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lucadiliello
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STORIES

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I don 't know what it meant to him , but I remember what it meant to me . I was in the height of my teenage angst and experiencing , perhaps for the first time the depths to which my depression could bring me . To cope with my distress I resorted to cutting myself ; I was compelled to see the blood well up in the canyons I carved deep in my thighs . I listened to dark , brooding music , and I surrounded myself with people who did and felt the same . And though it may have been for lack of better word or explanation , we identified as goth . At 14 I still had no relationship with my father and had long since given up expecting one . But maybe in some last ditch effort to find myself in him , or perhaps simply to spite my mother , I picked up the phone and called . " Don 't tell me you 're one of those goths ; " my father rejected me once more . Over the next few years I visited him sporadically at his rundown apartment on the bad side of town . Once I knocked on his door and asked him for percocets . He raised his eyebrows , but invited me in and let his buddies offer me hash . He reprised old stories of snorting cocaine and staring out the windows , paranoid the cops would find him . I refused to kiss him goodbye . I scoffed when he requested my phone number . I gave it to him anyway , though I was certain he would not call ; I was right . I brought a boyfriend or two to meet him . I referred to these rare introductions as " showing them my dad . " His absence still made me bitter and the sight of his worn face did not soften me . I joked that I was stopping by to make sure he was still alive . But I said it curtly . I thought that my flippancy and steeliness were a sign of my strength ; that my unaffectedness was warranted and just . The truth is that I had made my decision before I even found myself in that too - bright conference room . Still , I politely listen as these strangers in lab coats detail my father 's drunken fall , the neighbors finding him the next morning , and his helicopter flight to the hospital . Doctors detail his head injury and spew trivia and percentages to which I am numb . As they subtly urge me to end what 's left of my father 's now - robotic life , I feel certain that they can 't imagine the complexities this situation presents to an estranged daughter who has crossed an ocean solely to do so . " I should hope so ! " he says a bit too quickly , before trying to console me , " This is just a tragic accident . I don 't believe that he was drunk . It doesn 't make sense . We all know your father had a drinking problem , but even if he was drinking the night before , he was fine ! The coffee pot was on so he was probably running across the street to the store and he fell ! " In eighth grade I got depressed . Hardcore in - your - face depressed . I specifically remember that it was in March , right before I turned 14 that the heaviness started to hit me hard . I remember because this was at the time that we went to war with Iraq and I was furious . It was the first time I really paid any attention to politics and although I wasn 't particularly well - versed , I knew that I was unhappy with what was going on . I remember nonchalantly mentioning something to my mom about how stupid I though George Bush was and being horrified to learn that my thoughts and opinions had veered off the path of my family 's . It 's not that I ever considered changing my opinions , but at a time when I was feeling pretty disillusioned already , it was a hard lesson to realize that you are a black sheep in your family , even more than you initially thought . The entire experience was very distressing to me , and although now I know it wasn 't the real problem , I kept telling everybody , " It 's the war . The war is making me depressed . " I found solace in a friend I met in a Lord of the Rings chatroom , back when chatrooms were still a thing . His name was Seth and he was 32 . It 's weird for me to think about that now , because Miguel is nearly 30 . I 'm not sure what I would think if he was conversing daily with a 13 or 14 year old online , and truthfully I don 't know what was going on in Seth 's head , but he was a great source of comfort to me . He lived in New York and had been depressed basically his whole life . He told me I needed to " learn to embrace the things [ you ] cannot control , " and told me I was wise beyond my years . I felt like , for maybe the first time , someone was really seeing me . My friendship with him felt profound . He gave me music recommendations . I printed out most of our conversations and reread them when I was feeling on edge . I was once having a conversation with my mom and how miserable I was feeling . I don 't think I ever told her I was depressed . I didn 't trust her . I don 't remember the specifics of our conversations about it , but I do remember that they were jerky . There were no connections ; no understanding or empathy . She could see my angst as clearly as the day , but she did little to help it . I was barely allowed to see my friends outside of school and although I was 14 my bedtime was still 8 or 8 : 30 . One time I tried to wear pajama pants to school and my mother grounded me for three full weeks . I spent most of my eighth grade year not allowed to use the phone or leave the house . I don 't think my mom had any real interests and hardly had friends anymore , so I was also condemned to her house - bound lifestyle . Anyway , we were once talking about how " angry " I was or something and I quoted something that Seth had said to me . " Where are you getting all of these quotes ? " And then she forbade me from speaking to him anymore . It was devastating . Sometime during this , I developed a pretty hardcore anxiety disorder . A compulsion , really . This isn 't something that I 've ever really told anybody , but it 's very important to the story . Miguel doesn 't even know this ( yet ) . Do you know what trichotillomania is ? It 's basically compulsive hair - pulling , especially in situations of extreme stress . At some point during this terrible year I noticed that some of my hair is a very different texture then the rest of it and began pulling it out . I don 't know why . It was just a thing . But it got really , really bad . I had a really huge bald spot on the top of my head and another behind each of my ears . I didn 't even notice that I was pulling so much hair until much later . By then there was really nothing I could do about it . I always wore my hair up , but as the hair began to grow back it would poke through in these weird clumps of short hair . It was so humiliating and terrible that even now ( a full decade later ) when I wear my hair down I check the mirror before leaving to make sure I don 't have a bald spot . 2 . When my hair was growing back my mother would make super mean comments about it . She never asked me if I was okay or what happened or what was going on with me so that that had happened . Instead , if my hair would part because of the regrowth she would sneer , " Oh , I see you have your SPIKES OUT tonight . " 3 . Soon , my mother also had a bald spot . For a little while I wasn 't sure if she was just sick and so her hair was thinning , but I 'm pretty certain that she also started pulling her hair . This was the first real evidence of my mother 's mental illness , although I have never said this out loud . I really , really believe that she saw there was something wrong with me and that she mimicked my behavior . She 's supposed to be the sick one , you know . More on that later . As the last few months of the school year went on my disposition grew progressively worse . I was close friends with Delilah at the time and she was in a similar state of angst . Admittedly , I think we worked off of each other . At first we thought it was funny to wear all black because we were essentially becoming the people our families had warned us about . We already felt so detached that it seemed like a good fit to just go for that . We were unhappy and pale and wrote angsty poetry . We questioned the concept of normalcy and listened to Rammstein . I threatened to shave my head or dye my hair pink and my mom told me she 'd kick me out . Towards the end of the year I had my eye on a cute boy named Will . Delilah had the same idea . She moved faster than I did and they " dated " for about three weeks . I was jealous and felt betrayed but said nothing . I still remember the note that she wrote when she broke up with him . It said , " I do know that I don 't love you . How can I love you when I don 't even love myself ? " I don 't know what he said . Around the same time I had to stop speaking to Seth , I began to seek solace in my Uncle Adam , my mother 's brother . There was no particular thing that happened to lead me to this , but he was amused by my 13 year old self tromping around in combat boots and we somehow we connected . My uncle was perhaps also the black sheep of the family , and although we never discussed it outright , I gathered that we aligned ourselves politically . I met Adam 's girlfriend , Emily , and her three children . She lived in the white house right next to the elementary school , where my childhood friend had lived when we were much younger . Emily also took a liking to me and from time to time I would babysit her kids , all of whom were witty and interesting . Emily also introduced me to her friend Alena , who lived on Conway Street on the Buckland side , right next to that old reservoir and down the road from Cricket Field . But now I 'm getting ahead of myself . Towards the end of my eighth grade year , Delilah and I took a turn for the worse . I don 't know if that 's fair to say . We took a significant turn . One night Delilah smashed a bottle and dragged the jagged pieces against her forearm . We had never done this before . Hearing about it chilled me . I decided to follow suit and began scratching my wrists with safety pins . I wore long - sleeved shirts in the hot June air and was constantly terrified my mother would see . I was uncomfortable with the whole experience , really . It was fun to listen to angry music and be bitter and wear all black , but self - injury was a new line to cross . Finally , I decided to talk to Delilah 's sibling , Aubrey , about it . I called them up and confessed what I knew . They were receptive and concerned and I spent the rest of the night feeling sick to my stomach . To my relief , Delilah quickly forgave me and life continued as normal . I felt like I had talked her off a cliff and although there was maybe a little residual tension , it was negligible . My cuts healed up , as did Delilah 's . On the last day of school we and a bunch of other friends piled into a van and rode to the house of our friend Jeanne to celebrate the start of vacation . Halfway through the afternoon Delilah took her leave and sat outside in the yard . When I went to her , she refused to speak to me . She barely spoke a sentence to me the rest of the party and soon it was time to go home . Hurt and confused , I left . For weeks and weeks she screened my calls and returned none of them . I was utterly devastated . My already - shaky mood plummeted . My mother met some guy named Jeff and we spent most days at his house somewhere near Barton 's Cove . He was a fairly standard redneck from what I remember ; exactly my mom 's type . He had a son just a little older than my sister , who would have been only four at that point . I resented the time we spent there , but truthfully I would have resented time spent anywhere . I was miserable . I don 't know how aware my mother ever was of this . I think she was so interested in Jeff that she didn 't notice . Or maybe she was just too unequipped to really deal with it or even understand the depth my of unhappiness . I remember that we were on the way to Jeff 's house once and she asked me if I was okay . Or what was wrong . Or something that only barely touched the tip of my iceberg . I 'm sure I brushed off her question , unable to properly express myself and also certain she would not understand . I wasn 't so far off : she never asked again . By the end of the summer her relationship had fizzled . He told her they were better off as just friends and she was pretty heartbroken . Although I 'm well aware of my mother 's own dysfunction , I wonder how much of a damper it was to their relationship to have an angry teenager around all the time . I actually feel really sad for my mother about this one . I remember that she had this cattail thing we found on a walk that she had carved " Jeff # 1 " into one day . It 's really painful to have to throw stupid little things like that away and in hindsight I really do feel for her . She stayed in bed for a couple days after they broke up . I think my grandmother may have come to the house and sternly told her to get herself together . I feel for her . I spent most of my time sitting in a tree and listening to music . I had discovered Nirvana and Tool and Stabbing Westward and the melodies and lyrics spoke to me like nothing I had ever experienced . I wrote endlessly : mostly lyrics to the songs I had fallen in love with , but also a few terrible songs of my own . I also kept a journal on the family computer and I wrote in that pretty avidly . My friends had grown weary of my constant lamenting and one or two of them also began to detach from me . I had little social life at all , save for one friend who lived down the street from my grandparents . We shared poetry we had written and talked about books . One time , in a fitful need to speak to someone who would understand me , I emailed Seth . I had no time to write a proper email , as I was fearful my mother would catch me . Instead , I attached the word document that held all my journal entries from the summer . I spent the next three days in a heightened state of anxiety , terrified my mother would somehow find out I was writing to Seth and using my email , which had also been forbidden . What happened instead was at least as bad . One day towards the end of summer I got the call I had been wishing for , for months . A missed call from Delilah flashed on my grandparents ' caller ID . I was elated . Hurriedly , I called her up . My heart pounded . " Hey , what 's up ? " I was tentative , afraid of exposing my excitement . It became clear that this was not a social call . Her voice was hard ; steely . I asked her if she was angry with me , annoyed , furious . In reply : " I hate you . " Her words hit me in the gut . They sat with me and sank me . She told me to check my email and hung up . Frantically , I got on the computer when I got home . I was anxious in all directions : afraid of what the email would say , afraid of getting caught , afraid of learning what I had done to deserve this hatred . In truth , I don 't remember what the email said . I don 't think it answered any questions . Certainly , it didn 't justify the sudden disposal of our friendship . I recall only that Delilah had decided randomly to check my email and saw that I had recently corresponded with Seth . She read my entire journal . She knew everything . She knew my pain and still loathed me for a reason I could not find . What 's worse was that she knew I was going against my mother 's word by speaking to Seth and I spent the rest of the summer paralyzed by the fear that she would sell me out . I was so blinded by my hurt and fear that I hardly even noticed how invasive and terrible it was for her to log into my email . But then , we never notice these things until much later , do we ? On August 19 , 2013August 19 , 2013 By lustygluttonIn bad writing , family , healing , I know what I 'm talking about , letters to colinLeave a comment My mother was in a healthy state for a while after Michelle was born . We lived together in Buckland and Michelle 's father came to visit every Friday . My own dad was still out of the picture , although he did call me to let me know when his father died the year I was in fourth grade . I was young and barely remember the funeral . although I do know that it was the first I ever attended . I also remember that despite having no previous relationship with him , my father hugged me warmly when I saw him there . This was not the start to a newfound father - daughter story . This was just him performing as he was expected . I actually didn 't see him for years after this . At the time , my mother held a job doing payroll at Lane Construction in Northfield . After my grandfather died my grandmother made an effort to see me from time to time . On days off from school I would sometimes join my mother on her trip to work and my grandmother , who also lived in Northfield , would pick me up and I 'd spend the day with her . Truthfully , I don 't know or remember a lot about her . I can see her face clearly , and sometimes it makes me sad to think about her . I wish that I had known her with some adult perspective . Or really , any perspective at all . I wish that I could have known her when I was old enough to know to call her more or to have been able to drive over and visit her on my own . As it were , she died only a few years after my grandfather . But before that , I would go out to lunch with her . I don 't know what we talked about . She used to tell me she had all these records of my family 's genealogy . I didn 't care at the time , but I 'd be interested in looking at them now . One time we ran into my father when we were going out to breakfast . I don 't know if it was awkward then , but the memory is very uncomfortable for me . He hugged me and acted happy to see me . But how strange to see your estranged daughter with your mother one morning when you barely talk to either of them . Actually , now that I think about it , before we moved to Buckland , my dad visited a total of two times . He gave me a playstation for Christmas , as I was always struggling to get my old nintendo to work . I think that 's the only present he ever gave me . By the time I bumped into him with Grandma , it had already been a significant amount of time since that . In sixth grade I started struggling . I was definitely still unpopular , but I had friends … I was just never cool . This is when the effects of my depression started to become clear , I think . I just randomly stopped doing my homework , particularly if I found it uninteresting . I wasn 't busy , and I had no real reason for not doing it . I just stopped . My grades suffered , in part also because I landed in Ms . Marshall 's class , and she was known for being a tough marker . Maybe that 's true , but I can say that she was exactly who I needed to be taught by , although I didn 't know that until later . Everyone pretty much thought she was a whacko , and not usually in the fun way . But man , that woman knew what she was doing . When I was in either sixth or seventh grade Mom developed kidney problems . This woman took terrible care of herself . Granted , I don 't think anybody ever really taught her how to eat well and how to prepare food or that boxed food from the dollar store isn 't actually food . In some ways , it 's not really her fault . I can 't blame her shitty nutritional choices on much other than ignorance . ( I say this as I write at 2 in the morning eating IHOP . God help me . ) When my mother was in her prime ( and indeed , these years were her prime ) she cooked us shepherd 's pie ( made from boxed mashed potatoes and canned corn ) and hamburger helper ( that shit out of a package that you add hamburger and water to ) and " chicken with that pink sauce " ( something vaguely Asian . Who knows . ) For herself , my mother prepared a steady diet of coca cola and cigarettes . She supplemented this with a box of cheez - its , little debbie 's snack cakes , or maybe just nothing at all . A screwdriver here and there or sometimes a Hershey 's bar . The point is that she should have been constantly ill and the fact that she developed a legitimate health issue is really no surprise . She also suffered from intense migraines and often had to take shots to cope with them . So , she got these kidney stones , got them blasted , and all went back to normal . Briefly . Suddenly there was a new problem at work : her boss , who she had been friends with for years , was out to get her . There was some sort of unspecific problem between them and this woman was being horrible to my mother . I don 't know what the issue was , or if there was ever a real issue , but I do know that one time my mother saw her at the grocery store and flipped her off and that my sweet grandmother referred to her as " a dried up old cunt . " I suspect she was undeserving of this , but my grandmother sided with my mom in nearly everything . Blood was always very thick in her mind . Soon after , my mother left her job . She did not delay so as to find another source of income . I guess she didn 't have to , really . She always had my grandparents and government funding on her side . I think that she immediately filed for unemployment and disability . Food stamps too . To her credit , she did try to find a job for a little while . I remember her having interviews and never getting hired . It makes me really sad , because even though she 's out of her fucking mind , she does really have good streaks . I think she did want to get another job and that she did want to provide for her children . I mean , it 's not like I was ever going to have a college fund or anything like that , but I think she was content for a while , being able to buy our clothes and throw food in the crockpot and play mom the best she knew how . It wasn 't great , but it was what she could do . She had just paid off all of these bills that she had had left over from her heroin days and things really could have been on an upswing ; she had good momentum . For whatever reason , she couldn 't maintain it . She was flat out rejected for disability . As you might guess , they don 't really see having kidney stones as being debilitating , least of all in the long term . At this point she hadn 't worked for months and months . For as long as I had lived with her , I had had a list of chores to complete . This is pretty standard , even though I was the only one among my friends who did not receive an allowance . Actually , I 'm pretty sure I also had the longest chore list . Sweeping , mopping , and vacuuming the house were all my jobs . So too were scrubbing the tub , loading and unloading the dishwasher , and feeding the cats and cleaning their litter boxes . ( Yes , boxes . We had three or more cats at all times . Super functional . ) One morning I had no school and I was going next door to babysit for the triplets who were the same age as my little sister . The night before I had fought with my mom about the amount of chores I had to do while she spent all day at home . The next morning , I apologized , ashamed at having insinuated she was lazy . At this point , although it had been a significant amount of time since her procedure to take care of her kidney stones , she was still consumed by the role of the ailing patient . Angrily , she told me that while I babysat I was to research in depth the side effects and long term effects of having kidney stones . I was to print these out and bring them home . At the time I thought that this was just an elaborate guilt trip and punishment , and that 's probably true . But I only realized later that she was using these printouts as evidence in her appeal for disability . On August 15 , 2013August 15 , 2013 By lustygluttonIn bad writing , dickhead , family , healing , I know what I 'm talking about , letters to colin , personalLeave a comment There wasn 't really a lot else that happened during my middle childhood . My mom eventually got off the smack . I asked her about it once when I was older and she explained that my grandparents always assumed that once they took me away my mom would realize that she was destroying her life and get clean so she could have me back . Apparently it did the opposite ; once she lost me she lost everything and there was no point to getting back on track . She told me that we used to high five or cross our little fingers together or something because we were a team . I don 't remember that , but I believe it and it makes me sad . When I was in second grade I noticed that my family wasn 't normal . We were young and basically everyone had a standard nuclear family at that point . Plenty of divorces and hardships came later , but when we were only 8 I felt like I was the odd one out . Although I hadn 't seen my father in years , I was in touch with my grandparents on his side of the family and they gave me his number . I 'm not sure what they expected to have happen … they were also only barely in touch with him . I called him up one night while I was still living at my grandmother 's house . He answered and as I didn 't recognize his voice , I asked for him by name . I told him who it was and he asked me , " Marie who ? " " Your daughter , " I told him . He mumbled , " I 'm sorry , " and hung up . Wailing , I tried to call him back . My grandmother stood nearby and furiously got on the phone . His roommate answered and told her that my father wasn 't there . She shouted at him and I don 't remember the rest . That was my first heartbreak , I think . And the first time I can distinctly remember feeling unwanted , although I don 't think I could have put words to it at the time . And that became a pretty rampant theme in my life . I didn 't really know it until about a year ago , but I think I was a pretty unhappy child . I remember crying a lot . Too much , I think . I wrote a song in fifth grade about my fire burning out or something , which is sort of standard adolescent angst , but it got to me sort of young . I " ran away " when I was little too . Basically that meant that I would pack a bag of cookies and a box of bandaids and go sulk under the tree across the street . Otherwise , when I was feeling heavy , and I have felt that way ever since I was quite young , I would climb a tree or sit on a big rock and just feel the sun and the wind . I liked to imagine I was Pocahontas . One time I heard someone describe someone else as being a " free spirit " and I wanted so badly for someone to see that in me too . My mother was around , eventually . She visited me and took me along on her trips to the methadone clinic . Sometimes she lived with my uncle in Colrain . Sometimes he lived with me and my grandparents and cleaned the house for money . She might have had friends . She worked a night job and eventually got her own place in Shelburne Center . I visited on weekends . I remember that I told her once I only wanted to visit every other week . I 'm not sure why I decided that . It must have broken her heart . She had a dumb boyfriend at the time . His name was Bill and he was a straight up cliche redneck . He was dumb as rocks and drank too much beer . He knocked my mom up too , which was a surprise to everyone because he had declared himself sterile . Turns out he just thought that because he wore really tight jeans . The two of them broke up before my little sister was born and I was sad to not be able to go to his brother 's farm anymore . After Michelle was born my grandparents relented and let my mother have me indefinitely . I don 't think the custody was officially changed for another year , so I still had to have my grandparents sign all my permission slips for school , and I think my mother is still bitter about that . I think it was only about 5 months later that we moved into the house in Buckland . I remember that it was on one of the very first days I was in fourth grade that we moved and I couldn 't find the right bus and I cried . We moved into a ranch house off of Elm St . It was a tiny dead end street called Harmony Lane . It was like some kind of terribly ironic foreshadowing . You can 't make this shit up . My very oldest memory is from when I was two years old . I 've since figured out that it was probably in December of 1991 . My parents were getting divorced . We lived in a condo in Turners Falls and I still remember where we had the kitchen table , the bookshelf , the couch . The kitchen , the second bathroom . This night I was playing next to the bookshelf that stood against the wall between the dining room and the living room . My parents were at the kitchen table across from each other and the light was dim . My mother stood up , I think she was crying . My father stayed seated . She walked towards me and I remember that I must have been very small , because as she came to me I remember only seeing to her thigh . In my memories she was wearing shorts , which doesn 't make sense if this was happening in December . Maybe it was just an earlier fight . They are dysfunctional people . Likely , they were fighting all the time . I don 't have really any memories of my dad after that . I 've tried and tried for years to come up with something . Sometimes I think I remember playing with him in the big raked - up pile of leaves in the fall , but as I 've grown older I 've become more aware that that memory is fabricated from a certain set of photographs I 've gotten my hands on . The pictures didn 't wake anything up ; they just put an idea in my head . I can remember one other time I saw him as a small child and it was after he moved out . He came by to visit me and read me a bedtime story . I was being difficult , as kids always are at bedtime , and I remember him scolding me with my full name : " June Marie Billiel ! " This has stuck with me all my life and I 'm not sure if it 's because it 's the first time I understood that that was my full name , which is sort of strangely profound in itself , or if it is the first time the tone in which my name was being said was harsh enough to stick with me . Maybe both . I 'm pretty sure that my mom used to tell me that my dad never ever came to visit me after he moved out . She 's close to right , if my memory is to be trusted . But I remember this one time pretty clearly . But who knows , maybe he was just there to pick something up or to fight with my mom or to sign a divorce paper . I guess I always just assumed he was there to visit me , even though I don 't have any real reason for thinking that . Somewhere along the line my mom met this guy named Eric . My grandmother told me that I used to call him Dad . We drove down to Florida with him and a cooler full of sandwiches and lived there for almost a year , I think . I have no idea what he did for work or how my mother met him or anything like that . I remember very little about him , really . I vaguely remember his face and I remember that he used to take me fishing out in back of the condo we lived in . Sometimes we had to run back inside the house because there was an alligator that would come by and hang out on the beach from time to time . I 'm pretty sure we never caught anything . One time I was holding a cracker in my hand and a duck came over and bit my finger . Another time we walked along the beach and I found a coconut and took it home and painted it . I kept that damn thing for years , even after we had moved back to Mass and even after I moved to my grandparent 's house . Now that I have to be careful about acquiring too many things it seems insane to me that my family let me keep packing it and bringing it everywhere . We were in Florida for hurricane season too . Eric and my mom duct taped up the windows and the sliding glass door but somehow my mom still thought that she should bring me to preschool the next day . Of course my school was closed , and I still have the image of her running up to the building while I sat in the car so that she could read the sign on the door . Seems stupid to me now , and dangerous too . Who knows what she was thinking . Anyway , things were fine with Eric as far as I knew as a four year old , which is admittedly not very far . One day he and my mom got in a fight . He threw her through the screen door and I was standing right in the room . She got back up and came inside and told me to call the police . As she got back up Eric shoved her into this little desk my grandfather had built for me . I asked my mom what the number to the police was because I didn 't know about 911 yet and Eric came over and ripped the phone straight out of the wall . Next I remember my mom checking out the huge gash she had up her legs from being thrown into my desk , but it was days later . Did the neighbors call the cops ? Was Eric arrested ? Why else would we have still been in that house ? I don 't know . I don 't even remember sound from that time . I remember only that I was supposed to call the police and I imagine that my mom yelled it at me . But I 'm sure there should have been screams and that Eric would have been shouting too but I can 't recall a damn thing . Was I afraid ? I don 't even know what I felt , although I 'm sure it 's in my head somewhere . We left after that , although I don 't know how quickly it happened . When we got back it was winter . My grandparents owned the place we had lived in Turners and apparently it was just the same as we had left it . I don 't remember having to move any furniture back , although that could just be a flaw in my memory . I do remember that as soon as we got back we had to shovel all the snow off of the deck and I had this little red shovel that in retrospect was probably useless , but I helped my mom all the same . Eric showed up again around my 4th birthday . I was sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner or cake or something and my mom had gone upstairs when he peered through the window and waved at me . I ran over to let him in and then I have no idea what happened . I never saw him again though , as far as I can remember . There was this guy named Russ . I don 't know where he came from , but my mom always pegged him as the one who introduced her to heroin . I 'm not sure when or where or how it started , but I learned later that my mom has always had a thing for painkillers , although I don 't actually think she 's entirely aware that she abuses them . Anyway , she used to tell me that even the first time she shot up she had a high tolerance , and I suspect her previous opiate misuse was to blame . Our lives quickly descended into madness . I can 't even really piece together everything that happened in a real timeline , but I know that for a couple of years our lives consisted of driving to Holyoke late at night and sometimes crashing on random people 's floors . We bought groceries with bad checks I wasn 't allowed to answer the phone anymore because there were always bill collectors and maybe even cops calling . I don 't know if the police part is true , but as a little girl that 's what I thought was happening . There were always people in our house and sometimes I 'd come downstairs in the morning and my mom and a bunch of people would just be passed out on the living room floor . One morning I came down and the news was playing while Russ and my mother dozed in front of the tv . I woke my mother up and asked her if I could change the channel . After she said yes I changed the channel to cartoons and Russ abruptly woke up . He snapped that he had been watching the tv and smacked me across the face . Hard . Truthfully , I don 't remember his hand connecting to my cheek , but I can say with complete certainty that that 's what happened . I have a memory that immediately proceeded this : my mother running with me up the stairs trying to get away from him . There was yelling and when we got to the top of the stairs and Russ was still behind us so my mom turned around and pushed him down the stairs . My mother is a small woman , especially on an opiate binge , and Russ was not a small guy . I think this was the kind of adrenaline - fueled Mama strength you hear about . Mom locked us in the bathroom and although I don 't know how we got out or we got Russ away , I can remember her sitting on the toilet , just peeing and crying . Everything else is a bit foggy . I have mostly glimpses : my mom shutting her bedroom door in my face with a syringe in her hand ; driving hours and hours back and forth from New Hampshire to buy cartons of cigarettes and back down to Holyoke to sell them for enough profit to get a fix . We had something like 100 tag sales to help with this new found expense too . A few lovely pieces handmade by my grandfather were lost this way . I had some shitty kids to play with nearby . There were two kids whose dad sometimes went to jail who lived next door to me . The girl was a little too old to really care about me , but the son , Matt would often play power rangers with me in the woods behind our houses . There was a little frog pond across the street too . There was this super old tiny graveyard and then down behind it was the pond . Sometimes I would catch frogs and then bring them home and put them in my kiddie pool . One time I came home and couldn 't find the frog that had been happily swimming around when I left . I asked Matt if he had seen my frog and he led me to two cinder blocks . He lifted the top one up and showed me the remains of my frog that he had crushed . To this day , this makes me feel sick to talk about . I 'm still not sure if this was just classic destructive boy behavior or if this kid was a little sick , but if I listen to my gut I have to say it 's the latter . Maybe it 's that I 'm older and jaded now , but when I look back i just think the whole cul de sac was poisoned . I also made friends with an elderly lady at the end of the row named Margarite . After I lived with my grandparents sometimes we would go to the condo and do work on the house . I went to visit her each time and then one day someone told me she didn 't live there anymore . I don 't think anybody explained to me that she , or really that anyone , died . But somehow I am sure I knew . Maybe I could smell it . Maybe it was just the air . Too still . There was also a lady right next door who I befriended . Her name was Gina and my mother hated her . I learned later that she was a social worker . Go figure . She was a good one though . One weekend I went to my grandparents ' house while my mom went off to party . I 'm told that she asked when she should come pick me up and they told her that I was going to be living with them from then on . I don 't know how I felt about this . I have a vague idea that I asked my grandmother a few times when mom was coming back and she kept telling me I would be with them , " a few more days . " Then I was meeting the principal at BSE and he gave me a stuffed panda bear to hold overnight before my first day in kindergarten at my new school . I don 't believe the whole transition could have been as painless as I remember it , but who knows . During dinner one of the first nights there I confessed to my grandparents about some of the goings - on with my mother in the previous week . I guess they must have been quizzing me , but I only really remember talking to my mom on the corded kitchen phone after dinner and telling her , " I told Gram and Gramp about Wednesday , " and apologizing . She told me it was okay . I guess she must have known it was a lost cause at that point . On April 4 , 2013April 4 , 2013 By lustygluttonIn dickhead , family , I know what I 'm talking about , oh snap human nature , personal , UncategorizedLeave a comment I 've said it before : my life has often felt like nothing but a series of people leaving me . I 've sought counsel in a number of places , all with limited success . Somehow I always find that my connections with these people are temporary and I am often left sitting with a good deal of disappointment . In my adult life I have learned to be self - reliant and to lean on these relationships less than I felt I needed to in my adolescence . I am aware , however , that this is not entirely a result of my own growth , so much as it is the result of many difficult lessons that have trained me well . I have become very accustomed to the people I relied on slipping away and leaving me to fend for myself . To be clear , this has never been a demonstration of tough love . Over and over I was left simply because it was easier for these people to do so . One of the most devastating losses I experienced was that of my uncle . Although he had been a somewhat regular part of my life as a child , he did not become so critically important to me until the few months following my fourteenth birthday . I truly don 't think there was any specific reason for my sudden connection to him . I imagine he enjoyed - or was at least amused by - my love of combat boots and band t - shirts , and for some reason that struck a chord that resonated deeply : Uncle Adam gets me . Uncle Adam is not my mother . Uncle Adam will save me . For a while this was true . I tried hard to use him as my friend and mentor . I called him when my mother was pushing my limits - which was often . From time to time he would even drive to our house and take me to his for the weekend where I would relax with him and his girlfriend , Emily . These escapes were monumental to me . I found that we liked similar music . He let me have a beer . He showed me the marijuana plant in his closet . One night he cooked the most amazing steak I had ever tasted - still rare and bloody - and he and his girlfriend shared it with me while we stayed up late and laughed . I sipped his scotch and was blissfully certain that they understood me . We retired to the deck to smoke a joint . I was in heaven . I was sure Uncle Adam would save me . Months passed and his girlfriend introduced me to her close friend Alena . I began regularly babysitting her children and we quickly bonded . She thought I was bright and I felt that I had made a new connection , guiding me safely through the instability that was living with my mother . I had no idea how correct I would be . Away from the knowledge of my family and even of me , Alena and Emily discussed my living situation at length . They lamented my having to endure my borderline , unfit mother , calling my life a " Cinderella story . " Quietly , they planned to take me under their wing and fix what seemed to be an inevitably disastrous adolescence . Both were aware that I desperately needed a way out of my mother 's unfathomably unhealthy home , and they were also wise to the intense rift this would cause in my close - knit , skeleton - hoarding family . Alena , recently divorced and with new - found space in her house , offered to temporarily take in the girl of whom she had become so fond , and thereby absorb the blows of a family who detested anyone who rocked the boat . Ultimately , I was to live with my uncle , his girlfriend , and their respective children . This , of course , never came to be . The July of my fifteenth birthday , I could no longer bear living with and being subjected to the volatile and mentally unstable whims of my mother . After having considered her offer for a solid eight months , I asked Alena if it was still on the table . After getting her confirmation , I wrote my mother a letter and found myself in my new home a mere ten days later . As it happened , the day I moved was my beloved Uncle Adam 's birthday . After an extensive process involving my mother and our therapists , Alena and I made a late - afternoon trip up to his house to update Emily on our circumstances . My uncle was at work , but I made sure to leave him the gift I had bought with the money I had managed to save from babysitting . He had once told me of a certain CD he had always loved but was disappointed to have lost years before . I had been ecstatic when I found it at our local record shop , and I waited anxiously for the enthusiastic thank you that never came . Nothing came , actually . I had no idea at the time , but my move had begun to pull apart the threads of my family 's years - long tradition to endure and suffer its discordance silently , always letting the blind eye rule . In doing so , I had set myself on a fast - paced course to what became my own shunning . In hindsight , the immediate distance my uncle took from me should have been a clear sign . But I was a child , and witlessly I continued to call , despite my messages never being returned . Soon after , Emily withdrew from Alena , citing a sudden previously - nonexistent empathy for my mother . This is not to say that I never saw them again . For the first year after my move there were still a number of family dinners to attend , each more uncomfortable than the last . In my hurt , I tried hard to ignore my uncle 's presence . Truthfully , I have never been one who is able to maintain a steely gaze and pursed lips in an awkward situation , and this was no different . As my uncle knelt by my grandfather 's blue recliner , where I had attempted to take refuge , I was horrified to find myself smirk . His words , feigning victimization , were biting . The jeer in his tone was not lost on me . I shrank into the chair as he needled me , wishing he would leave . Over dinner , I made sure to find seats away from my mother and uncle . Emily 's voice , high - pitched in its phoniness , dominated the conversation . Her eyebrows arched high above her wide eyes as she announced , " Adam likes a lot of things ! " My family murmured in superficial interest . I stayed silent . It was only a few months after this dinner that my family stopped speaking to me altogether . I was heartbroken to lose contact with my grandparents , but the worth of my relationship with Adam and Emily had withered months before . The loss still pained me , but I had long grown accustomed to their absence . One bright summer day I found myself walking a few blocks from my home when I heard a familiar voice calling my name . The voice was singsong ; mocking . I looked up to see my uncle and his girlfriend sitting on a nearby roof . He had recently begun a slate roofing company and it shouldn 't have caught me by surprise that he was in my neighborhood . Years went by and our relationship was never repaired . I tolerated him and Emily , but even after things began to heal with my mother , my warmth for my uncle remained missing . We did not reach out to each other and they refused to let me partake in any of the preparation for holiday meals , despite my enthusiasm to do so . Whether or not they were oblivious , the strain between us never lifted . Three years ago my grandmother died , and with her so did the reign of her generation in my family . My mother , now bereft of both her parents , quickly began to spiral downward , her grief flecked with symptoms of her mental illness . My great uncle died soon after , and in an unfortunate course of events , his funeral was held on what would have been my grandmother 's 76th birthday . My mother stood in the basement of the church weeping silently . She moved slowly , as though her body was that of an elderly woman : twisted and painful . Her eyes glazed over as she whimpered and stared unseeingly at everyone in the room . Furious , I watched as my aunt , now grieving the deaths of both her husband and sister , went to my mother 's side , comforting with her strong arms and voice . My uncle caught my eye and looked at me knowingly , Emily smiled gently and suggested that the three of us have a movie night sometime . I smiled as minimally as was acceptable and gave a noncommittal , " sure . " I scowled as I walked away , angry at their sudden interest in helping to buffer the difficulties that my mother 's illness presented . There had been a time that I , as a child , had desperately needed them to fill this role . As a young adult , I felt that what they were offering me was both too little and too late . This deflection of their negligible efforts was the first step in severing contact with them altogether .
I haven 't been here for awhile . I have been posting at KClive connect . Not sure how to direct you to that place . It has been busy this last month with Jim and his cancer treatments . We are not doing the intervenous cancer treatments any more . They were just to hard on Jim . So we are doing a pill form that won 't cure , but we hope will keep things in check and keep it from spreading . I have been pretty much run ragged by all that has gone on . Just now we are starting too see the light at the end of the tunnel . Still all of this is not good , and will not get too much better . We have a visiting nurse coming , and I got oxygen for him . So all of this I hope will at least help with the comfort part . I try not to be negative about it all , but it is what it is and I can 't do anything about it . Roz Sometimes I get a thought in my head and have a hard time getting it out . Jim doesn 't always tell me things I need to know . Like how far behind he got on so many things . He alwasy discouraged me from doing any of the work around here and in the yard . Now I am playing catch up . I have worried a lot about the fish ponds and what I am suppose to do about them . Fill them in , or try to keep them going . We lost more fish the last week because I don 't know what I am doing . Because can 't take care of the ponds like he did . So I have been worring about them . Until last night I nailed him with my concerns . Seems like he has things worked out with the young guy across the street . Who came over and fixed things yesterday . It would be nice if he would just let me know what he is thinking . I am on too him too let me know what he wants . Just let me know . So I can take care of things . Roz The fourth is over and I can 't say that I am sorry . I don 't know what that was that someone was blowing up , but I would say it was pretty big . Jim was sick this morning for the first time . He hates to throw up and somehow managed not too . I gave him one of the pills that is suppose to help him with the throwing up . My son came by and mowed the lawn . While he was doing that I replaced the broken window well cover . That is a first for me to do . I need to replace a washer in a facuet in the bathroom . At least I know too turn the water off before I start . Now all I have to do is get it apart without breaking it . Roz I have been slow to post much of anything . Life keeps me busy right now . Yet here is an update on Jim . Jim did his chemo treatment yesterday . I was some what surprised ( shouldn 't be ) that he is doing so well . Maybe it is because it is the first one . The only problem seems to be the steroids that he must take . They make him feel shaky and nervous . I think part of the trouble was not knowing how things would go . I am glad that he is able to eat and not throw it up . Next time will be three weeks from now . We will see how he does then . I think they plan too add some things too the next dosage of chemo . They are going slow and careful . Which I am glad they are doing . Roz Jim and me are both tired today . We spent the afternoon out at the VA . The lung cancer tumor has gotten smaller , but still is there . So come next Wednesday . Jim will start Chemo . I know sort of what we face , but on the other hand . Living it is another thing . So we will see how the two of us hold up . Have to go too my younger son 's doctor 's appointment . Outside of that just trying to get my head in the right place . Roz Life has been pretty busy for me . I have most of the yard cleaned up and looking good . The two sheds cleaned out and the basement is coming along . Between all of that work . I have been running Jim back and forth too the VA . He doesn 't like to drive much now days . So more of my time is spent driving him around . I have not gotten around too taking pictures this year of my garden . When I think of taking pictures it is the end of the day and I am ready for bed . Too dark to stumble out into the dark too take a few photo 's . Maybe when things slow down a bit . So much too say and so little time . Hope all are well . Roz It is cool here today . So I am trying to decide what I want too do . I thought about cleaning out the shed which really needs to be cleaned out . Can 't find anything in the mess it is in right now . I need to decide about the rose bush I bought . Do I dig up a plant that is there and replace it with the new rose plant . I want the rose to climb over a gate that I just put in . It arches over the walk and would look really pretty with the red rose climbing over it . I need to pick up the trash pile I made and put it in trash bags . So if I am bored . Which I am not . I have plenty of work to keep me busy and out of trouble . Roz Jim was starting to feel house bound . So I took him over too Family Tree . I bought a climbling rose bush red , and several other plants . I also go an idea for a water feature . Sooo , I brought up a small tub that had been down by the big pond and filled it full of water plants . Don 't worry about those nasty bugs that bit . I put some dunk under a rock in the water . I had to do that because our lovely lady pups keep taking them out of the ponds . They don 't eat them . They just don 't like them in the pond . It is hot here today . So I will wait until the sun goes down some and do some more planting . I went through the drive thru at Steak & Shake and got us lunch . Jim ate it all which I am glad that he did . He really needs to eat more . Roz Jim says I am too do nothing today . He thinks that I have put in too hard a couple of weeks . Me will it doesn 't hurt to toughen up . I am resting today as much as I can . The younger son has family day at the group home . I went over for awhile taking him to the dollar store , and then eating lunch with him . I also folded up his laundry and put it away for him . So we got too spend sometime together . Went to check on the fish house and about 20 fish were floating on the surface . We ran fresh water into the ponds and we put to much in killing the fish . I dipped them out and now have to get rid of them . Jim told me these things happen . He wasn 't mad at me . He even said something about buying some new fish . So it goes . Roz It has been a tough few months . With Jim and all of the work that needed to be done around here at home . My brother - in - law came down Sat . and cut up the tree that had fallen down in the back yard . He also cut down the dead tree in the front yard and took most of it away . The young guy across the street has come over and helped me also and fixed the pole down at the big pond . So I am getting things done with the kind help of others . My list of to do things is growing shorter . Tomorrow I have Sassy to take to the vet 's for her annual shots and to be groomed . My younger son also has a doctor 's appointment . That I need to be at . So another busy day . Jim is tired most of the time and spends most of his time sleeping or watching TV . He hates that he can not help me very much with all that needs to be done . I tell him not too worry . Little by little I will get it done . By the end of the summer I should be one tough old lady . Roz We spent most of the afternoon at the VA . Jim saw his prostrate cancer doctor . Looks like things are going good with that one . Now to see about the big one and how it is doing . I am tired and have rented three movies . I am going to just zone out and watch someone else act crazy , fall in love , and shot people . LOL Nothing like a good movie to get your mind off of things . I have to go over and see Ted tomorrow . Then maybe I will get some yard work done . I need to mow the back yard . Jim is out on the front porch enjoying the late afternoon sun and fresh air . He likes to watch people slow down and look at his flowers . The roses are doing great this year . Roz Jim did his last radiation treatment today . They gave him a Certificate for completing the treatments . The doctor still can 't get over how Jim has surivored all of his cancers . The blood cancer should have killed him years ago . Maybe he won 't have too do the chem - o for the lung cancer . I hope that he doesn 't because he needs to do treatments for the blood cancer . We will see what happens now . It is cool , damp and rainy here in KC . Roz Another Memorial Day weekend over for another year . We didn 't do much as Jim really didn 't feel very well . He took his catheter out and had a hard time peeing . So we had to go too the ER last night and have one put back in for him . That took a couple of hours , but he was able too sleep most of the night . Plus my bonous was that I also got to sleep . Two more radiation treatments then on too other treatments . It is rainy here , but what one would call a lovely spring day . My flowers are all in bloom and I am happy . Jim says I have the best window view of the house here with my computer . He is right as I can see on first glance a bush full of pink roses out one window , and out the other more blooming flowers . Not much else to say . Roz I am sore all over today . This last week I have been working to get the yard back in shape . Plus do the usual running that needs to be done . I feel like I am starting to get things back in order , but I still have a ways to go . Jim has two more radiation treatments . We see his cancer doctor Thrusday . Then maybe we will know what we are going to do . I am going to ask for a visiting nurse to come and check Jim our at least once or twice a week . The girl across the street said I could have my CNA in about eight weeks . I see that is maybe a good idea , but don 't know how too fit classes in with everything else I have to do . That is something that I never thought about and if I did should have done it sometime ago . I have two years of college so I don 't think it would be all that hard for me . Hope everyone is doing well . Roz I just got my new computer this morning . So I am back on line . My son and his girlfriend have moved out . Jim is doing better , and my younger son is back at the home . Everything is going much better . I have been spending a lot of time out doors gardening . I have a lot of catching up to do , but it is starting to look a whole lot better . I also have been getting my house back in order . I still have some of my son 's things , but he is suppose to come over and get them this weekend . So I should be able to put things in a better place . Hope all of you are doing well . Roz I got my new computer today . Finally I am back on line . Just a short update . My older son and his girlfriend are now moved out . Jim is doing pretty well on his treatments . The doctor is surprised at how well he is doing . I am busy with doing yard work and I have lots to do in that area . The flowers are just beautiful this year . So I am out doors a lot . Hope every one is well and I can catch up on all you . Roz The one thing Jim didn 't want was a bag on his leg , but somethings you can 't do anything about . So yesterday they gave him one and for the first time in weeks he slept all night . No more get out of my way bathroom trips . Plus I do think he is feeling better and less pain . My house guest will be gone in a day or two . I am really looking forward to it . My younger son is doing better and is going back home in the morning . So I am hoping by this time next week . Most of my problems well have gone away or at least be under control . Yesterday was younger son 's Birthday . I went to visit and took him his gifts which was mostly clothes . He is one who loves clothes . So for the moment he is happy . Roz I ordered a new computer yesterday . It should be here at the end of the month . Which means because my son is taking his computer . I will be without one for a week or so . That is alright as I am eager for them too get all of this stuff out of my house . From the plans I have heard it sounds slow . I am trying to resist the urge to start throwing things into the street . I want my house back really bad . You know the old saying about company smelling after three days . We are still trying to work things out for Jim . He is out at the VA trying to get the help he needs . I hope the person he is counting on does not let him down . Roz Folks it has been a very hard week . Jim is now back home , but with all of the stuff going on . I am tired . The older son is too move this weekend . The younger son is going back to the group home Wednesday . Everyone is moving along and maybe going to do better . I am emotional and can 't seem to get it under control . The smallest things now can send me into a tail spin . I keep finding my self clamping my mouth shut and taking deep breaths . I have no patients with others at this point . I handle things pretty well as long as you don 't add on to what is already a difficult time . Just don 't rock the boat , because I am likely to push you over board . Because it is me . I use my bad temper too keep me going . It is the way I am . Clear the decks because here I come . Get out of my way . I have a job to do . Roz I called the patient advocate this morning and told her that I did not appreciate the way I was treated yesterday . I understand the ER not wanting to have interfering family . That is not my job . My job is to inform them of the medications that I might have just given him and what I have observed . When anyone is in pain they often are not able to explain things very well . I know Jim better than anyone . My job is to inform , support , calm him , and too understand what needs to be done . I do not appreciate some nurse asking him if he wants me there , after he has asked for me several times . I didn 't know that he had asked for me . So I came home knowing nothing and wondering what the hell was going on . Too many of these guys have no one . Stop running the wives off who are welling to help . I saw him today and he is much better . We will see what needs to be done here in the next few days . Roz Jim came home from his radiation treatsments yesterday in a lot of pain . So much pain that we made our way out too the ER at the VA . He is now in the Intensive care unit . He insisted that I go home to rest last night . I sure didn 't get much rest as sleep was not going to come . I called this morning and they told me that his pain is under control . I didn 't get to speak too him , but they said they would tell him I called . So what happens now ? I have no idea . Roz As if my life is not crazy enough . My younger son called this morning sounding more strange than usual . He is the one with a mental illness . I thought things were not going right so I called the home he is living in . They were already calling the doctor and trying to find out what to do about him . He also started to say things about killing himself . So now he is over at the ER being evaluated . This could mean a stay in the hospital until we can get him back on the right track . Thank God I have these people working with my son . They have taken a lot off of my shoulders by doing the right things for him . We will see what happens at the end of the day . I do get some what cranky with things . Things will turn around I am sure . Than I can relax a bit . Roz We spent most of the afternoon at the VA yesterday . Jim 's blood pressure was way too low . He was told by the doctor at Reserch that it could be the medication he is taking for the prostrate . Needless to say we spent a lot of hours not getting anything done . They did say they would try to send us a new blood pressure cuff . The one we have keeps showing error error on it and I have changed the batteries . It still doesn 't work right . Good thing that I got so much done yesterday morning . Today I am just tired as I had one of those nights of mine . I tripped and fell again the other day and I am feeling the effects . I just got too learn to pick up my feet . Then again the dog next door jumping up and growling right next too me . Might have had something to do with my falling down . He surprised me . Roz I have decided to get over my mad about things and just get on with things . It takes me awhile sometimes to adjust to new circumstances . Poor Jim listens to me and tries to make me slow down and take one thing at a time . The doctors are surprised that he has done so well with all of these different illness . They just don 't understand why he isn 't dead yet . I know , but most people wouldn 't understand . He is a determind soul . He stays for me . Need to get going the birds are screaming that they are hunger and need my attention . Could someone tell me how to keep them from pooping in their water . yuk . I hate cleaning the water dishes . Roz I feel over whelmed by all that I have to get done . I also am pretty sore from trying to get things done . When you are my age cleaning gutters , planting flowers , cleaning the house and all of the other things one must get done is hard . I now realize just how much Jim did and trying to do both our jobs is hard . He is trying to do more too help . Which fills me full of guilt for not being able to take care of all of these things . I would pay someone to do some of this stuff , but Jim has his pride . So here I am . The young guy across the street came over and mowed the front lawn and bank for us . I was so relieved because that is a very steep bank . I have too keep telling myself one thing at a time . You can only do one thing at a time . Roz My son and his girlfriend are finally moving out . I can hardly wait too have my home back . One more burden off my shoulders . I am very excited about their leaving . Jim has been coughing up blood . He was told that this is normal and that he wants to get that stuff out . So I am not as worried about the blood as I was before . He is tired but doing pretty good . We both think the chemo treatment will be the worst part and they are at least a couple of months down the road . It is sunny here today and has brighten both our moods . Another good thing coming my way is an old friend is coming to visit soon . I look forward to seeing her and her husband . Roz I have been busy as you can well guess . Jim is pretty tired from a week of treatments . He has the weekend off from them . As for me I am trying to keep everything going . Doing all of his stuff and all of my stuff . Which keeps me pretty busy now that spring is here once again . I spent yesterday buying plants and putting them into the ground . I am pretty pleased with the results . Now when I walk out the front door it looks really pretty . I could not for some reason resist pink flowers . LOL So I have pink geraniums , and impatients . I will try to get a picture taken with they really start to fill things out . My son and his girlfriend are moving out the 15th of May . Which makes me happy . More room and privacy for Jim and myself . Roz Jim is off having his treatment . He wanted to just go by himself , and even though I was some what worried about that . I stayed here at home . I know it is important for him to be in charge of all of this medical thing . I will of course be here if he needs me . He has the cell phone and only needs to call me . I am sure that as time passes that I may have to be more pro - active , but for now it is important for him to feel like he has some control over things . Instead of going I have been feeding and caring for the birds and doing the usual house work . Also taking a bit of time to roam around here on the computer . I hope to get outside and do some work . Roz I have been trying to get the house cleaned up . Jim will be starting his treatments tomorrow . So I don 't want to be worrying about things being a mess here at home . I did get to plant somethings Saturday and do some things out in the yard . I also ran over and took my younger son out for awhile . So I have been busy . I also have found all of the stuff to get the license plates for the truck . Now all I have to do is sit down and fill out the paper work . Sunday I gave the two who live with me a lecture . They needed it as they were getting out of hand . Funny Jim got up and left it all too me . He said he would let me handle those two . LOL I hope I got somethings through too them . Not much else going . It is sunny and warm but windy . With gust of winds hitting 40 miles an hr . So that is keeping me from doing anything out side . Roz We saw a lung specialist today at the VA . He showed us the pictures of the lung cancer . It is about three inches across and is blocking part of Jim 's airway . It also has collasped part of his lung . We will do radiation first and then a couple of weeks after that when we are done with the radiation . We will do the chemo . They don 't think that Jim can hold up too both at the same time . Bad news is that we found out this is stage 3 . For those who don 't know cancer goes from stage 1 to stage 4 . The higher the number the worst it is suppose to be . Not good . He is determined to beat it . Do I think he can ? Who knows ? He has surpised me and the doctors more often than not . So we will see . Roz Can 't think of much that I care to write about . Jim is too see the doctor Friday . We know that radiation is going to be one treatment , and some chemo . I will of course go with him too this doctor and learn what I need too learn . With these things one never really knows what to expect . Each person is different and the outcome can be good or bad . He saw his mental health person today . She gave him a number for the suicide hot line . He was insulted that she would think that he would take his own life . He said why bother killing himself since they seem to be doing a pretty good job of it for him . He is bitter and I understand . They are always suprised that I am still with him after so many years and all that has happen in our lives . Am I the only one who thinks marriage is till death do us part ? Seems that way . Roz I have been trying to get my head in the right place again . Sometimes I can get pretty messed up . It looks like we have a few things to think about with Jim 's treatments etc . He has not given up yet . He is feeling pretty weak and tired most of the time . Which is the hard part for him . He wants to go and do things , but doesn 't have the energy . My hard part is not getting too far ahead of myself and thinking the worst . I know a lot of things have been falling on my shoulders to get done . One good thing is that the doctor said that Jim should be able to take care of most of his personal needs . Something that has been a worry . I sure can 't lift him and move him around , but from what I am told . We are a long ways from him not being to care for himself . Roz So it is as if the years between those days when my mother laying dying have never been . All of the pain and emotions come rushing back to me . Those feelings that were kept at bay just under the surface for so many years . It is like the old soldier called back into combat once again . To relive the sights , the smells , the sounds and too feel the fear . All one can do is give comfort to the other , and try to keep things as normal as you can . My fear is that I am not up too it and that I will fail . That my fears will drive me insane . Roz Not much to up date about , and most of what I have been thinking and doing doesn 't need to be repeated . One of those days when going out in the backyard and cutting off a switch for a couple of people sounds real good to me . So I just have been keeping my mouth shut and trying to go about my business . While grinding my teeth . We will know more about Jim this Thursday . I am not looking forward too any of this at all . I really , really don 't think Jim or any of the others have any idea what we are in for in the next few months . I really don 't want to do this , but I will . I have too stop thinking about it . Because it makes me sad and I already feel worn out . Got to get a handle on all of this stuff . It will be alright . Roz Jim does have lung cancer . We will not know what we will do until we talk with his cancer doctor . I am not very hopeful about the out come . Yet I have been wrong before . Roz We spent most of the day at the VA . The doctor came out and told me that Jim has a mass in his lung . It bleed a lot and he did take samples , but it does look like it is going to be lung cancer . It is not something that we didn 't expect . Since he already has two kinds of cancer . The doctor said we needed to find out what kind it is before we decide on a treatment plan . Thursday we go to seem his primary doctor and also to have some kind of scan . This scan is suppose to show where all of his cancer is suppose to be located . Jim told the nurse that he should really light up that scan . He is doing alright , and so am I . We pretty much have known for some time the things that we face . My thing is making sure they take care of the pain . Not taking care of the pain can really make me into one mean bitch . Roz We made our way down to the VA at the crack of dawn . It was pretty much of a review of medical history and deciding what should be done next . The next thing to do is that we will go Tuesday and they will put a scope down his throat to have a look see and maybe if it is something that looks bad . They will take a sample . If they do that it will be about 5 days before we know the results . Don 't know anything on the kidneys yet or what is planned . All a wait and see game . We have been through these sort of things so much over the years . That we don 't get too upset . I try not too think the worse and so does Jim . His way of thinking is , let 's find out what it is and do something to make it better . So I go with his way of thinking . Roz I am filled with sadness today . Jim 's doctor called yesterday and said that he had a spot on his lung and a few spots on each kidney . We are hoping for the best . That the spot on his lung is just an infection and that the other spots are nothing to worry about . Yet I am worried . Tomorrow we go to have it checked out . I am hoping for good news . At least we know why Jim has felt so tired these last few months . Will let you know what happens . Roz I have not fallen down once today and it is almost noon . I need to pay attention to what I am doing . I get so distracted with other things . Jim was up at the crack of dawn to go to the VA . They wanted to do a cat scan this morning . So that is out of the way and he is back home . It is pretty darn cold here now and it looks like it is going to stay cold at least for this week . We did get some much needed rain this last week . Which makes me happy because it will help our garden this spring . I don 't know about all of you , but I am ready to get out into the yard and start digging . We still need to get that tree out of our yard that fell down . Jim has done some cutting , but we need to load it up and get it gone . So life is just rolling along . Didn 't hurt my self too bad with this last fall . Just skinned my knee . Roz Today is Jim 's Birthday . His present is the dog he brought home a couple of weeks ago . I did bake him a spice cake with cream icing and made him a nice supper . He is happy and full . So that was easy to take care of . Damn I fell down again this morning . It had rain last night and I was hurrying down the drive way in my moccasins when my foot slipped out from under me . Now I have a nice big bruise on one of my knees . I swear I need a padded to suit to wear . I am ready for someone else to take over all of this falling down . Not much else going on . Roz I think that I am finally getting caught up on things . I am giving my son my car , and so I had to find out how to gift him the car . It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought . If I give it too him as a gift he does not have to pay sells tax . I want to call the insurance people and have one our trucks dropped to just liablity . It is eight years old and wrecked twice . So I don 't think it is worth carring full coverage on it any more . Giving the car to my son and dropping coverage on the one truck will save me a bundle of money . So on we go trying to get things done . Roz The butt is better the visit with my son went well . Spring flowers are beginning to poke through the ground . So I would say in about a month things will be in bloom . The dogs were barking at something last night . Jim got up and said their was a dog in the yard next door . I put on my glasses to take a look and I don 't know what it was , but I don 't believe it was a dog . I have been seeing this rather furry creature ambling along the drive way at our house and down the street . I am not sure what animal it is suppose to be . I sure wasn 't going out in the middle of the night too take a look . We thought maybe a wood chuck , coon , or something along that variety of animal . It is about the size of out dogs and has pointed ears . I kind of wondered if it was a kitty of the will kind . Because of the ears . I do believe I well leave it alone . Roz It has been another crazy first week of the month for me . Bills to pay things to stock up on etc . I got most if not all of it done yesterday . I got a couple of days behind because of the butt fall . Now I am caught up and I have decided to relax for today . Tomorrow I have my younger son too see about . That will take me a couple of hours to do . Most of it will be driving him around to where he wants to go . Which means that I will be hurting by the time I get home . It hurts to drive the truck , but I will do what needs to be done . Crazy strange dreams last night . I was trying to dig my way out of a mud slide most of the night . Jim said I was kicking like crazy . He is some what worn out this morning . I guess you could call that pay back for all of the nights he has kept me awake . So it goes . Roz No I have not left the world of the living . I have been crazy busy with stuff . Family etc . etc . etc . Plus I fell Friday and bruised my butt big time . It has given some trouble just getting dressed and moving around . So I have not been feeling too chipper these last few weeks . With my being sick and everyone else being sick . Maybe we will get over all of this stuff soon . Jim brought home another dog . Lord help us . Now we have three . He just could not let it go too an animal shelter . He found it at one of those rescue things . I swear I am going to forbid him from going to those places . I feel worn out so I am making these entries short . Hope everyone is doing OK . Roz I have not wanted to write here in the last few weeks . All of us have been sick . So most of my time has been spent trying to recover . Plus doing all of the other stuff that one needs to get done . So by the time I get a chance to use the computer others are busy with their thing . So much for writing or doing an update . Jim and me have managed to get out and buy some new rose bushes to plant this spring . I haven 't been out in the yard , but Jim says we have spring flowers coming up . In about another month we will once again see the beauty of spring . I also haven 't wanted to say a lot about how Jim is doing . All I can say is that with all of this illness . I have been really worried . It does look like now things have turned around for the better . Roz This is my present a pretty pink orchid . I have it setting on my kitchen sink . So that I can look at it when I am in the kitchen . We also got two African Violet 's that are really pretty . Roz I am up not that I wanted to get up this early , but my older son called from NYC . He will be back among the common folk tonight . I am awaiting too hear all about his trip and see his photos . My take on the whole NYC trip is , I am glad I didn 't have too go . Roaming around streets with tall building is not my cup of coffee . I know that I would feel all closed in and ready for some ear plugs . Our downtown KC would no doubt fit inside of central park with room left to spare . So I am waiting . Need to take photos of the plants Jim and I bought yesterday . Lovely is all I have to say about them . Roz I have been pretty darn busy the last few days or is it the last week . I should have some quiet time now that the son and girlfriend have flown away . They left for NYC early this morning , and called about 10 : 30 AM to tell me they had made it safe and sound . I found a pretty interesting Internet site and so I have spent more time than I should looking people up . It is called Case net Mo . Want to know who is bad or good ? Then you go here to take a look . So I am easy to amuse . Plus some people are not as nice as they seem . Horrible thing . I found my own name on this site . I can tell you right now that it is not me . I truly did not know that another person had my first and last night . Mainly because my first name is pretty unusual . It kinda freaked me out to see my name . Who ever that person is that is using my name is not nice . May they get boils . Any ways not much else going on . Roz My niece in SC sent me this photo she took . She thought it would be fun for us too see a palm tree with snow . They got about enough to cover the ground . Been busy getting things done . Should have more time later in the week . Hope all of you are doing well . Roz In a few minutes I have to be out the door . It is doctor time for my younger son . Plus it is the end of the month and the beginning of the new month . Which means I have lots too do the next couple of days . I need to put my track shoes on and get going . Hope all of you are having a great day . Roz It has been busy here at the old folks home . So busy with trying to take care of a few things that I have some how managed to be gone for awhile . Life can take up a lot of your time . We have the wrecked truck back and fixed . Some how they forgot too put the front license plate back on . So I need to make a trip back up too the body shop to have it taken care of soon . Our new person here at the old folks home is ajusting very well . Things are moving along on a postive note . The only down thing is that the old fart has not felt very well . He sees his cancer doctor today . We will see what we see . I will try to see what other 's are doing soon . Hope all is well with all of you . Roz > Daily Survival Kit > Toothpick , Rubber band , Band aid , Pencil , Eraser , Chewing > gum , Mint , > Candy kiss , Tea bag > > 1 . Toothpick - > to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others >> 2 . Rubber band - > to remind you to be flexible : things might not always work > out the way > you want , but it will work out . >> 3 . Band aid - > to remind you to heal hurt feelings , yours and someone > else 's >> 4 . Pencil - > to remind you to list your blessings everyday > > 5 . Eraser - > to remind you that everyone makes mistakes , and it 's OK > >> 6 . Chewing gum - > to remind you to stick with it and > you can accomplish anything >> 7 . Mint - > to remind you that you are worth a mint ! >> 8 . Candy kiss - > to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug every day > > > 9 . Tea bag - > to remind you to relax daily and go over your list of > blessingsRoz Jim 's brother John took this picture the other day . We were married 45 years ago Jan 5th in front of this organ . It sat in my parents living room . Roz I won 't say too much about this , but we have an extra person living at our house . She ran into some bad luck . So we are trying to get her back on her feet . Life comes at you hard sometimes . When it does you just need a little helping hand . We use the pass it on method of being paid back . If you meet someone who needs a helping hand and you can help . Then remember when you got help and help them . It is warmer here in KC . Suppose to get up to the 60 's . Makes me happy . Still need to get that chain saw . Roz I can only try to make things better for some others that I know . At least I can offer a warm house , bed and food . Times are really tough for some , and it makes you all the more grateful that you have what you have in this world . I certainly know what it is too be cold , sick and hungry . I worry for all of the people who have lost everything because of others greed . I agree with Bobby I don 't think it is going to get better for some time . We didn 't need to worry so much about the enemies outside our country . We had plenty who were doing us in right here at home . How sick . Roz This is that big poinsettia that I had up stairs . As you can see it is doing just fine among the rose bushes . I have several more of the poinsettias in the basement . Roz This is the orchid that is growing in our basement . The plant behind is a big leaf philodendron . It is a plant that we keep outdoors in the warmer weather . It does get pretty big so we put it down in the basement during the winter months . Roz Life can come at you hard at times . If anyone thinks my life is boring think again . I don 't say to much about it . That is the private part of me that really doesn 't like to share . I do know one thing that my life is a lot easier since I got rid of some people . Everyone knows some one who is toxic and you just have to learn to get away from them . My family is a good example of those who just can 't seem to live life . They have to make something happen all of the time . So for years I have stayed away from certain ones and it is a good thing that I did . Because of all of the other things that just come your way that you have to handle . Why put up with others who love to create problems . I always wondered why , and my son say because they could cause problems . Makes no since to me , but then I am not them . Just a few thoughts on a very cold day . Roz Ok I am in one of those moods of mine . It is colder than a well diggers ass here in KC today . So all I want to do is go back too bed and wait it out . See you all later . Roz We took the truck up too the body shop this morning . So that is on it 's way to be taken care of and out of my hair . I am getting things pretty much back to normal around here at the old folks home . I have too got see about a chain saw . That I can use to cut up the tree that was blown down in the back yard . I want one that I can use because I really don 't think Jim is up to cutting that tree up . At least it fell in our yard and not into our neighbors which is good . My son got his third class which he has been worrying about for the last few weeks . So that is one more thing taken care of around here at the old folks home . So we are rolling along and I feel like I can breath once again . Hope you all are having a great day . Roz I was thinking some people would grow that weed in their basement . Jim and me we grow roses . This is from the rose tree that we didn 't get planted this fall . It is doing pretty good . Some of our other rose are blooming too and it looks like the white orchid is also getting ready to bloom . I am taking the truck in Monday . We will see how that all that works out . Today I am not doing anything that takes any kind of brain power . Roz This is the yellow truck that my son wreck . Most of the damage is too the grill , hood , and bumper . The claims adjuster is suppose to come sometime today . I may have too argue with Jim over getting it fixed . No one is driving this thing until I have it fixed . The brakes are going to be replaced come hell or high water . I have issues with the son and husband over these kind of things . So I am grinding my teeth and determined to get things done my way . Which is the right way . Roz I have not taken a picture of it , but while I was trying to make an entry here . My son called and said I have some bad news . He wrecked one of the trucks . At least he was able to get it back home and we switched out putting him in the car . So now I have to have it fixed . This is the same truck that some guy rear ended me and blew out all of the shocks . This is also the truck we just put new tires on . This all gives me a headache . If I had a junker no one would hit it . Oh well , and how was your day ? Roz I didn 't cook all of this Jim cooked part of it . After all of these years if I can get out of cooking I do . Sometimes I do get in the mood and cook up a storm . Last night I made chicken fryed up my way mushrooms , sage dressing , and a cherry pie . It took me over an hour too clean up the kitchen . I had flour every where from coating the chicken and mushrooms . You have to be fast once the cooking oil gets hot . You want it all too come out about the same time . Hope you all are having a good day . Roz Since you all like my food . Just thought I would throw in some more food . Enjoy . LOLCan 't you just smell the bacon ? Yum . Can 't you just taste the strawberries ? Yum . Are you hungry yet ? You all have a great day . Visit mommy Roz 's dinner table any time . Roz This is what we had for Christmas dinner . Nice steaks that Jim cooked . Jim is feeling much better today . One of the doctors sent him some anitibiotices and they really seem to help him a lot . So I am happy . He is not going to get away from me that easy . LOL Thanks too Westy for all of her help . I know so many of us are so glad not too have lost those we care about . So a big cheer for Westy . Now on to other things that need to be done . Roz Here I am stumbling around all over the internet trying to find you all . It seems like a lot of you have settled here at blogger . I do have to laugh at how slow I can be when it comes to do these things . I still plan on keeping the other journal . I think this will be a good way for me to learn . Believe it or not in some ways this has been fun . Like a treasure hunt of sorts . Only the treasure is all of you . Roz 45 years ago today on a sunny Jan . day I got married . I still remember when the minister said I now pronounce you man and wife . Ithought oh hell what have I got myself into now . What I got myself into was a journey down lifes path with a man . Who at times I could have pulled out a pistol and shot . Other times I only felt love that just filled me too the brim . So how does a person stay married 45 years ? First off you just get up every day and live life . You learn too take the good with the bad and enjoy the good , and make the bad go away . So here I am after all of these years . With two boys , and a man who tells me just about every day that he loves me . I don 't have a clue as too why he does , but he keeps showing up at the dinner table everyday . So I guess I might as well keep him . I haven 't run into any other men I want too keep around . So I guess that is how you stay married . Roz Another busy day . Meet my son at the doctor 's then took him back too the place he lives . Of course we had to stop on the way back . That is OK . I plan to watch a couple of movies that I rented and make chile tonight . Outside of that I am simply trying to rest up after all of the holidays . Plus just getting through everyone 's ill health etc . Seems like the holidays bring that stuff on . Hope everyone is doing well . Roz This is our new pup . Her name is Bree and she is about the same size as our Sassy . Also so sweet just like Sassy . We got her at the animal shelter . She gets along with Sassy really well . They are so much alike in so many ways . Yes she has our hearts just like Sassy . We just could not help falling in love with her . Roz
The forecast said it would be sunny and warmer today but it was not . There was snow in the air as we headed for church this morning and the temperature never got out of the 30 's . I have a graveside funeral service tomorrow and hopefully it will be warmer by then . Janie and I went by the funeral home after church and visited with the family . Our attendance was down in our morning services but up in our evening services . We had a visiting missionary in our services tonight and his presentation was really good . We spoke with Jason and Angie on Skype and they were doing well . We are looking forward to their visit . Here are my plans for the week but remember these are my plans and may not line up at all with what God has planned for me . Monday : Get the message ready for the graveside service , go visit at the nursing home , and then after lunch go to graveside service , Work on the Bulletin for Sunday , Work on the sermon for Sunday Morning . Tuesday : Ladies Bible Study in the morning , Go to Tyler and check on Sis . Davis , Work on Sunday School Lesson for Sunday . Wednesday : Get the lesson ready for the night service , Get my hiking gear ready for the Boy 's home school group session down at Moss Hill on Friday . Thursday : Go to Henderson to check on parents and then head down to Moss Hill for the evening . Friday : Lecture on Hiking and hiking gear ; Return to Hillsboro . Saturday : Prepare Sunday nights sermon , Review Sunday morning sermon ; Work on thesis . That will about do it for that week . I have to also work in getting the Church Van road ready to pick up Jason and his family at the airport next week . The picture is of my in - laws taken the last week . God bless you . It was cold , 29 degrees , and there was a trace of snow in the air when we arrived at the cemetery this afternoon . The wind was out of the north at about 10 miles per hour . Everyone except the funeral director was in their warm cars waiting . At about 5 minutes till three I got out of the car and walked to the grave side . Bro . Davis ' casket was cold in that wind . I took this picture and then looked up to see that everyone else had gotten out of their cars to join me . The service was brief , Bro . Ron Witcher read some verses , said a few words , and then called on me to close with prayer . We visited only briefly due to the cold . They opened the casket to allow those who had not been able to attend the service to see the body . I thought , just for an instant , that he would be cold . I turned and headed for the car . Janie was shivering as we walked back to the car . The drive home was quite , Janie napped off and on . We stopped for a bite to eat and made it home about 6 : 00 . It was a long day . I had gotten up early and was joined at breakfast by my oldest grandson . We had blueberry bagels with peanut butter . I was making some notes on my sermon and he asked if I enjoyed correcting my sermons . I thought that was an odd question . I have had to correct sermons before and , no , it was not fun . I explained I was just making some additional notes . The church house was full except for the choir loft . The service lasted an hour and a half . I preached the sermon leaving out several things for fear that I would not be able to control my emotions if I said them . They played the CD of Bro . Davis singing and several people in the congregation cried . It was snowing outside when the service ended . We ate lunch at the church then went over to my mother 's house so Janie could change into something warmer . This second picture I took before everyone had arrived . It is of my brother sitting with my grandkids . No comments : I had 1 / 2 of a peanut butter sandwich at 7 : 00 this morning for breakfast , my mother 's " boiled dinner " ( pictured ) for lunch , a hamburger for supper , and a bowl of my mother - in - law 's home made soup for a bedtime snack . This would not be so bad if I had walked today but I did not , so there . I will try to get my walk in tomorrow if it does not rain . After lunch with my mother we went to town to take care of some banking business for my in - law 's and then headed to the funeral home to help Sister Davis make the funeral arrangements . It was not until Sis . Davis returned home that she found the paper where Bro . Davis had written down everything he wanted at the funeral . We got close to what he wanted and will make a few adjustments to accommodate as many of his other requests as we can . The visitation will be Friday night from 5 : 00 to 7 : 00 at the Cottle Funeral Home in Overton , Texas . The Funeral will be at 10 : 00 Saturday morning at Pleasant Hill Missionary Baptist Church . The grave side service will be held at 3 : 00 Saturday afternoon . We will most likely leave from the grave side and return directly to Hillsboro . After leaving the funeral home we went to Wal - Mart to get some things for Janie 's parents . I stayed in the car and worked on the sermon while Janie did the shopping . I have spent this evening working on the funeral sermon and have a firm grip on it . I am praying that I will get through it with out loosing control of my emotions . I will start by sharing a few of my favorite memories of times I have shared with Bro . Davis . I will try to express what he has meant to me and that will be the tough part . If I make it past that I am home free . With that behind me I will preach a sermon which I have entitled " The Man Of God . " I expect that there will be standing room only so would advise anyone planning to attend to arrive early . If it were possible I would broadcast the service on Skype for Jason to see and hear but I am not sure we could work that out . I have not composed " Tribman " and may not get that done this weekNo comments : Bro . Harold Davis died at 7 : 05 pm January 27 , 2010 . Sister Davis called me this morning at 6 : 37 with the news of his death . We will be meeting with her at the funeral home at 2 : 00 this afternoon to make the funeral arrangements and I will post the information here . Be in prayer for her , these are difficult times . This morning I am going to type up the sermon I plan to preach at his funeral and may post it here on this blog after the funeral is over . God bless you . No comments : I have preached many funerals in my short 16 years of preaching , about 12 a year . There is a word that I have been miss pronouncing " interment . " I have been saying " internment . " There is significant difference between the two words so from now on its " interment " and not " internment . " I will leave it to the reader to find out this difference . Bro . Davis was much weaker today than yesterday . He is going down fast . Bro . and Sister Davis do not need a lot of company right now but they do need a lot of prayers . I do not expect him to make it to the end of the week based on how rapidly his health is deteriorating . Janie and I went by to see him just briefly this afternoon and left a rough draft of the brochure she wants to be handed out at his funeral . We returned to Hillsboro for our evening services and they went very well . We are now back in Henderson and I wanted to blog before heading for bed . I had a bad headache today so Janie drove part of the way back to Hillsboro while I slept . I was shocked when I woke up from what seemed like just a few minutes of sleep to see that she had been driving for an hour . I had no idea I was that tired . I took over and drove the last 40 miles into Hillsboro . I felt fine after that nap , headache gone and all was well . I want to work on Sunday 's sermon in the morning and the Sunday School lesson also . Friday will be thesis day and Sunday night 's sermon . I have been working for months on a sermon for Bro . Davis ' funeral . It is starting to take shape . I plan to type it out completely , though the delivery will be only sightly like the typed copy . Janie is working on orders and I am headed for bed . The picture is of my father 's place of " interment . " My father in the ministry will soon be going to his . God bless you . Bro . Brooks , the president of the Seminary , was in his office when I arrived . He helped me look through old issues of the Baptist Monitor for an article about Bro . Davis ' retirement . It turns out there was not one about his retirement from the school but there was one about his retirement from pastoring . It was good to visit with Bro . Brooks . His mind is still very sharp . I had left Janie in the car working on her orders on the laptop . We are blessed that she can make $ 8 . 00 an hour while traveling around with me . Bro . Davis was sleeping when we arrived . He is on morphine constantly now . He opened his eyes and said " Bro . Paul " to which I replied " My father , My father , the chariot of Israel and the horseman thereof . " It is a quote from the Bible . The king of Israel , Joash , went to see the great prophet Elisha as he lay on his death bed and cried over Elisha and said those , perhaps not so famous , words . We left after an hour and returned to my in - law 's house . Janie and I took a very long walk together . I love taking long walks with her , I love her so . When we got back I worked on the bulletin for Sunday and got that done . Just a few minutes ago my daughter called . She had just been in to see Bro . Davis and he was doing about the same as when we were there . He opened his eyes and said her name . Janie and her mother are cooking supper and it smells really good ! ! The pictures are of our walk this afternoon . God bless you . No comments : I like this photo not just because it is my grandson Jonathan and he is cute . He is playing on the floor pretending to be a puppy . He is doing so right between a walker and a motorized wheelchair . What a contrast his grandfather is taking his picture between his great - grandparent 's most prominent aids . He is not old enough to read Ecclesiastes 12 : 1 - 7 yet but that is the text that comes to my mind when I see this picture . We have made an emergency trip to Henderson . I talked to Sis . Davis this afternoon and she said that Bro . Davis was going down hill fast . He ate just a couple of bites at breakfast this morning but nothing else the rest of the day except a little bit of water . He was in such pain this afternoon that they gave him a shot of morphine . I called and cancelled my appointments for Tuesday and we got to the hospice center about 6 : 30 . He does not look well at all and was sleeping well being on morphine . He opened his eyes enough to see that I was there and she asked him if he knew who that was to which he responded " Brother Paul . " Sister Davis said that they told her he might last as long as two weeks but I think she believes it may be much sooner than that . Tomorrow I will be going by TBI to get a copy of the article that was in the Monitor about Bro . Davis when he retired from teaching at the seminary . I will work on a brochure that will be handed out at his funeral . It will contain a brief history of his ministry and the lyrics to one of the songs which he wrote . I have picked out a good picture of him for the front page . I want to get this printed out for her approval and then I will take it to the office supply and have them print a couple of hundred copies . After his death I plan to enlist some help from volunteers to get the rest of his sermons on the Internet . There are over 1000 of his sermons on there now and there will be well over 2000 by the time we have them all on there . I am not sure that I will be able to tell him but I know that he would be thrilled to hear that over 1600 unique visitorNo comments : I was watching my son 's youtube videos just now and one of the songs he sang was entitled " Ton Nom . " I think it means " Your Name . " I did not understand a single word of the song but it sure sounded good . I am still amazed that he has had over 17 , 000 hits on some of his youtube videos . I hope he will be able to record and post some more . If he keeps this up his name will be a household one . If you would like to check it out you can go to youtube . com and search for " abainfrance . " We had wonderful church services today . Our sound man , Chris , showed a short video called " The Bridge " right before the sermon tonight . It was just a real good service . Chris is a farmer by trade and right before the services I went up to the sound room and visited with him . He has a son named Cole who is about five months old . I asked Chris how old he was when his father had him doing actual productive work on the farm and he said he started driving the tractor at the age of 10 . He expects to start Cole at about that same age . Chris is really good in the sound booth and is even better in the field . He comes from a long line of farmers . Their name is well known in Hill county . I have had a whole lot of reponse to the picture I posted of Bro . Davis . There are so many lives that he has touched . Mine , perhaps , more than any others . His name is well respected among the pastors of our Baptist Association . Many want to be kept posted about how he is doing . " A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches , and loving favor rather than silver and gold . " How about " Ton Nom . " The picture is one taken a few years ago at the ABA national meeting and is of my son Jason , daughter Sarah , and Janie . God bless you . Most often it is I that stands behind the pulpit and Janie that sits in the pew . But every now and then the roles are reversed . These pictures were taken at the district Ladies Auxiliary meeting which we attended today . Janie is the president and moderates the meeting . The sermon that Bro . Dawson , pastor of Westview Baptist Church , brought today was outstanding taken from Romans chapter 16 . They served soup and sandwiches afterward and that too was wonderful . After getting back to the house I worked on Tribman and have it ready for Janie to proof read . We talked with Jason and Angie on Skype and they are doing well . They had four people to come to the Bible study on Thursday so they are off to a great start . We are so looking forward to their arrival back in the States . They told us not to buy any groceries before they come . They want to go to the store first thing when they get here and buy all their favorites and cook their favorite meals which they miss so . They will be here on February 12th . Tomorrow , church . Monday , funeral . Tuesday , study . Wednesday , thesis . Thursday , Davis . Friday , parents . Saturday , Sunday . Going to be a busy week . God bless you . No comments : This morning I took my mother - in - law to her hair dresser appointment ( pictured ) . Janie met us there later and after I got my mother - in - law back in the car I headed to the hospice center to see Bro . Davis ( pictured below ) . He was doing better there than he was at home . There were four visitors in the room when I arrived and two of those left when two others arrived . I stayed for a while and then after praying with him I left to return to Henderson . My mother 's DVD was not working so I stopped by her house to fix it . The cables were not plugged into the right spot on the TV so after moving them it worked just fine . Mother was doing some carpentry work when I arrived . She wanted to underpin her back porch to keep animals from getting under it . She was almost through having just one spot about two foot square left to cover . She has taken her " Bear " blanket to the hospital with some others and given it away . Though Jean , Janie , Paul , Ralph , and Denise asked her not to she had it in her mind to give it away so she did . We have to rise early in the morning to go to the district ladies auxiliary meeting . I have a funeral service Monday so it looks like next week is going to be a busy one . God bless you . No comments : We went by to see Bro . Davis today and he was not in pain though he had a really bad night . His bags were packed and they were waiting for the Hospice people to come and take him to the Hospice center . There is much doubt that he will return home . I do not know how long he has before his departure but I can not help but think it won 't be long . I plan to go by the Hospice center in the morning to check on Bro . Davis . This picture was taken in 2007 at TBI during my mother - in - law 's retirement party . I went for a walk with Janie right before sundown . We only did a little over two miles but it was fun and the weather was perfect . A friend stopped to talk with us on his way home . He was riding around looking for wild hogs and should not have had any problem finding some for there are signs of them all around . We got back to the house before dark . Janie has been working on Bible questions for her mother to give to the members of her church . She is working on orders now while I blog . Jason and Angie are looking into coming back to the States in February . We are anxious to see them . They had Bible study at their house today and I hope it went well . My mother - in - law fell out of her chair yesterday and Janie is going to take her to the doctor tomorrow to make sure she has not broken anything . Mostly it is her ankle that is bothering her . Well it 's off to bed for me . God bless you . This picture is of a wall hanging that my mother quilted . It hangs on the wall of our living room here in Hillsboro . If you look carefully you can see a church building complete with a steeple . Of all the features on this work of art the church is the least visible . One time a man from Belgium came to the U . S . to visit the plant where I worked . I picked him up at his hotel and brought him to the plant and gave him a tour . I can remember that he was amazed at the number of church buildings there were in Longview , Texas . He said to me " This must be a very religious city to have a church on almost every corner . " It was an interesting point of view . In our small town of Hillsboro , population 8256 , we have 23 church buildings . The seating capacity of all of these combined is about 5ooo . That leaves 2 , 256 people who have to stand on Sunday mornings . There are 200 in nursing homes and 20 or so at any one time in the hospital so maybe only 2000 would have to stand on Sunday mornings . It would be great if the number of church buildings in a town was an indication of the piety of its people . None of the churches in our town have standing room only Sunday mornings . According to the pastors I have talked to church attendance is down . Churches seem to go unnoticed by all but outsiders like the man from Belgium . I have been to that man 's town and there is only one church building and his town is the same size as Hillsboro . The seating capacity of that building was about 350 . There were people buried under the floor of that building , which seemed strange to me . We are blessed indeed to have such freedom of religion and to have need for more church seating than 350 . It would be good if all religions could come together and all believe and teach the truth . If you move to Hillsboro you have 23 churches from which to choose . If you move to that town in Belgium you only have one . My understanding is that that one does not have a seating capacity problem . My son Jason is a missionary in a town in France which does have more than one No comments : In 1959 my father became the pastor of a small church in Trinidad , Texas . We moved there from Henderson , Texas in October of that year . Our first winter there was very cold . The house in which we lived had one gas space heater . They did not run the heat at night so in the morning it was very cold . I can remember shivering by the fire in the living room . I also remember getting sick and mother having to take me to the doctor , a thing they rarely did . While waiting to see the doctor I felt like I was going to throw up and told my dad and he said " Okay , hold on it won 't be long . " I threw up all over my lap and after they got me cleaned up they moved me right in to see the doctor . I was given a shot and sent back home . That spring the school teacher told us students that we could come to school bare footed . We were all thrilled and my mother was very happy as well . Shoes were only worn to school and church in the summer time . I remember spending a week each summer on my grandparents farm . We did not wear shoes running around the barn yard and did not mind a bit stepping in what the farm animals deposited there . We would just wipe our bare feet off on the grass and then on the rug before going into the house for lunch . It was also in Trinidad that me and my brother Steve were told by our dad how to stand up to bullies . There was a bully that pushed us around all the time . One day my dad told us to tell him that we were going to meet him after school and that each of us was going to take one of his legs and we were going to pull him in two . We were very excited about this prospect . With great enthusiasm we sought out the bully and with great excitement in our voices we told him our plans . He did not seem impressed nor scared but after school he was no where to be found . He left us alone from that day forward . It was in Trinidad that we had a dog named Carla which my dad named after the hurricane that hit the coast that year . My dad worked for the post office in Trinidad and once my mother had me to walk down there to sNo comments : The news I received and withheld is this : Jason and Angie are expecting their fifth child in September . Jason announced this on his blog so I figure it is okay for me to let the news out now . We are excited for them and anxious to see the new arrival . This will , of course , mean a trip to France for Janie and me in September . We are starting to save for this trip now . It will take about $ 2000 . 00 . Now maybe you can suggest where will I put the pictures of our two newest grandkids . The picture is of a frame we have on our dinning room wall . We could take Stacie and Scott 's picture out for Elijah , their newest , and Jason and Angie 's picture out for their newest . We could remove our picture and Sarah and Justin 's picture then purchase another of these frames for our pictures and any future grandkids with which God may bless us . Suggestions are welcomed just leave me a comment . I went to the nursing home this morning and had good services and visit there . I had a counseling session afterward and then returned home to work on the next Episode of Tribman and got it and the bulletin for Sunday done . Ladies Bible study will be in the morning and tomorrow night we will have services with the church down in Lorena . The Sermon for Sunday will be about the Great White Throne judgment which will finish up chapter 20 of Revelation . Chapter 21 won 't be too difficult but Chapter 22 will be tough . The Thesis is back on track and Wednesday I will make some serious progress on it , Lord willing . Looking forward to your comments , God bless you . I received some news today that I can not tell here at this time . I shall wait to announce it after those who bore the news to me have had a chance to break the news to others . In a day or two I will break the news here but for now I will joy in the fact that I have caused you to wonder . We had outstanding services at church today . I got to the church house about 7 : 00 this morning and went over the sermon . I went to the auditorium and preached to the empty pews . I could not wait to share the message with the people . We had one to join our church this morning and we will baptize her next week most likely . I preached a sermon tonight on how you can know that you are saved . The business meeting went well and , as I use to say to Sarah , " I survived another one . " Oh what a busy week I have ahead of me . I will help in the nursing home services in the morning , work on the thesis tomorrow afternoon , compose the next Tribman episode , get the bulletin ready for next week and that is just tomorrow 's work . I may make a special trip over to Tyler to see Bro . Davis and help Sis . Davis with their income tax . The picture is of the front of our house here in Hillsboro . God bless you . We went by to see my mother today on our way back to Hillsboro . She is doing great . She made some hot tea and served it with some pound cake she had made . It was good and the visit was good . She has been staying busy cleaning around her house and making baby blankets . We went by to see Bro . Davis and he is now under hospice care . He is very weak and is no longer able to get out of bed on his own . His wife is hurting from having to handle him . Please keep them in your prayers . Next Wednesday is their 62nd anniversary and unless the Lord intervenes he will not see another . We enjoyed the visit with our grandkids last night and our daughter also . She brought two hasps and two padlocks for their trailer and I put those on this morning while a light rain fell on my pate ( google that word ) . The pictures were taken of their visit on Friday . Sarah and her husband are coming for a visit . They went to the Fort Worth livestock show today and are going to spend the night with us and visit our church services in the morning . I have supper cooking in the oven and am looking forward to their visit . My father - in - law has a new lift chair , a part of which you can see in the second picture . It may not be as comfortable as he might like but it is much easier for him to get out of . God bless you . I ended up taking two walks today and a stationary bicycle ride . I took my mother - in - law to her hairdresser appointment while Janie stayed with her dad and there was a stationary bicycle exercise device there so I gave it a try . I also took a walk down to the lake that is just over a half mile from the hairdresser 's shop . The picture is one I took with my cell phone of me by the lake . Two or three years ago we had a severe drought and this lake completely dried up . There was a field of grass growing where you see the water in the picture . The second walk I took this afternoon down the road on which my in - laws live . Janie needed a nap so while she napped I walked . This second picture is of Janie working on Internet orders for Sullivan Supply . Business has been real good lately so she has had to put in a lot of time . She does these on the couch instead of the dinning room table so she can keep her dad company . We are expecting our daughter Stacie and her kids to be here this evening . They are coming for a quick visit and to install a lock on their camper trailer . There have been some kids playing in the trailer and she was afraid they might get hurt . It will be good to see them and they should be here in an hour or so . This last picture is of my mother - in - law 's motorized chair waiting for her to return . I am going to do get some work done before the kids arrive so had better get to it . God bless you . I made some repairs here at my father - in - law 's house this morning . The bathroom door hinge and come loose and the screws holes were stripped out . I moved the hinge up about a 1 / 2 inch and that fixed that . The threshold to the door between the kitchen and the hall was loose and sticking up so I put screws in it an that fixed that . You can see both in this picture . My brother - in - law took my father - in - law to get a massage this morning and Janie took her mother this afternoon to the doctor 's office for a check up . I talked to Janie just a bit ago and they are at the Lazy Boy recliner store in Tyler and are buying a lift type recliner with massage and heat built into it . Hopefully they deliver . Since Janie went with her mother I had the house to myself for a while and worked on my thesis . I have started a " note " file where I make notes about my research . I will keep this file as a record of my research work . I did not have the books I needed to do translation so I did reading instead . I found some more sources on the Song of Songs and made not of those . I closed my research work today by reading the Song of Songs . If time permits I will end every research session that way . I am reading the Bible through in reverse order this year . I have read all the books of the New Testament with the exception of Matthew , Mark , Luke , and John . At the rate I am going I will finish the New Testament next by the end of January . I am going to go for a walk before it gets dark outside . I am doing my best to exercise everyday including my 25 push ups . God bless you . Obadiah , wow what a good book . I will be bringing " Lessons from Obadiah " tonight in our service . I woke up this morning thinking " Obadiah is going to be a rather dull text for tonight . " I could not have been more wrong . It is the shortest book of the Old Testament and its background and timing are difficult at best to determine with complete accuracy . I got to studying for tonight 's text and found a treasure . How in the world I could have thought this book to be dull is beyond me now . Janie and I have had a good day . She did not come to bed until 3 this morning . I went for a 4 mile walk and read 14 chapters in the book of Acts . While she took a nap I went to the bank and gas station . We are packed for going over to Henderson tonight . I will take her mother to see the doctor tomorrow while she stays with her Dad . I plan to go by and see Bro . Davis on our way back to Henderson Saturday morning . I am going to take my tools and do some repairs for my in - law 's while I am there . The picture is of me and my mother - in - law waiting in the van for my father - in - law to finish his cancer treatment last week . God bless you . It started with me putting my tie on at 8 : 00 AM and I took my tie off at 9 : 00 PM . I did manage to get in about a three mile walk and read the book of Romans today . The ladies Bible study was great and the service tonight I really enjoyed . I preached a sermon entitled " Why Church . " I may do this sermon as a series at my church this summer . Janie and I splurged for supper tonight by getting a salad at McDonald 's . It was good and we ate it while watching the news . Janie is working now while I was getting an article ready to send off to the Baptist Monitor . I also needed to email some files to the Secretary / Treasurer of the MBA of Texas . That is all done now so when I finish this blog I will write a couple of thank you notes then head for bed . The church down in Hewitt gave us a very generous Christmas love offering . One of the ladies , Johnnie , gave us some homemade bread and homemade sweet rolls . She showed us a doll that she made that was amazing . It is a triple doll . First it was Little Red Riding Hood and then when you flip it over and invert the dress it is Little Red 's grandmother . When you flip her bonnet over the face on the back side of her head is the wolf in Granny 's clothes . I will have to see if I can get a picture of it . It was amazing . Three dolls in one . I had heard of double dolls before but this was a new twist . There is a cat that belongs to our neighbor that hangs around our yard . Our granddaughter , Hannah , has named it " Rowbill . " I do not know how she came up with that name . My daughter has asked me to speak to the home school boy scout group to which my grandson belongs . I am going to take my hiking gear and do a little show and tell about hiking . I am going to show them how to make an alcohol stove out of two soda pop can bottoms . I am looking forward to it . She tells me there are 15 boys in the group . I am going to plan a hike somewhere soon . I need the exercise and a day like today would have been perfect hiking weather . I have not played a round of golf in a very long time so this spring I amEmail ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest The funeral went very well this afternoon . I spent the morning catching up on some Bible reading . I also took a walk this morning while thinking about the funeral sermon . The Bulletin is ready for Sunday , at least my part . Janie made us some Frito Pie for supper and after I blog I will work on some thank you notes then review the sermon for tomorrow night . The picture is one I took at the cemetery this afternoon . This is the grave of one of our church members whose funeral I did back in October . It was raining and cold that day and every one 's feet got wet . Today was much nicer weather and the service was indoors . I went to the graveside to be with the family as the casket was lowered into the grave . A couple from our church rode with us over to the funeral . We enjoyed their company and it was a blessing to the family to have them present . Tomorrow will be a busy and long day . I plan to start early and " Git - R - Dun . " I feel it is going to be a really great day . God bless you . Janie fixed us some corn dogs for supper tonight . I like to eat junk food every now and then and I suppose that is okay as long as you don 't make a habit of it . You might argue that a corn dog is not junk food and I suppose there are worse things to eat . Either way that corn dog sure was good . We had a great service this morning . Jason was on the big screen in our auditorium and spoke to us live from Magrie , France . I think the people were impressed . We also took up a special offering to go toward the cost of replacing some of the light fixtures in our auditorium . We needed about $ 1400 and we got about $ 1700 . Tonight we had a guest speaker who is trying to raise the funds needed to revitalize a church that has declined in membership . Our Church started that particular church 26 years ago and we hate to see it declining . The deacons meeting after the services was short for currently all things are quiet and going well . One of our church members gave us a DVD of the movie " Most " a clip of which you will find in the right column of this blog . We watched it twice this afternoon and it was good . I plan to show this movie , which is only 30 minutes long to our congregation on Sunday night the 24th of this month . The emphasis will be on why we do what we do as Missionary Baptists . This afternoon I had a long visit with one of our church members who is normally consider a " shut - in " because her health is not good . She was at church this morning and wanted me to come by for a visit . It was good visit and I need to do more of that for our " shut - in 's " This evening I plan to get some reading done and to work on the bulletin for next Sunday . I have a funeral tomorrow and plan to work on my thesis afterward . Tuesday will find me at two Bible studies one here at the parsonage in the morning and one in the evening down in Lorena south of Waco . I am looking forward to both of these . It is what I live for and what I love to do , teach the Bible . God bless you . I am resorting to some old technology tomorrow for my Sunday School class . I have an overhead projector that I used to use a lot when I pastored at Gum Springs and when I taught Sunday School at Pleasant Hill . We will be covering the division of the land of Israel during the Millennium . A picture is worth a thousand words so tomorrow I will show them some pictures . I went to the church office to get some work done and get setup for my class and a friend came buy for a visit . When I got home I took a walk and read the books of Galatians and Ephesians . I cooked some supper and thought I would blog before reviewing my sermon for tomorrow . Janie talked to Jason today and I talked with both of our daughters today . All is well with each of them . Janie and I have a date tonight . We are going to watch a movie together and that will be fun . The picture is one I took with my cell phone of me and my father - in - law waiting for a very long time for his lab work results to arrive . God bless you . Janie is driving us home while I blog . The picture is of me and my mother holding an Afghan which she recently finished . My sister , Jean , gave her the pattern for it . I got up at 3 : 00 this morning to help Janie move her dad 's chair out and replace it with another one . It has gotten to the point that he can not get out of his old chair and was dreading sitting in it for that reason . You can see from the second picture him sitting in the other chair . We went back to bed and I got up at 8 : 00 and took the trash off and delivered groceries to Janie 's uncle Trenton . We left the Taylor 's and went by to visit with my mother and then to Bro . Davis . He is very weak and is using a walker now . He is not eating and drinking enough to suit his wife . He did not seem to be in any pain though he is on pain medications . I drove the first half of our journey home and Janie is driving the second . I am going to work on the sermon for Sunday and should have it all typed up by the time we are home . God bless you . We made it to the Taylor 's house last night about 12 : 30 . We went to bed about 1 : 30 and I got up about 2 : 30 coughing . I stayed up until the medicine kicked in and then went back to bed about 3 : 00 . Janie stayed with her mother at the beauty shop and worked on her orders while I took her dad to the cancer center . A lab machine was broke so it took a long time for him to find out if he could take his treatment . It turned out there was a problem so they gave him a lower dose . We finished up in Tyler about 5 : 00 and got home near 6 : 00 . Janie and I just got back from the store . The Taylor 's and Janie 's uncle Trenton were out of several things . The first picture is of Janie getting the grocery list from her uncle . The second picture is of me waiting for the gas pump to finish filling the tank . It was 26 degrees and the wind was blowing out of the north at about 15 mph . God bless you . Most of my days are long . They begin early and end late . Today was somewhat different . I went to bed on time but rose coughing at 1 : 00 am . I stayed up until 2 : 00 for the cough medicine to kick in . I ended up sleeping to nearly noon . This makes the day very short . I went to the post office at 3 : 00 this afternoon and as I was coming out of the post office I spoke to a lady coming in and said " Good morning . " I did go and buy groceries at Brookshire 's . I have slept more than half the day away . I suppose I needed to catch up . Mother called to see if we were coming to Henderson . She wanted to make sure I knew that the weather was going to be bad . We do plan to go to Henderson tonight . Janie and I will take her parents in the bitter cold to Tyler so her dad can get his cancer treatment and she can get her hair fixed . Last night I did get a handle on the text for Sunday . It is a tough text and I am looking forward to teaching the lesson . The picture is one I took of Janie today working in the kitchen . We keep our thermostat set on 70 and she often gets cold . God bless you . No comments : At the ladies Bible study this morning I started the session by fielding questions . The discussion that followed was good . We did not make much progress on the study but did have a good time . Janie and I went to get a hair cut this afternoon and I look much better . Janie on the other hand always looks great . I worked on the Sunday School lesson today and it took me longer than normal . It is a difficult text and I am not through with it yet . After I blog I will get back on that again before heading for bed . I took a walk today and read the books of Peter , the three epistles of John , and Jude . My mother - in - law called and said she had a problem . It seems she did something and the TV and computer were not working . Connie fixed the TV for her and I talked her through fixing her computer so all is well . Even though this is going to be the coldest weather we have seen in some time , Janie and I are still planning to go to Henderson to take her parents to Tyler for their appointments . We will head home on Friday stopping by to see my mother and Bro . Davis . They are predicting a low of 13 on Saturday morning . It seems very cold now but I can remember waiting for the bus on the side of the road out in front of my aunt Mariel 's house in Ayer when I was a kid and the temperature was - 20 . I remember it hurt to breath at that temperature . The picture was taken a year and a half ago at our youngest daughter 's wedding . It is of my mother - in - law , sister - in - law Connie , and father - in - law . God bless you . I just finished eating supper . Janie made chicken fried steak and it was mmmm good . The day has gone well . I coughed a lot last night after going to bed so got back up about 1 : 00 and talked to Jason for a bit . He was about to take the kids to school . I stayed up until my coughing settled down a bit and then went back to bed about 2 : 30 . Janie had a lot of work to do so she did not come to bed until 5 : 00 this morning . I got up deciding not to go to the pastor fellowship since I had not gotten a very good nights sleep . I went to the bank and post office and then got to working on the bulletin for next Sunday . I had some phone calls concerning a funeral on Monday . The brother of one of my church members has died and they want me to preach his funeral . It was to be a graveside service but since the weather is going to be bitterly cold they will have the service indoors . I also had a call from a friend who is going to come by for a visit on Saturday and I am looking forward to that . I talked with a missionary and set up an appointment for him to come and share his vision with our church . The afternoon ended with a walk and a slow read through the book of Revelation . Janie and I had to go to Waco to get some toner for the printer . Jason 's monthly report finished off the toner and we had to run the rest of them with the copy machine at the church . Tomorrow we have the ladies Bible study in the morning and then I will work on the sermon for Sunday . Wednesday morning I plan to work on my thesis . The picture is of the gift that my son - in - law brought back for us from his trip to Paraguay . God bless you . This is day three of the new year and our church services , though low in attendance , went very well . My voice held out for both services and I coughed very little during the sermons . I took a good nap this afternoon . Tonight I will work on the next episode of Tribman and get the bulletin ready for next Sunday . Tomorrow I want to attend the pastor 's fellowship in Arlington and will if I feel okay . Tomorrow afternoon I will work on my thesis which I have not touched in over a month . It looks like some cold weather is headed our way this week about the time we head over to Henderson . I will go by and visit with Bro . Davis and also with my mother . I need to work out at time with her where she can come and spend a weekend with us . The first picture is of the workmanship of our granddaughter , Ruth . She left this behind on our table not wanting to destroy her hard work . I will let it be for another day then place it in the toy box . The second picture is of Janie telling Hannah goodbye . God bless you . This is a picture of my grandkids when we went to Mcdonald 's . The man in the picture is one of our church members and a very good friend . He and his wife wanted to do this for our grandkids and seemed to enjoy watching them play . This is the same couple that drove over 180 miles one way to attend my father 's funeral . They got lost and were not actually there but I have them in my mind counted as present . Their daughter died a few years ago and I preached her funeral . They are a very generous couple . Our life is now back to normal with the holidays behind us . Sunday I will be preaching on the subject of " The Supper of our Great God . " It concerns the battle of Armageddon a battle which my eyes shall see from a bird 's eye view . The Sunday School lesson is also from a very exciting text . We will wade with the prophet Ezekiel in a river that will one day flow , a river where angel feet have trod . I do not know if I will be allowed to wade in that river but I like to think that I will . How wonderful it will be when our faith is turned to sight . I had a bad night of coughing last night and got little sleep . I took a nap late this afternoon and woke up coughing . I will do the best I can to get through the sermon tomorrow without coughing . God bless you . No comments : Well I started my new year off asleep . Went to bed about 11 : 00 and got up this morning at 4 : 45 . Stacie and I headed to the airport to pick up Scott . There was no traffic and the roads were good even though it was 28 degrees . We had to wait only a few minutes for Scott to clear customs and then we headed back home . The kids were very excited to see their dad . He brought back gifts for everyone and some good pictures of his trip . He had a really good time . I took a long nap and have been feeling very good today . I did not have any fever today as far as I know . I have a bad cough and hope to shake that off soon . So far my voice is very deep but staying with me . I will be singing bass Sunday for sure . I took this picture today , after my nap , of Janie reading a book to the grandkids . Having company for two weeks has caused me to miss her though we have not been , for any significant period of time , parted this fortnight . It has been wonderful having the grandkids here for Christmas and we had a white one as well . It is a bit sad to think that we will not know or be known by our other grandchildren as well as these . This sacrifice is for the glory of God and though , compared to many , it is a small one nonetheless we lay it upon the altar willingly , knowing that those who loose their life for Jesus ' sake , save it . This year may we all offer our bodies a living sacrifice , Holy and acceptable unto God . Happy New Year to all . God bless you . This picture was taken back in the 1960 's of my Dad and his parents and brothers and sisters . I am about to get in trouble with my dad 's family as I try to name those in the picture . Left to right , Clyde , Ruth , Clyde , Barbara , Bill , Gordon , Dorcas , Mariel , Leslie , Mary . I hope I got that right and spelled their names correctly . 99 % sure . My father designed and built this building in Ayer , Mass . It was a lot of hard work ! Built in the late 1960 's it still stands today . Emanuel Missionary Baptist Church . This is my Father in the ministry , Bro . Harold Davis . He was a huge blessing in my life ! He had a great amount of wisdom ! He died of cancer in January , 2010 . I designed and built this tool for scooping mud out of the bottom of a shallow well . It worked real well . We removed 12 inches of mud from the bottom of our well in Henderson . The apostle Paul may have made a living at one time making tents but this Paul would starve . The tent is coming along slowly . I have the f . . . Janie 's Birthday Cake Today is Janie 's birthday . She turned __ years old today . I will let you fill in the blank . She took her . . .
I survived . Just barely . Since the people at the stabby place didn 't know what was wrong with me , the Younger Human had to sit in the car with me until they had a room ready for me . I hated that , but the Woman turned the cold air up all the way before she got out of the car to go inside . And the Younger Human had his Much Better Smelling Friend with him , so that was something nice . I like her ; she 's always nice to me . Anyway , I went in after a while and that same guy was there . This time he wanted to shove something up my butt ! I let him know in no uncertain terms that was not going to happen . So he touched my ears instead . He doesn 't know what 's wrong , but gave the Woman some really gross white stuff to give me . This stuff is the worst treat I have ever had . It 's worse than licking my own butt . He also told her to bring Buddah Butt in for some special test to make sure cooties was all he had . I hope they stab him , too . Just a little . I still feel really , really bad . After we got home all I did was sleep . After dinner - - which I got to eat on the bathroom counter so that Buddah wouldn 't bug me - - I went back to sleep . There 's a nice comfy place in the closet and I went in there for a while . Before the Man left to pass gas I got up for a little bit and he put Buddah in the Younger Human 's room so I could have some peace . I am going to go ask the Woman to rub me under my coller , ' cause MagiCatRN says it will make me feel better , and then I 'm going back to sleep , probably on top of the dresser in the bathroom . Buddah Butt can 't get up there , and the cold air thingy blows right onto it . I 've never been sick before . I don 't think I want to do this again . I still feel really bad . When I cough the Woman says it sounds like a seal barking , and this morning I coughed up this huge wad of gross stuff that I left in a stringy trail across the carpet . The Woman said that was okay , and she 'd clean it up . And every time Buddah jumps on me , she takes him off and tells him no , to leave the big kitty alone because he doesn 't feel good . Yeah , I actually appreciate that . I heard her on the phone a little bit ago , though , and it sounds like she 's taking me back to that place where I got stabbed . This isn 't good , because I just don 't have the energy to bite that guy today . If I survive it , I 'll update tonight . If I 'm not sleeping it off , that is . I hope he doesn 't stab me again . I am sick , and it 's all Buddah Butt 's fault . He brought these cooties into the house , and he 's the one who sneeze out giant green boogers . I feel like a forgotten but too often used litterbox . Someone needs to teach the little furball how to walk . He doesn 't seem to know how - - it 's run here , run there , run sideways , run , run , run . I think the People get tired just watching him . He 's so busy being spastic he didn 't even realize that the Woman was giving us crunchy treats . She put down 5 for me and 1 for him , and when he didn 't eat it , I took it . Yeah , that 's right . I snatched the crunchy treat right out from under his nose . You snooze , you lose . He 's been out all day so far , and I 'm not seeing any respite from his hyperactive little butt . I wish the People would put him back in the Younger Human 's room so I could get some sleep . There is no resting with a feline cannonball on the loose . Okay , listen . No matter what The Woman says , I was not running in terror from that little hairy piece of fluff . When they let him out of the cage today , I just wasn 't in the mood to deal with someone who clearly needs a hefty does of Ritalin . Yes , I ran down the hall , and then up the hall , and through the kitchen and the bedroom . And yes , he was right on my tail , but that doesn 't mean he was chasing me . And it certainly doesn 't mean I was running from him . I just don 't want to deal with him . Simple as that . Sheesh . Edited 2 . 5 hours later to add : I let the little chit have it . He got too close one too many times , so I hissed at him and then popped him on the head 3 or 4 times . He 'll learn . Ok . I met it . I am not impressed . It - - okay , he - - is just a baby kitty but he has an attitude and I 'm not sure I like that . He can 't stay focused on anything for more than a minute , unless it 's playing with my green catnip mouse . If I wantd to , I could sit on him and squish him . I might want to , but right now they have him in this cage in the living room , where I can see him and get used to him . Yeah . Well . I 'm not getting used to him . Once he 's out of that cage , I might even try to eat him . He 's not that big , though , so it 'll probably be just a snack . I can be patient . A heck of a lot more patient than he seems to be . Oh , and there are more pictures of us meeting . They 're pretty big , so fair warning if you 're on dialup . Okay . So I was playing with a catnip toy by the Younger Human 's door , and out from under it came this tiny little paw - - with claws , no less . Man , it is really little . The paw disappeared , so I stuck my paw under and waited . And waited . And waited . After a minute or so it jumped on my paw . Tell you what , it took it so long that I kind of forgot why I had my paw under there , and I jumped . The Woman was laughing at me , but hell , she 's seen it better than I have and has a better idea of what it might do . So I went back to playing with my catnip toy . It 's this red thing that 's supposed to look like a People 's candy bar , like I 'm stupid enough to believe that . It 's fun though , and I was batting it around , and it went up into the air and landed by the door . And you know what happened ? Do you ? It stuck its paw under the door , snagged my catnip toy , and took it ! I kid you not , it had barely hit the ground and that thing reached under the door and stole my freaking toy ! The Woman says if it doesn 't sneeze tonight , then I get to meet it tomorrow . I didn 't want to meet it , but I think I better so I can get my danged toy back ! The Woman wants people to know that Blogger is having " issues " and is puking all over the place . They were supposed to have it cleaned up this afternoon , but obviously they 're still too busy hacking their toenails up to grab a mop . Her blog is not gone , just . . . not here right now . And she is not happy . . . One way or another , I have to get into the Younger Human 's bedroom . I know what he has in there , and I even caught a glimpse of it when he was coming out of his room last night , but I still want to get in and see for myself . So for the most part , when I can hear it moving around in there , I camp out by the door , hoping for a chance to sneak in . The Woman has done a good job of not going in there and getting that kitty funk all over her , it 's mostly the Younger Human and the Man , but last night she went in and stayed in there for like 50 hours . I know it was that long beause I counted , 1 - 2 - 3 . . . all the way past 50 . And when she came out , she said that I wasn 't allowed in there , because " Buddah " has a cold and she doesn 't want me to catch it . Well , fine . At least she doesn 't want me to get a head full of snot that I could choke to death on . But she gave it medicine to keep it from choking to death on its own snot , and I dont think I find that acceptable . And then she said that in a day or two , I 'll get to meet Buddah . I never said I wanted to meet it . I just want to get in there and see for myself , more than just a little glimpse . As far as I can tell , it 's an awfully smally kitty , and all black . I think all I have to do is sit on it , and I 'll win . Buddah . = snort = That 's a dog 's name . Oh , and that chubby bald guy that the Woman collects figures of . I 'm going to get in that room , I swear . . . Ok , People , I know what was in that box that you had in your hands when you rushed out the door , being all weirded out about it sneezing and having foot long boogers . What I don 't get is why you brought it BACK . And I also heard it having fun in the Younger Human 's room . You bought it toys , didn 't you ? You bought it a shiny , tinkling little ball , so that it could be in there , making happy noises with MY Younger Human , while I 'm on the other side of the door with nothing . Oh , I bet you didn 't even think of that , did you ? That maybe I might like a new toy ? And what 's with the pink stuff in the fridge ? I don 't get any of that either , do I ? It gets that treat three times a day ! I heard you say so . Oh holy Pope on a pogo stick . You gave it some of MY toys , didn 't you ? ? ? The last human to fall asleep tonight is going to enjoy some toothy Max fun . I swear . HE ' S CHEATING ON ME ! ! ! The Younger Human is cheating on me , I know it ! I can smell kitty coming from his room ! All the People went somewhere this morning , and when they got back he went right to his room and shut the door , and I 've been smelling kitty ever since ! If they think they 're replacing me . . . Well , I 'm not going without a fight , that 's all I 'm sayin ' . My house , my People , my Younger Human . What are they thinking ? ? ? ? Wow . The Younger Human didn 't come back inside until after I had my breakfast this morning . The People really should have let him back in sooner , because he didn 't look so hot . He acts like whatever he was doing outside all night was fun , though , so I suppose it 's all right . I wonder if that girl kitty was outside , too . She still wants me . Wait , I think maybe she was ! And think the Younger Human got her name . It 's Espeeceeay , I think . It has to be , because he mentioned something about a girl kitty and Espeeceeay . But she might not be a nice girl kitty , because he also said something about having to give her $ 125 . What could she have that 's worth $ 125 ? ? ? This is the Younger Human . The one who brought me home so that the People could be my staff . Some of his friends had me first , but they couldn 't really afford to take care of me . Like , no Stinky Goodness . So he told them his People could buy me Stinky Goodness , and they decided that would be better for me , and let him bring me home . He 's good People . But . Today the People left the house this afternoon because the Younger human had to graduate . I 'm not exactly sure what that is , other than it makes the People very happy ( I think what the Woman squealed was no more tuition ! ) and it makes the Younger Human quite happy , too . So happy he is not coming home tonight . I don 't think he realizes it , but the food is here , and so is his warm bed . Evidently when one graduates , one has to stay outside all night . Now , I don 't begrudge him getting to graduate , but it meant that my dinner , my wonderful Stinky Goodness , was two hours late ! TWO HOURS LATE ! ! ! Surely he could have done this graduating a little earlier in the day , when it wouldn 't interfere with my feeding schedule . Right ? Right . Oh , and congratulations to the Younger Human , even though my dinner was late . We 've discussed this before . Yes , there is a reason that the book / magazine / newspaper that you left in the bathroom is in my litterbox . Sometimes dropping that 7 pounder takes a little time , and just like you , I like to read to pass the time away . It 's either that , or I start grabbing things out of the trash and shred them while I 'm otherwise occupied . I don 't mind doing that , you know . There are some very shredable things in the trash , things that make wonderful and creative decorations . Magazines in the box , or Devine Feline Design . Your choice . The Man goes to pass gas at night now . I 'm still trying to figure out the value in having him go someplace else to do this , other than the fact that it spares the rest of us the end result of his gaseous anomalies , but it must be important to someone if they want him to come do it at night , too . There 's an important benefit to him wandering off all night : he comes home just before it 's time for my morning Stinky Goodness , which means I don 't have to work so hard to get the Woman up to get it for me . She gets to sleep , I get to eat , and everyone is happy . Mostly happy . I worry that without my morning wake up call the Woman will sleep all day , or worse , she 'll forget how to open a can of Stinky Goodness . If there 's ever a time the Man isn 't here to do it , and she forgets , I 'm hosed . It 's not like it couldn 't happen : the Woman seems to forget things a lot . Like last week , she forgot to shoot up take one of her medications for a couple of days . Sometimes she goes through the house looking for things because she forgot where she put them ( she could ask me , but since she doesn 't , I 'm not volunteering the information . ) So I 'm thinking that even though the Man is feeding me in the morning , I should go sing to the Woman and climb all over her head , anyway . Just so she doesn 't sleep the rest of her life away . And so she gets up and watches the Man open a can every now and then , to keep the image in her head . I 'm just being considerate . Sigh . Obviously , I am not dead . They tried hard , but it didn 't quite turn out the way they planned . I had to dig down deep and do some pretty mean things , but it meant that I came out on top . The People started off by grabbing me and shoving that horrible stick in my mouth and rubbing it all over my teeth . Then they shoved me into the plastic tomb and took me outside . It 's all bright and hot outside , and I did not want to go , but I stayed calm and quiet , looking for a way out . They 're People , afer all , not the brightest bulbs in the species pack . There 's always a way around what People want . Well . They took me to this place that smells like the little pads the Woman rubs on her arm before she shoots up takes one of her " medications , " and somewhere in the back there was a yappy little dog just screaming to be saved . The lady at the desk said it was just a dog that wanted to go home . Well , yeah . Of course he wanted to go home ! His People dropped him off in a stinky pace and left him ! How freaking mean is that ? ? ? That 's when knew it was serious . They took me into this room and took me out of the plastic tomb , and some guy with no hair came in . Dr . Stoner . Yeah , I don 't think I need to ask how he got that name . . . He started poking at me and he looked into my ears , but when he yanked on one of my legs , that 's when I let him have it . Yep , I hissed at him as hard as I could and took a swipe with my paw - - I let him know who was really in charge . The Man tried to touch me to make me feel better , so I let him have it , too . That 's when the bald guy went out of the room . I thought it was over , but no . . . he came back with a towel and freaking covered me with it and took me into another room ! I figured that was it , they were covering my face so I couldn 't see it when they shot me , but he pulled a fast one . He didn 't shoot me after all . No , the SOB stabbed me ! Right around my shoulders ! I couldn 't even look to see it coming . It was like = blink = and STAB . But that was it . He stabbed me , and when I didn 't die , he wrapped the towel around me0 First she says they 're gonna shoot me . And they 're gonna replace me . So what does she do last night ? She gives me a bite of steak ! And not the crappy part with the vein of fat so thick you have to chew for 15 hours before spitting it out ; she gave me a bite of nice , juicy tender meat , perfectly grilled , cut up into tiny kitty - mouth sized pieces . I had a major " WTF ? " moment , but decided not to think about it too much . Then later I jumped up onto her lap , figuring I need to do some major sucking up at this point to avoid being turned into kitty cacchitore . I nuzzled against her face ( good god , someone tell this Woman to brush her teeth once in a while ! ) and purred a lot ; she petted me and said what a good boy I am . Really now . If I 'm such hot shit , why is she taking me out to get shot ? Why is she getting a new kitty ? Oh , and it has to be a girl kitty she says . Franky , I 'm surprised at that , because I figured she 'd want to rip some other kitty 's gonads off , too . I wanted to turn around and bite the living crap out of her , but again , I think I have to suck up . Suck up until my tail inverts . So I didn 't bite , and this morning I didn 't whine in her ear . But don 't think I 'm not keeping a mental list of all the things I want to do to these People if I survive next week . Once I get them to forget about venting their murderous ways upon my beautiful feline body , the pooping upon pillows , barfing of hairballs , and biting at random intervals shall commence . I do need new People , I do ! ! ! I overheard the Woman telling the Younger Human that in a couple of days they 're going to take me somewhere and I 'm gonna get shot ! I shit you not , she said , " He is going to be so pissed off . That shot is going to kill him ! " The whining couldn 't have been that bad . . . And . . . and . . . and . . . I heard them talking about getting a new cat . They 're going to replace me after I get shot ! Auntie Cookie , you have to come get me before I 'm nothing but a splotch on the landscape of life ! It 's the freaking Motherload . I have hit the Motherload Of Annoying The Living Crap Out Of The Woman , and it 's so easy . Whining . She can 't stand whining . She hates it in little kids , she hated it when the dog did it , and now she hates it when I do it . And I do it with flair . I do it so well that it 's going to drive her up three walls and to the bottle . Yesterday she described it as being a cross between a moan , a trill , and a diesel horn . That latter part is probaby because I stick my face right next to her ear while she 's sleeping before I start . She freaking hates that ! And if she rolls over , I just climb over her head and do it from the other side of the bed . It doesn 't get her out of bed any earlier ( because she 's stubborn and thinks she can convince me to stop doing it if it means getting fed later . Phffft . She should stop thinking before she hurts herself ) but it is so much fun . The staying in bed isn 't going to work for her , because my whining right into her ear is working just fine for me . It ticks her off , and that amuses me . All righty . One of the easiest ways to tick the Woman off is to hog the computer when she wants to get on , so I figured , Hey ! Good time to change the blog template ! I liked the red one , but since the Woman revamped hers , I decided I wanted something new , too . So . You 're not required to like t . In fact , if you prefer the red one , I 'd like to know . I 'll probably just point and laugh at you , but I 'd like to know . Fifteen minutes . They were fifteen minutes late today . I don 't know where it is they go all freaking day long , but you 'd think they could at least try to be home in time for my dinner . You can bet they wouldn 't miss their dinner . Just look at them , you 'll agree . I was so upset that after I ate my Stink Goodness ( tuna ) I stood in the hallway and yelled at them . Specifically , at her . " Woman , " I hollered , " you 'd better get off your butt and get in the bathroom and clean out my litterbox . If you know what 's good for you , you 'll do it now . " Well , she knows what 's good for her because she got up and changed the litter . I would have had to get all bitey on her if she hadn 't . Because , you know , she deserves that after the last three days . I think I need new People . . . Oh . Just . Son of a . You , just . . . AHHHGGG ! It was bad enough that they were late with my dinner yesterday . But they did it again today ! They left during the afternoon and when dinner time rolled around there were no opposable thumbs available to get the Stinky Goodness from the container on the counter to to emptiness of my plate . If the Younger Human and his Much Better Smelling Friend hadn 't shown up when they did , I probably would have DIED right there in the comfy chair in the living room . I was already getting a little dizzy when he came home , but luckily he knows where the People keep my food container and he got it for me . But holy crap ! What is wrong with the People ? My dinner was 45 minutes late ! Oh , when they came home they were all " I 'm so sorry , " but I really think only the Man was sorry . He brought some fresh live dead fish for me to have as a snack . The Woman ? Phffft . All she did was run for the bathroom the second she got home . Like , what 's more important ? Peeing or ME ? ? ? As if I wasn 't at home , waiting and starving to death , the People were out all day and got home over an HOUR past dinner time . And then they walked in like there was nothing wrong and my tummy wasn 't eating itself from the inside out . To make things worse , they didn 't leave any of the good windows open for me to look out of . No , it doesn 't matter that my Great Scenery consists of some bushes ; I want the windows open so I can look outside and see something different . And maybe that girl kitty will come back to see me . She gets behind the bushes so she can get close to the window , and sometimes she stands on her back legs to get a better look . So I spent all day alone , cut off from seeing anything worthwhile plus I was about 2 minutes away from starving to death . If they hadn 't come home when they did , I would have been forced to eat the dry crap they leave out . And then I would have had to poop on someone 's pillow . I still might . That 'll teach ' em . Not to get all Chicken Little on you , but I swear , the sky was falling today , just a little bit . First it rained , and then all the sudden I heard this ping - ping - ping outside the window , and when I went to look , there were all these tiny round white things bouncing off the ugly box that sits outside the bedroom window . I looked up at the next building and there were hundreds of them bouncing off the roof . The Woman looked outside too and said it was Hell , but I don 't think so . It had to be coming from the other direction , so I can only conclude that yes , the sky was falling . It stopped , so I think were okay for now , but I 'm keeping an eye out . We might all have to go hide in the bathroom , where there are no windows and we 're safe from random acts of sky falling about . Yeah , that was me running down the hall like my ass was on fire this morning . And yeah , that was me hollering my freaking head off . And sure , I threw all my body weight against the bedroom door to get it open . So ? It was not my fault the Woman was still asleep . I felt the need to run down the hall while shouting . And the door was mostly closed , so I needed to thunk against it with full force to pop it open . What 's the problem ? Oh , and no matter what the Woman said in her blog yesterday , I wasn 't stuck on top of the bathroom door . I was balancing there . Is there something wrong with a kitty blancing on top of the bathroom door ? I think she was just jealous , because she 'd never fit up there . I don 't know where the heck the Man was all night long - - I just know it wasn 't here - - but when he came home this morning he fed me some really nice Stinky Goodness , and then went into his computer room and closed the door . I think whatever he did all night long made him very , very tired , and he wanted to sleep in there . Well , fine . . . but I didn 't want to be alone after having been alone all night while the Woman slept ( there was that time when the Younger Human wandered in in the middle of the night , but still . I was alone all night ) so I started talking to him through the door . I just wanted him to stay up for a little while . The Woman heard me and got up , so I was thinking " Yeah ! Someone will be awake to talk to ! " but you know what she did ? Do you ? She picked me up , took me into the bedroom , and locked me in there with her ! And she went back to bed ! I wasn 't about to let that stop me . I wanted to talk , so talk I did . I sat at the head of the bed near her pillow , and told her all about my night , how quiet it was in here and how the Younger Human wouldn 't give me any Stinky Goodness when he came home ; he just went to bed . Then I told her about the Man dragging his sorry ass in this morning , and I told her in great detail . She rolled over and tried to ignore me , but I just stepped over her and went to the other side of the bed , where I could see her face while I talked . Then I could hear that girl kitty outside the window ; the blinds were down so I coudn 't see her , but I could hear her so I was pretty sure she could hear me , too , so I started talking to her through the window . I had to speak up to be sure my voice would carry through the blinds and the glass , but I don 't think the Woman appreciated that . She rolled back over and snipped , " Dammit , Max , I 'm trying to sleep ! " Well * I * wasn 't stopping her . I was talking to the girl kitty , and she wants me . It didn 't take long for the Woman to say some not so nice words and then get up ; she opened the window for me , so I could talk to the other kitty , and went into the litterbox 0 Yesterday 's post , as translated by Gizoogle : I think there 's a new K - I - Double - Tizzy upstairs . I thought i told ya , I 'm a soldier . I can hizzle it rapping sometizzles I can 't hear it clearly enough ta understand what it 's say ' n , but I can hear it . The Woman thinks I 'm listen ' n ta tha voices in mah heezee , but it 's up there , I tiznell you ! I 'd like ta find a way up there so I can pizzle wit it , or sit on it n bite it if it 's not a funky ass kitty , but I cizzan 't figure out how ta git up there . In tha old place there were stairs that wiznent up so I could git there . Here , chillin ' in tha hood . I need explosives . . . Yo . Git down wit ' cher fuzzy k - i - double - tizzy self ! I think there 's a new kitty upstairs . I can hear it talking sometimes ; I can 't hear it clearly enough to understand what it 's saying , but I can hear it . The Woman thinks I 'm listening to the voices in my head , but it 's up there , I tell you ! I 'd like to find a way up there so I can play with it , or sit on it and bite it if it 's not a nice kitty , but I can 't figure out how to get up there . In the old place there were stairs that went up so I could get there . Here , nothing . I need explosives . . . The place where most of my images are stored expired . The Woman is working on it , but it might be a day or two until my blog is its normal spiffy self . Boy , the Woman is not happy about all this , either . . . She 's muttering things like " they could have at least sent me a ^ % $ # ! ( * renewal notice " and " ALL my crap was sotred there ! " So today 's plan is to stay the heck out of her way . . . The People are playing some blog game of tag , and evidently they want me to play . So I 'm amusing them and playing . What follows is a list of different occupations . You must select at least five of them . You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on ( after you select five of the items as it was passed to you ) . Of the five you selected , you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession . Then pass it on to three other bloggers . And the list is : If I could be a scientist . . . If I could be a farmer . . . If I could be a musician . . . If I could be a doctor . . . If I could be a painter . . . If I could be a gardener . . . If I could be a missionary . . . If I could be a chef . . . If I could be an architect . . . If I could be a linguist . . . If I could be a psychologist . . . If I could be a librarian . . . If I could be an athlete . . . If I could be a lawyer . . . If I could be an innkeeper . . . If I could be a professor . . . If I could be a writer . . . If I could be a backup dancer . . . If I could be a llama - rider . . . If I could be a bonnie pirate . . . If I could be a midget stripper . . . If I could be a proctologist . . . If I could be a TV - Chat Show host . . . If I could be an actor . . . If I could be a judge . . . If I could be a Jedi . . . If I could be a mob boss . . . If I could be a backup singer . . . If I could be a CEO . . . If I could be a movie reviewer . . . If I could be a monkey 's uncle . . . If I could be a CSI . . . If I could be a contortionist . . . If I could be a TV preacher . . . Mine : If I could be a psychologist , I 'd finally FIX all you People ! Really . You need fixing ! If I could be a contortionist ; I am one . See ? I can lick my goodies , and you can just sit there and watch , ever jealous of my flexibility . If I could be an athlete , I 'd be on TV where the whole world can enjoy and worship the sleek back and whiteness of Max , performing stuning feats for your amazement . If I could be a farmer , I would grow the World 's Finest Catnip , and we 'd all be happy as chit . And hungry . I 'd better grow crunchy treats and Cheetos while I 'm at it . If I could be a lawyNewer Posts
After cuddling for thirty minutes by the dying campfire , both Joey and I were starting to fall asleep . The night had been draining emotionally , and the closeness , the intimacy of the cuddling made me at least , if not Joey , too , feel safe and secure . Safe enough to fall asleep out in the open with all of God 's creatures , rattlesnakes included . Okay , on second thought , maybe not the rattlesnakes , mountain lions , or the bears . Even though I was barely awake , upon reflection , it didn 't seem like a good idea to stay by the fire that was quickly losing it 's ability to keep unwanted critters away . I guess there were other options than just smoothing the fire and sleeping in the cave . That 's the problem with trying to decide stuff when you are almost asleep . My hot boyfriend wasn 't just a pretty face , he was smart , too . Definitely a plus . " Great idea , babe . Let me gather some more firewood and build it back up . " I rolled off the top of my sleeping bag and stood . I looked back down at Joey on top of his and had an idea . " While I 'm rounding up the wood , would you mind zipping our bags together so we can . . . like . . . " I nodded . I 'm not sure why I couldn 't voice what I wanted , since we were almost asleep together before I woke us both . Perhaps it was what happened earlier after I tried to be really intimate with him . I didn 't really have to do a lot of looking to find dry timber for us . Once I was back at camp , I was able to have the fire roaring in no time . When I climbed into the sleeping bags , Joey turned away from me , and scooted back against my chest . I wrapped my arm around him , and we both quickly fell sound asleep . " Naw , you 're pretty cute when you 're awake , too , for a mountain boy . " he leaned in and kissed me . The kiss was soft and sweet , and I wanted it to go on forever . When I felt him pull away , I reluctantly opened my eyes to find him once again staring at me , this time with a big smile on his face . Rubbing his stomach , " Are you cooking us breakfast ? " I smiled to myself as I thought of our evening together . He certainly was a growing boy , and I knew that intimately . I couldn 't help but lick my lips as I thought of what we had done . However , that wasn 't the kind of meal Joey was asking for . Real cooking wasn 't one of my favorite things to do , never mind , making breakfast . I always seemed to burn eggs when I camped . I smiled , but I was also confused with his teasing . I mean , I knew he was teasing , but that comment and last night 's reaction didn 't seem to be on the same page . However , my love for him was growing daily , and I knew his love was worth allowing him the time to work through his past and conquer his demons . I decided to just play along with him and follow his lead . He was scared that someone had hit him so hard that not only was he blind , but also paralyzed . Then he remembered what he discovered at home after the game . The memory was enough to cause his empty stomach to lurch into his throat . His father hadn 't been the best father , but he was nonetheless , his father . As far as he was concerned , he hadn 't done anything to him , or anyone else that he knew of , that would justify his death . Tears washed his face ; sad he would never hurt , fish , or do any of the things a boy and a father did , with him again . He tried his hands again and finally realized they were tied behind his back . The realization he had been tied up wasn 't much of a comfort . That meant someone could still hurt him worst or even kill him . He had to get away , he tried moving his legs but they were also tied , the ropes dug into his ankles . He forced himself to breathe and take stock of what he knew . He was blindfolded and tied up . The circulation to his arms and legs must had been cut off while he was out and caused and they were numb , but now with his movements , the blood flowed into his extremities . It took a while until his senses strengthened and he had calmed down enough to figure out what had happened . Breathing through his nose he surmised he was underground somewhere , mainly due to the air which was stale and damp . He wiggled his fingers and could feel loose dirt . A question all of us have asked at one time or another reverberated in JT 's mind : WHY ME ? What had he ever done to anyone to be here . Or what had his father done for that matter . Suddenly , the image of his father laying in a pool of blood filled his mind again . Oh God , the realization that his father had been murdered like some wild animal struck JT like a hammer . He tried not to cry as the pain came crashing down on him . Here he was all alone in a cold , damp , dirty place , and no one knew where he was . Just as he was about to fall apart , he remembered something Joey had told him , ' When everything seems dark and hopeless , turn to God , and ask for his help . With that in mind , JT prayed like he had never prayed before . He didn 't pray for himself and the situation he was in , he prayed for his mother and everyone he knew ; and then he asked God to watch over them and protect them from harm . The younger man stood whittling a piece of wood with his knife . " He 'll be here if ' n he knows what 's good fer ' him , n ' as soon as he get 's his ass here , I 'll be head ' in back and do what needs to be done . N ' then we can get out of here . " The two stood just outside the mouth of the cave . If anyone had seen them they might have been mistaken for characters out of some bad 1950 's hillbilly movie . The older one was tall and lean , just over six tall , standing in faded - out over - alls and a scraggly beard . The other man was clean shaven , but on his large frame , his clothes were worn , filthy , and looked frayed , like hand - me - downs . After breakfast we broke camp and headed to Crawford 's Lake and on the Bad Branch Falls . By the time we arrived at the falls , I was completely worn out . Roger took one look at me and had me sit down , while Joey looked around clearly fascinated by the beauty of the landscape . " I dunno , Roger . I 'm out of breath and I feel like I could sleep for days . " I answered . I was going to say more , but I had a metallic taste in my mouth and spat on the huge rock I was sitting on trying to get the taste out of my mouth . " Damn bro , tilt your head back , look at me , and open your mouth . " Roger took control sounding just like his mother . After Roger checked out my mouth , he had me drink water from his canteen , rinse out my mouth , and spit it out . Then he had me open my mouth so he could take another look . Neither Joey nor Roger could hide the shock when I raised my tee shirt up and over my head . Roger 's expression quickly changed as he regained control , but I could see a tear escape Joey 's eye . Timidly , I looked for myself , afraid of what I was going to see . Finally , I looked down and found that I had a humongous bruise that covered my whole right side , which I had received when I prevented Joey from falling to his death . Not only that , but I seemed to have bruises in places I couldn 't remember hurting . " Oh my God , Andy , is that what you did to yourself trying to save me ? " Joey sobbed . His eyes were a bit wide , his face wet with tears , and I could see his hands started to reach out to me only to wrap themselves around his chest a moment later . His face slowly turned pale . Joey 's face turned red . I glanced at Roger who looked equally upset , so I tried to quickly explained it all away . " Really , I 'm not hurting that much . I 'm just short of breath from being out of shape and a little tender . " I nodded and sat . I felt sick to my stomach . Joey sat next to me , wrapped his arm around me . I laid my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes . " Okay , dad 's already on the way . In fact , he just started down this side of the mountain . " Roger hesitated , and I looked up to see why . " Seems , Uncle Sam felt something was wrong . Dad was just fixing to call us , but my call went through first . " " Alright , but I need a couple of minutes to catch my breath . " I slid my shirt back on . Joey pulled my head back to his shoulder and kissed the top of my head . It seems our roles were being reversed . After they gave me a ten minute break , we started back home . With Roger in the lead and Joey closely behind , watching my every step , we took our time descending the mountain . . Uncle Steve was waiting for us by the time we arrived at the meeting point . We packed everything away in the truck and quickly left . I was on my way home to news that would change by life yet again for the foreseeable future . JT woke to voices in the distance , but didn 't recognize the owner 's . He could tell that it was a couple of guys , but they weren 't talking loud enough to make out any of the words . He was concerned with what these guys planned to do to him , but after praying earlier , he didn 't feel as scared as he would have been before . He had no idea how long he had slept or how long it had been since he was taken . With the blindfold , he couldn 't tell if it was day or night . All he knew for certain , he was scared , hungry , and hurting from the blow he took to the back of his head and cramping from the way his hands and feet were tied . When JT regained consciousness the first thing he noticed was his head felt like a football that had been kicked around for four quarters . He sat and reached up with his right hand to rub a large bump on the base of base of his head . Then it dawn on him , he was free . JT took a moment to blink and look around at his surroundings . Painfully , he rolled onto his hands and knees , trying to climb back to his feet , finding small rocks digging into his skin . He leaned against the wall as a wave of dizziness hit , nearly dragging him back to the state of unconsciousness . Determined to get out , he stumbled towards the cave entrance . The bright daylight nearly blinded him . He wasn 't sure if it was hours or days he had been blindfolded in that cave , but he breathed deeply the scent of the pine trees as he stood again in the fresh air . He still had a headache and carefully felt the back of his head where he had been hit . He found a bump , but no blood and relaxed slightly . The fresh air made the dizziness fade and eventually he checked himself over for other injuries . He couldn 't find any , but as he stood there in the sunlight the evidence of his father 's murder was splattered all over his clothes . He knew he needed to find help . " Son , " Dad began . " Doctor Karthik 's office called late yesterday afternoon . You boys had already left by the time they called , and I saw no reason , at this point , in not letting you boys have some fun for the night . However , we 'll need to go in Monday morning for some more tests . The results of your last exam came in and showed some abnormalities . " " Well son , your blood work showed some possible problems . Therefore , Dr . Karthik wants more lab work to determine if there is a problem or not . So , I 'll take you by the clinic Monday morning before school , let you give them some more blood , and then I 'll take you on to school . Roger and Joey can ride the bus that morning . " Dad said , and then leaned back in his chair behind his desk . I looked around Dad 's home office and Roger nodded to me . I knew he wanted me to tell dad about my problems and Joey 's accident , mostly my problems , I was sure . But I wasn 't sure I wanted to say anything . " Dad , Roger wants me to show you this . " I carefully stood and lifted my shirt . " I 've also been a little out of breath and a little dizzy at times . " I had a bad feeling that all of this tied together some way . " Come here , son . " From his tone I knew he was in Dad mode . Gone was the clinical monotonous voice . His voice was full of concern and sadness . " Pull your shirt off for me , Andy . " I had known from the time I could know anything that my mother and father loved me unconditionally , but here now , at this moment , if there were ever a seed of doubt , it was gone forever . I wrapped my arms around his neck and lowered my head to his , as his tears continued to flow over my naked chest . I don 't know why , but I cried with him . He brought my forehead to his lips and kissed me . " Uncle Sam , his gums were bleeding a little as well , but they seemed to have stopped . From what I could tell , they only bled for about five or ten minutes . " Roger paused , and then added , " Unless he is swallowing it all now . " " I 'm sorry , son . " He said , as he slowly push me back until he could look me in the eyes . " I promise you , on my life , no matter what it takes ; I 'll do everything I can to make you well . " " Wh . . what 's wrong with me dad ? " I knew something was wrong with me , and I didn 't have a clue what it was , but from Dad 's reaction to seeing my bruised chest , it was bad . Even I knew that my fall on the rock shouldn 't have caused this much bruising and shortness of breath . Especially since I was sure I didn 't have a broken rib . All of this information left me trembling . " We don 't know for sure , Andy . That 's why you 'll have the lab work on Monday . We 'll know for sure when the doctor has the results back . Then we 'll know what course of action , if any , needs to be taken . " He was trying hard to assure me . I bathed in the warmth of Joey 's love . With their declaration of support . I truly felt that no matter what the test results would show , I had all the love and support I needed to get me through worse of times . Joey and Roger spent the night with me . I was in the middle again with both of them cuddled up to me . It seemed to have done a lot for me , both physically and mentally . When I looked at my chest , after waking up , the bruising only covered half the area it did yesterday morning . I also felt invigorated , and my mind was clear of any fear of the future . Proof that I was invigorated was my morning wood pressed up against Roger 's butt cheeks . I wanted to laugh as I remembered the last time this had happened . I was warm and content laying there even though I had my morning wood trapped between me and Roger , and I could feel Joey laying behind me with his morning wood nestled between my cheeks . Then in one horrible moment I feared if I moved I would hurt or damage my relationship with the two people that meant the most to me . If I ever lost either one , I knew it would devastate me . I turned so we faced each other , and brought my right hand to his face , caressing it . " I love you . " I said . Then I leaned in , gave him a chaste kiss , and rested my forehead against his . I was mentally drained and I could feel sleep coming for me quickly , but before it came , I heard Joey 's words , " I love you , too , Andy . " I sat up , planted a quick kiss on his sweet lips , and darted for the bathroom to relieve myself . As I raced to the bathroom , I called back over my shoulder , " Sorry , I gotta pee . " I could hear Joey laughing . Oh My God ! Sometimes the most ordinary , mundane , and a truly everyday natural event of minor significance , such as taking a piss , can bring utter bliss . And right now , I was in total bliss . My bladder must have been totally full ; because the force of the stream massaged my prostate on its way to the toilet bowl , which felt nearly orgasmic . " Well hurry up . I 'll tell Uncle Sam you are going to shower , and I 'll get you a bowl of cereal ready . Oh , by the way , Roger left earlier to shower , eat , and call Mary . " The Presbyterian Church is located on Broadway Street , directly behind the Letcher County Courthouse . It 's a three story building that sits at the bottom of a hill that slopes down fifteen feet to the ground floor . There 's a sixty foot raised walkway from the sidewalk and street in front of the church to the Fellowship Hall on the right - hand side of the church . The large Sanctuary sits on the left - hand side of the church and is directly connected to the sidewalk by a short ten foot walkway to four steps leading to the front door of the Sanctuary . There 's a long seventy - five foot walkway that slopes down the hill to the front door of the ground floor which is where the young adults and children Sunday School classrooms are located , along with the nursery and church offices . The Graham Memorial Church , among other structures that still stand today , was built during the depression , by Italians stonemasons that immigrated here . We decided not to go to church that morning , and Joey didn 't push it . Around three that afternoon , Aunt Alice drove Joey , Roger , and I to the church for the social . It was to last from three until five , giving everyone enough time to get home for evening services . When we arrived in front of the walkway to the Fellowship Hall , where the social was being held , I noticed Sarah and Mary Tillman were waiting outside on the walkway . I was happy for Roger , because Mary really seemed to like him , and I thought Roger liked her , too . I thought they would make a really cute couple , but I sensed trouble from Sarah . She had the look of a lioness stalking her prey when she looked at Joey , and THAT had my temperature rising , but not in a good way . I really hope I didn 't put on a display like that over Joey . I knew I probably did , but if I didn 't control it at school and other public places , I would out us for sure . And frankly , neither of us needed that kind of news to leak out in this small town at this point in our lives . Too many people outside our family knew already . Which meant Sarah 's obvious interest in Joey would have to be dealt with very carefully . I watched Sarah move towards Joey and introduce herself to him again . I was pissed and thought of calling her a bitch , or witch , or a dozen other things . Then with mounting anger , I watched as she leaned in and kiss MY boyfriend on the cheek . I saw red and released a strangled , " Grrr ! " and turned on my heels in the other direction . Oh well , so much for self - control . I stormed off towards the Fellowship Hall , leaving everyone else behind . As I reached the doorway , I heard Sarah ask , " What 's wrong with Andy ? " " That 's cool . I think it 's a good idea to have a place where kids our age can get together and not have to worry about booze , drugs , or being pressured for sex . " I guess that kiss Joey received was still on my mind . Just then , I felt someone step up on my other side , and it was Joey . He smiled , and I couldn 't help but smile back . He leaned in and whispered , " That kiss meant no more to me than Debbie 's did to you . " " I know . I was never mad at you , Joey . " I whispered in frustration . " It just . . . I mean . . . It made me . . . I was jealous . " I took a deep breath and then everything I have been thinking and feeling came pouring out in a rush . " She was watching you like a hawk from the moment we arrived . There could be no denying what she wanted , and it was you , Joey . I wanted to tell her to get lost , but I knew I couldn 't without outing us right on the spot . So , I walked away before I said or did something I would regret . I knew you would handle it . " I had a good time after I chose to ignore Sarah overt attempts to woo Joey . She gave up in the end and clutched onto some senior from another high school . Roger appeared to have an awesome time with Mary . They were together the whole time , laughing , dancing , giggling , and whispering . I was happy for him . If anyone deserved to be happy , it was Roger . Well , Joey did too . We walked through the double doors of the hall side by side , out onto the walkway almost to the sidewalk running parallel with the street . I stopped and walked over to the waist high railing that ran down on either side of the walkway from the doors to the sidewalk . I leaned over and rested my head on the railing . I sensed Joey walk up beside me and nudge me . I looked up at him and saw him looking off up the sidewalk . There sat a kid on the street curb . He looked two or three years younger than us . He had his head between his legs and appeared to be crying . I motioned to Joey to follow me and walked over to the kid . " Why ? You wanna beat me up , too ? " Cody tossed the questions at us like bombs . " Or fuck me ? " He asked , with disgust . " Because everyone else does ! What make you two any different ? " he stared at me directly in the eyes and I got a chance to finally get a good look at his face . He had a black eye and a busted lip . " What does it matter ? " Cody 's voice became sad and forlong . " No one will do anything about it . I might as well be dead . Maybe then people will leave me alone ! " he jumped up and ran down the hill towards the basketball court behind the church . Joey was a lot faster than me in my weakened state . He caught up to him first and wrapped him in a hug from behind before Cody reached the courts . Slowly Joey turned him around and Cody buried his head in Joey 's chest . Joey hugged him and was whispering something to him as I walked up to them . He backed - up a step , looked at Joey , and asked , " Do you mean it ? Can he ? Will he ? " Then they both looked at me . I looked at Cody and his eyes were pleading with me , too . I also noticed that for the first time since I met Cody , his eyes held a glimmer of hope . " You need to tell me everything and it has to be the truth . If you 'll do that , I 'll do what I can . Okay ? " Once we were seated , Joey started first by telling Cody how his father had beat and humiliated him time and time again . He even told him what happen with the baseball coach and being caught by his dad , in the act . By the time he finished , he had told Cody everything that had happened to him . " Then my life changed . " Joey 's own tears were falling now . " I met Andy and Roger . Right away , Andy was there for me . He made me tell him what was happening . Then , he had his father take me to the hospital to have me treated for all the things my dad had done to me . It seemed like all of a sudden , all these people were there to help me and protect me from my parents . Roger 's family gave me a home , a place where I felt safe for the first time in years . Not only did they take me in , but they actually made me a member of their family . Alice and Steve ARE my mother and father now . They are my parents and they show me real love and understanding . And Roger , wow , he is truly my brother . I 'd do anything for him . " Joey finished with the love he felt for the Banks ' showing on his face . " I haven 't been through anything like Joey has . " I began . " But I have suffered a great loss . My grandparents on my mother side were both killed in an accident when I was nine . See , what made it worse , my grandpa and I were really close , so it felt like my world was turned upside down . Then it really was when I was twelve , my mother died of cancer . It made me really depressed and I isolated myself from everyone else . I kinda wanted to die , so I know the feeling you 're talking about . But you have to believe me , life can and does get better . It just that sometimes , bad things happen so good things can . " I wrap my arm around Cody 's shoulders . " Maybe now , good things will start to happen for you . " " Thanks guys . " Cody wiped his face again and leaned against me . " Listening to your stories will make it easier for me to tell mine . " I watched as he tried to pull himself together . Cody sat up a little straighter . He looked at Joey , then me , and finally looked straight ahead and told his story . " I 'm twelve - years old . My mother died when I was born . So , I never knew her , but I think I know what you meant about your mother , Andy . It 's like a part of you is missing . For as long as I can remember , my brother and I shared a room . He 's seventeen and a senior in high school now . When I was nine and he was fourteen , I was sent to bed one night and walked in on him while he was playing with himself . " Cody dropped his head , his cheeks turned bright red . " You know , down there . " He finished embarrassed . " Anyway , he quickly covered himself up with the bed spread when he realized I was in the room . Callan asked me , that 's my brother 's name , ' How long have you been standing there ? ' I told him I didn 't know . He smirked and told me to get to bed and to stop spying on him . " " I promise you , Cody , no matter what you tell me , I won 't hate you . I may not approve , but I won 't hate you . " I assured him . " Okay , here 's goes , " he began . " I did see Callan 's dick that night and I sure wanted to get a closer look at it , but I knew he would never let me . I know it sure looked huge compared to mine and it made me wonder if everyone was bigger than me . I tried to forget about it , but the image of it was bunrt into my mind . When I was at home , I didn 't have a lot of time to think much about it , because I always had a lot of chores to do on top of my homework . See , Callan and Pa has always treated me like a slave . It was me that had to do all the house chores , dusting , cleaning , mopping , laundry , and stuff like that . I think they both blame me for my ma dying . " Cody paused . " Well , it got bad . Every chance I got I was stealing looks at my classmates while they were peeing . Last year I got caught doing it by this eighth grader . He asked me if I wanted to touch it . I was too afraid to say anything , so I nodded my head . He told me to go ahead . I reached out and wrapped my hand around it . " Then he said , ' Kiss it fag . ' I didn 't know what a fag was , since I had never heard the word before , and it sure didn 't sound like a nice word . And the way he said it scared me and I quickly let go . He became mad and said , ' Look fag , you were just playing with my pecker , that makes you a fag , and everyone knows fags like to put their mouths on peckers . Now put your fuckin mouth on my pecker and kiss it , or I 'll kick your ass . ' " Cody sat there very still for a moment . I looked over and could see that Joey was crying . Cody 's voice was barely a whisper when he spoke again . " When I got home , Callan made it very clear to me , that the boy did know who I was and that he had told Callan all about it . He slapped me hard up - side my head and told me he wasn 't going to have no fairy for a brother . Callan told me that I had better change or he would kick my ass . He then stalked off leaving me standing there ashamed of myself for what I had done , and crying because whatever love my brother had for me had just been washed down the drain . " " At least he didn 't say anything to pa that night , but I was foolish to think I had heard the last of it . The next day , I noticed my friends were looking at me funny and people in the hallways would stop talking and stare at me when I passed . Once class started , everything seemed to go back to normal , but at recess some of the bigger boys in my class gathered around me and asked if it was true . At first , I didn 't know what they were talking about and told them so . Then the biggest one , the class bully , came right out and asked , ' Are you a homo , a faggot ? ' I told him no . ' That 's not what we heard . Didn 't you play with David 's dick yesterday in the boy 's room ? ' He asked me with his chest all puffed out , like he was the king cock in the chicken yard . I decided that this wasn 't a good place for me to be , so without answering him , I turned and ran back to the classroom . As I ran , I could hear the names and the threats that I still hear every day . " " Somehow it all got back to pa and that 's when the whoppings started . Every single day now , someone is pushing me , hitting me , spitting on me , calling me names . If it ain 't my pa or brother then it 's someone from school . " Cody was sobbing now as he finished by saying , " I just can 't take anymore . This busted lip " Cody pointed to his bottom lip . " Callan did it earlier when I was trying to get a drink of water from the water fountain in the hallway . You know , the one leading off from the Fellowship Hall where the bathrooms are ? He came out of the bathroom and slammed my head into the drain . He said he had a pretty girl that was interested in him and told me not to mess up this night for him by going queer on anyone . " I had tears in my eyes now . I also felt that there was more he hadn 't told me , yet . I tightened my hug on his shoulders and asked , " Don 't get me wrong . Everything you 've told us is terrible , but is that the worst of it ? " Without a word , he turned in my arms and raised the back of his shirt . What I saw made me angry . His back wasn 't as bad as Joey 's had been , but it was clear he had been beaten with a belt , a lot . There were no open sores , but the welts were there , in numbers . I lowered his shirt and hugged him . " I swear , I 'll do everything I can to help you . " I turned him back around to face me . " I 'll need you to trust me like Joey did and to trust the adults I will ask to help us . " After we found Pastor Irvin , a lot of phone calls were made , including one to my dad . By the time I got home , it was late in the evening , and I was worn out ; but , Cody was safe now from all the crap he had to live with this past year . Pastor Irvin had called a really nice couple he knew that couldn 't have children and were looking to adopt . They were willing to take Cody in and give him the life he deserved . Cody had been up - front with them by telling them he didn 't know if he was gay or not . And in my mind , he probably didn 't know . I mean for crying out loud , he 's only twelve - years old . Thankfully , the couple said they didn 't care one way or the other if he was gay or straight . What made my night was the boy that Sarah became interested in and hanging all over all night was none other than Callan , Cody 's older brother . I smiled inwardly when Callan was lead to the police car in handcuffs with Sarah standing there wide - eyed . As it turned out , when Cody told Joey and I what had been going on in his life , he left out a lot of details concerning his pa and brother . I figured it was his story to tell , so he could tell it to whom he pleased , and how he pleased . I slept really well that night . The next morning , dad took me by the clinic for lab work and then on to school . At school , I heard one or two people talking about what happened last night , but since neither Cody or his brother went to our school , not much was really known or said about it . Joey , Roger , and I kept quiet about it . We didn 't think it was anyone 's business . We followed dad into his office and sat down on the couch with me in the middle . Dad pulled up a chair and sat directly in front of me . I knew I was about to hear some bad news . " Son , " Dad started and then paused . He cleared his throat and continued . " The results from your tests this morning are in and they confirmed the Doctor 's suspicions . " Joey took one of my hands and Roger took the other . This didn 't go unnoticed by dad , and he smiled , a little . He scooted even closer to me and placed a hand on Joey 's and Roger 's hands that were already holding mine . " Andy , there 's no way to sugarcoat this , okay ? This doesn 't have to be a terminal illness . That 's the good news , but if it 's left untreated , it could get very bad . So , we have to allow the treatments for it and follow the doctor 's recommendations . The treatments aren 't pleasant , but the success rate is very high . " TERMINAL ! ? Fuck me running . Am I dying ? I couldn 't tell if he was trying to convince me or himself . And he still hadn 't told me what IT was . " Dad , please just tell me what ' IT ' is , okay ? " I got tired of hearing ' it ' called it . I wanted to know what was wrong with me . Authors deserve your feedback . 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How do I know your name ? Because the people at animal control gave me Cocoa 's intake sheet . You know , the one you filled out . The one that said Cocoa was 12 years old and you 'd had her all those years . The one that said you were moving to a pet - free apartment and couldn 't take your faithful companion of 12 years . You know , the one that you said was a " sweet old girl - a wonderful companion . " The one that said you had limited funds . Here 's the thing , Jean . Oh , I didn 't ask if I could call you Jean but I 'm going to . Or I could call you a number of other names , none of which you 'd like very much . When I saw Cocoa 's picture on the animal control website , when I saw that grey muzzle and read the description stating that her people of 12 years , her family , had surrendered her to the pound , it broke my heart . Jean , I once had a dog that was so ornery she got in trouble for biting a kid on the butt because he 'd been tugging her ears . When the city quarantined my dog for 48 hours , I was fully prepared to leave my home , leave school , leave everything in the dead of night , everything except my dog . I was going to Thelma and Louise our asses right out of town . I wasn 't playing . Because that 's how I roll . No dog left behind , Jean . When I got Cocoa I had pink eye and a sinus infection . I was so sick but I went and got her anyway , because I was worried that dog was terrified and was going to be euthanized , alone and scared , looking everywhere for her people . I couldn 't stand the thought of it , and she wasn 't even my dog . But that didn 't last long , Jean . Just a few weeks after I got her , she came down with acute pancreatitis . That meant she needed antibiotics and special food , food that cost me $ 2 . 25 per can , and she could easily eat two cans in a day . But that wasn 't even the worst part of that office visit , Jean . You probably know what I 'm going to say next , right ? About the tumors ? And I became more and more convinced that you had abandoned your family member because you knew she was sick . You knew she had cancer , and you couldn 't afford to treat her or to help her . What upset me so much , Jean , is that you couldn 't be bothered to drive the extra 20 minutes to take her to the Humane Society , a no - kill shelter . Or to even take her to your own vet and have her humanely euthanized with you there to comfort her . So every few weeks I had to go buy expensive food for Cocoa , the family member you dumped at the pound . The dog that you abandoned . And every few weeks I would buy her " old lady pee pills . " I found that XL toddler pull - ups worked the best , once I cut a hole in the back for her tail . In the meantime , Cocoa went to the mountains . She fell over the side of a small mountain , she saw deer . She had so much fun . She would get frisky and try to play with my other dogs right after they ate . It happened every night . She was so cute . My boys loved her and accepted her , like they accept every sad story that comes home with me . They would even let her have the hammock bed every night if she wanted it . On Sunday mornings I would sometimes let all the dogs come climb into bed with me for a while . Cocoa really liked those mornings , Jean . She liked to be included . Sometimes I 'd have all three dogs and two cats up there . She loved it . This week Cocoa 's belly started swelling . I kept waiting for it to subside but it didn 't , Jean . Yesterday we went in for x - rays and found that the masses were too big , her belly too full of fluid to even see her organs . We could try diuretics to remove the fluid , but that was just a Bandaid . This wasn 't going away . And I didn 't want Cocoa 's last days to be filled with consternation over having accidents in the house again . You see , that 's the difference between us , Jean . I worried about how Cocoa felt . I could look in her eyes and see the stress when she had accidents . So we didn 't do the meds . I brought her home and figured I 'd give her a few last good weeks . I would spoil her and make her feel like the Grand Dame she was . Here 's the thing , though . Instead of dying on a cold floor in a cold building with people who may or may not give a damn how her end happened , she died in my arms . I held your dog 's head in my arms and I whispered in her ear while she slipped away . I told her what a pretty girl she was . I told her how much I loved her as I stroked that spot just above her eye . I 'd like to disabuse you of that notion . I 'm writing this letter to let you know just what a piece of shit I think you are . If you ever do read this letter , know that I , along with my many animal - loving friends all over this world , think you are the lowest of the low . You don 't take a 12 - year - old dog , a " sweet old girl - a wonderful companion " , and dump her at a high - kill shelter . You didn 't even give her a good chance . Posted on April 14 , 2013 by lunachyq Daddy issues . I gots ' em . Hi , my name is Jamie and I 'm the adult daughter of an alcoholic . That 's my label , my cross to bear . It 's also become a convenient excuse for a lot of things . Yes , it was hard growing up with a drunk for a Dad . Sure I experienced some stuff that other kids didn 't . My childhood is littered with drunks and druggies . Our family tree was fertilized with booze and pills . When I was old enough to leave home , I spent way too much time drinking and carousing , throwing myself at guys who couldn 't have cared much less for me . Meanwhile , I was the stoic daughter , the one who always picked up the pieces . I was the cleaner - upper , fixer of problems , the one who had to clean up all the messes . And I did it without a cruel word because make no mistake about it - my Dad loved me . I always knew my Dad loved me . And I knew the booze made him an asshole . But I did love my Dad . Later , that silence in the face of his alcoholism would manifest itself in ugly ways . Too much drinking , too much partying , too much shopping , too much eating , eating disorder , swallowing and stuffing down my feelings . Here 's what happens when you stuff and swallow your feelings - they will rear their ugly heads at the most opportune and inopportune moments . You might think you 've got your stuff under control but that ugly beast will wait … . So you live your life doing things that aren 't good for you , aren 't healthy . And when you look at yourself objectively , you justify and rationalize all that stuff because " I 'm the adult daughter of an alcoholic father " . I spent decades of my life thinking I wasn 't good enough because we weren 't enough to make our Dad stop drinking . I get that . I understand . That was bound to happen to anyone with dad who drank himself to death at age 53 . Some people develop excellent coping skills . Some people don 't . I fall in the don 't category through nobody 's fault but mine . But here 's the thing . I turned 45 last Sunday . My Dad died when I was 32 . It 's been almost thirteen years since my Dad died . Hasn 't the statute of limitations run out on my Daddy issues ? At what point do they stop being my " Daddy issues " and then become simply my own issues ? At some point you have to stop looking so far into your past to explain your current behaviors . I think I 'm at that point . My Dad and his alcoholism have become a convenient excuse and a crutch for my learned behaviors . Sure , some of these behaviors started way back when as a coping mechanism for dealing with him but he 's dead and gone 13 years . I feel like at this point I need to man up and take responsibility for my own stuff . I need to stop blaming him . It is no longer his fault . I 'm a grown woman . I need to take responsibility The love lessons Boo taught me I 'd been bored one Sunday morning , tooling around on Facebook . A woman I 'd met at the vet 's office when I rescued Biscuit , the run - over kitty , posted a desperate , last minute plea for a permanent home or even just a foster home for an old dog that was scheduled to be euthanized the next morning . She posted a sad pic of an old , scared dog laying in a kennel at the pound . Because I am unable to control my impetuous and impulsive nature , I offered to foster the old dog until a home could be found . Then the whole foster application process started to get too complicated , so I said I 'd give the dog a home . I 've got two dogs that look at every new dog as friend they haven 't met yet , and I 've got a big fenced - in yard . Once you have more than one , a third one doesn 't really make that much of a difference . Just a little more food , a little more chaos . I got a call from her as soon as they picked him up . Turns out he was in much worse shape than the photograph had shown . He was emaciated almost to the point of starvation . You could see every bone in his poor body . He was covered in fatty cysts and had a tumor hanging from his chin . She suspected there might be more problems than those that met the eye . Was I still ok with fostering him , knowing he might be sick ? At that moment a sudden calm and clarity came over me . Yes , I would still take him . If he was that old , rickety and sickly , his chances of finding a home were just about nil . As I got acquainted with Boo Radley , I started to notice that he had a weird way of walking , almost as if he was walking on his tippy - toes . Slowly I began to realize that he had the same problem my Sasha had years ago . Her vertebra had narrowed until they started closing in on her spine and pinching nerves , causing her to lose sensation in the back half of her body . I watched as Boo 's back end would slowly start to fall to the side as he tried to eat . I would pick him back up and brace his hips between my knees sometimes , just so he could finish his food . He had a 50 / 50 chance of remaining on his feet when he would jump from the deck . My boys would wander around the yard with him , almost as if they were checking on him . My nice , clean little house was no longer as clean . Because Boo had lost a lot of sensation in his back half , he sometimes had accidents before he could get to the back door . Sometimes my house would smell a little gamey because of his ear problems . I bought baby wipes and used them to gently clean his face and ears . You know it 's love when you put aside your distaste and use wipes to clean your dog 's tumor because sometimes it drags through his food while he eats . Boo settled into his life with us and I got used to waking up earlier so that I could clean up his messes before anyone else woke up . His needs weren 't much . He 's an old fellow , so he didn 't want to play or fetch things . I fed him as much as he 'd eat , trying to fatten him up , and I gave him a soft bed upon which to lay . No matter how much he ate , he was still just a bag of bones . That had to hurt , laying on a hard floor , so I filled my living room with dog beds so that no matter where he fell , he had a soft spot to land . He ate when he was hungry and he napped in the sunshine the rest of the day . He stumbled and wobbled around the joint like he owned it . I nicknamed him Rickety Bones , to go with Big Bones ( Atticus ) , Medium Bones ( Scout ) , Little Bones ( Daisy the cat ) and Baby Broken Bones ( Biscuit the run - over kitty I rescued ) . My boys accepted him and let him be bossy , even when he snapped at them for trying to give him kisses . The stumbling got worse . He 'd have good days and bad , but nothing we couldn 't live with . I knew he wasn 't going to get any better . We just dealt with it . No matter how much I fed Boo , his bones still stuck out . There is a hollow , just above his jawbone that still juts out from the side of his head . That hollow is the perfect spot for kissing . I have known for two days now that my time with Boo is coming quickly to an end . I 've been remarkably calm about it for a girl who has spent a large part of her life wearing her emotions on the outside of her , like one big exposed nerve that is constantly touched , bumped and bruised by all the sadness in the world . And this is the week of the month that my hormones reach Def Con 1 levels . This is normally the time of month that I 'm not allowed to go anywhere near a Petsmart . I could leave the house to run an errand and come home with two dogs . True story . How do you think I got the Bones Brothers ? It 's weird , knowing that I am holding a life in my hands right now . I know it 's time . I have no doubt that I am doing the right thing . Still , I don 't take this lightly . I want to make sure that Boo knows the love and respect that he deserves , that we all deserve . I want to make sure that he knows that he important to me , that his life matters . Sure , I 'm anthropomorphizing . It 's my house , my rules . I wanted to share Boo 's story because all too often , the older dogs get overlooked in favor of the cute little puppies . Often , people see the graying muzzle or the tumors and they don 't want to deal with those problems . They want a puppy that they can have around for many years . I get that . I really do . But I think having Boo for such a short time at the end of his life has made it much easier knowing what I 'll have to do sooner than later . I do know how Boo 's story will end . Today , more than any other day , I am showering Boo with all the love and respect he deserves , sprinkled with lots of tears . I am sad but no amount of tears will take away the knowledge that I did the right thing . I took Boo when he ran out of options . Way , way back in 1994 , my best friend , Pilar , and another friend , Mike , were sitting at a picnic table at Shadrack 's , partaking in a few frosty beverages . Midway through the night , we came up with the brilliant idea ( as one does while drinking cold beer on the beach ) to move to Pensacola . Pilar 's then boyfriend lived there , so she had motivation . Mike and I decided we would go to UWF because it was the only school in Florida that didn 't require a Master 's degree in marine biology . We could do the four year program and run off and work on Jacques Cousteau 's boat . The plan sounded like a win / win . Pensacola wasn 't a good place for me . Not that there 's anything wrong with the city . It 's just that Pensacola is home to a naval base and an officers ' flight training school . Mix in lots of fly boys and lots of bars and you can understand why Pensacola wasn 't the best place for someone like me , someone easily distracted by bright , shiny objects . And boys . I was very distracted by boys . Needless to say , Pensacola doesn 't hold the fondest memories for me . Sure , there were good times , but that was the one and only time in my life that I 've ever been homeless . I was lucky enough to sleep on the floor at Stephanie 's , a tiny little girl with naturally white blond hair to her ass , big blue eyes , perfect complexion and the ability to make a man blush with her foul mouth . Oh , and she could also rattle the rafters with her belches . I loved that girl . So last Friday , as we drove into Pensacola , I was excited because I started remembering things and places like the big red clay hills called The Bluffs . I used to go down to The Bluffs and climb all over those things . Good times . After we got to the hotel and checked into our rooms , we all headed down to the beach to see Pearl Jam . I had seen them way back in ' 92 or ' 93 . They played here a few years back but I was broke and didn 't get to see them . It was magical . They say you can 't catch lightning in a bottle but last Friday night I did just that . It was magical , it was powerful , it was fun , but most of all it was love . Yesterday I was scheduled to work audits in St . Pete . I don 't normally work in St . Pete . I was filling in for someone else who 'd taken vacation . It was a high bill audit and sometimes those can be really annoying , because the customer is just lying or unwilling to sacrifice any creature comforts to lower their power bills . High bill audits are hated by all of us . When I got to the home , an old 4 - unit apartment building , I met the owner , Tom , and his on - site maintenance man , Jose . They were both very nice , and the landlord seemed very concerned with his tenant 's bills and seemed willing to do anything he could to help lower them , including paying for any necessary repairs . That was a nice change from the usual landlord / tenant disputes I witness . Jose was waiting downstairs and he unlocked the small crawl space door , maybe three feet wide by 3 feet high . He climbed down into this small room , perhaps 50 square feet . As I tucked myself through the door and climbed down three tiny steps , I suddenly smelled a strong gas smell . This is the part where I have to tell you that I am absolutely terrified of gas . When I inherited my house it came with one heating system for the house - an old wall heater with propane gas . The pilot light was always going out . I was so terrified of gas that every time I tried to turn the heat on , I would light a long stick of incense until it was flaming on the end and I would hide behind a bookshelf and wave the incense in the general direction of the pilot light and hope for the best . I made a joke about being scared and I told the homeowner I wasn 't staying . I scrambled out of there first , banging my clipboard against the walls and bursting out of the room almost comically . Jose assured me the mattress had only bumped the valve and that he 'd closed it and everything should be fine . I told him I didn 't care , I wasn 't staying down there . The homeowner and I went back inside to retrieve my digital thermometer I 'd left inside . As soon as I walked into the house I smelled the gas . The air conditioner was running and pulling all that gas from that room and blowing it right into the house . I told the owner I wasn 't staying in the house , that we needed to get out quickly . I ran over to grab my thermometer and ran outside . At the time I was a little embarrassed by my actions . I don 't like to seem like a sissy in any way , shape or form , but I wasn 't messing around with gas . As the owner fumbled with a bag full of keys to lock the front door , I walked down the side of the house and saw Jose talking to a friend who 'd just walked up . I could see the friend walking towards Jose and that basement . I could see he was carrying a lit cigarette . I thought the man put his cigarette out . I picked up my phone to make a call for the homeowner and walked over to my car , which was parked 20 feet away from that basement . Just as the second man walked back over to the basement to talk to Jose I heard and felt the explosion . And then I heard Jose 's screams . I looked right at him and it took a minute to register that he was still on fire . And that those strips hanging from his arms , those white strips , that wasn 't his t - shirt . His t - shirt was black . I hung up and called 911 , yelling to Jose to drop and roll . Sometimes I wonder whether or not all the safety training you hear throughout your life will come to you in a time of crisis . Thankfully , it did . I screamed to Jose to drop and roll , drop and roll , you 're on fire , you have to roll . A man from across the street came running over and helped get Jose on the ground . Once we got them across the street , the man who 'd run across the street to help , Jerry , got Jose to the ground and held his hand . He 'd heard the explosion and grabbed a bucket of water . He was so good to Jose , yelling to Jose to stay with him . That 's when all the looky - loos showed up . One man walked right over to the basement door to look inside as smoke poured out the basement door . The mattress had caught fire leaning against the gas pipe . And I felt guilty for not realizing nobody was helping him , nobody was comforting him . It doesn 't matter whether or not his cigarette caused the explosion . The fact is , he was badly burned , too , and nobody ran over to help him . I spent another hour talking to the fire department investigator . The owner had been in the front . I was the only one who 'd seen it , who could tell them just what happened . But that isn 't enough to stop my brain . You see , I have what I call a looping brain . It 's like the old reel - to - reel film . When something happens , I can 't find the " off " switch . Years ago , I damn near stuck my hand into a nest of pygmy rattlesnakes . I was so traumatized I had to take sleeping pills every night for weeks , because every time I closed my eyes all I saw was my hand six inches away from 4 or 5 snakes . The only way I stopped it was to finally force myself to keep my eyes closed and carry through with the images to the worst case scenario . I had to lie there in bed and imagine me sticking my hand into those snakes , then those snakes all biting me . I had to focus on all of their stupid little snake teeth biting into my flesh . Then I had to visualize me getting away from them , calling the hospital , riding in the ambulance . I even visualized me being treated in the ER . Most importantly , I visualized me coming home from the hospital , perfectly fine . I keep thinking " what if I 'd been in that room and I 'd banged my metal clipboard against something and caused a spark ? What if he 'd had a lighter in his pocket and his jeans had pushed that lighter wheel just the slightest and it caused a spark in his pocket ? What if I had been down there inside that tiny room when the gas exploded ? What if that had been me stumbling around with my skin hanging off my limbs , my hair melted and fused to my skull , still on fire ? " I was in that basement just a few short moments before it blew . Yes , I got out quickly but why did I even step off that bottom stair to turn around and go back out ? I should never even have stepped off that stair . I should have made an ass of myself and twisted my body around and gotten out of there , no matter how ungainly I looked with my overweight body trying to squeeze through that tiny door . Yes , I am grateful that it wasn 't me . Yes , I know luck was on my side yesterday . Yes , I know it wasn 't me . I found SARK at a time when I needed her most . My Dad had just died and I was about 900 songs deep into downloading on Napster . While my friends were out partying on Friday nights I would stay home in my pajamas and steal music . Then one day as I shopped for Christmas gifts , I came across a book that had bright colors and big , blocky handwriting . Now , I am a girl who is very easily distracted by bright and shiny objects . Some of you may know this about me . I picked up the book and opened it to a page that really resonated with me . It was the first time I 'd ever seen one . I didn 't know what a chat room was , much less a message board . It took weeks of watching and reading before I decided to dip my toe in the water . Since then , I have had bonfires on the beach in California . I 've walked through the parking garage of our hotel and stumbled onto a crime scene , all while wearing rainbow toe socks with pink glitter flip flops . I 've flown to Oregon to see the Foos and watch naked people stumble around the Country Fair in Eugene . I 've sat in a garden on top of a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Encinitas , the place I now consider my " happy place . " I 've flown to England and dove headfirst into the Atlantic at St . Ives until my nose felt like it would shatter from the cold . I 've run wild down the side of Milton Keynes in London to see the Foos sing Stacked Actor . I 've climbed around in tidal pools behind a restaurant in Laguna Beach that has the most amazing rose garden . I 've had Canadians come to visit me and skinny dip in my Gulf . I 've had people come to visit me from as far away as England and Australia . My Dad was a Clearwater Cop for years . His nickname was Big Red and he took that nickname very seriously . He even had a western belt custom made , with the words Big Red burned into the back of it . I remember he had a Coors Light belt buckle he wore , one he bought while visiting Aunt Genna and Uncle Gary in Colorado . He was very proud of that belt buckle because it had a bottle opener on the inside . My dad had a fondness for all things alcohol related . Actually , he had a fondness for alcohol , which carried over into alcohol memorabilia . He loved beer signs , beer hats , the collectable tin boxes that housed bottles of liquor . He was like a frat boy with his booze memorabilia . My father and I had a complicated relationship before Facebook made that a popular relationship status . I was his oldest daughter and I was the one living nearby , so it fell upon me to always pick up his pieces . Girlfriend needed to go ? I was the one who drove to his house and moved every one of her belongings into the front yard while my Dad lay passed out in bed . One one of his many trips to the ER he forgot where he 'd had to pull my car over so the ambulance could pick him up , so I had to drive the streets I knew he traveled to work to try to find my own car . And then there was the physical cleaning . My dad was a hoarder and an alcoholic . I 'm sure you 've seen those Hoarders shows by now . Hoarding and addiction go hand - in - hand . I was always trying to clean up his house and his life . I remember every time we would leave his house , he would fill up grocery bags with canned food and dry goods . He had no money to give us because it spent it all on alcohol and food . Because he was born to a poor family that had just come through the depression , he swore he would never go without food and he became a food hoarder . When he died , it took me years to finish eating all the canned goods in this house . Because there was always so much food , he made sure to send plenty of it home with us . If I was broke , I knew I could go shopping in Dad 's kitchen . My Dad wasn 't big on communicating . Oh , he 'd talk about anything under the sun , just not about his feelings . Sadly , I got this trait from him and will run away like my tail is on fire if someone wants me to talk about my feeeeeeeelings ( and yes , that 's how I hear it in my mind ) . But shortly before he died I remember having a long talk with him . It was early in the morning and I 'd walked over to the convenience store to buy a gallon of milk . The sun was just barely up but there was a heavy sea fog and you couldn 't see more than 20 feet ahead of you . On my way back , I 'd heard a red - headed woodpecker tapping away in a tree right next to the sidewalk . I slowed down and looked for the bird . Through the fog , I finally found the redheaded woodpecker . I watched as he tap - tap - tapped away . I 'd move a little closer and he 'd stop , look down , watch me for a moment and then resume tapping . This went on for ten minutes . Eventually I was so close I could see all the details on his little face . I couldn 't believe this little redheaded woodpecker let me get that close to him . Eventually I grew tired of holding a gallon of milk , so I said goodbye to the little bird and walked home . I 'm not sure how it happened , but that morning the conversation turned to his life and what a mess it was . I can 't remember the exact conversation but I do remember that it was an emotional conversation . I remember telling him I loved him . We were a family that never , ever said goodbye without saying " I love you " but we weren 't spontaneous " I love you " kind of people . But that morning I remember telling him I loved him . My Dad died shortly after that conversation . His death wasn 't unexpected and yet it still caught me by surprise . I remember going to the hospital that morning . I don 't remember why we went - he was already gone . Perhaps we had to sign papers or pick up his things . As soon as we got home I kicked into " fix it " mode . I cleaned and I carted trash to the streets . My dad had three sheds filled floor to ceiling with junk he 'd bought and found through the years . I went through everything . It 's what I do . I try to fix things . There was no time for crying because there was stuff that needed fixing . I sat down near his grave and I cried . For the first time I really cried . Not the kind of crying you see in the movies when someone visits a grave . Oh no , this was ugly crying . This was heaving , sobbing , snot - faced eyes - swollen - shut crying . I was sad . I was sad that my dad was dead , I was sad that I 'd ever gotten so mad at him that I 'd wished him dead . I was sad that this was the story of our lives and this was how our story ended . Now I 'm not big into woo , but that day I talked to my Dad and I begged him for a sign . I begged him to show me something that would let me know he was ok . I think I just needed to know he was finally free from whatever turmoil in his brain that led him to drink himself to death at the ripe old age of 53 . As I sat there crying , I heard the sound of a woodpecker . I looked over and saw a redheaded woodpecker in a tree right next to me . I 'd been sitting there for 45 minutes and hadn 't noticed that bird . Suddenly a bird flew just over my head and landed in another tree nearby and started tapping away . And then another one . I 'll take that woo . Those woodpeckers that day brought me the first peace I 'd felt since he died . Those woodpeckers helped me stop crying and get up off the ground . Those woodpeckers in that cemetary made me laugh out loud . Through the years , those little redheaded woodpeckers continue to bring a feeling of peace to my heart . I remember having a particularly rough morning when I was still married but had no business still being married . I was ironing my clothes and crying . Suddenly I heard this loud hammering noise . I stopped ironing and looked outside . There sat a redheaded woodpecker on the eave of my house . He wasn 't tapping away in a tree , he was perched on the edge of my house just outside the door a few feet away from me and he was hammering away on the vinyl fascia . That little redheaded woodpecker was hammering on my house and he got my attention . The years have softened all the hurts . It 's been 12 years and now it 's easier to remember the good and forget the bad . I guess that 's just how life goes . I 'm glad I heard the woodpecker this morning . I miss my Dad and I love my Dad . And I just want him to be ok . That 's all I ever wanted for him .
Her once vibrant eyes looked in the mirror , barely recognizing herself . Her left eye was swollen and red , a purple bruise just beginning to show . She ran a damp towel over the caked blood near her temple and rinsed it , watching the water in the basin swirl with red . She looked closely at the gaping slit on her cheek and wondered if it would need stitches . She had no money for the surgeon ; she would have to stitch it herself . Maybe Agatha from next door would help her , but then the entire regiment would know about it . It was best to take care of it herself . She dampened her cracked lips with fresh water and drank slowly , letting the cool liquid soothe her nerves . She hadn 't screamed this time . No , she 'd learned long ago that screaming helped nothing and only left her throat sore afterward . Ringing out the cloth , she dumped the dirty water out the window and refilled the basin . She rolled up her ragged sleeve to assess the damage . The dress was old and tired , and now it had fresh tears . It was likely beyond repair and she didn 't know where she would get the money to buy fabric to make a new one . Perhaps she could cut the sleeves and rework it and soak the stains in salt to get the blood out . That had worked before . Then perhaps no one would notice . She lowered her forearms into the bowl , wincing as the water hit her open skin . She carefully plucked out any pieces of remaining glass and cleansed the wounds left by the jagged bottle edges . Changing the water out once again , she washed her face and hands and changed into a clean dress . It had been part of her trousseau . Fingering the lace at the bodice she remembered how she had loved the pale pink concoction and how proud she had been ; a new bride in a new dress with a handsome officer on her arm . What a stupid girl she had been ! How silly and naïve ! Now , married nine long years , she knew better . Her raw , chapped fingers worked the buttons quickly and smoothed the worn fabric over her middle . It was terribly out of style , but at least she was clean now . She tied a large kitchen apron over her dress and went to her sewing box . She found a pale yellow thread , the closest approximation she could find to her own skin color , and threaded it through the smallest needle in her basket . She went to the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of brandy , pouring a small amount into a tiny bowl . She thought about drinking some herself , but there would be hell to pay if her husband came home and the bottle had less than he remembered being in it . She drew the threaded needle through the brandy to sterilize it and dabbed some over her cut , hissing at the sting it made in her open wound . Taking a deep breath , she sat in front of the mirror and held her face as still as possible . She slowly lifted the needle and gingerly stabbed it though her own skin . She fought the urge to wince and pull away , knowing that if she sewed it crooked she would have a ridiculous looking scar and an even bigger one if she did not sew it at all . Her last shred of vanity was all that stood between her and fainting dead away on her dressing table . There was no paper to be had in the small apartment . She finally settled on the back of a receipt from the local tailor . Only half the front side was written on , it would do admirably for her purpose . She mended a pen and took out her last bottle of ink , praying there would be enough in the bottom to complete her letter . She planned what she would say in advance , knowing there would be no room for mistakes and no paper and ink to try again . She curtseyed , careful to keep the left side of her face in shadow . " I am well , sir . I hear you are going home for a visit soon ? " He looked at the address on the letter and nodded . " Yes , it is but a few miles . I 'd be happy to deliver your letter , madam . " She let herself back into her lodgings and went to the kitchen to begin preparing the evening meal . George became cross if there was nothing ready when he came home , at least on the days he actually came home . Once the sandwiches were prepared and the soup simmering , she went and sat on the couch listlessly . Her letter dispatched , there was nothing to do now but wait . Dear Lizzy , I hope this letter finds you and your family well . Thank you for the recent funds - as you can see , George purchased a new suit and seems very happy with it . He has been very attentive of late and I find myself quite worn out with his daily presence . I wish Mama and Papa were still alive - I long to visit Longbourn and see all my family again . I fear I dearly need a break from the dreadful weather here . Who would have thought spring in Newcastle would be so frightfully wet and muddy ? My spirits have been quite low because of it . This led me to thinking about all the games you would play with us in the parlor on rainy days and I find myself longing for my resourceful , spirited sister again . You are the only one who always knew what to do in any situation . Father used to say you could talk your way out of a sunburn . I 'm sure you would not let horrid weather get you down , but would find some way out of the melancholy . I 'm afraid I have never had your imagination and feel quite trapped inside my little apartment . I hope your reply comes quickly , I don 't know how long I can endure this season without some relief . " Please tell the stables I will be taking the coach to Newcastle first thing in the morning . Send Mrs . Reynolds to me and please ask Mrs . Bingley to come here as soon as possible . Thank you . " Lydia rose off the couch slowly , wondering who was at the door . George wasn 't due home for several hours yet and she didn 't want Agatha to see her like this and spread gossip . Quietly , she tiptoed to the front window and looked out into the street . There , she saw a large carriage with the Darcy crest emblazoned on the side . " Oh , it wasn 't too bad . The weather was fine and the roads were clear . We checked into the inn before we arrived here . We will be at the Lion 's Head , " Jane told her . Elizabeth remained silent , looking at the dark bruise on Lydia 's eye and the stitches in her cheek . So it was as bad as she thought . She shuddered to think about what was concealed under Lydia 's gown . " Not till this evening . By then he 'll have heard that you 're here . My neighbor keeps constant watch out her window and will have spread the word half way through town by now . " " Now Lydia , you must tell me everything so I know best how to help you . Let us speak quickly before Wickham returns . How long has this been going on ? " Elizabeth pointed to the stitches on Lydia 's cheek . " Well , in the beginning , everything was fine . At least it seemed to be . George got settled into his new commission and we took lodgings nearby . For a few months everything was idyllic , but then George began staying out late nearly every night with the other officers and coming home completely drunk . About a year after we wed , I realized I was with child . I told George , and he didn 't seem very pleased about it . I thought he just didn 't want me to lose my figure . " She gave a rueful laugh . " One night , he was exceedingly drunk and fell on the stairs on his way up . He called out for me to come and help him . I got him to the top and said something about him limiting his drink . He got angry with me and said I had no right to tell him how to behave or what to drink . " She hesitated . " Then he shoved me . I tumbled all the way down the stairs and in the morning I knew I had miscarried my baby . " " He had never been violent with me before that , so I believed him when he said it was an accident . He seemed so sorry and felt so badly about the baby . I believed him . " She paused and breathed slowly for a while , collecting herself and organizing her thoughts . " After that it started getting worse . It came on so slowly , it 's only looking back on it that I realize what was really happening . He would get drunk and come home and if something wasn 't as he wanted it , he would get angry and hit me . He would always be sorry in the morning and say it wasn 't him , it was the drink . And he would be angry about the strangest things . One day it was that I had not worn the nightgown he wanted me to wear . He asked how was I to entice him if I insisted on wearing these frumpy old gowns . A few weeks later , it was that the fire had died down and he was cold . I should have ensured that it was kept ablaze all night for him . " She breathed raggedly and shook her head . " After a while , he stopped apologizing altogether and his foul moods lasted long past the nights . He would be sweet and jovial one minute , then cruel and demanding the next . I never quite knew what to expect with him . He was spending all our money on drink . That was when I wrote to you asking for funds . We moved lodgings for the second time and had bills to settle . Of course there was no money for it . George suggested I write to the two of you , especially you , Lizzy . He was so angry at Mr . Darcy . He would always say that Darcy had everything and he had nothing . He also suggested I apply to Jane for money . He said Mr . Bingley was so affable , you would never refuse me . I am sorry , sisters . " " It 's alright Lydia . It 's all in the past now . Go on with your story , " said Jane gently . She and Elizabeth exchanged equally disturbed looks . " A few years later , I was again with child . I decided not to tell George about it . I was afraid of him by that point . He was checking all my correspondence and knew every letter that came or went . When you offered to send the carriage for me , Lizzy , to attend little Richard 's christening , he took the money from the parcel and put the letter in his bureau . I never saw it until the christening was long past . I would have liked to have been there , but George would have never let me go . " " He had dismissed our cook the year before to free up the money for himself . Then he let the maid go , saying I had nothing else to do all day , it would be quite easy for me to keep up with the cooking and the cleaning . At least I still had a laundress coming twice a month . I was working hard and was very ill with my confinement ; I could hardly keep anything down . I began to lose weight and became very weak . George came home one day and found me in bed . He cursed and shouted and finally realized I had a mild fever when the neighbor came over with a compress and tonic for me . He refused to call the doctor or even the apothecary . He said we lacked the funds and that I was young and strong , I would come through it all right . " She looked into her sisters ' eyes , an odd look on her face . " You know , I think he hoped I would die . Then he would be free to do as he pleased once again . But he did not get his wish . Of course the child did not survive the illness . At the time I was sad ; I dearly wanted a child of my own . We had been married more than five years by then and some of the older wives would look at me with such pity , like they felt so sorry for me in my barren state . Others were quite smug about it . If they only knew the truth . " She laughed bitterly . " I took steps to prevent further pregnancies . I was afraid my body couldn 't take it and frightened of what George would do to me . Alas , last year I became with child again . I didn 't tell George until I was in my fifth month . He only looked at me when he was drunk , so he might not have noticed for a while yet , anyhow . " " I carried the baby for seven months . One night George came home well in his cups and soaking wet from the storm outside . It was high summer and there was no fire lit in the grate for him to dry by . He began screaming for me to come and light the fire . I told him we had no wood - what little we had had to be saved for the stove for cooking . " He didn 't like my answer and struck me , hard , across my face . I fell and hit my head on the mantle . I do not remember what happened after that . I was unconscious for some time , and when I awoke and tried to rise , I began to retch . I lost all the contents of my stomach and then some . That made my labor pains begin . It was too early for the babe to come , but we couldn 't stop the pains . The midwife came and delivered her . She was so small and white , with the pinkest little lips . But she was early and much too small . She struggled to breathe and fought through the night , but when the morning came , she was gone . " Lydia 's voice cracked at the end , fading away into a whisper . Jane embraced her tightly , rubbing her back in a circular motion . " Oh , my sweet Lydia . " She rocked her quietly for a few minutes , making a shushing sound and stroking her hair like a small child . " After that , I found I didn 't care much what happened anymore . I began hoping he would just kill me and get it over with . I had tried to send a letter to Papa when he was still alive , but George found it before I sent it and burned it . He kept all the money so I could never leave on my own ; he even kept the household money , not that there was much . When a letter came for me , he would read it first , then he read it aloud to me . He would laugh at your questions after my happiness , Lizzy , and he would take perverse pleasure in laughing at how my whole family believed me to be attending balls every week and shopping every day . He would stand over me and dictate my responses . There was never any money to send for help , and the man who posted letters at the inn was told not to send any letter I might give him . Apparently he played cards with George or something . I learned that when I tried to post a letter to kitty . He simply handed it back to me and said I should send it with my husband later . Though he needn 't have bothered . When my supply of ink and paper ran out , George refused to buy more . " A few months ago , I realized I wasn 't going to die and would spend the rest of my life next to this horrid man . That 's when I began to plan . There was an officer newly come who hailed from Derbyshire . I attended a tea where he was present and befriended him . I made sure to be kind to him each time I saw him in town , knowing he had to go home sometime . I heard last week that he was to head to Derbyshire soon , and that 's when I wrote you the letter , Lizzy . You were always so clever , I knew you must have suspected something was going on . We haven 't seen anyone in nine years . I wasn 't even allowed to attend mama 's funeral . " " It 's all right , Lizzy . You tried to warn me about Wickham . I wouldn 't listen . And now I am paying for my folly , " Lydia replied . " Truly , I do not know . If he did come after me , it would not be because he wants his wife back . But he would miss the money I receive from my family . That might be enough for him to chase me down . Especially if I was with Lizzy . Sometimes I think he would do anything to spite Mr . Darcy . I 'm sorry , Lizzy , but it 's true . " " What if you were to stay with me ? Charles would be happy to have you , and the children would love to meet their aunt , " Jane suggested . " We are close to Pemberley , you would be able to see both of us regularly . Even Kitty is not too far , only forty miles away . What say you ? " " It sounds lovely , Jane , but I fear I would spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder , waiting for him to come and get me . Legally , I belong to him now . And since he has never beat me with a stick wider than his thumb , there is nothing I can do to quell his behavior . I am completely at his mercy , " Lydia said bitterly . " You are right , Lydia . You are completely in Wickham 's power . He would never divorce you , if only to spite my husband , and even that could take years and would likely cost more than he has . You are still young , only four and twenty . You might yet remarry and have children of your own . " " I don 't see why not . Now , Jane , Wickham will never believe that I bought him a bottle of brandy , so you must say it 's from you . Can you handle that ? " " I have brought you a bottle of wine and Jane has brought a bottle of brandy for Wickham . This evening when he comes home , tell him that we are here and staying at the inn . We have invited you to dine with us there . " Lydia nodded and Elizabeth continued . " We 'll eat and talk normally at first , then after the meal , Jane will give Wickham the bottle of brandy . We must insist that he drink some then . Say you want him to taste it or something , all right Jane ? " " Now , these herbs are very strong . I 've crushed up several times the normal dose . The apothecary told me that too much could kill a man and to be especially careful with it . " " Shortly after I moved to Pemberley I became ill . I had a terrible headache and wanted to make myself an herbal remedy that I used to take at Longbourn . Apparently , there is a plant that looks very similar to the one I was looking for , but it only grows in northern climates . I made the tea and became quite ill . Poor Fitzwilliam was beside himself . The apothecary came and told me that I had gotten the wrong plant by mistake . It caused nausea , sleepiness , and memory loss . A little more would cause you to become unconscious . A lot more would kill you . I was much more careful after that , but I never forgot the herb . " " Exactly . Once he opens the bottle of brandy , he 'll have a drink or two without the herb . I will crush it and make a sort of tea out of it and mix it with the brandy when his attention is elsewhere . By that point , he should be well in his cups and not even realize what he is drinking . " " That 's where we have to work together . Lydia , you know him best . Once you think he has had enough not to notice what he 's drinking , discreetly give me a signal . I will take the bottle to the other side of the room and add the tea . We must all be careful not to partake of any of it ourselves and to keep Wickham drinking as much as possible . The dose should be very strong , but I am not an apothecary and I do not know the exact amount required . " " Well , not entirely . The apothecary did tell me all those years ago that I had drunk about half of what I would need to become unconscious and that twice that amount would have likely taken my life . I 've taken into account that Wickham is a man and much larger than me , and adjusted the does accordingly . I can only hope it 's enough . " " He may lose consciousness from the drink before the herbs even take effect . I imagine the doctor will think he drunk himself to death . It is common enough , and I doubt anyone will make a particular fuss . He has no family besides Lydia and you will not demand an investigation will you , Lydia ? " " I think if we keep him with us long enough , we can have him drinking well into the night . I will tell the staff at the inn that we will leave at first light . Lydia , you must send around notes to all your acquaintances telling them you will be leaving first thing tomorrow for an extended stay with your sisters who stopped by unexpectedly to see you . Jane and I can help you pack now . When Wickham looks like he is about to fall asleep , we will simply leave him on the sofa in the sitting room . If it 's late enough , we can go ahead and have our breakfast and be on our way . If not , Lydia you may stay with us at the inn until dawn and we will all leave from there . I will simply tell the innkeeper on the way out that my brother - in - law unfortunately fell asleep in the sitting room and that as soon as he awakens , he will be on his way . A few extra coins should make up for their trouble . By then , he will be dead and we will be on our way home . " " This is our sister , Jane . I would do the same for you and I know you would do it for me as well . It is distasteful , but needs must . Now , shall we get packing ? " The three women held each other in a tight embrace , then began gathering Lydia 's few possessions in preparation for the journey on the morrow . Jane provided paper and ink and Lydia sent out notes to all her neighbors , friends , and every officer 's wife she 'd had the occasion to meet . She wrote a letter to her landlord , including the upcoming rent , saying she wished for everything to be in order financially before her trip , since she did not know when she would be back . She did the same with the laundress , the baker , grocer , and butcher . Jane happily provided the funds she needed so that Lydia might leave with what little dignity she had remaining . Finally , Lydia 's trunk was packed and loaded onto the carriage . Elizabeth and Jane departed for the inn , and Lydia prepared herself for the evening to come . She dressed carefully , putting on her best dress and paying special attention to her hair . She tidied her rooms and gave one last look around the place that had been her home for the last three years . She felt nothing but relief to be leaving . Wickham greeted Jane and Elizabeth with all the false charm they remembered of him , but without his youthful good looks it did not have the desired effect . Elizabeth felt herself cringing when she thought about how she had once defended this degenerate to her husband . As if the two could even be compared ! She sighed to herself and set about her task . " Mrs . Darcy , how lovely to see you again . Time has been kind to you , I see . Lydia tells me you have three children now ? " Finally , the meal was at an end and there was a lull before the dessert was brought in . Lydia kept a close eye on Wickham , who had finished a little over half a bottle of wine so far . She nodded to Jane who fetched the brandy and presented it to Wickham . Not needing to be told twice , Wickham opened the bottle and poured himself a generous portion . Shortly after , the maid re - entered with dessert . While he was distracted with the pudding , Jane refilled his now empty glass and passed the bottle off to Elizabeth . Elizabeth quickly walked to the corner near a small table , keeping the brandy hidden in her full skirts . She picked up the small vase that she had previously filled with the deadly herbal tea blend and placed the brandy bottle on the table . Just before she poured the tea into it , a hand reached out to stay her . " It is , but I should be the one to do it . You 've done enough , sister . This is my battle . Let me fight it . " Her eyes never left Elizabeth 's as she took the vase from her hand . Elizabeth stood behind her and made sure Wickham couldn 't see Lydia 's hands if he were to look their way . She needn 't have bothered . His eyes were glued to the neckline of Jane 's gown . When he began to look up , she leaned forward just enough to keep his attention , much to Elizabeth 's surprise . Who knew Jane had it in her ? Lydia turned back around and nodded to Elizabeth . She made her way back to the table and surreptitiously picked up Wickham 's glass . She filled it to the rim with the poisoned brandy and sat down next to her sister . For the next hour , all three women conspired to keep his glass full . Lydia stood behind him and rubbed his shoulders , endeavoring to keep him relaxed and his mind on the female company . Jane and Elizabeth giggled and flirted , occasionally rolling their eyes when his attention was diverted , which was not often . Although the activity itself was not enjoyable , every swallow he took of the tainted liquid encouraged the sisters to continue in their ruse . Every joke he made was laughed at ; every opinion deferred to . Jane leaned forward and bared her ample cleavage , flashing her perfect smile at every opportunity . Elizabeth had lowered the shoulder on her gown and batted her eyelashes liberally , giving her effervescent personality free rein . Several hours later , the bottle of brandy was empty and Wickham was passed out on the sofa in the sitting room . Elizabeth and Jane wasted no time in packing the remainder of their belongings and instructing the footman to load them onto the carriage . The sisters sat together in the bedroom for another hour , drinking tea and waiting for the sun to rise so they could leave without suspicion . Once they were dressed in traveling clothes and had settled the bill with the innkeeper , they headed outside to the carriage . Before walking out , Lydia approached the landlord . " I 'm sorry , sir , but my husband drank rather heavily last night and decided to sleep on the sofa in the sitting room . I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience this must be for you , but would you mind waking him in an hour or two and sending him home ? We tried to wake him before we left , but he could not be roused . " Lydia hurried back into the inn and swiftly made her way upstairs and into the suite where Wickham lay prone on the small sofa . She looked at his once - handsome countenance and with a deep breath , she reached out and slapped his face with all her strength . Tears pricking her eyes and hands trembling , she leaned over and kissed his cold forehead . She quickly ran downstairs and got into the carriage without a word . When they reached the outskirts of town , she said quietly , " It worked . He 's dead . " " And perhaps you can explain this . " He held up a letter . " I received a letter this morning from Newcastle . An innkeeper there remembered the crest on one of our carriages and a maid overheard the word Pemberley and decided to try their luck with us . Apparently , George Wickham was found dead in a sitting room in their inn , having drunk himself to death . Wickham 's fellow officers informed him that Mrs . Wickham had just left for an extended visit to her sister 's . The innkeeper took it upon himself to inform us . He writes that Wickham was due to be buried in the churchyard Wednesday morning and that they had found enough money in his pockets to cover the cost of the funeral . Singular , is it not ? " " There , there , dearest . Shhh , don 't cry . Everything 's all right now , " he soothed , his hands rubbing her back steadily as he rested his cheek on her hair . " Come , tell me everything . " Share this : TwitterFacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . One thought on " He Had It Coming Part I " Carol June 8 , 2017 at 10 : 21 pm Brandy infused with poison . Couldn 't happen to a more deserving louse . May he rest in HELL . Too bad it took Lydia years to figure that out .
Suki59 's Fanfiction Beyond Dead Boys This is Eric 's version of my story , Dead Boys . AH , AU , OOC . Rated : M - Drama / Romance - Chapters : 1 - Words : 8 , 584 - Published : 12 - 2 - 09 A / N : Please read Dead Boys before starting this story . Thanks to my lovely beta , Thyra10 , whose stories are wonderful . I must confess that I fiddled with this one after she declared it done , and didn 't have the heart to make her read it again , so any remaining mistakes are mine and not hers . This story contains a human version of what happened to Sookie in the trunk in Charlaine Harris 's books . This in no way romanticizes rape , but takes a different look at the original scenario and ( hopefully ) has a more rewarding outcome . If you find reading about rape disturbing , please go no further . I had found myself fairly bored with my life until the day Sookie Stackhouse walked into my bar . I had no idea really that there was anything wrong with my life . Being bored felt normal to me . But when I saw her walk in with Bill Compton in her flowered cotton dress , wide - eyed and gorgeous , she caught my attention . Little did I know then that she 'd also capture my heart and bring it to life in a way I hadn 't imagined . I wondered how an asshole like Compton could have such a breath of fresh air on his arm , and then in the next instant wondered if she might be like him and like all the other music people I 'd tried to extricate from my life . Maybe the perfect face and hair and body in the sweet dress were just a cover for yet another vacuous groupie - type . I cynically thought that maybe she looked like that as some kind of sexual role - playing for Compton . I 'm the innocent virgin and you 're the big bad rock star - ravage me . Already I was back to bored and scanned the bar for something or someone more interesting to watch . I noted that things at the bar were running smoothly , people were dancing , nothing seemed to need my attention . Compton and his fake virgin found a table and ordered drinks . I checked my usual selection of women out . They all seemed to sort of hover around my booth . Fortunately tonight none of them had actually sat down to bother me . They all looked the same in their tight black clothes , cleavage and garter belts showing , leaving nothing to the imagination . Boring . So I went back to the virgin and she was checking me out like they all do . Her eyes went from my chest down to what was hidden from her view by the table . Then they came back up to meet mine and she looked away and blushed . She actually blushed . I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd seen a woman do that and it touched me . Could it be that the reason she looked so sweet and innocent was because she actually was ? My interest was definitely piqued and so I walked over to her table . Compton introduced us and she shook my hand , saying something about the bar and how great it looked and then she welcomed me home . In that sweet southern accent - not the twangy kind , but the softer one - the one that made me want to move back to the south after seeing the rest of the country . She really did seem to be the real deal . She was obviously too old and too beautiful to be an actual virgin , but in that white dress with the red flowers sitting there among the leather and lace crowd , she looked like a candle in a coal mine . She was fucking perfect . I sat at my booth all night watching Sookie dance with Bill , trying to deflect the usual attention from the usual women . I wanted to dance with her myself and wondered how I could politely get her away from Compton when I saw her head to the restroom and took my chance . I waited until she was on her way back to their table . She glanced over at my now empty booth and looked around the room . I hoped that she was looking for me when she ran into me and I asked her to dance before she had a chance to think about it . One of the advantages of being the tallest guy in the room as well as the owner of the place is that it 's fairly easy to catch the eye of the DJ and let him know that you want a slow song played next . I wanted an excuse to touch her . She felt soft and warm and womanly in my arms . I studied her face and every feature was perfect . Her lips were positively kissable . I moved a little closer , but not too close . I didn 't want her to know how hard I was - that would just be rude . She surprised me by pulling my head closer and I took that as a green light to kiss a secret spot behind her ear . She smelled like sunshine and flowers and innocence . It was probably wrong , but I stole a tiny taste with my tongue and yes , she was heavenly . The song ended and a faster one had started , but we stayed in our embrace . I could have stayed there all night but we were interrupted by an irritated Compton . I thanked Sookie for the dance and watched as Compton led her away , clearly pissed at me . That 's fine . It wasn 't the first time I 'd pissed him off . And I had a feeling he 'd be pissed at me some more if things went as I was hoping they would . I wanted to see more of Sookie Stackhouse . As much as I really hated spending time with the former members of Dead Boys and their entourage , I knew that that 's just what I 'd have to do if I wanted to learn more about Sookie . I had put her name on our permanent guest list that first night she came into the bar , but waiting and hoping she 'd just show up wasn 't my style . She really didn 't seem the type to hang out at bars anyway . Of course , she didn 't seem the type to hang out with Dead Boys either , but she clearly was seeing Compton , so what did I know . I bit the bullet and drove over to Andre and Sophie - Anne 's house one night when the bar was slow . They seemed surprised to see me but were really pretty cordial and invited me in to what I knew to be a constant party . I nursed my beer and fortunately most of the people there knew better than to offer me anything stronger . I decided that Sophie - Anne would probably be my best bet for getting information . I casually asked her where Compton was living these days and she said Bon Temps . I knew where it was but had never been before . That was all I needed and so I quickly changed the subject , hoping I wasn 't as obvious as I feared I was . Sophie - Anne seemed fairly buzzed , so maybe she hadn 't noticed that I was just fishing for information on Sookie . I killed another hour or so to make it look good and went back to the bar . One of the drawbacks of reconnecting with Dead Boys and their sort was that some of them started coming into the bar . It 's not that I minded taking their money , but a couple of times we had to cut some of them off because they were so fucked up and things got a little testy . We handled drunks fairly frequently though , so it was really not that big a deal . And totally worth it to get information on Sookie . I considered calling Merlotte 's and asking for Sookie , but that felt like cheating . I wanted her to give me her phone number , not get an unsolicited call at the bar where she worked . After what seemed like an eternity of never having to do anything to get a woman , I missed the old - fashioned courtship where you asked for a girl 's number and she said yes , and then you actually earned the right to enjoy her company by calling and asking her out . Since I 'd entered the music business it seemed like everything had gotten so skewed in my life . Everything came too fast and too easy and it ruined the whole getting of things . The money was ridiculous . The women were desperate . The people were fucked up . I thought that leaving Dead Boys would end that and at first I did feel a little better about myself , but soon enough those fucked up people were all replaced by other musicians and other women who were equally fucked up . The parts of the job that made it fun were overshadowed by the parts that ruined it for me . I hated the drugs and the yes - people who all wanted to kiss my ass for a job or a back - stage pass or a chance to suck my dick . I wonder now if I ever met a single person in that time who liked me for myself or who even wanted to bother to know me at all . My sister , Pam , was the only person that I really trusted to be honest with me and tell me when I was acting like a prick , and believe me , she was happy to do just that . When she graduated from high school , she left our aunt 's house in Shreveport and went to Tulane . That was the first money I spent that felt like it meant something . I set up an account for her and finally felt good about what I had accomplished . Then later I decided that I could use the money to really change my own life . Nobody had a gun to my head making me perform on stage every night . I had a choice , and so I finally made a decision to find something more meaningful and I quit the business . I moved back to Shreveport and bought Fantasia and became a different guy - one that I could respect a little more . I was definitely happier if not a little bored . But meeting Sookie made me feel a lot less bored and I wanted more of that feeling . So , one night I drove down to Merlotte 's , intending to see Sookie and ask her out on a real date . I hadn 't counted on the bar closing so early , but I guess in those little towns things wound down a little earlier than in Shreveport . I was headed back to the interstate but missed my turn on the dark and unfamiliar road . I kept driving , looking for a place where I could turn around , but I was really out in the sticks and the road seemed to go on forever . I noticed a car pulled over and could see a woman in the driver 's seat so I pulled up behind her to see if I could help out . This was certainly no place to break down . There wasn 't a building or even another car in sight . As I approached the car , I realized that the woman in the car was Sookie and I was both surprised and happy about that . What are the odds ? She declined my offer to check under the hood . She had already called for a tow , but I wasn 't about to leave her out there alone and I made a comment that it wouldn 't be safe for a woman to be out there by herself . She looked around nervously and I realized that maybe she was a little uncomfortable being out in the middle of nowhere with me . She didn 't know me , after all . The last time she saw me , I was licking her neck and trying to resist humping her leg . The last thing I wanted to do was scare her , so I offered to wait in my car until the tow truck arrived . I was checking my email on my phone when she appeared beside the car and I let her in . She relaxed and we had a nice talk . She gave me her phone number and I told her that I had come down to see her . She seemed surprised about that and I wondered how many guys drooled over her on a dance floor and then followed her around . Maybe a lot , actually . Surely she realized that I was interested . But maybe she really was that naïve . Logically , it was unlikely that such a girl would be hanging out with Dead Boys , and so I asked her if she went to Andre 's a lot . I was relieved that she had never been there . She didn 't strike me as the druggie - groupie type and I hoped that my assessment was right . If it was , then she really just might be too good to be true . I gave her a ride to her very charming old house . I was curious about with whom she lived , but thought it might be too nosy to ask at that point . As long as it wasn 't with Compton , I was happy . I walked her to the door and gave her a kiss on the cheek before heading back to Shreveport , my wheels already turning as to what my next move should be . I had her number . I knew where she worked and lived . Should I ask her out ? She probably had a lot of guys asking her out , including Compton . I wanted to impress her . I thought to myself : what does she need , and could I be someone who gave her what she needs ? The answer was simple . Her immediate need was to get her car fixed or get rides to and from work until it could be fixed . My initial thought was to pay for the repair . Then I considered just buying her a new car , but she would most likely object to both of those . But I could certainly offer to give her rides to wherever she needed to go . I went to bed that night with a plan and new resolve to impress Sookie Stackhouse . I woke fairly early , excited that I had something to look forward to . I waited until I thought it was a reasonable hour to call a person who worked in a bar and punched in her number . She hadn 't spoken to the mechanic yet and said she 'd let me know if she needed a ride later . I paced the floor , tried to watch TV , had something to eat . I couldn 't stand it any longer and so I called her again . Her car wouldn 't be ready until the next day , but motherfucking Compton would give her a ride to and from work . Shit . I tried to shake it off . Maybe they were more serious than I thought . Fuck . Maybe he did live with her . I really had no idea . I went through my normal routine for the rest of the day and was sitting at my booth that night trying to forget about the perfect girl , but it wasn 't working . I was really dying to find out how seriously Sookie and Compton were involved , but felt like I would come across as a stupid asshole if I asked her for details . I hadn 't been rejected by a female in many years and the prospect was fairly daunting . I decided to take a more cowardly approach and left for Andre 's house . If she were drunk or high enough , Sophie - Anne would spill the story . All I had to do was ask . The party at Andre 's was going strong when I arrived . Andre was already passed out on the sofa with the pipe he 'd been smoking still in his hand . Unfortunately , Sophie - Anne was not quite as drunk as I 'd hoped yet , so I reconsidered grilling her about Sookie and Compton . As if on cue , Compton stumbled into the room and plopped down on the floor beside the sofa . He didn 't say much and I watched him carefully . He was clearly too fucked up to drive . I took Sophie - Anne into the kitchen and she agreed to take his keys away . I innocently offered to pick Sookie up at work and Sophie - Anne thought I was such a sweetheart for thinking of it . I watched her fish his keys out of his pocket while he sat with his eyes closed , leaning against the sofa . He didn 't even notice , and I left with a new mission . I drove Sookie home again and asked when her car would be ready . I decided to ask her to lunch . It was kind of a chicken shit way to ask her out , but it had a decent chance of getting a yes . Even if she and Compton were serious , a lunch date might still be okay . Then we could pick up her car . Not only did she say yes , but she offered to pack the food and make it a picnic . Damn , this girl was just too fucking perfect . I considered her offer to feed me a positive sign , but I didn 't want to push my luck , so I opted for another platonic kiss on the cheek before saying goodnight . It looked like it would rain ( and yahoo weather certainly had predicted it , but I chose to ignore that ) . I knew we could always eat in a restaurant , but I really loved the idea of the picnic and didn 't want to cancel . I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd been on a fucking picnic . Rock stars don 't get invited to picnics . The women I knew offered me cocaine and blow jobs . They never fried me chicken . I was in heaven . It was the first time we had really had a chance to get to know each other a little and the longer we sat on that blanket and talked , the more I liked Sookie Stackhouse , and not just because of her chicken . Or her perfect body . She was bright and funny and … well … just great company . Unfortunately , it did start to rain and so we had to run for the car . When I closed the door and looked over at her , she looked so incredibly beautiful , her hair wet and messy , swallowed up in my jacket . She was laughing and the loud rain on the roof of the car made it seem all that much cozier inside . Suddenly I didn 't give a shit whether she and Compton were serious , engaged , married with ten kids . I had to kiss her , and so I did . I wondered if that was okay with her and I asked with a look rather than a question . Her answer was the hottest , most passionate , tongue - sucking kiss I 'd ever had . Virgin , my ass . She was hot . It had been awhile since I 'd had any sort of sex . Hell , at that moment , I couldn 't remember whether I 'd ever had any sex at all . Or whether there were actually any other females on the planet . All I knew was that the most perfect women was attached to my face in the most glorious way . I wanted to fuck her blind . But then I remembered that I actually cared about this woman and so I stopped myself and slowed way down . I changed my inner channel from caveman mode to courting gentleman and took what I thought should be the next step . I asked her out on a date . Halloween is always a wild night at a bar . We were ready for it though and things were going just fine . I had to give up my booth for the paying customers , but that 's okay . I was glad we were so packed . Everything was going just as expected until I saw Sookie standing there . I went up to speak to her as she turned and ran into me again . I was so surprised and happy to see her until I realized that she looked like she 'd been crying . I asked what was wrong , and she did start crying . I got her to my office and held her until she calmed down . Then she sat and told me how she 'd seen Compton snorting coke off some coke - whore 's tits ( my words , not hers ) over at Andre 's . It was then that I realized that she really wasn 't involved in that whole world ( as I had hoped was the case ) . But I felt a little guilty that I hadn 't talked to her about it . I hated that she had been surprised and hurt like that and I wanted to smash Compton 's face in . Even though I felt bad for her , a part of me was hopeful that she wouldn 't want to see Compton any more and would give me a chance . One of my bouncers interrupted us with the news that we had Dead Boy trouble again . I left Sookie to go take care of it . The cops arrived quickly and Sigebert and Wybert and their equally rowdy girlfriends settled down and agreed to leave . They were in no condition to drive , however , and so the cops were discussing their transportation options with them when I decided to check around the rest of the parking lot . On nights like that one , it wasn 't uncommon to find people puking or passed out , and I thought I 'd do a quick check while the police were still there in case they were needed . I walked around the building to the back door , but didn 't see any trouble . I decided to make a quick sweep of the parking lot , and that 's when I hard the screams . I ran towards the sound , panicked that some woman was being attacked and by the time I 'd located the van , I heard her say , " It 's me , Sookie , " several times between screams . I opened the back doors and found her curled up on the floor sobbing . Compton looked up at me like what the fuck , and I reached in and grabbed the motherfucker and just started punching . It wasn 't until my hands were cuffed behind me that I even realized that the same cops I had just so rationally chatted with out front now had me in custody for beating the crap out of someone . I looked over at Sookie and she was talking to a woman cop in the van , looking back at me . All I wanted in the world was to get to her and make sure she was okay . And so when I felt the cuffs being removed , that 's what I did . She crawled into my lap and I sat just inside the van holding her to me , trying to comfort her . I had no idea what had happened to her , but clearly it was something awful . But when the woman officer asked her what happened , nothing could have prepared me for the answer that came out her mouth . She had been raped . Holy fuck . In the parking lot of my bar . I thought I might be sick . Sookie calmly and quietly told the officer what had happened and I was grateful that she couldn 't see my face . I blinked away hot tears and hoped that she didn 't notice the change in my breathing . My feelings vacillated between wanting to kill Compton and wanted to make it all better for Sookie , but I knew that I could do neither . She refused medical treatment against the officer 's advice . She just wanted to go home . So I caught the eye of a couple of my security guys to let them know I was leaving , and when the cops had finished their questions , I took Sookie home . Sookie tearfully explained what had happened to her to her roommate , Amelia , when she got home . She assured her that she was okay though and finally convinced Amelia to go to bed . I offered to stay with her and sleep on her sofa , but she insisted that she was fine . I wondered if she might prefer to be alone , and so I agreed to leave . We stood at the door holding each other for a long time . She cried a little more and I kissed the top of her head and made her promise to call me if she needed anything . The following day , I drove down to get Sookie to bring her to Shreveport to get her car . She let me take her to lunch and go for a walk before she drove herself home . She was quiet , but amazingly in a fairly good mood . I probably did a crappy job of pretending that I was fine . We talked a little bit about what had happened , but mostly she wanted to talk about other things which was fine . I saw her or spoke to her every day for the next few weeks . If she had the lunch shift or a night off , she came up to Shreveport . Some nights , I needed to be at the bar and she just hung out with me . When I could , I took her to dinner or we watched movies at my house . On the nights she worked , I spent most of the day at her house and always had her call me to make sure she got home safely at the end of her shift . I took her to a doctor 's appointment once but didn 't ask any questions . She came to Shreveport once a week to see someone at the Women 's Crisis Center and let me take her to lunch afterwards . The prosecutor in Shreveport let her know that Compton was going into a rehab facility in lieu of doing time in jail . We talked about that some , and she seemed satisfied with it . I kept my opinion to myself because it didn 't matter . As long as Sookie felt okay about it , that was all that mattered . I had done a lot of reading online about rape victims , but honestly , had no idea how to proceed with our relationship . I knew that I wanted to . The more time I spent with Sookie , the more I was falling in love with her . But all my kisses were planted on her cheek and I only touched her to occasionally hold her hand or give her a platonic hug . I had no idea how much time or space she needed , and so I just waited . One night we were in my kitchen putting away leftovers after Sookie had fixed us dinner . I was rearranging things in the refrigerator and stepped back to go and get more containers of food when I stepped on Sookie 's foot . I didn 't realize that she was coming up behind me with dishes in both hands . As my heel landed on her instep , my elbow jabbed into what could only be her breast . She let out an " ow , " and I immediately said , " Oh , I 'm sorry . " I turned around and instinctively touched my palm to where my elbow had gone , and seeing my hand cupping her breast , I said another , " Oh , I 'm sorry , " removing my hand . I looked up to her face and she started laughing and so I did too . " Are you okay ? " " Yes , I 'm fine . Really . Here , take these . " I put the dishes of food she was holding into the fridge and closed the door , turning back to Sookie . " You know , it 's okay to touch me . " " I know . " She took my hand and placed it back onto her breast and looked into my eyes . " But you can touch me , Eric . " I watched my hand on her breast , her own hand covering mine . I could feel the lace of her bra underneath her t - shirt and let my thumb stroke her for a second . " I want you to . " I looked back to her face and she looked sad . " Unless you don 't want … " I didn 't give her a chance to finish her sentence . Both of my arms went around her as I pulled her to me and kissed her . I guess this was the invitation I had been waiting for , and I let her feel all the want and need that I 'd been holding back for the past weeks . She responded by threading her hands into my hair and pulling me closer . Our tongues found each other and she made a high - pitched little squeak that made my dick even harder . How could she have ever thought that I hadn 't wanted her ? She was all I ever wanted , and I tried to show her just that with my lips and tongue and hands . The kiss was long and passionate . When I pulled away , I buried my face into her neck , kissing her there as well . I could hear her heavy breathing in my ear and felt her lips brush just beneath it . Then I stepped back a bit , looking at her to make certain she was okay with the kiss . She had a huge smile on her face , and her fingers touched my lips as her eyes dropped to watch them . I just smiled back as she spoke . " I guess we should finish cleaning up the kitchen . " I nodded , grinning like an idiot . The next day was Thanksgiving , and we were both looking forward to having the day off and being able to spend it together . Amelia 's father was in town and so he drove both Amelia and Sookie up to Shreveport . All three entered my Aunt Thalia 's carrying pies and I was pleased to see Thalia and Pam welcome them all as if they were family . We had a great day together , and as it came to an end , Copley and Amelia stood to say goodnight . Sookie took my hand and told them that I 'd take her home later and then she gave me a tentative glance to see if that was okay , and I jumped in with an " of course " that made her relax and smile . We said our goodnights and left with bags of tupperware filled with leftovers . My refrigerator had never been so full , and it gave me a great feeling seeing the result of Sookie 's cooking in there as well as food from our Thanksgiving dinner . I had a flash of thought at how nice it would be to have Sookie at my house all the time , but I knew that it was too soon to think about that . I found Sookie sitting on the sofa with that same tentative look on her face that I 'd seen at my aunt 's . I wasn 't sure what she wanted . " Are you tired ? Want to watch a movie ? Should I take you home ? " " Like this . " And she stood and pulled me into a kiss . I happily complied , taking her firmly into my arms and devouring her beautiful mouth . She kissed down my neck whispering , " And like this . " I felt her hands unbuttoning my shirt and opening it . Her kisses trailed lower as her hands and lips explored my chest . " And like this . " She looked back up into my eyes , her own hooded with lust . " And then you 're supposed to ask if I 'd like to stay . " " Yes . " And our mouths hungrily found each other again . Without breaking the kiss , I picked her up and started carrying her upstairs . Halfway up she giggled and said , " Like Scarlet and Rhett . " " Except with a happier ending , I hope . " I set her down gently on my bed and lay down beside her . We smiled broadly and began the kissing again . Lying down I knew it would be harder to conceal my erection , and just as I had that thought , Sookie draped her leg over my hip and pressed herself against me , moaning into my mouth . I had never spontaneously come in my pants before , but I wondered if this might be a first . She felt so amazing and was so eager to get closer to me . I reached down to her delectable ass and pulled her to me , massaging her hip and thigh . We lay like that together for a long time , kissing and exploring and gently rocking our bodies together . I could have stayed just like that all night long , but Sookie stopped and pulled back at one point . She rolled onto her back and sighed heavily at the ceiling . Then she turned back to me and took my hand in hers . I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her fingers , smiling into her beautiful blue eyes . " Of course , honey . You are the most beautiful , desirable woman I 've ever known . But I want us to take our time . I want you to be certain that this is what you want . I want you in my life , not just in my bed . " " Oh , I think they 'll be just fine . " We both relaxed and laughed a little . " Let me get you something to sleep in and find you a toothbrush , okay ? " I locked the house up and we got ready for bed , climbing in together like it was the most natural thing in the world . Sookie snuggled up to me and put her head on my chest . We held each other and kissed and talked until almost dawn . The last thing I remember was listening to her humming and feeling her fingers stroking my chest . When I woke up , the house smelled like coffee and biscuits baking and I had the biggest smile on my face . I couldn 't imagine being much happier than I was at that moment . So I went downstairs and told her just that . My reward was a soft kiss and a smile and a whispered , " Me too . " The next time Sookie came up to Shreveport she brought some clothes and I made room for her things in my dresser and the bathroom cabinet . She started staying over a few nights a week , and we settled into a routine with a pace that she seemed comfortable with , which was just fine with me . I was starting to feel like I was in this for the long haul and felt no need to rush things for Sookie , especially considering what she had been through . There was a lot of kissing and a lot of passion , but everybody kept their clothes on . Sookie 's car broke down again , and Tray had it for almost a full week . Getting Sookie to and from work in Bon Temps and still being able to spend time at Fantasia was becoming a challenge . She had also started volunteering at the Crisis Center a couple of mornings a week in Shreveport . I called the shop one morning to find out how much longer it would be before the car was ready and when I hung up , Sookie was standing in the kitchen with an odd look on her face . " What is it ? " I wanted to buy Sookie a new car , but she wouldn 't hear of it . I seriously considered just doing it anyway and calling it her Christmas present , but apparently I was so transparent that she knew what I was thinking and told me that she wouldn 't accept it . She did however accept the watch that I bought her for Christmas and I continued to argue for the new car idea . I told her that it was just practical for her to have a safe and reliable car especially since we lived so far apart . And what was the point of having money if you couldn 't spend it on the people that you love ? That shut her up , and I wasn 't sure if it was because she was mad about the car argument or shocked that I used the l - word . She quickly changed the subject and I wondered if I 'd made a mistake . We had Christmas dinner at my aunt 's house . Pam was home for the holidays , so it was the four of us . Sookie was kind of quiet and I hoped I hadn 't upset her with the car thing and the love thing . I never knew if I was taking things at the right pace with her , and she was too important to me for me to be fucking it up . When we got home , Sookie went up to bed while I closed up the house and then took a shower . I put on my sleep pants and went into the bedroom . The lights were out , and I wondered whether Sookie might already be asleep . She had seemed to be in such a strange mood all evening , and I wasn 't certain if I should even touch her , but as I climbed into bed , she turned over to face me and I could see that her shoulders were bare . " Do you love me , Eric ? " Well , that wasn 't what I expected . I reached for her and found nothing whatsoever between her skin and my hands and thought that I had died and gone to heaven . I did show her that I loved her . I put everything I had into pleasing her . We stayed up all night exploring and loving each other . I hoped that it was everything she had hoped for . She certainly seemed happy . But I hadn 't expected how different it felt for me . I had been with many women before , although I hadn 't had sex since before I met Sookie . But I discovered that being with a woman that I actually loved was so completely different than just having sex . It was so much better . I already loved sharing my life with Sookie . Finally sharing our bodies felt like putting the final brilliant brush stroke on a beautiful painting . The end of January marked three months since Sookie 's rape and so she scheduled her second HIV test . I 'd had my own battery of tests at my annual physical in January so that we 'd be on the same page at the same time . Sookie had been on the pill for years to help with menstrual cramps , but we had used condoms as a further precaution until we got our respective test results back . We celebrated that night with dinner at our favorite restaurant and a ceremonial tossing out of the remaining condoms in my nightstand drawer . Then we happily made love , gratefully aware that there was nothing between us anymore both literally and figuratively . " We have tables at Fantasia . You 're always helping out there anyway when we get busy . I 'll put you on the payroll . You 'll have benefits . You could work as little or as much as you want . " She had a troubled look on her face , which I hated to see . " I just want you to be happy , Sookie . If you really love it at Merlotte 's , then stay there . It 's fine . I just miss you on the nights you 're not here . I see a future for us together , but I don 't want to pressure you to move too fast , sweetie . Just give it some thought , okay ? " For the next few weeks , I could tell that something was bothering Sookie . I started to worry that she was having second thoughts about us . I wondered if I had pushed too hard asking her to move in . Maybe it forced her to realize that she didn 't see a future for the two of us , and I wondered whether I 'd be able to bear her breaking up with me . She seemed so sad a lot of the time , and as much as I dreaded hearing her tell me she wanted out , I just couldn 't stand waiting for it . So , finally , one night I sat her down on the sofa and asked her what was wrong . She looked away and the tears started . I braced myself for the pain . " Well , yeah . But not just my job . With what I do for a living . I can 't see my being happy just doing that for the rest of my life . " I let out a deep breath . " What did you think I was upset about ? " " Oh god no , Eric . You 're the one thing in my life that I don 't ever want to change . Come here . " She pulled me to her and then she climbed into my lap and snuggled into my chest . " I love you , sweetie . I 'm happy with you . I 'm just not so happy with me . " " That 's the thing . Work has always just been about making money to survive . I never really thought about liking what I do . I didn 't get to go to college . We didn 't have the money . I have no idea really what I 'd like . " " Would you like to go to college ? " She looked up at my face and I could see the wheels turning . " Honey , we have plenty of money . You can go to school if you want . " " Well , I want you to think about what kind of life you want , Sookie . You 're not bound by a waitress job or any job , for that matter . I want you to love your life . Find what makes you happy . The sky 's the limit . I want us to be together , but I also want you to feel fulfilled by your life . " As if on cue , Sookie 's car broke down again the next day . That night when I came to bed I handed Sookie a stack of papers . It included my bank statements , investment account statements , my last income tax return , the purchasing contracts for my house as well as Fantasia , a statement from my mortgage lender . She read through everything and then when she was through she turned to me and just said , " Wow . " " Those are my assets and the mortgage is my only debt . As you can see , I made a lot of money in the music business and I 've made a lot more with my investments since then . I 'm not one of those people who feels funny about discussing money . It 'll most likely be yours as well someday anyway since I do hope to eventually be something more significant than just your boyfriend . So , now can I buy you a new car ? " I felt a lot better about Sookie driving between Bon Temps and Shreveport in her new car . The only person who would feel sad about it was Tray , who apparently had started dating Amelia . Sookie and I talked a bit more about living together and she was warming up to the idea of going to school . For Sookie 's birthday we went to the shelter and picked out a cat named Bob . For my birthday , Sookie and Bob moved in . It was the best birthday I 'd ever had . She finally gave her up job at Merlotte 's and I put her on the payroll at Fantasia . She asked to be scheduled two or three nights a week , and then she just helped out as needed on the other nights . I kept telling her that she didn 't have to work , but she seemed to really feel better about making her own money , so I didn 't argue with her . I was just so grateful that she had finally agreed to live in Shreveport . Sookie stuck her big toe in the college water by taking a history class during the summer session . She seemed to really enjoy it and I encouraged her to enroll full - time in the fall . She was still a little unsure though , so I didn 't push it . We were both busy , but very happy . Sookie came home from the Crisis Center one afternoon and said she needed to talk to me about something . I sat and held her hand as she told me that Compton had called her and wanted to see her . He assured her that he only wanted an opportunity to apologize , but I didn 't trust him . I kept that to myself . We both sat for a minute in silence as we let the idea sink in and then we both started to speak at the same time . Bill knocked on my office door right on time . I let him in , offered him a chair and sat beside Sookie , taking her hand in mine . I never said a word , but listened to what seemed like a sincere apology followed by Sookie 's very generous forgiveness . She was so much kinder than I could ever be , but then it wasn 't up to me to forgive Bill Compton . After he left , I held her and told her she was the bravest person I 'd ever known . By the time the fall semester started , Sookie and I had settled into a very happy routine . She was only enrolled part - time and still working at the bar some nights , but she seemed to be open to the idea of taking more classes and working fewer hours in the spring semester . We also started talking about places we 'd like to travel to to see together . We certainly had the money , but not really the free time . My sister had graduated from college and was doing a bit of traveling herself and told me that in the late fall , she wanted to move back to Shreveport and was interested in helping out with the bar . She wasn 't sure what she wanted to do with her business degree , but until she figured it out , I was certainly open to the idea of her helping me . I completely trusted her and knew that having Pam there would be the perfect solution to Sookie 's and my finding some more time for just the two of us . Amelia called me one day when Sookie was in class and told me that she and Sookie had found a diamond ring that Sookie loved . That certainly got my attention because I wasn 't sure what I was going to do about proposing to Sookie . We had discussed marriage in length and knew that it was what we both wanted , but I wanted to present her with a ring and ask more formally as well . Amelia knew that we were discussing marriage , of course , being Sookie 's friend . When Sookie saw a ring at an antique shop in Bon Temps that she loved , she told Amelia that if she could have her druthers that that 's the ring she 'd like , not some new one . But of course , she objected to the price and said that she 'd never tell me that she wanted a ring that was so expensive . Fortunately , Amelia knew me well enough to know that the price wouldn 't slow me down one little bit , and so she met me at the antique store and I bought a very beautiful ring . The next morning when Bob climbed into bed with us and started purring and kneading into Sookie 's hair , Sookie reached up to pet him and felt the ribbon around his neck . She sat up , still sleepy and blinking at me with a wide smile when she saw the ring hanging from the ribbon . I asked . She answered . The love - making was particularly sweet . And so here I am , almost a year after the night that Sookie walked into my bar looking like that candle in a coal mine . Little did I know then that she would become the light in my life . I 've tasted success and seen more of the world than most people do , but it wasn 't until I came back home and found Sookie that I learned what happiness is . She has shown me the life that I want , and now I look forward to spending the rest of my life making sure that she has everything she could ever want as well .
I 've been in a funk . I haven 't been sleeping much , and when I do , it 's not restful because I toss and turn . I 've only been eating when Steve reminds me tells me to . I 've been dealing with pretty much daily tension headaches with some migraines thrown in for variety . I haven 't felt motivated to do anything . Rather than fight it , I 've gave in to it and very little has been getting done . I had a doctor 's appointment yesterday morning and she said I had anxiety that was bordering on depression . With everything going on in my life lately , she said it was a wonder I wasn 't worse than I am . She prescribed some medicines that will hopefully get me back to normal soon . But in the meantime , I 'm struggling . Yesterday was a busy day for us . In the midst of things yesterday Steve asked if I had did my chores for the day and I told him I hadn 't . To be honest , the thought of my chores never crossed my mind . He said something to the effect that my spanking that had been postponed from Wednesday was going to be worse now . A little while later he said that all ( DD ) was beginning to feel like work . He probably didn 't realize how it would make me feel when he said it , but it hurt me . He hates his job . He literally has to force himself to get up every morning to go to work , but he does it because we have bills to pay and the job market is pretty much dead here so he can 't go anywhere else . So for him to equate our relationship to his job crushed me . Due to where we were , we weren 't really able to talk it out so I was left to carry out the rest of our day with that thought rattling in my head . Much later , once we arrived home and got our daughter to bed , it was still on my mind . The more I thought about it , the more upset I got and I ended up breaking down in tears . He had to ask a few times , but I finally told him why I was upset . He didn 't really understand so he was trying to tell me his point of view . Basically what he said was that DD had been working really well and he was happy with all the changes , but lately it didn 't seem to be working so he felt like he had to keep working harder at it to get the same results . And since I bruise easy , he didn 't want to keep spanking harder to get me to focus . Then he pretty much left it at that and went back to what he was doing . I sat there for a few minutes and then got up to go lay down in the bedroom . About an hour later , he followed . I was still awake . He started picking at me , his solution for when I 'm not myself , but I wasn 't having it . I just pulled away . When he asked if I was ready for my spanking , I told him no and made no move to undress or get in position . I was in full scale withdraw mode . Even though he made it a rule a while back that withdrawing and sulking or refusing to talk to him wasn 't allowed , I did it anyway . And he let me . When one of the pills the doctor prescribed knocked me out , I fell asleep unspanked and an emotional mess . I 'm still that way this morning . When the alarm went off , I was up and gone in less than 5 minutes . I 've avoided him all morning . When he left for work , we hadn 't spoken or touched . He did tell me he loved me as he went out the door , but that was the extent of our connection this morning . I 'm hurt and a little angry . I 'm hurt that he would think of our relationship in terms of a job when I know he hates his job . I don 't want to be a job . I want him to do this because he loves me and wants things to be right in our relationship , our family and our home . While what he said last night kinda makes sense , I 'm pissed off because I feel like he 's giving up because things aren 't easy . DD isn 't easy . It wasn 't easy for me to work up the nerve to talk to him about bringing it into our marriage . It isn 't easy for me to ask him to help me stay on track . It 's not easy to give up control . It 's not easy to sit back and let him make a decision when I disagree with him . It 's not easy to submit to a spanking that I don 't want , even though I know I deserve it . Earlier this week , I was happy that he finally seemed to have caught on to consistency . He was stepping up and if I stepped out of line , he let me know it . I felt secure because I knew where the boundaries were and I knew that he would step up if I strayed outside of those lines . Even though I had got spanked and my bottom felt like a swarm of angry hornets had attacked it , I felt like we were getting somewhere . Now I 'm not so sure what to think . I know we should sit down and talk this out so we can get back to where we need to be , but I need him to meet me halfway . I need him to acknowledge that he hurt me with what he said . I need him to realize that I need him to be fully on board , through the good and the bad , so I don 't feel like I 'm in this all alone . Since we brought domestic discipline into our relationship , I 've been doing a lot of reading and thinking . And I 've had some ideas . Unfortunately , I have a tendency to share some of what I 've been coming across and thinking about , only to have it backfire on me . You see I might have let it slip that another blogger has an honest to goodness shed where she and her husband go for privacy . But I forgot we have a shed . I guess I thought I was safe because our shed is currently piled to overflowing with a bunch of stuff and there 's no way we could utilize it for that purpose . I was wrong . Steve decided that having the ability to go to the shed when we need privacy is a brilliant idea . So now he 's saying that once I get the house back in order , my next major task is cleaning up the shed . He doesn 't just want it cleaned out enough we can go in there without climbing over stuff either . No , he wants enough room cleared out that he can put a couch or chair in there . Call me crazy , but that sounds to me like he thinks we 'll be spending enough time in there that he wants to be comfy . He jumped all over that one too . Of course , that meant we had to find quieter spanking implements . While I had read about some options , I didn 't want to tell him ( hearing one described as very ouchie , very stingy and evil probably had something to do with that ) . But he had an idea of his own and it turns out the very implement I was hoping to avoid by not telling him about it was the one he thought of on his own . And of course we can 't forget about the conversation about internet time . No , I wasn 't foolish enough to mention that some wives have a limit on their internet time . I might have been better off with that though . Steve made the comment one day that he thought I might be more inclined to do my chores if I didn 't have the internet to procrastinate with . He said he had considered putting a password on the modem so I couldn 't get online until he gave me the password ( which would only happen after my chores were done ) . It goes without saying that he planned to change the password daily . I laughed at the idea and reminded him it wouldn 't do much good seeing as the bill was in my name . All I had to do is call up the cable company , tell them I forgot the password and get it reset . Of course , I failed to see the other option ( he didn 't ) , which is him simply taking the modem . He hasn 't done it yet and I 'm being very careful to not give him a reason to make good on the threat . Since we brought DD into our relationship , I 've been watching with fascination the changes in Steve . He 's become more confident , not just as a leader , but as in himself . It 's carried over from our relationship to other areas like his work and friendships . He 's become more attentive . I used to think he didn 't notice how I got quiet when something was bothering me . Now he not only notices , but also asks if there 's anything he can do to help . He 's become more loving and affectionate . After the honeymoon stage , we touched infrequently . We still made love occasionally , but the little just because hugs and kisses , pats on the butt and holding hands went away for the most part . Now all those little things are back . But one change I didn 't see coming was him being jealous . He 's never been the jealous type . I 'm still friends with guys I knew before we met , a couple of which I was more than friends with , and he 's never had a problem with it . A while back , one called to mention he was in town and wanted to take me out . Steve was fine with that . I 've been flirted with here and there since we 've been married . A couple times it even happened right in front of him . It never fazed him . He 's always just laughed it off or said it just showed he had good taste . After our conversation , one thought kept occurring to me . Who is this man ? But the more I thought about it , the more I realized I liked it . I don 't see myself as the type of woman guys would want to flirt with , especially when I 'm carrying some extra pounds , dressed casually in a pair of baggy shorts and a tank top , with my hair a mess and wearing no makeup at all . So it was a bit of a ego boost to get flirted with . What really made my day , though , was my husband being jealous about it . I never wanted to be with a guy that was jealous to the point I couldn 't talk to a guy . My sister is married to a guy like that and he makes her miserable . She even had to quit a job she loved because her husband didn 't like her working with guys . But in the past when Steve didn 't seem to care , it bothered me a little . Even though I knew he loved me , I sometimes felt like he didn 't care enough to be bothered when another guy tried to hit on me . So when he got jealous yesterday , I have to confess I was thrilled . Because I 'm his and he 's mine , and that 's the way we like it . Steve and I enjoy hiking , especially if there 's a beautiful waterfall or mountaintop vista at the end of the trail . Up until I got pregnant with our daughter , we hiked nearly every weekend . We still hike occasionally , but not as often as before because it 's harder with a child in tow and neither one of us are in as good of shape as we were early in our relationship . When we hike , he takes the lead and I follow . He knows I 'm more likely to be looking around at the scenery than looking where I step so he gets in front of me to make sure I don 't inadvertently put myself in danger or stumble over an unforeseen obstacle . He 's also in the lead to give me a helping hand when the trail gets rough or we have to climb over obstacles . I 've never had a problem with this . I know he 's more familiar with the woods than I am so letting him take the lead was a no - brainer for me . The one time I stepped out of my follower role , I nearly stepped on a snake because I was looking ahead at the view rather than what was right in front of me . Thankfully even though he was behind me , he was alert to the danger and saved me from what could have been a bad situation . Since the majority of our hiking is in the woods and mountains , I would never dream of stepping off the trail he 's leading me down . I know to do so could be dangerous . I could get hurt in a fall or encounter a wild animal . I could get lost . I could find myself in a situation of not having him to protect me . So I follow him . It seems so easy on the trails , but I struggle with the same concept in our relationship . Even though I was the one that brought domestic discipline to our relationship , there are times when I have trouble letting him take the lead . Instead of following the path that he 's determined is safe for us , I find myself wanting to run down a different one and I don 't always think about the consequences of doing so . If I stepped off the trail when we were hiking , he 'd chase me down and bring me back to the path he had chosen for us . He 'd do it because he wants to keep me safe . Normally , DD is the same for us . When I start straying from our chosen path , he leads me back . Sometimes it 's with a warning or look . Sometimes it 's with a lecture . And sometimes he has to apply some heat to my backside . These last couple weeks have been stressful . It 's a new trail for us and unfortunately , we didn 't handle it well . Instead of calling me back right away , he 's let me go and I 've blazed some new trails without a thought about the potential consequences . Even though Steve did spank me on Monday , it was a lot less than what was needed because he wasn 't feeling well . He was supposed to continue the spanking the next day , but it got put off . It probably wouldn 't have bothered me because I knew he was tired except he didn 't say anything about it . He just came to bed , watched TV for a while and then fell asleep without mentioning it at all . I thought for sure it would happen Wednesday morning since we had the house to ourselves , but it didn 't . I was really struggling with how I was feeling and he was just too busy to notice . Between fixing the truck ( which was damaged when he loaned it to a friend while we were out of town the first trip ) and my car ( which was damaged on the second trip by tire blowouts ) , he 's had his hands full with mechanic work . It all came spilling out . I told him I was feeling neglected . I told him I was aggravated at having to wait several days for a spanking he promised . I told him he was lucky I was tired and not feeling up to par or he would have had a full scale rebellion on his hands ( not the best thing to say to your HoH by the way ) . He just listened and didn 't say much . Then I left to get our daughter from school . About an hour after I got back , I heard him come in the house and ask our daughter where I was . Then he came in the bedroom where I was and sat down on the bed . He was quiet for a minute before he started asking questions and lecturing . At first I was ticked off . I know he 's been busy , but him jumping right in with a lecture after practically ignoring me all week irritated me . But the more he gently lectured about the need to get back on track , the more those feelings slipped away . While I was listening when he started , I wasn 't really hearing him , but by the time he was done , I was completely open to what he was saying . He handled it well . He knew I was frustrated by what I saw as a lack of leadership . He knew that putting things off , even for just a few hours until our daughter was in bed , would just make me angry and resentful . He knew that even though a punishment was needed , I needed reassurance that he was still leading me and loving me before we could move in that direction . And even though he couldn 't really spank at that point , he made sure to give me something to tide us over until he could . So he talked and I listened . He asked questions and I answered . He swatted a few times to punctuate a point , but it was more for effect than punishment . When he left the room , I felt calmer and a lot less rebellious . So I got up and did a few chores then joined him outside to keep him company . By the time we finally got to bed , it was late . He told me was tired and only had enough energy to spank or make love , but not both and he preferred to make love . Even though it meant putting it off yet again , I chose to make love . It was good and it rekindled our connection to each other . When I fell asleep a little later , it was in his arms and for the first time all week , I slept like a baby and awoke feeling rested . This morning , after I had got our daughter off to school and he got back from his doctor 's appointment , we put it behind us ( no pun intended ) . We talked for a little bit , then he handed me my pillow and got down to business . It wasn 't pleasant , but we both knew it was needed . After it was over and he had comforted me , we made love again even though we normally try to keep that separate from punishment spankings . I think we both needed the connection . Later , as we were laying in each other 's arms , we talked some more . He talked about his expectations for me and for us , and the direction he wants to take us in the future . I talked about coming to the realization that when life gets crazy and everything seems out of control , that 's when I need him the most to be strong , firm and loving . After posting the other day about my conflicted feelings , Steve and I had a talk . I talked to him about everything that was going through my mind , what I was feeling and what everyone had commented when I shared about it ( thanks ladies it really helped ) . The conversation ended with us agreeing that as long as I didn 't step too far out of line , there would no spanking until we returned home . I would be let off the hook for everything I had done so far , but he was going to do a long , thorough maintenance to get me back on track after we got back . Since I was well aware that I had been pushing every button he had for over a week , I should have took this as an opportunity to settle down and show him I could still be submissive despite everything going on . But I didn 't . Instead I started digging myself a hole . We had car trouble on the trip , which was partially my fault . While Steve generally takes responsibility for our cars , on easy stuff like checking the oil or putting air in the tires , he lets me handle them . Most of the time I 'm pretty good about it . The minor things he asks me to do are things I know how to do because my dad required me to be able to do them before I was allowed to get my license . A month or so ago , Steve told me a couple of my tires were low and I needed to go get air in them . For some reason , I kept putting it off . It would have taken 5 minutes tops and I drive right by the store that has free air several times a day so it wasn 't like it a major chore . But I didn 't . I just kept right on putting it off , assuring him I would get to every time he reminded me about it . When we got ready to leave on our trip , he checked the tires , gave me a lecture when he saw I still hadn 't done them and then did it himself . But it was already too late . Since I had been driving around on those tires , it had already weakened them . We ended up having a blowout that not only resulted in the added expense of a tire , but also did some damage to my car . He fussed , gave me another lecture , but let me off the hook for it . I should have realized then I was on thin ice . I dug my hole a little deeper . Maybe I felt safe because family was around or because we were traveling , but I kept pushing . I was no longer skirting the line of being disrespectful , but dancing right across it while sticking my tongue out and daring him to do something about it . It was silly really . I 'm normally not like that , but I guess I had so much going on that I needed to get things out in some way . Then we had another blowout and had to spend more money . He was pretty ticked at that point , but let me off the hook again . Shortly after that he said something that made me mad so I sulked . I thought I 'd be slick about it and get around his rule about not talking to him when I was mad . So if he asked me a direct question , I 'd answer him , but otherwise I didn 't say a word . He joked with me trying to get me out of what he thought was an emotional funk , but I just ignored it . He didn 't catch on right away . When I got quiet , he just figured I was thinking about my grandmother and dealing with my emotions . We crossed one state line shortly after he ticked me off . A few hours later we passed a second one with me still going strong . We were about an hour short of the next state line when he caught on , probably because I broke my self - imposed silence to snap at him . It was then that he informed me that I would be spanked as soon as we got home and again today for maintenance . A sign started flashing in my head . I got quiet again for the rest of the ride , but he knew that this time it was because I was worried about what was sure to be an unpleasant spanking once we arrived home . As it turns out , I didn 't get spanked . By the time we got the car unloaded , got our daughter inside , ate something and got to the bedroom ourselves , it was late . I was about to fall asleep , but I was trying to stay awake because I didn 't want to get him even more aggravated at me by falling asleep before he could spank me . But he was tired too so he said he 'd just add it on to maintenance tonight . With that lovely thought rattling around in my head , I drifted off to a restless sleep . I guess this morning I 'd forgotten about what he said the night before . I was feeling a bit invincible . . So I gave up digging with a shovel and brought in a backhoe . I was a bit sassy , but he didn 't say much . Then he started to say something and I thought he was going to fuss at me about something else so I bit his head off . I immediately apologized because I could tell I had went too far , but it was too late . He had had enough . He was done with being patient with me . From the look on his face , it was clear that he was thinking about taking me by the arm and marching me to the bedroom for an attitude adjustment . The only thing that saved me was our daughter was awake and not feeling well . So after a few minutes of silence , he informed me I would be even more sorry tonight as soon as our daughter was asleep . Even though he had planned to let me off the hook for most of my offenses over the last week or so , that was no longer on the table . I was getting spanked for everything . Now I have carefully put away my shovel and backhoe and will be waiting all day for what I 'm sure will be a memorable spanking . Ugh ! Why do I do this to myself ? If you read my last post , you know that right now I 'm dealing with my grandmother 's death . It 's been a rough week and my emotions have been all over the place . Add in a visit from Aunt Flo and you 'll understand why I 'm contemplating investing in a tissue company . As a result , DD has taken a backseat this week . In fact , it 's been pretty much non - existent . Given the situation , Steve said he doesn 't feel right about punishing me for slips right now . Aside from a very brief , very light role affirmation session earlier today , I haven 't been spanked . There really hasn 't even been any warnings or looks either . I 'm conflicted on what I 'm feeling right now . On one hand , I appreciate the fact that he 's willing to give me time to get my head back on straight before we get back in the swing of things . If he had did role affirmation on our first day home like he planned , I probably would have been overwhelmed because I had too much emotions going on to start with . On the other hand , I 'm feeling a bit disconnected . Aside from our usual morning and evening hugs and kisses , we haven 't touched much . Even though he hasn 't said anything about it , I know he 's not touching because he doesn 't want to start something I may not be up to . Like I said before , the only time I 've been spanked this week was during our role affirmation this afternoon . And while I may have submitted to it and gave him the right answers to his questions , he and I both knew that my mind wasn 't really in it . I almost wish he 'd kept going until he broke through the wall of emotions I 'm hiding behind so he could really get to me . Instead he opted to go easy and I was left feeling like it was a pointless exercise . We 're just a hair over two months into DD so we 're still very much in the learn as you go stage . Right now we 're both struggling because we 're not really sure how to deal with all this . He 's scared of making a mistake and possibly making things worse so he 's stepped back and isn 't doing anything . I 'm honestly not sure what I want right now so I 'm just keeping quiet . Life has a way of knocking you down . You 'll be going along happy and secure in your life when all of a sudden life throws a punch at you . Sometimes you see it coming and can prepare to lessen the blow or dodge it altogether . Sometimes the punch comes out of nowhere and you never see it coming . Some blows knock you a little off balance and some put you on your ass . Life 's been beating the crap out of me the last few years . I 've lost several loved one . We 've had some health issues between the two of us and we 've had several rocky financial patches . This weekend life threw the strongest punch yet . My trip away was to see my grandmother , one of the people in my life that I was closest to . She had been fighting cancer and there was a good chance she was going to beat it , but then it took a drastic turn a couple weeks ago . We drove all night to get there . Even though we were exhausted , we were planning on going to the hospital after a brief respite from the car . We visited with family and then got ready to go . We were heading out the door when the call came . It flattened me . The news knocked me on my ass and sent me reeling . I 'm so grateful that Steve was there with me . We talk about loved ones holding us up when we 're weak . This time was literal . When my legs gave out and I collapsed , he used his strength to keep me from falling face - first into the concrete sidewalk . When I sat down on the ground and couldn 't get back up , he picked me up . He 's held me and comforted me when I cried . He 's listened while I talked about memories and raged about the unfairness of it all . He 's been careful to avoid saying any of the trite things that people say in situations like this because he knows they just piss me off . When my emotions got the better of me and all thoughts of submission and DD flew out the window , he even let me off the hook for snapping at him despite the fact I did it several times . He did call me on it , but he didn 't push it . And even though we were supposed to do role affirmation once we arrived home again , he decided to skip it because he realized as high as my emotions are running right now , I wouldn 't be able to handle all the emotions it would release . Even though the funeral is this weekend , we weren 't able to stay in town the whole week . So we came home for a few days and he 's making sure I can go back . And I 'm hoping he can get away to go with me on this second trip because I 'm not feeling that strong right now and I need his strength to get me through this . He 's my rock , the one I hold onto when life is good and when life is bad . Sometimes you hear something that just really hits the core of you . I heard a song like that this week . It spoke volumes to me and I played it for Steve , who felt the same way . So even though I 'm out of town right now , I 've scheduled this post for you in honor of our two month anniversary since bringing domestic discipline to our marriage . I hope it speaks to you like it did us . So I 'm not going to get to see how well I can stay on track with DD while we 're apart . But being stuck in a car with a kid for that long has its own challenges . Hopefully I 'll be able to maintain my no punishment streak . Anyway since I 'm here , I thought I 'd participate in Stormy 's ABCs . This morning Steve and I were talking and I realized something . Since implementing domestic discipline , I 've had several slips and one heck of a slide . Adjusting to the rules and a regular schedule of chores hasn 't been easy for me . Not a week has went by that I haven 't got a look ( you know the one I mean ) , a warning or a spanking . One some weeks I 've got all three , sometimes more than once . But this week has been different . I haven 't broke a single rule . I 'm actually ahead on my chores since I 'm going out of town and won 't be here to do them . And getting ahead on my chores was something I chose to do , not something Steve told me I had to do . I haven 't even came close to slipping once so there 's been no looks , no warnings and no spankings . Maybe I finally found my rhythm . After all , in a couple days , we 'll be celebrating two months of being in a DD relationship . It 's been a difficult adjustment and I kept thinking it 's bound to get easier once I get more used to having the rules . Maybe it was the spanking I received on Saturday that finally got things to click . It was a memorable one , one that neither Steve nor myself will forget any time soon . Maybe I needed to see him commit by stepping up in a big way before I could fully commit . Whatever the reason , this week has been smoother than any we 've had since we started DD and it 's been wonderful . Instead of feeling bad because I 've disappointed him or being worried because I was in trouble , I 've got to enjoy time with my husband - snuggling up in his arms , talking , making love , just spending time together . So this morning when we were talking , Steve said the words I love to hear . Those five little words were music to my ears . As much as I hate to admit it , I know there have been times in the past when I said or did things that upset him . Even though he didn 't say it , he wasn 't proud of me then . But now he is . He 's proud of me for following the rules he 's set for me - the rules that are designed to keep us all happy and healthy . He 's proud of me for taking the initiative to get ahead on my chores rather than take the opportunity to get out of them since I won 't be here . He 's proud of me for showing I can be the woman he and I both wanted me to be . When he said those words to me this morning , I realized something . I love hearing him say he 's proud of me . I love knowing that I 've made him proud of me . And I want to keep hearing those words . So when I leave in the morning , I 'm going to keep those words in mind . Because even though I know it 's going to be hard to maintain my submissiveness without Steve beside me , I want to make him even prouder . I want to show him ( and myself ) that I can do it . And hopefully when I get back next week , I can celebrate . Because if I make it through this week away , I 'll be able to say that I haven 't got in trouble for two full weeks . And that 's something to be proud of . This week will bring a new challenge for us with domestic discipline . For the first time since starting DD , we will be apart for a full week . I have to travel out of state to deal with a family issue . Between school starting for our daughter and Steve not being able to take off work that long , I will be going alone . We haven 't been apart much in our marriage . Steve has had to work out town a couple times for a week or two . I 've traveled out of state twice for family issues , but both times our daughter was with me . I do take off one weekend a year to attend a hobby convention . Other than that , I don 't go off alone . Obviously , I 'm going to have to take more responsibility for my actions since Steve won 't be with me to ensure our rules are followed . I 'm also going to have to be honest about when I slip since he won 't be there to see any slips . The other issue is what a week away from his leadership is going to do to my mindset . After a week away on my own and in a leadership role while at my destination , it 's going to be hard to switch gears once I arrive home again . As it stands right now , we will be talking on the phone daily and I will be expected to immediately confess any slips . They will be dealt with once I 'm home again . Role affirmation , which would have normally been carried out last night , has been moved to the night before I leave . This serves a dual purpose . It gives my bottom a little more time to fully recover from the spanking I received over this past weekend and it will also reinforce our roles before I leave . Role affirmation will also be carried out once I arrive home again . Again , this is a dual purpose decision . It will ensure we don 't skip it because I won 't be home on our usual night and it will help me adjust my mindset from being on my own to being his submissive wife . There is one benefit to going away though . Steve will have to step into my role as caretaker of our daughter and our home . Every time he 's had to do it before ( which has never been longer than a weekend ) , he 's always came away with a deeper appreciation of everything I do when I 'm here . You know how in my post the other day I mentioned getting woke up with a spanking , but being worried about a much worse one that I had coming that evening . Well I was half right . I did get the spanking , but it was postponed by a night . You see we ended up having the house to ourselves for a few hours on Friday night . We talked briefly about the situation and Steve let me know I did have a bad spanking coming , one that would be worse than any before . But since we had some time to ourselves , he wanted to spend it doing more enjoyable activities . So we ended up making love and going out to eat . The spanking was supposed to be carried out later that evening . It wasn 't . After our daughter was back home and we 'd got her to sleep , I headed for the bedroom to prepare . And I waited and waited and waited some more . Finally he came in , only to say he was tired , after which he promptly laid down and fell asleep . Needless to say I was frustrated . I hate worrying over a spanking only to have him put it off or forget . Yesterday he still hadn 't mentioned it so I was really struggling not to get upset or get rebellious . Finally I talked to him yesterday afternoon and let him know how I was feeling . He said he 'd changed his mind about the spanking . I should have been happy about it , but I felt let down . Even though I was not looking forward to the spanking , I felt like it needed to be done . So a little later I talked to Steve again about how I was feeling . I even showed him the list I had made of each instance of rule breaking and I asked if he really thought that was something that he should let go . He agreed that it did need to be done and said he 'd do it . Then we went on and enjoyed the evening . After our daughter was down for the night , I went to the bedroom to wait . When he came in , he talked about this and he talked about that , but he never mentioned the spanking . So I brought it up only to find out he was flip flopping on it again . Even though I had messed up royally this week , he felt like I had a good excuse due to stress I was under . I 'm sure the bad news I had receiving earlier in the day played a role as well . We talked about it a little more and I finally told him I couldn 't move on unless it was handled and even though I was not looking forward to it , I was asking him to do it . So he got up and gathered his supplies ( the wooden spoon , his belt and the hated plastic hanger ) , handed me the big pillow that I lay across for spankings and told me to get into position . It was the worst spanking by far . Unlike previous spankings , this one had three stages with breaks in between each stage . Each stage was progressively worse . It was difficult for both of us . I was in tears halfway through it and he was close to tears himself by the time it ended . I really struggled with staying in position , especially in the last stage of the spanking , but I mostly managed it . The few times I slipped , I got back into position quickly without him having to tell me to . Because Steve hates seeing me in pain , especially pain he 's caused , he really struggled with not giving in and stopping the spanking too early . During the break between the second and third stage , we talked and he was wavering a little bit about going on . Even though it was the last thing on earth I wanted given how my bottom was feeling already , I encouraged him to carry out the full punishment I had coming . And even though I 'll be sitting gently ( if at all ) for a few days and I 'm sure my bottom has marks , I have to admit it was effective . I will definitely think twice before I rebel this much again . To be honest , I 'll probably be thinking twice about breaking any rule . Even if he is inconsistent and it 's driving me up the wall , I 'm going to try to somehow dig down and find that submissive place inside of me and embrace it . Because I don 't ever want to go through another spanking like that , and I know that Steve has said that if it ever goes this far again , the next spanking will be worse . Note I did not say getting woke up for a spanking . Nope . I got brought out of a dead sleep this morning by the crack of a wooden spoon against my backside . Needless to say , I was not happy about it . I even used a word I very rarely use when I asked what it was for . Steve 's response was you know what for . Ugh ! Seeing as how I had just woke up , I asked for reprieve for a minute so I handle an urgent need . He told me to come straight back and get into position . Then it started . It was not pleasant . There was no warmup . There was no pause between swats to make it easier for me to handle . It was just rapid - fire swats that had me kicking , squirming and begging him to stop . It hurt and my bottom is still tender right now as I write this . The sad thing is that this morning 's spanking was just over dishes . He had commented on them yesterday and I stupidly chose to ignore him . So when he woke up this morning and saw that I had not only not done the dishes he had commented on , but also the dishes since then , he was not pleased . But I probably have a much worse spanking coming this evening . You see I 've been slipping and sliding all week . I 've been under a lot of stress and had my hands full between having a houseful of kids ( babysitting ) and dealing with an out of state family member 's emergency ( that nearly resulted in me having to go out of state to handle ) . Steve has been under a lot of stress as well and dealing with an injury that occurred at the beginning of the week . It was a recipe for disaster . I 've managed to break nearly every rule we have , some of them multiple times . So today after I finish my backlog of chores , I 'm going to sit down and write out every rule I 've broken this week . After our daughter goes to sleep tonight , we 're going to sit down together and go over my list and discuss things . I 'm not looking forward to our discussion because I know once he realizes the full extent of my disobedience this week , I 'm probably in for the worst punishment yet . Whatever he decides , I 'm going to accept it because I know I majorly screwed up this week and I know I deserve it . But the main reason I 'm going to accept it is because I love him and I hate knowing I disappointed him . I know that whatever punishment he decides for me , it will clean the slate and allow us to get back on track . After all , that 's why I brought domestic discipline to Steve . I was tired of getting caught up in the downward spiral . I was tired of feeling overwhelmed by guilt and knowing that he was simmering with resentment . I was tired of us not having something to stop things in their tracks before they went too far . I 've always had a knack for comebacks . Since starting DD , I 've tried to filter them a bit when talking to Steve because they tend to be on the sarcastic side and could easily be dubbed disrespectful . But for some reason , whenever I find myself OTK , that filter malfunctions ( probably because I 'm focused on the pain in my bottom rather than what 's coming out of my mouth ) and I can 't control what comes out of my mouth . A word of warning : Almost every one of these comebacks got me in more trouble so I wouldn 't recommend trying them out . One , however , got him laughing so hard that he did stop swatting . I 'll leave it to you to figure out which one and if it 's worth trying . Thanks to being up so late the night before , we ended up oversleeping Sunday morning . When I woke up , I still felt that aching need for release even though Steve hadn 't touched me yet . After breakfast , he brought me back to the bedroom for a quick tease ( it didn 't take long to get me back to the edge of orgasm ) . Then we went outside to play with our daughter . And even though I had been extremely careful to be good , I managed to get myself in trouble . For something that had happened a week before no less . You see our daughter likes to mow with her daddy . Once she started getting too big to ride on his lap , he found a small trailer that could be attached to the mower and pulled . We have an old comforter that we put in the trailer to make it more comfortable . Last week , Steve was tired after mowing so when he mentioned he had to go out and get the comfortable put up so it didn 't get rained on or dirty , I offered to do it for him . But I forgot . When he was outside trying to help our daughter catch a butterfly , he found the comforter still in the trailer . He called me over and asked about it , at which point I admitted I had forgotten about it . The problem with this is that I usually have a good memory and nine times out of ten , me forgetting something is directly related to me putting it off instead of doing it right away . This is something that drives him up the wall and we 've been working on it . So I wasn 't surprised when he whispered in my ears that he was going to spank me over it . Then it seemed like he forgot about it . About an hour later , I found out he hadn 't forgotten . He was just giving me time to worry over it . So he sent me off to the bedroom to get the implements out and get into position to wait for my spanking . It was about twenty minutes later before he came in to give me the spanking he had promised . The whole situation turned out to be a learning experience . Having to wait twenty minutes while positioned over a pillow with the implements sitting right beside me as a visible reminder of what was to come gave me time to think about what I had done ( or rather not done ) . He had never done that before and it was surprisingly effective at getting me in the right mindset . He 's decided that from now on , I will be sent to the room to prepare for a spanking and think about my actions . I thought for sure getting in trouble meant an end to my chances of him bringing me to orgasm , but he surprised me . A little later in the day , we went back to the bedroom . We started out on the bed with me going down on him while he teased with his fingers . Then he decided it was time to work on my oral skills . It has long been a source of frustration for me that I couldn 't take all of his cock in my mouth . I had tried many times over the years , but never could quite get all of it . He 's above average in size and I 've always found myself stopping at that last inch . And because I 've always refused to let me touch my head while I gave him oral up until recently , he 's never been able to push me to take more . So I found myself kneeling on a pillow beside the bed with my fingers interlaced behind my back . He started out by letting me set the pace and keeping his hands off . After a few minutes of that , he took control , grabbing my head and urging me to take a little more . He would push me a little farther down then back off for a few strokes , then go right back . I was taking him a little deeper than I had before , but still didn 't have all of him . I could tell that he was scared to push me too far , but I really wanted to do this for him . So the next time I pulled back and let his cock slip from my mouth , I told him to push me . I think I even said something to the effect that I wanted him to use my mouth just like he does my pussy . We resumed and I guess the thought of fucking my mouth like he does my pussy finally got to him because a minute after restarting , he pushed me further than he had ever before and I found my nose being tickled by his pubic hair . I was having to fight the gag reflex , but the sound of his moan when I finally took every inch of him got me through it . When I pulled back , we were both smiling from ear to ear . I got back to work and he kept pushing until I was able to keep him in longer . Then he told me to get up on the bed . I climbed back up on the bed on wobbly legs . A minute later he was buried deep inside and thrusting hard and fast . He had me begging for release in just a few strokes . He kept up the torture a few more minutes and then told me I was a good girl for taking all of his cock and he wanted me to cum hard for him . The words were barely out of his mouth when it hit me , the most intense orgasm I 've had in my life . By the time he got off , I was on my fourth orgasm . We collapsed on the bed to catch our breath . But he wasn 't done yet . I felt a light touch on my inner thigh and my hips rocked up seeking his touch . After several minutes of him stroking close but never touching where I wanted his hands , he finally touched and I exploded again . He kept alternating between rubbing my clit and stroking his fingers inside , taking me over the edge again and again . For the purposes of this blog , I 'm Dana and my husband is Steve . We 've married and have a child together . Like most couples , we 've had our problems . After coming to the realization that my procrastination and disrespect was a huge problem in our marriage , I started exploring options . I came across domestic discipline ( DD ) a while back , but it took a bit for me to work up my nerve to bring up the subject with my husband . To my surprise , he didn 't think I was crazy for bringing it up and now we 've begun a new stage in our relationship . I 'm working harder to be the wife I should have been all along and have given him the authority to redirect me if I get off the path we 've chosen together . I started this blog for a variety of reasons : to document our journey ( in case we want to look back ) , to connect with others with DD relationships ( because everyone around me is vanilla to the core ) and to help work out issues I 'm dealing with ( since writing things out helps ) . I welcome others ' input so feel free to comment or email ( danaandstevek @ gmail . com ) . Join us and other like - minded individuals in chat for some great conversation . ADDS ChatThe ADDS chatroom offers a Sunday morning community sit down discussion , a Monday night topic discussion and bi - weekly HoH and tih chats . D & L ChatThe Discipline & Love chatroom offers Sunday night topic discussions . Both chats are free and do not require registration to join the conversation . Both are open 24 / 7 so if you miss the scheduled chats , you can still stop in for general discussion at any time .
Ever since Friday , there 's been this strange silence . It feels so weird not to be listening to an oxygen concentrator . I mean , it has been a part of my life over the last 9 or so years . To hear nothing is just odd ! ! I will eventually get used to that , but it might take me awhile ! Today another silence is upon the house . My upstairs neighbor knocked on my door this afternoon , and when I opened it , she went to give me some rent money , and broke down crying . She said she was sorry , she had just put Frasier down that morning . I was taken aback . I told her how sorry I was , and she hugged me and kept apologizing for any problems she caused . All I could think about were the times I got irritated with Frasier barking so much , but many of those times I just dealt with it through listening to headphones . I asked if Frasier was sick , and she said they think he had a tumor . She was just inconsoleable , and turned to go upstairs . I told her if there was anything she needed to please let me know . A few hours later , I went upstairs to ask her if I could make dinner for her or something . I just feel so terrible about Frasier . She broke down sobbing again and I hugged her for a few minutes . She said she did everything she could to help him , but he just kept getting worse this summer . She tried puppy Prozac , that did nothing to alleviate his anxiety . And she said the last several weeks he had started pacing constantly , getting up and barking at night ( which I heard sometimes ) , and just not doing well . I had no idea , because every time I saw him he seemed like he was ok . She must have been thinking about putting him down for awhile though . She said on Saturday when she had left the house , if she came back to him barking , she was going to have to put him down . He really did bark for at least 5 hours , and was still barking when I had left the house and came back . So , she put Frasier down herself this morning at the vet 's office . She is a euthanasia tech . I think it would 've broken my heart to do that myself ! I just pray she is able to hPosted by Yesterday , I was introduced to the world of liquid oxygen ! Yep , I decided to go for it ! Mandy and Ron came over on Thursday night to take apart the daybed . I situated the room for jewelry and for space for the 2 reservoir tanks that I knew would be coming , and was all set for Friday 's delivery . The o2 guy came in the afternoon ( I 'm pretty sure his name was Mike , but I am phorgetting already lol ) , and I showed him the area I wanted the tanks . He did suggest that I put them in the front hallway , maybe at another time , because it would be so much easier for them just bring the dolly up the stairs and fill the reservoirs , instead of traipsing through the house with wet or snowy dollys in the winter . And the tanks will fit ! So , I 'm thinking next Friday when they come to fill , I 'll just have them move the tanks into the hallway anyway . Mike ( ? ) showed me how to use the tanks . They seemed pretty simple enough ! The tricky part was trying to show me how to use the cute lil Helios ! One has to be really careful because liquid o2 is freezing , enough so that it can cause burns if not careful . So I was shown how to fill Helios , and then Mike ( ? ) asked me to wear it for awhile to just see how long it would actually last me . So , I had it on from 2pm until about 9pm and it was still puffing . However , I don 't think I really understood how to tell if the Helios was empty . So I may not have actually gotten 7 hours out of wearing it . But even 5 hours would have been fine with me , because that 's about how much a tank used to last . I guess I 'll just have to test it again ! I named my Helios : RD ( pronounced like Artie ) . It 's short for respiratory device . LOL ! RD traveled with me on my first outing to the grocery store about an hour after I had him . It felt sooo weird to just be bringing RD with me , and sticking my license , EBT card , coupons and my phone in my back jean pockets . I don 't think I 'll really be using my big Targét purse / bag anymore ! I mean , I can still stick RD in there if I wanted , but the thought of having a smaller purse isColleen Last summer , I had the unfortunate opportunity to get a visit from a representative of a group called US Energy Savings . The guy explained how the electric company 's supply services constantly can go up , and if you signed up with US Energy Savings for 5 years , you are guaranteed to be locked into one price . So no matter what happens , if the electric company 's supply goes through the roof , you still pay for the price you got locked into when signing up with them . So , I thought sure , why not . I signed up for it , and several months later wished I hadn 't . You only had 30 days to cancel their service , but I forgot , and never did . If you tried cancelling earlier than the 5 year contract , you 'd pay a big fee . So I felt stuck at 11 cents a kilowatt , which was the rate I was locked into after signing up . In June , I received a letter from them . They said that after I signed up , they neglected to send me my welcome information . So , because of their error , I was given 30 days from the date of the letter to cancel without penalty . THANK THE LORD ! ! ! ! ! After going on National Grid 's website and looking up their service rates for the entire year , I realized that the highest their rate ever got to was 9 cents . NINE CENTS . And here I 've been locked into 11 cents all this time ! ! What savings was that ? ? ? ? ? I immediately called , and tried to be nice to the woman I was telling to cancel my account . She didn 't quite believe me that their outrageous plan to keep people locked into a price was just stupid . Anyway , she finally listened to my third request to cancel my account , and said that it would come off within 2 or 3 billing cycles . Ugh , fine ! Two weeks after cancelling , another US Energy Savings representative came to my front door . First of all , this guy looked like he didn 't give two hoots about his job . He referred to his clipboard as he was talking to me , only looking directly at me when he asked to see my electric bill . Here was the exchange : IR ( Irritating rep ) : Ma ' am , I need to see your electric bill so I can see if we can sign Posted by I 've been on oxygen for almost 1o years . In all that time , I 've used a concentrator and portable tanks . Well , I 'm trying to make a decision on whether or not to change this . Why ? The electric bill is just getting out of hand . I 'm on the budget plan for National Grid , but I still have to pay at least $ 100 a month ! I have tried so much to cut down on energy . I 've changed almost all my light bulbs to the new energy saving ones . I keep my toaster unplugged , parts of the computer unplugged , the washer unplugged . I 'd unplug the dryer , but I just can 't reach the cord all the time to keep taking it out and putting it back in . I 'm just at a loss , and I don 't know what to do to make my bill cheaper ! I hadn 't really considered getting liquid o2 before because I just don 't have the room . The hallway wasn 't safe because of having a tenant upstairs . Every room of my apartment just didn 't have the space for the liquid o2 unit . I have a lot of furniture ! ! However , since I 'll be giving my daybed to my niece very soon , there will be room in the jewerly room ! So when the o2 guy was here delivering my o2 tanks today , I asked him about the liquid o2 . He feels that I 'd be able to get 2 units since I 'm on 3L , and that I could fill a Helios portable , but I 'd only last a few hours with it . I posted on Facebook and the PH boards asking about liquid o2 , and it seems that many who are on high flow rates are able to last much longer with the portables than what the o2 guy told me . So I 'll try to call tomorrow afternoon at my o2 company 's main office to ask more about the liquid o2 option ! I really do feel I 'll end up changing , and if it doesn 't work out , I know I can change back ! I 've also got some decisions to make about my jewelry , but I just don 't want to say much about that yet until things are finalized . There might be something in the works . I just hope it works out , but we 'll see ! I 've also started making decisions about . . . . . Christmas gifts ! ! And yes , I have 4 already ! Whoo hoo ! I know , people think I 'm nuts , but I start shopping early sPosted by Last night around 8 : 30pm , I started noticing lightning in the skies . It wasn 't much at first , but within half an hour , it was getting worse and worse . And cooler and cooler . It got really bad and very bright at some points , which made me get off the computer and just watch the lightning from my dark computer room window . I am always amazed at thunder and lightning . I love the storms , except when they cause damage , of course ! I had never seen a lightning storm like last night , though . At 1am , when I was finally dozing in bed , it was STILL going off . I couldn 't believe that almost 5 hours later we were still getting the lightning ! ! We have chances of thunderstorms for most of this week , but I am pretty sure I won 't ever see a night of heaven 's fireworks like that again , at least not for awhile . This weekend is the annual Lewiston Art Festival , something I 've loved to go to for quite a long time . I 've been to it almost every summer for at least the last 10 years , and it 's been running even longer than that . There are so many different artists who make such a wide variety of things : handmade jewelry ( they are supposed to make some aspect of the jewelry , whether it be the beads , hammered silver , something like that , but I 'm telling you that some of those vendors are NOT doing that ! ! ) , pottery , glass pendants , pictures and paintings of all sorts , wooden items , etc , etc . I love to go to just browse at everything , especially the jewelry and any glass items . I like to get ideas , and I just love looking at anything glass ! This year I went with mom and Joan . We got there a little after 1pm , and had to walk a bit to get to the main street where it 's located . This year , they changed a few things , including closing the main street to traffic . BRILLIANT idea ! ! ! There was soooo much more room to walk around , instead of watching out for people on the cramped sidewalks . There are thousands and thousands of people who come to this every year , and it 's always been such a problem with trying to walk around and worry about cars in the street . I don 't know why they didn 't close it off to traffic sooner than this , but I do hope they keep it up ! ! So anyway , we got there , and started walking , and mom saw a yard sale and gravitated toward it . Joan and I tried to tell her to stay away , but mom said she 'd catch up with us . Well , I had a feeling Joan and I shouldn 't have gone too far because we ended up losing mom and tried to search for her for 45 minutes ! ! We were so aggravated that we ended up going to this one shop that had wine tasting so we could taste something ! ! We actually got carded ! LOL Well , I finally spotted mom and took off like a rocket to make sure we didn 't lose sight of her again , and when I caught up to her , I asked her where she had been ! ! She actually had walked almost the whole street ! Argh ! Well , we finally stPosted by August 2 , 2009I guess I had a better night 's sleep . I 've only been up for 45 minutes , and haven 't ventured downstairs yet . But I am dressed and mostly packed . We 'll probably leave in the early afternoon . I 've enjoyed my visit here , but I 'm not sure it brought me the peace and comfort I was looking for . I don 't know what I 'm looking for . I just feel lost . I 'm not quite sure how to explain it . I 'm hoping thise feeling of emptiness will pass soon . I 'm looking at all the pages I 've written since I 've been here . Wow , I got a lot out . I 'll be typing all of it into my blog when I get back . My handwriting has sucked through most of these entries . No wonder I 've enjoyed blogging so much more since I stopped writing in my actual journal ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Ok , this is me writing in the here and now ! It 's August 5th , and I got home safely , for the most part . Mom was getting tired on the way back again , and I asked her if she wanted me to drive b / c she was freaking me out ! ! She said no , and the trip ended up being ok after that . We ended up getting back to Niagara Falls around 6ish , and had dinner at my parents ' before dad dropped me off with all of my stuff . Mittens was beyond happy to see me ! ! Boy , he was chatty ! ! On the trip back , I found out about the death of another phriend , Patti . I am sad to hear she is gone , but she was just soooo sick with cancer as well as PH . She fought a very long and brave battle . She sounded like such a trooper , trying so hard not to complain because she felt what she was going through didn 't compare to what others were dealing with . I consider her one of my heroes . She will be very missed . I 've been busy since I 've been home , trying to straighten things up around here . I got a lot done today , after getting a new door put in , and exercising ! The weather was on the cool side , and I think it helped , even though I don 't like wearing jeans and a sweater during the summer ! Yesterday I went to rehab and then to lunch with my o2 friends . I wasn 't planning on going b / Posted by August 1 , 2009I woke up at 6am , and thought about looking out the window for a possible deer siting . I was just too tired to do it . So a little after 7 , I woke up again to take Revatio and took a quick peek . Nothing . I woke up again close to 10am . After breakfast , a shower , and getting dressed , I felt like I already needed a nap . Grandma told me just to go lay down since we weren 't doing much , so I came upstairs for awhile . I guess I feel better . I 'm not totally sure . We are supposed to visit mom 's Uncle Eddy in a bit , and then go to church , then to Aunt Beverly 's for dinner . I 'd like to ask Beverly about hosting a jewelry party for Mandy and me . She knows quite a few people , and she loves hosting parties ! I can 't see her saying no ! I don 't know what it is about this trip , but I feel more and more that perhaps I need to go talk to someone again like I did years ago when I was dealing with so many emotions . Mason 's death is one blatantly obvious reason to go , but the death of another friend I used to work with almost a month after he died has also hit me . They both died way before their time . Of course , in God 's eyes , it probably was their time to go . I makes me look at my health condition and question when I 'm supposed to go . if you read info and statistics on people living with Eisenmenger 's , their life span is definitely not much longer past 50 . Add PH to the mix , and who knows ? I am feeling pretty good these days , but who 's to say it 's going to stay that way ? I guess it 's just a lot of fear . I 'm trying to handle it , but perhaps talking to a professional again will help me once more . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Well , as usual , plans didn 't exactly happen the way they were supposed to . I didn 't go to the creek . I guess I probably won 't , since tomorrow morning is supposed to be rainy . Mom went and said there is water flowing . She likes to take a rock from the creek to bring home for her garden , so she did get one . I was too tired to go with her , and when I woke up from my nap , Posted by July 31 , 2009I had a somewhat restless night . It 's still raining , and it 's very blah out . Gee , kinda like home ! I woke up at 6 : 30am and decided to see if I could spot any deer in the backyard . I put on my glasses and sat on the floor to look out the window . I thought perhaps I had spotted a deer , but the gloominess of the early morning and the fact that my glasses are not the same prescription as my contacts made me finally realize that it was just part of a tree . Duh ! So I went back to bed , woke up about an hour later to take Revatio , and looked out the window again . Still no deer . Oh well , maybe tomorrow . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - We just got back from having lunch with my cousin , Ryhan , and two of her daycare kids . We had the lunch buffet at Pizza Hut . It wasn 't too bad , considering I never eat there anymore . The kids get to eat free , so that 's a plus ! Afterward , mom and I went to a store called Bargain Hut . Mom grew up knowing the shop as The Lovely Shop , so she still calls it that . It 's a store that has high - end used clothing for a bargain ! After I talked to Lisa on the phone in the van , I went in and browsed . I did find a pair of swishy pants for working out and / or relaxing . Bargain price - $ 3 ! When we left , mom drove down the street Grandpa K . used to live on , and showed me his house . Several family members lived in three house next to each other . They still look pretty nice . Now we 're back at Grandma 's , and I 'm pretty sure I " ll be crashing in a few minutes . I had a fitful sleep last night and early this morning , complete with some whacked out dreams . One of them involved my ex - boyfriend . I soooo can 't understand why I dreamt about him . In the dream , he had seen me doing some things I 'm not going to describe , and when he was able to talk to me , he just wanted to warn me about who I was hanging around with . Then I proceeded to tell him that even though our relationship wasn 't all that great , I thanked him for being there for me when I had to quit my job . He was more supportive to mePosted by I went to my Grandma 's house in Horseheads , NY last Wednesday to Sunday with my mom . I wrote . A lot . So , I 'm going to type the entries I wrote here . I 'd scan them , but my handwriting isn 't the best for some reason , and I don 't want to blind anyone . lolJuly 30 , 2009I 'm sitting on my Grandma 's front porch listening to music . My mom and I got here last night . We had left around 3 : 30 , a little later than my mom had wanted . The trip isn 't that long really , about 3 hours give or take . The ride down started out wet and a little worrisome . My mom was rather sleepy ! When we stopped at the Scottsville rest stop , she got a snack and a drink , and that helped . I had also popped in my Michael Jackson CD , and we bebopped to that the rest of the way ! We at at Friendly 's when we got into town . It was rather noisy in there ! We lost our Friendly 's over a decade ago , so I forgot how loud that place could be . By the time we ate and got to Grandma 's , it was close to 8pm . There 's something comforting about being here this time for some reason . I think being at Grandma 's means more sometimes than when we were coming here as kids . It 's so beautiful around here . She lives in Horseheads , NY , where there are so many hills . It 's relatively quiet where here house is located . The backyard is huge ! If you walk back far enough , you reach the creek at the bottom of the hill behind her house . My sistores and I used to walk to the creek so many times as kids . I haven 't walked to see it in the past several years b / c I haven 't had the energy . I would like to on this trip if the weather cooperates . It always brought me comfort , especially if there 's a lot of water . Depending on the weather , sometimes the creek has been dry . It 's been such a rainy summer in this area , that I can 't imagine there 'd be no water ! So maybe I 'll try to venture out there after dinner . Something tells me I might not have too many more chances to do so . I wanted to come to Grandma 's to get away from home for a few days . This has been such a hard summer . The weather has sucked fPosted by When my Grandpa S . died 15 years ago , I got several items from him , including a table , his glass candy dish , and his hope chest . The hope chest has been in my parents ' basement all this time , which I didn 't care about for the first 10 years since I hadn 't moved and then when I did move , I kinda forgot it was there . But the past couple of years , I was really hoping to have it . It needed to be stripped and stained and completely refinished . My mom said last September she 'd do it , and had started , but the stripping stuff was making her ill . I had tried to help her , but that stuff is really lethal ! ! I finally asked Eve in June if she 'd come over to help strip it and stain it , and she spent a Friday afternoon at my parents ' doing just that . So , here are the pictures ! A week after she stained the hope chest , I bought the stuff to put over the finish , and put it on a couple times one of the days that Lisa was here . Finally last week , the hope chest was brought over by Dad and Joanie , and it 's now in my bedroom ! ! I 'm soooooo happy , I just love it ! ! I 'm going to use it to store my Harry Potter books , and a bunch of sweaters and such that won 't fit in my drawers during the winter . I 'm just glad to have another piece of my Grandpa with me here . By the way , when I asked my Dad how old he thought the hope chest was , I thought maybe 1940s or 1930s . He said at least the 1900s ! ! I was shocked ! It makes it even MORE special to me ! ! I 'm an easygoing person , who gets along with just about everyone I meet . I live in a place where the waterfalls are beautiful ! I have grown up with a rare lung condition , called pulmonary hypertension . I have many limits , but they have not stopped me from being a good person and loving my family and friends ! They are very important in my life ! : )
Ever since Friday , there 's been this strange silence . It feels so weird not to be listening to an oxygen concentrator . I mean , it has been a part of my life over the last 9 or so years . To hear nothing is just odd ! ! I will eventually get used to that , but it might take me awhile ! Today another silence is upon the house . My upstairs neighbor knocked on my door this afternoon , and when I opened it , she went to give me some rent money , and broke down crying . She said she was sorry , she had just put Frasier down that morning . I was taken aback . I told her how sorry I was , and she hugged me and kept apologizing for any problems she caused . All I could think about were the times I got irritated with Frasier barking so much , but many of those times I just dealt with it through listening to headphones . I asked if Frasier was sick , and she said they think he had a tumor . She was just inconsoleable , and turned to go upstairs . I told her if there was anything she needed to please let me know . A few hours later , I went upstairs to ask her if I could make dinner for her or something . I just feel so terrible about Frasier . She broke down sobbing again and I hugged her for a few minutes . She said she did everything she could to help him , but he just kept getting worse this summer . She tried puppy Prozac , that did nothing to alleviate his anxiety . And she said the last several weeks he had started pacing constantly , getting up and barking at night ( which I heard sometimes ) , and just not doing well . I had no idea , because every time I saw him he seemed like he was ok . She must have been thinking about putting him down for awhile though . She said on Saturday when she had left the house , if she came back to him barking , she was going to have to put him down . He really did bark for at least 5 hours , and was still barking when I had left the house and came back . So , she put Frasier down herself this morning at the vet 's office . She is a euthanasia tech . I think it would 've broken my heart to do that myself ! I just pray she is able to hPosted by Yesterday , I was introduced to the world of liquid oxygen ! Yep , I decided to go for it ! Mandy and Ron came over on Thursday night to take apart the daybed . I situated the room for jewelry and for space for the 2 reservoir tanks that I knew would be coming , and was all set for Friday 's delivery . The o2 guy came in the afternoon ( I 'm pretty sure his name was Mike , but I am phorgetting already lol ) , and I showed him the area I wanted the tanks . He did suggest that I put them in the front hallway , maybe at another time , because it would be so much easier for them just bring the dolly up the stairs and fill the reservoirs , instead of traipsing through the house with wet or snowy dollys in the winter . And the tanks will fit ! So , I 'm thinking next Friday when they come to fill , I 'll just have them move the tanks into the hallway anyway . Mike ( ? ) showed me how to use the tanks . They seemed pretty simple enough ! The tricky part was trying to show me how to use the cute lil Helios ! One has to be really careful because liquid o2 is freezing , enough so that it can cause burns if not careful . So I was shown how to fill Helios , and then Mike ( ? ) asked me to wear it for awhile to just see how long it would actually last me . So , I had it on from 2pm until about 9pm and it was still puffing . However , I don 't think I really understood how to tell if the Helios was empty . So I may not have actually gotten 7 hours out of wearing it . But even 5 hours would have been fine with me , because that 's about how much a tank used to last . I guess I 'll just have to test it again ! I named my Helios : RD ( pronounced like Artie ) . It 's short for respiratory device . LOL ! RD traveled with me on my first outing to the grocery store about an hour after I had him . It felt sooo weird to just be bringing RD with me , and sticking my license , EBT card , coupons and my phone in my back jean pockets . I don 't think I 'll really be using my big Targét purse / bag anymore ! I mean , I can still stick RD in there if I wanted , but the thought of having a smaller purse isColleen Last summer , I had the unfortunate opportunity to get a visit from a representative of a group called US Energy Savings . The guy explained how the electric company 's supply services constantly can go up , and if you signed up with US Energy Savings for 5 years , you are guaranteed to be locked into one price . So no matter what happens , if the electric company 's supply goes through the roof , you still pay for the price you got locked into when signing up with them . So , I thought sure , why not . I signed up for it , and several months later wished I hadn 't . You only had 30 days to cancel their service , but I forgot , and never did . If you tried cancelling earlier than the 5 year contract , you 'd pay a big fee . So I felt stuck at 11 cents a kilowatt , which was the rate I was locked into after signing up . In June , I received a letter from them . They said that after I signed up , they neglected to send me my welcome information . So , because of their error , I was given 30 days from the date of the letter to cancel without penalty . THANK THE LORD ! ! ! ! ! After going on National Grid 's website and looking up their service rates for the entire year , I realized that the highest their rate ever got to was 9 cents . NINE CENTS . And here I 've been locked into 11 cents all this time ! ! What savings was that ? ? ? ? ? I immediately called , and tried to be nice to the woman I was telling to cancel my account . She didn 't quite believe me that their outrageous plan to keep people locked into a price was just stupid . Anyway , she finally listened to my third request to cancel my account , and said that it would come off within 2 or 3 billing cycles . Ugh , fine ! Two weeks after cancelling , another US Energy Savings representative came to my front door . First of all , this guy looked like he didn 't give two hoots about his job . He referred to his clipboard as he was talking to me , only looking directly at me when he asked to see my electric bill . Here was the exchange : IR ( Irritating rep ) : Ma ' am , I need to see your electric bill so I can see if we can sign Posted by I 've been on oxygen for almost 1o years . In all that time , I 've used a concentrator and portable tanks . Well , I 'm trying to make a decision on whether or not to change this . Why ? The electric bill is just getting out of hand . I 'm on the budget plan for National Grid , but I still have to pay at least $ 100 a month ! I have tried so much to cut down on energy . I 've changed almost all my light bulbs to the new energy saving ones . I keep my toaster unplugged , parts of the computer unplugged , the washer unplugged . I 'd unplug the dryer , but I just can 't reach the cord all the time to keep taking it out and putting it back in . I 'm just at a loss , and I don 't know what to do to make my bill cheaper ! I hadn 't really considered getting liquid o2 before because I just don 't have the room . The hallway wasn 't safe because of having a tenant upstairs . Every room of my apartment just didn 't have the space for the liquid o2 unit . I have a lot of furniture ! ! However , since I 'll be giving my daybed to my niece very soon , there will be room in the jewerly room ! So when the o2 guy was here delivering my o2 tanks today , I asked him about the liquid o2 . He feels that I 'd be able to get 2 units since I 'm on 3L , and that I could fill a Helios portable , but I 'd only last a few hours with it . I posted on Facebook and the PH boards asking about liquid o2 , and it seems that many who are on high flow rates are able to last much longer with the portables than what the o2 guy told me . So I 'll try to call tomorrow afternoon at my o2 company 's main office to ask more about the liquid o2 option ! I really do feel I 'll end up changing , and if it doesn 't work out , I know I can change back ! I 've also got some decisions to make about my jewelry , but I just don 't want to say much about that yet until things are finalized . There might be something in the works . I just hope it works out , but we 'll see ! I 've also started making decisions about . . . . . Christmas gifts ! ! And yes , I have 4 already ! Whoo hoo ! I know , people think I 'm nuts , but I start shopping early sPosted by Last night around 8 : 30pm , I started noticing lightning in the skies . It wasn 't much at first , but within half an hour , it was getting worse and worse . And cooler and cooler . It got really bad and very bright at some points , which made me get off the computer and just watch the lightning from my dark computer room window . I am always amazed at thunder and lightning . I love the storms , except when they cause damage , of course ! I had never seen a lightning storm like last night , though . At 1am , when I was finally dozing in bed , it was STILL going off . I couldn 't believe that almost 5 hours later we were still getting the lightning ! ! We have chances of thunderstorms for most of this week , but I am pretty sure I won 't ever see a night of heaven 's fireworks like that again , at least not for awhile . This weekend is the annual Lewiston Art Festival , something I 've loved to go to for quite a long time . I 've been to it almost every summer for at least the last 10 years , and it 's been running even longer than that . There are so many different artists who make such a wide variety of things : handmade jewelry ( they are supposed to make some aspect of the jewelry , whether it be the beads , hammered silver , something like that , but I 'm telling you that some of those vendors are NOT doing that ! ! ) , pottery , glass pendants , pictures and paintings of all sorts , wooden items , etc , etc . I love to go to just browse at everything , especially the jewelry and any glass items . I like to get ideas , and I just love looking at anything glass ! This year I went with mom and Joan . We got there a little after 1pm , and had to walk a bit to get to the main street where it 's located . This year , they changed a few things , including closing the main street to traffic . BRILLIANT idea ! ! ! There was soooo much more room to walk around , instead of watching out for people on the cramped sidewalks . There are thousands and thousands of people who come to this every year , and it 's always been such a problem with trying to walk around and worry about cars in the street . I don 't know why they didn 't close it off to traffic sooner than this , but I do hope they keep it up ! ! So anyway , we got there , and started walking , and mom saw a yard sale and gravitated toward it . Joan and I tried to tell her to stay away , but mom said she 'd catch up with us . Well , I had a feeling Joan and I shouldn 't have gone too far because we ended up losing mom and tried to search for her for 45 minutes ! ! We were so aggravated that we ended up going to this one shop that had wine tasting so we could taste something ! ! We actually got carded ! LOL Well , I finally spotted mom and took off like a rocket to make sure we didn 't lose sight of her again , and when I caught up to her , I asked her where she had been ! ! She actually had walked almost the whole street ! Argh ! Well , we finally stPosted by August 2 , 2009I guess I had a better night 's sleep . I 've only been up for 45 minutes , and haven 't ventured downstairs yet . But I am dressed and mostly packed . We 'll probably leave in the early afternoon . I 've enjoyed my visit here , but I 'm not sure it brought me the peace and comfort I was looking for . I don 't know what I 'm looking for . I just feel lost . I 'm not quite sure how to explain it . I 'm hoping thise feeling of emptiness will pass soon . I 'm looking at all the pages I 've written since I 've been here . Wow , I got a lot out . I 'll be typing all of it into my blog when I get back . My handwriting has sucked through most of these entries . No wonder I 've enjoyed blogging so much more since I stopped writing in my actual journal ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Ok , this is me writing in the here and now ! It 's August 5th , and I got home safely , for the most part . Mom was getting tired on the way back again , and I asked her if she wanted me to drive b / c she was freaking me out ! ! She said no , and the trip ended up being ok after that . We ended up getting back to Niagara Falls around 6ish , and had dinner at my parents ' before dad dropped me off with all of my stuff . Mittens was beyond happy to see me ! ! Boy , he was chatty ! ! On the trip back , I found out about the death of another phriend , Patti . I am sad to hear she is gone , but she was just soooo sick with cancer as well as PH . She fought a very long and brave battle . She sounded like such a trooper , trying so hard not to complain because she felt what she was going through didn 't compare to what others were dealing with . I consider her one of my heroes . She will be very missed . I 've been busy since I 've been home , trying to straighten things up around here . I got a lot done today , after getting a new door put in , and exercising ! The weather was on the cool side , and I think it helped , even though I don 't like wearing jeans and a sweater during the summer ! Yesterday I went to rehab and then to lunch with my o2 friends . I wasn 't planning on going b / Posted by August 1 , 2009I woke up at 6am , and thought about looking out the window for a possible deer siting . I was just too tired to do it . So a little after 7 , I woke up again to take Revatio and took a quick peek . Nothing . I woke up again close to 10am . After breakfast , a shower , and getting dressed , I felt like I already needed a nap . Grandma told me just to go lay down since we weren 't doing much , so I came upstairs for awhile . I guess I feel better . I 'm not totally sure . We are supposed to visit mom 's Uncle Eddy in a bit , and then go to church , then to Aunt Beverly 's for dinner . I 'd like to ask Beverly about hosting a jewelry party for Mandy and me . She knows quite a few people , and she loves hosting parties ! I can 't see her saying no ! I don 't know what it is about this trip , but I feel more and more that perhaps I need to go talk to someone again like I did years ago when I was dealing with so many emotions . Mason 's death is one blatantly obvious reason to go , but the death of another friend I used to work with almost a month after he died has also hit me . They both died way before their time . Of course , in God 's eyes , it probably was their time to go . I makes me look at my health condition and question when I 'm supposed to go . if you read info and statistics on people living with Eisenmenger 's , their life span is definitely not much longer past 50 . Add PH to the mix , and who knows ? I am feeling pretty good these days , but who 's to say it 's going to stay that way ? I guess it 's just a lot of fear . I 'm trying to handle it , but perhaps talking to a professional again will help me once more . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Well , as usual , plans didn 't exactly happen the way they were supposed to . I didn 't go to the creek . I guess I probably won 't , since tomorrow morning is supposed to be rainy . Mom went and said there is water flowing . She likes to take a rock from the creek to bring home for her garden , so she did get one . I was too tired to go with her , and when I woke up from my nap , Posted by July 31 , 2009I had a somewhat restless night . It 's still raining , and it 's very blah out . Gee , kinda like home ! I woke up at 6 : 30am and decided to see if I could spot any deer in the backyard . I put on my glasses and sat on the floor to look out the window . I thought perhaps I had spotted a deer , but the gloominess of the early morning and the fact that my glasses are not the same prescription as my contacts made me finally realize that it was just part of a tree . Duh ! So I went back to bed , woke up about an hour later to take Revatio , and looked out the window again . Still no deer . Oh well , maybe tomorrow . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - We just got back from having lunch with my cousin , Ryhan , and two of her daycare kids . We had the lunch buffet at Pizza Hut . It wasn 't too bad , considering I never eat there anymore . The kids get to eat free , so that 's a plus ! Afterward , mom and I went to a store called Bargain Hut . Mom grew up knowing the shop as The Lovely Shop , so she still calls it that . It 's a store that has high - end used clothing for a bargain ! After I talked to Lisa on the phone in the van , I went in and browsed . I did find a pair of swishy pants for working out and / or relaxing . Bargain price - $ 3 ! When we left , mom drove down the street Grandpa K . used to live on , and showed me his house . Several family members lived in three house next to each other . They still look pretty nice . Now we 're back at Grandma 's , and I 'm pretty sure I " ll be crashing in a few minutes . I had a fitful sleep last night and early this morning , complete with some whacked out dreams . One of them involved my ex - boyfriend . I soooo can 't understand why I dreamt about him . In the dream , he had seen me doing some things I 'm not going to describe , and when he was able to talk to me , he just wanted to warn me about who I was hanging around with . Then I proceeded to tell him that even though our relationship wasn 't all that great , I thanked him for being there for me when I had to quit my job . He was more supportive to mePosted by I went to my Grandma 's house in Horseheads , NY last Wednesday to Sunday with my mom . I wrote . A lot . So , I 'm going to type the entries I wrote here . I 'd scan them , but my handwriting isn 't the best for some reason , and I don 't want to blind anyone . lolJuly 30 , 2009I 'm sitting on my Grandma 's front porch listening to music . My mom and I got here last night . We had left around 3 : 30 , a little later than my mom had wanted . The trip isn 't that long really , about 3 hours give or take . The ride down started out wet and a little worrisome . My mom was rather sleepy ! When we stopped at the Scottsville rest stop , she got a snack and a drink , and that helped . I had also popped in my Michael Jackson CD , and we bebopped to that the rest of the way ! We at at Friendly 's when we got into town . It was rather noisy in there ! We lost our Friendly 's over a decade ago , so I forgot how loud that place could be . By the time we ate and got to Grandma 's , it was close to 8pm . There 's something comforting about being here this time for some reason . I think being at Grandma 's means more sometimes than when we were coming here as kids . It 's so beautiful around here . She lives in Horseheads , NY , where there are so many hills . It 's relatively quiet where here house is located . The backyard is huge ! If you walk back far enough , you reach the creek at the bottom of the hill behind her house . My sistores and I used to walk to the creek so many times as kids . I haven 't walked to see it in the past several years b / c I haven 't had the energy . I would like to on this trip if the weather cooperates . It always brought me comfort , especially if there 's a lot of water . Depending on the weather , sometimes the creek has been dry . It 's been such a rainy summer in this area , that I can 't imagine there 'd be no water ! So maybe I 'll try to venture out there after dinner . Something tells me I might not have too many more chances to do so . I wanted to come to Grandma 's to get away from home for a few days . This has been such a hard summer . The weather has sucked fPosted by When my Grandpa S . died 15 years ago , I got several items from him , including a table , his glass candy dish , and his hope chest . The hope chest has been in my parents ' basement all this time , which I didn 't care about for the first 10 years since I hadn 't moved and then when I did move , I kinda forgot it was there . But the past couple of years , I was really hoping to have it . It needed to be stripped and stained and completely refinished . My mom said last September she 'd do it , and had started , but the stripping stuff was making her ill . I had tried to help her , but that stuff is really lethal ! ! I finally asked Eve in June if she 'd come over to help strip it and stain it , and she spent a Friday afternoon at my parents ' doing just that . So , here are the pictures ! A week after she stained the hope chest , I bought the stuff to put over the finish , and put it on a couple times one of the days that Lisa was here . Finally last week , the hope chest was brought over by Dad and Joanie , and it 's now in my bedroom ! ! I 'm soooooo happy , I just love it ! ! I 'm going to use it to store my Harry Potter books , and a bunch of sweaters and such that won 't fit in my drawers during the winter . I 'm just glad to have another piece of my Grandpa with me here . By the way , when I asked my Dad how old he thought the hope chest was , I thought maybe 1940s or 1930s . He said at least the 1900s ! ! I was shocked ! It makes it even MORE special to me ! ! I 'm an easygoing person , who gets along with just about everyone I meet . I live in a place where the waterfalls are beautiful ! I have grown up with a rare lung condition , called pulmonary hypertension . I have many limits , but they have not stopped me from being a good person and loving my family and friends ! They are very important in my life ! : )
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . Description Rating Title Tunnell , Lawrence Description Oral History of Lawrence Tunnell , Interviewed by Don Hunnicutt , Filmed by BBB Communications , LLC . , February 6 , 2014 Audio Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / audio / Tunnell _ Lawrence . mp3 Video Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / videojs / Tunnell _ Lawrence . htm Transcript Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Final . doc Image Link http : / / coroh . oakridgetn . gov / corohfiles / Transcripts _ and _ photos / Tunnell _ Lawrence / Tunnell _ Lawrence . jpg Collection Name COROH Interviewee Tunnell , Lawrence Interviewer Hunnicutt , Don Type video Language English Subject Atomic Bomb ; Early Settlers ; Gate opening , 1949 ; Highways ; History ; Oak Ridge ( Tenn . ) ; pre - Oak Ridge ; Prophets ; Recreation ; Schools ; World War II ; People Copeland , Nash ; Hendrix , John ; York , Alvin ; Places Grove Center ; Robertsville High School ; Date of Original 2014 Format flv , doc , jpg , mp3 Length 1 hour , 35 minutes File Size 320 MB Source Center for Oak Ridge Oral History Location of Original Oak Ridge Public Library Rights Copy Right by the City of Oak Ridge , Oak Ridge , TN 37830 Disclaimer : " This report was prepared as an account of work sponsored by an agency of the United States Government . Neither the United States Government nor any agency thereof , nor any of their employees , makes any warranty , express or implied , or assumes any legal liability for the accuracy , completeness , or usefulness of any information , apparatus , product , or process disclosed , or represents that process , or service by trade name , trademark , manufacturer , or otherwise do not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement , recommendation , or favoring by the United States Government or any agency thereof . The views and opinions of authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect those of the United States Government or any agency thereof . " The materials in this collection are in the public domain and may be reproduced without the written permission of either the CenteInterviewed by Don Hunnicutt MR . HUNNICUTT : This interview is for the Center of Oak Ridge Oral History . The date is February 6 , 2014 . I am Don Hunnicutt in the law office of Mr . Lawrence Tunnell , 901 Oak Ridge Turnpike , Oak Ridge , Tennessee , to take his oral history about the early years of Oak Ridge , Tennessee . Judge Tunnell , please state your full name , place of birth , and date please . MR . TUNNELL : William Lawrence Tunnell . I use the - just the initial W . Lawrence because there are so many people here named Bill that I didn 't want to be called Bill . They said to effectively practice law you had to have a W in front of your name anyway , such as W . Bufford Luallen and various others had the initial there . I 'm known as Lawrence Tunnell , but my full name is William Lawrence . MR . TUNNELL : The date would be here in Anderson County , and just outside of Oak Ridge within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . I was conceived and was born in the same room in a farmhouse there , which was within 100 yards of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : William Oscar Tunnell . I don 't have his - he died in 1969 , and he died at the farm , which was part of Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : No . They were born right there at the farm , I 'm sure . His name was - I can 't remember his name right this second , but I do know that he was born there in the same house where I was conceived and was born . MR . TUNNELL : It would be something in the Wheat community , I would think . He graduated . He had a brilliant mind my dad did . If I have a good mind at all , it 's a tribute to him . He went to Wheat and graduated with honors from Wheat Institute . I know that the principals of the various schools around the area would come to him and asking questions about things . They would get a book in , and they would think that there 's something wrong with the book . They would come and say " Mr . Tunnell " - they called it " tunnel " then . They didn 't call it Tunnell . It is Tunnell . That 's a correct pronunciation . You don 't hear anyone say Darnell for Donald . They would come down . I remember one time they came down . I was there . They said " Mr . Tunnell , we found a mistake in the book . " They sent it out , and he said " Let me see it . " He looked at it and said " The answer is … " They job that said " No , we don 't think so . " He said " Obviously , that 's what the answer is . " They said " We just don 't understand what you mean . " He said " It 's something about how many posts it takes to build the fence . What you 're not considering is that you have to have a post to start on . " They said " That is right . That would make that right . " He said " That answer is right . " This is one of the things that I remember about him . MR . TUNNELL : That was not part of our farm , but it was part of a farm . There was a colored family up there that had some peaches and so forth . Right there where Orange Lane is , there were a lot of peaches in there . They had a church - a lot of the blacks did . People would frequently ask me if we had any trouble with integration . I said " No , we didn 't know about anything like integration . We had three or four families up there all the time - the Carters , the Griffeys , and the [ inaudible ] . Hank Griffey - she came down and fished at the creek . I remember one experience I had with her . I asked her if I could watch her and be patient , and she said yes . I had my big collie dog with me we always kept on the farm . We sat down on the bank , and I was being as quiet as I could be . But the bank broke loose . I fell out onto the creek . She got real upset and left . But as far as the integration is concerned , we didn 't have any problem because blacks would come down to our house and bring us apples , and we would take things up to them . They would come down to our house and eat meals with us , and we would with them . We never thought anything about it . We didn 't know anything about segregation . MR . HUNNICUTT : There 's a little cemetery at the top of Michigan and Outer Drive on the right after coming up Michigan . I 've been told that it 's the black cemetery . MR . HUNNICUTT : Your father - what type of work did he do on the farm ? Tell me what a typical day in the farm would be like . MR . TUNNELL : It would all depend . He cleaned the farm off - he would clean all the farm off . It was growing up , and it was growing up when I took it over , too . The United States government had let it grow up , and we had to clean it up . He cleaned it off completely . He did it with an ax and a saw - a handsaw , one of those with a handle on each end . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . He used that to clean it off with , and he cleaned it off . His father gave him a suit . I think he said he got married in it . He married my mother when he met her . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the house is still there , and John Hannings became the chancellor in Knoxville . Yeah - no he was not that chancellor . He was in charge of everything for the chancellor over there . He did a great job at it . In fact , I have some things I took over to him numerous times when I was practicing law . MR . TUNNELL : I had Blanche , and I had a brother named Jim . He died of cancer while I was in the service . I didn 't get to come back to see him . My son , who died with cancer also , had the same name - Jim . They were both named James Thomas . That 's most unusual I think . MR . TUNNELL : I would be third , I guess . Jim was the second . Blanche was first , and Jim was second , and I would be third . Jim - my brother Jim died in at age 33 . He died while I was in the Army . I did never get to see him . MR . TUNNELL : Income of the family - we had turkeys , and we would sell a few turkeys . We had watermelons . We sold watermelons . Watermelon now cost $ 6 . We sold them for 10 cents . Dad had a car that he turned into a truck that he could haul those things in , and he hauled them to Clinton - those little stores . They had all kinds of stores between Robertsville and Clinton . He would deliver those . He would go down as far as Coalfield and deliver them - the watermelons . MR . HUNNICUTT : The road that we call Highway 61 in the back of Oak Ridge was constructed for the Manhattan Project because the city was closed . Was that just a gravel road that ran in that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : There wasn 't any road at all there . There was absolutely no road there - just the railroad was the only thing that was there . It was made while I was in the Army , and when I came back from the Army I saw it . When I came back from the Army in Clinton , I got off of the bus . I caught a cab driver there , and I asked him to take me down to my home . He said that - I told him how to get there , and he said " You have been gone a long time . " I never did talk to Mother and Dad while I was gone . I never spoke a word to them . I was gone for three years , and I didn 't speak to them . He said " There 's a new road that goes right in front of your dad and mother 's house . " I said " What do you mean ? " He said " Yeah , there 's a new road . You don 't have to go the way that you used to have to go way around another way . I 'll take you right up there , and you 'll be right next - when you drive up there , you 'll be right by their front porch . " I was . I was absolutely amazed . When I got to Dossett , and instead of turning off at Dossett to go all the way around right through that area , I went right straight . They built that while I was gone from Oak Ridge . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's where I used to get my papers that I would deliver . I would spend the whole day . I 've often said I was the first businessman in Oak Ridge . I ordered me a bicycle after I got the papers . I carried them just by walking for a long time . After I got enough money , I bought me a bicycle from Sears Roebuck . They delivered it at what had been part of Oak Ridge then - Bacon Springs Road . I picked up my bicycle there and put it together . I would be up there real early in the morning on a Sunday , and I would get my papers and put it in the back . I had a little legs on the back . MR . TUNNELL : The baskets on the back that I put them in . I would take those all over the area of what is now Oak Ridge . It used to be Bacon Springs Road - down there to Key Springs Road , right in that area down there . I would work practically all day with those . I would haul those in the rain and snow and sleet . I would make 65 cents if I collected on all of them after working all day , and that was pretty good money . MR . HUNNICUTT : You mentioned Bacon Springs . Bacon Springs I think is where there 's a pump station . Is that for Oliver Springs water and Marlow and down in there ? MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . There was one that came through right through my office - right here out in front of my office that was Robertsville Pike . MR . HUNNICUTT : This road that we are referring to in front of the office that we call Oak Ridge Turnpike today - it ran from Clinton into the east end of Oak Ridge . Was that a two - lane unpaved as you remember ? MR . TUNNELL : It was just the one lane . There was hardly ever a car . The most I 've driven down through there many times were mules . We had mules that would pull a wagon , and I would be driving the wagon that would be going out to Elza Gate to have wheat to ground up so we could have some bread . We had also coming down that same road - Bacon Springs across the creek , you would go down to John Sweet 's place . I would ride a mule down there on Saturday , and we would get corn ground so we could have cornbread . We took the cornbread and pinto beans , and mother would can tomatoes . That was most of the food you could get . This always staggers everybody that comes in here and listens to this - that you could get 100 pound of beans for $ 1 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . It 's just right across from Key Springs Road . It was up on the hill . There was a $ 1 million house out there right now . It 's sitting right up there in Sweets subdivision . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you 're driving the mule team going to the mills , what was the route ? How was the route that you took to come to the east end of Oak Ridge ? MR . TUNNELL : There was an area there that was close to where Dr . Stanley lives now . It 's a distance back from where Key Springs Road is that you could come up that road , and we used that a lot . I remember one time that my mother fell off of a horse or a mule there , and she almost got killed . I pulled her leg out of the stirrups , and she got up and got back on the horse . I was riding along beside her on the horses when she was going . I don 't know where she was going that day or what she was doing . MR . TUNNELL : There was just a trail that came down through that . They called it Carol Holler . There was a little path that you would go down to Carol Holler , and then off of Carol Holler going to the Turnpike , you would go to the back of where my house is now at 105 Nixon Road . There 's a tree there - a Dogwood tree there now with indications where the road is . It wouldn 't actually be there now because there 's a well in there that John Pig Rogers - they call them Pig because he 's big and fat . He lived there in a little hut approximately where my house is now , and it went on down to what would normally be Robertsville Road . MR . HUNNICUTT : That would probably be about were G Road is today . You come up there on Outer and come down New York Ave . - sort of that direction ? MR . TUNNELL : G Road is still there . G Road is Bacon Springs Road . It 's on the other side of the hill there - G Road is . MR . TUNNELL : We used to cut wood for the fireplace . My first job there was to stack hay . It was just off of the Bacon Springs Road - I stacked hay . My dad had that hay in there , and they took the hay to the barn over there . The mules pulled the hay up into the barn , and it had a lift in it . They would hit that lift , and it would drop the hay off into the loft of the barn . They didn 't bale it then . They just had it like that . MR . TUNNELL : It is somewhere in here . It 's a pair of bib overalls . I have a picture of the school there . It shows everybody had bib overalls , and nobody was fat . Everybody was skinny . They didn 't have all these goodies like they have here today to eat . I hoed the corn there . By myself , Dad said that I was a good worker . So when I was able to hoe it all - that could be one reason I got sick . I don 't know . We had a field there that was a quarter of a mile long , and it had corn planted in it . It was kind of rocky through there . They gave me a hoe which I sharpened good and went to what is Tunnell Springs now . They gave me a can of water down there , and I would stay down there all day and maybe bring me something to eat . MR . TUNNELL : They worked around the house . In fact , we had what was here in Oak Ridge - now where those million - dollar houses are that you can see from my old home place over there now . These houses there on what was leading up to the greenbelt - we had a garden back over there , and my sister and I would go over there and hoe that garden . There was a place over there near Orange Lane that we had corn stuff in there that we worked together . MR . TUNNELL : It 's here now . I 've got a picture . It 's much better of course now than it was then . There 's some of the hay that we had there . Yeah , there 's the house . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it wasn 't cleaned up and fixed up like that . It wasn 't painted . It was grown up and all that sort of stuff . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we drove the horses through what would be Karns community . We went through there . We drove the team of mules through there , too - through what was Parker Brothers Hardware . They had a special harness for mules . I remember Dad would take me in there . MR . TUNNELL : In the Marlow community , about a mile and a half away . My sister and I walked that mile and a half in the rain , snow , and sleet . We didn 't have adequate clothing . No one did at that time . Everybody - my sister doesn 't like to use the word poor , but everybody was the same . You never thought anything about it . You never thought anything about it . We would get real wet going to school . On the muddy road , it didn 't even have any gravel on it . It was a mile and a half , and my sister - to show you how persistent that we are - my sister went to school for 13 years and didn 't miss a day , and wasn 't ever tardy . MR . TUNNELL : That 's right . Somebody said when I was practicing law that if you 're going to a job I had to do in Wartburg , they said it comes a heavy dew down there that they close it . That 's right I think . MR . TUNNELL : There were several . This is my wife here . She just walked in . I 'm on TV , Honey . They 're recording me . This school - it was a four - room with a big auditorium . In the morning , the first thing we would do is march around the auditorium - all the way around it . They would read the Bible and sing a song . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , that 's right . It was a primer - they call that the primer . Let me may say that all the years that I attended , there was only one time that anybody ever made a better grade than I did . I thought it was the end of the world when that happened . I made top grades all the way through school . MR . TUNNELL : They did , and my sister dressed in some of her underclothes and things that were made out of sacking material that you got out of those things that you buy that had flour in them . They would buy flour sometimes , and they would make things out of that for the girls to wear . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , an exceptional one . People called on her , and they 're using her recipes right now . I remember one time that somebody called her and asked her because she had given a recipe , and she said " I just put a pinch of this in and a pinch of that . " That 's the way she did it . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , she was quite a lady . I got sick - real sick , and she gave me life three times . I was sick one time when I was seven or eight years old , and the doctor told me just to take me back home and let me die - that I couldn 't live . I got TB after I practiced law a while , and the doctor said I wouldn 't make it then . She said that I did make it . I came home and stayed by myself . My wife at that time left , and I stayed at home by myself . Jim - he stayed with me . Mother came over and brought the food to me . I got well again , and I came back here to work . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , there 's a Cantrell , who was the grandfather of Dale Cantrell , the lawyer over Clinton now . I remember him . I remember Davis . Yeah , right there is my picture . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . That 's when I came back from the Army . It was the first month I was in the Army , I came back and graduated from high school . They wouldn 't let me stay at the high school until I graduated . I had to go into the Army . The person who is in charge … MR . TUNNELL : That 's the one that was taken after I came back from being in the Army one month . They wouldn 't let me stay there one month - wouldn 't let me continue . That 's the reason I 'm in uniform . I came back in uniform to graduate from Robertsville High School . I remember the man who was chairman of the draft boards told me . I said " Can you give me an extension of just one month ? " He said " Only thing that we will give you is a gun . " When I came back to practice law , he was still practicing in Clinton . The first three cases that I had I think were where he would oppose me . I won all three of them . He said to me " I can 't believe that anybody would be prepared like this . " I said " I remember one time that you told me that you would give me - the only thing that you would give me would be a gun ; so I 'm telling you right now that anytime that you oppose me , the only thing I 'm going to give you is hell , and I 'm going to pour it on you . You look so incompetent to me now . I just resent the fact that you wouldn 't let me have that one month there . " MR . TUNNELL : The fireplace and the wood . That 's one of my jobs when I came in from school - cut wood . There was a wooded area there that I would go out in there and cut wood . We would use it sometimes . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , the fireplace was in the kitchen . It was open in the kitchen and the living room . I remember many times we didn 't have very good lighting - just a kerosene light . We didn 't have the kerosene sometimes to light with . I would sit in the middle of the night with a fire , or I would lie down on my stomach and lean right up against the fire and have my textbooks here that I would be reading and studying . I had good eyes and I could see well . That 's the way Abraham Lincoln did . I got a kick out of that . MR . TUNNELL : I guess in grade school it would be arithmetic . I liked arithmetic . Geography - I liked it , too . English was my outstanding subject in high school . MR . HUNNICUTT : Let 's go back a little bit where you talked about the Robertsville Road , which we are calling the Turnpike now . How do you remember that road was routed between Oak Ridge and Oliver Springs ? MR . TUNNELL : It was approximately the same as it is now . There have been some improvements on it . It was approximately the same route as it is now . MR . HUNNICUTT : It didn 't turn on Robertsville by the community center and then go up by Lockett Store , which was on the corner of Robertsville and I believe Raleigh . I 'm not sure of the name of that street . MR . TUNNELL : It was just a small little store . It kind of looks like a house . They kind of look like a house . You could drive in there . Mr . Lockett - we all knew him real well . He had a girl in there that I went to high school with . She was right beside me there . She was a very beautiful girl . He had adopted her . He had taken her in . Her name was McCoy . MR . TUNNELL : I guess they didn 't use the car to travel into those areas . It must 've been later on that they got the car after it was developed a little bit more . I don 't remember us having a car when I was riding the mules . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was a house that set next to the Grove Theater when Oak Ridge was built . Do you recall the family that lived in it ? MR . TUNNELL : It was the Millers at Clinton , I think . The thing about that - the significant thing about that when I was growing up was that they had a murder there that was - Bill Key had a store that I 'm thinking about that we haven 't mentioned . Bill Key 's store - we were talking about another store . Bill Key 's store was right on the road leading to Oliver Springs , and it was right up from the high school - Robertsville High School . These people - they got in a cab , and that was in 1918 , I believe . I just heard them talking about it . I wasn 't there . But I did know all the story about it - that they had a murder there . I think there were three people - two or three people that were murdered there . One of them saved his life by putting his head down in that spring . The blood was pouring out of his neck . They cut their throats , and they left , and this fellow put his head down in the water . He went down to Mr . Key 's store . They finally got him medical assistance , and he lived . They hanged those guys - they hanged all of them for first - degree murder for killing those people . MR . TUNNELL : You had to go to Clinton . The only time I remember - my mother was sick . They had a car then , and they would drive up there . Dr . Hicks was a doctor in Clinton . I went to the doctor in Powell they thought could help me , and he 's the one that told them to take me back home and let me die , that I couldn 't live . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , we did . Mother and I came right up to Key Springs Road . I had a big collie dog , and the cows had bells on them . See the bells up there ? MR . TUNNELL : The cows had bells like that , and the dog - one of them had a bell on . When he would hear that bell , the dog would run to the bell . When he would bring that cow in to us , then the rest of them would follow in . We would milk the cows . Mother and I would walk over to that and gather the milk back . She would dip the cream off and sell the cream , and we only had the Blue John they would call it . She would sell the cream to a creamery company in Knoxville . They would come by and pick it up , and we would get a little extra money that way . On the way up to there , they were making liquor and moonshine on our land . It was on our land - actually on our land . Mother would speak to them . They would say " Is there a John or Sam or Lewis ? " That would always amazed me that you can look down there and see where they were making liquor . MR . TUNNELL : Later on we had an icebox , but most of the time we kept it down there in what they called the Tunnell Springs Farm . It was in the water . That 's where I got my water when I was hoeing corn down there . I would hoe corn all day by myself . MR . TUNNELL : It 's a quarter of a mile I guess . We would walk over there . That 's where we got good drinking water sometimes . We had a well there , and the well only had to be 20 feet deep to have plenty of water in it because the creek is all down low in there . Down there in the fields now you can dig down just a few feet , and you can hit water . MR . TUNNELL : Absolutely not at all . It didn 't have any - when I came back from the Army , it didn 't have any of that either . It was 1945 . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah . We were not too warm in the winter . I slept upstairs where we didn 't have any heat at all . I remember one time my mother came up there , and we had 13 quilts on us . Jim and I had 13 quilts on us . She made those quilts . That 's when a lot of the women came to our house , and that 's how they socialized . They would work on quilts . Mother had 100 quilts , I think , she had quilted when she died . MR . TUNNELL : No , we didn 't even have a telephone when I came back from the Army . I spent three years overseas , and I never spoke to my people while I was gone . MR . TUNNELL : I was in Casablanca . That is some distance down from Cairo , Egypt . I don 't know why I was down there , but I was there that night . I couldn 't believe it when I heard that . That woman 's name was Lee , I think . MR . TUNNELL : I was just happy and joyful to know about it . Later on , I had breakfast in the morning with a fellow who shaped up that bomb could drop for the second one - what they call the big one . MR . HUNNICUTT : Back to churches in the area - we mentioned the West Church in the Grove Center area . You remember another one on Iroquois Avenue ? It was a church that was here in the beginning , but I don 't recall the face of the church . It 's there today . It 's been remodeled . MR . TUNNELL : Right in there , they had a big , big church there . It was a Methodist Church , and that 's where most of the people attended here actually . MR . HUNNICUTT : There was another church at the corner of Arkansas on the Turnpike . Arkansas was out in the East End where there was East Village Shell . Nash Copeland had a gas station - a Texaco station there . MR . TUNNELL : I can 't remember . I can remember there was one there , but I can 't remember anything about it . The big one was that Methodist Church right there . MR . TUNNELL : I know more about his son that I do him . Of course that was before my time when John was here . He had a son and a daughter , and his son had a wonderful mind . He was politically inspired . He did like Roosevelt , and he did like Eleanor . He wrote a poem . Could you read that into there ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , let 's jump ahead a little bit . When you came back from the Army , tell me about your further education and what you did . MR . TUNNELL : When I got to the - we were on the Ile - de - France , and have a picture out here that you want to - it 's out there in the waiting room . You 'll want to get a picture of that . We were on that thing 52 days . We went from Oakland , California - went from Pearl Harbor to Australia and New Zealand , and then around the Indian Ocean into the Persian Gulf . I was assigned eventually to Tehran in Iran , where they have the Roosevelt and Churchill and Stalin had their conference there one time . I was about 22 or 23 - years - old when I was there that time , and they promoted me on the basis of - they sent me down there - I had a captain sitting here like this , and I was sitting over there . I was just an assistant . They had those pretty Persian girls , and I referred to the officers as being happily married man with a steady girlfriend in Iran - in Tehran . We had 15 people killed there one time , and I went into [ inaudible ] Russia with him and got all the information on that . I sent it back by code to the Pentagon , and the Pentagon brought it back . We had a colonel who was going to be promoted to general . They stopped the promotion because as he said - " I had messed up , and they threw it in my face when they called me in and said I messed up on it . " I said " The Pentagon is the one messed up . If you know your job is on the line , you know that this is ludicrous . They have made a mistake . " He said " You 're telling all generals and all them at the Pentagon mistake ? " I said " Yes , I am . " He said " But you only weigh 136 , and the [ inaudible ] said can you imagine that ? We 're 5 , 000 miles away . " I says " Yeah , if you know your job - again , I hate to be redundant on it . But if you know your job as I know mine , you would know it 's so simple to look at it . " He said " What do you mean ? " I said " I sent that in on the last day of the last month , and they changed the code - as you know or should know - the first of this month . So they received this on the first of this month , and they areMR . HUNNICUTT : You got out of the Army - what was the date ? MR . TUNNELL : No , I don 't . It was done by the Turnpike here . That 's all I remember . MR . HUNNICUTT : When you got out of the Army , tell me about your further education . MR . TUNNELL : When I came home , I stayed at home . I was in charge of that office , and there were 34 men under me . By the way , they offered me if I would stay on one more year that they would put the captain 's bars out there . They said " We will pin these on you right now to commission you as an officer or captain in the United States Army . " I said " If you could go across the street and get the generals two stars , I wouldn 't accept it . I 'm going back home . You can keep me here because I 've got 80 - some points . You can 't keep me if I 've had as many as 30 or 40 . I 've been over that long . " So I came on back home . When I got home , that was the first time I had spoken to my parents in three years . I got home in the middle of the night . I told you how the road came through there . I stayed there three days , and then I went into Knoxville and got a job . You couldn 't get a job anywhere then . You couldn 't buy a car . You couldn 't do anything . I went to Knoxville , and I was interested in politics . Guy Jones was the head of the Knoxville Journal . I went to him , and he got me a job working for Cas Walker . I worked for Cas . I could go in anytime I wanted to work because he said I was the best worker he ever had . MR . TUNNELL : Cas Walker was an unusual man . He knew how to sell things , but he was basically a fantastically dishonest fellow . I told him - I got the privilege . I didn 't say a thing while I was there . I remember on one occasion what just destroyed me is an elderly man came in . He was probably in his late 70s . He could hardly get around . He came in , and I remember that Cas asked him - his manager , who is his son - in - law , asked him if he would go and see what that man wanted . He said he wanted a washtub . They were hard to find because it 's metal . They went over to him , and said " Mr . Jones " - or whatever his name was - " I heard you came in to get a washtub . I respect you as a client here . You 're just a good customer . I 've got two on hand here in the back . " He maybe had for 15 or 20 in the back there . He had got a whole big shipment of them in . He said " I 'm going to give you a special deal on it . " They were selling for $ 3 or something . He said " I 'm going to let you have this thing for $ 6 or $ 5 . " He said " I surely do appreciate this , Mr . Walker . The Lord will bless you for being good to people like me . " When I got to go off to school , he said " I 've got a job for you , Lawrence . I want you to take over all the stores and be the manager over all of them . You 'll be in the office most of the time . You will go by the stores once in a while . We 're just very impressed with your knowledge about everything . " I said " Nope . I am not going to take that job . I won 't take that . This does give me the opportunity to tell you what I think of you . " He said " What is that ? " I said " I can look you right in the face and tell you that I believe you are the most dishonest person I have ever met . " That 's the way I felt about him . I remember at that store that one day I saw a fellow sell liquor out of a pushcart . I said " Look at that guy , he 's selling liquor and moonshine out of that cart . " He said " Yeah . You know who that is , don 't you ? " I said " No . " He said " ThMR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you first set up your law office ? MR . TUNNELL : Right here . Just right there in that little place right there . It was about a 5 - by - 10 place . Mr . Mitchell was from Alabama , and he got me started there . I paid $ 50 a month for this place . Now I 've got a conference room right there - a big conference room . I have the best law library in East Tennessee . Of course the books are not worth that much now . I hired Brad out there to take care of the technical stuff now that we use . MR . TUNNELL : It was just general practice . I swept the chicken manure off the front porch of some of the places . We had what they would collect JP court . I would go to places like Lordsburg and down there . We would hold court on his front porch , and the chicken manure would be all over . I would sweep them off so that people wouldn 't get involved in it . Later on his son was my best friend - early on , his son was my best friend of law school . He was elected a judge over Knoxville . MR . TUNNELL : We had some kind of case involving a lawyer in Clinton against the same person . I believe that was up that Jackson . I can 't remember specifically what it was . It was something involving property . I knew property real well . I went to Harvard just in small town after I got out of law school . I enjoyed being there at Cambridge . I spent some time in Cambridge , Massachusetts . MR . TUNNELL : I can tell you Hancock Kirby had a car dealership here . He was a very wealthy fellow . Some guy came by and wanted to try out a car he saw there . He 's supposed to go just a mile or two and bring it right back . He left with the car , and he went down to Athens . Athens had a lawyer by the name of Frank Bratton . I 'll never forget the name . That fellow pulled that car out in front of the school bus , and they had a terrible wreck . Somebody was killed , and one was severely injured - brain - damaged . Frank Bratton sued on that , and he was the leading lawyer in the state of Tennessee at that time . All the judges respected him . It ended up in Federal Court . I had just been admitted to practice in Federal Court . I went down to Chattanooga to hear that case . They had a judge there from Harvard that had graduated from Harvard name Judge Miller . Frank would bring up all the sophisticated things , and he would say to them " Now I have to explain this to you . Mr . Bratton is a great lawyer . He is one of the great lawyers in the state of Tennessee . " I said " Explain it to me . I 'm young , too . I 'm not familiar with all the facts and techniques they use in these cases . " What it came down to in the end - the judge says " Is there anything further ? " I said " I have a motion to make , Your Honor . I have worked for three months on this case , and I came across a case I think just recently that is exactly like this case , and it was dismissed . I respectfully submit … " I told him what the case was and read a little bit of it . He said " Mr . Tunnell , I remember reading - I thought I remembered that case , too . I spent most of the night last night with my law clerk looking , and we found that case last night . Mr . Bratton , you know that Mr . Tunnell has brought a case in here that is exactly on point on this . I have no alternative except to dismiss this case . " I thought old Frank would fall out of his chair when he said that to him because there were millions of dollars that they were going to find for , and no MR . HUNNICUTT : Where did you meet your first wife ? MR . TUNNELL : Margie . She was Margie Goot . My wife left me when I got sick when I was here , and when I came back , I got sick right here in this office . She left me , and I divorced her . She died , but I was good to her and my son . I gave them a place to live . I have a lot of property now . I bought a lot of property . I 've done well . When they sold Oak Ridge , I had probably in 1 , 000 or more of those sales around $ 200 on each one of them . I made lots of money at that time . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it is . I bought the interest of everybody else out . Also , I bought a lot more . Oak Ridge abandoned that part of the farm from the greenbelt down over to the highway . I bought it back from people . They had a sale that I didn 't know about , but I bought it back . It had all grown up , but I had cleaned it off . People thought I could never clean it off , but I did . I did that by myself . MR . HUNNICUTT : How do you see that the city has progressed or receded over the years ? Has the city - what 's your overall view of how the city is today ? MR . TUNNELL : The city is very political unless you go along with everything that they say . For example , they are basically against " in God we trust " on top of my building out there . MR . HUNNICUTT : I understand . MR . TUNNELL : None of them appeared up here when they put the sign up here . Also , they told me I couldn 't put mine up , so I put it up anyway . They haven 't come down . We are going to try - [ inaudible ] will represent me in it , too . If they ever take it down , we are going to try to have a jury trial to determine . We are going to file a motion for them to stop the procedure , and then we 're going to ask for jury trial of 12 people out in Anderson County to decide or wherever they happen to be from . MR . HUNNICUTT : I kind of doubt if that will ever happen . Knowing you and the people knowing you , I probably wouldn 't venture that would happen . MR . TUNNELL : That 's a hard question . It 's been when they changed the city managers - when they changed the city manager . I remember they had some - I was down there one night , and the guy that I was representing got up . He started to cut the fellow 's throat , and I was right there with him . I backed him out of the building , and they had people all around us . The officers came in . He had committed homicide on two or three people - at least one person . The trial was dismissed because somebody was after his wife I think or somebody , and he killed him . I was down there in the city right there , and that night it was right there with the court meets now . MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , it really was . I was absolutely frightened out of my wits . He said " I 'm going to roll that fellow 's head down the steps . " MR . HUNNICUTT : One thing that I want to bring up - someone told me at one time you had the title of mayor of Marlow . What is the story there ? MR . TUNNELL : We had a case - I 'm still the mayor . Don 't say you can 't live in Oak Ridge and not be the mayor of somewhere else . George Dumpster - he was in Knoxville all the time . He lived at the airport all the time in Knoxville , and he was the mayor of Knoxville . He lived strictly in Jefferson County or somewhere down there . I use that as an example . I had a case going , and this fellow got up . He told us how brilliant he was . He had a case that he was relying on , and I got up and told the judge that I was relying on that case , too . But it was a different case . I said " I 'm relying on it in a different way . This young lawyer - I said I admit that he 's brilliant . He 's exceeded everything that I 've ever done in my life . But I just wondered where he was the third year of law school because the third year of law school you learn that this particular case that he 's been citing was repealed by the state Supreme Court , in the case that repealed it is right here . " I gave the judge the name of the case , and he said " Sir , that is … " I said , " As far as being mayor of someplace , I don 't think that has any bearing on it regardless of being mayor Knoxville . That doesn 't have anything to do with this particular case . I 'm the mayor down in Marlow , " and I don 't know why I said that . I said " I don 't use that to try to influence the court . " He looked over to him , and he began to turn kind of pale . He said " You know , I will have to dismiss the case . You don 't have anything differently , do you , then what Mr . Tunnell has on this ? " He said " No , I don 't . I really didn 't know that . " I said " During all his brilliant studies , he doesn 't know much of the law , does he , Your Honor ? " As I started to go outside , some fellow stayed there all the time and watched all the cases . He said " It 's wonderful to be young and enthusiastic , isn 't it ? It 's a hell of a lot better to know what you 're doing , isn 't it ? " That was a great moment . MR . TUNNELL : Let me see here . I 'll tell you about one thing that happened that I thought - the fact that I picked the blackberries for 10 cents a gallon . Some fellow offered me 15 cents a gallon if I would pick for him for a week . His name was Ben Nance , and he was from Knoxville . I carried those to the depot out at Marlow station . For four or five days , I picked it , and it was $ 1 . 50 a day instead of a dollar . I was really happy about that , and he was going to pay me all of it on Saturday . When it came Saturday , he never did show up . I had a half a gallon for them there on that day . He was going to pay me 15 cents a gallon , but he didn 't even show up . I lost the whole week of work of picking . Another thing that I thought influenced me a lot and I think about a lot is that you could get an egg . If you get an egg , everything was bartering . You didn 't have money much to pay for anything . I crawled out of the house one time , and I got an egg . Mother gave me that one egg to go take it to the store and to get some candy with . With one egg , you could get a great big bag of candy . I got those chocolate drops , and I took it out to what was Bill Jones ' little store . There were three or four people that had a store on their front porch . The day they put it on the front porch , and at night they would put it inside the house . He had a little stand in there where you could put your stuff in there . I asked that he said " What can I do for you ? " I said " I want this egg , and I want to get some candy with it . " He said " Oh , yeah . What kind ? " I showed him what kind and put my egg out there . He got it out and filled this big bag up with drops - candy drops . Just as he turned around to hand it to me , the egg rolled off of the counter and broke . He put my candy back in the barrel he had the candy in . That 's kind of a sad thing . I walked a mile and a half to get to that . MR . HUNNICUTT : I was just sitting here thinking about - how did he know whether the egg was good or bad and he was willing to trade with you . He could 've gotten a bad egg , and you could 've gotten good candy . It didn 't turn out that way . Judge , it 's been my pleasure to interview you . Definitely will be a big contribution to the Center for Oak Ridge Oral History , and whoever may pull it up and read about it will be very pleased with the information that you 've given us today . MR . TUNNELL : I 'm pleased here . I got the building here . I bought the building . That 's one thing we didn 't cover . I bought it from people from time to time . There were 17 of us that bought the building to begin with , and I was the unlucky one just to keep buying it . I bought the whole thing . It 's in my name alone now . It 's a corporation . I 'm the only stockholder in the corporation . MR . HUNNICUTT : That brings up one final question here for you . What was in this building originally in the early days ? I remember one time the telephone company was in either this building are the one that 's been torn down . MR . TUNNELL : It was in this building - the telephone company was in this east one . This was built for Eastman , and it has been declared a historical place . When they selected it as being the best kept building in Oak Ridge , I was the first one . I think you should get a picture of that ship I was on and all those pictures outside in my hallway . Could you get that ? MR . HUNNICUTT : Is there anything else that you 'd like to recall that we haven 't talked about ? We could probably sit here all day and think about a lot of things . MR . TUNNELL : I 've got all these things . This is the best thing that 's ever happened to me is Miss Margie here . We are so happy together . We 've been married 18 or 19 years . By the way , I did practice law with Howard Baker . I graduated law school at the same time Howard did . We were good friends together . MR . TUNNELL : Well , with Howard Baker . I believe that the only time Howard practiced law could 've been with me because we had some cases down here just outside of Oak Ridge , where the mining company had let the water drain down . It got real deep , and the silt from the mining washing - we filed suit against that . Howard and I handled that . Sgt . York - we went over one time to Pall Mall , where the sergeant lived . Somehow - I don 't know . We went down to his house where they had bought this beautiful place down there . The government had bought that for him , and the state of Tennessee had given him several acres of land . There 's a big stream that ran down through there . Anyhow , we got to talk to him one time , and he just fell in love with my son . We would go over frequently and talk to him . Ms . Gracie would come to the door , and she would invite us in . We would go in , and he would talk to us . He would tell us about how he killed all those people over there . He told us reluctantly - he did . Jim said " You did that all by yourself ? " He started crying and said " God was with me . No person could have walked up that hill with them shooting right straight at you as good as they were without the Lord being directly . He was with me . God was . He was with me . When I came back , they tried to get me to take a $ 1 million to tour the United States , but I said this uniform ain 't for sale . " I thought that was great . We went over there one time to see him , and he was pretty sick . We knocked on the door , and Gracie came to the door . She said " I 'm sorry . I don 't think that we can see you today . He has already turned down a United States senator and a governor . They all wanted to come in and talk to him . They came here , and he said he didn 't feel like it . However , he might have a different opinion about Jim . He loves that child so much . " She went in and came back and said " You all come on in . " We went in . That 's the time that he took the picture there . I remember Jim said " Where did you learn to shoMR . HUNNICUTT : Sgt . Alvin York was a World War I hero that had killed a lot of Germans single - handedly and saved his regimen or his group of men . MR . TUNNELL : That 's what he did . On this thing , he went up that mountain , and he captured way over 100 . He killed about 30 , I think maybe . He had a whole bunch that were right in front of him , and he was shooting them from behind because he learned how to do that shooting squirrels or something . When you see two or three that were lined up or turkey - that you could shoot the one from behind , and the one in front didn 't know that the one behind was falling . He used that same technique . When he captured all these people , they went up to the place - they surrendered to him and put up the white flag . He got up there and said " Where are all the American forces ? " They said " They are to the left . " He said " Platoon right . " He turned them to the right , and they came and down through there and said he came at all these people . They said " By God , here comes Alvin York . He 's captured the whole German Army . " MR . TUNNELL : Yeah , he lived there with him . He definitely did . He lived with them all the time and learned how to speak and talk his language and everything . I watched the show . I 've seen it several times . Of course , it was fantastic . MR . TUNNELL : Cooper did a fantastic job on that . When they got it done , he wanted to take a picture of Jim . I said " Do you think they 'll take a picture ? " When he said that , he said " Yeah , " and he put his arm around Jim , and I took that picture of them there with Jim . He loved Sgt . York . He had that in his room when he died - Jim did . MR . HUNNICUTT : Judge , thank you again for letting us come into your office and take this interview . It 's been my pleasure to do that . [ End of Interview ]
Peace Pilgrim : Her Life and Work in Her Own Words CHAPTER 6 : Solving Life 's Problems THE PURPOSE OF PROBLEMS is to push you toward obedience to God 's laws , which are exact and cannot be changed . We have the free will to obey them or disobey them . Obedience will bring harmony , disobedience will bring you more problems . Likewise , when societies get out of harmony , problems develop within the society . Collective problems . Their purpose is to push the whole society toward harmony . Individuals can discover that they can not only grow and learn through individual problem solving , they can learn and grow through collective problem solving . I often say I 've run out of personal problems , then every once in a while a little one presents itself somewhere . But I hardly recognize it as a problem because it seems so insignificant . Actually , I want to do all my learning and growing now by helping to solve collective problems . There was a time when I thought it was a nuisance to be confronted with a problem . I tried to get rid of it . I tried to get somebody else to solve it for me . But that time was long ago . It was a great day in my life when I discovered the wonderful purpose of problems . Yes , they have a wonderful purpose . Some people wish for a life of no problems , but I would never wish such a life for any of you . What I wish for you is the great inner strength to solve your problems meaningfully and grow . Problems are learning and growing experiences . A life without problems would be a barren existence , without the opportunity for spiritual growth . I once met a woman who had virtually no problems . I was on a late - night radio program in New York City . This woman called the station and wanted me to come to her home . I was intending to spend the night at the bus station , so I said okay . She sent her chauffeur for me , and I found myself in a millionaire 's home , talking to a middle - aged woman who seemed like a child . She was so immature , and I wondered at her immaturity , until I realized that the woman had been shielded from all problems by a group of servants and lawyers . She had never come to grips with life . She had not had problems to grow on , and therefore had not grown . Problems are blessings in disguise ! * * * Were I to solve problems for others they would remain stagnant ; they would never grow . It would be a great injustice to them . My approach is to help with cause rather than effect . When I help others , it is by instilling within them the inspiration to work out problems by themselves . If you feed a man a meal , you only feed him for a day - - but if you teach a man to grow food , you feed him for a lifetime . It is through solving problems correctly that we grow spiritually . We are never given a burden unless we have the capacity to overcome it . If a great problem is set before you , this merely indicates that you have the great inner strength to solve a great problem . There is never really anything to be discouraged about , because difficulties are opportunities for inner growth , and the greater the difficulty the greater the opportunity for growth . * * * Difficulties with material things often come to remind us that our concentration should be on spiritual things instead of material things . Sometimes difficulties of the body come to show that the body is just a transient garment , and that the reality is the indestructible essence which activates the body . But when we can say , " Thank God for problems which are sent for our spiritual growth , " they are problems no longer . They then become opportunities . Let me tell you a story of a woman who had a personal problem . She lived constantly with pain . It was something in her back . I can still see her , arranging the pillows behind her back so it wouldn 't hurt quite so much . She was quite bitter about this . I talked to her about the wonderful purpose of problems in our lives , and I tried to inspire her to think about God instead of her problems . I must have been successful to some degree , because one night after she had gone to bed she got to thinking about God . " God regards me , this little grain of dust , as so important that he sends me just the right problems to grow on , " she began thinking . And she turned to God and said , " Oh , dear God , thank you for this pain through which I may grow closer to thee . " Then the pain was gone and it has never returned . Perhaps that 's what it means when it says : ' In all things be thankful . ' Maybe more often we should pray the prayer of thankfulness for our problems . * * * Many common problems are caused by wrong attitudes . People see themselves as the center of the universe and judge everything as it relates to them . Naturally you won 't be happy that way . You can only be happy when you see things in proper perspective : all human beings are of equal importance in God 's sight , and have a job to do in the divine plan . I 'll give you an example of a woman who had some difficulty finding out what her job was in the divine plan . She was in her early forties , single , and needed to earn a living . She hated her work to the extent that it made her sick , and the first thing she did was to go to a psychiatrist who said he would adjust her to her job . So after some adjustment she went back to work . But she still hated her job . She got sick again and then came to me . Well , I asked what her calling was , and she said , " I 'm not called to do anything . " That was not true . What she really meant was she didn 't know her calling . So I asked her what she liked to do because if it is your calling you will do it as easily and joyously as I walk my pilgrimage . I found she liked to do three things . She liked to play the piano , but wasn 't good enough to earn her living at that . She liked to swim , but wasn 't good enough to be a swimming instructor , and she liked to work with flowers . I got her a job in a florist shop so she could earn her living working with flowers . She loved it . She said she would do it for nothing . But we used the other things too . Remember , she needed more than just a livelihood . She needed other things . The swimming became her exercise . It fits in with sensible living habits . The piano playing became her path of service . She went to a retirement home and played the old songs for the people there . She got them to sing , and she was good at that . Out of those three things such a beautiful life was built for that woman . She became a very attractive woman and married a year or so later . She stayed right in that life pattern . * * * I knew another woman who was confined to her room and had been there for quite some time . I went in to see her and I could tell immediately from the lines in her face and the tenseness of her that it wasn 't physical at all . And I don 't think I had talked to her for more than five minutes before she was telling me all about how mean her sister had been to her . The way she told it , I knew she had told that story again and again and mulled over in her mind constantly that bitterness against her sister . I found myself explaining to her that if she would forgive , ask forgiveness , and make peace with her sister , then she could look for an improvement in her health . " Huh ! " she said . " I 'd rather die . You have no idea how mean she was . " So the situation drifted for awhile . But early one morning at dawn this woman wrote a beautiful and inspired letter to her sister , which she showed to me . ( There is something very wonderful to be said about dawn . Sunset is good , too . The only thing is , at sunset most everybody is awake and they 're hurrying and scurrying around . At dawn most everybody is slowed down or asleep and they are much more harmonious when they 're asleep . So dawn is often a good time for spiritual things . ) I immediately went into town and mailed the letter before she could change her mind . When I got back , she had changed her mind - - so it 's a good thing I had mailed it ! She worried a little , but by return mail came a letter from her sister , and her sister was so glad they were to be reconciled . And you know , on the same day that letter arrived from her sister the woman was up and around and out of bed , and the last I saw of her she was joyously off for a reconciliation with her sister . No one should enter the family pattern unless one is as much called into it as I was called to my pilgrimage . Otherwise , there will be tragedy . I can remember a woman who couldn 't get along with her husband and I could see they didn 't have anything in common . I finally said to her , " Why in the world did you marry that man in the first place ? " And she said , " All my girlfriends were getting married and he was the best I could do at the time . " This happens all the time . Do you wonder why there are so many divorces ? People get into the family pattern without being called into it . Emotional attachment can be a terrible thing . When I was working with people who had problems it often was a problem of some emotional attachment that obviously needed to be broken . One was a sixteen year old girl . By now she is probably happily married to somebody else . I always say time heals all wounds , but she thought then that her heart was broken because her boyfriend had married someone else . Although she had a hard time coming through it , after a time she was able to look upon it philosophically . It does take time . In fact , sometimes people recover quicker from the death of a loved one than from a loved one who has left them . On the Worry Habit . Live this day ! Yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow is only a vision , but today well - lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope . Never agonize over the past or worry over the future . Live this day and live it well . Worry is a habit . It is something that can be worked on . I call it relinquishment of the worry habit . There are techniques that help . I talk to some beautiful church people and I discover they still worry . It 's a total waste of time and energy . If you are a praying person who prays with faith , you would immediately , and automatically , take what you 're worried about to God in prayer and leave it in God 's hands - - the best possible hands . This is one technique which is excellent . In the beginning you may have to take it back to God quite a number of times before you develop the habit ( which I have developed ) of always doing everything you can in a situation , and then leaving the rest safely in God 's hands . How often are you worrying about the present moment ? The present is usually all right . If you 're worrying , you 're either agonizing over the past which you should have forgotten long ago , or else you 're apprehensive over the future which hasn 't even come yet . We tend to skim right over the present moment which is the only moment God gives any of us to live . If you don 't live the present moment , you never get around to living at all . And if you do live the present moment , you tend not to worry . For me , every moment is a new and wonderful opportunity to be of service . On the Anger Habit . I 'll mention here a couple of other habits . One of them is the anger habit . Tremendous energy comes with anger . It 's sometimes called the anger energy . Do not suppress it : that would hurt you inside . Do not express it : this would not only hurt you inside , it would cause ripples in your surroundings . What you do is transform it . You somehow use that tremendous energy constructively on a task that needs to be done , or in a beneficial form of exercise . The best way to talk to you about this is to tell you what some people actually did . For instance , one woman washed all the windows in the house , another woman vacuumed the house whether it needed it or not , and another baked bread - - nice , whole grain bread . And another one sat down and played the piano : wild marches at first , then she 'd cool down and play gentle things like hymns and lullabies , and then I knew she was all right . There was a man who got out his manual lawnmower . Remember , the manual lawnmower has no motor . You may never have seen one ! And he mowed his big lawn . I was staying next door to him . Then one day he came over and borrowed his neighbor 's power lawnmower . I spoke to him about it and he said , " Oh , without the anger energy I could never mow that big lawn with a manual lawnmower . " You see , it 's really tremendous energy . Then there was this man who saved his marriage . He had such a bad temper that his young wife was about to leave him and take their two small children along . And he said , " I 'm going to do something about this ! " And he did . Whenever he felt a temper tantrum coming on , instead of throwing things all over the house which had been his previous custom , he got out there and jogged . Round and round the block , until he was all out of breath and the energy was all gone - - and he saved his marriage . It worked . I saw him again years later , and I asked him , " Well , are you still jogging ? " " Oh , a little bit for exercise , " he said , " but I haven 't had a temper tantrum for years . " As you use the energy constructively you lose the anger habit . These techniques have also worked with children . I recall one ten year old boy . I was trying to help his mother because she was having an awful time with him . He got temper tantrums and one time , when he was not having a tantrum , I asked him , " Of all the things you do what takes the most energy ? " And he said , " I guess running up the hill in the back of the house . " And so we found a wonderful solution . Every time his mother saw the sign of a temper tantrum she would push him out the door and say , " Go run up the hill . " It worked so well that when a teacher told me she was having a similar problem with a boy about the same age I suggested she tell him to run around the schoolhouse , and that worked too . Now I 'll tell you about another couple . They got mad at the same time , and they decided to walk around the block . One walked one way and one walked the other way , but they met at frequent intervals . And when they could meet amicably they walked home together and discussed what had caused their angers and what could be done to remedy it in the future . This was a very wise thing to do . You should never try to talk to someone who is angry , because that person is not rational at that time . I 'll tell one more story about a young mother . She has three children under school age and she said , " When I get mad I feel like running , but I can 't . I can 't leave my three small children . And I usually end up taking it out on them . " I said to her , " Have you ever tried running in place ? " And I could just see her running in place . Now , I haven 't the slightest fear . God is always with me . But I had a friend who was afraid of a certain ethnic group of people . Her husband had been transferred to another place and she found herself living among this group of people whom she had always feared . I worked with her and first got her acquainted with the music of these people , because she was a musician . Then I found a woman of this particular group who had two children about the same age as my friend 's two children , and we went to see her . The two little boys ran off together , the two little girls ran off together , and then we proceeded to get acquainted . Of course , they became fast friends . I remember the time they attended one another 's churches . It was a lovely thing . One Sunday they both went to one church and another Sunday they both went to the other church . It was very interesting that when they got to know each other they discovered that their likenesses were much greater than their differences . They came to love each other when they got to know each other . I knew a lady who was a college English professor . Any time there was the slightest rumble of thunder in the distance she became hysterical . When she was a tiny child , whenever there was a thundershower her mother ran and crawled under the bed and , of course , the kids crawled under with her . She was taught by her mother to fear thundershowers - - by example . That 's the way children are taught . Almost all fear is fear of the unknown . Therefore , what 's the remedy ? To become acquainted with the things you fear . We had to learn all the safety rules before we could become acquainted with thundershowers , but it worked . I 'll tell you another story about fear . I 've heard of women who are afraid of mice . And I 've personally known women and men who are afraid of dogs . But this woman was afraid of cats . I 'm not talking about a wild cat - - just common , ordinary household cats . Now there were cats in her neighborhood . All of her friends had cats . Every time she encountered a cat she screamed , she ran , she became hysterical . She told me she thought every cat she encountered was about to jump at her throat . Now , a psychologist would say , " When she was a baby she was frightened by a cat ; she 's forgotten that but it still remains in her subconscious . " Which might be true . It doesn 't matter . I said , " If you wish to lose your fear of cats you must become acquainted with a cat . " " Oh no ! " she replied . I said , " Well , are you afraid of a kitten ? " " Not if it 's small enough , " she said . So I borrowed a cute , small kitten . They said I could either borrow it or keep it . I brought it to her and I said , " Now are you afraid of that ? " " Oh , not that little thing , " she said . " All right , " I said , " Now you must become acquainted . You must feed it , play with it . " And of course you know the end of the story . The kitten grew into a cat , but by then she was so attached to it she wouldn 't give it up . * * * Some fears can come from experiences in former lives . In fact the last problem I told about may have had such a source . These are dealt with in the same way . You become acquainted with the things you fear . There are a few places where you have to use a little different approach . I 'll tell you one case where we used the gradual approach . This woman was afraid to sleep in a small room ; she would go into a small room , but would not sleep there . This fear did come from a previous life experience . She came for help to where I was working . We put up a cot in the corner of the library ( a very large room ) for her . She was even afraid to sleep there alone , so I put up another cot and slept there with her the first night . Then when she had learned to at least sleep alone in the library , we put a cot in the dining room , the next smaller room . I slept next to her the first night , and then after that she gradually learned to sleep by herself . Then we tried the biggest bedroom that we had , and so on until she came to the point where she was able to sleep in a small bedroom . You do not necessarily have to use this gradual method . We did because there are a few kinds of fear that are easier to deal with using the gradual technique . Another one of them is fear of heights , and this also may come from prior experience . Let me tell you , some young , vigorous people have a fear of heights . What I used to do when people had a fear of heights was to take them to a height where they felt comfortable and really didn 't want to go any higher . Then I would stay with them for awhile . I would leave them there with something to read , something to occupy them while they stayed at that height for awhile . The next day we would go immediately to that height and then a little bit higher . Finally they reached the top , accustomed to the height , and no longer had any fear of it . * * * I have been asked if a certain amount of fear is healthy . I don 't think any amount of fear is healthy . Unless you 're talking about the fact that if you have fear about a street , you 'll look up and down before crossing the street . But you see , I believe we are required to do everything possible for ourselves and therefore when I walk out onto a street I always look up and down . But I don 't think that 's fear . That 's just being sensible . I don 't connect that in any way with fear . For instance , I know that if there are little pebbles scattered over a smooth rock , I 'm liable to slip if I step on those little pebbles , so I 'm careful not to . I 'm not afraid , it 's just the sensible thing to do . On Divine Protection . Recently , while I was leading a group of people on an educational and inspirational tour of four of the Hawaiian Islands , a policeman warned us not to sleep on the beach . It seems there had been a murder on that beach . I was very concerned about all the fear being perpetuated on those beautiful islands . I had no fear . One member of the group tried to tell me about the dangers of the beach . I said to her , " All of us are under the protection of my guardian angel . " And we didn 't have the slightest incident on any beach . We were on the beach one night where I think we were the only Anglos . The others were so nice . Several people came up and one said , " A few years back I saw you on television . " It must have been five years before , on my first visit to the islands . They even asked for autographs ! So I think we should not be apprehensive . I don 't think that apprehension can do anything except attract . " That which I feared came upon me . " I felt perfectly safe on the beach and I felt my whole crowd was protected , and they were . * * * I have a sense of definite protection . Twice I have felt the need to get out of cars I was riding in , and once I saw why . Now , I didn 't get out of the car when I was coming down over the " grapevine " into Los Angeles with two high school students . They were seeing how fast they could get the old Chevy to go down hill . I was in the back seat and I felt perfectly all right . But one time I was with a man who was drinking whisky , and I offered to drive for him . I showed him my driver 's license , but he wouldn 't let me drive , so I asked him to let me off at the junction . Then I was picked up in a little truck , and we hadn 't gone even five miles before we saw the other car . It had gone down into an arroyo and sideswiped a cottonwood tree . On the side where I had been the glass was broken and the roof was bashed in . So at once I saw why I felt the need to get out . The driver wasn 't badly hurt . He was cut some but not really hurt . Another time I did not see any result , but I felt the need to get out . This man was driving recklessly . He would cross over the double center line and pass cars when he couldn 't see at all . So I got out . I then got in with a man who was going east at the junction and therefore I never saw what happened to the other car . I don 't know . I hope nothing . So a certain amount of being sensible is good , such as looking up and down a street before you cross , but certainly not the kind of foolish fears many human beings have . You see , if you 're going to be fearful - - let 's say , about sleeping on a beach - - you must be terrified every time you sleep in your own home . Look how many people are killed in their own home . Or when you sleep in a hotel room . Look how many people are killed in hotel rooms . This can lead to ridiculous behavior . I do have a sense of complete protection . If I had felt in any way like I felt in those two cars , I would have taken the whole crowd off the beach . However , I felt absolute protection ; I hadn 't the slightest apprehension . I knew we were perfectly safe when we stayed on the beach . * * * There are many things we do not fully understand . We just know they happen . For instance , I have been kept from some things that could have hurt me . I was walking down a lane which I knew to be a small lane . The trees met overhead . I could not really see where I was going , but I knew this lane through prior experience , and I could see light at the end of the tunnel . Now I was walking very fast when something , that I can only call a force , stopped me . I mean it was powerful enough to stop me . Then I started ahead very gingerly to see what in the world had happened - - and there was a barbed wire stretched across the lane . They were repairing the cattle guard at the end of the lane , which I did not know , and had stretched this wire across to keep the cattle from straying . I would have run into the wire if I had not been stopped . We have much more protection than we realize . The most significant thing of this kind happened when I was driving a car . I 've given up my driver 's license now , but all through my driving days I was a good , stable driver , and the car was always under my control . This time I was driving somebody else 's car over a road that was not finished yet . Coming down an incline , there was a traffic light at the end of the road where you had to turn either one way or the other . Cars were turning both ways , and turning up on to the road past me . I naturally put my foot on the brake when I saw the light was red , but I had no brakes ! I grabbed for the emergency . I had no emergency . I thought if I could put the car into reverse it would stop , although this would tear it to pieces . I attempted to get it into reverse but it wouldn 't go . Ahead of me I saw a station wagon with two little children looking out of the back window . I had to stop the car ! I couldn 't turn to the left - - there was a rock wall there - - and cars were coming up thick and fast . There was a rock wall to the right with a ditch , and my little finite mind said , " Take to the ditch , sideswipe the rock wall . It 'll stop the car . It 'll tear it up , but it will stop it . " I was not able to do that . This was the only time in my life when a car was taken out of my control . The car turned to the left , went between two cars , and went up a little dirt road on an incline , which of course stopped the car . I didn 't know the dirt road was there . I couldn 't possibly see it . So you see , I 've had such amazing things happen to me . You can understand why I feel full of absolute protection . That protection extends even to any group that I am with . A Helpful Meditation I 'd like to share this little meditation with you . First , could we agree that God 's protection surrounds us ? Know that you are God 's beautiful child , always in God 's hands . Accept God . . . accept God 's protection . . . there is really no problem to fear . Know that you are not the clay garment . Know that you are not the self - centered nature which governs your life needlessly . Know that you are the God - centered nature . The Kingdom of God within . The Indwelling Christ . Eternal and indestructible . Identify with the real you . Peace . . . be still . . . and know . . . that I am God . Peace . . . be still . . . and know . . . that I am . Peace . . . be still . . . and Know . Peace . . . be still . Peace . . . be . Peace . . . Peace . . . Peace .
Janet Sketchley is the author of Heaven 's Prey and Secrets and Lies , two novels of suspense and redemption . She also blogs about faith and books . Like Carol in Secrets and Lies , Janet loves music and tea . Unlike Carol , she isn 't related to a dangerous offender , has a happy home life , and has never been threatened by a drug lord . May those tidbits continue to hold true ! You can find Janet online at janetsketchley . ca . Fans of Christian suspense are invited to join Janet 's writing journey through her monthly newsletter : bit . ly / JanetSketchleyNews . Secrets and Lies page ( includes purchase links ) : http : / / janetsketchley . ca / books / secrets - and - lies / Sample Chapter : http : / / janetsketchley . ca / wp - content / uploads / 2014 / 10 / Secrets - and - Lies - Chapter - 1 . pdf Facebook : www . facebook . com / JanetSketchley Twitter : twitter . com / JanetSketchley Amazon Author Central : www . amazon . com / author / janetsketchley Pinterest : pinterest . com / janetsketchley / INTERVIEW Can you tell us a little bit about yourself ? I live on the east coast of Canada , with my husband of over 30 years . We 're almost empty - nesters , with our youngest son home from university for the summer but living in another province for most of the year . I 'm grateful to not be working outside the home , and profoundly impressed by those writers who hold down full time jobs and keep up their writing . What do you do when you are not writing ? I 'm perpetually behind on the domestic front , but in my free time I read ( too much ) , knit and cross - stitch , and I enjoy a good cup of tea . I 'm part of a weekly Bible study and prayer group at my church and also sing with the worship team . And a few times a week I go to the gym for classes or treadmill - time . How did you choose the genre you write in ? I like writing for the Christian market because it lets me explore how faith affects our lives . Clean mainstream reads are good too , but they create stories where God isn 't in the picture . I started with suspense because that 's the story idea that came to me and wouldn 't let me go until I wrote it . What has been the toughest criticism given to you as an author ? What has been the best compliment ? One of my first published short stories came back from a writing contest with a judge 's assessment that the characters were unrealistic and too obviously vehicles to convey a message . At least that 's how I remember the criticism now . It was a powerful motivator for me to delve deeper with my characters and make them real - something I 'm still working on , because we never stop growing . Best compliment : in Secrets and Lies , Carol comes to faith from a mindset of fear . Another character coaches her through a prayer for help in retraining her thoughts . One of my reader friends confided to me that she prayed that prayer along with Carol . It doesn 't get much better than that for an author , to hear that fictional words touched a beating , human heart . If you could go back in time and do something differently in your writing career , what would it be ? One of my characters would still have her " real " name . In the early drafts of Heaven 's Prey , the heroine 's name is Ruth Waring . Imagine my surprise at a writing conference when I met a real - life Ruth Waring ! The writer - Ruth was very gracious about sharing her name with a fictional character . When we met again few years later and spent more time together , I started to hear writer - Ruth 's voice when working with character - Ruth , who sounds different . I renamed my fictional Ruth , but the change hasn 't stuck well in my mind . What do you see happening in your career ten years from now ? I expect I 'll still be self - publishing ( my original publisher closed its fiction line , so I regained my rights to that book and went indie rather than looking elsewhere ) . Ten years from now . . . I hope to have a couple of new series completed , after wrapping up the Redemption 's Edge series this fall . I 'd like to be writing both suspense and speculative fiction and making an appreciable contribution to our household income . Sounds like I have my work cut out for me ! Secrets and LiesRedemption 's Edge Series A single mother must protect her teenage son - from organized crime and from himself . Carol Daniels thinks she out - ran her enemies , until a detective arrives at her door with a warning from her convict brother . Minor incidents take on a sinister meaning . An anonymous phone call warns her not to hide again . Now she must cooperate with a drug lord while the police work to trap him . Carol has always handled crisis alone , but this one might break her . Late - night deejay Joey Hill offers friendship and moral support . Can she trust him ? One thing 's certain . She can 't risk prayer . If you 'd like to win a copy of Janet 's book , Secrets and Lies , leave a comment , along with your contact information . We 'll draw a winner next week ! Posted by Jessica Parker returns to her hometown of Harmony Grove to deal with her estranged sister 's suicide , but she 's as unwanted as a moderately successful , grown woman as she was as the troubled teen with a chip on her shoulder when she fled eight years before . The curious details of her sister 's death , however , command that she remain and unravel the thick camouflage that covers a sinister plot . While her presence causes some in town to wish her gone , her intent causes others to wish her dead . 19 . For more information about Dr . Mabry , visit his website . INTERVIEW Can you tell us a little bit about yourself ? I 'm a retired physician living outside Dallas , IF YOU ' D LIKE TO WIN A COPY OF DR . MABRY ' S BOOK , FATAL TRAUMA , LEAVE A COMMENT , ALONG WITH YOUR CONTACT INFO . U . S . ONLY PLEASE . Posted by Joslyn has always been just " one of the guys . " She was from a poor background , so she was working at an electronics store in Los Angeles and putting herself through school in computer programming . She 's always been a bit tomboyish and shy , with not much experience with dating , so she was easily charmed by her ex - boyfriend , a captain in a Filipino gang , when he started paying attention to her . He spotted her at the electronics store where she worked , and he had been handsome , masculine , persistent in his pursuit of her . She has always been attracted to powerful men . She never had a lot of women friends , which made her more isolated when he started abusing her . When she ran away to Oregon , she lost her baby and the woman she was working for helped her through that ordeal . The woman also talked a lot about Christ to her , and so Joslyn has been seeking Christ more and more . However , she wasn 't entirely happy in Oregon because she likes the city , books , technology . She 's lost a lot and has gone through a grieving process after her father was murdered and she miscarried her baby . She had to leave school and her job to run away from her ex , so she has to start the school year all over again . At least she 's able to work for Liam and Elisabeth at their new skip - tracing agency rather than trying to find a new job . However , the events of the months before shook her up pretty badly , and she 's determined to never be vulnerable again . She has trained in self - defense at a local gym and gotten her Conceal and Carry license for a firearm . She 's grateful to Liam and Elisabeth for saving her and for bringing her into their " family " in Sonoma after the loss of her father . She is a good team player and only wants their business to succeed . She 's learned from Elisabeth that a woman can be a good friend , and strong as well . She was very close to her father . He had a firm hand and control over the family since their mother was dead ( died when she was a baby ) . He was protective of her and kept her inside a lot as a child so she retreated to her books and computer . So seeing her father killed by the Filipino gang was devastating for her . She feels responsible for his death because of her involvement with her ex . Clay makes Joslyn feel like more than just " one of the boys , " but also a vibrant and attractive woman . He helps her to appreciate her feminine side . He also helps her to loosen her iron control over her life and learn to relax , enjoy life , appreciate nature . As a skip tracer in training , Joslyn Dimalanta knows she has the skills to track down her missing friend . As long as her friend 's startlingly handsome brother , Clay Ashton , doesn 't distract her . But then his sister 's house detonates - almost killing Clay and Joslyn . Now they realize the harsh reality : they must either find the person after Clay 's sister , or face deadly consequences . And the closer the get to exposing the source of the crimes , the more explosive surprises they discover . With every obstacle they overcome , Joslyn finds herself relying on Clay more and more . Still , the peril they face scares her less than the idea of trusting Clay with her wounded heart . The Arizona sun had been unbearably hot since six this morning , but it suddenly became a furnace . A bead of sweat trickled down the side of her neck , and she wiped at it . " I 'm Joslyn Dimalanta . I was good friends with Fiona when she lived in Los Angeles - we were classmates in the same Master 's Degree program . You 're her brother , right ? You look exactly like her . " She took a long breath before answering him . " Fiona sent it three weeks ago , but I only got it a few days ago . It was sent to my old address in L . A . " " Her voice shook . " Worry was etched in his face , in the lines between his brows and alongside his mouth . " I hadn 't heard from her in … " He stopped himself and looked away . Joslyn knew , from what Fiona had mentioned when they were friends in L . A . , that Fiona and Clay had been close as children , but something happened to make them drift apart from each other . Fiona had said that she hadn 't spoken to her half - brother since she graduated college . " Before I got the postcard , I hadn 't spoken to Fiona in the two years since she left L . A . " It was one of the reasons it had been so surprising . " She said she was in trouble and needed my help . But she didn 't say where she was . " The handwriting had been messy , as if written in a hurry , but she 'd recognized it as Fiona 's . " And why wouldn 't she say anything more than that she needed help ? " The knot at the base of her skull tightened even more . " It 's why I came here . I had to do some digging to find her address - after she left L . A . , it looks like she didn 't want to be found , which I thought was strange . " " I had to hire a private investigator to find this address for me . " But there was uncertainty in his face as he glanced at the house . The house 's large bay front window had white curtains pulled across , and there was no way to know if anyone was inside . " Did you ring the doorbell ? " " Fiona always talked about what a great big brother you were , " Joslyn said . Protective . Someone she 'd trust . Fiona had loved him dearly , but had simply shook her head sadly when Joslyn asked why she didn 't try to get in touch with Clay again after all these years . He looked at Joslyn in surprise , his eyes lightening to blue . It transformed his serious face into a man who had been lifted of some type of great burden . But then something painful flickered across his gaze and he turned away . Joslyn followed him to the front door , trying to wrap her head around everything that had come out in the last few minutes . This was too much thrown at her at once - not just the postcard from Fiona , but Clay 's phone call , equally as vague . And then meeting him here , seeing firsthand the strength in his arms and the fearless way he carried himself , which fit the stories Fiona had told Joslyn about Clay being a mob strong - arm in Chicago , before he went to prison . Her first reaction had been attraction , but her second had been wariness . She 'd suffered physically and emotionally at the hands of her ex - boyfriend . She knew not all strong men would hurt her , but she had become extra cautious about putting herself in a situation ever again where she had to be afraid . Clay rang the doorbell , and they could faintly hear it ding - dong inside the house . He stood with his hands in his jeans pockets , but there was a tension across his wide shoulders that belied his casual pose . He rang the doorbell again . Still no answer . " I find people . I also help people disappear . " Joslyn had been especially grateful to her friend Elisabeth , who had originally helped her escape her abusive ex - boyfriend , for giving her a job in the O ' Neill Agency while she finished her last few quarters in school . Joslyn found she enjoyed helping people , especially other women who wanted to get away from dangerous ex - boyfriends or ex - husbands . She understood their situations only too well . Clay went to the front window to try to peer through the crack in the curtains . Joslyn noticed an envelope sticking out of the mail box next to the door and opened the lid . It was full of mail . It didn 't look like Fiona got a lot of junk mail , but the envelopes she did get were postmarked several weeks ago . " I don 't think Fiona 's been home for a while . " That wasn 't a good sign . " The ugliest gnome , " Clay finished for her , flashing a smile . His eyes crinkled and turned a glittering aquamarine , and Joslyn 's heartbeat blipped . While Fiona was beautiful , her brother was incredibly handsome . The backyard was small , and instead of grass it was bricked over with plant beds along the walls , where there were a few orange and lemon trees . However , there were also a line of little gnome statues next to the glass back door , and the ugliest one was clearly the largest , a hideous creature with a long nose , flashing grimy teeth in his grinning mouth . Clay tipped it over and found a key underneath . His brain felt like a bottle of soda that had been shaken and popped open , with fizzing bubbles clouding his vision . There was a ringing that roared in his ears , dominating all other sound . He blinked , and his vision cleared to the sight of Joslyn 's dark hair tumbled over the bricks of the yard . He was sprawled on top of her , and he could smell apricot and jasmine , and the scent of walking through a quiet wood . " Are you all right ? " His voice came from a long way away . He rolled to the side so he wasn 't crushing her beneath him . " Joslyn ? " She moved slowly , lifting her head . Her clear , golden - brown eyes were dazed . She didn 't speak , simply looked at him in confusion . " Come on , we need to get clear of the house . " He rose to his feet , feeling aches in his joints from the blast and the hard landing on the bricks . Joslyn took the hand he held out to her , and they skirted around the less damaged side of the house to get to the front again . Fiona 's next door neighbor had rushed out to her front yard , an older woman with gray permed hair , dressed in a tank top and shorts . She gaped at them as they appeared . " Are you all right ? What happened ? Good gracious , was that a bomb ? Fiona 's poor house . What was a bomb doing in her house ? " What was a bomb doing in Fiona 's house ? It had been rigged to explode as soon as the door was breached . Clay had been incredibly lucky to see the tripwire as he opened the door , and his reflexes had taken over , grabbing Joslyn and leaping aside . Luckily , it looked like it hadn 't been a very large explosion , although it had been enough to blow out a few of the windows in the house . Glass covered the stone garden in the front yard . At least , he hoped it didn 't . The mob family he 'd worked for years ago , before he 'd gone to prison , was now defunct , and he hadn 't been very high on the totem pole to begin with . He didn 't think he had any enemies left who would want revenge on him , but if he did , then rigging his sister 's house to blow up was a rather melodramatic way to do it . A sniper shot would have been easier . " I 'm calling them right now , " said a neighbor from across the street , who had her cell phone . " I can 't believe this . My great - grandkids are with me today , too . " " No , " their great - grandmother said firmly , then spoke into the phone as the police dispatcher picked up the line . " Yes , I 'm here at Braeden Court , and there 's been an explosion ! " She gave Clay a suspicious look . " Oh , don 't mind her , " said Fiona 's next - door neighbor to Clay . " She thinks the government put microchips in polio vaccines so they could monitor everyone . " The woman waved a finger in a circle around her ear . " Completely cuckoo . " " Luckily there 's a lot of space in the side yards and the fence is good and thick . My windows rattled but no damage . I 'm Mary , by the way . " She held out a gnarled hand . " A few weeks ago , I heard barking from her house and went to see what was going on . She gave me a spare key because sometimes she asks me to take care of her dog , Poochie . Poor thing had been left alone for a day or two , looked like , so I took him . " Mary jabbed a thumb backwards toward her house , where the dog was still barking intermittently . " I haven 't seen any sign of Fiona since . I filed a police report , but they haven 't done anything . Did this have to do with all that ? It must have happened after I got her dog . " Mary shuddered at the close call . " Was it a gas leak or something ? " " Um … we 're not sure , " Joslyn said carefully . She looked briefly at Clay , but he somehow knew what she was thinking . The less they told the neighbors , the better . " What happened ? " People started to arrive from other streets in the area , gaping at the house . Mary was only to happy to tell them a dramatized story of the explosion . Clay and Joslyn stepped aside to speak in low voices . " You 're all right ? " he asked her . She was tall but slender , and she seemed so delicate . " Your guess is as good as mine . " He sighed and eyed the ruined shell of the house . " The real question is if they were trying to kill Fiona , or if they were trying to kill whoever came looking for her . Either way , whoever did it was ruthless . " Joslyn shivered , even in the sweltering heat . Clay had dealt with men just as ruthless when he 'd been a street thug for that mob family in Chicago . He hadn 't killed anyone , but if he 'd kept going down that road , who knows what he might have become ? That thought was like a dark blot on his soul . There was the sound of police sirens , and soon a squad car turned the corner and came down the street toward them , followed by paramedics . Clay 's shoulders tensed out of habit , and he relaxed them . He wondered if there would ever be a time when his past wouldn 't crop up in his present . He answered the officer 's questions evenly , but that only seemed to make them suspicious , if the curious looks they threw at him were any indication . He submitted to the paramedic 's exam , but other than a few minor cuts from flying glass and debris , he was fine . Part of the door frame had hit him on the side and a chunk of plaster had glanced off his shoulder , but he shook off the bruises . He 'd had worse . He knew the exact moment the officers had looked him up and found out about his prison record . They had hard glints in their eyes as they approached him - two men , not just one . " So Mr . Ashton , what are you doing here in Arizona ? You 're a long ways from Illinois . " The officer 's name badge read " Campbell . " " Nothing else , " Clay said through a tight jaw . He might have been tempted to mention the phone call from his sister if it hadn 't been for the suspicion in their tones . Anything he said to them would only make things worse for himself , and he needed to be able to find Fiona and make sure she was safe . " And Miss Dima … Dia … " Officer Talbot squinted at his notebook . " What 's your relationship with her ? " He gave a slimy overtone to the word . Clay gritted his teeth . " I just met Joslyn when we both arrived at the house at the same time . To see Fiona . Why is it that the police didn 't contact me , her brother , when her neighbor filed a missing persons report ? " Officer Talbot 's face turned pink and he glanced at his partner . They apparently hadn 't been aware of the missing person 's report , either , or why Clay hadn 't been contacted . " It 's under investigation , " he snapped . Calm down . Clay had to calm down . His temper had gotten him in enough trouble in the past . He couldn 't afford to get in trouble now , when Fiona might be in danger . He wanted to walk away from these two men and the insulting ring to their questions , but he forced himself to stand in a deliberately relaxed stance . Officer Campbell , the older man , gave him a hard look , but then he said , " We have your hotel information and phone number . We 'll be in touch . " It was almost like a threat . However , the two men turned and left him . They began speaking to the other people gathered on the sidewalk . She sighed and looked away . He could almost hear her thoughts . She knew he was right . " Mary was able to give me the exact date she went to collect Poochie . Fiona 's been gone for three weeks , about the time of the postal stamp on the postcard she sent to me . " Clay frowned . " Where did she go ? Why did she need to leave ? Is she really in trouble ? " Had she really called him and sent Joslyn that postcard ? " I was going to drop by her workplace . Since it looks like Fiona doesn 't want to be found , I want to gather as much information as I can about her life here in Phoenix to try to predict where she 'd go . " Joslyn eyed the officers . Talbot was flirting with a young woman , while Campbell was speaking to two men in business casual clothing . " They say , out of sight out of mind , so did you want to come with me ? " Maybe the less the cops saw of him , the less likely they would be to unreasonably blame him for the explosion . " Sure . " Right now , it was the only lead they had on where Fiona might be . After that explosion , he had a feeling this wasn 't a case of his sister going on a spontaneous vacation . He 'd been worried before , but now the fear for her was like a boiling pot in his gut . They 'd gone to Fiona 's workplace , an air conditioning parts manufacturer , only to hear that three weeks ago , a man had called , claiming to be her brother , asking for extended leave for her , citing a family emergency . However , the manager hadn 't been able to get in touch with her after that and she 'd been fired . Who had that been who 'd called ? It obviously wasn 't Clay . That may be why the police hadn 't followed up on the missing person 's report - if they checked with Fiona 's workplace , the manager had heard from her and so there wasn 't a problem , at least at the time Mary called the police about her . Perhaps that had been the point of calling into Fiona 's workplace - to forestall any missing person 's report . Joslyn and Clay had exchanged tense looks . Did someone have Fiona ? But Joslyn remembered that Fiona often visited art museums in Los Angeles . She 'd been friends with the guards at the museum and had formed friendships with other people who visited the museum regularly , mostly artists and critics . Clay had agreed that she 'd done the same in Chicago , when she had lived with him in the years during college and after she graduated . So they 'd left Joslyn 's car in the business parking lot and headed to the largest art museum in Phoenix , the Kevin Tran Museum of Art and Art History . But they apparently weren 't alone . This was too coincidental , that they were being followed right after they 'd triggered that bomb in Fiona 's house . Who had the bomb been for , Fiona or anyone coming after her ? Were the people following them aiming to finish the job , since the explosion at Fiona 's house hadn 't gotten rid of them , or did they want to question Joslyn and Clay ? " Do they want to stop us from finding Fiona , or do they think we know where she is ? " she asked . She had been in this exact situation barely a year ago , running from her ex - boyfriend , nervously looking behind her to make sure she wasn 't followed . She had felt like her life wasn 't her own anymore . She had thought she put those days behind her , yet here she was again . " Phoenix is a grid . How are you going to lose them ? " He got onto the 101 almost casually , as if he 'd always meant to head in that direction , and moved into the leftmost lane . He then slowed down , and soon the white Taurus was directly behind them . Clay was driving so slowly in the fast lane that cars were passing them on the right , and the Taurus couldn 't hide behind other cars . There were two men in the Taurus , both with sunglasses on . The shorter one had curly dark hair , while the other had short dark hair . They also both had identical frowns . " They know you 're on to them , " she said . " It won 't matter in a moment . Hang on . " He cranked the wheel hard to the right and cut off an SUV . It honked at them as Clay swerved right again and cut off a Toyota . He then zoomed right in front of a Mustang in the freeway exit lane only a few feet before it split from the highway , separated by a concrete divider . Joslyn knew the circumstances were extreme , but the sight of the cars looming so close in front of them made her heart shoot up to her throat . " You lost them . " Joslyn had always been a rather cautious driver , trying not to annoy anyone around her . Clay had cut off three cars in less than three seconds . " How did they find us ? Why are they following us ? " She didn 't like not knowing . " Did they follow us from Fiona 's house , or from her workplace ? " " I don 't , either . " It made her feel vulnerable , right when she had been working so hard to get back control in her life . Clay 's mouth grew hard . " Maybe they were the ones who rigged her house to explode and they were waiting to see who would show up . " For a moment , he looked so much like her ex - boyfriend that Joslyn had to look away . Tomas had hated being trapped by other men , and it had brought out an ugly side of him . He 'd had many ugly sides . She took a deep breath . That chapter in her life was over . Tomas was in jail . She was safe . She had been doing everything in her power to make sure she stayed safe . Joslyn thought back to what she 'd had to do to find Fiona 's address . Had her digging around alerted someone that she was after Fiona ? But who ? What in the world had Fiona gotten into ? " Did you have any idea Fiona was in serious trouble like this ? " Joslyn asked . He shook his head slowly . " I hadn 't talked to her in years . I didn 't even know where she 'd gone after she left Chicago . I tried to find her but then … " He 'd gone to prison . Joslyn wondered why Fiona hadn 't reached out to him , especially when it seemed that he still loved her . Fiona hadn 't indicated there had been any bad blood or grudges between them , so why hadn 't she wanted to see her brother again ? " I didn 't know , either , " Joslyn said . " Fiona was just like any other girl when I knew her in Los Angeles , going to classes , hanging out with friends . Except … " She thought back . " She seemed a little sad sometimes , but I knew her mother had died and she didn 't like to talk about her father . I thought she just missed her mom . " " She didn 't have many friends at her workplace , so maybe the answer isn 't in her job , but in what she did outside her job . " Which meant that if she did visit the museum here , as she had done in Los Angeles and Chicago , they might find something about what she 'd been involved in . A standard tactic for skip tracers was to find out as much about the person as possible to figure out where they 'd go . " If I 'm right , Fiona would have gotten at least a season pass for the museum . She had a season ticket for one of the museums in Los Angeles that she enjoyed going to . She got invited to private showings and a few art galas . " " She had a season pass for one of the museums in Chicago , too , " Clay said . " She took me to to a debut art show once . I had to wear a suit . " He grinned , suddenly . " She told me I looked like a bouncer . " But then something , some memory , made the light dim from his eyes and his smile . Joslyn had to stop herself from asking him what had made him so sad . She consulted the pamphlet and saw that the patron services department was in charge of all season pass holders . " This way . " There were signs pointing the way to the patron services office . They passed through several galleries . Some had ethnic themes , such as one long room with art from several premier Chinese American artists who had first settled in Phoenix at the turn of the century , and another room with huge murals of Native American art . One galley was a display of sculptures from different artists that looked like they were made from desert rocks of various colors . Out of habit , Joslyn hesitated before answering . " Mostly classical music . Fiona was my only friend who 'd go to concerts with me and not fall asleep in the middle . " They arrived at a door marked " Patron Services " and went inside . A woman sat behind a desk with horn - rimmed glasses and smiled at them . " May I help you ? " Her name plaque read , " Ruby Padalecki . " Joslyn gave her one of her new business cards . " I 'm an investigator with the O ' Neill Agency . I 'm looking into the disappearance of a young woman who might have been a season pass holder with the museum , Fiona Crowley . " The woman looked at him with her brow furrowed . " Oh , my , you look exactly like … " She swallowed and lowered her voice . " I 'm sorry , but I could lose my job . " Clay held his hands up . " We 're just museum patrons chatting with you , okay ? We 're not after any confidential information that might get you in trouble . " He looked harmless , approachable . She envied the easy way he could engage with Ruby . Joslyn always felt awkward socially . It was the reason she liked computers so much . Clay leaned a hip against the edge of the desk . " My sister likes visiting art museums . She visited all the ones in Chicago . " " She also liked visiting museums when I knew her in Los Angeles , " Joslyn said . Clay scratched the back of his head . " I have to admit , I was really mean . I was at some party with her , and I went to where she was talking to the artist . I told him an embarrassing story about when she was in kindergarten that involved feathers , glitter , and pink panties . She didn 't speak to me for a week , but she didn 't talk to the artist again , so it was a win for me . " Ruby winced . " Well , there is one Native American artist who 's tall , dark , and swarthy - he looks like a pirate . All the girls on staff here think he 's incredibly handsome . Fiona 's friendly with him , but then again , she 's just as friendly with Rufus , one of the guards . " Ruby sobered . " It 's been several weeks . Rufus and I are a little worried . I even called her house a few times , but she didn 't answer . " " He 's wandering around , just keeping any eye on things . Tall , lanky , African American man . " Ruby reached out to grab Joslyn 's hand . " Please find out what happened to Fiona . I hope it 's nothing serious . " " We 'll find her , " Joslyn said . Fiona had left a hole in Joslyn 's life when she left Los Angeles . Joslyn didn 't have many women friends , and she always wondered if she might not have dated her abusive ex , Tomas , if Fiona had still been there with her frank opinions and logical insights . The least she could do was find out what happened to her friend now that it looked like she 'd gotten into something dangerous after she 'd left the master 's program in L . A . They had to circle almost the entire museum before they found Rufus , an older man so slender that his guard uniform hung loosely on him . He had a short gray beard and almost completely bald head with his curly gray hair cut short . As they approached him , he frowned at them as if he were trying to look menacing . " Something I can help you folks with ? " Then his eye fell on Clay , and his brows rose halfway up his forehead . " Well , I 'll be . You look just like Fiona . You must be that brother she told me about . " Joslyn felt as if her head was in a furnace , and Clay had turned redder than a beet . " I 'm Joslyn . I was Fiona 's friend when she lived in Los Angeles . " Rufus sighed heavily . " Don 't know what 's happened to her . I 'm worried . She didn 't seem like she was into anything shady , but that man she met seemed awful slick , if you know what I mean . " " This older guy , although not quite as old as me . Seems like nobody 's quite as old as me , these days . " He flashed a grin , his smile bright in his dark face . " He was sitting and chatting with Fiona , and she looked pretty shaken . " " No , she didn 't come in with him . She was alone when I saw her enter the front door - she gave me a smile and a wave - and this guy came and met her in the antique Chinese art room only half an hour later . She seemed surprised to see him , so I don 't think she was intending to meet him here . They only talked five or ten minutes , but it was enough to make Fiona look upset and leave the museum early . " " No , she just smiled and waved , but she looked kinda distracted , " Rufus said . " Sometimes she chats with me , sometimes not . But that was the last time I saw her . No police have been by , so I wondered if maybe she was on vacation or something . But I think she 'd - a told me if that was the case . It must have been that guy . " If Clay knew who the man was , Joslyn would have expected him to be more triumphant . Instead , he seemed even more perplexed . " Do you know him ? " she asked . He looked up at her , and his eyes had turned a stormy gray . " It doesn 't make sense why she 'd disappear because of him . I think that was Martin Crowley - her father , and my stepfather . " Why would Fiona disappear after talking to Martin ? As far as Clay knew , they were still on comfortable terms . Maybe not chummy , but not at odds with each other . And Martin wouldn 't do anything to hurt Fiona , no matter what he 'd done to Clay . " Her father ? " Rufus said . Clay had forgotten he was still there . " Now that 's interesting . Fiona never seemed happy when she talked about her daddy . And she certainly wasn 't happy that man had come to talk to her that day . " Joslyn tilted her head . " Well , she was closer to Martin when I first knew her , but especially just before she left Los Angeles , he seemed to annoy her or upset her more often . She never wanted to talk about him . I guess in the past two years , they never healed the breach . " " He must have said something to her to make her upset . But I don 't know why he 'd have anything to do with why she 'd disappear . He wouldn 't hurt her . " " If she were in danger from Martin , he 'd have taken her at the museum , and he wouldn 't have bothered to speak to her first . " Clay sighed . " Plus I have a hard time believing Fiona would be involved in anything shady that Martin might be doing . " He remembered his last big argument with Fiona in Chicago , and the reason she 'd moved away from him . He remembered Fiona 's thready voice in the phone call he 'd received . " The thing is , if she were safe with Martin , she wouldn 't have asked us for help . My phone call and your postcard happened after she disappeared . " Clay rubbed his forehead . He knew what he had to do , but didn 't like being forced to approach Martin again , like a servant asking for a favor . " I have Martin 's extension at his office . I 'll give him a call and ask about Fiona . " He tasted acid at the back of his throat as he listened to the phone ringing . When a man 's voice answered , he almost couldn 't speak and had to swallow before he said , " Martin ? This is Clay . " Clay felt both relief and frustration . " Please ask him to call his stepson as soon as possible . It 's about Fiona . " He gave his phone number , but he had a feeling Martin wouldn 't call him back . Not to be malicious , but simply because to Martin , Clay didn 't matter . They exited the front double doors of the museum into the bright sunlight , and the heat slapped them like a ten - foot wave . Clay had to pause to adjust to the change in temperature . That 's when he saw it . " How could they have found us ? " Her eyes unfocused as she thought , and she began lightly rubbing a strange - shaped scar above her left eye . It seemed she wasn 't aware she was doing it . " Maybe your rental car … I 'll have to check it . " " That 's kind of high tech . Then again , if they 're the same guys who rigged Fiona 's house , I guess I could believe they could do it . " Clay kept sweeping his gaze over the parking lot even as they headed to his car . " Don 't unlock it just yet . " Joslyn began circling the car , checking the rims , finally dropping onto the sizzling asphalt to check the underside of the carriage . " I don 't see anything . " Clay hadn 't stopped looking around , but they were the only ones moving around out here . The other cars in the lot seemed empty , and he couldn 't see the white Taurus , although many of the cars were white . He 'd noticed that about Phoenix - lots of white and light colored cars , probably to combat the heat . " Let 's get out of here . " And men who had access to explosives might have access to that kind of equipment . " Okay , so where to ? " He backed out of the parking stall . Clay kept an eye behind them as they drove , but he couldn 't spot a tail if there was one . He had done his fair share of tailing people when he had worked for that mob family in Chicago , but even then , he hadn 't been great at noticing them following himself . How ironic that he could have used some of his criminal skills now . Still , he didn 't regret getting out of that life , paying his dues . He just wished he could feel he had finally settled that debt . " You never know . " After Joslyn had paid using cash , they walked away and she said , " Plus , I noticed the kiosk didn 't seem to keep good records . If anyone knows we went here , they might have a hard time figuring out which phones we bought , and their numbers . " " I don 't need a suit , do I ? " Clay inwardly groaned . He wasn 't uncomfortable wearing a suit , but in this heat , it would be torture , even though all of the places had air conditioning . Joslyn 's eyes twinkled like chips of amber , as if she could guess what he was thinking . " No . Just something that doesn 't look like you just played basketball with the fellas . " He found some khaki shorts and a short - sleeved polo shirt , which he wore out of the store , his old clothes in a bag . He caught Joslyn looking appreciatively as he stood in line to pay . When she saw he had noticed , she blushed and turned away . They headed to a women 's clothing store . Clay looked at the faces in the crowd , and because of his height , he could see over most heads , but he didn 't notice anyone who looked like the men in the white Taurus . It was hard to tell if anyone was following them in the crowd since most people were going from store to store , like they were , so he saw several people more than once . He didn 't know why he did it , but his hand closed over hers as she lifted the hanger off the rack . " Wait . You 're not getting that , are you ? " " Well , I 've worn dresses , of course , but usually … " She looked flustered . " I don 't know , it 's just kind of … girly . " He tried another tactic . " You said it yourself , if we talk to other people , they respond better if we 're better clothed . It 's less intimidating if we look like a couple . And we 'd look more like a couple if you wear a dress rather than pants and a polo shirt . " Her brows were knit as if she wasn 't sure she quite believed him , but she took the dress and put it back . He was about to argue when she said , " It 's the wrong size . " She grabbed another one and headed to the changing rooms . Clay blew out a breath . She was nothing like the other women he 'd known . Joslyn seemed more masculine in some ways , carrying herself as if unaware of her body , and yet she was so beautiful . She stepped out of the changing room , and despite the scowl on her face , the image of her in the sundress made his heart stop for a moment . Her collarbones rose above the modest neckline and her arms were bare , showing off her delicate bone structure . The skirt swirling above her knees floated around the curves of her figure . " Nothing , " he said quickly . " You 're just … you look captivating . " The word was more romantic than he 'd intended to say , but it just popped out , and it was exactly what she was . Joslyn turned a deep red and looked away . It seemed as if she were struggling with some memory . Then she took a deep breath and seemed to regain her composure . " Is this fine ? " Her voice was businesslike . She stilled , like a deer in the woods , her brown eyes wide . Her skin was soft , and the feel of it sent tingles up his hand , his forearm , his shoulder . Then someone accidentally bumped into him from behind , and the moment was over . " Better to be safe than sorry . We should probably throw them in the trash … " She stared at the parking stall . " Wasn 't our car here ? " Instead of his gold - colored Nissan rental , a silver colored pickup truck stood in the spot . " Maybe we 're on the wrong row . " He strode down a different row , but he was almost certain it was wrong . He remembered that they 'd gotten out of the car and the row had led directly to the children 's clothing store at the edge of the mall . God had protected her once , and she 'd trusted that He 'd protect her again , especially if she was careful about the situations she 'd put herself into . But since coming to Phoenix and meeting Clay , the situation had gotten more and more unpredictable . Yet a part of her seemed to sense that while Tomas 's temper had gotten out of control , Clay wouldn 't cross that line . Clay blew out a long breath and put his hands on his hips , then his back lost that stiffness and he turned to her with an expression still frustrated , but calmer . " You 're right . I 'll call them now . And I have to call the rental company , too . " Joslyn was surprised she hadn 't had to do more than suggest it . Tomas would have said … But Clay wasn 't Tomas , was he ? In that clothing store , the way he 'd looked at her had made her feel … She hadn 't been attracted to a man in a long time . Her last relationship had been so disastrous , she had walled off her heart and her senses . But now it seemed she was changing , and she wasn 't sure she wanted it that way . She still felt vulnerable after all she 'd lost . Her eyes refocused on Clay , speaking to a cab company on his cell phone . Fiona had spoken warmly , although a bit sadly about her brother . She could see aspects of Fiona in Clay , their friendliness to others , their protectiveness . And like Fiona , Clay made Joslyn think differently about herself . Clay had pulled her even further out , shattering her habit of thinking of herself as " one of the guys . " He 'd had difficulty in explaining why , but he 'd wanted her to wear that dress . And she didn 't understand why she 'd listened to him . After all , Tomas had done the same thing - bought her dresses , told her she was beautiful . Since that episode in her life , she 'd retreated to her old fashion sense , the one she 'd had before Tomas , which consisted of pants and shirts , practical things that were similar to what the other engineers wore . So why had she listened to Clay about the sundress ? Wasn 't this a bad thing ? Clay hung up . " The cab should be here in a few minutes . They 're not far away . The rental company said they 'd file the police report since they have GPS tracking on the car . " They dumped their clothes out on the ground and carefully felt around , but didn 't find anything obvious . " It 's probably still a good idea to toss our clothes . It might make it harder for the men following us to recognize us . Our cell phones , too , in case they managed to put a tracker in them or clone them . " But before she could tell him , the cab arrived . It drove them to Fiona 's workplace so she could pick up her car . When the cab had left , Joslyn asked , " What now ? " His hotel was close to Fiona 's house , which was unfortunately halfway across town , so it took them the better part of an hour before they were finally pulling into the hotel parking lot . There were a couple police squad cars parked outside the front doors . Clay 's shoulders were bunched as he saw them . Joslyn wondered if it was a throwback to his time working for that mob family . He certainly wouldn 't have been happy to see the police back then . Then they were surrounded by police officers , and it seemed like all of them were shouting . Joslyn looked at Clay , but he had the same perplexed look . " What do we do ? " she asked .
Janet Sketchley is the author of Heaven 's Prey and Secrets and Lies , two novels of suspense and redemption . She also blogs about faith and books . Like Carol in Secrets and Lies , Janet loves music and tea . Unlike Carol , she isn 't related to a dangerous offender , has a happy home life , and has never been threatened by a drug lord . May those tidbits continue to hold true ! You can find Janet online at janetsketchley . ca . Fans of Christian suspense are invited to join Janet 's writing journey through her monthly newsletter : bit . ly / JanetSketchleyNews . Secrets and Lies page ( includes purchase links ) : http : / / janetsketchley . ca / books / secrets - and - lies / Sample Chapter : http : / / janetsketchley . ca / wp - content / uploads / 2014 / 10 / Secrets - and - Lies - Chapter - 1 . pdf Facebook : www . facebook . com / JanetSketchley Twitter : twitter . com / JanetSketchley Amazon Author Central : www . amazon . com / author / janetsketchley Pinterest : pinterest . com / janetsketchley / INTERVIEW Can you tell us a little bit about yourself ? I live on the east coast of Canada , with my husband of over 30 years . We 're almost empty - nesters , with our youngest son home from university for the summer but living in another province for most of the year . I 'm grateful to not be working outside the home , and profoundly impressed by those writers who hold down full time jobs and keep up their writing . What do you do when you are not writing ? I 'm perpetually behind on the domestic front , but in my free time I read ( too much ) , knit and cross - stitch , and I enjoy a good cup of tea . I 'm part of a weekly Bible study and prayer group at my church and also sing with the worship team . And a few times a week I go to the gym for classes or treadmill - time . How did you choose the genre you write in ? I like writing for the Christian market because it lets me explore how faith affects our lives . Clean mainstream reads are good too , but they create stories where God isn 't in the picture . I started with suspense because that 's the story idea that came to me and wouldn 't let me go until I wrote it . What has been the toughest criticism given to you as an author ? What has been the best compliment ? One of my first published short stories came back from a writing contest with a judge 's assessment that the characters were unrealistic and too obviously vehicles to convey a message . At least that 's how I remember the criticism now . It was a powerful motivator for me to delve deeper with my characters and make them real - something I 'm still working on , because we never stop growing . Best compliment : in Secrets and Lies , Carol comes to faith from a mindset of fear . Another character coaches her through a prayer for help in retraining her thoughts . One of my reader friends confided to me that she prayed that prayer along with Carol . It doesn 't get much better than that for an author , to hear that fictional words touched a beating , human heart . If you could go back in time and do something differently in your writing career , what would it be ? One of my characters would still have her " real " name . In the early drafts of Heaven 's Prey , the heroine 's name is Ruth Waring . Imagine my surprise at a writing conference when I met a real - life Ruth Waring ! The writer - Ruth was very gracious about sharing her name with a fictional character . When we met again few years later and spent more time together , I started to hear writer - Ruth 's voice when working with character - Ruth , who sounds different . I renamed my fictional Ruth , but the change hasn 't stuck well in my mind . What do you see happening in your career ten years from now ? I expect I 'll still be self - publishing ( my original publisher closed its fiction line , so I regained my rights to that book and went indie rather than looking elsewhere ) . Ten years from now . . . I hope to have a couple of new series completed , after wrapping up the Redemption 's Edge series this fall . I 'd like to be writing both suspense and speculative fiction and making an appreciable contribution to our household income . Sounds like I have my work cut out for me ! Secrets and LiesRedemption 's Edge Series A single mother must protect her teenage son - from organized crime and from himself . Carol Daniels thinks she out - ran her enemies , until a detective arrives at her door with a warning from her convict brother . Minor incidents take on a sinister meaning . An anonymous phone call warns her not to hide again . Now she must cooperate with a drug lord while the police work to trap him . Carol has always handled crisis alone , but this one might break her . Late - night deejay Joey Hill offers friendship and moral support . Can she trust him ? One thing 's certain . She can 't risk prayer . If you 'd like to win a copy of Janet 's book , Secrets and Lies , leave a comment , along with your contact information . We 'll draw a winner next week ! Posted by Jessica Parker returns to her hometown of Harmony Grove to deal with her estranged sister 's suicide , but she 's as unwanted as a moderately successful , grown woman as she was as the troubled teen with a chip on her shoulder when she fled eight years before . The curious details of her sister 's death , however , command that she remain and unravel the thick camouflage that covers a sinister plot . While her presence causes some in town to wish her gone , her intent causes others to wish her dead . 19 . For more information about Dr . Mabry , visit his website . INTERVIEW Can you tell us a little bit about yourself ? I 'm a retired physician living outside Dallas , IF YOU ' D LIKE TO WIN A COPY OF DR . MABRY ' S BOOK , FATAL TRAUMA , LEAVE A COMMENT , ALONG WITH YOUR CONTACT INFO . U . S . ONLY PLEASE . Posted by Joslyn has always been just " one of the guys . " She was from a poor background , so she was working at an electronics store in Los Angeles and putting herself through school in computer programming . She 's always been a bit tomboyish and shy , with not much experience with dating , so she was easily charmed by her ex - boyfriend , a captain in a Filipino gang , when he started paying attention to her . He spotted her at the electronics store where she worked , and he had been handsome , masculine , persistent in his pursuit of her . She has always been attracted to powerful men . She never had a lot of women friends , which made her more isolated when he started abusing her . When she ran away to Oregon , she lost her baby and the woman she was working for helped her through that ordeal . The woman also talked a lot about Christ to her , and so Joslyn has been seeking Christ more and more . However , she wasn 't entirely happy in Oregon because she likes the city , books , technology . She 's lost a lot and has gone through a grieving process after her father was murdered and she miscarried her baby . She had to leave school and her job to run away from her ex , so she has to start the school year all over again . At least she 's able to work for Liam and Elisabeth at their new skip - tracing agency rather than trying to find a new job . However , the events of the months before shook her up pretty badly , and she 's determined to never be vulnerable again . She has trained in self - defense at a local gym and gotten her Conceal and Carry license for a firearm . She 's grateful to Liam and Elisabeth for saving her and for bringing her into their " family " in Sonoma after the loss of her father . She is a good team player and only wants their business to succeed . She 's learned from Elisabeth that a woman can be a good friend , and strong as well . She was very close to her father . He had a firm hand and control over the family since their mother was dead ( died when she was a baby ) . He was protective of her and kept her inside a lot as a child so she retreated to her books and computer . So seeing her father killed by the Filipino gang was devastating for her . She feels responsible for his death because of her involvement with her ex . Clay makes Joslyn feel like more than just " one of the boys , " but also a vibrant and attractive woman . He helps her to appreciate her feminine side . He also helps her to loosen her iron control over her life and learn to relax , enjoy life , appreciate nature . As a skip tracer in training , Joslyn Dimalanta knows she has the skills to track down her missing friend . As long as her friend 's startlingly handsome brother , Clay Ashton , doesn 't distract her . But then his sister 's house detonates - almost killing Clay and Joslyn . Now they realize the harsh reality : they must either find the person after Clay 's sister , or face deadly consequences . And the closer the get to exposing the source of the crimes , the more explosive surprises they discover . With every obstacle they overcome , Joslyn finds herself relying on Clay more and more . Still , the peril they face scares her less than the idea of trusting Clay with her wounded heart . The Arizona sun had been unbearably hot since six this morning , but it suddenly became a furnace . A bead of sweat trickled down the side of her neck , and she wiped at it . " I 'm Joslyn Dimalanta . I was good friends with Fiona when she lived in Los Angeles - we were classmates in the same Master 's Degree program . You 're her brother , right ? You look exactly like her . " She took a long breath before answering him . " Fiona sent it three weeks ago , but I only got it a few days ago . It was sent to my old address in L . A . " " Her voice shook . " Worry was etched in his face , in the lines between his brows and alongside his mouth . " I hadn 't heard from her in … " He stopped himself and looked away . Joslyn knew , from what Fiona had mentioned when they were friends in L . A . , that Fiona and Clay had been close as children , but something happened to make them drift apart from each other . Fiona had said that she hadn 't spoken to her half - brother since she graduated college . " Before I got the postcard , I hadn 't spoken to Fiona in the two years since she left L . A . " It was one of the reasons it had been so surprising . " She said she was in trouble and needed my help . But she didn 't say where she was . " The handwriting had been messy , as if written in a hurry , but she 'd recognized it as Fiona 's . " And why wouldn 't she say anything more than that she needed help ? " The knot at the base of her skull tightened even more . " It 's why I came here . I had to do some digging to find her address - after she left L . A . , it looks like she didn 't want to be found , which I thought was strange . " " I had to hire a private investigator to find this address for me . " But there was uncertainty in his face as he glanced at the house . The house 's large bay front window had white curtains pulled across , and there was no way to know if anyone was inside . " Did you ring the doorbell ? " " Fiona always talked about what a great big brother you were , " Joslyn said . Protective . Someone she 'd trust . Fiona had loved him dearly , but had simply shook her head sadly when Joslyn asked why she didn 't try to get in touch with Clay again after all these years . He looked at Joslyn in surprise , his eyes lightening to blue . It transformed his serious face into a man who had been lifted of some type of great burden . But then something painful flickered across his gaze and he turned away . Joslyn followed him to the front door , trying to wrap her head around everything that had come out in the last few minutes . This was too much thrown at her at once - not just the postcard from Fiona , but Clay 's phone call , equally as vague . And then meeting him here , seeing firsthand the strength in his arms and the fearless way he carried himself , which fit the stories Fiona had told Joslyn about Clay being a mob strong - arm in Chicago , before he went to prison . Her first reaction had been attraction , but her second had been wariness . She 'd suffered physically and emotionally at the hands of her ex - boyfriend . She knew not all strong men would hurt her , but she had become extra cautious about putting herself in a situation ever again where she had to be afraid . Clay rang the doorbell , and they could faintly hear it ding - dong inside the house . He stood with his hands in his jeans pockets , but there was a tension across his wide shoulders that belied his casual pose . He rang the doorbell again . Still no answer . " I find people . I also help people disappear . " Joslyn had been especially grateful to her friend Elisabeth , who had originally helped her escape her abusive ex - boyfriend , for giving her a job in the O ' Neill Agency while she finished her last few quarters in school . Joslyn found she enjoyed helping people , especially other women who wanted to get away from dangerous ex - boyfriends or ex - husbands . She understood their situations only too well . Clay went to the front window to try to peer through the crack in the curtains . Joslyn noticed an envelope sticking out of the mail box next to the door and opened the lid . It was full of mail . It didn 't look like Fiona got a lot of junk mail , but the envelopes she did get were postmarked several weeks ago . " I don 't think Fiona 's been home for a while . " That wasn 't a good sign . " The ugliest gnome , " Clay finished for her , flashing a smile . His eyes crinkled and turned a glittering aquamarine , and Joslyn 's heartbeat blipped . While Fiona was beautiful , her brother was incredibly handsome . The backyard was small , and instead of grass it was bricked over with plant beds along the walls , where there were a few orange and lemon trees . However , there were also a line of little gnome statues next to the glass back door , and the ugliest one was clearly the largest , a hideous creature with a long nose , flashing grimy teeth in his grinning mouth . Clay tipped it over and found a key underneath . His brain felt like a bottle of soda that had been shaken and popped open , with fizzing bubbles clouding his vision . There was a ringing that roared in his ears , dominating all other sound . He blinked , and his vision cleared to the sight of Joslyn 's dark hair tumbled over the bricks of the yard . He was sprawled on top of her , and he could smell apricot and jasmine , and the scent of walking through a quiet wood . " Are you all right ? " His voice came from a long way away . He rolled to the side so he wasn 't crushing her beneath him . " Joslyn ? " She moved slowly , lifting her head . Her clear , golden - brown eyes were dazed . She didn 't speak , simply looked at him in confusion . " Come on , we need to get clear of the house . " He rose to his feet , feeling aches in his joints from the blast and the hard landing on the bricks . Joslyn took the hand he held out to her , and they skirted around the less damaged side of the house to get to the front again . Fiona 's next door neighbor had rushed out to her front yard , an older woman with gray permed hair , dressed in a tank top and shorts . She gaped at them as they appeared . " Are you all right ? What happened ? Good gracious , was that a bomb ? Fiona 's poor house . What was a bomb doing in her house ? " What was a bomb doing in Fiona 's house ? It had been rigged to explode as soon as the door was breached . Clay had been incredibly lucky to see the tripwire as he opened the door , and his reflexes had taken over , grabbing Joslyn and leaping aside . Luckily , it looked like it hadn 't been a very large explosion , although it had been enough to blow out a few of the windows in the house . Glass covered the stone garden in the front yard . At least , he hoped it didn 't . The mob family he 'd worked for years ago , before he 'd gone to prison , was now defunct , and he hadn 't been very high on the totem pole to begin with . He didn 't think he had any enemies left who would want revenge on him , but if he did , then rigging his sister 's house to blow up was a rather melodramatic way to do it . A sniper shot would have been easier . " I 'm calling them right now , " said a neighbor from across the street , who had her cell phone . " I can 't believe this . My great - grandkids are with me today , too . " " No , " their great - grandmother said firmly , then spoke into the phone as the police dispatcher picked up the line . " Yes , I 'm here at Braeden Court , and there 's been an explosion ! " She gave Clay a suspicious look . " Oh , don 't mind her , " said Fiona 's next - door neighbor to Clay . " She thinks the government put microchips in polio vaccines so they could monitor everyone . " The woman waved a finger in a circle around her ear . " Completely cuckoo . " " Luckily there 's a lot of space in the side yards and the fence is good and thick . My windows rattled but no damage . I 'm Mary , by the way . " She held out a gnarled hand . " A few weeks ago , I heard barking from her house and went to see what was going on . She gave me a spare key because sometimes she asks me to take care of her dog , Poochie . Poor thing had been left alone for a day or two , looked like , so I took him . " Mary jabbed a thumb backwards toward her house , where the dog was still barking intermittently . " I haven 't seen any sign of Fiona since . I filed a police report , but they haven 't done anything . Did this have to do with all that ? It must have happened after I got her dog . " Mary shuddered at the close call . " Was it a gas leak or something ? " " Um … we 're not sure , " Joslyn said carefully . She looked briefly at Clay , but he somehow knew what she was thinking . The less they told the neighbors , the better . " What happened ? " People started to arrive from other streets in the area , gaping at the house . Mary was only to happy to tell them a dramatized story of the explosion . Clay and Joslyn stepped aside to speak in low voices . " You 're all right ? " he asked her . She was tall but slender , and she seemed so delicate . " Your guess is as good as mine . " He sighed and eyed the ruined shell of the house . " The real question is if they were trying to kill Fiona , or if they were trying to kill whoever came looking for her . Either way , whoever did it was ruthless . " Joslyn shivered , even in the sweltering heat . Clay had dealt with men just as ruthless when he 'd been a street thug for that mob family in Chicago . He hadn 't killed anyone , but if he 'd kept going down that road , who knows what he might have become ? That thought was like a dark blot on his soul . There was the sound of police sirens , and soon a squad car turned the corner and came down the street toward them , followed by paramedics . Clay 's shoulders tensed out of habit , and he relaxed them . He wondered if there would ever be a time when his past wouldn 't crop up in his present . He answered the officer 's questions evenly , but that only seemed to make them suspicious , if the curious looks they threw at him were any indication . He submitted to the paramedic 's exam , but other than a few minor cuts from flying glass and debris , he was fine . Part of the door frame had hit him on the side and a chunk of plaster had glanced off his shoulder , but he shook off the bruises . He 'd had worse . He knew the exact moment the officers had looked him up and found out about his prison record . They had hard glints in their eyes as they approached him - two men , not just one . " So Mr . Ashton , what are you doing here in Arizona ? You 're a long ways from Illinois . " The officer 's name badge read " Campbell . " " Nothing else , " Clay said through a tight jaw . He might have been tempted to mention the phone call from his sister if it hadn 't been for the suspicion in their tones . Anything he said to them would only make things worse for himself , and he needed to be able to find Fiona and make sure she was safe . " And Miss Dima … Dia … " Officer Talbot squinted at his notebook . " What 's your relationship with her ? " He gave a slimy overtone to the word . Clay gritted his teeth . " I just met Joslyn when we both arrived at the house at the same time . To see Fiona . Why is it that the police didn 't contact me , her brother , when her neighbor filed a missing persons report ? " Officer Talbot 's face turned pink and he glanced at his partner . They apparently hadn 't been aware of the missing person 's report , either , or why Clay hadn 't been contacted . " It 's under investigation , " he snapped . Calm down . Clay had to calm down . His temper had gotten him in enough trouble in the past . He couldn 't afford to get in trouble now , when Fiona might be in danger . He wanted to walk away from these two men and the insulting ring to their questions , but he forced himself to stand in a deliberately relaxed stance . Officer Campbell , the older man , gave him a hard look , but then he said , " We have your hotel information and phone number . We 'll be in touch . " It was almost like a threat . However , the two men turned and left him . They began speaking to the other people gathered on the sidewalk . She sighed and looked away . He could almost hear her thoughts . She knew he was right . " Mary was able to give me the exact date she went to collect Poochie . Fiona 's been gone for three weeks , about the time of the postal stamp on the postcard she sent to me . " Clay frowned . " Where did she go ? Why did she need to leave ? Is she really in trouble ? " Had she really called him and sent Joslyn that postcard ? " I was going to drop by her workplace . Since it looks like Fiona doesn 't want to be found , I want to gather as much information as I can about her life here in Phoenix to try to predict where she 'd go . " Joslyn eyed the officers . Talbot was flirting with a young woman , while Campbell was speaking to two men in business casual clothing . " They say , out of sight out of mind , so did you want to come with me ? " Maybe the less the cops saw of him , the less likely they would be to unreasonably blame him for the explosion . " Sure . " Right now , it was the only lead they had on where Fiona might be . After that explosion , he had a feeling this wasn 't a case of his sister going on a spontaneous vacation . He 'd been worried before , but now the fear for her was like a boiling pot in his gut . They 'd gone to Fiona 's workplace , an air conditioning parts manufacturer , only to hear that three weeks ago , a man had called , claiming to be her brother , asking for extended leave for her , citing a family emergency . However , the manager hadn 't been able to get in touch with her after that and she 'd been fired . Who had that been who 'd called ? It obviously wasn 't Clay . That may be why the police hadn 't followed up on the missing person 's report - if they checked with Fiona 's workplace , the manager had heard from her and so there wasn 't a problem , at least at the time Mary called the police about her . Perhaps that had been the point of calling into Fiona 's workplace - to forestall any missing person 's report . Joslyn and Clay had exchanged tense looks . Did someone have Fiona ? But Joslyn remembered that Fiona often visited art museums in Los Angeles . She 'd been friends with the guards at the museum and had formed friendships with other people who visited the museum regularly , mostly artists and critics . Clay had agreed that she 'd done the same in Chicago , when she had lived with him in the years during college and after she graduated . So they 'd left Joslyn 's car in the business parking lot and headed to the largest art museum in Phoenix , the Kevin Tran Museum of Art and Art History . But they apparently weren 't alone . This was too coincidental , that they were being followed right after they 'd triggered that bomb in Fiona 's house . Who had the bomb been for , Fiona or anyone coming after her ? Were the people following them aiming to finish the job , since the explosion at Fiona 's house hadn 't gotten rid of them , or did they want to question Joslyn and Clay ? " Do they want to stop us from finding Fiona , or do they think we know where she is ? " she asked . She had been in this exact situation barely a year ago , running from her ex - boyfriend , nervously looking behind her to make sure she wasn 't followed . She had felt like her life wasn 't her own anymore . She had thought she put those days behind her , yet here she was again . " Phoenix is a grid . How are you going to lose them ? " He got onto the 101 almost casually , as if he 'd always meant to head in that direction , and moved into the leftmost lane . He then slowed down , and soon the white Taurus was directly behind them . Clay was driving so slowly in the fast lane that cars were passing them on the right , and the Taurus couldn 't hide behind other cars . There were two men in the Taurus , both with sunglasses on . The shorter one had curly dark hair , while the other had short dark hair . They also both had identical frowns . " They know you 're on to them , " she said . " It won 't matter in a moment . Hang on . " He cranked the wheel hard to the right and cut off an SUV . It honked at them as Clay swerved right again and cut off a Toyota . He then zoomed right in front of a Mustang in the freeway exit lane only a few feet before it split from the highway , separated by a concrete divider . Joslyn knew the circumstances were extreme , but the sight of the cars looming so close in front of them made her heart shoot up to her throat . " You lost them . " Joslyn had always been a rather cautious driver , trying not to annoy anyone around her . Clay had cut off three cars in less than three seconds . " How did they find us ? Why are they following us ? " She didn 't like not knowing . " Did they follow us from Fiona 's house , or from her workplace ? " " I don 't , either . " It made her feel vulnerable , right when she had been working so hard to get back control in her life . Clay 's mouth grew hard . " Maybe they were the ones who rigged her house to explode and they were waiting to see who would show up . " For a moment , he looked so much like her ex - boyfriend that Joslyn had to look away . Tomas had hated being trapped by other men , and it had brought out an ugly side of him . He 'd had many ugly sides . She took a deep breath . That chapter in her life was over . Tomas was in jail . She was safe . She had been doing everything in her power to make sure she stayed safe . Joslyn thought back to what she 'd had to do to find Fiona 's address . Had her digging around alerted someone that she was after Fiona ? But who ? What in the world had Fiona gotten into ? " Did you have any idea Fiona was in serious trouble like this ? " Joslyn asked . He shook his head slowly . " I hadn 't talked to her in years . I didn 't even know where she 'd gone after she left Chicago . I tried to find her but then … " He 'd gone to prison . Joslyn wondered why Fiona hadn 't reached out to him , especially when it seemed that he still loved her . Fiona hadn 't indicated there had been any bad blood or grudges between them , so why hadn 't she wanted to see her brother again ? " I didn 't know , either , " Joslyn said . " Fiona was just like any other girl when I knew her in Los Angeles , going to classes , hanging out with friends . Except … " She thought back . " She seemed a little sad sometimes , but I knew her mother had died and she didn 't like to talk about her father . I thought she just missed her mom . " " She didn 't have many friends at her workplace , so maybe the answer isn 't in her job , but in what she did outside her job . " Which meant that if she did visit the museum here , as she had done in Los Angeles and Chicago , they might find something about what she 'd been involved in . A standard tactic for skip tracers was to find out as much about the person as possible to figure out where they 'd go . " If I 'm right , Fiona would have gotten at least a season pass for the museum . She had a season ticket for one of the museums in Los Angeles that she enjoyed going to . She got invited to private showings and a few art galas . " " She had a season pass for one of the museums in Chicago , too , " Clay said . " She took me to to a debut art show once . I had to wear a suit . " He grinned , suddenly . " She told me I looked like a bouncer . " But then something , some memory , made the light dim from his eyes and his smile . Joslyn had to stop herself from asking him what had made him so sad . She consulted the pamphlet and saw that the patron services department was in charge of all season pass holders . " This way . " There were signs pointing the way to the patron services office . They passed through several galleries . Some had ethnic themes , such as one long room with art from several premier Chinese American artists who had first settled in Phoenix at the turn of the century , and another room with huge murals of Native American art . One galley was a display of sculptures from different artists that looked like they were made from desert rocks of various colors . Out of habit , Joslyn hesitated before answering . " Mostly classical music . Fiona was my only friend who 'd go to concerts with me and not fall asleep in the middle . " They arrived at a door marked " Patron Services " and went inside . A woman sat behind a desk with horn - rimmed glasses and smiled at them . " May I help you ? " Her name plaque read , " Ruby Padalecki . " Joslyn gave her one of her new business cards . " I 'm an investigator with the O ' Neill Agency . I 'm looking into the disappearance of a young woman who might have been a season pass holder with the museum , Fiona Crowley . " The woman looked at him with her brow furrowed . " Oh , my , you look exactly like … " She swallowed and lowered her voice . " I 'm sorry , but I could lose my job . " Clay held his hands up . " We 're just museum patrons chatting with you , okay ? We 're not after any confidential information that might get you in trouble . " He looked harmless , approachable . She envied the easy way he could engage with Ruby . Joslyn always felt awkward socially . It was the reason she liked computers so much . Clay leaned a hip against the edge of the desk . " My sister likes visiting art museums . She visited all the ones in Chicago . " " She also liked visiting museums when I knew her in Los Angeles , " Joslyn said . Clay scratched the back of his head . " I have to admit , I was really mean . I was at some party with her , and I went to where she was talking to the artist . I told him an embarrassing story about when she was in kindergarten that involved feathers , glitter , and pink panties . She didn 't speak to me for a week , but she didn 't talk to the artist again , so it was a win for me . " Ruby winced . " Well , there is one Native American artist who 's tall , dark , and swarthy - he looks like a pirate . All the girls on staff here think he 's incredibly handsome . Fiona 's friendly with him , but then again , she 's just as friendly with Rufus , one of the guards . " Ruby sobered . " It 's been several weeks . Rufus and I are a little worried . I even called her house a few times , but she didn 't answer . " " He 's wandering around , just keeping any eye on things . Tall , lanky , African American man . " Ruby reached out to grab Joslyn 's hand . " Please find out what happened to Fiona . I hope it 's nothing serious . " " We 'll find her , " Joslyn said . Fiona had left a hole in Joslyn 's life when she left Los Angeles . Joslyn didn 't have many women friends , and she always wondered if she might not have dated her abusive ex , Tomas , if Fiona had still been there with her frank opinions and logical insights . The least she could do was find out what happened to her friend now that it looked like she 'd gotten into something dangerous after she 'd left the master 's program in L . A . They had to circle almost the entire museum before they found Rufus , an older man so slender that his guard uniform hung loosely on him . He had a short gray beard and almost completely bald head with his curly gray hair cut short . As they approached him , he frowned at them as if he were trying to look menacing . " Something I can help you folks with ? " Then his eye fell on Clay , and his brows rose halfway up his forehead . " Well , I 'll be . You look just like Fiona . You must be that brother she told me about . " Joslyn felt as if her head was in a furnace , and Clay had turned redder than a beet . " I 'm Joslyn . I was Fiona 's friend when she lived in Los Angeles . " Rufus sighed heavily . " Don 't know what 's happened to her . I 'm worried . She didn 't seem like she was into anything shady , but that man she met seemed awful slick , if you know what I mean . " " This older guy , although not quite as old as me . Seems like nobody 's quite as old as me , these days . " He flashed a grin , his smile bright in his dark face . " He was sitting and chatting with Fiona , and she looked pretty shaken . " " No , she didn 't come in with him . She was alone when I saw her enter the front door - she gave me a smile and a wave - and this guy came and met her in the antique Chinese art room only half an hour later . She seemed surprised to see him , so I don 't think she was intending to meet him here . They only talked five or ten minutes , but it was enough to make Fiona look upset and leave the museum early . " " No , she just smiled and waved , but she looked kinda distracted , " Rufus said . " Sometimes she chats with me , sometimes not . But that was the last time I saw her . No police have been by , so I wondered if maybe she was on vacation or something . But I think she 'd - a told me if that was the case . It must have been that guy . " If Clay knew who the man was , Joslyn would have expected him to be more triumphant . Instead , he seemed even more perplexed . " Do you know him ? " she asked . He looked up at her , and his eyes had turned a stormy gray . " It doesn 't make sense why she 'd disappear because of him . I think that was Martin Crowley - her father , and my stepfather . " Why would Fiona disappear after talking to Martin ? As far as Clay knew , they were still on comfortable terms . Maybe not chummy , but not at odds with each other . And Martin wouldn 't do anything to hurt Fiona , no matter what he 'd done to Clay . " Her father ? " Rufus said . Clay had forgotten he was still there . " Now that 's interesting . Fiona never seemed happy when she talked about her daddy . And she certainly wasn 't happy that man had come to talk to her that day . " Joslyn tilted her head . " Well , she was closer to Martin when I first knew her , but especially just before she left Los Angeles , he seemed to annoy her or upset her more often . She never wanted to talk about him . I guess in the past two years , they never healed the breach . " " He must have said something to her to make her upset . But I don 't know why he 'd have anything to do with why she 'd disappear . He wouldn 't hurt her . " " If she were in danger from Martin , he 'd have taken her at the museum , and he wouldn 't have bothered to speak to her first . " Clay sighed . " Plus I have a hard time believing Fiona would be involved in anything shady that Martin might be doing . " He remembered his last big argument with Fiona in Chicago , and the reason she 'd moved away from him . He remembered Fiona 's thready voice in the phone call he 'd received . " The thing is , if she were safe with Martin , she wouldn 't have asked us for help . My phone call and your postcard happened after she disappeared . " Clay rubbed his forehead . He knew what he had to do , but didn 't like being forced to approach Martin again , like a servant asking for a favor . " I have Martin 's extension at his office . I 'll give him a call and ask about Fiona . " He tasted acid at the back of his throat as he listened to the phone ringing . When a man 's voice answered , he almost couldn 't speak and had to swallow before he said , " Martin ? This is Clay . " Clay felt both relief and frustration . " Please ask him to call his stepson as soon as possible . It 's about Fiona . " He gave his phone number , but he had a feeling Martin wouldn 't call him back . Not to be malicious , but simply because to Martin , Clay didn 't matter . They exited the front double doors of the museum into the bright sunlight , and the heat slapped them like a ten - foot wave . Clay had to pause to adjust to the change in temperature . That 's when he saw it . " How could they have found us ? " Her eyes unfocused as she thought , and she began lightly rubbing a strange - shaped scar above her left eye . It seemed she wasn 't aware she was doing it . " Maybe your rental car … I 'll have to check it . " " That 's kind of high tech . Then again , if they 're the same guys who rigged Fiona 's house , I guess I could believe they could do it . " Clay kept sweeping his gaze over the parking lot even as they headed to his car . " Don 't unlock it just yet . " Joslyn began circling the car , checking the rims , finally dropping onto the sizzling asphalt to check the underside of the carriage . " I don 't see anything . " Clay hadn 't stopped looking around , but they were the only ones moving around out here . The other cars in the lot seemed empty , and he couldn 't see the white Taurus , although many of the cars were white . He 'd noticed that about Phoenix - lots of white and light colored cars , probably to combat the heat . " Let 's get out of here . " And men who had access to explosives might have access to that kind of equipment . " Okay , so where to ? " He backed out of the parking stall . Clay kept an eye behind them as they drove , but he couldn 't spot a tail if there was one . He had done his fair share of tailing people when he had worked for that mob family in Chicago , but even then , he hadn 't been great at noticing them following himself . How ironic that he could have used some of his criminal skills now . Still , he didn 't regret getting out of that life , paying his dues . He just wished he could feel he had finally settled that debt . " You never know . " After Joslyn had paid using cash , they walked away and she said , " Plus , I noticed the kiosk didn 't seem to keep good records . If anyone knows we went here , they might have a hard time figuring out which phones we bought , and their numbers . " " I don 't need a suit , do I ? " Clay inwardly groaned . He wasn 't uncomfortable wearing a suit , but in this heat , it would be torture , even though all of the places had air conditioning . Joslyn 's eyes twinkled like chips of amber , as if she could guess what he was thinking . " No . Just something that doesn 't look like you just played basketball with the fellas . " He found some khaki shorts and a short - sleeved polo shirt , which he wore out of the store , his old clothes in a bag . He caught Joslyn looking appreciatively as he stood in line to pay . When she saw he had noticed , she blushed and turned away . They headed to a women 's clothing store . Clay looked at the faces in the crowd , and because of his height , he could see over most heads , but he didn 't notice anyone who looked like the men in the white Taurus . It was hard to tell if anyone was following them in the crowd since most people were going from store to store , like they were , so he saw several people more than once . He didn 't know why he did it , but his hand closed over hers as she lifted the hanger off the rack . " Wait . You 're not getting that , are you ? " " Well , I 've worn dresses , of course , but usually … " She looked flustered . " I don 't know , it 's just kind of … girly . " He tried another tactic . " You said it yourself , if we talk to other people , they respond better if we 're better clothed . It 's less intimidating if we look like a couple . And we 'd look more like a couple if you wear a dress rather than pants and a polo shirt . " Her brows were knit as if she wasn 't sure she quite believed him , but she took the dress and put it back . He was about to argue when she said , " It 's the wrong size . " She grabbed another one and headed to the changing rooms . Clay blew out a breath . She was nothing like the other women he 'd known . Joslyn seemed more masculine in some ways , carrying herself as if unaware of her body , and yet she was so beautiful . She stepped out of the changing room , and despite the scowl on her face , the image of her in the sundress made his heart stop for a moment . Her collarbones rose above the modest neckline and her arms were bare , showing off her delicate bone structure . The skirt swirling above her knees floated around the curves of her figure . " Nothing , " he said quickly . " You 're just … you look captivating . " The word was more romantic than he 'd intended to say , but it just popped out , and it was exactly what she was . Joslyn turned a deep red and looked away . It seemed as if she were struggling with some memory . Then she took a deep breath and seemed to regain her composure . " Is this fine ? " Her voice was businesslike . She stilled , like a deer in the woods , her brown eyes wide . Her skin was soft , and the feel of it sent tingles up his hand , his forearm , his shoulder . Then someone accidentally bumped into him from behind , and the moment was over . " Better to be safe than sorry . We should probably throw them in the trash … " She stared at the parking stall . " Wasn 't our car here ? " Instead of his gold - colored Nissan rental , a silver colored pickup truck stood in the spot . " Maybe we 're on the wrong row . " He strode down a different row , but he was almost certain it was wrong . He remembered that they 'd gotten out of the car and the row had led directly to the children 's clothing store at the edge of the mall . God had protected her once , and she 'd trusted that He 'd protect her again , especially if she was careful about the situations she 'd put herself into . But since coming to Phoenix and meeting Clay , the situation had gotten more and more unpredictable . Yet a part of her seemed to sense that while Tomas 's temper had gotten out of control , Clay wouldn 't cross that line . Clay blew out a long breath and put his hands on his hips , then his back lost that stiffness and he turned to her with an expression still frustrated , but calmer . " You 're right . I 'll call them now . And I have to call the rental company , too . " Joslyn was surprised she hadn 't had to do more than suggest it . Tomas would have said … But Clay wasn 't Tomas , was he ? In that clothing store , the way he 'd looked at her had made her feel … She hadn 't been attracted to a man in a long time . Her last relationship had been so disastrous , she had walled off her heart and her senses . But now it seemed she was changing , and she wasn 't sure she wanted it that way . She still felt vulnerable after all she 'd lost . Her eyes refocused on Clay , speaking to a cab company on his cell phone . Fiona had spoken warmly , although a bit sadly about her brother . She could see aspects of Fiona in Clay , their friendliness to others , their protectiveness . And like Fiona , Clay made Joslyn think differently about herself . Clay had pulled her even further out , shattering her habit of thinking of herself as " one of the guys . " He 'd had difficulty in explaining why , but he 'd wanted her to wear that dress . And she didn 't understand why she 'd listened to him . After all , Tomas had done the same thing - bought her dresses , told her she was beautiful . Since that episode in her life , she 'd retreated to her old fashion sense , the one she 'd had before Tomas , which consisted of pants and shirts , practical things that were similar to what the other engineers wore . So why had she listened to Clay about the sundress ? Wasn 't this a bad thing ? Clay hung up . " The cab should be here in a few minutes . They 're not far away . The rental company said they 'd file the police report since they have GPS tracking on the car . " They dumped their clothes out on the ground and carefully felt around , but didn 't find anything obvious . " It 's probably still a good idea to toss our clothes . It might make it harder for the men following us to recognize us . Our cell phones , too , in case they managed to put a tracker in them or clone them . " But before she could tell him , the cab arrived . It drove them to Fiona 's workplace so she could pick up her car . When the cab had left , Joslyn asked , " What now ? " His hotel was close to Fiona 's house , which was unfortunately halfway across town , so it took them the better part of an hour before they were finally pulling into the hotel parking lot . There were a couple police squad cars parked outside the front doors . Clay 's shoulders were bunched as he saw them . Joslyn wondered if it was a throwback to his time working for that mob family . He certainly wouldn 't have been happy to see the police back then . Then they were surrounded by police officers , and it seemed like all of them were shouting . Joslyn looked at Clay , but he had the same perplexed look . " What do we do ? " she asked .
Janet Sketchley is the author of Heaven 's Prey and Secrets and Lies , two novels of suspense and redemption . She also blogs about faith and books . Like Carol in Secrets and Lies , Janet loves music and tea . Unlike Carol , she isn 't related to a dangerous offender , has a happy home life , and has never been threatened by a drug lord . May those tidbits continue to hold true ! You can find Janet online at janetsketchley . ca . Fans of Christian suspense are invited to join Janet 's writing journey through her monthly newsletter : bit . ly / JanetSketchleyNews . Secrets and Lies page ( includes purchase links ) : http : / / janetsketchley . ca / books / secrets - and - lies / Sample Chapter : http : / / janetsketchley . ca / wp - content / uploads / 2014 / 10 / Secrets - and - Lies - Chapter - 1 . pdf Facebook : www . facebook . com / JanetSketchley Twitter : twitter . com / JanetSketchley Amazon Author Central : www . amazon . com / author / janetsketchley Pinterest : pinterest . com / janetsketchley / INTERVIEW Can you tell us a little bit about yourself ? I live on the east coast of Canada , with my husband of over 30 years . We 're almost empty - nesters , with our youngest son home from university for the summer but living in another province for most of the year . I 'm grateful to not be working outside the home , and profoundly impressed by those writers who hold down full time jobs and keep up their writing . What do you do when you are not writing ? I 'm perpetually behind on the domestic front , but in my free time I read ( too much ) , knit and cross - stitch , and I enjoy a good cup of tea . I 'm part of a weekly Bible study and prayer group at my church and also sing with the worship team . And a few times a week I go to the gym for classes or treadmill - time . How did you choose the genre you write in ? I like writing for the Christian market because it lets me explore how faith affects our lives . Clean mainstream reads are good too , but they create stories where God isn 't in the picture . I started with suspense because that 's the story idea that came to me and wouldn 't let me go until I wrote it . What has been the toughest criticism given to you as an author ? What has been the best compliment ? One of my first published short stories came back from a writing contest with a judge 's assessment that the characters were unrealistic and too obviously vehicles to convey a message . At least that 's how I remember the criticism now . It was a powerful motivator for me to delve deeper with my characters and make them real - something I 'm still working on , because we never stop growing . Best compliment : in Secrets and Lies , Carol comes to faith from a mindset of fear . Another character coaches her through a prayer for help in retraining her thoughts . One of my reader friends confided to me that she prayed that prayer along with Carol . It doesn 't get much better than that for an author , to hear that fictional words touched a beating , human heart . If you could go back in time and do something differently in your writing career , what would it be ? One of my characters would still have her " real " name . In the early drafts of Heaven 's Prey , the heroine 's name is Ruth Waring . Imagine my surprise at a writing conference when I met a real - life Ruth Waring ! The writer - Ruth was very gracious about sharing her name with a fictional character . When we met again few years later and spent more time together , I started to hear writer - Ruth 's voice when working with character - Ruth , who sounds different . I renamed my fictional Ruth , but the change hasn 't stuck well in my mind . What do you see happening in your career ten years from now ? I expect I 'll still be self - publishing ( my original publisher closed its fiction line , so I regained my rights to that book and went indie rather than looking elsewhere ) . Ten years from now . . . I hope to have a couple of new series completed , after wrapping up the Redemption 's Edge series this fall . I 'd like to be writing both suspense and speculative fiction and making an appreciable contribution to our household income . Sounds like I have my work cut out for me ! Secrets and LiesRedemption 's Edge Series A single mother must protect her teenage son - from organized crime and from himself . Carol Daniels thinks she out - ran her enemies , until a detective arrives at her door with a warning from her convict brother . Minor incidents take on a sinister meaning . An anonymous phone call warns her not to hide again . Now she must cooperate with a drug lord while the police work to trap him . Carol has always handled crisis alone , but this one might break her . Late - night deejay Joey Hill offers friendship and moral support . Can she trust him ? One thing 's certain . She can 't risk prayer . If you 'd like to win a copy of Janet 's book , Secrets and Lies , leave a comment , along with your contact information . We 'll draw a winner next week ! Posted by Jessica Parker returns to her hometown of Harmony Grove to deal with her estranged sister 's suicide , but she 's as unwanted as a moderately successful , grown woman as she was as the troubled teen with a chip on her shoulder when she fled eight years before . The curious details of her sister 's death , however , command that she remain and unravel the thick camouflage that covers a sinister plot . While her presence causes some in town to wish her gone , her intent causes others to wish her dead . 19 . For more information about Dr . Mabry , visit his website . INTERVIEW Can you tell us a little bit about yourself ? I 'm a retired physician living outside Dallas , IF YOU ' D LIKE TO WIN A COPY OF DR . MABRY ' S BOOK , FATAL TRAUMA , LEAVE A COMMENT , ALONG WITH YOUR CONTACT INFO . U . S . ONLY PLEASE . Posted by Joslyn has always been just " one of the guys . " She was from a poor background , so she was working at an electronics store in Los Angeles and putting herself through school in computer programming . She 's always been a bit tomboyish and shy , with not much experience with dating , so she was easily charmed by her ex - boyfriend , a captain in a Filipino gang , when he started paying attention to her . He spotted her at the electronics store where she worked , and he had been handsome , masculine , persistent in his pursuit of her . She has always been attracted to powerful men . She never had a lot of women friends , which made her more isolated when he started abusing her . When she ran away to Oregon , she lost her baby and the woman she was working for helped her through that ordeal . The woman also talked a lot about Christ to her , and so Joslyn has been seeking Christ more and more . However , she wasn 't entirely happy in Oregon because she likes the city , books , technology . She 's lost a lot and has gone through a grieving process after her father was murdered and she miscarried her baby . She had to leave school and her job to run away from her ex , so she has to start the school year all over again . At least she 's able to work for Liam and Elisabeth at their new skip - tracing agency rather than trying to find a new job . However , the events of the months before shook her up pretty badly , and she 's determined to never be vulnerable again . She has trained in self - defense at a local gym and gotten her Conceal and Carry license for a firearm . She 's grateful to Liam and Elisabeth for saving her and for bringing her into their " family " in Sonoma after the loss of her father . She is a good team player and only wants their business to succeed . She 's learned from Elisabeth that a woman can be a good friend , and strong as well . She was very close to her father . He had a firm hand and control over the family since their mother was dead ( died when she was a baby ) . He was protective of her and kept her inside a lot as a child so she retreated to her books and computer . So seeing her father killed by the Filipino gang was devastating for her . She feels responsible for his death because of her involvement with her ex . Clay makes Joslyn feel like more than just " one of the boys , " but also a vibrant and attractive woman . He helps her to appreciate her feminine side . He also helps her to loosen her iron control over her life and learn to relax , enjoy life , appreciate nature . As a skip tracer in training , Joslyn Dimalanta knows she has the skills to track down her missing friend . As long as her friend 's startlingly handsome brother , Clay Ashton , doesn 't distract her . But then his sister 's house detonates - almost killing Clay and Joslyn . Now they realize the harsh reality : they must either find the person after Clay 's sister , or face deadly consequences . And the closer the get to exposing the source of the crimes , the more explosive surprises they discover . With every obstacle they overcome , Joslyn finds herself relying on Clay more and more . Still , the peril they face scares her less than the idea of trusting Clay with her wounded heart . The Arizona sun had been unbearably hot since six this morning , but it suddenly became a furnace . A bead of sweat trickled down the side of her neck , and she wiped at it . " I 'm Joslyn Dimalanta . I was good friends with Fiona when she lived in Los Angeles - we were classmates in the same Master 's Degree program . You 're her brother , right ? You look exactly like her . " She took a long breath before answering him . " Fiona sent it three weeks ago , but I only got it a few days ago . It was sent to my old address in L . A . " " Her voice shook . " Worry was etched in his face , in the lines between his brows and alongside his mouth . " I hadn 't heard from her in … " He stopped himself and looked away . Joslyn knew , from what Fiona had mentioned when they were friends in L . A . , that Fiona and Clay had been close as children , but something happened to make them drift apart from each other . Fiona had said that she hadn 't spoken to her half - brother since she graduated college . " Before I got the postcard , I hadn 't spoken to Fiona in the two years since she left L . A . " It was one of the reasons it had been so surprising . " She said she was in trouble and needed my help . But she didn 't say where she was . " The handwriting had been messy , as if written in a hurry , but she 'd recognized it as Fiona 's . " And why wouldn 't she say anything more than that she needed help ? " The knot at the base of her skull tightened even more . " It 's why I came here . I had to do some digging to find her address - after she left L . A . , it looks like she didn 't want to be found , which I thought was strange . " " I had to hire a private investigator to find this address for me . " But there was uncertainty in his face as he glanced at the house . The house 's large bay front window had white curtains pulled across , and there was no way to know if anyone was inside . " Did you ring the doorbell ? " " Fiona always talked about what a great big brother you were , " Joslyn said . Protective . Someone she 'd trust . Fiona had loved him dearly , but had simply shook her head sadly when Joslyn asked why she didn 't try to get in touch with Clay again after all these years . He looked at Joslyn in surprise , his eyes lightening to blue . It transformed his serious face into a man who had been lifted of some type of great burden . But then something painful flickered across his gaze and he turned away . Joslyn followed him to the front door , trying to wrap her head around everything that had come out in the last few minutes . This was too much thrown at her at once - not just the postcard from Fiona , but Clay 's phone call , equally as vague . And then meeting him here , seeing firsthand the strength in his arms and the fearless way he carried himself , which fit the stories Fiona had told Joslyn about Clay being a mob strong - arm in Chicago , before he went to prison . Her first reaction had been attraction , but her second had been wariness . She 'd suffered physically and emotionally at the hands of her ex - boyfriend . She knew not all strong men would hurt her , but she had become extra cautious about putting herself in a situation ever again where she had to be afraid . Clay rang the doorbell , and they could faintly hear it ding - dong inside the house . He stood with his hands in his jeans pockets , but there was a tension across his wide shoulders that belied his casual pose . He rang the doorbell again . Still no answer . " I find people . I also help people disappear . " Joslyn had been especially grateful to her friend Elisabeth , who had originally helped her escape her abusive ex - boyfriend , for giving her a job in the O ' Neill Agency while she finished her last few quarters in school . Joslyn found she enjoyed helping people , especially other women who wanted to get away from dangerous ex - boyfriends or ex - husbands . She understood their situations only too well . Clay went to the front window to try to peer through the crack in the curtains . Joslyn noticed an envelope sticking out of the mail box next to the door and opened the lid . It was full of mail . It didn 't look like Fiona got a lot of junk mail , but the envelopes she did get were postmarked several weeks ago . " I don 't think Fiona 's been home for a while . " That wasn 't a good sign . " The ugliest gnome , " Clay finished for her , flashing a smile . His eyes crinkled and turned a glittering aquamarine , and Joslyn 's heartbeat blipped . While Fiona was beautiful , her brother was incredibly handsome . The backyard was small , and instead of grass it was bricked over with plant beds along the walls , where there were a few orange and lemon trees . However , there were also a line of little gnome statues next to the glass back door , and the ugliest one was clearly the largest , a hideous creature with a long nose , flashing grimy teeth in his grinning mouth . Clay tipped it over and found a key underneath . His brain felt like a bottle of soda that had been shaken and popped open , with fizzing bubbles clouding his vision . There was a ringing that roared in his ears , dominating all other sound . He blinked , and his vision cleared to the sight of Joslyn 's dark hair tumbled over the bricks of the yard . He was sprawled on top of her , and he could smell apricot and jasmine , and the scent of walking through a quiet wood . " Are you all right ? " His voice came from a long way away . He rolled to the side so he wasn 't crushing her beneath him . " Joslyn ? " She moved slowly , lifting her head . Her clear , golden - brown eyes were dazed . She didn 't speak , simply looked at him in confusion . " Come on , we need to get clear of the house . " He rose to his feet , feeling aches in his joints from the blast and the hard landing on the bricks . Joslyn took the hand he held out to her , and they skirted around the less damaged side of the house to get to the front again . Fiona 's next door neighbor had rushed out to her front yard , an older woman with gray permed hair , dressed in a tank top and shorts . She gaped at them as they appeared . " Are you all right ? What happened ? Good gracious , was that a bomb ? Fiona 's poor house . What was a bomb doing in her house ? " What was a bomb doing in Fiona 's house ? It had been rigged to explode as soon as the door was breached . Clay had been incredibly lucky to see the tripwire as he opened the door , and his reflexes had taken over , grabbing Joslyn and leaping aside . Luckily , it looked like it hadn 't been a very large explosion , although it had been enough to blow out a few of the windows in the house . Glass covered the stone garden in the front yard . At least , he hoped it didn 't . The mob family he 'd worked for years ago , before he 'd gone to prison , was now defunct , and he hadn 't been very high on the totem pole to begin with . He didn 't think he had any enemies left who would want revenge on him , but if he did , then rigging his sister 's house to blow up was a rather melodramatic way to do it . A sniper shot would have been easier . " I 'm calling them right now , " said a neighbor from across the street , who had her cell phone . " I can 't believe this . My great - grandkids are with me today , too . " " No , " their great - grandmother said firmly , then spoke into the phone as the police dispatcher picked up the line . " Yes , I 'm here at Braeden Court , and there 's been an explosion ! " She gave Clay a suspicious look . " Oh , don 't mind her , " said Fiona 's next - door neighbor to Clay . " She thinks the government put microchips in polio vaccines so they could monitor everyone . " The woman waved a finger in a circle around her ear . " Completely cuckoo . " " Luckily there 's a lot of space in the side yards and the fence is good and thick . My windows rattled but no damage . I 'm Mary , by the way . " She held out a gnarled hand . " A few weeks ago , I heard barking from her house and went to see what was going on . She gave me a spare key because sometimes she asks me to take care of her dog , Poochie . Poor thing had been left alone for a day or two , looked like , so I took him . " Mary jabbed a thumb backwards toward her house , where the dog was still barking intermittently . " I haven 't seen any sign of Fiona since . I filed a police report , but they haven 't done anything . Did this have to do with all that ? It must have happened after I got her dog . " Mary shuddered at the close call . " Was it a gas leak or something ? " " Um … we 're not sure , " Joslyn said carefully . She looked briefly at Clay , but he somehow knew what she was thinking . The less they told the neighbors , the better . " What happened ? " People started to arrive from other streets in the area , gaping at the house . Mary was only to happy to tell them a dramatized story of the explosion . Clay and Joslyn stepped aside to speak in low voices . " You 're all right ? " he asked her . She was tall but slender , and she seemed so delicate . " Your guess is as good as mine . " He sighed and eyed the ruined shell of the house . " The real question is if they were trying to kill Fiona , or if they were trying to kill whoever came looking for her . Either way , whoever did it was ruthless . " Joslyn shivered , even in the sweltering heat . Clay had dealt with men just as ruthless when he 'd been a street thug for that mob family in Chicago . He hadn 't killed anyone , but if he 'd kept going down that road , who knows what he might have become ? That thought was like a dark blot on his soul . There was the sound of police sirens , and soon a squad car turned the corner and came down the street toward them , followed by paramedics . Clay 's shoulders tensed out of habit , and he relaxed them . He wondered if there would ever be a time when his past wouldn 't crop up in his present . He answered the officer 's questions evenly , but that only seemed to make them suspicious , if the curious looks they threw at him were any indication . He submitted to the paramedic 's exam , but other than a few minor cuts from flying glass and debris , he was fine . Part of the door frame had hit him on the side and a chunk of plaster had glanced off his shoulder , but he shook off the bruises . He 'd had worse . He knew the exact moment the officers had looked him up and found out about his prison record . They had hard glints in their eyes as they approached him - two men , not just one . " So Mr . Ashton , what are you doing here in Arizona ? You 're a long ways from Illinois . " The officer 's name badge read " Campbell . " " Nothing else , " Clay said through a tight jaw . He might have been tempted to mention the phone call from his sister if it hadn 't been for the suspicion in their tones . Anything he said to them would only make things worse for himself , and he needed to be able to find Fiona and make sure she was safe . " And Miss Dima … Dia … " Officer Talbot squinted at his notebook . " What 's your relationship with her ? " He gave a slimy overtone to the word . Clay gritted his teeth . " I just met Joslyn when we both arrived at the house at the same time . To see Fiona . Why is it that the police didn 't contact me , her brother , when her neighbor filed a missing persons report ? " Officer Talbot 's face turned pink and he glanced at his partner . They apparently hadn 't been aware of the missing person 's report , either , or why Clay hadn 't been contacted . " It 's under investigation , " he snapped . Calm down . Clay had to calm down . His temper had gotten him in enough trouble in the past . He couldn 't afford to get in trouble now , when Fiona might be in danger . He wanted to walk away from these two men and the insulting ring to their questions , but he forced himself to stand in a deliberately relaxed stance . Officer Campbell , the older man , gave him a hard look , but then he said , " We have your hotel information and phone number . We 'll be in touch . " It was almost like a threat . However , the two men turned and left him . They began speaking to the other people gathered on the sidewalk . She sighed and looked away . He could almost hear her thoughts . She knew he was right . " Mary was able to give me the exact date she went to collect Poochie . Fiona 's been gone for three weeks , about the time of the postal stamp on the postcard she sent to me . " Clay frowned . " Where did she go ? Why did she need to leave ? Is she really in trouble ? " Had she really called him and sent Joslyn that postcard ? " I was going to drop by her workplace . Since it looks like Fiona doesn 't want to be found , I want to gather as much information as I can about her life here in Phoenix to try to predict where she 'd go . " Joslyn eyed the officers . Talbot was flirting with a young woman , while Campbell was speaking to two men in business casual clothing . " They say , out of sight out of mind , so did you want to come with me ? " Maybe the less the cops saw of him , the less likely they would be to unreasonably blame him for the explosion . " Sure . " Right now , it was the only lead they had on where Fiona might be . After that explosion , he had a feeling this wasn 't a case of his sister going on a spontaneous vacation . He 'd been worried before , but now the fear for her was like a boiling pot in his gut . They 'd gone to Fiona 's workplace , an air conditioning parts manufacturer , only to hear that three weeks ago , a man had called , claiming to be her brother , asking for extended leave for her , citing a family emergency . However , the manager hadn 't been able to get in touch with her after that and she 'd been fired . Who had that been who 'd called ? It obviously wasn 't Clay . That may be why the police hadn 't followed up on the missing person 's report - if they checked with Fiona 's workplace , the manager had heard from her and so there wasn 't a problem , at least at the time Mary called the police about her . Perhaps that had been the point of calling into Fiona 's workplace - to forestall any missing person 's report . Joslyn and Clay had exchanged tense looks . Did someone have Fiona ? But Joslyn remembered that Fiona often visited art museums in Los Angeles . She 'd been friends with the guards at the museum and had formed friendships with other people who visited the museum regularly , mostly artists and critics . Clay had agreed that she 'd done the same in Chicago , when she had lived with him in the years during college and after she graduated . So they 'd left Joslyn 's car in the business parking lot and headed to the largest art museum in Phoenix , the Kevin Tran Museum of Art and Art History . But they apparently weren 't alone . This was too coincidental , that they were being followed right after they 'd triggered that bomb in Fiona 's house . Who had the bomb been for , Fiona or anyone coming after her ? Were the people following them aiming to finish the job , since the explosion at Fiona 's house hadn 't gotten rid of them , or did they want to question Joslyn and Clay ? " Do they want to stop us from finding Fiona , or do they think we know where she is ? " she asked . She had been in this exact situation barely a year ago , running from her ex - boyfriend , nervously looking behind her to make sure she wasn 't followed . She had felt like her life wasn 't her own anymore . She had thought she put those days behind her , yet here she was again . " Phoenix is a grid . How are you going to lose them ? " He got onto the 101 almost casually , as if he 'd always meant to head in that direction , and moved into the leftmost lane . He then slowed down , and soon the white Taurus was directly behind them . Clay was driving so slowly in the fast lane that cars were passing them on the right , and the Taurus couldn 't hide behind other cars . There were two men in the Taurus , both with sunglasses on . The shorter one had curly dark hair , while the other had short dark hair . They also both had identical frowns . " They know you 're on to them , " she said . " It won 't matter in a moment . Hang on . " He cranked the wheel hard to the right and cut off an SUV . It honked at them as Clay swerved right again and cut off a Toyota . He then zoomed right in front of a Mustang in the freeway exit lane only a few feet before it split from the highway , separated by a concrete divider . Joslyn knew the circumstances were extreme , but the sight of the cars looming so close in front of them made her heart shoot up to her throat . " You lost them . " Joslyn had always been a rather cautious driver , trying not to annoy anyone around her . Clay had cut off three cars in less than three seconds . " How did they find us ? Why are they following us ? " She didn 't like not knowing . " Did they follow us from Fiona 's house , or from her workplace ? " " I don 't , either . " It made her feel vulnerable , right when she had been working so hard to get back control in her life . Clay 's mouth grew hard . " Maybe they were the ones who rigged her house to explode and they were waiting to see who would show up . " For a moment , he looked so much like her ex - boyfriend that Joslyn had to look away . Tomas had hated being trapped by other men , and it had brought out an ugly side of him . He 'd had many ugly sides . She took a deep breath . That chapter in her life was over . Tomas was in jail . She was safe . She had been doing everything in her power to make sure she stayed safe . Joslyn thought back to what she 'd had to do to find Fiona 's address . Had her digging around alerted someone that she was after Fiona ? But who ? What in the world had Fiona gotten into ? " Did you have any idea Fiona was in serious trouble like this ? " Joslyn asked . He shook his head slowly . " I hadn 't talked to her in years . I didn 't even know where she 'd gone after she left Chicago . I tried to find her but then … " He 'd gone to prison . Joslyn wondered why Fiona hadn 't reached out to him , especially when it seemed that he still loved her . Fiona hadn 't indicated there had been any bad blood or grudges between them , so why hadn 't she wanted to see her brother again ? " I didn 't know , either , " Joslyn said . " Fiona was just like any other girl when I knew her in Los Angeles , going to classes , hanging out with friends . Except … " She thought back . " She seemed a little sad sometimes , but I knew her mother had died and she didn 't like to talk about her father . I thought she just missed her mom . " " She didn 't have many friends at her workplace , so maybe the answer isn 't in her job , but in what she did outside her job . " Which meant that if she did visit the museum here , as she had done in Los Angeles and Chicago , they might find something about what she 'd been involved in . A standard tactic for skip tracers was to find out as much about the person as possible to figure out where they 'd go . " If I 'm right , Fiona would have gotten at least a season pass for the museum . She had a season ticket for one of the museums in Los Angeles that she enjoyed going to . She got invited to private showings and a few art galas . " " She had a season pass for one of the museums in Chicago , too , " Clay said . " She took me to to a debut art show once . I had to wear a suit . " He grinned , suddenly . " She told me I looked like a bouncer . " But then something , some memory , made the light dim from his eyes and his smile . Joslyn had to stop herself from asking him what had made him so sad . She consulted the pamphlet and saw that the patron services department was in charge of all season pass holders . " This way . " There were signs pointing the way to the patron services office . They passed through several galleries . Some had ethnic themes , such as one long room with art from several premier Chinese American artists who had first settled in Phoenix at the turn of the century , and another room with huge murals of Native American art . One galley was a display of sculptures from different artists that looked like they were made from desert rocks of various colors . Out of habit , Joslyn hesitated before answering . " Mostly classical music . Fiona was my only friend who 'd go to concerts with me and not fall asleep in the middle . " They arrived at a door marked " Patron Services " and went inside . A woman sat behind a desk with horn - rimmed glasses and smiled at them . " May I help you ? " Her name plaque read , " Ruby Padalecki . " Joslyn gave her one of her new business cards . " I 'm an investigator with the O ' Neill Agency . I 'm looking into the disappearance of a young woman who might have been a season pass holder with the museum , Fiona Crowley . " The woman looked at him with her brow furrowed . " Oh , my , you look exactly like … " She swallowed and lowered her voice . " I 'm sorry , but I could lose my job . " Clay held his hands up . " We 're just museum patrons chatting with you , okay ? We 're not after any confidential information that might get you in trouble . " He looked harmless , approachable . She envied the easy way he could engage with Ruby . Joslyn always felt awkward socially . It was the reason she liked computers so much . Clay leaned a hip against the edge of the desk . " My sister likes visiting art museums . She visited all the ones in Chicago . " " She also liked visiting museums when I knew her in Los Angeles , " Joslyn said . Clay scratched the back of his head . " I have to admit , I was really mean . I was at some party with her , and I went to where she was talking to the artist . I told him an embarrassing story about when she was in kindergarten that involved feathers , glitter , and pink panties . She didn 't speak to me for a week , but she didn 't talk to the artist again , so it was a win for me . " Ruby winced . " Well , there is one Native American artist who 's tall , dark , and swarthy - he looks like a pirate . All the girls on staff here think he 's incredibly handsome . Fiona 's friendly with him , but then again , she 's just as friendly with Rufus , one of the guards . " Ruby sobered . " It 's been several weeks . Rufus and I are a little worried . I even called her house a few times , but she didn 't answer . " " He 's wandering around , just keeping any eye on things . Tall , lanky , African American man . " Ruby reached out to grab Joslyn 's hand . " Please find out what happened to Fiona . I hope it 's nothing serious . " " We 'll find her , " Joslyn said . Fiona had left a hole in Joslyn 's life when she left Los Angeles . Joslyn didn 't have many women friends , and she always wondered if she might not have dated her abusive ex , Tomas , if Fiona had still been there with her frank opinions and logical insights . The least she could do was find out what happened to her friend now that it looked like she 'd gotten into something dangerous after she 'd left the master 's program in L . A . They had to circle almost the entire museum before they found Rufus , an older man so slender that his guard uniform hung loosely on him . He had a short gray beard and almost completely bald head with his curly gray hair cut short . As they approached him , he frowned at them as if he were trying to look menacing . " Something I can help you folks with ? " Then his eye fell on Clay , and his brows rose halfway up his forehead . " Well , I 'll be . You look just like Fiona . You must be that brother she told me about . " Joslyn felt as if her head was in a furnace , and Clay had turned redder than a beet . " I 'm Joslyn . I was Fiona 's friend when she lived in Los Angeles . " Rufus sighed heavily . " Don 't know what 's happened to her . I 'm worried . She didn 't seem like she was into anything shady , but that man she met seemed awful slick , if you know what I mean . " " This older guy , although not quite as old as me . Seems like nobody 's quite as old as me , these days . " He flashed a grin , his smile bright in his dark face . " He was sitting and chatting with Fiona , and she looked pretty shaken . " " No , she didn 't come in with him . She was alone when I saw her enter the front door - she gave me a smile and a wave - and this guy came and met her in the antique Chinese art room only half an hour later . She seemed surprised to see him , so I don 't think she was intending to meet him here . They only talked five or ten minutes , but it was enough to make Fiona look upset and leave the museum early . " " No , she just smiled and waved , but she looked kinda distracted , " Rufus said . " Sometimes she chats with me , sometimes not . But that was the last time I saw her . No police have been by , so I wondered if maybe she was on vacation or something . But I think she 'd - a told me if that was the case . It must have been that guy . " If Clay knew who the man was , Joslyn would have expected him to be more triumphant . Instead , he seemed even more perplexed . " Do you know him ? " she asked . He looked up at her , and his eyes had turned a stormy gray . " It doesn 't make sense why she 'd disappear because of him . I think that was Martin Crowley - her father , and my stepfather . " Why would Fiona disappear after talking to Martin ? As far as Clay knew , they were still on comfortable terms . Maybe not chummy , but not at odds with each other . And Martin wouldn 't do anything to hurt Fiona , no matter what he 'd done to Clay . " Her father ? " Rufus said . Clay had forgotten he was still there . " Now that 's interesting . Fiona never seemed happy when she talked about her daddy . And she certainly wasn 't happy that man had come to talk to her that day . " Joslyn tilted her head . " Well , she was closer to Martin when I first knew her , but especially just before she left Los Angeles , he seemed to annoy her or upset her more often . She never wanted to talk about him . I guess in the past two years , they never healed the breach . " " He must have said something to her to make her upset . But I don 't know why he 'd have anything to do with why she 'd disappear . He wouldn 't hurt her . " " If she were in danger from Martin , he 'd have taken her at the museum , and he wouldn 't have bothered to speak to her first . " Clay sighed . " Plus I have a hard time believing Fiona would be involved in anything shady that Martin might be doing . " He remembered his last big argument with Fiona in Chicago , and the reason she 'd moved away from him . He remembered Fiona 's thready voice in the phone call he 'd received . " The thing is , if she were safe with Martin , she wouldn 't have asked us for help . My phone call and your postcard happened after she disappeared . " Clay rubbed his forehead . He knew what he had to do , but didn 't like being forced to approach Martin again , like a servant asking for a favor . " I have Martin 's extension at his office . I 'll give him a call and ask about Fiona . " He tasted acid at the back of his throat as he listened to the phone ringing . When a man 's voice answered , he almost couldn 't speak and had to swallow before he said , " Martin ? This is Clay . " Clay felt both relief and frustration . " Please ask him to call his stepson as soon as possible . It 's about Fiona . " He gave his phone number , but he had a feeling Martin wouldn 't call him back . Not to be malicious , but simply because to Martin , Clay didn 't matter . They exited the front double doors of the museum into the bright sunlight , and the heat slapped them like a ten - foot wave . Clay had to pause to adjust to the change in temperature . That 's when he saw it . " How could they have found us ? " Her eyes unfocused as she thought , and she began lightly rubbing a strange - shaped scar above her left eye . It seemed she wasn 't aware she was doing it . " Maybe your rental car … I 'll have to check it . " " That 's kind of high tech . Then again , if they 're the same guys who rigged Fiona 's house , I guess I could believe they could do it . " Clay kept sweeping his gaze over the parking lot even as they headed to his car . " Don 't unlock it just yet . " Joslyn began circling the car , checking the rims , finally dropping onto the sizzling asphalt to check the underside of the carriage . " I don 't see anything . " Clay hadn 't stopped looking around , but they were the only ones moving around out here . The other cars in the lot seemed empty , and he couldn 't see the white Taurus , although many of the cars were white . He 'd noticed that about Phoenix - lots of white and light colored cars , probably to combat the heat . " Let 's get out of here . " And men who had access to explosives might have access to that kind of equipment . " Okay , so where to ? " He backed out of the parking stall . Clay kept an eye behind them as they drove , but he couldn 't spot a tail if there was one . He had done his fair share of tailing people when he had worked for that mob family in Chicago , but even then , he hadn 't been great at noticing them following himself . How ironic that he could have used some of his criminal skills now . Still , he didn 't regret getting out of that life , paying his dues . He just wished he could feel he had finally settled that debt . " You never know . " After Joslyn had paid using cash , they walked away and she said , " Plus , I noticed the kiosk didn 't seem to keep good records . If anyone knows we went here , they might have a hard time figuring out which phones we bought , and their numbers . " " I don 't need a suit , do I ? " Clay inwardly groaned . He wasn 't uncomfortable wearing a suit , but in this heat , it would be torture , even though all of the places had air conditioning . Joslyn 's eyes twinkled like chips of amber , as if she could guess what he was thinking . " No . Just something that doesn 't look like you just played basketball with the fellas . " He found some khaki shorts and a short - sleeved polo shirt , which he wore out of the store , his old clothes in a bag . He caught Joslyn looking appreciatively as he stood in line to pay . When she saw he had noticed , she blushed and turned away . They headed to a women 's clothing store . Clay looked at the faces in the crowd , and because of his height , he could see over most heads , but he didn 't notice anyone who looked like the men in the white Taurus . It was hard to tell if anyone was following them in the crowd since most people were going from store to store , like they were , so he saw several people more than once . He didn 't know why he did it , but his hand closed over hers as she lifted the hanger off the rack . " Wait . You 're not getting that , are you ? " " Well , I 've worn dresses , of course , but usually … " She looked flustered . " I don 't know , it 's just kind of … girly . " He tried another tactic . " You said it yourself , if we talk to other people , they respond better if we 're better clothed . It 's less intimidating if we look like a couple . And we 'd look more like a couple if you wear a dress rather than pants and a polo shirt . " Her brows were knit as if she wasn 't sure she quite believed him , but she took the dress and put it back . He was about to argue when she said , " It 's the wrong size . " She grabbed another one and headed to the changing rooms . Clay blew out a breath . She was nothing like the other women he 'd known . Joslyn seemed more masculine in some ways , carrying herself as if unaware of her body , and yet she was so beautiful . She stepped out of the changing room , and despite the scowl on her face , the image of her in the sundress made his heart stop for a moment . Her collarbones rose above the modest neckline and her arms were bare , showing off her delicate bone structure . The skirt swirling above her knees floated around the curves of her figure . " Nothing , " he said quickly . " You 're just … you look captivating . " The word was more romantic than he 'd intended to say , but it just popped out , and it was exactly what she was . Joslyn turned a deep red and looked away . It seemed as if she were struggling with some memory . Then she took a deep breath and seemed to regain her composure . " Is this fine ? " Her voice was businesslike . She stilled , like a deer in the woods , her brown eyes wide . Her skin was soft , and the feel of it sent tingles up his hand , his forearm , his shoulder . Then someone accidentally bumped into him from behind , and the moment was over . " Better to be safe than sorry . We should probably throw them in the trash … " She stared at the parking stall . " Wasn 't our car here ? " Instead of his gold - colored Nissan rental , a silver colored pickup truck stood in the spot . " Maybe we 're on the wrong row . " He strode down a different row , but he was almost certain it was wrong . He remembered that they 'd gotten out of the car and the row had led directly to the children 's clothing store at the edge of the mall . God had protected her once , and she 'd trusted that He 'd protect her again , especially if she was careful about the situations she 'd put herself into . But since coming to Phoenix and meeting Clay , the situation had gotten more and more unpredictable . Yet a part of her seemed to sense that while Tomas 's temper had gotten out of control , Clay wouldn 't cross that line . Clay blew out a long breath and put his hands on his hips , then his back lost that stiffness and he turned to her with an expression still frustrated , but calmer . " You 're right . I 'll call them now . And I have to call the rental company , too . " Joslyn was surprised she hadn 't had to do more than suggest it . Tomas would have said … But Clay wasn 't Tomas , was he ? In that clothing store , the way he 'd looked at her had made her feel … She hadn 't been attracted to a man in a long time . Her last relationship had been so disastrous , she had walled off her heart and her senses . But now it seemed she was changing , and she wasn 't sure she wanted it that way . She still felt vulnerable after all she 'd lost . Her eyes refocused on Clay , speaking to a cab company on his cell phone . Fiona had spoken warmly , although a bit sadly about her brother . She could see aspects of Fiona in Clay , their friendliness to others , their protectiveness . And like Fiona , Clay made Joslyn think differently about herself . Clay had pulled her even further out , shattering her habit of thinking of herself as " one of the guys . " He 'd had difficulty in explaining why , but he 'd wanted her to wear that dress . And she didn 't understand why she 'd listened to him . After all , Tomas had done the same thing - bought her dresses , told her she was beautiful . Since that episode in her life , she 'd retreated to her old fashion sense , the one she 'd had before Tomas , which consisted of pants and shirts , practical things that were similar to what the other engineers wore . So why had she listened to Clay about the sundress ? Wasn 't this a bad thing ? Clay hung up . " The cab should be here in a few minutes . They 're not far away . The rental company said they 'd file the police report since they have GPS tracking on the car . " They dumped their clothes out on the ground and carefully felt around , but didn 't find anything obvious . " It 's probably still a good idea to toss our clothes . It might make it harder for the men following us to recognize us . Our cell phones , too , in case they managed to put a tracker in them or clone them . " But before she could tell him , the cab arrived . It drove them to Fiona 's workplace so she could pick up her car . When the cab had left , Joslyn asked , " What now ? " His hotel was close to Fiona 's house , which was unfortunately halfway across town , so it took them the better part of an hour before they were finally pulling into the hotel parking lot . There were a couple police squad cars parked outside the front doors . Clay 's shoulders were bunched as he saw them . Joslyn wondered if it was a throwback to his time working for that mob family . He certainly wouldn 't have been happy to see the police back then . Then they were surrounded by police officers , and it seemed like all of them were shouting . Joslyn looked at Clay , but he had the same perplexed look . " What do we do ? " she asked .
Disclaimer : The author of this work in no way claims the events represented in this story are factual . Should anyone represented in this work of fiction read this ( which I doubt they will ) and take offense , please know no offense was intended upon writing this alternate version of reality . Please , if you are easily offended , do not read this . This story contains strong language and adult content . I looked out the door and saw a group of people standing down the street talking intimately to each other . They didn 't seem to have noticed John . In fact , they weren 't even looking in my direction . I wasn 't sure if John had imagined it or if he had just used that as an excuse for me to let him into my apartment . I wondered how he had gotten to my place . There was not a car parked alongside the curb waiting for him like there usually was when he came over . I closed my front door and turned toward him . He looked amazing . He was wearing blue jeans , a navy blue dress shirt , and a light blue jacket . I caught myself staring and quickly looked away . " Nevermind , " he said with a mischievous grin . " And just where have you been , then ? I been trying to call you for ages . Had me all worried , you know . " " I know that . I just haven 't had any time to clean up around here . I 've been so busy studying , " I said . " You 're up awfully early , aren 't you ? " John followed closely behind me , almost stepping on my heels as we walked . I could feel him breathing down my neck . And I turned to face him . I crawled into my bed and tried to go back to sleep but my mind was racing . When had the boys gotten back from Bel Air ? Where had John been all night ? How did he get to my apartment ? Someone had obviously dropped him off , but whom ? And why had he come to my place instead of going home ? For someone who had been trying hard to avoid him , I was aching to go back out there and see him , or even worse , to invite him into my bed . But I couldn 't do that to him . . . or to me . I lay there for quite a while unable to sleep knowing he was in the next room . I was sexually frustrated . John had been the last person I had slept with and that had been about two months ago already . And my only prospect for any action in the foreseeable future was Edward . I was sure he would be more than willing to help me find some relief from the tension that was building in my body but , while Edward was good - looking , he was simply too nice and I just wasn 't attracted to him in that way . Thinking about John lying in the next room was driving me wild and I began to think about our night together in the back of his Rolls Royce . His passionate kisses . His hot breath on my skin . His touch . I began running my hands over my breasts pretending they were his . He had felt so good that night . We had both been like animals desperate for each other . I found my hand traveling , as if it had a mind of its own , down to my panties as I remembered how his hands had felt on my body . How he had known just what to do . Just how to touch me , as if we had been lovers for years . I slipped my fingers beneath my silk panties and began to stroke myself as I imagined how hard he had been that night and how good he felt inside me . Hot and throbbing . Aching for me as much as I was for him . I began to rub myself faster as I felt myself close to climax when there was a soft knock on my bedroom door . Startled , I pulled my hand out from beneath my panties and the blankets up to cover me , all in one movement . All I could manage to get out was a shaky , " Yes , John ? " He entered my bedroom and gave me a bit of a funny look . I was afraid he might have suspected what I had been doing . Surely he was quite familiar with the way a woman looked when she was all hot and bothered , but he didn 't say anything . He was now minus his shoes and jacket , the first few buttons on his navy - blue dress shirt were unbuttoned and I could see his light - toned chest a bit . His shirt was un - tucked and his hair a bit mussed from having been lying down . He looked mouth - watering . " I can 't sleep , " he said . " Mind if I lie in here with you ? I 'll keep my jeans on and I promise I won 't try anything funny , " he said in a deep , comical voice . The only problem was that I wanted him to . I wanted so badly for him to try something . And if he did , I didn 't think I would be strong enough to fight it . And though given the state I was in it didn 't seem a very bright idea , I couldn 't let the opportunity to lie in bed with John Lennon pass me by . He looked slightly shocked , but jumped at the opportunity and quickly crawled into bed with me . I suddenly became very aware I was in only my nightgown , a slinky thing because I hated feeling constricted when I slept . I really would have preferred to sleep in the nude , but that was just not possible at the end of September in a drafty apartment in London , England . I would probably have frozen to death . " Don 't you worry , love . I 'll be like an angelic choir boy , " he said batting his eyelashes comically . " I 'll just lie here and watch you sleep , " he added sweetly . I smiled at him and closed my eyes . And surprisingly , even though the man I had previously just been fantasizing about was now lying right beside me , I drifted right off to sleep . There was something comforting and relaxing about being with him . When I awoke , I was in John 's arms and he was snoring serenely in my ear . I had my back to him and could feel his penis through his jeans pressing against my ass . It was hard . I wanted to rub against it . I wanted to wake him up and make him use it , but instead I tore myself away from him . I got up and slipped into my robe and went to the bathroom to wash my face . Then I made my way to the kitchen and made enough eggs and toast for myself and John , in case he was hungry when he woke up . After I had eaten , John was still asleep , but I quietly slipped into my room to find something to wear . I grabbed a pair of jeans and a sweater and made for the bathroom to shower and change . John was still sleeping when I came out of the bathroom . I sat down at my dining table and decided to study . Beginning Monday I was going to have a test almost every day of the week , so getting some study - time in would be very beneficial . I had been studying for about an hour when John finally wandered out of my bedroom . " Bet you would 've liked that wouldn 't you ? ' Cause then you could do all sorts of disgusting things to me while I lie unconscious in your bed . Well , you put those thoughts right out of your head , miss . You 'd never get away with it anyway . Be all over the papers , it would . " I giggled . It was somewhat strange to me how easily the two of us could go back to normal after something awkward had happened between us but we had , so far , always seemed to manage it . Pick up right where we left off as if nothing had happened at all . Neither of us mentioned the fight we had had the last time we were together and that was fine with me . It had been a bit stupid anyway . " What 's that you 're doing ? " he asked helping himself to some eggs and toast . I had so many questions to ask him , but I held them in . The thing with John was that he was very open and honest when he wanted to be . And when he didn 't want to be , he wasn 't . It was as simple as that . He would tell me where he 'd been all night and what he had been up to when he was ready . Or not . And me asking him wasn 't going to make any difference . It didn 't matter much anyway . It was relaxing just having him there eating quietly as I studied . When he was done eating , he picked up one of the books I had been assigned to read in my literature class and made his way over to my sofa . He plopped down and began reading . And that is how we spent the rest of the day . We didn 't talk very much . I studied and he read . He seemed very interested in the book . Almost consumed by it . I knew he had never cared much for school , so I was mesmerized how deep in concentration he was reading one of my school books . Later in the evening Neil phoned looking for him . " Hullo , whacker , " he said . " Well , I know that , son , but I 'm … Yeah , yeah . All right . See you then , " he said hanging up the phone . " Oh , he 's coming to pick me up to take me somewhere or other . I don 't know , really . Wasn 't paying much attention , " he grinned . I couldn 't help it . I waited for him to offer the information for as long as I could and I couldn 't stand it anymore . I had to know . That was not really what I had wanted to hear . I decided not to ask any follow - up questions as I was sure he 'd tell me things I didn 't particularly want to know . And before too long Neil was at my door to pick John up and take him wherever it was he was taking him . I decided not to ask about that either . And they left . The next day I went to school and took my first test of the week . Since I had studied more than I usually did for tests , I knew almost every answer and was sure I had aced it . So , when I saw Edward later in the day , I was in a very good mood . He asked if he could call me that night and I told him since I didn 't have to work that it would be all right . But the more I thought about it , the more I wondered why I didn 't have to work . I hadn 't had to work much at all lately . In fact , they hadn 't scheduled me to come in , in quite a while . So , when I got home after school , I phoned the store where I worked and asked why I hadn 't been scheduled to come in . My boss wasn 't in , so I spoke to the assistant manager , who told me they were cutting back on everyone 's time . This was upsetting because I couldn 't really afford to have my time cut back that much . I had bills to pay . I asked him when the next time I was scheduled to work would be and he told me it wasn 't until the end of next week . And even then , they would only need me for a few hours . I was not happy at all about it , but I told him I would have to find another job where I could work more often . And he said he understood . When I hung up the phone I was in a discouraged state . Where the hell was I going to work now ? There was a knock on my door and I distractedly answered it . " I 'm sorry , John . I 've just gotten some bad news and had to quit my job . So I 'm a little preoccupied . " I pointed to the shelf behind my sofa where he could find the book and sat down at my dining table . He opened the book and plopped down on the sofa . I opened my book bag and began to pull out study materials for my next test . John was so cute , stretched out on my sofa with his nose in my book . He was wearing tan pants , a white turtleneck , and a polka dotted motorcycle cap . He grabbed the bill of the cap and yanked it off his head and tossed it far across the room at me . I was embarrassed that he had noticed that I was looking at him . I didn 't mean to stare , but he was so beautiful . He had muscular thighs , a broad chest and shoulders unlike the other three skinnier Beatles , a strong nose that complimented his face perfectly , and reddish - brown hair . He was damn - near perfect . I buried myself in my studies , consciously forcing myself not to look at him again for fear that he might see me . After a while the telephone rang and I hurried to answer it . " Oh that 's fine . I understand completely . I 'm so tired of all these tests . Anyway , it was nice to hear your voice , even if only for a short time . I 'll see you in class tomorrow then ? " Edward asked . John stayed late into the night reading as I studied . We had both taken a break for a bit of dinner , but after we ate , I went right back to studying , and he went back to reading . He just about had it finished when he left that night after midnight . The next day went largely the same way . John came over a little after I had gotten home from school , finished up the book he had been reading , and then started another . He was like a man obsessed . He wanted to read anything he could get his hands on , and he did . He came over every night that week and stayed past midnight every night . At school I kept having to make up reasons as to why Edward couldn 't call me , not necessarily because I didn 't want him to . I just didn 't want him to while John was there . I couldn 't very well tell him the real reason : that a Beatle was occupying all of my time . But , Edward was very understanding . He told me there was no need to apologize and asked if we could go out that Saturday night to dinner and a film . I agreed and we left it at that . Thursday night John was at my place again , reading quietly on my sofa as I studied at my table . It was nice having him there and I imagined it to be like that being married to him ; just quietly enjoying an evening together . Then I was faced with reality . He was married . And I began to wonder about Cynthia . " Well , I don 't know , you know . It 's not something we talk about . She 's never asked me , " he giggled . But I couldn 't see that anything was funny . Would he really tell her if she 'd only asked ? In a strange way , I think he would . He would probably list every woman he had ever slept with in chronological order for her if she would only inquire into the subject . And I understood . It didn 't exist if they didn 't talk about it . Dealing with things that way made problems much easier than actually having to deal with them . I let the subject drop . I had gotten my answer and suddenly felt I also had a better understanding of Cynthia . John had been particularly sweet that entire week , so when he arrived on Friday night to pick me up , with no one to " chaperone " other than his driver , I didn 't mind too much . He had been at my house every day and hadn 't tried anything . I was proud of him . And I was excited that maybe our attempts at being friends were finally going to work . He looked very sexy in blue jeans , a white dress shirt , a dark brown and white pinstriped jacket , and dark sunglasses . " And what 's this you 've got on anyway ? Why , you look nearly like a grown - up , " he teased . " Where 've you hidden the school girl ? " he asked , trying to lift my skirt up a bit . I hoped he didn 't remember me , but I feared he did . I certainly remembered him from the last time I rode in that car alone with John . I looked at John horrified and felt my face grow hot with embarrassment . " Evening , ma ' am , " the driver said , expressionless , as we pulled off . John giggled and I shot daggers at him with my eyes . As we drove to the club I realized that not only had John been smoking , but he had been drinking as well . He kept running his hand up and down my leg even though I kept removing it and telling him to behave himself . " Come on , Maggie , " he said , insistently . " I swear to you , I will go home if you don 't behave , " I said meaning it , but not really wanting to . I wanted to stay , to be with him , but I couldn 't let anything happen . I had to protect myself from getting hurt . And the look in his eyes told me he understood I wasn 't joking . He didn 't try anything again for the rest of the night . Still , he seemed to want me near him all night . Wherever in the club he went , he dragged me along closely . He kept his arm around my shoulder as if to tell everyone I was his property . I hate to admit it , but I loved every second . I wanted him so badly I could barely stand it any longer . To feel his touch . To enjoy the talent he had for kissing . Even so , I felt a bit uneasy being alone with him in public . I was worried what everyone might think . But , as we sat in a dark corner of the club and people came over to speak to John , no one acted at all like it was peculiar that he was there with me rather than being there with his wife . It was obvious that John found my being uncomfortable very entertaining , and as more people came over to say hello , his introductions became increasingly exaggerated . At first , he introduced me to them as his " friend , Maggie , " which was fine with me , because it was the truth . But as the night went on I soon became Mildred , his " long lost cousin " and Muriel , " an old school mate . " By the time I was introduced as Margot , a " runaway from France , " I began to play along , doing my best French accent and thoroughly amusing John . And then when I introduced myself to some people as Minnie , " a struggling actress willing to do anything to get to the top , " John was practically on the floor in hysterics . In between visitors the two of us sat quietly in the corner of the club talking and laughing about any and everything . And as we sat , though he smoked cigarette after cigarette , he didn 't have another drop to drink . And I could tell the buzz he had going when he arrived at my house to pick me up had worn off . I was silent and he went on , " You know I don 't like getting all serious like , but I 'm sorry about what happened on the way over here , okay ? And that 's all I 'll say about it . I just wanted you to know that … I am . " I smiled . I had to be one of the very few people John Lennon had ever allowed to see past his rough exterior into the person that he really was . And I was glad he felt like he could let his guard down around me . I knew he wouldn 't want to hear anything more . He would have felt like he had been weak to apologize , if I had said anything else , so without speaking , I reached over and stroked his hand . He swallowed hard and looked over his dark sunglasses , staring deep into my eyes . I could tell he had deep feelings for me and it scared the hell out of me because the more time we spent together , the stronger my feelings for him also became . Our silent moment together was thankfully interrupted when Brian suddenly appeared and I removed my hand from atop John 's . " Never you mind . Just heard you were here and thought I 'd come over to say hello , " Brian answered . " Well , you 've said it . What now ? Want to join us , do you ? " John asked . I nodded and the two of them disappeared into the crowd of the smoky club . After they had been gone a few minutes I started feeling eyes on me . I looked around and noticed people were looking at me and whispering to each other . And I hoped it was because I was sitting there alone , like a social reject , rather than because I was out with John Lennon . I decided to try and avoid the stares and whispers by getting up to duck into the restroom while John was away . But as I passed by the men 's room , I heard familiar voices . Under normal circumstances , I would not have stood and eavesdropped , but they were talking about me , so in my opinion , their conversation was every bit as much my business as theirs . I strained hard to hear them through the noise of the club . " John , if anyone were to take a photograph of the two of you … " " Oh Christ , Brian , I don 't give a damn about how it looks ! She 's me bloody mate and I won 't pretend she isn 't ! " John raised his voice . My heart jumped into my throat when I heard Brian say that . And then , when I heard the momentary silence that followed before John spoke , somehow my heart did a nosedive past the location where it belongs in my chest and into the pit of my stomach causing a sick , sinking feeling . Why the pause ? How was John going to respond ? Had he told Brian something about his feelings towards me or did Brian just guess ? And if Brian could guess , couldn 't everyone else ? Cynthia , for example ? My brain was working overtime as I tried to fix all of my attention on the conversation going on behind that door ; waiting for John 's response . " All right , John , " Brian exhaled calmly , a stark contrast to John 's tone of voice . " I can see we 're just going around in circles , so may I suggest a compromise ? Do you think you could possibly try and avoid seeing her as often in public at least ? That is , any place where it may seem … odd that you are there with Maggie rather than being there with Cyn ? " There was another brief silence and I decided I didn 't want to know the answer . If John agreed to that , it was his business and I would have to respect it . I hurried into the ladies ' room and then back to our corner of the club . When John returned , he looked less than pleased and asked if I was ready to go . I agreed and we left the Ad Lib . The only words he spoke to me by the time we arrived at my apartment was , " G ' night , love , " as I got out of the car . That night I couldn 't sleep , wondering what John 's answer was to the compromise Brian had suggested . And I suppose John couldn 't sleep either , as my phone rang at about 4 : 45 in the morning and it was him . From the second I heard his voice I just knew he was calling to give me the bad news . He may have had feelings for me , but John knew what he needed to do to stay at the top with the Beatles . And that did not include a public scandal that would cause his fans to be turned off of him due to his infidelity . If anything ever did come out , why should anyone believe that our relationship was anything less than an affair ? The answer was that they shouldn 't . And I didn 't expect them to , so it was no surprise to me that John would call and end our friendship in order to avoid public gossip . I was shocked . It was not at all what I had expected . A range of emotions flooded over me . I was glad that he had done it , but at the same time I almost wished he would have agreed to " cutting me loose . " Being forced to stay away from each other would be difficult at first , but would make things so much easier in the long run . I couldn 't help but wonder what his decision might do to his and Brian 's relationship . He was more than the Beatles manager . He was their friend . Particularly , he was John 's friend . Would Brian be very angry with me ? What if he was right and someone did snap a photo of John and I out somewhere together ? John was married after all . What might happen to him ? To the Beatles ? " Christ , Maggie , he 's not ! He 's not fuckin ' right at all . Look at all the birds I 've shagged over the years , and none of them have ever had that happen to them . I don 't really know what makes him think it would happen to you , and even if it does , so bloody what ? " " No , really . Especially your fans in Middle America : The ' Bible Belt . ' If they thought you were an adulterer , they may not listen to the Beatles music anymore . " " Ah , but there 's where your theory falls apart , love . You see , I am an adulterer and they still listen ! Anyway , so what if I lose a few fans in Texas or wherever the hell ? Odds are , they 'll still like Paul enough to keep ' em listening ! " he laughed . And I laughed as well . There was no arguing with that statement . Everyone saw Paul as the innocent , loveable , " Cute One , " even if I knew stories that proved him to be otherwise . And if John ever did do something to ruin his own reputation , the Beatles probably wouldn 't lose too many fans as a result . They would still want to buy the records to listen to Paul , George , and Ringo ; they just might skip over the songs that John sang . Freda lives in a daydream where everything is possible and nothing is off limits . This story is her first attempt at fanfiction and she would greatly appreciate your feedback . Thanks for stopping by !
Back in high school , our basketball team made it to the state championship game and the game was to be held about 200 miles from our school . Many students traveled to the semi - final game on Friday afternoon and the championship on Saturday . We won the Friday game , so students flocked to local motels and hotels to stay the night . Our particular hotel was full of our students . I shared a room with three other guys I had traveled with . On Friday night , it was a big party at the hotel . Students were milling around outside and everyone kept their doors propped open so people could come and go . At one point , some folks came into our room , one of them being a girl named Cindy , who was a year behind me in school and a very popular cheerleader . Cindy was attractive , not really beautiful , but she was built well , and she had on a pair of skin tight jeans that looked unbelievable on her butt . I was somewhat an average guy , didn 't run with the " in crowd " and felt a bit intimidated that Cindy was there , but I was liking it . As time went by , people were milling about and everyone , one by one , left our room to go elsewhere , except Cindy . She looked at me and smiled and asked my name . I told her my name and we did some small talk for a minute . Cindy 's reputation was that of a " really nice girl " , no rumors about her being " loose " with the guys or anything . So I was surprised when she asked if the pack of cigarettes on the night stand were mine . I said they were a friend 's and she asked if she could have one . I said sure , and she sat down on the bed next to me and I lit it for her . She took a few puffs . I said I didn 't know she smoked . She said she didn 't really , but once in a while she felt naughty and wanted one . About a minute later , I heard a kind of RRROORRR noise from her stomach . I recognized it as one I 've had , when you need to fart but hold it , and it goes back into your system making a virtual " internal fart " . She said , " Oh " and , pretending I didn 't hear her stomach , asked her what was wrong . She said , " When I smoke , it sI have more things to post again . I know I say I intend to post more often , but I get wrapped up with my job and life to think about posting . First story … I don 't think that I told this one before . This occurred back in September 2004 . We had some weird test that all juniors had to take . We were supposed to be finished with the testing by the end of 2nd block ( 10 : 55 - just in time to begin " A " lunch ) . Once we began testing at 7 : 45 , we were only allowed out of class one time , at 8 : 30 . Well , testing continued past 10 : 55 , so they postponed lunch and 3rd block for everyone else . We remained in the testing rooms until 11 : 30 while the school moved about campus , avoiding our building . Also , they informed us to bring a drink with us , so I brought my usual diet drink ( I hate sugary drinks ) . No one had to use the restroom at the 8 : 30 break . Well , in the last 3 hours in the testing room , we all finished our drinks and I was getting to where I needed to pee . When they finally let us go , I went straight to the bathroom , by the testing room . To my horror and shock , the bathroom was locked for them to clean ! So , I went to my 3rd block teacher and told her that I couldn 't wait to go to the bathroom ( for those who had " B " lunch , we couldn 't go to the restroom during the " A " lunch ) . She let me go . I went straight to the restroom , went to the stall and pulled my penis out . I had been pinching closed the skin so I could relieve a little pressure . Once I finished , my penis hurt quite a bit . I didn 't think anything of it . I figured that the pressure of having to pee really bad and pinching shut the foreskin did it . After a few days , it still hurt to pee . I couldn 't retract the skin to pee or wash without pain . So I went to the doctor . That was around the time I wound up with a major infection to cause me to get circumcised , which I am glad that I had it done . Next story … This one is from around 2000 . I have always been notorious for peeing a lot while having a bowel movement . It used to crack my friends and cousin up a lot . One time , my cousin ( who is a couple of years older ) followed me into the bathroom when I went to poop . He brought up a valuable ( to us at least ) poinNext up … I think that I had told about my younger cousin and I playing with super soakers , hose , water balloons , and just about everything else . Before we began , I had gone into my aunt 's house ( his grandmother ) to change into swimming trunks . We got a drink and sat on her patio and drank it . As we were getting up , I heard slashing on the concrete . I looked at him , just to see him peeing himself . I was shocked but being 9 years old , curious about what it felt like . By the time we got out back and had things ready , I had to pee . So , I peed just like he did . It was a cool feeling . So , for the rest of the day , that 's how we both peed . The next week , I taught my friend how to do that . We both would pee like that a lot . Although I am 23 , I still do it when I can get away with it . A couple of years ago , I was outside with a friend . I had already showered and was dressed for bed which means mesh shorts and a T - shirt . No underwear . While we were outside , I had to pee . I decided since I was sitting in the grass and had to pee , I could . So , I positioned my penis to pee out of my shorts - leg . My friend caught on quickly and found it hysterical ( he 's a goof - ball ) . And to wrap this long post up … I had a bm outside last Thursday morning . I decided since there was plenty of privacy outside , I could just do it , so I slid down my sleep shorts . I barely pushed and did my business , then peed . I wiped with dried up leaves . And recent movements have yielded long turds . Monday morning , I pushed out a log that was about 2 - 3 inches thick and I would venture to say about 4 foot . It curved around in the bowl . Usually , I produce logs about 1 inch thick and maybe 5 inches long . Usually there are about 10 . Oh well … I think I am done for now . Will post more when I remember more to post . Derek Pedro this is Derek . What color were your friend 's Speedos and was it a slim line brief ? whizzer : I get erections when I pee or move my bowels . When I sit on the throne , I have to hold down my pipe and press on my tip toes . Like when I was in first grade , I noticed something strange when I had a full bladder or I was making # 2 or seeing a pretty girl , I would get an erection . It happens when I wake up in the morning and I have to pee . One morning , I went to the bathroom with class and the teacher let us go to the bathroom in sets . I had to make # 2 and the stalls had no doors . I did not care if they all saw me . I pulled down my pants and my Spiderman briefs to my ankles and hopped up on the throne . All the boys were looking at my erect johnson . I just stuffed it between down my legs and let out a deep fart and felt this huge monster coming out of my body . It was huge that I had to control it my clenching my muscles to break it off in 4 pieces . As I was dropping these pieces , I peed a lot and then my erection went down . I wiped myself through the front , flushed the bowl and joined my class . The same boys that I have known from kindergarten still comment about the size of my johnson . I was tidying up the garden this morning now that the snow has finaly melted , when I felt the urge to have a poo . It wasn 't a major so I ignored it untill I 'd finished tidying up . By then I needed to pee quite badly . ( I think it was the cold air on my bladder ) . Well I thought it would be fun to do it in the shed . I opened the door & entered the shed & started looking for something to relieve myself in . While I was in there , Kirsty came into the shed with two cups of tea . She asked me what I was doing & I told her my idea . Kirsty thought it was a great idea but she didn 't need to go herself so she just watched me . I found a bucket & quickly pulled my jeans & panties down before squatting over it . I instantly started peeing a powerfull stream into the bucket . I must have peed about two pints into the bucket but there was no poo . I pushed hard but still nothing . I gave up & emptied the bucket outside on the lawn & we went indoors to drink our tea . I forgot all about my poo untill this evening when I started to feel a massive urge to empty my bowels . Kirsty needed to poo as well & she said , " Let 's do it together in the shed . " I didn 't argue & we took some toilet roll out with us & went down to the shed . Kirsty opened the door & switched the light on & I followed her in . It was freezing cold in there but we keep an old fan heater in there so I plugged it in & switched it on . It stank at first because it had hadn 't been used for ages but once the dust burnt off the elements it was soon warm & cosy . We took off our coats & Kirsty was the first to squat over the bucket . I was getting desperate by now & seeing Kirsty dropping her load into that bucket almost made me drop a load into my panties ! I got very exited by the situation & seductively asked her to hurry up before I pood myself . Kirsty was taking too long & I began to lose control . Kirsty could tell by the expression on my face that I was having an accident & she gave a huge sigh of relief to add to the fun . She said , " Oh Wendy this feels so good . Man what a reliefSO close to making it Hi I 'm Mark I was playing a game when i had to go really bad so i ran to the toilet but when i got there i burst and i peed in my pants underwear and the floor it was a total disaster . Luckily the floor dried quick so i was able to get away with it that time but i may not be so lucky the 2nd time if it should happen . Does anyone have any good peeing stories like mine ? If you do please post them i wanna hear it Slow Shittin ' Sammi On page 1905 I wrote about starting this school year very frustrated about not being able to take a full crap , or even anything to close to it , at school . Now , I 've finished the first semester and I still find that if I sit down when I first feel one coming on early in the morning after I arrive at school , and I stay seated for a minute or two before the bell rings to end a class period , I can get rid of a piece or two . Nothing big , but at least something . It 's frustrating , I know , but I have to get off the stool , and then make a run up to my next class . However , on each of those days right after school at 3 : 05 p . m . I return to the bathroom . I seat myself and stay on the stool for like ten minutes , and I 'm good to go on my full crap . I have very little pushing to do . I just relax , listen to music , and it slides right out so nicely and usually in on or two large pieces like bananas . There 's almost no hassle from teachers or other students this year because at 3 : 05 p . m . everyone 's heading for the door to go home . My name is Kelly . I 'm almost 18 , just a normal girl . I 'm a senior in high school . We 're out for Christmas break . Sunday night I went to a movie with my boyfriend and saw Tron Legacy . He wanted to see it . Anyway , as the movie went on I started to really need to go to the bathroom - pee and poop . I 'm shy about it and don 't like for anyone to know that I need to go and I also don 't like leaving in the middle of a movie so I held it . It kept getting worse . I had my legs crossed and one foot bouncing and had to squeeze everything down there more than a few times to keep holding it . Near the end of the movie I had a really big cramp hit and I felt my butt start to open a little and the poop try to come out . I squeezed as hard as I could and managed to stop it but a squirt of pee came out before I could . Not much , but I could feel a little damp and my butt felt sticky . I felt like I had everything back under control for a little while . I prayed for the movie to end fast . It did , thank God , so I told my boyfriend I was going to run to the ladies room before the line got too big and would meet him in by the exit . I hurried down the row to the end and squeezed my way into the people going down the steps . Going down the steps was soooo hard to do while trying to hold it . Near the bottom steps I felt another pee squirt escape and actually had to grab myself under my skirt to hold it - thankfully the theater was still mostly dark . I knew I was seconds away from losing it and having a full blown accident right there in the lobby . I walked as fast as I could , bumping into a few people . Another squirt of pee came out when I got near the ladies room . I squeezed my fingers into my crotch and prayed harder to hold it . I got into the ladies room and was lucky enough to find ONE empty stall available . I hurried inside , turned around to lock the door , and another bigger squirt of pee started to come out and this time I could feel some pee starting to dribble down my right thigh and my anus opened again and the poop started to come outKelly I was surfing around the internet today when I stumbled on a story about a public toilet in sweden with one way glass walls . You can 't see in from the outside but you can see everything outside while you 're on the toilet . I 'd love to use one of those . It would be so hot to be sitting there relieving yourself while watching the world go by outside . I was in Central America for a college trip . We were on a bus on a desolate stretch of road and we stopped at this little " rest station " on the side of the road . They had bottled water and candy and stuff , but thank goodness they also had a restroom . My bowels had been acting up the whole first week we were there and I had gotten used to having diarrhea . I just made sure to drink lots of water . I went into the restroom and was dismayed to see that a ) it was coed , b ) it was filthy and c ) there were no stalls ! There were three toilets and a trough , all completely unobstructed from view . No one else was in it at that moment . I just stared for a minute , then finally swallowed my pride rather than shit my pants . I walked to the toilet with the least amount of gunk on it and pulled my shorts and underpants out of the way and hovered a couple of inches over it , hoping my aim was okay . I sprayed diarrhea into the hole , managing to keep from splattering the seat . Just as I was finishing up , a guy came walking in . Without thinking , I quickly sat down on the seat and crossed my arms across my lap to cover up . After a moment , I realized that I had just sat my bare ass and legs down on a toilet seat covered in who knows what . I continued to sit , waiting for the guy to finish peeing and hoping no one else came in . Finally he left . I stood up and actually felt sticky , wetness all over my ass and legs . I also felt a lot of leftover diarrhea squashed between my butt cheeks . I went to rip a piece of the newspaper that was hanging from a hook for use as TP , but it squashed in my hand like pulp . I looked all over and there was NOTHING to wipe my ass or cheeks with . Finally , I pulled up my shorts and went outside . After asking nearly all of my fellow travelers if they had any napkins or anything , I asked the guys who owned the refreshment stand . No one had any paper of any kind , at least none they were willing to sacrifice for my butt . After twenty or so minutes it was time to get back on the bus . I spent the next FOUR HOURS with shiKyle from WA This first story takes place around Christmas two years ago . I normally spend the holidays with my family , but that year my girlfriend Beatrice had asked me to come to her parent 's house instead . It was close to a three hour drive to get there though . She picked me up and we left town . For a while , we were talking while she drove , although at some point I must have dozed off , because the next thing I knew we were pulling in to a rest stop . I didn 't really have to go , but I could tell that she did . She was several steps ahead of me , walking hurriedly towards the bathrooms . I saw a large sign saying that the men 's bathroom was closed because of a burst pipe . The women 's was also marked as temporarily unisex . I followed Beatrice into the bathroom . No one else was inside and there were just three stalls . She had already taken the middle stall and I heard her pull down her jeans and hastily sit on the toilet and immediately her pee stream started to gush into the bowl . I was still closing the door to my stall and fumbling with my belt by then . Her pee went on for a bit , never letting up . I started to pee , but with not even close to the intensity of hers . I heard a sharp plop sound while she was still peeing , and then another and another . At last her pee finally weakened , and after three more plops it dribbled off to a stop . I peed a little bit more and then was done , but she was still pooping . I flushed and left the stall , and then after I had washed my hands , I opened the door but didn 't go out , then I closed it again . There were a few more plops from her and then she rolled some paper off . She finished wiping and I heard her start to pull up her jeans . I started to leave then for real and after she had opened her stall door , without flushing , she reached back and flushed . I guess she forgot it wasn 't an auto flusher . One time , when I was very young , perhaps only seven , or maybe eight , I was curious to see what a girl 's bathroom looked like . I knew there was no way I would ever be able to sneak into the girl 's bathroom at school , but I remembered the park close to my house . I went to the park in the park in the afternoon and stayed for a bit , though really I was keeping an eye on the bathrooms . When I didn 't see very many people around and I hadn 't seen any girls come out of the bathroom in a while , I figured that then was my best chance . I went over to the bathrooms , and opened the door to the girl 's bathroom . At first I was very disappointed when it looked just like any boy 's bathroom . I don 't exactly know what I expected to see , but this wasn 't it . The first thing I noticed was that I was not alone in the bathroom . I had no time to think and I went into one of the open stalls and closed the door just in time . I heard the stall door open and then someone washed their hands and then the main bathroom door opened and closed . I realized that the faucet was still running , so that meant there were two girls in the bathroom then . The girl who had just entered went into the stall next to me . I listened to the rustling of her clothes as she sat down , and the faucet turned off , but then it turned back on . No , wait , that was the girl peeing . The other girl dried her hands and she left . I didn 't hear anyone else come in . The girl finished peeing , tore off some paper then I heard a quite loud fart . I thought maybe she might have to poop as well , there was silence , a quieter long drawn out fart . Then she flushed , adjusted her clothes , left the stall and went to wash her hands . She finished washing , then dried , and then she left the bathroom . I waited a moment just in case someone else was going to come in . Nobody did , so then I opened my stall door and hurried out of the bathroom . Your buddy dumping idea is interesting , but I don 't think it 'd really work . My girlfriend is the ULTIMATE girly - girl . We met when I was four , became best friends when I was seven and started dating when I was fourteen . In this whole time she 's never once done anything to imply that she has bowels . She has not once passed gas in my presence , I don 't know how she holds it in so long . Anyway , my point being that she would never agree to a buddy - dump and I 'm not really sure if I 'd like it either . I felt fine emptying my bowels in front of her , but I think pooping on the toilet at the same time as her might be a little awkward . I also have no idea what her poop schedule 's like , it might be radically different than mine , which would make things even more awkward . I decided to hit the sales and went in early to try and avoid the queues . I arrived and had a coffee and a bacon roll to set me up . I then hit the shops and went bargain hunting . I shopped for a good few hours before stopping for a coffee and a snack . At that point I felt the urge for a pooh and decided I 'd better go and relief myself as there would probably be a long queue and I didn 't want to go home just yet . I decided I would try the toilets in the department store I was in as I was sure there 'd be a bigger queue in the main toilets . I waited patiently as my need to poo slowly increased . The 20 yr old got in after a few minutes . Her mother was now waiting and she got in a few minutes later when the other cubicle opened up . The mother only needed a pee and was done quite quickly she came out before her daughter and waited around . One of the ladies quickly took her place ( she had been jiggling a bit ) . This left 3 ladies and me . Someone came and asked me was I was waiting to which I said yes . We made chit chat and I said I 'd toyed with going to the other toilets but decided to wait . She said they were very busy when she went passed them earlier . We waited for 3 - 4 minutes and I commented I 'd be pleased to get on the toilet . The lady smiled and said I know the feeling . Finally the 30 yr old came out and her friend took her place . The 20 yr old had been in 7 - 8 minutes now and was causing quite a queue . Finally she came out looking a little red faced . The third lady in the trio went in and soon after the other lady came out . This left the last lady in front of me to go in . I was now getting quite desperate having waited for a good ten - fifteen minutes . Finally the 1st cubicle opened up and I hurried in . I took my jeans down and sat on the warm seat and had a felt a large log rush out . It came out very quickly and easy and was followed by a few more loose logs and a few farts . The relief was immense . I wiped up my backside which was messy and my front which was moist and then flushed and exited very relieved There are plenty of embarrassing things that have happened to me . One time i fell out if my chair in a crowded waiting room , and i had a skirt on . . . another time while i was at work the button got ripped off my pants and i was having to hold them up , and at one point i had my hands full and my pants fell down to my knees , and i was exposing my underwear for a few seconds before i could pull them back up . I about died ! I had to go in to target to grab some supplies for a snow storm headed to my area . On my way there i got some cramps and felt gassy and by the time i got to target i needed to go to the ladies room . I really wanted to get my things and get home before it began snowing though , so i made the fateful decision to shop and head home to use the bathroom . I made my way around the gigantic store picking up rock salt , milk , and other foods to stock up and a new ice scraper for the car . By the time i had everything i was getting pretty desperate to go to the bathroom . I 'd say on a scale of 1 - 10 my need to go was about 7 . 5 . So i headed to customer service where there was a good deal of people waiting in line to check out , and it was busy . I got in line and held on for dear life as i waited for an open register . A cramp in the pit of my stomach forced me to wince and clench my cheeks harder , and suddenly i jumped to about a 9 on the scale . That 's when alarms started going off in my head . Suddenly i didn 't think i was gonna be able to make it home in time to get to the toilet without soiling my pants . I went into a bit of a panic and i got really anxious to check out . Then i felt like my mind went numb . . . and like i was having an out of body experience or something as i realized that i was 40 years old and i was probably not going to be able to hold it in for any longer than another 3 - 5 minutes . My heart raced as i stood waiting in line experiencing the most urgent and desperate need to poop I 've ever felt . It became such an emergency that i was on the verge of crying , too . That 's when an employee approached me and asked me to follow them to their register . I nodded quickly and anxiously turned to follow them so i could check out then haul ass to the ladies room . But as i started to move , my cramps worsened and i felt the load drop in my bowels and make its way to the exit , and i desperately clenched my cheeks together as hard as i could as i felt the tip of a large solid load pushing against them . I was at a 10 - 10 , which means i couldn 't hold it in anymore . I walked rigidly toward the register and cried out to the cashier " I 'm sorry but I 've really gotta use the bathroom ! " And i abandoned my cart and began to stagger toward the ladies room . That 's when i froze in my tracks , as a large , solid poop emerged from between my cheeks and lodged in the seat of my yellow cotton panties , spreading along the center of my butt upward along the seam if my blue cotton pants , forming a bulge about the size of a potato . I did it . I pooped in my pants in public , at age 40 . But that wasn 't the end of it . After the large solid portion of the load finished accumulating in my panties , more softer , creamier poop began to fill my panties completely and expand the bulge on my butt to about the size of softball . I stood there in terror as i tried to comprehend the severity of my accident . I kept thinking it can 't really be happening , that i was just having an awful dream . . . I came to and realized i had to do something . I couldn 't just stand there with a load in my pants . I waddled to the women 's apparel section and quickly snatched up a clean pair of panties , the first i saw . I grabbed some stretchy sweat pants that i figured would fit and headed back to the checkout . I got there and grabbed a travel pack of wet ones sanitary wipes and got my cart , and i went and checked out with a big mess in my pants , and it was obvious to everyone that i had pooped myself . I 've never felt more ashamed and embarrassed . . . i purchased all my things and headed to the ladies room to clean myself up and change my underwear . I got there and i had to carefully remove my blue pants which were stained pretty bad . Between how dark the stain was , the size of the bulge on my butt and the odor , there 's no chance i could 've gotten away with it . I carefully lowered my panties and dumped them into the toilet , then left them off because they were still badly stained . I put my dirty pants and underwear in the empty shopping bag then thoroughly wiped myself with the ones before putting on the new panties . They were white with pink bands around the openings , and they were a bit too snug but they worked . I also put the black sweat pants on and got the hell out of there away from the dozen or so people that witnessed me pooping my pants . Worst experience of my . life . . . Story Teller : Your mom should have not taken you into that female toilet . You are old enough to stand on your own . She should be the one made to stand in a corner for two hours . Abbie : My cousin is a railroad engineer . I will not disclose the railroad . At one point , he was locking all the toilets on his train as punishment and as a deterrent to those who would shit on the toilet seats and the toilet floors . It kept the bathrooms clean , but he was creating a health and safety hazard . So , he had to reopen the restrooms . He likes that job . When I am constipated , I drink a cup of hot water or unsweetened tea with lemon . In fact , I do it everyday . It loosens me up . Cut out the fast food and eat a clean diet and your trouble will be over . English Teacher : Your niece has problems . Let 's stop being politically correct . She does not have " issues . " She has problems . I hated school toilets except for urinating . Any other public toilet was fine . In as much as the school toilet stalls had doors , I hated to move my bowels on school toilets . It was a good thing that I had a strong constitution that allowed me to hold out for so long . I was afraid of the smell and the noise that I would have made . It cost me nearly my life in sickness . I was not the only one . Their shit did not stink . Some girls made the most noise and stinked the most . I went to school with rich and poor , black and white . I have shared a toilet with girls from the wealthiest families when I was teaching . They all did it the same way - skirt up , drawers down and girl , they could shit . I was in the girls bathroom in this old school where I worked . It was a ladies room for all in this old building . The school is defunct . There was this one quiet girl who was a loner and one afternoon , she entered the bathroom , took a stall , lifted her dress and slip , dropped her drawers and did her main business . I had to break down and move my bowels at school in 7th and 8th grades , then in high school . Let her get help from a counselor either at school or elsewhere . It is confidential . Good luck . When that great urge hits her one day , she will overcome . If you will excuse me , I am making a wild rice / spelt bread stuffing pilaf . I want to keep regular . Kate : I was in those campgrounds when I was a girl scout . So , I had to use latrines . I used them in state park preserve that was open to the public . I never had boys look in on me . When I used to baby sit in my teens , little boys would sneak a peak at me on the throne . I still like solitude when I am on the throne . See my airport story when I was a teen . Desperate to poop : I worked in a dept . store when I was in HS and college . I saw plenty episodes during the christmas shopping season . See my earliest posts . I worked with a woman and we both had to go . She was about 20 years older than me . I was 16 . We were waiting on line in the womens bathroom and she told me , " Althea , I have to take a shit in the worst way . " I had to urinate . I let her go in front of me . We were both pulling at our clothes . Under her red dress and black slip , she wore a black girdle with garters which she was undoing . She said , " You 're lucky you 're wearing panty hose ( red under my green skirt ) . I have to fight with this girdle . " When it was time , I let her go into the next availabe stall . She closed the door , hitched up her dress and slip . I saw the girdle and the pink nylon panties come down to her ankles and I heard a loud fart with five good splashes and farts in between . I took the next stall , lifted my green skirt and white slip and let down my green panty hose and magenta panties and urinated . Being that there was a line , I dd not dally . I wiped myself , fixed my clothes and left . My friend called after me that she would see me on the main floor . Petite 100 lb . girl : I used to do that in college . It was a very dangerous act . I was so backed up that I had to take Dulcolax and it caught me by surprise . I do have still a large bladder capacity but I urinate at the first chance . I urinate a lot because I drink lots of water and tea . I am an athlete and I detoxify constantly . Your bowels should move 1 - 3x daily . Holding your bowels and urine retain bad toxins . I remember hearing women at my parents ' jobs in the toilet and girls at school who were constipated . I heard my mom talk about the constipated women in her office . I was in HS and this one girl ( a fellow geek , like me ) who used to move her bowels in the girls gym bathroom in the morning and she was constipated . She used to drop these huge baseball sized pieces and would not flush . Every morning , it was the same old story . Many mornings , I would use that bathroom and she would be in there and I could hear her slowly moving her bowels . She was very friendly . A guy : I always look in the toilet to check for anything unusual . plus I want to see my masterpiece . I look for food that did not make it to my digestvie system and why . Sister : I was an only child . I taught my kid boy and girl cousins to use the toilet by letting them watch me . My mother and aunts put me up to it . indiantallguy : I like that story of Varsha 's episode . I am drinking lots of tea and it 's making me urinate . I am taking a supplement to tone my urinary tract . It reduces the frequency but I still put out . I have not any pee episodes . I have control . English Teacher : When I was before I was 8 , I hated to move my bowels anywhere except home until I visited a house on a summer afternoon and I could not hold it any longer . It happened at that house 2x . I graduated to houses other than my own before I had the courage for school . Then , I was in 7th grade . Just Jerika and Braidy : I used to be self - coscious about my body . In JHS , I could bare it all . In HS : not until 10th grade . Here in NYC , the girls gym toilets had stall doors . In the suburbs , for whatever reason , some gym toilets either had no doors or stalls . As i was playing games with my family i felt a irratating rumble inside of me , i had to fart all the time . I did not feel comfortable at all , i knew that when i would take my much needed dump it would be an incredible relief . I tried to hold it for as long as i could but i really didnt want to shit my panties ! About 1 hour later i was breathing deeply and holding my stomach trying not to fart . But it didnt work they came out anyway . Then one escaped with some wetness , on that feeling i headed to the bathroom carefully . I was doing the poo walk , i mean i urgently needed a shit . I was thinking to myself man this dump aint gonna be pretty , i walked into the bathroom farting a few more times . As soon as i pulled down my tight jeans with my panties i layed my loaded butt on the seat . Without a second after a huge wet fart erupted and several splats of poo after , i was holding my stomach and moaning . Poo explosions kept farting and pouring out , it was soo mushy and it stunk ! A paused happened then a loud gurgle and then full on shit blasted out my butt , from then i was pooing with ease , tonns of farts too ! Amazing bowel movement , thank you dinner for pain then relief . I got up this morning with a big urge to poo but we were running late & I had to drop Wendy off at work so I decided to put it off untill I got back home . The problem was on the way back I got a puncture & had to call the breakdown service out to get the wheel changed . By the time they arrived I was getting desperate & to add to my problems the spare was flat too . The patrol man managed to pump it back up & changed the wheel but by then I was nearly pooing myself . After he left I got back in my car & drove home feeling very uncomfortable with this huge load in my bowels . I made it home just in time but getting from the car to the house was a real problem . I had to walk slowly to keep control & as I walked up the path to the front door I met the old lady next door . She was a bit lonely & loved to chat but in my situation I had no time for chatting . I had to get to the toilet & fast . She wouldn 't let me get away though & she insisted on talking about all the recent snow we 'd had . I really needed to get to the toilet & in the end I bluntly told her that I couldn 't talk as I was about to shit my pants & went indoors . As soon as I shut the front door the phone rang . I was my boss asking me for some information about work . He wouldn 't stop talking & I couldn 't hold it any more . I relaxed & let my bowels release their contents into my knickers while I talked to my boss . It felt really got to be pooing myself while talking to the boss even though he knew nothing about it . Jas When I was 13 I held my poo in for 10 days & made myself constipated . I had to take a couple of laxatives before I went to school & by home time they were working with a vengance . I was walking home when the biggest urge to poo hit me hard . I had to clench hard to keep this massive poo inside my aching bowels & it was hard work . The pressure grew rapidly & soon I felt a sharp pain in my colon moving down towards my anus . I clenched with all my strength against the most intense pressure in my bowels but it was no good . I just didn 't have the strength to keep clenching & I had to admit defeat . I stood with my legs apart & just let go in my pants . It came out in a big rush & it was all soft & very messy . My pants filled up like a balloon & I had semi solid poo oozing down my legs . When it stopped I wasn 't done but the pressure was gone . I still needed to go really badly but I was in control . I thought to myself , what the hell I 've allready made a big mess of myself now so I might as well finish it . I pushed another huge load into my pants & it was such a relief . When I got home I had to get past my mum but she caught me & it was so embarrassing . She was very understanding about it & sent me up to the bathroom to clean up while she found me some clean clothes to change into . Next page : Old Posts page 1968 >< Previous page : 1970 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey
On Sunday me and Ravi , a friend and college student who I ride with , decided to take our bikes out for an extended ride before classes start . Since he 's going away for college and a competitor for biking club meets this fall , he suggested a different route that would give him the training miles required by his coach . I rode over to his house at 4 : 30 a . m . just as the day was breaking because the heat and humidity gets too bad by noon . I knew my bowels were a little stopped up but didn 't take a laxative because such rides tend to work for me . I also think its from the large amount of liquids we take in . As soon as I rang Ravi 's doorbell , he told me to come in and wait because he wanted to visit the bathroom one more time . I asked him if he had been doing the college drinking thing in his last couple days in town , and he admitted he had . It was obvious what was coming out of him behind the door . So we started our trip a little slower because it is hard to see the road kill otherwise . Ravi wrecked up last December by hitting a dead cat at full speed . Luckily he only skinned up his arm and busted his glasses . About two hours in , we came upon a construction site and he spied a portoloo . We stopped and walked our bikes up to it . Since there was no one around and the sun wasn 't fully out , he didn 't close the door . So I could watch the back of his riding shorts and brown t - shirt standing in front of the toilet . I swear I watched him for close to three minutes . Finally he turned around and said he was relieved . Even though he 's eight years older than me , we like giving each other attitude . I asked him with all of his college education he remembered to lift the seat . He said he did . I went up to the toilet , thinking I would pee , and he lied . Still I closed the door , seated myself and did a partial pee . While I sat , I got to thinking how I was lucky it was a partial pee . I was getting so hot and the sweat was just rolling off me . Wouldn 't you know it , but as I quickly stood up and was pulling up my clothing , I started to have feeling in the bowel department . So I took the seat back , did my usual push and could tell it was slowly sliding down the chute . Ravi knocked on the door , said we were falling behind schedule . I cut him off by saying I was trying to meet my ' schedule . ' After another five minutes or so I gave up and we restarted our ride . Now it was bright daylight and we made good time because it was a Sunday morning and little traffic , but after about 45 minutes I told him I was going to need another pit stop . Ravi took us on a bumpy trail that went under the interstate and that rough ride caused my bowels to act up . He asked if I wanted to crap under some large storm drain . I told him No ! I 've tried the hover , squat or whatever its called before and I 'm no good at it . Finally , he said he knew of a park coming up and that 's where we headed . I was wondering how my front tire was holding up on some of the small rocks . Finally we got to the park . There we could see a small block building and luckily we could ride a trail right up to it . I dismounted and hurried to the ladies door . As I got closer , I saw a shiny padlock onMy pee again had come easily , but no matter how hard I pushed . Reseated myself . Redistributed my weight . He asked if I had any suppositories in my pocket . Then I laid into him even worse and started to cry . My water bottle was dry but he offered to give me the remainder of his . I chugged it down as fast as I could . So much so that I burped . This had helped me before once last year . He went out to the drinking fountain and refilled it . Again I chugged it as fast as I could . He kneeled on the side of my toilet and messaged my gut . He had me do a deep breathing exercise . Then he moved in front of me and held my hands . He had me push harder and harder and although I was crying and starting to scream , the monster finally slid out . We were worried because it stopped for a moment , and it was only halfway out . Finally , there was a plop and it was out . I was hurting too much to get off the seat . But by pushing myself back and keeping my legs spread , both Ravi and I could see how incredibly wide it was . And there was blood on the last half of it and a little more of it in the water . Ravi offered me two aspirins that I took while still seated . I apologized to him for being such as b # # # # . He changed the subject and he suggested that we continue off route and find a fast food place for a break . We stopped at a McDonalds . The bathrooms were a lot cleaner and I was able to clean myself . The rest of our ride went great once the aspirins kicked in . And I 'm going to miss my riding partner for the next five months until winter break . Hi everyone , I thought I 'd post again , I 've just come back from a few days away with my friends Lucy and Katie and have a story I 'm going to share . We were staying in a cottage in the country owned by Lucys uncle , we love hiking so it was perfect for us as we were planning to do some long walks and just generally chill out . I was also hoping that more exercise might help me to be a bit less constipated ! ! We ended up sharing the master bedroom as it was huge and had a telly , so we could spend the evening chilling and watching films in bed . The morning after we 'd arrived I got up first as I was desperate for a wee , I was just in my pink flowery pants as it had been really hot overnight so I hadn 't worn a nightie . I walked across to the bathroom and went in , not bothering to shut the door behind me . I pulled down my pants , sat on the loo and had a long gushing wee , I couldn 't help moaning with relief ! As my stream was dying away Lucy came into the bathroom , hopping from one foot to the other . " Are you nearly done Abs only I 'm bursting for a wee ! " she said . As I wiped my front she dropped her orange spotty pants to her knees so she could swap with me straight away , I stood up and she sat on the loo heavily and I heard her starting to wee loudly . I pulled my pants up and heard her moaning with relief as I had just done ! I washed my hands and went back to the bedroom as Lucys stream continued to splash down into the bowl . When I got back to the bedroom Katie was rummaging in her bag , she took out some yellow flowery pants and then took off the pink and blue stripey ones she was wearing before putting on her clean ones . " He 's away on holiday this week , that won 't do any good ! " Lucy replied . A few seconds later she said , " I 've got it , theres a camping toilet in my boot , we can set that up ! " " Well , I think it 's either that or squatting in the garden , I guess , " I said . " I 'll go and get it now , " Lucy said , going out of the bathroom towards the stairs . " Er . . . Lucy . . . " I called after her . " Yes ? " she said , just about to go downstairs , apparently forgetting that she was naked apart from a pair of pants ! " Oh . . . yes . . . good point , " said Lucy , blushing . We both went back to the bedroom , Lucy changed her pants too and then we both put our bras on and then shorts and tee - shirts . After we were dressed Lucy went to her car to retrieve the toilet , she also had some special bags to collect the waste . We decided to put the toilet in the bedroom as there was still loads of room even with three of us sleeping there , the bathroom was tiny in comparison ! " Oh well , at least we can keep watching the telly when we 're on the loo ! " said Lucy , giggling . We had breakfast and went out , Katie had a wee using the bathroom toilet before we left to go walking , and then we poured loads of water down it which made quite a good job of flushing it . We took a picnic with us and set off , while we were out we had to squat down a few times when we needed a wee , but none of us had wanted a poo so far . We got back and had our tea , and then decided to go up to the bedroom and watch a film . Since eating I had a heavy feeling in my belly , and I realised I was starting to need a poo , I knew it would be a bad idea to put off the urge but I wasn 't quite ready to go to the toilet just yet . " Lets get ready for bed , these shorts are sticking in me , I think I ate too much for tea earlier , " Lucy said , unzipping her denim shorts and pulling them down . She lay back on her bed in her tee - shirt and stretched back so her white pants were showing . Katie and I took our shorts off too and then we chose a film , I could see Lucy rubbing her belly and shortly after she said , " Right , I need a poo so I 'm going to christen the camping toilet ! " She got off the bed and walked over to it , dropping her pants and sitting on the seat . I heard some wee tricking down into the bag and then I realised Lucy was pushing , she strained for a while and said " Actually I don 't think its quite ready to come yet , I 'm a bit constipated to be honest , I haven 't been for a poo for a few days . " " Yeah , good idea ! " said Lucy , she stood up , pulled her pants back up and then went to lie back on the bed . Katie was bending over the DVD player with her back to us , I could see the top of her bum showing above her pants . We watched the film for about half an hour then Lucy said , " Right , I 'm going to try again now . " She once again dropped her pants and sat on the loo , I could hear her grunting softly as she strained and saw that she was going a bit red . " Its coming out now , its just a really fat one ! " panted Lucy as she kept on pushing . A few minutes later she moaned with relief and there was a noise as a log dropped into the bag . By now I was starting to get desperate , I was clenching my bum muscles to stop a log from poking out into my pants . " Yeah , I just need to do a bit more , I shouldn 't be much longer , " panted Lucy , she was pushing again to get her next log to drop . It did a few minutes later and Lucy stood up to wipe her bottom . When she 'd wiped and thrown the paper away she pulled up her pants and said , " Right , I 'm done , you can go now ! " I walked over to the loo , eased pants down to my thighs and sat on the warm seat . I unclenched my bum and felt a log starting to poke out , it felt so good to relax and let it come ! After the tip was out though it started to get fatter so I took a deep breath and bore down hard , I could feel it coming out slowly as I pushed . As the fattest part was passing through I had to push harder and couldn 't help making some grunts , luckily Lucy had had to grunt her poo out too so at least I wasn 't the only one ! Luckily my harder pushes did the trick and shortly after I felt a huge log drop into the bag . I could feel there was more to come so I stayed sitting and felt another log starting to come out . Katie was sitting on the bed and was clearly finding it hard to sit still , suddenly she said , " Abbie , I really need a wee , how much longer are you going to be ? ! " By now my second log was part way out , I said , " I think I 'll need another few minutes yet , I 'll try to be as quick as I can ! " Katie nodded and bit her bottom lip . I did my best to get my poo out as fast as possible , I did some hard pushes and felt it speed up as it slid out of my bum . By now Katie was standing next to me with her thumbs in her pants ready to drop them and sit on the loo . " I 'm gonna have to change these knickers , I 've dribbled in them a bit , " she said as she was weeing , I looked over and saw a dark patch in her pants . I finished wiping my bottom and threw the paper between Katies legs , I pulled up my pants and went back to lie on the bed . Katies stream was dying away and soon she finished with a few final dribbles , she wiped her front and then took her pants off and went over to her rucksack . She took out some white pants and put them on . Lucy got rid of the bag and then we carried on watching the film . Hope you enjoyed this story , will post again soon , bye for now ! ! Hi my name is Anna . I 'm 18 , 5 ' 2 . When i was younger , 10 - 14 , I didn 't like to poop anywhere but my own toilet . My first story takes place when I was about 12 . I just moved from another state and met my friend Sam . Well I was at her house and got a need to poop . I tried to hold it . I held it for about an hour then it started to poke out . I sucked it back in but it was ready to come out . i knew I wasn 't going to make it home to go so i leaned over the computer in her room and pushed it out into my pants . It didn 't really smell too bad but if you got near me you could smell it . I did all I could to get away with it . But then I had an idea . I would go to the bathroom and dump the poop out and I would be fine . As I was going her mom was coming up the stairs and saw the bulge . She asked if I 'd had an accident , I denied it And she pulled the back of my pants out to check them . Sure enough , she found a nice big solid piece of shit in them . She took me to the bathroom and had to clean it up . Her mom got me a pair of SAMs pants and underwear from her room . Her mother put mine in a plastic bag to bring home . That 's not my last accident either . I 've had plenty of them in my early teens . Lorenz Yes , it is embarrassing the first few times at school . I remember signing out of study hall and walking a large part of the building looking for a bathroom that was decent . Ideally it would be a toilet at the far end of the room . No guys across from you at the urinals . No guys close by at the sinks . No guys waiting in lines and eyeing you over as you sit with your briefs down and your hand protecting your organ from laying on the front of the toilet bowl still dripping from the last guys ' piss . Some of the guys will scout 2 or 3 bathrooms before making their decision to sit and make the best of it . With the help of some of my friends , a couple who are girls , I don 't go into the bathroom until my dump is fully ready . If I can do a fast dump with only 2 minutes on the toilet there 's a better chance I will attract attention . I learned the hard way that I 'm better off keeping my jeans and underwear more than halfway up my thigh . Pretty much right up to the toilet . I like to guard my privacy . My actual dump starts immediately when my butt touches the seat . As it comes out , I have toilet paper in hand and wipe from my seat . I completely pull my clothing up before I turn around to flush the toilet . I learned a tough lesson by not doing that a couple of years ago ! Then I give the flusher one yank . If it doesn 't work I don 't try a second time because I prefer not to be seen in a stall . And I always worry about being out of study hall or class for too long and being hassled by the teacher when I bring my pass back . The less embarrassing the better , I guess . Hello , I 'm back to continue the story of what happened on our wild camps in the Cambrian Mountains . I told you the other day about our mate Callum who took a dump about 50 metres away from the campsite , in plain view of us as he was pretty desperate . Anyway he came back to the group and handed the bog roll and trowel to Josh who then went off to do his business . Josh took a bit longer looking around to find somewhere to hide to do his business near the campsite but it was a real struggle . He was walking around for 15 minutes or so looking for somewhere to go . The lie of the land was hard to explain but where we were camped there was an area where we were camped and an open area surrounded by barbed wire , and elsewhere the ground was really boggy and wet underfoot , open and stoney or just open . Anyway Josh was wondering around with the trowel and bog roll , and some of my mates were yelling at him to hurry up and go as we all needed to go too and it wasn 't far from getting dark . Josh ended up digging a hole up on the hill . He was a bit further away than Callum had been but we could still see what was going on . He dug a hole then stood up facing away from us and went for a piss . Then he turned facing us and squatted down over his hole . He was squatted down for quite some time and some of us were yelling at him to hurry up and stuff . He stood up to wipe his ass and he wiped quite a few times ( probably about 10 times ) . We were all yelling at him while he was doing this . He then came back and handed the bog roll over to someone else before going to wash his hands in the river . The rest of us all went where Callum had been down by the boggy ground , but it was starting to turn dark so it was difficult to see what they were doing . I was last to go and had to take a torch . I laid the torch down on the ground while I did my business and I was suprised how much crap I produced . It was difficult to find space in the hole to put the used paper ! I had stood up to wipe my ass and when I got back to the tents the others told me aThe next morning Josh needed to go again before we set off and we were all treated to an early morning view of him doing his business again ! I think as we get closer as mates we are getting less self conscious about our bodies in front of each other . When we piss we generally just take a couple of steps away and turn our backs to the others now , a year ago we would have hidden for that . This was the first time we had knowingly taken a crap in front of each other , and I am interested to know what happens next time we wild camp with limited privacy . The next night there were some nearby mounds we could hide behind , although we all went skinny dipping to wash in a very cold lake , but we covered our private parts with our hands when we were getting in / out . Bruce from Chicago I used to commute daily through a very dangerous neighborhood with high crime rates . A few times I had to poop really bad while caught in slow moving traffic . Instead of risking stopping in the area , I 'd just do it in my pants . I was alone and no one was at home . No one ever knew about it . i wonder if anyone else has done it in their pants while stuck in traffic . - Thanks for your comments ! I had never thought about a stall without a private door , even though I had heard boys speaking about it . Isn 't it really embarrassing to take a dump with no doors ? I kinda wish to try opening the door and taking a dump once when there is nobody in my house ! I liked your recent story too ! Thanks ~ - Thanks for your comments ! Yeah , I agree that holding your poops for a long time and having an accident in your pants is a bad idea . I 'd rather go to the bathroom if I was that desperate . I don 't usually go to public bathrooms to poop unless when I 'm really desperate , but I had some travels to the public bathroom when I was kinda desperate . I pee in the public bathroom sometimes though . I liked your peeing story . Thanks ~ - I liked your story about Lucy 's diarrhea ! I have a older sister , but she is never open with her bowel movement . I wish to hear more from you . Thanks ~ Well today , a really strange thing happened . I didn 't poop yesterday , so I felt kinda full today . I woke up , an went to the toilet peed , and drank coffee . After doing some work and reading a book , it was 2pm , and I started texting Edward . We promised to meet tomorrow to see a movie , and said bye . I suddenly had the urge to go to the bathroom , so I headed to the toilet . I sat down , peed a little , and I took my phone , and started texting my girlfriends . I pushed a little , but nothing came out besides farts , so I stopped texting , and kinda grunted . My poop was coming out , and it splashed into the water . I pushed again , and this poop was coming out slowly . When my poop was halfway out , my phone rang . It was awkward to have a phone call while pooping , but I saw the phone to check who it was . It was Edward ! He called me while I was pooping ! I considered to answer or not . I thought that answering would be a better idea , and answered . �� Hi �� he said . �� Hi �� I said back . �� Why did you call ? �� I asked him holding in a fart . �� Just . . I was curious what you were doing . �� he replied . My pooped that was halfway out broke apart , and fell in the toilet . �� I . . was just reading a book . �� I said , and blushed because I was afraid that he might have heard the splashing sound . �� Oh , did something fall ? �� he asked . He heard that splashing sound ! �� Umm , my eraser j . . just fell into my coffee ! H . . how weird ? �� I said . He laughed a little and said , �� What are you planning to wear tomorrow ? �� he asked me as a poop started heading out of my bum . �� Umm , I . . I �� m not sure . How about a tennis skirt with a blouse ? �� I said while my poop was slowly coming out . I held in another fart . �� Oh , have a nice day , and see you tomorrow ! �� he said as my poop was almost out . �� Yeah , you too . Bye ! See you tomorrow ! ~ �� I said sweetly . But my poop splashed with a loud splashing noise before I said the word �� bye �� . I blushed , and continued pooping . As I finished the talk , enormous farts erupted out of my butt . Some more banana poops came out too , and I felt quite empty . I wiped , and before I flushed , I saw the toilet . It had five big logs and two small logs . There was also the broken log . It smelled a little , but it wasn 't bad , so I washed my hands and went out . Our house has three bathrooms which one is upstairs , and two is downstairs . I went on the one which was the biggest one , and it was one of the downstairs bathroom . But one of the other bathrooms were locked . I knocked the door , and my sister said , �� It �� s me . �� Oh , you were home ? �� I said . �� Yeah , and I �� m having diarrhea , so you won �� t want to smell this . �� she said . So I said �� Of course . �� But when I tried to go , I heard her phone �� s bell , and she was having diarrhea ! �� Hi Paul . �� she said . Well , lets say that her boyfriend �� s name is Paul . She was like �� Well Paul , I �� m having an upset stomach , so I �� m in the toilet . �� she said . Well she just said that she was in the toilet ! I didn 't know that she was that open about her bowels to her boyfriend ! She let out another explosive diarrhea , and said �� No , I �� m fine . Just a little gassy . �� After some conversation about a movie or something , they began laughing ! She was still having diarrhea , and she was laughing ! She is my older sister ( I have a younger sister too ) and I was kind of surprised to know that she was really open with her boyfriend unlike me . I �� ll never have the courage to say that I am I the toilet to Edward ! I don �� t even go to pee in front of him . I wish that I could be more confident too . Thanks for reading , and please give me comments after you read ! ~ Mina Sorry everyone , today Mina is angry . Angry angry angry ! ! I read post from Lindsey , about Bettie her friend . Poor poor Bettie . I agree , it is not nice for person has to clean poo all over floor . But I feel more sorry for Bettie . Why parents can 't tell their children - especially girl - that it is not wrong that do motion at school , or library or department store or MacDonald or anywhere , when you want to do ? I can see , Bettie want to go to loo so much , but she can 't go , because shame . She hope and hope and hope that her motion stay in her bottom until she get home , and then her hope doesn 't come to true , and she is more shame , much more , because she doesn 't know that it is better to go to loo at school ? Poor Bettie ! I hate , hate , hate when people say , motion in public place is shame and bad . Because people around Bettie have so stupid idea , Bettie have tragedy . Lindsey , you say you don 't know why Bettie didn 't go to loo . I know why . Because shame ! and hope she can do at home . My friend Kazuko have mother who say same thing . She say , woman never go to loo except at home , and only do little one and finish quick . Kazuko is very stress because such idea . Kazuko 's mother is not bad woman , but she has this bad bad habit . So I angry to her . Kazuko eat like elephant , so of course her motion is huge . But she rebel against mother so she expel her stress . She come my flat and go on loo and stay forever and do huge pile big like watermelon or 2 watermelons . And I never make her feel shame . It 's OK ! I hope one day Bettie feel OK about go to loo and do motion never end . And Lindsey , you can help her , if she have that problem again you say , Bettie come with me to loo , if you don 't go you be very ill , I want to go too , so we can go together ! Maybe then Bettie not feel embarrass so much . Maho and Kazuko and Hisae say same thing and they send love to Bettie and to you Lindsey . And to everyone . I too send my love . Thank you for your kind words ! Yes , I fart a lot . I love farting ! It feels good and sounds funny , even though it can be embarrassing . I have posted some fart stories on the forum . Again , I know that people don 't like the " she thinks her farts don 't stink " kind of people , but mine do not usually have the pungent odor that most people 's do . However , mine are the loud , bubbly , machine gun type farts that don 't necessarily have a strong smell , but can be difficult to hold and control . I wrote about the time that I accidently farted around Alan the first time on the 4th of July last year . I 'm not certain of the page number . Then , I wrote about farting around him this winter , when I had a case of gas that did smell bad , but was loud and noisy . Also , I shared a story about farting on purpose . One of my guilty pleasures is sitting on a hard surface and forcing a fart as hard and loud as I can . I did that in front of Alan . I can 't remember when I wrote about it though . Also , I farted around my office manager , " Melissa " a while back , one that was pretty loud but not smelly . Yes , I love it and Alan likes it too . However , we are not doing this every day . I still excuse myself if I know it 's coming . However , once in a while we may fart around each other in playful way . Or , we might have them happen by accident , which those are funny too ! I hope that 's helpful . What about you ? What made you ask the question ? I would love to hear from you ! It was fun to answer ! I read your post and felt really bad for you ! I 'm glad that you made it home and had some privacy to have a long overdue bowel movement . I know that it felt good to get all of that out ! I understand your reasoning for wanting to hold it . I really do ! However , we all have to go and I know that Edward , if he was worth it , would be supportive of your needs . But I totally understand ! Hang in there ! Thanks for reading that story ! Not even six months into a relationship and he sees me explode with vomiting and diarrhea ! I knew he was the one when he took care of me like he did ! Love , Catherine ! 1 . When you last took a crap did you have to pee or poop worse ? It was this morning and I had to poop worse . My urges come on pretty strong ! 2 . What order do you usually poop and pee in ? I would say that unless I have to pee really bad , I will poop first . That 's true with about 95 - 99 % of my poops ! 3 . Have you ever pee 'd a little in a maxi pad on your way to the bathroom to go poop ? No . Fortunately I have a pretty strong bladder and urethra ! I don 't leak when I sneeze or have a strong urge to poop or pee . 4 . When you last took a crap in front of somebody what was there reaction when you went both pee and poop ? Yes . Alan laughed when I farted really loud on the toilet . I 've peed in front of him many times , but I usually don 't get a reaction to that . I have had three " solid " accidents since becoming a teenager . I am 35 years old . I have also had some accidents with diarrhea and one large , mushy stool accident ( I have not shared that one on the forum and probably won 't . ) The diarrhea and mushy stools were an interesting feeling . Both have a nice sensation while they are happening , but afterwards is a mess . The solid accidents were really a pleasant feeling . In all three instances the stool was large , bulky and firm . Also , in all three instances I had missed one or two of my normal trips to the bathroom , and so when the urge hit , it was pretty strong and never subsided . In fact , the urge got stronger . And , when it happened , it created a feeling of euphoria . Because the bowel movements were firm , it was a very positive sensation and experience . Fortunately , none of these happened in public or in front of anyone . I secretly want it to happen again , but will not ever do it intentionally . Too , I wish I could tell Alan about my experiences , but I wonder if it would be gross . Unlike your friend , my poop came out all at once . Your friend seemed to be releasing small amounts at various intervals . As to what to eat , I would recommend a high - fiber diet with whole grains , cereal , beans , vegetables , fruits , lots of water and yogurt . I would avoid fast food , greasy food , and lots of sweets and sodas . If you do that , your urges to go should be stronger and your stools should be larger . Also , it will help your bowel health . I wrote a post called a Christmas Recipe for a good Poop in which I shared my diet . I will submit and then try to find what page . Let me know how it goes ! Love , to Vincene : Oh , I hadn 't thought off this , that he might have open the door on purpose . That really gives me the creeps . I 'm sorry this happened to you . I hear you about being totally exposed . I pretty much always pull my clothes all the way down when I need to do a number two and if I ever got walked in on , they would really get an eyeful . But then , I just expect to have my privacy on a toilet . And so far so good ! to Lindsey : Thanks for liking my story ! Pretty much every time I have noticed an unflushed toilet it was because the flush didn 't work . I have seen this quite a few times , mostly at my uni . Your story was cool . I 've had many similar experiences where I got myself into an uncomfortable situation because I didn 't want to admit to a boyfriend or date that I had to go to the bathroom . A couple of times I think I was close to peeing my pants on a ride home and at least once I really needed to poop badly ! Lorenz . The old Army barracks had no stalls , just toilets around the wall of an open room . When i got out , It felt strange taking a dump with no one to chat with . Don 't eat plum pits ! They contain cyanogenetic glucosides ( which are made of cyanide ) . They are very toxic and can harm or kill you if your body breaks them down . Stone fruit pits ( plums , cherries , nectarines , apricots , and peaches all contain cyanide . Please no body eat these pits . I 'm a student council officer and I 've given three tours in the past week to transfer students and incoming freshmen . About halfway through each tour in our huge building we hit one of the areas of the first floor that has two of our most heavily used bathrooms . At that point I offer to give them a break . Several take it , but before they go into their gender 's bathroom , I hold them back for a short explanation . You see a year ago our principals took the toilet paper rolls out of each of the stalls and instead mounted each of the rolls next to one another on the outside of the first stall in the long row of stalls . They told us at the time there would be less vandalism and waste of the paper in each stall . And they said the toilet paper " wall " could be better supervised by custodians . When I explain this it always causes some students to be pretty surprised , and some laugh out . Several want to walk into their restroom and see what it looks like . For those that come back and complain , sometimes they also bring up the large number of door latches broken off , and the number of toilets with no stall door . I tell them it gets better as the year goes on and that many of the teachers will allow them to leave class in emergencies to use the bathroom . I also tell them that the smaller bathrooms in each of the classroom wings , and especially on the upper floors , are sometimes underused . Still when the tour ends I see looks on their faces that our large school is scary . Its an urban school and I don 't know how to change that view . After my last tour I had a girl ask me about the time schedule available between classes to use the bathroom . She has IBS and sometimes has to crap two or three times a day . One substitute at the junior high told her she wasn 't going to get five - hours of credit for going to the bathroom . I just think that is so mean ! She didn 't seem like she had much confidence in herself . I agree . Having your clothing at ankle level in school or in another public place is juvenile . At home where I have more privacy , I like my clothing at floor level . How old are you ? I don 't know how long ago you were in school but smoking is still a problem in some of the bathrooms today . Interestingly , the use of smoke detectors and cameras at the entrance to some restrooms that show who is going in and at what time is a way that smoking can be reduced . Some of that equipment was discussed at our state student council association meeting . 1 . When you took your last crap did you have to poop or pee worse ? Both . I was working on my computer and wanted to finish up first . 2 . What order do you poop or pee in ? Poop 1st , usually fast and soft , and then I pee . It is mostly the same if I 'm home or out in public . 3 . Have you ever peed a little in a maxi - pad while on the way to the toilet to poop ? Yes . Especially if the lines are long to the public toilets . It happens quite a bit at school and places like the movies . They 're surprised . But I 'm a fast down , fast done person . Sometimes I 'm wiping and flushing within a minute of being seated . 5 ) Do you pee in the shower ? Yes , it sometimes depends on my mood . And if my sister is on the toilet waiting for a crap and I know other family members are lined up . Our vacation is now about to come to an end . We have spent 97 nights sleeping in a tent in the woods and mountains . And for all those days we have not used an ordinary toilet ! ( The closest to that we come is a funny long drop toilet at an old building at the sea where the long drop ended onto the shore ! Paper and poop ending up in the tidal zone waiting for the tid to flush it away . ) My girl friend jokes that we just lack three nights from becoming elite members of the Field Squat Society . I was not at all used to going to toilet outside before , but I got into it very quickly . Picking up the roll of toilet paper , walking away , finding shelter behind a bush or a stone , pulling down , squatting and letting go soon became the most natural thing of our daily activities . My girl friend who has been a girl scout for years , was well acquainted with it from before , so she did not need any time for familiarizing with primitive bathroom access . It has been much easier than I could imagine in advance . Only three times I have been accidentally discovered on close distance . ( I have told about all three previously - first a mature woman coming by , second my own mother and third a fellow camper ( biker ) ) . My girl friend has been discovered a couple of times more , but she also has been squatting a lot more times than me ( peeing and even pooping often twice a day ) . Often we have been the only persons camping at a certain spot and then it has not been a challenge at all to find suitable spots both for pooping and peeing . But when camping where there are several others it may be a challenge to find places out of sight of others . We have seen , mostly on distance certainly , several others squatting with trousers at the knees . I think all wild campers do it , but even car tourists , truck drivers etc . One place ( northern part of Norway ) we saw several persons from a large group of seniors from a tourist bus ( Russian ? ) trying to hide to get necessary things done . ( Without success , I must say , white bums shining everywhere ! ) In the dense woMr . Clogs Jennifer G : Thanks for your reply and feedback ! At least the seat can hold more than what a cup can handle . Hey cars depreciate over time so enjoy peeing in the back seat . Just the enemas did help , I 'll have to do it as needed . Too much would cause some irritable situations later . Could be from the water used when I take a shower . Some how it may be the body cleaning itself from the toxins in the colon . I didn 't try it today so maybe tomorrow or another day I 'll do the enema . I noticed I was able to poop without much effort . So an enema once in a while is good . I 'll keep that in mind . Your story is very descriptive . Bettie must have been quite frustrated with herself that she couldn 't hold it until she got home . I feel sorry for her because when she changed her mind and decided to use the nearest bathroom , that bathroom was locked . At my high school there is another problem with waiting until the last minute to get on the stool . Some of the bathrooms have only 3 or 4 stalls and during passing periods there might be 7 or 8 guys standing in there ready to dump . Also many of the seats get splashed up by those who don 't want to wait for a urinal to become available . So I know some of the guys will hold their dumps in hope of making it to the end of the day . Oh , another issue is that almost all of our stalls don 't have privacy doors . - Thanks for the comment ! I liked your story about your morning poop too ! Also , I read your story about Alan helping you when you was sick from the old posts , and it was really fun ! This time , my story is about myself , so please give comments after reading ! ~ - I really liked your story about your library poop ! I had never met a toilet that wouldn 't flush , but I 'd be pretty embarrassed if I was in your situation ! Please give me comments after reading my story ! ~ Well , to start my story , Edward and I met last Friday . I didn 't have much work to do , and the weather was really hot , so we went shopping . In 10am , we met in a department store , and started shopping for some good clothes . However , I had the urge to poop because I was constipated for three days . I couldn 't tell Edward that I had to poop because I still wanted to be a passionate girl to him . I had a little stomachache , and walking a lot didn 't help . We bought a few clothes , and we went to a Italian restaurant inside the department store . I was happy to sit down , and I knew that eating a lot would upset my stomach , but I was quite hungry , so I ate quite a lot . I ate cream pasta , shared a steak with Edward , ate a bowl of tomato soup , and a dessert . It was quite a lot , and I felt full , and a little bloated . I didn 't feel like super bad now , but my urge to poop was growing stronger and stronger . We went to a cafe after wards . We each drank a cup of coffee , and we planned to go to the park . However , my stomach didn 't feel good at that moment , and I didn 't want to have an accident like Grace in my first post , so I asked him if we can go home , and meet again in Sunday . I had to make up a story about having a little more work to do left . He said �� If you have more work to do left , we should go home . Lets meet again in Sunday . I will take you home since it is really far from your house from here . �� I said , �� Thanks �� , and went to the parking lot . We went inside the car , and drove off . The thing I was concerned the most was that Edward was right . The department store was really far from my house . It took more than a hour to go to my house , and I was sure that the traffic won �� t be good because it was Friday . Also , my stomach was getting worse . Since I held in all the farts , the pain was getting worse , and I really had to go to the toilet now . We drove about 5 minutes , and a strong cramp hit me . My face was pale , and my hands were clammy . As I had imagined , the traffic didn 't help me . After about 10 minuteNick A few questions about spicy food I love spicy food and eat it on a daily basis , and sometimes my stools sting or burn a little when they come out . If I eat something that is excessively spicy , my stools become very soft or mushy , and burn quite badly . It doesn 't stop me from eating spicy foods since I crave that burning sensation ( and surprisingly , enjoy the burning when it comes from the other end . I don 't like stomach cramps and diarrhea , but it doesn 't put me off ) . This is common , since capsaicin ( chemical in hot peppers responsible for the burning sensation ) can irritate the intestines ( and stomach , which is protected by a mucus lining , in large enough doses ) , leading to loose stools and potentially full blown diarrhea , and can irritate the anus as well , making bowel movements burn when expelled . Hey folks ! Today I was eating some plums ( the small kind ) , and i accidentally swallowed one of the pits , and it got me thinking that it was going to go right through my system and out the other end . So I decided to eat a bunch more pits on purpose , to see what it would look like . I ended up eating 7 of them . Later on in the day , I felt the consequences knockiing at my back door , so I went to the bathroom and plopped myself down on the toilet , ready to dispose of my waste . I pushed out a long , thin , soft log that splashed down in the water . I got up and had a peek , but it was obvious tha tthere weren 't any of the pits in it . I sat back down and pushed , and a second turd slid out of my butt into the bowl . I took a peek , and there were the pits , all compressed into a single turd . They were held together by a tiny amount of poo . I wiped three times , and then I flushed the toilet . The first turd was sucked down right away , but the second one disintegrated , releasing the pits which floated to the surface . Only four of them spiralled down the toilet , the other four swirled around at the surfacce . I flushed again , and with a whoosh the pits were dragged down the drain . Vincene When the biker opened the door on me , I was fully exposed ; my legs were open as wide as the stall 's sides would allow . My clothing was at floor level . In his defense , I know that he was probably totally surprised to find me in there on the toilet because I had no car or bike parked out there . The offer to buy me coffee and giving me his business card and probably hopefully getting mine was surprising to both me and Diver . Diver thought the biker might have been watching we walk in , planned to open the door if it wasn 't locked , and might have been aroused during the time from when he threw the door open on me and when I came out . That would have created the chance that he wanted to see me again . That was a great story about Bettie . Remembering back like 15 years ago when I was in 7th grade , it can be a time of a lot of turmoil for girls . Avoiding using the bathrooms at school , especially to crap , is one way of avoiding some of that conflict . Sure , as Bettie found , it can create even worse consequences and outcomes , but that comes with trial and error . My family was living in the Pacific Northwest at the time and I was the only person among my group of friends to cover the seat of the toilet before sitting down on it . Our junior high had those toilet ass gaskets , but most didn 't bother with them . There were some snide comments made in front of me , ' Society Chick ' and things like that . Then my dad lost his job and we moved to the other side of the country . The school was much larger , but didn 't have the ass - gaskets . So I started to line the seat with toilet paper . That would be a problem because it would often fall off before I got seated . Now those waiting in line for my toilet would make rude remarks about me ' wasting ' the remaining toilet paper that they needed to wipe with . At first , I tried the Bettie approach , but as I got involved in activities after school , holding it until 5 : 30 or 6 p . m . was no longer an option . I learned over a short period of time to sit bare - bottom on the toilet and I have never thought about going back to the seat papering routine . Bettie may very well come to the conclusion that holding it is not a viable option . Perhaps as your friendship with her grows , you can encourage her too . She 's lucky to have a friend like you with sensitivity toward her needs . I believe it was the summer after 3rd grade . There were a couple of families on our block who were on vacation so I didn 't have any of my usual playmates . So I was in my back yard early one evening and these two boys Anthon and Damon were walking up the alley behind our houses . They were kicking cans that probably fell out of the back of the garbage truck earlier that day . I recognized them as going to my school , but since they were two years older , I knew my parents probably wouldn 't let me play with them . They asked me to come and asked me about when I knew their friends would be getting back in town . The sun was starting to go down and Anthon said he had to piss . Damon made some lame remark about whether he knew his way home , which was like two houses east , and Anthon punched Damon . I guess if either of them went home this close to curfew , their parents made them stay in . One of them motioned to go a few feet east to the back of my parent 's garage and at first they lost me . They had come up with a contest . One can was in the far track of the alley and the nearest was in the other track closest to us . They were shoving one another coming up with rules and some names that I later would learn were bad epithets . The wind blew the farthest can over and Damon picked a small rock out of the alley lane to put in each can . Each of them had to stand butt against the gate to our back yard and depending how much piss each had in them , the goal was who would get the most into the front can and the back can . Once their stream ran out , they were done . I bet on Damon because I thought Anthon was kind of a jerk . If Damon won , I could choose the rules for the next round , otherwise , I would have to go to the bathroom in front of them for the next round . Damon must have had less in his bladder and he wasted much of it that never got into one of the two cans , but once he got control with his aim it was too late . Anthon called me to the other side of the garage where my dad had three unused foundation blocks stacked . It took both bshyla When I was in the fourth grade , I had a crabby old teacher who wouldn 't let me go to the bathroom . In those days , you had to obey your teacher . I had to take a poop so bad . It felt like it was going to force its way out . I gripped the sides of my seat to pull my butt down hard to keep it in . It got so uncomfortable that I really didn 't care anymore . I raised my butt a little preparing to just " let it go " in my pants . Luckily , it receded . It was close to the end of the school day and I was able to wait until school was out . I had a 2 block walk home from school . It returned as I was halfway home and the other kids went their different ways . It blasted out in my pants , but it but the relief was so great and it felt so good . I was wearing undies that held it in place and could feel the load in my undies bumping against the back of my legs as I was walking . No one was home after school . I actually liked the feeling and went in my pants a few more times walking home . You didn 't want to use the school bathrooms as the bigger kids used it as a smoking area Next page : 2581 >< Previous page : 2583 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . 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I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . On a forgotten corner in town , there is an old abandoned house not surrounded by any neighbors . Though , this house isn 't as abandoned as an abandoned house really should be . See , it is where the Tanaka Gang claims it 's rein , their hideout and main headquarters for everything they do . Surprisingly , the place looks kept and somehow even has anything a regular house would have such as electricity , heat and air - conditioning and water . It isn 't told how they get any of those amenities , but it 's possible that the leader of the gang either has some connects or simply gets what she wants . Plus , no one has ever tried to arrest them for being in an abandoned house that they pay nothing for , perhaps again the leader is the reason for that though no one would go telling the truth either way . Natsume Tanaka , the leader of the strongest gang was sitting down on the couch in the abandoned house looking at each of her members . They were having a meeting after school like they usually did . Yes , they were all still in high school but that didn 't make them any less scary or a threat as a gang . Rather , they owned a large territory and everyone knew not to mess with that at all . They always meant after school , and usually on non - school days they would spend most of their time there unless they were busy with other things . " Alright . Any new information floating around ? " Natsume asked her gang members . They gang knew everything in town , they had a lot of members who had many ways of finding information out . It kept them ready for anything . " Any new threats that any of you have found ? Concerns ? Anything ? " It was important to make sure that things were running smoothly before they chose to just simply relax and enjoy their time together as gang mates . Natsume crossed her legs , pulling out a lollipop and stripping it of its wrapping . She placed it in her mouth , waiting for any kind of answer from the people around her in the living room set up by all the gang members . They weren 't always doing work , they enjoyed themselves too , however they wanted . This meant that they decided to put a lot into the house so that way they could have things to do . They had furniture , food in the kitchen , TV , many games to be able to play , whatever the gang members wanted and liked . Remi Yamada was at first nowhere to be seen . She was a strange one and everyone knew that . She always wanted to be called ' Mad Prism ' but mostly no one ever did that even if she complained to them every day about it . She was the only one that really said it . She was fond of coming into a room suddenly , so she had a habit of being a flashy entrance person . Though , she was also good at hiding because she would hide somewhere waiting for the right moment to appear . Thankfully she had learned a lot by her friend Mari who was a part of the gang # 1 Usual meetings . Food . Games . The gang could almost be compared to a nice little school club in a way . All they needed was an adult to supervise or something like that , and there 'd almost be no difference . But then again , that was the whole point of being in a gang , wasn 't it ? To be free of " adult supervision " and their constraints . To truly be oneself without others bringing you down . To be yourself among peers who would never try to change you as long as you did not interfere with the liberty of others , right ? Though I would not put it like that , I agree with that notion . It would appear that there is little need to worry about threats at this point , considering our reputation precedes us . People think we are the troublemakers . It 's useful , yet annoying . " Ryder was leaning against a wall , seeing as he wasn 't exactly the most ' social abled ' person . Obvious by the fact he was always wearing a ski mask or on occasion a welding mask . But his trademark item of clothing he almost wore 24 / 7 - Like right now - was this black motorcycle helmet with a highly reflective visor , so that anyone or anything that tried to see the wearer 's face would only get a slightly distorted reflection of themselves . But alas , back to the matter at hand . He reached into his jacket 's inner pockets , and pulled out a tape recorder , pressing the rewind button , causing a jumble of words to zoom past in reverse . Before he pressed play . " None of my sources have noticed anything weird ! Aucun de mes sources ont remarqué quelque chose de bizarre ! " The voice that said the statement sounded like one of those computerized assistants , but it was painfully obvious that it was one of those language learning things he used to convey his messages . Hinted by the way the device also said the French version of the English sentence in an almost cheery - or as cheery as a computer could get - tone . To anyone that either knew Ryder well enough , or somehow managed to pick pocket the tape recorder off of him , knew that the device held thousands , perhaps even more than that , of quotes . Luca had entered the hideout hand in hand with his boyfriend , Cassius Sterling , or , as most called him , Cas . They were always together like this , and Luca had looked mildly irritated and very embarrassed when he entered the hideout , for reasons unknown . He seemed to gradually calm down as he sat , only after being forcibly dragged into Cas ' lap , sending him one last glare before focusing his attention on Natsume . He thought for a moment before speaking up . His main area of expertise was in downtown , and with all of his accessories and tattoos , he blended in effortlessly . When Remi made her appearance , the annoyed scowl on Luca 's face got even worse . Of all people in this fucking world , why is she my only blood relative nearby ? He didn 't want to admit it , but Remi was his cousin . They had not seen each other since they were small children , so they didn 't know for sure at first when Luca first joined the Tanaka gang . After they started talking they quickly realized that they were indeed cousins . Luca was of course happy to have a relative somewhere in this big world , but it annoyed him to no end that that person had to be someone weird like Remi . She wouldn 't stop teasing him about Cas , either . It was like she was an annoying fangirl or something like that . " They 've been noisy as ever downtown . While they seem ready to pick a fight , I tried inquiring to them about you , Natsume , but . . . " He stopped a little , realizing that he was talking a lot . He didn 't like talking a lot . He slightly readjusted the gas mask on his face as he continued . " . . . most of them fear the Tanaka gang , it appears . There were some punks making a bit of a scene , though . So . . . I 'm not really sure . " It was easier for him to speak to others when he was covered by his gas mask . It was also comforting when he felt Cas ' hands gently holding his waist . He didn 't comment on it , didn 't even look at his boyfriend . Everyone in the gang knew about them , and thought them cute . He awaited Natsume 's response as he put his hands on top of Cas ' warm ones , silently . He knew that Cas would get the subtle message , the " don 't let go now " , the " I appreciate it " . Cas was the only reason that he really started socializing with other people . If not for Cas , he would 've never been able to speak in front of the gang like this . It made him quite happy that they could spend their days like this together , all of them . They were serious pretty often but also had time to play games and cook ( sometimes also burn shit in the kitchen , if it went like that ) and in general they had a lot of time for each other . It felt like a club with gang activities on the side . A family , even . They stuck together through fire and ice , they would never be apart . Another day , another meeting , another nice experience . He hoped that nothing would ever tear them apart . Unlike the other info gatherers of the Tanaka gang , Haru wasn 't good at getting anything about the enemy . Mostly because he couldn 't be bothered to go around looking for it . His specialty was when the enemy was already there , and making sure that they wouldn 't be pulling any " tricks " by reading their emotions . Suishou was leaning back on a wall , sucking on a mint that she popped into her mouth . She appeared more girly , and no one would possibly suspect her of being in a gang . She mainly joined because she needed some excitement in her life , rather than always staying home and doing boring things . " I 've got a bit . In school , I 've heard that there 's some sort of rumor of another gang in the city . The police are looking around and trying to sniff things about . That , I got from my friend . Her dad is a cop , but a ton of people are crowding her to figure out if the rumor were true or not . " She explained , biting down on the already thin and melted mint . Today , her hair was tied up in a wavy and slightly curled pony tail , kept up with a flower accessory . Her blouse was loosely buttoned along with her school uniform tie , which easily gave off that she was pretty lazy . " Also . . . People are beginning to suspect us rather than the other gang , but honestly , if you ask me , the other gang is just a huge joke to me . Slobby cover ups , work , and they leave too much evidence behind . " She explained , letting out a soft sigh . " Last thing . . " She said , standing up straight . She put her hand on her hip , which was out of habit as she spoke . " I was curious on this , so I did some snooping around in school , and I was able to make people . . Ahem , ' cough up ' information on this . It looks like those people do their dirty work in groups , and they do it in alleyways . They aren 't too good at deception , and I can 't say they are the most bright . But I can say that they are good . Even if they leave evidence , so far , none of the evidence can be traced back to them due to lack of DNA samples and finger prints . " She explained . She had heard this from a young cop who was on the case , and it wasn 't hard for her to get that information out , even though she hated the process . Avery 's eyes darted from person to person as they spoke up . She was obviously giving all of her attention to listening and picking up on what everyone was saying . She never uttered a word herself , though . As usual , she was rather quiet . Not because she wanted to play it cool , like many others , but because she knew she didn 't have anything good to say . After coming to that conclusion , she decided that staying quiet was the best decision she could make . She followed people with her eyes , taking in everything . It was quiet as they talked to each other about recent discoveries . She wasn 't part of the information gathering group , but rather a part of the group that took the information and found ways to store it for future use . After all , with as much info as they got , they needed to somehow organize all of it . When there was a pause , she glanced at Natsume , wondering what to do next . After all , she was the vice leader . She needed to be serious about her role . Well , maybe she was sometimes a little too serious . Avery stood up , glancing around the others as she spoke , particularly looking at Suishou , who had come with some quite interesting information . It seemed that Natsume was letting her talk for this round , after all , she was very experienced with taking care of valuable information and how to approach situations like these . She looked Suishou dead in the eye , finally speaking up . " I think that 's a good place to start . We have to figure out more about this supposed " new gang " in the area . It 's clearly an invasion of our territory , so setting them straight would be wise . If the people at your school know something about where they have their nest , Suishou , make sure to get it out of them at all costs . We can 't fool around when people are trying to invade our territory , no matter if they 're " sloppy " or not . When we figure out where they have their headquarters and how large a group we 're talking about , well . . . Natsume will assist you in coming up with a more practical approach to this . " Avery was glad that she was used to holding speeches , that she was used to the feeling of people 's eyes being on her . It made her job as a leader much easier . She didn 't speak with authority , but rather in a way that would encourage people to do what was best for all of them . She didn 't want any group of punks to ruin their reputation as a gang , so it was better to get rid of it while there was still time . While she was good at laying strategies for information gathering , when it came to doing the dirty work , Natsume 's plans , when assisted by the rest , definitely topped . Together , they would be unstoppable . Avery put her hands on her hips , waiting patiently for a few moments to see if anyone wanted to say anything , and then she deemed it alright to sit down again , crossing her legs and arms in a casual manner . She looked relaxed , scarlet eyes gently glancing at everyone in the gang . Soon , they weren 't focused on her anymore and things went back to normal . If they could always stay like this , how wonderful wouldn 't it be . . . she closed her eyes for a few moments , eyelids fluttering . She seemed relaxed , but aware . She was listening to all of the chatter happening around her , amplified now that her eyes could no longer see the world around her . She didn 't really listen to people 's words , rather the sounds of their voices , how the tones , vocals and consonants flowed from their lips . She had always been fascinated by sound like this . It was something magical , if turned into a melody it could move thousands , even millions of people from all over the world . When she opened her eyes again , people were scattering around the hideout , and she decided to head to the kitchen , stepping in to see if anyone was there . She was one of the people in the house that sometimes cooked for the others when they were staying over together , but she wasn 't the only one to set food in the kitchen ( she was one of the people that didn 't burn shit , though ) . When she stepped into the kitchen , she headed for the cabinets and fridge , wondering if there was anything she could cook up for everyone . # 7 Ryder walked off , straight into the garage / workshop he had set up in there . Afterall , on the way to the hideout , his motorcycle was making a rather loud banging noise that as he pulled up , someone in the gang . Of whom he didn 't remember their name , said they thought someone was shooting at the hideout . And seeing as he did not want to have someone ' bust a cap in his ass ' all because they thought he was firing at them . He went over to the table with a multitude of tools on it , taking off his jacket and long sleeved shirt to reveal a black tank top , with two tattoos on both arms . The right arm had this weird tribal looking style that went from his shoulder all the down to his hand , but the tattoo on his left arm was this Cross on the shoulder with even more tribal tattoos below it . The Cross had the letters " R . I . P " underneath it , though whose name was underneath that was unreadable . Setting them aside , he finally took off the motorcycle helmet along with the ski mask underneath . Showing his face , with short brown buzzcut hair on his head with a massive burn scar on the left side of his face , though showing his face only for a second before he put on a welding mask and grabbed a blow torch with a few wrenches and screwdrivers . Before he set off to work on his motorcycle , he turned on his radio and after setting it to the rock music station . " Separate Ways / World 's Apart " by Journey began to play loudly in the garage , though not enough to disturb the other gang members . Upon close inspection , he saw that the muffler was punctured and out of place , though clearly not from weathering or natural decay . It was obvious that someone had done this . And it pissed him off , greatly . But thankfully , it looked fixable , or at least he hoped so , as he went over to a shelf and looked for a muffler that would fit on his motorcycle . Upon finding one , he picked it up and went back to his motorcycle , using a wrench and other tools , he took off the bad muffler and placed in the new one . Upon securing it , he gave one last check over his motorcycle for any other ' sabotaged ' parts . Finding none , he turned on his motorcycle , giving it a rev . Thankfully , the loud banging sound was gone , but it was a tad bit louder than what he wanted . Alas , he 'd have to make do with the cards he 's been dealt . Azalea sat on a light brown recliner , phone in hand as she contacted her resources . However , she kept aware of what was going on around her . After this I need to meet up with Aiko so we can go to the movies . The thought had been in Azalea 's mind since she asked about it this morning . A sigh escaped her pink lips as she lowered her phone . Raising her gaze , Azalea listened to her leader . Azalea had things to talk about , but she had always been the last to speak so she decided she may as well keep it that way . It was silent for a short while , before something tore in the wall . Azalea didn 't need to look at who it was . Following what happened , Remi 's voice arose from the spot the wall had torn . Without turning , Azalea cleared her throat . " I hope you realize you 'll be fixing the wall on your own , Remi . " Azalea said , her voice firm and steady . Ayaka spoke up after Azalea told off Remi , talking about their reputation . Though it 's true that they 're popular , that doesn 't mean no one would threaten them . The next to speak was Ryder , though his response wasn 't helpful in any way and he spoke like a robot . Talk about keeping the act up . Azalea chuckled lightly to herself at the thought , but it ended quickly as Luca spoke . She turned her gaze to him and saw him sitting in Cas ' lap . A smile played on her lips as she looked at the cute couple . Just another thing I won 't have . The thought alone was enough to make her smile vanish and her eyes to become slightly clouded . Her trailing thoughts , however , were cut of when Suishou talked about a ' new gang ' who had decided to invade the Tanaka territory . Just what this town needed . Azalea leaned back in the chair and glanced at her phone . Her eyes widened in surprise at what the message from Leon said . Don 't panic . She told herself as she pocketed her phone . The minute Avery finished her little speech , Azalea stood up , excused herself , then exited the room . She hurried to the front door and was outside in a flash . There , across the street , stood her eldest brother . However , Leon had a Ayaka stiffened slightly at the mention of another gang rising . That couldn 't very well be the old gang from before , could it ? The gang that she used to know . Before the incident , that was . And before she came to know the Tanaka Gang like she did now . From a logical standpoint , that other gang should be none of her concern . After all , she wasn 't part of them . She never was . She was just related to their old leader , and just so happened to be under the care of the new leader . She was never a real part of that other gang back then . Of course , that would change soon , in time . There was no real proof that the . . . other gang , whatever they were called these days ( hopefully not still " the Nojima Gang " or something ) , was indeed this gang that the others were speaking of right now . After all , the old gang she knew hardly ever acted up like this . They had always kept to themselves . Acts like these were things they 'd never resort to . Before Ayaka could get much further in her thoughts , however , Azalea would bring in . . . a strange boy . What the hell ? Where 'd he come from ? This was new . Kidnapping was definitely new . Haru had left the group when Suuishi started talking about the other group in town , since he had already heard about them from the gossip of his classmates , and that he was hungry . People were talking about a gang in town , and everyone thought it was the Tanaka group . Haru didn 't think too much about it though , and eventually forgot about it , failing to mention this to the others . A wave of irritation crashed into Azalea the minute Ayaka spoke . However , Aza took a deep breath and let it out to calm herself . Turning to her fellow gang member , Azalea placed her hands on her hips . " Very funny . But no , you 're wrong . Leon here caught him spying . I 've decided to use him for any useful information he might know of . " Azalea replied , smiling in triumph . However , her smile was gone when she heard a loud crash in the Kitchen . Haru . She thought , sighing softly . " Leon , please go see what happened in the kitchen . You know where it is . " In fact , he knew every inch of this place . Leon came here frequently because of business with Aza . However , he was the only one allowed in out of the others . You never know who you can trust . Azalea watched as her brother left the room , his protection now gone . Doesn 't really matter . I can handle it . She thought as she turned back to the boy . She scanned him and guessed he was around fourteen or fifteen . Not much of an athlete . Probably not strong either . Wait , let 's not go too far . Just look at Cas and Luca . The thought caused her to smile ever so slightly , before it left . Setting her hands on her hips , Azalea leaned her weight on her left side and watched the boy , waiting for the boy to awake . I didn 't out that much into his system . He should awake within five to ten minutes . She thought to herself as she made sure to keep an eye on her surroundings . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Natsume listened to what other members had to say . A few answers were simply nothing , meaning they had nothing to report which was perfectly fine to Natsume . It was better that way anyway because then they didn 't have to deal with anyone trying to butt into their business . However , that didn 't always seem to be the case . She listened as she heard information about some new gang popping up that was trying to leave the blame on hers . She did not like that . She waited until the others spoke , and then nodded . " I don 't like people dishonoring our gang like that . One cannot simply get away with trying to ruin our name as the Tanaka gang . Like Avery said , I want more information on these people and once we find where they are at we can pay a little visit to them and teach them some manners and respect . Anyone else who tries to cause problems for us will be dealt with in the same way " She had finished her lollipop and threw the empty stick away in the trash can that was by her . Usually , it only had finished lollipop sticks and wrappers in it because that was what she always used . With the idea thought out and now having to simply wait on more information to be able to do anything else , Natsume let everyone go off to do what they pleased which didn 't take long . Ryder went off to his bike , Haru and Avery went to the kitchen and Azalea went outside most likely to meet up with her brother who Natsume allowed over since there was a good chance he was going to be joining in the gang anyway . He practically was with the way he showed up . Natsume suddenly stood up from her position of the couch , seeing in seconds that Azalea was bringing someone other than her brother into the house and laying him on the couch . She leaned against the wall and stared down at the drugged boy on the couch . " I see , " Natsume mused ; she was fine with letting the girl handle the little spy . Though , she wanted to stay around to hear any important information . " The rest of you can go do what you please , as for me I will be staying here Remi gave the leader thumbs up when she was told about what the plan was by everyone and what was going on . Finding out information such as that wasn 't really her forte but she would get anything that anyone needed so that they could find out the information . Remi looked over at the wall though when something was mentioned about it . " It isn 't destroyed , " Mad Prism mumbled to herself and went over to it to take the rest of her cloth wall down from it to reveal that the wall was perfectly fine . It was just taped on ; she wasn 't going to go putting anything into the wall because she knew she would have to clean up after it all . She folded up the cloth to save it for later and stuffed it away into her school bag that she had brought since they decided to meet right after school started . When they were dismissed from Natsume and even though something interesting was about to happen now that a sleeping boy showed up , Remi still listened to what she was told . She ran off somewhere , most likely heading for her office where she tended to stay at and wait until someone wanted to ask her to get something . Though she took a pit stop while she was about to go passed the garage door that lead inside . She quickly pushed it open to see Ryder finishing up with his bike and mentioning something about parts . " I can get you whatever you want ! " The strange girl shouted when she suddenly appeared right beside the masked man with a large smile on her face . " Any kind of parts for your bike , " she added in a whisper with her hand up like she was trying to hide what she was saying from invisible people who were staying there with them . No , there was no one else there but she was one strange girl after all . " I 'll be in my office ! " She commented in a slightly sing - song rhythm as she rushed back over to the door to inside , gave Ryder a wave and ran back inside . She went passed the kitchen , seeing Avery and Haru in there . Where everyone was made sense , except that Ayaka and Suishou hadn 't begun to really do whatever they wanted yet . Though , she figured they wouldn 't want to be bothered by her , they could simply come to her if they wanted anything . She secretly knew that she could get on some of the gang members nerves but she couldn 't help it , it was who she was and she hoped that they would at least understand that a bit . Perhaps , they would learn to accept it a bit more and be happy to have her around most of the time . For now , she was left heading to her office which was one of the rooms on the second floor of the house . She made her way up the steps and rounded the corner to get to her office . She opened up the door , revealing a place that had many different objects scattered around the place from artifacts of strangeness to plain odd regular items that she could use if someone needed anything . Aft # 13 " Haru ! Ah geez , what are you doing this time ? " Avery scolded , though seemingly not that serious about it . She sighed as she went over to the fidgeting , frantic boy and helped him clean up the mess . She didn 't want to admit it , but Haru was younger , so she ended up taking a little too much care of him sometimes . She knew that she could write it off as her instinct as a vice leader , but she had to admit to herself that she might feel a sort of familiar bond to him . She felt like she was his bigger sister or something , always helping him out when he was troubled . " Alright , so you were making mac and cheese . Then let 's get this over with . Think there 's still enough so we can make some for the others , too ? " Avery removed her bracelets and put them in her pockets , though she couldn 't do anything about her jet black nails right now . Well , whatever . She put on the apron that was hanging on the wall , getting out the ingredients they needed . Looking over their supply , she nodded with a slight grin on her face as she turned to Haru . " Seems we 've got enough . Wanna help out ? I know you 're trying to do everything on your own , but if we burn the kitchen to the ground , Natsume will get mad . Natsume is scary when she gets mad . " There was something about her , a more gentle side , when she was with Haru , or just alone with someone who acted like this . She enjoyed that she could even act like this in front of others , as it was pretty hard for her to show the more gentle side when she had to be a leader and had to be strong , never wavering in her decisions and always staying true to her words . She could never show a weak side of herself even if it killed her . She knew that , and yet she was happy that Haru could bring out the feelings she didn 't know how to express . Her protective instinct . Her gentle , helpful side . The less rough , more relaxed expression on her face . And thus , her and Haru began cooking mac and cheese together on the stove . Avery took care of the more dangerous things , but also let Haru help out a lot . She didn 't want him to feel like he had failed everything . She wasn 't that much taller than him , so it was weird to feel such a difference between them when they were ( height - wise ) close to equals . She cursed herself for being short . A few inches didn 't feel like a lot when they were standing beside each other like this , playfully chatting and cooking together . It wasn 't the first time she had cooked together with Haru , because , as she said , Haru attempted to do a lot of things on his own , and he also failed a lot of things on his own , so somehow she had grown into the habit of always checking the kitchen when Haru was there , knowing that he might be trying something ( and failing ) once again . It had become a habit for them to end up in the kitchen like this . A little while passed and they were done . Avery pulled off the apron and put it back , taking her bracelets from her pockets as she slid them on , going to the living room where they were taking care of the boy who had appeared earlier . She pointed a sharp - nailed thumb at the kitchen . " There 's mac and cheese on the stove for anyone who 's interested . " Avery went around the house ( not like she had anything better to do ) giving people the message . She found Remi in her office , Ryder in the garage and the rest of the people scattered here and there . When she returned to the kitchen , she took a plate of her own , sitting down at the kitchen table with Haru . The two of them ate in comforting silence and satisfaction at their own handiwork . After all , even after Haru 's first catastrophe ( of sorts ) they still managed to finish cooking . Now she just hoped that someone other than them was going to come eat something . " If we 're the only ones eating this we 're probably going to burst open . " She said sarcastically as she looked at the kitchen door . Ryder jumped when Remi shouted right next to him , but before he could do anything hasty , he calmed down upon seeing who it was . He did give a nod at her comments . Afterall , ' shotgunning ' parts onto vehicles has a tendency to lower the driver 's life expectancy by a large margin . And as he was about to leave the garage , Avery popped up , causing him to jump once more . One of these days , he is going to ' keel over ' from surprises . Infact , he could see the tombstone . " Here lies Ryder Rowe . He died of Jumpscares . Yes , we 're being serious . Dead Serious . : D " The idea of someone making a pun on his grave made him silently groan . If that happened , he 'd make a note to come back to haunt whoever made that pun . But , back to reality . He wasn 't all that hungry , he did grab a bite at a café in the form of a few donuts and whatever drink he grabbed . Though he didn 't want to be rude and not at least have a small bowl of the food . But as he entered the kitchen , his phone began to ring with a tone similar to the MGS Codec call . Looking at Avery and Haru , he pulled out his tape recorder , fast forwarding . Before pressing play . " Sorry . Tut mir Leid . " As he went back into the garage , answering the call . " Hiya Ryder , got some new ' dirt ' for ya . Spotted an unmarked delivery truck making rounds to specific locations . Currently on the highway , right before the Rotunda . " This was one of his sources , Evie . A DJ / Hacker , someone who knew how to get information either physically or via a CPU . Although , he had never seen her face at all , he still trusted her . Afterall , if things went south , it wouldn 't be much to take care of problems . As she hung up , he put his gear back on , he took of the welding mask and replaced it with the motorcycle helmet . Finally , he grabbed a handgun and a few extra clips . Getting on his motorcycle , he pressed a button , causing the garage door to open . Revving his cycle , he sped off . Towards the Rotunda as fast as he could . Haru watched as Avery came over , and started to sigh , as she helped him clean up the mess . . This wasn 't the first time Avery had fixed is mistake . Anytime Haru did something like cooking , or cleaning up , it always ended up with a huge mess . Haru was even beginning to suspect that Avery was always there to clean up with him wasn 't a coincidence . The fact that he couldn 't do something as easy as cooking bothered Haru , which is why he spent a lot of time in the kitchen , even if it always turned disastrous . As Avery offered to help , she mentioned making some for the whole group , and began preparing . Haru looked around , and realized he didn 't have anything to do . Avery seemed to noticed this too , and smiled while saying " Seems we 've got enough . Wanna help out ? I know you 're trying to do everything on your own , but if we burn the kitchen to the ground , Natsume will get mad . Natsume is scary when she gets mad . " Haru nodded , and the two of them worked together to make a decent batch of mac and cheese . When they finished , Avery seemed to go off somewhere , so Haru came over , eyes shining as he looked into the goopy noodle mix in the giant pot that sat on the stove . This was one of the first times that Haru ( with the help of Avery ) had made something that looked edible . Still mesmerized by the cheese , he didn 't notice that Avery had come back into the room . She walked toward him , and Haru moved out of the way as Avery scooped two bowls of mac and cheese , handing one of them to Haru . Avery went to go sit at the table , and Haru figured he should too , to be polite . Suddenly , to break the silence , Avery said " If we 're the only ones eating this we 're probably going to burst open . " Haru suddenly choked on the noodle in his mouth , and tried to surpress a laugh . He knew there wasn 't anything paticularly funny about what she said , but he he couldn 't stop wanting to laugh . He held his mouth to his face , and looked down , cheeks bright red . It was another day , and it was time to get some work done . The kids around her while walking down the street mumbled , talking behind her back , snickering . She thought of this as feeding them , feeding them more gossip , things to talk about , about her . Her red eyes and white hair made her stand out , and her red hair band made it look like a blood streak . She was thinking of maybe dying her hair blonde or black , but just putting in black would make her look like some sort of demon . Though , she had to admit . Black and red looked cool together . Much better than white and red , it made her look like some sort of ghost without even trying . Maybe she could pass off as a child in the need of candy in halloween . ' Oh what are you for halloween little girl ? ' Something like that . Everything else was pretty cold , the only warmth being the can of hot cocoa in her hands which she was slowly taking a sip from . It felt nice , having the heat spread throughout her body . But it was the words being whispered behind her back . Psh , as if she couldn 't hear them . She may look like a ditz and an idiot , but she wasn 't that stupid . She was more worried about her sister , and her brother . They were in that gang place , and she was thinking that maybe she should join soon . In her train of thought , a group of guys bumped into her , causing her to spill her cocoa on one of them . " FUCK . " One of them shouted , either from bumping into her , or from the scorching heat from the hot cocoa . He looked pretty upset , and the group looked like one of those people in some biker gang . The only gang she knew of was the one that her sister was in . A new gang or something ? Oh great . I 'm sorry . " She mumbled , reaching to pick up her can only for the boy to step on it , crunching it under his feet . He started swearing at her , and others kept passing on by as though they didn 't even hear or see anything . They kept yelling , until one of the guys spoke up . " Hey . . . Take a good look at her . Isn 't she pretty hot ? " He asked , and the others took a moment and agreed . Their attitudes suddenly changed , now trying to pick her up . " Heeeey . . . Girly . . We 're part of that Tanaka Gang , you know , those goodie two shoes ? Why don 't you come join us hm ? " He asked . Did he really think she was an idiot ? She wanted to confront him , right there and then , but where was the fun in that hmm ? " Will I see my sister ? " She asked , looking up at them . They nodded , some of them trying to think of what her sister would look like " Er . . Yeah ! Hell , she 's already there ! Come on . . " Okay , Telsa had seen many gangs in the past , but really now . This must be the most dumbest group she 's met so far . Since she didn 't want to mess with these guys anymore , she turned around to leave . One of the guys quickly grabbed her arm , gripping onto it pretty tightly . " H - Hey ! Let go ! " She shouted . . . But nobody came . All the other people who walked by were snickering , muttering , giggling . It was hell , she had tasted a good bit of hell in that moment . The feeling of hopelessness , the feeling of loneliness . " If you don 't wanna get hurt , you should come with us . " " Are you an idiot ? " Out of the blue , the girl pulled a small dagger from the sleeve of her jacket , stabbing the man 's fist and then attempted to run away . She was easily able to shove her way through a crowd , being such a pipsqueak she was . The group of men came chasing after her , only to lose her half way . It was easy to tell where they were , as they kept swearing . And she continued running until she couldn 't hear the swearing in the distance . Welp . So much for bringing her cookies to the gang house . Looks like she 's going home . Attached Files : Quentin Connels Quentin had listened to what Natsume had had to say with a careful ear . He had never been the best information gatherer , and frankly he only tried this when it was really needed . Their were plenty of others in the gang who were much better at it than he was , so he figured he 'd leave it to the professionals . The thought of a new rival gang , and a potentially dangerous one at that , excited and intrigued him . On one level he figured they could make for the action he had been craving , as his only talent was his brain . It was true , he couldn 't get the ' hook ups ' or gather information in the way that his fellow gang members could , but what he could do was see things other people couldn 't . No , it wasn 't ghosts or anything supernatural like that , his talent revolved around architecture and strategy . He had always been fascinated with architecture as a child , and his obsession had only led to research , and that had only led to a great knowledge of buildings . This came in handy whenever the gang needed a way into some place without tripping any alarms , especially if they couldn 't disable them . All he had to do was analyze the layout and determine the best entry location , and occasionally it wasn 't through a hole that was already there . However ; that talent was virtually not needed if they weren 't breaking into anything major , and so he usually ended up not contributing much to what they did . He wasn 't particularly ignorant to the topics they discussed , but he tended to stay on the quiet side of speech . One who had just met Quen might mistakenly take him for one of those kids who were dark and quiet because of some horrible back story , but this wasn 't the story at all for him . Unless you counted parents who didn 't love him and a brother he despised , nothing bad had really happened to him . Sure , some might see that as pretty bad , but after joining the gang he had more or less forgotten about his family . That didn 't mean that his noisy little brother had forgotten about him , though , and every chance he got he would try to worm his way into the gang . Alexander was quite a pain to him , and not just on a brotherly level . Quen is a very insecure person , and that mixed with the slight paranoia he had made for quite a bad concoction . He was constantly anxious that his brother was trying to push him out of the gang and push his own wayStep6543 , But no matter . If the boy was out cold at the moment , then she may as well grab a bite to eat while she waited for him to wake up . A spy wasn 't anything unusual . After all , with a gang as powerful as the Tanaka Gang , it should be expected that some people would try to eavesdrop , like they 'd want to try to get the drop on the gang or something . Avery very obviously wanted to say something , and as soon as she was about to open her mouth , Ayaka came in to get some mac and cheese . Haru sighed inaudibly . Ayaka had unintentionally saved Haru whatever Avery was going to say , if only for a few minutes . Ayaka looked over at him , tilting her head as if trying to understand what Haru was getting at . Everyone knew that Haru 's silence wasn 't due to shyness , but that he just couldn 't be bothered with it . That meant when he did talk , it was usually important to him . His eyes shone expectantly , waiting for an answer . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . 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Robby has been really struggling . He 's always kind of struggled with physical intimacy , but recently it 's gotten pretty severe . He started getting help for sexual compulsions ( masturbating ) and had been seeing his regular therapist , but he 's just continued to struggle . And now he 's putting things together . I always knew that his first time having sex was sort of an accident . From what he had told me before , he and his girlfriend ( whom we title " It " ) were naked and humping and he just kind of ' fell into ' her . I had always assumed it was one of those " mistake but not a mistake " on both of their parts , but last weekend I found out otherwise . He had never wanted to have sex with her . He 'd planned on remaining a virgin until he got married , but she took that choice away from him . After they 'd had sex , he felt that since he went to that level of intimacy with her , he had to stay with her . So he did for a while , but he never felt comfotable having sex with her . She would pressure him , and demand sex of him . Yesterday , he told me that his first time she was on top and he doesn 't completely believe it was an accident that they had sex . He thinks she did it on purpose . She raped him . It 's just so awful to write that . He said that alcohol was involved and that every time he had sex with her , alcohol was involved again . I don 't know if he was getting drunk and she was taking advantage of him , or if he was getting drunk to try and numb himself from what he knew was happening . I don 't know that he even knows . And his one night stand with her , I always thought it was lust - and passion - fueled , but it wasn 't . He was drunk and she threw herself at him . He wanted to get out of the car , but she held him down . Oh God , she held him down . It 's not right . It took him until this last week to realize what they had done to him . It took until he read this article to understand . He always thought he was ' weird ' for not liking sex . He thought he was supposed to ' be a guy ' and enjoy any sex , no matter what . But it wasn 't sex , it was rape . Oh God , why did it have to happen to him . He doesn 't deserve this , no one deserves this . And I 'm so scared for him . He 's starting therapy with Lori to address this stuff , and I know how hard that is going to be . I 've been there . And I wish he didn 't have to go through it . I know that it will help him in the end , but I know the pain he is about to start feeling , and as broken as he feels right now , it 's nowhere near as broken as he will feel soon . And part of me is worried about really inconsequential things in the grand scheme of things . How is he going to get through therapy and work at the same time ? If he can 't handle both and he has to quit his job , how will we pay our bills ? If he has to quit his job , like I did , will it destroy him ? Make him feel as damaged as I felt ? How will he re - enter the job market if all that happens ? I had a built in excuse of TTC , but I don 't know how it will work for him . And one of the worst things , is that he doesn 't feel like he has anyone to talk to . He doesn 't think his dad will understand , and I agree . And he already has such deep issues with his mom , that talking to her would just make things worse . He can talk to my parents , I know they 'll understand . But it 's just not the same and having your own mom and dad to lean on . And he deserves to have that . To have parents who love him and appreciate him and will be there for him , even if they don 't understand . I want that for him so badly . I want him to not hurt . I want him to know he is taken care of . But I don 't know how to be there for him . Because I 've been where he is , where nothing feels safe , even the people who are supposed to . And he couldn 't fix things for me , couldn 't really do anything for me , because in a way I was scared of him too . And now he 's scared of me . I know logically that it 's bleed over from his trauma , but I feel so helpless . I want more than anything to take this pain from him , but I can 't . And it wrenches my heart to know that there were plenty of times when I pressured him for sex . I didn 't understand why he was rejecting me , all I felt was the rejection . All I felt was that I wasn 't good enough . And I really hate the fact that I was pressuring him . I pray that he never felt that I was abusing him , because I never meant to . He said the only times he ever felt ' forced ' were after we lost Jamie and were TTC , and I completely understand . To be honest , I felt forced too . I know things will get better . I know we will make it through this . It was bad enough that I was sexually abused . I got used to a part of my identity being an abuse survivor . I learned how to live with it . And now he 's having to learn to deal with it , when no one should ever have to learn this . It was okay that I was broken in this way , but it 's not okay that he is too . A co - worker of mine is pregnant . They got married at the end of August and the baby is due at the beginning of June . I don 't have a problem with that . What I do have a problem with , is this : the whole summer when she was planning her wedding , she kept venting to me and saying she wasn 't sure why she was going through with it . That she wasn 't even sure she wanted to marry him . She was angry and frustrated and questioning their relationship . And now she has been saying that she is regretting getting pregnant so quickly . That she wishes that she would have planned better , that she should have thought things through . I hate the fact that she is pregnant already , but I hate even more that she is regretting having the baby . And I doubt that she actually regrets the baby , because she 's talked about being a mom for a while . I just feel like she 's rushed into this , which she admits , and is just setting up the baby for a rough life . After losing Jamie , it just hurts so much to watch this unfold every day at work . To see someone regret the child growing inside them . Because it 's something we would not regret . She gets pregnant super easily and is now bringing a baby into an unsteady relationship , and Rob and I want a baby more than we can say and we have very little chance of having a baby . It just sucks . It makes me want to walk up to her and slap her for being so ungrateful . For not cherishing that little life inside of her . I would give almost anything to have Jamie back again , or to have another child , and she is complaining . It makes me feel twisted and dark inside . Like I 'm filling up with bitterness . And I know I should pray for her , for her situation to improve , and I am trying . I really am trying . Because I do want her to be happy , and I want so badly for that baby to have a good life , but I am so angry . I am so hurt . And oh Lord , I am so bitter . I published my piece How It 's Supposed To Be on Facebook yesterday , both as a note on my page , and to a group I belong to called M . E . N . D . ( Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death ) ( their FB page is here ) . Most people were extremely supportive , and just said things along the line of " I 'm thinking of you " which is wonderful . But my mother wrote this : Now I don 't know if I 'm reading too much into this , but her response kind of rubbed me the wrong way . You don 't tell someone who is mourning their child that you hope someday they have another child . That 's like saying " You 'll find someone new " to a person going through a divorce . You don 't want someone new , you don 't want a new child , you want the one you lost . Yes , Rob and I do want to adopt a child some day , but that in no way diminishes the pain we are feeling now . And it will in no way take away the pain we will feel for the rest of our lives . The pain of losing Jamie . No child can replace another , and it offends me that she even suggested that . That someday , by having a baby in our arms , our hearts will be healed . Because that 's not how it works . Jamie will still be gone , and we will still miss our baby . We will be overjoyed at this new little life , but that love makes a new piece of your heart grow , it does not refill the piece that is taken when your child dies . There were several times in my life when I told myself that I was going to get over the abuse . That from this moment on , it wasn 't going to affect me any more . One of those times was back in 2007 . We had just adopted my first little sister and I was laying in bed and I wrote this poem . I told myself that this was it , I was going to be okay . It didn 't work , but to this day this poem is still one of my favorite pieces . I start EMDR therapy in 3 days , and I am getting really scared . I know that in the end it is the best thing to do , but reliving all of this is going to be awful , and I 'm scared . I 'm trying to be brave , but every time I remember what I am getting ready to face , I feel like I am six years old again . Rob and I talked and he held me while I cried . He told me how proud he is of me and that he is here for me . And I feel a little better . Someone commented on my post from the other day and told me a little bit about what they went through that led them to EMDR therapy , and I realized that I have never really shared my story with you , the reader . So here it is . I don 't remember everything that happened . I don 't know if it went on for days or months , or what time of year it was . This is what I do remember : I started 1st grade in 1993 at Butlerville Elementary and my teacher was Mrs . Beel . She was pregnant , so most of the year - at least it seemed like most of the year to a six year old - we had substitute teachers . My class was small , maybe fifteen of us , and between church and kindergarten I knew almost everyone . I don 't know if I knew Matt from before or if I met him in first grade . Back then I was the popular girl . I was a gymnast - had been since I was 2 years old - and was very outgoing , athletic , and pretty . I was a happy little kid . When I was in kindergarten I had a ' boyfriend ' named Nathan , and at our school 's skating night at the local roller rink he won a bracelet for me . It was made of three little gold hearts joined together and I loved that bracelet more than anything . I was so smitten with the idea of being someone 's girlfriend , and to me , that bracelet was a symbol to the world that I belonged to someone . That someone loved me . It just seemed like the thing to do , so we started dating . He held my hand . He bought me a gold necklace with a little red heart that I wore every day . He was my man . I remember sitting in class and he would pretend to shoot all the other kids so we could be alone . I wanted so badly to be grown up . I was fascinated by this popularity I was experiencing and wanted to live in that world forever . I went to gymnastics , played with my friends , and was Matt 's girlfriend . I thought I had the world . I remember being so unbelievably happy . It started slowly . He would sit next to me at the little table in class when our teacher would read us stories and we would do our work . He used to put his hand on my thigh , and to be honest I liked it . It made me feel special . Over time , his hand crept higher . It went up my leg , under my shorts , and inside my panties . It felt nice . I felt shivery and special . This was something new for me . Eventually his hands ended up inside my shirt too . He would have me lean forward and put his hand through the sleeve of my t - shirt in order to touch and rub my chest . There were days when I got tired of him touching me ; I wanted to learn but what he was doing was distracting . I remember one time I wouldn 't lean forward so he could put his hand in my shirt and he got really mad at me . He told me that this is what boyfriends and girlfriends do . He told me I had to let him . And I did . I don 't know how long it went on , but I do remember that I started trying to avoid him . Him touching me started making me nervous , and him getting mad and telling me that I had to let him scared me . I started trying to sit across the table from him instead of right next to him . But all my friends said we looked so cute together and I always ended up right next to him . Right where I didn 't want to be . I remember being scared . There is a home movie of me in my leotard and tights showing off for the camera how I could take my tights off without removing my leotard . In the background you can hear my dad saying how he should show this video to Matt . To this day I can hear the fear in my voice when I tell my dad no . I was six years old and I was fighting a battle no one should have to face . I was trying so hard to be the perfect , popular girlfriend and yet my every instinct was telling me to run . Like I said , I don 't know how long this went on . I have all these memories but it isn 't one coherent memory , more like flashes . I do know that I started getting mad at him for getting mad at me all the time . It seemed like no matter what I did , or let him do , it was never enough . So I started doing things to purposefully annoy him , hoping that he wouldn 't want to spend time with me . I remember one night my dad and I were at the elementary school after hours for a parent teacher conference and he was there too with one of his friends . He was listening to a Walk - Man and had his headphones on so when I said something to him he couldn 't hear me . I reached over and pulled the headphone away from his ear , repeated what I had said , and let the headphone snap back in place . The next day at school he told me that I had broken his headphones and I now owed him fifty dollars . When I got home I told my dad what he said to me , crying because I knew I didn 't have the money and because I was so frustrated . I don 't remember how the whole thing got settled , but we never replaced his headphones . After that we just kind of fizzled out . It was a year or two later that I finally realized what had happened . One morning I crawled crying into my mom 's bed and told her what had happened . She asked me some questions and then called the school . I don 't know what she said , but I don 't think I went to school that day . I later found out that he had been forced to go to a day - long therapy appointment . We weren 't in the same class together , but when I walked into my classroom the next day , everything had changed . There was this feeling of hostility and anger focused on me that I didn 't understand . It turned out that he had told everyone what I had said and that I was lying to try and get back at him for breaking up with me in first grade . They all chose him . Every single one of my friends thought I was a liar and from that day on they had nothing to do with me . Only one girl , Brittany , stayed by my side . She didn 't stand up for me , but she didn 't ostracize me . To this day , she is the only person from that class that I still speak to . In one day I lost all of my friends . Everyone hated me . I truly believed I was wrong to have said something . So I didn 't say anything else . I learned to be okay being alone . School became torturous for me . I didn 't have any friends and I had gone from being the most popular kid in class to being an outcast freak . I started to turn inside myself . I thought that if I didn 't look like I used to then no one would ever do that to me again . I thought that if I made myself invisible then no one would notice me . I thought I needed to change because I had brought that on myself . So I changed . I became quieter , I kept eating , and I tried to quit caring . I went to school where I said nothing , and I came home where I sat in front of the T . V . and ate cereal from the box . I started gaining weight . I no longer had a gymnast 's body and I was okay with it . I started trying to hide inside myself . I suppose that as a kid I couldn 't handle what had happened , so I tried to cope as best as I could . And so I ate . I remember coming home from school and instead of playing with the dogs or going outside I would sit in front of the tv for hours . Just sit there and eat . Cereal mostly . There would be times when I would sit down with a brand new box of Cheerios and when I got up it would be empty . I hadn 't even realized I was eating . All I knew was that I was safe . I could hide in the show , in the reality that wasn 't my own , and for a few hours I would feel safe . But in my little bubble something would always break through - my mom telling me to stop eating , my dad trying to get me to go outside , or even my sister just wanting to change the channel . And every time that happened I lost the tiny piece of safety I had clung to . It was like being abruptly woken up . Almost like I was in a deep sleep and someone shook me awake , back to the reality I was trying so hard to escape . But I could never escape . I never stopped trying . I kept eating , kept gaining weight . I thought that if I didn 't look like I did , didn 't look like a girl , then no one would ever do that to me again . I thought something about myself had made me be a target , that I had somehow brought the situation on myself . And so I just kept eating . Food became my one safe thing in the world . My entire world had been taken from me , and food was the one thing I had control over was my food . Eating made me happy . Well , not happy , but I actually felt something when I ate . The rest of the time there was nothing . It was almost like I felt this void inside of me and I thought that if I ate enough then I could fill that void . That I would get better . But I didn 't . Now , instead of being invisible , I was a target . Kids at school who had been my friends only a few years ago now teased me . I was the proverbial fat kid . That became who I was . I wasn 't Laura . I was Fat . And to a certain extent I was glad for the change . I could hide behind that label , hide within my own skin . I sort of felt safe . If they started treating me as Fat , could I become Invisible ? And I tried . I started dressing very androgynously and I cut my hair short . I remember there were days I wouldn 't brush my hair and would purposefully wear loose clothing so I could hide behind this new front I was making . I got very good at hiding . With the added weight and the change in my appearance I morphed further into an almost faceless kid . I wasn 't invisible , but I was unrecognizable . By the time fifth grade rolled around it was nearly impossible to tell that I was a girl . I remember walking into the women 's bathroom at the local library right as a little girl and her mom walked out . As I passed them , the little girl said to her mom " Mommy , is that a boy or a girl ? " I felt proud . I had done it . I had successfully hidden inside my own skin . I wasn 't happy , but I felt safe . After I told my mom what had happened I was never placed in the same class as him again . At least , not until fifth grade . My elementary school was very small but the number of students had started to grow . When I was in fifth grade we no longer had enough room to divide each grade into two classes . My fifth grade class consisted of thirty students : all of the fifth graders , including him . I managed to make it most of the year unscathed . There were a few times he managed to torture me , but overall he wasn 't a big problem . My teacher , on the other hand , was and so my parents ended up switching me to Morrow Elementary to get away from him . Morrow was another elementary school in the district , but at that school I didn 't know anyone . My teacher was amazing . He was kind and understanding of the scared fat girl and I started feeling at home in his class . I made friends and actually had a good year . Sixth grade started and I stayed at Morrow Elementary . I was so excited to be with my new friends and enjoy my year . For the first time since second grade , I was happy to go back to school . But the school year brought about some changes that I hadn 't expected . I no longer had my kind Mr . Perkins for a teacher . Ms . Hill was my teacher for sixth grade and she was as far from Mr . Perkins as one could get . She unbelievably strict , condescending , and unkind toward us as a teacher could be without getting fired . I starting getting quiet again and there became fewer and fewer times I was happy at school . Looking back now I most likely over reacted to the situation , but I was gun - shy and just wanted to protect myself . My favorite time of the week was when I got to leave Ms . Hill 's class room for a day and take a bus with some other kids to Maineville Elementary ( the third elementary school in the district ) . That one day a week was reserved for the academically talented program ( ATP ) . We got to learn algebra , do projects , and learn things just for the fun of it . Unfortunately , the kids from Butlerville Elementary were there too . Seeing them once a week wasn 't nearly as bad as being around them all the time , so I still loved ATP with Mrs . Cusick . In junior high all of the elementary schools came together into one big school . Having students from all three schools thrown together was chaotic , but the Butlerville students were diluted enough that it wasn 't too big of a problem . Don 't get me wrong , junior high sucked for the quiet nerdy fat girl , but it was the normal level of sucking , and I did make some amazing friends . High school was more of the same , but I started coming into my own . I joined the marching band and got closer to my friends . I was happy again and I finally stopped gaining weight . The entire time I only had one class with him . The last day of high school came and I was over the moon . I had been accepted to my dream school and I was finally leaving this place that had been so hard for me to get through . All of the seniors were gathered in the auditorium and we were told to split into groups according to what elementary school we went to . Well , I went to two of them , so the teacher told me to sit with the one that I had gone to the longest . That meant Butlerville , and so I warily sat with all the people I so desperately wanted to leave behind . When I came over to the group and sat down in the back , several classmates turned to me started saying how I shouldn 't sit with them because I had abandoned Butlerville and I wasn 't a true Butlerville student like they were . I was amazed and so hurt . I had a friend in college who I had a huge crush on , Andres . He was from my hometown and pretty much my only friend at the time because I hadn 't adjusted to life at college . I had actually met him in high school because I was tutoring a student who had moved from El Salvador and didn 't speak any English , and he and the student were friends . I didn 't know that we lived in the same small town though , until I saw him at the local 4th of July parade . We said hi and went our separate ways and didn 't run into each other until a few months later at my old high school . I had stopped by to do a presentation to try and recruit students to my college and on my way out I ran into Andres . We talked for a few minutes and he asked what I was doing in town . I told him about the presentation and that I was home for the weekend and that I was headed to get the oil changed in my truck . He said that his step dad owned a shop in our hometown and that if I stopped by after school was over he would change it for 20 $ . He gave me his number and directions to the garage and I went home . That afternoon I went to the garage and we talked while he changed my oil . I don 't really remember what we talked about . We joked , we flirted , we talked about teachers we had in common . Then he invited me to a movie . Sometimes when I am scared , I feel like my body has become frozen . Not so much in that I can 't move , but that I feel very very cold . Like jumping into a pool after sitting in a hot tub . This was one of those times . I wasn 't sure if it was a date , but I was having fun getting to know this guy so I said yes . We agreed to meet at the theater later that night . I went home and told my parents and my mom asked me if it was a date and I told her I didn 't know , because I didn 't , but part of me wanted it to be a date . After the movie we went and got ice cream and sat and talked for a while . He was very flirty and I remember feeling swept away . Not in a romantic way , or even a good way , but just a ' this is all so new ' way . We became friends . We texted , we talked , we IMed . I developed a really big crush on him . Now I realize I didn 't have a crush on him , on his personality , I had a crush on what he represented - a guy who didn 't prejudge me . Thinking back , I notice that as a teenager , pretty much anytime a guy would actually take the time to get to know me as opposed to labeling , ridiculing , or picking on me , I would develop a crush on them . Eventually we talked about the fact that I had a crush on him . That was one of those ' this isn 't going to be good ' situations . He said he was glad to have a true friend and didn 't want to spoil that , and that he thought I didn 't really like him , it was just an infatuation . He was completely right , but at the time I was so upset . Eventually we got past it though . One day he told me that he was in the country illegally . He said that his mom and dad moved to the US and were getting their visas , but his dad cheated on his mom and he left her and went back to Ecuador . He didn 't tell her that when he left , he canceled their visas . When his mom found out , she married her boyfriend , who was also her ex - husbands former best friend . But Andres was over 18 , so he wasn 't covered by his mom 's marriage . His mom was married when I met him , so I have no idea how long he knew before he told me . He tried to come up with ways to stay , but ultimately couldn 't come up with a way . Except for one . He sent me a text saying that the only option he had left was to marry a US citizen and he was wondering if I would do it . ( Lamest proposal ever , plus the ' this is not good ' situations ) I remember walking down the sidewalk at our house and reading the text , and about halfway through it thinking " oh please , do not ask me this " . I stopped walking and my mom asked me what was going on , and I told her Andres asked me to marry him . I don 't remember what I texted back . I think it was something like " please do not ask me this " , but the basic gist was ' no ' . I thought about it that day and I came to the conclusion that if he was asking me then he must truly be out of options , and if it had been me facing deportation then I would have wanted him to help me . When I told him that , he said no , that he should never have asked me in the first place , that it wasn 't fair of him to put that on me . He ended up moving to Miami to live with his cousins because it was easier for him to work off the books there . Eventually he was deported back to Colombia ( where he was born ) , but got permission to move to Ecuador to live with his dad . Obviously , living on different continents made it more difficult to keep in touch , but we bought international phone cards and talked online to keep our friendship going . There would be weeks where I didn 't hear from him . Sometimes months . I would send him a message every few days at first , then every few weeks . Then we only talked when he would get a hold of me . I understood that he was working , but it really bothered me that he couldn 't take 2 minutes out of his day to say " hi , I 'm working , can 't talk " . If I was having a problem or needed my friend , he was never there . I thought that it was my fault . I thought that if I had been a better friend , if I had married him , then our friendship wouldn 't have been suffering . A few months before Rob and I started dating I actually looked into the legal aspects of a fiancee visa , but ultimately realized it wasn 't the right thing to do . On the other hand , if he was going through something , then he would get a hold of me to talk . He talked to me when he needed help translating a purchase order . He talked to me when he was having an affair with his married neighbor . He jokingly told me a few times that he was coming back , or that he was already back . He told me about all the drinking and sleeping around he did . When my grandpa was dying from cancer he didn 't return my messages . He didn 't tell me when he was in the hospital . I sent him a message and his friend answered it , telling me Andres couldn 't talk because he was in the hospital . He told me he wasn 't allowed to leave the country ( Ecuador ) for 10 years , but he didn 't tell me he went to Germany on a business trip . When I told him I was engaged to Robby , he told me that I shouldn 't get married . That it was too soon and as my friend he only wanted what was best for me . I told him I was tired of him only being my friend when he needed something , and that he kept lying to me and he knew that lying is a big issue for me . We had talked several times before about how I couldn 't tell when he was lying and that made me not trust him and I was getting tired of it . That was the last time I really talked to him . I don 't know if she is trying to get us to reconnect , or saw me the last time I was in town , but it makes me so nervous . I don 't want to have to deal with this . I thought I had made it perfectly clear that he had lost my trust . Maybe I wasn 't clear , maybe he thinks that enough time has passed . Maybe he has moved back to the US and is asking his mom to try and get a hold of me . Who knows . I will just have to wait and see . I can 't have a career . We lost Jamie . Pretty much right after that I lost Robby . He has been distant ever since then , and I desperately want him back , but to be honest , I don 't have him yet . Now we are losing the chance to have a family , and everyone else is getting a family . This is killing me . I really feel like my soul is dying . I hurt so much . All I 've done my whole life is try to be a good person and I keep getting the worst - case - scenarios . What did I do to deserve this much pain ? I don 't understand why God is letting me ( making me ? ) go through this . I need something good . Anything . And Robby has started to slip and that scares me . This morning he slept through his alarm , and tonight he was going to do dinner because I had a meltdown over Melissa 's news , and he decided to order pizza instead of cooking . He ended up changing his mind , but that really scares me . Am I going to lose him next , for good ? I can 't take that . The girlie dr still hasn 't given me my results yet . I thought I would get them Tuesday or Wednesday but I 'm not going to get them until tomorrow . To be honest , I kind of doubt that I will get them then . I want more than anything to be pregnant . To have one good thing in my life . But I 'm sure that it will be negative . And I don 't know how I will handle hearing that , especially given that we aren 't trying any more . I want to try , I want a family , but Robby and I just are not there . I can 't even imagine kissing him , let alone having sex . And that means that we won 't get to have a family for years , if ever . I keep holding out hope that maybe this time we got our miracle . But I have been hurt / burned / disappointed so many times that I honestly have no confidence that this time our miracle will happen . Now one of my best friends is pregnant . She and her husband ( Bob ) have two kids and they weren 't even trying and now they get to have another baby . Melissa gets to be pregnant and I don 't . We have been trying for so long and have been going through so much . She was so sweet about how she told me . She was so upset . She said that the first thing she thought after " How am I going to tell Bob " was " How am I going to tell Laura " . She has been one of my rocks through everything this past year , and now she is unwillingly a source of pain . She kept apologizing . I don 't want her to be sad that she gets the miracle of having a baby . I just want that same miracle . She said she wanted me to be one of the first to hear and that she wanted me to hear it from her , not by some other means . She said she knew how hurt I was when I found out about Beth 's pregnancy . The other reason she said she wanted to confide in me was because if things don 't turn out and she loses the baby she knew I would be good support . And I will . I will be there for her during the pregnancy , and I will be there for her if she loses the baby . She pointed out that she is 37 , so there isn 't a great chance for the baby , especially since she has miscarried before , but she said that the further along she has gotten the more she believes that it 's going to stick . I do not want her to lose her baby . She is an amazing mother . But it 's just not fair that I don 't get to be a mother . Things between me and Rob are not good . We 've been having issues for a while about me feeling like I can 't depend on him . Like he 's not really invested in this relationship . Stuff with the fertility brings every other issue to the forefront , probably because it is such a trying time , and our relationship is really suffering . For a long time Rob has struggled with addictions . First alcohol , then tobacco , and finally pornography . I told him over and over how what he was going was hurting me and he always said he was going to stop , going to change , but he never did . About a year and a half ago I caught him after we had had an argument about money looking at porn . That was kind of the last straw . I told him I couldn 't handle it anymore and he needed to make a change . I told him I was tired of telling him over and over that he was hurting me and him not doing anything about it . I told him that if it happened again I couldn 't guarantee I would stick around . He started talking to our therapist about it and attended Sex Addicts Anonymous online . For a while things were good . Then last fall he started slipping . Not with the porn , but with saying he would do one thing and then either doing another or not doing it at all . Again , I told him over and over that what he was doing was hurting me , and a big part of that was that I felt I couldn 't trust what he was telling me . We had fights over it and he would say he would do better but he never did . I told repeatedly that I wanted us to fix this before we got to a breaking point , like what happened with the porn addiction . He would do a little better for a week or two but then we 'd end up right where we were : him not being true to his word and me getting hurt . It 's gotten steadily worse the last few months . I knew he had been struggling with school and not liking his job and I tried to help . I suggested he look for other jobs , hang out with friends , anything to make him happy . And I thought that if I could take care of him then he would be happy . So I started essentially baby - ing him . I did everything . All the chores , all the work . I took him to his dr appointments , I did things for him because he ' didn 't feel like it ' . Now i realize I was just enabling him . We talked yesterday and I said that I felt like I was the only one giving in this relationship . That I felt like I was pouring love into him and he was taking everything and giving nothing back . I told him I didn 't feel loved . He admitted that he hasn 't been dealing with things he needs to , and that he had been taking advantage of my love . When I asked " if you know then why are you doing it " all he said was " i don 't know " . I told him he needs to figure it out . I had an appointment with Sheila yesterday and I told her everything that was going on . She knew that this had been an issue before and how much this exact situation has hurt me in the past . I basically reached a breaking point and wasn 't feeling PTSD safe ( things trigger my PTSD , like Rob breaking his word over and over until it builds so much that I feel trapped or unsafe and will have PTSD episodes when I 'm in the situation ) and I knew things had to change now . So I 'm staying at hotel for a few nights . I checked in last night and am scheduled to check out Thursday . I told him I can 't keep going through this over and over again . I can 't handle always wondering if the one person I love and trust most in the world is going to hurt me again and again . I told him he needs to make some serious changes , and he needs to do them alone . I 'm not going to hold his hand through this . I 'm not going to give him the answers . I need to know that he is truly thinking about what we need as a couple and is willing to do it . He says that us not being together isn 't even an option for him , that he will do anything to fix this , to make me feel loved and safe . I don 't know if we are going to be okay . I think he understands how much he 's hurt me . We 've both agreed that we want to do whatever it takes to fix us , and I know I mean it but I 'm still not sure if i can trust that he means it . We are done trying to have a family , at least for now . Because of all this drama going on we didn 't try this weekend , so I hope that we can focus on fixing us . I 'd rather have a good loving relationship with him and have no kids than have this relationship with him and have kids . He 's my whole world . I 'm just really struggling . I know i 'm doing the right thing but it is just so hard . I talked to Tory last night and I realized if I keep going through this over and over then eventually there isn 't going to be anything of me left . I just can 't imagine my life without him . I want the Robby who would do anything for me to come back . I want us to be okay . And it terrifies me to know that I can 't control that . God knows , I 've tried to control it . Now it 's up to him to make the changes and show me he really does want to be in this relationship . That he wants to be a partner . I 'm so scared that he will fix this , that he will make me trust him again , depend on him again , open up to him again , and then hurt me again . I told him that the porn addiction blowup was our first crisis , and this is our second , but the thing is I don 't know if we will get through this one , and if we do and there is a 3rd I really don 't think we can recover from that . I 'm sorry I haven 't kept you guys in the loop with all this . As you know , I have a hard time being forthcoming about areas in my life where I 'm struggling . I thought I could fix it , but I 've had to ( am trying to ) accept that I can 't , and that isolating myself and trying to go through this alone was only making it harder for me . So i 'm reaching out to you and mom ( please don 't tell the girls ) and Tory . And please don 't hate Rob . I still love him so much it would kill me to think that you hate him . I don 't need you guys to take sides , or try and fix us ( advice is fine , just please recognize that this isn 't something anyone else can fix ) , I just need you to listen and love and support me , no matter what happens . I 'm praying that we work this out . I know it won 't be easy and it won 't be soon , but I pray that even if it takes years that we end up together and happy . It 's so hard to even think about the idea that even though I don 't want to leave him , in the end it might be what is best for me . I do know that this is part of him and it is something we will always have to deal with . It 's like me and the PTSD . There are times when it gets the best of me but I know he still loves me , just like I still love him when his issues get the best of him . With the PTSD I have learned ways to manage and cope , just like he has learned how to handle / help me when I am having a PTSD episode . The main issue we are trying to overcome is that he hasn 't been willing to learn how to cope and manage his issues . I know if we can get past that , then we can work this out . He has made small commitments , taken small steps before but always backed down as soon as things started to get better between us , so it 's more like taking an advil for chronic migraines . It will help a little at first , but the underlying cause is I needed to talk to someone who knew both me and Rob and would tell me the honest truth , so I sent Tory a message and we talked . It kills me that this might not end happily . I was sobbing as I was typing , and I just don 't know how to handle this . Sheila said that people with severe mental disorders rarely have lasting relationships , and average couples only have a 50 / 50 shot . I had never really considered the possibility that we might not end up together in the end . But it 's a real possibility . Because Tory is right . I can 't keep putting myself through this . There won 't be any of me left yeah . you know we 've been trying to conceive for a while now , and i went through tests and medicine and we got the green light that we had a healthy egg and to try . Rob has had performance anxiety before and he said that he would work on it but he didn 't , and when it came time for us to try he could keep an erection ( sorry for the penis talk ) . He kept saying he was stuck in his head and it was never as good as what he pictured in his head Laura , this isn 't a healthy relationship anymore . you both need to be able to talk to each other . and obviously that isn 't possible . he can 't kee doing this to you . he 's lying to himself and to you . over and over and over agin i know it is . I just hate that I 'm having to go through this . I never thought I would feel like this . I only addressed my issues because I wanted to be with him . Because I knew we were supposed to be together i agree that you should wait to make any kind of decision . you are way too upset to make any kind of definitive decision . What i think you should do is entertain the notion that ending the relationship might be what you need to do for you , so that if it is what you need to do , you are prepared for it . i know i need to accept that this may have to end . it 's just so hard to give up the person i love . To accept the idea that i may never get him back that 's the thing , Laura , marriage isn 't supposed to be easy , but it ISN ' T supposed to hurt like that . the fact that it does should tell you something . And love is definitely supposed to be easy and should never hurt like that i just wish i knew the answer . I could go through this so much easier if i knew we would make it . If i knew that in the end we would work this out it wouldn 't hurt so much now . I hate thinking that i 'm going through all this hurt and pain and it might never get better i want to tell you everything will be alright . but the fact is , it might not get better . i will not tell you what to do , i don 't know what the " right " answer is , but i do know that a relationship with someone who loves you shouldn 't bring you to your knees like this is I had an appointment with my therapist today . I told her everything that happened this weekend . She was appalled . She said I had every right to be mad , that I should be mad . That I can 't let him get away with this . He needs to take responsibility . And he does . He needs to know how much he hurt me . He 's been doing this over and over and he keeps hurting me . I 've told him , and he does it anyways . It 's just like the masturbation thing : I told him over and over how he was hurting me and he didn 't listen . It wasn 't until we reached a breaking point that he changed . And I 've told him that I wanted to work on this , that I didn 't want it to get to the breaking point . I don 't want to live my life without him , but I can 't keep putting myself through this . I don 't want this to turn into an abusive relationship , but I 'm scared that it 's headed that way . Not physically abusive , but emotionally . He 's breaking my heart every time he says he will do something or will change and then doesn 't . I keep getting my hopes up and then my heart gets broken . I am proud that I actually stood up for myself . There have been times before when I wanted to walk away and say that I 've had enough , but I never did it . I was afraid that he would hate me . And I 'm still afraid that he will hate me , but I need to respect myself enough to recognize that our relationship has become toxic . That needs to stop . When I was 6 I respected myself enough to walk away from a relationship that wasn 't doing anything but hurting me . Now I 'm praying that by taking a step back now we can fix our relationship and I won 't need to walk away . Because I truly do love the Robby that I know is in there somewhere , but I can 't keep waiting around and hoping that he will change . He needs to make the change . Because it 's not just going to get better . Earlier today he sent me a text asking if I was mad . I said I was mad at the situation but I hadn 't sorted out how I felt towards him . After my therapy appointment he sent me a text and asked how it went . Below is the message I sent back and the conversation that we had on Facebook . Right now I 'm sitting on the bed at the hotel room , wishing we weren 't going through this . Wishing he was holding me . Wishing that I wanted him to hold me . I don 't want to lose him . I love him . I " m just so tired of being disappointed . Of feeling like if I don 't do something then it 's not going to get done . I feel like everything I do I do for you , and that 's fine , I love you , but I don 't feel like I get anything back . do you actually mean that ? Do you actually have a plan , an idea ? Or are you just saying you will to appease me and then let it slide ? i hope so . You 've said all this before and it never happens . I need to know that you mean what you say , and unfortunately I won 't know that until you actually do something . i moved money from savings . it was 210 $ for 2 nights . I 'm withdrawing 200 $ cash just to have to feel secure and i 'm leaving you the checkbook . I 'm going to take the car too if you do then we will work something out . I think we will still do dinner with grandma and Todd on Thursday , but I 'm going to go down to my folks alone on friday . To be honest , I don 't think you really want to be there and I need some time to decompress , plus I want to see them ok . I think we will continue with the meds as planned but we aren 't trying . If things happen to line up , that 's great , but in all honesty I don 't see us having sex in the foreseeable future . I just don 't think we are at that point in our relationship anymore i 'm taking a laptop with me so we can talk some that way but I don 't think we should be texting all the time . If you have something you want to talk about we can talk , but please don 't talk to me just because you 're bored . I 'm still going to go to choir wednesday I hate this too , I 'm sorry you don 't feel safe with me . I 'll do anything to change that . You are my kumquat and always will be i don 't know . 3 days is Thursday . Dinner with my relatives , then I will go down friday , but i don 't know about thursday night . I guess we will just play it by ear Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
You may have noticed that I 've been a little quiet this week . Steve would tell you that means I 'm thinking on something , probably something I 'm worried about or upset over . He 's right . I 've been dealing with something this week that really knocked me for a loop . I 'm not ready to talk about it yet . To be honest , I may never be ready . For now , I 'm still trying to process it . I did talk to Steve about it initially . He tried to help , which I love him for , but he couldn 't . This is something I need to work out for myself . When his initial attempt to help didn 't work out , he backed off . Way off . I don 't know if he backed off because he wanted to give me space to work things out , he didn 't know what to do or he 'd just given up . Considering I wasn 't even sure what to do , I wasn 't much help . I do know that him backing off like he did was not what was needed at all . Without the structure and security I find when he 's leading , I unraveled fast . Submission flew out the window and thoughts like " Who needs a man anyway ? I can do this by myself . " began to crowd my head . All those layers that I was so proud of shedding came back with reinforcements . This led to a bit of a rebellion on my part where I decided I 'd just do ( or not do ) whatever I wanted . But last night as we were laying in bed , both of us tossing and turning and unable to sleep , I started feeling the distance that had been creeping in . So I peeked out of the thick layers surrounding my heart and started talking a little . It didn 't go well . We both got frustrated and I ended up leaving the room upset . He surprised me by following a minute later . We tried again with pretty much the same result . I left the room in tears saying " Maybe this was a stupid idea . " I crawled back in bed , curled in a ball at the very edge and just cried . When Steve came back to bed , I didn 't even have to turn over to know that he was right on the edge of his side , as far away as he could get and still be in the bed . The space between us in the bed was tiny in comparison to the emotional distance I felt . I cried even harder at that thought . We 've come a long way in growing closer these past few months . I did not want to go back to the way things were before . I wasn 't going to . I was flat out refusing to do it again . About the time I felt the bed shift and his hand on my back , it all came flying out in one huge explosion of anger , hurt and frustration . To be honest , I don 't remember exactly what I said . I was saying whatever came to mind , not filtering anything . Once the words started flowing , I couldn 't stop them , not even to give him a chance to respond , and they kept flowing until finally the well ran dry . Then later once I calmed down , he said he thought he should probably take care of some things . At first , I was a little upset . After all , I 'd just poured my heart out to him and he was talking about a spanking . But once I got over my initial reaction , I realized he was right . He had let me go for several days and he needed to take care of those things so we could put it behind us . More than that , he needed to remind both of us that he was in charge and leading us . It wasn 't really punishment , although it had some elements of it . It was more a reconnect , something to put us back on steadier ground . Afterwards , we snuggled for a bit and then I started to roll over to my stomach , which is how I sleep . Steve stopped me . I was laying on my side up against him so he grabbed the leg that I wasn 't laying on and pulled it over his hip , trapping it between his legs . Then he nuzzled his face right into my chest . We fell asleep that way . Apparently one of us , maybe even both of us , decided to change position in the night . I woke up laying on my other side at the very edge of the bed with him snuggled against my back and his arm wrapped around my hip . As I peeked back over my shoulder and him , I had to smile . We have a king size bed and when we first started the evening , there was a good three feet of space in between us because we were hugging our individual sides . When we woke up , we were snuggled up so tight that all that space was behind Steve . If he had snuggled in any closer , we probably would have both ended up in the floor . As you may recall , I spent last Thursday sitting on a sore bottom . Steve 's sweet , submissive wife had flown out the window the day before and things hadn 't gone well . The day was bad enough but what really cooked my goose was pushing his buttons . Now that he 's enforcing the no disrespect rule , pushing buttons is a big offense . It 's not just disrespect . It 's deliberate disrespect . So I got spanked . Now you would think that after that , I 'd settle down and behave . I did , at least for a few days . I made it all the way to last night before landing myself in hot water . He said something that rubbed me the wrong way and I began composing my button pushing symphony . Needless to say , he didn 't find my symphony as pleasing as I did . A warning was issued and then a second one . I heard both , but I guess I was feeling too secure in the total darkness to worry . A problem with the power lines had knocked out our power and the power to every house around . Even the moon seemed to be hiding . I guess you could say I was too caught up in pushing his buttons to realize I was pushing my own self destruct button . Even when I felt the bed shift and then heard the dresser drawer slide open , I didn 't worry too much . After all , he 's not going to spank me in the dark when he can 't see what he 's doing . No matter how irritated he was . He wouldn 't take a chance on inadvertently injuring me . I was right about that . As soon as the flashlight 's beam lit the room , I started back - pedaling . But it did no good . Not that I really expected it to , but a girl can always hope . He then proceeded to light my backside on fire with the paddle . Every time he would stop and I would think he was done , he 'd just lecture for a minute and then go right back to swatting . The power came during one of the pauses and he dropped the flashlight and said " Good now I can see even better . " and swatted some more . When it was over , I was definitely regretting the button - pushing . After I snuggled in his arms for comfort for a few minutes , we started talking . I told him about the remark that had rubbed me wrong and he apologized for it . I apologized for pushing buttons to irritate him instead of just talking to him . And all was well in our world . 7 . He 's a kid at heart and looks years younger than his real age . Seriously , when we first met and he told me how old he is , I didn 't believe him and made him show his license to prove it . In case you haven 't figured it out yet , I 'm not good with following rules . Since these awards tend to spread like wildfire and I can 't keep up with who has already been nominated , consider yourself nominated by us if you haven 't already been nominated . We look forward to learning more about you . This isn 't the post I originally sat down to write . When I first sat down to write it this morning , I was frustrated . Frustrated at what seemed to be a slide back into inconsistency . Frustrated at what appeared to be a half - hearted effort towards TTWD . Monday slipped by with no role affirmation . I thought he 'd forgot so I dropped a few subtle hints . Apparently they were too subtle because he didn 't get it . I found out later that he did remember , but by the time he did , it was late and I was already half asleep so he decided against doing it that night . Then came Tuesday . Surprisingly , I had a good day . I had asked if I could do whatever chores I wanted rather than him assigning some and he had granted my request with the stipulation that whatever I chose to do couldn 't be something tiny like organizing the sock drawer . I ended up working a little bit on several rooms of the house , then focusing the rest of my time on the laundry / storage room . Aside from a few more loads of laundry waiting to be washed , it 's almost completely done now . But role affirmation didn 't happen that night either . Nor was anything said about it . Again , I found out later that he had thought of it , but decided not to do it since I had done so well that day . Yesterday was not a good day . I woke up snapping and the day went downhill from there . It was clear that I wasn 't myself and later that night my frustration spilled over and I told him how I was feeling . But at that point , it was late and things were put off yet again to be addressed this morning before he left for work . But by the time he got done dropping our daughter off and running a few errands , it was already past the time he should be leaving for work . He said he would try to get to it this morning if he could , then went off to load his truck . I felt the frustration rising because I was sure he would put it off again . It didn 't help that the neighbor came over as he was loading his truck , something I figured would make him late enough to not want to take the time . So I sat down to write this post . To my surprise , he came back in a few minutes later and said " Let 's go . I want to take care of this now so you don 't keep spiraling and get yourself in more trouble . " I followed him to the bedroom where he already had the paddle in hand and was pointing at the bed . I quickly stripped and laid down on my stomach and he began . It was clear that he was feeling a little frustration himself because the swats were a little harder than usual . I was really fighting to stay in position and several times earned myself a couple even harder swats for moving . Then he stopped and I thought he was done so I started to get up , only to be told to stay still because he wasn 't done . Seconds later , I heard an ominous sound , the sound of the top drawer of our other dresser being opened . It 's where the cane is stored since it 's too long for the drawer where the other implements are stored . I 'll admit I tried my darnedest to talk him out of it . I hate the cane . But it did no good . He was determined to get me back on track and wasn 't backing down . I had pushed one too many buttons the day before . It was even harder to stay still with that . Then out of the corner of my eye , I saw the cane hit the bed beside me and I breathed a sigh of relief . At least until the next swat landed and I realized he had grabbed the plastic hanger without me noticing . If you rank our implements on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most hated implement , the cane comes in at 10 and the hanger comes in right behind it at 9 . I was so relieved when I saw it hit the bed a minute later that I almost didn 't mind that he 'd switched back to the paddle . After a flurry of hard swats with it , he laid down beside me and pulled me into his arms . I didn 't get to enjoy snuggling that long , though , because his phone rang and he had to answer it . He did come back after he got off the phone and give me a hug and a kiss , but then he had to run because he was already late . He could have put things off because he was late , but he didn 't . Instead he took the time . And even though I 'm sitting here on a very tender bottom , I 'm grateful that he did because in him making me a priority , he left me feeling loved and important to him . One of my friends came over yesterday and we spent the afternoon catching up while our husbands tinkered with cars and the kids played . She was a little upset with her husband already so she was talking about what was going on . I generally don 't offer advice unless it 's requested so I was mainly letting her talk and asking questions here and there to get the full picture so I 'd be ready if she did ask what I thought . I was really struck by the difference between this conversation and one we 'd had a few months ago . In the other conversation , she had been bragging about him and everything he does for her and the kids . Her love for him really shined through her words then . This time , though , I didn 't really see that love . She talked about this or that that he had done ( or not done in some cases ) to irritate her . She talked about not trusting him . She mentioned thinking about leaving him . I have to admit I understood some of her frustration . After all , I 'd be just as ticked at Steve if he came in from work and stayed up all night playing video games rather than spending time with me and our daughter . It wouldn 't be a big deal if it was just once in a while , but I 'd be upset if it was an every night thing . I also somewhat understand her trust issues with her husband . In a nutshell , he had promised her he wouldn 't do something and then went behind her back to do it anyway . To make things worse , everyone but her knew it . At least she didn 't know until I inadvertently let the cat out of the bed by mentioning something about it assuming she did know . While the thing in question is something I consider rather minor , I can understand her thought process . If he can 't be honest about something small , you have to wonder if he will be honest about something big . She was still upset when she left and Steve and I talked a little about it . Since he works with her husband , he 's heard some complaints and gripes from the husband 's side as well . We both agreed that the best thing my friend and her husband could do would be to quit being passive - aggressive with their frustration and actually sit down and talk about it . Of course it 's easy to say that when we 're looking at the situation from the outside . When it comes to us , this is something we still struggle with at times . I felt a little better after talking to Steve . Even though he didn 't say it , I knew he would probably talk to her husband . It wouldn 't be anything obvious , more like a little advice here and there from someone who 's had a few more year 's experience with marriage . He 's more than a few years older than I am and since some of the couples we 're friend with are closer to my age , he sometimes takes on a role of big brother or trusted uncle with the guys . But something still bothered me about the conversation . It wasn 't until later when we laying in bed watching a movie that it hit me . A year ago , that could have been me . Not the specific problems my friend is dealing with , but the general dissatisfaction with your spouse that leads to you bashing them to friends without remembering their good qualities . Forgetting to show that you still love them despite their faults . A year ago , I probably wouldn 't have saw anything wrong with it . But these past few months have brought a lot of changes to us and I can 't imagine doing that now . I still get upset with Steve at times and will turn to friends offline or here to vent my frustration . But I try to balance the bad with the good , acknowledging the good he does along with my complaints about whatever bonehead thing he did to upset me . Or at least I hope I come across as doing that . If I don 't , please tell me because I don 't want to be the type of woman that is always knocking her husband . I saw this picture on Facebook the other day and it really struck a chord with me so I 'm sharing it here . Posted by I 'm feeling a bit disgruntled today . I was barely awake before a spanking was threatened . It 's not shaping up to be a good day . Yesterday I was feeling good about things . I had did my chores then set out to surprise my husband . I went in and made the bed . It 's not a rule , but I know Steve likes it when I make an effort to make the bed look nice and inviting . My personal philosophy is why make it when you 're just going to mess it back up so I normally only make it when I change the bed linens . Then I tackled a project that he 's been wanting me to do for a while - the laundry room . It 's a big room , running nearly the entire length of the back of our two car garage . Since it is so big , it not only serves as the laundry room , but also as storage . It was a huge mess . I had piles waiting to be repaired , piles waiting to be donated , piles waiting to be washed , piles waiting to be folded and put away and piles of our daughter 's outgrown clothes that needed to be sorted into bins . That was just the laundry side of the mess . Then there was various boxes , bags and miscellaneous items that had been thrown in there for storage without any real thought to organization . So I was a bit less than pleased when Steve told me last night that I hadn 't cleaned our bedroom , which was supposed to be one of my chores . I had honestly forgot about it with everything else I had going on yesterday . When I asked if I was in trouble , he said he was debating about it so I didn 't pester him about it . He did end up letting me off the hook , but since he had said he was tired several times in the meantime , I was left feeling like he did it because he was tired rather than because he thought I really deserved it . I was also left feeling like I had failed him . This has been an ongoing issue with us for a while , even before DD . I would work on something and while he would be happy I did it , he 'd feel like I should have prioritized something else ahead of whatever I had did . I don 't mean to make him seem like a jerk that can 't be pleased because he 's not like that at all . Honestly , what he would say would make perfect sense . For example , organizing the linen closet is nice , but it shouldn 't come before cleaning the living room because people actually see the living room . But it never failed to leave me feeling like a failure because I hadn 't thought of it like that to start with . Then there was this morning . I 've mentioned before that I 'm not a morning person . I 'm especially not a morning person when it 's a morning I have to get up early instead of sleeping in like I usually do . You see Sundays are the one day a week I can usually sleep in past seven . The rest of the week I 'm up with our daughter , either getting her ready for school or watching her so Steve can go to work . For us , Sundays are a day of rest , a day to enjoy time together as a family . Since Steve usually doesn 't work Sundays , he gets up with our daughter and they go out to their Daddy - daughter breakfast so I can sleep in . Then we go to church as a family and spend the rest of the day together playing games or watching movies . If someone calls or comes over , we make an effort to get rid of them as soon as possible . But Steve 's boss is in a hurry for him to finish the job he 's currently on so he called Friday evening and told him he had to work all weekend . As a result , I had to get up early to get Steve 's lunch ready for him and take care of our daughter instead of sleeping in , which left me feeling a bit cranky . So I got threatened with a spanking before I even got out of bed . Then when he was getting dressed , he pulled a shirt out of the dresser and started complaining about how stained it was . He works in construction and sometimes gets crap on his clothes that no amount of bleach or stain remover will bring out . In the case of this particular shirt , I had already washed it twice with bleach and the stain hadn 't budged . The frustration of not getting my family day , the one day I actually look forward to all week , combined with some residual feelings over the night before , led to me snapping that if he didn 't like it , he could do his own damn laundry from now on . You guessed it , very disrespectful , If that wasn 't bad enough , I said it in front of our daughter . That alone was two strikes - disrespect in front of her and cussing in front of her . Since she was right there , he just said " Stop it . " and gave me one of those looks . You know the one I mean . Then a few minutes later , I was told that I had chores for the day . I never have chores on Sunday . Ugh ! We were laying in bed talking . And by talking , I mean Steve was talking and I was listening . Well he called it talking . I called it lecturing . Between hormones and stressing about a financial situation , I was a bit off this week and it was showing in a number of ways so he felt like it was time to nip things in the bud . Everything he was saying made perfect sense . Even I had to agree with him . But I didn 't want to because that meant I was agreeing that I deserved the spanking I was going to get . It didn 't matter that he was right and I did deserve it . I just didn 't want to admit it . When we first started out , Steve was a bit hesitant about laying down the law and standing his ground . The lecture was an area of particular weakness for him . He 'd tell me what I was in trouble for and I 'd immediately start debating about it . I would use my full arsenal of excuses , loopholes and the occasional offer of exotic sexual favors , anything to get out of being spanked . Even though I had asked for all this , I was having a hard time truly letting go of control . As a result , he ended up backing down a lot more than he probably should have . But he 's had a lot of growth these past few months . One area of that growth has been the lecture . Now instead of just listing my infractions , he breaks it down and explains step by step why it 's a problem and needs to be addressed . He 's just so danged reasonable about it that , even though I don 't want to , I find myself agreeing with him . He 's also less likely to back down now . While I have also grown over these past few months and now take more responsibility for my actions instead of making excuses , I still occasionally find myself trying to talk my way out of trouble . He always listens to what I have to say , but if a legitimate reason isn 't forthcoming , he goes forward with what he has planned . And yes I got spanked , although it ended up being delayed by a couple hours after the lecture . Right as I was being sent to collect implements , the doorbell rang so Steve got up to deal with that . It was his boss . He finally got rid of him only to have a neighbor show up . After the neighbor left , Steve realized how late it was getting and said he had to fix something on one of the cars before the daylight was gone . Since it wasn 't supposed to take that long to do , he sent me to the bedroom to wait . It ended up taking a little longer than he anticipated , but that wasn 't necessarily a bad thing . As I laid there across the bed with the implements laid out beside me , I had some time to think and by the time he came in , the lecture he had given earlier had really sunk in . We talked for a minute and then he got down to business . It wasn 't fun , but when are they ever . But now it 's behind us and hopefully I can get my head back where it needs to be so we have smooth sailing ahead . If all fails , our HoHs could always do this next one . I have to admit that it might work for me . If I didn 't know how fast I was going once I crossed into the blocked out area , I might not be willing to chance it . By much anyway . Maybe I should just hang a mini hairbrush from my rear view mirror . Just drill a hole in the handle and run a piece of cord through it . To a vanilla person , it just looks like I 'm prepared for any hair emergency . For anyone in a DD relationship , it 's a strong reminder . Of course then you have to worry that your HoH might use it on you if you start acting up while traveling . Maybe I should design a special car for us ladies . I envision it automatically sensing the speed limit and should the speedometer go more than 5 past the speed limit , a recording of our HoH 's voice will play reminding us to " Slow down or else ! " Maybe the seat warmer will automatically turn on as well , bringing warmth to our bottoms , a clear indication of what we can expect for speeding . Yesterday I was on my way to pick up my daughter from school . I was cruising along listening to the radio and thinking . I was speeding , but I wasn 't too worried about getting pulled over because the cops are normally sitting at the other end of the road and I know to slow down as I get close to that point . This big SUV had been riding my bumper for a couple minutes , which was annoying me because the roads were still a bit slick from all the rain we 've had lately and I didn 't want to get rear - ended if I had to stop quickly . There wasn 't really room to move over into the other lane so I stayed in my lane cruising along at the same speed . Then I looked up in my mirror again and saw a sight that nearly stopped my heart . My first thought was " Oh crap I 'm going to get a ticket for speeding . " That thought was immediately followed by wondering how we were going to pay the ticket when we 're dead broke right now . Then my thoughts moved to the effect of a ticket on our car insurance premium . But it was the last thought that really filled me with dread . I realized that I was going to have to tell Steve and he was NOT going to be happy about it . And by not happy , I mean I probably wasn 't going to feel comfortable sitting for a couple days . You see I used to be a bit of a speed demon . Having to pay a very expensive ticket and nearly losing my license over speeding in my teens slowed me down for a while , but by the time Steve and I got married , my lead food had returned and it was only through dumb luck that I hadn 't got caught speeding again . So he told me if I got a ticket , he was taking my keys until he felt I could be responsible enough to travel at a safe speed , or at least one that wouldn 't get me a ticket . Looking back , I see he had HoH tendencies even then . Shortly after we started DD , I nearly got pulled over for speeding . I wasn 't paying attention when the speed limit dropped and I went by a cop running about 13 over the speed limit . Around here , you can go five or six over the limit without a problem . Anything more and you get pulled over . Thankfully , right after the cop pulled onto the road to come after me , another car blew by both of us going even faster than I was and the cop decided to go after that car rather than mine . When I mentioned it to Steve , he said since taking my keys wasn 't really an option anymore with us having a kid that needs to be taken to and from school , I could expect one heck of a spanking if I got a ticket for speeding . Anyway , after seeing that heart - dropping sight in my mirror , I carefully merged into the right lane in preparation for pulling over at the next spot I could do so safely . Meanwhile I was praying desperately that the officer would take into account that I haven 't had a ticket for anything in years and let me off with just a warning . . I would still have to tell Steve and would probably still be in trouble , but it wouldn 't be as bad as if I 'd got an actual ticket . I was a little confused when the cop didn 't immediately follow me to the right lane . Then I breathed a sigh of relief when he flipped his lights off and kept going up the road . I don 't know if he was warning me about my speed , just wanted me out of his way or got a more important call at that very moment , but he didn 't pull me over . I have to admit I debated about whether or not to tell Steve . After all , I didn 't really get pulled over and I didn 't get a warning or a ticket . I was alone in the car when it happened and barring someone we both know seeing it happen and telling him about it , he would never find out . But even though he would probably never find out , it would bother me . To not tell him flies in the face of the honesty and trust our relationship is based on . I just couldn 't do that to him , to us . I wasn 't quite sure how he 'd react . He 'd had a bit of a rough day and was aggravated when he got home so I held off on telling him right away . When we went to bed , he talked a little more about his day , but he was calmer so I kind of led into it by saying " Well it could have been worse . You could have got blue - lighted like I did . " He was quiet for a minute before asking why so I told him I had been speeding . Then he asked how fast I was going . Finally he asked if I got a ticket . Since he was already turning towards the drawer where we keep the implements , I was quick to assure him that I hadn 't . He settled back down after hearing that and I told him the whole story . I didn 't get in trouble . Since the cop never actually pulled me over , there 's no way to be sure whether he flipped on his lights because I was speeding or for some other reason . He did , however , remind me in explicit detail of what I could expect if I do get a ticket . I was feeling a little off yesterday . It could have been because of the dreary weather we 've had lately . It could have been that I was hormonal from a certain aspect of womanhood . It may have even been some lingering tension from the weekend . Maybe it was a combination of the three . Whatever it was , I wasn 't myself . I knew it , and it wasn 't long until Steve knew it . It all came to a head when I was fixing supper . I 'm not going to say exactly what upset me because honestly I 'm a bit embarrassed over it . In hindsight , it was a silly thing for me to get mad at him over . Steve noticed immediately that I was upset and asked me what was wrong . Being a nice guy , he wanted to fix it if he could . But I was already starting to distance . So despite him asking several times and eventually threatening to get to the bottom of things with a paddle , I was stubborn and refused to tell him . And while I didn 't totally shut down and refuse to talk to him , there was a definite terseness to my responses when he would ask me something . Later when we went to bed , he gave me even more opportunities to open up and talk to him . I don 't know why , but I just wrapped myself up in my anger and withdrew even more . When he said it was time for role affirmation ( which had been postponed from the night before ) , I did something I very rarely do . I refused to cooperate . At first it seemed I had won because he turned away . But a few minutes later , he turned back and it was clear from his expression that he was fully in HoH mode . After another refusal from me to tell him what was going on or get into position , I found myself flipped over unceremoniously . It took me by surprise . While we 've discussed it and I 've told him it 's okay to do if I 'm uncooperative , it 's not something Steve routinely does . He usually waits me out , preferring that I submit myself . I started struggling to get away at the first swat . He just slid down a little in the bed and wrapped his legs around mine to pin them and kept going . When I threw my hand back , something I hardly ever do as it got smacked accidentally once before , he shifted position again and pulled me into his chest so I had no choice but to wrap my arms around him . A couple swats later and I dissolved into a puddle of tears . It surprised both of us because it 's rare I cry that quickly with a spanking and also because I haven 't cried like that in months . It wasn 't just a few sniffles or a couple stray tears , but deep , soul - wrenching sobs . As soon as he realized it , he dropped the paddle and just held me while I cried . Finally the tears slowed enough I could tell him what I was upset about , which I had already realized was silly before the first swat even landed . He didn 't make me feel bad about getting upset over something so silly . He just apologized for his part in it . Then we talked about how it could have been handled differently . From start to finish , the spanking lasted no more than a minute . I doubt more than fifteen swats were given . They must not have been that bad because I don 't really even remember them hurting . I also don 't remember him lecturing , although he assured me he had . Something else happened during those 60 seconds , but it didn 't really hit me until this morning . Over the years , I 've erected a lot of barriers to my heart . I let people in , but only to a certain point . Even Steve has had to contend with some barriers . Whenever I feel those layers of protection start slipping away , I start to panic and immediately go to reinforcing them . But over these past few months , he 's managed to peel away some of those layers . And last night , without me even realizing it , he peeled back that final layer , leaving me completely open and vulnerable to him . Surprisingly , instead of feeling panic , I feel at peace . After all my mature posts this past week , you probably think I have it all together . I hate to disillusion you , but all the growth doesn 't come without some growing pains . So I have some more pearls of wisdom for you all . If your HoH starts a sentence with " You better hope . . . " it 's a good idea to pay attention because the sentence is probably not going to end with " or I 'm going to send you to the spa for the day then take you out to a romantic dinner followed by mind - blowing sex that gives you multiple orgasms . " It 's going to be more like " You better hope I have a clean towel when I get out of the shower or I 'm going to blister your tail . " When I proposed our little bet , I clearly didn 't think it through very well . If I had , I would have waited for a week that wasn 't already shaping up to be a stressful one . Instead I let my mouth get ahead of my head and plunged right into a stressful week with Steve having some extra incentive to be consistent . Needless to say , I got a lot more spankings than I had planned on . As the week progressed , I got more and more stressed . I knew that at the end of the week we would be driving over to see my family . While I was looking forward to seeing some family members , the recent friction with my mom had me dreading the trip as well . Steve could tell I was stressing because I kept getting more and more worked up about it . Now I don 't know about you guys , but when I get stressed , I tend to get a bit moody and snappish . Somehow I managed to keep that to a minimum , but it was clear to both of us that it probably was going to end with me over his knee . The night before we were set to leave , I seriously considered asking for a spanking to help pull me out of it and hopefully help me keep it together during our little trip . But Steve was tired so I ended up not doing it . The next morning while we were getting ready to leave , it was clear that my mood was heading downhill fast . Steve surprised me by not spanking or even giving a warning , but pulling me into his arms for a hug and then rubbing some of the tension out of my neck and shoulders . During the trip , he kept up a constant stream of chatter about anything and everything , not giving me much opportunity to dwell on the upcoming visit with my mom . Whenever I got quiet and he could tell I was starting to think about it , he 'd reach over and squeeze my leg and then say something so random that he would get me cracked up . As a result , we actually had a pleasant drive over . Once we left there and were on the way to my mom 's house , the tension returned . He went back to chattering again and reaching over to squeeze my leg from time to time . When we got there , it was as tense as I had expected . I nearly turned and walked away when my mom answered the door because her attitude was so cold . But my daughter had been looking forward to seeing her grandma so I went on in . I won 't bore you with all the details of that particular visit , but suffice it to say that it did not go well at all . By the time we left there , there was steam coming out of my ears and my mood had taken a definite turn for the worst . Steve was sympathetic while I vented , then he went back to squeezing my leg and chattering . Instead , he kept reminding me in little ways all day long that he was there for me and I could lean on him . And because he handled it that way , I was able to let go of the tension and actually enjoy my time with other family members and then lean on him when the visit with my mom didn 't go well . And even though I still vented some anger , it was to him , not at him . Normally when I get stressed , I turn inward . I pull all those feelings inside , block them up behind a wall and try to go on . Of course , this doesn 't do much good because eventually I run out of room and all the anger and frustration comes shooting out in a not so pretty explosion . Thanks to the way Steve handled things , I didn 't do that this time . So when I snuggled up in his arms last night , I thanked him for helping me get through it . It would have been easy for him to just focus on dealing with the result of the stress . But he made the effort to help me handle the problem and because he did , we both got through it without that explosion . I woke up yesterday morning with a headache . It wasn 't a migraine , but after years of suffering from them , I can usually tell when a regular headache is going to turn into one . Unfortunately this was one of those cases . By the time I got our daughter off to school and Steve off to work , it was already worsening . While I have migraine pills , I 'm trying to not take them unless I absolutely have to because I need to make them last as long as I can . Our health insurance recently ran out so I now have to pay full price for that prescription rather than my copay . At nearly $ 10 a pill without insurance ( for the generic ) , they 're not really affordable so unless I get really desperate and we have the extra money , I 'm probably not going to be refilling that prescription any time soon . Mini rant alert . Whatever genius prices medicines that high needs their head examined . If they had to live on our budget with no insurance for just a month or two , they 'd realize how unreasonable their prices are and how many people go without needed medications simply because they can 't afford it . There 's just no excuse for them letting people suffer so they can line their pockets . End rant . I ended up sleeping pretty much all day until it was time to pick our daughter up . The sleep had helped some as the headache was only slightly worse than it had been before I laid down . So I decided to just stick it out as long as I could . Unfortunately , since I had slept most of the day , I still had chores that I needed to do . I did the best I could considering the circumstances , but wasn 't able to get everything done . Rather than wait for Steve to find out when he checked after getting home , I told him as soon as he came in the door . He didn 't say anything about it , just went to play with our daughter so I could cook supper in peace . Later it occurred to me to ask if I was in trouble . I was really hoping he would say no but figured with our little bet still going , he might not want to back down . He surprised me by offering me grace . He said he appreciated me doing as much as I had considering how I felt and even if it meant losing our bet , he wasn 't going to punish me over it . You know sometimes I forget how suited he really is to the role of HoH . He could have been a jerk about it and insisted on following through all in the name of winning our silly bet . But he realized that this was a unique situation that needed to be handled differently , that it was more important for him to do the right thing rather than make his decision based on a bet . I 'm proud of him . These past seven months have brought an amazing amount of change and growth in both of us . But I have never felt more convinced that I made the right choice in asking him to lead than I did yesterday . He showed me what a true HoH is . And for what it 's worth , I told him he didn 't lose the bet over his decision . Tomorrow is the last day of our little wager and I have no doubt that if needed , he will step up . As far as I 'm concerned , he 's already won . Of course so have I because I 've got the consistency I wanted with the grace I needed . And that 's what this really is all about , finding the balance that works for us . I haven 't really mentioned it here yet , but we have been looking around for a house to buy . We originally started talking about it when we moved into our current place a little over a year ago . We figured with the difference in rent , we could put that money back into savings towards a down payment . In the meantime , any extra money we have is also funneled into savings . We figured by the end of our lease , we 'd have a fairly decent chunk of money to work with . Then we started having issues with our landlord so we decided that if we could find the right house at the right price , we would go ahead and buy now rather than waiting out the lease . We can break the lease without penalty as long as we give enough notice so that 's not an issue . However , it does mean we have less money to work with . None of which we really want . Then I noticed that a house I had previously fell in love with when we were looking at a higher price range had been reduced . The reduction brought it down to our new price range . It was an older house , but had nearly everything on our wish list . The catch was it was listed as a renovation project . However , since Steve works in construction , that wasn 't a major sticking point for us as long as the renovations needed weren 't too much . I had did a little research and found out that there is a type of loan that rolls the house purchase and money for renovation into a single loan so we were even willing to go that route if it needed a little more than we felt comfortable tackling ourselves . Over the weekend , we went to check out the house . We went without the realtor so we could only look at it from the outside and peek in the windows , but from what we could see , we liked it . We did notice a few things that would need to be fixed , but they weren 't anything too major so Steve told me to call the realtor and see about getting a real tour . I was a little hesitant . After all , this was my dream house and I was afraid that the realtor would mention something that would make it impossible for us to get the house . The fact that the house had been on the market for a while added to my fears . So I kept putting off calling until Steve told me to call or else . Unfortunately , I was right . The realtor told me that the house needed major renovations , renovations that we wouldn 't be comfortable handling ourselves . She estimated that would probably cost 2 - 4 times what we would pay for the house just for the renovations . I was actually kind of surprised at how much she said it needed because it really doesn 't look like it from the outside . The final nail in the coffin was her announcement that since the house did need so much work , it was considered distressed , therefore it was impossible to get a loan on it . Does spanking tone your butt ? Call me crazy , but as I looked in the mirror , it seemed to be that my butt was looking better than it had just a few months before . It looked more firm and toned . Since I haven 't changed my diet or exercise habits , the only thing I can think of ( aside from wishful thinking ) is that spanking must have something to do with it . So I did a little research . I was happy to see that I was not the only person that had this crazy thought . According to this link , in response to the question " Does spanking firm and tone your butt ? " , the answer is * If you 're wondering how last night went , I did get spanked , but he did offer a little grace in that it was less than he had originally planned . And this time my little hero interfered a lot sooner . As soon as he saw the paddle , even before a single swat was given , he climbed on my backside and started barking at Steve . So we waited until he fell asleep under the blanket before proceeding , only to have him come running out to protect me as soon as he heard the first swat . Needless to say , we ended up having to put him out for the remainder of the spanking . After already getting spanked once over the living room , I was determined that it wasn 't going to happen again . So I got an early start with the errands I had to run so I would have the entire afternoon to focus on it . I knew it wasn 't going to take that long , but I wanted to be sure I had a time cushion in case something unexpected came up . By the time Steve got in from work , I was feeling pretty good about my accomplishment . I had even did a few things that he probably wouldn 't have even cared about ( like straightening the coat closet that 's in the living room ) . So you can imagine my dismay when he said nope , it 's not done yet . Once I got over my shock at him saying that , I asked why . He then proceeded to rattle off five things he felt like I missed . The only problem was that two of those things weren 't even in the living room ( one was the hall and the other in our bedroom ) . He had me on one thing . The other two were part of the living room , but I felt like he was nit - picking on those . But since I 've agreed to let him lead how he sees fit ( even if I disagree with his decision ) , I was going to take the punishment anyway . However , I wasn 't going to take it without respectfully sharing my opinion first , which I did . But the whole thing became a moot point when he fell asleep without doing it . At first , I was kind of happy about it . One , I got out of a spanking that I felt was unfair . Two , by him not following through , he lost our consistency bet . But then I started thinking . I knew he had had two very long days of work back to back . I knew that , just like me , he 's still been dealing with some lingering fatigue from the flu we had last month . I knew he was tired . He looked exhausted . I thought about it last night and some more this morning . This morning while I was fixing his lunch , I asked what he wanted me to do today . It was then that it occurred to him that by falling asleep , he 'd lost the bet . So I surprised him . I offered him grace . I told him that no , he hadn 't lost our bet . That I wasn 't going to hold it against him because he was tired from working all day to support our family . And that he had until midnight tonight to carry out whatever he felt was needed . While I always appreciate it when he offers me grace , I sometimes get frustrated because he 's also being inconsistent . However , after this , I think I better understand why he does occasionally offer it . Because sometimes it 's nice to cut someone a break when you know they have a lot on their plate . I told you last week about my daughter tattling on me after I had specifically told her not to tell Steve something . Steve got a kick out of it and I jokingly said that she was out to get me . After yesterday , I 'm wondering if she really is trying . Yesterday 's chore was to clean the living room . Admittedly , it was overdue for a good cleaning . I still hadn 't taken down the tree and Christmas decorations . There were toys strewn from one end to the other . It was a bit of a mess . As I cleaned , I realized that probably 90 % of the mess was our daughter 's . So I cleaned up most of the room , but decided to make her pick up the rest when she got home from school . That 's where I hit the problem . She picked up a couple things and then quit . Since I was busy working on something else in another room , I didn 't catch it right away . By the time I did , I was in the middle of cooking supper and Steve was pulling in the driveway . Needless to say , it didn 't get finished . Even though the room looked a lot better than it had when I started , Steve doesn 't consider a chore done unless it 's completely finished . I explained the situation and hoped for the best . While he agreed with my decision about making her pick up some of the mess since it was mostly hers , he said it was ultimately my responsibility to make sure it was done . That meant either doing it myself or making sure she did what she was told . So I still got in trouble . Since the chore in question was part of my gambling spree the previous week , he wanted to make a point . And he did . When I came to bed , he pulled back the blanket for me , only to reveal the paddle he already had got out . It was not pleasant at all . There was no warmup , just hard rapid - fire swats that had me squirming and yelping pretty much immediately . But I did get a little lucky . He was close to being done , but planning on a few more extra - hard swats to make sure I got the point when our dog interfered . He didn 't growl at Steve or try to bite the paddle like he has before . Instead , he laid down across my backside . My hero . So rather than fight the dog , Steve stopped there . Did I mention how much I love this dog ? Today , I 'm definitely feeling the results of that spanking . It was not an easy one and I tensed up , something I try not to do . Normally Steve notices if I 'm tensing and will stop to urge me to relax , but he didn 't last night . So while I don 't have a single mark on my backside , the muscles I tensed during the spanking are definitely sore . Posted by As any gambler can tell you , even a long - running good streak will eventually come to an end . After all , the odds are always weighted towards the house . This is where compulsive gamblers run into problems . They are riding the high of a good streak when their luck suddenly takes a turn . They keep on playing trying to get back to where they were , only to find themselves running through their entire winnings ( and sometimes more ) in the process . Yesterday I was already thinking about backing away from the table . I 'd already had three days of my streak and figured my luck was bound to run out sooner or later . And I probably would have gave in except Steve did something that upset me . He was outside working on his truck . I went out to see how it was going , but didn 't stay long because one of our neighbors was talking to him and it was pretty cold out . So I turned to go back in the house only to hear him tell me ( not ask me ) to go do a specific chore . It rubbed me the wrong way , but I probably could have shook it off and things would have been fine . Except he followed up that order with a statement that I knew what would happen if I didn 't do it . Now he 's said stuff like that before , but never in front of someone else . While he didn 't say exactly what would happen , the way it was said it was obvious that there would be some sort of consequence . That ticked me off so I told him no , then walked in the house . Later Steve came in the house and noticed I was a little cranky . I got a warning , but then he saw I hadn 't worked on the chore in question so he changed that warning to a definite announcement that I was getting a spanking . Seeing as how he had already said that a couple times this week and not followed through , I wasn 't too worried . That combined with my mood ended up with me responding with a " yeah right . " When I went to our bedroom after getting our daughter down for the night , I found Mr . Consistency had returned . Needless to say , he wasn 't happy about the recent gambling on my part or the remarks I had made throughout the day . He sent me to retrieve the implements he had decided on and then told me to get in position . I started with the remark made in front of the neighbor . He apologized before I was even done telling him about it , but said he didn 't remember doing it . He did promise to be more careful about what he said when others were around so I let it go . Then we talked about consistency , the recent lack thereof , and how it plays a role in how I react . We ended up having a pretty long discussion about it . I let him know how I struggle with maintaining my submissiveness when I 'm not feeling his dominance . And I told Steve that when I knew there was a good chance he wouldn 't react , I was more likely to risk it . Finally once all the talking was done , it was time to handle other business . It wasn 't pleasant , but it wasn 't as bad as I had suspected it might be . I suspect he tempered it a little because he felt bad for not nipping it in the bud to start instead of letting it keep going . That and my little hero started barking at him ( Steve forgot to put him out ) . A little later , we were laying in bed just snuggling and watching a movie . It was then that a thought crossed my mind and before I could really think it through , it popped out of my mouth . I bet him he couldn 't make it a week without letting something go . The next thing I know we had negotiated terms and he had agreed to the bet . It 's going to be an interesting week . Last night I spent a few hours trying to write a post about how we 've been going lately . As sometimes happens when I 'm trying to write a post about something before I 've fully processed it , I kept hitting a wall . Finally , I gave up and went to bed , figuring it might come together better after a good night 's sleep . Although I 've got a knack for that one . I once won an amateur poker tournament that started with several tables of people playing and ended with me going head to head against a guy that had been playing longer than I 've been alive . What made it even more amazing is that I had only learned how to play a month or so before that . But I digress . My kind of gambling doesn 't cost us money ( or win it for that matter ) . You see Steve is a bit of a yo - yo when it comes to consistency . Sometimes I can 't get away with anything . About time I get used to that , he starts letting things slide . Then I slip and slide for a bit until he gets back to being consistent again , at which point we start the cycle all over again . His most recent bout with being Mr . Consistency has ended the same way as previous ones . After the first couple days , which were pretty rough , I made the adjustment and found my submissiveness . Then Mr . Consistency disappeared . I tried to maintain that submissiveness , but it started slipping away . So I start playing the odds . I gamble that if I do something that would normally land me in trouble , he 's going to be in the inconsistent phase . Sometimes my bet pays off , sometimes it doesn 't . But since it pays off more than it doesn 't , I keep gambling . Now I know that this tactic isn 't really cohesive with submissiveness . To have a truly submissive heart , I need to keep on track whether he 's being consistent or not . But I haven 't reached that point yet in our journey . I need to feel his dominance in order to maintain my submissiveness . I 'm not just talking about spanking , but general things that show me he 's still in charge . Things like giving me a look or warning when I start dancing a little too close to the fire , telling me I need to put on a jacket because it 's cold outside or simply telling me " That 's enough . Let it go . " when he sees I 'm getting worked up over something that I can 't change . In the right time and place , gambling can be fun . But it 's also risky because it 's easy to get addicted if you 're not careful . Obviously , our relationship isn 't where I need to be gambling and I don 't want to get addicted to it either . So sometimes I wish Steve would just give me a sign , something like this : We always want to protect those that we care about . It 's true whether you 're talking about a mother and child , a husband and wife or even good friends . That protective instinct is born out of love for each other . But I 've noticed that over the past few months since we began this journey , that need to protect each other has grown and evolved to a new level . As most of you know , I 've been at odds with my mom for a few months now . It 's difficult , not only on me , but also my family who has to deal with the emotional roller coaster I 'm on as a result of the situation . Steve has been a rock for me , listening to me when I needed to vent , supporting me and holding me when I get teary . The one thing he hasn 't done is interfere . At least he didn 't try to until this week . I don 't know if it 's his recent HoH growth spurt making him feel more protective or he was just tired of the situation , but he had had enough . He told me that he was tired of her upsetting me and he was going to call her and tell her to leave me alone . To ensure she didn 't bother me anyway , he was going to block her number on my phone . Unfortunately I had a knee - jerk reaction to him saying that . You see prior to us getting together , I was in a relationship with a guy who was very controlling . I was only allowed to see the people who he approved of , none of which were my family or friends . Even though our house was less than five minutes from my parents , I only saw them a handful of times in the years I was with him . As a result , when I got out of that toxic relationship , I swore that no one , no matter who they were , was going to block me from seeing or talking to my family . Thankfully , Steve caught on pretty quickly to why I reacted the way I did and he got me to talk to him . Logic set in and I realized that he wasn 't trying to be a controlling jerk . He just wanted to help . So I thanked him for wanting to protect me , but told him I preferred to handle it myself . But it 's nice to know he 's got my back . Steve 's a nice guy , something a lot of people take advantage of , but you don 't expect family to do it . I was upset over it , but trying to keep quiet because I knew Steve was bothered by the situation . Finally I hit my limit . I couldn 't stand seeing him so hurt over it so I told him I would take care of it . Then I picked up my phone to give my father - in - law a piece of my mind and tell him where he could stick his deal because it wasn 't going to happen . I was so mad I kept mis - dialing , which is probably the only reason Steve was able to snatch the phone out of my hands before I hit send . Just like I had done only a day or two before , he told me he appreciated the fact I cared enough to want to fix something I could see was upsetting him , but this was something he needed to handle himself . But he liked the fact I had his back . These days , now that the protective instinct has kicked into overdrive , I pity the person who upsets one of us . Because when they do , they don 't just have to deal with one of us , they have to deal with both of us . Because he 's got my back and I 've got his . And if you 're wondering , the pictures are from the movie Mr . & Mrs . Smith , one of my all time favorites . The movie actually kind of suits me and Steve . Just like them , we used to go along leading separate lives with neither one of us aware of what was truly going on with the other person . But then we rekindled our relationship and now we 're united against the world . You may recall that we were both trying to quit smoking . That didn 't go well . So Steve decided if we were going to continue smoking , we needed to find a cheaper option to do it . He got supplies and a rolling machine , showed me how to roll my own cigarettes and then told me I was not to buy another pack . It is quite a bit cheaper , but it takes longer so we both end up smoking less as well , which I 'm sure was part of the reason he insisted on the change . I woke up to find we were out of supplies . Since I knew I had to run errands anyway , I decided to just wait and pick them up while I was out . But nothing was going right yesterday and by the time I made my fourth errand stop , I was feeling pretty frazzled . Since I still hadn 't got my supplies or made it home to roll a cigarette , I was ready to climb the walls . So as we stood in line waiting to check out , I was eying the cigarette display . Our daughter must have saw where my attention was focused because she reminded me that daddy said not to buy any . Yet even with her warning , when the cashier finished ringing up our stuff and asked if that was all , I asked for a pack . Then I turned to our daughter . A few minutes later , we were putting things in the car and she asked why not . So I told her he wouldn 't be happy that I had did it after he asked me not to . She got quiet then and I could tell her brain was churning . Then it hit me like a brick what I had just done . In telling her to not tell Steve because he 'd be upset with me , I was teaching her not to confess when she did something she wasn 't supposed to , to keep quiet about misbehavior to stay out of trouble . I was also teaching her that honesty wasn 't something that was needed in a marriage . That 's NOT what I want to teach her . So I had to fix it . Once we were back on the road headed towards home , I explained that I didn 't want her to tell him because it was important that when you mess up , you are the one that admits to it . I told her that it 's always better to confess yourself rather than hope that it doesn 't come out some other way . It 's a matter of respect . Then I promised I would tell him myself when he got home from work . And I kept that promise . Even though I knew the consequences of it , I confessed shortly after he got home . But she beat me to it and he already knew . After hearing about my day and the fact that I hadn 't smoked all day at the point I broke down and bought the pack , and taking into consideration the fact that I had confessed , he let me off the hook with only a warning . For the purposes of this blog , I 'm Dana and my husband is Steve . We 've married and have a child together . Like most couples , we 've had our problems . After coming to the realization that my procrastination and disrespect was a huge problem in our marriage , I started exploring options . I came across domestic discipline ( DD ) a while back , but it took a bit for me to work up my nerve to bring up the subject with my husband . To my surprise , he didn 't think I was crazy for bringing it up and now we 've begun a new stage in our relationship . I 'm working harder to be the wife I should have been all along and have given him the authority to redirect me if I get off the path we 've chosen together . I started this blog for a variety of reasons : to document our journey ( in case we want to look back ) , to connect with others with DD relationships ( because everyone around me is vanilla to the core ) and to help work out issues I 'm dealing with ( since writing things out helps ) . I welcome others ' input so feel free to comment or email ( danaandstevek @ gmail . com ) . Join us and other like - minded individuals in chat for some great conversation . ADDS ChatThe ADDS chatroom offers a Sunday morning community sit down discussion , a Monday night topic discussion and bi - weekly HoH and tih chats . D & L ChatThe Discipline & Love chatroom offers Sunday night topic discussions . Both chats are free and do not require registration to join the conversation . Both are open 24 / 7 so if you miss the scheduled chats , you can still stop in for general discussion at any time .
I have always loved reading . The more imaginative the story , the better they were , I thought . The point was to read them for how they made me feel rather than for any connection to the real world . In school , teachers wanted me to connect them to the real world , using something called a book report . Doing such a thing seemed sacrilegious , somehow . It also felt like cruel and unusual punishment . As often as such assignments came , perhaps they weren 't all that unusual . Then I went to see " Arrival , " and thought it was great . Looking at reviews for it , I discovered the critics all loved it . None of it agrees with my usual expectations , but that is the situation . Beyond all that , I find myself not wanting to put out any spoilers . There is a requirement to compare " Arrival " with others . While the inciting incident is the arrival of aliens , it is nothing like Independence Day . Perhaps comparing it to Contact would give a better idea . Twelve ships appear over random spots on the planet . One site is in Montana . Linguistics professor Louise Banks , played by Amy Adams , has to determine why the aliens came to Earth . The first thing she determines is that there is no relationship between the aliens spoken language and their written communication . The written language consists of a circular swirl with protuberances at random locations . She , together with a team , are finally able to decipher these ideographs , finding the system of writing and the aliens ' concept of time are related . There are scenes intermixed with learning the visitors ' language . These are scenes from Banks ' life , including both joyous and heartbreaking experiences . At first apparently unrelated , it all becomes a complete experience , in much the same fashion as one of the alien ideographs . Amy Adams ' acting is as close to perfect as I could imagine . The cinematography is amazing . It is also thought - provoking . I thought a couple of scenes and situations were either unnecessary or lacked sufficient rationale . My opinion could change if I watched it again . That is the biggest test of a movie : would I look at it again ? When it comes to " Arrival " I can say , ' Yes ! ' with no reservations . Personally , I recommend it highly . The still - life tableau continued for what seemed an interminable time . Glancing from one wife to another , Vicky became aware that orbs of light were swirling around the room . The orbs , she finally realized , were either eyes or their equivalent . None of them were human . Vicky didn 't know any way she could come to that conclusion logically , but there it was . One particular set of eyes gradually came to the fore . She could recognize them anywhere . They belonged to Paul . The rest of him appeared in a way that felt almost natural . He was smiling hopefully at her even as his eyes consumed her . Vicky needed to bring this otherworldly experience into reality as she knew it . The alternative that she would be lost forever in this fantasy . " There are cultures on this planet where they arrange marriages through third parties . What we do here calls for those directly involved to make their feelings known to one another . These ladies made a compelling case , but that 's nowhere near enough . What are you on about , buster ? " " I did not exist as a human until a step before the door of the bank when I opened the account . The real account I was there to open was with you . As the wives told you , there is nobody human with whom I can join other than you . I 've seen many examples of marriage proposals , but what I am telling you is nothing I can say to anyone else at any other time . Would you please stay with me ? " " The name was an invention of the moment . If you don 't accept that last name , I 'll take yours . It is not a problem . What is your surname ? " There was the usual pause as Paul queried up the line . " The answer is affirmative . It is one reason for us being here . The wives are doing it their way . You and I will try it the other way . " The orbs of light , which retreated when Paul made his entrance , now returned with reinforcements . A moment later , there was a brilliant flash of white light and Vicky found herself in front of Paul 's farmhouse . Even in the early evening darkness , it was obvious the place had a fresh coat of paint along with some tasteful landscaping . Her truck was right behind her . " That was the whole point of the exercise . We let the dark ones know that we are here in force and will not go away . It will be a while before they try anything . Tomorrow , when you go to the bank , you 'll find everyone knows we 're married , and have been for several years . All records show the appropriate things . " Julie was in Vicky 's office . At the moment , they were the only ones in the bank . Vicky agreed with Julie but couldn 't let the old bat think she had the best of the situation . " You know how farm income works . Just because we 're doing well with the farmers ' market now , that doesn 't mean it will continue . In any case , coming in here gives me a chance to think . " Julie wouldn 't let that pass . " We all know what you think about , too . I 'm amazed you can tear yourself away from that hunk , Paul , to come to work . " Okay , that occupied a good part of her thoughts , but not in the way Julie put it . " If I stayed home , it would be in an empty house . Paul is clearing additional acreage for the quinoa next spring . He 's also laying out the area where the vineyard will go . " The additional point was that the three wives were all on hand for the project . Also , they were setting up defenses capable of sheltering both Alma and Holdrege from the dark ones . If she even hinted at such a thing , Julie wouldn 't understand in the first place , and such news would be grist for Julie 's rumor mill . In this case , it would be how Vicky 's was going crazy . Vicky had a flashback to the moments before Paul first walked into the bank . It was nearly the same conversation . " That would be a promotion . At the same time , Roger isn 't going anywhere . No , I think about lots of things . " Vicky was glad the conversation moved on . " I hadn 't thought about what people said at all . Do you think there 's anything to the stories ? " " When I stopped at the cafe this morning , they talked about nothing else . Several there saw lights above the Republican River east of town . They were white , green , and blue . " " I didn 't get enough of a change order yesterday , " she said to Julie . " Could you get me some fast ? I 've got people waiting back at the cafe . " Julie hurried to the teller 's station as Roger came in with the three Feds . That gave Vicky a moment of unease , but Roger smiled as he headed for his office . The Fed in charge nodded pleasantly at Vicky as he passed . " I hope you 're having a good morning , Mrs . Nicholls . My wife called and wondered if you could bring some of both kinds of amaranth tomorrow morning . " Vicky wondered if she was supposed to know his name , and Paul 's voice came to her . " He is James Wilson and is now on our side . We can get him some amaranth . " Vicky smiled and nodded to the Fed . " I am having an excellent day , Mr . Wilson . We can take care of you . How much of each kind would you like ? " The three wives tell Vicky about the dark ones . The description makes the dark ones sound very human . They tell Vicky about her part . Maybe she should run away . The three wives had everything broken down and put away in short order . As a matter of fact , Vicky had no more idea where everything went after the farmers ' market than where any of it came from before then . This time , Red got in front . The way the day had gone , Vicky supposed she shouldn 't have been so surprised when the three wives immediately took over her house when they arrived . She shouldn 't have been surprised but was both amazed and horrified . Two of the wives took over the kitchen . At the same time , Raven sat down on the couch with Vicky . This little performance was clearly their show . " To partially confirm your suspicions , we did not start out as humans . We are human now , at least in every way that matters . The reason that few of us became human was to help your race survive the challenges which are before you . While we retain some aspects of our nativity , by taking on human form , we necessarily also partake of the human condition . In short , we become homo sapiens because being on this planet forces that kind of change . " Raven nodded as though she understood Vicky 's position . After a moment , she continued , " Life is nearly universal . Consider the problems trying to get groups of humans to agree about anything . Now consider trying to get any understanding between species from alien environments . As we understand the dark ones ' position , they studied your race briefly and decided other species on your planet needed assistance while yours needed to die out . From what we know of the dark ones , they saw too much of themselves in your race . That boils down to the dark ones not wanting competition . Of course , that supposes both of your races would want the same goal in the first place . " " The dark ones know we are trying to help humanity and they want to get in the way of that effort at every opportunity . They are at a disadvantage , however . There is no way that any of their kind would consider taking on human form . If a dark one did that , their chances of blending in with the general population would be much easier than what we face . Any of them would simply be considered batshit crazy and allowed to do whatever they want . A dark one might even run for public office . " Vicky snorted . " From your description , I 'd say they 'd have every chance of being elected . How do you know they haven 't done that ? " " Whenever they do something , it leaves evidence . What we do also leaves a trace . That is how the dark ones knew about us . They used the humans in the area as sensing devices . In the case of the policeman who attacked you , it was the same thing as an armed drone . There would be no concern about police brutality . As far as the dark ones have any interest , hate and discontent generated between humans promotes the program of extinction . " Raven patted Vicky 's hand . " That is the impression we wanted to give . That is because you are the critical link in all of this . Part of Paul taking on human characteristics included the emotional and biochemical areas . When he walked into the bank , he bonded to you , even if you didn 't realize it . " Raven giggled . " Paul refers to us in many ways . At the same time , he never said we were his three wives . It is true that we are all married . Each of us is the spouse of a different human . Our purpose is to make Paul able to fit in with the people around here . We also help with the farm . " " If you stay here by yourself , it will not be long before they begin sending more people after you . Paul can protect you to some extent . Still , with the two of you so far apart , he cannot guarantee your safety . " " Everyone in the area will think of you as Mrs . Vicky Fortek . The accepted story will be that you two married several years ago . You work at the bank to help get the farm and vineyard going . " After the disaster with Tom , Vicky had decided not to bother with men again . Then again , Paul was not exactly a man . At least , he wasn 't merely a man . Vicky took a deep breath . She was about to agree to it but suddenly had a thought . " This is all coming in a rush . Why ? " " Until we know your answer , we cannot leave . If we go now , the dark ones will come with a full load of fear and death . They will target you . More than that , they will go after everyone connected with you . The pastor might survive , but he has another situation . When the dark ones finish , Alma will no longer resemble what it is now . Holdrege will be a disaster area . " " The dark ones can 't do anything to him . But without you , the crops will reverse and shrivel , as will Paul . Eventually , his human form will disappear , and he will return to his original form . " Vicky had not worried about how the wives could present their products , especially . She figured they could sell off the lowered tailgate of the truck if nothing else . It wasn 't worth bringing up with the three wives . They had no experience with such things , anyhow . She did notice her seat mate was quiet driving into Holdrege and assumed the three women were communicating with Paul Fortek or with whatever passed for creatures where they called home . When they got to the site , a man came up right away and pointed out where they should set up . She backed up to the curb . Getting out , her three companions and cargo all became visible to everybody nearby . The three went to work , producing tables , banners , bags , and a cash box from nowhere . Vicky already did her part for the cause by getting the three and their products here in the first place . That was when she remembered to give Blondie the envelope with their money from last week . After that , she opened her envelope and saw it contained forty dollars . That added to the money in her wallet . She wasn 't even concerned about anything in the file folder . Next to the truck was a line of people who wanted amaranth . There was no way to imagine why that many people would need a supply of something they had never needed before and had probably never even heard of before . It was incredible . At the same time , the other vendors had no lack of customers . The man she had taken the amaranth to had his place four vendors down the line . Vicky wandered down to his stand and looked at the variety of things on hand . After a bit , she decided what to buy . After a tour of the vendors , she got a little peanut brittle and took everything back to the truck . Just in the time she was gone , the truck had become half - empty . The whole thing was astonishing . Was it possible this fast - growing amaranth was a drug ? That would certainly explain part of the Federal interest in the situation . It also made her decide not to get any of it . As she thought about it a bit more , there were already amaranth leaves at home . It was what the monster roll of currency used as a nest . She had not thrown the stuff in the trash . It was food , after all . Vicky sighed and leaned against the truck box . The three wives were all busy taking care of customers . There were two lines , each tended by one woman with the third busy keeping the other two supplied . There seemed no way to make any sense of the amaranth 's popularity . A Holdrege police car cruised slowly past , the two men in the car carefully checking everything . Vicky wondered if they heard there was a riot at the farmers ' market . Not long after that , it came back . This time it stopped in front of her truck , as though blocking it from leaving . That was okay , Vicky thought . The three wives still had products to sell and no lack of people wanting to buy it . One of the cops got out and came up to Vicky . Blondie glanced up and then brought her entire focus on the situation . Vicky took a chance and glanced toward the other two . They had both turned around and were gazing intently at the area around the police officer . She wasn 't certain , but a faint aura seemed to appear around the cop . A moment later , the feeling of hate and tension abruptly dissipated . He looked down at the gun in his hand , a bewildered look on his face . The cop then slowly holstered his weapon and licked his lips . He stared at the ground for a bit and mumbled something under his breath . Finally , he sucked air through his teeth and looked up . Raven smiled smoothly and professionally . " We sure do . If you would care to step around to the side here , we 'll take care of you . " She then turned to the people in her line . " Do you mind if this nice policeman cuts in front ? I believe he 's on duty , and we certainly wouldn 't want to keep him from protecting us . " The response came inaudibly and immediately from Blondie . ' We didn 't want to deal with this . Not for a while , we hoped . Thanks a lot for playing it as you did . Other than the cop himself , we are the only ones who know what just happened . His partner doesn 't know , and the policeman is currently telling himself that what he experienced couldn 't have happened . The lack of any reaction other than from you will make it easier for him to rationalize it away . ' ' It isn 't that hard . People do it all the time . There is a great deal that doesn 't correspond with their reality . It is too much effort continually modifying personal theories about how the universe operates . ' ' You need to know that your doubts about our being able to sell all the product we brought are laid to rest . I just put the last packages on the tailgate . We will have to turn a few people away . Would you like to go home early ? ' ' No thanks . I 'm going to wait and see what this does to everybody around here before I get too enthused . For all I know , they might grow a third eye or tentacles or something . ' Vicky 's life becomes both better and stranger . She doesn 't even mind taking the three wives to the farmers ' market . Maybe Vicky is hallucinating . " The three of them and I communicate constantly . We all agree helping you is a good thing . By the way , we saw how helpful it was for you to have a few pieces of currency . Your file folder now has a couple of extra bills , just in case of some need . Now you should focus on where you are . I think you have a customer . " The rest of the day went smoothly . Driving home , she saw one of the Fed vehicles , but going the other way . Fortek was directing everything in the area like a symphony conductor . Meanwhile , everyone thought they were making decisions on their own . Vicky considered that , for whatever reason , she was one of the reasons for all of it . What she could not imagine was why . She didn 't need all the money for the bakery earlier in the day and treated herself to shopping at the grocery store . Vicky indulged herself with some ice cream among other things . The in - store deli just finished frying some chicken , and she even got that . Her diet could wait for another day . The next morning found her well - rested and deciding the file folder could stay in the truck cab under the passenger seat . Everything went smoothly . Even the traffic on the highway to Alma stayed a safe distance from her . That turned out to be the omen for the week , where everybody decided it was time to be nice to her and each other , at least while Vicky was around . That wasn 't the only thing , either . It seemed as though several people decided to move their bank accounts to them . It wasn 't just their bank accounts , either . They transferred loans , credit cards , and a lot of other things that helped keep the bank open and profitable . Sunday , Vicky felt pretty good about going to church . With currency showing up in her file folder on a daily basis , she decided to help the church a bit more , as well . After church , Pastor Harris sidelined her again . " I know you helped Paul Fortek at the farmers ' market . I also heard you volunteered to take some of his people to it this coming week . After your challenges , that was a very charitable act on your part . " Pastor Harris nodded and reached into his pocket for two envelopes . " He sold all that you gave him . He took some out to repay you for transportation . That is the second envelope . The first one is for Mr . Fortek . " The farmers ' market was Monday evening , and Vicky went to the Fortek farm right after work . Going there was her third trip , and it already felt like a normal thing to do . The driveway didn 't seem as bad this time . Maybe she managed to avoid the worst potholes . At the same time , Fortek and his light show might have done a little magic out here , as well . By the house , Fortek directed Vicky to back up to an outbuilding . There , the three wives immediately began loading the truck with the two flavors of amaranth leaves . The young leaves could be used as - is in salads . The mature leaves needed to be cooked , and were much like spinach . Vicky heard some people say they preferred the taste of the amaranth to spinach . Product continued to load , and while Vicky was aware that the kind man in Holdrege was able to sell all she took to him , it was hard to imagine whichever of the three wives decided to go , being to sell everything there . It just seemed too optimistic . Blondie got in with Vicky , solving that part of the question . At the same time , however , the truck rocked slightly . Looking through the rear window , Vicky saw the other two wives were in back . " How about when people arrive in town with no visible means of transportation ? That would seem to violate any number of things you consider natural laws . What about currency materializing inside a closed file folder located under the seat of a locked vehicle ? " Vicky shook her head . " None of it makes any sense . At the same time , I can see that 's how it is . Will Mr . Fortek join us ? " " He didn 't expect to see anybody but you , so we fulfilled his expectation . It was very simple . Your magicians do it all the time . " " You already gave us names , " came the reply . " You think of me as Blondie . The others are Raven and Red . Those names will work as well as anything I might tell you , and you will continue to think of us in those terms in any case . " Vicky got the truck moving before she said anything else . " The three of you being able to access my mind whenever it suits you is weird . Communicating when you are somewhere else is one thing . This is something else altogether . " " There is nothing to it . You think of yourself as substantial when there is so much space between your various elements . Most of the universe can pass through you without your even being aware of it . " The negotiations continued the rest of the way to Alma . As she parked , Vicky concluded , " I will leave this file with all your money here in the truck . I 'll throw something over the folder , so it isn 't obvious . I 'll also make sure to lock the pickup . You should take the money but leave the file . I need something to file my paperwork . " There was no reply , and she wasn 't going to wait around for one . Julie was already there when she walked in . Fortunately , it was still before the time to open the bank . Besides , Roger wasn 't there yet , either . Perhaps Paul Fortek was keeping his word about watching out for her well - being . On the other hand , Vicky considered , Paul wasn 't doing all that he could . " It may look that way , Julie , but I didn 't see too many people over the weekend . There were a few minor irritations this morning , but I 'm hopeful they will not bother me anymore . " " It was the usual chatter about prospects for harvest and where livestock prices might go . There was nothing about anybody with family problems . Come to think of it , nobody mentioned any lights in the sky , either . It 's as though they never happened . Did you come down here to church again ? " Julie was about to say something , but Roger walked in just then . Whatever it was , Julie evidently decided their boss didn 't need to hear it and went over to the teller station . Roger seemed to be in a good mood as he said good morning to both of them . Vicky had gotten into the habit of keeping an eye out for the Feds showing up , but that didn 't happen . Roger came back out soon after that to remind them that this was the day the Chamber of Commerce would visit the bank . Such visits included coffee and cookies . With no customers just then , Julie went into the back room to get the big coffee maker . Vicky 's part was to go down the block to a bakery to get a selection of cookies . On the way , she opened the truck . The file was now nearly empty . Fortek forgot a hundred dollars worth of twenty - dollar bills . Maybe he was taking care of her situation after all . She took the money and relocked the truck . Buying the pastries was another thing Roger would promise to reimburse but never get around to doing . Alma , with a population of a thousand , was the county seat . Vicky considered it remarkable the town had an excellent bakery in addition to the sandwich shop . Many of the small towns in the area had trouble keeping people , but Alma figured out a way to do it , at least for the moment . Alma was at the intersection of two well - traveled highways and was on the shore of the second largest lake in the state . That certainly helped local businesses . This time , Vicky could get the pastries without having to short - change her food budget . That was a nice touch . Come to think of it , if a few stray twenties showed up now and then , it wouldn 't be a bad thing . She got back to the bank in time to set out the goodies before the Chamber members arrived . She knew there wouldn 't be any strange faces . Except for this time , the Chamber used the visit to announce a new Chamber member . The town newspaper 's reporter and photographer were on hand to record the occasion . Vicky wasn 't surprised when the new member turned out to be Paul Fortek . Paul talked briefly about his specialty crops and also about how he hoped to grow grapes and eventually build a winery . The man had been studying , as he said . His presentation almost sounded like a bona fide business plan . Some of the other business owners chatted with him as though they 'd known him for years instead of a few weeks . Vicky didn 't think she would see a car outside . Like the farmer 's market fellow noted , he just went where he needed to be . Nobody there found anything about him odd . Interestingly , that included Rhonda , the real estate broker , with whom he shared a moment of small talk about business . Vicky began to wonder about the depth of the rabbit hole into which she 'd fallen . It was true the pills and advice her mother gave her had done nothing at all . If that was the case , what character did Fortek play ? He switched characters at will . One character was the Cheshire Cat . In this instance , it was his eyes instead of his grin that stuck around . Julie suddenly tittered like a schoolgirl . If Fortek hadn 't already conquered Julie , she was his now . Vicky felt embarrassed for her co - worker but could understand Julie 's reaction to the situation . At the same time , Fortek did not react at all . He just smiled and made something like a courtly bow . Then he left the bank . Julie stood , staring at the door for a long moment . Vicky had a feeling that if Julie ran to the door and looked outside , Paul Fortek would be nowhere in sight . It was strange how quickly a person could accept as fact what was physically impossible . Roger smiled in a shy way and took the tray to Julie . The plate sliding in front of her broke that hypnotic gaze toward the closed bank door . On a whim , Vicky looked up amaranth 's symbolism . Seeing it was a sign of immortality somehow seemed appropriate at the moment . It also meant nothing at all . Looking up , she saw Roger placing the tray on the counter where customers could make up deposits . He didn 't take anything for himself . At the same time , Julie was back at her station , nibbling on the cookie and smiling at nothing . It was good to see everybody being happy and getting along with one another . Perhaps that was all the meaning there was to any of this . Vicky had a lot of trouble getting to sleep . She knew that was necessary since she had to go to work in the morning . In spite of it , her mind kept chewing relentlessly on the problem . In spite of the effort , she was making no more progress on the problem than a gnat trying to eat an elephant . At last , she got drowsy and began to nod off . That was when small orbs of light began to circle inside her bedroom . Was she finally asleep and dreaming this ? The orbs swirled in an increasingly tight pattern . Then it coalesced into a human shape . It was Paul Fortek . Now she knew she was asleep and dreaming . Maybe it was a nightmare . In spite of the fact that her bedroom was dark , she had no difficulty seeing his face . That was another vote for this being a dream . All at once , she saw the face smile . Now that was a twist . " I see a vision in a dream or nightmare . That same imaginary thing informs me it is not a dream . Now this is something new . " " There is no way for me to convince you of the reality of our conversation right now . On the other hand , when you get up in the morning , you may find something you could not have done . Perhaps then you will know . " " That sounds as reasonable as anything else I 've heard lately . What is not reasonable is imagining that a man is in my bedroom while I 'm trying to sleep . I know for a fact that I locked all the doors . " " I have kept watch over you , and know that you have suffered lots of stress because of my situation . That was not our intention or purpose . We did a great deal in error . There was so much that we did not know . We could not know all the things we needed . " " I see your point but want you to know my position in the case . Besides , I was the one who sent the pastor to you at that time . You should know that . " All the pieces of the puzzle dropped into place with that remark . The trouble was that the answer was too easy and too pat . Reality never worked that way . Vicky needed to change the subject . He leaned over and put his hand on her forehead . All at once , she felt her muscles begin to relax , starting with her neck and body . Soon the relaxation was working its way to her fingertips and toes . Vicky 's eyes then closed naturally . Vicky 's eyes popped open a minute before her alarm was to go off . She felt rested and energetic , flipping off the alarm and heading for the bathroom . She reflected on the strange dream she had last night as she started to put on her makeup . Then she noticed the small wrinkles in her forehead had disappeared , and she recalled the last act of the dream man in putting his hand there . The man in the dream said he would leave something for her to know it wasn 't a dream after all . If that was true , then he was fixing her face just like he repaired the truck . That was something beyond amazing . She never took very long with her make - up , and today took even less time than usual . Other than staring at herself in the mirror , that is . Her apartment 's living room , dining , and kitchen areas were all open concept . To be blunt , it was all one room . On the coffee table was something very strange . When she examined the thing , it was a roll of currency very much like the one Fortek took out of his coveralls . The roll of currency nested in a bed of amaranth leaves . That meant it was a tasty little dish with a value she didn 't care to think about even if she could estimate it pretty well based on the Fortek deposit . Vicky did consider the situation as she drank a little orange juice . There was no way she could do anything with the cash . There was also no place safe to hide it . She did have a safe deposit box at the bank . That was probably the best spot for it until she could come up with something better . She had an accordion file in the bedroom . There was not much time , so she dumped the contents on her bed . She could organize that paperwork later . Vicky flattened the currency as best she could , and separated it into four stacks which then inserted into the file . At that point , all she could do was get out the door and down the road to work . The response was immediate and sounded like he was sitting in the truck with her . " Yes , I am . I also see that my attempt to make your life better somehow managed to make things worse again . " Vicky framed her thoughts . " This world believes in limited resources . Some people accumulate more than they need . We call them wealthy . A few try to get resources by taking them from others . We call them criminals . If I spend resources everybody knows I could not have earned from my job at the bank , everyone will assume I am a criminal . Could you take it back , please ? " There was a pause , similar in length to when she asked him questions at the bank . " Yes , I can do that . Still , I would prefer you keep it . " Vicky mumbled all the way into Holdrege . While it was a nice sized town , finding people and places , even in neighborhoods not usually in her routine , was not a big deal . It didn 't take long for her to locate the guy the pastor claimed had offered to sell the greens . He lived at the edge of town with an extensive garden . His wife directed Vicky to a shed behind the garage , where he was organizing the produce that he planned to take to the farmer 's market . She brought the two boxes and set them where he pointed . The man barely broke his workflow to indicate where he wanted the boxes placed . It was clear that what she brought was the smallest addition to his offerings . It was very likely that nobody would notice anything strange about a few packages of exotics . He already had some fairly unusual things out . The man hadn 't stopped since she arrived . Now , though , he froze in place and looked at her . " Pastor Harris has a unique way of getting things done . He converts good intentions into commitments , leaving a person no way to get out of it . I also informed him this was a one - time deal . That makes my answer the same whether you were asking about the greens you brought or why I became a member of his church . For that matter , it 's probably the same reason you agreed to bring the stuff here in the first place . " Vicky decided to pursue something more constructive . " Tell me , are there any available spaces for new vendors at the farmer 's market ? I suggested they sell the greens themselves . " The man chuckled . " I have never seen them turn anybody away . Just a guess now , but I think somebody we both know planted the thought in your mind . He does it so cleverly that it may be a long time before you figure out how he did it . I wouldn 't be surprised to hear that you volunteered to take them since they don 't have transportation . " Vicky nodded . " I 'd love to spring one on you , but that is not the case . You will not be surprised at what I did . Yes , as a matter of fact , I voluntarily offered to take them to the farmer 's market . " He turned around to face Vicky at that point . " At the same time , Pastor Harris is not the only talented person in this deal . Think about it . I can guess that whenever our new growers decide they need to be someplace , they simply show up . After all , they arrived here , didn 't they ? " " I witnessed that in action . The man turned up out of nowhere to open a bank account . He didn 't get there in a car , as far as I could tell . There were no vehicles on his farm , either . I also noticed that whenever they need to get word to somebody , it gets there without bothering with minor things like telephones or computers . If I didn 't know that stuff like that couldn 't happen , it would make me wonder . " " It certainly could . I have something to suggest at this juncture . It 's a thing that you and I need to do to preserve our sanity . We have to be glad that the two of us , at least , have our feet firmly planted on the ground . " He turned back around at that point , picking up the work where he left it a moment earlier . It was like he switched off the conversation . Vicky stood there for a bit , watching him and wondering about this strange conversation . At last , she shook her head and went home on the other side of Holdrege . The last time Vicky 's day went like this , she went to the bar . Since today was Sunday , the bar was not open . In any case , going there had not done the least bit of good . That left cocooning on the couch . Another possibility would have been to call somebody and try to get together for a while . Vicky even thought about that for a while , and finally concluded there was nobody she wanted to share anything with , much less anything important like today 's events . Once again , she felt as though everybody was steering her . What was going on ? Even the three wives admitted what they were doing was all role - playing . At the same time , they were quick to add there was no way Vicky could ever guess what was going on . At least with reality TV shows , the people in it wanted to be there . They had to apply , go through interviews , and sign contracts . What she experienced was like some invisible force decided to make her go a prescribed direction , similar to when they forced cattle through a chute . Considering where the animals went , it was an unsettling image , indeed . Vicky curled up on the couch and turned on the boob tube . She flipped through the few cable TV channels , all she could afford . Vicky soon discovered that even with the minimal content , there was no way to concentrate sufficiently to keep track of any show . Giving up , she went in and poured herself a bath . That seemed to help , at least a little . Later on , though , she looked in the mirror and found herself having the sensation of looking at Paul Fortek 's eyes . She thought she saw longing and hope in those eyes . That , she knew , was complete nonsense . A man walking around with three gorgeous women hanging on him would never have the time or energy to think about a plain Jane bank employee . He 'd already given back far more than she could ever give him . All of this foolishness with lights floating around were just her mind 's way of trying to account for what she couldn 't hope to grasp otherwise . Another vote for how silly it all was came from the realization that Vicky was not important enough for anybody to care about , one way or another . She seemed to hear a dissenting vote from a back corner of her mind . That large crew of Federal agents came to town for a purpose . For all she knew , they were still around . The thought bothered her enough that she peeked through the front curtains at the street . There was nothing out of the ordinary , but then , she saw nothing out of the ordinary when guiding Paul Fortek to the real estate office . The bottom line was that nothing fit , at least nothing that mattered . Vicky 's truck should be collecting rust out in a field someplace . People show up out of nowhere . Pastors stroll by at the precise time she needs somebody for advice . Not only that , but he doesn 't appear in the least surprised by what she has to say . He did make a case for Fortek being a human being , at least . That meant the man had meaningful and wealthy connections in agri - business research . He certainly showed up with the kind of funds she would expect from a large corporation . Over the next month , Vicky was true to her word about attending the pastor 's Sunday services . The fuel economy for her truck increased so much that she did not have to get gas as often , even with the additional trip to Alma . While not particularly pious , Vicky still had a sense of gratitude . She elected to express it by sharing the amount she would have spent on gas before all of this happened . That didn 't amount to a huge sum of money . At the same time , Vicky was still recovering from Tom , that freeloader . In any case , whatever she gave was more than Pastor Harris would have gotten before . As the first few cool snaps preceding fall came through , she had to admit that things smoothed out a lot . Vicky sometimes saw one of the Federal cars trailing her on the highway between Holdrege and Alma . The frequency of those sightings grew less over time . If she ran the operation , Vicky would have figured out some other way to do it . After all , every one of those Federal people earned more than she did . Then there was what it cost to house them away from home . Maybe there was a connection with the pastor . He didn 't say or do anything more since that first meeting . The timing did seem too good to be true , that first day . At the same time , the subject of Paul Fortek never came up again , even in passing . That included the bank and everywhere else in town . " I noticed something a week ago . The sandwich shop started serving young amaranth greens as an option on their daily specials . I had it and thought it tasted quite good . Then there was the cafe . I 've never known them for being adventurous in their menu choices . They suddenly had a contest to see who could guess the new vegetable served as a side dish . It turned out to be the mature amaranth leaves . There 's only one place around here that could supply that product . " " I did that to help everybody . I have extreme difficulty trying to contact Mr . Fortek . After all , he does not have a phone or internet . That 's where you can help him go forward . " " One of the people in the church is willing to take his produce to a farmer 's market . They are taking a bit of a chance since they aren 't growing it themselves . We need for you to go out to Mr . Fortek 's place and get some of the young leaves along with the more mature leaves and take it to the market . He 'll accept them on consignment . What he can 't sell will go to a homeless shelter . Here 's his card . " " I don 't think it will happen . If the Feds ask , you can say you 're doing a service for your church . That will be the truth , by the way . Mr . Jackson will bring the money next Sunday . That will include something for your time and effort . " Vicky took the card and headed out , keeping an eye out for wandering lights in the sky . She never saw any , but that didn 't mean much . As for tracking her , all the Feds had to do was put an electronic tracking device on her truck . Then , they could watch her trekking back and forth in the comfort of their home office . If she needed to prove mileage for something , she should be able to refer the tax people to this agency . Needless to say , Homeland Security would neither confirm nor deny anything . The now precise steering enabled her to miss most of the potholes going up to the house . All the mechanical parts and pieces stayed together . It turned out to be a good thing that nothing broke because Paul Fortek was not at the house . Instead , she got to deal with the three wives , who came bouncing out of the house to greet her . The red - head grinned at Vicky through the windshield . " You think this is a television show and that we 're all acting - playing parts . You 're right , but not in the way you think . " Vicky blinked . Strange as he was , she would have preferred to deal with Fortek . " Since you don 't have a phone or internet , is that a message I 'm supposed to relay to Pastor Harris ? " " He is a nice man , isn 't he , " Raven replied . " We have ways to let him know necessary things . Tell him anything you like , dear . " Vicky suddenly had a thought . " I think the three of you could do very well , selling at the farmer 's market . You ought to give it a try . " Vicky sighed . Yes , that was the whole point of this game . Pastor Harris undoubtedly designed the whole thing . " I suppose I could take you there . You could sell out of the back of the truck until you get enough money to get a table and other things . " The man of the hour strolled up then . Vicky again noted how precise the comings and goings of this entire cast of characters managed to be . She should compliment the director . Vicky put it on the list of things which she should do but would never get around to doing . Vicky needs good advice and at that moment sees a local pastor . He gives her some strange counsel . The timing and recommendations seem too good to be true . Vicky didn 't have the last word . That came from the senior Fed . " If you remember anything , give me a call . Here 's my card . " That sounded like something straight out of a police procedural show on TV . While spoken politely , and with a straight face , Vicky picked up underlying menace in the phrase . She had no idea what to do or who to talk to about the situation . Julie certainly didn 't qualify . Anything that went in her ears came out at the cafe and went directly into the community consciousness of the entire town . With all of that on her mind , Vicky was on autopilot for the afternoon . About three , she saw one of the local pastors walk by outside , heading for the store . She didn 't know him personally but recalled people talking about what a kind and understanding person he was . There were also comments about how he managed to solve some problems even the sheriff couldn 't handle . Shortly before closing , the two Feds and Roger left . How Roger suddenly become their best buddy was beyond Vicky 's comprehension . All three studiously ignored her as they went out the door . That was a huge warning sign in her mind . Wherever she went and whatever she did would be under the Federal microscope . That was in spite of the fact that she had not withheld anything - well , nothing that would constitute legal evidence . The hired help all being nubile young women and his referring to them as wives could not have anything to do with whatever secret mission these people thought they had . " I don 't mind sharing it with you . In fact , I want to . At the moment , I 'm afraid the Feds may have cameras and microphones pointed at your window . " He smiled and nodded . " In that case , I have a room that should make you feel a great deal more comfortable . Bring your coffee and come with me . " " Ah , the bunks are in the room over there . Rations and water are behind door two . My parish takes good care of me . Most of this goes back to the Cold War and Mutually Assured Destruction . They even surrounded these rooms with a Faraday cage . It 's a thing which prevents electronic eavesdropping . Have a seat . " All at once , Vicky felt safer and more secure than she had in a long time . Clearly , there was a great deal more to the pastor than appeared on the surface . She poured out the experiences of the last two weeks , including everything . The pastor listened patiently and didn 't seem particularly astonished at any of it . " We have two possibilities with this situation , " he told her . " Paul Fortek may have invented some new process or procedure that will give two crops per year from a single field here in Nebraska . You already understand that would be an amazing thing to have , and the large corporations would do anything to obtain it . The government might well assist in that regard since that would give them enormous leverage with other nations . " " Indeed it would , my child . Then there is the possibility that Mr . Fortek and his three assistants , wives , or whatever they might be in their native culture , are not of this planet at all . The flashing lights and the things he did to your truck as well as to his house support that . The huge amount of progress in two weeks also points in that direction . " " I believe they are all children of God , just as we are . I also know that we answer directly to God , not to an assembly of men with a lust for power . We need to do what we can to assist Mr . Fortek . That is , we need to help him as long as he is doing good work . " " I have no idea . The answer may come with prayer . Unfortunately , answers come more often with people 's actions . Tell me , if you arrived here with the incredible power you 've seen them use , what would you do ? " " Movies and books have speculated about many reasons . Most of the reasoning bases on why people went to new lands and what they did on arriving there . They wanted resources and to spread their religious beliefs . They managed to spread disease while they were at it . " The pastor nodded . " My Bible says to preach the word to every creature . There is never an instruction to kill those who disagree with you . The fate of those people is with God , not man . We should follow those who do God 's will and let the rest go in peace . We should go back upstairs now before our absence creates questions . " " My child , " he told her softly , " we must all do what we can . I know you are not with my flock . If you see some way to come down here on Sundays , perhaps I could continue to help you in whatever way I can . " Vicky considered that as she stood in the doorway . " You know , I will see about doing that . Thank you , pastor , for the counsel and the coffee . " Vicky felt better than she had in quite a while as she headed for home . The fact that Homeland Security was almost certainly watching her no longer seemed as large a problem . There was still the possibility this was all a TV program , and the pastor was in on it . At the same time , she had to trust someone . Summer ended with a thud . Winter was far worse than any ever seen . Harlan resembled Siberia or Antarctica more than Nebraska . The six hundred barely survived a perfect storm of catastrophes which nearly wiped out humanity . Now came frigid temperatures and piles of snow , leaving them desperately hanging on to their lives and sanity . Deputy Vince , the last lawman , discovered a woman hidden by families in Ragan . Vince knew everyone in Harlan , but not her . The only other survivors were terrorists sworn to kill everyone in Harlan . Who was she ? It was a problem Vince had to solve quickly . Rick was the only computer programmer alive . His talent with computers was useless without electricity . He didn 't fit in . Both the county tycoon and the manager of the only ranch hated him . The local girls ignored him .
I have always loved reading . The more imaginative the story , the better they were , I thought . The point was to read them for how they made me feel rather than for any connection to the real world . In school , teachers wanted me to connect them to the real world , using something called a book report . Doing such a thing seemed sacrilegious , somehow . It also felt like cruel and unusual punishment . As often as such assignments came , perhaps they weren 't all that unusual . Then I went to see " Arrival , " and thought it was great . Looking at reviews for it , I discovered the critics all loved it . None of it agrees with my usual expectations , but that is the situation . Beyond all that , I find myself not wanting to put out any spoilers . There is a requirement to compare " Arrival " with others . While the inciting incident is the arrival of aliens , it is nothing like Independence Day . Perhaps comparing it to Contact would give a better idea . Twelve ships appear over random spots on the planet . One site is in Montana . Linguistics professor Louise Banks , played by Amy Adams , has to determine why the aliens came to Earth . The first thing she determines is that there is no relationship between the aliens spoken language and their written communication . The written language consists of a circular swirl with protuberances at random locations . She , together with a team , are finally able to decipher these ideographs , finding the system of writing and the aliens ' concept of time are related . There are scenes intermixed with learning the visitors ' language . These are scenes from Banks ' life , including both joyous and heartbreaking experiences . At first apparently unrelated , it all becomes a complete experience , in much the same fashion as one of the alien ideographs . Amy Adams ' acting is as close to perfect as I could imagine . The cinematography is amazing . It is also thought - provoking . I thought a couple of scenes and situations were either unnecessary or lacked sufficient rationale . My opinion could change if I watched it again . That is the biggest test of a movie : would I look at it again ? When it comes to " Arrival " I can say , ' Yes ! ' with no reservations . Personally , I recommend it highly . The still - life tableau continued for what seemed an interminable time . Glancing from one wife to another , Vicky became aware that orbs of light were swirling around the room . The orbs , she finally realized , were either eyes or their equivalent . None of them were human . Vicky didn 't know any way she could come to that conclusion logically , but there it was . One particular set of eyes gradually came to the fore . She could recognize them anywhere . They belonged to Paul . The rest of him appeared in a way that felt almost natural . He was smiling hopefully at her even as his eyes consumed her . Vicky needed to bring this otherworldly experience into reality as she knew it . The alternative that she would be lost forever in this fantasy . " There are cultures on this planet where they arrange marriages through third parties . What we do here calls for those directly involved to make their feelings known to one another . These ladies made a compelling case , but that 's nowhere near enough . What are you on about , buster ? " " I did not exist as a human until a step before the door of the bank when I opened the account . The real account I was there to open was with you . As the wives told you , there is nobody human with whom I can join other than you . I 've seen many examples of marriage proposals , but what I am telling you is nothing I can say to anyone else at any other time . Would you please stay with me ? " " The name was an invention of the moment . If you don 't accept that last name , I 'll take yours . It is not a problem . What is your surname ? " There was the usual pause as Paul queried up the line . " The answer is affirmative . It is one reason for us being here . The wives are doing it their way . You and I will try it the other way . " The orbs of light , which retreated when Paul made his entrance , now returned with reinforcements . A moment later , there was a brilliant flash of white light and Vicky found herself in front of Paul 's farmhouse . Even in the early evening darkness , it was obvious the place had a fresh coat of paint along with some tasteful landscaping . Her truck was right behind her . " That was the whole point of the exercise . We let the dark ones know that we are here in force and will not go away . It will be a while before they try anything . Tomorrow , when you go to the bank , you 'll find everyone knows we 're married , and have been for several years . All records show the appropriate things . " Julie was in Vicky 's office . At the moment , they were the only ones in the bank . Vicky agreed with Julie but couldn 't let the old bat think she had the best of the situation . " You know how farm income works . Just because we 're doing well with the farmers ' market now , that doesn 't mean it will continue . In any case , coming in here gives me a chance to think . " Julie wouldn 't let that pass . " We all know what you think about , too . I 'm amazed you can tear yourself away from that hunk , Paul , to come to work . " Okay , that occupied a good part of her thoughts , but not in the way Julie put it . " If I stayed home , it would be in an empty house . Paul is clearing additional acreage for the quinoa next spring . He 's also laying out the area where the vineyard will go . " The additional point was that the three wives were all on hand for the project . Also , they were setting up defenses capable of sheltering both Alma and Holdrege from the dark ones . If she even hinted at such a thing , Julie wouldn 't understand in the first place , and such news would be grist for Julie 's rumor mill . In this case , it would be how Vicky 's was going crazy . Vicky had a flashback to the moments before Paul first walked into the bank . It was nearly the same conversation . " That would be a promotion . At the same time , Roger isn 't going anywhere . No , I think about lots of things . " Vicky was glad the conversation moved on . " I hadn 't thought about what people said at all . Do you think there 's anything to the stories ? " " When I stopped at the cafe this morning , they talked about nothing else . Several there saw lights above the Republican River east of town . They were white , green , and blue . " " I didn 't get enough of a change order yesterday , " she said to Julie . " Could you get me some fast ? I 've got people waiting back at the cafe . " Julie hurried to the teller 's station as Roger came in with the three Feds . That gave Vicky a moment of unease , but Roger smiled as he headed for his office . The Fed in charge nodded pleasantly at Vicky as he passed . " I hope you 're having a good morning , Mrs . Nicholls . My wife called and wondered if you could bring some of both kinds of amaranth tomorrow morning . " Vicky wondered if she was supposed to know his name , and Paul 's voice came to her . " He is James Wilson and is now on our side . We can get him some amaranth . " Vicky smiled and nodded to the Fed . " I am having an excellent day , Mr . Wilson . We can take care of you . How much of each kind would you like ? " The three wives tell Vicky about the dark ones . The description makes the dark ones sound very human . They tell Vicky about her part . Maybe she should run away . The three wives had everything broken down and put away in short order . As a matter of fact , Vicky had no more idea where everything went after the farmers ' market than where any of it came from before then . This time , Red got in front . The way the day had gone , Vicky supposed she shouldn 't have been so surprised when the three wives immediately took over her house when they arrived . She shouldn 't have been surprised but was both amazed and horrified . Two of the wives took over the kitchen . At the same time , Raven sat down on the couch with Vicky . This little performance was clearly their show . " To partially confirm your suspicions , we did not start out as humans . We are human now , at least in every way that matters . The reason that few of us became human was to help your race survive the challenges which are before you . While we retain some aspects of our nativity , by taking on human form , we necessarily also partake of the human condition . In short , we become homo sapiens because being on this planet forces that kind of change . " Raven nodded as though she understood Vicky 's position . After a moment , she continued , " Life is nearly universal . Consider the problems trying to get groups of humans to agree about anything . Now consider trying to get any understanding between species from alien environments . As we understand the dark ones ' position , they studied your race briefly and decided other species on your planet needed assistance while yours needed to die out . From what we know of the dark ones , they saw too much of themselves in your race . That boils down to the dark ones not wanting competition . Of course , that supposes both of your races would want the same goal in the first place . " " The dark ones know we are trying to help humanity and they want to get in the way of that effort at every opportunity . They are at a disadvantage , however . There is no way that any of their kind would consider taking on human form . If a dark one did that , their chances of blending in with the general population would be much easier than what we face . Any of them would simply be considered batshit crazy and allowed to do whatever they want . A dark one might even run for public office . " Vicky snorted . " From your description , I 'd say they 'd have every chance of being elected . How do you know they haven 't done that ? " " Whenever they do something , it leaves evidence . What we do also leaves a trace . That is how the dark ones knew about us . They used the humans in the area as sensing devices . In the case of the policeman who attacked you , it was the same thing as an armed drone . There would be no concern about police brutality . As far as the dark ones have any interest , hate and discontent generated between humans promotes the program of extinction . " Raven patted Vicky 's hand . " That is the impression we wanted to give . That is because you are the critical link in all of this . Part of Paul taking on human characteristics included the emotional and biochemical areas . When he walked into the bank , he bonded to you , even if you didn 't realize it . " Raven giggled . " Paul refers to us in many ways . At the same time , he never said we were his three wives . It is true that we are all married . Each of us is the spouse of a different human . Our purpose is to make Paul able to fit in with the people around here . We also help with the farm . " " If you stay here by yourself , it will not be long before they begin sending more people after you . Paul can protect you to some extent . Still , with the two of you so far apart , he cannot guarantee your safety . " " Everyone in the area will think of you as Mrs . Vicky Fortek . The accepted story will be that you two married several years ago . You work at the bank to help get the farm and vineyard going . " After the disaster with Tom , Vicky had decided not to bother with men again . Then again , Paul was not exactly a man . At least , he wasn 't merely a man . Vicky took a deep breath . She was about to agree to it but suddenly had a thought . " This is all coming in a rush . Why ? " " Until we know your answer , we cannot leave . If we go now , the dark ones will come with a full load of fear and death . They will target you . More than that , they will go after everyone connected with you . The pastor might survive , but he has another situation . When the dark ones finish , Alma will no longer resemble what it is now . Holdrege will be a disaster area . " " The dark ones can 't do anything to him . But without you , the crops will reverse and shrivel , as will Paul . Eventually , his human form will disappear , and he will return to his original form . " Vicky had not worried about how the wives could present their products , especially . She figured they could sell off the lowered tailgate of the truck if nothing else . It wasn 't worth bringing up with the three wives . They had no experience with such things , anyhow . She did notice her seat mate was quiet driving into Holdrege and assumed the three women were communicating with Paul Fortek or with whatever passed for creatures where they called home . When they got to the site , a man came up right away and pointed out where they should set up . She backed up to the curb . Getting out , her three companions and cargo all became visible to everybody nearby . The three went to work , producing tables , banners , bags , and a cash box from nowhere . Vicky already did her part for the cause by getting the three and their products here in the first place . That was when she remembered to give Blondie the envelope with their money from last week . After that , she opened her envelope and saw it contained forty dollars . That added to the money in her wallet . She wasn 't even concerned about anything in the file folder . Next to the truck was a line of people who wanted amaranth . There was no way to imagine why that many people would need a supply of something they had never needed before and had probably never even heard of before . It was incredible . At the same time , the other vendors had no lack of customers . The man she had taken the amaranth to had his place four vendors down the line . Vicky wandered down to his stand and looked at the variety of things on hand . After a bit , she decided what to buy . After a tour of the vendors , she got a little peanut brittle and took everything back to the truck . Just in the time she was gone , the truck had become half - empty . The whole thing was astonishing . Was it possible this fast - growing amaranth was a drug ? That would certainly explain part of the Federal interest in the situation . It also made her decide not to get any of it . As she thought about it a bit more , there were already amaranth leaves at home . It was what the monster roll of currency used as a nest . She had not thrown the stuff in the trash . It was food , after all . Vicky sighed and leaned against the truck box . The three wives were all busy taking care of customers . There were two lines , each tended by one woman with the third busy keeping the other two supplied . There seemed no way to make any sense of the amaranth 's popularity . A Holdrege police car cruised slowly past , the two men in the car carefully checking everything . Vicky wondered if they heard there was a riot at the farmers ' market . Not long after that , it came back . This time it stopped in front of her truck , as though blocking it from leaving . That was okay , Vicky thought . The three wives still had products to sell and no lack of people wanting to buy it . One of the cops got out and came up to Vicky . Blondie glanced up and then brought her entire focus on the situation . Vicky took a chance and glanced toward the other two . They had both turned around and were gazing intently at the area around the police officer . She wasn 't certain , but a faint aura seemed to appear around the cop . A moment later , the feeling of hate and tension abruptly dissipated . He looked down at the gun in his hand , a bewildered look on his face . The cop then slowly holstered his weapon and licked his lips . He stared at the ground for a bit and mumbled something under his breath . Finally , he sucked air through his teeth and looked up . Raven smiled smoothly and professionally . " We sure do . If you would care to step around to the side here , we 'll take care of you . " She then turned to the people in her line . " Do you mind if this nice policeman cuts in front ? I believe he 's on duty , and we certainly wouldn 't want to keep him from protecting us . " The response came inaudibly and immediately from Blondie . ' We didn 't want to deal with this . Not for a while , we hoped . Thanks a lot for playing it as you did . Other than the cop himself , we are the only ones who know what just happened . His partner doesn 't know , and the policeman is currently telling himself that what he experienced couldn 't have happened . The lack of any reaction other than from you will make it easier for him to rationalize it away . ' ' It isn 't that hard . People do it all the time . There is a great deal that doesn 't correspond with their reality . It is too much effort continually modifying personal theories about how the universe operates . ' ' You need to know that your doubts about our being able to sell all the product we brought are laid to rest . I just put the last packages on the tailgate . We will have to turn a few people away . Would you like to go home early ? ' ' No thanks . I 'm going to wait and see what this does to everybody around here before I get too enthused . For all I know , they might grow a third eye or tentacles or something . ' Vicky 's life becomes both better and stranger . She doesn 't even mind taking the three wives to the farmers ' market . Maybe Vicky is hallucinating . " The three of them and I communicate constantly . We all agree helping you is a good thing . By the way , we saw how helpful it was for you to have a few pieces of currency . Your file folder now has a couple of extra bills , just in case of some need . Now you should focus on where you are . I think you have a customer . " The rest of the day went smoothly . Driving home , she saw one of the Fed vehicles , but going the other way . Fortek was directing everything in the area like a symphony conductor . Meanwhile , everyone thought they were making decisions on their own . Vicky considered that , for whatever reason , she was one of the reasons for all of it . What she could not imagine was why . She didn 't need all the money for the bakery earlier in the day and treated herself to shopping at the grocery store . Vicky indulged herself with some ice cream among other things . The in - store deli just finished frying some chicken , and she even got that . Her diet could wait for another day . The next morning found her well - rested and deciding the file folder could stay in the truck cab under the passenger seat . Everything went smoothly . Even the traffic on the highway to Alma stayed a safe distance from her . That turned out to be the omen for the week , where everybody decided it was time to be nice to her and each other , at least while Vicky was around . That wasn 't the only thing , either . It seemed as though several people decided to move their bank accounts to them . It wasn 't just their bank accounts , either . They transferred loans , credit cards , and a lot of other things that helped keep the bank open and profitable . Sunday , Vicky felt pretty good about going to church . With currency showing up in her file folder on a daily basis , she decided to help the church a bit more , as well . After church , Pastor Harris sidelined her again . " I know you helped Paul Fortek at the farmers ' market . I also heard you volunteered to take some of his people to it this coming week . After your challenges , that was a very charitable act on your part . " Pastor Harris nodded and reached into his pocket for two envelopes . " He sold all that you gave him . He took some out to repay you for transportation . That is the second envelope . The first one is for Mr . Fortek . " The farmers ' market was Monday evening , and Vicky went to the Fortek farm right after work . Going there was her third trip , and it already felt like a normal thing to do . The driveway didn 't seem as bad this time . Maybe she managed to avoid the worst potholes . At the same time , Fortek and his light show might have done a little magic out here , as well . By the house , Fortek directed Vicky to back up to an outbuilding . There , the three wives immediately began loading the truck with the two flavors of amaranth leaves . The young leaves could be used as - is in salads . The mature leaves needed to be cooked , and were much like spinach . Vicky heard some people say they preferred the taste of the amaranth to spinach . Product continued to load , and while Vicky was aware that the kind man in Holdrege was able to sell all she took to him , it was hard to imagine whichever of the three wives decided to go , being to sell everything there . It just seemed too optimistic . Blondie got in with Vicky , solving that part of the question . At the same time , however , the truck rocked slightly . Looking through the rear window , Vicky saw the other two wives were in back . " How about when people arrive in town with no visible means of transportation ? That would seem to violate any number of things you consider natural laws . What about currency materializing inside a closed file folder located under the seat of a locked vehicle ? " Vicky shook her head . " None of it makes any sense . At the same time , I can see that 's how it is . Will Mr . Fortek join us ? " " He didn 't expect to see anybody but you , so we fulfilled his expectation . It was very simple . Your magicians do it all the time . " " You already gave us names , " came the reply . " You think of me as Blondie . The others are Raven and Red . Those names will work as well as anything I might tell you , and you will continue to think of us in those terms in any case . " Vicky got the truck moving before she said anything else . " The three of you being able to access my mind whenever it suits you is weird . Communicating when you are somewhere else is one thing . This is something else altogether . " " There is nothing to it . You think of yourself as substantial when there is so much space between your various elements . Most of the universe can pass through you without your even being aware of it . " The negotiations continued the rest of the way to Alma . As she parked , Vicky concluded , " I will leave this file with all your money here in the truck . I 'll throw something over the folder , so it isn 't obvious . I 'll also make sure to lock the pickup . You should take the money but leave the file . I need something to file my paperwork . " There was no reply , and she wasn 't going to wait around for one . Julie was already there when she walked in . Fortunately , it was still before the time to open the bank . Besides , Roger wasn 't there yet , either . Perhaps Paul Fortek was keeping his word about watching out for her well - being . On the other hand , Vicky considered , Paul wasn 't doing all that he could . " It may look that way , Julie , but I didn 't see too many people over the weekend . There were a few minor irritations this morning , but I 'm hopeful they will not bother me anymore . " " It was the usual chatter about prospects for harvest and where livestock prices might go . There was nothing about anybody with family problems . Come to think of it , nobody mentioned any lights in the sky , either . It 's as though they never happened . Did you come down here to church again ? " Julie was about to say something , but Roger walked in just then . Whatever it was , Julie evidently decided their boss didn 't need to hear it and went over to the teller station . Roger seemed to be in a good mood as he said good morning to both of them . Vicky had gotten into the habit of keeping an eye out for the Feds showing up , but that didn 't happen . Roger came back out soon after that to remind them that this was the day the Chamber of Commerce would visit the bank . Such visits included coffee and cookies . With no customers just then , Julie went into the back room to get the big coffee maker . Vicky 's part was to go down the block to a bakery to get a selection of cookies . On the way , she opened the truck . The file was now nearly empty . Fortek forgot a hundred dollars worth of twenty - dollar bills . Maybe he was taking care of her situation after all . She took the money and relocked the truck . Buying the pastries was another thing Roger would promise to reimburse but never get around to doing . Alma , with a population of a thousand , was the county seat . Vicky considered it remarkable the town had an excellent bakery in addition to the sandwich shop . Many of the small towns in the area had trouble keeping people , but Alma figured out a way to do it , at least for the moment . Alma was at the intersection of two well - traveled highways and was on the shore of the second largest lake in the state . That certainly helped local businesses . This time , Vicky could get the pastries without having to short - change her food budget . That was a nice touch . Come to think of it , if a few stray twenties showed up now and then , it wouldn 't be a bad thing . She got back to the bank in time to set out the goodies before the Chamber members arrived . She knew there wouldn 't be any strange faces . Except for this time , the Chamber used the visit to announce a new Chamber member . The town newspaper 's reporter and photographer were on hand to record the occasion . Vicky wasn 't surprised when the new member turned out to be Paul Fortek . Paul talked briefly about his specialty crops and also about how he hoped to grow grapes and eventually build a winery . The man had been studying , as he said . His presentation almost sounded like a bona fide business plan . Some of the other business owners chatted with him as though they 'd known him for years instead of a few weeks . Vicky didn 't think she would see a car outside . Like the farmer 's market fellow noted , he just went where he needed to be . Nobody there found anything about him odd . Interestingly , that included Rhonda , the real estate broker , with whom he shared a moment of small talk about business . Vicky began to wonder about the depth of the rabbit hole into which she 'd fallen . It was true the pills and advice her mother gave her had done nothing at all . If that was the case , what character did Fortek play ? He switched characters at will . One character was the Cheshire Cat . In this instance , it was his eyes instead of his grin that stuck around . Julie suddenly tittered like a schoolgirl . If Fortek hadn 't already conquered Julie , she was his now . Vicky felt embarrassed for her co - worker but could understand Julie 's reaction to the situation . At the same time , Fortek did not react at all . He just smiled and made something like a courtly bow . Then he left the bank . Julie stood , staring at the door for a long moment . Vicky had a feeling that if Julie ran to the door and looked outside , Paul Fortek would be nowhere in sight . It was strange how quickly a person could accept as fact what was physically impossible . Roger smiled in a shy way and took the tray to Julie . The plate sliding in front of her broke that hypnotic gaze toward the closed bank door . On a whim , Vicky looked up amaranth 's symbolism . Seeing it was a sign of immortality somehow seemed appropriate at the moment . It also meant nothing at all . Looking up , she saw Roger placing the tray on the counter where customers could make up deposits . He didn 't take anything for himself . At the same time , Julie was back at her station , nibbling on the cookie and smiling at nothing . It was good to see everybody being happy and getting along with one another . Perhaps that was all the meaning there was to any of this . Vicky had a lot of trouble getting to sleep . She knew that was necessary since she had to go to work in the morning . In spite of it , her mind kept chewing relentlessly on the problem . In spite of the effort , she was making no more progress on the problem than a gnat trying to eat an elephant . At last , she got drowsy and began to nod off . That was when small orbs of light began to circle inside her bedroom . Was she finally asleep and dreaming this ? The orbs swirled in an increasingly tight pattern . Then it coalesced into a human shape . It was Paul Fortek . Now she knew she was asleep and dreaming . Maybe it was a nightmare . In spite of the fact that her bedroom was dark , she had no difficulty seeing his face . That was another vote for this being a dream . All at once , she saw the face smile . Now that was a twist . " I see a vision in a dream or nightmare . That same imaginary thing informs me it is not a dream . Now this is something new . " " There is no way for me to convince you of the reality of our conversation right now . On the other hand , when you get up in the morning , you may find something you could not have done . Perhaps then you will know . " " That sounds as reasonable as anything else I 've heard lately . What is not reasonable is imagining that a man is in my bedroom while I 'm trying to sleep . I know for a fact that I locked all the doors . " " I have kept watch over you , and know that you have suffered lots of stress because of my situation . That was not our intention or purpose . We did a great deal in error . There was so much that we did not know . We could not know all the things we needed . " " I see your point but want you to know my position in the case . Besides , I was the one who sent the pastor to you at that time . You should know that . " All the pieces of the puzzle dropped into place with that remark . The trouble was that the answer was too easy and too pat . Reality never worked that way . Vicky needed to change the subject . He leaned over and put his hand on her forehead . All at once , she felt her muscles begin to relax , starting with her neck and body . Soon the relaxation was working its way to her fingertips and toes . Vicky 's eyes then closed naturally . Vicky 's eyes popped open a minute before her alarm was to go off . She felt rested and energetic , flipping off the alarm and heading for the bathroom . She reflected on the strange dream she had last night as she started to put on her makeup . Then she noticed the small wrinkles in her forehead had disappeared , and she recalled the last act of the dream man in putting his hand there . The man in the dream said he would leave something for her to know it wasn 't a dream after all . If that was true , then he was fixing her face just like he repaired the truck . That was something beyond amazing . She never took very long with her make - up , and today took even less time than usual . Other than staring at herself in the mirror , that is . Her apartment 's living room , dining , and kitchen areas were all open concept . To be blunt , it was all one room . On the coffee table was something very strange . When she examined the thing , it was a roll of currency very much like the one Fortek took out of his coveralls . The roll of currency nested in a bed of amaranth leaves . That meant it was a tasty little dish with a value she didn 't care to think about even if she could estimate it pretty well based on the Fortek deposit . Vicky did consider the situation as she drank a little orange juice . There was no way she could do anything with the cash . There was also no place safe to hide it . She did have a safe deposit box at the bank . That was probably the best spot for it until she could come up with something better . She had an accordion file in the bedroom . There was not much time , so she dumped the contents on her bed . She could organize that paperwork later . Vicky flattened the currency as best she could , and separated it into four stacks which then inserted into the file . At that point , all she could do was get out the door and down the road to work . The response was immediate and sounded like he was sitting in the truck with her . " Yes , I am . I also see that my attempt to make your life better somehow managed to make things worse again . " Vicky framed her thoughts . " This world believes in limited resources . Some people accumulate more than they need . We call them wealthy . A few try to get resources by taking them from others . We call them criminals . If I spend resources everybody knows I could not have earned from my job at the bank , everyone will assume I am a criminal . Could you take it back , please ? " There was a pause , similar in length to when she asked him questions at the bank . " Yes , I can do that . Still , I would prefer you keep it . " Vicky mumbled all the way into Holdrege . While it was a nice sized town , finding people and places , even in neighborhoods not usually in her routine , was not a big deal . It didn 't take long for her to locate the guy the pastor claimed had offered to sell the greens . He lived at the edge of town with an extensive garden . His wife directed Vicky to a shed behind the garage , where he was organizing the produce that he planned to take to the farmer 's market . She brought the two boxes and set them where he pointed . The man barely broke his workflow to indicate where he wanted the boxes placed . It was clear that what she brought was the smallest addition to his offerings . It was very likely that nobody would notice anything strange about a few packages of exotics . He already had some fairly unusual things out . The man hadn 't stopped since she arrived . Now , though , he froze in place and looked at her . " Pastor Harris has a unique way of getting things done . He converts good intentions into commitments , leaving a person no way to get out of it . I also informed him this was a one - time deal . That makes my answer the same whether you were asking about the greens you brought or why I became a member of his church . For that matter , it 's probably the same reason you agreed to bring the stuff here in the first place . " Vicky decided to pursue something more constructive . " Tell me , are there any available spaces for new vendors at the farmer 's market ? I suggested they sell the greens themselves . " The man chuckled . " I have never seen them turn anybody away . Just a guess now , but I think somebody we both know planted the thought in your mind . He does it so cleverly that it may be a long time before you figure out how he did it . I wouldn 't be surprised to hear that you volunteered to take them since they don 't have transportation . " Vicky nodded . " I 'd love to spring one on you , but that is not the case . You will not be surprised at what I did . Yes , as a matter of fact , I voluntarily offered to take them to the farmer 's market . " He turned around to face Vicky at that point . " At the same time , Pastor Harris is not the only talented person in this deal . Think about it . I can guess that whenever our new growers decide they need to be someplace , they simply show up . After all , they arrived here , didn 't they ? " " I witnessed that in action . The man turned up out of nowhere to open a bank account . He didn 't get there in a car , as far as I could tell . There were no vehicles on his farm , either . I also noticed that whenever they need to get word to somebody , it gets there without bothering with minor things like telephones or computers . If I didn 't know that stuff like that couldn 't happen , it would make me wonder . " " It certainly could . I have something to suggest at this juncture . It 's a thing that you and I need to do to preserve our sanity . We have to be glad that the two of us , at least , have our feet firmly planted on the ground . " He turned back around at that point , picking up the work where he left it a moment earlier . It was like he switched off the conversation . Vicky stood there for a bit , watching him and wondering about this strange conversation . At last , she shook her head and went home on the other side of Holdrege . The last time Vicky 's day went like this , she went to the bar . Since today was Sunday , the bar was not open . In any case , going there had not done the least bit of good . That left cocooning on the couch . Another possibility would have been to call somebody and try to get together for a while . Vicky even thought about that for a while , and finally concluded there was nobody she wanted to share anything with , much less anything important like today 's events . Once again , she felt as though everybody was steering her . What was going on ? Even the three wives admitted what they were doing was all role - playing . At the same time , they were quick to add there was no way Vicky could ever guess what was going on . At least with reality TV shows , the people in it wanted to be there . They had to apply , go through interviews , and sign contracts . What she experienced was like some invisible force decided to make her go a prescribed direction , similar to when they forced cattle through a chute . Considering where the animals went , it was an unsettling image , indeed . Vicky curled up on the couch and turned on the boob tube . She flipped through the few cable TV channels , all she could afford . Vicky soon discovered that even with the minimal content , there was no way to concentrate sufficiently to keep track of any show . Giving up , she went in and poured herself a bath . That seemed to help , at least a little . Later on , though , she looked in the mirror and found herself having the sensation of looking at Paul Fortek 's eyes . She thought she saw longing and hope in those eyes . That , she knew , was complete nonsense . A man walking around with three gorgeous women hanging on him would never have the time or energy to think about a plain Jane bank employee . He 'd already given back far more than she could ever give him . All of this foolishness with lights floating around were just her mind 's way of trying to account for what she couldn 't hope to grasp otherwise . Another vote for how silly it all was came from the realization that Vicky was not important enough for anybody to care about , one way or another . She seemed to hear a dissenting vote from a back corner of her mind . That large crew of Federal agents came to town for a purpose . For all she knew , they were still around . The thought bothered her enough that she peeked through the front curtains at the street . There was nothing out of the ordinary , but then , she saw nothing out of the ordinary when guiding Paul Fortek to the real estate office . The bottom line was that nothing fit , at least nothing that mattered . Vicky 's truck should be collecting rust out in a field someplace . People show up out of nowhere . Pastors stroll by at the precise time she needs somebody for advice . Not only that , but he doesn 't appear in the least surprised by what she has to say . He did make a case for Fortek being a human being , at least . That meant the man had meaningful and wealthy connections in agri - business research . He certainly showed up with the kind of funds she would expect from a large corporation . Over the next month , Vicky was true to her word about attending the pastor 's Sunday services . The fuel economy for her truck increased so much that she did not have to get gas as often , even with the additional trip to Alma . While not particularly pious , Vicky still had a sense of gratitude . She elected to express it by sharing the amount she would have spent on gas before all of this happened . That didn 't amount to a huge sum of money . At the same time , Vicky was still recovering from Tom , that freeloader . In any case , whatever she gave was more than Pastor Harris would have gotten before . As the first few cool snaps preceding fall came through , she had to admit that things smoothed out a lot . Vicky sometimes saw one of the Federal cars trailing her on the highway between Holdrege and Alma . The frequency of those sightings grew less over time . If she ran the operation , Vicky would have figured out some other way to do it . After all , every one of those Federal people earned more than she did . Then there was what it cost to house them away from home . Maybe there was a connection with the pastor . He didn 't say or do anything more since that first meeting . The timing did seem too good to be true , that first day . At the same time , the subject of Paul Fortek never came up again , even in passing . That included the bank and everywhere else in town . " I noticed something a week ago . The sandwich shop started serving young amaranth greens as an option on their daily specials . I had it and thought it tasted quite good . Then there was the cafe . I 've never known them for being adventurous in their menu choices . They suddenly had a contest to see who could guess the new vegetable served as a side dish . It turned out to be the mature amaranth leaves . There 's only one place around here that could supply that product . " " I did that to help everybody . I have extreme difficulty trying to contact Mr . Fortek . After all , he does not have a phone or internet . That 's where you can help him go forward . " " One of the people in the church is willing to take his produce to a farmer 's market . They are taking a bit of a chance since they aren 't growing it themselves . We need for you to go out to Mr . Fortek 's place and get some of the young leaves along with the more mature leaves and take it to the market . He 'll accept them on consignment . What he can 't sell will go to a homeless shelter . Here 's his card . " " I don 't think it will happen . If the Feds ask , you can say you 're doing a service for your church . That will be the truth , by the way . Mr . Jackson will bring the money next Sunday . That will include something for your time and effort . " Vicky took the card and headed out , keeping an eye out for wandering lights in the sky . She never saw any , but that didn 't mean much . As for tracking her , all the Feds had to do was put an electronic tracking device on her truck . Then , they could watch her trekking back and forth in the comfort of their home office . If she needed to prove mileage for something , she should be able to refer the tax people to this agency . Needless to say , Homeland Security would neither confirm nor deny anything . The now precise steering enabled her to miss most of the potholes going up to the house . All the mechanical parts and pieces stayed together . It turned out to be a good thing that nothing broke because Paul Fortek was not at the house . Instead , she got to deal with the three wives , who came bouncing out of the house to greet her . The red - head grinned at Vicky through the windshield . " You think this is a television show and that we 're all acting - playing parts . You 're right , but not in the way you think . " Vicky blinked . Strange as he was , she would have preferred to deal with Fortek . " Since you don 't have a phone or internet , is that a message I 'm supposed to relay to Pastor Harris ? " " He is a nice man , isn 't he , " Raven replied . " We have ways to let him know necessary things . Tell him anything you like , dear . " Vicky suddenly had a thought . " I think the three of you could do very well , selling at the farmer 's market . You ought to give it a try . " Vicky sighed . Yes , that was the whole point of this game . Pastor Harris undoubtedly designed the whole thing . " I suppose I could take you there . You could sell out of the back of the truck until you get enough money to get a table and other things . " The man of the hour strolled up then . Vicky again noted how precise the comings and goings of this entire cast of characters managed to be . She should compliment the director . Vicky put it on the list of things which she should do but would never get around to doing . Vicky needs good advice and at that moment sees a local pastor . He gives her some strange counsel . The timing and recommendations seem too good to be true . Vicky didn 't have the last word . That came from the senior Fed . " If you remember anything , give me a call . Here 's my card . " That sounded like something straight out of a police procedural show on TV . While spoken politely , and with a straight face , Vicky picked up underlying menace in the phrase . She had no idea what to do or who to talk to about the situation . Julie certainly didn 't qualify . Anything that went in her ears came out at the cafe and went directly into the community consciousness of the entire town . With all of that on her mind , Vicky was on autopilot for the afternoon . About three , she saw one of the local pastors walk by outside , heading for the store . She didn 't know him personally but recalled people talking about what a kind and understanding person he was . There were also comments about how he managed to solve some problems even the sheriff couldn 't handle . Shortly before closing , the two Feds and Roger left . How Roger suddenly become their best buddy was beyond Vicky 's comprehension . All three studiously ignored her as they went out the door . That was a huge warning sign in her mind . Wherever she went and whatever she did would be under the Federal microscope . That was in spite of the fact that she had not withheld anything - well , nothing that would constitute legal evidence . The hired help all being nubile young women and his referring to them as wives could not have anything to do with whatever secret mission these people thought they had . " I don 't mind sharing it with you . In fact , I want to . At the moment , I 'm afraid the Feds may have cameras and microphones pointed at your window . " He smiled and nodded . " In that case , I have a room that should make you feel a great deal more comfortable . Bring your coffee and come with me . " " Ah , the bunks are in the room over there . Rations and water are behind door two . My parish takes good care of me . Most of this goes back to the Cold War and Mutually Assured Destruction . They even surrounded these rooms with a Faraday cage . It 's a thing which prevents electronic eavesdropping . Have a seat . " All at once , Vicky felt safer and more secure than she had in a long time . Clearly , there was a great deal more to the pastor than appeared on the surface . She poured out the experiences of the last two weeks , including everything . The pastor listened patiently and didn 't seem particularly astonished at any of it . " We have two possibilities with this situation , " he told her . " Paul Fortek may have invented some new process or procedure that will give two crops per year from a single field here in Nebraska . You already understand that would be an amazing thing to have , and the large corporations would do anything to obtain it . The government might well assist in that regard since that would give them enormous leverage with other nations . " " Indeed it would , my child . Then there is the possibility that Mr . Fortek and his three assistants , wives , or whatever they might be in their native culture , are not of this planet at all . The flashing lights and the things he did to your truck as well as to his house support that . The huge amount of progress in two weeks also points in that direction . " " I believe they are all children of God , just as we are . I also know that we answer directly to God , not to an assembly of men with a lust for power . We need to do what we can to assist Mr . Fortek . That is , we need to help him as long as he is doing good work . " " I have no idea . The answer may come with prayer . Unfortunately , answers come more often with people 's actions . Tell me , if you arrived here with the incredible power you 've seen them use , what would you do ? " " Movies and books have speculated about many reasons . Most of the reasoning bases on why people went to new lands and what they did on arriving there . They wanted resources and to spread their religious beliefs . They managed to spread disease while they were at it . " The pastor nodded . " My Bible says to preach the word to every creature . There is never an instruction to kill those who disagree with you . The fate of those people is with God , not man . We should follow those who do God 's will and let the rest go in peace . We should go back upstairs now before our absence creates questions . " " My child , " he told her softly , " we must all do what we can . I know you are not with my flock . If you see some way to come down here on Sundays , perhaps I could continue to help you in whatever way I can . " Vicky considered that as she stood in the doorway . " You know , I will see about doing that . Thank you , pastor , for the counsel and the coffee . " Vicky felt better than she had in quite a while as she headed for home . The fact that Homeland Security was almost certainly watching her no longer seemed as large a problem . There was still the possibility this was all a TV program , and the pastor was in on it . At the same time , she had to trust someone . Summer ended with a thud . Winter was far worse than any ever seen . Harlan resembled Siberia or Antarctica more than Nebraska . The six hundred barely survived a perfect storm of catastrophes which nearly wiped out humanity . Now came frigid temperatures and piles of snow , leaving them desperately hanging on to their lives and sanity . Deputy Vince , the last lawman , discovered a woman hidden by families in Ragan . Vince knew everyone in Harlan , but not her . The only other survivors were terrorists sworn to kill everyone in Harlan . Who was she ? It was a problem Vince had to solve quickly . Rick was the only computer programmer alive . His talent with computers was useless without electricity . He didn 't fit in . Both the county tycoon and the manager of the only ranch hated him . The local girls ignored him .
Well , it 's New Year 's Eve . It 's hard to believe that the year is already over . Sometimes it felt like the week would never end , but for some reason the year itself seemed to fly by . Weird . Even though Master and I are not feeling well , we still are having a good day . Master and I haven 't gone out for New Year 's Eve for a long time . In fact , in the almost 9 years we 've been together we 've only gone out on New Year 's Eve once . And that 's when He was working at a bar . He had to work that night so I was there too . No biggie . Since neither of us are big drinkers we don 't see the point of facing a bunch of drunk crowds in order to have a good time . Every year besides that one we just stay at home and watch movies . Sometimes we have a drink and other times we don 't . I can 't really drink while on my medication . There isn 't a " rule " or " warning " telling me that , but I have always been a light weight when it comes to drinking it 's much worse now on these meds . I never really cared about drinking anyway . So these days I 'll just have a few sips out of something He is drinking . But tonight , no alcohol . We 're just going to enjoy the night while pausing every now and then to cough or blow our noses . I feel worse today than I did yesterday , but that 's okay . At least it 's the first of my three day weekend . Now I 'm off to take a hot shower and hopefully loosen up some of this congestion . Well , it appears that it 's not sinuses . I do in fact have a head cold . And guess what ? I shared my germs with Master . I always try to be careful when I 'm not feeling well , due to His blood disorder that effects His immune system . But when you live under the same roof , sometimes it 's unavoidable . Thankfully it 's just a head cold and not anything worse . Although because of this damn head cold I 'm thinking about looking into private health insurance for Master . I have health insurance through my job . I would just add Him to that policy but it 's an additional $ 100 per paycheck . Not per month . Per paycheck . To me that 's a lot of money just to add one more person onto a health insurance policy . It sucks . So I think I 'll be looking into private health insurance for Him over this weekend and see what I can come up with . 2 comments : Even though this is only a four day work week , I am really glad that tomorrow is Friday . I have been non - stop busy all week and I haven 't felt good all week either . As soon as Tuesday hit I was knocked on my butt by this whole sinus / head cold / whatever the hell it is . Maybe I 'm allergic to work ? * sigh * It seems that it 's the worst at night , but since I 'm getting my tail kicked at work , it 's that much worse . I barely have a moment to breathe at work right now . Master had to pick myself and the other guy in our carpool today . The driver of the carpool couldn 't take us home due to a doctor appointment . We dropped off the other guy , stopped at home so I could grab something , and headed right back out to do a couple things that I had to be there for . Yesterday when I got to work I noticed that my throat was bothering me out of nowhere . Eventually it was more than bothering me . It hurt to talk . So I kept my mouth shut most of the day . When I got home last night I told Master that I was not feeling well at all . He had me relax on the couch and just try and recuperate . I 'm 80 % sure it is just my sinuses , but either way I felt like utter shit . As the night progressed my head started to feel like it was all stuffed up . My throat got worse . When I went to bed ( early at that ) I couldn 't get comfortable . I also couldn 't keep warm , which was really odd . I mean I 'm under a sheet and a comforter and I still can 't get warm . Eventually I went out into the living room to ask Master if I could wear one of His hoodies to bed . He said that was fine . Normally I sleep naked , so it probably took Master by surprise that I wanted to be dressed while sleeping . When I woke up this morning I felt about the same . If I had any personal or vacation time left I would have called in and gone right back to bed . But my time doesn 't renew for three months . So off to work I went . I took some allergy pills with me and have been popping those all day like they were candy . Thankfully tonight I am feeling a bit better . Now I 'm going to go relax and enjoy the rest of my night . Hopefully I won 't fall asleep early tonight . It 's been a long day and I 'd rather relax than sleep . Master and I sometimes just need to reconnect on deeper levels than the norm . Don 't get me wrong , Master and I always have a strong connection , or bond if you will . But it had been a while since we had sex and sometimes that is the best way to connect on a deeper level . A lot of people think sex is just sex . I have to disagree to a point . Yes , sometimes sex is just about getting off and having a good time . But last night ? Last night was more than that . It was a need to connect on that deeper level . A level that crosses the bridge from marriage to the dynamic . It covers all the bases . I don 't know why but my sex drive hasn 't been as high as it usually is . It 's not anything Master is or isn 't doing . It 's not anything I am or am not doing . It simply is a fact . It 's honestly extremely weird for my sex drive to be at what some would be considered " normal " . Normal for me is basically like having a low sex drive . Either my sex drive is full throttle or it 's just kind of on the back burner for whatever reasons . Lately it has been on the back burner . We 've been so busy with holiday stuff , work stuff , Him having insomnia , me being tired as hell from the season changes and work . Well , last night Master and I had just gotten done watching Netflix . We sat around and talked for a while . Eventually I asked Master what He wanted to do . He said He wanted to go fool around . He then asked if I was in the mood or not . Sometimes that really doesn 't matter but other times Master wants me just as raring to go as He is . Normally that isn 't a problem at all , but like I said lately mine has been a bit lower than usual . So I smiled , stood up , started walking to the bedroom while saying , " Maybe You can get me into it . " He chuckled at that and met me in the bedroom . He started off biting my throat to the point that I couldn 't breathe . He would allow me to gasp in some air before starting again . He turned me onto my back , gathering me to Him with one arm while using His free hand to apply pressure to my throat while He bit and sucked my tits . Needless to say it didn 't take me long to be hot and ready . But He kept me waiting . He would chew on one breast for a while and then nip at the skin directly under the other . It was hot , trust me . He then slid down and ate me out . By the time I came all of my nerve endings felt like they were on fire . I was more sensitive than I should have been . He gathered my hair and forced me to deep throat His cock while licking the underside . I did my best to breathe normally while He did this . When He was done enjoying that sensation He forced me onto all fours . He ordered me to cum shortly after He forcefully entered me and that 's all it took . My second orgasm of the night and I was already flying high on endorphins due to the biting and rough treatment . He ordered me to cum several more times before having me lay on my stomach so He could use me . When He came I bucked my hips hoping to bring Him more pleasure . It seemed to have work , given the fact that He was basically putty afterwards . And today I realized how badly we actually needed to reconnect like that again . I don 't know how to describe it . It 's just something that I sense . Hopefully we won 't wait so long to do so again . Today was the day to visit my side of the family . Due to the fact that we had multiple stops and we didn 't want to get home late we headed out around 9 : 30am . We went to my mother 's first . She loved her mug and her husband really liked his as well . I gave my brother one too . We sat around talking for a while and exchanged presents . We got a new set of pans , which we really did need , so that was greatly appreciated . My mom also gave me a fleece throw to cuddle up with on the couch . This will come in very handy for the nights that Master says it 's okay to sleep on the couch until He goes to bed . Much to our surprise my grandfather showed up . The one that just had a pacemaker put in . I felt bad though because I wasn 't expecting him to be there , so I had simply mailed his card . He said it was okay and not to worry about it . He gave us a gift card to a local grocery store , which is always handy . One good thing about my family when it comes to the holidays , they buy practical things . Love it . Another shock to the system was that shortly after my grandfather walked in the door my uncle , who I haven 't seen in three years , strolls in . He 's a cool , but weird guy . I gave him a big hug and he made a joke about not knowing who I am . Honestly , it 's not abnormal to not see him for long periods of time . He is very much the kind of person who lives in his own world . As I said , he 's just a very weird guy . Now while the above may not sound odd to you , as far as seeing my grandfather and my uncle there , it is . This particular grandfather and uncle are on my father 's side . My mother and father have been divorced for almost 12 years . My mother was part of the family since she was 15 years old . She was part of the family for about 23 years . My grandpa adores her and my uncle and her have always been good friends . So they still treat her like family . My grandfather headed out and shortly there after we did as well . My brother came with us over to my dad 's place . We were more than relieved when we realized that his girlfriend wasn 't there . We sat around and relaxed for a while . We only stayed for a couple of hours though . After that we dropped my brother off and then headed home . Once home Master put the stuff away ( as usual my mother sent us home with tons of stuff for the apartment ) and I took the dog out . Since then we have simply been relaxing at home . Master hasn 't been sleeping a lot lately , and last night was no different . Needless to say , He 's pretty tired after all this running on little to no sleep . Well , actually today was just His mother 's place . But today we were contacted by His sister - in - law saying that her , His brother and His father all want to get together with us in late January . We 've only hung out twice with His brother and his wife . We 've seen His father a lot more , but never have we gotten together with all of them at once . So it should be a lot of fun , and no I 'm not being sarcastic . I really like His brother , His sister - in - law and His father . We always have a good time . I don 't know if His niece and nephew will be there or not . So far it sounds like Master 's eldest sister won 't be there , which is fine by us . She 's a drunk and not a fun one . His two younger sisters most likely won 't be there but they are both under 18 and probably will be in school or at one of there school activities . But today we went to His mother 's . We had prepared ourselves for the worst , but to be perfectly honest it wasn 't bad at all . It did seem like His mother was mad at her husband , but that was about it . Dinner was really good . She gave us plenty of food to take home . She even gave us a lot of fruit , for no reason at all . They weren 't left overs from dinner . She just pulled out a bag and started tossing apples , pears and oranges in a bag and said , " Here ! " After dinner we exchanged gifts . They loved their holiday mugs with candy in them . In fact , His mother made sure to tell me that the shape of her coffee cup was the shape she loves for coffee mugs . It is wide at the mouth and tapered down as it got to the bottom of the glass . Bonus there . Her husband liked his coffee mug too . They gave us a card with a $ 50 gift card inside . We said thank you very much . We really appreciated it , and again I 'm not being sarcastic . Well , right before dessert His mom is standing in the kitchen leaning on the counter and asks Master if he wants some of the crackers and cheese that are sitting next to her . He kept saying no . I could tell by the look on her face and the way she insisted that she didn 't really want Him to eat the crackers . She just wanted Him to come talk with her . So finally Master understood and went by His mother . Her husband and I were sitting in the living room . We could see them , but they were talking quietly . I didn 't know what was going on . I was just hoping everything was okay . Well Master walked over to me afterward and handed me something and told me to put it in my purse . It turned out to be a $ 50 check . I was shocked . I mean , they had already given us a gift card . And I 'm not one of those people that expect anything during the holidays . So an additional $ 50 out of no where ? Wow . On the way home I asked Master what had been said . Apparently her husband has been sending quite a bit up to his family in Minnesota . It had annoyed her that he thought the gift card was enough . So apparently she decided that day , right before we came over , that she was going to write a check for us on top of the gift card . That was very sweet of her . I don 't think her husband was trying to short us or anything . He likes us , but I think he was doing it to make up for the fact that he moved away . I think that still bothers him sometimes even though all his children are all grown . Right when I think I know what is going on in my mother - in - law 's brain she shocks me , like today . She 's not all together a bad person . But she can be two faced . However , it seems as the years go on she is becoming nicer to us . I think she 's starting to realize that we 're all she really has as far as family goes besides her in - laws . I don 't know what 's up with me today but I do not feel the greatest . I 'm not sick . I just feel blah and kind of listless . As a result , I 'm not really acting like myself . I don 't feel very affectionate and haven 't most of the day . That is really unlike me . I am normally very affectionate and cuddly . It 's like I 'm moving through a fog . It may have something to do with just starting my period , who knows . ( You 're welcome for sharing that bit of information . ) I feel drained of energy and just very , very blah . Master has of course noticed all of the above and has been asking me what 's wrong , what my mood is like , etc . Honestly nothing is really wrong . I 'm just listless and my brain feels bogged down . It 's like I 'm thinking and moving in slow motion . I feel tired , but when I tried to take a nap I couldn 't fall asleep . Last night was about the same though . I had asked to stay up late when I got home because I felt very much awake . He said yes . Next thing I know I 'm ready to pass out at 10 : 30pm . Well , the holidays are right around the corner . As a result , this whole week has been figuring out what time we 're going where . Master and I do not host for any holiday . It 's easier , and preferable , to just go to other people . So , Saturday around 4pm we 're going to His mother 's . The problem is she doesn 't know what time dinner is going to be ready . So we have the very real possibility of being there for two hours before we eat . That wouldn 't be so bad , except for the fact that we then stay for an hour or two to be polite and then suddenly when we bring up the fact that we should get home , she brings up the fact , out of no where , that there is dessert . Again , to be polite we stay and eat that . Then we stay a bit longer to again not be rude . So normally , when we go down to her place at 4pm we aren 't getting out of there until 9pm and we have a 45 minute drive home . So Saturday is most likely going to be a long night . But hopefully it 'll be more like last year where we actually had a decent time rather than the norm which is to be pissed off the minute we walk out the door . * fingers crossed * Then Sunday is my family 's turn . First , we 're going to my mother 's . We are in no way , shape or form worried about that . It 's relaxed at my mother 's . Then comes my father . It 's not him I 'm that worried about it 's his bitch of a girlfriend . But see , Master , my brother and I came up with a plan . My brother isn 't looking forward to going to our dad 's place either . Well , my brother 's sons are being dropped off at three for him to spend time with them on Christmas . So , what we 're going to end up doing is Master and I will go to my mom 's and have a good time for a few hours . Then , we 'll take my brother over to our dad 's house . He 'll act as another buffer in terms of our dad 's girlfriend . We basically want to seriously outnumber the bitch so maybe she 'll keep her fool mouth shut . Then , since his sons are being dropped off at three , we 'll have an excuse to leave and take him home . I don 't want to sound cruel , but it is what it is . I enjoy spending time with my dad most of the time , but his girlfriend makes it so that no one really looks forward to going over there anymore . And you can 't get the two of them apart . We 'll spend a couple of hours and then take my brother home and go home ourselves . I used to be one of those coffee drinkers that only had one cup a day , maybe two . And even then I didn 't want to drink more than that because it used to upset my stomach a bit . But it seems that you start building up some kind of tolerance after a while , much like alcohol . For instance , today I had four cups of coffee . And lately that 's like the minimum . I think the most I 've had in one work day was six cups . That was one of those days where I just could not wake up and focus . I had to keep drinking it to function , or at least it felt that way . Thankfully Master takes good care of me . Last night I was laying on the couch watching TV with Him . Normally my bedtime is between 11pm and 11 : 30pm . But last night as soon as it turned 11pm Master was telling me to go to bed . I sighed a bit , but I knew that if He was sending me to bed at 11pm I must need the rest . Sometimes I don 't really admit to myself how tired I am . And then there are the times where I don 't even realize how tired I am until my head hits the pillow and I 'm under the covers . Master came into the bedroom and tucked me in though . When He tucks me in He has me get comfortable on the bed , makes sure my alarm is set and then He lays on top of the covers next to me and puts His arm around me . We lay like that for a little while with some light talking . Then eventually He kisses my forehead , tells me to sleep well and then goes back to the living room . Well , I wouldn 't even really call it a breakdown . Just a minor slip of the gears in my head . I was at work today , obviously , and I was getting more and more frustrated with my job . The kinks have been worked out of the new process , now it 's just convincing our clients that yes , we really do need all the information we are requesting . And no , I don 't want a 20 page report to sift through in order to find said information . As if I am only working on that one case . Pfft . It was towards the end of the day and I was sitting at my desk . I was trying to convince myself to not tear up papers on my desk . Thankfully , I was able to control that urge . But shortly there after I just started crying out of nowhere . I was able to get myself under enough control to stop crying and wipe my eyes until I made it to the bathroom . Once there , I immediately shut myself into one of the stalls and allowed the crying to take it 's course . It was odd , but I did feel better afterwards . I told Master about it immediately . He keeps a strict eye on such things , thankfully . About an hour after it started it was as if it hadn 't happened at all . Weird . One thing I did do today was e - mail HR . Due to privacy laws they cannot request information on any medical disorders you have or what medications you are on . With the two meds I am on , there can be severe side effects if mixed with certain other drugs . So I finally sent HR and e - mail and stated that I would like to voluntarily provide the medications I am on and what dosage . I did not provide the condition ( bipolar disorder ) that I am taking them for . I 'm sure legally they wouldn 't even be able to look up the meds to know what they are for . No one at my job knows that I am bipolar and I want to keep it that way if at all possible . I am not so much embarrassed by it but concerned that it could somehow be seen as a condition that would hinder my job . But to be perfectly honest , with my work ethic and proof of my work being sound I don 't see that happening , even if they did know . However , I do not want to take chances . Lately He has been having me roll over onto my stomach while I 'm half asleep only to shove His thick cock into me , causing me to wake up fully . He uses me , pins me down and spreads my legs by hooking His feet under my legs . I think , for me , being used while I 'm still half asleep is pretty damn hot . I don 't have a chance to consent . So while I haven 't been allowed to get off , it is still a huge turn on . I know for most people that won 't make a lot of sense , but to others I 'm sure that it does . For instance early this morning Master had woken me up by using me . As soon as He was done He laid down on His side of the bed , pulled me up against Him and we both fell back asleep . I love cuddling immediately after being used . I think it is a showing , on His part , that even though He uses me He still enjoys being gentle with me as well . After I woke up later I got out of bed and Master had me sleep a little longer as He still has not been sleeping well . About an hour later I went to wake Him up . He rolled onto His back and lifted the sheet and blanket up . This is my sign to lay down next to Him and place my head on His chest . Sometimes on the weekends He has me do this . He enjoys the cuddle time before having to get out of bed . I can 't say that I mind it . * smiles * After a while we both went into the living room and woke up a little bit . He said that He wanted a blowjob . I asked if He wanted to sit in the recliner or go into the bedroom . He said that the recliner was fine . So He sat down , I knelt in front of Him and He gathered my hair . He allowed me to go at my own pace for quite some time , but as He got closer to orgasm He basically pulled and pushed my hair to control my head and there for my mouth . It 's almost like He 's using my mouth to jerk off , which again is pretty hot . My brother and I sent texts back and forth today . He sent me a text this morning ( my brother hates to talk on the phone ) stating that he had gotten up the money to get a tattoo when he comes up . His exact words : " Are you excited to watch me suffer ? " Why yes , yes I am . * smirks * And not because he 's my baby brother . Well , my baby brother who will be 27 years old soon . There are only 22 months between us . My mom and dad wasted no time apparently . Ever since I started getting tattoos , which was 10 years ago , he has been wanting one . I got my first tattoo shortly after my 18th birthday . In the past 10 years I have " collected " 11 tattoos . I plan on collecting at least one more . I would like to make it to 13 though . Why ? I 'm not sure . I 'm sure there is some kind of weird twisted part of my brain that thinks it 'd be cool , simply because it 's the number 13 . Unfortunately he was never able to do that until now . I know he 's a little nervous about it and I don 't blame him for that . Most people are . But since my first one I have become addicted . As soon as I get my next one ( which is finally planned out completely ) I plan on starting to get touch ups on the ones I have that could use it . But back to my brother . He is excited and he wanted to make sure that my Husband and I are there when he gets his first one . As I said I have 11 tattoos and Master has 6 . So my brother trusts us and he feels it will be a bonding experience on some level . Plus , since he 's nervous I 'm sure he wants us there for moral support basically . The title of the post is , I 'm sure , rather obvious . I won 't have the money to get ink ; and I thought it would have been fun for us to get ink at the same time . But , I don 't want to blow our budget out of the water , so I 'll wait . I 'm being responsible instead of impulsive . I hate it , but I 'm doing it . ( Damn responsibility is standing in the way of one of my addictions ! ) I 've been thinking about this whole getting a new job thing . On one hand it will suck . Why ? Well , lets go down the list shall we ? I 've been at my job almost three years . It 's the longest job I 've had . I know that doesn 't sound like a lot but it 's pretty impressive to me . I didn 't mention job security , even though the field I work in is most definitely not going away anytime soon . But then again , in my mind , no job is secure . Once you start feeling secure in your job , in my opinion , that 's when things could go wrong . I always try to continue and be better at what I 'm doing and grabbing management 's eyes for good reasons . I am striving for a job closer to home or at least on a bus line . That way I can pay my monthly bus pass fee and be good . But preferably I would like the job to be close enough to home that I can take the car back and forth and gas prices won 't rape me in the process . My current job , even though I feel I am making a good wage , is far enough from home that it would almost not make any sense when you toss the amount of gas a month into the mix . Right now I carpool , which is the only reason I 'm not actively looking for a job right now . Being able to wear jeans to work is all well and good . But I 'm getting to the point , which oddly enough I never thought I would say , where I want to have to dress up a bit to go to work . And I 'm not talking about khakis and a polo shirt . I 'm talking business professional clothing . I don 't know why . I think on some level it 's a mental thing . When I had to wear an uniform ( waitress , cashier ) I felt like an idiot . I hated them . At my last job I only had to wear khakis which at the time was fine . But now that I 'm getting a little older I want to feel like I 'm going to a " grown up " white collar job . Right now , even though the work I do is extremely serious , it doesn 't feel that way . By the way , I am in no way , shape or form belittling anyone 's job . You do what you have to do to make your mother fucking movie check ! ( Hello , Jay and Silent Bob reference . ) I 'm just saying where I would like to go and what I want . I feel that I have reached my peak at my job , as far as " title " goes . I can of course learn other aspects of the department , but that will not effect my pay wage . You still just get your yearly bonus , which sucks ass . Especially since there are so many different parts of the department . That 's about it . Well , I was thinking that even though I 'm not enrolling in college or anything of that sort , I can get certificates . I can become certified in Microsoft Office suite . And for the type of work I want to do , that would come in really handy and look great on a resume . I 'm starting to realize that I don 't remember a lot of crystal clear childhood memories . Why ? I 'm not sure . I just don 't . Hell , I 'm not even that old . When my brother and I were really young we would go to Grandma 's to sleepover . I mean , yes Grandpa was there too , but he worked so much that most of our time was spent with Grandma . She would pull out a small mattress for each of us . She had a spare bedroom with two beds , but we always thought it was more fun to sleep on a mattress on the floor of their living room . We would watch movies and eat popcorn . For dinner she would normally make pizza and then cut it into tiny squares . She would help us build a fort out of their dining room table . Their dining room table was huge so it was one hell of a fort , let me tell ya . She would sleep out on the couch when we stayed over . I remember waking up a few times when their grandfather clock would chime . I would look over and see Grandma on the couch and I would climb onto the couch with her . Then eventually I would go back to the mattress on the floor . Well , my brother figured it out as far as the weekend of the 6th goes . He actually called me shortly after I finished last night 's post . Apparently he convinced one of his friends to babysit his two boys until their mother pick them up . He 'll only be staying that Friday night and will have to be home before 3pm on Saturday . No biggie there . In a way , it 's probably a good thing that he 's only staying one night . It 's not that I don 't enjoy spending time with him , because I do . But I also value my alone time with Master . And honestly , it 's a little awkward to be fully dressed at all times while I 'm at home . It 's weird as hell , actually . I just really want it to be January . It 's not that I don 't want to spend time with my family for the holidays , because I do . It 's just that in January we have the ability to go out and have some fun for a change . I mean Master and I can have fun just staying at home ; . but we 're looking forward to the opportunity to just go out . We haven 't done that , by ourselves , in a very long time . Lately when we go out it 's with my brother or His father . It 's all well and good , but it 's not the same . I also plan on buying a few things for my " professional " work wear . Not a lot , but just get that ball rolling . As of March , or shortly there after , I 'll be looking for a new job simply because the driver of the carpool plans on heading out sooner or later and I don 't feel like making a 45 minute drive one way every day . Then again I loved it when my job was downtown . It was a lot easier . As soon as they moved to the next county it just sucked ass . Still does . Basically , I want a job closer to home , with the same or higher pay . I know . I 'm asking a lot . But at least I have some time to be choosy before jumping ship . The plan is / was for my brother to come up the weekend of the 6th so that we can hang out and celebrate his birthday early . ( He 'll be 27 . ) All was well and good . I thought we had this locked down . This evening I sent him a text asking if he was staying both Friday night and Saturday night or just that Friday . He sent me a text back saying that I would have to ask our mother . That made me do a double take . A little back story . He lives upstairs from our mother because he 's down on his luck , the poor guy . He 's trying to get back on his feet but for the time being , he lives there . So I sent a text back and was like " Whiskey Tango Foxtrot ? ! " Rather than going back and forth on text , even though he hates talking on the phone , he called me . It turns out that the mother of his two sons keeps changing which weekends he has their children . Basically she 's totally ignoring the child support / visitation order . My brother normally does give a fuck because he 's currently unemployed . He is going to college though , so as long as it doesn 't fuck with his class schedule he 's normally okay . Turns out that the weekend of the 6th was supposed to be his weekend off from the kids . Turns out she now wants to flip the script and have him have the children that weekend . So when he said I 'd have to ask our mother it was because he would need her to babysit . I flat out told my brother that there was no way in hell I was going to ask our mother to watch his kids from 3pm to 9pm Friday and 9am to whenever on Saturday . Nope . And it makes no sense what so ever to drive 45 minutes to pick him up at 9pm Friday night just to turn around and take the 45 minute drip back down there to drop him off by 9am Saturday . It 'd be a waste and we wouldn 't get a lot of time together at all . So I told him that he needs to figure it out and let me know . Either tell his ex that he can 't have the kids that weekend or just stay home . Either way I want to know sooner rather than later so I know whats going on and it 's not a last minute thing . I do admit I 'm really hoping he can come up that weekend . We always have a lot of fun hanging out . Really it 'd be the only weekend we could easily swing it . I really , really dislike his ex . I always did . She 's a cunt on wheels let me tell ya . If things don 't go her way , she throws a hissy fit like a five year old . She behaves worse than their 6 year old does . No comments : Work was rough today . I tried to concentrate as best I could , but it wasn 't really working . Thankfully my mother kept me up to date on everything . Grandpa actually ended up going into surgery an hour and a half early . This surprised me a bit . She let me know when he was out of surgery and when he was in the recovering room . After that they moved him to his personal room . He was eating a few hours later . He didn 't really want to , but since he is diabetic it really couldn 't be helped . He will be staying the night for observation and as long as all is well they 'll be sending him home early tomorrow afternoon . For whatever reason when I was told that the surgery went well I still wasn 't able to fully relax . I was calmer than I had been , but I was still on edge about it . I 've been jittery all day . Master has been doing His best to cheer me up . He let me cuddle while sitting His lap . He let me pick what we were watching . He 's just overall been very sweet . Tomorrow my grandfather is going in for surgery . He is getting a pacemaker put in . To be honest with you , I 'm a bit surprised they are doing it due to his prior medical history . However , they really do not have a choice . If he doesn 't get the pacemaker , he does not have long to live . His heart is not working properly . As a result , he is not getting enough blood up to his brain . He does not have Alzheimer syndrome . But he can be talking just fine one moment and then suddenly he 's talking about my dad and he says that he is my uncle . Or he 'll say that my brother 's two boys are my children . It 's just very saddening and scary all at the same time . I 've been trying not to think about tomorrow all this past week and weekend , but somehow it still keeps creeping into my mind . Today , of course , is harder . I don 't want to go to work tomorrow . I really don 't . I don 't feel like I will be able to really focus . I know that some people say you should keep yourself busy in these types of situations but I know that tomorrow I 'm not going to be able to provide my full attention to my job . I wish I could call in . Unfortunately I am out of personal time and vacation days . They will not renew until March . But honestly , if the worst should happen and my grandfather passes away , I 'm going to explain the situation to them and leave . I can 't see myself finding out that he has passed and then just keep working for however many hours . It 's not that I don 't think he is a strong willed man , I know that he is . But on the flip side of that coin he has had about five heart attacks , two bypass surgeries and is diabetic to boot . Not to mention the fact that he keeps talking about going to see my grandmother . My grandmother had passed away when I was pretty young . He has never remarried , he has not had a girlfriend , he has not even gone on a date . He was 52 when she passed . He 's now 72 years old . My grandmother was his life . He has been saying for at least 5 years that he just wants to go see ( insert my grandmother 's name ) . But he won 't give up on keeping up with his own health , thankfully . He once told my mother that he was worried that if he did it would be considered a form of suicide and then he wouldn 't be able to see her . Tis the season to spend money . Well , even though our finances are usually tight , thankfully on this past paycheck we had more than usual . That 's always a good thing . Apparently working my ass off has paid off a little bit . But even still , I 'm one frugal bitch , let me tell ya . The past few years Master and I have been getting all the adults in the family the same thing . By that I mean they all get the same present . Two years ago everyone got holiday themed coffee cups . Last year they all got holiday tins with a lot of candy in them . This year ? Well this year I kind of combined the two . All the adults are getting a holiday themed coffee mug with candy in it . Not very creative , I know , but I think they 'll like them . I got my nephews some toy cars , the same amount of cars so they can 't fight over them . We got Master 's niece a coloring book and crayons . We got his nephew ( who is literally only a month old ) some little booties with puppy dog faces on them and a fleece blanket . I also bought some things we needed for around the house , tape and gift wrap . After a few more stops I had picked up my medication , soda , dog food and rabbit food . I had gone shopping by myself . Master wasn 't feeling good this morning and I didn 't want to wait until tomorrow to get the running done . Plus , I was able to take advantage of the situation . Master had said that He didn 't want me to get Him anything for the holidays . It wasn 't an order though , so I ignored it . * smirks * He has been missing a video game that He use to have , so I went to the video game store and picked that game up . Granted it 's a used copy , but it 's not like He cares as long as it works . It 's Splatter House . He had traded it in a while back to get a different game He wanted , but recently He has been talking about it quite a bit . So I was sneaky and picked it up for Him . When I got back home Master helped me bring everything in and put everything away . I had sneaked the game in by putting it in a different bag . I made sure that He didn 't touch the bag . Once it was all said and done I told Him that He had to sit down . He looked at me like I was crazy , but I said " Master , sit down and close Your eyes please . " Again He gave me that look of , " What have you been up to ? " , which was kind of cute . He sat down , closed His eyes and looked impatient . I took the game out of the bag that I had buried it in and placed it in His hands . I said " Happy Holidays " and He opened His eyes . It was like He was a little kid getting a holiday present early . That put a big smile on my face . He put it in almost immediately and has been rocking out on it since . So 95 % of the holiday shopping is done . I couldn 't figure out what to get His two little sisters . One is 14 and the other is 10 . Yeah , His dad had his last child at the age of 50 . All told Master has one brother and three sisters , all of them younger than Him . When I got up this morning to go to work I noticed that Master was not in bed . I figured He was just in the bathroom or something , but it turns out He was sitting on our couch with the dog , reading a book . Apparently He had a really bad case of insomnia last night . My poor Master . I know how much insomnia sucks and I also know it 's not healthy . He 's had this for at least three weeks . He hasn 't been able to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time . However , He was kind enough to take the dog out for me , which was really sweet of Him . He went back to bed shortly after I got up . I got ready for work and thankfully the whopping four hours I was there went by at a decent rate . The ride home kind of sucked . Traffic on the interstate was fine , but as soon as we got on city streets it got clogged up . As a result I was home 15 minutes later than usual . Normally this wouldn 't be a big deal but we were meeting my father - in - law for lunch at 1pm . I got home at 12 : 45pm . So I basically walked in the door to announce I was home , Master tossed on His jacket and off we went . Amazingly we were still there on time . Lunch was a blast . My father - in - law has a lot of stories to tell about himself and his extended family . It 's great . There is never an awkward silence . We were there for about an hour and a half before having to say goodbye . He always gives me a nice big bear hug . * smiles * It 's always kind of funny though because he has to bend down so far to hug me . He 's taller than Master , and that 's saying something . I 'm 5ft 1inch . Master is 6ft 4inches and His father is 6ft 6 inches . I am surrounded by giants . After we said our goodbyes Master and I had some errands to run . We went to the store to check off some of the presents we need to buy for people . The store was of course packed , but even with that we were still out of there relatively quickly . We ran to another store , got what we needed there and then hit Walgreens . After that , we were finally able to go home . I think we got back about 5pm . Since that point though Master has allowed me to be lazy and comfortable . He said He is going to work on my lower back tonight , which I 'm looking forward to . And He 's also giving me the day off from taking the dog out tomorrow . Bonus ! This week has been really rough on me . My job has been kicking my ass and I 'm still not fully sure what the hell is going on . Why am I not sure ? Because my supervisor isn 't sure , that 's why . So I have this work load that is getting backlogged because I don 't know exactly how I should proceed and it 's driving me insane . I am one of those employees who wants to stay on top of my case load so that I have time to catch up on the small stuff as much as possible . That 's me . The somewhat over achiever . Not because I 'm trying to impress anyone , although apparently I do , it 's because it gives me breathing room . And this whole week there has been one thing or another when I 'm home that must be taken care of or is extremely frustrating . It 's not anything to do with Master , it has to do with services we are paying for that aren 't working correctly . Fuckers . I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday . And it 's my half day at that . Once I get home we 'll be having lunch with my father - in - law , so I 'm looking forward to that . I really like my father - in - law . I see a lot of Master in him , now that I 've gotten to know him better . He 's a cool guy . He calls me a firecracker . * grins * And he even told Master that he has to bring me with tomorrow . It 's nice knowing that he enjoys having me around as well and I 'm not some kind of awkward third wheel that he has to put up with just because I 'm married to his son , ya know ? After that we have some errands to run , but nothing major and we should be able to knock them out fairly quickly . I was reading blogs today and one particular post got my mind spinning a little , so I decided to come over here and talk about it . Some people think that mental disorders are basically all in your head . And by that , I mean that people think it 's all talk and made up shit because " back in the day " people weren 't diagnosed with such and such . It 's just shit we make up to " justify " how certain people act . I know better . I know that I am bipolar . I know that it 's not just me being a bitch or a drama queen . It 's a chemical imbalance and I need help regulating it by managing it with medication . And even then it has to be the right medication . Plus , who 's to say that people weren 't bipolar or depressed or have what ever other mental disorder . We just didn 't have the diagnosis . Bipolar disorder gets worse with age . I 'm a classic example of that . I would have mood swings but they never seemed that bad , at least not to me . And even Master will tell you that in the beginning of our relationship they weren 't nearly as severe as they were when I hit about 25 . It was at that time that I basically starting going all over the place in my head , in my moods , etc . I would break down sobbing sometimes because I didn 't know why the fuck I was acting or thinking the way I was . I seriously thought I had completely lost my shit . I don 't know if Master thought that as well , but I will say that He was as supportive as I would let Him be . Notice how I worded that . If I was flying high or going into one hell of an aggressive state , I wouldn 't allow Him to help me . Either I was way either way too happy to listen or I was way too pissed off . But when I was down and depressed and felt like I couldn 't cope with anything but a deep dark hole for me to crawl into I would depend on Him to help prop me back up . It was all incredibly unfair to Him . I admit that and I feel guilty for it . He tells me that I shouldn 't feel guilty , but when you put the ones you love through hell and back and you finally get help managing your chemical imbalance . . you start to realize what had actually been happening . Admittedly it 's not all clear . I can really only catch glimpses of memory when I was in those states , but it 's enough . If it wasn 't for Him though I never would have sought help . I am lucky to have Him . If He had given up on me and just said fuck it , I don 't know what I would have done . I know my medication isn 't a cure , but I do know that I am almost a completely different person now . I mean , I 'm still me . I 'm still Kitten , but I 'm a much more centered and balanced Kitten , which makes a hell of a difference let me tell ya . I think it would be kind of boring just typing away all the time on my blog but never go off to read others . I mean , I would still enjoy my blog . I would still enjoy writing . But I also like to peek in and see what others are doing too . No , I 'm not a stalker . Honest . I 've been reading blogs longer than I 've had my own . It 's actually how I first got interested in blogging and Master encouraged it . I 've been blogging since about 2007 , so yeah . . I 've been reading blogs for a while . I 'd say that I 've learned and keep learning the fact that everyone 's dynamic is ultimately different from anyone other dynamic you may come across . I know that some people want to try and shove you into this little box and define how things should be . Not to mention that if you aren 't doing it their way you are obviously wrong . I 've learned that not so much from blogging but from social networks for kinky people . Slave Register and Fetlife being two of them . Master and I were both members of each of those at one time . We would browse the forums and what not . And it just seemed that everyone wanted to classify everyone else . You 're doing this wrong , you 're doing that wrong . You 're not a slave , you 're a wannabe . You know , that sort of thing . It 's like High School where you are in cliques . Jock , nerd , popular , shy , etc . It seems no matter what people want you to fit into a particular category and Gods help you if you try and blur the lines a bit . Holy hell . Those are the main reasons Master and I are no longer members of those kind of social networks . I 'm not saying there is anything wrong with people going to such things , but it 's just not for us . We have our own ways of doing things and that 's how we like it . I identify as a slave and obviously Master identifies as a Master . The definitions , unless you 're going to a dictionary , don 't apply to everyone . What we consider to be our dynamic may not be recognizable to someone else as what we label it . I also learn from other blogs in so far as sometimes it triggers an idea in my head . Something I may want to try or talk about . That sort of thing . Do I compare out dynamic to others ? Not really . I mean I look at things the way I look at things . I can 't change my line of thinking to fit what I 'm reading . But on the flip side of that coin , I don 't judge anyone . I know their dynamic is different , I know their lives are different and who am I to say that they are wrong and I 'm right ? I simply just enjoy reading other blogs . I 'm sure not everyone who stops by here to read understands with or agrees with what we have outlined as Master and slave . * shrugs * No biggie there . Well , it started off as any other Monday . I didn 't want to get out of bed . The bed was warm , Master was laying next to me and I knew as soon as I got out of bed I 'd be chilled . Fun . I just wanted to shut the alarm off , cuddle back up to Master and pull the comforter over my head . Of course that couldn 't happen . So I got up , got ready for work , took care of the dog and then waited for the carpool to come pick me up . Traffic sucked and we barely got to work on time . We 're still working the kinks out of the new process and forms at work . I worked a half hour on one document , basing it off of what I had learned in the three training courses we had . I wanted to double check it with my supervisor since this is the first time I actually had to put it into practice . It 's a good thing I did . Apparently I had done it incorrectly as we had recently made more changes . So that was a half hour wasted . I had to start from scratch . That took me another 45 minutes . Fuck . Needless to say the work day sucked balls , in a very non - sexy way . On the way home Master calls me to tell me there is a problem that we have to handle when I get home . I don 't want to go into details about it , but basically I spent over an hour and a half on the phone with two different companies and while the problem was fixed , I wanted a refund from one of the companies because it was their fuck up . I upped it to a supervisor when the representative told me she was not authorized to give refunds . The fucking dick head supervisor kept blowing me off , quoting Terms and Conditions . Bitch I know all abut Terms and Conditions . I 've done call center work before that is customer service based . But apparently , this company doesn 't own up to it 's mistakes . Master even got on the phone with them after me bitching at them for a good half hour . You know it 's bad when Master gets on the phone . He hates talking on the phone . And He had me originally handle it because I keep track of these things . I know I didn 't fuck up . Master knows I didn 't fuck up . This was totally on the company . But oh no . Can 't be them . Even after Master bitching for an additional 20 minutes we still got no where . * sigh * After that Master and I watched a movie . Then we noticed that it was getting colder in the apartment , now that the temperature is dropping more and more . So at 9pm we decide it 's time to put up the plastic sheeting on the window in the living room and the one in the bedroom . We did it together , cause it really is a two person job . Once that was done He took care of the rabbits and I took care of the dog . It 's almost 10pm and I still have to take my bath . If the phone calls hadn 't taken as long , or needed to be done at all , I would have had everything knocked out by now . Okay , I knew I didn 't have anything to blog about . I even told Master that , but since He already let me slide once this week I wasn 't getting away with it tonight . It 's not that I don 't want to blog , it 's just that I can 't think of anything to blog about . Hm . Nope . Still nothing . I even went to the submissive journal prompt website and did the " random prompt " thing but every time one came up I didn 't really feel anything . I couldn 't find something that I felt I wanted to write . I think I 'm just in a kind of , " Eh " mindset right now . I had a headache all day long yesterday and woke up with it again today . It just went about about two hours ago . That doesn 't help . I was pretty cranky today but once my headache finally left I 've just been kind of here . I 'm enjoying my night and everything , but my brain feels empty . Although I do want to dye my hair sometime soon . You see , Master had allowed me to buy some box color hair dye and it had this really cool red color . I 'm a brunette . It wasn 't a natural red , it was more of an auburn . So I dyed my hair and it doesn 't look bad or anything . It just didn 't turn out the way I thought it would and I 'm not thrilled about it . My mother had a box of medium brown hair dye . She had bought it for my aunt because it was on sale ; come to find out my aunt had gone to a darker brown . So I got it . I am just waiting a little while before dying my hair again . I don 't want it any more damaged than it has to be . I thought about doing it this weekend but I think I 'll wait . Hell I might get sick of waiting and do it in the middle of the week . Who knows . Last night I asked Master if I could skip my post last night because I had really rough day at work and I just wanted to decompress . He allowed it , which I appreciated . However , today was not any better . Those changes to the main part of my job went into effect this week . Problem being is that we still don 't know everything that we 're supposed to do and we still don 't know everything we have to get from our clients in order to complete our paperwork . You have got to be fucking kidding me . So needless to say it 's been a really hectic and stressful work week . This morning I thought we had most of it down . But then as the day progressed I got several e - mails from my supervisor telling us x , y , z were changed . It was insane . This means that I couldn 't really do my job . And the stuff I had almost all ready to go , now has to be changed over to the new format . I had a bad headache about two hours into the work day and it still hasn 't fully gone away . I 'm frustrated and still trying to unwind . The stress of all these changes and updates and not knowing what the hell to do for the past week actually gave me a nervous tick right under my left eye . I used to get that at my last job . This sucks . Pretty isn 't it ? And it 's on sale ! Yay ! So now all I have to do is hope that it remains on sale and doesn 't go out of stock by the time I can afford it . I just think it 's breathtaking . By the way , Master loves it too . But one thing I have no idea about , is what finger you wear an anniversary ring on ? Is it the ring finger on your right hand ? Does it go on top of your wedding ring ? I 'm just curious what the " traditional " way of doing it is , even though I 'll probably end up wearing it on the ring finger of my right hand . That makes the most sense to me , but I don 't know what is " normally " done .
We had a wonderful visit with Dylan and Brittani . I finished training , and am working at my new job . I had reservations about it , but amazing things have been happening . Sometimes , I find myself dumbstruck . Really . This is a miraculous time . There is something wonderful about growing older . You don 't often hear about it in this youth obsessed world that we live in , but I 'm enjoying it . Mary wrote a piece about her boys on her blog . It struck a chord with Hal , because he 'd just come home to discover that his son had suddenly become taller than his wife . My youngest is 22 now . My oldest is 30 . Do I miss those days when they were all at home ? Yes . I do . Mostly what I wish for is ' do - over ' moments . The chance to do it differently , to do it better , or maybe just to be more recognizant of the fact that those days will not last forever , to do a little more savoring . But there is something wonderful about seeing them as adults . To watch your son 's relationship with a lovely and sensible woman grow strong and unbreakable . To discover that he behaves with honor even when his mother is not around . Watching your own daughter learning to be a mother to her own baby boy , to sit in the driveway blowing bubbles , listening to baby babble and laughing quietly together as the day eases into night . I 've watched Cara graduate from college . Not just simply graduate but to graduate with honors . I 'm at a point where I am watching them head off in their own directions and that is satisfying to me , to know that I have had a hand in their independence . It 's still exciting to me , even though I do not see them every day or even talk to them every day , for that matter . They are grown now , my legacy to this world , and I am discovering that there is something every bit as precious and golden about these days as those precious and golden days of childhood . You know , I 've got my own opinions on a great many matters , and what I believe is that those opinions apply to me and my own life . I believe that in the end , we will stand before God , and He will make a decision on the life that we have led . He will be the judge . I 'm pretty clear on the fact that I am NOT God , and in this case , that distinction frees me up from a pretty huge responsibility , and I am grateful for that . If I could have one wish in the whole wide world , it would be that everyone quit insisting that the world live according to their moral code . I wish that everyone would simply sit back and let God do the judging . Our rentals are on the same street that we live on now , so it is kind of cool that we have lots of ' neighbors ' . We had the carpets cleaned in an apartment yesterday , and went over last night to check on them and close up the windows . Our neighbor across the street hailed us . She was weeding out her garden beds in front of her house . " Do you want some vines ? " she called . I went over to grab a garbage bag full of them , and we sat talking on the porch steps as the day slowly turned to night . That 's one thing that I really like about living in town . There 's always someone to visit with . Somebody out walking their dog , the blind man tapping his way down the side walk calling out " God bless you ! " as you pass . There are the more doubtful characters as well , but they still they wave and greet you as well . Yesterday , a little boy called out " What are you doing ? " and then proceeded to tell us all about what he and his grandma were up to . I never minded living in the woods but we had no neighbors , no one to visit with . In town , they are everywhere . Surprisingly , I am discovering that I am far more sociable than I ever would have believed . Posted by You know , this slays me . He 's fathered 30 children , and wants us to give him a break because he works a minimum wage job . To my way of thinking , the young man needs to get a couple more minimum wage jobs . It would appear that he has way too much free time on his hands . My next thought is : just who are these women who take a look at Mr . ' God 's Gift to Women ' and think , " I want to make a baby with this man " ? They 're all stupid as rocks . I 've tried to see it in a gracious way , and I cannot . These are hugely stupid people and they are rocking the gene pool even as we speak . Speaking of stupid , here 's another one that has me shaking my head . I keep trying to reason this one out . The guy looks like a Ken doll , which isn 't a crime , I suppose , but , really , if you look at his plastic - looking face , and his plucked eyebrows , and his earrings and . . . well . . . his appearance just sort of creeps me out . I look at these Kardashian girls who are stupid and self absorbed , superficial , vain . . . I mean I 've never watched their show , but the only thing that these girls seem to be capable of is promoting themselves . What do any of them do ? What is their contribution to society ? And the patriarch of this family is father of the year . Maybe he shares his make up with them . Both these stories leave a bad taste in my mouth . Really . . . I need to hear some inspiring stories . Send me your links please . It was a very nice weekend , equal measures of hard work , and celebration too . We celebrated graduation with my sister Anna , and her husband Dave , and we have learned that when my sister excuses herself to use the ladies room , and takes a while to return , it does not mean that she has fallen in . It means that the sneaky woman is paying the bill . Thanks , you two . After celebrating , Tim and I came home and donned work clothes , and went to the apartment to work . It 's pretty much just finishing touches at this point . I scrubbed down the bathroom , and the carpets will be cleaned tomorrow . When we got there , our building 's sole tenant at this point was hard at work . Kelly had spent probably $ 100 of her own money and was potting flowers , and making a new flower bed in the back . A young man hovered . We assumed it was her boyfriend . He began to talk , and we began to worry . He was a friend of Vince 's , he explained , a former tenant . He did not seem to have any idea at all that this was not good news in our book . So I looked at him and said , " Well , Vince was not a very nice person . We did a good turn for him , and he turned out to be a user , and dishonest . " He assured us that Vince was doing well for himself now , a machinist for a plant in Ridgeway , far enough from here that we don 't need to worry about him . But the young man talked on , in a sad sotto voice , and we saw , right away , that he had a lot in common with poor Vince , who we had taken as a tenant only because his story was so very sad . Turns out when someone has a hard luck story , sometimes , their hard luck is due to their own poor behavior . We learned that the hard way , and believe me , we won 't get fooled again . ( Cue music ) I headed into the house and got to work . When Tim came in , I said , " Gees . You don 't suppose Kelly has picked up with the likes of that one , do you ? " in a worried voice . Kelly is special to us , a classmate of Cara 's , just recently diagnosed with cancer , so I feel a little like her mother , even if I 'm not . Tim grinned . " Noooo ! You don 't worry about hPosted by Today , walking out after the graduation ceremony , a hand reached out and it was one of my professors , my anatomy and physiology teacher . She said , " I knew you 'd do it ! " I was so surprised that I did not know how to answer . Plus there was a wave of people behind me anxious to leave the hot building , so I didn 't dare stop to figure out the words I wanted to say to her . Sitting here tonight , after the ceremony , after lunch to celebrate with Tim and my sister and brother in law , we came home and got to work . We worked for several hours on an apartment , and then came home to work in the yard and putting flowers in the heavy concrete urns , weedeating , setting out solar lights , killing weeds , sweeping , thinking , I figured out what I wanted to say to that teacher : " I was not sure that I would survive that A and P class , and I worked like crazy , and it was terrifying , because I knew that I could not afford to fail the class . Literally . And when I made it out of the class , with my B , I knew that I would make it too . Your class was my turning point . Thank you for your encouragement . " I will send her a card . There 's another teacher I have to thank too . I did not even realize . Today , Tim and I had to go to Walmart . I needed yet another antibiotic for this awful , awful cold . We were walking in the store when we ran into a woman who once told me , at school , that she was there , because of me . That she loved to read my articles , and those articles made her want to be a better writer , and she began to take classes at JCC . It was quite a surprise to hear that , that I had impacted the life of a virtual stranger , and it made my day on that winter day . So we greeted each other , and I said , " Are you still taking classes ? " and she said that she had taken a composition class with Mr . T - - - - - - - - . I smiled . " I like him a lot , " I said . " He was funny , and such a nice , nice person . " And she said in her heavily accented English , " Oh , he talk about you all the time . He very proud of you . " And she smiled broadly . " Really ? ! ! ! " I said , too surprisPosted by There 's a lot going on here . We 've rehabbed an apartment and are nearly done . A new tenant feels like it is where she 's meant to be . I 've discovered a wise new friend . I 'm still sick , unbelievably . This cold is heading into its third week . I don 't think the antibiotic is working , and have a call into the doctor to see if it can be changed . We were going to head out to see Dylan and Brittani this weekend , but discovered that I will not be starting actual work until after the Memorial Day weekend . A quick check with Dylan and Brittani indicated that this would be a better weekend for them , as well , so we decided to head out next weekend . Turns out that Tim wanted to go to graduation . He wanted to see me walk . At the last minute , I decided to do it . I 've spent the week in classes for this certification exam for a three day stretch . I spent evenings in orientation for the new job . It 's a busy time , a celebrating sort of happy time . I had a break between class and orientation yesterday , and so I took my lunch and a book and sat on Chautauqua Lake listening to the water lapping and watching people . I recognized clients and caregivers for the facility I now work for , walking , taking in the sun . I saw the Amish boy with a wondering look on his face as he took in the scenery from his wheelchair . I saw the blissful , calm look on his face as the sun caressed it as gently as his mother 's hand . I saw a very heavy man walking around and around the track with a determined look , and in my heart , I found myself cheering him on . I saw mothers with their children playing at the little playground . I saw a dog walk by with a happy tail to tell . He looked like Buck , and it made me smile . It has been such a long time since I had the time to look outside myself . It has been all about me , about my books and my studying . All about me . And now it 's not . Anyone care to join me in a happy dance ? You know what I hate ? I hate it when you get around to grabbing your laundry from the dryer three days after you put in in the aforementioned dryer , and discover that the aforementioned clothes are sitting there damp and mildew - y because they have not been dried . Might have been that you forgot to turn on the dryer . Might have been that you did not reset the timer on the dryer . Who knows . But there they are , and you discover that the whole load needs to be re - washed . I REALLY hate that . PS Please do not point out that if I was the sort of person who went down to grab her laundry from the dryer the same day she put it in , this would not be an issue . Thank you . Friday was my last day at Tractor Supply . I kept it quiet . Not a lot of need for telling that news around , but sometimes the time for telling that was right . A woman came in to buy mulch . She said , " Can someone load it ? My husband just came from chemo , and he can 't . " I said , " Absolutely . I 'll get that for you . " I walk out with her , and there 's her husband struggling with a bag . Their vehicle is pulled right up to the pile . She begins to yell at him from the door , walking quickly . There 's no need for that kind of excitement , because , really , what I see is that the gray faced man cannot do it . He 's trying , but he can 't , and while his hands are on the bag , he 's not trying to lift it any more . He just looks . . . I don 't know . . . lost . . . forlorn . . . maybe even a little scared , but he just stands there with his hands on the mulch , and he 's not saying anything at all . So we get there , and his wife is telling him , " You let someone else . . . " and I grab the first bag of mulch and begin to load it , easily . The woman says , " Boy , this cancer stuff just takes over our entire life . He 's got all these appointments and when we 're not at appointments , he 's just sick . " The gray faced man stands there , silent . I can tell he needs some encouragement , so I say cheerfully , " Oh , yeah , I know how that can be . I 've been out of treatment for three years now , coming up on my fourth anniversary . " It stops them , as it always does . They don 't expect to hear this . I could tell them that we 've got a tenant who went to school with my Cara just diagnosed with cancer . It has no respect for youth . The woman said , " Did you have chemo and radiation ? " and I said , " Yep . " and kept loading the mulch . The gray faced man doesn 't say anything , but he 's listening closely . I say , " It wasn 't fun , but there 's another side to it , and one day , you 'll be standing on the other side of it looking back too . " And I tell them that it 's my last day of work , that I 'm graduating and have a job in my field . And they listen interestedly . I close their tailgate , and I turn to the man , Another customer came in , he and his wife , and they 're looking for a hitching post to match the one they 've got . They are sure that they bought their hitching post at the Tractor Supply . I say , " Well , I don 't remember selling them , not ever , but I 've only been here two years . " The fellow has a white beard and big blue eyes , and he ponders a moment . He says , " Well , it 's been like 6 or 7 years , probably . " His wife looks surprised , and like she might disagree , but she pondered a moment , and says " Well , you 're probably right about that . " I ask them if they have a computer , and the man says , " Oh , yes , " and I tell them they might want to just type ' hitching post ' into the search engine , and see what pops up . They say , " That 's a good idea ! " and they head off to look around . By the time that they get up to the counter , they hear a reader / customer who says , " So when do you start your new job ? " I tell that person it 's my last day . They tell me that they will miss me , a lot . How nice is that ? I tell them that it 's been a great place to work , and that I 'll miss all my customers , too . The bearded man talks to his wife , and out the door he goes . He comes back , and he has a CD for me , a demo . He 's a musician , and he autographs his CD carefully to me . It 's old type music , with a few old hymns thrown in . It is my turn to say , " Awwwww . Thank you , " and the two of them stand there smiling at me . They tell me that they like my friendliness , and that they are sure my customers WILL miss me . Probably the biggest surprise was this one . A man is standing in line holding a big window box planter , and I 'm thinking , " Hmmm . I have to get my hinder outside on lunch break and look for them . I didn 't know we sold those . . . " and he thrusts it at me saying , " You must be Debby . " My name is on my apron , so it wasn 't like he was psychic . Turns out he was from the flower shop . My coworkers had chipped in . I was a little speechless . The customers in line were smiling and listening . " Honest to Pete , " I said . " They 're not going to be satisfied until I waYesterday , I watched Cara graduate , sitting in the audience with my other children and my grandson . It was a great moment . She graduated with a cord for summa cum laude , another cord graduating from the honors program , and a final cord for graduating with highest honors from the history program . It was a great day . Dylan and Brittani have a fine big camera , and next weekend , when we go there , they will load them on a thumb drive for us , and I 'll post them here . I heard them talking as they looked at the pictures . Cara said , " That looks professional , the way the background is blurred and the subject is clear . I love that ! " and Dylan said , " I 'd like to figure out how to do that on purpose , " laughing . " That 's bokeh , " I said . " BB knows how to do that . Go to her web site . " I think that they were a little surprised to hear that from my mouth . My picture taking is legendary . Really . It 's that bad , but in this case , those who can 't do know those who can do . : ^ D Bob made a very nice comment on my last post . I 'm moving on , but I 'm really going to miss my coworkers at the Tractor Supply . I 've enjoyed working there , and I will say what I have always said : that the employees were great fun , and the customers . . . well . . . they 're a different customer base than I 've ever dealt with before . I have come to believe that this is because they are farmers , or animal lovers , and that this is what sets them apart . Truly , I believe that I can honestly count the number of awful customers I 've had on just two hands . That 's after two years . They are a good people , solid and grounded , and a lot of fun . I will miss them too . But Bob closed his comment with : " Hopefully the touching , heartfelt stories of your new endeavors won 't stop . And as long as you keep writing ' em , I 'll keep reading ' em . " You know , in my new field , I am surrounded by stories , powerful stories . Some really great stuff out there . Working with the population that I 've worked with , I 've become privy to stories that are great cautionary tales , or stories to make you look at people differently . Stories that make me go , " Hmmmm . " Stories that illustrate and underscore questions in my own life . Enlightening stories . Optimistic stories . Sad stories . Holy cow . I 'm up to my eyeballs in stories so rich and wonderful that they have changed my own life . Except . . . . . . I cannot tell them . It would be a violation of patient confidentiality . How does a story teller deal with this ? It 's confounding sometimes . I 'll find myself listening , enthralled , but all the while , I am so very aware that the story is not mine to tell , that no matter how much the world would benefit from hearing such a story , I cannot tell it . Posted by This morning , the alarm went off and I fumbled for it . I usually am awake before the alarm , but this day I was dopey , and coughing . From his side of the bed , Tim said , " I don 't think you should go to work today . " It was freight day , though . It puts the whole team in a pinch when one person does not show up , and since this is my last week , I was afraid the manager would not believe that I was sick . So I got up and showered and got ready for work . I 'm glad I did . Today , there was a cake with careful writing across the top : " Good luck , Debby " Our assistant manager and his little girl had baked and decorated it together . When they were done , Maddie went to her room and came back with one of her hair ties , which she wanted him to give to me , just in case I needed to pull back my hair at my new job . How cute was that ? We sat around at break time , eating cake , and reminiscing . We 've had some fun times . Truly , they have been such a great group to work with . We laughed our heads off at the rememberings . Karen remembered the first day that she discovered that , on occasion , I could ( and would ) swear . We pranked each other on a pretty regular basis , and we remembered those too . It was hard not to get a little misty about the whole thing . I told them that I would miss them a lot , that I really thought a lot of all of them . They told me that they 'd miss me , too . It was very nice to know that I was respected by my peers , and that they considered me hardworking and smart and funny . That 's how I see myself , and how I see myself does not always match with how others see me . This time , though , it did . It did . Despite the problems at the end , it was a good job , one that I enjoyed very much . Posted by I knew I was coming down with a cold , and it has now settled in my chest . I worked with Tim at the apartment and came home . The cold chills began to set in , and I was so very tired . I decided that after I got him off to work , I would give in and curl up with a good book . I read ' Anne of Avonlea ' . In the middle of all this planning for graduation , in the middle of all this looking forward , I stopped to read a book that Cara loved as a girl , and as miserable as I felt , it was wonderful to escape to the past . I eventually dozed off and I dreamt of a girl with stars in her eyes and big dreams . She did not have Anne 's red hair , and her blue jeans would have looked very out of place in Avonlea . I was working at the store when a mother and daughter came up . They were a rough looking duo , the mother drinking a double shot caffeine drink . The daughter was angry - looking . She grabbed up the 35 lb bag of dog food and put in on the counter . She muttered , " I don 't know where the bar code even is , " in an impatient way . I scooted around the counter with my scan gun , saying " It 's on the side , " I scanned it quickly , and turned to her cart to scan the items there . " This is two separate orders ! " she snapped . So I headed back around the counter , thinking that she meant the dog food was one order . Turned out she meant that the things in the cart went with the dog food . but she was mad by then . I said , " I 'm not sure what you want me to scan . " Turns out the things in the child seat were to be separate . She threw the bag of dog food in her cart , and said to her mother , " That 's just great ! I pay money to get treated like shit ! " and her mother agreed , and they stood there complaining . The customer that I had just finished checking out stopped at the door and stood there listening to the exchange . I called the manager at that point . When people start throwing things and swearing , and you can 't get them checked out , well , it 's time to bring out the man who makes the big bucks . They were quite outraged at that point , playing the role of grande dame to the hilt . They had not requested the manager . They were willing to let it go . I went to the next line and continued to wait on the other customers . I listened to them talking very patiently with the manager , asking questions very politely , proving without a doubt in their minds that they were nothing but reasonable , and that the problem was the cashier . I 've never had a time to really watch something like this unfold . It doesn 't matter to me . I have two more days there , but it struck me that these two women were not all that different from the manager himself . He is often unreasonable , but when called on it , he shapeshifts . It is NEVER his fault . He has NEVER behaved badly . It is always someone else 's fault . I watch this scene play out , as he deals with these difficult customers . Really , he is confronting his own nature here , and he doesn 't even see it . Posted by Dear Husband of Mine : If I am ever attacked by wild animals , I expect you to do more than take pictures . In return , I make the same promise to you . Love , Your wife . Sorry for the silence . Since I have finished with school , I 've been working around the house , and enjoying it . I 've also had a lot more time to socialize . We 've had company five times this week . I enjoyed that too . To be able to sit down and have relaxed discussions with other people is a luxury that I have not had in quite some time . I needed that . Tim and I have been working side by side , and you know what ? We needed that too . Somewhere along the line , I seem to have become quite handy with a paint brush . We worked together at one of the apartments to get three rooms edged , so that he could roll them out while I was at work . We put laminate flooring down . We talked and talked . My new job will be on second shift too ( I requested that shift ) , so that we will have much more time together . I 'm looking forward to that . We have been the proverbial two ships passing in the night for far too long . Next Saturday , Cara graduates . The family will convene in Clarion . The Saturday after that is my graduation . I don 't care about going to it , much to Cara 's frustration . It 's been a long time that I 've been tied down . Going to school , doing school work , working . Before that , I was pretty much confined due to the health situation . Right now , I am free . I have this small block of time , and I am going to take it . Tim and I will be going to Allentown to see Dylan and Brittani for two days . That 's more valuable to me than graduation . All I ever wanted was that piece of paper . I 'll take a miss on the pomp and ceremony . That 's it really . I 'm just caught up life , right now . Participating in it . There is so much that I 've been meaning to do . Rachel and I need to go walking . I always meant to do that . I have a bag that I need to get to the nursing home . I 'll see if Brianna wants to go see ' Mouse Trap ' with me at the local theater . Life is very rich right now . I 'm enjoying it . I 've worked hard enough . I deserve it . A woman came in . I recognized her , but could not place where I knew her from . Still can 't . She spoke like she knew me , and we talked . I handed her the bag and wished her a good day . She stood stock still . " It 's too late for that , " she said . " I just picked up my daughter 's cremains this morning . " What do you say to that ? A troop of older fellows came into the store , single file , and I said , " My gosh ! This is just like a parade ! " And one of them said , " We 're all ex - military . " I gave them a look , and said , " Dear heavens . Are we being taken over ? " They laughed , and I decided that it would be an amiable military coup , so I simply got out of the way , telling them to carry on . They came to the register with a pile of pieces and parts . They were building something . They were all Navy and Air Force veterans . I represented the Army . We all thanked each other for our service , and out the door they went . Finally , we had the 4 - H putting on a party in the parking lot . There were horse and pony rides . There was goats , a turkey , a calf who decided that he 'd had all the fun he could possibly have in a parking lot , and was ready to go home to his own pasture . He bellowed and bellowed . He bellowed so much that we had customers coming in from the movie theater . They 'd heard the cow , thought " What the h - - - is going on down there ? " and walked over to see . It was a beautiful day for the activities . There were hotdogs to be bought , pop to be drank , cookies to be eaten . At one point , I went out to grab carts . I waited for a horse to pass . It was being led by a very patient girl , and the little boy perched high atop it was giving her a piece of his mind : " And you will NOT eat that calf , right ? RIGHT ? . . . . . " and she smiled sweetly and said nothing . I 'm going to miss that job . But there is so much looming on the horizon that I am not sorry to be going . Posted by Today , I had company . Brianna and William stopped over for a time . We had time to visit , as we moved from room to room . I was tidying up . Company was coming . Remember Mr R from the nursing home ? His neighbor had called earlier in the week . They wanted to come for a visit . I spent the morning painting with Tim , the afternoon , visiting with Brianna , the evening sitting at a table with two new friends . A satisfactory day all around . ' Cause I walk like I 've got oil wells Pumping in my living room . Just like moons and like suns , With the certainty of tides , Just like hopes springing high , Still I 'll rise . Did you want to see me broken ? Bowed head and lowered eyes ? Shoulders falling down like teardrops . Weakened by my soulful cries . Does my haughtiness offend you ? Don 't you take it awful hard ' Cause I laugh like I 've got gold mines Diggin ' in my own back yard . You may shoot me with your words , You may cut me with your eyes , You may kill me with your hatefulness , But still , like air , I 'll rise . Does my sexiness upset you ? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I 've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs ? Out of the huts of history 's shame I rise Up from a past that 's rooted in pain I rise I 'm a black ocean , leaping and wide , Welling and swelling I bear in the tide . Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that 's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave , I am the dream and the hope of the slave . I rise It was my second trip to Clarion to see her , but I tell you that she was worth two trips . She held the auditorium spellbound as she spun her words across the stage . At the end , Cara said admiringly , " Well , who knew ? Maya Angelou is a bit of bad ass . " I agreed . She was a woman assured and strong , and her words were the words that all women should know . Afterwards , as we walked empty halls so that I could use the bathroom before I headed home , Cara playfully said , " Does my sassiness upset you ? " " No , " I answered . " It is always what I have loved best in you . " Cara repeated it again , a couple times in the empty hall . " Does my sassiness upset you ? " She decided that it well could become her new catch phrase . I listened to her sassiness , and I smiled to myself . I am not upset by her sassiness , and that is the truth . That spirit ? That is how I know that she is safe . She will not be a victim . That knowledge is important to me . For those of you who do not do the facebook thing , I got a job with the facility that I so wanted to be a part of . It is not the job that I ultimately hope to have , but I am working where I want to work , and I will be watching closely for the hiring freeze to end , because there is an empty spot that has not been filled in the OT department . I very carefully counted the days up , to make sure that I gave TSC a full two week notice . On my way home from my job interview , I stopped in to hand in my notice . It is kind of sad really . This has been a pleasant job , for the most part , but despite the complaints ( my complaint to corporate was followed up by complaints from a number of co - workers ) , nothing was done . No employee was contacted . Everyone kind of assumes at this point , that because our store is profitable , no action will be taken . It is very disappointing , and morale is low . The employee bulletin board has a flier about our company hotline , about our ethics , about respect , about our ' team ' mentality , about how we listen to each other , help each other , etc . etc . Now I know that it is just words . So does everyone else . There is a methodical plodding through the job , by everyone really . You know , I knew that I would be leaving my job , but I never expected to be so relieved . Sad , isn 't it ? I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal .
We had a wonderful visit with Dylan and Brittani . I finished training , and am working at my new job . I had reservations about it , but amazing things have been happening . Sometimes , I find myself dumbstruck . Really . This is a miraculous time . There is something wonderful about growing older . You don 't often hear about it in this youth obsessed world that we live in , but I 'm enjoying it . Mary wrote a piece about her boys on her blog . It struck a chord with Hal , because he 'd just come home to discover that his son had suddenly become taller than his wife . My youngest is 22 now . My oldest is 30 . Do I miss those days when they were all at home ? Yes . I do . Mostly what I wish for is ' do - over ' moments . The chance to do it differently , to do it better , or maybe just to be more recognizant of the fact that those days will not last forever , to do a little more savoring . But there is something wonderful about seeing them as adults . To watch your son 's relationship with a lovely and sensible woman grow strong and unbreakable . To discover that he behaves with honor even when his mother is not around . Watching your own daughter learning to be a mother to her own baby boy , to sit in the driveway blowing bubbles , listening to baby babble and laughing quietly together as the day eases into night . I 've watched Cara graduate from college . Not just simply graduate but to graduate with honors . I 'm at a point where I am watching them head off in their own directions and that is satisfying to me , to know that I have had a hand in their independence . It 's still exciting to me , even though I do not see them every day or even talk to them every day , for that matter . They are grown now , my legacy to this world , and I am discovering that there is something every bit as precious and golden about these days as those precious and golden days of childhood . You know , I 've got my own opinions on a great many matters , and what I believe is that those opinions apply to me and my own life . I believe that in the end , we will stand before God , and He will make a decision on the life that we have led . He will be the judge . I 'm pretty clear on the fact that I am NOT God , and in this case , that distinction frees me up from a pretty huge responsibility , and I am grateful for that . If I could have one wish in the whole wide world , it would be that everyone quit insisting that the world live according to their moral code . I wish that everyone would simply sit back and let God do the judging . Our rentals are on the same street that we live on now , so it is kind of cool that we have lots of ' neighbors ' . We had the carpets cleaned in an apartment yesterday , and went over last night to check on them and close up the windows . Our neighbor across the street hailed us . She was weeding out her garden beds in front of her house . " Do you want some vines ? " she called . I went over to grab a garbage bag full of them , and we sat talking on the porch steps as the day slowly turned to night . That 's one thing that I really like about living in town . There 's always someone to visit with . Somebody out walking their dog , the blind man tapping his way down the side walk calling out " God bless you ! " as you pass . There are the more doubtful characters as well , but they still they wave and greet you as well . Yesterday , a little boy called out " What are you doing ? " and then proceeded to tell us all about what he and his grandma were up to . I never minded living in the woods but we had no neighbors , no one to visit with . In town , they are everywhere . Surprisingly , I am discovering that I am far more sociable than I ever would have believed . Posted by You know , this slays me . He 's fathered 30 children , and wants us to give him a break because he works a minimum wage job . To my way of thinking , the young man needs to get a couple more minimum wage jobs . It would appear that he has way too much free time on his hands . My next thought is : just who are these women who take a look at Mr . ' God 's Gift to Women ' and think , " I want to make a baby with this man " ? They 're all stupid as rocks . I 've tried to see it in a gracious way , and I cannot . These are hugely stupid people and they are rocking the gene pool even as we speak . Speaking of stupid , here 's another one that has me shaking my head . I keep trying to reason this one out . The guy looks like a Ken doll , which isn 't a crime , I suppose , but , really , if you look at his plastic - looking face , and his plucked eyebrows , and his earrings and . . . well . . . his appearance just sort of creeps me out . I look at these Kardashian girls who are stupid and self absorbed , superficial , vain . . . I mean I 've never watched their show , but the only thing that these girls seem to be capable of is promoting themselves . What do any of them do ? What is their contribution to society ? And the patriarch of this family is father of the year . Maybe he shares his make up with them . Both these stories leave a bad taste in my mouth . Really . . . I need to hear some inspiring stories . Send me your links please . It was a very nice weekend , equal measures of hard work , and celebration too . We celebrated graduation with my sister Anna , and her husband Dave , and we have learned that when my sister excuses herself to use the ladies room , and takes a while to return , it does not mean that she has fallen in . It means that the sneaky woman is paying the bill . Thanks , you two . After celebrating , Tim and I came home and donned work clothes , and went to the apartment to work . It 's pretty much just finishing touches at this point . I scrubbed down the bathroom , and the carpets will be cleaned tomorrow . When we got there , our building 's sole tenant at this point was hard at work . Kelly had spent probably $ 100 of her own money and was potting flowers , and making a new flower bed in the back . A young man hovered . We assumed it was her boyfriend . He began to talk , and we began to worry . He was a friend of Vince 's , he explained , a former tenant . He did not seem to have any idea at all that this was not good news in our book . So I looked at him and said , " Well , Vince was not a very nice person . We did a good turn for him , and he turned out to be a user , and dishonest . " He assured us that Vince was doing well for himself now , a machinist for a plant in Ridgeway , far enough from here that we don 't need to worry about him . But the young man talked on , in a sad sotto voice , and we saw , right away , that he had a lot in common with poor Vince , who we had taken as a tenant only because his story was so very sad . Turns out when someone has a hard luck story , sometimes , their hard luck is due to their own poor behavior . We learned that the hard way , and believe me , we won 't get fooled again . ( Cue music ) I headed into the house and got to work . When Tim came in , I said , " Gees . You don 't suppose Kelly has picked up with the likes of that one , do you ? " in a worried voice . Kelly is special to us , a classmate of Cara 's , just recently diagnosed with cancer , so I feel a little like her mother , even if I 'm not . Tim grinned . " Noooo ! You don 't worry about hPosted by Today , walking out after the graduation ceremony , a hand reached out and it was one of my professors , my anatomy and physiology teacher . She said , " I knew you 'd do it ! " I was so surprised that I did not know how to answer . Plus there was a wave of people behind me anxious to leave the hot building , so I didn 't dare stop to figure out the words I wanted to say to her . Sitting here tonight , after the ceremony , after lunch to celebrate with Tim and my sister and brother in law , we came home and got to work . We worked for several hours on an apartment , and then came home to work in the yard and putting flowers in the heavy concrete urns , weedeating , setting out solar lights , killing weeds , sweeping , thinking , I figured out what I wanted to say to that teacher : " I was not sure that I would survive that A and P class , and I worked like crazy , and it was terrifying , because I knew that I could not afford to fail the class . Literally . And when I made it out of the class , with my B , I knew that I would make it too . Your class was my turning point . Thank you for your encouragement . " I will send her a card . There 's another teacher I have to thank too . I did not even realize . Today , Tim and I had to go to Walmart . I needed yet another antibiotic for this awful , awful cold . We were walking in the store when we ran into a woman who once told me , at school , that she was there , because of me . That she loved to read my articles , and those articles made her want to be a better writer , and she began to take classes at JCC . It was quite a surprise to hear that , that I had impacted the life of a virtual stranger , and it made my day on that winter day . So we greeted each other , and I said , " Are you still taking classes ? " and she said that she had taken a composition class with Mr . T - - - - - - - - . I smiled . " I like him a lot , " I said . " He was funny , and such a nice , nice person . " And she said in her heavily accented English , " Oh , he talk about you all the time . He very proud of you . " And she smiled broadly . " Really ? ! ! ! " I said , too surprisPosted by There 's a lot going on here . We 've rehabbed an apartment and are nearly done . A new tenant feels like it is where she 's meant to be . I 've discovered a wise new friend . I 'm still sick , unbelievably . This cold is heading into its third week . I don 't think the antibiotic is working , and have a call into the doctor to see if it can be changed . We were going to head out to see Dylan and Brittani this weekend , but discovered that I will not be starting actual work until after the Memorial Day weekend . A quick check with Dylan and Brittani indicated that this would be a better weekend for them , as well , so we decided to head out next weekend . Turns out that Tim wanted to go to graduation . He wanted to see me walk . At the last minute , I decided to do it . I 've spent the week in classes for this certification exam for a three day stretch . I spent evenings in orientation for the new job . It 's a busy time , a celebrating sort of happy time . I had a break between class and orientation yesterday , and so I took my lunch and a book and sat on Chautauqua Lake listening to the water lapping and watching people . I recognized clients and caregivers for the facility I now work for , walking , taking in the sun . I saw the Amish boy with a wondering look on his face as he took in the scenery from his wheelchair . I saw the blissful , calm look on his face as the sun caressed it as gently as his mother 's hand . I saw a very heavy man walking around and around the track with a determined look , and in my heart , I found myself cheering him on . I saw mothers with their children playing at the little playground . I saw a dog walk by with a happy tail to tell . He looked like Buck , and it made me smile . It has been such a long time since I had the time to look outside myself . It has been all about me , about my books and my studying . All about me . And now it 's not . Anyone care to join me in a happy dance ? You know what I hate ? I hate it when you get around to grabbing your laundry from the dryer three days after you put in in the aforementioned dryer , and discover that the aforementioned clothes are sitting there damp and mildew - y because they have not been dried . Might have been that you forgot to turn on the dryer . Might have been that you did not reset the timer on the dryer . Who knows . But there they are , and you discover that the whole load needs to be re - washed . I REALLY hate that . PS Please do not point out that if I was the sort of person who went down to grab her laundry from the dryer the same day she put it in , this would not be an issue . Thank you . Friday was my last day at Tractor Supply . I kept it quiet . Not a lot of need for telling that news around , but sometimes the time for telling that was right . A woman came in to buy mulch . She said , " Can someone load it ? My husband just came from chemo , and he can 't . " I said , " Absolutely . I 'll get that for you . " I walk out with her , and there 's her husband struggling with a bag . Their vehicle is pulled right up to the pile . She begins to yell at him from the door , walking quickly . There 's no need for that kind of excitement , because , really , what I see is that the gray faced man cannot do it . He 's trying , but he can 't , and while his hands are on the bag , he 's not trying to lift it any more . He just looks . . . I don 't know . . . lost . . . forlorn . . . maybe even a little scared , but he just stands there with his hands on the mulch , and he 's not saying anything at all . So we get there , and his wife is telling him , " You let someone else . . . " and I grab the first bag of mulch and begin to load it , easily . The woman says , " Boy , this cancer stuff just takes over our entire life . He 's got all these appointments and when we 're not at appointments , he 's just sick . " The gray faced man stands there , silent . I can tell he needs some encouragement , so I say cheerfully , " Oh , yeah , I know how that can be . I 've been out of treatment for three years now , coming up on my fourth anniversary . " It stops them , as it always does . They don 't expect to hear this . I could tell them that we 've got a tenant who went to school with my Cara just diagnosed with cancer . It has no respect for youth . The woman said , " Did you have chemo and radiation ? " and I said , " Yep . " and kept loading the mulch . The gray faced man doesn 't say anything , but he 's listening closely . I say , " It wasn 't fun , but there 's another side to it , and one day , you 'll be standing on the other side of it looking back too . " And I tell them that it 's my last day of work , that I 'm graduating and have a job in my field . And they listen interestedly . I close their tailgate , and I turn to the man , Another customer came in , he and his wife , and they 're looking for a hitching post to match the one they 've got . They are sure that they bought their hitching post at the Tractor Supply . I say , " Well , I don 't remember selling them , not ever , but I 've only been here two years . " The fellow has a white beard and big blue eyes , and he ponders a moment . He says , " Well , it 's been like 6 or 7 years , probably . " His wife looks surprised , and like she might disagree , but she pondered a moment , and says " Well , you 're probably right about that . " I ask them if they have a computer , and the man says , " Oh , yes , " and I tell them they might want to just type ' hitching post ' into the search engine , and see what pops up . They say , " That 's a good idea ! " and they head off to look around . By the time that they get up to the counter , they hear a reader / customer who says , " So when do you start your new job ? " I tell that person it 's my last day . They tell me that they will miss me , a lot . How nice is that ? I tell them that it 's been a great place to work , and that I 'll miss all my customers , too . The bearded man talks to his wife , and out the door he goes . He comes back , and he has a CD for me , a demo . He 's a musician , and he autographs his CD carefully to me . It 's old type music , with a few old hymns thrown in . It is my turn to say , " Awwwww . Thank you , " and the two of them stand there smiling at me . They tell me that they like my friendliness , and that they are sure my customers WILL miss me . Probably the biggest surprise was this one . A man is standing in line holding a big window box planter , and I 'm thinking , " Hmmm . I have to get my hinder outside on lunch break and look for them . I didn 't know we sold those . . . " and he thrusts it at me saying , " You must be Debby . " My name is on my apron , so it wasn 't like he was psychic . Turns out he was from the flower shop . My coworkers had chipped in . I was a little speechless . The customers in line were smiling and listening . " Honest to Pete , " I said . " They 're not going to be satisfied until I waYesterday , I watched Cara graduate , sitting in the audience with my other children and my grandson . It was a great moment . She graduated with a cord for summa cum laude , another cord graduating from the honors program , and a final cord for graduating with highest honors from the history program . It was a great day . Dylan and Brittani have a fine big camera , and next weekend , when we go there , they will load them on a thumb drive for us , and I 'll post them here . I heard them talking as they looked at the pictures . Cara said , " That looks professional , the way the background is blurred and the subject is clear . I love that ! " and Dylan said , " I 'd like to figure out how to do that on purpose , " laughing . " That 's bokeh , " I said . " BB knows how to do that . Go to her web site . " I think that they were a little surprised to hear that from my mouth . My picture taking is legendary . Really . It 's that bad , but in this case , those who can 't do know those who can do . : ^ D Bob made a very nice comment on my last post . I 'm moving on , but I 'm really going to miss my coworkers at the Tractor Supply . I 've enjoyed working there , and I will say what I have always said : that the employees were great fun , and the customers . . . well . . . they 're a different customer base than I 've ever dealt with before . I have come to believe that this is because they are farmers , or animal lovers , and that this is what sets them apart . Truly , I believe that I can honestly count the number of awful customers I 've had on just two hands . That 's after two years . They are a good people , solid and grounded , and a lot of fun . I will miss them too . But Bob closed his comment with : " Hopefully the touching , heartfelt stories of your new endeavors won 't stop . And as long as you keep writing ' em , I 'll keep reading ' em . " You know , in my new field , I am surrounded by stories , powerful stories . Some really great stuff out there . Working with the population that I 've worked with , I 've become privy to stories that are great cautionary tales , or stories to make you look at people differently . Stories that make me go , " Hmmmm . " Stories that illustrate and underscore questions in my own life . Enlightening stories . Optimistic stories . Sad stories . Holy cow . I 'm up to my eyeballs in stories so rich and wonderful that they have changed my own life . Except . . . . . . I cannot tell them . It would be a violation of patient confidentiality . How does a story teller deal with this ? It 's confounding sometimes . I 'll find myself listening , enthralled , but all the while , I am so very aware that the story is not mine to tell , that no matter how much the world would benefit from hearing such a story , I cannot tell it . Posted by This morning , the alarm went off and I fumbled for it . I usually am awake before the alarm , but this day I was dopey , and coughing . From his side of the bed , Tim said , " I don 't think you should go to work today . " It was freight day , though . It puts the whole team in a pinch when one person does not show up , and since this is my last week , I was afraid the manager would not believe that I was sick . So I got up and showered and got ready for work . I 'm glad I did . Today , there was a cake with careful writing across the top : " Good luck , Debby " Our assistant manager and his little girl had baked and decorated it together . When they were done , Maddie went to her room and came back with one of her hair ties , which she wanted him to give to me , just in case I needed to pull back my hair at my new job . How cute was that ? We sat around at break time , eating cake , and reminiscing . We 've had some fun times . Truly , they have been such a great group to work with . We laughed our heads off at the rememberings . Karen remembered the first day that she discovered that , on occasion , I could ( and would ) swear . We pranked each other on a pretty regular basis , and we remembered those too . It was hard not to get a little misty about the whole thing . I told them that I would miss them a lot , that I really thought a lot of all of them . They told me that they 'd miss me , too . It was very nice to know that I was respected by my peers , and that they considered me hardworking and smart and funny . That 's how I see myself , and how I see myself does not always match with how others see me . This time , though , it did . It did . Despite the problems at the end , it was a good job , one that I enjoyed very much . Posted by I knew I was coming down with a cold , and it has now settled in my chest . I worked with Tim at the apartment and came home . The cold chills began to set in , and I was so very tired . I decided that after I got him off to work , I would give in and curl up with a good book . I read ' Anne of Avonlea ' . In the middle of all this planning for graduation , in the middle of all this looking forward , I stopped to read a book that Cara loved as a girl , and as miserable as I felt , it was wonderful to escape to the past . I eventually dozed off and I dreamt of a girl with stars in her eyes and big dreams . She did not have Anne 's red hair , and her blue jeans would have looked very out of place in Avonlea . I was working at the store when a mother and daughter came up . They were a rough looking duo , the mother drinking a double shot caffeine drink . The daughter was angry - looking . She grabbed up the 35 lb bag of dog food and put in on the counter . She muttered , " I don 't know where the bar code even is , " in an impatient way . I scooted around the counter with my scan gun , saying " It 's on the side , " I scanned it quickly , and turned to her cart to scan the items there . " This is two separate orders ! " she snapped . So I headed back around the counter , thinking that she meant the dog food was one order . Turned out she meant that the things in the cart went with the dog food . but she was mad by then . I said , " I 'm not sure what you want me to scan . " Turns out the things in the child seat were to be separate . She threw the bag of dog food in her cart , and said to her mother , " That 's just great ! I pay money to get treated like shit ! " and her mother agreed , and they stood there complaining . The customer that I had just finished checking out stopped at the door and stood there listening to the exchange . I called the manager at that point . When people start throwing things and swearing , and you can 't get them checked out , well , it 's time to bring out the man who makes the big bucks . They were quite outraged at that point , playing the role of grande dame to the hilt . They had not requested the manager . They were willing to let it go . I went to the next line and continued to wait on the other customers . I listened to them talking very patiently with the manager , asking questions very politely , proving without a doubt in their minds that they were nothing but reasonable , and that the problem was the cashier . I 've never had a time to really watch something like this unfold . It doesn 't matter to me . I have two more days there , but it struck me that these two women were not all that different from the manager himself . He is often unreasonable , but when called on it , he shapeshifts . It is NEVER his fault . He has NEVER behaved badly . It is always someone else 's fault . I watch this scene play out , as he deals with these difficult customers . Really , he is confronting his own nature here , and he doesn 't even see it . Posted by Dear Husband of Mine : If I am ever attacked by wild animals , I expect you to do more than take pictures . In return , I make the same promise to you . Love , Your wife . Sorry for the silence . Since I have finished with school , I 've been working around the house , and enjoying it . I 've also had a lot more time to socialize . We 've had company five times this week . I enjoyed that too . To be able to sit down and have relaxed discussions with other people is a luxury that I have not had in quite some time . I needed that . Tim and I have been working side by side , and you know what ? We needed that too . Somewhere along the line , I seem to have become quite handy with a paint brush . We worked together at one of the apartments to get three rooms edged , so that he could roll them out while I was at work . We put laminate flooring down . We talked and talked . My new job will be on second shift too ( I requested that shift ) , so that we will have much more time together . I 'm looking forward to that . We have been the proverbial two ships passing in the night for far too long . Next Saturday , Cara graduates . The family will convene in Clarion . The Saturday after that is my graduation . I don 't care about going to it , much to Cara 's frustration . It 's been a long time that I 've been tied down . Going to school , doing school work , working . Before that , I was pretty much confined due to the health situation . Right now , I am free . I have this small block of time , and I am going to take it . Tim and I will be going to Allentown to see Dylan and Brittani for two days . That 's more valuable to me than graduation . All I ever wanted was that piece of paper . I 'll take a miss on the pomp and ceremony . That 's it really . I 'm just caught up life , right now . Participating in it . There is so much that I 've been meaning to do . Rachel and I need to go walking . I always meant to do that . I have a bag that I need to get to the nursing home . I 'll see if Brianna wants to go see ' Mouse Trap ' with me at the local theater . Life is very rich right now . I 'm enjoying it . I 've worked hard enough . I deserve it . A woman came in . I recognized her , but could not place where I knew her from . Still can 't . She spoke like she knew me , and we talked . I handed her the bag and wished her a good day . She stood stock still . " It 's too late for that , " she said . " I just picked up my daughter 's cremains this morning . " What do you say to that ? A troop of older fellows came into the store , single file , and I said , " My gosh ! This is just like a parade ! " And one of them said , " We 're all ex - military . " I gave them a look , and said , " Dear heavens . Are we being taken over ? " They laughed , and I decided that it would be an amiable military coup , so I simply got out of the way , telling them to carry on . They came to the register with a pile of pieces and parts . They were building something . They were all Navy and Air Force veterans . I represented the Army . We all thanked each other for our service , and out the door they went . Finally , we had the 4 - H putting on a party in the parking lot . There were horse and pony rides . There was goats , a turkey , a calf who decided that he 'd had all the fun he could possibly have in a parking lot , and was ready to go home to his own pasture . He bellowed and bellowed . He bellowed so much that we had customers coming in from the movie theater . They 'd heard the cow , thought " What the h - - - is going on down there ? " and walked over to see . It was a beautiful day for the activities . There were hotdogs to be bought , pop to be drank , cookies to be eaten . At one point , I went out to grab carts . I waited for a horse to pass . It was being led by a very patient girl , and the little boy perched high atop it was giving her a piece of his mind : " And you will NOT eat that calf , right ? RIGHT ? . . . . . " and she smiled sweetly and said nothing . I 'm going to miss that job . But there is so much looming on the horizon that I am not sorry to be going . Posted by Today , I had company . Brianna and William stopped over for a time . We had time to visit , as we moved from room to room . I was tidying up . Company was coming . Remember Mr R from the nursing home ? His neighbor had called earlier in the week . They wanted to come for a visit . I spent the morning painting with Tim , the afternoon , visiting with Brianna , the evening sitting at a table with two new friends . A satisfactory day all around . ' Cause I walk like I 've got oil wells Pumping in my living room . Just like moons and like suns , With the certainty of tides , Just like hopes springing high , Still I 'll rise . Did you want to see me broken ? Bowed head and lowered eyes ? Shoulders falling down like teardrops . Weakened by my soulful cries . Does my haughtiness offend you ? Don 't you take it awful hard ' Cause I laugh like I 've got gold mines Diggin ' in my own back yard . You may shoot me with your words , You may cut me with your eyes , You may kill me with your hatefulness , But still , like air , I 'll rise . Does my sexiness upset you ? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I 've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs ? Out of the huts of history 's shame I rise Up from a past that 's rooted in pain I rise I 'm a black ocean , leaping and wide , Welling and swelling I bear in the tide . Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that 's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave , I am the dream and the hope of the slave . I rise It was my second trip to Clarion to see her , but I tell you that she was worth two trips . She held the auditorium spellbound as she spun her words across the stage . At the end , Cara said admiringly , " Well , who knew ? Maya Angelou is a bit of bad ass . " I agreed . She was a woman assured and strong , and her words were the words that all women should know . Afterwards , as we walked empty halls so that I could use the bathroom before I headed home , Cara playfully said , " Does my sassiness upset you ? " " No , " I answered . " It is always what I have loved best in you . " Cara repeated it again , a couple times in the empty hall . " Does my sassiness upset you ? " She decided that it well could become her new catch phrase . I listened to her sassiness , and I smiled to myself . I am not upset by her sassiness , and that is the truth . That spirit ? That is how I know that she is safe . She will not be a victim . That knowledge is important to me . For those of you who do not do the facebook thing , I got a job with the facility that I so wanted to be a part of . It is not the job that I ultimately hope to have , but I am working where I want to work , and I will be watching closely for the hiring freeze to end , because there is an empty spot that has not been filled in the OT department . I very carefully counted the days up , to make sure that I gave TSC a full two week notice . On my way home from my job interview , I stopped in to hand in my notice . It is kind of sad really . This has been a pleasant job , for the most part , but despite the complaints ( my complaint to corporate was followed up by complaints from a number of co - workers ) , nothing was done . No employee was contacted . Everyone kind of assumes at this point , that because our store is profitable , no action will be taken . It is very disappointing , and morale is low . The employee bulletin board has a flier about our company hotline , about our ethics , about respect , about our ' team ' mentality , about how we listen to each other , help each other , etc . etc . Now I know that it is just words . So does everyone else . There is a methodical plodding through the job , by everyone really . You know , I knew that I would be leaving my job , but I never expected to be so relieved . Sad , isn 't it ? I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal .
Oh Weasley , I just knew you couldn 't stay away . You 'll surely forgive me for turning down the invitation to the State Dinner last week . I felt it inappropriate to attend after my involvement in damaging your good name , plus I can 't stand President Nargi . I stupidly agreed to play a hand of cards with him during a conference in New York a few years ago . The man doesn 't know when to shut up . On the plus side I won fifty quid . I was sorry to hear your week was so tiresome . As for my week it 's been about the same , other than me being followed more than usual . I was having dinner at Chow the other night and a reporter had the nerve to follow me into the men 's room . Apparently the manager values my patronage greatly because he chased him from the establishment personally . I don 't care what you say Malfoy , the ref was totally out of order on that call ! There is a difference between hopping a few inches off your broom for a mere second then dismounting . Besides the Falcons play dirty and a good woman always fights back . So I 've been told . That 's why good women stay single . They stand for the demise of men . But if you can 't play dirty without getting caught then get out of the game ! What do you know about strong women ? As I recall your last relationship was with the twenty three year old Cindy who still lives with her parents . Which reminds me , have you decided whether you 'd like to meet my friend or not ? First of all she was twenty four and lives with her grandparents . Her parents kicked her out , there was a whole story about the situation which I didn 't bother to listen to . How old is your friend ? What does she look like ? So shallow , she 's an appropriate age for you and a beautiful woman . Here 's her address . I 'll let her know to expect your owl Don 't tell her to expect anything ! I haven 't decided whether I 'm going through with this ridiculous idea yet ! YES ! Falcons up by ten ! It seemed as if the Draco and Ginny rumors were cooling down since the public date with Harry . She kept her promise and stayed away from Malfoy but she couldn 't go without talking to him . So pen pals they became . It was perfect the banter without the contact , which was good because she could resist the urged to hit him . The rumors weren 't all bad . They seemed to do wonders for her marriage . Harry stepped up his game since the incident as far as spending time with his family . He made it home by six three times that week instead of two , had dinner with his family , helped Lily with her Defense against the Dark Arts and yelled at her when she tried to sneak out . They had done another public date , well sort of . Harry was late and Lily couldn 't be trusted to be left alone so he took both his girls for ice cream at eleven o ' clock on Friday night in Diagon Alley . The ice cream was delicious but the photographers following them around weren 't but that was the point . Ginny tried to ignore them and just enjoy being with her family . So I 'm reading The Cursed Be Damned at the recommendation of Al , my resident genius . It 's pretty good , I 'm only at chapter five but I 'm sending you a copy . I 'll wait for you to catch up . Also what 's your opinion on an autobiography about me ? ( Laughs ) Little Red Books wants to option it . What should I call the chapter on you ? First of all this book is amazing . I want to see it live action . Perhaps I 'll produce it . Second if you write an autobiography I will never speak to you again , even if the chapter on me will be extremely stimulating . Plus I 've read your column on the state of sport . A literary award is not in your future … Have you got to the part where the man fell through the hearth ? That would be great on stage . Since when do you produce ? I question your taste because I have been awarded for journalism . I wouldn 't leave a work of art in your care . I won 't write it because if you stop talking to me my marriage may fall apart again . Harry 's annoyance with you has done wonders for me . I just read that part , how would you illustrate that ? Have the actor levitate and the fireplaces change behind him ? I said produce not direct I 'd let someone who knows what they 're doing take care of that . I 'm on chapter twenty , where are you ? It 's nice that you and Potter have been spending time together , but please don 't go into detail about your sex life . I just ate and I would prefer to keep my food down . Sixteen so don 't say anything past that , I got busy . Deadlines and meetings you know the deal . How come I can 't talk about my sex life when you have given me more detail then I want about the women you 've dated . Because you don 't know the women I 've dated . I 'll have to tell you a story about a raven haired girl named Shelly and a night in Belize . It involved ice , tongues , and feathers . Anyway I can 't talk for the next complete of days , going to Berlin on business . I 'll write when I get back . Harry took Ginny dancing at a jazz club in muggle London . The band was on fire tonight and the dance floor was packed . Everyone was having a wonderful time . Ginny was surprised when Harry brought her here because he hates dancing . He said he was ready to cut a rug and had Dean teach him some moves . Unfortunately duty called and someone she didn 't know from the Ministry brought him some papers that had to be signed immediately . So she , Harry , and their third wheel were at their table not having fun . " I 'm going to get a drink , do you want something , " she leaned in and asked Harry . Ginny blushed , she hadn 't had a man come on to her in a really long time . He wasn 't smooth and she was grateful she wasn 't single . Going through the motions with men like him was a pain in the ass . But her blonde stranger friend had a point just because she was married didn 't mean she shouldn 't have fun . Ginny rolled her eyes and turned around with her back against the bar . She watched Harry and his associate engrossed in whatever they were doing . She couldn 't believe he took her out just to work , but at the same time he didn 't leave or cancel so that was a vast improvement . She looked to her suitor when he nudged her . He handed her , her drink , " it 's on me . " " Thanks she took a sip , " he was annoying , fairly unattractive but he was right she should be having fun . But there was no way in hell she was going to have it with him . She could have done something else with her time . She would have rather been asleep , curled up on the couch with a good book or sending constant owls to Draco . But I can 't he 's in Germany . " If the three of you didn 't get married then perhaps you 'd know I good time when you see one . Let 's go out . . . I know a party we could finesse our way into . " Mrs . Potter made an unexpected appearance last night at Population in Dublin . She was with long time friend Dean Thomas Head of Games and Sports . They attended the private party of Carlos Fernandez a wireless host visiting from Peru . This was a closed event but according to a party guest , the First Lady was in a VIP room with friends endless bottles of champagne being hand delivered . Given the recent alleged affair of Mrs . Potter with Draco Malfoy , should the vixen really be clubbing ? " I know he 's Minister and all but I can 't believe he did this to her , " Knox whispered to Bobby . They were blending into the wall across the room under the disillusionment charm watching Ginny . She was sitting at a table in the back of a muggle restaurant waiting for Harry . He was almost thirty minutes late she didn 't look too happy . " No we 're not to get involved , " it was the truth they were supposed to stay objective and not let their emotions get in the way . It 's just they 've been with her for about ten months now and Ginny Potter was extremely personable . It was hard not to love her , " no matter how much you want to just slam Potter against a wall , " he said as he watched Ginny signal the waitress for the bill . They were supposed to keep their distance and they should have stated that this was inappropriate but instead they went with it . Bobby patted Ginny 's hand comfortingly , and then tucked both of his hands in his pockets . Ginny looped her arm around Bobby 's more securely . Ginny opened the little red box that was in the envelope . There was a small rock with a bit of blue and orange on it . She rolled it over in her hand a couple times . She shrugged , " occasionally , we run in the same circles and he too spends a lot of time in detention . You really get to know someone over scrubbing cauldrons or at parties . Sometimes we trade barbs . " " I don 't understand the fascination of people jumping about in tights , " Ron said playing with the collar around his neck on his tuxedo . They were sitting in a private box in the theater waiting for the performance by the British Wizarding Ballet to begin . The house was full with murmuring witches and wizards in their evening wear . " Its opening night , " Ginny said from the other side of Harry , " it 's brand new , never been performed before . Miguel Hess has yet to let down with his choreography . I 'm very excited . " The lights went down in the theater , Ginny looped her arm through Harry 's as the performance began . The stage was dark as the music began at a fast tempo . The dancers flooded the stage running back and forth leaping in excitement . There was a big booming noise and they all froze , a ballerina in a long flowing white gown came fluttering down from the ceiling . " Its fine , " she said removing her arm from around his . Again she put on her show , what was she going to do make a scene in the theater ? Especially with her brother and his wife there , they think everything is alright between them and she didn 't want a repeat of the Birthday party she hosted . So she would continue with the act and let them believe they were just perfect . Ginny was all gussied up for her date with Harry . It was after eleven when she was on her way downstairs to wait for him and the doorbell went . It was a bit late for visitors but she didn 't think anything of it until she heard grumbling . " Sir if you don 't cooperate I 'll be forced to remove you from the premises , " hissed Jim " I figured she knew . Then I may have used a confundus charm on that guy dressed like the homeless man , in the phone booth on the corner to get invited in . He was wearing really nice loafers , it was a dead giveaway . " " I know how you don 't like to part with your money . How much did it cost that you 're eyes are going in two different directions , " she snapped her fingers in his face to try and get him to focus . " It was what she told me that forced me to call the three women over to the Seymour Inn and then I began drinking . " " It 's so funny , the woman I would have gone to with this broke my heart tonight for the first time in the twenty two years I 've known her . Then the other one has decided she 's not going to see me because I ruined her life . Who would expect any less after all I am Draco Malfoy . " She looked at him just staring into his cup of coffee and she felt sorry for him . He wasn 't that evil … okay so he was that evil but it was layered and spawned from other things so it seemed justified . She kind of wanted to admit that kiss didn 't bother her that much . She thought it would make him feel better . The real problem was lying to Harry . She also found great pleasure in that bat boogey hex . She looked down at her hands and smiled . She looked back up when she heard a thud . " Draco ! " She got up and rushed to him . He had fallen out of his chair to the floor . She crouched down and shook him . " Draco … Draco … " she slapped him a couple of times , " Draco wake up ! Draco … " " Ginny are you ready for date night . I figured we could catch a midnight showing … " Harry called coming downstairs . She looked up at him from the floor . " What the hell is he doing here ? " Harry rolled his eyes , " what did you do knock him out … oh he 's drunk , " he said scrunching up his face when got close to him and could smell the alcohol . He took hold of one of his arms and hoisted him up . " I 'm just lugging him to the curb right " She shrugged as she opened the door to the guest room , " somewhat , " when Draco was over the bed she pushed his body down and rolled him onto his stomach . She then followed Harry from the room . " What do you want to see ? " " No he asked his mother for directions and confunded Miller . Tell him not to wear nice shoes . Let 's go . " She took his hand and pulled him down the hall . They were definitely going out , after Draco showed up there was no way she could cancel their plans . Harry was already irked enough by him no need to increase that feeling . Plus Draco likes me Harry reached over and turned off the alarm clock . He sat up and noticed Ginny 's side of the bed empty . He got up and went across the hall to wake Lily . On his way out of the room he noticed the guest room door open a bit . He went up the hall and peaked in , Ginny was sitting on the edge of the bed , Draco was still lying down but he was awake and lying on his back . " How are you feeling , " she asked him Harry backed away from the door and went back to his room to get dress . Ginny turned around and looked towards the door , when she though she heard something . " I need to go wake up Lily and I 'll get you some coffee . " She got up and left the room . She looked into Lily 's room , she was already awake . She went into her room to see if Harry was up , she heard the shower . She continued down the stairs to the kitchen , she figured it was him she heard at the door . This was an awkward situation and Harry was handling it better than she ever thought he would . That might be because of what happened in the backseat of his car after the movies last night . She enjoyed herself but she knew it happened out of guilt . She began to prepare the coffee … " Yeah , I have to take something for this hang over , I have a meeting in an hour so … bye , " he turned to go back upstairs . He stopped and turned to her . " I didn 't say anything stupid to you last night , did I ? " " You know that 's not what I meant . You and Malfoy have some understanding that I don 't get . But I do not like him , I don 't care how he 's made amends for the things he 's done but I am not over it ! He is not welcome here ! " " Fine " Harry went out into the hall and instead of heading downstairs . He stopped and replayed the conversation he had with Ginny over in his mind . I 'll see you later . I love you . Then Ginny says , I love you too … but she always says I know . Harry sighed and continued downstairs . " I know lots of things . For example if I find you anywhere near my home again I will have you arrested . That others may not have been able to get you out of the Ministry but you weren 't making plays for their wives , at least not that I know of . Now here 's something you know , " Harry leaned back in his chair . " They call me the Chosen One and that allows me certain liberties and you have given me the prefect ammo to get you out of here . " Draco dropped his arms and chuckled , " you think you 've got me Potter but you have no proof that anything is going on with Weasley and I . You 've gone on about how you can ruin me and glared and it 's quite fetching but you haven 't asked me any questions . The most important being , why is it that your wife wants to spend so much time with me ? " He slid his hands into his pockets , " you have a good day Minister , " he turned and left . Ginny I just want to thank you again for taking care of me the other night . I want to apologize for intruding on you at home . Manipulating your security and the hassle I put your night guard through . Most importantly thanks for listening , I know I do not have the best personality but I find your lovely ear comforting . I know that is not an excuse for ignoring your request of space and for that I also apologize . I 'm glad to know that you felt comfortable enough to come and talk to me . I hope you will continue to talk to me whenever you need to . Draco you may not have the best personality but I like it , it reminds me of absolutely no one I know . I know how much Astoria means to you so I wouldn 't have expected anything less . I just ask that from now on you continue to respect my request for us to stay apart . Who knows what will happen in the future , perhaps we can get together again but for now your letters will have to do . That was all so lovely but I feel we 're getting to serious , let 's talk about something else . What 's this I hear about you going to Population ? I want you to know that I truly laughed when I heard about that . Weasley clubbing , what happened to I 'm not into nightclubs ? I 'm not . My friend Seamus ( I don 't know if you remember him from school ) knows the owner and he may have snuck us into a private party . If you ever hear of me acting like a teenager in public he 's most likely behind it . I 'm going to forget you said that . Seamus is brilliant he knows how to profit from a good time . Anyway I can 't talk tomorrow night , it 's my anniversary Harry and I have plans . Ginny stood in front of the mirror for twenty minutes trying to decide whether her hair should be straight or curly . She bought new lingerie and was wearing a red dress that generally resided in the back of her closet because she thought it to revealing but Harry loved . A week ago she stole Harry 's wedding band and replaced it with a duplicate to have it engraved . She was so excited it was their twenty third wedding anniversary . She was even more excited because she hadn 't been this excited in a really long time . They had reservations at eight , Ginny was ready by seven forty five and Harry hadn 't come home yet . She went to wait for him in the sitting room . When eight fifteen rolled around she decided she was not going to be mad , he could be a bit late . At eight thirty she was losing patience 's , at eight forty five the fireplace lit up and Gail told Ginny that he was still in conference with the confederation but he should be there in about fifteen minutes . At eight fifty Ginny gave up on the idea and went up to bed . She sat still dressed on the edge of the bed and watched the clock until it struck nine . The small hope that he would come in completely dwindling , she picked up the clock and threw it against the wall . She slipped out of her clothes and got under the covers to go to sleep . She really wanted to fall asleep but she couldn 't , her eyes were wide open as she lay there thinking of all the people who were out enjoying the company of their love ones . They were doing so simply because they wanted to spend time together . Yet today was her anniversary and she was lying in bed alone in Italian lingerie . She turned on her side away from Harry 's side of the bed . She stared at the window waiting to fall asleep … It was a quarter to one when the door creaked open and Harry whispered her name . That 's when she closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep . Ginny squeezed her eyes tight as they burned from the light . She hid her face under the blanket to block the sun . She knew it was late . It was never that bright during her normal morning hour . However she didn 't rush to find out the time , she couldn 't anyway , the last time she saw her clock in was in pieces on the floor . She didn 't even know if Lily got off to school but she was too upset to care . She kept her New Year 's resolution of never asking Harry to do anything for her again . This night was Harry 's idea and yet again he broke a promise to her . She was partially to blame for believing he 'd keep it in the first place . She sighed and pulled the covers away from her face . As much as she didn 't want to get up she 'd have to owl to work and explain her absence . She sat up in bed her eyes open wide at the sight of her room . Every inch was covered in white orchids . She had no words to describe the gesture . She had no idea where Harry would have found all these flowers on such short notice . It was a beautiful sight but she was still mad . She looked over to his side of the bed . There was a note on his pillow . I 'm sorry . She balled it up and threw it across the room . Draco stood by his open window reading the note Ginny just wrote . She wanted to come over , he really wanted to see her but he knew Harry was right when he said he could use this affair to sack him . He worked hard for his position , to gain the trust he needed to hold a high profile Ministry job . He didn 't need the money , even though he doesn 't act like it he cares what people think of him , and he actually likes his job . Then there was Ginny and he liked her , he looked forward to hearing from her . He wanted to see her . He sighed scribbled a note and attached it to his owls leg . He watched as it soared out the window . Ginny lifted the silver serpent doorknocker and banged twice . She took a step back and waited for Draco to answer . She looked up and down the street , it was a really nice neighborhood , and the shrubs next to his stairs were perfectly manicured . She turned back to the door when she heard it open . " Great , come in , " he stepped aside to let her in . He looked around before he closed the door . He wanted to make sure no one was watching them , " Are you alone ? " She readjusted the bag she was carrying to take off her jacket . She handed it to Draco , who hung it by the door . She looked around his foyer . " You have a very lovely home , is this one of Willow 's pieces . " She said pointing to the large scale photograph hanging over the table . It looked like an ink blot but it was moving like silk . " And you have a Magenta Comstock , " she said moving her head and watching the eyes of the slick looking man following her . " Not to worry , they wouldn 't follow you home , I 've charmed them to stay put . Granted our good man didn 't seem too pleased " " I don 't think that would help . It won 't make him understand how humiliating it is to sit and wait for him . It would be one thing if I was at home alone . But there are a team of security guards surrounding my house who know all of my scheduled moves and they know that I was supposed to be out last night but instead … I was all dressed up and nowhere to go . " She laughed , " As much as you would enjoy that , please don 't . He 's a bit harder to get to these days . " She watched him begin to tie them together , and then wrap them around his hand . He told her he did that but it was strange that he was comfortable enough to do it in front of her . She didn 't comment because she wanted him to stay comfortable . Ginny rolled her eyes , " no that would be you , " she reached for another cookie . Instead of eating it , she played with it . " Draco I 'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me . " Draco wished she asked him something simple like the riddle of the sphinx or Arithmanic equation . He didn 't know what he was supposed to tell her . He couldn 't understand it himself , sure he wasn 't running the country and they weren 't together but he always made time for her . If she wanted to get together he rearranged his plans , if he had something to do at work , he went and saw her then went back . " Ginny there is absolutely nothing wrong with you . I don 't know what stick Potter has up his ass that keeps him from coming home to you . He is Minister and that is quite time consuming and I 'm sure that you 'll never be together as much as before . But a man would have to be insane to not want to make it home to you at least once a week … I mean any man to his wife . " Ginny reached across the couch and put her hand on top of his and squeezed it thankfully . However she didn 't remove it . It was warm and he made her feel good . She watched as Draco moved his hand and interlocked their fingers , he gave her hand a squeeze and then let go . " I know that was the point , " she said hanging up her coat . She walked up the hall and went upstairs , Lily 's bedroom door was open and she stuck her head in . " Hello darling , what are you still doing up . " " Yes , I would rather not stay back , " Lily smiled and turned back to what she was doing . Ginny went in the room , she kissed Lily on top of her head , " I love you , don 't stay up too late , " she left the room and went across to her own . " You 're home , " Harry said from his position . He was sitting up in bed working . " So it would appear . " " No of course not , why would you plan to miss our twenty third wedding anniversary . Why would you plan to leave me to sit alone in a restaurant two weeks ago ? Why didn 't you notice when I left you alone in that jazz club ? The problem is that I keep letting you do it ! " " I 'm Minister for Magic , when something happens I have to go handle it and sometimes things get put on the back burner . " " Ginny ! " He banged on the door but she ignored him . " I always find it best to give her a day when she get 's that heated , " Harry turned to look at Lily standing in the door of her bedroom . Harry opened the box she threw at him , it was his wedding band . He looked at the one on his finger . He hadn 't realized it wasn 't his . He began to pull it off and it dissolved into thin air . The things Ginny did always amazed him , he had no idea how she got it off his finger because he hasn 't taken it off since they got married . He always thought that if he tried it would be stuck . He took the silver band out of the box and looked at the interior where it had been engraved . I 'll love you to the end 20 . 3 . Dee and Ginny went to the opening of Kofi Omo a sculptor known for using food as a medium . They were at a gallery in Diagon Alley and they willing posed for pictures , they decided to put on their best lovers looks . Of course the photographers loved it , not only would Ginny Potter be shagging Draco Malfoy but Melodee Dapremont as well . But they had moved on from that and we 're inside enjoying the artwork with everyone else . " James is having a show in the muggle world next month , " Ginny told Dee as they stood in front of a six foot tall statue of a man made of oranges . " Dean was telling me about it , do you know what the subject matter is ? " The statue bowed to them and winked . " Move ! " Dee shouted at the paparazzi as she pushed her way through , she had hold of Ginny 's hand as she sore heavily in French " Heathens , casse - toi ! " Ginny tried hard not to laugh but it was kind of funny . " Fous le camp ! " " Doesn 't get any better , cheers " they clinked glasses . " So if you don 't mind me asking , what 's with the Draco Malfoy rumors ? I don 't know anything about him except he pisses Dean off and apparently has lots of money . " " It is but it hasn 't been between us . We 've sort of formed a friendship and someone took our picture and made up text to go with it . You know how that goes . " Ginny made a decision to tell Dee what was happening because she needed to talk to someone and she was a prominent woman like herself and had a prominent mate so perhaps she would understand . " Harry and Draco don 't get along . They haven 't since they met at the age of eleven . " " I know and I didn 't like him either . So imagine my surprise when Harry gets sworn in as Minister and Draco takes notice of me . We start talking and I find I like being around him . " " Oh he can 't stand it but he doesn 't get to pick my friends and he trusts me . Or at least I thought . It 's not at all like Skeeter put it , " she explained . " I am not now nor have I ever cheated on Harry . Although lately I 've been spending more time with Draco then Harry , this has been hard for me to admit but Harry and I are rarely together . " " I understand completely , since I 'm always back and forth between London and Quiberon . It 's hard for me and Dean to be together . However I can 't imagine nine months without sex . Then we decided to have Jon and we love him more than anything but he has a way of being disrupted , " she smirked . " I didn 't want to let you guys down . You 're just like the rest of this world . You look at us as if we 're the model couple but we 're not . We don 't have the time to be together physically or just to talk . He branched out and started this whole new life and I 'm settling into mine . He 's on a new adventure I have plans to let it go in a few years . " " I 'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to protect an image for me . But you 're my friend Gin and I would rather you squish my ideals then let something that 's bothering you fester . I 'm sure the rest of the girls feel that way as well … okay perhaps not Hermione . " Ginny fulfilled her wifely duties . She went with Harry when he went to speak at the Wizarding Academy of Political Science and Economics . She held his hand as they took a tour of the sculpture gardens and didn 't fight with him once when they went a reception for the Dark Arts Defense League . At home was another story , Harry was sleeping down the hall in the guest room and when he said he didn 't understand why she was so upset he lost that luxury . She knew he would be busy when he took the post of Minister . Ginny locked him out of the house . That 's where he was now . He was going to sleep in his car . Or at least that 's what he thought but he didn 't have his keys , he didn 't even have his wand , and his alohomora without it didn 't work and all he managed to do was set off the alarm . " Trying to break into your own car Potter , " Garth from two doors down pulled up next to him in his Volkswagen bus . Harry reluctantly accepted the couch was comfortable however he had company . Garth was sitting in the armchair having a cigarette . It smelled as if he chained and all the buds in the ashtray confirmed that for him . They were watching the original Doctor Who on whatever disc came after blu ray . He hadn 't really kept up with the times . Garth was having a Guinness although Harry really wanted to join him his 8am meeting tomorrow only allowed him to accept the Snapple . " You know I can never quite remember which house is yours , " said Garth " Me either which is why my wife kicked me out , " he answered , normally he would just have confunded him but he didn 't have his wand . " So what series is this ? " He changed the subject Harry nodded and pretended to be listening . It served him right all he had to do was have dinner with his wife on the 20th and he wouldn 't be soaking wet in this imbecile 's living room . To top it off Garth apparently had a cat because the Gray hairs from the sofa were sticking to him . At least it 's dry … . Harry ignored him and continued upstairs to his room to get ready for work . If this is how Ginny wanted to play it , game on because he was sick of apologizing . He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower . He ignored the fact that Ginny was in there brushing her teeth . He smelled like lawn , old cigarettes and was covered in Garth 's cat 's hair . " Thursday "
We decided to continue exploring the area around the lake . While exploring we met up with an older gentleman who said he was living out in nature so he could find balance in his life . We sat down and broke bread at his fire . While we were eating the man came up and back stabbed our fighter . Right after that happened a large cat came bounding out of the woods and pounced on the fighter too . The cat knocked our fighter out cold . Our bard cast a rage spell on me to help me increase my damage and attack on the puma . I struck a hard blow against the large cat . Then Skoll ( my wolf ) bit the cat . At this point the cat was looking pretty beat up , and he was bleeding all over the place . He bled out shortly after that , so me and Skoll went after the old man who had back stabbed our fighter . The wolf and I both got good hits in on the old man , and our summoners eidolon managed to take him the rest of the way out . Once we revived the fighter and our cleric healed him all up , the fighter decided he needed a new cloak made from the skin of the cat we 'd just killed . He also took the teeth of the lion and made a necklace for the eidolon who had taken out the lion . The eidolon looked confused when he was given a necklace , but he put it on anyway . Once the fight was over we explored the area . We found a tree hollow where the old man had been living . Buried deep in the bottom of the hollow was a chest with lots of goodies inside . While we were exploring our cleric spoke to the recently departed spirit of the old man . He asked us if we would please take his body to his brother ( a man the rest of the party had met before my arrival with them ) . In the chest was a locket wrapped in cloth . On the cloth was a map showing the northern shore of Tuskwater lake , and a bit of area east of it , between 2 rivers . We spent the night in the camp while our bard studied the weird symbols and runes on the map . He discovered that the map is to a tomb , which is guarded by undead creatures . Inside this tomb is a magical weapon of great power . The next day we headed out continuing our explorations . While exploring we came across some bears . We left them alone , giving them a wide breadth . Next we arrived at a fence with a smallish house in the distance . There was a scarecrow in the yard . Our bard had previously been some rumors of a witch in the area who was eating children , so it seemed like a good idea to check this house out . There was smoke coming out of the chimney of the house . There was a bell on the outside of the gate which I rang . An older ( and quite scary ) looking woman came to the door . I shouted at her to let us into the house , while making the most intimidating posture I could . I told her there had been rumors of problems in the area and we were investigating . She yelled at us to get off her property . I demanded that she let us in , seeing as how the ruler of this entire land was with us . The old woman slammed her wooden window shut . Our fighter decided he was tired of this crap and busted down the fence . He ran about halfway up to the house , with me , and the summoners eidolon following right behind . While I was coming up I suddenly noticed the scare crow in the yard come alive . He was able to get a spell off on the fighter and I , though he missed the eidolon who quickly took to the air , before turning around in a dive bomb trying to hit the scarecrow . However the eidolon then became caught up in the spell as well . Our summoner who was staying well back from this whole thing tried to cast a light damaging spell on the fighter to get him to snap out of this daze he was in . The summoner screwed up somehow and managed to hit himself with the spell . ( metagaming moment , at this point the whole table was rolling with laughter ) . His supposedly light spell managed to take out about half of his health . At this point the woman came out of her hut and came up and pushed our fighter to knock him out of the spell her scarecrow had cast . She accused us of being bandits trying to come onto her property and steal all the things she owns . Our fighter managed to talk her down and explain to her we had been sent to establish order , and that the new ruler of the area was with us . The fighter asked her what had happened to her to leave her looking so much like a hag . The woman stated it was something to do with magic . Then the fighter explained we just wanted to come onto the property and take a look around to make sure everything is ok . She says that is reasonable and allows us to look around the place . She said that she had heard the rumors about how she is eating children . She wants us to look around and make sure everything is ok , and spread the word that she in fact does not eat children . The cleric took a shine to the old woman and offered to leave some wine for her when we left . ( Kind of odd to see the cleric willing to share her wine with anyone … ) So after looking around and not finding any evidence of anything shady going on , we deemed that she was ok . She offers to make magical items for us at the standard price should we ever need them . She tells us that there is an island of lizard folk to the west . We offered to erect a sign just outside her gate to let others know that she is ok to stay in this area . She does ask us if we can do her a favor . There is a certain type of mushroom that she really likes and is offering to pay top gold for if we are able to find some and bring it back for her . We camped out that night in her yard , then left her hut and continued on with our exploring the next day . We came across a different lake called Candlemear , and our bard remembered hearing stories of strange lights dancing across this lake , oddly enough named Candlemear lights . In the middle of this lake we come across a Lizardfolk village on Candlemear island . The bard and fighter go across the river and find out there is a human child within the walls of the village . They can hear the human child screaming and crying . The lizards mention they have to scare the child to appease their Lizardfolk god . Next we explored the northwestern tower . The door was locked . There were some carvings on the door that looked Elvish in nature . The upper reaches of the tower were shrouded in vines from the forest canopy . While we were looking at these vines they started to move ! It turned out that these were assassin vines . We were able to pretty easily kill the vine , but we did take a few hits during the fight . Our cleric was nice enough to get us all healed up . Then the fighter smashed open the wooden door with Elvin carvings before anyone could stop him . There were some more vines inside the tower walls , we immediately got into a defensive position in case they decided to attack . Luckily for us it turned out they were not going to kill us . He got such a huge sneak attack off against our fighter that our fighter was damn near killed in 1 blow . The rogue went after him while our bard started doing his magical singing that makes us all stronger . I managed a hit off on this creature , but just barely touched him . Our cleric was able to get some healing done on our fighter . He was still looking pretty beat up , but the majority of the blood loss was curtailed . The rogue and I managed to get a few more hits in each . He was very difficult to get a hit off on him . He moved quite fast . Finally I was able to catch him off guard and got a really good hit in on him and killed him . We found a chest hidden in the back of the room . Our rogue picked the lock on the chest . We found some pretty awesome bling inside . We decided it was a good time to take a break . Skoll ( my wolf ) guarded the entrance , while those of us who don 't need a full nights rest to get back our magic took turns on guard duty . After my guarding time frame was over I took an hour to meditate so I could replenish my own spells , and then got some sleep . We also went and fully explored the previous tower that the quickling and come from . He apparently liked to scalp his previous victims , as we found a number of scalps nailed to the wall . We managed to find a few gems and a little bit of gold in his tower as well . We went for the third tower and found a lot of organic refuse . There were a few rats chewing on human flesh that scurried away from the light when we entered . Then all of a sudden we saw the rats coming back . There were a whole lot more of them . The rats were just pouring out of cracks in the walls and ground . It looked to be several rat swarms . I was able to use my shield to basically smash the rats in between my shield and the ground . This was pretty effective in killing them , but there were just SO many . I called Skoll into the room once I had the swarms distracted and on me , and he was able to bite them and rip their heads off . There were so many that when I was smashing my shield into the ground it was coming back up completely covered in blood , with rat bodies impaled on my shield spike . I was able to do considerably more damage to the rat with my shield than the others in my party were with their weapons . While the rogue , fighter , Skoll and I were doing battle with the rats our cleric was sitting outside saying " forget that , im not going in there , there 's RATS ! " Our bard stayed outside to keep her company , but he did also keep up his magical singing , which helped quite a bit with the killing of the rats . ( I think he was also helping the cleric appraise one of the rings that we had found in the quicklings loot . ) We finally killed off the last of the rats . The fighter then proceeded to take a lot of rat blood and guts off my shield in his hand and smear it all OVER our clerics dress . She was PISSED at him , while the rest of us were laughing . Lastly we explored the last tower on the outside edge of the keep . It contained some trinkets , as well as a statue of a god that I 've not heard of before . Finally we got to the inner tower of the keep . We went up the stairs and came across an elven woman at the top of the stairs . The elf woman started dancing and we all became dazzled by her dance steps . There was some serious magic going on there . Interesting side note , our cleric is a lesbian , so even she was dazzled by this woman 's dancing . The dancing was so good that none of us were even able to move . She started playing really close attention to our bard ( a half elf ) . She seemed to be very attracted to him . Our cleric offered up our bard in trade for letting us go . While amusing to the rest of the party , the dancing elf lady just ignored us and kept grinding up on the bard . The dancing elf lady then actually tried to tackle our bard , while at the same time reaching for the lace at the front of his pants . While disturbing to see , she finally stopped dancing and we were able to attack her . We started landing blows against her , and she seemed to be trying to bite the bard on the neck while still fumbling at the front of his pants . The bard later said it felt like all the energy was being drained from his body when she was doing that . After another few attacks with some stops in there for us when she started dancing to distract us again we were finally able to kill her . It did however take a lot longer than it should have . After killing her , and looting her house for every bit of loot we could find we headed back to town . Upon arriving I felt much stronger than I had previously . I also noticed that Skoll looked considerably stronger as well . ( I 'll metgame here for a moment and let you know we leveled up ) . So after the adventure with the tree demon we returned to the capitol to make sure everything was running ok . After that we continued to explore the land around our capitol . We want to get as good of an idea as we can as to what is around it . While exploring we came across the ruins of a keep . The front door of the keep had arched door ways , the doors long since rotted away . Our fighter decided to walk through the doors without checking for traps . Several tons of stone started to come down on top of him as he went in . Luckily his reflexes are pretty good and he was able to jump out of the way at the last second . There were 4 towers , one in each corner of the keep . The towers each had doors on them , and strangely the doors looked to be pretty new . Our rogue decided to walk up and knock on one of the doors . No one answered , and after checking for traps we opened the door . Inside were dead bodies nailed to the wall . There was blood all over the place . The quickling hit like a truck . When he stabs you it hurts ! Healing from our Cleric was required so we could move forward with fighting this thing . The biggest problem with trying to fight him though was finding him . There was also a smaller tower inside the center of the keep . We thought that the Quickling would be in the tower room , so we stuck someone at each one of the entrances to make sure he couldn 't escape . Our Summoner was casting oil on the floor in hopes that the quickling would move through it . I cast Entangle in the room in hopes of snagging it in place . Unfortunately when I did that it managed to tangle up a few of our party members . Ooops , sorry about that guys . I was actually entangled as well . Realizing I wasn 't going to be able to move I sent Skoll ( my wolf companion ) around to the other side in case our Rogue needed help guarding the door . This actually really helped things quite a bit because the Quickling decided to attack Skoll . A Quickling must become visible to attack . Our Bard was also on that side of the door with Skoll , our rogue and the Bard was stealthed , so the Quickling didn 't know the Bard was there . The bard came out of stealth and started playing a song that forced the Quickling to lay on the ground laughing . It was just the opportunity we needed ! Our Cleric was quick to get over to the Quickling and cast Faerie Fire on it , which basically caused it to glow . After that was cast the creature was able to take off . So with hind site this blog will be a little bit out of order . First I 'll be discussing the progression of the Province we are building , then I 'll get into some more specific things that occurred during our Province building . The province building itself is going to cover 6 months of time . The fist thing we did after establishing our capitol city was to declare our first holiday ! Gotta keep our people happy . We decided founders day would be the 1 yearly holiday we have every year . We 're possibly going to add some more in next year . We also passed an edict to promote ourselves to outside provinces and kingdoms . Basically we commissioned some political ads to go up in other places to get more settlers moving into our province . Next we claimed the plot of land next to our current plot . We built a castle around our capitol city so should the worst happen we have a way to defend ourselves . We also built a fishery and a farm next to the castle so our settlers would be able to be fed . The building of the castle was REALLY expensive , luckily with the resources provided to us by the other river kingdoms we were able to afford it . Next we built some mid - sized housing in our city so that our citizens wouldn 't have to be sleeping in tents anymore . On the other hex of land I mentioned claiming above we built another farm and fishery . It is pretty amazing how much people can eat , and how difficult it can be to manage food supply sometimes . Next we built an inn in our city so that travelers will have a place to stay when passing through . It also helps the local economy quite a bit to have that money coming in . Next we built a library and a brothel . Those travelers and our citizens are going to want to have something to read and someone to . . well , you know … Right about this time our citizens got unhappy with the fact that we had built a fishery so close to the castle . The ungrateful people were actually complaining about the smell of it . Never mind that half their food comes from the fishery . We decided as a group that they can deal with it since they 'd probably rather eat and have to smell the fish rather than starve to death . We next built a town hall to conduct meetings and offer citizens a place to gather . We also took over a hex with a gold mine in it . + 1 to our economy ! Also around this time one of our fine citizens studying at the local library that we had built for them made some kind of knowledge break through ( it was something to do with alchemy , not really my field so I don 't know all the details . ) The helped increase how well known our little province was which should be really helpful in getting people to settle here ! In the final month we heard more people complaining . We built a foundry next to the fishery and the citizens REALLY didn 't like that . We pretty much told them to deal with it . Even if it does smell bad its a good thing for the city . Eventually they 'll be able to expand out and move away from it . The current housing can become low income housing and everyone will be happy . The next big problem we ran into was some over zealous settlers moving into a hex that was not our property yet . They decided to build a mill there . Then these settlers decided to get into an argument with each other about which of them actually owns the mill . This group fighting was causing some unrest amongst the citizens in town . No doubt they have family members out there at this pirate mill . We 're deferring judgement for the moment about what to do with these squatters . During all this building time I had some downtime to myself . I spent the downtime working out and working on my skills . I feel much stronger about this now . One of the really cool things about my job though is that I 'm getting paid 140 gold a month to be the warden of the province . I also decided to order myself a new shield with shield spikes on it . This will be a shield made out of a lighter material with a little magic mixed in to make it so I hit things a bit harder when I shield bash them . We managed to find some time to do a little more exploring further out from the province . We ran into a dryad who told us that a tree demon had been harassing her . While hunting down this tree demon we came across a new river . I 'm of the opinion we should really start expanding the province in that direction . We 'll see . We managed to find the tree demon , he was about 20 feet tall . He took one swipe at me and beat me up pretty bad . Luckily our cleric was able to heal me right up . In the middle of the fight the tree demon decided he 'd had enough and started to run away . The fighter in the group chased after him and barely managed to kill him . The tree demon looked to be made of some pretty solid wood . We decided to have a trophy room at the castle to put up tokens of our adventures . We 'll be using the tree demon for shelving in the new trophy room . So , I don 't know if I mentioned it in the previous post , but we had managed to capture a wanted prisoner during our raid on the fort . We picked our Cleric to guard the prisoner while the rest of us cleared out the rest of the fort . During the search our fighter came across a Masterwork sword that was better than the one he had . He gave me his old Masterwork Long Sword , so that was nice to have . ( I still prefer beating the crap out of stuff with my shield though . ) The Dire Rats we were able to take care of with no problems . The Wolverine took some hits to take out , but in the end our fighter ended up getting a critical hit and literally chopping the guys Druids head off . The Spider Swarm was another problem entirely . The problem with the Spider Swarm is that it kept poisoning people in our party . If our party wasn 't quick enough on its saving throw then they would continue to take damage for awhile after they were poison . Luckily I was able to get away long enough to avoid being poisoned . Once we got done getting rid of all these nuances , we were able to finish looting . We found LOTS of stuff . Some awesome equipment , and lots of treasure . I walked away with about 1800 extra gold pieces . Once we had gotten done ransacking the place we decided it would be a good base of operations for future missions in the area . We 've named our new retreat Fort Tuskwater after the lake that it sits next to . I know I mentioned our former Paladin friend in the previous entry . We decided to ask him to stay behind and keep an eye on things while we headed back to Olegs Trading Post . We also asked the ex - Pally to talk to the gnomes and see if perhaps they would be interested in setting up a trading post in Fort Tuskwater as a way to make some money and help keep us supplied as need be . ( Side note , we heard back later while we were resting that the Gnomes said they aren 't interested in setting up a trading post ) . At that point we left the Pally to his duties and trekked our way back to Oleg 's Trading Post . On the way back we stopped by the temple where I had met up with the group previously . The priests in the temple offered us each a Masterwork weapon for free as a thank you for killing the Stag Lord . I picked up a Masterwork Composite Bow . Finally we arrived back at the Trading Post for some R & R . We sold a lot of stuff to Oleg and went away with LOTS of Gold Pieces . We decided to take a week to relax at Oleg 's . While I was scouting and exploring around the trading post area I came across a young wolf . He looked scrawny and beat up . I was able to lure him to me with some jerky . Once he figured out that I wasn 't going to hurt him he started taking food from my hand , but I couldn 't get him to come with me that first day . After several days of meeting him in the woods he finally decided it was safe to come with me , and stayed with me in my cabin that night . He seems to be sticking around . I named him Skoll . Around the 6th day we saw a giant dust cloud to the north of the Trading Post headed our way . We equipped our gear and got ready for a fight . The poor messenger who showed up at the gate didn 't understand why we looked like we were about to attack him . Turns out the leaders of Restov were quite happy with the groups progress so far . They sent us the following letter : " Be it so known that the bearers of this charter having delivered the northern reaches of the Greenbelt from the scourge of banditry , having provided detailed maps of the lay of the land , and having done no small amount of work in the exploration of said land and the culling of hostile monsters and indigenous hazards are hereby granted the right to rule . The nature and laws of rule are theirs to define , and the well being of this new nation is theirs to protect . In accordance for providing a stable nation to the south of central Rostland , let there be a generous stipend of funds , support , and advice provided to this fledgling nation as a token of Restov and Brevoy 's goodwill , such that future relations between kingdoms might be mutually beneficial . So witnessed under the watchful eye of the Lordship of Restov and by the authority granted by Lord Noleski Surtova , current Regent of the Dragonscale Throne . The large cloud of dust that we had seen in the distance turned out to be colonists for our new nation . They brought building supplies and materials with them so that we could start work on the capitol of our new nation . We discussed 3 different possibilities as to where our capitol city would be set up . We finally decided it would be good to start building it around Fort Tuskwater . We decided that Fort Tuskwater needed a better name . So after kicking around a few names we finally decided on Veridian ( which means green , considering we are in the Green Belt . ) We decided that this new nation would be called Tuskwater Province , so named after the lake that is smack dab in the middle of our nation . The next step was to appoint cabinet positions in our government . Our Rogue has become ruler over the nation . Given that he tends to remain pretty neutral in all dealings , it seemed he was the best choice for it . Our fighter became the general of our nation , and will control its army ( once it has one ) . I became the warden , enforcing law outside of the capitol and assisting the general as needed . Oleg ( of the fmous Oleg 's Trading Post ) agreed to become our treasurer , given how good he is with money . Our ex - Paladin friend agreed to become the Marshal of our new city , enforcing the law within its walls . This is where my journal entry will end for now . I look forward to more progress in the building of our nation . It is an exciting time for Tuskwater Province ! Hello , my name is Ricven . I 've been tasked by the leaders of Brevoy to go to the Stolen Lands and help a group of adventurers take back those lands from the monsters and bandits that live there , and establish a new kingdom . I guess to start with I should describe myself . I am a young human male , 5 ' 8 ″ 170 lbs with blonde hair . I am a Ranger . I spent much time in the forests around my home learning how to live off the land . I 've become very good at what I do . . I decided since this is the first time venturing away from my home I wanted to start a chronicle of my adventures . After traveling many days from my home I managed to come across the group I had been looking for at a local temple . It was dark when I arrived , so I do not know to which god the temple was dedicated . When I approached the camp I saw the bard on duty and hailed him as I approached . It was a tense few moments when he saw me and did not know who I was . I produced my charter and was able to convince him that I was a friend and not a foe . I settled down with everyone else for the night and got some rest . It 's a good thing I did too , because the next day was going to be a long one . Upon waking in the morning I made my introductions to all my new companions . We set out following the path of the river . Then we came across some loggers who seemed to be cutting down the trees in one of our areas . We also noticed that there was a fairy who seemed to be pretty angry with the loggers as they were cutting down her home . After some discussion with the loggers we were able to convince ( intimidate ) them into moving further up river and leaving the fairy 's home alone . In retribution for the cutting down of the trees that the loggers had taken we took several kegs of beer from them and loaded the kegs onto our horses . The fairy seemed indifferent to the whole thing , but she also knows that she owes us a favor . We then pressed on . Much later , towards evening time , we came across a band of gnomes who had gotten their wagon stuck in the water . The fighter in our group , and I , both waded out to help . Out of our group we are the best with animals , so it was the logical choice for us to head out . The gnomes were thankful for our help , and agreed to sup with us . While talking to the gnomes , they mentioned that they had a map of some unexplored by us areas . We tried to trade for the map , but unfortunately , the price was too high for us to be able to afford a copy of their map . They even offered us a discounted price since we helped them get their wagon out of the water , and it was still too high . The rogue in the party excused himself to go relieve himself in the woods . What we didn 't know at the time is that he was going to try and steal the gnomes copy of the map . Unfortunately the gnome leader was not quite as inebriated as we thought he was , and he did spot our rogue . The rogue was able to bluff his way out of the situation though as he himself had quite a bit to drink that evening . Once the party died down we went looking for our ultimate goal . We needed to kill the Stag Lord , supreme leader of the bandits in the area . There was a bounty on his head . My companions had previously met one of the bandit party leaders while they were out raiding honest people , and so knew what he looked like . The bard cast a spell on our cleric to make her look like the bandit leader we had met before . After giving the wrong password at the gate to the bandit camp , we managed to convince the guards at the gate that we were bandits returning with the spoils of war for our leader the Stag Lord . The guards sent someone to wake up the Stag Lord himself and come see what we had brought him . The Stag Lord appeared drunk when he showed up at the gate . We gave him a taste of the beer that the loggers gave us . He enjoyed it so much he immediately insisted the kegs be taken back to his tent . As the Stag Lord was turning away , our rogue tried to attack him . Noticing his attack I immediately pulled my shield off my back and got ready to attack . The Stag Lord tried to run , the guards seemed a bit confused as to what was going on , and the combat broke out . The first thing I did during the combat was bash the closest guard with my shield . The guard fell dead at my feet on my first hit . Another guard tried to run away after seeing the first go down , and as that guard was running I managed to bash her with my shield . She also fell dead at my feet . This continued to go on for what seemed like forever . Once the dust had settled and the fight was over I had 5 guards bodies laying at my feet . I do offer many thanks to my cleric healer who healed me twice during this melee . While I was fighting the guards my companions managed to take down the Stag Lord and also the Owlbear that the bandits were keeping in a cage . ( This owlbear explains why I had so many guards running past me trying to get away . ) We also met a Paladin who had reluctantly joined the bandits in an effort to survive . This is where I will end my tale for now . In the interim , please see my sketch of the Owlbear we faced . I 've heard from a distant relative that works on an American Air Force Base in Asia that we 're getting ready to bomb the crap out of North Korea . Keep in mind this is all circumstantial evidence . I know nothing for sure . Jets are being loaded with live missiles . The Air Force has been moving people to this particular base pretty heavily for the last 6 months . When my relative arrived there a few months ago there were so many people there that the relative had to rent housing off base . Also lots of jets have been relocated from an Arizona air base to this Asian air base . I 've found out because the wife of this relative doesn 't know how to keep her mouth shut . The property the laboratory is on is a bit of mess . It needs to be cleaned up , restored , and there 's a ton of work to be done to actually turn this into something worthy of Tesla 's legacy . The money we 're raising is simply to secure the property so no one can ever mess with it and guarantee that it 's a historic site . It opens up years and years of time to figure out how to build a proper Nikola Tesla museum . The Indiegogo campaign is linked directly to the bank account of Tesla Science Center at Wardenclyffe , formerly known as Friends of Science East , Inc . It is a 501 ( c ) 3 not - for - profit organization registered with the State of New York . You can read more about them and their board of directors here : Tesla Science Center at Wardenclyffe .
This king had two hundred wives , but none of them had borne a son to him . His subjects , seeing that he was becoming an old man , begged him to marry one of the spider 's daughters , as they always had plenty of children . But when the king saw the spider 's daughter he did not like her , as she was ugly , and the people said it was because her mother had had so many children at the same time . However , in order to please his people he married the ugly girl , and placed her among his other wives , but they all complained because she was so ugly , and said she could not live with them . The king , therefore , built her a separate house for herself , where she was given food and drink the same as the other wives . Every one jeered at her on account of her ugliness ; but she was not really ugly , but beautiful , as she was born with two skins , and at her birth her mother was made to promise that she should never remove the ugly skin until a certain time arrived save only during the night , and that she must put it on again before dawn . Now the king 's head wife knew this , and was very fearful lest the king should find it out and fall in love with the spider 's daughter ; so she went to a Ju Ju man and offered him two hundred rods to make a potion that would make the king forget altogether that the spider 's daughter was his wife . This the Ju Ju man finally consented to do , after much haggling over the price , for three hundred and fifty rods ; and he made up some " medicine , " which the head wife mixed with the king 's food . For some months this had the effect of making the king forget the spider 's daughter , and he used to pass quite close to her without recognising her in any way . When four months had elapsed and the king had not once sent for Adiaha ( for that was the name of the spider 's daughter ) , she began to get tired , and went back to her parents . Her father , the spider , then took her to another Ju Ju man , who , by making spells and casting lots , very soon discovered that it was the king 's head wife who had made the JuDirectly it was dark and all the lights were out she pulled off her ugly skin , and the king saw how beautiful she was , and was very pleased with her ; but when the cock crowed Adiaha pulled on her ugly skin again , and went back to her own house . The king 's head wife became more jealous than ever when Adiaha had a son ; so she went again to the Ju Ju man , and by giving him a large present induced him to give her some medicine which would make the king sick and forget his son . And the medicine would then make the king go to the Ju Ju man , who would tell him that it was his son who had made him sick , as he wanted to reign instead of his father . The Ju Ju man would also tell the king that if he wanted to recover he must throw his son away into the water . And the king , when he had taken the medicine , went to the Ju Ju man , who told him everything as had been arranged with the head wife . But at first the king did not want to destroy his son . Then his chief subjects begged him to throw his son away , and said that perhaps in a year 's time he might get another son . So the king at last agreed , and threw his son into the river , at which the mother grieved and cried bitterly . Then the head wife went again to the Ju Ju man and got more medicine , which made the king forget Adiaha for three years , during which time she was in mourning for her son . She then returned to her father , and he got some more medicine from his Ju Ju man , which Adiaha gave to the king . And the king knew her and called her to him again , and she lived with him as before . Now the Ju Ju who had helped Adiaha 's father , the spider , was a Water Ju Ju , and he was ready when the king threw his son into the water , and saved his life and took him home and kept him alive . And the boy grew up very strong . After a time Adiaha gave birth to a daughter , and her the jealous wife also persuaded the king to throw away . It took a longer time to persuade him , but at last he agreed , and threw his daughter into the water too , and forgot Adiaha again . But the Water Ju Ju was ready again , and when he had saved the little girl , he thought the time had arrived to punish the action of the jealous wife ; so he went about amongst the head young men and persuaded them to hold a wrestling match in the market - place every week . This was done , and the Water Ju Ju told the king 's son , who had become very strong , and was very like to his father in appearance , that he should go and wrestle , and that no one would be able to stand up before him . It was then arranged that there should be a grand wrestling match , to which all the strongest men in the country were invited , and the king promised to attend with his head wife . On the day of the match the Water Ju Ju told the king 's son that he need not be in the least afraid , and that his Ju Ju was so powerful , that even the strongest and best wrestlers in the country would not be able to stand up against him for even a few minutes . All the people of the country came to see the great contest , to the winner of which the king had promised to present prizes of cloth and money , and all the strongest men came . When they saw the king 's son , whom nobody knew , they laughed and said , " Who is this small boy ? He can have no chance against us . " But when they came to wrestle , they very soon found that they were no match for him . The boy was very strong indeed , beautifully made and good to look upon , and all the people were surprised to see how like he was to the king . After wrestling for the greater part of the day the king 's son was declared the winner , having thrown every one who had stood up against him ; in fact , some of his opponents had been badly hurt , and had their arms or ribs broken owing to the tremendous strength of the boy . After the match was over the king presented him with cloth and money , and invited him to dine with him in the evening . The boy gladly accepted his father 's invitation ; and after he had had a good wash in the river , put on his cloth and went up to the palace , where he found the head chiefs of the country and some of the king 's most favoured wives . They then sat down to their meal , and the king had his own son , whom he did not know , sitting next to him . On the other side of the boy sat the jealous wife , who had been the cause of all the trouble . All through the dinner this woman did her best to make friends with the boy , with whom she had fallen violently in love on account of his beautiful appearance , his strength , and his being the best wrestler in the country . The woman thought to herself , " I will have this boy as my husband , as my husband is now an old man and will surely soon die . " The boy , however , who was as wise as he was strong , was quite aware of everything the jealous woman had done , and although he pretended to be very flattered at the advances of the king 's head wife , he did not respond very readily , and went home as soon as he could . So the following morning the boy went to the king , who readily granted his request , and at once sent all round the country appointing a day for all the people to come in and hear the case tried . Then the boy went back to the Water Ju Ju , who told him to go to his mother and tell her who he was , and that when the day of the trial arrived , she was to take off her ugly skin and appear in all her beauty , for the time had come when she need no longer wear it . This the son did . When the day of trial arrived , Adiaha sat in a corner of the square , and nobody recognised the beautiful stranger as the spider 's daughter . Her son then sat down next to her , and brought his sister with him . Immediately his mother saw her she said - The king and his head wife then arrived and sat on their stones in the middle of the square , all the people saluting them with the usual greetings . The king then addressed the people , and said that he had called them together to hear a strong palaver at the request of the young man who had been the victor of the wrestling , and who had promised that if the case went against him he would offer up his life to the Egbo . The king also said that if , on the other hand , the case was decided in the boy 's favour , then the other party would be killed , even though it were himself or one of his wives ; whoever it was would have to take his or her place on the killing - stone and have their heads cut off by the Egbos . To this all the people agreed , and said they would like to hear what the young man had to say . The young man then walked round the square , and bowed to the king and the people , and asked the question , " Am I not worthy to be the son of any chief in the country ? " And all the people answered " Yes ! " The boy then brought his sister out into the middle , leading her by the hand . She was a beautiful girl and well made . When every one had looked at her he said , " Is not my sister worthy to be any chief 's daughter ? " And the people replied that she was worthy of being any one 's daughter , even the king 's . Then he called his mother Adiaha , and she came out , looking very beautiful with her best cloth and beads on , and all the people cheered , as they had never seen a finer woman . The boy then asked them , " Is this woman worthy of being the king 's wife ? " And a shout went up from every one present that she would be a proper wife for the king , and looked as if she would be the mother of plenty of fine healthy sons . When the king knew that the wrestler was his son he was very glad , and told the Egbos to take the jealous woman away , and punish her in accordance with their laws . The Egbos decided that the woman was a witch ; so they took her into the forest and tied her up to a stake , and gave her two hundred lashes with a whip made from hippopotamus hide , and then burnt her alive , so that she should not make any more trouble , and her ashes were thrown into the river . The king then embraced his wife and daughter , and told all the people that she , Adiaha , was his proper wife , and would be the queen for the future . That night the king gave a big feast to all his subjects , and told them how glad he was to get back his beautiful wife whom he had never known properly before , also his son who was stronger than all men , and his fine daughter . The feast continued for a hundred and sixty - six days ; and the king made a law that if any woman was found out getting medicine against her husband , she should be killed at once . Then the king built three new compounds , and placed many slaves in them , both men and women . One compound he gave to his wife , another to his son , and the third he gave to his daughter . They all lived together quite happily for some years until the king died , when his son came to the throne and ruled in his stead . There was once a king who was very powerful . He had great influence over the wild beasts and animals . Now the tortoise was looked upon as the wisest of all beasts and men . This king had a son named Ekpenyon , to whom he gave fifty young girls as wives , but the prince did not like any of them . The king was very angry at this , and made a law that if any man had a daughter who was finer than the prince 's wives , and who found favour in his son 's eyes , the girl herself and her father and mother should be killed . Now about this time the tortoise and his wife had a daughter who was very beautiful . The mother thought it was not safe to keep such a fine child , as the prince might fall in love with her , so she told her husband that her daughter ought to be killed and thrown away into the bush . The tortoise , however , was unwilling , and hid her until she was three years old . One day , when both the tortoise and his wife were away on their farm , the king 's son happened to be hunting near their house , and saw a bird perched on the top of the fence round the house . The bird was watching the little girl , and was so entranced with her beauty that he did not notice the prince coming . The prince shot the bird with his bow and arrow , and it dropped inside the fence , so the prince sent his servant to gather it . While the servant was looking for the bird he came across the little girl , and was so struck with her form , that he immediately returned to his master and told him what he had seen . The prince then broke down the fence and found the child , and fell in love with her at once . He stayed and talked with her for a long time , until at last she agreed to become his wife . He then went home , but concealed from his father the fact that he had fallen in love with the beautiful daughter of the tortoise . But the next morning he sent for the treasurer , and got sixty pieces of cloth and three hundred rods , and sent them to the tortoise . Then in the early afternoon he went down to the tortoise 's house , and told him that he wished to marry his daughter . The tortoise saw at once that what he had dreaded had come to pass , and that his life was in danger , so he told the prince that if the king knew , he would kill not only himself ( the tortoise ) , but also his wife and daughter . The prince replied that he would be killed himself before he allowed the tortoise and his wife and daughter to be killed . Eventually , after much argument , the tortoise consented , and agreed to hand his daughter to the prince as his wife when she arrived at the proper age . Then the prince went home and told his mother what he had done . She was in great distress at the thought that she would lose her son , of whom she was very proud , as she knew that when the king heard of his son 's disobedience he would kill him . However , the queen , although she knew how angry her husband would be , wanted her son to marry the girl he had fallen in love with , so she went to the tortoise and gave him some money , clothes , yams , and palm - oil as further dowry on her son 's behalf in order that the tortoise should not give his daughter to another man . For the next five years the prince was constantly with the tortoise 's daughter , whose name was Adet , and when she was about to be put in the fatting house , the prince told his father that he was going to take Adet as his wife . On hearing this the king was very angry , and sent word all round his kingdom that all people should come on a certain day to the market - place to hear the palaver . When the appointed day arrived the market - place was quite full of people , and the stones belonging to the king and queen were placed in the middle of the market - place . When the king and queen arrived all the people stood up and greeted them , and they then sat down on their stones . The king then told his attendants to bring the girl Adet before him . When she arrived the king was quite astonished at her beauty . He then told the people that he had sent for them to tell them that he was angry with his son for disobeying him and taking Adet as his wife without his knowledge , but that now he had seen her himself he had to acknowledge that she was very beautiful , and that his son had made a good choice . He would therefore forgive his son . When the people saw the girl they agreed that she was very fine and quite worthy of being the prince 's wife , and begged the king to cancel the law he had made altogether , and the king agreed ; and as the law had been made under the " Egbo " law , he sent for eight Egbos , and told them that the order was cancelled throughout his kingdom , and that for the future no one would be killed who had a daughter more beautiful than the prince 's wives , and gave the Egbos palm wine and money to remove the law , and sent them away . Then he declared that the tortoise 's daughter , Adet , should marry his son , and he made them marry the same day . A great feast was then given which lasted for fifty days , and the king killed five cows and gave all the people plenty of foo - foo and palm - oil chop , and placed a large number of pots of palm wine in the streets for the people to drink as they liked . The women brought a big play to the king 's compound , and there was singing and dancing kept up day and night during the whole time . The prince and his companions also played in the market square . When the feast was over the king gave half of his kingdom to the tortoise to rule over , and three hundred slaves to work on his farm . The prince also gave his father - in - law two hundred women and one hundred girls to work for him , so the tortoise became one of the richest men in the kingdom . The prince and his wife lived together for a good many years until the king died , when the prince ruled in his place . And all this shows that the tortoise is the wisest of all men and animals . June 11 , 2017 by bennythomas We were camping in the oasis . My companions were asleep . An Arab , tall and white , went past me . He had been tending to his camels and was going to his sleeping place . I threw myself on my back into the grass . I wanted to sleep . I couldn 't . The howling of a jackal in the distance - I sat up straight again . And what had been so far away was suddenly close by . A swarming pack of jackals around me , their eyes flashing dull gold and going out , slender bodies moving in a quick , coordinated manner , as if they were being controlled by a whip . " I 'm the oldest jackal for miles around . I 'm happy I 'm still able to welcome you here . I had already almost given up hope , for we 've been waiting for you an infinitely long time . My mother waited , and her mother , and all her mothers , right back to the mother of all jackals . Believe me ! " " That surprises me , " I said , forgetting to light the pile of wood which lay ready to keep the jackals away with its smoke , " I 'm very surprised to hear that . I 've come from the high north merely by chance and am in the middle of a short trip . What do you want then , Jackal ? " " We know , " the oldest began , " that you come from the north . Our hope rests on that very point . In the north there is a way of understanding things which one cannot find here among the Arabs . You know , from their cool arrogance one cannot strike a spark of common sense . They kill animals to eat them , and they disregard rotting carcasses . " " You really are a stranger , " said the jackal . " Otherwise you would know that throughout the history of the world a jackal has never yet feared an Arab . Should we fear them ? Is it not misfortune enough that we have been cast out among such people ? " " Maybe - that could be , " I said . " I 'm not up to judging things which are so far removed from me . It seems to be a very old conflict - it 's probably in the blood and so perhaps will only end with blood . " " You are very clever " said the old jackal , and they all panted even more quickly , their lungs breathing rapidly , although they were standing still . A bitter smell streamed out of their open jaws - at times I could tolerate it only by clenching my teeth . " You are very clever . What you said corresponds to our ancient doctrine . So we take their blood , and the quarrel is over . " " You do not understand us , " he said , " a characteristic of human beings which has not disappeared , not even in the high north . We are not going to kill them . The Nile would not have enough water to wash us clean . The mere sight of their living bodies makes us run away immediately into cleaner air , into the desert , which , for that very reason , is our home . " " So what do you intend to do , " I asked . I wanted to stand up , but I couldn 't . Two young animals were holding me firmly from behind with their jaws biting into my jacket and shirt . I had to remain sitting . " They are holding your train , " said the old jackal seriously , by way of explanation , " a mark of respect . " " They should let me go , " I cried out , turning back and forth between the old one and the young ones . " Of course , they will , " said the old one , " if that 's what you want . But it will take a little while , for , as is our habit , they have dug their teeth in deep and must first let their jaws open gradually . Meanwhile , listen to our request . " " Your conduct has not made me particularly receptive to it , " I said . " Don 't make us pay for our clumsiness , " he said , and now for the first time he brought the plaintive tone of his natural voice to his assistance . " We are poor animals - all we have is our teeth . For everything we want to do - good and bad - the only thing available to us is our teeth . " " So what do you want ? " I asked , only slightly reassured . " Sir , " he cried out , and all the jackals howled . To me it sounded very remotely like a melody . " Sir , you should end the quarrel which divides the world in two . Our ancestors described a man like you as the one who will do it . We must be free of the Arabs - with air we can breathe , a view of the horizon around us clear of Arabs , no cries of pain from a sheep which an Arab has knifed , and every animal should die peacefully and be left undisturbed for us to drain it empty and clean it right down to the bones . Cleanliness - that 's what we want - nothing but cleanliness . " Now they were all crying and sobbing . " How can you bear it in this world , you noble heart and sweet entrails ? Dirt is their white ; dirt is their black ; their beards are horrible ; looking at the corner of their eyes makes one spit ; and if they lift their arms , hell opens up in their arm pits . And that 's why , sir , that 's why , my dear sir , with the help of your all - capable hands , with the help of your all - capable hands you must use these scissors to slit right through their throats . " He jerked his head , and in response a jackal came up carrying on its canine tooth a small pair of sewing scissors covered with old rust . " So , you too , sir , have seen and heard this spectacle , " said the Arab , laughing as cheerfully as the reticence of his race permitted . " So you know what the animals want , " I asked . " Of course , sir , " he said . " That 's common knowledge - as long as there are Arabs , these scissors wander through the deserts and will wander with us until the end of days . Every European is offered them for the great work ; every European is exactly the one who seems to them qualified to do it . These animals have an absurd hope . They 're idiots , real idiots . That 's why we 're fond of them . They are our dogs , finer than the ones you have . Now , watch this . In the night a camel died . I have had it brought here . " Four bearers came and threw the heavy carcass right in front of us . No sooner was it lying there than the jackals raised their voices . Every one of them crept forward , its body scraping the ground , as if drawn by an irresistible rope . They had forgotten the Arabs , forgotten their hatred . The presence of a powerfully stinking dead body wiped out everything and enchanted them . One of them was already hanging at the camel 's throat and with its first bite had found the artery . Like a small raging pump which - with a determination matched only by its hopelessness - seeks to put out an overpowering fire , every muscle of its body pulled and twitched in its place . Then right away all them were lying there on the corpse in a mountainous heap , working in the same way . Then the leader cracked his sharp whip powerfully all around above them . They raised their heads , half fainting in their intoxicated state , looked at the Arab standing in front of them , started to feel the whip now hitting their muzzles , jumped away , and ran back a distance . But the camel 's blood was already lying there in pools , stinking to heaven , and the body was torn wide open in several places . They could not resist . They were there again . The leader once more raised his whip . I grabbed his arm . " Sir , you are right , " he said . " We 'll leave them to their calling . Besides , it 's time to break camp . You 've seen them . Wonderful creatures , aren 't they ? And how they hate us ! " June 7 , 2017 by bennythomas The circulation of oceans is very much like the atmosphere , which is freer and faster . There is greater total flow of ocean water towards the equator than towards the poles . The reason for this seems to be the excess of evaporation over precipitation in the doldrum * belt of greatest heat . The resulting rains stir the sea . The wind influences the water below it creating little ripples that are far more efficient than the bigger waves in absorbing energy from the sky . These ripples can be compared to atoms making up in coordination and numbers what power they lack as individuals . Due to intense solar heating near the equator , the warm , moist air is forced up into the atmosphere like a hot air balloon . As the air rises , it cools , causing persistent bands of showers and storms around the Earth 's midsection . The rising air mass finally subsides in what is known as the horse latitudes , where the air moves downward toward Earth 's surface . Because the air circulates in an upward direction , there is often little surface wind in the ITCZ . That is why sailors well know that the area can becalm sailing ships for weeks . And that 's why they call it the doldrums . ( Source : ocean service . noaa . gov ) June 6 , 2017 by bennythomas Long ago , in a part of the country not very remote from Kioto , the great gay city , there dwelt an honest couple . In a lonely place was their cottage , upon the outskirts of a deep wood of pine trees . Folks had it that the wood was haunted . They said it was full of deceiving foxes ; they said that beneath the mossy ground the elves built their kitchens ; they said that long - nosed Tengu had tea - parties in the forest thrice a month , and that the fairies ' children played at hide - and - seek there every morning before seven . Over and above all this they didn 't mind saying that the honest couple were queer in their ways , that the woman was a wise woman , and that the man was a warlock - which was as may be . But sure it was that they did no harm to living soul , that they lived as poor as poor , and that they had one fair daughter . She was as neat and pretty as a princess , and her manners were very fine ; but for all that she worked as hard as a boy in the rice - fields , and within doors she was the housewife indeed , for she washed and cooked and drew water . She went barefoot in a grey homespun gown , and tied her back hair with a tough wistaria tendril . Brown she was and thin , but the sweetest beggar - maid that ever made shift with a bed of dry moss and no supper . " Now listen , " says the mother , " and afterwards remember . It is a bad thing for a poor girl to be pretty . If she is pretty and lonely and innocent , none but the gods will help her . They will help you , my poor child , and I have thought of a way besides . Fetch me the great black rice - bowl from the shelf . " So the child , having the black bowl upon her head , held her mother in her arms in a grassy place near the great trees , and presently they saw the fairies ' children threading their way between the dark trunks as they played at hide - and - seek . Their bright garments fluttered , and they laughed lightly as they went . The mother smiled to see them ; before seven she died very sweetly as she smiled . When her little store of rice was done , the maid with the wooden bowl knew well enough that she must starve or go and find more . So first she tended her father 's and mother 's graves and poured water for the dead , as is meet , and recited many a holy text . Then she bound on her sandals , kilted her grey skirts to show her scarlet petticoat , tied her household gods in a blue printed handkerchief , and set out all alone to seek her fortunes , the brave girl ! For all her slenderness and pretty feet she was a rarely odd sight , and soon she was to know it . The great black bowl covered her head and shadowed her face . As she went through a village two women looked up from washing in the stream , stared and laughed . " Out upon her , " cries the other , " for a shameless wench ! Out upon her false modesty to roam the country thus with her head in a black bowl , as who should cry aloud to every passing man , ' Come and see what is hidden ! ' It is enough to make a wholesome body sick . " On went the poor maid , and sometimes the children pelted her with mud and pebbles for sport . Sometimes she was handled roughly by village louts , who scoffed and caught at her dress as she went ; they even laid hands upon the bowl itself and sought to drag it from her head by force . But they only played at that game once , for the bowl stung them as fiercely as if it had been a nettle , and the bullies ran away howling . The beggar - maiden might seek her fortune , but it was very hard to find . She might ask for work ; but see , would she get it ? None were wishful to employ a girl with a black bowl on her head . At last , on a fine day when she was tired out , she sat her upon a stone and began to cry as if her heart would break . Down rolled her tears from under the black bowl . They rolled down her cheeks and reached her white chin . A wandering ballad - singer passed that way , with his biwa slung across his back . He had a sharp eye and marked the tears upon the maid 's white chin . It was all he could see of her face , and , " Oh , girl with the black bowl on your head , " quoth he , " why do you sit weeping by the roadside ? " " Now that 's unfortunate , " said the ballad - singer , for he had a kind heart ; " but I haven 't a rin of my own , or it would be yours . Indeed I am sorry for you . In the circumstances the best I can do for you is to make you a little song . " With that he whips his biwa round , thrums on it with his fingers and starts as easy as you please . " To the tears on your white chin , " he says , and sings : " The white cherry blooms by the roadside , How black is the canopy of cloud ! The wild cherry droops by the roadside , Beware of the black canopy of cloud . Hark , hear the rain , hear the rainfall From the black canopy of cloud . Alas , the wild cherry , its sweet flowers are marred , Marred are the sweet flowers , forlorn on the spray ! " " Yet it is plain enough , " said the ballad - singer , and went his way . He came to the house of a passing rich farmer . In he went , and they asked him to sing before the master of the house . " With all the will in the world , " says the ballad - singer . " I will sing him a new song that I have just made . " So he sang of the wild cherry and the great black cloud . " With all the will in the world , " quoth the ballad - singer . " The wild cherry is the face of a maiden whom I saw sitting by the wayside . She wore a great black wooden bowl upon her head , which is the great black cloud in my song , and from under it her tears flowed like rain , for I saw the drops upon her white chin . And she said that she wept for hunger , and because no one would give her work nor pay her money . " The long and short of it was that the maid was put to labour in the rich farmer 's harvest - fields . All the day long she worked in the waving rice , with her grey skirts kilted and her sleeves bound back with cords . All day long she plied the sickle , and the sun shone down upon the black bowl ; but she had food to eat and good rest at night , and was well content . She found favour in her master 's eyes , and he kept her in the fields till all the harvest was gathered in . Then he took her into his house , where there was plenty for her to do , for his wife was but sickly . Now the maiden lived well and happily as a bird , and went singing about her labours . And every night she thanked the august gods for her good fortune . Still she wore the black bowl upon her head . Presently home he comes , the handsome young man . Then the neighbours were called in , and great was the merry - making . They feasted and they danced , they jested and they sang , many a bowl of good red rice they ate , and many a cup of good saké they drank . All this time the girl , with bowl on her head , plied her work modestly in the kitchen , and well out of the way she was - the farmer 's wife saw to that , good soul ! All the same , one fine day the company called for more wine , and the wine was done , so the son of the house takes up the saké bottle and goes with it himself to the kitchen . What should he see there but the maiden sitting upon a pile of faggots , and fanning the kitchen fire with a split bamboo fan ! When the time came , the young maidens of the village went to array the bride . They dressed her in a fair and costly robe of white brocade , and in trailing hakama of scarlet silk , and on her shoulders they hung a cloak of blue and purple and gold . They chattered , but as for the bride she said never a word . She was sad because she brought her bridegroom nothing , and because his parents were sore at his choice of a beggar - maid . She said nothing , but the tears glistened on her white chin . Then the black bowl burst asunder with a loud noise , and fell to the ground in a thousand pieces . With it fell a shower of silver and gold , and pearls and rubies and emeralds , and every jewel of price . Great was the astonishment of the company as they gazed upon a dowry that for a princess would have been rich and rare . Trujillo was obsessed with whiteness . He saw the island of Hispaniola as a physical polarisation between light and dark , and his mission was to keep the darkness at bay . Known for powdering his own skin to appear whiter , Trujillo saw the exodus of Jewish people from Eastern Europe in the time between Hitler 's rise to power and the closing of the borders as an opportunity to further his racial agenda . At the conference , Trujillo agreed to accept up to 100 , 000 Jews into his country , hoping that they would procreate with Dominican women , who would then give birth to lighter - skinned babies . Despite these dark motives , his offer was an opportunity to survive that couldn 't be passed up . The DR issued approximately 5 , 000 visas to European Jews between the Evian Conference and 1944 , but due to travel issues , political tensions and some uncertainty about relocating to the Caribbean nation , fewer than 1 , 000 Jews ever made it to the DR . Those that did were given land and livestock , and the opportunity to start rebuilding their lives . A mixture of beef and pork , the salami made at Ganadera was by no means Kosher , and many of the Jewish families who settled in Sosúa raised pigs . " They didn 't stay Kosher , " Schwarz said of her parents . " After you almost died of hunger , whatever you can find to eat you eat , and you don 't care if it 's Kosher or not . " ( This reminds me of the lost son in the parable of the Prodigal Son who was reduced to eat husks given to the swine . A dismal prospect of diaspora - b )
survive in the forest , and that training made him the best hunter in Aldreth . Or it would have , if he could hunt . Tarrin had learned from the best hunter in being with awesome power , and that made the common village folk a bit nervous . Tarrin had seen katzh - dashi before . Every five years , they scoured the even dye it . And she was an outstanding seamstress and an even better cook . Elke made functional , rugged clothing that would last for years . And with the turned around . The cart was out front , with the roan Treader hooked up to it . It was laden with his sword and staff , some of the clothes his mother would came from as far as Ultern to buy them . He also made bows , but not as often . He stated more than once that he didn 't have the patience to make bows much arrows a day . Occasionally he got the itch to craft a truly exceptional bow . He would spend up to four months on it , but it was well worth the effort , tricks and feints , and it only killed when you consciously decided to do so . But Knights didn 't use staves too often . The sword or the axe was the common Academy . And he did , probably better than anyone in the village except his mother . His father had already admitted that his son was a better swordsman than him . letting go . He handed her the carving knife she was reaching for absently . " I guess parents don 't like seeing their kids grow up . It makes us feel hundred paces . With every round , they were moved back twenty five paces . Tarrin 's family more or less dominated this event . Tarrin and Eron Kael were As surely as the sun rose in the east , Eron was right . Garyth consulted with the official tallyman , then made an announcement . " There is a tie , " he called . " Three people put all ten arrows wind . It hit just at the edge of the bull 's - eye , but it still counted as one . He noted with concern that Jenna nailed the center with her first shot , but well his first time , but didn 't win . Because the same thing happened to him . The target was pushed back out of his range . He stepped over to her as she winner ! " he called . " The scores are : Kanly Mills , eight points . Aaron Noth , nine points . Tarrin Kael , ten points . Jenna Kael , ten points . Joran Wanderer , ten points . And the winner , Eron Kael , with twelve the size that it was when Tarrin cut it down . That was the way ironwood was . Tarrin had wisely made his staff using his mother 's height as his guide , had enough wood for two , and had made another one for himself at that height . Jenna owned that one now , it was almost perfect for her . A bit too tall maybe , names . " Karn Rocksplitter 's competing this year , " Eron noticed . Karn was from Daltochan , the mountain kingdom in the Cloud Dancer Mountains to the north , and like all Dals , he was wide and powerfully built . Being a " Eron , are you ready ? " the mayor called . Eron nodded . " Tarrin , are you ready ? " Tarrin nodded . " Alright , just remember that we 're here for fun , not to knock out teeth . Ready ? Go ! " knees and hit only one knee . He didn 't have a low enough angle to get both . Eron dipped as his lamed knee unlocked , but he didn 't go down . There was some she said with a smile . She held out the amulet to them . " Here , take it . Hold it in your hands , and tell me what you feel . " sensation that was warm and icy at the same time , and not entirely pleasant . She let his hand go , and he gawked at it . His fingers were smooth , pink skin , along the western sky . His parents and the woman had been missing for hours . Tarrin still held Jenna very close , for though she had stopped weeping , she only bring what I tell you . You may bring enough clothing for the journey . You may bring a knife for utility , you may bring any books that you own , and secret box , full of all the things that a young boy thought were important . Many things had been into and out of this box , some of them even alive . He Fountain of Swans . There were many other landmarks in the city , like the Black Tower , a tower that was once home to a wizard , and now was a cursed place . Many came Tarrin didn 't have a real interest in her in the way the other boys did . Although she was very pretty , Tarrin thought of her as a friend , not like that . She was wearing a plain wool travelling dress , one of her older ones so that knees of the breeches a bit thin from his need to constantly kneel . " Tarrin , " he said simply as he sat down . Tarrin and Walten didn 't as she sat down . " Eat quickly , young ones . We do not have much time . Tarrin , take the packs and go help Faalken pack the pack horses . " " Alright , " Tarrin said , and he went to work . He pulled out one horse at at time , then saddled it with the pack saddle . After that , he put on the bridle , then began tying packs and tents to the then get on a riverboat and take it to Ultern . That takes about nine days . From Ultern to Jerinhold , and then to Suld , takes five days . Twenty - four days , his roan . " Alright , young ones , " Dolanna said in her calm voice . " Let us be off . Tarrin , you lead the pack horses for now . " not long after they started out . It put a fighter at each end of the caravan . Faalken took the lead , occasionally scouting ahead , leaving Tarrin to defend there was a reason . He looked around . Walten and Faalken were still asleep . The window was open , and a cool breeze blew in from the rather warm summer yelped and drew it back . " Aaii ! " he hissed , shaking his hand . " Faalken , the hall must be on fire ! I can 't even put my hand on the as the fire swept in after him . He didn 't have time to do this gracefully . Just as the fire was about to engulf him , he turned and dove headfirst out the fire spread without the use of oil or magic , " Dolanna said sourly . " By the Goddess 's grace , nobody was killed . You were the last one out , " They 're over here , " Faalken assured him . " You landed right on the bow . You 'd best make sure it didn 't crack . " the quiver cap . The rain sounded like it was beginning to taper off outside . " I don 't think I 'll ever understand that , " he said . she , " she said in a level voice . " But I am a katzh - dashi . By law and the agreements between the Tower and the King , you must obey my is at home , " the guard called down as the gates began to creak and groan . The left gate pulled away slightly , moving at a slow , loud pace . " I 'm have baths arranged for you , and some dinner , and some rooms with soft beds . We can catch up on old times in the morning , over breakfast . Tiv , have the large corridor much like the one below , again with a rug on the floor . " Each of you pick a room , " he offered , pointing down the corridor . " People will arrive very soon and draw baths for you and bring up your feet . He saw the indistinct shadow across the bed , between him and his staff . It hunkered down a bit , and then suddenly was flying towards him with shocking voice , tightly controlled , " Faalken , do exactly as I say . Do not argue . Let go of him , Faalken , let go of him and step away from him very get over it . " What 's done is done , " his mother would always say . " Worry too much over what 's behind you and you don 't see the root in front of you , " his father would remark . It was done . He had been , been changed . Crying and panicking over it would do no good , and breaking down wasn 't going position . While doing so , he sat on something that had a feeling of pressure . Reaching under him with his other hand , he grabbed something that felt the sensation of being grabbed . Almost absently , he realized that it was a tail . Whirling images of the nude creature came back to him then , and he realized his mind wasn 't precisely another mind , it was a different aspect of his own . The Cat was part of him , but it was not . More to the point , it was a new part one arm . If that wasn 't " great strength " he had no idea what was . " Were - kin can be hurt by weapons , but they cannot cause permanent injury Tarrin looked at her , her smell filling his nose . " I don 't know , " he said simply , leaning back against the headboard . " If she can smell the same way I can , then if she knew my scent , she 'd time to get familiar with yourself . Learn how to move your tail , for example . I will have Faalken check in with you about once an hour , so that if you need feet , heels off the floor , understanding why they were so wide . Stability . There was one other thing that got his attention , and that was the hair . His it , either . She looked the same as she always had , but somehow , she didn 't . As she got closer , he had to look down at her more and more , and then he " Strange , " he said , looking down at himself . " But in a way , it doesn 't . It 's like it 's always been like this . " and smells and sights I see and hear and smell , that I just can 't describe . You have milk and ale in those mugs , " he told him . " I think you were He decided that he was going at this the wrong way . Instead of making it stop , he decided to make it move the way he wanted it to . He watched it sway back and forth of its own volition , studying what he was minutes , and placed a stone on the board , then went back to watching his tail . After a few more minutes , he thought he had it . Instead of making it stop , made it past the edge of his other shoulder . He wondered how strong it was . If it had the same inhuman strength he did , then it would actually be a rather stopped her , even if you knew she was coming . There 's no blame to be taken . I 'm not dead , you know . I 'll learn to deal with this . " wouldn 't . It 's hard to explain , but part of it makes you accept it . I 've only been like this for a few days , and only one of those awake , but it 's " Let 's take it a step further , " Arren said . " Tarrin , you will dine with us tonight , " he ordered . " I 've told about himself , was to do . And sitting in the room didn 't teach him much . Still , the concept of it was frightening . He couldn 't shake the vision of a of death . Of evil . Tarrin had no idea how he knew that , but he did . He felt his ears lay back on his head , and he instantly assumed a wide - footed gather up your belongings . Do not leave each other . Visit each room in turn . When you have everything , go to the landing of the stairwell on the fourth the two young men , they were on their way to Walten 's room in minutes . Walten 's room was even faster . They went up to the same corridor where Tarrin rushed into his room and he collected up everything of his that he could find . But most of his belongings were missing , especially his staff and his bow . He for any reason , unless I tell you that it is alright , " she warned . " Do not get too close to the windows . Do not even get close enough to three . " We 'll be getting an early start , so I suggest we go to bed now . Tiella , go sleep in Dolanna 's chamber . Walten , you and Tarrin sleep in the him . " They can assume the form of the animal to which they are bonded . But I do recall hearing or reading that the Were - cats are different than the Dolanna smiled and put a hand on the back of his . " With luck and hope , tonight will not be as bad , " she told him . " You must still spend it alone , but as we travel , I will teach you ways to the room . He was sandy - eyed and bleary ; Walten was not a morning person . Tarrin checked his packs , and realized that all of his trousers had been claws were right there , and they could hit and cut the bowstring . " Walten , I . . . I can 't use this anymore , " he said , holding up the bow . " Would you like to have it ? " then was handed a plain brown robe by Dolanna when he pushed his plate away . Although if fit , it was not comfortable . The hood pressed down on his ears in barely make it out . A familiar smell , though he 'd never smelled it before . Familiar because it was close to his own . " The other one was here , " jumped when a ball of fire erupted from his hands and streaked right at them . It struck something in front of them , something invisible , and exploded . Tiella screamed and Tarrin had to supress the sudden urge to run away when an inferno know that . Why send that woman after Tarrin , when she could have attacked you ? If they got you , Dolanna , the rest of us would probably just turn around and the right to take their lives . That scared him more than the Cat dreams . Tarrin had suppressed the shock , fear , and horror at what he had done , but when sleep to be too frightening to contemplate , so he dressed and left the tent . Three men were standing guard around the camp , and the fire was low . He spent and command them to do their bidding . Much like the Wraith that he had seen . Priests , or Clerics , were the worshippers of Gods , and it was the Gods that spell ? And why didn 't Dolanna do that to the Wizard when they were fighting ? How did Priests call on the Gods for their magic ? Could anyone ? The book learn of the creatures from beyond that they could summon up into the world ? And just what did the Druids do ? Why could only Sorcerers create Illusions ? Why could Wizards only summon creatures from beyond ? Just what magic did the leaning back against a log . " I prefer stories and poetry myself . " Tarrin went back to his book , and after a few moments , the man spoke again . " Is that what you always read ? " he asked curiously . knew it , he could feel it . And there was nothing he could do about it . He could only hope that he could temper it . So that there would be some part said , holding up his hand - paw , " this is not what you were a few days ago . It 's different now . You have to let yourself get used to it , but that doesn 't told him . " Don 't keep thinking about it as it and you . There is no it and you . It 's just you . What you have in here , " she said , " It 's like a counterbalance , " he told her . " I can lean farther down , and that lets me run faster . I don 't fall over that one thing was the target . Dolanna was teaching him to center himself on himself . She told him that that was the first step to using Sorcery , to look within , and some dried fruit , but Tarrin was more thankful for the time out of the saddle . His back didn 't agree with all the bouncing around . He put his paws on his back " It 's an unhappy place , all right , " he said . " I 've been there a few times . Children are taught that the people on the " There 's no such place , " Walten scoffed . " My father told me that the tales about Amazar are a bunch of baloo . There 's no Amazar , no Sha ' Kari , and there 's no such things as dragons . " " Ah , that 's a long tale , " he said . " Let 's just say that I was a young man with a wanderlust . It 's not that hair . Their features were similar ; they were either brothers or cousins . Tarrin let the rear hoof of the horse down slowly as the two boys looked at him the largest of the Goblin races , twice as big as a man and ten times meaner . They ate humans whenever they got the chance . The Cat in him welled up loudly when he recognized that face ; obviously the Cat had no love for Trolls either . It wanted to kill it , and Tarrin found himself in agreement . Trolls this close happened not long ago . When it was over , Dolanna pursed her lips worriedly . " That 's not normal behavior for Trolls , " Faalken grunted . " They with an open hand that I give it to you , yes . " He sniffed a bit . " And only a fool demands to know the mind of a katzh - dashi , yes . And I am no fool . " this to you , yes . She has not been on the Lady long enough to find a beau . And , I am sorry to say , you are not what most ladies would look for in a go without rolling . Tarrin could see half of the ship 's keel and the rudder . Then the ship shimmied to one side , and it rolled over on the Wyvern with a between him and the other shore . And he couldn 't fight so many Trolls alone . That left only one recourse . Flight . But if he fled , he doubted that he could explained what she shouted to him . " The Tower ! " she called . " Go to the Tower ! Go west to the coast , and then south to Suld ! I will several missing him only by a whisker . Then he felt the whole tree shudder . He looked down , and saw five Trolls working the tree back and forth , trying to underneath him . Even from there , he could tell that it was going to be close . Had he been fresher , he could have put his feet on his target branch with such it . But he was alive , and he 'd evaded the Trolls , and that made it tolerable . Even being lost and alone in the wilderness was more than preferable to his " Is that so ? " she said , raising an eyebrow . " My home lies to the east , cub . That 's where we need to go . " and it 's not the first attack . You should know that , " he said . " The only place I 'll be safe is in the Tower . " " Didn 't you listen at all ? " he demanded . " I don 't have a choice . I have to go to the Tower . That 's more straight , or very many that included her by herself or without pain involved . In his memory , she was twice as big as he was . It was reassuring that she was don 't even think about trying . The human shape , it 's not natural to us anymore . At one time it was , but that was long ago . We 've changed since then . We can He continued to eat , wondering over that information . That meant that he was the same . He would live until he was killed . But the way things had gone lately , that could be at any time . one that acted as her mother . Mist is like that sometimes , " she mused . " There are things we can and can 't do that depend on our age , " she told back against a rock . " We 'll try this evening , " she decided . " You need to understand what all goes into it , and it 's easier to do it course of the day , as they walked south at a very leisurely pace . She was blunt . She tended to say exactly what she thought or felt , and had no reservations of " Because I need to know , " she shrugged . " If you 've never slept with a woman , I need to know . But , judging by your get a stir . Because I don 't associate being naked with sex the way humans do . To me , clothes are for utility , not for concealment . It wouldn 't make me bat an eyelash to walk down the busiest street in the world nude . " She chuckled . " I 'll admit , I was teasing you a bit there . I 've been around long enough you think you know what I 'm thinking , cub , " she told him gruffly . " What I consider important is much different than what you do . The faster you understand that , the quicker you 'll learn . " She gave him a look . " Actually , just shapeshifting a while will show you that . The cat in us , with the same calm . He did well , right up until she unbuttoned her trousers . He looked away right as she pushed them over her hips , working on the laces of staring at him in a way that made him feel distinctly uncomfortable . " Turn around , " she ordered . he did so , gritting his teeth . " My , " she said . " My , my , my . " open . He willed himself back into his bipedal form , and he changed . His vision blurred and grayed over at the same instant that he felt his body go liquid again , and it cleared with him looking down at Jesmind 's cat form . " Very good , " she told him in the manner of the cat . " Now change one way , I 'll go the other . We 'll get them between us , change , and attack . Remember , no mercy . We can 't let them know we have alternate forms . " working himself out to the edge of the Dargu pack as he took stock of them . There were about eight , armed with spears , clubs , and one with a rusty sword . They were snuffling and checking out their clothes , putting their dirty hands all again , " she acceded . " We may not have to go all the way to Darsa . It 'll depend on whether or not we 're followed . " that expression of her warmth and feeling for him had touched him to his soul . He knew that he 'd never think of her in the same way again . He felt a feeling said no . In case you don 't understand what that means , it means no . I 'm not going to Suld , and you go where I go . That means you are not on them , but they held . The ropes creaked just as loudly , but they too held . " Come on , " she said after she was about a quarter of the way across . was panting hard from her anger and exertion at throwing curses and rocks . " I 'm sorry , " he told her . Then he turned and started running south . head him off , or she would go all the way to Suld and try to catch him there . Tarrin was guessing that , as mad as she was , she was chasing him . And now that with raw physical force . The stump moved half a span with that first push . " Alright , again ! " the farmer said , resetting his iron rod as Tarrin hesitantly , but the aged farmer just smiled and helped Tarrin to his feet . " The name 's Kellen , " he introduced . " My boys , Delon , Brint , and stay in the braid . After he was done , he walked back around the house . Everyone else was gone , inside , except for the elderly woman Mother Wynn . She " I feel like a stray , " Tarrin sighed . " I can 't go back to my den til the Dargu aren 't expecting me . Then I 'll the time to eat the carrots , although he honestly couldn 't remember doing it . " Well , that 's about that , " he said , looking at his plate . " I 'd me , though . I came down into the human lands because they won 't follow me . There are too many humans for them to hide . " He put the plate down . " I 'm her gravelly voice . " But you were right . It is time for you to move on . If you have that many people chasing you , Suld is the only place you 'll be grip . " You 'd best get on with yourself , boy , " she ordered . " You 're not getting any closer to Suld standing here , you know . Now purse . Tarrin took it , and his dagger , and took his leather belt as well . Tarrin 's pants weren 't quite so snug on him now that he 'd lost weight , and he its fence , staring at the massive compound that was the Tower of Sorcery . He was a bit discouraged at what he saw . The obvious gates to the compound were left only one solution . That fence had to be magic . This was the Tower of Sorcery . There were lots of people inside that could do magic . So if they were looks at her . She stirred slightly as Tarrin closed the door to her balcony . Tarrin wanted to be caught , but he decided that being caught in a woman 's was used to being alone much of the time , but before he always had his family . Now he had nobody , and that frightened him more than a little . Being alone in " You must have had a rough time , " he said . " Come , let 's go sit . You can tell me more while we eat and wait . It pale skin , wearing a yellow silk dress that was cut rather low in the front . Silk seemed to be the fabric of choice in the Tower among the ladies . The where the young man had set the tray and attacked the food with a vengence . The young man left , and Sevren and Dolanna sat down at the table with Tarrin . Sevren and Dolanna exchanged polite introductions , and Tarrin offered each of Elsa said bluntly . " And you 're a Novice , just like any other Novice . Come along , Tarrin , and we 'll get you washed and dressed . " did so . " That tail is going to cause a problem , " he said . " I 'll have to put a button in the back for it . I 'll just have to cut Tarrin didn 't do anything . He just stayed still and let him get it overwith . In a very short time , he had Tarrin thoroughly measured , and had taken you 'll get used to it . It takes some people longer than others , but you will . Everyone uses this pool . You , me , the Novices , Initiates , Sorcerers , guards , shoulders , then draped it over the back of a chair . She laughed richly . " That didn 't take very long , " she said as he stood beside her nude . the piece of quartz , the gold nugget , and his treasured wing , were just fine . They showed not a sign of being dunked in the water . Neither did the box . His studies with Sevren ; he was curious just what his body was capable of doing . This ability to restore lost body tissue was most interesting . But then again , explained . " Each one is the seat of one of the six spheres of Sorcery . Air , earth , fire , water , the mind , and the power of the Goddess . The Keeper is the woods . My mother 's Ungardt , so I learned all about fighting from her . That 's more or less what I did with my free time . " Were - cats , as it was described to him by Jesmind . Dolanna simply nodded . " Yes , that is logical , " she said . " I should have expected as much . I keep falling into the trap of thinking of you and the other Were - cats as " But they may not allow it , " she told him . " I am very strong , Tarrin , but there are others much stronger than I . They may decide to pair you with a Sorcerer with enough raw power to stop you the other Novices that lived on their floor . They all seemed as sulky as Dar . Tarrin also noted that many of them stared at him in wide - eyed amazement , and not a few of them wouldn 't get that close to him . That made him sigh a bit . It wasn 't like he was some unholy monster there to drink the living blood from for a while . He 'd just arrived , and they had no idea what he was about . They 'd watch him carefully until they were certain that he wasn 't going to do that way , and I doubt I ever will . He could even block a sword blow with it . He said he learned it because even if you lose everything else , you 'll always " It 's coming along , " Tarrin told him . " I need to practice the hand forms . I think it 'll be harder for me to use " I do know how to use one , " he said . " My father uses one . But then again , my father won 't draw it unless he didn 't go into the more personal things that had happened between them . " So after I got away from her , I made my way here , " he finished . " It wasn 't easy because of all the raiders running around . I was in blessing of the meal . Tarrin thought about what they 'd said while she talked . They 'd wanted to do the same with him , but he hadn 't been in shape to do it . It must have been standard practice . He was very glad that they 'd had no " That you 'd be in the Noviate , " she said . " A Sorcerer came into our class and told us about you . That you 'd be in fighting ability , but even the Ungaardt paled in comparison to the Selani . Five hundred years ago , the Emperor of Arak decided to try to invade Arkis . That was when Arkis was a fledgeling nation , made up of Arakites that had fled " Let 's just call it being safe , " he said . " Jesmind is out there , and me being in here makes no difference to her . If I can get in without attention , so can she . She will try , Dolanna . And I 'll need every weapon I can get when that happens . " in his wildest dreams did he think that he would have ended up the way he did . It was almost like the Favor of the Lady had turned black on him . But in " I don 't see much use for it , " Tarrin said . " I never thought I 'd use this language , ever . Except to talk about mother " Mother does it to father too , " Tarrin said . " I think it 's a game with them . Mother doesn 't know Arakite , and father this Selani woman who stood before him . Her body was as perfect as her face . She was amazingly tall , only a bit shorter than Tarrin himself , who stood a would not eat . She did not disappoint him by showing certain peculiarities . She would not eat pork , he noticed . Nor would she eat any chicken or goose . He didn 't know if those were personal preferences or racial or cultural with it . A similar custom exists among my people , but we use a sweat tent . Such an amount of water would never be used for bathing among me people . It is lonely , " he told her . " I didn 't want you to be here and be unhappy . And aside from Dar , my roommate , and the two Novices that travelled here with before he was to make the journey , a katzh - dashi appeared at our camp . He took my father aside for some time and spoke with him . After they were " Well , things will work out , " he told her . " Much as I like it here , we 'd best not tarry . Odds are they either have let go of his paw . He winced a bit under her grip . This woman was strong . He thought that the relaxing heat of the water may loosen her fear somewhat , so stomach . The Selani looked about ready to kill the woman , but said nothing . " You 've got a very nasty bruise forming here , and that blow injured the not ? " she observed . " I will train you in the Dance , " she said . " They are more suited for you than your Ways , anyway . And I will teach being aside from himself and Jesmind that knew what had happened between them . The whole story . He confided his deep - most private self to her , and she helped bit . " Tarrin , I am honored , " she said in a quiet , emotional voice . " But if you would be my brother , then you must accept the rites of my us , " she said gently . " What we do with our lives is our own choice . That you acknowledge her is enough . The Holy Mother Goddess has no dominion high - pitched voice . " I don 't know his name ! Belleth knew it ! " Tarrin twisted his claws . " Kravon ! " he shrieked . " I work for knew that the touch of a Wraith was the cold of the grave , and it meant death . Even in his rage , he was still lucid enough to know when to bolt . He sprang rage on whatever was handy , but Tarrin 's rational mind wouldn 't allow that . Such a mindless display of violence would solve nothing . But it still wasn 't glanced at the blood and flesh still hanging from Tarrin 's right paw . " Nevermind , I think I know , " she said in a bit of a weak voice . " Tarrin , go down to the baths and wash off all that blood . Take Dar with about all he had left . He limped over to her and rolled her over with a foot . She was unconscious , bleeding from her many wounds , wounds that were closing after she bit me to the day we met in the forest , and that was no mean feat . Trust me , Keeper , you won 't find her . Don 't even bother . " locked in on the scent of the man that had held it , and had shot it at him . Once he had it , he checked in the alley and found the scent trail . Five it open , " Valden said . " I don 't know how the fence works exactly . Since it doesn 't trap animals , it may only trap humans . And that means that anyone else can climb it as they please . " He pursed his lips . " There 's really not much we can do at this point but alert the Keeper and side of a finger . " You 're right . But Tiella cleans the Keeper 's office . I think I 'll ask her to start remembering any scrap notes she happens to see . Maybe we 'll get lucky . " fight . She absolutely despised him , hated him with every fiber of her being . In a way , that hurt him , because he didn 't feel the same way . She had cared to his feet . he spread his legs wide , in a ready stance , and waited for her . She didn 't disappoint him , wading back into the fray confidently . What amazed red . Faalken almost fell over in a sudden gale of uncontrollable laughter . Allia gave Valin a very calm , sober look , then one of those sea - blue eyes through the pads on his foor . That was the only warning . But it was enough . A paw on Allia 's shoulder sent her careening to the side as he lunged the other one of her daggers into the back of its knee . It too sagged to the ground . Tarrin ducked under one swing , then dove forward to evade the other Troll 's steel . This was some other kind of metal , one he 'd never smelled before . " It 's been enchanted , " she explained . " It 'll let you change sincerely . " This is an excellent gift . " He already had plans . Little did the Keeper know , she 'd just given him the opportunity he needed to Tarrin held the amulet in his paw , looking down at it . It seemed . . . . warm . " It 's a welcome gift , " he said sincerely . " I don 't change form because I 'll lose my clothes . This solves that collar , a symbol of his imprisonment . They may have well put a leash on him . To be subject to the will of another was so against the very nature of the Cat She looked at where they were on the grounds . " Yes , that is the only place he would go , is it not ? " She sighed . " I think you are right . When he is ready to talk , he will seek us " It 's not all that bad , " he told her . " But I have the Cat inside my head too . He kinda came with the body . Sometimes , sometimes I have trouble controlling it . When I get mad , or I 'm in thought that with us close by , it may make you feel more at home here . " She patted his paw . " So we packed up everything we could and came here . When you leave the Tower , we 'll go back home and rebuild . Maybe , " she pain , until she got a leg up and put a foot on the table , then pushed it away . " Tarrin ! " she gasped hurriedly , " I 'm not here to fight ! Tarrin ! " know that you people were his family . He was fighting to protect you from me . I 'm responsible for this , " she said , sighing , " and I have to put her , " the little girl said with surprising firmness in one so young . " If you throw her out , she 's going to die . And I won 't do that . " felt a tug on the black metal collar around his neck , the transformed shaeram . " I 'll ask around and see if anyone has lost a cat . If we can get her concern . They needed him . Allia wouldn 't be enough , they needed him . And now he was out in the city , either trying to kill himself or trying to kill aren 't working , Keeper , " Amelyn Storm , the Mind seat , said bluntly . " We don 't know why . We know they 're still active , but we can 't get a wife had her wear , and it was always a point of contention between them . Ladies did not do such things . What Janine the wife seemed to fail to wearing a coat and breeches of soft gray velvet stood . He was wearing a shaeram . Tarrin hunkered down in the shadow of the hallstand as the man took off his door . Tarrin 's ears laid back as he realized it was an intruder , not Deris . The door opened , and a thin man dressed in dark clothes , and carrying a knife cupping her cheek in his huge paw . " Well , I 'm not really a cat . Not just a cat . Here , let me show you . " He stood up and stepped said , collecting her up into his arms . " I love you very much , Janette . You 're my very own little mother . But sometimes , we all have to do things that mother . " He let go of her and changed form , then jumped up into her lap . He nuzzled her as she picked him up , and he savored the scent of her , the feel the string into a loop , and then put the doll around his neck like a necklace . " I 'll be back as soon as I can . Until then , think well of me . " the city , reached his nose . She turned him around and gazed into his eyes . Tarrin couldn 't struggle , and with her paws on him like that , he couldn 't even had a duty to try to kill him , to stop him from doing what he very nearly did . He could respect that , even more so now that he 'd come so close to going mad . He looked back at the Keeper . " You made a promise , " he said grimly . " Take the spell off of her . " " We don 't really know , " she shrugged . " It just is . " Duncan appeared quietly at the door . " Good . They 're here ? " commanded . " It 's still the same one . Put your Novice uniform back on . I 'll send someone for my robe later . Oh , and do let Allia know you 're back ? She 's been about ready to kill since you left . " time and meeting up with the tips of his claws . The pants were always worse . The claws on his feet didn 't retract completely the way his finger claws did , that seemed to be normal . Fear of the unknown was a common trait in anybody . He did feel alright with some parts of it , such as this vow he had to speak . The Goddess in the statue had told him that he could speak the vow without to Shacè . It took them nearly ten minutes to climb the stairs to get up that high . Tarrin always wondered why so few of the Sorcerers weren 't overweight . After climbing up all those stairs , he knew exactly why . The Keeper 's office at the very top . The stairs still went up when the reached the proper floor . The chamber itself was featureless , built of gray stone , perfectly circular , " Take my word for it , Myriam , " she said . " If he didn 't want to be here , he would never have returned . I think we greater good in mind . If he gets out of control , we may have to put him down . To protect the rest of us , if for any other reason . A madman with that were potentially dangerous to people who had no idea what they were doing . Like nosy Novices . There was alot of traffic between the South Tower and the main spire , because many of the Sorcerers worked there to try to rediscover the was . A sign hung on a scrupulously scrubbed door with his name and his title . The young man , a tall Draconian from the look of him , with long dark hair and your human moralities to me . " She crossed her arms under her breasts . " As to him ' walking in ' , I assure you that there is nothing under my wondered for a moment if they hadn 't gotten switched around in the closet . There was one difference , however . Allia 's carpet was a darker shade of blue , Wikuni . By lunchtime , he finally tracked her down in her office . " Keeper , I have a favor to ask , " he said as Duncan let him inside . cry and buried her son in a fierce hug , barely giving him time to turn around . Tarrin struggled to breathe as his father and sister crowded in on him . Elke passage of time . There 's no past , no future , for a cat . There 's only now . And without memory of the past , or knowledge of the future , the now would be " It wasn 't the time , " he told his mother . " It was her . It was like being a child all over again , mother . She cared time to think about everything . Well , what was left of me had time to think . She was so good to me that it made the Cat totally content , and the combination unsettled her somewhat . Then he chuckled . Her first object of affection . " I 'll be glad to have him close again . We 're good friends , and I don 't " No , that 's alright , mother , " he said . " I didn 't expect you to be spending all day with me . But we do need to
I 'm not sure what it is about the bump that makes it one that is really difficult for me to negotiate . To be sure , I get over these kinds of things in other places , in other doors . But the one here , in the entrance to my own apartment building , it 's just brutal . I 've been lifting weights since February 1st , I can push myself uphill , I can get myself up and over the small bumps that accompany almost every curb , but the threshold of that front door simply doesn 't want to let me in . I 've developed the only technique that works , because that 's what people with disabilities do , we encounter barriers and figure out how to manage them . That technique is to hold the handrails on both of the front doors , tilt my chair to a 45 degree angle , then act all Olympic bobsled rider at the top of the run . Back and forth a couple of time then a huge push through , the chair careens towards the threshold and pops over . Works almost every time , when it doesn 't I almost throw myself out of the chair . Because of that Joe watches me do this with a mixture of humour and horror . Humour because he finds everything funny , horror at the idea of getting me off the floor and back into the chair . We manage , that 's the message here . But we manage when I do this the way I need to do this . I 've written before about the problem I have when people want to hold the door for me and the difficulty I have in getting the door back so I can use it . When they hold the door open , I quite literally , can 't get in . For the most part people in the building have learned to listen to me when I request something , rarely , or ask them , politely , to not help . But couple days ago I found myself in the middle of a kindness fight between two men and one woman all determine to hold the door open for me . One fellow came out , saw me rushed to get the door , before I could stop him another guy came by saying to the first guy , ' I 've got it . ' The both held on a second later a young woman was coming in and reached from behind and said to the two guys , ' you guys go ahead , I 'm on my way in . ' For a second they all just held the door in silence . A kindness competition was going on , and me , sitting under all these arms . In that silence I found opportunity , ' I need the door so I can use the handrail to get in . ' A choir , ' No , it 's OK . ' I looked to Joe who also saw the absurdity of the situation and had started laughing . They glanced at him , and though his laughter he explained how I got through the door , unable to speak most words he mimed them while ha ha ha - ing through the explanation . I looked up at them they looked down at me . Then we all just laughed . They let go of the door , I grabbed the bar , I already had the other one in my hand and I pushed back and forth a couple times and then shot into the lobby to their applause . I was reading an article on the stabbings of disabled people in Japan , an act of domestic terrorism , and a hate crime targeting those of us with disabilities . The article was written by a person with a disability , you could tell that simply because the terms ' hate crime ' and ' domestic terrorism ' were used . I still have not seen those terms used in mainstream media written by a non - disabled person . I DID see an article in the Japan times using the term ' mercy killings . ' So there we have the great divide , those of us in the disability community and those who simply see us , to greater and lesser degrees , as burdens of one kind or another . I read comments here on my blog and on my Facebook page with great interest and curiosity , I like seeing how this community of readers and those with whom we have agreed to call ourselves ' friends ' on Facebook react . In both places , there are wonderful people who discuss , disagree and sometimes debate issues and topics that I raise . But , reading comments in other forums is a very different thing . For example , I posted a video of one of the mother 's who 's son died in the Orlando massacre at the Pulse nightclub as she spoke at the Democratic National Convention . I went to the comments and was shocked at the hate and the vitriol aimed at her . People even claimed that the massacre never actually happened but was staged by the anti - gun people . Mostly the called her the ' B ' word , mostly they accused her of simply being a bad actress paid for the performance . Mostly they assaulted her in any way , using any argument they could . I get very cold when I read these kinds of remarks . The same was true when I read the remarks of a disabled writer writing about a disabled issue and bringing in a disability lens . I was shocked . The attack on the writer was astonishing . Oddly they 'd attack him , verbally victimize him and then challenge him on playing the victim card . Wow . But one of the comments that struck me was the one I opened with . The reader simply didn 't get the situation . The situation , as in the case of the murders in Japan , which was the topic discussed , isn 't disability . The situation is the atmosphere of prejudice , ableism and disphobia in which people live . The situation is the lack of access not only to buildings , to justice and to simple respect , not the disability at all . The ' situation ' that transgender people find themselves in , when confronted by a gang of bigots with weapons on a street , isn 't the fact that the person is transgendered , it 's the fact that there are people with weapons on the street . The present situation is something that we as disabled people experience is something that I 'd dearly like to discuss . But how can that conversation be had with people who think that we , ourselves , are the situation ? How can we speak with people who filter our words through pity and hatred ? How can we be heard above the white noise that our difference and our disability create in the minds of those who believe that the noise is cause by our discordant lives rather than their disgust at our bodies ? " That 's where I had my accident , " she said , pointing to a bus stop , " I got off the bus , took a couple steps and fell straight back . " We , the driver and I , were a little surprised to hear her voice as she had sat quietly while he and I gabbed about disability politics and ableism - he 's really into all that stuff . We then listened to her tell her story of the day she became disabled . She didn 't know that what happened would lead to her using a power wheelchair right off . It took a couple of weeks before the damage that had happened during the fall to become fully evident . She spoke of having to adapt her apartment , make sure that she could shower and do all the bathroom stuff that people do , get used to a new way of getting around . Learning the ropes of navigating the world in a wheelchair . Then quietly , she spoke of how she resisted pressures to give up her home , to move in with relatives , to be taken care of . . . she would not be anyone other than who she was . Some would see her and see fragility and they would be wrong . She had a will of iron and a determination to live her life on her own terms . That 's who she was before , that 's who she was now . 6 ) a man with clearly stated goals of mass murdering people with disabilities , a man who had planned it out , who made it abundantly evident that he had a desire to eradicate disabilities from society , spent 12 days in hospital before being released . ( 12 days ! Less than 2 weeks . I guess mass murder of people with disabilities , clearly stated and planned , isn 't that much of a mental health concern . 12 days ! ) The discussion of and public endorsement of the concept of mercy killing of people with disabilities had taken root in this man with alarming ferocity . No doubt he will be spoken of as someone who has mental health issues , and maybe he does , but when you read what he says , what he says isn 't far from what most people have come to believe . His statement to the police upon turning himself in that ' it 's better that disabled people disappear ' isn 't a deranged rant by someone out of control , it 's a calm statement of fact that echos the sentiment of many in society . People with disabilities know this sentiment , we hear it , we experience it and we have come to fear what it will do . Our lives are devalued , are needs seen as special and therefore burdensome , our rights are declared to be gifts rather than guarantees . A specific , targeted attack aimed at eradicating a group - a mass murder of a group of people because of who they are , and no where does anyone speak of hate . No mention of this as a hate crime against people with disabilities . No . Where . I have not read every paper of course , but in my searches on the Internet the only time that ' hate crime ' has been used to describe this event it 's by a disabled writer on a disability blog or on a Facebook post . The line up for the light was long , we knew it would change over several times before we could make our turn . There was a man , hat out , walking the line of cars , asking for money . I had no change at all and was out of Tims cards , which I usually give out to people who ask for cash , as I made a mental list to pick up some more , Joe was digging in his pockets to find what change he had . When the fellow arrived at our car , Joe said , " This is all the change I 've got , sorry it isn 't more . " He took the change and said , " Listen , man , you don 't owe me anything , I 'm grateful for anything you give . " Joe laughed , as he does , and wished the man a good day . He didn 't leave . He smiled and said , pointing to the line up of cars behind us . " These people in these cars , they don 't owe me anything either , ' then he paused , ' but you know what I wish they understood ? " He paused again , " I wish they understood that anyone of them could end up where I am today , I wish they understood that even if they don 't want to give me money , they could still give me respect . I hate it when people act as if I 'm not there , or as if just looking at me would make them dirty , if they don 't want to give me money , say no , I 'm good with that . Just don 't make it like I don 't exist . " I spoke next , " I use a wheelchair and it 's the same , people either stare at me or they pretend I don 't exist . It 's one of the other . I get just wanting respect . I really do . " He thanked us again , " For the change and for a moment 's break from being just a beggar . ' Yesterday we stopped into the pub for a quick couple of drinks before heading home . I 've written about this place before , for me it represents one of the few places of real welcome out there in the community . Real welcome happens when the place itself is structured to be wheelchair accessible and where the people who are there ensure that any blockage of a passageway because of placement of chairs or other stuff in the aisles are moved and where the locals make way at a crowded bar for a couple of others . I like going here even though we don 't get there as often as I 'd like . We were chatting with two guys , one who had sprained his ankle dancing the night before and one who was talking about a twisted knee , I sat there listening and said , ' I can 't wait for my turn cause I 'm going to win this one without breaking a sweat . ' They suddenly realized what I meant and we all laughed . When my disability is fair game for a joke , I know that I 'm in a good and safe place . Just before we left a nice fellow we 've known for years , Wendy , was getting ready to leave and I saw him make his way over to a walker . We hadn 't seen him for a long time and were surprised to see the walker . Wendy is one of those guys who just never seem much to age and always has had a quick wit and a friendly approach . I never realized until then that I never knew his birth name , he has been nick named Wendy for all the years and years we 've known him and I can 't imagine calling him something like Charles or Henry . He 's neither transexual or into drag , he 's just a guy called Wendy . Anyways , Wendy had a walker . He stopped to chat , as we knew he would , and he told us the story of getting the walker after having a few severe health problems this year . He laughed as he told the story of being in a coma for three weeks and how he collapsed at a New Years party . . . and he made it all quite funny . As for the walker , his transition from walking freely to walking with a walker was made with such a matter - of - factness that I was startled . No complaining or carping about now needing a mobility device , instead he saw it just as simply a means to getting out and getting on with his life . That 's the point of mobility devices , you know . The only point that matters . The free stay free , the captive are let go . I wish people could understand that as easily as Wendy did . . . but then , maybe , in his youth , he spent time with Peter Pan . Life is such an odd thing . Right now , on several different fronts , I 'm going through a really tough time . As such when we drove to Saint Jacobs on Thursday night for a fundraiser for Choices in Fort McMurray on Friday in Kitchener , I felt very little like traveling , staying in a hotel , or getting up to do a lecture . I just wanted to sit in a corner and give up . But , that not being an option , we got to the hotel . Joe went and got a few things we needed while I did what needed done on the computer and then , when he got back , he dragged me out for a walk . I enjoyed the fresh air and that frisson of excitement you get when crossing a busy road with cars that refuse to slow to let you pass , and it was simply nice to get out . Getting up and sitting on the side of the bed , I wondered how I was going to give a lecture , particularly one with some humour in it , when I felt humourless and washed out and just tired from life . But the clock ticks and you have to get to it . So , I did . Soon we were in the car and then at the venue . The moment we went in and joined in the buzz of excitement from the team from KW Habilitation who were putting on the fundraiser , things began to change . We watched the bake table get set up , Joe snatched a strawberry and rhubarb pie right off , we met the a fellow with an intellectual disability who was going to be selling 50 / 50 tickets and he was into sales from the get go , we saw the preparations for the lunch that was going to be on sale . We talked with people about what the fundraiser was about and why it was important . For those who don 't know Vita organized a ( we hope ) province wide fundraiser for Choices Association for Community Living in Fort McMurray . We called them to see how the wildfire had affected people with intellectual disability in Fort McMurray given the devastation to the town . What we heard was distressing and we received permission to go ahead and attempt a big fundraiser along with other service organizations serving people with disabilities across the province . Communities Support Communities , we called it - and this was part of that initiative . By the time I was to start I had picked up from the mood of the room , from the determination to help others , from the general excitement that comes from an audience that 's at a lecture on a Friday for a good cause . For the whole day I was away from cares and concerns and worries . It was a wonderful break . I don 't get tired of it . I 've had the power chair for many years now and I don 't get tired of the independence it gives me , the way it allows me to make a contribution to my life with Joe . We had arrived home and were expecting company in just under an hour . I had to run up to the bank and Joe needed to unload the car . I hopped in my chair , came down the elevator with him and then while he headed to the car , I headed to the bank . We are together a lot . Even so , I still love these moments where it 's just me doing what needs to get done . I went to the bank , bought a lottery ticket , and then headed home . I decided to come along the north side of Bloor Street to avoid the construction constriction of narrow passageways on the south side . I regretted it almost immediately . I was like a tiny little boat going west as a tidal wave of young teens came east . There were hundreds of them . All packed together , leaving very little space for anyone else on the sidewalk . There was nothing to do but go forward . I 'm not fond of being surrounded by kids this age , I have uncomfortable memories of being that age that I don 't think I need to explain . Anyway , I headed on . An odd thing happened . Three times . I was noticed by a small group , and they immediately started the pointing and the taunting . IMMEDIATELY . I tried to maintain dignity and keep going . But , only seconds later someone near them , someone their age , a peer , turned and told them to shut up . The voice was stern , not angry , and firm , not emotional . It was just a statement . SHUT UP . The voice carried authority . I looked at the young woman that spoke and she was pretty and petite and powerful . Her voice brooked no opposition and they silence . One even mouthed to me , ' Sorry . ' Then it happened again . Another group started and another voice , male this time , spoke up . ' That 's not cool , stop it , ' he said . Again , a voice of authority . A voice that said , ' I mean this . ' And , amazingly , they did . They did stop . I looked at him , again , a handsome fellow , athletic looking , I nodded a thanks that he brushed away . And then it happened one last time . They were almost by . I 'm not kidding hundreds . A young woman made a fat joke to the girl she was with , I heard it . I won 't repeat it . The girl who spoke was as shocked as I when her friend turned to her and said , ' Why are you being mean ? No need . No need . ' I don 't know who they were , where they were from , what brought them together . But I do know that there are some parents , or teachers , or mentors that should be really , really proud of the work they 've done . I also know that there are some very cool teens who have discovered a way to break the code of silent acceptance of casual cruelty . Joe pulled into the parking spot and I climbed out of the car as he unloaded the wheelchair . He had to gather some stuff in a bag so I headed on to the nearest mall door . Being able to push up a slight slope over a bit of distance has really freed me to get about my business while Joe is doing what he needs to do . I got up the curb cut and was heading to the door . There were two sliding doors so I chose to enter the one closest to my approach . I noticed as the door opened that there was a fellow with cerebral palsy walking along the sidewalk towards where I was entering . I nodded . He nodded . In I went . I had just gone through when I was faced with another set of doors . Before I could register where would be easiest to get through , the door behind me opened and a voice said , " go to the door on your left , it 's hard to tell , but it 's automatic . " I turned , and thanked him . He smiled . " We 've got to have each other 's backs , " he said . I agreed . It 's tempting to say something like ' such a small thing can make such a big difference . ' And , in fact , that was my first thought about the whole thing . But , I realized , when I thought about it , that it wasn 't small at all . In fact , I think we make things like this ' little ' . . . like a ' little act of kindness ' or a ' small gesture of welcome ' . . . when they aren 't little or small at all . Thoughtfulness isn 't natural and it 's always intentional . People may say otherwise , but I don 't believe it to be true , I believe people need to see where their actions could make a difference and then after noting it they have to act on it , that , in and of itself , is astonishing . People may brush aside their actions by saying ' anyone would have done it , when in reality , very few would have . However you want to frame it , he affected my day , my evening and my next morning . I can still hear his voice in my mind . It 's a big deal . At our beach picnic on Saturday , we had some issues with accessibility . All of which I kept my mouth shut about . We were out with Ruby and Sadie and they know well enough about access and access issues , sometimes I want it to be just fun . The problem we had was that the benches alongside the boardwalk weren 't attached right to the boardwalk . Some of them were , all taken , but most were set off to the side . So there was no access from the boardwalk to the bench . I began worrying that we 'd have no where to sit . But then I noticed , way up ahead , a spot where there was a connecting path between the boardwalk and the bike trail . I zoomed up , rode down to the bike trail and then approached a bench from behind . I got us landed . Now there was this huge barrier between me and the beach itself . I hadn 't planned on going on the beach , sand and wheelchairs along with my weight do not for a good roll make . But the barrier was glaring and made me feel like I was sitting much lower than the boardwalk and looking over it , because , well , that 's what it was . But I kept ; my mouth shut . We were here to have fun and , in fact , I was having fun . So were the kids they were in and out of that cold Lake Ontario water getting closer and closer to jumping in each time . They both made it right under the water and then ran pell mell up onto the hot sand and plopped on it , soaking up it 's warmth . They loved the contrast between the cold water and the warm sand . At one point Ruby ran up to the boardwalk , crossed over and jumped down to where I was . She was full of stories about how cold the water was and how hot the sand was . I listened to her tell the story while she was covered head to toe in sand and not minding it one bit . Then she said , ' I have an idea . ' I watched her run back to the beach grab the sand bucket and run to the water . She scooped up the water and ran back to where I was , jumping down and sloshing water everywhere . ' Put your hand in the water , ' she commanded . I complied and remarked that it was indeed really cold . She was gone again . This time she just crossed over the boardwalk and then dumped the water and found a spot and scooped sand into the bucket . Back she came , jumping down to me and holding out the bucket , and said , ' Put your hand in the sand . ' I did and felt the warmth . We were having an amazing day . We 'd been the the beach and had a picnic . As always we brought both chairs , the power chair and the manual , which was used to haul stuff and to give me seating options . When we arrived there wasn 't a picnic table available we pulled up to a bench , I transferred into the manual , we lifted the arms on the power chair , put the table cloth over the seat and voila . It was great . Sadie spotted the ice cream truck just before the bus was to arrive to pick us up so I asked her if she could wait til we got home and then we 'd go out for ice cream . She agreed just as she spotted the bus turning in to pick us up . Our ride home was fun , the whole day had been lovely . Once home and showered , sadly there 's less of a beach left for other people because a couple of buckets of sand washed itself down through our bathtub drain , we left to get ice cream . I held the table on an outdoor patio a couple blocks from our home . It 's my favourite patio for having tea and people watching and I smiled as I watched them cross over to me , hands full of cones and sundaes . Joe then headed in to get us each a tea and the seconds later was back . Everyone was in a brilliant mood , Ruby and Sadie were at their best , sharp , funny and inventive in their story telling of the day . We played a game to see who could give the meanest look that had us all howling . It was awesome . An elderly woman had come out and sat at a table furthest from us . She was clearly in a cranky mood and looked over at us and the kids with annoyance . Let 's face it , this is Yonge Street , right down town , it 's not a fancy table at a tea shoppe in a meadow in Wales . It 's noisy . And we were noisy . We laughed a lot . At one point , after several really nasty looks , she 'd have won the contest , hands down , I 'd had enough of her sighs and her cursing under her breath . I looked at her , and said , " Oh , come on ! " That 's all . I wanted to know that she 'd been seen and that , really , she 's upset about kids laughing ? Kids should be laughing all the time . Childhood should be full of laughter . I was laughing . I should be laughing more . Joe was laughing , his life needs more of that stuff too . We were all getting a lot of oxygen and exercising our senses of humour . The interesting thing was , as soon as I said what I said , her face changed . She stopped . She looked over and saw the girls curled up in laughter as Joe was trying to make a mean face , which he was hysterically bad at , and her face softened . It was like she connected the noise , which was irritating her , with the source . He whole body seemed to just relax . I caught her a couple of times smiling when the girls said something funny . Like Sadie 's dramatic announcement that 's she 's having a really , really , bad day and that we had to treat her nice with extra ice cream . And Ruby 's commentary on the actions of the security guard . I 've never had that kind of encounter before . I expected her to become more hostile or to turn her chair completely away . Even so , I wanted to let her know that her actions were completely out of proportion to what was going on . But it was like throwing cold water on an unnecessary fire . She just , suddenly , became a nice old woman . As a question from a stranger , it 's way too personal . But as it was a conversation that I just fell into and as we were both talking about general health and wellbeing , it didn 't seem out of place , or out of context , so I answered that I did indeed have diabetes . I am no longer insulin dependant , because of the diet and exercise program I 've had myself on for several months , but yes , I have diabetes . Everyone has a story about diabetes , it seems . And every one of those stories is a horror storry . She , my conversation partner , launched into a very detailed story about her sister in law who has diabetes and stubbed her toe . I have heard , when telling someone about having diabetes , about lost digits , lost limbs , lost mobility , lost lives . Yikes and double yikes , it 's like every story I hear is about this Boom Boom Boom tragedy that lurking around the corner waiting to strike me . And , I kinda know that might be true , but I don 't need to hear it every single time I mention that I 've got ' the sugar ' . In fact , when I was telling a group of friends about this experience and complaining about always being told a tragic story when mentioning the diagnosis , one of my friends jumped in with a tragic story about someone losing a leg . Right . Yea . Glad you were listening . All the disabled parking was taken . There were virtually no other cars in the parking lot , but the 10 disabled bays were jam packed full . So Joe let me off at the front of the building and went to park further away . I turned my chair , I was in my manual , and considered the ramp . It was long , so long that they 'd put a four foot flat space about 2 / 3 the way up , a place to stop and rest . It was steep , really steep , I 'm sure it was legal , but I 'm also sure that mountain goats would have rested comfortably on the slope . I rolled over to the bottom of it and looked up . Way up . I knew I had time because Joe was parking , as I said , a fair distance away . I 've been lifting weights , I am noticably stronger , but this was a big ramp . Suddenly I knew I had to try . I started . Steep ramp , long ramp , fat guy in a wheelchair , those three things combined suddenly to make it really hard work . I 'd gotten about half way up the first incline when I just knew I couldn 't do it . But if I let go I 'd go flying backwards down the ramp . Unpleasant images formed in my brain and I knew that option was out . I pressed on and made the rest spot . This is good enough . I 've proved my point . I 'm much stronger than I thought I was . But the top was so close , I 'd rested , I looked and still no sign of Joe . I edged to the edge and then pushed . This was the steepest part of the ramp . I 'm quite high up now . the ramp makes up for about a dozen stairsteps to the ground . I pushed and was now midway up that part of the ramp . Joe sees me and reacts with shock to where I am on the ramp , which is only a few feet from the top . He comes up behind me , he knows better than to simply grab and help . He waited . My arms were straining and I was really tired . Yep , I asked for help . Especially when ' not possible ' is the starting point . I think we forget that when we are working towards a goal . I think we consider failure as our ' go to ' definition of how we are doing when we don 't quite make a goal on an attempt . For me , failure would have been the lack of trying . I not only tried , I got almost to the top . Next time , the top , or if not the top , closer . I feel great . I 've learned to change the definition of success . And because of that , I 'm so much happier and so much more likely to continue on . This morning I added 7 minutes extra into my exercise routine using a higher weight than I 'm comfortable lifting . It 's just 7 minutes , but I know I need to get even stronger and I can see the top of the ramp . I need a bit more strength . So for now 7 minutes more of a weight that I struggle with . For you direct support professionals reading this . Remember if you are working towards a goal with an individual reward effort over accomplisment . It 's a fundamental when teaching someone , it 's the trying that gets to the succeeding so it 's the trying that needs the reinforcment and acknowledgement . Succeeding is its own reward . On Sunday we went to the museum with Ruby and Sadie to see the Chihuly exhibit , which was astonishing . To hear children gasp at the sight of something incredibly beautiful and fantastical and then watch their imaginations burst on fire is part of why we try to get the kids to shows like these . To be fair , it wasn 't just the kids in the room that were reacting to the exhibit with awe and , often , stunned silence . One of the best shows we 've see there . Afterwards the kids wanted to go for a bite in the ' eatateria ' as Sadie calls it . As we were there and as we had time we asked if the kids wanted to go anywhere else in the museum . We 're a lucky group because all of us love the place , and when they both said that they wanted to stay and both had galleries they wanted to go and visit , we filled our afternoon there . Finally we decided to go up and visit the bees and go through the bat cave again . There was a volunteer there who chatted with the girls about the bees and answered their questions in such a way that encouraged more questions , a rare talent . So I fell back a bit to give the girls their space and to get myself out of the way of the traffic of parents and kids going through the area . So Joe was sitting on the ledge over by the kids , the kids were at the bee hive and I was off to one side . I can see how I might have looked as if I was on my own . As such , when someone approached me with that assumption I wasn 't surprised . Then I realized they were a little suspicious of me being there . I responded by saying that I was with the girls who were looking at the bees . I thought by now , I 'd be at the point of my life where there 's be a kind of ' grizzled wisdom ' that comes with age . Where I 'd be letting pearls of enlightenment fall from my lips . Where I 'd smile knowingly at those younger than myself and gently guide them along . " We need a green pepper , " Joe said as we headed home . We agreed that he 'd run into the little local grocery store across the street from where we live . I can go in there but I never do , it 's just accessible enough to be called accessible but the size of the store makes it such that it takes work and the cooperation of others in order to get around . I wait outside . So as we near the store , Joe veers off and I head to a small outdoor plaza area . Just as I go up the ramp to the plaza I make a turn to my right . Doing this I cross right into the path of the man coming behind me that I didn 't notice . It startled me when I saw him and realized that I 'd cut him off , I said automatically , " Sorry . " He , though he 'd been cut off , also said , automatically , " Sorry . " When he did this I made the remark , more to myself than him , " We 're so Canadian . " It 's probably a myth that Canadian 's are a really polite people , but we are a people that readily apologizes . I once heard two fight attendants joking as they were walking to their gate , " Let 's go through Air Canada 's gate and bump into people , they 'll all apologize to us . " And it 's true that 's what we do . So that was the context under which I made my remark . It turned out that he was a recent immigrant to Canada from Syria , he was Muslim , and he had been feeling that he wasn 't adapting to the Canadian culture . Our little interaction was the first time he 'd been called a Canadian , spontaneously , by another person . " I thought that the only thing that people could see when they looked at me was . . . " He never finished , he was overcome . From their web page I discovered almost everything I needed to know . They had a diverse menu , complete with both vegetarian and vegan offerings . They were located right near where we were going to meet our friend . They had really good reviews . I looked , found their phone number and called them . A friendly voice answered the phone . I asked them if their restaurant was wheelchair accessible . " Yes , we are ! " she stated with some excitedment . Then I was told about the flat entrance and the fully accessible washroom . " We are quite proud of the access we provide , " she said . I never know what to say when someone says that they are ' proud ' of being accessible . At an earlier stage of my life with a disability I would have said something like , " and you should be ! " I don 't say that any more . I guess because I think accessibility should be a given not a gift . But , since she was in such a good mood about it all , I thought I 'd press the point . " Well , you aren 't completely accessible , " I said . She rushed to assure me that they were . " The thing is , " I explained , " If you were fully accessible , I wouldn 't be talking to you at all . I went to your web site , like any other customer , checked out your menu , like any other customer , and now I have to call you , unlike other customers , because you have no information about your accessibility on your website . There is still an extra step in the process for disabled people . If you want to be absolutely , fully accessible , you need to remove that last step . " Then , after that frozen pause , " OK , I 've noted it down . I 'll give that to the owners . " Then I felt really bad , like I 'd taken the wind out of her sails about the accessibility of the place . She sounded defeated . I thought I was being an advocate but I was being a bit of an asshole . See it 's this personal bugaboo of mine , I believe that it should be manditory that restaurants and bars have an accessiblity notice on their websites . I once spent an hour in Baltimore calling restaurants trying to find one that had vegetarian options and was wheelchair accessible . It pisses me off . I don 't think I should have to call . I think they should just tell you on their site . I had brought all of that into a conversation with someone who was excited about the fact that the restaurant she worked in was accessible . In fact , I didn 't recognize him at first as he ran over towards us . We had passed a patio that he was sitting on and barely heard him when our names were called . We turned and watched him approach . I asked Joe quietly , " Do you know who this is ? " Joe answered in a whisper , " No . " We took his warm greeting and after a couple of seconds I knew exactly who he was . I used his name in a sentence so that Joe would catch the drift as well . But even as I said his name I could see Joe had remembered . We 're going back to when we first moved to Toronto , late 70 's , that 's a long , long way back . He 'd been a bartender in a bar that we used to go to all the time . It was a different era and you had to go down an alley and then down dark back stairs to get to it . I always felt safe going in , we could see the alley plainly , but no matter how drunk we were , I left wary . Opening a door onto an alley when you are a hated minority is never an easy thing to do . We were very lucky to never have been assaulted there , others were less lucky . Safety should never be a matter of luck . It was nice chatting with him , he 's still way younger than us , by 11 years . Those 11 years don 't show now as much as they did then . He seemed like such a kid back then . We 're all pretty seasoned now . As our chat grew to a close he said that he 'd recognized us immediately because " Neither of you has changed a bit . " I didn 't want to make further issue of it so I let it drop . We continued on and then it was time to part and we all agreed it was nice to see each other and catch up . And it was . Why is it polite , or nice , to erase a big part of my life . I have changed , yes . I have a disability now . It 's OK , it 's just change . It 's just different . It isn 't shameful . It isn 't like a new piece of me that has to move back into the closet . For heaven 's sake , I 'm out about being gay and I 'm out because I 'm in a wheelchair . It probably sounds like carping over something trivial , but to me it isn 't . I don 't like even a brush with shame , had enough of that in my younger years . That stuff stinks . Cradled in her father 's arms she was brought over to where she had pointed . She had directed , father willingly followed . Joe and I were on a patio watching the activity around us . It was then we saw father and daughter making their way over to a big black box , but don 't be deceived , the box produced bubbles by the thousands . They flew out and up and then every which way . Several had made their way over to us , we both , taking one of life 's opportunities to be kids again , tried to catch them . She took catching bubbles quite seriously for a moment , looking surprised when they 'd pop in her hand . One of them brushed her cheek and she startled . She was fresh out of babyhood and to her this was simply wonder . And then . Then . She laughed . Father and daughter stayed for a few minutes more , then he kissed her , helped her grab a bubble or two more , and then headed off . She looked back over his shoulder , at the bubbles , and waved . I don 't know where they were going , or rather , I don 't know where she was going , this tiny little girl with Down Syndrome , but I knew , with certainty where she wasn 't . I knew that while she would have battles to fight , she would fight on firm ground . Ground already won . The school - won . The playground - won . The community - won . She 'd fight her battles but far , far , far from the starting line . Those of us who work or have worked in the community living movement made it possible for a little girl 's life to begin , differently . Every parent who cried bitterly after a fight with the school board . Every staff who listened carefully and then supported someone with a disability to do something magical . Every single person who volunteered , who gave time , who welcomed in , made it possible . Sometimes when I 'm tired I wonder if it mattered . The work I 've done . The work we 've done . Then , at moments like these , watching a little girl , safe in her father 's arms reach out to play with bubbles , I know . Deeply know . That it matters . Yesterday , I simply couldn 't take it any more . The night had been hell , the day didn 't seem to promise better . I woke Joe up and said , " I have to go to the hospital . " I had developed a small cough on Tuesday of last week which had gotten worse , day by day . I 'm not someone who runs to the doctor , or anywhere really , I figured it was just a summer cold . But when I got up from that night , I knew I was really sick . We got ourselves together and entered the hospital at 8 : 30 AM . I was sick , and scared . I absolutely trust my doctor , he 's proven himself over and over and over again to be a smart , kind and compassionate man . I feel safe going to his office . I don 't feel safe going into a hospital in a vulnerable state to be dealt with by strangers . My weight and my disability bring forth prejudices in all sorts of places , but , my oh my , have I had my share of a medical system that can 't hear my symptoms because they 've already determined them . We see the triage nurse first . She is a bit surprising . She asks me questions about my cough , in response to the question , ' have you been out of the country ' I answered , ' yes , ' she looked up concerned , ' where ? ' I said , ' Pennsylvania ' a small smile told me that this wasn 't as ' out of the country ' as she might have first thought . After a few more questions she told me I 'd need a room and that they were stacked full but she 'd get me in when she could . I realized I 'd left my work phone at home so Joe went to get it . Vita was in the parade and I wanted to be in contact with them throughout the day . Just after he left , I was invited in , a room had become vacant . I 'd been there , maybe 10 minutes . Once in the room , I had to organize it so there was room for both my chair and the bed . Joe got back , quickly having taken a taxi home and back , and just sat down when a woman came in with an ECG machine ( the thing where they put sticky things around your heart and then attach you to it . It looked like they were doing an experiment on my left boob ) and in a quick and friendly manner explained that she was not my assigned nurse but as my nurse was busy , she thought she 'd help out . That done . Then blood drawn . Then goodbye . Two seconds later I was taken to the xray room where a really young woman , they are getting so very , very young , guided me through the process of getting an xray while in the chair . Back in the room , we quietly read for about ten minutes when the doctor arrives . I have pneumonia . I told you I was sick . He wants to wait for the blood work but as I 'm relatively healthy , he wasn 't worried . He left promising a prescription , a note for work and a thing to take to my doctor . All through that , all through , I was treated like a patient . I was listened to . I was asked questions about my symptoms not my body . I was spoken to with both respect and kindness . One by one my fears were proving , in this case , I 'm not naive , to be groundless . Just before 11 we were out . On the way out I wanted to thank someone , not just for the service but for how it was performed . I wanted them to notice , because good people don 't , that they had been good people . They had treated me with respect . I 've mentioned him to you before , and I 'm sad I can 't remember his name , but just after becoming disabled I was giving a lecture in Glasgow somewhere . I spoke with a man who unlike me had been born with his disability . I asked him for advice , as from a mentor , he said , " Don 't ever get in the habit of being grateful for what other people simply expect . " That has really stayed with me . I see a wisdom behind it . But I failed him as I left the hospital , I did feel grateful . I think everyone remembers a moment , some of us will remember many , when we wished , with all our hearts , that someone , anyone , would have invited us or welcomed us to a seat at their table . Those moments of sheer isolation are searingly painful , when the recognition that you are utterly alone , carries with it blame : ' you 're different , your fault . ' The drive to belong isn 't just a drive to fellowship , it 's also a drive to affirmation - I am likable , lovable , worthy . That 's the slogan or theme of this year 's Pride celebration in Toronto . It 's the first I 've really taken notice of , most of them haven 't had much shelf life in my memory because , for me , they didn 't really have resonance with the life I lived or am living . But this year , when I read the theme , 5 simple words , I felt an immediate connection . So much so that I had to gulp back tears . Oh , my , gosh , words that I longed to hear for years , the invitation that never came in time , oh , my , gosh . On so many levels this is a beautiful theme . It encompasses so much of what we long for as human beings , it counters the messages of rejection we hear too often and it offers embrace in place of rejection . More than that it is the solution to bullying , it is the solution to alienation , it is the solution to intolerance . Offering a place at the table , a voice in the discussion , a welcome into membership is risky business indeed . You can 't offer a space beside you without being willing to create space , just a little more , within your own heart . I admire the theme . I admire the goal . I admire every honourable sentiment behind it . I even admire the fact that it was written without exclamation marks . It 's written to be said , not shouted , spoken , not announced . But I hope for more . I hope that after the march today and the party tonight that people will wake up tomorrow morning and glance over at the tee shirt or shopping bag or sticker and see the ' You can sit with us ! ! ' logo and , perhaps , think about it a little bit . There is a call there to become a welcoming community . There is a quiet urging about the words that should lead to a kind of self examination , are we as proud of our diversity as we are of our difference ? Are these words we would really be willing to say , to someone , with different differences ? I bought a shopping bag with the slogan on it . I wanted to be reminded of my feelings when I first saw the words . I used it shortly after , in a store near where I live , one of the clerks noticed my bag and said , " Well , you 've got the right bag for the weekend . " I agreed that I did , he then stopped , turned , and said to me , " Awfully big words , aren 't they . " " May they one day be true , " I said . He nodded . I don 't know his story , probably never will , but I know one thing . He once , like me , looked for a welcome he didn 't receive . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .
I 'm not sure what it is about the bump that makes it one that is really difficult for me to negotiate . To be sure , I get over these kinds of things in other places , in other doors . But the one here , in the entrance to my own apartment building , it 's just brutal . I 've been lifting weights since February 1st , I can push myself uphill , I can get myself up and over the small bumps that accompany almost every curb , but the threshold of that front door simply doesn 't want to let me in . I 've developed the only technique that works , because that 's what people with disabilities do , we encounter barriers and figure out how to manage them . That technique is to hold the handrails on both of the front doors , tilt my chair to a 45 degree angle , then act all Olympic bobsled rider at the top of the run . Back and forth a couple of time then a huge push through , the chair careens towards the threshold and pops over . Works almost every time , when it doesn 't I almost throw myself out of the chair . Because of that Joe watches me do this with a mixture of humour and horror . Humour because he finds everything funny , horror at the idea of getting me off the floor and back into the chair . We manage , that 's the message here . But we manage when I do this the way I need to do this . I 've written before about the problem I have when people want to hold the door for me and the difficulty I have in getting the door back so I can use it . When they hold the door open , I quite literally , can 't get in . For the most part people in the building have learned to listen to me when I request something , rarely , or ask them , politely , to not help . But couple days ago I found myself in the middle of a kindness fight between two men and one woman all determine to hold the door open for me . One fellow came out , saw me rushed to get the door , before I could stop him another guy came by saying to the first guy , ' I 've got it . ' The both held on a second later a young woman was coming in and reached from behind and said to the two guys , ' you guys go ahead , I 'm on my way in . ' For a second they all just held the door in silence . A kindness competition was going on , and me , sitting under all these arms . In that silence I found opportunity , ' I need the door so I can use the handrail to get in . ' A choir , ' No , it 's OK . ' I looked to Joe who also saw the absurdity of the situation and had started laughing . They glanced at him , and though his laughter he explained how I got through the door , unable to speak most words he mimed them while ha ha ha - ing through the explanation . I looked up at them they looked down at me . Then we all just laughed . They let go of the door , I grabbed the bar , I already had the other one in my hand and I pushed back and forth a couple times and then shot into the lobby to their applause . I was reading an article on the stabbings of disabled people in Japan , an act of domestic terrorism , and a hate crime targeting those of us with disabilities . The article was written by a person with a disability , you could tell that simply because the terms ' hate crime ' and ' domestic terrorism ' were used . I still have not seen those terms used in mainstream media written by a non - disabled person . I DID see an article in the Japan times using the term ' mercy killings . ' So there we have the great divide , those of us in the disability community and those who simply see us , to greater and lesser degrees , as burdens of one kind or another . I read comments here on my blog and on my Facebook page with great interest and curiosity , I like seeing how this community of readers and those with whom we have agreed to call ourselves ' friends ' on Facebook react . In both places , there are wonderful people who discuss , disagree and sometimes debate issues and topics that I raise . But , reading comments in other forums is a very different thing . For example , I posted a video of one of the mother 's who 's son died in the Orlando massacre at the Pulse nightclub as she spoke at the Democratic National Convention . I went to the comments and was shocked at the hate and the vitriol aimed at her . People even claimed that the massacre never actually happened but was staged by the anti - gun people . Mostly the called her the ' B ' word , mostly they accused her of simply being a bad actress paid for the performance . Mostly they assaulted her in any way , using any argument they could . I get very cold when I read these kinds of remarks . The same was true when I read the remarks of a disabled writer writing about a disabled issue and bringing in a disability lens . I was shocked . The attack on the writer was astonishing . Oddly they 'd attack him , verbally victimize him and then challenge him on playing the victim card . Wow . But one of the comments that struck me was the one I opened with . The reader simply didn 't get the situation . The situation , as in the case of the murders in Japan , which was the topic discussed , isn 't disability . The situation is the atmosphere of prejudice , ableism and disphobia in which people live . The situation is the lack of access not only to buildings , to justice and to simple respect , not the disability at all . The ' situation ' that transgender people find themselves in , when confronted by a gang of bigots with weapons on a street , isn 't the fact that the person is transgendered , it 's the fact that there are people with weapons on the street . The present situation is something that we as disabled people experience is something that I 'd dearly like to discuss . But how can that conversation be had with people who think that we , ourselves , are the situation ? How can we speak with people who filter our words through pity and hatred ? How can we be heard above the white noise that our difference and our disability create in the minds of those who believe that the noise is cause by our discordant lives rather than their disgust at our bodies ? " That 's where I had my accident , " she said , pointing to a bus stop , " I got off the bus , took a couple steps and fell straight back . " We , the driver and I , were a little surprised to hear her voice as she had sat quietly while he and I gabbed about disability politics and ableism - he 's really into all that stuff . We then listened to her tell her story of the day she became disabled . She didn 't know that what happened would lead to her using a power wheelchair right off . It took a couple of weeks before the damage that had happened during the fall to become fully evident . She spoke of having to adapt her apartment , make sure that she could shower and do all the bathroom stuff that people do , get used to a new way of getting around . Learning the ropes of navigating the world in a wheelchair . Then quietly , she spoke of how she resisted pressures to give up her home , to move in with relatives , to be taken care of . . . she would not be anyone other than who she was . Some would see her and see fragility and they would be wrong . She had a will of iron and a determination to live her life on her own terms . That 's who she was before , that 's who she was now . 6 ) a man with clearly stated goals of mass murdering people with disabilities , a man who had planned it out , who made it abundantly evident that he had a desire to eradicate disabilities from society , spent 12 days in hospital before being released . ( 12 days ! Less than 2 weeks . I guess mass murder of people with disabilities , clearly stated and planned , isn 't that much of a mental health concern . 12 days ! ) The discussion of and public endorsement of the concept of mercy killing of people with disabilities had taken root in this man with alarming ferocity . No doubt he will be spoken of as someone who has mental health issues , and maybe he does , but when you read what he says , what he says isn 't far from what most people have come to believe . His statement to the police upon turning himself in that ' it 's better that disabled people disappear ' isn 't a deranged rant by someone out of control , it 's a calm statement of fact that echos the sentiment of many in society . People with disabilities know this sentiment , we hear it , we experience it and we have come to fear what it will do . Our lives are devalued , are needs seen as special and therefore burdensome , our rights are declared to be gifts rather than guarantees . A specific , targeted attack aimed at eradicating a group - a mass murder of a group of people because of who they are , and no where does anyone speak of hate . No mention of this as a hate crime against people with disabilities . No . Where . I have not read every paper of course , but in my searches on the Internet the only time that ' hate crime ' has been used to describe this event it 's by a disabled writer on a disability blog or on a Facebook post . The line up for the light was long , we knew it would change over several times before we could make our turn . There was a man , hat out , walking the line of cars , asking for money . I had no change at all and was out of Tims cards , which I usually give out to people who ask for cash , as I made a mental list to pick up some more , Joe was digging in his pockets to find what change he had . When the fellow arrived at our car , Joe said , " This is all the change I 've got , sorry it isn 't more . " He took the change and said , " Listen , man , you don 't owe me anything , I 'm grateful for anything you give . " Joe laughed , as he does , and wished the man a good day . He didn 't leave . He smiled and said , pointing to the line up of cars behind us . " These people in these cars , they don 't owe me anything either , ' then he paused , ' but you know what I wish they understood ? " He paused again , " I wish they understood that anyone of them could end up where I am today , I wish they understood that even if they don 't want to give me money , they could still give me respect . I hate it when people act as if I 'm not there , or as if just looking at me would make them dirty , if they don 't want to give me money , say no , I 'm good with that . Just don 't make it like I don 't exist . " I spoke next , " I use a wheelchair and it 's the same , people either stare at me or they pretend I don 't exist . It 's one of the other . I get just wanting respect . I really do . " He thanked us again , " For the change and for a moment 's break from being just a beggar . ' Yesterday we stopped into the pub for a quick couple of drinks before heading home . I 've written about this place before , for me it represents one of the few places of real welcome out there in the community . Real welcome happens when the place itself is structured to be wheelchair accessible and where the people who are there ensure that any blockage of a passageway because of placement of chairs or other stuff in the aisles are moved and where the locals make way at a crowded bar for a couple of others . I like going here even though we don 't get there as often as I 'd like . We were chatting with two guys , one who had sprained his ankle dancing the night before and one who was talking about a twisted knee , I sat there listening and said , ' I can 't wait for my turn cause I 'm going to win this one without breaking a sweat . ' They suddenly realized what I meant and we all laughed . When my disability is fair game for a joke , I know that I 'm in a good and safe place . Just before we left a nice fellow we 've known for years , Wendy , was getting ready to leave and I saw him make his way over to a walker . We hadn 't seen him for a long time and were surprised to see the walker . Wendy is one of those guys who just never seem much to age and always has had a quick wit and a friendly approach . I never realized until then that I never knew his birth name , he has been nick named Wendy for all the years and years we 've known him and I can 't imagine calling him something like Charles or Henry . He 's neither transexual or into drag , he 's just a guy called Wendy . Anyways , Wendy had a walker . He stopped to chat , as we knew he would , and he told us the story of getting the walker after having a few severe health problems this year . He laughed as he told the story of being in a coma for three weeks and how he collapsed at a New Years party . . . and he made it all quite funny . As for the walker , his transition from walking freely to walking with a walker was made with such a matter - of - factness that I was startled . No complaining or carping about now needing a mobility device , instead he saw it just as simply a means to getting out and getting on with his life . That 's the point of mobility devices , you know . The only point that matters . The free stay free , the captive are let go . I wish people could understand that as easily as Wendy did . . . but then , maybe , in his youth , he spent time with Peter Pan . Life is such an odd thing . Right now , on several different fronts , I 'm going through a really tough time . As such when we drove to Saint Jacobs on Thursday night for a fundraiser for Choices in Fort McMurray on Friday in Kitchener , I felt very little like traveling , staying in a hotel , or getting up to do a lecture . I just wanted to sit in a corner and give up . But , that not being an option , we got to the hotel . Joe went and got a few things we needed while I did what needed done on the computer and then , when he got back , he dragged me out for a walk . I enjoyed the fresh air and that frisson of excitement you get when crossing a busy road with cars that refuse to slow to let you pass , and it was simply nice to get out . Getting up and sitting on the side of the bed , I wondered how I was going to give a lecture , particularly one with some humour in it , when I felt humourless and washed out and just tired from life . But the clock ticks and you have to get to it . So , I did . Soon we were in the car and then at the venue . The moment we went in and joined in the buzz of excitement from the team from KW Habilitation who were putting on the fundraiser , things began to change . We watched the bake table get set up , Joe snatched a strawberry and rhubarb pie right off , we met the a fellow with an intellectual disability who was going to be selling 50 / 50 tickets and he was into sales from the get go , we saw the preparations for the lunch that was going to be on sale . We talked with people about what the fundraiser was about and why it was important . For those who don 't know Vita organized a ( we hope ) province wide fundraiser for Choices Association for Community Living in Fort McMurray . We called them to see how the wildfire had affected people with intellectual disability in Fort McMurray given the devastation to the town . What we heard was distressing and we received permission to go ahead and attempt a big fundraiser along with other service organizations serving people with disabilities across the province . Communities Support Communities , we called it - and this was part of that initiative . By the time I was to start I had picked up from the mood of the room , from the determination to help others , from the general excitement that comes from an audience that 's at a lecture on a Friday for a good cause . For the whole day I was away from cares and concerns and worries . It was a wonderful break . I don 't get tired of it . I 've had the power chair for many years now and I don 't get tired of the independence it gives me , the way it allows me to make a contribution to my life with Joe . We had arrived home and were expecting company in just under an hour . I had to run up to the bank and Joe needed to unload the car . I hopped in my chair , came down the elevator with him and then while he headed to the car , I headed to the bank . We are together a lot . Even so , I still love these moments where it 's just me doing what needs to get done . I went to the bank , bought a lottery ticket , and then headed home . I decided to come along the north side of Bloor Street to avoid the construction constriction of narrow passageways on the south side . I regretted it almost immediately . I was like a tiny little boat going west as a tidal wave of young teens came east . There were hundreds of them . All packed together , leaving very little space for anyone else on the sidewalk . There was nothing to do but go forward . I 'm not fond of being surrounded by kids this age , I have uncomfortable memories of being that age that I don 't think I need to explain . Anyway , I headed on . An odd thing happened . Three times . I was noticed by a small group , and they immediately started the pointing and the taunting . IMMEDIATELY . I tried to maintain dignity and keep going . But , only seconds later someone near them , someone their age , a peer , turned and told them to shut up . The voice was stern , not angry , and firm , not emotional . It was just a statement . SHUT UP . The voice carried authority . I looked at the young woman that spoke and she was pretty and petite and powerful . Her voice brooked no opposition and they silence . One even mouthed to me , ' Sorry . ' Then it happened again . Another group started and another voice , male this time , spoke up . ' That 's not cool , stop it , ' he said . Again , a voice of authority . A voice that said , ' I mean this . ' And , amazingly , they did . They did stop . I looked at him , again , a handsome fellow , athletic looking , I nodded a thanks that he brushed away . And then it happened one last time . They were almost by . I 'm not kidding hundreds . A young woman made a fat joke to the girl she was with , I heard it . I won 't repeat it . The girl who spoke was as shocked as I when her friend turned to her and said , ' Why are you being mean ? No need . No need . ' I don 't know who they were , where they were from , what brought them together . But I do know that there are some parents , or teachers , or mentors that should be really , really proud of the work they 've done . I also know that there are some very cool teens who have discovered a way to break the code of silent acceptance of casual cruelty . Joe pulled into the parking spot and I climbed out of the car as he unloaded the wheelchair . He had to gather some stuff in a bag so I headed on to the nearest mall door . Being able to push up a slight slope over a bit of distance has really freed me to get about my business while Joe is doing what he needs to do . I got up the curb cut and was heading to the door . There were two sliding doors so I chose to enter the one closest to my approach . I noticed as the door opened that there was a fellow with cerebral palsy walking along the sidewalk towards where I was entering . I nodded . He nodded . In I went . I had just gone through when I was faced with another set of doors . Before I could register where would be easiest to get through , the door behind me opened and a voice said , " go to the door on your left , it 's hard to tell , but it 's automatic . " I turned , and thanked him . He smiled . " We 've got to have each other 's backs , " he said . I agreed . It 's tempting to say something like ' such a small thing can make such a big difference . ' And , in fact , that was my first thought about the whole thing . But , I realized , when I thought about it , that it wasn 't small at all . In fact , I think we make things like this ' little ' . . . like a ' little act of kindness ' or a ' small gesture of welcome ' . . . when they aren 't little or small at all . Thoughtfulness isn 't natural and it 's always intentional . People may say otherwise , but I don 't believe it to be true , I believe people need to see where their actions could make a difference and then after noting it they have to act on it , that , in and of itself , is astonishing . People may brush aside their actions by saying ' anyone would have done it , when in reality , very few would have . However you want to frame it , he affected my day , my evening and my next morning . I can still hear his voice in my mind . It 's a big deal . At our beach picnic on Saturday , we had some issues with accessibility . All of which I kept my mouth shut about . We were out with Ruby and Sadie and they know well enough about access and access issues , sometimes I want it to be just fun . The problem we had was that the benches alongside the boardwalk weren 't attached right to the boardwalk . Some of them were , all taken , but most were set off to the side . So there was no access from the boardwalk to the bench . I began worrying that we 'd have no where to sit . But then I noticed , way up ahead , a spot where there was a connecting path between the boardwalk and the bike trail . I zoomed up , rode down to the bike trail and then approached a bench from behind . I got us landed . Now there was this huge barrier between me and the beach itself . I hadn 't planned on going on the beach , sand and wheelchairs along with my weight do not for a good roll make . But the barrier was glaring and made me feel like I was sitting much lower than the boardwalk and looking over it , because , well , that 's what it was . But I kept ; my mouth shut . We were here to have fun and , in fact , I was having fun . So were the kids they were in and out of that cold Lake Ontario water getting closer and closer to jumping in each time . They both made it right under the water and then ran pell mell up onto the hot sand and plopped on it , soaking up it 's warmth . They loved the contrast between the cold water and the warm sand . At one point Ruby ran up to the boardwalk , crossed over and jumped down to where I was . She was full of stories about how cold the water was and how hot the sand was . I listened to her tell the story while she was covered head to toe in sand and not minding it one bit . Then she said , ' I have an idea . ' I watched her run back to the beach grab the sand bucket and run to the water . She scooped up the water and ran back to where I was , jumping down and sloshing water everywhere . ' Put your hand in the water , ' she commanded . I complied and remarked that it was indeed really cold . She was gone again . This time she just crossed over the boardwalk and then dumped the water and found a spot and scooped sand into the bucket . Back she came , jumping down to me and holding out the bucket , and said , ' Put your hand in the sand . ' I did and felt the warmth . We were having an amazing day . We 'd been the the beach and had a picnic . As always we brought both chairs , the power chair and the manual , which was used to haul stuff and to give me seating options . When we arrived there wasn 't a picnic table available we pulled up to a bench , I transferred into the manual , we lifted the arms on the power chair , put the table cloth over the seat and voila . It was great . Sadie spotted the ice cream truck just before the bus was to arrive to pick us up so I asked her if she could wait til we got home and then we 'd go out for ice cream . She agreed just as she spotted the bus turning in to pick us up . Our ride home was fun , the whole day had been lovely . Once home and showered , sadly there 's less of a beach left for other people because a couple of buckets of sand washed itself down through our bathtub drain , we left to get ice cream . I held the table on an outdoor patio a couple blocks from our home . It 's my favourite patio for having tea and people watching and I smiled as I watched them cross over to me , hands full of cones and sundaes . Joe then headed in to get us each a tea and the seconds later was back . Everyone was in a brilliant mood , Ruby and Sadie were at their best , sharp , funny and inventive in their story telling of the day . We played a game to see who could give the meanest look that had us all howling . It was awesome . An elderly woman had come out and sat at a table furthest from us . She was clearly in a cranky mood and looked over at us and the kids with annoyance . Let 's face it , this is Yonge Street , right down town , it 's not a fancy table at a tea shoppe in a meadow in Wales . It 's noisy . And we were noisy . We laughed a lot . At one point , after several really nasty looks , she 'd have won the contest , hands down , I 'd had enough of her sighs and her cursing under her breath . I looked at her , and said , " Oh , come on ! " That 's all . I wanted to know that she 'd been seen and that , really , she 's upset about kids laughing ? Kids should be laughing all the time . Childhood should be full of laughter . I was laughing . I should be laughing more . Joe was laughing , his life needs more of that stuff too . We were all getting a lot of oxygen and exercising our senses of humour . The interesting thing was , as soon as I said what I said , her face changed . She stopped . She looked over and saw the girls curled up in laughter as Joe was trying to make a mean face , which he was hysterically bad at , and her face softened . It was like she connected the noise , which was irritating her , with the source . He whole body seemed to just relax . I caught her a couple of times smiling when the girls said something funny . Like Sadie 's dramatic announcement that 's she 's having a really , really , bad day and that we had to treat her nice with extra ice cream . And Ruby 's commentary on the actions of the security guard . I 've never had that kind of encounter before . I expected her to become more hostile or to turn her chair completely away . Even so , I wanted to let her know that her actions were completely out of proportion to what was going on . But it was like throwing cold water on an unnecessary fire . She just , suddenly , became a nice old woman . As a question from a stranger , it 's way too personal . But as it was a conversation that I just fell into and as we were both talking about general health and wellbeing , it didn 't seem out of place , or out of context , so I answered that I did indeed have diabetes . I am no longer insulin dependant , because of the diet and exercise program I 've had myself on for several months , but yes , I have diabetes . Everyone has a story about diabetes , it seems . And every one of those stories is a horror storry . She , my conversation partner , launched into a very detailed story about her sister in law who has diabetes and stubbed her toe . I have heard , when telling someone about having diabetes , about lost digits , lost limbs , lost mobility , lost lives . Yikes and double yikes , it 's like every story I hear is about this Boom Boom Boom tragedy that lurking around the corner waiting to strike me . And , I kinda know that might be true , but I don 't need to hear it every single time I mention that I 've got ' the sugar ' . In fact , when I was telling a group of friends about this experience and complaining about always being told a tragic story when mentioning the diagnosis , one of my friends jumped in with a tragic story about someone losing a leg . Right . Yea . Glad you were listening . All the disabled parking was taken . There were virtually no other cars in the parking lot , but the 10 disabled bays were jam packed full . So Joe let me off at the front of the building and went to park further away . I turned my chair , I was in my manual , and considered the ramp . It was long , so long that they 'd put a four foot flat space about 2 / 3 the way up , a place to stop and rest . It was steep , really steep , I 'm sure it was legal , but I 'm also sure that mountain goats would have rested comfortably on the slope . I rolled over to the bottom of it and looked up . Way up . I knew I had time because Joe was parking , as I said , a fair distance away . I 've been lifting weights , I am noticably stronger , but this was a big ramp . Suddenly I knew I had to try . I started . Steep ramp , long ramp , fat guy in a wheelchair , those three things combined suddenly to make it really hard work . I 'd gotten about half way up the first incline when I just knew I couldn 't do it . But if I let go I 'd go flying backwards down the ramp . Unpleasant images formed in my brain and I knew that option was out . I pressed on and made the rest spot . This is good enough . I 've proved my point . I 'm much stronger than I thought I was . But the top was so close , I 'd rested , I looked and still no sign of Joe . I edged to the edge and then pushed . This was the steepest part of the ramp . I 'm quite high up now . the ramp makes up for about a dozen stairsteps to the ground . I pushed and was now midway up that part of the ramp . Joe sees me and reacts with shock to where I am on the ramp , which is only a few feet from the top . He comes up behind me , he knows better than to simply grab and help . He waited . My arms were straining and I was really tired . Yep , I asked for help . Especially when ' not possible ' is the starting point . I think we forget that when we are working towards a goal . I think we consider failure as our ' go to ' definition of how we are doing when we don 't quite make a goal on an attempt . For me , failure would have been the lack of trying . I not only tried , I got almost to the top . Next time , the top , or if not the top , closer . I feel great . I 've learned to change the definition of success . And because of that , I 'm so much happier and so much more likely to continue on . This morning I added 7 minutes extra into my exercise routine using a higher weight than I 'm comfortable lifting . It 's just 7 minutes , but I know I need to get even stronger and I can see the top of the ramp . I need a bit more strength . So for now 7 minutes more of a weight that I struggle with . For you direct support professionals reading this . Remember if you are working towards a goal with an individual reward effort over accomplisment . It 's a fundamental when teaching someone , it 's the trying that gets to the succeeding so it 's the trying that needs the reinforcment and acknowledgement . Succeeding is its own reward . On Sunday we went to the museum with Ruby and Sadie to see the Chihuly exhibit , which was astonishing . To hear children gasp at the sight of something incredibly beautiful and fantastical and then watch their imaginations burst on fire is part of why we try to get the kids to shows like these . To be fair , it wasn 't just the kids in the room that were reacting to the exhibit with awe and , often , stunned silence . One of the best shows we 've see there . Afterwards the kids wanted to go for a bite in the ' eatateria ' as Sadie calls it . As we were there and as we had time we asked if the kids wanted to go anywhere else in the museum . We 're a lucky group because all of us love the place , and when they both said that they wanted to stay and both had galleries they wanted to go and visit , we filled our afternoon there . Finally we decided to go up and visit the bees and go through the bat cave again . There was a volunteer there who chatted with the girls about the bees and answered their questions in such a way that encouraged more questions , a rare talent . So I fell back a bit to give the girls their space and to get myself out of the way of the traffic of parents and kids going through the area . So Joe was sitting on the ledge over by the kids , the kids were at the bee hive and I was off to one side . I can see how I might have looked as if I was on my own . As such , when someone approached me with that assumption I wasn 't surprised . Then I realized they were a little suspicious of me being there . I responded by saying that I was with the girls who were looking at the bees . I thought by now , I 'd be at the point of my life where there 's be a kind of ' grizzled wisdom ' that comes with age . Where I 'd be letting pearls of enlightenment fall from my lips . Where I 'd smile knowingly at those younger than myself and gently guide them along . " We need a green pepper , " Joe said as we headed home . We agreed that he 'd run into the little local grocery store across the street from where we live . I can go in there but I never do , it 's just accessible enough to be called accessible but the size of the store makes it such that it takes work and the cooperation of others in order to get around . I wait outside . So as we near the store , Joe veers off and I head to a small outdoor plaza area . Just as I go up the ramp to the plaza I make a turn to my right . Doing this I cross right into the path of the man coming behind me that I didn 't notice . It startled me when I saw him and realized that I 'd cut him off , I said automatically , " Sorry . " He , though he 'd been cut off , also said , automatically , " Sorry . " When he did this I made the remark , more to myself than him , " We 're so Canadian . " It 's probably a myth that Canadian 's are a really polite people , but we are a people that readily apologizes . I once heard two fight attendants joking as they were walking to their gate , " Let 's go through Air Canada 's gate and bump into people , they 'll all apologize to us . " And it 's true that 's what we do . So that was the context under which I made my remark . It turned out that he was a recent immigrant to Canada from Syria , he was Muslim , and he had been feeling that he wasn 't adapting to the Canadian culture . Our little interaction was the first time he 'd been called a Canadian , spontaneously , by another person . " I thought that the only thing that people could see when they looked at me was . . . " He never finished , he was overcome . From their web page I discovered almost everything I needed to know . They had a diverse menu , complete with both vegetarian and vegan offerings . They were located right near where we were going to meet our friend . They had really good reviews . I looked , found their phone number and called them . A friendly voice answered the phone . I asked them if their restaurant was wheelchair accessible . " Yes , we are ! " she stated with some excitedment . Then I was told about the flat entrance and the fully accessible washroom . " We are quite proud of the access we provide , " she said . I never know what to say when someone says that they are ' proud ' of being accessible . At an earlier stage of my life with a disability I would have said something like , " and you should be ! " I don 't say that any more . I guess because I think accessibility should be a given not a gift . But , since she was in such a good mood about it all , I thought I 'd press the point . " Well , you aren 't completely accessible , " I said . She rushed to assure me that they were . " The thing is , " I explained , " If you were fully accessible , I wouldn 't be talking to you at all . I went to your web site , like any other customer , checked out your menu , like any other customer , and now I have to call you , unlike other customers , because you have no information about your accessibility on your website . There is still an extra step in the process for disabled people . If you want to be absolutely , fully accessible , you need to remove that last step . " Then , after that frozen pause , " OK , I 've noted it down . I 'll give that to the owners . " Then I felt really bad , like I 'd taken the wind out of her sails about the accessibility of the place . She sounded defeated . I thought I was being an advocate but I was being a bit of an asshole . See it 's this personal bugaboo of mine , I believe that it should be manditory that restaurants and bars have an accessiblity notice on their websites . I once spent an hour in Baltimore calling restaurants trying to find one that had vegetarian options and was wheelchair accessible . It pisses me off . I don 't think I should have to call . I think they should just tell you on their site . I had brought all of that into a conversation with someone who was excited about the fact that the restaurant she worked in was accessible . In fact , I didn 't recognize him at first as he ran over towards us . We had passed a patio that he was sitting on and barely heard him when our names were called . We turned and watched him approach . I asked Joe quietly , " Do you know who this is ? " Joe answered in a whisper , " No . " We took his warm greeting and after a couple of seconds I knew exactly who he was . I used his name in a sentence so that Joe would catch the drift as well . But even as I said his name I could see Joe had remembered . We 're going back to when we first moved to Toronto , late 70 's , that 's a long , long way back . He 'd been a bartender in a bar that we used to go to all the time . It was a different era and you had to go down an alley and then down dark back stairs to get to it . I always felt safe going in , we could see the alley plainly , but no matter how drunk we were , I left wary . Opening a door onto an alley when you are a hated minority is never an easy thing to do . We were very lucky to never have been assaulted there , others were less lucky . Safety should never be a matter of luck . It was nice chatting with him , he 's still way younger than us , by 11 years . Those 11 years don 't show now as much as they did then . He seemed like such a kid back then . We 're all pretty seasoned now . As our chat grew to a close he said that he 'd recognized us immediately because " Neither of you has changed a bit . " I didn 't want to make further issue of it so I let it drop . We continued on and then it was time to part and we all agreed it was nice to see each other and catch up . And it was . Why is it polite , or nice , to erase a big part of my life . I have changed , yes . I have a disability now . It 's OK , it 's just change . It 's just different . It isn 't shameful . It isn 't like a new piece of me that has to move back into the closet . For heaven 's sake , I 'm out about being gay and I 'm out because I 'm in a wheelchair . It probably sounds like carping over something trivial , but to me it isn 't . I don 't like even a brush with shame , had enough of that in my younger years . That stuff stinks . Cradled in her father 's arms she was brought over to where she had pointed . She had directed , father willingly followed . Joe and I were on a patio watching the activity around us . It was then we saw father and daughter making their way over to a big black box , but don 't be deceived , the box produced bubbles by the thousands . They flew out and up and then every which way . Several had made their way over to us , we both , taking one of life 's opportunities to be kids again , tried to catch them . She took catching bubbles quite seriously for a moment , looking surprised when they 'd pop in her hand . One of them brushed her cheek and she startled . She was fresh out of babyhood and to her this was simply wonder . And then . Then . She laughed . Father and daughter stayed for a few minutes more , then he kissed her , helped her grab a bubble or two more , and then headed off . She looked back over his shoulder , at the bubbles , and waved . I don 't know where they were going , or rather , I don 't know where she was going , this tiny little girl with Down Syndrome , but I knew , with certainty where she wasn 't . I knew that while she would have battles to fight , she would fight on firm ground . Ground already won . The school - won . The playground - won . The community - won . She 'd fight her battles but far , far , far from the starting line . Those of us who work or have worked in the community living movement made it possible for a little girl 's life to begin , differently . Every parent who cried bitterly after a fight with the school board . Every staff who listened carefully and then supported someone with a disability to do something magical . Every single person who volunteered , who gave time , who welcomed in , made it possible . Sometimes when I 'm tired I wonder if it mattered . The work I 've done . The work we 've done . Then , at moments like these , watching a little girl , safe in her father 's arms reach out to play with bubbles , I know . Deeply know . That it matters . Yesterday , I simply couldn 't take it any more . The night had been hell , the day didn 't seem to promise better . I woke Joe up and said , " I have to go to the hospital . " I had developed a small cough on Tuesday of last week which had gotten worse , day by day . I 'm not someone who runs to the doctor , or anywhere really , I figured it was just a summer cold . But when I got up from that night , I knew I was really sick . We got ourselves together and entered the hospital at 8 : 30 AM . I was sick , and scared . I absolutely trust my doctor , he 's proven himself over and over and over again to be a smart , kind and compassionate man . I feel safe going to his office . I don 't feel safe going into a hospital in a vulnerable state to be dealt with by strangers . My weight and my disability bring forth prejudices in all sorts of places , but , my oh my , have I had my share of a medical system that can 't hear my symptoms because they 've already determined them . We see the triage nurse first . She is a bit surprising . She asks me questions about my cough , in response to the question , ' have you been out of the country ' I answered , ' yes , ' she looked up concerned , ' where ? ' I said , ' Pennsylvania ' a small smile told me that this wasn 't as ' out of the country ' as she might have first thought . After a few more questions she told me I 'd need a room and that they were stacked full but she 'd get me in when she could . I realized I 'd left my work phone at home so Joe went to get it . Vita was in the parade and I wanted to be in contact with them throughout the day . Just after he left , I was invited in , a room had become vacant . I 'd been there , maybe 10 minutes . Once in the room , I had to organize it so there was room for both my chair and the bed . Joe got back , quickly having taken a taxi home and back , and just sat down when a woman came in with an ECG machine ( the thing where they put sticky things around your heart and then attach you to it . It looked like they were doing an experiment on my left boob ) and in a quick and friendly manner explained that she was not my assigned nurse but as my nurse was busy , she thought she 'd help out . That done . Then blood drawn . Then goodbye . Two seconds later I was taken to the xray room where a really young woman , they are getting so very , very young , guided me through the process of getting an xray while in the chair . Back in the room , we quietly read for about ten minutes when the doctor arrives . I have pneumonia . I told you I was sick . He wants to wait for the blood work but as I 'm relatively healthy , he wasn 't worried . He left promising a prescription , a note for work and a thing to take to my doctor . All through that , all through , I was treated like a patient . I was listened to . I was asked questions about my symptoms not my body . I was spoken to with both respect and kindness . One by one my fears were proving , in this case , I 'm not naive , to be groundless . Just before 11 we were out . On the way out I wanted to thank someone , not just for the service but for how it was performed . I wanted them to notice , because good people don 't , that they had been good people . They had treated me with respect . I 've mentioned him to you before , and I 'm sad I can 't remember his name , but just after becoming disabled I was giving a lecture in Glasgow somewhere . I spoke with a man who unlike me had been born with his disability . I asked him for advice , as from a mentor , he said , " Don 't ever get in the habit of being grateful for what other people simply expect . " That has really stayed with me . I see a wisdom behind it . But I failed him as I left the hospital , I did feel grateful . I think everyone remembers a moment , some of us will remember many , when we wished , with all our hearts , that someone , anyone , would have invited us or welcomed us to a seat at their table . Those moments of sheer isolation are searingly painful , when the recognition that you are utterly alone , carries with it blame : ' you 're different , your fault . ' The drive to belong isn 't just a drive to fellowship , it 's also a drive to affirmation - I am likable , lovable , worthy . That 's the slogan or theme of this year 's Pride celebration in Toronto . It 's the first I 've really taken notice of , most of them haven 't had much shelf life in my memory because , for me , they didn 't really have resonance with the life I lived or am living . But this year , when I read the theme , 5 simple words , I felt an immediate connection . So much so that I had to gulp back tears . Oh , my , gosh , words that I longed to hear for years , the invitation that never came in time , oh , my , gosh . On so many levels this is a beautiful theme . It encompasses so much of what we long for as human beings , it counters the messages of rejection we hear too often and it offers embrace in place of rejection . More than that it is the solution to bullying , it is the solution to alienation , it is the solution to intolerance . Offering a place at the table , a voice in the discussion , a welcome into membership is risky business indeed . You can 't offer a space beside you without being willing to create space , just a little more , within your own heart . I admire the theme . I admire the goal . I admire every honourable sentiment behind it . I even admire the fact that it was written without exclamation marks . It 's written to be said , not shouted , spoken , not announced . But I hope for more . I hope that after the march today and the party tonight that people will wake up tomorrow morning and glance over at the tee shirt or shopping bag or sticker and see the ' You can sit with us ! ! ' logo and , perhaps , think about it a little bit . There is a call there to become a welcoming community . There is a quiet urging about the words that should lead to a kind of self examination , are we as proud of our diversity as we are of our difference ? Are these words we would really be willing to say , to someone , with different differences ? I bought a shopping bag with the slogan on it . I wanted to be reminded of my feelings when I first saw the words . I used it shortly after , in a store near where I live , one of the clerks noticed my bag and said , " Well , you 've got the right bag for the weekend . " I agreed that I did , he then stopped , turned , and said to me , " Awfully big words , aren 't they . " " May they one day be true , " I said . He nodded . I don 't know his story , probably never will , but I know one thing . He once , like me , looked for a welcome he didn 't receive . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .
I 'm not sure what it is about the bump that makes it one that is really difficult for me to negotiate . To be sure , I get over these kinds of things in other places , in other doors . But the one here , in the entrance to my own apartment building , it 's just brutal . I 've been lifting weights since February 1st , I can push myself uphill , I can get myself up and over the small bumps that accompany almost every curb , but the threshold of that front door simply doesn 't want to let me in . I 've developed the only technique that works , because that 's what people with disabilities do , we encounter barriers and figure out how to manage them . That technique is to hold the handrails on both of the front doors , tilt my chair to a 45 degree angle , then act all Olympic bobsled rider at the top of the run . Back and forth a couple of time then a huge push through , the chair careens towards the threshold and pops over . Works almost every time , when it doesn 't I almost throw myself out of the chair . Because of that Joe watches me do this with a mixture of humour and horror . Humour because he finds everything funny , horror at the idea of getting me off the floor and back into the chair . We manage , that 's the message here . But we manage when I do this the way I need to do this . I 've written before about the problem I have when people want to hold the door for me and the difficulty I have in getting the door back so I can use it . When they hold the door open , I quite literally , can 't get in . For the most part people in the building have learned to listen to me when I request something , rarely , or ask them , politely , to not help . But couple days ago I found myself in the middle of a kindness fight between two men and one woman all determine to hold the door open for me . One fellow came out , saw me rushed to get the door , before I could stop him another guy came by saying to the first guy , ' I 've got it . ' The both held on a second later a young woman was coming in and reached from behind and said to the two guys , ' you guys go ahead , I 'm on my way in . ' For a second they all just held the door in silence . A kindness competition was going on , and me , sitting under all these arms . In that silence I found opportunity , ' I need the door so I can use the handrail to get in . ' A choir , ' No , it 's OK . ' I looked to Joe who also saw the absurdity of the situation and had started laughing . They glanced at him , and though his laughter he explained how I got through the door , unable to speak most words he mimed them while ha ha ha - ing through the explanation . I looked up at them they looked down at me . Then we all just laughed . They let go of the door , I grabbed the bar , I already had the other one in my hand and I pushed back and forth a couple times and then shot into the lobby to their applause . I was reading an article on the stabbings of disabled people in Japan , an act of domestic terrorism , and a hate crime targeting those of us with disabilities . The article was written by a person with a disability , you could tell that simply because the terms ' hate crime ' and ' domestic terrorism ' were used . I still have not seen those terms used in mainstream media written by a non - disabled person . I DID see an article in the Japan times using the term ' mercy killings . ' So there we have the great divide , those of us in the disability community and those who simply see us , to greater and lesser degrees , as burdens of one kind or another . I read comments here on my blog and on my Facebook page with great interest and curiosity , I like seeing how this community of readers and those with whom we have agreed to call ourselves ' friends ' on Facebook react . In both places , there are wonderful people who discuss , disagree and sometimes debate issues and topics that I raise . But , reading comments in other forums is a very different thing . For example , I posted a video of one of the mother 's who 's son died in the Orlando massacre at the Pulse nightclub as she spoke at the Democratic National Convention . I went to the comments and was shocked at the hate and the vitriol aimed at her . People even claimed that the massacre never actually happened but was staged by the anti - gun people . Mostly the called her the ' B ' word , mostly they accused her of simply being a bad actress paid for the performance . Mostly they assaulted her in any way , using any argument they could . I get very cold when I read these kinds of remarks . The same was true when I read the remarks of a disabled writer writing about a disabled issue and bringing in a disability lens . I was shocked . The attack on the writer was astonishing . Oddly they 'd attack him , verbally victimize him and then challenge him on playing the victim card . Wow . But one of the comments that struck me was the one I opened with . The reader simply didn 't get the situation . The situation , as in the case of the murders in Japan , which was the topic discussed , isn 't disability . The situation is the atmosphere of prejudice , ableism and disphobia in which people live . The situation is the lack of access not only to buildings , to justice and to simple respect , not the disability at all . The ' situation ' that transgender people find themselves in , when confronted by a gang of bigots with weapons on a street , isn 't the fact that the person is transgendered , it 's the fact that there are people with weapons on the street . The present situation is something that we as disabled people experience is something that I 'd dearly like to discuss . But how can that conversation be had with people who think that we , ourselves , are the situation ? How can we speak with people who filter our words through pity and hatred ? How can we be heard above the white noise that our difference and our disability create in the minds of those who believe that the noise is cause by our discordant lives rather than their disgust at our bodies ? " That 's where I had my accident , " she said , pointing to a bus stop , " I got off the bus , took a couple steps and fell straight back . " We , the driver and I , were a little surprised to hear her voice as she had sat quietly while he and I gabbed about disability politics and ableism - he 's really into all that stuff . We then listened to her tell her story of the day she became disabled . She didn 't know that what happened would lead to her using a power wheelchair right off . It took a couple of weeks before the damage that had happened during the fall to become fully evident . She spoke of having to adapt her apartment , make sure that she could shower and do all the bathroom stuff that people do , get used to a new way of getting around . Learning the ropes of navigating the world in a wheelchair . Then quietly , she spoke of how she resisted pressures to give up her home , to move in with relatives , to be taken care of . . . she would not be anyone other than who she was . Some would see her and see fragility and they would be wrong . She had a will of iron and a determination to live her life on her own terms . That 's who she was before , that 's who she was now . 6 ) a man with clearly stated goals of mass murdering people with disabilities , a man who had planned it out , who made it abundantly evident that he had a desire to eradicate disabilities from society , spent 12 days in hospital before being released . ( 12 days ! Less than 2 weeks . I guess mass murder of people with disabilities , clearly stated and planned , isn 't that much of a mental health concern . 12 days ! ) The discussion of and public endorsement of the concept of mercy killing of people with disabilities had taken root in this man with alarming ferocity . No doubt he will be spoken of as someone who has mental health issues , and maybe he does , but when you read what he says , what he says isn 't far from what most people have come to believe . His statement to the police upon turning himself in that ' it 's better that disabled people disappear ' isn 't a deranged rant by someone out of control , it 's a calm statement of fact that echos the sentiment of many in society . People with disabilities know this sentiment , we hear it , we experience it and we have come to fear what it will do . Our lives are devalued , are needs seen as special and therefore burdensome , our rights are declared to be gifts rather than guarantees . A specific , targeted attack aimed at eradicating a group - a mass murder of a group of people because of who they are , and no where does anyone speak of hate . No mention of this as a hate crime against people with disabilities . No . Where . I have not read every paper of course , but in my searches on the Internet the only time that ' hate crime ' has been used to describe this event it 's by a disabled writer on a disability blog or on a Facebook post . The line up for the light was long , we knew it would change over several times before we could make our turn . There was a man , hat out , walking the line of cars , asking for money . I had no change at all and was out of Tims cards , which I usually give out to people who ask for cash , as I made a mental list to pick up some more , Joe was digging in his pockets to find what change he had . When the fellow arrived at our car , Joe said , " This is all the change I 've got , sorry it isn 't more . " He took the change and said , " Listen , man , you don 't owe me anything , I 'm grateful for anything you give . " Joe laughed , as he does , and wished the man a good day . He didn 't leave . He smiled and said , pointing to the line up of cars behind us . " These people in these cars , they don 't owe me anything either , ' then he paused , ' but you know what I wish they understood ? " He paused again , " I wish they understood that anyone of them could end up where I am today , I wish they understood that even if they don 't want to give me money , they could still give me respect . I hate it when people act as if I 'm not there , or as if just looking at me would make them dirty , if they don 't want to give me money , say no , I 'm good with that . Just don 't make it like I don 't exist . " I spoke next , " I use a wheelchair and it 's the same , people either stare at me or they pretend I don 't exist . It 's one of the other . I get just wanting respect . I really do . " He thanked us again , " For the change and for a moment 's break from being just a beggar . ' Yesterday we stopped into the pub for a quick couple of drinks before heading home . I 've written about this place before , for me it represents one of the few places of real welcome out there in the community . Real welcome happens when the place itself is structured to be wheelchair accessible and where the people who are there ensure that any blockage of a passageway because of placement of chairs or other stuff in the aisles are moved and where the locals make way at a crowded bar for a couple of others . I like going here even though we don 't get there as often as I 'd like . We were chatting with two guys , one who had sprained his ankle dancing the night before and one who was talking about a twisted knee , I sat there listening and said , ' I can 't wait for my turn cause I 'm going to win this one without breaking a sweat . ' They suddenly realized what I meant and we all laughed . When my disability is fair game for a joke , I know that I 'm in a good and safe place . Just before we left a nice fellow we 've known for years , Wendy , was getting ready to leave and I saw him make his way over to a walker . We hadn 't seen him for a long time and were surprised to see the walker . Wendy is one of those guys who just never seem much to age and always has had a quick wit and a friendly approach . I never realized until then that I never knew his birth name , he has been nick named Wendy for all the years and years we 've known him and I can 't imagine calling him something like Charles or Henry . He 's neither transexual or into drag , he 's just a guy called Wendy . Anyways , Wendy had a walker . He stopped to chat , as we knew he would , and he told us the story of getting the walker after having a few severe health problems this year . He laughed as he told the story of being in a coma for three weeks and how he collapsed at a New Years party . . . and he made it all quite funny . As for the walker , his transition from walking freely to walking with a walker was made with such a matter - of - factness that I was startled . No complaining or carping about now needing a mobility device , instead he saw it just as simply a means to getting out and getting on with his life . That 's the point of mobility devices , you know . The only point that matters . The free stay free , the captive are let go . I wish people could understand that as easily as Wendy did . . . but then , maybe , in his youth , he spent time with Peter Pan . Life is such an odd thing . Right now , on several different fronts , I 'm going through a really tough time . As such when we drove to Saint Jacobs on Thursday night for a fundraiser for Choices in Fort McMurray on Friday in Kitchener , I felt very little like traveling , staying in a hotel , or getting up to do a lecture . I just wanted to sit in a corner and give up . But , that not being an option , we got to the hotel . Joe went and got a few things we needed while I did what needed done on the computer and then , when he got back , he dragged me out for a walk . I enjoyed the fresh air and that frisson of excitement you get when crossing a busy road with cars that refuse to slow to let you pass , and it was simply nice to get out . Getting up and sitting on the side of the bed , I wondered how I was going to give a lecture , particularly one with some humour in it , when I felt humourless and washed out and just tired from life . But the clock ticks and you have to get to it . So , I did . Soon we were in the car and then at the venue . The moment we went in and joined in the buzz of excitement from the team from KW Habilitation who were putting on the fundraiser , things began to change . We watched the bake table get set up , Joe snatched a strawberry and rhubarb pie right off , we met the a fellow with an intellectual disability who was going to be selling 50 / 50 tickets and he was into sales from the get go , we saw the preparations for the lunch that was going to be on sale . We talked with people about what the fundraiser was about and why it was important . For those who don 't know Vita organized a ( we hope ) province wide fundraiser for Choices Association for Community Living in Fort McMurray . We called them to see how the wildfire had affected people with intellectual disability in Fort McMurray given the devastation to the town . What we heard was distressing and we received permission to go ahead and attempt a big fundraiser along with other service organizations serving people with disabilities across the province . Communities Support Communities , we called it - and this was part of that initiative . By the time I was to start I had picked up from the mood of the room , from the determination to help others , from the general excitement that comes from an audience that 's at a lecture on a Friday for a good cause . For the whole day I was away from cares and concerns and worries . It was a wonderful break . I don 't get tired of it . I 've had the power chair for many years now and I don 't get tired of the independence it gives me , the way it allows me to make a contribution to my life with Joe . We had arrived home and were expecting company in just under an hour . I had to run up to the bank and Joe needed to unload the car . I hopped in my chair , came down the elevator with him and then while he headed to the car , I headed to the bank . We are together a lot . Even so , I still love these moments where it 's just me doing what needs to get done . I went to the bank , bought a lottery ticket , and then headed home . I decided to come along the north side of Bloor Street to avoid the construction constriction of narrow passageways on the south side . I regretted it almost immediately . I was like a tiny little boat going west as a tidal wave of young teens came east . There were hundreds of them . All packed together , leaving very little space for anyone else on the sidewalk . There was nothing to do but go forward . I 'm not fond of being surrounded by kids this age , I have uncomfortable memories of being that age that I don 't think I need to explain . Anyway , I headed on . An odd thing happened . Three times . I was noticed by a small group , and they immediately started the pointing and the taunting . IMMEDIATELY . I tried to maintain dignity and keep going . But , only seconds later someone near them , someone their age , a peer , turned and told them to shut up . The voice was stern , not angry , and firm , not emotional . It was just a statement . SHUT UP . The voice carried authority . I looked at the young woman that spoke and she was pretty and petite and powerful . Her voice brooked no opposition and they silence . One even mouthed to me , ' Sorry . ' Then it happened again . Another group started and another voice , male this time , spoke up . ' That 's not cool , stop it , ' he said . Again , a voice of authority . A voice that said , ' I mean this . ' And , amazingly , they did . They did stop . I looked at him , again , a handsome fellow , athletic looking , I nodded a thanks that he brushed away . And then it happened one last time . They were almost by . I 'm not kidding hundreds . A young woman made a fat joke to the girl she was with , I heard it . I won 't repeat it . The girl who spoke was as shocked as I when her friend turned to her and said , ' Why are you being mean ? No need . No need . ' I don 't know who they were , where they were from , what brought them together . But I do know that there are some parents , or teachers , or mentors that should be really , really proud of the work they 've done . I also know that there are some very cool teens who have discovered a way to break the code of silent acceptance of casual cruelty . Joe pulled into the parking spot and I climbed out of the car as he unloaded the wheelchair . He had to gather some stuff in a bag so I headed on to the nearest mall door . Being able to push up a slight slope over a bit of distance has really freed me to get about my business while Joe is doing what he needs to do . I got up the curb cut and was heading to the door . There were two sliding doors so I chose to enter the one closest to my approach . I noticed as the door opened that there was a fellow with cerebral palsy walking along the sidewalk towards where I was entering . I nodded . He nodded . In I went . I had just gone through when I was faced with another set of doors . Before I could register where would be easiest to get through , the door behind me opened and a voice said , " go to the door on your left , it 's hard to tell , but it 's automatic . " I turned , and thanked him . He smiled . " We 've got to have each other 's backs , " he said . I agreed . It 's tempting to say something like ' such a small thing can make such a big difference . ' And , in fact , that was my first thought about the whole thing . But , I realized , when I thought about it , that it wasn 't small at all . In fact , I think we make things like this ' little ' . . . like a ' little act of kindness ' or a ' small gesture of welcome ' . . . when they aren 't little or small at all . Thoughtfulness isn 't natural and it 's always intentional . People may say otherwise , but I don 't believe it to be true , I believe people need to see where their actions could make a difference and then after noting it they have to act on it , that , in and of itself , is astonishing . People may brush aside their actions by saying ' anyone would have done it , when in reality , very few would have . However you want to frame it , he affected my day , my evening and my next morning . I can still hear his voice in my mind . It 's a big deal . At our beach picnic on Saturday , we had some issues with accessibility . All of which I kept my mouth shut about . We were out with Ruby and Sadie and they know well enough about access and access issues , sometimes I want it to be just fun . The problem we had was that the benches alongside the boardwalk weren 't attached right to the boardwalk . Some of them were , all taken , but most were set off to the side . So there was no access from the boardwalk to the bench . I began worrying that we 'd have no where to sit . But then I noticed , way up ahead , a spot where there was a connecting path between the boardwalk and the bike trail . I zoomed up , rode down to the bike trail and then approached a bench from behind . I got us landed . Now there was this huge barrier between me and the beach itself . I hadn 't planned on going on the beach , sand and wheelchairs along with my weight do not for a good roll make . But the barrier was glaring and made me feel like I was sitting much lower than the boardwalk and looking over it , because , well , that 's what it was . But I kept ; my mouth shut . We were here to have fun and , in fact , I was having fun . So were the kids they were in and out of that cold Lake Ontario water getting closer and closer to jumping in each time . They both made it right under the water and then ran pell mell up onto the hot sand and plopped on it , soaking up it 's warmth . They loved the contrast between the cold water and the warm sand . At one point Ruby ran up to the boardwalk , crossed over and jumped down to where I was . She was full of stories about how cold the water was and how hot the sand was . I listened to her tell the story while she was covered head to toe in sand and not minding it one bit . Then she said , ' I have an idea . ' I watched her run back to the beach grab the sand bucket and run to the water . She scooped up the water and ran back to where I was , jumping down and sloshing water everywhere . ' Put your hand in the water , ' she commanded . I complied and remarked that it was indeed really cold . She was gone again . This time she just crossed over the boardwalk and then dumped the water and found a spot and scooped sand into the bucket . Back she came , jumping down to me and holding out the bucket , and said , ' Put your hand in the sand . ' I did and felt the warmth . We were having an amazing day . We 'd been the the beach and had a picnic . As always we brought both chairs , the power chair and the manual , which was used to haul stuff and to give me seating options . When we arrived there wasn 't a picnic table available we pulled up to a bench , I transferred into the manual , we lifted the arms on the power chair , put the table cloth over the seat and voila . It was great . Sadie spotted the ice cream truck just before the bus was to arrive to pick us up so I asked her if she could wait til we got home and then we 'd go out for ice cream . She agreed just as she spotted the bus turning in to pick us up . Our ride home was fun , the whole day had been lovely . Once home and showered , sadly there 's less of a beach left for other people because a couple of buckets of sand washed itself down through our bathtub drain , we left to get ice cream . I held the table on an outdoor patio a couple blocks from our home . It 's my favourite patio for having tea and people watching and I smiled as I watched them cross over to me , hands full of cones and sundaes . Joe then headed in to get us each a tea and the seconds later was back . Everyone was in a brilliant mood , Ruby and Sadie were at their best , sharp , funny and inventive in their story telling of the day . We played a game to see who could give the meanest look that had us all howling . It was awesome . An elderly woman had come out and sat at a table furthest from us . She was clearly in a cranky mood and looked over at us and the kids with annoyance . Let 's face it , this is Yonge Street , right down town , it 's not a fancy table at a tea shoppe in a meadow in Wales . It 's noisy . And we were noisy . We laughed a lot . At one point , after several really nasty looks , she 'd have won the contest , hands down , I 'd had enough of her sighs and her cursing under her breath . I looked at her , and said , " Oh , come on ! " That 's all . I wanted to know that she 'd been seen and that , really , she 's upset about kids laughing ? Kids should be laughing all the time . Childhood should be full of laughter . I was laughing . I should be laughing more . Joe was laughing , his life needs more of that stuff too . We were all getting a lot of oxygen and exercising our senses of humour . The interesting thing was , as soon as I said what I said , her face changed . She stopped . She looked over and saw the girls curled up in laughter as Joe was trying to make a mean face , which he was hysterically bad at , and her face softened . It was like she connected the noise , which was irritating her , with the source . He whole body seemed to just relax . I caught her a couple of times smiling when the girls said something funny . Like Sadie 's dramatic announcement that 's she 's having a really , really , bad day and that we had to treat her nice with extra ice cream . And Ruby 's commentary on the actions of the security guard . I 've never had that kind of encounter before . I expected her to become more hostile or to turn her chair completely away . Even so , I wanted to let her know that her actions were completely out of proportion to what was going on . But it was like throwing cold water on an unnecessary fire . She just , suddenly , became a nice old woman . As a question from a stranger , it 's way too personal . But as it was a conversation that I just fell into and as we were both talking about general health and wellbeing , it didn 't seem out of place , or out of context , so I answered that I did indeed have diabetes . I am no longer insulin dependant , because of the diet and exercise program I 've had myself on for several months , but yes , I have diabetes . Everyone has a story about diabetes , it seems . And every one of those stories is a horror storry . She , my conversation partner , launched into a very detailed story about her sister in law who has diabetes and stubbed her toe . I have heard , when telling someone about having diabetes , about lost digits , lost limbs , lost mobility , lost lives . Yikes and double yikes , it 's like every story I hear is about this Boom Boom Boom tragedy that lurking around the corner waiting to strike me . And , I kinda know that might be true , but I don 't need to hear it every single time I mention that I 've got ' the sugar ' . In fact , when I was telling a group of friends about this experience and complaining about always being told a tragic story when mentioning the diagnosis , one of my friends jumped in with a tragic story about someone losing a leg . Right . Yea . Glad you were listening . All the disabled parking was taken . There were virtually no other cars in the parking lot , but the 10 disabled bays were jam packed full . So Joe let me off at the front of the building and went to park further away . I turned my chair , I was in my manual , and considered the ramp . It was long , so long that they 'd put a four foot flat space about 2 / 3 the way up , a place to stop and rest . It was steep , really steep , I 'm sure it was legal , but I 'm also sure that mountain goats would have rested comfortably on the slope . I rolled over to the bottom of it and looked up . Way up . I knew I had time because Joe was parking , as I said , a fair distance away . I 've been lifting weights , I am noticably stronger , but this was a big ramp . Suddenly I knew I had to try . I started . Steep ramp , long ramp , fat guy in a wheelchair , those three things combined suddenly to make it really hard work . I 'd gotten about half way up the first incline when I just knew I couldn 't do it . But if I let go I 'd go flying backwards down the ramp . Unpleasant images formed in my brain and I knew that option was out . I pressed on and made the rest spot . This is good enough . I 've proved my point . I 'm much stronger than I thought I was . But the top was so close , I 'd rested , I looked and still no sign of Joe . I edged to the edge and then pushed . This was the steepest part of the ramp . I 'm quite high up now . the ramp makes up for about a dozen stairsteps to the ground . I pushed and was now midway up that part of the ramp . Joe sees me and reacts with shock to where I am on the ramp , which is only a few feet from the top . He comes up behind me , he knows better than to simply grab and help . He waited . My arms were straining and I was really tired . Yep , I asked for help . Especially when ' not possible ' is the starting point . I think we forget that when we are working towards a goal . I think we consider failure as our ' go to ' definition of how we are doing when we don 't quite make a goal on an attempt . For me , failure would have been the lack of trying . I not only tried , I got almost to the top . Next time , the top , or if not the top , closer . I feel great . I 've learned to change the definition of success . And because of that , I 'm so much happier and so much more likely to continue on . This morning I added 7 minutes extra into my exercise routine using a higher weight than I 'm comfortable lifting . It 's just 7 minutes , but I know I need to get even stronger and I can see the top of the ramp . I need a bit more strength . So for now 7 minutes more of a weight that I struggle with . For you direct support professionals reading this . Remember if you are working towards a goal with an individual reward effort over accomplisment . It 's a fundamental when teaching someone , it 's the trying that gets to the succeeding so it 's the trying that needs the reinforcment and acknowledgement . Succeeding is its own reward . On Sunday we went to the museum with Ruby and Sadie to see the Chihuly exhibit , which was astonishing . To hear children gasp at the sight of something incredibly beautiful and fantastical and then watch their imaginations burst on fire is part of why we try to get the kids to shows like these . To be fair , it wasn 't just the kids in the room that were reacting to the exhibit with awe and , often , stunned silence . One of the best shows we 've see there . Afterwards the kids wanted to go for a bite in the ' eatateria ' as Sadie calls it . As we were there and as we had time we asked if the kids wanted to go anywhere else in the museum . We 're a lucky group because all of us love the place , and when they both said that they wanted to stay and both had galleries they wanted to go and visit , we filled our afternoon there . Finally we decided to go up and visit the bees and go through the bat cave again . There was a volunteer there who chatted with the girls about the bees and answered their questions in such a way that encouraged more questions , a rare talent . So I fell back a bit to give the girls their space and to get myself out of the way of the traffic of parents and kids going through the area . So Joe was sitting on the ledge over by the kids , the kids were at the bee hive and I was off to one side . I can see how I might have looked as if I was on my own . As such , when someone approached me with that assumption I wasn 't surprised . Then I realized they were a little suspicious of me being there . I responded by saying that I was with the girls who were looking at the bees . I thought by now , I 'd be at the point of my life where there 's be a kind of ' grizzled wisdom ' that comes with age . Where I 'd be letting pearls of enlightenment fall from my lips . Where I 'd smile knowingly at those younger than myself and gently guide them along . " We need a green pepper , " Joe said as we headed home . We agreed that he 'd run into the little local grocery store across the street from where we live . I can go in there but I never do , it 's just accessible enough to be called accessible but the size of the store makes it such that it takes work and the cooperation of others in order to get around . I wait outside . So as we near the store , Joe veers off and I head to a small outdoor plaza area . Just as I go up the ramp to the plaza I make a turn to my right . Doing this I cross right into the path of the man coming behind me that I didn 't notice . It startled me when I saw him and realized that I 'd cut him off , I said automatically , " Sorry . " He , though he 'd been cut off , also said , automatically , " Sorry . " When he did this I made the remark , more to myself than him , " We 're so Canadian . " It 's probably a myth that Canadian 's are a really polite people , but we are a people that readily apologizes . I once heard two fight attendants joking as they were walking to their gate , " Let 's go through Air Canada 's gate and bump into people , they 'll all apologize to us . " And it 's true that 's what we do . So that was the context under which I made my remark . It turned out that he was a recent immigrant to Canada from Syria , he was Muslim , and he had been feeling that he wasn 't adapting to the Canadian culture . Our little interaction was the first time he 'd been called a Canadian , spontaneously , by another person . " I thought that the only thing that people could see when they looked at me was . . . " He never finished , he was overcome . From their web page I discovered almost everything I needed to know . They had a diverse menu , complete with both vegetarian and vegan offerings . They were located right near where we were going to meet our friend . They had really good reviews . I looked , found their phone number and called them . A friendly voice answered the phone . I asked them if their restaurant was wheelchair accessible . " Yes , we are ! " she stated with some excitedment . Then I was told about the flat entrance and the fully accessible washroom . " We are quite proud of the access we provide , " she said . I never know what to say when someone says that they are ' proud ' of being accessible . At an earlier stage of my life with a disability I would have said something like , " and you should be ! " I don 't say that any more . I guess because I think accessibility should be a given not a gift . But , since she was in such a good mood about it all , I thought I 'd press the point . " Well , you aren 't completely accessible , " I said . She rushed to assure me that they were . " The thing is , " I explained , " If you were fully accessible , I wouldn 't be talking to you at all . I went to your web site , like any other customer , checked out your menu , like any other customer , and now I have to call you , unlike other customers , because you have no information about your accessibility on your website . There is still an extra step in the process for disabled people . If you want to be absolutely , fully accessible , you need to remove that last step . " Then , after that frozen pause , " OK , I 've noted it down . I 'll give that to the owners . " Then I felt really bad , like I 'd taken the wind out of her sails about the accessibility of the place . She sounded defeated . I thought I was being an advocate but I was being a bit of an asshole . See it 's this personal bugaboo of mine , I believe that it should be manditory that restaurants and bars have an accessiblity notice on their websites . I once spent an hour in Baltimore calling restaurants trying to find one that had vegetarian options and was wheelchair accessible . It pisses me off . I don 't think I should have to call . I think they should just tell you on their site . I had brought all of that into a conversation with someone who was excited about the fact that the restaurant she worked in was accessible . In fact , I didn 't recognize him at first as he ran over towards us . We had passed a patio that he was sitting on and barely heard him when our names were called . We turned and watched him approach . I asked Joe quietly , " Do you know who this is ? " Joe answered in a whisper , " No . " We took his warm greeting and after a couple of seconds I knew exactly who he was . I used his name in a sentence so that Joe would catch the drift as well . But even as I said his name I could see Joe had remembered . We 're going back to when we first moved to Toronto , late 70 's , that 's a long , long way back . He 'd been a bartender in a bar that we used to go to all the time . It was a different era and you had to go down an alley and then down dark back stairs to get to it . I always felt safe going in , we could see the alley plainly , but no matter how drunk we were , I left wary . Opening a door onto an alley when you are a hated minority is never an easy thing to do . We were very lucky to never have been assaulted there , others were less lucky . Safety should never be a matter of luck . It was nice chatting with him , he 's still way younger than us , by 11 years . Those 11 years don 't show now as much as they did then . He seemed like such a kid back then . We 're all pretty seasoned now . As our chat grew to a close he said that he 'd recognized us immediately because " Neither of you has changed a bit . " I didn 't want to make further issue of it so I let it drop . We continued on and then it was time to part and we all agreed it was nice to see each other and catch up . And it was . Why is it polite , or nice , to erase a big part of my life . I have changed , yes . I have a disability now . It 's OK , it 's just change . It 's just different . It isn 't shameful . It isn 't like a new piece of me that has to move back into the closet . For heaven 's sake , I 'm out about being gay and I 'm out because I 'm in a wheelchair . It probably sounds like carping over something trivial , but to me it isn 't . I don 't like even a brush with shame , had enough of that in my younger years . That stuff stinks . Cradled in her father 's arms she was brought over to where she had pointed . She had directed , father willingly followed . Joe and I were on a patio watching the activity around us . It was then we saw father and daughter making their way over to a big black box , but don 't be deceived , the box produced bubbles by the thousands . They flew out and up and then every which way . Several had made their way over to us , we both , taking one of life 's opportunities to be kids again , tried to catch them . She took catching bubbles quite seriously for a moment , looking surprised when they 'd pop in her hand . One of them brushed her cheek and she startled . She was fresh out of babyhood and to her this was simply wonder . And then . Then . She laughed . Father and daughter stayed for a few minutes more , then he kissed her , helped her grab a bubble or two more , and then headed off . She looked back over his shoulder , at the bubbles , and waved . I don 't know where they were going , or rather , I don 't know where she was going , this tiny little girl with Down Syndrome , but I knew , with certainty where she wasn 't . I knew that while she would have battles to fight , she would fight on firm ground . Ground already won . The school - won . The playground - won . The community - won . She 'd fight her battles but far , far , far from the starting line . Those of us who work or have worked in the community living movement made it possible for a little girl 's life to begin , differently . Every parent who cried bitterly after a fight with the school board . Every staff who listened carefully and then supported someone with a disability to do something magical . Every single person who volunteered , who gave time , who welcomed in , made it possible . Sometimes when I 'm tired I wonder if it mattered . The work I 've done . The work we 've done . Then , at moments like these , watching a little girl , safe in her father 's arms reach out to play with bubbles , I know . Deeply know . That it matters . Yesterday , I simply couldn 't take it any more . The night had been hell , the day didn 't seem to promise better . I woke Joe up and said , " I have to go to the hospital . " I had developed a small cough on Tuesday of last week which had gotten worse , day by day . I 'm not someone who runs to the doctor , or anywhere really , I figured it was just a summer cold . But when I got up from that night , I knew I was really sick . We got ourselves together and entered the hospital at 8 : 30 AM . I was sick , and scared . I absolutely trust my doctor , he 's proven himself over and over and over again to be a smart , kind and compassionate man . I feel safe going to his office . I don 't feel safe going into a hospital in a vulnerable state to be dealt with by strangers . My weight and my disability bring forth prejudices in all sorts of places , but , my oh my , have I had my share of a medical system that can 't hear my symptoms because they 've already determined them . We see the triage nurse first . She is a bit surprising . She asks me questions about my cough , in response to the question , ' have you been out of the country ' I answered , ' yes , ' she looked up concerned , ' where ? ' I said , ' Pennsylvania ' a small smile told me that this wasn 't as ' out of the country ' as she might have first thought . After a few more questions she told me I 'd need a room and that they were stacked full but she 'd get me in when she could . I realized I 'd left my work phone at home so Joe went to get it . Vita was in the parade and I wanted to be in contact with them throughout the day . Just after he left , I was invited in , a room had become vacant . I 'd been there , maybe 10 minutes . Once in the room , I had to organize it so there was room for both my chair and the bed . Joe got back , quickly having taken a taxi home and back , and just sat down when a woman came in with an ECG machine ( the thing where they put sticky things around your heart and then attach you to it . It looked like they were doing an experiment on my left boob ) and in a quick and friendly manner explained that she was not my assigned nurse but as my nurse was busy , she thought she 'd help out . That done . Then blood drawn . Then goodbye . Two seconds later I was taken to the xray room where a really young woman , they are getting so very , very young , guided me through the process of getting an xray while in the chair . Back in the room , we quietly read for about ten minutes when the doctor arrives . I have pneumonia . I told you I was sick . He wants to wait for the blood work but as I 'm relatively healthy , he wasn 't worried . He left promising a prescription , a note for work and a thing to take to my doctor . All through that , all through , I was treated like a patient . I was listened to . I was asked questions about my symptoms not my body . I was spoken to with both respect and kindness . One by one my fears were proving , in this case , I 'm not naive , to be groundless . Just before 11 we were out . On the way out I wanted to thank someone , not just for the service but for how it was performed . I wanted them to notice , because good people don 't , that they had been good people . They had treated me with respect . I 've mentioned him to you before , and I 'm sad I can 't remember his name , but just after becoming disabled I was giving a lecture in Glasgow somewhere . I spoke with a man who unlike me had been born with his disability . I asked him for advice , as from a mentor , he said , " Don 't ever get in the habit of being grateful for what other people simply expect . " That has really stayed with me . I see a wisdom behind it . But I failed him as I left the hospital , I did feel grateful . I think everyone remembers a moment , some of us will remember many , when we wished , with all our hearts , that someone , anyone , would have invited us or welcomed us to a seat at their table . Those moments of sheer isolation are searingly painful , when the recognition that you are utterly alone , carries with it blame : ' you 're different , your fault . ' The drive to belong isn 't just a drive to fellowship , it 's also a drive to affirmation - I am likable , lovable , worthy . That 's the slogan or theme of this year 's Pride celebration in Toronto . It 's the first I 've really taken notice of , most of them haven 't had much shelf life in my memory because , for me , they didn 't really have resonance with the life I lived or am living . But this year , when I read the theme , 5 simple words , I felt an immediate connection . So much so that I had to gulp back tears . Oh , my , gosh , words that I longed to hear for years , the invitation that never came in time , oh , my , gosh . On so many levels this is a beautiful theme . It encompasses so much of what we long for as human beings , it counters the messages of rejection we hear too often and it offers embrace in place of rejection . More than that it is the solution to bullying , it is the solution to alienation , it is the solution to intolerance . Offering a place at the table , a voice in the discussion , a welcome into membership is risky business indeed . You can 't offer a space beside you without being willing to create space , just a little more , within your own heart . I admire the theme . I admire the goal . I admire every honourable sentiment behind it . I even admire the fact that it was written without exclamation marks . It 's written to be said , not shouted , spoken , not announced . But I hope for more . I hope that after the march today and the party tonight that people will wake up tomorrow morning and glance over at the tee shirt or shopping bag or sticker and see the ' You can sit with us ! ! ' logo and , perhaps , think about it a little bit . There is a call there to become a welcoming community . There is a quiet urging about the words that should lead to a kind of self examination , are we as proud of our diversity as we are of our difference ? Are these words we would really be willing to say , to someone , with different differences ? I bought a shopping bag with the slogan on it . I wanted to be reminded of my feelings when I first saw the words . I used it shortly after , in a store near where I live , one of the clerks noticed my bag and said , " Well , you 've got the right bag for the weekend . " I agreed that I did , he then stopped , turned , and said to me , " Awfully big words , aren 't they . " " May they one day be true , " I said . He nodded . I don 't know his story , probably never will , but I know one thing . He once , like me , looked for a welcome he didn 't receive . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .
I 'm not sure what it is about the bump that makes it one that is really difficult for me to negotiate . To be sure , I get over these kinds of things in other places , in other doors . But the one here , in the entrance to my own apartment building , it 's just brutal . I 've been lifting weights since February 1st , I can push myself uphill , I can get myself up and over the small bumps that accompany almost every curb , but the threshold of that front door simply doesn 't want to let me in . I 've developed the only technique that works , because that 's what people with disabilities do , we encounter barriers and figure out how to manage them . That technique is to hold the handrails on both of the front doors , tilt my chair to a 45 degree angle , then act all Olympic bobsled rider at the top of the run . Back and forth a couple of time then a huge push through , the chair careens towards the threshold and pops over . Works almost every time , when it doesn 't I almost throw myself out of the chair . Because of that Joe watches me do this with a mixture of humour and horror . Humour because he finds everything funny , horror at the idea of getting me off the floor and back into the chair . We manage , that 's the message here . But we manage when I do this the way I need to do this . I 've written before about the problem I have when people want to hold the door for me and the difficulty I have in getting the door back so I can use it . When they hold the door open , I quite literally , can 't get in . For the most part people in the building have learned to listen to me when I request something , rarely , or ask them , politely , to not help . But couple days ago I found myself in the middle of a kindness fight between two men and one woman all determine to hold the door open for me . One fellow came out , saw me rushed to get the door , before I could stop him another guy came by saying to the first guy , ' I 've got it . ' The both held on a second later a young woman was coming in and reached from behind and said to the two guys , ' you guys go ahead , I 'm on my way in . ' For a second they all just held the door in silence . A kindness competition was going on , and me , sitting under all these arms . In that silence I found opportunity , ' I need the door so I can use the handrail to get in . ' A choir , ' No , it 's OK . ' I looked to Joe who also saw the absurdity of the situation and had started laughing . They glanced at him , and though his laughter he explained how I got through the door , unable to speak most words he mimed them while ha ha ha - ing through the explanation . I looked up at them they looked down at me . Then we all just laughed . They let go of the door , I grabbed the bar , I already had the other one in my hand and I pushed back and forth a couple times and then shot into the lobby to their applause . I was reading an article on the stabbings of disabled people in Japan , an act of domestic terrorism , and a hate crime targeting those of us with disabilities . The article was written by a person with a disability , you could tell that simply because the terms ' hate crime ' and ' domestic terrorism ' were used . I still have not seen those terms used in mainstream media written by a non - disabled person . I DID see an article in the Japan times using the term ' mercy killings . ' So there we have the great divide , those of us in the disability community and those who simply see us , to greater and lesser degrees , as burdens of one kind or another . I read comments here on my blog and on my Facebook page with great interest and curiosity , I like seeing how this community of readers and those with whom we have agreed to call ourselves ' friends ' on Facebook react . In both places , there are wonderful people who discuss , disagree and sometimes debate issues and topics that I raise . But , reading comments in other forums is a very different thing . For example , I posted a video of one of the mother 's who 's son died in the Orlando massacre at the Pulse nightclub as she spoke at the Democratic National Convention . I went to the comments and was shocked at the hate and the vitriol aimed at her . People even claimed that the massacre never actually happened but was staged by the anti - gun people . Mostly the called her the ' B ' word , mostly they accused her of simply being a bad actress paid for the performance . Mostly they assaulted her in any way , using any argument they could . I get very cold when I read these kinds of remarks . The same was true when I read the remarks of a disabled writer writing about a disabled issue and bringing in a disability lens . I was shocked . The attack on the writer was astonishing . Oddly they 'd attack him , verbally victimize him and then challenge him on playing the victim card . Wow . But one of the comments that struck me was the one I opened with . The reader simply didn 't get the situation . The situation , as in the case of the murders in Japan , which was the topic discussed , isn 't disability . The situation is the atmosphere of prejudice , ableism and disphobia in which people live . The situation is the lack of access not only to buildings , to justice and to simple respect , not the disability at all . The ' situation ' that transgender people find themselves in , when confronted by a gang of bigots with weapons on a street , isn 't the fact that the person is transgendered , it 's the fact that there are people with weapons on the street . The present situation is something that we as disabled people experience is something that I 'd dearly like to discuss . But how can that conversation be had with people who think that we , ourselves , are the situation ? How can we speak with people who filter our words through pity and hatred ? How can we be heard above the white noise that our difference and our disability create in the minds of those who believe that the noise is cause by our discordant lives rather than their disgust at our bodies ? " That 's where I had my accident , " she said , pointing to a bus stop , " I got off the bus , took a couple steps and fell straight back . " We , the driver and I , were a little surprised to hear her voice as she had sat quietly while he and I gabbed about disability politics and ableism - he 's really into all that stuff . We then listened to her tell her story of the day she became disabled . She didn 't know that what happened would lead to her using a power wheelchair right off . It took a couple of weeks before the damage that had happened during the fall to become fully evident . She spoke of having to adapt her apartment , make sure that she could shower and do all the bathroom stuff that people do , get used to a new way of getting around . Learning the ropes of navigating the world in a wheelchair . Then quietly , she spoke of how she resisted pressures to give up her home , to move in with relatives , to be taken care of . . . she would not be anyone other than who she was . Some would see her and see fragility and they would be wrong . She had a will of iron and a determination to live her life on her own terms . That 's who she was before , that 's who she was now . 6 ) a man with clearly stated goals of mass murdering people with disabilities , a man who had planned it out , who made it abundantly evident that he had a desire to eradicate disabilities from society , spent 12 days in hospital before being released . ( 12 days ! Less than 2 weeks . I guess mass murder of people with disabilities , clearly stated and planned , isn 't that much of a mental health concern . 12 days ! ) The discussion of and public endorsement of the concept of mercy killing of people with disabilities had taken root in this man with alarming ferocity . No doubt he will be spoken of as someone who has mental health issues , and maybe he does , but when you read what he says , what he says isn 't far from what most people have come to believe . His statement to the police upon turning himself in that ' it 's better that disabled people disappear ' isn 't a deranged rant by someone out of control , it 's a calm statement of fact that echos the sentiment of many in society . People with disabilities know this sentiment , we hear it , we experience it and we have come to fear what it will do . Our lives are devalued , are needs seen as special and therefore burdensome , our rights are declared to be gifts rather than guarantees . A specific , targeted attack aimed at eradicating a group - a mass murder of a group of people because of who they are , and no where does anyone speak of hate . No mention of this as a hate crime against people with disabilities . No . Where . I have not read every paper of course , but in my searches on the Internet the only time that ' hate crime ' has been used to describe this event it 's by a disabled writer on a disability blog or on a Facebook post . The line up for the light was long , we knew it would change over several times before we could make our turn . There was a man , hat out , walking the line of cars , asking for money . I had no change at all and was out of Tims cards , which I usually give out to people who ask for cash , as I made a mental list to pick up some more , Joe was digging in his pockets to find what change he had . When the fellow arrived at our car , Joe said , " This is all the change I 've got , sorry it isn 't more . " He took the change and said , " Listen , man , you don 't owe me anything , I 'm grateful for anything you give . " Joe laughed , as he does , and wished the man a good day . He didn 't leave . He smiled and said , pointing to the line up of cars behind us . " These people in these cars , they don 't owe me anything either , ' then he paused , ' but you know what I wish they understood ? " He paused again , " I wish they understood that anyone of them could end up where I am today , I wish they understood that even if they don 't want to give me money , they could still give me respect . I hate it when people act as if I 'm not there , or as if just looking at me would make them dirty , if they don 't want to give me money , say no , I 'm good with that . Just don 't make it like I don 't exist . " I spoke next , " I use a wheelchair and it 's the same , people either stare at me or they pretend I don 't exist . It 's one of the other . I get just wanting respect . I really do . " He thanked us again , " For the change and for a moment 's break from being just a beggar . ' Yesterday we stopped into the pub for a quick couple of drinks before heading home . I 've written about this place before , for me it represents one of the few places of real welcome out there in the community . Real welcome happens when the place itself is structured to be wheelchair accessible and where the people who are there ensure that any blockage of a passageway because of placement of chairs or other stuff in the aisles are moved and where the locals make way at a crowded bar for a couple of others . I like going here even though we don 't get there as often as I 'd like . We were chatting with two guys , one who had sprained his ankle dancing the night before and one who was talking about a twisted knee , I sat there listening and said , ' I can 't wait for my turn cause I 'm going to win this one without breaking a sweat . ' They suddenly realized what I meant and we all laughed . When my disability is fair game for a joke , I know that I 'm in a good and safe place . Just before we left a nice fellow we 've known for years , Wendy , was getting ready to leave and I saw him make his way over to a walker . We hadn 't seen him for a long time and were surprised to see the walker . Wendy is one of those guys who just never seem much to age and always has had a quick wit and a friendly approach . I never realized until then that I never knew his birth name , he has been nick named Wendy for all the years and years we 've known him and I can 't imagine calling him something like Charles or Henry . He 's neither transexual or into drag , he 's just a guy called Wendy . Anyways , Wendy had a walker . He stopped to chat , as we knew he would , and he told us the story of getting the walker after having a few severe health problems this year . He laughed as he told the story of being in a coma for three weeks and how he collapsed at a New Years party . . . and he made it all quite funny . As for the walker , his transition from walking freely to walking with a walker was made with such a matter - of - factness that I was startled . No complaining or carping about now needing a mobility device , instead he saw it just as simply a means to getting out and getting on with his life . That 's the point of mobility devices , you know . The only point that matters . The free stay free , the captive are let go . I wish people could understand that as easily as Wendy did . . . but then , maybe , in his youth , he spent time with Peter Pan . Life is such an odd thing . Right now , on several different fronts , I 'm going through a really tough time . As such when we drove to Saint Jacobs on Thursday night for a fundraiser for Choices in Fort McMurray on Friday in Kitchener , I felt very little like traveling , staying in a hotel , or getting up to do a lecture . I just wanted to sit in a corner and give up . But , that not being an option , we got to the hotel . Joe went and got a few things we needed while I did what needed done on the computer and then , when he got back , he dragged me out for a walk . I enjoyed the fresh air and that frisson of excitement you get when crossing a busy road with cars that refuse to slow to let you pass , and it was simply nice to get out . Getting up and sitting on the side of the bed , I wondered how I was going to give a lecture , particularly one with some humour in it , when I felt humourless and washed out and just tired from life . But the clock ticks and you have to get to it . So , I did . Soon we were in the car and then at the venue . The moment we went in and joined in the buzz of excitement from the team from KW Habilitation who were putting on the fundraiser , things began to change . We watched the bake table get set up , Joe snatched a strawberry and rhubarb pie right off , we met the a fellow with an intellectual disability who was going to be selling 50 / 50 tickets and he was into sales from the get go , we saw the preparations for the lunch that was going to be on sale . We talked with people about what the fundraiser was about and why it was important . For those who don 't know Vita organized a ( we hope ) province wide fundraiser for Choices Association for Community Living in Fort McMurray . We called them to see how the wildfire had affected people with intellectual disability in Fort McMurray given the devastation to the town . What we heard was distressing and we received permission to go ahead and attempt a big fundraiser along with other service organizations serving people with disabilities across the province . Communities Support Communities , we called it - and this was part of that initiative . By the time I was to start I had picked up from the mood of the room , from the determination to help others , from the general excitement that comes from an audience that 's at a lecture on a Friday for a good cause . For the whole day I was away from cares and concerns and worries . It was a wonderful break . I don 't get tired of it . I 've had the power chair for many years now and I don 't get tired of the independence it gives me , the way it allows me to make a contribution to my life with Joe . We had arrived home and were expecting company in just under an hour . I had to run up to the bank and Joe needed to unload the car . I hopped in my chair , came down the elevator with him and then while he headed to the car , I headed to the bank . We are together a lot . Even so , I still love these moments where it 's just me doing what needs to get done . I went to the bank , bought a lottery ticket , and then headed home . I decided to come along the north side of Bloor Street to avoid the construction constriction of narrow passageways on the south side . I regretted it almost immediately . I was like a tiny little boat going west as a tidal wave of young teens came east . There were hundreds of them . All packed together , leaving very little space for anyone else on the sidewalk . There was nothing to do but go forward . I 'm not fond of being surrounded by kids this age , I have uncomfortable memories of being that age that I don 't think I need to explain . Anyway , I headed on . An odd thing happened . Three times . I was noticed by a small group , and they immediately started the pointing and the taunting . IMMEDIATELY . I tried to maintain dignity and keep going . But , only seconds later someone near them , someone their age , a peer , turned and told them to shut up . The voice was stern , not angry , and firm , not emotional . It was just a statement . SHUT UP . The voice carried authority . I looked at the young woman that spoke and she was pretty and petite and powerful . Her voice brooked no opposition and they silence . One even mouthed to me , ' Sorry . ' Then it happened again . Another group started and another voice , male this time , spoke up . ' That 's not cool , stop it , ' he said . Again , a voice of authority . A voice that said , ' I mean this . ' And , amazingly , they did . They did stop . I looked at him , again , a handsome fellow , athletic looking , I nodded a thanks that he brushed away . And then it happened one last time . They were almost by . I 'm not kidding hundreds . A young woman made a fat joke to the girl she was with , I heard it . I won 't repeat it . The girl who spoke was as shocked as I when her friend turned to her and said , ' Why are you being mean ? No need . No need . ' I don 't know who they were , where they were from , what brought them together . But I do know that there are some parents , or teachers , or mentors that should be really , really proud of the work they 've done . I also know that there are some very cool teens who have discovered a way to break the code of silent acceptance of casual cruelty . Joe pulled into the parking spot and I climbed out of the car as he unloaded the wheelchair . He had to gather some stuff in a bag so I headed on to the nearest mall door . Being able to push up a slight slope over a bit of distance has really freed me to get about my business while Joe is doing what he needs to do . I got up the curb cut and was heading to the door . There were two sliding doors so I chose to enter the one closest to my approach . I noticed as the door opened that there was a fellow with cerebral palsy walking along the sidewalk towards where I was entering . I nodded . He nodded . In I went . I had just gone through when I was faced with another set of doors . Before I could register where would be easiest to get through , the door behind me opened and a voice said , " go to the door on your left , it 's hard to tell , but it 's automatic . " I turned , and thanked him . He smiled . " We 've got to have each other 's backs , " he said . I agreed . It 's tempting to say something like ' such a small thing can make such a big difference . ' And , in fact , that was my first thought about the whole thing . But , I realized , when I thought about it , that it wasn 't small at all . In fact , I think we make things like this ' little ' . . . like a ' little act of kindness ' or a ' small gesture of welcome ' . . . when they aren 't little or small at all . Thoughtfulness isn 't natural and it 's always intentional . People may say otherwise , but I don 't believe it to be true , I believe people need to see where their actions could make a difference and then after noting it they have to act on it , that , in and of itself , is astonishing . People may brush aside their actions by saying ' anyone would have done it , when in reality , very few would have . However you want to frame it , he affected my day , my evening and my next morning . I can still hear his voice in my mind . It 's a big deal . At our beach picnic on Saturday , we had some issues with accessibility . All of which I kept my mouth shut about . We were out with Ruby and Sadie and they know well enough about access and access issues , sometimes I want it to be just fun . The problem we had was that the benches alongside the boardwalk weren 't attached right to the boardwalk . Some of them were , all taken , but most were set off to the side . So there was no access from the boardwalk to the bench . I began worrying that we 'd have no where to sit . But then I noticed , way up ahead , a spot where there was a connecting path between the boardwalk and the bike trail . I zoomed up , rode down to the bike trail and then approached a bench from behind . I got us landed . Now there was this huge barrier between me and the beach itself . I hadn 't planned on going on the beach , sand and wheelchairs along with my weight do not for a good roll make . But the barrier was glaring and made me feel like I was sitting much lower than the boardwalk and looking over it , because , well , that 's what it was . But I kept ; my mouth shut . We were here to have fun and , in fact , I was having fun . So were the kids they were in and out of that cold Lake Ontario water getting closer and closer to jumping in each time . They both made it right under the water and then ran pell mell up onto the hot sand and plopped on it , soaking up it 's warmth . They loved the contrast between the cold water and the warm sand . At one point Ruby ran up to the boardwalk , crossed over and jumped down to where I was . She was full of stories about how cold the water was and how hot the sand was . I listened to her tell the story while she was covered head to toe in sand and not minding it one bit . Then she said , ' I have an idea . ' I watched her run back to the beach grab the sand bucket and run to the water . She scooped up the water and ran back to where I was , jumping down and sloshing water everywhere . ' Put your hand in the water , ' she commanded . I complied and remarked that it was indeed really cold . She was gone again . This time she just crossed over the boardwalk and then dumped the water and found a spot and scooped sand into the bucket . Back she came , jumping down to me and holding out the bucket , and said , ' Put your hand in the sand . ' I did and felt the warmth . We were having an amazing day . We 'd been the the beach and had a picnic . As always we brought both chairs , the power chair and the manual , which was used to haul stuff and to give me seating options . When we arrived there wasn 't a picnic table available we pulled up to a bench , I transferred into the manual , we lifted the arms on the power chair , put the table cloth over the seat and voila . It was great . Sadie spotted the ice cream truck just before the bus was to arrive to pick us up so I asked her if she could wait til we got home and then we 'd go out for ice cream . She agreed just as she spotted the bus turning in to pick us up . Our ride home was fun , the whole day had been lovely . Once home and showered , sadly there 's less of a beach left for other people because a couple of buckets of sand washed itself down through our bathtub drain , we left to get ice cream . I held the table on an outdoor patio a couple blocks from our home . It 's my favourite patio for having tea and people watching and I smiled as I watched them cross over to me , hands full of cones and sundaes . Joe then headed in to get us each a tea and the seconds later was back . Everyone was in a brilliant mood , Ruby and Sadie were at their best , sharp , funny and inventive in their story telling of the day . We played a game to see who could give the meanest look that had us all howling . It was awesome . An elderly woman had come out and sat at a table furthest from us . She was clearly in a cranky mood and looked over at us and the kids with annoyance . Let 's face it , this is Yonge Street , right down town , it 's not a fancy table at a tea shoppe in a meadow in Wales . It 's noisy . And we were noisy . We laughed a lot . At one point , after several really nasty looks , she 'd have won the contest , hands down , I 'd had enough of her sighs and her cursing under her breath . I looked at her , and said , " Oh , come on ! " That 's all . I wanted to know that she 'd been seen and that , really , she 's upset about kids laughing ? Kids should be laughing all the time . Childhood should be full of laughter . I was laughing . I should be laughing more . Joe was laughing , his life needs more of that stuff too . We were all getting a lot of oxygen and exercising our senses of humour . The interesting thing was , as soon as I said what I said , her face changed . She stopped . She looked over and saw the girls curled up in laughter as Joe was trying to make a mean face , which he was hysterically bad at , and her face softened . It was like she connected the noise , which was irritating her , with the source . He whole body seemed to just relax . I caught her a couple of times smiling when the girls said something funny . Like Sadie 's dramatic announcement that 's she 's having a really , really , bad day and that we had to treat her nice with extra ice cream . And Ruby 's commentary on the actions of the security guard . I 've never had that kind of encounter before . I expected her to become more hostile or to turn her chair completely away . Even so , I wanted to let her know that her actions were completely out of proportion to what was going on . But it was like throwing cold water on an unnecessary fire . She just , suddenly , became a nice old woman . As a question from a stranger , it 's way too personal . But as it was a conversation that I just fell into and as we were both talking about general health and wellbeing , it didn 't seem out of place , or out of context , so I answered that I did indeed have diabetes . I am no longer insulin dependant , because of the diet and exercise program I 've had myself on for several months , but yes , I have diabetes . Everyone has a story about diabetes , it seems . And every one of those stories is a horror storry . She , my conversation partner , launched into a very detailed story about her sister in law who has diabetes and stubbed her toe . I have heard , when telling someone about having diabetes , about lost digits , lost limbs , lost mobility , lost lives . Yikes and double yikes , it 's like every story I hear is about this Boom Boom Boom tragedy that lurking around the corner waiting to strike me . And , I kinda know that might be true , but I don 't need to hear it every single time I mention that I 've got ' the sugar ' . In fact , when I was telling a group of friends about this experience and complaining about always being told a tragic story when mentioning the diagnosis , one of my friends jumped in with a tragic story about someone losing a leg . Right . Yea . Glad you were listening . All the disabled parking was taken . There were virtually no other cars in the parking lot , but the 10 disabled bays were jam packed full . So Joe let me off at the front of the building and went to park further away . I turned my chair , I was in my manual , and considered the ramp . It was long , so long that they 'd put a four foot flat space about 2 / 3 the way up , a place to stop and rest . It was steep , really steep , I 'm sure it was legal , but I 'm also sure that mountain goats would have rested comfortably on the slope . I rolled over to the bottom of it and looked up . Way up . I knew I had time because Joe was parking , as I said , a fair distance away . I 've been lifting weights , I am noticably stronger , but this was a big ramp . Suddenly I knew I had to try . I started . Steep ramp , long ramp , fat guy in a wheelchair , those three things combined suddenly to make it really hard work . I 'd gotten about half way up the first incline when I just knew I couldn 't do it . But if I let go I 'd go flying backwards down the ramp . Unpleasant images formed in my brain and I knew that option was out . I pressed on and made the rest spot . This is good enough . I 've proved my point . I 'm much stronger than I thought I was . But the top was so close , I 'd rested , I looked and still no sign of Joe . I edged to the edge and then pushed . This was the steepest part of the ramp . I 'm quite high up now . the ramp makes up for about a dozen stairsteps to the ground . I pushed and was now midway up that part of the ramp . Joe sees me and reacts with shock to where I am on the ramp , which is only a few feet from the top . He comes up behind me , he knows better than to simply grab and help . He waited . My arms were straining and I was really tired . Yep , I asked for help . Especially when ' not possible ' is the starting point . I think we forget that when we are working towards a goal . I think we consider failure as our ' go to ' definition of how we are doing when we don 't quite make a goal on an attempt . For me , failure would have been the lack of trying . I not only tried , I got almost to the top . Next time , the top , or if not the top , closer . I feel great . I 've learned to change the definition of success . And because of that , I 'm so much happier and so much more likely to continue on . This morning I added 7 minutes extra into my exercise routine using a higher weight than I 'm comfortable lifting . It 's just 7 minutes , but I know I need to get even stronger and I can see the top of the ramp . I need a bit more strength . So for now 7 minutes more of a weight that I struggle with . For you direct support professionals reading this . Remember if you are working towards a goal with an individual reward effort over accomplisment . It 's a fundamental when teaching someone , it 's the trying that gets to the succeeding so it 's the trying that needs the reinforcment and acknowledgement . Succeeding is its own reward . On Sunday we went to the museum with Ruby and Sadie to see the Chihuly exhibit , which was astonishing . To hear children gasp at the sight of something incredibly beautiful and fantastical and then watch their imaginations burst on fire is part of why we try to get the kids to shows like these . To be fair , it wasn 't just the kids in the room that were reacting to the exhibit with awe and , often , stunned silence . One of the best shows we 've see there . Afterwards the kids wanted to go for a bite in the ' eatateria ' as Sadie calls it . As we were there and as we had time we asked if the kids wanted to go anywhere else in the museum . We 're a lucky group because all of us love the place , and when they both said that they wanted to stay and both had galleries they wanted to go and visit , we filled our afternoon there . Finally we decided to go up and visit the bees and go through the bat cave again . There was a volunteer there who chatted with the girls about the bees and answered their questions in such a way that encouraged more questions , a rare talent . So I fell back a bit to give the girls their space and to get myself out of the way of the traffic of parents and kids going through the area . So Joe was sitting on the ledge over by the kids , the kids were at the bee hive and I was off to one side . I can see how I might have looked as if I was on my own . As such , when someone approached me with that assumption I wasn 't surprised . Then I realized they were a little suspicious of me being there . I responded by saying that I was with the girls who were looking at the bees . I thought by now , I 'd be at the point of my life where there 's be a kind of ' grizzled wisdom ' that comes with age . Where I 'd be letting pearls of enlightenment fall from my lips . Where I 'd smile knowingly at those younger than myself and gently guide them along . " We need a green pepper , " Joe said as we headed home . We agreed that he 'd run into the little local grocery store across the street from where we live . I can go in there but I never do , it 's just accessible enough to be called accessible but the size of the store makes it such that it takes work and the cooperation of others in order to get around . I wait outside . So as we near the store , Joe veers off and I head to a small outdoor plaza area . Just as I go up the ramp to the plaza I make a turn to my right . Doing this I cross right into the path of the man coming behind me that I didn 't notice . It startled me when I saw him and realized that I 'd cut him off , I said automatically , " Sorry . " He , though he 'd been cut off , also said , automatically , " Sorry . " When he did this I made the remark , more to myself than him , " We 're so Canadian . " It 's probably a myth that Canadian 's are a really polite people , but we are a people that readily apologizes . I once heard two fight attendants joking as they were walking to their gate , " Let 's go through Air Canada 's gate and bump into people , they 'll all apologize to us . " And it 's true that 's what we do . So that was the context under which I made my remark . It turned out that he was a recent immigrant to Canada from Syria , he was Muslim , and he had been feeling that he wasn 't adapting to the Canadian culture . Our little interaction was the first time he 'd been called a Canadian , spontaneously , by another person . " I thought that the only thing that people could see when they looked at me was . . . " He never finished , he was overcome . From their web page I discovered almost everything I needed to know . They had a diverse menu , complete with both vegetarian and vegan offerings . They were located right near where we were going to meet our friend . They had really good reviews . I looked , found their phone number and called them . A friendly voice answered the phone . I asked them if their restaurant was wheelchair accessible . " Yes , we are ! " she stated with some excitedment . Then I was told about the flat entrance and the fully accessible washroom . " We are quite proud of the access we provide , " she said . I never know what to say when someone says that they are ' proud ' of being accessible . At an earlier stage of my life with a disability I would have said something like , " and you should be ! " I don 't say that any more . I guess because I think accessibility should be a given not a gift . But , since she was in such a good mood about it all , I thought I 'd press the point . " Well , you aren 't completely accessible , " I said . She rushed to assure me that they were . " The thing is , " I explained , " If you were fully accessible , I wouldn 't be talking to you at all . I went to your web site , like any other customer , checked out your menu , like any other customer , and now I have to call you , unlike other customers , because you have no information about your accessibility on your website . There is still an extra step in the process for disabled people . If you want to be absolutely , fully accessible , you need to remove that last step . " Then , after that frozen pause , " OK , I 've noted it down . I 'll give that to the owners . " Then I felt really bad , like I 'd taken the wind out of her sails about the accessibility of the place . She sounded defeated . I thought I was being an advocate but I was being a bit of an asshole . See it 's this personal bugaboo of mine , I believe that it should be manditory that restaurants and bars have an accessiblity notice on their websites . I once spent an hour in Baltimore calling restaurants trying to find one that had vegetarian options and was wheelchair accessible . It pisses me off . I don 't think I should have to call . I think they should just tell you on their site . I had brought all of that into a conversation with someone who was excited about the fact that the restaurant she worked in was accessible . In fact , I didn 't recognize him at first as he ran over towards us . We had passed a patio that he was sitting on and barely heard him when our names were called . We turned and watched him approach . I asked Joe quietly , " Do you know who this is ? " Joe answered in a whisper , " No . " We took his warm greeting and after a couple of seconds I knew exactly who he was . I used his name in a sentence so that Joe would catch the drift as well . But even as I said his name I could see Joe had remembered . We 're going back to when we first moved to Toronto , late 70 's , that 's a long , long way back . He 'd been a bartender in a bar that we used to go to all the time . It was a different era and you had to go down an alley and then down dark back stairs to get to it . I always felt safe going in , we could see the alley plainly , but no matter how drunk we were , I left wary . Opening a door onto an alley when you are a hated minority is never an easy thing to do . We were very lucky to never have been assaulted there , others were less lucky . Safety should never be a matter of luck . It was nice chatting with him , he 's still way younger than us , by 11 years . Those 11 years don 't show now as much as they did then . He seemed like such a kid back then . We 're all pretty seasoned now . As our chat grew to a close he said that he 'd recognized us immediately because " Neither of you has changed a bit . " I didn 't want to make further issue of it so I let it drop . We continued on and then it was time to part and we all agreed it was nice to see each other and catch up . And it was . Why is it polite , or nice , to erase a big part of my life . I have changed , yes . I have a disability now . It 's OK , it 's just change . It 's just different . It isn 't shameful . It isn 't like a new piece of me that has to move back into the closet . For heaven 's sake , I 'm out about being gay and I 'm out because I 'm in a wheelchair . It probably sounds like carping over something trivial , but to me it isn 't . I don 't like even a brush with shame , had enough of that in my younger years . That stuff stinks . Cradled in her father 's arms she was brought over to where she had pointed . She had directed , father willingly followed . Joe and I were on a patio watching the activity around us . It was then we saw father and daughter making their way over to a big black box , but don 't be deceived , the box produced bubbles by the thousands . They flew out and up and then every which way . Several had made their way over to us , we both , taking one of life 's opportunities to be kids again , tried to catch them . She took catching bubbles quite seriously for a moment , looking surprised when they 'd pop in her hand . One of them brushed her cheek and she startled . She was fresh out of babyhood and to her this was simply wonder . And then . Then . She laughed . Father and daughter stayed for a few minutes more , then he kissed her , helped her grab a bubble or two more , and then headed off . She looked back over his shoulder , at the bubbles , and waved . I don 't know where they were going , or rather , I don 't know where she was going , this tiny little girl with Down Syndrome , but I knew , with certainty where she wasn 't . I knew that while she would have battles to fight , she would fight on firm ground . Ground already won . The school - won . The playground - won . The community - won . She 'd fight her battles but far , far , far from the starting line . Those of us who work or have worked in the community living movement made it possible for a little girl 's life to begin , differently . Every parent who cried bitterly after a fight with the school board . Every staff who listened carefully and then supported someone with a disability to do something magical . Every single person who volunteered , who gave time , who welcomed in , made it possible . Sometimes when I 'm tired I wonder if it mattered . The work I 've done . The work we 've done . Then , at moments like these , watching a little girl , safe in her father 's arms reach out to play with bubbles , I know . Deeply know . That it matters . Yesterday , I simply couldn 't take it any more . The night had been hell , the day didn 't seem to promise better . I woke Joe up and said , " I have to go to the hospital . " I had developed a small cough on Tuesday of last week which had gotten worse , day by day . I 'm not someone who runs to the doctor , or anywhere really , I figured it was just a summer cold . But when I got up from that night , I knew I was really sick . We got ourselves together and entered the hospital at 8 : 30 AM . I was sick , and scared . I absolutely trust my doctor , he 's proven himself over and over and over again to be a smart , kind and compassionate man . I feel safe going to his office . I don 't feel safe going into a hospital in a vulnerable state to be dealt with by strangers . My weight and my disability bring forth prejudices in all sorts of places , but , my oh my , have I had my share of a medical system that can 't hear my symptoms because they 've already determined them . We see the triage nurse first . She is a bit surprising . She asks me questions about my cough , in response to the question , ' have you been out of the country ' I answered , ' yes , ' she looked up concerned , ' where ? ' I said , ' Pennsylvania ' a small smile told me that this wasn 't as ' out of the country ' as she might have first thought . After a few more questions she told me I 'd need a room and that they were stacked full but she 'd get me in when she could . I realized I 'd left my work phone at home so Joe went to get it . Vita was in the parade and I wanted to be in contact with them throughout the day . Just after he left , I was invited in , a room had become vacant . I 'd been there , maybe 10 minutes . Once in the room , I had to organize it so there was room for both my chair and the bed . Joe got back , quickly having taken a taxi home and back , and just sat down when a woman came in with an ECG machine ( the thing where they put sticky things around your heart and then attach you to it . It looked like they were doing an experiment on my left boob ) and in a quick and friendly manner explained that she was not my assigned nurse but as my nurse was busy , she thought she 'd help out . That done . Then blood drawn . Then goodbye . Two seconds later I was taken to the xray room where a really young woman , they are getting so very , very young , guided me through the process of getting an xray while in the chair . Back in the room , we quietly read for about ten minutes when the doctor arrives . I have pneumonia . I told you I was sick . He wants to wait for the blood work but as I 'm relatively healthy , he wasn 't worried . He left promising a prescription , a note for work and a thing to take to my doctor . All through that , all through , I was treated like a patient . I was listened to . I was asked questions about my symptoms not my body . I was spoken to with both respect and kindness . One by one my fears were proving , in this case , I 'm not naive , to be groundless . Just before 11 we were out . On the way out I wanted to thank someone , not just for the service but for how it was performed . I wanted them to notice , because good people don 't , that they had been good people . They had treated me with respect . I 've mentioned him to you before , and I 'm sad I can 't remember his name , but just after becoming disabled I was giving a lecture in Glasgow somewhere . I spoke with a man who unlike me had been born with his disability . I asked him for advice , as from a mentor , he said , " Don 't ever get in the habit of being grateful for what other people simply expect . " That has really stayed with me . I see a wisdom behind it . But I failed him as I left the hospital , I did feel grateful . I think everyone remembers a moment , some of us will remember many , when we wished , with all our hearts , that someone , anyone , would have invited us or welcomed us to a seat at their table . Those moments of sheer isolation are searingly painful , when the recognition that you are utterly alone , carries with it blame : ' you 're different , your fault . ' The drive to belong isn 't just a drive to fellowship , it 's also a drive to affirmation - I am likable , lovable , worthy . That 's the slogan or theme of this year 's Pride celebration in Toronto . It 's the first I 've really taken notice of , most of them haven 't had much shelf life in my memory because , for me , they didn 't really have resonance with the life I lived or am living . But this year , when I read the theme , 5 simple words , I felt an immediate connection . So much so that I had to gulp back tears . Oh , my , gosh , words that I longed to hear for years , the invitation that never came in time , oh , my , gosh . On so many levels this is a beautiful theme . It encompasses so much of what we long for as human beings , it counters the messages of rejection we hear too often and it offers embrace in place of rejection . More than that it is the solution to bullying , it is the solution to alienation , it is the solution to intolerance . Offering a place at the table , a voice in the discussion , a welcome into membership is risky business indeed . You can 't offer a space beside you without being willing to create space , just a little more , within your own heart . I admire the theme . I admire the goal . I admire every honourable sentiment behind it . I even admire the fact that it was written without exclamation marks . It 's written to be said , not shouted , spoken , not announced . But I hope for more . I hope that after the march today and the party tonight that people will wake up tomorrow morning and glance over at the tee shirt or shopping bag or sticker and see the ' You can sit with us ! ! ' logo and , perhaps , think about it a little bit . There is a call there to become a welcoming community . There is a quiet urging about the words that should lead to a kind of self examination , are we as proud of our diversity as we are of our difference ? Are these words we would really be willing to say , to someone , with different differences ? I bought a shopping bag with the slogan on it . I wanted to be reminded of my feelings when I first saw the words . I used it shortly after , in a store near where I live , one of the clerks noticed my bag and said , " Well , you 've got the right bag for the weekend . " I agreed that I did , he then stopped , turned , and said to me , " Awfully big words , aren 't they . " " May they one day be true , " I said . He nodded . I don 't know his story , probably never will , but I know one thing . He once , like me , looked for a welcome he didn 't receive . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .
I 'm not sure what it is about the bump that makes it one that is really difficult for me to negotiate . To be sure , I get over these kinds of things in other places , in other doors . But the one here , in the entrance to my own apartment building , it 's just brutal . I 've been lifting weights since February 1st , I can push myself uphill , I can get myself up and over the small bumps that accompany almost every curb , but the threshold of that front door simply doesn 't want to let me in . I 've developed the only technique that works , because that 's what people with disabilities do , we encounter barriers and figure out how to manage them . That technique is to hold the handrails on both of the front doors , tilt my chair to a 45 degree angle , then act all Olympic bobsled rider at the top of the run . Back and forth a couple of time then a huge push through , the chair careens towards the threshold and pops over . Works almost every time , when it doesn 't I almost throw myself out of the chair . Because of that Joe watches me do this with a mixture of humour and horror . Humour because he finds everything funny , horror at the idea of getting me off the floor and back into the chair . We manage , that 's the message here . But we manage when I do this the way I need to do this . I 've written before about the problem I have when people want to hold the door for me and the difficulty I have in getting the door back so I can use it . When they hold the door open , I quite literally , can 't get in . For the most part people in the building have learned to listen to me when I request something , rarely , or ask them , politely , to not help . But couple days ago I found myself in the middle of a kindness fight between two men and one woman all determine to hold the door open for me . One fellow came out , saw me rushed to get the door , before I could stop him another guy came by saying to the first guy , ' I 've got it . ' The both held on a second later a young woman was coming in and reached from behind and said to the two guys , ' you guys go ahead , I 'm on my way in . ' For a second they all just held the door in silence . A kindness competition was going on , and me , sitting under all these arms . In that silence I found opportunity , ' I need the door so I can use the handrail to get in . ' A choir , ' No , it 's OK . ' I looked to Joe who also saw the absurdity of the situation and had started laughing . They glanced at him , and though his laughter he explained how I got through the door , unable to speak most words he mimed them while ha ha ha - ing through the explanation . I looked up at them they looked down at me . Then we all just laughed . They let go of the door , I grabbed the bar , I already had the other one in my hand and I pushed back and forth a couple times and then shot into the lobby to their applause . I was reading an article on the stabbings of disabled people in Japan , an act of domestic terrorism , and a hate crime targeting those of us with disabilities . The article was written by a person with a disability , you could tell that simply because the terms ' hate crime ' and ' domestic terrorism ' were used . I still have not seen those terms used in mainstream media written by a non - disabled person . I DID see an article in the Japan times using the term ' mercy killings . ' So there we have the great divide , those of us in the disability community and those who simply see us , to greater and lesser degrees , as burdens of one kind or another . I read comments here on my blog and on my Facebook page with great interest and curiosity , I like seeing how this community of readers and those with whom we have agreed to call ourselves ' friends ' on Facebook react . In both places , there are wonderful people who discuss , disagree and sometimes debate issues and topics that I raise . But , reading comments in other forums is a very different thing . For example , I posted a video of one of the mother 's who 's son died in the Orlando massacre at the Pulse nightclub as she spoke at the Democratic National Convention . I went to the comments and was shocked at the hate and the vitriol aimed at her . People even claimed that the massacre never actually happened but was staged by the anti - gun people . Mostly the called her the ' B ' word , mostly they accused her of simply being a bad actress paid for the performance . Mostly they assaulted her in any way , using any argument they could . I get very cold when I read these kinds of remarks . The same was true when I read the remarks of a disabled writer writing about a disabled issue and bringing in a disability lens . I was shocked . The attack on the writer was astonishing . Oddly they 'd attack him , verbally victimize him and then challenge him on playing the victim card . Wow . But one of the comments that struck me was the one I opened with . The reader simply didn 't get the situation . The situation , as in the case of the murders in Japan , which was the topic discussed , isn 't disability . The situation is the atmosphere of prejudice , ableism and disphobia in which people live . The situation is the lack of access not only to buildings , to justice and to simple respect , not the disability at all . The ' situation ' that transgender people find themselves in , when confronted by a gang of bigots with weapons on a street , isn 't the fact that the person is transgendered , it 's the fact that there are people with weapons on the street . The present situation is something that we as disabled people experience is something that I 'd dearly like to discuss . But how can that conversation be had with people who think that we , ourselves , are the situation ? How can we speak with people who filter our words through pity and hatred ? How can we be heard above the white noise that our difference and our disability create in the minds of those who believe that the noise is cause by our discordant lives rather than their disgust at our bodies ? " That 's where I had my accident , " she said , pointing to a bus stop , " I got off the bus , took a couple steps and fell straight back . " We , the driver and I , were a little surprised to hear her voice as she had sat quietly while he and I gabbed about disability politics and ableism - he 's really into all that stuff . We then listened to her tell her story of the day she became disabled . She didn 't know that what happened would lead to her using a power wheelchair right off . It took a couple of weeks before the damage that had happened during the fall to become fully evident . She spoke of having to adapt her apartment , make sure that she could shower and do all the bathroom stuff that people do , get used to a new way of getting around . Learning the ropes of navigating the world in a wheelchair . Then quietly , she spoke of how she resisted pressures to give up her home , to move in with relatives , to be taken care of . . . she would not be anyone other than who she was . Some would see her and see fragility and they would be wrong . She had a will of iron and a determination to live her life on her own terms . That 's who she was before , that 's who she was now . 6 ) a man with clearly stated goals of mass murdering people with disabilities , a man who had planned it out , who made it abundantly evident that he had a desire to eradicate disabilities from society , spent 12 days in hospital before being released . ( 12 days ! Less than 2 weeks . I guess mass murder of people with disabilities , clearly stated and planned , isn 't that much of a mental health concern . 12 days ! ) The discussion of and public endorsement of the concept of mercy killing of people with disabilities had taken root in this man with alarming ferocity . No doubt he will be spoken of as someone who has mental health issues , and maybe he does , but when you read what he says , what he says isn 't far from what most people have come to believe . His statement to the police upon turning himself in that ' it 's better that disabled people disappear ' isn 't a deranged rant by someone out of control , it 's a calm statement of fact that echos the sentiment of many in society . People with disabilities know this sentiment , we hear it , we experience it and we have come to fear what it will do . Our lives are devalued , are needs seen as special and therefore burdensome , our rights are declared to be gifts rather than guarantees . A specific , targeted attack aimed at eradicating a group - a mass murder of a group of people because of who they are , and no where does anyone speak of hate . No mention of this as a hate crime against people with disabilities . No . Where . I have not read every paper of course , but in my searches on the Internet the only time that ' hate crime ' has been used to describe this event it 's by a disabled writer on a disability blog or on a Facebook post . The line up for the light was long , we knew it would change over several times before we could make our turn . There was a man , hat out , walking the line of cars , asking for money . I had no change at all and was out of Tims cards , which I usually give out to people who ask for cash , as I made a mental list to pick up some more , Joe was digging in his pockets to find what change he had . When the fellow arrived at our car , Joe said , " This is all the change I 've got , sorry it isn 't more . " He took the change and said , " Listen , man , you don 't owe me anything , I 'm grateful for anything you give . " Joe laughed , as he does , and wished the man a good day . He didn 't leave . He smiled and said , pointing to the line up of cars behind us . " These people in these cars , they don 't owe me anything either , ' then he paused , ' but you know what I wish they understood ? " He paused again , " I wish they understood that anyone of them could end up where I am today , I wish they understood that even if they don 't want to give me money , they could still give me respect . I hate it when people act as if I 'm not there , or as if just looking at me would make them dirty , if they don 't want to give me money , say no , I 'm good with that . Just don 't make it like I don 't exist . " I spoke next , " I use a wheelchair and it 's the same , people either stare at me or they pretend I don 't exist . It 's one of the other . I get just wanting respect . I really do . " He thanked us again , " For the change and for a moment 's break from being just a beggar . ' Yesterday we stopped into the pub for a quick couple of drinks before heading home . I 've written about this place before , for me it represents one of the few places of real welcome out there in the community . Real welcome happens when the place itself is structured to be wheelchair accessible and where the people who are there ensure that any blockage of a passageway because of placement of chairs or other stuff in the aisles are moved and where the locals make way at a crowded bar for a couple of others . I like going here even though we don 't get there as often as I 'd like . We were chatting with two guys , one who had sprained his ankle dancing the night before and one who was talking about a twisted knee , I sat there listening and said , ' I can 't wait for my turn cause I 'm going to win this one without breaking a sweat . ' They suddenly realized what I meant and we all laughed . When my disability is fair game for a joke , I know that I 'm in a good and safe place . Just before we left a nice fellow we 've known for years , Wendy , was getting ready to leave and I saw him make his way over to a walker . We hadn 't seen him for a long time and were surprised to see the walker . Wendy is one of those guys who just never seem much to age and always has had a quick wit and a friendly approach . I never realized until then that I never knew his birth name , he has been nick named Wendy for all the years and years we 've known him and I can 't imagine calling him something like Charles or Henry . He 's neither transexual or into drag , he 's just a guy called Wendy . Anyways , Wendy had a walker . He stopped to chat , as we knew he would , and he told us the story of getting the walker after having a few severe health problems this year . He laughed as he told the story of being in a coma for three weeks and how he collapsed at a New Years party . . . and he made it all quite funny . As for the walker , his transition from walking freely to walking with a walker was made with such a matter - of - factness that I was startled . No complaining or carping about now needing a mobility device , instead he saw it just as simply a means to getting out and getting on with his life . That 's the point of mobility devices , you know . The only point that matters . The free stay free , the captive are let go . I wish people could understand that as easily as Wendy did . . . but then , maybe , in his youth , he spent time with Peter Pan . Life is such an odd thing . Right now , on several different fronts , I 'm going through a really tough time . As such when we drove to Saint Jacobs on Thursday night for a fundraiser for Choices in Fort McMurray on Friday in Kitchener , I felt very little like traveling , staying in a hotel , or getting up to do a lecture . I just wanted to sit in a corner and give up . But , that not being an option , we got to the hotel . Joe went and got a few things we needed while I did what needed done on the computer and then , when he got back , he dragged me out for a walk . I enjoyed the fresh air and that frisson of excitement you get when crossing a busy road with cars that refuse to slow to let you pass , and it was simply nice to get out . Getting up and sitting on the side of the bed , I wondered how I was going to give a lecture , particularly one with some humour in it , when I felt humourless and washed out and just tired from life . But the clock ticks and you have to get to it . So , I did . Soon we were in the car and then at the venue . The moment we went in and joined in the buzz of excitement from the team from KW Habilitation who were putting on the fundraiser , things began to change . We watched the bake table get set up , Joe snatched a strawberry and rhubarb pie right off , we met the a fellow with an intellectual disability who was going to be selling 50 / 50 tickets and he was into sales from the get go , we saw the preparations for the lunch that was going to be on sale . We talked with people about what the fundraiser was about and why it was important . For those who don 't know Vita organized a ( we hope ) province wide fundraiser for Choices Association for Community Living in Fort McMurray . We called them to see how the wildfire had affected people with intellectual disability in Fort McMurray given the devastation to the town . What we heard was distressing and we received permission to go ahead and attempt a big fundraiser along with other service organizations serving people with disabilities across the province . Communities Support Communities , we called it - and this was part of that initiative . By the time I was to start I had picked up from the mood of the room , from the determination to help others , from the general excitement that comes from an audience that 's at a lecture on a Friday for a good cause . For the whole day I was away from cares and concerns and worries . It was a wonderful break . I don 't get tired of it . I 've had the power chair for many years now and I don 't get tired of the independence it gives me , the way it allows me to make a contribution to my life with Joe . We had arrived home and were expecting company in just under an hour . I had to run up to the bank and Joe needed to unload the car . I hopped in my chair , came down the elevator with him and then while he headed to the car , I headed to the bank . We are together a lot . Even so , I still love these moments where it 's just me doing what needs to get done . I went to the bank , bought a lottery ticket , and then headed home . I decided to come along the north side of Bloor Street to avoid the construction constriction of narrow passageways on the south side . I regretted it almost immediately . I was like a tiny little boat going west as a tidal wave of young teens came east . There were hundreds of them . All packed together , leaving very little space for anyone else on the sidewalk . There was nothing to do but go forward . I 'm not fond of being surrounded by kids this age , I have uncomfortable memories of being that age that I don 't think I need to explain . Anyway , I headed on . An odd thing happened . Three times . I was noticed by a small group , and they immediately started the pointing and the taunting . IMMEDIATELY . I tried to maintain dignity and keep going . But , only seconds later someone near them , someone their age , a peer , turned and told them to shut up . The voice was stern , not angry , and firm , not emotional . It was just a statement . SHUT UP . The voice carried authority . I looked at the young woman that spoke and she was pretty and petite and powerful . Her voice brooked no opposition and they silence . One even mouthed to me , ' Sorry . ' Then it happened again . Another group started and another voice , male this time , spoke up . ' That 's not cool , stop it , ' he said . Again , a voice of authority . A voice that said , ' I mean this . ' And , amazingly , they did . They did stop . I looked at him , again , a handsome fellow , athletic looking , I nodded a thanks that he brushed away . And then it happened one last time . They were almost by . I 'm not kidding hundreds . A young woman made a fat joke to the girl she was with , I heard it . I won 't repeat it . The girl who spoke was as shocked as I when her friend turned to her and said , ' Why are you being mean ? No need . No need . ' I don 't know who they were , where they were from , what brought them together . But I do know that there are some parents , or teachers , or mentors that should be really , really proud of the work they 've done . I also know that there are some very cool teens who have discovered a way to break the code of silent acceptance of casual cruelty . Joe pulled into the parking spot and I climbed out of the car as he unloaded the wheelchair . He had to gather some stuff in a bag so I headed on to the nearest mall door . Being able to push up a slight slope over a bit of distance has really freed me to get about my business while Joe is doing what he needs to do . I got up the curb cut and was heading to the door . There were two sliding doors so I chose to enter the one closest to my approach . I noticed as the door opened that there was a fellow with cerebral palsy walking along the sidewalk towards where I was entering . I nodded . He nodded . In I went . I had just gone through when I was faced with another set of doors . Before I could register where would be easiest to get through , the door behind me opened and a voice said , " go to the door on your left , it 's hard to tell , but it 's automatic . " I turned , and thanked him . He smiled . " We 've got to have each other 's backs , " he said . I agreed . It 's tempting to say something like ' such a small thing can make such a big difference . ' And , in fact , that was my first thought about the whole thing . But , I realized , when I thought about it , that it wasn 't small at all . In fact , I think we make things like this ' little ' . . . like a ' little act of kindness ' or a ' small gesture of welcome ' . . . when they aren 't little or small at all . Thoughtfulness isn 't natural and it 's always intentional . People may say otherwise , but I don 't believe it to be true , I believe people need to see where their actions could make a difference and then after noting it they have to act on it , that , in and of itself , is astonishing . People may brush aside their actions by saying ' anyone would have done it , when in reality , very few would have . However you want to frame it , he affected my day , my evening and my next morning . I can still hear his voice in my mind . It 's a big deal . At our beach picnic on Saturday , we had some issues with accessibility . All of which I kept my mouth shut about . We were out with Ruby and Sadie and they know well enough about access and access issues , sometimes I want it to be just fun . The problem we had was that the benches alongside the boardwalk weren 't attached right to the boardwalk . Some of them were , all taken , but most were set off to the side . So there was no access from the boardwalk to the bench . I began worrying that we 'd have no where to sit . But then I noticed , way up ahead , a spot where there was a connecting path between the boardwalk and the bike trail . I zoomed up , rode down to the bike trail and then approached a bench from behind . I got us landed . Now there was this huge barrier between me and the beach itself . I hadn 't planned on going on the beach , sand and wheelchairs along with my weight do not for a good roll make . But the barrier was glaring and made me feel like I was sitting much lower than the boardwalk and looking over it , because , well , that 's what it was . But I kept ; my mouth shut . We were here to have fun and , in fact , I was having fun . So were the kids they were in and out of that cold Lake Ontario water getting closer and closer to jumping in each time . They both made it right under the water and then ran pell mell up onto the hot sand and plopped on it , soaking up it 's warmth . They loved the contrast between the cold water and the warm sand . At one point Ruby ran up to the boardwalk , crossed over and jumped down to where I was . She was full of stories about how cold the water was and how hot the sand was . I listened to her tell the story while she was covered head to toe in sand and not minding it one bit . Then she said , ' I have an idea . ' I watched her run back to the beach grab the sand bucket and run to the water . She scooped up the water and ran back to where I was , jumping down and sloshing water everywhere . ' Put your hand in the water , ' she commanded . I complied and remarked that it was indeed really cold . She was gone again . This time she just crossed over the boardwalk and then dumped the water and found a spot and scooped sand into the bucket . Back she came , jumping down to me and holding out the bucket , and said , ' Put your hand in the sand . ' I did and felt the warmth . We were having an amazing day . We 'd been the the beach and had a picnic . As always we brought both chairs , the power chair and the manual , which was used to haul stuff and to give me seating options . When we arrived there wasn 't a picnic table available we pulled up to a bench , I transferred into the manual , we lifted the arms on the power chair , put the table cloth over the seat and voila . It was great . Sadie spotted the ice cream truck just before the bus was to arrive to pick us up so I asked her if she could wait til we got home and then we 'd go out for ice cream . She agreed just as she spotted the bus turning in to pick us up . Our ride home was fun , the whole day had been lovely . Once home and showered , sadly there 's less of a beach left for other people because a couple of buckets of sand washed itself down through our bathtub drain , we left to get ice cream . I held the table on an outdoor patio a couple blocks from our home . It 's my favourite patio for having tea and people watching and I smiled as I watched them cross over to me , hands full of cones and sundaes . Joe then headed in to get us each a tea and the seconds later was back . Everyone was in a brilliant mood , Ruby and Sadie were at their best , sharp , funny and inventive in their story telling of the day . We played a game to see who could give the meanest look that had us all howling . It was awesome . An elderly woman had come out and sat at a table furthest from us . She was clearly in a cranky mood and looked over at us and the kids with annoyance . Let 's face it , this is Yonge Street , right down town , it 's not a fancy table at a tea shoppe in a meadow in Wales . It 's noisy . And we were noisy . We laughed a lot . At one point , after several really nasty looks , she 'd have won the contest , hands down , I 'd had enough of her sighs and her cursing under her breath . I looked at her , and said , " Oh , come on ! " That 's all . I wanted to know that she 'd been seen and that , really , she 's upset about kids laughing ? Kids should be laughing all the time . Childhood should be full of laughter . I was laughing . I should be laughing more . Joe was laughing , his life needs more of that stuff too . We were all getting a lot of oxygen and exercising our senses of humour . The interesting thing was , as soon as I said what I said , her face changed . She stopped . She looked over and saw the girls curled up in laughter as Joe was trying to make a mean face , which he was hysterically bad at , and her face softened . It was like she connected the noise , which was irritating her , with the source . He whole body seemed to just relax . I caught her a couple of times smiling when the girls said something funny . Like Sadie 's dramatic announcement that 's she 's having a really , really , bad day and that we had to treat her nice with extra ice cream . And Ruby 's commentary on the actions of the security guard . I 've never had that kind of encounter before . I expected her to become more hostile or to turn her chair completely away . Even so , I wanted to let her know that her actions were completely out of proportion to what was going on . But it was like throwing cold water on an unnecessary fire . She just , suddenly , became a nice old woman . As a question from a stranger , it 's way too personal . But as it was a conversation that I just fell into and as we were both talking about general health and wellbeing , it didn 't seem out of place , or out of context , so I answered that I did indeed have diabetes . I am no longer insulin dependant , because of the diet and exercise program I 've had myself on for several months , but yes , I have diabetes . Everyone has a story about diabetes , it seems . And every one of those stories is a horror storry . She , my conversation partner , launched into a very detailed story about her sister in law who has diabetes and stubbed her toe . I have heard , when telling someone about having diabetes , about lost digits , lost limbs , lost mobility , lost lives . Yikes and double yikes , it 's like every story I hear is about this Boom Boom Boom tragedy that lurking around the corner waiting to strike me . And , I kinda know that might be true , but I don 't need to hear it every single time I mention that I 've got ' the sugar ' . In fact , when I was telling a group of friends about this experience and complaining about always being told a tragic story when mentioning the diagnosis , one of my friends jumped in with a tragic story about someone losing a leg . Right . Yea . Glad you were listening . All the disabled parking was taken . There were virtually no other cars in the parking lot , but the 10 disabled bays were jam packed full . So Joe let me off at the front of the building and went to park further away . I turned my chair , I was in my manual , and considered the ramp . It was long , so long that they 'd put a four foot flat space about 2 / 3 the way up , a place to stop and rest . It was steep , really steep , I 'm sure it was legal , but I 'm also sure that mountain goats would have rested comfortably on the slope . I rolled over to the bottom of it and looked up . Way up . I knew I had time because Joe was parking , as I said , a fair distance away . I 've been lifting weights , I am noticably stronger , but this was a big ramp . Suddenly I knew I had to try . I started . Steep ramp , long ramp , fat guy in a wheelchair , those three things combined suddenly to make it really hard work . I 'd gotten about half way up the first incline when I just knew I couldn 't do it . But if I let go I 'd go flying backwards down the ramp . Unpleasant images formed in my brain and I knew that option was out . I pressed on and made the rest spot . This is good enough . I 've proved my point . I 'm much stronger than I thought I was . But the top was so close , I 'd rested , I looked and still no sign of Joe . I edged to the edge and then pushed . This was the steepest part of the ramp . I 'm quite high up now . the ramp makes up for about a dozen stairsteps to the ground . I pushed and was now midway up that part of the ramp . Joe sees me and reacts with shock to where I am on the ramp , which is only a few feet from the top . He comes up behind me , he knows better than to simply grab and help . He waited . My arms were straining and I was really tired . Yep , I asked for help . Especially when ' not possible ' is the starting point . I think we forget that when we are working towards a goal . I think we consider failure as our ' go to ' definition of how we are doing when we don 't quite make a goal on an attempt . For me , failure would have been the lack of trying . I not only tried , I got almost to the top . Next time , the top , or if not the top , closer . I feel great . I 've learned to change the definition of success . And because of that , I 'm so much happier and so much more likely to continue on . This morning I added 7 minutes extra into my exercise routine using a higher weight than I 'm comfortable lifting . It 's just 7 minutes , but I know I need to get even stronger and I can see the top of the ramp . I need a bit more strength . So for now 7 minutes more of a weight that I struggle with . For you direct support professionals reading this . Remember if you are working towards a goal with an individual reward effort over accomplisment . It 's a fundamental when teaching someone , it 's the trying that gets to the succeeding so it 's the trying that needs the reinforcment and acknowledgement . Succeeding is its own reward . On Sunday we went to the museum with Ruby and Sadie to see the Chihuly exhibit , which was astonishing . To hear children gasp at the sight of something incredibly beautiful and fantastical and then watch their imaginations burst on fire is part of why we try to get the kids to shows like these . To be fair , it wasn 't just the kids in the room that were reacting to the exhibit with awe and , often , stunned silence . One of the best shows we 've see there . Afterwards the kids wanted to go for a bite in the ' eatateria ' as Sadie calls it . As we were there and as we had time we asked if the kids wanted to go anywhere else in the museum . We 're a lucky group because all of us love the place , and when they both said that they wanted to stay and both had galleries they wanted to go and visit , we filled our afternoon there . Finally we decided to go up and visit the bees and go through the bat cave again . There was a volunteer there who chatted with the girls about the bees and answered their questions in such a way that encouraged more questions , a rare talent . So I fell back a bit to give the girls their space and to get myself out of the way of the traffic of parents and kids going through the area . So Joe was sitting on the ledge over by the kids , the kids were at the bee hive and I was off to one side . I can see how I might have looked as if I was on my own . As such , when someone approached me with that assumption I wasn 't surprised . Then I realized they were a little suspicious of me being there . I responded by saying that I was with the girls who were looking at the bees . I thought by now , I 'd be at the point of my life where there 's be a kind of ' grizzled wisdom ' that comes with age . Where I 'd be letting pearls of enlightenment fall from my lips . Where I 'd smile knowingly at those younger than myself and gently guide them along . " We need a green pepper , " Joe said as we headed home . We agreed that he 'd run into the little local grocery store across the street from where we live . I can go in there but I never do , it 's just accessible enough to be called accessible but the size of the store makes it such that it takes work and the cooperation of others in order to get around . I wait outside . So as we near the store , Joe veers off and I head to a small outdoor plaza area . Just as I go up the ramp to the plaza I make a turn to my right . Doing this I cross right into the path of the man coming behind me that I didn 't notice . It startled me when I saw him and realized that I 'd cut him off , I said automatically , " Sorry . " He , though he 'd been cut off , also said , automatically , " Sorry . " When he did this I made the remark , more to myself than him , " We 're so Canadian . " It 's probably a myth that Canadian 's are a really polite people , but we are a people that readily apologizes . I once heard two fight attendants joking as they were walking to their gate , " Let 's go through Air Canada 's gate and bump into people , they 'll all apologize to us . " And it 's true that 's what we do . So that was the context under which I made my remark . It turned out that he was a recent immigrant to Canada from Syria , he was Muslim , and he had been feeling that he wasn 't adapting to the Canadian culture . Our little interaction was the first time he 'd been called a Canadian , spontaneously , by another person . " I thought that the only thing that people could see when they looked at me was . . . " He never finished , he was overcome . From their web page I discovered almost everything I needed to know . They had a diverse menu , complete with both vegetarian and vegan offerings . They were located right near where we were going to meet our friend . They had really good reviews . I looked , found their phone number and called them . A friendly voice answered the phone . I asked them if their restaurant was wheelchair accessible . " Yes , we are ! " she stated with some excitedment . Then I was told about the flat entrance and the fully accessible washroom . " We are quite proud of the access we provide , " she said . I never know what to say when someone says that they are ' proud ' of being accessible . At an earlier stage of my life with a disability I would have said something like , " and you should be ! " I don 't say that any more . I guess because I think accessibility should be a given not a gift . But , since she was in such a good mood about it all , I thought I 'd press the point . " Well , you aren 't completely accessible , " I said . She rushed to assure me that they were . " The thing is , " I explained , " If you were fully accessible , I wouldn 't be talking to you at all . I went to your web site , like any other customer , checked out your menu , like any other customer , and now I have to call you , unlike other customers , because you have no information about your accessibility on your website . There is still an extra step in the process for disabled people . If you want to be absolutely , fully accessible , you need to remove that last step . " Then , after that frozen pause , " OK , I 've noted it down . I 'll give that to the owners . " Then I felt really bad , like I 'd taken the wind out of her sails about the accessibility of the place . She sounded defeated . I thought I was being an advocate but I was being a bit of an asshole . See it 's this personal bugaboo of mine , I believe that it should be manditory that restaurants and bars have an accessiblity notice on their websites . I once spent an hour in Baltimore calling restaurants trying to find one that had vegetarian options and was wheelchair accessible . It pisses me off . I don 't think I should have to call . I think they should just tell you on their site . I had brought all of that into a conversation with someone who was excited about the fact that the restaurant she worked in was accessible . In fact , I didn 't recognize him at first as he ran over towards us . We had passed a patio that he was sitting on and barely heard him when our names were called . We turned and watched him approach . I asked Joe quietly , " Do you know who this is ? " Joe answered in a whisper , " No . " We took his warm greeting and after a couple of seconds I knew exactly who he was . I used his name in a sentence so that Joe would catch the drift as well . But even as I said his name I could see Joe had remembered . We 're going back to when we first moved to Toronto , late 70 's , that 's a long , long way back . He 'd been a bartender in a bar that we used to go to all the time . It was a different era and you had to go down an alley and then down dark back stairs to get to it . I always felt safe going in , we could see the alley plainly , but no matter how drunk we were , I left wary . Opening a door onto an alley when you are a hated minority is never an easy thing to do . We were very lucky to never have been assaulted there , others were less lucky . Safety should never be a matter of luck . It was nice chatting with him , he 's still way younger than us , by 11 years . Those 11 years don 't show now as much as they did then . He seemed like such a kid back then . We 're all pretty seasoned now . As our chat grew to a close he said that he 'd recognized us immediately because " Neither of you has changed a bit . " I didn 't want to make further issue of it so I let it drop . We continued on and then it was time to part and we all agreed it was nice to see each other and catch up . And it was . Why is it polite , or nice , to erase a big part of my life . I have changed , yes . I have a disability now . It 's OK , it 's just change . It 's just different . It isn 't shameful . It isn 't like a new piece of me that has to move back into the closet . For heaven 's sake , I 'm out about being gay and I 'm out because I 'm in a wheelchair . It probably sounds like carping over something trivial , but to me it isn 't . I don 't like even a brush with shame , had enough of that in my younger years . That stuff stinks . Cradled in her father 's arms she was brought over to where she had pointed . She had directed , father willingly followed . Joe and I were on a patio watching the activity around us . It was then we saw father and daughter making their way over to a big black box , but don 't be deceived , the box produced bubbles by the thousands . They flew out and up and then every which way . Several had made their way over to us , we both , taking one of life 's opportunities to be kids again , tried to catch them . She took catching bubbles quite seriously for a moment , looking surprised when they 'd pop in her hand . One of them brushed her cheek and she startled . She was fresh out of babyhood and to her this was simply wonder . And then . Then . She laughed . Father and daughter stayed for a few minutes more , then he kissed her , helped her grab a bubble or two more , and then headed off . She looked back over his shoulder , at the bubbles , and waved . I don 't know where they were going , or rather , I don 't know where she was going , this tiny little girl with Down Syndrome , but I knew , with certainty where she wasn 't . I knew that while she would have battles to fight , she would fight on firm ground . Ground already won . The school - won . The playground - won . The community - won . She 'd fight her battles but far , far , far from the starting line . Those of us who work or have worked in the community living movement made it possible for a little girl 's life to begin , differently . Every parent who cried bitterly after a fight with the school board . Every staff who listened carefully and then supported someone with a disability to do something magical . Every single person who volunteered , who gave time , who welcomed in , made it possible . Sometimes when I 'm tired I wonder if it mattered . The work I 've done . The work we 've done . Then , at moments like these , watching a little girl , safe in her father 's arms reach out to play with bubbles , I know . Deeply know . That it matters . Yesterday , I simply couldn 't take it any more . The night had been hell , the day didn 't seem to promise better . I woke Joe up and said , " I have to go to the hospital . " I had developed a small cough on Tuesday of last week which had gotten worse , day by day . I 'm not someone who runs to the doctor , or anywhere really , I figured it was just a summer cold . But when I got up from that night , I knew I was really sick . We got ourselves together and entered the hospital at 8 : 30 AM . I was sick , and scared . I absolutely trust my doctor , he 's proven himself over and over and over again to be a smart , kind and compassionate man . I feel safe going to his office . I don 't feel safe going into a hospital in a vulnerable state to be dealt with by strangers . My weight and my disability bring forth prejudices in all sorts of places , but , my oh my , have I had my share of a medical system that can 't hear my symptoms because they 've already determined them . We see the triage nurse first . She is a bit surprising . She asks me questions about my cough , in response to the question , ' have you been out of the country ' I answered , ' yes , ' she looked up concerned , ' where ? ' I said , ' Pennsylvania ' a small smile told me that this wasn 't as ' out of the country ' as she might have first thought . After a few more questions she told me I 'd need a room and that they were stacked full but she 'd get me in when she could . I realized I 'd left my work phone at home so Joe went to get it . Vita was in the parade and I wanted to be in contact with them throughout the day . Just after he left , I was invited in , a room had become vacant . I 'd been there , maybe 10 minutes . Once in the room , I had to organize it so there was room for both my chair and the bed . Joe got back , quickly having taken a taxi home and back , and just sat down when a woman came in with an ECG machine ( the thing where they put sticky things around your heart and then attach you to it . It looked like they were doing an experiment on my left boob ) and in a quick and friendly manner explained that she was not my assigned nurse but as my nurse was busy , she thought she 'd help out . That done . Then blood drawn . Then goodbye . Two seconds later I was taken to the xray room where a really young woman , they are getting so very , very young , guided me through the process of getting an xray while in the chair . Back in the room , we quietly read for about ten minutes when the doctor arrives . I have pneumonia . I told you I was sick . He wants to wait for the blood work but as I 'm relatively healthy , he wasn 't worried . He left promising a prescription , a note for work and a thing to take to my doctor . All through that , all through , I was treated like a patient . I was listened to . I was asked questions about my symptoms not my body . I was spoken to with both respect and kindness . One by one my fears were proving , in this case , I 'm not naive , to be groundless . Just before 11 we were out . On the way out I wanted to thank someone , not just for the service but for how it was performed . I wanted them to notice , because good people don 't , that they had been good people . They had treated me with respect . I 've mentioned him to you before , and I 'm sad I can 't remember his name , but just after becoming disabled I was giving a lecture in Glasgow somewhere . I spoke with a man who unlike me had been born with his disability . I asked him for advice , as from a mentor , he said , " Don 't ever get in the habit of being grateful for what other people simply expect . " That has really stayed with me . I see a wisdom behind it . But I failed him as I left the hospital , I did feel grateful . I think everyone remembers a moment , some of us will remember many , when we wished , with all our hearts , that someone , anyone , would have invited us or welcomed us to a seat at their table . Those moments of sheer isolation are searingly painful , when the recognition that you are utterly alone , carries with it blame : ' you 're different , your fault . ' The drive to belong isn 't just a drive to fellowship , it 's also a drive to affirmation - I am likable , lovable , worthy . That 's the slogan or theme of this year 's Pride celebration in Toronto . It 's the first I 've really taken notice of , most of them haven 't had much shelf life in my memory because , for me , they didn 't really have resonance with the life I lived or am living . But this year , when I read the theme , 5 simple words , I felt an immediate connection . So much so that I had to gulp back tears . Oh , my , gosh , words that I longed to hear for years , the invitation that never came in time , oh , my , gosh . On so many levels this is a beautiful theme . It encompasses so much of what we long for as human beings , it counters the messages of rejection we hear too often and it offers embrace in place of rejection . More than that it is the solution to bullying , it is the solution to alienation , it is the solution to intolerance . Offering a place at the table , a voice in the discussion , a welcome into membership is risky business indeed . You can 't offer a space beside you without being willing to create space , just a little more , within your own heart . I admire the theme . I admire the goal . I admire every honourable sentiment behind it . I even admire the fact that it was written without exclamation marks . It 's written to be said , not shouted , spoken , not announced . But I hope for more . I hope that after the march today and the party tonight that people will wake up tomorrow morning and glance over at the tee shirt or shopping bag or sticker and see the ' You can sit with us ! ! ' logo and , perhaps , think about it a little bit . There is a call there to become a welcoming community . There is a quiet urging about the words that should lead to a kind of self examination , are we as proud of our diversity as we are of our difference ? Are these words we would really be willing to say , to someone , with different differences ? I bought a shopping bag with the slogan on it . I wanted to be reminded of my feelings when I first saw the words . I used it shortly after , in a store near where I live , one of the clerks noticed my bag and said , " Well , you 've got the right bag for the weekend . " I agreed that I did , he then stopped , turned , and said to me , " Awfully big words , aren 't they . " " May they one day be true , " I said . He nodded . I don 't know his story , probably never will , but I know one thing . He once , like me , looked for a welcome he didn 't receive . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .
I took a moment to look around my bedroom , now filled with piles of boxes that were marked either " storage " or " school " in blue sharpie . I have too much stuff , I thought to myself . There were a lot of other things I could have been thinking about ; the party after graduation , what happened after I left last night . I just had so much crap . Dad was the only person in my sphere that was against me going to Berkeley . To him , my going there was like a personal attack as if I were running away . During our regular arguments he 'd always bring up how I got into Cal Poly and how I should go there instead . He 'd always talk about how close it was , how many people I 'd know and the convenience of it all . In his head it was the superior school . I tapped the text box to reply . As the line flashed I drew a blank . I didn 't know what to say and I could only imagine what he saw on his end . Those silent ellipses flashing as if I were writing a heartfelt message back - if he was still looking at the screen . I closed it and put my phone away . I 'll reply later . Last night a few friends and I decided to sneak into La Purisima Mission which is considered by many " paranormal experts " to be one of the most haunted places in California . Since the Schwarzenegger budget cuts the security presence has been limited at best . As a result , local kids made it a rite of passage to spend a night on the grounds . Cam took it a step further and brought beer . I don 't usually drink beer , but that night I drank it . When the pounding in my head ceased . I got onto my knees and dragged the box to my bookcase . Once I filled it with my copies of Doctorow and Hemingway I taped it closed and tried to decide whether to mark it storage or school . On one hand , I might need to grab my copy of Ragtime in the near future . But what if I never needed it ? As I loaded the boxes into the car , the familiar rumbling of a rocket launch from Vandenberg broke the silence of the afternoon . I didn 't look up , the days when that was cool had passed long ago . Instead I continued loading the car while the rumble slowly faded back to silence . When I finished , I leaned against the side door to wait for my family to see me off . My phone vibrated again . When I took it out the notification read , " Instagram : cam805 just posted a photo . " I opened Instagram to look at the post . It was the two of us when we were kids . Cam was wearing his royal blue youth football jersey , something he would wear for most of his life , and I the yellow hoodie I used to wear all the time . " # tbt me & my day1 back in the day , " read the caption . " Good luck at Cal ! " No doubt similar pictures of Cam in a football uniform and me in civilian clothing were out there somewhere . But looking at this one was like looking at an ancient relic from days long ago , back when watching rocket launches was cool . Cam called those days at Miguelito " the good ole ' days " and maybe they were . Back then when there was a rocket launch , the entire school would rush out of class to watch . Seeing those long lines of white steam exit the blue and enter the black was so bewitching to my 10 - year - old self . It made me wonder when the blue ended and black began . In those days after school , I 'd walk with Cam to his grandfather , Mr . Ruiz 's house and wait for Mom to get off work . Mr . Ruiz had lived in Lompoc his entire life and he would always tell us stories about what the town was like before we were born . Like how back in the ' 60s all of the shops closed for the day to see Bobby Kennedy pass through for his campaign , or when the city finally had to build another high school - our crosstown rival Cabrillo . Whenever he 'd tell us about these times it was always with some sort of regret that they had to pass . How Cam and I remained friends for so long I 'll never understand . We never had anything in common and even though I went to his games , it was because my parents were on the board for the youth league - I had no choice . While he was on the field I was reading in the bleachers completely uninterested and unaware of what was going on . But I guess he returned that same sentiment by being unaware of what went on in my life . He was playing and I was going through a crisis of self . The Saturday after the first week of school was when all the players in the league would have their height and weight taken so they could be sorted into age divisions . Once sorted , the coaches would draft them into teams . This was apparently a big deal and it took all day and it was why I spent one day every year for nine years in the equipment room while Dad and another board member - usually Mr . Ruiz - weighed over 200 kids and argued with their parents . Cam would have practice right after he was weighed , so I spent the day inside staring at the shelves of old helmets and shoulder pads that were the abyss . Then the older boys would come in and my attention would turn from the shelves to them stripping down to their underwear . Something made me feel like this wasn 't okay . So it was a struggle for me to look without being obvious . " It 's fine , son , " Dad once said . " We 're all men in here . " I think he thought I felt uncomfortable seeing people naked , but what was saying that supposed to achieve ? I think Mr . Ruiz saw me and knew what was going on . One year he came up to me with a Magic Treehouse book and said , " The equipment hasn 't moved . " It was easier to not look after that . I tried to write a response , but I went back to look through his profile some more . I stopped to look at a post of Cam in his football uniform and his girlfriend , Stephanie , kissing from opposite sides of a low fence . The post was captioned , " HOME OF THE BRAVES BABY ! " which was flanked by a blue heart emoji on both sides . The night it was taken , Cam was still on a victory high after Lompoc beat Cabrillo . When the fourth quarter ended , he handed me his phone and told me to take the picture . It was very uncomfortable and it didn 't help that it took a few tries to get it right . At the time Cam and Stephanie had been dating for about a year and a half . I thought she was nice , but I never thought anything more of her . As far as I was concerned , she was just another one of Cam 's pseudo - girlfriends he always seemed to have since we were 12 . And by that time , Mom didn 't like that I was becoming a third wheel . I 'd never been asked that question before . What did she mean by like ? I thought some girls in my class were cool or funny , but did that mean I liked them ? Luckily , Dad saved me from this confusion . " He 's obviously not interested into girls yet , " he interjected . " Wait till he 's 14 , he 'll be all over them . " With that deadline in mind , I turned 13 and realized that the reason I didn 't like girls was because I liked guys . I didn 't live in a homophobic environment , it was just something we never talked about . As self - important as it may sound , I actually thought I was the only guy in the world who liked other guys . In what seemed like a simple solution , I decided that I wasn 't going to like guys or girls - spoiler : it didn 't work . " God dammit ! Son ' f bitch ! " yelled a familiar voice . I looked across the street and saw our neighbor , Mr . Wold , trying to push a piece of scrap metal off his foot . When it was off , he took hold of his foot and focused on the pain . In the ' 70s and ' 80s , the Air Force began developing their own Space Shuttle program at Vandenberg . Mr . Wold was a relic from the wave of young engineers and physicists who rushed to this little hamlet on Point Conception with their families and the hopes of becoming the new Cape Canaveral . Because of this sudden influx of people , the town experienced unprecedented growth . Mr . Ruiz called it " the space rush . " Of all his stories , his favorite ones came from the space rush . He 's tell us about the kids Cam 's parents played with and how the city commissioned Mrs . Ruiz to paint a mural to welcome the new residents . But whenever he 'd tell us about when the Space Shuttle arrived , it was always with an air of hope . " We knew that the shuttle was supposed to come , " he said , " but when we looked up into the sky and saw it on top of that big plane that was when it became real . They were gonna be launching shuttles every hour . Every day . We were gonna be Cape Canaveral . That was gonna be us . " When my parents finally came outside , the goodbye process began . Whatever feelings Dad had about my leaving were gone . He gave his " I 'm proud of you " speech before checking my oil one last time and giving me a hug where - I swear - I heard a whimper . Mom cried , too . She gave her " be safe " speech and hugged me again . Mr . Wold 's scrap metal dragging briefly interrupted us . Dad looked across the street and watched through gritted teeth . Somehow he was able to say , " You need help with that , Hank ? " Mr . Wold stopped and looked up at Dad . " I don 't need no help ! " he proclaimed before loudly dragging the rusty axel through the side gate . My parents looked over and just glared at Mr . Wold 's house . " Recycling , " Dad answered just to get me to stop . He knew I was fucking with him . Even when his son was going off to college , he still found time to hate Mr . Wold . It was petty , and it was also the funniest thing in the world . Mom loved the idea of Cam and Stephanie together and to an extent I guess I did , too . Regardless of how irritated I 'd get when Cam went on his " I 'm in deep " rants , I cared about his happiness . Mom did too , but I had my suspicions that she liked it - at least partially - because I didn 't date girls . " Maybe you two need to cut your time together , " I said . " I don 't know , you know the situation better than I do . " I continued , " Once in a while you need to be a person as opposed to being part of a couple . That 's just me , though . " Cam sighed and said , " It 's just … why would I not want to be with her ? I know what you 're saying but you 'd understand if you finally found a girl . " Nothing was said until we got onto the 101 near Gaviota and Cam brought up the same subject . " Like you really need to find yourself a girl , " he said , " You 're cool and shit , you could get one . " I looked out the window across the Santa Barbara channel . The sun had settled just behind Santa Rosa Island , turning the sky into a murky shade of tangerine that sparkled off the water . The lights on the oil rigs beyond the island made them look like galleons sailing for a distant place in a distant time . The world was changing around us , and I didn 't want to have conversations like this anymore . " Look , " Cam persisted , " maybe Lompoc girls aren 't your type . I get it , not a lot to choose from . You 'll find her though . " " Sure , " I said , but I immediately realized that wasn 't a clear enough answer . " Yeah , " I added . I looked back at him . Cam was silent for a few minutes before he started nodding . " Yeah , " said Cam , " You 're one of my day ones . You liking guys or girls , isn 't gonna change that . " I was taken aback by his apathy . He treated what I just told him like he found out I cheated on a test . He looked over at me and made an assuring smirk . " We 're still cool , " he said . I hugged my parents one more time , promised to come back for the nearest holiday and then I was off . A couple blocks down , my phone started vibrating in my pocket . I pulled it out and saw that Cam was calling me before I put the phone on the center console and kept driving . I tried not to think about why he was calling , but I did find a diversion when I saw that I was running on empty . It was the only time I felt relieved that I needed to get gas . Usually I 'd go to Sunshine Market since it was the cheapest . But that was out of my way , I also didn 't want to run into Cam in case he was there . It was for the best ; he 'd ask why I didn 't answer his calls / texts and then it would turn into this big thing that neither of us wanted . I went to Circle K in the strip mall near Cajun Kitchen instead . I hated going there . To call it a strip mall was being generous . After the recession , what should have had at least nine storefronts now only had three : the grocery store Albertson 's , Beauty Connection , and - oddly enough - Radio Shack . But Albertson 's was so expensive no one ever went there . The only people there were teenagers learning how to drive and what was left of the employees . It wasn 't like the recession was the only thing that pushed Lompoc closer to the edge . When Cam and I were in middle school , Mr . Ruiz told us the Space Shuttle story . We must have heard it a thousand times by now , but it still felt fresh . " You had to be there , man , " said Mr . Ruiz . " They should have launched the shuttle from Vandenberg right from the beginning . Come on ! We have better weather than Florida . " The shuttle in Vandenberg was supposed to launch in the summer of ' 86 . But after the Challenger disintegrated in mid - flight , the Air Force halted development of their program . It wasn 't until later when I understood what that meant . That growth from the ' 70s and ' 80s slowly turned into decline . Everyone who was part of the program - except Mr . Wold , apparently - left looking for greener pastures , maybe to Cape Canaveral . While I waited for my tank to fill up , I went over to grab my phone . The screen read , " ( 2 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz " before Cam tried to call again . I put my arm down and gripped tighter , hoping it would go to voicemail quicker . When it stopped I held it up and read , " ( 3 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz . " I put the phone back in the car . Maybe he wants to say goodbye , I thought to myself , or maybe he wants to continue what happened last night ; though I was pretty clear that we were done . A month before graduation I was in a bookstore in Santa Barbara . There was no reason for me to be there . I just wanted to be there . As I browsed the aisles of shelves , I saw Stephanie . Her back was to me and I thought I 'd go up and say hi . But when I went up to her , I ended up freaking her out and she dropped her books . " Shit ! " I said , smiling in hilarity , " I 'm so sorry . " It was hard for my dumb ass to hold back laughter as we both leaned down to pick them up . Then I stopped when I saw bruises on her arms which she quickly covered with her sleeves . We looked at each other and knew there was no way out of it . She didn 't want to say it , and I didn 't want to hear it but I knew what was going on right then and there . With my tank full I drove across the parking lot to avoid the light . The faster I was out , the better . Then Cam started calling me again . In a fury , I stopped the car and picked it up . I finally had a response to his text . " Stop calling me ! ! ! " I typed into the box , " Not only are you mentally unable to make this right , it 's impossible after what you did . I can 't have this kind of poison in my life anymore . " Right when I was about to send it , I deleted all of it and cried . I 'd see Cam kiss her on the cheek and I just wanted to grab him and scream , " You fucking moron ! " I wanted to do something . I just hated that I was too much of a coward to actually do it . Then at the mission , after a few beers , I hit the limit . We were all sitting in a circle and Cam and Steph were doing their thing and he slapped her ass . My first instinct was to say something right there , but I knew that would have done more harm than good . So I asked Cam to talk with me in private . I couldn 't be in a room full of a bunch of enablers . We walked for a while on the mission grounds , mostly because I wanted to find a place that was as far from everyone else as possible . When we came to the fountain between the old pear trees , I stopped . Whether it was the shitty beer or the spirits that supposedly haunt the grounds , or the fact that it was the bare minimum of decency , I had to say something . " Hey man , " said Cam , " I just wanted to say that … I 'm really gonna miss you when you 're gone . " I looked over at to him and said nothing . " I mean … " he continued , " You 're one of my day ones , and I know you 'll be around for holidays and shit but … it won 't be the same . " What he said was heartfelt and sentimental , but I had to stay focused . No good would have come from me returning the sentimentally " Cam , " I said . " I know . " Cam smirked but I knew he was furious . " Alright , " he said as he tried to laugh it off , " So you saw some bruises . What do you think you know ? " " It 's getting late , " he interjected . " I think we 're going to call it a night . " Cam turned around to walk back to the chapel . I 've never seen a person so angry , scared , sad , and whatever else there is at the same time . I looked down and saw that Cam was closing his hands into fists and I braced for impact . But instead he took a step back and smiled in a panic . " That 's what you 're gonna do ? " Cam said , " You 're gonna tell her parents ? " I nodded . Cam stepped back again and threw his arms up and let them drop to his side , still smiling that panicked smile . " Cool , " he said , " You know , that 's fucking weak . Why not just tell the cops ? " " Shut the fuck up ! You piece of shit ! " he yelled . There was a nanosecond where I saw tears in his eyes . " You piece of shit ! " he yelled again . Cam stopped and wiped the tears from his eyes . He fell slowly and sat on the floor . " You know how happy she makes me . " he said with his head down , " She 's the only person in the world that makes me feel this way and you want to take it away . " " This isn 't about you ! " I said back . I wasn 't going to fall for it . " What I 'm doing is correct . Do you not see what you 're doing is wrong ? " Cam stopped crying and stood up . I looked at him and saw his puffy cheeks and red eyes , and I felt sorry for him . He took a deep breath and gathered himself . Cam turned away and shook his head . The silence was deathly . " So , " he said as he turned around and looked at me , " She trusted you . " Cam walked closer to me until I felt the heat from his breath on my nose . " Kinda like how you trusted me when you told me you were gay . " No , we 're not still cool . I came out to my family way before I came out to Cam . How fucking arrogant of him to think I 'd tell him before my family . Did he actually think that texting me would make me forget that he kept my gayness in case he needed it for leverage ? Or was he just really dumb ? Cam was never my friend , just like how Mr . Wold was never building a rocket . It was all just a fantasy that fooled me into thinking I had a reason to ever come back here . Fuck this place . I put the phone down and started the engine to finally leave . Then I looked in my rear - view mirror and saw what looked like standing outside . I thought I was going insane even after I turned around . I got out of the car to get a better look and it was actually her . She wasn 't the cute girl Cam and I saw in Jack in the Box a year ago . She was a completely different person . Maybe that 's why I was confused . Stephanie shrugged and said , " Anywhere . " She looked around for a long while and said , " You know I never got to thank you for what you did last night . You were gone so quick . " " I agreed and got a ride home , " said Stephanie . " Whatever you said worked ' cause it scared the shit out of him . " I nodded . She looked away as a gust a wind blew by . She needed to get out of this place as much as I did - if not more . " Where you going ? " she asked . With that , we were on the road . When we passed the closed - down drive - in , crossed over the dry riverbed and saw the eucalyptus in the distance , we knew were actually leaving . The light next to the bell that marked the El Camino Real turned red and Stephanie jumped out of the car . She ran across to the dry grass field and raised both middle fingers up towards the town . I watched her and my phone started vibrating . As suspected it was Cam calling . But before I had a chance to put it down , the ground started to shake . Another rocket , I thought . But it kept shaking , violently and ceaselessly . I saw the people in the cars around me get out and look towards the town in disbelief as more pulled to do the same . I looked over and my jaw dropped . It was a rocket , but it wasn 't coming from base . It was coming right from where my neighborhood was . I jumped out of the car and stood next to Stephanie , whose arms dropped in disbelief . He did it . That crazy motherfucker across the street actually did it . It took him more than 20 years but Mr . Wold was " gittin ' out of here . " But all I could think about was what everyone in town was doing . I thought about my parents , how relieved they must be now that Mr . Wold was fucking gone and how annoyed they must be about the crater in place of his house . I thought about Mr . Ruiz and how he 'll tell this story years from now . " There 's that pole where those kids died . " I said to him as we passed a telephone pole that stood like a column for the fallen . Adorned with candles of Saint Lawrence and dried flowers in old vases , that 's all it was to me . The pole where those kids died . " What ? " he asked . I know I 've told him this story before . In fact , I 've told it so many times he once said , " Yeah you tell me this story all the time . " " You know , " I said , " they 're the kids with their jerseys hanging in the school gym . " He nodded . I knew if I linked it with something involving sports , he would remember . God I love him . This is the first time that Sean would be meeting my family . I just wished it was for a less depressing reason . A week ago , I was sick . So sick , I had to stay home from work . I remember the sickness because with it came a tremendous sadness . " It 's Papa Lilliana … " she said . That was my grandfather . His name wasn 't Lilliana ; I don 't even know what kind of name that is . We just called him that because when Cousin Howard was little , he couldn 't say , Papa William . So he called him , " Papa Lilliana " and from that day on , that was his name . When I was five or six , I was watching TV and Papa Lilliana was watching me watch TV . That was his favorite activity . It didn 't matter what I was watching , whether it was " That 's So Raven " or one of the hundreds of silent movies Cousin Howard would force me to watch , Papa Lilliana loved looking at his granddaughter . " You 're right Pop , " he said , as he took the DVD out . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " He walked out the door and I put on " That 's So Raven . " " She looks a lot like you , Wendy , " he 'd say to my mother . And she would nod . Then he needed help eating . Two years ago he said , " Where 's Renee ? " my grandmother who had died four years prior . Last year during Christmas he looked at me and said , " Christmas hasn 't been the same since Camille left . She needs to visit once in a while . " " How 's Travis doing ? " Sean asked . I looked into the back seat and saw Travis curled in a ball sleeping and snoring . His jowls would vibrate every time air would exit his body , making him look even more comic than usual . For my degree , I had to take a Russian philosophy course . I don 't know why this course existed as oppose to Greek or Ethiopian philosophy or any other national philosophy for that matter . But the one thing I got out of it was Sean . I hate being one of those people that have this story about a hot guy looking back at them and asking to barrow a pencil resulting in love at first sight . Unfortunately , I am one of those people . The only difference is that he tapped me on the shoulder , and he asked if he could barrow a few bucks for lunch and that he 'd promise to pay me back ( he never did ) . Then we drove by my past . Lompoc cared about two things : The Old Town area , ( an area that no one ever goes to because all there is are expensive antique stores and a sushi bar ) and high school football . We passed by the center of town . That 's not a metaphor . Lompoc High School was literally in the center of town and I suppose adolescent life . The ' 50s era buildings surrounded by overgrown junipers made the school look like a rundown motel of the same era . Student murals of space travel and children watching rocket launches from Vandenberg Air Force Base didn 't help either . Yet when I looked at the school , it was like seeing an old friend at your grocery store . There was a warmth to the encounter , but to approach was never appropriate . Next to the school was the football stadium that looked like it hadn 't been updated since they replaced the wooden bleachers when I was a junior . I remember going to the games with Cousin Howard and his friends . They never actually watched the game , they didn 't really care . It was just a reason to be together with each other . The marching band would play their tribute to Queen during halftime and I would look at my cousin , a lover of the arts in his own right , and see him cringe with pure anger and disappointment . I laughed once when he stood up in the stands and yelled , " The percussion should never be louder than the winds ! " No one did anything because they knew he was right . " Freddie Mercury 's rolling in his grave right now ! " he said . We passed through town and found ourselves at the gates of The Family House . Not my family house . The Family House . I call it that because that was our clan 's gathering place during holidays , graduations and because we didn 't see each other since last Wednesday . This ranch style house with a five decade old loquat tree next to the newer olive tree was the place where we decided to have Thanksgiving Dinner in the middle of September because we were bored . It also happened to be the house my family lived in . Someone had to live in it . We parked on the curb across the street because that was the closest we would be able to get with all the cars right in front of it . I saw the younger cousins ( now teenagers ) playing football in the front yard . They reminded me of my generation of boy cousins who would always do the same . As I watched my nieces - who didn 't even say hi to me , but that 's beside point - lead my two boys under the same tree that I played under , it finally hit me . Not only was the family that I built under the tree , but so was the family I would always have . Today was the day that I was able to combine the two .
I took a moment to look around my bedroom , now filled with piles of boxes that were marked either " storage " or " school " in blue sharpie . I have too much stuff , I thought to myself . There were a lot of other things I could have been thinking about ; the party after graduation , what happened after I left last night . I just had so much crap . Dad was the only person in my sphere that was against me going to Berkeley . To him , my going there was like a personal attack as if I were running away . During our regular arguments he 'd always bring up how I got into Cal Poly and how I should go there instead . He 'd always talk about how close it was , how many people I 'd know and the convenience of it all . In his head it was the superior school . I tapped the text box to reply . As the line flashed I drew a blank . I didn 't know what to say and I could only imagine what he saw on his end . Those silent ellipses flashing as if I were writing a heartfelt message back - if he was still looking at the screen . I closed it and put my phone away . I 'll reply later . Last night a few friends and I decided to sneak into La Purisima Mission which is considered by many " paranormal experts " to be one of the most haunted places in California . Since the Schwarzenegger budget cuts the security presence has been limited at best . As a result , local kids made it a rite of passage to spend a night on the grounds . Cam took it a step further and brought beer . I don 't usually drink beer , but that night I drank it . When the pounding in my head ceased . I got onto my knees and dragged the box to my bookcase . Once I filled it with my copies of Doctorow and Hemingway I taped it closed and tried to decide whether to mark it storage or school . On one hand , I might need to grab my copy of Ragtime in the near future . But what if I never needed it ? As I loaded the boxes into the car , the familiar rumbling of a rocket launch from Vandenberg broke the silence of the afternoon . I didn 't look up , the days when that was cool had passed long ago . Instead I continued loading the car while the rumble slowly faded back to silence . When I finished , I leaned against the side door to wait for my family to see me off . My phone vibrated again . When I took it out the notification read , " Instagram : cam805 just posted a photo . " I opened Instagram to look at the post . It was the two of us when we were kids . Cam was wearing his royal blue youth football jersey , something he would wear for most of his life , and I the yellow hoodie I used to wear all the time . " # tbt me & my day1 back in the day , " read the caption . " Good luck at Cal ! " No doubt similar pictures of Cam in a football uniform and me in civilian clothing were out there somewhere . But looking at this one was like looking at an ancient relic from days long ago , back when watching rocket launches was cool . Cam called those days at Miguelito " the good ole ' days " and maybe they were . Back then when there was a rocket launch , the entire school would rush out of class to watch . Seeing those long lines of white steam exit the blue and enter the black was so bewitching to my 10 - year - old self . It made me wonder when the blue ended and black began . In those days after school , I 'd walk with Cam to his grandfather , Mr . Ruiz 's house and wait for Mom to get off work . Mr . Ruiz had lived in Lompoc his entire life and he would always tell us stories about what the town was like before we were born . Like how back in the ' 60s all of the shops closed for the day to see Bobby Kennedy pass through for his campaign , or when the city finally had to build another high school - our crosstown rival Cabrillo . Whenever he 'd tell us about these times it was always with some sort of regret that they had to pass . How Cam and I remained friends for so long I 'll never understand . We never had anything in common and even though I went to his games , it was because my parents were on the board for the youth league - I had no choice . While he was on the field I was reading in the bleachers completely uninterested and unaware of what was going on . But I guess he returned that same sentiment by being unaware of what went on in my life . He was playing and I was going through a crisis of self . The Saturday after the first week of school was when all the players in the league would have their height and weight taken so they could be sorted into age divisions . Once sorted , the coaches would draft them into teams . This was apparently a big deal and it took all day and it was why I spent one day every year for nine years in the equipment room while Dad and another board member - usually Mr . Ruiz - weighed over 200 kids and argued with their parents . Cam would have practice right after he was weighed , so I spent the day inside staring at the shelves of old helmets and shoulder pads that were the abyss . Then the older boys would come in and my attention would turn from the shelves to them stripping down to their underwear . Something made me feel like this wasn 't okay . So it was a struggle for me to look without being obvious . " It 's fine , son , " Dad once said . " We 're all men in here . " I think he thought I felt uncomfortable seeing people naked , but what was saying that supposed to achieve ? I think Mr . Ruiz saw me and knew what was going on . One year he came up to me with a Magic Treehouse book and said , " The equipment hasn 't moved . " It was easier to not look after that . I tried to write a response , but I went back to look through his profile some more . I stopped to look at a post of Cam in his football uniform and his girlfriend , Stephanie , kissing from opposite sides of a low fence . The post was captioned , " HOME OF THE BRAVES BABY ! " which was flanked by a blue heart emoji on both sides . The night it was taken , Cam was still on a victory high after Lompoc beat Cabrillo . When the fourth quarter ended , he handed me his phone and told me to take the picture . It was very uncomfortable and it didn 't help that it took a few tries to get it right . At the time Cam and Stephanie had been dating for about a year and a half . I thought she was nice , but I never thought anything more of her . As far as I was concerned , she was just another one of Cam 's pseudo - girlfriends he always seemed to have since we were 12 . And by that time , Mom didn 't like that I was becoming a third wheel . I 'd never been asked that question before . What did she mean by like ? I thought some girls in my class were cool or funny , but did that mean I liked them ? Luckily , Dad saved me from this confusion . " He 's obviously not interested into girls yet , " he interjected . " Wait till he 's 14 , he 'll be all over them . " With that deadline in mind , I turned 13 and realized that the reason I didn 't like girls was because I liked guys . I didn 't live in a homophobic environment , it was just something we never talked about . As self - important as it may sound , I actually thought I was the only guy in the world who liked other guys . In what seemed like a simple solution , I decided that I wasn 't going to like guys or girls - spoiler : it didn 't work . " God dammit ! Son ' f bitch ! " yelled a familiar voice . I looked across the street and saw our neighbor , Mr . Wold , trying to push a piece of scrap metal off his foot . When it was off , he took hold of his foot and focused on the pain . In the ' 70s and ' 80s , the Air Force began developing their own Space Shuttle program at Vandenberg . Mr . Wold was a relic from the wave of young engineers and physicists who rushed to this little hamlet on Point Conception with their families and the hopes of becoming the new Cape Canaveral . Because of this sudden influx of people , the town experienced unprecedented growth . Mr . Ruiz called it " the space rush . " Of all his stories , his favorite ones came from the space rush . He 's tell us about the kids Cam 's parents played with and how the city commissioned Mrs . Ruiz to paint a mural to welcome the new residents . But whenever he 'd tell us about when the Space Shuttle arrived , it was always with an air of hope . " We knew that the shuttle was supposed to come , " he said , " but when we looked up into the sky and saw it on top of that big plane that was when it became real . They were gonna be launching shuttles every hour . Every day . We were gonna be Cape Canaveral . That was gonna be us . " When my parents finally came outside , the goodbye process began . Whatever feelings Dad had about my leaving were gone . He gave his " I 'm proud of you " speech before checking my oil one last time and giving me a hug where - I swear - I heard a whimper . Mom cried , too . She gave her " be safe " speech and hugged me again . Mr . Wold 's scrap metal dragging briefly interrupted us . Dad looked across the street and watched through gritted teeth . Somehow he was able to say , " You need help with that , Hank ? " Mr . Wold stopped and looked up at Dad . " I don 't need no help ! " he proclaimed before loudly dragging the rusty axel through the side gate . My parents looked over and just glared at Mr . Wold 's house . " Recycling , " Dad answered just to get me to stop . He knew I was fucking with him . Even when his son was going off to college , he still found time to hate Mr . Wold . It was petty , and it was also the funniest thing in the world . Mom loved the idea of Cam and Stephanie together and to an extent I guess I did , too . Regardless of how irritated I 'd get when Cam went on his " I 'm in deep " rants , I cared about his happiness . Mom did too , but I had my suspicions that she liked it - at least partially - because I didn 't date girls . " Maybe you two need to cut your time together , " I said . " I don 't know , you know the situation better than I do . " I continued , " Once in a while you need to be a person as opposed to being part of a couple . That 's just me , though . " Cam sighed and said , " It 's just … why would I not want to be with her ? I know what you 're saying but you 'd understand if you finally found a girl . " Nothing was said until we got onto the 101 near Gaviota and Cam brought up the same subject . " Like you really need to find yourself a girl , " he said , " You 're cool and shit , you could get one . " I looked out the window across the Santa Barbara channel . The sun had settled just behind Santa Rosa Island , turning the sky into a murky shade of tangerine that sparkled off the water . The lights on the oil rigs beyond the island made them look like galleons sailing for a distant place in a distant time . The world was changing around us , and I didn 't want to have conversations like this anymore . " Look , " Cam persisted , " maybe Lompoc girls aren 't your type . I get it , not a lot to choose from . You 'll find her though . " " Sure , " I said , but I immediately realized that wasn 't a clear enough answer . " Yeah , " I added . I looked back at him . Cam was silent for a few minutes before he started nodding . " Yeah , " said Cam , " You 're one of my day ones . You liking guys or girls , isn 't gonna change that . " I was taken aback by his apathy . He treated what I just told him like he found out I cheated on a test . He looked over at me and made an assuring smirk . " We 're still cool , " he said . I hugged my parents one more time , promised to come back for the nearest holiday and then I was off . A couple blocks down , my phone started vibrating in my pocket . I pulled it out and saw that Cam was calling me before I put the phone on the center console and kept driving . I tried not to think about why he was calling , but I did find a diversion when I saw that I was running on empty . It was the only time I felt relieved that I needed to get gas . Usually I 'd go to Sunshine Market since it was the cheapest . But that was out of my way , I also didn 't want to run into Cam in case he was there . It was for the best ; he 'd ask why I didn 't answer his calls / texts and then it would turn into this big thing that neither of us wanted . I went to Circle K in the strip mall near Cajun Kitchen instead . I hated going there . To call it a strip mall was being generous . After the recession , what should have had at least nine storefronts now only had three : the grocery store Albertson 's , Beauty Connection , and - oddly enough - Radio Shack . But Albertson 's was so expensive no one ever went there . The only people there were teenagers learning how to drive and what was left of the employees . It wasn 't like the recession was the only thing that pushed Lompoc closer to the edge . When Cam and I were in middle school , Mr . Ruiz told us the Space Shuttle story . We must have heard it a thousand times by now , but it still felt fresh . " You had to be there , man , " said Mr . Ruiz . " They should have launched the shuttle from Vandenberg right from the beginning . Come on ! We have better weather than Florida . " The shuttle in Vandenberg was supposed to launch in the summer of ' 86 . But after the Challenger disintegrated in mid - flight , the Air Force halted development of their program . It wasn 't until later when I understood what that meant . That growth from the ' 70s and ' 80s slowly turned into decline . Everyone who was part of the program - except Mr . Wold , apparently - left looking for greener pastures , maybe to Cape Canaveral . While I waited for my tank to fill up , I went over to grab my phone . The screen read , " ( 2 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz " before Cam tried to call again . I put my arm down and gripped tighter , hoping it would go to voicemail quicker . When it stopped I held it up and read , " ( 3 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz . " I put the phone back in the car . Maybe he wants to say goodbye , I thought to myself , or maybe he wants to continue what happened last night ; though I was pretty clear that we were done . A month before graduation I was in a bookstore in Santa Barbara . There was no reason for me to be there . I just wanted to be there . As I browsed the aisles of shelves , I saw Stephanie . Her back was to me and I thought I 'd go up and say hi . But when I went up to her , I ended up freaking her out and she dropped her books . " Shit ! " I said , smiling in hilarity , " I 'm so sorry . " It was hard for my dumb ass to hold back laughter as we both leaned down to pick them up . Then I stopped when I saw bruises on her arms which she quickly covered with her sleeves . We looked at each other and knew there was no way out of it . She didn 't want to say it , and I didn 't want to hear it but I knew what was going on right then and there . With my tank full I drove across the parking lot to avoid the light . The faster I was out , the better . Then Cam started calling me again . In a fury , I stopped the car and picked it up . I finally had a response to his text . " Stop calling me ! ! ! " I typed into the box , " Not only are you mentally unable to make this right , it 's impossible after what you did . I can 't have this kind of poison in my life anymore . " Right when I was about to send it , I deleted all of it and cried . I 'd see Cam kiss her on the cheek and I just wanted to grab him and scream , " You fucking moron ! " I wanted to do something . I just hated that I was too much of a coward to actually do it . Then at the mission , after a few beers , I hit the limit . We were all sitting in a circle and Cam and Steph were doing their thing and he slapped her ass . My first instinct was to say something right there , but I knew that would have done more harm than good . So I asked Cam to talk with me in private . I couldn 't be in a room full of a bunch of enablers . We walked for a while on the mission grounds , mostly because I wanted to find a place that was as far from everyone else as possible . When we came to the fountain between the old pear trees , I stopped . Whether it was the shitty beer or the spirits that supposedly haunt the grounds , or the fact that it was the bare minimum of decency , I had to say something . " Hey man , " said Cam , " I just wanted to say that … I 'm really gonna miss you when you 're gone . " I looked over at to him and said nothing . " I mean … " he continued , " You 're one of my day ones , and I know you 'll be around for holidays and shit but … it won 't be the same . " What he said was heartfelt and sentimental , but I had to stay focused . No good would have come from me returning the sentimentally " Cam , " I said . " I know . " Cam smirked but I knew he was furious . " Alright , " he said as he tried to laugh it off , " So you saw some bruises . What do you think you know ? " " It 's getting late , " he interjected . " I think we 're going to call it a night . " Cam turned around to walk back to the chapel . I 've never seen a person so angry , scared , sad , and whatever else there is at the same time . I looked down and saw that Cam was closing his hands into fists and I braced for impact . But instead he took a step back and smiled in a panic . " That 's what you 're gonna do ? " Cam said , " You 're gonna tell her parents ? " I nodded . Cam stepped back again and threw his arms up and let them drop to his side , still smiling that panicked smile . " Cool , " he said , " You know , that 's fucking weak . Why not just tell the cops ? " " Shut the fuck up ! You piece of shit ! " he yelled . There was a nanosecond where I saw tears in his eyes . " You piece of shit ! " he yelled again . Cam stopped and wiped the tears from his eyes . He fell slowly and sat on the floor . " You know how happy she makes me . " he said with his head down , " She 's the only person in the world that makes me feel this way and you want to take it away . " " This isn 't about you ! " I said back . I wasn 't going to fall for it . " What I 'm doing is correct . Do you not see what you 're doing is wrong ? " Cam stopped crying and stood up . I looked at him and saw his puffy cheeks and red eyes , and I felt sorry for him . He took a deep breath and gathered himself . Cam turned away and shook his head . The silence was deathly . " So , " he said as he turned around and looked at me , " She trusted you . " Cam walked closer to me until I felt the heat from his breath on my nose . " Kinda like how you trusted me when you told me you were gay . " No , we 're not still cool . I came out to my family way before I came out to Cam . How fucking arrogant of him to think I 'd tell him before my family . Did he actually think that texting me would make me forget that he kept my gayness in case he needed it for leverage ? Or was he just really dumb ? Cam was never my friend , just like how Mr . Wold was never building a rocket . It was all just a fantasy that fooled me into thinking I had a reason to ever come back here . Fuck this place . I put the phone down and started the engine to finally leave . Then I looked in my rear - view mirror and saw what looked like standing outside . I thought I was going insane even after I turned around . I got out of the car to get a better look and it was actually her . She wasn 't the cute girl Cam and I saw in Jack in the Box a year ago . She was a completely different person . Maybe that 's why I was confused . Stephanie shrugged and said , " Anywhere . " She looked around for a long while and said , " You know I never got to thank you for what you did last night . You were gone so quick . " " I agreed and got a ride home , " said Stephanie . " Whatever you said worked ' cause it scared the shit out of him . " I nodded . She looked away as a gust a wind blew by . She needed to get out of this place as much as I did - if not more . " Where you going ? " she asked . With that , we were on the road . When we passed the closed - down drive - in , crossed over the dry riverbed and saw the eucalyptus in the distance , we knew were actually leaving . The light next to the bell that marked the El Camino Real turned red and Stephanie jumped out of the car . She ran across to the dry grass field and raised both middle fingers up towards the town . I watched her and my phone started vibrating . As suspected it was Cam calling . But before I had a chance to put it down , the ground started to shake . Another rocket , I thought . But it kept shaking , violently and ceaselessly . I saw the people in the cars around me get out and look towards the town in disbelief as more pulled to do the same . I looked over and my jaw dropped . It was a rocket , but it wasn 't coming from base . It was coming right from where my neighborhood was . I jumped out of the car and stood next to Stephanie , whose arms dropped in disbelief . He did it . That crazy motherfucker across the street actually did it . It took him more than 20 years but Mr . Wold was " gittin ' out of here . " But all I could think about was what everyone in town was doing . I thought about my parents , how relieved they must be now that Mr . Wold was fucking gone and how annoyed they must be about the crater in place of his house . I thought about Mr . Ruiz and how he 'll tell this story years from now . " There 's that pole where those kids died . " I said to him as we passed a telephone pole that stood like a column for the fallen . Adorned with candles of Saint Lawrence and dried flowers in old vases , that 's all it was to me . The pole where those kids died . " What ? " he asked . I know I 've told him this story before . In fact , I 've told it so many times he once said , " Yeah you tell me this story all the time . " " You know , " I said , " they 're the kids with their jerseys hanging in the school gym . " He nodded . I knew if I linked it with something involving sports , he would remember . God I love him . This is the first time that Sean would be meeting my family . I just wished it was for a less depressing reason . A week ago , I was sick . So sick , I had to stay home from work . I remember the sickness because with it came a tremendous sadness . " It 's Papa Lilliana … " she said . That was my grandfather . His name wasn 't Lilliana ; I don 't even know what kind of name that is . We just called him that because when Cousin Howard was little , he couldn 't say , Papa William . So he called him , " Papa Lilliana " and from that day on , that was his name . When I was five or six , I was watching TV and Papa Lilliana was watching me watch TV . That was his favorite activity . It didn 't matter what I was watching , whether it was " That 's So Raven " or one of the hundreds of silent movies Cousin Howard would force me to watch , Papa Lilliana loved looking at his granddaughter . " You 're right Pop , " he said , as he took the DVD out . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " He walked out the door and I put on " That 's So Raven . " " She looks a lot like you , Wendy , " he 'd say to my mother . And she would nod . Then he needed help eating . Two years ago he said , " Where 's Renee ? " my grandmother who had died four years prior . Last year during Christmas he looked at me and said , " Christmas hasn 't been the same since Camille left . She needs to visit once in a while . " " How 's Travis doing ? " Sean asked . I looked into the back seat and saw Travis curled in a ball sleeping and snoring . His jowls would vibrate every time air would exit his body , making him look even more comic than usual . For my degree , I had to take a Russian philosophy course . I don 't know why this course existed as oppose to Greek or Ethiopian philosophy or any other national philosophy for that matter . But the one thing I got out of it was Sean . I hate being one of those people that have this story about a hot guy looking back at them and asking to barrow a pencil resulting in love at first sight . Unfortunately , I am one of those people . The only difference is that he tapped me on the shoulder , and he asked if he could barrow a few bucks for lunch and that he 'd promise to pay me back ( he never did ) . Then we drove by my past . Lompoc cared about two things : The Old Town area , ( an area that no one ever goes to because all there is are expensive antique stores and a sushi bar ) and high school football . We passed by the center of town . That 's not a metaphor . Lompoc High School was literally in the center of town and I suppose adolescent life . The ' 50s era buildings surrounded by overgrown junipers made the school look like a rundown motel of the same era . Student murals of space travel and children watching rocket launches from Vandenberg Air Force Base didn 't help either . Yet when I looked at the school , it was like seeing an old friend at your grocery store . There was a warmth to the encounter , but to approach was never appropriate . Next to the school was the football stadium that looked like it hadn 't been updated since they replaced the wooden bleachers when I was a junior . I remember going to the games with Cousin Howard and his friends . They never actually watched the game , they didn 't really care . It was just a reason to be together with each other . The marching band would play their tribute to Queen during halftime and I would look at my cousin , a lover of the arts in his own right , and see him cringe with pure anger and disappointment . I laughed once when he stood up in the stands and yelled , " The percussion should never be louder than the winds ! " No one did anything because they knew he was right . " Freddie Mercury 's rolling in his grave right now ! " he said . We passed through town and found ourselves at the gates of The Family House . Not my family house . The Family House . I call it that because that was our clan 's gathering place during holidays , graduations and because we didn 't see each other since last Wednesday . This ranch style house with a five decade old loquat tree next to the newer olive tree was the place where we decided to have Thanksgiving Dinner in the middle of September because we were bored . It also happened to be the house my family lived in . Someone had to live in it . We parked on the curb across the street because that was the closest we would be able to get with all the cars right in front of it . I saw the younger cousins ( now teenagers ) playing football in the front yard . They reminded me of my generation of boy cousins who would always do the same . As I watched my nieces - who didn 't even say hi to me , but that 's beside point - lead my two boys under the same tree that I played under , it finally hit me . Not only was the family that I built under the tree , but so was the family I would always have . Today was the day that I was able to combine the two .
I took a moment to look around my bedroom , now filled with piles of boxes that were marked either " storage " or " school " in blue sharpie . I have too much stuff , I thought to myself . There were a lot of other things I could have been thinking about ; the party after graduation , what happened after I left last night . I just had so much crap . Dad was the only person in my sphere that was against me going to Berkeley . To him , my going there was like a personal attack as if I were running away . During our regular arguments he 'd always bring up how I got into Cal Poly and how I should go there instead . He 'd always talk about how close it was , how many people I 'd know and the convenience of it all . In his head it was the superior school . I tapped the text box to reply . As the line flashed I drew a blank . I didn 't know what to say and I could only imagine what he saw on his end . Those silent ellipses flashing as if I were writing a heartfelt message back - if he was still looking at the screen . I closed it and put my phone away . I 'll reply later . Last night a few friends and I decided to sneak into La Purisima Mission which is considered by many " paranormal experts " to be one of the most haunted places in California . Since the Schwarzenegger budget cuts the security presence has been limited at best . As a result , local kids made it a rite of passage to spend a night on the grounds . Cam took it a step further and brought beer . I don 't usually drink beer , but that night I drank it . When the pounding in my head ceased . I got onto my knees and dragged the box to my bookcase . Once I filled it with my copies of Doctorow and Hemingway I taped it closed and tried to decide whether to mark it storage or school . On one hand , I might need to grab my copy of Ragtime in the near future . But what if I never needed it ? As I loaded the boxes into the car , the familiar rumbling of a rocket launch from Vandenberg broke the silence of the afternoon . I didn 't look up , the days when that was cool had passed long ago . Instead I continued loading the car while the rumble slowly faded back to silence . When I finished , I leaned against the side door to wait for my family to see me off . My phone vibrated again . When I took it out the notification read , " Instagram : cam805 just posted a photo . " I opened Instagram to look at the post . It was the two of us when we were kids . Cam was wearing his royal blue youth football jersey , something he would wear for most of his life , and I the yellow hoodie I used to wear all the time . " # tbt me & my day1 back in the day , " read the caption . " Good luck at Cal ! " No doubt similar pictures of Cam in a football uniform and me in civilian clothing were out there somewhere . But looking at this one was like looking at an ancient relic from days long ago , back when watching rocket launches was cool . Cam called those days at Miguelito " the good ole ' days " and maybe they were . Back then when there was a rocket launch , the entire school would rush out of class to watch . Seeing those long lines of white steam exit the blue and enter the black was so bewitching to my 10 - year - old self . It made me wonder when the blue ended and black began . In those days after school , I 'd walk with Cam to his grandfather , Mr . Ruiz 's house and wait for Mom to get off work . Mr . Ruiz had lived in Lompoc his entire life and he would always tell us stories about what the town was like before we were born . Like how back in the ' 60s all of the shops closed for the day to see Bobby Kennedy pass through for his campaign , or when the city finally had to build another high school - our crosstown rival Cabrillo . Whenever he 'd tell us about these times it was always with some sort of regret that they had to pass . How Cam and I remained friends for so long I 'll never understand . We never had anything in common and even though I went to his games , it was because my parents were on the board for the youth league - I had no choice . While he was on the field I was reading in the bleachers completely uninterested and unaware of what was going on . But I guess he returned that same sentiment by being unaware of what went on in my life . He was playing and I was going through a crisis of self . The Saturday after the first week of school was when all the players in the league would have their height and weight taken so they could be sorted into age divisions . Once sorted , the coaches would draft them into teams . This was apparently a big deal and it took all day and it was why I spent one day every year for nine years in the equipment room while Dad and another board member - usually Mr . Ruiz - weighed over 200 kids and argued with their parents . Cam would have practice right after he was weighed , so I spent the day inside staring at the shelves of old helmets and shoulder pads that were the abyss . Then the older boys would come in and my attention would turn from the shelves to them stripping down to their underwear . Something made me feel like this wasn 't okay . So it was a struggle for me to look without being obvious . " It 's fine , son , " Dad once said . " We 're all men in here . " I think he thought I felt uncomfortable seeing people naked , but what was saying that supposed to achieve ? I think Mr . Ruiz saw me and knew what was going on . One year he came up to me with a Magic Treehouse book and said , " The equipment hasn 't moved . " It was easier to not look after that . I tried to write a response , but I went back to look through his profile some more . I stopped to look at a post of Cam in his football uniform and his girlfriend , Stephanie , kissing from opposite sides of a low fence . The post was captioned , " HOME OF THE BRAVES BABY ! " which was flanked by a blue heart emoji on both sides . The night it was taken , Cam was still on a victory high after Lompoc beat Cabrillo . When the fourth quarter ended , he handed me his phone and told me to take the picture . It was very uncomfortable and it didn 't help that it took a few tries to get it right . At the time Cam and Stephanie had been dating for about a year and a half . I thought she was nice , but I never thought anything more of her . As far as I was concerned , she was just another one of Cam 's pseudo - girlfriends he always seemed to have since we were 12 . And by that time , Mom didn 't like that I was becoming a third wheel . I 'd never been asked that question before . What did she mean by like ? I thought some girls in my class were cool or funny , but did that mean I liked them ? Luckily , Dad saved me from this confusion . " He 's obviously not interested into girls yet , " he interjected . " Wait till he 's 14 , he 'll be all over them . " With that deadline in mind , I turned 13 and realized that the reason I didn 't like girls was because I liked guys . I didn 't live in a homophobic environment , it was just something we never talked about . As self - important as it may sound , I actually thought I was the only guy in the world who liked other guys . In what seemed like a simple solution , I decided that I wasn 't going to like guys or girls - spoiler : it didn 't work . " God dammit ! Son ' f bitch ! " yelled a familiar voice . I looked across the street and saw our neighbor , Mr . Wold , trying to push a piece of scrap metal off his foot . When it was off , he took hold of his foot and focused on the pain . In the ' 70s and ' 80s , the Air Force began developing their own Space Shuttle program at Vandenberg . Mr . Wold was a relic from the wave of young engineers and physicists who rushed to this little hamlet on Point Conception with their families and the hopes of becoming the new Cape Canaveral . Because of this sudden influx of people , the town experienced unprecedented growth . Mr . Ruiz called it " the space rush . " Of all his stories , his favorite ones came from the space rush . He 's tell us about the kids Cam 's parents played with and how the city commissioned Mrs . Ruiz to paint a mural to welcome the new residents . But whenever he 'd tell us about when the Space Shuttle arrived , it was always with an air of hope . " We knew that the shuttle was supposed to come , " he said , " but when we looked up into the sky and saw it on top of that big plane that was when it became real . They were gonna be launching shuttles every hour . Every day . We were gonna be Cape Canaveral . That was gonna be us . " When my parents finally came outside , the goodbye process began . Whatever feelings Dad had about my leaving were gone . He gave his " I 'm proud of you " speech before checking my oil one last time and giving me a hug where - I swear - I heard a whimper . Mom cried , too . She gave her " be safe " speech and hugged me again . Mr . Wold 's scrap metal dragging briefly interrupted us . Dad looked across the street and watched through gritted teeth . Somehow he was able to say , " You need help with that , Hank ? " Mr . Wold stopped and looked up at Dad . " I don 't need no help ! " he proclaimed before loudly dragging the rusty axel through the side gate . My parents looked over and just glared at Mr . Wold 's house . " Recycling , " Dad answered just to get me to stop . He knew I was fucking with him . Even when his son was going off to college , he still found time to hate Mr . Wold . It was petty , and it was also the funniest thing in the world . Mom loved the idea of Cam and Stephanie together and to an extent I guess I did , too . Regardless of how irritated I 'd get when Cam went on his " I 'm in deep " rants , I cared about his happiness . Mom did too , but I had my suspicions that she liked it - at least partially - because I didn 't date girls . " Maybe you two need to cut your time together , " I said . " I don 't know , you know the situation better than I do . " I continued , " Once in a while you need to be a person as opposed to being part of a couple . That 's just me , though . " Cam sighed and said , " It 's just … why would I not want to be with her ? I know what you 're saying but you 'd understand if you finally found a girl . " Nothing was said until we got onto the 101 near Gaviota and Cam brought up the same subject . " Like you really need to find yourself a girl , " he said , " You 're cool and shit , you could get one . " I looked out the window across the Santa Barbara channel . The sun had settled just behind Santa Rosa Island , turning the sky into a murky shade of tangerine that sparkled off the water . The lights on the oil rigs beyond the island made them look like galleons sailing for a distant place in a distant time . The world was changing around us , and I didn 't want to have conversations like this anymore . " Look , " Cam persisted , " maybe Lompoc girls aren 't your type . I get it , not a lot to choose from . You 'll find her though . " " Sure , " I said , but I immediately realized that wasn 't a clear enough answer . " Yeah , " I added . I looked back at him . Cam was silent for a few minutes before he started nodding . " Yeah , " said Cam , " You 're one of my day ones . You liking guys or girls , isn 't gonna change that . " I was taken aback by his apathy . He treated what I just told him like he found out I cheated on a test . He looked over at me and made an assuring smirk . " We 're still cool , " he said . I hugged my parents one more time , promised to come back for the nearest holiday and then I was off . A couple blocks down , my phone started vibrating in my pocket . I pulled it out and saw that Cam was calling me before I put the phone on the center console and kept driving . I tried not to think about why he was calling , but I did find a diversion when I saw that I was running on empty . It was the only time I felt relieved that I needed to get gas . Usually I 'd go to Sunshine Market since it was the cheapest . But that was out of my way , I also didn 't want to run into Cam in case he was there . It was for the best ; he 'd ask why I didn 't answer his calls / texts and then it would turn into this big thing that neither of us wanted . I went to Circle K in the strip mall near Cajun Kitchen instead . I hated going there . To call it a strip mall was being generous . After the recession , what should have had at least nine storefronts now only had three : the grocery store Albertson 's , Beauty Connection , and - oddly enough - Radio Shack . But Albertson 's was so expensive no one ever went there . The only people there were teenagers learning how to drive and what was left of the employees . It wasn 't like the recession was the only thing that pushed Lompoc closer to the edge . When Cam and I were in middle school , Mr . Ruiz told us the Space Shuttle story . We must have heard it a thousand times by now , but it still felt fresh . " You had to be there , man , " said Mr . Ruiz . " They should have launched the shuttle from Vandenberg right from the beginning . Come on ! We have better weather than Florida . " The shuttle in Vandenberg was supposed to launch in the summer of ' 86 . But after the Challenger disintegrated in mid - flight , the Air Force halted development of their program . It wasn 't until later when I understood what that meant . That growth from the ' 70s and ' 80s slowly turned into decline . Everyone who was part of the program - except Mr . Wold , apparently - left looking for greener pastures , maybe to Cape Canaveral . While I waited for my tank to fill up , I went over to grab my phone . The screen read , " ( 2 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz " before Cam tried to call again . I put my arm down and gripped tighter , hoping it would go to voicemail quicker . When it stopped I held it up and read , " ( 3 ) missed calls from Cameron Ruiz . " I put the phone back in the car . Maybe he wants to say goodbye , I thought to myself , or maybe he wants to continue what happened last night ; though I was pretty clear that we were done . A month before graduation I was in a bookstore in Santa Barbara . There was no reason for me to be there . I just wanted to be there . As I browsed the aisles of shelves , I saw Stephanie . Her back was to me and I thought I 'd go up and say hi . But when I went up to her , I ended up freaking her out and she dropped her books . " Shit ! " I said , smiling in hilarity , " I 'm so sorry . " It was hard for my dumb ass to hold back laughter as we both leaned down to pick them up . Then I stopped when I saw bruises on her arms which she quickly covered with her sleeves . We looked at each other and knew there was no way out of it . She didn 't want to say it , and I didn 't want to hear it but I knew what was going on right then and there . With my tank full I drove across the parking lot to avoid the light . The faster I was out , the better . Then Cam started calling me again . In a fury , I stopped the car and picked it up . I finally had a response to his text . " Stop calling me ! ! ! " I typed into the box , " Not only are you mentally unable to make this right , it 's impossible after what you did . I can 't have this kind of poison in my life anymore . " Right when I was about to send it , I deleted all of it and cried . I 'd see Cam kiss her on the cheek and I just wanted to grab him and scream , " You fucking moron ! " I wanted to do something . I just hated that I was too much of a coward to actually do it . Then at the mission , after a few beers , I hit the limit . We were all sitting in a circle and Cam and Steph were doing their thing and he slapped her ass . My first instinct was to say something right there , but I knew that would have done more harm than good . So I asked Cam to talk with me in private . I couldn 't be in a room full of a bunch of enablers . We walked for a while on the mission grounds , mostly because I wanted to find a place that was as far from everyone else as possible . When we came to the fountain between the old pear trees , I stopped . Whether it was the shitty beer or the spirits that supposedly haunt the grounds , or the fact that it was the bare minimum of decency , I had to say something . " Hey man , " said Cam , " I just wanted to say that … I 'm really gonna miss you when you 're gone . " I looked over at to him and said nothing . " I mean … " he continued , " You 're one of my day ones , and I know you 'll be around for holidays and shit but … it won 't be the same . " What he said was heartfelt and sentimental , but I had to stay focused . No good would have come from me returning the sentimentally " Cam , " I said . " I know . " Cam smirked but I knew he was furious . " Alright , " he said as he tried to laugh it off , " So you saw some bruises . What do you think you know ? " " It 's getting late , " he interjected . " I think we 're going to call it a night . " Cam turned around to walk back to the chapel . I 've never seen a person so angry , scared , sad , and whatever else there is at the same time . I looked down and saw that Cam was closing his hands into fists and I braced for impact . But instead he took a step back and smiled in a panic . " That 's what you 're gonna do ? " Cam said , " You 're gonna tell her parents ? " I nodded . Cam stepped back again and threw his arms up and let them drop to his side , still smiling that panicked smile . " Cool , " he said , " You know , that 's fucking weak . Why not just tell the cops ? " " Shut the fuck up ! You piece of shit ! " he yelled . There was a nanosecond where I saw tears in his eyes . " You piece of shit ! " he yelled again . Cam stopped and wiped the tears from his eyes . He fell slowly and sat on the floor . " You know how happy she makes me . " he said with his head down , " She 's the only person in the world that makes me feel this way and you want to take it away . " " This isn 't about you ! " I said back . I wasn 't going to fall for it . " What I 'm doing is correct . Do you not see what you 're doing is wrong ? " Cam stopped crying and stood up . I looked at him and saw his puffy cheeks and red eyes , and I felt sorry for him . He took a deep breath and gathered himself . Cam turned away and shook his head . The silence was deathly . " So , " he said as he turned around and looked at me , " She trusted you . " Cam walked closer to me until I felt the heat from his breath on my nose . " Kinda like how you trusted me when you told me you were gay . " No , we 're not still cool . I came out to my family way before I came out to Cam . How fucking arrogant of him to think I 'd tell him before my family . Did he actually think that texting me would make me forget that he kept my gayness in case he needed it for leverage ? Or was he just really dumb ? Cam was never my friend , just like how Mr . Wold was never building a rocket . It was all just a fantasy that fooled me into thinking I had a reason to ever come back here . Fuck this place . I put the phone down and started the engine to finally leave . Then I looked in my rear - view mirror and saw what looked like standing outside . I thought I was going insane even after I turned around . I got out of the car to get a better look and it was actually her . She wasn 't the cute girl Cam and I saw in Jack in the Box a year ago . She was a completely different person . Maybe that 's why I was confused . Stephanie shrugged and said , " Anywhere . " She looked around for a long while and said , " You know I never got to thank you for what you did last night . You were gone so quick . " " I agreed and got a ride home , " said Stephanie . " Whatever you said worked ' cause it scared the shit out of him . " I nodded . She looked away as a gust a wind blew by . She needed to get out of this place as much as I did - if not more . " Where you going ? " she asked . With that , we were on the road . When we passed the closed - down drive - in , crossed over the dry riverbed and saw the eucalyptus in the distance , we knew were actually leaving . The light next to the bell that marked the El Camino Real turned red and Stephanie jumped out of the car . She ran across to the dry grass field and raised both middle fingers up towards the town . I watched her and my phone started vibrating . As suspected it was Cam calling . But before I had a chance to put it down , the ground started to shake . Another rocket , I thought . But it kept shaking , violently and ceaselessly . I saw the people in the cars around me get out and look towards the town in disbelief as more pulled to do the same . I looked over and my jaw dropped . It was a rocket , but it wasn 't coming from base . It was coming right from where my neighborhood was . I jumped out of the car and stood next to Stephanie , whose arms dropped in disbelief . He did it . That crazy motherfucker across the street actually did it . It took him more than 20 years but Mr . Wold was " gittin ' out of here . " But all I could think about was what everyone in town was doing . I thought about my parents , how relieved they must be now that Mr . Wold was fucking gone and how annoyed they must be about the crater in place of his house . I thought about Mr . Ruiz and how he 'll tell this story years from now . " There 's that pole where those kids died . " I said to him as we passed a telephone pole that stood like a column for the fallen . Adorned with candles of Saint Lawrence and dried flowers in old vases , that 's all it was to me . The pole where those kids died . " What ? " he asked . I know I 've told him this story before . In fact , I 've told it so many times he once said , " Yeah you tell me this story all the time . " " You know , " I said , " they 're the kids with their jerseys hanging in the school gym . " He nodded . I knew if I linked it with something involving sports , he would remember . God I love him . This is the first time that Sean would be meeting my family . I just wished it was for a less depressing reason . A week ago , I was sick . So sick , I had to stay home from work . I remember the sickness because with it came a tremendous sadness . " It 's Papa Lilliana … " she said . That was my grandfather . His name wasn 't Lilliana ; I don 't even know what kind of name that is . We just called him that because when Cousin Howard was little , he couldn 't say , Papa William . So he called him , " Papa Lilliana " and from that day on , that was his name . When I was five or six , I was watching TV and Papa Lilliana was watching me watch TV . That was his favorite activity . It didn 't matter what I was watching , whether it was " That 's So Raven " or one of the hundreds of silent movies Cousin Howard would force me to watch , Papa Lilliana loved looking at his granddaughter . " You 're right Pop , " he said , as he took the DVD out . " I 'll see you tomorrow . " He walked out the door and I put on " That 's So Raven . " " She looks a lot like you , Wendy , " he 'd say to my mother . And she would nod . Then he needed help eating . Two years ago he said , " Where 's Renee ? " my grandmother who had died four years prior . Last year during Christmas he looked at me and said , " Christmas hasn 't been the same since Camille left . She needs to visit once in a while . " " How 's Travis doing ? " Sean asked . I looked into the back seat and saw Travis curled in a ball sleeping and snoring . His jowls would vibrate every time air would exit his body , making him look even more comic than usual . For my degree , I had to take a Russian philosophy course . I don 't know why this course existed as oppose to Greek or Ethiopian philosophy or any other national philosophy for that matter . But the one thing I got out of it was Sean . I hate being one of those people that have this story about a hot guy looking back at them and asking to barrow a pencil resulting in love at first sight . Unfortunately , I am one of those people . The only difference is that he tapped me on the shoulder , and he asked if he could barrow a few bucks for lunch and that he 'd promise to pay me back ( he never did ) . Then we drove by my past . Lompoc cared about two things : The Old Town area , ( an area that no one ever goes to because all there is are expensive antique stores and a sushi bar ) and high school football . We passed by the center of town . That 's not a metaphor . Lompoc High School was literally in the center of town and I suppose adolescent life . The ' 50s era buildings surrounded by overgrown junipers made the school look like a rundown motel of the same era . Student murals of space travel and children watching rocket launches from Vandenberg Air Force Base didn 't help either . Yet when I looked at the school , it was like seeing an old friend at your grocery store . There was a warmth to the encounter , but to approach was never appropriate . Next to the school was the football stadium that looked like it hadn 't been updated since they replaced the wooden bleachers when I was a junior . I remember going to the games with Cousin Howard and his friends . They never actually watched the game , they didn 't really care . It was just a reason to be together with each other . The marching band would play their tribute to Queen during halftime and I would look at my cousin , a lover of the arts in his own right , and see him cringe with pure anger and disappointment . I laughed once when he stood up in the stands and yelled , " The percussion should never be louder than the winds ! " No one did anything because they knew he was right . " Freddie Mercury 's rolling in his grave right now ! " he said . We passed through town and found ourselves at the gates of The Family House . Not my family house . The Family House . I call it that because that was our clan 's gathering place during holidays , graduations and because we didn 't see each other since last Wednesday . This ranch style house with a five decade old loquat tree next to the newer olive tree was the place where we decided to have Thanksgiving Dinner in the middle of September because we were bored . It also happened to be the house my family lived in . Someone had to live in it . We parked on the curb across the street because that was the closest we would be able to get with all the cars right in front of it . I saw the younger cousins ( now teenagers ) playing football in the front yard . They reminded me of my generation of boy cousins who would always do the same . As I watched my nieces - who didn 't even say hi to me , but that 's beside point - lead my two boys under the same tree that I played under , it finally hit me . Not only was the family that I built under the tree , but so was the family I would always have . Today was the day that I was able to combine the two .
I try to go for a walk with Baby at least once a day , weather permitting . Lately it has been raining on and off , so I haven 't wanted to venture out for fear of getting caught in a surprise rain shower . Baby has an Evenflo Travel Stroller System that I find works great for our daily walks . She sits in the carseat part and can look at me as I push her along . If it gets too sunny , there are two sunshades , one from either direction , that I can choose to put up . Or if she is crying , it does a nice job of muffling her . Seriously . I hate to have people hear her cry . Usually it 's just because she is fighting going to sleep . She fights sleep with a passion . Walking is my only exercise as of late . It 's hard to find time to exercise when I am taking care of Baby . When she takes her long nap , that 's when I do laundry , dishes , eat lunch , prepare dinner ( which we later reheat when Husband comes home ) , and write my blogs . If I 'm lucky , I might lay down for a nap as well ( Baby usually senses when I want to do this and thus refuses to fall asleep , so I usually never get a nap . ) . Therefore , I really do make it a priority to take a daily walk with her . Plus , she gets fresh air and her daily dose of Vitamin D . Usually I can finagle someone to go along with me . My sister comes , or my mother , or Husband , if he is home at the time ( that 's rare , though ) . I don 't mind going by myself , because then I can walk as fast as I can . I tried jogging , but this stroller is not meant for such speeds and gets caught . ( I 'm looking into getting a jogging stroller so I can move a little faster . ) However , the real reason I like people to go with me is so I don 't get lost . You may laugh , but it is very true . I am one of those people who can 't find their way out of a paper bag . Or around their own backyard . Or , in my case , my own neighborhood . I 'm very serious here . Those who know me automatically give me directions whenever I go somewhere . If I drive to the local store , my family members will tell me when and where to turn . And don 't get me started on baPosted by When people found out I was having a girl , the giving began . And not just from friends with children . From everyone . I got tons of beautiful items for my baby girl . Dresses , onesies , little pant sweatsuits , headbands , you name it , it was probably given to me . I was so excited for all the wonderful things my baby would be able to use and wear . A few days before I had Baby , my girlfriend and I organized Baby 's room . We put her little outfits together , and arranged the clothes hanging in her closet by size . Her closet was so full I ended up adding another closet bar , making two rows of hanging clothes . Two closet bars completely full . Now you can see how blessed Baby was even before she came into this world . Periodically I have been going through Baby 's closet and rotating her clothes so that she has a chance to wear them all . As she grows out of something I move it to the far end of the closet . Her preemie outfit that she fit into when she was born is back there , as are most of the newborn sizes she has outgrown . When I move new clothes forward , I compare them to make sure they will fit her . Have you ever noticed how different brands are sized completely differently ? Baby is wearing 3 - 6 months in one brand , 3 months in another , and is still at newborn in some . This can get confusing , considering my closet goes by size . Now I actually have to pull outfits out and hold them up to her , disregarding the size it actually says . I constantly rifle through her clothes to make sure I don 't miss any . I want her to be able to experience every outfit before she grows too big . Well , the other day I discovered that I missed one . It had been hiding behind a six month outfit of a similar color ( granted , most of them are pink , so it 's easy for them to blend together ) . It was a cute pant and shirt set . The shirt was white with little tropical flowers , and the pants were pink with a giant flower on one leg . Super cute , but way too small for Baby , being that it was newborn size . I was so disappointed Baby didn 't have a chance to modelPosted by Baby skipped a diaper size . Granted , she is growing bigger and bigger every day , but this wasn 't due to her growth . Oh no , it was due to me being a new mommy and not knowing any better . The other day I went over to a friend 's house with Baby . Of course I had to change Baby when we were there , so I did it on the floor in front of my friend . My friend is the mother of three wonderful children and has taken care of other babies from time to time . I tend to trust her judgment when it comes to kids , and ask her advice on thins as well . As she saw me change Baby , she commented that the diapers Baby was wearing were too small , and showed me how she could tell . Why didn 't I learn this in my baby care class ? Or even my birthing class ( we covered baby care in that one , too ) ? Now that I think about it , nobody even showed us how to put a diaper on a baby . The focus was more on swaddling . I think they were assuming everyone already knew how to put a diaper on . I think that should have been covered , because you just never know . I used to babysit when I was younger . A lot . I have changed countless diapers in my time , on different sized children . It wasn 't that hard , and I had no problem doing it . All the items I needed were given to me and I just went from there . I never had to figure out the specific size that went on the child . It was provided for me . Now faced with the challenge of correctly sizing my child , I was at a loss . I was going by the weight guidelines on the diaper itself . Did you know that those overlap ? So technically a child can fit into two sizes at once . How do I know which one to uses ? My friend kindly pointed out that it 's not necessarily the weight , but the fit of the diaper . It needs to stretch wide enough across Baby 's tummy so that the flaps on the front of the diaper can meet the back of the diaper . Hopefully that makes sense . I did not know that . I had heard somewhere that it needed to go up to Baby 's belly button , but that was it . That explains why most of Baby 's diapers had leaked . They were too smalI went home and switched diapers to the next size up . I told Husband about it , and he told me he could make the other ones fit just fine ( I think he was joking . ) . Now I have a couple of unused smaller diapers . Hopefully the stores will let me take the packages back . Since the switch , I haven 't had any more leaky diapers . Posted by The first time today was in the waiting room of the pediatric section of the hospital . I hadn 't taken the time to put Baby in anything cute because she was just going to see the doctor naked anyway . What 's the point ? A teenage girl nearby started smiling and waving at us , then told us we had a cute little boy . I said girl , and she apologized and said it was hard to tell . That 's ok . It is hard to tell if I don 't make it obvious . The next part was on our way out of the hospital . An elderly lady asked me how old she was , then said she was a nice looking boy . I corrected her and said girl . The lady then told me that I should use Scotch tape to put a bow in her hair so people don 't get confused . I looked at her with a funny look , and she said really , that 's what she used to do with her daughter . I do believe this was before headbands were invented . But I was polite . I just nodded and smiled , then went on my way . ( I do have a friend who put personal lubricant on bows to stick them on her daughter 's heads ( they didn 't have hair ) , but that 's a different story altogether . ) I 'm a big , fat liar . And I think I 'm good at it , too . Baby had her two month check up appointment today . I was dreading it because this is the appointment where she is supposed to get her shots . This is a huge , gigantic , major , extreme , and all the other adjectives you can think of , controversial issue . To vaccinate or not vaccinate ? Well , it depends who you talk to , and of course they can all give you the reasons why . But that 's another post altogether . I was so torn and dreading today because I hadn 't made up my mind as to what I wanted to do about her shots . I had been putting off doing the research and by the time I remembered , it was ten minutes before we had to leave for her appointment . So here I was on the computer googling everything I could about two month baby vaccinations until Husband pulled me away . On the car ride there I talked it over with him , and he basically said it was in my hands . Thanks . Now if I choose to vaccinate , I can be blamed if she reacts to the shots . Or I can be blamed if she comes down with Polio because I decided not to vaccinate . Too much pressure . We got to the hospital and checked in . The nurse led us to the exam room where we undressed Baby and weighed her on the little baby scale . She is now a full 11 . 5 pounds . I actually thought she would weigh more , but I 'm ok with 11 . 5 . It 's hard to carry the carseat with her in it . The the nurse stretched Baby out and measured her at 22 . 5 inches long . She 's definitely growing . The doctor came in and asked us about her habits . How often does she eat ( every three to four hours , which is normal for a breastfed baby ) , when does she go to bed ( around nine is what we aim for ) , and how often does she wake up during the night ( every three to four hours ) . When we talked about times that she wakes up during the night , the doctor was very sympathetic to me . I liked that . Here comes the part where I 'm a liar . The doctor then asked if she slept in a crib or a bassinet . Last appointment I said that she sometimes slept in the bed with me and got a huge lecture on not having the baby sleep with me for various reasons . I was guilted into saying I would put her in the bassinet or crib from then on . Well , if you 've read my previous posts you would know that Baby still sleeps in the bed with me . Did I tell that to the doctor ? Oh no . I told her she sleeps in the bassinet in our bedroom . Then we moved on . I asked about her elf ears and the doctor just said it is because her cartilage is soft . The ears are already formed and will not grow into a point . I hope she 's right . I 'm going to be keeping an eye on them anyway . The doctor then listened to her heartbeat , checked out her limbs and her head , put her on her tummy , and declared her perfect . I already knew that . The doctor noted her head control and was very impressed . Baby has been holding her head on her own for a while , but I guess it 's not that common . Yes , she 's advanced for her age and I 'm proud . We also got to see the little growth charts for her height , weight , and head circumference . So far she has stayed pretty much on the same curve , except for her head , which jumped to a higher percentile . She has her daddy 's head . We then talked about the immunizations . I asked which ones she was scheduled to get , and if she could tell us about them . She was actually a lot better than I thought she would be with my questions . She showed us out and then we either went to get shots and then went home , or we went home . Because this is a public blog and I don 't want a lot of judgment about my choice , I 'm not going to say what I did at this point in time . However , I can say that I am happy with the choice I did make and feel at peace with myself about it . Hopefully all will be well with Baby because of it . The first time it happened was at a social gathering . She was wearing a brown onesie with a cute kitten and pink ball of yarn on the front . Her pants were pink with brown polka dots , and Husband was holding her pink blanket under her . The elderly gentleman commented on what a cute baby it was , and then asked if it was a boy or girl . Husband and I immediately said girl , and the gentleman looked a little offended . Then he took a closer look at her and corrected himself ; " Oh , I guess she is wearing pink . " The second time it happened I was at the mall sitting on a bench with her . She was wearing a turquoise outfit ; a turquoise and purple onesie and matching pants . I had even found a perfectly matching turquoise headband with a little bow to go with it . An older lady came up to me and asked me how old my baby was . Then she told me her daughter was expecting a baby boy in a few weeks . Then she asked if my baby was a boy . Not boy or girl . Just boy . After I told her my baby was a girl , she noticed the headband . I told her that 's why I put the headband on her , so it 's easier to tell . Is it really that hard to tell the difference between a boy baby and girl baby ? I can understand if the baby is wearing completely neutral colors , with all neutral items nearby , but if there are specific colors involved , just take an educated guess . I can see why we have stereotypes and make colors specific to one gender or another . However , there are still some people who just don 't get it . Plus , who would put a headband with a bow on a baby boy ? This day marks a momentous day for me . It is a day that I was able to smile wide and jump up and down with joy . " What did Baby do ? " you might ask . Baby who ? Oh yeah , the reason for this blog . Well , Baby did her normal Baby things , but this post ( not unlike many others ) is selfishly about me . Today I tried on a pair of my pre - pregnancy jeans . If you recall a previous post about trying on pre - pregnancy pants , it was an utter fiasco . I couldn 't even get them up over my hips . Well , today was very different . I held my breath as I pulled on a pair of my favorite jeans , and slowly inched them up over my expanded thighs and hips . Then , I zipped and buttoned them . Wait , buttoned ? Yes , I said buttoned ! Granted , they may be a pair of ultra low rise , super stretchy jeans , and I may have a muffin top and have to suck in my stomach so I don 't pop a button , but let me have my moment here . The booger sucker thing is the best toy for parents . I know , it 's called an aspirator , but I can never remember that and it 's just more fun to call it the booger sucker . I have a bulb syringe aspirator that we may or may not have stolen from the hospital ( I 'm pretty sure we were supposed to take it . ) . When Baby had a cold not too long ago I was able to use it to help her breathe better . I was able to use it again last night when I could hear her breathing getting muffled . She also started this whistling noise through her nose , which drove me bonkers . So at two this morning ( last night , really ) I pulled out the booger sucker and went to town . The funny thing is that I think she sees me get really excited about it , so she smiles and laughs when I do it . Then we play a game of who can get the booger . I try to suck it out , she breathes it back it . This goes on for a few seconds until inevitably one of us wins or she gets fussy and we call a truce until later . It 's a game every parent plays , I 'm sure . I gave birth to an elf . Yes , you read right . I have a baby elf . At least it looks like it , anyway . My baby has pointy ears . Now while this may be cute now , I do not want her being made fun of when she goes to school . When she sleeps , she lays her head on one side or the other . When I nurse , she is on one side or the other . When she plays , she turns her head from side to side . When doing all of this , her ears turn in on themselves , causing there to be a point at the tip . She has been doing this for a couple of months now , so her ears are starting to form a point at the top . I just noticed this not to long ago . Now when I lay her down or see her lying on one side , I try to push her ear back into its normal position . Unfortunately , this causes her to move her head again , and the ear goes back into its fold . So I try again . And she moves again . It 's a vicious cycle . We have her two month doctor 's appointment coming up , so I 'm going to ask the pediatrician her advice on this problem . You know , before we go , maybe I can Google it to come up with a few ideas . Today we went to a birthday party for a one year old . There was a really cute princess theme and a lot of people there . We figured Baby did fine over Easter , so the party would be ok . The party was about an hour away , so Baby slept on the way there . We got there and she was starting to get fussy , but everyone wanted to ooh and aah over her anyway . I know a couple of the kids there were getting over being sick , so I was a little worried . However , she is two months now , so she should be exposed to more people . When she got really fussy I took her to the back room and nursed her . She was really tired , but didn 't want to fall asleep . I stayed in the back with her for a while , but she wasn 't drifting off so I took her back out . She got fussy again so Husband took her and tried to rock her to sleep . She was almost there when different noises from the party woke her up . I ate , then took over from Husband to try to get her to sleep . It didn 't happen , so we decided to leave and hope that she fell asleep on the ride home . Thankfully she did . That party was not as successful as Easter , even though it was nice to see some friends we hadn 't seen in a while . I love holding Baby as she sleeps . She used to nurse herself to sleep , but she doesn 't do that anymore . Instead she gets really fussy and I know that means she is tired . With my new glider I am able to shush and rock her to sleep . It 's so precious to watch her as she makes her little noises and moves around . She is a very active sleeper ! She will make little smiles , or cries , or move her little hands . It 's so cute and just melts my heart . My Baby . Baby woke up today . That 's the only way I know how to put it . She hit the two month mark and she just suddenly seems like a baby now and no longer a newborn . She watches us as we do something , she smiles , she laughs . It 's like she 's now a little person . It is the coolest thing ! She does regress , though . Husband and I watched The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr . Harvey Karp to help us with her nightly crying . He is an expert on calming babies and has a strategy of five S 's ( Swaddle , Shush , Side , Swing , Suck - or something like that ) . We tried swaddling her and she absolutely hates it , but shushing near her ear helps a lot , as does swinging her and putting her on her side . She responds to white noise when getting fussy as well . This would be considered shushing . When driving I put the radio to static and it helps quiet her . When she is in her swing ( it 's in the kitchen ) , I turn on the overhead fan for the stove . That helps her settle down as well . And at night , we run a cool mist humidifier that produces a lot of white noise . She seems to be doing better with her crying at night , but it was not fun . I can 't imagine how tough it is for parents of really colicky babies . I had so much fun dressing Baby up in a cute , frilly dress and matching head band . She looked adorable , if I do say so myself . It was her big debut , so to speak . We decided to take her to church today , and then to an Easter party after . Despite the fact that she still hasn 't had her shots , she 's practically two months old so we thought it should be fine . We can 't be too overprotective . Church went well . She slept in her carseat for the first half , then I nursed her for the second . After the service everyone oohed and aahed over her . I loved it . We then went to the Easter Party . My friend throwing it was very respectful of my wishes and made it clear that no one would be holding her there . There were a lot of families with children and I just didn 't feel comfortable with many people holding her yet . Baby was very attentive to everything going on and soaked it all in with her big , blue eyes . Eventually she tired of the action and I nursed her to sleep . Surprisingly she slept for an hour in the back room . When she woke up she started fussing so we took our food to go . She had a big day . Baby acne has finally cleared up . I think all the breastmilk may have helped ! However , it has been replaced by very dry skin and cradle cap . Cradle cap is like an extreme case of dandruff in babies . It is also caused by my hormones . It looks like she is shedding her scalp and replacing it with a new one . I 'm glad she has hair to hide it . Google says to just brush it out with a soft bristle brush , so that is what I have been doing . I also read that breastmilk can help it as well , although I don 't really have enough milk to rub into her scalp . I might try a little , though . This has been one of the roughest weeks so far . Mother in law ( Grandma S ) came to stay with us this past week . I had high hopes for her getting Baby to take the bottle . She is so good with animals that I thought it might carry over to babies . Apparently not . It was even worse than that ; every time Grandma S held her she would cry . Seriously , like every time . Baby 's baby acne was also at its peak this week , as well as her fussiness . She decided that she wanted to scream each night from around six to nine . Yup , for three hours at a time pretty much every night . Needless to say , it was not fun . I spent most of my time trying to quiet her , and felt bad that Grandma S wasn 't getting time to spend with her . It was nice having Grandma S here , and Husband took off time from work to be with her since she lives across the continent . They were able to spend quality time together . They ended up planting a flower garden and a vegetable garden in our backyard . They also organized the garage . Husband felt very accomplished . I , on the other hand , was also having a rough week . This week I think my hormones were starting to plummet . Baby and I were on the same page . Before giving birth I had wondered about the so - called " Baby Blues " and worried if I would experience that . Well , the first few weeks after labor came and went and I was flying high . However , this week I just felt really frustrated and perhaps a little let down . Husband wasn 't living up to my expectations , and being a mommy was becoming a little more challenging . It doesn 't help that she won 't take a bottle , so I feel rather trapped . I had a couple of days of crying , talking to my mother , and I feel much better now . I tried to be serious with Husband , and hopefully he understood where I was coming from . I think it 's hard for him to understand that it isn 't as easy as one might think : I 'm not sleeping at night , doing all the housework during the day , and taking care of Baby twenty - four seven . It can get pretty exhausting . I absolutely love my baby swing . It 's a Nature 's Touch Cradle Swing and it was given to me by a friend of mine who used it for her son . It has this really cool feature where you can choose which way it rocks . We had it going front to back , but Baby didn 't like that at all . My friend showed me how to rotate it so it swings from side to side . Well that worked like magic . Baby loves it ! I was putting her down for naps in her crib . She would sleep for maybe half an hour to forty - five minutes at a time . Then I discovered the power of this swing . I put her in there when she start to yawn and she slowly drifts off to sleep . No crying , no fussing , she just slowly closes her little eyes . There she will stay for a couple of hours . Yes , I said hours . It gives me time to get dinner cooked and do a load of laundry , as well as anything else I need to do , like take a nap . Now you see why I love this thing . I had a doctor 's appointment today . I have been having very painful muscle spasms between my shoulder blades , and Husband made me schedule an appointment . I 've had about three in the past three weeks . They are so incredibly painful that I roll around on the floor in pain until they stop . I 'm not kidding ; that 's why Husband made me call the doctor . The doctor asked me questions and felt my back . She was thinking of prescribing a muscle relaxer , but changed her mind when I told her I was breastfeeding . Instead she gave me prescription Motrin . It really bugs me when doctors just prescribe medicine . That will just mask the pain , not get rid of the cause . I asked her what I could do physically to make it go away . She said my trapezius muscle is overworked due to constantly hunching over to feed and hold the baby , which is causing the pain . She gave me pain meds , told me to sit up straight and get a rocking chair . Husband actually just went out and got me one . Now I have a really comfortable glider chair . I did not sleep well last night . Wait , let me rephrase that . Baby did not sleep well last night , so mommy did not sleep well . She has started this thing where she will scream for twenty minutes or so before bedtime , and nothing we do can calm her down . Usually I can calm her anytime by sticking my boob in her mouth , but the past two nights it has not worked . Then , she wakes me up at three this morning grunting and whining to pass gas and poop . She did this off and on until seven . By then she got it all out and we both fell back asleep til 10 . I really have to figure out what I ate that upset her tummy so much . Don 't want to go through that again . Needless to say , I 'm tired . I never knew there was such a thing as baby acne until Baby got it bad . I didn 't even know babies could get acne ! According to Google ( which is totally reliable , I know ) , she 's one of the lucky 20 % of babies who get it . It 's the result of my hormones leaving her system . They were floating around in there for the past six weeks until her body decided it was time to kick them out . It is so not pretty , and seems to be getting worse . Her face is all red and pimply . I just want it gone by next week because Husband 's mom is coming in . I want her to see her granddaughter at her best . The best thing to do for it is just keep her face clean ( duh ! ) . I also read that putting breastmilk on her face will help it clear up faster . Apparently breastmilk is the cure all for everything . Kind of like Windex from My Big Fat Greek Wedding . I think I am going to try it . Oh , and if you 're wondering what breastmilk tastes like , it 's like really watered down milk mixed with sugar . It 's sweet . I went shopping with my sister and Husband watched Baby for me . I was gone for about an hour and a half . I left when she was asleep and came home to find her crying in Husband 's arms . He tried to feed her , but she only took a little bit before she realized she 'd been tricked . This was a different nipple , so I think this one might be more successful than the others we 've tried . Oh well , we 're working on it ! On a positive note , I did get a couple of nice nursing tops while I was out . I was very excited the other day because Baby finally drank from a bottle . This one was the Nuk Orthodontic . My sister had come over to hang out and I nonchalantly asked her if she wanted to feed Baby . I did not mention the fact that Baby had been absolutely refusing to take it from us . She said sure , and Baby took it . I was so excited that I took multiple pictures as proof that she could actually do it . I told my sister that she was amazing , and was starting to feel hopeful that maybe I could be away from Baby for a few hours and not worry about her going hungry . Well it turns out Baby had a cold . She had a little temperature , was really congested , and started spitting up a ton ( usually she doesn 't spit up at all ) . Everything I read said at the first sign of illness in a child less than three months , you have to call the docotr . So I did , and took her in . $ 15 later they told me she had a cold and just to watch her . I totally could have told them that ! Oh well . They just wanted to make sure it was nothing serious , which I suppose I appreciate . Maybe . Today was my six week appointment after delivery . I brought Baby with me since Husband was working and I didn 't have anyone to watch her . Plus , she 's still not taking a bottle so she would have just ended up going hungry . I carried her in the carseat , although I did debate putting the Moby Wrap on . Then I figured that would be silly because where would I put her when I was laying on the table and they checked me ? So the carseat it was . I think my muscles were sore after that because I had to park a few rows away . The appointment went well . The nurse weighed me and took my blood pressure . This was the first time I had been weighed after giving birth . I really didn 't want to see how much weight I had to lose . I still don 't fit into my prepregnancy clothes , so I know I have a ways to go . Well , it turns out that I had lost twenty - five pounds . I gained forty - two pounds when I was pregnant , and we 're just going to round that to an even forty . That means only fifteen pounds to go . But my milk has also come in , and I have cleavage I never had before , so we 'll take off another five . Hey , I only have ten pounds to lose . I can do that ! The nurse led me to a waiting room where I had to put on a blue paper gown and sit and wait . The doctor was late , as usual , so I wasn 't surprised . Baby was fast asleep in the carseat for the first twenty minutes that I waited , then she woke up crying so I decided to feed her . Of course that 's when the doctor decided to make her appearance . Fortunately she said I could continue nursing while she checked me out . Kind of weird , but it worked . The doctor deemed me healed , which I know Husband will be exceptionally glad to hear . I packaged Baby back up in the carseat and headed home . For the past week or so I have been up every night from three to six am with Baby . For some reason , those happen to be her witching hours where she acts like the world is against her . Needless to say , I am super tired and hoping she 'll grow out of this phase ASAP . Husband has been back at work for a few weeks and has been begging me to bring Baby by . Today Baby and I went to meet him for lunch . He works about forty - five minutes away from our home , so it 's a little bit of a drive . Baby fell asleep in her carseat on the way there , and stayed asleep while I carried her in . Husband showed Baby off to a few people , and then she woke up crying . I nursed her for a little bit , but then we had to go eat ourselves sine this was Husband 's lunch time . We went to a fifties diner nearby and I carried Baby in the Moby Wrap . I hadn 't really used it before , but figured I should start . It 's a lot easier than carrying a carseat around . I don 't have the muscles for that ! With some difficulty , I wrapped the Moby on and stuck Baby in the breastfeeding position . She latched on and I ended up feeding her throughout or lunch . We even walked around afterward and she remained latched . The Moby was great because I didn 't have to worry about putting a blanket over her / me ( it has enough fabric for that ) , and it was easy to carry her in . I don 't like the amount of fabric it does have , and it feels bulky to me , but it worked . I said goodbye to Husband at work and Baby and I drove home . Baby decided to scream for the first and last twenty minutes or so , but once I got home I stuck her back on and she was fine . Today I ventured out to a restaurant with Baby to have lunch with a pregnant friend . I picked a place where I could sit in a booth and feed her if necessary ( remember that this child eats all the time ) . I had a nice time hanging out with my friend and sharing my birth story . Baby did great sitting in her carseat , and when I was about halfway through my meal decided she was hungry . I had my Udder Cover and nursed her right there in the booth . I think we were there for a while because the waitress came by and ( it seemed to me ) , tried to hurry us out . I felt proud that I was able to bring Baby and hang out with a girlfriend at the same time . I 'm still a little apprehensive about nursing in public , even though I know I shouldn 't be . It 's a very natural thing , and it 's not like I 'm showing myself off to everyone ; I 'm very covered up . Baby is one month old today ! It 's weird how my life has totally changed because of her . I love holding her and nursing her , although I don 't love the lack of sleep or not being able to do anything . I am starting to get better , though . I used to be one of those people who could get a lot accomplished at once . Now I am learning how to set reasonable goals so that I can still feel like I am a normal person . For example , one goal for the day might be to do a load of laundry . Or load the dishwasher . Or vacuum . It has been frustrating feeling like I am tied down , but I am learning to take things in stride . I mean , the dishes don 't really need to be done at this point in time , and I can just rewear my maternity jeans another day . Today we decided to take Baby to a friend 's going away party . I really wanted to go because I didn 't think we would see this friend again and wanted a chance to say goodbye . Husband and I debated about it because Baby is so young and there will probably be children at this party and we really don 't want her to get sick . In the end we decided to go , and I am glad we did . It gave me a chance to get out a see people we haven 't seen in a while . Plus , I got to show off Baby . Baby lasted about ten minutes at the party before she was hungry . I then spent the rest of our time there in a back room feeding her . Then we went home . It was nice that a few of the ladies did come back to say hi to me . A note for females with breastfeeding friends - do go say hello to them when they are back there alone . It is nice to have modesty , but company is better , at least for me anyway . Just ask if they mind if you hang out , and you can go from there . We have been trying to get Baby to take a bottle so that I would not be the only one able to feed her . I would like to be able to go out on my own , as well as let Husband in on the wonderful world of feeding . I have been pumping and have some milk stored up . I had Googled some ideas of when to do it , and everything suggested around three to four weeks so that the baby did not have nipple confusion . I really didn 't want her to prefer the bottle over me , so we have just now started trying . Unfortunately , I 'm beginning to think we should have started sooner , as she will have nothing to do with a bottle . We 're just going to have to keep practicing . Basically it just takes patience . I may have to go back to work eventually . Putting Baby down for a nap is my biggest struggle right now . Once she know she isn 't in my arms any more she starts to scream and wakes herself back up . Oh well . We 're working on it . In other news , I tried to put on a pair of my normal jeans this morning . Couldn 't even get them up over my hips . What was I thinking trying on a pair of pre - pregnancy jeans ? Guess I can 't put the maternity pants away just yet . After I first gave birth I was surprised at how large my stomach still was . It looked like I was still eight months pregnant ! I know people had warned me that I wouldn 't be back to my normal size , but after pushing out a six pound baby along with some fluid and placenta , I had hoped I 'd be a little smaller than that . Nursing has definitely helped me go down in size . Each week , I look a month less pregnant ( The first week I looked eight months , the second week I looked seven months , and so on . ) . Hopefully this trend will continue . Oh , and nobody ever mentioned how painful it is when your uterus contracts ! Oh my goodness , I felt like I was having contractions all over again , and then I had flashbacks to delivery and pushing out a baby and would start to freak out . Thankfully Motrin has been there to save me . Talk about no sleep ! I 've never been this tired in my life ! It 's not like in college when you could pull an all nighter but have the promise of sleep after class . Nope , there is no hope for months ! I was putting Baby in the bassinet , but she wakes up so often that I get more sleep if she just sleeps next to me in bed . Our current sleeping arrangement is her and I in our queen bed while Husband sleeps on the pull out couch next to us . I try to put her to sleep at nine , and then I go to bed . Baby wakes up between midnight and one , so I get about three hours solid there . Then she eats , and wakes up again around two . Then four . Then five thirty . Then seven . Then nine . That 's when I drag myself out of bed and start the day . I get maybe hour to an hour and a half blocks at a time . Baby doesn 't have to eat each time ( only every three hours ) , but her little tummy wakes her up when she has to poo . It hurts her , poor thing , and she wakes up crying and upset until she pushes it out . I asked the doctor and doctor said it was normal for babies to fuss when they poo or have gas . I have to wonder , though . This seems rather extreme . I 'm not an expert on newborns , but I haven 't heard anyone else talk about this . Therefore , I decided to google my little probem ( Ah , Google , my old friend , I have returned . ) . Google suggested I cut milk products out of my diet to see if that made a difference . A lot of babies have a hard time digesting dairy proteins ( dairy is anything that comes from cows ) . These proteins can stay in my body for a few weeks and come out through my milk . That means no ice cream , yogurt , cheese , and chocolate for weeks ! But if it lets me get some sleep , I think I can try it . I started to cut out dairy , but then Husband 's family came in and bought us all kind of yummy foods and I really couldn 't say no to their generosity . I 'm going to start working on it again and try to eat really bland things and see if that makes a difference . I hope so , then her and I can get some more sleep . We had our first over night visitors this weekend . My father in law , Grandpa R , came to visit with his girlfriend . I was a little stressed out because I wasn 't sure how Baby would do with overnight company . Plus , who wants to breastfeed in front of their father in law ? Grandpa R adored Baby and loved to hold her and rock her and sing to her . It was the sweetest thing . I just know that she will be spoiled , and I am OK with that . When it was time to nurse , I would sit in the recliner with an Udder Cover over Baby . It was awkward , but I didn 't want to disappear into another room . Let me just reiterate that Baby wants to be stuck to me All . The . Time . Grandpa R and girlfriend offered to watch Baby so Husband and I could go out for dinner one night , which was wonderful of them to do . However , Baby isn 't taking a bottle , so we can 't leave her . I told him to put a rain check on that offer and we 'll use it in the near future . I am going to try to start Baby on a bottle this week . I was hoping to do it this weekend , but that would have been overly stressful with everyone here . Luckily the Olympics were on that weekend . So we watched them . Hours and hours and hours of the Olympics . They 're great and all , but I can only take so many hours of curling . Husband and his dad ended up going out a few times , which was nice for them . I was home with the girlfriend , who is very kind and helpful , but I desperately wanted to nap and was too polite to leave her . Needless to say , it was exhausting . Baby had her two week appointment today . She is doing great , and gaining a lot of weight . She is up two pounds from her birth weight . I told you she was stuck to me all of the time . She wasn 't as good at this doctor 's appointment . She cried while the doctor checked her out . We were told we have a baby with a temper . Hmm , wonder whose side of the family that comes from . My weeks and days have been flying by . I have a two week old now ! Thankfully Husband has another week off from work before he goes back . He originally had only two , but he requested one more since I am still in pain and not able to move around all that easily . I 'm not sure what I will do without him . I seem to have a very clingy child ( I don 't really mind ! ) , but it makes it difficult to get anything done . Husband bought me a few novels to read so that I 'm not just watching TV all day long . He has been very productive , on the other hand . Since he 's been off , he decided to organize his office and hang pictures on the walls . He thinks it makes our house look more like a home ( we just moved here in November , so we haven 't settled in completely ) . We have also been taking advantage of visitors bringing us meals . We love it ! The best thing to give to a family with a new baby are premade meals . On top of that , feel free to do any housework ( i . e . dishes , laundry , yardwork , etc . ) . Husband and I were talking , and we really don 't know how single mothers do it . I am very thankful for all the support I 've had . I am trying to read to my baby girl . Some may say it is too soon to start , but we started reading to her in utero . Husband would read a book to her every night . Plus , every one of our family members was given a book to read to her when we found out we were pregnant . The benefits are huge ! Parents don 't seem to realize this . They just think if they take the child to preschool that he or she will be fine . Nope , learning starts at home . Please don 't leave everything to our now overcrowded schools . We have a lot of people who would like to come by and visit , but I am a little leery of friends with kids who want to stop by . Personally , I 've told them they can come without the children , but no kids at this time . Kids are just little germ factories and I really don 't want them giving anything to my precious newborn . No offense to anyone , but let me be a first time paranoid parent . When we talked to the doctor she recommended not having contact with children until after Baby 's had her shots , which is at two months . That makes sense to me . Plus , if Baby does end up getting a fever , it is an automatic trip to the ER . We do not want to go through that again . Days have started to blend together , and I never knew a person could be this tired ! When I actually do sleep , it is such a deep sleep that I don 't even hear the phone ring . This is completely out of character for me since I used to be such a light sleeper . Not anymore ! Baby had a follow up appointment today to her ER visit , and doctor said all was well . She was such a good girl during her appointment , too ! She didn 't cry at all and was just staring at everything going on . I can now stop feeding her 24 / 7 ( one of the ways to help the jaundice was to feed , feed , feed . ) Now the problem I 'm having is that she still wants to be stuck to me 24 / 7 and won 't fall asleep without me . As I type , she 's in her bassinet screaming her little lungs out . We 'll see how long I can last . It 's like torture ! Well , we spoke too soon . This evening she started acting really lethargic and not her normal self . We took her temperature and it was really low again , so we called the advice nurse . The nurse said to take her in to the ER so a doctor could check her out , since it is not normal . As we were loading her into the carseat she went totally limp , which really freaked us out . We rushed to the ER ( FYI my car can go over 100 and we may have a couple of tickets for running red lights ) , where the nurse was able to wake her up . They then gave her some fluids via IV , drew lots of blood and sent it off to be tested . They also called the closest pediatricians ( this specific hospital was not that equipped yet ) , couldn 't get ahold of anyone there , so they called the pediatricians where we delivered her . They said to bring her in , so they called for an ambulance and her and I rode to that hospital . They wanted to do a spinal tap as well , but I didn 't want to subject her to that just yet and told them to hold off until we got the other lab results . They put us in a room where they hooked her up to a bunch of machines to monitor her and asked us a million questions about our health and her birth . They wanted to watch her for 48 hours to see what she was doing . Husband and I were devastated . We would just hold her and cry . Finally the lab results came back and they were all negative for any infections . They ended up releasing us a few hours early since she was acting and appearing totally normal . They said it was most likely they jaundice that made her act that way , since jaundice can make babies very lethargic . Now we are back at home and watching her very carefully , although she seems to be doing just fine . Back to the hospital again . I 'm beginning to think we should just camp here . Today they have to check her jaundice levels again as well as her temperature since it was really low yesterday and they were worried . Thankfully , her temperature read normal , and it looked like all was well on that end . Skin to skin contact seemed to make a big difference . We also had the same lab nurse draw her blood again , and she was happy to see us and asked how we were doing . We told her we were much better today . Did I ever mention how much pain I am in ? It hurts to have a baby ! I never imagined it would be quite this bad afterward . Sure , I thought I would be sore , but this is insane . I can barely walk . I now use my Boppy to sit on ( I did ask if I would be given one of those donut pillows to sit on , but they told me no . ) , instead of nurse with it like I am supposed to . Moving from one place to another just doesn 't happen . husband helps me in and out of bed . Thank goodness Husband is taking time off from work . He has been wonderful about getting me everything I need and helping with Baby . By the way , I love stool softeners . Bless the creator of those ! Every time I go to the bathroom is an ordeal . I get to spray myself off with warm water which feels oh so good . Then I get to apply ice and witch hazel pads . I was given hemorrhoid cream to apply rectally , but I decided to pass on that . It just seemed a little too intrusive for me . I won 't even go into the amount of blood . I 'm really glad I took home the disposable underwear from the hospital . That 's all I 'll say there . I was also given a sitz bath . This is a funny looking seat that goes right on top of the toilet . I fill it with warm water and Epsom salt and sit there for fifteen minutes or so . This is supposed to promote healing , and I need all the healing I can get . I was prescribed Motrin and Vicodin for the pain , but I am choosing not to use the Vicodin for a couple of reasons . One , I 've never had it before and didn 't know how it would make me act . Two , I didn 't want it going through my milk to Baby . For now I 'm sticking with the less powerful Motrin . I am a public school teacher turned stay at home mom to three little ones . I 'm just trying to figure out how to balance this thing called life and thought I would document it honestly at the same time . Please feel free to comment ! I would love to hear from you ! To comment , simply click on the title of the blog post . Post your comment in the box at the bottom of the page . Thanks !
I try to go for a walk with Baby at least once a day , weather permitting . Lately it has been raining on and off , so I haven 't wanted to venture out for fear of getting caught in a surprise rain shower . Baby has an Evenflo Travel Stroller System that I find works great for our daily walks . She sits in the carseat part and can look at me as I push her along . If it gets too sunny , there are two sunshades , one from either direction , that I can choose to put up . Or if she is crying , it does a nice job of muffling her . Seriously . I hate to have people hear her cry . Usually it 's just because she is fighting going to sleep . She fights sleep with a passion . Walking is my only exercise as of late . It 's hard to find time to exercise when I am taking care of Baby . When she takes her long nap , that 's when I do laundry , dishes , eat lunch , prepare dinner ( which we later reheat when Husband comes home ) , and write my blogs . If I 'm lucky , I might lay down for a nap as well ( Baby usually senses when I want to do this and thus refuses to fall asleep , so I usually never get a nap . ) . Therefore , I really do make it a priority to take a daily walk with her . Plus , she gets fresh air and her daily dose of Vitamin D . Usually I can finagle someone to go along with me . My sister comes , or my mother , or Husband , if he is home at the time ( that 's rare , though ) . I don 't mind going by myself , because then I can walk as fast as I can . I tried jogging , but this stroller is not meant for such speeds and gets caught . ( I 'm looking into getting a jogging stroller so I can move a little faster . ) However , the real reason I like people to go with me is so I don 't get lost . You may laugh , but it is very true . I am one of those people who can 't find their way out of a paper bag . Or around their own backyard . Or , in my case , my own neighborhood . I 'm very serious here . Those who know me automatically give me directions whenever I go somewhere . If I drive to the local store , my family members will tell me when and where to turn . And don 't get me started on baPosted by When people found out I was having a girl , the giving began . And not just from friends with children . From everyone . I got tons of beautiful items for my baby girl . Dresses , onesies , little pant sweatsuits , headbands , you name it , it was probably given to me . I was so excited for all the wonderful things my baby would be able to use and wear . A few days before I had Baby , my girlfriend and I organized Baby 's room . We put her little outfits together , and arranged the clothes hanging in her closet by size . Her closet was so full I ended up adding another closet bar , making two rows of hanging clothes . Two closet bars completely full . Now you can see how blessed Baby was even before she came into this world . Periodically I have been going through Baby 's closet and rotating her clothes so that she has a chance to wear them all . As she grows out of something I move it to the far end of the closet . Her preemie outfit that she fit into when she was born is back there , as are most of the newborn sizes she has outgrown . When I move new clothes forward , I compare them to make sure they will fit her . Have you ever noticed how different brands are sized completely differently ? Baby is wearing 3 - 6 months in one brand , 3 months in another , and is still at newborn in some . This can get confusing , considering my closet goes by size . Now I actually have to pull outfits out and hold them up to her , disregarding the size it actually says . I constantly rifle through her clothes to make sure I don 't miss any . I want her to be able to experience every outfit before she grows too big . Well , the other day I discovered that I missed one . It had been hiding behind a six month outfit of a similar color ( granted , most of them are pink , so it 's easy for them to blend together ) . It was a cute pant and shirt set . The shirt was white with little tropical flowers , and the pants were pink with a giant flower on one leg . Super cute , but way too small for Baby , being that it was newborn size . I was so disappointed Baby didn 't have a chance to modelPosted by Baby skipped a diaper size . Granted , she is growing bigger and bigger every day , but this wasn 't due to her growth . Oh no , it was due to me being a new mommy and not knowing any better . The other day I went over to a friend 's house with Baby . Of course I had to change Baby when we were there , so I did it on the floor in front of my friend . My friend is the mother of three wonderful children and has taken care of other babies from time to time . I tend to trust her judgment when it comes to kids , and ask her advice on thins as well . As she saw me change Baby , she commented that the diapers Baby was wearing were too small , and showed me how she could tell . Why didn 't I learn this in my baby care class ? Or even my birthing class ( we covered baby care in that one , too ) ? Now that I think about it , nobody even showed us how to put a diaper on a baby . The focus was more on swaddling . I think they were assuming everyone already knew how to put a diaper on . I think that should have been covered , because you just never know . I used to babysit when I was younger . A lot . I have changed countless diapers in my time , on different sized children . It wasn 't that hard , and I had no problem doing it . All the items I needed were given to me and I just went from there . I never had to figure out the specific size that went on the child . It was provided for me . Now faced with the challenge of correctly sizing my child , I was at a loss . I was going by the weight guidelines on the diaper itself . Did you know that those overlap ? So technically a child can fit into two sizes at once . How do I know which one to uses ? My friend kindly pointed out that it 's not necessarily the weight , but the fit of the diaper . It needs to stretch wide enough across Baby 's tummy so that the flaps on the front of the diaper can meet the back of the diaper . Hopefully that makes sense . I did not know that . I had heard somewhere that it needed to go up to Baby 's belly button , but that was it . That explains why most of Baby 's diapers had leaked . They were too smalI went home and switched diapers to the next size up . I told Husband about it , and he told me he could make the other ones fit just fine ( I think he was joking . ) . Now I have a couple of unused smaller diapers . Hopefully the stores will let me take the packages back . Since the switch , I haven 't had any more leaky diapers . Posted by The first time today was in the waiting room of the pediatric section of the hospital . I hadn 't taken the time to put Baby in anything cute because she was just going to see the doctor naked anyway . What 's the point ? A teenage girl nearby started smiling and waving at us , then told us we had a cute little boy . I said girl , and she apologized and said it was hard to tell . That 's ok . It is hard to tell if I don 't make it obvious . The next part was on our way out of the hospital . An elderly lady asked me how old she was , then said she was a nice looking boy . I corrected her and said girl . The lady then told me that I should use Scotch tape to put a bow in her hair so people don 't get confused . I looked at her with a funny look , and she said really , that 's what she used to do with her daughter . I do believe this was before headbands were invented . But I was polite . I just nodded and smiled , then went on my way . ( I do have a friend who put personal lubricant on bows to stick them on her daughter 's heads ( they didn 't have hair ) , but that 's a different story altogether . ) I 'm a big , fat liar . And I think I 'm good at it , too . Baby had her two month check up appointment today . I was dreading it because this is the appointment where she is supposed to get her shots . This is a huge , gigantic , major , extreme , and all the other adjectives you can think of , controversial issue . To vaccinate or not vaccinate ? Well , it depends who you talk to , and of course they can all give you the reasons why . But that 's another post altogether . I was so torn and dreading today because I hadn 't made up my mind as to what I wanted to do about her shots . I had been putting off doing the research and by the time I remembered , it was ten minutes before we had to leave for her appointment . So here I was on the computer googling everything I could about two month baby vaccinations until Husband pulled me away . On the car ride there I talked it over with him , and he basically said it was in my hands . Thanks . Now if I choose to vaccinate , I can be blamed if she reacts to the shots . Or I can be blamed if she comes down with Polio because I decided not to vaccinate . Too much pressure . We got to the hospital and checked in . The nurse led us to the exam room where we undressed Baby and weighed her on the little baby scale . She is now a full 11 . 5 pounds . I actually thought she would weigh more , but I 'm ok with 11 . 5 . It 's hard to carry the carseat with her in it . The the nurse stretched Baby out and measured her at 22 . 5 inches long . She 's definitely growing . The doctor came in and asked us about her habits . How often does she eat ( every three to four hours , which is normal for a breastfed baby ) , when does she go to bed ( around nine is what we aim for ) , and how often does she wake up during the night ( every three to four hours ) . When we talked about times that she wakes up during the night , the doctor was very sympathetic to me . I liked that . Here comes the part where I 'm a liar . The doctor then asked if she slept in a crib or a bassinet . Last appointment I said that she sometimes slept in the bed with me and got a huge lecture on not having the baby sleep with me for various reasons . I was guilted into saying I would put her in the bassinet or crib from then on . Well , if you 've read my previous posts you would know that Baby still sleeps in the bed with me . Did I tell that to the doctor ? Oh no . I told her she sleeps in the bassinet in our bedroom . Then we moved on . I asked about her elf ears and the doctor just said it is because her cartilage is soft . The ears are already formed and will not grow into a point . I hope she 's right . I 'm going to be keeping an eye on them anyway . The doctor then listened to her heartbeat , checked out her limbs and her head , put her on her tummy , and declared her perfect . I already knew that . The doctor noted her head control and was very impressed . Baby has been holding her head on her own for a while , but I guess it 's not that common . Yes , she 's advanced for her age and I 'm proud . We also got to see the little growth charts for her height , weight , and head circumference . So far she has stayed pretty much on the same curve , except for her head , which jumped to a higher percentile . She has her daddy 's head . We then talked about the immunizations . I asked which ones she was scheduled to get , and if she could tell us about them . She was actually a lot better than I thought she would be with my questions . She showed us out and then we either went to get shots and then went home , or we went home . Because this is a public blog and I don 't want a lot of judgment about my choice , I 'm not going to say what I did at this point in time . However , I can say that I am happy with the choice I did make and feel at peace with myself about it . Hopefully all will be well with Baby because of it . The first time it happened was at a social gathering . She was wearing a brown onesie with a cute kitten and pink ball of yarn on the front . Her pants were pink with brown polka dots , and Husband was holding her pink blanket under her . The elderly gentleman commented on what a cute baby it was , and then asked if it was a boy or girl . Husband and I immediately said girl , and the gentleman looked a little offended . Then he took a closer look at her and corrected himself ; " Oh , I guess she is wearing pink . " The second time it happened I was at the mall sitting on a bench with her . She was wearing a turquoise outfit ; a turquoise and purple onesie and matching pants . I had even found a perfectly matching turquoise headband with a little bow to go with it . An older lady came up to me and asked me how old my baby was . Then she told me her daughter was expecting a baby boy in a few weeks . Then she asked if my baby was a boy . Not boy or girl . Just boy . After I told her my baby was a girl , she noticed the headband . I told her that 's why I put the headband on her , so it 's easier to tell . Is it really that hard to tell the difference between a boy baby and girl baby ? I can understand if the baby is wearing completely neutral colors , with all neutral items nearby , but if there are specific colors involved , just take an educated guess . I can see why we have stereotypes and make colors specific to one gender or another . However , there are still some people who just don 't get it . Plus , who would put a headband with a bow on a baby boy ? This day marks a momentous day for me . It is a day that I was able to smile wide and jump up and down with joy . " What did Baby do ? " you might ask . Baby who ? Oh yeah , the reason for this blog . Well , Baby did her normal Baby things , but this post ( not unlike many others ) is selfishly about me . Today I tried on a pair of my pre - pregnancy jeans . If you recall a previous post about trying on pre - pregnancy pants , it was an utter fiasco . I couldn 't even get them up over my hips . Well , today was very different . I held my breath as I pulled on a pair of my favorite jeans , and slowly inched them up over my expanded thighs and hips . Then , I zipped and buttoned them . Wait , buttoned ? Yes , I said buttoned ! Granted , they may be a pair of ultra low rise , super stretchy jeans , and I may have a muffin top and have to suck in my stomach so I don 't pop a button , but let me have my moment here . The booger sucker thing is the best toy for parents . I know , it 's called an aspirator , but I can never remember that and it 's just more fun to call it the booger sucker . I have a bulb syringe aspirator that we may or may not have stolen from the hospital ( I 'm pretty sure we were supposed to take it . ) . When Baby had a cold not too long ago I was able to use it to help her breathe better . I was able to use it again last night when I could hear her breathing getting muffled . She also started this whistling noise through her nose , which drove me bonkers . So at two this morning ( last night , really ) I pulled out the booger sucker and went to town . The funny thing is that I think she sees me get really excited about it , so she smiles and laughs when I do it . Then we play a game of who can get the booger . I try to suck it out , she breathes it back it . This goes on for a few seconds until inevitably one of us wins or she gets fussy and we call a truce until later . It 's a game every parent plays , I 'm sure . I gave birth to an elf . Yes , you read right . I have a baby elf . At least it looks like it , anyway . My baby has pointy ears . Now while this may be cute now , I do not want her being made fun of when she goes to school . When she sleeps , she lays her head on one side or the other . When I nurse , she is on one side or the other . When she plays , she turns her head from side to side . When doing all of this , her ears turn in on themselves , causing there to be a point at the tip . She has been doing this for a couple of months now , so her ears are starting to form a point at the top . I just noticed this not to long ago . Now when I lay her down or see her lying on one side , I try to push her ear back into its normal position . Unfortunately , this causes her to move her head again , and the ear goes back into its fold . So I try again . And she moves again . It 's a vicious cycle . We have her two month doctor 's appointment coming up , so I 'm going to ask the pediatrician her advice on this problem . You know , before we go , maybe I can Google it to come up with a few ideas . Today we went to a birthday party for a one year old . There was a really cute princess theme and a lot of people there . We figured Baby did fine over Easter , so the party would be ok . The party was about an hour away , so Baby slept on the way there . We got there and she was starting to get fussy , but everyone wanted to ooh and aah over her anyway . I know a couple of the kids there were getting over being sick , so I was a little worried . However , she is two months now , so she should be exposed to more people . When she got really fussy I took her to the back room and nursed her . She was really tired , but didn 't want to fall asleep . I stayed in the back with her for a while , but she wasn 't drifting off so I took her back out . She got fussy again so Husband took her and tried to rock her to sleep . She was almost there when different noises from the party woke her up . I ate , then took over from Husband to try to get her to sleep . It didn 't happen , so we decided to leave and hope that she fell asleep on the ride home . Thankfully she did . That party was not as successful as Easter , even though it was nice to see some friends we hadn 't seen in a while . I love holding Baby as she sleeps . She used to nurse herself to sleep , but she doesn 't do that anymore . Instead she gets really fussy and I know that means she is tired . With my new glider I am able to shush and rock her to sleep . It 's so precious to watch her as she makes her little noises and moves around . She is a very active sleeper ! She will make little smiles , or cries , or move her little hands . It 's so cute and just melts my heart . My Baby . Baby woke up today . That 's the only way I know how to put it . She hit the two month mark and she just suddenly seems like a baby now and no longer a newborn . She watches us as we do something , she smiles , she laughs . It 's like she 's now a little person . It is the coolest thing ! She does regress , though . Husband and I watched The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr . Harvey Karp to help us with her nightly crying . He is an expert on calming babies and has a strategy of five S 's ( Swaddle , Shush , Side , Swing , Suck - or something like that ) . We tried swaddling her and she absolutely hates it , but shushing near her ear helps a lot , as does swinging her and putting her on her side . She responds to white noise when getting fussy as well . This would be considered shushing . When driving I put the radio to static and it helps quiet her . When she is in her swing ( it 's in the kitchen ) , I turn on the overhead fan for the stove . That helps her settle down as well . And at night , we run a cool mist humidifier that produces a lot of white noise . She seems to be doing better with her crying at night , but it was not fun . I can 't imagine how tough it is for parents of really colicky babies . I had so much fun dressing Baby up in a cute , frilly dress and matching head band . She looked adorable , if I do say so myself . It was her big debut , so to speak . We decided to take her to church today , and then to an Easter party after . Despite the fact that she still hasn 't had her shots , she 's practically two months old so we thought it should be fine . We can 't be too overprotective . Church went well . She slept in her carseat for the first half , then I nursed her for the second . After the service everyone oohed and aahed over her . I loved it . We then went to the Easter Party . My friend throwing it was very respectful of my wishes and made it clear that no one would be holding her there . There were a lot of families with children and I just didn 't feel comfortable with many people holding her yet . Baby was very attentive to everything going on and soaked it all in with her big , blue eyes . Eventually she tired of the action and I nursed her to sleep . Surprisingly she slept for an hour in the back room . When she woke up she started fussing so we took our food to go . She had a big day . Baby acne has finally cleared up . I think all the breastmilk may have helped ! However , it has been replaced by very dry skin and cradle cap . Cradle cap is like an extreme case of dandruff in babies . It is also caused by my hormones . It looks like she is shedding her scalp and replacing it with a new one . I 'm glad she has hair to hide it . Google says to just brush it out with a soft bristle brush , so that is what I have been doing . I also read that breastmilk can help it as well , although I don 't really have enough milk to rub into her scalp . I might try a little , though . This has been one of the roughest weeks so far . Mother in law ( Grandma S ) came to stay with us this past week . I had high hopes for her getting Baby to take the bottle . She is so good with animals that I thought it might carry over to babies . Apparently not . It was even worse than that ; every time Grandma S held her she would cry . Seriously , like every time . Baby 's baby acne was also at its peak this week , as well as her fussiness . She decided that she wanted to scream each night from around six to nine . Yup , for three hours at a time pretty much every night . Needless to say , it was not fun . I spent most of my time trying to quiet her , and felt bad that Grandma S wasn 't getting time to spend with her . It was nice having Grandma S here , and Husband took off time from work to be with her since she lives across the continent . They were able to spend quality time together . They ended up planting a flower garden and a vegetable garden in our backyard . They also organized the garage . Husband felt very accomplished . I , on the other hand , was also having a rough week . This week I think my hormones were starting to plummet . Baby and I were on the same page . Before giving birth I had wondered about the so - called " Baby Blues " and worried if I would experience that . Well , the first few weeks after labor came and went and I was flying high . However , this week I just felt really frustrated and perhaps a little let down . Husband wasn 't living up to my expectations , and being a mommy was becoming a little more challenging . It doesn 't help that she won 't take a bottle , so I feel rather trapped . I had a couple of days of crying , talking to my mother , and I feel much better now . I tried to be serious with Husband , and hopefully he understood where I was coming from . I think it 's hard for him to understand that it isn 't as easy as one might think : I 'm not sleeping at night , doing all the housework during the day , and taking care of Baby twenty - four seven . It can get pretty exhausting . I absolutely love my baby swing . It 's a Nature 's Touch Cradle Swing and it was given to me by a friend of mine who used it for her son . It has this really cool feature where you can choose which way it rocks . We had it going front to back , but Baby didn 't like that at all . My friend showed me how to rotate it so it swings from side to side . Well that worked like magic . Baby loves it ! I was putting her down for naps in her crib . She would sleep for maybe half an hour to forty - five minutes at a time . Then I discovered the power of this swing . I put her in there when she start to yawn and she slowly drifts off to sleep . No crying , no fussing , she just slowly closes her little eyes . There she will stay for a couple of hours . Yes , I said hours . It gives me time to get dinner cooked and do a load of laundry , as well as anything else I need to do , like take a nap . Now you see why I love this thing . I had a doctor 's appointment today . I have been having very painful muscle spasms between my shoulder blades , and Husband made me schedule an appointment . I 've had about three in the past three weeks . They are so incredibly painful that I roll around on the floor in pain until they stop . I 'm not kidding ; that 's why Husband made me call the doctor . The doctor asked me questions and felt my back . She was thinking of prescribing a muscle relaxer , but changed her mind when I told her I was breastfeeding . Instead she gave me prescription Motrin . It really bugs me when doctors just prescribe medicine . That will just mask the pain , not get rid of the cause . I asked her what I could do physically to make it go away . She said my trapezius muscle is overworked due to constantly hunching over to feed and hold the baby , which is causing the pain . She gave me pain meds , told me to sit up straight and get a rocking chair . Husband actually just went out and got me one . Now I have a really comfortable glider chair . I did not sleep well last night . Wait , let me rephrase that . Baby did not sleep well last night , so mommy did not sleep well . She has started this thing where she will scream for twenty minutes or so before bedtime , and nothing we do can calm her down . Usually I can calm her anytime by sticking my boob in her mouth , but the past two nights it has not worked . Then , she wakes me up at three this morning grunting and whining to pass gas and poop . She did this off and on until seven . By then she got it all out and we both fell back asleep til 10 . I really have to figure out what I ate that upset her tummy so much . Don 't want to go through that again . Needless to say , I 'm tired . I never knew there was such a thing as baby acne until Baby got it bad . I didn 't even know babies could get acne ! According to Google ( which is totally reliable , I know ) , she 's one of the lucky 20 % of babies who get it . It 's the result of my hormones leaving her system . They were floating around in there for the past six weeks until her body decided it was time to kick them out . It is so not pretty , and seems to be getting worse . Her face is all red and pimply . I just want it gone by next week because Husband 's mom is coming in . I want her to see her granddaughter at her best . The best thing to do for it is just keep her face clean ( duh ! ) . I also read that putting breastmilk on her face will help it clear up faster . Apparently breastmilk is the cure all for everything . Kind of like Windex from My Big Fat Greek Wedding . I think I am going to try it . Oh , and if you 're wondering what breastmilk tastes like , it 's like really watered down milk mixed with sugar . It 's sweet . I went shopping with my sister and Husband watched Baby for me . I was gone for about an hour and a half . I left when she was asleep and came home to find her crying in Husband 's arms . He tried to feed her , but she only took a little bit before she realized she 'd been tricked . This was a different nipple , so I think this one might be more successful than the others we 've tried . Oh well , we 're working on it ! On a positive note , I did get a couple of nice nursing tops while I was out . I was very excited the other day because Baby finally drank from a bottle . This one was the Nuk Orthodontic . My sister had come over to hang out and I nonchalantly asked her if she wanted to feed Baby . I did not mention the fact that Baby had been absolutely refusing to take it from us . She said sure , and Baby took it . I was so excited that I took multiple pictures as proof that she could actually do it . I told my sister that she was amazing , and was starting to feel hopeful that maybe I could be away from Baby for a few hours and not worry about her going hungry . Well it turns out Baby had a cold . She had a little temperature , was really congested , and started spitting up a ton ( usually she doesn 't spit up at all ) . Everything I read said at the first sign of illness in a child less than three months , you have to call the docotr . So I did , and took her in . $ 15 later they told me she had a cold and just to watch her . I totally could have told them that ! Oh well . They just wanted to make sure it was nothing serious , which I suppose I appreciate . Maybe . Today was my six week appointment after delivery . I brought Baby with me since Husband was working and I didn 't have anyone to watch her . Plus , she 's still not taking a bottle so she would have just ended up going hungry . I carried her in the carseat , although I did debate putting the Moby Wrap on . Then I figured that would be silly because where would I put her when I was laying on the table and they checked me ? So the carseat it was . I think my muscles were sore after that because I had to park a few rows away . The appointment went well . The nurse weighed me and took my blood pressure . This was the first time I had been weighed after giving birth . I really didn 't want to see how much weight I had to lose . I still don 't fit into my prepregnancy clothes , so I know I have a ways to go . Well , it turns out that I had lost twenty - five pounds . I gained forty - two pounds when I was pregnant , and we 're just going to round that to an even forty . That means only fifteen pounds to go . But my milk has also come in , and I have cleavage I never had before , so we 'll take off another five . Hey , I only have ten pounds to lose . I can do that ! The nurse led me to a waiting room where I had to put on a blue paper gown and sit and wait . The doctor was late , as usual , so I wasn 't surprised . Baby was fast asleep in the carseat for the first twenty minutes that I waited , then she woke up crying so I decided to feed her . Of course that 's when the doctor decided to make her appearance . Fortunately she said I could continue nursing while she checked me out . Kind of weird , but it worked . The doctor deemed me healed , which I know Husband will be exceptionally glad to hear . I packaged Baby back up in the carseat and headed home . For the past week or so I have been up every night from three to six am with Baby . For some reason , those happen to be her witching hours where she acts like the world is against her . Needless to say , I am super tired and hoping she 'll grow out of this phase ASAP . Husband has been back at work for a few weeks and has been begging me to bring Baby by . Today Baby and I went to meet him for lunch . He works about forty - five minutes away from our home , so it 's a little bit of a drive . Baby fell asleep in her carseat on the way there , and stayed asleep while I carried her in . Husband showed Baby off to a few people , and then she woke up crying . I nursed her for a little bit , but then we had to go eat ourselves sine this was Husband 's lunch time . We went to a fifties diner nearby and I carried Baby in the Moby Wrap . I hadn 't really used it before , but figured I should start . It 's a lot easier than carrying a carseat around . I don 't have the muscles for that ! With some difficulty , I wrapped the Moby on and stuck Baby in the breastfeeding position . She latched on and I ended up feeding her throughout or lunch . We even walked around afterward and she remained latched . The Moby was great because I didn 't have to worry about putting a blanket over her / me ( it has enough fabric for that ) , and it was easy to carry her in . I don 't like the amount of fabric it does have , and it feels bulky to me , but it worked . I said goodbye to Husband at work and Baby and I drove home . Baby decided to scream for the first and last twenty minutes or so , but once I got home I stuck her back on and she was fine . Today I ventured out to a restaurant with Baby to have lunch with a pregnant friend . I picked a place where I could sit in a booth and feed her if necessary ( remember that this child eats all the time ) . I had a nice time hanging out with my friend and sharing my birth story . Baby did great sitting in her carseat , and when I was about halfway through my meal decided she was hungry . I had my Udder Cover and nursed her right there in the booth . I think we were there for a while because the waitress came by and ( it seemed to me ) , tried to hurry us out . I felt proud that I was able to bring Baby and hang out with a girlfriend at the same time . I 'm still a little apprehensive about nursing in public , even though I know I shouldn 't be . It 's a very natural thing , and it 's not like I 'm showing myself off to everyone ; I 'm very covered up . Baby is one month old today ! It 's weird how my life has totally changed because of her . I love holding her and nursing her , although I don 't love the lack of sleep or not being able to do anything . I am starting to get better , though . I used to be one of those people who could get a lot accomplished at once . Now I am learning how to set reasonable goals so that I can still feel like I am a normal person . For example , one goal for the day might be to do a load of laundry . Or load the dishwasher . Or vacuum . It has been frustrating feeling like I am tied down , but I am learning to take things in stride . I mean , the dishes don 't really need to be done at this point in time , and I can just rewear my maternity jeans another day . Today we decided to take Baby to a friend 's going away party . I really wanted to go because I didn 't think we would see this friend again and wanted a chance to say goodbye . Husband and I debated about it because Baby is so young and there will probably be children at this party and we really don 't want her to get sick . In the end we decided to go , and I am glad we did . It gave me a chance to get out a see people we haven 't seen in a while . Plus , I got to show off Baby . Baby lasted about ten minutes at the party before she was hungry . I then spent the rest of our time there in a back room feeding her . Then we went home . It was nice that a few of the ladies did come back to say hi to me . A note for females with breastfeeding friends - do go say hello to them when they are back there alone . It is nice to have modesty , but company is better , at least for me anyway . Just ask if they mind if you hang out , and you can go from there . We have been trying to get Baby to take a bottle so that I would not be the only one able to feed her . I would like to be able to go out on my own , as well as let Husband in on the wonderful world of feeding . I have been pumping and have some milk stored up . I had Googled some ideas of when to do it , and everything suggested around three to four weeks so that the baby did not have nipple confusion . I really didn 't want her to prefer the bottle over me , so we have just now started trying . Unfortunately , I 'm beginning to think we should have started sooner , as she will have nothing to do with a bottle . We 're just going to have to keep practicing . Basically it just takes patience . I may have to go back to work eventually . Putting Baby down for a nap is my biggest struggle right now . Once she know she isn 't in my arms any more she starts to scream and wakes herself back up . Oh well . We 're working on it . In other news , I tried to put on a pair of my normal jeans this morning . Couldn 't even get them up over my hips . What was I thinking trying on a pair of pre - pregnancy jeans ? Guess I can 't put the maternity pants away just yet . After I first gave birth I was surprised at how large my stomach still was . It looked like I was still eight months pregnant ! I know people had warned me that I wouldn 't be back to my normal size , but after pushing out a six pound baby along with some fluid and placenta , I had hoped I 'd be a little smaller than that . Nursing has definitely helped me go down in size . Each week , I look a month less pregnant ( The first week I looked eight months , the second week I looked seven months , and so on . ) . Hopefully this trend will continue . Oh , and nobody ever mentioned how painful it is when your uterus contracts ! Oh my goodness , I felt like I was having contractions all over again , and then I had flashbacks to delivery and pushing out a baby and would start to freak out . Thankfully Motrin has been there to save me . Talk about no sleep ! I 've never been this tired in my life ! It 's not like in college when you could pull an all nighter but have the promise of sleep after class . Nope , there is no hope for months ! I was putting Baby in the bassinet , but she wakes up so often that I get more sleep if she just sleeps next to me in bed . Our current sleeping arrangement is her and I in our queen bed while Husband sleeps on the pull out couch next to us . I try to put her to sleep at nine , and then I go to bed . Baby wakes up between midnight and one , so I get about three hours solid there . Then she eats , and wakes up again around two . Then four . Then five thirty . Then seven . Then nine . That 's when I drag myself out of bed and start the day . I get maybe hour to an hour and a half blocks at a time . Baby doesn 't have to eat each time ( only every three hours ) , but her little tummy wakes her up when she has to poo . It hurts her , poor thing , and she wakes up crying and upset until she pushes it out . I asked the doctor and doctor said it was normal for babies to fuss when they poo or have gas . I have to wonder , though . This seems rather extreme . I 'm not an expert on newborns , but I haven 't heard anyone else talk about this . Therefore , I decided to google my little probem ( Ah , Google , my old friend , I have returned . ) . Google suggested I cut milk products out of my diet to see if that made a difference . A lot of babies have a hard time digesting dairy proteins ( dairy is anything that comes from cows ) . These proteins can stay in my body for a few weeks and come out through my milk . That means no ice cream , yogurt , cheese , and chocolate for weeks ! But if it lets me get some sleep , I think I can try it . I started to cut out dairy , but then Husband 's family came in and bought us all kind of yummy foods and I really couldn 't say no to their generosity . I 'm going to start working on it again and try to eat really bland things and see if that makes a difference . I hope so , then her and I can get some more sleep . We had our first over night visitors this weekend . My father in law , Grandpa R , came to visit with his girlfriend . I was a little stressed out because I wasn 't sure how Baby would do with overnight company . Plus , who wants to breastfeed in front of their father in law ? Grandpa R adored Baby and loved to hold her and rock her and sing to her . It was the sweetest thing . I just know that she will be spoiled , and I am OK with that . When it was time to nurse , I would sit in the recliner with an Udder Cover over Baby . It was awkward , but I didn 't want to disappear into another room . Let me just reiterate that Baby wants to be stuck to me All . The . Time . Grandpa R and girlfriend offered to watch Baby so Husband and I could go out for dinner one night , which was wonderful of them to do . However , Baby isn 't taking a bottle , so we can 't leave her . I told him to put a rain check on that offer and we 'll use it in the near future . I am going to try to start Baby on a bottle this week . I was hoping to do it this weekend , but that would have been overly stressful with everyone here . Luckily the Olympics were on that weekend . So we watched them . Hours and hours and hours of the Olympics . They 're great and all , but I can only take so many hours of curling . Husband and his dad ended up going out a few times , which was nice for them . I was home with the girlfriend , who is very kind and helpful , but I desperately wanted to nap and was too polite to leave her . Needless to say , it was exhausting . Baby had her two week appointment today . She is doing great , and gaining a lot of weight . She is up two pounds from her birth weight . I told you she was stuck to me all of the time . She wasn 't as good at this doctor 's appointment . She cried while the doctor checked her out . We were told we have a baby with a temper . Hmm , wonder whose side of the family that comes from . My weeks and days have been flying by . I have a two week old now ! Thankfully Husband has another week off from work before he goes back . He originally had only two , but he requested one more since I am still in pain and not able to move around all that easily . I 'm not sure what I will do without him . I seem to have a very clingy child ( I don 't really mind ! ) , but it makes it difficult to get anything done . Husband bought me a few novels to read so that I 'm not just watching TV all day long . He has been very productive , on the other hand . Since he 's been off , he decided to organize his office and hang pictures on the walls . He thinks it makes our house look more like a home ( we just moved here in November , so we haven 't settled in completely ) . We have also been taking advantage of visitors bringing us meals . We love it ! The best thing to give to a family with a new baby are premade meals . On top of that , feel free to do any housework ( i . e . dishes , laundry , yardwork , etc . ) . Husband and I were talking , and we really don 't know how single mothers do it . I am very thankful for all the support I 've had . I am trying to read to my baby girl . Some may say it is too soon to start , but we started reading to her in utero . Husband would read a book to her every night . Plus , every one of our family members was given a book to read to her when we found out we were pregnant . The benefits are huge ! Parents don 't seem to realize this . They just think if they take the child to preschool that he or she will be fine . Nope , learning starts at home . Please don 't leave everything to our now overcrowded schools . We have a lot of people who would like to come by and visit , but I am a little leery of friends with kids who want to stop by . Personally , I 've told them they can come without the children , but no kids at this time . Kids are just little germ factories and I really don 't want them giving anything to my precious newborn . No offense to anyone , but let me be a first time paranoid parent . When we talked to the doctor she recommended not having contact with children until after Baby 's had her shots , which is at two months . That makes sense to me . Plus , if Baby does end up getting a fever , it is an automatic trip to the ER . We do not want to go through that again . Days have started to blend together , and I never knew a person could be this tired ! When I actually do sleep , it is such a deep sleep that I don 't even hear the phone ring . This is completely out of character for me since I used to be such a light sleeper . Not anymore ! Baby had a follow up appointment today to her ER visit , and doctor said all was well . She was such a good girl during her appointment , too ! She didn 't cry at all and was just staring at everything going on . I can now stop feeding her 24 / 7 ( one of the ways to help the jaundice was to feed , feed , feed . ) Now the problem I 'm having is that she still wants to be stuck to me 24 / 7 and won 't fall asleep without me . As I type , she 's in her bassinet screaming her little lungs out . We 'll see how long I can last . It 's like torture ! Well , we spoke too soon . This evening she started acting really lethargic and not her normal self . We took her temperature and it was really low again , so we called the advice nurse . The nurse said to take her in to the ER so a doctor could check her out , since it is not normal . As we were loading her into the carseat she went totally limp , which really freaked us out . We rushed to the ER ( FYI my car can go over 100 and we may have a couple of tickets for running red lights ) , where the nurse was able to wake her up . They then gave her some fluids via IV , drew lots of blood and sent it off to be tested . They also called the closest pediatricians ( this specific hospital was not that equipped yet ) , couldn 't get ahold of anyone there , so they called the pediatricians where we delivered her . They said to bring her in , so they called for an ambulance and her and I rode to that hospital . They wanted to do a spinal tap as well , but I didn 't want to subject her to that just yet and told them to hold off until we got the other lab results . They put us in a room where they hooked her up to a bunch of machines to monitor her and asked us a million questions about our health and her birth . They wanted to watch her for 48 hours to see what she was doing . Husband and I were devastated . We would just hold her and cry . Finally the lab results came back and they were all negative for any infections . They ended up releasing us a few hours early since she was acting and appearing totally normal . They said it was most likely they jaundice that made her act that way , since jaundice can make babies very lethargic . Now we are back at home and watching her very carefully , although she seems to be doing just fine . Back to the hospital again . I 'm beginning to think we should just camp here . Today they have to check her jaundice levels again as well as her temperature since it was really low yesterday and they were worried . Thankfully , her temperature read normal , and it looked like all was well on that end . Skin to skin contact seemed to make a big difference . We also had the same lab nurse draw her blood again , and she was happy to see us and asked how we were doing . We told her we were much better today . Did I ever mention how much pain I am in ? It hurts to have a baby ! I never imagined it would be quite this bad afterward . Sure , I thought I would be sore , but this is insane . I can barely walk . I now use my Boppy to sit on ( I did ask if I would be given one of those donut pillows to sit on , but they told me no . ) , instead of nurse with it like I am supposed to . Moving from one place to another just doesn 't happen . husband helps me in and out of bed . Thank goodness Husband is taking time off from work . He has been wonderful about getting me everything I need and helping with Baby . By the way , I love stool softeners . Bless the creator of those ! Every time I go to the bathroom is an ordeal . I get to spray myself off with warm water which feels oh so good . Then I get to apply ice and witch hazel pads . I was given hemorrhoid cream to apply rectally , but I decided to pass on that . It just seemed a little too intrusive for me . I won 't even go into the amount of blood . I 'm really glad I took home the disposable underwear from the hospital . That 's all I 'll say there . I was also given a sitz bath . This is a funny looking seat that goes right on top of the toilet . I fill it with warm water and Epsom salt and sit there for fifteen minutes or so . This is supposed to promote healing , and I need all the healing I can get . I was prescribed Motrin and Vicodin for the pain , but I am choosing not to use the Vicodin for a couple of reasons . One , I 've never had it before and didn 't know how it would make me act . Two , I didn 't want it going through my milk to Baby . For now I 'm sticking with the less powerful Motrin . I am a public school teacher turned stay at home mom to three little ones . I 'm just trying to figure out how to balance this thing called life and thought I would document it honestly at the same time . Please feel free to comment ! I would love to hear from you ! To comment , simply click on the title of the blog post . Post your comment in the box at the bottom of the page . Thanks !
( Blogger 's Note : Yes , it has taken a long time , but the story is finished . If you have enjoyed it , please take a look at On the Second Tuesday of Next Week , a time travel novel of a war in space . You can find it in the Kindle store at Amazon . com under my name . Thank you . . . and now back to our story . ) The rest of the diary was blank . That was the last entry . Morgan closed the book and for a moment , believed every word that he had read . . . and then , he didn 't believe any of it . There were no hidden civilizations inside the Earth . There were no holes at the poles to allow anyone to enter . Google Earth and satellite imagery had proven this . The book was a work of science fiction that Morgan found interesting , that belonged in another age or another time , but that was all it was . He stood up , looked at the pistol again and thought that it was a nice prop to prove the story . But it wasn 't as if there weren 't thousands of such pistols around and there was nothing special about this one . Because he could touch it didn 't mean that the story he had just read was true . It just meant the pistol was real . Somewhat disappointed , he put the diary , along with the pistol , back in the trunk and closed it . He couldn 't figure out why either had been hidden , why the pistol hadn 't been removed long ago , why his parents had hung onto all this nonsense . They certainly weren 't looking for a publisher for this story and no one was searching for the mythical entrance to this lost world inside the Earth or the missing uncle . He walked downstairs , into the family room and then sat down at the computer . He did what everyone did when he or she had question . He typed the information into a search engine to see what he could learn . He found that David Morgan Stone was an American officer of the First World War who led a scientific expedition to the Arctic Circle in which his partner Eric Jensen died . He , and a woman he claimed to have come from the Inner Earth , were found drifting in a small , palm - leaf boat in the northern Atlantic . He , with the woman , Christine , who he later married , embarked on a lecture tour about the wonders of the Inner Earth . Stone was one of many such adventurers who either supported the claims of a civilization inside the Earth or who claimed to have been there to see this mythical land to the north . All his claims were based solely on his observations , backed up by those of his wife . The Stones said that they would return to the Inner Earth to prove their tales true and disappeared on an expedition in either late 1928 or early 1929 . Morgan was stunned . It meant that everything in the diary was true . And then he realized that it meant nothing of the sort . It meant that his uncle had told the story as if it was true , but he offered no proof that it was . Or rather that he had no proof that it was . Morgan was left with the same questions that he 'd had before he searched the Internet . His father pulled another chair around and sat down . He looked at his son and said , " This has been the family 's dark secret . Your uncle made quite the splash in the 1920s . He made a lot of money on his lectures , but as the audiences became more sophisticated and our knowledge of the planet became more enlightened , we all knew that there could be no civilization hidden in the Earth has he said . They all believed him to be deluded and we all believed the same thing . " " He left the family . He took his wife , who said she had been born in the Inner Earth , and disappeared . He left a small fortune to the family and a trust fund to be used by any family member who wished to follow him . That trust was broken as satellites began mapping the planet . It was broken because he had been delusional when he set it up and under the law , the contact was invalid . Now the money is used to send family members to college . " " Where ? Clearly he was deluded . Some believe it was because of his injuries in the First World War . The delusion was harmless enough , and in fact , his lecture fees were enough for the family fortune to expand . No one cared what he said as long as the money kept coming in and he didn 't embarrass the family in some way . " Morgan 's father shrugged and said , " This was really before my time . As I say , he was harmless as were so many others roaming the country at the time talking about their expeditions to Africa or South America . Some had stories of riches buried on far off islands , some had tales of mysterious lands hidden behind banks of fog , or of mysterious lands that no one else ever found . And there was just enough being discovered to lend some credibility to his tales . His were as real as most those others and people paid to hear him talk about his grand adventure . I understand that he had a real passion for his tale . " Morgan sat back and scratched his head . He looked at the computer screen picture of his strange uncle and then at his father . He said , " I 'd like to find out what happened . " " So would the rest of the family , but there isn 't much to go on . He headed north with his wife and disappeared . They were alone , on their way back into his lost world . " Morgan was quiet for a moment , thinking . It seemed impossible that a relative had been chasing a tale of a world inside the Earth . But then , it was nearly one hundred years ago , and people just didn 't know that much about the Earth . They didn 't have satellites that had photographed the planet from every angle using every available medium to do it . A hundred years ago , Antarctica was a huge unknown , much of South America , especially the Amazon basin had not been explored , and people were still disappearing in Africa . For Morgan it wasn 't a satisfactory ending . It left a door open a crack . Maybe his uncle had found his way back into the Inner Earth . Maybe his expedition had been a success , but he hadn 't been able to return . Or maybe he had just frozen to death in the great white north and some day someone would find his frozen remains . Morgan 's father stood , signaling the end of the conversation . He pointed to the computer . " Well , there 's the best tool for learning about him . Let me know what you find out , if anything more , but dinner will be ready soon . " Morgan watched his father walk into the kitchen and wondered how he could be so uninterested in this aspect of the family history . And then he realized that his father had probably done the same thing as he was growing up . He hadn 't found any answers so he had lost interest , but Morgan knew that didn 't mean he wouldn 't find something . After all , he had the Internet and his father hadn 't . We drifted with the current in the river and while it had brought us into this world , I had the feeling it would also take us out . All we had to do was let it run its course . I had no idea how long that might take , nor did I have any real idea of how far we had come on our journeys . We had been forced to march in so many different directions that we might have made a huge looping turn and been near our original entrance , or we might be at the far end of this world , near another entrance to it . I just didn 't know . In the last several days , or rather , in a long period of this eternal light , I had little opportunity to sleep . What little that I had was not as restful as it could have been . It seemed that there had been so many crises that there was no rest . We had been fleeing so many captors in so many places , that rest was not possible . Too much happening too fast . Christine looked so peaceful in the bottom of the boat , lying so that she avoided the little bit of river water that was sloshing around . Her right arm was up , over her eyes and her legs were stretched out , away from the water . She didn 't move and it was difficult to see that she was breathing , though she was . I didn 't feel drowsy at all . My eyes didn 't burn , my eyelids were not heavy and I wasn 't yawning . I was tired , really tired but not drowsy . It was the fog horn that woke me . I started and grabbed for my pistol when I realized I couldn 't see much other than the gray of the cloud bank we had drifted into . I could hear the distinct rumbling of an engine , a mechanical devise , and I could hear the mournful sound of the fog horn somewhere out there near us . I waved a hand to silence her , but there was no reason to do that . I knew exactly what it was , but I couldn 't tell where it was coming from in the fog . The sound seemed to reverberate as it bounced around , seeming to be all around us . Then I heard a faint splashing as the bow cut through the water and new that it was very close . I drew my pistol and pointing it straight up , fired it three times , hoping that whoever was on the boat would recognize the distress signal that I have learned in the Army . Three spaced shots meant you were in trouble . Christine stared at me and I didn 't know if she was frightened or just confused . There were no engines in her world and no real fog like this . Just the ever present sun , some haze created by the humidity , and a fight to stay alive every minute . The splashing stopped and the fog horn blasted three quick times . I raised my pistol and fired three more shots . Then I heard a voice that sounded as if it was close . For an instant , I didn 't realize that the voice had spoken English . It was the first time in a long time that I 'd heard someone speaking English , other than Eric . I suddenly knew that we had escaped from that inner world , though I didn 't know where I was nor how we had done it . I tried to figure out the direction to the voice and stared into the fog . I saw nothing for a moment and then a dull glow that looked like the sun on a cloudy , rainy day . Just a small smear of brightness in a dull background . I didn 't know what they planned . I didn 't know how big their boat might be . A freighter could easily swamp us or run over us before they managed to get organizated . I heard nothing for several minutes . She stared at me and then shivered . I realized that it was chilly in that fog . Not really cold , as you 'd expect above the Arctic Circle at any time of year . Not the cold that could seep in and kill you in minutes . Just chilly and uncomfortable , given where we had come from and how we were dressed . " I see them , " said that man in the bow and pointed . Their boat turned toward us and as it came along side , the men pulled their oars in . One of the men reached out and grabbed the side of our boat . He started at Christine . Christine didn 't move . She looked frozen with fear . I reached out and took her hand , pulling her closer to the rescue boat . One of the men was stripping his coat and held it out for her . She didn 't know what to do . I pushed her closer and the man leaned over , draping his coat over her shoulders . She understood then and wrapped it tightly around her . Given that they were on a scientific mission , I told him that I had been part of one as well . I explained about our attempt to penetrate the Earth 's crust to reach the interior world and that we had been searching for the father of Eric Jensen who had originated the journey . I told him that Christine was a resident of that world . I could tell that the captain didn 't believe much of our story , though we had been dressed for a warmer climate , we had been in a boat that was clearly manufactured from tropical type plants , and there was no other explanation for us being as far north as we were . I suspect he believed that we were deluded in some way and had somehow assembled the elements of that delusion into a little bit of physical evidence . He was just too polite to mention it . When I finished my tale , he slapped his hands on his knees as if to push himself out of his chair and said , " It 'll be several days before we return to port . Until then you have the run of our boat . If you need anything , don 't hesitate to ask . " When I saw the look on her face , I quickly added , " But I don 't expect that to happen . Besides , this boat isn 't all that large so I don 't think we 're all that far from land , either Greenland or Canada . " I didn 't explain to her what Greenland or Canada were and she didn 't ask . In talking to one of the scientists on the boat , I learned that they were documenting everything they were doing . Eric and I had sort of planned that , but given the way our expedition worked out , I had lost everything except for my pistol and the clothes I was wearing . Our maps , charts , photographs , and anything else that would prove what we were doing was gone . I 'd lost Eric in the process and we hadn 't found his father or sister . We had failed , or rather I had failed , in everything that we were trying to accomplish . I convinced one of the scientists to give me one of the spare journals and set about chronicling the expedition as best I could . I spent the ten days putting down as much as I could remember about the expedition in the order that it happened . I knew as I was writing it that everyone would see it as a work of fiction , but I thought it important to put down as much as I could . Someday it might be seen for what it was . We have now arrived in Nova Scotia and we have been put off the boat . I cabled home for money from my father and he sent it along . I was able to buy train tickets for New York and since we were in Canada and came off an American boat , everyone believed we were Americans . I told customs that Christine was my wife and that we had lost everything at sea . Given everything else , given the way ships were damaged and people were sometimes stranded , they believed us . My goal now , is to return to the Inner Earth with a proper expedition to find Eric 's relatives and to prove that it can be done . Christine isn 't sure she wants to go with me , and that is up to her . She said that there is nothing left for her there , but I think she 'll change her mind if I can get another expedition , a proper expedition , together . If I succeed in returning to the Inner Earth , I want my family to know what happened and where I am . I leave this record , for the family and not for science . Someday , if I have gone but not returned , maybe one of you will follow me . . . I hadn 't planned the escape . I knew that we were going to have to make a break for it , but I hadn 't thought much beyond that simple idea . And suddenly we were standing close to a single guard , bending over to put food on the deck in front of us . There hadn 't been a noise in the corridor outside . This was an opportunity that we simply couldn 't pass up . As the guard started to straighten , my foot snapped out , like I was kicking a record field goal . I felt pain shoot through my foot as it connected with the chin of the man . His head snapped rearward with a cracking of bone . He flipped around , landing on his back . I leaped to him , put a hand against his throat but there was no pulse . I grabbed the dagger at his belt , wishing that we had better weapons . I jumped to the door and peeked out . I held up a hand , telling the others to stay put . I stepped into the corridor and hurried along it . When I reached the ladder that lead to the upper deck , I turned and saw that Eric was watching . I waved him forward . When he and the others joined me , I started up the ladder , pressing my back against the rough wood to the side of it . There was a square of bright light over me and I climbed toward it . When I reached the top , I hesitated , poking my head up so that I could see . Toward the bow there was no one . On the stern , I could see a couple of men and one of the creatures . There was nothing that we could do . Either we stayed , trapped in the passageway , or we tried to get to the bow where we could dive into the river . I ducked back , leaned close to Eric and whispered the plan to him . We would run across the deck and leap into the water , letting the current take us away from the ship . I said , " Yeah , " and then peeked up again . I saw that the men and the creature were looking at something on the shore , facing away from me . I used that diversion to exit the hatch . I stepped onto the deck , turned and ran for the bow . As I dodged around one of the masts , I ran into a sailor , bowling him over . I pounced on him , driving my fist into his face . He grunted in pain and as I punched him a second time he caught my hand . He twisted my arm and I began falling to the right . As I did , there was a scratch and then a boom as someone fired a flintlock pistol . I felt , rather than heard , the ball whiz by my head and heard it smash into the wood of the mast . A man was standing on the stern , wrapped in a cloud of blue gun smoke . And then Eric was beside me . He kicked the sailor in the side . The man grunted and fell to the deck . Eric reached down and grabbed my wrist , jerking me to my feet . I turned and saw a sailor coming at us , his sword held high . There was another shot that did nothing . I dropped and kicked , hitting the man with the sword in the knee . He toppled right , losing his grip on his sword . Eric danced in and grabbed it . He spun around to face another sailor . I turned and saw the captain standing there . He held the Mauser , aiming at Christine . I dived at him , cutting his legs from out from under him . He crashed to his side . He rolled to the right , trying to get up . I scrambled to my feet and jumped , knocking him down again . When he dropped the Mauser , I dived for it , snatching it . There was another shot from a flintlock and the wet slap of a bullet hitting flesh . As I rolled clear , I saw Huana fall to the deck , a spreading stain of crimson on her back . Another of the Spanish was raising his weapon , ready to shoot . I fired first , the slug catching him in the throat . He fell to the deck and didn 't move . Eric , swinging the captured sword , leaped toward Huana . He chopped at one man with all his might . The man fought back , parrying each of the blows , but losing ground . He stumbled then , throwing up a hand . Eric swung , chopping it off . The sailor shrieked and fell to his side , cradling his wounded arm in his other hand . Blood pumped onto the deck . I reached Christine and pushed her toward the bow . As she jumped over the railing , there was a shot . It missed her and I heard her splash into the water . I glanced over and saw her swimming away in long , graceful strokes . Eric was cutting his way toward me . A man leaped between us . There was a flurry of activity , the blades ringing against one another and then the point of Eric 's sword was protruding from his adversary 's back . The man fell to the deck with a low , quiet groan . Overhead came the flapping of leather wings . One of the creatures was screaming out of the sky like a fighter plane attacking a trench . I aimed and fired . There was a burst of red and the beast flipped out of the way . It disappeared over the side of the ship . And then four men swarmed from a hatch , all of them attacking Eric . He shouted , a call meant for the Vikings in Valhalla . He waded in , chopping and hacking , screaming at the top of his lungs . I wanted to help , but couldn 't find a clear target . I held my fire and saw Eric driven to his knees , blood covering his face , chest and arms . He kept shouting at them , his voice lost in the noise of battle . Eric fell to the deck as the sailors hacked at him . I fired at them . Two dropped , blood on their clothes but I didn 't know whose blood it might be . One turned toward me , his sword raised , his teeth bared . I put a round in his face . The last man standing turned to flee . There was nothing more I could do . Eric had been literally hacked to pieces . His blood spread over the deck in a thick , red mass . I could see his bones and his lungs and knew that he was dead . With that , I tucked the pistol into my belt and whirled . Someone fired a flintlock . Someone fired an arrow . I dived over the railing and hit the water . I pulled myself away from the ship underwater . I opened my eyes , could see the sunlight filtering down . There was a snap beside me and I saw the twisted path of a bullet through the water . A second and third shots were fired but they missed as well . I surfaced , gulped at the air and ducked back as two or three others fired at me . An arrow cut close . Then there was silence and I burst up again , sucking at the air . In front of me I saw Christine , still swimming as fast as she could . She stared at me , her eyes filling with tears . She turned and reached for the root of a tree , dragging herself up , out of the water . She stood for a moment and then collapsed to the ground . I crawled up after her . I wiped the water from my face and looked back at the Spanish ship . There was activity all over it , but no one seemed inclined to give chase . One man stood on the bow , firing arrows at the water . They fell far short of where we were hiding . I moved to her and held her . She was shaking and I wondered if it was her attempt to control her emotions or if she was cold from the water . We stood close for a moment and then I let her go and turned . Together , we headed to the south , along the bank of the river . To the right of us was thick jungle , so dense that we couldn 't see more than a couple of feet into it . A giant green wall climbed high above us . To the left were a few scattered bushes , some tall trees , their roots dipping into the water and , of course , the wide expanse of the river . The water was clear and in some places so shallow that we could easily see the bottom . We could see the fish swimming just under the surface . It didn 't take us long to put distance between us and the Spanish ship . I stopped frequently , but there was no sign of pursuit . It was as if the men on the ship didn 't care that we had gotten away . Of course , I had shot the captain and if there wasn 't a well established chain of command , the sailors might be fighting among themselves for the top spot . Not the best way to run a military command , but one that would allow us to get out of here before they got organized . We kept traveling , staying close to the river . I figured that it would provide us with food and with a means of travel . All we had to do was remain patient . After an hour or so , we stopped to rest . I took out the pistol and examined it . Using my shirt , I cleaned it as best I could . When I was finished , we started moving again , always heading away from the Spanish ship and the little bit of civilization that we had seen near it . We finally came to a small dock . There was a wide spot in the jungle and the trail leading into it . I looked up the trail but it was like looking into a long , green tunnel with nothing visible at the far end . I turned and saw the boat tied to the dock . It was a reed boat , woven with loving care . The weave was so tight that there was only a little water in the bottom of it . Without thinking , I pushed Christine toward it . When she stepped down into it , I slipped the rope from the pole on the dock and climbed in beside her . I leaned back and shoved . We floated out to the middle of the river , were caught in the current and began the next stage of our journey . That was a question that I hadn 't thought about . Someone had made this boat and they hadn 't done it for my benefit . I had just slipped the rope stealing it . Taking the boat was wrong , and I knew it , but I wanted to get out and this , I believed , was the quickest way . She looked at me and then , without a word , stretched out in the bottom of the boat . She looked as if she was going to speak but then said nothing . She closed her eyes and in moments , surprising me , she was asleep . I sat there for several minutes , watching the shore , waiting for a pursuit . When it didn 't develop , I shrugged and laid down next to Christine . I reached out and touched her sun hot skin , smiled at her and thought that things might work out . I shoved the thoughts of Huana and Eric from my mind . I would have to deal with all that later , when I had the chance . Now I needed to stay alert . And in that , I failed . We were taken below by several of the Spanish sailors armed with swords and daggers . The leader had an old flintlock pistol tucked into his belt , but I think it was more ornamental than functional . As one of the sailors opened the hatch , two of the creatures landed on the deck . They stood away from us , studying us with those blood red eyes . The sailors didn 't seem to be concerned about them landing there . And then we were below the decks being lead down a narrow , short passageway . The leader stopped near a hatch , used a large key to open the lock . When the door was opened , he gestured . I ducked and entered . The women followed and Eric brought up the rear . The interior was dark . There were chains fastened to beams over our heads , but the Spanish didn 't enter . They merely closed the hatch and locked us in . I turned around slowly and inspected what I could see . There was a dim square of light at the door where there was a small , square window with two thick bars set in it . The deck under us was wood and except for the chains hanging from the beam , there was nothing else in our prison . Christine sat down , her back against the wall . She drew her legs up and propped her chin on her knees . She didn 't say anything to any of us . I rubbed a hand on my face and stood up . I moved to the window and looked out . There was no one in the corridor outside our cell , but that didn 't matter . There wasn 't a way for us to escape from it easily . No one responded to that and I wasn 't sure where I was going with it , so I let it drop . I paced off the cell , discovering that it was quite long and very narrow . In the darkness I could hear the scrambling of tiny claws on the wood and was sure that there were rates in there with us . Rats seemed to have invaded all the world 's environments but I said nothing to the others about them . We didn 't need to worry about rats . I sat down and closed my eyes . I hadn 't realized how tired I was . We hadn 't gotten much sleep in the last few days . We had been on the run almost from the moment we jumped from the window in the palace . Without realizing it , I fell asleep . And then was awakened by the door of the cell banging open . I sat up with a start and saw two huge men , each holding a sword . One of them growled at us . " Captain wants to see you now . " I stood up and moved toward the door , a hand up , protecting my eyes . As I stepped into the corridor , I blinked . When the others had joined me , all of us were taken to the captain 's cabin . Outside it , we waited while the guard knocked . There was a muffled response from the inside and we were told to enter . The cabin was in the stern of the ship . Across the open door was a wide window that looked out on the river . Surrounding it were statues and vases and goblets of jewel encrusted gold . There was a carpet on the floor , made of the finest wool . There were bars of gold in one corner and bars of silver in another . The cabin was loaded with treasure worth millions of dollars . He was a big man , burly . He had long black hair , a huge beard and small , brown eyes . His hands were huge , looking as if they were too big for his body . As we entered , he sat up and boomed , " Who are you ? " He had me on that one . I didn 't know what to say to him , but that problem was quickly forgotten when he said , " I am the duly appointed representative of the King of Spain . You are on land that belongs to the King . Have you his permission to be here ? " " A likely story , " he boomed . He waved a hand around the room indicating his treasure . " I believe you are spies , or pirates , come to steal all this from my King . " " My father made a journey here a number of years ago . He has not returned . I , " he stopped and waved a hand and then continued , " we have come to find him . " The captain decided to ignore me and picked up one of the jeweled goblets . He held it up to the light . " A beautiful thing , " he said . " Made by some of the finest craftsmen in this world . It 's worth a great deal of money anywhere in the world . " He looked at me as if I was trying to get information from him . He smiled showing broken , yellowed teeth . " It will do you no good because Governor Pizzaro has already conquered the Incas bringing them into the realm of Spain . " When he said it , it all fell into place for me . It was why I had recognized some of it . Why it had seemed familiar . I remembered some of the accounts I had read about the Inner Earth that contained the theory that the Inca had escaped into the caves of the Andes taking their treasure and culture with them . And now I was seeing that some of the Spanish had followed . I snapped my head around and looked at Christine . The moon ! She had mentioned a festival of the moon . But a group who lived in the perpetual daylight of the Inner Earth wouldn 't have seen the moon . They would no nothing of a moon . That was an obvious carry over from the time that they had lived on the surface of the planet . This was an anthropologist 's dream . A culture that had been destroyed centuries ago was now found to have survived , partially , living in a remote spot inside the Earth . Sure , there were changes , but not all that many . I felt the excitement build . This was a significant find . The gold , the silver , and the treasure paled in comparison to the value to science . I rubbed my hand over my face as these thoughts flashed through my mind . This was a discovery on par with Colombus and the New World . Sure , other had been there before Colombus , but he was the one who returned with the information that allowed others to follow . Now I was in a position to do the same . Some of my books are now available immediately as ebooks . There are some new , original books available as Kindle ebooks through Amazon . com . They range in price from 0 . 99 cents to about five bucks . Others are available as hard copy books but are more expensive . If you enjoy one of the books , please post a review of it . For information on UFOs , please look at A Different Perspective at http : / / kevinrandle . blogspot . com . Thanks .
( Blogger 's Note : Yes , it has taken a long time , but the story is finished . If you have enjoyed it , please take a look at On the Second Tuesday of Next Week , a time travel novel of a war in space . You can find it in the Kindle store at Amazon . com under my name . Thank you . . . and now back to our story . ) The rest of the diary was blank . That was the last entry . Morgan closed the book and for a moment , believed every word that he had read . . . and then , he didn 't believe any of it . There were no hidden civilizations inside the Earth . There were no holes at the poles to allow anyone to enter . Google Earth and satellite imagery had proven this . The book was a work of science fiction that Morgan found interesting , that belonged in another age or another time , but that was all it was . He stood up , looked at the pistol again and thought that it was a nice prop to prove the story . But it wasn 't as if there weren 't thousands of such pistols around and there was nothing special about this one . Because he could touch it didn 't mean that the story he had just read was true . It just meant the pistol was real . Somewhat disappointed , he put the diary , along with the pistol , back in the trunk and closed it . He couldn 't figure out why either had been hidden , why the pistol hadn 't been removed long ago , why his parents had hung onto all this nonsense . They certainly weren 't looking for a publisher for this story and no one was searching for the mythical entrance to this lost world inside the Earth or the missing uncle . He walked downstairs , into the family room and then sat down at the computer . He did what everyone did when he or she had question . He typed the information into a search engine to see what he could learn . He found that David Morgan Stone was an American officer of the First World War who led a scientific expedition to the Arctic Circle in which his partner Eric Jensen died . He , and a woman he claimed to have come from the Inner Earth , were found drifting in a small , palm - leaf boat in the northern Atlantic . He , with the woman , Christine , who he later married , embarked on a lecture tour about the wonders of the Inner Earth . Stone was one of many such adventurers who either supported the claims of a civilization inside the Earth or who claimed to have been there to see this mythical land to the north . All his claims were based solely on his observations , backed up by those of his wife . The Stones said that they would return to the Inner Earth to prove their tales true and disappeared on an expedition in either late 1928 or early 1929 . Morgan was stunned . It meant that everything in the diary was true . And then he realized that it meant nothing of the sort . It meant that his uncle had told the story as if it was true , but he offered no proof that it was . Or rather that he had no proof that it was . Morgan was left with the same questions that he 'd had before he searched the Internet . His father pulled another chair around and sat down . He looked at his son and said , " This has been the family 's dark secret . Your uncle made quite the splash in the 1920s . He made a lot of money on his lectures , but as the audiences became more sophisticated and our knowledge of the planet became more enlightened , we all knew that there could be no civilization hidden in the Earth has he said . They all believed him to be deluded and we all believed the same thing . " " He left the family . He took his wife , who said she had been born in the Inner Earth , and disappeared . He left a small fortune to the family and a trust fund to be used by any family member who wished to follow him . That trust was broken as satellites began mapping the planet . It was broken because he had been delusional when he set it up and under the law , the contact was invalid . Now the money is used to send family members to college . " " Where ? Clearly he was deluded . Some believe it was because of his injuries in the First World War . The delusion was harmless enough , and in fact , his lecture fees were enough for the family fortune to expand . No one cared what he said as long as the money kept coming in and he didn 't embarrass the family in some way . " Morgan 's father shrugged and said , " This was really before my time . As I say , he was harmless as were so many others roaming the country at the time talking about their expeditions to Africa or South America . Some had stories of riches buried on far off islands , some had tales of mysterious lands hidden behind banks of fog , or of mysterious lands that no one else ever found . And there was just enough being discovered to lend some credibility to his tales . His were as real as most those others and people paid to hear him talk about his grand adventure . I understand that he had a real passion for his tale . " Morgan sat back and scratched his head . He looked at the computer screen picture of his strange uncle and then at his father . He said , " I 'd like to find out what happened . " " So would the rest of the family , but there isn 't much to go on . He headed north with his wife and disappeared . They were alone , on their way back into his lost world . " Morgan was quiet for a moment , thinking . It seemed impossible that a relative had been chasing a tale of a world inside the Earth . But then , it was nearly one hundred years ago , and people just didn 't know that much about the Earth . They didn 't have satellites that had photographed the planet from every angle using every available medium to do it . A hundred years ago , Antarctica was a huge unknown , much of South America , especially the Amazon basin had not been explored , and people were still disappearing in Africa . For Morgan it wasn 't a satisfactory ending . It left a door open a crack . Maybe his uncle had found his way back into the Inner Earth . Maybe his expedition had been a success , but he hadn 't been able to return . Or maybe he had just frozen to death in the great white north and some day someone would find his frozen remains . Morgan 's father stood , signaling the end of the conversation . He pointed to the computer . " Well , there 's the best tool for learning about him . Let me know what you find out , if anything more , but dinner will be ready soon . " Morgan watched his father walk into the kitchen and wondered how he could be so uninterested in this aspect of the family history . And then he realized that his father had probably done the same thing as he was growing up . He hadn 't found any answers so he had lost interest , but Morgan knew that didn 't mean he wouldn 't find something . After all , he had the Internet and his father hadn 't . We drifted with the current in the river and while it had brought us into this world , I had the feeling it would also take us out . All we had to do was let it run its course . I had no idea how long that might take , nor did I have any real idea of how far we had come on our journeys . We had been forced to march in so many different directions that we might have made a huge looping turn and been near our original entrance , or we might be at the far end of this world , near another entrance to it . I just didn 't know . In the last several days , or rather , in a long period of this eternal light , I had little opportunity to sleep . What little that I had was not as restful as it could have been . It seemed that there had been so many crises that there was no rest . We had been fleeing so many captors in so many places , that rest was not possible . Too much happening too fast . Christine looked so peaceful in the bottom of the boat , lying so that she avoided the little bit of river water that was sloshing around . Her right arm was up , over her eyes and her legs were stretched out , away from the water . She didn 't move and it was difficult to see that she was breathing , though she was . I didn 't feel drowsy at all . My eyes didn 't burn , my eyelids were not heavy and I wasn 't yawning . I was tired , really tired but not drowsy . It was the fog horn that woke me . I started and grabbed for my pistol when I realized I couldn 't see much other than the gray of the cloud bank we had drifted into . I could hear the distinct rumbling of an engine , a mechanical devise , and I could hear the mournful sound of the fog horn somewhere out there near us . I waved a hand to silence her , but there was no reason to do that . I knew exactly what it was , but I couldn 't tell where it was coming from in the fog . The sound seemed to reverberate as it bounced around , seeming to be all around us . Then I heard a faint splashing as the bow cut through the water and new that it was very close . I drew my pistol and pointing it straight up , fired it three times , hoping that whoever was on the boat would recognize the distress signal that I have learned in the Army . Three spaced shots meant you were in trouble . Christine stared at me and I didn 't know if she was frightened or just confused . There were no engines in her world and no real fog like this . Just the ever present sun , some haze created by the humidity , and a fight to stay alive every minute . The splashing stopped and the fog horn blasted three quick times . I raised my pistol and fired three more shots . Then I heard a voice that sounded as if it was close . For an instant , I didn 't realize that the voice had spoken English . It was the first time in a long time that I 'd heard someone speaking English , other than Eric . I suddenly knew that we had escaped from that inner world , though I didn 't know where I was nor how we had done it . I tried to figure out the direction to the voice and stared into the fog . I saw nothing for a moment and then a dull glow that looked like the sun on a cloudy , rainy day . Just a small smear of brightness in a dull background . I didn 't know what they planned . I didn 't know how big their boat might be . A freighter could easily swamp us or run over us before they managed to get organizated . I heard nothing for several minutes . She stared at me and then shivered . I realized that it was chilly in that fog . Not really cold , as you 'd expect above the Arctic Circle at any time of year . Not the cold that could seep in and kill you in minutes . Just chilly and uncomfortable , given where we had come from and how we were dressed . " I see them , " said that man in the bow and pointed . Their boat turned toward us and as it came along side , the men pulled their oars in . One of the men reached out and grabbed the side of our boat . He started at Christine . Christine didn 't move . She looked frozen with fear . I reached out and took her hand , pulling her closer to the rescue boat . One of the men was stripping his coat and held it out for her . She didn 't know what to do . I pushed her closer and the man leaned over , draping his coat over her shoulders . She understood then and wrapped it tightly around her . Given that they were on a scientific mission , I told him that I had been part of one as well . I explained about our attempt to penetrate the Earth 's crust to reach the interior world and that we had been searching for the father of Eric Jensen who had originated the journey . I told him that Christine was a resident of that world . I could tell that the captain didn 't believe much of our story , though we had been dressed for a warmer climate , we had been in a boat that was clearly manufactured from tropical type plants , and there was no other explanation for us being as far north as we were . I suspect he believed that we were deluded in some way and had somehow assembled the elements of that delusion into a little bit of physical evidence . He was just too polite to mention it . When I finished my tale , he slapped his hands on his knees as if to push himself out of his chair and said , " It 'll be several days before we return to port . Until then you have the run of our boat . If you need anything , don 't hesitate to ask . " When I saw the look on her face , I quickly added , " But I don 't expect that to happen . Besides , this boat isn 't all that large so I don 't think we 're all that far from land , either Greenland or Canada . " I didn 't explain to her what Greenland or Canada were and she didn 't ask . In talking to one of the scientists on the boat , I learned that they were documenting everything they were doing . Eric and I had sort of planned that , but given the way our expedition worked out , I had lost everything except for my pistol and the clothes I was wearing . Our maps , charts , photographs , and anything else that would prove what we were doing was gone . I 'd lost Eric in the process and we hadn 't found his father or sister . We had failed , or rather I had failed , in everything that we were trying to accomplish . I convinced one of the scientists to give me one of the spare journals and set about chronicling the expedition as best I could . I spent the ten days putting down as much as I could remember about the expedition in the order that it happened . I knew as I was writing it that everyone would see it as a work of fiction , but I thought it important to put down as much as I could . Someday it might be seen for what it was . We have now arrived in Nova Scotia and we have been put off the boat . I cabled home for money from my father and he sent it along . I was able to buy train tickets for New York and since we were in Canada and came off an American boat , everyone believed we were Americans . I told customs that Christine was my wife and that we had lost everything at sea . Given everything else , given the way ships were damaged and people were sometimes stranded , they believed us . My goal now , is to return to the Inner Earth with a proper expedition to find Eric 's relatives and to prove that it can be done . Christine isn 't sure she wants to go with me , and that is up to her . She said that there is nothing left for her there , but I think she 'll change her mind if I can get another expedition , a proper expedition , together . If I succeed in returning to the Inner Earth , I want my family to know what happened and where I am . I leave this record , for the family and not for science . Someday , if I have gone but not returned , maybe one of you will follow me . . . I hadn 't planned the escape . I knew that we were going to have to make a break for it , but I hadn 't thought much beyond that simple idea . And suddenly we were standing close to a single guard , bending over to put food on the deck in front of us . There hadn 't been a noise in the corridor outside . This was an opportunity that we simply couldn 't pass up . As the guard started to straighten , my foot snapped out , like I was kicking a record field goal . I felt pain shoot through my foot as it connected with the chin of the man . His head snapped rearward with a cracking of bone . He flipped around , landing on his back . I leaped to him , put a hand against his throat but there was no pulse . I grabbed the dagger at his belt , wishing that we had better weapons . I jumped to the door and peeked out . I held up a hand , telling the others to stay put . I stepped into the corridor and hurried along it . When I reached the ladder that lead to the upper deck , I turned and saw that Eric was watching . I waved him forward . When he and the others joined me , I started up the ladder , pressing my back against the rough wood to the side of it . There was a square of bright light over me and I climbed toward it . When I reached the top , I hesitated , poking my head up so that I could see . Toward the bow there was no one . On the stern , I could see a couple of men and one of the creatures . There was nothing that we could do . Either we stayed , trapped in the passageway , or we tried to get to the bow where we could dive into the river . I ducked back , leaned close to Eric and whispered the plan to him . We would run across the deck and leap into the water , letting the current take us away from the ship . I said , " Yeah , " and then peeked up again . I saw that the men and the creature were looking at something on the shore , facing away from me . I used that diversion to exit the hatch . I stepped onto the deck , turned and ran for the bow . As I dodged around one of the masts , I ran into a sailor , bowling him over . I pounced on him , driving my fist into his face . He grunted in pain and as I punched him a second time he caught my hand . He twisted my arm and I began falling to the right . As I did , there was a scratch and then a boom as someone fired a flintlock pistol . I felt , rather than heard , the ball whiz by my head and heard it smash into the wood of the mast . A man was standing on the stern , wrapped in a cloud of blue gun smoke . And then Eric was beside me . He kicked the sailor in the side . The man grunted and fell to the deck . Eric reached down and grabbed my wrist , jerking me to my feet . I turned and saw a sailor coming at us , his sword held high . There was another shot that did nothing . I dropped and kicked , hitting the man with the sword in the knee . He toppled right , losing his grip on his sword . Eric danced in and grabbed it . He spun around to face another sailor . I turned and saw the captain standing there . He held the Mauser , aiming at Christine . I dived at him , cutting his legs from out from under him . He crashed to his side . He rolled to the right , trying to get up . I scrambled to my feet and jumped , knocking him down again . When he dropped the Mauser , I dived for it , snatching it . There was another shot from a flintlock and the wet slap of a bullet hitting flesh . As I rolled clear , I saw Huana fall to the deck , a spreading stain of crimson on her back . Another of the Spanish was raising his weapon , ready to shoot . I fired first , the slug catching him in the throat . He fell to the deck and didn 't move . Eric , swinging the captured sword , leaped toward Huana . He chopped at one man with all his might . The man fought back , parrying each of the blows , but losing ground . He stumbled then , throwing up a hand . Eric swung , chopping it off . The sailor shrieked and fell to his side , cradling his wounded arm in his other hand . Blood pumped onto the deck . I reached Christine and pushed her toward the bow . As she jumped over the railing , there was a shot . It missed her and I heard her splash into the water . I glanced over and saw her swimming away in long , graceful strokes . Eric was cutting his way toward me . A man leaped between us . There was a flurry of activity , the blades ringing against one another and then the point of Eric 's sword was protruding from his adversary 's back . The man fell to the deck with a low , quiet groan . Overhead came the flapping of leather wings . One of the creatures was screaming out of the sky like a fighter plane attacking a trench . I aimed and fired . There was a burst of red and the beast flipped out of the way . It disappeared over the side of the ship . And then four men swarmed from a hatch , all of them attacking Eric . He shouted , a call meant for the Vikings in Valhalla . He waded in , chopping and hacking , screaming at the top of his lungs . I wanted to help , but couldn 't find a clear target . I held my fire and saw Eric driven to his knees , blood covering his face , chest and arms . He kept shouting at them , his voice lost in the noise of battle . Eric fell to the deck as the sailors hacked at him . I fired at them . Two dropped , blood on their clothes but I didn 't know whose blood it might be . One turned toward me , his sword raised , his teeth bared . I put a round in his face . The last man standing turned to flee . There was nothing more I could do . Eric had been literally hacked to pieces . His blood spread over the deck in a thick , red mass . I could see his bones and his lungs and knew that he was dead . With that , I tucked the pistol into my belt and whirled . Someone fired a flintlock . Someone fired an arrow . I dived over the railing and hit the water . I pulled myself away from the ship underwater . I opened my eyes , could see the sunlight filtering down . There was a snap beside me and I saw the twisted path of a bullet through the water . A second and third shots were fired but they missed as well . I surfaced , gulped at the air and ducked back as two or three others fired at me . An arrow cut close . Then there was silence and I burst up again , sucking at the air . In front of me I saw Christine , still swimming as fast as she could . She stared at me , her eyes filling with tears . She turned and reached for the root of a tree , dragging herself up , out of the water . She stood for a moment and then collapsed to the ground . I crawled up after her . I wiped the water from my face and looked back at the Spanish ship . There was activity all over it , but no one seemed inclined to give chase . One man stood on the bow , firing arrows at the water . They fell far short of where we were hiding . I moved to her and held her . She was shaking and I wondered if it was her attempt to control her emotions or if she was cold from the water . We stood close for a moment and then I let her go and turned . Together , we headed to the south , along the bank of the river . To the right of us was thick jungle , so dense that we couldn 't see more than a couple of feet into it . A giant green wall climbed high above us . To the left were a few scattered bushes , some tall trees , their roots dipping into the water and , of course , the wide expanse of the river . The water was clear and in some places so shallow that we could easily see the bottom . We could see the fish swimming just under the surface . It didn 't take us long to put distance between us and the Spanish ship . I stopped frequently , but there was no sign of pursuit . It was as if the men on the ship didn 't care that we had gotten away . Of course , I had shot the captain and if there wasn 't a well established chain of command , the sailors might be fighting among themselves for the top spot . Not the best way to run a military command , but one that would allow us to get out of here before they got organized . We kept traveling , staying close to the river . I figured that it would provide us with food and with a means of travel . All we had to do was remain patient . After an hour or so , we stopped to rest . I took out the pistol and examined it . Using my shirt , I cleaned it as best I could . When I was finished , we started moving again , always heading away from the Spanish ship and the little bit of civilization that we had seen near it . We finally came to a small dock . There was a wide spot in the jungle and the trail leading into it . I looked up the trail but it was like looking into a long , green tunnel with nothing visible at the far end . I turned and saw the boat tied to the dock . It was a reed boat , woven with loving care . The weave was so tight that there was only a little water in the bottom of it . Without thinking , I pushed Christine toward it . When she stepped down into it , I slipped the rope from the pole on the dock and climbed in beside her . I leaned back and shoved . We floated out to the middle of the river , were caught in the current and began the next stage of our journey . That was a question that I hadn 't thought about . Someone had made this boat and they hadn 't done it for my benefit . I had just slipped the rope stealing it . Taking the boat was wrong , and I knew it , but I wanted to get out and this , I believed , was the quickest way . She looked at me and then , without a word , stretched out in the bottom of the boat . She looked as if she was going to speak but then said nothing . She closed her eyes and in moments , surprising me , she was asleep . I sat there for several minutes , watching the shore , waiting for a pursuit . When it didn 't develop , I shrugged and laid down next to Christine . I reached out and touched her sun hot skin , smiled at her and thought that things might work out . I shoved the thoughts of Huana and Eric from my mind . I would have to deal with all that later , when I had the chance . Now I needed to stay alert . And in that , I failed . We were taken below by several of the Spanish sailors armed with swords and daggers . The leader had an old flintlock pistol tucked into his belt , but I think it was more ornamental than functional . As one of the sailors opened the hatch , two of the creatures landed on the deck . They stood away from us , studying us with those blood red eyes . The sailors didn 't seem to be concerned about them landing there . And then we were below the decks being lead down a narrow , short passageway . The leader stopped near a hatch , used a large key to open the lock . When the door was opened , he gestured . I ducked and entered . The women followed and Eric brought up the rear . The interior was dark . There were chains fastened to beams over our heads , but the Spanish didn 't enter . They merely closed the hatch and locked us in . I turned around slowly and inspected what I could see . There was a dim square of light at the door where there was a small , square window with two thick bars set in it . The deck under us was wood and except for the chains hanging from the beam , there was nothing else in our prison . Christine sat down , her back against the wall . She drew her legs up and propped her chin on her knees . She didn 't say anything to any of us . I rubbed a hand on my face and stood up . I moved to the window and looked out . There was no one in the corridor outside our cell , but that didn 't matter . There wasn 't a way for us to escape from it easily . No one responded to that and I wasn 't sure where I was going with it , so I let it drop . I paced off the cell , discovering that it was quite long and very narrow . In the darkness I could hear the scrambling of tiny claws on the wood and was sure that there were rates in there with us . Rats seemed to have invaded all the world 's environments but I said nothing to the others about them . We didn 't need to worry about rats . I sat down and closed my eyes . I hadn 't realized how tired I was . We hadn 't gotten much sleep in the last few days . We had been on the run almost from the moment we jumped from the window in the palace . Without realizing it , I fell asleep . And then was awakened by the door of the cell banging open . I sat up with a start and saw two huge men , each holding a sword . One of them growled at us . " Captain wants to see you now . " I stood up and moved toward the door , a hand up , protecting my eyes . As I stepped into the corridor , I blinked . When the others had joined me , all of us were taken to the captain 's cabin . Outside it , we waited while the guard knocked . There was a muffled response from the inside and we were told to enter . The cabin was in the stern of the ship . Across the open door was a wide window that looked out on the river . Surrounding it were statues and vases and goblets of jewel encrusted gold . There was a carpet on the floor , made of the finest wool . There were bars of gold in one corner and bars of silver in another . The cabin was loaded with treasure worth millions of dollars . He was a big man , burly . He had long black hair , a huge beard and small , brown eyes . His hands were huge , looking as if they were too big for his body . As we entered , he sat up and boomed , " Who are you ? " He had me on that one . I didn 't know what to say to him , but that problem was quickly forgotten when he said , " I am the duly appointed representative of the King of Spain . You are on land that belongs to the King . Have you his permission to be here ? " " A likely story , " he boomed . He waved a hand around the room indicating his treasure . " I believe you are spies , or pirates , come to steal all this from my King . " " My father made a journey here a number of years ago . He has not returned . I , " he stopped and waved a hand and then continued , " we have come to find him . " The captain decided to ignore me and picked up one of the jeweled goblets . He held it up to the light . " A beautiful thing , " he said . " Made by some of the finest craftsmen in this world . It 's worth a great deal of money anywhere in the world . " He looked at me as if I was trying to get information from him . He smiled showing broken , yellowed teeth . " It will do you no good because Governor Pizzaro has already conquered the Incas bringing them into the realm of Spain . " When he said it , it all fell into place for me . It was why I had recognized some of it . Why it had seemed familiar . I remembered some of the accounts I had read about the Inner Earth that contained the theory that the Inca had escaped into the caves of the Andes taking their treasure and culture with them . And now I was seeing that some of the Spanish had followed . I snapped my head around and looked at Christine . The moon ! She had mentioned a festival of the moon . But a group who lived in the perpetual daylight of the Inner Earth wouldn 't have seen the moon . They would no nothing of a moon . That was an obvious carry over from the time that they had lived on the surface of the planet . This was an anthropologist 's dream . A culture that had been destroyed centuries ago was now found to have survived , partially , living in a remote spot inside the Earth . Sure , there were changes , but not all that many . I felt the excitement build . This was a significant find . The gold , the silver , and the treasure paled in comparison to the value to science . I rubbed my hand over my face as these thoughts flashed through my mind . This was a discovery on par with Colombus and the New World . Sure , other had been there before Colombus , but he was the one who returned with the information that allowed others to follow . Now I was in a position to do the same . Some of my books are now available immediately as ebooks . There are some new , original books available as Kindle ebooks through Amazon . com . They range in price from 0 . 99 cents to about five bucks . Others are available as hard copy books but are more expensive . If you enjoy one of the books , please post a review of it . For information on UFOs , please look at A Different Perspective at http : / / kevinrandle . blogspot . com . Thanks .
Esther Marie Greenhall received the news of her father 's death on a Friday afternoon in March as she sat alone in the schoolhouse , smelling the hickory smoke from the heating stove and resting her feet on the riser underneath it . She sat in the chalk dust and ate Miss Lydia 's brown bread spread thick with currant jelly . She did not eat with the students at the dinner hour , because their hungry gaze made her feel guilty , and she relished the few minutes in the afternoon after the students left but before she closed the door to the little board - and - batten schoolhouse behind her . She would have shared with the children if there had been enough , but she was not our Lord and Savior who could feed the many with a single slab of bread . The knock at the door troubled her , and not only because her afternoon meal was interrupted , or because it seemed to her that there was no real refuge . No , the knock on the door troubled her because she knew its brisk rap as the knock of a messenger , and she could think of very few messages she would receive . Just the one , she thought ; just the report that her father did not finish the winter . When she 'd returned to Gonzales in December , she 'd held out hope he 'd survive the snake bite he 'd received in the last warmth of October summer . One look at his leg had revealed there was no hope to be had . It had shrunk , was dead weight , and swung at an odd angle . When he 'd pulled his trousers up , she 'd put her hand to her mouth in both surprise and revulsion ; the poison had rotted him from the inside and his leg had been black - gray and shriveled , ashy like a log burned on a hearth , caught in that moment before disintegration and collapse . She 'd said : " Father , " and he 'd only nodded . " Survived one , " he told her . " Thought I 'd survive this one . " Later , but before she 'd returned to Cuero and to Miss Lydia 's brown bread , Esther 's brother Jeremiah had told her about the hoodoo her father had tried , catching a toad and tying it to his leg with a bit of twine . When the toad died , her father told Jeremiah the poison had gone from his leg into the frog , and that he 'd be fine now . " But it didn 't work , " Jeremiah said , and Esther had been furious with her father . Not only didn 't he amputate when he should have to save his own life , but he 'd opened the Greenhall family to further speculation about insanity , and the busybodies of Gonzales , Texas had already had a feast on that line of gossip . The knock again . She slid the clasp back from the latch , and when the door swung open , Uriel Meyer stood on the threshold . " Letter came , " Uriel said , and he took off his hat and twisted it in his hands . He didn 't need to say more . She turned , damped the fire in the stove , smoothed her dress with the heels of her hands . She was aware of her posture , of the lines of her face , of the sobriety of her expression . People would be watching her , looking for signs of the madness that had taken her mother . But not her , she thought . She took Uriel 's hand as he led her out of the schoolhouse . Miss Lydia pressed preserves on to her , plums and peaches and pears put up in the new glass Mason jars that Esther knew were so expensive . Between Cuero and Gonzales there was a rail line , and so Esther could take an extra trunk , unlike if she 'd taken a stage coach . She marveled at the light within the jars , at the way the glass captured and pooled the sunlight until the very last second when the trunk lid winked it out . She was carrying last summer in Cuero , and the thought eased her mind . She was returning to a mess , to the black shell of a house her mother had burned , to a shack of cedar planks and tarpaper , to her young brother who had recently lost both mother and father . But she was returning with money in her pocket . They would rebuild . Their land was black , good for anything really , sandy down along the creek bed . They 'd plant cotton in the black earth , melons and squash down by the sand . They 'd run Charolais cattle in the bottomland , and get a Jersey for milk . They 'd build a house , too , and it wouldn 't be as nice as the one that had been licked by the flames , the one that had blackened and crumbled just like her father 's leg , but it would be fine . Joseph Snyder , the town doctor , met her at the depot , and helped load the trunks on to his buggy . He 'd been the one to send the telegram , and was waiting for her train . " Sorry about your daddy , " he told her , hoisting a trunk up to the backboard . " He wouldn 't let me take the leg . " " Dry bite , " Doc Snyder said , and Esther noticed he was completely gray through his beard . He was nearing fifty . Two years ago , before she 'd left for Cuero , he 'd asked her to marry him , and she 'd refused . Now Dr . Snyder was married to Mae Evans , and Esther wondered if being Mrs . Dr . Snyder would have been such a bad thing . " That first bite was a dry bite , " Doc Snyder continued . " No poison . Rattlesnakes don 't always poison when they bite you . That 's why he didn 't die the first time . But I couldn 't convince your father that that was the case . " " Oh , he 's fine , " Doc Snyder said . " Still wanting to go to seminary , but knows he can 't . It 's been hard on him being out here all by himself , but he 's fifteen now , and a young man . " For a moment there was only the creak of tack leather , the slow plodding of the horses , the pop of gravel caught under the buggy wheel . The sun was slipping in the west , but there would still be light when she got home , and she 'd show Jeremiah how those glass jars caught the sunshine . She 'd even open one , she thought , maybe peaches , and if there was any flour or meal , she 'd make biscuits . " How long you going to do this ? " Doc Snyder asked her . She smelled the linseed oil he 'd used on the board , and she ran her hands over its smooth surface . " Do what ? " she said absently . She wished he 'd be quiet again , because she liked him better that way , and right now , she was paying more attention to how her body knew she was almost home , the way she vibrated slightly , like a struck tuning fork . She closed her eyes , and still she knew she was home , and she sucked in a long breath . He clucked his tongue in disapproval , and she thought that was very doctor - ish of him . He 'd been a surgeon and a dentist in the Confederate Army , and every once in a while , she caught a glimpse of that man , of the soldier hiding behind civilian clothes . " You won 't make it . You likely won 't make it through the summer . You sure as hell won 't make it through the winter . " " You ain 't gonna make it , Esther , " he told her . " And it 's not just you . It 's your brother , too , and starvation 's a slow , miserable death . People starve to death every day in this county , so don 't pretend you don 't know . Why don 't you sell your piece , and send Jeremiah to seminary ? You 'll never be able to do anything with it , just the two of you . " " And what should I do ? " Esther said , at last letting her irritation show . One bend , a long stretch through a bottomland , and another turn and she 'd be home . " Should I teach school in Cuero all my life ? " " I got a brother in Blanco County , " Doc Snyder said at last . " He 's a widower , too , with three children . Been wanting to marry again . Name 's Paul . " " Well , that 's fine , " Doc Snyder said . " You let me know when you change your mind . When you 're ready to sell your land , I 'll buy it . Mae 's always loved your spot down there in the pines , and we 'd sell the rest in parcels . Give us some place to get away , just the two of us . " She imagined Mae Snyder walking down near her bit of creek , tearing down the ruins of the house , and she bit her tongue . " Hi , Doc , " Jeremiah said , and she hugged him tightly to her . He returned the hug , and then helped her with her two trunks . When they were safely deposited in the yard of their temporary home - how it hurt her to lose their real home - Doc Snyder hitched up his trousers and climbed back up . " Remember what I said , now , Esther . " She nodded , biting her lip , and watched the old bay gelding slowly plod his way home . The light was fading , and Jeremiah lit a kerosene lamp , and she went inside and watched the sooty coils climb toward the ceiling . " Oh , Jeremiah , " she said , running her fingertips underneath her lashes , brushing away the tingling feeling that told her she would soon be sobbing . " He wants to buy this land . He wants me to send you to seminary , and marry his brother . " Jeremiah sat back on his tick mattress , and Esther recognized a quilt her mother had pieced . " Well , " he said . " I guess we can 't let that happen . " And she was so grateful that he agreed , that he hadn 't insisted that he go to seminary , or that they should give up the hard life they 'd been dealt . She sat in the rude one - room shack , on the bed that had once been her father 's , and she thought about how far they 'd fallen , and about what a mighty effort it would take to lift them back up . It was almost April , so Esther got a late start on the cold frame vegetables , but Jeremiah had started some kohlrabi and some cabbages , and they ate dandelion greens and purslane , and they had Miss Lydia 's preserves yet , and plenty of last year 's oats . She started tomatoes in the cold frame , rolling her sleeves far up to her elbow , and she had Jeremiah mend fences so they could get a dairy cow right away . When she looked around , she could hardly imagine how her father and her brother had lived here for the nearly two years since her mother had burned the house down . The bricks that had once been the chimney still teetered at an odd angle and threatened to come down , and knowing Greenhall luck , they would land on something Esther didn 't want them to land on , the few Rhode Island reds that still ran about the place , maybe , or Jeremiah 's head . " We need to pull that down and clear out the root cellar , " she told Jeremiah , but every morning they woke with too much to do , and every night they sat at the rough table for supper , then washed their faces in the cracked basin , and lay down on their beds to sleep the sleep of the overworked . She sat back in her chair , her elbow resting on the edge of the table . She 'd meant they needed to think about rebuilding , about filling the barn with hay for the winter , about saving seeds for next spring and planning a cotton crop for some spending money . She hadn 't meant school , and at fifteen , Jeremiah would be the oldest boy in the schoolroom , by far . " Why ? " She washed up while Jeremiah went back to mending fence and she thought about what he said . Ever since her father had taught Jeremiah to read , Jeremiah had been nose deep in his Bible . He 'd learned the Greek of the New Testament from the Gonzales school teacher , Mr . Purdy , and often at night , she heard him chanting declensions under his breath as he went to sleep . When Mr . Purdy 'd left to go to Austin , he 'd given Jeremiah a small volume of the Gospels in Greek , and even Esther liked to look at this book , because though she couldn 't read Greek , she understood the letters and could piece out the pronunciations . It seemed such a shame for him to not go to seminary , when he had wanted it for so very long . But what about what she wanted ? She wanted to stay here on this piece of land , the place that had nurtured her father , and the place where her mother , father , and her infant sister had all drawn their last breaths and were buried , and she wanted to prove to Gonzales and to herself that the Greenhall madness had only been Greenhall bad luck , and that she and Jeremiah were nothing to be afraid of . The house was gone , but that was even more reason for her to stay : she was the link in this chain and it was her responsibility to rebuild , and especially not to allow Mae Snyder to divide up her family 's property . After she 'd been home for ten days , she used some of her money to buy a Jersey cow from Caleb Williams . The cow had recently calved , so there was plenty of fresh milk , and even though it wasn 't time to milk her , Esther thought she 'd give it a try anyway . She tied the rope to a post in the barn , and gave the cow some feed to keep her busy . When she sat down on the stool , she scraped the legs against the barn floor , and the sound spooked the cow . The cow bucked , jerked the rope tight , and pulled until the post threatened to give . The rope frayed under the strain , but the cow continued to pull . When the cow 's eyes bulged , and its tongue flopped heavily to one side , Esther knew the cow was choking , and she tried to get her hand between the rope and the cow 's neck to get some slack . The cow set its feet and pulled back , fighting Esther , fighting the rope . It lowed pathetically , and Esther was near tears as the cow , in panic , continued to choke itself . Esther pitied the poor dumb beast , but was even more afraid to lose the investment she 'd made . At last , as the cow began to cough and sputter , Esther recalled enough of her wits to untie the rope from the post , instead of working on the part of the rope looped around the cow 's neck . When she walked behind the cow to get to the other side of the barn to free the rope , she bent to lift her skirts over the rope , and the cow kicked her square in the cheek . She felt her jaw crumple , and she tasted the iron taste of blood and felt the sharpness of broken teeth . She pulled the rope free of the post , and the cow backed away . She thought for a minute that maybe she was ruined , that maybe this would kill her . Lots of people died from jaw injuries , from the loss of teeth , from an inability to eat . She 'd have to go into town to Doc Snyder , and get him to fix her tooth . Doc Snyder came out in a waist coat , took one look at her , and rushed down the steps to grab her by the elbow . " You 're all right , " he told her , pulling her up the steps and into his house . " Jeremiah tells me you had a run - in with a cow . " She imagined his calm voice had had this lulling , soothing effect on scores of men , men on the battlefield in faraway states like Virginia and South Carolina . He sat her down at his kitchen table , and she saw Mae Snyder in the parlor , pretending she wasn 't staring . " Now let me take a look , " he said , pulling her hands away from her face . When she opened her mouth , blood ran over her chin and down onto her throat , and for a second , she panicked and clawed her throat , because she didn 't like the tickling feeling of the blood , and she wondered if she had bit her tongue and didn 't know it . Her jaw was broken , mashed to jelly , and the teeth were in bad shape . Doc Snyder pulled out the muslin and looked at it with interest . Behind him , Jeremiah looked on with the same wide - eyed expression he 'd worn during the entire drive into town . " You broke two teeth . They 've got to come out . We leave them there and they rot , do you understand ? They rot this whole jaw . " He ran a light finger from her ear to the tip of her chin . " They 're coming out . " He left the room . After a minute , he returned with his doctor 's bag . " Esther . " He set the bag on the table , pulled out a glass vial and a wire frame . " I 'm going to administer ether while I take out your teeth . It won 't hurt at all . " He rested a hand on her shoulder . " Mae , " he said to his wife . " Why don 't you take Mr . Greenhall to the parlor and then get my table ready ? " He helped her to her feet . " You must be on the table when I give it to you . You will sleep immediately , and I won 't be able to move you . " He led her down the hallway into his examination room . Mae laid a fresh white sheet on the table , and beside the table , Esther saw all manner of instruments on a silver tray . Doc Snyder caught her looking . " It 's a turn - key , " he said , holding up one of the instruments . " Forceps , molar forceps . " He pointed to the other instruments . " Stump screw . Lancet . You 'll be asleep , Esther . You 'll wake up , and I 'll have fixed everything . " She noticed his straight white teeth for the first time . He took a case bound in patent leather and when he opened it , she saw rows of porcelain teeth , lovely to look at almost , but hideous all the same . " It 's just some broken teeth . Worse things happen all the time . " He took her hand and helped her on to the operating table . Behind him , Mae Snyder held a handful of gauze , but Esther couldn 't see very well . He laid her down , and took a length of gauze from his wife . " I 'm going to bind your hands loosely , " he told her , still in that same calm voice . " To keep your limbs in place once you fall asleep . If you were to move during surgery , you could hurt yourself . Or wake up . " He folded her arms across her chest , and then bound her hands together . " Now your legs . " " Now the mask , " he said , and he fitted the mask into place . Across the wire frame , he drew four pieces of gauze , but there were several inches still between the gauze and her face . He frowned . " The mask won 't work , " he said . " It covers the tooth . Don 't you feel this ? " He pressed lightly on her mangled jaw , and her stomach turned . " Mae , we 'll just damp a cloth , " and he took the mask off of Esther and handed it to his wife . Mae came forward and stood beside Esther , resting her hands calmly on the side of the table . She held a piece of gauze , and Doc Snyder cut a groove on the cork of a bottle . " Now , " Doc Snyder said , and he took the gauze and a wicked - smelling liquid dripped out . " Cover her eyes , Mae . To protect them , " he added to Esther . The battlefields , she remembered somewhat incongruously . She wasn 't that different from those young men , scared and vulnerable . She woke in the twilight , her head fuzzy , and her jaw throbbing , and she didn 't know where she was . She reached for her mother , expecting her to be near , as she had been when Esther was a child , but her mother was not close by , not sitting beside her , reading Psalms and Proverbs in a soothing , susurrus whisper , and Esther felt the loss of something bigger even than this , but there was no measure for it , no word , and so after a moment , the loss diminished , and she felt the tears well up , because she missed even that empty feeling , because it told her how she 'd once been filled . She moved her hands , loosened the gauze tie , and she covered her face with them , feeling gently that corner of her mouth the cow had kicked , and the whole drama with her mother played out once more : the abandonment of the Old Testament and the Gospels , the embracing of Revelation , the nights they would find her mother down by the willows preaching and ranting . The obsession with fire , and then finally , the last of it : her mother had lain down on the parlor floor in their old house , placed the Bible on her chest , and reached her hand into the hearth . The flames had spread up her sleeve , had giddily , gleefully consumed her , and Esther 's father had hardly had time to get Jeremiah out of his bed and out into the yard before the house had begun to crumble . Esther had been in Cuero then , in her first year as a schoolteacher , and Esther thought now that even in Cuero she had realized that something had happened in Gonzales , that something had slipped and gone off its track . She jerked to see him . He was in full shadow , in a gilt mahogany chair , and his elbows perched on the arm rests . His hands were folded underneath his chin . When he saw her reaction , he spread them in a calming gesture , and said : " You 're fine , Esther . You have two new porcelain teeth , and I filled a carie with lead . You 're better than you were yesterday , before you met the wrong end of a cow . " ' I just wondered , with your history , what you believe will happen to you when you die . " He uncrossed his legs and came to stand next to her , and he untied the gauze strip around her knees , on the outside of her skirts . He held a hand out to her , but she was not ready to sit up just yet . " Not everybody comes out of the ether , you know . " His eyes were dark in the shadows , but she felt his gaze on her . " But you were never in any real danger , I think . I was here . " He turned away , and she felt her legs where the gauze had been , not trusting this body that had come out of the ether , not sure she was all there . " I don 't think you do , Esther . " He kept repeating her name , she thought , when nobody had said her name in a long time . She could not tell what was real and what was shadow , and she hated the feeling , hated the fact that she was born into a family whose blood line carried seeds of madness . She closed her eyes and did her best to ignore him , rolling away toward the wall , one hand placed still on her jaw , the other wrapped around her waist protectively . " I know only a few people who truly believe in God , " he continued . " Your mother was one , and look at all the good that did . Your brother is another . " Esther felt his insinuation , that she was being foolish and should send her brother to seminary . " Other people , " he said , and he inclined his head in a way that let Esther know he meant her , " are mad in different ways . " He was punishing her for that refusal two years ago . He clapped his hands , changed his demeanor . " Well , " he said . " I think I 've sat too long in the dark . Jeremiah 's waiting for you , drinking all our coffee at the kitchen table . " He reached his hand to her again , and this time she took it . She stood , swaying slightly on her feet , and her hands ran along her hips , making sure her body still moved , was still connected . " I 'm not leaving , " she told him . " I 'm not going anywhere . " She reclaimed the kitchen garden , and Jeremiah fixed the broken blade on the plow , and they thrashed enough hay for the winter for their Jersey cow , and for the old mare , and their peach trees produced , and Esther sliced peaches and laid the slices on a blanket on the roof for three days until they were dried . She turned her attention especially to preserving , to getting the two of them through the winter , because if they survived this one , then they would be fine . They 'd start next spring early , setting out seeds in the cold frames in February , and they 'd be ready to plant cotton for spending money , and then after next summer , they 'd be ready to rebuild the house . She bought one hundred and forty four pint jars , and one hundred and forty four quart jars , and it had taken nearly all her teaching money , but by the end of August , she was convinced of the wisdom of her investment , because those jars would last forever . They did not have a cellar anymore , because the old house had caved in upon it , and the chimney balanced precariously even above this , so Jeremiah made rough shelves along the windowless walls of the shack , and she lined them with beans , with pickled cucumbers and beets , with chow - chow , and mustang grape jelly . She spent hours bent over the stove , canning in a water bath while her hair was tied up in a cloth . Jeremiah kept her woodpile stocked , and every jar on the shelf was a bulwark against starvation , and she watched with satisfaction as the stock on the shelves grew each day . One night , as the weather grew cool again , she fried greens and radishes in grease , and they sat down to supper in the dusk . Jeremiah hummed an old hymn , and it was like they were strangers , but in a good way , like they had worked so hard all summer long that they hardly knew each other , and like they had the colder months to get reacquainted . Winter in south Texas was brief , and it rarely froze , but it was hard to coax anything green from the land , and they 'd spend the time with seed catalogs , and repairing tack , woodwork , clothes . But they wouldn 't starve to death , she thought , despite what everybody had told her , because she and Jeremiah had worked hard . She didn 't know what she wanted just yet , but she thought it was okay anyway , and thought she had a few years until Jeremiah was ready to marry , and that by then they 'd be settled . She thought about Paul Snyder , and she thought she might never marry at all , and that seemed like a good thing to her . When they built the house over the coming years , she 'd make sure there was plenty of room for Jeremiah and his wife and children , but plenty of room for herself as well , because she could see , in the distance , a time coming when she would be able to relax a bit , would be able to rest and read . In the old house , there had been a piano , and her mother had taught her to play , and it seemed there were worse things in life than to play piano and read and take care of nieces and nephews . Thinking about the piano , and how heavy it was , made her remember the time her mother had made her father carry the piano outside , into the dirt of the front yard , because a photographer had been coming , and they had taken a family portrait . That photograph was gone , burnt up in the fire , but she remembered it still , remembered how she and Jeremiah had been barefoot and clinging to their father , and how their mother had leaned solemnly on the piano . The piano was her mother 's most prized possession , and her mother had wanted it in the photograph . At the very edge of the photograph , at the edge of the porch , her father had placed an empty chair for the child who had died , for Esther 's older sister , whom she had never met . They had had to be still for a long time , and the photographer instructed them to relax their face . She remembered all of this now , even though she hadn 't thought of it in a long time . The idea of the empty chair spooked her , the thought of her sister 's ghost , and she thought of the ghosts who had been added since then . Jeremiah kept eating , crunching the radishes in his teeth , and she wondered if he remembered the piano , too . Esther didn 't crunch the radishes in the same way , as her teeth were still tender . The porcelain teeth didn 't seem to sit quite right , and Doc Snyder had told her that the lead filling would take at least six months or more to be smooth . The more she chewed , he told her , the smoother it would be , but she couldn 't bring herself to bite too hard because she feared the pain . " Jeremiah , " she said at last , breaking their companionable silence . " Are you going to be happy if you spend the rest of your life on this farm with me ? " He looked up at her , his eyes quick and flashing , and she felt for a moment her selfishness . But it wasn 't selfishness . Few people got to do everything they wanted to do in life . She watched him . " You could marry , you know . You could bring a wife here , after we build the house , and she could live here , too . " She snorted lightly . " The only real prospect I have is Doc Snyder 's brother , and he 's a hundred miles away in Blanco County . If I marry him , I 'd never see you again , or this piece of land . I 'd leave one day and never come back . " She shook her head . " There 's no rail line between here and Blanco . I 'd have to take a stage coach . The trip would take a week , " she said , thinking of how miserable that week would be , shut up inside a coach . " You and I both know that would be it . " Jeremiah made no reaction , so she thought for a moment that that might be what he wanted . She sighed heavily and picked at her food . But Jeremiah heard the sigh , and he said : " No , I don 't want you to do that . We 'll make it . We 'll rebuild the house . " " We need a root cellar again , " she said . " We need a place to store all of these jars " - and again she felt that swelling of pride - " and potatoes and winter squash . " She heard the wind whistle through the cedar boards , and she looked around her . " This can be the summer kitchen , " she said . At first , the tongues wagged when they returned to church , and she and Jeremiah took an out of the way spot in one of the rear pews . It bothered her , but she saw how it affected him , how he watched the preacher , how he closed his eyes tightly when the congregation prayed , and how his fingers followed the verses in his Bible . Jeremiah especially loved the most ancient stuff , the stories of the patriarchs and of the Exodus , and she couldn 't help but find comfort in the idea of a land of milk and honey , even though she couldn 't bring herself to believe in it exactly . She warmed clay bricks in the fire as they ate their early morning breakfast , and wrapped them in flannel blankets for the ride to town . It was not yet very cold , but she wanted them to be comfortable . Doc Snyder was Lutheran , and attended a different church , and she had no need to see him all that long winter , and she wondered if his brother Paul had ever found a bride . " Jeremiah , " she said , when she came inside . He sat at the table burning a coal oil lamp , his Bible open to Leviticus . " It 'll be cold tonight . " " They 're fine , " he said , raising a hand as if to silence her , and she didn 't want to bother him , so she left him alone and busied herself with blankets . He had not returned to school that fall , and she knew he wanted the evenings so he could study . She washed her face in the basin , and then she went to sleep , with Jeremiah still studying at the table . When the first sound woke her , the house was dark and still . She heard a high whining , as of a swarm of bees , but she could not place it . It was freezing , and she didn 't want to get out of bed . She stoked the coals on the hearth , trying to fan the fire , and beside her , she heard Jeremiah loading wood into the stove . " The ashes , Jeremiah , " she said , grabbing a jar and burying it in the warmth , but as soon as the jar was in place , she heard the shattering sound , and she knew the ashes were too hot for the cold jars . Around her , the jars continued to splinter and break apart , and each pop made her jump . She fetched the blanket off her bed , and Jeremiah managed to light the kerosene lamp , and when she saw her work in the light , and what it had been reduced to , she began to cry in earnest . Jeremiah took her by the shoulders , and they stood as the last few jars froze and exploded . It took another hour for all of those jars to bust open , and every new shattering sound broke something inside her as well . She didn 't know what she could have done differently , because any attempt to warm them up had been useless . It was the boards , she thought , the way they 'd stored them , all lined single file against the walls . In a root cellar , they would never have frozen solid and expanded , the transformation so violent and strong that it undid all of them . In a root cellar , they would have been protected , unexposed , but the root cellar was gone to her and Jeremiah , and they had not yet excavated it nor dug another . The last three jars were the worst , because it was done , but it wasn 't over . Jeremiah led her to bed , and sat beside her while she cried , and after a while , he laid down , too , and he held her , because they both knew it was over , that there was nothing left to do but starve to death . In the morning , she stayed in bed , listening to Jeremiah sweeping up the glass . Around noon , she got herself out of bed , washed her face , put on the same woolen dress that she had worn home from Cuero that day almost a year ago , only now it was threadbare and ragged , as if the year had been extra tough on it . When Jeremiah saw her harnessing the old mare , he came to help , but she waved him away . " No , " she said . She led the mare out into the yard , and when she climbed into the wagon , she covered her lap with blankets . She clicked the reins on the horse 's back , and she set off at a brisk trot to Doc Snyder 's , and the thing she hated most was that the thought that she had lost a little bit of dignity , that if she had just taken him up on his offer a year ago , then she wouldn 't look like such a fool now , a woman with a bandaged face who had once thought things could be different . She tried not to think about the ghosts on her farm , and how they were her ghosts , and about how she was about to be set free in a world full of the ghosts of strangers . For the last time she wondered if she shouldn 't have married Doc Snyder when she had the chance , because she didn 't trust them , these stranger 's ghosts . They were from different country , from different air , but not for long . Now every bit of air was hers , every bit of country , or none of it at all . Nancy Wayson Dinan earned an MFA from the Ohio State University in 2013 and is currently a PhD student in fiction at Texas Tech University . Her writing has appeared in The Journal , Watershed Review , The Fiddleback , and elsewhere . She can 't resist old cemeteries and historical markers , and has been known to drive several hours for good barbecue .
Peter recalled that conversation , the last normal conversation he 'd had . " Seven Devils , boy . You have to kill them all at once , or they come back . " She laughed , sticking her bony finger in his face . " What the hell are you pointing at ? " He slapped at the finger , but she was too quick . Old age had taken nothing but her looks away from her . " I can see them , " she cackled . The last three teeth in her head were black . The urge to strangle the life out of her was overwhelming . " No , you choose not to see them , but they see you . " Her laughter became hysterics , her eyes watered as she cawed . She pushed back from the table trying to stand . Her back arched with decades of arthritis and rough living . " We 're not done here ! " Peter slammed his fist on the table . The crystal in the center bounced out of its holder and rolled to the edge , but it didn 't fall . The damned thing stopped itself as if out of pure defiance . The old woman whirled around so fast , Peter saw nothing but a blur of black fabric . She pointed her gnarled finger at him again . " Don 't upset the glass , boy . There are worse things in there than your ill - tempered petulance . " She waddled back and picked up the ball , caressing its smooth surface like a lover . The old woman whipped around the flap where she 'd left and made contact with his skull , using only that damned finger . Peter fell on his ass . His teeth smacked down on his lip , and he tasted blood . " I didn 't say we were finished , boy . Didn 't anyone ever tell you it 's impolite to wander through someone 's tent smashing their things ? " She was an inch from his face now and he could smell the stench of those three rotting teeth . " Take this box and hold it until midnight . Open it on the stroke of twelve and not a second before or you 'll regret it . " The old woman dropped the box into his lap . The pain was immediate . The box was ironwood and whatever was inside felt like it weighed a ton . " Midnight and not a second before , if you know what 's good for you , now get out ! " She cradled the ball in her arms and waddled back out of the tent mumbling something . He didn 't know what it was ; he couldn 't speak the language but he had an idea it was derogatory . Peter picked himself up and took hold of the box . For a moment , he had a strong urge to leave it on the floor and take off , but it passed and he walked out to his motorcycle . The bike was a used piece of shit he 'd bartered for when he arrived . He needed a fast getaway ; if all else failed , he 'd ride all night . Peter glanced at the horizon . It was well past noon , heading into dusk , and he needed to lock himself in somewhere or there wouldn 't be anything left of this old bitch or her family by sun up . The urge to kill rippled through him as he mounted the bike . This had to stop . Peter kicked the old bike into life . Smoke billowed from the tailpipe . He hoped the bike would make it the hundred miles to his rented place before dark . As the desert tore past him , he let his mind wander . How many had he killed so far ? More than he wanted to count , but he forced himself to . He needed to stay in control of whatever this was long enough to lock himself in before he convinced himself to ride back to the camp site and … The sound around him faded to quiet and the wind buffeting his face didn 't seem as strong . When he looked at the gauges , he broke into a cold sweat . He 'd only gone twenty miles when the bike 's engine stalled . He 'd never make it back in time . All the killings played on in his head . At first , they were like a slide show ; pictures without sounds , but then the images started to quicken . The slide show gave way to a stilted projection film ; a shitty 8mm movie . He watched as each successive murder got more brutal , more imaginative . Peter screamed and slammed his hands over his eyes waiting for the horror reel to stop . It didn 't stop . Hundreds of organs were ripped out , necks broken , faces torn off . Peter fell onto the desert hardpan , writhing and screaming at the horror . He blacked out . Peter came to , slowly . His eyes opened and he could taste desert in his throat . Grit coated his face and hair . It took a minute to realize his eyes were open . Stars began to appear slowly as his eyes adjusted . He hadn 't made it to the cage in the rented house . He 'd have to find and kill them quickly but he hadn 't even figured out what they were . Something was tormenting him , pushing him to take another person 's life with no excuses and no apologies . He hated himself every minute of every day for it and he was powerless to stop . As Peter walked deeper into the desert he felt control slipping . He decided that if the sun peaked over the horizon and he hadn 't figured out where these seven devils were , he 'd kill himself . He 'd use the ironwood box and smash himself over the head or leap off a mesa . He 'd run straight at the edge , close his eyes and let go . Hours passed and Peter walked . The images returned but they were low compared to the bloodlust he felt . His legs hurt but he kept on walking , head down . He started to mumble to himself but he didn 't know when . The end was coming , one way or the other . He looked out at the dark background for a place to jump and saw nothing . He didn 't know what time it was . Peter looked at the gun in the box and then at the bullet . It wasn 't silver and appeared normal , but the math didn 't work . He had to kill seven of something with one bullet . How the hell was he supposed to … His thought trailed off . The voices all stopped and so did the images . The emptiness was staggering and he took a step back . " Nobody ever hears about us , the quiet ones ; the little ones . The slight ones . " The owner of the voice caressed his neck . He shivered and tried to crawl back into the darkness that kept all the bright pain away . The voice and the hand moved off to his right . " Awake again ? I 'm pleased to see you 're back . Can I get you something , water perhaps ? " The voice purred with conviviality that wasn 't quite real . " You 're going to be groggy for a bit longer I 'm afraid . " The voice was close now . Something cold caressed his lips . She rubbed it around his mouth , and when he opened she slid the ice chip in . Too numb to miss the bitter cold on his tongue , his thirst was as painful as the ache that was developing around his chest and gut . " You 're back for a bit longer this time , I think . We 'll see I guess . " She tittered with laughter that wasn 't genuine . His eyes opened slowly , no sharp pain this time . He focused on the woman in red standing to his right . His first thought was ' tiny ' . She was short and thin . Beautiful in an extraordinary way . She touched his head and felt for his pulse . " Just as it should be . Glad you 're coming around . I 'm quite excited to talk to you , Mr . Thorn . " She made her way around a large dining room table until she was across from him . There was food on the plate in front of her . Raising it to her mouth , he watched blood drip from the tines of the steel fork . She licked her middle finger from the knuckle straight to the tip of her fingernail . It was seductive , erotic . Thorn noticed movement on her right . " You 're my honored guest . " She said . Her lips were red like a fresh coat of shiny lipstick you see in porn movies and noir films . He winced and shook his head . " Still trying to make sense of things ? I 'd give it another fifteen minutes or so . It took a lot to calm you down . More than most men . " She winked , circling the table slowly ; a predator marking her prey . " What 's happening ? " Thorn croaked . His throat felt like sandpaper . His tongue was gritty as if he licked concrete . The other man twitched violently once , then again , and settled . Thorn looked and saw the spasm had dislodged the cap he 'd been wearing . It looked like one of those light blue things a doctor puts on before surgery . The other man 's head lulled forward . Thorn couldn 't process what he saw . He knew what it was in an instant , although he 'd never seen the inside of someone 's head before . The cavity that should be holding a brain was mostly empty . Only fragments of gray matter remained . " That 's okay Mr . Thorn , the girls will clean you up in a moment . For now , just listen . You 're here because you haven 't been very nice . " She didn 't smile this time . " What , I … " another contraction from his stomach and that rocketing pain in his gut again . Nothing came out but bile and strings of yellowish spit . He was empty . " Don 't talk , Mr . Thorn . The sight of my previous guest has upset you . I can understand that . Can you just sit and listen ? If I get the girls to clean you up , will you listen ? " She asked the question but he didn 't dare answer . " We , the collective of women I help , have decided that a lesson is in order . Not as severe as this young man 's . " She reached over and placed a hand on the brainless man 's shoulder . He jumped again and blood flew from the open cavity . Red droplets splashed on the bone - white china and the rimmed crystal goblets in front of him . He tried to process what this crazy bitch said to him , but something didn 't click . He tried to focus , to replay it in his head but it slipped away . The pain in his chest was so intense he couldn 't think . " Jesse … " he blurted out with no conviction . His stomach flipped , and he tightened his muscles against another round of puking , but nothing came . He panted , his head starting to sag with the weight of his exertions . " Yes , your name is Jesse Thorn , and you 're an inconsiderate , heartless bastard to most of the women you meet . We believe in what we like to think of as positive reinforcement , and your lesson began several hours ago on a table . It continues now . " She nodded toward the other man , " This unfortunate soul was also bad to a woman . It was clear he hadn 't learned his lesson when she showed up in the morgue last week . It was time to eliminate this particular problem . " " They are going to get you undressed and cleaned up before dinner , Mr . Thorn . We will give you something for the pain . It will keep you calm enough through dinner but not so much as you would black out on us again . You 're the honored guest tonight and we can 't have you asleep at your plate . " She smiled and nodded to the women standing near him . A hand went over his mouth and he felt a needle prick his arm . Within seconds , he lost any urge to move . The pain was dull , but not gone . He was hoisted out of his chair and stripped down to his skin . His hostess watched them work with avid interest as they cleaned him up . It was then he noticed the wide bandage over his chest and stomach . He was redressed in clean scrubs and placed back in his chair . One of the women cleaned his place at the table . The smell of disinfectant burned his nostrils . As the girls finished with him they walked around the table to the brainless man . One of them covered his place setting with a red cloth as the other three lifted him from his chair . A sheet covered his limp body . He was thrown onto the center of the table without remorse . That sound of clacking heels echoed , this time from behind him . The room suddenly filled with chatter and tinkling laughter . Perfume replaced the smell of disinfectant , and the mixture was somehow intoxicating . " Ladies , once again I call your attention . Tonight is another lesson and another chance to come together as one . For that , I would like to present to you our main course . " She spoke with a flourish to her voice as she pulled the sheet off the man on the table . No applause this time , just the sounds of oohing and aahing . Without warning , the ladies slid into their chairs and began to prepare to eat . The only woman still standing was the lady in red . She looked directly at Jesse with a sardonic smile . " Mr . Thorn , it 's time to answer your question . You asked what I had done , but it wasn 't me exactly . It was us . " She smiled and looked around the room . " We don 't take kindly to being mistreated and we 've given up on society correcting the problem . We 've decided to take matters into our own hands . " Applause rolled across the room . " We 've been tracking down and teaching men who mistreat women ' lessons ' for nearly twenty years . While the history of our sisterhood isn 't newsworthy , the results are . As you can see , the price for failing to learn your lesson is this . " She picked up the steel fork again and tossed it , brain and all , unceremoniously toward his plate . Her aim was perfect . " This failure here , " she pointed to the man on the table , " had several parts removed and became our honored guest a few years ago . He didn 't learn , though . You have been lucky enough to only have the parts of your body removed that you weren 't using to their full potential but you will live and have another chance to make things right if you choose . If not , you 're going to be in the center of our table like this one . " She pointed to the man who was as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey ready for carving . " We took out your heart , Mr . Thorn , as you seem to be less inclined to use it and we 're serving it as an appetizer tonight . You 'll be returned to your life once you recover and we will watch you - closely . My only hope for you is that you are a much better student than this man was . " She smiled and sat down at the table . Jesse 's head lolled from side to side , feeling drunk and stupid as he tried to process her words . They were sinking in slowly . When he focused again on the man in the center of the table , he noticed that his brain wasn 't the only thing missing . The discordant jangle of this long ago childhood nursery rhyme echoed under the bed where he hid . Some things never forgotten , he heard the sound of all that screaming like some fucked up sing - song that gets stuck in your head and never goes away . What did they call it , an ear - mite ? He didn 't care . The rhythm soothed him while he waited for her to come home . Eddie , lying on his back , sharpened the knife , not minding the flakes of metal dust that landed in his eyes . He was singing and crying and none of the other shit mattered anymore . She wouldn 't play with him ; she didn 't want to climb through his cellar door , as the song went . She would be sorry . " I asked you to play with me , Kate . I told you I wanted to play … " The voice trailed off , but the song kept right on playing , if only in his head . He worried at the edge of the knife while he waited . He tested the blade , touched the razor - sharp edge to his tongue , tasted blood instantly . Not a bit . Eddie giggled again . The sounds of those desperate cries and shrieks were the things he collected . He could listen to them when riding a bus , say , or walking through a crowded city park . They were his friends and he loved each of them , remembered each of them , knew where each came from . A sudden jolt of adrenaline ran through him and the blade of his kitchen knife halted an inch from his right eye . This was the same knife that had taken the head off an old man in Meriville , Tennessee and the arms and legs of a woman in Columbia , South Carolina . The knife he 'd driven into the skull of a guy who tried to rough him up outside a bar in Fairfield , Virginia . This friend didn 't run and it didn 't scream . Had he left the bodies of this woman 's family where she would see them ? That was the panic that had stopped his hand , and that nursery rhyme mid - jingle . Where had he stashed Kate 's mother and father ? A piercing rip of laughter peeled away from under the bed . He didn 't know if she was coming home today or tomorrow , but it didn 't matter . Once Eddie made you his friend it was only a matter of time before you 'd try to scream . One time he waited outside a trailer house door for four days ; waited and listened . Apparently the occupants did nothing more than screw and do drugs . When they ran out , the man of the house , on wheels like a toy car , left to find more narcotics . Eddie had spotted Kate at a local coffee stop . Luck had brought them together . He had been tossed out of the fast food joint down the street . The kid behind the register called the cops , said he looked suspicious . The cops apparently didn 't think so and he was walking down the street five minutes later . Kate , he got her name from the coffee cup she had picked up at the counter . She bumped into him and Eddie knew at once she was going to be his next friend . He even thought he might love her . She was pretty and tall , like his mother , and she smiled so big and bright when he stepped in front of her . She recoiled a little when he smiled back , but that was alright . Not many people liked his smile . It was dark now . Eddie thought about trying to stay awake and sharpen his knife more , but one look at the pointed edge and he could tell it was good . More than good . He closed his eyes , dreaming of all the things he and Kate would talk about and all the screaming she would do . He 'd never used anyone 's parents as toys before and he was excited . Sleep took him . It was the sleep of the mentally young and the criminally insane . Eddie chased his playmates through a park in his dream , waving the knife at some and running others down in a car he stole . Somewhere in the distance he heard a new scream , a new playmate was coming . He opened his eyes to a flood of light pouring in from the hallway . Kate had made it home and wandered into the kitchen while he was asleep . She found her parents at the table where Eddie had found them . Well , he had found two people sitting having lunch but now there were enough pieces to fill every chair . Kate screamed and screamed like nothing he 'd heard before . It was marvelous . He cried a little at the thought of all those screams to take with him when he moved on . Eddie wriggled himself out from under her bed , his knife in hand and a smile on his face . He started to hum silently trying to find the tune he 'd been humming for nearly a year now . The words would come , or most of them . Eddie walked around the corner into the kitchen . Kate stopped screaming for just a moment and listened . She registered the song and then the face . She hadn 't seen the knife until the very end . " I hate clowns , " Roy said flatly . Each year , he shelved his irrational fear of those fuckers right up until the end of September . Then , all the clown related stupidity resurfaced and he was forced to stare down his terror . " That was a clown ? " Roy asked incredulously . He 'd thought she was dressed like a character from the super hero movie they 'd gone to see a few weeks ago . " Wait ! " he blurted in a panic . He didn 't want her to realize how afraid he really was . Beth was by far the most beautiful , sexy , sensual , and amazing woman he 'd ever met . How would it look if she could sit through a horror film and he couldn 't ? She stopped , arched an eyebrow , and shimmied out of her jeans . Her top followed next as she pulled it over her head and let it drop to the floor . The red and black lace she wore underneath stole his breath . All thought washed away as he pictured the two of them spending the next few hours not watching a clown movie . " Not yet . I want to slip into something first . Think of this as therapy ; I promise you 'll be completely cured when we 're done . " She winked at him . She eased him back toward the couch , grabbing his ass as she did . The back of his knees struck the cushion as Beth pushed him down into his seat . Leaning over , she kissed him long and slow . When the kiss broke , she told him the movie was already in the player , then strutted out of the room . " I was going to watch it anyway . Don 't worry , it 'll be fun . Besides , you might be a bit too preoccupied to be afraid , " she remarked with a giggle . Roy clicked on the television and surfed channels for a moment before picking up the DVD remote and hitting the power button . Sports news was replaced with an image of a terrified woman screaming and covering her face as she ran . Some fat dude , shirtless except for a black rubber apron , was chasing her down with a chainsaw . He wore a red clown wig and white face paint . His features had been drawn in with exaggerated black grease pencil and he his grin was full of sharp teeth . Roy had second thoughts about watching the movie . Beads of sweat popped up on his temples as he squirmed in his seat . He loosened his necktie and unbuttoned his collar , but it didn 't help . Roy began to stand , he wanted to see her , but her hands pressed down on his shoulders . He sat again and tried to crane his neck around to see her . He wanted one more look before they started the damn movie . " Not yet , lover . Keep your eyes on the screen and if you get scared , think of this . " She flung a black and red lace bra into his lap . He grabbed for it , feeling the warmth of the material . He wasn 't going to like the movie , but thought he might enjoy movie time nonetheless . He smiled . Beth played with his hair and whispered in his ear . He couldn 't understand what she said , but the fear he expected to feel was replaced by slowly building excitement . Maybe the clown movie wasn 't going to be that bad after all . All at once , the woman on TV was screaming ; Roy jumped . She ran down a dark street in the middle of nowhere , one shoe off . The fat fucker from the truck , now dressed in the rubber apron , was tearing after her with the smoke - belching chainsaw . The buzzing sound was so loud it must have startled him awake . Had he dozed off ? God , he hoped not . " Welcome back , lover , " she said as she smiled . She was naked and Roy could see the outline of her breasts in the dim light coming from the TV . He moved to get up , but she quickly straddled him and kissed his lips . Her face felt greasy like she was wearing too much makeup . Maybe she 'd donned that sexy costume she 'd worn for him the other night … " I 'm done with this game , Beth . If you want to mess around , I 'm all for it , but that last bite hurt . " He could hear the whine in his own voice ; he doubted they 'd be having sex tonight . He wanted to get the lights back on and turn off the television . He reached for the remote but Beth grabbed his hand . She kissed his inner wrist , letting her lips caress the soft flesh of his arm . She stopped at his bicep . Roy 's anger faded as he closed his eyes and drifted on waves of seductive pleasure . " What the fuck ? " Roy screamed . He glared up at her dimly lit silhouette trying to understand what was happening . Beth just giggled and started on his chest . She held an insanely large knife that she continually nicked him with as she cut the buttons from his shirt one by one . Her smile looked utterly demented . " You know how in those movies it 's always the man that gets to be the clown and it 's the woman who 's always chopped into little pieces ? " She started to stab at his chest , thrusting the blade in about two or three inches , then pulling it back out again . Each time it pierced his skin , Roy screamed louder and her laughter intensified . " In this movie , it 's the other way around . " She cackled , her face now fully distorted . She stopped long enough to lick blood off the tip of the knife before she began another round . Roy struggled to breathe . He gasped , feeling like a fish yanked out of water . His face began to turn a deep purple as blood dripped from the corners of his mouth . " Oh dear . I must have hit a lung … let 's see what kind of damage I did with my little knife , " Beth said , tittering in his face . She shifted her weight down a bit and pulled open the tattered remains of his shirt and tie . " If you died too fast , nobody would ever watch the movie . We need to make it last a little longer , " she said and produced a scalpel . " I know this hurts , but I have to admit , it excites the hell out of me , if you know what I mean , lover . " She winked at him . It is the judgement of this court that Franklin King be taken to Steadwell 's Home for the Insane and placed in their custody where he will undergo therapy until such time as a doctor shall declare him cured . That was ten years ago . A lot had changed in ten years . Those who had condemned him had changed . He was only sorry his mother wasn 't here with them . Franklin was slow , Franklin was mean , but Franklin was not insane ; not then anyway . The court had made his mother put him in that home when he was eleven . They tortured him , called it " therapy " for the first eight years of his extended stay . He was slow , but he learned that fighting to prove he was not insane just made the therapy worse . He learned and he plotted and he grew . He stood overtop the bodies of the staff at Steadwell 's and smiled . His face was covered in blood but he didn 't mind . He had toyed with them for the last year , making them think he had been ' cured ' of whatever illness he 'd been sent to them with . He hadn 't been sick when he got there . He was now . Now it wasn 't just one voice Franklin heard , but two . That second voice always knew what to do . Not good , Franklin . Not good at all . You can 't let him live . He would have killed you some time ago if he could have . That voice was always with him now . It kept him company all these years at Steadwell 's . He had come to think of that voice as himself only smarter , more cunning . He welcomed that voice when it showed up . Franklin fished Ron 's broken body out of the pile and lifted him as if he weighed nothing . Ron screamed wordlessly in his face , pitching spittle and nonsense at him . Franklin had removed Ron 's tongue with a serrated knife he 'd found in the maintenance shed out back when he 'd started because the voice told him to . It told him Ron would wake the others and then they would stop him from administering ' therapy ' . Franklin always listened to that voice . " You had a chance to be nice , Ron . You blew it , " Franklin said and jammed his thumbs into Ron 's eyes . Ron screamed again fighting to get free but Franklin was far bigger than Ron was . He placed Ron 's head between his slab - like arms and began to squeeze as hard as he could . Ron 's skull cracked under the pressure , his movements slowing to nothing more than twitches . Franklin tossed his dead body onto the others unceremoniously and wiped his hands on his shirt . The judge passed down his sentence without remorse . He hated that boy and he hated his mother . The boy might have been his , probably was his , and he was a mistake . Franklin 's mother was a mistake too , but she joined the church after Franklin was taken away . The judge couldn 't mess with a woman of the church . Some things were just not acceptable . The only way to deal with this problem was to make it go away . In the twenty years the judge had been sending people there , Steadwell 's never cured anyone . The ones that hadn 't been mean to him were killed outright . Most of them died in their sleep , but those who took joy in administering Franklin 's ' therapy ' , they were handled differently . Franklin had taken great care to ensure they had all the attention they deserved . It had been thirty hours and two hundred miles since Ron and the rest of the staffers at Steadwell 's had their own private therapy sessions . Franklin thought he would have found peace in that , but the voice told him he wasn 't done . There was still work to do . The job is almost done , Franklin . You have a few more hours of work left and then you can rest . We see this through all the way to the end . Franklin stood on the back steps of the house of his final victim . Franklin wanted to come here first , but the voice insisted . It had to be the judge because the voice told him it was to be the judge . He didn 't argue with the voice . " Good evening , Judge . I was wondering if you remember me , because I remember you . " He trailed off when the dawning horror crept across the old man 's haggard face . Franklin could smell stale beer and old sex on him as he tried to back away from the door . " You do remember me . The voice in my head said you would . " Franklin laughed , but it wasn 't a good sound . He removed a large hunting knife from his belt and held it up in front of his face . The greasy lights from inside the broken down old house reflected in the steel ; the judge saw blood and hair caked on the hilt . He turned to run , but Franklin was too fast . Franklin sat on his newly constructed throne , naked to the waist and reeking of gore . The bones that supported his frame bent under the weight of his muscle . He hadn 't needed the voice to tell him what to do with all those people who had sent him for treatment . He knew what to do with them . Each of them had played a part in sending him away ; taking his home and his mother away . Now , they were all part of his world and he was their king . But , now he was too tired to move . Franklin slept in the sticky mess that he 'd made when he cut out the bones and muscle . He didn 't bother to clean any of it up , but the voice told him the smell would bring the neighbors to the church where his mother had been buried . The voice hadn 't told him it was a bad idea either . In fact , Franklin , rousing from the deepest sleep he 'd had in nearly ten years , hadn 't heard the voice since the killing had stopped . " Are you there ? " Franklin asked . He waited for a long time before deciding that the voice had gone maybe for good . He closed his eyes and felt peace for the first time . He dozed off again . The sound of the flies grew louder as the day 's heat began to seep into the fabric of the old church ; so did the sound of the siren headed his direction . Franklin knew that only one officer ever drove the town police car , and that was the sheriff . He hadn 't been home when Franklin stopped by to visit . He 's the last one , Franklin . You know what to do . Franklin stood , stretched his aching muscles and picked up an axe that had been in the shed out behind Steadwell 's . He liked the weight of it in his hands so he 'd kept it , and as a car door opened and slammed shut in the old church yard , the voice told him he 'd only need to swing it one more time . " I 've been waiting for you Detective . I thought you would come back , that you would come to see the exhibit , " the old man said . His accent was heavier now than it had been . " Why are you really here ? I have a guess but then again , you don 't get to be my age without learning a thing or two about the predictability of humans . " Rush tried to remember his training , to remember the things they taught at the academy . All his cop bravado left him . He was at the mercy of the old man lurking in the shadows . " I could let you talk , but I don 't know how much it would change things . You have questions young man . I can see them on your lips , but the answers don 't matter , not really . " he said . Rush could hear the gloating satisfaction in his voice . It was the same sardonic sound he heard in court months ago . Rush had wanted to hit him then , too . He tried to tighten the finger that lay on the trigger of his gun , but nothing happened . " Let me guess a few , shall I ? After all , we 're in no great hurry here . Your department doesn 't even know you 've returned , do they ? " he asked . " You want the truth , am I right ? You want to know the how and the why . " The old man was moving around behind him ; Rush could hear him but still couldn 't see anything more than a shadow . The old man shuffled into the light . He walked the distance between them with the same hunched - over waddle he had before . He stepped in front of Rush and straightened with an effort . " What have you done to me , scumbag ? " Rush bellowed again . He could think of nothing else to say . All the questions about the victims and the wax statues were gone . " Come now , Detective ! Let 's not resort to the vulgar just yet . I have so much to show you . " He smiled again and Rush tried to cringe back . The old man seemed to have too many teeth . " I 'd like to say that everything will work out for you when I am done , but that isn 't likely . I doubt anyone will fuss over a police officer gone missing after such an embarrassing moment in the spotlight . " The old man took off his coat and rolled up his sleeves . Rush watched as the man reached up again . He paused , his finger looming an inch from Rush 's face . He looked like a man contemplating some monumental decision . He touched Rush on the cheek under his left eye and the color began to drain from his vision . His left eye dimmed and then was gone . He didn 't feel anything but picked up the slow movement on his cheek where the man had touched him . Something dribbled down his face . The old man reached up and plucked it off his cheek . " You see , Detective … " he started and then shook his head . " Actually , you can 't see so I 'll describe it to you . I 've gotten rid of your eyes because we won 't need them . I shall give you new ones when I am done . " The old man stepped up to Rush and plucked the right eye off as it rolled down his stubble covered face , then tossed both orbs onto the floor . " It 's customary to remove the eyes from the exhibits as the trauma of watching your own death can cause … unexpected changes in skin tone and hair . You still have your ears so you can listen . I think it 's a fair trade for the tools and time you took from me during the investigation and trial , " the old man said , still polite , still smiling . Rush wanted to gag , but couldn 't move more than his throat . His tongue flopped out of his mouth mid scream . Blood and saliva spilled down the front of him . " Detective Rush , I will be doing something that you may consider rather gruesome , but I assure you it 's necessary . When it begins , you are going to feel nothing , but I promise it won 't end that way . Sometimes I can still hear them screaming a day or two after but not every time , " the man said . " The last thing we need to do before we can continue , Detective , is to remove your clothing and have everything cleaned and pressed . Undoubtedly you will spoil yourself and that won 't do . I assure you though , you will look as professional and well dressed as any officer of the law in this fine city , " the man said with an air of perfectionist pride . The fear finally shattered his resolve . Rush felt his bladder let go . Bile crept in to his mouth and he vomited . He was going to die at the hands of this monster . " You were so much closer to the truth than you ever realized . " The sound of metal on metal filtered in through Rush 's panic . He could hear things that sounded sharp and painful . " I used to embalm my exhibits after ending their lives , but I 've found a way to do it while the subject is still breathing . It 's a bit more painful but in the end , it gives each of you a more life - like feel . Now , I am going to place a needle in your arm . You won 't feel the pinch but the rest , well , you 'll see . " Rush felt something in his arm where the old man had touched him . It was pressure at first , but the pain that followed was immediate . Rush began to scream again as the old man touched his throat , the scream cut off ; Rush passed out . Rush heard the pleasant female voice pass and the sound of feet on a wooden floor . The realization of what happened hit him and he tried to scream and thrash about . Nothing came out of his mouth ; he couldn 't move . As soon as he landed at McCarran , the heat - baked shimmer of city life was visible , vibrant . He stopped on the jetway to peer through the sooty glass . The reflection was breathtaking even from three miles away . This place really was a treasure trove waiting to be taken by someone brave enough to grab it . He pushed up the ramp toward his new home and caught the smell of decay as he passed into the open - air walkway . Something must have died on the tarmac ; it was faint but undeniable . For an entrepreneur about to open his first hotel in sin city , this might have seemed a bad omen , but not to him ; he didn 't believe in that shit . Two hundred hours : The casino business had been good . His first ten days were coming to a close and he didn 't see anything but the glitter and sex . Fuck if he could remember the names of all the girls he 'd screwed or places he 'd been . That smell of decay came and went . He couldn 't quite understand why a city that spent billions on water couldn 't keep the scent of road kill away from the tourists . There were moments he noticed those around him seemed older , more aged and tired , but they were fleeting thoughts drowned by his own youth and vitality . He sat in a lobby bar some place on the strip and sipped his Old Fashioned . It tasted off , but he was distracted . The waitress who had been serving him , Lina , came over and sat next to him on the leather sofa . She touched his shoulder , asked if he wanted another drink . He didn 't answer until the fingers sliding up the inseam of his expensive slacks reached their intended goal . He winked at her as she stood and walked away . She looked back over the crowded bar with a very suggestive grin . Five hundred hours : Getting money from this place was easier than getting laid , but that damn smell was everywhere now . He couldn 't go more than a few hours without noticing it . Something was really wrong around here . Nobody else seemed to notice though . He called the city but they found nothing . He saw Lina last night ; the waitress with the suggestive grin and the wandering fingers . It was a good visit . They had camped on the floor of what would be the Casino Manager 's office . Lina had done all kinds of things to him . She seemed tired though . Maybe all the late nights were getting to her . He liked Lina . He promised to take her away once the project was over . Twelve hundred ninety hours : His vision was coming together . The installation of the new statue of Seduction made it all seem real . The thing was nearly forty feet tall and sat hunched on all fours . It looked like a cross between a gazelle and a unicorn . The entire thing was cast in gold , which was typical for Vegas . The creature seemed to have flowing hair , like it was caught in a strong breeze . The new hotel manager had called it a Kirin or something . Damn thing looked like it was watching you all the time . The legend was that the beast brought prosperity and luck , or some shit like that . So far , it seemed to be working . Even the smell of decay had left for a time . As the staff walked past , they would touch the damn thing whenever they came and went from the project site , but he refused . At first , it was mostly the Asian staffers and construction people , but eventually , everyone was doing it . They joked with him about not offending one of the gods , but he didn 't believe in that shit . He had plenty of women , money and luck . Lina took him out to dinner that night . She looked older , but said she was fine . Fine enough to make him dessert from under the table in between courses . Certainly finer than the food he sent back . It was rancid . The waiter smiled a tired look and made no complaint . He had gone out to the Neon museum a few times when he first arrived . The desert had stripped all the luster off those signs at the old bone yard where everything went to die in this town . That 's how this place was starting to feel . What the hell was going on around here ? He found a security guard in the cash office playing some game on his cell phone . He told him to get off his fat ass and cover that fucking statue before he had to pick his teeth up off the floor ; he wasn 't paying him to goof off . He also wasn 't paying someone to come out and buff that statue again . As the guard waddled away , he remembered the young man who sat here not three weeks ago . This guy couldn 't be him . That kid was young , vibrant ; alive . He needed a drink and to check in on Lina . She hadn 't been feeling well all week and had stayed home from work . Maybe they could spend a little time rolling around on the pile of cash he kept in the apartment . Three thousand ninety hours : The project was done in record time . He wanted to celebrate by getting royally fucked - up with Lina . Maybe a threesome and some really high - end shit would put things right . When he went to see Lina , she wasn 't doing any better . She had invited a few friends over that they had partied with not long after he arrived . After putting away an eighth of an ounce of blow on his own he could hardly remember much , but they had done some pretty kinky shit . He woke up with blood all over the sheets , and what should have been two very pretty ladies playing with each other . But these ladies weren 't the beauties they seemed the night before ; they almost had to hold each other up . Everything on them was saggy , tired . The changes around him were so drastic , but had been so subtle in coming . Maybe all the nose candy was getting to him . He didn 't know , but he would worry about it another time . Forty - two hundred hours : He was just about ready to call it quits . The place smelled of death and old rot . All of Vegas had changed somehow . It seemed to be everywhere . The grand opening was in five days ; one hundred twenty hours and he didn 't think he was going to make it . This place was driving him crazy . Time had sucked the life out of everything here ; everything , except him . Forty Three hundred hours : He woke up that morning with no memory of the last few days . The first thing he needed to do was take a piss . The second thing was a shower ; he stunk to high heaven . The smell of decay was now everywhere . It permeated his clothes and his hair . As he showered , he noticed the water had a bad odor , too . He would need to call the system guys and find out if there was something wrong inside the hotel . No room for screw - ups on opening day . He went to the entrance of his suite to get his breakfast . It was delivered every morning so he didn 't have to waste time looking for a place to eat . He opened the door and the cart was covered in flies . What the fuck ? He lifted the silver plate cover and nearly vomited all over himself . The food had been there for days . Once he got himself under control , he picked up the phone in the living room and dialed housekeeping ; five rings , no answer . He stormed out of the room . If this staff had gone on strike already , somebody was going to pay . The hotel wasn 't even open yet and already things were falling apart . He ran through the hotel and found everyone was in their appointed places . They had died there ; been mummified in their uniforms and with their assorted props and tools . As soon as he realized he was the last person left alive , he noticed the smell had finally gone . All he inhaled now was dry age and old , worn - out life . That 's when he finally snapped . " Did you do it , did you open that thing ? " William asked . Shelly was sitting on a splintered tree that had fallen during the storm . She didn 't take her eyes off the box . She 'd been holding on to it since the storm . " Not yet , but I want to open it . Don 't you think I should ? I want to see what 's inside , " she whimpered . " Honey , you need to put that damn thing down and get some food . You 're gonna get sick . I can watch it for you so nothing happens to it . " William pleaded with her . He didn 't want to take it away , but he was getting nervous . " I 'm not very hungry . You can go without me , Will . I 'll be fine sitting here , " she said , her voice hollow and distant . Shelly answered , but not in words . She began cooing at the box and caressing it . She had her back turned and he couldn 't see the look on her face . William walked around to the front of the tree where she was sitting . " I want to stay here , Willie . It wants me to stay here , " she finally moaned in an odd , baby doll voice . Her eyes had a sunken - in look and her skin was gaunt on her diminished frame . Had it only been a few days since she 'd eaten ? " Shelly ? " He touched her arm , but she was a statue . The wind picked up and it began to rain . William knew staying any longer was a bad idea . It might already be too late to get far enough away but he hadn 't heard the air raid siren go yet . Maybe the storm would be fast and blow itself out , but they wouldn 't survive without some cover . The debris from the last storm whirled , leaving cuts all over his exposed skin . He barely noticed . " I can 't leave yet . It 's about to open and show me what it 's been hiding , " she said , in that spooky baby doll voice again . " You 're going to want to see this , Will . " The light brightened and William realized that as the light intensified , so did the storm . Dawning recognition hit him . The storm hadn 't come from the plains ; it was that damned box . Shelly was letting it out of the box . " Shelly , no ! " William shouted as he leapt forward . He was going to slam the lid back down on that thing before it killed them both . She might lose a finger , but … He reached for her , grabbing for the box and trying to push the lid back in place . Shelly turned slightly at the sound of his voice and the box slipped from her lap . She began to shriek . William tried to ignore the pain he heard and made for the box as it hit the ground . It skidded away in the mud . The lid popped up for a moment and the wind matched her screams . Then , it closed and the storm puffed out instantly . " Shelly , are you okay ? Oh my god , Shelly , " William cried out , trying to catch her . He didn 't want her to smash her head on any of the fallen debris . Everywhere he looked , he saw sharp gouging death winking up at him . Shelly crumpled into a ball and collapsed before he could reach her . He screamed at the sound of her head and face slapping the wet earth . She twitched once , violently , then was still . Shelly lay forgotten for a moment as he held his hand to his face . The missing digits hadn 't registered just yet . It felt like hot iron was being poured over the place where his fingers had been . He clapped his other hand over the stumps and searing pain bolted down his arm . He thought he was going to vomit right there , watching the blood rush through his fingers . " Shelly ! " he yelled . Was something gnawing at his wife while he knelt there nursing his own horrible injury ? The shock of being bitten was almost too much . He pulled his shirt over his head to wrap around his hand . When he looked down , she was no longer lying on the wet ground . It took him a moment to realize that she had moved a few feet away . He shook his head , trying to clear his vision . " You shouldn 't have taken it from me , Will . It doesn 't want you to touch it . " She looked up at William with a demented , hateful grin . William 's heart skipped a beat . " I can 't stop myself , Willie , " she said . He could see the outright terror on her face . The look stopped him in his tracks . " I can 't , William … " She trailed off . William relaxed a bit . Then he watched in horror as she ripped the lid off the box all at once . As Mathew entered the storefront , he hung its key from the tooth of a snarling dog . The statue of the hound had been on that table since his childhood and time had seen fit to leave it . His hate for the place flared in each muscle the second he entered the building , but it was a strangely enticing feeling . The old room looked deliberately ramshackle , intended to add to the mystique , no doubt . ' Shabby chic ' people called it ; rundown he called it , but it was his business now . He knew his father had been into some really terrible things , but he never stuck around long enough to take part in the ' family business ' . He 'd left home at eighteen and never looked back . He 'd tried to forget all of it and had managed to succeed until a letter arrived by courier last month ; it was addressed to the proprietor of The Old West Wax Works . The woman who delivered it was attractive and left not only her number , but the lingering scent of her perfume on the delivery receipt along with his father 's will . They 'd begun seeing each other almost every night since . She 'd asked about The Old West Wax Works a few weeks into the new romance , but he never explained and she never pushed . When he told her he needed to take care of family business down south , she hadn 't asked to be included which was a good thing ; maybe she was ' the one ' and his impending bad mood would seem unattractive . They talked about weekend plans and she mentioned heading down the shore to surprise him for a visit , but he barely listened ; he 'd been preoccupied with his father 's will . The tasks he needed to complete weren 't complicated , but they were going to be messy and time consuming . The place didn 't need to be spotless , but it did need to be presentable when his first guest arrived . He felt the cold fingers of anxiety grab hold of him and fought them off . This place was in his blood and always had been . He saw that now and felt - proud . He thought about the delivery woman , Claire , as he toiled about the place , and wondered if she would like it here . He genuinely liked her and hoped she would . He looked forward to seeing her again as soon as he could . Mathew caught the scent of a woman 's perfume ; it was familiar to him by now . He hesitated , fought the urge to be like them , to turn into the monsters his predecessors had been . He smiled when he saw her , all doubt faded , then he stepped on the button that opened the trap door . The fight was over . The sound of the heavy door slamming shut cut off the screams from below . He knew she had broken both legs and cracked several ribs when she fell , but that was all fixable . His father 's tools were already sharpened , ready for use after so many years of neglect in the storage boxes . RT @ JohnLPottsJr : penofthedamned . com / 2017 / 06 / 20 / dam … Damned Words 22 , via @ PenOfTheDamned . 11 authors of modern # horror tell the story of one picture …@ PenOfTheDamned 1 day ago Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
I will be the featured author in Episode # 103 on July 12th at Horroraddicts . net . Come on by and check out the interview and podcast short story reading . A big thank you to Emerian Rich and David Watson for having me on the show . Emerian 's podcasts are always a lot of fun . This will be great ! http : / / www . horroraddicts . net The 11 posted chapters of Mermaid Steel are 162 manuscript pages . There are 7 chapters remaining . I estimate those will add about 100 pages , for a total of about 70 , 000 words . The next chapter , Chapter 12 , will appear only on this wordpress blog due to content , as did Chapter 10 . ( The family - friendly chapters are also being posted on Facebook at http : / / www . facebook . com / mermaidsteel . That site has lots of additional behind the scenes discussion . You should check it out . ) This is probably the last such adult - rated chapter . There will be plenty of action in the remaining chapters , just not that kind of " action . " I have been approached by an artist to illustrate the book . My thoughts have also turned to how best to publish the book once it is done and edited . More news as it develops . I hope you are enjoying the book . Please let me know what you think . Please tell your friends . Share this : FacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . Categories : Mermaid Steel , Writing Sten felt his body gently swaying and rocking . It felt good , very natural , like he was being cradled . He felt the sun warming him , and realized he was floating on his back in the ocean . He opened his eyes and confirmed where he was . He had no clue how he got there , but somehow he didn 't really care . He wondered what part of the sea he was in . With nothing visible on the horizon , he turned over and swam down into the water . He had forgotten to take a breath , but that didn 't matter either , as he was breathing fine underwater . Inexplicably , this did not alarm him . Again it all felt perfectly normal . Yet he realized this was not normal for him . On a hunch , he glanced back and saw his long , graceful Merrow tail sticking out from his tunic - like shirt where his legs should have been . Or should they ? The tail felt so right . He marveled at how clear the water was , and how his eyes could focus . He looked at his hands , his webbed hands , and could see every texture . He liked how the back of his hairless hand and arm was gray while the inside was white . He returned to his dive and was amazed at how easily he slid through the water , and how fast he could go with only the slightest effort . He swam down and the village came into view . His village ? Round coral houses were nestled in canyons that surrounded a town center with open markets and an amphitheater gathering place . Merrow swam from building to building , going about their business . He looked up and checked how the village was still close enough to the surface to get plenty of light . He swam down onto a " street " and looked in a window or two to see the sunstones illuminating the interiors . No one noticed him . He felt right at home , even though he knew he didn 't belong here . He avoided making contact with anyone because he was sure he would be found out if he tried to speak their language . He swam into the market to see the shops . To his surprise , they weren 't selling goods , but rather taking orders to make things . He saw no money of any kind change hands . He was also pleasantly surprised that he could understand what they were saying . Everyone was friendly with one another and seemed content . He was taken with how peaceful and happy the village seemed to be , and how being there made him feel the same way . He caught a shadow move out of the corner of his eye up on the surface . He looked up but couldn 't see anything . No one around him seemed to notice it . He was going to dismiss it as a passing cloud , but thought maybe he should make sure . He swam up , and again was pleased with how quickly he covered the distance . He opened his eyes and was a little shocked to find himself dry and in bed . In bed with Chielle , who was still sound asleep . He caught his breath and smiled at his wondrous dream . He played it back in his head , highly amused at how his mind had translated her words into this vision of life beneath the waves . Had she really given him such detail ? He loved how the dream had let him see it as a Merrow , the same way Chielle would see it . Chielle . He turned and lovingly studied her face , the curves of her big eyelids , her darling tiny nose , her wide lips over her pointy little chin . How he had come to love looking at this face , so alien yet so beautiful . He traced the lines of her gill fringes with his eyes , how they folded so neatly together to lay flat , hiding in plain sight looking like neat rows of short curly hair , dark in the back and light in the front like the rest of her . He saw for the first time a scar across one of her gills . It didn 't look like a major injury , yet it had not healed right . He started to touch it but stopped himself . He was enjoying watching her sleep too much to disturb her . How had he come to love her so much ? Just the thought of her made his heart ache with joy , even with her right here in front of him . She had become part of him . He had been in love before , but it had never felt so encompassing . Maybe her being so different made him notice more . Or maybe he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone . He felt the bandages around his chest were tighter than the day before . They seemed to have shrunk when they dried around him over night . They were uncomfortable enough to distract him from his musings . He considered rewrapping them , but decided getting them wet today would loosen them up enough . The blanket had fallen off her shoulder as she lied on her side facing him . His eyes followed the grey / white dividing line and caressed the skin of her neck , over her shoulder , down the length of her arm , and onto her delicate webbed hand . It was all he could do not to follow his eyes with his hands . Oh , how he loved to touch her . The firmness of her skin , and how she felt cool at first touch but then warm once he held her , it wasn 't just fascinating , it was intoxicating . It was like her skin was showing what he had learned of her , strange at first , but warm and loving once he was close . He wondered what she saw in him . This headstrong young woman from another world , why would she find him attractive ? She seemed as amused by his body hair as he was taken with her aquatic skin . Beyond their surface differences , though , they had somehow connected very deeply . He couldn 't explain why , but he was sure glad she had been attracted to him as well . He heard footfalls approaching up the wharf that he recognized as Jacio 's , and realized it was at least an hour after dawn . He would have stayed in bed and bathed in her glow all morning . He slipped out of bed , the twisting of which sent a twinge through his torso , trying to move slowly and not wake her . More blanket fell away , and when he stood up he looked back over her naked form . His manhood responded valiantly . He gently pulled the blanket up over her and grabbed a pair of pants . He retrieved her dress from where it had been tossed , and laid it across the foot of the bed for her to find . He greeted Jacio from the bedroom door , which he closed behind himself . " Good morning , " he said quietly as he slipped on a shirt . " We have company , who is still sleeping . " Sten smiled at his careful choice of words . " Thank you for saying so . That was quite the couple of days there , wasn 't it ? So today I want to move ahead with our diving adventure . " " Indeed . " He held his hand over the grate and found the fire had gone cold . He noticed the boy carried a sack . " What have you got there ? " Sten took the boot out and looked it over . " Yes , this is perfect . " He looked back at Jacio . " It 's not going to Silverton . It 's for Chielle . " The door opened and she stepped in , blanket wrapped around her shoulders against the morning air . She smiled coyly at Sten and said , " Good morning . You 've got something for me ? Good morning , Jacio . " Sten held up the molded leather . " It 's a boot for your fluke . I 've noticed the base of your tail gets pretty beat up when you walk around on these wooden planks . We wear shoes to protect out feet from rough surfaces . " He handed it to her . " Why not you too ? " She turned it over and undid the laces . " That is the sweetest thing . Thank you . Let me try it on . " She pulled up a chair , sat down and coiled up her tail so her fluke was in her lap . " You are so clever . The laces work great , " she said as she cinched them up . " It fits . " She stood up and took a couple of steps . " This is marvelous . The leather grips the wood , and I don 't feel a thing . " She stepped over and hugged Sten . " Thank you . My first shoe . " " Not your fault . You couldn 't have known . I couldn 't have known . We 'll just have to get used to having a lady guest around . " Sten spotted the pot of porridge still on the grate . He picked it up and found the already solid cereal now a hard glued mass . " Do we have anything to eat , besides porridge ? " " You 've got a bag of rice and and a bag of beans in the lower cupboard . Oh , and there 's a pot of lard . I think you finished the jarred fruit you got last week . " " Oh no . I grew up in the mountains on the other side of the continent . In winter we could pack food in ice and it would last for weeks . You could put together a collection of different kinds of food and make really wonderful meals . " He got the edge up and was pleased to see he could peel the dried mass out of the pot . " How lucky is that ? There you go , " he declared as he pulled it out with his fingers . " I thought that might take all day . " He threw it in the ash bin and held the empty pot up for Jacio to see . " Victory . Can you get the fire started ? Chielle and I haven 't eaten since yesterday afternoon . I 'm starving , and I can only imagine she is too . " He took it from her . " I 've got this . You just have a seat . Put your … tail up and relax . You 've worked long enough around here with me laid up . " " Oh good . I arranged that with Norn Tureck . We 'll use that later . " He scraped out the rest of the pot with a spoon and filled it with rice and water . Jacio had the fire going , so Sten put the pot with its lid on the grate . " Yes , dear , " he said without looking up from what he was doing . He caught Jacio and Chielle exchanging a grin . " What are you two up to ? " " You 're welcome . " He grabbed a thin knife and the fish and headed outside . He gutted it , beheaded it , and tossed the offal into the sea . When he stepped back in , Chielle looked at the fish as he walked by and he caught a flash of disappointment . " It 'll be great , " he assured her . He melted a dollop of lard in a skillet while he spilt the fish down the middle . Chielle leaned forward to watch what he was doing as he placed the fish halves into the bubbling lard skin - side down . He checked on the rice , and watched her watching the fish . " Have you ever had cooked fish before ? " He handed her the open bottle and she tried it . " Just smelling it makes my mouth water . She put her finger over the top and tilted it . She looked dubiously at her wet finger before tasting it . " Sweet and salty at the same time . It 's tasty . " " I 'm glad you like it , because the whole meal is going to taste of it . " He checked the rice again and it wasn 't yet done . " Do you have anywhere you need to be today ? " Sten checked the rice again and it was done . So was the fish . " Jacio , three plates please if you will . " He doled out the rice , then scooped the fish flesh off the skins and over the rice , then liberally splashed on the sauce . " Here you are . " " The fish doesn 't look like fish anymore . It all smells all right . She tried a forkful and nodded . " It tastes like is smells , which is good . " Sten headed first to the heaviest of the many items stacked up at the end of the wharf , the crank bellows . He started to lift it by himself but his broken ribs were not having any of it . " Jacio , I 'm going to need your help with this . " So began the rather tedious job of carrying the equipment down the ramp and onto the boat . Chielle stood by appraising what she saw . Sten watched her piecing the parts together in her mind . She seemed to be struggling with it , but she did not say anything . They carried the bellows , the beaten copper bell helmet with the sealed glass window , the twenty lengths of bamboo pipe , several coils of rope , and lastly his swim fins . Chielle stepped up and helped carry some of the pipes and ropes . At one point Sten saw her test fitting one of the rubber ball joints onto the end of one of the bamboo pipes . Again , she did not ask any questions . When they got it all loaded , she turned to him and said , " Clearly you have your heart set on doing this , so I 'm not going to try to talk you out of it . Of course I hope this works . If it fails , I will be right next to you ready to bring you to the surface . Have you tested it ? " When they set sail , she directed them to the spot above her village . " Celidan is about ten of these pipe lengths straight down . So with twenty , you should have some side to side mobility . " " Take down the sail . We 're too deep to set the anchor , and you 're above my home anyway . The wind will blow the boat away , with you attached , before you see anything . " With the sail down , Sten put on his fins and climbed overboard . Jacio handed him pieces of pipe and ball joints , and Sten stuck them together . Chielle hopped in and helped . The pipeline floated as it grew . Last out was the bell . Chielle and Sten held it upright with air inside to keep it buoyant while Jacio held the rope that was attached to its top . Once it was attached to the pipeline , Jacio handed Sten two solid metal weights , which Sten hung on either side of the bell . He yelled up to Jacio , " Start pumping ! " before he ducked up under the bell as it started to sink . Sten was pleased to see the level of the water inside the bell pushed down by the air pressure coming in through the hose fitting at the top . The air pressed down under the edge and created streams of bubbles that floated upward . It took him a moment to figure out how to hold onto the side handles and keep himself upright , with his body in the water up to his ribs . The bell just fit over his upper body with no real room to move his arms inside . He looked out the window in the side and saw Chielle watching him with a very worried look on her face . " It 's working great ! " he yelled , in hopes that she could hear . Very clever of her . As he descended , he realized how cramped the inside of the bell was . It only held a few breaths of air and he could hear his own breathing in the metal enclosure . He never thought of himself as afraid of enclosed small spaces , but this was certainly putting that fear to the test . When he checked the fit on the surface he had thought of it as clothing . Here underwater , it was his whole world . He tried to focus on how big everything was outside through the window . Then he felt the water level starting to rise inside the bell . He yelled to Chielle , " Tell Jacio to pump faster . " A moment later the air pressure increased and once more pushed the water down to the edge . The air pressure inside the helmet was making it difficult to breathe , and his ears felt like they were being crushed . He reached up with one hand and held his nose and blew to adjust the painful pressure inside his head . He was pleased to find that helped a lot . By then he saw the bottom coming up . He peered out the window as shapes came into view . Chielle reappeared and he gave her a thumbs - up sign . At first he wasn 't sure what he was seeing . The bottom was made up of large round hills , one of which he was about to settle onto . Chielle motioned for him to swim to one side , which he easily did with the flippers . He landed on flat sand next to the hill , and he suddenly realized the hill was a house , a round , cultivated coral house . It was just as she had described . He was also amazed to see it was just like the ones in his dream . Two Merrow , a man and a child , swam around the house to face them . Chielle started talking to them . Although he could not understand them , it was clear they were upset and she was reassuring them . There was a lot of pointing at the surface , and Sten couldn 't tell if they were going to let him stay on their property . The pressure in his ears was hurting again , so he held his nose and blew and could focus again . Chielle turned to him and started to say something but paused . She screwed up her face as she figured out how to make English words inside her head underwater . Sten listened hard to figure out the words in the sounds . " They will let you stay , but they fear you will die in their yard . " " Thank them . I 'm going to walk around , " he yelled back . Walking was more swimming in long , slow leaps . The flippers let him maneuver and land without tripping . The houses were organically curved , multichambered coral caves with all the expected reef inhabitants living on the outside . As he walked between two , he saw window portals . Some of them glowed from within . He turned to Chielle , and found her right next to him . " May I see a sunstone ? " She held up a hand , then darted around the other side of the house . A moment later she swam out of the nearby window holding a stone about the size of a human head , oblong and smooth , glowing with a brilliant yellow light . He reached out from under the edge of the bell and touched it . It was cold . " That 's amazing . " She brightened and nodded . She took hold of the rope on top of the bell and lifted him up over the houses . Now that he understood what he was looking at , he could see the houses lined an array of canyons . Again he was taken with how accurate his dream had been . She lowered him down in front of a curved hollow in a hillside . This was the amphitheater from his dream . She alighted him in the bench seats that had been cut into the rock . He looked down to the center and was awe struck with what he saw . The circular " stage " shimmered like a mirror , and in it he thought he could see a reflection of not just the sea above , but of more ocean than he should be able to see at that angle . He didn 't understand what he was seeing , but it was so beautiful he just stood and stared . He was sure he had not seen this reflection when Chielle lowered him . It must be a trick of the angles and the light . It looked more like a window than a reflection , a window out to the whole of the ocean . Chielle was saying something but he wasn 't listening . Then she knocked on the bell and that woke him from his reverie . " We have to go ! " He looked up and saw three large Merrow men swimming straight at them . Chielle swam up to meet them . All three wore the same red robes . Two of them stopped to talk to her but the third swam around her and came up to Sten . He stared into the window and looked around as if looking for something other than Sten . " It 's just me , Sten Holdsmith , the blacksmith from Saint Rachel . " The man seemed entirely unimpressed . Sten looked passed him and saw Chielle was in quite a heated exchange , with the two men pointing and yelling . It looked like they were about to arrest her when she darted away and swooped down to Sten . She said something curt to the near guard , grabbed the rope on top of the bell , and started up . Sten unhooked the side weights and let them drop while he kicked with his flippers to speed the ascent . As the pressure lessened , the air started bubbling up out of the bell , since Jacio was still pumping hard enough for the deep . Sten 's ears felt like they were going to blow out so he grabbed his nose and sucked in until he felt the pressure subside . It only took a few seconds to reach the surface . Chielle was clearly not wasting any time . Sten ducked out of the bell and grabbed it by the rope . He turned around , found the boat many yards away , and called to Jacio . " We 're over here ! Can you pull me in by the rope ? " " I don 't know . I 'm afraid I may have gotten us into some real trouble showing you the temple . Those were our shaman 's templar guards . They have the power to enforce our laws anyway they see fit . They answer only to the shaman . " " No . The temple is open to everyone . That 's why there are no walls around it . It was the reason Celidan was built here . I can 't imagine there is a law forbidding access . " " There doesn 't have to be a law , " Sten supplied . " Distrust of humans would be plenty for the guards to move to protect the site . The good people of Saint Rachel would certainly take up arms if they saw a Merrow walk into the sanctuary of the Atlan temple . They probably saw my very stepping on that ground as a desecration . " He looked around as they neared the boat . " Doesn 't look like they followed . Let 's just hope they 're happy with shooing us away . " Jacio and Chielle both needed to help Sten up the rope ladder onto the boat . His ribs were really hurting , but he was much too excited to let it slow him down . " It was everything I hoped it would be . Their town is beautiful , in the most peaceful , natural way . We may have trespassed a bit , so we need to pack up and get out of here just as fast as we can . Thank you for cranking out that air . I can see it was a chore , but the bell worked perfectly . " Chielle stepped up alongside Sten . " Blauoon . Yes , I 've heard of you . I don 't mean to be suspicious , but there must be something more pressing than congratulations for you to risk censure to come here . " " You are right , Miss Mmava . It is in fact the risk you speak of that brought us here . We had hoped that your visit was a sign that our two villages were now dealing more openly . " Sten smiled and shook his head . " If only that were true . I 'm sorry to say , gentlemen , that my visit was not official or sanctioned by either village . It was just me risking a peak at your beautiful town . " Sten took a long deep breath , as deep as he could with the bandages confining this chest . " You 're stone masons . I imagine you could use tempered hammers and chisels ? " " I 'll tell you what . Sometimes you have to just make the changes you want to see in the world . It takes several steps to work up tool quality steel , so it 's going to take a day or so to do it right . What do you have to trade ? " Sten heard Jacio on the boat involuntarily cough . Sten had to restrain his own reaction . " That should do nicely . Three sets of hammers and chisels . Can you come back the day after tomorrow , say in the afternoon ? " Once they were done , they relaxed in the relative cool of the shack , lounging on chairs and benches . " Sorry that took so long . I had hoped to be done before the heat arrived . That 's something I don 't think I will ever get used to about living in the tropics . Every afternoon you lose two or three hours because it 's just too hot and humid to do any work . " " I 've been living that pattern my whole life , " Jacio added . " I just plan around it and enjoy the break . Some folks eat their biggest meal of the day during the heat , since you 're not going to move around much afterwards anyway . " Sten got up and started poking around in his larder . " Speaking of meals , maybe one of us should run into town and get something . I 'm running low on everything . " Sten found a sketch he had been working on . " Speaking of going into town , I 've been thinking about what life will be like once we get passed this time of conflict . I 've only been here are a year , but my impression is things weren 't always this hostile between the two villages . " " Wow . So things used to be better just twenty years ago . Lots of people on both sides must remember those times . So there is hope we can repair things if we just remind those folks how good it used to be . " " They already know . Your stone mason was very angry to see me here . Your fishermen beat you up for sympathizing with the Merrow . I don 't think Saint Rachel is ready to accept me . " " No , not silly . Just a few years ahead of time . It 's lovely to think we will see a day when I can roll around town and be welcomed as normal . Maybe I 'd wear a dress to cover my tail . Your people seem most distressed by bare Merrow tails . It 's a great idea , Sten . Just a bit soon , I 'm afraid . " " They 're going to see you leave , " Jacio insisted . " They 're already boiling mad . God knows how much worse they 're going to be if they see you here . " When they unloaded , they had piled the diving pipes up along the edge , and so the two step path was now a six or seven step path . Thinking fast , Sten grabbed a bucket of sea water that he used for cooling hot metal . He held it up and asked Chielle , " Will this work ? Or not ? " He poured it over her , and she disappeared . Her clothes were still visible , so she peeled them off and handed them to an astonished Jacio . They watched as her fluke made wet footprints , one after the other to the edge . Boole and his mob pulled up in front of the door . He was hobbling on crutches and his face was covered in bandages . It was obvious how mad he was even with the mask . " What the hell is all this for , diving ? You 've been down to the fin village haven 't you ? I knew it ! You 're conspiring with them against your own people ! " Sten stepped out to face them . " You don 't know the first thing about them . I 'm at least trying to learn . It 's a big ocean . There 's no reason our two villages can 't get along . We need to know more about them so we can work out something more than just driving them out of their fishing grounds . Yes , I visited Celidan , and you know what I found out ? They arrested the young mermen who attacked your boats in Harper 's Meadow . They don 't want the violence either . The only person who wants a war is you , Captain Boole . You only want those fishing grounds if you can take them by force . " Sten pressed his point to them . " Wouldn 't you rather live in peace ? Do you really want more blood on your hands , especially if we find there is a better way ? " Boole heard the mutterings behind him and scowled back at them . " Don 't listen to him . He 's on their side . He 'll say anything to stop us from defending what 's ours . " " Sten , you 've become more of a hazard to the safety of this town than the value of your workmanship . We can get another blacksmith . We can 't live with the man who taught the fin how to make steel weapons to use against us . Seize him , men ! " Sten was undeterred . " Look at me , Selric . I 'm standing tall after defeating you in single combat . You 're crippled up and need to turn your sailors into lackeys to do your dirty work for you . I 'm diving to the ocean floor , trying to find a peaceful solution , looking to the future . You know why I 'm not afraid of you , and why you slink out here like a thief ? Because I 'm right . My righteousness makes me invincible . " The men all stepped back , and Boole clenched his fists and turned bright red around his bandages . " That 's right , I 'm quoting scripture . I am living the Atlantean ideal . I am seizing every moment for the betterment of all . " Boole screamed and threw down his crutches . He staggered up to Sten , attempting a string of insults that just came out as furious gibberish . " Fucking fin lover ! Taunt me with Atlan ! Go die with the damn fin where you belong ! " He threw his arms around Sten 's waist and picked him up while driving him backwards and over the edge . Sten was surprised but not disappointed . " You 're going to kill a tied - up prisoner ? What a coward ! " He had half hoped Boole would lose control and commit a real crime . As he went over the side , Sten saw Boole 's men were shocked as well . Yvette Keller has written an enthusiastic review of Daughter Cell for SF / SF Magazine . " This novel is going to be most satisfying to readers who like things thinly sliced with sharp knives : edgy . " She also interviewed me at my best . Thank you Yvette ! http : / / www . efanzines . com / SFSF / SFSF153 . pdf
When the fight was finally over , he started to pack . She didn 't know what to do . She sat on the edge of the bed . Legs crossed in silence , she watched him . Her eyes wandered across the dingy wooden floors , where she spotted a basket of clean laundry in the corner . Her leg stretched far and toes snagged the edge of the bold blue basket . The heavy plastic scraped closer to her . Careful not to draw any more attention to herself , she slowly reached down for the clean clothes . He packed around her . As she folded his underwear , she wondered if she should pass them to him or just put them in a pile as usual . She piled them up . She didn 't want to seem insensitive , and apparently that was her specialty . " I want to be with someone who wants to spend time with me , someone who doesn 't forget about me and answers the phone when I call . " He told her earlier . She folded their daughter 's tiny , pink pajamas and thought why in the world he even mentioned the want for someone else ? In her mind this relationship and family meant forever . There would never be someone else in her life again . Of course she didn 't have a ring on her left hand , which now held baby booties . She wanted to marry him , but he hadn 't mentioned it and she was just too busy to plan a wedding anyway . She lifted one of his t - shirts from the basket and he snatched it from her hand . " I 'll take this . " He said . She wanted to pierce him with nasty words , but didn 't . She reached into the basket by the bed and grabbed his pajama pants . She looked over at him before she folded it , just in case he wanted that too . He pulled socks from the dresser and for a moment she thought to just ask if he wanted the pants . This was not the time for her sarcasm , she stayed silent . She didn 't say much during the fight either , but he didn 't seem to notice . " Did you ? Did you forget that you were supposed to have lunch with me today ? " He raised his voice then , waited silently for a response . She had to say something to him . Definitely shouldn 't have said that , she thought . She blindly grabbed from the laundry basket , it was too late to explain herself . He was huffing and puffing across the room with arms full of clothes . " No you didn 't . " He said , then shook his head . " You haven 't called once in the past three days . You didn 't even know that you missed lunch until I called you at three o ' clock in the afternoon . " His brown eyes glared at her and hand motions became more elaborate . " Yeah , yeah , the baby and class and homework , I get it . At least you could act like I still exist . " She lined up the legs of his black and red plaid shorts . She loved those shorts on him . She didn 't intentionally forget lunch with him . She graduates from Business School in a month , she never took time off to become a mother . " You don 't understand . " She mumbled , but he wasn 't in the room anymore . She got a stack of his t - shirts ready to be folded . He liked his t - shirt folded so he could clearly see the front of the shirt , like they do at department stores . She never folded a shirt that way in her life until they moved in together . She doesn 't fold her shirts that way , only his . Five years later she didn 't even notice anymore , instinct . " Are you just holding on to this relationship because you don 't want to be alone ? " He asked her earlier that evening . She never answered his question , but he never really waited for an answer , he just kept asking more questions . " You just don 't want to be a single mother ? Is that it ? Are we only getting married because your friends are all doing it ? Because we think we have to ? " He got louder with every question . She didn 't speak . He stomped through the house . She could hear the wooden floors crack beneath his feet . She didn 't even know what she was folding , maybe the baby 's blanket . She could hardly see through the tears that swelled in her eyes . She heard the door slam , then lock and the tears rushed down her cheeks . She wiped them away and grabbed another piece of clothing from the basket by her bed . His new work pants . He 'll be back . It 's finally fall and the leaves are floating from the big maple tree in my back yard . The ground is colored burgundy and orange , green grass peeking through the leaves . Dan struts his way into the kitchen . I can smell the fresh air through the window and cool wind on my face . I sit at the kitchen table looking out . I can hear him , helping himself to a cup of coffee . Nothing is silent . Porcelain dings from the cupboard behind me . The leaves out my window rustle on each branch , holding on for dear life . I can no longer keep my mind at ease with the outside world . He grabs the bar stool from under the table and plops down across from me . The table between us is entirely too small . I can feel him breathing on me . I turn from the window to look at Dan . Whiskers protrude from the sunken skin on the side of his face . He looks worn . Thick , dark hair is still miraculously in place from the night before . It was half past midnight when he stumbled to my door . I wonder if he even remembers . He passed out only a couple minutes after backhanding me - my eye felt as though it would burst . In the morning light , he doesn 't look a thing like the handsome , successful lawyer I fell in love with . I just stare at him , I want him to leave . He 's already dressed in the navy polo and dark blue jeans he wore last night . I can 't see his feet , but I 'm really hoping he has shoes on . Dan looks at me with blood shot eyes , his eyebrows raised as if he has something to say . Placing his arms over the black granite table top , he stretches his hands toward me . My body doesn 't respond . I shouldn 't have made such nasty comments about his drinking , I thought , especially when he was drunk . " I 'm not the bad guy . " I tell him , or maybe I 'm telling myself . I sip my coffee and look back out the window . He shouldn 't have hit me , no way . There is no excuse for that , I thought , he should feel like shit right now . " I 'm sorry , Macy . " He tries to touch my hands that are cuffed around an oversized mug . I carefully slide them off the table and out of his reach . " I 've got to go , I will get a hold of you , okay ? " It sounds like a question , but I don 't know what to say . " Love you . " He says as he gets up to kiss my swollen cheek . I wince . " Me too , " I respond quietly as he walks out . He turns and winks then closes the door behind him . I can only imagine the abundance of roses that will be delivered in the next couple of days . He sends me flowers every time we get into an argument , although he 's never laid a hand on me before last night . I will probably get lilies , mango lilies . He knows they are my favorite . He surprised me with them once before , after our trip to Cabo . On our second night there , he accused me of flirting with our waiter . He changed his flight information and left without me the next morning . The flowers were waiting for me at the door when I got home . I still remember the day we met over a year ago . My neighbor Kim and I walked up the street to Maloney 's , a quaint little neighborhood pub . We both had a Friday afternoon off work and decided to go for an early dinner and drinks . She and I were good friends in high school and almost ten years later , we are neighbors . We walked into the faintly lit bar that was unexpectedly busy for 3 : 00 in the afternoon . The tables were filled with men in suits and three or four couples sat closely at the bar , engaged in intimate conversation . Kim snagged us a table right away . We sat and looked around , thumbed through the menu for appetizers and discussed our weekend plans . " We need our drinks ASAP , " Kim spouted as the waiter approached . She ordered two tall Miller Lights and fried pickles . Our usual bar binge . The waiter walked away in a rush and came right back with drinks . " Great service comes with being so bitchy , " She leaned over and whispered as the waiter walked away . " But then again , spit is hard to see in a freshly poured beer , " I chuckled . " Let 's go smoke . " We grabbed our purses and walked out the patio door of the bar . Kim grabbed her Jackie - O sunglasses out of her purse and put them on . She shook her head back and forth to straighten her dark , auburn bangs in their rightful place over her glasses . She did this every time she put her sunglasses on and took them off . Kim is a hair dresser and has wanted me to change my hairstyle since high school . Her hair has been every color in the rainbow , not to mention the change in style every season . Mine on the other hand has never changed , straight blonde hair , low maintenance . " Do either one of you lovely ladies have a light ? " One of the suited men walked toward us , dark hair and soft green eyes . He stood at least six two , broad shoulders underneath his plum dress shirt . His black tie was loosened around the neck . " Damn , " Kim yelped . I jabbed my elbow into her ribs . " Macy has got one , don 't ya ? " She leaned toward me and knocked into my shoulder with hers . " No wedding ring , " she whispered , not very quietly . I handed him my lighter slowly , hoping he had already forgotten my embarrassing confidant and her big mouth . " I don 't really smoke , " he said , taking another drag from the cigarette . " But I saw you walk in and I thought I might introduce myself . " He threw the cigarette down and put his hand out to me . " Dan Williams , " he said . I shook his hand and smiled . I gazed into his hypnotic eyes , long black lashes . I couldn 't have released my hand from that shake if I 'd tried . I walk toward the door to lock it behind him and step right on broken glass . A framed picture that hung on my living room wall fell and shattered during our scuffle . Blood began to seep out from under my foot onto the wooden floor . Great , I could use a throbbing foot . It will take the attention away from the radiating pain on my face . I hop , one bloody foot in the air , into the bathroom . I strip out of my sweat pants and large t - shirt , inherited from an ex - boyfriend . After pulling the tiny shards of glass from my blood soaked foot , I get into the shower . I turn the water on and just stand under it , going through the maddening details of this twisted relationship that I have gotten myself into . Dan and I had been seeing each other for a couple of months when he finally told me he was married . I remember it vividly . We had dinner at Charlie 's , an upscale seafood restaurant , on a Thursday evening . We sat at a table overlooking a small pond with ducks and geese that fought each other for the last bread crumb . After he told me , I was confused and upset . I asked question after question as he filled my wine glass . " What kind of man takes off his wedding ring when he goes out for drinks ? Why would you wait so long to tell me something like this ? " He didn 't answer most of my questions . Of course , I thought to myself , of course he was married . Dan was thirty five years old , partner at a law firm , and handsome . He told me about his ten year old son and how his wife had gotten pregnant before they were married . The only thing I knew about his wife was her name , Rebecca . I didn 't ask questions about his family and never have . We 've been together for over a year now . He always had that separate life , beyond us . The warm water beating down on me is causing my entire body to ache . My cheek is pounding as though it has a separate heartbeat , pulsing right off my face . I have to get this anxiety and pain out of my soul . I can 't feel the tears , but I know they are there . They are rolling down my face , mixing with the warm shower water . I just scream as loud as I possibly can . " Holy shit , Kim , you almost had to revive me . " I say while poking my head out from the shower curtain . " I 'm fine just letting out a little stress . Sorry about that . " We have each other 's keys in case of an emergency - something I often forget . " Oh my god , Mace . What happened to your face ? " I haven 't looked in the mirror yet this morning . Now I don 't want to , seeing the look of horror on Kim 's face . " Did that just happen ? What did you do ? " " Everything 's fine , " I say , as she disappears from the bathroom door . I listen closely for a response but don 't get one . Hurrying out of the shower , I catch a glimpse of myself in the steamed mirror . I wipe the mirror clean . My right cheekbone is three times the size of my left . The swelling is taking over my eye as well . The color is turning from a deep red to purple , as a bruise begins to form . I 'm so disgusted , my stomach churns . I definitely can 't go out in public looking like this . I look like a domestic violence poster . Nothing I can do now but get my clothes on and listen to Kim 's lecture . Sure enough , she is lounging in the corner of my couch , her legs crossed . I keep watching her foot move back and forth rapidly , a nervous tick when she gets upset . This is not going to be a good conversation , I can tell . " What in the hell happened ? What are you going to do Macy ? " She starts in with the questions . I don 't think she actually wants me to answer any of them , so I won 't . I 'll just listen . " I told you a year ago to let him go . He 's crazy , not mention married . Let his wife deal with him . " I immediately regret telling Kim everything about our relationship . Yes , he 's overbearing and aggressive at times but , I wouldn 't call him crazy . " We need to get you out of this , as soon as possible . You need to learn how to let go of crappy , future - less relationships , Mace . " She continues . " You do this all the time . Remember Matt , from high school ? " Ugh . I do remember Matt . I dated him for a couple months until he moved down south with his family . I never really talked to him again , but I told people I talked to him all the time . I went on and on about Matt for four or five months after he left , pretending our relationship was better than ever . My friends knew the truth but played along . They must have felt sorry for me . Then it 's silent , we sit there staring off , deep in our own thought . She 's right . I have a hard time letting go of the men in my life . Especially the assholes , I start a rant of my own . " I am the one sacrificing . I want kids someday and I want to get married . He has all that . Your right , he 's wasting my time . " It feels good to get that off my chest . I 've finally said what I have been thinking in the back of mind . Suddenly , Kim and I hear a dull ring . We both looked at our phones then at each other in confusion . " That 's not yours ? " I ask , already knowing the answer . We get up and hunch over , following the sound of the ring like drug dogs . We move slowly down the hall , careful not to make any noises so we can hear where it 's coming from . Kim goes into the bathroom in search and I ruffle through the bed . " No way , I don 't know where he went from my house . Maybe it 's his wife . " I like to imagine what his wife looks like . They have a lot of money so sometimes I think of her as this prissy little thing with perfect hair and nails . The kind of woman who wears size two , designer jeans and goes to yoga every morning . I can picture her toting a little rat dog in her purse , on the way to her plastic surgeon 's office . I sometimes imagine her as the typical soccer mom . With a haircut to match her ten year old son 's and high - waist jeans . I bet she drives a Benz either way . " Maybe he is just looking for his phone , " Kim antagonizes me . She wants me to answer the phone . " If it 's his wife , even better , you can tell her she married an ass . Assuming she doesn 't already know that by now . " The phone stops ringing and I let out a sigh of relief . Before either one of us can get a word out , it rings again , with that same single word that 's haunting me , " Home . " I have to answer . The pounding pain on my face is telling me to . There is no way that it 's Dan on the other end of this phone . He would have come back . He never calls me from home . " You have my husband 's phone , " a soft voice says . I can 't tell if she is asking or telling me . Her voice is timid . A cold rush of guilt runs through my bones . I can feel my palms sweat . I have to think of something quick , I have to lie . The silence through the phone seems to be lasting for hours . Say something . " I do , I 'm sorry . " I don 't know why I apologize . What am I thinking ? I 'm not thinking . How did I end up in a position like this ? My mind is racing . I don 't know what to say . I say , " this is Macy . " " You don 't stay married to a man for ten years and not know when he 's with another woman . " She didn 't sound as angry as I would see myself being . If I were in her position , that is . I opened my mouth , but no words would come out . She was direct and forceful but not emotional . She wasn 't crying , she didn 't call me a bitch or threaten to burn down my house . What is left to say to this woman ? I can 't meet her anywhere , I 'm a mess . I hesitate for a moment , then rattle off my address . Thankful she didn 't already know it . We hang up . I walk into the bathroom , head down and close the door behind me . I can here Kim 's footsteps as they creak down the hall to the bathroom door . I cry , I 'm ashamed that I was with a married man for so long . I look in the mirror and cry , my face is embarrassing . I don 't want his wife to see this . I let him hit me . I never put up a fight and he walk all over me , just as he was doing to her . I cry too , because I will never see him again and I know I will miss him . " I heard , " Kim says . " What do you want to do ? Do you want me to give it to her ? I 'll meet her on the porch , she won 't even come in . " " Yeah , I do . I mean , I can 't let her see me like this . Look at my face , I can 't cover this up . Is that what you think I should do ? " " Mace , I 'm here to help you , I will do whatever you want . If you want my honest opinion , however I think you need to give it to her yourself . You owe her the whole truth , so don 't try to cover your face . You do need brush that hair though . " Twenty minutes later , a white Ford Escape pulls up to the curb right in front of my house . I open the door and walk out onto the wooden porch . She comes up the stairs . She isn 't anything like I thought she would be . She doesn 't have a ten year old boy 's hair - cut . Her hair is curly and blonde . She doesn 't have manicured nails or a little dog in her purse . I can tell she 's a little older than me , but not by much . She stands in front of me , neither of us saying the first word . She has the look of exhaustion , the same way I feel . Maybe it 's the run down feeling that love sometimes brings . A tear glides down my face as I hand her the phone . She grabs it in one hand and with the other she reaches up and cups my cheek in her palm . I don 't squint , as I would have if it were my own hand reaching toward my wound . Her hands are gentle . " Trust me , " Rebecca says quietly . " He has already moved on . Don 't waste any more energy on this . Pick yourself up and let him go . " She turns , phone in hand and walks down the stairs . " Aw , damn it , " Tony said . He slowed the black Jeep and pulled off to the shoulder . The ruptured tire made a loud plop plop plop , as it came to a stop . Tony and Chris looked at each other in silence , both men waiting for the other to make a move . They flashed grins at one another . Macy felt an eruption of panic from the backseat . Men are so incompetent , she thought . Her panic turned to rage as they snickered and giggled . " What should we do ? " Tony brushed his shaggy curls to the side . His tone was very casual , as if he were trying to figure out weekend plans . Never mind the fact that they were stranded on an empty stretch of highway , in the middle of Iowa . Darkness crept in . The long Memorial Day weekend was coming to an end . The last gas station that looked open was at least a half hour back . Macy had pointed it out so she wouldn 't have to endure anymore bathroom breaks on the side of the road . " Cause it 's a piece , " Tony stated . " Can 't hold a charge , can 't hear anybody . I always leave it at home . What a waste . " " Dude , just get a new one . " Chris laughed and checked his pockets . Macy rolled her eyes . Tony 's nonchalant attitude about every situation - regardless of the seriousness - was really annoying . To Chris , this was surely part of Tony 's appeal , they were friends since high school and Tony had yet to grow into a responsible adult . This attitude , which Macy also used to love , was just childish . Wow , she rubbed her forehead . " Wow , dude . " Tony laughed . " Mace 's got one . " He turned and extended his arm across the seat to the back . Macy rummaged through her backpack and handed her phone to Tony . He dialed his Dad . Macy watched Bob Marley 's head dangle from the rearview mirror . She glared over his shoulder . His bony fingers circled every number before pushing it , like he forgot how to use a phone . He probably had . " Nothing , " he said while he stared at the phone . " It says ' No Service ' . Here , " he handed Chris the phone . " Get out and walk around , maybe we 're in a dead zone . " Macy 's heart raced . Soon the cars on the highway wouldn 't see them . She reached up into the front seat around Tony and flipped on the flashers . Wordlessly , they watched Chris walk around , back and forth , holding up the phone then putting it to his ear . When he lifted the phone , the faded black sleeves on his shirt fell up toward his shoulders that revealed the distasteful tattoo of a woman 's legs on each side of his armpit . Gross , she thought . " Nope , " Chris shouted toward the windshield . He shrugged and hoped back in the Jeep . " This whole area must be out of service . On the bright side , at least the man can 't find you everywhere . " Neither of the men attempted to look for the manual . There was no talk of changing the tire or even checking for a spare . Macy watched them stretch out with ease as if help were already on the way . They must have assumed some mechanically inclined person would come along soon to rescue them , no biggie . As usual , Macy thought . Tony didn 't worry about much . She turned toward the back window to watch for cars coming up behind them . Maybe someone would stop . But the highway was dead . It was like zombies had taken over the world , they were the only ones left and now doomed to be eaten because of a flat tire . There were spurts of smoke and reminisces about the weekend while the time passed . Macy remembered her father . He jumped out of their beat up Bronco at least a dozen times to change a flat tire . He did it successfully every time , in what seemed like moments . They were nothing like her father . Boys , she thought , not men . This wasn 't the first time she was stuck with Tony and Chris for an abnormally long weekend . " Road trip reunion " is what they called it . The term itself made Macy squirm . Tony and Chris took little road trips at least twice year , to visit his friends from high school . Most of their friends had moved on and became successful , although , it wouldn 't be hard to look successful next to Tony . This weekend was Macy 's third trip with them . She spent her time forcing a permanent smile , laughing at jokes that made no sense and only speaking when spoken to . She despised herself for buying new , cute little dresses for these ridiculous occasions and spending so much damn time getting her hair perfect . For what ? To overhear Tony 's perverse friend call her " smoking hot " ? It wasn 't even a compliment anymore . Macy cursed them under her breath , the same thing she had done the past two days in Kansas City . On the way out there , Tony repeated , " I totally know where we 're going , I know exactly where we 're going , " whenever Macy or Chris questioned his navigation skills . In fact , he had no idea where they were going and missed the exit by an hour . Macy sat in the backseat , tense . The sky turned grey . Her teeth clenched , she begged the sun not to go but it disappeared over the flat plains . It was official . Darkness had fallen . " Ya think we should get out of the car ? " Chris suggested . " I don 't know , I mean what if we get hit or something ? " Tony nodded and flung the driver side door open . The others followed . They all stood off the shoulder , knee deep in prickly weeds . Macy rubbed her legs together , trying to scour out the itch all over her calves . They all swung their arms , swatting flies and mosquitos . The car sat on the asphalt and they watched the glow of the interior lights . The battery will go next , she thought , but never spoke a word of it . After staring at the jeep for a bit she began to feel a bond with it . The poor thing sat there , helpless , using the last of its energy to save these dumbasses , who didn 't know a thing about the vehicle to begin with . She wanted to protect it , to keep it safe but she was too scared to suggest turning off the lights . In a way , it was protecting her as well . Every so often , a car flew by . The three of them backed further from the edge of the road each time another passed . Pictures of police cars and ambulances filled Macy 's head . Terror rose in her throat and her hands began to shake when headlights appeared in the distance . She thought for sure , one of these speeding cars was going right for the Jeep . She thought of her last phone conversation with her mother earlier that day . She wondered how her mother would react , when the State Trooper knocked on her door in the middle of the night to tell her that her daughter was in a terrible car accident . Macy was all her mother had left . As she watched Tony re - emerge , Macy now felt the sudden urge to go too . She clenched tight and her legs crossed against her will . She was too scared to go hide behind a tree , alone right now . She turned back toward the road , blinking rapidly . She tried to divert her attention to something else , other than her sudden need to pee . Macy was completely alone and unprotected . She was the only woman , out of three of them and felt no comfort . She was supposed to be the weakest . She was not supposed to know how to change a tire . Now , all she wanted to do was cry . Tony walked toward them , still keeping a physical distance from Macy . He didn 't put his arm around her shoulder or whisper in her ear that everything would be okay . He didn 't even ask how she was doing and if she was scared . She wanted to be comforted by skin . Instead , all she could feel were the weeds that scraped against her calves and the mosquitoes that swarmed her arms and legs , feasting on her blood . Suddenly , she noticed that a set of headlights was slowing their speed , they approached the Jeep slowly . She straightened her stance like a hound that just caught a scent . The car stopped , glaring headlights in their direction . She squinted to see around the bright lights and followed Tony and Chris toward the vehicle . " Yea , " Tony stated . Macy froze . She saw the lights on top of the car and the silhouette of a police woman , in full uniform . She turned and looked at Tony , whose eyes were wide , staring in the direction of Chris . Macy ran her palms down the back pockets of her shorts and around to the front , they were empty . Phew . At least she wouldn 't be the one going to jail tonight . " Home , uh , we live in Omaha . " Tony was nervous , Macy could tell . That 's what cops did . They made people nervous - even the people who didn 't have pot stashed in the glove compartment . As a child , Macy was taught that the police are there to help . She was taught to dial 911 in case of an emergency and find an officer if she was ever lost . Her child - like view on the role of a police officer changed quickly . Macy began to recall the high school parties she used to go to every weekend . She hid in dark rooms for fear of getting busted by the cops , who were pounding down the door . Once , her boyfriend picked her up from one of those parties . He was supposed to take her home but he refused . Rob , he was the jealous type and had already graduated high school . He wanted to know how many boys were at the party , whose car that was parked in the street . He 'd demand to know who exactly she spoke with and laughed with during this so - called party . Macy was drunk . She laughed at him and told him that he was crazy . She just wanted to go home and sleep it all off but he took her to an abandon parking lot . They screamed at each other , he didn 't trust Macy and she just wanted to go home . She refused to leave the car , knowing they were far from her home . Rob got out of the driver 's seat , walked around , opened Macy 's door and dragged her out of his car by her hair . She used a pay phone to call the police , told them what happened , and waited for an officer to pick her up and take her home . They picked her up , alright , and took her to jail for minor in possession of alcohol . " You can 't change it ? " The lady cop asked skeptically . She looked at Tony and Chris . Her eye wondered over to Macy , who stood arms crossed , staring down the two men , waiting for one of them to answer . She didn 't say a word , only hoped her mutual distain would carry over to the other woman through dust particles floating in the air . " Let me see if I can get you guys a tow , " she got back in the cruiser and closed the door behind her . Macy couldn 't help it , she casually whacked Tony across his shoulder as if to say " you dumbass . " There was nothing they could do at this point . If she smelled it , she was calling for back up . If not , she was calling for a tow . They waited without a sound , all three of them , watching . Only a couple of minutes later , the interior light of the cruiser flipped on and the petite woman stepped out . " Well , " she shouted from the driver door . " Tow truck 'll be here soon . They said it will be about half hour , forty - five minutes . " " Thank you so much . " Tony started to walk toward her , in attempt to shake the woman 's hand . His motion startled Macy . They were in the clear , what in the world was he doing ? She reached up and cupped his elbow in her hand . She pulled him back , hoping he would catch her drift and not move any closer . Tony yanked his arm free and continued up toward the gravel . " I would suggest staying put for now , down off the shoulder . You may want to think about turning those lights off soon so your battery doesn 't die . I have got to go , good luck , guys . " Just like that , she was back in the car , lights on and disappeared down the dark highway . A mosquito , Macy thought . She could not believe that she was swatted away like the damn mosquitos that have been eating her alive . " What an asshole , " she said aloud . Her voice cracked , did they hear that or was it a whisper ? She could only hear her heart , beating with anxiety . She wondered if Tony heard , but nobody spoke . Macy legs began to shake . She walked up and sat in the gravel . She was mute , but waited for one of them to speak up and tell her not to sit up there , so she could give them a piece of her mind . Chris followed her to the gravel a couple minutes later . He sprawled out across the gravel and laid his head into his folded arms . It had been an hour when headlights slowed in the distance . Tony had been tossing rocks at the flat tire for a half hour at least . Macy stood and spotted the triangle beams above the cab of the truck . She could no longer keep in the built up emotions that had been gnawing at her . She gave in to her body 's need to cry . She tried to keep in each burst of emotion as she cried secretly . Wiping away the tears , one by one as she felt them overflow onto her cheeks . In this moment , she was nothing but thankful for the loud , annoying hum of the tow truck . Honest Auto . Council Bluffs , IA . Tony walked over and kicked Chris in the side to wake him . The driver cut the ignition and pushed open his rusted door that was just as loud as the engine . An old man stepped out . Gray hair snuck out from under his John Deere hat . He was short and hunched over . " Well , let me get ya fixed up and out of here . " He walked around to the back of the Jeep , removed the lug nuts and the tire with ease . From the misty glare of the headlights , Macy watched him intently . She watched his every move . He leisurely knelt in front of the flat . All his weight bore down on his left arm which shook as he slid the jack under the vehicle . The tire was replaced in a flash . Tony got into the Jeep and started the ignition . " We 're good , man . Thank you so much , you saved us . " Chris jumped into the passenger seat with a wide grin and began getting comfortable . " Hey , we 're going the same way , right ? Why don 't you let us buy you a beer when we get to CB ? " Chris suggested , leaning over Tony and peering at the man . " Oh no , no thank you , " the old man said as he threw his tool box into the back of the white , rusted tow truck . " Is there anything else I can do for you ? " He looked at the two men in the Jeep , then at Macy , who was standing next to Tony 's window .
Denis 's brothers have gained weight , fifteen maybe twenty pounds since last he 's seen them . This is due to both of them being failures , being poor , he thinks . Poor people eat at McDonald 's , eat potted meat , eat bacon and sausage and drink whole milk for breakfast . And when he hugged them earlier , both smelled of cigarette smoke . Poor people smoke . Don 't go to the gym . He tensed his flat stomach when their soft bellies pressed against him , turned his head away from their cigarette breath . But how could he be thinking about this , with his wife crying beside him , and his ten - year - old daughter being lowered slowly in her coffin , cradled in chains , by some mechanized contraption he doesn 't want to know the name for ? Fucking insane . They decided to bury Jane back home , where they had grown up and met and been engaged . Elena still drives here to visit her mother every weekend , occasionally stopping by to see Denis 's mother as well . It 's only an hour away , Denis . No biggie , alright ? She picked that one up from Jane . Can I go to the dance , Daddy ? Can I stay over at Lucy 's ? It 's no biggie , Daddy , really . He doesn 't even want to think the goddamned words . But he never makes a fuss , not one to speak of anyway , about Elena 's trips . And when she says that someone has to keep in touch with their families , he lets that go by , doesn 't take her bait for an argument , though he doesn 't understand why she wants to go back . When he left Hickory , North Carolina , it was for good . But the last few months , since the incident ( or , The Incident as he 's begun thinking of it spitefully , because no one wants to talk about what happened ) , Elena has been going every couple of days , leaving him alone in the house with his thoughts and with Jane 's ghostly room . The expensive coffin thuds when it touches earth . Elena cries more loudly when she hears it thud . There 's a grinding of gears as the contraption somehow retracts the straps and chains . Someone invented that thing , Denis thinks , and is to this day earning dividends on its continued use . Denis wishes he 'd bought the more expensive coffin now . He 'd spent over four thousand , but he should have spent more . At the time , it seemed ridiculous to worry about what he buried Jane in . Now , he feels like he skimped , like he told his dead daughter she wasn 't worth an extra grand or two . He closes his eyes and tries to stop thinking . The preacher talks about God and circles of life and a bunch of other shit Denis can 't listen to . He looks into the barren , calligraphic trees , and wants to find some comfort or meaning in their bare branches . Calligraphic . He 'd read that description of trees in a book he 'd liked , but he can 't remember which book right now , just that he 'd liked it . He looks at his shiny shoes and thinks how stupid shiny shoes are . The grass beneath his feet . The curve of his wife 's waist , the black leggings she 's wearing , a freckle on her neck . Sex enters his mind . He thinks how Jane grew inside Elena . They haven 't had sex since Jane disappeared . He wants to have sex . Stop thinking , just stop . Please , let me stop . Eyes closed , he lets his head fall back . He is surprised to feel tears on his neck . Jimmy , his oldest brother , goes into a coughing fit , phlegm cracking in his chest . Denis watches him look around for a place to spit . Hard to find a place to spit at a funeral , isn 't it , asshole ? Denis closes his eyes again . It 's not like I don 't deserve all of this . Watching it unfold on TV might have been the worst part . These fuckers are getting better ratings because of all this , he thought . Elena giving an interview , breaking down on local news . Photos of Jane . Jane in a swimming pool , its blue water glistening chlorine - clean behind her . Jane from the school yearbook . A casual photo of her on the grass reading a book . Denis squeezed his hands down on the armchair , trying to keep himself from smashing the television every time some new anchorman called it an ongoing tragedy , a mystery unsolved , a horror for everyone in Charlotte , North Carolina . The police had assumed it was a kidnapping . There had been several in the area over the past year , a fat policeman , Officer Jenkins , told Denis and Elena . You might 've seen something about them on the TV , he 'd said , and Denis did remember something about a girl , age eleven or twelve , just about Jane 's age , who had been found stabbed to death in a dumpster over in Davidson , down the road a bit . What a bastard , Denis thought . That is the last thing you want to tell us . He looked at his wife , but he could see that she didn 't remember anything about other kidnappings , so he just nodded at the fat policeman and didn 't say anything . " Or she might be off horsing around with some friends . That happens too , you know , " Officer Jenkins said to Elena . " That might be all it is . " That night , exhausted from driving around the neighboring suburbs all day looking for Jane , and from dealing with the police , they cooked dinner as usual but ate standing in the kitchen . He cut onions and tomatoes , and they both drank wine by the glassful . Elena propped herself against the sink and forked small pieces of pasta into her mouth while Denis leaned over the tile - topped island in the middle of the kitchen and smeared sauce around his plate with a piece of toast . Afterwards , they set the dishes in the sink and ran hot water over them , didn 't bother to wash them . " At least she 's wearing her good wool coat , " Elena said . It seemed like the first thing she 'd said since Officer Jenkins had left hours ago . But that couldn 't be right . She must have said something else . " She 's going to be okay , " Denis said , staring at the greasy - red water in the sink . " I don 't care what that fat fuck says . " Denis stood there expecting her to act offended , to say something about his cursing . " Officer Fatkins , " he said a few seconds later and barked a sharp burst of laughter . Denis poured himself another large glass of wine and drank it , wondering why he 'd wanted to offend her at a time like this . He 'd read some article about couples lashing out at each other during times of stress . Almost as if one of the duties of love was to be each other 's punching bags . What a stupid way to be . He stared at the water in the sink - the yellowish , coagulating grease and the translucent red from the marinara . He wanted to clean the dishes but couldn 't bear to put his hands in the water . Now Elena was watching a movie from their collection - The English Patient or The End of the Affair or Sophie 's Choice , some snooty smart shit like that ; he couldn 't tell which and didn 't care to go into the living room to find out . He didn 't know how long he 'd been standing in the kitchen , looking at the water and drinking his wine . He walked down the hallway and climbed the stairs to his office where he would shuffle papers or maybe get some work done , though he doubted it . Just going through the motions , Denis would tell his partners in the coming weeks when they asked how he was doing . On his office desk there was a photo of the three of them . Jane was just an infant then . She had been born three months premature and there was some question as to whether they would lose her . Denis remembered standing outside her little plastic cage , tubes taped to her body , machines all around . Her skin was so red and thin , so not - human . Larval . He had hated himself for thinking of his baby girl as anything but perfect , especially with Elena laid up in a bed two floors above in the hospital , recovering from the caesarian section . What kind of father am I ? As Jane grew into a little girl , Denis remembered his early impressions and doted on her , atoning for a sin no one else knew he 'd committed . He would think about her all day at the office , and on his way home he 'd stop by the toy store and buy whatever thing she 'd been prattling about the previous night at the dinner table . Sometimes he 'd just walk into the store and ask a worker what was popular these days , what did they sell the most of , and he would buy that , whatever it was and whatever the price . Sometimes he 'd lie in the dark before going to sleep and think how close they 'd come to losing her and what a bastard he was . " I 'm going back out to look for her , " Elena said . He looked up from his desk and saw her backlit in the doorway of his office . " You want to come with me ? " Denis looks over the grave and past the preacher , who is still talking , something about the bright light of God 's love and the darkness of somethingsomething . Denis looks at Shari and Carl , who are standing toward the back , near the gate . He hasn 't seen Shari for two years or more . She made Carl come , Denis thinks , and he wants to thank her , knowing how hard it must be on them to be here . Shari looks up and their eyes meet briefly before she turns her head to focus on the preacher . Denis notices that Carl is staring at him and looks at the ground . Denis first met Carl through one of his clients . Carl owned a software development and troubleshooting company that was merging with another company specializing in hardware installation and repair . " We 'll be a one - stop computer solution , " Carl said and grinned at how smart he thought that sounded . Denis almost suggested that he make that the company motto but then realized it probably already was . Carl needed the merger done smoothly and quickly . The task would be simple enough , a few stock - phrased contracts with some slight rewording . He 'd need to check the outstanding invoices for each company and make sure there were no breeches in either 's Articles of Organization . But all in all , it was an easy job and so Denis agreed to take it , only padding the estimated billable hours by five , not his usual ten . Denis was about to decline the offer but thought there might be more business to be had with Carl . " Why don 't we go out on my boat ? " Denis said . " There 's a great restaurant on the lake where we can dock and go in to eat or have the food delivered to the boat . " When Denis and Elena had moved into the house on Lake Norman , Elena began keeping these little pastel post - it notes around the house . She had ones with bunnies , rainbows , fluffy clouds . He used to pick on her about them . " Ah , wook at the wittle bunnwies , " he teased . He drew devil horns on a bunny or altered a leprechaun so that it was holding a huge , erect penis at the end of a rainbow . Elena rolled her eyes . They 'd gotten married the summer after graduation , before he matriculated at Carolina Law School and she began her MA in Spanish . Through those three years , they were careful that Elena didn 't get pregnant . The last thing they needed was a financial burden like that . Popping out babies is how people back home kept themselves stuck in Hicksville . They knew at least half a dozen girls who had dropped out of school when they got pregnant . Denis 's best friend in high school , Trace Reams , already had two kids from different mothers and was living with a third woman , the last Denis had heard . But they wanted children . And so , after they 'd moved in , Elena began trying to get pregnant . Denis still remembers the first time they had sex in the new house . He replayed those words for months . The way she looked at him , the command in her voice , the love . She 'd never spoken to him like that before . The four of them went out on Denis 's boat . They planned to cruise around , eventually making their way to the Onshore Café , where they would eat what Denis assured Carl was the best surf - n - turf in the whole state of North Carolina . Elena and Shari called Denis and Carl " the boys . " Carl opened the cooler he brought with him , showing Denis an assortment of bottled beers , and winked in a way meant to be conspiratorial , but which looked idiotic to Denis , though he managed a smile at the beer for Carl . Denis had never considered owning businesses or property . He suddenly felt like a country bumpkin , happy to get his little share of the pie just because it was a slightly bigger piece than he had before . He was thinking about ways to make his money grow when he saw a boat zigzagging in the distance . Denis and Carl watched as the boat approached , admiring its sleek shape and the clean rumble of the engine . Then Denis saw the boat was headed at them . He gripped the steering wheel , but he didn 't change course , unable to guess where the oncoming boat 's zigzags would take it . He hit his horn , gave three sharp bursts . The boat veered starboard at the last instant . As the boat passed , close enough to spray them with water from its wake , Denis saw that the three women on board were naked . The man steering the boat stood at the wheel , shirtless and tanned , muscular and tall like a basketball player . Elena and Shari had been talking and drinking their wine coolers . They came to see what the commotion was about . The three girls waved , unashamed . Denis walked down to the cooler and grabbed a beer , acting as calm as he knew how . He twisted the top off and drank , looking over the bottle at the topless girls receding in the distance . " That sonuvabitch is the one going to be having some fun , " Carl said and laughed . " Must be that boat . Hey , Denis , you got to get yourself a bigger boat , and then we can really begin to have some parties out here on the lake . " Denis watched Elena rub the fabric of her shorts and twist her knee slightly inward , the ghost of a little - girl gesture , probably picked up from Jane . He was struck by how long he 'd known Elena . He 'd known her since he was a grade school boy and she was just a classmate who lived down the road , a partner for riding bikes or playing board games . I 've probably seen her do that a thousand times . She 's been doing that since we were kids . It 's not Jane she got it from ; Jane 's gotten it from her . " Nothing , " she said . But the way she and Shari looked at each other , he knew she had said something he hadn 't been meant to hear . He looked to Shari for help , doofus grin still in place , but she just winked at him . " Don 't you think it 'd be fun to be that kind of girl , though ? " Shari said to Elena , and nodded her head in the direction the nice boat had gone . " Carefree , crazy , doing what you want ? " But even more than her beauty , Denis loved her because she was the only other person he knew as dedicated to getting out of rural North Carolina . They 'd sit in the Waffle House , holding hands under the table , sipping coffee and fantasizing about what all they would do . Even then he knew he wanted to be a lawyer . He saw the law as the great equalizer . Anyone with a law degree can become rich no matter where he started , Denis thought . And he liked the high - mindedness of the law . And he liked the power of it . He 'd read about the law bringing down Senators and Presidents , and he 'd heard of farm boys who , after studying law , now owned mansions . The Great Equalizer . That was his secret name for the law , and though he knew it wasn 't perfect , he also knew it was his best shot at making something of himself which , aside from marrying Elena one day , was all that mattered to him . But now Denis is watching Elena cry as he puts his arm around her black - clad shoulder . He hates to see her in so much pain . This woman , my wife . . . He tries to imagine what life would be like without her but can 't . He looks around at the people gathered and realizes he doesn 't know many of them . But he knows Elena ; he knows her because so much of their lives are the same and have been for decades . He pulls her closer to him , and she turns her face and rests it on his shoulder . " Denis , " she says and squeezes the fine fabric of his suit jacket . It soon became a habit for the couples to go out together . They got together every weekend except when Jane had a sporting event or Elena insisted on driving to Hickory to visit with their families . It was a Saturday afternoon and Carl had invited Denis over for a few games of golf . Carl and Shari lived in a golfing community on the edge of town . Denis made fun of the street names as he and Elena drove through the neighborhood . Three Wood Drive , Caddy Lane , Nine Iron Avenue , Green Street . Jane was in the backseat , making her dolls have a conversation about the weather . " It is a beautiful day , " said Barbie . " You are a beautiful day , " said Ken . Denis looked over his shoulder at Jane , then to Elena . At the graveyard , his mother is holding a tissue to her face , but he doesn 't see any tears . She is flabby and fat . Her clothes are cheap , from the Wal - Mart near her house . He only cares about his wife and daughter , and now his daughter is dead . She is completely , irrevocably dead . He can 't look at his mother any longer so he looks at Elena , at the perfect curve of her back , the real tears on her cheeks . Denis turned in his mother 's driveway and took in the smallness of her house . This had been his childhood home , where everything was huge in memory - counters head - high , ceilings unreachable . The steps on the front porch were steep to his little - boy legs . Now they were three small steps he would take in one jaunty hop . The front door seemed barely wide enough for Elena to get through . Martha - his mother 's decades - long friend , practically a member of the family - was drinking instant coffee at the kitchen table when his mother ushered them inside . The way Martha looked at Denis , then inspected Elena , he knew she had been invited over just to see how he 'd grown up , how the wayward son had returned . This would be a tedious visit . After the usual back and forth of introductions , false compliments , and a few saccharine memories , all of which Denis could barely stand to listen to , his mother looked to Elena and said , " Oh , did you bring them pictures of the house ? " Denis looked at Elena . He 'd heard nothing about pictures . He didn 't know that his wife and his mother had spoken since the move . He tried to catch Elena 's eye , but she wouldn 't meet his eyes . " Yes , they 're right here in my bag , " she said . She reached into her turquoise leather handbag and produced a small package from the one - hour photo place in the mall . Denis 's mother and Martha began ogling over the photos of the house and of Lake Norman . Denis didn 't like to hear his mother speak with such pride about him . She didn 't even know who he was anymore . How could she be proud of him ? Elena was pregnant with Jane at the time , but they hadn 't told anyone yet . They 'd just found out themselves the previous week . Denis dreaded having to hear his mother coo and giggle with delight at having a grandchild . He left the three of them to look over the photos . Outside , standing on the porch , he looked out over the expanse of trees and mountains to the east . I 'm from here ; such a strange thought . His brothers were down in the barn working on his mother 's pick - up truck . He figured he 'd go down and say hello . It seemed the brotherly thing to do , and walking down the sparsely graveled road to the barn made him feel like a boy again . He kicked a plastic pop - bottle lid in front of him on his way , losing it in the grass just as he got to the barn . " Yes , indeed - y , " said Tom . " Yes , sir , indeed . Why , it 's our little brother . " Tom hung his grease - blackened rag on the side - view mirror . " Cut the shit , guys . I 'm back to visit Mom , and I want this to be nice . I don 't need your tweedle - dumb and tweedle - fucking - dumber act , okay ? " Back in the house , Denis told Elena to get her things . " We 're leaving , " he said . She looked at him blankly . " Get up , " he said . " Let 's go . " It was at a birthday party for one of Elena 's sorority sisters , Denis doesn 't remember which , that they had met Emiliano . This was their junior year at UNC . Emiliano was from Spain , studying abroad here in America for a year , and as a native speaker of Spanish was often invited to Spanish Department parties . They were introduced and Emiliano spoke Spanish with Elena . Denis stood there , smiling dumbly , waiting for them to revert to English . Elena laughed at something Emiliano said , and Denis smiled bigger and looked at her , and then at Emiliano . Denis was back - rowing it in his Spanish class at the time , barely pulling a B , and that was with hours of help from Elena . It drove him crazy , not being able to learn it . He had hoped that he could be fluent so Elena and he could speak Spanish together . There was something romantic about that idea to him . But , despite perfect grades in every other subject , his brain just couldn 't make sense of a foreign language . One night , a month later , they were in her dorm room . Denis began playfully undoing her pants . She froze , pushed him away , and turned on the light . Her roommate 's pot - leaf poster looked so ridiculous on the opposite wall , and all Denis wanted to do was have sex . It was Emiliano , as he had known it would eventually be Emiliano , that man from so far away , a place nothing like Hickory or even Chapel Hill , North Carolina . She loved him more than ever , she insisted . " This is a good thing , " she said . " It made me see how much you matter to me . " She hugged herself to him , but he kept his arms pressed to his sides . He knew he wouldn 't break things off with her , but he didn 't want to talk about it , didn 't want to be asked to forgive her . He just wanted the whole thing over with so he could pretend it never happened . Standing beside her now in the cemetery - all these people around , the bare trees behind the preacher - Denis wonders what ever happened to Emiliano . It seems funny that he ever entered their lives . It 's like a story about someone else . Denis can 't put himself back in his college self . He wishes he wasn 't thinking of some long - forgotten Spaniard who had fucked his wife , but the fact no longer held any hurt for him . He and Shari were driving down Tyvola Road . It was the third time they 'd met , though he had hoped there would only be the first . Now the prospect of a prolonged affair was before him , and he wanted to have the strength to end it . Shari put her hand on his thigh . The weight of it sitting there was nice . He could feel the fabric of his suit pants slick against his leg . Carl was out of town , so they hadn 't bothered with a hotel . Something about how Denis felt fucking another man 's wife in their bed made him angry . How could Shari do that to Carl ? He remembered a friend from college 's saying : the best sex is the sex you shouldn 't be having . It had been maybe the best sex of his life . He smiled at the memory of it , and Shari began massaging his leg , working her way up . When he felt himself getting hard , he slapped her hand away . He drove on for several minutes before she put her hand back on his leg . He looked at her , and she looked at him , smiled a little apologetic smile , tilting her head downward and to the left , letting her eyes close slowly . Making sure I appreciate the gesture . But he didn 't move her hand away , and he didn 't stop her as she unzipped his pants . He was worried about the other cars on the road and worried briefly that he might crash . That would be a total disaster . There was a large parking lot to his right , with a huge blinking neon sign . He pushed Shari 's hand away and pulled into the parking lot . When he had parked , he zipped his pants up over his uncomfortable erection and looked at her . As they got out of the car , he looked at the neon sign . Pink 's Skate Rink . What a stupid thing to name a place . Inside they sat in the farthest corner and drank diet sodas . Shari told him about how the golf course in her neighborhood was being re - done by some famous landscape architect . She made a joke about shrubbery shaped as giraffes and dolphins . ( Now , Denis looks at her , here at his daughter 's funeral , and is sorry that he didn 't laugh at her joke . He 's sorry he never called her again , but he hadn 't had any choice . He misses her sense of humor . He turns toward Elena , making sure she hasn 't noticed him staring at Shari . ) When Officer Jenkins called , the slow way he said Mr . Seldin and breathed out , pushing a wind of static through the phone , let Denis know it was bad . Denis waited to hear about how Jane had been repeatedly raped and buried in a garbage bag . Or chopped to bits by some multi - state serial killer . Or … " Some kids found her , " Officer Jenkins said . " They had snuck into a drainage ditch to smoke a joint and drink beers . " He told Denis that the kids had smelled her before they saw her . Then he apologized . " I 'm sorry , Mr . Seldin , I didn 't - " Denis grabbed one of Elena 's post - it note pads and wrote down the number . The post - it note was one with pastel hearts in the upper corners and a flowery landscape along the bottom . He stared at the post - it note and his handwriting . The numbers looked like hieroglyphics with those sky - hearts floating above them , alien and absurd . Denis put his hand on the counter and eased himself slowly to the floor and sat on the cold linoleum of the kitchen , clutching the post - it note . He tried to figure out what he would tell Elena . Officer Jenkins had said she 'd drowned , likely fell in and hit her head or went into shock from the cold water . At least Jane wasn 't raped . And don 't people go into shock when they drown in such cold water ? Don 't even feel any pain at all ? He 'd heard that somewhere . At least there was that . He promised himself he wouldn 't Google drowning or death by drowning or pain + drowning . He and Elena went to see the body . It was water - bloated , making her seem larger than she was in life , her features softened and sloppy . There wasn 't much to do . They signed the paperwork . The State would pay for an autopsy to eliminate the possibility of foul play , though preliminary results indicated none . The body would be transported to a funeral home of their choice , they were told , which sent Elena into a helpless fit of tears . And so the story had died on TV . Mystery solved . Not a murder or kidnapping , nothing exciting , just another dead girl . Next story . Next . Denis turned on the TV for days expecting to see more about his daughter 's disappearance , but it was never mentioned again . Every political rally , every car wreck , every family - dog - saves - kid - from - drowning story was an insult to Jane 's memory . Next . It got to where he couldn 't watch TV at all . If Jane 's death wasn 't news , nothing was . Elena holds her face in one hand and leans against Denis , holding onto his shoulder for support . Elena 's mother and his brothers stand behind them . Elena 's father is talking to the preacher , but Denis can 't hear what they 're saying . The grass is being stamped down , Denis notices . That can 't be good for the grass , having so many people trample all over it . Cousins , friends , Jane 's teachers and friends and basketball coach , Denis 's brothers , mostly people Denis doesn 't care about , walk past them . I 'm so sorry , they say to Denis . I 'm so sorry , they say to Elena . I 'm sorry , everyone is saying . He just wants to be at home , lying in bed silent with Elena , saying nothing but holding her , the only person in the world . It had been an April evening , and he wondered what Elena and Jane were doing . He decided on the drive home that he 'd take them out to dinner somewhere nice . " It 's such a beautiful day , " he would say when he came in the door . " Let 's celebrate . " But when he got home , Elena was sitting in her spot on the couch in the living room , but the TV wasn 't on . The lights were all off and she was sitting there doing nothing . She knows , Denis thought . Shari had finally confessed . He had known it was coming but had pretended it wasn 't going to happen . " Hey , what 's that about ? " Denis asked and clicked on a lamp . Elena looked at the lamp as if she 'd never noticed they had a lamp in that particular corner . " Don 't apologize . Just don 't , " she said , and he thought she might cry , but then her voice changed . " Everyone makes mistakes , Denis , " she said calmly , almost wisely , as if she could look at the human error he 'd made and even pity it . " I know how easy it can be . " She looked at him and smiled a sad little smile . " So , now we 're even . " " But you have to stop seeing her , " she said . " You don 't even get to call her to explain why . And I never - I mean never - want to talk about this again . Do you understand ? "
A fireball came at Joshua , Happy Face , and Michelle and exploded against a barrier that Happy hastily constructed . He 'd seen the projectile coming from behind Joshua mere seconds before it would have fried them all . But even though he blocked it , it still felt like it singed their skin . Michelle calmed down and looked at her arm . As Happy said , she wasn 't actually burned . As soon as she realized that , the pain stopped as if it had never started . Her relief was short lived , though , because in the middle of her sigh of relief , a terrifying roar shook the trees . Happy looked and confirmed that it was , indeed , a dragon . It had to be the size of a standard school bus , and it had green scales , red , glowing eyes , and a long mouth filled with dagger - like teeth . Its wings were each as long as the dragon itself , and they flapped with seemingly great power to keep it aloft . Happy charged at the dragon and hit it right between the eyes with the force of a nuclear bomb . It sent a shockwave in all directions , causing trees to shake and animals to flee in panic . Joshua and Michelle held their hands to their ears just in time to save their hearing . When they looked up again , they saw Happy standing in the air and no dragon . Intending to tell her it was too dangerous , Joshua took his first good look at Michelle and lost the desire to discourage her from being part of his adventure . She didn 't look afraid . She looked excited . So they explained everything to her . The excited look never left her face as she listened . She didn 't even notice that her friends were on the ground looking for her . Their voices barely reached where she was , but she 'd have heard them if she 'd been listening . " Oh yeah , them , " Michelle replied . " I probably should let them know I 'm all right . And make sure they 're all right after that dragon attack . I sure hope this is my life now . " Happy took them down to the ground , and they met up with Michelle 's friends , Barry and Sarah . Michelle told them that it would be dangerous for them to know everything that was going on . Of course , they didn 't accept that , and they asked questions that weren 't answered as they returned to Barry 's Jeep . " What ? " Barry asked . " You just met this guy . All you know about him is that he has magical powers . He is not the Doctor , Michelle , and you are not Rose Tyler . " " This isn 't about what I want , " Joshua said . " You shouldn 't throw away your life to go on adventures with someone you don 't know . It could be extremely dangerous . What are you studying anyway ? " " I don 't show up in pictures , " Happy said . " Besides , we should probably get going . Keep studying and traveling , Michelle . Maybe we 'll run into you when things have calmed down for us . " They took off before Michelle had time to yell , " No , wait ! " Happy didn 't hold back on the speed , so they were far from Malaysia when they stopped a few minutes later . They sat on top of a cloud above the Indian Ocean , hoping they wouldn 't be interrupted this time . " Kinda sad , but not mad . Our life is too dangerous right now to be toting other people around . So what are we going to do about that organization that wants us ? " Joshua thought about it , which was the same thing as talking to Happy about it . He didn 't want to be a lab rat , but Happy would be able to protect him if they tried anything like that . But what if they 're prepared to deal with powerful figments ? There was no way they 'd be able to subdue a figment as powerful as Happy . But how could they really know what they had in mind ? Joshua Peterson was basically stranded in Malaysia . He could use some of his figment 's powers , but he wasn 't nearly as strong . Fortunately , he was able to move much more quickly than a normal person could , and he leaped through a grassland until he came to the edge of a jungle , which was located across from a river . He really didn 't want to enter the jungle , imagining rabid monkeys and hungry jaguars . So he stayed on the grassland side of the river and leaped along it . Soon he saw a group of people in kayaks traveling along the river in the same direction he was traveling . He made bigger leaps to meet them . " Hey ! " he shouted , startling the kayakers about twenty feet away . There were three of them - a man and two women . They all appeared to be in their early twenties . " Texas ! " Joshua realized that the kayakers had English accents . When he looked at them , he somehow realized that they were students from Cornwall on Summer break . How did he know that ? " Barry ! " one of the women yelled . " We were going to relax and enjoy the scenery ! " As she said this , she included Joshua in the scenery . He was looking rugged , though in truth , he was just tired , sweaty , and hungry . Also , he hadn 't shaven in a few days , so the beginnings of a beard had begun to darken his lower jaw . They didn 't think that Joshua could keep up with them , and normally , they 'd be right . But Joshua was anything but normal , and a girl hadn 't shown interest in him since a while before he was committed . Utilizing his powers to augment his legs , he ran along the river at superhuman speeds and soon overtook the kayaking students . He kept going until he saw where they must have set off from . There was a dock and a yellow Jeep on the other side of the river . With ease , he jumped over the river and landed next to the jeep . Then he looked back at the students and realized he made a mistake . What was that ? one of them thought . At that distance , it was hard to judge whose thought it was , but Joshua heard it clearly in his mind , and he knew it had come from one of them . That guy just ran super fast and jumped across the river ! Then it struck him that he could read minds . Happy wasn 't able to do that the last time he tried . Could it be that they each had command over different aspects of their power ? Would their abilities continue to expand over time ? As Joshua stood there worrying , the students made it to the dock and disembarked . " That was awesome ! " one of the women exclaimed , both of them running up to him . The one who just spoke had blonde hair and looked a lot like Gwyneth Paltrow . " How did you do that ? " " It 's a long story , " Joshua said . " You 're better off not knowing . In fact , don 't tell anyone you saw me do that . Or that you saw me at all . It could be dangerous to you . " The man had stayed behind to bring the kayaks back . He dragged two of them from the water while the third rested three quarters of the way on the muddy bank . Joshua tried to tell what he was thinking , but he couldn 't . Instead , he felt Happy starting to wake up . It 's nice to see that you 're all right , too , Happy replied . Actually , it 's good to see that we 're not in the hospital again . Who 's the babe ? Happy became wings and zipped himself and Joshua up to the jungle canopy . The wings weren 't necessary , but Happy liked making them . In this case , however , they only served to make them even more interesting to the students . " You 're hungry , " Happy said as he took his normal form and made a platform for Joshua to sit on . " Where are we , a jungle ? There must be some fruit we can eat . " " What do you mean ? " Happy accessed Joshua 's memory . " Ah , you have your own powers that you can use when I 'm out of commission . That 's handy . Hey , you can read minds ? Why can 't I do that ? " " What the … ? " Happy said . Along with the girl , an angel emerged as well . This one was darker skinned than the other one they met , and it was male . " I am Gabriel , " he said , placing the woman on an invisible platform that he made next to Happy 's . " Peace be upon you . Forgive the intrusion , but I was commanded by almighty Allah to bring this woman to you . " " Okay . Happy is a figment of my imagination . You can see him and hear him because I 'm telepathically projecting him into your mind . Well , he 's actually doing it . " " Actually , he 's a figment , too , " Happy corrected her . " He 's the product of multiple minds . The Christian god is the same way , along with probably a lot of others . You don 't have to worship any of them . You 're taking all of this well . " " I like science fiction , " Michelle said with a shrug . " Or whatever this is . So now that I 'm yours , where do we go next ? " Joshua lowered his head and rubbed at his temples . He 'd expected Michelle to want to be helped back down so she can get back to her life and her friends . Was she joking ? Joshua was never good at telling when someone was pulling his leg . This is a rant about the show " Supernatural . " If you aren 't into it , you should probably skip this post . Also , it will probably contain spoilers , so if you haven 't seen it all up to the end of season 10 , then get to watching . It 's all on Netflix . The life of a hunter is thankless , brutal , and short . At one point , Dean gets mortally wounded , and their father sells his soul to a demon to save him . Finding out that the demon he sold his soul to is the same one who killed their mother , the brothers embark on a mission to find and kill him . They eventually do , and then they accept their father 's sacrifice without trying to find a way to bring him back . That 's all well and good , but then at one point , their friend and mentor Bobby Singer dies . They can 't save him , so they let him go . Later on , they find out that his soul was unjustly put in Hell . They go there and release his soul so he can go to Heaven , but no mention at all is made of their father , whose soul is also languishing in Hell after his deal . They also don 't try to save their half brother , who also ended up in Hell because of his part in their adventures . Maybe they didn 't try to save their dad because he legitimately sold his soul . But that didn 't stop Dean from ending up in heaven at least once after dying due to a pardon from Yahweh . Even their angel friend Castiel was saved by the whim of Yahweh . " Some people will believe anything , Happy . You really messed up . You told me you weren 't going to do anything stupid . What you did was motivated entirely by anger . That 's how you hurt people . You 're really lucky you didn 't . " Happy started to make an argument , but then he stopped and looked down . " Yeah , you 're right . It was a mistake . A bunch of mistakes . But isn 't it interesting that when you 're asleep , I 'm as strong as God ? " " I barely have enough strength now to keep us up here , " Happy said . " I think maybe I should take us down and keep resting . If you can use the power , then you should be all right while I 'm down . Just don 't overdo it . " " That 's funny advice coming from you , " Josh said with a laugh . " They 're looking for us directly under us . Set us down somewhere else . Somewhere more isolated . " " All right . " Happy took them down at an angle so that they landed about two thousand miles to the north of the hospital . There weren 't any houses nearby , just grassy fields and trees . Happy went back into his hibernation , and Joshua felt an increase in his mental energy . He looked out on the field . The sun was almost in the middle of the sky , which meant it was just before noon . Insects jumped and flew around the tall grass . It would be difficult to walk around here , so Joshua took a tip from the insects and moved in a series of telikinetically boosted leaps . He stopped when he reached a very tall tree whose lowest branch was high above his head . He reached it easily and reclined on it against the trunk . The cool , soft breeze and the warm weather soothed him to sleep . The man refused to comply , so Joshua bent the barrel toward the ground and pulled the trigger until the gun just made clicking sounds . Then he picked the man up and held him in the air in front of him . The man was clearly more scared than angry now , and he held his hands in front of him like he was praying . " Well , uh , you see . . . yes . My ancestors are buried under this tree . That 's why it grows so much taller than the rest . If you 're not a spirit , what are you ? " The man introduced himself as Muhammad . His wife was Elya . Though they wanted children , they never ended up having any , and Elya was almost too old to get pregnant . As they trudged through the long grass , Muhammad spoke at length about how much he wished he had a son to pass on his wisdom and house to . He was afraid that he 'd be forgotten after he died . Joshua was glad that the conversation was focused on Muhammad and not on himself . He wondered how long Happy would stay asleep . Muhammad 's house was surprisingly nice . Joshua had expected a small shack made of grass , but it was larger than even the house that Joshua had grown up in . It was made of wood and mud , and it had three stories . There was no front door , which made sense because nobody else lived within ten miles of them . " He might have , " Joshua said . " I don 't mean you any harm , but if I 'm found here , there could be trouble . I can 't really explain why . I should just go . " " No , " Muhammad said . " Let them come . You are my guest . Allah brought me to you for a reason , and I believe it is so I could help you . " Joshua looked at Muhammad and then at Elya . She didn 't share her husband 's faith , but she held her tongue . If he stayed , he would cause friction between them , not to mention maybe get them killed . But where else could he go while Happy Face rested ? " I have no idea . They might not come at all . I talked to some agents yesterday in a hospital that was pretty far away . I don 't think they have any way of tracking me , since I got here from the air . " " That 's not going to be necessary . I won 't let anyone hurt you or your wife . And I 'm not an angel . I have met one , though . Nice guy , once he stopped trying to kill me . I 'm just a person who , for whatever reason , can do things that should be impossible . You know what ? I 'm not actually sure what I am , but I 'm definitely not an angel , and you are not going to die because of me . " " I didn 't . I only speak English . I think we 're communicating through some kind of telepathy , and it makes it seem like we 're speaking each other 's language . " Joshua looked up and said , " Allah , if you 're listening , please talk some sense into this guy . He 's really eager to die in a battle that he doesn 't need to fight . I 'm going to leave before that becomes necessary . " Looking down , Joshua saw Muhammad on the ground with his face pressed against the floor . He wondered what was going on , but then he realized that that was how Muslims prayed . He quietly stepped outside and leaped away , covering several miles in five jumps . He was trying to fly , but he wasn 't strong enough at the moment . He would have to wait until Happy woke up . Because of his growing confidence in Happy Face 's ability to carry him , Joshua began to enjoy flying . He told his figment not to fly so quickly so he could enjoy the scenery below them , and Happy was glad to oblige . They both experienced Joshua 's amazement as he saw the world get smaller and smaller . Happy had a destination in mind , but he kept it from Joshua so it would be a surprise . They flew among migrating birds and wispy clouds . They made faces at a child in an airplane . They enjoyed a sense of freedom that nobody else ever knew . Joshua walked to the edge of the imaginary platform . Happy had made it transparent , but Joshua still knew its borders . Then he dove off , falling without fear , knowing that Happy would keep him safe . Happy took the form of white feathered wings on his back and shaped his fall into a wide spiral . They landed on the roof of a Burger King and then jumped down near the dumpster , where nobody would see them in the evening 's growing darkness . Inside , a diverse crowd of people sat at tables eating unhealthy but decently tasty burgers and chicken sandwiches . Nobody was eating fish , despite the fact that the Big Fish is one of Burger King 's best sandwiches . That 's what Joshua ordered when he and his normal - looking friend approached the counter . Once Joshua was fed , he felt much better , though he was very tired . Risking looking like a homeless person , which he was , he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and then came back out and sat with Happy . " It 's all right . You don 't need a room . Just go to sleep . I 'll take over our body for the night . " " I 'm not going to do anything stupid . Actually , when you were unconscious before , I felt a lot stronger . I 'd have beaten that angel senseless . I can probably accomplish a lot while you 're sleeping . " " Of course . It 's not like I want to hurt people . It would be senseless to waste this power on that . So just relax and have a good rest . I 'll bring us somewhere cool . " Eight hours later , Joshua awoke in a hospital bed wrapped from head to toe in bandages . He felt a strange giddiness like he was on heavy painkillers . He was hooked up to three or four IV bags and could only move his eyes . Joshua tried to remember what Happy did the previous night , but he couldn 't . It was like a dream that he 'd forgotten , except that he never remembered it . The part of his brain that did was inert . After about two hours according to the clock on the wall at the very edge of Joshua 's peripheral vision , which was the only thing in the room that moved , the door opened and in walked a young woman in a nurse 's outfit . She was Asian , which Joshua took at first to mean that he was somewhere in Asia , but there were Asian nurses all over the world , so it wasn 't a reliable clue . He tried to talk to her , but all he was able to manage was unintelligible grunts . Startled , the nurse looked at him and saw that his eyes were open . She pressed a button on the wall and shouted , " He 's awake ! " Then she ran out of the room like there was a bomb in it . " Our files show no record of you ever learning Cantonese , " the Asian man said , " but you seem to have no trouble understanding it . We realize that you can 't really talk , so just listen . We are agents William and Theodore of the Global Bureau of Celestial Events . According to witnesses at the Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption church in Rome , you entered the chapel , approached the altar , and then proceeded , quite loudly , to challenge God to a fight . When church security failed to remove you , the police were called . When the police failed to remove you , you continued to yell until angels came down . After you defeated them and destroyed the church in the process , witnesses could no longer follow what exactly happened . They describe it as a light show unlike any they had ever seen . " " Nobody was hurt , " the Caucasian said . " Mr . Peterson , the reason we were sent to speak with you is that you are still alive , and so is God . That means that you fought to a standstill . " We fought God to a standstill ? Joshua thought . That would explain why you 're out of commission , but you said you didn 't want to hurt anybody . When you wake up , you have some ' splaining to do . The Caucasian agent continued , " We want to bring you to a secure facility where we can perform a few tests . Nothing invasive . We don 't want to harm you . We have healers who can speed up your recovery and a job offer if you 're interested . " Joshua tried to get up , but all he could do was strain slightly . He looked at the clock on the wall , and it started to shake . The agents turned toward it and took out their handguns . Joshua narrowed his eyes , and the clock flew off the wall and struck both agents on the back of the head , knocking them out cold . He closed his eyes , and the bandages exploded off him in tiny pieces that coated the walls and ceiling like a big star chart . He sat up and realized that he wasn 't injured . Apparently , they wrapped him up and drugged him so he would think he couldn 't move and therefore wouldn 't struggle . What a relief that he was all right . He got out of bed and immediately fell to the floor . The effects of the painkillers weakened his muscles . Fortunately , there was a wheelchair near the window on the other side of the room . He brought it to him , climbed in , and propelled it forward with his newfound control over Happy 's power . An alarm eerily similar to the one used at the Happy Place sounded throughout the hospital . As he made his way through the hallways , large men in security and orderly uniforms came at him , only to be thrown against a wall . As soon as he saw signs directing him to the exit , he followed them and soon made it to the hospital 's main lobby . Apparently , everyone had evacuated , because Joshua didn 't see anybody there . He rolled slowly out of the hallway , following the wall toward the doors . He didn 't want to be out in the open with people trying to capture him . Halfway through the lobby , he noticed a red dot appear on his chest . He panicked and lashed out , sending out a wave of telekinetic force in all directions . Everything that wasn 't securely fastened to a surface was thrown back into a wall , and all of the windows shattered . The red dot was gone , so Joshua made a break for the exit . His legs were starting to tingle , which meant the drugs were wearing off . That didn 't matter , though , because outside , it appeared that he had been surrounded before he sent out the wave . Four police cars lay upside down , and a dozen or so police officers lay on the ground unconscious . Joshua checked to see how badly they were injured , and no one was bleeding , so he figured they 'd live . He sped through the parking lot toward the road , which was choked with strange tiny cars . " As soon as you fell asleep , I flew us as fast as I could to a little cafe in France where locals say they have the best crepes . I was going to hang around there until you woke up , but then some tourists noticed their pictures weren 't quite reflecting reality with us in them , so I flew us up to hide . They must have gotten some pictures of that , too , because more and more people kept gathering there , and it was really annoying me , so I smashed all their cameras . I didn 't hurt anyone , though . I kept you up in the clouds while I did all this so they wouldn 't think it was you doing it . " So then I felt bad about breaking all those cameras , so I took us to a church in Rome to talk to someone . I stayed in your head and talked through you so not even people with cameras would see anything weird going on . I did their confession thing , and the priest guy said I would have to say ten hail Marys and ten our fathers to be forgiven . I asked how the people whose cameras I smashed would know I said all that , and he said they 're not the ones I needed to forgive me . I asked him who , and he said God . I laughed , and then he told me to get out . I got mad again and figured I 'd show him , so I challenged his god to a duel . The rest is hazy from there , but I 'm pretty sure I beat him . " Joshua didn 't know how to respond . He sat there on top of the cloud and looked at Happy Face in disbelief . He couldn 't even be angry yet . There was too much to process . He laid down on his back , shielded his eyes from the sun , and stared off into space .
My mother and I talk on the phone . She on her end . Me on mine . Somehow I 've been wanting to check in each week . Sunday evening . There 's something sort of sweet and comforting and familiar about Sunday evening , around dinner time , just before 60 Minutes . I 'm almost always at home then and she is too . We don 't talk long because I get restless . I like to hear a little of what she has to say . I like just to hear her voice for a few minutes . She always wants to talk - about her cats , or the people she works for or neighbors or what she 's cooking . If she pauses , I often prompt her , " So how 's the disabled man in Monticello ? " And I try - now much more than I used to - to add one or two ingredients of my own to this soup . Not much , but something . And then I 'm saying something about - well , I guess I better … My sister is coming from California with her husband Steve to visit my mother for a few days . My mother lives about 50 miles from where I live here in upstate New York . My sister and her husband are coming and they will sleep at my mother 's house , but me and my mother don 't talk about that . They will come and go and I won 't see them . Once or twice over the past week I have thought maybe I will send a little birthday card or present to this sister because it 's her birthday on Saturday . I could do it . It 's like a party trick I can do well so I am sort of compelled to do it , to please her . It is so easy to buy someone a present . My mother likes to give presents . It 's harder not to . I thought about it as I raked leaves on Sunday . When I do things like that I always think of my mother , or my family . I guess it 's the only other time I 've watched or done yard work . Both my parents did things outside , though never together and always in very different ways - my father liked the lawnmower . My mother liked kneeling in the dirt , digging with a trowel , transplanting things she 'd dug up from the side of the road . And I thought about this thing with my sisters as I drove home tonight too and tPosted by I stumbled upon this book , written in the early seventies by a man who came of age in the thirties . It is beautiful and brilliant and delicate . And here is a very small piece of it that particularly moved me and I thought worth sharing with all who have a passion for writing their lives . " In all the questioning about what makes a writer , and especially perhaps the personal essayist , I have seen little reference to this fact ; namely , that the brain has become a kind of unseen artist 's loft . There are pictures that hang askew , pictures with outlines barely chalked in , pictures torn , pictures the artist has striven unsuccessfully to erase , pictures that only emerge and glow in a certain light . They have all been teleported , stolen , as it were , out of time . They represent no longer the sequential flow of ordinary memory . They can be pulled about on easels , examined within the mind itself . The act is not one of total recall like that of the professional mnemonist . Rather it is the use of things extracted from their context in such a way that they have become the unique possession of a single life . The writer sees back to these transports alone , bare , perhaps few in number , but endowed with a symbolic life . He cannot obliterate them . He can only drag them about , magnify or reduce them as his artistic sense dictates , or juxtapose them in order to enhance a pattern . One thing he cannot do . He cannot destroy what will not be destroyed ; he cannot determine in advance what will enter his mind . " Posted by Bennett is due at our house at 6 o ' clock . I leave work early . It 's almost dark as I pull out of the large but rural parking lot and drive down the road through the woods that leads out to the main artery that will lead me to the next main road and the next all the way home . I am watching the temperature gauge , that white needle that this morning was starting to swing way up to the mid - point and even a little past it . I had turned tense this morning , watching that needle , visions of the car exploding in my mind , willing the car to keep going , get me to work . It did , but now it 's time to make the return trip . Within a few minutes , the needle is climbing and I feel my face tense into a mask . I turn off the radio - my source of distraction and pleasure - so that if the car starts making an unfamiliar sound I 'll hear it right away . Cars don 't explode , do they ? I 've never heard of one exploding . People haven 't been warning me about that since I was a child . And they would have if it were a real possibility , right ? Cars just die if they get too hot , right ? But all that gasoline … This is one of those times I wish I had a cell phone . When I turn left at the Exxon station I crane my neck in the opposite direction of where I am turning , trying to see if they have a mechanics area . No , just the convenience store . I start across the bridge , a mile and a half ( I know because I measured it once ) spanning the Hudson River . There are several phones along the bridge . If I break down here and make a call , people passing will think I 'm on the verge of suicide . That 's what the phones are for . People do jump off this bridge . A friend of mine saw someone hanging from the George Washington Bridge a couple months ago . I cross this bridge twice a day and often think - not of actually wanting to stop and jump myself - but I think of it . I think of how I read once in an article about Golden Gate jumpers that hitting the water is like hitting cement - a survivor said so . Another survivor spoke about the flash of MartaSzabo In the very early 80s I went to the supermarket one afternoon with my father , out in suburbia where he was still living with my mother . They were going from one rental to another after selling the house that had held us together , selling it - a fire sale - to pay creditors , and now my parents - my father jobless , my mother going from one babysitting gig to the next . I am in New York City . I have quit publishing and the 9 - 5 world and I am doing yoga now almost full - time and learning about things like raw food and juicing and I wear baggy violet cotton pants and spaghetti strap cotton camisoles and my body is elastic . I am powerful in that elasticity . My father says something about how maybe he will go back to Hungary . My father seems like such a loser to me . I watch him having to have a drink every day . I watch him always wanting to lose weight , always eating - and I know so much . It 's easy for me not to eat . I have this unique group of friends in the city . We run a yoga school together and we are friends like no one else is friends . We are doing some kind of great work , something Natvar - who started the school - has really mastered and will teach us . Us . Anjani : small , and white - haired , dark - skinned and pretty . Me . Tracy . Mark . Eve . David . When we see each other we kiss on the lips . We are a little dizzy , like being in love . I bounce into the school , having tied up my bicycle down below and when it gets stolen I say it doesn 't matter - and Natvar laughs with delight that I can be so casual . Natvar makes sure we clean down into the tiniest cracks , and he makes sure that Anjani brings up the lights on the dimmer and brings them back down just right during class , and makes sure that the books in the little bookstore - just a set of pretty display shelves that Natvar built before I got here - makes sure each book is laid out with equal space between each one and dusted though no one ever buys . Hardly anyone comes to our classes besides us . When my father says something about going to Hungary , I MartaSzabo I am in the loft on 28th Street , between 7th and 8th , on the south side . The ceiling is high - a tin ceiling , imprinted with a pattern , something from the 19th century . There is thick burgundy carpet under my feet . We take great pride in this carpet . Or Natvar does . I take great relief . The day it was installed , the months of construction were over . Natvar is proud because he says he got a bargain because he impressed the head of the carpet company so much . It does look beautiful . Before the carpet everything looked rough . Now I wear skirts here , mostly a narrow navy blue skirt that reaches past my knees . It is a hand - me - down from Regina and made of light wool . Natvar approves of it . I wear a pink blouse made of well - ironed cotton . It has pleats down the front and buttons in the back . I bought this . I liked it . Some clothes make me look pretty and some don 't . I thought the blouse did , though it 's prim . It 's not the thriftstore clothes I used to buy , the army / navy surplus , the funny jackets . I 've always been very purposeful in what I wear though it doesn 't always look that way . I liked to look elegant by accident . But I dress differently now . Natvar didn 't like my big ballooney drawstring pants . In the beginning he liked everything about me . He seemed to delight in me - we made each other feel good . But now I come up short all the time . I never do anything right . I am ugly , my clothes embarrass him . He wants me wearing clothes from Regina , wants me dressed up , even made up , and I try very hard . I do look ugly now . He 's right . And these clothes and this makeup only seem to emphasise it . But I don 't know how to see . I am standing alone here , moving towards the front door . I am alone in the mornings . Tracy goes to work for Regina in her apartment . I guess I couldn 't be spared . I 'm Natvar 's secretary . He says I 'm terrible at it . But Tracy is our little one , my little sister kind of - about six years younger than me - pert , brunette , petite . She has left her home on Long Island and her yMartaSzabo My sister sends a purple batik silk square from India . The other sister sends me a copy of a paperback book she thinks I should read called Women Who Love Too Much . I am touched by both gifts . I try , but cannot read the book . I speak to mymother on the phone in Lisa 's living room - the living room of the flat I am sharing . The telephone is by the window which looks out into a small inner courtyard that provides light , but not much else . I have never stepped into that courtyard . I think maybe it is possible to do so through Lisa 's bedroom , but perhaps it is sealed off completely . It has no plants , no bench , no fountain . I am glad to hear my mother 's voice , to be able to reassure her that I am back , that I never really meant to go away , that it was a mistake . I want her to know that after many years of hiding from and lying to her , I am me again . She says her sister has just died , that she is going to British Columbia for the funeral . Sometimes I sit in the living room and kitchen which are quite large , spacious and complete with things like a video player , comfortable adult furniture , the " mod - cons " as the London ads call them - modern conveniences . I sit with Lisa and her brother Julian . Lisa has long dark thick curly hair . She is pretty , not terribl smart . She has just bought a microwave and likes to talk about how great it is to come home after word and cook a whole chicken in half an hour . She is having a semi - affair with her boss who gets calls from his wife on the mobile phone in his car when he is giving her rides home . She will let him touch her large breasts , but does not let his hands go further . Julian is handsome and trim , arrogant , sure of himself . When I need to buy pot the night Jeffrey arrives I call Julian and he comes to our door - Jeffrey and I are not staying in my room . We are staying in an exquisitely appointed townhouse that I didn 't know about until the drive back from the airport - a townhouse with several floors , drapes , polished furniture - everything cleaned , ready andPosted by I am in a room where I can close the door . That 's all I want . A room where I can close the door . This one makes me feel like a princess because attached to it , through a second door , is my own bathroom that I do not share with anyone else . It is tiny , but it sparkles it is so new and white and I keep it that way every second because even though he is invisible Natvar is still with me , watching . " How dirty you are . How sloppy . Look at you . Disgusting . " And so I keep it clean clean clean . You 'd think no one ever used that little bathroom . And my clothes are folded on the shelves in the closet like Aliki 's clothes are kept - as if this were the model , this is how it must be done , how it is done best , proof that I am not ill or damaged . My clothes are folded like they are in department stores . I must stay amongst those who do things correctly . I must work hard , make that effort . If I don 't I will slip and slide and be lost amongst the worthless . Peach . The cover for the bed I buy is peach . I take delight in the smoothness of the color , of the fabric , bright in the drab simple room that has one window below the sidewalk . It is September and London and the light is always waning , the sky often grey , but grey in a way that makes the colors complicated . Most days I walk in the park , looking at the shape of black leafless branches against the sky , the water of the pond with the straw - colored rushes , the gravel I walk on . I am eating with my eyes as if I have been starved for a long time . I do the unthinkable and buy watercolors and two brushes , a thick one , a small one and sit at the heavy desk below the window that looks up at people 's legs and I make colors on a white dinner plate and delight when I make a new mysterious blue , a green that has many greens inside of it . I dab the colors on paper . I don 't really paint pictures . I try the branches once - black against the sky - but not in London , a few months later one evening alone in Manhattan . I sit at the dining room table that no one ever eats at , hPosted by I slammed the door . It was metal and it clanged in the empty corridor in which I never saw any of the other doors open , where I never saw another person waiting for the elevator , as if I lived on a stage set of a corridor thirteen floors above street level in which only one apartment had people in it . I went to the stairwell . It was a lot of stairs to descend , but I couldn 't risk standing by the elevator . he might come out , start talking to me , get me to change my mind . He could always do that . He could always get me to change my mind , do what he wanted . I thought he should have been a lawyer . He could make a case for anything . A few weeks ago he had told me that we were invited to some friends for dinner , people I didn 't know very well . On the way home , I brought home a pie from a fancy bakery to take with us . " No , don 't bring it , " he said . I really wanted to . Finally , he said , " I want it . Don 't take it . I want it . " On the way to the subway I was ready to stop for flowers to bring instead . I hated the idea of showing up with nothing . " Why don 't you wait til we 're nearer their house ? " he said . We argued . He won . Finally , on the subway , he showed me the two tickets he had hidden in his pocket - Bruce Springsteen at Madison Square Garden . That 's where we were going . I told the story the next day at the office to the older woman I had become friendly with , emphasizing the surprise part of the story , but she didn 't smile . " Didn 't you think something was up ? " she asked , puzzled . No , I hadn 't . Those little arm twists were normal . I had come about six months ago . Come back after seven years , seven years spent mostly with Natvar in a nightmare . Coming back to New York City , leaving Europe , coming back to the States and to this boyfriend had seemed so fairytale like . When , back in London , I told my friend Aliki that I had suggested to Jeffrey that I come back and live with him again , she said , " You shouldn 't have done that . " Aliki was so old I paid attention when she said things like Posted by I ordered a book secondhand off the internet a month or two ago , a memoir by a woman who had grown up with Krishnamurti being almost her surrogate father . Krishnamurti was originally from India , a boy picked out by the theosophists as an avatar , a holy being , and a man who retained that aura all his life though he put down gurus and spiritual movements in general . It was fairly interesting and I was fully expecting to finish it - not word for word all the way through , but at least a thorough skim - when it disappeared from my living room the day that Mari cleaned the bookshelves . I did read one line in it though that has stuck with me . A friend of Krishnamurti , not Krishnamurti himself , says to the child that she should not kill anything - not even little bugs . " Their life is as precious to them as yours is to you . " But I killed the mosquito at breakfast this morning . It had already bitten me once and was hovering , getting ready for more and though I knew it valued its life etc . I killed it . In yoga they taught us that everybody has billions of lives and that if you kill a bug you can actually be doing it a favor , allowing it to be reborn , hopefully as something with a little more staying power and therefore a greater chance at etc . I liked that theory , that souls come back in different forms . I still like it . Sometimes it explains things that nothing else does . But , while I used to accept reincarnation as true because they said so , I now admit I have no idea and I don 't think anyone else does either . I was driving with my friend Yolanda . She was driving . It was a Saturday morning and she had picked me up to spend a few hours at her house helping her organize her office . She does a lot of things to make a living , one of them is to teach hatha yoga , the form of yoga that most people have heard of by now . You can buy sticky mats in supermarkets . " I have to really watch myself , " she said as we drove down Rock City Road . " Sometimes I hear the things I say in my yoga classes - I have to be careful . " HePosted by It 's funny how my parents , right from the start , from when I first became aware of them , before the two other children were born , when grown - ups were huge , strange creatures , a different species , when my legs stuck straight out when I sat in one of their chairs instead of folding nicely over the edge so that they could be crossed the way adults crossed them - back then I saw my parents as in conflict , in a battle , straining in different directions and against each other . I placed the blame on my mother and tried to make up for her limitations . Otherwise , daddy might leave . I knew he wanted to , could sense his restlessness and eagerness to be gone . And he did go . He was the one who got to leave . On business trips . With great fanfare - the luggage , the passport , the airport , his flushed excitement . He was the one who got to leave . I wanted to leave too . Just like dad . And I did . First chance I got . Nine years old , eagerly showing up for boarding school that was trickier territory than " High Jinks at St . Claire 's " or " More Fun at Mallory Towers " had prepared me for . So when my parents divorced in their sixties it was meaningless , just a signing of papers . But my father calls my mother every weekend . She sends him Christmas and birthday presents and a little extra cash now and then . They turned out to be together forever , not creating - well , they did create separate lives - but never really letting each other go . Maybe because they 're in separate countries they can be so close . I posted the first piece I wrote this weekend , the one from Friday evening , up on my random stories blog . I titled it " Harrassment . " Within half an hour two responses had come in , both threatening . One says , " It 's only just begun . " As I put the mugs out on the counter I noticed my hands were trembling . I imagined them starting to harangue my mother . I even imagined the stress of it shortening her life . It will freak her out if she gets much wind of all this . She 's trying hard to glide through her last years making Posted by I was in a workshop recently , an evening organized by some friends and offered to me free of charge . At one point you were supposed to speak as if a year or two had passed and you were bringing people up - to - date on what had happened in your life . " Well , you all saw Oprah , I guess , " I said when my turn came . Yeah , I could dig all that , the big exposure , talking about Authentic Writing while Oprah sits next to me with a make - believe expression of interest on her face . I could dig all that and sometimes it feels like it 's going to happen . " You 're going to be famous ! " my friend Dinah said as we sat outside the Café Reggio , meeting up for the first time in thirty - five years . She had no doubt and when she said it I didn 't either . I have imagined being one of those people who is famous for a little while and then disappears from view for the rest of their lives . And the whole fame thing ? I don 't know . Yes , I 'm reaching for it though not in the way that people who are really serious about it reach for it - like Madonna who is really famous just for being famous . Some of the emailers accuse me of only wanting fame , and that is so obviously off - the - mark . They aren 't reading what I 've written . They 're freaking out . I called Dinah the other day . She lives in New Zealand so I don 't do it often . Her British voice came through on the answering machine - neither she , nor her husband , nor her three kids were home . I 'd been feeling down , suddenly devoid of energy , a strange feeling , and I was looking forward to her great comfort . I didn 't tell her that on the message though . It was the day the first real avalanche of bad emails was coming in . Fred was away . I didn 't want to think that the cacophony of witch - hunters had anything to do with how I was feeling that day , but it was hard to ignore the synchronicity . I had woken up with a muscle inside one of my shoulder blades freezing up so that by afternoon I was having a hard time turning my head . I wandered into town , something I like to do when I ' mPosted by It was very important to my father what he could tell other people about what I was doing . it seemed to me that he just wanted to be able to say , " My daughter is at Barnard , " or " She is an editor , " or " She is married and has two children . " Things like that . I could tell by the way he reported on the offspring of his business acquaintances . Big Judy comes to mind . Big Judy was around in my childhood , the only daughter of a Hungarian couple with whom my parents were pretty good friends . We 'd go visit them in Philadelphia and the Poconos . they 'd come to see us - in Armonk , even down in Virginia I remember Big Judy coming to stay with us . Big Judy was three years older than me - - almost precisely - and could beat me at practically everything . She wore glasses . I yearned for glasses , thinking they 'd boost my adult qualifications , lying to the eye doctor about what I could and could not see , and even stealing some empty frames when my mother was in the eyeglasses store . Now Big Judy is a professor of archaic Viking languages at a university in northern England . I haven 't spoken to her for about thirty - five years and my parents have almost lost touch with hers . But my father will mention from time to time Judy 's fabulous accomplishments that are so easy to define and I can feel his sense of something missing when he looks at me , that he is really looking at himself , wondering how on earth to tie the scramble of loose ends that are his life into a perfectly presentable package . He lives in Budapest now . He has for the last almost twenty - five years . He went there kind of to take a break and think things over and no better option ever presented itself and now he finds himself stuck there , looking at death , planning for it . In my mother 's note to me last week she said how my aunt - who lives with my dad , her brother - with the assistance of my baby sister - is planning how to prepare for the time when - - my mother details in her note to me - my father will need someone to come in and bathe him , how tPosted by It 's been a long time since I 've written . About three weeks . My life Is changing shape for the first time in seven years and I am not so often in our weekly groups , working on other projects , some that bring in some direct income , some that promise to . Yesterday I had to thumb through all the stories I have posted on - line . Not the guru book , but my other blog . I had to go through those stories , ferreting out a small flood of vile comments that landed there , sprinkled amongst the different stories . I saw all these pages of stories . It made me a little sad for a moment . Like , oh no , my writing life is over . I felt how precious all that writing is . And it 's always different to look backwards and marvel at all the writing that managed to make it through , and to look forward into emptiness . Will there really be more writing ? How will I write if I get the full - time job I interviewed for last Wednesday , dressed in that super - sharp navy linen suit that I 'd found for $ 10 at Woodstock 's consignment shop . Even my friend who met me right afterwards for a walk in the public gardens expressed a little surprise when she first saw me . I think I definitely looked like someone who wanted that job . I do want it , but it feels very strange - strange and exciting - to be possibly on the brink of a full - time job again . I have images in my head of actually worrying about other people 's projects - or , not worrying about them , but suddenly my head being filled with other people 's endeavors instead of my own . I sort of feel like I will be an actor . I will go step into someone else 's play , but it actually feels like a role I 'd like . I cold get into it . They haven 't offered it to me yet , but at the beginning of the interview the woman was saying that she 'd be inviting some people back for a second interview , and by the end of my interview she was saying she 'd like me to come back . But I haven 't even gotten that call yet . I hope I get it on Monday . When I spoke to my mother on the phone I told her I was having this Posted by A voice mail from a man whose name and number don 't show up on the caller ID . He says he 's been reading my blog with great interest and that if I need legal help to call him . His message is hard to plumb - his voice is polite , friendly , but also not frank and casual . You can tell he 's not showing all his cards . I save his message . A friend says she 'll call a local journalist . She thinks the ashram 's threat is newsworthy . Jonathan emails at 7 a . m . , advising me to tell the agent who 's looking at my submission about the threat . He thinks it 'll help . Part of me wants to fold up the drama into a tiny wad of paper , make it disappear and me along with it . Not most of me wants this , but I feel the strong urge to shrink back into the shadows , an urge that for a long time seemed like something good people , pious people , would follow . Let me stand in the shadows until someone peers into the darkness and notices me . That 's what I must wait for . Anything else would be unseemly . Now I push back against that urge to disappear and pretend I am not here . It reminds me of my mother . Lots of things remind me of my mother . The way I worry about money , how even when I have it I am thinking that it won 't last . My father went bankrupt . First , he spent a lot of money . Mostly in the life he had when he wasn 't at home . He had two lives and he liked the one that was separate from us better . in some ways . But he liked to come back to the house to rest and recoup . He brought a leather handbag home once . He tried to use it for a little while . It was the seventies and I think there was a brief fashion attempt to get men to carry handbags . He decided to call up one of those companies that publishes your book for you . He didn 't try to find an agent . I think he submitted it perhaps to one contact , someone his doctor knew and when that didn 't work there was no way he was going to go through the humiliating process of trucking that manuscript around . He 'd do it himself . He gave himself a party at the Waldorf Astoria and invited abPosted by I got a letter from my aunt today . She 's my namesake . Her name is Marta . She 's my father 's younger sister , his only sibling . They were such a picture - perfect family . I 've seen the photos - my grandfather seated way over on one side , gruff , in a suit . Seated way over on the other side , my grandmother - pretty white curls , slim , dignified , faint smile . My aunt - pretty and dark haired draped near her dad , smiling . And my dad - handsome and suave in a suit - standing over his mother . All in sepia tones . My aunt never writes to me . She doesn 't speak much English , but this is a full typed page with some handwritten additions . She explains that she got her goddaughter to translate . It 's all about the apartment and what they should do with it . It 's all about money and how the two of them - my aunt and my father are roommates - will live . I 'll have to read it again to get the details , but I think my aunt is saying she has enough money for herself . So I guess that leaves my dad . She 's asking if I can send money . Otherwise , they might have to sell the apartment . Her grandparents bought it in 1928 . The bank is threatening to take my house back so I can 't help with theirs . I will send a nice letter . I 'll write about how I do love that apartment , but I don 't love it that much . and even if I did it 's beyond my reach . She says that she and my father don 't agree on what to do with the place , how to proceed . It seems like she 's writing behind his back , but his signature appears at the bottom too . At least , I think it 's his signature . I looked closely . This geographic distance between my father and me and my aunt is more than just geography . It 's not a coincidence that we live on different continents . My father says he never intended to be cut off like this , but he was cut off all along , even when we lived in one house . I think of us , say , at the dining room table in the Armonk house . This was the house I 'd known since I was three , though we hadn 't lived there solidly . We 'd move away , Posted by Boy , that was a strange conversation with my mother last night . My mother lives next door to the ashram in a community of people still loyal to the ashram and the guru that I 'm writing about . My mother goes every Sunday morning to chant the Guru Gita , a one - and - a - half - hour Sanskrit chant that I used to do every morning with a few hundred others before breakfast , before dawn . My mother doesn 't chant in the ashram . People are not allowed to visit the ashram anymore so the local devotees have organized their own Guru Gita . It 's on Sunday morning in someone 's home or office and then they hang out for breakfast together , bringing food . My mother often cooks something and brings it . Pretty much all her friends are devotees . My mother is not the pious sort . This is her first religion . But now and then in conversation she 'll surprise me and refer to Gurumayi as if she were a compass point , as a source of truth , as god . On Monday morning this guy from the ashram , calling from about one mile from where my mother lives , called me to tell me to take my guru blog down or they 'll go after me legally . " Okay , " I said , hung up and went on with preparing the three chapters I was going to put up the next morning , and then , because eof the call , I added another chapter that otherwise would have waited a week , a chapter about the weird , ultra - secret rituals we did in the ashram to try and prevent the New York article form coming out . A couple of days go by , filled with messages form the internet , offers of support - financial and otherwise - should I need legal help . And I figure I better call my mother . It had been two weeks - that 's about as long as I ever let it go , plus I thought she must have caught wind of all this . I better check in . My mother wanted only to talk about the little girl next door , the zucchini recipe my sister was sending , the new job she was starting tomorrow . I went along with the chit chat , thinking , okay , maybe I just have to break in and say something , but it was as if my mother was buildinPosted by We moved to Virginia in the middle of first grade just after Kennedy got shot . I didn 't know it then , but we were moving to Virginia because my father had taken a job in the State Department and was all excited to be part of the Kennedy administration , and then a week or two before we depart Kennedy is killed , so the whole move began , I guess , on the wrong foot . We stayed two years . I was six and seven and eight , and it seemed like a long time to me then . We lived in five different places during those two years . I had my tonsils out , went to two schools and my mother gave birth to my second sister . A disappointment . I 'd been hoping for a brother . My grandmother from British Columbia visited for the birth . My grandparents from Hungary came out of Communist Hungary for two visits , or maybe just one . I played at being a cripple - walking awkwardly on sticks the way the blonde girl , Claudia , walked in our second - grade class . I was envious of her crutches . They seemed exotic , interesting . The last place we lived was a skyscraper and it felt temporary even to me , a little like staying in a hotel . I had never lived in an apartment before . I liked it . I liked the elevator with the buttons you pressed and the pool downstairs I could go to by myself and I liked the way there was a gang of kids and we could roam around the building , doing what we wanted . We could buy PayDay candy bars in the lobby . We could meet in the basement and look at Playboy magazines . I started piano lessons that summer with a woman in the building . I had two books - one for playing , one for learning how to read music . I practiced on a toy electric organ that I 'd had since I was three . The teacher was angry when she heard after a few weeks that this was all I 'd been practicing on . When we left the apartment and came back to our old house in New York , my mother got a second - hand piano with a tall straight back and put it in a corner of the living room by where the stairs went up . I had asked for a long time to take piano lessons , but now I didn Posted by te My mother lives in a small white clapboard house . When I drove up last week I noticed the paint is peeling . It needs a new paint job . I wish I could offer to have her house re - painted . I remember when it was done a few years ago , how good and bright it looked . I hate the sad way the paint is peeling now , that hopeless sign that there isn 't money to fix it . It hurts me , this sense that she might be feeling any pain at all , and at the same time I know it 's crazy - my mother doesn 't care if her paint is peeling , just like I don 't care much that mine is . Our peeling paint doesn 't make either of us suffer , just my seeing hers does . There 's a small stretch of grass in front of my mother 's house and then the road and then a large fake - Tudor house directly opposite . Inside the Tudor house lives a couple in their young mid - fifties and their adopted daughter . The couple is a little bit like my mother 's kids - they often act like a daughter and a son - in - law - and the little girl is the closest my mother has to a grandchild . The girl has real red hair . She is nine years old and pretty big for her age . They 've had her since she was a few months old . The woman and the little girl are going to move to Iowa where the woman 's parents live . The parents have each had strokes and the woman wants to go take care of them . She has always at least half - wanted to move back to Iowa and the country land where her original family is . The husband doesn 't want to go . He is going to stay . They will visit once a month . They say they are not separating or getting a divorce . It makes me a little nervous . I guess because having the couple and the little girl across the street has always seemed to me part of the fragile structure that has come into being almost of its own accord , the structure that takes care of my mother . When I arrive my mother is ironing for the woman across the street , something she does for pay . She keeps ironing as I sit on the couch and look at old photographs she found lately - pictures of my grandmPosted by When I left L . A . it was a little like awakening from a dream - at least for awhile . I 'd gone to L . A . with Jeffrey because I had nothing else to do and he wanted to be a movie director . I 'd stayed there three years . I had often wanted to leave , but that took money and I never had any after pay day . And then my publishing job invited me to go back with the company to New York City . I didn 't hesitate for a second . Yes , I said , count me in . I want to go back to Manhattan . I never liked this palm tree town . And buy my plane ticket and pay for my records and my books and my stereo to all go back with me . It was a dream come true . It wasn 't so easy getting out of L . A . Jeffrey made a huge fuss . When he didn 't like things I did he had a way of throwing them back to me as crimes , like all of a sudden he loved me in ways I 'd never imagined and I must be the most cold - hearted person in the world . So he had me crying a lot and freezing up into depressions , trying to twist my insides so that when they showed they looked right , but I made it out of town because the company was waiting and even Jeffrey couldn 't take on the company . So I flew out of town in February 1981 , 23 years old , reading The French Lieutenant 's Woman and seeing someone with a Walkman for the first time on that plane . I thought it would be so easy . Slide into Manhattan , join the crowds with their brand new Walkmans on the sidewalk . They would propel me along with them . But the very first night , my first night back in Manhattan , I am in my friend Thea 's apartment . She is out of town and letting me stay a few nights and she 's not that great a friend like I had once thought . She 's a Vogue model now , traveling round the world and buying $ 500 cowboy boots in Soho when she feels like it . Her apartment is a squalid , dark studio on Sixth Avenue just north of Eighth Street and I 'm stranded . I don 't know why . Now that I 'm here , it doesn 't seem so easy to go out and join those crowds on the sidewalk . They will not take me in . I call Jeffrey Posted by During the last of my three years living in L . A . with Jeffrey a book came out called Sugar Blues . It was about 1980 when this book came out , a paperback with a dark blue cover . Jeffrey told me about it . " Maybe that 's why you 're depressed all the time , " he said . " You should try not eating sugar and see if it helps . " Jeffrey was a repository for new - frontier psychological theories . When I first met him , a few years before when he was 19 and I was 18 he suggested I go see a shrink . The possibility had never ever occurred to me . But Jeffrey said he saw one and I could too , and it wouldn 't cost anything if I went to the school clinic . Jeffrey was a Psych major . Not because he wanted to be a shrink but , I think , because it was an easy major and he was mostly interested in things like the effects of hallucinogens . He liked being told how people 's minds worked and being able to explain things . His sister - almost his twin - was getting her PhD in Psych , on an unambivalent express path to becoming a shrink . She added generously to Jeffrey 's stock of theories . I was about 23 when Jeffrey told me about Sugar Blues . No one had ever said anything bad about sugar before except that it made you fat , of course , and gave you cavities . But depression ? That seemed so weird . " You have to stop eating any sugar , " Jeffrey said , throwing a bottle of coke into the freezer , and of course I had to try . Otherwise , it would look like I wanted to be unhappy . Maybe it was that simple too . Maybe I just had to stop eating sugar . I reached for crackers at the office , then thought to look at the list of ingredients . They had sugar in them . Most of the things I picked up to eat - even if they weren 't sweet - ended up having sugar in the list of ingredients . I thought if I swallowed any at all I 'd be guilty of welcoming depression . I got up early in the morning to be at work by 9 . Jeffrey stayed in bed . He didn 't have an office to go to . He could spend all day in this one - bedroom cottage with the wall - to - wall lime - coloPosted by I write , then come up for air , then look at what I have unearthed . It usually looks like just a handful of dust , not worth much . I could easily toss it out and forget about it . But I don 't . Not anymore . I add it to the pile . I am not sure what I am building , but this is all I have . For some reason , it is my most precious thing , the one thing that feels purely my own . In addition to regular workshops in Woodstock , NY , I offer one Authentic Writing workshop a month in Manhattan , always on a Saturday morning . If you want to write or to deepen the writing you are doing , please come along ! We meet at TRS , 40 Exchange Place , 3rd Floor . You will take home a great deal of writing plus the momentum and enthusiasm to continue . For more info : AuthenticWriting . com
In 1951 a woman called Henrietta Lacks died in Baltimore , USA . These are cells from her body . They were taken from her just before she died . They have been growing and multiplying ever since . There are now billions of these cells in labs across the world . If massed together they would span more than 105 kilometers and weigh 400 times Henrietta 's original body weight . The cells have helped to develop vaccines and further our understanding of cancer , HIV and AIDS , and the behaviour of human cells in general . Images from Wikipedia Cells are taken from her tumours . They are sent to a lab run by scientist George Otto Gey . He creates the first immortal human cell line by isolating one of Henrietta 's cells and repeatedly dividing it , so it can be used for experiments . Henrietta 's cells continue to multiply quickly and aggressively . The samples are packaged and sold to labs across the world for scientific research . They are called HeLa cells after Henrietta 's first and last names . A geneticist accidentally spills chemicals on HeLa cells at a lab in Texas . They instantly grow in size and untangle themselves , making them more visible under the microscope . 1955 Joe Hin Tjio and Albert Levan use HeLa cells to identify that humans have 46 chromosomes . Before this it was believed to be 48 . In another scientific milestone , HeLa cells are the first human cells to be successfully cloned . Biologist Leigh Van Valen claims the HeLa cells are " no longer human " because they don 't behave like human cells . Some scientists consider them an entirely new species . 2001 He 'd wasted it staring into the mid - distance , focusing neither on the automated video playlist that had started with AC / DC and somehow finished with Wham ! , or the book that had ended up closing itself . In three hours he 'd got up once to put the kettle on . But he 'd not listened out for it boiling , so he didn 't get up a second time to make the cup of tea . Everything he did that day had been half - arsed . Still , it would soon be time to rest . It was very late . Before he went to bed he decided to check his Facebook . He opened his laptop and fired up his browser . He tapped the F key and the URL filled itself out . Then he hit Return . He looked at his friends ' posts . Most of them were just updates about which restaurant or bar they were at . Or to say what they thought of the latest person to get booted off whatever reality show they were watching . Or links to sponsorship pages for charity runs or bike rides . He was about to close his browser when he saw her . He recognised her almost straight away , even from the little thumbnail photo . It was the smile . When she smiled you could tell she was holding herself back , giving nothing away . A kind of Mona Lisa smile . He looked at her name . It was down as Stephanie . He 'd always known her as Stef . With an f . He clicked on her picture and went to her profile . He wanted to see what other photos she had on there . She was married now with a family . There were albums of her on holiday , at a theme park , and dressing up for Halloween . There were other albums of her on nights out with her mates , on girls ' holidays , and at weddings . She was always smiling . Smiling that smile he remembered . It was special . He yawned and rubbed his eyes , half asleep in his seat , until he spotted something that woke him right back up again . It was another picture , but a picture from back in the day . Old pictures like that take you right back , but this one especially , because it was him that took it . He and Stef had rented a cottage in the middle of nowhere with some uni mates , to celebrate the end of the year . There were about eight of them , and they were all going home for Christmas , so they 'd decided to do something different - and get pissed together somewhere random . That 's how they ended up booking this cottage . It was freezing , but sunny and crisp , and there was no one else around . It was nice . He 'd taken loads of cool photos , mainly of the lochs near the cottage , and a few group shots of everyone in a line with a forest in the background . Stuff like that . It all went up on Facebook . But with this photo , he remembered exactly what he was thinking at the time . It was the last one he took before everyone went home . It was the morning they checked out . They had to check out at 10am , so everyone looked a little rough . The sun was in everyone 's eyes . No one looked like they wanted their picture taken . In fact one guy looked like he was going to throw up . He remembered everyone getting into position for the photo . He was stood next to Stef , at the back . Everyone was up close , but they were up close in a way that said : " I want you . " Everyone else was talking but them , who were pretending to listen , but were really having their own little moment . Nothing had happened between them on the trip . They 'd got drunk together and chatted to other people , played sharades , cooked . But now was the best part . There was something in the air . He remembered how excited he was that she seemed interested in him . Most people in the photo looked weird . They were making ' Ch ' , ' eee ' , or ' zzz ' faces after all . He looked at their expressions and laughed . But she , Stef , wasn 't saying " cheese " . She was just looking at the lens , through to him . She looked beautiful . Her eyes were narrowed and her smile was turned up at one end of her mouth , as if she was speaking to him both then and now , saying : " Dude , I love you . " She was on her own in the photo , and there was a space next to her where he had stood , before he agreed to take it . The next morning he woke up on the sofa . Dawn 's blue glow crept in from behind the curtains . He opened his eyes slowly and saw feet standing nearby . He turned his head . It was Stef . " Morning , " he said . But she didn 't reply . He was in the living room . Their living room , where he must have drifted off . With his laptop on his lap . It was boiling . Excuse me . Are you from around here ? I 'm looking to go on a nice walk . Can you point me in the right direction ? I 've seen the Public Footpath signposts , and I know Tourist Information 's just around the corner , but I was hoping to go somewhere off the beaten track . You know , somewhere only locals know , through word of mouth . Somewhere that 's not written down in any guidebooks . Somewhere no one 's ever taken a selfie and shared it to Instagram . Somewhere I can feel excited to be in on a secret between the nature and the residents living here . I should say , I don 't want to be walking for ages . But then again I want a bit of a challenge . Look at what I 'm wearing - I want to feel that I dressed appropriately for the walk . I don 't want to be sweating buckets before I 'm halfway around and have to carry my coat . But on the other hand I don 't want to wish I 'd worn another pair of socks because of the cold . I 'm only wearing one pair , just so you know . I don 't want to be scrambling up mountain tops or anything like that . I want the destination to be fairly easy to get to . Not a walk where I 'm constantly wondering ' did she definitely say South South East ? ' but one where I only have to remember like three clear directions . The white pebble path , the horse field , and the tree house , for example . A general orientation and a few landmarks are all I want to bear in mind . A walk , not a hike . Difficulty level 5 / 10 . I need to think a few things over , you see . That 's the whole reason I 'm here wanting to walk . I want to figure some stuff out . I want to focus my mind outward while I do that , because that 's how they say people make good decisions . And God knows I need to make a good decision here . If I were at home I 'd just get lazy and not want to change anything , but I 've come all the way out here to be have a word with myself and be brave , for my own sake . It 's to do with a guy . I won 't go into it , all I 'll say is . . . he 's a physical person . He uses his body to . . . send messages . He hits me . You 're the only person who knows this , believe it or not . Isn 't it odd how you can sometimes feel more comfortable opening up to a complete stranger than the people you 're closest to ? All I 've ever wanted is to make people proud , especially my family . So it would tear me apart if my mum knew , because then she 'd know things weren 't going well for me , and she 'd stop being proud and start being worried . She deserves to be proud of her only daughter . Back to the walk . I 'm looking to go on a cool little journey that 'll give me the headspace I need to realise that I shouldn 't be with this guy . You might think the walk 's totally irrelevant to me making a decision like that , but it 's not , trust me . Think about how I 'll feel after a long , pleasant walk by myself in the wilderness . I 'll feel accomplished . I 'll feel like I can do anything . That 's what I want this walk to do for me . Think about how I 'll feel after a really exhausting walk where I get lost and bump into all sorts of weirdos on the way . I 'll think I can 't possibly be on my own , and I 'll end up stuck with this guy long - term . Even you , who 's only just met me , must know that would be a terrible thing . She was doing her third lot of washing that morning when Kenny waddled in and said he 'd shat himself . She told him to stand there until she 'd finished . He didn 't . He rolled around on the floor for a bit and screamed like a velociraptor . Then he took his nappy off and flung it at her . She tried to stay calm and finish what she was doing . She rinsed the suds off the baking tray and stacked it on the draining board , which looked like a scrapheap with all the cups , plates and bottles on top of each other . With washing up , there was always more than meets the eye . " Right , let 's get you sorted , " she said , taking off her apron . In the living room she heard Loose Women coming on the TV . She wanted to watch it with a cup of tea , but she had to get Kenny cleaned up first . She couldn 't believe that 's what she wanted to do . And that she wasn 't even able to do it . When did she become the person she swore she 'd never be ? Kenny had gone upstairs . After wiping herself down she went to look for him . Following the small brown smears up to the top , she heard him in her bedroom . The door was half closed , and from the landing she could only see his legs and feet . He 'd climbed up onto her dressing table , and she could hear him going through her makeup and jewellery . She imagined him dribbling and getting his shit everywhere . Of course , in the most adorable way . She caught her reflection in the mirror . Fuck , she thought . Is that me ? She knew she wasn 't looking her best - she didn 't mind that . It was her expression . It was the way she looked sad and worried at the same time . She pulled the same smile she 'd just smiled on the landing , to see what it looked like . It didn 't look like a smile . It was just her opening her mouth into an oval shape . The sides of her mouth didn 't curl up at the ends , and her eyes were dead . She blinked slowly and it hurt . It felt like a bruise was on her eye . She touched it and felt a lump . It was a stye . " We play football with this mummy , " said Kenny . He 'd split her pearl necklace and there were white balls everywhere . " Mummy , we play football now ! " Kenny woke her up every hour of the night until he was five . When most other people would have slept for eight hours straight , she was getting up every 60 minutes through the night , for five years . Her friends who had kids the same age seemed to sleep just fine . Most of their kids started sleeping through the night when they were two . She didn 't mind . When Kenny 's made a success of himself one day , he 'll remember his good old mum . He could grow up to be an actor , a football player , an astronaut , and he will remember the part she played in it . That would make it all worth it , she thought . The more she suffered now , the more joyful it would be later . That was the pay off . Her mother told her that to get her through those early days , and it was how she coped with the stress of raising a child . But Kenny wasn 't that into drama at school . He hung around boys who said it was " gay " . And because he tended to give up on stuff he couldn 't master straight away , he didn 't take to sports either . And the astronaut thing just wasn 't going to happen . He didn 't hate doing things , he was just indifferent . He wasn 't really that into anything , and he didn 't care . Most of his friends went to sixth form , and he lost touch with them after a while . Because of that , she lost touch with the other mums she knew . It made her feel lonely , even though they made her feel bad about herself , not on purpose , but by telling her about all the amazing things their kids were doing . They thought she was shy , but they only talked about their kids , and she never had anything good to say about Kenny . As he developed into his late teens he started to look a lot like his father . The long , triangular jaw and the thick brow . Even though he rarely saw his dad , Kenny still acted like him . He was a negative person , and never motivated to do more than the bare minimum , and see past the status quo . She realised that , despite all the chances and inspiration she 'd tried to give him , in the end most things come down to genetics . Kenny was 18 by the time she knew this . When Kenny went full time at the old people 's home she asked him for rent . At first he refused , but then when she threatened to kick him out he started paying up . He agreed to pay £ 40 per week . When you see it written down like that , it doesn 't really look like much of a statement . But something about the way he said it really got to her . Why don 't you show it . With his dad 's vacant look , with his mouth slightly open . Answering his own question . And then it all came back to her . The three - day labour , the sleepless nights , the three jobs she 'd worked to pay the bills . The shame she felt when around the other parents . Not once had he lived up to the hype . They say babies never ask to come into the world , but he did . He wasn 't planned . Even now she cleaned up after him . There was still not one moment of joy . She was fantasising about memories she 'd promised herself . It was dark outside and there was nothing on telly , so her mind was wandering . Wondering , about him . She realised she missed him . And that surprised her . They 'd not been in touch for over a year . Then for the first time , she imagined him fucking up as an astronaut . Like , just spending all day floating around in zero gravity rather than contributing anything to whatever space mission he was part of . She sniggered . Then she thought about him failing as a footballer - getting so angry with another player for being so good that he would pick up the ball , belt it out the stadium , and walk off the pitch . She laughed out loud . Then she imagined him as the worst actor in the world , forgetting his lines on stage , and just looking into the audience blankly , as he tried to remember them . She snorted and the tea that was in her mouth went everywhere . It didn 't matter , she realised . None of it mattered , the hopes and dreams . None of it . A chill washed over her , and suddenly her eyes felt wet . Nothing mattered to her except for one thing . Kenny was her son . God , what had she done ? Her bones clicked as she shot up from the couch . She went to the door and put her feet in her boots . She was still wearing pyjamas , but she put on her long coat so people wouldn 't notice - unless they really looked hard . It was much colder than she thought it 'd be . But it was fine . In fact , she couldn 't stop smiling . Kenny was her son . She thought about the other parents who would understand what she felt . She hadn 't always felt like this , but now she did . And he was gone . She saw the pub sign in the distance . The fog had lifted around it . She picked up the pace and even though her laces had come undone , she didn 't stop to tie them . She had to get there . " Kenny ! " she said as she came in through the door . One or two heads looked up from the bar . A couple of guys playing pool stopped and stared back at her . It was a rough pub . The walls were nicotine yellow . There were crisp packets on the floor . A pint glass on the bar filled up with drips from the leaky ceiling . But she knew Kenny often used to come in here . And if he wasn 't in here today , someone was bound to know where he was . " I haven 't seen Kenny in months . He used to be in here every day from about six til last orders . He played for our pool team on Thursdays , " the barman said . The barman said : " He left town . He met a girl and then got a job where she was from . It all happened pretty quickly . Why , who 's asking ? " " Here , I 've got his number . Give him a call , see how he 's getting on . Tell him Dave says hello , " the man said . She left the pub . On the way home , she saw a group of kids hanging out on bikes near the bins . One of them was doing a wheelie on his own , the others were slumped over their handlebars . Running is hard . It hurts , and it 's boring - especially if you don 't listen to music . It can be lonely , frustrating , even soul destroying , depending on the weather and what mood your body and mind are in . I understand why people call it pointless . There are no real goals to work towards . There 's no ball to chase , no wickets to aim for . When you finish running , there 's no saying whether you 've won , lost or drawn . Whether it 's a 5K or an ultramarathon , running doesn 't exactly achieve anything . Sure , you can track your progress . You get home , check your Strava app , and hope you 've shaved a few seconds off your personal best . I used to think this was why I ran - to keep pushing myself to hit new targets , get faster times , and go longer distances . With all the fitness tech , tracking apps and health data available , it 's easy to obsess over the numbers you 're getting . But it 's not that important . Don 't get me wrong , it 's great to see your progress as a runner . It 's always nice to know you 've improved , and have the facts to prove it . But then , what about next time ? You 'll have to go one better , and one better the time after that . Eventually you won 't be able to - and if progress - tracking is all you 're running for , that moment will be brutal . Running is about putting in time to do something that doesn 't achieve anything , which flies in the face of our outcome - driven world . You 've got to think in terms of what you need to do by the end of the week , where you want to be in six months ' time , and whether you 're making good on your five - year life plan - right ? So why bother doing something if you 're not going to put it on your CV , or add it to your Twitter feed ? I often think like that . After all , if you want to live an accomplished life , you need to challenge yourself to learn , grow and achieve - always . It 's good to have personal targets and life goals . But they can stress you out . So you 've got two options : If you chose option two , then there are a few ways you can consciously live in the present . You can take drugs , and notice how different chemicals affect your consciousness , emotions and interaction with other people . BUT whatever goes up must come down , and if a negative thought gets inside your head , it can grow like a disease . You can listen to music , and enjoy how sounds can swell and give a heightened sensation of time passing . BUT when it 's gone , it 's gone . If you put the same track on again it won 't feel the same . The glory of running is not in the finishing , but the humbling , exhilarating , perspective - bringing process of getting there . Running through nature reminds you that while the world is much bigger than you are , you can do so much within in it . Like you are both significant and insignificant . Running is an escape . It 's impossible to worry about anything too much if you 're running . Your mind 's attention is taken up by listening to your body , and taking in the outdoors around you . In Haruki Murakami 's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running , he says : " The thoughts that occur to me while I 'm running are like clouds in the sky . Clouds of all different sizes . They come and they go , while the sky remains the same sky always . The clouds are mere guests in the sky that pass away and vanish , leaving behind the sky . " I 've been running for two years , and I haven 't yet discovered a down side . Even when your muscles are aching after a middle or long - distance run , it 's their way of saying ' thank you ' . ( However , after I recently did the Yorkshire Marathon , it took them a good couple of days for them to come to their senses . ) Today , nearly four years after our six - year relationship ended , I found out you were cheating on me . Things had started off so well between us , in that first naïve summer when neither of us had any worries in the world . Then I went back to university , and you went back home to save up for your first year at drama school . We lived 250 miles away , and it was challenging . It seemed particularly tough for you , who had a job washing pots and was jealous at the thought of me living a more exciting student life in which you worried my head would be turned . But I 'm a decent person and I stayed faithful . I wished you 'd believed me . You needed reassurance so I texted and called you with regular updates , sometimes 30 times a day . And whether I was reading at home , walking to the library , at a gig , or wherever , I was always honest . Every two or three weeks you knew exactly where I was anyway - with you , at your parents ' house , where I spent my student loan travelling to . Was it then that it happened ? Later that year we hit a rocky patch . It was my second year living in a big city and I was changing . While it was still tough seeing you wave me off from the station platform after spending another weekend together , once I was at the other end I had exciting stuff going on that you were never part of - and didn 't want to understand . One day in the holidays I tried to end our relationship . You begged me to stay and I wasn 't strong enough to see it through , so we gave it another go . That night I told myself things would get easier when you went to drama school , but to be honest it felt like a missed opportunity . And things did get easier . You were busier and happier at drama school . You still wanted to know what I was up to and with whom . You said you wouldn 't get upset when I told you , but whenever it involved a female friend , you did . I would spend hours reassuring you , often missing out on conversations and memories with the people around me because of the lengthy phonecalls and texts needed to put your mind at ease . I tried to lead by example by never questioning where you were going or which friends you were spending time with , but it didn 't work . A lesser man would have just lied to you . Despite that , I was excited to visit you . The train prices had gone up , but I got the one at 5am so I could afford it . The weeks and months were flying by and pretty soon I was in my final year . We were both doing well and I was optimistic about our future . I was going to be a writer - you an actress . Together we would embody the virtues of following your dreams , doing what you were born to do , and working your ass off to get where you want to be . I knew we could do it . After I graduated I went travelling . I remember being our goodbyes at the bus station . It felt like the end of that first summer - just , wrong . Every day I was out there was a countdown to seeing you again . My fingers were sore from writing about you in my journal . I knew that when I returned , you were the girl I would settle down with . I wasn 't afraid of committing . Being away from you for so long gave me that clarity . I remember the teary international phonecall from a payphone somewhere , when I said I was at the halfway point of my journey , and I was now pretty much on my way back to you . When I got back , I got a job in the city where you were studying . For a while I lived with you and your flatmates , but I knew it was temporary , because we weren 't ready to take that step just yet . At least I was in the same city as you , and we could see each other all the time . With everything we 'd been through , all the train journeys and long - distance calls , we 'd really earned that right . A year later I took a job out of the city . It was a career decision and we agreed it would be better to give you that extra time to study for your final exams and performances . Sometimes you doubted yourself , and I 'd try to motivate you by saying stuff like " you 're special " , " look at how far you 've come and what you 've achieved . You just need to keep at it and it 'll happen . It could happen tomorrow " , and " in the end you either succeed or you give up " . I couldn 't bear you to give up on your dreams . Too many people do that . When you graduated with 1st class honours , you thanked me for it . But I said it was all you . You moved back home after graduating , and got yourself an agent ! Things were looking up . See , I told you things would work out if we stuck at it . We visited each other every few weeks or so , but before long I was in a situation where I needed to find another flat , and we took the opportunity to move in together . We went for a drink to celebrate signing the contract . When you went to the bathroom I remember thinking how happy I was that you 'd convinced me to stay with you all those years before . I took care of the rent - you helped out with the bills . It made sense , because I was the one with the permanent income . Even if it wasn 't a very good one , it made me feel good to provide . I was happy to support you in getting your acting career started . You couldn 't get a full - time job anyway , because you needed to be available for auditions . You did a few adverts and local theatre jobs here and there , and we celebrated each and every success . You seemed tired when we were coming home from spending New Year 's with some of your family down south . When we got back you looked at me and said you were going to stay with your mum and dad for a while , because you needed to think things over . I thought you were kidding . You said : " I might come back in five minutes , or I might never come back , " and left . Our luggage was still on the floor . It wasn 't nice not knowing . I didn 't want to tell friends and family in case you did come back and they knew we were having problems . I was in limbo . Whenever I 'd hear a car slow down outside I thought it was you . But it never was and I got over it and moved to another city to start my next chapter . I wish you had told me when you started to want different things , rather than do what you did . But thank you . Thank you for adding another twist in the narrative of triumph my life will eventually become . There will be more knocks to come I 'm sure . Along with the bullies at scouts , the doubting school teachers and the father who left me as a two - year - old boy , you are part of the crowd who inspires me to go further and better to prove wrong . Cannick was hired at a hotel and started a few days later . Tahoe hung around for a while and got a job herself . She called her grandma in Thunder Bay and told her she 'd visit in a few weeks ' time but wouldn 't be able to stay as long as she 'd originally planned . She washed dishes in a café on the outskirts of town , and strangely it was one of the cleaners from the Greyhound terminal that day who gave her the job . They stayed in the hostel for a couple of months , and moved into their own apartment the day before Halloween . Their next door neighbours threw a party and invited them in , so they met a whole bunch of people there . By the end of the year their friends and family were visiting them and telling them how happy they looked . And they were . At some point they stopped living paycheque to paycheque and started saving . At around the same time Tahoe went to the bathroom and came out holding a pregnancy test . It was the third one she 'd taken so she was pretty sure . It took them a few more months and a promotion for them to get a deposit together for a house , and everything went through before the twins came along . " Where does the time go , " said Cannick . He was sat in his friend Kelvin 's back garden , holding a glass of water and watching Kit and Elodie play with a plastic gardening shovel . Elodie was getting fed up of Kit dragging her around by her feet , so she was holding the shovel like a fencer would hold a sword to ward him off . Kit used his size to wrestle it from her and hold it high above his head so she couldn 't get it . She thrashed her arms around to try . His wide - set nose wrinkled as he laughed . " I guess if one of them hits the other over the head with it you might have a problem , " said Kelvin , climbing up off his deck chair . " I 'm going to get another beer . Want one ? " Kelvin raised his eyebrows as he disappeared through his French windows . Cannick got up and went over to the twins . The grass was cooler than he thought it would be as his bare feet stroked the neatly trimmed blades and daisies . He 'd been outside for most of the afternoon and things had changed over the four hours or so . " Kit , Elodie , come on , let 's find you something safer to play with , " said Cannick , wrestling the shovel from Kit 's 18 - month - old fingers . He pointed towards a pair of tennis balls and nudged them both in that direction . Then he jogged back to the patio where he took his seat again . There was laughter inside the house . The hiss of another beer bottle opening and the clinking of the bottle top dropping onto the floor preceded Kelvin coming back out . He had a huge smile on his face when he did . He smiled at Cannick and then at the twins on his way to his deck chair , before collapsing into it . " Tennis balls can 't do much harm can they ? " he said . An aeroplane appeared out of the clouds to the west and buzzed over the horizon towards the east . The journey it took , across the green treetops of Van Wallegham Park and the lake nearby , held their attention for half a minute or so . It was the first time Cannick had really taken in his surroundings at Kelvin 's place . " Show off , " said Kelvin . He took a swig of his beer and added : " That guy flies over here every Sunday . Just when I 'm kicking back thinking about how good my life is , there he flies to show me his is even better . His name is Phil Thomas , or Thomas Phillips , or something like that . " " Just think about how many bigger planes he sees when he 's up there , " said Cannick . He got up and stretched . " Anyway man , we 'd better go . It 's getting towards these guys ' feeding time . Thanks for having us . " " She 's fine , just a little under the weather . Summer colds , you know how it is , " said Cannick , walking over to Kit and Elodie . " When did you last see her ? " Cannick picked up the kids and walked over to Kelvin . " No way , " he said . " We 'll definitely sort something out soon . Say goodbye to uncle Kelvin , kids . " " They 're tired . we 'd better get going , " said Cannick . He made for the side gate that led to the sloped driveway out front . " See you soon , give my best to Tadila . " Kelvin patted the top of the car a couple of times as a goodbye . He didn 't look back as he walked towards his front door . Cannick took a couple of deep breaths before he turned on the ignition and let the car roll down the driveway . I was honoured to feature in the latest instalment of Plastic Fortune 's YouTube documentary series People of York , in which creative people in our city talk about the projects they 're working on , what inspires them , and what they think about York . Having finished my first short story collection Pillow Talk for Insomniacs , I 'm now working on a longer novella . You can read the first extract here . You 've lost faith in politics because no one in parliament represents you . Trade unions are things from the 1980s , and demonstrations achieve shit . Suddenly you 're given the chance to make a decision that will actually change something . You would take that chance . Remember that referendum results map of Britain ? I live on that island of gold in the middle of the north of England . I woke up at 5 . 30am last Friday morning and my first three words were " no , no , no " . I 've been pretty pissed off all weekend but the last thing anyone on the internet wants to see is another Europhile 's ode to Brussels . So I 'm making an effort to understand why the sea around me is blue . In another era , they were represented by the Labour party . But while the parties in Westminster have grown closer over the past 20 years , social inequality has widened . Many voters in Labour 's traditional heartlands - in Wales and across the north and east of England - don 't have anyone speaking up for them anymore . The Leave campaign was the first time they had been given a convincing case for something that could actually change their lives for the better , and " take back the country " they had in mind when they weren 't too old to dream . The referendum had given them hope for the first time . Everyone deserves hope . Some of them knew Johnson , Hannan and Farage were talking bollocks on Friday - but threw their hats in the ring anyway . After all there was nothing to lose . The sad thing is that there 's no obvious way that cutting important diplomatic and economic ties with our neighbours will improve anything . In fact it seems like a terrible , irreversible mistake . But I guess I would think that , as someone who has the privilege to understand our establishment and the opportunity to find his way in it - not someone who still needs so much more from their country . Did the hipster eat the last bit of yesterday 's stir fry for breakfast this morning ? Or was it a greasy spoon bacon butty with ketchup ? Would that explain the bloody red stain on his shirt , given to him as a birthday present by his brother a few years ago ? Does the hipster make small talk with the old man sat next to him at the café as he waits for his friend to arrive ? Or with the barista before he ordered his drink ? What do they talk about ? Does the old man , also alone , talk about the graffiti that 's being hosed off the shop shutters across the street ? Is his outrage , based on his friendship with the shop owner , rather than his opinion on the graffiti 's image of a dog with human teeth , spoken ? Has the hipster ever had a conversation with an old person , or a stranger ? Does that explain his nervous nail - biting , a habit that dates back to his early teens ? How long does it take to make the hipster 's flat white with soya milk ? How long should it ? Are some baristas better at making certain drinks than others ? For example , are there cappuccino and mocha specialists ? Are the staff competitive at making designs in the milky froth ? Do some make flowers and others love hearts , and how far does that fall along gender lines ? Or has the cafe got a particular style , based on managerial preference ? Is that style respected even on the manager 's days off ? Will the hipster be relieved when his friend turns up , or does he like being alone with his thoughts ? What does he think about ? His week at work ? His ill mother ? A girl ? Does the hipster worry about the future ? Does the hipster worry about the present ? Does the hipster wonder what his life might be like had he not left his home town and moved to the city ? Does the hipster think his A Levels alone will be enough to get a job that he likes ? How long - term are his hopes and dreams ? Are they based on the ambitions he had as a kid , or on what his peers are doing today ? Does the hipster consider himself a giving person ? Do others ? Has the hipster enough money to spend in the café for the rest of the afternoon ? What 's the hipster 's socio - economic background ? Given his public school education and family - subsidised living situation , does the hipster consider himself privileged ? How does he compare himself with the old man , the barista , or the guys removing the graffiti from the shop shutters ? With whom does he feel closest to ? Has the hipster ever voted ? Does the hipster feel more or less important in the café than he does in his apartment 's living room ? Does he wear those same chinos when he 's lounging around at home , or pyjamas ? Does it depend on who else is around ? How many different pairs of trousers does he have ? Did he buy them all himself ? How does the hipster compare himself with the young men on the table next to his ? Has he noted the difference in quality between his shoes and theirs ? Between his chinos and theirs ? What bits of conversation does he overhear ? Why does he not feel angry when one of them reveals his support for eugenics , given that his mother is critical ill in hospital ? Is it primarily because he 's never felt such affection towards his family , or because she 's been ill a long time ? Or did he just not hear the person properly ? Is the hipster aware of the fact that the café flooded just two months before ? Is he aware that the café 's owner is being investigated for insurance fraud ? How well does the hipster know the café staff ? How well does he think he knows them ? Would he respect their opinions in a political debate ? Does he trust them ? How close is the hipster to other people ? Do people consider him shy or rude for not talking much ? How many people are in his circle of friends , and do they consider him an important part of that circle , or just on the periphery ? To what extent does he define his personal qualities by the memory of one of his first girlfriends saying he was a good listener , as the blue dawn appeared just as everyone else had left the party ? When 's the last time the hipster called his mother ? Are his chats with his father just watered - down versions of these conversations ? Is the hipster even slightly concerned at the health implications the flat white with soya milk will have on his body ? Has he noted the quality of the air in the café ? Is he uncomfortable enough on his wooden chair , which has no cushion , to get up and stand at the bar instead ? Is the hipster tired of hanging out in cafés ? Is he doing what he wants to be doing , or because he feels like he has to ? Is he tired generally ? How well does he sleep ? Is there a Wi - Fi connection in the café ? If yes , is the name and password signposted at the bar , or does it have to be asked for ? How much does the hipster spend a month on his phone ? £ 20 ? £ 40 ? How long does his battery last ? What does that say about him ? The barista behind the bar - who is she ? Is it obvious to people that she 's been working there for many years ? How much does the barista make in tips ? Have they got a tips jar at the bar , or do people just add an extra few pounds onto their bill ? Is it easier for the café owner to distribute the tips one way or the other ? Does the barista take home the tips in cash ? Are they usually less than she expects them to be ? How much less ?
In 1951 a woman called Henrietta Lacks died in Baltimore , USA . These are cells from her body . They were taken from her just before she died . They have been growing and multiplying ever since . There are now billions of these cells in labs across the world . If massed together they would span more than 105 kilometers and weigh 400 times Henrietta 's original body weight . The cells have helped to develop vaccines and further our understanding of cancer , HIV and AIDS , and the behaviour of human cells in general . Images from Wikipedia Cells are taken from her tumours . They are sent to a lab run by scientist George Otto Gey . He creates the first immortal human cell line by isolating one of Henrietta 's cells and repeatedly dividing it , so it can be used for experiments . Henrietta 's cells continue to multiply quickly and aggressively . The samples are packaged and sold to labs across the world for scientific research . They are called HeLa cells after Henrietta 's first and last names . A geneticist accidentally spills chemicals on HeLa cells at a lab in Texas . They instantly grow in size and untangle themselves , making them more visible under the microscope . 1955 Joe Hin Tjio and Albert Levan use HeLa cells to identify that humans have 46 chromosomes . Before this it was believed to be 48 . In another scientific milestone , HeLa cells are the first human cells to be successfully cloned . Biologist Leigh Van Valen claims the HeLa cells are " no longer human " because they don 't behave like human cells . Some scientists consider them an entirely new species . 2001 He 'd wasted it staring into the mid - distance , focusing neither on the automated video playlist that had started with AC / DC and somehow finished with Wham ! , or the book that had ended up closing itself . In three hours he 'd got up once to put the kettle on . But he 'd not listened out for it boiling , so he didn 't get up a second time to make the cup of tea . Everything he did that day had been half - arsed . Still , it would soon be time to rest . It was very late . Before he went to bed he decided to check his Facebook . He opened his laptop and fired up his browser . He tapped the F key and the URL filled itself out . Then he hit Return . He looked at his friends ' posts . Most of them were just updates about which restaurant or bar they were at . Or to say what they thought of the latest person to get booted off whatever reality show they were watching . Or links to sponsorship pages for charity runs or bike rides . He was about to close his browser when he saw her . He recognised her almost straight away , even from the little thumbnail photo . It was the smile . When she smiled you could tell she was holding herself back , giving nothing away . A kind of Mona Lisa smile . He looked at her name . It was down as Stephanie . He 'd always known her as Stef . With an f . He clicked on her picture and went to her profile . He wanted to see what other photos she had on there . She was married now with a family . There were albums of her on holiday , at a theme park , and dressing up for Halloween . There were other albums of her on nights out with her mates , on girls ' holidays , and at weddings . She was always smiling . Smiling that smile he remembered . It was special . He yawned and rubbed his eyes , half asleep in his seat , until he spotted something that woke him right back up again . It was another picture , but a picture from back in the day . Old pictures like that take you right back , but this one especially , because it was him that took it . He and Stef had rented a cottage in the middle of nowhere with some uni mates , to celebrate the end of the year . There were about eight of them , and they were all going home for Christmas , so they 'd decided to do something different - and get pissed together somewhere random . That 's how they ended up booking this cottage . It was freezing , but sunny and crisp , and there was no one else around . It was nice . He 'd taken loads of cool photos , mainly of the lochs near the cottage , and a few group shots of everyone in a line with a forest in the background . Stuff like that . It all went up on Facebook . But with this photo , he remembered exactly what he was thinking at the time . It was the last one he took before everyone went home . It was the morning they checked out . They had to check out at 10am , so everyone looked a little rough . The sun was in everyone 's eyes . No one looked like they wanted their picture taken . In fact one guy looked like he was going to throw up . He remembered everyone getting into position for the photo . He was stood next to Stef , at the back . Everyone was up close , but they were up close in a way that said : " I want you . " Everyone else was talking but them , who were pretending to listen , but were really having their own little moment . Nothing had happened between them on the trip . They 'd got drunk together and chatted to other people , played sharades , cooked . But now was the best part . There was something in the air . He remembered how excited he was that she seemed interested in him . Most people in the photo looked weird . They were making ' Ch ' , ' eee ' , or ' zzz ' faces after all . He looked at their expressions and laughed . But she , Stef , wasn 't saying " cheese " . She was just looking at the lens , through to him . She looked beautiful . Her eyes were narrowed and her smile was turned up at one end of her mouth , as if she was speaking to him both then and now , saying : " Dude , I love you . " She was on her own in the photo , and there was a space next to her where he had stood , before he agreed to take it . The next morning he woke up on the sofa . Dawn 's blue glow crept in from behind the curtains . He opened his eyes slowly and saw feet standing nearby . He turned his head . It was Stef . " Morning , " he said . But she didn 't reply . He was in the living room . Their living room , where he must have drifted off . With his laptop on his lap . It was boiling . Excuse me . Are you from around here ? I 'm looking to go on a nice walk . Can you point me in the right direction ? I 've seen the Public Footpath signposts , and I know Tourist Information 's just around the corner , but I was hoping to go somewhere off the beaten track . You know , somewhere only locals know , through word of mouth . Somewhere that 's not written down in any guidebooks . Somewhere no one 's ever taken a selfie and shared it to Instagram . Somewhere I can feel excited to be in on a secret between the nature and the residents living here . I should say , I don 't want to be walking for ages . But then again I want a bit of a challenge . Look at what I 'm wearing - I want to feel that I dressed appropriately for the walk . I don 't want to be sweating buckets before I 'm halfway around and have to carry my coat . But on the other hand I don 't want to wish I 'd worn another pair of socks because of the cold . I 'm only wearing one pair , just so you know . I don 't want to be scrambling up mountain tops or anything like that . I want the destination to be fairly easy to get to . Not a walk where I 'm constantly wondering ' did she definitely say South South East ? ' but one where I only have to remember like three clear directions . The white pebble path , the horse field , and the tree house , for example . A general orientation and a few landmarks are all I want to bear in mind . A walk , not a hike . Difficulty level 5 / 10 . I need to think a few things over , you see . That 's the whole reason I 'm here wanting to walk . I want to figure some stuff out . I want to focus my mind outward while I do that , because that 's how they say people make good decisions . And God knows I need to make a good decision here . If I were at home I 'd just get lazy and not want to change anything , but I 've come all the way out here to be have a word with myself and be brave , for my own sake . It 's to do with a guy . I won 't go into it , all I 'll say is . . . he 's a physical person . He uses his body to . . . send messages . He hits me . You 're the only person who knows this , believe it or not . Isn 't it odd how you can sometimes feel more comfortable opening up to a complete stranger than the people you 're closest to ? All I 've ever wanted is to make people proud , especially my family . So it would tear me apart if my mum knew , because then she 'd know things weren 't going well for me , and she 'd stop being proud and start being worried . She deserves to be proud of her only daughter . Back to the walk . I 'm looking to go on a cool little journey that 'll give me the headspace I need to realise that I shouldn 't be with this guy . You might think the walk 's totally irrelevant to me making a decision like that , but it 's not , trust me . Think about how I 'll feel after a long , pleasant walk by myself in the wilderness . I 'll feel accomplished . I 'll feel like I can do anything . That 's what I want this walk to do for me . Think about how I 'll feel after a really exhausting walk where I get lost and bump into all sorts of weirdos on the way . I 'll think I can 't possibly be on my own , and I 'll end up stuck with this guy long - term . Even you , who 's only just met me , must know that would be a terrible thing . She was doing her third lot of washing that morning when Kenny waddled in and said he 'd shat himself . She told him to stand there until she 'd finished . He didn 't . He rolled around on the floor for a bit and screamed like a velociraptor . Then he took his nappy off and flung it at her . She tried to stay calm and finish what she was doing . She rinsed the suds off the baking tray and stacked it on the draining board , which looked like a scrapheap with all the cups , plates and bottles on top of each other . With washing up , there was always more than meets the eye . " Right , let 's get you sorted , " she said , taking off her apron . In the living room she heard Loose Women coming on the TV . She wanted to watch it with a cup of tea , but she had to get Kenny cleaned up first . She couldn 't believe that 's what she wanted to do . And that she wasn 't even able to do it . When did she become the person she swore she 'd never be ? Kenny had gone upstairs . After wiping herself down she went to look for him . Following the small brown smears up to the top , she heard him in her bedroom . The door was half closed , and from the landing she could only see his legs and feet . He 'd climbed up onto her dressing table , and she could hear him going through her makeup and jewellery . She imagined him dribbling and getting his shit everywhere . Of course , in the most adorable way . She caught her reflection in the mirror . Fuck , she thought . Is that me ? She knew she wasn 't looking her best - she didn 't mind that . It was her expression . It was the way she looked sad and worried at the same time . She pulled the same smile she 'd just smiled on the landing , to see what it looked like . It didn 't look like a smile . It was just her opening her mouth into an oval shape . The sides of her mouth didn 't curl up at the ends , and her eyes were dead . She blinked slowly and it hurt . It felt like a bruise was on her eye . She touched it and felt a lump . It was a stye . " We play football with this mummy , " said Kenny . He 'd split her pearl necklace and there were white balls everywhere . " Mummy , we play football now ! " Kenny woke her up every hour of the night until he was five . When most other people would have slept for eight hours straight , she was getting up every 60 minutes through the night , for five years . Her friends who had kids the same age seemed to sleep just fine . Most of their kids started sleeping through the night when they were two . She didn 't mind . When Kenny 's made a success of himself one day , he 'll remember his good old mum . He could grow up to be an actor , a football player , an astronaut , and he will remember the part she played in it . That would make it all worth it , she thought . The more she suffered now , the more joyful it would be later . That was the pay off . Her mother told her that to get her through those early days , and it was how she coped with the stress of raising a child . But Kenny wasn 't that into drama at school . He hung around boys who said it was " gay " . And because he tended to give up on stuff he couldn 't master straight away , he didn 't take to sports either . And the astronaut thing just wasn 't going to happen . He didn 't hate doing things , he was just indifferent . He wasn 't really that into anything , and he didn 't care . Most of his friends went to sixth form , and he lost touch with them after a while . Because of that , she lost touch with the other mums she knew . It made her feel lonely , even though they made her feel bad about herself , not on purpose , but by telling her about all the amazing things their kids were doing . They thought she was shy , but they only talked about their kids , and she never had anything good to say about Kenny . As he developed into his late teens he started to look a lot like his father . The long , triangular jaw and the thick brow . Even though he rarely saw his dad , Kenny still acted like him . He was a negative person , and never motivated to do more than the bare minimum , and see past the status quo . She realised that , despite all the chances and inspiration she 'd tried to give him , in the end most things come down to genetics . Kenny was 18 by the time she knew this . When Kenny went full time at the old people 's home she asked him for rent . At first he refused , but then when she threatened to kick him out he started paying up . He agreed to pay £ 40 per week . When you see it written down like that , it doesn 't really look like much of a statement . But something about the way he said it really got to her . Why don 't you show it . With his dad 's vacant look , with his mouth slightly open . Answering his own question . And then it all came back to her . The three - day labour , the sleepless nights , the three jobs she 'd worked to pay the bills . The shame she felt when around the other parents . Not once had he lived up to the hype . They say babies never ask to come into the world , but he did . He wasn 't planned . Even now she cleaned up after him . There was still not one moment of joy . She was fantasising about memories she 'd promised herself . It was dark outside and there was nothing on telly , so her mind was wandering . Wondering , about him . She realised she missed him . And that surprised her . They 'd not been in touch for over a year . Then for the first time , she imagined him fucking up as an astronaut . Like , just spending all day floating around in zero gravity rather than contributing anything to whatever space mission he was part of . She sniggered . Then she thought about him failing as a footballer - getting so angry with another player for being so good that he would pick up the ball , belt it out the stadium , and walk off the pitch . She laughed out loud . Then she imagined him as the worst actor in the world , forgetting his lines on stage , and just looking into the audience blankly , as he tried to remember them . She snorted and the tea that was in her mouth went everywhere . It didn 't matter , she realised . None of it mattered , the hopes and dreams . None of it . A chill washed over her , and suddenly her eyes felt wet . Nothing mattered to her except for one thing . Kenny was her son . God , what had she done ? Her bones clicked as she shot up from the couch . She went to the door and put her feet in her boots . She was still wearing pyjamas , but she put on her long coat so people wouldn 't notice - unless they really looked hard . It was much colder than she thought it 'd be . But it was fine . In fact , she couldn 't stop smiling . Kenny was her son . She thought about the other parents who would understand what she felt . She hadn 't always felt like this , but now she did . And he was gone . She saw the pub sign in the distance . The fog had lifted around it . She picked up the pace and even though her laces had come undone , she didn 't stop to tie them . She had to get there . " Kenny ! " she said as she came in through the door . One or two heads looked up from the bar . A couple of guys playing pool stopped and stared back at her . It was a rough pub . The walls were nicotine yellow . There were crisp packets on the floor . A pint glass on the bar filled up with drips from the leaky ceiling . But she knew Kenny often used to come in here . And if he wasn 't in here today , someone was bound to know where he was . " I haven 't seen Kenny in months . He used to be in here every day from about six til last orders . He played for our pool team on Thursdays , " the barman said . The barman said : " He left town . He met a girl and then got a job where she was from . It all happened pretty quickly . Why , who 's asking ? " " Here , I 've got his number . Give him a call , see how he 's getting on . Tell him Dave says hello , " the man said . She left the pub . On the way home , she saw a group of kids hanging out on bikes near the bins . One of them was doing a wheelie on his own , the others were slumped over their handlebars . Running is hard . It hurts , and it 's boring - especially if you don 't listen to music . It can be lonely , frustrating , even soul destroying , depending on the weather and what mood your body and mind are in . I understand why people call it pointless . There are no real goals to work towards . There 's no ball to chase , no wickets to aim for . When you finish running , there 's no saying whether you 've won , lost or drawn . Whether it 's a 5K or an ultramarathon , running doesn 't exactly achieve anything . Sure , you can track your progress . You get home , check your Strava app , and hope you 've shaved a few seconds off your personal best . I used to think this was why I ran - to keep pushing myself to hit new targets , get faster times , and go longer distances . With all the fitness tech , tracking apps and health data available , it 's easy to obsess over the numbers you 're getting . But it 's not that important . Don 't get me wrong , it 's great to see your progress as a runner . It 's always nice to know you 've improved , and have the facts to prove it . But then , what about next time ? You 'll have to go one better , and one better the time after that . Eventually you won 't be able to - and if progress - tracking is all you 're running for , that moment will be brutal . Running is about putting in time to do something that doesn 't achieve anything , which flies in the face of our outcome - driven world . You 've got to think in terms of what you need to do by the end of the week , where you want to be in six months ' time , and whether you 're making good on your five - year life plan - right ? So why bother doing something if you 're not going to put it on your CV , or add it to your Twitter feed ? I often think like that . After all , if you want to live an accomplished life , you need to challenge yourself to learn , grow and achieve - always . It 's good to have personal targets and life goals . But they can stress you out . So you 've got two options : If you chose option two , then there are a few ways you can consciously live in the present . You can take drugs , and notice how different chemicals affect your consciousness , emotions and interaction with other people . BUT whatever goes up must come down , and if a negative thought gets inside your head , it can grow like a disease . You can listen to music , and enjoy how sounds can swell and give a heightened sensation of time passing . BUT when it 's gone , it 's gone . If you put the same track on again it won 't feel the same . The glory of running is not in the finishing , but the humbling , exhilarating , perspective - bringing process of getting there . Running through nature reminds you that while the world is much bigger than you are , you can do so much within in it . Like you are both significant and insignificant . Running is an escape . It 's impossible to worry about anything too much if you 're running . Your mind 's attention is taken up by listening to your body , and taking in the outdoors around you . In Haruki Murakami 's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running , he says : " The thoughts that occur to me while I 'm running are like clouds in the sky . Clouds of all different sizes . They come and they go , while the sky remains the same sky always . The clouds are mere guests in the sky that pass away and vanish , leaving behind the sky . " I 've been running for two years , and I haven 't yet discovered a down side . Even when your muscles are aching after a middle or long - distance run , it 's their way of saying ' thank you ' . ( However , after I recently did the Yorkshire Marathon , it took them a good couple of days for them to come to their senses . ) Today , nearly four years after our six - year relationship ended , I found out you were cheating on me . Things had started off so well between us , in that first naïve summer when neither of us had any worries in the world . Then I went back to university , and you went back home to save up for your first year at drama school . We lived 250 miles away , and it was challenging . It seemed particularly tough for you , who had a job washing pots and was jealous at the thought of me living a more exciting student life in which you worried my head would be turned . But I 'm a decent person and I stayed faithful . I wished you 'd believed me . You needed reassurance so I texted and called you with regular updates , sometimes 30 times a day . And whether I was reading at home , walking to the library , at a gig , or wherever , I was always honest . Every two or three weeks you knew exactly where I was anyway - with you , at your parents ' house , where I spent my student loan travelling to . Was it then that it happened ? Later that year we hit a rocky patch . It was my second year living in a big city and I was changing . While it was still tough seeing you wave me off from the station platform after spending another weekend together , once I was at the other end I had exciting stuff going on that you were never part of - and didn 't want to understand . One day in the holidays I tried to end our relationship . You begged me to stay and I wasn 't strong enough to see it through , so we gave it another go . That night I told myself things would get easier when you went to drama school , but to be honest it felt like a missed opportunity . And things did get easier . You were busier and happier at drama school . You still wanted to know what I was up to and with whom . You said you wouldn 't get upset when I told you , but whenever it involved a female friend , you did . I would spend hours reassuring you , often missing out on conversations and memories with the people around me because of the lengthy phonecalls and texts needed to put your mind at ease . I tried to lead by example by never questioning where you were going or which friends you were spending time with , but it didn 't work . A lesser man would have just lied to you . Despite that , I was excited to visit you . The train prices had gone up , but I got the one at 5am so I could afford it . The weeks and months were flying by and pretty soon I was in my final year . We were both doing well and I was optimistic about our future . I was going to be a writer - you an actress . Together we would embody the virtues of following your dreams , doing what you were born to do , and working your ass off to get where you want to be . I knew we could do it . After I graduated I went travelling . I remember being our goodbyes at the bus station . It felt like the end of that first summer - just , wrong . Every day I was out there was a countdown to seeing you again . My fingers were sore from writing about you in my journal . I knew that when I returned , you were the girl I would settle down with . I wasn 't afraid of committing . Being away from you for so long gave me that clarity . I remember the teary international phonecall from a payphone somewhere , when I said I was at the halfway point of my journey , and I was now pretty much on my way back to you . When I got back , I got a job in the city where you were studying . For a while I lived with you and your flatmates , but I knew it was temporary , because we weren 't ready to take that step just yet . At least I was in the same city as you , and we could see each other all the time . With everything we 'd been through , all the train journeys and long - distance calls , we 'd really earned that right . A year later I took a job out of the city . It was a career decision and we agreed it would be better to give you that extra time to study for your final exams and performances . Sometimes you doubted yourself , and I 'd try to motivate you by saying stuff like " you 're special " , " look at how far you 've come and what you 've achieved . You just need to keep at it and it 'll happen . It could happen tomorrow " , and " in the end you either succeed or you give up " . I couldn 't bear you to give up on your dreams . Too many people do that . When you graduated with 1st class honours , you thanked me for it . But I said it was all you . You moved back home after graduating , and got yourself an agent ! Things were looking up . See , I told you things would work out if we stuck at it . We visited each other every few weeks or so , but before long I was in a situation where I needed to find another flat , and we took the opportunity to move in together . We went for a drink to celebrate signing the contract . When you went to the bathroom I remember thinking how happy I was that you 'd convinced me to stay with you all those years before . I took care of the rent - you helped out with the bills . It made sense , because I was the one with the permanent income . Even if it wasn 't a very good one , it made me feel good to provide . I was happy to support you in getting your acting career started . You couldn 't get a full - time job anyway , because you needed to be available for auditions . You did a few adverts and local theatre jobs here and there , and we celebrated each and every success . You seemed tired when we were coming home from spending New Year 's with some of your family down south . When we got back you looked at me and said you were going to stay with your mum and dad for a while , because you needed to think things over . I thought you were kidding . You said : " I might come back in five minutes , or I might never come back , " and left . Our luggage was still on the floor . It wasn 't nice not knowing . I didn 't want to tell friends and family in case you did come back and they knew we were having problems . I was in limbo . Whenever I 'd hear a car slow down outside I thought it was you . But it never was and I got over it and moved to another city to start my next chapter . I wish you had told me when you started to want different things , rather than do what you did . But thank you . Thank you for adding another twist in the narrative of triumph my life will eventually become . There will be more knocks to come I 'm sure . Along with the bullies at scouts , the doubting school teachers and the father who left me as a two - year - old boy , you are part of the crowd who inspires me to go further and better to prove wrong . Cannick was hired at a hotel and started a few days later . Tahoe hung around for a while and got a job herself . She called her grandma in Thunder Bay and told her she 'd visit in a few weeks ' time but wouldn 't be able to stay as long as she 'd originally planned . She washed dishes in a café on the outskirts of town , and strangely it was one of the cleaners from the Greyhound terminal that day who gave her the job . They stayed in the hostel for a couple of months , and moved into their own apartment the day before Halloween . Their next door neighbours threw a party and invited them in , so they met a whole bunch of people there . By the end of the year their friends and family were visiting them and telling them how happy they looked . And they were . At some point they stopped living paycheque to paycheque and started saving . At around the same time Tahoe went to the bathroom and came out holding a pregnancy test . It was the third one she 'd taken so she was pretty sure . It took them a few more months and a promotion for them to get a deposit together for a house , and everything went through before the twins came along . " Where does the time go , " said Cannick . He was sat in his friend Kelvin 's back garden , holding a glass of water and watching Kit and Elodie play with a plastic gardening shovel . Elodie was getting fed up of Kit dragging her around by her feet , so she was holding the shovel like a fencer would hold a sword to ward him off . Kit used his size to wrestle it from her and hold it high above his head so she couldn 't get it . She thrashed her arms around to try . His wide - set nose wrinkled as he laughed . " I guess if one of them hits the other over the head with it you might have a problem , " said Kelvin , climbing up off his deck chair . " I 'm going to get another beer . Want one ? " Kelvin raised his eyebrows as he disappeared through his French windows . Cannick got up and went over to the twins . The grass was cooler than he thought it would be as his bare feet stroked the neatly trimmed blades and daisies . He 'd been outside for most of the afternoon and things had changed over the four hours or so . " Kit , Elodie , come on , let 's find you something safer to play with , " said Cannick , wrestling the shovel from Kit 's 18 - month - old fingers . He pointed towards a pair of tennis balls and nudged them both in that direction . Then he jogged back to the patio where he took his seat again . There was laughter inside the house . The hiss of another beer bottle opening and the clinking of the bottle top dropping onto the floor preceded Kelvin coming back out . He had a huge smile on his face when he did . He smiled at Cannick and then at the twins on his way to his deck chair , before collapsing into it . " Tennis balls can 't do much harm can they ? " he said . An aeroplane appeared out of the clouds to the west and buzzed over the horizon towards the east . The journey it took , across the green treetops of Van Wallegham Park and the lake nearby , held their attention for half a minute or so . It was the first time Cannick had really taken in his surroundings at Kelvin 's place . " Show off , " said Kelvin . He took a swig of his beer and added : " That guy flies over here every Sunday . Just when I 'm kicking back thinking about how good my life is , there he flies to show me his is even better . His name is Phil Thomas , or Thomas Phillips , or something like that . " " Just think about how many bigger planes he sees when he 's up there , " said Cannick . He got up and stretched . " Anyway man , we 'd better go . It 's getting towards these guys ' feeding time . Thanks for having us . " " She 's fine , just a little under the weather . Summer colds , you know how it is , " said Cannick , walking over to Kit and Elodie . " When did you last see her ? " Cannick picked up the kids and walked over to Kelvin . " No way , " he said . " We 'll definitely sort something out soon . Say goodbye to uncle Kelvin , kids . " " They 're tired . we 'd better get going , " said Cannick . He made for the side gate that led to the sloped driveway out front . " See you soon , give my best to Tadila . " Kelvin patted the top of the car a couple of times as a goodbye . He didn 't look back as he walked towards his front door . Cannick took a couple of deep breaths before he turned on the ignition and let the car roll down the driveway . I was honoured to feature in the latest instalment of Plastic Fortune 's YouTube documentary series People of York , in which creative people in our city talk about the projects they 're working on , what inspires them , and what they think about York . Having finished my first short story collection Pillow Talk for Insomniacs , I 'm now working on a longer novella . You can read the first extract here . You 've lost faith in politics because no one in parliament represents you . Trade unions are things from the 1980s , and demonstrations achieve shit . Suddenly you 're given the chance to make a decision that will actually change something . You would take that chance . Remember that referendum results map of Britain ? I live on that island of gold in the middle of the north of England . I woke up at 5 . 30am last Friday morning and my first three words were " no , no , no " . I 've been pretty pissed off all weekend but the last thing anyone on the internet wants to see is another Europhile 's ode to Brussels . So I 'm making an effort to understand why the sea around me is blue . In another era , they were represented by the Labour party . But while the parties in Westminster have grown closer over the past 20 years , social inequality has widened . Many voters in Labour 's traditional heartlands - in Wales and across the north and east of England - don 't have anyone speaking up for them anymore . The Leave campaign was the first time they had been given a convincing case for something that could actually change their lives for the better , and " take back the country " they had in mind when they weren 't too old to dream . The referendum had given them hope for the first time . Everyone deserves hope . Some of them knew Johnson , Hannan and Farage were talking bollocks on Friday - but threw their hats in the ring anyway . After all there was nothing to lose . The sad thing is that there 's no obvious way that cutting important diplomatic and economic ties with our neighbours will improve anything . In fact it seems like a terrible , irreversible mistake . But I guess I would think that , as someone who has the privilege to understand our establishment and the opportunity to find his way in it - not someone who still needs so much more from their country . Did the hipster eat the last bit of yesterday 's stir fry for breakfast this morning ? Or was it a greasy spoon bacon butty with ketchup ? Would that explain the bloody red stain on his shirt , given to him as a birthday present by his brother a few years ago ? Does the hipster make small talk with the old man sat next to him at the café as he waits for his friend to arrive ? Or with the barista before he ordered his drink ? What do they talk about ? Does the old man , also alone , talk about the graffiti that 's being hosed off the shop shutters across the street ? Is his outrage , based on his friendship with the shop owner , rather than his opinion on the graffiti 's image of a dog with human teeth , spoken ? Has the hipster ever had a conversation with an old person , or a stranger ? Does that explain his nervous nail - biting , a habit that dates back to his early teens ? How long does it take to make the hipster 's flat white with soya milk ? How long should it ? Are some baristas better at making certain drinks than others ? For example , are there cappuccino and mocha specialists ? Are the staff competitive at making designs in the milky froth ? Do some make flowers and others love hearts , and how far does that fall along gender lines ? Or has the cafe got a particular style , based on managerial preference ? Is that style respected even on the manager 's days off ? Will the hipster be relieved when his friend turns up , or does he like being alone with his thoughts ? What does he think about ? His week at work ? His ill mother ? A girl ? Does the hipster worry about the future ? Does the hipster worry about the present ? Does the hipster wonder what his life might be like had he not left his home town and moved to the city ? Does the hipster think his A Levels alone will be enough to get a job that he likes ? How long - term are his hopes and dreams ? Are they based on the ambitions he had as a kid , or on what his peers are doing today ? Does the hipster consider himself a giving person ? Do others ? Has the hipster enough money to spend in the café for the rest of the afternoon ? What 's the hipster 's socio - economic background ? Given his public school education and family - subsidised living situation , does the hipster consider himself privileged ? How does he compare himself with the old man , the barista , or the guys removing the graffiti from the shop shutters ? With whom does he feel closest to ? Has the hipster ever voted ? Does the hipster feel more or less important in the café than he does in his apartment 's living room ? Does he wear those same chinos when he 's lounging around at home , or pyjamas ? Does it depend on who else is around ? How many different pairs of trousers does he have ? Did he buy them all himself ? How does the hipster compare himself with the young men on the table next to his ? Has he noted the difference in quality between his shoes and theirs ? Between his chinos and theirs ? What bits of conversation does he overhear ? Why does he not feel angry when one of them reveals his support for eugenics , given that his mother is critical ill in hospital ? Is it primarily because he 's never felt such affection towards his family , or because she 's been ill a long time ? Or did he just not hear the person properly ? Is the hipster aware of the fact that the café flooded just two months before ? Is he aware that the café 's owner is being investigated for insurance fraud ? How well does the hipster know the café staff ? How well does he think he knows them ? Would he respect their opinions in a political debate ? Does he trust them ? How close is the hipster to other people ? Do people consider him shy or rude for not talking much ? How many people are in his circle of friends , and do they consider him an important part of that circle , or just on the periphery ? To what extent does he define his personal qualities by the memory of one of his first girlfriends saying he was a good listener , as the blue dawn appeared just as everyone else had left the party ? When 's the last time the hipster called his mother ? Are his chats with his father just watered - down versions of these conversations ? Is the hipster even slightly concerned at the health implications the flat white with soya milk will have on his body ? Has he noted the quality of the air in the café ? Is he uncomfortable enough on his wooden chair , which has no cushion , to get up and stand at the bar instead ? Is the hipster tired of hanging out in cafés ? Is he doing what he wants to be doing , or because he feels like he has to ? Is he tired generally ? How well does he sleep ? Is there a Wi - Fi connection in the café ? If yes , is the name and password signposted at the bar , or does it have to be asked for ? How much does the hipster spend a month on his phone ? £ 20 ? £ 40 ? How long does his battery last ? What does that say about him ? The barista behind the bar - who is she ? Is it obvious to people that she 's been working there for many years ? How much does the barista make in tips ? Have they got a tips jar at the bar , or do people just add an extra few pounds onto their bill ? Is it easier for the café owner to distribute the tips one way or the other ? Does the barista take home the tips in cash ? Are they usually less than she expects them to be ? How much less ?
Tickets : Admission is free . He 's already paid for everyone . . . ( He says you wouldn 't have been able to afford it anyway . . . it cost Him everything He had . But you do need to accept the ticket ! ! Gift Suggestions : ; Your life . He 's one of those people who already has everything else . ( He 's very generous in return though . Just wait until you see what He has for you ! ) lambs , a donkey , a cow , an angel and two babies . Oh , dear ! I suppose some set down at the store is missing a Baby Jesus because we have 2 . " if a set is missing a Baby Jesus , call 7126 . Put on your warm coats , it 's freezing cold out there . " The manager of the store copied down mother 's message and the next time they were in the store they saw the cardboard sign that read , " If you 're " Put Baby Jesus back in the box ! What a terrible thing to do , " said the children . " Surely someone will call , " mother said . " We 'll just keep the coats . Father gave a long sigh and headed for the front closet . " I can 't believe I 'm doing this , " he muttered . Tommy and Mary ran ahead as father reluctantly walked out in the cold . Mary got to the store first and pressed her nose up to the store window . " They 're all gone , Daddy , " she shouted . mother 's present . " Then the phone rang . Father yelled " answer the phone and tell ' em we found a home for Jesus . " But it was mother calling with cookies and some milk . " Now what has she gotten us into ? " my father groaned as we bundled up again . " 205 Chestnut . Why that 's across town . there . Why can 't we all just get on with Christmas ? It 's probably 20 below out there now . And the wind is picking up . Of all the crazy things to do on a the milk and cookies . " " Would you mind telling me what is going on , Ethel ? " my father asked . " We have just walked through below zero weather with the wind in our faces all the way . " " Never mind all that now , " my mother interrupted . " There isn 't any heat in this house and this young mother is so upset she doesn 't know what to do . Her husband walked out on her and those poor little children will have a very bleak Christmas , so don 't you complain . I told her you could fix been doing all right until the furnace broke down . " I been doin ' washin ' and ironin ' for people and cleanin ' the five and dime , " she said . " I saw your number every day there , on those boxes on the counter . When the furnace went out , that number kept going ' through my mind . 7162 7162 . Said on the Lord . But I am missin ' heat . I have no money to fix that furnace . " " Okay , Okay , " said father . " You 've come to the right place . Now let 's see . You 've got a little oil burner over there in the dining room . Shouldn 't be too hard to fix . Probably just a clogged flue . I 'll look it over , see what it needs . " Mother came into the living room carrying a plate of cookies and warm milk . As she set the cups down on the coffee table , I noticed the figure the house . The children stared wide - eyed with wonder at the plate of cookies my mother set before them . Father finally got the oil burner working but said , " You need more oil . I 'll make a few calls tonight and get some oil . inside the door when he was on the phone . " Ed , hey , how are ya , Ed ? " " Yes , Merry Christmas to you , too . Say Ed , we have kind of an unusual situation here . I know you 've got that pick - up truck . Do you still have some oil in that barrel on your truck ? You do ? " By this time the rest of the family were Each December , I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience . I had cut back on nonessential obligations - extensive card writing , endless baking , decorating , and even overspending . Yet still , I found myself exhausted , unable to appreciate the precious family moments , and of course , the true meaning of Christmas . My son , Nicholas , was in kindergarten that year . It was an exciting season for a six year old . For weeks , he 'd been memorizing songs for his school 's " Winter Pageant . " I didn 't have the heart to tell him I 'd be working the night of the production . Unwilling to miss his shining moment , I spoke with his teacher . She assured me there 'd be a dress rehearsal the morning of the presentation . All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then . Fortunately , Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise . So , the morning of the dress rehearsal , I filed in ten minutes early , found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down . Around the room , I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats . As I waited , the students were led into the room . Each class , accompanied by their teacher , sat cross - legged on the floor . Then , each group , one by one , rose to perform their song . Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday as " Christmas , " I didn 't expect anything other than fun , commercial entertainment - songs of reindeer , Santa Claus , snowflakes and good cheer . So , when my son 's class rose to sing , " Christmas Love , " I was slightly taken aback by its bold title . Nicholas was aglow , as were all of his classmates , adorned in fuzzy mittens , red sweaters , and bright snowcaps upon their heads . Those in the front row - center stage - held up large letters , one by one , to spell out the title of the song . As the class would sing " C is for Christmas , " a child would hold up the letter C . Then , " H is for Happy , " and on and on , until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message , " Christmas Love . " The performance was going smoothly , until suddenly , we noticed her ; a small , quiet , girl in the front row holding the letter " M " upside down - totally unaware her letter " M " appeared as a " W " . The audience of 1st through 6th graders snickered at this little one 's mistake . But she had no idea they were laughing at her , so she stood tall , proudly holding her " W " . Although many teachers tried to shush the children , the laughter continued until the last letter was raised , and we all saw it together . A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen . In that instant , we understood - the reason we were there , why we celebrated the holiday in the first place , why even in the chaos , there was a purpose for our festivities . For when the last letter was held high , the message read loud and clear : " CHRIST WAS LOVE " And , I believe , He still is . " All I Need to Know I Learned From a Snowman " The School Play Halloween was history and Thanksgiving day had passed . St Anne 's School was all a - buzz . It was time to start getting ready for the school 's Christmas Pageant . A party from Hebron came just at nightfall , and , since I knew them all , I could not turn them away . Joseph told me that he was from Nazareth , up in the hill country of Galilee . He thought , of course , he could have a place to stay . And , as he asked me , he looked toward Mary and knew that I would understand . I did understand , and I tried to think which of the men I could ask to move and make place for the couple . But how could I ask these customers of mine to inconvenience themselves : After all , I did not know Joseph and Mary . I said to myself , O well , somebody will look after them . I must not disturb the others , and it is a beautiful star - lit and quiet manners . And the woman , she was like a princess . I wish now , that I had said to the men in my inn , " We must make a place for this man and this woman from Galilee ! " But I didn 't , and I am sorry . After all , they might , have been people of consequence . The Real Santa I remember my first Christmas party with Grandma . I was just a kid . I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb : " There is no Santa Claus , " she jeered . " Even dummies know that ! " My grandma was not the gushy kind , never had been . I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with her everything . She was ready for me . " No Santa Claus ! " she snorted . " Ridiculous ! Don 't believe it . That rumor has been going around for years , and it makes me mad , plain mad . Now , put on your coat , and let 's go . " " Go ? Go where , Grandma ? " I asked . I hadn 't even finished my second cinnamon bun . " Where " turned out to be Kerby 's General Store , the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything . As we walked through its doors , Grandma handed me ten dollars . That was a bundle in those walked out of Kerby 's . I was only eight years old . I 'd often gone shopping with my mother , but never had I shopped for anything all by myself . The store seemed big and messy hair , and he sat right behind me in Mrs . Pollock 's grade - two class . Bobbie Decker didn 't have a coat . I knew that because he never went out for recess during the winter . His mother and he didn 't have a coat . I fingered the ten - dollar bill with growing excitement . I would buy Bobbie Decker a coat . I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it . It looked real warm , and he would like that . " Is this a Christmas present for someone ? " the lady behind the counter asked kindly , as I laid my ten dollars down . smiled at me . I didn 't get any change , but she put the coat in a bag and wished me a Merry Christmas . That evening , Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons , and write , " To Bobbie , From Santa Claus " walk . Then Grandma gave me a nudge . " All right , Santa Claus , " she whispered , " get going . " I took a deep breath , dashed for his front door , threw the present down on his step , pounded his doorbell and flew back open . Finally it did , and there stood Bobbie . Forty years haven 't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering , beside my grandma , in Bobbie Decker 's Santa was alive and well , and we were on his team . We were the only family with children in the restaurant . I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love relationship . Erik in an act of total trust , love , and submission laid his tiny head upon the man 's ragged shoulder . The This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he had battled for four years . He died on December 14 , 1997 . He gave this to his Mom before he died . His name was Ben . Christmas is for love . It is for joy , for giving and sharing , for laughter , for reuniting with family and friends , for tinsel and brightly decorated packages . But mostly , Christmas is for love . I had not believed this until a small elf - like student with wide - eyed innocent eyes and soft rosy cheeks gave me a wondrous gift one Christmas . Mark was an 11 year old orphan who lived with his aunt , a bitter middle aged woman greatly annoyed with the burden of caring for her dead sister 's son . She never failed to remind young Mark , if it hadn 't been for her generosity , he would be a vagrant , homeless waif . Still , with all the scolding and chilliness at home , he was a sweet and gentle child . I had not noticed Mark particularly until he began staying after class each day ( at the risk of arousing his aunt 's anger , I later found ) to help me straighten up the room . We did this quietly and comfortably , not speaking much , but enjoying the solitude of that hour of the day . When we did talk , Mark spoke mostly of his mother . Though he was quite small when she died , he remembered a kind , gentle , loving woman , who always spent much time with him . As Christmas drew near however , Mark failed to stay after school each day . I looked forward to his coming , and when the days passed and he continued to scamper hurriedly from the room after class , I stopped him one afternoon and asked why he no longer helped me in the room . I told him how I had missed him , and his large gray eyes lit up eagerly as he replied , " Did you really miss me ? " I explained how he had been my best helper . " I was making you a surprise , " he whispered confidentially . " It 's for Christmas . " With that , he became embarrassed and dashed from the room . He didn 't stay after school any more after that . Finally came the last school day before Christmas . Mark crept slowly into the room late that afternoon with his hands concealing something behind his back . " I have your present , " he said timidly when I looked up . " I hope you like it . " He held out his hands , and there lying in his sIt was just a few more days until Christmas in San Francisco , and the shopping downtown was starting to get to us . I remember crowds of people waiting impatiently for slow - moving buses and streetcars on those little cement islands in the middle of the street . Most of us were loaded down with packages , and it looked like many of us were beginning to wonder if all those countless friends and relatives actually deserved so many gifts in the first place . This was not the Christmas spirit I 'd been raised with . When I finally found myself virtually shoved up the steps of a jammed streetcar , the idea of standing there packed like a sardine the whole way home was almost more than I could take . What I would have given for a seat ! I must have been in some kind of exhausted daze because as people gradually got off , it took me a while to notice that there was room to breathe again . Then I saw something out of the corer of my eye . A small , dark - skinned boy , he couldn 't have been more than five or six , tugged on a woman 's sleeve and asked , " Would you like a seat ? " He quietly led her to the closest free seat he could find . Then he set out to find another tired person . As soon as each rare , new seat became available , he would quickly move through the crowd in search of another burdened woman who desperately needed to rest her feet . When I finally felt the tug on my own sleeve , I was absolutely dazzled by the beauty in this little boy 's eyes . He took my hand , saying , " Come with me , " and I think I 'll remember that smile as long as I live . As I happily placed my heavy load of packages on the floor , the little emissary of love immediately turned to help his next subject . The people on the streetcar , as usual , had been studiously avoiding each other 's eyes , but now they began to exchange shy glances and smiles . A businessman offered a section of newspaper to the stranger next to him ; three people stooped to return a gift that had tumbled to the floor . And now people were speaking to one another . That little boy had tangibly changed something , we all relaxed into a subtle feeling of warmth and actually enjoyed the trip through the final stops along the route . I didn 't notice when the child got off . I looked up at one point and he was gone . When I reached my stop I practically floated off that streetcar , wishing the driver a happy holiday , noticing the sparkling Christmas lights on my street in a fresh , new way . Or maybe I was seeing them in an old way , with the same open wonder I felt when I was five or six . I thought , " So that 's what they mean by And a little child shall lead them . . . . " supposed to be so wonderful . So why isn 't it ? " Kimberley shifted packages again , and looked at her three young sons . Their moods seemed no cheerier muttered the eldest , his lip thrust out in frustration . Kimberley felt guilty . " Moms have so much influence on the spirit of the family , " she says . " If we 're just a shouldn 't carry the same vague sadness that she did . And yet … She glanced around at the other families in line . They were all like hers , she realized , the kids Bring Christmas to the mall . Sing . Kimberley sighed . It was no use . She knew that Voice . And hadn 't she asked Him where Christmas was ? threw her out of the mall , for disturbing the peace ? You 're bringing the peace , the answer came . Sing . The children behind her had stopped arguing . " Listen , " one whispered to the other . " That lady 's singing . " would never speak to her again . But … Was it her imagination , or did she hear another voice ? And another ? Yes , the couple in front of her joined her . Even her own offspring . It was true ! Little risks could lead to wonderful things . And she was feeling better , her spirit soothed , her unnecessary . Sadly , though , I watch the world , and see how jaded we have all become . Yes , Aaron , even I fall victim to it on excitement on the faces of the children of the world . While I know that all of the children writing letters to me are looking for something , it is something I can give . I know they all want something , as I know that you want something . You can 't fool old St . Nick , my dear ! You want this gift to be returned . The only gift this Christmas that is meant to be given back , and shared with all . given . Your gifts are numerous , as are the gifts of all humanity , and if you wish to share what you have , you must do it yourself . However , I can help , in one small regard . I hope you don 't mind , but choir 's cantata but do not focus on Christ , I have missed the point . Love stops the cooking to hug the child . Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband . Love is kind , though harried and tired . Love doesn 't envy another 's home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens . Love doesn 't yell at the kids to get out of the way , but is thankful they are there to be in the way . Love doesn 't give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can 't . Love bears all things , believes all things , hopes all things , endures all things . Love never fails . Video games will break , pearl necklaces will be lost , golf clubs will rust . But giving the gift of love will endure . Merry Christmas Author Unknown From Dr . Seuss : And the Grinch , with his grinch - feet ice - cold in the snow , Stood puzzling and puzzling : " How could it be so ? " " It came with out ribbons ! It came without tags ! " " It came without packages , boxes or bags ! " And he puzzled three hours , till his puzzler was sore . Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn 't before ! " Maybe Christmas , " he thought , " doesn 't come from a store . " buy me the rifle that I 'd wanted for Christmas . We did the chores early that night for some reason . I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible . After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible . I was still feeling outside . I couldn 't figure it out because we had already done all the chores . I didn 't worry about it long though , I was too busy wallowing in self - pity . Soon Pa came back in . It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard . " Come on , Matt , " he said . " Bundle up good , it 's cold out tonight . " I cap , coat , and mittens . Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house . Something was up , but I didn 't know what . Outside , I became even more dismayed . There in front of the house was the work team , already hitched to the big sled . Whatever it was we were going to do wasn 't going to be a short , quick , little job . I could tell . We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load . Pa was already up on the seat , reins in hand . I reluctantly climbed up beside him . The cold was already biting at me . I wasn 't happy . When I was on , Pa pulled the sled around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed . He got off and I followed . " I think we 'll put on the high sideboards , " he said . " Here , help me . " The high sideboards ! It had been a bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on , but whatever it was we were down from the mountain , and then all Fall sawing into blocks and splitting . What was he doing ? Finally I said something . " Pa , " I asked , " what are you doing ? " You been by the Widow Jensen 's lately ? " he asked . The Widow Jensen lived about two miles down the road . Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children , the oldest being eight . Sure , I 'd been by , but so what ? " Yeah , " I said , " Why ? " " I rode by just today , " Pa That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the woodshed for another armload of wood . I followed him . We loaded the sled so high down a big ham and a side of bacon . He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait . When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand . " What 's in the little sack ? " I asked . " Shoes . They 're out of shoes . Little Jakey just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this morning . I got We rode the two miles to Widow Jensen 's pretty much in silence . I tried to think through what Pa was doing . We didn 't have much by worldly standards . candy ? Really , why was he doing any of this ? Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us ; it shouldn 't have been our concern . We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible , then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door . We knocked . The door opened a crack and a timid voice said , " Who is it ? " " Lucas Miles , Ma ' am , and my son , Matt . Could we come in for a bit ? " in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly gave off any heat at all . Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp . " We brought you a few things , Ma ' am , " Pa said and set down the sack of flour . I put the meat on the table . Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes best , shoes that would last . I watched her carefully . She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks . She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something , but it wouldn 't come out . " We brought a load of wood too , Ma ' am , " Pa said . He turned to me and said , " Matt , go bring in enough to last awhile . Let 's get that fire up to size and heat this place up . " I wasn 't the same person when I went back out to bring in the wood . I had a big lump in my throat and as much as I hate to gratitude in her heart that she couldn 't speak . My heart swelled within me and a joy that I 'd never known before , filled my soul . I had given at looked on with a smile that probably hadn 't crossed her face for a long time . She finally turned to us . " God bless you , " she said . " I know the Lord has after Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true . I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth . I started Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left . I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get . Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the right sizes . Tears were running down Widow Jensen 's face again when we stood up to leave . Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug . They eleven . It 'll be nice to have some little ones around again . Matt , here , hasn 't been little for quite a spell . " I was the youngest . My two brothers and two sisters had all married and had moved away . Widow Jensen nodded and said , " Thank you , Brother Miles . I don 't have to say , " ' May the Lord bless you , ' I know for certain that He will . " Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I didn 't even notice the cold . When we had gone a ways , Pa turned to me and said , but we didn 't have quite enough . Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came by to make things square . Your ma and me were real excited , thinking that now his feet wrapped in those gunny sacks and I knew what I had to do . Son , I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children . I hope you understand . " I understood , and my eyes became wet with tears again . I understood very well , and I was so glad Pa had done it . Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities . Pa had given me a lot more . He had given me the look on Widow Jensen 's face and the radiant smiles of her three children . riding home beside Pa that night . Pa had given me much more than a rifle that night , he had given me the best Christmas of my life . DIME STORE ANGEL It was just a Christmas Angel , that my Mom put on our tree . She bought it at a five and dime , when I was only three . Each year we 'd trim our Christmas tree , with lights and ornaments . Then Mom would always tell me , what the Angel represents . The Angels came to tell the shepherds , of the Christ Child 's birth . And , Angels are still here with us , to guide us here on earth . The Angel on our Christmas tree , was made in such a way . That if the light inside burned out , you just threw it away . The light burned out when I was twelve , the Angel would not shine . But , Mom would not throw it away , she said it looked just fine . She loved that little Angel , that she put upon our tree . She said it didn 't need a light , for anyone to see . Then I grew up , and I moved out to start my family . And , I 'd go home at Christmas time , to help her trim her tree . My wife and children went with me , to mom 's house every year . The house was filled with love and joy , as we shared Christmas cheer . The kids would always say to her , " The Angel is burned out . " Then , she would smile and tell them , what the Angel 's all about . She told another reason , for it 's specialty . Your daddy picked that Angel out , when he was only three . My mother passed away this year , early in the spring . And then I had the painful task , of going through her things . The beautiful old house she owned , was left me in her will . We moved back in the summertime , we feel her in it still . Early in December , we brought out our Christmas tree . I went up to the attic , just to see what I could see . I saw a cardboard box , with markings , " Ornaments and stuff . " And in it was the little Angel , that she loved so much . I brought the cardboard box downstairs , and showed the family . Then they persuaded me to put the Angel on our tree . We trimmed the tree that weekend , and we talked of Christmas past . Then when the tree was finally done , the Angel wenChristmas spirits and good will toward men . Use the mixture to fill , warm heart , where it ~ It 's okay if you 're a little bottom heavy . ~ Hold your ground , even when the heat is on . ~ Wearing white is always appropriate . ~ Winter is the best of the four seasons . ~ It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection . ~ There 's nothing better than a foul weather friend . . ~ The key to life is to be a jolly , happy soul . ~ We 're all made up of mostly water . ~ You know you 've made it when they write a song about you . ~ Accessorize ! Accessorize ! Accessorize ! ~ Don 't get too much sun . ~ It 's embarrassing when you can 't look down and see your feet . ~ It 's fun to hang out in your front yard . ~ Always put your best foot forward . ~ There 's no stopping you once you 're on a roll . 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A classic - a brown paper bag serving as the coveted toy . Twice we had put it in the recycle bin . What use had it once the candy cane and fruit from the Christmas Eve church service had been eaten ? Each time , Ethan asked where his paper bag was , so we got it out . Who can blame him ? It fit perfectly into his new little wagon . Thursday , December 2 , 2010 After a long period of treating his new train set with the utmost care and kindness , Ethan eventually decided to " dismantle " it . Not knowing how long a new layout would last , our reconstruction was a simple circuit that spared most of the set . We didn 't know what a blessing this would be until one day when I came downstairs and noticed Ethan linking tracks together . He wanted some help with the bridge , but otherwise , this is a layout he " engineered " all by himself . Tuesday , November 30 , 2010 Previously , the single word " I - did - it " meant " I want to do it " ( or sometimes actually " I did it " ) . For the last few months , Ethan has been saying " aba " for " I want " . For example , " Aba games " can mean he wants me to bring Big Blanky Bun to life to play with him . This works for food too , such as " Aba apple " or the general " Aba hungry . " This evening Ethan was " reading " a storybook to himself , flipping through the pages , inventing narration for each . He used a voice for Cookie Monster , who was telling about what foods he wanted . Cookie Monster didn 't use the Ethan shorthand , however ; Cookie Monster said , " I want apple " , " I want carrot " , etc . Personally , having a fondness for the cuteness of Ethan 's language , I hope Cookie Monster doesn 't teach Ethan grammar lessons too soon . Tuesday , November 16 , 2010 Ethan has transitioned from random scribbles to meaningful shapes . His first images were the moon , stars , and a man . His paintbrush was a water pen . The canvas turns from white to blue as it gets wet ( then goes back to white as it dries ) . Thursday , November 11 , 2010 Beth was reading Clara Cow Wraps Up Warm to Ethan . On one page , Ethan pointed to two mice . Beth , being cute , said , " Oh look , two mousies . " Ethan said , " No . Uh uh . Mice . " Monday , November 8 , 2010 Mommy put on Ethan 's shirt , but had to wait for some reason to put his pants on . Ethan 's reaction : " Mommy , doesn 't match ! " Thursday , October 21 , 2010 The early evenings and cool nights of Autumn bring new joys , including the joy of teaching our little one something we take for granted . Ethan and I were walking outside , and as the sun went down , it turned a bit cool while remaining breezy . Ethan had his warm wool coat on , but no mittens . I noticed that I had placed my hands in my coat pockets and thought Ethan might want to as well . I felt Ethan 's hands ; they were indeed cool . So I showed him how to slip his hands under the coat pocket flaps and into the pockets . Then I got to watch him run through the leaf piles , hands in pockets . What a cute site ! Later inside , I took him to a dark room to show him the moonlight on the carpet . He touched the carpet to see what it felt like . He also got to see how he and Bunny cast a shadow in the moonlight . Finally I showed him a phenomenon that probably made no sense to him , although he didn 't seem to mind : When we turn on the room light , the moonlight disappears , and when we turn it off , it comes back . Sunday , October 10 , 2010 As Ethan was jumping in a leaf pile , he must have remembered the all the pictures I took earlier in the season . He said to me , " I want Daddy pictures . " I had to run into the house to get the camera , but he made it worth my while . He started doing all kinds of tricks . After each one , he would run next to me to look at the picture I 'd just taken . Saturday , October 9 , 2010 It was a perfect celestial autumn evening : cool , calm , not a cloud in the sky , and the half moon tucked safely below the horizon , which was a soft blue gradient in the afterglow of the set sun . Ethan spotted the first star , then more stars , as we lay atop his backyard play set . Slowly , the sky filled with them . I carried Ethan along the meadow path , the street lights and lights from neighbors ' windows hidden by the tree line . We heard geese honking in the river and saw an occasional gaggle fly overhead . As we approached , we could make out their shape against the glowing horizon 's reflection on the water , until finally , with a step too close and an ill - timed crouch , the shadows fled as we heard the stirring water , flapping wings , and excited calls . In the ensuing quiet , we took in the now fuller sky - its brilliant stars , its red planet twinkling lustrously , along the horizon chasing after the sun . We even saw the occasional moving star , blinking red and white - airplanes , as Ethan learned . In the north , hanging low like a ladle of cream sufficient to satisfy every kitten that could possibly be hiding in the sky , was the Big Dipper . It stood out bright and bold as I showed Ethan the handle and the cup . The seven points of light in the sky were clear to Ethan like a picture in a story book . Later , when we were walking up the back yard , I asked him if he could show me the Big Dipper . First , he pointed randomly at the sky . I said , no , find the Big Dipper in sky . He searched around , and just has I had pointed out the famous asterism 15 minutes earlier , this time , he pointed it out to me . Ethan loves his train set . Earlier this year , Ethan 's grandpa and uncle teamed up to make play tables for the grandkids . Next , I protected Ethan 's table with non - toxic Clear Coat from The Old Fashioned Milk Paint Co . And finally , today , the train set arrived . We set it up while he was napping . When he saw it , our often wild monkey was surprisingly quiet , studying the trains and tracks . As he carefully guided the trains , he seemed more like a child playing with a new chess board than the kid in a candy store I was expecting . There is a product called SureTrack that locks the tracks together . We 'd read reviews that said it was a must have for this type of train set . It doesn 't look like Ethan will have a use for it . The SureTrack packaging says it 's for ages 3 and up ; after seeing Ethan playing today , it 's hard to imagine a child that age needing it . After the three of us played together for about a half hour , the toy held his attention for I don 't know how long before it was time for dinner , a walk outside , and sleepy - sleepy - now . For a moment , it looked like pulling himself away would be too great a challenge , but the promise of playing more later changed his mind , making the experience enjoyable from end to end . Update : When Ethan woke up the next morning , the first words out of his mouth were , " Downstairs . Choo choo train . " He played trains for hour before coming up for breakfast . Wednesday , September 29 , 2010 Tonight for dinner , grapes were the bargaining chips ( in exchange for spaghetti squash , mostly ) . Ethan decided he wanted two grapes . I told him that to get two , he needed to earn one ( a bite of squash ) , not eat it , and then earn another . It took a few tries , since the grapes are so tempting , but he figured it out . After enjoying the fruits of his labor , he decided he wanted three grapes . He saved up for that , too . Saturday , September 25 , 2010 From upstairs Beth heard the sound of piano playing - not a song , just playing around : some glissandos and simple notes . She had to go downstairs to look . Was it Daddy just toying around , or was it Ethan ? She found it was Ethan , who has now discovered a more delicate form of expression on piano . Tuesday , August 24 , 2010 Ethan belly slid down the stairs and came running to me : " Ouey ! Ouey ! Boo bun ! " I got the rabbit - wrapped ice pack from the freezer and asked where it hurt . Instead of answering , Ethan just ran back up the stairs . It was Mommy who was hurt . Ethan had accidentally poked her near the eye with a corner of a book . I was surprised , since Ethan 's tone and intensity were exactly as if he had been hurt . I was also proud and quite thankful for a boy who cares so much for his mother . Tuesday , August 17 , 2010 Ethan 's favorite stuffed animal , Big Blanky Bun , has a twin . We bought two so that we 'd have a backup in case one gets lost . Neither one is set aside ; they 're both in active service . Ethan knows this , and if he doesn 't have both at bed time , he usually asks for " two bunnies " . If they 're readily locatable , then fine , but if not , we let Ethan know " just one bunny tonight " ( otherwise , the whole backup plan goes right out the window ) . Tonight Ethan wanted some reassurance . He wanted to know that both bunnies were safely at home , even if not with him for bedtime . Fortunately , he took my word when I confirmed his timid assertion , " Two bunnies home . " Monday , August 16 , 2010 Ethan likes to climb onto the ottoman , then jump off so that I can catch him while lying on the floor . He calls this " Bug jump Daddy " . Today , Ethan told me it was Big Blanky Bun 's turn to do the jumping . Of course , Ethan took plenty of turns , too . Sunday , August 15 , 2010 Ethan 's favorite toys are probably the little wooden vehicles we bought from a local craftsman . We only have a few , and now Ethan has a request : " More tractor . " Thursday , July 29 , 2010 What better way to go for a wagon ride than sporting a hat and scarf that Mommy is sizing up in preparation for Hollandfest ? Only something was different this time : instead of me pulling Ethan in the wagon , our little boy was walking down the street beside me pulling his bunny behind him . Tuesday , July 13 , 2010 Sometimes Ethan 's questions make me realize how much everyday knowledge I take for granted . Today , he was asking what gets mowed with a lawn mower . The grass ? Yes . The mulch under the neighbor 's tree ? No . The driveway ? No . Monday , July 12 , 2010 Ethan has four music boxes in his bedroom , some or all of which we wind as part of the bedtime ritual . Depending on how well studied he is of late in the Big Book of Bedtime Stalling Tactics , the ritual can outlast the springs on some of the music boxes . Today at naptime , Beth wound up the windmill , the bear , the lion , and the round music box , but before she could take her leave , Ethan asked her to wind the windmill back up . Since there were still three music boxes playing on , Beth hadn 't realized it was stopped . But Ethan knew . Shortly after Beth wound the windmill , Ethan asked her to wind the lion , which had now stopped . After Beth took care of the lion , finally he was ready to nap . I 'm reminded of when Ethan critiqued an opus ; he sure knows his sounds ! Saturday , July 3 , 2010 Ethan chose Dr . Seuss 's Mr . Brown Can Moo ! Can You ? for his bedtime story . After " He can go like a train " , he turned several pages at once , landing on " he can even make a noise like a goldfish kiss " . The page skip might have been intentional because the next page was his favorite , " Mr . Brown makes thunder ! " He had been talking about that sound . Quickly then the book came to The End - too quickly for Ethan . I was about to put the book on his dresser when he started flipping backward and forward through the pages . He skipped pages we 'd already read , ending up on a fresh page . So I read a few more pages , and we made more wonderful sounds , just like like Mr . Brown can do . Then after a little bit of Big and Little Nutbrown Hare , it was off to bed . Friday , June 25 , 2010 As I was about to put Ethan 's pajamas on him , he started saying " monkey " and pointing . It turned out he had a favorite pair in mind . Not wanting him to roast that warm summer night , I was grateful for his pliability in considering other nightwear . Thursday , June 17 , 2010 While Beth was at voice and violin lessons , Ethan and I took a stroll in the meadow behind our house late this afternoon . I caught a frog for Ethan to see and touch . Later we followed a turkey . It was walking along the same path as us , about fifteen steps ahead ( Daddy steps , that is ) . Eventually , the turkey left the path into the tall grass , which we thought was the end of our fowl adventure . However , further on , the path came right up to the river . As we approached the bank , just a few steps in front of us , the same turkey darted out of the tall grass , got a good running start , and flew across the river into a tree on the other side . ( This turkey was alone , which is unusual . It had been on our deck hours earlier and was at the end of our yard just before we went on our stroll . ) We had many other fun little adventures - broad patches of tall grass gone to seed , flowers , lone daisies , moths , butterflies , even stretches of path that were soggy wet ( but thankfully not muddy , so wearing quality sandals and carrying Ethan worked well ) . We fought off the mosquitoes in the deep woods and appreciated their absence when we returned to the open meadow . Ethan had a wonderful time . He walked himself the entire way , except where it was wet . In the past , we would carry him or pull him in the wagon much of the time . Finally though , he hit a limit . Weary from the journey , Ethan stopped , looked at me , and said , " Home . " He didn 't realize we were already heading home and were half way there . I picked him up so I could show him our destination in the distance : home . Monday , June 14 , 2010 Sitting at our friend Bill 's dining room table , we all had organic vanilla ice cream for dessert . Ethan finished his bowl about the same time as the rest of us . He turned to me and said " more ice cream " . As impressed as I was with the three - word construction , unfortunately , he 'd had all that we wanted him to have for now , and so I had to gently give him an answer that he didn 't want to hear . So he asked Mommy . ( She said no , too . ) Dislocated thumb ? Ethan found an entertaining ride during our recent visit to an elderly friend 's house . We brought dinner , and while Beth was preparing the final touches , Ethan asked to ride the motorized stair lift . Normally Bill , who can no longer walk , uses it to get up or down the stairway . For Ethan , however , the lift was an ongoing source of amusement , once I showed him how to use the rocker switch at the end of the right arm rest to command the chair 's movement . After countless round trips , Ethan hopped off and came over to join us as we started eating . At the table , Ethan pointed to his left thumb and complained that it hurt . This was the thumb he had used push and hold the rocker switch , something that required a lot of force for him . As I looked at it , I was shocked . It looked completely out of place ! I took his hand and started to examine what I believed to be a dislocated thumb , but was quickly relieved to find that in reality , he was just fine . I showed him how to do some thumb exercises , and then he felt fine . While comparing his thumbs , I was impressed by his far - reaching range of motion . Unless something changes as he grows up , I think Ethan will be double jointed . Saturday , June 5 , 2010 While I was changing Ethan , he pulled on his face to make a silly expression . Where he got the idea from , I have no idea . While cute in its own way , I didn 't want to encourage the behavior , so I downplayed it as best I could . Still , Ethan could tell I was surprised . At the first opportunity , he ran to the full length mirror in our bedroom to take a look at his handiwork . If you can summarize a boy 's character by guessing what kind of clown he will be when he grows up , I 'm predicting Resourceful Clown . Saturday , May 15 , 2010 Early this week , we had a few evenings in a row with clear skies . After 7 : 00 when Ethan goes to bed , the sun is now low in the horizon , getting ready to set . The way his room is oriented , the sun projects a screen just above his crib , providing a perfect stage for shadow puppet theater . Ethan likes Beth 's bunny and my dog , moose , and butterfly . But the one shadow he asks for by name is " Bun " ; that 's what he calls the shadow cast by an animated Big Blanky Bun . Unfortunately , Bun had to cancel the last three days due to technical difficulties ( clouds ) . This was a big disappointment to Ethan . One night I tried to cheer him up by breaking out into song : " The sun will come out tomorrow … " Ethan was not impressed . It turned out not to be true , anyway . Tonight , however , the sun was back out , and so were the bedtime shadow puppets . Another Ethan first : He toyed with Daddy . Sometimes when food - bargaining with Ethan , to get him to eat his veggies , it 's helpful to remind him of the yummy strawberry , cheese , cracker , etc . , that awaits the disappearance of a few green beans or the like . To get his attention , sometimes I hold the strawberry ( or whatever ) within his reach , and ask him if we wants it , only to respond to his acceptance with the " after you eat your beans " condition . Ethan often tries to take the food , which has turned into a game to see who is quicker . Fortunately , we both enjoy the whole experience . I had the tables turned on me today . Ethan took a piece of strawberry from his plate and offered it to me . This was unusual , since he likes that fruit so much , but he had eaten quite a bit already and sometimes offers food when he 's getting full . As I reached to accept the strawberry , he quickly pulled his hand back and popped the piece into his mouth . He had his typical look of knowing he got away with something . Indeed , he certainly got the best of me . Friday , May 14 , 2010 This morning , Beth and Ethan were playing with his barn . Beth held two of the little barnyard animals , a squirrel and a cat , pretending to that that the animals were talking to each other . Ethan took a turn , making little " talking sounds " for the toys . Later , Beth took Ethan grocery shopping . Ethan rode in the shopping cart along with Big Blanky Bun . Ethan brought the stuffed rabbit to life as he never had before . The rabbit was observant , looking over the edge of the cart . The blue and white bun also spoke his first words : " Hi There ! " Wednesday , May 12 , 2010 Ethan has been stringing words together for many months now . " Ice cream " was among the first , and shortly after came " I did it " ( which to this day also means " I want to do it " ) . Today at the museum , we heard something new : two words that Ethan put together himself . He used the words to describe one of the other museum patrons , a man of average height but above average width , someone who could be politely described as plump , a bit round , or as Ethan simply put it , a " big man " . Saturday , May 8 , 2010 We have long employing bargaining to help Ethan to eat healthy foods . Most of the time , we put some of the less tasty food on his plate first , and when that is gone , put the down some of a favorite . Today , I used three phases : some green beans , then a piece of avocado , and finally … . a raspberry - yum ! After several rounds of those three , I switched to oatmeal and currents . These , rather than have Ethan eat them serially , I combined into single - byte spoonfuls . After a few spoonfuls , it decided to try something new . I put the oatmeal and currents in front of Ethan and asked him to scoop the oatmeal and add the currents himself . And so he did ! The temptation to sneak the currents directly was still there , however , necessitating Beth taking over supervision when I left to get the camera . Friday , May 7 , 2010 I was making pizza for the couple dozen teenagers converging on our house for TrueU . Ethan was " helping " , which was beginning to mean a big floury mess . So I asked him to help for real , specifically to get me a spoon to spread the pizza sauce . He knew just where to go . In no time at all , the sauce was laid , and it was time for the mozzarella - I sprinkled and Ethan snacked ! Thursday , April 22 , 2010 Ethan and I made a last - minute trip to the theater where Beth plays in the orchestra . I was expediting the publication of a booklet that accompanied an anniversary gift for the maestro . After my work was done , Ethan and I stayed around to listen to a bit of the rehearsal , since he doesn 't go to the concerts yet . We went up to the balcony of the theater , where Ethan looked on at the playing with sustained interest as the orchestra concluded a short piece . With the music stopped , Ethan 's interest waned , and so we made our way to the balcony exit ramp . As we started down , the orchestra began playing another piece . Ethan turned around to see , and we headed back to our front row seats . Ethan was captivated throughout the whole piece , which the orchestra played without interruption from the maestro for about five minutes . The opus was a jazz violin concerto . Among its unusual features was an ending with the solo violinist playing a squeaky high note on his E string backed by a dissonant chord from the orchestra . The last measure concluded , and the hall fell into a momentary silence , broken by a brief commentary from Ethan : " uh oh " . Wednesday , April 21 , 2010 The equipment was a birthday present ( 2 years today ) . On his very first try he hit what might have been a seeing - eye single between the first and second basemen . Monday , April 19 , 2010 Supposedly , Ethan is learning by watching us , but I don 't remember showboating " Look ma , no hands ! " any time since he was born . Regardless , swinging in the back yard has taken on a new adventure for him now that he has gone hands free . This no hands business has carried over to other areas , such as when I give him the bouncies while while carrying him down the stairs . That 's all good , so long as he doesn 't try to pull his stunt on his play set on the regular ( non - infant ) swing . Sunday , April 11 , 2010 This was also the first time I saw him get really frustrated . A couple times , he didn 't know which leg to push with , but with some persistence , he figured out the sequence and was on his way . See video Monday , April 5 , 2010 Mommy has been reading Mr . Brown Can Moo ! Can You ? to Ethan lately . One of the things Mr . Brown can do is whisper . Tonight when I whispered " good night " to Ethan as I was leaving his room , he whispered back , " good night " . Sunday , April 4 , 2010 Ethan was not a happy camper at bedtime tonight . We were thinking we 'd just have to put him in the crib and hope for Sucka to come to the rescue , but then through the overwhelming sadness I heard " milk " . We had just brushed his teeth , so I offered him water instead : I put him in the crib as I told him , " Wait here and I 'll be back in a minute with some water . " To my surprise , he immediately stopped crying and looked at me with anticipation . It was the first time he was so clearly swayed by a promise of something he had to wait this long for : he understood what I offered , even though he couldn 't see it at the moment , and he was content to wait alone a minute for me to run downstairs and get him some water . When I got back up , he was still content , and then very happy to have his water . With that , sleep came easy . Saturday , March 27 , 2010 Ethan has gone down the slide on the neighbor 's play set dozens of times , most recently all by himself by climbing the arched ladder to the platform . Today , to inaugurate our purchase and relocation of the play set , he took the most direct way into the tower : straight up the vertical ladder . See video Saturday , March 13 , 2010 Exactly two months after learning to pop open the jack - in - the - box , Ethan can now perform the delicate act of reclosing it . This is no simple task , as his jack is a little butterfly with wings that tend to get in the way of closing the lid . It helps that Ethan has little hands , one to hold down the butterfly and slip out at the last second while the other closes the lid . Thursday , March 4 , 2010 When Ethan wants something , he 'll often emphatically repeat a word related to what he wants . If I don 't understand what he 's asking , I 'll tell him , " Show me what you want . " Then he will point and if need be walk over to whatever he wants to eat , discover , or play with . This happened today when he wanted something that sounded like " bay " ; however , his usual directness in leading me was replaced by tentativeness . He slowly led me through a few rooms , retracing his path a few times , repeating " bay " as he pointed in front of him . As the journey lengthened , his version of dismayed desperation was welling up in him . Fortunately , he spotted Big Blanky Bun lying on the dinette floor , and I realized that for the first time , he couldn 't have shown me what he wanted , because he hadn 't known where it was . But now he did , and as soon as he scooped up his bun , Sucka came and contentment reigned . At the fellowship meal after church today , I watched Ethan reach up to the serving table and take a cookie . Then , to my surprise , he came over by me and held up the cookie , as if to ask whether he could have it . I said yes since I was so glad that he asked and because it was a rather healthy type of cookie . Of course , my decision was also influenced by the way he carried it over to me : in his mouth ! Thursday , February 18 , 2010 Ethan goes to sleep at night very well . We have a bedtime ritual that we do after washing hands , brushing teeth , and reading stories . I always ask him if he can say " Mommy , and Daddy , and Ethan , and Buo " , giving him lots of kisses and tickles on " Buo " ( pronounced boo , short for buoy ) . Next , Ethan asks me to let him hold various objects around the room . On a wall shelf he has a windmill music box , a bear - in - a - hammock music box , his infant knit cap , his baby hair brush , a Precious Moments figure of a boy with his bun , and a little Peter Rabbit book . On the window sill , he has the music box from his baby mobile . On his dresser , he has a lion - holding - a - lamb music box that plays , " Jesus Loves the Little Children " . Ethan asks for three , four , or sometimes more of these items . For any music boxes he selects , I wind them up , except the bear ( his favorite ) , which he can wind himself . It doesn 't bother him at all to have two , three , or four music boxes playing at once . Ethan also asks to look out the window , so I 'll lift him out for a moment to gaze with me on the dark ( or not so dark , depending on the snow , clouds , and moonlight ) backyard and river valley . He usually points out the window and makes the " tweet , tweet " sound he uses to imitate a bird . I remind him that there are no birds out , that they are all in their nests sleeping . I don 't know why he makes the bird sound , but it provides a nice segue back into the crib . Last , Ethan asks for his blankets , and Beth or I put them on him . He usually goes right to sleep without any crying . Sometimes , he wants to overextend the ritual , so he starts crying after I leave the room , but fortunately , after a few seconds he puts his head down and begins to doze off . Today was one of those brief moments of dissatisfaction , only instead of just making a crying sound , he cried out " Daddy " . So sad and cute at the same time - good thing it was only for a few seconds . Saturday , February 13 , 2010 This afternoon we were packing up to go ice skating as soon as Ethan woke up from his nap . Beth packed up most everything while I changed Ethan . There was only one item remaining : Big Blanky Bun . I started walking around the house , carrying Ethan and asking him to help me find it . I couldn 't find it anywhere , and Ethan wasn 't pointing to anything . He did keep saying , " Bun " , however , which didn 't make any sense to me . After I was ready to give up and brave the car ride bun free , he turned in my arms and said , " this " , holding in front of my face Big Blanky Bun , whom he 'd been carrying all along . Thursday , February 11 , 2010 We have a gently sloping sled hill in our back yard , which is good for starters . The neighbor two doors down has one much steeper , though . Tonight with the fresh new snow , the neighbors were out , so we decided to join them . After going once , he didn 't get back on the sled for me to pull him up like normal . Instead , he discovered the other side of the sledding experience : climbing back up the hill . This was no simple feat for our little boy , but he was determined and eventually made it to the top , just in time for a nice sled ride home . Another Ethan first : He climbed into his high chair . From the day he was born , little stuffed bunnies have kept watch over Ethan while he slept . They have long been a source of entertainment , especially the bunny toss . This evening , he showed a gentler side as he carefully arranged the bunnies and other stuffed animals around the perimeter of his crib . He now has a more organized nighttime environment , and his creatures can observe our little boy better than ever . Another Ethan first : He used a walking stick . Ethan had fun today with his latest imitation of Daddy : belly sliding down the sled hill . Later at the top of the hill , he found a big stick that came up to his chin , and he used it to steady himself as he walked down the hill a little way . The stick has a large , blunt end , about an inch in diameter . Still , we heard his mother say , " Don 't poke your eye out . " Monday , February 1 , 2010 Our cat Julius is thirteen and has long known where he can safely push his limits with us . Now , he has a more energetic patrol to deal with . When Ethan saw Julius jump onto the dining room table , he did his best imitation of Mommy saying , " Julius , get down ! " It didn 't matter to Julius that Ethan couldn 't articulate the words ; he got the message ! Monday , January 25 , 2010 We call him our little froggy . Ethan jumped up as high as he could as he leapt from the porch onto the snowy ground below . Friday , January 22 , 2010 They may be a bit big , but that didn 't stop him from taking them out of the closet and shuffling around . A few days later , he found it fun to go around in Mommy 's shoes , too . Wednesday , January 13 , 2010 I 've been waiting a long time for this one , trying on many occasions to teach Ethan to turn the crank on his jack - in - the - box . He discovered a while ago that he could short circuit the process by pulling back the latch , but turning the knob all the way through the song remained illusive . I wish I could have been there to see it . While I was at work , Beth got to enjoy to enjoy watching Ethan play the whole tune , including the dramatic ending , " pop goes the weasel " . Saturday , January 9 , 2010 Ethan 's skill in catching a ball is coming along nicely . He holds he hands out , keeps his eye on the ball , and usually ends up successful . Wednesday , January 6 , 2010 Ethan has a shape sorter that looks like an elephant . The body of the elephant is a wheel that turns to reveal holes for various shapes . Ethan has been matching the pegs with their holes for a while , but today for the first time , he rotated the wheel to search for a hole whose shape matched the shape of his peg . Tuesday , January 5 , 2010
Language warning : Not often but yes . Love and sex warning : This story definitely portrays a loving relationship between two women . Violence Warning : A little , unless you also count a projectile camera and battered door . Thanks : I would like to thank first of all Garnet for doing a wonderful job in beta reading this story . To Carolyne , for her constant support throughout , and giving me the kick up the backside to continue writing whether she realised or not . And last but no means least Tammy , for all the invaluable information on horses that she gave me and for naming the two horsey characters . The city streets were alive and with bustling activity . It was still early morning but with Christmas fast approaching , it seemed that shoppers were in a constant buying haze . Searching out the best bargains , purchasing the latest child 's toy before the fad ended and lovable darlings started wining for something else even more expensive . The air was chilly and the beginnings of a light snowfall began to make its welcome appearance . Out along the rapidly crowding town centre , street marketers were selling novelty Santa hats and such upon cheap foldaway tables . Their voices echoed out along the mass of shoppers drawing them in to purchase their substandard wares . Children would stop , eyes glowing with excitement at the brightly coloured objects arranged on shorter tables , guaranteed to catch their eyes . Pleas for these certain objects would follow , that would either be ignored by impatient mothers , or yielded to by harried ones . Tess Alexander pulled the collar of her black trench coat up high above her neck , mixing with the dark tresses of her hair . It shielded half her face , causing a striking vision of blackness broken only by two piercing green eyes . At six foot she stood high above most the crowd , and walked with an air of cavalier confidence . To her , none of these irritating people existed , and she made her way through the crowd like they were nothing more than an annoying obstacle . If she bumped into somebody , she would offer no apologies , just carry on her way , intent on her destination . She was not normally so cool and offhanded with people , but with the cold winds and congested streets , she just wanted to get away from all the commotion . Tess was a photographer and worked in one of the most highly reputable firms in the country . Snap Shots , was based in the centre of the city , which although was a perfect point of situation customer wise , was right in the middle of town , and to Tess that was not good . Being a loner , she hated the exposed feeling it gave , and as an artist , she lived to her renowned temperament of guarded stoicism . That was not to say that she wasn 't an agreeable person , she was just a little less than forth coming with her inter personal skills . She did like people … just in small doses . It had always been the case ; when she was younger she was the school outcast , though it was more out of choice . Photography was her passion and she would happily spend hours working away in the dark room , alone . She would say darkness was her friend , and would do so much as to surround herself in it , wearing nothing but black clothes which she still had a tendency for today . The crowd seemed to be getting thicker . Tess sped up her gait , only just managing to dodge a woman pushing a large pram with one hand and holding a small child 's hand with the other . Why did it seem like she was the only person walking in her direction and everyone else was going the other , purposely trying to get in her way . Growling quietly to herself she turned a corner on to Main Street , breathing a sight of relief as Snap Shots came into view . The building was large , the span of three normal size shops and on two levels . It was an old red brick building , with a large black and yellow sign on the front . More or less , it was the main draw of the street . When people would talk of Main Street , they would say ' you know where the photography studio is ' to which to other person would say ' oh yes . ' Tess walked even faster towards the building . The snow was beginning to fall faster and the air was slightly colder , she wanted the warmth and familiarity of her work place . A light wind had picked up ; blowing the bottom of her trench coat around her black , clothed legs , she was thankful she hadn 't chosen to wear her dress today . Yeah ! Tess thought , like I even own one . She chuckled wryly to herself . As soon as she walked through the door , a wave of comforting heat engulfed her . She closed her eyes , feeling the chill begin to leave her body and smiled , glad to be out of the cold . Breathing in the familiar smell of constantly brewing coffee , she walked into the reception to find it empty . Jason the secretary was not at his usual position behind front desk . It was strange ; there was always somebody around reception in the morning . Tess frowned , and wandered further into the building , the sound of distant voices , getting louder the deeper she searched . Nearing the employees ' lounge , she realised that 's where the sounds were coming from , Jason 's obvious camp voice high above the rest . Getting close to the door , she stopped just short of opening it , deciding to have a quick listen first . She frowned as she heard the topic of conversation . " There is no way on Gods green earth that I am going to tell her " Tess instantly recognised that voice as Kat , one of the photographers . She was a medium size woman with short blonde hair and a pierced nose . " Jason should , she gets on well with him . " " Oh … I think not girl . " Jason stated , " We may get on , but I am not telling her that … she will throw an artistic fit , besides she is just fine with you and you know it . Stop trying to get out of this , and show some balls for gods sake . " Tess arched an eyebrow . " She will throw more than a fit , and too right I am trying to get out of it … so are you , and me show some balls , may I remind you who is supposed to have them in the first place . " Kat stated . " Well what am I supposed to do … she was requested personally . " That was Robert , the manager . He was a tall , dark skinned man and who as most people described , ' built like a brick shit house . ' He had the build of a wrestler yet the docility of a pussycat . " What ever you do … do it when I am not around . " Said Kat . " Why don 't we just get Stan to do it ? " Stan was another photographer . " Cause he isn 't in today is why … remember ? " Jason drawled . Tess was sure she could actually hear him roll his eyes with that comment . Deciding she 'd had enough , Tess slammed her hand on the handle , pushing the door open quickly . She was greeted by a Mexican wave of startled jumps . Grinning inside she looked over the group and smiled sweetly , too sweetly , they knew she had heard their debate . " Morning all … lovely day out today … gona be a cold one … " She looked at their awkward faces . " Now stop with the shit and somebody tell me what the hell you all seem too chicken to say . " Jason looked towards the ceiling , shaking his sandy brown hair from his eyes . Kat looked towards the floor , scuffing her trainers along the carpeting . Tess looked at Robert expectantly ; she arched an eyebrow in waiting . Robert gulped audiably , causing both Jason and Kat to look at him with compassion . Still it was up to him to spill , they were just humble employees after all . Tess folded her arms and pursed her lips , cocking her head to one side … waiting . " Err … well it is like this . " Robert began , " You see we had a call early this morning from the head city council office . They are requesting the services of our most ' infamous ' photographer , in other words you . " Tess sucked air through her teeth , knowing that was not the end . The tall photographer , looked around at the small group of cowering co - workers . Do they fear my temper that much ? She thought . Ok … I can do control … for the moment . Sighing she turned towards the door , " Excuse me a moment . " Striding into her own darkened studio , Tess flipped on the switch to the overhead lights . Instantly the room was illuminated with a bright white glow . She closed the door and leaned against it , looking into her room . It was large , the largest studio in the building . Ahead of her was a spacious photographic area with screens , props , lights and such . There was a multitude of tripods , boxes of films and general tools of the trade all over the place . The floor was black tile , and the surrounding walls and ceiling were a matt white . There was a door to her left , which lead to her dark room , and that too was of a reasonable size . Letting her head fall back against the door , Tess closed her eyes . It was typical that The Mayor would request her . She found the man cantankerous and domineering . Tess had been requested to take the official shots when the new Mayor , Richard Morris had been elected . Her initial surprise at being asked had been short - lived when she had met the , small sandy haired man . First he was late ; then he left her waiting while he was on the phone , and then he spent the rest if the day questioning her abilities , methods and experience . It was the worst shoot of her life and she had barley managed to reign in her temper . After that she had told Robert she would never work for city council again , and up to that point she hadn 't . Out in main reception , appointments were starting to filter in . Jason sat at his desk , brimming with enthusiasm , as he greeted each customer and answered each phone call with a happy smile . One family sat huddled in the corner , dressed in their smartest clothes , and waiting patiently for their sitting . The waiting room was very big and filled with large comfortable chairs . There was a drinks machine in the corner and a table with a variety of magazines covering a range of different subjects so suit all ages and sexes . In the other corner a nervous looking couple sat together , holding hands as if for reassurance . And out by Jason 's desk , a large bald headed man stood , with a Staffordshire bull terrier held securely in his arms . Tess walked in . She looked at the dog , that seemed to notice somebody taking an interest in it and began to wriggle . She grinned and walked over . The tall bald man grappled with his dog , " Conan , will you stay still … bad boy . " The dog easily won the battle and dived to the ground , wagging its tail with such speed , that the whole back end of his body moved in unison . Jason arched an eyebrow and looked down at the normally impassive woman . She had gotten down onto her knees and was busily scratching Conan 's chest . " Sorry … he gets like this around new people … you wouldn 't think so by looking at him … most people are afraid to go near him . " Robert sat in his office , feet up on his desk , hands crossed behind his head . His eyes were closed and a smug smile seemed plastered to his content features . Tess barged into the room , causing the serene man to jump . His legs flew from the desk , kicking a pot of pens off the surface in the process . They collided against the nearby wall . " Damn it Tessa don 't you know how to knock . " He said almost angrily , bending to pick up the impromptu projectiles . Tess rolled her eyes , " Oh … you keep calling me that and I shall send your jumpy ass to an early grave . " She taunted , sitting down . " Bit early to be savouring the fruits of your labours isn 't it ? " Robert shook his head and grinned , " Nope … it is a Christmas portrait with his family . He wants one canvas and a load of official looking Christmas cards . Being as though that is one of your many specialities … of course he wanted you . " The city streets were once again , crowded with people , only this time they were on their way home , from either a day of shopping or work . The light snow that had fallen all morning didn 't even have a chance to settle , with the constant onslaught of determined shoppers . All was left was small clusters of icy white powder , stuck in corners and on top of shop roofs and cars . Tess trudged the well - worn paths grudgingly . She was not looking forward to tomorrows shoot and was doing her best to make the day come as slowly as possible . Walking towards her bus stop the tall woman scanned the rapidly crowding area . She grimaced as she stood counting the mounting mass of misbehaving children . Why me , she thought to herself frowning , while wishing her damned temperamental car had have started this morning . I would be home now if it wasn 't for that bloody thing . Taking a strategic position , which stated that she was there for a bus , but didn 't want to be approached , she quietly waited . It was getting dark a lot earlier now , and the whole town centre was alight with tacky Christmas decorations , that some minor celebrity had switched on a week before . From the insides of shops , Tess could hear the clashing sounds of different ' especially spoilt for the retail trade ' Yule tide carols . Pushing cold hands into her pockets , she looked around in the hopes of seeing the approaching bus . It was almost seven o ' clock and she wanted to be home for Leto , she would be hungry by now . Hearing the distant sound of a diesel engine , Tess was inwardly happy to see the bus approaching . Digging into the back pocket of her black jeans , she grappled around for some change as she waited for the vehicle to stop . Then waited patiently until all the other passengers had boarded the large double - decker before she climbed aboard , paying her fare to the harassed looking driver at the front . It was half seven by the time Tess arrived home . Sliding her key into the lock , she twisted it gently and pushed the door open . Quietly she stepped inside the darkened house . Suddenly she was thrust back against the door , in - avertedly slamming it closed in the process . The photographer looked down to see Leto wagging her tail , and trying her best to jump into the tall woman 's arms . She grinned and slid down the door , allowing the golden dog to vault into her lap . The dog barked and proceeded to bathe Tess with a good old traditionally facial doggy bath . She laughed and pushed herself to her feet , carrying the heavy dog in toe . Leto whined when she realised where her owner was heading and struggled to get down . Tess obliged and walked over to the food cupboard . Leto whined and rose up onto her back legs looking up at the dark woman with pleading eyes . Tess shook her head and proceeded to feed her dog , before deciding what to make for her own dinner . She would make something that took a long time to cook . Anything to drag out this day and seemingly make tomorrow take a little longer to arrive . In the realm between sleep and awake , Tess was aware of eyes watching her . She could sense herself being observed closely and although she was loathed to leave the dream she was having , she was finding it harder to stay in her somnolent world . As she began to drift towards the land of the living she then became aware of the fact that she was pinned to her bed . A heavy weight pushed down on her shoulders , and a tingling , pins and needles sensation told her that she had been trapped for some time . Prizing one unfocused eye open , she looked in front of her , but saw nothing but a blur . She decided to open both eyes . At this her vision cleared and she looked up into two desperate amber eyes . Leto whined and woofed when she realized her master was awake , and started licking her face with abandon . " Oh for gods sake , ' tow tow ' I do not want to see your ugly mug up this close in the morning . " Tess grumbled in a deep , sleep filled voice . " Oh alright what is it you want … or need I ask … a cup of tea right ? " Tess completely owned her house , due to nothing but hard work and dedication , and the place was of a decent size too . On the ground floor were a living room , dining room , study , and breakfast kitchen and laundry room . On the second floor were two bathrooms , three bedrooms and her dark room . The whole place was sparsely furnished except for the dark room of course , which housed all the latest photographic gear ; it was the room she spent the most time in after all . Reaching the bottom of the stairs she trudged her way to the kitchen . The coldness of the floor tiles assaulted her bare feet . Forcing air out through pursed lips , she made her way to the kettle and switched it on , Leto sitting adoringly by her feet . Tess looked down at the dog , her mass of sleep rumpled hair falling over her shoulders , " Wish me luck today ' tow tow ' Mommy 's got a trying day . " Leto barked and rose up onto hind legs , exchanging her looks between the kettle and her bowl . She wined again , and proceeded to nudge her bowl with her muzzle for emphasis . Standing next to the open door of her garage , the photographer looked menacingly at her car . It was an old black ford , which had belonged to her father years before . When he had died , her mother , knowing it would be in good hands , had given her the car . Tess loved it , and believing it was a classic ; refused to buy a new one , opting instead to keep up constant repairs the vehicle always seemed to need . " Ok car … I have a job today , which means going out into the field . I need you to quit coughing and spluttering and start revving otherwise I shall be forced to transport you to the knackers yard . " Tess walked around to the drivers ' door and cautiously opened it . Pulling her backpack from her shoulder , she chucked it onto the passenger side and climbed into the drivers seat . Holding the keys in her right hand she looked at the dashboard , " Remember either you start today or tomorrow you will be trailing you way towards metallic oblivion . " She pushed the key into the ignition and twisted . The engine turned , and wheezed . She tried it again , still the same . Muttering a statement that included the phrase ' one last time ' she turned the key once more . There was a moment of silence , before the engine revved into life . Tess slapped the dashboard , " Ah ha , just shows what an idle threat can do . " She proclaimed , and proceeded to steer the car out of the garage . " If things come in threes like they say , then I have one more productive threat left , and I know just the person I would like to use it on . " Through the night another gentle snowfall had graced the city streets , and in the early morning light , the new day seemed to glow with a virginal whiteness . It was surprising actually that there was snowfall this close to Christmas , but being as though this was England , it would be gone by the time people really welcomed the sight . Tess could only ever remember seeing one white Christmas in her twenty - six years , and secretly like so many other people , she wanted another one . But would she admit that ? ' Bah humbug ' she hated Christmas and made sure everybody got that impression to . Tess loved early morning drives into the city . There was still a certain amount of peace around and everything seemed kind of distant , and pristine . She could be out in one of the busy cities in England and still feel secluded . Turning her car towards the town centre , the photographer thought of the day to come . It was not going to be a good one ; that was for sure . She thought she had a pretty good judge of character and on her first assignment , had already decided she really didn 't like Richard Morris . He had a somewhat strange personality , being both domineering and misogynistic . The kind of person that you just wanted to slap , for no other reason than because you didn 't like his face , well she didn 't anyway . Deciding what to wear today had been a tough one . Her usual jeans were a big no , no as far as Robert was concerned , so she had spent ten minutes trying to find something to wear … to Tess that was a long time . She had finally decided on a black ( of course ) two - piece , trouser suit and a red shirt . Sighing , she turned on the radio and fiddled around until she found something worth listening to , it was useless . There seemed to be an epidemic of boy bands and she was not interested in ( only just ) post pubescent males with mediocre voices . Tess switched off the annoyance with distain . She would rather drive in silence than expose herself to that kind of music , ( and she used the term very lightly ) . Jason sat at his desk , tapping his way through the computerised appointment log . He winced as he blanked out all Tess ' open windows , knowing she would be in no mood to deal with anybody else after her morning sitting . Hell , after hearing the woman 's comments about the Mayor , he wasn 't sure whether she would have any free time left today anyway . He looked at his watch , it had just gone nine o ' clock , and the man knew she would be in shortly to collect her equipment and stomp around a bit . When Tess was annoyed they all knew . Not that she would rant and rave , no she became even more mono - syllabic than usual , it was damn cold to be around her . Still he liked her , she had a heart of gold and he knew it , even if she refused to let it shine through . The incident with the dog yesterday was another of many examples , just like her supposed distain towards Christmas . He knew that she had donated her free time to take shots of the children with Santa at a charity Christmas party . But if she wanted to play at mean and moody , he would not stand in her way … it was fun to break her guard once in a while . Jason scowled , " Well at least one of us has admitted it . " It was the photographer 's turn to scowl but Jason pressed on . " As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted … I will just come right out and say that the Mayors office rang … they want to move the appointment up half an hour . Oh and that the shoot is to take place at his home now . " Tess drove her car along an over grown , narrow country road . There was only just enough room for two cars to get passed , and she prayed a tractor would not happen upon her . Just bleeding typical that the guy would live right out in the sticks , the woman thought as she pulled her car in as close to the side as possible in order to let another vehicle passed . OK , she would admit she was not a big fan of the great out doors . The quiet , the strange animal smells , the seemingly exaggerated coldness in the air , it all accumulated to feelings of misery as far as she was concerned . Following the directions she had been given , Tess took the next right at a wider road . Glad the feelings of claustrophobia were fading , she pushed her car towards its destination . Eventually the photographer reached a wide wooden gate . It was shut and she had to get out of the car and open it . Once through , she followed the driveway until it opened up into a large courtyard . To the right of her stood a three - car garage ; to the left a pathway that seemed to lead to some stables and right in front was the house . Tess was actually surprised , she was expecting a small farmhouse or something similar , what she saw was a hell of a lot bigger . It was an old pale brick house , which stood on two levels , but was as wide as three or four normal houses . All the windows had been replaced with double glazed ones , but apart from that it appeared to be in original condition . She was not sure how old it was but it must have been over a hundred or so . Pulling her car up by the front entrance , she turned off the engine and got out . Her feet met a pebble grit pathway , which crunched under her as she made her way to the door . She rapped on the large brass knocker and waited , kicking a stone that was under her foot in the process . There was no answer . She knocked again , putting a little more force into it . A moment later she heard the sound of approaching footsteps on a cold surface floor . The door opened , revealing an old grey haired man who must have been in his early sixties at the least . He was dressed in smart black trousers , a jacket and tie . He smiled warmly at Tess , " Ah and you must be the infamous Miss Alexander ? " When the tall woman entered she was taken aback by the grandeur of the place . It was huge , even bigger than it looked from the outside . There was an ornate staircase that stood to the right with many family portraits going up the wall . The floor was a black and white marble tile and the walls were a dark cream . It seemed that the ceiling reached all the way to the top of the roof in the hall , and a large crystal chandelier hung down from the top . Pulling her self away from the sights , Tess followed James through the house . Finally they stopped by a large oak door , and James put down one of the cases in order to open it , Tess followed him inside . She watched as the old man put her equipment by the wall and stepped back towards the door . " I will go and get the remainder of your things … you can start to set up , over there . I don 't know , test the lighting or what ever you people do . " He smiled . Tess dropped her own burden of equipment where she stood and moved to look around the room . It was very … she could not find the word to describe it . She supposed it was a very nice room … as rooms go , but there was something false about it , almost staged . Yes that was it ; it looked staged , like it hadn 't actually ever been used . She wondered whether she should have taken her shoes off before she entered . Walking to the window she looked out and saw two large horses in a side field . One was black and the other was golden , they stood very close to each other , almost lovingly . She watched as the golden horse moved away , the black one followed devotedly behind . Approaching footsteps made her turn back to the room . James walked in and placed the last of the equipment by the wall . He looked around and spotted where Tess had just dumped her own things . It had taken her a good half an hour to set up all the equipment around a large family chair , with a nice plain backdrop . Then Richard Morris had arrived and told her he wanted the set up on the other side of the room , by some stuffy old bookcase . He left then , leaving Tess to re - do all her work . She had wanted to say something , well really she had wanted to tell the misogynistic git just where he could shove his portraits , but she did not . Unsure how she did it her self , she managed to keep her mouth shut . No small feat in Tess 's eyes . She began rearranging the equipment for the other side of the room , arranging the setting just so . She set one camera up on a tripod and took out another one for good measure . Tess tested the lighting , as she checked the clock , it had gone half ten . Resisting the urge to stick her head out the door and yell that she was ready she concentrated on checking the view through the camera . About five minutes later , approaching footsteps informed Tess that hopefully the sitting was about to start . Refusing to show her impatience , she continued looking over her equipment one last time , until she heard the same footsteps wander into the room . Tess was facing away from the door , so looked around to see who had entered . She saw the backs of two young girls , one with long dark hair and one short blonde . They were huddled together holding hands , and Tess presumed they were the Mayors two daughters . " Hi … " She called turning fully around . Lisa grinned , her brown eyes sparkling , " Come on let me introduce you both . " Without warning , the friendly teen took the older woman by the arm and led her over to her sister . Tess could do nothing but comply as she was almost dragged over to the other side of the room . " Nikki this is Tess … she is taking the photographs today … isn 't that cool . I love having my picture taken . " The brunette spoke with enthused excitement . So that 's why James didn 't want my stuff in the way of the door , She thought giving herself an internal slap on the forehead . Reaching further out , she grasped the smaller hand , feeling tender warmth in its grasp . " Hi Nikki , how are ya ? " She questioned , ignoring the pleasant feeling that centred on Nikki 's touch . Feeling a little bereft , Tess dropped her hand and turned suddenly hearing footsteps . She could not be sure , but she got the feeling Nikki heard them first . Nikki rose to her feet and all three women waited as the parents made their way into the room . First Richard Morris walked in , he was dressed differently from when Tess had seen him last . He had changed into a more official looking suit and wore his Mayoral Chain around his neck . Tess mentally rolled her eyes . Next Rosalind Morris walked in , wearing a smart but neutral looking pale cream dress . If the photographer didn 't know any better she would swear that Richard had chosen the dress so not to out do his own attire . She looked to the other girls ; both too were wearing plain , light blue dowdy dresses . Tess noticed how the colour matched the same shade as in Nikki 's eyes . " Ah … ok … good , good I see everything is set up . " The mayor said scanning the setting . He looked back towards the three women . " Miss Alexander , I would like you to meet my wife , Rosalind . " Tess smiled and blushed slightly . Her work at the gallery was more personal and she felt it was an open book to her character . She had never wanted to show it , but was talked into it by the gallery owner Andrew Spencer . Andrew was a college friend of Tess 's , and they had both been in the same art club . He had been in love with the tall brunette since they first met , but she had never had feelings for him . Tess actually didn 't know why , he was your typical tall , dark good - looking guy , but she never felt anything but loving friendship . " Why don 't we get this session started shall we ? " The mayor questioned , taking Nikki by the arm and gently leading her over to where the photographs were to be taken . Tess watched the blonde girl being guided away ; unconsciously taking in every physical aspect and movement Nikki made . Rosalind looked up at the dark , green - eyed woman and smiled , " It is amazing . She does not need his help really , can get by remarkably fine on her own . Yet he dotes on her hand and foot , you would not find a more loving and loyal father to these two girls . " Tess managed to hide the surprised expression , just waiting to grace her features . " I suppose there has to be another side to him . " She looked at the frowning woman , " I mean … well I have only seen one side to him … and … well that was not the most agreeable of personas . " Though Tess wouldn 't care to admit it , the shoot was going surprisingly well . The Mayor had pretty much kept his opinions to himself and had let her lead the job . After the group family pictures were taken , a couple of shots were taken with the couple , before Tess was to take the daughters . She took half a role of the siblings together then proceeded to take shots of them alone . Being the most excited about the whole shoot , Lisa was first to go it alone . She took her place , as Tess loaded another film . Tess looked over to the other sister who was sitting on the other side of the room , waiting for her turn . She looked back at the younger sister , " Well err , yes she is too . " The tall woman was not about to say that she thought Nikki was very beautiful . " Why … do you think Nikki would want to be a model ? " She asked ; interested to know anything she could about the blonde . Tess watched as Nikki confidently made her way to the other side of the long room . She stopped just short of the dark haired woman , who was crouching on the floor , idly searching her bag for another role of film . She looked up towards the young woman . Upon hearing the dark woman 's voice , Nikki turned her eyes towards Tess . The woman felt like the blonde was looking straight at her , through her . She took in an uneasy breath and rose from her crouched position , now looking down on the young woman . She looked into the big , round blue eyes and felt a sudden awareness that she had never felt before . It was like she was looking into something that was missing from her self . Pushing the strange feelings aside , she took Nikki by the arm and led her to the strategically positioned seat . Nikki put her hand on the chair , then sat herself upon it waiting , as Tess moved back to the tripod . The woman looked up surprised , " Well … I … no I guess not . " She leaned forward onto her knees , her long hair falling over her shoulders . " It is just work , have to do something to pay the bills . " She watched , as the smile grew bigger on the blonde 's face . " My dad was not too keen on you to begin with , something stupid about not wanting a woman to take his shots . " She laughed , " Then when he saw them , I think he changed his opinion of you . You must be good … my father does not give praise lightly . " " It is true . " Nikki laughed , " Even my mum thinks so . We all express ourselves in different ways … and if people like what they see , they will ultimately like the person . If you want to know what a person is like , just look at their surrounding , their work , their friends … you don 't even have to speak to him or her . It all shines through in so many different ways . " Tess rose to stand behind the camera , " Nothing . " She looked into the viewfinder . " Ready ? " Nikki turned her eyes towards the camera , looking directly into the shot . " Amazing . " Tess said in a deathly whisper . On her journey back to work , Tess reflected on the day so far . It had gone a hell of a lot better than she had anticipated . The Mayor had been almost cordial , his wife had been gracious , and Lisa had been fun and friendly and Nikki , well she didn 't know what to think . The young woman had left an impression on her , but Tess just didn 't dare to understand what that meant . The tall woman smiled remembering Nikki 's comments , when she had remarked on the fact that she had heard her conversation with Lisa . She merely stated that Lisa was always coming up with new career ideas . A couple of days ago she wanted to be an air cadet , now a model . Tess chuckled , wondering whether Nikki was trying to steer the conversation to another aspect of conversation she 'd had with Lisa … either way she did not . Driving into the city , the tall woman looked over at case of films on the passenger seat , then she looked down at the one in her pocket . It was the last roll of the shoot and she had unconsciously put it in her pocket , with the desire to develop it first . She refused to let her mind question that fact , as she directed her vehicle to the rear car park of Main Street . The television was on a low setting , providing a comforting background noise , in the otherwise quiet living room . Nikki sat upon a large plush cream leather sofa , her knees tucked underneath herself . In her lap she held a book that she was reading contently , her fingers flowing over the pages with familiar grace . She had arrived back at work earlier in the day , to find the place in a mad rush . It seemed that there had been some kind of booking mix up , and it was a good job Tess had showed up when she did , and effectively saved Snap Shots hassle free reputation . Still she wasn 't too pleased that she had to do an animal shoot . It made her wonder where the cat was while she took the Mayors sitting , and she realised Robert had been winding her up on that part . With a growl she made a mental note to get him back for that one . Developing each picture by hand , Tess mechanically carried out the familiar process . She picked up a photo and looked at the in the dim light , it was Nikki . The woman 's round innocent looking , blue eyes stared straight at her . She had a slight introspective look on her face , and held what Tess thought looked like a secret smile . The tall woman smiled at the picture , it was indeed a striking shot , and she was sure it would be a favourite . Sitting back into her chair she continued to look at the picture . She felt a tug of familiarity every time her own green eyes moved to look into the blue ones . It was a peculiar feeling and one she ignored thinking it was one of those strange ' dÈjà vu type things ' . Putting the photo on the side she continued with the rest of the developing , but every so often her eyes would return to the picture .
She sat on the couch in the classroom next to her little friend . The pink crown , the one that caused the tears the other day , was perched on the top of her head . It had yellow stars stuck on the front . Matching pink wrist bands completed the look . Her teacher started the music . Three boys sat sullenly on the couch and refused to sing . The girl and her friend joined in right away . Tong , tong , tong they sang . Suddenly I understood the origins of the words she had been singing all week . As the teacher sang the song , the girl did the actions , managing now and then to shout out a word in Japanese . After the singing the real party began . While the other kids started filling their plates from the left side of the table , the girl started from the right . She ignored the brownies and peach slices I had brought and went for all the new treats instead . A waffle , a coconut cookie , a fish shaped baked good that she thought was filled with chocolate but was really filled with beans . I let her . I let her try a bit of everything before feeling twinges of guilt and sneaking some real food on her plate . The boy ignored the treats . Instead he sat beside his sister at the table and ate sushi as fast as I could make it . I check the floor to see if he had thrown the sushi on the ground he ate the first one so fast . After four hand rolls with cucumber and avocado he finally stopped . I showed her where Ottawa was on the world map wrapped around a pillar in the classroom . Then I reached around the pole to show her where Japan was on the other side of the world . Where 's W 's house ? she asked of her friend who lives two blocks from us . Right here I said pointing back to the first small dot . He lives here too . I hate you . I love you . Badly I wanted to attain you . Make you mine . But no more . I have stopped now . Most days . Sometimes I forget and covet you . Blinded by desire to be perfect . But you aren 't good for me . You make me unhappy with myself . Like I 'm not ever good enough . So I am walking away . Again . But I will probably be back . This is post was written for six word fridays hosted by Making Things Up . I grab my moments where I can . The boy fast asleep in my arms , his head resting on my shoulder , despite the loud noise in the gym where we stand waiting for his sister . The girl leaning into me while we cuddle and watch a video on the couch . Maybe too much video even , but I am tired so I make allowances . The day is a whirlwind . Getting groceries , play dates with friends , baking muffins at the kitchen table , hours spent in the park , wagons ride that end abruptly with tears and a return home . They run and twirl and spin around me even as I try to stand still . I am an introvert . I need quiet time with myself to feel refreshed . To feel ready for the next request demand command . So I grab my moment where I can . And sometimes I wish for more . As promised , here are a few pictures that Amy sent us the day of our photo shoot . I can 't wait to see the rest . And now you can see us . He looks like he has been working down in the mines , except instead of the black of coal he is covered with brown sand . It sticks to his arms . It streaks down both of his legs . There is sand on his face . The tip of his nose . It clings to him and the thick white sunscreen I rubbed on him as soon as we arrived at the park . In the middle of the gym I stand talking to another mom . I kick the ball when the boy brings it my way . We talk about our kids having outgrown preschool and kindergarten starting soon . I tell her the girl used to cry when I would pick her up from preschool for the first two months she was there . And then I heard that same cry . I turned toward her as she ran at me from across the room . Sobbing , she walked into my arms as I knelt down in front of her . Her face was streaked with tears . Snot poured from her nose . She was too upset to speak . What 's wrong ? I asked her . We made crowns today her Japanese teacher said to me . They weren 't dry but she wanted to take them home . Tomorrow she told the girl . That answer didn 't stop the crying . I herded both kids outside as quickly as I could . I tried stopping to talk to the girl but she was inconsolable . Unless I was going to hand her the crown she didn 't want to hear it . Outside she screamed , releasing her pent up frustration . I told her that if she didn 't stop we weren 't coming back to Japanese class . And I almost kind of meant it . In the stroller she had a snack and settled down . I dried the fresh tears and wiped her nose . She showed me her Japanese worksheets from this morning . I marveled at them . The crown was momentarily forgotten . I didn 't know what to wear . I didn 't know how to dress the kids . Finally I picked a black and white checked long sleeve shirt with beige shorts for the boy . A black t - shirt with a cream silk skirt covered in black and pink kitties for the girl . I put on a blue sleeveless top and black shrug with my grey yoga capris . The husband wore a long sleeve grey shirt and black pants . I hoped for the best . The garden was lush . The green of the grass and the plants provided a beautiful backdrop , when the kids stood still enough for a photograph to be snapped . We tried to sit in front of the painted wooden fence on a homemade quilt . The girl preferred to run around . The boy preferred to jump on me . We asked the girl to sit , to stand , to stay still . All the things she didn 't want to do . I get it . I don 't like to be told what to do either . Sometimes she relented , sometimes she refused . By the end she sat on the stairs in a park near the canal with her arms crossed and a grimace on her face . I want to go home she said . Amy was excellent . She worked her magic , including the bubbles that can be credited with getting the boy off the ground were he was hunched over crying . She was patient with the kids . She understood . I was more worried then she was that she wouldn 't get a good shoot . Then I reminded myself she was a professional and knew what she was doing . And that she could probably take better photos than I could with her eyes closed . Thank you for the photo shoot Amy . It was a stoke of luck ( and Lara 's bidding ) that helped me win the photo shoot at Vicky 's preschool fundraiser . I am happy we fit it in before your move to Columbia . But also sad for everyone in Ottawa that hasn 't yet hasn 't yet had a photo shoot with you . I used to be afraid . Fearful of pretty much everything . Failing a test . Losing friends . The destruction of the ozone layer . Dying . I was afraid of whatever was coming next because it was unknown . Maybe the next moment would bring with it pure joy , but maybe it would bring me pain . And so I was always afraid . The anticipation of change could scare me like nothing else . Change was beyond my control and so I feared it . I also resisted it with every fiber in my body . Of coarse that never ends well . Over time I have learnt to be less afraid . Of change . Of the unknown . Of things that may or may not hurt me . Of those moments you didn 't see coming that change everything . Of life . I reached a good equilibrium where I could think rationally about change and acknowledge the good and bad . I began to believe that I could handle whatever life brings me . I began to trust others and myself . I relaxed . I stopped holding my breath and waiting for the moment when things would begin to tip unexpectedly and irrevocably towards the bad . Then I had children . At first I didn 't feel it . My bliss , combined with exhaustion , stopped me from being fearful . But as my love and attachment deepened my fear reappeared . Because I would do anything to keep them safe and free from hurt . And I know I can 't . The fear prompts me to try to keep them safe . I watch them closely as they learn to navigate the stairs . I am close by as the boy swims in the wading pool and my eyes never leave the girl as she swims . I have rules about the park . I talk to her about strangers . I am careful about who I leave them with . I try to teach them that they have worth and value and can do anything so they won 't believe the lies others might tell them . I know there are going to be moments beyond my control . They will get hurt . People will hurt them . I will hurt them , however unintentional . My fear for them won 't keep them safe . I will need to let them go and explore the world so they can make it their own . I need them to learn to live with their own fears and to believe that they can move past them . My favorite place to kiss him was the soft skin under his neck . I would bend my head down and sneak my lips into the small space between his chin and his chest . I would push my kiss into his smooth skin . He would laugh or smile when I pulled away . He still lets me kiss him there , but I have to be sneakier than I used to . The skin is still soft , but the baby smell is gone . His favorite place to sit was curled on my chest , his head tucked in my neck . Once his whole body stretched the length of my torso , the hair on the top of his head tickling me . He would round his back and snuggle into me . He still lies on my chest , but now his bum rests on my lap and his legs wrap around my waist . He curls his back until it is rounded like a crescent moon and he lays his head on the edge of my shoulder . He looks innocently up at me . His eyes seem to ask me how I could even think such a thing of him . Then he starts to pinch / lick / bite his own arm . Yes I say . You can pinch / lick / bite your own arm , as if agreeing with him that that 's what he had been doing all along . But please don 't pinch / lick / bite your sister . I grab the clothes from the overflowing laundry basket sitting on my bedroom floor . A clean pair of grey capri yoga pants and a grey t - shirt . I quickly dress and head downstairs . The kids are sick . I sent the girl to Japanese class with a box of tissues yesterday , but today I decided to keep her home . Her nose keeps running and she is tired . The boy , who was out of sorts yesterday morning after a night of coughing and snuffling , woke up from his afternoon nap with a fever . He spent an hour and a half just laying on my chest . Any attempts to put him down were met with cries of resistance . I managed to head them out the door this morning . Despite the sickness that still lingers they had too much energy to stay at home . And I needed to be out . I decided to take them to a new to them park . Not too far away from our house , but far away enough that we never visit it . Not when our park is so close . But first I need coffee . I buy an iced coffee for myself and a pumpkin scone that the kids manage to share without fighting . Back into the stroller they go and we start off . We walk for half a block , and then in my attempt to multitask by both pushing the stroller and sipping my coffee , the coffee spills . Drops of brown splatter down the front of my t - shirt like a trail of the boy 's tears . A large blob of liquid hits the bottom of my pants . I curse silently before fruitlessly attempting to wipe the stains away . I moan and grumble as I set back on my path to the park . Why can I never look like the other women I see walking past me , I think . They are clean and groomed . I never am , despite my best attempts . Then it hits me . I am marked . Like cattle branded by their owner , so too am I am marked by my children . The boy 's snot puddles on the shoulder of my dress from when he rested his head on me . Flour settles into the cotton of my pants from when I bake with the girl . Sand fills my shoes and works it 's way under my toe nails from when I sit in the sand and build castles with the kids . And coffee spills down my clean shirt and pants when I am out walking with the kids . I work hard every day , I just don 't get paid for it . Not in money anyway . My currency is hugs and kisses , tears and tantrums . There are days where I feel as rich as the Queen of England and days where I my overdraft has an overdraft . It can be an unstable economy with my two kids . The 1980s boom with its big shoulder pads can quickly morf into the recession of the early 1990s , grunge skaters and all . And yet I love it . I have decided that being a stay at home mom is better then my last paid job . At least now I love the person screaming at me . Somehow yelling in much more forgivable in a three year old then a forty year old . Even lying is more forgivable in an almost four year old who is really just hoping that if she says it out loud it will become the truth . That doesn 't work so well when you are pretending to have met with your clients or written a report . I would happily continue to manage my two kids day in and day out , or more accurately , let them manage me , but I can see the end coming . I am supposed to return to work in the fall . That 's what the paper work says anyway . I have a small reprieve given that I will be going back to a new job , one that I haven 't found yet . I am filled with a bit of joy that my return could be delayed , but the joy is offset by the work that will be involved in looking for a new job . I occasionally fantasize about chucking it all and never going back to work , but a plan is a plan and we have one of those . My turn at home is almost up and the husband 's is about to begin . When I go back to work he will be taking leave for two years until the boy starts kindergarten . Providing we don 't run out of money of coarse . I am excited for the husband . He was at home with the girl for a year between my maternity leaves with both kids . It was good for him to understand what it was like to be the primary caregiver . It was good for the girl to spend so much time with her dad . It was good , I know that . But the thought of it makes me sad . Sad for the moments I will miss . The firsts and the seconds and evPosted by All bets are off when you go to a birthday party , even if the party is for an adult . The kids eat cheese pizza and ice cream cake . The boy wanders back and forth from his sister to us , weaving between the legs of people taller then him , asking for more more tortilla chips . The girl sits mesmerized on a kid sized chair watching a big screen tv while all the older kids play downstairs . That is how it is done . When it is time to go we load two tired kids into car seats . I make sure to tuck the girl 's cream silk skirt dotted with black and pink cats out of the way before clicking her in . The boy stares out the window and watches the cars pass by . They are tired and happy . And that is how it is done . Suddenly my girl was replaced by a fish . It must have happened just as she dipped her toe into the wading pool on Monday , because how else can I explain her new found love of water . After all , this is the girl that wouldn 't get in the pool for her swimming lessons and only walked around the edges of the wading pool last summer . She was cautious and skeptical of the water . Until she became a fish that is . Now she lies on her stomach in the water , using her hands to walk herself around the pool . She holds onto a flutter board and jumps forward until she splats back down into the water . She splashes her friends and herself with big waves of water until her two blond pigtails are wet . She runs for the pool as soon as we arrive at the park and she stays there until we leave . My fish . It didn 't hit me until yesterday just how much things have changed . We stumbled upon a birthday party at the park and the mom of the birthday girl kindly gave us a cupcake . The boy took a quick bite but then ignored it in favour of an apple juice box . Juice is more of a rarity to him then cupcakes so I kind of understood that . I lifted up the cupcake and showed it to the girl when she caught my eye from her position in the pool . She came out to take a look , but then spurned it in order to swim some more . I was in shock . And a little disconcerted . It was actually a bit reassuring later when she ran out of the pool , came over to me and took a bite of the cupcake and then tore back to the pool . Whew . There is still some of my girl inside that fish . When I write I call myself mom , but never when I speak . When I talk about myself out loud , I am always mum . On the page it looks like I am all apple pie and Fourth of July fireworks , but when I speak it sounds like I am crumpets and rides on the Underground . The kids call me mama . Like they should we wearing matching uniforms and holding hands with Madeline while they walk the streets of Paris behind Miss Clavel . It feels , somehow , like a perfect example of being Canadian . A little bit of everything all together . We went back . This time he cried less , spent only a brief time in the hall and let me sit on the floor with him on my lap . He panicked once the guitar was strummed and the singing started but I managed to convince him to sit on the piano stool in the corner of the room instead of leaving the room . It was an improvement . The girl decided she liked the music class less this week then last week . She gave me some helpless looks , reminding me of a kitten whose tail has just been stepped on . I could tell she wanted to like it but she was a little too unsure . So she went to sit with her brother on the piano stool and there they were as happy as a pair of monkeys in a tree . They watched the music teacher , they watched me and the watched the only other little kid in the class . The teacher valiantly kept singing while the other little girl , her mother and I marched around in a circle . I felt kind of stupid but I kept a smile plastered to my face in the hope of convincing either of my kids to come and join me . They did get off the piano stool once the magic bag of instruments appeared . They both grabbed some shakers and bells and started heading back towards the piano stool . Then the girl realized that the instruments sounded better if she danced with them . I put the cuff of bells around her wrist , and then her ankle , and she danced in a big circle . The boy wanted a cuff of bells too , of coarse . Together they danced around the outside of our circle while the teacher sang brow - eyed girl . I watched them and listened to see if I could hear the sound of the bells around their ankles jingling over the singing . The tear has fallen off the tip of his chin , but its wet path still streaks his cheek . The green umbrella , the source of his tears and frustration , now sits open next to him on the front porch . I had told him that we don 't open umbrellas in the house and he had responded by falling to the floor in the middle of the hallway , his desperate cries drowning out my words . I hate the dentist . No , I loathe the dentist . Basically I both hate and loathe the dentist ( okay , not my actual dentist because she is really quite nice , but the act of going to the dentist ) . There are many things I would rather be doing them sitting in the dentist chair and having someone poke around . Full on three year old tantrum in the park ? Sounds great ! Projectile vomiting in my open hands ? Bring it on ! Twelve hours of labour following fifty - two hours of pre - labour ? Yes please ! More in fact , if it will get me out of a visit to the dentist . Somehow in the last six years I have developed a phobia of the dentist . I don 't like having to lie back in that stupid chair and stare at the ceiling . I don 't like the sound of my teeth being cleaned . I don 't like the water and the air swirling and mixing in my mouth . I don 't like anyone touching or checking or looking at my teeth ! I find this phobia quite surprising given that I spent years having such things done on a monthly basis . I did , after all , had braces for six years . All of junior high and high school . I also had four teeth pulled , in addition to my four wisdom teeth , to make room for the shifting that slowly and painfully took place thanks to my orthodontist . If I was going to develop a teeth related phobia that really should have been the time . Back when all I could eat for two days were milkshakes and mushy bananas . Instead , I developed this intense dislike of dentists while sitting in the chair of my perfectly lovely dentist and the pediatric dental hygienist that they always let me see . Because the office quickly picked up on the fact that I tense every muscle through the entire cleaning procedure and go into a trance - like state in order to make it through a cleaning . After a filling I practically need to have a full body message in order to relax . My feelings about the dentist seem to intensify with each passing year , which has meant that I haven 't been good at keeping up with my scheduled checkups . I mean to , kind of . But there was that time we were sick so I had to cancel , and then other stuff happened and then , really , no time is ever good so here we are and it has been about a year and a half since I last saw the dentist . I did see her today . Thankfully I saw her from across a small room while I sat on a folding chair with the boy on my lap and the girl , my almost four year old girl , sat in the dentist chair for her first check up . The girl did spectacularly well . She let the dentist count her teeth . She let the dentist brush her teeth . She let the dentist floss her teeth . The dentist told me that the girl 's mouth is crowded and that she will likely need braces , but then I already guessed that was coming . ( Did I mention I had braces for six long years ? ) The girl declined to have the chair recline so the dentist had to stoop over a bit to be able to look in her mouth , but still . The girl was much more relaxed then I ever am for a dentist appointment . It gave me great hope that the phobia is not in any way genetic . I even made a follow up appointment for the girl . And because I was there and I couldn 't ignore the receptionist like I usually ignore her phone calls , I made an appointment for myself . That I will probably even keep . How am I supposed to do this ? Let her go . There was a time when she was always in my arms . On me . Next to me . When she started to crawl , she was always in my line of sight . When she started to walk , she always ran back to me . I had read a number of the posts before attending Blog Out Loud on Wednesday night so I thought I knew what to expect . I was wrong . Hearing the bloggers bring expression and meaning to their words changed everything . I connected with the posts more . I understood the bloggers better . In some cases , I finally heard what they were saying . The poor boy . As the younger sibling he is often , okay always , dragged along on outings and activities for his sister . His schedule is set by her . Taking her to preschool . Taking her to Japanese class . Play dates with her friends . The activities are rarely about him . Not this summer ! I thought . I am going to find something to do that he will like . Something for him . So I signed both kids up for a music class . The boy loves music . He loves to dance and , while he doesn 't like me singing , he quite likes to sing himself . I had heard good things about this class and it isn 't too far a walk from our house . Perfect . Yesterday was the first class . We were there early enough to have to sit outside in the hallway for a few minutes before our class began . The kids were excited and eager to find the source of the music they could hear . When it was our turn they headed straight in and happily sat down on the rug in the middle of the room . Ready to begin . When the teacher sat down on the floor and brought out his guitar , both kids stood up in excitement . A look of wonder crossed the boy 's face . Then the teacher strummed the guitar and instead of smiling the boy burst into tears . Big , gulping sobs . Chest heaving sobs . Sobs suggesting that the world was ending and that that guitar was going to bring it about . He climbed into my lap and buried his face into my chest . He pointed at the door and asked to go home . He and I spent some time back out in the hallway . With him in my arms I inched step by step back into the class room . I had made it to the edge of the circle when the teacher pulled out the instrument of the week . That got the boy out of my arms and down on the floor to touch the instrument in his sister 's hands . Excellent I thought . And then the evil guitar was strummed again . The tears were back and the boy climbed back into my arms . I sat on the piano stool while the boy clutched my neck . I watched the girl march around in a circle , signing and swinging her arms . Having a grand old time . Just like I had imagined her brother would . He did enjoy himself when the big bag of instruments came out . He let me sit him down beside me so he could play the drum and the bells and the shakers . He hit and jingled and shook . He smiled and laughed . He even tidied up when it was time to put the instruments away . For a moment I sat between the two kids enjoying their combined pleasure . Then the teacher said that class was over . The boy stood up and walked around happily saying by to everyone . His sister burst into tears . I had signed her up for Spanish classes . The school board is offering free language classes at schools across the city during the month of July . Spanish is being offered at the school she will start kindergarten at sooner then I am ready for . So we went to the school yesterday , they checked our paperwork and I paid the ten dollar registration fee . Sitting at the side of the wading pool yesterday afternoon I started chatting with the mom of a boy from the girl 's preschool . Her kids were signed up for Japanese classes at the same school . In fact , the mom had been talked into teaching the class . When I told the girl this , and mentioned the name of another boy from her preschool who would be in the class , she decided she wanted to learn Japanese too . Despite the fact that the only word she knows in Japanese is sushi . When the boy woke up at 5am this morning I knew it would be a long day . While I haven 't conducted a scientific study , I find days where he wakes up before 5 : 30 am to be harder . On me and him . Early mornings mean he wants to fall asleep as soon as we go anywhere in the stroller and so I spend all my energies keeping him awake . Because , while he could nap in the stroller , I want an hour or two to myself while he naps and his sister reads or watches a video . He was almost asleep when we go to the girl 's school at quarter to nine . His eyes opened when I pulled him out of the stroller and while he squeaked a bit , he perked up when we entered the school . Both kids sat quietly on chairs in the office while I moved the girl from Spanish to Japanese class . Of coarse , once that was done I started to worry . That she wouldn 't like the class , that she would want me , that she wouldn 't understand a thing ! So I worried while I walked back to the park with the boy . I worried on and off while I enjoyed a lovely morning with friends in the park . I worried when it came time to leave and pick up the girl because I couldn 't figure out how to go get her without the boy falling asleep . And then I worried about leaving the boy with friends at the park while I borrowed a car and zipped off to get her . Because he was so very tired and as I left he started to cry . He cried most of the time I was gone , despite the comforts and distractions being provided by my friends . He cried until he fell asleep in the stroller . That 's where I found him once I made it back to the park . The girl had been late leaving her class and I had just grabbed her and run , thinking about the boy the whole time . I remembered to ask her how she liked her Japanese class , but I don 't remember her answer . They sit beside each other , squeezed together on the red IKEA chair . Staring straight ahead at the video playing on the computer , they are mesmerized . He leans close towards her and rests his head on her shoulder . Her arm is wrapped around him and it pulls him close . The husband leaves the room before they are both asleep . Listening over the monitor we hear some shuffles . A few squeaks . Finally there is silence and we assume they are both asleep . Later , the husband peaks in their room on his way to bed . He calls to me to come and look . We find them both asleep in the girl 's bed . Her on her stomach and him on his back . The boy must have crawled into the bed and positioned himself next to the wall and his sister . She must have pulled the blanket up over him . And then they fell asleep . I am trying to be patient . I take lots of deep breathes . I think before I speak . I keep in check the new voice that has emerged in the last week ; deep and firm it sounds so unlike me . Still she pushes me . She continues to lick me after I politely ask her not to . She tickles me until it isn 't fun anymore . She comes running to tell us that she has drawn the length of wall with a pen , even though she knows she isn 't supposed to . She throws sand at the park and then asks if it is on the new list of family rules we hung up on the wall . When I say yes , she does it again . But I hug her hard every chance I get . I rest my hand on her head so we will both be reminded of our connection . I rub her leg as she sits beside me so she will know I am there . And I try so hard to be present with her . I watched her at the park this afternoon . I made the moment stop so I could etch in my mind the sight of her standing beside the lifeguard in her navy blue polka dot bathing suit , pink heart shaped sunglasses on and glass of lemonade in her hand , watching the ruckus in the pool . Taking it all in . The husband and I are trying to herd the kids into the house but they are ignoring us . Instead , they have both climbed into the front seat of the small blue car . The boy sits in the driver 's seat , clutching the wheel with two hands and trying as hard as he can to turn it . The girl sits in the passenger seat beside him , busy trying to persuade him to trade seats with her . The car seats have been unloaded from the backseat and still they ignore us . Happy to let us drone on in the background , nothing can distract them from the novelty of the car . It is better then any toy . We don 't own a car . Our parking space sits empty except for visits from grandma and friends . We do belong to a local car sharing service , and that explains the car out front . We booked it to drive to our friends ' house for a wonderful dinner , but now it must be returned . Pulling out of the driveway I see the boy struggling to escape from the husband 's arms . Tears run down his face . He yells his own version of bring back the car ! If he knew any , I think he would have thrown in some profanity . Such is his love of cars .
As I sit here thinking about this trip , I have just realized how spectacular it has been . We have hiked to the top of Mt . Tai , rode camels in the Gobi Desert , walked on the Great Wall , visited temples and schools , performed for kindergarteners , collaborated with the kids from the art school and saw amazing landscapes . What I have realized is that nothing would have been as much fun with out our crazy group of misfits . Starting off we have Nathan , Sam and Mariah , the three musketeers . They create the comic relief and all have a slight dabbing addiction , okay , a major dabbing addiction , and interventions don 't work on them . Next in the family is Kenny , and although we have to remind him where he left his backpack every time we stop somewhere his odd questions and interesting relationship with Tom make any bad days good . If you see Maris or Brianna you know the other one is not far behind and together they are funny and goofy . Maris is quiet , but has changed the most since we left our parents 3 ½ weeks ago , and Brianna is outgoing , so together they are the perfect balance . Now for the Windham boys … Patrick and Jake are the kings of the trap party , but both have a nice and sensitive side that they hide behind their " big man on campus " attitude . They are funny and a good addition to our group . Next is Adam , oh Adam . You can 't lose him in a crowd because of how loud and outgoing he his . He makes the weirdest jokes and knows exactly when he shouldn 't say them , so that is exactly when he does , but the group would not be the same with out him . But if you are looking for loud , then you just need to talk to Sarah . Don 't worry because she can always find something to talk about , and she is so much fun to room with ( until she locks you out of your room , and you have to ask a cleaning women who doesn 't speak English to help you get back inside ) . She wouldn 't be our lovely Sarah if she didn 't do things like that . Just don 't ever ask her to do the boys ' makeup ever ! ! Next we have Sam H , who is very quiet , but the times I have talked to him he is great and really funny . He also has the best taste in socks and he never makes anyone feel like they are not part of the group . His partner in crime is Skyler and she is funny and so sweet . I was lucky enough to go with her to our night out with a Chinese family and she was so much fun to talk to . She also has an amazing voice and very sweet to everyone in the group . Up next wDespite the language barrier , we have made many new Chinese and Mongolian friends on this trip . It is crazy to think that we were able to establish friendships with people who we were so nervous to talk to at first . We have also said good - bye to so many people , but all of the good - byes have brought our Journey East group closer together . We have been able to talk to one another about all the new people we have made friendships with . When we had to leave our new friends we were crushed , but were able to comfort each other . I feel like our ability to connect with each other would not have been possible if we had the use of our phones , because we would have tried to seek comfort from family and friends rather than the people that were with us . The 16 crazy , amazing people on this trip are all so different , but we grew to be friends . We have helped each other get through the hardest times and I am happy to call them my friends and my family . This " family " has done so much together , like when we were at the top of Mt Tai and had our memorial ceremony for Mrs . Chapman . At that point , we had gone through so much together . The ceremony brought people who were completely different together . We all shared an emotional time , and the fact that we could help to get each other through it was an amazing thing to be a part of . Another time when our group bonded , was our eight hour bus ride from Kaili to Chongqing . We all were on a very small bus and we sang and talked . People who were not at all that close sat next to each other and ended up sleeping on one another . Another thing that happened on the bus was our " dabbing " intervention for Sam . We told Sam if he could make it for a certain amount of time he would get candy and we would give him more candy the longer he refrained from dabbing . He only earned one candy and he still dabs a lot . Our intervention was unsuccessful . Each person had a different way that they became closer and they each had a very odd and interesting relationship with everyone in their group . There are people on this trip that made it possible , starting with our fearless leader Tom . He made jokes and roasted people ( mostly Kenny ) and he had to check at least 50 times a day with Mrs . R . to see if she lost the passports because giving them to her was a big step for him . That brings us to Mrs . R . - she gets a little crazy when she doesn 't eat in the mornings and she also had to deal with us before this trip started , so luckily she already knew just how crazy we all were before we left . Then there is Jenny and Mr . Goodemote , they were the ones who took all of our talents and odd selections of ideas and turned them into a pretty awesome show ( if I do so say myself ) . Although they get a little stressed out before each of our shows because they do know what needs to get done and how exactly to do it . And Jen , well none of us knew her before this trip and she is pretty great and handled us all very well . We are a wild group , but we haven 't scared her too much , she is great to talk to so I am glad she came with us on this trip . We now have Kevin who is the technology behind the Journey East program . He keeps all of you connected to us and he also stays very calm if you cover him in food , which did happen . Let 's just say Nathan should sleep with one eye open from now on . That sums up our group and just how special we are . If we weren 't special we probably wouldn 't be here . I guess that 's all for now and we will see you all very soon . When I heard we were going to a dairy I felt a little puzzled considering we live in Vermont , but figured we wouldn 't be going there unless there was a good reason . I also figured that like everything else here , it 'd be different than in Vermont . Other than the Grafton Cheese on the way to Brattleboro or some small farms , I 'd never really been to a dairy before . I figured we would see some cows , large production lines of some sort , and try some milk or cheese produced by the company . When we arrived at Meng Niu I was surprised to see such a large , clean , and colorful building . I dragged myself up the long set of stairs beside Maris and we exchanged worrisome glances as we both noticed the woman standing at the entrance , holding what looked like an armful of cow patterned hats . Groans turned into smiles and laughter as we all realized we were each being handed a pair of cow booties to slip over our shoes . Tom , half proudly , half ashamed , stated that this place " looked utterly clean " and everyone broke out into laughter and began to tease him . As I looked around , I noticed that this place did look extremely clean . Nothing was out of place and everything was spotless . Colorful cow statues with different patterns and designs painted on them were all lined up in the middle of the area we were in . Most of the room was white with a balancing amount of extremely colorful and cow related artwork . This place seemed closer to a museum than any dairy I could think of . As we followed the guide through a very colorful tunnel with fruit decals covering the floor and ceiling I looked outside the large windows to the left and right that acted as walls . I saw a lot of green , some trucks , mountains , and to my surprise , there wasn 't a single cow in sight . After passing through a room with several paintings involving cows , we stopped at the beginning of a long hallway . On the right side of this long path were box like rooms full of interesting displays , signs , and artwork . They were all very neat , clean , organized , and colorful . Everything had a place . Each room displayed a shareholder or business partner like it was displaying a trophy in a glass box . On the left side of this pathway were long and clear glass windows . Below the other side of the glass were machines , machines , and more machines . Other than a few blue suited engineers , I didn 't see any workers . Most things done here were done by machines . It makes you wonder what the workforce will look like in five or ten years when you 're standing in the middle of a factory mainly run by technology . After a group photo in front of the colorful cow statues we saw in the beginning of the tour , it was time to hand back our cow patterned booties and shuffle back onto the bus . Almost everyone had removed and returned theirs when I turned around from slipping mine down what appeared to be the mini laundry shoot and noticed a very sad looking peer . I walked outside laughing as I saw him staring at his feet in disappointment as Tom told him he really wasn 't allowed to keep them . Next thing I know , we 're all staring out the right side of the bus watching one student proudly carrying his shoe covers down the steps and towards the bus with a grin that stretched from cheek to cheek . Following behind him was Tom with a handful of cow patterned booties , shaking his head from left to right as if to say " these kids are lucky that I sort of like them " . The bus drove off , filling with laughter as Tom teased us and handed the slippers out . Little did I know , these booties would soon become covers for my hotel slippers and that Maris would convince me to wear them to breakfast with her . We weren 't exactly trendsetters , but at least we put a few smiles on some tired faces in the mornings . Our next stop was at an art college that branched off of the one we 'd been working on the collaborations at . The campus was fairly larger , but quiet because there weren 't a lot of classes going on where we were . We entered a large building and there were several statues of all different sizes and each one represented a different story or style of art . After going up a couple sets of stairs , we turned left into a classroom crowded with paintings that hung on the walls , rested on tables , or maybe sat in stacks on the floor . An art teacher at the college introduced himself and explained how things worked in his classroom and with his students . I looked around at the paintings and felt overwhelmed with the amount of talent and skill that laid before my eyes . It was amazing how clean and bold this art was . A lot of the paintings had a really serious feel to them and sent a chill through your spine that made you want to talk to the artist and learn the stories behind their art . It was amazing and also clear as I looked around that these students worked really hard and that they were taught to finish what they started . I think my favorite piece in the room was probably a small sculpture ( about 1 - 1 ½ ft tall ) that sat on a table in the middle of the room . It was of an all - white panda that had one hand resting on the chin of his deep in thought face , and the other holding a paintbrush over two cans of paint that were sitting in front of him . One can of paint was black and the other one was red . The art teacher explained to us that the panda was trying to decide what color he wanted to paint himself . I wonder if the artist just thought it would be funny , was trying to represent something with a deep meaning , or was maybe struggling with a self - defining decision him / herself . Maybe it 's none of those speculations and I guess that 's just part of the curiosity aspect of viewing art . Either way , I really enjoyed getting to look at this art and other styles of art around the school . It 's always interesting to see All of the group got a chance to work on some art of their own . Everyone got some rice paper , a paint brush , black ink , and a bowl of water . Painting and drawing are just some of those things that come naturally to some people more than others and I 'm one of those people it doesn 't come naturally to … ha ha . I was a little stuck during this activity and didn 't really paint anything , but it was nice to see what everyone else was doing . It was good for the people who enjoy painting or drawing to get a chance to express themselves through something familiar . After getting to look at some of the student 's art , we gathered our show bags and headed to our performance area . It was a decent sized room with black curtains separating what we used as back stage and what we used as the stage . We had our smallest audience at this performance and the lack of response was a little discouraging at times , but it went fairly well . There were probably only about thirty people in the audience and we felt a little better about the lack of response knowing that most of the students were majoring in things like acting and dancing . It was good that we had the chance to perform for different types of audiences and adapt to the different reactions . It gave us all some good experience and while it may have been difficult at times , helped us in the long run . We got to watch some traditional style dancing and singing when we were finished performing . By the end of our visit to this school , we were pretty exhausted and ready to eat dinner and pass out . We went back to the other campus that we 'd been at quite a bit the last couple of days to eat dinner . It was pretty quiet around the dinner table I was sitting at , so I decided to get the ball rolling with a little thing my mom used to have us do at dinner at home . Basically , you start with someone at the table and they 're supposed to share their worst and best part of the day with everyone else at the table . I like to change things a little sometimes so I usually add something on the end and we had a pretty long day so I figured everyone could also just share something random that they wanted to as well . Someone said they felt like everyone was getting closer and that it was nice and someone else said they were sad to leave , but excited to go home and sleep in their own bed . I said I thought that even though we were all exhausted and these days were busy and long , that it was important to try and stay positive . It 's definitely tiring and draining to perform three days in a row and have the days jam packed full of things to do from the moment we 're up to the moment we 're in bed , but it 's worth it . Part of this experience is performing and that 's what we signed up for so we should try to make the best of it , even if it 's hard . I know it 's easier said than done , but anyone on this trip would extremely regret choosing sleeping for a couple hours over other activities we had planned . They would regret missing out on an opportunity to learn something new about themselves , learn something new about the world , or learn to look at something from a new perspective . So , it 's definitely worth it and even more so because it was our last week here . I shared with the table that everyone was sad when we left Vermont because we were leaving home , but now that we were leaving China , it was like I was leaving home all over again . It 's funny because whenever we used to do this at the dinner table in Vermont , Posted in Journey East 2016 \| Leave a reply Today was long , exhausting , draining , and unforgettable . We kicked off the day with a " friendly " soccer match , American Journey Easter 's against Mongolian Art College Attached Middle School students . I didn 't join because soccer is not my strong suit and others wanted to play , but I talked and played other games with students in the same boat as me . We played one of my favorite Chinese games . It is essentially a hybrid of dodge ball and monkey in the middle . You throw a ball to the people on the other side and try to hit the people in the middle . But that 's not all ; you can gain lives , be brought back to the game , and get frozen . I 'm still not clear on all the rules and have played multiple times . Playing games with the Mongolian and Chinese students is the best way to bond , in my opinion . For the more socially awkward among us , there are no failed attempts at conversation or uncomfortable pauses . It suddenly becomes easier to talk to these kids and relate to them . You 're all just playing a game and laughing together . No English , Mongolian , or Chinese needed . And a bonus - all ages can play games . We had the president of the attached middle school join in at one point to throw the ball at us . In the afternoon , the real adventure began and we went off into the city with a host family to hang out and eat dinner . My partner in this was Sam Harrison ; the older of our two red headed Sams . It was good to be able to go with someone that I already talked to and knew a bit better than others in the group . Meeting new people isn 't easy for me and having Sam there helped . I was a bit nervous to go out with strangers . My first time meeting them was when they picked us up at the hotel lobby , at which time I was placed in a car with Sam and whisked away to an unclear destination . But it turned out that the scary strangers were a playful little girl , an English speaking uncle , and a dancer who hopefully would be coming to Vermont in October . And , of course , they were nervous too . The unclear destination became the museum that we went to the second day in Inner Mongolia . Sam and I didn 't mention that we had been there before and it turned out not to have really mattered all the much . The majority of the exhibits that we saw were different and of the ones we saw again , I , personally , noticed more , such as the Space Exhibit . I was unaware , even after the first go around , of how early the program started . They were working on a Space Program at the same time as America and Russia and there 's even a photo of a space person and Mao . I had thought that we were the only ones with Space Programs at that time . I also learned , thanks to the English speaking uncle , that China put their first person on the moon just six years ago . It 's recent and important history that I had no idea about . Afterwards , we went to Starbucks and I had my first ever item from there . It was a green tea frappe that I recommend to anyone if they were ever in China . Of course , everything was as over priced as I had been told , and Burger King 's mocha frappes are thrice the size and better , but it was an experience . As they say , when in Rome … We sat and talked at Starbucks for little over half an hour . We talked about school , the Journey East program , and hopes for the future such as dream careers . Sadly , it was just Sam , the uncle , and I talking . Neither the dancer nor her sister seemed too keen on communicating and as I said , they were nervous too . But I made faces at the dancer 's little sister , and the little girl would nervously giggle and hide her face . She was very sweet and later on in the night , she really opened up to Sam and me . By the end , we had our own made up game , giggled at a single glance , and made faces at each other over the dinner table . I 'm really glad that the dancer had a little sister , little kids and I just get along . They 're easy to talk to and laugh quickly . We then went to the temple , which was sadly closed . Though , the outside made the drive worth it . There were colorful prayer flags everywhere and intricate statues . There were really beautiful elephant heads with little forehead tapestries . We laughed with each other over little things and took pictures . And we saw these giant kites . They were insanely long , seemingly dots in the sky that were three meters wide . It was interesting to see grown men flying kites , because it is an activity we usually associated with kids . This is another difference in cultures that I never would have imagined . We then went back to the dancer 's home , where her friendly mother greeted us . The apartment was amazing , furnished with gold couches and chairs , a giant TV , and a fishbowl / plant . I was very impressed by the apartment , the Porsches , and the shear wealth that it all displayed . Today gave me another chance to see how different people live . To see similarities and uniqueness in everyone 's own lifestyle and experience a world I never knew or imagined . And now that I know about it , even if it 's not a lot , I know these worlds will impact me . These worlds will help me grow , as every experience has on this trip . After all , how could someone not grow after actually being in someone else 's shoes ? Today was our last day in Inner Mongolia , and there are three more days left in the trip . It 's amazing how fast it has flown by . Although I am excited to return home , I am also sad to say good bye to China and all of the wonderful people that I have met . After breakfast , we met in the lobby and looked up to see Mr . Goodemote still eating . We almost left without him , but he was , fortunately , able to catch the bus . We arrived at a street where there were many shops . They were selling lots of Mongolian clothing , tapestries , shoes , jewelry , and knick - knacks , among other things . We only had an hour to shop , which seems like plenty of time but turned out to be a bit rushed . There were so many stores selling very similar things that it was a bit overwhelming . I bought a leather tapestry with a picture of Genghis Khan , and a poster . I attempted to bargain , but every time I tried to do it I was told my price was too low and they refused . I 'm pretty bad at bargaining … I 'm still not used to it , but I wish that it existed more in the United States . We soon left to go to a mall . When we arrived , we had about an hour to look around and get lunch . I went with Zoie and Sam H . The three of us walked around , looking in stores . However , everything was extremely expensive , and cost a lot more than it does in America . Maris bought a shirt , but I don 't think that anyone else bought anything . After looking at stuff , we had about 20 minutes to find lunch . Sam and I went to Dairy Queen and got Blizzards . Then we walked around for a little bit , looking for a place where there was vegetarian food that I could eat . I felt bad because I knew that if I wasn 't there , they would be able to eat anywhere . We were unable to find any place to eat other than a sit down restaurant , so we ended up going to McDonald 's . I got 2 containers of French fries and Sam gave me an emergency Clif bar . After shopping , we had several hours at the hotel before the banquet . I emailed , and then packed what I could . Our room was a disaster ; the bathroom was a mess , there were clothes everywhere , and our suitcases had exploded . We cleaned up and then watched My Sister 's Keeper and Shrek the Third on HBO . Mr . Goodemote called during Shrek to see if I wanted to do a thing with our flutes . He came down a few minutes later with the Chinese flute that he had bought in Chongqing . He wanted to play a duet at the banquet . I would be playing part of " The Epic of Janghar , " a traditional Mongolian song , and he would playing " Idle Wild , " which is a jig from Ireland that is often played in New England . He gave me sheet music for it , and sadly Shrek had to be turned off so I could practice . Mr . Goodemote and I ran through it a few times , and then it was time for the banquet . Once everyone was in the lobby , we realized that nearly half of the group was wearing red and black and the other half was wearing blue , which was pretty weird … We arrived at a hotel near the campus . Vincent ( Gao Wu Xiang ) came with us , which everyone really appreciated . Once everyone was seated , the Party Secretary of the college gave an opening speech . It was very nice , and he talked about how beneficial this program was . Over 500 students and teachers have been involved in the arts exchange , and he hopes that the program will continue forever . Then Tom and the principal of the middle school spoke . Tom talked about how glad he was to have the opportunity to come here , and that he is so lucky to have made so many strong relationships . He said that everyone who has been involved in this program has benefitted tremendously from it . He has watched people grow over the course of the trip . Students who go on the trip gain a new appreciation for other cultures , and they want to learn more about the world . As he spoke , I knew that I was tremendously lucky to be having this opportunity . So many people never get the chance to travel , but now that I have been 6 , 000 miles away from home I know that I have to see more of the world . There are so many beautiful and amazing people and places out there . I want to see and meet as many as I can . I know that I will remember this trip for the rest of my life , and that I will constantly be learning new things from my experience . During dinner , Tom spoke directly to us . He told us that he was tremendously lucky to have such an amazing group of students . The 16 of us got along so well , and we have all become like a family over the past month . We have faced many obstacles ; we dealt with the loss of a teacher whom we all loved , and a few people had family members pass away as well . Through the hardship and the sadness we were able to find strength from each other . We grew closer because we all felt the same pain . I have become so comfortable with this odd little family of ours , and I am so glad I was able to share this experience with 15 amazing people . Towards the end of dinner , Tino toasted the adults , thanking all of them for working so hard to make this experience possible . It was short and sweet , and well - deserved . Then gifts were exchanged . Honorary Professor Tom and the teachers were given things , and then the students were given long blue Hadas . To be given these is a sign of respect . Sam T . and Skyler had birthday cake , and then Mr . Goodemote and I performed " Janghar in Vermont " . I forgot to repeat a section , but other than that , it went very well . It 's cool to me how similar music can be created continents apart . When it comes down to the basics , we are not all that different . After that , Sarah and Brianna gave a speech about Tom . They thanked him for all that he did for us . Something that Brianna said , I liked a lot . She thanked Tom for sharing the amazing experiences that he had here with everyone else . He saw the opportunity to create an amazing program , and by doing this he changed the lives of so many people . Without him , we wouldn 't be able to have this incredible experience . I am so grateful that I am having this opportunity . Today was an emotional roller coaster . We started off the day with rain as we headed off to rehearse for the big show tonight . In the beginning of the day I , along with everyone else , felt fine while we sang and danced and had a good time with our new friends . As I write this , I am thinking about how the days become harder and longer and it sometimes gets easier to miss Vermont and my nice comfy bed . While the hours ticked by , the uglier the day got . Rehearsing for our own show had become extremely frustrating and I really felt like hitting my head against the stage . Just thinking about how chaotic everything seemed made me aggravated . The dress rehearsal ran over so we only had twenty minutes to scarf down our dinners . When we got back to the performance hall it got hectic again . Everyone tried to do last minute things , like smudging eyeliner on uncooperative boys or tuning ukuleles while anxious Chinese students were everywhere . Once we heard " places " it was time to go out with a bang . I was giving it my all . By the end of our show we all felt pretty good . Nobody on stage laughed at the wrong time and everyone brought energy to the performance . By the time we reached our collaborative performances we were just having fun with it . The collaborative performances included us singing a Chinese song and " Here Comes the Sun " with a class . Jake and Fairen participated in a musical performance with a Mongolian band . Then all of us did an Andai Dance in Mongolian costumes with scarves . All the collaborative performances were really exciting and I was more caught up in the moment of performing and having fun than focusing on messing up and feeling upset . Overall I had felt like I was on cloud nine when everything was finished . The day went from good , to bad , to ugly , to " I really don 't want to leave . " I was super surprised how fast everyone 's mood changed from sixteen kids wanting to go back to the hotel and give up , to not wanting to go to bed . After the entire show none of the Mongolians wanted to leave us and we didn 't want to leave them either . Even though we only spent in total about four hours with them and none of them spoke English at all , everyone had made such wonderful connections with them , especially me . All the students from our group each got a partner to help us dance , my partner just happened to be super goofy and extremely sweet , it was really hard to saying goodbye to her , but I know we will keep in touch and hopefully reunite in October . On the bus ride back to the hotel our whole group was in such a blissful mood , while being loud and annoying the teachers . In that moment I was incredibly thankful to be there . In that moment I realized how this trip is truly a once and a lifetime experience . Knowing that we only have two more days in Inner Mongolia makes me want to cry . I never imagined myself to ever be in a family like Journey East and being out of my comfort zone so much . I see myself changing in a positive way everyday and knowing I won 't be in China , in less than a week , really hits my heart hard . Today was one of my more favorite days since we 've been here . It 's our 5th day here in Hohhot and I love it . We started off early in the morning and made our way to the Mongolian Kindergarten . So far every Chinese child I have seen since we 've been here has been unbearably adorable . So I could only imagine what an entire school full of little Mongolians would be like . I had honestly been waiting to go for years since I had heard about it from previous Journey East - ers . When we arrived to the kindergarten we were immediately greeted by an explosion of colors and cute little faces . The entire building was splattered with every single bright color you could imagine . We joined the kids in their morning exercises and it was so much more endearing when little kids were doing it compared to the middle - schoolers . We ran races with them and watched them compete on little inflatable dinosaurs . Our next stop was exploring the kindergarten , and I felt like a giant and a god at the time . As I walked down the halls all the little kids looked up at us wide - eyed and everything in the school was miniaturized . Then we were ushered into a small classroom with little seats and saw little kids on a stage all set up to perform . They were wearing little Mongolian costumes like I had seen when the Mongolian students performed at our school . They then proceeded to put on a show with drums , tambourines , and bells . It was so in sync and professional I couldn 't even imagine my kindergarten class having the patience or skills to pull that off . After that we performed a shortened version of our show to the little kids and they absolutely loved it . After the show , all the Mongolian kids came running onto the stage and we had a big dance party with a hundred or so little Mongolians kids . It was painful to leave the kindergarten , but we had a long day ahead of us and we had to keep moving . Our next stop was a kindergarten building in the making . It was an absolutely massive kindergarten building with even more colors than the first one . It was eerie inside because the building wasn 't finished being constructed , but it certainly was impressive . After exploring the kindergarten we headed for the next step of our day , a minorities university where we would be performing our second performance of the day . This performance was the full deal , along with the giant auditorium with a really nice stage ; it was one of the bigger audiences that we 've had and we were all a little nervous . Even though it was bigger it was one of the best shows that we 've had since we 've been here . Something happened and everything just clicked and flowed together . Besides a few wipeouts backstage on the slippery floor everything went perfect . After the awesome show we made our way back to the university where we feasted like kings after a victorious battle . Then proceeded back to the hotel where we fell fast asleep after the long day . This morning Jake called my room saying that there was no wake up call . It was already 20 minutes past our wake up time . Skyler and I had to hurry to shower , eat , and get ready to go for this crazy stupendous day . When I got to breakfast I was a little disappointed due to there being no lo - mein . We were a little late this morning to our meeting at the Inner Mongolia Arts College . The meeting was really cool because Tom 's face lit up every 2 seconds seeing a new person that he has known for a long time . After our meeting with the teachers , some students , and the principal , we got to go to our rehearsal room . On our way there , I met a guy who is very close to my best friend , Kayla Williams ( Gao Wuxiang ) . I gave him a letter she gave to me for him . When we were walking to the building , he managed to video call Kayla and I got to talk to her today . It was so great seeing her face and I was almost in tears . As we walked into the rehearsal room , I was super excited because the first thing we were going to do was sing . As we started the song , right away , I knew the teacher was going to be tough on us . Within the first 2 measures he stopped the song and made us fix our mistakes , over and over . It made me feel like I was back at District Chorus making the song perfect and fixing every tiny mistake , working endlessly to perfect everything from tone to pitch to even how loud we sang , giving the song a certain effect . The chorus we were singing with obviously knew what they were doing because they put a lot of amazing singers I know to shame . I was told that they weren 't even the best chorus at the school which was kinda of crazy to believe . We worked for about an hour on the Chinese song and then switched over to Here Comes the Sun . Mr . Goodemote was in charge of this . He arranged the song into three parts but there was only two parts learned so we had to start over and relearn notes . It was kind of frustrating because I knew my part and I had to sit and wait for the other parts to catch up to the highest part ( the melody ) . After we finished with Here comes the Sun , some of our students did an instrumental collaboration . Mr . Goodemote was on the trumpet , Fairen was on the flute , and Jake played the drums . They did a really great job and in the song there was some Mongolian throat singing , which I thought was so cool to get to hear up close and to watch the band rehearse together . I was quite hungry at this point and was very relieved to hear that we would break for lunch . At lunch we had dumplings , fruits , and a bunch of different meats mixed with veggies . After lunch , we had an hour and a half break to rest and hang out . I sat on the bus for a while to regain some energy then , I went into the music room where Mr . Goodemote was playing trumpet , and it sounded really good . Then , as I was sitting in the room I realized Skyler had her ukulele outside and I could go outside with her to sing . I love singing with Skyler , it is always so much fun . We sang Ho Hey , Riptide , I 'm Yours , and Here Comes the Sun . The security guard kept walking over to us so he could listen to some great tunes while on the job . Our break felt like such a long time but it was definitely needed after singing all morning . I thought when we went back to the music room we were going to start working on our dance collaboration , but yet again , we were singing . I didn 't mind singing again this afternoon but some people were obviously upset about it . We worked on Wild Goose ( the Chinese song ) again and fixed even more things . During that time , he asked all of the American students to sing it just American students . I could tell that some of us were extremely scared and did not want to do that at all but , I was super excited to do that because I love singing and wish the rest of our group was more of a singing group because we could sound so good together . In our song , there are two parts , the low part was most of the guys , except Adam , but it included Skyler and Mariah . On the higher part was most of the girls but , Adam was on our part as well . We definitely embarrassed ourselves at that moment but it was okay because we are just learning the song and we will get better . We worked on Here Comes the Sun again and fixed a bunch of stuff so that we could sing through the whole song , obviously with mistakes , but we knew the gist of it which was pretty cool . After this , it was 4 : 30 and we finally got to dance . I was so pumped to dance because I knew the guy I met today was an amazing dancer and he would come to help us . We had 4 girls leading the class , he jumped in and helped whenever he could , as he was able to speak English very well . As the girls showed us the first part of the dance , I got a little nervous because it seemed as though it was hard . We worked on it for a little bit and I finally got it and was very proud of myself . We moved on to the second part which , in my mind , was a lot easier . As I got more and more into the rhythm , the third part took no time at all . At the end , we split up into 3 groups and had to show what we learned to each other . I chose the first group and we did it with our instructor first then we got to show the group and our instructors . It was well , honestly kind of embarrassing to be dancing a new dance that we had just learned . I was so afraid that I was going to mess up but I was told that I did a great job which was a huge reliever . The other groups did a good job too and everyone embarrassed themselves equally as much . I love our group so much because we can easily embarrass ourselves in front of each other while doing artistic things without there being a huge problem . During one of our breaks Brianna was doing a split and the guy did a split each way and brought his leg up over his head which was so cool . When we finished the Journey East group went out to dinner and we had a good night in . Overall , today was definitely my favorite so far and Inner Mongolia is my favorite place out of all of the others . At the college everywhere you look there is someone dancing , playing an instrument , singing , or drawing . Everyone here has some sort of amazing artistic talent and it is so great being here . The food is also my favorite so far . I can 't wait to see what other amazing experiences we have in this great city . Today was a pretty long day for most of us , I 'm guessing , but first thing I had to have was my daily noodles for breakfast . Then we hurried to the Arts College of Inner Mongolia to start practicing our collaborative performance . When we got there , the students were already starting to warm up and we joined in right away . As I was singing the song I was thinking how they project their voices so loudly that I can 't even hear myself sing , which it 's not a bad thing . It is so cool every day we practice with them , it just blows me away every single time . I am in the soprano section , which I thought I could handle but they sing really high and I at least try to keep up with them , but it cracks me up how terrible I am at singing . After we sang we went up to the dance studio ; I always liked to dance and at first I thought I was going to nail every move but , holy cow it was harder than I thought . I am getting the hang of it and I 'm definitely enjoying the dance the most . When we got into the studio we were handed bright red scarves . Then we choose a dance partner to work with who helped us with the dance . The girl who was working with me was really nice , she was also 16 years old . She did not speak a lot of English . She taught me everything and nailed it into my brain , which was very nice of her . We ran through the dance moves many , many times . It was intense . We then set off to Number 35 Middle School and the first thing that happened when we got there was that we were put into groups and sent into English classes . My group consisted of Maris , Sarah and Becca . When we walked into the room they clapped for us and we were placed into groups . There were four groups with 12 students in each group so I sat down and the teacher first told us to talk about ourselves ; where we were from , how old we are , and who my favorite singer was . After I chatted with about 12 or more kids about my life , the students had a little talent show for us . First , one kid played the guitar and sang a song . Then 2 guys beatboxed . Next , a guy played the horse - head fiddle and then a couple of them sang a song together . They wanted Maris , Becca , Sarah and me to sing for them , so we got up and sang Riptide . It came out pretty good . After their talent show , we talked about more things with our groups . The kid who played the horse - head fiddle let me play it . I don 't know why , but when I was just going back and forth they were all just so impressed . The class also gave us each a gift . It was a scrap book and then some kid gave me a poster of Kobe … I thought it was funny . After visiting with the students , we went to the area that we would be performing in and we got everything ready for the show , we performed at around 4pm . It was not our best performance because a lot of us laughed at inappropriate times . There were about 2 , 000 kids in the audience , it did not seem like that many at the time but when Tom told us afterwards , I was a little shocked . I think that will be our biggest audience for our show , and it was a good show , over all . We had dinner at the middle school with a couple of the kids who were helping out with the show . The food was good but they had such big portions , even for me it was unreal . We went back to the hotel and had a shower cap party but really only one person wore their shower cap and it wasn 't really a party , we were just watching The Purge ( a really scary movie ) . But overall today was an awesome day just like all the other days on this trip .
You might think that growing up in a small Texas Panhandle town before satellite tv , the internet , and texting was boring . Well you would be right , however we found creative and humorous ways to entertain ourselves . I hope that you find these stories as funny as we have over the years . How many of you have ever been coon hunting ? Well I was fortunate enough to have been many times when I was younger . I happened to be neighbors with ole Bill Back , and friends with Brandon , one of his sons . So when they went hunting Brandon would ask me to go along with them . Some of the best times , and memories I have as a kid was running up and down the creek banks in the dark , listening , and following the bays of Duke and Luke as they tracked a raccoon . Duke and Luke were Bill 's coon dogs . They were blood hounds that Bill had trained to smell , and track the coons . They would chase one many miles if they had to until they would finally run the raccoon up a tree , and then they would stay at the base of that tree and bark and howl so that the coon would stay up in the tree , until we got there . Those were the only two coon dogs I have ever been around , but to me ole Duke had to be one of the best ever , that dog lived to hunt , and nothing else . After going hunting with them as many times as I got to you got where you knew the difference between their barks , and it always seemed that Duke would get on the trail first . There was several times when we would get to where they had the coon up a tree , and Duke would be climbing the tree trying to get the coon . Now , your probably saying , that 's ridiculous dogs can 't climb trees , but I 'm tellin ya that this one could ! I remember one night Duke and Luke had a coon up a tree , and when we got there Duke started climbing the tree , and then he walked out on the branch that the coon was on . Duke approached the coon , and got him around the neck , when he grabbed the coon they both fell out of the tree , and into the creek below . After what seemed like several minutes Duke 's head finally broke the surface of the water , and he still had that coon in his mouth . Ole Duke swam to the bank and layed that coon down at Bill 's feet . Now I don 't know who looked more proud ole Bill , who looked like a proud father who 's son had just scored the winning touchdown , or Duke who had just scored the touchdown . Like I said the best coon dog I have ever seen . Anyway , one evening Brandon came down to the house and asked if I could go hunting with them that night , and after getting permission we went up to his house , and Bill told us to load the dogs . I don 't know how they knew , but those dogs knew we were going hunting . They were jumping around , and barking , I don 't think I ever even got that excited Christmas morning ! So we loaded Duke and Luke into their boxes , and waited . Finally Bill told us it would be a few minutes before we left because we were waiting on someone else to get there . In a few minutes a car pulled up , and a man that neither Brandon or I recognized got out and came over to where we were . Bill introduced us , but time and age doesn 't help me remember his name . However , I do remember he was a new preacher in town . I 'm pretty sure he was the new Lutheran , or Baptist preacher . Bill had decided that the best spot to find our quarry was along the creek South of town , so off we went on our little adventure . When we got to the place that Bill wanted to start the hunt , we unloaded the dogs and started off . I do remember the preacher telling us his life story as we walked along the creek while Duke and Luke searched for a scent . I know he told us that he grew up in a city , and had never really participated in a lot of outdoor activities growing up . Brandon and I just looked at each other and smiled . About that time the dogs picked up a trail , Bill took them off their leashes , and off into the darkness they went . We all knew that this city preachers education to the country was about to begin ! I know dogs can run awfully fast , and after just a few minutes those dogs sounded like they were a couple of miles down that creek already . Typically when the dogs get after a coon the coon will do one of two things . They will either run to the first good tree they find and climb it to get out of trouble , which makes chasing them pretty easy because you don 't have far to chase them , or they will try and outrun the dogs , which of course leads to a longer chase . Bill , Brandon , and I knew from the bays and barks of the dogs that this one was gonna be a runner , it might be a long night . Every so often Bill would stop , turn off his flashlight , and listen for the dogs to see if they had changed direction , and to see if we were getting any closer . From the sounds they were still chasing the coon , and moving away from us , so on into the night we went . After a couple of hours the preacher started asking questions like how far had we come , and how much longer till we caught up with the dogs . So we knew he was getting tired , Brandon and I knew that if he couldn 't go on that one of us was gonna have to stay with him and take him back to the pickup , and then we would miss out on catching the coon , and neither one of us wanted that . It didn 't matter how far you had gone , or how much farther you had to go , once the dogs were on the trail you stayed out there until you got the coon , or until it got away . There wasn 't no going to the house resting , and then coming back out in the morning . After awhile Bill told the preacher that he could tell that the dogs had the coon in a tree just from the different sound in their bays . I 'm not positive but to this day I 'm pretty sure I heard the preacher saying a prayer of thanks . So after what seemed like a couple more miles of walking we got to where the dogs had a big ole coon up in the top of a cottonwood tree . We all stood there looking up into this tree wondering how in the world we were gonna get this coon outta that tree , and listening to the preacher gasping for air . We knew that there was no way Duke could climb that tree . It was way to far up for us to shake the branch and knock it off . Brandon and me started looking for rocks that we could throw up at the coon to try and knock it off the branch it was on , but before we could start throwing any rocks Bill said to wait a minute , he had an idea . Now ole Bill pointed his flashlight up into the tree at that coon , and asked the preacher if he wanted to get a stick , climb up the beam of light up there , and knock that coon out of the tree . Well , that preacher looked at the coon , then looked up at that beam of light , and then he looked at Bill and said " Do you think I 'm crazy or what ? I 'll get half way up there and you 'll turn that durned light off ! " I bet if you think hard enough you can remember your first kiss , and if you think just a little bit more you can remember the first kiss that you got from that special person in your life . I know I can , cause mine came with a little pain ! No , she didn 't bite me , hit me , or nothing like that . Oh , OK I 'll tell y ' all the story . This is a story about the first kiss I got from the beautiful girl that would eventually become my wife . If memory serves me correctly we were about 13 or 14 years old . We had started seeing each other at basketball games when we played Booker , and whenever her family came to functions in Darrouzett . We would talk , maybe hold hands if nobody was looking , but we hadn 't had a kiss yet . So one evening I had saved up some dimes and called her on the telephone . She told me her parents had gone somewhere , and her brothers were off doing something , and she sure wished I could come out and see her . Man my brain went into hi gear . There had to be a way to get the 6 miles it was from Darrouzett out to her house . I might could hop on the train that went past her house , but the train only came through 1 or 2 times a week , and it sure wasn 't due right now , plus how the heck would I get back home . I could walk , but by the time I did that her parents would probably be home . Then I remembered , Barney had a Honda Trail 50 minibike , maybe I could borrow it , ride out to see Lori , get a kiss , and then ride back to town ! Man that sounded like a fool proof plan to me , what could go wrong ! So off I went to find Barney , and borrow the scooter . After a little looking I found him and told him my plan , and asked if I could borrow his scooter . He told me that I could , but it needed some gas , which wasn 't a problem , and I needed to be back before dark , cause the headlight didn 't work , again shouldn 't be a problem . So with the scooter full of gas , it was off on the back road I went . As I was leaving town I was sure a hoping everything was still OK to come out , because after I put gas in the mini bike I didn 't have any money left to call Lori and tell her that I had acquired transportation to her place of residence . As I pulled into the yard I didn 't see any vehicles around , well so far so good . As I was getting off the scooter Lori came out the door . She seemed surprised and happy to see me anyway . I asked her if her parents , or brothers were still gone . She informed me that they were and so we went into the house to listen to the radio . As we sat and talked about really important stuff , like who was going with whom , and how much we hated school , and which school had the toughest teachers , the time began to slip away , and along with it my courage to kiss her . As we were sitting on the couch and I was trying to gather up enough courage to plant a kiss on her , she musta got tired of waiting on me , and the next thing I know I 'm gettin the smooch that I had came after . When she finished kissing me my head was swimming , but I needed to get started back to town . It seems I had taken so long trying to get my courage up that it was now dark outside . We walked out on the steps and I told Lori goodbye , and of course got me one more smooch for the road . I hopped on the minibike , fired it up , and off I went . The first part of the ride to town went pretty good . The road is fairly straight , and the white caliche road stands out real good , but further down the caliche runs out , and the road has some long curves , and I was rapidly approaching the longest one on the entire road . So far I had been staying on the road by dragging my feet along the road , and when I felt the surface change I would simply steer the opposite direction slightly so that I would get back to the middle of the road , but in the middle of this curve I didn 't feel the the road change until I couldn 't feel the road anymore because I had driven right off of the road , and I was soaring over the bar ditch . Well if any of ya 'll have ever jumped a bicycle or a motorcycle over anything then you know that when you leave the end of the ramp you pull up on the handle bars . I knew this ; however , when you don 't know your at the end of the ramp , and you don 't pull up , then you crash into the side of the bar ditch , and then you fly over the handle bars , and then when you don 't let go of the handle bars the minibike comes with you , and when the minibike comes with you you end up rolling through the ditch with a minibike , and you don 't want to roll through the ditch with a minibike ! I 'm sure a whole bunch of thoughts went through my head as I lied there looking up at the stars . Like OK , I 'm still alive , and can I move my arms and legs , is the minibike broken , will it start so I can get back to town ? Yep , I 'm sure all of those passed by my mind , but the only one that I can remember is . I got a kiss tonight ! When I was a Junior in High School , Brad came to me and said that we needed to get a golf team together and go play golf . I told him that I had no idea how the heck to play golf . Wheat said " don 't worry about it , I 'll teach ya . " I asked him why I should learn to play golf , and he told me well we get out of school to go play in tournaments ! That 's all the persuasion I needed . So Wheat went to recruit the rest of the team . We didn 't do that good that year . Now don 't get me wrong we didn 't completely suck , but getting good at golf takes some time . So my Senior year rolls around , and here comes Brad again wanting to know if I was gonna play golf this year . I told him I really didn 't want to get embarrassed again . Now ya 'll probably know that Bradley is a golf pro down in Cabo San Lucas , but if he hadn 't done good playing golf , he sure coulda been a used car salesman cause he talked me into it again . This year he had conned Randy , Jerry , and Brandon into playing on the team , and so off on the tournament trail we went . It was amazing the progress we had made since last year , and we seemed to be playing better each week . I think we played 3 or 4 tournaments before District came around . The district tournament was held at Clarendon that year . Unlike most of the other tournaments , District was just a one day deal instead of two days . At the end of the day ole Darrouzett High had done well enough to post a score that put us in second place behind Booker , but second was good enough to earn a trip to the Regional Tournament in Lubbock , which brings me to the point of this here story . The actual tournament was held in Levelland , but we got to stay in Lubbock . Yep , the country kids had finally got to the big city ! We got checked into our hotel , I don 't recall what the name of the place was , but we were on the third floor , so it was like a skyscraper to us ! After supper we were all trying to decide what to do the rest of the evening . Randy , Jerry , and I thought heck , we would go swimming in the indoor pool , and so after changing into the proper attire , off we went to get our swim on . When we got down there they had one end of the pool area roped off where nobody could get in . Seems they were having a wedding supper , rehearsal , or something going on over there . We figured that they shouldn 't bother us , as long as they didn 't get too rowdy . After a few minutes we started hearing little splashes down in the deep end of the pool . We looked up at the roof to see if it was leaking , and it wasn 't . So what the heck was making those splashes ! After a few more splashes we figured it out . Brandon , and Wheat were up in the room , they had the room door open , and Wheat was chipping golf balls from back of the room by the bathroom , out the door , three floors down , and into the swimming pool . We went down to the deep end , and started diving down to get the golf balls from the bottom of the pool . It took some skill to dive down , get a ball , and then surface without getting beaned by another incoming ball . It woulda been pretty tough explaining to coach how come we couldn 't play the next day cause we had a golf ball concussion ! After Wheat had hit all of the golf balls into the pool we were still gathering them up when we all heard some commotion in the shrubs . Now if you ever stayed at one of them fancy hotels that have an indoor pools then you remember that they had all them trees , shrubs , and plants around one end of the pool , well that was where the racket was coming from . After a couple of minutes we could hear Wheat laughing , then we heard Brandon start screaming something , and here he comes a runnin out of them bushes Now Brandon did have his swimming trunks with him , except he was carrying them in stead of wearing them . Seems that Wheat had dared Brandon to run jump in the pool without his trunks , and of course Brandon couldn 't pass on a dare . Only one thing was wrong with their plan . Yep . the bushes and stuff was down at the deep end of the pool . So when Brandon jumped in he couldn 't touch bottom to put his shorts back on , and he began bobbing up and down trying to get those shorts on . He would get a gulp of air and then sink to the bottom trying to get them shorts on . Then when he got to the bottom , he would push back up to get another breath of air , and the process would start all over again . Of course we were all laughing so hard I guess we never even thought about helping him , but after a little bit he did manage to get them back on , and made it back to the shallow end where we figured we had better go on back to our rooms . You know , to this day I don 't think anyone at the wedding party saw what happened , because the manager never knocked on our door and asked us to leave the hotel . Oh , by the way we did go on to win the Regional tournament , and earn a trip to the State tournament in Austin , but that 's another story for another time . To me one of the best things about growing up in a small town was the limited amount of choices of activities that we had available to us . What , your saying , that 's right , unlike the kids in the big cities where the choices of things to do was probably unlimited . In our town it was choose to participate , or stay home and do more chores . One of the best activities to me was Boy Scouts ! Getting to go hiking , camping , cooking your own food , and especially not having to take a bath every night ! I mean how much better could it get ? Well , it did , the night at Scout meeting when our Scout leaders told us that we were gonna get to go to Scout camp that summer . I think that was the longest school year on record . Time just drug by . Nothing seemed to speed it up , and the worst was at the meetings when they would tell us about everything that we could choose to do down there . It seemed like the whole world awaited us just a few miles South at Camp MK Brown . Fishing , canoeing , rifle shooting , bow and arrow shooting just to name a few . It seemed worse than waiting on Christmas to get here , but finally the day arrived . We all met at the Scout Hut and loaded all of our gear into the pickups and trailers and headed off to Mobeetie , TX . and our week at camp ! We arrived and got assigned our camping area . We spent the rest of the afternoon pitching tents and setting up our camp . It was a decent site , we had a bathroom close down the trail , but the chow hall was kinda far away , oh well I guess you can 't have everything . We would get up in the mornings and head off to participate in the activities that were being offered . I remember talking Calvin into going canoeing , which wasn 't an easy task since he couldn 't swim . He threatened me to within an inch of my life , that if I tipped the canoe over and he lived , I would live to regret it . Needless to say I didn 't tip it over and we both lived . Then I found the shooting range . Talk about being in heaven . This is where I learned to shoot something bigger than a BB gun . As the week went on and we began making friends with other kids from other towns , word started getting around and we started hearing stories about a right of passage that occurred on the last day of camp . An activity that if not participated in made the whole week just a waste of time . Might as well have stayed home , something that every troop in the entire camp took part in , and since we was one of the smallest troops there would take considerable effort on our part just to survive it . However , to a person we knew we would be more than up to the challenge of the great gourd fight of Scout camp ! A troop meeting was called for that night , we had to start making our plans now if we were going to show these bigger towns what we were made of . Towns with familiar names like Pampa , Borger , Dumas , and some towns that we had never heard of . All we knew was that at the chow hall when we looked at their troops , there were only about 15 of us , and what seemed like a hundred of them . First we found a few aluminum trash cans . We emptied them out and hid them at strategic spots along the trails where only we knew where they were . Then whenever we found some gourds , we picked them , put them in our pockets , and then put them into the cans when we went by one of them . We came up with a password so that if someone started throwing gourds at you , you could holler out Kiabow , and if whoever was throwing at you was one of our guys then they were supposed to stop throwing at you . Finally the big night was here . Everyone ate their supper quickly so that when they dismissed us we would be ready for battle . As night approached we finalized our plans , and set out to show everyone that we were the troop to beat . A few minutes after it got dark Calvin and I were sitting in our spot along the trail when we heard footsteps coming down the trail , then all of a sudden we heard some yelling . The guys up the trail had begun throwing gourds at some guys that had been trying to sneak up on our camp . We started laughing because we knew they probably wouldn 't try that again ! After a few more minutes we once again heard someone coming , but from the other direction this time . As they got right in front of us we started throwing gourds at them just as fast as we could , and I knew we were hitting them because of all the yelling that was coming from the trail . Then I saw Calvin rare back and unleash a gourd towards one of the guys that had been running . Now I can still see that gourd heading towards that guy because it was in slow motion . In the moonlight I recognized him from some of the activities I had seen him at . We called him Whitey , not really sure why , maybe it was because of his blonde hair , but this kid was definitely different . The best way I can describe Whitey is if you remember the cartoon character of Ichabod Crane in The Headless Horseman . He was tall and skinny with an Adams Apple that stuck out at least 2 inches from his neck , and a hooked nose . When he ran arms , legs , elbows , and knees went in all different directions at the same time . I never could figure out how he got enough of himself headed in one direction to get any place , but he did . I saw the gourd that Calvin threw explode as it hit him in the side of the head . The impact knocked him off of his feet , of course I think he only weighed about 50 pounds , and he hit the ground with a thud . He layed there for a few moments before he began to spit and sputter trying to get the gourd fragments out of his mouth , eyes , and ears . As Calvin aSometime during the night , and all outta gourds , arms sore , and feet tired , the great gourd war came to a end , and we all went to bed with the knowledge that we took on the big towns and had held our own . Breakfast call came awfully early that morning , but we were all still pretty pumped up about the nights battle . At breakfast one of the camp councilors came over to our table . I remember him asking us " What was going on over there on the South side of the camp . I thought I was going to have to send out a riot squad ! " We all just laughed and told him we didn 't know what he was talking about . I wanted to tell y ' all a little different story today . As most of you probably know I am a Paramedic . I have been practicing this trade for quite a few years now . I have seen a lot of pain and suffering , along with some funny things over the years . I have always said there is no telling what your going to see when you go into someones house at 3 : 00 am ! One of my favorite parts of Medic class was the first class day after the weekend . The first half hour or so was spent telling and listening to every one 's stories about the clinical experiences that they had . These stories usually ranged from tragic to comical , but when the person telling the story lit up while they were relaying something they had seen , or had done to the rest of us was what made this time so enjoyable . Anyway , in order to get your Medic patch you have to go through lots of hours of classroom learning , and many more hours of clinical training , and this is a story of one of those clinical training experiences . This particular day there were 4 or 5 us that had ventured down to Northwest to knock out a few more of the required hours . With this many of us there at once it was decided that we would rotate through different areas so that we weren 't stuck in one place for the entire 16 hours , 8 hours in ER then 8 hours in PICU , which is what I had decided to do that day . After 8 hours in the ER working with all of the different types of illnesses , and injuries that came through there doors I was a little concerned that 8 hours in the Pediatric ICU might be pretty boring , boy was I wrong ! I walked into the PICU that afternoon wearing my white shirt , black pants , black shoes , and enough identification badges to get into a nuclear reactor sight without any questions asked . I also had all of my books , papers , and forms that would have to be signed and verified so I would get credit for my time . I approached the Nurses station and introduced myself as Mark Potter a Paramedic student that was scheduled for an 8 hour shift with their department . " Put your stuff done over there , are you comfortable with administering drugs ? " the Charge Nurse asked me . Well we had been told in class when confronted with this question if you wanted to be able to do anything other than just follow a nurse around the entire time you had better say , yes , I am comfortable with administering drugs ! So , " Yes I am comfortable with administering drugs " was what I told her . " Great , we have an 18 month old that crawled into a swimming pool about a week ago . He is recovering fine , but he is being chemically paralyzed so that his body can recover , plus he has an endotracheal tube in that is breathing for him , but he has been running a low grade fever , so we have been giving him Tylenol suppositories to help keep his fever down . Do you want to give him his medicine ? " " Sure " was my reply . While I found a place to put my stuff the nurses placed a suppository in a small medicine cup , and handed it to me . Then one of the nurses took a tube of KY Jelly and squirted the cup about half full , and I started out the door towards his room . " Also the family is very protective , they will watch your every move while your there . So act very professional , explain to them who you are , and what your going to do ! " So , I knock on the door , go in , introduce myself , and explain that I am there to give the boy his Tylenol suppository . After I remove the child 's diaper , I lift the child 's legs and reach into the medicine cup and grab the suppository . Now you remember I told you earlier that one of the nurses had squirted a bunch of KY Jelly into the cup . Well as I was bringing the suppository towards his butt , you guessed it . It shot out of my fingers like a bullet leaving the barrel , and it landed over by the edge of the bed where the parents were standing , causing them to put their hands up quickly to keep it from going off onto the floor . I reached over and grabbed it again , this time it squirts back towards the middle of the bed . Well so much for professionalism . After a few more times of this enough of the slick jelly has come off that I can at least hold it between my fingers . So I once again start towards my ultimate goal of getting this suppository inserted into the proper orifice for the medication to take effect . I am not sure how many of you know exactly what , and how paralytics work on the human body , but in a simple explanation the drug works by paralyzing the muscles so a patient cannot move around . Well , unfortunately it don 't work on the muscles of the sphincter So when I get the suppository to the young lad 's rectum he clamps it shut tighter than a bear trap , and he is not going to let anything go in there ! As I attempt to push this medicine into his body , he is fighting me just as hard to keep it out . Of course I still have the entire family standing all around the bed with their hands up , looking like hockey goalies just in case the suppository shoots toward the edge again , and they were , well I wouldn 't exactly call it giving me support , but at least they at hadn 't started cursing me yet . By now I am soaking wet from sweat , so I think they were maybe feeling a little sorry for me . Finally I had the suppository melted down to about the size of a Tic - Tac from all the handling of it , and it slips neatly into the place it was designed to go into . I apologized one last time , and thanked the family for their patience , and I head back to the nurses station . When I walk into the room all of the nurses are setting around a desk and laughing uncontrollably . You see they all had the same experience with this patient , and they had been watching me on the closed circuit TV that are in these rooms to monitor patients without having to actually be in there . They all told me that I had done good , and that I had passed my initiation . Man I couldn 't wait till class next week , did I ever have a story for them ! How many of you have ever been coon hunting ? Well I was fortunate enough to have been many times when I was younger . I happened to be neig . . .
I slept less well - super cold last night and no lung capacity to get more layers so I froze until I was too tired to care . This morning , I decided not to climb the stairs so as not to waste oxygen , so I just hung out in my bedroom until it was time for us to go out to see Tez Ilyas . He was great , as expected , i mean that 's going to be the case for every act I mention . I had to help him out at one point because the members of the audience he picked were not answering the question he asked correctly . Not paying enough attention ! He ran over slightly , so afterwards I literally just had time to grab a coffee before heading over to The Youth Wing to see Phil Wang . That was problematic , because the way I went meant I got stuck at a flight of stairs , but thankfully some very kind strangers offered to carry my chair down the steps ( without me in it ) and then I was back on my way . I got in and parked on the end of a row , and ended up with various members of sketch groups Pappy 's and Daphne to my right , with Tom Parry sprawled across the floor , snorting with laughter . For a work in progress , it was pretty slick , and I 'll be keeping a lookout for the finished product on tour . Coffee in hand , I drove down to The Canteen to join the queue . Being in the chair , I got moved to the front , which turned out to be a blessing and a curse . She was due to start at 4 , but there were technical issues - there were cables that were needed and I watched people running back and forth trying to get hold of the right ones . This went on for just over an hour , and every time somebody came back , the hearts of the queue lifted , only to fall again when the doors didn 't open . I felt really bad for the guy who was checking the tickets - he knew nothing more than we did , and there wasn 't really anything he could do , I could hear people behind me getting ( understandably ) frustrated because this was going to impact upon their attendance of their next show , so they were having to decide who they wanted to see more . I was okay to wait , because my next show wasn 't until 7 . 15 , and I was glad I did . Her show is a reply to her reviews from her last show at the Fringe , in which she was criticised for not referring to her race enough and for talking about it too much . It would be like me doing a show and discussing or not discussing my disability . I have to applaud her too for her excellent singing , and for dealing with groups of people leaving towards the end of the show . Super impressed . It ended just before six , and I was starving , having only had coffee since my crumpet at breakfast time . I got myself a smoky sausage in a bun ( relatively easy to eat and no danger of spice ) and ate it while watching all the fun dogs around . I even met a famous dog , Rosie , who is regularly heard on Rhod Gilbert 's Saturday morning show . She is a very good dog . My next show , The Griefcast with Cariad Lloyd , was up stairs , but when checking the venues yesterday I 'd been informed that there was a lift I could use . Today there was a worry because they had put an Out of Order sign on the door , but that was just to put able - bodied people off using it . Sneaky . It was a small room and VERY HOT . Lots of people crammed in . The guests were Phil Wang , Kiri Pr ' chard - McLean and Nish . Usually , the show is Cariad interviewing a comedian about a particular death , but today the topic was just death in general . In an amusing fashion . The last topic was " last words " , and Cariad asked them all what theirs would be . Phil missed a trick with his answer , and Cariad asked if there were any questions . I put my hand up and Nish pointed me out . I could have asked something poignant , but I had to say that surely , Phil 's last words should be " Wang out . " I saw the pun and had to say it . I don 't know if it 'll be on the podcast but I hope so . The only time I think my brain has worked that fast . My next show wasn 't until 11 . 30 and also included Nish in the line up , so he met me back downstairs and the rest of the evening is a blur of faces and saying " Nice to meet you . " I did mean it each time , I just met a lot of people ! We went to the bar in Y Plas where pretty much every comic at the show was . My oxygen ran out in the middle of Beat This , so I had to text Mommy and get her and Daddy to come and swap it over for a new one . I thought that might be enough to tide me over , but thinking about getting the taxi back on my own , having to deal with the chair , I just knew that it was going to be horrific . I cancelled the car , and sneaked out the side door . Knackered , but elated . We had to get into Mach earlier today , because there was a massive cycling race that started in the town and was going to close the road that we use to come in on . We got in at about eleven , and I sat in the car while Mommy and Daddy went to get coffee and some sort of breakfast pastries . I ate my co - op cinnamon swirl , then set off to Y Tabernacl for Pappy 's Flatshare Slamdown . Matthew and Ben said hi on their way in , and when the queue started to move , I went over to the lift to go up half a floor so I could enter the hall . There was a step down to the pews , so I just parked my chair at the best vantage point . Josh was a guest , and he saw me so he came over . Kiri was meant to be on the show but had yet to arrive , so other comedians were being texted en masse . Who turned up but ol ' Nishy Kumar ? Kiri appeared shortly after , so we just got an extra person 's - worth of funny for free . I had a joyous time , particularly enjoying the quickfire round jingle that Tom and Ben recorded with Nish and Josie last night at Y Plas when Josie was full of Pinot Noir . I can 't wait to hear it when it goes out . They ran over , as one has to expect , so then I had to bomb it down a rather steep hill to The Mach Arena for Josh and Friends . The wheelchair view in there was less good , but enough that I could just about see . We had stand - up from Josh , Matthew Crosby , Nish and James Acaster , then he read out some classic scrapes from his book which are all hysterical . Upon coming out , I bumped into Amy , and we talked while Mommy and Daddy went to get food . I informed her of the racist attack Nish had just endured ( Josh threw a massive ball at him but he was not injured ) , then they went to get lunch and we went to eat ours . We discussed oxygen levels , and we only had one full bottle left , so came to the conclusion that I only really had one more show left in me . Mommy and Daddy went back to the house to pack up , and I went to get more coffee and see who I could see before it was time for Sara Pascoe . Sara was fantastic as always , and I look forward to seeing the finished piece when she takes it on tour . I didn 't have time to hang around to see her afterwards because Daddy was coming to pick me up . We returned to the house , packed everything into the car , and we set off on the long drive home . I am so happy and I 've had such an incredible weekend - definitely going again next year . Hopefully without any extra oxygen . My day has been punctuated by half - hourly squeezing of a stress ball with my arm up in the air . It is the only thing I can do that might make my arm go down . I 'm not convinced it is going to work but I am desperately hanging on to anything that may make a difference . If this doesn 't work , I don 't know what I will do . This afternoon , I wrote about yesterday 's procedure , then I went to sit with Sam for a couple of hours . I watched Netflix , and he kneaded my lap which I tolerated until it hurt . Pointy claws of a heavy kitty on wound sites are not good . I just feel very sad . Maybe tomorrow will be better . We 're off to Machynlleth on Thursday for the comedy festival there and I really don 't want to feel like shit . The 26th of April . Measured my arm this morning . Still exactly the same . I am not expecting it to improve , but I 'll carry on with the compression and the squeezing for a few more days , then I 'll ring Andrew 's secretary and make sure my appointment is on the way because he 's going to have to come up with a new plan . I cannot go to John and Maddie 's wedding with one huge arm , even if it will be full of medics . So this morning I was sad about my arm and had a bit of a cry before I came downstairs . Breakfast , then I wrote up the blog post about the venoplasty while I watched new Pretty Little Liars and iZombie . I did a lot of shouting at the latter because Peyton is being a moron . The 30th of March . Fairly acceptable breathing today . I 'm on 0 . 5 litres of oxygen . Normal air is not quite oxygenated enough for me . I at least had a better sleep , and this morning I got a blog post done and not much else . I had another appointment ( which I had entirely forgotten about ) at the Women 's at half past one , so we ate our lunches and got on our way . Thankfully no hellish traffic jams today , but there was nowhere to park so Mommy pulled over , I drove off in my chair with the oxygen on the back and she found somewhere to put the car . I was seeing Miss Byrom for a follow - up after the procedure I had in November , and Sue , the sexual health nurse , was there too . I said that I thought it had been successful , but only up to a point . She examined me , using a very small speculum and a very long swab , and it turns out part of me has sealed up again . JOY . It 's to do with a thing I have called lichen planus and it 's just another stupid thing that I have that has no cause . I have to carry on with the dilators , and she 's going to talk to a plastic surgeon about me to see if he has any ideas . Too many things wrong with me right now . I feel like a collection of conditions rather than a human woman . The 31st of March . Today was the most normal I have felt in a while . My sats were good enough for me to not need extra oxygen for most of the day . I 'm on it now , but still , it 's been a good day . This morning , I didn 't fancy watching Eamonn and Ruth be unbearable , so I caught up on The Magicians and did some mindless crocheting . After this project , I really need to make something for nurse Jenny 's baby and for James . I also had issues with Vue and their stupid website trying to book tickets for Ghost in the Shell . It 's an odd sort of film . I kind of get the premise and I found it interesting , but I didn 't really see the point . Having done some research , I think it 's too large a story and world to cram into a 100 minute film . One thing I did like was the choice Scarlett Johansson made to lead her walk February 19 , 2017 The 16th of February . We have a plan . In fact , we have many plans ! I got called in pretty much straight away again ( I do like the promptness of Andrew 's clinic ) and first off , he was really very annoyed that I hadn 't heard from the compression garment people , so he fired off what I think was a politely passive - aggressive email immediately . I went on to explain how it 's affecting my breathing and mental health , and I didn 't cry , but I wobbled . He went back into my pictures , and we talked about my contrast allergy again . I showed him the pictures of the rash and he agreed that I cannot have the iodine - based contrast , so we have four other options available : carbon dioxide , which they would watch displace the blood , measuring the pressure in the veins , the gadolinium ( the MRI dye they usually use on me ) and IVUS , which is intravascular ultrasound , where they put an ultrasound probe inside the vein and get pictures that way . Then it really depends on what they find , but he 's going to try to sort it out asap , because he now understands how debilitating it is for me . We have to wait for him to talk to the people who make IVUS because it 's not a standard going they have in the hospital . I left feeling much better . Then , on the way out , I got a call from the compression garment people ! They were very apologetic and asked if I could go there right then , so we turned right back around . I went to the orthotics department and booked in with the receptionist . Again , I was called in super fast , and the nice man took lots of measurements of my arm . He 's ordered it today , and has asked them to get it sent out express , so I 'm hoping they 'll call me back early next week ? I have to wear it 24 / 7 , so that will be fun . Afterwards , we went back to Andrew to let him know that it had happened , and he was delighted . Polite passive - aggressiveness works ! We went into town so I could get Penny a birthday card , then by the time we got home , I was starving . Lunch was most welcome . Then this afternoon , I watched the series finale of No Offence , and worked more of the complex , fine wool doily . Hand cramp ahoy . The 17th of February . Well , I have my compression garment . It is not my favourite . I got a phone call just after eleven from Chris , the guy I saw yesterday . My sleeve was in , when could I go in to collect it ? I suggested two o ' clock which he was happy with , and I hung up still in shock at how quickly it has happened . We went out straight after lunch , and were waiting for a little while but kept amused by the nonsensical rolling news along the bottom of the screen ( " Armed with a machine to pick cows up and an angle grinder , man gives cows pedicures . " " A nationwide depot search was conducted but the painting was never found . " " The club described the player as having a contagious energy and sense of humour which lit up a room . " ) . After twenty minutes , he came to get me , and proceeded to fit the sleeve . I do not look forward to us having to do it - it 's so much harder than the TED stockings . He said the most common injury in their department is ruptured fingers - dislocated knuckles and torn ligaments from pulling garments up people 's limbs . I have to wear it all the time except in the shower . God . Once it was on and in the right place , we went into town again to take back a jumper I 'd ordered ( did not resemble website photo ) , and I got a different one which will also go back because the arms aren 't big enough . This evening , I was out at The Old Rep to see Josie Long , supported by Tez Ilyaz . There was little traffic , so I arrived ridiculously early . To fill the time , I got myself a glass of wine and read the little programme Josie had made . When the doors opened , she was doing pre - show karaoke , which was basically her singing along to the Pina Colada song on her phone . Such fun ! She did a bit , then Tez did his bit ( which was very good , I am going get tickets from him at Machynlleth ) , then it was interval time . I had to pee , and on the way to the toilet I saw Malcolm , who I used to hang out with back when I was at school and was one of the photographers at Becky and James ' wedding . Then , when I came out , I was recognised by Bryony , a nurse from the QE who I love dearly and haven 't seen for ages . Bonus , unexpected chat , so that was an added delight to the evening . Josie then came on and did her show , and I just love her . She is such a font of positivity and optimism but also rage , which is what we need when the world feels so terrible . She ended on a high note of an audience sing - a - long to Take That 's Never Forget , and as people filed out they all wanted photos and to talk which she gladly took part in , and I climbed up the stairs to the stage so we could catch up . I met Tez , and Josie 's boyfriend Johnny , and we talked about the show and Mach . They tidied up the stage , removing all her banners , and we ambled out of stage door where there were still some very dedicated fans waiting . I am not looking forward to sleeping with this thing on my arm . In Journal Andrew Willis , comedy , compression garment , february , Josie Long , qehb , Tez Ilyaz The 18th & 19th ; There was so much pain as it ripped away from the skin inside . Today has not gone at all how I expected . Up at half past five , at the Women 's by half seven . Mommy came up to the ward with me ( mainly because I couldn 't carry my overnight bag on the chair ) , then left me with a couple on my right and one in the far corner . The nurse ( whose name I can 't remember ) came to clerk me in , and was amazed by my history ( as are most people ) . She was grateful for my drugs list , gave me a red wristband ( allergies ) , then the healthcare assistant , Mercy , came to do my obs and bring me my anti - DVT stockings . While getting changed , I took a sneaky sip of water to help my dry mouth , then I sat and listened to the corner couple having a hushed , Jeremy Kyle - style domestic . She was really stressed about whatever she was having done , and he was telling her to " Just deal with it like everybody else in here . " , which was not very helpful . They both wanted each other to fuck off , but she also wanted him to be able to stay because she 'd freak out if left alone . I gleaned that she wants a hysterectomy but nobody will do that because she 's only 23 . Poor girl . Miss Byrom and Gerwyn the anaesthetist came to see us all individually . She just ran through with me again what she was going to do - remove / separate the adhesions , attempt to do a smear , and take biopsies if deemed necessary . Gerwyn was very nice ( as are all the anaesthetists I 've met ) and he was glad to have my latest lung function results . He mentioned that he wouldn 't be intubating me ( for a short sleep I 'd bloody well hope not ) , just putting down a smaller breathing tube . That was fine . I moved over to the theatre gurney , and was wheeled into the anaesthetic room . I met some new people , confirmed my identity and what I was having done , then Gerwyn had to find somewhere to cannulate me . The first vein didn 't want to co - operate , then the one on the other hand was only too happy to squirt blood everywhere . Still , it was in , then he gave me some morphine to relax me , put the mask over my face emitting gas that smelled of vanilla , and off to sleep I went . I awoke maybe 45 minutes later , conscious that some time had passed but not long . No dreams . I was acutely aware that things were inside me and that I needed the toilet . I was told that in theatre they had put a catheter and a pack in , which would be pressing on my rectum which was why I felt like I needed to poo . The nurse in recovery was pleased with how awake I was and that I was drinking and talking , so she called the ward and the other nurse looking after me ( Rachel ) came down . I asked her if the lady in the corner had stayed and it turned out she had . Change of heart . The boyfriend had had to leave though because them 's the rules . She checked the inco - pad underneath me and we found that the catheter had come undone , so she screwed it back together and changed the pad so I had a clean bed . Back on the ward , they said I would have to stay for at least six hours , until half past four , when they could take the pack out , then the catheter , and I 'd have to pee without it . This was not great news but fine , I could deal with it , I just had to adjust my position regularly . It was really , very uncomfortable , and the need to poo did not abate at all . I was brought some tea and toast which at least made my tummy stop rumbling . I texted Mommy and Christine to let them know how I was , and finished off the blog post . Visiting started at 2 , so I asked Mommy if she 's come then with some coffee and lunch . To pass the time , I worked on my Christmas scarf and tried to ignore my discomfort . When she arrived , I explained in more detail what had happened this morning and told her about the whispered argument in the corner ( which seemed to have been forgotten when he returned ) . I drank my peppermint mocha and ate my panini , all the while wriggling around . I tweeted and crocheted , and we kept hearing the nurse ring a particular doctor about him coming to see the lady in the other corner , then she could leave . She waited for him for four hours , and in the end , he didn 't even show up , just gave some instructions on what she needed to do . I would have been fuming . By ten past four , I was counting down the minutes until we could take the pack out . I was the only one left in the bay by this point , so I could be plenty vocal about my need to have to removed . Thankfully , at half four on the dot , Rachel was all ready to do it . The curtains got pulled round , I pulled the sheet down and spread my legs . She put a sick bowl down for the pack to go in , and started pulling out the gauze . I have never , ever experienced anything like it . There was so much pain as it ripped away from the skin inside my vagina , and seemed to go on forever , like when a magician pulls a string of flags from his sleeve . In a way it did seem like magic because I have no idea how they fit so much in there . At one point , we got to a knot where it emerged that there were two packs tied together and we were only halfway through ! I was in absolute agony but I told her to keep going because I just needed it to be over . When she 'd finished , the blood - soaked gauze filled the sick bowl and I didn 't even feel any of the relief that I 'd expected , just sheer trauma . Thank fuck I never have to give birth because that was one of the worst things I have ever been through . I was still bleeding a lot , so we didn 't take out the catheter in case they had to put another pack in . I really did not want this to happen and I willed my body to stop . Thankfully , it did slow down , and by the time Miss Byrom came round , it was at a much more acceptable rate . She had prescribed some topical estrogen cream and explained how to use it , and gave me a slightly more graphic description of what had happened in theatre . Basically , there was only a tiny amount of vagina that was open , maybe a centimetre , and she really just had to stick her finger through and rip me apart . Brutal , but the only way . Also , they couldn 't see any hint of my cervix or the coil , but they 're definitely in there . Just don 't know how we 'll get them out when it comes to that . Still , she was happy with how I was , so the catheter and cannulas could be removed . Then I would just have to wee and I 'd be able to go home ! I didn 't expect this to be a problem as I 'd been drinking all afternoon , but my bladder was not keen on letting any of it go . I managed one rather small wee , which was not adequate , then I just had to drink more . I drank glass after glass , watching the clock because I really wanted to get to The Glee to see Tom and Suzi for 8 . About 10 past 7 , my stomach was as tight as drum with the amount of water filling it up , and I went to see if there was anything to be done that might help . I couldn 't have any diuretics , but Rachel was happy that I had at least done a wee and was confident that I was sensible enough to know what to do if anything seemed wrong . This meant I was the first one in , and for a little while , I sat alone in the studio while an excellent playlist of musical theatre tunes played . I couldn 't do the kicks on stage that I might have , but I did take a selfie because I 'm cool . Then the room started to fill up , and Tom and Suzi appeared ! The format was essentially intro , Suzi 's show , interval , Tom 's show . They were both equally hilarious and thought - provoking and delightful in different ways , and I enjoyed myself immensely . I popped into the dressing room at the interval to say hello and have hugs and chats , and I got to wang on about my very strange day . Time flew by , and suddenly it was time for part two , so we had group hug and a photo before Tom 's half . I think his show was longer than Suzi 's , and by the time it was curtain down , it was nearly eleven o ' clock and I was very ready to go to bed . So tired . But I was really happy I got to finish my day laughing so much with my lovely pals . Well I don 't feel great . Having got in late , I thought I 'd sleep really well , but all that water caught up with me and I woke up four times to pee . Did not want to wake up at half nine when my alarm went off but I thought I should . I stayed in my pyjamas all morning , feeling rather delicate and taking things slowly . Mommy and I caught up on I 'm A Celebrity , and I finished crocheting the tiny Christmas tree for inside a bauble . Lunchtime came round quickly , and it felt like a beans on toast kind of day . Warm , cosy food . This afternoon , I had a go with the topical estrogen . It didn 't work quite the way I thought it would with the dilator , so tomorrow I 'll try the applicator that was provided . It certainly went in a lot further than it used to , so the surgery definitely did its job . I was glad I decided to it on a towel as I am still bleeding and had I not , I would have ruined a duvet cover . Admittedly only a rather unexciting one from Tesco , but still . I then spent a good couple of hours writing four and half pages about yesterday . I really hope you enjoy all the detail . When I 'd finished , I finally read this morning 's paper , and made the penultimate bauble . Just one left to go , for the tree to go in . It might have to be a special one because a ) I have run out of outer bauble wool and b ) the tree seems too big to fit in the same size as the rest . The 12th of November . So the adoption didn 't go ahead last night because the lady 's daughter ( who was driving her ) got stuck at work so they 're coming this evening . I ended up arriving at the mac before Nish , but I had a nice time with a kitty who was sitting outside courting attention . A very big pretty floofer . We met up and went to the theatre , but then had to shout down to someone to let us in . The tech guy materialised and opened the doors , then Nish ran through the music and lighting cues with him before we went to his dressing room . We had tea and talked ( inevitably ) about Trump , still unable to really comprehend it , then quickly moved onto lighter subjects like Joel going to the jungle , other reality TV shows , the shows of other comics , his mum 's appearance on It 's Not What You Know , The Outcast Comic , all sorts of junk . I love him , we have such a good time . Obviously the show was excellent , and even improved by an appearance from an audience member who called himself " The General " looked like an Asian version of Angelos . He started interjecting in a rather nonsensical manner and ended up closing the first half with an utterly dreadful freestyle rap which rendered us all helpless . Amazing . Today has not been as fun . Amy got adopted this morning , which was not easy - she had to be pushed into the carrier . I did chuck a lot of treats in to make it better . I think she 'll be fine - happy to get away from the kittens ! I then had the rest of the day to myself , as Mommy and Daddy got invited by Uncle Peter ( who is not technically my uncle ) to go and see Kiss Me Kate by the WNO so they 've been there since lunchtime . I have filled my time crocheting my Christmas scarf , watching Rise of the Guardians and eating chocolate buttons . I also went to give all the kittens a good stroke and a fuss to make sure they were okay , but they don 't seem to have noticed Amy 's gone . Which is good , to be honest . Now just waiting for Ava and Amira 's adopter to arrive . I hope someone in the family has an email address . The 13th of November . Today certainly ended unexpectedly . I sat with Archie this morning because he was making lots of sad noises after his sisters were adopted . We took the cage down , he has been having lots of fun ( in between the sad mews ) rampaging around the room . My back has been terrible since Friday night - I think the seats at the mac are to blame - so I spent my afternoon in a comfortable chair , crocheting things which I then unravelled . I eventually started working on some Christmas baubles , when my phone rang . It was the adopter from last night , and she told me I had to have Ava back because she 'd gone mental and taken a chunk out of her finger . I was very taken aback by this , and said I 'd have to speak to one of my colleagues and get back to her . I rang Shaki , and we decided she 'd come to my house and we 'd go and assess the situation together . When we arrived , we ascertained what had happened , and made the decision that we would refund their money and take both of the kittens back . ( Obviously a lot more than this happened but I can 't put it on here . Sorry , I wish I could share ! ) This morning , Daddy took me into Birmingham so I could pick up my replacement phone and he could see what Apple have done to Taid 's old workplace ( he worked there when it was the Midland Bank ) . He very much enjoyed their accessibility solution , and once inside , I sent him off to have a look around while I found someone who could help . I found a man with the right information , and I got taken to a table to wait for another person to bring me the new phone . He took the old one , erased it , put the SIM in the new one and we were done . Then I just had to wait for Daddy to resurface . When he finally did , we returned home , and after lunch I went upstairs to restore the phone from the backup . Thankfully it didn 't take a ridiculously long time , so when it was done I still had time to call the vet and book the kittens and Amy in for chipping and neutering , then the adopters of three of the kittens so I can meet them before the actual adoption . I 've now just had Sheila on the phone and she 's trying to convince me to take on the homing officer role . I 'll think about it . The 22nd of October . I 'm really sleepy , so much that I am wishing the hours to bedtime away . I got in quite late because the gig ran over by about twenty minutes , mainly because of heckling by a twat called Rob , and he ( Joel , not Rob ) hung around afterwards for photos and chats so I had one of each - he actually recognised me from Twitter and is proud to join the illustrious group that is my cool gang of comedy pals . I also got recognised in the toilet by a girl who was at the gig on Wednesday , and she asked how my popcorn lung was . My level of fame is rising . Becky came round this morning ( having given me enough notice to allow time for me to get dressed ) and we had a good chinwag . Her cats , my cats , her school , my latest medical fun , her brothers , and my phone saga . We went to see the kitties and I passed them all to her one at a time for pets . They were all very well - behaved , and now I 've got Shari coming back on Tuesday to see Angelica andThe 18th & 19th ; I am not built for this weather . Recent Comments Tracey on The 10th & 11th ; I climbed … notewords on The 29th & 30th ; I write t … notewords on In hospital again . palladas on In hospital again . Tracey on In hospital again . Categories Journal ( 668 )
Holly and Emily were still asleep when Rebecca woke up the next morning . She got up and tiptoed out . Back in her own room , she glanced at the phone as she got ready but decided against calling him . He was out late the night before . He deserved some sleep . She buttoned the last button on her light blue sweater that made her look like a schoolgirl and took a look in the mirror . Not great , but it was better than the spattered T - shirt . She grabbed two ponytail holders and twisted loose braids onto either side of her head . It wasn 't great , but she wasn 't going for great anyway . Eric couldn 't clearly tell what possessed him to get up on Sunday morning . Maybe it was being grateful they hadn 't gotten pounded or shot the night before . Maybe it was how Rebecca talked about her Bible Study group . Maybe it was that he 'd enjoyed going to services the week before . Whatever it was , he wanted to be front and center when those church bells rang . He decided against the tie but for the Dockers . His friends would think he had gone all the way around the bend of sanity if they knew he was going to church by himself again for no reason other than he felt like it . In fact , he wasn 't totally sure he wasn 't going crazy . Yet something about this felt right . He was too tired to analyze that , so rather than thinking about it , he set the autopilot on his body . It kicked in exactly as he had expected . It propelled him down to the car , took the turns , stopped at the lights , and in minutes he was pulling into the church parking lot . Apparently he wasn 't the only one called to attend this morning . The parking lot was rather full . He got out and walked to the steps . Just as his foot fell on the first one , two little girls in pastel purple and pink rushed by him . Each had a white hat and neat white shoes . He smiled even as their mother called to them to slow down from behind him . Running to church rather than running away from it . What a concept . At the door he held it for the mother who thanked him . He nodded and smiled . Following them down the hallway , he noticed several other small girls with much the same outfits on . Some were yellow . Some pale green . It was like being in a watercolor painting of a pastel sunrise . It wasn 't until he made it to the inside doors that his mind asked him what in the world he thought he was doing . He didn 't know , and he didn 't care . He was here , and he was going in . He found a seat a quarter of the way from the back and off to the right where he stepped into the bench . Next to him was a family . He nodded to them , hoping they wouldn 't guess he wasn 't really supposed to be there and throw him out . Not knowing what to do next , he sat down and let his spirit take in the church . It was the one with the young preacher from their research trip . He didn 't know if it was his favorite . He didn 't have enough information to choose a favorite , but he was here . Good , bad , or indifferent . He was here . Rebecca climbed out of her car and hurried up the steps . Her arms were clamped decisively at her chest , shielding her from the curious looks she was sure were coming her way . She put her head down and concentrated on walking . At the inside doors , she heaved a sigh of decision and stepped through them . Not wanting to go too far forward , she chose a seat to the left four rows back . She sat down and spread her hands across her skirt nervously . As she fought to slow her breathing and keep the thoughts of the night before from overtaking her , she looked up and noticed the huge replica of the tomb near the front pulpit . Although deep brown with streaks of black , it was mesmerizing because inside someone had placed a light that shone out from the center of it . The replica held her attention . It drilled into her heart , calling to her spirit with a pull she didn 't quite understand . The service started , and she stood . Her arms went back around her chest . She wished she knew more about what was going on . Everyone else seemed to be saying prayers as if prompted by Heaven . She , however , didn 't have the direct line they seemed to , so she just put her head down and prayed in her heart . There were readings , but her spirit didn 't hear them . It was too focused on that empty tomb . Then they stood , and there were more readings . When everyone sat again , Rebecca followed without any real direct brain signals . She shifted once and then anchored her attention on the young preacher who stepped to the pulpit . Her heart smiled at the memory of him . The last time she 'd heard him talk , Eric was beside her . Instinctively she whispered a prayer of thanks for him . A muted " Happy Easter " crossed the crowd , and Rebecca 's spirit tumbled . She 'd forgotten it was Easter . Her thoughts went to her parents . They were probably somewhere in a church very much like this one . They were dressed in their finest , with their fine friends around them . A hollow , emptiness crept over her , and she shifted again . The tomb called her focus , and she resettled it there . " It 's almost a given in our understanding today that Christ came to spread the Good News . The Good News , the paradigm - cracking , earth - shattering , Good News of how much God loves us . Never before in the history of the world was God equated with love . Prior to Christ 's arrival , God was powerful and full of wrath if His justice was not done . The people of Jesus ' time did not know a loving God . They knew a God they were to fear . They knew to learn the laws so as not to break them and come under God 's almighty wrath . And then this Jesus shows up and starts preaching about the love of God . Make no mistake . This was a new idea . It was radical . " Then Jesus Christ took the lesson one gigantic step further . He allowed God to use Him to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt how much God loves us . On Good Friday , Jesus gave Himself in payment for our sins . He let God pour out His virtuous wrath over the injustices of a hate - filled , sin - filled world on His holy and sinless body . He bled His holy blood drop - by - drop in repayment for our sins . Yes , in repayment but also so that 2 , 000 years later , we can grab onto the fact that He 's been there . " That 's right . He 's been there . You feel abandoned and alone ? Jesus Christ hung on a cross - alone and in pain , and He asked where God had gone ! Not only had His friends betrayed and abandoned Him , but He felt like God , the Father He had poured His very life out for had abandoned Him too . Have you ever been there ? Have you ever believed in your core that God had abandoned you just when you needed Him the most ? Jesus knows . He understands . He 's been there . " That 's what makes Easter Sunday morning so amazing ! How many of us have felt abandoned , tread upon , pushed to the side , trashed , and ignored , and then spent the next umpteen years whining about that ? ' I wasn 't loved as a child . ' ' I didn 't have the right encouragement , the right opportunities , the right support , and so I have a right to be messed up . I have a right to be angry and hateful and mean - spirited . " The preacher stopped and surveyed the crowd . " Right ? Don 't we feel that way ? Vindicated in our hurts ? Validated in our pain ? We 're victims ! We 've been hurt , and therefore , we have the right to hurt and rip and tear everything and everyone in our paths . " But just as paradigm shattering as Jesus ' exclamation of the Good News was to those who heard Him before the crucifixion , is the message He delivers to us in no uncertain terms after His resurrection . This is a man who was beaten bloody , abandoned , spat upon , slashed , and murdered , but when He arose , He did not come back with vengeance in His heart . No . His first task was to find those who had betrayed Him not to punish them but so He could show how much He still loved them despite everything . For example , He found Peter . Now don 't you know Peter felt about as low as a person could ? I 'm sure in His guilt , he would never have conceived of the love and forgiveness Jesus extended to him without so much as requiring an apology . " Rebecca 's gaze fell from the preacher . She crossed her arms in front of her . He was asking the impossible , to forgive without the other person repenting , to forgive and to love without asking a single thing in return . Her heart wound around the hurt there , fighting to keep it with her . " Jesus Christ , the savior of the world , was buried for two days . He was buried in a tomb . He understands about being buried under a mountain , a mountain of hate and hurt and pain . He understands because He 's been there . But the remarkable thing is what He chose to do with that understanding . He chose to use it not as a reason to hate but as a rationalization to love . Over and over again , He says , ' I understand . I understand . I know what you 're going through . I 've been there , but you don 't have to stay there . See , I have rolled back the stone on your tomb too . " ' Don 't stay in the hate and the pain . Come out . Come to Me . Come with Me . I love you . ' " The words twisted into the dark crevices of Rebecca 's heart even as the preacher leaned forward , drawing her in with the intensity of his voice . " And once you know that to the depths of your soul , forgiving others becomes something you want to do , not something you have to do - grudgingly , with malice around the edges . You want to forgive them because you , like Christ , understand what it 's like to be buried under a mountain of junk . You want , like He did , to move their stone a fraction of an inch and to hold out a hand to them . Really understanding what hurt feels like brings love , not bitterness , hate , or unforgiveness . God 's love is like that . God 's love brings you out of the junk . God 's love rolls the stone back and gives you the peace to do the same for others . " Are you His love to those around you ? Are you someone who believes He will open the tombs , or are you someone who is intent on shoveling dirt onto the tombs of those around you ? Do you leave people a little better for you being around or a little worse ? What is your intention in any given situation - to build yourself up at the expense of others , or to help them find the peace of knowing they aren 't alone in their pain ? Do you strive to make yourself feel better by tearing other people down , or do you give love and pray that their tomb will be opened like yours was ? " You have to be willing to let go of the hurt of Friday to get to the joy of Sunday . And if love is your goal , your life should be about helping those around you do the same . That 's the message of Easter morning . " He paused for one moment and then raised his hands . " Let us pray . " Eric stood with the rest of the congregation , but his thoughts were no longer in the church . They had fled to the shell of a life he called his own . As his soul examined that life , he saw the bitterness , the grasping and the holding onto the pain . Jeremy , Ryan , Ransom - he blamed them for the emptiness of his life . He folded his arms over his chest . Loneliness , emptiness , pain , and fear gripped him with a ferocity that ripped the breath from his chest . He reached down , put his hands on the pew in front of him and leaned over . His hair fell in sheets around his face . For more months than he could really count , he had held this pain like a badge . They didn 't know . They didn 't understand . They couldn 't . They all had someone . He didn 't . No one could understand how much that hurt , how much it hurt to see them all so happy and in love . No one could possibly understand what it was like to look into the future and see nothing but blackness . No one to share it with . No one to understand . And yet … His gaze came up and locked onto the tomb , illuminated from the depths by a light so bright it seemed to radiate forth . That light banished the blackness , dispersed the emptiness inside the tomb . It shone forth , calling him out of the pain . He sniffed so softly only he heard it . Maybe , maybe Someone did know . Maybe Someone had been there - alone , empty , afraid , seeing only a future filled with blackness . And maybe , just maybe that Someone understood even now . Hope surged through Eric 's breathing . He hadn 't been looking . He hadn 't been out on a quest to find this man they called Jesus , this God , and yet , somehow God had found him . Noise around him brought his attention back from his thoughts , and he knelt with the rest of them . However , the service words still did not penetrate the words his soul seemed to be screaming . He let his head fall forward as he squeezed his eyes closed . " God , I think I 've gotten so many things wrong . I 've made everyone around me wrong . I 've been mad at them for what I thought they were doing to me . But I don 't want that in my life anymore . I want to come out . I want to believe , to feel that You love me no matter what . I want that more than anything in the world . Please help me . " The others stood once again , and he stumbled to his feet . There was a song he didn 't really hear , and then the preacher walked out , and the service was over . With a long slow stream of air , Eric exhaled . Then he swiped his hands through his hair to get his composure back . He turned and took one step . In the next instant , however , body and soul , he stopped cold . " Rebecca ? What 're you doing here ? " The second she saw him she looked like she 'd been caught stealing the Mona Lisa . " I … hi . " She wrapped her arms over her chest . Her gaze dropped to her feet , and his followed . They stood for a moment without saying anything , and then she turned out of her bench to walk in front of him . He followed , one step behind , trying to figure out how not to pass out from holding his breath that seemed to be lodged in the top of his chest . They walked out into the throng of people , but neither stopped to talk to anyone . He waited to take another shot at conversation again until they were out the main doors and in the parking lot . He stuffed his hands in his pockets and glanced over at her as they descended the stairs . " How 's Holly ? ' " We slept over there last night , " Rebecca continued . She rolled her shoulder under the purse and her hand went to the back of her neck . " I was afraid Gus might try something stupid . " " I don 't know , but I didn 't want to take the chance . " They made it to her car , and Rebecca laid her back against the door and her gaze on her feet . " Thanks for coming last night . " Her gaze chanced up to his but didn 't hold . " I didn 't know who else to call . " Sympathy and compassion slid through him as he looked at her . " I 'm glad you did . You didn 't need to be going over there by yourself . " " Any time . " The feeling of wanting to take her in his arms and hold her until the sadness in her left gripped him . Fighting it off , he glanced across the parking lot as vehicles drove off in various directions . Then his gaze came back to her , and he couldn 't talk himself out of his next request . " What do you say we go somewhere and get some breakfast . I 'm starving . " For a long moment she didn 't move . Then she shook her head slowly . " I 'd better get back . I don 't want to impose on Em anymore than I already have . " He considered that . " You 're probably right . " He exhaled , wanting to say so much and yet not having the words or the courage to so much as start . " I will . " With that , she slammed the door and drove off , leaving him standing in the parking lot . For several long minutes he didn 't move . Then he let his gaze fall to the asphalt , and he shook his head . " God , why is this so hard ? " He put his hand over his head and scratched the back of it as he turned for his own car . The tears streaming down Rebecca 's face created no discernable patterns as she pulled into traffic . Ache in the center of her spirit pulled them out and sent them tumbling down like a waterfall in the springtime . She swiped them away . It was a good thing she had gotten away when she did . He would think she was a complete idiot . Fear and pain jammed into the top of her chest . Fear she hadn 't allowed herself to feel the night before , and pain from so long before she couldn 't tell when it had started . How had her life gotten so confusing ? Why couldn 't it just be normal like everyone else 's ? " God , why is this so hard ? " She shook her head in a vain attempt to stop the tears . They weren 't going to help anyway . She took a long hard breath and forced all the bad stuff down . Somehow she had to get it together and keep it together for Holly 's sake if not for her own . The questions swirling around Eric would have to be dealt with at some other time . Survival and safety needed to be her paramount concern right now . She 'd considered telling him how scared she still was , but it wasn 't clear to her if that was the truth or just an excuse to get him to hang around with her longer . The mere fact that it could be a tactic to get him not to leave made her cringe at the lengths it seemed she had to go to get someone to want to be around her . He would have stayed , of course , if she 'd have given him half a notion of all the horrid scenarios that had been playing through her head since the night before . That was the kind of guy he was . However , somewhere between not wanting him to think she was a complete wimp and not wanting to see him fawn over Holly , she twisted her fear into a tight knot and swallowed it . He had his own life . He didn 't need to be following her around playing James Bond . At the dorms , she pulled into the first available space , killed the engine , took a breath , and went to face life as it now stood . It took one more breath at Emily 's door to steady her nerves . She knocked softly , and in seconds Emily was there . Feeling like it might be her last act on this earth , Rebecca hugged her friend . " I might just do that . " When she let go , she said , " Thanks " once more , then turned for her own room . Trepidation stomped through her as she climbed the stairs . " Oh , Holy Spirit , please be with me today . I need You now more than ever . " At her door she stopped to make sure she was still breathing before she pushed the door open . Inside , Holly sat on her bed , two notebooks and a textbook spread out around her . Rebecca didn 't know what to say , so she didn 't say anything . She simply walked over to her side of the room and sat down at her desk . Her gaze went to the door . It was unlocked , and she wondered if she should go lock it . Then she had the feeling she would never look at that unlocked door the same way again . Focusing on her fear and wallowing in it didn 't seem like the best of options so she went through her others . Her gaze dropped to her books on the ground , and although she wasn 't sure she would be able to get anything to stick in her brain , it was her least worst option . She stood , went around , and sat on the bed , pulling her skirt around her legs . " They arrested Gus for possession of an illegal firearm and contributing to minors . A whole bunch of stuff apparently . " The information wound to a stop , and no one said anything for a minute . " Jake said his frat brothers didn 't know who called the cops . I told him I didn 't either . " Anger and jealousy reached up and clawed through Rebecca as she shook her head . Her gaze fell back to her book although she didn 't really see it . Here was Holly . She could have any guy she wanted . She could 've had Eric for crying out loud , and yet she chose to hang out with losers who used her and abused her and left her in the muck of violent , broken relationships . It made no sense . More than anything she wanted to put Holly in the place people like her deserved to be once and for all . The only people they thought about were themselves , and for once , Rebecca wanted to tell one outright how disgustingly awful that was . However , when Rebecca looked up , the vacant , sad , down - trodden face across the room swept those thoughts from her . Understanding , real understanding brings love . She understood that look , that feeling of knowing not only that no one cares but that they actually wish you weren 't even around . Compassion slipped through her with the understanding , and as illogical as it seemed , she realized they had more in common than she had ever realized . " I don 't think you 're a tramp , Holly . I do think for some reason you 've decided those kinds of guys are what you deserve . " " It 's a lie , you know . But as long as you believe the lie , it 's the only real that can get in . " Rebecca 's gaze dropped back to her lap because her heart hurt to see her roommate look so beaten down by life . As Rebecca 's mind traced back over their time together , her thoughts swirled . " I just can 't figure it out . You 've got everything . The body . The hair . The clothes . Popularity follows you around like a puppy dog . All the guys want to be around you . They notice you the second you walk into a room , and yet , it 's like you take that and twist it until the nice guys have no shot and the scummy ones are lined up at the door . " Her gaze drifted back to the door , and she hoped her words wouldn 't be taken literally . " You even stomped all over Eric , and he 's pulled your butt out of more than one scummy guy 's clutches . What sense does that make ? " " It doesn 't . It doesn 't make any sense at all . He didn 't deserve me , and I sure didn 't deserve him . " The words sounded more like a whisper than a statement . At the mirror , Holly 's hands picked up a hairbrush , twirled it , and then slammed it down with a soul - jarring whack . " It means I 'm not good enough for Eric . Okay ? It means he deserves someone … someone who 's not a tramp . " Holly 's gaze traced up to the mirror , and acceptance of awful slid through her face . " Yes , I am . Look at me . Guys don 't want me for me . They want me because I 'm an easy lay . They want me to show off to their friends like I 'm some kind of a trophy . I 'm not a person . I 'm property . " The sigh slid from Holly slowly . " Well , it was supposed to be to start over , to put the past behind me . But I guess no matter how far you run , you 're still there , huh ? " She laughed with a bitterness that tore Rebecca 's heart in two . " I guess no matter how hard I try I 'm still just like her . " A small , hollow , spirit - depleting laugh jumped from Holly . " My mom . " Holly shook her head , and it was clear how hard she was fighting not to cry . " She was just like me - the town tramp . Everybody knew it , including me . " The more the words came , the harder she had to work to get them out . " She had boyfriends , all kinds of them . They 'd come , spend the night , maybe even spend a few nights . Then they 'd be gone and the next one would take their place . " " I do … for as long as this one lasts . " The clinch of Holly 's arms around her chest tightened . " But none of them last very long , couple months tops . Then she gets tired of them or something happens , and they move out , and we move on to the next one . " " But , you 've got to know , you 're not your mother . " Rebecca slid her book from her lap as concern overtook her . " You 're you , Holly . You can make different choices . " Absently Holly turned back to the mirror . She reached up and , with glazed eyes , whisked two strands of her bangs off her forehead . " I tried . " Holly 's entire spirit seemed to fall with her gaze . " With Chase Morgan , back in high school . " The name made Holly squeeze her eyes closed and take in a sharp breath . Her face crumpled with the memories . " He was everything . Everything I 'd ever wanted in a guy . Everything everybody wants in a guy . He was strong and safe . He had values and dreams . And he loved me . As unbelievable as that was , he really loved me . " " I said I loved him , too , and I really wanted to , " Holly continued , her voice seeming to drift away into the memories . " I really did . But I didn 't know how to love anybody . So I did what I knew . Within two weeks we were making out all the time . To me that was cool . It was the way things were supposed to be even though at first he tried to slow things down . Eventually he went along with it because he loved me . But the truth was , he was in trouble all the time with his parents for staying out with me too late or for not coming home at all . He said he didn 't care , that I was worth it . Man , I wanted to believe that . Then he asked me to go steady . " The story slammed to a stop , and Rebecca wondered if she would ever hear the end of it . The real end she already knew . It featured Holly breaking Eric 's heart in living color . In truth she knew the next turn Holly hadn 't even said yet . It was all too plain . She wished she could do something take the pain away from that face . That pain was all too familiar , but before she could think of what that something could be , Holly continued . " I don 't know what made me do it , " she said , and the words had no life to them at all . " To this day , I really don 't . Eddie was real trouble . I knew it . The whole school knew it . He was into drugs , and fast cars , and no telling what else . I don 't even remember who came on to whom anymore . All I remember is the look on Chase 's face when he caught us together in the parking lot at the end of a school dance . He never forgave me for that . Not that I blame him . I wouldn 't have forgiven me either . " Slowly Rebecca slid off the bed and stepped over to where Holly was leaning on the sink . Holy Spirit , give me the words . " Look , you may not believe this , but do you know what I see when I look at you ? " " I 'm serious . You just don 't let yourself see how beautiful and special you are . You let all this junk cover what 's real , but that doesn 't mean it 's not there . " Rebecca took a breath to settle the words . " It 's like the preacher was saying this morning . We 're all like Jesus . We 're all buried under a mountain of junk . We let the world whip us to a bloody pulp , hang us on a cross of what we 've done wrong , and then bury us in a tomb covered with junk . Everybody else tell us we can 't do it , that we 're not worth it , that what we want to be isn 't something we can ever reach , so we stop trying . We talk ourselves out of what might be because we think we know what is . But none of that 's real . What 's real is He loves us . God loves us . " He loves us so much He sent Jesus to die for all the stupid stuff we 've done and the stupid stuff that 's been done to us . He sent Jesus to pay everything we owe for every time we take a wrong turn , for every time we have taken His love and twisted it into hate for ourselves and everybody around us . But the truth is no matter what happens , no matter what you 've done , He still loves you , Holly . He loves you . No matter what you 've done , no matter who you 've hurt . He loves you , and He wants you to be free of all this junk that 's stacked on top of you making you believe death is preferable to life . He doesn 't believe that . He didn 't believe it for Himself , and He doesn 't believe it for you . That 's why He rolled the stone back on His grave . And when He rolled His back , He rolled yours back too . You just haven 't realized it yet . " Tears began streaming down from Rebecca 's eyes as forgiveness flooded her heart . " God doesn 't want you to be in pain , Hol . He wants you to live . He wants you to come out and stop letting the junk define who you think you are . It doesn 't . He does . And in His eyes , you are the beautiful child He made , the child He loves beyond everything else in this world . " " Was what you knew . But that doesn 't mean it 's all that can ever be . " Suddenly in a blinding flash of light , Rebecca 's own future sparked before her . She closed her eyes , sniffed , and shook her head in amazement . " He 's got a plan for you , Holly . A plan so incredible you wouldn 't believe it even if you could see it . " Rebecca laughed outright at that . " Yeah . That 's why He 's been sending me to all these church services and all these Bible studies … because He hates you so much He 's spent the last month showing me the words He wanted me to say to you tonight . " She laughed again . " It 's a lie , Holly . It is . It 's the devil trying to talk you out of hearing what God wants you to know . Believe me , I of all people should know what that 's like . " She shook her head . " I was so jealous of you , I couldn 't see straight . " " Yes , you . You had the friends and the guys and the looks . What did I have ? My books ? Whole afternoons spent in the Student Union wishing someone would notice I was alive ? I wanted to be you because I thought that would make everything in my life perfect . " " But I thought you were . That 's what the devil was whispering in my ear , ' She 's so perfect . If you were like her , then life would be wonderful . ' Don 't you see ? He was lying to all of us . He was telling Eric that Eric wasn 't good enough for you to date . " " He was telling me I wasn 't good enough for Eric to date . He was telling you , you weren 't good enough for Eric to date . He was telling us all we weren 't good enough , and we all believed him ! " With each word , light seemed to burst forth from her soul . " It was a trap , and we all fell for it . " Excitement at finally getting it burst through her . " No , don 't you see ? Now that we see those lies for what they are , we 're free to choose to believe them or not rather than just taking them on face value as if they were true . " Although happiness imbued with the warmth and light of the sun was dancing through her , Rebecca calmed her spirit enough to realize that Holly hadn 't so much as stepped on the road Rebecca now knew she herself was on . It was time to slow down and invite Holly onto the road . Carefully , Rebecca twisted herself onto the floor in front of Holly . Gazing up at her friend , love she had never realized was inside her radiated from every pore . " You think that God looks at you and hates what He sees . I know . Believe me . That 's where I was a few weeks ago . I thought everybody hated me - my parents , my sister , God , everybody . I thought I was the biggest disappointment in the whole world . I 'm not saying I don 't still think that some times , but now I see it for the lie that it is . God made me for a reason . God put love in my heart to give to those around me . He put His love in my heart . " She had to take a breath to steady the joy running through her at that understanding . " He loves me more than I can ever put into words . He saved me from all the lies that have been running through my head for forever , and He wants to do that for you too … if you 'll let Him . " Holly 's gaze couldn 't hold Rebecca 's although it tried when she looked up . Finally it dropped back to her hands . " I don 't know how . " " That 's okay . You don 't have to . He does . Give it to Him . Just tell Him you 're willing to see things differently . " Rebecca smiled with a peace she had never known . " It 's never too late . He 's ready and waiting any time you decide you are . " She took a breath as she gazed at her friend . She knew what it was like to stand there on the edge of thinking things could ever get better , hoping it was true but believing it could never be . " You don 't have to do this alone . He 's here , ready to help , and if you need me , so am I . " The comment never so much as scratched the surface of Rebecca 's soft smile . " Because I know the Truth now . I 've met Him . I know what a difference He can make in your life , and I know how much He wants you to know that He loves you . He loves you , Holly . In fact , everything other than His love is smoke . " As morning slid into afternoon and then afternoon into evening , Eric fought to find reasons not to call . They were busy . They were talking . They didn 't want to hear from him anyway . He was concerned about Holly , yes , but he was more concerned about the sadness in Rebecca 's eyes that haunted his every step . It was there when they stood at her car , but in truth it had been there ever since he had known her . For weeks he 'd been telling himself it didn 't matter to him one way or the other . It was Rebecca . She had her life . He had his . They were friends - if that . What should it matter to him if her life wasn 't all roses ? And yet it did . In ways he couldn 't count nor articulate , it mattered . At 7 : 30 he could take it no more . He picked up the phone and dialed the number . It rang once , twice , and then a soft feminine voice said , " Hello ? " " Okay . " The word seemed destined to be followed by more , but it took a good twenty seconds for more to follow . " Listen , I wanted to say thanks . For everything . " Softly his spirit smiled . " Anytime . " When he hung up , Eric tried to catch onto the feelings swirling in him , but the harder he tried , the faster they went . The faster they went , the fewer whole thoughts he managed to hear , but the one name twisting through them all was the one he had done everything to deny . Rebecca . The more he looked , the clearer he saw what he had been too blind to fully grasp before . As little sense as it made Rebecca was the one he wanted . Rebecca was his match , his equal . She challenged him in ways no one else ever had , but along with the challenge came an unquestioned certainty that she believed he could do anything he set out to do . She believed in him even when he didn 't believe in himself . And the truth was , he believed in her too . He smiled at the thought of her porcupine hair . It wasn 't fancy . It wasn 't perfect . It was her , and that was all that mattered . Eric sighed . " I went to church again , okay ? After last night , I needed to do some connecting with Someone who could help me make sense of everything . " He hated the condescension in Jeremy 's voice . " Rebecca called . Holly got herself in the middle of a fight at a frat house . I had to go bail her out . " " Yeah , I just talked to her . She 's fine . " A soft smile drifted through him at the thought of Rebecca . " Listen , I 've got some studying to get done . " It hadn 't been an official Bible Study more a much - needed couple of hours with friends who helped set her life back on the Rock . Rebecca was grateful for Emily and for Dena even if she had eschewed two hours of studying in favor of being with them . Letting out the fear from the night before amid tears and truth was exactly what she needed to get her feet back under her again . When she got back to the room , Holly was sitting on her bed . It was nice to know she was still in one piece even if she hadn 't moved from that spot the whole day . Knowing she 'd better get some more studying done , Rebecca went quietly to her desk and pulled her Economics book down . Pure , unmitigated joy filled her lungs so that it didn 't matter if she was breathing or not . It wasn 't getting in anyway . " Oh , okay . Thanks . " She wished there was some other option than calling him back with Holly ten feet away listening to every word , but not even that was going to stop her . She slipped onto her bed , put her back to the wall , and pulled the phone over to her . The number had been inscribed on her heart since he 'd first given it to her for Holly . Hope crashed over hope as she listened to the phone ring . " Great . I really needed it . It 's so cool to be around people who know what 's important and who don 't mind helping you get there . " His sigh slid through her , pulling concern along with it . " To Jeremy it 's all about the money , and the others … Well , let 's just say we don 't talk about God - stuff much . " " I mean come with me on Wednesday night . They 're really great , and there 's plenty of room . " The words surprised even her , and for a moment she couldn 't believe she 'd actually spoken them . The fact that he was backing up was abundantly obvious . " Oh , I don 't know . I don 't really know that much about religion and all that stuff . They 'll think I 'm lame . " " Not as lame as I thought I was the first time . Besides , it 's not about that . Like Dena says , ' It 's not about religion . It 's about your relationship with God . ' " Rebecca let him have a chance to say something . Being pushy would shove him the other direction . But when he said nothing , she took a breath . " You don 't have to say yes or no . Just think about it . Okay ? The offer 's open if you ever want to come . " He exhaled hard and then plunged forward . " Well … Okay , feel free to say no . I mean I know it 's a lot to ask and everything . I don 't know that I would say yes … " He exhaled hard again . " Okay . " The next words came at her so fast she barely had time to process them all . " Saturday is my parents ' 25th anniversary , and they 're having this party . Ryan and Desi think we should get them something special , only I don 't have a clue what that means . So they asked me to go shopping with them on Thursday , but I really don 't want to go alone . I hate that third wheel on the tricycle thing . And so I told Desi I 'd ask you , and she said that was cool if I brought you along , but if you don 't want to go , I 'll completely understand because I don 't know if I would go if somebody asked me … " Although she was in her desk on Tuesday evening for Psych class , the truth was Rebecca 's thoughts were not in the classroom . They were where they had been for nearly 48 hours - on him , with him . What was he doing ? When would he show up ? What would he be wearing ? Would things be as easy this time as they were on the phone ? She wished he would hurry up already . The waiting was about to strangle her . The snap of the door down front brought her attention there , and excitement burst through her . Jeremy , but only him . He looked up the rows of seats and right at her . No one followed him in , and concern followed by a healthy dose of wanting to be anywhere else but there drained through her . His reluctance as he climbed the three rows of steps to hers was obvious to anyone who bothered to look . When he turned into her row , she wondered if he might actually stop before he got to the seat next to hers . It was clear he didn 't want to sit by her . However , his steps took him right to her side where he sat down . Suffocating seconds passed as he pulled out his notebook and pen and got them ready . She wanted to look at him , to smile , to somehow melt the ice in his eyes . Yet she didn 't dare . After a full minute , he cleared his throat nearly sending her body right off the edge her nerves were on . Rebecca glanced at him but only that . " Well , I guess that 's one word for it . " Nothing in her liked this set up . There was too much animosity in his body language to bode anything but bad . " Yeah . Pretty shaken up , but that 's to be expected . " It was like being on the witness stand and not having any idea what question was coming next . " Why you called Eric for Holly . I mean they 're not going out anymore . What she did or didn 't do wasn 't any of his business anymore . Why 'd you bother him ? " Anger and indignation rose into her until it was all she could do to keep her voice level . " I didn 't call Eric for Holly . " The truth drifted through her softly dragging tears with it . " I called him for me . " He slammed his books to the desk and fell into the seat next to her . " Romeo , Romeo , wherefore and seven years are you , Romeo . Defy thy brother and recuse thy cane . " " Romeo , " she said , gazing at him . " Romeo , wherefore art thou , Romeo . Deny thy father and refuse thy name , or if thou wilt not be , be but sworn my love , and I 'll no longer be a Capulet . " " Thank you very much . I 'll be signing autographs after class tonight . " Her smile tugged a smile to his face . She turned back to her notebook , trying to forget that Jeremy was burning holes in the right side of her head . At that , Eric sat up straight . " Wait . Wait . Wait . Let me get this straight . I just spent two hours with people who don 't get this stuff anymore than I do when all I had to do was call you ? " Mr . Templeton walked in and called order before he even got to his desk . Rebecca sat up to pay attention . As long as she kept her thoughts on her left or ahead , the fact that Jeremy wanted her to disappear hardly registered . The plan had formed in Eric 's head ten minutes into the class . It was a long shot , and there was no guarantee she would even agree to it . But at this point , he was willing to take the chance . When class broke , he slid out of his chair , carefully weighing his words . " So , you headed back to the dorms now ? " " No , I 'm hopping on a plane to Hollywood . I 'm just not telling too many people . " Her eyes sparkled when she looked at him , and it made his breathing snag . She swung her backpack to her shoulder . " You ? " " Well , I was hoping to get some more studying done . " Even to him the words sounded halting and scared . " I 've got a test on Romeo and Juliet tomorrow . " " Yeah , " he said , losing his courage at the wrong moment . Willing himself to get it together , he pushed his feet forward and held the door for her on Jeremy 's push . " You know , you really did that line like you knew what you were talking about . " He scratched his head as he walked beside her down the hall . He noticed but didn 't really contemplate the fact that Jeremy was walking several paces ahead of them . " Well , considering I 'm staring a D down really hard right now , and my study group has all gone home , and I have no idea what I 'm even reading when I try … " Her steps slowed , and she looked at him with concern . Then slowly a soft smile spread onto her face . " Hey , it 's me , Rebecca . Remember ? All you have to do is ask . " Eric said a vague good - bye to Jeremy at the steps , but nothing other than her and the fact she had agreed to help him was really registering . At the Student Union , they grabbed a booth , and in no time she was walking him step - by - step through the play . Acts , scenes , themes , underlying themes - there seemed no end to what she knew . As he watched her , as he listened , the question of how he had missed seeing her like this for so long played and replayed in his mind . After a full hour of sitting with her , laughing with her , being with her , he felt like this would be the easiest test he had ever taken . He wasn 't sure if that was from her insights or her presence . Whatever it was , he never wanted to lose it again . But he wasn 't going to let it get away that easily . " No - ho . You don 't get to hide behind nothing . If only what ? " " Then why did he get all bent out of shape about me calling you the other night ? I just needed a friend . It wasn 't like I was proposing a shotgun wedding or anything . " " I don 't know . Something about why did I call you to come help Holly ? You guys aren 't together anymore anyway . " She shook her head a half shake . " I shouldn 't have called you . " Understanding of how deeply Jeremy 's thoughtlessness had cut crashed through Eric . Across the table sat the most amazing woman he had ever been around , and because of his stupid friend 's inconsiderate comment , she was under the vastly mistaken impressions that one , he 'd gone to rescue only Holly that night , and two , that she was wrong to even call him in the first place . Gently he reached across the table and slipped his hand under her fingers . They were soft and warm , and the touch tore feelings he 'd never felt before loose inside him . His thumb slid across her knuckles . " Listen to me . I was glad you called . " His words drifted across the desolation in her face . " Not because of her but because of you . " Her gaze grabbed his . " Don 't get me wrong . I didn 't want to see her hurt , but I didn 't come because she needed me . I came because you needed me . " " Come on , Becca . When are you going to get it that Jeremy doesn 't speak for me ? Yes , he 's my friend . My thinks - he - knows - how - to - run - my - life - better - than - I - do friend . Well , I 've got news . This is my life . Not his . He can think he knows better all he wants , but the reality is , this is my life , and I 'll run it the way I want to . " " You 're not the one saying I have to . He is . And you know what ? That 's his problem , not ours . If he can 't be happy for us and support us , then I 'm not sure how great a friend he could 've been in the first place . " He didn 't give her a chance to respond . " So , who 's picking who up tomorrow night anyway ? I 'm really psyched about this whole Bible Study thing . " They finalized plans during lunch the next afternoon , and it was all she had been able to think about the rest of the day . By the time the phone rang , Rebecca nearly knocked it off the desk getting it into her hand . " Hello ? " " Was that Eric ? " Holly asked from her spot on the bed . It was by now common knowledge that she was either at class or sitting there on the bed . Worse than anything in the world , Rebecca wanted to do something to help Holly . However , the longer she stood , the less she knew what that something might be . It was then she heard the crack of thunder and the thought of him sprouting roots in the lobby attacked her . Stifling a laugh , she sighed . " Okay . I 'm going then , but don 't think I 'm giving up on you ever going because I 'm not . " With that , Rebecca left . The farther down the stairs she went , the faster her sneakers went on the steps . They made a rat - a - tat - tat sound until at the bottom she jumped with both feet into the lobby . " Are you sure they won 't cart you off to the asylum for agreeing to this ? " He was standing at the bulletin board reading , and when he turned to her , one side of his mouth drifted up into a smile . " You know , I was just reading about this all - girls ' aerobic thing in the basement on Wednesdays . Maybe we could go to that instead . " " Oh , you would like that , wouldn 't you ? " Her teasing smile came without her bidding it to as she stepped over to him . However , the feel of his hand wrapping around hers when she got there shocked the teasing right out of her head . " Well , too bad . It 's Bible Study for you tonight . No girls . I hear they 're bad for your health . " She turned and led him to the steps , but his hand never left hers . The heat from it seemed to travel up her arm and into her cheeks . She could have floated the rest of the way to Emily 's door , and she might have had she wanted to let go of his hand , which of course she didn 't . At the door , however , she had to recheck her courage . Things were always so easy when it was just the two of them but so unbelievably hard when they were around anybody else . She reached up and knocked , trying not to let him see how nervous she was . Emily opened the door , and in the next instant , Rebecca wondered why she had ever so much as given her nerves a thought . " Hi ! " Emily gave Rebecca a hug . Then she beamed at Eric . " And you must be Eric . We 're so glad you could come . " The moment the Hispanic girl at the door hugged him , Eric knew this would be different than anything he 'd ever experienced . Once in the room , Rebecca introduced him to four girls and two guys , but it all went so fast , they were getting started before he had time to get anyone straight . They settled onto the floor , which was covered only with a thin layer of gray carpet , and he wound his legs under him . Worry slid through him as he looked at her . For the first few words he thought he knew what she was talking about , but by the time she got to the angel part , he was sure he had no idea . Her gaze grazed his . " I don 't know what I would 've done if he hadn 't shown up to watch over me and help me out . " Her gaze fell to the floor , and she sniffed . " I 'm just very thankful that God saw fit for him to be there to help me . " The comment pushed him backward , and he tried to take it all in . After another few moments , Rebecca sat back up and ran her hand under her eyes . Seeing her like this , completely open , beckoned his spirit out onto the high wire . He looked around the group wanting to say what was in his heart , but wondering if he could ever get it out . Finally he dove headlong into the pool . " I have one . " He thought he could do it looking at all of them , but before the words found the air , he knew he couldn 't . His gaze dropped to his hands . " Well , I 've been looking for someone for about a year now . I thought I 'd found her , but I guess the Big Guy had other plans because the one I thought she was turned out … well , she wasn 't . But then these past couple of weeks , He 's given me a friend , a really good friend who pushes my buttons , and teases me , and challenges me , and always finds a way to make me feel like I matter . " His composure was crumbling with each word . " I 'm just really grateful He brought Rebecca into my life . " " And now she brought me here , " he said with a bounce meant to break the seriousness . " Me in a Bible Study . Who would 've thunk it . " Rebecca looked at him , and he smiled . It was clear she was amazed by him , but it couldn 't come close to how amazed he was by her . For reasons he couldn 't clearly articulate , this place felt safe . It felt real like very few things had in the past year . " And for being grateful just to be grateful , " Rebecca said . " It 's so awesome to know He 's right here listening . It 's so cool to know all the way through to your soul that He cares , and He 'll help if you just ask . " When the group broke up at nine , nerves attacked Rebecca again . However , this time she took a breath and put it in the Holy Spirit 's hands . Together they walked down the stairs to the lobby . He didn 't reach for her hand again , but that didn 't feel like a bad thing - just different . " I didn 't think so . " They made it to the doors and stepped off to the side as other students made an unsteady rhythm of entering and exiting . His hand found hers between them , and her heart filled her chest . " So tomorrow night then ? " His hand drifted out of hers as he leaned toward her . " So will I . " His lips touched the edge of her cheek , just above her mouth . One small part of her wanted to scream at him because it was more than clear a real kiss shouldn 't have been so much to ask . However , the vast majority of her was so enthralled with the whole evening it couldn 't muster up enough angry parts to care . He said he was grateful for her . He said he was glad she had called . He seemed to really like the Bible Study group . Her mind ticked off every single detail she had to be grateful for all the way up the stairs . In her room she walked over to the window , not really noticing Holly still sitting there . Her hand traced down the cool , clear glass . He was gone already , but in her heart he would never be gone . She would be able to see him walking through those trees forever . Rebecca sighed . " Yeah . " Then she woke up to the reality of the question . She turned , sorry for her friend 's loss . " That 's bad , huh ? " How many times Eric berated himself from her dorm to his apartment , he didn 't even want to know . He was right there , and he just couldn 't bring himself to kiss her . He wanted to , that was a given . Every other guy he knew would have . That , too , was a given . So why didn 't he ? One by one his mind made excuses . There were too many people . The lights were too bright . He 'd said so much during the Bible Study , kissing her might tell her more than he was sure he wanted her to know . In the apartment he ripped the Oreos out of the cabinet and ate the last three . If he was just smooth like Jeremy , but he had no moves . If he was just wholesome like Ryan , but he couldn 't pull that off either . If girls fell at his feet the way they did for Ransom , then maybe he would 've known what to do . Maybe he should 've taken her outside . He hit his forehead with his hand . " That 's it . I should 've taken her outside . It was dark . We could 've been more alone . Then again , it wasn 't exactly warm , and how would I have gotten her out there ? What do you say , ' Why don 't we go outside so I can kiss you ? ' " Frustration with himself poured over him . " You 're such a loser , Eric . Face it . You 're even a loser with a girl who has a shot at liking you . " " That 's what we should find . A real silver platter . You could have their wedding date engraved on it and everything . My friend 's mom and dad had one back home . It was really pretty . " " We put the silver platter idea out there right away . Then if we find something better , great . If we don 't , we go for the platter idea . " He bounced the idea around in his head . " I like it . That way if nothing else works , we don 't have to give them matching golfing shoes or something . " " Be careful what you wish for . " She laughed . " Anyway . I just thought about the platter , and I figured you were home already . I hope you don 't mind me calling . " Staci Stallings shares her heart for God with her novels , articles , and conversations . She loves making new friends , writing , and playing piano and guitar . View all posts by Staci Stallings → This entry was posted in A Work In Progress , Novels and tagged A Work in Progress . Bookmark the permalink . ← A Work in Progress , Ch . 17 & 18 Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
Elizabeth relaxed with a book in the study in an old chair she had picked up at the local thrift store . The study was turning into her favorite room . Slowly , she and Aden added pieces of art and furniture until it became their space . They had picked up an old desk with paint splattered all over it which they had sanded down and re - painted all one color . The old fashioned wooden office chair they had picked up also at the same time and with a little bit of paint and a nice cushion , it made a very comfortable chair . Elizabeth was enjoying her life with Aden . He had just been elected by the people to be a city council member , and he answered directly to the Mayor . Sure , it put a lot of strain on Aden as well as Elizabeth with his long hours and his cranky attitude , but over all it was a good job to have . She was ready to put their young college behind them and start acting as an adult . Until Aden received an interesting letter in the mail . It was hefty , and had silver guilding on it . Elizabeth 's hand had shaken as she held it . It was addressed to Aden , but it was from Green . Elizabeth sighed in the large loney room as she thought back to the wedding the day before . She had done her best to prepare herself when Aden received the invite . Still , that first moment when she saw Green kiss his bride to be in the garden , she had jumped out of her seat as all the muscles in her body stiffened . Aden had looked up at her and tugged her hand to have her sit down . " What 's wrong ? " He had asked when she sat . Elizabeth had only waved her hand as her heart beat in her chest . She was sure she had come up with some reason , but she couldn 't remember it now . Her life with Aden was good . It was great . It was all anyone could ask for . Would she give up her current life to live in that large house on the hill with Green ? Did she really think that the " Prince " of Tierra de Legado was going to choose her as his " princess ? " Elizabeth shuddered at her own foolishness and selfishness . What would she have done if Green had asked ? Would she have leftRead more ! There was a knock on the door and Green poked his head in . He had the classic puppy dog eyes as he looked at her . In a way it made her uneasy . " I think I love you , " he said softly . Amanda put up a hand and laughed nervously as Ann snickered . " I told you to use friendship . Was your aim off or what ? " Green seemed to pay her no mind and only stood there , waiting for Amanda to make a move . When Amanda caressed his cheek , he shuddered at her touch as if he was working to fight back the urge to pounce her right there in front of his mother . " Well , Green . What made you change your mind ? " Green stepped close to her , his blue eyes in a slight haze . For one so slight , he was very strong and secure in his romancing ability , as if he had often swept female sims off their feet on a whim . He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in for a kiss she could not resist . " Oh , " was all she could say after he let her go . Their romance moved quickly , and before he left for school again he had asked her to marry him right on the front lawn . Green stayed at school until the day his father passed . After that day , something in Ann seemed to snap , and she pressed harder for the wedding and made Amanda promise a girl . A girl that she insisted would be especially for Ann . Amanda couldn 't help but to feel a bit uncomfortable at Ann 's urging , but to her credit she hid it very well . Amanda found herself slightly worrying that her first child might not be a girl . How would her mother in law react ? It already seemed that Ann had split at the seams , part of her had gone with Alec . The part that was left secretly frightened Amanda . But it was not something she could admit to Green without possibly telling him the complete truth which she was sure would break the spell that she had placed over him . With Green gone , Ann took Amanda out of the dinning room and to the near by game room to give her a special gift . " I had hoped it would not come to this . " " What is this ? " Amanda held in her hands a small black and white doll with pins for hair . " I call it Mr . Mickles . Do you like Green ? Tell me what you think . " Amanda thought about her answer while examining Mr . Mickles . " Well , he is cute . I don 't know much else because he don 't seem to want to say much else . Talking with him before lunch was rather impossibe . " " This will change that . Take a pin from the head , think about Green , and stick the side labeled friendship . " Amanda held the doll in her hands , closely examining its body . There were different words in different sections , each mapped out clearly . She noticed that right next to the section that said " friendship " lay a section labeled " romance . " What if Amanda stuck a pin there ? She didn 't really believe anything would happen . Where ever did Ann find such a thing anyway ? Perhaps Ann planned to use the doll as a psychological device to get Amanda to try talking to Green again . Still , Amanda would give almost anything to be successful . She refused to allow Green Mellon to reject her . As she held in her mind the image of Green , she pulled a pin out of the head . The doll glowed red and gave off a very small amount of heat as if it were alive . The pin was stuck a little past the side that said friendship . Amanda felt a small jolt , then the doll went cold as it had been when she first picked it up . Had anything happened ? Amanda wondered how long it would take to find out . A few phases ago , during the college break : Lunch was indeed an odd affair . Amanda sat down to a fancy plate with a greasy grilled cheese sandwich resting on top . Ann smiled , " Caliburst , " she motioned to the servo , " is very fond of grilled cheese . I will say that no one makes grilled cheese like he does . " Green laughed . " Haha , I 've missed these , Caliburst . " Caliburst chirped happily at the compliments . Ann had Amanda sit across from Green so that Amanda could have a good look at him . She eyed him up and down , taking in his blue eyes and his mussy black hair . He was rather cute , although he had an odd yet familiar aroma around him . Amanda hadn 't been able to get close enough to smell him properly , but she was rather sure it was the smell of ground coffee beans . " So , Green , " Ann smiled politely , " tell us more about Uni . How 's it going out there ? " Green glared at his mother as he responded with only one syllable . " Fine . " Ann turned to Amanda and said , " You know , Green has been without a girlfriend now for two phases . " Amanda turned to Ann , " Really ? I can 't believe someone so handsome would not have a girlfriend . " She doubted compliments would work on him . Certainly something seemed off . But Amanda had never been one to give up until the prize was won . And if it wasn 't worth keeping , she could always get rid of it . Green sat still , glowering in his seat . " Listen , I 'm going to see what Dad is up to and check out the rest of the house . " He got up , leaving a disgusting half eaten grilled cheese sandwich on the delicate plate that had been before him . " Ok dear ! " Ann smiled at him . Amanda lay awake with Green resting on her arm . He had been quite tipsy , so he had drifted off to sleep quickly . She hadn 't even had time to remove her make up after the wedding . Green had lead her up to the bedroom with one clear intent . She lay as still as possible as she thought back on the events that lead up to this moment . Amanda had met Ann purely on accident one day at Watermellon 's , the restaurant which was owned by her other older son . She hadn 't known what would follow . It was a fast friendship , and both women enjoyed sharing gossip about the sims around town . Amanda could remember the fateful day Ann had called asking to come over . She said she had a " proposition " for her . Once Ann was there , she was very direct . " I 'm proposing a union between you and my son . " Amanda laughed in disbelief . " What ? " " If you marry my son , think of the possibilities . You 'd be considered royalty - - we 're the chosen line of the founder . We got the best spot on the hill . You 'd get that entire house and the reputation . " Amanda had eyed Ann suspiciously . It sounded too easy . And why did Ann even need to find a mate for her son ? He had to be hideous . " I 'm sorry , but somehow I don 't think I 'm understanding . And all I have to do is marry your son Green ? What do you get out of this deal ? " " Grandchildren that will carry on the line . " Ann paused as if she were done , but she could see that Amanda was not rushing to accept . " Look , I do have one grandchild already thanks to my older son - - well possibly two , to be honest , but I want more . The first baby girl you have will be my gift . " " What if I don 't have a girl ? " " Well , then , we will see . " Amanda 's curiousty was peaked . She had noticed right away that Ann held a high standing in the new society of the city even more influential than the Mayor . " How do you propose we go about this exactly ? " " Green will be home in a few weeks on break from college . I would like you to come have lunch at our house and meet him . At the moment , he has no romantic prospects that I have heard of , and I am sure he will taRead more ! Present playing day " To the ' Prince ' ! " Everyone raised their glasses to Green in salute . The term " Prince " made him blush . It had started out as a joke on the ship . The Legacy household was compared to a castle , and Ann was the Queen . Everyone had great fun pretending to be peasants and calling Ann " Her Majesty . " Behind everyone , his beautiful bride smiled at him as she sipped from her glass . She had also mercilessly teased that she was marrying a Prince , and that once they were married , and Ann moved out , they would be the King and Queen . She loved to joke about it while he squirmed at the idea . He really hated being heir , and secretly , he wished Water were heir instead . Richard , Jr . , the Mayor , never one to be without attention , tapped his glass to quiet everyone for his toast . " Four phases ago , we crashed upon the rocky shore . Now here we stand together for this joyous occasion . " As Richard began talking of the various projects and the hopes for the city , Green tuned out . It was just like Richard to use a public event to plug his various projects to drum up support . " And so , to the newlyweds ! " Green was getting a little tipsy . He kept an arm around his bride who solidly stood next to him . Everyone had seemed about done until his mother , Ann , picked up the tray that held the bottle and poured herself a glass then passed the bottle around so everyone could fill their glasses and those of their neighbors once more . Ann turned towards Green with her glass raised . " Here 's to all our wishes coming true . You have a truly beautiful and cunning bride . Her daughter will only be more so . To the future ! " Green was slightly tipsy , but the words she had chosen seemed off to him . He wasn 't quite sure why or what was wrong with her speech . She had always made it clear she wanted lots of grandchildren . But his older brother , Water , already had one child , little Maddy . Why was she in such a rush ? After Ann 's toast , the party began to wind down . Sims that had come to the top of the hill just to take part in the wedding were slowly headRead more ! Present Playing Day : Amália Stratton scrubbed her face thoroughly as the morning sun shined in through the bathroom window . She planned on a big day today . Last night , she received a call from Orlando Mellon , her friend Hobart 's father , asking her if she wanted to come visit the farm after school . Surprisingly , her mother said she could go . " Well , they do have the bus up and running now , and the trolley is working , so it should be ok . " Ama took out her toothbrush and blobbed toothpaste onto the bristles , smooshing it with her finger . It was going to be a busy day . It was her first trip to the farm since she had moved in . Hobart never had much to say about about the farm , even when she asked him . Hobart 's other father , Daniel , had been her mother 's best friend since they were kids . They were so close that they were almost family , and Ama considered Daniel to be her uncle even though she didn 't get to see him often . He always made sure to send gifts and letters to her on her birthday and holidays . Daniel was a plant sim . Her mother said he hadn 't always been that way , just happened one day when he was an adult . But the idea of being a living plant was neat . Ama could imagine the head of the local Garden Club 's reaction to the well grown walking and breathing plant . The image made Ama giggle . When the phone rang , Elizabeth stood at her easel practicing her painting . She was almost in the zone , she could feel the edges of it blurring her vision and sending her into a trance . At least , until the phone rang . Green sauntered past in his robe as he usually did even before the school break and over to answer the phone . He appeared the same as he ever had before - - still smelled of coffee , went to class in his robe , and spent all of his time writing . But there was something different . Much of his time was generally spent on the phone , and usually he would take it away from where Elizabeth stood working on her painting so that he could whisper into the phone out of her ear shot . So that was it . Probably while on break , he had met someone else , and so he only pretended to not know her so that he could avoid the messy break up that would have been involved . Elizabeth 's cheeks flushed as she furiously dabbed at her painting . So foolish to think someone who kept their relationship secret actually loved her . She heard Green say , " What ? " His mouth fell into a frown . " Oh god , I 'll be right there ! " " Green ? " Elizabeth turned her head to face him even as he picked up the head set again to dial another number . " My father passed away . I have to get home . " She wasn 't sure if he was talking to her at that point or to the taxi service because , after a short pause , he rattled off the dorm address then ran off to his room to pack . Aden , sensing that something was wrong , came over to Elizabeth to ask her about it . " His father passed away . " Later that day , Green hopped into a taxi loaded with his things and left . Still a few years ago " Aden ! " Aden had been watching a chess game between the other two dormies when he heard Elizabeth 's voice coming from behind him . He turned slightly to welcome her back , but before he had a chance to utter a word , she had her arms around him and kissed him passionately , as if she hadn 't seen him for years . Aden was taken aback . " Elizabeth ? Is that you ? " Her long hair had been cut short and was in a simple but stylish ponytail . Her lips were painted red to match her nails , and her eyes had a touch of eyeliner to them which made him think of a cat . A bit of the old Elizabeth shined through as she looked up at him shyly , " Yes . I just . . . I mean we 're almost adults , right ? I needed to start looking like one to feel like one . " Aden smiled at her as he gently caressed her and kissed her on the cheek . " You look beautiful ! Well , you always do of course . You could have shaved your head and you 'd still be the most beautiful girl in the room . " " Oh , Aden . " It sounded as if her voice had warbled just a bit and looked as if her eyes teared up . Aden hadn 't seen her ever get teary before . If telling her how beautiful she was made her get teary eyed , Aden would have to make sure to do it more often . She dabbed at her eyes , trying not to ruin her make up . " I am starving . How about we drive into town and go get something to eat ? " " Town " was an hour away , and having just returned from break , Aden didn 't really want to drive back . But looking into her eyes , that comfortable smile , the way she seemed so warm to him after the last semester when she had been so distant , he felt that he simply couldn 't refuse . A few years ago " Oh , Green ! I missed you ! " Elizabeth and Green stood together in the rec room . It was late at night , and most everyone had gone to bed or at the very least their room , giving Elizabeth private time with Green . She reached over to hug him , to smell his odd musk and coffee beans scent , but he pushed her back . " What 're you doing ? " Elizabeth stood still . Her hand burned where he had touched her . " Green , what 's going on ? You 've been acting weird since you got back from break . This isn 't funny . " Green 's eyebrows furrowed as he stood before her . " What are you talking about ? " When no words came out of her mouth and her eyes started to sting , Green brushed past her to head back to his room . Elizabeth 's feet wouldn 't move . Her face flushed as the first few tears filled her eyes . Somehow , she wasn 't sure how , she was back in her room with her door locked , crying into her hands . The parts of her body where Green had touched her burned with the memory , and she tried her best to wipe away his imaginary touches . What had happened over break ? She had no way of knowing and no one she could ask . Aden had told her exactly what he had done on the farm visiting his family , but he wasn 't going to share what Green had done unless she out right asked . Since Green had returned , he hadn 't spoken to her more than a curious " hey " back to any of her greetings . Could he truly have forgotten her ? Or was it all a lie ? Present playing day ( because Uncertainty is supposed to take place a few years ago ) : One of the shops that I have is simply called Bonnie 's . It 's a clothing shop that sells off the rack and home made items . The plus side of this is that I can send sims shopping , such as this mysterious sim which I sent out for a wedding gown . First I had her try it on to make sure that it looked good . Then she spoke with Bonnie to tell her exactly what she wanted . Bonnie looks so excited , doesn 't she ? So Bonnie set to work in the back room making the gown while her customers waited in line . ( They weren 't happy with the wait , but then I have a hack that won 't allow them to throw their bags down . ) When Bonnie was finished , she wrapped the dress and gave it to her customer . The customer then went into the back room , where Monique 's computer is set up for such occasions , and she transfered $ 5 , 000 to Bonnie . And the transaction was done ! Bonnie runs the shop well when I have sims visit . She suggestive sells , chats with customers , rings up quickly , and , the cutest thing to me , she sews when she isn 't doing anything else . I found out during this transaction that she 's making pot holders like mad ! ( I watched her complete another one last night when I sent some other sims for a visit . ) This is the face she made when I told her to scrap her pot holder so that she could start right away on the dress . Gah , she 's so adorable ! Break was fast approaching . Aden had asked her if she wanted to come home with him . Could he feel it ? Their distance ? " Well . . . " She looked down at the ground . Aden had just come back from one of his hikes . He was dusty , and smelled of fish from the ocean . " I do , but I 'm going to do some extra work here . Some of the teachers have asked me to help building and prepping the college for the other students . " Aden gently caressed her cheek . " Aw . . . but I understand . It 's important work . " At his touch , Elizabeth almost cried . She grabbed his hand and gently nuzzled it . " I have to go to class . " " Now ? You don 't have class for another two hours . " She turned away and began walking towards the door . " I have something that I need to do before class . " Aden followed her to the porch even as she hurried away . " I can walk you to your class . " " No , that 's ok . I 'll see you tonight ! " She called back without looking over her shoulder , leaving him standing beside the porch . Elizabeth , having woken up before Green for once , brewed some coffee for the both of them . She found that coffee and Green were connected . When she had a cup of a good coffee , straight black , it reminded her of those nights she snuck into his room , past Aden 's room , where they would try their best to quietly make love on his twin bed . Half the time they spent repositioning , stopping to listen for any strange noises they thought they heard , and then giggling like children . Her short green nightie now stayed in Green 's room , usually under his mattress . She loved it . It was long enough to cover her , but short enough to suggest it wouldn 't . For the first time in her life , Elizabeth felt like a bad sim , and it unfortunately turned her on . The only thing that had worried her these past nights was that she knew she had to tell Aden . Aden still hadn 't managed to spend much time with her . He had morning classes which allowed for her to spend the morning in Green 's room with little worry . And she had plenty of afternoon classes with Green . Both were literature majors , so both shared the same teachers and class times . Green stirred behind her . " Mmmm . . . coffee . Thanks . " He caressed her cheek then softly kissed her on the lips . Her heart jumped when he did small gestures like that . Why couldn 't Aden do that ? " I have to talk to him today . " " Who ? " Green took a sip of his coffee . " Aden . " Green had the cup to his lips when she said it . She could see him quickly swallowing his sip . " Oh . Well , that 's true I guess . " He looked deeply into his cup . " I sort of feel bad though . Maybe it isn 't a good time right now . Maybe we should wait until we go home for break . " It was tempting , but then when would she tell him ? By phone ? Or in person right before he left to be with his family ? " I mean , it could make it difficult living around here . We should get our own place together . " Green caressed her cheek . " I 'll think about it . I guess . I do like the sound of our own place . " Elizabeth drank from her cup , memories of public trysts in phone booths and in tRead more ! Events Previous : Aden and Elizabeth are a couple . They came over on the ship together and were jammed in with other sims including Green ( he is the chosen " Legacy " heir so he 's something of a prince ) , who had been their roomie at the old Uni . Once they arrived , Green , Aden and Elizabeth spent some time helping to build up the city while Richard spoke and made deals with the locals . There was a college , and Green , Aden and Elizabeth were to be the first outsiders to attend . A few years ago from present playing day : Green ferociously pressed his lips to hers as he half lay on top of her on the sofa . Her legs dangerously dangled half off the sofa , so she clung to him , pulling him in closer , matching his ferocity in her attempt to not fall on the ground . Green smelled of musk and fresh ground coffee beans . Elizabeth almost laughed out loud when she realized that he very often smelled of coffee but for his kisses which covered her face , her lips , her eye lids . Aden never kissed her so passionately . It had started with the ship ride to the new land . Green had hung around Elizabeth and Aden so often when they were on the ship , the three had become close . But her feelings towards Aden and Green had managed to balance out so that she had preferred neither over the other by the end of it all , although everyone aboard the ship accepted that she and Aden were a couple . Green grabbed her legs with one hand and held her tightly so she no longer felt like she would fall . She threw her arms around his neck and focused only on kissing him ; although her mind wandered she did her best to ignore it and focus on Green . Green and his sweet kisses , his hungry passionate kisses . At the new college , Aden was often away . He enjoyed hiking much more than Elizabeth did . Although he often invited her , she often declined . Instead , Elizabeth spent her time painting , a new hobby she was surprised to find she enjoyed . Green noticed her painting one day . He had stood behind her a while before he went to his room to do more work on his novel . It wasn 't unRead more ! The knife sliced through the red bell pepper making a quick clack each time the knife hit the cutting board . His hand gripped the knife as it violently cut through the delicate pepper . The scent of dry spices tickled his nose as the snapping of the meat browning in a pan filled his ears . It was all therapeutic . Water was convinced that there was nothing good cooking could not cure . His spoon twirled in the pan , turning over the meat and revealing the brown side . The sweet scent of the cooking garlic and onions filled the little kitchen . This kitchen was not as lovely as his old kitchen in the old land , but it would do for now , until he could find a larger house with a large kitchen . Water added the other ingredients to the pan while stirring . " You don 't like my dress ? " Demi had seemed surprised . Did he like it ? Why ever would she think that ? True , she had looked lovely , but she always looked lovely . The way her tousled blond hair swept across her face , even after she brushed it . The way the dress had hugged her curves and pinched in at her waste with a thin little belt . . . but the dress itself left much to be desired . " Bonnie gave it to me . She found it in the rafters of her new shop and thought I would like it . " Water would have to remember to give Bonnie a call to thank her for that . The dress was all flowers and lace . It had an ugly collar similar to a man 's dress shirt . " You don 't like it ! " Water stirred the beans into the chili vigorously as he thought about his reaction and Demi 's reaction to him . " You know what , just forget it . Would you leave please ? I still have some cleaning to do . " The chili became dark red as the spices spread out , touching everything in the pan . " Demi , why are you acting this way ? It 's just a dress ! " The strong spicy chili smell hung in the air slowly filling the house . Perhaps it might even reach upstairs . She had to be hungry . " It 's more than just the dress . God Water , are you that dense ? " Tears angrily fell down her cheeks and she furiously started wiping at them . " Just go ! " Water placed Read more ! Because I know you must be curious . Or bored . Incredibly bored . ; ) Ruin - My story blog using Sims 3Sims in Testing - My Sims 3 play blog which is somehow mostly filled with pictures of sims I 've created . My Junk Shop - Which is just that . A place where I can let out what 's on my mind or dump pictures . Sometimes about writing , sometimes not .
This is a stinking dog . He became so enthralled with a skunk last night that he would not leave the thing alone . I had to physically remove him from the vacinity of his little playmate . That meant that I , too , got an up close and personal look at the poor little skunk , who was trapped under the steps by a frantically barking puppy . I shined my flashlight in his eyes and stomped on the steps trying to scare him away , but Patrick blocked his only escape route . I didn 't dare get too rambunctious , not knowing if skunks can spray again once they have done it . Patrick was refusing to be caught and I chased him around the yard for about five minutes before finally grabbing him and carrying his malodorous self into the house . The other two dogs somehow avoided a confrontation and headed for the back door as soon as the situation became clear to them . Patrick had never experienced the baking soda - peroxide - detergent treatment . By the time I was done with him , the kitchen was soaked , I was soaked , and he was soaked . He was then subjected to a thorough towelling and then the hair dryer . Finally we all crawled into bed at midnight . I was hot and sweaty from all the exertion , but finally drifted off to sleep with three hot bodies against me , one still damp , and a mild perfume of skunk wafting through the air . I finished the pumkin watercolor today and am happy with it . Now I will no longer be afraid of a full sheet , although if I have any intention of selling any of these watercolors , I will have to keep them smaller . I can 't afford to frame big ones , nor can people afford to buy them . For the time being , though , I am just happy to be doing them . The rest of the day was spent at the play at the Arts Center . It never ceases to amaze me what a great job they do , and this one was no exception . In fact , it was among the best I have seen . I decided to go only at the last moment . I was painting with Lisa when everyone there started to get ready to go . Will was in the cast , and was taking the children with him to the " green room . " Lisa and I went and sat in the audience . Last night Carrie called to tell me that she and Gabe are home safe from Antigua . In fact , there was no sign of the hurricane there and the two of them enjoyed a beautiful vacation . I was very relieved , of course , that my fears were unfounded . This is the view from my back deck tonight at about five - thirty . I happened to look out the kitchen window as I was throwing Lytton 's dogfood can in the trash , and there it was . I grabbed the camera and went out to photograph it . My neighbor Donna was on her deck , too , admiring the same scene and we exchanged appreciative comments . In the middle of a mundane moment , a sight like this can 't fail to elevate us , to show us beauty so powerful that it makes us stop what we are doing and gawk at it . It 's hard to imagine where our appreciation of such things comes from . It seems unique to human animals to find enjoyment in simply looking at things . What neurons in our brains fire and stimulate that vague , indefineable pleasure , and why ? Surely it has no roots in our instinct to survive . If I were to wax poetc , I would say that it gives us the will to survive . It was a cold , dreary day made enjoyable by painting with Lisa . We set up a complicated still life on her dining room table . It was a cheerful pumpkin - infested fall subject , rounded out by dried hydrangeas picked from Greg 's bush , leaves and apples . It was so lovely that I decided to go after it on a full sheet of watercolor paper . This is the first full sheet I have tried since my return to watercolor and I was a little fearful of the huge piece of paper . It turned out all right , though , if a little over - worked in some areas . Those places were compensated for by some nice light leaves . I have more to do on it , and I think I will be happy with it in the end . Lisa worked in acrylic , and our two paintings were like two sides of the same coin - - - an interesting study of mediums and the way they influence interpretation of the subject . It was thrilling to see , feeding my love of seeing the same subject done by different artists . As if by design , Thelma called and I was able to share my enthusiasm with her . She has been playing with paint as well , and having a fine time . I had anticipated a reclusive day full of household chores . Some days give you happy surprises . It has seemed to me for the last several days that nothing worth writing about has happened . Finally I decided that if I waited for something exciting , I could be waiting for a long time . So here I am , thinking about the recent past and trying to remember how I have spent my days . It has turned into Fall , with two hurricanes ushering in the season . We have had only rain and high winds , but other parts of the country have been devastated . The worst natural disaster in memory has made communities of refugees who have lost everyting . Disaster relief , which we have taken for granted in this country , was and is slow in coming . People are suffering in ways we think of as happening only in the third world . I read about these terrible situations where people are living in crowded shelters without water and toilets with mild interest , not being able to believe in them . It struck me the other day that Carrie and Gabe may have been caught in the storm during their trip to the Carribean , but I can 't believe this , either . Surely the storms missed them . Certainly by some lucky stroke they are somewhere where the sun shone on their whole vacation . Nevertheless , there are times when I find myself chewing my fingernails and feeling dread in the pit of my stomach . I wait nervously to be sure my fleeting fears are unwarranted . David was hit hard in Ft . Lauderdale and he and Thom are still without electricity . They can not get gas for their car . Luckily they got a generator before the storm hit so are in relative comfort compared with the poor in the same area . They have had to absorb the bad news that Thom 's cousin Shirley has been diagnosed with cancer and is in the hospital . I have spent time with Shirley and like her , so this is unsettling for me , too . I am in the process of painting a portrait of her that David and Thom are planning to give her as a Christmas gift . I have it in my new studio , where I pass by it many times a day . Shirley smiles out at me from the canvas , innocent of the news she has just received . The painting of Posted by This is so pretty I had to photograph it . I got the recipe outof my new vegetarian cookbook . It 's layers of risotto , charred sweet red peppers , spinach , and feta cheese wrapped in fillo dough , sprinkled with sesame seeds , and baked in a spring form pan . I won 't say it wasn 't time consuming , and I can 't say it was really delicious , either . It 's so good - looking , though , and that should count for something . It is worth experimenting with - - something needs to be done with the spinach , like sauteeing it with garlic , egg yolk and a little cream like my spinach quiche recipe . More , or different , cheese would improve the risotto . The two ounces of parmesan didn 't do much to it , and the one clove of garlic disappeared into the rather bland melange . Feta cheese doesn 't do well in cooked dishes either , if you ask me . It 's wonderful in salad , or as a garnish for cooked dishes , but it dies in a casserole . Something more Italian , maybe , like mozerella , or even Swiss . Of course , it wouldn 't hurt to add some bacon , but that wouldn 't do in a vegetarian cookbook , would it ? The touch that makes it all worthwhile , despite everything , is the fillo . Anything is good with fillo wrapped around it . Posted by I decided to set my studio up downstairs in the room behind the kitchen . This was my original plan , but I changed my mind after I moved in because the space seemed too small and I thought I needed more room for kitchen things . It has been so difficult for me to get excited about the studio upstairs , though , that it was a relief to get a new idea . Now everything is in place and ready for me to get to work . I even cleaned all three of my palettes ; oil , watercolor , and acrylic . I placed my chair beside the window so that I can watch birds at the feeder . Moving the things from upstairs was not so hard , and now I can make that bedroom into a proper guest room . I feel that everything is in its proper place now . This morning before I tackled the studio , I winterized the chicken house . I had bought some heavy plastic at the hardware store on the way back from Harrington yesterday . Armed with my stapler , scissors , and a dish of food and oyster shells , I headed out to do the job . I let the chickens out for some fresh air while I worked . For once , it was easier than I had dared hope . AnnieII pecked me only until I came across with the food , and Demeter was easily herded back into the pen after a daring escape over the fence . She took off like an eagle , soaring over the wire as if she could go south for the winter . The flight came to an ubrupt end , though , just a foot on the other side , and she was more than happy to come back through the gate to get her lunch . Both girls are looking fat and healthy , with no signs of earlier trauma . I stapled plastic over the windows of the chicken house both inside and out . That was so easy and without incident that I decided to go ahead and deal with the problem of keeping the water from freezing when the time comes , and providing heat for Demeter and Annie when it turns colder . Luck was with me and I found a small hole in the rear of the house that I had plugged up when I first put Demeter in there . I re - opened the hole and pushed a long extension cord into the house from the outside . I pulPosted by Here 's number three of my watercolors of Schoodic . I started it yesterday at Judy 's and finished it today . I suppose I will have to find another subject now that I have painted from all of the rock pictures I took the day Thelma and I went to the coast . I do have some other nice pictures taken that day at Corea , but I am almost afraid to branch out to subjects other than rocks . Eventually it had to happen , and maybe I will be able to move into something else without the trouble I anticipate . It seems like a miracle that these paintings turned out so well , so I hate to press my luck . Will came over today to fix the light in the kitchen , which has not been working . He managed to turn it on , but now it won 't turn off . I guess this is the better of the two . While he was here he noticed the door in the back room that has fallen off its moorings . He told me what the trouble was , so after he left I fixed it . David used to call my way of dealing with such things " Cheri Walton Living " and this was a perfect example of that . As soon as I knew how the door worked , I was able to rig up a substitute for whatever the original mechanism might have been . This included a chopstick , a plastic screw anchor , and a phillips head screw . Now instead of leaning the door against the doorway I can open and close it the way nature intended . When I returned from my errands to the bank and the store , I found the old furnace that has been lying in the driveway since August had been taken away . I felt a smug sense of the pride that comes from making things happen . Last week I called the heating company that installed the new furnace and asked them to please remove the old one . They apologized and said they would do the job , but enough time has passed that I began to worry that I would have to get irritated in order to get it done . Since I had no irritation left after all my dealings with Verizon , I was afraid the furnace might sit there forever . I was therefore overly jubilant to find it gone , my bidding having been done . Posted by I took Lytton to the vet today to see if my suspicions were true that he had an ear infection . He has been shaking his head a lot and rubbing against furniture , sometimes squealing in pain when his ears are touched . It proved to be true , and he was subjected to many indignities while he was there . To compensate him for his trouble , I bought him a new toy from the selection prominently displayed on the wall for guilty customers to see . He was so thrilled with it that he actually forgot where he was long enough to take it from me and play with it in the waiting room . This delighted the staff , the waiting pet owners , and most of all , me . I swelled with pride at being the mother of such an adorable boy . Pressing my luck , I said to him , " pick up your toy and bring it along , " as we headed out . Miraculously , just as if he always did what I asked , he snatched the toy from the floor and carried it proudly to the door . We exited to the sound of an apreciative , chuckling audience . He has not let it out of his sight since . Posted by I couldn 't take pictures of the new window idea before because I had keft my camera on and run the battery down . Here it is , though , now that the battery has been charging for 24 hours . I also took a picture of the studio , which looks better than it did , believe it or not , and of Lytton with his new haircut . I didn 't get anything more done on the studio because Sydney came for her painting lesson and then I had a committee meeting to set up rules for running the gallery . Sydney had painted a picture without me supervising her every brush mark and was very pleased with herself . She did a good job , too , and I am thrilled that she finally tried something on her own . She has felt so insecure that she was afraid to touch a canvas without me watching to make sure she did it right . I have to admit that I am an ogre , but I never meant to instill such fear in her . The day was sunny and cold . The dogs and I had a nice walk this morning after not going out for two days . I am forcing myself to take them out as long as the weather is decent , and to give them a fairly long walk . After all , what else do they have to look forward to ? They love to go , and it 's good for me , too . Every morning as I get out of bed , I begin to make excuses for not going . I would prefer to have coffee and the newspaper first , but the boys are likely to have " accidents " as they are called , if I don 't get them out as soon as we get up . I am trying to reach the point where it is no longer a question and I just do it automatically . " Don 't think , just do it , " I tell myself . And when I reach the corner of Mitchell St . and Adams , I have to prod myself to continue down the hill to Water St . instead of turning around and going back . " Keep going , " I tell myself . " It won 't kill you to go around the block . And I do , and it doesn 't . I have accomplished a lot in the last two days , but neither of the major goals I set for myself are fully realized . The windows , ah , the windows . Needless to say the cutting down of the " cut to fit " blinds I bought was a much bigger job than I anticipated . I don 't know why I never seem to learn that nothing is as easy as I think it 's going to be . I expected to get the job done in about ten minutes , but it took at least an hour and a half of fumbling and experimentation ( of course I had thrown away the directions ) . I did finally get the two blinds on the windows that face the street altered and found some lace curtains to hang on the lower half . I really like the way they look , but they are too white . I 'll have to find something that is off - white to go in the room . The true problem , though , did not manifest itself until today when some people walked by the house . Benny did his usual thrashing at the windows . Those curtains on their flimsy tension rods fell down behind the couch before the first bark was out of his mouth . I still think the idea has potential , though , and will persevere . Yesterday I gave Lytton a tranquilizer the vet had sold me so that I could cut the matts off his legs without risking serious injury ( to me ) . Poor boy was reduced to a shadow of his former self , barely able to stand as I went after his feet with my scissors . I still put a muzzle on him . Despite the fact that he was almost unconscious , his patience went only so far . After about a half hour he rallied to lunge at my hand as I started in on his back legs . The muzzle came off instantly and all that saved me was my quickness and his lack of precision . Still , I got the job mostly done . He looks funny with his skinny legs and hairless tail , but he must feel better . I certainly do . He slept the rest of the day and didn 't return to normal until today . The studio began to come together once I thought of moving the bureau from the bathroom so that I could use it to store art materials . Now I have no place for the towels that I was keeping there , Posted by I finally got my verizon DSL back , so tried downloading a picture directly from Blogger . It worked , so I can only assume that the problem was with my dial - up server . The picture is a combination of two paintings , one superimposed on the other . It 's a trick you can do on Picasa . I like the way these two fit together . The person responsible for the return of the DSL is a young woman named Angie who talked me through a complicated process of reconfiguring my account . It took almost an hour , during which time she chatted and sang happily during the idle moments . We talked about the recent hurricane , since she was in Texas , and the effect it had on the state . ( She herself was spared any destruction . ) What a pleasure it was after talking with so many impatient , irritable Verizon employees who couldn 't figure out the problem to have such a cheerful , helpful person on the other end of the line . She deserves a commendation for outstanding service . I was prepared to cancel my account if this call didn 't produce results . I 'm glad I didn 't have to do that , since now that I have it back , I remember how much better it is than dial - up . Feeling somewhat out of sorts , I accomplished nothing today but my trip to the therapist . What goes on there is no subject for this blog . On the way home I stopped in Machias to buy curtain rods . One of my projects for the week - end is to remove Benny 's window treatment in the living room and find something a little more attractive . My plan is to do smething with curtains on the bottom half of the windows , cutting the blinds to fit the top half . Trying to keep Benny from looking out the windows seems to be futile , and possibly cruel , since he enjoys playing watchdog in the extreme . I would also like to get my studio set up . Every time I want some art material I have to search through the boxes I have dumped upstairs in the second bedroom . The task seems impossible , which is why I have put it off this long , but something has to be done so I will have my art things in order and ready to use . The torrePosted by I worked with watercolor again at Judy 's yesterday and did most of this painting there . I finished it this morning at home . I 'm pleased with it and feeling very good about my watercolor expertise . I was afraid I would never get it back . Last night was David 's last night here and we had dinner together at the Chowder House . I had thought about cooking dinner for him , but I know he doesn 't like to be around the dogs . If I had taken something over to his house , he would have been left with dirty dishes , so I decided going out was our best option . I have spent much more time with David this year than in the past , so his leaving will have more impact on me than before . He became a bigger part of my life , someone to depend upon for company , good conversation , and practical advice and help . He inspired me artistically , too , with his aproach to photography , his experimental boldness . He has become a friend to me in every way , perhaps the best friend I have . He is going back to Thom , happily , and a void for him is being filled . He leaves one here , though . My day was taken up with worrying about Mike 's dog , Zeke , or actually about Mike and his having to deal with the situation . It turned out that Zeke does have cancer . I floundered around in my typical way upon hearing the news , unable to accept it . I called Dr . Cloutier , imagining that somehow he would make it go away , have some magic remedy . He was very clear and honest , giving me none of the hope that I was looking for . Amputation , which was recommended by Mike 's vet , was his suggestion as well . He said that death was inevitable , but that chemotherapy could prolong Zeke 's life . He explained the reasons for different kinds of treatment and the pros and cons of each one . He outlined the future in detail so that now Mike can make an informed decision about what to do . I called Mike reluctantly and told him what I had found out . He was reasonable and calm about it , at least while he was talking to me , having already accepted Zeke 's diagnosis and its consequences . He listened Cheri Walton Yesterday I spent some time with David and Diana working on painting . I decided to try watercolor for the first time in ages . Here is the result and I am very pleased with it . I am so sick of looking at my acrylics and oils that I could puke . Even though I do a competent job with them , they are so similar to a hundred other people 's paintings that I feel they are uninteresting and lack individual style . My watercolors have always seemed unique , though they certainly have the look of the Cape Ann atrists I admire and learned from . When I see my watercolors next to the " typical " watercolors done by the thousands , they look different . For the moment that is enough to satisfy me , even though the content is lacking in originality . If I can take an ordinary subject and portray it in a way that no one else has , that is something I can feel good about it . This painting is from one of the photographs I took when I was with Thelma earlier this year at Schoodic Point . I talked with Thelma the other day , and listening to her inspired me to try watercolor again . I wish she were nearer to me so that I could indulge in the kind of art talk we always have more often . Somehow , with her I never question what I 'm doing . The world of painting is clear to me . The standards are agreed upon and striven for , the paintings judged according to rules we have set for ourselves . It is all clean and understandable . It is right . I miss the clarity with which I am able to think and produce paintings when I am with her , and with Betty Lou . What a great lack it is in my life not to have that anymore . Posted by It was the second of two very wet days in a row . The rain poured down steadily and hard . When I went out to the chicken house , my feet actually sank into the ground and water oozed out of the grass around my shoes . I was glad I went , though , since Demeter and Annie were out of both food and water . Demeter snubbed me when I appeared , and Annie pecked my feet irritably while I filled their dishes . Chickens may not be very smart , but they certainly have personalities . I spent the moring talking to Mike on the phone and the the afternoon visiting with Diana . Mike 's dog , Zeke , has something wrong with his leg that the vet thinks may be bone cancer . Tuesday he will see a specialist and find out what the problem is . I am not allowing myself to think very much about it , but it would be a terrible injustice ( as if there were such a thing as justice ) if another one of Mike 's dog died . His first Rottweiler , Max , died of some mysterious disease right before Mike 's eyes when he was only four . Then Zeke 's brother Beau died when he was less than two from cancer . Mike 's dogs are his family , and the loss of the other two was devastating to him . Losing another so soon would be just terrible . Despite his cynical , tough - guy attitudes , Mike can be a very kind and tender - hearted person . He has had a hard , often sad , life with few real pleasures and very little genuine happiness . The dogs are what give his life outside of work meaning , provide him with company , conversation and love . It is very upsetting to think that he may have to go through the death of another one now . Well , I am trying to keep from speculating , but obviously I am touched by this ominous possibility . I avoid looking at my own little family as these thoughts run around in my head . The sight of them brings me to tears . The thought struck me yesterday that I would rather have the computer downstairs . It seemed like an impossible job for one person , but I couldn 't help myself . The first problem was moving the desk that I had put in the upstairs studio down to the first floor . With no plan in mind , I pulled the drawers out and dragged the thing into the hall . Once I looked down the stairs , I could see that the best way would be to turn the desk upside down and slide it down on it 's top . I got in front of it and walked down , my back against it to keep it from careening down on its own . This worked like a charm and nothing got scraped , gouged , or otherwise damaged in the process . Next I made several trips up and down with the various computer components , then set everything up beside the phone jack in the dining room . As soon as I made the last connection , I realized a flaw in my plan . The phone jack could not accomodate both the computer and the telephone . I decided to install a phone jack with two receptacles . I had bought two of them earlier for the upstairs and hadn 't used one . This turned out to be a very time - consuming job considering my inexperience and lack of the correct tools ( a screwdriver that fit the screws ) . First I couldn 't get one of the screws out of it 's hole , stripped it , and had to take the jack off the wall upstairs instead . , leaving no phone up there . I worked sitting on the floor , stuffed between the desk and the wall , with a flashlight balanced on the baseboard for light . I removed the single jack fairly easily . I have no idea how many times I failed to get all three little wires of the same color wrapped around the tiny screws in the new jack , but it seemed like hundreds . Every time I put the final twist to the phillips screw , one of them would always pop out . Eventually , though , because of my usual grim determination , I accomplished the job . Mounting the jack back on the wall proved to be almost as challenging and now it dangles there rather precariously by the one screw I managed to get into the wall . I wiCheri Walton This is the way the dining room looks now . I 've taken several pictures of the house since I moved in , but I 'll have to post them one at a time since I can 't figure out how to put more than one picture at a time on my blog . Above is the hall , and below are two views of the living room . I am begining to feel like this is where I live , but I still can 't shake the feeling that I don 't quite belong here . The house is big and I feel like there is too much space around me . It is a real house , not an apartment and not a funny little house like I lived in before . It 's a house where a family probably lived , a working class family . The neighborhood is a family neighborhood where a schoolbus stops and kids with backpacks walk . There are cats roaming free , and flower gardens , and trash cans at the curb on thursday nights . It reminds me very much of where I grew up . Kids are always playing in the street , which is a hill like Boynton St . was . My friends and I played in the street , too , but then it was a soapbox derby we drove instead of the go - kart the children next door use . We played badminton , and they play football . Still , the sounds they make are the same sounds . Their laughing and yelling sounds like we must have sounded . I am old enough now to enjoy those sounds , smiling my old - lady 's smile like the more indulgent adults did when I was little . Now I am the one slowing down as they bound out of the way of my approaching car . I am the one who carries groceries into the house as they streak past me after a loose ball . I am the one who watches with concern from the porch as they tackle each other and wrestle , wondering if they have hurt themselves . Because of them , these children , I have become somebody I hardly recognize , someone I have not been before . In this neighborhood I am the woman next door , the one with the dogs . Posted by I have just gotten out of the tub . Since I have no shower in this house ( yet , I hope ) , I have had to accustom myself to taking baths . It reminds me of the times I spent in the same type of claw foot tub when I was a young girl and teen - ager on Boynton St . I relished those times with the door locked securely against intruders when I filled the tub with water so hot I could only get into it by small increments . I submerged myself as much as I could and luxuriated there , sometimes for more than an hour , daydreaming , fantasizing , planning , reviewing the recent past . Tonight I gave myself the same deep hot water , but I found that my tolerance for lying there had diminished considerably since those old days . I had no daydreams , no fantasies , no plans . I thought of how much money all that hot water cost , of my smothered beef perhaps over - cooking downstairs . I wondered if the dogs were taking advantage of my relative immobility by getting into the trash or peeing somewhere . I noticed that the shims I had put under the bureau beside the tub had over - compensated for the tilt of the floor so that it now tilts in the opposite direction . I considered where I might put more towel racks , and what color to paint the walls . I felt restless , anxious to get up and do something . So much for revisiting past pleasures . Carrie and Gabe were here this week - end , from late Friday to noon today . I was very glad to see them and though the time was brief , it was a nice visit . We spent a lot of time talking over cups of coffee , went out to eat last night . They went with me to the gallery to see the show and to Will and Lisa 's antique store . We watched a movie together last night , and Gabe helped me with a few computer questions I had . I left them for about an hour yesterday afternoon to go to the burial of Lindy 's little boy who died six months ago . Even though I hated to give up the time with the kids , I really wanted to be there so Lindy would know that I was one of the throngs of people who wanted to support her . It was a beautiful sunny daPosted by I am a painter and live in a small coastal town with two dogs , a cat , two parakeets , and five chickens . My two adult children live in nearby states and visit when they feel like going to the end of the earth . This world around me is beautiful and I have a good life without really trying .
I decided to finally try during one of these races . I was off to a good start , but I couldn 't keep my balance as I flew down one of the hills along the bike path . I felt my handlebars shaking and knew I was going to go flying . I hit the front break by accident and went right over the handlebars . My friends said I slid at least ten feet on the asphalt . I screamed as loud as I could when I saw the blood dripping down my arms and legs . My elbows and knees were completely scraped up . When I finally got back to my house , my mom freaked out . She yelled for my dad and frantically asked what happened . " I fell , " I said . She rolled her eyes . " Again ? " My father heard me sobbing in the kitchen all the way from his bedroom down the hall . " Come , " he said . My cries grew even louder . I 'd been down this road before . He had a bottle of peroxide in his hands . I was a big cry baby back then , but my father was right : the cuts on my arms were filled with dirt and rocks that needed to be cleaned out . I would have rather dealt with the infection . The stinging was unbearable . My father always told me to be careful , and I would listen , but every time I didn 't , I paid for it . Every part of this process hurt . Ripping the gauze off was next . As soon as I started feeling good , that was when we knew it was time . " Take a deep breath , " he said . I feel partly responsible for his hearing issue . Posted on June 12 , 2017Categories Memoir , UncategorizedTags bike riding , creative nonfiction , creative writing , friends , injuries , Memoir , pain , races , scabs , writerLeave a comment on Scabs Rehab Two days in a row . Look at me . I feel like my old self again . I 've been working on this in class . It 's a fiction piece that takes place upstate . It 's still a work in progress and will be workshopped soon so maybe I 'll post again with further revisions . But for now , enjoy ! " There are no words to describe the immediate pain of blowing out my knee . The visual aspect is even worse , when you see your leg dangling in a direction you know it 's not supposed to be in . My mind couldn 't process the enormity of the injury . I had to black out in order to not go into shock . " But that wasn 't the end . Soon after the adrenaline kicked in , I began seeing things from my fucked up past . The physical pain turned to metal anguish , and I couldn 't tell you what was worse . I had a front row seat to all my fuck ups . And all I could think was Why now ? My mother , my biggest influence , seemed to be there to help , but as it turned out , it was a reminder of the fact that all the hard work I put into getting myself back on the right track has led to nothing . " Watching her die was like watching myself die . I know I am going to end up going down that same road with Danielle . I can 't handle the pain on my own . How will I work unless I take the painkillers ? We all know what those do , and what they lead to . " Do I know what Danielle 's up to ? I hate myself for not doing anything about her own issues . I made them my own . I didn 't realize it was a trap . It makes sense that I kept going back to when we first met while I was in the hospital . It makes sense that she 's waiting at home for me , in my most vulnerable state . She knows no one 's around to take care of me , no one is there to tell me I love you . But what am I going to do ? Who 's going to get me up and down the stairs ? The signs kept telling me to run . I felt like I was finally in control , when I told that guy to fuck off . None of my friends believed me when I first told them the story . I couldn 't have been more wrong . " I knew the diagnosis before the doctor turned around . I had time to prepare , but I wasted it . I need help . I have an addictive personality . Addicted to trouble . Addicted to addictions . I already lost any momentum I had from all the running over the summer . How do I get it back when I can 't even get up without the fear of my leg giving out again ? I can still feel it shifting around in there . What do I distract myself with ? There are too many questions and I 'm just too tired . " The dog - day - of - summer sun beats down while I run through the rail trail . Last night , I went to sleep convinced I 'd beat my personal record of ten and a half miles . Today , all I notice are the yellowing leaves falling from the trees all around me . It hasn 't rained in weeks although it feels like I 'm swimming through the path rather than running . With every step I take , I convince myself that five miles is more than enough , that running a half marathon is a process , that there will be good days and bad , and that today , is a bad day . I know as long as I 'm trying , I 'll reach my goal . I should have known it would be one of the worst days to run . Now I have to convince myself that failure is okay . If I checked the weather this morning , I would have seen how humid it was . If I had been paying attention all summer , it would have been clear that starting my run at eleven would be a bad idea . As I go down the path , I pass by the usual exasperated faces that make the same mistake that I 've made . Still , after an entire year of consistent running , I feel embarrassed about how sweaty I get . It 's not a normal amount by any means . I soak through sweat - resistant shirts like they 're cotton . Nothing helps . My shorts too . When I 'm done , I look as if I 've jumped in a pool . I know it 's crazy to think that other people are judging me by how I look . I 've yet to run past someone that 's stopped or said anything negative about my appearance . But I started running because I used to weigh a lot more than I do now . Walking down the block or up and down the stairs in my house left me struggling for a breath . I let myself go during a very stressful time of my life . I stopped caring about how I looked , what I ate , who I hung out with , what I put in my body , how I performed at my job , and gave up on my prospects of going back to school . At first , I would stay home with a bottle of the cheapest liquor close to me at all times - I still have an empty bottle on top of my bookshelf as a reminder . I smoked tons of pot with all my old friends from high school too . Every day . I used to call them in the morning and they 'd be over by twelve . We 'd be high until three , eating garbage the entire time , passing the bottle back and forth between each other . Stumbling home by three in the morning . Everyone had their own problems to deal with . Family , school , girlfriends , work , the lack thereof . It felt good letting myself go . I 've always had so much pent up energy and no outlet for it . When I smoked , I lost all sight of who I was . That stress and anxiety turned into something beautiful , something to laugh at , something to bring all of us closer together . Now that I 've picked up running , I realized that none of that was true . We were all in the same room , but further apart than ever before . Hard to believe when we 've known each other for almost twenty years and we 're all in our mid - twenties . I don 't talk to them anymore . That day I struggled up the steps , I had a flashback to my father struggling to get out of bed during his last days . He used to be the strongest person I knew , ever since my mother received her diagnosis , the thought of going about life without her was too much of a burden for him . He drank and spent most of his days at the bar . He 'd come home drunk , either stumbling through the door or escorted by the policeman he went to college with . I was too young to understand the effect it was having on his body , but his friend 's face told me that what he was doing was wrong . When I felt bad , I didn 't know how to keep it under control . I tried writing , but there was too much anger pouring out of me . At the time , I didn 't realize it was a good thing , I only felt weak and embarrassed . As far as I was concerned , following in my dad 's footsteps was the only way out , until I woke up on that cold January morning and my father didn 't . I thought my father was the strongest man in the world , but that morning everything changed . My mother , who 's still here , quickly became my biggest source of inspiration . Not even her cancer diagnosis could break her spirit . She was heartbroken when she received her diagnosis . For months , I 'd see her wincing as she grabbed her breast at the dinner table . She never said anything was wrong , but like the police officer 's , her eyes told me everything I needed to know . When the doctor told her she only had a year left , prolonged by intense chemotherapy sessions and daily pill regimens , coming in all shapes and sizes for every day of the week , she decided to do something about it . She saw how her husband handled stressful situations and was sorry for not doing enough to hide the pain from me . But she ended up not being much better than he was . She focused entirely on making her body as strong and healthy as possible . She always bragged about her college track and field days . When I was little , I remember her going out every day for her five mile run up and down the hills of New Paltz . " Before I go , I will get to the top of that mountain , " she 'd tell me . As I turn the corner and run over a little wooden bridge where each board creaks as if it might collapse , my mind begins to race and I lose track of my breathing . I look down and see that there 's no water left in my bottle . Now , all of a sudden , I feel how hot the sun is . Sweat pours out from everywhere . I feel how damp my shorts are and know that my legs will be on fire later . My mother gave herself a deadline to get up the mountain - by the end of summer . It was hot and for a week straight , she pushed herself harder than she needed to . The doctors , already impressed by her determination to beat cancer , were hesitant to remind her that running in the long term won 't help , and in fact , will be a detriment to her health if she continued to train at the pace she was at . Her heart wouldn 't be able to keep up . " I 'd rather die from running than from cancer , " she 'd tell her doctor . He could only say so much . He didn 't realize she wasn 't running to stay healthy - she was running from her past , trying to forget the pain her husband put her through . It didn 't make sense that he passed before she did . " Idiot , " she always thought as she continued to push forward . That day was the hottest of the season . None of the neighbors who were usually out watching their kids chase each other across the lawns could be found . I remember going to bed sweaty , waking up worse , taking a shower and still not feeling good , and then finally putting on clothes only to feel like I needed to take another shower . My mother was out for about an hour already . I figured she 'd be home in about twenty , thirty minutes . Sometimes she got tired and had to walk a part of the way back . I didn 't think anything could go wrong . She didn 't either . Judging by where they found her , she must have been feeling really good that day . At the top of the mountain , many people go to the state park and get married overlooking the lake and the Mohonk Mountain House . On the way up is a narrow hairpin turn with a steep incline where limousines always bottom out . I 've seen it happen once . Every time I drive up the mountain now , I picture what the bride and groom 's reactions must have been . The driver of the limousine said he saw her jogging very slowly and gave her a light beep to give her a heads up . She stopped and saw the opportunity to take a quick break and bent over as the limousine was about to make the turn . The driver , having done this multiple times in the past , knew he had to stay close to the shoulder . Three hours passed and I began to worry . I tried calling but no answer . It was interesting though because her phone didn 't go right to voicemail . Someone stopped the call . And I remember thinking someone because my mother never ignores my calls , even on her runs . As soon as the thought passed my mind , the doorbell rang . The neighbors were outside now , drawn to the flashing lights . The same officer that used to drop my father off told me my mother had been in a serious accident up in the mountains . I couldn 't keep running . I lost my breath entirely . It happens every time . The point of the run is to clear my mind , but all they do is open it up to these thoughts . It 's as if there 's something left unsaid , a part of the accident that I haven 't looked at more closely . I slow down and rest on a tree off the path . The hairy vine my hand is on turns out to be poison ivy . I freak out and rub my hand in the dirt . I remember seeing my mother caked in dirt where the blood had trickled down . It was a horrible sight . The back of the limousine had a dent in it . According to the driver , she bent down at the same time he was making his turn . He felt the impact of her head against the car and slammed the breaks . The guardrail stopped her fall , but also snapped her neck . I instinctually hold the back of my neck sitting on the dirt . Something smells off to my left . Someone , as usual , didn 't clean up after their dog . I check underneath me and everything is fine . The hot air grows thicker and my head starts spinning . I wonder what 's wrong with me as that woman shakes her head and continues on her run . She was pretty too . She looked like she 's been running for a long time . Her running clothes fit perfectly on her and I imagined myself holding her in my arms . It 's amazing how similar they were , how humans naturally find the one who walks and talks and thinks just like themselves . My parents agreed on everything until the end . There was so much tension between them after my mother 's diagnosis . Neither found a way to express their fears . They thought they knew each other and how they felt and assumed that if they opened up to each other it would do nothing to make their situation any better . A fatal mistake for both of them . Now what do I do ? I drink like my father and run like my mother . Not just down the trails , but from any sort of responsibilities . I met someone a little while ago who went through the same kind of situation as I did . She looked like a mess , but I thought she was beautiful . Her cheeks were sunken in and her skin had no color . Her hair was a mess and she often wore the same thing multiple times a week before washing them . I never saw her apartment in the three years we dated . I caught her doing coke in my bathroom once , assumed it was baby powder until I caught her having a sneezing fit . Blood shot out of her nose and the bag fell to the floor . She looked like she wanted to run away , but all I did was hold her . I didn 't want her to go . I said I didn 't mind , and that I know everyone goes through these things , but she should try to quit . My legs are tired at this point . The same hills my mother tried to climb break me down . My shins are on fire and my left knee aches as if one wrong turn could pop it out of place . I press forward though . I don 't think about my job that requires me to be on my feet for ten hours a day . Vitale 's Construction was very understanding when I came to them asking for a job on the spot . I help unload the trucks and organize the materials that the other workers need throughout the day . Many of these weigh anywhere from fifty to a hundred pounds . At first I appreciated the workout , but now that I wear a knee brace and wrap both my wrists and rub the scar from my elbow surgery to pass the time , I look forward to going home the moment I clock in to work . These runs don 't help in any way , but I 've found that it 's the only way to clear my mind . I can 't go back to who I was before , even if it means I can 't walk . With every hill I pass now , I smile knowing the way down is a little bit easier . After that night , Danielle became more open about her drug use . I learned it wasn 't just coke . Pipes and needles were lying out in the open next to the stove . The more she did drugs , the more I became fascinated by them . I didn 't have anyone to tell me no . " Try it with me , " the words make time stand still in my mind . I couldn 't tell her no . I lost any leverage the night I went back into the living room . I never felt better . Everything made sense . I understood and appreciated what my parents had done for me . But I lost sight of what they took away . The asphalt underneath my feet turns to dirt and rocks . I become more aware of my knee and focus entirely on where my feet should land . Just in time . My breathing becomes more frequent the more I think about it . The bridge is coming up and I think about jumping off . I erase the thought and go back to my feet . The beautiful trees and tall grasses with flowers interspersed between them blur in the background . Tunnel vision sets in . It reminds me of all the coke we used to do . I shake my head again , and press forward . I think of Danielle when we both tried to quit for the first time , when we both went down this same path and when we got to this same bridge . She asked if we should jump once . I laughed and told her to keep running . The concern in her eyes told me to take the smile off my face . We went on three more runs and I already found my new addiction . At least this one was healthy . For the first time , I felt like I was in control . Danielle felt it too . She knew she lost her hold on me . When she walked out the door , she wasn 't sad and she wasn 't happy either . She looked determined , experienced . I watched her stand at the bus stop across the street . I felt my parents looking down and smiling . I always told myself that when they passed , they realized that they were too hard on themselves , guiding me through all the struggles that life tends to throw you into without your permission . I heard the bus come down the street . Then she looked up . She didn 't see me staring . She boarded the bus and I put on my running shoes . When I get home , I 'll clean up the mess , I remember thinking . I started running to clear my mind but every time I run these thoughts come back . I end up on the ground begging for mercy . Everyone sees through me . They know something 's wrong when they ask if I 'm okay . I wish one would just tell me it 's going to be okay . I come up to the end of the path and realize that this is the farthest I 've run . I 'm also alone . No one has passed by from either direction in over five minutes . Up ahead , the trees give way to open soccer fields . I walk over to see all the kids running around . It 's just a practice though . No one is wearing their uniforms . A ball comes over to me and I think about how I 've always hated soccer because I 've never been able to run . Trying not to embarrass myself , making it seem like I can kick the ball back to them , I give myself a running start . What feels like a bullet going into my knee travels through my body straight to my head . Everything fades . I feel something cool on my leg when I see the light again . Someone hovering over me is shaking me and asking me what my name is . I can tell I 'm not giving them the answer they want . They ask if I know where I am and what I 'm doing here , and if I live in the area . There are too many questions . I fade again . My parents and Danielle are arguing with each other . They knew right away what kind of girl she was . My father holds a pipe in his hand while my mother goes in the kitchen to throw out the rest of the pot . It 's hard to hear what they 're actually saying . The glass coffee table shatters in the living room and a bong is thrown through one of the windows . They get right in Danielle 's face and tell her this is her fault , that I 'm not capable of doing anything on my own , that she should be there to help me . A smile sneaks through and my father hits her across the face . The ground shakes underneath me as doctors hover overhead telling me I 'm going to be okay . The light gives me a headache and the rumbling makes me dizzy . My leg throbs , but I can 't feel it when I go to touch it . The doctors pull my hand away . " You don 't want to do that , " they say . " Don 't look down . " Darkness again . I follow my mother up the mountain and watch her head hit the back of the limousine . My body freezes while my father collapses on the ground behind me . Cars float by while the ground begins to shake . I try to find something to grab but everything collapses underneath my feet . Not even light can escape . " You 're going to be okay , " I hear again . " Bite down on this , " someone says as a rag is shoved in my mouth . I spit it out as my knee grinds back into place . An ear piercing scream escapes my body . I laugh at how bad it hurts . Confused looks from the doctor make it uncontrollable . Smiling is the only way out . The same rag is used to wipe the blood away from my mouth . " You 're going to need to see a dentist when we 're done . " I feel tiny bits of teeth in my mouth and wonder how much I 've already swallowed . The thought makes me sick and I black out again . She was at the end of the bar with a man much older than her . I couldn 't take my eyes off her . She couldn 't take hers off me - and neither could the man she was with . He noticed immediately and tried to get up to move , but she insisted on staying . Growing frustrated , he ordered another drink and downed it fast . I smiled to see how she 'd respond . She smiled back , and the man became furious . He wanted to come over . Ten years ago , he would have said something . But he walked out . Didn 't say a word . They must have just met . I couldn 't hear her name over the crowd at Snugg 's . The light kept missing her face unless she leaned in closer . Shadows danced around her smile , her jaw very pronounced . I thought about picking her up and holding her against the wall of the bathroom . Instead , we went back to my place where it 's a little more private . It was odd she didn 't want to leave . For the first time , someone enjoyed being in my presence . I noticed weird marks on her arms when she was on top of me . Mosquito bites , I assumed . Why else would she scratch them so often ? She kept looking at her bag , which was also weird . What was in there ? It didn 't matter because I was already hooked . I was in the middle of telling her during breakfast that I was into running because of my mother , going into excessive details about her struggle , when my old friends walked in . Her eyes lit up when she caught the scent that followed . She had the same look getting on that bus .
Bree couldn 't sleep . To begin with she 'd been laying in bed but she didn 't feel comfortable in it . It was softer than her bed at home . Then she 'd sat on the floor for a little while and tried to meditate . She hadn 't been able to stop herself thinking so it hadn 't worked . Finally she 'd decided to stare out of the window at the garden even though she couldn 't see anything very well . For a few minutes she had managed to divert her thoughts by contemplating whether she should climb out of the window or not . In the end she decided not to , just in case someone decided to check on her . Fog started filling her vision . Blinking Bree wondered where it had suddenly appeared from because it had been too nice a day for them to expect fog . It wasn 't until she turned around that she realised that the fog wasn 't actually fog . Her entire room was full of smoke . Without stopping to think about what she was doing she grabbed a pillow case off one of the pillows and ripped part of it off . A jug of water had been put on the bedside table so she dunked the fabric into the water jug . If Bree had been with anyone she knew then they would have told her to just get out of the building . That would have been the safer choice . Instead she was planning on going to find Trey and Logan because she couldn 't leave either of them to die in a burning building . Covering her mouth with the fabric , she left the room , burning her hand slightly on the door handle . Trey had mentioned his study , and that was the room they 'd travelled from to her room , but she had no idea where it was . Where Logan might be was even more of a mystery , so she made the choice to find Trey first , because she at least had some idea where he was . Remembering the route they took was almost impossible , especially as the Residence looked very different when it was filled with smoke , even though it was a square building and should have been easy to get round . All she knew was that she was on the south wing . Closing her eyes , Bree tried to think about the direction they 'd come from when Trey had led her to the room she 'd been given . All she could focus on was the sound of the flames burning through wood and it felt like they were all around her . Eventually she picked a direction , hoping that she would find Trey or Logan . It was obvious she wouldn 't be able to help both of them , even though she would have done if she could , and she felt guilty for wanting to find Trey . As she ran along the south wing Bree opened all the doors she went past , but no one was in any of the rooms . She hadn 't expected Trey to be in any of them , because she didn 't think the garden had been outside his window , although Logan might have been . The east wing was even more smoky than the south and she knew if she didn 't find either of them soon she 'd have to abandon both of them . Every room she passed that was empty made her feel as though she wasn 't going to find either of them and part of her wanted to stop . Trying to find people in a burning building was a very stupid idea , especially to look for one person she barely knew and Trey . She shook her head at the thought she was risking her life for Trey . Finally , at the point when Bree would have had to get out of the building , she opened a door and saw a body slumped over a desk . She didn 't know if it was Trey or Logan , or someone else entirely , but it was enough . The room was full of smoke , like the rest of the Residence , so she closed the door in an attempt to stop the flames from getting in the room before she managed to get out with whoever it was . All the doors were thick wood that it would take fire some time to get through . More slowly than she should have done , because she was worried she might have found the wrong person , Bree walked towards the body . It wasn 't until she was stood right next to it , and the desk , that she could breathe a sigh of relief , because it was breathing , if unconscious , Trey . A single , unwanted , tear trickled down her cheek as she stared at him , half trying to work out how she was going to get him out of the room and half wondering why he mattered so much after what he 'd said to her . Gently she brushed some hair off his face , remembering a time when they 'd been friends who occasionally hated each other , before focusing on what she should be doing . Bree 's window had been open , but Trey 's was closed and seemed to have been jammed with something . Glass wasn 't something they 'd used in the village they 'd grown up in , so anyone else would have been in trouble because they wouldn 't have understood what they were looking at , while the girl who 'd been laughed at due to her choices knew exactly what she needed to do thanks to a couple of diaries she 'd been translating for fun . Knowledge was one thing , finding something to break the window was another entirely . The filing cabinet came into view and Bree had her answer . She pulled one of the drawers open , emptied it of everything she could , before yanking it out of the cabinet . Its weight was a surprise , so she nearly dropped it on her foot , but finally she had hold of it and swung it at the window with all her strength . After a couple of hits it smashed in a tinkling of glass . That just left getting Trey out of the window . " Who else would be idiot enough to come to a burning building in order to get the people out of it ? " He laughed . " Your stupidity just goes to show that we are related . " Quinn sighed . " That 's not the point , little sister . You should have got out of the building , not gone running around looking for people because you thought they needed rescuing . " Bree did as she was told . Quinn being outside was a surprise and she was glad he was there , but she wanted to know why he was there and why he was helping Trey . It took them a few seconds to get Trey out of the room , before Bree allowed herself to be helped out of the window . Climbing out wasn 't as easy as she had expected it to be , even with Quinn there , and she felt a piece of glass dig into her hand through the tapestry . Once she was outside she looked back at the room she 'd been in , at the smoke that filled it , and saw flames beginning to burn the floorboards under the door . Sighing , she turned to follow Quinn , who was busy dragging Trey away from the building . Quinn stopped once they were under some trees that seemed far enough away for them to be safe . Quinn looked at Bree . " There 's a girl I met , Aisling , the High Priestess of Persephone , and she wants to save the world as we know it . I believe in her and the people she 's working with , so I 'm helping out with a few things . " Smiling , Quinn shook his head . " That man has done everything he could to help us , even though he knew he could be found out at any time . When he invited you here to look at those books Logan found he told me why , he told me what he was going to say to you , and I told him he was an idiot , but he knew that it would keep you at the Residence , where we needed you to be . From the moment he made that choice he knew he could lose you , but he did it anyway . " The smile faded . " I don 't know yet if we managed to get your mother and siblings out in time . Your father found out about her , which is why he agreed to the fire . " " Father 's been trying to get rid of me for years and it hasn 't worked yet . " Quinn reached out and wrapped an arm around Bree . " I 'm going to find you a horse and then you 're going to go , with Trey , to North Square . You 'll be safe there . " " There are other mixed bloods out there who need my help and I 'm going to do everything I can to keep them safe . Sometimes it doesn 't work out , but there are people in North Square who would never have got there if I hadn 't helped them . Once I knew for sure there 's no one else out there who needs me I 'll stop . " " You have to , Bree . When Father finds out you 're alive he 's going to do everything he can to change that . So is Trey 's father . The only place I know for certain you 'll be safe is North Square . " " Most people haven 't . It 's about an eight hour ride from here , so you should be there by sunrise , and the only way I can describe it is as an island attached to an island . Does that make sense ? " Quinn removed his arm and rummaged about in the bag he had over his shoulder . Bree hadn 't noticed it before , but considering what had happened it wasn 't exactly a surprise . After a short time he pulled out a bit of paper and handed it to her . " This is a map I 've been making for everyone who 's travelling to North Square . If Trey was awake he 'd be able to take you , but he 's been drugged and isn 't going to be much use for at least twelve hours . All you really need to do is keep going north until you reach water , then follow it round until you come across a small land bridge . The bridge isn 't very long at all , but it can be a little scary at times . Once you 've crossed the bridge you 'll find yourself about half a mile away from a wall and if you keep going forwards you 'll find yourself in front of a gate . Knock on the gate and someone will open it for you . " Bree took the map , even though she could barely see it and that was due to the burning building , because it would be dawn before she arrived at North Square , if she went at all . She looked at Quinn and then at Trey , trying to work out if travelling to a town she wasn 't even sure existed was a good idea . If Quinn was right about her father then going home wasn 't a possibility and … sighing , she ran a hand through her hair . There was every chance the only family who cared about her was gone for good , so all she had was Quinn and he thought she 'd be safe in North Square . " I promise , Bree . " He smiled . " There 's another girl there I promised I 'd get back safe and I 'm not going to let either of you down . " Quinn turned to look out into the darkness . " We need a horse over here . " " He 's not … basically Aisling doesn 't like him , Persephone thinks he 's taken the wrong path , and I 'm pretty sure he 's a part of the group that believes Anubis should be the only deity of Thear . " Quinn shrugged . " From what I 've heard Anubis hasn 't been able to talk to Logan for months and that 's normally a bad sign . " " I knew that Logan was lying to me , but I couldn 't work out what he was lying about . " Bree sighed . " I thought maybe he was trying to keep any secret knowledge he had to himself until he knew me better . It never crossed my mind that he might be lying about his connection with Anubis . " The sound of someone walking towards them in the darkness silenced them and out of the darkness came one person leading a horse . Bree paid more attention to the horse than she did to the man with it , remembering all the time she 'd spent on horse back . Slowly she took a couple of steps towards the horse , holding out her hand for it as she moved . Without giving her time to answer the question Quinn put the reins into her hand and started talking to the man about how they were going to get Trey safely to North Square . As they talked Bree realised that she would have been lost if Quinn hadn 't been there , so the first thing she 'd need to do when she got to North Square was thank Aisling . If it hadn 't been for her , and Persephone , Bree would have been alone in the darkness with a drugged man and no idea of what to do next . Bree watched as Quinn , with the help of the man she still didn 't know the name of , lifted Trey onto the back of the horse . Once Trey was in a sitting position on the horse Quinn tied him to it with two bits of rope and Bree couldn 't stop herself giggling at what was happening . She couldn 't imagine what she would have done to get Trey on the horse , but she didn 't think he would have been in a sitting position with his hands and legs tied together so he wouldn 't fall off . It didn 't look particularly comfortable , and Bree was glad that she hadn 't been drugged because she was sure that all of Trey 's muscles would ache when he woke up . Gently Bree kneed the horse to get it moving , not wanting to leave Quinn behind and knowing she had to , because he needed to do what was important to him . Even though he was her older brother she 'd spent all the time she 'd known him wanting to look after him . From the time their father found out he existed he 'd been in danger and there had been nothing she could do to help him , so she didn 't turn to look at him as she rode off , in case she decided to go back . She still couldn 't really help him , but she could at least do what he asked her to . It didn 't even cross Bree 's mind to attempt galloping . Under normal circumstances she was a good rider , but riding with another person tied to the poor horse was definitely not what called be normal circumstances . She let the horse go at her own pace instead , knowing that it was much safer , especially for Trey . Every so often she checked to make sure that his hands were still tied together , hoping that would be enough to keep him on the horse because she couldn 't check his feet . Bree couldn 't see much because it was dark , so all she could do was think . She was worried about her mother and the rest of her family , about Trey , about Quinn , and she even found herself worrying about people she didn 't even know . Trey 's father setting fire to the Residence was a sign that things were happening , things that many of the Dorma had wanted to happen for years , which terrified her . All mixed bloods were in danger because of one man 's prejudice , but at least there were people like Quinn out there trying to stop it from happening . Her eyes locked on Trey as she tried to work him out , wondering why he 'd made the decisions he had . Sighing , Bree tried to stop thinking and focus on where she was going . She was sure that she was going north , but that didn 't stop her from worrying she might be going the wrong way . It didn 't help that she wasn 't sure how long she had been riding . There was no way she could know , until the sun began to rise and she worked out the time , as well as she could , in her head . At eleven , maybe eleven thirty , she realised there was a fire , by midnight at the latest she left the Residence , so that meant she 'd been riding around seven hours . It was hard to believe that she really had been riding for that long , even though her muscles told her that she was probably right . Finally , after what felt like hours more , Bree found herself on the bridge that Quinn had told her about . The first thought she had was that Quinn had been too nice to call it a bridge . When she looked down she felt sure that the tide was going to come in and sweep them all away , so she did her best not to look down until she got to dry land again . As she rode towards the wall she found herself wondering what she was going to find behind it . Carefully Bree got off the horse , in part so she didn 't knock Trey and in part because her legs were reminding her how long it had been since she rode a horse . She hobbled towards the gate and knocked on it as hard as she could . For the first time she could actually feel the pain in her hand where she had impaled it on the window glass . Looking down at it she saw that she had a piece of glass stuck in it . With her other hand she pulled it out before knocking on the gate again . Biting her lip Bree tried to work out what she should say , because she had no idea who was on the other side . " I 'm Bree , Quinn 's sister . I think you 're expecting me . " The gate swung open before Bree had a chance to say anything else . A blue woman stood there , with a welcoming look on her face but not smiling . " I was hoping you wouldn 't turn up , because your arrival means our world is changing , but it 's very nice to meet you . I 'm Aisling , the High Priestess of Persephone , and this is North Square . " Shrugging , Aisling walked over to the horse and took hold of the reins . " I wouldn 't have been doing my job as High Priestess if I didn 't have someone there . Follow me and I 'll take you both to my house . " Bree let Aisling go through the gate first , with the horse and Trey . Once they were through Bree followed them , knowing that she probably wouldn 't ever be able to leave North Square again , and tried not to let herself think of everything she 'd left behind . It was hard , but it helped to know that she was safe . With the unhurt hand Bree pushed the gate closed . At the top , middle and bottom of the gate were bolts , so she slid them into place . Having the gate locked did make her feel more safe , as did the huge wall she realised was keeping her safe from the Dorma supremacist movement and any vigilantes who might want to hurt her because she was mixed blood . Slowly , because everything needed to be done slowly until her legs started working again , she turned around . Aisling was watching her , with worry written all over her face . Every step Bree took was agony at first , but the pain faded . It seemed to take longer than she ever believed it would though . During that time she passed through another gate , which stayed open , and soon found herself stood next to a house . She looked around , and found that she was stood in between two rows of houses made of stone . They reminded her of the Residence , " There are other people living in North Square , but most don 't live this close to the gates , " Aisling explained , as she led Bree , the horse and Trey into the garden behind a house . " I chose to live here so I could be the first to greet the new arrivals , and that meant the old greeter could choose a house somewhere else in North Square . She was very grateful to me because she 'd been looking for someone to take on the job . A lot of people don 't want to be this isolated , but it 's been a long time since I had the chance to spend time alone , so I 'm happy to do it . " Aisling sighed , untying Trey 's hands . " There have been a lot recently , thanks to the work that Quinn and Trey have been doing . I 'm glad they 're here , because it means they 're safe , but there are people I 've been waiting for who haven 't arrived yet and I 'm worried about them . " Smiling , Aisling knelt to untie Trey 's feet , and Bree stepped forwards to hold his weight so he wouldn 't fall off the horse . " I 'm sure they will too , but that 's not going to stop me from worrying about them . Thear 's changing into a place I wouldn 't want to live and I want to know that they 're safe from those changes . " Aisling stood up . " Shall we ? " Between the two of them they got Trey off the horse and into the house . Quinn had made it look easy , but it wasn 't . Eventually they got Trey onto a bed in a bedroom , which was when Bree breathed a sigh of relief , even though she wasn 't sure that he was going to wake up . She sat on the bed next to him and brushed some hair off his face , hoping that he would wake up and they 'd be able to talk about what happened between them before the fire . Bree stood up , glancing at Trey one last time . They walked together to the kitchen , which was just across the hall . Bree couldn 't stop herself staring at the Uisdro girl because she was the first of her blood that she 'd met . It was the webbing between Aisling 's fingers that fascinated Bree the most . She couldn 't imagine what it would be like to have hands like that and she found herself moving her fingers , wondering how Aisling held pens , mugs or anything that seemed to need unconnected fingers . Bree sat down at the table , watching Aisling as she made the tea . Yawning , she rested her head on her hand before remembering that she 'd just pulled a piece of glass out of her hand . Wincing she looked down at the hole that had been left and realised that it was oozing blood , probably from carrying Trey around . She wrinkled her nose at the thought of the blood in her hair as Aisling turned to bring the tea over to her . Sighing , Bree put her hand up to touch it . She hadn 't even realised she 'd done it , but as soon as she knew it was there it started throbbing . The cut in her hand seemed to be the worse of the two cuts and needed cleaning soon , because she had no idea what dirt might have got in it from the fire and travelling to North Square . Aisling put both the mugs down on the table and then went over to fill a bowl with warm water . Bree watched as she looked in one of the cupboards , took out a small bottle and put a couple of drops of whatever was in the bottle into the water . After stirring the water she brought it over to the table . Carefully , Bree put her hand into the bowl . She wrapped her free hand around the warm mug , grateful for the warmth . Whenever she was tired she felt the cold . Yawning again she looked at Aisling . Aisling smiled at her before sipping her own tea . Bree nodded , looking down at her hand for a moment . It was hard to know where to start even though it had been less than a day since she had arrived at the Residence . After sipping her tea a few times she made the decision to start from the beginning because it would be easier that way and then she started talking . K . A . WebbI write . . . a lot . Writer . Reader . Pagan . Occasional artist . Collector of Tarot and Oracle cards . Read more . . . Everything on this site is free to read . There 's no paywall . When I get back to making ebooks they aren 't going to cost anything to download either . It 's going to stay that way for as long as the site exists . All I ask is that , if you enjoy what you 've been reading , you show your support . Leave a comment on your favourite story . Share the site on social media . Use the tip jars below . Anything you feel you 're happy to do makes a difference to my life .
Then something happened to Rusty . I swear someone slipped him some viagra ! After round number five I was like dude did you forget to take your blood pressure medicine ? Then this morning it was more of the same ! What the heck ? Oh do not get me wrong I am not complaining I am just wondering what they Heck . ROTFLMAS ! Today Jolynn and I went down to base to watch a friend play softball . It was so nice to just sit and get to know this awesome lady . Then I took Jolynn out to Burger King and we took it back to the beach to eat . It was so nice down there . Then we headed back to watch another softball game . I am so glad that I got to know Jolynn and I am a better person because I met her ! Not only did Jolynn and I get to see some awesome looking marines in tight pants play softball , but the iron man thing was going on . Yummmm there is nothing better then looking at hard bodies . Just when we thought we were done looking at them a big group of them came running up the road . I to slow way down so that we could take a look . Hey we are married , not dead ! Today Nikki went and passed out flyers in hopes of getting some stuff for her yard sale . Only one person called back . However this one guy thinks that it is so cool that Nikki is trying to raise money to go on a mission trip . This gentlemen is a member of the black sheep . They are a Christian biker group ! This gentlemen told us to let him know when our yard sale is and that he would post it for all the black sheep to see , and that he would spread the word that we are looking for more stuff ! All I can say about that is . . . . . . Faith . Well it is finally Friday and I have a lot to do . I am hoping that the children will pitch in . Notice I said hope . Actually I have good children , but they will not do much if you do not ask them to ! Well , Our children have started spring break this week . I do not think that I will have to much of an issue trying to keep them occupied . Amber will be working and I think her and Sam want to go to Disney . Nikki is going to a lock in tonight and I am sure that she will be spending a lot of time with her boyfriend . Today one of the " marines " mom and sister will be coming in . I am looking forward to meeting her . I love meeting new people . Everyone I meet brings something into my life . So yesterday I went and spend that gift card ! I bought a vacuum , some new rugs for the kitchen and the bathroom and I bought myself a new top . Oh I also bought so more material . I am seeing more quilts in my future ! Poor Rusty came home from work and fell asleep at 7 : 30 last night ! I knew he would be worn out , but man did he crash hard . I had to wake him up a few times and ask him to go back to his bed so that I could sleep in mine ! Nikki 's birthday is next month and she has decided that she wants to go get henna done . I think that is so cool . I have wanted to get henna done for a while , so I think I will also get a henna done ! I have been looking for a place around here that does henna , but I think I am going to have to go up to L . A . to get it done . Oh well . I guess I better go get into the shower and get my day started . I am sure that I will not get everything done that I need to , but at least I will be clean ! LOL Source : WordNet 1 . 7 . 1 Copyright © 2001 by Princeton University . All rights reserved . So here is the deal . Ryan says to me last night " mom what do I do on this page ? " I said " what do the directions say ? " Ryan attempts to read the directions . He is SUPPOSE to circle all of the right angles . So I asked Ryan what a right angle is . He had no clue . This does not surprise me since he is only working on a first grade level . How many first graders know what a right angle is ? Anyway , I wrote another nasty note to the umpa lumpa . . . . . a . k . a . Ryans teacher . So when Elle and I got home I was cleaning out my old wallet and I found one of those pre paid visa gift cards . I called to see if there was any money left on it , and there was $ 175 ! Woo Hoo . I am so glad I called before I just threw the card away . I do not have that much planned for today . I need to put together a quilt and get some cleaning done . But for now I am going to sit here and drink my coffee . Rusty must be so worn out this morning . Rusty had to work yesterday and then he had to go get his boss from the air port . Rusty got home about 11 and then he decided that he wanted pig sex . That 's all fine and dandy , except he had to get up at 4 : 30 to take Elle to the airport ! Yesterday was the first time Butter had been to a park . I must admit that he did very well . One lady lady said that he was very handsome and then he tried to lick her hand off . I am glad that I can now take Butter more places , but I still need to work and training him a little bit more . Amber just came in here all frantic . She dropped her phone in the toilet while she was going to the bathroom ! I asked her if she bought the insurance on the phone ? She can 't remember . Oh I need to go back to bed ! Last night Nikki asked me if I had made another " good " journal entry . Nikki said that some of my entries make her cry . So I read her the one that I wrote yesterday . Nikki took that entry and even the pictures and posted them on her my space account ! I came back about ten minutes later and told her that she needed to post that I wrote that ! I want some credit ! LOL My boss came over the other night to pick up all of the work I had done . While he was here I offered him dinner and he gladly ate . he is a single guy so home cooked food is a real treat for him . Then he asked me how the fund raising was going for the girls . He gave Nikki $ 20 and said here is 1 % towards her trip ! I was so shocked . So to all my readers if you would like to donate 1 % please let me know . ( Nikki has a smaller amount to raise , but she has a shorter time frame to get the money . ) I called a girlfriend yesterday and asked her what she was doing and if she could take me to wal mart . So she swung by and got me . She said that she was heading that way anyway . We got to talking and we have come to the conclusion that we are going to start car pooling again . We both go to the same stores , and with gas being $ 3 . 09 a gallon it will save us both some money . I like saving money ! I so want to go soak in a hot tub and just relax . Oh wait I can do that ! O . K . I am off to warm up some home made bread , and then I am going to go soak in a tub . Women really are the glue . As women we can be anything that we want to be . We can get a big fancy degree or we can be the soccer mom . Neither job is more important then the other . As women in the United States the sky is the limit for us . We are very blessed to have the modern items such as a dish washer , t . v . and even running water . But what about women around the world ? I wonder what it would be like to be a women living in Iraq . As moms I am sure that they want the same things that we want for our children , yet they have so many more struggles . Do these women lay down at night with a weapon , just so they can protect their children ? What do they do when the males in their lives are killed ? After all these women cannot do anything without a male taking them around . How many of these women go to bed hungry ? The questions are endless for me , and yet as a mom and I wife I can only imagine what their life must be like . If all of the women all over the world did something for another women could we change the world ? If we bought some food for a single mom who is struggling would that a make a difference ? Well it would make a difference to her . I do know that in my own life , I am the glue that hold this family together . I do know that I do not live in a war torn country . I do know that I am blessed to be living in this great land . Most of all I know that we all need to get off our asses and start changing the lives of women in our own communities . If all of us would united then we could change the world . Today was so nice . Elle and I went and ran some errands , But man it was so nice just to hang out with a girl ! I am usually surrounded by guys , so girl time was nice ! Tonight I cooked tacos for dinner , and I had enough for our family , and then all of a sudden I was feeding 15 people ! Some how everyone heard that I was making tacos for dinner and everyone came up ! I swear I am getting good at cooking for crowds . For those who asked , yes my curls are all natural ! I so love them . While I was growing up I was not happy with them , but then curly hair came in style and I was so in . Then I went back to straightening it until one day Rusty asked me why I did that . I really had no good reason . Rusty said that he loves my curles , and from then on out I have never done anything to my curles . I miss the first episode of the deadliest catch ! I so love that show . Elle laughs at me because she lives in Alaska and sees that stuff all the time . Well , tomorrow I am going to go do some shopping and that is going to be about the extent of my day ! Oh I am putting on a pot of chili and I will be making some home made dread tomorrow ! YUM This weekend has been so busy ! A group of us went up to look out and then we hiked out to the water falls . As you can tell from the pictures there was no water there ! We have not had any rain to speak of in 2 years ! Jake and Rusty cooked up a big breakfast this morning and man was it good . I think we have had a big breakfast every Sunday since the boys got back . For some reason Jake likes to cook . This morning all of the children continued to shoot each other with these foam darts . They think they are just going to go buy an ass load of dart and run through the house shooting each other . The boys say that it would be cheaper then playing paint ball . I still have not figured out the difference between men and boys . I will ponder that subject later one . I am so glad that Elle came in . I just seeing all of our friend . Elle said that Rusty is looking good and that Rusty 's new job must be agreeing with him . I think Rusty looks great . he has lost about 40 pounds and he likes his job . Rusty will have a long week this week . Thursday , Friday and Saturday he will be working a tent sale down on Base . Rusty does not usually work on the weekends . Rusty said he was going to take Monday off , but now I feel really bad . I would love to spend that day with Rusty , but I told a friend that I would go with him when he went to have his stress done . I do not know . I do not want to let either of them down . I think I am going to suggest that Rusty and I go out that night . just the two of us . Our dear friend Elle will be here this afternoon ! I just love it when she comes in . I so miss Elle when she is in Alaska , but I am so glad that she comes back here a few times a year ! Well Kevin or Rusty were suppose to go get Elle , but I found out this morning that neither of them could do it . So I will be making the great trip . I just hate the drive , but it will give us time to catch up . I was reading Gerris journal today and it reminded me of something that happened that happened yesterday . While I was at the dairy , I was walking around the petting zoo . They had brought up a calf , and he was so young that he still had his umbilical cord ! I have never seen a calf that young . I will add that to my list of new things for this year . I do not have that much planned for today . I will need to get some work done and then I need to get Elle . I am going to ask Manny to hang out today in case the children need anything . My day started by finding a stray dog that looked like she had just had babies . I called animal control , and they said that I could bring the dog in . This dog was so sweet . She came to me when I called her and she let me chain her up . I gave her some food , but she would not eat it . So I gave her a good bath before I took her to the shelter . This dog was so sweet , So I think she is someone 's pet that just got out . Ryan has been bugging me to take him to the lake so that he can drive his boat . I was going to take him today , but then the lake got choppy . I AM going to take him to the lake tomorrow if the lake is calm . I still have a lot of work to get done , however Amber 's boyfriend has been helping me out . I told him that I would pay him $ 7 an hour cash ! He jumped on that . I have worked most of the day , and let me tell you . . . . I am so sick of looking at petitions . I guess I should get use to it because the season is getting ready to kick off . I called a friend today because I needed some have some papers notarized . I have not seen her in a while , it was . . . . . well life . Anyway she came over and did all of the paper 's that I needed done . I put the kettle on and we had a blast drinking tea . My friend and I both share a Love of the OLD Pyrex . So it was nice to sit and talk about dishes with her . Tomorrow Manny and I are going to go tour some vineyards . Temecula is full of them and so we said what the heck . I should spend tomorrow working , but they will be doing work on our power lines so the power will be out most of the day anyway . Last week I had several conversations with all of the marines that were here . I know rule number one of deployment is to never ask what happened or what they did . I stick by that rule and Rusty never told me what he did . He said that I did not need to know . With that said . I was talking with Jake one day and he broke out his camera . He showed me pictures of the hummers that were blown up . He told me that while they were out on patrolls the children would run up to them and say " fuck your mother " . The guys would just aim their guns at them . C . J . was telling about what it is like to have bullets go past his head . He told of one of his friends that should be dead because they had to inject so many drugs into him just to TRY to keep him from screaming . C . J . told me how scared he was to watch his friend get put on that air craft , and that he still does not know if his friend is dead or alive . What do you say to this ? I could say nothing . I just sat there and listened to these BOYS tell their stories . I wanted to give them words of advice , I wanted to hug them , but instead I just sat there . At that moment in time I wanted my dad , I knew that he would tell me what to say . Oh that 's right I can 't talk to my dad any more . Rick I will call Rick . No I can 't talk to Rick either . ( Rick is Rusty 's dad ) Why is it that the men that could answer my questions are gone ? Then I started to think . Do I know any older military wives who I could talk to . Nope . Am I on my own here ? I finally said to Rusty " C . J . and Jake said some things to me that I did not like " Then I explained my self to Rusty , he said that He knows what to say and that I can lean on him for my answers . Someone once told me that Rusty got meaner after his last deployment . I did not see it , but over time I have . He is not mean to his friends and family , But Lord help the person that even thinks about hurting his family . War changes people . The marines are different , and I am different . Yes we still dance in the living room , and laugh around the fire , but I can see it in them . I see the look in their eyes that says don 't fuck with me . I see them walk around with their fist closed , I see a certain sadness in their eyes . As their substitute mom I often wonder about these marines . There is nothing I can do for them . I cannot take away what they saw or undo some of the things that they have done . I do know one thing that I can do . I can open my home up and give them a soft place to land . I just hope that a warm place to sleep and a home cooked meal helps them some . Well my little man is 12 today ! We are going to surprise him big time today . I am going to wrap all of his gifts and have them in the trunk of the car . Rusty is going to call me and get everyone 's order for McDonald 's , and then we will meet up at the lake . I do hope that he has a great birthday ! I have some stuff to finish up around here . To my great surprise I got everything cleaned yesterday ! Well . . . . except all of the glass , so I have to do that . It is nice to have a clean house again . Yesterday , my boss stopped by and asked me to do some work for him , so I am going to able to work at home this week and then I should be back to work full time by the beginning of next month . Rusty is not happy about this because he does not like me working at all . I am going to go ahead and work another petition season , the money is good , and even if we don 't need it at least it would be nice to have some extra play money . I am hoping to get started on another quilt this week . We met this awesome marine , and his name is Manny . He is older the most of the marines that come through this house and it took me a while to get to know him . Manny joined the marines because he ran out of money while going to college . Now Manny will be able to use his G . I . bill to help pay for his masters degree . Manny is very quiet , until you get to know him . In this house there are always hugs and kisses when someone walks in or when they leave . Manny would not allow that . Now that he knows us , he is hugging and playing with the children . Yesterday Manny even went and laid down and watched t . v . with Amber ! I am going to miss him when he leaves . A friend called me last night and I asked her what was going on . She just cried and said that she was drinking wine and wanting to come back to California . I so wish they would move back here . I miss the whole family ! Last night I went to bed with a really good idea as to how today was going to go . I was going to sleep until I was no longer tired . I was going to clean up the house , and then if there was any time left I was going to work a quilt . OH NO that is not how today went ! I got woken up at 2 a . m . by Amber throwing up while sitting on the toilet . Nikki is trying to find something to settle her stomach and is slamming every door in the kitchen . O . K . back to bed at 3 a . m . I did get a few more hours of sleep until Amber came in and told me that she still felt like crap . So she crawled into our bed and has been there all day . Then I forgot that I had a meeting at Ambers school . So up to the high school I went . Ambers teachers actually said a lot of good things about her , and next year she will be able to take some of her classes as college classes ! Go Amber ! I did freak one of her teachers out because he saw me from behind and thought it was Amber . We look so much a like that it is scary . Then I had to go to the store and get some stuff to plug up both ends . That 's always fun . Then I came home and tried to get some cleaning done . I have managed to get half of the house cleaned so I cannot complain . Can you believe that I have been so busy that I forgot that Ryan 's birthday is tomorrow ! So yesterday I had to go shopping for him , and tomorrow I am going to go buy some cup cakes . Rusty and I got him a remote control boat that shoots water . I think he will like it since he can take it to the lake . So tomorrow we are just going to grab some McDonald 's and go down to the lake and eat dinner , and then let Ryan open his gifts . One of our friends is giving Ryan a t . v . , so some of the other friends are getting him a video card . I am so glad that I had a few really good days in a row , because yesterday and today were not so good . Lets start with yesterday . I will set this up for everyone . I had not slept much Thursday night and I got up early to help Amber with her yard sale . Nikki needed to be picked up from school and then taken back to Brenna 's house where they were going to spend the weekend . Brenna 's parents went to vegas , so the girls were going to be there with uncle Joe . Uncle Joe had been sick , but it was not that bad . I told everyone else in the house that I was going to go lay down and to wake me up if they needed anything . I plugged my cell phone in and went to sleep . I heard my phone ring , but I let it go to voice mail . I jumped out of bed and grabbed my shoes . I ran down the hallway and slid around the corner . That 's when I remembered that I needed my glasses . So I went back to the bed bedroom at full speed . When I finally got back to the kitchen I started screaming because I could not find my keys . Sam grabs me and my purse and says " come on mom I will take you where you need to go " . Sam starts to drive and he finally asks where we are going and told him that I needed to go to Brennas house . When we got to Brennas house their were fire trucks outside , I ran from the truck so fast that I almost fell . Sitting on the bench was Brenna and Brennas little sister and little brother . Nikki is standing next to them with this nasty look on his face . Jake is just shaking his head at me . I grabBrenna and her siblings and just started hugging them . That is when one of them said " he is dead " I just hugged them a little bit tighter and said a prayer for them . That is when the grandparents showed up . I went over to Jake and asked him what happened . Jake said " I dropped the girls off and Nikki called me screaming , so I came over here . The uncle was in the chair , but looked dead . I got him on the floor . Nikki had called 911 from the house phone and was arguing with the operator . I started cpr , but it was to late , and that is when the fire trucks showed up . " I walked over to Nikki and said " Baby girl you did the right thing at the right time . You called 911 and then called us . I am proud of you " . Then she started crying . The police show up and start to question everyone . I am still walking around giving hugs and trying to be of some help . Brennas mom calls me and I told her that Brenna could spend the weekend with us and that I would take Brennas sister over to a friend house . I also told her that the girls did great and that they exactly what they should have done , and that she should be proud of them . Nikki calls me and tells me that Brenna and her boyfriend want to come by . I was not happy , but I thought it would help the girls . OH Nikki and Brenna are dating brothers ! Anyway , little did I know that they were going to be staying for a while . Now I am not only tired , but mentally drained . The house is still a mess because there is gear everywhere and 13 people are living here . Now the boyfriend and their mom is coming over ? I so do not feel like entertaining anyone ! oh to top it all of they stayed for dinner ! When the mail man came there was a package addressed to me from Jake 's mom . I opened it and was expecting it to actually be for Jake , no it was for me ! I was so shocked . She sent me some candy , and some tea and this really cool mug that was made in her home town . That did give me a boost . The best part of it is . Jakes mom stuck a note in there thanking me for taking care of her son . She so did not have to do that ! So Amber is catching up on sleep and Ryan is playing in his room . Everyone else is shooting . I once again am stuck at home while everyone else is having fun . I guess I better get use to it . Oh Amber made $ 185 . She is a little dissapointed because she needed to make $ 250 . Oh well she tried and I will give her credit for that ! I just got back . I had to go over to Nikkis friend house . Nikki and her friend were suppose to stay at the friends house for the weekend , but when they walked into the house the the friends uncle dead . I know that I have faith , because I often take leaps and some how everything works out . Today we all took the dogs down to the lake . It was so funny to watch butter try to swim . I thought that all dogs could swim , but he was not doing a very good job of it ! Rascle on the other hand just ran right in the water and started swimming . Rascle has been to the lake before , so I am not sure if Butter has ever been swimming before . Anyway , both of the puppies are so worn out ! I just showed Amber all of the nice comments that I have gotten from everyone . . . . when everyone came home . She said that I should show all of the marines . I have showed them a few of my blogs , but for the most part not many people here my journal . My house does smell like ass . I noticed the smell a few days ago and then it hit me . That is the smell of everyone 's gear . I will put up with the smell . There has not been to much going on around here . Just a lot of talking and catching up . Today we going down to the lake , and I am thinking about taking the dogs , so they can play in the water . Sam , Ambers boy friend , is spending a few days with us . So last night the marines said that they would make sure Sam slept with them ! Poor Sam , he just can 't catch a break . Right now in my house there is a bond going on that I will never understand . There are a group of Marines standing around the back yard laughing and telling war stories . I will never be able to be involved in their conversations . I will never be able to say , I remember when . I will never know the bond that the marines share . I will forever only be able to look in and wonder what it is like to have that bond . Sometimes I feel that I am on the outside looking in . Yesterday our friend Beth came home . A marine named Manny went up to March Air Reserve Base with us . Manny told me that he had never been on the welcoming end of the troops coming home , and that he thought it was nice . Then we got down to Pendleton Manny got to watch us storm past some marines and run up to Beth . Beth brought a friend back to our place and his name is Chris . On the way home Chris said " Thank you for allowing me to go back to your place . That is really nice of you " . I just looked over at Manny and said " Now you know why we do what we do " . Manny just smiled . Today our Friends Jake and C . J . came in . They came into a different base so we were not not able to greet them as the left the air station , however we were there waiting on them to get off the buses . As soon as I saw Jake I just screamed his name and ran to him . I actually jumped on him ! Then we went to look for C . J . and we finally found him . My home is such a mess . I have gear everywhere , but that is o . k . I would rather see my house a mess then to not have our friends home . Kevin called and said that he some people were coming up and wanted to know if we wanted to go to a car show . So we loaded up the children and headed off to the car show . It was such a nice day , and I enjoyed walking around in the sun . I took Amber around to drop off flyers and she got so much stuff for her yard sale ! So in two weekends she will be having another yard sale . I am so proud of my children for getting out there and doing the work . Then last night us adults went down to the vfw for a fish fry . I saw a lot of people that I had not seen in a while and it was good to see them . Kevin was talking with a guy and this guy was asking Kevin about his service in Iraq . Then the guy sticks his hand and shakes Kevins hand and says " thank you for your service to our country " . Kevin said that it was a very strange moment for him , because he never knows what to say when someone does say thank you . Oh ! I got a new shower curtain for the children 's bathroom yesterday . It is white with some pink flowers on it . Nikki comes out and says " our bathroom is like crapping in a large marshmallow , everything in there is white ! " I just had to laugh . I am so not looking forward to the time change . Ryan does not do good with any type of change , and the time change just throws him off . I guess it is part of life that I will have to deal with . I am having such a good day ! When I got up this morning Rusty told me that he had gotten an e mail from one of our friends and that she will be home on Monday . Then I checked my e mail and another friend that he and another guy will be home on Monday ! So it looks like everyone is coming home on the same flight ! I know that things could change , but I am going to enjoy this moment . I went to work with Rusty this morning . He said that he needed my help , so I went . Rusty did not really need my help , he could have done the job by himself . I think that he just wanted to spend some time with me . That is cool . I did enjoy our time together . Tonight Nikki is going to see the Ducks play Hockey . I have never seen a professional hockey game , and this will be Nikkis first game . I do hope that she likes it , but if she does not like it at least she can say that she has seen it . So check it out . It is huge ! It will be in San Diego until the end of 07 and then it will move onto another city . I so want to go see this ! I do not have to much planned for tonight . Nikki will need to be picked up 11 , but other then that I just have no idea what I am going to do . I might get a jump start on the cleaning that I wanted to get done tomorrow , or maybe I will just do nothing . Oh how I wish the luck of the Irish would have fallen on me today ! I got a call from one of our friends today . He is STILL in Iraq . His unit got bumped so they wont be home until some time next week ! I so hate that ! Rusty and I are going to Vegas next weekend . He has to work the gun show . So I am going to go with him . I think that one of our friends is going to go with us , so that way I will have someone to hang out with all day while Rusty is working . Kevin 's cousin came out here for a visit , so they are staying here . I do not mind having the extra people here . I was happy to have the company today ! I also got a box from my mom and inside the box was a picture of my dad holding me when I was about 4 days old . I just want to cry . I so miss my dad . One of these I am sure that I will be able to look at the picture and not cry , but I have not reached that point yet . I for got to mention that the people I work for took me out back to show me a humming bird nest . There were even two little birds in the nest . I thought that was so cool ! I have never seen a humming bird nest before . I can now add that to my list of new things for this year , Our friend Kevin has been here all day , so it has been nice to be able to sit and visit with him . Kevin was also kind enough to clean the kitchen for me ! LOL So Rusty thinks that Nikki 's boyfriend looks like howdy doody , so we had to come up with a name for Amber boyfriend . I said that he looks like Charles manson . So Amber goes and looks up Charles Manson , and then comes back and tells me that her boyfriend does not look like Charles Manson ! I swear sometimes Amber does not have a sense of humor . I have three days left until the rest of my boys come home ! I am just so happy . I am also trying to get as much house work and other little things done , so that when they do come home I can spend all my time with them . I just can 't wait to hold them in my arm . I just them home ! Here is a scary thought , one of the guys that is coming back is only 18 and he is already a veteran ! I guess he a new face of what veterans look like . I am just so warn out , yet I cannot even take a shower and relax ! Pout Pout ! I am not sure Amber will need a ride home from work or if Nikki will need a ride home from Drama practice . So I was sitting here looking at this mess that we call and desk , and I lost it . Rusty keeps telling me not to touch anything . I am just so Freakin sick of seeing this mess ! So I figured if it has two inches of dust on it then it is out of here ! I am so sick of seeing stack of stuff with dust on it . Am I the only one who has a husband that can throw nothing away , but can manage to stack everything up so high that it falls ? Anyway , the desk is starting to look a little better . So here are just a few items that I found so far . A chop stick . Not a pair of chop sticks but just one ! Is Rusty on some diet that I know nothing about ? I found Ambers saving pass book , that she has been looking for . I found Nikkis tickets from her mission trip last year . Oh Lord help me as I finish to sort through this desk ! Work went well today and the people that I am working for are very nice . I am glad that they are not stuffy people ! I must say that I could not figure out what was wrong with their house , then it hit me . They have no pictures of their children or of anyone anywhere . I think that is strange because I have pictures everywhere ! I just love having my walls covered with pictures of our family . Oh well to each their own . I have been noticing a trend among the journals . Well here is my low fat nachoes . ( is that how you spell it ) Oh and we had this for dinner tonight . I brown a pound of ground turkey , and drain off the fat . Then I add about 3 / 4 of a cup of cooked brown rice and the taco seasonings . I follow the directions on the back of the package of taco seasoning . Tortilla chips are fat free ! Then i use low fat Cheddar cheese to top it all off . The children just gobble this dish up . The brown rice is not only very low fat , but it also helps me to stretch this meal a little bit further . I know that is cheap . I do not see myself getting out of bed to early tomorrow . I know that I should because there are still a million things to do around here , But I think I am just going to sleep until my body is not tired anymore . This desk is so gross . This deskon the top of my list of things to finish cleaning in the morning ! I have started a grass roots movement ! The last time I had to drag people up to March to welcome home the troops , now I have people calling me asking me what time they need to be there on Saturday ! One of our friends even said that he was going to come back to our house , and that he would get dinner started for our friends . That way when they get home they will have dinner waiting for them . I am just glad that more people want to go welcome home the troops . Rusty is going to get a break at work . He has been working so much and he asked his boss if he could hire someone to work 3 days a week . Finally yesterday Rusty got the go ahead to hire someone . So now Rusty 's work load will not be as bad . I am so glad . I just hate seeing him busting his ass 24 / 7 . I think next month that I am going to go buy myself some new clothes for summer . I have not had new clothes in a very long time , so now it is my turn ! I must admit that I do hate shopping for clothes . I have a very hard time finding stuff that will fit me , so I end up trying on 5 pair of shorts before I find 1 pair that will fit . I would like to know who is making these clothes . I am a real women and yes I do have curves ! O . K . let me explain juicing ! LOL For me it is not a diet , but a way of life . My juicer broke a while back and now I have a new one , so I am back to it . My hubby says it is just one more of my hippy things . I bought a juicer from wal crap . There is no need to buy an expensive one , the cheap ones work just fine ! Today I went and bought my fruit and vegi 's for the week . I try to buy what is on sale because that means that I will get something new every week . This week I will be having apple , tomatoes , green peppers , cauliflower , and broccoli . I do need to try to find another fruit , but I will do that tomorrow . Anyway , I will try to use equal parts of everything . I run everything through the juicer . I try to make about a cup and a half of juice . Because it is still has to much pulp for me I stain the juice as I am pouring it into the cup . I then add a scoop of soy protein powder and mix well . Then I add a straw and drink ! I do this in the mornings and it really gets me off to a good start . Don 't get me wrong , I still have my coffee ! If you type into your search engine the benefits of juicing , you will find so many articles that you will be amazed . Here is the place where I order my protein powder from . www . nelsonenterprises . wwdb . biz Yes , that is our web page . They sell all of the hippy stuff that I like . Everything from organic laundry soap to our protein powder . I am not trying to plug our store . Anyway if you type in protein powder the stuff I use should come up . So anyway . Today was so nice here . It was almost 90 degrees ! I just love warm weather . Tomorrow I have to go work , and then the rest of the week is mine ! I think I am going to wash all of the cars . It will give me an excuse to be in the sun and I can do something productive ! I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go !
My name was Mike Grant , and I say was , because it 's different now . I have two years of college and I 'm taking classes at night to finish with a degree in Business . In order to support my school expenses and have some spending money , I found a job working in an office as sort of a glorified office boy . I 'm 5 ′ 7 ″ tall with soft brown hair and blue eyes and I have never weighed more than 140 in my entire life . Valerie Hooper , the woman I report to is in charge of the office , and also prepares parties for Christmas and so on . Valerie is about 50 , married , with two sons and a husband . For Halloween she wanted everyone to come to work in costume , fully expecting a lot of monsters or ghosts . When I told her I wanted to do something different but had no idea of what , or who , to come as , she smiled and told me that I could easily come as Diane Benson , the actress , when she was my age ! " You have the same facial structure she does , and with the right makeup you could be her twin Mike . Think about it and let me know . That night I told my mother what Valerie had suggested , and to my surprise she agreed ! " I can help you if you like Mike . Your sister still has a lot of her clothes here so that would not be a problem . Besides , it could be a lot of fun ! " I told her that I would think about it . For years I was lonely , depressed , angry at myself , the world , and the gods that made me this way . I knew I was smart and had a good job , but at age 20 , I was still driven by urges I never had any control over , no matter how hard I tried . I often felt the urge to dress as a girl , but each time I did , and then looked in the mirror , I saw a clown instead of the woman I wanted to be . Including my makeup , I was merely a parody of the woman in my dreams . My frustration at my inability to achieve any semblance of the woman I felt I wanted to become had driven me into silent secrecy when I did try to dress up . That night , in my robe , I munched snacks as the television played in a muted tone . The young women on the screen were a constant reminder of what I wanted to be able to look like , and equally , my inability to either conquer my desires , or forget it , or become the woman I had so many dreams about . In my heart I knew I was going to do it , because even though I had secretly tried on my sister 's clothes many times when I was growing up , and always felt like a clown , this time I would have my mother to help me . My mother 's tacit approval lifted the veil of frustration and I felt as if I was soaring . I knew , in my heart , that this time , I would look good . Since Claire was just a year older than I was , most of her clothes fit me pretty well , and I was sure that with some help , I could look pretty nice . My biggest concern was how everyone in the office would react to me dressed as a girl . The next morning , when I told mom about my concerns , she told me that in her mind , the best way , if I was going to do it , would for me to be perfect . Since I didn 't want to come off as a clown or one of those freak of the week people , I agreed . " I 'll get a few things today and we can see how you do tomorrow . If you like it then you can stay dressed as a girl until Monday . " Someone once said that tears are merely a reflection of the soul , whether its fear , joy , or sadness . All those years of hiding , frustration , fear , and secrOn Saturday morning right after breakfast mom told me to go to my room . I have everything you 'll need . I 'll just show you how to use it and you can take it from there . " As far as my mother was concerned it was a done deal , and that combined with my natural desires made it easy for me to stay silent in my agreement . Mom gave me the stuff , which I recognized as a popular hair removal cream . As soon as she left the room I stripped and quickly had a coat of the cream all over me , from the eyebrows down . After a shower and a close shave I stepped out and patted myself dry . I had never yet shaved my body or used hair removal cream before , and I was surprised at just how smooth my skin felt . My beard , while not what you would call light , was a light color and only moderate in growth , and after I shaved I had nice soft skin . With the towel wrapped around me I went into Claire 's bedroom and closed the door , hesitating for just a moment because I was pretty sure that as soon as I was dressed and stepped out of the room I was not going to want to quit . Ignoring that thought I forged ahead , opened her dresser and selected a pair of lavender colored cotton panties and slipped them on . When Claire was younger she had a shape like a pencil and used a padded pantybrief and some breastforms to give her some shape . I had found them while I was in her room dressing once , and made sure I left them right where I found them . I slipped on the pantybrief , adjusting the pads to suit me . The pantyhose went on easily , but the nylon against my now naked skin was like an electric shock as I slid them on . I went to the vanity and sat down facing the huge mirror . Makeup was the only thing I had managed to almost master simply because that was all I could do on so many occasions . I applied the foundation using a powder to set it , brushing away the excess as soon as it dried , leaving my skin looking soft and smooth . On my eyes I used a mint green with copper and gray highlights with deep black eyeliner both over and under my eyes . A bit of rose blusher on my cheekbones and black mascara on my lashes . My naturally curly hair was thick , and as it was drying the ends started to curl , so with a brush I was able to create a modest if messy pageboy that framed my face . The curly ends added just the right touch to the style . I didn 't even need a curling iron . I heard mom knock on the door , and when she came in the room and saw me , she told me that my makeup was fine . " Let me help you with your nails . " I opened the small drawer and pulled out the box of fake nails . Using the glue in the box mom attached one to each of my nails and filed them into an oval shape with rounded tips . The polish I selected was one shade up from pink . It took a while for the polish to dry , and while I waited I stood in front of the closet and tried to select what I was going to wear for my first public debut . As soon as my nails were dry I slipped my arms into the lavender bra and settled it in front after I fastened the single front hook . The breastforms were flesh colored , filled with silicone to a small ' B ' cup , which was perfect on my frame . The waist nipper was beige with eleven hooks and a zipper , and once I had it on it made my waist a trim 25 inches . Unable to decide on what to wear , mom picked out a light blue floral summer dress for me to wear . She said it would ' go with ' my bra and panties . I wore off white sandals and a matching blue jacket . Mom redid my hair a bit and it seemed to flow around my face . I looked in the mirror and was floored ! The reflection in the mirror I saw that I did look like Diane Benson in a way and I stood before the mirror in a dream like state looking at the girl standing there . I loved the image I was seeing . The girl that I had only dreamed of stood in front of me , not perfect of course , but I did not feel like a clown this time . The image I saw in the mirror burst all of the illusions I had about my maleness ! Inside , in that private place we all have , I knew that I would never again be happy again unless I was able to become this young woman more than once in a while . The girl , me , was looking back from the mirror , and like my sister , she is stunning . Her large blue eyes with their long lashes look deeply into me . She has wide , pouty lips highlighted by sensual reddish pink lipstick . Her soft brown hair falls a few inches above her shoulders , styled with bangs , gently brushed without a single hair out of place . White button earrings and a thin white necklace merely enhance the simple blue dress . The simplicity of the dress draws my eyes to my face . Without any fanfare at all I turned to face my mother , and when she looked up I heard her gasp . " Damn ! " Mom stood up and had me turn around for her . " If I did not know it was you I never would have guessed that there was a boy under that dress ! " " Thank you mother . " I sat down facing her , my knees firmly locked together and my hands in my lap . " I can see that you know how to do makeup and get dressed , but how are you in public ? " " I 've never been out of the house mother . " " Then it 's time that you experience things all women enjoyÉ like shopping , having your nails done and your hair styled . " " Like this ! " " Of course dear ! How else ? " " ButÉbutÉ " I started to sound like a car that needed a tune up , but mother had made up her mind ! " Michael , you and I both know that you want to go out and make people think that you are really a girl , don 't we ? Lets stop pretending that you are so attached to your macho self and admit that you love being a girl . " Why did she always know ? Are all mothers able to read their children 's mind like this ? Without waiting for an answer she said , " Get a purse and put your wallet and some lipstick in it and I 'll get cleaned up a bit before we go . " As I waited for her to get ready I knew that mother was right . I no longer had any reason to use excuses or delaying tactics . The time had come ; I had to step outside wearing women 's clothes . I had to , and wanted to , act enough like a real girl to convince everyone that would see me that I really was a girl . I had to " You would have done this sooner or later anyway Diane . If I help guide you then you 'll have an easier time of it and I get to have another daughter who is a lady to her core . " She glanced at me and saw the worry on my face . " Diane , you are a boy , that 's true . But only on the outside I think . Inside , where it counts the most I think you 're a girl . That wasn 't clear to me until I saw you for the first time this morning , then it was obvious , to both of us I think . Am I right ? " It was my moment of truth , and without even thinking about it I nodded my head yes . " I don 't think that you feel you 're much different from any other girl at this moment Diane . I know that you want people to think you 're a girl , and you want them to treat you like a girl , so we 'll have to make them think you 're a girl , won 't we ? " Again , I nodded my head yes , but this time I knew I had a smile on my face . " You 'll need panties and bras of your own Diane , so why don 't we start there . " It was a statement of course . We both knew I would do whatever she wanted . I walked right beside my mother , keeping step with her , noticing how she held her hands and like her shadow , I began doing the same things . In the lingerie department we bought a dozen panties and three new bras before we moved to the junior department where I tried on several skirts and dresses which we bought along with two suits . In the shoe department I tried on shoes and found that Claire and I wore the same size , so I only bought a pair of beige flats . " Let 's put the packages in the car Diane , and then we can have some lunch before your appointment at the salon . " " My appointment ? " " While you were in trying on that nice pink suit I asked the girl to call ahead and get you an appointment . You do want to look your best on Monday don 't you ? " " But I thought I was going to do this on the weekends for three weeks before I went to work as a girl ! " Mom was pushing me to see how far I would go , so in a fit of bravery , I one upped her toAfter lunch we walked to the salon in the mall and a woman named Betty took me to a chair . " This is Debbie , she 'll be your stylist . " I looked at her and smiled . After some discussion about what I wanted , Debbie concluded that I didn 't have a clue , and she simply told me that she would do a ' modest ' amount of work on my hair before she started on me . I simply let her do her work with a minimum of chatter . When I had to move to the dryer another girl came over and started in on my nails , removing the ones I had put on that morning then made them slightly longer and used a light red polish on them . While she was doing my nails another girl pierced my ears and added small gold hoops ! When Debbie was done and I looked in the mirror I was stunned at just how much a simple hairstyle can make a person change . My once soft brown hair was now blond , done in soft waves on top that terminated in sharp curls behind my head . My hair was just below my ears , brushed out to frame my face with bangs that were swept to one side . In my ears sat small gold hoops . I looked so different that it was hard not to keep looking in the mirror ! Mom and I drove home and at mom 's urging I moved into Claire 's bedroom . I put the clothes away and started to move things from my old room to the new one , moving some of Claire 's things , like underwear , to my old room . Later that night I went on line and found a site I had visited before . They sold things to help make men look like women , even if they were naked . I had visited this site many times in the past but had not yet bought anything . I saw that they had improved everything , so I used the on line ordering system to buy a few things I knew that I would need . I did not tell my mother . That night we watched television , mom in her flannels , me in a nightgown and robe set that was not much more than a diaphanous swirl of light blue The next morning I got up , brushed my hair , did my makeup and dressed in a skirt and blouse before I went to the kitchen and started the coffee . Mom came in shortly , and as we had our breakfast , she asked me what I had in mind for the day . " I have a few things I want to do on the computer , but I would like a picture of me first . " " I 'll get the camera ! " Mom snapped the picture as I stood in front of a blank wall , handing it to me when it popped out of the camera . I took the picture and in my room I scanned it into the computer so I could clean it up a little . Then I scanned in my college ID , drivers license , and work ID . With the software it was easy to cut my old picture and paste the new one in its place . Changing the name was harder because I had to match the font , which was different on all of the items . When I was done , I printed out one of each on my printer , in full color , and other than the picture and name , I had exact copies of each piece of my ID . My name on each was Diane Michelle Grant . My dad had used a laminating machine quite often , and it was still in his office , so I went in and laminated each one . I was so elated at being able to dress as a woman that almost could not stand it . I fixed up a wallet that I had found in Claire 's room with all of my new ID , moved my pictures , credit cards , and money to the new wallet and put it in the purse . My image in the mirror kept my attention , which was narcissistic I suppose , but I loved the way I looked and did not want to give up being a girl any sooner than I had to . At three that afternoon the things I had ordered arrived . Their ad was correct ! Next day delivery ! Mom signed for them , and as soon as I saw her she gave them to me . " What is this ? " " I 'll show you in a little while mother . Right now I have to examine them to make sure everything arrived undamaged . " Of course nothing was damaged . It 's hard to damage latex just by shipping it . I eagerly opened the package , and right on top was the panty with the artificial vagina . I set it aside and pulled out the box containing the breastforms . Each of the breasts was made so real looking that it was scary ! I eagerly stripped my blouse and bra off , read the instruction sheet carefully , and using the enclosed adhesive , attached them to my chest . As soon as I smoothed out the seams they seemed to become one with me as only the almost invisible seam remained . The vaginal panty was harder to put on , but again , following the instruction sheet , I managed to slip it on , removing all traces of my manhood . Naked , I looked in the mirror and saw a young girl from head to toe . In my reverie I failed to hear the door open ; when my mother gasped I turned to see her ashen face . Without a word she walked up to me and touched the breastforms , assuring herself they were fake I guess . She knew for a fact the vagina was a fake . " I see that you have become a girl after all ! Do you have to take that off toÉ " " No mother , but I have to sit just like any other female . " " Well , since you 're so much a girl now why don 't we go out tonight ? " Without waiting for an answer she told me to wear the same blue dress and walked out of the room . After shopping , and a trip to the salon I knew that I was not a clown at all . I was now able to present myself as a female and make people believe it , but mom had posed a challenge of a sort , so smiling I went into the bath and after washing the old makeup off , I shaved as close as possible . I was not yet able to make myself over into the various ' types ' girls , but I knew what I wanted to look like . I wanted silky soft skin , full , sexy lips framing a radiant smile , a gorgeous outfit , and perfect hair . I did not want to be a girl with a sweet childlike look , but instead I wanted to look pretty , like the proverbial girl next door grown up into a sexy woman . I went to the dresser and pulled out a corsolet and tossed it on the bed , then added black panties to the pile . I was going to wear black , not the same dress I wore earlier in the day . I found one I liked better . This one was also a sheath dress , but it had a plunging back with a low cut front and was a very hot mini dress . I had seen Claire wear it exactly once , for a dance she had gone to , and spectacular does not describe how she looked in it . I hoped I would look half as good ! Sitting at the vanity I did my makeup , and with the new cut , my hair seemed to fall in place with a minimum of fuss . I no longer needed the padded pantybrief and slipped the black panties on . The corsolet was a lot harder to get on than I imagined . It had eleven hooks up the front with a zipper over that , and laces up the back . I was unable to tighten the laces on my own so mom came in and did it for me . Once I was all cinched in , my ' breasts ' sat in the cups , the nipples barely held in . I pulled on the pantyhose and reached for the dress . The dress had a single strap that went around the back of my neck attached to the sweetheart neckline , fitted bodice and hip hugging skirt . I slipped it over my head and mom zipped it up for me . The hem of the dress was a good three inches above my knees while the bodice defined my now trim waist and my breasts were clearly displayed . Smiling I went to the jewelry box as mom left for her room . I found the black and gold chandelier earrings and attached them , then fastened the matching choker style necklace around my neck . On my left wrist I wore a thin gold bracelet , which was all the jewelry I wore that night . I did my lips in a deep red and spritzed myself with perfume . Looking in the mirror I knew without a doubt that this is what I wanted . I could not simply give her up now that I had been allowed to find her , and I made up my mind right then . Diane was going to stay no matter what . Mom said nothing when she saw me , but I saw her smiling as she turned to get her purse , and I knew I had made a good impression on her . Dinner was at a new place by the river , and as we dined mom and I talked about the transformation that had come over me in just a few days . It was my turn to tell her the truth . " Mom , I 've always felt this way , I just never had the chance or the nerve to tell you about it . When Valerie suggested it I was afraid to tell you . When I did , I was sure that you would be angry at me . But now I know that I have to dress this way , all of the time , even at work . I have to become Diane all of the time or I think I will bust ! " Mom reached out and took my hand in hers , and told me she knew that the first time she saw me . " If that 's what you want , then I 'll support you of course , but you have a lot of catching up to do if you want to be a real lady . Starting now , I 'll teach you all you have to know to become a woman . " I spent all day Sunday getting ready for my debut at work , which made mom just shake her head . " You don 't have to do anything special Diane , you look very nice right now ! " But my concern manifested itself in an obsession to be better than just okay . I used the hair cream again then shaved every inch of my body that I could reach until my skin was as silky smooth as any woman . I washed and cleaned the vaginal panty and breastforms before I put them back on . This time , rather than rely on pressure to hold the panty in place , I used glue to secure the seams in the crack of my butt . The breastforms were pert with no sag , and made me feel very feminine once I had them secured to my chest . Somehow they felt natural , like I should have had them all along , and I could not , or did not , want to visualize myself without them . Mom had given me an aloe based skin lotion , which I rubbed in all over , making my skin softer to the touch and smelling of flowers . I slipped on some panties and a bra then some shorts and a tee top and began to select my wardrobe for the next day . In my heart I knew that the only thing I was going to wear was the new pink suit mom and I had bought on my very first outing as a girl . It had a straight skirt that was above the knee a little , and a fitted jacket with no lapels . Both were lined , which meant that I didn 't need to wear a slip with it . For a blouse I selected a thin gray pullover blouse that had a single button at the neck , in the back . The blouse was mom 's but because of the vagaries of women 's sizes it fit me perfectly , and I wore a size 12 to her 10 . Claire had a pair of gray shoes that I borrowed , size 8 by the way , and in my mothers jewelry box I found pearl earrings and necklace set . I already had a gold watch and two rings . Once I had everything ready , I relaxed and made a late lunch . With the vaginal panty it looked as if I had rounded hips and a natural taper in the front , just like all women did . Mom even commented on it once . " You might want to call Valerie and tell her how you 'll be dressed in the morning Diane . I 'm sure she won 't mind , and at least she 'll be prepared when she sees just how pretty you are . " That made sense , and right after lunch I called Val and told her that I would be dressed as a woman when I showed up for work . Her only comment was that she would look forward to it ! I spent the night in curlers , getting up early to do my hair and makeup . As I slipped the panties on and saw the cleft in the front a feeling of calmness came over me and I relaxed and got dressed . A soft , lace trimmed demicup bra in white , nude pantyhose , and a white waist nipper . I pulled the skirt on , then the blouse , stepped into the shoes and pushed the earrings into the small holes in my ears . I pulled the jacket on and used a soft reddish pink lipstick to outline my mouth , added perfume , the necklace , watch , rings , and bracelet . Looking in the mirror I could see no trace of the man I was just a few days ago . Once unleashed , Diane had taken over and consumed me , and now , I was Diane Michelle Grant , inside and out . My purse was filled with my wallet , lipstick , tissue , and car keys . Drawing in a breath I left the house for the biggest event in my life . Whatever happened today , a spectacular success or a colossal flop , everyone would know that I wanted to dress and work as a woman , and there would be no going back . Strangely , the fear that had consumed me before did not cross my mind as I drove into the parking lot . I locked the car and walked to the door , showed Walter , the guard my phony ID and walked in . It was no longer a maybe , and I walked into the office and straight to my desk , and the first thing I saw was the nameplate . ' Diane M . Grant ' etched in white on a blue background sitting on my desk ! I stashed my purse in my desk and went to get a coffee , returning just as Valerie walked in . She took one look at me and broke out in a huge smile . " I was right ! You look spectacular Diane ! " She went to get a coffee , returning to my desk quickly . " I 'll introduce you around today Diane . The way you look , nobody will believe it if we told them who you really are , so I 'll let them assume you are a new hire and we can go from there okay ? " It really was the best way , so I agreed . As I was introduced around the office I saw a lot of different looks that I had never seen before . From the men it was mostDuring the morning I settled in and finally relaxed as I discovered that everyone accepted me for what I appeared to be ; a woman , about 20 years old or so . At lunch Kelly and Beth asked me to join them , and we sat together at one table . I got an earful as they discussed the single men that worked in the office , in graphic terms , and some of the older women who they thought were ready for the retirement farm . It was a very educational lunch ! For my part I paid close attention to what the other girls wore and so on . My new ID card arrived at two , just as I had my first phone call . In person mom and Valerie both told me that I looked like the actress I had taken my name from , but I sounded like Kathleen Turner . On the phone I had no idea how I would sound , so I was relieved when the male caller addressed me as a woman . That night I collapsed on the couch from the stress mom said . After that it got easier each day , and at the end of a month it was as if I was a natural born female . I hated shaving close every day because my face became sore and very tender . That 's when I saw an ad in the paper , showed mom , and she agreed . I made an appointment by phone , and that Saturday morning at eight I was at the clinic . I was shown in to see the doctor , and was surprised to see it was a woman . I had to tell her my true status of course , which was hard because by now I did not look like a male in any way . She sat there quietly while I told her all about myself and the dilemma I found myself in . When I was done I fully expected her to toss me out , but all she did was ask me some medical questions , my medical history and so on . Then she asked me if I would like to have my own breasts ! " Of course , but I 'm not taking any hormones , so that seems out of the question right now . " " Maybe not Diane . " When she told me how she could do it , that day , I was all smiles and agreed to it right then . I was out for the entire procedure , but essentially , she used a laser to remove my entire beard , then Liposuction to draw fat from my waist and used it to make breasts , the same size as my fake ones . When I awoke I was sore , but not bad , and I had a few small stitches . But I also had a 23 inch waist and two perfectly formed , completely natural breasts . I was in heaven as I got dressed and then drove home . Mom knew I was going to have my beard removed , and when she saw my slightly swollen face she started clucking like a mother hen and immediately wanted me in bed . I was just too sore to argue with her and let her help me get undressed . When I removed my bra and she saw me , a common occurrence in our house , she saw my brand new boobs and narrow waist for the first time . " Those are real ! " " Yes , they are ! Aren 't they nice ? " Then I explained how the doctor did it . Mom helped me get a nightgown on and I went to bed , staying there until late the next morning . In the shower I felt my new breasts , washed the stitches in my navel carefully and wearing just panties I slipped on a top and a skirt , which fit a lot better now that I had a smaller waist . During the next week I became used to having sensation in my breasts , and loved every minute of it . On Friday Valerie invited Kelly and I to her home for a barbecue on Saturday afternoon . She failed to mention that both of her sons would be there . I picked out a tan floral summer dress , and wore tan sandals with a thin , short sleeved jacket . My hair , now trimmed , flowed around my face like a halo . I had a small brown leather purse to complete the outfit . I examined myself in the mirror . My hair was longer now , cut and styled in a more business like way , but still casual . My shoulders , accented by the short sleeves of the jacket , were trimmed with brown piping . The top of the dress did not have a deep neckline , but it was low enough to allow a hint of my cleavage , and that was accented by delicate gold locket suspended from my neck . I wore a minimum of makeup , just a hint of eyeshadow , a soft red lipstick and my best perfume . As soon as I arrived at Valerie 's her youngest son , Mike greeted me and showed me to the patio . Unlike Valerie , who was my size , Mike was huge ! He stood at least 6 ' 3 ″ tall ! I had to look up to see his face ! Kelly was already there , sitting with Douglas , Valerie 's other son . He was also quite tall . Both of her sons had dark hair , Mike with green eyes and Douglas with blue . Her husband was not as tall as his sons , but he had the same build . He was wide , with a barrel chest , and dark hair . It was immediately obvious that Valerie had arranged this little party so Kelly and I could meet her sons ! While I had been living and working as a woman for almost four months now , I had never had a date nor had I ever looked at a man like a woman would . I had known that sooner or later some man would hit on me , and now , it seemed , was the time . Mike almost , but not quite , doted on me , and I often saw his gaze drift to the top of my dress ; I knew he was not admiring the material my dress was made of ! When I looked up at him I could see that atypical look of male superiority on his face . I felt so feminine right then , and it was a wonderful new feeling . I now knew what my mother had told me about men was true . They had a magnetic appeal to women that simply could not be denied . I knew that there could be a lot of joy to be had in being so attractive to a man , and the thought of being Mike 's new girl friend ran through my mind . I was flattered that he thought I was pretty enough to make him come to me , yet in the back of my mind I wondered why I felt this way . Until I had started to dress as a woman I had never had a sexual thought about another male in my entire life ! Now I was thinking about Mike in ways I had never dreamed of before . We sat at the table side by side eating , and even though I held up my end of the discussion , I was thinking about the way Mike had looked at me . Thinking of Mike , as my boy friend did not turn me off at all , instead it had just the opposite effect . I was a girl and I had a real live male c " My sons seem to be taken with you girls . " That was obvious , but it was Kelly who stated it . " Like you didn 't arrange this Valerie ! I 'm certainly not complaining mind you , Douglas is very nice . " They both looked at me , and all I could do was smile . Nobody said anything else , and we filled several pitchers and rejoined the men . Mike asked me to take a walk with him , and took my hand in his as we walked along the waters edge . We rounded the point and as soon as we were out of sight he spun me around , held me close , and kissed me . He was gentle but urgent as his tongue probed against my mouth and I opened so his tongue could enter me . I was unable to pull away , not because he was so big , but because I didn 't want to . He asked me out for the next night , and I agreed . By the time I got home I had become like a young girl in my anticipation of this date . I know mom saw it , and when I told her about it all she did was remind me what good girls did , and did not do . Big help she was ! I had chosen to wear a skirt that flared slightly at the hips with square cut pleats in a dark green . A simple white blouse , and black two inch heels . I added jewelry and perfume . My makeup was for evening , darker eyeshadow and a dark red lipstick this time . I was nervous as I waited for him to arrive , but when he did I calmed right down . He took me to dinner , and later , he drove to a secluded spot by the lake . As soon as he kissed me all of my mothers admonitions went out the window , especially when his hand found my breast . Every nerve ending was on edge as he manipulated me like a musical instrument , making my body play his tune . When he took my hand and placed it on his member I felt myself shudder , not in revulsion , but in lust . I wanted this man to take me , love me , make me love him back , and he did . Unbidden my hand began to stroke him and I felt the buttons of my blouse come undone and his hand found my naked breast while I unzipped his pants . He popped out all engorged and hard , throbbing in lust as my hand again found Mike called me every day at work and each night at home . Valerie told me he was so in love he could hardly stand it . Kelly asked me if I had slept with him yet , and when I did not give her an answer she assumed that I had . On Friday night Mike and I had a date , and I knew in my heart that I was going to have sex with him , so I packed a small bag to take along . Mom could hardly miss it , but this time all she told me was to be careful . " That vaginal panty is very good Diane but this can lead to disaster if your not very careful . " " I 'll be careful mom , but this is the last hurtle isn 't it ? I have to do this even if he finds out . " Later it turned out I was right , because right after dinner he drove us to his place . As soon as he had closed the door he was all over me , and I once again became like warm bread in his hands as he massaged my nipples with his fingers . I felt the zipper of the dress going down , and when it did I stepped out of it and tossed it aside . Mike watched as I removed my bra and tossed it aside as well . I reached out and began to unbutton his shirt , then his pants . He stepped out of his pants and just stood there . I ripped his briefs down in a single motion leaving him naked in front of me . I sat on his couch and removed my pantyhose and shoes , leaving my panties on as he grabbed my hand and took me to his bed . He found every single spot that turned me on and some I didn 't know I had . I wanted him to be mine and pushed him on his back . His erection stood tall and proud as I went to my knees , bent over , and kissed his member . It was not unpleasant , and when my mouth opened I took all I could in a single motion . His hands held my head as I bobbed up and down , until I felt him starting to tense up . I straddled him , and helped him find the opening in the vaginal panty . He slid in and I began to rock back and forth , watching his face the whole time . His eyes closed and he was moving his head , but his hands remained firmly on my breasts as I pumped him . I was now in charge of this man and IHe grew hard once again and once again my mouth found him . This time I wanted to taste him , and did not move as he swelled and released his seed into me . I spent the night with his arm around me firmly cupping a breast with his hand . I woke before he did , dressed in the skirt and blouse I had brought along , brushed my hair into a ponytail , and started the coffee . It was a very domestic scene for sure as he woke up and saw me . Naked , he went in and took a shower , returning in shorts and a tee . I put both of my hands on the cheeks of his butt , and tried to keep him from moving to far away . I wasn 't surprised to find that he was rock hard once again . I genuinely hoped it would not be too long before he wanted to take me out on a date . Then Mike kissed me again . " Eat your breakfast Michael , you 'll need your strength for later . " I know it was coquettish of me to tease him , but I simply could not resist . After breakfast he helped me wash the dishes , and then his hands found my breasts again . He had the stamina of a bull and it was another two hours before he took me home . Valerie was there talking to mother when he dropped me off . " By the look on your face I would say that Mike is a very happy man this morning ! " " A polite woman never talks about her conquests Valerie , even if it is the bosses son ! " " He 's going to ask you to marry him Diane , probably this week . " " Diane , I think it 's time that you told him about yourself , and made arrangements to make yourself into a woman , don 't you ? " Mom was right , Mike deserved more than a lie . " Okay mom , but maybe you and Valerie could be here when I tell him . " They looked at each other and nodded their heads yes . " We 'll be by tomorrow Diane , around six . " The next day was hell as I wondered how I would tell Mike about myself , and Valerie was no help either . All she said was that Mike and I would have to find a way to overcome this minor obstacle . After dinner mom and I did the dishes and I sat , waiting for Mike and Valerie to arrive . Promptly at six the doorbell rang and I admitted them into the house . " Mom says that you have something serious to tell me Diane , what is it ? Valerie and mother had mysteriously disappeared , leaving me alone with Mike . Direct is usually the best approach , so I drew in a breath and told him . " Mike , I 'm not a female , but I love you and want to be your girl , and hopefully , your wife . " " What do you mean your not a girl ? You and I slept together , and I think I would know a girl when I saw one , especially when she is naked ! " " I 'm sure that 's true Mike , but none the less , I am not a female . I will be shortly , but not now , right this minute . I wear a special kind of panty that lets me have the look and feel of a woman Mike . These are my boobs of course , but the rest is all latex . " By the look on his face I was sure he was going to hurt me and started to back up . " I 'm angry that you weren 't honest right up front Diane ! You tricked me , and that is wrong ! " " Yes I tricked you Michael ! What would you have said if I told you , " hey fool , I 'm a man just like you ! " You would have dropped me like a hot rock and you know it ! But it wasn 't deceit on my part so much as my desire to be your woman , or your lusting after me , panting every time you looked at me . No Michael , this goes both ways . I love you , I really do , and I will make you a fine wife if you let me . I just need time toÉ become that woman you want me to be ! " By then I had tears running down my cheeks and ran out of the room straight into my mother 's arms . " He hates me mother ! " My tears ran down my cheeks because I was ashamed of what I had done . I was not a woman , I was a pile of latex trying to be what I was not . I tried to tear myself away but I felt Mike 's hand on my arm and in a rush of emotion I fell into his arms . " Oh Michael , what are we going to do ? " he said nothing as he picked me up like I was a feather , and carried me to my room , slamming the door behind us . " We , " he said very forcefully , " are going to make love again and then we are going to talk about this problem we have . " Then he unbuttoned my blouse and began to undress me . I stood very still as he slowly ran his hands all over me , making me tremble in delight and lust . Then he stood there as I undressed him , ran my hands all over him until I reached his manhood when I began to stroke him . As he purred I slipped into bed and lay there , naked and smiling . He took me quickly but forcefully , and then later , slower and with a methodically slow tempo which drove me crazy . Unable to quiet his lust , I rolled over , got on my knees , put my head down and allowed him to take me . We were both panting when he completed and lay there for a moment . Then I got a warm washrag and cleaned him up so that I could use my talented tongue once again . He stayed in my room that night and we talked about the future . I told him how it all began and why , and in the end he asked me to marry him . " You have a year Diane , after that we get married ! " The he went back to being forceful again , but I said yes and that night I slept like a baby .
March 1 , 2017Behind the scenesugarrda When I was a high school drama nerd , a friend of mine asked if I could run the light board for a dinner theatre cabaret show . I went to a rehearsal and took a look at the board , a big old Frankenstein - style killer dimmer panel with giant levers to shove up and down . I signed up immediately , and sat down with the lighting designer to create my cue sheets . It was in the days before non - drowsy antihistamines . I was awakening to the fact that I had allergies , and that I could not really take anything for them , particularly if I didn 't want to fall asleep while in class , while swimming , or while riding my bike . I knew it was important to stay awake during the performance , so I came prepared with a pocket full of Kleenex . My parents dutifully attended opening night . After the performance , I asked them how it looked . My mom said , " It was okay , not terrible . But there was this one magical moment ! When they did Surrey With the Fringe On Top , one of the horses had this wonderful , manic expression on his face . He was just so proud to be pulling such a beautiful carriage . It made my whole night ! " I didn 't want to tell her the real story . Randy , the actor playing the downstage horse , had looked into the wings and caught a glimpse of me running the light board , with a Kleenex jammed in each nostril . He had to bite his tongue to keep from breaking character and laughing out loud . February 3 , 2015Behind the scenes , Talk nerdy to meugarrda After I graduated from college , I spent some time working as a temp . I alternated between theatrical work and office work , one for fun and the other to pay the bills . One of my office assignments was at Hasbro Interactive in Beverly . The company has been out of business since 2001 , so I think it 's safe for me to share this story . I was covering for an executive assistant who was on vacation . I arrived a few minutes early , got my badge , and was introduced to the executive whose assistant was on vacation . He showed me to my desk and outlined my duties , to wit : if a fax came in , I was to make two photocopies . I would bring one copy to him , and put the other copy and the original into the file cabinet . I read toy catalogs until lunchtime . I ate a tuna sandwich in the employee cafeteria , admired the view out the window , then went back to my desk to re - read the toy catalogs . This is where I discovered Elefun . I may have fallen asleep at one point . Around 1 : 30 a fax came in . I was very grateful to have something to do . I took the fax and went to the photocopier , but it was displaying an error message : replace toner . I assured him I was perfectly capable of replacing a toner cartridge , but no , only the Xerox Guy was allowed to open the machine . Okay then . I called the number and left a message . The executive thought for a moment . " Actually , yes ! You can check the email account . If an email comes in , print it out and make two photocopies . Bring one copy to me , and file the other with the original . " I didn 't even try to explain all the different ways this was ridiculous . It 's their house ; I am just a guest . I launched the email app ( Groupwise , if I recall correctly ) and was prompted for a password . " Oh , right . Well , there 's something strange about our email system . No matter what you type for a password , it shows up as an asterisk . So everyone 's password is five asterisks . " I went back to the computer , trying desperately to keep my face neutral . I entered five asterisks and the email account opened up . There were no messages . January 28 , 2015Behind the scenesugarrda As I 've mentioned here before , my house is overwhelmed with clutter . I 've made some good progress , but there is still a long way to go . The level of disorganization usually hovers just under my threshold , but occasionally I need to find something that I know I have , and I get pushed over the line . In December , Nate 's school held a Cluster Cash auction . Parents were asked to donate items , and students could bid on them using the scrip money they earn by being well - behaved in class . I knew I had a $ 25 Barnes & Noble gift card , but the last place I saw it was on a piece of furniture that we retired three years ago . I tore the house apart looking for anything remotely shaped like a gift card , and I ended up with a four - inch - high stack of gift cards , loyalty cards , and stored - value cards . I did actually find the Barnes & Noble gift card too , but I set it down for a minute and it walked away . We ended up having to send in a different card for the auction . Some of the cards I unearthed were from a long time ago . The oldest one was a wedding gift from my first wedding : a Filene 's gift card . The last Filene 's was converted to a Macy 's in 2006 . I didn 't know how much the card was for , but I knew I would enjoy myself with it . First I called the Macy 's gift card customer service number . The rep told me I would have to take it in to a store . Last weekend , we went to the mall to use up as many of the gift cards as we could manage . Nate and I left Sandy at the Sephora counter and promised that she would be done before we were . We marched into Macy 's and I asked the nice lady at the makeup counter where I could find the customer service desk . She said there wasn 't really a customer service desk , and maybe she could help me . I showed her the card and she got very nostalgic : " Oh , I miss Filene 's ! " Then she sent me upstairs to the executive office . We got to the second floor and I asked the man at the perfume desk to direct me to the executive office . He asked if maybe he could help me . I showed him the card and his eyes got wide : here is a potential headache . The office is just through the towels department , have a nice day . We found the office and knocked on the door . A nice young lady looked at the card and got the same expression on her face as the man at the perfume counter . She said that she couldn 't do anything from the office . Any salesperson with a cash register can do a gift card exchange . They might have to call a manager . I went back to the perfume counter . The clerk called the number for a manager but there was no answer . He sent me back to the office and suggested that the woman in the office could page a manager . Fifteen - love , your serve . The woman in the office finally found a manager on the phone . She came in and asked us to have a seat in the waiting room . She took the gift card and said she would be right back . After about 15 minutes , when Nate had run out of Minecraft things to talk about , Sandy called . I gave her directions to the towel department . She could not understand why I was so happy . I tried to explain it , but I 'm afraid I didn 't do a very good job . When I was little , we used to go out for ice cream at Friendly 's . My father would always order the chocolate nut sundae . Invariably , they would bring him a hot fudge sundae and he would send it back . We would see all the waitresses clustered around the three - ring binder of ice cream recipes . My dad was the only one who ever ordered that sundae and no one knew how to make it . It was our family 's running joke . This was sort of the same thing . There was no way this gift card was still good . I got it in 2001 ; Massachusetts law was changed to say that gift cards can 't expire starting April 1 , 2003 . Whatever database held the stored value amount was probably in a landfill somewhere . But I was 100 % certain that there was a process for this exact situation , written down in a dusty Macy 's three - ring binder somewhere , and I was delighted just imagining the phone call that poor manager must be having . After 45 minutes , another manager came through the executive office waiting room . " Are you being helped ? " I explained the situation . Five minutes after that , the first manager came back , most apologetic , and handed me a Macy 's gift card for $ 100 . Amazingly , she was able to determine that the Filene 's card had $ 50 on it , and yes , it had almost certainly expired but they couldn 't tell for sure but then a fixture fell on a customer 's foot and the customer 's father was very angry and she was so sorry for making us wait that she had added another $ 50 and she was really very sorry . Bob O ' Connell sat behind me in 7th grade math class . I remember exactly nothing from that math class , other than Bob , and the girl . Bob played drums , and like most drummers I have known , he rarely stopped playing the drums . He practiced his paradiddles on the back of my chair , and tapped on my backpack with his feet - something about a double bass drum pedal . And when the girl walked by us , I felt a strange pressure in my chest . Ah , so that 's why they call it a crush . To this day , I am still horribly embarrassed at the way I couldn 't stop staring at her . Eventually , she let me know it made her uncomfortable , but I couldn 't help myself . I was hooked , hard , and I had yet to learn self - control . In high school , Bob adopted a pseudonym , based on his passion for the works of Stephen King , and submitted several florid love poems to the school literary magazine . I think he and I were the only ones who knew that they were about that same girl . The editor selected them to feature in a section unofficially titled " Walk On Me . " I may have had one or two of my poems selected to run in the same section . There is always more than enough teenage angst to go around . Eventually , I found my place . At the Coffee Kingdom , I belonged . Bob drank Ethiopian Yrgacheffe by the pot , and I can 't remember a day when he wasn 't there . I would stop in on my way to school for a pastry , on my way home from school for a cream soda and some chocolate ice cream , and back after dinner for one of Mary Beth 's amazing desserts and some live music . He was always there , smoking , writing , drinking coffee . The next morning , the shower would wake up the smell of his cigarettes in my hair , and I had to smile , remembering the night before . Bob was the drummer in a high school punk band . They called themselves Biohazard ( no relation to the famous band called Biohazard ) . One of the band members had a family member who worked at the UMass Medical Center , and he managed to lift a roll of Biohazard stickers from the supply closet , so that was the name of the band . I volunteered at a theatre downtown , so when Biohazard got a gig at the local community center , Bob came to me and asked if I could borrow some lighting equipment . I made a ridiculous mess of the lighting plot , which my designer friend Jason straightened out in about 30 seconds . I helped set up for the concert . I remember a song called " Welcome to Managua , " which involved a lot of screaming . And they did a cover of " Wipe Out , " complete with extended drum solo . Bob 's glasses flew off his face during that drum solo , as they so often did , and his squinched - up expression as he tried to see what he was doing resembled nothing so much as a far - sighted hamster . I still have a couple of Biohazard stickers , and that lighting plot is around here somewhere , with the drum kit labeled Hamster . I also remember that the band members were planning a post - show celebration . They were going to wear rented tuxedos and go to Denny 's . The plan was to order Hot Fudge Brownies à la Mode , in unison , monotone , faces expressionless , and when the sundaes arrived , to plunge their faces in and eat them without using their hands . I have no idea if that ever happened , but I would like to think they went through with it . Twenty years later , he found me on Facebook , and what do you know ? He was working in the building next door to mine . Could we get together for lunch ? We could indeed . Over burgers at the Rattlesnake , we caught each other up on our adult lives . It 's funny how the important events of twenty years can be summed up in twenty minutes . I was no longer working in theatre ; he was no longer playing drums . He told me of the loss of his mother ; I told him about how I 'd lost Sarah to cancer . I told him about Sandy , and he told me about his wife , Tricia . Our eyes met , and he nodded . I get it , he was saying . The way he spoke of Tricia , the look in his eyes , I knew he understood . Love is so much more complex and powerful than we ever imagined , in that seventh grade math class , struggling against our carbonated hormones , desperately yearning for something we didn 't understand . He 's gone , now . He died last night , after a month in the hospital . Lung cancer . Wiped out , if you will , like an eraser across a chalkboard , and my faded memories of him like the ghost of what was written there . I want to be very careful , how I write this next part , because I don 't want anyone to think for a second that I am blaming him for anything . Cancer is pure evil . It can and does strike anyone . But scent is such a powerful memory trigger , and I can never smell a cigarette without remembering Bob , sitting at a glass - topped table in the Coffee Kingdom , French press , Think Book , denim jacket , and all . So when you smell cigarette smoke , take a moment to think of what happened to Bob , to Josh , to Sheila , to your friends . How quickly and easily they were taken from us , here one minute and gone the next . You can 't live every day as if it were your last . Our minds aren 't built to handle that level of awareness . But once in a while , when you smell cigarette smoke , surface , for a minute . Remember how fragile we are , how briefly we are here . Tell someone that you 're glad they 're alive . As for the girl , she is still beautiful . I could email her tonight , and apologize for the clumsy , desperate way we loved her . It had nothing to do with love . I know that , now . But Leave me alone , she said , and I have , and I will . May 30 , 2009Behind the scenes , Nate , Sandy , Sarahugarrda When I was in college , the theatre department put on a production of Six Characters in Search of an Author . The script called for a very young girl to play the part of The Child . Luckily , we had one handy . James , the auditorium manager , and Professor Jane , the costume designer , had three beautiful children : two boys and a girl . The girl , Nia , was six years old at the time , or thereabouts , and she was perfect . I don 't remember having anything to do with Six Characters . I probably worked on the electrics crew or something . But I happened to catch the tail end of an evening dress rehearsal one night . James was there too , waiting to pick up his daughter . When the stage manager dismissed the actors , Nia spotted her father . She jumped off the stage and went tearing up the aisle , screaming , " Daddeeeeee ! " She leaped into his arms and he spun her around into a big hug , The Child 's ghostly white dress fluttering behind her . When Sarah and I started dating , we were in our late 20s . Sarah let me know early on that she wanted kids , and I knew that if I wanted to keep her around , I would have to get on board with that . When I met her nieces , all my resistance crumbled . I fell in love with them immediately . Watching Sarah with them , watching myself with them , I finally admitted that we would be good parents . Taking care of a newborn is exhausting work . Being a single parent is exhausting work . Being Nate 's dad is the most rewarding thing I 've ever done , but there are a lot of nights when I am just tired , and I have a hard time being the sparky , energetic father he deserves . Some nights , when I go to pick him up at school , he is delighted to see me , but I am too tired and cranky to appreciate it fully . And other nights , when I am delighted to see him , he is busy playing or coloring and would really prefer if I just went away . Sometimes , he knows he 's been naughty at school , and is dreading my arrival . But in the back of my mind , I remember Nia and James , and I know that one of these days we will both be happy to see each other at the same time . Sandy 's lease is up tomorrow . She packed up her apartment and moved in with me and Nate on Wednesday . She drove in to work with me on Thursday and spent the day cleaning the old apartment . We drove home together , and together we went to pick up Nate at school . September 27 , 2008Behind the scenes , Sandyugarrda In the sweltering heat of July , our star magnolia tree has its mind on the future . A tiny little bud appears at the tip of each branch , hidden by the green leaves . As summer draws to a close and fall begins , it drops just a few leaves and unveils the buds , slightly larger now . When the frost comes , the buds grow little fuzzy jackets , to keep them warm through the long , cold winter . Nate and I check on them every night when we get home from school . Fuzzy jackets ? Check . Can I pet them ? Sure . He gently strokes one with a fingertip , and smiles . He knows what 's coming next . Winter will be here soon , with the shoveling and the shoveling and the shoveling . But as we always have before , we will wear our fuzzy jackets and keep ourselves warm . And as the last of the snow melts away , the fuzzy jackets begin to unzip , just a little . Nate is right on top of it : " Spring is almost here , the jackets are opening ! " Every day , a little more , until finally KABOOM ! the tree explodes in a riot of giant pink flowers . The fragrance is intoxicating , and there 's no mistaking it : spring is here again . It 's such a basic life lesson : change is the only constant . Five little words - " we think you have cancer " - and everything changed for us . When Sarah died , it was March , the beginning of spring in the Northern Hemisphere . It was strange to see the icicles melting and the world coming back to life all around me , when in my heart , it was winter . I kept my fuzzy jacket zipped up tightly . But my magnolia tree is a living reminder : winter doesn 't last forever . As 2007 was winding down , and the weather grew colder , my heart began to thaw out . I met a girl , and I asked her to dinner . I introduced her to Nate . And as we all decorated the Christmas tree together , I realized that we weren 't just celebrating our second Christmas without Sarah . We were celebrating our first Christmas with Sandy . I 've always known that I do my best writing when I 'm miserable . So if you 've wondered why I haven 't been posting as often , now you know . It 's not just that we 've been busy , with the road trips , and the vacations , and the fireworks on the Vineyard . It 's the falling in love . I 'm happy . We 're happy . And even though I 'll never stop missing Sarah - even though the leaves are falling off the magnolia tree - there are big , pink flowers in my heart . February 25 , 2008Behind the scenes , Nate , Sarahugarrda My childhood bedroom , circa 1977 . Late evening - definitely past my bedtime . My father 's woodwind quintet was playing downstairs . I could hear his bassoon calling me , through the gap under my door . I slid quietly out of bed and tiptoed across the room . Very , very slowly I turned the cut - glass knob , opened the door , and crept silently down the hall . I lay down on the floor at the top of the stairs , hung my sleepy head down onto the first step , and let the music wash over me . Performing Arts School of Worcester , circa 1986 . My trumpet lesson was over , and I was waiting for my sister 's clarinet lesson to end . I had already finished my homework , and I had about an hour to kill . My friend Amy invited me to keep her company while she practiced . I was never a great trumpet player , but Amy was the star of the school . We went upstairs to an empty recital room , and I lay on the floor under the piano , and it was glorious . I felt the sound in my bones , in my stomach . I felt as if I were part of the instrument , and the music flowed through me . First Congregational Church , circa 1988 . My friend Suzanne had somehow obtained the key to the church , and permission to play the newly - refurbished pipe organ . Maybe she was going to be standing in for the regular organist for some reason , and she needed to rehearse ? I can 't remember . But I remember the organ . The first thing we did was climb the narrow wooden ladder into the organ loft and admire all the neat rows upon rows of pipes , metal and wood , all perfectly lined up from tiny to huge . Suzanne went back down the ladder to the console and started to play , and I stood inside the music and wept for joy . Memorial Chapel , Northfield Mount Hermon School , December , 2004 . Nathaniel was sixteen months , and old enough to attend Christmas Vespers at Sarah 's beloved prep school . We stood in the foyer at the back of the hall , because we knew he would eventually start to squawk , and one of us would have to take him outside for a walk . The house lights went down , and the chapel was completely dark . The door in the back of the foyer opened , and the choir rustled up from the basement , jostling each other to get lined up just so . We were surrounded by robed angels , each holding a candle . Nate 's eyes shone as he stared at them . December 1 , 2007Behind the scenesugarrda On Thursday , my friend Sandy and I took Nate to the Official Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony on Boston Common . We had a truly excellent time . We saw all the celebrities : Santa , Frosty , Rudolph , Wally , and … what the heck is that green thing ? Well , it was Fred the Frog : the new mascot for Frog Pond ? No ? Well , whatever . We had tons of fun . Carols , clog dancers , bagpipers , and fireworks . An excellent start to the holiday season . And kudos to Boston for not calling it a Holiday Tree or a Euphemism Bush or some such foolishness . It is a Christmas tree . Deal with it . Nate was very excited to see Santa . He also got a kick out of Frosty . He said that Rudolph looked like a person in an owl costume , and I was forced to agree . He was curious about the World Series trophy ; I am afraid I did not do a very good job explaining the significance of the " golden hat . " Jose Feliciano performing " Feliz Navidad " elicited a shrug . But he could not have cared less about Mayor Menino . I always enjoy seeing Mayor Menino . If you haven 't heard Mayor Menino speak , you need to . His nickname is Mumbles , because it 's even money he 'll mangle whatever he 's trying to say . He may sound like a moron with a mouthful of marbles , but he 's really pretty smart ( at least , he manages to keep getting elected , and the city seems to be doing well enough under him ) , and in my limited experience , he seems like a very nice guy . Yup , I actually got to meet Mayor Menino . This was back in the day , probably the year before I did the Nutcracker . I was doing pickup work setting up sound , lighting , and staging for various corporate events around Boston . One of these events was the famous Breakfast With Santa at Jordan Marsh in Downtown Crossing . I ended up running the sound board for Celebrity Storytelling , and so I got to pin lapel microphones on various newscasters and such . Then it was Mayor Menino 's turn . I clipped the mike to his collar and tucked the broadcast unit into the inside pocket of his sport jacket . I don 't remember whether he grabbed a book from the box at random , or whether one of his aides picked it out for him . But I remember what book it was : How The Grinch Stole Christmas ! As he opened the book and started to read , I could see an expression of horror creep across his face . He was clearly thinking , " What the hell is this ? These aren 't even real words ! " Indeed , Seuss is famous for his made - up words and his tongue - twisters . But His Honor 's tongue was twisted to begin with . Nevertheless , he bravely stumbled through the rhymes , and the kids roared with laughter whenever he got tangled and had to start a sentence over . After a few pages , I noticed that the Channel Four cameraman had his camera pointed at the floor . I leaned over and asked him what was wrong . " Nothin ' , " he said . " It 's just , I think he 'd rather not look this dumb on the news tonight . The kids are lovin ' it ; that 's enough . It 's Christmas , ya know ? " November 28 , 2007Behind the scenesugarrda Jeremy reminded me yesterday of this gloriously awful production of the Nutcracker that we worked on together , back in the day . His post brought back a flood of memories . My friend Ray ran the theatre at my college , and he knew a guy who needed a stage manager . I didn 't have much going on that month , so I signed on board . This was a touring show , mind you , so we spent a lot of time in a rented fifteen - foot box truck from Budget , either stuck in traffic or trying not to flip over on the interchange from 290 to 495 North . The organizers had a good thing going . They ran a dance school in Cambridge , and they taught dance classes to little kids all over Massachusetts . The high - school kids got the lead roles , and the director played Drosselmeyer . But the little kids from the various regional classes did not tour . There was a different crop of between fifty and eighty kids ( representing party children , mice , toy soldiers , snowflakes , sheep , angels , and Polichinelles ) appearing in the show at every destination , which meant that there was a fresh group of parents shelling out buckets of cash every weekend : $ 15 audition fee , $ 35 " production fee , " and then of course the entire family was expected to buy tickets to the performance itself . The kids were great . They were incredibly enthusiastic . When I went down to their dressing room to call , " ten minutes , please , " they would roar back , " THANK YOU , TEN MINUTES ! " The lead dancers , in contrast , routinely failed to acknowledge my presence at all . Suit yourselves ; show starts with or without you . My favorite moment was when we were loading in to the auditorium at Wachusett Regional High School . We opened the loading dock door and discovered that the wings were filled with folded - up choral risers , plus an acoustical shell . The wing space was pretty limited to begin with , and these risers took up the entire space . We couldn 't even unload the truck with them there . Immediately , a little man fussed out of the orchestra rehearsal room , demanding to know what we thought we were doing . I explained that we had rented the auditorium , and needed to , you know , actually use it . We would be very careful with his precious risers and put them back where we found them at the end of load - out . I just gaped . Jeremy stepped in , and said , " I think what Dave is trying to say is , what the hell kind of place are you running here ? Who 's in charge , the students or the teachers ? " I honestly couldn 't believe my ears . If we had tried throwing food when I was in high school , there would have been hell to pay . In spite of the apparent buckets of money coming into the box office , the show was pretty low - budget . This included the company manager 's tendency to take his time about paying me and my crew . I provided detailed time cards , and he grudgingly wrote checks . But when we finished the last show , they still owed us close to eight hundred dollars , and as the weeks turned into months , it became fairly obvious that they had no intention of paying us at all . After the holiday season was over , they put on a spring production ; I forget what it was . They found some other sucker to stage - manage . And they booked the theatre at my college , which , you may recall , was run by my friend Ray . So they showed up bright and early with their beat - up Budget truck , and loaded everything onto the dock . The truck was blocking the alley , so Ray asked them to move it before they started to unpack and lay out the marley . They were on a tight schedule , as usual , but they agreed . When they returned from the parking lot , they discovered that the theatre was locked up tight , with all of their gear inside . Ray was sitting on the front steps , looking pensive . When the director asked him to let them in , Ray drew on his cigarette , puffed out the smoke , and drawled , " I understand you owe my friend Dave some money . " November 4 , 2007Behind the scenes , Nate , Sarahugarrda Thanks to everyone who expressed their sympathy over the loss of Sarah 's jewelry . I think I am basically over it . It 's not as if I had intended to wear it , after all , and I still have the memories . I cancelled the maid service and changed the locks , and I ( tearfully ) gave the charm bracelets to Sarah 's nieces . I still have the first piece of jewelry I gave Sarah , a silver Tiffany bracelet with our initials engraved on opposite sides of a silver heart . That will have to do . Sarah 's totem animal was the manatee . She loved homely animals , and the manatee topped the list . She had manatee jewelry , manatee socks , manatee mugs , just all kinds of manatee paraphernalia . This made it easy for me to pick out gifts for her . A manatee trinket was shorthand for " I love you . " One day , when we were packing for our first overnight trip together , Sarah presented me with what she called a " travel animal . " She explained that one of her ex - boyfriends had been in the military , and he introduced her to the concept . Apparently it 's traditional for an infantryman to carry a small plush animal in his backpack , to be his " eyes behind " and help look out for danger . He shared the tradition with her , and now she was continuing it with me . My new travel animal was a Beanie Baby : Happy the Hippo . I was completely delighted . Happy has accompanied me on every trip I 've ever taken since then . He 's been all over the world . As time passed , however , we realized that this gift was much more than it seemed . It had revealed my totem animal to me . Any time I saw a picture of a hippopotamus , it reminded me of Sarah and how much she loved me . Soon the hippo - themed gifts began in earnest . We even made a pilgrimage to Busch Gardens in Tampa Bay , where we took the Animal Adventure Tour specifically so we could go backstage and feed the hippos . ( Of course , we also visited the Lowry Park Zoo and hung out with the manatees for several hours . ) The suffix - potamus entered our vocabulary fairly quickly , but it really took off when Nate was born . When he was hungry , he was a hungrypotamus . When he was sleepy , he was a sleepypotamus . When he was spitting up , he was a messypotamus ( from Messypotamia , of course ) . And when he was cranky ? Obviously , he was a crankopotamus . And when he woke us up in the middle of the night , we were all crankopotamuses together . Nate inherited the ( dozens of ) plush manatees , but they 're not his thing . I await with interest the revelation of his totem animal . At the moment he loves penguins and turtles , but it 's still too early to say .
We seem to have adopted a dog . Just what we need . He came here on Friday , and has shown no signs of packing his bags . He sleeps in Ben 's room at night , and just hangs around here during the day like he has been here all his life . He is a black lab mix , he sits and shakes and lies down , comes when called , and hasn 't gone near the road or shown any signs of running off . He gets along with Rosie like they have been raised together , and is gentle with the kids . He hasn 't jumped up on anyone , or even growled . So Benjamin has been asking around to find out where he belongs , and tonight he talked to some people from down the highway a ways , and they think he the dog of an older kid who left the house when his mom left his dad . The people do not think the Mr . of the house liked the dog or was kind to it , and that is all I will write here because I don 't know who reads this . The Mr . was not home when Ben checked , but it was before he heard the dog 's story . . . . so now he is hesitant to go back again when Mr . is at home , because from all the neighbors ' accounts , Mr . has not looked for dog or asked around for him , and is not a very good owner . So . . . . . do we give dog back to Mr . anyways ? Yes , I know , it all points to YES , it might all be heresay , and if it is his dog , then we have no right to keep him . But then again , we did not steal this dog , HE came to US . For all we know , they dropped him off , and he found our happy family before he found his way back home again . Our kids just love him , Glen Cocoa they named him . . . . if you haven 't watched the movie , " Mean Girls " , the name means nothing . . . . Tonight , we have two doggies sprawled out on the living room floor , relaxing . Anyway . . . . . the weather here in the Northeast has been nothing short of glorious . Ninety degrees and sunny today . I went in the pool and passed out popsicles to the kids . The pool water is so warm they had to be careful not to let their popscicles go under . Poplar trees grow fast , and there are several near our pool . . . . that means lots and lots of tree fluff . It has bPosted by Camille - The - Helpless is in bed now . . . . . . Charlotte Claire is in bed now . . . . Paul is so tired he is relaxed on the couch , which is nice . . . he usually is the Energizer Bunny , even when he is tired . This weekend has been so busy . . . 1 . I took Mali to the dr . Friday morning . . . . then to Lowe 's for plants for her garden . . . . then to Walmart for a prescription for a new inhaler . . . she has excercise induced asthma . . . . . 2 . We went out to bake our cookies , all 786 of them , which took five hours from start to finish . 3 . Saturday we went to the soccer tournament , lost each and every game , but jumped up and down and screamed with joy when the team made one goal . Yes , one goal for all the games . It is all relative . 4 . I sold candy , and helped served the fajita dinners to almost 800 people . 5 . We left to go home after the little girls almost fell apart , yet they asked WHY we had to go home . . . . 6 . This morning Paul left before we were even up to make and serve breakfast at the conference center . . . Mirielle brought the soccer players out for the " losers " tournament . . . . I brought the younger kids out and opened the candy store for a few hours . . . . 7 . Our whole family ( except Joseph and Aaron , who were working ) went to my niece 's graduation party . . . . . hot dogs and burgers and coneys and chicken / mushroom / tomato kabobs and cake and pie and those little bags of chips . The kids loved those . 8 . They have a tetherball pole , and it was so much fun . I played against Emily . . . . and lost . 9 . After the party , I was hot and tired , but mostly hot . . . so we went in the pool for a little swim . . . . . . 10 . Popcorn and stories . Tomorrow is Memorial Day . . . . . Margaret and Samuel will march in the small local parade , and perhaps we will pack up and go to the bigger parade a few towns over in the afternoon . . . . Yeah , so I am tired tonight . Tired but happy . I have found that friends are the most important part of life , and have realized more how lucky I am . I have also noticed , by the grace of God , that being faithful in my thoughts not to judge and criticize is what preserves those friPosted by Jonathan loves Charlotte Claire 's birthday trike , even more than she does . Like all that cereal ? There WERE three more boxes , but guess what we had for dinner last night ? My newborn , I mean my temporarily mobility disabled two - year - old slept all night last night , in her own bed ! Well , now , I cannot call it a " bed " exactly . . . . her pack ' n play - mattress - with - two - big - comforters - on - top - of - it bed . The first time she slept on it , after her little green bed broke , I asked her in the morning how she liked her new bed . She misunderstood me and asked excitedly , " Did I get a new bed , is it outside ? " And Charlotte Claire answered , " No , she means your pile - of - blankets bed . " Why does that make me want to cry ? As far as I am concerned , she is fine in the pile - of - blankets bed for a little bit . . . I am thinking to maybe add her to the Suzanne - Sonja - Jonathan bedroom instead of putting her in with Light On All Night Charlotte Claire . . . . This morning , in fact in like 45 minutes , I have an appointment in the small city for Miss Mali , because she hurt her hip running track , and has been walking around in pain . . . . she took a week off from running , but it didn 't get better , so off we go to have it checked out . Yesterday I got all the ingredients for the 800 cookies we are going to bake today . Six 72 ounce bags of Nestle chips . . . . and no , this won 't make me sick of chocolate chip cookies . I tweak the regular recipe , adding half shortening and half real butter . I also use a 2 to 1 ratio of brown sugar to white , and use real vanilla . So obviously I have sat here longer than I should have , I have to be out the door in eight minutes . Mirielle is staying here with the kids , I am so spoiled . I did take Miss Camille - The - Helpless with me yesterday though , and she was fine . She got french fries and Tinkerbell fruit snacks , so of course she was fine . Benjamin . . . when he puts his mind to it , he is amazing ! ( aren 't the trees pretty out the window in the background ? ) . . . . . yes , I am easily distracted . . . anyway , Benjamin was the number one babysitter last night , he didn 't go to his friend 's grandmother 's house after all . He was going to make the kids hot dogs on the grill , but SURPRISE , Mirielle had taken the gas bottle with her to the dinner the girls were putting on . . . . so Ben was the ultimate babysitter : he built a fire out back and they roasted their hot dogs . They also had corn and green beans , AND roasted marshmallows . When we got home , the first thing Charlotte Claire said to me was , " We had marshmallows ! " Except for Miss C . C . , the kids were all tucked into bed by a little after nine , and sleeping when we got home . And this morning they were happy , telling me about their fire . Benjamin , 21 , Joseph , 19 , and Samuel , 14 , are good babysitters ! ! ! Of course there is a down side , which I am not complaining about , but just to keep it real . . . the house was a mess . Not just because of them , it was nice out yesterday , I hung lots of clothes out on the deck to dry , and didn 't bring them in before I left so I did it when I got home last night , the floors HAD beens swept yesterday . . . but . The counters . . . rrr . And so on . I seriously don 't expect them to clean and take such nice care of the kids . . . . somehow I am suppposed to , but I don 't always do a great job either . So I have learned a little mercy . And thankfully , to hold my tongue a bit , so I don 't come in the door and just see the things that are out of place and start growling . Evelyn Joy skipped school this fine day . She says they aren 't doing anything in school . I find that slightly hard to believe , but she has tons of energy and says she is going to help me today . She has already cleaned up the living room and is now preparing her fishbowl . I promised her two goldfish . She thinks they will actually defy the odds stacked against goldfish that enter our home , and survive . hmm . She is using a huge Snyder 's Pretzel tub for herPosted by Sonja Kathleen . . . . her hair is straight from her Gramma . . . . so thick and curly and red . . . . Aaron Charlotte Claire and CamilleAnticipating going in the pool . . the water is warm , the sun is hot . . . and yay for waterproof casts ! Here is a nice picture of me with my nine youngest . . . Margaret holding Camille , Sam standing in back with Suze in front of him , Evelyn holding Charlotte Claire , me with Jonathan in front of me , Kathryn next to me , and Sonja K . Yes , we just sit in the sun and swim and have a good old time . Well , not really . I did laundry and swept and sorted through the wet clothes on the laundry room floor from the outtake pipe getting knocked out of it 's socket , and flooding my clean clothes . . . in this heat , one cannot ignore wet clothes . And then there is Camille - The - Helpless , who WANTS YOU , MOMMY ! The school kids got picked up early , and out in the pool we went . . . . popsicles in the pool , heavenly . When we had enough sun , we came infor a movie and a rest and some cheez - its and cookies and pear and apple slices and carrots . I do not have to make dinner tonight . Paul and I are going to a dinner put on by the youth girls , to help fund their trip to the ocean this year , and just so we can get together having a good time . Of course the kids here ( Joseph , Samuel , Evelyn , Suzanne , Sonja , Jonathan , Charlotte Claire ) should probably eat dinner too . . . . so I should think of something for them . . . . Ben went to his friend 's grandmother 's house , Emily , Abigail , Mirielle , Mali , Margaret , and Kathryn will be preparing and serving the dinner , and Aaron is at work . And I think I will take Miss Camille - The - Helpless with us . . . . just because . I might as well spoil her all the way . No , really I think it will be too hard for Joe and Sam , because she needs lots of care right now . . . . and because I love her and want to bring her with me . Camille ended up in bed with mommy last night . She cried every few minutes . . . . it has been a while since I have endured that kind of interrupted sleep . Wow , it is difficult . Even when she was in bed with me , she cried and fussed several times . . . I finally gave her more Tylenol , and around six o ' clock she settled down . . . and I had to get up at seven . So despite feeling like a zombie today , I managed to be quite busy . I left before 8am to go with my brother Bob to buy food for the 700 + dinners that our church is serving on Saturday . I got home , snuggled fussy Camille for an hour or so , and off we were to the orthopaedic dr . The waiting room waiting was punctuated by taking Camille to the bathroom twice , and getting to know the old lady sitting next to me . She said she had five children , and she would rather have taken the first four shopping , than the last ONE . . . . because the youngest was a " hellion " . Hmm . sounds familiar . Even though I love my two little girls tremendously , they do give me a run for my money . Since some of you kindly informed me that they do indeed make waterproof casts , which surprised me because I was totally kidding , I asked about it today , and yes , for a mere $ 25 extra , she can swim and bathe and play in the hose . As long as she doesn 't walk on it , that is . It seems that she broke an important bone , a support bone , and if she walks on it , it is bad . " But , " the dr . assured me , " It is hard to keep a two year old from walking , so if she does it will probably be okay . " . . . hmmm . So far she hasn 't even wanted to venture down . . . . but I am thinking tomorrow she will be crawling with it , which I will be sure to video , the poor thing , but when Charlotte Claire broke her ankle , she started her mobility with crawling like a soldier , right down on her belly . It was pathetic and hilarious and her brothers delighted in it . We went grocery - ing , just for a few things like milk and bread and bananas and popscicles and chicken and toothpaste and carrots . I let Kathryn , Evelyn , and Suzanne go to the bulk foods and pick ouPosted by Camille Anaya , who is two years old , broke her leg . So she gets midnight cereal on the couch . It 's a good thing I have learned a thing or two these years , like having emergency pretzels in my purse . We were at the emergency room for almost six hours . This whole thing just proves my theory : When I don 't wash my hair and I really KNOW I should , but try to skip a day , something like this happens . When I realized that yes , this child seriously is hurt , and I have to take her to the hospital , the first thing I said was , yes you guessed it , " My hair is dirty ! " . . . . but I lived . She was on the trampoline with the kids . . . . Jon ran and jumped on top of someone , and accidentally tripped her , and fell on her . . . . The resident dr . who looked at her first didn 't think it was broken , he said there is a huge lump on the back of her calf , and sometimes bruises hurt badly . Well , she would not stand on it . Then the REAL dr . came in , and felt the leg , and said the same thing , but we should do an xray just in case . . . then , VOILA ! broken right under the knee . She has a nice splint on it , and cannot walk on it , good thing there are plenty of carriers around here . . . . I have to take her in tomorrow to see what the orthopaedist wants to do for her . . . . . wah , probably no more swimming pool for her for a while . . . poor child . . . unless they have perhaps invented waterproof casts . . . She is tired and we have to go to bed . . . . but remember , keep that hair clean , and your kids won 't break their legs ! ! ! It is scrumptiously deliciously wonderful outside right now . I took Rosie out this morning , and we were out by the edge of the yard , where the grass is higher and the little creek runs . The birds of course were singing , and a bee was buzzing around . The sky is totally blue , and the leaves and grass are still that young tender shade of green . And this is what I thought : I do not want to send the kids to school today ! It should be summer . It is going to be in the eighties today , what do they really need to learn ? I am thinking to keep them home tomorrow . I haven 't said anything about it yet , but I am thinking . It is supposed to be near ninety degrees . I already told them I would be waiting in the back near the pool with snacks when they get home today . Last evening , one of the things I had to do was to clean up from dinner and put away the pizza . . . . well , Aaron came home and unloaded , loaded , ran the dishwasher , put all the pizza away in a big container , and cleared the counters . . . . without even being asked . I was so thankful ! Not for the work he had done , but the work that must be going on in his seventeen year old heart , to do something like that . Now no disrespect to Aaron , I love him to pieces , but he isn 't what one would call a " big help " . Usually , all I have to do is say his name , and he answers , " What ? ? ? ! " in that dreading voice , certain I am asking him to do something . Well , they all got on the bus this morning . And I have tons of work to do . I don 't seem to learn that when I am busy all weekend and slack off on laundry and housework , it grows to monsterous proportions , too big to shake a stick at . The kids rooms are messy , the bathroom needs a scrubbing . . . . . the clothes pile on the couch is still a small monster , but this mommy better attack it before it is too late . Now that the swimming season is in swing again , I had to remind the kids to fold up their clothes and put them on their beds when they change into their suits . . . . it looked like someone had played hip - hip - hooray with a big pile of clothes , they wePosted by after the amazing feat of getting out the door for church with all the other people who live here , except Benjamin , along with sandwiches and drinks and little baggies of chips and pretzels , since we were staying after for a soccer pep rally . . . . and coming home to the pool being ready to swim . . . . . and swimming with the little ones , which really consisted of me skimming the bottom for leaves and solving the hog - the - ladder - top fights . . . . . I am tired . I sat in the sun after the three youngest were done with the water , pushing Camille on the swing and singing her songs and talking to Jonathan and keeping an eye on Suzanne and Sonja , who were still swimming . I was planning on making chocolate chip cookies for the girls gathering this evening , but Mirielle ended up doing it . I did make three pizzas , no sauce , just butter and garlic and cheese and diced tomatoes and bacon , with bacon on one too . Unbelieveably good . I gave the kids their pizza in the living room at their little table , while watching " 102 Dalmations " . Joseph , Aaron , and Sam are with the boys from church , and all the older girls are at the girls gathering . Benjamin is at work , so just Evelyn , Suzanne , Sonja , Jonathan , Charlotte Claire , Camille , Paul and I are here . I am resting with my feet up , and I could seriously fall asleep . It is warm out today , very pleasant and sunny and breezy , probably around 80 degrees . I am thinking that I have to send the kids to school this week , and no fair , I want summer vacation to start now ! We just plain know how to have fun . And I don 't think they would be any less smart if I just pulled them out right now and started on with vacationing . Too bad I would get in trouble . . . they learn so much just being here . Camille was making " teeny tiny baby " c " s , Mommy " today with a red crayon and a piece of paper . And lots of " ones " , too . Of course , she made one squiggle and said it was an " f " , and it didn 't really look like one . Life doesn 't always go like I think it should go , and sometimes it is downright painful . But I can always , alwaPosted by Joseph helped do tons of dishes after the wedding . . . Esther and Tim . . . . . young and lovely . Abigail with Charlotte ClaireEmily Anne taking a little break from preparing the food . She likes being in the kitchen . Kathryn , Emily , and Joseph Abigail , Kathryn , Evelyn , Margaret . . . and the flower girl , Charlotte ClaireCharlotte Claire with Esther and Tim in the recieving line . . . It was a nice day , nice wedding . . . . very encouraging and sweet . Posted by Mali and SamuelJonathan didn 't seem to notice that Samuel had a nice tux on . . . he brought out all his Hess trucks to show him . And speaking of lovely , Miss Camille AnayaMiss Charlotte ClaireAnd the lovely Miss Rosie - The - Bad - Dog . . . She 's lucky she 's cute . Leaving for the prom time sort of sneaked up on me , so when Sam came over . . . . the deck was messy and the shoe area was messy , the dog wouldn 't stop barking . . . and Mali wasn 't ready yet . Sam was nervous , and Mali 's hands were shaking . . . we took our pictures and off they went . . . . . phew . There is NEVER a dull moment around here . Now that I have cried and cried about my mother , I feel a little better . I have stayed home all day , except for going to pick Aaron up at school . No , he isn 't sick , but it is prom - night day , and the high school tends to be quite empty in the afternoon . I had just put my bathing suit top on to sit in the sun when Mirielle informed me that I had to call to pick him up . The school secretary was hesitant about me picking him up when he wasn 't going to the prom . . . . . she put me on hold . I decided while I waited to be nice no matter what , but to insist on bringing him home , because it is no fair that the promgoers got legal excuses to leave halfday . . . . but she just said " Okay , just come in and sign him out . " . . . . so Mirielle couldn 't go in , I had to get dressed again and go . . . . We spent most of the day on the deck talking and sunning and watching the kids play with the hose , now that it is fixed . Their little pool is cracked , we have had it for at least 10 or 12 years . . . . . so they had just pails of water to fill and dump and play in . And the sprinkler . It is 81 degrees today , and just lovely . Camille came into the house at one point , and took off her bathing suit and put on a giant pair of undies . Next thing I know , she is back outside playing in the water in the saggy baggy undies . Okay . . . . but then she took them off ! No , no little butt cheeks out in the front yard ! ! It was time for a pull up and some chocolate milk and a nap . She is not sleeping , but she is singing some nice little songs . . . hopefully while lying nicely in her little green bed , and not while getting into my stuff . It is a popscicle day , a grassy feet day since the lawn was mowed yesterday , and the neighbor is mowing so it sounds summery , too . The kids are having some downtime with ice cream sandwiches and " Curious George . " Yesterday was an adventure . I went to school to talk to Sam 's teachers , and we think he will do okay . He knows his stuff , he just has to do the work . Then I went into the cafeteria and visited Jonathan at his lunch table . He pointed to the girPosted by May 22nd . The last time she had a birthday was four years ago , when she turned 69 . It makes me mad sometimes , that she only got to live for 69 years , she enjoyed life more than anyone I have ever met . Waiting in line , sitting at home , she did not get bored . I am crying alot lately , even though it has been so long since she died . . . because it is springtime , and Lilac time , and she loved Lilacs . I have a Lilac bush in the front yard , and every day I stop and bury my face in it , and remember her . I keep bringing in fresh sprigs for the vase next to my kitchen sink . How can one stop missing someone ? I talked to her every single day after the kids got on the bus for all those years . I called her when I got home from the store , because she cared what I got for 75 % off . She cared about the old lady who was giving out lemonade samples , and the cashier who remembered Casey . I called her sometimes when I was making dinner , she knew if a dented can was dangerous or how long to soak the beans . I called her when Paul was at a meeting in the evening , or if one of the kids bumped their head or fell off their bike . Whenever Paul was away at a conference or had to work on a Saturday , I was at her house with all the kids . She was the best garage sale companion ever ! Once she bought the whole remains of a garage sale that the guy just wanted to get rid of . She had all this stuff at her house , happy as can be to give it all to us . . . . now , I wanted to be getting RID of stuff , not getting more , but I let the kids take messy - haired dolls and old board games with scrunchy boxes and some of those much - loved stuffed animals that every mother wants more and more of . . . . I just remember how happy she was that she had all that stuff to give the kids . I thought it would get easier with time . But it hasn 't . I wear her wedding band on my right hand , ( and it really messes me up because for years I knew LEFT was the hand I had my ring on . . . now . . . oh my goodness , am I the only adult in the world who just blanks each and every time ? I blame it on my kinPosted by Things that test my patience : 1 . Chapstick in pockets in the laundry . 2 . Eating while walking around , dropping crumb trails . 3 . Unattended drinks left in dangerous places . ( like on the table where the Wii and dvd player are ) 4 . The dog 's leash not being placed in it 's usual spot . 5 . Those who think it is okay to wear their shoes across the floor because they are in a hurry . 6 . Dirty socks found in various places . What , are they planning on wearing them again ? Why oh why can they not just go straight to the hamper ? Do they think dirty socks look NICE on top of the rolltop desk ? 7 . Sharing my vacuum cleaner . I seem to have a special talent for emptying it and wrapping up the cord properly . 8 . Dishes placed into the sink without getting rinsed off . 9 . Clothes taken from the dryer and plopped on the couch . 10 . Unflushed toilets . 11 . Uncapped toothpaste . 12 . Toothpaste all over the bathroom counter and in the sink . 13 . Eating or drinking at the computer table . 14 . Jackets and backpacks strewn mindlessly . Okay , one or two would be no big deal . . . but 6 or 7 . . . . rrr . 15 . Empty cereal boxes or cardboard put on the kitchen floor next to the garbage can instead of in the bin on the deck . 16 . Sections of the newspaper left in the bathroom . 17 . Being told the cat has no food . Hasn 't had any in one or two days , perhaps . 18 . Ice cube trays with one ice cube . 19 . Playing " find the phone " . 20 . Playing " find the tv remote " . 21 . Playing " find the hairbrush " . 22 . Discovering there is only one egg in the carton . Or none . 23 . Having 5 open tubs of soft margarine in the refridgerator . 24 . When one teenager rolls his eyes at me and another teenager gives that subtle nod of agreement that Mom is being ridiculous . 25 . When they say , " I HEARD you ! " , yet they do everything wrong . 26 . Hearing , " My shoes are to small , I don 't have ANYTHING to wear today ! " Obviously this list could be very very long . So I must balance it out . . . Things I love . . . . 1 . When one of the kids apologizes . 2 . When Rosie actually comes when I call her . 3 . Seeing someone take out the garbage without bPosted by I did something today that I haven 't done in a while : I took a nap . I fell fast asleep , well , after the kids stopped crashing into my door and slamming around in the hall . Mirielle took them outside , and I slept . I woke up and was surprised that only an hour had passed , so I fell back to sleep . . . . after a half an hour , Emily called my cell phone to make sure I sent notes to school , as she is picking some of her sisters up early for some fun . I decided I better get up . . . . it was a very yummy and worthwhile nap . Mirielle and I gave the kids lunch on the deck , but the sun just wouldn 't come out and shine on us . The clouds would move by and let the sun tease us just a bit , then back they came . I had prepared a hamburger with lettuce and tomato , to eat on the deck . We were streaming out the door when UH - OH , Camille peed a nice big puddle on the bench and onto the floor . Okay , cleaned her up and cleaned up the mess . . . . . and RRR ! Rosie - the - bad - dog reached her little face right up on that shelf near the door and stole my burger right off the bun ! She KNEW it was bad , she just couldn 't help herself . I yelled NO , and she settled down to the floor with her head down , oh - so - sorry . . . . . ha . She would do it again in a minute , sneaky dog . It has been nice having Jonathan home today . They have been playing one continuous game of " house " , they had babies in their tummies , they pretended Charlotte Claire was the maid , they are here yet in another world . I love it when kids do this . Camille is taking a nap , or at least she is all tucked into her little green bed . Whether she goes to sleep or just comes back out here in a half an hour with all her clothes off is anyone 's guess . I am going to make some homemade macaroni and cheese for dinner . Suzanne needs sneakers for gym . She has some of those nice shoe / sneakers , that I think are fine , they have traction on the bottom and fit her nicely . Her gym teacher says they are NOT sneakers , and makes her wear sneakers from the gross sneaker box . She has been stuffing her feet into her older floral Posted by So we had three guests for dinner . . . . . then the evening invite was open , so our friends from church could come over if they wanted to . There were 21 for dinner , then six more friends came for the evening . We fit easily into the living room with some of the younger ones sitting on comforters on the floor . The gathering was casual , yet very encouraging . The kids sang a song , and we heard a really good story . . . . A seventeen year old girl who was in the middle of many struggles , including whether to follow her own way or follow God , was in school one day . The math teacher asked the kids to close their books , and asked them a random question . He said , " Raise your hand if you have never seen your parents fight . " This 17 year old girl was the only one who raised her hand . Her teacher asked her after class if she realized how blessed she was to be raised in a home where there was no fighting . She thought and thought about that . . . . and that night , she came to the conclusion that that was the life she wanted to live herself , so she went to her parents , apologized for the difficult times she had given them , and decided to be converted . A boy in her class was so impressed with the change in her , that HE started to come to the church and HE was also converted , along with his father and a few of his brothers . All because of a question from a math teacher . . . . Our children don 't fully realize how good they have it , to be born into a family that WANTS them , loves them , and to parents who lay their own lives down for their children . And also they are born into the church , where there is goodness and help and warmth and love and fellowship . So our evening was fun and warm and the kids stayed up way too late . I tried to sleep , and even though I am so tired I just couldn 't sleep . I think it was because I knew Miss Emily was still here , talking to Mirielle . . . . so I got back up and talked to them for a while , 2 : 30 again . They are planning a youth girls ' trip to the ocean , and are doing a dinner next week to raise some money to help defray thPosted by I washed my hair . I washed the couch covers , but haven 't put them back on yet . I vacuumed under all the furniture . I washed the screen door , inside and out . I washed one of the throw rugs , vacuumed the kitchen , and over near the door , and ate some cake . I just realized all I ate today so far was cake . So I took a pear and some cold sausage in a baggie , and sat down and put my feet up . Aah , it feels nice . The little girls are watching " Calliou " , Mirielle is making the shortcake for strawberry shortcake . . . and I am planning what to do next . . . I don 't know whether straightening the bookcases or mopping the floors is of priority . I would rather do both , but . . . . I also cleared in front of the laundry room door so it can close . I wish I liked excercising more . If I was in better shape , this wouldn 't be a big deal . But I could crawl into bed and sleep like a baby for like three hours right now . And my feet hurt . And my knees , and my back . Ha , poor me . The thing is , I am very excited to be having company . It is always worth it , although I must say as I get older , it does cost me more to get ready . Well , as much as I like to sit here and relax , I think I will straighten the bookcases . . . . I cannot mop until the girls are otherwise occupied or napping , they will slip and fall . But I am tired ! ! ! I went to bed at a decent time last night like a good girl . . . . . even fell asleep somewhat quickly , then I heard Rosie bark . . . . once . . . twice . . . I came out here to see what was wrong with her . . . . Aaron and Mali were sitting on the kitchen floor talking and playing with her . It was midnight . Emily and Mirielle were on the computer trying to figure out where they are going to go this summer , the four of them and maybe Abigail or Sam . . . . Maine , or North Carolina , or Chesapeake Bay . . . . . they are so funny . I got Aaron to take the dog out one last time for me , and I rested on the couch for a few minutes . Benjamin was playing video games , and listening to the five of them talk and fool around was more than heart - warming . I simply wasn 't tired anymore , and didn 't want to go back to bed and toss and turn . So I stayed up and talked to Emily and Mirielleand Benjamin after the other two went to bed . For Emily , it is daytime . And it was Mirielle 's very last day of finals for the semester , so they COULD stay up . We solved all the world 's problems , and I got in bed at two thirty . ugh , I woke up at 6 : 58 , and I was sorely tempted to just roll over and go back to sleep and forget all about school this morning . So we ate the chicken nuggets last night , with some nice salad and carrots and celery and dip , and pop fresh biscuits . Then we sang the birthday song to Joseph with some candles , mostly because Camille absolutely delights in it ! The older kids were pretty thankful when Benjamin came in from work with a pizza ! Needless to say , it was history pretty quickly . It was so nice to have some time to visit with Emily without the little kids monopolizing her ! Oh , they love her so much . She never tells me details or names or specifics , she is very careful about that , but sometimes she tells me about general situation in her life as a nurse on the critical care floor . . . . the other night , two people died on her shift . They were a man and a woman , with eerily similar deaths as my parents . . . . . the man was dying and was extubated andPosted by I changed my mind , and went to the store instead . Well , two stores . But first a trip to Gramma and Grampa 's house . Both their cars were in the driveway , so we stopped in to bug them for a little while , and they seemed very pleased . Charlotte Claire and Camille were well behaved , and of course had to pee in Gramma 's bathroom , it is just too exciting . I enjoy Paul 's parents so much these days . They are SO funny and so sincere and their house is nice and clean and clutterfree . . . Next stop was Aldi , mostly for those fresh fruits and veggies , and frozen orange juice . Then , since my gas light was on , I stopped for gas . . . ouch , three bucks a gallon . I only put twelve dollars in . . . . The whole time , the little girls were begging to go to Kohl 's so they could use the little toilet again . We went to Wegman 's , where we got lots of good things for our company tomorrow night . We are having grilled burgers , ( I have to remember to get more propane for the grill . . . ) , coneys , salad , and maybe some fries . I bought 5 pounds of strawberries , Mirielle said she would make shortcake . I also bought two cans of spray whipped cream . . . yum . And M & M 's . . . . . and chips and dip . . . . I was quite bad , I guess . And cheat - y , too . I bought a one - hundred pack of Dixie plates , and a package of the non - tippy clear plastic cups . Because : we could possibly have 20 of us for dinner . Do we have twenty matching plates ? ha . Cups ? ha . . ha . . . our cups look awful , too , because of our hard water . . . they have that stuff all over them . . . anyway , this will be way easier . We made a stop in the bathroom in the grocery store , Camille loves using " bye - bye toilets " . . . . but she still pooped in her pull - up while we were unloading the groceries at home . At least it was a pull - up and not undies again . She is not my best potty - trainer , but I don 't mind so much . At least I say that NOW , when she is napping and I am sitting here writing . . . but when she poops in her undies and the poops fall out . . . . . or when she pees on our nice little rug . . . . it isn 't all happy and fine - with - me . . . . in fact , itPosted by I have lots of pictures to put up , but not much time this morning . We are going to clean up the house a little bit . " We " being Evelyn , who somehow missed the bus this morning , and Sonja , who somehow didn 't get up until the bus left . We are having company for dinner tomorrow night , and need to go to the store . While I have these enthusiastic helpers , I want to get a few things done around here . I spent many hours Friday cleaning and polishing and dusting around here . . . now one would never know it . The window behind the bench where the well - mannered children sit is smeary again . ? ? ? There are clothes on the couch again , a few towels draped around , the girls ' new raincoats are on the dog - crate , along with yesterday 's newpaper , two hairbrushes , and a bible . And my purse . Any surface is game for clutter , and I do not like it . It is a continuous battle , and sometimes I just feel like giving up and saying , " Okay kids , you want to live in a slobhouse , fine . . . " Okay , I HAVE said that . Evelyn has already started cleaning under one of the living room chairs . . . . okay , a refridgerator magnet , the empty garlic powder container - all chewed up , a baby shoe , some Thomas train track , a circus coupon , a small plastic hanger , a dolly , a naked Barbie , a Fisher - Price Little People car , and a pretzel . That is just under ONE chair . We have my chair , and two couches to go . . . . and it could take a while because Evelyn is just sitting there reading the circus ticket . She is like me , easily distracted . Charlotte and Camille are eating breakfast with Sonja , and I should get moving . . . . this thing is a time burner . But oh , I have so much to say ! ! Maybe later . . . . . Joseph invited four friends over for his birthday . I hadn 't planned very well , so I found burgers in the freezer . Paul grilled them and they were too freezerburned . Tasted awful . So he grilled the three pound bag of coneys , which isn 't enough , so I got out three bags of chicken nuggets . . . . . I couldn 't put them in the oven yet because I had put cakes in there . . . . anyway , this story DOES have a point . . . . the boys took a coney and some wafflefries , and left to go to a movie ! Now I have two full trays of nuggets baking , and a cake cooling on the counter , and Joseph and his friends are gone . . . . 19 years ago today was my due date for my fifth child . . . . . anyway , that day was hot . . . we were in the middle of a rare May heatwave , 90 + degrees out , and humid . We lived in a mobile home , and it was just too hot in there for a pregnant mommy . . . so , we decided to go to the mall . The big mall in the big city . Emily Anne was in kindergarten , we took Abigail Marie , 4 , Benjamin Paul , 2 , and Mirielle Joy , 15 months . Cheryl 's Katie and Becky were also in school , so she brought Susan , just turned 5 , Claire , 3 , and Janet , 14 months . ( she was 4 months along with Ellen , her number six ) . . . and I had a " helper " , who was 18 or 19 , named Irene . Off we went . . . well , we were halfway there when I realized my contractions were 5 minutes apart . . . . so we turned around and went to the hospital , all of us ! We walked in with those six kids , I was 4 centimeters with steady contractions , so I was staying . Cheryl and Irene left with the kids , Paul came from work , and by the end of the day we had a baby . He was 8 pounds ten ounces , and he was born in two simple pushes , just like magic . He was so beautiful . . . . he was as relaxed at birth as he is now . He stretched right out and I couldn 't keep him swaddled for anything . He was a good baby . . . which was a good thing . . . . we started building this house when he was newborn , and moved in when he was eleven months old . . . Paul used to go straight from work to the building site , so we didn 't see him much . I had to fix up the moPosted by " There was a little girl , who had a little curl , right in the middle of her forehead . . . . When she was good , she was very very good . . . . But when she was bad she was horrid ! " ( I do not know who wrote that , but whoever it was : Genius ! ) This morning was pleasant enough . . . . a walk with Rosie in the breezy cloudy warmth , enjoying my lilacs in the front yard . I always stop to smell them , I just close my eyes and smell and smell and smell . . . it makes me think of my mother , very powerfully . I wish they bloomed all year long , they just blossomed and are thinking of fading already . I made omelets and eggs and sausage and juice and English muffins for breakfast for those of us who were home . Abigail went shopping with Mali , Margaret , Kathryn , Evelyn , and a few of their friends . Benjamin is still sleeping , Mirielle is in Detroit . . . so it was a smallish crew . Just Paul and I and Joseph , Aaron , Samuel , Suzanne , Sonja , Jonathan , Charlotte Claire , and Camille . We have lots of things to do around here , and when I say " we " , I mean Paul . The hose doesn 't work . . . well , it works , but it gets more water down in the basement than it does out the hose . He is working on that today , which means he is at the hardware store with Jonathan . I have been bugging him a bit about the hot tub , but he says he will get the pool going first . Those are just the ones off the top of my head , without getting into the edging of the window he put in a few years back , or the screen repairs or the automatic ice maker . . . . . Paul has so very little time , that I try to really not sweat the small stuff , and just be glad for what does get done around here . I do love him and don 't want to give into that nagging and pushing for things . I like to see him be able to relax with his guitar sometimes . One thing I have found is when I keep it more organized and picked up in here , it is less stressful , and he is more relaxed . Today I am going to my nephew 's wedding . I didn 't find anything nice to wear while shopping yesterday . Well , I found lots of nice things , but nothing cheap e16 blessings ' mom Because I am insane , or because I just wondered what it would be like , I took these two shopping today all by myself . Now , there was a time I took my kids everywhere by myself , but now I am spoiled and usually have at least Sonja or Suze to help me buckle carseats . Anyway , they were excited to go . They had a bath first , which turned out to be the bubble bath of their life , as they used a few bottles of shampoo and all of the baby soap . Then we waited around for Camille to poop first , which did not happen . As soon as we got on the road , they started wondering if Kohl 's had a bathroom . As soon as we got in the store , they wanted to find it . Imagine their delight when we entered the " Family " bathroom , and found this : A tiny little child - sized toilet ! ! ! Yes , I know she will kill me when she grows up , but it is just SO cute . I never saw a kids so happy about a toilet before . It WAS cute . Charlotte Claire couldn 't wait to have a turn on it . So we shopped . . . I found a shirt for Joseph , one for Sam , and some things for the girls . . . but nothing for me . . . then we went to Aldi for gummy bears and apples and juice and milk and veggies . . . . . back to the van to head home . . . but UH - OH , Mommy made a big mistake : Mommy OPENED Camille 's gummy bears , and CAMILLE WANTED TO OPEN THEM ! ! ! Oh dear ! ! She took the bag and threw it , so I just started to drive . Charlotte Claire started screaming that Camille took her arms out . . . . . and at that very moment , a HUGE spider came into my view , right on my sunvisor , moving fast . . . . panic ! ! ! I pulled over , grabbed a napkin , squished it , and threw it right out the window , napkin and all . Oops , I really broke my own rule here . I NEVER litter like that . Maybe an apple core on a country road , but . . . . . a McDonald 's napkin ? There is an exception to every rule , however , and this was an EMERGENCY . I cannot have half - squished spiders inside the van , I wouldn 't be able to drive ! I would be glancing down for wiggling legs . . . ugh . Anyway , I had to climb back and get Miss Temper Tantrum 's arms back in her straps . She stiPosted by I am a stay at home mom with 16 kids , no twins , Army mom , wife to Paul ( still crazy about him ! ! ! ) . . . 8 kids are still at home . . . . the kids : Emily 31 , Abigail 30 , Benjamin 28 ( his wife Ashley and our granddaughter Anya 3 ) , Mariel 26 , Joseph 25 , Aaron 24 , MollyRose 22 ( and granddaughter Lydia , 1 ) , Samuel 21 , Margaret 20 ( and son - in - law Adrian ! ) , Kathryn 18 , Evelyn 17 , Suzanne 15 , Sonja 14 , Jonathan 12 , Charlotte Claire 10 , and Camille 9 . Help for life can be found at www . activechristianity . com , which is a great source of encouragement for me . View my complete profile
We seem to have adopted a dog . Just what we need . He came here on Friday , and has shown no signs of packing his bags . He sleeps in Ben 's room at night , and just hangs around here during the day like he has been here all his life . He is a black lab mix , he sits and shakes and lies down , comes when called , and hasn 't gone near the road or shown any signs of running off . He gets along with Rosie like they have been raised together , and is gentle with the kids . He hasn 't jumped up on anyone , or even growled . So Benjamin has been asking around to find out where he belongs , and tonight he talked to some people from down the highway a ways , and they think he the dog of an older kid who left the house when his mom left his dad . The people do not think the Mr . of the house liked the dog or was kind to it , and that is all I will write here because I don 't know who reads this . The Mr . was not home when Ben checked , but it was before he heard the dog 's story . . . . so now he is hesitant to go back again when Mr . is at home , because from all the neighbors ' accounts , Mr . has not looked for dog or asked around for him , and is not a very good owner . So . . . . . do we give dog back to Mr . anyways ? Yes , I know , it all points to YES , it might all be heresay , and if it is his dog , then we have no right to keep him . But then again , we did not steal this dog , HE came to US . For all we know , they dropped him off , and he found our happy family before he found his way back home again . Our kids just love him , Glen Cocoa they named him . . . . if you haven 't watched the movie , " Mean Girls " , the name means nothing . . . . Tonight , we have two doggies sprawled out on the living room floor , relaxing . Anyway . . . . . the weather here in the Northeast has been nothing short of glorious . Ninety degrees and sunny today . I went in the pool and passed out popsicles to the kids . The pool water is so warm they had to be careful not to let their popscicles go under . Poplar trees grow fast , and there are several near our pool . . . . that means lots and lots of tree fluff . It has bPosted by Camille - The - Helpless is in bed now . . . . . . Charlotte Claire is in bed now . . . . Paul is so tired he is relaxed on the couch , which is nice . . . he usually is the Energizer Bunny , even when he is tired . This weekend has been so busy . . . 1 . I took Mali to the dr . Friday morning . . . . then to Lowe 's for plants for her garden . . . . then to Walmart for a prescription for a new inhaler . . . she has excercise induced asthma . . . . . 2 . We went out to bake our cookies , all 786 of them , which took five hours from start to finish . 3 . Saturday we went to the soccer tournament , lost each and every game , but jumped up and down and screamed with joy when the team made one goal . Yes , one goal for all the games . It is all relative . 4 . I sold candy , and helped served the fajita dinners to almost 800 people . 5 . We left to go home after the little girls almost fell apart , yet they asked WHY we had to go home . . . . 6 . This morning Paul left before we were even up to make and serve breakfast at the conference center . . . Mirielle brought the soccer players out for the " losers " tournament . . . . I brought the younger kids out and opened the candy store for a few hours . . . . 7 . Our whole family ( except Joseph and Aaron , who were working ) went to my niece 's graduation party . . . . . hot dogs and burgers and coneys and chicken / mushroom / tomato kabobs and cake and pie and those little bags of chips . The kids loved those . 8 . They have a tetherball pole , and it was so much fun . I played against Emily . . . . and lost . 9 . After the party , I was hot and tired , but mostly hot . . . so we went in the pool for a little swim . . . . . . 10 . Popcorn and stories . Tomorrow is Memorial Day . . . . . Margaret and Samuel will march in the small local parade , and perhaps we will pack up and go to the bigger parade a few towns over in the afternoon . . . . Yeah , so I am tired tonight . Tired but happy . I have found that friends are the most important part of life , and have realized more how lucky I am . I have also noticed , by the grace of God , that being faithful in my thoughts not to judge and criticize is what preserves those friPosted by Jonathan loves Charlotte Claire 's birthday trike , even more than she does . Like all that cereal ? There WERE three more boxes , but guess what we had for dinner last night ? My newborn , I mean my temporarily mobility disabled two - year - old slept all night last night , in her own bed ! Well , now , I cannot call it a " bed " exactly . . . . her pack ' n play - mattress - with - two - big - comforters - on - top - of - it bed . The first time she slept on it , after her little green bed broke , I asked her in the morning how she liked her new bed . She misunderstood me and asked excitedly , " Did I get a new bed , is it outside ? " And Charlotte Claire answered , " No , she means your pile - of - blankets bed . " Why does that make me want to cry ? As far as I am concerned , she is fine in the pile - of - blankets bed for a little bit . . . I am thinking to maybe add her to the Suzanne - Sonja - Jonathan bedroom instead of putting her in with Light On All Night Charlotte Claire . . . . This morning , in fact in like 45 minutes , I have an appointment in the small city for Miss Mali , because she hurt her hip running track , and has been walking around in pain . . . . she took a week off from running , but it didn 't get better , so off we go to have it checked out . Yesterday I got all the ingredients for the 800 cookies we are going to bake today . Six 72 ounce bags of Nestle chips . . . . and no , this won 't make me sick of chocolate chip cookies . I tweak the regular recipe , adding half shortening and half real butter . I also use a 2 to 1 ratio of brown sugar to white , and use real vanilla . So obviously I have sat here longer than I should have , I have to be out the door in eight minutes . Mirielle is staying here with the kids , I am so spoiled . I did take Miss Camille - The - Helpless with me yesterday though , and she was fine . She got french fries and Tinkerbell fruit snacks , so of course she was fine . Benjamin . . . when he puts his mind to it , he is amazing ! ( aren 't the trees pretty out the window in the background ? ) . . . . . yes , I am easily distracted . . . anyway , Benjamin was the number one babysitter last night , he didn 't go to his friend 's grandmother 's house after all . He was going to make the kids hot dogs on the grill , but SURPRISE , Mirielle had taken the gas bottle with her to the dinner the girls were putting on . . . . so Ben was the ultimate babysitter : he built a fire out back and they roasted their hot dogs . They also had corn and green beans , AND roasted marshmallows . When we got home , the first thing Charlotte Claire said to me was , " We had marshmallows ! " Except for Miss C . C . , the kids were all tucked into bed by a little after nine , and sleeping when we got home . And this morning they were happy , telling me about their fire . Benjamin , 21 , Joseph , 19 , and Samuel , 14 , are good babysitters ! ! ! Of course there is a down side , which I am not complaining about , but just to keep it real . . . the house was a mess . Not just because of them , it was nice out yesterday , I hung lots of clothes out on the deck to dry , and didn 't bring them in before I left so I did it when I got home last night , the floors HAD beens swept yesterday . . . but . The counters . . . rrr . And so on . I seriously don 't expect them to clean and take such nice care of the kids . . . . somehow I am suppposed to , but I don 't always do a great job either . So I have learned a little mercy . And thankfully , to hold my tongue a bit , so I don 't come in the door and just see the things that are out of place and start growling . Evelyn Joy skipped school this fine day . She says they aren 't doing anything in school . I find that slightly hard to believe , but she has tons of energy and says she is going to help me today . She has already cleaned up the living room and is now preparing her fishbowl . I promised her two goldfish . She thinks they will actually defy the odds stacked against goldfish that enter our home , and survive . hmm . She is using a huge Snyder 's Pretzel tub for herPosted by Sonja Kathleen . . . . her hair is straight from her Gramma . . . . so thick and curly and red . . . . Aaron Charlotte Claire and CamilleAnticipating going in the pool . . the water is warm , the sun is hot . . . and yay for waterproof casts ! Here is a nice picture of me with my nine youngest . . . Margaret holding Camille , Sam standing in back with Suze in front of him , Evelyn holding Charlotte Claire , me with Jonathan in front of me , Kathryn next to me , and Sonja K . Yes , we just sit in the sun and swim and have a good old time . Well , not really . I did laundry and swept and sorted through the wet clothes on the laundry room floor from the outtake pipe getting knocked out of it 's socket , and flooding my clean clothes . . . in this heat , one cannot ignore wet clothes . And then there is Camille - The - Helpless , who WANTS YOU , MOMMY ! The school kids got picked up early , and out in the pool we went . . . . popsicles in the pool , heavenly . When we had enough sun , we came infor a movie and a rest and some cheez - its and cookies and pear and apple slices and carrots . I do not have to make dinner tonight . Paul and I are going to a dinner put on by the youth girls , to help fund their trip to the ocean this year , and just so we can get together having a good time . Of course the kids here ( Joseph , Samuel , Evelyn , Suzanne , Sonja , Jonathan , Charlotte Claire ) should probably eat dinner too . . . . so I should think of something for them . . . . Ben went to his friend 's grandmother 's house , Emily , Abigail , Mirielle , Mali , Margaret , and Kathryn will be preparing and serving the dinner , and Aaron is at work . And I think I will take Miss Camille - The - Helpless with us . . . . just because . I might as well spoil her all the way . No , really I think it will be too hard for Joe and Sam , because she needs lots of care right now . . . . and because I love her and want to bring her with me . Camille ended up in bed with mommy last night . She cried every few minutes . . . . it has been a while since I have endured that kind of interrupted sleep . Wow , it is difficult . Even when she was in bed with me , she cried and fussed several times . . . I finally gave her more Tylenol , and around six o ' clock she settled down . . . and I had to get up at seven . So despite feeling like a zombie today , I managed to be quite busy . I left before 8am to go with my brother Bob to buy food for the 700 + dinners that our church is serving on Saturday . I got home , snuggled fussy Camille for an hour or so , and off we were to the orthopaedic dr . The waiting room waiting was punctuated by taking Camille to the bathroom twice , and getting to know the old lady sitting next to me . She said she had five children , and she would rather have taken the first four shopping , than the last ONE . . . . because the youngest was a " hellion " . Hmm . sounds familiar . Even though I love my two little girls tremendously , they do give me a run for my money . Since some of you kindly informed me that they do indeed make waterproof casts , which surprised me because I was totally kidding , I asked about it today , and yes , for a mere $ 25 extra , she can swim and bathe and play in the hose . As long as she doesn 't walk on it , that is . It seems that she broke an important bone , a support bone , and if she walks on it , it is bad . " But , " the dr . assured me , " It is hard to keep a two year old from walking , so if she does it will probably be okay . " . . . hmmm . So far she hasn 't even wanted to venture down . . . . but I am thinking tomorrow she will be crawling with it , which I will be sure to video , the poor thing , but when Charlotte Claire broke her ankle , she started her mobility with crawling like a soldier , right down on her belly . It was pathetic and hilarious and her brothers delighted in it . We went grocery - ing , just for a few things like milk and bread and bananas and popscicles and chicken and toothpaste and carrots . I let Kathryn , Evelyn , and Suzanne go to the bulk foods and pick ouPosted by Camille Anaya , who is two years old , broke her leg . So she gets midnight cereal on the couch . It 's a good thing I have learned a thing or two these years , like having emergency pretzels in my purse . We were at the emergency room for almost six hours . This whole thing just proves my theory : When I don 't wash my hair and I really KNOW I should , but try to skip a day , something like this happens . When I realized that yes , this child seriously is hurt , and I have to take her to the hospital , the first thing I said was , yes you guessed it , " My hair is dirty ! " . . . . but I lived . She was on the trampoline with the kids . . . . Jon ran and jumped on top of someone , and accidentally tripped her , and fell on her . . . . The resident dr . who looked at her first didn 't think it was broken , he said there is a huge lump on the back of her calf , and sometimes bruises hurt badly . Well , she would not stand on it . Then the REAL dr . came in , and felt the leg , and said the same thing , but we should do an xray just in case . . . then , VOILA ! broken right under the knee . She has a nice splint on it , and cannot walk on it , good thing there are plenty of carriers around here . . . . I have to take her in tomorrow to see what the orthopaedist wants to do for her . . . . . wah , probably no more swimming pool for her for a while . . . poor child . . . unless they have perhaps invented waterproof casts . . . She is tired and we have to go to bed . . . . but remember , keep that hair clean , and your kids won 't break their legs ! ! ! It is scrumptiously deliciously wonderful outside right now . I took Rosie out this morning , and we were out by the edge of the yard , where the grass is higher and the little creek runs . The birds of course were singing , and a bee was buzzing around . The sky is totally blue , and the leaves and grass are still that young tender shade of green . And this is what I thought : I do not want to send the kids to school today ! It should be summer . It is going to be in the eighties today , what do they really need to learn ? I am thinking to keep them home tomorrow . I haven 't said anything about it yet , but I am thinking . It is supposed to be near ninety degrees . I already told them I would be waiting in the back near the pool with snacks when they get home today . Last evening , one of the things I had to do was to clean up from dinner and put away the pizza . . . . well , Aaron came home and unloaded , loaded , ran the dishwasher , put all the pizza away in a big container , and cleared the counters . . . . without even being asked . I was so thankful ! Not for the work he had done , but the work that must be going on in his seventeen year old heart , to do something like that . Now no disrespect to Aaron , I love him to pieces , but he isn 't what one would call a " big help " . Usually , all I have to do is say his name , and he answers , " What ? ? ? ! " in that dreading voice , certain I am asking him to do something . Well , they all got on the bus this morning . And I have tons of work to do . I don 't seem to learn that when I am busy all weekend and slack off on laundry and housework , it grows to monsterous proportions , too big to shake a stick at . The kids rooms are messy , the bathroom needs a scrubbing . . . . . the clothes pile on the couch is still a small monster , but this mommy better attack it before it is too late . Now that the swimming season is in swing again , I had to remind the kids to fold up their clothes and put them on their beds when they change into their suits . . . . it looked like someone had played hip - hip - hooray with a big pile of clothes , they wePosted by after the amazing feat of getting out the door for church with all the other people who live here , except Benjamin , along with sandwiches and drinks and little baggies of chips and pretzels , since we were staying after for a soccer pep rally . . . . and coming home to the pool being ready to swim . . . . . and swimming with the little ones , which really consisted of me skimming the bottom for leaves and solving the hog - the - ladder - top fights . . . . . I am tired . I sat in the sun after the three youngest were done with the water , pushing Camille on the swing and singing her songs and talking to Jonathan and keeping an eye on Suzanne and Sonja , who were still swimming . I was planning on making chocolate chip cookies for the girls gathering this evening , but Mirielle ended up doing it . I did make three pizzas , no sauce , just butter and garlic and cheese and diced tomatoes and bacon , with bacon on one too . Unbelieveably good . I gave the kids their pizza in the living room at their little table , while watching " 102 Dalmations " . Joseph , Aaron , and Sam are with the boys from church , and all the older girls are at the girls gathering . Benjamin is at work , so just Evelyn , Suzanne , Sonja , Jonathan , Charlotte Claire , Camille , Paul and I are here . I am resting with my feet up , and I could seriously fall asleep . It is warm out today , very pleasant and sunny and breezy , probably around 80 degrees . I am thinking that I have to send the kids to school this week , and no fair , I want summer vacation to start now ! We just plain know how to have fun . And I don 't think they would be any less smart if I just pulled them out right now and started on with vacationing . Too bad I would get in trouble . . . they learn so much just being here . Camille was making " teeny tiny baby " c " s , Mommy " today with a red crayon and a piece of paper . And lots of " ones " , too . Of course , she made one squiggle and said it was an " f " , and it didn 't really look like one . Life doesn 't always go like I think it should go , and sometimes it is downright painful . But I can always , alwaPosted by Joseph helped do tons of dishes after the wedding . . . Esther and Tim . . . . . young and lovely . Abigail with Charlotte ClaireEmily Anne taking a little break from preparing the food . She likes being in the kitchen . Kathryn , Emily , and Joseph Abigail , Kathryn , Evelyn , Margaret . . . and the flower girl , Charlotte ClaireCharlotte Claire with Esther and Tim in the recieving line . . . It was a nice day , nice wedding . . . . very encouraging and sweet . Posted by Mali and SamuelJonathan didn 't seem to notice that Samuel had a nice tux on . . . he brought out all his Hess trucks to show him . And speaking of lovely , Miss Camille AnayaMiss Charlotte ClaireAnd the lovely Miss Rosie - The - Bad - Dog . . . She 's lucky she 's cute . Leaving for the prom time sort of sneaked up on me , so when Sam came over . . . . the deck was messy and the shoe area was messy , the dog wouldn 't stop barking . . . and Mali wasn 't ready yet . Sam was nervous , and Mali 's hands were shaking . . . we took our pictures and off they went . . . . . phew . There is NEVER a dull moment around here . Now that I have cried and cried about my mother , I feel a little better . I have stayed home all day , except for going to pick Aaron up at school . No , he isn 't sick , but it is prom - night day , and the high school tends to be quite empty in the afternoon . I had just put my bathing suit top on to sit in the sun when Mirielle informed me that I had to call to pick him up . The school secretary was hesitant about me picking him up when he wasn 't going to the prom . . . . . she put me on hold . I decided while I waited to be nice no matter what , but to insist on bringing him home , because it is no fair that the promgoers got legal excuses to leave halfday . . . . but she just said " Okay , just come in and sign him out . " . . . . so Mirielle couldn 't go in , I had to get dressed again and go . . . . We spent most of the day on the deck talking and sunning and watching the kids play with the hose , now that it is fixed . Their little pool is cracked , we have had it for at least 10 or 12 years . . . . . so they had just pails of water to fill and dump and play in . And the sprinkler . It is 81 degrees today , and just lovely . Camille came into the house at one point , and took off her bathing suit and put on a giant pair of undies . Next thing I know , she is back outside playing in the water in the saggy baggy undies . Okay . . . . but then she took them off ! No , no little butt cheeks out in the front yard ! ! It was time for a pull up and some chocolate milk and a nap . She is not sleeping , but she is singing some nice little songs . . . hopefully while lying nicely in her little green bed , and not while getting into my stuff . It is a popscicle day , a grassy feet day since the lawn was mowed yesterday , and the neighbor is mowing so it sounds summery , too . The kids are having some downtime with ice cream sandwiches and " Curious George . " Yesterday was an adventure . I went to school to talk to Sam 's teachers , and we think he will do okay . He knows his stuff , he just has to do the work . Then I went into the cafeteria and visited Jonathan at his lunch table . He pointed to the girPosted by May 22nd . The last time she had a birthday was four years ago , when she turned 69 . It makes me mad sometimes , that she only got to live for 69 years , she enjoyed life more than anyone I have ever met . Waiting in line , sitting at home , she did not get bored . I am crying alot lately , even though it has been so long since she died . . . because it is springtime , and Lilac time , and she loved Lilacs . I have a Lilac bush in the front yard , and every day I stop and bury my face in it , and remember her . I keep bringing in fresh sprigs for the vase next to my kitchen sink . How can one stop missing someone ? I talked to her every single day after the kids got on the bus for all those years . I called her when I got home from the store , because she cared what I got for 75 % off . She cared about the old lady who was giving out lemonade samples , and the cashier who remembered Casey . I called her sometimes when I was making dinner , she knew if a dented can was dangerous or how long to soak the beans . I called her when Paul was at a meeting in the evening , or if one of the kids bumped their head or fell off their bike . Whenever Paul was away at a conference or had to work on a Saturday , I was at her house with all the kids . She was the best garage sale companion ever ! Once she bought the whole remains of a garage sale that the guy just wanted to get rid of . She had all this stuff at her house , happy as can be to give it all to us . . . . now , I wanted to be getting RID of stuff , not getting more , but I let the kids take messy - haired dolls and old board games with scrunchy boxes and some of those much - loved stuffed animals that every mother wants more and more of . . . . I just remember how happy she was that she had all that stuff to give the kids . I thought it would get easier with time . But it hasn 't . I wear her wedding band on my right hand , ( and it really messes me up because for years I knew LEFT was the hand I had my ring on . . . now . . . oh my goodness , am I the only adult in the world who just blanks each and every time ? I blame it on my kinPosted by Things that test my patience : 1 . Chapstick in pockets in the laundry . 2 . Eating while walking around , dropping crumb trails . 3 . Unattended drinks left in dangerous places . ( like on the table where the Wii and dvd player are ) 4 . The dog 's leash not being placed in it 's usual spot . 5 . Those who think it is okay to wear their shoes across the floor because they are in a hurry . 6 . Dirty socks found in various places . What , are they planning on wearing them again ? Why oh why can they not just go straight to the hamper ? Do they think dirty socks look NICE on top of the rolltop desk ? 7 . Sharing my vacuum cleaner . I seem to have a special talent for emptying it and wrapping up the cord properly . 8 . Dishes placed into the sink without getting rinsed off . 9 . Clothes taken from the dryer and plopped on the couch . 10 . Unflushed toilets . 11 . Uncapped toothpaste . 12 . Toothpaste all over the bathroom counter and in the sink . 13 . Eating or drinking at the computer table . 14 . Jackets and backpacks strewn mindlessly . Okay , one or two would be no big deal . . . but 6 or 7 . . . . rrr . 15 . Empty cereal boxes or cardboard put on the kitchen floor next to the garbage can instead of in the bin on the deck . 16 . Sections of the newspaper left in the bathroom . 17 . Being told the cat has no food . Hasn 't had any in one or two days , perhaps . 18 . Ice cube trays with one ice cube . 19 . Playing " find the phone " . 20 . Playing " find the tv remote " . 21 . Playing " find the hairbrush " . 22 . Discovering there is only one egg in the carton . Or none . 23 . Having 5 open tubs of soft margarine in the refridgerator . 24 . When one teenager rolls his eyes at me and another teenager gives that subtle nod of agreement that Mom is being ridiculous . 25 . When they say , " I HEARD you ! " , yet they do everything wrong . 26 . Hearing , " My shoes are to small , I don 't have ANYTHING to wear today ! " Obviously this list could be very very long . So I must balance it out . . . Things I love . . . . 1 . When one of the kids apologizes . 2 . When Rosie actually comes when I call her . 3 . Seeing someone take out the garbage without bPosted by I did something today that I haven 't done in a while : I took a nap . I fell fast asleep , well , after the kids stopped crashing into my door and slamming around in the hall . Mirielle took them outside , and I slept . I woke up and was surprised that only an hour had passed , so I fell back to sleep . . . . after a half an hour , Emily called my cell phone to make sure I sent notes to school , as she is picking some of her sisters up early for some fun . I decided I better get up . . . . it was a very yummy and worthwhile nap . Mirielle and I gave the kids lunch on the deck , but the sun just wouldn 't come out and shine on us . The clouds would move by and let the sun tease us just a bit , then back they came . I had prepared a hamburger with lettuce and tomato , to eat on the deck . We were streaming out the door when UH - OH , Camille peed a nice big puddle on the bench and onto the floor . Okay , cleaned her up and cleaned up the mess . . . . . and RRR ! Rosie - the - bad - dog reached her little face right up on that shelf near the door and stole my burger right off the bun ! She KNEW it was bad , she just couldn 't help herself . I yelled NO , and she settled down to the floor with her head down , oh - so - sorry . . . . . ha . She would do it again in a minute , sneaky dog . It has been nice having Jonathan home today . They have been playing one continuous game of " house " , they had babies in their tummies , they pretended Charlotte Claire was the maid , they are here yet in another world . I love it when kids do this . Camille is taking a nap , or at least she is all tucked into her little green bed . Whether she goes to sleep or just comes back out here in a half an hour with all her clothes off is anyone 's guess . I am going to make some homemade macaroni and cheese for dinner . Suzanne needs sneakers for gym . She has some of those nice shoe / sneakers , that I think are fine , they have traction on the bottom and fit her nicely . Her gym teacher says they are NOT sneakers , and makes her wear sneakers from the gross sneaker box . She has been stuffing her feet into her older floral Posted by So we had three guests for dinner . . . . . then the evening invite was open , so our friends from church could come over if they wanted to . There were 21 for dinner , then six more friends came for the evening . We fit easily into the living room with some of the younger ones sitting on comforters on the floor . The gathering was casual , yet very encouraging . The kids sang a song , and we heard a really good story . . . . A seventeen year old girl who was in the middle of many struggles , including whether to follow her own way or follow God , was in school one day . The math teacher asked the kids to close their books , and asked them a random question . He said , " Raise your hand if you have never seen your parents fight . " This 17 year old girl was the only one who raised her hand . Her teacher asked her after class if she realized how blessed she was to be raised in a home where there was no fighting . She thought and thought about that . . . . and that night , she came to the conclusion that that was the life she wanted to live herself , so she went to her parents , apologized for the difficult times she had given them , and decided to be converted . A boy in her class was so impressed with the change in her , that HE started to come to the church and HE was also converted , along with his father and a few of his brothers . All because of a question from a math teacher . . . . Our children don 't fully realize how good they have it , to be born into a family that WANTS them , loves them , and to parents who lay their own lives down for their children . And also they are born into the church , where there is goodness and help and warmth and love and fellowship . So our evening was fun and warm and the kids stayed up way too late . I tried to sleep , and even though I am so tired I just couldn 't sleep . I think it was because I knew Miss Emily was still here , talking to Mirielle . . . . so I got back up and talked to them for a while , 2 : 30 again . They are planning a youth girls ' trip to the ocean , and are doing a dinner next week to raise some money to help defray thPosted by I washed my hair . I washed the couch covers , but haven 't put them back on yet . I vacuumed under all the furniture . I washed the screen door , inside and out . I washed one of the throw rugs , vacuumed the kitchen , and over near the door , and ate some cake . I just realized all I ate today so far was cake . So I took a pear and some cold sausage in a baggie , and sat down and put my feet up . Aah , it feels nice . The little girls are watching " Calliou " , Mirielle is making the shortcake for strawberry shortcake . . . and I am planning what to do next . . . I don 't know whether straightening the bookcases or mopping the floors is of priority . I would rather do both , but . . . . I also cleared in front of the laundry room door so it can close . I wish I liked excercising more . If I was in better shape , this wouldn 't be a big deal . But I could crawl into bed and sleep like a baby for like three hours right now . And my feet hurt . And my knees , and my back . Ha , poor me . The thing is , I am very excited to be having company . It is always worth it , although I must say as I get older , it does cost me more to get ready . Well , as much as I like to sit here and relax , I think I will straighten the bookcases . . . . I cannot mop until the girls are otherwise occupied or napping , they will slip and fall . But I am tired ! ! ! I went to bed at a decent time last night like a good girl . . . . . even fell asleep somewhat quickly , then I heard Rosie bark . . . . once . . . twice . . . I came out here to see what was wrong with her . . . . Aaron and Mali were sitting on the kitchen floor talking and playing with her . It was midnight . Emily and Mirielle were on the computer trying to figure out where they are going to go this summer , the four of them and maybe Abigail or Sam . . . . Maine , or North Carolina , or Chesapeake Bay . . . . . they are so funny . I got Aaron to take the dog out one last time for me , and I rested on the couch for a few minutes . Benjamin was playing video games , and listening to the five of them talk and fool around was more than heart - warming . I simply wasn 't tired anymore , and didn 't want to go back to bed and toss and turn . So I stayed up and talked to Emily and Mirielleand Benjamin after the other two went to bed . For Emily , it is daytime . And it was Mirielle 's very last day of finals for the semester , so they COULD stay up . We solved all the world 's problems , and I got in bed at two thirty . ugh , I woke up at 6 : 58 , and I was sorely tempted to just roll over and go back to sleep and forget all about school this morning . So we ate the chicken nuggets last night , with some nice salad and carrots and celery and dip , and pop fresh biscuits . Then we sang the birthday song to Joseph with some candles , mostly because Camille absolutely delights in it ! The older kids were pretty thankful when Benjamin came in from work with a pizza ! Needless to say , it was history pretty quickly . It was so nice to have some time to visit with Emily without the little kids monopolizing her ! Oh , they love her so much . She never tells me details or names or specifics , she is very careful about that , but sometimes she tells me about general situation in her life as a nurse on the critical care floor . . . . the other night , two people died on her shift . They were a man and a woman , with eerily similar deaths as my parents . . . . . the man was dying and was extubated andPosted by I changed my mind , and went to the store instead . Well , two stores . But first a trip to Gramma and Grampa 's house . Both their cars were in the driveway , so we stopped in to bug them for a little while , and they seemed very pleased . Charlotte Claire and Camille were well behaved , and of course had to pee in Gramma 's bathroom , it is just too exciting . I enjoy Paul 's parents so much these days . They are SO funny and so sincere and their house is nice and clean and clutterfree . . . Next stop was Aldi , mostly for those fresh fruits and veggies , and frozen orange juice . Then , since my gas light was on , I stopped for gas . . . ouch , three bucks a gallon . I only put twelve dollars in . . . . The whole time , the little girls were begging to go to Kohl 's so they could use the little toilet again . We went to Wegman 's , where we got lots of good things for our company tomorrow night . We are having grilled burgers , ( I have to remember to get more propane for the grill . . . ) , coneys , salad , and maybe some fries . I bought 5 pounds of strawberries , Mirielle said she would make shortcake . I also bought two cans of spray whipped cream . . . yum . And M & M 's . . . . . and chips and dip . . . . I was quite bad , I guess . And cheat - y , too . I bought a one - hundred pack of Dixie plates , and a package of the non - tippy clear plastic cups . Because : we could possibly have 20 of us for dinner . Do we have twenty matching plates ? ha . Cups ? ha . . ha . . . our cups look awful , too , because of our hard water . . . they have that stuff all over them . . . anyway , this will be way easier . We made a stop in the bathroom in the grocery store , Camille loves using " bye - bye toilets " . . . . but she still pooped in her pull - up while we were unloading the groceries at home . At least it was a pull - up and not undies again . She is not my best potty - trainer , but I don 't mind so much . At least I say that NOW , when she is napping and I am sitting here writing . . . but when she poops in her undies and the poops fall out . . . . . or when she pees on our nice little rug . . . . it isn 't all happy and fine - with - me . . . . in fact , itPosted by I have lots of pictures to put up , but not much time this morning . We are going to clean up the house a little bit . " We " being Evelyn , who somehow missed the bus this morning , and Sonja , who somehow didn 't get up until the bus left . We are having company for dinner tomorrow night , and need to go to the store . While I have these enthusiastic helpers , I want to get a few things done around here . I spent many hours Friday cleaning and polishing and dusting around here . . . now one would never know it . The window behind the bench where the well - mannered children sit is smeary again . ? ? ? There are clothes on the couch again , a few towels draped around , the girls ' new raincoats are on the dog - crate , along with yesterday 's newpaper , two hairbrushes , and a bible . And my purse . Any surface is game for clutter , and I do not like it . It is a continuous battle , and sometimes I just feel like giving up and saying , " Okay kids , you want to live in a slobhouse , fine . . . " Okay , I HAVE said that . Evelyn has already started cleaning under one of the living room chairs . . . . okay , a refridgerator magnet , the empty garlic powder container - all chewed up , a baby shoe , some Thomas train track , a circus coupon , a small plastic hanger , a dolly , a naked Barbie , a Fisher - Price Little People car , and a pretzel . That is just under ONE chair . We have my chair , and two couches to go . . . . and it could take a while because Evelyn is just sitting there reading the circus ticket . She is like me , easily distracted . Charlotte and Camille are eating breakfast with Sonja , and I should get moving . . . . this thing is a time burner . But oh , I have so much to say ! ! Maybe later . . . . . Joseph invited four friends over for his birthday . I hadn 't planned very well , so I found burgers in the freezer . Paul grilled them and they were too freezerburned . Tasted awful . So he grilled the three pound bag of coneys , which isn 't enough , so I got out three bags of chicken nuggets . . . . . I couldn 't put them in the oven yet because I had put cakes in there . . . . anyway , this story DOES have a point . . . . the boys took a coney and some wafflefries , and left to go to a movie ! Now I have two full trays of nuggets baking , and a cake cooling on the counter , and Joseph and his friends are gone . . . . 19 years ago today was my due date for my fifth child . . . . . anyway , that day was hot . . . we were in the middle of a rare May heatwave , 90 + degrees out , and humid . We lived in a mobile home , and it was just too hot in there for a pregnant mommy . . . so , we decided to go to the mall . The big mall in the big city . Emily Anne was in kindergarten , we took Abigail Marie , 4 , Benjamin Paul , 2 , and Mirielle Joy , 15 months . Cheryl 's Katie and Becky were also in school , so she brought Susan , just turned 5 , Claire , 3 , and Janet , 14 months . ( she was 4 months along with Ellen , her number six ) . . . and I had a " helper " , who was 18 or 19 , named Irene . Off we went . . . well , we were halfway there when I realized my contractions were 5 minutes apart . . . . so we turned around and went to the hospital , all of us ! We walked in with those six kids , I was 4 centimeters with steady contractions , so I was staying . Cheryl and Irene left with the kids , Paul came from work , and by the end of the day we had a baby . He was 8 pounds ten ounces , and he was born in two simple pushes , just like magic . He was so beautiful . . . . he was as relaxed at birth as he is now . He stretched right out and I couldn 't keep him swaddled for anything . He was a good baby . . . which was a good thing . . . . we started building this house when he was newborn , and moved in when he was eleven months old . . . Paul used to go straight from work to the building site , so we didn 't see him much . I had to fix up the moPosted by " There was a little girl , who had a little curl , right in the middle of her forehead . . . . When she was good , she was very very good . . . . But when she was bad she was horrid ! " ( I do not know who wrote that , but whoever it was : Genius ! ) This morning was pleasant enough . . . . a walk with Rosie in the breezy cloudy warmth , enjoying my lilacs in the front yard . I always stop to smell them , I just close my eyes and smell and smell and smell . . . it makes me think of my mother , very powerfully . I wish they bloomed all year long , they just blossomed and are thinking of fading already . I made omelets and eggs and sausage and juice and English muffins for breakfast for those of us who were home . Abigail went shopping with Mali , Margaret , Kathryn , Evelyn , and a few of their friends . Benjamin is still sleeping , Mirielle is in Detroit . . . so it was a smallish crew . Just Paul and I and Joseph , Aaron , Samuel , Suzanne , Sonja , Jonathan , Charlotte Claire , and Camille . We have lots of things to do around here , and when I say " we " , I mean Paul . The hose doesn 't work . . . well , it works , but it gets more water down in the basement than it does out the hose . He is working on that today , which means he is at the hardware store with Jonathan . I have been bugging him a bit about the hot tub , but he says he will get the pool going first . Those are just the ones off the top of my head , without getting into the edging of the window he put in a few years back , or the screen repairs or the automatic ice maker . . . . . Paul has so very little time , that I try to really not sweat the small stuff , and just be glad for what does get done around here . I do love him and don 't want to give into that nagging and pushing for things . I like to see him be able to relax with his guitar sometimes . One thing I have found is when I keep it more organized and picked up in here , it is less stressful , and he is more relaxed . Today I am going to my nephew 's wedding . I didn 't find anything nice to wear while shopping yesterday . Well , I found lots of nice things , but nothing cheap e16 blessings ' mom Because I am insane , or because I just wondered what it would be like , I took these two shopping today all by myself . Now , there was a time I took my kids everywhere by myself , but now I am spoiled and usually have at least Sonja or Suze to help me buckle carseats . Anyway , they were excited to go . They had a bath first , which turned out to be the bubble bath of their life , as they used a few bottles of shampoo and all of the baby soap . Then we waited around for Camille to poop first , which did not happen . As soon as we got on the road , they started wondering if Kohl 's had a bathroom . As soon as we got in the store , they wanted to find it . Imagine their delight when we entered the " Family " bathroom , and found this : A tiny little child - sized toilet ! ! ! Yes , I know she will kill me when she grows up , but it is just SO cute . I never saw a kids so happy about a toilet before . It WAS cute . Charlotte Claire couldn 't wait to have a turn on it . So we shopped . . . I found a shirt for Joseph , one for Sam , and some things for the girls . . . but nothing for me . . . then we went to Aldi for gummy bears and apples and juice and milk and veggies . . . . . back to the van to head home . . . but UH - OH , Mommy made a big mistake : Mommy OPENED Camille 's gummy bears , and CAMILLE WANTED TO OPEN THEM ! ! ! Oh dear ! ! She took the bag and threw it , so I just started to drive . Charlotte Claire started screaming that Camille took her arms out . . . . . and at that very moment , a HUGE spider came into my view , right on my sunvisor , moving fast . . . . panic ! ! ! I pulled over , grabbed a napkin , squished it , and threw it right out the window , napkin and all . Oops , I really broke my own rule here . I NEVER litter like that . Maybe an apple core on a country road , but . . . . . a McDonald 's napkin ? There is an exception to every rule , however , and this was an EMERGENCY . I cannot have half - squished spiders inside the van , I wouldn 't be able to drive ! I would be glancing down for wiggling legs . . . ugh . Anyway , I had to climb back and get Miss Temper Tantrum 's arms back in her straps . She stiPosted by I am a stay at home mom with 16 kids , no twins , Army mom , wife to Paul ( still crazy about him ! ! ! ) . . . 8 kids are still at home . . . . the kids : Emily 31 , Abigail 30 , Benjamin 28 ( his wife Ashley and our granddaughter Anya 3 ) , Mariel 26 , Joseph 25 , Aaron 24 , MollyRose 22 ( and granddaughter Lydia , 1 ) , Samuel 21 , Margaret 20 ( and son - in - law Adrian ! ) , Kathryn 18 , Evelyn 17 , Suzanne 15 , Sonja 14 , Jonathan 12 , Charlotte Claire 10 , and Camille 9 . Help for life can be found at www . activechristianity . com , which is a great source of encouragement for me . View my complete profile
November 22 , 2010 / / 0 At some point in my youth , my brother and I were left alone at the house for long periods of time . We would get bored quite often , because we lived in the country and there wasn 't much to do . We did our best to stay out of trouble , but that didn 't always happen . One afternoon , John and I thought we 'd make a cake . I 'm pretty sure it was summer , because I don 't think we 'd have had time to make a cake in the 45 mins between us getting home from school and dad getting home from work . So John and I mixed it all up and baked a cake . While we were mixing , we discovered the food coloring . And we put food coloring into the mix . The yellow cake mix . We used all the colors , but by the time we put it into the oven , it was GREEN ! We got the cake out , let it cool , and then frosted it so that none of the green showed . When dad got in , he saw the cake and got excited . John and I were pretty excited too , but for a different reason . We had dinner that night and afterwards , dad got a knife and sliced into the cake . When he pulled his slice out , it was green and he was disgusted . I don 't remember what he said , but he wasn 't happy . I know he said he wasn 't going to eat it . John and I laughed pretty hard , but we didn 't understand why he wasn 't going to eat it - it 's not like we did anything bad to it , it was just green . Anyway , we didn 't mind , because it was John and I who ended up eating all the cake . Fast forward to this past Saturday . John reminded me about the cake , so I decided to do the same thing . I was having people over and so I made the cake . Green . Christy frosted it and I decorated it . I was pretty stoked . So when it was time to cut the cake , I had a friend do it while we recorded it . I was hoping for some good responses , but there wasn 't anything really . Not much more than , " oh . " I was disappointed , because I wanted to get some serious " WhAT ? " responses . Nope . Everyone just grabbed a piece and ate it . Sheesh , all that pranking and not even a " GROSS ! ! ! " On Sunday , we headed up to my dad 's house . He and his girlfriend have their Thanksgiving the Sunday before , so that everyone can get out and enjoy a nice Sunday Thanksgiving dinner . I brought some of the cake with me to show my dad . Again , I was excited . Shortly after posting the last blog , I wandered to the cafeteria to see what was for dinner . BBQ chicken . Smelled great , but I wasn 't feeling chicken twice today . They 're doing painting in the one section of the hospital where it 's just a dog leg trip around the corner to the cafeteria . So that meant I had to go through the " restricted area " to get to the cafeteria . Not a big deal , but the door to go back the same way locked when it shut . Great . Walked around to the ER , where two security guards were . They asked me a question , and I told them I was going to the women 's center . The lady told me that she was working that area and would escort me . What was odd is that she had a tracheotomy . I didn 't understand at first why her voice was all raspy . Then I got it . She told me I could park out front - which I told her I had . I suppose she was under the assumption I just got there . Nope . Been here all day , thanks . When I got back to the room , I got a text message from Christy . Doc had just broke her water and she was at 3 cm . So , since I didn 't get dinner at the cafeteria , I headed to Carl 's Jr . Which , I noted , I was the thinnest person in the place . Anyway , I ate , and went back to the hospital . It was about an hour after I got back that the anesthesiologist showed up . Christy was happy . After the epidural , the nurse checked and Christy was at about 5 . Now more waiting . Apparently , 8pm is about the time everyone checks facebook , because that 's when all the messages started flowing in . At some point , the baby bed started going off with a ding dong carnival sound . Then almost immediately afterwards , something else started beeping . And the phone got text messages . SHeeesh . Lots of noise ! It 's almost 9pm now . Grey 's Anatomy is wrapping up and Christy 's watching . I 'm typing this up and waiting for the final stretch , which should be soon . I hope . October 21 , 2010 / / 0 I went to bed about 12 : 30a this morning . Mostly because I stayed up playing Halo : Reach . Hey , we had a good team and we were dropping opponents all over those maps . Big Team Battle , if you 're curious . I fell asleep almost immediately . Next thing I know , it 's 6 : 30a and it 's time to get the kids up and rolling . Christy got up and got ready to head over to the doctor 's office . Quentin was especially grumpy this morning . He didn 't want his cereal . He didn 't want to get up . He didn 't want to get dressed . He didn 't want to go to Nana 's . He did , however , want to play Xbox . As much as I would have loved to sit next to him and make that happen , it just wasn 't the time . David and Zada did well . I had to prod Zada a bit - she 's always a little slow to make it happen in the morning . She 's actually been a little groggy in the morning , not sure why . But by ten after seven , we were all ready to head out . We got to the school , David and Zada got out , and they were both excited because they knew they 'd see their new sister this afternoon . David was talking about how he was going to tell his whole class . Zada told her class yesterday . Makes me feel good , because I wasn 't the only one who didn 't catch that it was supposed to be today . Apparently there is something to the miscommunication between men and women . Hopefully we 'll be able send some pictures to school with them tomorrow . Pretty sure we won 't be sending Macy tomorrow . I dropped Quentin off at my mom 's , but he wasn 't too pleased about it . I 'm not sure where he wanted to go , but it was not Nana 's at that point . He got out of the car and put his backpack on ( diaper bag ) . Then he just froze . He stood there . I tried to pull his arm to get him to walk up the steps , but he wasn 't moving his feet . It was rather humorous , really . Think Michael Jackson in " Smooth Criminal . " Eventually I got him inside and I grabbed my mom 's keys to put the booster seats in her car . She 'll be picking up Deezo and Chickie this afternoon . When I was getting Q ' ball out of the car , I spotted it . My MUG ! ! ! Sweet . Caffeine will be mine ! ! ! Needless to say , I was pleased . I pulled up to the hospital and headed to Christy 's room . She was already set up and ready to make things happen . The nurses hadn 't hooked up the IV and they were still doing the blood work . I was still sleepy , so I tried napping in the rocking chair . No go . Then the nurse pointed out that the arm of the couch slides out and makes a cool little bed . So I took a little nap . About 30 minutes worth . A little longer than I normally do , but refreshing . Christy 's been hanging out , just watching TV . Waiting . I got some coffee , came back . Played on the iPod ( which , by the way , the hospital 's verification thing doesn 't like Safari ) , went and got some more coffee and called my sister in law to give her the heads up . She said she wanted to call , but because she has a bad habit of calling as the baby is coming out , she 'd wait until we called her . When I got back into the room , Christy told me they started the Pitocin . That 's good , means we 're progressing . The nurse popped in to see if the doc had stopped in . He hadn 't . Apparently he 's performing a C - section right now . So , we waited . I looked up and realized that it was almost one o ' clock . I realized that there was a chance that the cafeteria may close soon and I didn 't want to have to leave the hospital to grab a bite . Seems like last time I was here , I tried to get to the cafeteria but missed it . And I didn 't miss lunch . Fried chicken , mashed potatoes , mixed veggies and a soda . MMMmmm good . I didn 't tell Christy , though . Didn 't seem right . They 've given her broth , jello , and water . Yum . Just before 2p , my mom called . She was running out of diapers for Quentin . I thought I had enough , but who knows . Apparently she either changes a lot of diapers or she changes no diapers . There 's no rhyme or reason , apparently . I usually get about 3 or 4 a day , sometimes . But I 'm not sure how many were in the bag . I do know that I had gotten some out to take with us but forgot to take them … oops . Christy suggested I go get some and drop them off . So I headed to the house , picked up the ones I pulled out originally ( still neatly stacked on the coffee table ) and headed out . I pulled up to my mom 's , knocked on the door , and went in . Quentin was sacked out on the floor , as he normally does . I put the diapers on the table , grabbed a soda , and then helped my mom get him into the car . She was about to head out to pick up D and Z . I headed back to the hospital , and she off to the school . I came back and everything was the same . No doc , no baby . No nothing . The lights were out / dimmed , which made me want to take a nap . I did shut my eyes for a minute . Who knew waiting would be so tiring ? And for the next two hours , we just waited . Christy 's contractions were coming about every 3 minutes . No real change , and no doctor . It 's rather disappointing . I was hoping to have been celebrating by 5pm . Christy was really tired of being stuck in the bed . My wife 's been pregnant for quite some time now . I forget when it happened , but it was obviously earlier this year . February ? Who knows . I stopped paying attention after she told me we were adding another member to the family that didn 't eat out of a bowl on the floor . Everything 's been progressing normally . She 's gone through the typical things she always goes through . She has had some issues with her legs cramping and her ankles swelling , but it 's because she works retail and she 's been on her feet for 9 or so hours a day . Other than that , everything has been pretty similar to the other three pregnancies . So normal , in fact , that I really haven 't been paying much attention to how far along we 've gotten . With the other kids , we induced . They were all ' big , ' and they were anywhere from 9 - 12 days early . Apparently the hospital has changed policies on induction . I suppose some doctors have been ' abusing ' the induction thing - because the hospital won 't schedule inductions more than a week from the due date . That would be fine , I suppose , but there 's some issue on the due dates . The date the hospital likes is Nov . 7th . There 's also a Nov . 3rd date that 's out there and depending how you calculate it , there can be some discretion . Based on the baby 's growth , we were looking more towards the 3rd . On Tuesday , my wife went in early for her normal appointment with her doc . Afterwards she called me to let me know we were going to induce after all due to some ingenuity of the doc . The way she told me sounded like she was going to go in for her appointment next week at the normal time , and then on Thursday they would get things rolling . That 's the information that got processed in my tiny little bald head . I thought I had a full week and two days to get things handled . I thought it was rather odd that my wife was pressing me to do things when I had a while to get it all taken care of . Oops . In the car this morning , I said that I was planning on getting over to the Velveeta Room tomorrow night to record comedy . She looked at me like I was the most insensitive jerk she 's ever known . That 's when it came out that we were not only on different pages , we were in completely different books . Yeah , slight change of plans . I went into overdrive , making those calls and trying to correct things . A quick status update on Facebook and a few emails changing the plans I 'd made for things . Everything is still sort of in limbo - I haven 't gotten in touch with my mom . I need her to watch Q - Ball for us . He can 't really be running around the delivery room . Mostly because he 's going to be yanking crap and breaking things . Adorable as he is , he 's not really going to be instrumental in bringing Macy into the world . Plus , he may remember some things , and truly , there are some things that only need to be seen by a doctor … So what now ? Well , there 's still a lot of things that need to be done . Christy pointed out that we should re - arrange the bedroom , which was cool with me when I thought we had a week . Not so cool when it 's just a day or so . Ugh . I have some things that I have to do work wise . No Thursday night , obviously , but Friday I need to go to Austin with a client to pick up gear . Friday night is taping comedy in San Antonio . Saturday is some time out doing some foot work for the client . I think Saturday night is free , but Sunday is all about knocking out these spots for the client . I 'm sort of sad , really . I 'm more excited about knocking out these spots on Sunday than I am having a kid . I know . I 'm going to the land of fire and brimstone . Which is quite nice this time of year , from what I 've heard . Today will be spent making sure everything is ready for tomorrow . I was really hoping to play some good games of Halo today , but I suppose that 's not going to happen . I am sad I won 't be making another " Daily Challenge " today . But that 's fine , I suppose . October 15 , 2010 / / 0 In May of 2000 , I shaved my head . With a razor . I took it down to the skin . I learned a lot that summer . Kids don 't care if you have no hair . It doesn 't matter to them - I assume they 've not been subjected to hate via a bald man . Old people , I can only surmise , were all beaten up by a bald man . Or at least had their lunch money taken away . I found I got a lot more respect from people when my head was bald . An example - I went to work one morning shortly after shaving my noggin . There was a girl working who wasn 't exactly MENSA material . I don 't remember what she said , but I turned and arced an eyebrow at her . She stopped , and said , " That was stupid , wasn 't it ? " I replied , " Yes . Don 't talk to me anymore today . " Then I turned and walked away . It . Was . Awesome . I think the reason I got more respect is because hair is goofy . Well , sometimes it 's goofy - but it does draw away the expressions of the face . There are a couple of pictures on my Facebook page - and I 'm doing the arced eyebrow thing in both . One I have hair . One I don 't . No one 's told me that I was evil with hair . Without hair , I 'm compared to the guy that formed the Satanic Church . Same face . Same goatee . Different head . But I did some photoshop work to the bald one to really bring out the contrast . Even if I did that to the haired picture , it wouldn 't be intimidating in the least . A lot of people think that being bald means cooler head . It does not . Having a little hair - stubble - is cool , but having no hair is very hot . Why ? Hair acts like a radiator . Tiny little fins that draw the heat from the head and allows the wind to cool it off . Having a lot of hair is very hot - because it acts like an insulator . Having short hair acts like a radiator , allowing the heat to be drawn away . Having no hair … well that heat just sits there . People have a hard time believing this . I try explaining , but they look at me like I 'm dumb . So I do the arcing eyebrow thing . I call it intimidating knowledge . Hair grows fast when it 's short . If I didn 't shave my head at least once every 2 days , I 'd have crazy stubble . Not a problem , right ? Wrong . I nearly broke my neck the first time I tried to take a t - shirt off . The back of the shirt caught the stubble on the back of my head and BOOM . Velcro . My stubbly hair was like the hooks , and the t - shirt was like the loops . And wearing caps was painful at times . The inside of the hat would stick to my head , and pulling it off was a bit painful . Again , velcro . Razor bumps . I don 't get razor bumps on my face , but I get them on my scalp . I assume it 's because my skin is sensitive on my head , but not on my face . Typically bumps occur because someone has curly hair , and the curls dig back into the skin . My hair is about as straight as it gets . So often I 'd use stuff from the ' ethnic care ' aisle at Wal - Mart . Bump Stopper II is what I preferred . Actually , it was really the only thing I could find . But it worked . Plus it also helped darken my scalp to make it match my face . One night , I watched a movie with Christy - at her apartment . Her roommate had rented a movie , and because the roommate felt keeping the AC at 60 ° , it was cold . I ended up being under the vent . I got sick . Not like really sick , but sore throat , not feel goo sick . Once I got my head warm , it was good . October 11 , 2010 / / 0 I like helping people . There 's something inside of me that yearns to help people whenever I can . Even people who I don 't think deserve it - I help out to some degree . And I feel good about it . I have never regretted helping someone out . Even if it has put me at a disadvantage at the time , it usually comes back in multiples and is beneficial . Sometimes people try to take advantage of this . And yes , I will help them to an extent - but a lot of times the help is , " What would you do if I wasn 't here ? " ( Thanks Steve Langevin ! ) Sometimes the best help you can give is self - worth and self - confidence . You know , " give a man a fish … " The biggest problem I 've ever faced is that people tend to mistake kindness for weakness , as if me being helpful is the same as me not having a spine . But I can usually solve this issue by showing the opposite . I can be helpful and unbending . At the core of my being , my Christianity is that I believe in second chances , trusting others , being tolerant , and accepting people for who they are . All I can do as a servant of Christ is to show others what 's out there . All I can do is talk about God and Jesus . I can 't make them believe . I can 't make them convert . But I can be a friend and show them the wonderful things that happen when you put your faith in Jesus and let Him guide your life . I don 't always make the right decisions , but if I ask for God 's help and listen , He tells me what to do . And yes , God talks to me . I think it 's different for everyone . I have a friend that got a message from God through someone who was but a chance encounter . I have gotten messages from God through the TV . I know it sounds odd , but it happened . There was a point where I felt like I needed to give up comedy . I felt as though I was done with it . I prayed and asked for God 's guidance , and I got it . From various things on TV . One was from Desperate Housewives , another from Conan , and I can 't remember right now what the third one was - but the message from all three were ' stand - up comedy . ' I took that to mean I should continue along this path . I don 't know why I 'm supposed to keep doing comedy . The only thing that I really can see is that I 'm supposed to go into this thing and be the shining light . Comedy will always have the dark , dirty side , but I think I 've inspired others to work on clean material . I know I 've made an impression on a few people , so maybe I 'll continue to do that and help people see that Christianity isn 't that " Fire and Brimstone - You 're going to HELL ! " that is so prevalent in our society . It 's about trusting in God when the odds are against you . It 's about doing the best you can and helping others when you 're not really in a position to help anyone - including yourself ! Maybe you 're not a Christian . Maybe you don 't believe in God . There 's nothing I can do or say to prove to you one way or the other . And truthfully , all I can do is relate my experiences . What those do for you is up to how you receive them . Sometimes a person isn 't ready to receive that message , but that message stays there , and will come back later when that person is ready . It 's sort of like that moment at the end of " The Sixth Sense , " where it 's revealed that Bruce Willis ' character was dead the whole time . What was perceived originally changes when new info is introduced . Do me a favor - take a moment and look at your life . Maybe you 're really happy where you are . Maybe you 're battling depression for some unknown reason . Maybe things are fine , but you feel as though something is missing . Look around you - God is everywhere , and God loves you . God is love . God does not hate anyone . He does not hate " fags . " He doesn 't hate anyone . He loves us all and wants us to come to him and let him be the guide in our lives . I think one of the biggest hurdles is that people think that God solves all the problems and when He doesn 't , they lose faith . That 's not how it works . You have to work at being a Christian . You have to have a dialog with God . You have to be willing to make those sacrifices He asks of you . I don 't think God makes people rich with money , but he makes them valuable as people . As an example , I usually relate the story of how I gave up just about everything - including the core of my being - to be in a relationship with someone . It ended horribly , but that experience taught me through the heartache that I can 't give up who I am to be with someone . I have to stay true to myself in order to make anything work . As a result , I 've been married to my wife for 8 years . We are about to have our 4th kid , and the last 10 years have been some of the greatest moments in my life . And I have to thank that bad relationship for giving me all this goodness . For the last year , I 've been performing stand up comedy . I 've met lots of people . Two of them have really been inspirations - not only to me , but to others as well . I first saw John Dittmar ( warning - language ) at an open mic . When I saw him , I thought to myself that I didn 't want to give sympathy laughs . In my mind , I didn 't think this kid would be funny , and I didn 't want to patronize him by giving soulless laughs just because he had Cerebral Palsy . As it turned out , I didn 't need to . He was hilarious and probably the best comic of the night . He turns 21 soon , and I 've gotten to be friends with him over this last year . He does a lot despite having this … this … thing . This past summer he taught at a sort of Tech Camp . He helped a bunch of 5th graders learn about math and computers and stuff . That 's not something a typical 20 year old guy would do . He tells me about this and it 's usually about how horrible those kids were - but I could hear in his voice how much he really enjoyed it . He doesn 't know it , but he 's been an inspiration to me . And if he 's been an inspiration to me , there 's no telling who else has been positively affected by interacting with John . He 's genuine , and he tries to help out whenever he can . He gives . He gives of himself and he gives what he can . Sometimes it 's just a self - deprecating joke . Other times it 's offering his time or knowledge on something . I always look forward to spending time with him . If John didn 't have cerebral palsy , I may never have met him . He probably wouldn 't have gotten into comedy . But most importantly , he probably wouldn 't have been as much of an inspiration to others . I know he 's touched my life , and I can only imagine the countless others that have been inspired by John and he has no clue ! I believe it was October when I first met Bobby Henline ( warning - language ) . I didn 't know his story , but I definitely knew he wasn 't born a burn victim . Later on I found out that he was serving in Iraq when his Humvee hit an IED . Over the last four years , Bobby 's life has been drastically changed ( to say the least ) . Rather than wallowing in pity and grieving over what had happened ( like I think I would do ) , he turned the tragedy into comedy . And that has been an inspiration to just about everyone who has met Bobby . I know that he has inspired me to make the most of what I have . Yes , Bobby 's last tour in Iraq really was a horrible thing , but there 's no way to measure how much good Bobby has been able to spread around the world . He regularly visits wounded soldiers , and recently did a comedy show called " Humor for Heroes " where the majority of the crowd were veterans . Bobby could very well have let this turn him into a bitter , hateful man , but he chose to go a different route , and I know I 'm better for having met the man . If you get the chance to meet either of these guys , or would like to see their comedy - you should . I know Bobby is a regular at LOL in San Antonio , and John is doing what he can to perform while going to Texas State . Life would definitely be better for both of them if things had turned out " normal , " but thanks to these events , I have come to know a couple of great guys . And I also know that these two guys have been able to inspire those around them . It would be easy to question God 's motives for both of these men 's lives , but in the end I feel the sacrifices made were worth what we 've gained . September 30 , 2010 / / 0 This past Monday was the 30th birthday of the guy who runs Corridor Comedy Club , Nick Aluotto . I feel a certain loyalty to him and the club because it 's where I started . It 's also the place where I feel a part of the ' family ' of San Marcos ( and surrounding communities ) comedians . This past week was sort of rough for the two of us - due to some errors in communication , we ended up being really frustrated with each other . But I wanted to make a bit of a surprise for him this week . I couldn 't really throw a surprise party for him , so I did the next best thing . The open mic is held every Wednesday in the lounge at J 's Bistro . Corridor has been around just over a year - a year and a month . Usually there 's a fair turnout of comics and audience . Last night , we had quite a few comics , and a pretty good audience . Thanks to the cooperation of both comics and audience , I was able to pull off a great practical joke - AND - keep him from knowing it was me ( until another comic told him ) . I was a bit worried at first . I was able to talk to all the comics no problem , and they were able to tell their friends too . That part was really easy . And all of them thought it was a great idea . Well , most . One guy thought it wasn 't a great idea , the other thought it would be a bad idea . The hard part was getting the people who were just there , just ' true ' audience members . I couldn 't just walk over to those people and let them know what was going on . And I couldn 't figure out just how to get that info to them . I thought I could get the host to say something if Nick was out of the room . I had it orchestrated . I told the host to announce it , and I got another comic , Anthony Torino , to take him into the bar and talk to him - distract him . And it was going great . Until the host slipped up and just introduced the next comic . On try two , I was trying to keep Nick occupied , uh , not in a military style , but just keep him out of the lounge . It sort of worked , but then it didn 't . The host , Aaron McDavis , started telling the crowd the plan , but Nick wandered in . Harrison Drover saw this and tried to warn Aaron , but not in a cool , quick way . It was more like this - Harrison saw Nick coming in and then turned and whisper yelled at Aaron to STOP . Or QUIT . Or NO . or something . I was behind Nick , and this is what I saw - Aaron was in the middle of the room , talking to the crowd . When Harrison told him to stop , he did . He did it with the look of a guy that just got caught taking money from the " help a cripple " jar . With a big " Uhhh " Aaron went back on stage . Nick was a little concerned , and asked what was going on … And everyone froze up and did a " Nothing " sort of answer . WORST . IMPROV . EVER ! Things went on , and thankfully Nick stepped out for a bit , and I was able to keep an eye out . Aaron was able to quickly tell the audience the plan and they were all on board . BOOM it was on ! Fortunately , Aaron was able to do this one comic before Nick 's turn . Whew ! Talk about close ! I suppose I should let you in on the prank . I had told everyone that when Nick starts his set , that give him no response . No laugh , no boo , nothing . Then , when he gets frustrated , we 'd sing Happy Birthday . We all clapped and cheered him getting on stage . Then for next three minutes , he told jokes . And no one made a sound . NOTHING . I knew people were really holding back , because I could see some people biting their hands and covering their mouths . At about 3 mins and 15 seconds , he asks what 's going on . Not frustration so much , but just enough to push it . So Aaron and I lead the singing , and everyone joins in . The results were awesome . I was so happy that it all worked out . I was sweating it , because if anyone didn 't know , or someone broke the silence , it 'd be over . The fallback was that we 'd just sing happy birthday at some point . I went on after Nick and therefore was able to avoid him for a few minutes . At some point , Nick came into the lounge and said something . I could tell he was happy . Apparently Ethan Moore had spilled the beans . Those around him at the time said he laughed so hard . I wished I could have seen that .
It was over , what little part he 'd really had in it , and his hour had never come , and now he was going around talking about it . Today he had been invited to a speaking engagement at the community centre . He was most of the way there when a full bladder overtook him , so he pulled over at a doughnut shop . He got out of his car , stiff in his uniform , and stepped into a light snowfall . He had just reached the door when a woman he recognized came out . She smiled . It had been ten years or so since he had last seen her . She looked good . She was taller than he remembered and she had a bright and open smile . Paul looked down at himself as though he had forgotten . He saw the polished oxfords and the pressed trousers and the tunic and the shining buttons . He adjusted his beret . He wondered if Amy was seeing the little star and the ribbon pinned to his chest . The moment stagnated then , mostly because Paul was still at odds and couldn 't think of anything to set it right . Amy shrugged . She shrugged beautifully . She said again that it was good to see him , and she turned to go . She was almost at her car when Paul called after her . He went over , taking care not to slip on the ice . He was trying to ignore his need to urinate . - Amy , wait . I 'm staying at my brother 's place . If you want to catch up more , you know , give me a shout . It 's in the phone book . She nodded and said , Maybe I will . If I have some time . Work has me running around in circles usually . If it 's not work , it 's Becky . Then Amy was gone . Paul hustled into the doughnut shop . He felt eyes on him from all directions . He went straight into the washroom . When he came back out , he decided he had enough time to get a coffee . He was thinking about how good it felt to have an empty bladder . And he was thinking about Amy Tripp . In the month since Paul had come home , he had given the presentation twice already , both times in the history classroom of his old high school . The presentation was ready made : you just told the chain of command that you had a speaking engagement , and then the public affairs people gave you the slide show and a deck of notes . There were facts and figures and little bits of narrative . Lots of good pictures . Everything had official approval . This time , he was inside a room in the basement of the community centre . They had set up a projector for him , and the projector backlit the heads , mostly grey haired , of the fifty or so people who had come to hear him speak . He couldn 't see much except for the far wall and a shuffleboard table . The room smelled of coffee and floor wax . A tiny white - haired lady raised her hand . She said , What a good thing you 've done , you know . You must be so proud of your service . But I wondered , would you tell us , what was your very proudest moment ? - Well , ma ' am , I guess my proudest moment isn 't one thing alone , so much . It 's more about being able to stand up here and tell you about the good work we 're doing . How I was a part of it . I hope that makes sense to you . There weren 't many other questions . A man came up to the podium and thanked Paul on behalf of the civic association that had invited him to speak . The man was further pleased to show everybody an oversized honorarium cheque for $ 50 that was being donated to a charity of Paul 's choosing . The people in the room clapped . The kid on the final slide grinned his frozen grin with the village school behind him . Some of the people milled around afterward to talk to Paul . Someone said the Legion might ask Paul to come give the presentation there . A woman asked if he would speak to her CFUW chapter , possibly next week . Paul smiled and nodded and passed along his contact information to anyone who asked for it . He felt sweat creeping out around his collar and rolling down his back . It was late February and very cold , and the streets and sidewalks were grey and scoured with salt . He drove around a lot . He spent time at the library . He still had a few friends in town . One was a mechanic and one was a teacher . He went for beers with them a few times , and he could feel how they talked around their questions and gave him sidelong looks . Mostly he went about in a kind of daze , wondering how long it would take for boredom to set in , wondering if it already had . On the Thursday evening , Paul ironed his uniform and polished his oxfords . He looked at the medal and the little strip of ribbon it hung from . Then he went into the kitchen , where his brother Stu was cooking dinner . Stu 's wife , Janine , five months pregnant , was in the living room watching TV . Paul made a token effort of helping with the cooking , but he wasn 't much use . He sat down at the table . Stu , working the frying pan , asked Paul if he had given much thought to what he was doing next . Paul shrugged . He said he had been thinking of going to see their mother for a little while . He still had another six weeks of paid leave . She gave him the portable phone . Paul said hello . On the other end was a female voice . He thought at first it was the CFUW woman calling again . Stu lent Paul a nice collared shirt , and Paul cleaned up and then drove himself through town to a restaurant on the lakeshore . The restaurant had been renovated to look quaint and rustic , but Paul remembered when it used to be a seedy sports bar known for serving alcohol to minors . He got out of his car , hoping he hadn 't applied too much cologne . Amy was already there , sitting at a table near a stone fireplace , and when she saw him she raised her hand in greeting . She stood up as he approached . She was wearing nice jeans and a dark cardigan . He hugged her and immediately wondered if that was an appropriate gesture . At first , their conversation was politely spare . She also remembered what kind of place the restaurant used to be . Her high school boyfriend had gotten into a fight with Ryan Decker , a friend of Paul 's , right over there , where they had the wine rack now . She laughed as she talked about it . Her eyes flashed . They consulted the wine list and ordered a bottle of imported Merlot . It was expensive , but for now Paul was not worried about money . He wondered vaguely how long that freedom would last . Anyway , it wasn 't completely true . They had been acquaintances in high school more than they had been friends . They had taken a few classes together . She had always seemed to Paul to be a little out of his reach . He remembered a big summer party , after graduation , where he had seen Amy playing guitar . She had had bleached hair and a nose ring back then . He had no recollection of having seen her after that , or really having thought of her , until he ran into her . She took a photograph out of her purse . Paul saw a little girl grinning around missing teeth . The picture made him think of the last slide of the presentation , the kid outside of the village school . Questions ? ? - She 's with her grandma . They get along super - well . I can tell you , Paulie , I don 't know what I would do if my mother wasn 't around to help me out . I 'd lose my mind . They had salads to start , and then Paul had a steak and Amy had salmon . They drank most of the bottle of wine and when the waiter came around again Paul took the gamble of ordering another bottle . Amy didn 't say anything to stop him . After the new bottle came and they had refilled their glasses , she told him her story . She had gone to university in Alberta . Fast - tracked a bachelor of science and then enrolled in pre - med . This surprised him . He was a little bit drunk and his words came out before he could stop them : I never would 've pictured you as a doctor , Amy . She had fallen on some hard times when she was twenty - two . Her dad had died suddenly . Her grades had slipped . She talked about heading in the wrong direction for a while . She made mention of someone named Todd , how they had lived together . He was this crazy , brilliant musician , ten years older than she was . But he ran around on her a lot . She knew he did , but she didn 't seem to know how to get herself out from under his thumb . All the wrong directions , Paulie . She was almost twenty - three when she found out she was pregnant . She didn 't mention anything about abortion or adoption . Paul stopped himself before he asked . Becky was born in October six years ago . Amy said things changed after that . Things gained perspective and clarity in a way they hadn 't before . She couldn 't explain it , and she didn 't want Paul to take offence if she said that he probably couldn 't understand what she meant , but she thought it had something to do with being the one who physically brings life into the world . In any case , Todd didn 't share the awakening . He stayed around a year or so longer , and then one night he told Amy he was leaving , and he didn 't say why . A couple of weeks later , she had found out that he had moved in with another girl . - I hated him for a long time , said Amy . I really did . I had no money , Paul . Do you have any idea how people look at you when they know you 're on welfare ? God , I hated him . But I don 't , not anymore . - Because it 's a waste , Paulie . It 's a waste to drag that crap around with you all the time . It will eat you up , man . Look at the world , how it is . Don 't you think there 's way too much of it everywhere ? She said she had no idea where Todd was now . She didn 't care to know . She had full custody of Becky , and that was all that mattered to her . When Becky was three , Amy went back to school . She studied occupational therapy . It was a difficult go , on her own , with Becky and school . Paul did not think she was telling him any of this to garner sympathy or to impress him . She was just speaking honestly , talking about what she had known . Two years ago , she had come back to their hometown . She had applied for a business loan with collateral her mother had put up out of her retirement savings . With the loan , Amy had started a small clinic in town to treat and rehabilitate injuries . Everything you can imagine , she said . All the construction crews around here , the road crews , the guys who work at the quarry . She had started with two or three clients and now she had twenty . Paul nodded . He took a drink of wine . The second bottle was two - thirds empty , and the restaurant had thinned out . He told her about his undergraduate degree in history . He alluded to some relationships from his past , one serious , one a little more serious . They had lived together , but the girl had been a few years younger and had departed suddenly , citing the need for some space to figure things out . What did people mean when they said that ? He told Amy how when he was midway through school he had joined the army reserves , commissioned as a second lieutenant . He joined initially because the reserves would pay for half of his tuition . And also because he liked the pictures : soldiers moving stealthily through the forest , that sort of thing . One night a week , Paul would go to the armoury and practise drill . Every fourth weekend , they would go out to a base somewhere and practise tactics . Paul took training courses when he could . They made him a lieutenant and gave him a platoon . It didn 't take him long to learn that only a small fraction of the part - time training was captured in the recruiting pictures , but by then he had made some good friends and had had a lot of good times . Two years ago , he had filled out the paperwork to volunteer himself for overseas deployment with the regular force . All the junior officers he knew were filling out the paperwork . You signed it off , got the commanding officer 's blessing , lifted a beer in the mess to everyone 's courage , and then gave it no more thought , not thinking it would actually happen . By day , he had worked in the human resources department of the university he had attended . It was contract work , nothing to do with his undergrad . He had lived in the student ghetto , sharing a place with some friends he played varsity soccer with . Then the chief clerk of his reserve unit had called him at work one day . The chief clerk said there was a position on the next overseas rotation . Paul was qualified for it , and his voluntary application had been approved , so did he want to go ? The chief clerk was detached about the conversation . Disinterested . He told Paul to let him know as soon as he could , because they would have to source the position to someone else if Paul didn 't want it . - Don 't worry . I don 't either . The army runs on jargon . You just have to trust it . It 's like church . - So they basically asked you if you wanted to go overseas , and … - And I went . About two months after I said I 'd go , I had to move to a base . I was there six months , training up . Then we hopped on a plane and went over and did business . Paul turned his wineglass in his hand . He fixed a look on the tablecloth , and then he met her eyes . He said : How about this . If we get together again , I 'll tell you about it , about being over there . - I had a speaking thing I had to go to . To talk about the mission and all that . These speaking things come up . Remember Mr . Carling ? Grade ten history ? I 've spoken to his class a couple times . I 'm going to speak at a lunch tomorrow for the University Women 's Club . - The last one , the day I saw you , was a bunch of older people . This little old lady asked me what my proudest moment was , and I told her it was when I got to come and talk to people and tell them about the good shit we 're doing over there . I lied to her . - I know . But you want to know the truth ? The proudest moment of my life was when I got to walk into my boss 's office . This was when I was working at the university . I got to walk into her office and say , Hey , I think I 'm quitting . And when she asked me why , I told her that I was going overseas with the army . For once , the whole time I worked there , she couldn 't think of anything to say for , like , a full minute . That was my proudest moment ever . How 's that for a cheap thrill ? Paul tried to pay the bill , but Amy insisted they split it . Outside , the night was clear and there were stars far above the street lights . Paul was debating what would happen next , whether he was okay to drive back to his brother 's place or if he should call a cab , but then Amy asked him if he wanted to come over for a drink . Her place was walking distance from the restaurant . It was a decent - sized two - bedroom above a law office . When they got inside , she turned on a lamp and put some quiet music on the stereo . Paul stood at the top of the stairs , thawing out from the walk . The apartment was neatly kept . There was a framed Monet print on the wall above the couch and a child 's scribbled artwork held by magnets to the refrigerator . Amy gently closed one of the bedroom doors . Paul guessed it was her daughter 's room . Despite the fact that the child was not there , it was better somehow that the door was shut . She opened a cupboard above the refrigerator . Paul caught sight of a couple of bottles . She ended up finding a twenty - sixer of Scotch , from which she poured two glasses . They took their drinks and sat on the couch . She curled against the armrest and when he looked at her she smiled and shrugged again and Paul put his glass down on the coffee table and took her glass and put it beside his and moved himself against her and that was that . - Sure . I 'm not in a real rush tomorrow morning . Here , let me up to go to the bathroom . I 'll be right back . He woke sometime later in the dark strangeness of the bedroom . There was nothing to tell him what time it was . His breathing was shallow and strained and he was hot beneath the covers . He could just make out Amy 's form beside him . He sat up and found that he was still drunk . If Amy were to wake now and ask him why he had risen , what he was doing , was he okay , he could tell her how this happened sometimes . You know , it has to do with being over there , shit I 'm just remembering . Can 't get out of my head . So take me back into your arms and care for me . The truth was , he 'd had a pretty safe tour overseas - as safe as it could be there . He had been a staff officer in the headquarters . The headquarters was tucked away in the middle of a vast and heavily fortified air base . His was a desk job where you took your pistol and your body armour and helmet with you , and mostly you stood on the receiving end of the gripes and abuses of senior officers . They bitched about incorrect file numbers or different interpretations of punctuation . They made you rewrite reports so that anything initially written as a tactical failure was rephrased as an operational challenge or a learning opportunity . Paul and the other officers he worked with quarrelled among themselves about who had used whose pen without asking , or who was shirking the number crunching on various reports , or who couldn 't spell for shit . A great deal of effort was expended on not looking incompetent . The air base got rocketed from time to time . On Paul 's second night there , jet lagged and confused , when he was walking back from the mess to the transient quarters , he heard a shrill overhead whistle followed by a handclap explosion some distance away . He dove face first into the gravel and cut his chin , and then got up and scrambled into one of the concrete rocket shelters . Four or five people had reached the shelter before him . Immediately , he could tell by their relaxed postures and their cigarettes and their mundane conversation that they had been in theatre long enough to not be bothered by the rockets anymore . And by Paul 's second month there , he had also lost interest in the attacks . Of course , the cup was eventually passed to his lips , that he too should go outside the wire for a little while . The major for whom Paul worked presented the opportunity to him one afternoon . You 've been doing a lot of great staff work , Captain Robak . There 's not much we can do to say thanks here - we can 't give you a raise - but we can get you outside , maybe get you a bit of trigger time . Paul was mildly annoyed by this prospect . He thought if his staff work was so great , why couldn 't he stay at his desk and keep doing it ? But what he told the major was , Yes sir . The major had a map of their area of operations tacked to the plywood of his office wall . Small red Xs had been markered wherever a roadside bomb had been detonated in the past couple of months . Paul 's eyes tracked along the map . In some places , the red Xs were so densely packed they almost filled the spaces between the grid lines . The night before he went out , what had started as mild annoyance degraded into terror . Sleepless terror , primordial terror . Masturbation had no effect . Paul kept thinking about the unknown persons who were already plotting his death . The mechanisms they could employ were endless . Daylight came as daylight did , and Paul reported to the commander 's escort he was to be a part of for the next couple of weeks . The escort crew had been doing this already for several months , all over the AO , and they had seen misplaced junior officers like Paul come and go . They treated him with polite , even kind indifference , implying that as long as he stayed generally out of their way and pointed his weapon in the right direction , everybody would get along . Paul took his place in one of the three armoured vehicles that made up the escort . He was sitting across from the commander 's interpreter , who was snoozing over a soft - core men 's magazine . The escort drove out of the air base . Paul looked at his watch and wondered what the hour of his demise would be . He saw the city 's squalor : the unrepaired buildings , the open sewers , the sheep carcasses dripping blood from corner butchers . Once there was a dead man in the street whom the locals were navigating around , the same way they might navigate around a small pile of garbage . He saw the countryside 's browns and greens and the mountains on the horizon . They came upon craters in the highway where previous bombs had gone off , and one time they came upon a huge , rusty bloodstain on the asphalt from a local police patrol that had been ambushed the day before . All six cops had been killed . And so other things that stayed with him reoccurred as sensory experiences . In the far west part of the AO , the sand was so fine Paul felt as if his boots were being sucked into the ground . There was a strange way that fluorescent tubes shone in compounds and shops as the evenings drew down . On the highway , there was always a smell of greasy exhaust . There was the morning when the escort was driving to one of the most remote outposts for the commander to visit the troops and speak to them and tell them what good work they were doing . To get to this outpost , the escort vehicles had to drive down a secondary route tightly enclosed on either side by mud walls and foliage . Ambushes were known to be frequent here , so Paul was supposed to stand up out of the rear hatch to keep an eye open for anything coming up behind them . There were few signs of life . No local vehicles on the narrow road . No one working in the grape fields , despite the closeness of the harvest . Then , after five or ten minutes , two men on a motorcycle appeared behind the escort . They resolved out of the dust and approached the rear vehicle steadily until Paul lifted first his hand and then his rifle . The motorcycle stopped . The men on it conferred with each other . One of them took out a mobile phone and made a call . Paul watched all of this through his rifle sights , with the reticle centred on the motorcycle driver 's chest . Then the two men turned the bike around and disappeared back the way they had come . Paul was back on the air base before long , reconfined to his desk for most of the rest of the tour , trying to find ways to make the hours and days and weeks and months go faster . One night he went for a run . He paused at the fence beside the runway to watch a large American cargo plane as it lifted improbably into the sky . The plane had climbed to about 3 , 000 feet when somebody way out in the desert fired at it . The gunner was well beyond Paul 's hearing , especially over the industrial din of the airfield , so the rounds lifted soundlessly into the sky . They were bright red streaks , maybe 200 or 300 of them , and they arced up and then vanished . They came nowhere near the airplane . Somehow , the gunfire was an oddly beautiful thing to behold , moving without sound and disappearing . Beautiful despite its purpose . Despite how it proved that in this place a will existed to bring down airplanes and detonate roadside bombs and blow up schools . He stood in Amy 's bathroom , studying himself in the mirror , wishing he was sober . He thought how a scar might suit his face . Something that would speak on his behalf . But he didn 't have a scar . And what little he had done was behind him now , and what was ahead was unwritten . He got back into Amy 's bed . She was lying on her stomach , and in the faint light her naked back was inviting . He whispered : My story doesn 't stack up to yours . Everything you 've been and done . Your little girl . Starting a business up here . My story doesn 't stack up . I 'm a fraud , and sooner or later somebody 's going to figure that out . The morning had a hungover awkwardness about it . They were two people who by daylight realized how they were really strangers to each other . Amy , however , was making enough coffee and breakfast for two . She had already set two places at the table . She was wearing sweatpants and a T - shirt , while Paul was sore headed in the clothes he had worn to dinner . In the kitchen , he kept a polite distance while she fixed their toast and eggs . The radio called for snowfall in the afternoon . They sat down . She would go to open her clinic at 10 : 30 , she told him . She had her first client at eleven o ' clock . After work , she would go to her mother 's house and pick up Becky and take her to the children 's karate class at the YMCA . Just an ordinary , boring day around town . You know how it is . He helped Amy with the breakfast dishes . After they were finished , she said she needed to have a shower before she got ready for work . He figured that probably meant it was time for him to get going , but Amy gave him a funny look , uncertain , and asked if he wanted to shower with her . Amy nodded . She stretched her body and yawned . She didn 't say anything else , but she had been right . Because while Paul 's body was joined to hers , all the rest of him was in the dust and the faint mountains and the friends and the fear and the quarrels over pen ownership and proper grammar and the absurdity of that other place . The will to destroy . The soundless gunfire in the desert , the red tracers arcing into the night sky and disappearing . And how it was that there was beauty in that . And he was also in the history classroom and the room inside the community centre . The light of the projector , the backlit heads . And as he lay stroking Amy 's leg , Paul knew then , beyond a doubt , that no matter the invitation or the honorarium or a woman he might run into in a parking lot , he would never stand up and speak for it again . For any of it .
Today is the first day in God knows how many years that I 've worked on my birthday . Last year my birthday was during the weekend , and anytime that it 's not , I take the day off . Alas , I could not do so this year since the office manager is on her yearly trip , and I have to cover for her . Despite my birthday being on a Monday and my having to work , it 's been a great day so far : - ) . I think the birthday gods are smiling down on me because this has been a very mellow work day . I 've been shown lots of love today , which I really appreciate . I 've realized that as time goes by , I get better with age ; - ) . So much has changed in my life over the past year . I 've done things I never thought I 'd have the courage to do , adding some things , getting rid of others . This blog is called The Best Me That I Can Be , and I 'm continuing to take steps to live my best life . Along the way , I 've met some great people who have enhanced my life . I 'd like to thank everyone who takes the time to read my thoughts on the world around me . I know that what I have to say is not particularly profound , but I always try to speak from my heart . Posted by A friend of mine who lives close by has been having a very tough time for quite a while . Also , because of various health problems it can be hard for her to get around . Like me , she has no family here in the Boston area , but unlike , me , both of her parents passed away . As of late , she hasn 't been feeling well , so I make it a point to check in on her to see how she 's doing . Yesterday was a pretty bad day for her , so I offered to pick up something for her to eat after I was done with work . Initially , she said yes , but then she started to feel worse , and said that I could come by another time . I knew that she needed to eat , so I told her I 'd be in the neighborhood , so I could just stop by and drop off the food . She agreed , and so that 's what I did . I planned to just hand off the stuff and leave , but she said she was feeling a bit better and invited me in . While we were chatting I assured her that it wasn 't a big deal for me to stop by . I only live a subway stop away . She said she doesn 't know enough people with that attitude , but to me , that 's just common courtesy . Like I told her , I grew up in the country , where I had to drive to see my friends . Taking the subway one stop is nothing . Also , even if I had to drive to see her , if she needed me , I 'd go . It 's pretty sad that a simple act of kindness has become such a rarity in today 's society . To me it makes perfect sense to visit a friend who 's unwell , and to bring them whatever they might need . I know that in many regards I 'm an anomaly , but this is ridiculous ! Posted by Lately I 've been encountering people who , for some reason or other , have low self - esteem . Many of them are absolutely wonderful , but they can only see their flaws . Newsflash : We all have flaws . None of us is perfect . Plus perfection is actually rather boring . Looking at myself objectively , I think my belly is too flabby and that my thighs are too fat , but those are just two minor parts of a whole person . When you look at those things in conjunction with the rest of me , I 'm not half bad ; - ) . A friend of mine has someone in her life that she cares about , but he treats her badly . He 's selfish and rude . She did him a huge favor , and when I say huge , I mean life - altering . In return he can 't even be bothered to treat her with decency . Her life would be exponentially better if she cut ties with him , but she won 't . I asked her if she loved him more than she loves herself . Without hesitation she said " Yes " . She believes that his life is worth so much more than hers . When are people going to understand that every human life is valuable ? I have a major problem with these assholes that go around killing innocent people because they 're pissed off about something or depressed . If you 're messed up , don 't be trying to take other people with you . Although I feel every human life is important , if someone wants to die , that 's on them , not me . It 's not necessary or fair to take innocent people 's lives . Although it took me a while to come around to this way of thinking , I do love myself . My love for myself has less to do with how I look and more to do with how I feel . Right now I have a really good life , a part of which I spend letting other people know just how special I think they are . The things I say to them aren 't empty flattery because I feel there 's no point in lying to people in that way . If I see something about you that I like or that I think is noteworthy , I 'm going to tell you . Most of the time I get the response " You 're so nice " . Yes , I 'm a nice person , but I 'm not saying it to be nice . I am being completely and totally honest . If there 's good in you ( which there is in most of us ) I will be able to see it . Some of you try to hide it underneath a gruff exterior , but I can see right through it : - ) . For those of you that are having a hard time loving yourself , remember this . It 's a cliche , but cliches exist because they 're based in truth . Until you love yourself , it 's not possible for you to truly love someone else . It 's not possible to let another person see who you truly are unless you love yourself . My ex - boyfriend said that I never let him in . There 's truth to that statement . Because I wasn 't comfortable with myself , I wasn 't comfortable letting him see all of me . That 's just one of a myriad of reasons why things didn 't work out between us . You all know from the URL of this blog that I have an immense love for Gavin DeGraw . His music has changed my life . As a live performer he is beyond compare . I got the opportunity to see him twice last week in two different settings . The first one was a fairly large crowd and made me feel kind of like I was at a sporting event . It wasn 't a stadium or anything like that , but it had a very impersonal feel . I 'm used to seeing Gavin in much closer quarters . I found that performance to be a bit lackluster , not the least of which was because of the sound engineering . I also felt like his set was very generic , which felt right in line with the direction that I see his career going in . Luckily , I didn 't pay money for that particular show . One of my friends won free tickets and asked if I 'd like to go with her . I also got to meet up with some other friends , so the night wasn 't a total loss . To be perfectly honest , I was dreading going to the show the following night , especially since it was in Hyannis ( Cape Cod ) and I had to drive to get there . Had it not been for the fact that a friend was depending on me for a ride , I wouldve stayed home . All I can say is thank God I didn 't stay home ! The second show was in a more intimate setting and Gavin was able to connect with his audience . That 's what was missing from the show the night before . I bet all he could see is light and just the faces in the front row . Not so , at this smaller venue , which has a rotating stage . Every seat in the house was a good one . I had an excellent view of him and was able to take a few pics . Unfortunately , I forgot to put my memory card back in my camera from the last time I downloaded pics onto my computer , so I couldn 't take very many . Regardless , Gavin electrified the crowd , so much so that the tent we were under was like a sauna ! I was covered in sweat by the time his set was over . Words can 't describe how happy I was to see the " old Gavin " performing on that stage . I know the more intimate shows don 't bring in as much money as shows in larger venues , but Gavin does his best shows when he can really interact with the crowd , which is hard to do when you can 't even SEE them . In the future , if he keeps playing such impersonal venues , I will pick and choose the shows that I go to , looking for the ones with more atmosphere . I almost gave up on him , not as a musician , but as a performer . When you know and have seen what someone can do , it 's heartbreaking to see them stray away from that formula . Yeah , we all want money ( some of us more than others ) , but as far as I know , he owns the licensing rights to his songs , so he 'll make money until the day he dies , purely off royalties . His work to build a grassroots following paid off in that his fanbase is a very loyal one . I got to hang with some of those awesome loyal fans at both shows . What we have in common , besides our love of good music , is that we look out for each other . We 're aPosted by Two years ago today my ex - boyfriend broke up with me . At the time I was devastated , and after this blog post I will no longer be posting specifically about that particular break - up . I might occasionally mention it in passing because you never know what life may bring . Although I was blindsided by the timing , the end of my relationship with my ex was a long time coming . In many ways , it may have been over as soon as it began . When you 're in a relationship with someone that you feel you can 't tell your friends and family the whole truth about , that relationship is doomed . For almost five years I lied by ommission to my mother , the most important person in my life . I also rationalized the lies that I told myself . If " loving " someone makes you go against your morals and the beliefs that you hold dear , walk away before you 're in too deep . Although my intuition was constantly telling me to detach from the situation , I stayed out of sheer stubbornness . Plus , I 'm someone that will never give up on you if I feel like I can help you . If you only take one thing away from this post , let it be this . No matter how much you love someone , that love means absolutely nothing if they don 't love themselves . A person has to feel worthy of love and treat themselves with loving kindness before they can receive love . My ex was practically alone in this world . Due to his upbringing , he and his mother were more like acquaintances than family . I have a tendency to want to embrace those who have lost their way , and in many ways he and I were kindred spirits . He knew what it was like to grow up poor , and he had seen the ugly side of life . I realized , too late , our common struggles weren 't enough to keep us together . Whereas I embraced my past and evolved , he did not . I think a part of him is somewhat ashamed of where he came from so he acts almost as if that 's no longer a part of who he is . Those of you who frequent this blog know about my humble beginnings and how I 've let them be an impetus for me to try and have a better life than I might 've otherwise had . Last night was my last yoga teacher training class . I 'm officially a registered yoga teacher . I can 't believe I made it . Prior to the beginning of the program I wasn 't even going to do the training . A deposit of $ 600 was required at registration which was in December of last year . I knew I wouldn 't have that money by the deadline so I thought I 'd wait until I saved the money before I did the training . Thought maybe I 'd catch it next year . I mentioned to a friend that I wanted to do the training but didn 't have the money . She told me to email the yoga studio owner ( who would be doing the training ) and let her know that I was interested . I knew that I 'd have that $ 600 by the beginning of the training , but not before . I contacted Krista ( the studio owner ) and let her know my situation . She said that I could give her a check for $ 600 to hold my spot in the program , but that she wouldn 't cash it until January . By the time the yoga teacher training program started , I had all of my money and I was ready to roll . The rest of the money for the program was paid in installments . Every month I gave Krista a check . How I managed to carve out that payment every month from my finances is truly beyond me . Before teacher training I never would 've thought I could 've handled another monthly expense , but the universe provided for me . Along the way I 've changed physically , mentally , and spiritually . I 've made some wonderful friends , and I 've acquired a skill that I can use to help people for the rest of my life . I will be forever grateful to my friend who convinced me to go for it . I just knew there was no way I 'd ever have the money to do it , but she gave me the best piece of advice ever . She said " Just jump . The money will be there when you need it . " She was right . My faith in what 's meant to be has always been strong , but the money aspect of things sometimes shakes my faith a bit . In my heart I 've always known that I 'm going to make it , but this phase in my life has taught me about what 's really important . First and foremost we need to take care of ourselves . Also , we aren 't what we wear or what we own . Stripping away all of the extraneous shit that we impose on ourselves will bring us closer to the divine , which resides in each and every one of us . It seems like writing yesterday 's blog post broke the ice for me to start updating this blog again . When I last talked about my life story , we were in the apartment I was sharing with a college friend after I graduated . My privacy had been well and truly violated , which I totally was not digging . One thing I forgot to tell you is that when I spoke to her about my not being happy with boundaries being overstepped , she said that where she 's from that type of behavior is okay . I was thinking " Really ? I 'm from rural Georgia , and although we aren 't the most couth people , even that doesn 't fly with us . " After all of that went down I knew that I couldn 't trust her , and went about my business for the rest of the summer . I found out that she was planning to move back home for a bit and then move to Las Vegas with her sister , so once our lease was up , she was out . On the day that she actually moved I didn 't know she was leaving until I got home from work that afternoon . There was a note on my bed telling me that she was gone and that I owed her money for my part of the utilities . She included her parents ' address so that I could send the money . I fully intended to send the money until I went into her old room and saw the note that she left for the freeloader girl . In the note she went on and on about what a great friend freeloader girl had been to her and how maybe she could visit her once she moved to Vegas with her sister . Wtf ? ! I was the one who got her out of a jam when she needed someone to take over half of the lease . I 'm the one whose stuff her family and friends commandeered why I wasn 't there . All I got was " You owe me money . Send it to this address . " While this other girl who did nothing but mess up dishes without washing them , as well as not taking a turn cleaning the bathroom gets " You have been such a good friend to me . " After reading that I knew there was no damn way she was ever getting the money that I owed her for utilities . When it comes right down to it , I got screwed in that deal . Looking back on it I jPosted by Hi , everyone . Did you miss me ? I know it 's been a long time since we last saw each other and there 's definitely still more of my life story to tell . I 've been very busy with my yoga teacher training and in three weeks I 'll be all done . There 's a big push to get some practice teaching done , so I 've been trying to line up some private sessions with friends and colleagues . I also plan to set up another blog that will be centered around yoga . This journey is just beginning for me and I am looking forward to sharing with you all of the things that I learn along the way . Posted by . . . until you live with them . It 's such a cliche , but so true . Although the story I 'm about to tell you happened almost 14 years ago , the retelling of it makes me feel like I 'm right back there in the summer of 1998 . In July of that year my younger brother was graduating from basic training as a Marine , so I took a trip down South to go with my family to his graduation . Before leaving the apartment for my trip , I closed my bedroom door . Off I went to enjoy some family time , secure in the belief that everything would be the way that I left it when I got home . Boy , was I wrong ! First of all , on the cab ride home I was thinking about the fact that I had strawberry Pop - Tarts , and I was looking forward to having one . Get home , go in the kitchen , no Pop - Tarts . Ask my roommate if she 's seen my Pop - Tarts and her response was " My mom must 've eaten them . " I 'm thinking " Your mom ? " Apparently her parents were in town while I was gone , and they stayed in the apartment , rather than booking a room in a hotel . Supposedly they slept in her room , while she and her clubbing buddy slept in mine . Strike one : My Pop - Tarts are gone . I go into my bedroom to unpack my stuff and notice that there are keys on my bed . Here we go again . Back to my roommate 's room to ask her about the keys . Her response was " Oh those must be Paul 's keys . We watched a movie in your room the other night , and he must 've left them there . " What ? They watched a movie in my room ? Strike two : My roommate and some dude were rolling around on my bed . Putting stuff away in my closet I noticed that my bathrobe wasn 't hanging inside on the door . Why do I have to keep asking this girl about my shit ? Off I go to her room yet again . Ask her if she 's seen my bathrobe . She asks what color it is , and when I tell her , she informs me that her mother slept in it while she was there . Apparently she thought it belonged to freeloader girl . You remember freeloader girl from my previous post , right ? The million dollar question is : How would her mom even know about the existence of that robe unless she was in my room while she was visiting ? That pretty much tells me that this chick 's parents slept in my bed . Strike three : Some woman I don 't even know is sleeping in my robe . After that , I really had very little to do with this girl because I was raised to respect other people 's property and to not touch something that isn 't mine without permission . Where I 'm from , a closed bedroom door when someone isn 't home means " Do Not Enter " . Invasion of privacy , anyone ? For any of you that have ever been in therapy , you know that it takes a long time to change deeply ingrained behaviors . It 's easy to fall back into the patterns that you 've been following for your whole life . As I mentioned before , I 'm an emotional eater . Weight gain is a sure sign that I 'm upset or depressed about something . The time that I spent in therapy had helped me to cope with things without feeling the need to overeat because I had a place where I could go to let all of those feelings out . By the the time I graduated from college I had lost weight and was feeling good about myself . Right after graduation I decided to share an apartment with a friend of mine that was in the same degree program as I was . Her roommate had broken the lease and she needed someone to live there until the lease was up . Because I wanted to continue living in Boston , it seemed like the perfect opportunity . But then as the saying goes , you never know someone until you live with them . In the beginning things started out well , but then I found out that she was letting a friend of hers crash there and share her bedroom . I know what you 're thinking . If her friend is living there , why couldn 't her friend help with the rent ? That 's a valid question . Because it was her place that I was moving into , I didn 't feel like I could ask that question . Looking back , I think how much easier it would 've been if we each had paid a third of the rent . I guess the other girl figured that as long as she didn 't pay rent she wasn 't responsible for any of the housework . She was a great one for using the dishes and then not washing them . It made for a great existence for the three months that I was there . Speaking with a counselor at Berklee 's counseling center was definitely necessary in order for me to work through my grief . This was the first time that someone I was close to had died . There had been deaths of relatives , but those happened when I was very , very young . Plus this was the death of someone with whom I was in love . I was in counseling for the rest of the school year , then I went back to Georgia for the summer . In some ways it was easier being home than it was being in Boston . I was around my family , which was nice . My mom and I are very close , so it was great to get to see her every day for three months . Once the summer was over , things were kind of tough . Pretty much everywhere around the campus of Berklee was filled with memories of Mr . Nice Guy . I would come to a street corner and be reminded of the day that he gave me the last bite of his biscotti . To this day that 's a memory that makes me smile . He was such a sweet person . Although I was coming to terms with my grief , October was a hard month for me . The time around my birthday was hard , too , because he died a little less than a month after my 21st birthday . For a long time I would fall into a depression during the autumn months and it would last through the winter into spring . Sometimes it even stretched into summer . Sometimes it didn 't end for a year or two . During my senior year of college I continued to see the counselor , but he had gone into private practice , so I had to pay to see him . I ended up in tears during at least 80 % of our sessions , if not more . It was something that I needed at that time in my life because it helped me work through much more than the grief I was feeling . An email from a friend inspired me to elaborate on a remark I made about some white people not feeling comfortable around black people . When I was in elementary school one of my friends was having a sleepover . She didn 't invite me because her mom said she " didn 't want me to feel uncomfortable being the only black person there . " She may have meant well , or she may have been projecting her feelings onto me . God only knows for sure . For the first seven years of my educational life , I was the only black person in the room for at least six hours a day . Why on earth should that bother me ? We all speak English . We all eat with utensils held in our hands . We all wear clothes . We all wear shoes . I 'm sure you see my point . My whole life that 's been my take on things . Most of the time I go about my business , doing my own thing , while others do theirs . Occasionally I 'll experience a situation that slaps me " black to reality " . It 's not that I forget that I 'm black . As the title clearly states , it 's hard for me not to know . It 's that I forget that it still matters to other people that I 'm black . There has been more than one incidence of my getting on the subway , sitting down across from an older white person , and watching as that person gets up and goes to another seat . I can tell by the look of disgust on the person 's face that they 're moving because I sat down . It would be a different story if I sat right beside them when there are so many seats to choose from , but I 'm sitting across from them . How sad is it that a person has such an issue with me being in their line of sight , that they feel the need to get up ? You may think it 's just older people who are like this , but I had an ugly incident with a younger person take place when I was waiting to cross the street one night . At that particular intersection , I know the cycle of the traffic lights and knew that the light would be red for a few minutes while traffic from the opposite direction got the green light , in order to allow the people on that side to make a left turn . As I was starting to cross the street , the light on my side turned green , so I went back to the curb . As I was standing there , a car drove by and there was a white teenaged boy hanging out the window . He threw something at me as he shouted " Fucking nigger ! " Because he doesn 't understand the laws of physics , whatever he threw missed me completely . Why such anger ? I wasn 't holding up traffic . As soon as that light turned green I scurried out of the way . I must admit that encounter shook me up a bit . I hadn 't felt pure hatred like that directed toward me by a stranger in a very long time . Regardless , I still refuse to go through the world in a defensive posture . The words you regret most in life are the ones that remain unsaid . The untimely death of Mr . Nice Guy threw me into a tailspin . For the first couple of weeks , not a day went by that I didn 't cry . To know that I would never see that smiling face or feel his arms around me again was almost more than I could take . All I wanted to do was sleep . When I wasn 't in class , which I was now known to skip , depending on the class , I was sleeping . Food and sleep were my escape from the pain . Whenever I had to interact with anyone in class , I felt like I was standing outside myself . The world was a movie , and I was a mere observer . I felt very isolated . To a certain degree I shut down . My friend who always pointed out my accent didn 't understand the amount of pain I was feeling . She kept trying to get me to go out and do things with her and her boyfriend , but I was grieving . Because I didn 't know how to vocalize my pain I froze her out . My schoolwork had started to suffer , and one of my professors said something to me about it . I told her what was going on with me , and she suggested that I visit Berklee 's counseling center to talk to a counselor . At this point I want to stop and tell you that for pretty much my whole life I 've felt like I needed to be in therapy . You know my background . Though I was never abused , actually , what my paternal grandmother did to us could be considered verbal abuse , as well as emotional abuse . Regardless , I 've always felt different , not only because I was a little black girl in a mostly white environment , but also because of the way my parents ( more specifically , my mom ) raised me . A lot of black children are raised to be angry and to hate white people . As soon as they step out into the world , they assume a defensive posture . I wasn 't raised to hate white people , and there was very little anger in my household toward whites . Sometimes my dad exhibited it because of some of the prejudice he endured while growing up , but for my mom it was different . Her views and her tolerance are what shaped me as a That being said , I grew into a kind , sensitive , loving , shy woman with a strong sense of morality . That doesn 't play very well when you start going to school with more black kids and they think that in order to be black you have to be loud and obnoxious . I didn 't really fit in with most of them , and although I was very comfortable around white people , they weren 't necessarily all comfortable around me . Another thing that contributed to my feeling out of place is the fact that before I left for college my mom recommended that I stifle the sarcastic side of my personality so as not to alienate people in my new surroundings . I know she meant well , but for a really long time I wasn 't sure who I was supposed to be . Yes , sometimes my sarcasm could be hurtful , but it fell more under the category of not suffering fools gladly . Back to seeing the counselor . I made an appointment with a counselor at Berklee 's counseling center . Although I naturally thought if I was ever in counseling / therapy it would be with a woman , my counselor ended up being a man who wasn 't that much older than me . He was also very attractive , but once I started talking about my pain , his attractiveness was an afterthought . My girl Cathy Keisha tagged me in a post on her blog in an effort to learn more about me . I 'm already baring my soul on this blog . What more does she want ? She 's so demanding , that one ! CK and I met through Twitter . She 's a sista like me , so we bonded immediately . Her disposition is also similar to my kitty Topaz 's so how can I not love her ? Mattie : Here 's my little sweet tater . He loves everyone and everyone loves him . Let 's see how he describes himself . Bet he 'll use the word " smexy " ; - ) . Sophomore year without Mr . Nice Guy was kind of like a settling in period for me . A lot of time was spent getting to know my way around Boston . I felt like I was finally finding my place . Just before the beginning of junior year I was walking around Boston enjoying the warm weather , when who should I see on the street corner , but Mr . Nice Guy ! He came up to me and gave me a big hug and then apologized for being sweaty from riding his bike . Do you think I cared that he was sweaty ? Of course not ! We did the usual chitchat thing , and he told me that he was kind of sad that his old roommate that he moved off - campus with left school . At the time his next words didn 't really register that much . He said , " Now that I 'm living with a cop it should be easier for me to stay sober . " I thought his sobriety was firmly in hand , so I didn 't think twice about his words . After that day I saw him all the time . One day I was headed back to the dorms after class and was waiting to cross the street . As I 'm standing there , he comes walking up to me from the other direction . We hug , and chat for a few minutes . He 's eating biscotti and gets down to the last bite . He offers it to me , but I don 't want to take it because it 's the last bite . He 's like " Come on . It 's the last bite . " So I take it and we part ways . I remember having a warm feeling inside because he gave me the last bite of his biscotti . Cheesy , I know , but I 'm a romantic at heart . Another time I ran into him a day or two before my 21st birthday . I told him that me and some friends were going out to celebrate and invited him along , but he had other plans . He was like " I 'll have to buy you a beer sometime . " Of course I don 't drink and I let him know that . With a hug we parted at the corner , and I spent the rest of the day all dreamy - eyed from having seen him again . Because we kept running into each other so frequently I just knew this was a sign . My love for him had been rekindled so I decided it was time to lay it all on the line . I found out his student mailbox number and decided to send him a note . Basically the note said I missed hanging out with him and that maybe we could get together . I gave him my number and told him to call me . So I dropped it off at the student mailroom and then I waited . A few days go by , no phone call . A week goes by , no phone call . I finally actually see him in the mailroom one day while I 'm checking my mail . We hug and I ask him if he got my note . He said yes , but that he lost it along with $ 200 that he had in his pocket . He told me he 'd definitely like to hang out and asked for my number . He also gave me his . That weekend I called him , but his roommate answered the phone and said he wasn 't there . I left a message for him to call me , and the waiting began again . A few days later I was on the phone telling my mom about how I had called him and he hadn 't called me back when call waiting beeped in . Lo and behold it was Mr . Nice Guy returning my phone call . Apparently he had been in the studio doing some recording ( he was a drummer ) , and found the message that I had called on a note on the refrigerator . He said that he had recorded some really good stuff , and that I should come over sometime and listen to it . In my mind I was thinking " Yes ! " . I was thinking that maybe we 'd finally be alone together so that I could confess my feelings to him . He said he 'd let me know when I could come over . That next week I saw him outside a convenience store across from my dorm . I was walking with the friend of mine who used to always point out my accent and she didn 't like him . He didn 't really like her either , but that 's beside the point . I remember he was eating a small bag of Baked Lay 's and he offered us both some . He was always really kind like that . We all chatted for a bit and then she and I left . Little did I know that was the last time I 'd ever see him . That next week during my usual travels around campus I kept expecting to see him , but I never did . The night of October 20 , 1996 into the morning of October 21 , 1996 was awful for me . During the night I kept having the recurring nightmare that someone had slit the throats of the cast of the show " Friends " . I could see the bright red blood from the slashes on their throats and their heads were lolling back . I 'd wake up from it , but everytime I fell asleep I would see that same image again . The next morning I felt awful , like a cloak of misery had been draped around me . I didn 't want to get out of bed . It was so bad that I skipped my first class that day , which was at 9 : 00 in the morning . When I did get out of bed I looked out the window to the church across the street . I saw a statue of an angel there , but all I could think of was how awful I felt . It was such a gloomy day outside , which matched the feelings inside me . Finally I decided to go to my afternoon class . At the end of class I saw my roommate standing outside the door . When I walked up to her and asked her what was up , I couldn 't believe the words that came out of her mouth . She said , " Mr . Nice Guy is dead . " My immediate response was " You 're lying ! " She said no and went on to tell me that there was a sign in the Production and Engineering Department ( since that was his major ) announcing it . We walked to the department so that I could see the sign for myself . There it was in black and white . That 's when my world came crashing down around me . My roommate and accent girl both had to go to class , so I went back to my room . With tears streaming down my face , I immediately called my mom . When she answered the phone the first words out of my mouth were " He 's dead ! " Of course she had no clue who I was talking about . Through my sobs I explained to her what I had found out . Word was he had been hit by a car while riding his bike . Later accent girl told me she heard he had OD 'd . It didn 't matter to me how he died . All I knew was that the man I loved had died before I had the chance to express my feelings to him . After I hung up with my mom all I could do was cry . I sat on the floor of my dormroom and bawled like a baby . I cried so hard that I literally made myself sick . At one point I had to go to the bathroom and throw up . The next day there was a memorial service for him at school . My roommate and I went , but all I could do is sit there as my tears flowed . How was it possible that my first real love had been taken from me ? As many of you know , I 'm in the process of training to become a yoga teacher . As a part of that training I attend a class every Tuesday night , for three hours , where I learn to break down the poses and teach them to people . I also learn aspects of the philosophy of yoga . The truths of yoga philosophy are deep , yet simple . A lot of people assume that if you 're a yoga practitioner , you must be Buddhist or Hindu . Yoga isn 't affiliated with any particular religion but encompasses the basic tenets of all religions . I have no real religious leanings . My parents are Southern Baptists , but I never had any interest in tethering myself to a specific religion . I do believe that there is a higher being or a higher state of being . I refer to it as God because that 's the easiest thing to do . Yoga philosophy describes God as the divine , whether that be a holy spirit , a figurehead , or the sense of the divine that we all carry within ourselves . Joy , compassion , perseverance , and gratitude are all encouraged in the yogic philosophy . There is no one path to the divine . There are many divergent paths , and it 's up to you to choose the one that works for you . In that observation , I see a message of tolerance . We all come from very different places , but for the most part we want the same things . Since my last installment regarding the life and times of Michelle Stringer , I know many of you have been dying to know what happened next . Amazingly enough , I rarely ever saw Mr . Nice Guy during my sophomore year of college . He and one of the guys that he roomed with freshman year got an apartment off - campus . Since we weren 't on the same track as far as which degrees we were pursuing , we didn 't have any classes together . I missed him , but there were other things going on . I was spending more and more time with my girls , as well as exploring more of Boston . I know that 's not the answer you were all looking for , but that 's the way things ended up being . Looking back on it , my sophomore year was actually kind of boring . . . You may have noticed that I haven 't really been doing my weekly weigh - in blog post . The reason for that is to take some of the focus off my weight - loss journey . There will be ups and downs and I need to make sure that I 'm okay with that because I 'm in this for life . One of my Twitter friends is also on a weight - loss journey , and yesterday she tweeted that her trainer told her that a newspaper wanted to do a story on her and her weight - loss . Her first reaction was " But I 'm still overweight . " By uttering those words , she effectively negated all of the progress that she has made . I got her to look at it all from a different perspective by telling her it 's not about how much work she has left to do , it 's about the work that she 's already done . When we have our eyes on the prize , that 's the only thing that matters to us . That tunnel - vision stops us from seeing the successes that we 've already realized . Weight Watchers encourages its members to celebrate the small victories because eventually they will add up to become large ones . In Sanskrit there 's a saying " Pada pada " and it can be loosely translated to mean " Step by step " . In life we must take all things step by step . When I get to my goal weight my life isn 't going to magically change . I 'll still be the same Michelle , just not as heavy ; - ) . My goal weight is not my destination . It 's a milestone along the journey . Once I reach that milestone , it will be time for me to reassess my path and make any changes that might be necessary . Two weeks ago I lost 3 . 4lbs , which was great , but of course a bit of hubris came in and the following week I gained . I brought myself back down to earth , got back on plan , and am happy to report that I lost 1 . 4lbs this week . Posted by I 've gotten a request or two for a description of Mr . Nice Guy from my freshman year in college . So here goes nothing . He was tall and lanky with broad shoulders . He had short brown hair and brown eyes , and wore these cute little glasses with round lenses . One of the things I loved most about him was his smile . It lit up his whole face . He was a midwestern boy from Kansas and one of the nicest people I ever met . I think the fact that he was so nice is what made me fall hard for him . After we spent time together on my 19th birthday , I would sometimes hang out with him and his roommates in his dorm room . Whenever I saw him he always seemed very happy to see me and would greet me with a big hug . For those of you who don 't know , I absolutely love hugs , so to get a hug from this tall , fine man would always make my day . One of the not - so - great things is that Mr . Nice Guy had been in rehab back in Kansas at some point during his freshman year at University of Kansas . Apparently he ran with a crowd that was heavily into drugs . One night when I was hanging out with one of his roommates , he came in the room all upset . Apparently one of his buddies from his drug days in Kansas was using again . Mr . Nice Guy felt that his friend was in trouble and that maybe the guy 's parents needed to be made aware so that they could step in . He was so afraid to make that phone call to his friend 's parents , but like any good friend , he knew it had to be done . I sat on the floor beside him as he made that call , and I could hear the tears in his voice . Much later I thought to myself " I should 've held his hand while he made that call " , but I didn 't . Instead , once he hung up the phone I asked him if he needed a hug . He said yes , and I hugged him tight . He thanked me and told me that I was a good friend . Soon after , I left and went to my room . Little did I know , that situation was a foreshadowing of things to come . In an earlier post I wrote about the fact that I no longer have a a desire to have straight hair . For most of my adult life I 've worn it long and straight . I thank God that I never got it chemically straightened . Actually , that 's more than likely the reason why I have such long thick hair now . On Saturday I went to get it done , and when my hairstylist asked what I wanted her to do , I wasn 't quite sure . She had a magazine at her station and showed me a picture of a woman with her hair in an intricate braided style . I told her I really liked it . Instead of braids she did double - strand twists . The end result was this : For those of you who may be wondering , yes , that 's all my own hair ; - ) . Told ya it was thick ! With this hairstyle , I feel liberated . Part of yoga is finding one 's true self , and I think that it has helped me to get closer to my true self by helping me to realize that wearing my hair in its natural state has now become a part of my identity . In pictures from two or three years ago when I had straight hair , it looks great , and I look happy . When I think about it , I realize that I still look the same as I did back then . The thing that has changed is my perception of how I look . I am seriously going through a process of awakening . As I settled into my new life in Boston , I of course also had to go to classes . A music college is like a foreign land as compared to your standard college . There were general education classes that were required , but for the first two years you focus on music theory and sight - reading music , which means you should be able to figure out a tune when given a sheet of music based purely on the key it 's written in and the starting pitch . Because my singing experience was with choirs , those things didn 't come very easily for me . I met a girl in my sight - reading class that ended up being a really good friend . We used to do our homework for that class together . She definitely helped me to make it through that stuff . Because my school was about 80 % male , I was friends with a lot of guys . Seeing as I grew up with two brothers and a host of male cousins , I was very comfortable hanging out with guys . I understood their sense of humor and I knew that if I was sarcastic with one of them , they wouldn 't take it the wrong way . Some girls have a really hard time with sarcasm . Why that is , I have no idea . Both of the girls that I became good friends with lived on the same floor of the dorm so when I went to see them , I 'd have an opportunity to meet some of the guys that lived on that floor , too . One guy in particular was so nice to me . We became fast friends . The thing that sealed our friendship is the fact that we hung out together on my 19th birthday . Initially I was going to hang out with one of my girls ( the one who always felt the need to point out my accent ) , but she totally blew me off . On my way back from her room , I met up with Mr . Nice Guy . He was on his way to Boston Harbor and asked if I 'd like to come along . At this point I hadn 't done much exploring , so it was nice to be able to take a walk around with someone . We walked through the Public Garden and Boston Common as we made our way to the Harbor . It was a very companionable walk . I don 't remember what we chatted about but I remember really enjoying being there with him . Once we got to the Harbor , we sat on the sea wall and dangled our feet over the edge . It was a beautiful fall night and it was starting to get dark . There were boats on the water and the city was starting to light up . I think that night is probably what inspired my love of being outside in the city once night fell . Also , looking back on it , I think that night is when I fell in love with him . He was a beautiful person inside and out and I was touched by the fact that he chose to spend his time with me when he could 've been doing a host of other things . At the time , I had no idea that the seed of love had been planted , but over the next couple of years it would grow . Those of you who read about the debacle with my hairdresser know that I took my braids out and had my hair straightened for the first time in about nine months or so . The first day after I had it done I was like " Oh this is really nice . It looks very pretty . " Day two rolled around and I was like " Okay , this isn 't as straight as it was yesterday . " By the time day three rolled around I was like " Ugh ! This sucks ! I 'm not used to feeling hair on the back of my neck ! " Initially I thought my issue was with the fact that my hair is long , therefore I decided that I needed to get it cut . After spending some time online looking at short haircuts , I realized that I no longer like the way my hair looks when it 's straight . I feel like straight hair is very much a part of my past and the way that my life used to be . It reminds me of being with my ex and how I let myself be subjugated by that relationship . Also , ever since I took my braids out , it seems that things have been going wrong . I keep getting a later start than I would like to when leaving to go places . There was an incident here at work that was reminiscent of something that would 've happened in the past when I was with my ex and cloaked in the apathy that surrounded him . I 'm not a superstitious person , but I do believe that everyone and everything possesses a certain type of energy . I now feel a lot of negative energy associated with my hair being straight . Luckily I 'll be going to get that taken care of on Saturday afternoon . Yes , with the same person who straightened it , but once it 's done I already have someone else in the pipeline that I plan to check out . I think a lot of what I 'm realizing right now has to do with my going through the process of yoga teacher training . Yogic philosophy teaches you to detach from the things that aren 't important or that don 't serve to make your life peaceful . My straight hair is actually causing me stress and anxiety . I don 't like the way it looks and I end up pulling it back into a ponytail , which is a waste of the $ 60 I paid tMichelle Yesterday was my weigh - in day for Weight Watchers . As you may remember from last week , I didn 't go to Weight Watchers because I was supposed to get my hair done . That ended up being one of the worst Thursdays I 've had in a while . I 'm happy to say that I bounced back this week and had a very good Thursday . Bet you 're wondering what made it so good , aren 't you ? I 'm trying to decide whether or not I should keep you in suspense for a while ; - ) . Just kidding ! I won 't torture you like that . The thing that made my Thursday good is the fact that , after continually gaining a pound or two and losing less than a pound when not gaining , I was down 3 . 4lbs when I stepped on the scale . That 's totally not the result I was expecting . I feel like I ate a lot over the past week . I think the fact that I 'm doing more yoga and more walking is what counteracted all of the food I 've been eating . It was a nice surprise . I thought my pants felt looser when I put them on yesterday morning , but I wasn 't sure whether or not my mind was playing tricks on me , hahaha ! ! ! My goal is to lose again next week . I don 't expect to lose another 3lbs because that 's not realistic . I 'd be happy with just one : - ) . During the last installment of my life story you read about how I got rejected by one college , but accepted by another . Neither of these colleges was in Georgia so it was time for me to well and truly leave the nest . The trip that my parents and I took to Boston during the fall of 1994 was the first time any of us had flown on a plane . I had never set eyes on Boston and my biggest point of reference besides the Boston Tea Party was the fact that New Edition and New Kids on the Block were from there , hahaha ! ! ! I had no fear about living in a place that I knew so little about . When my parents and I arrived in Boston it was starting to get chilly . Fall weather had already arrived , while back in Georgia it still felt like summer . I remember our first full day in Boston included going to the sporting goods store across the street from Berklee 's main building to buy me a jacket . The next day it rained , and the day after that the sun came out . That was my first experience with how changeable the weather is in New England . Compared to most people from Georgia I 've never had much of an accent , but of course to New England ears I do . Probably because I pronounce my Rs ; - ) . One of the first girls I met , who ended up being one of my best friends , would constantly ask me to say certain words . Whenever we 'd meet someone new , the first words out of her mouth were " Listen to that accent ! " It actually annoyed me a little bit because I wasn 't the only person there with an accent . Berklee has a very large international population . My roommate my freshman year was a junior and spent all of her time in her boyfriend 's room since he had a single room . Because of that fact , it was like I had a single room , too . I never had to worry about anyone having a problem with my friends coming over to hang out . The downside was that I was away from my family and all alone . At first I didn 't even have a phone in my room so I had to use the payphone in the hallway of the dorm . This was before everyone had cellphones so about a month into my first semester I had a phone put in my room . Every person that goes straight from high school to college should experience at least one year of living in the dorms . It 's like living in a community of people with common interests but different experiences . For people from small towns , college may be the first time that they 've had any first - hand experience with someone of another race . If someone is an only child , they get to see what 's it 's like to have to share a room and a bathroom with one or two other people . The experience is even better when you can live in a college town like Boston . As many of you know , I 'm currently in training to become a yoga teacher . Every Tuesday night I go to a three - hour class where we discuss and practice poses , as well as discussing the philosophy of yoga . The philosophy is set out in what is known as the yoga sutras . One of the sutras last night included the words " protect your peace " , meaning to protect your inner peace and well - being . We often let other people disturb the peacefulness that we are sometimes able to find within ourselves . For example , you 're outside enjoying a gorgeous , sunny day . As you start to cross the street ( at the crosswalk ) , a driver comes speeding by and doesn 't even slow down . You jump back so as not to get run over , and your right arm automatically flies up and your middle finger makes an apprearance . That careless driver just disturbed your peace . The beauty of the day is now lost on you because of the anger you feel at someone you don 't even know . You just gave that stranger a lot of power . Another way that your peace can be disturbed is by fostering an imbalance in your relationships . You know there are things you need to do for yourself in order to maintain your own well - being , but whenever you try to do those things , your friend or mate approaches you with a request . Because selflessness may be a part of your nature , you defer your own needs in order to meet the needs of others . By doing that , you 're letting your friends and loved ones disturb your peace . What 's the point of you making all of those people happy or satisfying their needs when your own needs go unmet ? If your needs continue to go unmet , resentment starts to build in your heart . From that resentment arises anger , apathy , depression , and a whole host of other negative emotions . This becomes the perfect set - up for the severing of ties with the ones that you care about . At the time it will make perfect sense for you to walk away from them , but when you look back on it later , you 'll wonder how you let it get to that point . Protect your peace so that you can live a happy and fulfilling life . When you feel that peace being disturbed , quiet that disturbance with the knowledge that you have the power to bring yourself right back to that place of peace and that only you can determine whether or not someone else will disturb it . I know that 's the question you 've all been asking yourselves since you read about my hair salon debacle . Rest asssured that I 'm not hopping around behind someone with my right foot stuck in their ass . One thing I will say though is that the infamous Maria didn 't call me to confirm my appointment . Instead I got a text from my hairdresser saying that she could take me right after work . Maybe she was afraid I might cuss Maria out . Who knows ? Anyway , me and my big , bushy head of hair made it to the salon right after work . Luckily I wasn 't getting braids done again or I would 've been there forever . When I walked into the salon , my hairdresser and the owner both greeted me , but Maria didn 't . That made me go " Hmmm . . . " Although there was no one at the sink having their hair washed , I sat there for a good 15 minutes before Maria called me over to the sink . Not quite sure what that was about , but whatever . Finally she calls me over to wash my hair . Normally she 's very chatty when she 's washing my hair , but not this time . Once my hair was washed , it was only a few minutes before my hairdresser had me sit in her chair . There was very little conversation between the two of us . The only thing she asked me is if I wanted a part in my hair . I told her yes and because it 's been so long since my hair has been straightened , I told her it didn 't matter what side she put it on . This time she didn 't stop in the middle and go do someone else 's hair . Maybe that 's because I wasn 't having braids done . Anyway , I was out of there in less than three hours , which hasn 't happened in a very long time . The camaraderie that I felt with everyone there at the salon is pretty much gone . I can still joke around with them , which I did , but after being disregarded by them , there 's a part of me that will remain closed off . Basically , I don 't trust them not to screw me again . The issue with me finding someone else to do my hair is that there aren 't many black hairdressers that work with natural hair . Guess I 'll just have to see what happens . As you know , I usually weigh in at Weight Watchers on Thursday , but I had a hair appointment after work . Since the appointment was at 6 : 00 , I would 've normally been able to weigh in and then make it to the salon on time . The one glitch in my plan was the fact that I had to take the braids out of my hair . I started taking them out on Wednesday night after workstudy at the yoga studio . It takes a lot of time and there were many small braids , so I didn 't finish . I figured I could finish in the morning before I left for my 8 : 00am doctor 's appointment . Got up at 6 : 15am yesterday morning to continue with braid removal . Got them all done except maybe 15 , and had to take a shower . Everyone 's water in my apartment building is connected so if I start to take a shower and the guy next door turns on his shower , my hot water turns cold . I did not have time to wait for him to finish his shower so I was like " Screw it . I 'm not taking a shower . " I was basically still clean from the day before and I sit behind a desk all day so I don 't work up a sweat . With that in mind , I work on a couple more of the braids , pack my lunch , get dressed , and head out . When I left the house it was 7 : 45 . It takes at least 20 minutes to get to the subway stop that 's near the doctor 's office and another 10 to walk there . By the time I get there it 's 8 : 20 . I 'm there for a physical and the medical assistant is like " I don 't think she 'll be able to do the full physical , but I 'll take you back anyway . " Now you and I both know that doctors are late all the time . So she takes me in , takes my blood pressure , asks if I have allergies to any medications , and then weighs me . ( On a side note , according to the digital scale she had , I lost weight this week . ) A few minutes later the doctor comes in . When she asks me how I 'm doing , I tell her I 'm fine except for the fact that I was late for my appointment . She looks at me and says " Well the people that work for me are like that ( meaning that she knew they had a problem with me being late ) , but I don 't share those fNormally it wouldn 't be a big deal , but I cancelled plans with a friend that I haven 't seen in years in order to get my hair done . Also , there have been many times when I 've had to wait while she stops in the middle of doing my hair , so that she can do someone else 's . This salon is a small operation , but I also had to wait sometimes at the old place , which was larger . I 've always been really patient because I had no reason to be in a hurry , so to be totally forgotten like that was a bit of a blow . One of my friends recommended that I find someone else to do my hair . Because I wear my hair in natural styles instead of chemically relaxing it , I 'm picky about who I 'll let touch my hair . I 'll have to do some in - depth research . The only good thing that came out of this is that I was able to finish taking the braids out . Today I 'm walking around with a big , puffy head of hair . I texted my hairdresser this morning and let her know that I had to cancel plans for her to do my hair and that I 'll be seeing the person that I cancelled plans with on Monday . I told her that when I see this person I don 't want to look like something out of " The Color Purple " . Supposedly she can do my hair tonight as long as the sink gets fixed ( which it 's supposed to ) . The infamous Maria is supposed to call me to confirm , but it 's almost 2 : 30 and I haven 't heard anything . Stay tuned . This could get ugly . . . Sorry to leave you hanging . Seems like I was in the 11th grade for an eternity , huh ? When I left you I was contemplating college in Chicago . One of the requisite items for my application to DePaul University was an audition tape . There were two or three different types of songs I had to perform and I had to practice those songs after school with my chorus teacher . This is the man who threw the music folder and dented the poster . I was never too terribly fond of him , but my dislike of him grew when I didn 't get into DePaul 's music program . I feel that he didn 't do enough to prep me to sing those songs . He was also working with another student on audition material , someone that I know for a fact that he liked better than me . To say that I was devastated by being rejected for the music program was an understatement . I cried my eyes out . DePaul encouraged me to apply to another program , but I really wanted to be in their music program . I just happened to get something in the mail from Berklee College of Music in Boston the same week I got the rejection letter from DePaul . Berklee didn 't require an audition until after admission , so I decided to go out on a limb and apply there . I didn 't apply to any other colleges . I figured that if I didn 't get in , I 'd regroup and apply to other schools for the spring semester . Well there was no need to regroup because Berklee accepted me . I had never , ever even been to Boston and only knew about it from what I had read in books . I was also a huge New Kids on the Block fan , and they 're from Boston , hahaha ! ! ! There I was , a black girl from the rural South who had only ever left the South to go to the Midwest . I had absolutely no clue what I was getting myself into , but I was lead by my curious nature and my adventurous spirit . Before you start trying to gather bail money , I have to tell you that I 'm not going to kill my lying bastard scale ; although I really should . His metaphorical death will come to pass instead of his physical one . I plan to put him away in the storage area in my apartment and forget about him . His grasp has been much too tight over the past year and I decided to pry his bony , taunting fingers from around my ankle . By doing that , I think I 'll be able to make progress so that 2012 can be my year . My year to reach my weight - loss goal . My year to transition into a career . My year to treat myself better than ever before . When I went to my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday , I found that I had gained . It was no big surprise because I ate a lot of junk and got very little exercise . Yesterday 's meeting dealt with the things in our life that block us from weight - loss success . Someone mentioned the fact that the reading on their scale is always different from the readings at WW . Because a person 's weight can fluctuate throughout the day , WW recommends that members only weigh themselves once a week , preferably on the same day of the week around the same time . That 's so that life becomes less scale - centric , drawing the focus to other things . For the first time since I started the program , I 'm only going to step on the scale once a week , at my WW meeting . Posted by My girl Cathy Keisha gave me the hook - up and tagged me for a blog award . It 's called Liebster and roughly translates to " sweetheart " . CK is a ' hood cat with a heart of gold and I 'm honored that she chose me . You should all drop by and pay her a visit . She 's a laugh - riot and she don 't take no mess from nobody , especially TW aka The Woman . I 'm tasked with passing this distinctive award on to other bloggers , as CK has done with me . Once you 've been tagged , please do the following : Let those bloggers know by leaving a comment on their blog . If you just say " Tag , you 're it ! " I 'll personally have CK send over some of her homies to rough you up . I guarantee you right now , it won 't be pretty ; - ) . Here we are three days into the new year and I 'm sure there are some of you who are still recovering from the revelry of your holiday celebrations . No matter how people all over the world choose to celebrate , there 's a common thread that weaves through them all . That common thread is alcohol . I personally don 't consume alcohol for two very important reasons : the first being that I don 't particularly like the taste , and the second and most important being that there 's a history of alcoholism in my family that has produced devastating results . There 's also a somewhat peripheral reason , which is because the medications I take don 't mix well with alcohol . Sometimes the smell of alcohol makes me sick and I know that goes back to my childhood . My father 's parents were both alcoholics . There are some people , who when they get drunk love everybody . There are others who hate everybody . My paternal grandmother fell into the second category . I 'm not sure if my paternal grandfather was a mean drunk or if my grandmother pushed him until he was mean to her . In a nutshell , he beat her . Not only did he do so with his hands , he also did so with belts , rubber hoses , anything he could get his hands on . This is what my father had to deal with throughout his childhood . His father only ever beat his mother . Never him , his brothers , or his sister . Prior to my parents getting married , my mother had no idea that this type of thing happened in that household , but she found out soon enough . Once she and my father were married , they lived with his parents . The first time she experienced them fighting like cats and dogs , it nearly scared her to death . She came from a household where her father never would 've even considered laying a finger on her mother although my maternal grandmother could be a real pain . After two years of living with them , my parents got their own place . Not too long after that , tragedy struck . My grandmother was on the phone with my aunt ( my dad 's sister ) when my grandfather walked into the bedroom where she was talkingThis all happened before I was born , so I wasn 't aware of it until later on in my life . The one thing I was aware of is that my grandmother was a woman who was constantly giving mixed messages . When she was drunk , she didn 't want us anywhere near her . I remember one Easter when I was around four or five , we had gone to her house for an Easter egg hunt . We weren 't there very long before she started to get angry . Of course she had been drinking and apropos of nothing I suddenly heard her say to my parents " Get those damn kids out of my house ! " That is burned into my memory . No matter what she said or did after that , that day is what colors my memories and perception of her . When she was sober she was always like " Come give me a hug . I love you . " How does a child reconcile an angry drunk with the person that 's hugging them tight and saying " I love you " ? As I got older , I refused to go to her house during holidays because I refused to take the verbal abuse . Now that I 'm an adult I can see that she had a serious problem . Because she never saw it as a problem and therefore wasn 't willing to get help for it , it always cast a dark cloud over her relationships with people . As someone who is clinically depressed , it would be very easy for me to self - medicate with alcohol instead of taking my antidepressant . The family history of alcoholism ( which is also on my mom 's side of the family ) would be the perfect excuse for me to live it up and get drunk every night . That being said , I don 't condemn people that choose to drink ; whether socially or otherwise . One thing I do know is that I would never allow myself to knowingly get involved romantically with someone who has more than a social relationship with alcohol . It would be too painful . Alcohol can destroy relationships in very subtle ways . Today is the first day of 2012 . For anyone who wasn 't satisfied with how 2011 turned out , it 's a chance to wipe the slate clean . For those who like what they did or accomplished in 2011 , it 's a chance to keep the momentum going . No matter how your previous year was , this new one is filled with hope and promise . The possibilities are endless . Embrace this year and make the most of it . Happy New Year , everyone !
Stephanie shot up from her bed with her heart pounding wildly . Her fists clenched the sheets , and she hugged herself to forget what she had seen . Her body trembled with a deep vulnerability that she could not escape . Bloody hands crawled up her body toward her face . Others slithered along her arms and legs , and fingers weaved through her hair , slowly engulfing her . She squeezed her eyes shut to stop the attack on her mind , but her hand wiped the sensation of blood from her skin . It 's just a dream . You 're okay . She used to have nightmares every night , but they had lessened over the years . She thought they were gone , but now they were back and more disturbing than ever . Why ? She sprawled back against the bed , and her dark brown hair swept across her face . She didn 't want to move , but she knew she had to go to work . Lifting herself up , Stephanie succeeded for a moment before her throbbing head and aching muscles caused her to collapse . Twenty - four years old but her bones felt like solid metal , impossible to infuse with life . She heaved herself upright and dragged her feet along the carpet to the bathroom . Opening the medicine cabinet , she reached for the strongest dose available . Her chin lifted , and she swallowed the prescribed medication . She caught sight of the mirror and gave a haggard sigh . Rubbing her neck , she lowered her head to splash cool water on her cheeks , then dabbed her face with a towel . She leaned closer to inspect the dark circles under her eyes . " Here we go again , " she told the mirror . If she had taken the time to look , she would have seen a heaviness in her soul , so deep that no one else could see . She reached for her cosmetic bag . Makeup did wonders . Picking up her comb , she vigorously brushed her hair . She was Stephanie Kenthal . Somehow , she 'd get through this . Things had happened that she couldn 't change . There was nothing else to do , except fight to do the best she could . # The single - story bookstore stood in the shadow of the surrounding buildings . A chill went through Stephanie , and she hesitated outside . She could hardly see inside because the front glass was covered with fliers . They were brightly colored , advertising local events , but she saw nothing bright about going inside . With a deep breath , she pushed open the door . " You 're late , " Julia announced , her lanky arms holding out a stack of books . Her long black braids made her look even younger than normal , and her dark eyes gleamed mischievously . " Not as late as you were yesterday , " Stephanie replied curtly . She knew she was being teased , but she also suspected that , as manager , Julia was gloating at arriving before her employee - for once . Stephanie passed the outstretched arms , knowing Julia wanted her to take the books . She unloaded her backpack and jacket under the counter , and prepared the cash register . " And she never lets me forget it . " Julia dropped the books on the counter . The beginning of a smile formed as her banter faded . Stephanie dragged the books toward her , annoyed but not enough for her coworker to notice . Julia was never a hard worker and seemed perfectly content to let others do her share . The only reason Julia had the job was because her grandfather owned the bookstore . " So how was your morning ? " Julia leaned across the counter , leisurely brushing the end of her braid up and down her face . " Fine . " " That 's what you always say . " " That 's what it was . Aren 't you going to open the store ? " Stephanie hoped Julia would get the hint that they were there to work , but Julia never seemed happy with facts . Sometimes , Stephanie was certain that Julia would rather hear a fascinating story rather than trueStephanie only stopped for a moment . They weren 't the words she was expecting , but she wasn 't affected either . She could have been told that the traffic was bad on the freeway , and she would have reacted the same way . She thought she should feel something , and the more Julia kept looking at her , expecting to see concern , the guiltier she felt . " Are you going ? " " No . " " Why not ? " " Julia , just drop it . " " You know he 's going to want to know why you won 't go . Couldn 't you just talk to him about it and put an end to it ? " " Not about that . " Stephanie didn 't look up . The phone rang , and Stephanie squeezed past Julia to answer . She picked up the phone . " Reaching the Horizon , this is Stephanie speaking . How may I help you ? " Julia picked up the two books Stephanie had left on the floor and began placing them on the shelf . " Calvin . . . " Stephanie said , relaxing at the sound of his voice . Julia 's head snapped toward Stephanie . " Sure ! " Stephanie nodded . " That sounds great . O … okay . See you then . " She hung up and saw Julia 's face had turned white . She would have asked what was wrong , but she already knew . She brushed her hands down her jeans as though removing the soot from Julia 's burning stare . " Breathe , " she reminded Julia . " What did he want ? " Stephanie strode back to the shelf , pulled out each book that Julia had placed , and put them in their proper places . " Don 't start , " Stephanie warned . " Why are you dating him ? I told you . He 's not a good guy ! " " I date who I want to date . I don 't need your approval . Just because , technically , you 're my boss doesn 't give you any right to my private life . " Stephanie headed for the back of the store , but Julia dashed after her with renewed energy . " I 'm talking to you as your friend . We 've worked together for years , and on that friendship , I 'm asking you to trust me . " " You still haven 't said why . " Stephanie spun around . " We keep going over this . Why shouldn 't I date him ? Until you give me a solid CHAPTER TWO " Where are we going ? " Stephanie asked as Calvin led her down the sidewalk toward the nearly deserted beach . " The shops are back there . " They passed a weighed - down truck and two shirtless men , unloading wood for a bonfire . Calvin 's Hawaiian shirt flapped in the breeze , revealing his sturdy chest through his white tank top . " Are you trying to spoil the surprise ? " he asked playfully . " No . . . . " Stephanie looked beyond Calvin to the stretch of ocean , but instead of crossing the sand to the water , they turned to the right , walking along the sidewalk , parallel to the shore . " Just give me one hint ! " " No ! " He laughed . " Not even a little one , so don 't ask again . " " I wasn 't going to . " She pretended that she could care less , but she could tell she wasn 't fooling him . " Okay , maybe I would have . " " I knew it ! " He tickled her . Stephanie laughed and darted a few feet ahead . He reached for her , but she dodged with a triumphant smile . She could never understand how Calvin managed to strip her cares away . Apart from his impressive looks , Stephanie loved the way he made her feel free . Free to say anything , free to have fun , free to laugh , free to be adventurous , and even - heaven forbid , going to the extent of Julia - free to be silly . Most of all , she was free to forget her problems , which was a huge relief compared to her previous relationships . Calvin was everything she wanted . They first met when Stephanie came to his firm on behalf of the bookstore . A customer was " attacked " by a bird outside the store . Holding Reaching the Horizon responsible for damages , she sued the store for allowing wild birds to assault customers . Fortunately , Calvin got the case dismissed because of her long history of fraud and outrageous claims . Remembering the first meeting made Stephanie smile . She was jittery enough about meeting with a lawyer . Then when he walked in and introduced himself , wow , she was a mess . She couldn 't think straight , her words wouldn 't come out , she lost all strengCHAPTER FOUR The icy breeze stung Stephanie 's cheeks as she hurried home through the dark streets from the restaurant . Clutching her coat , she rushed up the steps . Inside , she climbed the four flights of stairs to her floor . It seemed like fifteen flights tonight . Her numb fingers fumbled with the overcrowded key chain . Home sweet home . Unexpectedly , the keys slipped from her fingers and clattered on the floor . She stooped down and retrieved the keys . As she stood , she looked down the hall at the dreaded neighbor 's door and held her breath . A few moments passed , and she released a sigh . Her neighbor seemed to hate any reminder that other people lived in the building and regularly complained about the slightest disturbance . No matter how minor the offense . Stephanie inserted her key , and just as she was about to unlock the door , a gray head popped out of the door down the hall . The dreaded voice crackled , " Keep the noise down ! Do you know how much damage your ruckus does to an old woman ? " Stephanie swallowed the sour taste in her mouth . Before she had turned completely , Mrs . Averad continued , " Of course , you don 't . You don 't care ! I hope people treat you like this when you 're old . " The old woman slammed the door , making more noise than Stephanie had made . She groaned and opened the door . Relief swept over Stephanie as she closed the door and set her keys on the counter . Her coat slipped to the floor , and she headed to the bedroom . What a night ! She thought about her dinner with Calvin . I can 't believe I thought he was going to - of course , it wouldn 't happen . You didn 't have to be so jumpy . Getting a raise was a good thing . He should be proud . Then again , he didn 't have to make it seem like a proposal . She cast herself across the bed as she remembered how the cab blew a tire , and she ended up walking home . But what really bothered her was Calvin 's phone call . Who was it , and why was the call so important ? He had called a taxi to get her home . If she didn 't know better , she would have thought the voice sound # Stephanie could not shake the strange feeling that had dampened her mood all day , even during the game with Calvin . She sat alone on the couch , munching on popcorn and replaying Kevin 's unexpected visit in her head . This is stupid ! Think of something else … of what ? With a grunt , she sprang to her feet to call Holly . She couldn 't spend the weekend alone like this . She needed to do something , be around people , and get away from her thoughts . " Hey Holly , I was wondering what you are doing tomorrow . Hoping we could hang out . . . . Oh , dinner with your parents . Okay well . . . . No , I wouldn 't want to be a bother . . . . But it 's your family . " Stephanie hesitated at the idea of visiting family , but she knew she needed to get away ; so when Holly insisted , she agreed to join her . # Stephanie knocked on the apartment door . Holly 's roommates were gone , and Holly mentioned on the phone that there might be some time before they head to her parent 's for dinner . Stephanie really hoped so . She heard a faint call to come in and opened the door . She stopped . Holly wasn 't in the room , but lying on the floor was a little girl hovering over her coloring book . Her sun - streaked hair parted as she looked up and smiled . " You wanta see my picture ? " she asked , holding up her drawing . A child ? Stephanie 's heart pounded . She expected Holly to be alone , and she didn 't have much experience around children . " Holly - " she called out as she glanced around for help . " I 'll be right there , " she heard from the bathroom . The innocent eyes didn 't move . " It 's nice , " she told the girl without taking a step closer . " She 's a mermaid . " The girl giggled as she enthusiastically went back to coloring . Stephanie timidly closed the door and gnawed her lip as she stood waiting . When Holly finally came out , she offered Stephanie a lemonade . Stephanie accepted , and Holly led the way to the kitchen . " Who 's that ? " Holly reached for the cupboard . " That 's Grace , my little sister . " " I didn 't know you had a sister . CHAPTER FIVE U The seat belt dug into Stephanie 's neck , and she shifted to find a more comfortable position . " Hey , about the other day , running out of the coffee shop . I uh . . . . " She didn 't finish her apology . " Forget it . " Holly checked her rear - view mirror . " I know how frustrating things can get when it feels like your friends are against you . " " Yeah , try the world , " Stephanie snickered under her breath , then said louder , " Calvin got a promotion the other day . " " Good . " Holly nodded as she changed lanes . " You know he 's really amazing . He 's committed and great at his job . He 's always saying how amazing and beautiful I am . He 's so good , I don 't know why people don 't see the man I see . Why is everyone , always , in other people 's business ? " " Everyone and always … strong words , " Holly said . " I don 't think I can speak for everyone , but in this case , maybe the people who don 't know Calvin know you , and what they see does not look good for your future . " " It 's because he 's a lawyer , right ? Why would a lawyer be serious about me ? That 's it , isn 't - " " No , and you know it ! All I was saying was maybe you 're not ready for the right guy . " " But that 's my decision . " " And you 've made it . But the wise seek out wisdom . " Stephanie fiddled with her seat belt as they drove in silence , until she asked hesitantly , " So what 's Cindy 's story ? " Holly breathed deeply . " The short version would be a young girl who made a mistake . She thought she was in love , got pregnant , and was disowned by her wealthy parents because she didn 't take care of the problem . " " Oh . . . " Stephanie glanced out the window . Holly shook her head sadly . " They 'd rather hide her mistake than encourage her to make it right . " " Well , to each his own . " Stephanie shrugged . " What do you mean ? " " I mean I 'm not going to fret about it . They made their choice , and she made hers . " Holly looked puzzled for a minute , then jerked the wheel to the left . " What are you doing ? " Stephanie brCHAPTER SIX Stephanie peered through the cemetery gate from outside . The rain poured down all around her , and she held her umbrella steady . Hi , Mom . She gripped the umbrella handle tightly . Seven years ago today , they laid her mother in the ground . She remembered hearing children playing in the park that day , next to the cemetery . Their joyous sounds didn 't seem right . How could they be so happy , while the ache inside her dug deeper ? I miss you so much . Stephanie slowly turned away as the rain poured down harder . She walked to the curb and looked both ways before crossing . Reaching the other side , a honk sounded down the road . She peered toward the car that had signaled to her . As it pulled up , she didn 't recognize the driver or the person in the front seat . The door opened , and Kevin popped up out of the backseat , dressed in his church clothes . " What are you doing out in the rain ? " he called out . " I should ask you the same question . " He smiled . " Where are you headed ? We could give you a ride . " " No thanks . I 'd rather walk . " From inside the car , his friends protested that they were getting wet , so he stepped out and closed the door . " How long were you out there ? " He walked toward her . " Excuse me ? " She asked with a tilt of her head . " Where 's your umbrella ? " " Don 't have one . " He stopped in front of her . " How long were you standing there ? " " Were you watching me ? " He chuckled . " It 's not every day you see a pretty girl staring into a cemetery . " " You 're getting soaked . " " And you 're avoiding my question . " " I went to visit my mom . " " In the rain ? " She didn 't answer . " Why didn 't you go inside ? " he asked . " Why so curious ? " " I 'm not . " " You sound like you are . " " Well , when someone 's acting curiously , people get curious . " " Then you are curious . " His friends honked the horn , and he gestured for them to go without him . " Who are they ? " she asked as they drove away . His eyes twinkled . " Why so curious ? " She glanced away , but she couCHAPTER SEVEN All the customers were gone , and Stephanie picked up the book to find her place . She could see the whole situation . Della 's long hair was her pride and joy , but she sold her hair to buy a chain for Jim 's pocket - watch for a Christmas present . It was his grandfather 's watch , and Jim 's most prized possession . The chain would be perfect . She couldn 't wait to see his reaction when he saw his gift ! Jim stood dumbfounded , looking at his wife 's short hair . She tried to explain that she had to get him a present for Christmas , but all he could say was , " You 've cut your hair ? " " I 'm sorry . " He pulled out a package from his overcoat and threw it on the table to explain his reaction . Eagerly , she opened her gift and squealed with delight when she found the hair combs she had drooled over for months , never thinking she would own them . They were expensive combs , and as newlyweds , they didn 't have money to spare . She hugged them to her bosom . " My hair grows so fast Jim ! " Beaming , she held out the chain for his grandfather 's watch . " Isn 't it dandy , Jim ? I hunted all over town to find it . You 'll have to look at the time a hundred times a day now . Give me your watch . I want to see how it looks on it . " Jim toppled down onto the couch and put his hands behind his head . " Dell , " he said , " let 's put our Christmas presents away and keep ' em a while . They 're too nice to use just at present . I sold the watch to get the money to buy your combs . And now suppose you put the chops on . " Stephanie slowly closed the book and thought about The Gift of the Magi . How appropriate that Christmas was almost here . She had an idea . # Her anxious knuckles rapped on Calvin 's door . Stephanie took a deep breath . She couldn 't wait to see the look on Calvin 's face when he opened his gift . Last night , he had invited her to stay the night with him and have an early Christmas morning together , but she declined , saying she had something special she wanted to bring with her . She could see the disappointment on his face . If she wasn 't careful , she would have no more excuses of why she wouldn 't spend the night . Calvin opened the door , and he dangled a piece of mistletoe over his head . She laughed and went to him , giving him a long kiss . " Good morning , " she said . He inhaled as though breathing her in and kissed her again as he lifted her off the ground with one arm . He gave the door a shove and shuffled inside . " Merry Christmas , " he said , setting her down . " You act like you haven 't seen me in forever . " She snuggled against his chest , enjoying the smell of his cologne . He smiled . " Breakfast is ready . Have you eaten ? " He headed for the kitchen . She slipped off her jacket . " It smells good . You really went all out . " She noticed the Christmas decorations on the tree , and two stockings hanging over the fireplace . " Only the best for my girl . " He scooped the omelet onto a plate , and together , they sat down to eat . When they finished , a sparkle shone in her eye . " Are you ready for your gift ? " she asked . " Ready . " He pushed away from the table . She jumped up and fished a package out of her jacket pocket . She motioned for him to sit on the couch , and he did . " This is something I hope you 'll like . It 's something that 's very special to me . " She sat down , facing him . " Calvin , I 've been through a lot in my life , and when I met you , I was so done with … " The lump rose in her throat , and she tried to gulp it down . He put his finger to her lips . " You 've been hurt . So I waiCHAPTER EIGHT Nine o ' clock and late ! Stephanie rushed through the streets toward the bookstore . What was wrong with her ? How could she be late again ? Breathing heavily , Stephanie pushed through the doors and braced herself for more gloating about her tardiness . To her surprise , Stephanie found Julia too busy to notice . Full of giggles , Julia gazed up at Kevin , who freely talked with her seemingly unaware of the adoring eyes staring back at him . But Stephanie saw , and she didn 't like what she saw . Kevin turned at the sound of the bell . " Hey , I tried calling you , but you didn 't pick up . " He came towards her . " I don 't want to talk about it , Kevin . " Stephanie walked around the counter and bent down to stuff her bag in the cupboard . Julia retreated to the back room . " Okay … but it sounded like you really needed help . " " I don 't . " She stood and turned on the cash register . " Munchkin , I don 't think Calvin 's - " " What ? " Stephanie whirled around to face him . " You don 't think he 's what ? " " I don 't think he 's what you really want . " She shook her head in amazement . " You think you have all the answers , don 't you ? If only I 'd listen to you , you could fix all my problems . Well , guess what Kevin ? Sometimes people don 't want to be fixed . " " I 'm not trying to fix you . " " Yes , you are ! You feel sorry for me , and you want to help . " " I do want to help . If there is something wrong , why not let someone help make it better ? " " I don 't want you to fix me ! Sometimes , it 's nice to believe that there 's not something wrong . It lets you hope and believe that someday someone will find you good enough . " " But - " " Go away , Kevin . Just go away . " He nodded . " I will , but I want you to know I want good things for you . I hope someday , you 'll believe me . " After he left , Stephanie slowly lifted her sleeve . She looked at the cuts on her arm and quickly covered them again before anyone could see . # Later that afternoon , a sharp ring from the bell , announced another arrival , Stephanie slammed the receiver down harder than she intended . She glanced around to make sure Julia wasn 't around . Calvin hadn 't answered her calls for months . She knew he wanted her to come to him , but she also knew what would happen if she did . She had been careful all this time , what would happen if she broke her plan now ? Would he turn out the same as her other boyfriends ? Would he abandon her ? Would he find her not worth it ? Last night , her nightmares woke her again , and she had more cuts on her arms . She wore a long - sleeve shirt to work today , but at least things were back to normal between her and Kevin . He had apologized for communicating that he wanted to fix her , and she often found herself calling him when Calvin didn 't pick up . They 'd go for lunch , talk , or visit Sam . Stephanie moved over as Julia joined her behind the counter . Julia crouched down to retrieve her purse and rifle through the contents . The bell dinged , and two customers walked inside . Stephanie watched as the young man strutted alongside the girl he obviously liked . But his pants hung so low that his boxers could no longer be called underwear . The young woman headed straight for the bookshelf , perusing the titles as he chatted aloud with his chest puffed out . " This is going to kill me , " she interrupted with a groan , running her finger down her list . " I hate literature classes . Will you help me find these books ? " She handed him a list . " Some good books . " He nodded his approval as he swaggered toward the shelf to look . " I didn 't know you read books . " " Yup , my favorite 's Pride . . . and Persuasion . " " That 's Pride and Prejudice . " " No , it ain 't . " He pointed to her list of books . " I ain 't the one who called Moby a Hick . " " No , Moby Dick . " " That guy . . . " he gestured as though impressed , " is eunuch . You want to know what 's eunuch about that guy ? " he asked , thrilled to have her full attention . " His Great Exploration . " He laughed . " That was a good story , how the kid couldn 't get the girl becaus * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A few weeks passed , and every time Stephanie called Calvin , he was busy with work . He had never been so busy before . What if her friends were right ? What if he didn 't care ? What if she had dreamed and hoped he would , but he never really did ? What if all he wanted was to " make love " and now that she had given in , she was useless ? Again . Stephanie tried calling Holly and then Kevin . Neither answered their phone . There was one more person she could try . Stephanie hurried into the kitchen and found a glass measuring cup . Opening the door , she went down the hall and almost knocked . . . when doubt flickered . No . She was doing this ! Knock - knock , she held her breath . No answer . So much the better , she started to leave . The door creaked open , and a pair of eyes glared at the intruder like a watchdog . Mrs . Averad softened , but only slightly , when she recognized the disturber of her solitude . " What do you want ? " " I 'm out of sugar . " Stephanie pathetically held up the glass cup . The old woman 's eyes scanned Stephanie from top to bottom . She nodded as though her visitor passed the security check , and she receded into her apartment , leaving the door open . She didn 't say a word as an invitation to follow , but Stephanie guessed the open door was a hint . Timidly , she followed and closed the door behind her . Mrs . Averad passed her kitchen and hobbled into the living room . With a grueling effort , she lowered herself into her recliner . " So what do you want ? " Stephanie started to explain again about the sugar , but the old woman said , " You didn 't come to borrow sugar , so out with it ! " " I didn 't want to be alone . " Stephanie shrugged . The old woman snickered . " You 'll get used to it . " Stephanie sat for a moment . " I 'm not sure I want to get used to it , " she said quietly . " Then go make things right with him . " " Calvin 's not answering . " " I 'm not taking about your lawyer boyfriend . He 's not the one who makes your eyes spark when you talk about him . " " Kevin ? " SCHAPTER TEN Calvin swayed slightly as he came down the hallway . He grinned as he replayed the night in his mind . His escorts knew how to get a man excited , and he would pay to spend more evenings in their company , especially now . He knew things were over between him and Stephanie , but they had a good run . It was time to move on and see what would come next , although he dreaded and prepared himself for the inevitable explosion . She would cry , or yell at him , try to make him feel small and dirty , but he was ready . No matter how hard she tried , she wouldn 't make him feel guilty . A man had his needs . He unlocked the door and tripped as he came into the dark room . With a curse , he reached for the light switch and stopped . Staring at the lit candles set out on the table , he drew near . The finest dishes decorated the table , and he picked up the bottle of champagne . Soft music played , and he turned around to see who was there . Stephanie emerged , dressed in a shimmering , ruby - red gown and holding a lit candle . " Welcome home . " She smiled and set the light on the table . He swallowed in surprise . The dress accentuated her figure beautifully . Taking the bottle from his hand , she set it on the table . " Dinner 's all ready . It 's your favorite , " she said in a smooth tone , making him slowly melt like the dripping candle . " Juicy prime rib for you , and stuffed chicken with a special mushroom sauce for me . " She drew near and slipped off his jacket . He sat down with her and waited for the inevitable mood shift . With a soft smile , she began to eat . He looked down at his food and wondered if poison had a distinct odor and taste , or if he would die clueless . He cut a small piece to nibble , still watching her closely . They ate in silence as the music played . He tried to act normal . Maybe he was wrong , and she hadn 't seen him . But she had to have seen . He was right there ! Besides , he knew better . The claws would come out eventually . He needed to be alert when they did . Before they had finished eating , Stephanie stood and took hold oCHAPTER ELEVENKevin was on his way as soon as Holly told him what happened . Get in , get out . That 's what he needed to do before he lost all self - control . He knocked , fairly certain he had the right address . When Calvin opened the door , he looked startled to see his visitor . " What do you want ? " he asked . " Where is it ? " " Where 's what ? " Kevin pushed past him . " Don 't make this more difficult than it needs to be . Where 's the medal ? " Calvin gave a satisfied nod . " I see . Her knight in shining armor has finally come to do battle . " Kevin grabbed his shirt and jerked him . " Where is it ? " " Ooh , kind of rough for a Jesus man , don 't you think ? " Calvin 's mocking grin caused Kevin to shove him against the wall . " You never saw Him in the temple ! " He threw him to the ground . " Now get it , and don 't make me ask again ! " Calvin scooted back as he glared up at the man watching him . His jaw clenched , and Calvin slowly got to his feet . Holding himself proudly , he strolled around the couch and reached down to pick up something from the end table . He looked at the metal in his hand . " This is what you 've wanted from the beginning , isn 't it ? Doesn 't it just kill you , she gave it to me instead of you ? " " Hand it over . " " You think you can demand it ? You come here , hoping to win her heart because you forced me to give you this ? She 'll see right through it . " " It 's not mine to keep , any more than it 's yours to have . " " How noble . Do you even know where she is ? " When Kevin didn 't answer , Calvin gave a devilish smile , savoring that he knew something Kevin didn 't . Calvin came toward him . " Women are tricky , aren 't they ? The minute you care is the minute you lose them . " He dangled the medal in the air , and Kevin snatched it from him . Kevin charged for the door , but Calvin called out behind him . " If you 're so desperate to save her , you can find her at the abortion clinic . " Kevin stopped abruptly and a rewarding smile came to Calvin 's face . " Welcome to heIt 's dark , and I can 't see anything . All I feel is something warm in front , below , all around me . It feels safe . I wonder what it 'll be like outside . Won 't that be exciting ? I 'll stretch my limbs and breathe the fresh air , run around the yard , laughing with other kids . Will the neighbors like me ? Maybe we 'll play Cowboys and Indians and have a sleepover . Sometimes I can almost feel the thrill of jumping on a trampoline or playing in the sand on the beach . Then there 's being with them , getting tossed into the air by him or caressed by her ? I 'll walk to school every day , and they 'll talk about how big I 'm getting . Before you know it , I 'll meet someone , and Mom will cry on our special day . We 'll buy a house and a car . I 'm going to be a court judge or a musician , a reporter , a doctor - I don 't know . The possibilities are endless ! But my life will be great no matter what I do . What 's that ? I think it 's her voice , but who is she talking to ? What won 't hurt , and what 's a blastocyst ? Why does he want to get rid of it ? Wait , Me ! I 'm just a lump of cells ? Wait - no , no , no this can 't be happening , I 'm more than what you see . Whatever you call me , it doesn 't change who I am . Stop it ! Don 't listen to him . I have a future ! I know it doesn 't look like I 'll be able to run and play , but my legs will develop , my arms too . My head may not look like what you 're expecting , but give me time . I 'll be able to think , observe , and learn . You call me a lump of cells , and therefore , I am not human ? But sir , leave me alone , and with time , I 'll look , think , feel , and move just like you ! Mom , I know you 're scared . I am too , but give me a chance . Maybe our lives won 't be perfect . I 'll have difficult days , and I 'll make you cry . But we 'll make sugar cookies together at Christmas and hang lights on our tree . I know you feel like you 're out of options . You feel deserted , unwanted , alone , and scared . I understand ; I feel the same way . You may think you can 't provide a decent lifThe echo of travel reverberated through the airport as Stephanie and Holly walked toward the security line . " Thanks for everything . " Stephanie stopped with her ticket in hand . " You 're welcome . " Holly gave her a hug . " Give grandma and grandpa my love . " " I will . " Holly paused before asking , " Why don 't you at least call him when you get there ? " Stephanie shook her head . " I don 't know what I 'd say . " " Tell him what you 're doing and where you are . " " I can 't . If he asks , you can tell him , but I need to do this . " Holly gently touched Stephanie 's arm . " You never know , Calvin may have loved you . " " Or he needed to win . Either way , it wasn 't enough . " Stephanie grabbed her bag and got in line for the security check . Holly called out to her . " Kevin doesn 't deserve this ! " Stephanie looked back with pain in her eyes . " Neither did I . " She continued alone through security . After boarding the plane and finding her seat , she closed her eyes and slept through the flight . * * * * * * * * * * No one was around . Dalton walked toward the old , cream - colored house , casually but alertly . Avoiding the streetlight overhead , he leaned against the car as though waiting for his ride . He promised Angie he 'd call if anything looked suspicious . She knew he used to work with an overseas rescue organization for girls in prostitution , but she worried about him . " Psst . . . " someone signaled in the dark . He glanced behind him and saw an old woman against her fence . She beckoned to him . With a quick look around him , he came near . " You waitin ' for the girls ? " She motioned toward the house across the street . " Should I be ? " " You ain 't a customer , is you ? " She peered at him closely . " Most johns go in there . Figured you might be having second thoughts . " " No , I was hoping to see … a friend of mine . " " She the new girl ? " He stopped from saying no . " Uh yeah … the new girl , have you seen her ? " " Not since they brought her in late last night . Didn 't count on anybody being up . I wouldn 't a been , ' cept I got the runs . Saw ' em bring her in from my bathroom window . Might be too late , she prob ' ly gone now . Some stay . Some they take other places . " " Where would they take her ? " The old woman shrugged . " Wherever they need her . " " Did she look like this ? " He pulled out the picture of the runaway girl . She squinted at the photo . " I don 't know . Pretty much saw the back ' a her anyhow . " " Did you call for help ? " The old woman looked at him as if he was crazy . " You don 't live around here . " " No , not in this neighborhood . Is it a gang that scares you ? " " Hon ' y , go home while you still can . Tha 's all I 'm saying . " She threw her hands up in the air and retreated into her house . Dalton pulled out his cell phone and called Angie . He gave her the address and told her what he knew . As he drew near the house , a sound like someone crying came from behind the fence . " I 'll call you back . " He hung up the phone , and slowly crept to the peeling white fence . CHAPTER THIRTEEN Stephanie was up earlier than usual as she strolled along the fence next to the feed shed . Three of the younger alpacas trotted to where she stood . They took turns lowering their necks and sniffing her fingers through the fence , but the sudden movement of her hand startled them , and they scampered away . She smiled when curiosity drew the fawn - colored alpaca back . Stephanie crouched down . The animal 's dark eyes stared at her and the upper lip parted to reveal its upper palate , which had no teeth . The only row of teeth was on the bottom . Through the fence , the alpaca brushed her face . " Hey girl . " Stephanie laughed when the animal blew puffs of air against her cheek . She returned the greeting by blowing a soft stream of air back . " Her name 's Buttercup . " She jumped up and spun around . " Didn 't mean to scare you , " Troy said as he joined her alongside the fence . Buttercup had retreated to the group that stood watching Troy and Stephanie . " Buttercup ? " Stephanie leaned forward against the fence . " Grandma insisted . It 's her favorite flower . Do you want to go in ? " Stephanie shrugged . " Why not . " Troy lifted the metal latch and swung the gate open . They stepped inside and several alpacas approached . Buttercup was the first . " She 's certainly curious . " Stephanie reached out to pet her , but the alpaca jerked its head away . " They 're a little head shy . Try petting her at the base of the neck . " Stephanie tried , but Buttercup darted away again . " You 're too fast . " Troy crouched down to the same level as the animals . " You have to be patient and let them come to you . Alpacas can be skittish . " " It 's smart - " Stephanie squatted down next to him , " to be cautious . " She slowly held out her hand , and Buttercup timidly returned . Some of Buttercup 's friends trailed behind her . " Sometimes . " Troy gently sunk his hand into an animal 's plush , white fleece . " This is Snowflake . " " Buttercup and Snowflake ? " Stephanie gave him a peculiar look . " Hey , I didn 't pick the namLike a child , Stephanie trailed after Gus as he worked . " So why do you have llamas , not just alpacas ? " " Llamas are guard animals . " Unlatching the gate , he went in and held it open . Stephanie followed and he closed it behind her . " Between them and the dogs , they keep the alpacas safe from predators . Alpacas are the business , raised for their fiber . Once a year , we shear them like you do sheep . " He continued along the fence . " How do you tell the difference ? They look the same to me . " " Llamas are larger and have coarser fleece . See this one here . " He pointed to the animal closest to them . " She 's a llama . She 's larger than the others and her back doesn 't curve down toward her neck as much as alpacas do . " Reaching down for the water bucket , he dumped out the dirty water and immediately the automatic device began to refill with fresh water . She watched the llama as the animal sniffed the stream of dirty water . " Why do you say alpacas are nicer than llamas ? " Gus stood and shook the water from his hand . The llama 's ears laid back against her head . Without any warning , the llama spit in Gus ' face . He spun away with a disgusted cough . " That 's why ! " Stephanie burst out laughing as the llama strutted away . He tried to wipe the green gunk from his cheek . " I 've gotten in the way when alpacas spit at each other , but they 've never purposely done that to me . Uh … I 'm gonna wash up . " Gus staggered away in search of a water hose . Left alone , Stephanie caught sight of Bella and walked over to her pen . " Hey , girl . " She clicked her tongue . " You want some grain ? " Lifting the lid to the steel can , she got a handful of grain and closed the container . " Here you go . " She held out her hand . " It 's good . I promise . " Bella refused to come . But Stephanie didn 't give up . Over the months , she came in Bella 's pen every morning offering grain , and every morning Bella kept her distance . Someday … someday , she would break through . Meanwhile , a blur of new activities filled heCHAPTER FIFTEEN She was the perfect target . Eleven years old , thick brown hair , and trusting hazel eyes . A beautiful girl who didn 't know she was beautiful . Little Stephanie sat by herself on the swing as the other children played in the distance . That 's what she was … distant . Her eyes were hungry to join the others . She wanted to be included , to be in the midst of them , but she didn 't think they would want her . But he saw her . He could see the weight of worthlessness that hung about her like a heavy blanket - thick and scratchy with the appearance of comfort . She stopped watching and attempted to swing . If she couldn 't have what she wanted , she was going to force herself to have fun regardless . She pumped her little legs and strained to get enough momentum . She wanted to soar , to lift her spirit , and to fill her heart with something other than the empty ache that refused to leave . She didn 't get very high , but she kept trying . He had to admire her for that . So many others didn 't even try . They just watched , wishing someone would invite them . Wishing someone would come along , see them , and want them to join . He was that one . He knew what their heart longed for , and he knew he could convince them that they were wanted . For a brief moment , all their wishes would come true . He would lure them into thinking that he had something special to offer them , and before they realized the truth , they were trapped . But she was special . He knew that from the start . He could see strength in her spirit that kept her trying - kept her fighting - despite the lonely heart that weighed her down . She was no ordinary girl , even if she saw herself as less than ordinary . What he saw made him want her all the more . He had plenty of girls working for him , but he wanted this one , if not for the business , then for himself . She would be his prize that he 'd only share for top dollar . He 'd been watching for several months now . He knew what grade she was in ; he knew where she lived . He knew who her father was and what he did for a living . He learned what he CHAPTER SIXTEEN Stephanie was up before everyone . She had done the research she needed , so with directions and keys in her hand , she slipped out of the house and headed for the truck . She opened the truck door . " You 're up kind of early , aren 't you ? " With a jump , she looked back at Troy leaning on his shovel handle . " I have an errand . I 'll be back . " She started to climb inside . " Before dawn ? So they won 't know you 're gone , or so they can 't stop you ? " She glared at him . " What 's your problem ? I can leave if I need to . " " That depends on the errand . " " It 's my business . " " It 's my truck . " " That 's ridiculous ! " She climbed inside and inserted the key . But before she could start the engine , Troy had jumped in the passenger 's seat . " What are you doing ? " She eyed him suspiciously . " What 's going on ? " " Nothing . " He gave her warning look as though he knew she was lying . " It 's personal . Okay ? " " Stephanie , they told me . Grandma and grandpa thought I should know in case you decided to do something like this . " " This is none of your business . Get out ! " He didn 't move . " I said , get out ! " Stephanie thrust open the door and bolted out in a rage . Troy scrambled out as she rounded the front of the vehicle . She flew at him , pushing him repeatedly . " How dare you ! You can 't keep me here . This is my decision , my life ! " Troy backed up , putting his hands up as a shield . " Hold it . Wait , wait ! " She gave him one last shove , knocking him to the ground . " It 's my body ! Not yours , mine ! " Troy jumped to his feet as she headed back to the driver 's side . He rounded the bed of the truck and arrived first . Bracing himself against the door , he firmly grabbed her shoulders to calm her down . " Stephanie , stop ! Listen to me ! I know . You 're right . It is your body , but there 's another body in you , a completely separate person , who is relying on you for life . Your dad screwed up , but don 't punish your child - or you 'll be exactly like him ! " His words punched her inCHAPTER SEVENTEEN Grandma Helen held out the cordless phone to Stephanie . " It 's Holly . " Stephanie eagerly took the phone and disappeared down the stairs to her room . " Hi Holly ! No more phone tag . . . I know it 's good to hear from you too . I 'm doing fine . . . I like it . Your grandparents are great . How are you ? " She stopped in the middle of the room . " Really ? You met someone ? " Stephanie made her way to the bed and lowered herself down . " How did you meet him ? " She listened as Holly explained that she met the guy at Kevin 's surprise birthday party . They talked the entire night , and at the end of the night , he asked her out . Holly told him that she chose not to date , but if he would like to get to know her better , he could come to a Sunday afternoon barbeque at her parents ' house . Stephanie could hear the excitement in Holly 's voice as she shared how she and her parents really liked this man . But Stephanie 's heart sank lower . Not Holly - did she have to bear losing Holly too ? As she listened , she could imagine how Holly must be glowing . " What 's his name ? David . A good name . . . so he 's a friend of Kevin ? How is he ? " " No , uh . . . I meant how 's Kevin doing ? " Stephanie nodded gravely . " I wouldn 't know what to write . Video chat ? I didn 't think about that . . . " Stephanie listened . Grabbing a paper and pen , she wrote down the username Holly recited . " Maybe I 'll try to chat if I see him online . . . . What ? " She waited as Holly repeated what she said . Stephanie snickered . " Julia 's really after him , huh ? Well , Kevin 's smarter than that . I don 't think it 'll work . " She hesitated before asking , " Have you seen Calvin ? " She gave a disgusted look . " I 'm sure he 's enjoying their company . What 's that ? Oh , I don 't think he 'd ever admit to feeling bitter . That 's why he needs the escorts to make him feel better , so he doesn 't have to see it . " " Me ? I 'm . . . doing the best I can . I got to go , but I 'll talk to you later , okay ? Okay , bye . " Stephanie sat on her bed without moving , slowly slipping CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Stephanie clenched the hand of the person beside her . Her muscles crunched , and her lips puckered as she blew out a steady stream of air . Sweat framed her face . Grandma Helen watched the monitor , coaching her through the contractions . The doctor had given her corticosteroids when they arrived to delay the delivery for as long as possible , but that was nearly forty - three hours ago . " The baby 's coming . " Grandma Helen gripped Stephanie 's hand in excitement . " I 'll go get the doctor , " the nurse announced . She returned with the doctor , and he checked Stephanie 's progress . She squeezed her eyes shut as she released another long breath . The intensity of the contractions had increased and the duration overlapped . She wasn 't sure when one contraction ended and the other began . " We can 't delay any longer . Stephanie , I 'm going to coach you through this , okay . Just relax and do what I say . Okay , now gently push . That 's good . Keep breathing . Now push hard . Hard , hard . Good , breathe . Let 's go again . " Stephanie tried to keep her mind on two things , pushing when the doctor said and breathing . Grandma Helen squeezed her hand to remind her that she was there , but Stephanie focused all her energy on controlling the pain . She panted as one contraction rose sharply . " You 're doing great . Keep breathing it out . I see a little head coming . " As soon as the baby 's head emerged and rotated face - up , the doctor checked to make sure the umbilical cord wasn 't wrapped around the baby 's neck and then began cleaning out the baby 's airway . He encouraged Stephanie to push again and the rest of the body appeared . Stephanie gave the final push , and the doctor smiled . " It 's a boy . " He placed clamps on the umbilical cord and snipped the cord . Laying the baby on his mother 's chest , he put his hand on Stephanie 's shoulder . " He 's beautiful . " The doctor briefly spoke to the nurse before leaving . Stephanie knew she only had a few moments before the nurse would put the baby in the incubator until he was more deCHAPTER NINETEEN Her eyelids bobbed open and shut as her surroundings hazily came back . " Here she comes , " the nurse smiled . " Honey , are you alright ? " Grandma Helen 's voice sounded distressed , meanwhile Grandpa Earl leaned over the hospital bed to examine her . " I … I 'm not sure . " She blinked to focus her eyes . " That 's natural . " The nurse touched Stephanie 's arm . " Don 't exert yourself . Relax . I 'll be back to check on you in a little while . " Grandpa Earl followed her out , asking her when they could take her home . Grandma Helen stroked Stephanie 's hand . " You gave us quite a scare . " Stephanie glanced around the room . " Where 's Troy ? " " He 's outside . Can I get you anything ? Do you need water ? " " That 'd be nice . " Grandma Helen hurried out of the room , leaving Stephanie alone . She looked up at the ceiling as the full weight of what she had done dawned on her . She thought about the emotional fog she had been in last night , and suddenly , Bella flashed in her mind . What if she had succeeded in killing herself , and there was a God who had purchased her from the abuse of sin ? She would be facing Him right now . Memories of how she spent every morning waiting for Bella to let her get close flooded her mind . She had wanted to win Bella 's trust and see her heal . She had wanted to be good to her . What if He was waiting for the same thing ? What would she have said to Him ? What defense could she possibly have given ? The reality of what she could have been facing right now shook her . Grandma Helen came back in . " Here you are . " She helped Stephanie sip the cool liquid . Over the next hour , people from the hospital questioned Stephanie to determine if she could go home . When they found her mind to be sound , they released her into the elderly couples ' care , and they wheeled Stephanie through the hospital doors to the waiting vehicles . Gus sat anxiously waiting in Troy 's truck , and Troy stood outside , holding Matthew . He charged up to Stephanie . " How could you do this ? " " Troy ! " Grandma Helen sCHAPTER TWENTY Troy emerged from the barn and headed to where Stephanie waited . " Gus said Matthew 's in the house , " he told her . They both looked to the house and noticed the lights shining through the kitchen window . " Do you think they 're waiting for us ? " Stephanie asked . " Probably . " Troy 's jawline flexed . " Come on . " He took her hand . Together , they slipped inside and found Grandpa Earl sitting on the bar stool while Grandma Helen cleaned the kitchen . " Where have you been ? " Grandpa Earl folded his arms across his chest . Troy closed the door behind them . " We took a walk down to the creek . " " Gus said Matthew 's here . " Stephanie headed out of the room to find him . " He 's in bed . Stephanie , if you don 't mind , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd stay . " Grandpa Earl glanced at his wife . " We need to talk to both of you . " Stephanie quietly took a seat . Troy crossed his arms and leaned against the wall . " What is it ? " " We don 't like what 's going on between you two . Running away all the time , not telling us where you are going , and going off alone where no one can find you . " " Grandpa , " Troy tried to explain , " it 's not like that . " " I don 't like it . " Troy 's chest swelled . " Well , maybe I make my own decisions ! " He snapped harsher than he intended , and both his grandparents looked shocked . Stephanie shrunk as though she wished she could disappear . Grandma Helen lowered the dried plate in her hand to the counter . " That was very disrespectful . " " It 's true though , " Troy muttered loud enough for them to hear . Grandpa Earl spoke firmly . " The point , young man , is truth can be spoken in love and respect . Instead your tone hurt your grandma . What 's gotten into you ? " Troy didn 't answer . " If you feel that we 've wronged you , " Grandpa Earl continued , " we need to know what we 've done . " " Forget it ! It 's not important . " Grandpa Earl 's hawk - like eyes narrowed as though weighing whether his grandson was telling him the truth or not . Stephanie took the moment to CHAPTER TWENTY - ONE Troy lifted Stephanie 's bag into the bed of the truck . The early morning air nipped at his nose , and the ground crunched beneath his feet as he walked on thin patches of ice . Stephanie crept toward the truck , and they both slid inside . Troy winced as he started the engine . Flipping on the low lights , he spun the wheel and slithered down the road . The couple relaxed as the ranch disappeared in the rear - view mirror . They would be back before anyone was up , but they would be married . " I love you . " Stephanie slid into the middle seat . " I love you too . " His arm stole around her waist . As they cruised along the country road , the conversation turned to grandma and grandpa . " I don 't understand why they 're against us getting married , " Stephanie told him . Troy watched the road . " Maybe they think they 're doing what 's best . " " How can keeping us from getting married be in our best interest ? We 're not doing anything immoral , and we love each other . " " They have their concerns , but what they don 't understand is that we 're willing to work things out . That 's the point . " Stephanie rubbed his hand , which rested around her waist . " I don 't think their concerns are justified . If they really loved us , they 'd let us get married because that 's what we want . I think they 're scared of losing you . If you get married , they won 't have any more control in your life . You have to admit , they 've had a lot of say in your life . You don 't live the way you want to . You always have to consult them about everything . " " I don 't think they are controlling . " " Troy , you live your life telling them what you 're up to , where you 're going , decisions coming up - everything ! They involve themselves in every aspect of your life . I think they 're scared you 're moving on to live your own life . " " I already live my own life . " Troy pulled his arm from around her , placing it on the wheel as he turned a corner . " Troy - please . " " Stephanie , I live in their house . I work for them . They are my employers andCHAPTER TWENTY - TWO The metal hanger scraped along the rod as Stephanie slid another dress to the side . " Maybe I should just wear what the other bridesmaids are wearing , " she said with a sigh . " I 'm not finding anything . " Further down the aisle , Holly held up a dark - blue strapless gown . " This color 's perfect . " " Mommy . . . " Matthew tugged Stephanie 's hand . " Mommy , this one . " " Hold on , Matthew . Yeah , but it 's not very flattering . " She continued sorting through the dresses . " How are the rest of the plans coming ? Did you find a photographer yet ? " " You know , I did . I asked Kevin if he 'd take the pictures . " Holly searched a new section , but she watched her friend 's reaction . " He did our engagement pictures , and he did a great job . " Stephanie pretended not to notice . " That 's nice of him . I didn 't know he did photography . Did his fiancé get him into that ? " The peculiar look on Holly 's face told her that he hadn 't proposed yet . " I meant his girlfriend . " " She was a photographer . . . so that 's probably how he learned . " Stephanie paused as she scrutinized another gown . " This one 's cute . . . not my size . " " Mommy . " " What sweetie ? Mommy 's listening . " Stephanie continued searching as he tugged on her again . Holly came to stand beside her . " You haven 't heard , have you ? " " Mommy . . . " Matthew pulled on her pants , and she put her hand on his back without looking at him . " Heard what ? " " He 's not in a relationship . They broke up . " " What happened ? " " I don 't know . " Holly shrugged and turned back to the dresses . " Maybe we should check another store . " Stephanie wanted to ask more , but Matthew gave the hardest pull his little muscles could muster , bending her towards him . " Ow ! Matthew , what - " she started to say , but his little hands clamped on either side of her head . " Mommy , listen with your whole face ! " His earnest eyes displayed the seriousness of the matter , and she melted in an instant . " Okay , show me . What is it ? " He took her hand and pulled her down anothCHAPTER TWENTY - THREE The paramedics carried Dalton in the stretcher across the yard to the waiting ambulance . " Wait ! " someone called out . The missing girl they had found locked in the closet came running toward the man who had set her free . " Thank you . " She kissed his cheek . Warmth filled his eyes as he gazed up at her . " My pleasure . " He smiled weakly . " Now forgive from your heart , or you 'll stay locked up , " he gently touched her head , " in here . " His breathing grew heavy . " Would you get Sergeant Conner ? I need to … . " When he saw Conner 's concerned face looking down at him , he gasped . " I want Angie to have the boy serve at the center . Teach him … share with him … truth . " " We 'll do this later , " Conner told him . " I want to talk to the boy . " " We have to get you help . " Dalton shook his head . " Now . " Conner left with a frustrated sigh and Dalton faintly closed his eyes , then looked up at the sky . His lips moved but not a sound came from them . " He 's here , Mr . Dalton , " Conner said . Dalton turned to the boy and gestured for him to come close . Marcus crept closer , his hands still cuffed behind him . Dalton whispered something , and Marcus leaned down to hear him . " This was my choice , " Dalton whispered . He closed his eyes as though he had no more strength left , and the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance . The sirens blared as they drove off , and Sergeant Conner came to stand beside Marcus . " I don 't understand , " Marcus murmured . " Why didn 't he take the shot ? " Sergeant Conner took a deep breath . " You know , I 've never believed in a good God , but if there is one , " he looked in the direction of the ambulance , " he must have known Him . " * * * * * * * * * * After leaving the bookstore , Stephanie took a walk to the park . She sat down on the bench and watched the children play . A little girl slid down the curving slide , and she called up to her brother to come down . Before he could , an older boy shoved past the brother . " Hey ! " the brother protested , but the older boy had already gone CHAPTER TWENTY - FOUR Stephanie kissed Matthew goodnight and silently closed the door to his room . As she headed toward the couch to relax , she tripped over something on the floor . With a grunt , she looked down and saw the box Julia had given her . She picked up the package and plopped down on the couch . Using her fingernail , she sliced through the tape and lifted the folded edges . Styrofoam filled the inside and a letter lay across the top . Opening the letter , she scanned the contents . Her face froze as the paper fluttered to the floor . Was this what Jerry wanted to share with me ? Slowly , her hand sank into the box , searching for an object . She pulled out a brown leather book and held it up like an ice sculpture . This was her father 's journal ! Her emotions re - surged as she tried to regain her ability to think . Growing up , he wrote in these pages every night . The isolated feeling she used to get when he paid more attention to his dumb books than to his own child revisited her . " Why ? " Stephanie cried out . " I left him behind today . God , why are you doing this to me ? Haven 't I been through enough ? " She couldn 't stifle the returning sensation of abandonment as the memory came back like an old wound ripped open that had never fully healed . A memory that she had ignored and buried as an unsafe place to visit . She was supposed to be in bed , but little Stephanie had slipped under the table . From her hiding place , she watched her father in his armchair . The room was small and crowded , but that corner was reserved for Dad . His books were stacked high all over the floor . He sat in his chair , reading . Some nights , he wrote in his journal , but tonight he was reading his favorite book . She had often hidden under the table after Mom went to bed . It was the only time she could be with her dad and be at peace . Even if he couldn 't see her , she was as close as she could get . Her foot kicked one of the chairs , and she held her breath . First because of the pain , then for the scolding that would come for not going to bed . Nothing happened . She lCHAPTER TWENTY - FIVE The office door opened , and Stephanie stopped drumming her nails on the waiting chair . " They 're almost ready , " the secretary told her as she returned to her desk . Stephanie nodded and gnawed her lip as she looked around the church office . Holly had encouraged her to come and present her idea , but she didn 't think they would agree to hear what she had to say . Now that they had , she felt sick to her stomach . What if they laughed ? After all , who was she that they would support her idea ? " Miss Kenthal ? " Stephanie looked up . " You can go in . They 're ready for you . " With a thundering heart , she went inside . Every chair around the long table was filled , and when they looked at her as she entered , she felt very small . The man standing extended his hand . " I 'm Pastor Johnson . We 're looking forward to hearing your vision . " " Did the people from the pregnancy care center get here ? " she asked him . " Yes , they 're right over there . Good luck . " He smiled and sat down as she stood at the head of the table . " Thank you all for this opportunity , " she began . " I know you are here because you are disturbed by the vast number of babies being killed every day by those whose job is to love and protect them . Many are fighting to change the laws of this nation , but what if the law of the land reflects the heart of the people ? If we have hurting people , they will make laws out of that pain . " She bowed her head slightly . " If anyone has ever been hurt , you might understand what I mean . When you 're hurt deeply , you don 't look to logic or debate . All you want is the pain to stop . Our laws try to keep us from harming one another , but merely changing the law is like stealing the crutches from the person with a broken leg , without offering anything in return . " Our land - our people - our mothers need healing . It 's time to reach the hearts . " * * * * * * * * * * MARCUS SAT DOWN as Sergeant Conner took an overseeing step back . The visit deputy escorted Logan to his seat on the other side of the glass window . " They 're takingCHAPTER TWENTY - SIX Stephanie finished spreading the strawberry jelly over the layer of peanut butter . She closed the sandwich with a slice of soft potato bread , and Matthew eagerly snatched the food from the counter . " Look a box ! " He held up the sandwich . " Yes , it 's a square . " He ran over to Mrs . Averad who sat at the small table , waiting to leave for the big day . Stephanie quickly wiped the counter clean . They were almost ready . " Look ! It 's a box . " Stephanie heard her little boy exclaim . " Oh , you 're going to get that everywhere . Here , " the old woman took the food from his hands and tore the large sandwich in half . " There . That 's easier to handle . " He held up the halves in dismay . Setting the food down , he ran out of the kitchen and soon returned with something in hand , which he held up to Stephanie . " Here , Mommy . Tape it . " " Oh sweetie , " she knelt down next to him , " some things can 't be undone . But you want a box ? " She went over and picked up the knife . She cut the sandwich into quarters . " Now you have four squares , and you 're not going to make a mess all over Mommy 's clean kitchen . It 's better . " She tousled his hair as he excitedly shoved one of the quarters into his mouth . She stood and looked at the clock . " Time to go . You ready ? " She glanced over at Mrs . Averad . " I 've been waiting for you . " " Then let 's go . " Stephanie helped Mrs . Averad into the car on the passenger 's side , and Matthew hopped in the backseat . As Stephanie drove , she thought of the two years that had gone by since she presented her idea before the church . Together , they had worked to make her vision a reality , and today was the opening day . She took a deep breath . So much work had gone into this . The car stopped along the curb . They climbed out and made their way toward the gathering on the lawn . Pastor Johnson greeted Stephanie along with many of the members who had worked so diligently on this center . Stephanie 's heart pounded . She had invited almost everyone she knew . Grandpa Earl and Grandma Helen had agreed tACKNOWLEDGEMENTS IF YOU HAVE COMMENTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE CONSIDERED FOR THE INSIDE THE BOOK AS AN ENDORSEMENT , PLEASE SEND TO : BLUEEYES4CHRIST @ GMAIL . COM ASAP ( preferably today ) And feel free to leave any comments on the blog as an encouragement for others to read and share the site ! Maybe the Holy Spirit will use the story to heal hearts . Blessings ! RESOURCES : Adema , Jeff 's world had changed . No longer was he a little junior high boy . He had made it into a new school . Things were going to be different . . .
I don 't know what to say about this piece of flash fiction . It is easily one of the darkest I 've ever written . ( If you 're squeamish , feel free to skip this one . I promise , next week 's won 't be so rough . ) It takes a standard , familiar premise ( the weird , old guy everyone in the neighborhood suspects is a killer ) and pushes beyond the urban legends kids pass from one to another as they walk past his house every day to and from school . It makes him into a monster , something truly worth being afraid of . I have to confess , though , I feel like a hypocrite posting it . This is the second time since I wrote about the need to keep your fiction from going too dark that I 've written something darn near hopeless . I honestly think I 'm working through some things in my own mind that are finding their way onto the page in the form of these grim short stories . I 've had a couple of rough months , personally . Some disappointments and unpleasant revelations . Since writing is somewhat therapeutic to me , that shit tends to wind up in my stories one way or another . It 's good for me , if you can believe it , but I question if I should be sharing the dark visions that visit me when I 'm working through my own issues . But then again , it 's Friday . I need to post some flash fiction and this is what I 've written , for better or for worse . And honestly , writing this took a lot out of me . I don 't really feel like crafting a whole new story right now , so this is what you get this week , dear reader . I hope you 're in the mood to be disturbed . There has always been speculation about Mr . Kinter . In fairness , he is weirdly reclusive and he moved in just shorty before the Peterson boy went missing . The neighborhood rumor mill took to that like lonely teenage girls take to Twilight . It doesn 't help that he 's an odd looking goliath of a man . Seriously , minimal costuming would be needed for him to go to Halloween parties as Frankenstein . He has a prominent , blocked brow , a chin that looks like it was chiseled by a beginning sculptor under duress , and savage , beady little eyes . Even adults give him a wide berth . In response , he sits on his porch for hours at a time , eyeing anything that dares to tread the sidewalk in front of his house . I 'll admit it - his glare is oppressive . I don 't like walking by that place when he 's outside . I feel like he 's looking at me in a way that leaves me naked , and it creeps me out . But I saw Kevin Underhill key his car . I watched the little shit put a deep scratch in it running from the front quarter panel all the way to the rear wheel well . If some kid had done the same to my car , I 'd want to know about it , so I figured the neighborly thing would be to walk over to his house and tell him . He could work it out with the Underhill 's from there . He wasn 't on his porch that afternoon . In fact , it looked like he wasn 't home at all . I knocked on the door a couple of times and was about to go home for a pen and some paper to leave a note when he finally opened the door . A musky smell rolled out . He didn 't smile . " Mr . Kinter , I 'm Jack Baker . I live across the way there . Listen , I saw one of the neighborhood kids key your car . " " He used a key to leave a long scratch down the side of it . It was Kevin Underhill . His folks live down the block at 4326 . I thought you 'd want to know . " The first thing I remember smelling when I woke up was formaldehyde . I hadn 't been around any since eleventh grade when they made us dissect frogs , but it has a distinct odor . You don 't forget it . I was blindfolded and there was something in my mouth . Something round and rubbery . I could feel a strap holding it in place , leaving my jaw aching from being forced into an open position . I was drooling . " It 's a ball gag , " Mr . Kinter said . " Some people use them for fun , if you can believe it . Sex games , that kind of thing . I actually ordered it from a BDSM website . I 've found few other implements that suppress screams as well . " I mumbled into the ball gag , my teeth biting down on the rubber and my tongue pushing against it . It did no good . He was right - it suppressed sound of any kind quite nicely . He was silent while I struggled . I could feel my hands now . My feet , too . I could tell I was strapped down to a chair , my arms behind my back with my hands tied together . The air was cool and crisp with an earthy smell , which led me to believe we were in his cellar . I was a captive within 100 yards of my own home . I pulled at the bonds , twisting my arms and trying to kick my legs , but it did no good . Finally , I screamed into the gag , but that , too , accomplished nothing . In frustration , my throat raw , I stopped . " There is typically an initial fit , like the one you just threw . Calm yourself . You are securely strapped down to a very solid oak chair . You aren 't going anywhere . " I could hear him moving . I could feel the air in the room swirl as he walked past me on the left and then around me , returning on my right . I heard a chair move and I guessed that he sat down . " Now , we have some … unpleasantness to discuss . I doubt you remember the coffee you took from me . It was laced with two chemicals . The first knocked you out . The second was a derivative of methanol . Are you familiar with what methanol does to a person when ingested ? " Realization swept over me like a lawnmower sweeps over grass . I wasn 't blindfolded . I was blind . My stomach rolled and I began to feel nauseous , but with my mouth so thoroughly gagged , if I threw up I would drown in it . I rocked back and forth in the chair , pulling at my bonds again and yelling into the gag . I could feel slobber streaming off my chin onto my chest . The chair teetered to one side and I threw my weight in the other direction , pushing it beyond balance and rewarding me with an abrupt encounter with the concrete floor . Mr . Kinter tisked . " You nearly knocked over my suitcase , " he said . " Not that you can see it . " He sounded glib , even happy . I could hear a smile in the fucker 's voice . " You might have damaged some of my toys . We can 't have that . " He walked around me and lifted the chair back into an upright position . I sat in it , held in place by rope like a rag doll . That 's what I felt like - little more than lifeless meat and bone in sack made of skin . " Very well . Perhaps I 'll offer it again in a while . " I could feel him close to me now . His acrid breath was in my face , his large hands on my shoulders . He leaned in close and whispered into my ear , " Or perhaps not . " Then he chuckled . It was the most alive I 'd seen him since he moved in . Not that I actually saw him . Not with my ruined eyes . But in my mind , I could see his sweaty smile , his grossly plump lips pulling back from yellow teeth in a sick pantomime of joy . I could see his eyes , typically deadpan , now dancing with delight . And I could see his hands , large and rough and lethal , tracing along my collar bone , brushing across my chest as he pulled back from me . " I have a deep freezer here in the basement , " he said . " I like to keep things . Souvenirs . Scottie Peterson 's hands are there . He had the most lovely hands . I wish I hadn 't skinned the fingers , to tell you the truth . They were lovelier before . But then again , his screams were lovely , too . " " When you 've settled down , I 'll take out the gag . I 'll let you have some water and maybe some food and we can begin . I could take the gag out now - no one can hear you from down here . The walls are sound - proofed - but I don 't like whiny screams . I like the more passionate screams . The screams that are born in the purity of pain . Oh … those screams … " He sounded like he was becoming aroused and , again , my stomach lurched . Now I wanted to throw up . To drown in vomit would surely be better than anything he had planned . He moved toward me again , his fingertips caressing my face while I sobbed . " You will know the pain . Oh yes . You will feel its kiss , its thorny embrace . I will take you to places you 've never even dreamed of , and then , when we 've frolicked enough , I will set you free . " Having finished his Judas kiss , he ran his fingers through my hair and , finally , mercifully , he walked away . I heard him on the steps , ascending , leaving me alone in the dark so I could calm down and give him the screams he wanted to hear . I heard him reach the top step and stop . He stood there for a moment , watching me , I suspect , and said , " I think I 'll keep your head . " This story is a continuation of the flash fiction I wrote last week for Flash Fiction Friday , though this one has been written based on a prompt from the 500 Club . ( If you haven 't read " those screams " yet , you might want to check it out first . ) It 's funny - I thought last week 's piece was particularly dark , but that wasn 't the feedback I got on it . And , as I mentioned in one of the comments , no sooner had I posted it than I wanted to go back to it and see what happens beyond the end . I knew , even before I looked at any prompts this week , that I would revisit Mr . Kinter and poor Jack . Then , when I saw the prompts at the 500 Club , it was clear I was meant to keep this story going . One of them fit so perfectly with the idea I already had , how could I pass it up ? Vye was positively giddy . Write a scene with a ticking clock . Figurative or literal , this scene must have a countdown , a deadline , a looming axe about to fall . Go . James told me not to make any noise . It 's hard , though - like when we were kids and he would make me laugh during church . Momma pinched the back of my arm if I embarrassed her , so I tried to hold it in , but that only made things funnier . James liked to make fun of the preacher . Sometimes we pretended that he was talking about sex instead of Jesus . That was dirty but it always made me laugh , and momma would pinch my arm and put her hand over my mouth to keep me from screaming . That was when we were little , though . Sometimes I had bruises on the back of my arm after church , but it wasn 't too bad . James liked it when they were deep and purple , but usually they hardly showed at all , so sometimes he 'd help them . When he first started doing it he had to hold me down , but the colors were so pretty and it made him so happy , I ended up asking him to do it . " Make them pretty . " That 's what I said to him . When we were 12 - we 're twins , even though he 's a boy and I 'm a girl - James started making the cats pretty . There were tons of them around our house . Most of them were strays , but there was this widow across the street who had at least twenty cats , James said . Sometimes we would make one of hers pretty . As much as I liked the purple on my arms , the red was even lovelier . James was like an artist . Usually when we made a cat pretty we took it down to our basement . Momma was real sick by then and she didn 't pay any attention to what we did . Besides , that 's where James kept his tools - a pair of pliers , a file , a tack hammer , a funnel , some wire , like the kind they used to hang pictures , and a couple of screw - drivers . Plus , there were lots of bottles of stuff down there . It was always fun to see what would happen if we made the cat drink some . One time James decided he wanted to make one of the widow 's cats pretty in her own backyard . I carried his tools for him . My job was to be the lookout and to keep quiet . James made my arm pretty before we went to help me remember . She cried for a long time . I 'd never heard anyone cry like that . It made me sad , but it made James very happy . He said he liked the sounds of her screams . He 's going to make this one scream , I think . He can 't see me because James made him blind . I 'm just supposed to watch him until James comes back . His tools are all here . The saga of the Kinter house continues . If you haven 't read my last two flash fiction pieces , you might want to check them out before wading into this one . ( Be sure to read them in the order they were published . ) I find myself warming to this story with each new piece I write for it . It is , admittedly , a stereotypical sort of premise : a strange old man who lives in the house that everyone on the block talks about . Is he evil ? A psycho ? What does he do in there all by himself ? Maybe it 's the fact that it 's a classic setup that has me intrigued . There 's nothing wrong with that . Sometimes it 's a good ( even powerful ) writing exercise to play with the formulaic , paying homage to those who have written similar stories before and adding your own little twists to the common legend . Whatever the case , I 'm having fun making a serial out of these . I 'm even enjoying using whatever prompts pop up each week to create the next layer of the story . It makes for an interesting challenge , knowing a little bit of where I think it 's going , but having to use specific words and setups to get there . Carrie leaned against the bus stop sign on the sidewalk . She seemed entirely unconcerned about the first day back . She and Kevin and Max had been watching the Kinter house all Sunday afternoon and she didn 't intend to leave without seeing Mr . Baker reemerge . But Kevin couldn 't go home . Not with Carrie still there , keeping watch . When they saw Mr . Baker go into the house Kevin had just about pissed himself . What did he think he was accomplishing , keying Mr . Kinter 's car ? He only did it because Carrie dared him to . It seemed like a stupid thing now . Carrie laughed and said , " I told you - my mom heard he 's the new calculus teacher at the high school . No one knows who the new middle school principle is yet . Some big fuckin ' secret . " Even Max turned red hearing Carrie say ' fuck ' . Max wasn 't a big baby like Kevin , but neither of them were as bold as she was . They were on a practically deserted street . They hadn 't seen traffic in over an hour . No one was even watering their lawn , but here they were blushing at the sound of a girl cussing . They both probably still thought new shoes could make them run faster . Carrie was almost certain Kevin still believed in Santa Clause . " Look , " she said , ignoring their embarrassment , " Mr . Baker went in there and he hasn 't come out . It 's been two hours ! Is he friends with that old creep or what ? I think we should go check it out . " Kevin looked like he was about to shit himself . " Check it out ? ! " he sputtered . " What , like sneak into his yard and try and spy on them through the window ? My dad 'll kill me ! " That elicited a chuckle from Max . " Dude , your dad is already gonna kill you when he finds out you keyed Kinter 's car . " Kevin looked to Carrie for support but found none . She had them now . Max wouldn 't back down if she could taunt Kevin into joining her little raiding party . They were both nearly a year older than her , due to turn 13 in October and November , but they followed her lead and she knew why . She was a girl . They couldn 't retreat if she was going in . Huddled on the other side , shielded from the Kinter house by Mrs . O ' Connelly 's massive bush - they 'd laughed about that more than once - they formulated a plot . Carrie spoke : " We 're not gonna do anything stupid . We 'll just sneak over to the corner window and look into the living room . " Carrie shrugged . " You don 't have to apologize for calling him a pussy . He is . " Then she crouched and ran across the yard toward the house , motioning for the other two to follow . They arrived at the corner with little fanfare . Carrie put a finger in front of her lips to ensure that Kevin didn 't say something loud . It was the kind of stupid thing he might otherwise do . She straightened her legs , rising high enough to peek into the window from the bottom . She saw a boring living room , something that looked like a throw - back to the forties , but nothing more . The promise that the coast was clear evidently gave Kevin a boost of courage . He stood , too , while Max remained crouched scanning the street . However , Kevin straightened his legs fully , bringing his head and shoulders into view just as Mr . Kinter , wearing some kind of weird black leather apron , rounded the corner from the kitchen . She ducked down , having been missed by Kinter , and she and Max made a made stealthy dash for Mrs . O ' Connelly 's bush . But Kevin twisted his ankle when he tried to pivot away from the window . Flailing his arms , he went down . Carrie and Max weren 't the deserting type , but there didn 't seem to be any sense in all three of them getting busted . Kevin 's ass was already on the line for keying Mr . Kinter 's car . This would just mean a little more punishment for him . They made it to the bush and turned , peering through the branches to watch . Mr . Kinter moved fast for a man his age . He was outside and rounding the corner of the house just as Max and Carrie dove behind the bush . He looked down at Kevin . " It 's rude to spy on people , " he said . " Where are your manners , young man ? " Without waiting for an answer , he lifted Kevin by the back of his shirt and brought him to eye level . " Wow , " Carrie said quietly . " He 's strong . " Whispering so that Max and Carrie could not hear , he spoke to Kevin : " Maybe I should open you up and see if I can find them ? Perhaps they are in your spleen . I 'll have to dissect it to see . " Looking down , he saw footprints in the mud around the window . Certainly more than one pair . " Where are your friends ? " he asked . Time to add another layer to the trouble brewing in the Kinter house . If you haven 't read the first three installments of this series , be sure to check them out here before diving into this one . ( The link will display them with the most recent story at the top . Scroll to the bottom and read them in the order they were posted . ) I 'm not sure where all this is headed yet . This is the first time I 've written a larger story in short flash fiction pieces and it 's a lot of fun . Each week I come back to the story with a vague idea of the next installment , but then I have to conform my rough ideas so that they accommodate a current prompt , and I refuse to let myself cheat on that . The prompt invariably pushes a few elements of the story in directions I wouldn 't have guessed , but that extra challenge also opens all kinds of doors . For example , I didn 't even know what a kukri was before writing this , but I needed James to have a curved blade so that I could use the word " curve " . Live and learn . James Kinter fervently believed that acute self awareness was his personal curse . Most people simply don 't know themselves well enough to know what their purpose is , but not him . Other people are slaves to their desires , not their design . He was no slave at all . He 'd had the good fortune to discover early in life that his design and desire ran in parallel to one another . Harnessing such knowledge , what could he do but act on it ? His life to that point had been an elaborate series of choices , sacrifice intermingled with precise intention . Never substitution . He had hidden Jessica from the world because he knew they would not accept her . He laid out the foundation of a forgettable but solid reputation . He had been frugal with money , careful with his art and , above all else , very deliberate about his subjects . Until today . He looked down at the boy now slumped on his couch and cursed himself . What had he been thinking ? It was rash . Foolishly rash . He should have simply shooed the little bastard out of the yard , not hauled him inside , but he was caught up in the moment . His adrenaline was already peaked thinking about Mr . Baker down in the basement . Instead of simply telling the boy to leave he had whispered threats fueled by his enthusiasm . What 's worse , the tracks in the mud outside the window suggested that the young spy had not been alone . Idly , his hand slipped under his leather apron . His thumb ran along the sharp curve of his kukri . It was tempting , but he could control the urge . Slowly , a plan formulated , and with it a sense of relief . He recognized the boy as one from the neighborhood . He knew the rumors going around about him . He could wait until the lad woke and offer to call his parents , pretending that the boy 's memory of their initial encounter was simply the figment of a child 's overactive imagination . If he called the boy 's parents and was kind to him until they arrived , no one could accuse him of any wrong doing . With luck , the incident might actually quell fears instead of shining a spotlight on his true intentions . He turned from the boy and retreated to the kitchen . Slipping off the apron , he trotted down the stairs . When he reached the bottom he put a finger to his lips to let Jessica know that the time had not yet come to reveal herself . She looked to him with doe eyes , all wonder and submission , and he smiled . She was a kind soul , his twin sister . So accommodating . So willing to accept her role as his silent helper . So very pretty . He 'd seen to that years ago . He hung the leather apron on a hook jutting from the wall and took off his utility belt . It held the kukri along with several other useful small tools - a pair of needle nose pliers , a tack hammer , so effective on knuckles , two ice picks and a taser , just in case . He bought the taser after the Peterson boy bit him . In the future , such insolence would be rewarded with 400 volts delivered to the neck . Jessica watched him set his tools to the side with a curious frown . He dosed a cloth with chloroform and placed it over Mr . Baker 's mouth and nose . When he was sure his guest was sleeping , he turned to Jessica . " There 's been a small complication , love . A neighborhood boy and his friends were spying on the house . The boy is upstairs in the living room , passed out . I 'll need to contact his parents and play the role of a concerned neighbor for a while . It could take some time . I need you to remain here , in the basement with our guest . We 'll have to wait to begin until I can sort this mess out . " She pouted but he knew she would do as told . He crossed the room to her and placed a single kiss gently on her forehead . " He should remain asleep for a while . If he stirs , don 't say anything . Just use the chloroform like I did and put him back out . Do not make him pretty . " Upstairs , he put on a pot of coffee . In the living room , he turned on the TV . “… and with that strikeout the Rangers are one step closer to a win . Two away , bottom of the ninth … " James found sports boring , but who could think him a monster if he were sipping coffee and enjoying America 's past time on a Sunday afternoon ? He was a stickler for detail , so he took the stairs to the second floor and went to his bedroom where he changed into a black shirt and trousers . Granted , it made him look like some kind of unholy priest , but the boy and his friends would swear he had been wearing a black apron . Black clothes would make this detail seem imagined . He was just tying the laces on his shoes when he heard a noise downstairs . Glass . Breaking . " He 's in here ! " he heard a hushed voice exclaim . " On the couch ! " A girl . The boy 's friends . Damn it . He shook his head , anger and excitement rising in him . His arms felt on fire with adrenaline . He made for the stairs with all haste , having already forgotten the lie he had been preparing to tell . Once again this week we revisit the Kinter house . If you haven 't read the other stories in this series , be sure to check them out here before reading this week 's flash fiction . ( Start at the bottom and read them in the order they were posted . ) The prompt for this story comes from the gang over at the 500 Club , and it fit quite nicely with where the story left off last week . ( As an aside , the 500 Club is hosted by The Parking Lot Confessional and I had the honor of writing a guest post for them which was published earlier today . If you 'd like to read my thoughts on the craft of exposition , you can find that post here . ) I do believe this story manages to fulfill the prompt in a way that is not cliché and not at all overly sentimental , but I 'll let you be the judge of that . Tell me what you think , of this installment and of the series , in the comments . Any one out there rooting for Mr . Kinter ? Kevin awoke to some startlingly bad news . It was , he believed , the worst news he could have possibly gotten . Had he known how the next 2 minutes would play out , he would have been grateful for how good he had it , but he didn 't know the future so he woke up believing he was already pretty damn close to rock - bottom . The first thing he noticed was Carrie 's voice . It was strong , even demanding , and still somehow beautiful . She was urging him to wake up , and the idea that she wanted him in any state at all made him smile lazily . The next thing he noticed was a cooling sensation radiating from his crotch . For the briefest of moments , he thought maybe Carrie was touching him there , but then his nose caught the scent and he felt the moisture and he knew what it was . His joy evaporated . He plunged headlong into the deepest pits of shame . He opened his eyes , already prepared for things to be bad , and took in his surroundings . There was Carrie , her face frantic , and Max a few feet behind staring over his shoulder . They were both jumpy . The room was strange to him . Foreign . It smelled of cabbage soup , like his grandmother 's house , and half the stuff looked like it belonged in a museum . Then it hit him . Holy fuck - Mr . Kinter ! Mr . Kinter saw him outside the window . He said he was going to rip him open and look at his spleen . His spleen ! Oh , God ! Carrie pulled Kevin to his feet . In spite of his embarrassment , he knew the most important thing at that moment was to get out of the house . Mr . Kinter scared , well , the piss out of him , and whether he meant his dissection threat or not , Kevin had no desire to encounter him again . He stood and , following Carrie 's lead , moved toward the kitchen . That was when all three kids realized Max 's mistake . They hadn 't heard Mr . Kinter moving upstairs , but rather down the stairs , only he wasn 't coming down the front staircase that led into the living room . He was coming down the back staircase . His shadow was already big on the kitchen floor and from the sounds of his footfalls he would arrive in the room before they could cross to the back door and make their escape . Looking for an alternate path to safety , Kevin discovered they were standing next to a door . It was open only a crack , but he could see stairs leading down . Without another thought , he swung the door open and rushed down the stairs . Carrie and Max followed . At the bottom of the stairs Kevin discovered just how bad his day had gotten . The prompt for this story is brought to you by the 500 Club . It is , honestly , very similar to the prompt I used for the third part of this series ( ' raiding party ' ) in that it 's all about back to school . But , as we already know , Mr . Kinter is a teacher - in more ways than one - and the trio of kids are living out their last day of freedom before another tour of duty in the classroom . ( At least , they hope it 's just their last day of freedom and not their last day . ) All that to say , the prompt worked into the series nicely . Write a story about a teacher and his / her students . What are they studying ? Are they learning how to slay a dragon , or is this the first day of space camp ? Feel free to write about your own hobbies or interests , with a twist . At the sound of his voice , the girl whipped her head around and glared at him . She was the fiery one , he surmised . The dangerous one . She pivoted and charged him , her tiny fists clenched . Her pony tail bounced behind her head like a banner - the girl knight of the golden locks . Mr . Kinter smiled . The girl gained an impressive amount of speed in the few feet between her and Mr . Kinter , but he was much bigger and much stronger than she . Also , he had dealt with this sort of thing before . Whereas her adrenaline was on overdrive , he was nursing a comfortable epinephrine high and was resolved to avoid a second instance of rash over - reaction . When she was only inches from him , he side stepped and slipped his arm behind her , his palm locking onto the small of her back . All he had to do then was pull his shoulder blades together , capitalizing on her momentum . She very nearly flew into the staircase . " School begins tomorrow , " he said . " The first day of term . However , I think an advance lesson might be in order for you two young men . Perhaps something that will encourage you to avoid breaking into a neighbor 's house in the future . " " You 've made a mess for me , frankly . I had intended to settle here . To stay here for some time . Now I have to pick up and move on … again , this time much sooner than I had planned . I cannot let you go , you understand . " He clucked his tongue . " Still , the more the merrier , they say . Now Jessica and I have four … projects … instead of only one . " Then , without warning , he grabbed Max by the left arm , stood and jerked hard . Max spun on his toes and his shoulder popped , the jointed dislocated . He howled , which won him a brutal backhand . Mr . Kinter pulled him to an empty chair near the foot of the stairs and pushed him down into it . He used duct tape to secure his arms and legs , and then slapped the boy again across the face , for good measure . The prompt this week ( from the 500 Club ) is a perfect example of how unpredictable the development of this series can be , even for me . This prompt was , I assure you , the easiest one to weave into the fabric of this series available this week , and it was no easy thing to fit it in . ( Feel free to let me know in the comments if it feels forced or if it works for you . ) And yet , I loved writing it … because I had to be creative and work to make it fit . ( It helped that Vye was definitely by my side today . She 's a helpful girl when she wants to be . ) While I 'm talking about the series , another thing I 've enjoyed about writing it is that the point of view changes with each installment . That makes each piece feel totally different to me , and allows me to capitalize on the knowledge , experience and ignorance of different characters . ( Also , since it 's what Stoker did when writing Dracula , it makes me feel just a little bit - a teeny , tiny bit - like I 'm following in the footsteps of one of the greats . ) It 's a little thing - something I 've never even told anyone about for fear of embarrassment . A couple of years ago I was out on a walk , thinking about life and some big decisions I had coming up . I was worried and anxious . I knew what I wanted to have happen , but I felt like it was a long shot . All the stars would have to align , that kind of thing . While I was walking , I found this small , round stone on the street near the curb . It looked like the kind of stone that should be on a beach somewhere , having been worn smooth by the constant churning of water . And yet , it was on my street , less than half a mile from my house , nowhere near a beach of any kind . I picked it up and , without realizing I was doing it , began to rub my thumb against it as I walked and thought . I thought about what I wanted to have happen , how I wanted the turbulence in my life to settle , and made those quiet , secret wishes we all make but pretend we don 't . When I got home , I set the stone on my dresser . Within days I knew the outcome of the issues I 'd been fretting over . Everything came out just as I 'd hoped it would . The superstitious side of me attributed my good fortune to the stone , which I decided must have granted my wishes that day on my walk . Since then , more days than not , I carry the stone in my pocket . It 's small - only about the size of a silver dollar - and I remain convinced it somehow helps . Call it my rabbit 's foot . My lucky pair of socks . As I came to , the first thing I felt was that stone in my pocket . I should have felt my hands , still bound to the chair , or the ball gag , still stuffed securely in my mouth . I should have felt the drool running off my chin or even the tears I 'd cried earlier , now dried on my face and leaving crusty reside around my useless eyes . But no . I felt the stone , it 's meager weight reminding me that it was still in my pocket . I hear steps and sobbing . There were more people in the basement now . I heard a child 's whimper and Mr . Kinter announce that he intended to teach someone how to remove a human ear with a pair of scissors . Then I heard sounds . Horrible sounds . No screams , but cutting sounds mixed with sploshes , splats and hacks . I closed my mind to the sounds and focused on the stone . Maybe it was just a stone . Maybe it had no power at all , no magic to it . Maybe it was silly or stupid or desperate of me , but I started wishing . I called on it to hear me again . I wished to be out of that basement and somewhere safe . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
What has slicing taught me ? I am sure that I will forget something , but I am going to use my slice today to attempt to list many of the great advantages of slicing ( and some of my new learning too ! ) . 1 . Audience - I love to write with and for other people , but rarely write when it 's just for me . It is ESSENTIAL that my students have an audience for their writing . 2 . Feedback is a must ! After writing my post for the day , I would check my inbox to see if anyone had commented on my post . It is so exciting to get feedback from others when you are writing . 3 . Feedback does not always elicit revision . Sometimes feedback is just feedback . You can revise after receiving feedback , but sometimes you just want to enjoy it . 4 . Don 't be too intense about making sure that everyone has walked away with a specific thing each day . I worry about what the take away is with my students and I am pretty hard on myself . I think that for awhile anyway , kids need to write to build community , develop an atmosphere of sharing and giving feedback . They really need to be comfortable and if I am sitting next to them asking them what they learned about writing that day ( or sometimes telling them ) , it can suck the joy out of writing . 5 . You can use any container for any topic . I learned this when I was in the writing project , but really noticed the truth of this statement as I was writing . 6 . Writing is fun ! It doesn 't have to be laborious . 7 . Ralph Fletcher was right all those years ago when he said to write what matters . Those topics tend to flow . 8 . I CAN write for 31 days in a row ! ! ! ! I LOVE TO SLICE ! ! ! : ) Posted by If you didn 't know , today is world bipolar day . It is a day for people with bipolar disorder to tell others about their disorder and their success with that disorder . If you didn 't read my earlier post about my son Connor , you would not know that my son has bipolar disorder . I initially thought about writing a post to Connor , in letter format , as I have seen other slicers do . Then I thought more about it . Bipolar disorder has not just effected Connor . It has effected each of the members of our family in different ways . So here 's to my family and their amazing love for each other . . . To Tim ( my husband ) - I am sorry that Connor has been " sick " for much of his life as I know that neither one of us would choose that for him . Thank you for loving him anyway . Thank you for sticking around because I am sure that there have been times when you wanted to run for the boarder ! : ) This journey would have been so much harder without you by my side . Thank you ! I love you ! To Emma - You have been an amazing big sister to Connor ! You have always been there for him . I remember you trying to calm him down so many times and sometimes you were the only one who could . I wanted to protect you from the bad times , but you wouldn 't let me . You jumped right in and loved your brother no matter what ! I truly believe that God gave you a gift that I have seen in very few others that helps you to be there . You talk him down . You give him a reason to live . You never give up . : ) You have also been there for your baby sister . She was so scared of Connor 's behavior sometimes and you helped to get her out of harms way and you distracted her when she was worried or afraid . I am so sorry that you had to deal with some of the things that you have . I wouldn 't wish the hard times on anyone and I wish I could have made them better for you . I love you very much . You are strong and brave and you have a HUGE loving heart . Thank you for sharing that with your family . To Connor - I am so sorry that your life is not easy , that you have been so sick that you didn 't even want to live anymore . I am very proud of you for sticking it out . I know that you have been in some places that I never could have imagined sending you and for that I am sorry . Your comfort sometimes had to come second to your survival . We have been in some scary places together , but at the end of the day you were always willing to do what you needed to do to get better . I am so grateful for that ! Don 't every stop taking your meds . You need them to survive . It is more than just mood swings for you sweetheart . If you are not on your meds , you are not yourself and it almost always ends in a hospital stay . You need to remember that bipolar disorder to you is what diabetes is to me . We have to take our medicine to stay healthy . You are NOT bipolar disorder . You HAVE bipolar disorder . You can do whatever you want as long as you take care of yourself . I love you ! To Abbie - You were so scared when you were little . I am so sorry that you were . You have so Posted by I don 't go out very often . I usually get everything I need to get done and then shower and watch my recorded shows in the evening . Last night , however , my friend Michelle asked me to go out and I thought , what the heck ? I haven 't been out in forever and it really sounds like fun ! We went to a place called the Bluestone which ironically , used to be a Baptist Church . We didn 't know what to expect , but quickly found out that there was a country concert there . Exciting ! We went in and ordered our first drinks ( one of two for me since I was driving ) and walked around to check things out . The first musician was getting started and so we went onto the dance floor and danced around to the music . Pretty soon , we were talking to the people around us and dancing in a group . It was SO MUCH FUN ! : ) I felt like I was 22 and danced like I was 22 ( nothing like the girls in the video - I was NEVER that cool ) . I raised my glass and hooted and hollered like I was 22 . I 'm not saying that I am going to do this very often , but for right now , I have to tell you how important it is for all of us to make sure that our lives are balanced with work and fun . Don 't spend your life at home . Get out and explore ! It will seriously be good for your spirit ! : ) So as not to mislead you , I will tell you that if you are in your 40 's and you haven 't danced in a REALLY long time , you will NOT feel like you are 22 when you get out of bed the next morning ! LOL Thank goodness I had a scheduled massage today ! : ) I leave you with the song that inspired my title . . . Enjoy and Happy Dancing ! Goodbye Scale ! ! ! I have been trying ( using this loosely ) to lose weight for about 18 years now . When I was young , I was a skinny little thing who could eat EVERYTHING in sight and not bat an eye . I never gained a pound . This lasted all the way through college . Then I got pregnant with my oldest child and I ate so much ! : ) I thought I had a tapeworm before I knew I was pregnant . LOL I lost the weight after E , but then I was pregnant with C by the time E was one . Whew ! I was crazy hungry again . . . I tried to have self control , but it was an epic fail . One day I ate a WHOLE box of turtles ( and slept for 2 1 / 2 hours after ) . Bad choice , but anyway . . . I gained ten pounds less with C than with E . I thought that was better , but the doctor was not as enthusiastic . I lost most of the weight after C . When I trained to be a literacy coordinator , I worked long hours and ate at odd times . . . lots of fast food . I stress ate and ate when I was bored , happy , sad . . . I ate my feelings and found a new all time high on the scale . I was actually thinner when I was pregnant with A because of gestational diabetes than before I was pregnant . The scale became something that I would step on time after time after time , worrying that what I saw would disappoint me . It did . . . I would lose , gain , lose , gain . . . So now I am training for a triathalon . I am not doing it alone . I am the swimmer . My sister is biking and my brother is running . I have not weighed myself in awhile . I refuse to . I go to the gym at least three days a week . I work out for 20 minutes , lift weights and swim for about 45 minutes . I feel good . I 'm stronger and I have more energy . I do like to see progress though , so instead of weighing myself , I am measuring myself and the inches are coming off . : ) It 's exciting ! I can see the bones in my feet , the muscle that runs along the front of my calf , and I can feel my jaw . I am starting to feel the difference in my clothes . I even went down a dress size ! ! ! : ) This is it for me . I am not working out to lost weight . I am doing it becauseDeb Lairson I have a strength and a curse . I am very visual . By that I mean that I don 't know what I want until I see it . If I hang something in my house or lay a rug down or place jars on the counter and it doesn 't look right , I will mess with it until it does . It could drive other people crazy ! I have learned to just accept it , but it can be a pain sometimes . Let 's talk about my winter wreath . . . I wanted more than just burlap and white so I added a little blue . I put together and took apart the wreath at least 5 times . I finally gave up and hung it on my front door . I thought about that wreath every time I drove up to my house or left my house . I couldn 't stand it . It didn 't look right . I was very proud of myself because I didn 't take it down , but I was thrilled to death when Ash Wednesday came around and I could put my Easter wreath out . Right now I am trying to figure out how to create a wall of pictures . Here I go again . . . I have tried the frames many different ways and each time I do , something is just not right , but I don 't know how to fix it . So here I go again . . . : ) Posted by My son Connor has never been " normal " . He has been fabulous , wonderful , loving , kind , caring , smart , funny , and a wonderful human being all around . He was born with bipolar disorder . Now , he was not diagnosed at birth , but from the get go , he was symptomatically bipolar . I didn 't know this when he was litttle , but when I was reading about it later on , his infancy was pretty typical for one with a mood disorder . Connor NEVER stopped crying unless I was holding him close to my body . He cried every time I put him down . He cried when his dad was holding him . He cried when he had a bath . This teeny tiny little person was anxious from the time he came out of the womb . He only felt comfort when in my arms , swaddled in a blanket and close to my neck . I loved it when he was little . He just seemed like a little cuddle bug . I quickly adapted by carrying him around in a snuggly . He was close to my body and I had my hands free . This was very important since I also had a one and a half year old little girl , my sweet Emma . Just breathe . . . As Connor got older , he seemed ok . He didn 't want to be away from me , but I just thought he was shy . He cried really hard when I left ( for four hours sometimes ) , but everyone went through separation anxiety , right ? My friend Michelle took her daughter to the same daycare I took Connor to , ( Emma went to a sitter who used to have Connor , but she couldn 't handle him ) . She came to me one day and said , " Have you every looked into Connor 's mental health ? I think he has bipolar . " WHAT ? ! ? Noooooo . . . . . I had never even thought about that . I was a teacher and I knew all about behavior modification , right ? I thought I could just teach him to make better choices . Just breathe . . . Connor continued to concern me , but it wasn 't until he was 6 that I was really willing to consider that something was definitely not right . Every night , Connor would go into a rage when I told him that it was time for bed . He did not handle doing anything that he didn 't really want to do well at all . I would hold him tightly while he raged on , until he would go limp in my arms , crying , " I 'm so sorry mommy . I don 't mean to . " Just breathe . . . My husband and I decided to take Connor to the doctor . He was diagnosed with bipolar type two with psychosis ( did I mention he was hearing voices ? ) . Initially , I thought that it would all be ok . That Connor could do anything that he set his mind to . Then we started trying meds . Oy ! That was NOT fun ! Connor tried so many meds in the first month after his diagnosis and there were so many different side effects . I remember when he tried one of the meds , my mother - in - law was over and Connor started laughing hysterically , rolling on the floor , scratching himself . I was trying not to appear too concerned as to not scare my mother - in - law . I called the doctor who said that I needed to stop the med . I looked over at my mother - in - law and she was sitting on the couch , looking at Connor , tears rolling down her cheeks . I had already been in the throws of this illness for long enough that I had forgotten what it looked like to others . Just breathe . . . We ended up putting Connor in the hospital . I felt like I couldn 't manage the many different side effects on my own . I had my third child by this time and she ( Abbie ) was only a year old . Getting your child into an inpatient facility is a horrific experience . I took Connor to the ER ( only way to get in ) , sat in a padded room ( where they put all mental health patients ) for over eight hours before anyone came to talk to us . Hungry and discouraged , I admitted Connor into the facility with great trepidation . I was leaving him there with other kids up to 18 years old . He was only 8 . . . Just breathe . . . Even though the hospital was hard , it was the answer to our prayers that we needed . Connor was put on a cocktail of different meds that took the voices away and made his rages disappear . The bad thing was that he now had a flat affect . I was assured that this would get better over time . I felt like I had lost my child and that I was choosing to keep him that way every time I gave him a dose of his medicine . It was devastating . I did a lot of praying and a lot of crying . I was very brave all day and then , when the children were all asleep , I would go to the basement , listen to Michael W . Smith 's song He 's My Son and I would cry . I didn 't have the words to pray sometimes to Michael did it for me . Just breathe . . . For 5 years , things were good . Connor went to the therapist every week and the psychologist every month . He was listening well and learning at school again . Whew ! I knew that this would not last forever , but I sure was grateful that it was lasting as long as it did . When Connor went into the 6th grade , he developed very significant anxiety . He had always been anxious , but managed to do everything he needed to do . Connor began to struggle going to school . He was worried that someone would throw up near him and that he would get sick . Flu season was definitely the worse . Connor refused to go to school and began to refuse to go to the psychiatrist . He was anxious about everything . For years we tried to figure out why he was anxious , but we couldn 't . That is why it is called generalized anxiety . Duh ! Just breathe . . . We spent the next 4 years , trying to get Connor to go to school . We dragged him there , dropped him off kicking and screaming , called the sherriff . Connor only escalated . He began to threaten to kill himself . He also began to rage again . Back to the hospital . . . Just breathe . . . Connor was in and out of the hospital through the beginning of 11th grade . He escalated to threatening me . I had to press charges . It was the hardest day of my life . It was the best thing that I have ever done . Connor was on probation for his behavior . He went back to the hospital to get his lithium level back up since he had stopped taking his meds . He finally decided that he wanted to do well . He wanted to stop fighting and start living . I 'm not going to say that this has been a walk in the park , but he is doing well right now . He is still going to the psychiatrist monthly but we are taking a break from counseling . Connor had therapy two days a week for two years and had become dependent upon the prompting of therapists . I told him that he needed to take on his learning himself . I told him that we would go back to counseling if he needed that level of support again . He knows that it is there if he needs it . Just breathe . . . Mental illness is a life sentence . There is no cure . I can tell you that through this experience , you really find out who your real friends are . You know who they are because they are the ones who look out for you and your other children . They come and take your 9 and 1 year old daughters out for a little fun while you deal with the side effects , doctor appointments and overall terror you are feeling , fearing for your child 's life . There were some days when I didn 't know if Connor would run away , jump out of a moving car , take pills , cut himself , or try to strangle or suffocate himself . It was scary stuff . Your real friends hold you while you cry , meet you at the hospital or show up at your door with dinner because they know you don 't have the energy to cook . We have been through some scary stuff with our little guy , but I have to say that the one thing I always remember is that God has a plan for my son and that plan does not involve being overcome by this mental illness . Connor 's illness has helped a lot of people to learn and grow . It has made me an advocate for the mentally ill . I hope anDeb Lairson When I was growing up , we had a laundry chute in the house that went from the second floor hallway into the laundry room downstairs . We always loved to throw our clothes down the chute , which was a brilliant way for my mom to get us to clean up after ourselves . : ) Eventually my brother , sister and I got the idea that the chute could be used for fun ! We started with our stuffed animals . One of us would go downstairs and open the cabinet door that the chute was built into and the other one would stand upstairs and yell , " Ready ? " That quickly turned into putting our Adventure People ( remember those ? ) on a string and helping them to " scale " the mountain that was the chute . That turned into , " Hey ! What if we went down the chute ? " I think that it may have been my idea originally , but it was quickly accepted by my brother and sister . Since Greg was the smallest at the time , we decided that we would start with him . It looked like it was going to be a piece of cake until . . . he was holding on to the outside of the chute , legs dangling toward the first floor . We thought it might not be such a good idea . . . We decided to pull him out , but he wouldn 't come out as easily as he had gone in . I decided that I was going to go downstairs to catch him . I opened the cabinet door , threw all of the dirty clothes on the floor and put myself into the shoot to reach up to my brother . I didn 't think it was going to work because I could hear my sister saying , " Just let go " to my brother 's " NOOOOOO " . : ) I reached up and grabbed his little foot and gave a tug . I told him I was right there and I wouldn 't let him fall . I hear the telltale sound of him sliding his little body through the chute . I didn 't anticipate a curve in the chute , but no worries ! I grabbed his little foot and PULLED ! He slid down the chute and out into the cabinet . It 's funny . . . That was quite an adventure for the three of us as we laughed and prayed that we would get Greg out before our parents came home , but we never spoke of it again . Posted by My daughter Emma and I traveled to South Carolina on Wednesday for her best friend 's graduation from basic training . It was a whirlwind trip , lasting only two days . We were in South Carolina long enough to get my first taste of spring ! It is amazing how just that little time changed my energy level and my interest in the outdoors . When I got home from work today , I crashed on the couch from the exhaustion from the trip , but after a few hours of vegging out , I was ready for more spring ! Luckily , the weather here in Ohio was cooperating a bit with 61 degree temperatures ( briefly ) . : ) I started by setting the table and chairs up on the deck . Then , getting into it , I cut a vine back off of the deck . I cleaned out the fire pit , started a fire , and burned the trimmings . That was enough for one night , but I am ready for more ! Bring it on spring ! : ) Posted by My family had been out to dinner at Max and Erma 's . We had a great time and we all joked around on the way to the car . I couldn 't have been that old . . . maybe 8 . My little brother was 4 . He was the cutest little kid ! He had REALLY big blonde hair ( my mom could not bring herself to cut his curls ) , big blue eyes and this mole on his perfect white cheek , nose sprinkled with freckles . He almost always wore soccer socks pulled up to his knees . My mom always paid close attention to my brother and his whereabouts because he usually wasn 't where he was supposed to be . I don 't know what happened , but I think she must have been distracted because after we all ( or so we thought ) got in the car and my dad started pulling away , I felt an emptiness in the seat next to me . I looked over to see my brother , white knuckled , holding onto the seat of the car and the car door , legs moving so fast they looked like Flinstone feet ! ! ! His eyes were huge and I could see the fear on his face . I wanted to tell my dad to stop , that Greg was not in the car and that he was running as fast as he could , holding on for dear life ! All I could do was . . . LAUGH ! ! ! ! I tapped my sister , who finally yelled , " DADDY ! ! ! ! ! GREG IS NOT IN THE CAR ! ! ! ! STOP ! ! ! ! ! ! " Thank goodness for my sister and her cool head ! My dad stopped the car . My mom jumped out of the car , swooped Greg into her arms and our baby boy was safe . : ) I want to point out that my entire post is underlined and I am not sure why . There is absolutely no reason other than the fact that I couldn 't make it stop . : ) When I first started teaching shared reading , I was very procedural . I watched another teacher do it in a video and though , " Wow ! That is really cool ! " and I started doing it in my classroom the very next day . I had no idea of the power or the real purpose until much much later . I realized how powerful it was after I learned about the literacy framework that my district uses . Within the framework there are different levels of support . Read aloud is the most supportive , then shared reading and finally guided reading and independent reading . I am a very visual person , so the image of the framework really helped me to think about my teaching and the scaffolding of my students I needed to do . I started to think about what my students need as readers . I asked myself , " What do they have under control ? What can they almost do ? What do they need to learn next ? " I think of the framework as my toolbox , holding all of my valuable teaching tools . I teach by using the teaching and learning model : teach / model / demonstrate , prompt , praise , expect . So , when I combine this with my toolbox , the teaching is very purposeful and powerful . I don 't just do things because they are cute anymore ( well , maybe occasionally ) . I use the tools that I have to move students forward . Vygotsky and his Zone of Proximal Development has been a huge part of the way that I teach too . He believes that we should teach in the zone . That is when the child is able to do it with support . Then you gradually release support as the child becomes ready , creating a new zone . It 's not just a theory to me . It is my teaching life . So . . . on to shared reading . When I think about what my students can do and what I want them to do next , I pick a shared reading piece very carefully . If I can 't find one , then I create one , using the book room books , poems or nonfiction pieces as my mentor text . This isn 't for sissiesDeb Lairson I was a literacy coordinator for 13 years . This meant that I taught , while planning professional development for the teachers in my building . I also presented the professional development . I really enjoyed it for the most part . I was so excited to share my passion for teaching literacy with everyone around me . : ) Teachers often tell me that they don 't know how I know so much ( and I most certainly don 't know it all ) . I usually feel uncomfortable because I don 't want to stand apart from the group . I actually want more than anything to melt into the group some days . I want to be a part of things . I have been thinking about how I do have so much information about reading and writing in my head all the time , just waiting to be tapped into . It has been a process for sure . As I am writing this , I am cringing because I worry that people will perceive that I am tooting my own horn here . I am not . Just reflecting on how I would answer people who ask the question if they had all the time I would need to answer it well . : ) It takes a lot for me to learn anything . Nothing really comes easily and it really never has . I started my journey in rural Ohio . I loved teaching there . I met a lot of great people and I had a lot of opportunities . My first year I taught kindergarten and title reading . I felt really good about what I was doing , but I will tell you right now that I didn 't know anything about how to teach . I knew how to present information , but not the explicit teaching I would later learn how to do . In July before my second year , I got a call that said that there had been a reduction in force and that if I wanted to continue to work I had to go to Reading Recovery training . I had just had my first child and I just wasn 't sure , but after my husband told me that I either go or we 'll be living on the street , I decided to give it a try . I am so glad that I did ! Reading Recovery Training was the first powerful thing I did as an educator . I had a lot of heavy reading to do ( Becoming Literate ) and I was so so tired , but I found tTry new things . Look at the data to see if what you are doing really works . The kids will tell you through their work . That is a guarentee ! If not , shift may need to happen . Oh how I loved to play ghost in the graveyard ! The neighborhood kids and I would make our plans to play while we were baking in the sun at the neighborhood pool . We would all go home for dinner and baths and then we would meet on my front porch . If you have never played , one person is the ghost and runs off to hide while the rest of the group waits on the porch and counts . When the counting is done , everyone goes ghost hunting . Whoever finds the ghost first gets to be it next . We played night after night in the summer , interrupted only by a game of sardines or kick the can . I love remembering this because I can actually conjure the feeling of the warm summer nights , crickets buzzing . . . fireflies flashing . One night , when we were all hunting for the ghost , we were having a particularly hard time finding him . We looked in the trees , under bushes , EVERYWHERE ! Just when we thought that we were NEVER going to find him , a white image came around the corner of the house with an eerie sound . . . . " Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa ! Whooooooooooaaaaaaaaa ! " You have never seen kids scatter and run faster ! I ran around to the front of the house and up the stairs , terrified ! I hid under my bed , listening to the rapid beating of my heart and my own hurried breath . I waited and waited . . . Suddenly I heard my mom 's laughter coming down the hall . She was not just laughing , she was crying , she was laughing so hard ! It was my MOM coming around that corner with a sheet over her head . : ) After I recovered from the fear and then indignation that followed , my mom and I went hand in hand to the neighbors to assure the other children that our yard was in fact NOT haunted . Posted by Honestly , if you really think about everything that has to happen , every baby is a miracle baby . My youngest , loves to hear the story of my pregnancy with her . She asks me to tell it at least once a year . : ) I call her my miracle baby because she almost didn 't make it . I was about 7 weeks pregnant with Abbie when I found out that I was pregnant . Tim ( my husband ) had decided that 2 kids was perfect . We had a boy and a girl and he though that that was good enough . Well , it was , but I always wanted a big family . I just didn 't feel done and I was struggling to accept it . My mom and I were going to a friend 's wedding and I thought that if I was going to drink champagne I wanted to make sure that I wasn 't pregnant . I drove to the drug store and bought 3 ( overkill , I know . . . ) . I did one and then the other and then the other and they were all POSITIVE ! ! ! ! I was so excited that I ran outside to tell my neighbor Mark and locked myself out of my house ! The joy continued throughout my pregnancy , but the challenges were about to begin . One morning I woke up and felt like I had a bladder infection so I went to the urgent care . They said that I was fine , but that my sugar was REALLY high . I didn 't have diabetes so I thought that was strange . I told them that I was pregnant and they had me follow up with my doctor . I had gestational diabetes at only 8 weeks along . The doctor said that this was really early . I could handle that . I saw a dietician and went on a diabetic diet right away . Two days later , I woke up in the middle of the night with a pain under my right rib . I thought it was gas , so I took a warm shower , drank some water , took a malox . I was able to fall asleep after a few hours . When I woke up , I felt a little better , but still had a gassy feeling . This is not uncommon in pregnancy , so I went to work . I distinctly remember working away in my office when a very sharp pain hit . I began to worry that it was the baby . I tried to walk it off and it only got worse . I was doubled over in pain and I called the doctor right awPosted by How Do I Write ? I recently saw a post asking others how they write , where they get their ideas and inspiration . I have been thinking a lot about that and I have to say that I stand on the shoulders of other authors . I have been very blessed to have been a literacy coordinator with the Literacy Collaborative from The Ohio State University . I had excellent training , but still did not really know how to be a writer . To tell you the truth , it took me several times to really buy in to the whole teacher writer belief . I am a firm believer now ! : ) I didn 't become a firm believer until I tried it . I actually wrote and when I did , it 's like my lesson plan pen had a mind of it 's own . I no longer had to labor over what to teach next . I got it ! Writing is a process and when you know the process , you can see so much more clearly what your little writers need , whether they are in kindergarten , or college . So , how do I write ? During my time as a lit coordinator , I had the GREAT pleasure of meeting and learning from and watching Georgia Heard , Katie Wood Ray , Ralph Fletcher , Lester Laminack , Carl Anderson and Tom Romano . Each time I had an opportunity , a little seed was planted . Write . . . Write . . . Write . . . Each time I learned another trick about how to plan your writing . I learned that everything my teachers taught me wasn 't true , with the exception of the conventions and there is freedom even there when you write . Ralph Fletcher taught me to write what matters . That got me about three and a half stories ( of course about my children and my family ) . : ) Then he showed a child how to draw a sketch of the people in his life , the places he had been and the things that he does . I have done this , and I can get hundreds of stories just from the map I made of my neighborhood . Katie Wood Ray emphasized the writer 's notebook . I started one . . . then put it in a drawer . . . then pulled it out . . . I go back to that notebook now and harvest ideas from long ago . Lester Laminack is gifted at sharing stories from his own life . I love listening to him read his books . I love his craft . I use his craft in my own writing . Georgia Heard has to be my all time favorite . For a long time , I wrote poetry . I loved her ideas about looking out the window and really looking . Thinking about things in a different way . I have also read a TON of professional books . I am actually a bit of a book hoarder to tell you the truth . I love to read books by the authors I mentioned above . I will read anything from the Teachers College at Columbia . I loooooove Lucy Calkins and Shelley Harwayne ! I have heard both speak and they are so different and yet so very passionate . My favorite go to methods are without a doubt , sketching people I know . You can list them if you want to , but the picture does so much more for me . I write in my head for a long time before I actually get anything down on paper . My go to place for great thinking is in the shower . I don 't know what it is . . . the white noise or the quiet . . . or maybe the lack of interruptions on a good day or early in the morning . I don 't think I will ever stop using the methods that I have been taught . I almost freeze with the question , " What are you going to write about ? " . I have to slow down , relax , breathe . . . Then I sketch out my thinking and off I go ! I don 't like to revise . I don 't really like having others revise my work either , although I do it because I know that I want children I teach to be open to the input of their audience . It 's waaaaay harder than I thought though ! When I was in he writing project , I had to meet with one of the teachers to go over my piece and to receive feedback . The whole time she was talking I felt a little oppositional . I didn 't want to change anything . I had worked so hard . . . . I did try some different things that she suggested and I left others alone . It was much better after working with her and I am forever grateful for her gentle touch . : ) The point is . . . just write . It doesn 't matter if it 's good enough , long enougDeb Lairson I just had the very fun , wonderful and blessed experience of being a foster mom to two puppies . I only meant to foster one , but when I saw the two little sisters who had been rescued from a kill shelter , I just couldn 't separate them . I brought them both home . I didn 't know what to expect as a foster mom , but I will tell you that it has been an unexpected blessing ! I thought that I was doing something for them when really we were helping each other . They brought me joy , laughter and fun ! : ) Here they are : Megan and Daisy have a forever home now ! They leave tomorrow . I can 't believe how quickly they were adopted ! I have to say that I give so much credit to social networking when it comes to finding a home for these foster puppies . I shared their pictures and my friends shared and their friends shared . . . They go " home " tomorrow . I couldn 't be happier for them ! They are being adopted by a young couple . They really seem like great " kids " ! : ) I am leaving this post feeling so much love for the puppies , for the animal rescue who saved their lives , and for their new family ! : ) Posted by My sister and I shared most of our toys when we were little . There were some toys that did not officially belong to either my sister or me , but we did claim some of them . My sister decided to take a doll I firmly believed belonged to me to school . She wrote the letters SS on the doll . When I saw this , I was really infuriated . I screamed , I cried and then I scrubbed the doll until you could barely see the SS . Then . . . I took the biggest , fattest , darkest marker I could find and I wrote DD . My sister saw those two bold letters and she laughed and laughed ( still laughing to this day ) . I didn 't understand initials yet , so I thought my sister had written SS for Sandie Sandie . Well , that 's how I got the nickname Dumb Debbie . : ) I grew up hearing stories about my mom and her cousins . I LOVED story time ! : ) One of my favorite stories involves my mom , her sister Millie , their cousins Marion Marie and Baby Al . My mom and her sister and her cousins were often up to " no good ' . They didn 't have video games or tv to entertain them so they entertained themselves . One day , they decided to sneak my grandma 's cigarettes out of her purse and have a try themselves . They walked up and over a hill so that they wouldn 't be seen ( or smelled ) by their mothers . When they had smoked all of the cigarettes , they sent Baby Al to get some more . Al promptly walked up over the hill and into the house to tell his mother ( my great aunt ) and my grandma ( Aunt Titter ) that the girls were out of cigarettes and that they would like some more . The grown ups ran to where the girls were and dragged them home , made them sit at the table and smoke cigarette after cigarette until they felt ill . The funniest part is that my mom and Marion Marie both declined when asked if they would like another , but my Auntie Millie said , " Not just now , but maybe a little later . " Posted by I don 't know if we just didn 't listen to our mom or what , but she would often resort to telling us stories to get us to behave . There are many , but I am just going to share a few right now . . . to whet your appetite . : ) The Casey Brown Story : My brother , sister and I often played outside as children . On any given day , you could see us on a big wheel , roller skates , skateboards , plastic stilts , bicycles , you name it ! : ) My mom did not care what we played on , but she REALLY cared that we were wearing shoes while we were doing it . She insisted . Welllll . . . sometimes I didn 't listen very well and would run out of the house in my bare feet . In fact , I usually had bare feet as a child . I hated shoes . My mom would find me wherever I was a bring me home to put shoes on . Flip flops did not count . Boo ! One day , my mom sat me down and told me the Casey Brown story . She told me that a little boy who lived in the neighborhood ( really ) had been on his big wheel without shoes on . She said that he was riding down the big hill by the pool when he lost control . He tried to pull the break and it didn 't work so he put his bare feet down to slow down . Casey lost all of the skin on his feet and had to have bandages for a very long time . He couldn 't play outside and he couldn 't ride his big wheel . I don 't know if this story was true or not , but I can tell you that I most certainly did not ride my bike , big wheel or anything else barefoot ! The Sandman : I am going to admit right up front that I was not a sleeper . I never slept as a baby , a toddler or a young child . I believe that my mom told this out of sheer desperation to get me to sleep so don 't judge too harshly . : ) My mom tucked me into bed every night . It was a very special time because it was usually the only time that I had time alone with her . I can 't remember if she read to me or not , but we would often talk about our day and she would answer the ten million questions that I had generated that particular day . : ) I remember one night when she was tucking me in , she said , " Now you go to sleep or the sandman will get you . " I promptly told her that that was NOT true . She told me that if I put my head on my pillow I could hear his footsteps coming down the hall . Of course I put my head on my pillow , and sure enough , there was the rhythmic sound of the Sandman 's footsteps . I was terrified ! I pulled my blankets up around me ears , pulled my legs up ( lest he pull me out of my bed by my feet ) and shut my eyes as tightly as I could . Even if I couldn 't fall asleep , I was definitely going to look like I was asleep ! Many years later , I realized that the sound of the sandman was actually my own pulse in my ears . LOL Uncle Al : I had a MAJOR problem with playing with car locks when I was little , especially when I was in my grandma 's car with the automatic locks . I loved those things ! Click click . Click click . Over and over . . . Well this bad habit drove my grandma crazy ! I remember one time when we were traveling somewhere around Texas all by ourselves , she was in the front seat and I was in the back seat and she had specifically told me NOT to play with the locks . Hmmm . . . . That just made me think about the locks in an almost obsessive way . It was like having an itch that you can 't scratch not being able to touch them . I just put my hand over the lock at first . " Don 't you touch that , " grandma said sternly . Click click . Click click . Now my grandma 's arm was sweeping the backseat , trying to catch me in the act . So terrifying and exciting at the same time ! Click click . Click click . Her arms swung closer and closer . Click click . Click click . Grandma slammed on the brakes and pulled me out of the car to swat my bottom on the side of the road . You would think that I would learn , but no . . . So this brought on the Uncle Al Story . . . . One day , while my grandfather was driving the cousins home from their grandparents , Uncle Al was playing with the door . Well , he had unlatched the door but didn 't realize it . When grandpa turned a corner , Al 's door flew open and Al began to fall out . Grandpa grabbed his foot and help on or else Al would have fallen out of the car . When grandpa finally was able to stop the car completely , he pulled Al in and his head was full of rocks ( literally ) . I can 't say that I never played with locks again , but I can tell you that that story made me cut waaaaaay back . Well , I am proud to say that I have not told my children terrifying stories to keep them in line , but don 't think for a minute that I haven 't been tempted ! ! ! ! I don 't know about you , but I have been feeling every one of my 42 years lately . : ) I am tired and sore for the most ridiculous reasons . Yesterday a 5th grade boy ( we will call him my favorite ) told me that I am really good with children . That alone was a wonderful compliment and it was very touching . : ) I told him that I have three children of my own so I have had a lot of practice . He gave me an odd look and then went to class . Today , when I went into the cafeteria today , " my favorite " asked me how I have three children . I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought I was 25 and that that was too young for three children . It 's one thing when a kindergartener thinks you are 19 , but another thing when a 5th grader thinks you are 25 . And that , my blogging friends , is why today was a FABULOUS day ! : ) Posted by My mom was an adventurer when I was little . She used to wake us up at 4 in the morning and head out on an adventure ! We drove everywhere . . . California , the Black Hills , Mt . Rushmore , Maryland , Florida , Texas , New York , Niagra Falls . . . It was always so much fun because my mom would see a sign or a billboard and stop at various places just because they looked fun . My mom got this trait honestly because my grandma and my aunt were the same way . They loved to travel at the drop of a hat . On one trip to Texas , my mom , grandma and aunt were sitting around the kitchen table as they often did and they decided that they wanted to take us to New Orleans . I was so excited ! I had never been there before and I couldn 't wait . When I was excited , I was often hard to manage , asking a million questions from the back seat . Because of this , my mom and grandma had me sit on the hump in the middle of the front seat . The windows were open and I got to listen to the ongoing conversation between my mom and her mom . I was actually quite entertained . I sat still with my baby doll in my arms , looking out the window and daydreamed about my imaginary friend , friend giant ( that 's another story ) . My mom and grandma were smoking as they talked , waving their hands around as they always did . My grandma was trying to make a point with her hand gestures and . . . OH NO ! ! ! ! I first noticed the situation when I smelled the strong , terrible smell of burning plastic ! My baby doll 's hair had gotten too close to grandma 's cigarette and it was ON FIRE ! ! ! " Help ! " I screamed . " Help my baby ! ! ! " As soon as my grandma saw my baby doll , she grabbed her and tossed her right out the window ! I crawled into the back seat and watched my burning baby until she became a little dot in the distance , crying the whole way . I never understood how my grandma could throw my baby out the window , but now I smile wondering if I would do the exact same thing . : ) Posted by I absolutely loved to visit my grandparents when I was little . I didn 't get to see them very often since they were in Texas and I lived in Ohio . We made a trip every summer though . It was important to my mom that we knew our grandparents . In between visits , we would talk on the phone often . My brother , sister and I would run to the phone to be the first to answer . My grandpa always teased me , calling himself " bad grandpa " . I would argue with him over and over again , giggling as we played . His special name for me was Stick in the Mud . I didn 't know until years later that he called me that because I was a stubborn little thing . When we drove to Texas we would usually drive until we got there . It was an 18 hour drive . I always slept a lot because my mom told me that it would make the trip go faster ( or maybe because of the dramomine she gave me ) . The excitement would build as we drove down their street . You could almost cut the enthusiasm with a knife . As soon as we pulled into the drive , my brother , sister and I would burst from the van to be the first to knock on the door . Sometimes we tried to trick our grandparents by pretending to sell something , thinking that they surely wouldn 't recognize us after a whole year ! : ) They always played along , followed by exclamations over how much we had grown . We had many traditions in Texas , but my very favorite one was C - A - N - D - Y newspaper . My grandpa LOVED sugar more than anything and he would spell out the word candy , pretending that we were tricking my grandma . The funny thing is that when I was really little , I really thought we were pulling one over on grandma ! Grandpa would tell us to hurry to the car before grandma figured out what we were really doing ! Squeals of delight would follow us out to the car . My grandpa would drive up to the corner store , buy a paper ( our cover ) and let us pick out our favorite candy . It doesn 't sound like a lot , but getting our super secret candy with grandpa was such a treat for my siblings and me . I am glad that I didn 't know grandma knew Deb Lairson I participated in my first full Twitter chat this evening . It was really fun and I was thrilled to have been able to follow along throughout the entire chat . These things just aren 't that easy for me . : ) Not at first anyway . . . Participating in the chat made me remember my time with the Columbus Area Writing Project . If you don 't know what that is , it is a group of teachers who gather together for professional development . The whole idea for me was that I wanted to be a teacher who was a writer so that I could be present as a writer in the classroom . I was going to grow as a teacher and unexpectedly grew as a human being . Up until this experience , I had never been in a group of teachers with different backgrounds . That was very interesting . I was there as a kindergarten teacher and everyone else was ( I think ) 4th grade or higher . That 's the really cool thing about writing . You don 't have to be from the same background or experience for it to be relevant to you . If you really understand that writing is a process and you are ready to look at it at that level , it doesn 't matter who you look at it with . My time with the Columbus Area Writing Project began with a retreat at Kenyon College . Kenyon is in a beautiful setting near Mt . Vernon , Ohio . I was paired up with another woman who quickly became my friend . When our group would meet ( on the 4th floor ) , we met in a large room with a huge table in the middle of the room . We all sat around the table and would talk to those around us . Dave , Robin , Kevin and Melissa were leading our group and they quickly engaged us in writing opportunities that allowed us to get to know each other . This was an experience that was different from anything I had ever experienced . The writing we shared elicited different responses from the audience . Some laughed while others cried . This new group was like an onion and the writing was beginning to peel the layers back to expose something we didn 't even know we had . . . a community of writers or the writer within . For me , it was Gretchen 's story Posted by It had been raining for days and I was absolutely itching to go outside . I typically spent the day , all day , at the pool and the three looooong days of rain and thunderstorms made me feel trapped in my own house ! I was kneeling on the living room sofa , watching each drop of rain slide down the glass when I noticed the sun peaking through the clouds . " Mom ! Mom ! " I called . " The sun is shining ! Can I go to the pool ? " I think that my mom wanted me out of the house just as much as I wanted to go so she of course said yes and off I went . I skipped down the hill to our neighborhood pool , towel over my arm and a smile on my face . As I rounded the corner of the tree line I could hear laughter and splashing . The sounds lured me in , curious . . . As soon as I could see the bridge over the creek , I knew I had to join the fun ! There were several children teetering on the bridge railing over the flooding waters of the creek below . Their shouts of joy sent excitement shooting through my body . I loved the water and I loved adventure ! I heard my mother 's voice in my head warning me of every bad thing that could happen if I jumped . . . I considered turning around or moving along to the pool , but only for a moment . I watched the other children climb up , jump off and yell out in sheer joy ! I saw their heads bobbing through the rapids of this little creek , catching onto a large tree that had fallen during the storms . To get out they had to wrap their arms around the tree , throw a leg up and slide over the moss covered trunk . No problem ! As my turn approached , I became a little nervous . What if I didn 't catch onto the tree ? What if I hit my head on a rock ? What if I got hurt or died ? All of these things were running through my head . I didn 't care though . This looked like so much fun and how likely was it that I would get hurt the first time I tried it , right ? I put my little hands on the top of the rail , hoisting myself onto the ledge . I almost lost my balance one but caught myself . The cheers of the other kids was giving me confidence that I am not sure I would have had on my own . As I watched the swirling , rushing water below , I jumped far and high into the air . I heard in the distance , " DEBRA LEE ! ! ! ! ! ! " Then the water was covering my ears , my eyes , pulling my body downstream faster than I thought it could . I could see the fallen tree , my life raft , only briefly as I swirled around in the brown , murky creek water . Just as I reached the tree , I felt a swift jerk on my shirt and I was suddenly not in the water anymore . My name had been screamed by my mother as she saw her daring , brave , stupid child jump into dangerous , post storm waters with wild abandon . Now I was being pulled from the water with the adrenaline fueled fear of my mother . " What were you thinking ? " she screamed . I was about to answer when I realized that she wasn 't really asking a question . The seat burning spanks started at the creek and continued all the way home . My day in the sun was over . . . . Posted by The Tunnel I grew up in the best neighborhood in the world ! I loved it there ! I was never bored and always managed to find an adventure or two . One of my favorite things to do was to play in the creek . It wasn 't a very big creek , but it was visited by many . I remember venturing either upstream or down , looking for treasures , creatures or just all around fun ! I loved the little water spiders that kept me company on my many adventures . My mom didn 't really like that there was a tunnel at the end of the creek where teenagers hung out . She didn 't want me to go down there and knowing me and my quest for adventure , she has to make me feel like I COULDN " T go down there . : ) She told me that there were holes in the tunnel and that if you fell into one , it was very deep and probably went straight to hell . I guess that I should probably tell you that my mom was raised in a boarding school by nuns . The reference to hell sounds cruel , but it was a big part of my upbringing . I am sure that my mom meant to keep me safe , but this time , the danger of falling into a pit straight to hell wasn 't going to work . : ) My friend and I decided that we were going to see what this forbidden tunnel was all about . It was a very exciting adventure ! We waded in the water , stepping on stones and listening to the calm trickling of the stream as we moved toward our destination . As we entered the tunnel , we noticed that there were many spray painted words and pictures . We stood staring at the entrance in awe . I lived in a suburb , so grafiti wasn 't even a part of my vocabulary . The tunnel was very ominous looking , dark and forbidden . My friend and I eased in , walking slowly and checking under our feet for especially deep looking water . Not far in , we saw a dark black hole of water . . . The hair on the back of my neck stood up and I swear I thought I felt a breeze that hadn 't been there before . Our pace slowed a bit the further we got in . Our steps were more careful . When we were almost to the middle of the tunnel , we saw the scariest painting we had ever seen . It was the head of the devil , staring at us , daring us to go further . . . My friend and I were NOT playing around with that ! We turned and ran all the way home ! We did finally make it to the other side of the tunnel eventually , but it took many many trips down that dark corridor before we finally had the nerve . : ) I just got on my blog after a very long hiatus and reread my last post . The last time I wrote , Emma was leaving for college and Connor was struggling with his illness . It really wasn 't that long ago , but things sure have changed . : ) Connor is doing really really well ! : ) It has been a long road that is certainly not over , but we are in a really good place right now . He is working and going to school , smiling and laughing and pretty much a typical teenager . Some people would cringe at those words . . . " typical teenager " . Not me . I am so so grateful for those words ! You have no idea how lucky you are until you aren 't . I wrote about Emma leaving for college last time too . Well , that has changed too . Emma came home for Christmas break and just didn 't seem like herself . I was really worried . Like any mother would do , I climbed into her bed with her one morning and asked her what was wrong . She wasn 't happy and that broke my heart . I have to say that I would have expected myself to tell her to go back to school and give it another try , but I didn 't . I told her to come home , give herself the gift of time and figure out what her passion for life is . . . I am so glad that I did ! : ) Emma is home and she is thankfully herself again . She just wasn 't ready to leave home yet and that 's ok . I used to teach kindergarten and so many parents are in such a hurry with their children . They want them in kindergarten , moving fast , growing by leaps and bounds . I know a lot of people who have told me that they struggled in reading or in math when they were a kid and you know what ? Each one of them is a very successful , thriving adult . : ) I think it 's ok to slow down and I am so glad I felt comfortable telling my daughter that she should take care of herself , body , mind and spirit . I 'm not going to lie . . . I 'm thrilled that she is home ! Posted by I have three children whom I adore ! I have been teaching for 21 years and feel so often that my adventure has only just begun ! : ) I love that feeling and look forward to learning through reading and writing blogs . I am returning to the classroom this year after coordinating testing and coaching . This truly feels like a breath of fresh air and I look forward to it ! View my complete profile
What has slicing taught me ? I am sure that I will forget something , but I am going to use my slice today to attempt to list many of the great advantages of slicing ( and some of my new learning too ! ) . 1 . Audience - I love to write with and for other people , but rarely write when it 's just for me . It is ESSENTIAL that my students have an audience for their writing . 2 . Feedback is a must ! After writing my post for the day , I would check my inbox to see if anyone had commented on my post . It is so exciting to get feedback from others when you are writing . 3 . Feedback does not always elicit revision . Sometimes feedback is just feedback . You can revise after receiving feedback , but sometimes you just want to enjoy it . 4 . Don 't be too intense about making sure that everyone has walked away with a specific thing each day . I worry about what the take away is with my students and I am pretty hard on myself . I think that for awhile anyway , kids need to write to build community , develop an atmosphere of sharing and giving feedback . They really need to be comfortable and if I am sitting next to them asking them what they learned about writing that day ( or sometimes telling them ) , it can suck the joy out of writing . 5 . You can use any container for any topic . I learned this when I was in the writing project , but really noticed the truth of this statement as I was writing . 6 . Writing is fun ! It doesn 't have to be laborious . 7 . Ralph Fletcher was right all those years ago when he said to write what matters . Those topics tend to flow . 8 . I CAN write for 31 days in a row ! ! ! ! I LOVE TO SLICE ! ! ! : ) Posted by If you didn 't know , today is world bipolar day . It is a day for people with bipolar disorder to tell others about their disorder and their success with that disorder . If you didn 't read my earlier post about my son Connor , you would not know that my son has bipolar disorder . I initially thought about writing a post to Connor , in letter format , as I have seen other slicers do . Then I thought more about it . Bipolar disorder has not just effected Connor . It has effected each of the members of our family in different ways . So here 's to my family and their amazing love for each other . . . To Tim ( my husband ) - I am sorry that Connor has been " sick " for much of his life as I know that neither one of us would choose that for him . Thank you for loving him anyway . Thank you for sticking around because I am sure that there have been times when you wanted to run for the boarder ! : ) This journey would have been so much harder without you by my side . Thank you ! I love you ! To Emma - You have been an amazing big sister to Connor ! You have always been there for him . I remember you trying to calm him down so many times and sometimes you were the only one who could . I wanted to protect you from the bad times , but you wouldn 't let me . You jumped right in and loved your brother no matter what ! I truly believe that God gave you a gift that I have seen in very few others that helps you to be there . You talk him down . You give him a reason to live . You never give up . : ) You have also been there for your baby sister . She was so scared of Connor 's behavior sometimes and you helped to get her out of harms way and you distracted her when she was worried or afraid . I am so sorry that you had to deal with some of the things that you have . I wouldn 't wish the hard times on anyone and I wish I could have made them better for you . I love you very much . You are strong and brave and you have a HUGE loving heart . Thank you for sharing that with your family . To Connor - I am so sorry that your life is not easy , that you have been so sick that you didn 't even want to live anymore . I am very proud of you for sticking it out . I know that you have been in some places that I never could have imagined sending you and for that I am sorry . Your comfort sometimes had to come second to your survival . We have been in some scary places together , but at the end of the day you were always willing to do what you needed to do to get better . I am so grateful for that ! Don 't every stop taking your meds . You need them to survive . It is more than just mood swings for you sweetheart . If you are not on your meds , you are not yourself and it almost always ends in a hospital stay . You need to remember that bipolar disorder to you is what diabetes is to me . We have to take our medicine to stay healthy . You are NOT bipolar disorder . You HAVE bipolar disorder . You can do whatever you want as long as you take care of yourself . I love you ! To Abbie - You were so scared when you were little . I am so sorry that you were . You have so Posted by I don 't go out very often . I usually get everything I need to get done and then shower and watch my recorded shows in the evening . Last night , however , my friend Michelle asked me to go out and I thought , what the heck ? I haven 't been out in forever and it really sounds like fun ! We went to a place called the Bluestone which ironically , used to be a Baptist Church . We didn 't know what to expect , but quickly found out that there was a country concert there . Exciting ! We went in and ordered our first drinks ( one of two for me since I was driving ) and walked around to check things out . The first musician was getting started and so we went onto the dance floor and danced around to the music . Pretty soon , we were talking to the people around us and dancing in a group . It was SO MUCH FUN ! : ) I felt like I was 22 and danced like I was 22 ( nothing like the girls in the video - I was NEVER that cool ) . I raised my glass and hooted and hollered like I was 22 . I 'm not saying that I am going to do this very often , but for right now , I have to tell you how important it is for all of us to make sure that our lives are balanced with work and fun . Don 't spend your life at home . Get out and explore ! It will seriously be good for your spirit ! : ) So as not to mislead you , I will tell you that if you are in your 40 's and you haven 't danced in a REALLY long time , you will NOT feel like you are 22 when you get out of bed the next morning ! LOL Thank goodness I had a scheduled massage today ! : ) I leave you with the song that inspired my title . . . Enjoy and Happy Dancing ! Goodbye Scale ! ! ! I have been trying ( using this loosely ) to lose weight for about 18 years now . When I was young , I was a skinny little thing who could eat EVERYTHING in sight and not bat an eye . I never gained a pound . This lasted all the way through college . Then I got pregnant with my oldest child and I ate so much ! : ) I thought I had a tapeworm before I knew I was pregnant . LOL I lost the weight after E , but then I was pregnant with C by the time E was one . Whew ! I was crazy hungry again . . . I tried to have self control , but it was an epic fail . One day I ate a WHOLE box of turtles ( and slept for 2 1 / 2 hours after ) . Bad choice , but anyway . . . I gained ten pounds less with C than with E . I thought that was better , but the doctor was not as enthusiastic . I lost most of the weight after C . When I trained to be a literacy coordinator , I worked long hours and ate at odd times . . . lots of fast food . I stress ate and ate when I was bored , happy , sad . . . I ate my feelings and found a new all time high on the scale . I was actually thinner when I was pregnant with A because of gestational diabetes than before I was pregnant . The scale became something that I would step on time after time after time , worrying that what I saw would disappoint me . It did . . . I would lose , gain , lose , gain . . . So now I am training for a triathalon . I am not doing it alone . I am the swimmer . My sister is biking and my brother is running . I have not weighed myself in awhile . I refuse to . I go to the gym at least three days a week . I work out for 20 minutes , lift weights and swim for about 45 minutes . I feel good . I 'm stronger and I have more energy . I do like to see progress though , so instead of weighing myself , I am measuring myself and the inches are coming off . : ) It 's exciting ! I can see the bones in my feet , the muscle that runs along the front of my calf , and I can feel my jaw . I am starting to feel the difference in my clothes . I even went down a dress size ! ! ! : ) This is it for me . I am not working out to lost weight . I am doing it becauseDeb Lairson I have a strength and a curse . I am very visual . By that I mean that I don 't know what I want until I see it . If I hang something in my house or lay a rug down or place jars on the counter and it doesn 't look right , I will mess with it until it does . It could drive other people crazy ! I have learned to just accept it , but it can be a pain sometimes . Let 's talk about my winter wreath . . . I wanted more than just burlap and white so I added a little blue . I put together and took apart the wreath at least 5 times . I finally gave up and hung it on my front door . I thought about that wreath every time I drove up to my house or left my house . I couldn 't stand it . It didn 't look right . I was very proud of myself because I didn 't take it down , but I was thrilled to death when Ash Wednesday came around and I could put my Easter wreath out . Right now I am trying to figure out how to create a wall of pictures . Here I go again . . . I have tried the frames many different ways and each time I do , something is just not right , but I don 't know how to fix it . So here I go again . . . : ) Posted by My son Connor has never been " normal " . He has been fabulous , wonderful , loving , kind , caring , smart , funny , and a wonderful human being all around . He was born with bipolar disorder . Now , he was not diagnosed at birth , but from the get go , he was symptomatically bipolar . I didn 't know this when he was litttle , but when I was reading about it later on , his infancy was pretty typical for one with a mood disorder . Connor NEVER stopped crying unless I was holding him close to my body . He cried every time I put him down . He cried when his dad was holding him . He cried when he had a bath . This teeny tiny little person was anxious from the time he came out of the womb . He only felt comfort when in my arms , swaddled in a blanket and close to my neck . I loved it when he was little . He just seemed like a little cuddle bug . I quickly adapted by carrying him around in a snuggly . He was close to my body and I had my hands free . This was very important since I also had a one and a half year old little girl , my sweet Emma . Just breathe . . . As Connor got older , he seemed ok . He didn 't want to be away from me , but I just thought he was shy . He cried really hard when I left ( for four hours sometimes ) , but everyone went through separation anxiety , right ? My friend Michelle took her daughter to the same daycare I took Connor to , ( Emma went to a sitter who used to have Connor , but she couldn 't handle him ) . She came to me one day and said , " Have you every looked into Connor 's mental health ? I think he has bipolar . " WHAT ? ! ? Noooooo . . . . . I had never even thought about that . I was a teacher and I knew all about behavior modification , right ? I thought I could just teach him to make better choices . Just breathe . . . Connor continued to concern me , but it wasn 't until he was 6 that I was really willing to consider that something was definitely not right . Every night , Connor would go into a rage when I told him that it was time for bed . He did not handle doing anything that he didn 't really want to do well at all . I would hold him tightly while he raged on , until he would go limp in my arms , crying , " I 'm so sorry mommy . I don 't mean to . " Just breathe . . . My husband and I decided to take Connor to the doctor . He was diagnosed with bipolar type two with psychosis ( did I mention he was hearing voices ? ) . Initially , I thought that it would all be ok . That Connor could do anything that he set his mind to . Then we started trying meds . Oy ! That was NOT fun ! Connor tried so many meds in the first month after his diagnosis and there were so many different side effects . I remember when he tried one of the meds , my mother - in - law was over and Connor started laughing hysterically , rolling on the floor , scratching himself . I was trying not to appear too concerned as to not scare my mother - in - law . I called the doctor who said that I needed to stop the med . I looked over at my mother - in - law and she was sitting on the couch , looking at Connor , tears rolling down her cheeks . I had already been in the throws of this illness for long enough that I had forgotten what it looked like to others . Just breathe . . . We ended up putting Connor in the hospital . I felt like I couldn 't manage the many different side effects on my own . I had my third child by this time and she ( Abbie ) was only a year old . Getting your child into an inpatient facility is a horrific experience . I took Connor to the ER ( only way to get in ) , sat in a padded room ( where they put all mental health patients ) for over eight hours before anyone came to talk to us . Hungry and discouraged , I admitted Connor into the facility with great trepidation . I was leaving him there with other kids up to 18 years old . He was only 8 . . . Just breathe . . . Even though the hospital was hard , it was the answer to our prayers that we needed . Connor was put on a cocktail of different meds that took the voices away and made his rages disappear . The bad thing was that he now had a flat affect . I was assured that this would get better over time . I felt like I had lost my child and that I was choosing to keep him that way every time I gave him a dose of his medicine . It was devastating . I did a lot of praying and a lot of crying . I was very brave all day and then , when the children were all asleep , I would go to the basement , listen to Michael W . Smith 's song He 's My Son and I would cry . I didn 't have the words to pray sometimes to Michael did it for me . Just breathe . . . For 5 years , things were good . Connor went to the therapist every week and the psychologist every month . He was listening well and learning at school again . Whew ! I knew that this would not last forever , but I sure was grateful that it was lasting as long as it did . When Connor went into the 6th grade , he developed very significant anxiety . He had always been anxious , but managed to do everything he needed to do . Connor began to struggle going to school . He was worried that someone would throw up near him and that he would get sick . Flu season was definitely the worse . Connor refused to go to school and began to refuse to go to the psychiatrist . He was anxious about everything . For years we tried to figure out why he was anxious , but we couldn 't . That is why it is called generalized anxiety . Duh ! Just breathe . . . We spent the next 4 years , trying to get Connor to go to school . We dragged him there , dropped him off kicking and screaming , called the sherriff . Connor only escalated . He began to threaten to kill himself . He also began to rage again . Back to the hospital . . . Just breathe . . . Connor was in and out of the hospital through the beginning of 11th grade . He escalated to threatening me . I had to press charges . It was the hardest day of my life . It was the best thing that I have ever done . Connor was on probation for his behavior . He went back to the hospital to get his lithium level back up since he had stopped taking his meds . He finally decided that he wanted to do well . He wanted to stop fighting and start living . I 'm not going to say that this has been a walk in the park , but he is doing well right now . He is still going to the psychiatrist monthly but we are taking a break from counseling . Connor had therapy two days a week for two years and had become dependent upon the prompting of therapists . I told him that he needed to take on his learning himself . I told him that we would go back to counseling if he needed that level of support again . He knows that it is there if he needs it . Just breathe . . . Mental illness is a life sentence . There is no cure . I can tell you that through this experience , you really find out who your real friends are . You know who they are because they are the ones who look out for you and your other children . They come and take your 9 and 1 year old daughters out for a little fun while you deal with the side effects , doctor appointments and overall terror you are feeling , fearing for your child 's life . There were some days when I didn 't know if Connor would run away , jump out of a moving car , take pills , cut himself , or try to strangle or suffocate himself . It was scary stuff . Your real friends hold you while you cry , meet you at the hospital or show up at your door with dinner because they know you don 't have the energy to cook . We have been through some scary stuff with our little guy , but I have to say that the one thing I always remember is that God has a plan for my son and that plan does not involve being overcome by this mental illness . Connor 's illness has helped a lot of people to learn and grow . It has made me an advocate for the mentally ill . I hope anDeb Lairson When I was growing up , we had a laundry chute in the house that went from the second floor hallway into the laundry room downstairs . We always loved to throw our clothes down the chute , which was a brilliant way for my mom to get us to clean up after ourselves . : ) Eventually my brother , sister and I got the idea that the chute could be used for fun ! We started with our stuffed animals . One of us would go downstairs and open the cabinet door that the chute was built into and the other one would stand upstairs and yell , " Ready ? " That quickly turned into putting our Adventure People ( remember those ? ) on a string and helping them to " scale " the mountain that was the chute . That turned into , " Hey ! What if we went down the chute ? " I think that it may have been my idea originally , but it was quickly accepted by my brother and sister . Since Greg was the smallest at the time , we decided that we would start with him . It looked like it was going to be a piece of cake until . . . he was holding on to the outside of the chute , legs dangling toward the first floor . We thought it might not be such a good idea . . . We decided to pull him out , but he wouldn 't come out as easily as he had gone in . I decided that I was going to go downstairs to catch him . I opened the cabinet door , threw all of the dirty clothes on the floor and put myself into the shoot to reach up to my brother . I didn 't think it was going to work because I could hear my sister saying , " Just let go " to my brother 's " NOOOOOO " . : ) I reached up and grabbed his little foot and gave a tug . I told him I was right there and I wouldn 't let him fall . I hear the telltale sound of him sliding his little body through the chute . I didn 't anticipate a curve in the chute , but no worries ! I grabbed his little foot and PULLED ! He slid down the chute and out into the cabinet . It 's funny . . . That was quite an adventure for the three of us as we laughed and prayed that we would get Greg out before our parents came home , but we never spoke of it again . Posted by My daughter Emma and I traveled to South Carolina on Wednesday for her best friend 's graduation from basic training . It was a whirlwind trip , lasting only two days . We were in South Carolina long enough to get my first taste of spring ! It is amazing how just that little time changed my energy level and my interest in the outdoors . When I got home from work today , I crashed on the couch from the exhaustion from the trip , but after a few hours of vegging out , I was ready for more spring ! Luckily , the weather here in Ohio was cooperating a bit with 61 degree temperatures ( briefly ) . : ) I started by setting the table and chairs up on the deck . Then , getting into it , I cut a vine back off of the deck . I cleaned out the fire pit , started a fire , and burned the trimmings . That was enough for one night , but I am ready for more ! Bring it on spring ! : ) Posted by My family had been out to dinner at Max and Erma 's . We had a great time and we all joked around on the way to the car . I couldn 't have been that old . . . maybe 8 . My little brother was 4 . He was the cutest little kid ! He had REALLY big blonde hair ( my mom could not bring herself to cut his curls ) , big blue eyes and this mole on his perfect white cheek , nose sprinkled with freckles . He almost always wore soccer socks pulled up to his knees . My mom always paid close attention to my brother and his whereabouts because he usually wasn 't where he was supposed to be . I don 't know what happened , but I think she must have been distracted because after we all ( or so we thought ) got in the car and my dad started pulling away , I felt an emptiness in the seat next to me . I looked over to see my brother , white knuckled , holding onto the seat of the car and the car door , legs moving so fast they looked like Flinstone feet ! ! ! His eyes were huge and I could see the fear on his face . I wanted to tell my dad to stop , that Greg was not in the car and that he was running as fast as he could , holding on for dear life ! All I could do was . . . LAUGH ! ! ! ! I tapped my sister , who finally yelled , " DADDY ! ! ! ! ! GREG IS NOT IN THE CAR ! ! ! ! STOP ! ! ! ! ! ! " Thank goodness for my sister and her cool head ! My dad stopped the car . My mom jumped out of the car , swooped Greg into her arms and our baby boy was safe . : ) I want to point out that my entire post is underlined and I am not sure why . There is absolutely no reason other than the fact that I couldn 't make it stop . : ) When I first started teaching shared reading , I was very procedural . I watched another teacher do it in a video and though , " Wow ! That is really cool ! " and I started doing it in my classroom the very next day . I had no idea of the power or the real purpose until much much later . I realized how powerful it was after I learned about the literacy framework that my district uses . Within the framework there are different levels of support . Read aloud is the most supportive , then shared reading and finally guided reading and independent reading . I am a very visual person , so the image of the framework really helped me to think about my teaching and the scaffolding of my students I needed to do . I started to think about what my students need as readers . I asked myself , " What do they have under control ? What can they almost do ? What do they need to learn next ? " I think of the framework as my toolbox , holding all of my valuable teaching tools . I teach by using the teaching and learning model : teach / model / demonstrate , prompt , praise , expect . So , when I combine this with my toolbox , the teaching is very purposeful and powerful . I don 't just do things because they are cute anymore ( well , maybe occasionally ) . I use the tools that I have to move students forward . Vygotsky and his Zone of Proximal Development has been a huge part of the way that I teach too . He believes that we should teach in the zone . That is when the child is able to do it with support . Then you gradually release support as the child becomes ready , creating a new zone . It 's not just a theory to me . It is my teaching life . So . . . on to shared reading . When I think about what my students can do and what I want them to do next , I pick a shared reading piece very carefully . If I can 't find one , then I create one , using the book room books , poems or nonfiction pieces as my mentor text . This isn 't for sissiesDeb Lairson I was a literacy coordinator for 13 years . This meant that I taught , while planning professional development for the teachers in my building . I also presented the professional development . I really enjoyed it for the most part . I was so excited to share my passion for teaching literacy with everyone around me . : ) Teachers often tell me that they don 't know how I know so much ( and I most certainly don 't know it all ) . I usually feel uncomfortable because I don 't want to stand apart from the group . I actually want more than anything to melt into the group some days . I want to be a part of things . I have been thinking about how I do have so much information about reading and writing in my head all the time , just waiting to be tapped into . It has been a process for sure . As I am writing this , I am cringing because I worry that people will perceive that I am tooting my own horn here . I am not . Just reflecting on how I would answer people who ask the question if they had all the time I would need to answer it well . : ) It takes a lot for me to learn anything . Nothing really comes easily and it really never has . I started my journey in rural Ohio . I loved teaching there . I met a lot of great people and I had a lot of opportunities . My first year I taught kindergarten and title reading . I felt really good about what I was doing , but I will tell you right now that I didn 't know anything about how to teach . I knew how to present information , but not the explicit teaching I would later learn how to do . In July before my second year , I got a call that said that there had been a reduction in force and that if I wanted to continue to work I had to go to Reading Recovery training . I had just had my first child and I just wasn 't sure , but after my husband told me that I either go or we 'll be living on the street , I decided to give it a try . I am so glad that I did ! Reading Recovery Training was the first powerful thing I did as an educator . I had a lot of heavy reading to do ( Becoming Literate ) and I was so so tired , but I found tTry new things . Look at the data to see if what you are doing really works . The kids will tell you through their work . That is a guarentee ! If not , shift may need to happen . Oh how I loved to play ghost in the graveyard ! The neighborhood kids and I would make our plans to play while we were baking in the sun at the neighborhood pool . We would all go home for dinner and baths and then we would meet on my front porch . If you have never played , one person is the ghost and runs off to hide while the rest of the group waits on the porch and counts . When the counting is done , everyone goes ghost hunting . Whoever finds the ghost first gets to be it next . We played night after night in the summer , interrupted only by a game of sardines or kick the can . I love remembering this because I can actually conjure the feeling of the warm summer nights , crickets buzzing . . . fireflies flashing . One night , when we were all hunting for the ghost , we were having a particularly hard time finding him . We looked in the trees , under bushes , EVERYWHERE ! Just when we thought that we were NEVER going to find him , a white image came around the corner of the house with an eerie sound . . . . " Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa ! Whooooooooooaaaaaaaaa ! " You have never seen kids scatter and run faster ! I ran around to the front of the house and up the stairs , terrified ! I hid under my bed , listening to the rapid beating of my heart and my own hurried breath . I waited and waited . . . Suddenly I heard my mom 's laughter coming down the hall . She was not just laughing , she was crying , she was laughing so hard ! It was my MOM coming around that corner with a sheet over her head . : ) After I recovered from the fear and then indignation that followed , my mom and I went hand in hand to the neighbors to assure the other children that our yard was in fact NOT haunted . Posted by Honestly , if you really think about everything that has to happen , every baby is a miracle baby . My youngest , loves to hear the story of my pregnancy with her . She asks me to tell it at least once a year . : ) I call her my miracle baby because she almost didn 't make it . I was about 7 weeks pregnant with Abbie when I found out that I was pregnant . Tim ( my husband ) had decided that 2 kids was perfect . We had a boy and a girl and he though that that was good enough . Well , it was , but I always wanted a big family . I just didn 't feel done and I was struggling to accept it . My mom and I were going to a friend 's wedding and I thought that if I was going to drink champagne I wanted to make sure that I wasn 't pregnant . I drove to the drug store and bought 3 ( overkill , I know . . . ) . I did one and then the other and then the other and they were all POSITIVE ! ! ! ! I was so excited that I ran outside to tell my neighbor Mark and locked myself out of my house ! The joy continued throughout my pregnancy , but the challenges were about to begin . One morning I woke up and felt like I had a bladder infection so I went to the urgent care . They said that I was fine , but that my sugar was REALLY high . I didn 't have diabetes so I thought that was strange . I told them that I was pregnant and they had me follow up with my doctor . I had gestational diabetes at only 8 weeks along . The doctor said that this was really early . I could handle that . I saw a dietician and went on a diabetic diet right away . Two days later , I woke up in the middle of the night with a pain under my right rib . I thought it was gas , so I took a warm shower , drank some water , took a malox . I was able to fall asleep after a few hours . When I woke up , I felt a little better , but still had a gassy feeling . This is not uncommon in pregnancy , so I went to work . I distinctly remember working away in my office when a very sharp pain hit . I began to worry that it was the baby . I tried to walk it off and it only got worse . I was doubled over in pain and I called the doctor right awPosted by How Do I Write ? I recently saw a post asking others how they write , where they get their ideas and inspiration . I have been thinking a lot about that and I have to say that I stand on the shoulders of other authors . I have been very blessed to have been a literacy coordinator with the Literacy Collaborative from The Ohio State University . I had excellent training , but still did not really know how to be a writer . To tell you the truth , it took me several times to really buy in to the whole teacher writer belief . I am a firm believer now ! : ) I didn 't become a firm believer until I tried it . I actually wrote and when I did , it 's like my lesson plan pen had a mind of it 's own . I no longer had to labor over what to teach next . I got it ! Writing is a process and when you know the process , you can see so much more clearly what your little writers need , whether they are in kindergarten , or college . So , how do I write ? During my time as a lit coordinator , I had the GREAT pleasure of meeting and learning from and watching Georgia Heard , Katie Wood Ray , Ralph Fletcher , Lester Laminack , Carl Anderson and Tom Romano . Each time I had an opportunity , a little seed was planted . Write . . . Write . . . Write . . . Each time I learned another trick about how to plan your writing . I learned that everything my teachers taught me wasn 't true , with the exception of the conventions and there is freedom even there when you write . Ralph Fletcher taught me to write what matters . That got me about three and a half stories ( of course about my children and my family ) . : ) Then he showed a child how to draw a sketch of the people in his life , the places he had been and the things that he does . I have done this , and I can get hundreds of stories just from the map I made of my neighborhood . Katie Wood Ray emphasized the writer 's notebook . I started one . . . then put it in a drawer . . . then pulled it out . . . I go back to that notebook now and harvest ideas from long ago . Lester Laminack is gifted at sharing stories from his own life . I love listening to him read his books . I love his craft . I use his craft in my own writing . Georgia Heard has to be my all time favorite . For a long time , I wrote poetry . I loved her ideas about looking out the window and really looking . Thinking about things in a different way . I have also read a TON of professional books . I am actually a bit of a book hoarder to tell you the truth . I love to read books by the authors I mentioned above . I will read anything from the Teachers College at Columbia . I loooooove Lucy Calkins and Shelley Harwayne ! I have heard both speak and they are so different and yet so very passionate . My favorite go to methods are without a doubt , sketching people I know . You can list them if you want to , but the picture does so much more for me . I write in my head for a long time before I actually get anything down on paper . My go to place for great thinking is in the shower . I don 't know what it is . . . the white noise or the quiet . . . or maybe the lack of interruptions on a good day or early in the morning . I don 't think I will ever stop using the methods that I have been taught . I almost freeze with the question , " What are you going to write about ? " . I have to slow down , relax , breathe . . . Then I sketch out my thinking and off I go ! I don 't like to revise . I don 't really like having others revise my work either , although I do it because I know that I want children I teach to be open to the input of their audience . It 's waaaaay harder than I thought though ! When I was in he writing project , I had to meet with one of the teachers to go over my piece and to receive feedback . The whole time she was talking I felt a little oppositional . I didn 't want to change anything . I had worked so hard . . . . I did try some different things that she suggested and I left others alone . It was much better after working with her and I am forever grateful for her gentle touch . : ) The point is . . . just write . It doesn 't matter if it 's good enough , long enougDeb Lairson I just had the very fun , wonderful and blessed experience of being a foster mom to two puppies . I only meant to foster one , but when I saw the two little sisters who had been rescued from a kill shelter , I just couldn 't separate them . I brought them both home . I didn 't know what to expect as a foster mom , but I will tell you that it has been an unexpected blessing ! I thought that I was doing something for them when really we were helping each other . They brought me joy , laughter and fun ! : ) Here they are : Megan and Daisy have a forever home now ! They leave tomorrow . I can 't believe how quickly they were adopted ! I have to say that I give so much credit to social networking when it comes to finding a home for these foster puppies . I shared their pictures and my friends shared and their friends shared . . . They go " home " tomorrow . I couldn 't be happier for them ! They are being adopted by a young couple . They really seem like great " kids " ! : ) I am leaving this post feeling so much love for the puppies , for the animal rescue who saved their lives , and for their new family ! : ) Posted by My sister and I shared most of our toys when we were little . There were some toys that did not officially belong to either my sister or me , but we did claim some of them . My sister decided to take a doll I firmly believed belonged to me to school . She wrote the letters SS on the doll . When I saw this , I was really infuriated . I screamed , I cried and then I scrubbed the doll until you could barely see the SS . Then . . . I took the biggest , fattest , darkest marker I could find and I wrote DD . My sister saw those two bold letters and she laughed and laughed ( still laughing to this day ) . I didn 't understand initials yet , so I thought my sister had written SS for Sandie Sandie . Well , that 's how I got the nickname Dumb Debbie . : ) I grew up hearing stories about my mom and her cousins . I LOVED story time ! : ) One of my favorite stories involves my mom , her sister Millie , their cousins Marion Marie and Baby Al . My mom and her sister and her cousins were often up to " no good ' . They didn 't have video games or tv to entertain them so they entertained themselves . One day , they decided to sneak my grandma 's cigarettes out of her purse and have a try themselves . They walked up and over a hill so that they wouldn 't be seen ( or smelled ) by their mothers . When they had smoked all of the cigarettes , they sent Baby Al to get some more . Al promptly walked up over the hill and into the house to tell his mother ( my great aunt ) and my grandma ( Aunt Titter ) that the girls were out of cigarettes and that they would like some more . The grown ups ran to where the girls were and dragged them home , made them sit at the table and smoke cigarette after cigarette until they felt ill . The funniest part is that my mom and Marion Marie both declined when asked if they would like another , but my Auntie Millie said , " Not just now , but maybe a little later . " Posted by I don 't know if we just didn 't listen to our mom or what , but she would often resort to telling us stories to get us to behave . There are many , but I am just going to share a few right now . . . to whet your appetite . : ) The Casey Brown Story : My brother , sister and I often played outside as children . On any given day , you could see us on a big wheel , roller skates , skateboards , plastic stilts , bicycles , you name it ! : ) My mom did not care what we played on , but she REALLY cared that we were wearing shoes while we were doing it . She insisted . Welllll . . . sometimes I didn 't listen very well and would run out of the house in my bare feet . In fact , I usually had bare feet as a child . I hated shoes . My mom would find me wherever I was a bring me home to put shoes on . Flip flops did not count . Boo ! One day , my mom sat me down and told me the Casey Brown story . She told me that a little boy who lived in the neighborhood ( really ) had been on his big wheel without shoes on . She said that he was riding down the big hill by the pool when he lost control . He tried to pull the break and it didn 't work so he put his bare feet down to slow down . Casey lost all of the skin on his feet and had to have bandages for a very long time . He couldn 't play outside and he couldn 't ride his big wheel . I don 't know if this story was true or not , but I can tell you that I most certainly did not ride my bike , big wheel or anything else barefoot ! The Sandman : I am going to admit right up front that I was not a sleeper . I never slept as a baby , a toddler or a young child . I believe that my mom told this out of sheer desperation to get me to sleep so don 't judge too harshly . : ) My mom tucked me into bed every night . It was a very special time because it was usually the only time that I had time alone with her . I can 't remember if she read to me or not , but we would often talk about our day and she would answer the ten million questions that I had generated that particular day . : ) I remember one night when she was tucking me in , she said , " Now you go to sleep or the sandman will get you . " I promptly told her that that was NOT true . She told me that if I put my head on my pillow I could hear his footsteps coming down the hall . Of course I put my head on my pillow , and sure enough , there was the rhythmic sound of the Sandman 's footsteps . I was terrified ! I pulled my blankets up around me ears , pulled my legs up ( lest he pull me out of my bed by my feet ) and shut my eyes as tightly as I could . Even if I couldn 't fall asleep , I was definitely going to look like I was asleep ! Many years later , I realized that the sound of the sandman was actually my own pulse in my ears . LOL Uncle Al : I had a MAJOR problem with playing with car locks when I was little , especially when I was in my grandma 's car with the automatic locks . I loved those things ! Click click . Click click . Over and over . . . Well this bad habit drove my grandma crazy ! I remember one time when we were traveling somewhere around Texas all by ourselves , she was in the front seat and I was in the back seat and she had specifically told me NOT to play with the locks . Hmmm . . . . That just made me think about the locks in an almost obsessive way . It was like having an itch that you can 't scratch not being able to touch them . I just put my hand over the lock at first . " Don 't you touch that , " grandma said sternly . Click click . Click click . Now my grandma 's arm was sweeping the backseat , trying to catch me in the act . So terrifying and exciting at the same time ! Click click . Click click . Her arms swung closer and closer . Click click . Click click . Grandma slammed on the brakes and pulled me out of the car to swat my bottom on the side of the road . You would think that I would learn , but no . . . So this brought on the Uncle Al Story . . . . One day , while my grandfather was driving the cousins home from their grandparents , Uncle Al was playing with the door . Well , he had unlatched the door but didn 't realize it . When grandpa turned a corner , Al 's door flew open and Al began to fall out . Grandpa grabbed his foot and help on or else Al would have fallen out of the car . When grandpa finally was able to stop the car completely , he pulled Al in and his head was full of rocks ( literally ) . I can 't say that I never played with locks again , but I can tell you that that story made me cut waaaaaay back . Well , I am proud to say that I have not told my children terrifying stories to keep them in line , but don 't think for a minute that I haven 't been tempted ! ! ! ! I don 't know about you , but I have been feeling every one of my 42 years lately . : ) I am tired and sore for the most ridiculous reasons . Yesterday a 5th grade boy ( we will call him my favorite ) told me that I am really good with children . That alone was a wonderful compliment and it was very touching . : ) I told him that I have three children of my own so I have had a lot of practice . He gave me an odd look and then went to class . Today , when I went into the cafeteria today , " my favorite " asked me how I have three children . I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought I was 25 and that that was too young for three children . It 's one thing when a kindergartener thinks you are 19 , but another thing when a 5th grader thinks you are 25 . And that , my blogging friends , is why today was a FABULOUS day ! : ) Posted by My mom was an adventurer when I was little . She used to wake us up at 4 in the morning and head out on an adventure ! We drove everywhere . . . California , the Black Hills , Mt . Rushmore , Maryland , Florida , Texas , New York , Niagra Falls . . . It was always so much fun because my mom would see a sign or a billboard and stop at various places just because they looked fun . My mom got this trait honestly because my grandma and my aunt were the same way . They loved to travel at the drop of a hat . On one trip to Texas , my mom , grandma and aunt were sitting around the kitchen table as they often did and they decided that they wanted to take us to New Orleans . I was so excited ! I had never been there before and I couldn 't wait . When I was excited , I was often hard to manage , asking a million questions from the back seat . Because of this , my mom and grandma had me sit on the hump in the middle of the front seat . The windows were open and I got to listen to the ongoing conversation between my mom and her mom . I was actually quite entertained . I sat still with my baby doll in my arms , looking out the window and daydreamed about my imaginary friend , friend giant ( that 's another story ) . My mom and grandma were smoking as they talked , waving their hands around as they always did . My grandma was trying to make a point with her hand gestures and . . . OH NO ! ! ! ! I first noticed the situation when I smelled the strong , terrible smell of burning plastic ! My baby doll 's hair had gotten too close to grandma 's cigarette and it was ON FIRE ! ! ! " Help ! " I screamed . " Help my baby ! ! ! " As soon as my grandma saw my baby doll , she grabbed her and tossed her right out the window ! I crawled into the back seat and watched my burning baby until she became a little dot in the distance , crying the whole way . I never understood how my grandma could throw my baby out the window , but now I smile wondering if I would do the exact same thing . : ) Posted by I absolutely loved to visit my grandparents when I was little . I didn 't get to see them very often since they were in Texas and I lived in Ohio . We made a trip every summer though . It was important to my mom that we knew our grandparents . In between visits , we would talk on the phone often . My brother , sister and I would run to the phone to be the first to answer . My grandpa always teased me , calling himself " bad grandpa " . I would argue with him over and over again , giggling as we played . His special name for me was Stick in the Mud . I didn 't know until years later that he called me that because I was a stubborn little thing . When we drove to Texas we would usually drive until we got there . It was an 18 hour drive . I always slept a lot because my mom told me that it would make the trip go faster ( or maybe because of the dramomine she gave me ) . The excitement would build as we drove down their street . You could almost cut the enthusiasm with a knife . As soon as we pulled into the drive , my brother , sister and I would burst from the van to be the first to knock on the door . Sometimes we tried to trick our grandparents by pretending to sell something , thinking that they surely wouldn 't recognize us after a whole year ! : ) They always played along , followed by exclamations over how much we had grown . We had many traditions in Texas , but my very favorite one was C - A - N - D - Y newspaper . My grandpa LOVED sugar more than anything and he would spell out the word candy , pretending that we were tricking my grandma . The funny thing is that when I was really little , I really thought we were pulling one over on grandma ! Grandpa would tell us to hurry to the car before grandma figured out what we were really doing ! Squeals of delight would follow us out to the car . My grandpa would drive up to the corner store , buy a paper ( our cover ) and let us pick out our favorite candy . It doesn 't sound like a lot , but getting our super secret candy with grandpa was such a treat for my siblings and me . I am glad that I didn 't know grandma knew Deb Lairson I participated in my first full Twitter chat this evening . It was really fun and I was thrilled to have been able to follow along throughout the entire chat . These things just aren 't that easy for me . : ) Not at first anyway . . . Participating in the chat made me remember my time with the Columbus Area Writing Project . If you don 't know what that is , it is a group of teachers who gather together for professional development . The whole idea for me was that I wanted to be a teacher who was a writer so that I could be present as a writer in the classroom . I was going to grow as a teacher and unexpectedly grew as a human being . Up until this experience , I had never been in a group of teachers with different backgrounds . That was very interesting . I was there as a kindergarten teacher and everyone else was ( I think ) 4th grade or higher . That 's the really cool thing about writing . You don 't have to be from the same background or experience for it to be relevant to you . If you really understand that writing is a process and you are ready to look at it at that level , it doesn 't matter who you look at it with . My time with the Columbus Area Writing Project began with a retreat at Kenyon College . Kenyon is in a beautiful setting near Mt . Vernon , Ohio . I was paired up with another woman who quickly became my friend . When our group would meet ( on the 4th floor ) , we met in a large room with a huge table in the middle of the room . We all sat around the table and would talk to those around us . Dave , Robin , Kevin and Melissa were leading our group and they quickly engaged us in writing opportunities that allowed us to get to know each other . This was an experience that was different from anything I had ever experienced . The writing we shared elicited different responses from the audience . Some laughed while others cried . This new group was like an onion and the writing was beginning to peel the layers back to expose something we didn 't even know we had . . . a community of writers or the writer within . For me , it was Gretchen 's story Posted by It had been raining for days and I was absolutely itching to go outside . I typically spent the day , all day , at the pool and the three looooong days of rain and thunderstorms made me feel trapped in my own house ! I was kneeling on the living room sofa , watching each drop of rain slide down the glass when I noticed the sun peaking through the clouds . " Mom ! Mom ! " I called . " The sun is shining ! Can I go to the pool ? " I think that my mom wanted me out of the house just as much as I wanted to go so she of course said yes and off I went . I skipped down the hill to our neighborhood pool , towel over my arm and a smile on my face . As I rounded the corner of the tree line I could hear laughter and splashing . The sounds lured me in , curious . . . As soon as I could see the bridge over the creek , I knew I had to join the fun ! There were several children teetering on the bridge railing over the flooding waters of the creek below . Their shouts of joy sent excitement shooting through my body . I loved the water and I loved adventure ! I heard my mother 's voice in my head warning me of every bad thing that could happen if I jumped . . . I considered turning around or moving along to the pool , but only for a moment . I watched the other children climb up , jump off and yell out in sheer joy ! I saw their heads bobbing through the rapids of this little creek , catching onto a large tree that had fallen during the storms . To get out they had to wrap their arms around the tree , throw a leg up and slide over the moss covered trunk . No problem ! As my turn approached , I became a little nervous . What if I didn 't catch onto the tree ? What if I hit my head on a rock ? What if I got hurt or died ? All of these things were running through my head . I didn 't care though . This looked like so much fun and how likely was it that I would get hurt the first time I tried it , right ? I put my little hands on the top of the rail , hoisting myself onto the ledge . I almost lost my balance one but caught myself . The cheers of the other kids was giving me confidence that I am not sure I would have had on my own . As I watched the swirling , rushing water below , I jumped far and high into the air . I heard in the distance , " DEBRA LEE ! ! ! ! ! ! " Then the water was covering my ears , my eyes , pulling my body downstream faster than I thought it could . I could see the fallen tree , my life raft , only briefly as I swirled around in the brown , murky creek water . Just as I reached the tree , I felt a swift jerk on my shirt and I was suddenly not in the water anymore . My name had been screamed by my mother as she saw her daring , brave , stupid child jump into dangerous , post storm waters with wild abandon . Now I was being pulled from the water with the adrenaline fueled fear of my mother . " What were you thinking ? " she screamed . I was about to answer when I realized that she wasn 't really asking a question . The seat burning spanks started at the creek and continued all the way home . My day in the sun was over . . . . Posted by The Tunnel I grew up in the best neighborhood in the world ! I loved it there ! I was never bored and always managed to find an adventure or two . One of my favorite things to do was to play in the creek . It wasn 't a very big creek , but it was visited by many . I remember venturing either upstream or down , looking for treasures , creatures or just all around fun ! I loved the little water spiders that kept me company on my many adventures . My mom didn 't really like that there was a tunnel at the end of the creek where teenagers hung out . She didn 't want me to go down there and knowing me and my quest for adventure , she has to make me feel like I COULDN " T go down there . : ) She told me that there were holes in the tunnel and that if you fell into one , it was very deep and probably went straight to hell . I guess that I should probably tell you that my mom was raised in a boarding school by nuns . The reference to hell sounds cruel , but it was a big part of my upbringing . I am sure that my mom meant to keep me safe , but this time , the danger of falling into a pit straight to hell wasn 't going to work . : ) My friend and I decided that we were going to see what this forbidden tunnel was all about . It was a very exciting adventure ! We waded in the water , stepping on stones and listening to the calm trickling of the stream as we moved toward our destination . As we entered the tunnel , we noticed that there were many spray painted words and pictures . We stood staring at the entrance in awe . I lived in a suburb , so grafiti wasn 't even a part of my vocabulary . The tunnel was very ominous looking , dark and forbidden . My friend and I eased in , walking slowly and checking under our feet for especially deep looking water . Not far in , we saw a dark black hole of water . . . The hair on the back of my neck stood up and I swear I thought I felt a breeze that hadn 't been there before . Our pace slowed a bit the further we got in . Our steps were more careful . When we were almost to the middle of the tunnel , we saw the scariest painting we had ever seen . It was the head of the devil , staring at us , daring us to go further . . . My friend and I were NOT playing around with that ! We turned and ran all the way home ! We did finally make it to the other side of the tunnel eventually , but it took many many trips down that dark corridor before we finally had the nerve . : ) I just got on my blog after a very long hiatus and reread my last post . The last time I wrote , Emma was leaving for college and Connor was struggling with his illness . It really wasn 't that long ago , but things sure have changed . : ) Connor is doing really really well ! : ) It has been a long road that is certainly not over , but we are in a really good place right now . He is working and going to school , smiling and laughing and pretty much a typical teenager . Some people would cringe at those words . . . " typical teenager " . Not me . I am so so grateful for those words ! You have no idea how lucky you are until you aren 't . I wrote about Emma leaving for college last time too . Well , that has changed too . Emma came home for Christmas break and just didn 't seem like herself . I was really worried . Like any mother would do , I climbed into her bed with her one morning and asked her what was wrong . She wasn 't happy and that broke my heart . I have to say that I would have expected myself to tell her to go back to school and give it another try , but I didn 't . I told her to come home , give herself the gift of time and figure out what her passion for life is . . . I am so glad that I did ! : ) Emma is home and she is thankfully herself again . She just wasn 't ready to leave home yet and that 's ok . I used to teach kindergarten and so many parents are in such a hurry with their children . They want them in kindergarten , moving fast , growing by leaps and bounds . I know a lot of people who have told me that they struggled in reading or in math when they were a kid and you know what ? Each one of them is a very successful , thriving adult . : ) I think it 's ok to slow down and I am so glad I felt comfortable telling my daughter that she should take care of herself , body , mind and spirit . I 'm not going to lie . . . I 'm thrilled that she is home ! Posted by I have three children whom I adore ! I have been teaching for 21 years and feel so often that my adventure has only just begun ! : ) I love that feeling and look forward to learning through reading and writing blogs . I am returning to the classroom this year after coordinating testing and coaching . This truly feels like a breath of fresh air and I look forward to it ! View my complete profile
I TOLD ANTONIA I would come back , but life intervened , and it was twenty years before I kept my promise . I heard of her from time to time ; that she married , very soon after I last saw her , a young Bohemian , a cousin of Anton Jelinek ; that they were poor , and had a large family . Once when I was abroad I went into Bohemia , and from Prague I sent Antonia some photographs of her native village . Months afterward came a letter from her , telling me the names and ages of her many children , but little else ; signed , ' Your old friend , Antonia Cuzak . ' When I met Tiny Soderball in Salt Lake , she told me that Antonia had not ' done very well ' ; that her husband was not a man of much force , and she had had a hard life . Perhaps it was cowardice that kept me away so long . My business took me West several times every year , and it was always in the back of my mind that I would stop in Nebraska some day and go to see Antonia . But I kept putting it off until the next trip . I did not want to find her aged and broken ; I really dreaded it . In the course of twenty crowded years one parts with many illusions . I did not wish to lose the early ones . Some memories are realities , and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again . I owe it to Lena Lingard that I went to see Antonia at last . I was in San Francisco two summers ago when both Lena and Tiny Soderball were in town . Tiny lives in a house of her own , and Lena 's shop is in an apartment house just around the corner . It interested me , after so many years , to see the two women together . Tiny audits Lena 's accounts occasionally , and invests her money for her ; and Lena , apparently , takes care that Tiny doesn 't grow too miserly . ' it 's a shabby rich woman . ' Tiny smiled grimly and assured me that Lena would never be either shabby or rich . ' And I don 't want to be , ' the other agreed complacently . ' You really ought to go , Jim . It would be such a satisfaction to her . Never mind what Tiny says . There 's nothing the matter with Cuzak . You 'd like him . He isn 't a hustler , but a rough man would never have suited Tony . Tony has nice children - - ten or eleven of them by this time , I guess . I shouldn 't care for a family of that size myself , but somehow it 's just right for Tony . She 'd love to show them to you . ' On my way East I broke my journey at Hastings , in Nebraska , and set off with an open buggy and a fairly good livery team to find the Cuzak farm . At a little past midday , I knew I must be nearing my destination . Set back on a swell of land at my right , I saw a wide farm - house , with a red barn and an ash grove , and cattle - yards in front that sloped down to the highroad . I drew up my horses and was wondering whether I should drive in here , when I heard low voices . Ahead of me , in a plum thicket beside the road , I saw two boys bending over a dead dog . The little one , not more than four or five , was on his knees , his hands folded , and his close - clipped , bare head drooping forward in deep dejection . The other stood beside him , a hand on his shoulder , and was comforting him in a language I had not heard for a long while . When I stopped my horses opposite them , the older boy took his brother by the hand and came toward me . He , too , looked grave . This was evidently a sad afternoon for them . I drove along the side - road and they followed slowly behind . When I pulled up at the windmill , another boy , barefooted and curly - headed , ran out of the barn to tie my team for me . He was a handsome one , this chap , fair - skinned and freckled , with red cheeks and a ruddy pelt as thick as a lamb 's wool , growing down on his neck in little tufts . He tied my team with two flourishes of his hands , and nodded when I asked him if his mother was at home . As he glanced at me , his face dimpled with a seizure of irrelevant merriment , and he shot up the windmill tower with a lightness that struck me as disdainful . I knew he was peering down at me as I walked toward the house . Ducks and geese ran quacking across my path . White cats were sunning themselves among yellow pumpkins on the porch steps . I looked through the wire screen into a big , light kitchen with a white floor . I saw a long table , rows of wooden chairs against the wall , and a shining range in one corner . Two girls were washing dishes at the sink , laughing and chattering , and a little one , in a short pinafore , sat on a stool playing with a rag baby . When I asked for their mother , one of the girls dropped her towel , ran across the floor with noiseless bare feet , and disappeared . The older one , who wore shoes and stockings , came to the door to admit me . She was a buxom girl with dark hair and eyes , calm and self - possessed . Before I could sit down in the chair she offered me , the miracle happened ; one of those quiet moments that clutch the heart , and take more courage than the noisy , excited passages in life . Antonia came in and stood before me ; a stalwart , brown woman , flat - chested , her curly brown hair a little grizzled . It was a shock , of course . It always is , to meet people after long years , especially if they have lived as much and as hard as this woman had . We stood looking at each other . The eyes that peered anxiously at me were - - simply Antonia 's eyes . I had seen no others like them since I looked into them last , though I had looked at so many thousands of human faces . As I confronted her , the changes grew less apparent to me , her identity stronger . She was there , in the full vigour of her personality , battered but not diminished , looking at me , speaking to me in the husky , breathy voice I remembered so well . She frowned into the slanting sunlight that made her brown hair look redder than it was . Suddenly her eyes widened , her whole face seemed to grow broader . She caught her breath and put out two hard - worked hands . ' No . I didn 't come to a funeral this time . I got off the train at Hastings and drove down to see you and your family . ' She dropped my hand and began rushing about . ' Anton , Yulka , Nina , where are you all ? Run , Anna , and hunt for the boys . They 're off looking for that dog , somewhere . And call Leo . Where is that Leo ! ' She pulled them out of corners and came bringing them like a mother cat bringing in her kittens . ' You don 't have to go right off , Jim ? My oldest boy 's not here . He 's gone with papa to the street fair at Wilber . I won 't let you go ! You 've got to stay and see Rudolph and our papa . ' She looked at me imploringly , panting with excitement . ' You 've forgot ! You always forget mine . It 's mean ! Please tell him , mother ! ' He clenched his fists in vexation and looked up at her impetuously . The children all looked at me , as if they expected me to exhibit astonishment or delight at this information . Clearly , they were proud of each other , and of being so many . When they had all been introduced , Anna , the eldest daughter , who had met me at the door , scattered them gently , and came bringing a white apron which she tied round her mother 's waist . ' Well , you 're here , now , mother , and if you talk here , Yulka and I can listen , too . You can show him the parlour after while . ' She smiled at me , and went back to the dishes , with her sister . The little girl with the rag doll found a place on the bottom step of an enclosed back stairway , and sat with her toes curled up , looking out at us expectantly . ' Ain 't her eyes like Nina 's ? I declare , Jim , I loved you children almost as much as I love my own . These children know all about you and Charley and Sally , like as if they 'd grown up with you . I can 't think of what I want to say , you 've got me so stirred up . And then , I 've forgot my English so . I don 't often talk it any more . I tell the children I used to speak real well . ' She said they always spoke Bohemian at home . The little ones could not speak English at all - - didn 't learn it until they went to school . ' I can 't believe it 's you , sitting here , in my own kitchen . You wouldn 't have known me , would you , Jim ? You 've kept so young , yourself . But it 's easier for a man . I can 't see how my Anton looks any older than the day I married him . His teeth have kept so nice . I haven 't got many left . But I feel just as young as I used to , and I can do as much work . Oh , we don 't have to work so hard now ! We 've got plenty to help us , papa and me . And how many have you got , Jim ? ' ' Oh , ain 't that too bad ! Maybe you could take one of my bad ones , now ? That Leo ; he 's the worst of all . ' She leaned toward me with a smile . Antonia threw up her head and laughed . ' I can 't help it . You know I do . Maybe it 's because he came on Easter Day , I don 't know . And he 's never out of mischief one minute ! ' I was thinking , as I watched her , how little it mattered - - about her teeth , for instance . I know so many women who have kept all the things that she had lost , but whose inner glow has faded . Whatever else was gone , Antonia had not lost the fire of life . Her skin , so brown and hardened , had not that look of flabbiness , as if the sap beneath it had been secretly drawn away . While we were talking , the little boy whom they called Jan came in and sat down on the step beside Nina , under the hood of the stairway . He wore a funny long gingham apron , like a smock , over his trousers , and his hair was clipped so short that his head looked white and naked . He watched us out of his big , sorrowful grey eyes . Antonia beckoned the boy to her . He stood by her chair , leaning his elbows on her knees and twisting her apron strings in his slender fingers , while he told her his story softly in Bohemian , and the tears brimmed over and hung on his long lashes . His mother listened , spoke soothingly to him and in a whisper promised him something that made him give her a quick , teary smile . He slipped away and whispered his secret to Nina , sitting close to her and talking behind his hand . We started off across the yard with the children at our heels . The boys were standing by the windmill , talking about the dog ; some of them ran ahead to open the cellar door . When we descended , they all came down after us , and seemed quite as proud of the cave as the girls were . ' You wouldn 't believe , Jim , what it takes to feed them all ! ' their mother exclaimed . ' You ought to see the bread we bake on Wednesdays and Saturdays ! It 's no wonder their poor papa can 't get rich , he has to buy so much sugar for us to preserve with . We have our own wheat ground for flour - - but then there 's that much less to sell . ' ' Show him the spiced plums , mother . Americans don 't have those , ' said one of the older boys . ' Mother uses them to make kolaches , ' he added . I turned to him . ' You think I don 't know what kolaches are , eh ? You 're mistaken , young man . I 've eaten your mother 's kolaches long before that Easter Day when you were born . ' We turned to leave the cave ; Antonia and I went up the stairs first , and the children waited . We were standing outside talking , when they all came running up the steps together , big and little , tow heads and gold heads and brown , and flashing little naked legs ; a veritable explosion of life out of the dark cave into the sunlight . It made me dizzy for a moment . The boys escorted us to the front of the house , which I hadn 't yet seen ; in farm - houses , somehow , life comes and goes by the back door . The roof was so steep that the eaves were not much above the forest of tall hollyhocks , now brown and in seed . Through July , Antonia said , the house was buried in them ; the Bohemians , I remembered , always planted hollyhocks . The front yard was enclosed by a thorny locust hedge , and at the gate grew two silvery , mothlike trees of the mimosa family . From here one looked down over the cattle - yards , with their two long ponds , and over a wide stretch of stubble which they told me was a ryefield in summer . ' I love them as if they were people , ' she said , rubbing her hand over the bark . ' There wasn 't a tree here when we first came . We planted every one , and used to carry water for them , too - - after we 'd been working in the fields all day . Anton , he was a city man , and he used to get discouraged . But I couldn 't feel so tired that I wouldn 't fret about these trees when there was a dry time . They were on my mind like children . Many a night after he was asleep I 've got up and come out and carried water to the poor things . And now , you see , we have the good of them . My man worked in the orange groves in Florida , and he knows all about grafting . There ain 't one of our neighbours has an orchard that bears like ours . ' In the middle of the orchard we came upon a grape arbour , with seats built along the sides and a warped plank table . The three children were waiting for us there . They looked up at me bashfully and made some request of their mother . ' I had to tell him he could . He 's kind of like Nina Harling ; you remember how hard she used to take little things ? He has funny notions , like her . ' We sat down and watched them . Antonia leaned her elbows on the table . There was the deepest peace in that orchard . It was surrounded by a triple enclosure ; the wire fence , then the hedge of thorny locusts , then the mulberry hedge which kept out the hot winds of summer and held fast to the protecting snows of winter . The hedges were so tall that we could see nothing but the blue sky above them , neither the barn roof nor the windmill . The afternoon sun poured down on us through the drying grape leaves . The orchard seemed full of sun , like a cup , and we could smell the ripe apples on the trees . The crabs hung on the branches as thick as beads on a string , purple - red , with a thin silvery glaze over them . Some hens and ducks had crept through the hedge and were pecking at the fallen apples . The drakes were handsome fellows , with pinkish grey bodies , their heads and necks covered with iridescent green feathers which grew close and full , changing to blue like a peacock 's neck . Antonia said they always reminded her of soldiers - - some uniform she had seen in the old country , when she was a child . ' Are there any quail left now ? ' I asked . I reminded her how she used to go hunting with me the last summer before we moved to town . ' Ever since I 've had children , I don 't like to kill anything . It makes me kind of faint to wring an old goose 's neck . Ain 't that strange , Jim ? ' ' I don 't know . The young Queen of Italy said the same thing once , to a friend of mine . She used to be a great huntswoman , but now she feels as you do , and only shoots clay pigeons . ' She told me how she and her husband had come out to this new country when the farm - land was cheap and could be had on easy payments . The first ten years were a hard struggle . Her husband knew very little about farming and often grew discouraged . ' We 'd never have got through if I hadn 't been so strong . I 've always had good health , thank God , and I was able to help him in the fields until right up to the time before my babies came . Our children were good about taking care of each other . Martha , the one you saw when she was a baby , was such a help to me , and she trained Anna to be just like her . My Martha 's married now , and has a baby of her own . Think of that , Jim ! ' No , I never got down - hearted . Anton 's a good man , and I loved my children and always believed they would turn out well . I belong on a farm . I 'm never lonesome here like I used to be in town . You remember what sad spells I used to have , when I didn 't know what was the matter with me ? I 've never had them out here . And I don 't mind work a bit , if I don 't have to put up with sadness . ' She leaned her chin on her hand and looked down through the orchard , where the sunlight was growing more and more golden . ' Oh , I 'm glad I went ! I 'd never have known anything about cooking or housekeeping if I hadn 't . I learned nice ways at the Harlings ' , and I 've been able to bring my children up so much better . Don 't you think they are pretty well - behaved for country children ? If it hadn 't been for what Mrs . Harling taught me , I expect I 'd have brought them up like wild rabbits . No , I 'm glad I had a chance to learn ; but I 'm thankful none of my daughters will ever have to work out . The trouble with me was , Jim , I never could believe harm of anybody I loved . ' While we were talking , Antonia assured me that she could keep me for the night . ' We 've plenty of room . Two of the boys sleep in the haymow till cold weather comes , but there 's no need for it . Leo always begs to sleep there , and Ambrosch goes along to look after him . ' ' You can do just as you want to . The chest is full of clean blankets , put away for winter . Now I must go , or my girls will be doing all the work , and I want to cook your supper myself . ' I walked between the two older boys - - straight , well - made fellows , with good heads and clear eyes . They talked about their school and the new teacher , told me about the crops and the harvest , and how many steers they would feed that winter . They were easy and confidential with me , as if I were an old friend of the family - - and not too old . I felt like a boy in their company , and all manner of forgotten interests revived in me . It seemed , after all , so natural to be walking along a barbed - wire fence beside the sunset , toward a red pond , and to see my shadow moving along at my right , over the close - cropped grass . ' Has mother shown you the pictures you sent her from the old country ? ' Ambrosch asked . ' We 've had them framed and they 're hung up in the parlour . She was so glad to get them . I don 't believe I ever saw her so pleased about anything . ' There was a note of simple gratitude in his voice that made me wish I had given more occasion for it . ' Oh , we know ! ' they said again , warmly . ' She 's not very old now , ' Ambrosch added . ' Not much older than you . ' ' Well , ' I said , ' if you weren 't nice to her , I think I 'd take a club and go for the whole lot of you . I couldn 't stand it if you boys were inconsiderate , or thought of her as if she were just somebody who looked after you . You see I was very much in love with your mother once , and I know there 's nobody like her . ' ' She never told us that , ' said Anton . ' But she 's always talked lots about you , and about what good times you used to have . She has a picture of you that she cut out of the Chicago paper once , and Leo says he recognized you when you drove up to the windmill . You can 't tell about Leo , though ; sometimes he likes to be smart . ' We brought the cows home to the corner nearest the barn , and the boys milked them while night came on . Everything was as it should be : the strong smell of sunflowers and ironweed in the dew , the clear blue and gold of the sky , the evening star , the purr of the milk into the pails , the grunts and squeals of the pigs fighting over their supper . I began to feel the loneliness of the farm - boy at evening , when the chores seem everlastingly the same , and the world so far away . What a tableful we were at supper : two long rows of restless heads in the lamplight , and so many eyes fastened excitedly upon Antonia as she sat at the head of the table , filling the plates and starting the dishes on their way . The children were seated according to a system ; a little one next an older one , who was to watch over his behaviour and to see that he got his food . Anna and Yulka left their chairs from time to time to bring fresh plates of kolaches and pitchers of milk . After supper we went into the parlour , so that Yulka and Leo could play for me . Antonia went first , carrying the lamp . There were not nearly chairs enough to go round , so the younger children sat down on the bare floor . Little Lucie whispered to me that they were going to have a parlour carpet if they got ninety cents for their wheat . Leo , with a good deal of fussing , got out his violin . It was old Mr . Shimerda 's instrument , which Antonia had always kept , and it was too big for him . But he played very well for a self - taught boy . Poor Yulka 's efforts were not so successful . While they were playing , little Nina got up from her corner , came out into the middle of the floor , and began to do a pretty little dance on the boards with her bare feet . No one paid the least attention to her , and when she was through she stole back and sat down by her brother . Antonia spoke to Leo in Bohemian . He frowned and wrinkled up his face . He seemed to be trying to pout , but his attempt only brought out dimples in unusual places . After twisting and screwing the keys , he played some Bohemian airs , without the organ to hold him back , and that went better . The boy was so restless that I had not had a chance to look at his face before . My first impression was right ; he really was faun - like . He hadn 't much head behind his ears , and his tawny fleece grew down thick to the back of his neck . His eyes were not frank and wide apart like those of the other boys , but were deep - set , gold - green in colour , and seemed sensitive to the light . His mother said he got hurt oftener than all the others put together . He was always trying to ride the colts before they were broken , teasing the turkey gobbler , seeing just how much red the bull would stand for , or how sharp the new axe was . ' You wouldn 't believe how steady those girls have turned out , ' Antonia remarked . ' Mary Svoboda 's the best butter - maker in all this country , and a fine manager . Her children will have a grand chance . ' As Antonia turned over the pictures the young Cuzaks stood behind her chair , looking over her shoulder with interested faces . Nina and Jan , after trying to see round the taller ones , quietly brought a chair , climbed up on it , and stood close together , looking . The little boy forgot his shyness and grinned delightedly when familiar faces came into view . In the group about Antonia I was conscious of a kind of physical harmony . They leaned this way and that , and were not afraid to touch each other . They contemplated the photographs with pleased recognition ; looked at some admiringly , as if these characters in their mother 's girlhood had been remarkable people . The little children , who could not speak English , murmured comments to each other in their rich old language . Antonia held out a photograph of Lena that had come from San Francisco last Christmas . ' Does she still look like that ? She hasn 't been home for six years now . ' Yes , it was exactly like Lena , I told her ; a comely woman , a trifle too plump , in a hat a trifle too large , but with the old lazy eyes , and the old dimpled ingenuousness still lurking at the corners of her mouth . There was a picture of Frances Harling in a befrogged riding costume that I remembered well . ' Isn 't she fine ! ' the girls murmured . They all assented . One could see that Frances had come down as a heroine in the family legend . Only Leo was unmoved . Leo poked out a supple red tongue at him , but a moment later broke into a giggle at a tintype of two men , uncomfortably seated , with an awkward - looking boy in baggy clothes standing between them : Jake and Otto and I ! We had it taken , I remembered , when we went to Black Hawk on the first Fourth of July I spent in Nebraska . I was glad to see Jake 's grin again , and Otto 's ferocious moustaches . The young Cuzaks knew all about them . ' He made grandfather 's coffin , didn 't he ? ' Anton asked . ' Tell us , Mr . Burden , ' said Charley , ' about the rattler you killed at the dog - town . How long was he ? Sometimes mother says six feet and sometimes she says five . ' The boys told me to choose my own place in the haymow , and I lay down before a big window , left open in warm weather , that looked out into the stars . Ambrosch and Leo cuddled up in a hay - cave , back under the eaves , and lay giggling and whispering . They tickled each other and tossed and tumbled in the hay ; and then , all at once , as if they had been shot , they were still . There was hardly a minute between giggles and bland slumber . I lay awake for a long while , until the slow - moving moon passed my window on its way up the heavens . I was thinking about Antonia and her children ; about Anna 's solicitude for her , Ambrosch 's grave affection , Leo 's jealous , animal little love . That moment , when they all came tumbling out of the cave into the light , was a sight any man might have come far to see . Antonia had always been one to leave images in the mind that did not fade - - that grew stronger with time . In my memory there was a succession of such pictures , fixed there like the old woodcuts of one 's first primer : Antonia kicking her bare legs against the sides of my pony when we came home in triumph with our snake ; Antonia in her black shawl and fur cap , as she stood by her father 's grave in the snowstorm ; Antonia coming in with her work - team along the evening sky - line . She lent herself to immemorial human attitudes which we recognize by instinct as universal and true . I had not been mistaken . She was a battered woman now , not a lovely girl ; but she still had that something which fires the imagination , could still stop one 's breath for a moment by a look or gesture that somehow revealed the meaning in common things . She had only to stand in the orchard , to put her hand on a little crab tree and look up at the apples , to make you feel the goodness of planting and tending and harvesting at last . All the strong things of her heart came out in her body , that had been so tireless in serving generous emotions .
Merton was not aware of time , but he was aware of pain . It sliced through his chest like an infection , spreading through his veins and burning his chest . He didn 't see things , but he could hear them , and at times blurry images came to him , though he couldn 't distinguish that from his dreams . He dreamed often of a dark forest illuminated by small lights dancing overhead . He dreamed of being back home , looking at the moon through his telescope . He dreamed of graveyard and digging his feet into the soil , which shook with the dead underneath . He dreamed of a girl standing over him , dark eyes covered by dark hair , standing so still it was like time streamed around her . He dreamed of his mom crying at his funeral . He was in a hospital . An unsettling place to wake up with no explanation , but in a chair across from him , his mom slept , and the blinds over the windows had been pulled down , but he could still see that it was night . There was pain in his chest that bloomed across his body , and all of his limbs ached . He was thankful for the dark , because even the low light coming in from the hall stung . A nurse came in , rolling a cart with her , and he tried to speak . That 's when everyone started waking up . Morning came , and Beverly appeared . She threw herself onto his bed and begged forgiveness . There 'd been some attempt to explain what happened to him when he woke , but he was still weak and barely understood what was happening . She babbled out the whole story , starting with the PTA meeting , and then the car ride , and the frenzy to get him to the hospital . She told him Johnny was sorry , and he 'd made a joke about returning from the dead . Then she showed him his broken camera and apologized some more . Johnny did come to visit , which honestly surprised Merton , though the guy was broken up over it . He did some of his own apologizing , but Merton let him know there were no hard feelings . After all , Johnny had died . He knew firsthand how bad of an experience this could be . Merton didn 't get too many more visitors , though in the middle of the night he was woken by the soft sounds of serious men outside . He saw his mom illuminated in the doorway , talking to three men he didn 't recognize . They 'd left soon afterwards . Checking more zombies , Merton realized . He was grateful he wasn 't one . After a few days of recovery , people started to ask questions , and he tried to answer them . The problem was , he didn 't remember anything . He 'd rode his bike out to Devon Fields , and then nothing . The bright light of Johnny 's car . Pain . He got told by several doctors and a few nurses how amazing his recovery was . Every bone in his body should 've been broken , every blood vessel burst , but he 'd had a concussion , a few fractures , and a large wound in his chest . It was the only thing that hadn 't healed completely in the two weeks he 'd spent in the hospital . The gash was a dark and angry red , and they kept it bandaged for him . The doctor told his mom it would heal normally with stitches . He spent five more days in the hospital after waking . They did tests , made him walk around the hospital every day , and then released him . His mom made up the house like he had a cold . She put extra pillows in his bed and fed him soup and tea and juice . She went down to the store to buy him magazines to read and played the radio all day . His brain was turning to mush with how little he was doing . It wasn 't the walking . He could get up without much pain and move around all he liked , but he was exhausted still . His limbs felt weak . His chest hurt constantly . But after being trapped indoors for a few days , Beverly visited , and they sat outside together . " That 's good . " He flipped through the pages , a pang running through his heart at the memory of his camera . " You 've been busy . " " I don 't know what to do when stuff like this happens . " She leaned against him . The days were getting colder , but heat flared in his face . " I have to do this or I 'll go bonkers . " She punched his arm . " Don 't even joke about that . If you died , I 'd probably have to , I don 't know , throw myself on your grave or something . " She punched him again , and he leaned back , enjoying the fresh air . It was the first day his mom hadn 't been hovering over him either . Beverly had been right . After all this , what he really wanted was for things to be normal again . For once in his life he missed school . " No , I mean , Johnny got hit and died . He looked bad too . But you , you were in a coma for two weeks , and you look fine . I wouldn 't even know . " " Except for this . " He laid a hand down on his chest . The wound still burned brightly , but they 'd given him a number of drugs that were supposed to help with the pain . " I guess it doesn 't really look like a car hit me there . " Concern bled into her face , and he wondered what it 'd been like for her . Seeing him crumpled in the road like that , blood everywhere , thinking she killed him just because she put a hand on Johnny 's knee . Part of him wanted to put an arm around her , but the sane part of him said no . " I hope so . " She smiled at him . " Do you know when you 'll come back to school ? It 's not the same without you . " They chatted a few more hours , and finally she left , hugging him goodbye . Merton went back up to his room . He sat around for a minute , looking over the homework she 'd brought him , and flipping through radio stations . He dug out the broken pieces of his camera . The upstairs bathroom he 'd converted into a dark room against his mom 's wishes , but he gathered up his equipment and shut the door behind him . He pulled the film from the camera , setting the prints in their bath and left when he started getting lightheaded . The sun had set , and the sliver of the moon peered at him from his bedroom window . A feeling overtook him , and he climbed up onto his perch on the roof . He 'd left his jacket in his room , and he shivered as he adjusted the telescope he 'd stationed on the flat ridge of the roof . He focused it on the moon . His chest began to burn . The pain spread like fire , and he couldn 't breathe , doubling over , knuckles turning white as his hands clenched . Pulling his shirt open , he looked at the mark on his chest . It didn 't look very much like the blunt force of a car . It looked more like claw marks , three long streaks still bright red scratched over his chest and onto his shoulder . He tried to remember what had led him back to town , and if Beverly was right , he 'd been running from something . A cold fear dropped down his spine , and he turned the telescope towards Devon Fields . He could make out the little rows of cars , but no lights shone in the trees . Nothing moved in the trees at all , except a few drunk teens and the occasional policeman keeping them out of trouble . He sighed and sat back , shaking his head . Eventually he returned to his photos and let them dry . The pictures developed into familiar scenes . Images from school , Johnny among his friends , Beverly working on the newsletter , football players running across the field . The last few were different , though . One was on the outside of Devon Fields , looking into the trees , but another showed the forest . Light blurred between the trees , like white ink blots spreading through the photo . The last was a shape outlined by the light , something that could 've been mistaken for human . It 's body curled over , and the wide shoulders slumped forward . The face was impossible to make out , but there was something wrong about it . The peak of the nose , the pinpoints of light that might be eyes , the halo of hair standing on all ends . It didn 't feel human . He pressed a palm to his tender chest . The memory of the night was still lost , and only blurry images remained . Had he seen something in the trees , or had he dreamed it ? Something had scared him out of the forest . Looking at the picture , he wasn 't sure he wanted to know . Beverly was excited at least . She was jumping up and down as they returned to the newspaper office and presented him with the camera the school was willing to lend out to students . Miss Helim patted him on the back and returned to her lessons . School was more or less the same . Merton brought her the photos he 'd developed but hid the ones he 'd taken out in Devon Fields . He was starting to think it was a blessing to forget what had happened . The zombie frenzy had died down as well , and Johnny was more or less integrated into the student population . It was mildly annoying how easy things fell back into their usual rhythm , but there was relief in normality . Merton was willing to count his blessings . He barely felt pain anymore , though the wound in his chest still burned at times . Everyone told him it was normal , so he ignored it . Then there were the dreams . Like the fragments he 'd had in the hospital , some nights it came to him , fractured and the edges hard to make out . Sometimes it felt like a memory , sometimes they were too surreal . Sometimes he was walking through Devon Fields , the moon a large disc overhead , the trees filled with lights , and a howl would sound so deep it would shake him awake . Sometimes he was half - buried in the dirt , Beverly a few feet from him , eyes closed . He would reach for her , and her eyes would open , pouring out yellow light . It woke him up most nights , always with a fever running through his scar , but by morning it was gone . He chalked it up to leftover trauma . He couldn 't really explain it to anyone anyway . Bad dreams were just bad dreams . He had a moment , walking through the hallways with Beverly , where he almost asked Johnny if he still had dreams , but he vetoed it on the basis of being stupid . Beverly was part of Johnny 's group now , taking up the space that Betty had left vacant without any of the benefits . It couldn 't be better for Beverly , who now stood center circle of the large group of friends , usually to Johnny 's right , laughing and smiling with them . Merton spent most of his time being tired though , and being around too many people made his head hurt . He tried to go along with it as much as possible . It stung a little bit , how easily she fit in with them , and he wondered vaguely if she would 've taken this spot sooner if she didn 't have him hanging around . Merton started to pass when they invited him out , and Beverly had the decency as a good friend to look hurt every time he did . Still , he didn 't blame her for enjoying the newfound popularity . She tried her darndest to get him to play along . " You 're such a stiff , " she said as they walked out to the parking lot after school . Johnny 's friends were hanging around their cars , getting ready to make it down to the soda shop . Merton 's eyes burned in the sun . She dragged him forcefully through the parking lot and they climbed into Johnny 's car . The gang of cheerleaders and football players took up two booths in the back , where there was a constant shift in circles and conversations . Merton and Beverly sat across from Johnny , Merton shrinking beneath the attention of Johnny 's friends . The group laughed . At least they had a sense of humor about the whole thing . The tables didn 't remain static . People arrived and left , and the never ending train of camaraderie and friendship started to get to Merton . An hour or two spent crammed inside the booth , the loud shouts of people around him , the gentle looks Beverly was giving out to Johnny , he started getting overwhelmed . A pain burst in his forehead , and his chest was throbbing . He slipped out of the booth and into the night air . The windows fogged up as the cold air was starting to blow in . He turned away from the light of the building , leaning into the alley between the soda shop and the pharmacy next door . His scar was burning red hot , and a spike of pain slammed through him , leaving him breathless . He caught himself on the brick wall , hugging his chest and squeezing his eyes shut until the pain passed . It usually took a few minutes , but it passed like hours . He looked up at the clear sky filled with constellations , blurred by the light of the moon . Merton tried to look , his vision blurred by pain . Someone was standing at the corner of the shop , half hidden in the shadows of the alleyway . A tall gangly figure stepped forward , and a young face peered at him through dark hair . His clothes wrinkled , his hair unkempt , he was a stranger . Whitby didn 't get visitors . The European girl was the most exotic person to walk the halls . This stranger couldn 't have been older than seventeen either , looking like he slept in trash bins . He stepped back . The pain was fading , but an alarm was sounding in his head . There wasn 't such thing as a stranger in Whitby . Even the white faced military men were familiar . " Oh , yeah ? " The light from the soda shop seemed distant . Pinpoints of black light filled Merton 's vision . " I don 't think I know you . How 'd you hear that ? " His skinny shoulders rose and fell beneath the heavy jacket . It would take a lot of meals for him to fill it out . " I 'm always around . Listen right , and you can hear anything . " Merton ducked his head back inside the diner and quickly returned to the booth . The pain had passed , but his heart still raced . Beverly looked at him as he slumped back down beside her , but he shook his head . The conversations carried on around him like white noise . The glass still fogged outside , and Merton 's eyes drew to the outside . He half expected Jack to be there , watching him , but it was only an empty street , the occasional car passing by . Beverly and Merton walked home together after the night had grown late . The cold was coming in fast , and Merton 's jacket wasn 't enough . Beverly watched him as they walked . " I 'm fine , Bev . " He wasn 't , but he didn 't think it was his injuries that were hurting him . Insomnia , anxiety , and a new friend were doing all the heavy lifting . " You and Johnny seem chummy , huh ? " " It 's been three years and I 'm not over him . " She rubbed her face . " I 'm a fool , Merton . I 'm in love with a boy who 's a zombie . " He shrugged . " No one seems all that bothered by it . I wonder how easy it would 've been to get him back in school if the word ' segregation ' had come up . " " Don 't make that face , " he said . He wanted to put an arm around her , but he abstained . " If I died , you 'd fight twice as hard for me , yeah ? " She didn 't finish the statement . When she 'd visited him that first time in the hospital , she 'd been shaking but still full of smiles , throwing her arms over him and begging forgiveness . He realized until he woke up , she was probably manic with worry . They came to her house , and she hugged him goodbye . He started the walk to his house a block over , and cut through the alleyways to do it . It 'd be a cold winter . Above him , the moon was a large circle , not quite complete . The stars glittered around it . Looking up , he suddenly felt sick and disoriented . He reached a hand up to the scar on his chest . A noise echoed through the alley , a cat running through a bush or a squirrel or something , and he turned around . No one there , he told himself . Who would be ? Marya flipped through the school newsletter . Even after the excitement with Johnny had finally died down , it was a surprising fount of information . Beverly Jones did her homework , at least , but it still wasn 't enough . Marya 's knuckles tapped against the sheet , and gaze started to blur for how long she 'd been staring at it . She 'd been wondering where the government men and scientists put their reports , though that was a pipe dream . Half the school already thought she was a Communist spy . She didn 't need to give them more reason . " I can 't believe you 're still reading that , " Betty said as she hopped up the the bleachers . Beneath them , the boys were going through their sets , with Johnny on the sidelines , a bevy of cheerleaders around him . She didn 't even glance down . Marya glanced at her . She still wore black , despite there being no obvious reason for it , but her demeanor had changed . Her cheeks had returned some color , and she 'd taken to curling her hair again . It touched her long neck , and Marya forced herself to look back at the football field in front of them . Betty took it from her hands and glanced through it . " I doubt that Jones girl is going to break through with any major secrets . I doubt there are any left , really . " Marya 's mouth twisted shut , and she shielded her eyes with the newsletter as she looked over the field . It 'd been a few months since she 'd arrived , and she still had no clue why she was here . Any attempt to contact her father had been unsuccessful . He was always enigmatic . She 'd assumed Johnny was the key to what was going on , but since his return , nothing more had happened . He was the only real lead , and there was nothing more to find . She shook her head . After her initial time at Laemmle High , she 'd become common enough that she barely even heard jokes anymore . " I 'm concerned is all ? " Betty 's eyes drew to the crowd below , and she gave Marya a sheepish glance . " Whitby 's a weird place . Me and Johnny used to go out to Devon Fields on the edge of town . People take their cars and , you know . One night we were out there and we saw these weird lights through the trees . Johnny wanted to investigate , but I didn 't like it . " " I don 't know . Weird . They looked really far off , but once you get to the fields there 's not much out there , just more trees . Some of the teachers say they 're lights from the highway , but I don 't know . They move weird . And then there 's the cabin out on Lake Green . " She shrugged . " There 's this old cabin that no one owns , and we use it all the time , especially in the summer . One year we stumbled on the basement and found these old filing cabinets that were locked up and a bunch of harpoons . I remember going when I was a little kid , and looking out at the water , and there was something there . I just assumed it was an alligator . Then Norma swears up and down that when she went camping for Girl Scouts , some kind of wild animal came after them . But I think if there were something , we would know . People would 've seen it . " Marya parsed through the new data . She 'd heard rumor , of course . People loved to talk . Slowly she unfolded the newsletter and smoothed it out in her lap . Betty watched her , chin in her palm . Marya was already hopping down the bleacher steps . Her gaze caught Johnny for a moment as she ran past , but she was starting to think her scope had been too narrow . Her father hadn 't sent her here because of a single zombie . There had to be more . Whitby was a town of unusual sites . Even Johnny returning from the dead had been decided with a PTA meeting . Even for Marya , that was strange . And of course Beverly Jones wrote it all down . She didn 't even know what she was writing . Miracle recovery from a life threatening situation . And that Friday had been a full moon . She was running down the hall that led to the journalism room and then stopped . Ms . Helim was walking out of it , speaking to the brunette editor , and she saw Merton Dewitt leaning against the wall , fiddling with a camera . Marya backed away and let herself be unseen . He closed the door behind him , and he stuttered , just a moment . Marya saw his fist clench against the metal , a slight stoop to his shoulders . His breath hitched . Beverly noticed as well and placed a hand against his back . " Fine . " His teeth clenched together , but he managed to stand and force a smile . He tugged at his shirt absentmindedly , and the edge of a red scar peeked through his t - shirt . " It still hurts sometimes . " " You 're burning up ! Come on . " She grabbed his arm . " If you die from infection , I 'm going to be the one who has to explain it . " They walked past Marya , and once they rounded the corner , she peeled away from the wall . She walked up to the club room door and placed a hand on the doorknob . It wouldn 't be much trouble at all to open it , even if they 'd locked it , but she didn 't suspect her answer laid within . Her eyes drew to where they 'd stood , the warmth of them still hanging in the air . Did he know ? She suspected not . Betty said if there was a monster out there , they would 've caught it , but Marya knew better . There was a lot of space between Devon Fields and the lake . Plenty of space to hide . She felt relief , a little . There was something else . She 'd been grasping for anything since Johnny raised himself from the dead . They shouldn 't be connected , but in this town , she couldn 't be sure . Marya headed back towards the bleachers , feeling oddly satisfied . She passed a few hallways and paused as she saw Shelley Rathbone leaning into her locker , fiddling with her book bag . The motions were quick as she inventoried , but Marya saw a flashlight and what looked to be a heavy pair of bolt cutters . Quickly , Shelley snapped down the flap and hoisted the bag over her shoulders . She stopped when she saw Marya and quickly turned the other way . Her heart was beating rapidly too , but Marya suspected not for the same reasons . Marya returned to the bleachers , quiet as she contemplated this new information . It was right in front of her , she could feel it . The answers were right there . There was something wrong with Whitby , and she started to wonder if it was affecting her . Beverly walked home with Merton . The nurse 's office had no real help for him besides a cold washcloth and a thermometer that told him he was fine . He wasn 't . He was healing , sure , and maybe that was still affecting him , but the rest of him had healed so fast . He 'd gotten up and around so easily since waking up , and now he looked like he could barely stand . She could see where the collar of his shirt pulled away the edge of the red scar . It didn 't seem to be healing at all . He shoved her along and opened the door to his house . His mom worked , and the house was still empty . Merton collapsed into a chair in the kitchen while Beverly rummaged for snacks . " I could be . " She poured him a glass of water and set it in front of him . She wondered when she became so comfortable in his house . It was easier than going to her house , where her mom would fuss over her . Her mom didn 't like Merton very much , though she didn 't express it like that . It was easier here . She pulled the bowl of apples closer and started peeling one . " You are . You don 't have to pretend . I know you don 't really like them . " She smiled . " I said you don 't have to pretend . You 're still my best friend , Merton . I don 't mind hanging around with you . " " It feels odd , though , doesn 't it ? " She handed him a slice as well . " Whitby 's always been unusual , but never like this . " " I think , " he said slowly , not looking at her as he wiped his hand on a napkin , " you 'd be fine wherever you go . You got a zombie re - enrolled in class . That 's pretty major . You 're smart . You 'll get wherever you 're going . " She didn 't look at him either . He didn 't usually go for sincerity . " I 'm not the only one who got Johnny back in school . " They ended up in the living room , Beverly on the floor as she flipped through her textbooks and Merton flipping through radio stations . His mom came home , a soft looking woman with red hair that was already turning grey . It was Beverly 's cue to run home for dinner . She gathered up her things and stuffed them into her book bag . She pulled the canvas strap over her chest and considered saying something right there , with his mom taking the pins out of her hair . " It 's only Merton 's . " Beverly hung her coat up on the rack and slipped off her shoes . " He 's still feeling sick , I think . " She closed the door to her room and breathed out . Six months ago , her mom probably would 've been thrilled to know she was going out with Johnny , but now he was a zombie . Hearing she 'd been driving front seat with him all alone - which of course led to the injury of her best friend , mom couldn 't let that go - had made her mom 's face go purple . Merton probably would 've laughed if he 'd seen it . It 'd made her parents put her on a tighter leash . Curfews on the weekends . Home by dinner on school nights . She 'd tried paying Merton back for the accident by inviting him out with her every chance , but she knew he didn 't like it . He was antsier since getting out of the hospital , but maybe he had a lot of pent up energy from being in a two week coma . He hadn 't been talking to her as much either , which also hurt . It was her fault , though . It didn 't seem like he was mad at her , but he probably wasn 't happy either . It was hard to tell with Merton . Her mom knocked on her door , calling her for dinner . She 'd figure something out tomorrow . She didn 't know if she could live without her best friend . He didn 't look a lot like his mom . Light , like her , and with her dash of sprinkles , but his hair was dark , and his eyes were brown . But Beverly pointed out all the time how they made the exact same expressions , down to the slightly raised eyebrow when they didn 't believe what they were being told . He climbed up the stairs to his room , where he closed the door and looked at his homework that was piling up . His teachers had given him extended due dates and makeup work , and the thought of doing any of it made his head heavy . He laid down in his bed and buried his head in his pillow , breathing out a shaky breath . Pain beat against his ribcage , and the scar on his chest burned . There were some pills in the medicine cabinet in his mom 's bathroom meant to help with the pain , but he 'd already taken his daily dose . Outside his window , the streetlights chased away the stars , but the moon was growing fatter . It was the only thing he dreamed about . He was there , in the forest , the trees surrounding him like soldiers , their tall arms reaching up towards the sky . The moon looked unreal , a wide flat disc of yellow light , and it lit the forest in blues and greens . He stood slowly , aware he had been here before , that he was reliving something . His steps were muted as he walked across the cold , wet ground , and then he saw someone in the distance . They stood still , their face a shadow . For a moment , it looked like Beverly . He sprinted towards the figure , pain spreading across his chest like white hot fire , poisoning his skin and blood and bones , but he ran despite this , chasing the figure so far away . He couldn 't see through the pain , eyes blinded by the moon above , and when he grabbed the figure , it turned , and all he saw were teeth . When Merton opened his eyes , he thought he was still dreaming . He stood on the corner of his street , four houses away from his bed . Nausea punched him in the gut , and he leaned over , clutching onto a stop sign for support . The waxing moon was curving down towards the horizon . He breathed in , easing the pain in his chest , and he realized as his hands scraped the metal pole , and the cool November breeze spread goosebumps on his skin , this was real . Somehow , he 'd wandered from his on bed . Panic overtook him . He 'd dealt with the dreams , but this was - this was real life . Sleepwalking . Out of his house , down the street . How far could he go before he woke up ? He nearly fell over from surprise . He hadn 't even noticed the clump of rags and jackets that made the shape of a person . Jack Kenley grinned at him , cigarette resting between his fingers . " You 're stalking me , right ? " He rubbed his face and realized his glasses were still on his nightstand at home , which explained why the world was slightly blurry . " Should I call the cops ? " " I got no reason to harm you . " Jack gestured to the concrete beside him . " I lived in Whitby my whole life , you know . You 've just never seen me . " " You 've been feeling sick , friend , " Jack said , looking at him with his small , dark eyes . " I know how that is . Walking around at night too . I stopped sleeping . Never know where you 're gonna end up , especially when the moon is full . " Merton 's eyes drew up to the sky . Only a week until the next full moon , almost exactly a month since the night he got put in a hospital . He felt weak looking at it . Jack waved at him as he stomped back towards his house . The back door was unlocked , and Merton crept up the stairs . Nothing was disturbed . He 'd just walked out of his own house . His door was open , his sheets pushed to the floor , and that was it . He shut the door and placed a chair in front of it . Looking out his window , he saw no Jack Kenleys or anyone else , but he pulled the curtains and laid back , squeezing his eyes shut . The moon burned a hole into his vision , and he rolled over into a restless slumber .
pretty , at least I didn 't think so . But I wasn 't one to talk . The special thing about her was that she was just incredibly engaging . Everyone wanted to be around her , to have her sit at their table during lunch . Lissa 's birthday party was the talk of the cafeteria on this particular day . I heard that the invitations were selective , not like the normal " everyone in the class gets one " invites that we had grown up with . I heard she was handing them out herself . I also heard that they were on glittery Lisa Frank stationary , with cute , brightly colored animals all over them . God , I wanted that invitation . I viewed it as a ticket to … something . I wasn 't sure what exactly . Fitting in ? Knowing that I really had friends ? I was always trying to figure out what I was missing and how to make up for it rather than trying to fit where I actually fit as I was . I stared at my red segmented lunch tray as Lissa passed the invitations out at our table . She gave one to everyone - everyone that is except for me . I stared at my gloppy middle school cafeteria slop and tried to figure out what I 'd done to not be the recipient of the rainbow colored door to the rest of my life . I rarely ate lunch in the cafeteria after that day ; I hid in the bathrooms or in a teacher 's classroom whenever I could get away with it . Alone . That day with Lissa was the day where I stopped really trying to connect with my friends on a genuine level . Where I let myself drift away from the herd because I realized I 'd never be like them ; where I stopped being seen . The thing about B is that he saw me . I think that 's what drew me to him really . He had this power in the beginning to make me the center of his everything , and his gaze was that rainbow I had been missing . At least I thought that he saw me . His rainbow held all the things I thought I had to be . Girlfriend , wife . Mother . Perfect . Beautiful . One of the last times I saw him before he went away , in a crowded aisle in the local Target a month or two after we filed for divorce , I found myself remembering my first kiss . Not with him . It was a boy named Adam , in the local teen coffeehouse in front of the Coke machine . Adam was running down the steps wLeave a comment Sunday night , a lot of years ago . October , maybe ? I was on my way back to Wisconsin from Indiana , where I had been helping chaperone a herd of teenagers at a Christian youth event in the Thunderdome , when his mother told me he had a surprise waiting at my apartment . My apartment where he was not allowed to be . " Did you give him my key ? " I couldn 't keep the scorn out of my voice . " I don 't want him in my house . " There was a lot I didn 't say . Were there blankets on the couch . I 'm pretty sure I left blankets on the couch . You know he 's going to want to do things , right ? That he won 't want to hear no ? You know there 's a reason I took his key away ? I blinked without continuing out loud . I arrived home to baked chicken , handmade potatoes , and cheese covered broccoli , one of the only veggies I actually enjoyed eating . He had cooked me all of my favorite things , covered my cheap gray card table in a fancy red table cloth adorned with two silver candle holders with pine green candles . We watched Amityville Horror on the couch , under the blanket of course even though the apartment was easily in the 70s , and then he proposed to me with very little fanfare . I said yes with equally little fanfare . The proposal was nothing like the movies . After he left , I went to feed my betta fish , Bob , and found him belly up in his tank . Dead . We met when I was nineteen or so . His fingers stretched over the strings of his guitar like no musician I had ever seen ; his tongue glanced across his lips as he concentrated on the beat . I didn 't notice him , not at first . A bit of a diva , I was more interested in holding a microphone and singing with the church band than I was in looking for a relationship . He gave the appearance of caring more about his music than the people around him , just like his mother who played piano beside him . I 'm not sure he ever looked my way . I only looked his way because his mother was our leader . Actually , it was his sister who noticed me first . She was desperate for a best friend , and I was just lonely because I never really hung out with people . One night after rehearsal I went over to her house for dinner with her and her family . He was there , of course , with his mother and father and brother . His mother suggested that we rent a movie , and he drove us to the video store on the corner between the Shell gas station and the liquor store . I wandered the aisles as he laughed and horsed around with his siblings . They wanted me to pick something to watch , but my only real knowledge of them was that they were deeply religious . We rented something silly , something from the line of Beethoven movies with the giant St . Bernard . It was more fun to hang out at his house than mine ; I was renting a small room from a coworker at that point with a closet and a computer desk and a murphy bed that folded up into the wall during the day . It was so much fun , in fact , that when his sister invited me to move in with them while we saved to get our own apartment together , I said yes . I don 't remember how it happened , whether it was before or after I moved in , but he asked his sister for permission to take me out on a date . It was very important , he told me later , to ask for her permission , because she had claimed me first . I remember thinking that was an odd choice of phrase - " Claimed me " - but it made sense . She and I were friends before he even knew me , and if things didn 't work out between us , she would lose a friend . I remember that she was like me . Different . A little off the beaten path . A little lacking in friends . But at the time when he asked me to dinner just the two of us , she didn 't matter . I said yes . I wanted more than anything to be a part of their idyllic Christian family . Our after dinner first date activity was going to see " Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban . " He didn 't tell me then , but he had never read the books or seen the previous movies and picked it for our date because he knew I would like it . I , who had never had a real dating relationship or any kind , automatically assumed that meant he loved me . One more dinner and a movie , and I agreed to go steady . At nineteen , I 'm not sure I knew what that meant , the level of commitment I was making . I was certain no other boy would ever love me , and I knew that I was supposed to get married , so I made a commitment for the first boy who asked . No normal boy my age had ever looked at me . The only date I ever went on was during high school , to the junior prom , and it was the worst night I 'd ever had in school . When he looked at me at dinner that night , long strands of spaghetti twirling around his fork and a smudge of marinara sauce on his right cheek , it was like I was being seen , really , seen , for the first time . His gaze was flooded with the possibility of a future that as a young child I had never imagined I would have - a boyfriend , marriage , babies , true love . It is hard now to remember the good times , much easier to remember the bad ; the bad is what sticks the most , what hurts the most . I think I thought that because he paid attention to me and wanted to spend time with me that he loved me . I must have believed he was the only one who would ever want to be with me ; I must have stayed because I was certain there was no other man who would love me . His sister got engaged and married shortly after , so it was natural for us to get married too . It all seemed so ordinary , a natural progression of events . At J . C . Penney 's , where we had our wedding registry , there were scanner guns for couples to tour the store and capture the barcodes of merchandise for their lists . He wanted expensive things - the best couch , the biggest television , the softest bed . I was more interested in the smaller things - a matching set of dishes , a blender , towels for the bathroom . Big , loud , and perfect , versus small , quiet , and necessary were our personalities in a nutshell . We were nothing alike . He was not quite six feet tall , the perfect height for my five and a half foot self to rest my head on his shoulder . He didn 't have an ounce of fat on him , and his lanky body was capped off with a spiky head of hair two shades lighter than mine in its natural state . He was always a pretty boy ; he spent more time in the bathroom each day getting ready than I spent in front of the mirror all week and was always encouraging me to do more for my looks - curl my hair , put on makeup . I did what he wanted because I wanted him to love me back as much as I thought I loved him . I remember a girl . A very different girl from now . At 19 , she had stringy brown hair to the middle of her back and hadn 't yet learned to smile , because she had been a grown up for much too long . She sat the the piano in your dark basement , hardly any lights on , and played a duet with you . She was looking for something , but she didn 't know what back then , 12 years before now . She lifted her hands off the black and white keys , turned to you , and said those fateful words : They told her she would be the one to sink the marriage rowboat . Her baggage would weigh everything down , destroy everything , if she didn 't take proper care of it . There was no mention of his baggage ; there was no mention of you . You would come with your own baggage , a shadow of unspoken pain and regret over the marriage of the boy and the girl while causing years of hurt on a different line of that from their relationship . Or maybe the same line ; maybe he learned to cause pain from you . You painted the girl as someone she wasn 't , so much and so brightly that it became reality in her circumstance . You made her less than . Not good enough . You told her who to be : A good Christian wife . Supportive . Kind . A hard worker . A listener . A right arm to your son , and a left as well when he metaphorically cut both arms off . You told her to be perfect . You built her up . Then you tore her down . You told her she had failed ; you told her she was none of the things she was supposed to be . When she finally left your son , you contacted everyone she was connected to . Told them not to trust her . Told them she would fail . Always . Fail . Again and again . And for quite a while , the girl did fail . For years , she has watched . Waited . Looking for something . For you . When you showed up at work ; when you tried to FaceTime ; when you stalked her online , she knew . Every three days like clockwork , her profile notified her you were there , still looking . She was afraid of you . She 's not a failure . She is everything she is supposed to be ; she is NONE of the things you pinned on her . She tells herself a new story now , her own story , apart from you and apart from him . She is strong and powerful and loved . She is supportive , but not submissive . She works hard , but she works for herself . She is brave , and she is reaching out to shape her own destiny . She is her own person , making her own decisions . I am told that , on this day , I need to say goodbye to you . And so , I shall . I do not remember the first day we met ; I wonder if that 's some sort of sign . I just remember knowing you . I watched you from across the stage , playing the guitar while I taught people to sing the alto lines . I 'm not sure why I was watching , but I was . I don 't remember the first time we spoke . I don 't remember much about that time at all . My first kiss came when I was seventeen years old . I was working as a volunteer at a church coffeehouse in my hometown , where kids went every Friday night in an attempt to hide from the real world . My job involved roaming the floor and making sure people stayed out of trouble , checking the bathrooms to shoo out underage smokers , and occasionally brewing coffee . That night , however , I was trying to be seen . I wanted someone to notice me . Anyone . And Adam walked by . He put his hand on my shoulder , I drew him in towards the Coke machine , and I kissed him . I didn 't care about him . I tightened my fingers in his hair and kissed him again . He leaned into it this time , his lips responding to mine and his tongue finding its way into my mouth . We only separated when the kids around us started wolf - whistling . His eyes searched mine , inquisitive , but the blood rushed to my face and I looked away . I want to see if I could still feel . Apparently , I could . When I was a kid , I did not believe I would ever get married . There were a lot of reasons for that . One , I wasn 't interested . Two , there wasn 't really anybody out there . Three , I didn 't believe anyone would ever ask me . And then someone did . I firmly believed that there would never be anybody else . I knew it wasn 't a good fit , but I thought I didn 't have a choice . I got on the first ship that sailed by , because I believed there would never be another . I remember leaving you . Many times . I knew how uncertain I was , yet I went with it anyway ; I kept coming back to you . And while I 'm sorry for that , I 'm also not . The path I took got me where I am now , and while I wish many of the things that had happened along the way had never happened , I wouldn 't be where I am had I not taken the path I had . The time we had together is forever tarnished , the bad outweighing the good tenfold . I remember all of the bad things you said , the lessons you taught me , the idea that I wasn 't worth anything . I remember these things , but not the good milestones . Not the things I should remember . You played on the internal dialogues I had previously created ; I let you do it . I was wrong , but so were you . Marriage does not equate to ownership , and all rights of any kind were dissolved the day those vows went ignored . You can 't make up for what happened . You may think you have stripped me of something , and maybe you did . But you also gave me a gift . I am stronger now . Powerful . Connected . Brave . This is what you are up against . I am stronger on my own now than I ever was with you , with anyone . All of my life , I have let other people dictate my actions . That 's not all on them ; that 's on me too . I am horribly codependent . There are probably many reasons for this , but I don 't understand all of them . There are a lot of things in life that I do not understand , but one thing I am certain of is that I have given you much too much of my precious time . You made me feel unworthy of my own time , my own space , when I am anything but . I can 't devote anything more to you . In the spirit of that thought , it is time to let you go . Wherever you are , on this , what would have been our anniversary , I hope that you are thinking of me . I hope that you are sorry ; I doubt that you are . You took a lot from me . I want to take what I can back . In years past , I have burned our wedding invitation . Visited the church where we were married . Sat quietly by myself and done nothing . But I have never actually said goodbye . I thought I couldn 't let you go , but maybe letting go is not the physical thing I thought of it as . Maybe it is simply denying you anymore power . Fall semester one year ago , I took what I to this day believe to be the worst class in the world . It was an environmental science class . Science is not my forte to begin with , but the concept sounded interesting so I went with it for my science gen - ed . The last class before our first exam , the professor passed out a sheet labelled " Exam 1 Study Guide . " Common logic would assume that the things on the sheet should be studied for Exam One . Rather than stick with my normal study habits of flashcards and highlighting / annotating the textbook , I decided to study the study guide instead . I grew incredibly frustrated with the course . I skipped quite a few days ; I stopped paying attention in lectures that I did attend , except when I had to take notes for a friend who was absent . I didn 't really study . I got A 's on the homework , but not on exams . The course gets the honor of my one and only B minus . I don 't believe I 've ever had one before , in college or even high school . The thing is , I brought it on myself . I gave up . I stopped trying . I am mad at the world right now , and it 's bleeding through into my life . I have heard the phrase " you brought this on yourself " one too many times , and I 'm officially feeling horrible . There is a difference between bringing things on yourself and having them happen to you . As much as it hurts , and as much it feels like it sometimes , we really aren 't magnets . The excuse was made that it 's men and that they don 't know any better . That isn 't true , and the idea is a shit show . I KNOW that there are men out there who know better . I know . I can count the number of people I legitimately trust on one hand . For real . I tried to let a new person into this circle ( though only because I was forced to . ) He asked me a series of questions . I took precautions to make this work ; I asked for the things I needed like I thought I was supposed to do . The door was open . I could see out into the hall ; I could see that I wasn 't in trouble . But hell if it didn 't feel like I was going to die . Because there is no one - syllable answer for that question . There is no one word that can sum up my feelings . There aren 't twenty , or even a hundred . It isn 't possible . This is as close as I come to accepting these things as part of my past . I didn 't answer . So he filled the silence . He asked if I knew that I need to be " normal . " I need to be able to be in a room with a man with the door closed . I need to be able to interact with all members of the universe without fear . I need to snap out of myself . " You should be able to do it , " he told me , with an emphasis on the should that implied I was a massive screw - up . Here I was , proud of myself for showing up at all , and here he was proving my worst fear . There is a guy at school with whom things have become … weird . He asked me out on a date once , but it became very apparent that I was not ( nor will I probably ever be ) ready to be in any kind of relationship . Not only is he significantly younger ( ten years ) than me , we 're very different people . This doesn 't mean that there is anything wrong with either one of us ; it just means that we don 't fit . I 've tried to explain this to him , and I flounder at the idea that he doesn 't understand . I don 't know how I could have made it more clear . I just want things to not be awkward . I want us to work together like grown - ups . But I don 't know that it will happen , and that 's not a fault of mine . I 've tried . Did I bring this on myself ? Because I was hurt in the past and scared and not in want or need for a relationship ? Is it my fault that it 's a stressor now ? Entirely possible . I know people who think so . I just wish they wouldn 't say it . It only reaffirms what is already tangled up inside my head . We talked about captivity narratives in one of my classes today , and about fault . What it means to be captive versus what it means to be free . The first one in the book ( that we read ) was by a woman named Mary Rowlandson . We got on the discussion of why the Indians in these narratives didn 't rape the women . ( Not all Indians raped women ; that 's a horrible stereotype . ) The question bounced around the room several times . The professor pointed out that Mary was bound and not allowed to make her own decisions . She was captive to the choices of other people and to God . She didn 't choose to go . She didn 't want to be kidnapped . She didn 't bring it on herself . I cried . It was short and brief and no one saw . But I cried . On day four . I let myself down . Did I bring this on myself too , this struggle to handle certain course materials ? I stayed in school . Does the fact that I actually SPOKE in my classes today balance out the fact that I cried in one ? Is it okay to sometimes be okay and sometimes not ? I don 't know how to answer this . I don 't know that there is an answer . I don 't think anyone is normal . By accepting the suggestion that the triggers in the after are brought on by , well , me , I am ( at least in part ) taking responsibility for everything . The assault , the loss , the marriage . I am negating the progress I have made . And the people who say it , the people who tell me " you brought this on yourself , " they don 't know the implications of how much their words spiral inside my brain . I can 't be mad at them . I can wish they would know differently . I can wish I could explain it . But I can 't be angry , because part of me knows that the words don 't have a grain of truth in them . I didn 't ask for any of my past to happen to me . I didn 't ask to be hurt . I am not a magnet with an on button that allows me to draw the shit to me . These things just happened . They happened to me . And when people say " you brought this on yourself , " it 's my choice what I choose to do with that , just like it was my direction which way to go after . Sometimes it feels like I can 't do it , like I don 't fit , like I never will . And other times I know the answer and I 'm me again . Those confident times are emerging more and more . I 'm pushing through and I 'm trying ; I 'm bringing them on myself . It is , as always , my choice . Sometimes when you read something really poignant , it sticks with you even if the original topic is not what you yourself are considering . I read something in the blog of an amazing writer I know today that really made think . Perhaps it was the day I had today , or perhaps I just saw something in her words : I couldn 't figure out why this thought bugged me until now . I remember . I remember that I never really wanted my relationship ; I remember that I didn 't dive in with both feet . That I didn 't dive in at all . I just sort of … fell . The night that I knew I was going to marry my ( now ) ex was actually a morning . One in the morning , in fact . I was coming home from a twelve hour shift at the gas station I was running . The day had been a cesspool of retail - related drama , and I wanted nothing more than to go home to my apartment , sink onto the couch , and devour my brand new DVD - " Joan of Arcadia " Season One . As I was driving down the dark unlit road into our tiny town , I had a thought . I wanted to see him . I had worked all day , I was exhausted , but I wanted to see him . Instead of turning to my house , I went the opposite direction and parked in front of his around the corner . We sat at the piano together that night and both uttered the l - word . Two months before our wedding , we left the church we had been attending due to a series of unfortunate events with my ex 's mother . We found another church for relatively cheap , but we lost our catering and our minister . We had to find someone else to do the marriage counseling . But someone we found all of these things in just enough time . As one thing fell apart , another thing solved itself . Around and around and around . The night before my wedding , I remember sitting on my bed with my then best friend as she painted my toenails silver and told me I was making a horrible mistake . She believed , with all of her heart , that I would die if I married him . " Maybe God has another plan for you . Maybe the fact that the wedding plans kept falling apart is a sign that He wants you somewhere else . He 's not good for you . " She thought that she would never see me again . I didn 't understand what she meant until hours after she left . It was three in the morning , and I was staring at my ceiling . I had been incredibly excited about the wedding , the pretty dress and the flowers and my family and friends . But did I love him ? Was I excited about him ? Was I making the wrong choice ? The fact that she was the third friend to cry upon realizing I was really going to marry him perhaps should have been an indication . In my heart , I believed there wasn 't anyone else out there for me . Two weeks after my decision to , as I put it in my head " marry that boy someday , " I had to ban him from coming inside my apartment . I believed in the idea of not having sex outside of marriage , and he did not . He claimed to . But things were different when it was dark and the lights were down , when we were alone . I wasn 't comfortable with him anymore , and I told him he couldn 't come over alone again until we were married . He became quite angry . One thing led to another , and then we were in the parking lot of the building and I was on the ground with a boatload of pain in my elbow . He had shoved me to the ground . I got in the car and drove away , ignoring his frantic pounding on the windows . But when he followed me in his own car and cut me off in the middle of the country highway , I listened to his apology . I went back . I believed he could change . I also knew that he was the only one who would ever love me . We got back from our honeymoon , and I had to go to work the very next night . I didn 't have any time after church to go home and wanted to go through a drive - thru . He informed me that the three dollars I spent were my three dollars to eat off of for the day . There would be no more food money after that . That was the beginning of the end of things . Day thirteen . But it would take me over five years and a lot of tragedy to figure that out . I believe that we can find ourselves in relationships for the wrong reasons . I didn 't want to be alone , so I married the first person who came along . I tried to love him , and I tried to change him . But I couldn 't love him because I didn 't love myself , and I couldn 't change him because nobody has the power to change anybody else . I let him change me . While the decisions were made by him , I didn 't do anything to stop him . I didn 't know how . I can see that now , and I know better than I did then . I let our relationship mess my life up so badly that I couldn 't tell up from down by the time I left it . Even though we 're apart now , the remains still linger in my soul , my life . I 'm just now learning how to separate myself from them and take the steps I need to towards who I really am .
Often they would take Amtrak from Florida , through Chicago , to Colorado to see me , then onto California . They had no particular schedule . When they arrived in Denver , they always had stories from their trip , people they had met . Dad was super shy , mom was extremely outgoing . They had a blast . The phone rang in the middle of the night . When I answered , the connection was poor and it took me a second to realize it was my mom . She was upset . I was instantly alert . Their train had gone off the tracks in Arizona . As it jumped the track , it fell over sideways and down a ravine . After she and my dad had helped everyone they could , they began the climb up the steep slope . A young man was kind enough to let my mom use his cell phone . The connection was poor but I was at least able to learn they were not part of the group going to stay overnight in the hospital . She was so shaken . She kept saying , " We 're too old for this , Alexa , the train ran right off the tracks and down a big hill . " I realized she was in shock . Well , I was in shock . I asked what she knew about how I could find her after she got away from the wreckage . She told me that firefighters and medical people were the only ones around and she just had no idea but needed to return the phone and would call me again . She was gone . An hour later , I made coffee because sleep was out of the question . I began looking around , online and finally saw some information about the accident . My parents were there ! This was so frightening . I heard nothing for 12 hours . I was trying not to be totally frantic . I probably cancelled my business day to wait by the phone . I do not remember much about that day . She finally called again to say they had been put on a bus , taken somewhere I cannot remember , then put on a train and would be in Denver in 6 more hours . Ok . I organized myself and headed to the Mile High City to hug my parents . They had come for my birthday . Our visit was filled with ' what if ' and ' thank goodness ' types of conversations . I really have little memory of that visit . We were all tired , they were so sore all over their bodies and bearing in mind that they were 70 years old , it was too much to absorb . My mom passed away when she was 77 . Alzheimer 's had really made a mess of who she had been . My dad lasted longer than anyone expected , such a love shared and such a huge loss . I am living in Washington State now and during a workout , I injured my leg somehow . After being misdiagnosed with a muscle injury , the MRI showed my extruded disc and broken tailbone . Well , no WONDER it hurt to walk and try to work out . I started physical therapy . I became a regular at the clinic , everyone trying to recover from various issues smiling and saying hello . One day I arrived 20 minutes early so settled with a book in the waiting room . I was chatting with a woman and her husband , until her appointment and he left . A biker walked in . This guy was big . He was wearing his HOG jacket and lots of chain type things . His face was weathered ; he appeared to be around 70 . We struck up a conversation . He was wearing a doo wrap , bandana of the US flag . I asked what he had done to end up in a place like this . He reached down , pulled his jean leg up to reveal a prosthetic leg . When he walked in , I just assumed he bent a little because of a back injury or something . I waddled for 3 years after my 3 discs broke . I asked him how he lost his leg . He said he was an engineer . An Amtrak engineer . He derailed years ago into a creek bed in Arizona . He lost his leg under some wreckage . Tears were immediate . I asked what year . What time . The answers were already familiar . I told him my parents had been on that train . We had to hug . He apologized for my parents ' bad luck and asked about them . I told him other than shock , they had been fine , just sore . I told him my mom had passed 2 years earlier . We just stared at each other , holding hands . It was odd but it was right . Then he was the one who said it . " How likely is it that I am in a city 100 miles away from my home , in a rehab clinic because of my accident , you are here , you actually ASK about me , and your parents were with me during the accident ? " I had to say , " I don 't believe for a second that this is an accident . " What a full circle moment . I asked about the derailment . Someone had sabotaged the track and a section was missing . I had not known these details , so grateful just to have my family intact physically . It was a dangerous place to jump track . He was so grateful to know my parents were not badly hurt . The derailment happened at 130 in the morning . Total darkness . It was miraculous that so many survived . I went into my rehab appointment . When I came out , he was gone . I got into my car , started crying , and called my brother . What a story I had to share . Posted by Alexa on February 15th , 2011 Something is happening . As I progress to the inevitable , I recognize how many before me have dealt with the very same issues . I hope to show grace during my tenure . My elders are leaving the planet faster than before . Some are great friends ; some are dear family . It is difficult to endure but everyone knows the transition must come . I keep seeing the same scenario : who gets or wants what . Even as I begin my relocation , people ' shop ' my belongings , knowing I have to downsize . They love me . They love my things . They want my things . Sometimes I am thrilled to give things to certain friends , as a memory of our relationship . Sometimes I would appreciate people recognizing that I love these things , that I have treasured them , and that I am out of money and asking for my belongings as gifts could get a little old . I am not being selfish with my things . I have given more business clothes away , designer clothes , evening clothes , and accessories than I ever realized I owned . I will never use these things again and I want them to make someone feel good , or happy or well dressed . Fine . I am getting rid of furniture constantly . Then , there are the collections that I need to sell to pay for my move . Friends want them , at a huge discount . I have written before that I recognize how little something actually costs when you have owned it for years . It is miniscule . There are still times that I find it a little hard on my heart to have people ask if they can have an obviously expensive item for no cost . I realize they will sell my treasure . I no longer have time to sell the small stuff . Maybe I have just had too many people ask in too short a time . I know they mean no harm . It just causes an odd feeling . I have become a thrift shop . I ask my step kids and my nieces and nephews about things they might want . I have asked my sisters . That is my choice . If I can get things to people before I pack , we both win . I think sometimes people forget that I have family to consider . I think sometimes people forget losing your favorite things does not feel as good as they feel , sniffing out a bargain . As my relatives reach their ending , the family is already asking for things . I admit I used to have the same thoughts . I reached a conclusion years ago : I would prefer having the memories of spending time with my family . If they decide they want or need more money and I cannot help them enough , I hope they sell everything and live on the proceeds . I would be thrilled to see them well enough to take a trip around the world ; selling off every single item , they own to finance it . No inheritance is necessary . It was never mine to begin with . None of these things belongs to me . They belong to the person who actually owns them . The person who remembers why and where they purchased that item and the memory that belongs to the storyline . It is not mine . It is not yours . It is not OK to begin pestering people for ' when they die ' . I heard someone not long ago ask if she could go ahead and take a table , since she was going to get it anyway . I almost gave her my jewelry because after that comment , I was about to die right then . A very dear relative of mine says that my brother , a nephew , and I are the only people not expecting things from her demise . It made her sad . It broke my heart . When I see her , I always ask about family , about where she purchased things , what the reason was . I love to see the history of items and think about when she and her husband were young and furnishing their homes . Those are cherished memories , not things that ' would look good in my place ' . So , as I craft my new will , making lists of things that will go to my relatives who will live much longer than I care to , I try not to be offended by the things I 've already had people ask me to ' gift ' them . Selfish as it seems , I am still using some of my things . All of us are . They will one day be a gift . When that day comes , enjoy , appreciate , and have a kind word to say about the true owner . I needed to pack a large box , filled with wrapped presents and a Santa I was sending to a niece , from my collection ( I will catch the rest of you next year - my bad ) . Huge undertaking . Had not started . Finally , realized time was of the essence . I spent an evening wrapping each item , and then I filled a huge box with peanuts , shredded paper , and contained everything in a large carton . Needed to print a label , make some serious ' this side UP ' signs on the box with a fat magic market , and then get the boxes out of here . I will look later . Right now , I need to pack another box . This is for my sister . I bought her gifts 6 weeks ago and meant to wrap them . Dammit . Ok , ok , deep breath . I can manage this . So , I have wrapped . I have packed . I have put the boxes into my car , to get to the mail center tomorrow . It is already too late to have them shipped by the post office . Time IS of the essence ! It is also 3 in the morning . Woke up too late ! Had a bad night . Forgot to set the alarm . Cannot remember what I did and why I slept far too late . Not a day to drive . Too ditzy . Trying to remember what I was supposed to accomplish today . Dammit . I got up early the next day . I had a little bit of coffee , just so I can actually drive , and went to the mail center . I got there at eight . I am golden . I came home to have more coffee . I am relieved . I am also really sick . The relief is better than the sick . Maybe I can finally get some rest . I revere this day . My flag is out early . Beautiful . As I am having coffee , I begin my calls . It does not take long . Many of my veteran relatives have passed . We are losing such an important generation . My granddaddy served in WWI . He was always so proud of his service . He was a very soft - spoken man . I have his casket flag in a case , on my wall ; with a commemorative , ' plate ' that was evidently popular at the time . My step - dad , James Wells , passed last year . He served in the Philippines . I had always called him to thank him for his service . He was always embarrassed that I would even mention it . His brother , my uncle also served . Horace Wells was a diver , tasked with finding explosives around our boats , ships , and subs . He passed away 2 months ago . My father , Frank Conway served in Germany , in the occupation and in Korea when the war was hot . He was an aerial gunner for a time . They had a very short life expectancy . The Army sent him to OCS ( officer 's candidate school ) and his entire platoon shipped to Korea without him . Enemy forces killed the entire platoon the day they landed . He has never come to terms with that . He is proud of his military service . His very large family also had veterans . They were all Navy . Dad went Army . His father missed the civil war by less than 10 years . My brother , Larry Conway served 2 terms in Viet Nam . He came home wounded . He is proud of his service , but he will never be the young man we said good - by to in Jacksonville when he was 19 . Larry holds himself responsible for a young man who did not come home from an air mission . The 2 crew - members were shot down , KIA and Larry felt responsible . My opinion was that a wonderful angel pushed my brother out of the way . I am grateful . He is ashamed . Our wounded are coming home in record numbers . Now they include more women than our system is accustomed to accommodating . With that in mind , I now take ' women magazines ' to the VA centers . I take them books that I have enjoyed , gardening and fashion magazines , anything I think they might have been missing during the last year or two . It is no longer a man 's world . It is our world . Everyone 's ' world . Posted by Alexa on October 23rd , 2010 It is a nasty time of year . The leaves have begun to fall . The pine needles need constant raking . The rain makes for muddy footprints in the house . He beat me to a pulp one day in New York . We had dated for about 2 years . He drank too much . I could see it coming . I told him I was getting concerned that he might hurt me . He was surprised and honestly stunned at the idea . He told me that he had a tendency to do things to hurt him , not others . We got up early one Sunday to go for brunch . He decided to have a drink . It was 8AM . I could not understand the need . That was a warning I allowed to sink into my brain . He wanted scotch before we went to breakfast . We had mimosas with our brunch . We were having fun , flirting . We were in a very nice , well - known NY restaurant . I saw it happen . His face darkened . He was angry . He began to berate me , taunt me . I sat , still , afraid to move . Then he pushed away , forcing the table onto me , everything spilled onto my dress . He stood , glared , exited . A man and woman at the next table looked at me . He asked if I was ok . I was dumbfounded . I was in shock . I was disbelieving . I was frightened . I was humiliated . Yet , I assured him I was fine . I got a cab . I had to return to our apartment . All of my clothes were there , my airline tickets , belongings , money , and ID . When I returned , he was asleep ( passed out ) and I began quietly packing . I think it was the click of my suitcase lock . He was on me immediately . He screamed , furious that I was packing , calling me names , and hitting me . I fell ; I tried to shield myself , without success as he continually hit and pushed and threw me . Finally , I hit him . I hit him in self - defense , almost afraid to hit because as a woman , no one had trained me to hit . I do not even know where my ' punch ' landed . I only know what happened next . " You hit me ! " " How DARE YOU ! " he screamed . Then , the beating took on a new urgency . He threw me onto the floor , began to kick , throw things onto me , and kept screaming at me , calling me names . Somehow , I got to my feet , and hit the intercom button on the wall . I screamed and screamed . In minutes , someone was at the door . I got to the door ahead of him . When I opened it , a neighbor and the security guard were standing there . I said , " He is hitting me . " they were speechless . He was a beloved neighbor . A young , upwardly mobile man beautifully dressed , polite . Angry . The woman came into the apartment while I picked up the rest of my belongings . She saw that he had ripped my clothing from me . He had even torn my leather belt in half . I was dressed again , but disheveled and able to leave . Oddly , he was in the shower . She never saw him . As I think about that time in my life , I have realized how much he resented what I was seeing . " You hit me " " how dare you . " it makes sense to me now . His weakness was an affront . How DARE I see that side of him ? How dare I become someone to see the real man ? How dare me . It let him know what a little person he was . He was 6 ' 3 and yet smaller than my 5 ' 7 frame . How dare I show him to be so small ? I learned that once a person hits , it will come again . You need out . You cannot trust yourself or that ' hitting person ' . Make plans . Leave . I saw him once after that . We met in a public place , allowing him to try to convince me it was all ok . It was early on a Sunday morning . I could smell the alcohol . Posted by Alexa on August 24th , 2010 People watch me in the grocery store . Decades ago I was watched because I was attractive . Now , it is a different situation : I am on food stamps . Women watch what I place on the belt to checkout . I have no shame . I am so grateful for the financial help right now . I get food stamps . Thank YOU . I have had no income for almost 2 years . I felt guilty to ask for help . A social worker suggested it and I am grateful . I get food stamps ! So many people have misconceptions about government help . My dad once said that anyone homeless just did not want to work . As a single woman , I knew better . I was part of the huge group . Missing one or two paychecks would mean I could not pay my bills . I was a flight attendant . To some people I earned great money . The thing is , when you travel for a living , you also spend more . The cutbacks at our airline were legend . We began flying more and earning much less . I knew I was on the precipice . My dad simply did not understand . It was black or white . More importantly , having never been in such a situation , it meant that nobody honest could . He was mistaken . When my airline job crumbled , I began working in earnest , to pay my mortgage . Amazingly , the phone company , the utility company , and many others worked with me . They saw my huge credit history and knew I was not a bum . They put bills on hold while I reconnoitered . The mortgage company sent me a letter . If my payment was late , they would foreclose . Just like that . I took every job I could . I did landscape work , I sold sandwiches from my trunk , I cleaned gutters and downspouts , weeded flowerbeds every evening , walked dogs early every morning , watered gardens while owners were away . On the weekends , I washed and waxed cars . It was hard . 7 jobs every week . I earned enough to pay my mortgage . I got food at the local food bank . It was humiliating . The woman handing out the choices gave me peanut butter . I cannot eat that . When I suggested she save it for a woman with children , she told me that I must not be very hungry . Humiliating . The difference between then and now is that I was only 38 . I had my entire life ahead of me and was strong smart and industrious . Now I am 61 . I am not so good physically or mentally . I get food stamps . I see women in the store , using their stamps , and look at their choices . I am not being critical ; I am trying to learn . So many things are not included but you have to buy them to exist . No cleaning supplies . No light bulbs . Light bulbs in my home are a huge expense . Moreover , they are expensive . I try to buy CFL 's but now it is prohibitive . No pet food or cat litter . No personal hygiene products . No laundry detergent or softener sheets or bleach . Just FOOD . I am beyond grateful . I get food stamps . I do not smoke but I certainly see the huge cost . People addicted to cigarettes have to feed that addiction . They have no choice . You do not stop smoking because you have run out of money . It is as powerful an addiction as heroin or meth . Your body makes you continue . You have no choice . Stopping is so difficult and society already hates smokers so the added shame of the addiction feeds the problem . Medications . I take a ton of them . Between my brain injury , my blood sugar , my Cholesterol , my general stress of life circumstances , bills and an impending divorce , I take a ton of meds . They are not food . They are not covered . I buy wine . Yep . I buy wine . I do not buy it nearly as often . I do not buy the 35 - dollar bottles I used to get . I buy 6 - dollar wine , on sale . Right now , it makes me almost feel normal . A few days a month , I can have wine with dinner again . Like things used to be . Before I got food stamps , before my life turned upside down . You get a certain amount per month . Nothing more . It is up to you to decide how to parcel that money . I cannot pay for gas for my car , cannot pay for my utility bill , and cannot pay to see my doctor or light , cool or heat my home . No cosmetics or bath products . I can buy certain foods . Next time you are shopping , look at your cart as you check out . Bear in mind that many people will not feel you have the right to certain things in your basket . They might judge . If you are on food stamps . Testing was intense . 5 hours of sitting in a small office , doing all types of things to show how my brain works , if at all . This is necessary because of several brain injuries and Alzheimer 's is being rampant in my family . As I prepare to move , I need to plan based on my hope to live independently . The man ( psychologist ) was just as you would expect . He ' tried ' to be fun , but is , after all , something of a scientist , anal , orderly , and controlled . My polar opposite . While I took tests , he observed and surreptitiously scribbled secret notes . I asked if I might please have some water . He grabbed a coffee cup and obviously saw the horror on my face as he started to fill the dark brown - stained cup for me . He stopped . I had not meant to show my concern . I must have been fatigued . He said , " This bothers women , " pointing to the stains inside the cup . I agreed ( wholeheartedly ) . He said , " It doesn 't bother men , why does it bother women ? " I told him that most of us would fear the cup was not clean . I went on to say my brother had a heavily stained coffee cup . He carries it with him everywhere . Once , without realizing my transgression , I cleaned it . Thoroughly . I did the old ' Polident ' tablet in the cup , twice . Then , I took a scouring pad to the offensive stains . The next morning , after putting it through the dishwasher , I proudly handed him his pristine cup . He asked what I had done . I told him I had just cleaned it , as if it were no big deal . My brother left . When he returned , he had a new cup . He did not openly complain . After a year or so , his new cup looked just as bad as the one I had spent hours cleaning . He was happy again . I had clearly ruined his cup . I learned the lesson . This man across from me asked if I needed a different cup . I said no ( I lied ) . After another section of testing , he asked me how to remove the stains . Amazingly , men know that women fight stains . We get no extra salary for this . We get no recognition but men know we fight stains . We are wonder women without the snazzy costume and lasso . I told him to put a Polident tablet in it . The look on his face was so odd . He almost looked embarrassed . Then he explained that he does not wear dentures . I smiled slightly and leaned over the table . I said , " You know , it 's interesting . You are allowed to buy them anyway . ' They ' don 't even check . " He just stared at me . I could see I was not getting through to him . So , l leaned in a bit further and said , " In Texas , men are even allowed to buy sanitary napkins . " That did it . He broke . He laughed . He saw the humor . Two hours passed , immersed in the paperwork and the various tasks I was given . He finally saw that I needed a break . He told me I could take 10 minutes . I almost felt as if a lock was taken from the chain that held me in place at that small table . I bolted . When I returned , I carried a large cup of coffee , extra shots . He was noticeably concerned . I apologized for bringing something into the exam room , assuming that was some sort of ' rule ' . It confused me , though , because we had been sitting there , drinking water from cups . He explained that the testing materials were very expensive and spilling coffee on them would be a problem . I was mortified that I could not be trusted with my cup of coffee , even though I am not known for being sloppy with beverages . Each time I took a sip , he watched carefully . It was an agonizing drink . During the time I consumed it , he explained twice more the expense of the materials . I knew I was on thin ice . He turned a page in my booklet in front of me . There was crayon all over the page ahead of it . I asked how crayon got on this expensive booklet and how he could possibly expect me to use it , thus ruined . He was serious : " children are not easily controlled . " He went on to explain he had tried to get the crayon out of the page , to no avail . He asked if I might know of a way to remove the crayon . He asked if I needed a new booklet . He simply cannot help himself . He is a serious type . During one part of switching materials , I asked him how long he had been married although I felt certain he was divorced . He did not want to share that information , which was fine . He DID mention that the crushing blow to the union was the desire of his wife to have a pet . He explained that a pet means there would eventually be a pet hair somewhere that it " doesn 't belong . " I had enough of a mental picture and needed no other explanation . As we were reaching the end of the testing , he was rushing me . We were behind schedule . I realized what a huge transgression that was so I was doing my best to accelerate . He announced that we would not be able to finish but he thought he had enough to complete his analysis . I am edgy about the results . I am hopeful but recognize it is just going to be my life and I cannot control the outcome too much . I want to take a piece of cat hair . I just can 't help myself . Posted by Alexa on July 4th , 2010 I had a dream about my mom last night . She passed away several years ago . Any dream of her is a treat , even when the news delivered is not fun , I still had the opportunity to be with my mom again . I dreamed that she was helping me pack . It was not a great time . I was moving to a small efficiency apartment , for the rest of my conscious life . She explained to me that eventually , as I already recognize , I would be ' discovered ' and moved to full care . Alzheimer 's disease is rampant in our family . I have suffered 4 severe concussions . I know my limits . The dream was daunting . I finally saw my future and it was not great . A small efficiency . That meant a one bedroom , one bath , small fridge and small stove , small living room . I have been here before . When my mom left my dad , she left with one suitcase . Many in my extended family have never understood this . We were a military family , living abroad . The military person controls everything in the family unit . My mom and dad had been married 26 years . She left with a suitcase . Her allowance was 40 pounds . Think about that . Everything they had acquired together was under his control . As I look at my bleak - seeming future , I sense her immense fear . My mom never faltered . In my eyes , in my brother 's eyes , she never faltered . Privately , I later learned , she cried into her pillow . Once she left , she went to the city in which she had spent most of her life . She got 2 jobs . She lived at the YWCA . She took the bus . She walked to work . She saved every penny . We would have appeared to others to be wealthy . We lived in a 4 bedroom , 3 - bath house , based on my dad 's high rank . We had a housekeeper , a cook . At one location , we had had a housekeeper , a cook , a gardener , a repairperson , and a nanny , on staff . It depended on where you were stationed . Therefore , we had a good life . I joined her after a few months . Life with my dad had become difficult . She was thrilled . She bought me a ticket to fly from Europe to New York , to Florida . She met me in New York . I can only imagine the huge amount of money she spent for this . My dad did not help with the costs . He was angry that I was leaving . I had to leave . When I arrived in New York , I had to clear customs alone , 13 years old . It was way over my head . My mom was standing in the upper levels of that most incredible terminal , JFK , watching , and dying for my inexperience . In those days , nobody helped kids alone on flights . Unheard of today but this was 1966 . When we could finally embrace , it was lasting . We got on a flight . Amazingly , it was an Eastern Airlines flight . I later flew for Eastern and had never put the two together . After a few years , my mom reminded me that we had come to Florida on Eastern . I just remember the flight attendant being so kind . We were in first class . Holy moly . The only tickets left on the flight . Mom not only had to pay to get me from Europe to the US , she also had to pay for 2 first class tickets to get us to Florida . A huge expense for a woman working 2 jobs , no car , no place to live . We spent our first night in a relative 's home . The next day we moved into our own place . My nose could not have been higher in the air . We lived in an efficiency apartment . It was dreadful . In my spoiled life , I had never shared a bedroom . Now , my mom and I were sleeping together , in one bed . We had a small bathroom , a very small living room , and a ' kitchenette ' . I was blown away . I am sure I was not grateful . She had worked so hard to start a new life for herself , then to add me , at my request . She was killing herself to make something for us both , and I was haughty with disrespect . Spoiled . I began high school where she and my relatives had gone to school . I walked . I had been driving in Germany . You got an international license when you were 14 , so driving at 13 was typical . We were poor . I did not remember ever having been poor . It was very hard to accept this new life . I was a teen , attending my junior year of high school . Women do it all the time . Women are financially bereft by divorce . It is a government statistic that women never fully recover from the devastation of finances after divorce , unless they re - marry , gaining financial stability . Incredible situation . It still exists . My mother was killing herself working , walking , and paying for an apartment because I could not live with her at the YWCA . The sacrifices she made were lost on me . I was a junior in high school and suddenly poor . This did not bode well for me becoming popular . Spoiled . When my mom retired , at age 52 , she was almost a millionaire . She and my step dad had amassed a great retirement . She was a whiz at investments and she saved every penny . I appear to have inherited that trait and I am so grateful . They had no debt . They owned 15 acres and a custom home . They raised cattle and had an active solar home . It was 1978 . She had done it without help from my dad . He kept all of their furnishings , all of their money . They split a piece of land . She did it alone . Grit and determination should be named Marguerite . She did it . When she married my step - dad , he had never owned a checking account . He lived on a cash basis , renting a room in a woman 's home . He and mom loved each other dearly . She was in charge of the finances and served them both very well . On this day of our country 's independence , I think of my mother . I think of my future and the way she would have had no nonsense about my next step . Living in an efficiency apartment , a trailer , on your own terms has no shame . You have earned your independence . Embrace it . I wrote once about letting things go that you hold due to love and memories . I still adhere to that lesson . I recognize that ' things ' are not people and ' memories ' are not ' things ' . Therefore , I get the fact that by letting things go , I have not let go of people and memories that are important to me . I am in new territory . Things I have owned and used for years and still see huge asset in owning . Point here is someone else should own them . I have had my time . I have a shelf unit . My husband hated it from the get - go . During a time of particular stress in our family , I moved in with a relative to help him save his house . This shelf unit was almost our " un - doing . " The fight about this dumb thing was huge and scarring . My dad came to me one night , explaining that he could ' cut the bottom of the unit ' to make it go to the basement and fit . That was heartbreaking to me . Nevertheless , I was the intruder . Saving the house did not mean I was welcome . We cut the poor shelf unit . Nobody would ever know it had been changed . I lamented . It was my custom - built shelf unit . When my husband realized I was bringing it along to our marriage , he balked . I was surprised to recognize his dismay over my shelf unit . It has a drop down desk in the center , beautiful oak , cubbyholes , and all of the shelves fit onto dowels so you can mix , match , and create any design you desire , with your changing needs . What 's not to love ? I just did not understand his upset . It ended up in our daughter 's bedroom . She could use the desk . She had lots of books and stuffed animals . It worked . We moved again and it was too tall for the ' basement ' , which we refer to as the ' lower level ' . I allowed it to be cut , again . Again , I am the only person aware of the cut . This thing has been impervious to pain . In one place I lived , no wall was long enough for this unit . Therefore , I disassembled it . I put the desk into my bedroom and used the two rectangular shelf units in the living room , on each side of my picture window . Worked just fine . Perfect . I do not see the problem with this unit . Every time I move , and I have moved 6 times since I got the unit , I just work the puzzle of the thing to manage my new space . However , in the meantime , since it goes together immediately , sitting on dowels , I can get about 16 boxes off the floor , to create space . When you move , that is a huge deal . I love this unit . Now , I am divesting . The shelf unit no longer suits my life . I know I will miss having the ability to get so many boxes off the floor in my next apartment or house . That was always a lifesaver , making a pathway through so many boxes . But . I have grown . I do not use 70 's shelf units anymore . The fact that this is relegated to the ' basement ' of several houses says everything . I am letting the shelf unit go . Someone looked at it and suggested $ 80 . I almost threw up . A contractor came over , looked at it , and said there was probably $ 200 . 00 of good wood . Well , now we were talking ! The problem , he explained , was how the wood was tied up with this shelf unit . Oh . It took me another 6 weeks to digest this . I am now asking $ 80 for the shelf unit . Someone will get a great unit , or a bunch of good usable wood . Am I crushed ? No . I finally saw the light : I have had use of this shelf unit for 34 years . If I get ANY money for the wood or the unit , I am way ahead of the game . It is like selling a house . When you are leaving , you need to disengage yourself from what the next people might think or do . It is not longer important because you are ' selling ' , " divesting , " moving on . I am moving . It is time . I am ready . Moreover , whatever anyone wants to buy , I will be willing to part with so that I can move forward . Looking into my past has not served me . Looking forward , to what I might create next is the only logical step I can take . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
Billie had looked forward to graduating from high school . He figured that once school was over , his baby treatment would end . However , Billie still couldn 't stay dry at night and still wet his pants or worse whenever something scared him or he got over excited . Billie would have been diagnosed with ADD today . His aunt just thought he was being lazy and seeking attention and she was going to make sure he got all the attention he could stand by publicly treating him as a baby . Billie 's aunt had planed on sending him to college with the girl next door that had baby - sat for him the past few years . However , Beth had gotten herself pregnant and ran off with her boyfriend just days before college was to start . His aunt was very upset with this incident , as the college she had enrolled him in had agreed to take him only as long as he had a caretaker to take care of him . Now that Beth was gone he no longer had anyone to care for him at college . Now both Billie and his aunt were trying to find a new school for him . He begged his aunt to just let him attend the college of his choice without the diapers and baby treatment . His aunt would not hear of this . She told him as long as he was to big a baby to keep from wetting and soiling his bed and clothes he would be treated like the baby he was in front of the entire world . Needless to say , both Billie and his aunt were very upset over these new developments . Billie was afraid he wouldn 't be able to attend college and get away from his aunt . He knew that as long as he lived at home , he would never be able to get out of diapers . He had grown fond of wearing the diapers and enjoyed being babied by his aunt , but not in public . Someone told Billie and his aunt about a small private college in West Memphis , Arkansas that catered to disabled students and had caretakers on staff . His aunt immediately called East Arkansas College for more information . She explained that Billie wasn 't truly disabled , but that he still wet and soiled himself and therefore was still in diapers and treated like the baby he was . The staff of East Arkansas College assured her that they could easily accommodate Billie and provide him not only with the care he needed , but also give him the best education that was available any where . Billie wasn 't to fond of these new arrangements , but was glad that he would at least be getting away from home . Billie 's aunt had to get busy to get everything ready in time for college to start . They had to go and get a transcript from Billie 's high school with his grades and ACT score . This had to be sent to the college before Billie could be accepted at East Arkansas College . She also had to get plane tickets for Billie to fly from Honolulu to Memphis , Tennessee . The college had told her that they would have a car pick Billie up at the airport in Memphis and drive him to the school in West Memphis , Arkansas . Billie 's aunt got the transcript sent airmail . She then proceeded to packing his things and took them to the airport and had them flown to the college . She didn 't have any doubts that Billie would be accepted at East Arkansas College , as he had been an Honor Student all the way through school and had scored in the upper 90 % on the ACT Test . Within three days the President of East Arkansas College called Billie 's aunt and told her that Billie had been accepted at the school and his clothing and property had arrived . He asked Billie 's aunt to send him to the school as quickly as possible as classes would start the following Monday and it was now Wednesday . Billie 's aunt immediately called the airlines and purchased tickets for Billie to leave Hawaii at 7 : 15am on Friday and would arrive in Memphis at Noon on Saturday . Billie 's aunt woke him at 5 : 30 Friday morning to get him ready for his trip to Arkansas . She first removed his plastic pants and then unpinned his soggy wet diaper . With discuss she asked him " Are you ever going to stop wetting like a baby ? " Without waiting for an answer she took him to the bathroom and sat him on the potty . She always made him sit on the potty baby style , facing the wall . She told him he had better potty well as he wouldn 't have another chance to potty or get his diaper changed until he arrived in West Memphis , Arkansas . Billie 's aunt filled the tub with hot bubbly water while he sat on the potty . She then told him to get in the tub . She washed his hair with baby shampoo ; she then washed his face and neck using Ivory Baby Soap . She then washed his arms , chest , and back still using the baby soap . Then she lifted one leg at a time and washed each leg and rinsed him off . She then had him stand and face her and she washed up the front of his diaper area paying particular attention to his small penis and testicles . Billie never had much pubic hair and what little he did have she kept shaved off so it would be easier to clean him . After she washed the front of his diaper area and rinsed it well she had him to face the wall . She then told him to spread his legs out and bend over so she could really clean the rest of his diaper area . She washed both cheeks of his butt thoroughly . She then lathered up the washcloth and washed between his legs and the crack of his ass . She then wrapped the washcloth around two fingers and washed inside the opening of his ass hole . After she had rinsed him off for the last time she told him to get out of the tub and lay on the large bath towel she had spread out for him . She then gently dried him off . She then took him to his room and had him lay in his crib so she could dress him . She put a heavy coat of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly all over his diaper area . She then placed a thick diaper under him . This was the thickest diaper that he had ever worn . She then had him hold his legs up over his head while she powdered his bottom . Then after he lowered his legs she powdered his private area . She then brought the thick diaper up between his legs and pinned the right side . Then she pulled the diaper as snug as she could and pinned the left side . Billie 's aunt then had him stand up so she could put his plastic pants on him . She was putting a pair of blue Gerber 's pants on him . She pulled the pants up and made sure his diaper was all tucked inside of the plastic pants . She then put an oversize T - shirt on him and told him to sit on the edge of his crib . Then she got out a short - all outfit to put on him . She then started them up his legs and had him sit up so she could pulled them the rest of the way up on him . After she had them pulled up she brought the straps up over his T - shirt and buttoned them . The short - alls had a snap crotch so diapers could be changed without removing them . When Billie started to walk he had great difficulty due to the thickness of the diaper . His aunt took him by the hand and helped him to the kitchen . She prepared a big breakfast for him , as she wasn 't sure what or when he would be able to eat next . She fed him his scrambled eggs , cut up sausage , biscuits and gravy , and Cream of Wheat one spoonful at a time . She quickly cleared off the table and washed off Billie 's face . She then packed a diaper bag full of diapers , plastic pants , and 2 full baby bottles and two empty bottles . She also took another bottle out of the icebox and warmed it . She told him he could drink it on the way to the airport . Billie and his aunt then started out to the car . On the way to the car she told him that she had instructed the airlines that he was partially disabled and they would have to put his beverages in one of his bottles for him to be able to drink it . She also asked that they cut up his food in real small pieces or give him baby food to eat . She had also packed his bib in the diaper bag . She then told him that the airlines didn 't have anyone to help him to use the potty or to change his diapers and that was the reason she had pinned such a thick one on him . She then told him that if it got to uncomfortable , maybe one of the passengers would change him . He told her he wasn 't about to ask anyone to change him . She replied , " Suit yourself ! " She helped him into the car as he was really having a hard time getting around in the thick diapers . She then drove to the airport . She told Billie to stay in the car and she would be back in a minute . She then went and rented an adult stroller and came back and got him . She picked up the diaper bag from the back seat and hooked it on the back of the stroller . She then rolled him to the check in counter . She gave the attendant his tickets and they told her they would take good care of him . Billie 's aunt then gave him one last Good - Bye kiss and told him she had to leave as her car was parked in the loading zone . It wasn 't but about 15 minutes until his plane was loading . One of the attendants pushed him in the stroller up into the plane . He then helped Billie into a seat and fastened his seat belt . Shortly after take - off the flight attendant came back to check on Billie . Billie 's aunt had told the airlines that he was a special needs child when she bought the ticket . Tim , the flight attendant asked Billie if he needed anything and Billie told him he was fine . Tim then unfastened Billie 's seat belt . When lunchtime came around , Tim asked Billie if he was ready to eat . Billie said he was very hungry . Tim told Billie his lunch would soon be ready . Tim reached up overhead and got down Billie 's diaper bag . He then removed Billie 's bib and took out a baby bottle of milk . He then tied the bib on Billie and told him he would be back shortly . Tim took the bottle back to the plane 's gallery and warmed it . He also cut up all of Billie 's food into very small bites . They were serving fried chicken , sweet peas , and mashed potatoes . Tim removed the bones from Billie 's chicken as he cut it up . When he had Billie 's lunch ready he checked the bottle and it was ready to . Most of the other passengers had almost finished eating by now . Tim sat in the empty chair next to Billie and fed him his lunch . He then washed off Billie 's hands and face . He gave Billie his bottle and laid Billie 's seat back . Billie was soon asleep . Billie didn 't wake up until the plane landed in Kansas City . After everyone else was off the plane Tim got the stroller out and helped Billie into it . Tim told Billie he would have to change planes here and that there would be about a six hour lay over . He then told Billie that he was now off duty , but would be flying on to Memphis with him , as that was his home . Tim took Billie off the plane in the stroller . He had hung Billie 's diaper bag on the stroller 's handlebars . He left Billie sitting in the stroller next to the check in counter while he gathered up his reports to turn in on the flight . He then took Billie to the observation tower where they could watch the planes take off and land . They were the only ones there . Tim asked Billie if he was thirsty and Billie said he was . Tim went and bought two cokes . When he came back he poured one of the cokes in one of the empty baby bottles that was in Billie 's diaper bag . He then gave the bottle to Billie . Billie was thirsty and drank the coke fast as he could suck it out of the bottle . Tim stayed with Billie in the observation tower until time for them to load on their plane to Memphis . Billie had taken a good 3 - hour nap . When Billie woke from his nap , Tim asked if he needed anything and Billie replied that he was fine . Tim then asked if he needed to use the potty . Billie told Tim that he had already wet in his diapers several times so didn 't need use the potty . Tim asked Billie if he would like his diapers changed . Billie said he would but that his aunt had told him that the flight attendants wouldn 't be able to do this . Tim explained to Billie that because he was off duty now he could help him . He then took Billie out of the stroller and laid him down on a couch in the observation tower . He unsnapped Billie 's short - alls . He lifted Billie up as he pulled down Billie 's plastic pants and unpinned and then removed the thick , soaked diaper . He removed a damp washcloth from the diaper bag and gently washed of Billie 's diaper area . He then took the baby lotion and baby powder out of the diaper bag and gently applied the lotion to Billie 's diaper area . He then took out 4 diapers and placed then under Billie 's bottom . He then gently powdered Billie 's butt and privates . He then drew the diaper up snug between Billie 's legs and pinned it . He got out a clean pair of plastic pants and put them on Billie . When he started to snap the short - alls he noticed that they were damp , so he removed them . He then told Billie he would just have to wear only the T - shirt over his diapers . He told him that with the T - shirt being so big on him that no one would probably even noticed . Tim put Billie in the stroller and rolled him to the loading gate . Billie was the first to load with Tim pushing him into the plane with the stroller . He once again put Billie into his seat and fastened the seat belt . Soon the rest of the passengers had boarded also . Tim sat in the seat next to Billie and fastened his seat belt as well . Soon the plane was in the air and Tim unfastened both his and Billie 's seat belts . He then pushed back Billie 's seat so he could relax . The flight from Kansas City to Memphis was very pleasant and Billie slept most of the way . Once again Billie waited until all the other passengers were off the plane . Tim then got the stroller down and put Billie in it . He then got the diaper bag and hooked it around the handlebars of the stroller . He then pushed Billie out of the plane and into the airport terminal . The dormitory parents , Liz & Frank , from Billie 's dorm at East Arkansas College were waiting at the gate . They spotted him as Tim pushed him to the gate . They came over and introduced themselves . Tim told them that Billie had been a good passenger and he had eaten well and was of no trouble at all . He also told them he had changed Billie 's diaper at Kansas City , but his diaper probably needed changing again . Billie thanked Tim for being so nice to him and helping him . Frank went and collected Billie 's luggage and then Liz pushed Billie out to the school 's station wagon while Frank carried the luggage . Frank tied the luggage down on top the station wagon while Liz helped Billie into the back of the car . The rear seat was folded down and they had made a bed for him to lie down on . Liz pulled up his T - shirt and put her fingers inside his diaper to check if he was wet . His diapers were damp , but not soaked so she told him she would change him when they got back to the school . It took almost as long to drive to the school as it did to fly to Memphis from Kansas City . When Billy finally got to the school they told him he would be in a dormitory with the physically disabled students . They told him several of the students wore diapers so this shouldn 't create too much of a problem for him . However , volunteer nursing students were used in helping care for them . They told him he would share a room with another student whose only disability was that he was incontinent . Billy was surprised when he entered the dorm , as the walls were only 3 or 4 feet high and there weren 't any doors , not even the bathroom . The only walls were around the Dorm parents ' room and their private bathroom . The bathroom was made accessible for wheelchairs . The commodes had handrails around them and were taller than regular toilets . They didn 't have any bathtubs , just showers . They had special shower chairs for the disabled students to sit in and roll into the shower without getting their wheelchairs wet . Those that could walk could still use the showers , they just had to adjust the shower hose higher up and remember to put them back down for the others to be able to use them . Billy was told that most of the students bathed themselves and dressed with little assistance . Some of the students that were in diapers needed assistance with them and both the dorm parents and the volunteer nursing students would help with that . They told Billy that his aunt had told them he couldn 't diaper himself and that if he didn 't have assistance with bathing , he wouldn 't get himself clean . She also told them that whenever he fed himself he made a mess . She told him that she always made him drink from either a baby bottle or a training cup and that she had sent both along with him . The beds were hospital beds with side rails and they made sure the side rails were up whenever anyone was in bed . Billy was happy that at lease they weren 't baby cribs . He also found out that they were going to work with him as they did all the disabled students to teach him to care for himself as much as possible . Billy was glad that at last maybe he would be able to grow up . The first thing the dorm mother did was to undress Billy while the dorm father unpacked his belongings and put them away . His diaper was soaked and wet and he was glad to get it off . Once he was completely undressed she took him to the toilet and told him to just sit there and relax and see if his bowels would move . She left him there for about 30 minutes and when she came back he hadn 't done anything . She said that was all right and maybe next time they would have better results . His dorm mother , Liz , then took him to the showers . She had Billy sit in one of the shower chairs as she explained to him it would make it easier for her to assist him with his shower . She then adjusted the water to where it was hot , but not to hot . She then hosed him off from head to toe . Then she hung the shower hose back on the wall hook . She next used baby shampoo and gently washed his curly blond hair . She then took the shower hose and rinsed his hair making sure to get all the shampoo out of his hair . Once again she hung the shower hose back on its hook . Liz then took a clean washcloth and lathered it up with a bar of Ivory soap . She then handed it to Billy and told him to wash his face with it . Billy washed his face with the washcloth and then handed it back to Liz . Liz then washed behind Billy 's ears and his neck before she rinsed Billy 's face with the shower hose . Liz lathered the washcloth again with more soap and washed Billy 's arms and underarms and rinsed them off . She then washed and rinsed his back . Next she washed his chest and rinsed it . Liz then lathered the washcloth again and lifted Billy 's legs one at a time and washed them off . She then rinsed both legs off . Liz now had Billy stand up and face her . She then gently washed off his penis , testicles , and between his legs . Next she rinsed out the washcloth and had Billy turn around and face the wall . Now she lathered the washcloth once again and washed his butt . She spread his cheeks and thoroughly washed the crack of his ass , sticking the soaped washcloth into the opening of his ass hole with her finger and rotating it around inside his ass . Liz now took the shower hose and rinsed thoroughly from head to toe . Liz then had Billy sit in the shower chair once again . She now gently dried his hair commenting on what beautiful curly locks he had . She handed Billy a towel to dry his face with . While Billy was drying his face , Liz dried his arms , back and chest . Then once again she lifted his legs one at a time to dry them . She gently dried between each toe as she dried the feet . Now she rolled Billy out of the shower and to the side of his bed . Here she dried off Billy 's entire diaper area as he stood up to get out of the shower chair . Liz now had Billy lay down on his bed . She then had him lift his legs up in the air as she rubbed baby lotion into the crack of his ass and on both buttocks . Next she gently rubbed lotion between his legs . Now Liz rubbed his testicles and sac with the lotion . She had saved the best for last as she rubbed his little penis with the lotion stroking it up and down as she rubbed the lotion in . Liz was now ready to diaper her little baby boy . Once again she had Billy lift his legs into the air as she helped him lift his butt off the bed so she could slide a thick diaper under him and powdered his butt . She then helped him as he lowered his butt onto the diaper and spread out his legs . Liz now powdered Billy 's pubic area and brought the diaper up snugly between his legs . She first pinned the left side of the diaper and then pulled the diaper tightly together on the right side and pinned it . Liz then started putting Billy 's plastic pants on . She put one foot at a time through the leg openings . She then pulled the plastic pants up his legs . She pulled them up over Billy 's butt as he lifted it off the bed . Next she put a school T - shirt on him . She told him all students there wore either the school 's T - shirts in warm weather or the school 's sweat shirts in cool weather . The students were required to purchase at least 3 of each at the start of the school year . Billy 's aunt had already purchased 6 of each for him . Billie was now totally worn out . He felt nice after his bath and getting a fresh diaper on , but now he was ready to rest . It was now around 3 : 30 in the afternoon and Liz told him his supper meal would be at 5 : 30 every evening . She told him to go ahead and take a nap and she would get him up in time to get ready to eat . Liz 's husband Frank , Billie 's dorm father , came to wake Billie at 5 : 10 that evening to get him ready for supper . He told Billie that Liz was busy with another student and that a student nurse would be coming to assist in getting Billie ready . Frank then checked Billie 's diaper and found him to be wet , but that he hadn 't messed in his diaper . Angie , one of the student nurses , came in and introduced herself to Billie . While Frank was removing Billie 's wet diaper , Angie went to get a warm damp washcloth and a towel to wash and dry his diaper area . When Angie got back she very gently washed him off . She then left to put the dirty linen in the wet clothes hamper . While she was gone Frank put lotion and powder on Billie 's bottom . Frank then put some more lotion on his hands and very gently rubbed Billie 's testicles with the lotion . Next Frank lotioned in between Billie 's legs making sure he got into all the creases . Angie was back now and while she got out fresh diapers and plastic pants for Billie , Frank put some more lotion in his hand and now rubbed Billie 's small penis with it . He stoked the penis up and now and rubbed the head of the penis as well . When Frank was finished with rubbing the lotion onto Billie , Angie took over . She first lifted his bottom up off the bed and placed a thick diaper under him . Next she sprinkled some baby powder over his pubic area . Then she brought the diaper up through his legs , pulling it very snug . She first pinned the left side , and then she again pulled the diaper tight and pinned the right side . Frank had left to go help with some other students and Angie finished dressing Billie . First she put Billie 's feet into the leg openings of the plastic pants . Then she slowly worked them up to his bottom . Now she raised him up off the bed , holding him with just one hand she pulled the plastic pants up over his thick diaper . Billie was still wearing his school T - shirt so he was now ready for supper . The students all went to the cafeteria for their meals . Some of the students were in wheelchairs and the dorm parents and cafeteria aides would attach a tray , like a high chair tray , to their wheelchairs . The rest of them sat in regular seats or on some higher stools . Billie was told to sit at the table in a regular seat . This made him very happy . However , his happiness didn 't last long as they soon put an oversize baby bib on him and brought him out his supper on a divider plate like you use for toddlers . His supper consisted of ground turkey ; mashed potatoes & gravy and a baby food jar of mixed vegetables . They also brought out his warm milk in a baby bottle instead of his training cup he had expected . When he started to protest Angie asked him if he would like for her to remove his diaper and plastic pants and give him a spanking right then and there . Billie became a very quiet and well - behaved baby . When Billie finished his supper Angie took him back to the dorm . She first got a wet washcloth and washed off his face and hands . Then she had Billie lay down on his bed as she checked his diaper . She decided that although he was a little damp , he didn 't need to be changed yet . It was time for Angie to leave and she told Billie he could watch some TV and that either Liz or Frank would be back soon . Just as Angie started out the door , Frank came in with two of the other students . Soon everyone was back from supper and both Liz and Frank were there with them . Most all the students sat and watched the TV . Billie fell asleep while watching TV . Frank picked him up and carried him to bed . Frank checked Billie 's diaper and found him wet . He removed Billie 's T - shirt , shoes , and socks . The he took the plastic pants off Billie . Frank next removed Billie 's soaked diaper . Billie slept through all of this . Nest Frank went and got a warm wet washcloth and washed Billie 's diaper area off . Next he put a thick diaper under Billie and rubbed baby lotion on his bottom and then sprinkled baby powder on his butt . He now let Billie 's butt rest on the diaper . Next he spread Billie 's legs apart and he poured a little baby lotion into his hand and rubbed it between Billie 's legs , making sure he got it in all the creases . Next he poured more lotion into his hands and gently rubbed Billie 's testicles and penis . Billie just continued sleeping through all of this . Frank now pulled the diaper snug between Billie 's legs and pinned both sides , making sure the diaper was drawn tight on both sides . Billie was so tired that he slept through the night without waking . Liz woke him at 7 o ' clock in the morning . She checked his diaper and it was soaked . Liz removed his plastic pants and then his diaper . She then took him to the showers and let him wash himself with her watching . She told him to wash well behind his ears . Then when he was washing his arms and legs she told him to scrub good around his elbows , knees , and underarms . After he finish washing his chest and what he could reach of his back he washed between his legs and his private area . Liz washed off the part of Billie 's back that he wasn 't able to reach . After Billie had showered and cleaned himself good , Liz washed his hair for him . She told Billie that she was surprised at what a good job he had done as his aunt had told her that he never got himself clean . Billie felt good about Liz bragging on him . In the past all they ever did was tell him how he couldn 't do anything right . Liz dried Billie 's hair for him and then dried off his back . She then gave the towel to Billie and told him to finish drying off . Billie dried his face and neck first . Billie then dried his chest , arms and legs . Billie next dried off his diaper area . He then dried his feet last . Liz told him to take the towel and dry between his toes real good . She told him he could get athletes feet by not washing and drying between his toes good . Liz gave him a clean towel . She told him not to use the towel he tried his feet with when he was finish with trying his toes . She told him to use the clean towel to dry anywhere he felt damp . She then followed him back to his bed . She told him to lie down on the bed as she got out a clean diaper and a pair of plastic pants for him . Angie came in with another student nurse , Susie , and asked Liz if they could assist any . Liz asked if they would finish getting Billie dressed . Susie got the baby lotion down from the night table and poured some into her hands . She then had Billie roll onto his side and she spread the lotion well all over his bottom . She then had him roll back over onto his back . She got some more lotion in her hands and rubbed it well between his legs and onto his penis and testicles . She made sure she got some into all the creases of his skin . Angie now lifted Billie up by his legs as Susie placed a thick diaper under him and powdered his bottom . Susie sprinkled some powder over the front of his diaper area . Angie now brought the diaper up snugly between his legs and pinned both sides . She now started the plastic pants up his legs . She now had Billie stand up and she pulled the plastic pants up over his diaper making sure the diaper was all tucked inside the plastic pants . Susie brought over one of his school T - shirts and a pair of his shorts . She started to put them on Billie , but Liz came and said she wanted to see if Billie could put them on himself . She then told Billie to go ahead and dress himself . Billie enjoyed being allowed to dress himself . He had no problem getting dressed . Liz then handed Billie his socks and shoes and told him to put them on . She told him to ask for help if he needed it . Susie and Angie watched as Billie put on his socks and shoes with no problem . Billie then tied his shoes without any help . Liz , Susie , and Angie were all amazed . Billie told them he could do a lot for himself , but was never allowed to . He explained to Liz , Angie , and Susie that the only problem he had was that he wet the bed and sometimes had accidents in the daytime , especially when he exerted himself by , crying , laughing , or running . He explained that his aunt got tired of wet clothing and furniture and thought he could help it if he really wanted to . She had taken him to several doctors and they all told her that nothing was physically wrong with him . His aunt took this to mean he was wetting himself on purpose . She then told him if he wanted to wet like a baby she would treat him like a baby . Liz called Frank over and told him what Billie had just told them . Frank and Liz told Billie that they would let him help himself as much as he wanted to try . Susie and Angie told Billie that they would buy him some special pants to wear in the daytime instead of diapers and plastic pants . They told him he could probably help with some of the disabled students . They explained how all the other students were in that dormitory because they suffered from physical or mental disabilities that required extra care . She said the students would love to have a peer that can relate to their situation and be able to assist them . Angie told Billie that the new pants would be like a large pair of waterproof training pants . They explained that he could use the bathroom by himself whenever he needed to and if he had an accident he could just go to his clothes closet and get a clean pair out . They told him to take the clean pair and go to the shower room and clean himself off and put on the clean pair and then redress himself . They also told him that if he needed any assistance all he had to do was ask . Billie was glad that he was going to get a chance to be himself and take care of himself instead of being treated as a baby . He looked forward to getting the new pants . Angie then told him it was time for breakfast and he needed to go with them to the cafeteria . Liz , Frank , Angie , and Susie helped the students that needed help and they all went to the cafeteria together . Billie was surprised to see his high chair set up in the cafeteria . Liz told him that his aunt had sent it , but now that they know his full story and that he really didn 't need to be fed like a baby , they wouldn 't make him use the chair . They asked him if it would be all right to use it for one of the disabled students that had trouble sitting on one of the stools and would be more comfortable in the high chair . Billie was so glad he wasn 't going to have to use it that he told Liz she could give it to whoever she wanted to . Liz told Billie that his aunt had also sent his crib and all his baby clothing , but they were just going to store all the stuff and if Billie showed them he didn 't need it then they would get rid of it all . Billie was really happy . When his breakfast got there he was surprised to see he had a regular plate and he had both orange juice and milk in regular glasses . Billie told Liz he was afraid he would spill the milk and juice as he always had trouble with them . He asked if she would put them into his toddler glass . Liz said she would if he wanted her to , but she wanted him to try using a regular glass when he felt more confident . Billie ate his fried eggs , oatmeal , and pancakes all without any help . He drank his juice first from the toddler glass and then had Susie rinse it out for him and put his milk in it . Billie was real proud of himself , as this was the first time in years he ate a meal without someone feeding him like a baby . Billie waited for the rest of the students in his dormitory to finish eating and they all went back to the dorm together . Two of the boys from his dorm that used wheelchairs , Pete and Bobby , asked him if he would like them to show him around the campus . Billie said he sure would like that . He asked them if they could show him where his councilor 's office was . They said sure thing and took off . Billie was surprised how quick they got about in their wheelchairs , as he had to almost run to keep up with them . They were showing off and giving him a workout at the same time . He asked them what the hurry was and they replied , " No hurry , do you want us to show you hurry ? " Billie said , " No , that will be right . " It wasn 't long until they went up a steep hill . Billie asked if they needed any assistance and they told him they would let him know if they did . At the top of the hill they pointed to a large brick building . Billie could see a sign over the doorway that said , " East Arkansas College Administration Building . " Billie could also see that there were 5 steps to get up to the doorway . He asked Pete and Bobby if they wanted to go in with him . They told him that they couldn 't climb the steps and there wasn 't a ramp . Billie asked how they talked to their councilors and got their schedules . They told him that their councilors came to the dorm and brought their schedules to them . Billie asked if they had ever been in this building and they told him they hadn 't . He then said he wanted them with him when he talked with his councilor . He said he was scared and needed their moral support . He said he could help them in one at a time . They at last agreed . Billie first told Pete to roll his wheelchair to the steps and then turn it around . Billie then grabbed the handles with his hands and stepped on the bar by the wheels . This way , could tilt the wheelchair backwards , and pull the chair up over the steps , one step at a time . After Billie had Pete up the steps , Pete rolled into the building and Billie went back to get Bobby . Billie just repeated the same routine he had used with Pete . Soon all three boys were up the steps and in the building . It didn 't take them long to find Mr . Garrison 's , Billie 's Councilor , office . Mr . Garrison was surprised when Billie , Pete , and Bobby all came into his office together . Mr . Garrison was also Pete & Bobby 's Councilor . Pete introduced Billie to Mr . Garrison . Mr . Garrison asked Pete how he and Bobby got into the building . Pete said , " Our friend Billie pulled us up the steps . " Billie told him the chairs rolled easily up the steps when they were tilted back as neither of the boys was very heavy . Mr . Garrison got out Billie 's schedule and went over it with him . He asked Billie if he wanted him to show him where his classes were . Billie , Pete , and Bobby all answered together , " We won 't need you to . " Billie then helped Pete and Bobby down the steps . Pete took Billie 's schedule and led the way to the different classes and Billie and Bobby followed . It didn 't take the boys long to find all Billie 's classes . Billie noticed that the only building that they had gone to that Pete and Bobby couldn 't get in was the Administration Building . Billie asked Bobby and Pete if they had trouble getting in any of the other buildings . They told him that the school had made everything else accessible to wheelchairs and that they had a lift ordered for the Administration building so it would be accessible to wheelchair users soon . Billie was glad to hear that . It was close to noon before the boys got back to the dorm . Most of the other students had already gone to the cafeteria . Liz , the dorm mother , had stayed behind to wait for them . She first asked Billy if he needed a diaper change . Billie was embarrassed by her asking him in front of Pete and Bobby . Billie 's face turned red from the embarrassment . Liz apologized and told Billie she didn 't mean to embarrass him . She said Pete and Bobby were used to different students needing diapers . She explained that while Pete had a catheter in him , Bobby wore diapers also . Both Bobby and Pete told him there wasn 't anything to be embarrassed by . Billie explained that he didn 't have any type of physical disability , his aunt had just put him in them because she was tired of him wetting like a baby . Both boys told Billie that they didn 't think he was a baby . Billie told Liz he wasn 't wet , but he needed to use the bathroom . Liz asked him if he could get the diaper and plastic pants off by himself . He said he didn 't know but would try to . Billie went to the bathroom while Liz changed Bobby 's diapers . Billie didn 't have any trouble getting his diapers off to use the toilet , but couldn 't get them back on . He went ahead and pulled up his plastic pants and his shorts and carried his diapers and pins back over to where Liz was . Liz was just finishing up changing Bobby when Billie got there . He told her he didn 't have any problem using the bathroom , but couldn 't get the diaper back on . Liz told him not to worry about it as she had a surprise for him , but first she had to empty Pete 's catheter bag . Her and Pete went to the toilet and she empty his bag and washed her hands . When Liz and Pete got back she told Billie to go look in the top drawer of his chest of drawers . When Billie opened the drawer he found the new pants that Susie and Angie had bought him . Liz told him to take off his shorts and plastic pants and put on a pair of the new pants . Billie did as he was told . Liz asked him if they fit right and if they were comfortable . He told her that they both fit right and were comfortable . She then told him to put his shorts back on and for him , Bobby , and Pete all to go to lunch . She told Billie to put his plastic pants in the laundry . Billie , Pete , and Bobby all got the same lunch . They had salad , chicken fried steak , mash potatoes with gravy on both the meat and potatoes , corn on the cob , and a piece of cherry pie . Billie cut up his own meat for the first time . He even helped cut up Pete and Bobby 's meat as Frank , Susan , and Angie had gone back to the Dorm with the other students and Liz hadn 't came to the cafeteria yet . Then all three had a carton of milk to drink . Billie opened all three of them and he really was proud of himself . Billie even drank his milk from the carton and spilled only a couple of drops . When Liz got there all three boys were over half way through eating their lunch . She asked them who cut up their meat and opened their milk carton . She was surprised when Bobby and Pete told her that Billie had . She looked over at Billie and said , " I 'm very proud of you , and see , you can drink without using the toddler cup . " When the boys finished their lunches and returned to the dormitory , Pete and Bobby asked Billie if he wanted to play some basketball . Billie didn 't know how they could play basketball from their wheelchair , but agreed to . Billie was in for a surprise as the boys beat him in basketball . They explained to him that just because they had some physical problems , it didn 't mean that they couldn 't still enjoy the same things in life that he did . Billie rushed to the boy 's rest room there in the gym . He had felt his new pants getting damp while he was playing basketball . He both emptied his bladder and had a bowel movement while he was on the toilet . He was ashamed he had wet his new pants and afraid that they would put him back in diapers . It was almost dinnertime when they got back to the dorm . Frank took Pete to empty his catheter . Liz took Bobby to change him and help him wash up for dinner . Susie was helping some of the other students and Angie asked Billie how he liked his new pants . Billie 's faced turned bright red from shame . Angie knew something was wrong so she asked Billie what was the matter . Billie explained to her that he had wet the pants some while playing basketball . She said that they knew he might have some accidents and that was why they bought him the pants . She told him he didn 't do anything to be ashamed of and that he wasn 't going to be punished or be put back in diapers . Angie told Billie to get a clean pair of his new underpants out and go to the shower room . She told him to take a quick shower , washing his diaper area real good . She told him to then get dressed and meet the rest of them in the cafeteria for dinner . Billie did as he was told and after showering he dried himself off as good as he could and then dressed himself . He felt good ; as this was the first time in years he had showered and dressed himself all without anyone helping him . Billie went to the cafeteria and joined the others for dinner . He got a chair and pulled it up between Pete and Bobby . Tonight they had spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread . They also had a piece of carrot cake for desert . Billie asked Liz if she had another bib like Bobby and Pete were wearing . He told her that he really couldn 't eat spaghetti without making a mess . Liz asked him if he wouldn 't like to at least try . He said he would really prefer having a bib to wear . So Liz took a bib out of the sack she had bought with her and tied it around Billie . Liz then told Billie to eat as if he didn 't have a bib . She wanted to see if he could eat without making a mess . Billie ate as carefully as he could , but still spilled a lot all over the bib . He was glad he had the bib . Alice was busy helping Pete to clean up after dinner and Frank was helping some of the other disabled students . Susie was helping Bobby and Angie asked Billie if she could help him . Billie said he would like for her to help him clean up . Angie carefully removed Billie 's bib , as it was full of spaghetti . She asked Billie in a joking way if he had gotten any in his mouth . She said , " I doubt if you got any of this in your mouth . Are you still hungry ? Billie laughed and replied , " Believe it or not I 'm full . " Angie washed off Billie 's face and hands with a damp washcloth she got out of Liz 's bag . The three boys all headed back to the dorm with their dorm parents . Angie and Susie had to go study , but said they would be back to help get them to bed . Billie was so happy that he had become friends with Bobby and Pete . Bobby and Pete felt the same way about him . In one days time the three boys had become really close . When they got back to the dorm they watched some TV . The boys didn 't really like anything that was on . They decided to play a game . Bobby asked the others if they knew how to play LIFE . The other two boys told him they knew how to play . The three boys played the game of LIFE for the next three hours . Liz came and told them it was time to get ready for bed . They told her that the game wasn 't finished yet . Liz told them they would just have to see who was ahead now and that person would be the winner . The boys cashed in all their assets and counted their money . Billie had won by several thousand dollars . Billie told Pete and Bobby good night as he saw Liz , Angie , and Susie heading towards them . Billie said , " Here comes the three stooges ! " Pete and Bobby both laughed and the three of them were still laughing as Liz , Susie , and Angie got to them . Liz asked the boys , " Do you think we 're three stooges ? " The boys still laughing replied , " No ! " while still laughing . Susie and Angie looked at Billie and told him , " We 'll show you how we 're stooges when we get your little butt ready for bed . Billie said , " Don 't get uptight , I was only joking , " Susie then said , " We 're not upset . We 're glad to see you three have made such good friends and were even more glad to see the three of you laughing . " Angie then said , " Laughter is something we all could use more of in this dorm . Then Liz said , " Just remember that laughter is the best medicine . Liz then took Bobby and started getting him ready for bed . Sue took Pete and Angie took Billie . Angie asked Billie how he liked his first full day at the school . Billie told her he had the best day he could remember in his life . Angie then told him to sit on his bed . While Angie was removing Billie 's socks and shoes she told him she was happy he was doing so well . Angie then told him he was sure good medicine for both Pete and Bobby . She told him she hadn 't seen them so happy and enjoying themselves since they had been there . She helped Bobby out of his shirt and then told him to lie down . She told him he could remove his own shorts and underpants { his waterproof pants ) . Billie took them both off . Angie picked up Billie 's underpants and felt them and was both surprised and happy to find they were dry . She then asked Billie if he thought he could stay dry at night . Billie said he didn 't think he could . She then asked if he thought the underpants would provide him with enough protection or if he needed to wear a thick diaper at night . Billie told her he needed the diaper . Angie then got the baby lotion and rubbed it into Billie 's diaper area . She told Billie to lift his bottom of the bed as she placed the thick diaper under him and powdered his bottom . Then after he put his legs and bottom back down she sprinkled baby powder on his penis and testicles . She then bought the diaper up snugly between his legs and pinned it . Angie now told Billie goodnight . She then told him she would see him in the morning . Angie then joined Susie and they returned to their own dorm . The two girls talked about how happy the three boys had been today . They also talked about how Billie could really take care of himself and didn 't need diapers except at bedtime . The girls still had to study more as they prepared for the first day of nursing school . Both girls had to take tests that would allow them credit for some courses without having to take them . Liz and Frank told the all the boys in the dorm goodnight . Then they went to their quarters and retired . Liz would wake at 1 o ' clock in the morning and check each student to make sure they were sleeping fine . If they were wet she would change them . She would also check the boys with catheters and empty their bags and straighten their hoses as needed . Frank would get up at 4 o ' clock in the morning and do the same . When Liz made her 1 o ' clock rounds she found Billie wide - awake and rumbling around in his bed restless . Liz asked Billie what was wrong and he said he didn 't know . She asked if there was anything she could do . Billie said he had always taken a bottle of warm milk to bed and maybe that would help . Liz asked him if he was sure he wanted his warm milk in a baby bottle or if he would prefer it in a glass . Billie didn 't want his dorm mother thinking of him as a baby after she had bragged on him earlier , but he didn 't want to spill milk in his bed either . He told Liz how he felt and she told him not to worry about anything . She warmed him some milk and poured it into one of Billie 's baby bottles . She took it to him and Billie thanked her . Liz made the rest of her rounds . Liz thought she 'd check back on Billie before she went back to bed after she had finished her rounds . She was very surprised to find Billie fast asleep with the nipple of the baby bottle still in his mouth . She was happy that he was now sleeping and went to bed . When Frank got up at 4 o ' clock in the morning , he made his rounds the same as Liz had earlier . He found a couple of boys that needed their diapers changed . Frank like changing the boy 's diapers , as he liked rubbing baby lotion on their penises . He changed their diapers and emptied some catheters before he got to Billie . He was surprised to see the baby bottle in Billie 's mouth . The bottle was almost empty and Billie wasn 't sucking it , but still held it in his mouth . When Frank checked Billie 's diaper he was even more surprised to find it only barely damp and not needing changed . When Frank finished his round he gently woke Liz up when he returned to their quarters . Frank asked her " Did you give Billie a baby bottle ? " Liz told him , " Yes , he wasn 't able to sleep and asked for it . I checked back on him at the end of my round and the bottle was still mostly full , but he was asleep . Frank told her he had found the bottle mostly empty and the boy sleeping well . He also told Liz that Billie 's diaper was just barely damp and didn 't need changing . He asked her if she had changed it . Liz told him , " No , it was dry when I checked it . " They both were beginning to think maybe this boy didn 't even need a diaper at night . Susie and Angie got there about 6 : 45 that morning . Liz invited them to sit down and join them for a cup of coffee . Both girls sat down as Liz poured them some coffee . Frank told the girls about how Billie had asked for a bottle of warm milk in order to sleep . He then told them how Billie 's diaper had been only damp when he checked it at 4 o ' clock that morning . Both Susie and Liz were surprised at what Frank had told them . Liz then told them that whichever one checked Billie to save him for last , as he would need the least amount of help . The four of them then started getting all the kids up and ready for Breakfast . They were dressing them for their classes now , as some of them wouldn 't have time after breakfast to get ready . This morning Susie was the one to check on Billie . She thought how cute he looked lying there in his diaper and plastic pants and with the baby bottle still in his mouth . The baby bottle was now empty so he must of sucked on it off and on all night . She called out his name and he woke up . He seemed to be surprised and embarrassed by the empty bottle in his mouth as he woke up . Susie didn 't say anything about the bottle and asked him how he felt this morning . Billie told her , " I 'm ashamed of being a big baby still needing diapers and baby bottles . " Susie told him , " Don 't be ashamed . You 've made a lot of progress the past 2 days . With your past I 'm surprised at the progressed you 've made . Don 't ever put yourself down anymore . " This made Billie feel much better . Susie reached inside of Billie 's plastic pants to check his diaper and found him soaked . She didn 't say a word and just removed his plastic pants and diaper and told him to go shower . Susie followed him to the shower and washed his hair for him first . She then watched as he washed himself . She had him go back over a couple of places and then washed his back for him . She said he had done well and would soon be able to shower by himself . Susie dried Billie 's hair off and then handed Billie a clean dry towel to dry off his body . When he was finished drying himself off , Susie dried off his back that he couldn 't reach . She then told Billie to go get dressed . When Billie got to his bed he found that Liz had laid out this clothes for the day . He first put on his waterproof underpants , and then he put on his school T - shirt . Billie sat on the edge of the bed and put on his socks , he then started his shorts up his legs and then put on and tied his shoes . Billie then stood up and pulled his shorts up over his waterproof underpants . Billie had intended to major in Accounting . He had planned on being a Certified Public Accountant , but both Pete and Bobby were taking Pre - Law with accounting as a minor . They told Billie a lot of lawyers were also CPAs . Billie went to see Mr . Garrison after breakfast to see if he could change his schedule . Mr . Garrison told Billie he would approve the changes . He then gave Billie his new schedule and Billie went back to the dorm to tell Pete and Bobby the news . Bobby and Pete showed Billie where his new classes were and told him all he had to do was stay with them . The boys became the best of friends and were always seen doing everything together . Even through Billie no longer needed the care of the Disabled Dormitory , he was kept there and his aunt was never told of his progress . Billie was taking total care of himself by the end of the first semester with the exception of his night diapers . Billie never could learn to pin his own diaper on and didn 't trust himself enough to not wear the night diapers . Every night one of the student nurses would diaper him for bed and then remove his diaper in the morning . Liz and Frank continued to check Billie 's diaper during the night and changing him according to how wet he was . Billie , Bobby , and Pete all graduated from East Arkansas College at the top of their class and received many honors . The boys all received offer of scholarships from several law schools . Billie 's aunt came to the graduation ceremony and was surprised at his progress at this small school . She was also surprised that he had changed his course of study . She asked Mr . Garrison why she wasn 't consulted . He told her that Billie had made the request on the first day of classes and that he held the Accounting as a Minor , so she didn 't need notification . Mr . Garrison also told her Billie wasn 't her little baby anymore . He explained that Billie still wet the bed and wore diapers to bed to keep both him and the bedding dry . He also said that Billie still had occasional daytime accidents when he exerted himself , but they were not that frequent . He told her Billie hadn 't worn day diapers since the First Semester of school . He then told her that Billie took total care of himself with the exception of his night diapers . He said , " Billie not only takes care of himself , but helps with the disabled students . " All this surprised Billie 's aunt and she asked Billie what made him progress so fast . Billie replied , " The people here trusted in me and let me try to make it alone . " He then told her he was spending the summer with Bobby and Pete before starting Law School . She told him if he didn 't come home with her , she wouldn 't pay his way anymore . Billie then told her that with the scholarship offers he had received , he wouldn 't need her help . He told her the he , Bobby , and Pete had been hired by a Law Firm next to the Law School they were going to . They would work in the accounting sections and also been given opportunity to help prepare law cases . They would be given the chance to work on the research for the different law cases . The money they earned there would be more than enough to pay for any expenses they had that wasn 't covered by their scholarships . Billie felt good as this was the first time in his life he would be independent of anyone . Billie , Pete , and Bobby had gone together and rented a 3 - bedroom house that was wheelchair accessible and close to the college . The school made arrangements with a nearby nursing school to provide the boys with a student nurse to help with their personal care around the clock . The boys spent the summer at Bobby 's parent 's vacation home on the beach at Orlando , Florida . Bobby 's parents were very wealthy and they went all out to make the three boys were as comfortable as they could be for the summer . They also made sure the boys had lots of fun during this summer . Bobby 's mother took care of most of Pete and Bobby 's personal care , but the housekeepers also assisted . Bobby 's mother diapered Billie every night and checked on him during the night . She also was the one to remove his wet diapers and plastic pants in the morning . She seemed to enjoy having these big boys in diapers and changing them . She would often go in and wash Billie 's hair and back as he bathed . She offered to assist him with his bath . She was surprised the first time she saw Billie in his waterproof underwear , as she wasn 't aware of his daytime wetting . Billie told her it didn 't happen that often , but he preferred to be protected instead of embarrassed by wetting his clothes . She told Billie she understood and he didn 't need to be embarrassed by anything there . She also told him if he would prefer diapers , she would be glad to diaper him and keep him clean and dry all the time . The boys really looked forward to going back to school , but sure did miss Bobby 's parents and all the care and attention they had received . However when they returned to school and moved into the house they had rented , they found that they wouldn 't lack for attention . They found that they not only had one student nurse , but a whole class of them that had volunteered to help take care of them . They were getting some college credits for it plus the school was buying their books and paying part of their tuition . The nurses divided into shifts working around their schedule . They would bring their books and study at the boy 's house . However , they didn 't let that interfere with the care they would give the boys . They even volunteered to do more than needed . It seems like anytime of the day or night at least six of the girls were there at the house , even while the boys were in class . One or two of the girls would go to the boy 's classes with them to help if they needed assistance , and would take Pete out to empty his catheter or find a place to change Bobby 's diaper if he messed in them . The student nurses would bathe all three boys at night and rub them down with baby lotion and powder . They told Pete to try wearing a diaper to bed instead of his catheter bag , as this would make him more comfortable . Pete decided that with both Billie and Bobby in diapers that he might as well to . They would just leave his catheter open and let the diapers absorb the pee and then hook the bag back up to the catheter in the morning . The nurses soon had Billie back in daytime diapers as well , explaining they were better protection than his training pants were . They would go with him to the bathroom whenever he asked . Billie soon was asking to go to the bathroom only when he needed to have a BM . He was enjoying the special care they would give him whenever he needed changing . Through the next four years of Law School this was the routine . The boys spent every summer with Bobby 's parents . Bobby 's mother now kept Billie in diapers around the clock just as the student nurses did . She also kept Pete in night diapers with the catheter bag removed . Pete enjoyed this as it was much more comfortable to sleep this way . Bobby 's mother would also put the boy 's in diapers and plastic pants whenever they went swimming in their pool . She tried to get them in the pool at least once a day , as it was good exercise for them . Both Pete and Bobby had physical limitations but had lots more movement in the water . The boys were not allowed to swim unless at least two other persons were in the pool with them . Billie was an excellent swimmer and she would count him as one of the other persons . Often it would be just Billie and Bobby 's mother in the pool with them . The boys really liked this . When the boys graduated from Law School they were the three top students in their classes . The student nurses held a great big party for them the night before graduation and told them how much they would miss them . The boys thanked them for the party and told them they would be missed also . When the Graduation Ceremonies were over , the boys left with Bobby 's parents for their summer home . When they arrived there , they were in for a big surprise . There was a great big banner strung across the front of the house welcoming them home . When they got inside they were greeted by about a hundred people all shouting congratulations . One of them was Pete 's mother . The boys were really surprised and excited . They felt very proud of themselves and knew that Bobby 's parents and Pete 's mother were proud of them to . The boys had to wait a couple of months before they could take their State Law Board Exams . They studied every chance they got and went to Bobby 's father 's Law firm every time he went in to learn as much as they could . They assisted with research on some of the cases and helped prepare some of the other cases . When it came time to take the Law Exams to be admitted to the State Law Board , the boys were well prepared . Bobby 's dad drove them to take their Exams . They had to wait about two weeks to get the results , but all three had scored extremely high . They were now admitted to the Law Board and could now start practicing law in Florida . Bobby 's parents also had a home in Montana and his Dad practiced Law in both states . So the boys now applied to be admitted to the Law Board in Montana . They sent copies of their transcripts from Law School along with a copy of their scores from the Florida Law Boards Exam . The boys were invited up within two weeks to take the Law Exam in Montana . Bobby 's parents flew them there in their private jet . The boys again scored extremely high and were admitted to the Montana Law Board . When they received the noticed that they had passed the Montana Law Exam , Bobby 's Dad had yet another surprise for them . He gave them a big party with a lot of his clients and some of the Junior members of his law firm . When everyone had arrived and were getting their refreshments , Bobby 's dad announced that he was retiring and he was turning the law firm over equally to Bobby , Pete , and Billie . The boys were more stunned than the clients and Junior Members of the firm . The Junior Members didn 't own any portion of the firm ; they just practiced there on a commission . Everyone there congratulated the boys and no one seemed opposed to the move . Bobby 's dad told them how high the boys scored on both exams and that no one should doubt the boys ' capabilities . He also said he would be there to give them any help they might need . The boys all thanked him , but still couldn 't believe he just gave them such a successful law firm . The boys lived with Bobby 's parents still and traveled between the two states staying in their homes in whichever state they were in . The boys hired special secretaries . Their job descriptions listed all the normal duties of a secretary plus they had to change the boys ' diapers and empty Pete 's catheter as needed . This was told to all applicants up front and the boys didn 't have any trouble - hiring secretaries to meet their needs .
Billie had looked forward to graduating from high school . He figured that once school was over , his baby treatment would end . However , Billie still couldn 't stay dry at night and still wet his pants or worse whenever something scared him or he got over excited . Billie would have been diagnosed with ADD today . His aunt just thought he was being lazy and seeking attention and she was going to make sure he got all the attention he could stand by publicly treating him as a baby . Billie 's aunt had planed on sending him to college with the girl next door that had baby - sat for him the past few years . However , Beth had gotten herself pregnant and ran off with her boyfriend just days before college was to start . His aunt was very upset with this incident , as the college she had enrolled him in had agreed to take him only as long as he had a caretaker to take care of him . Now that Beth was gone he no longer had anyone to care for him at college . Now both Billie and his aunt were trying to find a new school for him . He begged his aunt to just let him attend the college of his choice without the diapers and baby treatment . His aunt would not hear of this . She told him as long as he was to big a baby to keep from wetting and soiling his bed and clothes he would be treated like the baby he was in front of the entire world . Needless to say , both Billie and his aunt were very upset over these new developments . Billie was afraid he wouldn 't be able to attend college and get away from his aunt . He knew that as long as he lived at home , he would never be able to get out of diapers . He had grown fond of wearing the diapers and enjoyed being babied by his aunt , but not in public . Someone told Billie and his aunt about a small private college in West Memphis , Arkansas that catered to disabled students and had caretakers on staff . His aunt immediately called East Arkansas College for more information . She explained that Billie wasn 't truly disabled , but that he still wet and soiled himself and therefore was still in diapers and treated like the baby he was . The staff of East Arkansas College assured her that they could easily accommodate Billie and provide him not only with the care he needed , but also give him the best education that was available any where . Billie wasn 't to fond of these new arrangements , but was glad that he would at least be getting away from home . Billie 's aunt had to get busy to get everything ready in time for college to start . They had to go and get a transcript from Billie 's high school with his grades and ACT score . This had to be sent to the college before Billie could be accepted at East Arkansas College . She also had to get plane tickets for Billie to fly from Honolulu to Memphis , Tennessee . The college had told her that they would have a car pick Billie up at the airport in Memphis and drive him to the school in West Memphis , Arkansas . Billie 's aunt got the transcript sent airmail . She then proceeded to packing his things and took them to the airport and had them flown to the college . She didn 't have any doubts that Billie would be accepted at East Arkansas College , as he had been an Honor Student all the way through school and had scored in the upper 90 % on the ACT Test . Within three days the President of East Arkansas College called Billie 's aunt and told her that Billie had been accepted at the school and his clothing and property had arrived . He asked Billie 's aunt to send him to the school as quickly as possible as classes would start the following Monday and it was now Wednesday . Billie 's aunt immediately called the airlines and purchased tickets for Billie to leave Hawaii at 7 : 15am on Friday and would arrive in Memphis at Noon on Saturday . Billie 's aunt woke him at 5 : 30 Friday morning to get him ready for his trip to Arkansas . She first removed his plastic pants and then unpinned his soggy wet diaper . With discuss she asked him " Are you ever going to stop wetting like a baby ? " Without waiting for an answer she took him to the bathroom and sat him on the potty . She always made him sit on the potty baby style , facing the wall . She told him he had better potty well as he wouldn 't have another chance to potty or get his diaper changed until he arrived in West Memphis , Arkansas . Billie 's aunt filled the tub with hot bubbly water while he sat on the potty . She then told him to get in the tub . She washed his hair with baby shampoo ; she then washed his face and neck using Ivory Baby Soap . She then washed his arms , chest , and back still using the baby soap . Then she lifted one leg at a time and washed each leg and rinsed him off . She then had him stand and face her and she washed up the front of his diaper area paying particular attention to his small penis and testicles . Billie never had much pubic hair and what little he did have she kept shaved off so it would be easier to clean him . After she washed the front of his diaper area and rinsed it well she had him to face the wall . She then told him to spread his legs out and bend over so she could really clean the rest of his diaper area . She washed both cheeks of his butt thoroughly . She then lathered up the washcloth and washed between his legs and the crack of his ass . She then wrapped the washcloth around two fingers and washed inside the opening of his ass hole . After she had rinsed him off for the last time she told him to get out of the tub and lay on the large bath towel she had spread out for him . She then gently dried him off . She then took him to his room and had him lay in his crib so she could dress him . She put a heavy coat of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly all over his diaper area . She then placed a thick diaper under him . This was the thickest diaper that he had ever worn . She then had him hold his legs up over his head while she powdered his bottom . Then after he lowered his legs she powdered his private area . She then brought the thick diaper up between his legs and pinned the right side . Then she pulled the diaper as snug as she could and pinned the left side . Billie 's aunt then had him stand up so she could put his plastic pants on him . She was putting a pair of blue Gerber 's pants on him . She pulled the pants up and made sure his diaper was all tucked inside of the plastic pants . She then put an oversize T - shirt on him and told him to sit on the edge of his crib . Then she got out a short - all outfit to put on him . She then started them up his legs and had him sit up so she could pulled them the rest of the way up on him . After she had them pulled up she brought the straps up over his T - shirt and buttoned them . The short - alls had a snap crotch so diapers could be changed without removing them . When Billie started to walk he had great difficulty due to the thickness of the diaper . His aunt took him by the hand and helped him to the kitchen . She prepared a big breakfast for him , as she wasn 't sure what or when he would be able to eat next . She fed him his scrambled eggs , cut up sausage , biscuits and gravy , and Cream of Wheat one spoonful at a time . She quickly cleared off the table and washed off Billie 's face . She then packed a diaper bag full of diapers , plastic pants , and 2 full baby bottles and two empty bottles . She also took another bottle out of the icebox and warmed it . She told him he could drink it on the way to the airport . Billie and his aunt then started out to the car . On the way to the car she told him that she had instructed the airlines that he was partially disabled and they would have to put his beverages in one of his bottles for him to be able to drink it . She also asked that they cut up his food in real small pieces or give him baby food to eat . She had also packed his bib in the diaper bag . She then told him that the airlines didn 't have anyone to help him to use the potty or to change his diapers and that was the reason she had pinned such a thick one on him . She then told him that if it got to uncomfortable , maybe one of the passengers would change him . He told her he wasn 't about to ask anyone to change him . She replied , " Suit yourself ! " She helped him into the car as he was really having a hard time getting around in the thick diapers . She then drove to the airport . She told Billie to stay in the car and she would be back in a minute . She then went and rented an adult stroller and came back and got him . She picked up the diaper bag from the back seat and hooked it on the back of the stroller . She then rolled him to the check in counter . She gave the attendant his tickets and they told her they would take good care of him . Billie 's aunt then gave him one last Good - Bye kiss and told him she had to leave as her car was parked in the loading zone . It wasn 't but about 15 minutes until his plane was loading . One of the attendants pushed him in the stroller up into the plane . He then helped Billie into a seat and fastened his seat belt . Shortly after take - off the flight attendant came back to check on Billie . Billie 's aunt had told the airlines that he was a special needs child when she bought the ticket . Tim , the flight attendant asked Billie if he needed anything and Billie told him he was fine . Tim then unfastened Billie 's seat belt . When lunchtime came around , Tim asked Billie if he was ready to eat . Billie said he was very hungry . Tim told Billie his lunch would soon be ready . Tim reached up overhead and got down Billie 's diaper bag . He then removed Billie 's bib and took out a baby bottle of milk . He then tied the bib on Billie and told him he would be back shortly . Tim took the bottle back to the plane 's gallery and warmed it . He also cut up all of Billie 's food into very small bites . They were serving fried chicken , sweet peas , and mashed potatoes . Tim removed the bones from Billie 's chicken as he cut it up . When he had Billie 's lunch ready he checked the bottle and it was ready to . Most of the other passengers had almost finished eating by now . Tim sat in the empty chair next to Billie and fed him his lunch . He then washed off Billie 's hands and face . He gave Billie his bottle and laid Billie 's seat back . Billie was soon asleep . Billie didn 't wake up until the plane landed in Kansas City . After everyone else was off the plane Tim got the stroller out and helped Billie into it . Tim told Billie he would have to change planes here and that there would be about a six hour lay over . He then told Billie that he was now off duty , but would be flying on to Memphis with him , as that was his home . Tim took Billie off the plane in the stroller . He had hung Billie 's diaper bag on the stroller 's handlebars . He left Billie sitting in the stroller next to the check in counter while he gathered up his reports to turn in on the flight . He then took Billie to the observation tower where they could watch the planes take off and land . They were the only ones there . Tim asked Billie if he was thirsty and Billie said he was . Tim went and bought two cokes . When he came back he poured one of the cokes in one of the empty baby bottles that was in Billie 's diaper bag . He then gave the bottle to Billie . Billie was thirsty and drank the coke fast as he could suck it out of the bottle . Tim stayed with Billie in the observation tower until time for them to load on their plane to Memphis . Billie had taken a good 3 - hour nap . When Billie woke from his nap , Tim asked if he needed anything and Billie replied that he was fine . Tim then asked if he needed to use the potty . Billie told Tim that he had already wet in his diapers several times so didn 't need use the potty . Tim asked Billie if he would like his diapers changed . Billie said he would but that his aunt had told him that the flight attendants wouldn 't be able to do this . Tim explained to Billie that because he was off duty now he could help him . He then took Billie out of the stroller and laid him down on a couch in the observation tower . He unsnapped Billie 's short - alls . He lifted Billie up as he pulled down Billie 's plastic pants and unpinned and then removed the thick , soaked diaper . He removed a damp washcloth from the diaper bag and gently washed of Billie 's diaper area . He then took the baby lotion and baby powder out of the diaper bag and gently applied the lotion to Billie 's diaper area . He then took out 4 diapers and placed then under Billie 's bottom . He then gently powdered Billie 's butt and privates . He then drew the diaper up snug between Billie 's legs and pinned it . He got out a clean pair of plastic pants and put them on Billie . When he started to snap the short - alls he noticed that they were damp , so he removed them . He then told Billie he would just have to wear only the T - shirt over his diapers . He told him that with the T - shirt being so big on him that no one would probably even noticed . Tim put Billie in the stroller and rolled him to the loading gate . Billie was the first to load with Tim pushing him into the plane with the stroller . He once again put Billie into his seat and fastened the seat belt . Soon the rest of the passengers had boarded also . Tim sat in the seat next to Billie and fastened his seat belt as well . Soon the plane was in the air and Tim unfastened both his and Billie 's seat belts . He then pushed back Billie 's seat so he could relax . The flight from Kansas City to Memphis was very pleasant and Billie slept most of the way . Once again Billie waited until all the other passengers were off the plane . Tim then got the stroller down and put Billie in it . He then got the diaper bag and hooked it around the handlebars of the stroller . He then pushed Billie out of the plane and into the airport terminal . The dormitory parents , Liz & Frank , from Billie 's dorm at East Arkansas College were waiting at the gate . They spotted him as Tim pushed him to the gate . They came over and introduced themselves . Tim told them that Billie had been a good passenger and he had eaten well and was of no trouble at all . He also told them he had changed Billie 's diaper at Kansas City , but his diaper probably needed changing again . Billie thanked Tim for being so nice to him and helping him . Frank went and collected Billie 's luggage and then Liz pushed Billie out to the school 's station wagon while Frank carried the luggage . Frank tied the luggage down on top the station wagon while Liz helped Billie into the back of the car . The rear seat was folded down and they had made a bed for him to lie down on . Liz pulled up his T - shirt and put her fingers inside his diaper to check if he was wet . His diapers were damp , but not soaked so she told him she would change him when they got back to the school . It took almost as long to drive to the school as it did to fly to Memphis from Kansas City . When Billy finally got to the school they told him he would be in a dormitory with the physically disabled students . They told him several of the students wore diapers so this shouldn 't create too much of a problem for him . However , volunteer nursing students were used in helping care for them . They told him he would share a room with another student whose only disability was that he was incontinent . Billy was surprised when he entered the dorm , as the walls were only 3 or 4 feet high and there weren 't any doors , not even the bathroom . The only walls were around the Dorm parents ' room and their private bathroom . The bathroom was made accessible for wheelchairs . The commodes had handrails around them and were taller than regular toilets . They didn 't have any bathtubs , just showers . They had special shower chairs for the disabled students to sit in and roll into the shower without getting their wheelchairs wet . Those that could walk could still use the showers , they just had to adjust the shower hose higher up and remember to put them back down for the others to be able to use them . Billy was told that most of the students bathed themselves and dressed with little assistance . Some of the students that were in diapers needed assistance with them and both the dorm parents and the volunteer nursing students would help with that . They told Billy that his aunt had told them he couldn 't diaper himself and that if he didn 't have assistance with bathing , he wouldn 't get himself clean . She also told them that whenever he fed himself he made a mess . She told him that she always made him drink from either a baby bottle or a training cup and that she had sent both along with him . The beds were hospital beds with side rails and they made sure the side rails were up whenever anyone was in bed . Billy was happy that at lease they weren 't baby cribs . He also found out that they were going to work with him as they did all the disabled students to teach him to care for himself as much as possible . Billy was glad that at last maybe he would be able to grow up . The first thing the dorm mother did was to undress Billy while the dorm father unpacked his belongings and put them away . His diaper was soaked and wet and he was glad to get it off . Once he was completely undressed she took him to the toilet and told him to just sit there and relax and see if his bowels would move . She left him there for about 30 minutes and when she came back he hadn 't done anything . She said that was all right and maybe next time they would have better results . His dorm mother , Liz , then took him to the showers . She had Billy sit in one of the shower chairs as she explained to him it would make it easier for her to assist him with his shower . She then adjusted the water to where it was hot , but not to hot . She then hosed him off from head to toe . Then she hung the shower hose back on the wall hook . She next used baby shampoo and gently washed his curly blond hair . She then took the shower hose and rinsed his hair making sure to get all the shampoo out of his hair . Once again she hung the shower hose back on its hook . Liz then took a clean washcloth and lathered it up with a bar of Ivory soap . She then handed it to Billy and told him to wash his face with it . Billy washed his face with the washcloth and then handed it back to Liz . Liz then washed behind Billy 's ears and his neck before she rinsed Billy 's face with the shower hose . Liz lathered the washcloth again with more soap and washed Billy 's arms and underarms and rinsed them off . She then washed and rinsed his back . Next she washed his chest and rinsed it . Liz then lathered the washcloth again and lifted Billy 's legs one at a time and washed them off . She then rinsed both legs off . Liz now had Billy stand up and face her . She then gently washed off his penis , testicles , and between his legs . Next she rinsed out the washcloth and had Billy turn around and face the wall . Now she lathered the washcloth once again and washed his butt . She spread his cheeks and thoroughly washed the crack of his ass , sticking the soaped washcloth into the opening of his ass hole with her finger and rotating it around inside his ass . Liz now took the shower hose and rinsed thoroughly from head to toe . Liz then had Billy sit in the shower chair once again . She now gently dried his hair commenting on what beautiful curly locks he had . She handed Billy a towel to dry his face with . While Billy was drying his face , Liz dried his arms , back and chest . Then once again she lifted his legs one at a time to dry them . She gently dried between each toe as she dried the feet . Now she rolled Billy out of the shower and to the side of his bed . Here she dried off Billy 's entire diaper area as he stood up to get out of the shower chair . Liz now had Billy lay down on his bed . She then had him lift his legs up in the air as she rubbed baby lotion into the crack of his ass and on both buttocks . Next she gently rubbed lotion between his legs . Now Liz rubbed his testicles and sac with the lotion . She had saved the best for last as she rubbed his little penis with the lotion stroking it up and down as she rubbed the lotion in . Liz was now ready to diaper her little baby boy . Once again she had Billy lift his legs into the air as she helped him lift his butt off the bed so she could slide a thick diaper under him and powdered his butt . She then helped him as he lowered his butt onto the diaper and spread out his legs . Liz now powdered Billy 's pubic area and brought the diaper up snugly between his legs . She first pinned the left side of the diaper and then pulled the diaper tightly together on the right side and pinned it . Liz then started putting Billy 's plastic pants on . She put one foot at a time through the leg openings . She then pulled the plastic pants up his legs . She pulled them up over Billy 's butt as he lifted it off the bed . Next she put a school T - shirt on him . She told him all students there wore either the school 's T - shirts in warm weather or the school 's sweat shirts in cool weather . The students were required to purchase at least 3 of each at the start of the school year . Billy 's aunt had already purchased 6 of each for him . Billie was now totally worn out . He felt nice after his bath and getting a fresh diaper on , but now he was ready to rest . It was now around 3 : 30 in the afternoon and Liz told him his supper meal would be at 5 : 30 every evening . She told him to go ahead and take a nap and she would get him up in time to get ready to eat . Liz 's husband Frank , Billie 's dorm father , came to wake Billie at 5 : 10 that evening to get him ready for supper . He told Billie that Liz was busy with another student and that a student nurse would be coming to assist in getting Billie ready . Frank then checked Billie 's diaper and found him to be wet , but that he hadn 't messed in his diaper . Angie , one of the student nurses , came in and introduced herself to Billie . While Frank was removing Billie 's wet diaper , Angie went to get a warm damp washcloth and a towel to wash and dry his diaper area . When Angie got back she very gently washed him off . She then left to put the dirty linen in the wet clothes hamper . While she was gone Frank put lotion and powder on Billie 's bottom . Frank then put some more lotion on his hands and very gently rubbed Billie 's testicles with the lotion . Next Frank lotioned in between Billie 's legs making sure he got into all the creases . Angie was back now and while she got out fresh diapers and plastic pants for Billie , Frank put some more lotion in his hand and now rubbed Billie 's small penis with it . He stoked the penis up and now and rubbed the head of the penis as well . When Frank was finished with rubbing the lotion onto Billie , Angie took over . She first lifted his bottom up off the bed and placed a thick diaper under him . Next she sprinkled some baby powder over his pubic area . Then she brought the diaper up through his legs , pulling it very snug . She first pinned the left side , and then she again pulled the diaper tight and pinned the right side . Frank had left to go help with some other students and Angie finished dressing Billie . First she put Billie 's feet into the leg openings of the plastic pants . Then she slowly worked them up to his bottom . Now she raised him up off the bed , holding him with just one hand she pulled the plastic pants up over his thick diaper . Billie was still wearing his school T - shirt so he was now ready for supper . The students all went to the cafeteria for their meals . Some of the students were in wheelchairs and the dorm parents and cafeteria aides would attach a tray , like a high chair tray , to their wheelchairs . The rest of them sat in regular seats or on some higher stools . Billie was told to sit at the table in a regular seat . This made him very happy . However , his happiness didn 't last long as they soon put an oversize baby bib on him and brought him out his supper on a divider plate like you use for toddlers . His supper consisted of ground turkey ; mashed potatoes & gravy and a baby food jar of mixed vegetables . They also brought out his warm milk in a baby bottle instead of his training cup he had expected . When he started to protest Angie asked him if he would like for her to remove his diaper and plastic pants and give him a spanking right then and there . Billie became a very quiet and well - behaved baby . When Billie finished his supper Angie took him back to the dorm . She first got a wet washcloth and washed off his face and hands . Then she had Billie lay down on his bed as she checked his diaper . She decided that although he was a little damp , he didn 't need to be changed yet . It was time for Angie to leave and she told Billie he could watch some TV and that either Liz or Frank would be back soon . Just as Angie started out the door , Frank came in with two of the other students . Soon everyone was back from supper and both Liz and Frank were there with them . Most all the students sat and watched the TV . Billie fell asleep while watching TV . Frank picked him up and carried him to bed . Frank checked Billie 's diaper and found him wet . He removed Billie 's T - shirt , shoes , and socks . The he took the plastic pants off Billie . Frank next removed Billie 's soaked diaper . Billie slept through all of this . Nest Frank went and got a warm wet washcloth and washed Billie 's diaper area off . Next he put a thick diaper under Billie and rubbed baby lotion on his bottom and then sprinkled baby powder on his butt . He now let Billie 's butt rest on the diaper . Next he spread Billie 's legs apart and he poured a little baby lotion into his hand and rubbed it between Billie 's legs , making sure he got it in all the creases . Next he poured more lotion into his hands and gently rubbed Billie 's testicles and penis . Billie just continued sleeping through all of this . Frank now pulled the diaper snug between Billie 's legs and pinned both sides , making sure the diaper was drawn tight on both sides . Billie was so tired that he slept through the night without waking . Liz woke him at 7 o ' clock in the morning . She checked his diaper and it was soaked . Liz removed his plastic pants and then his diaper . She then took him to the showers and let him wash himself with her watching . She told him to wash well behind his ears . Then when he was washing his arms and legs she told him to scrub good around his elbows , knees , and underarms . After he finish washing his chest and what he could reach of his back he washed between his legs and his private area . Liz washed off the part of Billie 's back that he wasn 't able to reach . After Billie had showered and cleaned himself good , Liz washed his hair for him . She told Billie that she was surprised at what a good job he had done as his aunt had told her that he never got himself clean . Billie felt good about Liz bragging on him . In the past all they ever did was tell him how he couldn 't do anything right . Liz dried Billie 's hair for him and then dried off his back . She then gave the towel to Billie and told him to finish drying off . Billie dried his face and neck first . Billie then dried his chest , arms and legs . Billie next dried off his diaper area . He then dried his feet last . Liz told him to take the towel and dry between his toes real good . She told him he could get athletes feet by not washing and drying between his toes good . Liz gave him a clean towel . She told him not to use the towel he tried his feet with when he was finish with trying his toes . She told him to use the clean towel to dry anywhere he felt damp . She then followed him back to his bed . She told him to lie down on the bed as she got out a clean diaper and a pair of plastic pants for him . Angie came in with another student nurse , Susie , and asked Liz if they could assist any . Liz asked if they would finish getting Billie dressed . Susie got the baby lotion down from the night table and poured some into her hands . She then had Billie roll onto his side and she spread the lotion well all over his bottom . She then had him roll back over onto his back . She got some more lotion in her hands and rubbed it well between his legs and onto his penis and testicles . She made sure she got some into all the creases of his skin . Angie now lifted Billie up by his legs as Susie placed a thick diaper under him and powdered his bottom . Susie sprinkled some powder over the front of his diaper area . Angie now brought the diaper up snugly between his legs and pinned both sides . She now started the plastic pants up his legs . She now had Billie stand up and she pulled the plastic pants up over his diaper making sure the diaper was all tucked inside the plastic pants . Susie brought over one of his school T - shirts and a pair of his shorts . She started to put them on Billie , but Liz came and said she wanted to see if Billie could put them on himself . She then told Billie to go ahead and dress himself . Billie enjoyed being allowed to dress himself . He had no problem getting dressed . Liz then handed Billie his socks and shoes and told him to put them on . She told him to ask for help if he needed it . Susie and Angie watched as Billie put on his socks and shoes with no problem . Billie then tied his shoes without any help . Liz , Susie , and Angie were all amazed . Billie told them he could do a lot for himself , but was never allowed to . He explained to Liz , Angie , and Susie that the only problem he had was that he wet the bed and sometimes had accidents in the daytime , especially when he exerted himself by , crying , laughing , or running . He explained that his aunt got tired of wet clothing and furniture and thought he could help it if he really wanted to . She had taken him to several doctors and they all told her that nothing was physically wrong with him . His aunt took this to mean he was wetting himself on purpose . She then told him if he wanted to wet like a baby she would treat him like a baby . Liz called Frank over and told him what Billie had just told them . Frank and Liz told Billie that they would let him help himself as much as he wanted to try . Susie and Angie told Billie that they would buy him some special pants to wear in the daytime instead of diapers and plastic pants . They told him he could probably help with some of the disabled students . They explained how all the other students were in that dormitory because they suffered from physical or mental disabilities that required extra care . She said the students would love to have a peer that can relate to their situation and be able to assist them . Angie told Billie that the new pants would be like a large pair of waterproof training pants . They explained that he could use the bathroom by himself whenever he needed to and if he had an accident he could just go to his clothes closet and get a clean pair out . They told him to take the clean pair and go to the shower room and clean himself off and put on the clean pair and then redress himself . They also told him that if he needed any assistance all he had to do was ask . Billie was glad that he was going to get a chance to be himself and take care of himself instead of being treated as a baby . He looked forward to getting the new pants . Angie then told him it was time for breakfast and he needed to go with them to the cafeteria . Liz , Frank , Angie , and Susie helped the students that needed help and they all went to the cafeteria together . Billie was surprised to see his high chair set up in the cafeteria . Liz told him that his aunt had sent it , but now that they know his full story and that he really didn 't need to be fed like a baby , they wouldn 't make him use the chair . They asked him if it would be all right to use it for one of the disabled students that had trouble sitting on one of the stools and would be more comfortable in the high chair . Billie was so glad he wasn 't going to have to use it that he told Liz she could give it to whoever she wanted to . Liz told Billie that his aunt had also sent his crib and all his baby clothing , but they were just going to store all the stuff and if Billie showed them he didn 't need it then they would get rid of it all . Billie was really happy . When his breakfast got there he was surprised to see he had a regular plate and he had both orange juice and milk in regular glasses . Billie told Liz he was afraid he would spill the milk and juice as he always had trouble with them . He asked if she would put them into his toddler glass . Liz said she would if he wanted her to , but she wanted him to try using a regular glass when he felt more confident . Billie ate his fried eggs , oatmeal , and pancakes all without any help . He drank his juice first from the toddler glass and then had Susie rinse it out for him and put his milk in it . Billie was real proud of himself , as this was the first time in years he ate a meal without someone feeding him like a baby . Billie waited for the rest of the students in his dormitory to finish eating and they all went back to the dorm together . Two of the boys from his dorm that used wheelchairs , Pete and Bobby , asked him if he would like them to show him around the campus . Billie said he sure would like that . He asked them if they could show him where his councilor 's office was . They said sure thing and took off . Billie was surprised how quick they got about in their wheelchairs , as he had to almost run to keep up with them . They were showing off and giving him a workout at the same time . He asked them what the hurry was and they replied , " No hurry , do you want us to show you hurry ? " Billie said , " No , that will be right . " It wasn 't long until they went up a steep hill . Billie asked if they needed any assistance and they told him they would let him know if they did . At the top of the hill they pointed to a large brick building . Billie could see a sign over the doorway that said , " East Arkansas College Administration Building . " Billie could also see that there were 5 steps to get up to the doorway . He asked Pete and Bobby if they wanted to go in with him . They told him that they couldn 't climb the steps and there wasn 't a ramp . Billie asked how they talked to their councilors and got their schedules . They told him that their councilors came to the dorm and brought their schedules to them . Billie asked if they had ever been in this building and they told him they hadn 't . He then said he wanted them with him when he talked with his councilor . He said he was scared and needed their moral support . He said he could help them in one at a time . They at last agreed . Billie first told Pete to roll his wheelchair to the steps and then turn it around . Billie then grabbed the handles with his hands and stepped on the bar by the wheels . This way , could tilt the wheelchair backwards , and pull the chair up over the steps , one step at a time . After Billie had Pete up the steps , Pete rolled into the building and Billie went back to get Bobby . Billie just repeated the same routine he had used with Pete . Soon all three boys were up the steps and in the building . It didn 't take them long to find Mr . Garrison 's , Billie 's Councilor , office . Mr . Garrison was surprised when Billie , Pete , and Bobby all came into his office together . Mr . Garrison was also Pete & Bobby 's Councilor . Pete introduced Billie to Mr . Garrison . Mr . Garrison asked Pete how he and Bobby got into the building . Pete said , " Our friend Billie pulled us up the steps . " Billie told him the chairs rolled easily up the steps when they were tilted back as neither of the boys was very heavy . Mr . Garrison got out Billie 's schedule and went over it with him . He asked Billie if he wanted him to show him where his classes were . Billie , Pete , and Bobby all answered together , " We won 't need you to . " Billie then helped Pete and Bobby down the steps . Pete took Billie 's schedule and led the way to the different classes and Billie and Bobby followed . It didn 't take the boys long to find all Billie 's classes . Billie noticed that the only building that they had gone to that Pete and Bobby couldn 't get in was the Administration Building . Billie asked Bobby and Pete if they had trouble getting in any of the other buildings . They told him that the school had made everything else accessible to wheelchairs and that they had a lift ordered for the Administration building so it would be accessible to wheelchair users soon . Billie was glad to hear that . It was close to noon before the boys got back to the dorm . Most of the other students had already gone to the cafeteria . Liz , the dorm mother , had stayed behind to wait for them . She first asked Billy if he needed a diaper change . Billie was embarrassed by her asking him in front of Pete and Bobby . Billie 's face turned red from the embarrassment . Liz apologized and told Billie she didn 't mean to embarrass him . She said Pete and Bobby were used to different students needing diapers . She explained that while Pete had a catheter in him , Bobby wore diapers also . Both Bobby and Pete told him there wasn 't anything to be embarrassed by . Billie explained that he didn 't have any type of physical disability , his aunt had just put him in them because she was tired of him wetting like a baby . Both boys told Billie that they didn 't think he was a baby . Billie told Liz he wasn 't wet , but he needed to use the bathroom . Liz asked him if he could get the diaper and plastic pants off by himself . He said he didn 't know but would try to . Billie went to the bathroom while Liz changed Bobby 's diapers . Billie didn 't have any trouble getting his diapers off to use the toilet , but couldn 't get them back on . He went ahead and pulled up his plastic pants and his shorts and carried his diapers and pins back over to where Liz was . Liz was just finishing up changing Bobby when Billie got there . He told her he didn 't have any problem using the bathroom , but couldn 't get the diaper back on . Liz told him not to worry about it as she had a surprise for him , but first she had to empty Pete 's catheter bag . Her and Pete went to the toilet and she empty his bag and washed her hands . When Liz and Pete got back she told Billie to go look in the top drawer of his chest of drawers . When Billie opened the drawer he found the new pants that Susie and Angie had bought him . Liz told him to take off his shorts and plastic pants and put on a pair of the new pants . Billie did as he was told . Liz asked him if they fit right and if they were comfortable . He told her that they both fit right and were comfortable . She then told him to put his shorts back on and for him , Bobby , and Pete all to go to lunch . She told Billie to put his plastic pants in the laundry . Billie , Pete , and Bobby all got the same lunch . They had salad , chicken fried steak , mash potatoes with gravy on both the meat and potatoes , corn on the cob , and a piece of cherry pie . Billie cut up his own meat for the first time . He even helped cut up Pete and Bobby 's meat as Frank , Susan , and Angie had gone back to the Dorm with the other students and Liz hadn 't came to the cafeteria yet . Then all three had a carton of milk to drink . Billie opened all three of them and he really was proud of himself . Billie even drank his milk from the carton and spilled only a couple of drops . When Liz got there all three boys were over half way through eating their lunch . She asked them who cut up their meat and opened their milk carton . She was surprised when Bobby and Pete told her that Billie had . She looked over at Billie and said , " I 'm very proud of you , and see , you can drink without using the toddler cup . " When the boys finished their lunches and returned to the dormitory , Pete and Bobby asked Billie if he wanted to play some basketball . Billie didn 't know how they could play basketball from their wheelchair , but agreed to . Billie was in for a surprise as the boys beat him in basketball . They explained to him that just because they had some physical problems , it didn 't mean that they couldn 't still enjoy the same things in life that he did . Billie rushed to the boy 's rest room there in the gym . He had felt his new pants getting damp while he was playing basketball . He both emptied his bladder and had a bowel movement while he was on the toilet . He was ashamed he had wet his new pants and afraid that they would put him back in diapers . It was almost dinnertime when they got back to the dorm . Frank took Pete to empty his catheter . Liz took Bobby to change him and help him wash up for dinner . Susie was helping some of the other students and Angie asked Billie how he liked his new pants . Billie 's faced turned bright red from shame . Angie knew something was wrong so she asked Billie what was the matter . Billie explained to her that he had wet the pants some while playing basketball . She said that they knew he might have some accidents and that was why they bought him the pants . She told him he didn 't do anything to be ashamed of and that he wasn 't going to be punished or be put back in diapers . Angie told Billie to get a clean pair of his new underpants out and go to the shower room . She told him to take a quick shower , washing his diaper area real good . She told him to then get dressed and meet the rest of them in the cafeteria for dinner . Billie did as he was told and after showering he dried himself off as good as he could and then dressed himself . He felt good ; as this was the first time in years he had showered and dressed himself all without anyone helping him . Billie went to the cafeteria and joined the others for dinner . He got a chair and pulled it up between Pete and Bobby . Tonight they had spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread . They also had a piece of carrot cake for desert . Billie asked Liz if she had another bib like Bobby and Pete were wearing . He told her that he really couldn 't eat spaghetti without making a mess . Liz asked him if he wouldn 't like to at least try . He said he would really prefer having a bib to wear . So Liz took a bib out of the sack she had bought with her and tied it around Billie . Liz then told Billie to eat as if he didn 't have a bib . She wanted to see if he could eat without making a mess . Billie ate as carefully as he could , but still spilled a lot all over the bib . He was glad he had the bib . Alice was busy helping Pete to clean up after dinner and Frank was helping some of the other disabled students . Susie was helping Bobby and Angie asked Billie if she could help him . Billie said he would like for her to help him clean up . Angie carefully removed Billie 's bib , as it was full of spaghetti . She asked Billie in a joking way if he had gotten any in his mouth . She said , " I doubt if you got any of this in your mouth . Are you still hungry ? Billie laughed and replied , " Believe it or not I 'm full . " Angie washed off Billie 's face and hands with a damp washcloth she got out of Liz 's bag . The three boys all headed back to the dorm with their dorm parents . Angie and Susie had to go study , but said they would be back to help get them to bed . Billie was so happy that he had become friends with Bobby and Pete . Bobby and Pete felt the same way about him . In one days time the three boys had become really close . When they got back to the dorm they watched some TV . The boys didn 't really like anything that was on . They decided to play a game . Bobby asked the others if they knew how to play LIFE . The other two boys told him they knew how to play . The three boys played the game of LIFE for the next three hours . Liz came and told them it was time to get ready for bed . They told her that the game wasn 't finished yet . Liz told them they would just have to see who was ahead now and that person would be the winner . The boys cashed in all their assets and counted their money . Billie had won by several thousand dollars . Billie told Pete and Bobby good night as he saw Liz , Angie , and Susie heading towards them . Billie said , " Here comes the three stooges ! " Pete and Bobby both laughed and the three of them were still laughing as Liz , Susie , and Angie got to them . Liz asked the boys , " Do you think we 're three stooges ? " The boys still laughing replied , " No ! " while still laughing . Susie and Angie looked at Billie and told him , " We 'll show you how we 're stooges when we get your little butt ready for bed . Billie said , " Don 't get uptight , I was only joking , " Susie then said , " We 're not upset . We 're glad to see you three have made such good friends and were even more glad to see the three of you laughing . " Angie then said , " Laughter is something we all could use more of in this dorm . Then Liz said , " Just remember that laughter is the best medicine . Liz then took Bobby and started getting him ready for bed . Sue took Pete and Angie took Billie . Angie asked Billie how he liked his first full day at the school . Billie told her he had the best day he could remember in his life . Angie then told him to sit on his bed . While Angie was removing Billie 's socks and shoes she told him she was happy he was doing so well . Angie then told him he was sure good medicine for both Pete and Bobby . She told him she hadn 't seen them so happy and enjoying themselves since they had been there . She helped Bobby out of his shirt and then told him to lie down . She told him he could remove his own shorts and underpants { his waterproof pants ) . Billie took them both off . Angie picked up Billie 's underpants and felt them and was both surprised and happy to find they were dry . She then asked Billie if he thought he could stay dry at night . Billie said he didn 't think he could . She then asked if he thought the underpants would provide him with enough protection or if he needed to wear a thick diaper at night . Billie told her he needed the diaper . Angie then got the baby lotion and rubbed it into Billie 's diaper area . She told Billie to lift his bottom of the bed as she placed the thick diaper under him and powdered his bottom . Then after he put his legs and bottom back down she sprinkled baby powder on his penis and testicles . She then bought the diaper up snugly between his legs and pinned it . Angie now told Billie goodnight . She then told him she would see him in the morning . Angie then joined Susie and they returned to their own dorm . The two girls talked about how happy the three boys had been today . They also talked about how Billie could really take care of himself and didn 't need diapers except at bedtime . The girls still had to study more as they prepared for the first day of nursing school . Both girls had to take tests that would allow them credit for some courses without having to take them . Liz and Frank told the all the boys in the dorm goodnight . Then they went to their quarters and retired . Liz would wake at 1 o ' clock in the morning and check each student to make sure they were sleeping fine . If they were wet she would change them . She would also check the boys with catheters and empty their bags and straighten their hoses as needed . Frank would get up at 4 o ' clock in the morning and do the same . When Liz made her 1 o ' clock rounds she found Billie wide - awake and rumbling around in his bed restless . Liz asked Billie what was wrong and he said he didn 't know . She asked if there was anything she could do . Billie said he had always taken a bottle of warm milk to bed and maybe that would help . Liz asked him if he was sure he wanted his warm milk in a baby bottle or if he would prefer it in a glass . Billie didn 't want his dorm mother thinking of him as a baby after she had bragged on him earlier , but he didn 't want to spill milk in his bed either . He told Liz how he felt and she told him not to worry about anything . She warmed him some milk and poured it into one of Billie 's baby bottles . She took it to him and Billie thanked her . Liz made the rest of her rounds . Liz thought she 'd check back on Billie before she went back to bed after she had finished her rounds . She was very surprised to find Billie fast asleep with the nipple of the baby bottle still in his mouth . She was happy that he was now sleeping and went to bed . When Frank got up at 4 o ' clock in the morning , he made his rounds the same as Liz had earlier . He found a couple of boys that needed their diapers changed . Frank like changing the boy 's diapers , as he liked rubbing baby lotion on their penises . He changed their diapers and emptied some catheters before he got to Billie . He was surprised to see the baby bottle in Billie 's mouth . The bottle was almost empty and Billie wasn 't sucking it , but still held it in his mouth . When Frank checked Billie 's diaper he was even more surprised to find it only barely damp and not needing changed . When Frank finished his round he gently woke Liz up when he returned to their quarters . Frank asked her " Did you give Billie a baby bottle ? " Liz told him , " Yes , he wasn 't able to sleep and asked for it . I checked back on him at the end of my round and the bottle was still mostly full , but he was asleep . Frank told her he had found the bottle mostly empty and the boy sleeping well . He also told Liz that Billie 's diaper was just barely damp and didn 't need changing . He asked her if she had changed it . Liz told him , " No , it was dry when I checked it . " They both were beginning to think maybe this boy didn 't even need a diaper at night . Susie and Angie got there about 6 : 45 that morning . Liz invited them to sit down and join them for a cup of coffee . Both girls sat down as Liz poured them some coffee . Frank told the girls about how Billie had asked for a bottle of warm milk in order to sleep . He then told them how Billie 's diaper had been only damp when he checked it at 4 o ' clock that morning . Both Susie and Liz were surprised at what Frank had told them . Liz then told them that whichever one checked Billie to save him for last , as he would need the least amount of help . The four of them then started getting all the kids up and ready for Breakfast . They were dressing them for their classes now , as some of them wouldn 't have time after breakfast to get ready . This morning Susie was the one to check on Billie . She thought how cute he looked lying there in his diaper and plastic pants and with the baby bottle still in his mouth . The baby bottle was now empty so he must of sucked on it off and on all night . She called out his name and he woke up . He seemed to be surprised and embarrassed by the empty bottle in his mouth as he woke up . Susie didn 't say anything about the bottle and asked him how he felt this morning . Billie told her , " I 'm ashamed of being a big baby still needing diapers and baby bottles . " Susie told him , " Don 't be ashamed . You 've made a lot of progress the past 2 days . With your past I 'm surprised at the progressed you 've made . Don 't ever put yourself down anymore . " This made Billie feel much better . Susie reached inside of Billie 's plastic pants to check his diaper and found him soaked . She didn 't say a word and just removed his plastic pants and diaper and told him to go shower . Susie followed him to the shower and washed his hair for him first . She then watched as he washed himself . She had him go back over a couple of places and then washed his back for him . She said he had done well and would soon be able to shower by himself . Susie dried Billie 's hair off and then handed Billie a clean dry towel to dry off his body . When he was finished drying himself off , Susie dried off his back that he couldn 't reach . She then told Billie to go get dressed . When Billie got to his bed he found that Liz had laid out this clothes for the day . He first put on his waterproof underpants , and then he put on his school T - shirt . Billie sat on the edge of the bed and put on his socks , he then started his shorts up his legs and then put on and tied his shoes . Billie then stood up and pulled his shorts up over his waterproof underpants . Billie had intended to major in Accounting . He had planned on being a Certified Public Accountant , but both Pete and Bobby were taking Pre - Law with accounting as a minor . They told Billie a lot of lawyers were also CPAs . Billie went to see Mr . Garrison after breakfast to see if he could change his schedule . Mr . Garrison told Billie he would approve the changes . He then gave Billie his new schedule and Billie went back to the dorm to tell Pete and Bobby the news . Bobby and Pete showed Billie where his new classes were and told him all he had to do was stay with them . The boys became the best of friends and were always seen doing everything together . Even through Billie no longer needed the care of the Disabled Dormitory , he was kept there and his aunt was never told of his progress . Billie was taking total care of himself by the end of the first semester with the exception of his night diapers . Billie never could learn to pin his own diaper on and didn 't trust himself enough to not wear the night diapers . Every night one of the student nurses would diaper him for bed and then remove his diaper in the morning . Liz and Frank continued to check Billie 's diaper during the night and changing him according to how wet he was . Billie , Bobby , and Pete all graduated from East Arkansas College at the top of their class and received many honors . The boys all received offer of scholarships from several law schools . Billie 's aunt came to the graduation ceremony and was surprised at his progress at this small school . She was also surprised that he had changed his course of study . She asked Mr . Garrison why she wasn 't consulted . He told her that Billie had made the request on the first day of classes and that he held the Accounting as a Minor , so she didn 't need notification . Mr . Garrison also told her Billie wasn 't her little baby anymore . He explained that Billie still wet the bed and wore diapers to bed to keep both him and the bedding dry . He also said that Billie still had occasional daytime accidents when he exerted himself , but they were not that frequent . He told her Billie hadn 't worn day diapers since the First Semester of school . He then told her that Billie took total care of himself with the exception of his night diapers . He said , " Billie not only takes care of himself , but helps with the disabled students . " All this surprised Billie 's aunt and she asked Billie what made him progress so fast . Billie replied , " The people here trusted in me and let me try to make it alone . " He then told her he was spending the summer with Bobby and Pete before starting Law School . She told him if he didn 't come home with her , she wouldn 't pay his way anymore . Billie then told her that with the scholarship offers he had received , he wouldn 't need her help . He told her the he , Bobby , and Pete had been hired by a Law Firm next to the Law School they were going to . They would work in the accounting sections and also been given opportunity to help prepare law cases . They would be given the chance to work on the research for the different law cases . The money they earned there would be more than enough to pay for any expenses they had that wasn 't covered by their scholarships . Billie felt good as this was the first time in his life he would be independent of anyone . Billie , Pete , and Bobby had gone together and rented a 3 - bedroom house that was wheelchair accessible and close to the college . The school made arrangements with a nearby nursing school to provide the boys with a student nurse to help with their personal care around the clock . The boys spent the summer at Bobby 's parent 's vacation home on the beach at Orlando , Florida . Bobby 's parents were very wealthy and they went all out to make the three boys were as comfortable as they could be for the summer . They also made sure the boys had lots of fun during this summer . Bobby 's mother took care of most of Pete and Bobby 's personal care , but the housekeepers also assisted . Bobby 's mother diapered Billie every night and checked on him during the night . She also was the one to remove his wet diapers and plastic pants in the morning . She seemed to enjoy having these big boys in diapers and changing them . She would often go in and wash Billie 's hair and back as he bathed . She offered to assist him with his bath . She was surprised the first time she saw Billie in his waterproof underwear , as she wasn 't aware of his daytime wetting . Billie told her it didn 't happen that often , but he preferred to be protected instead of embarrassed by wetting his clothes . She told Billie she understood and he didn 't need to be embarrassed by anything there . She also told him if he would prefer diapers , she would be glad to diaper him and keep him clean and dry all the time . The boys really looked forward to going back to school , but sure did miss Bobby 's parents and all the care and attention they had received . However when they returned to school and moved into the house they had rented , they found that they wouldn 't lack for attention . They found that they not only had one student nurse , but a whole class of them that had volunteered to help take care of them . They were getting some college credits for it plus the school was buying their books and paying part of their tuition . The nurses divided into shifts working around their schedule . They would bring their books and study at the boy 's house . However , they didn 't let that interfere with the care they would give the boys . They even volunteered to do more than needed . It seems like anytime of the day or night at least six of the girls were there at the house , even while the boys were in class . One or two of the girls would go to the boy 's classes with them to help if they needed assistance , and would take Pete out to empty his catheter or find a place to change Bobby 's diaper if he messed in them . The student nurses would bathe all three boys at night and rub them down with baby lotion and powder . They told Pete to try wearing a diaper to bed instead of his catheter bag , as this would make him more comfortable . Pete decided that with both Billie and Bobby in diapers that he might as well to . They would just leave his catheter open and let the diapers absorb the pee and then hook the bag back up to the catheter in the morning . The nurses soon had Billie back in daytime diapers as well , explaining they were better protection than his training pants were . They would go with him to the bathroom whenever he asked . Billie soon was asking to go to the bathroom only when he needed to have a BM . He was enjoying the special care they would give him whenever he needed changing . Through the next four years of Law School this was the routine . The boys spent every summer with Bobby 's parents . Bobby 's mother now kept Billie in diapers around the clock just as the student nurses did . She also kept Pete in night diapers with the catheter bag removed . Pete enjoyed this as it was much more comfortable to sleep this way . Bobby 's mother would also put the boy 's in diapers and plastic pants whenever they went swimming in their pool . She tried to get them in the pool at least once a day , as it was good exercise for them . Both Pete and Bobby had physical limitations but had lots more movement in the water . The boys were not allowed to swim unless at least two other persons were in the pool with them . Billie was an excellent swimmer and she would count him as one of the other persons . Often it would be just Billie and Bobby 's mother in the pool with them . The boys really liked this . When the boys graduated from Law School they were the three top students in their classes . The student nurses held a great big party for them the night before graduation and told them how much they would miss them . The boys thanked them for the party and told them they would be missed also . When the Graduation Ceremonies were over , the boys left with Bobby 's parents for their summer home . When they arrived there , they were in for a big surprise . There was a great big banner strung across the front of the house welcoming them home . When they got inside they were greeted by about a hundred people all shouting congratulations . One of them was Pete 's mother . The boys were really surprised and excited . They felt very proud of themselves and knew that Bobby 's parents and Pete 's mother were proud of them to . The boys had to wait a couple of months before they could take their State Law Board Exams . They studied every chance they got and went to Bobby 's father 's Law firm every time he went in to learn as much as they could . They assisted with research on some of the cases and helped prepare some of the other cases . When it came time to take the Law Exams to be admitted to the State Law Board , the boys were well prepared . Bobby 's dad drove them to take their Exams . They had to wait about two weeks to get the results , but all three had scored extremely high . They were now admitted to the Law Board and could now start practicing law in Florida . Bobby 's parents also had a home in Montana and his Dad practiced Law in both states . So the boys now applied to be admitted to the Law Board in Montana . They sent copies of their transcripts from Law School along with a copy of their scores from the Florida Law Boards Exam . The boys were invited up within two weeks to take the Law Exam in Montana . Bobby 's parents flew them there in their private jet . The boys again scored extremely high and were admitted to the Montana Law Board . When they received the noticed that they had passed the Montana Law Exam , Bobby 's Dad had yet another surprise for them . He gave them a big party with a lot of his clients and some of the Junior members of his law firm . When everyone had arrived and were getting their refreshments , Bobby 's dad announced that he was retiring and he was turning the law firm over equally to Bobby , Pete , and Billie . The boys were more stunned than the clients and Junior Members of the firm . The Junior Members didn 't own any portion of the firm ; they just practiced there on a commission . Everyone there congratulated the boys and no one seemed opposed to the move . Bobby 's dad told them how high the boys scored on both exams and that no one should doubt the boys ' capabilities . He also said he would be there to give them any help they might need . The boys all thanked him , but still couldn 't believe he just gave them such a successful law firm . The boys lived with Bobby 's parents still and traveled between the two states staying in their homes in whichever state they were in . The boys hired special secretaries . Their job descriptions listed all the normal duties of a secretary plus they had to change the boys ' diapers and empty Pete 's catheter as needed . This was told to all applicants up front and the boys didn 't have any trouble - hiring secretaries to meet their needs .
, 03 - 28 - 2012 at 04 : 56 PM I had a dream about my teacher again . I don 't know why he 's stuck in my head . I suppose he is kind of cute . Anyway , in this dream we had just gotten out of class and as I was leaving he took me aside and started kissing my neck and stuff . Of course , it was very enjoyable , but it felt like it had been going on for a little bit . Like this wasn 't the first time . I kept telling him he needed to be careful because we could both get into a lot of trouble , not to mention , he could lose his job . He really didn 't seem to care and kept touching me . Ahhh . . . thinking about it now . . . sorta gives me butterflies . I need to stop thinking about how cute my teacher is . If he keeps getting into my dreams I 'm afraid it 's going to be really weird in class for me the next couple of months . lol I feel so badddd . I suppose every married woman has a fantasy , right ? It 's just a matter of not actually trying to make it happen . That would end up very embarrassing , I 'm sure . Luckily , I 'm not in highschool anymore and I know it 's just my own imagination . I don 't think this is a bad thing , since I know better than to believe it to come true . Needless to say , it was a nice dream . I do feel a bit guilty , but hey , I wasn 't lucid . . . . >.> right ? , 03 - 26 - 2012 at 08 : 57 PM I fell asleep at 4am and dreamed about The Sims and one of my professors . ( I 'd seen this professor the other day around town and said hi , remembering that spring break is over and I go back tomorrow ) . So I had gone back to class and he was trying this new thing . He wanted us to play The Sims and create ourselves or something . A starter house . I remember thinking , really ? I 've been playing this game for 12 years and you want us to play the original version . ( I really have been playing that long , I just counted it up and Wow , I 'm a loser . lol ) Anyway , in the dream I was all big - headed and knew I would be the best player there . lol . I realize how silly that sounds , but I was really excited to show my " simmin ' " skills . So I 'm sitting at this computer for a while and I 'm looking around at other people playing the game . Their screens look different than mine and not in any physical way in how they appeared , but they seemed different , brighter and more new than mine . Still , not in appearance , I guess in my head . Anyway , a few people start getting up and leaving and my professor is telling them goodbye , see ya thursday . I get up and say , wow , is it time to leave already ? I start grabbing my things and realize that a few students had stayed and were sitting in a circular group on the floor in the middle of the room . My professor was with them and they had looked at me when I spoke . I saw that the clock on the wall read 5 : 42 , but it wasn 't a digital clock or anything so it looked a lot bigger than usual and it 's a fuzzy picture , but hey , I knew the time . I realized we still had another 45 minutes of class left . I asked him if we could go and he said yea , that 's fine . I turn to leave but I notice the look on my professor 's face . His eyes are bright and he 's smiling at me . I stop and say , well , I guess I can hang out with you guys for a bit . I go to join the group and wake up at 6am with my son in his bed , ready to eat some breakfast . I was actually enjoying the dream . So I was little upset to wake up from it . I really don 't know why , it wasn 't anything spectacular . Sometimes good dreams don 't even seem all that great when you 're in them , but when you wake up , you realize you were having a good time . I need to quit playing The Sims , but they do have an interesting way of working into your dreams . When I was 12 or so my aunt had the game at her house and we didn 't have a computer . I 'd stay with her for a week or so every now and then and I remember getting really hooked on that game . She 'd let me stay up all night and play it . When I had gone home the next few weeks I kept having dreams about playing . I remember even at 12 that playing in the dream was a lot more fun than in real life . I knew I could do so much more with it in my dream . Interestingly enough , that 's around the same time I had my first lucid dream . I was walking around a grocery store in nothing but a towel . I heard the name of the store several times but it 's nothing I can remember , and it was a really long name for a grocery store . I saw a sign on the wall that said they were hiring . When the manager saw me he was shocked to see me in a towel , but he anxiously walked over to a box where applicants would put their apps . He was asking me if I had applied and I said no . I asked him how many people he was hiring and he told me two . He told me he just needed people to do prep work . I saw that he had already had two apps in so I just shrugged , " I don 't really need a job , sorry . " I said . Then I walked around the store some more , but I don 't remember much of the detail . I grabbed a fresh onion and started eating it in the store . Nobody cared . On my way out to leave , I recognized the produce boy as this guy I used to work with in fast food . He smiled and I waved . I grabbed a bell pepper and kind of floated over the stand of vegies . The guy checked behind himself real quick to see if the manager had seen me . , 02 - 09 - 2012 at 09 : 05 PM I had a dream that my hubby and I were packing up boxes ( we 're getting ready to move in RL ) and I went into our bedroom . When I walked by the bathroom I noticed something unusual . I walked inside and the tub was filled up with water . Not only was it filled up with water , but it was like . . . filled up PAST the line but it wasn 't over flowing . It was like looking at water through an invisible tub , if that makes sense . Like glass was surrounding it but it wasn 't . As I was staring in wonder at this piece of work , I noticed that I was standing in water . The whole bathroom was now an invisible force holding up water . I pulled the plug out of the tub to let it drain . Then I noticed something else strange . The water was now only water - like on top , on the surface and it was just air below . It 's so hard to explain . Anyway , I stepped out of the water - filled bathroom and ran down the hallway . " T , I think we have a big problem . I let the water out of the tub and now it 's flooding our bathroom and bedroom . " He ran with me down the hallway . The water was in our bedroom now and we were trying to save our stuff . I picked up my son and told T to get our clothes and stuff together so we could leave and that I would get my son 's stuff . He said ok and then we both started to leave the bedroom . T put my son down in the hallway and we stared in horror at the door to the bathroom . There was a strange shadow figure standing behind it . I picked up my son to protect him from whatever it was and T opened the door . There was nothing there but the strange water . Then I turned suddenly down the hallway and there was something , I think , standing by the baby gate that we keep there . I couldn 't look at it directly , like it was in a blind spot . But my first instinct told me it was alien . So without hesitation I ran towards it to attack . ( I always , ALWAYS , approach aliens like this in my dreams . ) I remember thinking , oh my god , it 's happening , it 's just like in my dreams . ( stupid . ) I had a long and interesting dream about one my teachers . She 's my online teacher and I 've only met her once on campus in person , but her name was different and it started with an L . I had been on a stage with this girl that I used to be best friends with in high school . We were goofing around , spinning around on chairs and stuff . I thought we were going to get in trouble but Ms . L was laughing at us like we were her favorite students . We were there for some kind of audition , but we never did anything but spin around on chairs , goofing off . We were selected anyway . Then we were living on some kind of campus with Ms . L . Ms . L and two other teachers lived in this little area where there were three houses . There was a gate though . I went to visit Ms . L for some reason and rang a bell at the gate . I didn 't know which one I had rang because they weren 't labeled . I was hoping I 'd get lucky though . I waited for a while and kept wondering if I should have come this late . I realized it was like nine at night . Finally I figured nobody was coming and nobody had heard me , but I was thankful they didn 't because I didn 't want to get in trouble . Before I turn to leave the lady who lived on the right side was checking her mail . She was kind of rude , but I said , you 're Ms . ( something ) right ? She was like yea , you should go to bed now . So I turn to leave and I ran into this kid . ( This kid looked like a character in the X - Files episode I watched right before bed . ) He wanted me to follow him so I did . He broke through the gate and everything is hazy after that . I remember it feeling like some sort of video game , like we were in a pinball machine . Then he took me into this room and he started throwing knives down at this person on the ground . He wanted to kill the person , but he was just messing with him . I was begging him to just let me out and I swore I wouldn 't tell anyone what he was doing . I was trying to act nonchalant about it , like " who cares what you do . " but I planned to call the cops if he let me out . I was really freaked out . He just kept throwing down the knives and this poor victim on the floor had knives sticking out of his skin and he was crying and screaming for help . I didn 't know what to do . But I 'm going to be selfish and keep that part to myself . I really don 't feel like explaining the entire dream , but there is one part that is bothering me . In the dream , my fiancee 's ex - girlfriend came by while he was sleeping . Her hair was purple instead of blonde and she wore a strange hippie / hobo outfit that matched her hair . I didn 't even know it was her until she started to leave . She came to the door and was trying to keep her head down while telling me to give ' these ' to T . ' These ' was a portfolio of paintings she had made and had wanted him to see . I asked her who she was and she just hurried off . Then I realized who it was and called her by name . She turned to look at me , but continued to leave . As I was standing in the doorway , I called T 's name to wake him . She protested with a gesture and was gone . I went back inside and hesitated about opening the portfolio . I decided not to and laid it on the counter . I went off to one of the bedrooms . I was talking to someone ( my ex I believe ) but he actually looked and sounded like my fiancee . He was commenting on what just happened , saying , " that was weird . " When I went back into the living room , the portfolio was torn to pieces . My " ex " picked up some pieces and said , " Wow , these are actually really good . " I was scared . I hadn 't expected my fiance to wake up so soon or what kind of reaction he would make . I wandered down the hallway after hearing his voice . He was talking real muffled and I thought it was him crying for a moment . He was in the bathtub and I peeked it . I felt bad for him and asked if he was okay . He directed all of his anger at me by shouting at me to leave . I began to cry . Then in the same dream , but much later , one of my REAL ex - boyfriends was trying to hook up with me . I don 't know what this was all about , but I wish I hadn 't had the dream about my fiancee 's ex , those are ALWAYS bad for me . But , I think about my Maynard dream and smile . , 12 - 29 - 2011 at 07 : 10 PM No lucidity yet during this break . I have been enjoying my dream time though . I suppose I do have moments of lucidity that I can hardly remember . I just get brief flashbacks randomly throughout the day . I love those feelings . During these brief spurts of lucidity , sometimes , I am just lying there and everything is beautiful like an acid trip . I smile and my body begins zooming through some sort of portal ( you could describe it as ) . It 's such an amazing feeling . I may not be fully lucid and able to prolong and actually do things , but I know I can still do it when I 'm ready to start again . I wish I was like some on here that can become lucid every night , any time they want . Props to you guys and your contributions to this awesome community of dreamers . It 's been a year since I 've joined and not a day goes by that I don 't think about lucid dreaming . Motivation is always there , it 's time which is the problem . I 've always been interested in lucid dreaming since my accidental lucid dream when I was 11 or so . It 's always been a goal to become better at it . I always felt kind of weird for it though because I didn 't know anyone else who was practicing this . So it was an off and on interest throughout my teen years . When I found this forum I was hesitant about joining and posting . I was welcomed with the warmest greetings and made some awesome friends who share a passion for dreaming and all other things expanding consciousness . I guess this post is really just to shout out to the community . I 'm still here and checking in . To business - here 's a glimpse at my dream life as of late , not any particular order or dated either . The first dream I want to share here is yet another alien dream . = / I was living with my two sisters and my sister 's husband . My oldest sister , D - - - , was asleep in the bedroom with her husband and I had come home late . We were all living in my house , but it was hers . Anyway , it was late and I snuck inside . I went to the bedroom and crouched down behind her bed , smiling . I have no idea why . I began to hear someone at the door and knew it was my other sis , De - - - - , coming home late also . I ran down the hallway to greet her , knowing I 'd probably scare her . I went around the corner and ran into her and we laughed . Then I saw something move behind her . It was really small and I feel like if I hadn 't said anything , then nothing would have happened . But I did say something , " Whoa , what was that ? Did you see that ? " She had no idea what I was talking about . I shh - ed her and turned her around to look . I pointed at something in the dark and suddenly it ran around the room and towards us . It was really short , maybe a foot high but I knew it was alien . I can 't remember any details about it because it was dark , but it was wearing a cloak , and suddenly I find myself thinking about Nibbler from Futurama . It was really scary , though . We freaked and moved forward in the dark to spot it again . It had run around us and was standing to my side . I was so scared I woke myself up . When I did wake up I woke up gasping for some reason and really freaking scared . My fiancé woke up and had to soothe me for a minute . Alien dreams reallllllly freak me the fuck out . Pardon the language . After describing that dream I 'm having trouble recalling other ones , except for last night 's , which was just weird and uninteresting . The main mission of mine in the dream was to find water , tea , milk which is the usual dream content when I drink ( tequila in particular ) the night before . And some girl wrecked my strange little car . I didn 't care , I laughed when she did it and then I told her to get me some sweet tea from Sonic . Ha - ha . And that is all for now . Keep dreaming friends . Categories , 12 - 12 - 2011 at 06 : 34 PM I didn 't get much sleep last night . I remember one dream and pisses me off . I " woke up " on my couch and instantly knew I was dreaming before I even looked around . I knew I was dreaming because I could feel this dread and I want to say " fear " but it was just a heavy feeling , being in the dream . I 've been wanting to become lucid , but when I was presented my chance , I didn 't actually want to be in the dream . I was irritated rather than excited . It 's like my dream - self doesn 't want to be lucid . I felt completely different about lucidity when I was in the dream than I do in waking life . Any thoughts as to why this happens ? Is my subconscious telling me that I don 't need lucidity right now , but sleep ? That is how I interpret it . , 11 - 30 - 2011 at 06 : 09 PM I can 't really recall the first dream very well , but I woke up at 2 : 30 am , freaking out for a good second . I remember something to do with my fiancee 's parents and then being in my car driving down this dirt road in the middle of the country some where . I reached down to scoot the seat back because I was too close to the petals , and after I did that I had more fun driving . But then I noticed I was driving over little round objects , along with other little cylinder - like red objects . I got a closer look and realized they had timers on them , and they were all over . In the two fields , left and right , next to me , I noticed some evenly spaced bombs ( I had assumed they were ALL bombs . ) I don 't remember getting out of my car , but I was suddenly running down the road , trying not to bother any of the red things . I wanted to make it to a safe area before they went off . I got to the end of the road and I knew time was getting close , so I started crawling down on the ground , still with the red things . For some reason I was going much slower and I knew that I was dreaming , but I didn 't become lucid , if that makes sense . I started throwing as many as I could of the red objects far away from me and eventually jumped up on the couch , that was the trees a minute before . I woke up on my ( very uncomfortable , back - killing ) couch . The next dream , the most significant parts I can remember , anyway , I was at my ooooold job , Sonic . Everything was different and I was wearing some strange hawaiian looking dress . I asked one of the girls , who I knew , if we had uniforms and she told me that we didn 't have uniforms anymore . I tried to answer the switchboard a few times , but the customers were getting angry with me because I could not hear what they were saying . I swear one of them was speaking english and suddenly switched to spanish . I was trying to speak back in spanish , but then my boss came over to me and took over . I started crying because I felt like I couldn 't handle the job , but I knew I couldn 't quit this timeI said " Oh fuck . " And I realized that Sonic was hovering over much of the city and we were very high in the air . I noticed this when that hole in the cloud began making several layers , like something was shooting through them . The girl had passed out or something . I ran to get her , and carried her inside . I shut and locked the door . That 's when something threw one of those red objects at us . Somehow it had gotten inside . I made everyone go to the back of the store . When I looked up front again , I noticed that my son was playing near the bomb . I ran and got him , crying . That 's all I remember now . I attribute the vivid dreams to the excess amounts of choline and some binaural beats . , 11 - 19 - 2011 at 09 : 55 PM The other night I was dreaming that I was at my house with my fiance and my son . UFO 's had been being spotted all over the area and were abducting people . They were coming and leaving and then returning . Upon one of their returns I knew I was next . I started telling my fiance that we needed to run , now . Right then , a bright blue and white light shone through the door . I started getting a telepathic message from them and they were telling me not to run , not to hide . I didn 't listen , I took my son and started running outside towards this really big RV . When we got inside , there were other people there from the area and I got behind the wheel . There was this strange ball that was used to control the vehicle . Someone was trying to tell me how to use it but I was in such a hurry that I just started driving it . It was moving so fast and I had to use the ball to slow down . I ended up driving down this ditch and felt like I was just gliding above the road . Woke up . Had a dream the other night about an old house I used to live in when I was a little girl . I had walked by it and realized that I could go inside . It was really dark inside and I crawled in through the window . I started finding lots of things that we used to have and many of my toys from then . I found some cd 's that were my sisters and soon realized that this house was connected to another one . There were toilets , sinks , and bathtubs appearing all over though . They were high - tech looking , and one toilet had a strange looking sink right next to it ; it looked more like a fountain . , 11 - 12 - 2011 at 06 : 19 PM I had an austrailian accent the other night . I was slightly angry with this lady and I was raising my voice ; that 's when I noticed I was speaking with an accent . I thought , hey , wait a minute . . . I 'm american . . . . Cool ! And it really was cool , I had convinced myself in the dream that I was austrailian . Unfortunately , I didn 't become lucid . Last night , however , I should 've been lucid . I have been telling myself before sleep that if I see Bill Hicks , I will become lucid . I did see him , he was doing some signing thing . . . It was strange now that I think about it , because he wasn 't acting like you would normally expect . It 's like he knew where he was . . . kind of creepy , to be honest . I remembered he looked at me once and he saw my tattoo . He didn 't say anything , but he payed particular attention to me . I should 've known it was a dream . , 11 - 04 - 2011 at 11 : 32 PM Last night , I had some long and vivid dreams that I attribute to some good wine and some tequila ( what a mix , right ? ) The first dream was about some sort of plague , or virus that had spread . Very cliche . However , it was just me and my son and we were staying in some sort of hotel with a bunch of other survivors . Everybody was cautious of eachother . There was a main apartment where a man lived who sort of ran the whole thing . He was the leader , or the person who was keeping tabs on people and what not . I was a second hand to him . He trusted me and I trusted him . I went up to his place where some others were and I remember I kept discovering these vents under the carpet and I was cutting out the carpet so that the vents were showing . We didn 't know what these meant , but we thought that the " others " were somehow infiltrating us through them . A few girls showed up . One of them was " infected " so we thought . We started testing her . I could tell she was infected because her pupils were dilated so big that you couldn 't see any color . She was really scared and I was trying my best to comfort her at the same time I was trying to figure out if she were sent . The other two were crying . I remember making it back down to my apartment with my son . I shut the door and locked it . The place looked exactly like a portion of my house . The middle bedroom , small , and a small bathroom connected to it . There was an armchair and a crib . I think I had a T . V . also . Something changed in the dream and suddenly I was exiting and entering through a door on top of my place that lead to a street . The street was full of broken down cars and it was chaotic . People running around , being chased . I was sitting at the top of this with my son below me . Two people approached me , I guess they were my friends . They wanted me to come with them somewhere but I told them I couldn 't because of my son . Then this guy walked up , perfect looking . He was attractive but that 's not what I mean by perfect , I can 't explain it . He was just caring and he offered to watch my son while I went with them . I told him thanks and that he was amazing for doing this for me . He said he enjoyed kids and that he would take care of him and protect him . I kissed my son on the head . The last dream I had before I woke up , I was at school . It was kind of like high school . I had just left one class and was on my way to another and there was a woman in a little booth selling necklaces . For some reason I thought they were really pretty , even though they were very child - like . There were green and black beads strung on a string . I was really interested in one that had turquoise beads with black . I was talking to her and we had some sort of connection . She was really cool . Then she asked me something strange , and somehow it was related to the necklaces . She said , " Do you have dreams often ? " I laughed and nodded . She then asked me , " Do you remember them ? " I said yes , and then I said " I actually practice Lucid Dreaming , " she gave me a funny look and I went on , " The first thing I have learned to do is to remember my dreams . " She seemed interested and gave me a knowing look . I went on to my next class and I took a seat . It was Biology class . I noticed a couple of friends of mine , M and S . M was talking to S and I was just watching them . Then my husband came into the room and woke me up . I hadn 't realized I had been sleeping straight for almost 10 hours . , 10 - 03 - 2011 at 04 : 36 PM There was a storm that was going to hit the town I live in . The news reporters were saying that they expected at least 100 families to be wiped out due to being low on the ground . I told my parents immediately that there was a storm and they needed to get to higher ground . I woke up reciting a poem , but now I can 't remember what it was . I do remember the word " about " rhyming with something else . , 08 - 31 - 2011 at 08 : 06 PM I looked out the window and up to the sky and there I saw a giant Yoda floating down from a huge white cloud . His skin was all shiny like he was made of plastic ( looked like the Toy Story martians ) . I yell at T , " OMG ! Yoda 's here ! " He laughed at me like it was a joke . Then I said , " No , I 'm fucking serious . Look for yourself , Yoda 's coming to the door . " lol Sure enough , Yoda knocked politely and suddenly my excitement vanished . I tried to push him out the door because he was really creepy in person . But he came inside all non - chalant and polite , like he was the pope . My sister comes over and she accuses me of sleeping with her boyfriend . I say she 's crazy and that I 'm her sister , that she needs to believe me . T 's in the bathroom . I thought my sister had left and I went into the bathroom to find them kissing . I 'm enraged . I punch T in the face , pretty hard . Then I start yelling at my sister . I couldn 't believe what she had done . She didn 't care . I told her she needed to leave now . T starts to leave for work but he has my purse over his shoulder . I follow him out and keep telling him to give me my purse . Then I see that my sister was in the car that he was going for . I get angry again and say fuck it . I take off my engagement ring and throw it on the ground . Then I go inside . Later on , I 'm sitting in a church I used to go to with my parents when I was younger . My mom and dad are next to me but my mom keeps speaking over the pastor . That 's when I realized she was drunk . My dad 's scolding her and I tell mom we should go downstairs . Finally I get her to come with me and we go into a playroom . I had my son with me and I put him down and he started crawling all over playing with toys . There was a pool in the basement of the church , a really fancy pool , and my sister 's there . She keeps leaving her cigarette underneath the table , like hiding it . I keep picking it up so it doesn 't set fire . I realize that my sister 's drunk too . We 're sort of getting along for some reason . Then there 's some sort of graduation going on for a school choir . For some reason , I 'm in their way and one of the people setting up the graduation keeps telling me to do things . I don 't know why I was helping him but then I go to find whoever has my son . There 's a ton of people around all of a sudden and I 'm working my way through a crowd . Finally , I spot my son in this guy 's arms that I used to work with . I freak out for a second cause the guy 's kind of retarded and I didn 't want him holding my son . I walk over to them , and he hands me my kid . Then I tell W , my son , that we 're gonna go swimming . And I go into the pool with him in my arms .
We were up bright and early , just putting the last bits and pieces in the car when the phone rang . It was my daughter Kristie , who lived with my twin sister Tina and her husband , Woody , and their family . She told me that Tina was in hospital about to have an emergency operation . She had suffered a brain haemorrhage late on Wednesday night and was due in theatre any minute to have life saving brain surgery . I felt my legs go to jelly and I could hardly speak . I had been speaking to Tina only the evening before and she had been totally fine . I went straight to Tina 's house as her children all needed to be cared for and I wanted to be with Kristie too . Tina and Woody had been unable to have children and had adopted seven learning disabled children over the course of several years . They ranged in age from three to seventeen at the time . It was an unreal morning , trying to hold myself together for the sake of the children , but desperately waiting for the phone call from Woody , who was at the hospital , to find if she had made it through the surgery . Finally just after lunch Woody rang to say she was in intensive care but that the surgery had been successful . I was over the moon . I had been praying so hard and felt that my prayers had been answered . Within a couple of days Tina was moved to the High Dependency Unit and was doing well . She complained of the most dreadful headache but the staff told us that was quite normal due to her brain surgery . After just a few more days Tina was moved to a general neurological ward and appeared to be making excellent progress . She was able to walk and talk quite normally and have a shower and walk around the ward . The expectation was that she would be home within the week ! Kristie and I were visiting her daily and on the Thursday , just a week after her operation , we had all been sitting chatting about the programmes she would be watching that evening when the nurse brought her tea , which included a small bowl of ice cream . Within minutes Tina 's speech was becoming confused and then I noticed that she was having problems eating her ice cream . Her hand was making odd movements and she was unable to hold the spoon . I alerted the staff on the ward and they explained that she might have some fluid on the brain and would carry out a lumbar puncture to release any fluid . When I left the hospital that evening I was obviously concerned , but the staff had been very reassuring and it seemed that this was quite normal and that the lumbar puncture was routine . The following morning I rang the hospital and they asked me to visit urgently . They explained that Tina was once again in intensive care . I was not at all prepared for what faced me that day . The consultant explained that Tina had suffered a massive stroke due to having a vasospasm , a rare side effect of the brain surgery . In layman 's terms , the blood vessels within her brain had gone into spasm and no blood had been able to reach the frontal lobes . I was warned that they fully expected her to die . I don 't know how I managed to physically stand by her bed , I was shaking and crying so much . She was lying there covered with wires and tubes , buzzers kept going off and she was fitting , which was terrifying to watch . The machines that were keeping her alive required almost constant attention by the special nurses who were with her . I couldn 't believe that she had been doing so well and now they really thought she would die . I prayed so much that day , I asked God why this happened and kept telling Tina over and over again how much I loved her and that she would come through this ok . When I eventually left the hospital that evening I emailed every healer I could find on the internet asking if they could please send Tina healing . I really didn 't think I 'd be able to sleep that night , but nervous exhaustion thankfully sent me straight to sleep . I awoke in the morning dreading the news from the hospital . I phoned and they said she was ' stable ' , but added that there had been no improvement . I went to the hospital as soon as I could and was met by the ward sister who told me to expect the worse . She explained that only the machines were keeping her alive , and even if she did survive the prognosis was that she would be severely disabled and unable to enjoy any quality of life as her brain was so badly damaged . Yet again I sat with her , talking to her , stroking her hand gently . I prayed that she would not leave me . I had lost my Mum , my Dad and my brother all within the space of three and half months just a few years before , and I just couldn 't bear the thought of losing my twin sister too . I talked to her about our childhood , about the fun we used to have , about family memories , even about the battles we 'd had . I just felt that I could not give up . I was sure one day that she had lightly squeezed my hand as I was about to leave , but the nurses assured me that she wouldn 't be able to do that . They said that her brain was unable to distinguish my voice and that she most probably did not have the ability to understand anything I said to her . I ignored their advise and just carried on chatting to her right up until the moment I had to leave in the evenings . Days went by and there was no progress and it became more and more likely that she would just fade away . I was totally heartbroken . I had never lived through such a time . Being an identical twin is impossible to really understand unless you are a twin yourself . We had been together since before we were born . We had shared virtually every part of our lives , most of our childhood and teenage experiences , and even though we had fought dreadfully at times , we were always there for each other and loved one another more than can be explained . Now , days in to her stroke , I was trying to come to terms with the real possibility that this was the end . That I would not have my twin sister anymore . They decided to carry out a further operation to install a shunt , a drain in her brain , which would release the fluid from her brain into her stomach . The operation was in itself risky , but without it she didn 't stand a chance , the fluid in her brain was building all the time . Again there was the dreadful time of waiting to see if she had pulled through and thankfully she did . We waited for a couple more days to see if there was any improvement , but still Tina just lay there motionless , on full life support , with every vein in her body seemingly linked to some needle to give her life saving fluids and drugs . They even had to start using the veins in her feet as they were running out of veins in her arms , her hands and her shoulders . I continually asked God why this was happening and what more could I do to help her and her family through this , but I was too upset to hear any answers . Finally , in desperation , I called a medium that I found on the internet . I didn 't want to phone anyone who knew me , I really wanted someone who had no previous knowledge of who I was . Immediately she began speaking to me , she described our Dad in the most wonderful detail , and told me that he was talking about someone very close to me who had suffered a bleed on the brain . She said this person was in a critical condition and was literally between worlds . She then went on to describe our Mum , both physically and her character , and said that she was with both of us . Amazingly she also described our brother and said that he was looking over us and that he was giving me the strength to cope with it all . She told me that Tina was aware of them with her . I asked her why this was happening and she said that Tina had chosen to go through this before she was born . She explained that it was an experience Tina 's soul had wanted and importantly it would show who would support her and who wouldn 't , who would be able to understand , and who would turn away due to the severity of the situation . I did ask if Tina would survive and the medium told me that she couldn 't answer that , but said that Tina had a very strong spirit and that whatever happened was supposed to happen . I was stunned by such an accurate reading , but still had wished that I could have been told what would be the outcome . The next day I went into the hospital again and as I walked in I said my usual ' Hi Sis ' and took her hand . I was sure her eyelids moved and then thought I felt her gently squeeze my hand again . I didn 't mention it to the nurses , who I felt sure thought I was imagining it , but inside I felt a warm glow and a real sense of joy . Something in me realised that she had turned the corner , that she would be ok . For the first time in weeks I felt an inner calm , an inner strength , I knew I could cope , as if I had been shown there was light at the end of the tunnel . I was full of optimism for her future . Tina 's small movements became almost like a secret code between her and I . Many times that day her eyelids moved as I said something funny and her fingers softly brushed mine . I gave her a kiss goodbye before I left and said I 'd see her the next day . The following day I was over the moon to see that Tina had her tracheostomy tube removed . She could breathe on her own ! That was a huge hurdle . As usual I said ' Hi Sis ' when I arrived and I almost fell over when a few moments later she uttered , in a very hoarse voice , ' Hi ' - she was back ! ! ! The nurses were laughing and clapping and the whole atmosphere in the unit was lifted . She didn 't say anything again for a few days , but she still kept moving her eyelids and through her squeezing my hand I could feel her strength grow day by day . After several more weeks Tina slowly made progress to the point where she was transferred to a neurological rehabilitation unit within the hospital . She was paralysed on her right side , still doubly incontinent , unable to even turn herself , unable to swallow food , and only able to say a few words , but she could laugh , and we would share afternoons laughing at the times we had been through together . I would sit with her and we would watch comedy shows and it would lift her spirits . It really did seem that through joy and laughter she became better and better . Through everything that had happened to her she had managed somehow to keep her sense of humour . Over the two years Tina spent in two specialist rehabilitation hospitals , she showed incredible inner strength and courage , overcoming the most enormous obstacles . Learning to do even the most basic things from scratch which most of us take for granted . She suffered dreadful setbacks , crippling pain in her paralysed arm and leg , frustration of a damaged brain that would not function as she wished , and the agony of a broken hip from falling over when trying to use a walking stick . She had to be admitted to a normal hospital for a hip replacement operation and this caused even more problems as people didn 't understand her speech and her understanding of language , having had such a serious brain injury . Everytime they asked her if she required painkillers she said yes , even if she didn 't , and by the time she was returned to the rehab unit she was totally bombed by the amount of morphine in her body . It took weeks for her to get back to some sense of normality . She suffered incredible loneliness and depression whilst trying to come to terms with the fact that most importantly , she had lost her independence . There were so many experiences that had me in tears over the time she was in hospital , but one of the most memorable occasions for me was when she was first able to stand , albeit with support , and we could have a hug . It was the best hug I 'd ever had . We were both in tears as for the first time in many months I held her in my arms and she could hug me back too . Another wonderful memory was just before her first Christmas in hospital . The nurses organised a Carol Service and arranged for a local choir to come along and we all sat singing the carols . Many of the patients sang too , including Tina , who still has a beautiful singing voice . They gave her a microphone and she sang Once in Royal David 's City . With tears streaming down my face it took me straight back to when we were both five and were angels in our school nativity play and we had sung that very song together back then . I was amazed by the most wonderful work the teams at the rehabilitation units undertook to get Tina as far along the recovery route as possible . Their patience and understanding was incredible . I was overwhelmed by the gentleness and kindness of other relatives visiting their loved ones who were also going through the most traumatic times and yet there was a camaraderie between us all , all supporting one another and all living for the time when those dear to us would regain even a little of their lives . The love within the rehab units was so strong . They were places of both immense sadness and unbelievable joy , much laughter and sometimes , sadly , unbearable heartache . I was stunned by the kindness from the wonderful worldwide community of healers , many of whom stayed in contact with me throughout her two years in hospital . The strangers , literally scattered across the globe who showed an interest and continued to send their healing thoughts to Tina . I will never be able to thank them enough . I was so saddened by the lack of support from the friends and relatives that Tina had . I would never have thought that those whom she had loved and considered close backed away and found themselves too busy to even phone to find out how she was . I was appalled by the total lack of support from social services who I had assumed would be able to offer some kind of help to Woody and the children , but who in reality basically told me that as the children had been adopted and not fostered there was nothing they could do . Just as the medium had said , it was an experience which showed people 's true colours . It was an eye - opener where friends and relatives were concerned , but it has made us both realise who really matters and who had only been there for the good times . The marriage vow , ' for better , for worse ' , often comes to my mind when I think of the people in Tina 's life who moved away from her and her family during this time , when they needed the love and support the most , and sadly received it the least . Some people even voiced that they felt it would have been better that she had just died . It is something I have tried to understand , but just can 't grasp . Maybe the lessons are for all of them , maybe they too one day may require those they hold dear to have the patience and understanding to deal with such a trauma , who knows . Some things are beyond my comprehension and maybe I will find the answers when I am once again back with my family in the spirit world . Tina amazed all the consultants and specialists involved in her care . They said many times that her recovery was a miracle , that it should have been impossible for her to make the progress that she has . Although paralysed on her right side she is still improving . She has learnt to walk again , to eat again , has regained her speech , kept most of her memories and importantly has made new friends through her involvement in stroke clubs that she regularly attends . She has become an avid reader , has learnt to master her i - phone and laptop , how to use Spotify to listen to her favourite music , and can play a mean game of scrabble ! I feel blessed that I still have my sister and that I have been able to share in such an enlightening experience . I thank Mum , Dad and our brother Ray , for the continued love and support they have given us , without which I am sure I would have crumbled . I thank God for Tina 's ongoing recovery and for the strength I was given to cope with this . Most of all I thank Tina for being my twin , she is an inspiration . I attended a weeks mediumship course at the Arthur Findlay College in Stansted several years ago with my friend Trudie . As always it had been an emotional time with most of us receiving wonderful messages from our loved ones in spirit , and most of us also giving messages to other students . Being a medium and giving such messages can be quite overwhelming at times when you know the impact that it may have on the recipient . My tutor that particular week was the very wonderful Janet Parker . She is an extremely spiritual woman and whenever I have been blessed with being in her class I have always felt that she gives each and every one of her students as much support as possible . I don 't think many people appreciate the challenges that we mediums put ourselves through when we attend these courses . It is not as if you can revise to ensure that you manage to maintain a link with spirit , or that you can practise on your own , or that you can read manuals . It really is just a case of putting yourself forward to serve spirit in the best possible way you can . It is a case of learning to allow your mind to become still so that you can connect to spirit without all the day - to - day activities , planning , worries , and the general hum drum taking over your thoughts . You have to be totally trusting when you open your awareness to make contact with spirit . Sometimes you may hear spirit , or feel them , or see visions in your mind 's eye , and you have to give the information you are given without adding your own thoughts or ideas . It is quite a discipline to learn . It is not until you try to do this for hours on end that you realise how difficult it can be to overcome all the nagging thoughts that suddenly rush into your head and scream to be heard ! Being in such a spiritual environment does seem to bring out the very best in my mediumship . I am sure that spirits are drawn to the place like moths around a light bulb . There is never a shortage of loved ones who are trying to get their messages conveyed through the students and it really does make the courses so worthwhile . The tutors guide you gently towards achieving the very best mediumship you can manage and offer tips and ideas to ensure that you develop to your highest potential . This particular week was very special as on the very first night I had received the most exact and evidential messages from both my parents through one of the tutors and then also throughout the week from several of the students . I had been going through a very tough time in my personal life and really felt the messages that I was fortunate enough to receive showed that I still had my parents around me , still loving me and supporting me and offering their advise . Each reading I had received had contained different evidence that no - one there could have possibly known . I felt incredibly blessed . As the week came to a close I felt sad that I would be leaving . Not only would I miss the teachings and the practising of my mediumship , but I knew it was unlikely that I would be in a position to receive any further communications from my parents for quite some while . Janet , and Paul Jacobs , another tutor , had organised a closing ceremony in The Sanctuary , a beautiful church attached to the college where spiritual services are held on a regular basis . It has a fantastic uplifting atmosphere and I 've always loved being there , you can almost feel arms wrapped around you as you walk in . They told us that we weren 't allowed to attend until 8pm as they had some preparations to complete . Trudie and I hadn 't really given the evening too much thought as most final evenings are nice , but not anything out of the ordinary . When we walked into the Sanctuary , just after 8pm , we were greeted by the most wonderful vision of beautiful materials and oriental rugs laid on the floor running down the centre of the church . Incense sticks were burning and candles flickered in the darkness . Hundreds of small unlit tealight candles had been placed on the materials and chairs were placed either side running the length of the Sanctuary . There was a hush of anticipation as we students all filed in quietly , taking our seats whilst gentle music was playing . Trudie and I sat next to each other about midway down the room . Janet and Paul both gave a talk about the week we had just experienced and thanked spirit for their participation in our teachings . Janet then instructed the students sitting at the end of the rows to light a candle for each loved one they had in spirit , then the lighter was to be passed to the next student , then the next etc . By the time it came to Trudie and I most of the candles were already lit and the Sanctuary looked absolutely amazing . I lit candles for my Mum , for my Dad , for my brother , for my friend Janet , and not wishing to look greedy , lit another jointly for all my aunts . uncles and grandparents in spirit . Trudie too lit candles for those she had loved and lost , including her cousin Robert whom she missed so much . When all the candles were lit Janet asked us to close our eyes . She asked us to give thanks to our guides and loved ones for helping us through the week and for allowing us to experience the love from spirit that we had all shared . Whilst our eyes were closed , and we were sitting in the candle light , Janet put on the music , To Where You Are , performed by Josh Groban . I had never heard this before and was lost in the beautiful words that meant so much to me . I couldn 't help but start crying , both because of the joy of knowing my loved ones were so close and also because of the pain and loss at realising that I can 't always reach out and touch them , speak to them , or hold them as I once did . I felt around in my pocket for a tissue and all I had was an old crumpled one . I thought it would have to do , and then I realised Trudie was crying too , she whispered to me " Do you have a tissue ? " , I only had the one , so I tore it in half , and there we were , the two of us , holding hands and using half a tissue each to mop our tears . A few weeks ago I was told that Mandy Wylde would be giving a demonstration of her mediumship at Woolston Spiritual Centre , a newly opened non - denominational centre near Southampton . I had met Mandy only a couple of times at another spiritualist church I attended a couple of years ago . I was introduced to her by another friend , Jane , and she had told me that Mandy was a very good spiritual healer and a medium , but I had never known anyone she had carried out a reading for . All the way there my tummy was churning , which is something that happens whenever spirit are close to me . It is a familiar feeling if I am sitting for spirit or in any kind of development group , but not normally when I am going to see someone else give a demonstration . I told my friend Niki that my tummy felt very odd and she said that it might mean I was going to be given a message . I have been to many demonstrations over the last few years , but so rarely received a message from any of my loved ones in spirit that I didn 't really consider that this particular night would be any different . As soon as Mandy stood up I really thought I was going to be sick , my stomach went totally ballistic and I thought I might have to leave the hall because I felt so dreadful . Then , seriously , every single hair on my body went on end , I had the biggest whooshy feeling I had ever experienced . Mandy started talking and said she had a woman in spirit with her and was talking about a house fire . I knew we had a house fire when I was very young so I kept listening to the evidence she was giving . Then she went on to say that this woman had arthritis , which again Mum had suffered with . I was still wary of putting up my hand because I would absolutely hate to steal someone elses message , but then Mandy said she could hear a song being played that she knew was important to both the woman she felt was with her , and the recipient . The song was Don 't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue ' sung by Crystal Gayle . My goodness , I was struggling to hold back the tears . When I was younger I had quite a good singing voice and Mum had specifically asked me to record myself singing this song . She carried the tape around with her for years and always made her friends listen to it whilst they were travelling in the car . Immediately I put up my hand . Mandy went on to give me the most wonderful evidence that she had my Mum with her , evidence that none of my friends even knew . It was the most beautiful heart warming message and Mandy conveyed exactly the personality of my Mum . She even talked about a discussion I had been having earlier that day , which there was no way in the world she could have possibly known about it . It was amazing . She then went on to give other messages to several other people in the hall . Each of them was delivered with respect , kindness and a real sense of who they were . She managed to lighten the atmosphere when required with funny anecdotal evidence but was also able to give the most touching messages . It was a real pleasure to spend the evening watching her demonstrate and I could have happily sat there for much longer . The hall 's atmosphere was fabulous , everyone was laughing and smiling , some were crying with joy and gasping at her incredible accuracy . She gave names , relationships , addresses and really unusual information . I have to say it was the very best demonstration of mediumship I had ever seen . A couple of weeks passed and another medium was due to hold the Sunday service at the centre , but had cancelled for some reason and so Annette asked Mandy if she could step in . I hadn 't planned on going along at all , but as the weekend went by I really felt that I must go . I wasn 't exactly sure why , but I knew I would regret it if I didn 't go . It was another lovely summers evening and the atmosphere of the hall was warm and inviting . There are large windows along one wall and the sun was shining in as we all sat there waiting for the evening to begin . I couldn 't believe it when yet again my tummy started churning and I kept praying that it would stop . To begin with Mandy gave a wonderful reading and address about a man who had been struck by lightning and had medically died but who managed to survive and could remember being dead ! It was fascinating , especially the enormous changes it made to his whole life . So often I have sat through the most long - winded boring addresses and just been waiting for them to finish , but this was really interesting . We sang a couple of songs and then Mandy stood to give her demonstration of mediumship . She gave several excellent messages to different people and after a while I could see from the clock that it was almost time for her to finish . I wondered why my tummy had been churning so much , having secretly hoped that maybe I would receive another message , but I didn 't really dare hope that would happen . I had already enjoyed the evening so much so was thinking that we would be going home in a minute or two . Then Mandy started physically describing a man who sounded very much like my brother , and again I was covered in goosebumps , but didn 't put my hand up until I had heard more . Mandy then talked about his personality , which was quite unique and she said he was telling her the name Ray - which was my brother 's name . I just knew it was him , so excitedly put my hand up . Yet again Mandy gave me astonishing evidence and even more wonderful was that my aunt had come with him , and Mandy gave the most wonderful unequivocal information about her too . I realised then why I had been so keen to go along . I felt so blessed that in a matter of just a few weeks I had received messages from both Mum and Ray . I am sure that a bright future lays ahead for Mandy . She is such a good medium that as word spreads she will certainly be in great demand ! Dearest Tisha , I am moved to tears after reading your journal , I am so thrilled you felt so much peace and love on the two occasions you came to Woolston Spiritual Centre . Some months ago I asked spirit , " put me where you want me to be " , I guess they did . I love giving evidence from the spirit world to bring love and comfort , thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings , much love xx When I was in my early twenties my ex and I lived in Twickenham and we would often drive along Richmond Road to Richmond . One day we drove past a truck with a lift attached to the back . I have no idea what they are called , but they have a small cage which normally has one or two men in it whilst they carry out maintenance to the street lamps . As we drove towards the truck I could see a film in my head of the cage being hit by a double - decker bus . I felt sick in my stomach and without realising it had let out a very loud " oh my God " . He asked me what the problem was and I told him what I had just seen in my head . He kind of tutted and said it would be fine . It was quite a long road and before the road went to the left round a bend I looked out of the back window back towards the truck . I could see a bus coming along and then to my horror it hit the cage . I gasped and shouted " oh no , you have to stop " but my ex was in busy traffic . He said that as the road was busy there would be lots of people to help . I think he expected me to just carry on as normal but I just couldn 't . In August 1990 I was working and living in Okehampton , Devon . Working so close to home meant that I could go home for lunch and give myself a welcome break from the pressure of my work . I remember one day so very well . I had sat down to eat a sandwich , put the television on and saw that the lunchtime news was giving information about a missing little girl . She was only eight years old and very strangely had been taken through an open window of a caravan whilst she and her family were on holiday in Bridport , Dorset . As I watched I felt so worried for her and concerned for her family . I doubt that anyone can imagine how it must feel to know that your child has been taken and you have no idea where she is , or even whether she is dead or alive . Oddly , as I watched the footage of a line of police officers scouring the local fields for any evidence , I had another movie playing in my head . I could see the little girl in a derelict house with a young man and she was frightened and crying . Most importantly she was alive . I felt the man was mentally unstable and that concerned me more than anything . Then , just as suddenly as the ' movie ' had started , it stopped and I was back to watching tv again . I was quite taken aback and really thought that it was just wishful thinking . There was a part of me that thought I should do something about the pictures I had just seen , but the logical part of me disregarded the nagging voice in my head , and so I put it to one side and went back to work . Throughout the afternoon though I kept seeing the same movie over and over again , and no matter how I tried to ignore it , it just wouldn 't go away . Finally , by the time I had finished work and went home I was beginning to think I was going mad . I was sure that by now they would have found the girl and as soon as I got indoors I put the tv on to see the evening news . Again , they showed the police looking for her , and yet again in my head I was shown the house she was in . I had a lurching feeling in my stomach as if I had just been given some bad news . I realised then that I couldn 't sit and do nothing and so I decided to phone my local police station . I had half expected them to tell me not to waste their time , and was in fact already wondering what else I could do if that was the case . Much to my surprise the man who answered the phone listened patiently and told me they would send a detective to come and see me . Even more surprising was that he arrived only about ten minutes later . As I opened the door a wave of embarrassment came over me , I told him that he most probably would think I was totally crazy but I just knew I had to do something and didn 't know what else to do other than phone the police . He was actually very nice and told me that having been in the police service for a number of years nothing surprised him anymore . He asked me to describe the house and the young man I had seen and also asked if I could draw the house for him . I tried my best to explain everything in the greatest detail I could , I managed to draw a rough sketch of the house and signed a formal police statement . As he left I literally prayed that someone somewhere would take notice of the information and that they would start to search houses for the little girl rather than looking in the countryside for a corpse . I really felt that time was running out and that they had been looking in the wrong place . I hardly slept that night , and again , first thing in the morning put on the tv to see the news . The little girl had still not been found . I felt I had no option but to drive the 65 miles to Bridport . I was hoping against hope that I would somehow be able to spot the house , and if I did I had planned to then inform the police . I drove around for hours , but didn 't see any houses like the one I had seen in my vision . I sadly and wearily drove back to Okehampton . A huge part of me felt I had let the little girl down and I was becoming concerned that the video I had seen in my head seemed to have gone away . I just prayed that nothing dreadful had happened to her . I was glued to the tv all evening and there was still no news . Again I had a restless night . I was puzzling why I could no longer see the pictures in my mind and also wondering if I had somehow imagined the whole thing . At last the morning arrived and the first thing I did was put the television on . Still no news . I went to work , struggling to stay awake and to stay calm but with my tummy continually churning , which I have learnt over the years is a physical response I have when spirit is close . Thankfully that day the little girl was found , safe and well . I was absolutely amazed when they showed the house on the tv and zoomed in - it was exactly the derelict house I had described to the police . Also , as I had told them , she was with a young man who was later found guilty of kidnap and imprisoned in a secure mental health unit . I now wonder if my visions had stopped because I had done all I could . I doubt if I will ever really know . After this event I seemed to go through a couple of years where many times , especially when a child went missing , I would be shown the most sad and often harrowing scenes but I was not given any further information . I would also watch tv interviews of families where children had gone missing and know instinctively who was responsible , but with no evidence to back it up I couldn 't contact anyone . I just knew that there was nothing I could do . On each occasion my ' knowing ' was proved right . Eventually I asked my guides not to let me have information if there was no action I could take to help and thankfully those kind of visions stopped . On the plus side , when I was learning to drive in deepest Devon , many of my lessons were on very narrow winding roads . Very often my driving instructor would comment on my sixth sense as I would often be happily whizzing along for miles , then I would just know to slow down and pull over , and sure enough a car would always come the other way . I had several lessons with my good friend Jeanette and she became really spooked by my unusual awareness . On so many occasions I would know exactly what other cars were going to do , even if their signals and road position indicated otherwise . One time we were behind queuing cars at traffic lights and I was supposed to get in the empty right hand lane to turn right , but I held back . Jeanette told me to move forward but I insisted that the car at the lights , indicating left and with his wheels already pointing in that direction , would be pulling across in front of me . Jeanette laughed and just thought I was being daft . Sure enough though , as the lights changed , the car in the left hand lane suddenly swung to the right and tore off at great speed . Almost thirty years ago I had a wonderful spiritual reading , by telephone , with a medium I had never met . Straight away she asked me if I ever felt ' cobwebs ' on my face as I was driving . I said yes . it was quite normal for me , and she went on to explain that it was a sign that my maternal Grandfather was with me . She told me he was a lorry driver in his life time and he was looking after me . She knew nothing about me , but she was right , he had been a lorry driver , and since that time whenever I feel ' cobwebs ' on my face I say thank you to my Grandfather . This has happened so many times , and still does , I really feel I am so fortunate to have him watching over me . Over the years I have learnt to trust spirit and the visions I have which have rarely been incorrect . I have sometimes wondered if my life would have been easier had I not been so aware , but in reality I wouldn 't change a thing . My connections with spirit have made such an enormous and positive difference to my life and hopefully , at times , have helped others along the way too . If through my awareness , even just a few people have been touched by the love of spirit and the knowledge that our lives , right now , are only part of our souls journey , then I feel truly blessed . My Dad was a research scientific glassblower . He had trained after he returned from serving in the war and after many years as an apprentice went to work for an oil company in their refinery . As a young girl I was mesmerised when I would spend hours with Dad in the garden shed as he made all different objects in glass . He would normally be making atomisers by the dozen , something he did to help pay for the very old car he and Mum had managed to buy . It was always going wrong and to pay all the garage bills Dad would take on extra work in the evenings and on weekends . In his shed he had shelves filled with glass of all different colours and would make small ornaments for us . He 'd ask us what we 'd want and we 'd excitedly shout out cat or dog or horse and within minutes the glass would be transformed into funny little characters . Even with his large hands Dad would craft the most beautiful intricate glass furniture for our dolls house and tiny glass coat hangers for our dolls clothes . It was always like magic to me , watching him heat the glass in the flame and then with various tools he would pull it into different shapes , sometimes blowing into it at the same time . It was wonderful and I loved our time together in the shed and the strange smell that only a glass blowing room has . For fun , Dad would blow very fine glass bubbles , they would waft up into the air and were so fragile that you could put your fingers through them and they would virtually disappear . Dad made beautiful gifts for friends and relatives and everyone would be in awe that he had made them in the shed . If he had not had the responsibility of a family and the need for a regular income I am sure he would have preferred to spend his time creatively rather than working with all the technical glass blowing at the refinery . When I attended a spiritualist church in London many years later , there was a young man , Martin , giving his very first inspired talk . You could tell he was extremely nervous and I had even seen him pacing up and down in the hallway before he had to take his place on the platform . He needn 't have worried at all as his talk was very good . You could tell that the congregation was hanging on his every word and you could have heard a pin drop . I noticed his aura expanding whilst he spoke and could see a vague outline of what appeared to be someone standing to the right side of him . I turned around and looked behind me to see if it could be a shadow or a play of the light , but everyone was sitting down and there were no obvious light sources . The medium on the platform was sitting to the left of Martin so I couldn 't see where this could be coming from . As he continued speaking I noticed an odd movement to the right hand side of him . There was a white - painted handrail with railings beneath which ran along the length of the platform and Martin was standing behind them and occasionally leaning on them . To my absolute amazement I could see the outline of someone leaning on the rail far to the right , and the more I looked the more form the shape took . Eventually I could see it was a man , a little taller than Martin , and surprisingly , he looked as if he was made of the glass bubbles that my Dad used to make . He was shiny and transparent ! It seemed an age that he was there , leaning on the handrail looking at everyone . I kept blinking to clear my vision because I just couldn 't really believe what I was seeing . When Martin sat down the man was no longer visible and the service went on as normal . However , when Martin stood again to say the closing prayer I could clearly see the man again . It was an experience that I know I will never forget . I spoke to Martin afterwards and asked him if he was aware of anyone standing near him but he said he wasn 't . I did very much feel that this may have been a spirit who was there to aAs time went on , and as I saw various mediums working , I began to see more and more outlines on walls behind them which would gradually form into ' glass ' people . Often it would be quite vague but sometimes I could make out distinct features , even clothes that were being worn and very often the medium would then give that as a description of the spirit communicator . When I had been away from my mediumship for several years it appeared that this ' gift ' of seeing spirit on walls or ' glass ' people had all but disappeared . I was chatting to some friends last summer and saying what a great shame that was . Then , much to my surprise , when I attended a local spiritual workshop I was sitting watching another medium demonstrate when I began to see the familiar outline slowly appearing on the wall behind her . I was thrilled ! As we worked that day the visions became clearer until I could actually use the vision as the basis for one of my readings when I was called to stand up and demonstrate . I saw a ' glass ' man leaning on a very old country gate and could see the countryside around him . Strangely I was also shown the most massive womans breast , which took up most of the wall , and I knew that he was connected to someone who had breast cancer . I was fortunate enough to be told his name , which is something I always ask for but don 't always get . I described him and the connection to the breast cancer and gave his name and immediately a woman could accept him and my communication with him strengthened . I was so grateful that I was able to give the recipient a good message from her loved one . I had just published my last post , 43 ) Interconnectedness , and whilst waiting for my toast to cool down , I was reading an email that had just arrived in my inbox . It was from Global One TV . I clicked on the link to look at their site and was drawn to take a look at the information about a film which has been made by Tom Shadyac . He directed many well - known entertaining films including The Nutty Professor , Bruce Almighty and Liar , Liar . The film he has made is a million miles away from his previous genre . I AM is a film he began to make after he was badly injured in a cycling accident and had begun to question his life , and to face the prospect of his own mortality . He wanted to investigate what is wrong with our world and what we can do to change it . He travelled extensively and , with a small film crew of only four , he interviewed several leading authorities on everything from science to psychology , from the environment to philosophy . He spoke to many many people in his search for answers including Bishop Desmond Tutu and Lynne McTaggart , the best - selling author whose work involves the linking of science and spirituality and the realism of quantum physics . What he found was that there was a lot more right with the world than he ever thought before . I watched the trailer for the movie and was blown away by the references to the connectedness of us all , of everything we know . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = iYtfnONazTU & feature = related On Tuesday nights I watch ' Touch ' , a fictional supernatural programme starring Keifer Sutherland who plays Martin , a widower , and who is the single father of a young boy , Jake , who is emotionally challenged . Martin is unable to make any kind of connection with Jake who has never spoken a word and will not allow anyone to touch him . Jake lives in his own world but he is obsessed with numbers and can see both the past , present and future through the connections that the numbers make . I have always felt that we are all connected , that we are all from the creator , or as some would say , from source , or from God . I find the series fascinating with its insight into synchronicity and the realisation for the father , Martin , that there are no such things as coincidences . On Monday I had received an email from a woman in America who has been reading my blogs . She asked me if I could help her in advising how she could receive spiritual healing . She had , she felt , been the victim of a con man who had charged her quite a large amount for supposedly healing her . She needed someone she could trust and had asked spirit for guidance and they had told her to contact me ! I wasn 't feeling too well on Tuesday , so I didn 't reply to her straight away , but sent an email telling her I would email her again on Wednesday . Tuesday night I settled down to watch Touch . This weeks episode wasn 't so much about numbers , but more about a pattern within a cats cradle that Jake kept making with wool . Martin , his father , had to try to place the pattern and work towards connecting people who were associated with it . All sounds rather odd if you haven 't been watching Touch , but in the programme it all made perfect sense . The important part of the pattern was two triangles which kept appearing in different guises and always made a connection with people , even across continents . On Wednesday morning I was lying in bed , thinking of the email I had received and how I could possibly help someone who lived so far away - over 4 , 000 miles - when I happened to look out of my bedroom window . I just couldn 't believe my eyes when I saw a perfect cross in the sky . It was exactly the pattern that Jake had been showing his father which connected everyone ! I knew there and then that the distance between us meant nothing spiritually . That in itself , was , synchronistically speaking , quite amazing . Later on Wednesday I was chatting to a wonderful friend of mine , Jane , who is both a gifted medium and healer . She was telling me about a workshop she had recently attended which was teaching a new way of healing , it was about a system called The Healing Code . I looked it up on the internet and saw that there was a book available and downloaded it to my kindle . Having read a few chapters I thought it would make sense for the lady in America to read it too . I emailed her and sent her a link to the book . At the same time I agreed to send her spiritual healing myself , and as I was typing her email I was covered in goosebumps which to me shows that I am certainly make the right decision . The following day I received another email from her . On Wednesday she had gone and bought a book , The Power , the follow - up book to The Secret . It wasn 't the one I had been reading , but it included reference to the same man who had written the book I had advised her to buy ! He was the only MD featured in the popular DVD of The Secret . Neither of us could believe it ! ! There we are , me living here in England and her in America , and of all the books in the world , she buys a book that includes a reference to the very same man . What are the chances of that ? More synchronicity . I feel that spirit has shown me this week , in more than one way , that we are all truly connected . We arranged that today I would send the lady spiritual healing . As I sat at a pre - arranged time I was again covered in my familiar goose - bumps and as I asked my healing guides to draw close and send healing to the lady I felt the most wonderful connection . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
The beach , pacifiers & sleep - a remarkable holiday weekend September 7 , 2015 in Infancy , Preschooler \| No comments Yesterday was a great day and worthy of note . We decided to spend the day at the beach and Tim insisted we drive a little further to the " real Florida beach " at St . George Island . I 'm not sure it was worth the extra 45 - minute drive , but the sand dunes were lovely and the beach accommodations were better than those at Bald Point . We bought boiled peanuts along the side of the road on our way out ( a true Southern treat … salty and soft like beans , not crunchy like roasted peanuts ) . We did get some rain and even had to eat our lunch in the van due to a passing storm , but in true Florida style , the bad weather passed quickly . It was a fun afternoon of jumping in the waves with Adelaide , playing in the sand , and resting in the shade of the beach umbrella while June napped on my belly . But what made the day truly remarkable was what happened the night before we went to the beach . For the second night in a row , June slept seven hours straight , in her crib in the room she and Adelaide share . It may not sound like much , but we haven 't had many nights like that since moving to Florida . And - this is the biggie - Adelaide went to bed and slept the entire night without her pacifier . Aside from perhaps a few weeks of infanthood , this was the first night of her four years of life without a paci . This is a big , big deal in our house and for Adelaide . We have attempted to wean her from the paci several times in the past . " But I love it , " she once told me , such a sincere , yet sad plea . When June was born , we decided to pick our battles and let it go . She only used the paci when she slept at night and it brought her such comfort that my post - partum self couldn 't emotionally handle the fight . I figured ( hoped ? prayed ? ) that she would give it up when she was ready . We did hang the carrot of " an awesome prize " over her head , telling her that she could choose something awesome at the store when she decided to give up her paci forever . Well , tonight makes the third night in a row that she has gone without . I 'm so proud of this young lady before me . I swear she seems to have grown an inch in the last month , and while it 's probably just coincidence , she 's been particularly pout and whine free this last week . My baby is growing up . And maybe , just maybe ( knock on wood ) , I may once again get to regularly have a good night 's sleep . Telling Big Sister She 's Going to be a Big Sister November 25 , 2014 in Pregnancy , Toddler , Uncategorized \| 2 comments As promised in yesterday 's gender reveal post , here is the video of us telling Adelaide she 's going to be a big sister . As a child in the two - year - old room at school , Adelaide started to notice that all of her friends were " getting babies . " I had noticed it too . One - by - one nearly all the moms in Adelaide 's class started showing increasingly big bellies . One - by - one they started bringing babies home from the hospital . " I want a baby Silas like Gwen , " Adelaide told us one day . She called her baby doll Silas when playing with him . At this point we were already trying , and I told her , " We 'll have to talk to Daddy about it . " I don 't think I convinced her . We decided to wait and tell Adelaide our good news until after we saw and heard the heartbeat , after the genetics testing came back okay . We told her just a couple of days before our wedding anniversary where we opened the card that revealed the baby 's sex . We tried to control Adelaide 's expectations and since she has no concept of time , we told her the baby wasn 't going to come for a long time . The baby still had a lot of growing to do , and it wouldn 't come until after Christmas , when it got cold . This year , on Monday , August 26 , Adelaide moved out of that young toddler 's room and up to the two - year - old room . I don 't know what she 's going to do without her Kiki and Saddie . ( Kiki was her teacher and Saddie is her friend who is a few months younger and not yet moving up ) . Adelaide talks about " Kiki Saddie " all the time . As if they are one entity . Kiki Saddie . Kiki Saddie . Adelaide even has a " Saddie shirt . " ( It 's actually the t - shirt with the daycare 's logo on it , but Saddie has one too so she calls it her " Saddie shirt . " ) Adelaide also has a Saddie cup . I 'm not sure where that even came from because I 've talked to Saddie 's parents and while Saddie does have sippie cups ( don 't they all ? ) she doesn 't have one like Adelaide 's " Saddie cup . " It 's not as if Adelaide doesn 't know the kids in the two - year - old room . She 's been going to our daycare three - days - a - week since she was 12 weeks old . Most of the other kids in her class were in her toddler room or even her infant room at one point . Our daycare is so small that Adelaide will still see Kiki and Saddie regularly . They all play together in the morning and during pick - up , and they sometimes do other activities together throughout the day . And , with a late October birthday , Saddie will likely be moving up to the two - year - old room later this year . Although today was day three of being in her new room , Adelaide walked straight into Kiki 's room when she got to school today . Old habits are hard to break , and I don 't think Adelaide quite understands that she 's not in Kiki 's room anymore . While getting dressed this morning and talking about school , it was all " Kiki Saddie . " Adelaide 's Birth Story July 28 , 2013 in Pregnancy \| 4 comments Adelaide turned two years old today . I thought it was time I finish writing her birth story . I consider this a work in progress , but I finally got the whole story out . Warning : it 's a long one , and it may be too much information for some . Our baby girl was due August 13 , 2011 . ( For the story of our gender reveal check out this post . ) At our 12 - week ultrasound , the technician said she thought the baby was measuring an August 17 due date . The technician said she wouldn 't want to be laboring on her birthday , and Tim and I joked that I would never have a birthday again . From then on , the day would be baby 's day , not mine . My doctor decided to leave the due date as August 13 since it was only four days off from my original due date . And while I knew that a " due date " was just an estimate and that I could reasonably go any time two weeks before or two weeks after , I knew it was likely baby and I would have birthdays very close together . Fast forward to July . My sister bought plane tickets to visit me for a week beginning August 14 , the day after my due date . She just found out that she got a new job ( yay ! ) and no longer had the flexibility to come whenever the baby arrived ( boo ! ) . I 'll admit I was nervous . I thought there was a good chance I 'd go into labor while she was here , and I wasn 't sure I wanted another person around while I was laboring at home and waiting to go to the hospital . I also worried that the baby may be late and my sister would miss her all together . My sister assured me it would be okay . Even if there was no baby yet , we 'd hang out , finish getting ready for her , and celebrate my birthday . As it turns out , I didn 't need to worry . On Tuesday , July 26 , I jokingly told Tim I thought the next Wednesday , August 3 , would be a good day to deliver . My work had already hired a temporary worker to assist while I was out on maternity leave . I was supposed to start training her Thursday and Friday , July 28 and 29 . I figured that by the following Wednesday , I 'd have most all my top priority projects wrapped up . My parents were " on call " to drive out from Illinois whenever they got word of baby 's arrival . If she was born on August 3 , my parents could come out the following week and still have a week here before my sister arrived on the 14th . I was born on a Wednesday , and August 3rd seemed like a nice day for a birthday . I had it all worked out in my mind . Still , it was all said tongue in cheek . While at 37 weeks I knew I was technically " full term " and could go at any time , I still figured I 'd be late . Even though both my sister and I were early , I had heard that most first - time moms don 't deliver until after their due date . So , when I went into labor in the middle of the night , around 2 am on Thursday , July 28 , I totally wasn 't expecting it . It 's so weird . Wednesday we were eating dinner at IHOP and looking at lamps for the nursery at Lowe 's , and then the next day we had a baby . She was here . No more planning . I didn 't have my hospital bag packed . I didn 't have my birth plan written out . I didn 't have a glider or breast pump . I didn 't have nursing bras or a diaper bag . Our house was a mess . I wasn 't yet organized . The nursery wasn 't complete . The dirty dishes were taking over the kitchen . We also had a maternity photo shoot planned for Sunday , July 31 . I had been telling people for the last nine months that I was due in " mid August " and it wasn 't even August yet . Then , I became a mom . I woke in the middle of the night with an intense urge to pee . This wasn 't an unusual occurrence . At 37 weeks pregnant I was regularly getting up in the night to use the bathroom - sometimes even twice in one night . Still , this sensation felt different - like , " wow , I must get to the bathroom now . " As I sat up and started to exit the bed , I ran my hand across the mattress to make sure that I hadn 't leaked or wet the bed . When I walked toward the bedroom door , I felt a wetness in my panties . As I walked down the hall , I felt a trickle down my leg . Right before going to bed that night , I was reading about incontinence in What to Expect When Expecting . I even told Tim that a mutual friend of ours had recently confided in me her incontinence issues after giving birth . So , as I 'm walking ( very quickly at this point ) down the hall , I 'm thinking that I 'm peeing my pants . Still half asleep , it was instinct to run to the toilet as quickly as possible . As I got to the doorway of the bathroom , I started to " leak " more and although I thought , " I should tighten my kegel muscles and try to stop it , " I was already to the toilet . There was a gush , but it all happened so fast that I wasn 't sure if it was my water breaking or just my bladder bursting with relief now that there was release . My panties were completely soaked . I had heard that amniotic fluid smelled distinctive - sweet , not like the ammonia of urine . I smelled my panties , but to tell you the truth , I couldn 't tell what it was . At that point I thought , well , I won 't flush the toilet in case I need to come back and reference this liquid . I 'll just wait and see if I start to have contractions . I knew that few women actually have their water break before contractions - in our birthing classes they told us this was more of a TV sit - com phenomenon than true life . But , when talking about it with my mom in the weeks prior , she said it happened that way for her both times . So , I went back to the bedroom , changed my underwear and crawled back into bed . I don 't even think Tim noticed I had gotten up . Then , almost immediately , I felt mild cramping in my lower abdomen , similar to period cramps . I knew I should relax , that I should try to go back to sleep because I could have a long day of laboring ahead of me . But of course , my mind was racing . And work ! Oh , there 's still so much to do . Our temp was supposed to come in and train today . And all those invoices on my desk - how will they know how to process them ? Who will set up the new budget spreadsheets ? I didn 't want to wake Tim . I wasn 't sure what was going on and there was no reason for us both to be awake and anxious . After about half an hour of lying in bed , I decided to grab my netbook laptop and come downstairs . Plus , I had to pee again already . I opened my laptop and Googled " water breaking vs . peeing . " There were a few message boards that came up , but nothing that answered my question to my satisfaction . I then downloaded a contraction counter to my smartphone . I may have dosed off briefly , but I couldn 't sleep . I didn 't even have my birth plan written out . After attending our Mindful Birthing class and doing lots of reading , I knew birth plans rarely went as planned . One of the midwives told me " they 're more like goals . " Still , I wanted to have something in writing that I could hand the nurse when we got to the hospital . I wanted something that said we wanted a low - intervention birth , that I intended to at least try for a natural , non - medicated birth with a midwife in the hospital 's birthing suite . I didn 't want to be tethered to a fetal heart monitor if it wasn 't medically necessary ; I wanted to be able to walk around . I wanted in writing that I wanted my husband to cut the umbilical cord and that I wanted to hold my baby and try to initiate breast feeding before she was taken out of room - that I wanted her with me skin - on - skin as long as possible . At one point ( it all seems like the middle of the night to me ) , I got back up and went downstairs to type this up . I basically summarized everything in the above short paragraph , but on that night , while beginning labor , I just couldn 't concentrate enough to write it all out . Plus , the contractions were getting more and more painful . I realized that if the contractions were too painful to continue typing , it was probably time to wake up Tim . By this time it was about 5 : 15am , around three hours after my water broke . I told Tim I thought I was in the early stages of labor , that I thought my water broke . He wasn 't as surprised as I thought he might be . He was just very matter - of - fact about it " alright . " We laid in bed together for a bit , but my contractions were getting more and more painful and it wasn 't comfortable for me to lie down anymore . Tim got up and started looking for someone to cover his shifts that day . He took the dog out for a walk . That period is now a haze for me . I remember throwing a bunch of stuff in my backpack . I didn 't know how long I would be laboring at the hospital , so I packed things for both my time laboring and my hospital stay afterwards - my camera , my laptop , the yoga ball , a book to read , an outfit to change into , my journal , some snacks . I was trying to following the 4 - 1 - 1 rule we learned in our birthing class : don 't go to the hospital until your contractions are four minutes apart . one minute long , for one hour . My contractions weren 't a minute long , but they were closer than four minutes . What did that mean ? I was so confused . I remember going down to the basement bathroom and laboring on the toilet . I felt better there , and I didn 't feel anxious about leaking fluids when I was sitting on the toilet . I bounced on the yoga ball , I leaned against the banister and Tim pushed my hips together ( a technique we had learned in class ) . I tried to envision each contraction as a wave coming in and out ( I had read that somewhere ) , but I don 't think I was very successful . I was loud . I moaned with each contraction and didn 't care that it was fairly early in the morning and that we lived in a rowhouse with neighbors close on both sides . I figured they could hear me and hoped that they didn 't call the police for some kind of domestic disturbance . I remember Matt Lauer being in the background as I know the TODAY show was on the TV . By 8 : 00am I had Tim call my midwife practice . They weren 't open yet , but there was an emergency line to call and leave a message . A few minutes later the on - duty midwife at the hospital called us back and Tim answered . I didn 't feel much like talking to her , but she wanted to speak to me . I told her I thought my water broke around 2 : 15am and since my water broke , she told me to come on in . Tim went and pulled the car up in front of the house . I was not looking forward to that car ride . At this point , I was in a severe amount of pain , and I was wailing pretty loudly . I leaned the chair back in the passenger 's seat and braced my feet in front of me . The ride to the hospital didn 't have to be a long one - we didn 't live far from the hospital . However , it was morning rush hour . Then , Tim took a left when he should have gone straight . He wasn 't thinking clearly , and we hadn 't previously discussed the most direct route to the hospital . We also hadn 't planned out the " drop off . " When we got to the hospital , he went straight to the Emergency Room drop - off when he should have turned and let me off at the main entrance . I didn 't want to wait for him to go around the block again , so I just had him pull over so I could get out and walk around the corner of the building . He went to park in the garage and said he 'd meet me inside with all our stuff . The expression on my face must have looked very serious , because she just waved me on . " Third floor , " she said . I walked to the elevator and felt another contraction coming on . I was relieved there was no one else in the elevator . Then , right before the doors were about to close , a female doctor got into the elevator with me . I tried not to be too dramatic about my pain and purposefully didn 't " let loose " like I 'd been doing at home and in the car . She immediately came over to see if I was okay . I could tell she was worried . I knew where I was going ( I 'd been on the hospital tour ) , and although she tried to get me to go the wrong way on the floor , I started walking toward the registration desk . " Okay , you clearly know more than I do , " she said . " Good luck . " When I got to the desk , they were expecting me . I 've heard stories about women having to wait in the waiting room or wait in the triage room for a long time . I was taken into the triage room , right as Tim arrived . They wanted me to pee in a cup and I tried , but I just couldn 't do it . The pain was all - encompasing . I remember wearing a gown and laying in a hospital bed at one point . They checked me and said I was 5 cm and 100 % effaced . " I guess it 's a good thing we had you come in , " the midwife told me . They asked if I wanted to deliver in the birthing suite . " That was the plan . I 'd like to try if I can . " ( If you have an epidural , our hospital doesn 't let you stay in the birthing suite , you have to be monitored in a standard hospital room ) . A few contractions later , they checked me again . 7cm . Someone explained that most women increase a centimeter an hour , not a centimeter every 15 minutes . ( Had it really been a half an hour ? ) Things were moving quickly . All modesty went out the window . I 've had other soon - to - be - mothers ask me what to wear while laboring . Well , I guess you could wear a nice tank top or some other " laboring outfit , " but once in the birthing suite , I birthed completely naked . I think part of the reason was because when I first got into the room they asked me if I wanted to get into the bathtub . I had heard from friends that this relieved some pain , so I was really looking forward to getting into the water . " If you feel like you need to push , let me know , " the midwife said . " We can 't let you have the baby in the water and if we do , I 'll get in a lot of trouble . " She said with a laugh . I remember the midwife trying to get me to trill my lips while I was mid - contraction , a way to relax and breathe . I couldn 't do it , I just couldn 't get my lips to work . After trying a few times I remember saying , " that one 's not working - try something else . " Next , I moved into the shower . Standing , with the water flowing over my back and leaning with both arms on Tim 's forearms , I felt better than I did in the tub . But we weren 't in there long either . The next thing I know , we were back in the main birthing suite pushing . I started out in the bed on all fours , many pillows stacked up underneath me for support . The nurse left to get me some ice and a drink of what I think was seltzer and cranberry juice . Tim was next to me the whole time , but the midwife was the one in command . We moved to a birthing chair - a weird wooden chair with no middle . I pushed through a few contractions there as well . The midwife asked me if we had a named picked out . " Adelaide " Tim and I both said . " Adelaide . " I believe we then moved back to the bed where I pushed on all fours again . I remember liking the bed better than the chair because at this point I was getting really tired and I could rest all of my body weight on the mattress . I can picture Tim there to my left with the drink and the ice saying supportive things . " I can 't do this . I can 't do this , " I repeated . " Yes you can , " they all told me . " You ARE doing this . " I could tell she was concerned that there might be something more than just the pains of a natural childbirth . " I 'm just tired , " I said . " I just want to meet her . " Although I 'd heard it over and over that delivering laying on your back is counter - intuitive to how our bodies are built to birth babies , I found myself on my back . I guess I was technically sitting more than laying on my back . I was propped up by so many pillows that I was in an upright position . An intern held my left leg up near my chest . Tim held my right leg . I remember having a hard time keeping that left leg up while pushing through the contractions . They really had to hold my legs tightly to help give me some leverage . I remember the midwife and nurse talking about all the hair they were seeing . " Oh she has a lot of hair . There 's so much hair . " They asked me to reach down and feel the top of her head . Yeah , it was pretty cool I guess , but at the moment , I wasn 't having it . I didn 't care about her hair and I wanted them to talk about something else . I remember feeling as if the pushing took a really long time . However , in retrospect , Tim said it was only about 45 minutes or so . I just kept envisioning the moment I would meet her . " I just want to meet her . I just want to meet her , " I repeated to myself . Then , on the final push Tim said , " Oh wow . Oh Wow . Oh WOW " - each time a little louder as he saw her head , then shoulders , then whole body emerge . The nurse immediately placed her on my chest . Things at this point were a bit of a blur . We arrived at the hospital around 9am and just after noon , she was born . I believe my first words were , " It is a girl isn 't it ? " still paranoid that the ultrasound had been wrong . The nurse lifted her back up to double check . " Yes , it 's a girl . " I held Adelaide for a bit and she found my breast . After a while ( my memory loses track of time here ) , they took her to be weighed , checked her vitals and footprinted her . Tim took photos as I rested in bed across the room . Eventually they took her to get cleaned up and rolled in some lunch for me . I was disappointed there was no photo shoot in the park , and I didn 't get the chance to train my temp at work . I felt guilty for leaving several things up in the air when I went on an earlier - than - expected maternity leave . I imagine I would have felt differently had I been scheduled to be induced and knew what day I would give birth , or if I had reached my due date and was more prepared that she could come any day . In many ways , I know I was lucky to have avoided the anxiety of being overdue . And the hospital staff made sure to tell me that most women would 've been envious of my quick labor . When we got home from the hospital , I missed being pregnant ( at least parts of it ) , and I felt as if I didn 't get to properly say good - bye to that stage in the cycle . But , I had a new job . I was a mom , and I didn 't have time to think twice about it . I was doing it and trying to digest it all . In the days ahead , I tried to survive the sleepless nights , to sleep when she slept and to enjoy her bright eyes , many facial expressions and calming coos . Adelaide says … ( the potty training edition ) July 10 , 2013 in Toddler \| 2 comments We bought Adelaide a little potty a few weeks ago . She was super interested in it at first and wanted to sit on it all the time ( clothes on ) . When we came back from our trip to Illinois , Tim and I decided to see if she wanted to start sitting on it without a diaper and had her sit on it when we went to the bathroom . She 's been talking a lot more about the potty and accurately reports when she has gone poop , or " poot " as she says , but we had low expectations and didn 't really know what we were doing . ( I have a book on potty training , but I haven 't had time to read it yet ! ) Anyway , the second day we had her sit on the potty , she actually peed in it . Unfortunately , I didn 't realize this at first and didn 't see the pee in the potty until several hours later . No proper praise given for a job well done . Later that evening I put her back on the potty . She stood up and walked into the hall where she peed on the hardwood floor . I immediately called Tim over to help clean it up and we told her that we don 't pee on the floor , we pee in the potty . That was a couple of weeks ago . Ever since that incident , Adelaide 's interest in the potty and sitting on it ( clothed or not ) has waned . When we mention sitting on the potty she just says , " no potty floor . " I think we 've traumatized her . One thing I did read is that parents need to be consistent in the terminology we use . I admit I find this a challenge . I tend to call both the toilet and urine " potty " although I 'm trying to refer to the toilet as the " potty " and urination as " pee . " One time she called the pee " water " and I tried to explain that 's the pee . We got this 3 - in - 1 duck potty on clearance at Target for $ 5 . 99 . It 's supposed to play music when it senses liquid in the basin . We thought that would be annoying , so we never got batteries for it . Now I 'm rethinking it since I didn 't even know she actually peed in it . The music is supposed to be a reward for the kiddo , but it would also be an indicator for me . Or , I could just make it a point to actually check . First snow February 27 , 2013 in Toddler \| 1 comment These were taken last month , on January 26 . It was a Saturday morning and although we only had an inch or two of powder , we got Adelaide bundled up and out to experience snow for the first time . We carried her down a few blocks to the " lawn " at the local public high school . We live in South Philly . No one has yards and the closest park is a little further than we wanted to walk . Knowing last winter was so mild , we decided not to shell out the money for snow shoes and a waterproof snowsuit this winter . Looking at these photos though , she looks pretty goofy . A friend of mine in the neighborhood took plastic bags , wrapped them around her kid 's feet and tied them with twine . I saw photos she posted on Facebook - I guess we weren 't the only ones making a fashion statement . When we first put Adelaide down in the snow she just stood still and didn 't even want to move in it . She didn 't want to walk unless Tim or I were holding her hand . When she fell , she wasn 't very happy about it . I think it was a texture thing . She seemed to have a good time overall , and we didn 't stay out for long . Most of the snow had melted by the afternoon , so I 'm glad we took the time to go out and experience it . To the disappointment of my dog and my husband , it 's really the only snow we 've had this winter . I would have liked a little more of the white stuff myself , but I don 't mind the more mild temperatures we 've had the last two months . It 's been cold , but we haven 't had many days where it 's been , as Tim says , " stupid cold . " It 's not yet March so technically there 's still time for more snow . I 'm not holding my breath . Still , I decided to take the opposite approach for next year . Last night I took advantage of an end - of - season sale and went ahead and bought snow boots for Adelaide to wear next winter . Philly Fall in Review : Day 4 November 30 , 2012 in Toddler \| No comments It may be a day late , but it 's Day 4 of my five - day " Philly Fall in Review " series . ( Day 1 , Day 2 , Day 3 ) . Since the last post was so copy heavy , Day 4 will be a photo essay of Adelaide 's first trip to the zoo . Tim and I talked about taking Adelaide to the Philadelphia Zoo all summer . However , we wanted to wait until after her first birthday so she would appreciate it a little more . ( We also wanted to wait until after the hot days of summer . ) So , we had a beautiful Sunday in October and decided to spend the afternoon visiting the animals . Although we took our stroller , Adelaide just wanted to walk everywhere herself . The big animals were her favorites , but I think she enjoyed watching the other kids almost as much as watching the animals . Philly Fall in Review : Day 1 November 26 , 2012 in Toddler \| No comments December is just five days away . Since I have several autumn - related posts that are bordering " too late , " I decided to spend the next five days recapping our October and November . To begin the five - day series , Adelaide 's first haircut . To tell you the truth , I don 't know if I 've met anyone Adelaide 's age with as much hair as she has . I 'm sure they 're out there , but I haven 't met them . She 's always had a lot of hair , but it wasn 't until the end of the summer that I had to " do " her hair every day . Her hair was so long that she wouldn 't be able to see if I didn 't put the front section back in a little ponytail or piggie tails on top . She was like a sheep dog . So , when I made my hair appointment for October 10 , my stylist said to bring Adelaide for the beginning of the appointment . She sat on my lap for a few minutes to get comfortable with her surroundings . Then , Katie sprayed her hair with water and gave her some wispy bangs . I thought that with bangs , Adelaide would at least be able to wear her hair down sometimes . She wouldn 't need to sit still for Mom to put her hair back every morning . Thanksgiving Day I put Adelaide 's hair in true piggy tails for the first time . Then on Saturday , she wore her first ponytail . Her hair is so fine and it 's not really long enough for a ponytail , but it sure is cute . Later in this week 's " Philly Fall in Review , " I 'll post some pictures of her latest hairstyles . And yes , I asked my stylist to save some of the cut locks to include in Adelaide 's baby book . I remember looking at my baby book and the clipping from my first haircut . My hair was a golden honey ( similar to the less - than - natural color I 'm sporting right now ) . I imagine Adelaide one day flipping through the pages of her baby book and laughing at these photos of her first haircut . Moustache 1st Birthday October 28 , 2012 in Toddler \| 2 comments In my previous post , I mentioned the article 10 Great Ways to Be An Unhappy Mom . Number two on the list is " Compare yourself to other mothers . " It 's hard not to compare myself to all the mommy bloggers I see online . So , I 'm trying to keep this in mind when I consider Adelaide turns 15 months old today , and I have yet to publish my post for her first birthday . To my credit , I started the post just days after Adelaide 's birthday on July 28 , but it took a while to get all the photos together and it 's been sitting in my " draft " box ever since . I started brainstorming ideas for Adelaide 's first birthday several months before the event . I knew I wanted to have a party - more for us than for her - but I also knew that with a late - July birthday , it was likely to be hot and humid . My parents were planning to visit Philly and help us celebrate the day , but we don 't have a lot of space at our place . We don 't have central air either . If we wanted to invite a size - able group of people for a party , our house was out . An outdoor party at a park was an option , but not very appealing in the heat and with the possibility of rain . I asked around and searched online for an inexpensive room we could rent for a few hours . I didn 't have much luck . Places were either more than I wanted to pay or couldn 't have us until " after hours " - not appropriate timing for a one - year - old whose bedtime is 7 : 30pm . Fortunately , my friend lives in a condo building that has a fantastic community room on the second floor . It was exactly what I needed . A large air - conditioned space easily accessible to public transportation , and it was only $ 50 for 5 hours . I 'm not sure the space is usually open to the public , but since my friend booked the room , it wasn 't a problem at all . Several weeks later on Facebook I stumbled upon a photo a friend from college posted . It was from a formal party , but he and his wife were hamming it up and holding moustaches on a stick . " I could make those , " I thought to myself as I immediately started Googling " moustache on a stick tutorial " and " moustache party . " Soon , I had a new board on Pinterest dedicated to all the cute party ideas I was finding . Apparently , moustache 's are really in right now . I used this moustache - on - a - stick tutorial from the blog Simply Modern Mom , and I found this fun recipe for a moustache cake on the blog Paisley Jade . It 's a circle cake that 's cut in half with a swirl , like a yin and yang symbol . Then , one side is flipped upside down to create a somewhat even moustache shape . I iced it in chocolate frosting . Also featured on this table were the party favors , Adelaide 's special individualized cake and the moustache cookies my friend Kathy made for the event . When it came time for Adelaide 's cake , she wasn 't so sure about it at first . But once we cut into it for her , she got the hang of it . I love the mischievousness in her eyes of this first photo . At the end of the party , Adelaide and I opened presents together . She got many generous gifts from friends and family , but as is true for most kids her age , she was more interested in the paper , bows , boxes and ribbons . Happy 1st Birthday , baby girl . We are so happy to celebrate you , and your first year of life in this world . Whether they could be here to celebrate with you in person or not , always know there are so many who love you .
What the world looks at as broken and discards , the Lord sees worth and beauty . He LOVES them period . When was the last time you picked up the broken and looked for the beauty that lies beneath and loved them for who they are ? For the past week or two , I have been getting a picture in my head . I keep seeing a large football field with many players on it . Each fighting desperately to win the game and no matter how hard they try , they cannot reach the goal . On the sidelines stands the Lord , with his arms crossed looking and watching the game . He stands there very patiently , just waiting and watching . Along side of him is a bench , empty of all players ; they are all on the field . My question is : Is he standing there as a coach , waiting to give direction to the team , so they can take their team to victory ? Or , is he standing and waiting patiently to be asked into the game , the only player that has not been included ? Have we forgotten to ask Him for direction or have we forgotten to include Him in our everyday battles ? Just some thoughts , would love to hear what you think . Thursday we will all gather with our friends and families to celebrate Christmas . Some will spend the morning opening gifts in our warm homes . Later we will gather at the table to sit and enjoy the feast that has been prepared . We will laugh , enjoy the day and we will give thanks to God for the many blessings . I have spent many of Christmas 's doing just that , but this year we celebrated a little early and not in the traditional manner . Yes , I will still be doing the Christmas thing on Thursday , but I think today was the Christmas I will always remember . Today we celebrated Christmas with our friends without homes in the park . When we arrived at the park it was still snowing . As usual we were greeted with a group that helps unload the truck and helps setup . No big turkey dinner , but instead turkey sandwiches , hot chicken soup , brownies for desert and lots of hot chocolate . Okay it 's not your traditional Christmas dinner , but they loved it . Then Santa arrived . Terrica 's husband dressed as Santa and handed out gift bags that we stuffed with hot chocolate , gloves , handwarmers , socks , homemade cookies , candy and a personal card . I was blown away by the reaction of our friends . Their eyes lit up and there were smiles from ear to ear . To see these tuff street friends become like little kids was unbelievable . They hugged on Santa and some asked to have their picture taken with him . They started singing Christmas carols ; they laughed and had such a goodtime . They were digging in their little bag to see what Santa had brought them ; it was like watching little kids on Christmas morning . What a joy it was . As we stood in the freezing weather and snow , I thought to myself , what is the biggest gift you could ever give someone ? I looked around and yes they were enjoying Santa , the food and the little gift bags , but they will tell you that they will do without all that to spend time with someone who cares . The biggest gift you could ever give someone is unconditional love and you . Give of yourself and your time . I saw so mPosted by I keep thinking of the ocean the last few weeks . Its vast , unexplored beauty draws you to it , the blue mystical waters and the sun beating down to warm your face . It invites you in to take sail , but never warns you of the unforeseen dangers and storms . Your course has been charted and though you cannot see your final destination , you know what it is . You set sail and the waters are calm and the slight wind thrusts you forward as you set out . There are storms that arise and batter your boat and tug at your sails , but the storm always passes and a new day breaks , the sun shines through again and you continue on your course . There are some who are caught up in the storm that rages fiercely and will not pass . Its waves just beat down , bent on destroying anything in its path . The sky becomes dark and menacing and the light cannot be seen through the darkness that is surrounding you . You find yourself tossed from the safety of your boat and now face the waves head on . You fight and cry for help , but there is no one there to hear your cries . You fight to keep your head above water and soon you grow weary . You become tired , your strength is gone and you feel yourself slipping into the abyss . You sink deeper and deeper into the cold dark waters , hoping someone will notice your need for help . As you struggle to return to the surface , you can see through the water that the storm above has passed and the light is once again shinning brightly , but no matter how hard you try you can 't break the through , no matter what direction you swim in you can 't break free . No one has noticed that you are drowning and your need of help . Though you keep struggling and searching you are trapped in the unforgiving waters . Today someone broke through and saw the light . I was standing the park today when someone came up long side of me and grabbed me , it was Robert . I met Robert a while back in the park . Today he had been drinking , as he usually does , but today he was upset and desperately needed someone to talk too . Him and his wife are boPosted by My son is out of town for the holiday and I was going to spend the day alone watching movies . Instead Sunday , I decided to invite a couple of people from the park , who have become good friends . The four of us watched football , ate way to much food , laughed and had a great time . As much as a misfit group we were , as we sat down to the table to eat , we sat as family . Each of us with our own struggles and different lifestyles , but we came together , accepted each one right where they were and loved each other for the person they are . We loved period and it was a beautiful day ! I did screw up though , you never serve dinner the same time as KICK OFF of the football game ! Picked Darlene up early in the morning and put her to work cooking ! Darlene . . . . . Kieth . . . . . Kim Love my Park Friends I was wanting to share and blog about the park . It has been a long time since I have shared and wanted to catch people up on the things going on down there , but I wanted to share about Terrance . He has been on my heart for the last few weeks . Two weeks ago on November 10 , I happened to turn on the evening news and found that on that day they found Terrance . Terrance was 51 years old and had been on the streets for a while . I had seen is face around the park , but had never really engaged with him . I found out that night that he had climbed into a bale of waste paper at the recycling center and was crushed to death . The news said they don 't know why he climbed in the container . I know it had been raining for days and weather had turned cold . The shelters are sometimes full and there are many just trying to survive outside in the streets . I really feel that Terrance , maybe not having a place to go and get out of the cold and rain , climbed into the recycling bin . Under the piles of paper he would have been dry and much warmer than sleeping on the streets somewhere . I write about Terrace , because all the news referred to was that he was some homeless man , nothing more . As I think about Terrace the last few weeks , my heart hurts for the loss of this man . Yes , I really did not know him , but at one time he may have been someone 's husband , father and he was someone 's child . Most of all he was not just some homeless man ; Terrance was a beloved child of our God . Terrance could have been anyone of my friends without homes , on any given day . I wish I had the chance to throw my arms around him and let him know he was loved . When I go to the park now on I will hug a little harder and say " I love you " a little more often . You will be missed Terrance ! November 10 , 1999 at 6 : 45 in the morning is the day a piece of my heart was ripped out and has never been replaced . They say time heals , but there are something 's in life that no amount of time can heal . Life goes on and you learn to deal with the pain , but it is always there . I now deal with my pain in private , alone in my room is when I break down cry , grieve and cry out to God for understanding . On that day nine years ago I received a phone call that my oldest son Franklin had passed away . He was seventeen and three months away from his eighteenth birthday . How excited he was to be turning eighteen . He was your typical teenager and we had dealt with the typical teenage stuff . Perfect he was not , but I loved him with all my heart . Franklin did have a great compassion and heart for people though . He loved to make people happy and if there was someone in need , he wanted to help . I think sometimes about the person he may have become . I remember him sitting in church one day and just crying over some pictures they were showing of children in other countries and is longing to help them . He told me that one day he was going to go to Africa to preach and help the children there . I tell people he was going to be my preacher and I wonder sometimes if that is what he would have done and were he would have gone . I think of how he would have loved to be in the park with us on Sunday 's , just loving on the people there . I think about him a lot when we are there in the park . I have his violin lying in the corner of my room . I can remember him practicing at night after school and gritting my teeth at the sounds that would come from that violin . In amazement though , when he would sit and play with the orchestra , I would just cry at the beautiful music that was coming from that violin . I would give anything to hear those teeth gritting sounds again . Out of all three of my boys , he was the one who talked about having a wife and kids . He would have been 26 almost 27 now and I wonder what kind of wife he would have had and if hePosted by Well this past Sunday was the day of the annual move back to the winter spot . During the summer the pavilion that is used in the winter , is rented out for different activities and we are not able to use the covering . With summer over and families and companies no longer using the covering we are able to move back . With winter coming it does help some when it is raining or snowing . It doesn 't provide any shelter from the cold , but at least some are not getting wet . For those who are asking , yes , we are outside all year long . This move brought some worries and excitement at the same time . Worry , because winter is approaching and I am very concerned for my friends during these cold days . They leave the shelters at seven in the morning and can 't return until about eight thirty in the evening . Try staying that long outside in the frigged cold . The move did bring a sense of excitement though . As I stood in the park Sunday , I realized I had come full circle . This is the spot were I started a year ago . A year ago on my first day down there , I remember sitting in the truck shacking , scared to death to go by myself and boldly go and just start talking to the homeless in the park . I almost drove off that day and I thank my God that I did not . In one year 's time , my life has drastically changed and I would not ask to go back and redo any of it . In these beautiful people , I have found friends , family and I have seen God move in ways that just floor me . They tell me that I am one of them , what they don 't realize is that they have become such a part of me , that I can 't ever think of not having them around . Sunday Terrica met me at the house , James ( my son ) got off work early , and we packed up the truck and headed down . When we arrived at the park , we unloaded right away and were instantly mobbed by people . With in about a half hours time we were out of everything . I could not believe the crowd down there this weekend . Dianna arrived shortly after . Her heart is really with the young children we get there . She sat at a tPosted by She approached the old wooden door , stopped and looked at the key she held . Even though she stood there tired and feeling alone , her companion was by her side . He never left her , but there were times she felt as though she was fighting the battle alone . He urged her to open the door , reminding her that there was no time to waste . She placed the old skeleton key in the lock and opened the door . The room seemed old , had a beat up wooden floor and walls . There was one window , no curtains and when the sun came thru you could see the dust in the rays of the light . Though the room seemed empty , in the corner almost hidden from the light , was a old dusty chest , a chest that she had become very familiar with . When she first received the chest , it was bran new , shiny and was perfect in everyway . Over time it had become dented and the shine has dulled , but even with its flaws it was precious to her , for inside it contained her armor , the armor she did battle with . Her companion reminded her that it was time and she need to prepare . So , she walked to the chest and as she knelt beside it , she opened the chest and started to remove the items she had been given . When she first met her companion , he gave her the Helmet of Salvation , Shield of Faith , Shoes of Peace , Belt of Truth , Breastplate of Righteousness and the Sword of the Spirit . All of these items had become very important when she went out for battle , but there were other items in the chest that she had received from her companion over the years . Once again she reached in the chest and removed the new set of eyes he gave her , these were so she could see those in the loving way that he sees them . He had given her strong arms to love and hold those that were so precious to him . Then there it was , his heart , so she could understand and express his love and compassion to others with his heart . He told her that in time other pieces of armor will be added to the chest , but they will come in due time . As she stood there adorned in her armor , she had a sense of excitement and wasPosted by Well I know I said I would try and keep those who are interested , updated on the park and I have fallen behind . So , here is an update on the park . About a month and a half ago , Terrica started joining me in the park . After her first visit there she was hooked . My friends without homes just love her and she has fit right in . Dianna started joining us a few weeks ago and she really has a heart for the kids , the little kids who are there . She also has been really accepted and welcomed by those in the park . I am so grateful and blessed to have these two wonderful women join me down there . I have been praying for others to come down to the park and help . It sometimes can get overwhelming and these two women have been an answer to my prayers . They have been a blessing to my friends and a big blessing to me . Right now it is just the three of us , so if anyone out there would like to give of themselves and just want to love on some wonderful people , let us know , you 'll never be the same after your first time in the park ! We have about 100 to 200 people each week in the park . This includes single men and women , young adults and families with young children . There were a lot of children this past weekend . We still supply sandwiches , water , socks and other necessities . With cold weather coming on , we have started to try and collect gloves , beanies , coats , scarves , hand warmers and anything else that may help with the cold , especially for those who stay outside during the winter . If anyone can help with these things , we would be grateful . When God called me to the park , almost a year now . He said I was to love on them , accept them right where they were and have a relationship with them . I thought at the time that he was crazy , how can that make a difference in someone 's life . Well , the effects , of just giving of yourself , loving on someone and how it can change a person 's life , have blown me away . By loving , accepting and having a relationship , walls are coming down , doors into people 's hearts are opening up , trust is bePosted by Repost of some statistics I found , these were taken three years ago and the numbers surely have risen since : While browsing the Internet , I came across a blog that contained some interesting information about homelessness in a part of the US : In January 2005 , an estimated 744 , 313 people experienced homelessness in the United States . In Idaho there are estimated to be 5 , 092 homeless people in shelters and 332 without shelter , giving Idaho one of the highest rates of homelessness per capita . The national average is 0 . 30 % of the total population . Idaho 's average is 0 . 38 % . In comparison , Utah 's average is only 0 . 13 % . 56 percent of homeless people counted were living in shelters and transitional housing and , shockingly , 44 percent were unsheltered . 59 percent of homeless people counted were single adults and 41 percent were persons living in families . In total , 98 , 452 homeless families were counted . 23 percent of homeless people were reported as chronically homeless , which , according to HUD 's definition , means that they are homeless for long periods or repeatedly and have a disability . A number of states had high rates of homelessness , including Alaska , California , Colorado , Hawaii , Idaho , Nevada , Oregon , Rhode Island , and Washington State . In addition , Washington , DC had a high rate of homeless people . I recently read a blog from Co _ Heir ( www . myspace . com / co _ heir ) called " Autopsy . " This blog was eye opening and powerful . It seems to be a reflection of some of the places we worship currently , not all , but some . May it make something rise up in you to bring new life back to that which no longer has real life . With Co _ Heir 's permission , I am reposting his blog . Monday , September 08 , 2008AutopsyThe subject is dead . The history of the dying is as follows : Twenty or thirty years ago , the subject had opportunities to broaden horizons and take actions to ensure long term flexibility and health . Like many others , the subject preferred to continue making the same lifestyle choices that were good during the early years , but that had outlived their usefulness . The subject not only refused to make needed changes , but began to speak out against those who did change and refused to work with them in the community . I believe this is the point when the subject began to die . As the years went by , the subject became further entrenched in the old ways , even as life and vitality continued to wane . Friends and family members began to leave and find others to spend time with . The subject began to shrink and muscles began to atrophy . A form of dementia set in and the subject began to withdraw and close out the rest of the world , only opening the door to the occasional visitor . Visitors were few and far between , and those who did come quickly realized that the subject 's ways of believing and acting were not for them . The old caretaker retired , and a new one arrived with dreams of revitalizing the subject . What the new caretaker and the subject 's few remaining friends didn 't realize was that the subject was already too far gone . Due to a lack of action , the muscles had deteriorated to the point where some of them had actually disappeared . This caused some of the internal organs to also lose function and die . The subject was placed on life support in an attempt to keep certain functions working . These functions were seen as essential to the carPosted by James ( my son ) and I ran into Wal Mart yesterday , to pick up a few things . We were in a hurry , much like the rest of the world is these days . We passed the bin in the movie section , were they have the old movies they are trying to get rid of . James asked if we couldn 't stop and look real quick . Okay , just for a minute , I thought . So there we stood digging thru the movies , looking for something we might be interested in watching , when I hear this man 's voice say " I have a couple of diggers here . " " Excuse Me , " I said as I started to rise up to look at him . I was not sure if he was joking with us or insulting us . " I have a couple of diggers to help me out , " he said . This is when I took a second look at the man and noticed something that I had not noticed in the beginning . This man had no arms , now I understood why he needed a couple of diggers . I looked at James and he looked at the man and without hesitation asked , " so what are we looking for . " The gentleman explained that he had seen an old movie a couple of days ago and had comeback for it . So , James and I dug and dug , while this man directed us as to where we were to look and how best to dig for it . He even said , jokingly , at one time that he was going to go over by James because he dug faster . I tried to explain that I had only one hand to work with because the other was full . He laughed and reminded me that I was still one up on him . Okay , got me there , I 'll dig faster . After about fifteen or twenty minutes , we found not one , but two movies he had been looking for . We asked if there was anything else we might be able to do for him . He replied " no " that is all I came in for . " Okay then , have a good day , " I said . He was turning to walk away , stopped and looked back at us and said , " There is one more thing I would like to tell you . " " What 's that ? " I asked ? His response brought goose bumps all up and down my arms . He very calmly said " I thank you for being my arms extended in the world today ! " So I will leave you with that tPosted by Today was one of those days in the park , were you have one of those moments that you go okay , what just happened here . I had taken my son to work and while waiting for Terrica to get to the house , I was making sandwiches . I popped in an old cd of a conference I had attended years ago , of Bill Johnson speaking . The part of the message that caught my ear was how we miss God in the little things . We see God move and each time He moves , we look for him in bigger and better ways , always wanting something more spectacular and forget to see Him in the small stuff . While at the park , did the usual , hand things out , give out hugs , talked , mostly hangout . I spent a lot of time talking to Tony from the Vineyard . Tony has such a loving heart and compassion for the people there and it is always a pleasure to talk to him . Tony had gone to get something to eat and I was standing there talking to a gentleman who I had not seen in the park before , but very much wanted to talk and have company . As we were talking I could hear yelling behind me . I turned and there were to guys , one lying on the ground and one standing over him , both yelling and threatening each other . I had seen people at the park yelling and screaming at each other and they usually work it out and go their separate ways . Today though it was different . I was standing there and I was just praying to myself , God please make these two stop and what can I do to help the situation ? About this time one of them decided to start kicking at the other that was laying down . Now he has crossed the line and this going to get ugly I thought . I don 't know what you want me to do God , but here we go . I handed my glasses to Terrica . I didn 't know what was going to happen , but I didn 't want to break my glasses and I prayed , Lord please don 't let them break my teeth , other than that , if you want me to get into the middle of it I will . I walked over to were the two were and waited to see what was going to happen next . They were still going at it and the crowd was edging them on . Posted by This week is the annual Art in the Park . The park will be closed for the art show and we will not be able to get in to spend time with our friends without homes . I love spending time with my friends in the park , but this gave a much - needed opportunity to relax and evaluate things and doors that are beginning to open in regards to the park . So , today I headed down with Terrica to Art in the Park , were we met up with her son Jaymes and we took in and enjoyed all that the Art show had to offer . A nice warm , beautiful day , and I had two of the most wonderful people to spend it with . Enjoyed every moment that I got to spend time with these beautiful and special people … . . Thanks you two ! I was excited to go down and see my friends without homes Sunday . It was the end of the month so there were more people than usual , I would have to say no less than two hundred people there . The moment I stepped out of my truck , it was like stepping into the crashing waves of the ocean . A wave of people just coming at you , all wanting your attention , all in their own way saying look at me , do you see me . A half a dozen people would be trying to talk to you at the same time and each just wanting that individual attention . Even through the crashing waves though , you would catch a glance at that one who was lost among the waves , one that didn 't clamor for attention , but needed to be seen . The one that says I am drowning out here and I need someone to rescue me . As I stood among this crowd of people , trying desperately to give each some attention , I looked up and saw Chris hanging back in the crowd . Chris I met last year , he now has his own place and has been off the streets for three or four months now . He has no close friends and the only family he is close to , is his brother in - law Mike who has cancer , so when he needs someone to talk too , he comes to the park and we talk . The look on his face told me something was wrong . I made my way over to him and asked what is wrong ? He could barely get the words out before he broke down and cried . Mike the one person whom he was close to had passed away . I held him as he cried and I cried with him , I did not know Mike , but we stood there together crying and mourning his loved ones death . We sat and talked for a long time . We talked about Mike and the feelings Chris was going thru . He is a recovering alcoholic and he said he almost went drinking , but decided to come down to the park instead . I am so grateful that he did . He left shortly after we talked . I called him today and will continue to check in on him . I found my way to a picnic table and was joking and talking to a group that is regulars down there . As I sat there , there was a line of people lined up for the feed , thrPosted by I have been wanting to blog about Sunday , but every time I start my mind is drawn back to my friend Terrica . I have known Terrica since about February and the more I know her the more I am blessed and honored to call her friend . Terrica has expressed a desire to come down to the park and see what I do there . I told her I go hand out things , but most of all I see my friends , accept them right were they are and most of all love on them . Until you experience it and see them the way God sees them , most people do not understand . This Sunday , Terrica called and said she was on her way to my house to ride down to the park with me . I instantly got nervous . She has such a heart and love for the broken and hurting . I knew that she would treat my friends with love and respect , but I was more worried about her reaction . If you are not use to hanging out with those without homes , it can be overwhelming and to be honest a shock . We arrived at the park and were greeted almost immediately by about five or six people . My son James was with us and he knows what to expect . We started to unload things and in the process I was trying to introduce Terrica to whom I could . Terrica was standing along side of me watching and after talking with one guy , I turned and she was gone . I panicked for a minute , I expected to turn and see her running thru the park looking for the nearest exit home . Okay she didn 't jump ship , she 's behind me . So , off thru the park we went . I introduced her around and everyone was very excepting of her , I was grateful that all were very comfortable around her . Terrica ended up sitting at a table with three gentlemen and spent most the time with them . I would sit down with them from time to time , just to see what was going on . I was amazed at how fast they let her in and even opened up to her . What a conversation they were having , it was awesome . When we got ready to leave , I looked at these gentlemen and their faces said it all . She has no idea how much she blessed these wonderful men today I thought . She sat witPosted by You ever wake up and you just get that feeling that something is different about this day ? You feel God all around you and the winds are shifting ? He 's the conductor , we are the instruments and He already knew what parts we were to play . Sunday was one of those days . I woke up early Sunday ; I was still thinking about the service I attended the night before , the awesome word that was spoken and how it spoke words of hope into my life . I ran my son to work and then rushed home to get ready for church , but God said no , this morning I want you to spend time with me alone . So , we both sat on the couch and just had some quality time talking ( something I had not done in awhile and should do more often ) . A few hours later Sean called . I met Sean in the park , when he was living at the shelter ; he now has his own place , but still goes to the park every so often . He had asked if I could pick him up on the way to the park , sure I always like company . Then my son called for a ride home , he never gets off early on Sunday 's . As I was headed home I asked him if he wanted to go to the park ( he doesn 't go down very often ) " Yeah sounds good " he said . Shocked me ! So , we packed up the truck , picked Sean up and headed for the park . When we got to the park all of us were shocked . I pulled up and before any of us could get out of the truck , someone yelled the sandwich lady is here and we had a mass of people coming at us . Moose got to me first , he always asks were my son is and today was no different ; he didn 't see James in the truck . I told him he was here and Moose got the biggest smile , I don 't know what it is , but he is always thrilled to see him . By this time we had this large group of people there and we were handing things out as fast as we could . The part of the whole thing that blew me away was , they were not just there to get a sandwich or something to drink , but most of them before they took anything wanted a hug and some would ask , " Do you remember me " ? As everyone went back to their place in park , my son turnMosaic Street The last few weeks I have been struggling with thoughts of did you pick the right person for the job Lord ? I have been going to the park now for almost a year . When God called me to do this , He told me I was to go and be a friend and love on the broken , wounded and unloved people without homes . So , I go every week and do just that , I sit and talk , give a hug , let them know I care and tell them I love them . In the back of my mind I keep thinking there is more I should be doing . I keep thinking that if I could do this in the park or that down there , maybe I could reach more people . Each and every time I have these thoughts , God tells me that is not what I called you to do , all I asked you to do is love them . Well Lord , do my words have any meaning , do they have any impact , do they affect a life in anyway , and are you using me to make any kind of difference in this world ? Lord do they see you and do they see the God that loves them when I speak to them ? Then the Lord showed me what three little words , " I love you " can do . Sunday was a fairly slow day in the park . It 's the first of the month and usually there are not many people in the park . I was sitting at a picnic table with a few people talking and had gotten up to get a drink of water . About this time , Marlboro ( I have spoken about him in other blogs ) came walking by in a rush . His face was fire red with anger and his fist were clenched . As he approach I asked what is wrong ? " I 'm going to go to jail , because I am going to kill him , " he said . I grabbed him by his shirt and made him stop . Probably not the wisest thing to do , reach out and grab someone who is pissed off and on a mission to hurt someone , but I needed to stop him from doing something he would regret later . I stood between him and the man he had is anger focused on . I stood there holding on to him , I kept telling him " you look at me and listen to me . " He explained why he was after this man and I told him I understood . I kept trying to reason with him as to why this was not a good idea , Posted by Went down as usual to the park Sunday . There was a Blues Festival going on so the park was crowded . It was kind interesting to observe . Hundreds of people attending this festival and not more than a hundred yards away , there were at least a hundred people without homes . One of the men said the music was good . I asked him why he didn 't go over and enjoy the bands ? He said we were asked to leave , that people felt uncomfortable with us there . I about blew my top . Come on people , are we all not entitled to the same privileges as everyone else ? Just because someone has less than you , that doesn 't not make them less of a person . My question to you is " why did you feel uncomfortable , what was your heart really trying to tell you ? " I was able to get shoes to the woman who needs them . I did end up taking her and her boyfriend to the hospital after the park though . They had foot rot so bad it was infected and needed looked at . Was able to supply some needed clothing to some down there . Took care of Snakes phone bill so he would not end up back in jail ( needs it to keep in contact with his PO ) . He is trying so hard and everything keeps coming against him . Took him to one of his mandatory meetings tonight and on the way back home he just poured out his heart . I am praying he stays clean and out of trouble . His girlfriend just had a miscarriage , so if you can lift up a prayer for her . Each week when I go to the park , it seems like God teaches me something new or shows me something through these wonderful people . This week was no different . After my rounds through the park , I usually end up sitting and talking to a few people . This week the group I was engaged with showed me a lot . There were about seven to eight of us sitting there , a Vietnam vet , a former drug dealer , a couple of addicts , two older ladies , a transvestite and a few others . We sat and talked about life and issues they were facing , their hopes and dreams , we cracked jokes and had a good time . As I sat there , you begin to look past the outer layers and you Posted by I took one of the guys from the park to physical therapy today . I took a note pad and thought while I wait I will write a letter to a friend . I began to write and when it was all said and done , this is what was on the page . The Concrete JungleI awoke this morning to the sweet smell of fresh flowers and the beautiful songs of the birds . Were these songs just for me ? As the sun crept over the mountain and the rays of sunshine hit my face , is that you God , smiling upon me ? As I rolled up my bedding and packed it away in my pack , I emerged from my camp thinking today will be different . Today , as everyday I will enter the jungle , fighting to survive , searching for food , searching for a place to belong . I will walk the concrete jungle looking for hope . As I started my search , the young man in the business suit caught my eye . He looks familiar I thought . He rushed by in such a hurry , not once noticing me there . He carries warm coffee in one hand and breakfast in another . My stomach growls with hunger . I thought back to songbirds . I didn 't have one crumb to share with them this morning , yet they shared their beautiful songs with me . The sun beats down on my face and my feet begin to become weary from walking all day . I cannot stop for to long . I will be shoed away , told we can 't have your type just hanging around . Hey , there you are again . Still in a hurry I see , this time to meet with a friend for lunch . As you sit in the outdoor café , sharing lunch and laughing with your friend , you still don 't see me . Do you know that I would go without a morsel all day , if I could only share your company for a brief moment ? I to will have my lunch today as well . I will go around back and wait for what you have not eaten ; the only difference is I will be having mine alone . The day is drawing to an end . My back aches from carrying my pack and my feet ache from walking all day . You emerge from your office , rushing to get home to your wonderful wife and kids . She probably has dinner waiting for you . I will walk down to the mission tonPosted by July 13 , 2008 In the ParkLately I have had a few people who have asked if I would write each week and let them know what is happening in the park on Sunday 's . So , wonderful people I will try and blog , keeping you informed as to the happenings of the park and my friends without homes . This past Sunday , I over slept and was not able to make it to church , but it gave me an opportunity to go to the park early . I spent about five hours down there that day , mostly just sitting and talking . I met some new faces and got a chance to catch up with some old ones . I saw Snake ( Will ) gave him a butt chewing … LOL . I met Will about a month ago , he is in his early twenties , and the day I met him he was released from prison two days prior . I remember that day very well ; he talked my ear off and would walk away to see old friends , but always returned to talk some more . He is a beautiful sweet young man and something about him just tugs at my heart . I had not seen him in a few weeks and was beginning to wonder what happened to him . Then this Sunday he shows up , " Hi , ma how 's it going " he says and gives me a big hug ( he loves to be hugged ) . " What do you mean hi ma , how 's it going ? Where the heck have you been ? I have been worried about you , " I asked . To my excitement , Will has a job , has been to any support group he can make it too and has stayed clean . He gave me his cell number so we can keep in touch on weeks I don 't see him . I thank God for the work he is doing in this young mans life . If the Lord lays it on your heart please pray for him , he has a job but has fallen behind on his phone bill , if he doesn 't have his phone , he can 't contact his PO and that could land him back in jail . So , please pray that finances come thru for him . I also met two older ladies that I have not seen before . We sat and talked for hours . I really felt badly for these women . One had left her things in one of the shelters , was told that they would be safe there , when she returned all she owned was gone . She asked if I had any shoes , shPosted by This past week and a half , I have been really blessed by people with very loving and generous hearts . There are many times we give because we see or hear of a need . When we do give , we get to see one aspect or result of that giving , but we rarely get to see or experience how that giving has impacted other people . Being down in the park with my friends without homes , I get to see that impact of your giving . A little over a week ago Pam and her family came thru Boise on their way to Denver . It was late , people were tired , but Pam and her daughter Rose sat in my kitchen that night helping make sandwiches for the park . They did it with joy in their eyes and love in their hearts . They gave of themselves for those who do not have . Two loving women , who have become very special people in my life , asked if they could help with things for the park . These two beautiful women , Terrica and Dianna , took me to Costco and purchased , cases of bottled water , socks and chips . With what funds that were given to me , I was able to purchase lunch meat , bread and other things needed in the park . They gave not knowing what these precious gifts mean . My friends in the park are very special to me and I want to thank each of you for your wonderful gifts . You not only blessed me with your giving , but I would like to share with you how your gifts have blessed others , the part of the blessing you can 't see . For I was hungry , and you fed me . I was thirsty , and you gave me a drink . I was a stranger , and you invited me into your home . 36 I was naked , and you gave me clothing . I was sick , and you cared for me . I was in prison , and you visited me . ' Matthew 25 : 35 - 36I stood in Costco crying not just because of the generosity of these women , but as I looked at the cases of water , each bottle represented a person to me . A person who is sitting in the park , in the middle of summer with no place to go to get out of the heat and no funds to buy something to drink . Each bottle you gave will provide a parched mouth with a fresh drink and will let them knowPosted by I received an email the other day , from the Homeless Voice ( posted in my bulletins ) . This email really struck my heart and still tugs at it today . It was not just the email and it 's content , but a man I met in the park , my encounter with him and how the email and him are very much a like , yet so vastly different . In the email they spoke of Eddie a homeless man who had spent most of the last twelve years at this particular shelter . After a long stay in a hospital , Eddie 's prognosis is not good and will die soon . He was brought back to the shelter were he will spend his last days . The email stated : . Eddie will spend his final hours with me and Lois as well as all his friends at the shelter . It is a beautiful process to die with your friends at your side . Last night all his long - term friends who have known him for years have spent time with him . Tears and Tears and more tears were exchanged . I was pretty shocked in the middle of the night Eddie put his arms around my neck and gave me a kissThis made me think of the gentleman named Mountain Man that I met in the park a few weeks ago . I was about to get in my truck and leave when this man came running up to me . " Miss can I please have a pair of socks , I didn 't see you last week and mine are wore out ? " he said . " Of course you can have a pair of socks and take a few extra , but it will cost you a hug . " I said . He looked at me dumbfounded as to why would I want a hug from an old man who smells like whiskey and has not had a bath in a month . He gently leaned over and gave me a hug . I introduced my self and he to me . He told me how he pans for gold and likes to spend time in the mountains , hence the name " Mountain Man . " We spent sometime talking and then there was a storm rolling in and we both needed to go . Before leaving he explained that the only shelter from the storm was a tarp he had . He would find a place to hide and roll up in his tarp to try and stay dry . Before leaving he asked for another hug , I leaned over and this man held on so tight and sunk iPosted by Last week we had a conference at the church and even though some of us were busy doing things we would slip in and taken in a little of what was going on . On one of those nights , I poked my head in and the room was full of people wearing balloon hats and large amounts of balloons lined the walls ( compliments of some awesome young people , who I will tell you about in another blog ) . My first thoughts were anyone coming in off the street would think we have gone nuts . Then God spoke to me and asked what I thought he considered worship was and were do you find it ? Worship is defined as to love , admire , honor , glorify and show devotion to . Then I asked him to show me what he sees as worship . So , many thoughts began to flood my mind , to many to put down in words , but here are a few . A man once told me he likes to climb the highest mountain he could find . There he would shout praises to the Lord . There was no one around , just God and his beautiful creation . I had a friend in Florida who made clothing , Garment 's of Praise she called it . Nothing left her shop that she didn 't think would be acceptable to present to the Lord . On a recent trip to Portland , we stopped by The Bridge Church . You couldn 't miss the church ; you could hear the music two blocks away . When you walked in , you would have thought you walked into a nightclub . The music was hard and cut to your very soul . I sat there and cried , because it was worship that was true worship and there was such passion in it . During the conference I spent time with a lady Dianna and her husband Terry . Terry leads worship for our church and does this with much love . The thing that God showed me in these two is , Dianna shows her worship in dance . She dances for the Lord and her eyes just shine and she just glows with Gods light when she does dance . Terry doesn 't just show his love and worship of the Lord in his music , but it is embedded on his arms . He has some of the most beautiful tattoos on his arms and they glorify the Lord . Dianna 's aunt Lois made lunch for the speakePosted by I have been listening to some CD 's that a friend gave me . The person speaking used a term " Heart Affair with Jesus " . This stuck with me and the more I thought about it , the more I wanted to know what the two words Heart and Affair were defined as . So , I pulled out my dust dictionary and looked these two words up . They are defined as : AFFAIR - a procedure or action ; a romantic or passionate attachment of limited duration . HEART - Acts as a force to pump blood and maintain circulation ; the whole personality including intellectual as well as emotional functions or traits ; one 's intermost character or part ; vital center or driving force ; essential or most vital part of something . I looked at these definitions and thought , that 's what I want . I want a Heart Affair with Jesus . I want my personality , emotions , functions and traits to reflect Him . I want Him to be the most vital part of my life . The one who maintains and pumps life to the rest of my being . My driving force in life and my center were all life flows from . I want to have a passionate affair with my Jesus , the only difference is , I want this affair to last a lifetime . I have been thinking of recent comments people have made to me and I want to ask what god do you serve ? The Lord has laid it on my heart and has called me to serve those who have no homes . I do understand that we all have our own calling in life , something we have been called to do and are very passionate about . Just because my calling is not the same as yours , does not make these people any less in the eyes of God . Because I have a deep passion for the people I am trying to serve , I get very ticked off at some of the comments I hear from a hand full of my fellow Christians . Now , it is my turn and this is to that hand full . When you tell me " bring them to church and then we will accept them " - I want to know why you will only accept them once they enter your doors and most of all why aren 't you out in the community accepting them right where they are ? Where were you when you first encountered God ? When you tell me " once you get them to church , we will change them " - What will you do clean them up , put a new pair of clothes on them and then send them out the door again . You can 't change them on your own . God through you can . If you show them the same love that the Lord has shown us then yes , hearts and lives will be changed . Don 't just change the outside to make them presentable to your congregation . Show your congregation how unconditional love can transform a person 's life . Show them God 's love . When you tell me " I don 't know how to deal with these people " - Well how do you deal with a new friend ? You meet them , you talk to them , you care about them , you spend time with them and you show them they are loved . The one comment that just gets my goat is " I have no use for these people " - I won 't even comment on what goes through my mind when I hear that one . I wouldn 't be pretty . I hear these comments and I am so grateful that we serve a God that did not accept us on the same basis that we accept those in our own lives . Jesus could have sat in a building waiting for people to coMosaic Street
I knew in trying to keep the previous post short ( although it didn 't end up short ) I would leave something out . I did think about this part , but then didn 't get it in there . While Abbie was fixing Thanksgiving dinner and we were on our way to Children 's my parents were on their way to our house to help out with the kids . They came up and stayed until Sunday . They brought Michael , Grace and Lydia to the hospital on Friday to see Levi and us . They also bought Michael an oreo ice cream cake from Culver 's for his birthday since I wasn 't able to make him one . Thanks mom and dad for helping out ! And just so I don 't get a message from the other grandparents . . . . . Paul 's parents were able to stop by the hospital on Friday on their way home from MI . Then they and Abbie came to the house on Saturday to celebrate Michael 's birthday . They each provided something for supper . : - ) ( Sorry dad , I left you out ) . : - ) Baby Levi at birthSo , it has been two weeks and I am finally getting on here to post about the arrival of our 4th child . One of these days maybe I will get on a schedule so I can keep updated on here . . . . . but don 't hold your breath for it ! LOLI am going to try to make a long story short since I don 't want to sit here forever writing it all out and I don 't want you to have to sit so long and read . : - ) I had been having contractions for the last few months of my pregnancy . Nothing to be concerned about , but wondered if it would mean a shorter labor and maybe earlier . I guess I was hoping , but didn 't really think it would happen . Well , there were days that I felt like I was " nesting " but I kept telling myself ( and my mom kept telling me ) that it was too early . But , the day before Thanksgiving I started showing other signs that I was maybe going into labor and it seemed that my contractions were getting stronger . They weren 't really close together or stopping me so I didn 't really think it was early labor . I did call my midwife though to let her know what was going on ( especially since she was going to be leaving that day to go to MI for Thanksgiving ) . We talked and she said she was going to believe I wasn 't going into labor and was going to go ahead to MI . I also knew that Carole had already left for MI for Thanksgiving and I did think about calling her to tell her I was showing signs of early labor . But , I knew if I called her she would try to talk Wayne into turning around and coming back . I didn 't want her to do that because I would rather she go on to MI and I have the baby than have her come back and then I not have the baby . So , even when she texted me at nap time I didn 't reply ( not really intentionally but I didn 't right away because I didn 't want her to know and then I forgot ) . : - ) So , I did lay on the couch most of the day or in bed . . . . the midwife told me she wasn 't putting me on bed rest , but wanted me to lay down as much as possible . Later that evening I went to soak in the tub . In the other 3 labors any tPosted by We are once again considering using cloth diapers . When we look at the cost of disposables we just hate the number . So , if we can get together some money we are going to be buying Fuzzi Bunz again ! I found a great web site today and they have a couple stores here in Wisconsin . They are both about 1 1 / 2 hours away , but may be worth going to one day just because I want to go to an actual store ! : - ) If you cloth diaper or are interested in cloth diapering go check out www . nickisdiapers . com . So , the other day Paul brought this story home to me . I am wondering if he realizes this is how I 've been feeling ! LOL Of course , he knows ! ! ! But , this is also why I soak in the tub after the kids are in bed . But , I really needed this to show me how often I act like my 2 , 3 and 4 year olds and that I 'm not alone ( meaning I 'm not the only mom that deals with this ) . : - ) I read this again this morning after Paul left for work . I had heard the kids asking him this morning if he was going to church by himself or if we were all going . He told them that he was going alone this morning and that we would all go later . I laid in bed listening to that and was a little jealous that he gets to go to the church to be alone and have quiet time . Oh well , I 'm sure there HAS to be times that he is jealous that I get to stay home with all the noise ! LOL Alone Time for Mom by Crystal Kirgiss All I needed this morning was a half - hour alone , thirty minutes of peace and quiet to help preserve my sanity . No mom - do - this , mom - I - need - that , mom - he - hit - me , mom - I - spilled - the - juice - on - the - couch . Just me , a hot Calgon bath , and nothingness . I shouldn 't dream so big . After getting the two oldest off to school , I settled the youngest in front of Barney and said , " Honey , listen closely . Your mommy is going to crack . She 's losing her marbles . She 's teetering on the edge of permanent personality damage . This is because she has children . Are you following me so far ? " He nodded absently while singing , " Barney is a dinosaur in our imagination . . . . " " Good . Now , if you want to be a good little boy , you 'll sit right here and watch Barney while Mommy takes a nice , hot , quiet , peaceful , take - me - away bath . I don 't want you to bother me . I want you to leave me alone . For 30 minutes , I don 't want to see you or hear you . Got it ? Nod . " Good morning boys and girls . . . . " I hear the purple wonder say . I headed for the bathroom with my fingers crossed . I watched the water fill the tub . I watched the mirror and window steam up . I watched the water turn blPosted by Wow . . . . here I keep thinking I 'm going to get back into blogging on a regular basis . Where does the time go ? ! Ok , so the big news . . . . . . Carleta and Danny are adopting twin boys ! ! ! ! ! ! They are due around December 17 ( I 'm due the 18th ) . Since they are twins we are thinking they will be coming any time . Last weekend the girls and I went down to my parents ' house so we could go to the baby shower . We had such a great time . It was fun seeing all the gifts she got and all the support and encouragement she is getting . It was even more fun to go over to their house Sunday night to look at everything closer and be able to help her decide what else she needs . I love that she is asking me for advice ! : - ) We can 't wait for Carson & Carter to arrive ! ! ! Unfortunately , no matter when they are born I won 't get to see them till Christmas ( unless they make a trip up here ! ) . ; - ) It is going to be a wild Christmas though with 3 new babies and 3 older kids ! Watch out grandma and grandpa cause here they come ! ! ! LOLToday Paul put Lydia in the toddler bed for nap time . It is the first time she is in it . So far so good . We 'll see how well she sleeps though . She has also started going potty on the big potty some . We 're not really pushing it , but she loves doing it . They are all just growing up so fast . Michael already has another tooth coming in so he has 2 loose ones now . Grace is becoming such a " mommy " . I am hoping she is going to be a big help with the new baby . . . . but first we have to take care of this attitude problem ! : - / The people at the church have been so welcoming and accepting . We now have two freezers full of food ! ! ! It so awesome how they take care of us ! We have started doing a family meal time and a kids ' group on Wednesday nights . We are seeing more people coming for it . The ladies have been so great to me ! They gave me a gift certificate for Blessings Unlimited ( I may have mentioned that before . . . I can 't remember ) . I finally placed my order and it arrived on the weekend while I was gone . I didn 't even get a chance to open iPosted by So , I promised to write about our journey to Elkhorn , but in thinking more about it the journey has been longer than just a few months . When Paul and I got married 7 years ago ( or 86 months ago ) if you would have asked me if I thought I would ever be a Pastor 's wife or living back in the Midwest . . . I would have answered no to both questions . I thought when we moved to PA that was the last time I would be living " close " to our parents . And since Paul always told me he didn 't want to be a pastor I had no trouble saying no to that question . If you would have also asked me how many kids I would have by now ( or on the way ) I don 't think I would have told you 3 kids with one on the way . I am so thankful that God 's plans are not always revealed to us right away ! : - ) I am so blessed to have a wonderful , loving , Godly husband and three wonderful kids ( with another wonderful one on the way ) ! It is so neat to look back on the last 7 years and see how God has been preparing us for the next step each time . And He was even preparing us for this step starting back then . When we moved to NM we had a goal in mind . . . . to pay down debt so we could go to the mission field and not have the debt holding us back . Our goal was to pay off everything except a car payment and my 2 student loans since we knew that it would be a long time before getting all those paid off . After 4 years in NM we were able to pay down all the debt except a car loan and the 2 student loans ! This was also with adding 2 more kids ! Then God called us to move to WI where we are now able to do more because of the debt we paid off ! We are not on a foreign mission field ( although maybe foreign to some ) but we are on a mission field in Elkhorn , WI ! We are also where God wants us to be . The last couple years have been very interesting . I tell people that I knew before Paul that he was going to be a pastor , but I really think that is true ( whether or not I really believed it ) . No , I didn 't have a dream or vision , but I just saw the way God was working in his life and justPosted by Ok , so I keep getting bugged by some people that I need to update my blog . . . I 'm not mentioning any names though ( M . B . ) : - ) I have just been so busy that I 've not thought I 've had time to sit down and update all that is going on . So , I am going to try to do an overview right now and then hopefully get going with it again . I was looking at my blog today to see how long it had been and realized it had been a lot longer than I thought ! So , first off I 'm sure all of you know , but I am 26 1 / 2 weeks pregnant with # 4 ! I am due around December 15 . Everything has been pretty normal again with this pregnancy , but just a couple added little " problems " . At the moment I am trying to find a new midwife . . . more about that in the next update . The kids are excited ! Michael thinks it will be a boy , Grace thinks it will be a girl . . . Lydia just knows where to pat my tummy when asked " where is mommy 's baby ? " . Michael and Grace also think there are 2 in there , but I try to tell them mommy isn 't big enough for 2 and we have only heard one heartbeat ! LOLNext , update . . . . . 3 weeks ago today we arrived in Elkhorn , WI ! ! This summer when we came out to IL and WI for vacation Paul had been asked to preach at a church here just to fill in . They were without a Pastor and just needed someone to fill the pulpit . It worked out that he was able to do it on July 3 ( our anniversary ) . So , after the morning service ( they don 't have an evening service ) we headed back down to my parents ' house . We were about 2 hours away and he got a phone call from one of the guys on the pulpit committee . He wanted to know if Paul could meet with some of the pulpit committee that Tuesday . So , on Tuesday Paul drove up to Rockford and met some of the people for an interview . He also lined up to preach again in a couple weeks , just to fill in again . Before that Sunday arrived they called and asked if he would consider being a candidate for the pastoral position . He said yes so that Sunday he was actually candidating ( is that even a word ? ) and not just filling in . Because of thePosted by Sorry for all the posts today . I knew there was something else I wanted to post , but couldn 't think of it at the time . Last night while I wasn 't sleeping good anyway . . . . . I heard an alarm going off at 12 : 30 am , but it wasn 't ours . It dawned on me then that it was Michael and Grace 's clock . So , I went in and hit the snooze then was trying to figure out in the dark how to shut it off . I thought it was funny that neither of them stirred the whole time until I started to walk out and then Michael stirred a little . I guess I will have to teach them to wake up to an alarm ( when that time comes ) . This morning Lydia got to experience having milk in her cereal . She really enjoyed it . Not only eating it , but just seeing it in there . We had one little mess ( and that was after 4 bowls of cereal ! ) so I would say she did a pretty good job ! She is more of a juice drinker so I guess this will be a way to get some milk in her too . So , as I 've said before I go in to check on Michael and Grace when I go to bed . On Tuesday night when I went in to check on them I found Michael in bed with his boots on ! I guess he really wanted to wear them or maybe his feet were cold and that 's all he could find to keep them warm ! I 'm not sure , but I forgot to ask him when he got up the next morning if he still had them on . It 's the little things that make our kids happy . : - ) Last night Paul and I had to be at the church for a meeting . So , Ashley came over to babysit . When we got home I took Ashley home and Paul put the kids to bed . Later we were sitting on the couch and he moved something and found Grace 's blankie . He said " oh that 's why we couldn 't find it " . So , when I went to bed I took it in and laid it beside her ( I always go in and check on them anyway ) . So , this morning at 6 : 15 she come running in to daddy 's side of the bed and says " Daddy , here 's my blankie " . It was so cute . She was so excited it was there with her when she woke up . : - ) We have Michael sit with us in church now on Sunday and Wednesday nights . Paul is teaching on Wednesday nights . Michael was coloring and drawing through the whole service and acting like he wasn 't really paying attention . This morning we realized he had heard at least one story ! Paul told a story about spilling coffee at school one day . We had to take Paul to school this morning and in the van on the way , Michael says to Paul " Daddy , you have to be careful with your coffee today and don 't spill it " . So , just another time that we realize he does hear what we say even if he doesn 't always act like it . : - ) I was informed I forgot to tell that it was Grandma Welch that taught them to walk like a duck . Unfortunately , we didn 't get that on video ! LOL She says Grace needs a little more work though . HAHA ! Here is a video of Michael and Grace walking like ducks . We had gone to the park to feed the ducks so they decided to be like the ducks . I 'm not sure if they thought the ducks would think they were one of them so they would come closer . : - ) We try to set aside money each month to have a family fun night . Basically we get to go out to eat once a month with the money . Of course , we don 't always stick to just going out just that one time , but we are trying to do better . Anyway , last night we decided to get out of the house and go eat supper at Carl 's Jr . This way the kids could play and we could talk and relax . Well , we get to Carl 's Jr and go to order and the lady starts to take the order and then says " by the way , our kids area is closed " . So we left . The kids were upset , but we told them we were going to go find another place that they could play . It was too windy to go get something and go to the park . So , we tried Burger King . We hadn 't been to this one so we didn 't know if they even had a play place . We figured if nothing else we would go to McDonald 's . But , we got to Burger King and THEY HAVE A PLAY PLACE ! ! ! And it was open ! ! ! There were a couple other kids , but by the time we got our food and the kids ate some it was just us . It was really a nice and relaxing time . I was so glad the lady at Carl 's Jr told us about the kids area before we placed our order . Now , I have a new place to meet our friends too ! So , I happen to just be sitting at the computer and this picture flashed up on the screen ( we have all our pictures randomly doing a slide show for our screen saver ) . I thought " What a handsome man ? ! " So , I just wanted to share it with you all . : - ) This was the day after Christmas and he was wearing his new shirt from my parents so I was getting a picture for them . I know it looks like he doesn 't have any hair in this picture , but you should see him now . . . . . . it 's completely shaved . I know it 's hard for him to keep it that way , but I really like it . Ok so enough of my rambling about my HOT husband ! ! : - ) Ok , so I started reading this book " Lord , Change My Attitude ( before it 's too late ) " . I knew I needed a change , but I thought it was going to be a struggle . Ok , so some things are , but there are times where I see God is changing my attitude and it 's not been a struggle . But , it 's so cool to look at the situation and know that 's not how I would have reacted before and can just say " Thank you , God ! " . There have been a couple things just today that I have realized my reaction is very different than it would have been a couple weeks ago . Thank you , God for working in my life ! So , far things are going good . I have everything ready except the bread . Ok , well not ready as in done , but ready as in the chicken is in the crock pot , the lasagna and coffee cake are in the fridge and will go in the oven later today . I got up early this morning and went to Wal - Mart to get a chicken before Paul went to school . I was out of the house by 6 : 30 ! Then I had a return so I had to wait till 7 for Customer Service to open . I was at the checkout just a few minutes before 7 . The lady that had the keys all night had already handed her keys off or she would have done it for me ( even though it wasn 't 7 ) . So , I had to wait till 7 ( or a couple minutes after ) for the guy to come up to help me . It was ok . I was early . . . . it wasn 't their fault . And I had time . See reading that book last night helped my attitude ! LOL So , then I came home and got the chicken started , gave the kids a donut and then we took Paul to school . Then I headed over to get the gas tank for the grill filled . Then came back home and got busy . I am going to spend some time with the kids then work on the bread later . Oh , by the way . . . . . . did you know the world is awake at 6 : 30 am ? ! LOL It 's been so long since I 've been out at that time . Have you ever had one of those days where it seems no matter what you do it doesn 't turn out right ? Well , today was one of those days . Of course , it had to be the day I was working on cooking stuff for Bill ( see http : / / wifeandmommyhobby . blogspot . com if you don 't know what I 'm talking about ) . I 'm trying to even think of where it all began . I guess most of the day seemed fine , but then it was all this evening . The lasagna I had frozen a couple weeks ago I pulled out about 3 : 30 to fix for supper tonight . I thought " sure it 's frozen , but that just means it will take a little longer " . It was one I had made with home made noodles ( which we 've not been too crazy about yet because I can 't get them thin enough ) . I also made a loaf of French bread and made it into garlic bread to try out . I am supposed to make it for Bill too . He wants it really garliky so I thought I would try tonight and see how it turned out . Well , the way I did it didn 't really work too well and wasn 't even very garliky at all . So , hopefully what I make tomorrow will be better . Then the lasagna wasn 't fully cooked or the noodles don 't like to be frozen already mixed in the lasagna . I don 't know , but Paul ate one end piece and I think thought it was ok . Then he had another piece ( closer to the middle ) and said the noodles weren 't done or something . Oh yea , guess I should back up a little bit . . . . . . after I already had the lasagna in the oven I had to leave to go pick up Paul . On the way home he starts telling me stuff about school and of course I don 't understand and just get upset because to me it 's not the way it should be and someone needs to step up and tell the school they should change the way they think . . . . . . are they there for academics or athletics ! Ok , I 'm off my high horse now . But , anyway this of course put me in a foul mood , then the lasagna wasn 't good . Then I thought since I was making all this food for Bill I didn 't want Paul to think I had forgotten about him so I made him a German chocolate cake ( from a mix I had in the cabinet ) . Of coursPosted by Yesterday , I finally went out to try to clean out the van . I didn 't think I would get it all done before nap time was over , but I was just getting to the driver side when Grace came out . So , I was able to get it all done . I 'm talking taking all the kids ' car seats out and all the van seats . I vacummed and used armor all . I should have taken a picture of it before I started , but I would have been embarrased to show them ! So , here are some pictures of the finished product . Oh , and once Michael was up Lydia was still sleeping so we were able to go out and at least get the top layer of grub off of it . Michael and Grace were great helpers in washing it ! Oh , and I realized how bad our floor mats were so I bought new ones last . I only bought the cheap plastic ones instead of carpet ones , but they came in a set of 4 so now Michael and Grace have one too ! We 'll see if we can keep it this way for a while . . . . . at least till mom gets here in a couple weeks ! Ok , so last night Paul had parent / teacher conferences at the school as was going to be there at least till 7 : 30 . I decided the kids needed to get out of the house . Grace went with me to Sam 's Wednesday night , but the other 2 hadn 't been out for at least over a week . So , after supper we went to Wal - Mart . They did really well through the whole store , but then we had to wait in line for about 30 - 45 minutes . The people in front of us were having problems . Anyway , there was a couple behind us with a little boy that was 5 . So , he and Michael became pretty quick friends . Ok , wait I have to back up a minute . . . . . I was buying a new rolling pin to make it easier to roll out pizza crust and noodles , which I told the kids as I picked it up since Michael asked why I needed another one . I still like my Pampered Chef one for pie crust and smaller things , but I thought it would be nice to have a bigger one for the bigger things ( and maybe to use over Paul 's head every once in a while ! . . . . hahaha ! ! ) . So , as we 're standing in line the little boy behind us picked up a frozen lunch that was a pizza . He said something to Michael about having pizza . As quick as the boy said it Michael came right back with " we make our own pizzas " ! I was a little embarrased thinking I was teaching him to have an attitude like " look what we can do " , but then I realized quickly he was just being matter - of - fact and he was only saying what I had told him . It also helped that the mom 's reply was " oh , I bet that 's even better " . So , then a few minutes later the kid picks up another frozen lunch that had macaronni and cheese and says " see we have noodles too " . I was thinking " oh great , here it comes " , but Michael didn 't say it . Then as soon as I 'm done thinking it he says " we make our own noodles " ! ! ! I was trying not to laugh . He was being so cute and matter of fact ! I just thought it was funny . They obviously know you can buy pizza at the store , but we had had the conversation a couple times in just the past couple days about making our own . And I know the noodPosted by I wish I knew what causes bad dreams . It seems common lately that Michael has bad dreams during nap time and every once in a while at night . I hate it that he has them and then he can 't tell me about them . He gets so scared . Sometimes he will mumble something about his dreams , but I can never figure out what 's really happened . I just try to comfort him and help him go back to sleep . Of course , I would love to find a way to help him not have these dreams , but I guess for now I have to settle for helping him deal with them . So , again we have had sickness this week and it 's not going away for a couple weeks we 're told . Lydia was tested for RSV and it came back positive . So , according to the 2 doctors we had to see they both say Grace probably has it too because her symptoms are the same . They also both have ear infections . I am home again today with all 3 plus our pastor 's daughter ( who has the same thing ) . We had a friend bring us chicken noodle soup , bread , cookies and a cheese danish yesterday . Paul heated up the danish this morning along with French Toast . Michael had a piece of danish and Grace wanted some . He says " here you can have some of my drainage . . . . I don 't want it all " . Paul and I started laughing . We did correct him after we stopped laughing . It was so sweet that he wanted to share some of his food . It was also sweet that he thought he would share some drainage along with it ! LOL Today was a day of trying ( starting ) new things . First , I went for a walk around the park down the street from us . It has a sidewalk all around it and is in a square . I walked around 5 times ! I was going to try running , but I just couldn 't get myself to do it . I figure I will hopefully go walk for a few days then try the running . It also helped that my husband bought me an MP3 player for a Not - A - Valentine 's - Day gift . I now have something to listen to while I 'm walking . I also listen to it all day long ! I just keep one ear bud in so I can also hear the kids . Then , I came home and was thinking about how to keep better track of our finances . I looked on our bank 's web site and realized they can set up a budget on there , but I couldn 't customize it for us . So , I found a program on our computer that I could download . Since we don 't use Windows I 'm not able to use Quick Books or at least I don 't think I can . Anyway , we had a few free ones we could download so I tried different ones and finally decided on the one . Since we just changed banks at the beginning of January it made it really easy to get it all set up . Now , I have a budget set up , can see reports and everything ! I am going to really like this ! ! Now , I 'm at home instead of at church . My little girl , Grace , has a 102 . 6 temperature . She 's been coughing , but we thought it was just from her being sick before and the cough wasn 't going away . The lady that was in the nursery this morning asked if she was getting sick again because she sounded congested . So , when we got home she wasn 't wanting to eat and her eyes looked " funny " . So , Paul took her temperature and it was 100 . 8 then . He gave her medicine and put her down for a nap . When she got up she was acting fine and ate something , but then she was sitting on Paul and he said she was burning up . Before he left for church I took her temperature again ( I had to make sure I used the thermometer right . . . . we got a new one for FREE . . . I 'll tell you about that in a minute ) . That 's when it was 102 . 6 . Now , she is laying on thePosted by Ok , so no I 'm not thinking I have a real ghost in my kitchen so don 't get spooked out ! : - ) I was in the kitchen this morning trying to get the dishes done . Honestly , there weren 't that many there ( for once ) , but it took me FOREVER to get them done . The kids were off playing in Lydia 's room . I could hear them through the monitor and I was enjoying listening to them playing well together and wasn 't worried about them being " too quiet " . I realized a few minutes later I should have been listening for each one and realized one WAS being " too quiet " . I heard Lydia coming so I turned around to see her and she was covered from head to toe in white ( powder , that is ) . So , I went to the room and found Michael playing in the toy box upside down ( the toy box , not him . . . . he likes to pretend it is a shell ) . So , I took it off and quickly inspected him . He didn 't have much on him . . . just a dusting really . I asked if he got the powder down and he said no . I believed him since he didn 't have it and didn 't have much on him . So , then I look over and sitting behind the rocking chair , in the corner , is Grace with the now empty bottle of baby powder . She is also covered head to toe and is sitting in a " puddle " of it . Now , this isn 't the first time they have gotten into the powder . . . . it 's actually the third ! And I know you are thinking " boy you 'd think the parents would finally learn to put the powder up out of reach " . Well , for those of you thinking that I just want you to know . . . . . the powder was on the shelf above Lydia 's changing table / dresser . It is high enough that when I am changing her I have to reach up to get it . When you have a climber you can 't get ANYTHING high enough out of reach ! And I also have to add this wasn 't the first . . . . or last . . . . . thing Grace was into this morning . Before Paul even left she was in the bathroom cabinet trying to get her hair things . Then later , while I was still trying to finish the dishes , she went back in my bathroom and got the new bottle of conditioner out of the shower and had it all over her armPosted by I haven 't really had a direction with this blog other than to talk about what 's going on with us . I have decided to start a separate blog to keep up with all the " hobbies " I am doing . Maybe one day it will become big and I will have lots of followers and customers ! LOL Anyway , it 's up and running , but there are no posts on it yet . It is http : / / wifeandmommyhobby . blogspot . com . I will keep this one for the updates on the family and the other one for all the hobbies . So , please check them both out . Again , if you would like to receive e - mails when I update them just send me a comment . Oh , I am realizing I 'm not missing the time spent on Facebook , but I told Paul I feel like I am missing adult interaction . I would at least get feedback on there from my comments and I 've not had any feedback on here since I quit Facebook . So , please comment so I know you 're out there ! LOL We went to try Carl 's Jr again tonight . They were open , but the chairs were on the tables in the play place and there was a fan in there so we guessed it wasn 't open . So , we took our chances and drove down to McDonald 's . Glad we did . They were open and it was warm ! There were quite a few kids there too so they kids had fun . I had to laugh though . . . . . I asked Paul what parents did before cell phones . As you look around the play place area almost half ( if not more ) of the parents are busy talking or doing something on their cell phones . He said , " I guess they used to visit with the other parents " . : - ) It did make me think though . . . . . . is technology partly to blame for our lack of reaching out to others ? hhmmmmm . . . . . . . Sorry , the pictures are in reverse order , but here are some pictures of Paul , Michael and Grace 's snow day at the park . Grace was not happy about the cold . Michael had a blast and was upset they had to come home . Here is one of Michael at the park and then 2 of them before they left . You can see Grace was already cold before they left and she had only been outside a couple minutes . Posted by Well , after being stuck in the house yesterday we decided last night ( after finding out Paul would be home again today ) that we would go to Carl 's Jr today so the kids could play somewhere , but be inside . So , about 9 : 30 this morning we ventured out to Carl 's Jr . I should mention here that we are the worst parents in the world ( and yes , I 'm admitting this ) . . . . . . we got in the van and it was only 2 degrees . . . . I looked at Paul and said " we are awful parents . . . . . it is 2 degrees and we only put jackets on our kids ! So , anyway we get to Carl 's Jr and there are no cars in the parking lot and there is a sign on the door . We pull up to the door and it says they are closed till 11 : 30 because of the heater . Fine . We 'll go to McDonald 's . I drop Paul , Michael and Grace off at McDonald 's and drive over to deliver our rent check . As I am getting ready to leave the property management office Paul calls and says the play place at McDonald 's is closed . So , I went to pick him up and try a different McDonald 's . We pull in to the other McDonald 's and he goes in to check . Comes back out shaking his head . So we drive back over by the other McDonald 's to see if Gym Magic is open . . . . . nope . So , we look at Burger King . . . . no play place . Turn around . . . . go to mall . Barnes and Nobles has a train table & coffee ! ! Get there . . . . . mall is only open for walkers . The stores will open at noon ! At this point I 'm saying " give me a break . . . . . . it 's fine today ! " . So , we gave up and went to Wal - Mart to get a couple things and got a large fry at the McDonald 's there just to occupy the kids while we shopped . Then we came home and ate lunch and they took naps . We really wanted to do something fun though so we decided to see what movies were playing . We ended up having to wake up the girls from their naps so we could leave , but it was worth it ! We took Lydia to a sitter and then took Michael and Grace to see " Tangled " . Michael had gone to the theater with a friend of ours a while back to see " Toy Story 3 " , but Grace had never been . We weren 't sure how she was goPosted by Well , like I promised . . . . here are some pictures of our snow day . It 's too bad we didn 't have the camera with us today to get a picture of the mountains . They were beautiful ! Posted by Ok , so it 's not as bad as it sounds ( that is if you know the context ) . . . . . . . . . . So , let 's start with the context . . . . . . In Sunday School this last Sunday ( I teach the nursery kids ) we talked about David and Goliath . So , we talked about how David put 5 stones in his bag and then used 1 stone to kill Goliath . So , tonight Michael and Grace are running around with Daddy 's stocking cap and Michael starting pretending it was a bag for stones and he was David . Then a few minutes later they came running in the living room and Grace had it and was pretending the same thing . Then she says to Michael . . . . . . . . " here , you can be the stoner " . LOL Oh the things they come up with ! I will try to post pictures from the snow today and Paul and the kids at the park . It didn 't turn out the way he thought it would . Now , off for coffee and Texas sheet cake , making some bookmarks and a movie or two with my husband . Praying that the kids all sleep good tonight . Grace went to bed with a 100 . 2 fever . : - ( Oh , SCHOOL IS ALREADY CANCELED FOR TOMORROW ! ! ! ! ! Ok , so for those of you that receive an e - mail every time I post will hopefully be getting more now . I just deactivated my account with Facebook ! I realized I was spending too much time on there reading what everyone else was doing and I wasn 't getting things done myself . So , I deactivated my account and I am going to work harder on updating my blog . But , with that said . . . . I am also going to be trying to cut down my total time on the computer . So , you may get a lot of e - mails at first , but it will probably taper off . Plus , if I realize I am posting more in one day ( like today ) then I will start saving them and not publishing them till the end of the day . If you don 't receive my updates by e - mail and would like to , please send me a comment or e - mail with your e - mail address and I will add you on . So , instead of posting a separate post I will just add this here . . . . . . Paul , Michael and Grace just headed down to the park a little bit ago . They looked so cute all bundled up . : - ) Hopefully they will stay warm enough . I promised hot chocolate / hot coffee and fresh baked cookies when they get back . Lydia and I didn 't go because Lydia won 't wear shoes ! Plus , she was getting tired and I figured I would just be holding her and fighting with her the whole time ( because she would want down ) so we stayed here . Oh , I did think about layering her up and then putting a footed sleeper on her , but then I realized we didn 't have another pair of gloves and the coat we have would be very big so I would need another hat . . . . . . so it was just easier to stay here . Ok , so off to make those cookies ! I was just told that Santa Claus is coming to bring us more presents . I guess since it snowed the kids think it 's time for Santa Claus to come now ! LOLWe are on our 4th year here in Las Cruces and this is the first time school has been canceled for snow ! It is still coming down ! I guess after breakfast I will have to find those coats for the kids . Too bad Lydia doesn 't have shoes so I guess she and I will have to stay in the house ! : - ) Well , it is February 1st and we are getting snow . Who woulda thunk it ? ( Sorry , had to use that hick language . . . . . now I realize thunk is actually a word . . . . it didn 't pick it up as needing to be spelled right ) . HaHa . . . . ok to move on . . . . . Paul and I walked outside tonight a little before 6 pm and it was just starting to snow . By the time we got done with a meeting at church just before 8 it was already sticking to the car and roads . A little while after the babysitter left Paul looked out and couldn 't even tell where her car had been . It is still coming down ! The kids were so excited they wanted to go out tonight and play in it . So , the babysitter brought them a hand full as she was leaving . They both ate it and then laughed when I told them their lips were cold when they kissed me goodnight . It is not supposed to get to even the freezing mark over night or tomorrow so maybe it will still be around and they can go play in it . I guess I will have to find their coats , hats and gloves ! That is something I 'm not used to looking for . They think gloves are just for playing with and since we kept telling them they didn 't need a jacket because they had long sleeves on they think they don 't need one now ( and it doesn 't help that I keep forgetting that it is cold and have them put them on ) . We 're watching the news now and it is supposed to be back in the 60 's by Sunday ! But , now they are showing pictures in El Paso and the cars are sitting still or driving slow on ice . They said they had ALL 14 trucks ready to go out to spread salt and sand in El Paso . . . . . 14 trucks for the whole El Paso area ! HaHa ! The public schools have already delayed school 2 hours tomorrow , but there 's nothing on MVCS web site yet about Paul 's school . If the snow is still around I will try to get some pictures tomorrow and post them . So , it 's the 14th of the new year and this is the first post . So much has happened in the last few weeks , but since I didn 't write it down right away I know there is no way I will remember everything . We did have a good Christmas ( even though it was quiet compared to what we 've been used to ) and we had tons of food ! Jeffe and Kailani came over for a little bit . Then the next day Paul and I started to feel sick . Unfortunately , all 5 of us had to get it and it took me the longest to get over it ! It was not a good New Year 's since we couldn 't really " celebrate " . But , I guess it made us stay home and not go spend money so it worked out ! LOL Well , I really just wanted to post something in the new year , but I really don 't have time to sit and write right now , so I will have to try to do it again later . I am a child of God and Paul and Marilyn . I am a wife of Paul for 10 years . I am also a mother of 4 little ones . Paul has been the pastor at our church for 3 years . These are just some thoughts I have and want to record .
Ah , well , no matter . Come . Sit down . In the opposite chair across from mine by the fireplace . Oh no , by all means , make yourself comfortable . Can I get you anything ? Pillow perhaps ? Well , you seem puzzled , so I 'll get to the point . Basically , this will be the blank canvas ( and topic ) that will get you on track to start your own fairy tale story concerning the Fables universe , and , you may as well ask : " Story , you say ? What makes you think I would want to create a story ? " Well , stranger , that is a question I cannot answer , as it is up to you to fulfill your destiny . To create a Fable that best describes you and how they blend in with the Fabletown community . Anyways , be creative ! And you are more than welcome to draw a picture of your custom Fable if you 'd really like ! You are my guest after all , in this spacious manor . P . S . - Newcomers and veterans to the Fables series are welcome to post in this topic too ! Or if you are a stranger to the comics but love the game ! Don 't forget to use your creative juices , the lot of you ! Appreciation Speech : This is for everyone who has contributed to this topic , new , old , heck , even future storytellers that are inspired by this thread ! A tall pale man with slender features , Manny touched the scar over his cheek , he had retained this mark even through the magic of the glamour after being struck by the magical blade of one of the knights of the round table in the old lands . He did not remember much of the old world but the day Sir Lancelot had entered his domain and managed to strike him was still fresh in his memory . " That f - fucking bastard " . The cheap glamour the crooked man had supplied him also left his human form with a frustrating stutter that Manny was unable to overcome . Manny raised his head and stretched his long arms and surveyed his apartment yet again , it was almost pitch black in the room but Manny had no problem seeing the world in the dark . He had lived in the darkness for hundreds of years and was still where he felt most comfortable . Mannys apartment was bare save a small tv in front of his chair and a fridge in the corner of the room . There was an empty shelf which had once been adorned with the trophies of his time in the woodlands . The helm of Lancelot had once sat upon the shelf , along with the bow of Robin Hood . Robin had been easy prey , his minstrels had alerted Mandible to their presence and he had descended on them and cacooned them before they had a chance to fight back . When he first arrived in his apartment that the crooked man had assigned him in Fabletown , Manny had adorned his walls with the golden armor of Midas ' footsoldiers who had sought out the spider king and met their end . It wasn 't long before the crooked man began claiming his treasures as his own , insisting that they were not safe here and would attract unnecessary attention to him . Even his most prized trophy of Lancelot had been taken from him , and now he sat here in the dark empty room . Rage filling him , his legacy had been torn away from him . " This t - town will be mine " he muttered to himself " and I s - shall fill hundreds of r - rooms with the tokens and t - trinkets of all who have wronged me . . . and even t - those who havn 't " . As Manny sat deep in thought his concentration was broken by a knock at the door . Manny stood and slinked over to the door , it was late , who could possibly be here ? He peered through the keyhole and saw nothing in the darkness outside . Manny unlocked the door and swung it open , there was nobody there but at his feet was a package addressed to him . Manny was overcome by the sweet smell of fresh flesh , he picked up the package and slammed the door behind him . Sitting the package on the floor he examined the outside , it was blank , no sign of who had sent it . He carefully opened it and was most pleased with what he found , the white fleshy arm of a giant or a troll or maybe a mixture of both . Who it belonged to didn 't matter , it had been a long time since he had feasted on fable meat . He lifted the arm out of the box and saw a small note stuck to the inside of the box . So the crooked man required his assistance once more , it had been several years since he was last summoned . Manny had no interest in serving the crooked man , but this seemed like a perfect opportunity to enact his revenge . He did not have much time , Manny did not know where the crooked man 's hideout was , and this was the only opportunity he would get to go face to face with him for who knows how many years . He would have his vengeance , he would rule once more , but first he would feast on this small token from the crooked man . Manny removed his glamour , he started sprouting long black hair all over his body as his body began to fill the apartment , legs sprouting from his sides and his face contorting into it 's true form . As he grew inside the apartment he knocked over the small tv in the middle room as it smashed on the floor . Mandible enjoyed being in his real form , but was impractical in such a small space , once he had finished this meal he would return to his weak alter ego of Manny , but to fully enjoy fable flesh he wanted to be whole . The taste brought back memories of the old world , he remembered his days as king , and would stop at nothing to return to those days once more . He had a plan , and maybe he would use the crooked man to bring that plan to fruition , before disposing of him entirely . Can someone tell me how to post images to this forum ? Will write chapter two later today if people are still interested in the exploits of Mandible / Manny : D Reply Loving he darkness of the story , Manny is scaring the hell out of me and the whole arm thing made me laugh ! Good job ! Keep at it ! Sad to say you can no longer post pictures at the moment . : ( I too , had some I wanted to share . . . . Reply Right , I 've finally gotten round to writing something else , however it 's really not much . It pretty much follows on from the first bit I did , though it 's something a bit different , and it 's more of a setting up for things to follow . Anyway , preface over . When the sign glows , his features show his hard times : there 's a furrowed brow , bent whiskers , streaks of grey fur from stress . He 's not too old , for a Fable , yet his heart seems to beat harder than before . He wears a red silk dressing gown , has a monocle lying somewhere . Fortunes have changed and gone is the once proud Weasel , replaced by one who is now just trying to survive . Over the past month the question of who he was gripped him until it became an obsession , to which he lost himself . Everyone else knew who they were , what made them unique , and the Weasel felt lessened for not knowing . Attempting to unearth answers from his own memory proved futile , so he tracked down people from his past , people who knew him at the time ; this proved to be of just as much use . Most he asked said they could not remember ; some would not speak to him ; and the other weasels , the ones most likely to know , were all on The Farm . Mr . Weasel had no intention of visiting that place . Soon , after becoming so enthralled in his search , debts began to pile up , payments were missed , and his savings vanished , which led to his eviction from The Woodlands and his current residence in this hotel . He could afford the room for a month , though he had no intention of staying for that long . Telling himself all would be fine once he 'd found the answer - when he knew what made him a Fable - his life would get back to normal . It had to . Out of desperation Weasel concocted his next plan . Rousing himself , he leaned across to the bedside cabinet for a Glamour . No matter what , he was determined to keep himself with Glamours - he needed them to fit in , to show he could be more than a weasel , so he could look human . In a strange way he was addicted to looking human . After the effects were applied he walked over to the mirror to inspect the results : black hair with only a little grey around the sides , a somewhat pointed nose , a moderately defined jaw , and no more beady eyes . These things pleased him . Changing into a black jacket , deep navy shirt with blue buttons and dark jeans , he felt ready as he placed on a pair of boots . A screwdriver and a bottle of whiskey were the final things he grabbed before setting off to break into The Woodlands . Into the Business Office . Reply Mandible peered into the darkness , despite his size he knew he could not be seen from the street , even by the sharpest eyes . No cars drove down the nearby street , this spot had been chosen as their meeting place when they first moved to Fabletown . There was nothing but a few decrepit apartment buildings on the street and held no interest for late night wandering mundies . A car pulled in to the alley , he had finally arrived . Mandible saw he was not alone , two figures stepped from the car and into the dark alley , choosing to leave the car headlights on . Mandible strained to see who the second figure was , but could not make them out from such a distance . What was the crooked man thinking ? He had never brought another Fable to a meeting with him , nobody was meant to know that Mandible still lived , none were allowed to ruin his secret identity . There must be a problem . Mandibles eyes narrowed as the figures stepped into the headlights of the stationary vehicle , the engine was still running , they clearly did not expect to be here long . As the light illuminated them he made out the second person , a female , he did not recognize this one . Mandible crawled along the wall of the alley , careful not to alert the now stationary figures below him . Edging closer to get a better look at the newcomer . Mandible was hesitant but decided to re - apply his glamour and find our what the man wanted . His limbs shrunk and contorted into a human face and body . Returning to his human shell . " Still struggling with that stutter I see ? A shame , but to glamour a creature as large as you takes strong magic , there were bound to be impurities . . . No matter " " The reason I have brought you here is because I need the both of you to take care of a small problem . It seems as though a certain ' business ' partner of mine has been caught getting up to no good . The sheriff has been causing a lot of problems for me and my friends around town , and is now hunting this particular friend . You do not need to know his name , but suffice to say I need to get my hands on him before the wolf gets to him . " " THATS ENOUGH , both of you , I do not have time to babysit you , if you would listen we can be out of here , I do not enjoy standing in the rain any longer than I have to " The crooked man adjusted his his tie which had straightened during his outburst , making sure that it was crooked once more . " Now all I need you to do is make sure that the wolf doesn 't escape with the fugitive and that he is taken in to our . . . ' protective ' custody . I have had the tweedles tailing him , I know where he is heading next , but I can not trust the two idiot brothers with a matter as important as this . " " All I need you to do Manny is make sure you keep eyes on our target once he has been spotted , he 's a slender man , elderly , glasses perched on the base of his nose . Seems to take to wearing a suit wherever he goes . He will be easy to spot , even among a crowd . I will call you when the tweedles have sighted him , and it will be both your jobs to make sure he does not escape , and more importantly that he is not captured by the wolf . Do you both understand ? " " F - Fine . I will await your call . . . " Manny removed his glamour and skittered down the alley and in to the darkness . " I do not need this overgrown piece of shit getting in my way Sir , I can handle this on my own , why do we need him ? " Mary blurted out after Mandible had disappeared from sight . The two returned to the car , Mandible watched from a safe distance , from where he could not be seen . As the car began to back out of the alley Mandible scrambled along the alley walls towards the exit . He had planned to follow the crooked man to his hideout and prepare for the next phase of his plan . But he had been given an opportunity to take care of the bitch , and get a free meal in the process first . He was most pleased with the way the meeting had turned out . I wanted to make a really dark character . And as arachnophobia is the most common of all , I felt what better fable villain than a giant spider confined to a humans body , with an insatiable hunger . I 'm glad you like the character so far , I 've got some really interesting ideas for how to continue the story . But it will continue tomorrow when I am not quite so half - asleep . Reply Personally I find dark characters to be refreshing . Not that there 's anything wrong with the occasional paragon of virtue , it 's just that characters which inhibit a sort of grey morality seem more real . They 've more than one dimension so you don 't necessarily know what they 're going to do next . Lyla was sound asleep and lost in thought . Everything was falling into place ; no one suspected a thing and all she had to do was keep loud mouth quiet and hopefully , everything would blow over in the end . She was deep in her dreams when she was suddenly awoken by a loud knock from the front door . She glanced at her clock and saw the time : 7 : 30am . Who the hell is that at this hour , she asked herself . Slowly Lyla emerged from her bed and stumbled to her door . Fuck , how she hated being woken up this early . The house was quiet ; her father must be at work , her sisters either dead asleep or out and she knew her mother was not home . It was grocery day and that woman loved getting an early start . The loud knocking continued ; this was giving her a headache now and was starting to lose her temper . She could feel her inner wolf poking it 's ugly head out . Lyla opened the door and was shocked at who stood in her doorway . Lyla 's never left his side ; Georgie was now looking at a family portrait of the family . This was making Lyla uncomfortable ; not Georgie but the whole idea of him BEING in the house . If her father were here . " You better get out of here . My father will not like it if he finds you here . " Georgie reached into his pocket and pulled out more money . That seemed to be his way of keeping girls ' mouths shut . He began counting out loud and the whole time , kept his eyes on her . There was something different about them today . They didn 't seem so angry . As he finished counting , he took the rest of the money and placed it back in his pocket . In his other hand he held another $ 700 . " Come on a drive with me . Let me buy you breakfast . You like omelettes ? " This had to be a trick . Something didn 't seem right but she had never heard of this Georgie before . Can she really trust this guy ? " Don 't worry about work tonight . In fact , don 't worry about dancing ever again . You are now going to be my personal assistant . If I need something done , cleaned , taken care of , that 's where you come in . I will provide you with the outfit . This money would have been for tonight but instead , if you go to breakfast with me , this can be your 's . " Lyla agreed and after applying on some makeup and changing her clothes , Georgie escorted her to his own personal car . As she reached for the door handle , Georgie 's hand stopped her 's and he opened the door . Lyla watched him do this and froze when he did this . All he did was smile and look at her . He had a grin from ear to ear . Lyla thanked him and sat in the passenger side . The seats were covered in a purple faux fur . Oh the front mirror dangled down a fluffy pair of dice . The wheel was shaped like chains and the stick shift handle was topped ever so cleverly with his initials in gold : G . P . Georgie took his seat , placed the keys in the ignition and started the car . He reached down , put the car into shift and drove away . The car ride was silent ; man , this guy really knows how to hold a conversation . The road was partially dead and he was able to weave in and out with no problems . They reached the Egg Man diner . He parked the car , got out and went all the way to Lyla 's side . He opened the door again for her . Lyla got out and the two began walking inside . They took a seat in a little booth in the back . As she fumbled through the menu , Lyla had a strange feeling she was being watched . She looked over and yes , there he sat , just staring . The waitress brought them each coffee . As she stirred her sugar and cream into her cup , she focused herself on Georgie . The waitress returned and Lyla soon forgot the question for now . They both ordered ham and cheese omelettes with a side of hash browns . " To answer your question . Yes . Why not ? We need to get used to each other and learn a little something about each other , so let me go first . You already know my name , as I of yours . I know EVERYTHING about your folks ; mine , eh . I have no idea . Dead I 'm sure . I have two older sibling but fuck , when we had to leave the homelands , I have no idea what happened to them . I was struggling like everyone was . I didn 't have the luxury of knowing the sheriff or sucking his dick to get a comfortable little section like your dad did . I wasn 't born with a silver spoon in my mouth like you , sweetie . I had to fight to stay alive , do anything I could to live in the fucked up town . I was offered this club as a way to pay down debt . . . make a living . Do I like it ? It has its moments . " " Hm . My father and Bigby talk about you from time to time . Now , let me tell you about me . I watched my father struggle everyday to keep us safe ; we were ' half - breeds ' ; I 'm sure you know what they do with them if they do not fall under the category of ' normal . ' He almost lost my sister Gina AND his job when she was born . Mom and dad told us when she was first born , she was in wolf form and wouldn 't change back . She also had a mean temper and would howl at all hours of the night . Mayor Cole didn 't want to but warned him if they couldn 't control her , she would have to live on the Farm . Dad and mom struggled until Sheriff Bigby saved them . He moved them out there and helped train Gina to stay in her ' human ' form . Ever since then , they have stayed there . You do what you can , Georgie . I don 't see that as being a problem . you all make it sound so easy . . . " Georgie fell silent . Lyla continued to stir her coffee and before he could speak again , the waitress returned with their food . Lyla grabbed the ketchup bottle and placed a hefty amount on her plate . All she wanted to do was eat and go back home . No one would ever understand . Her heart began to thud against her chest . Lyla was getting angry again and she could feel her ' wolf ' again . She tried to avoid it and continued eating but it was hard to avoid the growls escaping her mouth and her right hand suddenly showing claws . She stopped eating , dropped her fork and quickly left the booth . She hid her hand in her pocket and with a dash , left the dinner . Georgie stood up , placed $ 40 bucks on the table and followed Lyla out the door . Georgie found her power walking down the sidewalk . He chased after her and as he got closer , could hear her mumbling to herself . Lyla turned around ; her eyes were a piercing yellow and her bottom teeth had converted into fangs . " Ok , look . . . wait . . . hol . . hold on . * coughs * Ok , look . I 'm sorry . I don 't know what the fuck I did to get your panties in a bunch and to have you walk out like that but please , wait . I 'm sorry . I thought we were talking and - " " Is that how you always start off conversations ? Bashing someone 's family because you don 't know the whole story ? All you people see is my father and Bigby together - that is it ! No one get 's it ! " Lyla now had tears in her eyes . It was blurring her ability to see , so she took off towards the subway . She quickly walked down the stairs , all the while , Georgie was hot on her trail . " LYLA ! Will you wait ? ! " Georgie found Lyla standing quietly by the tracks . Before he could say anything , they heard a disturbing laugh . They both turned and saw three people standing there : A young lady with blonde hair who was wearing a black leather suit , a man in a top hat and scruffy hair and the third a man with brown hair covering his right eye . The girl spoke . " Well , well , well . what do we have here ? Hmm , you seem lost little puppy . Do we need to place posters all over town for you ? " The two men laughed and as they did , cocked their guns . She took out a pistol from her belt , loaded the chambers and walked towards Lyla . " Who the hell are you ? " " Oh , how rude are we ! Hm . Ok , since WE know who YOU are , let 's have circle time . I 'm Alice , that is the Mad Hatter and the March Hare and you have just walked into our little Wonderland without paying the fee . . . " " Please , sweetie . Don 't start running your mouth . I 'm in no mood and the last person that did , oh I don 't know . . . DIED ! " Lyla tried to force the wolf side out ; she could easily take them out . But fear was in the way of it . Fuck . All she could do was turn and run . Forget Georgie - he was on his own . As she began running , she heard Alice . The Mad Hatter and Hare chased after her , not before Georgie tripped them both . They dropped their guns and has they tried reaching for them , he punched them both in the face . Georgie kicked the Hare in the face , which sent him flying into the wall . Hatter got up and the two fist fought . He punched Georgie in the gut , causing him to stumbled backwards . Lyla stopped and watched in horror . Was he actually fighting them off ? Alice just stood there , watching . Georgie took another swing and knocked the Hatter down . Georgie kicked the guns aside and watched Alice . She dropped her gun and motioned for him to hit her . Georgie hesitated at first . Georgie charged Alice and the two fist fought . As they were doing this , Georgie didn 't see the Hatter reach for his gun . Before Lyla could say anything , Hatter pulled the trigger . The sound of a gun shot echoed ; everyone was silent . Alice looked down at Georgie and smiled . Georgie felt a burning sensation , looked down and saw the crimson red color . He looked over at Lyla , then fell to the floor . The three picked up their weapons and walked right pass Lyla . As they did , Alice smiled . Lyla was left alone in the subway . She ran over to Georgie 's side ; he was not moving at all . his breathing became short and he would not open his eyes . Lyla tried covering the bullet wound with her hand . Wow . . . that was very intense . Whew ! I hope he comes out okay in the end . I don 't like him very much but that still does not mean he should die like this . Can 't wait to read on ! Reply ( I sit near my fireplace , as I calmly sip some of my finest , blood - red wine ) My , my . All of these stories . Such adventures ! Written with passion and an undying lust for creativity . I simply . . . applaud these works of literature that litter the pages before me . ( I get up and raise my glass ) May creativity last forever in our minds , and be eternal in our hearts . Thank you , storytellers , it 's all I could ever ask for . Keep it up ! Reply A thank you to yourself ! After all , it is your ( Huff & Puff smoking and blood - red wine drinking ) self who created the thread and gave us the blank page . Reply Aw , thanks ! Y ' know , I was thinking about writing a new one , but I need to do some brain organization . It 'll most likely expand upon my previous story , maybe from another POV . Heck , maybe I 'll incorporate movie night into it ! Also , sorry I wasn 't there for Horror Friday , I was busy all day that day and totally forgot ! Reply That would be awesome if you do consider making more tales , Em ! And It 's okay , I forgive you . : D Though I was wondering that day , " Where was her post when she said that she couldn 't wait for Horror Friday ? " Oh well , you can still technically post on there if you still want to , but if you decide not to , then that 's fine ! Reply Considering I only made an account on this website just to post in this thread I would say that you had a great idea . Some really amazing stories here , love all the creativity , and I really enjoyed your stories as well . So thank YOU friend ! Awww , Scribz . : ) Thank you for the nice reply man . Your stories are seriously a good read themselves , I can 't wait for the next parts ! I really liked the dialogue of Mandible ! Reply I 'm just enjoying everyone 's creativity and the drama that is spewing out of my computer screen ! Keep up the good work , everyone ! Glad to have this thread here . : ) Reply " Vrooooooom ! Look mommy , I can fly the plane ! Maybe Ranger Danger Mike could fly planes if he wasn 't a cowboy ! Wouldn 't that be cool ? " " He 's as rambunctious as the uncle he were named after . You should go wash your hands and meet me in the dining room . There 's pepperoni and plain . " I pull a slice from the box in front of me and shove the corner of it in my mouth . My mother and grandma talk lowly to each other while the boys go on about the newest episode of Sponge Rob Space Pants . I feel out of place . Maybe it 's a good thing I 'm moving to Fabletown . Upon reaching the bedroom , I noticed a teddy bear peaking out of the opening of my suitcase . I smile and zipper it closed . At the entrance to the icy castle is a magic carpet , because Snow can 't fly like us . Before we embark , I hug my mom goodbye and kiss my brothers on their foreheads . " Don 't worry . I always though you were just another fairytale I was told at night before bed . To know that I 'm related to you was an insane concept for me to grasp . I guess we both have some adjusting . " I walk in , where aunt Therese and my child - sized mother sit in the living room . Therese gets up and side - hugs me . The sun is setting across the valley . My mother , now much smaller than me , looks up smiling . " Of course . More ready then I 'll ever be , mommy . " I laugh . It 's strange to call someone who looks younger than you mommy . I guess strange is a norm in this family . She hugs me with her tiny arms and I rest my head on top of hers . I feel my eyes go hot and blurry and before you know it , there are tears falling down my cheeks . I 'm scared to be somewhere on my own . I don 't want to leave just yet . " Oh , come on now . This is as hard for me as it is for you . How do you think I feel letting you go so quickly ? I guess this is how my own mother feels , now that she knows she has you as her granddaughter . " " Listen . You have your entire family behind you . There are plenty of Fables here with no one else to call family . If you need help , call . It 's as simple as that . " Cole greets me in the blue pick - up truck and my suitcases are tossed in the back . The engine putters to life and the headlights go on , since it 's already too dark to see outside . The trip back was long and restless and Cole 's rambling didn 't calm my nerves . Snow came along to , to show me how to do some things , like cook dinner and make my bed . I never had my own bed . I always floated when I slept . The tread up the stairs gets heavier the further I go and I give up . I don 't want to leave Snow behind , so I swoop her up and fly to the floor I will be living on . The cobblestone floor turns to wood when the door opens up and I flip a light switch so we can see . There 's a red two - seater couch , a television ( Of rather nice standards ) , and a doorway to the kitchen , bathroom , and bedroom . I have a window above the sink and when I look down , I see the whole shadowy marketplace . It 's bigger than I imagined . " I was planning on a couple of days , just to help you settle . There 's more furniture that we need to buy . You need curtains and some supplies . " The next day was a bit flustering . We visited some stores and I got some furniture from a place that is set up like a maze and gives funny names to the tables and the chairs . Snow said it was a Swedish company , and they don 't speak English so the things aren 't in English . I thought it was stupid but its really nice furniture . I got a new desk and a swivel chair , and a few lamps to light up my bedroom . I spent lunch alone at the new restaurant , A Taste of the Homelands , and I met someone I never seen before there . She looked kind of mean when I saw her . " Are you new around here ? A Fable ? " She asked from across the bar . I set my spoonful of soup back into the bowl . " Isn 't the North wind a fricken God or somethin ' ? Oh , and I 'm Mary . You seem like an okay girl . I like the blue highlights . " " My grandmother went out for a while and let me roam on my own . I figured this place would be nice . I quite like this section of the place , it 's not too bright and the soup is fantastic . " " Yeah , well this is my homelands section . I come here when I 'm tired of dealing with people . The goblins mix the alcohol better than the other bars here . " " That 's a good reason . Do you want to come to my apartment later ? I bought a few movies earlier and I was just going to watch them with Snow . " " Snow ? THE Snow goddamn White ? Man , you know I used to hate her . A lot . But it faded into nothingness . I guess I ended up realizing that she had as much problems as everyone else . It was around the time she got pregnant and shit . I guess I 'll come , if there 'll be chips and more alcohol . " " Alright . It 's settled . I 'll bring my own flask and we will watch a few movies together . I think this is the beginning of a good friendship . " ( Note : This is assuming that Mary survives to the end of TWAU . It 's also assuming that she becomes good , or at least neutral , in the end of the game following into the comics . I doubt it , but its good to dream ; ) Whoa , I think that was the first time I 've actually seen Mary calm ! What is the world coming to ? : P And thanks for the little reference to movie night , really nice of you , Em . Anyways , very good for the continued story ! EDIT : Wait , no , it 's FANTASTIC ! ( and pizza whoopie pizza , haha ) I just realized you referenced the name of your Fabletown restaurant too . Reply Yeah . I desperately want her to end up being cool with Fabletown , but I highly doubt the game will end with her still alive . I guess we 'll see . And the idea of also including the restaurant was actual really sudden . I needed a way to invite Mary and it popped in my head the moment I thought about it . I think If I were to write another chapter , I 'd get Harmony a job somewhere so she can learn to make money on her own . I dunno , we 'll see . Reply Love it ! Perfectly written , great story , really easy to read and a lot of fun . I am quite envious of your writing skills , really well done . I hope there is a sequel in the near future ! Reply I actually don 't consider myself a good writer at all >.< But thanks , really . I 'm glad you think I 'm good , it took me a few hours to get the flow going . I kind of feel that it would go a lot better with pictures , considering it is mostly dialog and not too much in between . Reply Thanks , Mark . It took me a while to think it through , and I had to rewrite a few sections , and I 'm happy you enjoy it . Reply Lyla sat quietly in the Business Office . She was sure Snow White was tired of seeing her face here by now . Snow was currently walking back and forth with her file again in her hands . Lyla feared the worst from everyone . Snow would give her the ' talk ' like always , the sheriff would play the ' good cop bad cop ' with her ; Mayor Cole would be gentle with her like always and try his best to comfort during this situation and then , there was her father . She already knew his main focus would not be on the situation or her condition but as to WHY she was with him . . . Georgie fucking Porgie . Her grip on the coffee cup grew tighter in her grasp . Lyla wanted to just run away and hide ; this was getting to be too much for her . Just then , Bigby walked in the door . He stood beside Snow , glanced at the file , then at Lyla . He did not appear to be angry ; just concerned . He was trying to smile ; his eyes looked understanding and she let out a sigh of relief . " Is he . . . did he . . . where is . . " " Georgie is in my office at the moment . He made it . Dr . Swineheart just took out the bullet and is patching up the wound . He 's refusing to take medication , so before he can leave , he 's currently sitting for the moment . " " No you certainly not fucking go see him ! " Lyla already knew who that was the moment she heard it . Her father stormed into the office and piratically ran to her side . He had a stronge smell of smoke on him . He looked awful like he had not slept or showered in days . His usually neat hair was messy and he was no longer clean shaven and looked like the sheriff at that very moment . That was one thing Lyla could give to Snow - she was always able to stay calm and have any Fable , no matter how angry or upset , calm down enough to talk to her . She was hoping deep down inside she could calm her father down . " John , seriously , get a hold of yourself ! Your daughter is currently shaken up at the moment and the last thing she needs is her father screeching at her ! " " That scumbag SAVED your daughter , John ! You would not HAVE your daughter were it not for Georgie ! I don 't like him , either but the fact his she 's here because of him ! Alice and her goons are very dangerous people , Jonhn . We have been after them for years ! She is VERY lucky ! We would be preparing her funeral right now . Instead , she 's right over there ! Please . . . show some compassion towards her . " John looked over at his daughter , who was now talking to Bigby . Snow was right and despite his hate for Georgie , she would not be here with them . Snow grabbed his hands and held them in her 's . " Please . . . . " He walked over to his daughter . Both her and Bigby looked up . Lyla was already preparing for the worst , when she noticed a grin located on his face . He sighed out loud , grabbed the cup and placed it on Snow 's desk . Lyla jumped up and wrapped her arms around his neck . As she walked past Snow , she quietly thanked her . In return , Snow smiled . Lyla walked into the Security office and found Georgie sitting in the corner . The only light in the room was a small desk lamp located on Bigby 's desk . When he noticed Lyla , he smiled . Georgie was currently shirtless and she could see the wound located directly over his belly button . " Why did you do it ? You could have easily ran . . . " " Look . I did it cause I wanted to , ok ? But instead of thanks , I 'm an asshole and scumbag . You will return to the city and have people all over you fucking asking you what happened and they will smother you in their love . Meanwhile , I will be labeled an asshole again and instead of thanks , I will walk away with the town throwing tomatoes at me and sneering the whole way back to ma ' club . Does that cover it ? " Lyla fell silent . Georgie sighed and reached for his shirt . She watched him struggle severely to put it on . He was right . The town would do this . After all , her father was already knocking him down a few more pegs . She walked behind him , grabbed the top and held him pull it down . Lyla smiled and as she headed towards the exit , Georgie grabbed her hand . He was now standing very close to her . Georgie reached into his pocket and pulled out the picture of the men . Lyla became furious , was he really going to pull this shit right now ! But before she could say anything , Georgie pulled out his lighter , took it to the edge of the picture , flicked the bic and watched it slowly burn until it was nothing more than ashes on the floor . Lyla stood there in complete shock . " Don 't worry about it , Lyla . I 'm sorry I ever held that over your head . I 'd do that same thing . . . surprised you never did it to me , honestly . Fuck . You don 't have to come back to the club and I will understand if I never see you again . Fuck . . . . " Lyla grabbed his hands and laced her fingers in his . Now this Georgie . . . the one that people claimed mysteriously disappeared overnight . . . . this Georgie is what she was waiting for . They were all in the same boat as he was ; no one had room to talk . They were all tired of this shit . . . it had become an excuse . " Thank you , Georgie . For everything . . . . I really appreciate everything and I 'm still - " Lyla 's words were cut short because Georgie 's lips were locked onto her 's . Lyla was taken back by his actions but she suddenly felt her arms wrap around his neck , as his were now securely wrapped around her hips . A wave of emotions were flooding the both of their minds ; Lyla felt confused , excited and a pinch of unsure ; Georgie felt something he had not felt in a long time : security , compassion and love . So , what felt like eternity , Lyla and Georgie stayed like that : embraced in each other 's love and struggle . Reply I 've added the last 2 chapters of the first arc of my story to my original post . I plan on finishing the story in near future . Keep up the good work folks : ) Reply Holly and Woody took cover behind the bar . Only brave one to take a chance was Jack , who found Gren 's actions amusing . The whole time he was cracking jokes and laughing . Holly tried her best to make Jack stop but he was too far into it to stop . Gren threw another cup into the wall ; that being his 8th cup in 2 minutes . For a minute , he was in his true form ; he destroyed the pool table and smashed in a couple of stools before he returned to his ' glamour ' self and took his anger out on the glasses . " FUCKING ASSHOLE ! Fuck Georgie ! How the fuck can he possibly changed , that piece of shit ! He took advantage of her ! He doesn 't give a fuck about her or anyone else ! Is she ever so quick to forget who he REALLY is - a conniving , self - centered , disrespectful piece of shit ! ! ! ! " Gren thew yet another glass into the wall . He quickly walked over to Holly , who was now standing back in disbelief . " Holly - give me another ! " Jack continued laughing . Gren turned around and began walking towards him . At this moment , Jack 's laughter quickly came to an end and he was now pinned against the wall , Gren just a few inches from his face . Jack could see the anger and hurt in his eyes . Gren 's fists were now clenched and Jack could hear his teeth grinding . Gren backed up and headed towards the bar again . He took a seat at the only stool not broken , placed his head down on the bar and began to cry . Holly reached her hand over and gently touched his hair . Woody continued to stand in silence , just as Jack finally was . He couldn 't breathe ; he was literally drowning in his tears . It was going so great , he thought . She was a sweet girl with an amazing ability to look past anything . He had no idea how hard this would hit him . . . he swore he would never love again . " Grew , sweetie . She lied to ALL of us . Just let it go and let her make her own choices . She 's not a baby , Gren . She KNOWS who Georgie is , yet she decided to play with snakes and got bit . Ignore her and stay out - " Gren lifted his head up and looked at Holly , both his eyes were now a milky color . He was getting ready to change again and they all knew it . He got up out of his seat and headed for the door . He didn 't say a word and left . Holly ran from behind the bar and chased after him . He was at the corner , waiting for the light to turn green . She knew were he was heading to and she couldn 't take that chance . Gren was already on the sheriff 's shit list . John also couldn 't stand Gren . " Gren ! Goddamn it ! Will you stop ! Look , don 't do this ! You can 't afford any of this ! She 's not worth it ! " " I marked her , alright ! ! She 's . . . I accidentally marked her a few nights ago when we were hanging out . I didn 't get a chance to finish because John came home . She made me leave . . . I have to fix this . She has a piece of me now . I was going to make her mine , Holly . . . then , that thing happens with Georgie and . . . . " " Gren , she didn 't mean to do that . you said it yourself she was just in the moment . They have not seen each other since . . " The light turned green and Gren began walking again . Holly could have easily went after Gren and made him stay . He could have easily decided not to chase her down . He didn 't have to but she let him go and watched him disappear into the busy crowded streets . She just prayed he knew what he was doing . Gren made his way to the Woodlands and found Lyla 's home . He walked up and began pounding on the door . He didn 't care WHO was home . John could answer the door and it still didn 't matter . In seconds , the dor opened and there stood Nancy . She was taken back by who was there . " Gren . what are you doing here ? Everything ok ? " But he was already gone . He power walked the whole way there with only one thing on his mind . When he finally reached his destination , he found her leaving the building . She was surprised to see Gren and smiled . He was screaming at her and Lyla was taken back by the anger in his voice . She could also see the hurt and realized what happened . Vivian must have said something . She occasionally went to drink there at the Trip Trap . If SHE said something , she could only imagine it would a matter of time before this reached the office . Her father STILL had no idea how she REALLY met Georgie . Fuck , that meant Gren knew . . . " Vivian was at the bar the other day and told Holly everything ! You were a dancer ? ! For that fucking piece of shit ! ? You lied to me ! ! How could you , Lyla . . . you . . . we . . . " Gren turned away ; he didn 't want to cry in front of Lyla . It was bad enough he did at the bar . Lyla placed her books on the ground and walked to Gren . She did regret EVER doing anything for Georgie ; it didn 't matter if he had proof . They were just dead corpses . It could have been anyone but at the moment , she couldn 't take that chance . She also had regret after the incident with Georgie at the office . . . . It never felt right . But right now , just touching Gren 's arm , gave her the peace of mind she was looking for . Lyla was silent . Not because of his question . It was how much this had affected him and she wished she had told him sooner . " Lyla , are you busy right now . . . . " " This city is fucking getting to my fucking head . I need somewhere to think . Let 's go back to my apartment . We can sit and talk better there . And if you 're hungry I can call in some Chinese or something . " Lyla agreed and soon , hand in hand , they made their way to his apartment . All the while , unaware of the blonde girl in the purple dress watching from a cafe ' . Reply
Where is Joe 's head at ? He admitted he is falling in love with Sarah but will Carol disrupt his feelings ? Will his decisions stop all the dreams ? What will Sarah 's reaction be the next time they are together ? ____________________________________________________ Joe 's head was still spinning as he leaned back against his pillow . All he could think about was how he had just placed his faith in God and that he told Sarah he loved her and she had told him the same . I am ready to move on . I feel great ! Life is changing and I am ready . No one will ever again make me doubt myself and the things I have decided to place my faith in . Joe continued thinking about Sarah and could hear the words " I love you to Joe " bouncing softly around his mind as if she was still on the phone with him when his alarm went off . Jumping out of bed he headed for the shower and before he knew it he was driving into the parking lot at work just at the same time Tom arrived and pulling up alongside of him . As they made their way toward the entrance , Tom stopped . Hey , where did you go yesterday ? I saw you pull a U - turn just down the street . Well I had something come up and I needed to get it resolved . So I called in and took a personal day . What 's the matter , you couldn 't get through the day without me , Joe said with a loud laugh . Ha , ha replied Tom . I just never see you miss work . You are the one who is always here . Well let 's just say , I am really glad I took the day off replied Joe as they punch the clock and made their way into the shop . It 's wasn 't long and the buzzer went off for break . Joe grabbed his thermos and was pouring himself a cup of coffee when Tom walked over and sat down with a Coke in hand and quickly said ; so tell me what has made you so happy today . What happen yesterday that put you in such a good mood ? It must be good ! Well , I am not sure you would understand Tom . Try me , Tom responded with a smirk on his face . Hey , did you and Sarah get together and … No Tom , Sarah and I are not doing that Joe quickly barked out with a disgusted look on his face . Ok , but you did see Sarah again . You played hooky from work to hang out with Sarah didn 't you ? You 've got it wrong Tom . Just as Tom was ready to ask what was so all powered important to miss work over the buzzer sounded saving Joe from any further explanation . Before long it was noon and Joe headed outside just to avoid Tom and escape all the questions . As he walked around he began to realize that his life was taking a turn that he was not sure he was ready for . I feel really good about my decision to place my faith in God and I really do love Sarah . So what is my problem ? I really thought all my issues with life would just go away . Come on God , I need a little more help here Joe said to himself . Joe walked over and sat down by a big tree and started talking to God like he had the night before . Just what am I going to do now ? I believe in you and want to be able to tell people that I do . You know me God . I 'm generally willing to tell people what is on my mind . I want to tell them about everything I have uncovered while I was trying to understand all this . I just don 't know how I am going to do it . What will I say and how will I say it ? So many of my friends still think and believe like I did before You help me figure these things out . They don 't even give You a second thought . Just then Joe heard a voice and looked up to see a stranger looking at him . Hey man , you know you are talking to yourself don 't you . No I am not responded Joe with a startled look on his face . Looking around the stranger replied ; then just who were you talking to then ? I guess I was talking to God Joe responded . Not believing he just said that , he looked up at the stranger to see his reaction which totally surprised him . I understand was the strangers reply . I talk to him too . I love it when He talks back to me . It 's not always with words , but I always know when He is trying to tell me something . Well I will leave you to your talks and you might want to try not moving your lips or letting out sounds unless you are some place private . Somebody might think you 're a little nuts . Remember , God always knows what you need . The problem is we don 't always listen very well . We let our personal desires , our own thoughts and decisions run our life . So remember to talk to Him and you can talk tJoe stood still and shook his head in disbelief at how fast the stranger disappeared , then turned around and headed back to the shop . The rest of the day went by quickly and before long he was headed to his car when Tom walked up behind him saying ; so let go grab a beer and you can tell me the rest of the story . Joe could still hear the words of the stranger tell him that God would help him so he agreed and they headed to the Pub to talk . They walked in and found a table off to the side and had just sat down when Carol walked up with a big smile . Hi Joe as she brushed up against him . Did you get my note last night ? Tom look at Joe and his mind was off to the races . Yah , I got it . There is something we need to talk about Carol , so we should catch up and I can tell you about things . Sounds like some things have changed in your life Carol replied with a big smile . Let me know when we can get together . In the meantime , what can I get you guys ? How about a couple of those IPA 's you have on special replied Tom . Sure thing as she again smiled at Joe brushing his shoulder with her hand as she turned and headed back to fill their order . Tom looked at Joe with a big grin and a chuckle saying ; I think she still likes you my man . You little devil you . You better be careful playing two girls at one time . I don 't think you are man enough to handle that . No , no , no replied Joe ! It is not like that . I think Carol would like to see if we still have something left , but I don 't . We had a good time when we hung out together , but I never felt like she was the real deal for me . Actually I don 't think she ever felt we would become a permanent item either . Sarah 's my girl and I 'm not going to do anything to mess that up . Ok , now you got my attention Joe . What is it about Sarah that is so different anyway . Sure she is cute , ok really cute , but she is also one of those religious types . Are you sure you want to go down that road ? Well Tom , she has helped me with a lot of things I have been struggling with . You already know about my dreams that just won 't go away . Talk about real . They are so real I wake up and remember every detail . Sarah has been helping me do a lot of research on the topic of evolution and creation to try to find some answers . The problem was that part of me wanted to find an answer and the other half just wanted the dreams to quit so I could move on with life . But , the deeper we dug , the more real things became . This is the reason I called Joe sat silent in his chair as he pondered the question from Tom . How am I going to answer this ? He is going to think I am a nut case . He will think I have become some radical believer in God . He will think I am history as a friend . He will never want to hang out with me again . He will tell all our friend that I have turned to the other side . He will make fun of me around other people like he does when he knows someone is a Christian . Tom has a big mouth and loves to joke around and sometimes he get carried away even when he doesn 't mean too . Oh I need some help God . How am I going to handle this ? Ok Joe , out with it . Just as Joe was about to attempt an answer , Carol showed up with their drinks . Hey guys , I thought you looked like you need a little nourishment after a hard day at work so I brought you a small order of hot wings - on the house of course as she smiled at Joe . Wouldn 't want you to waste away to nothing . Wow , thanks Carol Tom replied jolting Joe back to life with the reply ; yah thanks Carol . That 's really nice of you . But you didn 't have to and we will pay for them . Tom sat looking at Joe thinking free wings and you want to pay for them . No , my treat as she walked over and put her hand on Joe 's sending him a signal that no one could misinterpret . Joe picked up his beer and took a long hard swallow . Sitting it back down he picked up a wing and started to eat it when Tom offered up the comment ; you got some problems ahead of you my friend . Not sure how you are going to handle them . Joe just sat quietly continuing to eat the wings and slowly drinking his beer . How can all these things be happening to me all at one time ? Why me ? Why can 't life just be simple ? Go to work , have a girlfriend , go out with friends and just have some fun ? Joe jumped when Tom said ; hey man where are you anyway ? You still alive ? You 're sitting there looking like something I never want to become . I got just the solution . You need a night out on the town . How about you get Sarah and I will get Ann and we can go out this weekend and do dinner , have a few drinks , and maybe some dancing at the club . Better yet , maybe we should get the gang together and go out to our favorite camping spot and just have a good old party ? Yah , that sound like fun Tom , Joe responded before he realized what he had just agreed to . Ok , it 's a done deal . I will send out a text and let everyone know . You and Sarah show up and I will bring the drinks , my treat . Joe sat back when it hit him that he had just committed Sarah to a party that he didn 't even know if she would go to . Of course I need to check with Sarah to see if she is free Saturday night before I am sure we will come Tom quickly added . Well Joe , I am going to have the party one way or the other . So do what you need to do and I hope you two will come . How is Joe going to handle this ? What about Sarah ? Will she go to this party with him ? Will Carol show up now that she is back in town ? Will Tom get a little carried away and decide to have some fun with Joe and bring up some of the things he has told him ? Share this : LinkedInFacebookGoogleEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Building your faith , Caring , Church awareness , Creation , Creation vs . Evolution , Evolution , God , heart , Inspirational , Love , Making a difference , Relationships , Religious Rules , Who am I ? \| Tagged bible , Big Bang , comfort zone , Compasion , complacency , creation , evolution , how it all began , Influences , inspiration , Life events , Love , motivation , personalities , Religious rules , who am I , why am I here The mind is such a valuable asset we each have . It ability to grasp the true nature of life , not to be swayed by someones individual agenda to prove the unprovable , lies within each of us . While some will choose to accept a given theory as proof based on a need for personal comfort and desires , some will challenge man 's desire to discredit creation when all odds point in the direction of creation . What is it that makes man take a positions that in the end has all the odds stacked against it ? Why do our sciences try so hard to prove there is no God , no Creator , that this universe just happened ? When instead they could use the idea of God and that all was created to set the foundation for science . To have a desire to understand how it works is the same in either case . If we were created , we have meaning . If we just happened then maybe we don 't . Thoughts to ponder don 't you think ! In 1966 Time magazine ran a cover story asking : Is God Dead ? Many have accepted the cultural narrative that he 's obsolete - that as science progresses , there is less need for a " God " to explain the universe . Yet it turns out that the rumors of God 's death were premature . More amazing is that the relatively recent case for his existence comes from a surprising place - science itself . Can Joe finally wrap his head around everything that has happened ? What will some of his friends think ? Could Sarah be that special person that everyone always dreams they will find ? ______________________________________________ Joe headed back to his place with his head in the clouds thinking about how much he liked Sarah and how nice her parents were . What more could anybody ever want in a girlfriend . Wow , I just officially called her my girlfriend . Maybe it 's even more than that . I think I have completely fallen head over heals in love with her . Stop - stop - stop , get a grip . You don 't stand a chance long - term . Yes I do . You don 't get those feelings if there isn 't something special happening on both sides . I know she likes me or she would not make me feel craze when I am with her , sending my head spinning when she kisses me , hugs me or just holds my hand . But remember that thing about having a belief the same as hers . I am not going to change my belief just for Sarah . Besides she told me that it has to be something I do on my own . But in the end I will lose her if I …… . Ok this is crazy . I am talking to myself then answering myself and solving nothing . Joe pulled into his place and made his way to the door and notice a note slid in between the door and the weather - stripping . Turning the key with one hand he grab the note and walked inside , laid them on the table by the door , walked to the fridge to grab a beer and then sat down in his chair . He laid his head back for a few minutes revisiting the events of the day when he remember the note . Retrieving the note from the table he sat back down and opened it . Hi Joe . I just stop by to see how you are doing . We only had a short talk the other night and I wanted to catch up . Call me if you want . Love Carol . Joe reach over and picked up his beer , took a drink , laid the note on the end table and thought about Carol for just a few moments . Stop - just stop . I need to make sure Carol understand that I have a girlfriend and that we are not going to become an item again . I like Sarah and don 't want to do anything to screw it up . Joe headed towards the bedroom wanting to just get some sleep . Crawling into bed he remembered back to the warm feelings he has when he is with Sarah . How he wished they could be together all the time . After a short while his eyes went closed as he fell asleep still dreaming he was with Sarah . As the night rolled on Joe began to roll and toss . Come on run faster Joe told himself . I can 't breathe and I need a place to hide long enough to regain some energy or I will become a dinosaurs dinner . Joe 's mind was processing everything around him at lightning speed as he looked around realizing he had been here before . Taking a quick left he headed up a small incline and spotted the opening in the side of the hill . Pushing forward with the last of his energy he reached the entrance to the cave and quickly disappeared into the darkness inside . Still hearing the sounds outside as the dinosaur push on everything in site in an attempt to locate his next dinner , letting out noises that would wake the dead and make them run , he quietly leaned against the wall of the cave gasp for oxygen and tried to regain some strength . All at once he remembered the entrance on the other side of the cave and how it was safe . Rolling onto his hands and knees he started moving deeper into the cave looking for that glimmer of light he remembered . Moving slowly , feeling the wall 's as he made his way deeper and deeper he keep saying ; why didn 't I bring my lighter ? I can 't believe I didn 't bring my lighter . Stupid , stupid , stupid . Trying to remember how far it was to the large carved out room where the light entered from the opening in the rock above , he realized he was going down a slope and not up like before . Joe could feel the frantic emotions as he realized he must have made a wrong turn when he heard a noise coming from deeper in the cave . It sounded like something or someone was calling his name . Keep coming Joe . You can make it . Joe sat motionless as his mind was running out of control as he tried to figure out what he was reallJoe took a deep breath and decided to do something he had never done before . God , if you are real , I need to talk to you . I need your help . Sarah told me about you and I have read how you created everything . I think it just might be true . She told me about You sending your son Jesus to earth just to help us craze humans understand what this life is really all about . I also heard he died and you brought him back to life and that people saw him and talked to him after he had been in his tomb for three days . She also told me You took him back to heaven to live with You and that he would come back someday for all of us . She told me that if I would accept him for who he is , ask him to forgive me for all the wrong things I have done , he would forgive me and never remember them ever again . She told me that my life would never be the same . That I would have an inter - comfort for the rest of my life , like nothing I have ever experienced . Well if you made this world and Jesus is really your son , then I want some of that . I have done so many thing wrong in my life and I would like to forget them and move forward . And I don 't know where these dreams are coming from , but if you have anything to do with them , could You just make them stop . I really do get it . You are the creator and Jesus is your son . I am ready to let You take over my life . I want You to forgive me for my past and help me with the future . As Joe sat on the edge of his bed , his tears began to flow down his cheeks as he said ; please just show me the way and if you can , please show me you are with me . I believe in you and want you in my life from now on . Joe felt something happen , something he could not explain , something that Sarah had hinted at but never really came right out and told him about . He began to smile as he felt the burdens of old lifted off his shoulders , the feelings of not understanding became clear and a feeling of joy filled his thoughts as his mind seemed to finally have all the answers he had searched for . He knew something had happened . Something deep in his chest told him he was now a believer and he felt great about it . Joe looked up saying ; God , I guess this is the answer I asked for . I have found what to place my faith in . Thank you so much for being patient with me and letting me figure this out . Thank you so much and I look forward to talking to you more in the future . Joe picked up his phone and hit the speed dial to Sarah . Sarah heard the buzzing of her phone . Looking at the clock she could see that it was 5 o ' clock am but could also see it was Joe name on the screen . She picked it up saying ; hi Joe . Do you know what time it is ? No I don 't , replied Joe . It 's 5 AM Joe ! I am so sorry Sarah . I just didn 't think about the time . It must be important if you couldn 't wait until morning to call , replied Sarah as she wiped the sleep from her eyes and feeling a little unhappy about being woke up so early . You know I need my beauty sleep Sarah added . Your beautiful without it Joe replied . But I had to tell you ; I did it Sarah . I did it . You did what Joe ? I talked to God and he answered me ! I know now what it 's all about . I have found my answers . I asked God into my life . And I - I - love you Sarah ! Sarah began to cry as she listen to Joe and his excitement as he continued to tell her all about the night . Joe offered up another apology saying ; I am so sorry for waking you Sarah . Wiping her tears from her eyes Sarah tried to talk but was lost for words . After a few quiet moments passed Sarah said ; I am really glad you called no matter what the time was . I am so excited for you . And Joe , I love you too ! Will Joe and Sarah take another step in their relationship ? Will Joe let down his guard and tell Sarah how he feels about everything ? ____________________________________________________________ Well Mr . Hooky player , what were you up to today that made you decide to miss work , Sarah said half laughing ? It must have been pretty important to make you take a day off . Well , I almost made it to work when everything that has happened came rushing back into my mind Joe said with a serious look on his face . I knew I needed to dig deeper and it 's more important to me than working . So much has happened to me in the last several weeks with these crazy dreams , getting to know you , running into people at places I didn 't expect . I knew I had some personal days stored up and they are pretty good about letting us take them when we really need to , so I did . Man , I just remembered . I bet Tom is wondering what I was up to . When I was pulling the U - turn he drove by me on his way into the shop . How will I explain …… . . Sarah interrupted Joe and ask ; who else have you run into anyway ? Well you know Dr . Bob at the Pub and oh yes I also ran into my x - girlfriend Carol who is back in town and now working part - time at the pub . Sarah quickly began analyzing the comment about the x - girlfriend when she blurted out ; just how " x " is she ? Well we dated for about a year when she left town and we broke it off thinking the distance would be too hard and we really weren 't all that serious anyway . Again Sarah 's mind was analyzing - not serious but dated for a year - and she was what he called his girlfriend . We just had a good time together . Good time , Sarah questioned as she again looked Joe in the eye . Yes , just a good time . Wait a minute Sarah , are you jealous ? No - or at least I shouldn 't be Sarah admitted as her face turned a slight color of pink . Well you don 't have to worry , you are more important to me than anything and I really want to make thing work between us . That is why I played hooky today . I want to understand Ok Joe , tell me the rest of the story . Well I went home , turned on the computer and start to research evolution versus creation . I found this book that looked like it had some answers and found that it was at the library . So I headed there and found the book and sat reading it when I began to feel it was pushing me in only one direct and not just giving me information . It referenced the Bible so I went and found one on the shelf . There were several versions and I think I took the King James version , and read the first few chapters . Wow , you read one of the harder versions of the bible to understand Sarah added . I like the NIV version best . But they all really tell you the same thing , just using different words . Well anyway , I started to get it , Joe said . I started to understand where you are coming from . You know , it takes faith to believe in either . Just like what Dr . Bob has said . It is a decision each of us has to make on our own . I realized how late it was so I left the library and call you . After that , I went home , changed my clothes , turn on the TV and then you will never guess what happened . You had a dream again didn 't you Sarah said as a look of compassion came across her face . No , it wasn 't a dream . I was channel surfing when all of a sudden a Dinosaur was on the screen and all I heard was that a hundred million years ago this great beast lived . I couldn 't believe a show on dinosaurs would be on just at that time so pushing the channel button again , just a couple of channels away , was a picture of a dinosaur track on top of a human track . Now what are the odds ? I just turned it off and headed to the car to come over to see you when I realized I had some time to kill and so I just sat back in the car and let my mind try to sort this all out when the phone rang and it was you telling me that I was late . Now you know the rest of the story of today . So what do you think this is all about Sarah questioned ? Sounds to me like someone or something is trying to get your attention or you just have a mind that likes to wonder and play tricks on you . Are you trying to call me a little crazy Joe replied as he chuckled out loud . Well maybe a little Sarah replied with a grin on her face . Well I 'm still not sure but after talking to you and Dr . Bob , doing all this research and don 't forget all the dreams , I just might agree with you . However , no matter what it is , I think I am drawing some conclusions finally . I just can 't see how the evolutionary community can continue to push evolution as the only way when they just cannot prove it . Even the odds of it happening are against them by their own admission . It takes a lot of faith to believe in full - blown evolution . I guess I could use the term that they like to use ; blind faith . And then when I read about creation , it also takes faith to believe . However , it does fill in a lot of blanks if we take a serious look at it . So I am leaning towards creation as how it all began . Sarah smiled as she knew this is how she believed . So is that all there is to it Joe asked ? All I have to say is that I believe in creation and that this is how it all started ? Almost , but it really in the end is putting your faith in Jesus , Sarah continued . What do you mean , Joe questioned looking puzzled ? Well , it really is simple . A couple of years ago I made a decision to believe in God , to believe in his creation , and to believe he sent his son Jesus to earth to die for my sins . You can learn more about this if you continue to read the Bible especially the New Testament . I can tell you everything I know , but you really need to make this decision yourself . In my case , I knew I had done some wrong things in my life that really bothered me . I knew what my mom and dad had told me . I had already been through everything you are trying to figure out but I had never made a personal commitment to believe in Jesus . So one day I just did it . I asked for Joe sat back thinking about what Sarah had just told him . He looked over at Sarah saying that he really appreciated her honesty with him and most of all her being true to herself and her beliefs . Taking her hand he stood up and pulled Sarah up with him . Putting his arms around her he embarrassed the moment as they held each other tight . Their lips came together as the passion rose and they kissed with a feeling that they both knew was special . Joe pulled back to tell Sarah he needed to get going , but Sarah just held him tight . She knew Joe was someone special and she didn 't want to let the moment stop . After another passionate embrace , Sarah took Joe 's hand as they started walking around the house towards Joe 's car . They talked a little as they walked hand in hand but mostly both were just feeling the love they were starting to experience . Joe kissed Sarah one last time as he was ready to get in his car and head home . Sarah said bye as she turned and started walking back to the house thinking about how much she liked Joe . She looked back with a smile and waved just as Joe drove off . Where is Joe 's mind ? Is it on God , Jesus , creation , evolution or is it Sarah ? Is Joe going to give in just to be with Sarah or will he really changed his opinion on evolution ? Share this : LinkedInFacebookGoogleEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in A regular Man 's faith , Building your faith , Caring , God , heart , Inspirational , Love , Religious Rules , Who am I ? \| Tagged believe , bible , Big Bang , body comfort , brain , comfort zone , Compasion , creation , dinosaurs , evolution , faith , God , how it all began , Influences , inspiration , Jesus , law of probability , Love , odds , question Joe headed back to his house to kill the next hour before going over to Sarah 's . Quickly changing out of his work clothes into something a little nicer , he sat down in his favorite chair , turned on the TV and was skipping around the channels when a dinosaur filled the screen . He had found the Discovery channel and they were airing a program on the history of dinosaurs . The first thing Joe heard was that 120 million years ago ……… . Hitting the pause button on the remote Joe looked at the ceiling and said : man is not 120 million years old , so why would I have a dream about being chased by dinosaurs that are ? He pressed play again and a few minutes passed as he was thinking about this one statement when he hit the channel button a couple times and stumbled on to a documentary showing a picture of a dinosaur track on top of a human track . Ok , this is just wild . The show was about some findings down in Texas . That 's it Joe thought to himself as he turned the TV off . He jumped out of his chair , grabbed his keys off the table and headed out the door . Checking the time he realized he had some time to kill before he went to Sarah 's , so he just sat there in the quiet of his car , closed his eyes letting his mind sort things out . Joe 's phone rang and quickly picking it up he could see it was Sarah . Are you still coming over ? We are almost ready to eat . Joe looked at his watch and discovered time had got away from him . I 'm sorry Sarah . I am on my way and will be their in a few minutes . Tell you more when I get there . Joe pulled up in front of Sarah 's house and quickly headed to the front door when Sarah opened it with a smile on her face . Well I thought you were going to play hooky from dinner also or was it that you don 't like to peel potatoes ? I would never play hooky when it was to see you Joe whispered as he gave Sarah a big hug . Come on in , dinner is on the table Sarah said with a grin . Hi everyone . Sorry I 'm late , Joe said to as he walked into the room and saw Sarah 's parents walking out of the kitchen with the last of the food . It was really nice that you inviting me to join you for dinner . I will help do the dishes to make up for being tardy . Oh my , I think I like this guy Sarah 's mom said as she smiled at her daughter . Come on let sit down and get started . They sat around the table and Sarah 's dad told Joe it was a custom for them to say grace before dinner and that they held hands while saying it . Sarah reached over and took Joe 's hand and her mom took his other . Joe 's heart was racing and he didn 't even hear the prayer except the amen when Sarah 's mom let go of Joes hand . Sarah and Joe continued to hold on as the electricity would not let go . Sarah 's dad picked up the dish of potato 's and passed them to Joe saying ; guest first . Thank you Joe replied as he let go of Sarah 's hand to take the dish . Before long they were all eating when Sarah 's dad said ; it 's really nice to have you join us for dinner Joe . Sarah talks about you sometimes , actually a lot sometimes , and has told us a little about you . We would like you to know that you are welcome at our house anytime . So what do you do for a living anyway . Well , I work in a shop where we build modular housing . We build the walls and floors in the shop and ship them to the building site where they are put together . Oh , I know that company . Is it Clifford Homes ? Sure is Joe replied . I have a friend that is one of the owners there . Ok dad , enough shop talk . I want to hear about Joe 's day off work today and what he was up too . I 'm not sure my day off work is a good topic for the dinner table Joe replied . Well it 's up to you Joe , but we always talk about our day over dinner sharing different stories and laughing at some of the craziness that happens Sarah 's mom added . Sarah jumped in saying ; you can feel comfortable talking about anything if you want . I have told them just a little about your crazy dreams , so they already know you are a little crazy . We can talk after dinner also . But mom and dad are great listeners and generally have some good help and advice Sarah said with a snicker on her face . Oh just generally Sarah 's mom replied as she laughed out loud . Everyone joined in the laughter adding to Joe 's comfort level with Sarah 's parents . Sarah 's dad broke the ice by looking at Joe and saying ; we want you feel comfortable and welcome in our home and just all us Carl and June if you would like too . Sarah 's dad continued saying ; from what Sarah has told us , you have some of the same issues I had when I was close to your age . I had big issues with this creation and evolution thing and I think we have better information now than we did back 25 years ago . I was so upset with the church I left it in the dust as I ran away . I was going to enjoy life and no one was going to make rules that were going to stop me . I don 't think I was a wild person ; I just liked to have a little fun . Many of the people in the church I was raised in were so - well let 's say high and mighty and hypocritical - I didn 't want anything to do with them . It took me a long time to realize that I was judging God by just a few people . I met June 's parents and they showed me what a real Christian was really all about . I learned that many of those man - made rules that some religious organizations put on their people are just that ; man - made . I don 't think I really ever stopped believing in God , I was just very upset with people who said they were Christian 's but acted like they weren 't most of the time . And then you add in all the hype about evolution - well let just say I kind of understand where you might be coming from . Did you ever have any dreams about dinosaurs Joe asked leaving the part about Sarah out ? Not that I can remember Joe . Just a lot of doubt , frustration , anxiety and a general dislike of man - made religious rules designed to control our thoughts and behaviors . Sarah reaching over and putting her hand on Joes arm said ; Dad , I never knew you had any issues with the church or the Christian religion . You have never talked about it . You have always made me feel positive about God and have never added any rules outside of the ones I have learned from the Bible . Well that is because I figured it out just after you were born and I vowed to help you see Christianity the right way . I wanted you to know what took me so long to figure out without going through the feelings and doubts I had . I wanted you to make your decisions based on what is written in the Bible . Joe looked over at Sarah saying you have some pretty cool parents . I guess some of us have some things in common no matter what we believe . Most people do have a lot in common Sarah 's dad replied . We just don 't realize it . We can get so caught up in our own thoughts and feelings that we can 't see the things going on around us . Well you both have made me feel welcome and Sarah , well you know … . Joe stopped as he was lost for words . Yes we like her too Joe , Sarah 's mom added . Joe looked at Sarah and said come on let 's get started with the dishes that I volunteered us to do . What do you mean us , Sarah said laughing . It wasn 't long and things were put away and dishes were clean . Sarah asked Joe if he would like to go out and sit on the deck . I really want to hear about your day she added . As they walked outside Joe reach for Sarah 's hand which she willingly gave him . She looked around and not seeing her parents watching she put her other arm around Joes neck , pulled him close and with her beautiful brown eyes looking into Joe 's , stood on her toes and gave Joe a kiss . Joe responded as he quickly pulled her even closer . They held each other tightly for a few moments before they made their way to the sofa on the deck . They just sat quietly for a while holding hands as they stared out at the sun set when Sarah said ; ok , tell me about your day . Is Joe changing his feelings about Christianity ? Is Sarah going to give into her feeling for Joe and allow herself to become Joes girlfriend in spite of their different beliefs ? Share this : LinkedInFacebookGoogleEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Awareness , Building your faith , Caring , Church awareness , Creation vs . Evolution , God , heart , Inspirational , Love , Making a difference , Relationships , Religious Rules , Who am I ? \| Tagged believe , bible , Big Bang , brain , comfort zone , Compasion , complacency , creation , dinosaurs , evolution , faith , God , how it all began , inspiration , Love , meaning of life , mental awareness What will Joe do with the information Dr . Bob gave him at their chance meeting ? Will he hang around and wait for Carol to take another break ? ______________________________________________ Joe sat at the bar and took another sip of his beer letting his mind continue to analyze the comments Dr . Bob had made when Carol walked up and asked if he would like another beer . I don 't think so . I need to go back home , get some sleep and be ready for work tomorrow morning Joe said smiling back at Carol . Well I thought you were going to update me on what has happened in your life Carol added . I would like to but I really need to get going . Well here 's a rain check with my new number on it , Carol smiled as she slid it across the bar to Joe . Give me a call if you ever want to get together . It would be fun . Joe tossed a twenty on the bar to pay his tab , picked up the paper Carol gave him saying it was great to see you again , stuffed it in his pocket and headed to his car . Joe got in his car , sat back in his seat , turned on the radio and turned his mind loose trying to understand everything that just happened . He smiled to himself remembering how much fun he and Carol have had but then he remembered Sarah and how she made him feel and Carol never had that effect on him . What am I doing Joe mind snapped ? Joe fired up his car and headed home arriving just in time to catch the latest sports update . He headed off to bed and after a short time was sleeping like a baby . The next morning came quickly as usual and Joe got up , showered , ate breakfast and headed to work . He was almost there when he pulled over to the side of the road , picked up his phone off the seat next to him and dialed the office number . A recording came on and said ; our office hours are between 8 and 5 Monday thru Friday . Please leave a message and we will call you back as soon as possible . Joe looked at his watch and it was only 7 : 45 am and quickly said ; this is Joe . I need to take a personal day today . Sorry for the late notice but I have something that has come up and I must take care of it . I will be back in tomorrow . Joe pulled a U - turn just as Tom drove by . Waving at him , Tom wonder where he was heading . He must have forgotten his tools or something . Joe headed back home , turned on his computer as soon as he walked in the door , started a fresh pot of coffee , and quickly started his search for answers . He searched the word " evolution " and found so much information he decided to change his search to " evolution vs . creation " . After reading several opinions he came across and advertisement for the book Evolution vs . Creationism : An Introduction and the statement from Edward J . Larson , The International Society for Science and Religion Library Project : … " an invaluable resource for those seeking to understand the American controversy over creationism and evolution from the perspective of an eloquent and knowledgeable partisan … offers an insightful overview of the American controversy over teaching evolution along with a representative sampling of short excerpts from both creationists and evolutionists . By reading it , teachers , parents , students and the public can be better prepared to answer creationist claims and defend the teaching of evolution " . Joe quickly logged into the library site to see if they had the book available . After seeing it was on the shelf he headed to the library to pick it up . He found the book on the shelf and taking it to a chair he sat down and started to read through the information . Skipping around from chapter to chapter he began to get a feeling that the evolutionary community had an agenda based on how the book seemed to give a foundation to exclude creationism . Joe sat back and remembered what Dr . Bob had said the evening before about the odds of evolution happening and how the Bible tells us a different story . Joe got up and headed back to the shelves and located a Bible and opened it up to the first book and read the first few chapters . So this is really what Sarah believes . What if she is right ? What if we were created ? What if some forms of evolution are real but it really all started with creation by God ? This could mean that what we are taught in school is one - sided and we have never been given the rest of the story allowing each of us to make up our own mind on the subject . If I wouldn 't have run into Sarah on the street that day , I wouldn 't even be investigating this . Joe leaned back in his chair and thought about the talks he and Sarah has had and also Dr . Bob . Then he remembered Tom and how he said you don 't want to become one of those people who can 't do anything fun do you . Joe got up and looked for a research book on the Bible . Finding one he opened it up and a paper fell out on the floor . Picking it up he started to read what was written on it . It was someone 's hand written " Rules of God " . The first is to Love your neighbor as yourself and second is to Love God with all your heart . It went on to say that one should follow the Ten Commandments because these were the rules laid down by God our creator . On the bottom of the paper he could see a note written in small letters that said ; why man has made up rules and then claim that they are from God - is wrong . Just follow the simple rules that will make one 's life great and this world would be a better place . Do unto others as you would have them do unto you ! Joe stood smiling to himself , his heart was racing and all he wanted to do was call Sarah . He wanted to tell her what he found and how he was beginning to understand how she believed and why . That just the simple rules of the Ten Commandments which are really what everyone should do anyway and that he felt that the evolutionary world had an agenda and a desire to teach their side of the topic only he was starting to understand . How the world would be a better place if people were loved and not manipulated . Joe put his books away and headed back to his car when he realized it was mid - afternoon already . Picking up his phone he called Sarah and she picked up after the first ring . Hi Joe , what 's happening ? Well I played hooky from work today and have been at the library again and oh yah I saw Dr . Bob last night at the Pub . I really want to tell you what I have found . Are you free after work today ? You played hooky Sarah responded with a laugh ? No , not really . I called in and took a personal day to see if I could come to grips with everything Joe quickly replied . Before Sarah could say anything Joe said I need to see you . Can I come over ? Well I am finishing up a project and getting ready to leave in about a half hour . Mom is planning on me to help her fix dinner tonight . Let me call her and see if she would mind if you join us . Can I call you back in a few minutes ? Sure . But I don 't want to intrude on your family dinner replied Joe . I am sure it would be just fine Joe . I just don 't want to spring it on her at the last minute . I will call you right back . While Joe sat in his car waiting for Sarah to call back , he closed his eyes and said ; God if you are real , if you really made everything we see and hear , if you have that kind of ability then why do you let people do the bad things they do . I need to understand what is your plan anyway ? If you are behind my dreams then I would like it if you would help me understand why and what you are trying to tell me but most of all just stop them . God please … . . Joe phone was ringing and it was Sarah . We are going to eat around six and mom told me she would love to have you come over . If you want to come on over in about an hour , you can help me peal potato 's . Ok , I will see you in an hour at your place . Joe is excited to tell Sarah about everything he has discovered , about his chance meeting with Dr . Bob , but will he tell her about his old girlfriend Carol ? Share this : LinkedInFacebookGoogleEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in A heartfelt prayer , A regular Man 's faith , Awareness , Building your faith , Caring , Church awareness , Creation vs . Evolution , God , heart , heart ache , Inspirational , Love , Making a difference , Memory , Religious Rules , Who am I ? \| Tagged age of the earth , believe , bible , Big Bang , comfort zone , Compasion , complacency , creation , dinosaurs , faith , Genetic changes , God , how it all began , Influences , inspiration , law of probability , Life events , Love , meaning of life , mental awareness , motivation , odds , questions , who am I , why am I here View original post 112 more wordsShare this : LinkedInFacebookGoogleEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in A heartfelt prayer , A regular Man 's faith , Awareness , Building your faith , Caring , God , heart , Inspirational , Love , Making a difference , Relationships , Who am I ? \| Tagged believe , bible , Compasion , complacency , faith , God , inspiration , life , meaning of life , mental awareness , motivation , who am I , why am I here Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Well I didn 't want to end the year on my blog with that depressing post from last week . Things actually got worse from there . The tummy bug hit Port pretty hard . First there was a day of high fever ( 105 at the highest ) and then there was a day of vomiting . I was thrown - up on more times than I care to recall and ended up doing multiple loads of laundry throughout the day . Port handled it really well , I have to say . He didn 't really cry much ; you could tell it freaked him out a bit , but he always recovered quickly . Thursday night we took a risk and took the boys to look at Christmas lights at a couple of local hot spots . Thankfully we didn 't have to get out of the car . Port was so distracted about the pretty lights that he did great . Of course , when we got home he threw up again a couple of times . Saturday , Christmas morning , was such a blessing . Port woke up excited and energetic and everyone else felt good too . There was no more vomiting , no more bad diapers and everyone could eat ! Yippee ! ! The boys were super excited about their gifts and I think Hubby got more play time out of the boys ' toys than they did ! I am so thankful for a beautiful Christmas day ! God is certainly good . We were able to enjoy the morning ; some enjoyed it a little too much ! We even made it to the inlaw 's place for dinner . I made my first ever brisket in the oven . It turned out pretty good but it looked horrible ! I am not sure how to make a brisket look pretty , but next time I attempt to cook one I will have to do a lot more research . So yes , Christmas was great ! I would like to wipe the couple of weeks leading up to it from my memory ( except for the time spent with family of course ) , but thankfully the big day was great . The rest of this week was awesome too - we got to spend more time with our family and Hubby and I even got 2 1 / 2 days of kid free time while the boys stayed with the inlaws just a few miles up the road . It was so nice to be able to have a couple of date nights ! I got a ton of work done and slept in for 3 mornings . Pure delight ! By Thursday though , the silence was getting to be too much and I missed my boys terribly . I had a family photo session that afternoon and left straight from the location to go pick up my boys . Port acted so strangely . When I showed up , I walked up to the house and he was playing in the living room . He could see me through the door and he was all smiles . The problem was , the door was locked and I couldn 't get in ( Grammy was in the back of the house and didn 't know I had arrived ) . My poor baby was twisting the door knob and trying with all his might to open the door and he couldn 't do it . I walked around to the back of the house to try the back door and it was locked too . By the time I got back to the front , my baby was in tears . Grammy finally heard the commotion and unlocked the door . Port cried and cried and clung to me for dear life . It was as if he had repressed all the sadness of me leaving a few days before and finally it all came to the surface when I returned . He wouldn 't let me out of his sight for the rest of the evening . When we got home , he didn 't want to go to bed and ended up screaming and crying for about 45 minutes before passing out . He was so exhausted , but didn 't want to sleep in his bed . We had a pretty good day today , and we decided to stay home tonight and have our usual low key New Year Eve . With so much that has happened in the last few weeks , I just really didn 't feel up to another night out . I cooked a bunch of snacky , finger foods for " dinner " and we all enjoyed a " feast " ( as Kiddo called it ) and the kids went to bed on time . Woot ! So tomorrow begins the new year and I am so excited at all that is on the horizon . I am ready to let go of the bad things that happened this year and start out fresh and positive . I have some great personal stuff coming up this year and also some really great business stuff too . I can 't wait to see what happens with everything and of course , share it all with you . I release and let go , ready to make the most of this present moment . As I reflect on the events of the past year , I recognize successes and failures , gains and losses . Each event has taught me something and made me wiser . Knowing this , I acknowledge and release the past year in gratitude . In contemplation of the coming year , whether I am excited or apprehensive , I know the spirit of God will empower me to meet every situation with confidence and strength . With this in mind , I release any concerns I may have about the future . Today I am ready to stand tall in this present moment . I appreciate the now , perfectly balanced between the blessings of the past and the promise of the future . This is the moment of power and action . I am ready ! He has made everything suitable for its time . - - Ecclesiastes 3 : 11 I was going to blog about how much baking I did last week and all the ingredients I went through - 16 pans ( give or take ) of cinnamon rolls uses up a lot of butter ( about 5 pounds ) , flour ( about 10 pounds ) and sugar ( about 5 pounds ) . It was fun though and I am having so much fun handing out pans to friends and family . I love cooking for people ! I was going to blog about my parent 's visit and how great it was . There was good food and presents and fun with a gingerbread house . But then . . . And then . . . Hubby went for a bike ride and stopped on the way home to do some last minute shopping , and returned to his car to find that his bike had been stolen . And if you recall , our car was * just * broken into a few weeks ago and his cell phone , a small radio and 2 light stands and umbrellas were stolen then . I am trying to piece together what is left of my holiday spirit , but I am finding it difficult to hold it all together . I see small , beautiful moments and lovely places in all the chaos . But in all I am pretty bummed and not feeling like I should . I need better glue . Kiddo ( 6yrs old ) : " What if someone put some gunpowder in a cannon , then put me in the cannon and shot me out of it , and I flew through the air over there to that Jack in the Box and crashed through the roof ? I would order a lemonade . And a cheeseburger . . . because I found some money and it was enough . . . " So yeah , my brain has left indefinitely . I have a feeling all the sugar I have been feeding myself lately has something to do with it - Brain just can 't handle the stuff and has gone on extended vacation until I do myself a favor and detox . Sorry , Brain , that probably won 't happen until after the holidays . On Tuesday I got pulled over on the way back from the grocery store . 47mph in a 40mph zone . " So Mrs . Fry , was there an emergency ? " Today was an absolutely splendid , gorgeous day . It was the kind of weather that draws you to the windows when you are inside , and once outside you can 't do anything but smile . It was the perfect temperature , had the perfect amount of sun and clouds , and a very gentle and unobtrusive breeze every now and then to move things around as gently as possible . My back started bothering me off and on a couple of days ago , and by this morning I was pretty much immobile for the better part of the morning . The more I sat , the stiffer and more painful it got , but if I tried to stand , I couldn 't straighten out enough to walk properly . What little movement I could do resembled something a bit like Tim Conway when he played the old man character from the Carol Burnett show . Yeah , it was fun . And of course , it was one of those days when Port won 't leave me alone and constantly wants to either sit on the couch or play on the floor . Both locations hurt me way worse than sitting in a chair . When Hubby got home I snuck out and tried to get some shopping done without the kids . I shuffled into the first store and for a good 30 minutes walked around in a hunched over , hand on the small of my back , old lady walk . The longer I walked , the straighter my back became . After about an hour and a half I was finally walking straight and the pain had decreased to almost nothing . 3 hours and 2 more stores later I returned home with nothing more than some Christmas gifts and that pesky burning sensation I get on the left side of my lower back when it 's bothering me . That , I can deal with . Last Saturday I woke extremely early and drove to Dallas to do a newborn photo session . It was hard getting up so early , but it was a fun drive there and back . I left before sunrise . Going through the Starbuck 's drive - thru when it was dark was nothing new , but usually my purchases occur at night , not in the wee hours of the morning . By the time I reached the freeway the sky was beginning to lighten . Don 't get me wrong , I did not think anyone would be interested in 30 - 60 second videos of me driving from Austin to Dallas , but it was still a fun thing for me to do . I ran into a lot of fog on the way . And then was blessed with a beautiful reminder of who is really in charge . Too bad I didn 't get the best picture of it . And eventually I arrived in Dallas . The session - well , it was difficult . That sweet baby girl did not want to rest for me . She was far too excited and wanted to stretch and look around and be held by mommy instead of laying like a little super model in my cozy blankets and pretty wraps . So , we tried all the tricks and I did what I could for 3 hours and then packed it up to head home . On the way out I stopped at a McDonalds just outside of town . It was brand new and beyond cool . Well , as cool as a McDonalds can be I guess . It had a play area for the kids inside that basically was just a few tables and 3 or 4 big screen game centers ( I guess they just decided to toss the whole , " pretending to be somewhat healthy " thing right out the window with the actual playscape ) . The kids can sit in front of the screen and play different games . There were also tall tables in the dining area with the same big screens for the adults to play with . But I think the best thing about the restaurant was the sign at the door . After being on the road for a while , the day started to wear on me . I tried singing , recording myself singing , videoing myself singing , running through the radio stations , anything I could think of and still the road was lulling me to sleep . Thankfully I received a few well times voice mails and phone calls and thanks to my friends I made it to the next Sonic I could find for a much needed Coca Cola pick - me - up . I recorded this last video , and decided to turn the camera on myself . Why ? I have no idea . I had been up since before 5AM and had spent , at that point , about 6 hours in the car . Please excuse how tired and awful I look . Yeah I don 't drink Dr . Pepper anymore . That is a story for another time I suppose . I am so excited . If you remember , back in August of 2009 I ventured up to Dallas for a few days to hang out with the amazing Rachel Anne Ridge of Home Sanctuary fame . She and I worked together on a book project of hers and I had an absolutely amazing time . Well , after lots of life and other responsibilities got in the way , the project was put on hold . However , I was so pleased to find out a couple of months ago that things were back in motion , and just last night I received the news . The book is finished ! ! I am so incredibly honored and humbled to be a part of this . My role was very small , but the end result is so awesome . I really hope that the book is amazingly popular for Rachel ; she is so deserving of great success . To see the story of how the book came to be , you can read today 's Company Girl Coffee post . If you would like to order a copy of the book for yourself or a friend , you can click here . It would make an awesome Christmas gift for all the girlfriends in your life . The story is precious , the pictures are beautiful and the sentiment is uplifting and joyous . I hope you enjoy it . I know I will treasure my copy forever . The day started out bright and early , about 30 minutes before my alarm was to sound , when I pulled a sleepy Port on top of me in the bed . He was warm and snuggly and went right back to sleep , as did I . It was only 30 minutes later that I discovered the reason he was so warm ; he was wet . About 30 minutes after dropping Kiddo off at school I received a call from the nurse . Kiddo had fallen in his classroom and landed head first on to the back of a chair . The nurse ( a substitute for the regular nurse ) told me that they had 4 head injuries yesterday and that Kiddo 's was way worse and she asked me to come pick him up . I was a little perplexed at why a bump on the head was enough to send him home , but the nurse knows best , right ? He wasn 't bleeding , his pupils were not dilated and he had not thrown up . But she wanted him to go home and rest . When I walked into the nurse 's office , my brave little guy began to cry . But it wasn 't because he was hurt or even because he looked like this . . . On the way home though , he figure out that going home could be a good thing after all . He told me that when you feel bad you get to sit on the couch and watch tv all day . And as soon as we got home he stripped off his school clothes and put his jammies back on . Anyway , he seems to be fine . He had a little headache for a while but some Tylenol took care of that . The bump is bruising up nicely and will be the star of the show when we take our family portraits this weekend . Whee ! I took the boys to Sonic during our afternoon snack time and allowed Kiddo to get a root beer float . On the way there , Port was excitedly exclaiming " hooray ice cream ! ! " over and over . When we pulled into the parking space to order , I turned around to find him sound asleep . Whoops ! Kiddo and I still enjoyed our treat ( cheddar peppers for me ) , and baby brother got his later when we got home . Twice today Kiddo has asked me if we could go on a " money walk " . According to him , a money walk is when you go for a walk and look for money lying on the ground . He said that is people need money they can just go on a money walk and pick up all the coins they need off the ground . Geeze it feels like we skipped November entirely ! I can 't believe December is here already . It 's time to really get moving , get stuff done and take on all the extra that comes in preparing for the holidays . I need to trim the hedges out front so we can put up lights , clean out the house a lot more so there is room for decorations inside , and do all the extra cleaning that goes into having people come to visit . For almost 2 solid weeks around Christmas we will have family in town . It will be a crazy time for sure . And of course I need to get on with all the baking and such that I am prone to do . I will be making several batches of home made cinnamon rolls in various flavors , coconut balls and Christmas cookies galore . I waaaay overdo things around the holidays . It 's already started ; last week I made a banana pudding and this week I will be making an apple pie ( due to some fruit I bought for Thanksgiving week and then accidentally left at home ) . I suppose we have to work our way into the sugar frenzy . As I mentioned yesterday , the holiday music has already made it 's appearance in the house . I have loaded up my phone with my entire collection and it has brought me such joy . Something else came across my facebook feed today that I wanted to share . It brought me to tears ( though I cry at everything ) . This , in my opinion , is the best kind of flash mob . . . It is the last day of NaBloPoMo , the last day of November . I can 't believe we are already this far along in the year and so close to Christmas . I am still neck deep in editing and orders and deliveries , and I still need to get my own family photos made and a holiday card designed , ordered and sent out . I already feel like I am behind the game and December 25th is looming ever closer over my head . I wish I could muster some happy happy today , but to be perfectly honest I am pretty stressed out and feeling blue . I 'm not sure what has come over me . The boys were being whiny ( though they are playing together really well right now ) and it is just adding to my stress and frustration . I am feeling very stifled lately . I 'm not sure how to describe it , other than that . I feel like I have so much to say and I can 't say it . I feel like I can 't be myself right now and I really want to . I am so busy , and it is a good thing for sure , but the weight of my responsibilities is sort of crushing my spirit at the moment . I am sure it is only temporary , but it hurts nonetheless . I feel like I can 't breathe sometimes . It is that horrible feeling that makes one daydream of packing a bag and running away for a while . Shoot , sometimes I don 't even want to pack . I want to be irresponsible and grab a credit card and just have some fun . I want to make everything right for once - fix all that is broken and replace all that needs replacing . Thankfully I can now safely listen to Christmas music without too much ridicule so I do have some relief . The songs remind me of no particular person , event or stage in my life like most do , but only of happiness and family and God . I have had Frank , Bing , Elvis and others in my ears all day and it is wonderful . Until Port runs up to me and screams , " Mummai , no SINGING ! " Anyway , a couple of the things were pretty basic . Some of the things on there are for the boys , so my comments were general . Then I filled out the comments on some of my things . And I noticed that all of my comments went something like , " mine broke / fell apart / wore out so I need another one " . How sad . lol ! I guess I am dealing with a lot of broken things right now . Stuff , people , hearts . . . sometimes it is all overwhelming . And today I am feeling the weight , especially in the people and hearts category . There is so much sadness in this world . Every day there are people out there that do good deeds that go unnoticed , or worse it seems it 's all for naught . But I have to keep reminding myself that there is good in everything . Even if the outcome seems bad , somewhere along the way lives were affected , people changed , memories made . And when sad things happen I have to look beyond the immediate and search for the bigger meaning in it all . We are all broken . We are all messed up in one way or another . And life is a constant battle between doing the good that is naturally in our hearts and giving in to the also naturally occurring anger , the sin and the defeat that we face in so many aspects of our lives . When bad things happen we want to give up , give in and stop doing the good . Because it seems so pointless sometimes . But you just never know how your actions affect the world . Life is much bigger than all of us . I firmly believe that good brings about good , always . As I am writing this , Howie Day is playing on Pandora - the song is Collide . The lyrics identified by my brain , cutting through all the noise in there . . . You and I collideWhen taken completely out of context of the song as a whole , it kind of illustrates my point . And that is , no matter the good we do , the effort we put in or how successful our efforts seem , sometimes bad things happen . Things that don 't make sense suddenly are the truth . And even if it shakes you and tears your world apart , in a bigger way that we may not even understand , the good has still been done . And in that good , we collide . Only 3 more days left of NaBloPoMo and maybe then I can get back to posting something a bit more interesting . The good thing about this , I guess , is that is has me " writing " every day , even if it is only for 5 minutes just before midnight . I had an amazing newborn session this morning ! The baby boy was 15 days old and super sweet . He let us maneuver him every which way for a good hour and a half before he got hungry or even showed the slightest signs of annoyance . He didn 't want to do every pose we tried , but he did most of them pretty well . I was absolutely amazed at how well the boys played together for the rest of the afternoon today . They got along so well ! They spent a good part of the afternoon running in and out of the house , making up all these silly games . Then Kiddo decided that they were going to put on a " show " for Hubby and I . So after dinner ( in the pitch blackness of the back yard ) Kiddo drug us out on the back porch and they did their performance . It was so cute - it mostly consisted of Kiddo running around and making things up while Port copied everything he did . It was pretty cute ! Kiddo had set up a bunch of " obstacles " that he ran around and jumped on a few times , and then he played some sort of frisbee game then he ended the whole show with a song and dance number . We were cracking up the whole time . When he finished the song , Port took over and started singing the theme song from the Cat in the Hat show on PBS . That was hilarious ! I am sitting here tonight eating some banana pudding . This is a fantastic recipe ! I usually just make banana pudding with nilla wafers , bananas and well , pudding . I never would have thought to add anything to that . But holy moly , adding cream cheese ? ! ? ! Genius ! Anyway , we came home today after a very long 4 day trip and I am just flat out exhausted . I had to make banana pudding tonight because I accidentally left a huge bunch of bananas here instead of taking them on the trip like I had planned . Port eats bananas a lot - they are one of the few things he will eat on a regular basis so I try to keep some in the house at all times . I left the bananas and the other fruit I bought for him ( grapes and apples ) here and when we got back today the whole bunch was on the verge of being too ripe . My freezer is already full of over ripe bananas that I will someday use for banana bread , but I didn 't want to toss these in there too so I made the pudding . So yummy ! It was fun visiting with the family but I am so glad to be home . I don 't much care for living out of a suitcase ( or in this case a duffel bag . I don 't own a suitcase ! ) . Tomorrow I get to spend the better part of my morning with a beautiful newborn boy as I am doing a newborn session . I am so excited ! I also have another newborn session in Dallas coming up sometime in the next week or so . Some day I will have a chance to sit down and breathe . I am thinking it will be sometime around February . Tonight Hubby and I had the opportunity to get out by ourselves for a little bit . We headed down to the local mall and took a short walk in the freezing cold . Then we ended up at the Cheesecake Factory afterward for something warm to drink and yummy to eat . I was checking my Facebook on my phone and saw that there was a recent flash mob on 6th street . Hubby didn 't know what a flash mob was , so I looked up a couple of YouTube videos for him to watch . Today we took a 4 + hour drive to visit family in southern Louisiana . Hubby rode in a car with my inlaws and my brother in law , and my sister in law , my boys and the dog rode with me . The drive over was nice - I got to spend some good quality time talking with my sis - in - law , and it was a refreshing change from traveling with the Hubby . I am sure the other car with the inlaws was alive with conversation as well . We arrived at our destination , and after a quick check in with our hosts , we ventured down the road to visit for a bit with Hubby 's grandmother . She was in pretty good humor , but didn 't want to come have lunch with the family . We made it back to our cousin 's house for lunch . Of course , the food was great . After a few hours visit we got back on the road to come home . Hubby rode with the boys and I on the way back . We actually drove into a cold front and at one point and watched the temperature gage drop 9 degrees instantly . Over the next 30 minutes it dropped continuously for a total of 27 degrees . It was crazy how quickly it dropped . So I don 't know if today will be much better . I just have so much swirling around in there that I don 't really know what to blog about . And with it being Thanksgiving and all the stress , travel , planning and reflection that involves , I am left in a very strange mental state ; a balancing act between trying to be present and in the moment and still deal with the gravity of life and relationships and everything else that is brought to the forefront this time of year . I am so thankful for so many things . We are blessed in an immeasurable number of ways , and I simply am in complete awe that we are so fortunate . I know I complain a lot , but you have to know that deep down I can see the bigger picture . I know how lucky I am and how much worse it could be . I still live an amazing life . I have a wonderful family , the best job I could ever hope for and so many unbelievably wonderful friends who are perfect for me in so many ways . My friends . I don 't know how I would survive without them . It 's funny , I have friends that I talk to every day , others that I converse with a few times a month , and others that I only interact with a few times a year . And they are all so special to me , each in their own way . What I find so amazing is that no matter which friend I am with and no matter what situation I am in , that friend always knows the exact right thing to say . Time is a funny thing . We may follow a clock , a watch or the display on our phones , but we are never really on the same time with each other . Because we each live in our own present , we , in many ways , anticipate what others will think and feel and do once they catch up with our thoughts and our actions . We write a letter or address something as simple as a Christmas card , and instantly we are in the future . We envision the recipient receiving it and we see in our minds their reaction . We can see it clear as day ; the opening of the letter or the email , gazing at the picture on the card we picked out and we can see the smile on someone 's face . Or their tears . Or their anger . Living in the moment is so hard . We plan for the future , we plot our next move , we look forward and prepare for things to come . And meanwhile someone else is living in the same time as you , doing similar things and their reality may or may not include you without you ever knowing it . It can be confusing and difficult when those realities collide . In such a technology based world we are in better sync than ever . And yet in some ways I think it is worse because we can get ahead of ourselves . We 've taken the surprise out of surprises - the " heads up " is the way to communicate and keep everyone in the know . Sometimes something very special and endearing about life is lost in this " instant communication " world . So , I know I complain a lot , but I really don 't like to . It 's just sometimes things are easier to deal with if I can share my feelings with others . Most of the time I find someone who has been there before that can sympathize with me or at least say , " Hey , I 've been there . It will get better . " or even " Hey , I 've been there and it sucked . " It makes me feel better to know I am not alone . But I try not to complain all the time . At least I try not to whine about things . But today , man today I feel so bad for my Hubby . And for our situation right now . And just in general . I have mentioned a few times how everything seems to be breaking around here . The washer is now possessed - working just fine sometimes and refusing to agitate at others . I haven 't a clue what is going on with that thing . I came home from my awesome weekend to find that the door handle on our microwave spontaneously broke . It basically has pulled away from the door and bowed out , making it very difficult to open and shut the door . The good thing is we actually have 2 microwaves in the kitchen , and another in the closet that we don 't use , but the one that broke is the one above the stove and not exactly something that is easy to remove and replace . And , it is the one I use all the time because it is at * my eye level and I can see everything in it better . I don 't like the other one . But beggars can 't be choosers I suppose . Something I haven 't mentioned here is that it is very likely that my husband will lose his job at the end of the year . I can 't really go into details because nothing is official , but that seems to be the way things are headed and so we are trying to prepare for the inevitable . The housing market as we all know , really , really stinks right now , and since he is in that field it is pretty unlikely that he will be able to secure employment elsewhere any time soon . So , we are preparing for him to start working on his own , and are trying to secure the things he needs to do that effectively . We purchased a new desktop computer and are setting up our spare room as an office just for him . Otherwise , we are on a spending freeze until . . . well , probably forever . But then today happened - oh JOY ! Hubby went for a bike ride and was attacked by a dog while he was riding the trail . The dog ( a vicious black lab , by the way * eyeroll * ) bit his ankle pretty good ; he 's got three puncture holes . The car had been broken into . The passenger side window was smashed and his phone and a portable radio were gone . Thankfully they didn 't find his wallet , which was also in the car , and they left his very expensive bike wheels in the back . The glove box had been ransacked - not sure what they were looking for , but they certainly made a mess doing it ( now that I think about it , they were probably looking for the wallet ) . Sooooooooo - we had insurance on the phone , but the deductible was still $ 50 ( for them to replace it with a different , poorly rated phone ) and the window is going to cost about $ 90 to replace . I probably don 't need to mention how much we can 't afford this . grrr Tonight we recorded our weekly Musing Mommies podcast , and of course , this episode was about the things we are thankful for . Surprisingly , it wasn 't too hard to come up with some blessings . Even in all the crap , the day to day stuff that happens and gets me down , I know that things are still good . Life is good . Family is good . Friends are good . God is good . And faithful . And I know He is watching over us and taking care of us . No matter what is thrown at us , we will come out of it ok . Reminding myself that God is still good . Always . I had such a great couple of days this weekend . The drive to Dallas was very fun . It was so great to get to know my friend and very talented photographer , Allen , a little better . When we work together , we don 't get to sit and chat too much , so it was nice to have some quiet time to discuss all sorts of things . And discuss we did ! I am pretty sure there were only a handful of subjects we didn 't cover . The portrait session I helped him with that afternoon went smoothly . The vineyard we shot at was pretty , even though it was right off the freeway . That whole area would be a good place for a portrait session - there were some very nice office buildings across the street that would make for a nice backdrop as well . The winery building was small but beautiful and had some great areas to shoot in . And of course , there were the grape vines . This time of year the grapes are gone ( or in some cases , shriveled on the vine ) and the vines are beginning to yellow and dry out . But the rows still gleamed in the sun and made for a great photo op . Friday evening after the shoot I met up with one of my dear friends from high school . We had dinner at Olive Garden ( yum ! ) and had a chance to chat a little on the drive home ( and a little more while circling the neighborhood just so I could finish my story ! haha ! ) . Once back at her place and after her kiddos were in bed , we all hung out on the couch , watched a little tv and played on our respective iPhones ! lol ! It was fun ! Saturday morning we got up and ventured out to a beautiful shopping center not far from their home and did a family photo shoot . It was so much fun running around the pretty shops before everything opened for the day . A huge Christmas tree was already up and decorated , the grounds were immaculate and the whole thing was perfect for a session . After more visiting and lunch , Allen picked me up for the wedding . We headed over to the church and then were called to come out to the bride 's home where the bridal party was getting ready . We shot some there and Allen left to find the guys . I rode with the bride and her maids in the HUGE limo out to the church . That was such a trip ! I have never been in a limo that big before . The girls got dressed at the church . There were a couple of pretty tense moments when the bride discovered she didn 't have the chapstick she was addicted to , and when they were trying to get her into her dress . The zipper was a little messed up and the dress was pretty snug , so it took about 10 minutes to actually get her zipped up . I felt so bad for her ; she was on the verge of panic for quite a while . Thankfully everything worked out ; a groomsman was able to run to Dillards for the chapstick and the zipper eventually cooperated . The ceremony went off without a hitch , and I got to shoot with a 5D Mark II and a beautiful 200 mm lens . About 10 minutes into the ceremony , Allen sent me over to the reception site to get detail shots . The reception was at the winery and it was soooo beautiful when they had it all set up . The tables were tight - they were seating 325 people in a room that really was more suited for about 250 tops . It was very difficult to get between the tables . But , we had so much fun and the reception was a blast . The couple left to a shower of sparklers that lit up the parking lot so beautifully . I got to stand up on the bumper of the limo and take some overhead shots of the getaway , taking in all the guests , sparklers and a running bride and groom . Allen and I decided to drive back home that night , and we got on the road a little after 11PM . In order to keep each other awake , we talked the whole time . I did pretty good most of the way , but I really fought falling asleep for the last hour or so . My eyes were crossing even though Allen was talking to me . He did great driving and didn 't seem tired at all . We got back to my house a little before 3AM and then of course I was wide awake . It took me about an hour to settle down and go to sleep , and I was so thankful this morning that the kids didn 't know I was home so they left me alone and I was able to sleep in . Hubby took them to church so I could rest , but it left the house too quiet so I used the time instead to take a shower in peace , clean up a bit and vacuum the floors . So much for resting ! It was a great weekend , but I am totally beat . My whole body hurts , I have a headache and I am still fighting dozing off . So I will wrap up this incredibly boring blog post and call it a night . We are on our way home from Dallas . It 's going to be a pretty long drive back . The wedding was so much fun ! I have a ton to talk about , but it is very difficult to do this on the road . Have a wonderful weekend ! So face time to me is priceless . Sitting across the table from someone , or next to them in the car , or together on their couch - it is my favorite time with friends . And so I will soak it up while it lasts . Hope you have a great weekend ! I thought yesterday 's 4 : 30 wake up call was bad enough , but when the screaming started this morning at 2 : 30 , I would have given anything for a couple more hours of sleep . I tried to ignore him ; I paced the floor for several minutes thinking he would just settle down and go back to sleep . But when I went back into the hallway for the 3rd or 4th time to listen , I noticed that not only was he crying hysterically , he was actually out of bed and at the door . I don 't know what happened with his diaper . And I really don 't know where all that pee came from , but he was a mess . And he was freezing . Poor guy . I got him cleaned up and dry and warm and there was no where to put him because his bed was soaked too so we went to the couch . He fell back to sleep relatively quickly , and I laid there most of the night under him , listening to the annoying whirring sound the dvd player was making . I had forgotten to turn it off when we went to bed . Getting Kiddo to school this morning was trying ; he was moving slow and I had no patience from the lack of sleep . But we made it , and once back home I was thankful when Port wanted to play outside for most of the morning . I 've been falling asleep at my desk all day . Everything was going as well as could be expected until I heard Port crying out on the back deck . I walked out to find him standing on the step , with his pants and diaper halfway down his legs . The fantastic part was that he had pooped first ! Woo hoo ! This afternoon the boys were playing in the back yard and had a fight and Kiddo threw a big wooden steak at Port and hit him in the head . It left a nice goose egg and a little busted spot . Seriously , what is with that ? Do you remember when he threw a rock at Port 's head ? ? On a good note , I am leaving tomorrow for a weekend in Dallas to shoot a family session for one of my clients and a wedding with Allen . Thankfully I am riding with him so I don 't have to worry about driving . I am so excited to see my friend and her family and do the session for her . It should be a wonderful and fun weekend . . . if I can stay awake ! Well , interesting by a mommy 's standards I guess . Port woke me up at 4 : 30 crying hysterically . I don 't know what his deal was , but we ended up on the couch . I could sooooo close my eyes right here in my chair right now and fall into a beautiful , blissful deep sleep . Then I find out that Hubby got rear - ended on the way to work . Thankfully it was just a tap , but the guy hit the rack on the back end that is bolted to the frame of the car . So , there could be unseen damage to the frame . Joy . Then , the clothes washer decided to stop agitating . And my computer has crashed twice today , and this is after the monitor went out on me temporarily yesterday . I picked up Kiddo from school and he informed me that he left his one and only jacket on the playground today and he * thinks * it will be in the lost and found tomorrow . I am trying to keep up the momentum on the house clean out . I haven 't really done much more , but the wheels in my head are still turning and plans are being made . My goal is to try to donate as much as I can and preferably do it to places other than Goodwill . I do think Goodwill is a good organization and it is very easy to make donations there , but I kind of want to do something more - I want some of there things to go directly to people in need , rather than into a store where anyone can walk in and buy it . For example , one of the local dry cleaning companies is collecting coats for kids , so I am planning on cleaning out our coat closet and donating our old coats there . I want our unnused clothes and baby items to go to a shelter or a children 's home . Of course , I will try to sell a few things too if I can , because in this process of purging one of my goals is to turn our spare room back into an office for Hubby . Part of our office clutter problem is that we don 't really have any shelving or storage solutions for all our office supplies and equipment . If I can make a few bucks selling some of our stuff , that money will go toward a few shelving units and some boxes and organizational items . Another area that needs a good purging is the boys room . I really need to get in there and clean out all the outgrown clothes and toys . There is so much stuff just piling up because there is no where to put it out of the way . I am trying to keep my eyes open for a place to recycle magazines and phone books . I will try to sell some of the trade magazines we have to Half Price Books , but I am pretty sure they won 't want back copies of Rachel Ray and Real Simple . ; - ) So those will have to go to recycling . I read online that you can actually compost old phone books as long as you remove the pages with colored ink and plastic covers . I am not sure how I feel about the yellow paper though - surely there is some sort of dye in that , right ? I really don 't want all that being infused into my vegetable garden . I am sure that the ink isn 't much better either . Another day , another post forgotten until it 's too late for me to think . I promise to be more on top of things tomorrow . Today just had too many errands , whiny kids , dirty dogs , smelly diapers and dirty dishes . I pulled up to Kiddo 's school today to pull into my usual parking spot so I could pick him up and as soon as I turned off the car my phone rang . It was the school nurse . The moment she told me who she was , my heart stopped . Kiddo was in her office , but thankfully it was only for a bump on the head . He got hit with a locker door and has a pretty good little goose egg on his forehead . I am so thankful that my first call from the nurse did not involve epi pens or medical assistance . * shew ! * I cannot count the number of times in my life I have wished there was a way to record all the thoughts in my head . I get to thinking about something and is swirls around and swirls around and works itself out to the point that it sounds so good - and of course at that moment the thoughts are perfect and I have no way of getting them out of my head and in written or recorded form . It is frustrating . Often I think of things so deeply that even if I can sit down to write , I can 't make it come out the right way . Or the thoughts are so complex with so many layers that I couldn 't possibly express them in a way that makes sense . I am not trying to say I am highly intelligent or anything , but my thoughts sometimes go into great detail that I find fascinating to me . And based on the response I get from my blog readers and the podcast listeners and my other various outlets , I am sure there is an audience that would appreciate them . But it kills me that they may never be heard . I need you to just get in my head and sit around there for a while , listening and looking at the pretty pictures my thoughts create . I think it would be interesting . I know that at some point technology will find a way , but for now I have to sit down at the computer each day and desperately try to remember what it was I wanted to talk about and how to say it . And so many times , while I am doing something else , I find myself thinking of the perfect post from start to finish and then I sit down to write it and with the click of the first keys , poof ! It is gone . That is how this post came to be . It was perfect in my head when I was standing in the kitchen making Kiddo 's lunch a minute ago , and when I finished that and sat down to write I couldn 't remember a darn thing about what I wanted to say , except for the part about getting in my head . I should have been recording a voice memo into my phone while I was making his sandwich . For tonight though , I will let you in on a little corner of my brain . It 's over there to the left , where the jukebox is sitting . Today 's selection has been playing on repeat all day . It came up on my iPhone shuffle this morning and has been with me ever since . Where I Stood , Missy Higgins For months I fought the dinner time battle with Port . He is an extremely picky eater , and so every night I would serve him up a plate of what we were having and every night I would toss the same plate of food in the trash because he wouldn 't eat it . Every night we fought with him about sitting at the table , and 9 times out of 10 he would end up crawling all over me while I was trying to eat my meal . And you know , parenting is all about picking your battles . I got to the point that I didn 't want this one anymore . I also realized that part of the problem is that Port still isn 't really on our schedule when it comes to eating . I can regulate breakfast and lunch , but he was still hungry every night around 5PM . Unfortunately , that is right when I am either cleaning the kitchen or just starting dinner ; there is no way that I could have dinner ready that early . And it doesn 't make sense to do that as a family - Hubby is never home from work that early . I even give the boys a big snack when Kiddo gets home from school . It still didn 't change the fact that Port is ready to eat at 5 every day . And if I don 't let him eat anything at 5 in the hopes that it will make him really hungry when supper is ready , it always backfires on me . Either he bugs me and cries and stays underfoot the whole time I am making dinner , or he works himself into a tizzy by the time dinner is ready . So , a couple of months ago I stopped trying to conform him to our schedule . I feed him what he wants at 5 ( usually a hot dog , cheese , sandwhich or nuggets ) and then at dinner time I give him vegetables and fruit that I know he will eat . Many times it is nothing more than a banana and some carrots or grapes , and some times it is a banana , some carrots and grapes . haha . * cough * I said he was a picky eater . No seriously though , he will also eat apples and pears , raisins , cranberries , cherries , strawberries , and blueberries . Occasionally I will give him some beans if we are having them , or chicken and okra when that is what 's for dinner . And let me tell you , it 's not perfect or ideal , but it is sooooo much better ! He doesn 't always stay at the table , but he does sit long enough to eat something . And I don 't have to worry so much about wasting the food anymore . I wish he would try more foods and be more open to tasting stuff , but right now I don 't have enough energy to fight him on it . Later on , when he is older and better at communicating , I will try to get him to taste new things . Tomorrow marks the beginning of the craziest time of the year for me . I have 3 photo sessions this weekend , next weekend I will be in Dallas for a couple of days shooting a family session and a wedding , and I have 2 sweet mommas who 's babies are due on the 15th . I will be working in newborn sessions for them both . I am so blessed to be able to do all of this and I am excited about it even though it will be pretty stressful . This is nothing new of course , it is always the busiest time of the year . I just have to keep reminding myself to take it all one step at a time , one day at a time , and to do what I can , when I can . It will all get done and I will have so much fun along the way . In the fall of 1999 I graduated from college . Finally . After many , many semesters of floundering , changing my mind , and failing classes , I finally got my head together long enough to finish up a major in vocal music education and get myself a degree . I took my EXCET exam , barely passed , and was awarded with all level general music education certification . Getting married in the spring of ' 99 really helped ; at that point all I wanted to do was finish something , anything , and have that accomplishment . I didn 't want to drop out and have all that time and money be a waste , and I was concerned about having something that could potentially get me a nice job if I needed it . See , even though music has always been my passion , teaching music never was . But , heavily influenced by my family and friends , it was what I studied in college anyway . And I guess , to me it was more about filling the need , the primal desire to sing , that kept me in the program . Singing was all I ever wanted to do , and I took the opportunity to do it in the only capacity I felt I could . And all of this is not to say that I never enjoyed teaching - my student teaching experience was really fun and I did enjoy it immensely . But I never had an excitement about it unless I was right there in the thick of it . I didn 't want to do it if I didn 't have too . Of course , the hours didn 't help either - have I mentioned before that I am not a morning or a scheduled person ? ? Yeah , that was a HUGE disadvantage to teaching . Hubby and I sort of had a desire to move to Austin . If we had to stay in Texas it was the only place we could really see us living , so I started researching school districts in that area . I was told by several people that the Round Rock school district was one of the best , and from what I could tell the pay scale was slightly higher than the other districts . It seemed like fate when that spring an elementary school music teacher position in a Round Rock school opened up , so I sent in my little , pathetic , blank resume . When they called me in for an interview , I put on my most teacherly attire and drove the 3 + hours from Huntsville to Austin . I pulled into the parking lot of a school I had never been too , in a city I had only dreamt about and sat in my car for a few moments to collect my thoughts . A teaching job wasn 't really what I wanted , but it made sense and it would provide us with some security so it was the most logical choice . I loved working with the elementary aged kids when I did my student teaching and I felt that level best fit my personality and inexperience . So I went in to the school , totally aced the interview ( they LOVED me ) and then I came back to my car . I sat in the space and stared at the wood fence that lined the parking lot . It was done . Either they would offer me the job or they wouldn 't . I prayed for God 's will and drove back to Huntsville . I had the weekend to think it over and make a decision , so Hubby and I once again drove to Austin to look for housing . This was way before the internet made shopping on line for housing easy , so we had to make the long drive . We spent all day Saturday looking at dumpy apartment after dumpy apartment and then drove back on Sunday looking at dumpy house after dumpy house . We returned to Huntsville Sunday night exhausted and weary . There just wasn 't anything that we could afford on a teacher 's salary . We couldn 't take into account Hubby 's potential salary because we weren 't even sure he could find a job right away . So on Monday when the school called me back for an answer , I turned them down . Something about it was so easy , and yet I knew that that decision would change the trajectory of my life forever . I never went into public school teaching , and instead Hubby and I uprooted everything we knew and moved to Arizona the next summer to start a totally new life together . I haven 't thought about that school or that decision in years . I couldn 't even remember the name of the school or where it was . And in my mind , it was almost as if the whole thing was a dream . It really didn 't even exist in that " former " life of mine . So much has changed since then . Last night , I pulled into the parking lot of an elementary school in Austin . I was there to judge an art competition for the students participating in the Reflections Art Program . I pulled in a parking space and looked up at a wooden fence surrounding the lot . Port woke me up this morning with his diaper in his hand . The boys have been getting up earlier since the time change - it 's not as bad as some of my poor friends , but I certainly don 't like being woken up before my alarm goes off . I suppose it is pretty nice when I am greeted with a sweet smiling by and a gentle " good mownin mumma " . But when the wake up is an open wet diaper tangled in a pair of pajama bottoms sitting on my chest , it doesn 't exactly start my day off right . I don 't care to get up before my alarm either , because it leaves us too much time to get ready in the morning . And if there is downtime I get sleepy . I like to get up and keep moving until we are out the door . But anyway , I suppose it could be worse . The other night when I was out with my girlies , I recalled a story I never blogged that you might be interested in reading . It was from our vacation to Arizona a couple of years ago . If you are new around here or don 't remember , Hubby and I took the boys on a 2 week long trip to Flagstaff for our annual family vacation with the inlaws . Kiddo was almost 4 and Port was only 4 months old . I blogged the first few days of the trip but I am pretty sure I never finished it out . { on a side note , I titled almost all of them with the songs from Ralph Vaughan Williams ' Songs of Travel . I thought it was pretty brilliant . . . ;-) } To refresh your memory ( or get you up to speed ) , we drove to Arizona , stayed in Flagstaff for about a week and then drove back . We were packed into our little CRV and towed a trailer with the stuff that didn 't fit in the car . Port was still very new , and thankfully sleepy , and I was pumping 8xs a day to feed him . On the drive there and back , we traveled pretty unplanned ; that is , we didn 't really reserve hotel rooms or anything along the way . We basically landed where we did , found a hotel and would stay the night . We stayed in a few dumps and a few pretty cool places along the way . On the way back home we were in New Mexico ( I think ) and had come to the point that we were ready to stop for the night . We started looking for a hotel and it just happened to be time for me to pump again . I had no problem pumping in the car , but since we were so close to stopping I decided to hold off until we found a place to stay . We found a seemingly ok Motel 6 ( they are always a crap shoot - sometimes decent , sometimes awful ) and decided it had the best rate that we were going to find in that area . Being the end of the trip , we were a little tapped out financially and really wanted to save some money . So we stopped , paid for the room and then towed the kids up to our room . As we walked through the hotel grounds , I was disturbed by one , the sheer volume of people staying there , and two , the overwhelming smell of pot cuh huh We went in our room and it became very clear that we would never be comfortable there ; with all of the loud ruckus in the pool and the doorways of other rooms , there was no way we could rest . So , Hubby went back down to get us out of the room ( and get our money back ) and we decided to try the Motel 8 across the street . It looked pretty nice ; it had much newer construction and a very tall fence around the perimeter of the property . The lobby looked like something out of a 5 star luxury hotel and when we walked into the room - AMAZING ! It was so beautiful ! I was so relieved to be somewhere comfortable , quiet and nice ! The room itself was set up in a pretty unusual way . When you walked in the door , the bathroom with toilet and shower was to the right . Walking in lead you straight through the vanity area ; when walking in and opening the door to the right , there was a huge 6 + foot wide mirror on the left . Looking in the mirror from the door you could see the bed room portion of the room in the reflection . So you walk in , are immediately in the vanity area and then walk through to the bedroom . The beds were on the right , tv on the left and sitting area at the far end of the room next to a big window . We got the boys settled inside watching cartoons and since I was about to explode , I set myself up to pump while Hubby went back out to the car to get the rest of our things . I set up on the bed and did my thing . And being that it was just my family , I didn 't really care and I was so tired , I didn 't bother with covering anything up ( you know modesty flies all out the window when you become a mom ; especially the second time around ) . So the boys were watching TV and I was pumping and all was right with the world . After a few minutes I hear a key card in the door and it begins to open . I say to Hubby ( who is coming in the door ) , " so did you get everything ok ? " As I scrambled for something to cover myself , he mumbled a hasty , " oh my God I am so sorry ! " and scurried out the door . I can only imagine what he thought I was doing , hooked up to some sort of medieval torture device . I was too tired to be terribly alarmed . I figured it was the cleaning crew or something with the wrong room , and I was pretty sure they 'd walked in on much worse . But then , the phone rang . I answered it and the concierge was on the other end . " WHO ARE YOU and WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS ROOM ! ? ! ? " the voice yelled at me . I calmly gave her my name and told her we just checked in a minute ago . I asked her what the problem was . She replied that someone else was assigned to that room and she gave it to us by mistake and that her horrified guest had just walked in on me . She realized she had messed up and quickly got off the phone with me without so much as an apology . So today I tossed out 419 pieces of paper that the kids have drawn on . Most of it was Kiddo 's drawings . I kept about 30 that were really great / unusual / memorable and tossed the rest . Several coloring books were tossed as well . Anyway , the pages filled a 33 gallon trash bag . Please don 't get onto me about recycling them or shredding them or all that - if I waited until I got around to shredding , it would never happen . If I could figure out all the rules for recycling paper and then had to sort all the pages based on whether it was colored paper or marked on with marker , crayon or pencil , or if I had to sort based on the presence of glue or staples or whatnot . . . . yeah , the stacks would still be sitting there . I also cleaned out a fully packed - to - the - gills - running - over 13 gallon trash can full of plastic shopping bags and took them all to the recycling bin at HEB . I completely filled their bin . My apologies to HEB . At least I was able to do the right thing with those . Of course , then we got home and Port had a poop - tastic diaper . A plastic bag would have come in handy to dispose it . Thankfully I had a plastic bag full of onions , fresh from the store . It worked just fine . The weirdest thing happened today when I was at the grocery store with Port . We were in the frozen food section and he was babbling away , making no sense but just happy as a clam , when out of the blue he screams , " My ear ! ! My ear ! ! " He whined in pain and laid his head down on the cart . I looked at him and rubbed his head and didn 't see anything alarming or unusual . Almost as quickly he sat up and was fine . I thought he may have had a brief ear ache or something ; he 's had a lot of sinus drainage lately . I had pretty much forgotten the whole thing until we got out to the car and I put him in his car seat . That was when I noticed his ear was swollen and red . Upon closer inspection , I discovered a spot that looked like a pin hole . It was as if someone had poked him with a needle . I have no idea what got him . There wasn 't anyone else in the isle that I can recall and I certainly didn 't see any flying insects . My best guess is that he was bit by a spider , but the hole was really big . I can 't imagine what kind of spider could leave that large of a puncture wound and not be seen in the process . Ahh the mysteries of HEB . . . I shall leave you with the mental jukebox song of the day . A friend introduced me to the tune , and now I can 't get it out of my head . I still need to make a school lunch and turn off everything in the house . The dog is snoring and I have no idea where the cat is . Hubby of course , is already in bed , leaving me to shut it all down by myself . It has officially taken over . I am so sick of it all that I hate just sitting here . I hate looking at it . I just want to move and leave everything behind . We keep stuff for the most rediculous reasons ! Sometimes we don 't even have a reason for keeping it . For example , today I threw out a pair of jeans . They ripped right in the middle of the derriere about 6 months ago and I have been holding on to them . WHY ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? What on Earth could I possibly do with a pair of jeans that allows my rear to hang out ? ? Seriously . I don 't know what " logic " told me to wash , fold and put them back in my closet . I pulled them out on Halloween and didn 't even remember that there was he huge tear ! Thankfully my Hubby pointed it out before I left the house and mortified myself once again . So anyway , I threw them out . Good riddance . There is SO . MUCH . STUFF in this house that is just like those jeans - broken , unusable , unfixable , and yet we hang on to it for some strange reason . Part of me feels guilty for filling up a landfill with all of this stuff , but I finally realized that my house was turning into a landfill ! I can 't live like this ! ! Pretty soon my friends will be calling the producers of Hoarders . So yeah , I am a little dramatic , but seriously in need of a change . I have got to get rid of at least half the stuff in this house . It is stressing me out and depressing me . I am a 37 year old Photographer and SAHM to two beautiful boys and wife to a wonderful Hubby . I just wanted to share random things with anyone who is willing to read . Enjoy the madness !
I turned on my heel in one swift motion to face Justin . " Hey , babe , " I said as I threw my arms around his neck and planted a kiss on his lips . He hesitantly kissed me back . I could see his eyes were on Moose as I set my feet fully back on the ground . He repeated his question . I looked at Justin and smiled . I didn 't know what it looked like to him , but Moose was really just talking to me . Sure , he was asking me why we never dated or anything , but it 's not like he was trying to kiss me . Even if he did try to kiss me , I obviously wouldn 't have . " So what 're you doing here ? " I curiously asked . " It didn 't really look that way , " he replied . He didn 't raise his voice or look upset . It was a little eery how calm he was considering I could tell he was angry with me . I took a deep breathe before speaking . I knew it was best to simply tell Justin about Moose . After all , I couldn 't change the way Moose acted and I 'd want to know if one of Justin 's girl friends had a crush on him . I quickly briefed him on what Moose was saying to me and told him that sometimes when he gets really drunk , he tends to open up too much . " I swear to you , I was just trying to shut him up and go back to the yard . Do you want to head back there now ? " I moved closer to Justin . I felt so terrible . I didn 't want him to think I was trying to hide anything from him . It just didn 't seem necessary to bring up . " You know , last time I even saw Moose he told me he was happy for me and couldn 't wait to meet you . I 'm sure you guys will get along great . " I read the text several times before fully comprehending it . Jessica always threatened to break up with Josh , but that 's all it ever was . A threat . " Is there a ghost in my apartment I don 't know about ? " Justin asked as he held out a cup of black coffee for me . I shook my head and held up my phone for him to read . His eyebrows rose . " Wow , I thought you said she was full of it ? " " That 's what I thought , " I said before taking a sip of coffee . Of course it was delicious , just like everything this guy made for me . " I guess I was wrong . Thank goodness . " Justin shrugged as he got back into bed with me . " He seemed like a nice guy . " We were having the perfect Saturday morning , filled with sex and reruns of Friends . I wasn 't looking forward to getting out of bed , but we both had plans and they were unfortunately separate . Alan was having a barbecue and so was Anna . I was kind of relieved that I had an excuse not to go to Alan 's barbecue . Enough time had passed where I 'd be comfortable enough around him , but it still felt weird to grow friendships with a cheater and his oblivious girlfriend . I was disappointed Justin couldn 't spend time with my friends , but a night apart wouldn 't hurt . I cuddled up to Justin . " That 's why Josh is so scary . He seems so fun and innocent , but he 's gone crazy on her a few times . He used to follow her home to make sure she wasn 't meeting up with another guy . I mean , this time it wasn 't anything he did as far as I know . She just didn 't feel they could work through their issues . " I could tell by the way Justin 's body began moving against me that he was nodding . " Poor guy , " he replied . " Getting dumped sucks . " I sensed a conversation about romantic pasts coming and I was not in a mood to go there . " I 'm going to call Anna , " I said as I crawled out of bed and began pacing while dialing Anna 's phone number . I knew she wouldn 't mind if I invited Jessica to her barbecue , but I still wanted her okay on it . While I didn 't know the details of the break up , I knew Jessica would appreciate being surrounded by friends . Even though Darlene and Anna were annoyed at Jessica for her behavior , they 'd easily forget it all and embrace her presence as if nothing happened . We 're not in high school anymore . Anna was surprised by my call , since I hadn 't told Darlene or her about what Jessica told me on the boardwalk , but very open to having Jessica over . She said she 'd give Darlene a heads up and I called Jessica once we hung up . After some convincing , she agreed to come with me to Anna 's house . As I hung up , Justin began wining from the bed . " Come back to bed , Caroline . " I smiled at him for a few seconds before jumping on the bed and making our last hour together truly memorable . That night , I could hear the music from Anna 's backyard before I even turned my car off across the street . " Wow , this is quite the event , " Jessica coldly said . She was definitely nervous and her anxiety was not bringing out the best in her . " You know how Anna likes to entertain , " I replied waving my hand at her . I handed her the bottle of wine we purchased minutes beforehand and glared at her . " Ready ? " Jessica nodded . We walked into Anna 's backyard through her high white fence where two beer pong games were already going on . Everyone welcomed us with warm hugs . Of course , none of the guys knew that Jessica had been avoiding Darlene and Anna , so there was nothing strange about this situation to them . I watched from afar as Jessica awkwardly said hello to Darlene and Anna . They all hugged like nothing ever happened . Peace was restored . Moose suddenly bumped into me as he walked out of Anna 's house . " Oh , hey , " he said . " I didn 't know you were coming . " He turned around and reached down to get a beer from the cooler before shrugging . " I don 't know , " he replied . " I figured you 'd be spending time with your boyfriend or something . " I politely walked away from him to where Anna , Darlene , and Jessica were feverishly talking . Anna was telling them about her most recent date with some guy she works with at camp . I don 't know how she does it , but Anna always seems to meet new guys and when I was single , I was super jealous . My jealousy has since vanished since I couldn 't be happier with Justin . Everyone was having a great night and around eleven o ' clock , I went to get my sweater from my car . It was a really nice night , but the breeze made me question my choice to wear a tank top . As I began walking back , Moose walked through the gate towards me . " Caroline , " he said , putting his hands up . " Wait . " I gave him a questioning look as I tried to figure out how drunk he was . " Why haven 't we ever hooked up ? " Try what ? I attempted to move past him , but he kept blocking me and insisting we talk . I was about to really lose it when I heard a voice behind me . I waited until we pulled apart before saying , " I 've missed you , too , " with a smile . After giving him a quick kiss on the lips , I went to walk into his apartment but he stopped me . I gave him a confused look . Why wasn 't he letting me in ? A few seconds passed before he grabbed my purse , without breaking from our kiss , and gracefully threw it behind his back into the apartment . With both hands now free , I wrapped my arms around his neck and stepped forward so that my whole body was pressed up against his . He grabbed my butt and carried me until we reached his bed . The whole time our lips remained locked . He placed me down and began moving down to my neck as he helped me take off my clothes . I have no idea what prompted this warm welcome , but I was fully enjoying it ! We remained silent with every movement . I was on his bed in only my bra and lace thong when I began removing his clothes . We continued making out in our underwear for a while without going any further , which only increased my desires . I ran my hands over his shoulders and back . I don 't know about any of you , but a nice , strong upper body is the biggest turn on for me . Maybe it has to do with feeling protected . He ran his hands up and down my legs . " You 're amazing , " he whispered in my ear . I giggled in response . He playfully placed his fingers between the lace of my thong and my hips before sliding them down my legs . His eyes met mine and we didn 't break eye contact at all as he moved his way lower on the bed until his head was above my hips . The next fifteen minutes were unreal . I laid still with my eyes closed and my arms behind my head holding on to the pillow . I cleared my mind and focused on every movement of Justin 's tongue . My back involuntarily arched and I moaned his name as I finished . " Wow , " I softly muttered as he lifted his head and winked at me . He triumphantly skipped over to the fridge and grabbed us each a water bottle . He seemed so proud of himself . It was adorable . I decided to feed his ego some more . " Yup , " he enthusiastically responded as he plopped down next to me in bed . " Girlfriend of the month . It was a tough competition against the other two , but . . . " Except , at that moment , he decided to stand up . " So , I rented a movie . Inception . I 've never seen it before , which I know is unreal since it was so popular when it came out . " He seemed to be talking rather fast and it kind of threw me off guard . " Perfect ! So I 'll pop it in . I heard it 's really hard to follow if you don 't pay attention . " As Justin quickly turned on the DVD player , something occurred to me . Was he trying to keep me occupied so we wouldn 't talk about anything else ? " Hey , Justin , " I began as I crawled closer to the edge of the bed . " How 're things going with Alan and Jackie ? " I hadn 't wanted to talk about them so early in the evening , but the way he clearly wanted to avoid it had me curious . " He 's not going to , is he ? " I quickly asked . It had been almost two weeks since we went to Atlantic City and I couldn 't really imagine him bringing it up now if he hadn 't already . I laid back in Justin 's bed . I felt defeated . Jackie seemed like a really cool girl and I wanted to help her . If some girl knew my boyfriend cheated on me and didn 't tell me , I would feel so betrayed , even if we weren 't that close . I also didn 't know how I could be around her and Alan knowing what I knew . " Okay , " I finally said . Even though I still wasn 't satisfied with the situation , I desperately didn 't want Justin to suffer anymore from it . I felt so disconnected from him since Atlantic City and I just wanted things to go back to normal . If Alan continued to cheat , Jackie would find out some other way , right ? After moments of silence , Justin walked over and put his arm around me . " Listen , I wanted him to tell her , too . I don 't think cheating is right . I really want to make sure you know that . " He turned my face with his free arm so I was looking him in the eyes . " It 's really important to me that you know I would never do what Alan did . " A smile spread across my face . " Of course I know that . " I didn 't realize Justin was worried about how Alan 's actions would reflect on him , but I trusted Justin . Just because Alan cheated didn 't mean he would . Justin kissed me and we dropped the subject . Even though he rented Inception as a distraction , I actually really enjoyed it . We didn 't bring up his friends , or anybody else , for the rest of the night . We only focused on each other and that was exactly what I wanted . " No , it 's fine , " I responded as I waved a hand at her and fished five dollars out of my bag . Yesterday , after the catastrophic rain storm we had last week , Jessica and I both wanted to take a nice walk on the Jone 's Beach boardwalk since it was sunny . I was glad to be catching up with Jessica , since I haven 't seen her in a few weeks . She pulled up to the booth and paid the attendant . They charged for parking until 4 , but it seemed silly to pull over and wait so we could each save five dollars . We parked and began our leisurely walk . " So , how 're things with Justin ? " Jessica asked . " Still tense ? " I let out a soft sigh . I had texted Jessica after my weekend away in Atlantic City and gave her the low down on everything that happened . I had also texted her last week to get her opinion about some feelings I had about Justin . I couldn 't shake the feeling that he was slightly avoiding me . We didn 't make plans at all during the week and when the weekend came , we just grabbed a quick dinner and movie on Saturday night . I didn 't broach the subject of Alan and Jackie at all during dinner . We filled our time talking about work and I talked a little about preparing for my Fall semester . The car ride home from Atlantic City was relatively uneventful . Jackie was quiet , visibly suffering from her hangover , and the guys discussed football for a little . I kind of wanted to hang out with Justin before heading home , but since he didn 't bring it up at all , I didn 't either . I was pretty tired anyway and figured we 'd see each other within a few days . " Things aren 't exactly tense , " I replied . " I just can 't shake the feeling that he 's like , annoyed with me . Maybe it 's all in my head . " I shrugged . I knew Justin was in a tough spot but he didn 't seem mad at me when I told him what I saw . He seemed frustrated , but only at the situation , not me . " We 're getting dinner Wednesday night and I figured I 'd ask about Alan and Jackie then . Enough time has passed . " " I don 't feel like it 's my place , " I quickly replied . " Besides , what if she doesn 't believe me ? This gives Alan the opportunity to come clean , as if it was his idea . " Jessica had expressed this view to me when I first told her about the weekend , but I told her this was a fitting compromise I made with myself . Yes , it would seem like Alan was volunteering this information , instead of pretty much being forced to tell her , but the bottom line was that Jackie would find out . " Jess , the thing is , I actually want them to work this out . I don 't want them to break up , but - " " No , I 'm not , " I snapped back at her . I understood she was just trying to make her point , but I was beginning to get annoyed . " I 'm not the one who cheated . I didn 't do this . Alan did . I thought you said I did the right thing ? " " I know , " I replied with a frustrated huff . " It took me five , maybe ten minutes to find Justin . How was I supposed to know they 'd ditch those girls that fast ? " I waved a hand at her . " I doubt it . Think about it . Alan should be volunteering this information . If he says I saw him , Jackie will realize he was just caught . He has to be smarter than that . " I hesitantly nodded . It seemed like she didn 't want to talk about Josh . I had to know why . We both bought ice cream cones before continuing our walk on the boardwalk . " I just feel like things aren 't working , you know ? He 's been emotionally stable but we still fight . I honestly just don 't think it 's worth moving backwards . " I stood frozen . I didn 't feel that I could physically move . What was I seeing ? I rubbed my eyes and looked again . I probably would 've stood there , frozen , for hours , with my mouth hanging open like an idiot , if it weren 't for the creepers in Atlantic City . A man in a shiny , silver shirt began trying to dance with me ( or should I say , on me ) . I swatted at him and began walking away . I searched for Justin in the crowd . I needed to talk to him . How could Alan cheat on Jackie ? Was this a regular thing ? I mean , he had been drinking a lot , not that being drunk justified anything . Ugh , I had to find Justin ! Since Justin is about six feet tall , I luckily saw him making his way through the crowd after only a few minutes . When we were reunited , he leaned down , lightly squeezed my butt , and whispered in my ear . " So , where were ? " I normally would 've been ready to dance on him like a pole at that point , but seeing Alan with that girl really deflated my desires . " I have to show you something , " I said , grabbing his hand and guiding him through the crowd . But we couldn 't find Sean or Alan . They must have relocated . I stomped my foot like a two - year - old . I needed Justin to see what I saw so we could figure out what to do . " What ? " he asked , furrowing his eyebrows at me . I insisted he text Sean and Alan to see where they were . We continued to walk through the crowd looking for them while Justin waited for a response . It took about twenty minutes before Sean wrote back . They left and were playing roulette . We left the club and made our way to the casino . " Okay , what is going on with you ? " Justin impatiently asked once we escaped the loud music and were actually able to talk at a normal volume . I let out a heavy sigh and tried to quickly brainstorm how to tell him what I saw . " Justin , " I began . " I saw Sean and Alan in there . Sean was making out with a girl , while Alan was , well , nuzzling another girl . " I stared up at him , trying to decipher his immediate reaction as my words soaked in . He didn 't say anything for a few seconds , until he finally rubbed his forehead and spoke . " Wow , that really doesn 't sound like Alan . " I felt a little bit of relief . It still didn 't make Alan 's actions okay , but I was happy to know this wasn 't a regular thing . I was also glad that Justin didn 't seem to condone this type of behavior . " Let 's go find them and I 'll talk to Alan , " Justin said , grabbing my hand and walking me to the casino . We remained silent as we searched the roulette tables for Sean and Alan . When we found them , they weren 't with any girls . I could barely plaster a smile on my face as Sean and Alan enthusiastically greeted us . I 'm not normally an angry person , but I wanted to punch Alan in the face when I saw how happy he was . I tugged on Justin 's arms and told him I was going to head back . He let out a heavy sigh and nodded . It was clear that he knew what to do once I left . When I got back to the room , Jackie was still sound asleep . I felt so bad for her . I put on my pajamas and snuggled up under the fresh sheets , even though I knew I wouldn 't be able to sleep . I put on the television , left it on mute , and tried to relax . I texted Justin and told him to give me a heads up when they were on their way back up . About a half hour later , he told me they were in the elevator . I practically jumped out of bed and went into the bathroom . I rationalized that when they arrived back , I would ask Justin for some private time . A few minutes later , I heard them stumble into the room . I successfully lured Justin into the bathroom . Once he was in , I turned around and ran the shower water so it would drown out our voices . " So , what happened ? " I quietly asked . I stared at him . " What do you mean ' am I sure ? ' " Justin looked at me . His eyes pleaded for me to relax . I took a deep breathe and told him exactly what I had seen again . " So , I didn 't see him making out with her , but I saw him , clear as day , kissing that girl on the neck . " He let out a heavy sigh before speaking . " Alan said he was just being a wing man , " he finally said . " He said he was talking to a girl but they didn 't do anything . " Justin looked at me with sad eyes . " I believe you , really . But can we just talk about everything tomorrow ? We can get breakfast , alone , and figure it out . " I didn 't want to accept that , but it really was too late to do anything else . I shut off the water and followed Justin out of the bathroom . I fell asleep cuddled up on Justin 's chest , uneasy about what the next day would bring . I naturally woke up around 7 : 30 the next morning . Ever since I started working regular 9 to 5 hours , my internal clock would not allow me to sleep in . It was super frustrating when I had nothing to do on a Saturday and I wanted to catch up on some sleep . Anyway , this adaptation worked to my advantage that morning because I did not want to interact with Jackie and Alan . The thought of looking either of them in the face made me sick to my stomach . I couldn 't look Jackie in the face without feeling guilty for not telling her what I saw and I couldn 't look Alan in the face without wanting to scream at him . I put my arms around Justin 's waist , since he had shifted in his sleep and was no longer facing me . I began kissing his back and rubbing his arm . I wanted to wake him up but I was hoping it would feel like he woke up on his own . He eventually shifted so he was on his back and while he seemed somewhat conscious , I knew it would still take a little while for him to open his eyes . I couldn 't help myself , though . I could barely sleep last night with the anxiety of this entire situation . I mean , how was I supposed to drive home with this crowd ? If I did tell Jackie , I had no idea how she would react and the car ride could be complete hell . But how could I not tell Jackie ? I couldn 't deal with the guilt of not letting this girl know the truth . Even though we had just met , I liked Jackie and if the tables were turned and she saw Justin kissing another girl , I really hope she would tell me . I rubbed Justin 's chest as I contemplated moving my hand lower to give him a real , ' Good Morning . ' I decided to go simpler and began lightly kissing his neck . He quietly moaned and opened his eyes shortly after . We quietly giggled for a few seconds before I asked him if he would mind going to breakfast sooner rather than later because I really wanted to head out before anybody else woke up . " As much as I want to lay here with you for hours , I get why you want to head out , " he said , peering over to the other bed where Alan and Jackie were laying . We both quietly crawled out of bed , grabbed clothes from our luggage , and tip toed into the bathroom to get ready . By 8 : 30 , we were making our way outside onto the boardwalk . We quickly found a breakfast place with four dollar egg dishes and six dollar bellinis . After we each ordered , I took a deep breathe before beginning the inevitable conversation . " Justin , I know you 're in a tough spot . If Alan is saying one thing and I 'm saying another , I can 't imagine the kind of pressure this puts on you . I 'm telling you , though , I saw Alan kiss that girl . It may not have been on the lips , but the way he kissed her neck was unacceptable . I don 't know if I can face him or Jackie and not say something . " Justin remained silent and politely listened through my whole spiel . He stared off at the beach for a little before responding . " I 'm going to talk to Alan again . I 'll explain to him that either he has to tell Jackie or I will . " I smiled at Justin . " Thank you , " I said , putting my hand on his . I changed the subject because frankly , I was tired of worrying about it . We got our food and had a really nice , relaxing breakfast before taking a walk on the boardwalk . This was the trip I had envisioned with Justin . It was unfortunate that we had to deal with all the problems last night , because it truly put a strain on the whole night . I couldn 't help but wonder if Justin 's friends would have negative feelings about me now . I figured it was better to risk having them dislike me than to let Jackie look like an idiot and be cheated on . We didn 't get back to the room until a little after 10 o ' clock . Everyone was awake , but still in bed . Jackie was sitting up , drinking a water bottle . She looked like she had been hit by a truck . Everyone began getting out of bed and taking turns in the shower . The plan was to check out , put our bags away , and then enjoy Atlantic City for a little while longer before heading home . Justin managed to get Alan to follow him to a smoothie bar once we were in the casino . As I watched them walk away , I was really proud of Justin . I knew this wasn 't going to be easy , but he was doing the right thing . It was even more heart warming to know that he was doing it for me . Sean , Jackie , and I played some slots for a little bit while Justin and Alan " got smoothies . " I nervously tapped my foot until they returned . They both looked exhausted . Justin kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear . " He 's going to tell her when we get home . He doesn 't want to ruin the rest of the trip . " I wasn 't super pleased with that resolution , but I understood it was more logical . It would be much better for them to sit down and discuss things in private . I tried to enjoy the rest of the trip before we departed for Long Island around 3 o ' clock . The guys said they didn 't need much time to get ready so they wanted to play a few rounds of Black Jack while Jackie and I showered . While Jackie was naturally very pretty , I learned just how much time she put into her appearance . She seemed a little high maintenance , but not even a tiny bit snobby . She began her make - up routine as I flat ironed my hair . Our conversation flowed as if we were old friends and I began to really like Jackie . She grew up in a nice town about thirty minutes east of mine . The energy level was high among the five of us , especially since we each took three shots of vodka before leaving the room . Jackie had gone on her phone and put our names on some list that allowed us to cut the line . We still had to pay a ridiculous cover , but I didn 't even care once I saw how cool the bar was . Clubs are not normally my thing , even though I sometimes went to them when I was single and on the prowl , but the ones in Atlantic City simply have a way of making anybody feel like a Kardashian . To be clear , I 'm not a fan of the Kardashians either . We all made our way over to the bar and ordered beers before heading to the dance floor . There were girls dancing in cages with neon clothing . It wasn 't degrading , though . They had pretty awesome moves and they were wearing just enough clothing to look hot but not trashy . We all danced like we were on ecstasy ( but we definitely weren 't ) and I noticed Jackie and Alan were making more trips to the bar than anyone else . I began to forget that anybody but Justin was on that dance floor . I innocently ran my hand over his chest as I sang to the music . I let my hand linger on his belt . He looked down at me and bit his bottom lip . There was something about this setting that made me want him so bad , but I didn 't want to leave . I decided to let our sexual energy build up for as long as possible . I figured the wait would act as a form of foreplay . A few minutes passed before Jackie grabbed my arm and I practically jumped from shock . " Come to the bathroom with me , " she said as a command , not a question , with desperation in her voice . I gave Justin a concerned look as Jackie dragged me through the crowd . Once in the bathroom , Jackie wasted no time before practically sprinting into a stall . I cringed as I heard her begin to puke . She looked up at me , her mascara completely smeared across her eyes . She didn 't verbally answer me , but I don 't know if she was actually able to . She pressed her palms against her eyes and began to sob . " Oh , Jackie , " I began , kneeling down and rubbing her back . " Don 't cry ! Let 's just go back to the room . " Jackie nodded and let me help her to her feet . I accepted mouth wash from the bathroom attendant and insisted that Jackie swirl some in her mouth . I tipped the attendant before guiding Jackie out of the bathroom . Justin was waiting as promised . We made it to the room without a hitch . Jackie immediately sat on the bed and began taking off her heels , which she somehow managed to walk in on our way to the room . " Thank you guys so much , " she began with tears forming in her eyes . " I think I 'm okay now . I 'm just so embarrassed . " I sat next to her and patted her on the back . " Don 't be , " I insisted . Justin and I stayed in the room for a little while until Jackie fell asleep , curled up on her side . While Justin and I were tempted to fool around before heading downstairs , I didn 't want to wake Jackie up after she finally managed to fall asleep . We made our way back to the club . The bouncers let us in without waiting in line . " I 'm gonna hit the bathroom quick , " Justin said to me once we were in . " Can you find the guys and then text me where you are ? " I nodded , kissed him , and watched him walk to the bathroom . I squeezed through the crowd for a few minutes before spotting Sean . My eyebrows went up as I saw him making out with a blonde girl in a tube top . " Good for him , " I thought to myself . But where was Alan ? I looked around the area until I spotted him . He had his arm around a different blonde girl , whispering in her ear before softly kissing her on the neck . I tried on about five different casual outfits in an attempt to find the one that looked most effortless . I obviously see the irony here , guys . How hard does a girl have to work to achieve that ' I woke up like this ' look ? ! Anyway , Friday afternoon taught me that you do not want to meet your boyfriend 's friends right before a four hour car ride . They were nice , of course , but it 's a lot of pressure to converse with people you just met for four hours . There 's not much to talk about on a long car ride after the first hour . Two of Justin 's closest friends were going to Atlantic City , Sean and Alan , in addition to Alan 's girlfriend , Jackie . Justin introduced me to all three of them after I put my duffle bag in the truck before taking my seat in the back middle seat , sandwiched between Justin and Sean . I got to know the three of them and they got to know me , on a very preliminary level . Justin had known both Sean and Alan since elementary school . Jackie and Alan had been dating for about a year . We conversed about our jobs , our college years , where we grew up , and of course , I found out the cute story of how Alan and Jackie met . They were both denied access to the gym on a Friday night because it was about to close . " So , there we were , in our athletic clothes , " Jackie said , putting her hand on Alan 's free hand as he drove on the Long Island Expressway . " But lucky for me , there was a bar in the shopping center and he invited me to share a pitcher of beer and mini pizza with him . The rest is history . " By the beginning of the second hour , I was already exhausted so I rested my head on Justin 's shoulder . Somehow I managed to doze off . I don 't know if I tired myself out with my anxiety over this trip or if my mom slipped a crushed up Xanax into the cup of tea I had before Justin picked me up , but either way I was happy to get some rest since I knew we 'd be out late that night . Justin sweetly whispered in my ear to wake me up once we were parked and ready to head into the hotel . We all checked in and made our way up the elevator to our room . The couples would each have a bed to share , while Sean was staying on a cot . " I can 't believe you stole my cuddle partner , Caroline , " Sean joked . " I hope you know that Justin likes to be the little spoon . " I caught Justin giving him an annoyed look , which made me strangely drawn to Justin . It was cute that he didn 't want his friend making embarrassing jokes in front of me ! I smiled at Jackie . I was glad she was making me feel so welcomed and comfortable . " I 'm really glad Justin invited me ! You guys are great . I 'm ready to have a blast tonight . " Jackie began asking me what I brought to wear for the night as we caught up to the guys who were unlocking the door . The room was really nice , not that it really mattered . We were going to spend most of our time in the casino , at the night club , and on the boardwalk . Still , it was nice to have a fancy looking room . I began mentally scheming a way to get some alone time with Justin because what 's the point of staying in a hotel room with your beau if you don 't get to have hotel room sex ? I was pretty hungry , but I was the newbie so I didn 't feel like speaking up . Jackie luckily read my mind . " I 'm starving , " she said rubbing her stomach in a circular motion . " Let 's go to that tapas place . " We had passed a cute tapas restaurant on the lower level of our hotel . At first glance , it seemed to be a typical Spanish restaurant but we had stopped to briefly look at the menu and they had a lot of really unique takes on various dishes . Everyone agreed on trying it so we made our way out of the room back towards the elevators . Justin and I split a few small plates at the restaurant . I let him eat a majority of the food because I didn 't want to feel bloated when we went dancing . I was able to receive a fulfilling taste of everything , while Justin scarfed down the scraps . He is one of those truly fortunate people who can eat as much as he wants without gaining weight . To be fair , he jogs a lot and plays basketball at least three times a week . I 'm still pretty jealous of his metabolism . Last night , I went over to Justin 's apartment around 7 . Upon walking in , the most intoxicating smell filled my nostrils . He had ordered in fettuccine alfredo from the best Italian restaurant in the area and it was already set out for us to eat . Justin smiled . " I know , but you said you wanted to take things slow . I wasn 't really sure how serious you were about everything . I thought maybe you were only trying to temporarily appease me . " I took a bite of pasta before replying . The truth was , when Justin and I became official , I really wasn 't sure how long it would last . I only knew that I liked him and wasn 't interested in seeing anybody else . Now , I was already thinking about what I wanted to buy him for Christmas . I wasn 't positive it 'd last , but I was hoping it did . We finished our dinner before positioning ourselves on the couch to watch television and recover from our food comas . He let me pick the show from his DVR and I landed on Bar Rescue . He picked up his phone in the middle of the show and stayed preoccupied with texting . It didn 't bother me , though . During the second episode , he picked up the remote and muted it . " Hey , " he began . " Would you like to meet some of my friends ? " " Yeah , but there 's kind of a catch , " he said . I patiently waited several seconds before he continued . " They 're going to Atlantic City tomorrow . Would you be interested in going for the night ? " I pressed my lips together as I thought for a moment . I didn 't have anything planned for Friday night and we 'd only be staying until Saturday afternoon . I figured there was no harm in it and everyone was always telling me to be more spontaneous . What 's the worst that could happen to me ? Murder , actually , but I figured that was highly unlikely . Justin urged me to stay longer , but I couldn 't be swayed . Not only did I have work the next morning , but I also had to finally tell my mother about Justin that night if I was going to go to Atlantic City with him . If I didn 't love at home , it would be normal for my parents to not know about him , but I did live at home and I 'm actually pretty close with both my parents . It 's just that I 've always found it difficult to disclose details about my romantic life to them . Nobody in my family really talked about that stuff . Maybe it 's unhealthy , but we 're happy . My mom paused the show for the first time that night . " That 's so great , " she said with sincerity . " What 's his name ? Who is he ? " " Well , have a great time , " she said with a smile . " You 'll need to text me every few hours so I know you 're okay . You know where my mind goes . " I rolled my eyes but agreed to her terms before going upstairs to pack . Justin said we 'd be leaving around 4 so I wouldn 't have any time after work to pack . I threw a few sexy outfits into a duffle bag that Darlene got for free and gave me from Ulta . I wasn 't sure if we 'd be able to lay on the beach the next day , but I packed two bathing suits , a towel , and some sun screen just in case . It didn 't take me long to pack everything else , but that didn 't mean I was going to get a good night of sleep . I stared at my ceiling for a solid hour . What would his friends be like ? How many of them would there be ? Was I going to be the only girl ? No , his friends had to have girlfriends and some of his friends might be girls . Would they like me ? I couldn 't help but mentally roll my eyes at the cliches spilling out of Michelle 's mouth . Michelle was a close work friend , but we hadn 't hung out much outside of scarfing down Thai food during lunch breaks . I 've managed the card store for a couple months and since it 's not exactly a career job , even for me , I mostly work with high school and college students . Even though I was technically their boss , I got along with most of them like friends . I particularly gravitated towards Michelle , who was three years my junior . I muffled a laugh as I tried not to choke on my food . I reluctantly agreed . I had tried yoga in the past but could never really get into it . I looked down at my stomach and figured I 'd try anything to avoid gaining any more weight . I never considered myself heavy , but I was always striving to lose those extra ten pounds . I definitely couldn 't tolerate gaining weight . We began stretching in the room as we waited for the instructor to arrive . " So , how 's Justin ? " Michelle asked while doing a butterfly stretch . A smile spread across my face at the mention of his name . " Really good , " I replied without divulging too much . It was actually surprising to me how good Justin and I were doing . The first night we met , I felt immediately drawn to Justin . Despite the few instances of premature jealousy , we had virtually no conflicts . Whenever we were together , things felt so effortless . I knew it was still early , so I didn 't want to get my hopes up , but it was hard not to . I remembered feeling like this with Mike , but then we started having problems . I crossed my fingers that the same pattern didn 't occur with Justin . I comfortably followed the first few positions the instructor did . I tried to focus on my breathing and emptying my mind as I switched from one position to the next , but as the moves became harder , I had a hard time simply maintaining each one . At one point , she told us to put one leg straight up in the air while balancing on our opposite knee . I thought I finally had it when she walked over to me . By the end of the class , I didn 't feel like I had gotten a real work out but I was glad I tried it . Michelle dropped me off and I quickly showered before deciding to head to Starbucks . I figured I at least deserved a non - fat latte and I wanted to study for my GREs . At the end of May , I promised myself I would study at least ten hours a week so I 'd be fully prepared for the test once the summer was over . However , between my laziness and spending time with Justin , I had barely studied at all . Since it was now August , I needed to really catch up . I sat at a small table and opened up the ginormous exam preparation book to take a practice test . I had taken the test once before , so I was familiar with it , but I barely studied . My scores were okay , but they needed to be higher if I wanted to get into a doctoral program . " I 'm sorry , do I know you ? " I jokingly asked . " You look like a friend of mine but he doesn 't dress nearly as sharp as you do . " He smirked at me . " Yeah , corporate life is slowly stealing my soul . I had to go to the city today to meet with human resources and fill out a bunch of paperwork . " Moose was starting at an accounting firm in September , since he recently passed his CPA exams . " Fun , " I replied . " Come sit with me after you order . I could totally use a break from this , " I said as I picked up my book and flashed the cover at him . He silently smirked as he looked down at his cup . " So , Billy told me you brought a guy bowling , " he said , avoiding eye contact with me . I couldn 't believe he was opening with that .

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