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Willie and I had our first Thanksgiving all on our own this year . It was a strange experience for both of us . It wasn 't until Wednesday night that we really decided what we were going to even do for Thanksgiving . This year has been so hectic and crazy with the two weddings that none of the kids could come to Rossville . I had to work the two days before and the weekend after , so I couldn 't go to Des Moines . Willie had three days off , and I encouraged him to go to Des Moines , but he decided to stay with me . Wednesday , I got a voice mail while I was at work . It was someone I didn 't know , an older lady . She said she had a delivery for me and needed to know where my house was to deliver it . She left a number to call . I listened to the message again . I could not for the life of me , think what I had that needed to be delivered . Should I call this number ? I thought to myself . I knew I hadn 't ordered anything . What could it be ? I decided to call the number . The woman from the voice mail answered . It was a flower shop . My daughter Valerie had sent us flowers for Thanksgiving ! I told the voice at the other end where our house was . " Oh , Dr . Mason 's house . " Our house , is not , in the eyes of the locals , our house . Our house is still and forever will be , Dr . Masons . We pay the mortgage , but it will always be his . When I got home from work the flowers were there . Beautiful fall flowers that brightened up the whole house . A card from Valerie was attached telling us she loved us and Happy Thanksgiving . It lifted our spirits . It helped us remember how much we have to be thankful for . Our daughter had made our day , and saved our holiday . That night we went to the store . We got turkey breast and all the fixings . Thursday morning Willie and I got up and made our Thanksgiving feast for two . We made it together , it was a lot of fun . We sat down at the table , the flowers as our center piece , and enjoyed our Thanksgiving together . Thank you Valerie , we love you so much ! ! This last weekend I got to go back to Des Moines for my future daughter in law 's bridal shower . I wanted to do a winter wonderland theme for the shower . The wedding is December 10th , and they are going with a very winter theme for the wedding , so I carried that theme into the shower . I wanted it to look wintry , not Christmasy . We used snow flakes of all sizes and sparkles and pearl strings . It was a lot of fun . We also had pine cones and buffalo snow , made the presents look like they were sitting in a snow drift . Kahlen even got in on the decorating action and went home covered in sparkles and glitter . To go along with the winter theme , I made white chicken chili , and cornbread . For those less than enthusiastic about chili , I made mac and cheese . I also made a buffalo chicken dip , and glazed carrots . I almost burned the place down when I was preheating the oven , there was grease in the bottom that caught fire . We got the fire out and most of the smoke out before people got there though . For deserts , I made a chocolate coconut cake , yellow cupcakes with cream cheese frosting , rice crispy treats , oreo and nutterbutter balls . I think all of the food went over well . Something for everyone was my goal . Even the plates and napkins had snowflakes on them . After lunch it was game time , or as I like to put it , torture Caitlin time . The first game involved questions that I had asked my son , Josh , and she had to guess how he answered , you know , newly wed game style . Alyssa looked forward to this game most of all . This game was played at her shower , and she wanted revenge . Revenge you ask , why did she want revenge ? For every question she got right she received a chocolate . For every question she got wrong . . . . . . . . she had to put a piece of bubble gum in her mouth . Apparently Caitlin laughed a lot at Alyssa when her mouth was full of bubble gum , thus , the revenge . And revenge Alyssa did get . Something you need to understand , my son , has a unique sense of humor , something I was counting on . For instance , when asked what he and Caitlin would do if there was an ice storm and the electricity went out , ( and he was told to keep it clean , her grandma was there after all ) what did he answer ? Play a board game ? No , read a book using a flashlight ? Well , no , he answered shadow puppets . When asked if he could have anyone , anywhere , alive or dead , sing at his wedding , his answer . . . . . . . . Infant Sorrow . Yeah , Caitlin ended up with six pieces of bubble gum in her mouth . Alyssa was fiendishly satisfied . Next torture game involved dark chocolate . I made snowflake shaped chocolates . But not just any chocolates , each chocolate contained an ingredient that Caitlin had to identify . You know , things like cinnamon , almonds , cranberries , hot peppers , bacon , cilantro , and garlic . She did real well , the only one she missed was cilantro , which I think was because I didn 't put enough in . Her least favorite one was the garlic . Yeah , I put a lot in that one . That one got spit out . We also played name that tune and wrote marital advise on snowflakes . Her favorite , " make hamburger and beans often , and buy an electric air freshener . " Mine . I know my son pretty well . Many of you now may think it started out rough because I couldn 't bare to see my little girl get married . Nah , it isn 't that . I know she married the man that she loves . I did get nostalgic , and think about the fact that my baby was getting married , but in a good way . In a happy way . No , no , the roughness of the morning was my own doing . First I slept in a little too long . I felt hurried . I felt frazzled . I was running behind and that was the trigger for the rest of the morning . I was putting the finishing touches on things , and all was going well , despite being behind . I made a beautiful tomato salad with basil and fresh mozzarella , it has a name but I can 't spell it . I had brought the tomatoes all the way from Rossville from my own garden . They were delicious . I had forgotten the cooler I had with the basil from my garden at home so had to buy basil at the store . It looked awesome just the same . Valerie and I finished decorating cupcakes . We got ourselves ready . I was wearing a new dress that I had only worn once before . We got everything all finished up and started packing up the car . And this is where you can start using your imagination . New dress , tomato salad . Yeah , exactly what you think . I was carrying the cooler , and everything on top down the stairs . I lost my balance . I fell . Now , don 't worry , it was more like sitting down hard than falling . And I almost saved everything . A . L . M . O . S . T ! The salad ended up all over my dress . I was covered by tomatoes , basil , pepper and cheese . It was on my dress , on my legs , on my arms . Now we were going to be really late . I sat there for a minute . I considered bawling my eyes out . However , I had actually put on make up . This is not normal for me , I hate make up , it makes my face feel yucky . I wanted to look nice for the shower though , so I had put it on . So , I stopped my urge to cry . If I did it would mess up my make up and put us even farther behind . Valerie and I finally got to the shower . We were late and we had the food . I felt embarrassed and anxious and like I had let everyone down . Everyone was very nice about it . They all understood , but I couldn 't shake the feeling . The rest of the day went very well though . Carmen and Anita had done the decorations . Carmen had some fun games and everyone seemed to enjoy the food . Alyssa seemed to to enjoy her day . Carmen had a game where she had asked her brother questions and then Alyssa had to try to answer the same questions the way she thought Shane had answered . With each wrong answer she had to put a piece of bubble gum in her mouth . She had a bit of a hard time talking by the end . It was fun . So , I have lost , what fellow blogger , Pia , would term , my writing MoJo . I just can 't seem to think of much to write about . My mind has turned to mush , much like the weather outside . It isn 't that I don 't have anything to write about , well yeah it is kind of that , I lead a rather boring little life . The most exciting thing that has happened around here lately is when Willie and I decided to go find a park called Potholes in Indiana . We had heard , from one of Willie 's friends , that it was really pretty . I looked it up on line and saw that it was northwest of Attica , Indiana . I knew where Attica was . I couldn 't find an actual address or a site for the park itself . I found a few sites from people who had visited the park and posted pictures . The pictures were awesome and I was excited to see the park for my self . On Tuesday , we got into the car , put Bazinga in the back and pointed it at Attica , Indiana . It took us about 30 minutes to get to Attica . We looked for signs along the way , we saw none . We were in no big hurry , and had no plans , and as such decided to just keep driving around Attica to look for signs . We drove thru town , no signs . We drove south of town , no signs , we drove north of town , no signs . We drove west of town , still no signs . We never found it . It was nice to go for a nice long drive though . On our way west we did find ourselves in a rather spooky looking area of Williamsburg . I was really glad that it was the middle of the day instead of the dark of night . We took a turn north and found ourselves in a better area . We decided to take one last journey north to try to find the park , but to no avail . Finally , we decided to give up and head home . Bazinga was very confused after a long drive to end up at home again . He burst from the car expecting an adventure and found himself in oh so familiar surroundings . He sniffed around and looked at me in disappointment . Ah , well , he enjoyed the ride . I have been following some of the reports of Occupy Wall Street . I am going to state right now , I am in support of their movement . Many will disagree with me , and that is their right and their privilege to do so . I do not find it UnAmerican when people disagree with me . I do not find it treasonous when people do not agree with the government . Differences in opinion are our constitutional right and dare I say duty as Americans . Now , I am not saying we chuck our form of government and replace it with something radical . I am saying that definite abuses need to be addressed and those abusers need to be held accountable . Our government should not be for sale to the highest bidder . Those that have money should not have politicians in their pockets . When that happens then those who have money decide what is right and wrong . Normally , they decide this in their own favor . This is how our tax codes have been written , this is how deregulation of banks and wall street have occurred and brought our economy to a grinding halt . This is how the top 1 % have seen their incomes rise by 275 % over the last 30 years , while the rest of us have had to work much harder and longer hours and have seen our wages stagnate . I was at work a few weeks ago . It had been an awful day . We had recently gone through some major staff reductions and as such were short staffed , although perfectly staffed according to some one who probably hadn 't stepped foot in a store in 50 years . I had been running , and I do mean running to try and keep up . Finally lunch came . I went to the break room and saw the company magazine . On the front was a guy in a suit looking all proud and powerful . The camera angle used was such that it really emphasized that he was looking down on those about to read the article about him . He had power , I did not . I opened the magazine to the article . I read it . I about puked my guts up . I was exhausted from running and apologizing to people because their prescriptions weren 't ready over and over . I had been yelled at , and verbally abused because we couldn 't keep up because of the recent cuts . " I am so so sorry , " had come out of my mouth more times than I could swallow . These people had every right to be mad , we were way behind . I wanted to rip the magazine to shreds ! Why ? You might ask ? The article was about Mr . Suit and his wonderful new approach to office communication . Apparently , theses " higher ups " spend their time perusing the Internet and business magaThis is why I support Occupy Wall Street . Our Nation is broken . The ideals and the structure are still good . The Constitution is still excellent . The problem is in the way it has been usurped and abused by those that have the ability and the selfish priorities that have taken it over . The problem is with those that cannot see past their silver spoons to see what is going on beyond it . I DO NOT begrudge anyone who has worked hard for their money , earned it honestly and enjoys those benefits . I do not . I begrudge those that have lied , cheated and stolen their money from those that entrusted them with theirs . I begrudge those that think we , in the woking class , should pay more taxes than they do so they can have government bailouts and handouts and then reward themselves with bonuses and perks . I begrudge those that we elect , to protect our rights and our freedoms , being bought out by those same people who lied and cheated and stole from us . And I begrudge those who think we should produce more with less people , get paid less , and be grateful we have a job at all . Posted by I think I have said before that we live in a very small town with a long history . It was founded in 1859 . According to Wikipedia , Rossville and Ross Township were named for Jacob Ross , a settler in the area . However , the location was first named Liggett 's Grove in honor of John Liggett who built a lodging house there in 1829 . Liggett 's cabin was located on the Hubbard Trail , an early trading route established byGurdon Hubbard from Chicago to Danville . In 1833 , this became the first state highway ( now Illinois Route 1 ) and in 1914 was made part of the Dixie Highway . In 1838 , Alvan Gilbert purchased the Liggett farm , and the next year became postmaster at the newly - established post office . Rossville was incorporated as a village in August 1859 . And , of course , before that this land was inhabited by Native Americans of different origins . Now , with that kind of history , if there is such a thing as ghosts , there are bound to be a few around town . The building across the street from my house seems to be of great interest to those that do believe . It is an old Masonic Temple that was built 105 years ago . The same time my house was built . It is a beautiful building , sadly run down , but you can imagine it as it once was . The detailing in the architecture , the windows , the red brick , is all stunning . Even the creepy guy above the door is mesmerizing . I 'm sure at one time the original Masons that owned the building were very proud of it , and sad to sell it when the time came . Since that time , the building has been a few different things . The last being an antique store . When Willie and I moved here last year , it was closed and for sale . We have spent many evenings on our front porch looking at the building and wondering what we could do with it if we had the money . We looked it up on line , the cost was meager , $ 15 , 000 , less than a car . The repairs the building that would need to be done , would probably be several $ 100 , 000 . Way beyond our means . This last week or so the for sale sign has come down . This truck has been in front of the building several times since then . It you look closely it says , Indiana Ghost Trackers on it . I haven 't decided if I find it hilarious or completely fascinating . A friend of mine that has lived in the area for her whole life says the building has been investigated for ghosts before . I have joked around about having ghosts living in my houses before . To the point where I even named our ghost Ferdinand . We had a TV at one time , that would turn on and off , all by itself , for no reason . We would be sound asleep , and the TV would turn on . At first we thought we rolled on the remote , or for a long time we thought maybe the neighbor 's remote might be on the same frequency and our TV was reacting to his remote . We convinced ourselves that was the case for a long time . We lived in a trailer park and our houses were very close , it made sense , a little anyway . Then a light in our front room started doing the same thing . Ferdinand had expanded his enterprise . We moved from the trailer , which lets face it , it could have been the wiring that caused such things . We moved into a house in Danville , Il . It was older , built in the 1930 's if I remember right . We left the possessed TV behind . Ferdinand still came with us . The light kept turning on and off , and he also took up residence in something else , but I can 't remember what for sure . When we moved back to Iowa and it seemed we had left Ferdinand behind . Maybe he liked the old house better , maybe it was wiring again . Maybe , he invaded my car . I have always had quirky cars . It may start out as a normal car , if I drive it too long , like a month or two , quirks always develop . I had a car who every time we opened the back door , the dinger would go off , you know the one that goes off when you leave the keys in the car . The one that is supposed to go off when you open the front door . That was just one of its quirks . I also drove a van for Van Meter School district , to take a child to Winterset a couple of times a week . It was fine when I started driving it . After a few months , its dinger started going off every time I hit the brakes to slow down . Yeah , that got very annoying very fast . I wonder if it still does it ? My van now , when I turn on the heater fan , the back windshield wiper comes on . Wiring on my cars always seems to get criss - crossed or something . It is never anything dangerous , just strange and obnoxious . Like someone or something is always playing jokes on me . My cars always have quirks . I mean , why does every single car I drive end up with strange quirks . Are they really quirks ? Or do I have permanent visitors that travel with me . Does Ferdinand follow me every where I go ? He has always had a thing for electrical items , and when quirks come up it always seem to be in wiring . When I saw the truck across the street the first time I laughed and thought , what a racket , and wondered how I could get a job doing that ? Then I looked up their website , wondering how much they make off of others ' fears , and found that they don 't charge a thing . It is a group of people who really believe in what they are doing . Not like the old movie " Ghost Busters . " I would actually love to know what they " find . " What the truck has done , has made me think about , do I believe in ghosts ? As I have aged , I have found myself believing things I never thought I would . Like , yes , I most definitely , not just believe , but KNOW that the full moon makes people act a little loony . Sometimes , a LOT loony . Thirty years ago , I 'd have laughed in my own face if I 'd have said that , but much experience has changed my mind . So , I guess , I am much more open minded about the idea of ghosts than I used to be . If I do have ghosts following me around , they seem to be more goofish than ghoulish . They seem to have a sense of humor and just like to play jokes on me . As long as that is all they do , I 'm more than happy to share my space with them . December of 2012 will mark my 50th birthday . A half a century of life . Many feel old hitting such a milestone . Maybe as it gets closer I will have that reaction , too . Right now though , It doesn 't seem to bother me . My age has only bothered me once . My 25th birthday , for some reason , that I still today cannot explain , was a tough one for me . I think that was the only birthday that I had that , " I am so old , " feeling . Why then , and not say , 30 or 40 ? Heck if I know . The only thing I feel about turning 50 next year is the urge to do and see things I have never done before . I have a bucket list in my iPhone . I started on it last year sometime and add to it now and then . Most of the things , honestly , I know I will probably never do . Most of the things involve travel . I would love to travel . I 've stated that before on here . I have never had the chance to travel much . Most of my travels were with my Girl Scout troops in junior and senior high school . That was an awful long time ago . I want to do more , yes I am the greedy type . So , here is my list . It is kind of a long one , which is why I probably wont get to do it all . It isn 't in any type of an order . I 'll be happy getting to do whatever whenever . I have never ever been on an airplane . Not because I have any phobia , just have never had the opportunity . I would love to go on one . It would make it a lot easier to go to some of the places I 'd like to go , but big boats are good too , I 'd do that . Flying first class of course would be the most enjoyable , relaxing and watching out the window without someone almost on top of me is the dream . I 'd be just as satisfied to go couch , just to be able to say I had been on an airplane . A few of the things I would like to do could all be taken care of in one trip . For instance , I would like to fly over the Atlantic ocean . I would like to go to Europe . I would like to walk in the footsteps of the Beatles . All could be done on the same trip . That and going to Ireland , Scotland , and seeing the French countryside . It would be a long trip true , but what an awesome trip . Maybe go to Sweden , and see Stockholm too . Another place in Europe I 'd like to spend a lot of time , Germany . My father 's family is from Germany . It would be interesting to see where the family is from . Look in a phonebook and see how many Siepmanns I would find . Maybe find a headstone of an ancestor . Walk the streets they walked on . See the places they saw . Breathe the air they lived in . As much as I would like to do all of that , what I would really like to do is spend time traveling my own home country . I read an article once about a trail you can walk on the east coast . It goes from Maine to Florida . At the right time , you can start at one end and walk and see the seasons change . It would take weeks , but wouldn 't it be the most aw inspiring thing to do ? I would love it . Absolutely , love it . I would definitely want a good camera for that . I 'd love to spend that time with Willie , like a second honeymoon . There are other things I 'd really like to do specifically with my husband . He was born in Hawaii , I would love to go there with him . One thing I know I would really like to do while we are there , eat gourmet Spam . That 's right , gourmet Spam . I hear it is a huge thing in Hawaii . Therefore , I see it as a must do . Plus , going to Hawaii would make two more goals possible , flying over the Pacific and seeing a volcano . I would love to spend a summer in Alaska . Just get in a car and drive where ever I can drive to . I would love to lie down outside , with Willie and watch the northern lights . We could travel the state enjoying nature where it is still truly nature . A new camera would be in order . Then there are the places I would love to take Kahlen , and any new grandchildren that will come along . Disney World or Disneyland scream to mind . I have never been there , my kids have never been there , what a wonderful big old family trip that would be . Maybe it could be on the way to another dream family trip , a Christmas cruise to the Bahamas . Other Christmas trips I 'd love to take , one would be to New York City . Ice fall in in Central Park . Yes , I said ice fall , I 'm sure whatever I would be doing could not be called ice skating . I want to see the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center . I want to take Kahlen to see Santa Claus at Macy 's in NYC . I know , I know , very touristy , but I 've never been there . Oh , and we could go see The Lion King or Beauty and the Beast or what ever is playing while we were there . I also want to take Kahlen to see the National Christmas tree in Washington DC . I like Christmas trees . I like Christmas . I would enjoy sharing Christmas with my family in new places . Seeing how Christmas is celebrated in different cities and towns . The decorations and traditions , how they are different , how they are the same . I love camping , I love camping with my family . I would love taking a camping trip with the whole family to the Rocky Mountains . Camp at Yellowstone , I 've been there before , with Girl Scouts , but never with my family . Go to the Grand Canyon , camp , ride donkeys , take the gondola ride across the canyon . Go on a helicopter tour . Watch the kids ' faces as they see it all for the first time too . There is so much more . Constitution Hall , The Liberty Bell , The Lincoln Memorial , Gettysburg , so much history , our country 's roots . The places they decided that birthing this nation at the risk of their own lives was important and necessary . The places that great decisions were made . The places where people gave all to keep our nation whole . It is overwhelming to think about . So , there is the bulk of my bucket list . I 'm sure there is more , but these are the most important to me . Maybe someday . . . . . . probably not . It is so yucky outside today . The Great Lakes Cyclone 's fingers found their way clear down here . We have had strong winds and rain the past day or two . It is cold and windy and still spitting rain even today . Of course the major side effect of strong winds , in the fall , when you have 37 trees in your yard . . . . . Leaves , lots and lots of leaves . Our backyard is becoming carpeted with leaves . Brown is the new green . It seems as though we just got through cleaning up leaves from last spring and now they are back . The good news , at least for now is that the vomit tree seems to not have much fruit on it this year . I have been studying it , looking for fruit , and just don 't see a lot . So , far no big stink yet this year either . The bad news , there are still many , many , many leaves still to come . Some haven 't even changed color yet . Oh , the work ahead of us . I plan on writing a happy blog about Alyssa and Shane 's reception . However , since I didn 't take many pictures myself I am waiting for pictures from a friend to use for my blog . I was busy enjoying the moments that come once in a lifetime and left the picture taking to others . I can 't wait to share them with you . Some that I have seen so far are wonderful ! Both from my friend Dawn Blackburn of Fat Dog Creative in St . Charles , Mo , and the wedding photographer , Katharyne Dunn , of Katharyne Dunn Photography in Altoona , Iowa . As you can see by the two sneak peaks the wait will be so worth it ! We went to my favorite Indiana State park again , Shades . Some of you have seen photos from there before . I found a trail that I had never been on before , which actually took me over to a wildlife preserve adjacent to the park . I didn 't see any wildlife , we heard some scuffling here and there , which peaked Bazinga 's interest . Mostly though we saw beautiful fall leaves all around . It was just breezy enough that now and then we found ourselves in the middle of a magical whirlwind of leaves . I tried desperately to take pictures of the wind blown fantasy , but with no avail . My simple little camera was not able to catch the dancing leaves . It focused on the wrong things and I couldn 't convince it to focus on anything else . Finally , I just pointed the camera up and hit the shutter over and over . Sadly , replicating our experience was not to be . Hopefully , one day soon , a camera with great resolution and more creative control will come my way . I have my eye on a Nikon , but it will take many months of money saving to get it . When I do , I will celebrate with a photo taking spree like no other . I can 't wait ! The photo below is a tree root that fascinated me . I couldn 't , no matter how I tried , get my camera to focus on it properly . It made me very sad . The root reminded me of a wood nymph or some other woodland fairy creature . The big eye , the hat and hair that drapes over the other eye . The little pouty mouth , that is so sad about how our world is changing , and not for the better . Perhaps the little wood nymph has a way to make things better . Can you see my little wood nymph , or am I just as crazy as others have tried to convince me I am . On September 24 , 2011 at five in the evening my youngest daughter became a married woman ! The days leading up to the wedding were stressful , but in the best way stress can be . There were times I was ready to strangle my beloved daughter , but tried to keep an understanding heart . The rehearsal dinner was simple and fun . Casual and laid back , just what was needed for both bride and groom , and parents alike . Pizza was delivered and enjoyed by all . A stressed out groom found time to tell his frenzied bride how much he loved her . A very stressed out bride had time to sit for a minute to breathe . After the rehearsal dinner , a stressed out mother and father of the bride found time to visit friends and have a much needed glass of wine . That may surprise one or two of you , but don 't be too surprised , it was just me partaking , Willie just relaxed and enjoyed laughing and talking . The night went by quickly and a little sleeplessly . The morning was absolutely lovely and a perfect early fall day . A perfect day for pictures . Calm breezes and warm temperatures made it comfortable for bride and wedding party . Kahlen happily watched as preparations continued . She was one of the flower girls . She felt like a princess in her pretty dress . She looked like an angel from Heaven . She had fun showing off her pretty shoes and was fascinated by her pearl neckless . Photo by Anita Luvaas The bride was gorgeously stunning and the groom handsome . Both looked happy if not terrified . The realness setting in , the foreverness both exciting and overwhelming . They both had the glazed over look of soon to be newlyweds . Preparations all went as planned , the only thing that didn 't go the way the bride wanted was having to stand on a balcony for pictures . Alyssa takes after her father and is a little fearful of heights . It took much convincing to get her out their . The ceremony was simple and perfect . The bride and groom looked happily frightened and completely in love . Kahlen walked with her flower girl partner , and did everything exactly as practiced . She stood with the bridal party for part of the ceremony and on my lap for part . She just knew she belonged up their with her mommy and daddy . Willie walked Alyssa down the isle bursting with pride . His smile beamed for all to see . He was dashing in his tuxedo , and watching them both was like a surreal dream . A surreal dream of the best kind . The kind where you are so focused on one thing that everything around you blurs and drifts away into a soft swirling fog . We each hugged our littlest and watched her walk to her groom . It was a vision like none I have ever seen before . It was my little girl , all grown up , marrying the love of her life . Alyssa 's wedding is one week from today . One week ! This week has been very busy trying to get things ready that I can help with from here . I 've made eight corsages , and three bridesmaids bouquets . I bought my dress . I 've made meatballs . All summer I have felt a little guilty , I bought and planted a bunch of herbs . I planted rosemary , thyme , basil , oregano , parsley , sage and chives . Then this summer , I never felt like cooking anything . At all . The herbs kept growing and I kept not using them . I felt bad for spending the money , on them and not using them . Well , the guilt is gone . I have harvested , washed , picked through and chopped so many herbs the last week that my fingers may be permanently green . I have used just about all of the herbs except the sage and chives . They have paid for themselves many times over now . If I had bought all of the herbs for the meatballs at the store it would have added up very quickly . I probably would have had to use dried herbs just because of the cost . I have smelled like a walking talking meatball for days ! No matter how many times you shower or wash your hands the smell just stays with you . And then of course there is the onions and garlic . Anyone who knows me , knows I HATE onions . I hate them with a passion . I don 't like them cooked , I don 't like them raw . I know , and this is the ONLY reason I will ever use them , that they do add flavor to dishes . When I do decided to use them , which is very rarely , there is only one way I can do it , I " slap chop " the hell out of them . I dice them up very , very small with my knife , and then put the tiny dices in my slap chopper , and pulverize them . After that , I must cook them down to nonexistence , or I won 't be able to eat them . Yes , I said frying . I guess there are many thoughts on how to cook a proper meatball . When I was growing up , my mom pan fried her meatballs to brown the outside , and then put them in the sauce to finish cooking . I have always made them that way as well . I am a big fan of the Food Network . Out of curiosity , I have watched many different shows about making meatballs . Alton Brown says that my way of making meatballs is NOT " Good Eats . " He says to bake them . Tyler Florence , says to bake them too . He says , " it 's how we do it in our restaurants . " They hold their shape better , they said . You can cook them faster , they said . Valerie , my daughter , said that she had baked them and it worked great . Ok , so I decided to bake them . . . . once . They tasted fine , but they had a weird spongy texture that I did not like . I did not like it at all . Then I started thinking . I have never meant a restaurant meatball that I liked . Never . I mean they aren 't awful or anything , well , sometimes , but they are never good . I rarely ever order meatballs when I 'm out , even as much as I love them , because they always disappoint . Even as a child , I remember being unhappy with any meatball but my mom 's . So . . . . . why would I change that ? Now , my meatballs are not perfectly shaped orbs of meat . Pan frying them leaves them flat on two sides . I fry them on one side for five minutes and them turn them over and fry them on the other side for five minutes . They have two flat sides . But , I can 't say that I care . I just want them to taste good . I 've been writing this post in five minute intervals . I can fit about sixteen meatballs in my frying pan at a time . I have made approximately 247 so far . That 's a lot of five minute intervals . I woke up early as usual . I was a school bus driver for Van Meter School District at the time and had to be to work at 6 : 45 am . I woke up the kids to get ready for school . Sierra , our cat came with me , as she did every day , jumping on each bed as I turned on their lights and roused them . I gave them each a hug and then left for work . It was a beautiful September morning . I was thinking to myself about what I needed to get done for Alyssa 's birthday supper . She turned eleven that day . It was her " spirit birthday " or so she was told by one of her teachers . A " spirit birthday " is the birthday where you turn the age that the date of your birthday is . Alyssa believed that that meant it was going to be a special birthday . Being newly eleven , which is still young enough to believe in magic , I 'm sure she believed she would have a magical birthday . I got to the school , got my bus ready and headed out . My route went as usual , I must not have had the radio on that morning . I parked my bus and went to my car . I wanted to go and vote in the school board election so I could get it out of the way so I could get on with my day . I turned on the car and the radio . I turned off the radio , I turned off the car . I walked into the school . I walked into the cafeteria . There was a study hall of high schoolers in there . What would normally have been a buzzing noise of students talking , and lunch ladies working , was replaced with a strange hush . I looked around and went into the kitchen . I asked if they knew what had happened . The head cook , looked at me with a stunned face and said yes , and remarked on how quickly the study hall had changed . How quickly these high schoolers had changed . I looked through the kitchen serving window and looked at the students . Faces , young faces , were dazed , fighting tears , reddening with anger . Boys , suddenly realized how quickly they may be asked to become men . Would their college plans change to a military future . Girls , some weeping openly , wondered what was happening to the world around them . What seemed important when they walked into school , fifteen minutes earlier , faded quickly to frivolity . I looked at the faces . I wanted very much to collect my children and take them home . I went to the office , the elementary principle was talking to someone , saying that counselors were saying it was important to let kids stay in their normal routine . Keep them in school , keep them busy . I left and went to vote . Suddenly , voting seemed even more important . I was riveted to the TV . I couldn 't stop watching . I got on the computer . At that time AOL was the main way to get onto the Internet . I got on , and looked for more news even as I had CNN on the TV . I saw my brother was online and I IM 'd him to ask where exactly my sister lived in New York . I wasn 't very familiar with New York City , at all , and didn 't know if she might be in danger . She was safe . As we were messaging back and forth I saw something that said that one of the towers had fallen and said something to him about it . He told me , no , he could still see the tower there , they had to be mistaken . After I finished reading his comment I turned back to the TV to see if I could see the tower through all that smoke . As I studied the screen , the second tower fell . There goes the second tower , was all I could write back . I turned away from the computer and just stared at the TV . I wondered if this was a bad dream , was it some strange " War of the Worlds " dramatization ? The world seemed to have stopped for an eternity . Words left the reporters , people that you are used to hearing babble on and on , had nothing to say . " You have mail " screamed my computer . It had interrupted me from my tunnel vision with a start . My heart jumped from my chest , it was like an alarm clock waking me from a deep sleep . I turned , it was an email from my friend Dawn . " All those people , " are the only three words I remember about it . Later that afternoon I went back to work to take kids home from school . I brought red , white and blue ribbons back with me . Each of us drivers tied one on our bus rear view mirrors on the door side of the bus so the kids could see them when they came out of the school . My afternoon route did not go as usual . I left the radio off . Kindergartners to high schoolers were on my bus . The older kids sat , still in a stunned silence . Looking out the window as the world went by . A world that looked so much different than the world they went by just that morning . The younger kids asked questions . Questions I didn 't know how to answer . Questions that had no answers . I got back to the school , got in my car , turned on the radio , and went home . Conferences were that night at school . The principles decided to continue with them , again keep the kids in their routine . I got home , I asked the kids if they wanted to go to conferences , they said no . We stayed home . We tried to enjoy Alyssa 's birthday dinner . I can 't tell you what we had . I don 't remember making anything . Willie 's cousins were there . The four of us tried to make the evening as normal as possible for Valerie , Josh and especially Alyssa . Her magical birthday was not to be . We ate , we sang happy birthday , we opened presents . We watched President Bush address the nation . Iowa usually seems so far away from New York City . Iowa usually seems like a different world than Washington DC . Shanksville , Pennsylvania , was not even known to me . That day , that horrid horrid day , suddenly they felt like next door . Suddenly , every single one of those firefighters , police officers , and people from many countries , faiths and creeds , they were all family . The world had shrunk exponentially that day . I haven 't been in much of a inspired mood lately . I 've had a hard time thinking of things to blog about , unless it is bad mood stuff , and I don 't want to do a lot of that . So , I was looking at some photos I took recently and decided to just tell little tidbits about them . I have decided that this is my new dream vehicle . Now , I know that since it is my new dream vehicle I should know everything about it . I don 't , you can ask my kids , knowing things about automobiles is not something my brain does . I seem to have a finite amount of room for information in my brain . If I start remembering detailed information about cars , I 'll forget something else . That something else might be something important , like , how to get to work , for instance . All I know is that Willie and I saw it at a car show at the Hoopston Sweetcorn Festival . It is a Ford , I know this because it says Ford on it . It is old , it is reddish orange , and it has white walls . I don 't have real big desires when it comes to cars . If it goes forward and backwards , turns right and left , stops on demand and has a heater , I am pretty well set . Oh , and not having the engine belt fall off every time it rains is a big plus , but I can work with that . I just really like the way this truck looks . I can see me tooling around in it . It looks fun . This spider is living in my garden . As ferocious as he looks , I decided to let him be . I figure he is eating the bugs we don 't want on our vegetables . Plus , he is way in the back yard and not in my house . As long as he realizes that he does not belong in my house , we can coexist . And finally , I have a definite love hate relationship with this bridge . It is the bridge over the Mississippi river between Iowa and Illinois on interstate 80 . When I am going west on it I love it . It is a welcome sight , it is beckoning me home . It is the bridge to my family . When I am going east on it , well , I said no bad mood stuff for this blog , so I will stop . Soon , I will be going west on it again for Alyssa 's wedding . That makes me happy . This is the sound of the thirteen year locusts when you have thirty - seven trees in your yard . ( if the video works this time ) http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = tjJAMv5UrW4 If you can 't get it to work try this link to youtube This year is the year of the thirteen year locust in Illinois . For those of you who may not have experienced this phenomenon , it is a sound to behold . These little critters come out in mass once every thirteen years . I 'm not completely sure how the whole process works , but here are the basics . Once every thirteen years , these locusts who have been underground dig their way to the surface . They climb into the trees . They make a whole heck of a lot of noise , and mate . They shed their skin , leave a big mess and die , leaving even a bigger mess . The last time they came to visit , we were in Iowa . I think they come in a different cycle there . Joshua , was seven or eight . He had been fascinated with these strange and new creatures . We went on a lot of walks in the woods and heard the loud humming most of the summer . Then one day we went for a walk at Walnut Woods State Park in Des Moines . The locusts were starting to die . There were locusts all over the ground , some already dead . some still dying . Josh , not ready for the end of this experience was trying to save the little guys . He would carefully pick up a locust that was on the ground still moving . He gently placed them back on the tree they had fallen from . Once he was satisfied that locust was safe he would move on to the next . He was determined to save these rather disgusting looking bugs . I didn 't have the heart to tell him his mission was doomed to fail . We spent the better portion of that afternoon saving locusts . Valerie was disgusted by the whole thing , the crunching of the carcasses under her feet grossed her out . Alyssa , helped Josh , but I think she was pretty disgusted too . I am a self proclaimed artist and photographer , but will never make any money at it because , lets face it not many people get that chance . But thats ok , because it means my art is all my own , not what someone else wants it to be . Although , I have recently made a little money painting windows , which has been a lot of fun . I love my family more than I would have ever imagined . That is the one constant in my life . I am a wife , mother and grandmother . Even with every change that comes along , no matter how far I am from them , my family is my life . Please know that all of the text and photos are copy right protected . All rights reserved . Not to be duplicated or used in anyway with out express permission of the author of this blog I know It has been forever since I posted . I just haven 't been able to find words to write . It 's not that I haven 't had . . . Stroganoff . What does stroganoff have to do with Tucker the Pig . . . well , I 'm going to tell you . If you are a great foodie who loves his . . . I woke up this morning full of hope for the day . Stacey was coming out to stay with Dad while I went to a doctor appointment . After my app . . . Yesterday , I decided it was time . I 've lived in this house for a year and a half now . The room has been there the whole time . I peake . . . |
I nodded , but I still couldn 't take my eyes off of the spider on the wall . I pointed at it with my gun . " That mean anythin ' to you , Harl ? " I could tell Ironsmith was itching to get outta there , but he was also curious , ' cause dwarves are just built that way . They love to take things apart , see what makes ' em work . " So what 's the story with this girl ? What 's she got herself involved with ? " " Damned if I know . She 's a singer at that club , an ' we just kinda … got talkin ' I guess . Then she told me she was in some kinda trouble , gave me her card an ' … yeah … " I trailed off . Thinking about it in the cold light of day , it didn 't actually seem like too smart an idea to have come running all the way across town . Especially now Lily 's apartment had been trashed and she was missing . " Nothin ' . Just , well , dames who ask for help , then kiss you , then get you mixed up in some business with poison . Well , Ragnar , I guess all I 'm gettin ' at is that you have a real talent for gettin ' involved with people you probably shouldn 't oughta . Catch my drift ? " " Yeah , yeah . " I looked around at the mess of her bedroom . There wasn 't much to go on here either . I could comb the place for days , try to find some clue about who did this , but if the giant spider painted on the wall wasn 't enough to go on I was a pretty crummy private detective . " I guess we should get outta here . " " Uh … well , yeah , I guess she did . She said they 'd caught up with her or somethin ' . Tell you the truth , my brain 's still a little mixed up . But yeah , far as I recall , she was on the run , or she made it sound that way . " " What d ' you mean ? Hey , wait up , buddy . " Ironsmith was hurrying right for the stairs , but I was still pretty unsteady on my feet . I reached out for his arm . That stopped me short . " Huh ? I thought dwarves got everywhere . There ain 't a place in the world wain 't got one of your lodges . How the heck do they build anythin ' there if they ain 't got dwarves ? " " I ain 't know an ' I ain 't care , " Ironsmith said brusquely as he went down the stairs . He 'd slowed down a little for my benefit now though . " Every dwarf knows that we ain 't welcome in Svartheim , that 's all . It 's a bad place . " " You got no idea , Ragnar . No idea . " We were halfway down the stairs when we heard a sound through one of the grimy windows that made us both stop and hold our breaths . Sirens . Last thing you wanna hear when you 're fleeing the scene of a crime . " I probably shoulda asked this before , " Ironsmith said , " but you wouldn 't by any chance have been seen talkin ' to this Lily dame , would you ? " We were both still staring outta the window . We could see the lights flashing down below in the street now , and hear the sounds of shouts . Sounded like there were a few cars and maybe a wagon down there . " An ' I guess she probably ain 't been seen since then . " I felt pretty comfortable in an interview room . I might 've been a crummy private dick at times , but I had a way of filling up a small room that made it pretty tough for anyone to take control of a situation . The cops might 've had guns , cuffs and a whole station full of their buddies , but you get in a room alone with a hulking Northman like me and things don 't seem quite so simple . I rapped my knuckles on the table and whistled tunelessly for a bit . The guard , a uniformed cop I didn 't recognise , watched me silently . The door opened and a detective in a shirt and tie came in . He was Cimmerian , like a lot of guys on the force , but I didn 't know him either . I 'd heard the NAPD had hired a lot of new men recently in response to all the upheavals that had been going on . Well the dragon wasn 't coming back , and a fat lot of good the cops had been against that anyway . The detective sat down in the chair opposite me and slapped some files down on the table . " All right , " he said , " let 's get started here . " " I 'm askin ' the questions , Ulrichson . " So he knew me , at least . Course , he had my file , probably right there in the pile in front of me . I didn 't have too many priors , just some mischief as a kid . Enough to discount me from any government jobs , but nothing worse than most of the folks who 'd grown up in this city . He started flicking through one of the files . I could make out a couple of photographs of Lily 's apartment . " What 's your relationship to Miss Araneae ? " " Who ? " He held up Lily 's photo . It was a mugshot , so obviously she had some priors of her own , but I could see from the card she was holding up that the photo , probably the whole file , had come from Svartheim . Whatever Ironsmith said then , at least the two police departments had some kinda working relationship . That was something . " I ain 't got any kinda relationship with her , " I said , honestly , " I didn 't even know that was her last name until right this second . " " No , I said we ain 't got a relationship . I met her for the first time last night . " I was starting to feel nauseous again . I couldn 't figure out if I just needed a drink or if it was whatever poison was still in my system . I could still see the shadows around the edge of my vision . Hel , they seemed to have gotten worse if anything , rising up from the floor and closing in from the walls on either side . It made everything look dark and dingy , and the interview room was already pretty dark and dingy even without that . I hadn 't just been trying to get the guard a little more tightly wound when I asked him for coffee - I really did need something to set my head straight . " Listen , pal , " I said , leaning over to the detective , " you 've seen my file . You know I ain 't the kinda guy that gets involved in this kinda business . I might have a couple rough edges , but I 'm straight as an arrow . I wouldn 't hurt no dame . Go talk to your commissioner . McKinley knows me . " " I got three witnesses that put you there . Then you get picked up hangin ' ' round outside her apartment after we get a report of a disturbance . Care to explain where you were last night ? " " Ah , see , now that 's the thing . I think someone drugged me , ' cause I got this headache an ' my balance is shot to Hel . Plus I got these weird dark patches that seem to be crawlin ' into my field of vision the whole time . " " It 's kinda complicated . See , she told me she was in trouble , an ' when I woke up I went over there ' cause , what with me bein ' drugged an ' all … look , " I laid my hands flat on the table , " we 're both reasonable folks here , right ? What is it you think I did ? Kidnapped her ? ' Cause you checked my pockets an ' she ain 't there . Why would I hang around the scene of my own crime ? It don 't make no sense ! " He made another note on a file . I realised I didn 't even know his name . " You 're right that I looked at your record , Mr Ulrichson . I think I got you figured out . " He leant close to me . " Why is it you seem to get involved in everythin ' that goes on in this city ? The attempted assassination of Mr Amandil , the dragon attack . For a dumb barbarian with no real connections , a crummy apartment downtown , a private detective business that ain 't exactly makin ' him rich , you seem to get involved in some pretty high level situations . " " You think I smell like roses ? " I tugged at my soiled suit jacket . A night out in any alley in New Atlas will leave you stinking bad enough , never mind if you were using trash bags for a bed . " Not a very good one , like you said . " I winced as my headache took a turn for the agonising . It was taking all my smarts , such as they were , to keep up with this guy . These new cops were a tougher breed than the old ones . I had a feeling this guy would do things by the book , which meant I 'd be looking at a stay in the cells before this got straightened out . But , something he 'd said before was niggling at my mind . He 'd said they 'd been called to investigate a disturbance . " Hold up , who called you to Lily 's apartment ? " " ' Cause I found one of her shoes there , an ' she was wearin ' ' em last night . But only one , so she must 've kicked it off in some sorta struggle . That means the place must 've got trashed hours before me an ' Ironsmith showed up . Why 'd your boys show up just as we happened to be there ? " " An ' I counted three cars an ' a wagon out there , an ' at least a dozen cops . What were you expectin ' to find ? Someone calls in a disturbance in the middle of the night , you ain 't send an armed response unit . But for Ragnar Ulrichson , the man who faced down a dragon … " " Look , the fact is you ain 't got no alibi . You talk to some broad , she goes missin ' , then you show up at her apartment the next mornin ' . That makes you a suspect . " " No it ain 't : it makes me a witness . You know I ain 't kidnapped her . Where would I put her ? You probably checked my place already , an ' my office . " I laughed . " Ironsmith ? You probably let him go free already - his alibi 's watertight . He was probably workin ' all night , or in the lodge . I bet there 's a hundred dwarves an ' orcs can tell you exactly where he was the whole time . An ' he 's got no record at all , ' cause he 's a good dwarf boy an ' they keep their noses clean . You want the truth ? The truth is , I was doin ' a job I wished I didn 't have to an ' I got talkin ' to Lily Ara … Aran … whatever her damn name is ! I got talkin ' to her an ' she told me she was in trouble . She didn 't wanna talk about it in the club so she took me outside . She gave me her card , an ' then I got all dizzy an ' fell into some trash . Ironsmith dug me out an ' we went to her apartment to see if we could figure out who drugged me . You know the rest . " I locked eyes with the detective . He wasn 't a hard man , just a loyal one . But to what , and who ? He knew more than he was letting on , but he was trying to catch me out somehow . I wondered what was going on , and how deep this went . " That 's all , " I said calmly . " Can I go now ? " I stood up , but lost my balance right away . Sitting down it hadn 't been so bad , but now all the wooziness flooded back into my head and the floor was spinning all over the place again . The shadows loomed in around me . I stumbled a couple steps , tried to right myself using the table , but wound up flipping the whole thing over and crashing down to the floor . The uniformed cop and the detective both rushed over to me . Everything was starting to go dark again , and I could just hear the detective say , " Get him to Officer Redcap 's lab , see if she can figure out what he drank … " This wake up was better than the last one . I opened my eyes slowly and smiled at the face looking down at me . " Hey … " She drew back quickly , and everything came tumbling back into my head again . I winced and started to sit up . I was on a couch in Poppy 's cramped little lab . " When did you get this in here ? " " Oh right . " I looked at her . She was as pretty as she 'd been the last time I saw her but , it might 've been just my imagination , but she looked a little more tired , a little paler than before . Like times were tough . " How 've you been ? " I asked . She gave me a flat look . Damn but she could rip me apart with that look . You 'd never know it to look at her - a slim little gnome girl , barely five feet tall , round rosy cheeks , a cute button nose , eyes like dewdrops … No . Couldn 't think like that . Not right now . " I gave you somethin ' that I think might help , but you need to see a real doctor . " She took a seat on her little wheeled stool and scooted over to the desk . It was full of little cubby holes . She took out a glass tube and tossed it across to me . " See that ? " It was filled with blood . I held it up to the light . There was something cloudy and black floating in it . I shook it , but it didn 't settle . " What am I lookin ' at ? " " Don 't ask me . I 'm surprised you didn 't notice it happenin ' though . That 's a strong dose . You should 've been able to smell it . " " Why didn 't you just say that ? " I asked , a little snippily . I looked at the vial of my blood . It looked pretty nasty . " Breathe it in , you say ? Could they have piped it into the club ? " " Only for a day or so . That stuff gets in your blood , as you can see . " She pointed at the vial . " It 's runnin ' through every vein in your body . You 'll start to see some discolouration in your extremities pretty soon . " " Yeah . An ' I 've given you somethin ' to block the dizziness , nausea an ' the headaches , but that 's not gonna last long . When the symptoms come back , they 're gonna be a lot worse . Black Lotus … it kills slowly . " She swallowed , and I saw then how scared she was . She did care . We never stopped feeling how we felt about each other . It just … hadn 't worked out . " Someone smaller , not so tough , they 'd be dead already , I reckon . " She turned back to her desk . " I can give you some of the drug I used to fix you up today , but it 's got diminishing returns . You keep usin ' it , it 'll have less an ' less effect each time . There 's a war goin ' on inside you . " She crossed the room to hand me a bottle of some powder . As she passed it to me , our fingers brushed and I felt my heart skip a beat . " Dissolve it in water , " she whispered . She gave me a pained look . " Act smart for once in your life , Ragnar . Go home , rest , then find a doctor tomorrow . A good one . This is your life we 're talkin ' about . Don 't … don 't get involved in somethin ' crazy again … " I stood up from the couch . I was a little stiff , but on the whole I felt better than I had in a while . I could still have used a drink though . " Detectin ' , yeah , that 's a good plan . " I looked around . Her lab looked shabbier than it had last time I was here . But then , the whole city was like that at the moment . " Funny , I don 't think I 've ever seen the station wound as tight as this . " " You got a lotta new guys started here recently . " It wasn 't just the detective who 'd interviewed me - the cops who 'd picked me up where all strangers , and I knew most of the force , or thought I did . When they took me through the station , most of the faces I 'd seen where new too . Humans , not a few Northmen with them , like me . But also not like me . They were cleaner cut somehow , but I could see the same ice in their eyes . I did a circuit of her lab , which didn 't take long , just peering at shelves , pretending to be interested in all the jars of weird stuff she had . " Where 's McKinley today ? Ain 't like him to take a day off … " " C ' mon , what ain 't you tellin ' me , Poppy ? All these new faces , the commissioner away from his post . What 's happenin ' to this place ? " " He did ? Then maybe that sonofabitch can get me a doctor too … " I was headed for the door already , but I stopped with my hand on the knob and turned back to her . " Listen , Poppy . About what happened … " I still didn 't feel exactly one hundred percent as I walked out the station . My hip hurt like always , but that probably had more to do with having slept in an alleyway last night . The weather hadn 't improved since I got hauled away by the cops and I couldn 't figure out if it was fog or rain that filled the air . I felt dirty and hot again , and I wanted to get back to my apartment and take a shower , except I figured I should swing by Ironsmith 's yard and thank him for posting my bail . I was just checking to see whether I had change for a cab , when I saw the first familiar face besides Poppy 's that I 'd seen since I was at the station . It was a cop named Beregond , a Stonelander who 'd helped me out before now . I nodded to him when he recognised me . " How 's it goin ' , pal ? " I asked . He took my arm and led me away from the station 's front entrance . We got twenty yards or so down the road and he jerked his head to one side and we stepped around the corner of a building so we were outta sight . " Boy , am I glad to see you , " Beregond told me . " No . " He looked around again , as if anyone would be listening in to two big guys , one a cop , having a conversation on a quiet side street . New Atlas may be a dirty city , but even the criminals had some sense . " You know about McKinley ? " He gave me a dark look , and again I was struck by how grey and run down he looked . When I last saw him , he was ready to volunteer to literally run into a dragon 's den with me , but now he looked like a shadow of his former self . " You ain 't understand how bad it 's got . These new guys , they real by the book . " " Thing is , the book was written years ago ! An ' it seems that almost everyone we haul in is a non - human . Good kids , y ' know , ordinary kids , just makin ' the usual sorta mistakes . Drunk an ' disorderedly , petty theft . Time was , we 'd haul ' em in if we caught ' em in the act , give ' em a night in the cells , scare ' em a little , then send ' em on their way . But these new detectives , they insist on filin ' charges , givin ' ' em the works . Some goblin went up in front of a judge last week for stealin ' fifteen bucks . Fifteen bucks ! I heard he got four years . " " Sure . ' Cause all they do is go after the ones they know they can catch an ' who won 't fight back . The big stuff , the gangs , the human protection rackets , they don 't even touch those . Corruption ? They ain 't give a damn . But show ' em a gnome paintin ' graffiti on a wall ? They throw the book at the poor guy . " It made sense , all except one part of it . " McKinley ain 't a guy to let things slip on his watch . I know he 's real careful about who he brings onto his force . " " Yeah , except McKinley didn 't get no say in any of these guys . The Mayor 's office , they say we need to increase numbers an ' tighten up on the rules at the same time . So a bunch of cops , good cops , who might not have the cleanest records around , suddenly got to turn in their badges . An ' then these new fellas show up on the doorstep … " " He ain 't ! " Beregond looked around . A few people walking down the street had turned when he raised his voice . " He ain 't , " he added in a lower voice , " an ' he was plannin ' to do somethin ' about it , but then , suddenly , he disappears . " " Right . I told you we were stakin ' out his place , keepin ' an eye on him . Well , my partner just radioed me : the house is empty . No one 's been in or out for days . No lights on . " That made sense . He was the commissioner of the NAPD after all . He didn 't need every criminal in the city knowing where he lived . " So is that where you 're headed ? " " Dang . " I stood there , thinking . Beregond was looking at me . He knew I was a good guy to have around in a tight spot . I knew what he wanted me to say . " All right , " I said , " where 's your car ? " McKinley 's place was a nice , big house up on the Eastside . It was pretty non - descript . Beregond 's car was unmarked , and we pulled up next to another car parked in front of the house . I recognised the guy sitting in the driver 's seat , a Cimmerian . He lifted a finger in greeting . After a few seconds , he got out the car and sauntered over to the sidewalk . We got out and joined him . " Good to see you , Ulrichson , " Beregond 's partner said . I thought his name was O ' Neil , but we 'd never been formally introduced . " Way I see it , " Beregond said , " we got nothin ' left to lose here . If somethin 's happened to the commissioner , whoever did it 's probably got eyes all over this place . So we just enter the house , see what we can find . " " We just look like three idiots , " I shrugged . " Worse stuff 's happened to me today . " I pointed to the house . " Let 's at least go ' round the back , all right ? No need to attract any more attention than we have already . " We were three big guys , a Northman , a Stonelander and a Cimmerian . We all moved like we knew what we were about , and I knew perfectly well that every curtain on that street was twitching . Still , going ' round the back made me feel a bit better about the whole thing . I didn 't want to have to shoulder down a front door in broad daylight . Not that the daylight today was that broad . I thought I could see the shadows creeping up in my peripheral vision again too . I 'd need to take some of the stuff Poppy 'd given me soon . Or better yet , find a doctor . I added it to the list of things I 'd do once I 'd stopped helpin ' out everyone who happened to ask me . There was a little yard outside , well - tended , and it wasn 't overlooked . Smart . McKinley could play with his kids out here in peace . If he even had kids . I didn 't even know if he was married . I supposed probably not . " Beregond was tellin ' me there 's only a few of you original cops left on the force . How many are there ? " We were at the back door now . It looked pretty solid . The cops took a step back , but before they could charge it , I leant forward and tried the handle . The door fell open slowly . " Well that was easy , " I grinned . Beregond and O ' Neill took out their guns . I followed suit and together the three of us walked in . The lights were out and , for the second time in as many days , I walked into a home that had been torn apart . All the furniture was smashed or tipped over , pictures were ripped off the walls , and plaster dust was lying everywhere . " I dunno , " I said , " but I got a pretty bad feelin ' about this . " The pattern of destruction was too familiar . We walked through the house - it was a nice place , or it would 've been if it hadn 't been so comprehensively trashed . I nodded towards the stairs . " Bedroom that way ? " " I think that 's where we 'll find the only clue that matters . " I was right . The master bedroom was the same as the rest of the house - completely destroyed - but one wall had been stripped down to the plaster and there , in black paint , was the huge , threatening shape of a spider . There was no sign of McKinley . " Damned if I know . But I have a feelin ' we 'll find a certain cabaret singer with him . Problem is … I got no idea why … " " It make any sense to you ? " I asked Ironsmith . The cops had dropped me off back at his yard , and now we were in his little office , really four walls with a desk and two chairs on one side of his warehouse , sharing a pot of thick , dark dwarf coffee . " Yeah . I figure it was some debt , an ex - lover , y ' know the usual sorta thing . But why would the same people who 're after her kidnap the police commissioner ? " I took a sip of my coffee . I used to find the dwarf stuff way too strong , but it had begun to grow on me . It was nothing that wouldn 't be improved by a finger or two of whisky though . " That 's about the size of it . " " There 's gotta be a connection there then . McKinley goes missin ' , just as he starts plannin ' to take back his force ? Can 't be no coincidence . " " I agree . But why do it this way ? Why wreck his house , why leave that callin ' card ? " I had a sketch of the spider symbol on my notebook . Neither Beregond or O ' Neil recognised it either . I tapped it with a finger . " This is some kinda message , but what ? An ' from who ? " The business at McKinley 's had taken up most of the afternoon , and now it was getting on towards evening . I was supposed to meet Poppy in less than an hour . Ironsmith took my notebook off the desk and frowned at it . " I know all the orc gang signs , I got a workin ' knowledge of goblin clans , dryad collectives , troll tribes , gnoll packs . No one uses a spider , not as far as I know anyway . I ain 't know much about kobolds , mind . " " I might just do that . " I 'd told him we were meeting for coffee . He hadn 't really expressed much of an opinion , at least by human standards . But he 'd tugged on his beard a little and furrowed his brows , so I knew he was thinking some of his deep , dwarf thoughts . Gnomes and dwarves , they didn 't get on , and it turns out that was all down to kobolds and dragons , but I didn 't think either species was quite ready to face up to all that yet . Right now we were still just getting used to all the new people in this city . " But somehow , " I went on , " I ain 't think this is kobolds . It ain 't fit their pattern . They 're half savage - they spent thousands of years underground . They wouldn 't know to target a police commissioner , or try to undermine his force from within . The dragons are the brains in kobold society , an ' they ain 't got one . " " Right , but I have a funny feelin ' someone 'll have some snippet of information . Plus , if this symbol 's been seen anywhere else in the city , someone 's work crews 'll have seen it . Word gets around . " Ironsmith was looking at me like I was crazy . " I told you , buddy , times are tough . You gotta believe I 'd have paid it if I could , but I ain 't got that kinda scratch right now . I 'm havin ' to lay workers off every day . " I had a lot to think about as I left Ironsmith 's yard . It was getting dark out , and there was a fog on the river . The yard was on the docks , where a lot of the digging works for the new underground trains were going on . I looked out across the water . Here , with a cold wind blowing in across from the mainland , the air wasn 't so bad . You 'd almost think the city was clean . But it wasn 't . There was something rotten at the core , something reaching out and putting its dirty fingers in people 's business . One of those complicated people , I was sure . I just couldn 't see how the pieces fit together from where I was standing . Maybe Poppy would help me see things more clearly . " You go see a doctor yet ? " was the first thing she asked me as I sat down . I was a little late . Traffic had been bad . A dwarf waitress showed up to take our order , and we both sat back . We had a booth to one side of the coffee house . It was a pretty nice joint , but almost everyone there was a non - human . I didn 't see Willow 's mom anywhere . More and more , that 's how places like this seemed to work now . Even just a couple months ago , you might go to a dwarf restaurant or an orc bar , and you 'd see a smattering of humans or other races around . Everyone stuck to their own species , mostly , but it was getting better . Now things seemed to be going backwards , and the non - humans were sticking together . Something was changing in New Atlas , and I didn 't like the feel of it . " I took a trip uptown . Funny enough , what happened might make this conversation kinda redundant . " " An ' he told me about McKinley . " I kept my voice low . I remembered what Lily had told me about ears everywhere , and I didn 't feel like being poisoned a second time . " He told you … " she looked around , the leant in real close . " He told you about McKinley ? About him not showin ' up to work for days ? " " They were , but they 're dirty as heck . Bribes , corruption , all sorts of stuff . Like most of the cops in this city . They woulda got drummed out with the rest , but they were smart enough to cut a deal . " " Garl save me from well - meaning humans , " Poppy sighed . Our coffees arrived and we both fell silent as the waitress filled our mugs and exchanged a couple pleasantries . When she was gone , Poppy gave me the full weight of her stare again . " You know they probably read the report from that crime scene , right ? " " To throw you off the scent , of course ! They don 't want a guy like you snoopin ' around , askin ' questions . Did Beregond not seem a little too eager to spill all his information ? " " Look … " for just a moment , it looked like she was about to reach across the table and take my hand , but she stopped herself and put her hands under the table . " Look , Ragnar , this business with the force . Whatever you heard was probably the truth . Someone 's guttin ' the force , puttin ' their own guys in key positions . I think the new mayor 's involved somehow as well , but I ain 't know how since he only just got sworn in . " " So go home . Go see a doctor tomorrow . Use some savings . Pay the rent for your office late this month . Whatever . Just get better . " " ' Cause whatever 's goin ' on , it 's got nothin ' to do with that singer . " The way she said that last word made me wanna say something , to tell her nothing was going on , but she stopped me as I opened my mouth . " Don 't . I ain 't wanna know . I ain 't care no more . It 's too hard . " " Tell that to the humans who put the signs on their doors , " Poppy said . She walked away without a backward glance , leaving her coffee steaming on the table next to mine . I didn 't feel much like finishing mine neither , so waited a few minutes then threw a couple bills on the table and made my way out . I got as far as the door when someone called me from the counter . It was the owner , a gnarly old dryad , and I turned to him with a frown . " You 're Ragnar Ulrichson , right ? " " No , but someone 's seen it somewhere else . One of the dwarves from the lodge , he says one of the orcs workin ' for him saw a ship moored near a warehouse on 12th Avenue . Says it wasn 't showin ' no lights , actin ' real suspicious . " " Says there were some guys movin ' around , carryin ' stuff off the ship . Humans , he thought , but he says it was dark . Anyway , they all had tattoos . " " Yeah , that 's what I figured . Let me know if you want me to check the place out . There ain 't no record of a ship moored there , so it 's all off the books . We can get the Port Authority involved if we have to . " " Somehow , I ain 't think that 'll make much difference to anythin ' . " I thanked Ironsmith for his help and hung up the phone . Giving the dryad owner a friendly smile , I walked out onto the street . A warehouse on 12th Avenue . That didn 't narrow it down , and I knew Ironsmith had kept his directions vague so 's I wouldn 't do anything stupid . But the way I saw it , time was against me . Maybe Beregond and O ' Neil had played me for a fool , but the bottom line was that McKinley was still missing . And so was Lily . I didn 't buy Poppy 's theory that the two cops had set up the house to look like the same crime scene - I didn 't think they 'd have had time , and there were easier ways to throw me off the scent . There had to be some kinda connection , and the answer was in that warehouse . Just like always , I didn 't have a choice . 12th Avenue was a long street , running alongside the docks . I spent a long while clambering my way through fences and over walls , looking for what I thought might be the right warehouse , my hip playing up the whole time . The fog off the river was thick as heck now , a murky white blanket sweeping in to cover everything . Every now and then a car or a truck would sweep along the road and its headlamps would turn everything around me bright yellow , but mostly I was alone . I was starting to feel kina dizzy again , despite Poppy 's temporary cure , but in the dark , misty night , I couldn 't see the lingering shadows that were plaguing me . Black Lotus . That was something I never thought I 'd have to deal with . Well , tomorrow I 'd take Poppy 's advice . I 'd find a doctor , pay whatever it cost , and I 'd get myself fixed . Then I 'd be ready to use whatever I found out tonight to get to the bottom of all this . Halfway up 12th Avenue , the long , low shape of a warehouse loomed outta the fog and , moored at the dock beside it was a ship , equally huge and dark . It looked like an old rotted hulk at first , but as I got closer I could see it was seaworthy . Not that I knew much about it - I might have spent my whole life on the island of Manahills , but I knew next to nothing about the ocean . Technically this was the North River , actually , here on the west side of the island , but it didn 't seem much different to me , speaking as a man who 'd once taken an involuntary dip in the thing . I crept across the concrete space in front of the warehouse . The gate was falling off its hinges , and there was trash and old wooden pallets everywhere . No one had used this place for a while , at least legitimately . There was a door on one side of the dark building , and it was open . I ducked down and stepped inside . It was pitch dark , and the first thing I did was walk right into a hanging cobweb . I nearly choked on the thing , and had to pull it off my face and fling it to the ground in disgust . I 'd never liked cobwebs . Problem was , they were everywhere . I tried to make something out in the huge , black space in front of me , but it wasn 't until a truck went by outside and light shone through the high windows that I got a good look at the lay of the land . It was just a warehouse , long disused , choked with cobwebs . There was a high gantry all around with a couple ladders at either end . Some rusted cranes and other equipment up in the rafters . I noticed all this in a second - I might not be the smartest private dick in the world , but I can get a good fix on a place pretty quick - but the main thing that held my attention was two chairs in the middle of the room , each of which had a person tied to them . I rushed over right away . My eyes were starting to adjust now , and I didn 't need any light to see who they were : one was McKinley , unconscious with his chin dropped to his chest , and the other was Lily . When I reached her , she opened her ey " Yeah . Hold on , I 'm gonna untie you . " " It ain 't ever too late , toots . " I finally managed to get her ropes untied , and I pulled her free . She collapsed into my arms , and I helped her up to her feet . " Can you stand ? What did they do to you ? " " Wha … " The breath left my lungs as I felt the sharp pain of a knife enter my side . I stared at Lily . I could see the smile on her face . Her white , sharp teeth . I staggered back , feeling the hot , wet blood pour from the wound . " What is this ? " I managed to get out . " This , my dear Ragnar , is a coup . " The lights came on . All along the gantry , people were standing , watching me . They were dark skinned , like Lily , dressed in suits , fedoras , with guns . Gangsters . I couldn 't make sense of what I was seeing . A couple of them slid down the ladders , moving with a kinda catlike grace . Oh yeah , I 'd seen that before . I tried to flee to the door , but more of them were behind me , clawing their way through the cobwebs . They didn 't seem to mind them at all . I saw , in the light , the thousands of tiny spiders moving ' round all over the floor . Lily smiled her blood - red smile at me again as she reached up and pulled off her black wig , revealing short , cropped , silvery - white hair , and pointed ears . " That 's right , " she said as she sauntered over to me . She cupped my chin in her hands as she nodded to one of the other dark elves . He walked over to McKinley and shot him three times in the chest . The force of it knocked his chair over , and I could see the blood pooling beneath him . " We 've had all the fun we can out of Svartheim , " Lily told me , " so now we 've come here . " " See , you 're smart . " She squeezed my cheeks , almost affectionately . " I thought you might make a nice pet , Ragnar , but I realised I couldn 't break a man like you . So I tried to poison you , but you were too damn tough for that . So we had to lead you here , like a loyal bloodhound and , in the end , it proved more fun , don 't you think ? I 'm just sorry you won 't be able to stick around for the show . " She let go and walked away , leaving me to sink helplessly to the ground . " What show ? " I asked . I don 't know how she heard my voice across the room , but she did , and turned smartly on her heel . RT @ ThommyH _ H : Like # SciFi ? Like awesome women having adventures ? Well , here is a book that combines those things : getbook . at / LegacyTHH 2 days ago My debut novel from @ CynefinRoad , a swashbuckling # SciFi adventure , is available to buy right now . Give it a shot ! Getbook . at / LegacyTHH 6 days ago |
Here I pour out my heart . It contains both immense joy and great sorrow . God has walked with us every step of the way never leaving our sides , even for a second . I believe Jesus is the same , yesterday , today and forever ! I will believe , hope and have faith . . . . . even still . My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place , when I was woven together in the depths of the earth . Your eyes saw my unformed body ; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be . Psalm 139 : 15 , 16 Then Jesus said , " Did I not tell you that if you believed , you would see the glory of God ? " John 11 : 40 See , I have written your name on the palms of my hands … Isaiah 49 : 16a There are so many times where I have had no idea how the little bit of money we had went as far as it did . It was a very supernatural thing . I am thankful for people who obey God 's promptings too . Here is a write up of some of the blessings we received . I don 't share these things to brag , but to show you that when you are in need , God is faithful . Always trust , stay positive , believe that He will provide what you need when you need it . A man approached our pastor and said he wanted to give some money at christmas time to a family in the church and asked if our pastor knew anyone . Our pastor told him of some families , us included . The man said he knew immediately that we were who he wanted to bless and he told our pastor to pass on the message that we were to use the money wherever we needed it and he wanted us to have a merry christmas . The people my mom works with surprised her one day with a roomful of groceries for us . They had been collecting food for months . When they came to bring them in , it was literally a minivan full of food and necessities . Our little cupboards were full and overflowing . Friends and family helping us move to our new house ( twice ) . The first time we were scheduled to be in Rochester for Greg 's surgery the day of the move . Our friends and family got together and handled it all for us . Every detail was worked out and my mom even managed to get some unpacking done for me so I wouldn 't have so much to do when we came home . At Greg 's last surgery , they would not let him leave the hospital without the antibiotics he was on . The problem was they were I . V . antibiotics that I had to give Greg through a PIC line in his arm . In order to travel with them , the medication had to be in these pressurized little chambers that would release the medication over a period of 15 to 20 minutes . The antibiotics in the pressurized chambers came to just over $ 300 . We did not have $ 300 to pay for them before leaving the hospital . It was a long process with many phone calls back and forth between Sask Health and the Mayo Clinic . Sask Health would not pay for meds prescribed upon discharge from the hospital . There was a charitable organization affiliated with the hospital there in Rochester that stepped up to the plate and covered the cost of the meds for us . Once we pulled into the gas station to get gas and a man who we knew , but not very well , paid for our gas before we got in to pay for it . I knew that God was with us in every moment . We were briefed on what the surgery was going to involve and what could happen during it . I know the Doctors have to inform you of the risks , but sometimes I have wished that they would just not say it , that somehow it could be said without saying , you know ? That was a rough night , Greg was in a lot of pain . We managed to get some sleep and in the morning the hospital called . The surgery was moved to the following day because something else had come up . It was a let down and a relief in the same breath . We wanted to just get it over with and get this intrusive disease out of his body , but we were relieved for one more day together . I didn 't want to think about the dangers lurking in this . The night of the 16th was even worse that the night before . We were sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my dad 's living room . Greg wasn 't moving very easily at this point . It was a long , awful night with lots of tears shed . We turned out the lights and fear started to settle on us . " What if I don 't make it ? " Greg asked me . " I don 't want to die . I want to be here to see our baby breathe it 's first breath . I want to do so many more things in life . " More tears from both of us . Greg was so uncomfortable and we had already given him pain meds . I tried propping him all different ways and nothing seemed to help . He was having trouble breathing if he laid flat , the pillows would not sit properly to lean him up on the mattress , it was not going well . My dad was so great that night . I felt so loved by him and I know Greg did too . He must have heard us moving around trying to get Greg comfortable and he came out to see if he could help . He used to be a paramedic and worked in the medical field for many years . He asked what Greg had taken for meds and told us what he could take in addition to it . He brought us a vaporizer to make the air easier for Greg to breathe , he brought some rub stuff out for Greg 's sore muscles , he brought out a tape with healing scriptures on it for us to listen to and most importantly he brought his prayers out . Greg ended up sleeping sitting up in one of the recliners propped with pillows and a footrest , I ended up curling up on the love seat and Dad sat in the recliner opposite Greg and prayed . I finally fell asleep that night listening to my daddy pray over us . I was so thankful he was there and felt protected by him that night . In the morning we got up and headed to the hospital . My dad came with us , again I was thankful to not be alone . They took Greg and got him settled and ready in pre - op when we arrived at the hospital . Then they let me in to sit with him til it was time to take him to the O . R . Greg was very nervous and feeling quite queasy so they brought him something to calm him . Dad and I sat by Greg 's bed and prayed with him as we waited . The nurse came and said it was time , they were ready . Dad gave Greg 's hand a squeeze and waited for me just outside the door as I walked beside the stretcher down the hallway . Our eyes were filled with tears , I was trying VERY hard not to show that I was scared . I wanted to hang onto his hand forever and not let go . Trusting people to look after your soul mate in a situation like this can be so difficult . Trusting God , I felt better about that option . The surgery was to be about 3 hours . I watched them wheel him through the doors and out of sight . I smiled through my watery eyes till I could see him no more and then the tears poured . My dad wrapped me in his arms and suggested we go get something to eat . It was going to be a long day . I really didn 't feel like eating , but I knew it was necessary . I needed to be strong . My dad sat with me for the morning . Cathy , my other mom , came up for a bit as well . My mom arrived part way through the morning . I was so thankful to have my parents there with me . They were the best support I could have had through this . It was now noon and Greg had been in surgery for about 3 and a half hours . We kept checking in with the nurses but they had heard nothing yet . We went for walks , read magazines , talked and dad cracked jokes to distract me . At about 2 : 30 we still had heard nothing so dad went to talk to the nurses again . When he came back he had good news , Greg had been in recovery for about an hour and a half already . Shortly after the surgeon came to talk to us . He told us Greg had made it through surgery and done well . He said it had been a complicated surgery . Greg 's doctor from home had asked to sit in on the surgery . The doctor performed a right thoracotomy and they were able to remove the whole tumor , however they could not completely remove the nerve the tumor had grown from . The tumor grew from the 6th intercostal nerve . It was abnormal , about the size of a man 's finger . The neurosurgeon had left about an inch of the nerve attached to Greg 's spinal cord . He did not feel comfortable getting any nearer to his spinal cord to remove the rest of it because he felt that in order to get close enough , Greg would very likely have been paralyzed in the surgery . He did not want to risk that . Just to be safe , they also had removed 4 and 3 / 4 " sections of his 5th , 6th and 7th ribs that the tumor had worn away at . Greg 's right lung had been completely collapsed by the tumor and the surgeons were able to peel the lung away from the tumor successfully . The lung re - inflated beautifully after the took the tumor off of it . The tumor appeared to be encapsulated except for an area at the bottom of it . They could not tell if the tumor had spread to any more of the tissues in his chest , that remained to be seen . The tumor measured 7 . 5 " x 5 " x 5 . 5 " and weighed 3 . 62lbs . I thanked the doctor and was told that I could see Greg in about another hour if they were able to move him from recovery to SICU . I think it was about 4pm before we actually got in to see him , but oh what a relief it was . I had been told to expect a lot of tubes and machines and lines on him . We were allowed to go in two at a time to see Greg . Mom came with me . As we walked down the hallway , I tried to make my heart ready for what I was about to see . We walked into the room and they were right , lines and tubes and monitors and beeps everywhere . He had gone from my healthy , strong , teasing husband to this wounded body laying incredibly still on the bed . I took a deep breath and went closer , I leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek trying not to disturb any tubes . He opened his eyes and I don 't think I have ever been so glad to see those beautiful blue eyes in my life ! He whispereThe next days of being back and forth from the hospital are a bit of a blur . There were ups and downs with Greg . It was very difficult to watch him in such pain and not be able to do anything . About the third day they decided to try a morphine PCA pump . ( Patient Controlled Analgesia for those non medical people like me ) Greg had three IV sites already and two of them had malfunctioned and were removed . When they decided to try the PCA pump , they tried to start another . The first nurse tried three times and then called in another nurse . The second nurse tried another two times and still no success . Each time they would get the line in , turn on the pump and it would wreck the vein . Greg 's arms were turning into black and blue canvases , not to mention the pain of " fishing " around to get the line in a vein . They decided that they would switch him from morphine to Tylenol 3 's . I can tell you right now that when a person is in enough pain to warrant a morphine pump , T 3 's do almost nothing . He was in so much pain and I could not help , it felt like I was failing him . That night I drove home from the hospital and I felt so stressed out . ( Yes it was a bit of a selfish moment for me , not proud of it ) Because of my pregnancy being considered high risk , I had been off work for the whole pregnancy and could not go back until after the delivery . I did not want to have to go back to work with a newborn at home . I wanted to nurse my baby for many reasons most of them to do with health . I also wanted to save some cost by not having to buy formula , but in order to nurse the baby , I had to be home . I did not know where life went from here , the future looked very uncertain . Financially I had no idea where money was going to come from , I just had to trust and have faith that God would provide for us . There were baby things that we still needed to buy and no money to buy them . I had some diapers but certainly not enough to last very long . I didn 't know how we were going to pay bills , buy food or necessities and all of that was on my shoulders at that moment . Yes , the tumor was out of my husband , but they did not know if it had spread or would return , it was all very overwhelming . I drove home to my dad 's in the snow that night , emotionally exhausted from the day and cried . I let the tears flow that I had been holding back all day trying to be brave , and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father . I pounded the steering wheel and told Him how frustrated I was , how scared I was , how I didn 't want to have to raise this baby alone . I wanted our baby to know it 's daddy . I am sure I must have looked like a basket case behind the wheel ! The nurses at the hospital as well as some family members were concerned for our baby . They thought with all the stress that I may go into labor early . I prayed again that night , that God would protect and shelter the baby . I told Him this was His miracle baby already and I told Him that He was going to have to keep her safe from the stress . I prayed for peace , I prayed for comfort and strength to be what my husband and this baby needed me to be . I know He was with me in the car that night , I felt Him . I felt His arms come around me and I determined from that moment on to rest in Him . I had peace that He was going to work it all out for good and that we weren 't going to have to wonder where provision was coming from . My God would take care of me and us . He would never leave me nor forsake me . Greg got out of the hospital a couple of days later . At that time I was driving a 1982 Ford Fairmont . It was a good old car , but the highway has many bumps and I felt terrible for every one we went over on our way back home . We set up a bed in our living room so that Greg could lay down comfortably through the day , but he spent the first few days downstairs where our bedroom and the bathroom were so he would not have to do stairs for the washroom . Now that Greg was home healing from surgery , we were on to the next thing , preparing for our baby to come . I was due in just over 3 weeks . When the day came for us to go to the hospital to deliver Jinaea , Greg was still healing . He was not allowed to lift anything heavier than 4 liter jug of milk which is about 9 pounds . Jinaea was 8lbs 1 . 5oz . Just under the wire ! He could not walk and carry her for long but he did spend plenty of time holding her . I would prop his arm with pillows so that he could hold her properly . . . . . My heart cried out as I watched them , " Thank you God for my two miracles . " I was going through a box of papers today and found lyrics that I wrote a few years ago . I wrote them when our friend 's daughter passed away . Their daughter was only two and a half . She was sweet , adorable , " tute , " ( cute ) and such a brave little girl . She knew all about how Jesus loved her and would proudly tell you that too . She was daddy 's little sweetheart , mommy 's little dolly , and her brothers playmate . She loved the color pink and even wanted pink hockey equipment ! Kelly and I were both expecting our third child at that time , due about a week apart in October . Greg and I had gone to church that morning and another friend of ours came over to me . She put her arm around me and told me that Kylee had died suddenly the night before . She didn 't know many details . I cried through the whole service . I knew immediately that we needed to go to them . We made the hour and a half trip that afternoon . I remember standing on the front porch as we waited for the door to be opened . Kylee 's grandpa opened the door and wrapped us in a hug right away . He said , " You came all this way ? You didn 't have to . " We said , " Of course , how could we not . " We needed to be there for Darren and Kelly . They would have done the same for us . Everyone was in such a state of shock still . The air was full of disbelief and shocking reality that seemed too horrible to be true . When we walked in Kelly and Darren came to us right away and we hugged , our hearts broken for them and we cried . " I can 't believe she 's gone , " was repeated over and over . The next hours were filled with people coming and going , food brought over , condolences , phone calls and many , many tears . Darren and Kelly told us the story of the night before . We felt completely helpless to take away the ache that was growing larger in their hearts by the minute . We prayed with them and finally we drove home . I called Kelly every day for the next month or so . I didn 't want her to feel alone or abandoned in her pain . I wished I lived closer so I could hug her every day too ! I prayed with her and most of the time , felt completely inadequate to help beyond that . There were no words that would really help . They had our love and our prayers though . I just so badly wanted to take some of her hurt away . Sometimes all we would do was cry together on the phone . God put the words to this song on my heart in a dream just shortly after Kylee died . I did not have the nerve to even tell Kelly about the song until months later . This coming May it will be four years since Kylee went to dance and run with Jesus . I did not think that three and a half years later , Kelly would be doing the same for me . She is very dear to my heart . I knew that she really understood the emptiness , the ache and yes , even the happiness , when we talked about our girls in heaven . Now Kylee and Zoe play together happily in the presence of their Heavenly Father who loves them . He now gives them all the hugs and love that we wish we could and more . Today , this song has shot straight to my heart . . . ( Disclaimer . . . Lol . I am not a professional song writer and so this song may not meet the standards of " properly written " lyrics , but it is what was on my heart . ) Verse 1 This seemed to be one waiting game after another and when you are dealing with life and death , that wait can be excruciating and it is very hard to be patient . We had gotten copies early on , of the x - rays to show to my mom and others in our family who are in the medical field . My mom said she looked at them and her heart sank . We looked to her to give us some kind of hope that this wasn 't really as bad as it sounded . Maybe she could see something there that would give us some reason to think this was going to turn out okay . She tried to maintain her composure , she didn 't want us to read in her face how bad she could see it was . She now says , thinking back to looking at them , without God , it was very definitely a death sentence . Finally the day came when the Dr came in to Greg 's hospital room to tell us the findings of the biopsy . I started praying in my head , " Jesus , we need you now more than ever . God , I am scared . . . . We cannot do this alone , I am so glad you are here with us . Please be near us as we hear this and give us courage to face whatever it is " " We took three samples of tissue from the tumor . The samples show that the tumor is definitely malignant . This is very serious . It seems to be growing steadily . We do not feel that radiation or chemo is a good option right at this point . The tumor is growing off a nerve coming out of your spinal cord . The tumor has grown quite large and is not inside your lung as we originally thought . The tumor has grown behind your lung , inside your ribcage . It is about the size of a football . Part of the tissue is dead already ( Thank you God ! My thought , not necessarily his ) but there is still a lot of cancerous tissue . We need to do an MRI after Christmas to get a clearer picture of what we are dealing with . " I crawled into the bed with Greg after the Dr left and we cried together . They were tears of sadness for the life we might not get to live together , tears of joy for the years we had shared so far and we sunk into that moment of just being alive . . . . . . and together . It was a moment of realization that we could not take life , or the moments we had to hold each other for granted anymore . It could be very short . Greg , at that point , was on continuous oxygen . Just walking across the room left him quite short of breath . The respiratory therapist came to do a test to see if Greg needed oxygen at home as well . He was borderline . They gave him some breathing exercises to help build his lung strength . I was beginning to realize how very different life was going to be from now on . I thought we would maybe be spending Christmas there in the hospital , but where we spent it didn 't matter to me at that point . I was glad Greg was still there with me and our baby . I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible . We even managed to do some family pictures . Greg was able to leave the hospital and not be on continuous oxygen , however he could not move very fast and the bitter cold air would almost take his breath away . He had to breath into a scarf crumpled over his mouth if we were outside at any point . It was a good , but heavy Christmas . Uncertain of what the path ahead was , we tried to make the most of every moment . Greg had lost about 25 pounds already that month . He was very pale . Through the fearful moments , we prayed and continued to believe that he would make it through this and he would be healed . January 2002 is a blur to me . I don 't have many clear memories of it at all . My days were filled with helping Greg perform even the most basic daily tasks . We spent much time going to Dr . appointments in Regina , meeting with the surgeons , Dr . 's appointments at home , blood work , and an MRI and CT Scan in Regina . I remember tucking Greg in at night and listening to a tape that my dad gave us of healing scriptures and confessions . One night Greg said , " Honey , I know this is going to be hard , but we need to talk about some things . " Just the very thought of what our future might look like ended with both of us sobbing , let alone talking about it . Greg told me what he wanted for me and our baby if he did not make it . He asked me what I thought would happen with us . It seemed wrong on so many levels . He told me that as hard as it was to say , he wanted me to remarry . He wanted me to make sure that our baby knew about him and how much he loved him / her already . He so desperately wanted to meet and hold our baby . The possibility that I may raise this baby alone was not something that I had EVER thought I would have to talk with my husband about at 8 months pregnant . We had only been married for 3 and a half years . My heart couldn 't even process being with anyone but him . It was absurd . It felt like I was betraying my heart even thinking about moving on without my soul mate . I knew I could never find anyone to love me like he did . How could I do this without him ? The days and nights were very surreal to us . We filled them with as much prayer as we could because that was the only thing in our control . I was pregnant with our daughter Jinaea in the summer of 2001 . My husband had just finished upgrading his Math and Accounting and then moved on to complete training in May to be a Farrier . We set off on the new adventure of being self - employed . With just coming out of school , we had no finances to start a new business . We got a grant to get it up and running and got to work . We designed business cards , posters , placed ads , made phone calls and asked our contacts for referrals . Then we pounded the pavement to hang posters and hand out business cards . Greg was doing a very good job and learned more with each horse he trimmed or put shoes on . The summer passed us by with many hours spent in the heat while Greg did his job . By fall we had moved to a new city to pursue bigger business options and for the second time , we had to start with new clients . Greg was experiencing pain in his shoulder every once in awhile , but we just chalked it up to a previous rotator cuff injury . Usually a mild muscle relaxant or massage would do the trick , but once in awhile it did not . Sometimes we would have to take a trip to the emergency room for him to have an injection of something stronger . Greg was getting tired out a lot easier and would sweat buckets when he would trim , going through two sets of clothes per horse by the end . Greg would joke about being out of shape and said he better start lifting weights again . He began to wake up some nights in a cold sweat , completely drenched and was starting to feel out of breath all the time if he exerted himself at all . On December 11 , Greg went to play floor hockey with a good friend of ours . When they came home , he was in a lot of pain . So much in fact , that when we left their house , we went straight to the ER . They told him that they felt it was muscle spasms . They gave him an injection and we went home . Greg tried to sleep it off like before . He didn 't sleep much that night and in the morning I told him I did not think this was just muscle spasms . By evening things still had not settled down much so I told him I thought we should go to the Dr 's office and tell them we were not leaving until this got figured out . I had no idea this would be a night that would be etched into our memories for the rest of our lives . We went to the Medical Clinic and since we did not have a regular Dr yet , we saw the walk in Dr . He happened to be a military Dr . who took shifts at the in - town clinic as well . He was a very nice man and seemed genuinely concerned with Greg 's situation . I was to babysit for our friends Todd & Christine that night at 7 . I waited with Greg as long as I could at the Dr 's and then left to go babysit . When I left , we were in the office waiting for the results of an x - ray that had been done . I kissed Greg goodbye and he told me he would meet me at Todd & Christine 's house when he was done . I left , preparing myself to hear the results when he arrived at the house . I thought the best thing we could hear was that it was just something that required rest to heal from and the worst thing was maybe that he was going to have to have surgery to repair something in his shoulder . I wasn 't even close . . . . It seemed to be taking a very long time for Greg to get to the house and I admit I was starting to feel a little worried about things , wondering what on earth could keep him so long . The kids were in bed and finally around 9pm he arrived at the door . I opened it and let him in . He closed the door behind him and then turned and wrapped me in his arms and held me tight . He put his hand on my tummy which was 7 months pregnant . His eyes filled up with tears . I said , " So , how did it go ? Did they figure anything out ? " He said , " I am honey . " I backed up and sat down on the couch and he came to join me . " Why do they think that ? They have got to be wrong , " I said . Then he proceeded to fill me in . The first x - ray that they took when I was there was of his right shoulder . When the Dr . looked at the x - ray , there was something odd showing on the bottom edge . They sent him for another set of x - rays , this time on his chest as well . They found a football size tumor inside his ribcage on the right side . It had completely collapsed his right lung and was expanding his ribcage and pushing his collar bone up . I asked him if they thought he was going to live . They had not given him any ideas as far as that was concerned , they had no idea until more tests done . We had no plan of action yet , but we were to go in to Regina to see a specialist in a couple of days to start figuring that out . We sat there on the couch and cried just holding each other , our unborn child moving in my tummy between us . Neither one of us knew what to say . We were still in disbelief and shock . This was something that other people deal with , not something we ever expected to face . A short time later our friends got home and asked how the appointment had gone . Greg told them , " They say I have cancer and at this point they are not sure how bad it is . " Todd said , " And what do you think ? " In that moment Greg uttered some life changing words that I believe made the difference to whether he was going to live or die . " I know my God is bigger than this and I know that He can heal me . " Todd said , " We will agree with you for that then ! " He called us the next morning to ask us to come back to their house that night . He had arranged for a group of people to get together the next night to pray over Greg and anoint him with oil . True friends they are . We called other friends and family and asked them to pray . We went home and tried to process all we had been told . That night and in the months to come , there were many , many tears and emotions to work through . I had to face the possibility that my baby might never know it 's daddy . Could I do this on my own ? I was scared . . . . . I didn 't want to lose him . I didn 't want to do this life alone without him . By December 14th Greg was admitted to hospital in the closest major center . Greg was still in a great deal of pain without medication , so he was on strong IV pain meds and oxygen continuously . They decided to do a biopsy on the tumor . I am a full time , stay at home mom of 10 kids and also became known as Nana recently . One of our children is grown and moved away from home , 3 are still at home and six are in heaven . I am happily married to my best friend whom I met while I was in my last year of high school . I homeschool , I do hobby photography , I have way to many interests to list them all and we are still waiting to have another baby . I would also love to one day go on missions trips . View my complete profile |
Well , Ace had his first birthday on Tuesday and it was pretty good . I went to PetSmart and found several brands of chicken flavored pate cat food ( that 's all Henry and Ace will eat - they 're so spoiled ) and got three for each . I got some treats . And I got some fun toys , including a catnip ball . I wanted to get birthday party hats to put on their heads , but not only didn 't the store have any , but they didn 't even have ANY hats for any pets ! ! ! Last year we went there for Halloween and there were lots of pet hats . I thought they just carried them . I was wrong and very disappointed . Ace , Henry and I hung out until Gretchen got home . Then it was time to feed them . We chose some new food for each and Gretchen put a birthday candle into Ace 's pate and lit it . I held him close to it as we sang Happy Birthday , which Gretchen video 'd . I think the fire actually scared Ace , so then we felt bad , but after we gave them their food , we discovered that I 'd gotten good brands because they really dug in and went for it . They can be very picky , so that was good . After dinner , we broke open the treats and I kind of held my breath . I 've never had good luck with cat treats . None of my cats have ever cared for them , especially Henry . I can 't remember the name of this brand , but both cats seemed to really like it and they munched out . It made me quite happy . Then we opened some toys . The catnip ball was a big hit with both , although Ace , the alpha cat , ended up with it for the majority of the evening . He really liked playing with it . And when it ended up underneath our living room sofa , we tried to clean out everything underneath it and discovered a ton of toys under there , so he pretty much OD 'd on cat toys . Henry liked it too , but he 's not as into it as Ace . All in all , a pretty successful first birthday . Henry 's tenth birthday will be coming up at Halloween . Boy , that 's hard to believe ! I still remember getting him when he was a teeny little kitten . He was so tiny . He 's sure not anymore . Heh . Here are some more recent pictures of Ace . Today is our kitten , Ace 's , first birthday . It 's really hard to believe . He 's grown so much . Yet he still behaves like a kitten and still kind of looks like a kitten , especially compared to our older , bigger cat Henry . Henry has always been " my " cat . He 's always been loyal to me . He likes / loves Gretchen , but after Toby died in February 2014 , she really wanted her own pet . At first , she wanted a dog , which I wasn 't in favor of , because at heart she 's a dog person . So last summer and fall , we looked for a dog . We ultimately thought we had found one and she talked me into agreeing to adopt it . A week later , we went to the shelter to get it , only to find it had already been adopted . Gretchen was very disappointed . Finally , last November , on the day after Thanksgiving , the local shelter was having a day where they were giving away free adoptions . Gretchen wanted to go look . Apparently , so did the whole county . Parking was at a premium and the place was packed . We decided to look at cats first . We thought it 'd be easier to get another cat , a companion for Henry , and they 're easier to care for . And then Gretchen saw . Ace was a scrawny little kitten in a room with a lot of brothers and sisters . He was a little tabby , just like Toby had been . And she claims she knew . She found an employee and asked to see him , so we were given a private room and were given " Twinkles " to play with . Twinkles is oh so not a little boy cat 's name . He was cute and very affectionate . He was fixed . He had had his shots . I wasn 't completely sold , but Gretchen was , so we filled out the paperwork and stood in line for what seemed like hours before we got him and took him home . Gretchen wanted a new name . We talked about several possibilities , but she came up with " Ace , " which I thought was the most stupid name I had heard . But that 's what she wanted , so that 's what she got . And I couldn 't remember the cat 's name . I 've been calling him Toby ever since , because he reminds me of Toby when he was a kitten . We let him out in Henry 's presence and while Henry wasn 't thrilled to have another cat around , they each survived the encounter and soon Gretchen was cuddling with Ace . We took him to our vet , got him some kitten food , which Henry tried to eat , and took lots of pictures . Gretchen wanted to bond with Ace , wanted to make him " her " cat , so she forbade me from bonding with him , much to my amusement . As some of you know , I 'm on disability , so I 'm home during the day while Gretchen works . Ace we now know is a co - dependent cat and while he was getting a lot of affection from Gretchen while she was home , he 'd jump up on my lap during the afternoons and I 'd have to kick him off . Very sad . He liked to jump up on our chests and lie right under our chins . It was both very odd and very cute . Ace was three pounds when we got him . And much to our surprise , we found out he was four months old ! His birthday was apparently August 24 , 2014 . So today is his first birthday . Ace turned into a frisky cat . Very energetic . At first , we worried that Henry , who was fairly alpha with Toby , would beat him up . Boy , we were wrong about that . Within days , our three pound kitten was attacking our 15 pound eight year old Henry , terrorizing him and chasing him around the house , causing him to hiss constantly . Henry didn 't know what to do . Ace was always jumping him no matter where he went . He stalked him . He jumped on his back . He attacked his feet . He bit him , clawed him , went after him . I had had kittens before , most recently Toby , so I knew what to expect , but Gretchen had never had a kitten , so this was all a new experience for her . I knew Ace would start tearing our furniture up pretty soon . I didn 't count on the drapes too . And he did . Toby ripped the hell out of a nice leather chair I had . He destroyed most of my furniture when he was a kitten . Before I got him de - clawed . I 've gotten every cat I 've ever had de - clawed . I know it 's a little controversial now , but all of my cats are indoor cats and I value my furniture and stuff too much , as well as my skin , to allow my cats to retain their front claws . Besides , from all I know about it , when they have it done before six months , it 's not too painful , they recover very quickly , and they don 't really remember it as they age . And they don 't really miss their claws . I couldn 't wait to get Ace de - clawed . But Gretchen was kind of nervous about the topic . She had never had to go through this before . It wasn 't until we got some new furniture that was pretty expensive that he started to sink his claws into , as well as all of the older furniture he was ripping up , that she agreed it needed to be done . So I made an appointment . And then we canceled it . Felt too guilty . Yet two weeks later , we made another . He was just so bad . He was six months old , and the window of opportunity was slipping away . So I took him to the vet . Gretchen was terrified . He was away from us for about four days and Gretchen was in agony the whole time . But I knew he 'd be okay . Been there , done that . When he got home , it took about a day before he was back to normal . We had bought him a three story cat condo so he could sit and look out the window and within a day , he was jumping up and down from it . So , good decision and one we 've never regretted . And Henry 's grateful too . Christmas was an interesting experience . Everything was new for Ace and it was so cute to see him exploring the tree and the ornaments and the presents . Of course , he tried to demolish everything , so we had to get a big baby gate and put it around the tree , which made it look stupid , but it worked , so everything worked out well . Ace had to go back to the vet several times for shots . He grew to not like going to the vet . Heh . By this time , he and Gretchen had really bonded and on weekends , he stuck to her like glue . He likes to lie on her all weekend long , on her chest , and she can 't get anything done . She both likes it and it irritates her . I like to remind her this is exactly what she wanted . LOL ! And by now , it 's okay for him to get up on me , but he doesn 't usually do it . Normally , in the late afternoons , he 'll come hang out with me for awhile , which is nice , but when Gretchen gets home , he jumps up and goes to the door to wait to see her come in . It 's cute . Ace used to eat everything . He ate , not only meat , but vegetables too . He loved beans , broccoli , mashed cauliflower , which he still loves , and other things like cheese . He 's gotten more picky recently , which we can 't figure out , but he still likes to sit with us at the table for dinner . Dad never liked that when our pets did this and he 'd be rolling over in his grave if he could see this , cause Henry gets up on a chair with us too , but it 's okay . They 're part of the family . Ace is doing better with Henry lately . He doesn 't attack him as much . Of course , we 've tried to minimize that . And Henry isn 't hissing as much . In fact , they often sleep on the same bed during the day , which is cute . Ace has really become part of the family . Our only concern is that he 's such a social cat , such a people person , so co - dependent , that we worry that we can 't really go anywhere for any stretch of time . We don 't feel comfortable boarding him . We had a cat sitter come over for a half hour a day when we were on vacation when it was just Henry by himself , but I really don 't think that would work with Ace . Gretchen really misses her family in Maryland and is hoping to get back up there for Thanksgiving and we 've been talking about options . Obviously , I 'd like to join her for travel and to see her family too , but we don 't think Ace could handle it , so I 'm probably going to stay home with the cats and take care of them while Gretchen goes by herself . Can you believe it ? Isn 't that crazy ? Still , it seems like the best and only viable option and unless and until we can break Ace of this co - dependence , I don 't see anyway around it . I 'm going to post some pictures in honor of Ace 's birthday , but they 're old . I have more recent ones , but I can 't post them because I have a new phone and I 've emailed them to myself at every email address I have and none of them have shown up , for two days . I don 't know what 's wrong with my phone - it appears to be emailing them with no problem - but something 's obviously off . So , here are some older pictures . Ace is now almost 10 pounds . He 's really grown . He 's still cute though . Happy Birthday , Ace ! Mom had her taxes done . She owed over $ 10 , 000 in taxes ! Never owed anything like that in her life . She lives on Social Security , for God 's sake ! She wasn 't real happy about that . Then , last week , she backed her car through her garage door and had to have a new garage door put in . To make matters worse , last week she also fell on her driveway and broke her wrist and cut up her arm pretty bad , necessitating stitches . She also thought she had gotten a concussion , but it doesn 't look like it . She 's having a hard time with this , just in terms of getting dressed , etc . Then yesterday , she was sitting in her living room when her neighbor was having a tree cut down and those assholes cut the tree so that it fell right on to her roof ! It cut a hole in her roof , knocked down her gutter , and demolished her patio furniture . Sounds like a curse to me … . Then there 's us . I keep having severe insomnia problems . Yesterday morning , I was up at 1 : 30 . This morning , it was 2 : 30 . It gets very tiring . I also still have my head pain . The medication I take for it is only doing a so so job . I 'm a little disappointed , especially since we doubled the dose in the hopes of improving its effectiveness . Of course , we got hit with our own tax burden a few months ago . That was an unpleasant surprise . Then there was the Obamacare disaster , when they claimed we hadn 't provided them with requested info - which they had never requested - so they were eliminating various tax subsidies and raising our premiums . They also switched policies on us without telling us , putting us from a no deductible policy to a high deductible policy . Gee , thanks . By this point , however , I was already on Medicare , so I dropped out . But Medicare has its own costs , especially the Part D prescription costs . Last month , I spent over $ 2 , 000 on prescriptions ! And I don 't have it to spend on that . Then there was the major expense of having a huge dead tree in the back yard cut down , as it was leaning over the house and we were worried it would collapse and demolish the house at any time . That was $ 2 , 700 . And finally there was this disaster of this past weekend with our worry about the government sticking it to us about the assistance we had received formerly and our now having to pay them back over the next five years . It all really , really sucks . So do we and Mom need exorcisms ? Mom 's a Bible thumper and gets her houses blessed when she moves into them , so I wouldn 't think so with her . I guess these are just unpleasant parts of life . Curses ? Probably not , although it sometimes seems that way . I would , however , like to know when life is going to ease up on us . It 's been hard going lately . In early January , we started researching this and settled on a place that seemed fairly reliable and had a good selection . We wanted a new kitchen floor for the first thing ( well , my wife did ) and we ( I ) wanted hardwood floors to replace our carpet throughout much of the rest of the house . The question was just how much . That question was answered two ways . One , we found out we would be put out for several days - we and our cats - with the contractors having to move all of the furniture , including the beds , etc . , and that didn 't jibe with us . So we eliminated the three upstairs bedrooms . That left the dining room , living room , foyer , and hallway . So the question remained , what about the downstairs ? We have a smallish den , a laundry room , which we didn 't want touched , and our office , as well as the stairs . Well , the more I thought about it , the more I realized what a massive hassle it would be to pack up the permanently messy office . It would even be a minor hassle to pack up the den . But we were still open . Until we got the prices . We decided on a pretty LVT kitchen floor that was pretty reasonable . They said they could get it done in one day . And we took some wood samples home to look at , including cherry , but they were too dark for me , so I begged Gretchen to consider something lighter . We had really light wood in our old house and I thought that might be too light for this house , but our living room is pretty dark here and I thought the cherry might make for a pretty depressing room , so I asked for something in between . And we found a nice one , oak I think , with a nice texture at a somewhat reasonable cost . We asked for estimates on the upstairs and the downstairs too , including the stairs . Well , we found out we could afford the upstairs , but the downstairs was a little too rich for our blood and they wanted to charge $ 2 , 000 to do the stairs alone ! ! ! That 's crazy ! So we decided on the upstairs . They said we 'd have to paint our own trim , but I said no way , they 'd have to do it or no deal , so they On the day the contractors were to show up to do the kitchen , they didn 't show up . At all . After awhile , I called the folksy saleswoman who had pre - charged us thousands of dollars and told us we had paid for " everything " then and she looked into it and said there had been a misunderstanding and they wouldn 't be coming that day , they 'd be coming the next . I wasn 't happy . I told her . The next day they showed up and after several hours of work , it became apparent that they didn 't have enough materials with them to finish the job . And the warehouse they came from didn 't have more . They 'd have to order more from the actual plant . I called the saleswoman and let her have it . She said she 'd call the plant and would have the materials overnighted to her and they 'd be there mid - morning the next day . So these guys showed up the next day and finished up and even though we were ticked , we were pleased with the finished product and thought the floor looked good . Still , we were apprehensive about the hardwood floor installation . That was last month . On Tuesday , these same contractors showed up to install the hardwood . It was really difficult for me because that meant I 'd be trapped downstairs with two ticked off cats for a couple of days with a lot of noise overhead . I have severe insomnia and depend on naps to survive and I wouldn 't be getting any , so that was frustrating too . Well , they moved furniture around and took up carpet and started laying wood in the living room and then called the project manager in to talk to me . Turns out they said the floor had dips in it . Major dips . They said many houses had dips , but they were usually a quarter inch - ours were an inch . They said they often put a cardboard box in the dip and that works . They said they 'd tried three with ours and that didn 't work , so they didn 't feel comfortable laying our floor and said we 'd have to do something different . We 'd have to get a leveler and get it laid overnight . Then the contractors would have to glue the wood to the floor . This , of course , would cost a whole lot more . I wasn 't happy and when I contacted my wife , she was livid . She felt like it was a bait and switch and I felt similarly . So we had to wait until the saleswoman called me with the figures and I laid into her and she said we didn 't have to do this at all , but it was obvious we did , so I ok 'd it at an additional cost , part of which I had to prepay . Then the contractors went to get the leveler , came back , started spreading it around the floor , and left it to dry overnight , which meant we had to leave the cats downstairs all night and which also meant this two day operation was now going to be a three day operation . On Wednesday , they returned anxious to lay wood . And boy , they did . The cats and I were downstairs and could hear them going to town . At the end of the day , they had done the living room and dining room . We still couldn 't let the cats up though , because all of the furniture was scattered everywhere and we knew we 'd never be able to catch them to put them downstairs the next day when the contractors returned . So they stayed downstairs another night . Remember when I said the saleswoman said we had paid for everything ? Not true . When I was talking with her on the phone , she said I 'd have to pay the project manager for installation . I asked her what she was talking about . She asked if I 'd gotten his quote . I said I thought I had , yes . But I reminded her I had paid for everything up front and she had told us so . " Oh no sir , you did not , " she told me . She said I 'd just paid for materials and I still owed many thousands of dollars in installation charges . This was devastating news . Devastating . We have a limited budget . Damn , I mean come on ! When you told us we paid for everything , we thought you meant everything , not just part of everything . My wife was livid and I wasn 't far behind her . I said so this is going to be a " X " amount deal , is that right ? She added things up and said , no , it 'd be less than that , but it 'd still be thousands more than I 'd allocated for it . Shit ! Well , the contractors showed up yesterday to finish up . They had the painting to do , the foyer and hallway , the quarter rounds ( whatever those are ) , and then cleaning up and moving the furniture back . They finished up late in the afternoon and the project manager came back to give me his bill . He was nice enough , I guess , not to charge me for the painting , which was a decent savings . I still had to pay thousands though . Still , after they left , I just walked around and admired . It looked like they did a really good job . It looked really nice . The living room actually looked bigger . I took my shoes off and wandered around barefoot . I opened up the door to the downstairs and let the cats up . They were elated to be upstairs again , but tread cautiously . They weren 't sure what to think , especially Ace , who 'd never seen a wood floor before . When Gretchen got home , she seemed to like it too . So we 're done with that chapter . Now we 're thinking of getting a large carpet for the living room . Why ? I 'm not sure . It just seems to be the thing to do . Anyway , I 'm going to post some pictures for you to see . Cheers ! In February , we put our old house on the market and moved to our new house . We 're pretty grateful for the trade . Our old house was in what looked like a nice neighborhood , but it was actually nearly a ghetto . It was very loud and had a lot of crime . Now , we 're up on top of a mountain in a quiet neighborhood with no crime . We feel good about that . February also saw the death of our beloved cat Toby . He was only six and it didn 't seem fair . He essentially died of kidney failure , although we sadly had to put him to sleep ( which seems to me to be a pansy way of saying we killed him ) . We had him cremated and keep his ashes with my late cat Rocky 's ashes . We still miss Toby a lot . In April , I got a new car . I traded in my lemon BMW 530i for a 2011 Toyota Camry and couldn 't be happier . I found it on Autotrader at a dealer in Atlanta and went down there , beat someone else coming to buy it - barely - test drove it , and left with it to come home . It 's been a great car . Additionally , Gretchen 's birthday is in April , so we went up to Baltimore to celebrate it with her friends and family . We had a very good time . It was great to see everyone and we got to go to an Orioles game , a museum , some good restaurants and even saw some friends in Virginia on the way . In May , I got a SCCY CPX - 1 9 mm through an online auction site for a very good price and a Beretta PX4 Storm at a gun show . Neither gun has turned out to be my favorite - a Ruger SR9c is - but I was happy to have them . Meanwhile , Gretchen turned out to be a pro with our Marlin . 22 rifle . I believe it was May , too , when Mom moved from here back up to Knoxville , her old home . It was sad to see her go , but it was good for her to be back with her many friends and at her old church , which she had missed . She got a nice one level condo and is living on her own . We do worry about her though . In June , we thought we had a buyer for our old house , finally . We had had to lower the price three times and it was going for practically nothing . We were about to take an $ 18 , 000 loss on it . However , the financing for this buyer fell through , so we were back at square one . In June , I also had a disability hearing . It was my second time in court for it and I was denied for the fourth time . However , my lawyer appealed . And the judge left open the chance that he might rule in my favor if my orthopedist provided appropriate information . July was the one year anniversary of my father 's death . That was very sad . We went to visit his gravestone in the cemetery where he 's buried in Knoxville . In July , I also had the first of three neurological procedures for my head pain . It didn 't really work , so that was disappointing . We also had a new buyer for our old home in July . They were doing FHA financing though , so it would take awhile . They agreed to buy the house at very nearly the price we were asking . The closing was set for October . I think August was pretty uneventful . I had been doing a lot of traveling back and forth between Chattanooga and Knoxville to help Mom out with things . That got old . We also started looking for a new church , even though I was on the vestry of our old church . It was simply too small and too old . We were the youngest people there and people were dying off and no one new was joining . It was a dying church . So we started going to other Episcopal churches , as well as Methodist and Presbyterian . October came around and the financing for our house 's buyer fell through the day before the closing . We were livid and so were they . However , our realtor worked the phones and found a new lender within two days , so they were approved and a new closing was set for about two weeks away . I also had my third court hearing for my disability . My lawyers prepared me for disappointment . They said everything would hinge on what the medical expert would say and they didn 't expect much . When the judge started questioning the expert , though , I was shocked to hear him say my back was too bad to work and that , combined with my trigeminal neuralgia and other assorted things , meant I couldn 't work at all . So the judge finally ruled in my favor and I got disability . I was shocked and elated , because I had been trying for this for over three years and now finally I got it . We did something pretty fun in October . For my birthday , Gretchen got me Penguins tickets to go see them play the Predators in Nashville . So we went up there , went to Bridgestone Arena , which was nice , and saw the Pens win 3 - 0 . It was very fun and we had a great time . We also had a fantastic meal at a nearby restaurant before the game . Oh , and there were a ton of Pens fans there too ! In November , we traveled to Saint Simons Island GA , where I used to live , to go to the beach and take a nice vacation . The weather was still good and we had a nice time . We also went to Savannah and Jekyll Island . It was a great vacation . In November , we also finally sold our old house and with the money I was able to pay off all of my old student loans , which was a sizable sum , so that was great . However , we discovered a water leak in the kitchen the day before the closing . The buyers still bought the home , but we went through a nightmare getting repairs to the floors and cabinets done while these people got impatient waiting to move in . I don 't blame them , but they drove me nuts . Additionally , we had a new addition to the family this month . Ace , a three month old tabby cat , joined , per Gretchen 's strong wishes . He 's a bundle of energy , but he 's been fun . We also found a new church we 're joining next week . It 's Rivermont Presbyterian Church , which is a UPUSA church . It 's bigger with more people of all ages and has a number of Sunday Schools to attend , so we 're excited . We celebrated Christmas last week and had a great holiday season . We sent and got a lot of cards and exchanged some great gifts and had a good time . Of course it 's also bowl month , so that 's good . In sports , my Steelers have made the playoffs , so I have big hopes for them . My Pirates made the playoffs for the second year in a row , but didn 't get anywhere . There 's always next year , right ? My Penguins made the playoffs , but got bounced out in the second round by the Rangers , so that was disappointing . They 're playing now and even though they have a TON of injuries , they 're still having a good season . Meanwhile my Vols made a bowl game for the first time in four years and they 'll be playing Iowa on January 2 . I 'm hoping for a win . So , it was an up and down year . I still have head pain . I still have insomnia . Gretchen was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and lupus . That 's bad . But we got a new house , a new car , paid off my student loans , and I got disability , so that 's all good . We 're hoping for a great 2015 and we hope all of you have a great 2015 too . Cheers ! Well , I had my surgery yesterday . It was my third in the last four months . I guess it went okay . Although it 's taking awhile for me to recover . I 've gotten really woozy , very dizzy , and have had a sore jaw and a real headache - very bad - ever since waking from the anesthesia . At least this time , the anesthesia worked . I don 't have high hopes for this , although my wife does , but who knows ? It might work out . It might help my pain . I sure hope so . As a follow up to my last post about our old house , it was a disaster ! I wrote about the flooring specialist and said it can 't be too bad . I was wrong . He came in with a meter of some sort and found the kitchen floor and the eating area off the kitchen saturated . Then he found the hardwood floors in the dining and living rooms also saturated ! I didn 't believe him . Then he went to the giant den , which had no water exposure , and claimed it too was saturated and I basically called him a liar to his face . But what could I do ? I 'm no expert . He climbed under the crawl space and took pictures , which told me nothing . And he recommended tearing up the kitchen and kitchen area floor and wood beneath it and replacing it , somehow drying out the hardwood floors ( thank God we don 't have to rip those us ! ) , and tearing up the carpet and carpet pad in the den and replacing them . Oh , he also insists we have to replace the cabinetry in the kitchen . Excuse me , but WTF ? ? ? ! ! ! The closing was that very day . What the hell were we supposed to do ? I called regarding homeowners insurance to get the ball rolling on that while my realtor called the buyers ' realtor to explain the situation and see if they wanted to once again delay the closing or still go ahead with it . And to our relief , they still wanted to do it that day . Thank God ! So , we set this flooring a * * hole up with State Farm , who has been giving me nothing but grief ever since and things seem to be progressing . We went to the closing and met the buyers . They are from Haiti and seemed very nice . I hope they like living there . It was explained to them that the floor repairs could take anywhere from one to five weeks , and they seemed okay with that . Whew ! We got a whole lot less than we should have gotten for it , a whole lot less than what we paid for it , a whole lot less than what we originally listed it for , but after having been on the market for so long , we were just glad to be rid of it . And guess what I did the following day ? With some of the proceeds of the sale , I Meanwhile , Gretchen had a big doctor 's appointment on Tuesday and was diagnosed with probable fibromyalgia and possible lupus . She 's now taking medication for lupus and I don 't really know what they 're going to do about the fibromyalgia . Still , after searching for answers for a very long time , it 's good to finally know . I guess that 's it for now . Isn 't that enough ? Some good , some bad . Could be worse . I hope I recuperate fully soon , because I 'm sick of feeling poorly . I hope this eliminates , or at least diminishes , my head pain . At least for a good , long while . Cheers ! Last Friday night , at 10 PM before we went to bed , I opened the freezer door and discovered the entire thing was melted . We have a huge ice tray and it was full to the brim with melted ice - water - and water was everywhere , including leaking down into the fridge and down the fridge onto the floor beneath . We weren 't sure what to do . I 'd never faced this before . I poured out the water and we mopped up the floor . We turned the temperature all the way up and hoped for the best . We thought about calling someone , but didn 't want to wait up til 1 AM for someone to arrive and til 3 for them to finish , so we left it til the morning . In the morning , we checked and everything in the freezer had frozen over . Apparently , more water had leaked out , but then it all froze up and everything was iced over in the freezer . But at least it had stopped leaking . At 7 : 45 AM , I called an appliance repair place . They said they 'd get here sometime in the morning . This was important , because we were expecting our friends , Chris and Stephanie and their two daughters , from out of state for a visit at lunchtime , so we wanted to get this out of the way . Well , 10 rolled around and then 10 : 30 . I called for a status update . I was told it 'd be a half hour . At 11 : 30 I called to tell them to cancel it and do it some other time , only to be told they were down the road and on their way . So " Serg " got here , looked at it for two minutes , and told us we needed a new ice maker and another part to the tune of $ 410 . Yep . I wanted a working ice maker and didn 't want to go buy a new fridge , so I agreed and we arranged for someone to come this morning to install it . I had to pay half as a deposit that day , which I did . The gang then arrived and we ate . They headed to a tourist attraction called Ruby Falls before we met them at the Tennessee Aquarium , which was really cool . Then we ate at a local restaurant called Food Works , which was really nice . Good times . Monday I had an appointment with my pain management doctor . It was a follow up to my surgery of two weeks ago . The results have been disappointing and I 've had significant pain every day for the past 10 days , so we scheduled yet another surgery for October 8th . This will be my third in four months . It 's getting old and it 's kind of depressing . I also don 't think it 's going to help . I have Trigeminal Neuralgia and most the the pain I 've been getting has not been that type , so I fail to see how these surgeries will help me . Then yesterday , just as I was getting ready to take a nap , since I had been up since 2 AM - I have bad insomnia - I got a call from the appliance repair place . They said they were on their way . I said they weren 't scheduled until today and they said I was scheduled yesterday . We argued back and forth before I gave in and said just come . They said they 'd be there in under an hour . An hour and a half later , they hadn 't shown , so I called and they said they were just leaving a town about a half hour away . Then , 15 minutes later , they called and said they got the wrong part , could they come by late in the day . I told them , no , come by today at the scheduled time . Geez ! This morning I got a call from them telling me my part was on back order and that it 'd be tomorrow . Then later I get a call telling me they have the part and that they 'll be in late tonight . Not this morning , as scheduled . By this time , my wife is livid and I 've lost all confidence in these inept fools . Gretchen wanted me to cancel our appointment with them and I agreed , so I did , with no argument from the girl who answered the phone . Twenty minutes later , some idiot called to tell me he was on his way to my house with the parts . I told him I had cancelled and he wanted to know why . I tried to explain , but he kept interrupting me and argued with me for five minutes about why I should not cancel . Meanwhile , I had called the owner to request a refund and had left a voicemail . I took my nap . When I got up , I had numerous messages . One was from our realtor . Our house we 're selling tomorrow had a bad leak in the kitchen under the sink and the floor was flooded ! Damn ! If it 's not one thing , it 's another . I called around to try and find a plumber , found one who could get right out there and called the realtor back , who had to be there to let him in , since I no longer have a key . Then another message was from the owner , insisting there had been a mixup and that I give him a chance and he guarantees he 'll do a great job and I 'll be fully satisfied . While I 'm texting the realtor , the owner calls . I tell him to call me back in half an hour . I text my wife . We tentatively and a little grudgingly decide to give him a chance . He arrives at my house just as my realtor calls to tell me the plumber fixed the problem and the floors had been cleaned up , and the buyers had done their final walkthrough , but they found a problem with a part of the kitchen floor that they thought was soft that they want addressed , so I had to scramble to find a flooring expert to go over there to look at it . Gretchen found him for me . I just got a text from my realtor that they 're both going to be at the house first thing in the morning and I need to be there too . I hope nothing serious is wrong . The closing has to go through . There have already been two screwups . We can 't afford a third ! Meanwhile , the appliance guy got the new ice maker in , but it 's not making ice . I 'm hoping it just takes awhile . Does anyone know how long it takes before a new one starts working ? I 'm really stressed . Klonopin , take me away ! At least , hopefully tomorrow we 'll sell our old house and get that out of our hair . It 's been a nightmare to get rid of and I can 't wait . Hopefully this floor situation won 't be too bad and hopefully the ice maker will start working . Surely this week can only get better , right ? Hi . It 's been awhile since I 've actually written anything here , besides book reviews . Sorry . A lot has been going on . My mom moved from Chattanooga to Knoxville and we 've been back and forth between the two cities a lot lately . In fact , we 've seen my mom four of the past five weekends , which is more than we saw her when she lived here in Chattanooga . It 's been very tiring . A few weeks ago , we went to my high school class 's 30th reunion in Knoxville . It was pretty good , but a little odd too . So strange to see how people have changed , including me . We got a few good pics , had fun catching up with some people , and had a good time . It was nice to introduce my wife to my old classmates . This month marks the five month anniversary of our cat Toby 's death . We miss him horribly and I wish he could have lived long enough to move to our new house with us . I 'd love to see him running around here . Strangely , our other cat , Henry , has been doing some Toby - like things lately , like he 's channeling Toby . Very odd . This month also marks the one year anniversary of my father 's death last year . He died mowing my yard and it was - and still is - a huge shock . There are so many things I wish I could have and would have told him and so many things I would like to tell him now . We really miss him . We 've stopped at his gravestone in Knoxville a few times . Meanwhile , I love my mother , but … she 's been driving me crazy ever since Dad died . She 's got a LOT of anxiety about a lot of things , which is somewhat understandable , but she calls me all the time . Like 6 - 18 times a day ! She 's gotten better over the past few weeks , but the damage has been done . Now when she calls , I just sigh and pick up the phone . It 's hard . She 's changed a lot . She 's not the mom I grew up knowing and loving . She 's become extremely ADD and OCD , and that makes things difficult . And she refuses to acknowledge such things . I also got her to get Life Alert because she 's elderly and living alone . But she refuses to wear the necklace ! She says she doesn 't like it and it 's " psychological . " But why is she paying $ 70 a month for a service she doesn 't use ? ? ? And last weekend , she fell down our stairs . She 's very lucky she didn 't get hurt . What would happen if she fell at her new place ? She would not have us to help her . That 's what Life Alert is for ! I don 't understand why she doesn 't get it , why she 's being so damn stubborn . Anyway , this month also marks the six month anniversary of getting my new car . I still love my Camry . It 's so much better than my money pit BMW was . I 've put 4 , 000 miles on it , mostly driving back and forth between Chattanooga and Knoxville , and that annoys me some . I don 't like to put miles on my cars . Still , it 's a great ride and I got a great deal on it and I 'm very happy with it . When health permits , my wife and I like to go to the shooting range . We have a . 22 rifle we both like to shoot and my wife is quite good with it . We also have other guns we enjoy shooting , among them a Ruger 9 mm , a Glock 23 , a Beretta PX4 Storm , a Ruger . 22 , a S & W Bodyguard , a SCCY 9 mm , and a Taurus revolver . Among others . I 'm pretty good with the Ruger 9 mm , but need to work on the others . I think I 'm going to really like the SCCY . It 's new and I think it 's going to be pretty good . I got a good deal on it on gunbroker . com . I did something to my arm recently and have been having to go to physical therapy for it . It really hurts . It 's probably just tendinitis , but it 's bad . Meanwhile , my wife has a severe case of poison ivy . It 's all over and it 's tormenting her . I feel really bad for her . We need to find the plants she touched and get rid of them , but neither of us are that good at identifying poison ivy . Oh , also , this month is our six month anniversary of moving into our new house ! We love it here . It 's so much quieter and safer than our old place . We still haven 't gotten most of the pictures up , but we 're otherwise unpacked and we really like it . However , we can 't sell our old house . No one will buy it . No one is buying ANY house in our old neighborhood . We 've lowered the price three times and have had two open houses , but nothing . We actually did get an offer a couple of months ago , but it fell through when their credit was damaged and they lost their loan . That sucked . It 's a nice house , but not in a very good area , so the property values suck and crime is bad . I wish we could sell it though . I 'm sure there have to be people out there who would like it . It 's got character ! It 's got a HUGE den and a HUGE kitchen and hardwood floors and a fireplace . Three beds , two baths , 2100 square feet , one level home . The yard isn 't that great though , and I think that 's probably hurting it . Oh well . Maybe one of these days … . As you know , I 've really been enjoying reading Terry Pratchett 's Discworld books lately . They 're really enjoyable and he 's so witty . A lot of fun . I still like reading Philip K Dick too though . I haven 't read much nonfiction lately though , and I was doing a lot of that over the past couple of years . Maybe I got burned out on it , I don 't know . We have a great , huge used bookstore here where you can pick up six or seven books for $ 10 . It 's great . Election season is coming up and the two Republican candidates for Congress here are really going at it . The incumbent is an asshole Tea Party - type who is the angriest , most hateful person I 've ever seen . We saw them debate on TV . The other guy is really young , but it seems he wants to work with everyone on issues , so I really hope he wins . Of course , I 'm a Democrat , but here in Chattanooga , no Democrat ever has a chance at winning anything , so it 's really tough . I hate living in a Red state . I often wish I was back in L . A . My wife often wishes she was back in Maryland . Oh well . I guess that 's it for now . We 're trying to get well . I 'm trying to deal with my mother . Things go on . It 's a month of reflections . Thanks for joining me . Cheers ! I think I 've been in a deep depression since Toby 's death last month . And I think his death magnifies my father 's death last year . I should be feeling good , living in a nice , new house in a nice , quiet , safe neighborhood , but all I can think about is how Toby isn 't here and doesn 't get to see it and live in it and how Dad can 't experience it - he was a great handyman - and how he can 't help out around the house . It 's really disappointing and I 've been struggling . My wife has commented on it . I don 't know how to snap out of it . Of course it 's not been helped by the poor , grey weather . That 's really been getting to me too . Years ago I was diagnosed with SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder - but I 've never been treated for it . Basically it 's getting deeply depressed due to extended poor weather , most common during the winter . I finally caved in and bought one of those lights for it . You 're supposed to be exposed to it for about an hour each morning , but I haven 't found or made that kind of time for it , so I don 't know that it 's doing any good . I 'm spending about 20 minutes a day in front of it . I need to make a better effort . Meanwhile , I 've been listless and I don 't care about a lot of the things I normally care about . Gretchen misses Toby and my dad too , but she only got to experience being with Toby for two and a half years . He spent his entire six years with me . I watched him grow from a demon imp kitten who I wanted to kill to a loveable , dependable companion cat whose company I really enjoyed . I / we really miss him . He had become Gretchen 's cat , so to speak , over the past few years . When she came home from work , he would jump up and go to greet her , just like a dog . I 'm also having to deal with my mother , who I think has unresolved issues regarding Dad 's death and who is lonely and doesn 't know how to deal with many things , such as financial things . I 'm having to help her a lot , but she calls me a lot and comes over and sometimes it 's a little overwhelPosted in Health | Tagged : cats , death , depression , family , father , health , home , parents , pets , sadness , toby | 4 Comments » Well , we 've been living in our new house for exactly one month today and things are coming together . We 've got just about all of the boxes unpacked , which is good , and most things have been put away . We still haven 't hung any pictures yet , though , but that 's the norm for me . It takes me awhile to hang pictures , mostly cause I hate putting holes in nice walls . So we have them stacked and lying about the house . I guess we 'll have to do it sometime . We started out by meeting the neighbors across the street , who seem nice , and the neighbors on one side , who are nice , but we haven 't met anyone else yet . Gretchen has exchanged waves with the neighbor on the other side of us , but they haven 't come to greet us , so that 's that . I guess we 'll have to go introduce ourselves to them . Where I came from growing up , when someone moved into the neighborhood , you went and introduced yourself . I don 't like it when people don 't do that . In our last neighborhood , no one ever came by . I guess times have changed . We 're really , really enjoying how quiet it is here and how peaceful it is . It 's also very private , particularly out back . That 's nice . We have a deck and a patio and when weather permits , we try to use both . The weather hasn 't been that great here though , although yesterday was nice . It 's also safe here , which has been important to us . People actually leave their garages open during the day ! I would never do that ! Everything 'd get stolen from it in areas I 've lived before . It 's a very nice change . We 're almost done with contractors ! I 've got one here right now working on the screen door to the deck . Some more work needs to be done on the deck , and the floors squeak a bit too much , so we 'd like to have that looked into , but otherwise most things have been taken care of . And let me tell you - it 's cost a pretty penny ! Contractors aren 't cheap . I 'm going to post some requested photos of the place as it currently is ( even messed up a little bit ) . It 's the " lived in " look . I hope you enjoy . Cafe Book BeanTalk Books . Drink Coffee . Simple Living Over 50Defining Life 's ChangesScience Fiction and Other Suspect RuminationsThe Book Review DirectoryOver 150 Book Reviewer Bloggers Listedmore than just a country boiThe Strange Happenings of a submissive Daddi 's boisunsetdragon A . D . Martinwriting - novels - film - television - video games - other stuffIn My Words Life in my own words , my thoughts , my daily happenings , whatever . . . . 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Ethan is 3 months out of surgery , and this blog is well overdue for an update . He is doing beyond fantastic , and our life is becoming normal in a way that we never thought to be possible . We often remember holidays around here not by the joy they brought , but by what " gifts " Ethan 's epilepsy brought us that year . First off was Halloween , obviously a much loved holiday for kids . Two years ago we were fresh into this journey . He had only had 2 seizures up to that point . We were on edge of course , but had no idea what was truly ahead of us . We took him out and I remember one house that he got to where he suddenly looked up a little and dropped his candy . We knew nothing of different seizure types at the time , and although it struck us as odd , we didn 't think much of it . He got home and just shortly after , and while sorting his candy he had his third ever tonic clonic seizure . This was the first one that both Mike and my Mother - in - law had witnessed , and that 's a horror that never leaves you . There was shock and tears , and we watched our son have his first holiday taken from him as he lay postictle for the next 3 hours . Last year was slightly better . He was on his ketogenic diet which meant he could not have a single piece of candy , just one could send him straight back to the hospital . So we let him go as normal , but watched his every move making sure he snuck nothing . We took everything from him the moment he got home and attempted to trade some toy for his candy . Not how any 4 year old would wish to spend that day ! But then there was this year , seizure free and like a new kid . He had a light about him we hadn 't seen in all those years , joyfully running around the neighborhood dragging his sister along and telling her to go faster , him calling the shots . It was perfect , he was indistinguishable from any other child out there , and this Halloween will be remembered as his first seizure free , and back to being a typical child ! And that 's what keeps striking us , we keep saying he 's so normal , he 's back to normal . So many parents get caught up in their kids being the absolute best , no less is to be accepted . Heaven forbid you come in second , not acceptable . Of course it 's great to encourage them to be their best , but you must learn to accept their best . This stresses kids to no end , and can leave life long scars . But why not step back and wonder what 's so bad about average ? Why can 't we just wish happiness for our children , nothing more ? Average is perfect , average is great ! After having no normalcy in our lives , and having an extremely delayed child I wish nothing but normalcy for him , because it would be a huge gift . Him being able to simply keep up with his class , and have normal relationships with his friends would be amazing . He is learning at an incredible rate , and he may be there in a few years . He missed 2 years of development , of retaining any information . He and Taylor play hide and seek . Ethan will count ; 1 , 6 , 9 , eleventeen , here I come ! Taylor will count ; 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 , 9 , 10 here I come ! Developmentally they 're nearly on the same level , her closing in on 3 , and him missing 2 years making him around 3 . 5 . Academically she 's significantly ahead . That 's hard to watch . But the surgery has finally freed his brain , and he 's finally making steps in the right direction . He 's writing his name , recognizing nearly half his letters , making observations about things like he 's never done . The lights are finally on , and he 's playing catch up ! No doubt he 'll get there , we just have to give him time . A couple of weeks ago we were admitted in for a new EEG and sleep study . We were extremely nervous and anxious waiting for the news it would bring . We knew what we were seeing , zero seizure activity , and his breathing at night had become normal . But what would they actually see when they looked in his brain ? We made it up to the hospital and were checked into our room . I get physically ill every time we have to go . The memories there aOnce he was all hooked up and the monitor was turned on , I saw all the spiking start . The ever so familiar signs that shows his brain isn 't doing what it 's supposed to . It was different , I saw the spikes reach the center of the brain and not pass through to the other side which showed the surgery was working , it was stopping the spread , but there was a lot of spiking , about every minute . I was getting nervous , and thought this meant the worse , we weren 't seeing anything , but his brain was still a wreck . The sleep tech came in that evening to hook him up for his sleep study . Once again he laid When he had his first sleep study back in March , the tech was in and out of the room nearly constantly all night . This time I saw him come in exactly once . I woke up thinking that had to be good news , right ? He came in to unhook the sleep leads in the morning . The techs can 't actually tell you anything , but when I asked if he needed to turn on the oxygen at all , he responded with . " I didn 't feel he needed it " . No oxygen , his breathing was normal ! It was seizures causing the breathing issues at night . I was still nervous about all the EEG activity I had been seeing though , but apparently there 's a reason people go to school for years to read and EEG . The neurologist came in later to give us the results . Yes , there was quite a bit of spiking going to , however , the type of activity they were seeing actually corresponds with the extremely high dose of one of the drugs he 's on , Clobazam . He 's on a dose about 2 . 5 times higher than the highest recommended dose , and although it 's been a drug that has worked fairly well for him , it causes changes in brain activity . Best news of all , he had ZERO seizures during the entire study , not one ! What we had been seeing is what the EEG saw , no seizures ! The surgery was working , and working great ! We were going home off oxygen with concrete proof he was not seizing , I can 't even explain how wonderful of a feeling that is ! Just after getting unhooked , and learning he 's not seizing ! So we went home with one goal in mind , finally after 2 years kicking him out of our room ! We took his bed down , his favorite toys , and his fish tank . All were arranged how he wanted , and it 's amazing how much more space there now is in our bedroom ! He is now living every kids dream , a nice big room attached to a giant playroom . He even had me print out a " No Taylor Allowed " sign , and yells it at her whenever she starts invading his new territory . We allow him to go up and down the stairs at will , after never allowing one step on them without us holding onto him . We 're working very hard on taking a step back and allowing him to have the freedom that didn 't naturally develop over the last 2 years . The fear is still there , and I don 't know if it will ever leave . If I hear him make one of his typical seizure sounds , or fall suddenly I jump up and react before I know what 's going on , and my heart races and adrenalin starts pumping . Obviously I 'm not completely over everything that happened , and after only 3 months shouldn 't expect to be . I still worry that in another month , next summer , in 2 years that they are going to start up again , and this whole nightmare will replay itself . I 'm a worrier by nature , and really wish I could push those thoughts away . I still worry he will die every night , and often find myself sneaking down the stairs at 2 in the morning checking the blinking lights on his Emfit monitor to make sure he is breathing . When he sleeps a little late horrible thoughts start going through my mind . Hopefully someday these will at lease ease , and maybe pass . His new room ! Right around the corner is Christmas , yet another holiday we mark with seizure activity , and yet another we wish to proudly announce was marked by none ! He 's so much more into it this year , so much more aware . He 's loving every aspect . We let him go and pick out the tree he wanted , no matter how big or funny looking . We remind him that Santa is watching , and he 's to be on his bestPicking out his tree . I woke up this morning to an alarm going off at 5 . Not an alarm on a clock , not an alarm on a phone , the alarm on the bed of my 5 year old sleeping next to me that tells me when he 's having a seizure , or when he stops breathing . As always I hopped out of bed , but found nothing more than that he had rolled off the sensor and triggered the alarm . This is a completely normal occurrence that happens 10 - 12 times a week . Sometimes I find him sleeping on the floor because he 's rolled out of bed , but others I find him face down in his pillow convulsing violently and know that without that alarm the morning could end in tragedy . What do I do when I find him like that ? Do I panic , do I call an ambulance ? Nope , I calmly turn him on his side and give the clock a quick glance to check the time . I stay with him rubbing his back until he comes out , or I notice it 's not stopping and I need to give him medication to stop it for him . He always comes out with a very deep breath to fill up his chest again , then fidgets around as his brain searches for normalcy . I cover him back up , kiss him on the head , and tell him I love him . Then get up and go about my day . 2 years ago on this day at approximately 3 in the afternoon this routine was played out for the first time . The difference is I didn 't have my honorary degree in neurology . I had no idea what was going on , I didn 't even know what a seizure was . I saw my silly boy slump down in a chair and I assumed he was " playing dead " as 3 year old boys love to do . I remember calmly getting up with a smile on my face , then I remember the look on his face . It 's burned into my brain forever . His head was thrown back , his eyes were rolled back in his head , and he was gurgling . Seizure safety is to lay the person on their side . I didn 't know this , I thought he was choking . I flipped him up over my shoulder and smacked him on the back as I made a 911 call for the first time in my life . I don 't even remember what the lady on the other end said to me . I held him as he came out and collapsed in my aThat was the worst day of my life . That whole scene plays out in my dreams almost every night . I wake up in a panic , but unfortunately I realize the nightmare is our reality . I glance over and see the shell of the boy he 's become . I see the oxygen tubes on his face . I hurt for him . The upside is he 's young . Since this started at 3 he didn 't have enough time to develop self awareness before it hit . I don 't think he even realizes he 's different than other kids , he just loves everyone , and sees everyone as equal . I wish everyone could live their lives through the same eyes , there would be so much less hate and discrimination in the world . So we 've gone on with our journey . 13 medications , and insane diet , and dozens of hospitalizations later the topic of brain surgery comes up . It 's an interesting transition you go through . It 's always the next medication , then this outrageous diet , but then you get to a point where you 've reached the bottom of the list , and you know it . I remember the appointment , Ethan was asleep in a wagon and I asked where we go from here . His doctor replied that there 's one more medication , a very risky drug named Felbatol , and after that perhaps a VNS or corpus callosotomy . I knew what Felbatol was , I knew was a VNS was , I had no idea what a corpus callosotomy was . In all my Dr . Google research I had never even come over the term . I looked it up on the drive home and remember exclaiming , " That 's brain surgery " . I read every bit I could about it from there on out . It 's strange when you start to realize that brain surgery could be less risky , and have a higher success rate than the majority of drugs your child has been on . It 's that switch when you want brain surgery for your child , this " elective " surgery as they referred to it as . So we start bringing it up with the doctor whenever we could . But come to find out they don 't actually do this surgery for kids like Ethan there . He doesn 't fit their criteria perfectly . He has nearly as many tonic clonics as he does drops along with a plethora of otPosted by It 's been 10 days since Ethan had his complete callosotomy in hopes of bettering his life . It will obviously be months or even years before we know how well it has really worked , and what kind of damage it may have caused . After the surgeon had come to tell us that surgery had gone fantastic , we waited outside the ICU for about an hour waiting to go back and see him . The anesthesiologists came out at one time to tell us that he looked great , and was moving his arms and legs . He hadn 't yet talked . After waiting for what seemed like forever , we finally got to go back and see him . He looked significantly better than the horror picture I had imagined . He was awake , and had a zig zag incision that went from just behind his hairline to the middle back of his head . All things considered , he looked great ! He was clearly happy to see us , though a bit out of it still . He couldn 't quite get words out at this point . He was vomiting as well . For the first time in my life , I actually got nauseous and had to sit down and close my eyes . As good as it looked , it still wasn 't pretty . His head right after . Ethan was very tired , which is to be expected . He was not complaining of any pain , but went in and out of sleep . He stayed in the ICU to be monitored more closely . He continued to do quite well . He was drinking a little here and there . He was still vomiting quite regularly . Later in the evening , Mike had to leave to get home to Taylor . I wasn 't to be alone for long though . My friend Heather , who also happens to have an awesome little boy with Doose , showed up . Ethan slept through the whole visit , but she brought him a gorgeous embroidered blanket , and even one for Taylor too ! It 's so nice to be able to chat with someone that completely understands every aspect of what life is like with a child with intractable epilepsy . She commented on how amazing he looked , and I agreed . His eyes were hardly swollen , when I had expected them to be completely swollen shut . Ethan 's surgeon even stopped by in that time , at 8 : 30 at night , to see how he was doing . Keep in mind he had gotten to work at around 7 : 30 that morning , done a 6 hour surgery on Ethan , and probably had a whole day of clinic visits after that , and still made time to pop in to see him before he left for the day . I really love this surgeon ! His blanket , can 't see the embroidery though : ) The next day he continued to do fantastic ! He was trying to talk more and more . His voice was very shaky though , and it was clear he was having a hard time finding words . He could only get one or two words out at a time . He was still sleeping a lot , and vomiting here and there . He was keeping down more liquids though . His swelling was still quite minimal . He had puffy eyes , but that 's all . He was doing so well that they removed his arterial line , and made plans to transfer him out of ICU because he didn 't need that level of care ! He was really doing so much better than what was expected . They finally got us a bed on the floor at about 9 : 00 at night . We got settled in , and he slept until morning ! The next morning he was doing so incredibly well , that we were told he could actually go home if we got him up and walking ! This was a huge shock to us , it was only 48 hours after surgery . I had my reservations , but figured they knew best . A bit later in the day we got him up to walk . He couldn 't walk without being completely supported , and he was more or less dragging his left side . None the less , the nurse put in the orders to discharge him . The surgeon from the floor was in surgery , and so wasn 't seeing how he was actually acting . I knew he wasn 't ready to go home , but I wanted out of there so bad that I packed up our things and got ready to get out of there . Upon me picking him up from bed and moving him into his wheelchair , he threw up and was looking pretty bad . The nurse said it was fine and hurried us out the door . He looked miserable on the drive home , and it was about 30 minutes from the hospital I realized the nurse had also left his IV in . Upon arriving home he just wasn 't doing well . He was just laying there not moving or even responding . Then the vomiting started up again and wouldn 't let up . We also noticed his stomach was quite distended . His normal " innie " belly button was protruding quite far . We called up the surgeon 's office , and spoke with his nurse . She was outraged that he was released . It 's hospital policy to not allow anyone to leave if they 're vomiting , even if it 's in the parking lot about to get in the car . They always have to come back and be monitored for a few hours . Besides the vomiting , he was simply in no condition to leave . She told us to get in the car and come back up , and she would have a room waiting for us so we didn 't have to go through the ER , she was wonderful ! So after 2 hours home , back we went . They were able to get an IV back in him the night before , you know after the one he was sent home with was removed . It took 2 tries , and he was so out of it that he just laid there while they poked him . The next day he was still looking pretty miserable . He had fluids and anti nausea meds through the night , and he was still throwing up . He also wouldn 't eat anything . I asked them to put him on a stronger nausea med , and that one seemed to do the trick , but it also made him very tired and unable to stay awake . Over the next 48 hours or so we were really just working on keeping his vomiting in check , trying to get some nutrition into him , and getting his bowels moving . That was the reason for the distended stomach . They took some x - rays and really bumped up efforts after seeing how bad it was . Neurologically through this all he was doing quite well . Every day he was speaking more and more , and was walking better . Physical and speech therapy started visiting him daily and working with him . These therapies will have to continue for some time as his brain and body heal . Too tired from the meds to even think about food . The next days he continued to get better . We tried to get out walking several times a day . He enjoyed getting downstairs to play with the toys , and into the cafeteria to get cookies and " red drink " every day ! We were finally seeing him improving , and taking steps forward . He was still vomiting , but not as bad as he had been . It was finally on Tuesday that everyone decided he could finally come home . He was eating and drinking , talking and walking so much better , and just overall in better spirits ! Have I mentioned yet that he hadn 't had a single seizure either ? ? ? He was saying all morning that he wanted to go home , and finally around 11 : 00 the doctor came in with his discharge papers ! Off we went ! Since being home , he has continued to do better daily . His appetite is getting better , and so is his strength . He seems to be suffering from some type of depression . He 's often just moping around and not wanting to do anything . He does have his moments where that happy bubbly boy shines through , and his behavior seems much improved since the procedure . He is also still seizure free ! ! ! ! I 'm trying not to get my hopes up though because we know this surgery is not designed to eliminate seizures , just to try to control and reduce them . While his strength is improving , it 's still not 100 % . He jumped off the little chest at the end of our bed yesterday , and it was very awkward and he landed funny . He injured his foot slightly . He 's walking with a small limp , and complaining of some pain . He has an appt on Monday with his pediatrician to check his incision , so she can look at it at the same time . If it gets worse before then , it will obviously be looked at earlier . He 's enjoying preparing his own food , with our help of course . That 's helping him eat more so we can get some meat on his bones ! He 's so very skinny . He 's still more tired than normal , and is almost falling over mid day and needs a nap . That 's perfectly fine , and after he 's looking more refreshed . He 's also sleeping about 12 hours at night , and seems to need every bit . The surgeon is one of the few that does not shave the heads of his patients . He does so to increase their self esteem , even though the process to close the wound is much more labor intensive . A week and a half out because of this , his hair is already growing over the incision and at least to me is hardly noticeable ! It 's healing very well , and there have been no signs of infection and the swelling is completely gone . So far everything has been beyond my expectations , and of course I hope it all continues to be so ! Eating a tomato he picked himself ! I 'll try to keep this updated as I get new info . They took him back at 8 : 30 , we got to go back with him while they put him under . He was actually excited to go and not scared at all so that was good . He got to take hit blanket and his " battle force 5 " cars . He didn 't fight the gas , and drifted off easily . Surgery is expected to last 6 hours , until 230 or so . We should be getting phone calls every hour or so , so I 'll update as it goes on . 2 : 00 pm : He 's done ! The surgeon said it could not have gone better ! We 're waiting for him to get up to ICU . Posted by There is a very big event coming up in Ethan 's future . After 13 failed medications , and a failed ketogenic diet , his neurologist gave us 2 more options . First was to put him on Felbatol , a rather dangerous antiepileptic drug used in extreme cases where several other medications had failed . We really didn 't want him on it , but eventually agreed to try it . The dose is slowly increased over several weeks , while having bi - weekly blood draws to check for liver function . With every dose Ethan would actually get worse . It became very clear that this drug was not working for him at all , and he was actually sustaining head injuries from the violent seizures that would strike out of nowhere . Upon speaking with his neurologist about it , she informed us that she wanted to go forward with option number 2 , a corpus callosotomy . A corpus callosotomy is a type of brain surgery where the surgeon will go in and separate the bundle of nerve fibers , called the corpus callosum , that connects the two sides of the brain together . Certain types of generalized seizures , atonic and tonic clonic most prevalently , can be significantly reduced by having this done . These are the two most common seizures Ethan has , and they 're by far the most dangerous . This surgery can be done two different ways , either by cutting the front 2 / 3rds , or the entire thing . The surgeon doesn 't even want to mess with doing the partial . He feels we would be going in a few months later to finish it anyway so we might as well do it all at one time . Ethan went through a whole neuropsychological exam a couple weeks ago , and he will repeat the test a couple weeks post op to see if any areas have been damaged or altered in any way . So we head back up to Denver Children 's on Tuesday , the 18th for pre op blood work , a full physical , and a CT scan . The next morning he has the surgery so we 'll be staying up in a hotel so we don 't have to drive up at 4 in the morning ! We don 't know how long he will stay there . The surgery itself is about 4 - 5 hours , and he will be staying in the ICU for the first night . From there we 've been told anywhere from 4 - 5 days to several weeks can be expected for a hospital stay . So far Ethan has showed that he heals very quickly , and is a very strong boy , so we 're hoping he won 't be in the hospital longer than a week or so ! So that 's our next big step , and if successful this could give him a big portion of his life back . Without the constant bombard of seizures he would be able to learn and retain information , have more typical relationships , and perhaps even play on the school playground without his aid one step behind him ! Only time will tell , but we 're keeping our fingers crossed ! This blog is long overdue for an update . Ethan continues to have several ups and downs . He 'll be great for a period of time , then we 'll find ourselves right back where we were with several daily seizures , and watching our child decline . We actually had a very good run . Once we got his dose up on the clobazam he was mostly seizure free for a while . He would have a bad day mixed in here and there , but it was a marked improvement . But slowly but surely we started to see the typical path that new medications always seem to take . Small jerks came back , then drops , then tonic clonics . We would always try to find cause , maybe it was his little cold , or maybe he just had a bad day . But they came more frequently , and eventually we were back to daily seizures , and multiple tonic clonics a week , sometimes more than one in a day . We called and spoke with his doctor and they upped the Clobazam even more , and we were informed he 's over the maximum dose on both the medications he 's on , and that would be the last increase we could do . We took it for what it was , and continued on hoping the increase would do it . Unfortunately it didn 't . The seizures returned full force just a few days later , and we are now stuck here . Ethan also had a new MRI a couple weeks ago to check to see if they could see a reason for his central sleep apnea , and also to just general check things and compare to his last one . His last MRI was completely clean , and I found myself in limbo between wanting another clean MRI , and wanting them to find something , almost hoping that if they found something they could somehow fix it . The procedure went well , and besides Ethan being angry and groggy after waking up he did fine as well . We got the results a few days later and it was in fact clean , with just some sinus swelling . So that was good / bad news I guess ! It leaves him still with no physical reasons for his seizures , and no obvious reasons for his central sleep apnea . As has been the case the whole time , we 're left with no reason for this all . With his health once again declining his neurologist has been pressuring us to put him on yet another drug called Felbatol . It is a risky drug , and more or less used as a last resort . It has a high chance of side effects , and requires a whole battery of tests before starting it , and blood tests every other week while on it . It also statistically has the same chance of killing his as he has of having Doose in the first place . We are required to sign a waiver for him to even be put on it . We really don 't want him on it . After 12 drugs and the ketogenic diet we kind of figure that magical dangerous drug number 13 isn 't going to do it , but they have informed us that they will not pursue surgical options until this drug has been marked off the list , and it 's either try it or we have no other options for you . So we are begrudgingly putting him on it . Of course there is a chance it will work , but after so many fails you become very skeptical , especially when there is such a risk to it . If all this wasn 't bad enough , one of my worst nightmares became a reality this week . We have the typical kiddie pool set up in our back yard , a little pool with a foot and a half of water , and and a slide going in . I was laying in a chair about 15 feet away watching the kids play . Ethan was at the top of the slide about to go down when he went into a tonic clonic seizure . I watched him fall down the slide and end up face down in the water as I ran to him . When I got there he was face down and seizing . I grabbed him out by the arm with one hand , as I dialed 911 into my phone on the other , not actually making the call yet . I got him out and he continued to seize for another minute or so and when he came out of it he coughed up a ton of water . I took him inside to dry him off an watch him , and put in a call to his doctor to make sure everything was ok . They said since he did cough up so much water , and was acting fine that he probably got it all up , but to call back if we saw any changes . It 's definitely one of those memories , just like his very first seizure , that is burned into my brain . Just him face down in the water flailing . I can 't get it out of my mind that if I had my back turned , or was farther away , or had stepped inside for a minute that he could have drowned . It was horrifying , but I 'm very happy it did all turn out fine ! Our big boy also turned 5 at the end of April ! I can 't believe he 's already 5 , who knows where the time goes ! He started telling us months before that he wanted a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese , so off we went to every parents favorite place . . . . It didn 't matter , he deserved the best day every , and we would have given him anything we could . But on his actual birthday he got to open his present from mom and dad , a firetruck ! I love that we can get him gifts that can secretly be used for both him and Taylor : ) The day of his party was 2 hours of chaos , but the smiles on his face were so worth it ! He had a blast ! Just hope he doesn 't want to go back next year : ) That 's pretty much what has been going on with Ethan over the last couple months . We do have something big we 're looking forward to though , we are going on vacation at the end of June , and Ethan is finally going to get his feet in the sand ! ! ! ! It has been his wish to go to the beach for years now , and thanks to Kate , and everyone that donated that is going to be a reality ! We 're not stopping there though , we 're also hitting Disney , Legoland , and Seaworld while we 're there ! Ethan can 't stop talking about going to Mickey 's house , and Taylor won 't stop mentioning Pooh Bear 's house ! They will have a blast ! I can 't wait to go to Legoland . Of course it will be fun for the kids , but I grew up in the town it 's in , so it will be fun to go back " home " after being gone for so long , and see how things have changed : ) It 's going to be a blast , and we can not wait ! ! ! ! In one last bit of news we have been working on Jet 's training full force . Over the last few months he has gotten so significantly better ! I 'm amazed at some of the things he can do , and his behavior is fantastic ! He even passed his public access test last week ! I will eventually get a DVD of the test , and will share it here . Just for fun we tried to get him to open a handicap door , and he got it on his third try ! I haven 't trained him for any tasks like that , so I was impressed . So I 'll leave you with some fun doggy training pictures : ) It 's been quite a while since I 've updated things here . Once we got home and settled from the last few hospital visits we upped his clobazam up to higher dose , and slowly but surely Ethan seizures started to go away ! The drug is working ! This isn 't to say he is having no seizures . We still feel occasional jerking , and without looking into his brain with EEG there is no way to know for sure . He has had 2 tonic clonic seizures in the last month . These are the typical seizure you think of , the ones you see on TV . His normal tonic clonics do not stop . They are violent and long , and last upward of 6 or 7 minutes on average . Since he 's been on the Clobazam at the higher dose , he will go into one but once it gets to the bad point it just kind of fizzles out and he comes out of it . I 'm obviously not a doctor , and don 't know exactly what the drug is doing , but it seems that it is stopping them from taking their full course and getting out of control which is amazing ! His quality of life has definitely improved . Our days don 't revolve around seizures at this point , they revolve around Ethan being a normal ( mostly ) little boy , playing with his dog , playing outside ( because it 's nice out ! ) , going to school and playing with his friends , and of course bickering with his little sister : ) Two big seizures a month is no big deal when you 've become accustomed to 100 + a day ! We are also finally , after a year and a half , weaning him off of Depakote ! ! ! ! It 's a nasty drug with bad side effects , and he 's been on an ever increasing dose for over a year . It has never made any difference , but it 's a front line epilepsy drug that often works well so they have been reluctant to take him off it . He 's currenly at only 250mg a day , down from 750mg a day with no increase in his seizures . That leaves him on only 3 drugs so this is good news ! So that is the good news , and mostly the end of it . During our last neurology appointment we brought up to our doctor that when Ethan is sleeping he does this weird breathing thing . Basically he 'll take a big breath or two , then not breath for maybe 15 - 45 seconds , then catch his breath and do it again . We 've been noticing this for maybe the last couple of months . Also when we were in the hospital the last few times he would have several de - stats through the night . Doctors would always check him and say yes , he is dropping his stats , but seems stable . She agreed to order a sleep study basically just to shut us up and get us to stop talking about it . . . When we got the call to schedule it , it was booked all the way out to May ! We had them put us on a cancellation list , and last Tuesday morning we were called and asked if we could come that night , of course we said yes even though it meant Ethan would miss one of his last 2 days of school before 2 weeks off for spring break . . . That 's a LONG time for him to not be in school : ) We got up to the sleep lab in the evening , and I saw this as a perfect opportunity to have Jet stay the night at the hospital for the first time . This was a planned short visit , just perfect for him to get his feet wet ! We 've been focusing much of our training with him on accepting strangers . It 's typical for people not to walk up and pet a service dog , and Jet ignores everyone when we 're out in public so it 's not always seen , but he really doesn 't like people . He is nothing like a lab who happily comes up and wags his tail to be petted , he stands away and ignores people , and if you approach him instead of him coming up to you he backs away . The trainer we work with has suggested that unlike most working dogs , we actually encourage people to come up and pet him and give him treats , so while in the hospital we were working on it . While in the waiting room of the sleep lab there was another little boy there , maybe 7 or 8 years old . I was beyond shocked when Jet got up and walked over to this little boy and set right in front of him and licked his face . This is so far away from his normal behavior . He cuddled with this boy and let him love all over him , not much different than he does with Ethan . It turns out that this boy has autism , and somehow Jet picked up on something that told him he was needed there . His mom told me he was completely non verbal until they got a dog that totally brought him out of his shell . It 's really amazing the things dogs can do just with their presence ! Once they got him back they hooked him all up . They use some EEG leads , then put leads all over his body and face , and tape oxygen tubing to his face . He 's such a trooper . No child I 've ever met his age would sit there and not complain for an hour while his entire body was wired up and wrapped up . He 's such a good boy ! Jet fell asleep on his bed , and eventually Ethan got to sleep as well . When he woke up in the morning the tech came to unhook him and told me he needed oxygen in the night . I asked why and he told me he really couldn 't tell me , only the doctors can go over results , but " not to worry " , and " it 's often normal " . . . . I should know better by now then to trust those words . Jet hanging out with Ethan ! Not 20 minutes after leaving the hospital I got a call from a nurse . She said they still couldn 't give me any results , but it does seem that Ethan does need to be on oxygen and we would be getting a call from a health care company to set up a delivery . I was told he needed to be on it at night , or anytime he was sleeping . . . But no one wants to tell us why ! The health care company came and delivered everything , one huge oxygen canister , and 4 smaller ones for travel and gave us a quick run down on how to use it . He actually had slightly more information than we had been given . He said all he knew is that his oxygen had gotten as low as 83 % during the night . Anything under 93 % is considered dangerous . So there we were . For the next week we called every single day , multiple times a day to try to get answers as to why we had him on oxygen , and no one could tell us anything because certain people have to sign off on results , but those people can 't give results , yadda yadda yadda . . . We were trying to figure out how to stop him from strangling himself on the tubing . Things got really bad when Mike was woken up in the morning to him choking . I was out in the living room awake already . The tubing had slipped off his nose and around his neck and somehow his legs were pulling down on the tubing and he was choking . Thankfully Mike did wake up and was able to untangle him . It took about 15 minutes before he was breathing well again . That was the end of it , we weren 't putting that thing back on him until we knew if there was more of a risk of him not breathing at night , or choking himself . The next day we did get more answers , but still not all of them . His average oxygen level while sleeping was between 90 % - 91 % , with drops down as low as the 83 % . Also he was doing the breathing thing we had been seeing . He was doing this approximately 5 % of the time , and in children normal is considered less than 1 % of the time . The people in the sleep lab suggested he has a new MRI ( his first was done after he had had maybe 5 seizures , and a year and a half later he 's had over half a million so I imagine some damage could have been done ) , and we see a pulmonologist . So finally , 2 days later , our neurologist finally felt she could pick up the phone and call us back . She calls just to tell us there 's nothing we can do and we need to call our pediatrician to go over the results . Mike asked her about repeating the MRI and she said even if it did show damage there 's nothing we can do about it so why repeat it ? Hmmmm , maybe it would be good to know ? Obviously our frustration with her is very high right now . Our amazing pediatrician got us in last minute yesterday . She told us if anything like this ever happens again , and for a week we are sitting with no answers we are to call her and she will take care of things . We 're so lucky to have her for a doctor . She randomly calls out of the blue just to check on Ethan , and always makes time to see us even though she has a very busy schedule . She went over the rest of the results with me . Yes , his results were abnormal , and his O2 was very low during the night . Even in her office it was only at 93 % . He also had irregular breathing quite frequently during the night . She described it much the same as the way newborns breath when they sleep , breathing fast , then slow , then pausing . This is not normal past the newborn stage . She also said there were frequent periods of apnea , and the type he was having was coming from the brain . She said he absolutely needs a new MRI , no questions asked , quite a difference from our neurologist ! They need to see what changes may have happened in hiAnd just for anyone that doesn 't know , March 26th is epilepsy awareness day . Next Monday wear purple to honor those living with epilepsy , and spread awareness ! And I leave you with an adorable squishy puppy pic , and one of spring fun in the warming days to brighten your day : ) UPDATE 5 : 45PM - Things quickly turned bad this afternoon . He had about a dozen violent drops , followed by a long and violent full out tonic clonic . He still isn 't acting quite right . Let 's hope this was just a fluke , and not a change : ( http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = K3NRrzqhLGc Things have continued to go downhill the last couple of weeks . It started small , he would have small jerks here and there , full out myoclonic - astatic seizures maybe once or twice a day , and tonic clonics every week or two . Then they got more violent . His drops are knocking him to the floor , his myoclonics are quite literally throwing him back two feet , and tonic clonics are coming every couple of days , and sometimes multiple times a day . We have been waiting so long for Clobazam and we are finally on it , but in the almost two weeks he 's been on it he 's gotten worse every day . We ended up in the ER twice last week , and one of those trips found us being transferred via ambulance back up to Children 's 70 miles away . They were so sweet , they turned on the lights for him : ) We arrived in the ER and they put us in a room and basically ignored him . It wasn 't until he started clustering that they were paying him a little attention . The ER doc came in and started to tell me how they were planning to watch him for a little while then send us home because there was nothing they could do . Just then Ethan went into a tonic clonic and in a flash the room was filled with about 3 doctors and 5 nurses . It 's amazing that the seizures we deal with on a daily basis alone require half a dozen hospital staff and oxygen to deal with . The seizure lasted about 10 minutes and was quoted as being " impressive " . Right when he started to come out a nurse picked him up and ran him down the hall to the front room where ambulances drop off the most critical cases . He was put on oxygen and cardio leads and once again , we were dropped and left alone . More than an hour later the same ER doc came in to tell us again that neuro wanted to send us home because there was nothing they could do . Mike called the neuro department and talked to them and magically 20 minutes later someone was coming down telling me they had a room for us upstairs . . . . Just to add , he had Ativan given just a few hours prior at the other ER , and they gave it to him again during his long seizure . He was pretty drugged up at this point , and it still wasn 't stopping the seizures . Waiting to go up . We got up to our room and got settled in for the night which was pretty quiet , no real obvious seizures to me . The next morning the nurse told me he wet the bed and she changed him out in the middle of the night . This was somewhat worrying to me . He very rarely wets the bed , and when he does we sort of figure it was a seizure . But he had an apple juice before bed , so maybe it was just a fluke . I wasn 't sure yet . . . . The seizures started coming back in the morning . Only now he was having a brand new one . It looked somewhat like an atypical absence seizures , but he would make a funny noise . . . . And wet himself which he has never ever done during a seizure . That day he had 4 of these episodes where he would wet himself . Neuro was still completely ignoring us . They told us they didn 't want an EEG on him because they knew everything about his epilepsy . . . REALLY ? ? ? ? This was news to us . Sure wish they would share this info with us . Even with a brand new seizure they still said they knew all they needed and he wouldn 't be getting an EEG even though in the last month his seizures have increased from a few a month to up to a hundred or more a day . Still doesn 't phase him ! Our frustrations were rising by this point . We were once again pretty much ignored for the rest of the day , and for the first time in years I had to put a diaper on my child to sleep in . The next morning he woke up and the seizures started and did not stop . He was having atonics , myoclonics , and absences back to back to back . He seized for 2 hours straight . I told every doctor on the floor , every nurse , everyone . I told them I needed someone from neurology down immediately and no one came . He quite literally had 200 seizures in 2 hours before an order was finally put in for Diazapam . Having an IV they brought in that form . Of course they go to give it and his IV isn 't working . Great . So they ordered the rectal version that took another 20 minutes to be sent up . They gave it to him and he had 2 more seizures then they stopped . Nearly 2 . 5 hours later they did what I would have done instinctively hours ago . Someone finally came up from neurology and apologized . I was told his primary neurologist was out until Friday , and basically they wouldn 't touch him without her telling them what to do . Well great , that 's very helpful . Another pediatrician came in and apologized for how everything went . She said he wasn 't continuously seizing for more than 5 minutes at a time and the order is to give diastat after 5 minutes . . . No , the order is 5 minutes straight or more than 6 in an hour . He was having 6 in 10 minutes . I was so fed up . I told them the diastat keeps his seizures away for about 72 hours and since they wouldn 't do anything until his neuro came in in 2 more days I wanted to go home . There was no point staying there and keeping him trapped in a bed when we could watch him in the comfort of his home . myoclonics and absences . They started small and not too frequently , and hour by hour got worse . Last night he was up all night seizing . It is very rare that he has seizures at night , and he was having clusters every time I woke up last night . He got up this morning and it 's been non stop . If I told you my child had been uThe type of seizures he 's having this morning . And yes , I give him cookies at 7 : 00 am ! : Ethan had been doing VERY well seizure wise . We actually went 4 weeks and a day between tonic clonics which is a new record ! But after that he had 2 more within a week . Then we starting seeing the small jerks coming back . These are the same small jerks we starting seeing a little over a year ago . We had no idea what they were at the time as he was still only having tonic clonics then . At that time over the span of about a month those small jerks turned into clustering jerks , then clustering with loss of consciousness , then to almost non stop seizing all day . Unfortunately in the last weeks we have watched those small jerks come back , and now evolve into full myoclonic - astatic seizures with loss of consciousness . Basically they start with a drop seizure which has been knocking him to the ground which wasn 't the case before , then the drops keep coming over and over , at this time it 's about 10 in a row . Then it 's followed by about a minute long absence seizure . He 's unconscious the whole time . These have been happening several times a day now . The path things are taking is so similar to what happened this time last year , and I 'm very fearful that we will end up where we were then . We were literally in the hospital every other week for a week at a time . We have an appointment on the 23rd with his epileptologist so I guess we 'll see what the next move is then . It seems they always just want to throw more drugs at him . But these are the same drugs he 's been on for a year + that have never worked . I don 't really know why they think increasing doses will do anything . I suppose they feel they have to do something , but it 's very frustrating . There is a new drug that was recently FDA approved that we will be trying out though that 's called Clobazam . It has actually showed promise in other kids with Doose , so we 're hoping for the best ! Ethan has also completed his first 2 weeks of school ! He loves it ! He has a personal aid that says with him all day to keep him on track , and watch out for medical issues . It seems to be going really great so far ! He shoves me out the door when I 'm dropping him off because he can 't wait to get in there and have fun ! He seems to be adjusting well , and working on making new friends . He does have to wear a helmet when he 's outside playing , but he doesn 't seem to mind , and the other kids don 't seems to notice . I guess that 's a great thing about 4 year olds , they don 't notice differences in kids yet . Taylor and I also have a great time when he 's in school ! We like to go out every day to play and run errands together . She misses so much one on one time because of all of Ethan 's medical problems , so it 's nice for her to have some time . Ready for his first day ! |
A big ' thank you ' goes out to my editors and friends , LadyCibelle and Techsan . They always make my stories a much better read . I made quite a few changes after editing . Any errors are mine . There isn 't a lot of sex in this story . As we get older I think we all look back and wonder " What if " I did things differently ? Even small things like taking the spouse out for dinner a couple of extra times , or playing catch with the kids instead of just watching them . Then there 's the bigger things ; what if I had a different job , followed my heart . Would I be where I am today ? Would life have been better or worse ? Questions , questions , and more questions , but never any real answers . There 's no answers because all the results are based on ' What if 's ' and what might have been instead of what is real . There I go rambling on again . All I know is , I have some decisions to make . I have cancer and am lying in a bed . The hospital is waiting for my decisions . I guess I should start at the other end of my life . Or this will be an awfully short story . I was born and raised in a good home , actually a very good home . I have one sibling , a sister who now lives somewhere out west . In high school I was part of the geek set . I was proud of it and still am . I was always able to handle myself and had very few fights . I was named ' Most likely to succeed ' and had a number of friends who were also of the geek set . I had a lot of jock friends but wasn 't really good enough to play sports . I liked to watch sports but just didn 't have the athletic ability to succeed in that arena . My arena was the computer industry . I remember thirty years ago when it took a whole room of computers to do what one PC ( personal computer ) can do today . I went straight to the tech schools and kept learning everything I could about computers . I grew in knowledge as the computer industry was making all the big changes . I was there through it all . I didn 't want to just program a computer or run a little software . I wanted to know it all , how to build them from the ground up , to learn of their inner workings . I succeeded and worked for some of the largest computer companies . I spent a lot of time repairing , and inventing new programs and parts to make the computer more user - friendly . Eventually I went out on my own and ran my own business . I still am a major stock holder in the businesses today . I 'll get into that later . My personal life isn 't exactly that of a stud or a player . I didn 't date a lot in school but there were a few gals I liked . A date for me was just that ; we would go to a movie , maybe go somewhere and eat . With some I had sex , and it was good . I didn 't particularly fall in love or anything like that . To me some were better than others , but sex just wasn 't first in my life . My inventions and learning seemed to come first . When I turned twenty six my parents wondered why I still lived a home . It was because I felt comfortable there and Mom was the greatest cook in the world . I paid them rent even though they weren 't hurting for money . It was just the right thing to do . Everyone was trying to set me up with someone . I started dating Katie who worked at one of the local banks . She seemed like a nice person but did have a little girl out of wedlock when she was in her first year of college . She never told the father but quit college and came back home to raise her child . I do have to say I enjoyed being around her . To cut to the chase , we did get married and bought a nice condo with a pool and all . Life was different then . I 'd come home to a family life which I wasn 't accustomed to . I would get late night calls to go help businesses with their computer problems and Katie didn 't like it . It just wasn 't working out except the pretty much sex on demand , which I did like . She loved sex and was always willing . I went to quite a few computer class updates . There was always something new coming out . When I came home from my last trip , Katie said she needed to talk . It didn 't sound good . " He hasn 't seen his daughter in six years , you see him one time and now everything is peachy ? What 's the real story , Katie ? You can have your divorce but I want the truth . " " I 've been seeing him for about four months now . You never noticed because you 're never here . I 'm sorry but we 've been married for two years now and I 'm just not happy and I don 't think you are either . So just let me go . " She was crying , wondering what I would say next . " Fine . I won 't pay child support or alimony . You 're welcome to leave with what you brought with you . I know you set up a savings account and put money into it . I know you 're surprised that I know but then you saved over sixty thousand dollars in less than two years . The bank has to report that kind of money and since you 're my wife , they checked with me . You ought to have known better , working there . " " I wanted a father for my daughter . I wanted her to have a real life and nice things but you weren 't a good father . You hardly ever even played with her . It was always business with you . " " You 're right about that . She is a good little girl and , believe it or not , I will miss her . I know I never treated her like a father but I never treated her badly either . Maybe her real father will do a much better job . None of this is her fault . She 's only six and deserves a good life . " That was the end of my marriage and she moved out the following week . She moved out west with her boyfriend and daughter . They were going to get married when our divorce was final . I checked with the bank and she didn 't touch her daughter 's educational account . Each year I added five thousand dollars to it so Carrie would get a good education and start in life when she turned eighteen . Marriage number two came when I was thirty - two . I met Trish while putting new equipment in an insurance office . She was twenty - four and a very nice looking gal . I asked her out and she accepted . We dated for about a year and decided to get hitched . Within the next couple of months she got pregnant and eventually Darren , our son , was born . I didn 't want to make the same mistake I made in my first marriage so I sold my business to all my partners . I kept a major portion of the stock and all royalty rights to the products I had invented . I was asked by the local college to be a professor at the college , teaching computer science and technology . It started out pretty good . I figured I would have more time at home with my wife and son and wouldn 't have to worry about the late night calls . My wife left the insurance company and got a job at my old business . She was a secretary for the senior partners . Of course , I stopped in once in awhile to say hello to everyone but again I had a full plate . I taught school and went back to school myself . I decided to get degrees in the technological teaching industry . In simple words I was working toward a Doctorate degree in computers . School for me was simple . In the computer field I actually knew more than my teachers ; after all I was a teacher also . I was able to test out of most every class and it moved my degree process right along . I spent any available time with my son . He was my pride and joy . Since I always had tickets to all the sporting events , I made sure to take him to all I could . We were pretty good buddies . We attended all the events we could after he turned five . My wife on the other hand didn 't like sports and didn 't care to go with us . Trish was the business woman . She was more interested in money and power than she was in our family get - together 's . During one of our many arguments she told me she married me for the powerful person I was . " It comes with the territory . You are well respected and known for your computer abilities . Now you 're just a teacher . Teaching wannabe computer geeks . " " You mean party and rub shoulders with the big boys ? We 're not the center of attention anymore . Trish , that 's not me anymore . I 'm a teacher , a professor of computers . I 'm going to get my Doctorate soon . You will be able to call me doctor . " I tried to smile but she wasn 't smiling back . " I want out , Harley , out of this marriage . The only problem is our son . We both love him and we have to do what 's best for him . " Well , marriage number two had ended . Only this time there was a cost to it . I paid a large amount of child support even though we had joint custody . I didn 't care ; money wasn 't a big issue with me , but Darren was . I made sure he got the best life a boy could have . He and I continually went to sporting events together . I saw him regularly . I attended all his school functions . It was a few years later that Trish got remarried to the president of the company . He was an old friend but we didn 't communicate much now . I don 't know if she had any affairs while we were married or not ; doesn 't make a lot of difference now anyway . Life for me was pretty good . I received my doctorate in computer programming and networking . I was now Doctor Harley Davidson . Yeah , you read it right ; my parents had a sense of humor . I 'm the one who had to live with it . The students either called me Dr . Harley or Dr . Davidson , I really didn 't mind either . Of course many called me Professor . I really enjoyed my work . I taught college and started doing more repairs and programming on the side to help pass the time . Also the money was pretty good , setting up new accounts for computer purposes was rather expensive and I was known as the best around . Even my old partner and wife 's new hubby called me a few times for set - up and repair information . I knew it had to kill them to come to me for help and I always charged them about double the going rate . I guess it was kind of a professional revenge . My son was an honor student in high school and in college . He earned scholarships from many different universities . He decided not to attend the one I was a professor at because he was taking computer science and technology . I would have been his professor and neither of us thought it would be a good idea . He did ask me if I would help him with his homework and it made me laugh . When he received his Bachelor 's Degree his stepfather hired him instantly . I was really proud of my son . He was a real chip ( computer chip ) off the old block . Then tragedy struck . I got a call from Trish saying that Darren was in a auto accident . I rushed to the hospital and held his hand while he took his last breath . I cried so hard that I was emotionally drained . He was the only person it my life that really counted and now he was gone . I took the next two weeks off from school just to grieve for my son . After I divorced the second time , I let Trish have the condo and I moved back in with Mom and Dad . They were getting up in age and I was there to take care of them . Darren 's death was really hard on them too . After all , he was their only grandchild that lived close . My sister had two kids but she lived more than five hundred miles away . Mom and Dad never got to know their kids the way they knew Darren . It was probably the darkest point in our lives . No one should have to bury their child or grandchild . It just wasn 't right . Life for me wasn 't as happy after the death of my son . I spent time taking care of my parents and teaching at college . I did a lot fewer computer set - ups . My heart wasn 't totally in it . Two years after the death of my son , I lost my father to a heart attack ; within six months I lost my mother also . They said it was a heart condition but I know it was from a broken heart . My mom and dad lived most of their life together . They had what I always considered the perfect marriage . One could start a sentence and the other could finish it . In a really close marriage like they had , it seems that one spouse always dies within a year of the other . My sister came home for a week for each funeral . Her husband and children , who had families of their own , came also . I had to think how much Mom and Dad would have loved to have seen the kids more often . Again I guess it 's the priorities we all have in our lives . We could argue all day what 's most important . I can honestly say , my son was first , then my parents . Everything else in life comes after them . Now they were all gone . I need to drop back a few years and explain my sex life or the lack of it . After two divorces , dating wasn 't a priority with me . I did date for companionship but not necessarily sex . Now I 'm not an idiot and yes , I did sleep with some of my dates . I have to tell you up front that I told them I wasn 't interested in a long term relationship . Two failed marriages did me in . It 's funny how so many of the women I dated felt the same way . It 's nice to go out , enjoy oneself and not be worried what happens when you take the date home . Now with that explained I have to tell you my secret to my sex life . I went to a house of ill repute , whorehouse , or whatever else you might want to call it . I 've been going there for years . Let me go back to when it all started . I taught computers at the University . I don 't think I have to tell anyone what some of these young girls , and even older women looked and dressed like . Everyday it was mini - skirts , or hip hugger jeans that damn near showed their pelvic region . T - shirts with no - bra 's , shorts with no - panties , you could see up the oversized leg holes . This list can go on and on ; anyway seeing this everyday can get to a guy once in awhile . I 'll admit even though sex wasn 't a priority in my life , every now and then I did get turned on . Now I 'm a teacher , a professor , and needed to have control of my class as well as myself . One thing I had always promised myself was that I would never bed down one of my students . It would be totally wrong as well as putting my profession in jeopardy . So around once a month I went to see my friend Stella . She was a Madam of her own place . We met when I got a call one day and asked if I could put in a computer system . She said it was a private business and she was willing to pay me for services as long as I kept quiet about her business . Of course I was intrigued about this and made an appointment to see her . When I got to her place , which was a house or more like an old brick mansion with dozens of rooms , on the front porch was a neatly dressed man . He was huge , maybe 6 ft . 6 tall and weighed maybe 325 pounds . He was sitting on the porch talking to two very nice looking women . He asked me who I was and what I wanted . After telling him , he escorted me into Stella 's office . " I 'm Stella Stevens , proprietor of this business . I 'll tell you up front that it is basically a whorehouse even though we don 't use that term here . We prefer names like Pleasure Palace , or Relaxation Therapy Center . " " I see . So some of the girls that work here are my students or at least know of my abilities . Well , Stella , let 's get down to business . I can put you in a computer system that will literally do anything you want it to . Accounts Payable , Receivables , billing , taxes . I noticed you have an attached adult store . I can run your sales and inventory through it using a separate header so your customers can get receipts and use your business as a tax deduction . We can do it all above board and you will be within the law in this state , " " You tell me . You will need at least four computers at about a thousand each including the printers . I can write the programs specifically for you for three thousand dollars and another two thousand to install it all . I can have it done in about two weeks . I could do it sooner but I have classes to teach . So , talk it over with whomever you need and you can get back to me . " " I make all decisions here and you 're hired . When can you start ? I prefer you don 't work on the Friday or Saturday ; they 're rather hectic days and nights here . " I 'll start next Monday after my last class . I 'll only be here a couple of hours to see how we 'll set it up . Then it will be the following Monday when I start putting in the equipment . I should have it installed by Tuesday night . " " The rest of the week is to teach you how to operate the programs . We will do a few test runs and see how it goes . It 's part of the cost of installation . " After completing the installations I called Stella about once a week to see if she was having any problems . I did mention that she could get hold of me at any time . About two months later I had a really rough day at class . I saw a lot of tits and ass and it kind of got to me . I went over to see Stella . " Hi , Harley . I never called so why are you here ? " I hadn 't mentioned anything to her about my sex life or that I might be interested in being a customer . She explained to me about all the services she provided . I mean there was everything from talking , to light bondage . She handed me a price list that she had printed off on her computer . It almost looked like a menu from the corner restaurant . She smiled at me knowing I was impressed with her quick learning of the programs that I had showed her . " Stella , I have a big problem here . I cannot and will not have sex with any of my students . I notice that you have quite a few girls . Can you let me know which ones don 't attend our university ? " " No problem , Here is a book on our ladies that are not students , at least not at your university . There are also a lot of women who do special things for customers . Where do your needs and wants lie at the present time ? " " Stella , this is hard for me . I 've never done anything like this before . I am really worried about my privacy . Just straight sex is all I 'm interested in for the time being . " " Believe me , Harley ; your secrets are safe here . We have customers from all walks of life . Because of our weight room and pool facilities , no one could ever prove why you were here . May I suggest one of my older girls for your first time here ? Let her give you a massage and anything else you require . " She rang for a woman named Siren . Most of the girls - or women - used an alias to keep their private lives private . A beautiful dark haired woman came in . She was lucky if she was thirty . Built like a brick shit house . I looked over at Stella . " When I said old , I meant she has been here for a few years , not her age . I 'm sure you will be happy with her services . Siren , this is a good friend of mine . Just call him Doc . " I had to laugh . I guess I had an alias too . The massage was great . Siren was definitely a professional . When she was done rubbing my body , she asked me over to the bed where she took off the bikini she was wearing . She asked me what position I preferred and laid down on the bed with me . She told me that condoms were required for oral , anal , and of course insertion into her vagina . She really put me at ease as she lay across my stomach and then sat up and inserted my hard cock into her . It didn 't take me long to cum . I was thinking about my students and all that I had seen recently . " Would you like to become a member ? The cost is a thousand dollars a year and all sessions are reduced by twenty five percent . It 's quite a saving if you come fairly regularly . " " Well , for you , a hundred and fifty dollars should cover it . We 'll call it a first time special price . I also want to thank you again for such a professional program . My business is up thirty percent since I give receipts . There must be a lot of businesses paying for some of these customers . " That was my first time at Stella 's . I go maybe every two or three months . I 've been going for nearly four years now . She has a lot of girls working for her . There are always new ones that replace the ones that leave . I 've never had the same one more than three times . These girls are good and it would become easy to get attached to them . The day I lost my son I headed for Stella 's place . She knew there was a problem as I entered her office . I broke down and cried as I told her about my loss . She took me into her private living room off of her office and asked not to be disturbed . She made us a glass of tea and honey . She sat down next to me , held my hand and just listened to me talk about all the good times with my son . That was what I needed that day . I must have been there for over an hour . When I realized it , I apologized to Stella for taking up her time . " Harley , you 're not just a customer , you 're a friend . Anytime you need someone to talk to feel free to come by . I 'm so sorry to hear the sad news . At least you have those wonderful memories to cherish . " " Harley , Harley , Harley , that 's for the customers that want to come in and just want to talk sex with the girls . Not for old friends who need someone to talk to . " She leaned over and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek as I got up and left . After I started back to school after my short leave of absence , all the students gave me their sympathies . Stella was right ; I had my memories . I started spending more time taking care of my mom and dad . After their passing away , I was thinking of retiring from the college . I needed to give it some heavy thought since it was basically all I had left other than doing repair jobs for a few friends . I was now alone , not completely alone . Let me try and explain ; when you lose those close to you it 's a very lonely feeling . I have friends , good friends , who stand by me and I can visit or see regularly . I miss the loving people around me : my son , mom and dad . As I mentioned earlier , my sister , whom I love , is a long distance away . We talked regularly but on the phone was different . One day I headed over to Stella 's . I wasn 't a sex nut but just wanted a little companionship . As I walked in , I saw a new girl , or lady as it was . She was beautiful ; I don 't know any other way to describe her . Maybe thirtyish , nicely built and of a darker complexion . She wasn 't black or even Porto Rican . She was probably of mixed races . I asked Stella about her and was told she was new and went by the name of Angel . I asked for her and Stella smiled . " I 'm just glad to see you 're alright with all you 've been through . I know your family meant a lot to you . " As we headed up to her room I couldn 't help notice what a nice ass Angel had . Just the sight of her did something to me . Here I was a man nearing sixty with a woman that was nearly half my age . I didn 't tell her that I knew the rules and help write them when we loaded them into the computer . I guess she was just trying to let me down easily . According to the rules , the girls could talk about anything they wanted . It was always a good idea not to talk about themselves but it wasn 't forbidden to do so . There have been a number of ladies who worked for Stella that actually married one of their customers . As they say , " You can find love in some of the strangest places . " Stella didn 't promote such actions but she knew it happens at times . The real problems occurred when the customer fell in love with the girl or vice versa . That 's when Ralph , the door man , and Stella had to step in . Johns - or the clients - fell for some of the girls quite often . Usually the problems could be resolved but the clients weren 't allowed to be with the girl again . " Angel , I recently lost my parents and I lost my son a few years ago . Would it be a problem for us to just cuddle and you rest in my arms . Maybe we 'll have sex , maybe not . " I know it was an odd request but Angel agreed to it . She lay on the bed in her bra and panties and I kept my jockeys on . We laid on the bed with her back to me and I just pressed up against her and put my arm around her . She felt so warm and soft . I gently ran my hand over the top of her breasts and then lowered it to her mid - section and just rubbed her warm skin . I felt her shudder lightly as I rubbed her belly . She smelled so good and felt so soft . I felt her push her butt back against my hardening cock . I started to talk to her softly . " It 's okay , Angel , you shouldn 't kiss clients on the lips . I know that . First off , you aren 't kissing me , I 'm kissing you , and second I promise not to kiss your lips without your permission . " After saying that , I continued to kiss her neck and shoulders . I slid my hand inside her panties and found a very moist Angel . This was unusual for the girls to be this wet . They kept KY Jelly in the drawer to help with insertion . Most men just wanted to get their rocks off and the girls usually went along for the ride , usually faking an orgasm for the client . " Angel , will you hand me a condom ? I have to have you ; I 've never wanted a woman more . " The problem was that I meant it . Maybe it was that I no longer had anyone close , I don 't know . All I knew is I wanted Angel . I sat up and she put the condom on me and slipped off her panties . I put my hand on her mound and slid two fingers into her . She was wet with her juices . She even looked a little scared as I put my cock between her moist pussy lips . Very slowly I pushed into her , watching her facial expression . Little by little I pushed my cock into her till my balls hit her ass . She let out a little squeal as I held my cock deep within her . Then ever so slowly I started an in and out motion . I felt her pushing up against me . She wasn 't faking , she was biting her bottom lips and I watched her close her eyes . I felt the lips of her vagina grip tightly around my now pulsating cock . I could feel her starting to have an orgasm . As her muscles squeezed my cock I let go with a load that I know filled the condom . I got off of her and used the bathroom facilities and disposed of the condom and wiped myself off . I took a clean washrag and dampened it and walked out and wiped off the moisture on Angel 's breasts . She excused herself and used the restroom to finish cleaning up and came back out dressed . I had dressed also while she was cleaning up . She smiled at me as I left . I told Stella that she was the nicest and sweetest of all the girls that I had met . I paid my bill and was on my way . I had a hard time concentrating at school now . For some strange reason , Angel kept coming into my mind . Here I was , darn near sixty years old and thinking about a woman young enough to be my daughter . I can 't ever remember thinking this way about any woman . She was special to me and I didn 't know why . I ended up going back to Stella 's the following week . " To what do we owe the pleasure of your company , Harley ? As long as I 've known you , you 've never been here two weeks in a row ? " Stella replied with a smile . Stella looked at me in a strange way . She knew her customers and her girls well . " Yes , she 's here . Would you like to see her again so soon ? " Stella looked at me with a quizzical look . " Yes , Stella I would . There 's just something special about her . I need to see her again . Stella , can you tell me anything about her , anything at all ? " " Harley , you know the rules better than anyone . I would never divulge anything personal about any of my girls . Even to a good friend like you . " " Of course . Just so you know , she means a lot to me also . I would hate to see her get hurt in anyway , " replied Stella . " Stella , we 've been friends for a few years now . I can read you as well as you can read me . Would you tell me what this is all about ? " " Not usually . The point is to get the client off . If any of the girls have a release , that 's fine , but that 's not what they are here for . Angel told me it was the only time it ever happened to her . " " Okay , I 'll be frank with you . Angel is just someone special to me . I want to be with her again to see if it might have just been a coincidence . The last thing I would ever do is hurt her in any way , you know that , Stella . " Stella had paged Angel and she was coming down the stairs . My God , she looked gorgeous . She smiled when she saw me and took me by the hand and led me back up to her room . As we entered her room I spoke . " Angel , I missed you . I don 't know why but I did . You need to know that in all the years that I have been coming here , it has never happened to me . Granted , all the girls here are wonderful , nice people . But with you , there is something else . " " First off , call me Harley . I 'm not a real doctor ; I hold a doctorate degree in computer science and technology . That 's where the doctor comes from . Can we have conversation tonight ? " " I don 't understand , Harley . Conversation here is sex talk ; do you want me to talk dirty to you ? " She looked at me quizzically . " Okay , maybe when you get to know me better you might change your mind . Can we lay and cuddle like we did last time . You 're just so warm and soft . " " I don 't know . Most men want to have sex and get it over with , but with you it 's as though you want to make love . I 'm sorry , I shouldn 't have said that . " " You 're so warm and cuddly , I could hold you forever . " I felt the moistness begin in her panties . I started fingering her and she was reacting to it . I could feel her taking deep breaths as she pumped her mound up and down against my hand . " I want you to cum for me Angel , that 's what I want . Please pump harder against my hand . " She rolled over on her back and pumped harder . She was making squealing noises and I could feel her spasms . Her juices were coming all over my hand . She pushed me down on the bed and started giving me a hand job . It felt so good , her hand . Even though she grabbed hold of my cock , she gently moved her hand up and down on my cock . When my cock erupted , I shot cum a couple of feet in the air . Angel kept pumping and smiling at me till I was drained . " We made a mess , Harley . Wait here and I 'll get you a damp towel . " She came back and cleaned me up . I left her another fifty dollar tip on the bedside table . We both got dressed and she walked me downstairs . Stella looked at me and I knew what she was thinking . Hell , I was thinking the same thing . " Was I falling for this girl who was half my age ? " I knew nothing about her , not even her real name . |
He told me that he hates her and that she 's ruining his life and that he thinks she 's a dirty whore and that he wants to rid his life of her . . . but I 've heard it all before . He 's a compulsive liar who lies to get what he wants , and she 's just as bad as him . He tried to tell me he rarely talks to her , which I know is a complete lie . Right before leaving for Korea , I had blue hair . I miss my blue hair a lot , and it will probably be blue again at some point in time in the future . I had to dye my hair " normal " to get a job . I look like a mess in this picture because it was my birthday . . . also , I was a lot fatter than I am now . I moved to Korea and got a bad haircut . I then decided that I would attempt to grow out my hair . My bangs look like a baseball cap , and my camera was shitty quality . I finally get a half decent haircut that doesn 't look like a bowl is resting on my head . Thank goodness . And , despite the fact that it 's in the growing out phase , my hair doesn 't look so terrible . So , last night , I dyed it " red . " Red my ass . Thanks for nothing , Korean boxed dye . I 'm all blonde and black and orange . Please excuse the next few photos , I took them today , and I 'm not wearing any make - up . . . nor am I wearing a bra in the last two . . . bahaha . Today , we got snacks at my winter camp . Yup , the education office provided us with wagon wheels ( they call them choco pies here ? ) , oranges , and juice boxes ! It felt like I was in kindergarten , I loved it ! We did drama today , and storytelling . Apparently , I 'm a good storyteller . . . after I finished reading the books to the kids , they all applauded me , one even shouted ENCORE ! It was kind of fun . I then made them read the stories from our textbook in groups , and then had each group come to the front and tell us the story they chose . . . it worked out better than I had imagined it would . I tried my first ever box of Korean hair dye today . I went to E - Mart after camp , and asked the lady a bunch of questions in choppy English , accented with pointing , to try to get her to understand what I was asking . Luckily , I ran into my friend Jeff and his daughter , both of whom can read and speak Korean . So , Jeff 's daughter helped figure out my hair dye . . . haha . It looked really red on the box , so I was hoping that the blonde parts under the black in my hair would turn out red red , and the black would stay black . the black did stay black , but the blonde turned out orange . Also , I apparently have too much hair for just one box of dye now , so there 's blonde in with my orange . Go me . I don 't even want to imagine what the back looks like . Maybe I 'll buy another box tomorrow , and try again . I guess it 's too much to ask for the hair dye here to be anything close to the color on the box . Damn my non - Korean hair ! ! ! ! DAMNNNNN YOUUUUUU ! ! ! ! ! ! Now , for the weather today . I know weather is a really boring topic , but , seriously , we had it all today . This morning , I was awoken fifteen minutes early ( OHHHH CRUEL FATESSS ! ! ! ) by thunder . Yes , thunder . I thought it was a train crash until I realized the sound was coming from the sky . It rained for a bit , and let up before I left for school . Then , it was sunny , and nice , and relatively warm . While teaching , the sky turned ominous black , and we got a huge downpour of rain . It was then sunny but insanely windy for a few hours . I left school and went to E - Mart , and , while I was talking to Will and Jeff and Jeff 's daughter , it started flipping snowing ! Lots and lots and lots of snow , in huge flakes ! They all melted as soon as they hit the ground of course , creating a slushy mess . The snow let up , and it was calm for a few minutes before slush started falling from the sky . . . and now it 's dark and I don 't feel like checking the weather . Seriously , we had everything today . Ridiculous . I managed to get Friday off from school . . . it wasn 't too hard , we didn 't have class . So , I gave everyone in my office my Christmas gifts to them on Thursday - - a box of Ferrero Roche , Belgian chocolate seashells , and a homemade butter tart ( homemade by me ! ) . If you want a fun game , try getting a bunch of Koreans to say Ferrero Roche . . . it made me giggle every . single . time . I 'm a bad person , I know . Speaking of school ( I promise I will get to my weekend at some point in time in the near future ) , one of my sixth graders tried to pick me up . . . and I don 't mean as in , lift me off of the floor . If you recall the tale about the sixth grader who asked me to marry him , it 's the same kid . Except , this time , he offered to give me a private tour of his bedroom , in front of all of his classmates . . . and my co - teacher . This is how it went down : How EXACTLY was I supposed to react to that ? He had been asking me for my home address in Canada for the past three weeks , as well , so that he can come and " spend time " with me in Canada . Awkward . I got up early on Friday to pile in to Annie 's car with Meaghan and Zach and 103049204920 pounds of stuff piled on top of us to drive for two and a half hours to our pension in Muju - - one of the most famous areas in Korea for skiing , apparently . It was in these really beautiful mountains and our cabin was all wood . . . it was spectacular . We even got snow on Christmas night ! Friday night we sat around drinking and talking and playing Scrabble , it was fun times . I also fashioned us a Christmas Tree , as in , I freaked out our ajumma neighbours by staring at them through the blinds waiting for them to go inside - - seriously , who barbeques at 11 : 30 at night - - they didn 't go back inside , so I grabbed a knife from the kitchen , with which to hack down the tree , slapped on my winter jacket , and tried to stealthily sneak across the deck . Cutting the tree was not so easy , but , as it turns out , tree branches break really easily when they 're frozen . . . so , I snapped one off . Here 's our ghetto tree in a wine bottle : Saturday was a lazy day , because Meaghan made a delicious French toast breakfast , Annie made an amazing vegetarian minestrone soup for lunch , and Alex and Annie made a SPECTACULAR Christmas dinner ! We even had turkey ! Alex made it on the barbeque , and I believe we dubbed it a smurkon - - smokey turkey bacon - - because it tasted exactly like bacon . Crazy ! We skyped our families on Saturday morning and then had our secret santa gift exchange , it was so much fun ! I got some great socks with non slippy stickies on the bottom , adorable gloves that are basically stuffed animal ram heads , stickers , a wicked cool skull ring , a hair clip , and a cellphone charm ! It was great ! I also took a bath on Saturday . . . oh , bathtub , how I have missed you . It was a super deep bathtub , too . . . it was soooo luxurious ! After Christmas dinner , we invited the super cute boys that were working at the resort over to our pension to have some desert and hang out . . . AKA , we invited them over to corrupt them . Massive amounts of mulled wine were consumed , and we involved the poor kids in a game of truth or dare Jenga , which , of course , is not so PG . Needless to say , we got them really drunk and everyone ended up changing clothes , fun times . . . haha . After they left , we laid around on the floor and did Chat Roulette . . . luckily , there wasn 't too much weenis going on . We did ask every guy we saw to show us their boobs , however . . . there was plenty of nipple going on . . . on their part . It was a great weekend , even though I ended up with a sinus cold which , coupled with the altitude changes , resulted in me going deaf in my right ear . But ! If I tilt my head to the side for a couple of minutes , I regain my hearing ! 3 . I can 't eat spicy food . . . ever . I 'm prone to stomach ulcerations because I 'm a high stress person , and spicy food will pretty much kill me . Also , I have a low spice tolerance . 4 . I take random bus rides for fun . I love to hop on random buses just to see where they go , and so I can see new scenery . The police arrested him at work . They sent me home that day , so that I didn 't have to be there when it happened . Apparently , he sat in the back of the car and cried , and told them that he had learned his lesson . They didn 't take him to the station , they supposedly told him that he seemed like a good kid , and let him go back to work . By New Years , he was already trying to mend things with me , despite the fact that he was legally not allowed to have contact with me . He claimed that he didn 't care , that he just wanted to be with me , to be able to have me in his life . I was resistant . I didn 't trust him . . . he was relentless in his efforts , in his stalking , pretty much . Each time I took him back , I felt more and more stupid . I KNEW he was never going to stop his affairs with the other girls . As long as he had access to technology , he had a way to screw around on me . He had secret e - mail addresses that he used for his constant whore , H , and for the others . He had secret MySpace accounts , dating site accounts , Facebook accounts , Nexopia accounts . . . the list goes on . Not to mention his best friend , his cellphone . No girl was able to have a two minute conversation with him without him asking her for her number . . . no girl was able to accidentally send a text to his cellphone without him hitting on them . He made plans with me one night , and I went to pick him up from work . It was January in Edmonton , AKA colder than anything in the entire world . I don 't drive , so I took the bus , and I stood outside of his work for half an hour waiting for him . Everyone else was filing out , they had been let out early . . . but not R . He was nowhere to be found . I later found out that he had been twenty minutes late getting out after everyone else because he had been hiding somewhere in the bathroom or the break room finishing up having phone sex with his ex - internet - girlfriend . He left me outside in - 30 Celsius weather , waiting for half an hour , because he was busy having phone sex . . . AT WORK . He convinced a sixteen year old girl that he loved her , and convinced her to move from wherever she lived in Ontario , to Edmonton for him . I caught them on our two year anniversary , she was doing quizzes as notes and tagging R in them , because all of her answers were about how in love they were . I caught them shortly before she was going to move . People never knew about me . He always claimed he talked about me all of the time , and told people how much he loved me . . . but they were always so surprised when R finally let me come out to stuff , and they found out he had a girlfriend , let alone a girlfriend of over two years . He was always telling me that I wasn 't allowed to come , because no one else brought their girlfriends or boyfriends , which was an obvious lie . . . and I found out it was a lie when everyone asked me why I never came out , because everyone else knew all of the other girlfriends and boyfriends so well . He kept me a secret , like he was ashamed of me . . . but , really , it made it easier to be a disgusting pig if no one knew he had a girlfriend . He was free to mess around with whomever he wanted , because no one ever knew that someone was already entirely dedicated to him and in love with him . I didn 't matter , I wasn 't important . . . I was only there when he had an itch that needed to be scratched . One of his school friends had a birthday party that he was so excited to go to , and I asked if I could come . He informed me that I would be allowed to come , but as soon as people started showing up , I had to leave . He paid me to leave , told me not to come back . I came back later in the night , and he was entirely pissed , in two ways . He was so drunk that he couldn 't stand without being supported , and he was mad at me for coming back . He spent the night with his head between two girls who were trying to have a conversation , and seemed incredibly annoyed by his presence , and when I told him that he should leave , that I was worried about him because of how much he had drank , he slammed me into a wall . I got a call an hour and a half later , while I was in bed , from him crying because he was supposedly lost , and had no cab money because he spent it all on booze . I asked him where he was , and , of course , he wasn 't lost at all , he had walked almost all the way to my house . He then started yelling about how he would rather sleep in the river valley like a homeless person instead of sleep in the same house as me , how he hated me , and didn 't want to see me . . . yet he was still walking towards my house . Then he pretended to get hit by a car , and hung up the phone . I left the house in my pajamas , incredibly pissed off , to find him lying on the front lawn of a frat house , too drunk to even stand up . He ruined my twenty - second birthday . He spent most of the night sulking and refusing to interact with the people that I invited . He embarrassed me in front of my friends . My guy friends wanted to beat the shit out of him , because he was shoving me around and dragging me around by my wrist , demanding that I talk to him , trying to separate me from my friends . They made him leave the bar we were at , and he went to my sister 's house , got in his car , and drove back to the bar , drunk . He demanded that I drive home with him . I refused , and my guy friends made him leave . He called me a thousand times and sent me a million text messages . He did it all night and all morning . My friends took my phone away and turned it off . He tried to even isolate me from our mutual friends . We had mutual friends from work , but , I decided to transfer stores , because it was getting to be to much to have to deal with R at work every time we broke up . He would watch me , but then treat me like a miserable piece of shit whenever we had contact . Once I got my transfer , he began to feed me lies about how our mutual friends were supposedly talking shit about me , saying terrible things . I was incredibly hurt . I tried to talk to them about it , but he freaked out on me , got insanely pissed off , threatened me , called me stupid . . . and then kept feeding me the lies . He convinced me through deliberate brainwashing that they were backstabbers . I didn 't want people like that in my life , and he seemed so compassionate and concerned about it when he told me about it , so I began to distance myself from them . If he was so concerned and so caring about it , why would I have any reason to think he was lying , right ? I kept trying to leave him . I knew he wasn 't any good for me . . . but every time I tried , he would start freaking out , he would cause a scene , he would threaten to kill himself , he would threaten to kill me . I couldn 't live with that . I was such an emotional wreck and such a broken person , that I took him back every time , I wanted to believe the bullshit and lies that he was telling me , I wanted to believe that he wanted to make those changes , that he wanted to be the person he told me he wanted to be for me . I was also so incredibly afraid of being alone , of dying alone , like he told me I would . He was so terrifying when we were apart . He would call me the most horrible things , say the most terrible things to me , and he was so frighteningly cold . His voice was bone chilling , and his laugh was so cold and malicious , it was truly terrifying . He had the same tone and the same laugh that you hear in horror movies , when the psycho killer is stalking his prey , and he calls them on the phone or leaves them a message . He would make up lies about me . Before I called the police on him , I went to his parents for help . . . after I left , he went downstairs and told them that I was a drug addict and a liar to get out of getting in trouble for the things he had done to me . He was so selfish , he never gave me anything or did anything for me without expecting something in return . No matter how often I bought him stuff " just because " or did nice things for him . . . I always " owed " him something , he was always finding ways for me to pay him back , or asking me to pay him back . He broke up with me before gift giving holidays and birthdays so that he wouldn 't have to buy me anything , but , on the rare occasion that we were still together , he would do something incredibly selfish , like buy a CD that he wanted , burn it onto his computer , and give me the used CD as a gift . I always put so much thought and effort and money into everything I did for him , and he was giving me used CDs that he bought for himself in the first place . It 's never about the expense of a gift , it 's the thought that really matters , and he never put any thought into anything , he never cared enough to put thought into his " gifts " for me . . . only when he was trying to make up for some of his doucehbaggery . Shortly before I left for Korea , the new art gallery opened in Edmonton . I had wanted to go so badly , so R agreed to take me . We were having a completely normal day , so I don 't know why he did it , but he decided to outright insult me when we were buying the parking pass . Offended , I decided to walk to the gallery ahead of him , and stand in line and wait for him . Shortly after I got into the building , he came stomping in , screaming my name , yelling things at me , grabbed me by the arm , and dragged me out of the gallery . He started forcing me back to the car , but he was blocking my way as we went along and screaming at me and flailing his arms around while I cried , in the middle of downtown , on a weekend , on a sidewalk with a steady stream of people walking by . The fact that I wouldn 't go back just pissed him off even more . He threw the car into drive , and started flying around the parking lot at high speeds - - it was the middle of winter , the parking lot was full of slush , new blizzard snow , and there was a solid sheet of ice under all of it . He then took his reckless driving to the streets , swerving in and out of traffic , screaming at me about what a bitch I was and how he was going to kill us . He then went back to the parking lot and demanded once again that I go back to the gallery . I tried to get out of the car , he threw the car into reverse so that he hit me with the door , and then got out of the car , and made me get back inside . He physically prevented me from leaving him , from trying to get away from him . And that 's what the entire relationship had felt like , I was physically , mentally , and emotionally restrained , with no way to escape . When I made the decision to move to Korea to teach for a year , he seemed okay with it . He told me that a year wasn 't long , that we would make it through and be stronger than ever . He told me that when I got back , that we would start our lives together . He would tell me all about how when I came back , that we would move to Calgary together , and start over , and he would get rid of the people in his life that were causing problems , how , once we lived together , he would never cheat again , how he would get rid of everyone . . . but why did it have to take us living together ? If that 's what he wanted , why couldn 't he stop cheating and get rid of the bad people right then and there ? Why was he allowed to be disgusting for a year before I came back ? He was so convincing about how amazing everything would be , and then , as soon as I left , he gave up all effort to keep in contact . I knew he was spending all of his time on the internet , because that 's what he does , so why couldn 't he make the effort to respond to my emails ? To come online to talk to me ? It was really confusing . So , we broke up . It was like we weren 't dating , anyways . After a few months of fighting , we " worked it out " and got back together , and everything seemed good . We talked almost every day , we seemed happy for the most part , and then I found out about H . That he was cheating on me with her , how he had been having a secret affair with her for almost two and a half years of our three year relationship , how he had invested more effort into a relationship with her while I was gone than he did with me , how he talked to her every day , but he couldn 't bother to answer my e - mails , how , when we were on skype , he was on msn with her , having cyber sex , and , just like every other time , he lied to me about all of it . Lied to me about how they kept in contact , what they did , told me everything she said was a lie , and then made all of the huge promises to me about how he would change for me , again . And , like an idiot , I took his word for it . He promised he would stop talking to her and remove her from his life . He never did . We ended up breaking up in July , five days before our three year anniversary . Essentially , I demanded more respect from him after he had a particularly vicious blowout at me because I had asked him to have the courtesy to tell me he might be late when he made plans that intersected with the plans we already had . Essentially he told me that my feelings were wrong and selfish , that I didn 't deserve courtesy , that I didn 't deserve respect . And that was the way he treated me for the entire time we were together , like someone who didn 't deserve courtesy and respect . I put all of my effort and love into my relationship with him , and I was always an afterthought . His infatuation with every other girl in the world took over as soon as I was out of sight out of mind . In terms of me calling the police on him , the case ( he was charged with uttering threats ) was in and out of court for over a year , and when it finally settled , right before I left for Korea , he got 15 months probation , 50 hours of community service , and he had to take a course on spousal abuse . When I first called the police , when him and I were broken up , the police encouraged me to get an emergency restraining order . I spent the day in the courthouse , had to write out everything he had done , and stand in front of a judge and present my case to him . He look HORRIFIED when he read and heard what R had done to me , and he granted me the restraining order . I never issued it , though . R had weaseled his way back in before I could . I should have issued it . After R and I broke up , I sent him an e - mail to see how he was doing . He was always particularly depressive , so I was actually worried about him , though , really , he didn 't care about me , so why should I care about him . The only thing he said to me was that he had tried to go to Seattle over the summer , and , that , upon trying to enter the US , he had been detained by the Department of Homeland Security . . . and that it was my fault . I informed him that the reasons he was on probation and detained for were entirely his fault , that I didn 't make him treat me the way that he did , that he made those decisions , and that he was the reason he was detained . It was one of the first times I really actually stood up to him . All of this still plays with my head . I know it took moving to a foreign country to get away from him , and I know it 's good that I did , but , at the same time , I feel like an entire piece of myself is missing . Like , by losing him , I 've lost everything that was supposed to happen in my life . That , because he said he wanted to marry me and have a family with me , that I won 't get that opportunity with anyone else . That he was right when he told me that I will die alone , lonely , with no family , because he was doing me a favour by being with me , because no one else will ever want me . Because no one wants someone this damaged . He broke me so that he 'll get what he wants , for me to be alone for the rest of my life , for me to not have the marriage and the family and the life that I want . Because , right now , I feel exactly like how he wants me to feel . . . worthless . Because the girl who calls him racial slurs , and who cheated on him , and who lives in Michigan while he lives in Alberta , who claims she doesn 't care about him is worth more to him than the girl who did everything in her power to make him happy , who invested all of her love into him , who cared more about him than anyone else ever will . Fair warning , this is a really long post . . . like , really long . And , I don 't expect many of you to actually read it . . . basically , I 'm going to use my blog as a personal therapy session . I 've split it into two parts , because it 's actually THAT LONG . . . and my pointer has been hovering for a long time over " Publish Post . " We were friends for four years before we started dating . We met on the internet , on the message boards for the Canadian television channel Much Music . We met through some ridiculous stream of messages , and he messaged me and asked me for my msn ( oh , msn , ahaha ) , and we were inseparable from the first time we started talking . We would go online each night and talk for hours and hours and hours . . . often , well into the morning . He saw me through some hard times , another rough relationship with a guy who was no good for me , a lot of drama , a lot of pain . In my mind , he was always there for me . He was the biggest constant in my life . We were supposed to meet before an AFI concert . I was going to lend him $ 20 so that he could go , and we would hang out together . We never found each other in the mall , each time I looked for him , he was looking down , he claimed . He later confided in me that he was supposedly going to ask me out that day , but that after the disappointment of us not meeting , he settled and asked out H instead . H was good four years younger than R , and he was eighteen . That should have told me something in the first place . . . He told me horror stories about how poorly she treated him , how she would get mad and call him a " Dirty Mexican , " how when they broke up , she had cheated on him with two guys in the same night , one of which supposedly called R with H 's cellphone to tell him that H was blowing him as they talked . R asked me out through a text message , while he was visiting family in El Salvador . He didn 't so much as ask me out , as he asked me why we hadn 't " hooked up " yet . His exact words . " Why haven 't we hooked up yet ? " We got his meaning straightened out , and I said yes . I was ecstatic . About two days later , he told me he loved me . I was terrified . It was too soon , I didn 't know what to say . He got REALLY mad at me and told me that if I was hesitating to say it , that obviously I didn 't feel the same way , and that he had made a mistake . He guilted me into telling him that I loved him right then and there , after text message arguing with me for an entire day . At the time , our first year seemed amazing , our relationship seemed like everything I ever wanted . One of my friends from high school got married , and I took R to the wedding with me as my date . . . at one point in time he leaned over to me and said " Next year , this will be us . " He was always telling me about how he wanted to get married and have a family with me . My nickname for him was muffin , and his for me was cupcake . . . he used to call our potential family our " little bakery . " It wasn 't as amazing as I gave it credit for . He was possessive , he used to get upset when I had stuff to do , like homework , and couldn 't spend as much time as he wanted with him . That was how he set up the relationship , he made me dependent on him being around all of the time . He would get pissed off when I would go out with friends . I went out one night with a girl from class and her friend , and he got so incredibly pissed off at me , he called me a slut and a whore and told me I was just like his slut of an ex - girlfriend , H . That I was good for nothing , he threatened to leave me , he demanded to know where I was going , he told me he was going to follow me around all night , he sent me a thousand messages in the span of a few hours . . . because I was going out to the bar with a few girl friends . He slowly got me to phase out my friends , every time they asked me if I wanted to join them , I always said no , because I knew I woudn 't be allowed to , I knew he would call me a whore and throw a fit . He even made me feel bad for the times I stayed in and had a few drinks in my own house with my own sister . I wasn 't allowed to do anything unless he was there . And then , when I invited him to go the bar with my friends and I , he spent the night clinging on to me . . . literally . I wasn 't allowed to even go to the bathroom without him waiting outside . Yet , he would spend all of his time on his phone , texting and calling other girls . He was so possessive of that phone , he would get so upset if I went anywhere near it , but he would ALWAYS look through my phone . He would just grab it and look at all of my messages . I never cared , I had nothing to hide . . . but it bothered me that he would get viciously angry if I went anywhere near his phone . It would scare me when he got upset about things , he had a temper he would never admit to . He smashed glasses when he was mad at me . . . when his phone seemed to quit working , he smashed it on my desk in a fit of rage until it was entirely broken . He did this to two phones . He would scream and turn so red . . . but I let it all slide because I was in love , and it didn 't seem that bad . . . the good times were far more common than the bad . His mom would talk about how R and I were going to get married , and she used to introduce me to people as her daughter . Shit started to hit the fan when R started college . He had taken some time off after high school , and then decided he wanted t go to NAIT for the radio program there . So , I helped R with all of the applying to college stuff , applying for loans stuff , sat through him whining about how hard it was do all of this , blah blah blah . . . he finally got accepted and started school . That September , everything changed . Suddenly , after demanding that I spend all my time with him , he was pushing me away . He wouldn 't answer my texts , he wouldn 't answer my calls , he always told me he was too busy for me , when he did make time for me , he made me feel bad about it . He made me feel like crap for having night classes , he told me that that was the reason we could never see each other - - I ended up dropping a life drawing night class that I had wanted to take since the semester before , to make him happy . He made me feel like shit , all of the time , he made me cry every time he saw me . . . and half a month earlier he had been telling me that we would be married by next year . We were in the mall one day , and this chick from R 's class was up ahead , he started screaming her name , and waving like a mad man , he shoved me away from him ( he had been walking with me by his side , with his arm around me , cuddling with me and giving me kisses before seeing her ) , and ran twenty feet ahead of me . He didn 't introduce me to her , he pretended I wasn 't there . And he got pissed at me for introducing myself to her . He started drinking , a lot . All the time , he was always going out , telling me I wasn 't allowed to come ; he would get entirely trashed and then sleep at other people 's houses , he would get mad when I would text him when he was out . He was constantly drinking , despite telling me that he had wanted to stop being friends with me because I drank with my friends . Suddenly , he was throwing away everything he told me he believed in for these new people . I decided that it was time to end things . He wouldn 't answer my calls or see me in person , opting instead to call me a worthless bitch and tell me to leave him alone , so I had no choice but to e - mail him this huge letter to tell him it was over . I had taken an entire month of him treating me like garbage and making me cry , I had had enough . He e - mailed me back ( yes , e - mailed , didn 't even bother to call me or try to see me in person ) to tell me that he realized what a huge mistake he was making , how he couldn 't lose me , blah blah blah . . . that I was his soul mate . He begged me for a second chance . So I have him his first of 1019495902830 second chances . Things seemed okay . He was suddenly able to spend time with me ( oh , surprise , he actually had spare time ? ) , he was being nice to me , he was attentive . And he kept hinting that my birthday , which was fast approaching , was going to be big . It was , he bought me my dream guitar . . . and he also bought me a ring . It was a simple opal set in gold , and he told me that he didn 't believe in promise rings , so I could basically consider it an engagement ring . . . then he suggested that I should buy him a ring ( seriously , he told me to buy him a ring ) . Which I did . I went out and spent almost $ 200 on a ring for him , despite the fact that the ring he bought me was $ 30 , at most . Not only that , but on the day I was buying it for him , it was taking a little longer than I expected , and we were supposed to meet in the mall . He started calling my phone over and over again , sending me a million text messages , entirely pissed that I was late for meeting up with him . . . the one time I was EVER late . He was red in the face and pissed as hell when I FINALLY met up with him , fifteen minutes after I told him I would meet him . I had sent him a bunch of texts beforehand , telling him that I would be a bit late but I was hurrying . Anyways , that weekend I was having my birthday party . . . he spent the entire time texting someone on his phone . Every time I looked at him , he was texting someone . So , I confronted him about it the next morning , as he was STILL texting this person , but trying to be secretive about it . When I asked him about it , he got entirely pissed off , deleted everything off of his phone , and threw it at me across the room . Obviously , he was doing something inappropriate on his phone . So , here 's where I admit that what I did was wrong . I waited until he slept over the next weekend , and , when he was sleeping , I looked through his phone . There was a conversation with one girl , A , where he was telling her that he wished they could be together , how they should break up with the people they were each with , how all he ever wanted to do was kiss her , how he didn 't know how much longer he was going to be with the " chick " he was with right now ( aka , me ) , he also asked her if she had received the pictures he sent her . There were similar conversations with another girl , K ( who ended up being fourteen years old , he was almost 20 ) , and , also , dirty texts from H ( yes , ex H ) . There was a conversation with a girl who had sent a text to the wrong number , where he asked her where she was from , how old she was , asked her if she had msn , told her she sounded hot , and then asked her for pictures of herself . Digging further into his phone , I found the pictures he had been talking about . Pictures of him nude and masturbating , accompanied by videos of him masturbating . I felt sick . He was sending pictures and videos of himself masturbating to other girls , and probably getting similar things in return from them . He had given me a stupid ring , and then had told A that he didn 't know how much longer he was going to be with the " chick " he was with anymore , and begging her to leave her boyfriend for him , he was messing around with H , again ( I found out that he had started things up with her again , apparently mostly over the internet and through text messages , around six months after we had started dating ) , and he was messing around with K , a fourteen year old ( and that had started up around our first Christmas together ) . I got out of bed , walked to the corner of my room by my door , sat down , and started crying . My crying woke R up , and he seemed genuinely concerned , until I told him WHY I was crying . At that point , he became enraged . We got into a huge fight , and that 's when he pinned me to the bed and strangled me . . . ALMOST until I passed out . How kind . Then , upon realizing what he had done , he begged for my forgiveness , and threatened to kill himself if I left him . I was in a state of shock , I had no idea what to do , so , I went to go take a shower . Upon returning , I found him " passed out " on my bed . . . the drama queen had taken three of my Tylenol Migraine Reliefs , and claimed that he was overdosing . The only thing that I could think of was that we had to be at his parents ' house in like an hour and a half . I couldn 't deal with everything that was going on . He would strangle me . Or threaten to kill me . Or threaten me with kitchen knives . Or shove me into things . Or drag me around by my hair . Or swing at me . Or drive recklessly in traffic . He would call me stupid . Call me a bitch . Tell me I was worthless . Tell me I would never mean anything to anyone . Tell me he was doing me a favour by being with me , because no man would ever love me . Tell me I was going to die alone . Tell me he was going to find a new girlfriend and flaunt her in my face to show me how much better she is . Tell me he could do anything to me , because he knew I would let him come crawling back . . . and I did , because he wore down every last ounce of my self worth and self - esteem , until I wasn 't even a person anymore . I was a hollow shell of a person , who only lived to serve his purposes . . . and when I fought back , I was garbage , I was trash , I was a piece of shit , I was a selfish bitch . . . for wanting what everyone else is not only afforded in their relationships , but also afforded as common courtesies in day to day life . In the end , he did always come crawling back , saying the prettiest little lies . Telling me he loved me , telling me it would never happen again , telling me he couldn 't live without me , screaming that he would kill himself if I didn 't take him back . He would stand outside of where I was living , screaming and crying , and he would throw things at my windows , call me a thousand times back to back , send me a million text messages . . . until I talked to him out of embarrassment and frustration . Then he would start making promises . He would promise me that he would cut out all of the bad people from his life , all of his online sluts , all of his ex - girlfriends that he fucked around with , all of the people who were a bad influence on him . He would swear he was going to devote himself to me , and that he was going to stop drinking , because it made him do stupid things . He made so many promises , and told me that I could hold him to all of them , because I was the only person in his life that mattered , I was the only person he cared about . I was his soul mate . Also , I was afraid . I had been told so many times , over and over again by R that I was worthless , and that no one will love me , that I don 't deserve better than him . . . and it got to the point where I believed it . Where I believed it when he told me that if I left him , that I would never be able to have the family that I wanted , that I was going to die alone . He took away every last bit of my self - esteem and self - worth , and it 's still something that I struggle with . For his twentieth birthday , at the end of November , I spent all of my time and money making birthday plans for him , doing what he claimed he wanted to do , put my whole heart into it . And , the night before , he told me he was going to spend the night with his extended family . He took the bus with me to the grocery store , then , instead of going home , he changed clothes in a bus station , and went to the birthday party he planned for himself and didn 't invite me to . He spent the entire night sending me texts , telling me how much fun he was having with his family , while , in reality , he was out getting trashed with a bunch of people who didn 't know I existed . . . while I stayed up the entire night making the preparations for his birthday the next day . He was so hungover the next day , he wouldn 't eat the food I made for him , and he didn 't even care that I bought lingerie for him . All he wanted to do was lay in bed and watch TV , nursing his hangover . I bought him tickets to an Edmonton Oilers game , as well as some cologne , for his birthday . He broke up with me shortly before Christmas , actually , about a week and a half after his birthday , as he always did . . . anniversaries , birthdays , Valentine 's Day , Christmas . . . he would break up with me to get out of buying me a gift . Anyways , the game was set for shortly after Christmas , and we were supposed to go together ; I bought one ticket for myself , and one for him . But , since he broke up with me , he refused to give me my ticket , and he started asking out girls from work to go with him , which I promptly found out about , because we work in the same place . I did the most revenge - y thing I could think of . I called Ticketmaster and reported the tickets stolen . . . and then I took my dad to the game , on the same day R 's mom took me out for coffee and bought me Christmas gifts . I 'm not even kidding . I did , at least , tell R that I had reported the tickets stolen . I called him the morning that I did it . I had been out the night before with some of the girls from work , some of whom he had asked out to go with him , and one of them had given me the idea to call them in stolen . When I called R to tell him , he demanded to know everything I had done the night before , everything that I had said to anyone , and when I refused to tell him , he got incredibly angry and started screaming at me through the phone , telling me he was going to kill me , and that he knew how he was going to do it , he knew how to get into my apartment , and that he knew no one would care . So , my friend Zach , and I came up with the most amazing new Christmas song EVER last night ! He was drunk , I was entirely sober . It was still awesome to me this morning , and he liked it even better sober . . . GO TEAM AWESOME ! P . S . there is a mother effing mosquito in my apartment . Yes , it is December twenty friggen second , and THERE IS A MOSQUITO IN MY APARTMENT ! GO AWAY , YOU VILE BEAST ! Tonight , at school dinner , I ate two things from the list of the ten deadliest foods in the world . One of them , I didn 't even know was dangerous . Yes , that 's right , that means I knowingly ate ONE deadly food . It 's still squirming around on the plate after they cut it up . You 're supposed to chew it really well before swallowing , or it could potentially sucker itself to your throat and kill you . Really , though , it 's just incredibly tough and chewy , and has a weird texture . The hardest part about eating these foods ? The fact that they 're really hard to pick up with chopsticks . You try using two metal sticks to pick up a slimy piece of food that is wriggling around . . . also , resisting the urge to just take the whole plate and poke at the wiggly bits all night . That link also has a description of why the blood clams are so dangerous . Apparently , despite my co - teacher 's inability to translate what we were eating , and my insistently asking her over and over again if it was blood that was all over the plate , and her insistence that it wasn 't . . . it was . Yup . And , I ate it . No one thought I would , and I was actually one of the few who did . . . Probably because I was unaware that the food we were eating was blamed for a hepatitis outbreak in Shanghai , and resultantly made illegal . That 's enough to make me not want to eat it . Oh , and the fact that that wasn 't sauce . . . IT WAS BLOOD . After dinner , the vice principal came around and talked to each table , when she got to our table , she looked at me sadly and said something about " Tara " and " raw fishee . " My co - teacher retorted by saying something about the blood clams , to which the VP looked incredibly shocked , and went to fetch the principal . My co - teacher explained to me that the VP thought I hadn 't eaten anything because I can 't eat raw fish , which my co - teacher refuted by telling her that I did eat dinner and that I even ate a blood clam . Given the increased tensions since the North Korean shelling of Yeonpyeong Island on November 23 , 2010 , it is understandable that Canadian citizens would be concerned regarding the security situation on the Korean Peninsula . However , the Embassy reminds Canadian citizens in the Republic of Korea that military training exercises are routinely conducted throughout South Korea throughout the year , to include civil defense drills normally held eight ( 8 ) times a year . Canadian citizens should stay informed through local media about upcoming military exercises and civil defense drills that sometimes occur at short notice and for which the Embassy will not routinely provide advance notification . The Embassy continues to closely monitor the current situation . Should the security situation change , the Embassy will update this warden message . " It STILL has not been touched . Maybe they 're saving it as a decoration , or , maybe they don 't want to eat it because the foreigner who is going away soon made it for them , and they want to keep it as a keepsake ? I dunno . I didn 't get ANY sleep last night . I am considering purchasing sleeping pills , because this is getting ridiculous . I was just tossing and turning all night because my brain wouldn 't stop thinking about absolutely nothing in particular . Also , I logged into MSN last night ( do not judge meeeeee ) , and noticed that the evil ex , R , tried adding me back onto messenger . Uhhh . . . what the ship ? I sent him an e - mail asking him why , exactly , he was trying to add me onto messenger again . No response . My bet , he wants to have a way to monitor me , see when I 'm online or something . So , a strange little thing happens in my office a few times a week , where sales people come in and try to get the other teachers in my office to get their credit cards or something . I have no idea . They always seem to be hawking credit cards , though . I just like the reactions I get when they walk over to me . As soon as I look up , they usually jump with surprise , or look stunned , and tell me " mianhamnida " ( I 'm sorry ) . The lady today had the BEST REACTION EVER , though ! She went to the few people in the office , had no luck , walked over to me , and when I looked up at her , she squeaked , jumped back , and then started giggling ferociously . Fun times . I love when people aren 't expecting me to be a wayguk ( non - Korean ) . I have all of one class tomorrow . It is going to be a loooong day . But ! I get to take the last class picture that I need . . . I will have class pictures of all 19 of my classes ! Yay ! I even slapped on some fake lashes and wore the shawl thinger that my aunt gave me ! It 's all beads , and amazingly comfy ! I think when I get back to Canada , I 'm going to start wearing red lipstick more in my day to day life . I love it so much . . . it 's just a bit shocking for Korea . I met some new people last night , and mingled with some others that I hadn 't seen in a while . I really love the group of people we have in this city for the most part . . . though , there was a rather scowly gentleman who seemed to start a lot of crap with people last night . I didn 't meet him , nor did I care to . I don 't feel like dealing with the drama of that . Plus , you 're not entirely approachable when you have an angry scowl on your face all night . Today was a lazy day . I called my mom and dad , and had a nice little chat , and I even got to have a skype date with my sister - - who called in the middle of my afternoon nap . I love my family so much , we 've always been so close , they 're the most amazing people that I know , I owe them so much . My mom informed me that she 's not really in the Christmas spirit this year , and she hasn 't even decorated the tree yet ! Usually she 's trying to pull Christmas stuff out more than a month in advance . She told me that she feels guilty that I won 't be there for Christmas this year . I think she might be homesick for me . She 's so sweet . I told her to cheer up and not to worry , because I 'll be around plenty of great people for Christmas this year . I will miss my family , though . It 's my first Christmas away from home ! This year , for Christmas , there 's a group of eight of us heading up to this AMAZING ski resort . There will be drinking , shenanigans , movies , music , and a delicious homestyle Christmas dinner . I am SO EXCITED ! I managed to get Christmas Eve off , so I have a good three day weekend before my three weeks of winter camp . . . thank goodness ! |
He told me that he hates her and that she 's ruining his life and that he thinks she 's a dirty whore and that he wants to rid his life of her . . . but I 've heard it all before . He 's a compulsive liar who lies to get what he wants , and she 's just as bad as him . He tried to tell me he rarely talks to her , which I know is a complete lie . Right before leaving for Korea , I had blue hair . I miss my blue hair a lot , and it will probably be blue again at some point in time in the future . I had to dye my hair " normal " to get a job . I look like a mess in this picture because it was my birthday . . . also , I was a lot fatter than I am now . I moved to Korea and got a bad haircut . I then decided that I would attempt to grow out my hair . My bangs look like a baseball cap , and my camera was shitty quality . I finally get a half decent haircut that doesn 't look like a bowl is resting on my head . Thank goodness . And , despite the fact that it 's in the growing out phase , my hair doesn 't look so terrible . So , last night , I dyed it " red . " Red my ass . Thanks for nothing , Korean boxed dye . I 'm all blonde and black and orange . Please excuse the next few photos , I took them today , and I 'm not wearing any make - up . . . nor am I wearing a bra in the last two . . . bahaha . Today , we got snacks at my winter camp . Yup , the education office provided us with wagon wheels ( they call them choco pies here ? ) , oranges , and juice boxes ! It felt like I was in kindergarten , I loved it ! We did drama today , and storytelling . Apparently , I 'm a good storyteller . . . after I finished reading the books to the kids , they all applauded me , one even shouted ENCORE ! It was kind of fun . I then made them read the stories from our textbook in groups , and then had each group come to the front and tell us the story they chose . . . it worked out better than I had imagined it would . I tried my first ever box of Korean hair dye today . I went to E - Mart after camp , and asked the lady a bunch of questions in choppy English , accented with pointing , to try to get her to understand what I was asking . Luckily , I ran into my friend Jeff and his daughter , both of whom can read and speak Korean . So , Jeff 's daughter helped figure out my hair dye . . . haha . It looked really red on the box , so I was hoping that the blonde parts under the black in my hair would turn out red red , and the black would stay black . the black did stay black , but the blonde turned out orange . Also , I apparently have too much hair for just one box of dye now , so there 's blonde in with my orange . Go me . I don 't even want to imagine what the back looks like . Maybe I 'll buy another box tomorrow , and try again . I guess it 's too much to ask for the hair dye here to be anything close to the color on the box . Damn my non - Korean hair ! ! ! ! DAMNNNNN YOUUUUUU ! ! ! ! ! ! Now , for the weather today . I know weather is a really boring topic , but , seriously , we had it all today . This morning , I was awoken fifteen minutes early ( OHHHH CRUEL FATESSS ! ! ! ) by thunder . Yes , thunder . I thought it was a train crash until I realized the sound was coming from the sky . It rained for a bit , and let up before I left for school . Then , it was sunny , and nice , and relatively warm . While teaching , the sky turned ominous black , and we got a huge downpour of rain . It was then sunny but insanely windy for a few hours . I left school and went to E - Mart , and , while I was talking to Will and Jeff and Jeff 's daughter , it started flipping snowing ! Lots and lots and lots of snow , in huge flakes ! They all melted as soon as they hit the ground of course , creating a slushy mess . The snow let up , and it was calm for a few minutes before slush started falling from the sky . . . and now it 's dark and I don 't feel like checking the weather . Seriously , we had everything today . Ridiculous . I managed to get Friday off from school . . . it wasn 't too hard , we didn 't have class . So , I gave everyone in my office my Christmas gifts to them on Thursday - - a box of Ferrero Roche , Belgian chocolate seashells , and a homemade butter tart ( homemade by me ! ) . If you want a fun game , try getting a bunch of Koreans to say Ferrero Roche . . . it made me giggle every . single . time . I 'm a bad person , I know . Speaking of school ( I promise I will get to my weekend at some point in time in the near future ) , one of my sixth graders tried to pick me up . . . and I don 't mean as in , lift me off of the floor . If you recall the tale about the sixth grader who asked me to marry him , it 's the same kid . Except , this time , he offered to give me a private tour of his bedroom , in front of all of his classmates . . . and my co - teacher . This is how it went down : How EXACTLY was I supposed to react to that ? He had been asking me for my home address in Canada for the past three weeks , as well , so that he can come and " spend time " with me in Canada . Awkward . I got up early on Friday to pile in to Annie 's car with Meaghan and Zach and 103049204920 pounds of stuff piled on top of us to drive for two and a half hours to our pension in Muju - - one of the most famous areas in Korea for skiing , apparently . It was in these really beautiful mountains and our cabin was all wood . . . it was spectacular . We even got snow on Christmas night ! Friday night we sat around drinking and talking and playing Scrabble , it was fun times . I also fashioned us a Christmas Tree , as in , I freaked out our ajumma neighbours by staring at them through the blinds waiting for them to go inside - - seriously , who barbeques at 11 : 30 at night - - they didn 't go back inside , so I grabbed a knife from the kitchen , with which to hack down the tree , slapped on my winter jacket , and tried to stealthily sneak across the deck . Cutting the tree was not so easy , but , as it turns out , tree branches break really easily when they 're frozen . . . so , I snapped one off . Here 's our ghetto tree in a wine bottle : Saturday was a lazy day , because Meaghan made a delicious French toast breakfast , Annie made an amazing vegetarian minestrone soup for lunch , and Alex and Annie made a SPECTACULAR Christmas dinner ! We even had turkey ! Alex made it on the barbeque , and I believe we dubbed it a smurkon - - smokey turkey bacon - - because it tasted exactly like bacon . Crazy ! We skyped our families on Saturday morning and then had our secret santa gift exchange , it was so much fun ! I got some great socks with non slippy stickies on the bottom , adorable gloves that are basically stuffed animal ram heads , stickers , a wicked cool skull ring , a hair clip , and a cellphone charm ! It was great ! I also took a bath on Saturday . . . oh , bathtub , how I have missed you . It was a super deep bathtub , too . . . it was soooo luxurious ! After Christmas dinner , we invited the super cute boys that were working at the resort over to our pension to have some desert and hang out . . . AKA , we invited them over to corrupt them . Massive amounts of mulled wine were consumed , and we involved the poor kids in a game of truth or dare Jenga , which , of course , is not so PG . Needless to say , we got them really drunk and everyone ended up changing clothes , fun times . . . haha . After they left , we laid around on the floor and did Chat Roulette . . . luckily , there wasn 't too much weenis going on . We did ask every guy we saw to show us their boobs , however . . . there was plenty of nipple going on . . . on their part . It was a great weekend , even though I ended up with a sinus cold which , coupled with the altitude changes , resulted in me going deaf in my right ear . But ! If I tilt my head to the side for a couple of minutes , I regain my hearing ! 3 . I can 't eat spicy food . . . ever . I 'm prone to stomach ulcerations because I 'm a high stress person , and spicy food will pretty much kill me . Also , I have a low spice tolerance . 4 . I take random bus rides for fun . I love to hop on random buses just to see where they go , and so I can see new scenery . The police arrested him at work . They sent me home that day , so that I didn 't have to be there when it happened . Apparently , he sat in the back of the car and cried , and told them that he had learned his lesson . They didn 't take him to the station , they supposedly told him that he seemed like a good kid , and let him go back to work . By New Years , he was already trying to mend things with me , despite the fact that he was legally not allowed to have contact with me . He claimed that he didn 't care , that he just wanted to be with me , to be able to have me in his life . I was resistant . I didn 't trust him . . . he was relentless in his efforts , in his stalking , pretty much . Each time I took him back , I felt more and more stupid . I KNEW he was never going to stop his affairs with the other girls . As long as he had access to technology , he had a way to screw around on me . He had secret e - mail addresses that he used for his constant whore , H , and for the others . He had secret MySpace accounts , dating site accounts , Facebook accounts , Nexopia accounts . . . the list goes on . Not to mention his best friend , his cellphone . No girl was able to have a two minute conversation with him without him asking her for her number . . . no girl was able to accidentally send a text to his cellphone without him hitting on them . He made plans with me one night , and I went to pick him up from work . It was January in Edmonton , AKA colder than anything in the entire world . I don 't drive , so I took the bus , and I stood outside of his work for half an hour waiting for him . Everyone else was filing out , they had been let out early . . . but not R . He was nowhere to be found . I later found out that he had been twenty minutes late getting out after everyone else because he had been hiding somewhere in the bathroom or the break room finishing up having phone sex with his ex - internet - girlfriend . He left me outside in - 30 Celsius weather , waiting for half an hour , because he was busy having phone sex . . . AT WORK . He convinced a sixteen year old girl that he loved her , and convinced her to move from wherever she lived in Ontario , to Edmonton for him . I caught them on our two year anniversary , she was doing quizzes as notes and tagging R in them , because all of her answers were about how in love they were . I caught them shortly before she was going to move . People never knew about me . He always claimed he talked about me all of the time , and told people how much he loved me . . . but they were always so surprised when R finally let me come out to stuff , and they found out he had a girlfriend , let alone a girlfriend of over two years . He was always telling me that I wasn 't allowed to come , because no one else brought their girlfriends or boyfriends , which was an obvious lie . . . and I found out it was a lie when everyone asked me why I never came out , because everyone else knew all of the other girlfriends and boyfriends so well . He kept me a secret , like he was ashamed of me . . . but , really , it made it easier to be a disgusting pig if no one knew he had a girlfriend . He was free to mess around with whomever he wanted , because no one ever knew that someone was already entirely dedicated to him and in love with him . I didn 't matter , I wasn 't important . . . I was only there when he had an itch that needed to be scratched . One of his school friends had a birthday party that he was so excited to go to , and I asked if I could come . He informed me that I would be allowed to come , but as soon as people started showing up , I had to leave . He paid me to leave , told me not to come back . I came back later in the night , and he was entirely pissed , in two ways . He was so drunk that he couldn 't stand without being supported , and he was mad at me for coming back . He spent the night with his head between two girls who were trying to have a conversation , and seemed incredibly annoyed by his presence , and when I told him that he should leave , that I was worried about him because of how much he had drank , he slammed me into a wall . I got a call an hour and a half later , while I was in bed , from him crying because he was supposedly lost , and had no cab money because he spent it all on booze . I asked him where he was , and , of course , he wasn 't lost at all , he had walked almost all the way to my house . He then started yelling about how he would rather sleep in the river valley like a homeless person instead of sleep in the same house as me , how he hated me , and didn 't want to see me . . . yet he was still walking towards my house . Then he pretended to get hit by a car , and hung up the phone . I left the house in my pajamas , incredibly pissed off , to find him lying on the front lawn of a frat house , too drunk to even stand up . He ruined my twenty - second birthday . He spent most of the night sulking and refusing to interact with the people that I invited . He embarrassed me in front of my friends . My guy friends wanted to beat the shit out of him , because he was shoving me around and dragging me around by my wrist , demanding that I talk to him , trying to separate me from my friends . They made him leave the bar we were at , and he went to my sister 's house , got in his car , and drove back to the bar , drunk . He demanded that I drive home with him . I refused , and my guy friends made him leave . He called me a thousand times and sent me a million text messages . He did it all night and all morning . My friends took my phone away and turned it off . He tried to even isolate me from our mutual friends . We had mutual friends from work , but , I decided to transfer stores , because it was getting to be to much to have to deal with R at work every time we broke up . He would watch me , but then treat me like a miserable piece of shit whenever we had contact . Once I got my transfer , he began to feed me lies about how our mutual friends were supposedly talking shit about me , saying terrible things . I was incredibly hurt . I tried to talk to them about it , but he freaked out on me , got insanely pissed off , threatened me , called me stupid . . . and then kept feeding me the lies . He convinced me through deliberate brainwashing that they were backstabbers . I didn 't want people like that in my life , and he seemed so compassionate and concerned about it when he told me about it , so I began to distance myself from them . If he was so concerned and so caring about it , why would I have any reason to think he was lying , right ? I kept trying to leave him . I knew he wasn 't any good for me . . . but every time I tried , he would start freaking out , he would cause a scene , he would threaten to kill himself , he would threaten to kill me . I couldn 't live with that . I was such an emotional wreck and such a broken person , that I took him back every time , I wanted to believe the bullshit and lies that he was telling me , I wanted to believe that he wanted to make those changes , that he wanted to be the person he told me he wanted to be for me . I was also so incredibly afraid of being alone , of dying alone , like he told me I would . He was so terrifying when we were apart . He would call me the most horrible things , say the most terrible things to me , and he was so frighteningly cold . His voice was bone chilling , and his laugh was so cold and malicious , it was truly terrifying . He had the same tone and the same laugh that you hear in horror movies , when the psycho killer is stalking his prey , and he calls them on the phone or leaves them a message . He would make up lies about me . Before I called the police on him , I went to his parents for help . . . after I left , he went downstairs and told them that I was a drug addict and a liar to get out of getting in trouble for the things he had done to me . He was so selfish , he never gave me anything or did anything for me without expecting something in return . No matter how often I bought him stuff " just because " or did nice things for him . . . I always " owed " him something , he was always finding ways for me to pay him back , or asking me to pay him back . He broke up with me before gift giving holidays and birthdays so that he wouldn 't have to buy me anything , but , on the rare occasion that we were still together , he would do something incredibly selfish , like buy a CD that he wanted , burn it onto his computer , and give me the used CD as a gift . I always put so much thought and effort and money into everything I did for him , and he was giving me used CDs that he bought for himself in the first place . It 's never about the expense of a gift , it 's the thought that really matters , and he never put any thought into anything , he never cared enough to put thought into his " gifts " for me . . . only when he was trying to make up for some of his doucehbaggery . Shortly before I left for Korea , the new art gallery opened in Edmonton . I had wanted to go so badly , so R agreed to take me . We were having a completely normal day , so I don 't know why he did it , but he decided to outright insult me when we were buying the parking pass . Offended , I decided to walk to the gallery ahead of him , and stand in line and wait for him . Shortly after I got into the building , he came stomping in , screaming my name , yelling things at me , grabbed me by the arm , and dragged me out of the gallery . He started forcing me back to the car , but he was blocking my way as we went along and screaming at me and flailing his arms around while I cried , in the middle of downtown , on a weekend , on a sidewalk with a steady stream of people walking by . The fact that I wouldn 't go back just pissed him off even more . He threw the car into drive , and started flying around the parking lot at high speeds - - it was the middle of winter , the parking lot was full of slush , new blizzard snow , and there was a solid sheet of ice under all of it . He then took his reckless driving to the streets , swerving in and out of traffic , screaming at me about what a bitch I was and how he was going to kill us . He then went back to the parking lot and demanded once again that I go back to the gallery . I tried to get out of the car , he threw the car into reverse so that he hit me with the door , and then got out of the car , and made me get back inside . He physically prevented me from leaving him , from trying to get away from him . And that 's what the entire relationship had felt like , I was physically , mentally , and emotionally restrained , with no way to escape . When I made the decision to move to Korea to teach for a year , he seemed okay with it . He told me that a year wasn 't long , that we would make it through and be stronger than ever . He told me that when I got back , that we would start our lives together . He would tell me all about how when I came back , that we would move to Calgary together , and start over , and he would get rid of the people in his life that were causing problems , how , once we lived together , he would never cheat again , how he would get rid of everyone . . . but why did it have to take us living together ? If that 's what he wanted , why couldn 't he stop cheating and get rid of the bad people right then and there ? Why was he allowed to be disgusting for a year before I came back ? He was so convincing about how amazing everything would be , and then , as soon as I left , he gave up all effort to keep in contact . I knew he was spending all of his time on the internet , because that 's what he does , so why couldn 't he make the effort to respond to my emails ? To come online to talk to me ? It was really confusing . So , we broke up . It was like we weren 't dating , anyways . After a few months of fighting , we " worked it out " and got back together , and everything seemed good . We talked almost every day , we seemed happy for the most part , and then I found out about H . That he was cheating on me with her , how he had been having a secret affair with her for almost two and a half years of our three year relationship , how he had invested more effort into a relationship with her while I was gone than he did with me , how he talked to her every day , but he couldn 't bother to answer my e - mails , how , when we were on skype , he was on msn with her , having cyber sex , and , just like every other time , he lied to me about all of it . Lied to me about how they kept in contact , what they did , told me everything she said was a lie , and then made all of the huge promises to me about how he would change for me , again . And , like an idiot , I took his word for it . He promised he would stop talking to her and remove her from his life . He never did . We ended up breaking up in July , five days before our three year anniversary . Essentially , I demanded more respect from him after he had a particularly vicious blowout at me because I had asked him to have the courtesy to tell me he might be late when he made plans that intersected with the plans we already had . Essentially he told me that my feelings were wrong and selfish , that I didn 't deserve courtesy , that I didn 't deserve respect . And that was the way he treated me for the entire time we were together , like someone who didn 't deserve courtesy and respect . I put all of my effort and love into my relationship with him , and I was always an afterthought . His infatuation with every other girl in the world took over as soon as I was out of sight out of mind . In terms of me calling the police on him , the case ( he was charged with uttering threats ) was in and out of court for over a year , and when it finally settled , right before I left for Korea , he got 15 months probation , 50 hours of community service , and he had to take a course on spousal abuse . When I first called the police , when him and I were broken up , the police encouraged me to get an emergency restraining order . I spent the day in the courthouse , had to write out everything he had done , and stand in front of a judge and present my case to him . He look HORRIFIED when he read and heard what R had done to me , and he granted me the restraining order . I never issued it , though . R had weaseled his way back in before I could . I should have issued it . After R and I broke up , I sent him an e - mail to see how he was doing . He was always particularly depressive , so I was actually worried about him , though , really , he didn 't care about me , so why should I care about him . The only thing he said to me was that he had tried to go to Seattle over the summer , and , that , upon trying to enter the US , he had been detained by the Department of Homeland Security . . . and that it was my fault . I informed him that the reasons he was on probation and detained for were entirely his fault , that I didn 't make him treat me the way that he did , that he made those decisions , and that he was the reason he was detained . It was one of the first times I really actually stood up to him . All of this still plays with my head . I know it took moving to a foreign country to get away from him , and I know it 's good that I did , but , at the same time , I feel like an entire piece of myself is missing . Like , by losing him , I 've lost everything that was supposed to happen in my life . That , because he said he wanted to marry me and have a family with me , that I won 't get that opportunity with anyone else . That he was right when he told me that I will die alone , lonely , with no family , because he was doing me a favour by being with me , because no one else will ever want me . Because no one wants someone this damaged . He broke me so that he 'll get what he wants , for me to be alone for the rest of my life , for me to not have the marriage and the family and the life that I want . Because , right now , I feel exactly like how he wants me to feel . . . worthless . Because the girl who calls him racial slurs , and who cheated on him , and who lives in Michigan while he lives in Alberta , who claims she doesn 't care about him is worth more to him than the girl who did everything in her power to make him happy , who invested all of her love into him , who cared more about him than anyone else ever will . Fair warning , this is a really long post . . . like , really long . And , I don 't expect many of you to actually read it . . . basically , I 'm going to use my blog as a personal therapy session . I 've split it into two parts , because it 's actually THAT LONG . . . and my pointer has been hovering for a long time over " Publish Post . " We were friends for four years before we started dating . We met on the internet , on the message boards for the Canadian television channel Much Music . We met through some ridiculous stream of messages , and he messaged me and asked me for my msn ( oh , msn , ahaha ) , and we were inseparable from the first time we started talking . We would go online each night and talk for hours and hours and hours . . . often , well into the morning . He saw me through some hard times , another rough relationship with a guy who was no good for me , a lot of drama , a lot of pain . In my mind , he was always there for me . He was the biggest constant in my life . We were supposed to meet before an AFI concert . I was going to lend him $ 20 so that he could go , and we would hang out together . We never found each other in the mall , each time I looked for him , he was looking down , he claimed . He later confided in me that he was supposedly going to ask me out that day , but that after the disappointment of us not meeting , he settled and asked out H instead . H was good four years younger than R , and he was eighteen . That should have told me something in the first place . . . He told me horror stories about how poorly she treated him , how she would get mad and call him a " Dirty Mexican , " how when they broke up , she had cheated on him with two guys in the same night , one of which supposedly called R with H 's cellphone to tell him that H was blowing him as they talked . R asked me out through a text message , while he was visiting family in El Salvador . He didn 't so much as ask me out , as he asked me why we hadn 't " hooked up " yet . His exact words . " Why haven 't we hooked up yet ? " We got his meaning straightened out , and I said yes . I was ecstatic . About two days later , he told me he loved me . I was terrified . It was too soon , I didn 't know what to say . He got REALLY mad at me and told me that if I was hesitating to say it , that obviously I didn 't feel the same way , and that he had made a mistake . He guilted me into telling him that I loved him right then and there , after text message arguing with me for an entire day . At the time , our first year seemed amazing , our relationship seemed like everything I ever wanted . One of my friends from high school got married , and I took R to the wedding with me as my date . . . at one point in time he leaned over to me and said " Next year , this will be us . " He was always telling me about how he wanted to get married and have a family with me . My nickname for him was muffin , and his for me was cupcake . . . he used to call our potential family our " little bakery . " It wasn 't as amazing as I gave it credit for . He was possessive , he used to get upset when I had stuff to do , like homework , and couldn 't spend as much time as he wanted with him . That was how he set up the relationship , he made me dependent on him being around all of the time . He would get pissed off when I would go out with friends . I went out one night with a girl from class and her friend , and he got so incredibly pissed off at me , he called me a slut and a whore and told me I was just like his slut of an ex - girlfriend , H . That I was good for nothing , he threatened to leave me , he demanded to know where I was going , he told me he was going to follow me around all night , he sent me a thousand messages in the span of a few hours . . . because I was going out to the bar with a few girl friends . He slowly got me to phase out my friends , every time they asked me if I wanted to join them , I always said no , because I knew I woudn 't be allowed to , I knew he would call me a whore and throw a fit . He even made me feel bad for the times I stayed in and had a few drinks in my own house with my own sister . I wasn 't allowed to do anything unless he was there . And then , when I invited him to go the bar with my friends and I , he spent the night clinging on to me . . . literally . I wasn 't allowed to even go to the bathroom without him waiting outside . Yet , he would spend all of his time on his phone , texting and calling other girls . He was so possessive of that phone , he would get so upset if I went anywhere near it , but he would ALWAYS look through my phone . He would just grab it and look at all of my messages . I never cared , I had nothing to hide . . . but it bothered me that he would get viciously angry if I went anywhere near his phone . It would scare me when he got upset about things , he had a temper he would never admit to . He smashed glasses when he was mad at me . . . when his phone seemed to quit working , he smashed it on my desk in a fit of rage until it was entirely broken . He did this to two phones . He would scream and turn so red . . . but I let it all slide because I was in love , and it didn 't seem that bad . . . the good times were far more common than the bad . His mom would talk about how R and I were going to get married , and she used to introduce me to people as her daughter . Shit started to hit the fan when R started college . He had taken some time off after high school , and then decided he wanted t go to NAIT for the radio program there . So , I helped R with all of the applying to college stuff , applying for loans stuff , sat through him whining about how hard it was do all of this , blah blah blah . . . he finally got accepted and started school . That September , everything changed . Suddenly , after demanding that I spend all my time with him , he was pushing me away . He wouldn 't answer my texts , he wouldn 't answer my calls , he always told me he was too busy for me , when he did make time for me , he made me feel bad about it . He made me feel like crap for having night classes , he told me that that was the reason we could never see each other - - I ended up dropping a life drawing night class that I had wanted to take since the semester before , to make him happy . He made me feel like shit , all of the time , he made me cry every time he saw me . . . and half a month earlier he had been telling me that we would be married by next year . We were in the mall one day , and this chick from R 's class was up ahead , he started screaming her name , and waving like a mad man , he shoved me away from him ( he had been walking with me by his side , with his arm around me , cuddling with me and giving me kisses before seeing her ) , and ran twenty feet ahead of me . He didn 't introduce me to her , he pretended I wasn 't there . And he got pissed at me for introducing myself to her . He started drinking , a lot . All the time , he was always going out , telling me I wasn 't allowed to come ; he would get entirely trashed and then sleep at other people 's houses , he would get mad when I would text him when he was out . He was constantly drinking , despite telling me that he had wanted to stop being friends with me because I drank with my friends . Suddenly , he was throwing away everything he told me he believed in for these new people . I decided that it was time to end things . He wouldn 't answer my calls or see me in person , opting instead to call me a worthless bitch and tell me to leave him alone , so I had no choice but to e - mail him this huge letter to tell him it was over . I had taken an entire month of him treating me like garbage and making me cry , I had had enough . He e - mailed me back ( yes , e - mailed , didn 't even bother to call me or try to see me in person ) to tell me that he realized what a huge mistake he was making , how he couldn 't lose me , blah blah blah . . . that I was his soul mate . He begged me for a second chance . So I have him his first of 1019495902830 second chances . Things seemed okay . He was suddenly able to spend time with me ( oh , surprise , he actually had spare time ? ) , he was being nice to me , he was attentive . And he kept hinting that my birthday , which was fast approaching , was going to be big . It was , he bought me my dream guitar . . . and he also bought me a ring . It was a simple opal set in gold , and he told me that he didn 't believe in promise rings , so I could basically consider it an engagement ring . . . then he suggested that I should buy him a ring ( seriously , he told me to buy him a ring ) . Which I did . I went out and spent almost $ 200 on a ring for him , despite the fact that the ring he bought me was $ 30 , at most . Not only that , but on the day I was buying it for him , it was taking a little longer than I expected , and we were supposed to meet in the mall . He started calling my phone over and over again , sending me a million text messages , entirely pissed that I was late for meeting up with him . . . the one time I was EVER late . He was red in the face and pissed as hell when I FINALLY met up with him , fifteen minutes after I told him I would meet him . I had sent him a bunch of texts beforehand , telling him that I would be a bit late but I was hurrying . Anyways , that weekend I was having my birthday party . . . he spent the entire time texting someone on his phone . Every time I looked at him , he was texting someone . So , I confronted him about it the next morning , as he was STILL texting this person , but trying to be secretive about it . When I asked him about it , he got entirely pissed off , deleted everything off of his phone , and threw it at me across the room . Obviously , he was doing something inappropriate on his phone . So , here 's where I admit that what I did was wrong . I waited until he slept over the next weekend , and , when he was sleeping , I looked through his phone . There was a conversation with one girl , A , where he was telling her that he wished they could be together , how they should break up with the people they were each with , how all he ever wanted to do was kiss her , how he didn 't know how much longer he was going to be with the " chick " he was with right now ( aka , me ) , he also asked her if she had received the pictures he sent her . There were similar conversations with another girl , K ( who ended up being fourteen years old , he was almost 20 ) , and , also , dirty texts from H ( yes , ex H ) . There was a conversation with a girl who had sent a text to the wrong number , where he asked her where she was from , how old she was , asked her if she had msn , told her she sounded hot , and then asked her for pictures of herself . Digging further into his phone , I found the pictures he had been talking about . Pictures of him nude and masturbating , accompanied by videos of him masturbating . I felt sick . He was sending pictures and videos of himself masturbating to other girls , and probably getting similar things in return from them . He had given me a stupid ring , and then had told A that he didn 't know how much longer he was going to be with the " chick " he was with anymore , and begging her to leave her boyfriend for him , he was messing around with H , again ( I found out that he had started things up with her again , apparently mostly over the internet and through text messages , around six months after we had started dating ) , and he was messing around with K , a fourteen year old ( and that had started up around our first Christmas together ) . I got out of bed , walked to the corner of my room by my door , sat down , and started crying . My crying woke R up , and he seemed genuinely concerned , until I told him WHY I was crying . At that point , he became enraged . We got into a huge fight , and that 's when he pinned me to the bed and strangled me . . . ALMOST until I passed out . How kind . Then , upon realizing what he had done , he begged for my forgiveness , and threatened to kill himself if I left him . I was in a state of shock , I had no idea what to do , so , I went to go take a shower . Upon returning , I found him " passed out " on my bed . . . the drama queen had taken three of my Tylenol Migraine Reliefs , and claimed that he was overdosing . The only thing that I could think of was that we had to be at his parents ' house in like an hour and a half . I couldn 't deal with everything that was going on . He would strangle me . Or threaten to kill me . Or threaten me with kitchen knives . Or shove me into things . Or drag me around by my hair . Or swing at me . Or drive recklessly in traffic . He would call me stupid . Call me a bitch . Tell me I was worthless . Tell me I would never mean anything to anyone . Tell me he was doing me a favour by being with me , because no man would ever love me . Tell me I was going to die alone . Tell me he was going to find a new girlfriend and flaunt her in my face to show me how much better she is . Tell me he could do anything to me , because he knew I would let him come crawling back . . . and I did , because he wore down every last ounce of my self worth and self - esteem , until I wasn 't even a person anymore . I was a hollow shell of a person , who only lived to serve his purposes . . . and when I fought back , I was garbage , I was trash , I was a piece of shit , I was a selfish bitch . . . for wanting what everyone else is not only afforded in their relationships , but also afforded as common courtesies in day to day life . In the end , he did always come crawling back , saying the prettiest little lies . Telling me he loved me , telling me it would never happen again , telling me he couldn 't live without me , screaming that he would kill himself if I didn 't take him back . He would stand outside of where I was living , screaming and crying , and he would throw things at my windows , call me a thousand times back to back , send me a million text messages . . . until I talked to him out of embarrassment and frustration . Then he would start making promises . He would promise me that he would cut out all of the bad people from his life , all of his online sluts , all of his ex - girlfriends that he fucked around with , all of the people who were a bad influence on him . He would swear he was going to devote himself to me , and that he was going to stop drinking , because it made him do stupid things . He made so many promises , and told me that I could hold him to all of them , because I was the only person in his life that mattered , I was the only person he cared about . I was his soul mate . Also , I was afraid . I had been told so many times , over and over again by R that I was worthless , and that no one will love me , that I don 't deserve better than him . . . and it got to the point where I believed it . Where I believed it when he told me that if I left him , that I would never be able to have the family that I wanted , that I was going to die alone . He took away every last bit of my self - esteem and self - worth , and it 's still something that I struggle with . For his twentieth birthday , at the end of November , I spent all of my time and money making birthday plans for him , doing what he claimed he wanted to do , put my whole heart into it . And , the night before , he told me he was going to spend the night with his extended family . He took the bus with me to the grocery store , then , instead of going home , he changed clothes in a bus station , and went to the birthday party he planned for himself and didn 't invite me to . He spent the entire night sending me texts , telling me how much fun he was having with his family , while , in reality , he was out getting trashed with a bunch of people who didn 't know I existed . . . while I stayed up the entire night making the preparations for his birthday the next day . He was so hungover the next day , he wouldn 't eat the food I made for him , and he didn 't even care that I bought lingerie for him . All he wanted to do was lay in bed and watch TV , nursing his hangover . I bought him tickets to an Edmonton Oilers game , as well as some cologne , for his birthday . He broke up with me shortly before Christmas , actually , about a week and a half after his birthday , as he always did . . . anniversaries , birthdays , Valentine 's Day , Christmas . . . he would break up with me to get out of buying me a gift . Anyways , the game was set for shortly after Christmas , and we were supposed to go together ; I bought one ticket for myself , and one for him . But , since he broke up with me , he refused to give me my ticket , and he started asking out girls from work to go with him , which I promptly found out about , because we work in the same place . I did the most revenge - y thing I could think of . I called Ticketmaster and reported the tickets stolen . . . and then I took my dad to the game , on the same day R 's mom took me out for coffee and bought me Christmas gifts . I 'm not even kidding . I did , at least , tell R that I had reported the tickets stolen . I called him the morning that I did it . I had been out the night before with some of the girls from work , some of whom he had asked out to go with him , and one of them had given me the idea to call them in stolen . When I called R to tell him , he demanded to know everything I had done the night before , everything that I had said to anyone , and when I refused to tell him , he got incredibly angry and started screaming at me through the phone , telling me he was going to kill me , and that he knew how he was going to do it , he knew how to get into my apartment , and that he knew no one would care . So , my friend Zach , and I came up with the most amazing new Christmas song EVER last night ! He was drunk , I was entirely sober . It was still awesome to me this morning , and he liked it even better sober . . . GO TEAM AWESOME ! P . S . there is a mother effing mosquito in my apartment . Yes , it is December twenty friggen second , and THERE IS A MOSQUITO IN MY APARTMENT ! GO AWAY , YOU VILE BEAST ! Tonight , at school dinner , I ate two things from the list of the ten deadliest foods in the world . One of them , I didn 't even know was dangerous . Yes , that 's right , that means I knowingly ate ONE deadly food . It 's still squirming around on the plate after they cut it up . You 're supposed to chew it really well before swallowing , or it could potentially sucker itself to your throat and kill you . Really , though , it 's just incredibly tough and chewy , and has a weird texture . The hardest part about eating these foods ? The fact that they 're really hard to pick up with chopsticks . You try using two metal sticks to pick up a slimy piece of food that is wriggling around . . . also , resisting the urge to just take the whole plate and poke at the wiggly bits all night . That link also has a description of why the blood clams are so dangerous . Apparently , despite my co - teacher 's inability to translate what we were eating , and my insistently asking her over and over again if it was blood that was all over the plate , and her insistence that it wasn 't . . . it was . Yup . And , I ate it . No one thought I would , and I was actually one of the few who did . . . Probably because I was unaware that the food we were eating was blamed for a hepatitis outbreak in Shanghai , and resultantly made illegal . That 's enough to make me not want to eat it . Oh , and the fact that that wasn 't sauce . . . IT WAS BLOOD . After dinner , the vice principal came around and talked to each table , when she got to our table , she looked at me sadly and said something about " Tara " and " raw fishee . " My co - teacher retorted by saying something about the blood clams , to which the VP looked incredibly shocked , and went to fetch the principal . My co - teacher explained to me that the VP thought I hadn 't eaten anything because I can 't eat raw fish , which my co - teacher refuted by telling her that I did eat dinner and that I even ate a blood clam . Given the increased tensions since the North Korean shelling of Yeonpyeong Island on November 23 , 2010 , it is understandable that Canadian citizens would be concerned regarding the security situation on the Korean Peninsula . However , the Embassy reminds Canadian citizens in the Republic of Korea that military training exercises are routinely conducted throughout South Korea throughout the year , to include civil defense drills normally held eight ( 8 ) times a year . Canadian citizens should stay informed through local media about upcoming military exercises and civil defense drills that sometimes occur at short notice and for which the Embassy will not routinely provide advance notification . The Embassy continues to closely monitor the current situation . Should the security situation change , the Embassy will update this warden message . " It STILL has not been touched . Maybe they 're saving it as a decoration , or , maybe they don 't want to eat it because the foreigner who is going away soon made it for them , and they want to keep it as a keepsake ? I dunno . I didn 't get ANY sleep last night . I am considering purchasing sleeping pills , because this is getting ridiculous . I was just tossing and turning all night because my brain wouldn 't stop thinking about absolutely nothing in particular . Also , I logged into MSN last night ( do not judge meeeeee ) , and noticed that the evil ex , R , tried adding me back onto messenger . Uhhh . . . what the ship ? I sent him an e - mail asking him why , exactly , he was trying to add me onto messenger again . No response . My bet , he wants to have a way to monitor me , see when I 'm online or something . So , a strange little thing happens in my office a few times a week , where sales people come in and try to get the other teachers in my office to get their credit cards or something . I have no idea . They always seem to be hawking credit cards , though . I just like the reactions I get when they walk over to me . As soon as I look up , they usually jump with surprise , or look stunned , and tell me " mianhamnida " ( I 'm sorry ) . The lady today had the BEST REACTION EVER , though ! She went to the few people in the office , had no luck , walked over to me , and when I looked up at her , she squeaked , jumped back , and then started giggling ferociously . Fun times . I love when people aren 't expecting me to be a wayguk ( non - Korean ) . I have all of one class tomorrow . It is going to be a loooong day . But ! I get to take the last class picture that I need . . . I will have class pictures of all 19 of my classes ! Yay ! I even slapped on some fake lashes and wore the shawl thinger that my aunt gave me ! It 's all beads , and amazingly comfy ! I think when I get back to Canada , I 'm going to start wearing red lipstick more in my day to day life . I love it so much . . . it 's just a bit shocking for Korea . I met some new people last night , and mingled with some others that I hadn 't seen in a while . I really love the group of people we have in this city for the most part . . . though , there was a rather scowly gentleman who seemed to start a lot of crap with people last night . I didn 't meet him , nor did I care to . I don 't feel like dealing with the drama of that . Plus , you 're not entirely approachable when you have an angry scowl on your face all night . Today was a lazy day . I called my mom and dad , and had a nice little chat , and I even got to have a skype date with my sister - - who called in the middle of my afternoon nap . I love my family so much , we 've always been so close , they 're the most amazing people that I know , I owe them so much . My mom informed me that she 's not really in the Christmas spirit this year , and she hasn 't even decorated the tree yet ! Usually she 's trying to pull Christmas stuff out more than a month in advance . She told me that she feels guilty that I won 't be there for Christmas this year . I think she might be homesick for me . She 's so sweet . I told her to cheer up and not to worry , because I 'll be around plenty of great people for Christmas this year . I will miss my family , though . It 's my first Christmas away from home ! This year , for Christmas , there 's a group of eight of us heading up to this AMAZING ski resort . There will be drinking , shenanigans , movies , music , and a delicious homestyle Christmas dinner . I am SO EXCITED ! I managed to get Christmas Eve off , so I have a good three day weekend before my three weeks of winter camp . . . thank goodness ! |
" What took you so long ? " She asks when I walk through the door , " It 's after ten . We really have to get on the road . " We spend the next ten minutes double checking that we remembered to turn off the gas and the water , adjusted the thermostat , and that all the doors and windows are locked . On our way out the back door , Kate assures me that she remembered to have our mail forwarded to our respective addresses back in Washington , which has been worrying me all morning since I forgot to give Ray my new mailing address in the letter I sent him last night . I suppose that since I 'm going to be stuck in the car for most of the next four days , I could write him again and then mail the letter from one of the hotels we have booked along the way . " As ready as I 'll ever be , " I tell her while I reach around and pull my seatbelt down over me . In reality , I 've been dreading this road trip since I agreed to go back to Seattle . It 's four long days , stuck in a car , while driving through a lot of open nothingness . Unfortunately , Kate needs her car back home and I didn 't want her making the drive alone . So , rather than buying a plane ticket , I agreed to come with her . Still , on the list of things that have my nerves peaked , the drive falls pretty low compared to what I know is waiting for me in Seattle . Christian and I have been talking pretty regularly over the last few weeks , just a few , short phone conversations two or three times a week , and it 's been civil , but it 's also been superficial . Once I 'm back in Seattle , we 're really going to have to face what happened and I don 't even know where to begin . She reaches down for the iPod connected to her stereo through Bluetooth and , although I don 't see the song she puts on , I recognize it within the first few seconds it begins playing . It 's the Spice Girls ' Wannabe . We grin broadly at each other and begin singing along as she puts the car in reverse and backs out of the alley behind the house we won 't see again for the next three months . " I don 't know if weird is the right word … " I tell her . " I really love it here and this time next year , we 're going to be saying goodbye for good . " " What ! " She cries . " Ana , you have to come home . We 've been inseparable since the start of college . You can 't break up the dream team now . If you move somewhere else , it will crush Elliot . And what about Ray ? He 'll be home next year ! " She narrows her eyes at me but then brightens a little as if something new has occurred to her . " I don 't know why we 're talking about this anyway . Your book is going to be published by the time we graduate , you won 't even need a job . Just a quiet place surrounded by friends and family where you can settle down and start writing your next novel . " " So your dream is working in a publishing house ? What are you going to do , edit other people 's work when you could be creating your own ? " She asks as if she thinks it 's a step down from doing nothing but writing books all the time . " You 're too good for that , Ana . " " There are other jobs in publishing houses besides editing , " I reply . " Look , we have a whole other year of school left before we have to start worrying about who 's doing what and who 's ending up where . Let 's cross this bridge when we get to it . " She purses her lips together like she 's trying to stop the torrent of arguments I know are racing through her mind from coming out of her mouth . It 's actually surprising . Kate usually isn 't one to hold back what she 's thinking or how she feels , but perhaps she 's being cognizant of the fact we 're going to be cooped up in this car together for the next few days and a few miles outside of Cambridge is not the best place to start an argument . Instead , she turns her iPod back up and we sing along to a long list of songs that make me think of middle school until the late hours of the night turn into the early hours of the morning and a very tired Kate pulls into the hotel we 've booked in Toledo , Ohio . We 're back in the car first thing the next morning , and it 's Kate 's intention that we continue driving until we reach Bismarck , North Dakota , an astounding 13 ½ hours away . It 's exhausting watching the invariable scenery of the mid - west pass us by and makes the hours seem to drag on and on . By the time the sun starts to go down , we 're both so bored out of our minds that we 're not even capable of keeping up a conversation , which is perhaps the only reason why I hear my phone vibrate in my bag on the floor by my feet . " That 's why you two broke up isn 't it ? You were fine , you were going to forgive him , and then suddenly , you were gone . You ran away to Savannah , you refused to see him , and refused to take his phone calls . You found out the truth and that 's why you left him , isn 't it ? " " Why didn 't you tell me ? " He asks , the pain breaking through the anger in his voice . " We 've all been trying to figure out what she had over him to make him do what he did . Why didn 't you say something ? " " I 'm sorry , " I say quietly . " I thought it might ruin any chance your dad ever had of forgiving Christian and I knew how important that was to you and your mom … It made me leave him and I didn 't know if it would make you do the same thing . You 're all he has . " " No … I mean , maybe , I don 't know . Elliot , your family was falling apart and I thought that if I was the one to tell you , the damage would be irreparable . It 's not that I wanted to hide it , I just thought Christian should be the one to tell you . I thought him coming clean was the only way you 'd all be able to move past it . " " Maybe he just needs some time to process it … It 's good though , right ? He told the truth . He owned up to it . That 's progress . " " I don 't know … I 'm going to go over to Christian 's apartment tomorrow to talk to him about it , let Dad cool off a little . I just can 't believe this is all because of money . I mean of all the stupid shit … " " No , just my mom and Mia … and hopefully my dad , although after what Christian just told us , I don 't know . Christian said he has work obligation this weekend so we thought we could use the time to kind of regroup and come up with a game plan now that you 're in town . Since you 'll be at work with him everyday , you 'll probably be around him the most and we just want to make sure we 're being consistent . " " I have to , " Elliot says . " We all do . We 're never going to be able to move past this if we never trust him . I believe that he is doing everything in his power to make this better . I think that 's why he came here tonight . He wants to get back to a good place with us , with you . He 's trying . " " You amaze me , Elliot , " I tell him truthfully . " When I found out the truth about why he did it , I … well you know what I did . You 're an amazing brother to stand by his side and support him unconditionally the way you do and I want you to know that , just in case Christian hasn 't said it . " I hang up the phone and take a deep breath as I mull over the conversation . Christian told his Dad . I wasn 't sure if the therapy and reaching out to his mom and putting up with Elliot were just something he was doing to appease me , but telling his dad is something different . He 's finally taking some responsibility for his mistake . " Are you serious ? " She asks , and I nod . " I knew it ! I knew it ! I knew it was too much of a coincidence that he got start - up money right after the trial . What did Carrick say ? Is he freaking out ? " " Exactly , he could go to jail for that . I honestly can 't believe he 'd take that risk . I mean , think of what that would do to his company . This could be a PR nightmare , he could lose business deals and fall out with all of his contacts . He could lose everything . He must be really serious about making this up to you , Ana . " " So … the question is , how do you feel about that ? I mean , we know why he 's doing it . He 's still in love with you and this is what you asked him to do . Apparently , he doesn 't think there is a price too high , so … is there even a possibility that you may take him back ? " " I just don 't know if I could trust him again . I mean , I know he 's reached out to his family and that he 's trying to make amends , I can see that . But if I were to ever get involved with him again , I would need to know that Elena Lincoln was completely out of his life , and , even though Elliot says he hasn 't talked to her , for some reason , I just don 't trust it . I mean , she was gone before , he 'd cut off contact with her before and she clawed her way back to him . I don 't know if I 'll ever be able to certain that she 's gone , and how do you have a relationship with someone you can 't trust ? " " Yeah . And … I need to know that he 's sorry for what he did . Not just that I broke with him , but that he 's sorry he did it and that he knows why it was wrong . Because right now , I 'm not sure that he does . " " Well , he 's in therapy and he has all of us now . He has all the tools to figure it out . We have a long summer ahead of us , maybe you 'll be surprised . " " We 're here ! " She exclaims , and I look away from the shops signs along the tall building across the street and glance over at the apartments to my right . My mouth immediately drops open . We 're idling outside a 30 story tall building made of steel and icy blue glass . The building is round , like several cylinders that have been stacked next to one another , and the front of the building is made of cream colored sandstone with the words Escala written in bold , gold letters next to the doors . " Of course I 'm sure , " Kate says . " And I can 't park here so you go on in . I 'll pull around to the garage and meet you in the lobby . " " Okay … " I tell her , and I get out of the car , taking only my purse with me as I make my way up to the wide glass doors . The lobby of the building has stark white walls , sandstone pillars , and a long , curved staircase with a wrought iron hand rail leading up to the second floor . I walk past the contemporary looking furniture and tables with extravagant arrangements of flowers on them , conscious with each step of my shoes clacking too loudly against the white marble floors , towards the shiny black desk with a marble top . There is a woman there dressed in an impeccably cut black suit and pearl colored blouse , concentrating hard on the monitor of her computer . " Uh … excuse me ? " I ask tentatively , and she looks up at me and gives me a broad smile . Her teeth look blindingly white behind her scarlet colored lips . " Oh , well , welcome to the building , Miss Steele . Do you have the paperwork from your realtor with you ? " She asks as she turns to look through a box of files on the edge of her desk . " Uh … I didn 't work with a realtor , it 's not really my apartment … I think it 's probably under the name Christian Grey . " " Oh , I don 't work for the media , " I say quickly . " I um … I work for him , the apartment is part of my internship . " " Yes , Mr . Thomas , there is an Anastasia Steele out here . She says she 's supposed to be moving into an apartment purchased through Mr . Grey today , " She begins , and the moment the other person begins speaking , her face morphs into a look of panic . " Yes , sir , I know … all matters with Mr . Grey are supposed to go through you , I just wasn 't sure … No , she 's right here . Yes , absolutely . I 'll take care of it , sir . " " Miss Steele , " He says pleasantly as I shake his hand . " It 's a pleasure to finally meet you . Mr . Grey speaks very highly of you . " " We normally don 't allow subletting in this building but because Mr . Grey is such an important resident here at Escala , we were more than happy to make an exception . However , because Mr . Grey 's name is on the apartment , any service or maintenance requests will have to come from him … I trust that won 't be a problem . " " Wonderful . You 'll be on the fourteenth floor , apartment number 1419 , and here is your key . Would you like someone to show you the way ? " " Very good , Miss Steele , " He says , reaching out to shake my hand again . " I do hope that you have a pleasant stay with us here at Escala this summer and if you have any questions or need any help navigating the city , we have a 24 Hour concierge service for your convenience . It 's located just over there , " He says , pointing to another marble desk on the other side of the room . " Oh … I wasn 't sure which space was yours so I just parked in one of Christian 's , " She says . " But we 'll go get my car and move it into your space before we start unloading your things . I 'm pretty sure Christian 's spaces are the farthest away from the elevators as is possible . " " No , he doesn 't live on the 14th floor , Ana . He lives in the penthouse , " Kate says with a laugh and I watch as she reaches forward and presses the button with an engraved " P " on it . As we travel down the one level to the parking garage , I examine the other buttons noting the one at the top that is engraved with a " PH " , and it gives me a small sense of relief . I can count 15 floors between his apartment and mine . I 'll be spending all day with him at work , I don 't think it 's a good idea living in close proximity to one another too . When the doors open , I follow Kate around the backside of the elevator and up a walkway towards the back of the garage . There is a second gate blocking the roadway with a security guard stationed next to it and Kate has to put a code into a keypad by a locked door for us to continue up the walkway to the back part of the garage . When we finally make it through , I can see why . We turn the corner and we 're facing a few empty spaces and then a line of really expensive looking cars parked along the back wall . " Impressive , " I say quietly as I walk up between Kate 's Mercedes and the sport 's car , which looks more like something you would see in a Batman movie than just driving down the road . It 's not surprising really , I suppose . I remember the Bentley he rented in Vegas and his excitement over sailing and helicopter lessons . He 's always had a fascination with power , and not only in the metaphorical sense . " There 's a 24 hour security guard twenty feet away , Anastasia . Not to mention … " She gestures with her head to the ceiling and I see the subtle red blink of light on a security camera pointed directly at the cars in front of us . " That 's a live feed that goes directly up to Taylor 's office and I 'd really hate to see what would happen to the guy who got on the wrong side of Taylor . That guy can be a little terrifying . " " And Taylor is his head of security right ? " I ask , vaguely remembering his name from when Christian came to visit the weekend I went out of town with Luke . I grit my teeth together as I think of Luke 's name . It 's been five weeks and I still haven 't heard a single word from my supposed best friend , not that that should matter now . Clearly , he 's moved on . " Yeah , you 'll probably meet him when you go into GEH on Monday . Christian never goes anywhere without him . Apparently it 's dangerous for mega rich people to just walk around without a full security detail . " " No , because the paparazzi might get a picture of him . You saw what happened to Britney Spears in 2007 . Christian 's really just a few pictures away from shaving his head and attacking someone with an umbrella . " Just after the short entry way , which has beautiful , pale wood floors and a huge , ornate mirror hanging on the wall , we walk into a surprisingly large , open concept kitchen . The cabinets are a rich caramel color , the counters are made of marble , and all the appliances are spotless stainless steel . There is a wood and steel dining room table with chairs for four just outside the kitchen , which flows seamlessly into the living room . I walk forward , leaving my bags behind as I take in the slate gray , modular sectional sofa , glass coffee table , and huge TV , and that 's all before I get a glimpse of the view through the living room window . We 're surrounded by the tall buildings of downtown Seattle and through the narrow openings between the skyscrapers , I can see the iconic structure of the Space Needle , just a few blocks away . " Maybe this isn 't overboard for him . I mean , there are servants quarters in his apartment , he could have moved you in with him and his apartment is crazy awesome . Although , looking around here does make it weird because it seems as though he does know that you are supposed to put furniture in an apartment . " " Maybe , " She agrees . " Well , let 's go look at the bedroom so I can get out of here . As much as I love you , Steele , I have a boyfriend waiting for me who I haven 't seen in a month . " There is only one bedroom in the apartment and the only bathroom is attached to it . Inside the room , we find a comfortable , well made , queen size bed . There is a wide , glass door that leads to a balcony , which has a lounge chair and small table , perfect for a Saturday afternoon of reading . " No , but your clothes can , " I tell her . " I might have to go shopping after I unpack . I don 't know if I have much that is appropriate for a place like Grey Enterprises Holdings . " " Alright , I 'll see you tomorrow night , " She says , and she leans in , kisses me on the cheek , and turns around to walk back out through the living room . I follow her to lock the door behind her and then turn around and face the bags I have to unpack . With a sigh , I march forward to tackle the largest suitcase first , but as I do , a vase full of flowers on the dining room table that I hadn 't noticed before catches my eye . They 're pink peonies , my favorite flowers , and after taking a moment to appreciate them , I lean over to inhale the sweet scent , sighing appreciatively . There isn 't a card but I doubt Escala or whatever decorating company Christian hired to furnish this apartment knows my favorite kind of flowers . I smile down at them and then turn around to drag my suitcase back into the bedroom . It doesn 't take me too long to unpack . There is more than enough space in the dresser and enough hangers in the closet for all the clothes I brought , and , besides the quilt my mom made for me for Christmas two years ago , I haven 't brought much else . I decide once I 'm finished that I 'll head out to the grocery store , but when I make it out to the kitchen , I find the refrigerator and the cabinets are already stocked with food . There is already laundry detergent in the laundry room , cleaning supplies beneath the kitchen and bathroom sinks , even the shower is stocked with my preferred brand of shampoo and body wash . There really isn 't anything for me to do . Ultimately , I decide to head down to the gym in the basement and try and run off some of this excess energy . It 's nice because the equipment is state of the art and it 's completely deserted down here . Having no one hovering around waiting for my treadmill like they do back at Harvard actually motivates me to stay a little longer and run a little harder . When I 'm finished , I head back upstairs to take a shower and then wrap myself in one of the over large , incredibly soft bath towels I find in the cabinet in the bathroom before heading out to the kitchen and finding something to make for a late dinner . I decide to keep it simple and settle on a salad which I take with me into the living room while I look through the movies in the cabinet under the TV . I feel a kind of sentimental twinge when I see every one of my favorite movies stacked neatly next to one another . I even let out a small , breathy laugh when at the end of the line , I see the movie Hook , which Christian had played when we went to Vermont together . Maybe … Maybe it wouldn 't be a bad idea if I went up to his apartment , just to let him know I 'm here and to thank him for the flowers , and the apartment , and the job , and … well , everything really . Closing the cabinet door , I stand up , run into the bedroom to get dressed , and then take a deep bracing breath before grabbing the key to the apartment and strolling out into the hallway . I make my way back to the elevator and once inside , hesitate for just a second before pushing the " PH " button . A disembodied robotic voice with a weird accent that sounds vaguely British immediately comes through the speaker in the wall . " Please enter your passcode , " The voice commands , and I frown . Of course there 's a code . Did I really expect to just be able to get in an elevator and push a button to get into Christian Grey 's apartment ? I briefly consider texting Elliot … I 'm sure he has the code , but now that I 've had time to think about what I 'm doing , I 'm starting to have second thoughts . Boundaries are important to maintain between Christian and I right now because I know how easy it will be to fall back into our old patterns again . Dropping into his apartment uninvited , especially this late at night , is crossing the line of a professional relationship , even just a cordial relationship , and until I know for sure that Elena is completely out of his life , that 's all there can be between us . I reach out and press the " open door " button and walk slowly back to my apartment . I feel kind of tired now and I don 't know if it 's because I 'm still on eastern time and it 's technically midnight for me , or if it 's just allowing myself to get caught up in the Christian mess again . I haven 't even seen him yet and I 'm already feeling discombobulated . If I 'm going to make it through the summer , I 'm going to need to stop complicating this in my head . I 'm here to work . I 'm not here to try and be his friend or to try and … I spend most of the next day exploring Seattle , getting to know the shops and restaurants close by . Elliot assures me that I HAVE to try Top Pot Doughnuts and he was correct , the maple bar is probably the best I 've ever had . I walk through the Pike Market district , Pioneer Square , and even make a quick stop over at Qwest Field to take a few pictures to add to my next letter to Ray . I actually feel a little nervous as we pull up to the huge house , which is only somewhat familiar to me . I haven 't been here since the Thanksgiving when Christian brought me home for the first time and staring up at the cream and stone walls and the warm windows twinkling through the dusk elicits an empty kind of feeling inside of me . It just feels weird being here without Christian . " You 're so tall ! " I say incredulously , and it 's true . I think she 's the same height as I am , and she 's gorgeous . Her almond shaped , chocolate colored eyes are no longer too big in her face and now that she 's lost the last of her baby fat and filled out a little more , she looks like the kind of girl who would play the prom queen in a cheesy teen movie . " You 're like … a grown up , " I tell her . " Yeah , well … I couldn 't stay fourteen forever , " She says as I continue to gawk at her . She 's really a completely different person and I wonder if what I 'm experiencing now , is what Christian experienced when he got to see her for the first time a few weeks ago . It must have really been a shock for him . " Oh , Ana ! " Elliot cries dramatically , letting of Kate and forcing himself between me and Carrick , then sweeping me up into a rib crushing hug . " How have I survived so long without you ? " " What ? " Carrick asks , a note of his alarm in his voice as we all hear the sound of the doorbell . I turn around , feeling a similar sense of apprehension as Grace crosses the polished stone floor to answer the door . When she opens it though , I feel the smallest amount of relief when I see the man standing on the doorstep isn 't Christian , but rather someone I 've never seen before . " Everyone , " Grace begins . " This is Dr . John Flynn . We 've shared several patients over the years and he 's recently started seeing Christian . " " Pleasure to meet you , Dr . Flynn , " Elliot says , stretching his hand out for the doctor 's . I too shake Dr . Flynn 's hand but when he reaches out for Carrick , Carrick doesn 't return the gesture . Instead , he shoots an angry glare at Grace . Carrick 's jaw tenses but he doesn 't respond . Grace turns back to Dr . Flynn with a smile and then leads him through the kitchen to the dining room . When we 're all seated around the dining table , Grace begins a casual conversation with Dr . Flynn while the woman I saw in the entrance hall , who I presume is the Greys ' housekeeper , places a large dish of lasagna , a bowl of Caesar salad , and two baskets of garlic bread in the center of the table . Elliot passes me a bottle of wine and I fill my glass and take a sip as everyone begins to fill their plates . The tension from Grace and Carrick 's little spat in the living room seems to die away as we eat and I spend the entire meal getting caught up with Mia , who it seems has turned into quite the social butterfly . I ask her about her friends , what she does for fun on weekends , and what her favorite subjects in school are , but somehow every question seems to come back to dancing . Now that summer vacation is just around the corner , she isn 't going to have her high school dance team anymore so she 's planning on auditioning for an actual ballet company in Seattle next week . " That 's great , Mia . " I tell her . " You 'll have to tell me when your first recital is so I can get tickets and come watch you . " " She isn 't ' , " Carrick interrupts . " Her mother and I are thrilled that she has ballet as a hobby but she hasn 't been keeping a 4 . 0 GPA in an advanced curriculum program in the most prestigious private school in Seattle to spend four years at a dance school . She 'll be at Harvard , pre - law , just like your old man . " " See , Dad ? Why don 't you just stop being so obsessed with the idea of having a legacy at Harvard and let your kids live their lives ? " Mia snaps . " You need to watch the way you 're speaking to me , young lady . Now , I 'm not going to listen to another word about this . I 'm not paying for you to go to Juilliard so just drop it . " " Go to your room , " Carrick says in a low , threatening voice , and Mia picks up the napkin from her lap , throws it down on the table , and storms out of the room , leaving us all sitting awkwardly in deafening silence . No one moves , and it feels as though no one even breathes . We all just sit there , staring at Carrick , who is sitting at the head of the table with his eyes closed and his fists clenched as he tries to reign in his anger . " Do you see now why I don 't want him around Mia ? " Carrick asks , looking up at Grace , who is seated across the table from him . " This is the influence he has on her . " " Christian isn 't even here , " Grace argues . " He 's seen her three times in the last two years , and all three of those times have been in the last month . How can you possibly say he 's been a bad influence on her ? " " Okay , okay , " Dr . Flynn interjects . " Let 's just take a time out here . Everybody relax , we 're all on the same team . There 's no benefit in assigning blame to one another . We all know who is to blame here . " " I understand that , " Carrick interrupts him . " No one here is denying that he was her victim , but when we tried to help him , he used it as an opportunity to betray every single person in this room so that he could get what he wanted . That 's on him . He made that choice , not Elena . " " He 's not stupid , he knew what he was doing . He wanted money . It 's all he talked about for years , and he took the first opportunity he could to get it without any regard for the feelings of the people who love him . " " Yes , you 're right . He wanted money to start his company and the way he went about getting what he wanted hurt a lot of people , but Mr . Grey , as hurtful as his actions may have been , I do not believe they were malicious . I think that Christian was so caught up in this pattern of abuse with Mrs . Lincoln , who you 'll notice knew exactly the thing to offer him to get him to do what she wanted , that he wasn 't capable of fully comprehending the gravity of his choice and the effects it would have on everyone around him , " Dr . Flynn says . " Oh , you 're Anastasia , " Dr . Flynn says as an excited kind of smile crosses his face . " I 'm very happy you 're here . It 'll make this transition a lot easier … But I 'm getting ahead of myself , you were saying you weren 't sure ? What exactly do you mean ? " " That he didn 't know that what he was going to do would have consequences , " I clarify . " You see the morning of the trial , he was scared . I 'd never seen him so nervous before and then just before we went in , he asked me if I would love him no matter happened in the courtroom that day . He knew what he was about to do was wrong and that it had the potential to drive all of us away , but he did it anyway . " " Ah , yes , fair point , " Dr . Flynn says . " But let me clarify . When I say that Christian wasn 't capable of fully comprehending the gravity of his choice , I don 't mean to say that he was completely oblivious . Like Mr . Grey pointed out earlier , Christian is a very intelligent young man . He knew that lying under oath was perjury and was a crime , he knew that his family would be upset at what he 'd done , and that was probably very overwhelming and unsettling for him . So this is where it becomes very important to understand the extent to which the abuse he has been subjected to has taken hold of his mind and his decision making capabilities . " " Mr . Grey , I understand how frustrating this must feel for you but please don 't think I mean to impugn your parenting . I mean to illustrate the consequence of the abuse he suffered at the hands of Mrs . Lincoln . You see , abusive relationships have an addictive quality to them , much in the same way gambling or sex can become addictive . The abuse makes the relationship unpredictable , the reward phase and the violence phase are compelling , exhilarating , and even mind altering . It causes a chemical reaction and the release of endorphins and the rush of adrenaline fuel the addiction . That addiction affects their perception of the relationship , it affects their ability to make rational decisions , and leads to compulsive behavior . For instance , you might see an increase in drug and alcohol use , lying , stealing , compulsive working , self - harm , sex addiction , eating disorders … all possible consequences of this manipulated state of mind , and these behaviors become more prevalent in situations of great stress or hardship . Now at the time this event happened , Christian was living in a new environment on his own for the first time in his life , he was attending an Ivy League school , he was in his first real , serious relationship , he was having to face this trial and what Mrs . Lincoln had done to him … " Dr . Flynn stares back at me for a moment , pondering what I 've said . " So there 's the self - worth , " He muses aloud . " Excellent , that gives me a new insight . Thank - you , Anastasia . Now , essentially , what I 'm here to do is to make sure we have a consistent message and the proper tools to help Christian escape this cycle of abuse with Mrs . Lincoln so that you all can experience a healthy relationship with him once more . Now , I want to preface this by telling you all that this is not going to be easy . I can 't discuss the details of what Christian has said to me in our sessions but I can say that from what he 's told me and from what I 've discussed with Grace , this seems to be a textbook case of what 's known as Victim Grooming , which is seen in a vast variety of abusive relationships , but is most prevalent in cases involving children . Now we all know the sexual abuse Christian endured began at the age of fifteen but the psychological aspect of the abuse actually goes back much farther than that , I think . " " Elena always had a special interest in Christian , " Grace says . " Ever since we adopted him , she was always holding him and talking to him . She was very affectionate towards him and he bonded with her quickly , more quickly than anyone else . When he was older and he was struggling with his past issues and his adolescent angst , she was the only one he would talk to . We encouraged it … " Grace 's voice cuts off as tears begin bubbling up and Kate reaches over to hug her . " Or a contract , " Dr . Flynn concedes , " Now if the abuser is successful up to this point , they are in control of the relationship , and that 's when the cycle begins . Once the victim gets in the cycle , it 's very difficult to get them out . Like I said , the highs and the lows of the relationship become addictive and that addiction actually strengthens the bond between the abuser and the victim . It 's what we psychiatrists call Traumatic Bonding . " " First and foremost , we need to get Elena Lincoln completely out of his life . Zero contact . And in order to do that , you 're all going to have to make it clear that you all support him , love him , and want to be there to help him . " " It reinforces what she is telling him . You have to remember that isolation is one of her most powerful weapons to keep him dependent on her . When you say that if he doesn 't leave her , you won 't have anything to do with him , she 's able to spin that into you don 't care about him and that you 're already on your way out . Remember , Christian faced the loss of a parent very early in his life , abandonment is one of his triggers , and an easy way for Elena to get to him . When you say that you will be out of his life if he doesn 't live up to an expectation , you are placing the blame of the abuse and the responsibility to end the abuse solely on him , and it creates fear and triggers his defense mechanism . " " No , I 'm saying that language that places ultimatums on him or that is attacking her will create a defensive reaction . Let me put it to you this way . When the police receive a tip that there is suspected domestic violence occurring in a home , how is it they know which spouse or parent is responsible for the abuse without the informant telling them ? " Dr . Flynn asks . He looks around the table , waiting for one of us to answer , but when we don 't , he continues . " The victim will always try to protect their abuser . You 'll find wives putting themselves in between the police and their husbands , trying to shield them . You see children clinging to their abusive parent , trying to hold onto them so they can 't be taken away . You saw it in the trial . She was facing a prison sentence , he protected her , and she rewarded him for it . That is the cycle . It is essential that we avoid triggering that defensive mechanism because it will drive him back to her . " " So , what ? She just never faces any consequences for what she 's done ? She 's just off the hook , just like that ? " I ask . " I 'm not interested in being in any kind of personal relationship with him if he 's still involved with her . She 's disgusting and a child molester and the fact that he would allow someone like that to be in his life , is inexcusable to me . " " No , that 's not what I 'm saying at all , but before we get to the point where we can focus on her consequences , we need to completely sever the bond between Christian and Elena . If we move too quickly , the break will be traumatizing for him . He has to be ready for it or you 'll see the same outcome you saw with the trial . He 'll go back to her . " " All you can do is let him know that you are here to support him , reward any behavior that shows he 's moving out of the cycle , share your feelings with him , encourage him to try new things outside of his dependence on Elena , and make sure he knows that you 'll always be there for him , no matter what . Even if he goes back to her , " Dr . Flynn says . " The rest we 'll work out in therapy . " " I 'm sorry , " I say , shaking my head . " I just … I can 't be supportive if he goes back to her . I can 't do it . " " If we 're consistent and we really show him that we 're there for him , he won 't go back to her , " Dr . Flynn says . " But you have to remember that she is not going to give up her position of power without a fight and she knows how to play on his vulnerabilities . I know it can be hard to accept , but it is important to acknowledge that this will be difficult for Christian . But I assure you , in time , we will be able to get him away from her . " " It 's my pleasure , " Dr . Flynn says . " Of course if any of you are struggling with what 's going on with Christian , I encourage you to come and see me and we can talk through what your feeling and see if we can 't work through it together . And … I 'd really like it if you would make an appointment to come and speak with me in private , Anastasia . " " No , it just feels like something to do … I don 't know … " He says , and he flicks the cigarette away and into the pool below . " You know there was a time when I was so angry at him that I thought I hated him , " I say quietly . " But then I realized , anger was just the surface emotion . I love him , but he hurt me and it 's easier to be angry than to deal with the pain . So , I know how you feel . " " No . I 'm mad at myself . She did this to him for four years , while he was living in my house . I not only didn 't see it , didn 't protect him from it , but I sent him over there . I encouraged it . I have one job as a parent , and I didn 't protect my son . You know , when you have kids , you just want what 's best for them . You want them to be safe , you want them to be healthy and happy and you want them to be successful . Christian fought me so hard on college and I wouldn 't even listen , and now every day I face the reality that if I had just given him the money , if I had believed in him just a little bit , none of this would have happened . Now every time I read an article about how successful he 's been or when I see the amazing things that he 's accomplished because of what she gave him … It 's infuriating . It 's like having your biggest regret shoved in your face over , and over , and over again , and it 's ripping me apart . I know that I 'm taking that anger out on Christian , and I shouldn 't , but I just don 't know how to deal with this . " " Yes , I knew almost instantly . I was doing Andrew 's divorce and he called me the minute that transfer was made . It 's my fault he lied . I could have given him the money , and I didn 't . " " It wouldn 't have been any different . If you had given him the money , he wouldn 't have gotten away from her for those few months that he did and nothing would have changed between them . You would have never found out and there 's a good chance it would still be going on . " " And he would have never met you . You 're the only reason he got out of it at all . You brought him back from the edge . " " You know , this whole thing has made the situation with Mia and Juilliard impossible for me . All my instincts tell me she needs to go to school . She doesn 't have the same kind of intuition or the focus that Christian has that has enabled him to be successful without a degree , but then I wonder if I 'm just making the same mistakes all over again . You know you make plans for your kids , you have an idea of what to do to prepare them for the real world . You get them in the best preparatory schools , you help them with their homework , get them tutors , foster a desire to build a career , and then you send them off to the best college you can . Elliot did it fine , but Christian and now Mia … " " Elliot loves being an engineer and he needed school for that , " I interrupt . " Christian loves business and he didn 't need school . Mia loves to dance and she 's asking for what she needs to be successful at what she loves to do . " " Yes , but Engineering and Business are careers . Dancing has a shelf life . She 'll always be just a few years or one injury away from having nothing , and then I 'll have to face the reality of letting yet another one of my kids down . My job is to prepare her for life . I don 't want to fail her the way I failed Christian . " " Hey , Ana , " Kate says . " I 've got work in the morning so I 've got to head back home . Are you ready ? " " Yeah , " I tell her . Carrick turns to hug me goodbye and , after promising I 'll see him soon , I head back into the house with Kate . Mia 's back downstairs now so I 'm able to wish everyone a goodnight before we head out the door and back out to Kate 's Mercedes . When I 'm back in my apartment , and I 've hung all the clothes that Kate has brought for me in the closet , and picked out the outfit I 'm going to wear tomorrow , I crawl into bed and stare out at the Seattle skyline . As I lie there , thinking over everything Dr . Flynn said over dinner tonight , my mind starts to drift and I begin to wonder briefly what 's in store for me on my first day at GEH . What it 's going to feel like when , for the first time in two years , I see Christian again . Am I prepared to do the things Dr . Flynn has asked of all of us , and will the boundaries I 've tried to keep up since we 've started talking again hold firm when he 's no longer just a voice on the phone , but actually standing in front of me ? |
WARNING ! ! ! This story contains non - consensual sex , violence , abuse , mutilation , snuff and cannibalism . Read it at your own risk . I 'm not responsible for your dinner finding its way back : - ) WARNING ! ! ! My uncle turned me to the window seeking for traces of tears in my eyes . His large palms on my shoulders seemed so heavy that I even didn 't try to get free . But I didn 't cry - he shouldn 't have worried . " Good , " he pressed me to his chest . The warmth coming from his body and his smell - of sharp eau de cologne and tobacco - cloaked me . For a moment I felt so weak that it seemed I couldn 't stand upright . Protection of his embrace and his presence felt almost unbearably good . " I 'm glad I don 't have to be embarrassed for you , Danny . " We walked out and he locked the door . I watched how he turned the key in the lock and listened to a small chant beating in my temples : I see it for the last time . . . we 'll never come back here again . The apartment was sold and soon new tenants would live here - those who would know nothing , would feel nothing . For them it would be just a place ; and everything I knew and remembered about it - about its air suffused with death , about broken mirrors , about her screams and whispers - I had to forget it . Lock the door and throw away the key . Even if it wasn 't so easy to do . In the car I wished my uncle hugged me again . He didn 't ; he wasn 't into cuddling . But gestures didn 't mean much ; what he 'd done for me was more than any sloppy sentimentality . He hadn 't sent me to an orphanage . He 'd come from America next day after my mother 's death . I hadn 't seen him before , which was not surprising : my father 's brother had emigrated from Romania many years ago and at first it wasn 't permitted to keep contacts with him and then . . . then my father died , so , we got out of touch . But when I stayed alone , it was my uncle who 'd come to help me . I looked askance at his harsh face with broken nose - he didn 't look like my dad at all ; my uncle was so much older - and bigger : broad , even stout but undoubtedly strong . I liked it . I liked him being strong . During the last year I was so tired of being the strong one , of being the one to rely upon . . . My uncle was a well - off man . His house in Georgetown , Washington DC somehow suited his appearance - it wasn 't new but solidly built and seemed to be able to last a hundred years . I liked this house ; actually I liked everything in the USA . The less everything here reminded me Romania , the better it was . I started attending school again ; it turned out I did quite well even though I had missed almost half a year at home . I was a bit nervous if I would find any friends here , with my not - so - fluent English and everything , but it worked out fine . My uncle was pleased how I was doing . " Telling the truth I worried you 'd be a trouble , Danny , " he said once when we talked , after having supper ; during the meals we usually kept silent - he said you should concentrate on eating then . " I don 't get along with children too well . However , you aren 't a child , are you ? You 're fourteen . And in any case , you 're a fine young man . " I had my own room that I furnished up to my taste - and my uncle even rarely came in there , giving me a lot of privacy . I didn 't have many duties : twice a week a woman came , cleaned the house and cooked - and I only had to reheat supper - not microwave it but reheat it in the oven because my uncle didn 't like all those things with microwaves . But for me it wasn 't laboring at all ; taking care of my mother , I 'd learned to do a lot more . My uncle used to be a doctor . When being young , he 'd spent a few years as a member of some fantastic expeditions in barely explored regions of Africa . All the walls in his sitting - room were adorned with masks made of dark , smooth wood . I liked to look at them and at other exotic things he owned - some of them were completely crazy , like that necklace made of . . . well , of penises . And in a closed glass box he kept a withered black head , size of a fist - as he said , it was a present given to him by a tribe chief . My uncle wasn 't a practicing doctor any more . As he said himself , he made a better businessman than a doctor . Now he owned a pharmaceutical company and seemed to be happy to get me acquainted with this business . With all this interesting life - school , new friends , home - I almost didn 't have time left to think about the past - to think about her . Or maybe I tried so hard to occupy all my time not to think . And that 's why she sometimes came to me at night , when I couldn 't put a barrier between her and me . The only door in the house that always stayed shut was the door to the basement . Quite a while had passed before I noticed it - and even longer before I paid attention . There was nothing special in it - well , just a door - and there were lots of other interesting places in the house that I could explore . Okay , it answered the question . We didn 't need an ice - room , we had a fridge - and we didn 't store much food at home anyway . Some time later I still decided that I wanted to know everything in the house and asked Marcia , the woman who cooked for us , for the basement key . When everything is fine , a man starts searching for adventures . For me this kind of adventure was the basement . How could it be otherwise ? Everywhere else in the house I could walk unimpeded , I even could stop by at my uncle 's study whenever I wanted . And there - a locked door ! Just like in the tale about Blue Beard . My father had read my this tale when I was a kid - and had done it so well that I couldn 't sleep without light for several nights . . . and my mother yelled at him for scaring me although he did it without premeditation - just wanted to impress me . A couple of times I even tried to talk my uncle into going down to the basement , under some far - fetched pretexts . Deep at heart I was sure there was nothing more fascinating than some junk accumulated for years - but I had to see it with my own eyes . Yet both times my uncle refused - although he didn 't seem to be worried . " What , there is not enough space for you in the house , Danny ? " he asked . Of course , I said there was enough . " Then stop pestering me . And don 't you know curiosity killed a cat ? " And when once at night I woke up hearing the stairs creak under the heavy steps of my uncle , I quietly slipped out of the bed and looked out . It was all so silly , I realized it - he probably simply walked down to have a snack at night . But then I looked and saw he was unlocking the basement door . And I had to know what was there ! My uncle entered , closed the door after himself - it clicked , locking . I lay in bed for a long time , waiting to hear him come back - but fell asleep before it happened . Next day , coming home after school , I searched the drawers of his table . I felt so ashamed - at the daylight I felt like a bastard . My uncle was so kind to me - and I even didn 't have enough conscience to leave his secret alone , whatever it was . Come on , Danny , I cheered myself . Yeah , start exploring an old ice - room and dusty trash . However , it didn 't smell with dust there . I reached my hand , groping on the wall . The light switched on . My first thought was that the basement didn 't look like I imagined it would . And my second thought was that there was someone there . It was such an unmistakable feeling of presence - and exactly because the idea of it was so absurd , I felt even more scared . And the interior down there didn 't look like anything satanic . On the contrary , it was very modern - stainless steel . . . some medical equipment ? I seemed to have seen something like that at the hospital where I visited my mother . I walked down slowly ; I wasn 't afraid of anything that had to do with medicine . And it explained things , didn 't it ? My uncle probably stored there his medical things he didn 't need any more . I saw him when I was already downstairs . I knew there was someone , felt it , even though tried to deny it . And as it happened , when I actually saw him , I was scared less than before . I walked around a metal table and felt someone looking at me . I turned and met a gaze of widened dark eyes . For a moment it seemed to me I didn 't see anything else - just these eyes looking at me ; and then I saw the rest : his very pale , somehow wild face framed with long strands of black hair . It was a man ; he lay on something like an iron bed - or was it not a bed but a grate ? - I knew it was a man despite his long hair because I could see his genitals - he didn 't have any clothes on him . And something else was terribly wrong about him but for some reason my mind refused to register what it was . But I couldn 't stop looking . I understood suddenly what was wrong with his body - and realizing this , I covered my mouth with a hand not to cry out . Of course I knew such things happened - had seen it before , in a movie - but never in real life , never like that ! His arms and legs . . . he didn 't have them . His arms ended right below the shoulders and his legs at the thighs - and there was nothing else , just pink scars . The man shook his head , tossing long strands of hair away from his face , looked at me again . He didn 't ask me to turn away any more - on the contrary , his dark eyes on the pale delicate face devoured me . He probably was just a few years older than I was . . . It was a stupid question , so stupid , but I couldn 't stop myself . There was something terribly wrong that he was there , in this icy basement . . . and what kind of accident could turn him into . . . into this . . . I suddenly noticed that he didn 't just lie on the grate but a collar fastened him to it - and a belt around his narrow waist tied him to it , too . " No ! Don 't touch me ! " he flinched , his eyes became mad and I shrunk back . My fingers seemed to be burnt with cold - his skin was icy . " Go away ! Don 't tell anyone that you saw me - that you were here . If he comes , he won 't like you 're here , he 'll hurt you . . . " And only a moment later I understood what exactly I said . Till now I couldn 't even think that my uncle could . . . could have something to do with it . But . . . what else could I think ? " His nephew , " I said . Apart from this answer , my mind felt void . I didn 't know what to say . I didn 't know what to think . " Why is it so cold here ? " " An ice - room , " he showed with his chin at the half - opened door . Cold air spread from there . I mechanically walked to the door , closed it - this cold was unbearable . When I came back , Vincent looked at me with some tormented attention . " It 's wrong . . . " I knew I said something ridiculous ; I should 've said - done - something completely different . But I felt numb , so helpless . " You . . . you 'll get sick , you 'll get pneumonia - it 's so cold here ! " I looked around . There was no blanket , no nothing to cover him - but I couldn 't leave him like that . There was something shameful in his being naked . I took off my school jacket and put it over him . The thought that it was enough to cover him - his legs and arms didn 't stick out - was stunning . What for ? This thought made me mute , so sharp it was . What for was my uncle doing it ? No , I couldn 't believe it at all . I knew my uncle - I lived next to him for months - I knew his good - hearted manners , his laughter , warm touch of his big palm on my shoulder . " No ! You won 't do anything . You won 't call for anyone . You 'll just leave now , switch off the light and lock the door - and you 'll forget that you 've ever been here . " Through all the evening I wanted to ask him , to tell him what I 'd seen and demand explanations . But I couldn 't . He told me about the progress in his company , asked me about school , sitting in the armchair at the chimney and smoking his cigar - and I couldn 't make myself ask him . I returned after school knowing that I 'd do it again - take the keys again and go down there . A part of me believed that I 'd do it to make sure it was just a dream , a vision - like the ghost of my mother I sometimes saw at night . Today the basement would be empty . . . would be different . Without thinking I took him in my arms , raised him , taking him from the rail , unclasping the belt . He was so light - it was almost unreal , but of course it was like that . I felt how a strand of his hair brushed on my lips - it had happened to me before . . . the weightless body in my arms , the long hair . . . " Why . . . why did he do it ? " I almost cried . A surge of terrible anger flooded me - I never knew I could feel something like this towards my uncle . " Why did he hang you like this ? What , was it because of me ? Because I saw you ? " Vincent shook his head , his hair fell and I saw that the left side of his face was black and blue . It hadn 't been like that yesterday . . . I recalled the broad , heavy hands of my uncle . " Why ? " My anger and pity were so strong that I didn 't even feel guilt towards my uncle at the moment . " You . . . you don 't understand what you say . . . " I stopped still . It didn 't come to my mind . Perhaps I was used to seeing things that others would find disgusting . And after the first moment of shock I didn 't notice what was wrong with him . . . and his scars were so thin and well - healed , unlike the scars on the chest of my mother . I raised him in my arms and held him above the sewer hole in the floor . It didn 't shock me to do it - there had been times when I helped my mother with it . I was just angry . . . why couldn 't my uncle do it convenient for him - why did he have to choose between keeping it or soiling himself ? " When you go to the basement , Danny , " he said walking down and I , as if hypnotized , just stood and looked at him , " always close the door behind yourself . Then it 'll lock and only someone who has the key or knows where to push can open it . And no sound will be heard outside - I made the basement soundproof on purpose . " " Why what ? Why is he here ? I 'll tell you . Because he 's mine . And I can do whatever I want to him . " This sight was so obscene . . . and somewhat harrowing . I saw how Vincent 's stumps jerked up as if he tried to do something - and this gesture made my stomach twist up . I wanted my uncle to stop touching him , wanted it to be over ! " Illegal ? " he peered at me . " Then why didn 't you inform police about it yet ? You had almost twenty - four hours for doing it , Danny . " " Yes , " I whispered . I knew if I answered differently , I would be done with . My uncle wouldn 't risk letting me hold his secret . But at the same time the truth was that I didn 't lie to him . It wasn 't true . . . but it also was true . Vincent really asked me for help . I felt going red , so hard that tears nearly sprang from my eyes . Then I nodded . " He should be punished for it , " my uncle said . His big hands clasped on Vincent 's ribcage , raised him so easily as if he really was a toy , turned him face down . " Right , Danny ? " " Then punish him , " he said . The buckle of his belt made a soft sound , unclasping . He pulled the belt out of his pants and handed it to me . " Come on , hit him . " If I refuse , he won 't spare me , I thought . If I refuse , I . . . I won 't ever see Vincent again . For some reason this thought struck me badly even though I should 've worried more what he could do to me and Vincent . I took the belt , clenched the buckle in my hand . I tried not to look at Vincent 's narrow back - or I wouldn 't be able to do it . I raised my hand and lashed the belt across his back . The swish of the belt and the sound of the blow seemed deafening - but even more shocked I was with the sensation of the leather meeting skin . I had never hit anyone before . Even I was never hit with a belt - my dad only slapped me sometimes when I behaved too naughty . It seemed the air became too thick in my chest - I couldn 't breathe . I looked at the pink line that crossed Vincent 's back and couldn 't take my eyes away from it . I raised the belt again and hit again , and again , and again . Pink swollen lines appeared one after another , crossing Vincent 's buttocks , his spine , his sharp trembling shoulder - blades . I hit and hit , with all my strength , fearing to stop , fearing to pull the punches because I knew my uncle would notice it . I couldn 't do anything , couldn 't say anything to Vincent , to explain that I did it not because I liked it but because I was afraid to find out what my uncle would do if I didn 't . My hand went numb . I gasped for air but I knew I couldn 't stop . It took so much effort - and I even didn 't notice at the first moment when my uncle came up to me , unzipped my pants and started masturbating me . " I knew you 'd like it , " he whispered over my ear when under his hand my cock grew erect and hot . I clenched with shame , with impossibility to get free from his hand . And at the same time . . . I liked what he did . Excitement flooded me , intoxicatingly sharp . I was choking . And through the loud sound of my panting I heard short muffled groans Vincent made at every blow . " Hit him in the groin , " my uncle said . " Aim well . " I obeyed . The belt lashed ; it seemed I heard the sound of tearing skin . I saw blood coming from Vincent 's bitten through lip . He made a convulsive choked shriek . I stopped thinking , I only raised my hand and hit . I stopped seeing what I was doing - my vision was darkened . I couldn 't look at Vincent 's face or at his groin . But even through the noise in my ears I kept hearing his helpless cries . " Enough , " suddenly my uncle 's hand caught my wrist . Instinctively I tried to break free but his fingers clasped hard like a steel cuff . He took the belt out of my hand . The buckle imprinted in my palm deeply and I didn 't even notice it . " Now take him , Danny . You want it , don 't you ? " Yet I couldn 't move . Then my uncle led me up , pulled Vincent 's thighs apart , set my cock against the soft ring of his anus - and pushed me a little . I pressed - and slid into Vincent 's body , almost without meeting resistance . I said I entered easily but in fact the entrance wasn 't loose . Inside Vincent it was tight - delightfully tight , warm and wet . As if a soft palm was wrapped around my cock . I didn 't need my uncle to push me any more . I couldn 't stop - slid in and but with deep , smooth movements . I felt my balls press against Vincent 's buttocks at every thrust , felt his ballsac touch my pubis . The contact between our bodies was so complete - never before , in no other pose I had sensed it . I obeyed , ran my fingers over Vincent 's nipples , feeling the heat of pulsing blood under the thin skin . I hadn 't never done it before . . . my mother . . . she didn 't have nipples , you see . For a little while his nipples stayed soft , then went erect . " Bite him , " my uncle said . I leaned , took one of Vincent 's reddened nipples in my mouth . " I want to see him bleed . " A moment before I clenched my teeth , I touched Vincent 's nipple with my tongue , licked it - and it was all I could do to let him know . . . perhaps he didn 't even notice it . I bit . For the first time I understood how much effort it took to break the skin . Vincent 's body jerked , he moaned . A thin trickle of blood ran over his ribs . His groan and convulsive movement giving away his pain seemed to surge into me , through my cock buried in his body . I shuddered . It was unbearable . . . too beautiful . I slammed into him , swift , in short ragged motions - until a wave of sweeping orgasm took me . Then I froze , my cock deep inside him . Vincent 's huge dark eyes looked at me - but I couldn 't bear his stare . I shouldn 't have looked at him if I was supposed to go through all this . I brought my cock , smeared in semen and mucus , to his lips . Even on porno snaps on the Net I had never seen anything like this ! His cock was as long as my forearm and wider than my wrist . Dark veins swelled under red , glistening skin . It entered not just his mouth - but deeper , I saw Vincent 's throat expand with this huge object pushing into him . He made choking , tormented sounds - and the cock slammed into his throat violently . There was spittle trickling over his chin , and in his eyes there was such suffering that I clenched my fists , trying desperately not to scream . At some moment my uncle stopped using his mouth and raised Vincent from the grate . His cock was wet with spit . In one motion my uncle shoved Vincent down on this shaft . Vincent 's head jerked convulsively ; a choked scream escaped his lips . I saw blood leaking on the inner side of his thigh . " Do you know , Danny , why I never married ? " My uncle 's breath was heavy , panting but he kept raising Vincent and shoving him down on his cock . " No woman could bear my dick inside her . That 's why I couldn 't find a male lover as well . But this body accepts everything I give it . " Vincent 's head sagged , his hair brushed against his chest but my uncle didn 't stop . And all this time he looked at me - so , I couldn 't even turn away . But maybe if he hadn 't looked , I still wouldn 't have turned . I was hypnotized . Suddenly he yanked Vincent off and threw him down on the grate . Vincent cried out with an impact - and at the next moment the cock pierced him again . But now my uncle 's hands were free - and he pulled and twisted Vincent 's nipples , mauled his ballsac and cock . Now Vincent moaned constantly . His moans sounded with such agony that I didn 't know how I could stand it without covering my ears . It seemed to me it was going on for hours until my uncle finally went still in orgasm , just his hips trembled . At last my uncle raised him , wet and with his teeth chattering , and threw him on the grate . Habitually he took out a syringe and stuck the needle into Vincent 's shoulder , then put the collar on him and locked the belt . This time he put Vincent face down . We walked upstairs and my uncle switched off the light , leaving the basement in complete darkness . Darkness and cold . . . The heavy door slammed shut , the key turned in the lock . " Did I like it ? I . . . it was the best time in my life , sir , " I muttered . I couldn 't afford sounding insincerely , couldn 't afford a moment of hesitation . I didn 't expect this question . But I knew I had to answer . After everything that happened , after everything I had done - the thought that it was in vain and I wouldn 't see Vincent again was unbearable . " I liked . . . that he 's so helpless , " I said hoping that my uncle would take the quiver in my voice for excitement . " That I can do to him whatever I want . And I don 't need to . . . stop myself . " " I 'm glad you understand me so well , Danny . " My uncle 's palm touched my cheek . " I knew we 'd get along . We 're blood related , after all . Even though your father was always a soft one , I was afraid you went after him . . . You surely want to know how I managed to get a toy like that , " he continued . " Well , I 'll tell you . In fact I myself created this body - this perfect creature . I created it from an ordinary young man . " He walked to the safe and returned in a few seconds with a photo . I took it . It was of a dark - haired young man , maybe , twenty years old , with short hair and in sun - glasses . The pic was taken in some attraction park , in front of a merry - go - round full of children . The young man was dressed in jeans and a t - shirt and his long arms rested on the rails of a wooden fence . In the corner of the pic I noticed the date when the photo was taken - four years ago . So , at the present Vincent must 've been about twenty - four . But now , with his long hair and waxen pale face , he looked younger than on the pic - unbearably vulnerable , like a child . " You see there was nothing special about him , " my uncle said . " I won 't bore you telling how I got hold on him . It 's enough to say that all who knew him consider him dead . I won 't tell you how much effort it took me to make him accept his new position of my slave . As a matter of fact , he didn 't stop causing trouble until I turned him into a body completely . Injections helped as well , of course , weakening his will . . . " I started with his left arm , " my uncle said . " Then I had to power shock him to cope with him . I knocked him out and when he came round , he was already tied to the grate . He looked at me defiantly - he didn 't know what I was going to do - and I decided not to explain him . " I took his left arm and tied it above a brazier . Then I stirred up embers . His screams . . . I can 't describe how desperately he screamed . He forgot his pride , his hatred to me - he was ready to do anything only to make me stop . The fire was small - but it made it only worse , his nerves were not burnt out . . . and it made it last longer . I used special drugs that dulled pain a little - exactly enough to prevent him from going insane - and at the same time they prevented him from losing consciousness . He screamed and thrashed . If I hadn 't fastened him particularly firmly , he would 've torn the belts . Well , he did break his arm - heightening his agony even more . His skin was bloated with Blood rushed away from my face . I didn 't know how I didn 't vomit listening to it . My muscles ached from keeping my face expressionless - but fortunately my uncle was too carried away with his story to notice it . " I started slicing off the muscles from his bones , layer after layer . By that time he couldn 't even scream , you know , lost his voice . His eyes were half - crazy . I cut off his flesh and put the bits into his mouth - and covered his nose and mouth to make him swallow . Even stunned with pain , he still understood what I was forcing him to do . He almost threw up but I closed his mouth until he swallowed everything . Then I put out the fire . " When I came back , later that day , he almost managed to break free . You must give him a credit - he was stubborn . I don 't know how many times he lost consciousness trying to get untied but he nearly succeeded . But I tied him up again , stirred up the embers and went on . I finished it next morning , when there were no nerves left in his arm . By then he stayed lucid only thanks to drugs . It was dangerous to continue - so , I amputated his arm . On the part that I cut off there was still some flesh and I fed it to him for a few next days . " It was weeks before he got well again . And something was really broken in him . I don 't know if it was because of pain - or because of realization that he swallowed his own flesh . But he stopped resisting me when I raped him - just turned away and didn 't look at me . His shoulder caused him pain for a long while - but I knew when I brushed my fingers against it , he shuddered not only with pain . " I didn 't think he 'd be able to go through the same with his right arm , so I simply cut it off , having him a bit drugged . If you could see how beautiful he was then , in his helpless state ! Almost more beautiful than now . Then I still allowed him to wear clothes . He could 've tried not to dress and to spare himself all the pain but he always struggled to put his clothes on , even if he knew I would tear them off next moment . His cut - off arms under the sleeves of a t - shirt seemed broken wings of a bird . " And he still had that pride - still tried to take care of himself . You should 've seen how he brushed his teeth , holding the tooth - brush between his knees . I loved to see shame on his beautiful face when he couldn 't cope with his zipper . I wanted to make him eat like a dog , lapping from a bowl - but it would be just a good chance for him to starve to death , and I turned to forced feeding . Then I could exactly control how much he 'd eat . " His legs I took away from him in sleep . And his shock when he came round and saw the stump of his body rewarded me for all those screams that I could have heard from him had I done it while he was lucid . He begged me so much to kill him . . . I even promised him that . I promised I 'd kill him when I get tired of him . He still hopes I will . Next day I could barely sit through the classes . Oh I could 've informed police of everything that happened - my uncle trusted me enough to let me go . But I couldn 't . Was it because of the fear of my uncle - fear that got under my skin ? Or was it because of Vincent 's words when he begged me not to call for anyone ? I came after school and the keys were in their place . My uncle wasn 't at home . I unlocked the basement door with shaking hands , ran downstairs and unfastened the belt . Vincent 's face was deathly pale , his lips almost blue - and his body was icy . Around the welts his skin was black with bruises . I raised him in my arms . " You may not take him out of the basement , " my uncle said yesterday . " Never do it . " But at least I could . . . I hastily wrapped Vincent in a warm blanket . It wasn 't enough to warm him up ; I hugged him , pulling the blanket around both of us , pressing him to my chest , trying to give him some warmth of my body . His thin ribs rose under my hands convulsively and I felt how subconsciously he leaned towards me seeking for warmth . I pressed my lips to his hair . " I couldn 't do anything - if he found out that I . . . " I knew Vincent couldn 't eat normally , after being fed through a tube ; that 's why I brought him only mashed vegetables and chocolate cream . I thought he 'd like chocolate cream . He didn 't say anything else , just let me feed him . When I finished , he whispered : Strange but I flushed with pleasure - as if it was my merit , as if it wasn 't just a habit , experience I got thanks to my mother . Joy mixed with shame flooded me . Yes , I could do something to make Vincent feel better . I couldn 't protect him but at least I could do something . And the feeling of the weight of his helpless body leaning against the crook of my elbow made something clench inside me , desperately and sweetly . I knew it wasn 't a good feeling - not a clean one . Perhaps it was just the other side of the feelings my uncle had , I suddenly thought . He liked to hurt Vincent - and I liked to hold him - but for both of us he was just an object . I didn 't lie to my uncle yesterday saying that most of all I liked Vincent 's helplessness . I helped him and then I held him again under the blanket , warming him . I didn 't need to talk , I didn 't need to do anything - it was enough to have him like that , to feel how his chest moved with breath next to mine . I could spend all my life this way . " Danny , " he said suddenly . I looked at him ; the gaze of his huge dark eyes seemed strangely soft . " Danny , can you do something for me ? " I froze . No . . . No , I couldn 't do it . Inside , I was screaming . Whatever else - but not that ! Yet how could I refuse - I couldn 't deny his request . Next days a certain routine occurred . My uncle came home after work and we together went down to the basement . In his presence I raped Vincent - and watched how my uncle did it . Often he made me do other things as well , hurt Vincent - and I did it , couldn 't refuse . But when my uncle was away , I went to the basement alone - and then I could do what I really wanted : could hold Vincent in my arms , stroke his hair , talk to him . I thought that at least for a few hours a day I could spare him from cold , could relieve his suffering . I brought food to him - what he could eat - what I thought he could enjoy . I thought it could make him feel a bit better . " It 's no use , Danny , " he sighed . " It 's because of injections . He doesn 't want me to enjoy it , even by chance . . . " I didn 't know if my visiting Vincent brought him any relief . Sometimes , walking down the stairs , I noticed in his eyes such agony that my heart fell . But warmth and my presence couldn 't be worse that cold and loneliness , could they ? I went red . I hadn 't been able to make myself do it , after all . And at the next moment the thought how my uncle could know it struck me . " Surely there are cameras all around , " he grinned . " And I know everything about your lovely pastime in the afternoons . What do you think , Danny , why I never feared that you 'd betray me ? I have tapes and tapes of you torturing the poor cripple - enough to send you to prison or to a loony bin for years . " So , " he continued , " I made my mind to keep my promise to Vincent . I 'll kill him . This weekend . We 'll kill him - I and Danny , right , Danny ? " As if hypnotized , I nodded . It probably was no use to pretend any more . But I . . . I knew how much Vincent wanted to die - I shouldn 't do anything that could anger my uncle , make him change his mind . He turned on the TV . On the screen there was the same basement , looking very similarly . The counter in the corner of the screen showed date and time . Four and half years ago . My uncle appeared in front of the camera , looking younger and even a bit thinner than now . " Well , " he declared looking right at us , " so , it 's time for me to part with the body . I spent so many pleasant hours in its company but all things eventually come to the end . However , I can 't let my toy leave just like that . Since I decided to let him go , I should do it in such way that will please me most of all . And it should be a special event for him as well . " The camera shifted a little - so that I could see a grate , much like the one Vincent was tied to . But this time on it there was a limb - less body of a man with almost waist - long blond wavy hair . I saw a few ugly scars on his body , as if bits of flesh were torn from there - and between the strands of his hair I saw that his nipples were gone . " Oh come on , " he said grudgingly . " Yes , it 's Chris , my brother . I always dreamed of having him all for myself . And eventually I managed to have him . " I shook my head . I wanted to pass out not to think about it , not to hear my uncle 's voice . I wanted to die , wanted it all to be just a nightmarish dream , wanted to wake up . Sharp pain pierced my arm and I saw how my uncle put away an empty syringe . " I had no doubts how my brother should die , " my uncle continued in front of the camera . " There was only one choice - you can guess which one . But I also wanted it to last as long as possible - to get as much fun as I could . Again I felt like screaming . Without this long hair my father 's face became even more familiar . I hadn 't forgotten him through all those years , so many times thought about him , touched his photos . . . I could see him every time I closed my eyes . " Chris knows there is nothing more delicious for me than his flesh , " my uncle continued . There was a short curved knife in his hand . " The pleasure I felt when his blood splashed into my mouth could be compared to nothing . But this time I want to do everything right . " I saw how he cut a stripe of skin on my father 's chest , flayed it off . My father made an agonized moan when salt was poured on the bare red flesh . My uncle went on - flayed new stripes of skin , put salt . My father screamed , bleeding , his body covered in wounds - and I looked at it . I looked how my uncle cut him like a piece of meat . The camera moved , showing a big brazier with glowing embers . And then for the first time I realized my uncle was not alone in the basement , there was something who recorded it . For a moment the camera caught the cameraman 's hand , with a big exotic ring on a finger . The flame was extinguished . And then - impossible - my uncle suddenly went down on his knees in front of my father . A moment later he sank his teeth into the genitals of my father . I don 't know how long it went on . Several times I felt that my brain refused to function - but I couldn 't lose consciousness - as well as my father couldn 't . He screamed and my uncle gnawed between his legs . Finally everything was over - his private parts were gone ; instead of them there was just a bleeding wound . " You know , Chris , you have never been more beautiful , " my uncle whispered . Blood was getting dry on his face . Suddenly he unzipped his pants and took out his erected cock . With his fingers he spread the entrance to my father 's body - the open wound of urethra - simply tore it and thrust his cock inside . My father 's eyes rolled up ; he convulsed in pain . My uncle must 've been too excited - it took him only a few minutes to finish . He came and retrieved his cock , thickly coated in blood . " So , let 's go , " he said . " But the grate won 't do . I 'll need to turn him , won 't I ? " " That 's better . " He set it against my father 's anus and shoved it inside . I heard another wild cry . Blood poured from my father 's mouth . What happened next I barely can describe . He roasted still alive body of my father . After a while he cut his belly open and took the inner organs from there , first one , then another , still attached to the body , and put them on the coals . Through all this my father stayed alive and conscious . He probably lost his mind - but he still felt pain even though his screams became soundless - his vocal chords were torn . Sometimes my uncle sliced off pieces of flesh and put into my father 's mouth . It went on for hours . I was rigid , frozen . I could see and hear but my feelings seemed to go numb . In the end my uncle cut off my father 's tongue , then started burning his face , cut off his nose and ears . And only when in this terrible , covered with blood creature there was nothing human , he broke my father 's ribcage and ripped out his heart . Only when the screen finally went dark , I came round . I wept so hard that I choked - and I didn 't hear a word of what my uncle said to me ; so , at last he took me in his arms and carried away from the basement . And in my blind despair I clung to him as if he was the only stable thing in my life . He gave me another injection and I fell asleep - and in the morning he gave me one more shot - so that I could get up and walk to school . I couldn 't cry any more , because of the medicine . . . or maybe I simply had no more tears . I sat in the classroom , staring in front of myself dumbly . A few hours later a thought struck me . He said we 'd do it on the weekend - but what if he lied to me ? Yesterday when I was crying I noticed almost nothing around . But today the memory of Vincent 's white face , drawn with shock , came back to me , as well as his unblinking stare as he looked at the TV screen . I didn 't say anything at school , didn 't ask for a leave - then they would 've contacted my uncle . I simply skipped it , caught a taxi and went home . My uncle was there - I saw his car in the garage . Yet it was silent in the house . I walked up to the basement door and pressed on the wall - my uncle had shown me where to press . The door opened ; there was light in the basement . My uncle turned around , hearing my steps . In his hand there was a short curved knife . The words froze on his lips as he saw a rifle in my hands . I shot from both barrels . The noise was deafening . Two wounds , scarlet - black , blossomed on his chest . He swayed and fell face down , without making a sound . I ran down the stairs , staggering . I was shaking . I couldn 't even say anything , there were just some mindless sounds breaking from my lips . Vincent looked at me with huge black eyes . On his left thigh there was a stripe of flayed skin . I ran upstairs with him , carried him to the bathroom , turned on the water . I couldn 't bear thinking about the traces of my uncle 's hands on them , I needed to wash them off . And there was salt on his cut , I had to wash it off , too . He moaned . " Water , " he whispered . His head fell back as if he was fainting , his lips went white . But he added . " The water is warm . " I washed him hastily . Blood kept leaking from the cut . I disinfected it and bandaged it . I didn 't let Vincent go , as much as I could help it - didn 't want to let him go even for a moment , as if he could disappear , as if it could become just a dream . He shivered ; I also was shaking . I carried him to my bed , slid under the blanket with him and wrapped it around both of us - as I used to do . I felt his wet hair under my cheek and then he tilted his head down , pressing my head to his shoulder . When I woke up , it was twilight - a bit past seven , I think . I felt how Vincent 's chest rose with breathing quietly . I looked up and saw him staring at me . In the near - darkness his eyes seemed even bigger - and unbearably sad . I didn 't want to let him go but I knew I had to . I sat up in the bed , rubbing my eyes . All my body ached dully . My brain seemed to ache as well but I still knew what I had to do . " No , Danny , " his voice was gentle but urgent . " I don 't need an emergency . If you feel something towards me , please don 't call for anyone . They won 't let me die , they 'll make me live as I am . They 'll see me as I am - my relatives , friends , they 'll know . . . " I looked at him not knowing what to do . A few hours ago it seemed to me that as soon as I saved him from my uncle everything would be all right . I killed the monster - so , I could become his prince . And for me he was always beautiful . . . but for others . . . " You always were kind to me , " he continued . " If you still want to do something for me - your uncle had medicines . Just one injection - and everything will be over , I 'll be free . No one will know . This medicine - they won 't be able to check the time when the injection was made . You 'll say your uncle did it - and you killed him defending yourself . Because you surely know whom he wanted to make his next toy ? " Did I know ? I shook my head - but then realized that I really knew . It wasn 't difficult to guess - my uncle told me all too often how much I reminded him my father . I bit my lips not to cry . Yes , I could do it , I would find the medicine - and I had seen so many times how my uncle made injections . Yet . . . I 'll do it , I thought . I 'll kill you . But the thought that Vincent would be no more , that I wouldn 't be able to have him in my arms any more , wouldn 't meet his eyes , hear his voice . . . it was unbearable . It was worse than death . Tears sprang from my eyes . I shook my head , trying not to cry . I shouldn 't have . . . I had to do what he asked me for . For it I needed all strength I had , couldn 't spend it on tears . Yet I couldn 't stop crying . I left him in the bed and went down , to the basement . The body of my uncle still lay face down , as before . Blood around his torso coagulated into thick jelly . I took him by the legs and dragged towards the ice - room . He was so heavy , seemed to be made of stone - but I knew I had to move him - so I did . The most difficult was to push him over the threshold of the ice - room but I managed . I dropped him right at the doorway . Vincent looked at the wine and said nothing . Did we have something to celebrate ? I helped him to sit up , lean against pillows . Eventually it turned out it was too much a nuisance to change forks all the time - so , we ate first from one plate , then from the other . We drank from one glass - and when I touched the brim with my lips , I fancied I could sense the warmth of his lips . Vincent blushed a little after drinking the wine and I also felt a bit giddy even though we drank very little . After the meal I brought a comb and tried to brush his hair . But it was dry and so tangled I couldn 't do it . " Do you want to watch TV ? " I asked . He nodded . We settled in the bed , he leaned against me . I took the remote and switched the channels as he told me . We decided for some old sitcom and watched it till half past one at night . Then we dropped to the bathroom and went back to bed , and I lay down next to him . And at night I suddenly understood that my uncle wasn 't really dead . He came round in the ice - room , got up - and somehow he managed to open the ice - room door . Now he walked up the stairs and already was opening the basement door . I heard how he knocked - I heard his steps - and I saw how he walked , his chest covered in blood . He held something in his hands - something he used to make his way through two locked doors . And at the next moment I understood what it was . He had two bloodied arms in his hands . I woke up screaming , jerking , trying to escape - and only a few seconds later I heard Vincent 's voice : Then I turned to him . He sat , covered with a blanket up to his chin - and he seemed almost normal like that , like an ordinary person - if not to look at the contours of his body under the blanket . His eyes were sad . In the morning I called to school and said I was sick . I said my uncle would send them a fax . They knew he was not very sociable , so , a fax should 've been enough . I myself printed it , forged his signature and sent from his study . " He 's a bit sick , " I said in a sufficiently mournful voice . " Some virus or something . The doctor said he should stay at home at least till the end of week . " Of course , it was just a temporary measure - I particularly clearly realized it at that moment . For how long could I lie without anyone asking questions ? Well , as for me , I could pick up my documents from school saying I was returning to Romania . But my uncle ? Could I say he left without warning anyone ? No one would believe . So , it was just a question of time when exactly police was going to get here . And then I won 't have any justification , I understood . Yesterday I could say that I had acted in the state of affect . But after my today 's efforts to cover my tracks . . . I wasn 't afraid of prison . I couldn 't think of never seeing Vincent again . If only we could stay together . . . alone . . . leave and start new life somewhere . But how was it possible ? I didn 't even have a driver 's license - and in any place Vincent would attract attention . If there had been a miraculous world where only two of us could live together , where no one would see us . . . maybe , there he would agree to live with me . I leaned to him and kissed him on the lips , and he responded to me . His mouth accepted my tongue and his tongue met mine . For the first time we kissed like that - and it wasn 't me who kissed him but he kissed me - and suddenly I felt like I was younger and less experienced than him . It had always been that he depended on me - and I had enjoyed this feeling . But at this moment he was stronger , he led me - and it felt even better . Yes , it was true . Down there , in the basement , under the stare of my uncle , I only unzipped my pants . I took off my clothes and embraced Vincent , feeling the warmth of his skin against mine . He wasn 't cold any more . The welts on his body - I had left some of them - were still rough , I could feel them . His nipples grew hard with the friction between our bodies . He spread his thighs letting me closer . His un - erected cock made me feel desperate , I wanted so much him to enjoy it , too - I would do anything for it . Maybe , I still could . . . I touched his groin . But I couldn 't . I won 't do it , I decided , until he can do it , too , until the effect of the medicines wears out . Too bad we probably didn 't have enough time . . . I took my cock in my hand stroking his face with the other hand - and my orgasm was stronger and sweeter than those I had felt when raping him , in the basement . " Silly , silly little boy , " Vincent said when I , worn out , lay with my cheek on his belly . " Look at me , " he said . I obeyed . " Lean closer . " I leaned and his stump touched my face . I sensed thin lines of healed scars . He stroked my face . And I knew that if never in my life I felt another touch , this alone would be enough for me . " Danny ! Danny ! " suddenly I heard him calling for me . I probably blacked out for a few moments . Vincent 's face was pale and serious . " There is someone in the house . " Doctor Steller . I felt my legs and arms grow shaky . So , it was the end . He was my uncle 's best friend , I wouldn 't be able to deceive him . He wouldn 't leave without seeing my uncle - the more so as he must 've seen the car in the garage . Everything was over . I looked at Vincent with haunted eyes , fearing most of all to see relief in his gaze . He knew I wouldn 't deceive him , I 'd kill him first . " So , what 's the shit with your uncle ? What kind of virus ? Let me see him - and he 'll be well again in a moment , " smiling , he walked upstairs . I could 've pushed him . He would 've rolled down the steep stairs , got knocked out - but wouldn 't have died . And then I could 've locked the door . How long would he stay alive there ? He didn 't have a cell phone - like my uncle , he thought those things roasted your brain . Perhaps a couple of days later he would 've dragged my uncle 's body from the ice - room and . . . " I . . . I . . . " for a moment it seemed he was going to start justifying himself . " I don 't know what you talk about , Danny . " " Surely you do , " I smiled . " But you probably had no idea that he taped you as well , while you taped him . He taped everything you did . He has dozens of tapes . " Doctor Steller didn 't have a choice . He did everything I told him to - signed a false death certificate for my uncle - he died of infarct according to it . At the crematorium , when all the evidence against me was getting burnt , Steller stood at my side . My uncle hadn 't left a testimony but I was his only relative - so , after a certain time the house and the stocks in his company became my property . Doctor Steller became my guardian . He also assisted me in taking my documents away from school and starting correspondence education ; he diagnosed me with autism - that 's why it was comparatively easy . Maybe one day I 'll decide to go back to school - but not yet . I seldom go out - I even order my purchases to be delivered home . I simply don 't want to leave Vincent alone . Not because I 'm afraid - no , I simply don 't want to . I don 't need anything else but to be with him . |
2063 : Humanity is on the edge of a new age . However , just like all other ages , this one is being met with fear . As mutants are becoming noticeable , gnts are in turmoil as to what to do . While people want laws to severely restrict them , others don 't want to do anything because after all , an overwhelming majority of these mutants are children . As he laid in his bed , he was perturbed about his situation . He felt his life was over as it was . He felt that he had been normal and was treated as such , but now , that was all different . Being a werewolf wasn 't exactly normal . Huh , his eyes got heavy with slumber . He yawned being tranquilized by the sound of crickets and the soft wind . He awoke to the sound of birds . He rubbed his eyes and realized he was human again . Was last night just a dream ? He got ready to start the day by going to take a bath . As he passed his desk he saw his jeans and realized what had transpired was not a dream . There was no time to dwell on last night because he had things to do . After taking a bath , he got dressed and went down for breakfast . Josh Jecong had managed to accept what he was , but he wasn 't sure if the outside world would accept him . He heard about the isolated cases of mutants being hurt and worried for his safety , but then it hit him . He was a werewolf and with the proper training , he would be able to protect himself because his father told him so . He wasn 't a mutant , but he knew people would treat him like one . He was also told that he should be careful as to who he tells about his secret . He couldn 't blame society because people where afraid of the unknown and what was feared was also hated . The kitchen was very busy . His mother already left . Since she was a lawyer , she left early and came home late . His father on the other hand worked regular hours managing a bookstore . He 'd drive Josh to school and then go on to work . His Grandmother would pick him up . " Dad did you tell anyone what you were ? " John said , " No , for years the only people that knew was my family . Your Uncle Joey was somewhat scared of me for days . However , he knew that it was important not to tell anyone . It wasn 't until I was well in High School that your other relatives were notified . I also notified my pastor and my doctor . Of course he passed the secret file to my new doctor . I 've asked him to start a file for you . In college , which was perhaps difficult to navigate , practically the whole university knew . It 's somewhat of a legend because I hear that students are still talking about it . Your Godfather Mike shares part of the blame . Now , you just go about your normal routine at school . Don 't try to listen to everything . The ability to smell and hear can overwhelm you , so just pay attention to the important things . " John stepped out of the car and said , " Bye Dad . See you this evening . " He went to class and while he was paying attention , his mind was more focused on the beast within trying to keep it calm . He felt that it could emerge at anytime . The teacher said , " Okay . Here 's what you 've all been waiting for . Hamsters . For the next week , we will study its habits because as you will discover , they are creatures of habit and will eventually act according to what we design . " Josh looked at the hamsters intently and he wanted so much to leap out of his chair grab one from the cage and eat it , but he came back to his senses . He wanted to eat live animals ? Yuck , but , they looked so delicious and he was so hungry . His mind was becoming a mess . Oh , no . He could feel fur starting to creep out of his skin and his teeth were just starting to become pointed . He had to think fast before the transformation began to become noticeable . He said , " Dr . McPherson ? Can I go to the washroom ? " The teacher said , " You may , but be quick . You may miss out on something . " Josh darted out of the classroom and into the nearest boy 's bathroom trying to pacify the beast telling it to rest and that it could make itself known that night , but the beast wanted to roam free now . He locked himself in the stall and got out of his clothes . He let the transformation happen telling the best half of him that it could let itself go . All he was thinking was that he would be a werewolf for a few minutes and then go back to class . Perhaps those few minutes would satisfy it . Dr . McPherson looked at his watch , tapped his feet , and said , " Mr . Hidalgo . Go to the bathroom and fetch your lost classmate . " Doug left the classroom and went to the nearest restroom . Doug was alone , so he decided to use his talent . He closed his eyes and tried to detect his friend 's presence . Sure enough he was in the middle stall , but he didn 't want to come out for some reason . He said , " Josh , the teacher wants you to come back to class now . Don 't be hiding . What are you afraid of ? " He got no reply . He knocked on the door and said , " If you don 't come out , I 'll get the teacher to force you out . " Josh was stunned . Just anyone else finding out was bad , but a teacher was worse . He unlocked the door , whimpered , and waiting for the scream . Doug sighed , " Oh Josh . Is that what 's wrong ? " Josh 's eyes widened . Was Doug mocking him ? His secret was found out after one day and knew his father was going to be angry . Doug said , " Can you try to be human again ? We have to get back to class before Doc sends another student . The less people who know about this , the better . " Josh concentrated and he went back to being human . He put his clothes back on and said , " Please don 't tell anyone my secret . " Doug laughed and said , " Sure , just as long as you don 't tell people mine . " Josh said , " Huh ? You have a secret ? " Doug said , " Yea . Look . " He took out a dollar bill and put it on the palm of his hand . He stared at it and it started to rise and float in the air . Josh said , " Are you what I think you are ? " Doug said , " Yea , I 'm a mutant and I have psychokinetic powers . The only people that know are my parents . So don 't tell anyone . You can tell your parents , but no one else . We both know why it 's important to keep secrets like these . Can I tell my parents you 're a werewolf ? " Josh said , " I guess so , but no one else . " The two friends went back to class . Dr . McPherson was a little perturbed , but forgot about it because he was more interested in the fact that they came back . At lunchtime , Doug and Josh were in the line . They couldn 't see what was offered for the day , nor did they know what was going to be served . Josh sniffed the air to try to guess what it was . He turned to Doug and whispered , " There serving chicken and cheese enchiladas . There 's also rice and refried beans . " They entered the serving room and that 's what was being served . After they handed their meal tickets to the lunch lady and headed to a table , Doug said , " How did you know ? " Josh smiled and said , " The nose knows . " Doug groaned at the pun . They sat down with their friends and didn 't talk about what had happened . Josh 's mind was clear and the beast didn 't trouble him for the rest of the day . The two friends said that they would see each other later . Josh went to the library so that he could study , but that was until 3 : 30 when his grandmother would pick him up . At that time he went outside and found his grandmother was already there . His 7 year old cousin Bobby was there as usual . He got in and said , " Hello Grammy Sue . " Susan Jecong said , " Hello Johnny . " Bobby said , " Hello Josh . " As she drove them to her house , where he would wait until 5 when Josh 's dad would pick him up , she said " So did it happen ? " Josh said , " What ? Oh , you mean the transformation ? Yes . " Bobby said , " What transformation ? " Susan said , " Becoming a werewolf . " Bobby said , " A werewolf ? Are you kidding ? " She said , " Didn 't your Daddy tell you about your Uncle John ? " The younger boy said , " Apparently not . " Josh said , " Is there a picture of my Dad as a werewolf ? He said there was . " She said , " Yes , but we kept it hidden so that no one would find out about his secret . I mean we told the entire family , both blood relatives and the in laws , but no one else except your father 's friend Mike , your father 's former doctor , and our priest . They took the secret to their graves . Except of the people I 've said , no one else knows . However , he was kidnaped when he was 16 , but nothing became of that , at least not yet . When we get home , I 'll show you a picture . You may think you have it rough , but your father had no one . Plus at least you and your father can communicate while in your other forms . It was difficult to tell was he was saying for months until we decided to take sign language lessons . " The first thing that they would usually do would be to start their homework , but they went with their grandfather into the attic . " Is the picture up here Grampy Al ? " Albert Jecong said , " Sure is Josh . " He turned on the light and looked around . The attic was full of old stuff including old video game consoles . Albert Jecong said , " Here 's where it is . He twisted the combination lock and opened the leather - bound trunk . He took out old photo albums and took out a simple steel box . He twisted its combination lock , opened it , and said , " Here we go . " The two cousins looked at the photo . There in the picture were their grandparents , Joey , and a large black and white werewolf wearing jeans and nothing else . The humans were smiling , but it was difficult to determine if the werewolf was smiling . Their grandfather then put everything back . The cousins got out the TV trays and got out their books . Bobby said , " Can you show me your werewolf side ? " Josh said , " Some time later , but a little for now . " He concentrated on his eyes and soon all the world 's color disappeared . Bobby said , " Your eyes are yellow now . What do you see ? " Josh said , " The same stuff , but its all colorless . " His eyes changed back and Bobby was satisfied with this . They continued their homework until their fathers picked them up . Joseph asked , " So , how did Josh take it that he was a werewolf ? " John said , " He took it pretty bad because we didn 't tell him . Hopefully , he 'll get over it . Did you tell Bobby ? " Joey said , " No . Remember how I took it . I didn 't feel he was ready to know . " John approached his son and asked , " How did school go ? " Josh said , " Okay I guess , but I almost lost myself . " John said , " You didn 't transform in class did you ? " Josh said , " No . I felt it beginning so I asked to be excused . I went to the restroom as fast as I could . I got in a stall , took off my clothes and transformed . " John groaned , " What caused you to transform ? " Josh said , " Hamsters . Lunch was still an hour away , and I was getting hungry . " John said , " I see . So no one found out . " Josh said , " Only Doug from my class . " John said , " How did he find out ? " Josh said , " Dr . McPherson sent him to get me . I tried to be silent . He found me and got me to get out of the stall . He asked if I could change back because the teacher told me to be quick so I changed back . " John asked , " How did he find you in the stall if you were being quiet ? " Josh whispered so that only his father would be able to hear . He said , " Doug 's a mutant because he has psychokinetic powers . " John said in a normal voice , " Was he scared ? " Josh said , " No . In fact he was kinda surprised by the fact that being in my werewolf form was the reason I didn 't want to leave . Am I in trouble ? " John said , " No . I hadn 't anticipated that you 'd see fresh prey the day after your first transformation . It must of looked delicious . I 'll need to train you on keeping watch on your urges because they can be overwhelming . " Doug told his parents what happened . They had been shocked a few months ago when their son started to develop strange powers . They had read the news about mutants and feared for their son 's safety . He told them how his secret was found out . He said , " I was in Biology class when Josh left suddenly to go to the bathroom . Dr . McPherson told me to get him when he didn 't show up . I went to the nearest one and used my power to see if he was there . He was , but I sensed that he didn 't want to leave . I managed to get him to open the stall and it turned out that he was a werewolf . " His mother said , " There 's no such thing . " Doug said , " There is . He was covered in black and white fur . His clothes were folded neatly on the floor I told him if he could become human to so because I didn 't want the teacher to get angrier so he did . He put his clothes back on and we went back to class . " His father said , " That doesn 't explain how he found out about your power . " Doug said , " He asked if I could keep his secret . I felt that it was only fair that he kept mine . That 's how he found out . " His parents were a little disappointed , but they felt their son acted appropriately and besides that was in the past . If one person revealed the other 's secret , he 'd only doom himself . That night , John and Josh transformed and then walked down . Lucy Jecong had gotten two chickens out of the oven . She set them in front of the two werewolves and they began to eat . She prepared a microwave meal for herself . She learned long ago that it wasn 't worth it to fix a meal for two when one ate a large portion of meat . Now there were two that would eat just meat at these times . She wished that the two would talk instead of eating . After years , she 'd know when her husband talked in his wolf form and now father and son were so preoccupied with eating . Soon the chicken became a pile of bones . Finally the two started to talk . She took the plates and threw the bones in the trash and went to go clean the kitchen . " We 'll begin training this weekend and I 'll teach you to alternate between forms easily . You need not fear the beast coming when you don 't want it to . Then we 'll begin on the Beast Rush . It 's very tricky to use and takes months to master . Hopefully , you 'll break my record . " Josh said , " Hey Dad , will you teach me to hunt ? " John said , " Sure , but it won 't take that much because it 's mostly instinct . You just need to identify smells . Do you remember what those hamsters smelled like ? " His son nodded . Who could forget a smell like that ? John said , " Well everything has it 's own smell . In the summer we 'll go camping and we 'll hunt and eat . Nothing 's more delicious than raw prey . " Josh rolled his eyes and exclaimed , " Oh , dad . " John snickered and the boy went back upstairs to complete his homework . John sat next down to his wife to watch TV . As much as they wanted satellite , there was no way that they could afford to have a luxury item such as that and feed two werewolves at the same time . Besides they had their DVD player and their assortment of DVDs . They liked all sorts of movies and had at least one title in every category . They did have local cable because the real money was to be made in satellite which would pick up stations from around the world , and there was no money to be made from cable subscriptions , so it gradually became free as compared to the early 21st century . Lucy leaned against John 's furry shoulder . He put his arm around her and they watched their favorite shows . They then watched the news and then it was time to go to bed . Josh came in and said something . John replied back . Lucy got closer to her husband and quickly fell asleep . John started to close his eyes when he heard a howl . Lucy woke up startled , but John motioned her back . He motioned in the air to indicate that it was their son . They then fell back asleep . In the morning at breakfast time , John said , " From now on , don 't get the urge to howl late at night . Your mother was startled . " Josh said , " Sorry , I couldn 't help it . " John said , " Well try not to . " John started to look grim and Josh said , " What ? " John said , " What happened ? Certainly those dogs said something sad . " Josh looked sad and said , " Well one of them said that an old homeless dog got run over earlier today . Been homeless since he was a pup . Didn 't even see it coming . " John said , " That is sad , but we all gotta go at some time . " The next day , Josh and Doug talked about telling their parents the secrets . They were glad that they didn 't get into too much trouble and their secrets were safe . Josh said , " Last night I heard about the saddest thing . " Doug said , " What ? " Josh said , " I heard that an old homeless dog got run over . " Doug said , " How did you find that out . " Josh said , " The next door neighbor 's dog told me . She said it happened during the day . " Doug said , " You can talk to dogs ? " Josh said , " Yes . I found out the same night I became a werewolf . You see I ran away because I was scared at what my parents would do . I passed the neighbor 's backyard and the dog that lived there wondered who I was because she never saw me before . I said , ' It 's me Josh . I live next door . ' She said , ' But Josh is human . ' So I said , ' It turns out I 'm a werewolf . ' She said , ' Where are you going ? ' I said , ' I 'm running away from home . I don 't want my parents to see me looking like this . ' She replied , ' Good luck . ' I had only gone a few blocks when I ran into my dad . I didn 't even know it was him until my mother said so . " Doug said , " Wow , I wish I could do that . I can only communicate with humans telepathically . " Luckily no one heard their conversation or their secrets would of been found out . That day proceeded normally as possible . A few months later , during Winter Break , Doug called and wanted to know if Josh wanted to come to his house for a sleep - over . Josh said , " I 'll have to ask my parents . Are your parents okay with this ? " He said , " I asked them last night . They said it was . " Josh said , " Even though I 'm a werewolf ? Are you aware that I have special dietary needs ? " Doug said , " They are okay with you being one . Just what are these dietary needs do you have ? " Josh said , " I 'll call you back , but I eat after I transform and I like to eat a lot of meat or a whole chicken . It doesn 't need to be raw , but it 'd be nice . " Doug said , " I 'll check with my parents . But the idea is for the first night to be at my house and the next night at your house . " Josh said , " I 'll call you back . " Josh went to the living room to ask his parents . His father said , " Well just as long as they know what they are getting themselves into . " His mother said , " It would be nice to talk to someone else when the full moon is out . " That Friday , Josh pack a bag of things he needed and walked across the street . Doug 's mother , Mrs . Miranda Hidalgo , opened the door . She smiled and said , " Come on in . " Doug walked down the stairs and said , " Come to my room . Do you want to wait until after you change to eat with us , or should we go ahead and eat . " Josh said , " Well that depends on what time you usually eat dinner , but the moon 's going to rise in a few minutes . " Doug said , " Okay , I 'll go down to tell my parents to start cooking . We got you a rotisserie chicken . Is that fine . " Josh said , " Yea , it 's okay . " Doug went out of the room to tell his parents to start cooking . Josh looked at his watch . It was only a few minutes away so he changed into his other clothes . Doug came up back to the room and said , " They 've started . Can I see you transform ? Josh said , " Are you sure you ? " Doug said , " Yea . " Josh said , " All right , but don 't scream or anything . " Josh then winced in pain and he dropped to the floor . Doug was mesmerized by his friend 's transformation . He promised he wouldn 't scream and he didn 't . Josh got back up and stretched a bit . Doug said , " Well , are you ready to eat ? " His friend nodded . They walked out of the room and went downstairs to the dining room . " Doug had told his parents if they wanted to talk to Josh they would have to ask questions that were answered with a yes or a no . The parents were a little shocked when they saw a werewolf walk down the stairs behind their son , but diminished quickly . While they knew their son 's friend was a werewolf , it was their first time actually seeing one . No one could prepare for something like that because the human mind was wired to believe that such things didn 't exist . Doug and John sat together and the parents sat on the other side . Mrs . Hidalgo placed the large plate with the chicken before Josh . Doug and his family talked mostly and Josh just listened . Josh tried to be on his best behavior . Rather than just eating without pausing , he acted as if he was participating in the conversation . He 'd rip a piece out of chicken and eat it and turn to the person who was speaking . Then Mr . Alexander Hidalgo asked Josh a question . He asked , " Josh , when you 're in that form , are you pretty much the same ? " Josh nodded yes . Mrs . Rosa Hidalgo said , " Is that chicken delicious ? " Josh nodded yes again . Mr . Hidalgo asked , " Do you get cold at all during the winter ? " Josh shook his head no and rubbed his fur . The father said , " So the fur 's that warm ? " Josh nodded yes . The family finished the dinner at almost the same Josh finished the chicken . He picked up the plate to go throw the bones in the trash , but Mrs . Hidalgo said , " No . You 're our guest . You boys go upstairs and play . " Doug said , " Do you want to play some video games ? " Josh shook his head no and held up his paws wiggling his clawed fingers . Doug understood because how can one hold a controller made for human hands ? He said , " How about a board game ? " Josh nodded yes . Doug took out all his board games and pointed to each one . Josh nodded yes when Doug pointed to Monopoly . Despite the game being in existence for over 100 years , it was still popular after all these years . Besides the tokens of old like the hat and the car , new tokens had been added over the years such as the money bag and the most recent token was Uncle Pennybags . That particular token was added to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Monopoly 's creation and unlike the other tokens which looked silver , this one looked gold . Doug laid out the tokens on the floor and said , " Choose one . " Josh wanted to be funny and chose the dog . The two boys laughed , but Josh 's laugh sounded stranger . Doug chose Uncle Pennybags , divided the money and the game started . They set on a system that when Josh wanted something he would point it out . It took some time , but in a few hours , Josh won . It was then time to go to bed , so Doug put on his pajamas and Josh just got out of his pants . They two boys then went to go brush their teeth and took turns using the bathroom . Doug turned out the light and got in bed while Josh got in his sleeping bag and curled up . In the morning , Doug found Josh back to his human form starting to wake up . They took their baths and went down to breakfast . Mrs . Hidalgo asked , " Did you sleep good ? " Josh smiled and said , " Sure did . " After breakfast , they went back up to Doug 's room to play some video games . They played for a few hours , but it was time for lunch . They had sandwiches and potato chips . Afterwards , Doug packed his bags and the two boys went to Josh 's house . His mother was starting to make a chocolate cake . Doug whispered to Josh , " I though chocolate was bad for dogs . " Josh said , " Yea , it is , but then again , I 'm not a dog . Besides , I 've eating chocolate before in both forms . My dad has eaten chocolate for years . Our doctor says that because we 're different from both humans and canines , our body chemistries are different . Diseases have a difficult time affecting us because a disease has to have the ability to affect both human and wolf . However , just to be safe , our doctor has this veterinarian relative who gives us gives us the necessary medications for our wolf half while our doctor gives us what is needed for our human half . " His mother said , " When there is a full moon out I fix an extra large roast and divided into two or buy two chickens . They only eat that . " Doug asked , " What about vegetables ? " Josh said , " I eat vegetables at other meals . At full moon dinners , I only eat meat . " Doug understood somewhat what Josh went through as a werewolf . He hoped someday that he would understand his friend 's lycanthropy so well , he could imagine what it would be like to be one without actually being one . John Jecong returned home and said hello to his wife and the two boys . He went upstairs to change into more relaxed clothes . Josh said , " That reminds me . " He went upstairs to his room . The two guys came down quickly . The group sat down in front of the television to watch shows when they left suddenly . Doug asked where they went . Mrs . Jecong said , " They transform in the Comfort Room . They 'll be out soon . " They heard a canine sound and Doug turned around . He saw two werewolves . They had similar markings , but the larger one had black fur where the smaller one had brown fur . They pointed to their mouths . She said , " Dinner will be ready soon . How about you two go to the table . " The two werewolves went to the dining room and sat down at the table . Doug did likewise . There he sat between two werewolves . He knew they must be talking to each other because they were making wolfish sounds . She put a small roast in front of each werewolf and said , " Remember you can 't wolf it down like normal . We have a guest and I insist you two don 't be rude . " The two looked at each other oddly and started to laugh . Doug knew because he had heard Josh laugh before . They must of thought that the wolf pun was funny so he laughed also . Lucy just groaned and sat down . Her and Doug 's dinner was very different . They had rotisserie chicken , mixed vegetables , and a roll . The two teens kept their secrets for years , but there were times when they were almost were revealed . Josh had recently got his driver 's licence and had been driving for a few months . He spent one Friday evening at a friend 's house . It was late and he decided to call it a night and went home . Little did he realize that he was going to get caught in crossfire . HPD were alerted to a suspicious driver who was operating his vehicle oddly probably due to intoxication or influence from narcotics . The officer pulled the driver over and asked the routine questions . The driver tricked the officer by almost getting out of his vehicle , but then he sped of at an alarming rate . The siren blared and the squad car took off in pursuit . Josh was driving along minding his own business when he glanced and saw a car come at him at a reckless pace . He had no time to react and the car was smashed . The grandfather clock chimed and it was getting late . Lucy sighed , " Honey , its getting late . Our son should of been back by now . " John went to the phone and called the house where Josh went to spend the evening . The classmate said , " He left about an hour ago Mr . Jecong . " John hung up the phone and proceeded up the stairs starting to take off his clothes . Lucy said , " Where are you going ? " John said , " To find my son . You take the car and I 'll search the streets . " She nodded , but then the phone rang . She screamed and John raced down the stairs . She sobbed , " He 's at Herman Hospital in severe condition due to a car wreck . " John put his clothes back on and the couple went downtown . The parents rushed the desk . The attendant told them where to go . They went up the floors and were told he was in surgery . A police officer came in and said , " Are you Mr . and Mrs . Jecong , the parents of a Joshua Ryota Jecong ? " John nodded , " We are ? " The officer said , " Your son was involved in an accident caused by a drunken man who was evading arrest . We 've got him locked up . It was the worst accident that I 've seen in all my years . I expected the boy to die since I 've seen people twice his size die in lesser accidents , but somehow he lives . " The parents knew that his being a werewolf was the reason why he was alive . John asked the desk attendant if he could use the phone to call Dr . Henry Bradshaw - his and Josh 's personal physician . Dr . Bradshaw was in his study when his phone rang . He was deeply troubled and he said , " I 'm on my way . " His wife stopped him and he said , " Personal doctor business . " He drove to Herman and was going to go the ICU ward when he was stopped by a nurse . He said , " I am the boy 's personal physician . You can check my records . " He promptly gave her his doctor ID number . He proceeded to Josh 's recovery bed and muttered , " Poor boy . " He knew the doctors did a fine job and was confident that he was going to recover . John asked , " How is our son ? " Dr . Bradshaw said , " He 's fine , but still unconscious . Even though he 's different in you know what way , he still won 't come out of it for another 3 days . I remind you what tomorrow night is . " John was deeply concerned because there would be a full moon tomorrow night and his son would transform even if he wasn 't conscious . He went to his car and dialed a number . The woman at the other end said , " How may I help you ? " He said , " This is John Jecong . Alpha werewolf for the city of Houston . We need damage control here at Herman Hospital . Tomorrow is the night of the full moon and my son is in intensive care and he won 't be able to leave for a few days . During that time he 'll will most likely be visited by outsiders . " The woman said , " We are sending a mage who will monitor the situation and perform memory erasing when there is a need . I hope your son recovers soon . " He regained awareness of the waking world and the first thing he sensed was his father . Josh moaned , " What happened ? " Before his father could respond , he remembered . He stayed in the hospital for another day and spent the whole summer recovering . The person who did this to him was sent to prison , but something strange happened to him . While he was jailed mentally sound , he gradually became insane . It was the magical world 's way of exacting punishment for his crime against an important person During the Senior year of High School , Josh and this girl named Jenna Williamson had been going out for awhile and she wanted to go steady . It had been difficult to coordinate dates so that she remained in the dark about what he was . Josh really liked her and felt that he couldn 't keep her in the dark forever . Jenna was driving him home because his car was being repaired when he decided to tell her and they were heading home after the winter dance during their sophomore year in high school . They could of gone home sooner , but each had early curfews . He said , " I have something to tell you . If we are going to go steady , I have to tell you a secret that I hope you 'll keep . " She said , " Sure . What 's your secret ? " Josh said , " Well , I 'm a werewolf . " She said , " Yea right . " Josh said , " It 's true . I 'll show you at my house . " They drove to his house and they went inside . There was a note that told him that his parents went out to eat and there was some leftovers in the fridge . Josh said , " Go to the living room and wait . " Jenna waited nervously on the couch . She knew there was no such thing , but who knows what he had in mind . He came back down wearing nothing but ragged jean shorts . He stood in front of her and she stared with her eyes wide open as he became misshapen . Josh transformed and awaited a response . She soon came out of her daze and looked at him , her eyes roaming everywhere . She cried and she slapped him and he yelped in pain . She screamed , " I don 't want to see you ever again ! " and ran out the door . Josh followed her out but she was all ready in her car and driving off . He shouted her name , but knew that she wouldn 't of understood even if she could hear . Josh slammed the door and fed on the leftovers . He was going back and forth between anger and sadness . These emotions were directed to himself more than anyone else . He retreated back to his room to release his emotions . His parents came home after a nice dinner out and wondered if their son was home . They then heard howling upstairs . They went to go investigate . Their son was in his other form crying . John couldn 't tell what was troubling to his son because he was muttering stuff , rambling on and not making any sense . He told his wife that he would talk to his son . " Josh ? What 's wrong ? Control yourself and let 's talk about it . " Josh sobbed , " There 's this girl who wanted to go steady with me . Her name is Jenna . " John nodded . He met her before when she had dinner with them . He said , " Go on . " He said , " Well . I said that if we were going to go steady , I should reveal my secret . " John understood and said , " That 's when you transformed in front of her . " Josh said , " Dad , It was terrible . She said that she didn 't want to see me again and she slapped me . I wish I wasn 't a werewolf . " John said , " Well that shows that it wasn 't real love . If she truly loved you , she would of accepted you as you are . Just be patient . It 'll take longer to find someone to love you back since you 're a werewolf , but you 'll find someone . Commitment to such a relationship is a heavy burden . I 'll be leaving now , but if you want to talk some more , it 'd be better to do it as a human so that your mother can give advice . " Josh nodded and settled down . John left and went back to his wife . She asked , " What 's wrong ? " John said , " Girl trouble . " She said , " Go on . " He then told her everything . She signed , " Poor boy . He really liked her too . " Over the next few days they talked about it and Josh got over her . However , that wasn 't the end of the issue . Mr . Ned Williamson was reading the paper when his daughter came in crying . She ran to him and cried on his shoulder . He asked , " What 's wrong Jenna ? " She pulled up a chair and sobbed , " It was horrible . Josh turned out to be a monster . " Her father knew who she was talking about . In fact she couldn 't stop talking about him . He met the young man on a few occasions and thought he was a good kid , but he said , " Did he do anything to you ? " She said , " No . He said that he was a werewolf . He changed right in front of me and I couldn 't bear to see him again . " Her father asked , " But he didn 't hurt you physically . " She said , " No . The only thing he hurt were my feelings . " He said , " All right . " She sobbed her way back to her room . His wife Carmen came in and asked what the matter was . They became very afraid because of what he might be and decided to hire a private investigator to see if their daughter was telling the truth . The investigator found the boy 's room and set up a surveillance camera in the nearby tree while the house was abandoned for the day . He waited for days and nothing happened . Then one evening , the boy locked his door and took off all his clothes and then went to his cabinet to get out a pair of old underwear and ragged jean shorts . The investigator zoomed in on the clothes and found that they had a hole at the rear . The boy put them on and he soon showed signs of being in pain . The girl was right , the boy was a werewolf . The boy left the room and the investigator tapped on the buttons to see where he went next and found him in the dining room . He saw not one , but two werewolves eating with a human . Dinner was finished some time after that and the boy went back to his room . The investigator saw him doing his homework and then the boy went to sleep . His work complete after a few days , he gave the tapes to Mr . Williamson . He and Carmen viewed them were aghast because the boy acted just like he always did even though he looked very different . They called down Jenna to show her the tapes and he said , " Jenna , I think it was mean to dump Josh because he was a werewolf . See , he 's still acting normal . " Mrs . Williamson said , " That 's right . You call him to apologize . " She said , " All right . " The phone rang and Mrs . Jecong called Josh to the phone . He asked , " Who is it ? " She said , " I think it 's Jenna . " Josh breathed deeply and said , " Hello ? " Jenna said , " I 'm sorry if I treated you badly . I didn 't mean it . Knowing that a boy you like is a werewolf isn 't something that an average girl is supposed to know . " Josh said , " I 'm sorry if I scared you . The kind of werewolves that people think of don 't exist . That 's just the way movies portray my kind . " They talked for a few minutes about how he became one and the Josh said , " Do you still want to be steady with me still ? " Jenna said , " I don 't think so because I don 't think I can handle it , we can still be friends though . I hope you find someone who can " . They became stronger friends during that year than they had during the time that they dated . She kept quiet about his secret , as did her family because Josh told them that he didn 't want the attention . Then came the senior prom which was the toughest thing Josh faced in his life so far . Jenna got a new boyfriend named Evan , but he wasn 't like Josh . While Josh was gentlemanly and honorable , this new boyfriend was crude and obnoxious . Josh and Doug didn 't find any dates , so they went together and hopefully they could find girls that didn 't have dates either . Throughout that evening , no girl wanted to dance with them . Doug could of used his powers to compel girls to dance with them , but felt that would be wrong . Josh got fed up and said , " I 'm gonna walk home . " Doug said , " But you 'll miss the rest . " Josh said , " I 'm too tired to care . " He was heading out the parking lot when he heard signs of a struggle . He saw that Jenna was being raped by Evan and he got angry and said , " Let her go ! " The guy 's pants were down , but he was zipping them up and he went to Josh and said , " What are you going to do about it ? " and then he shoved him to the ground and started kicking him around . Jenna 's dress was in tatters , but she tried to get him to stop , but she was knocked to the ground . The beast inside Josh said , " If you aren 't going to do anything about this , I will . " Josh tried to keep himself under control , but it became no good . Evan proceeded to kick him some more . Josh 's inhuman strength allowed him to sustain all these hits and Evan was wondering , why he didn 't show signs of being hurt , but then got a big surprise . Josh growled , dodged the blow and rolled to the side , and then quickly transformed . Evan swore and started to run , but was knocked down by Josh . He picked him off the ground and made a lot of noise . Evan was struggling , but could not get free . Doug sensed something was wrong and he heard something wolfish , yet not . He shouted , " There 's something outside , come on . " The noise got louder . The entire senior class , as well as members of the faculty saw a large werewolf holding up Evan , their star athlete . Doug shouted , " Josh , let him go . " Josh dropped him and growled . Doug said , " Now change back , you 're freaking everyone out . " Josh did so and the teachers questioned him . Josh said , " Jenna was being rapped and I tried to intervene , but Evan knocked me back and started to kick me . He lifted his shirt and there were bruises all over , but they were light . The wolf inside of me came out to defend her which I did . " The police came , but they didn 't tell them about there being a werewolf . Jenna went to the hospital for observation and they confirmed through DNA that Evan was her attacker and they put him in jail . Still everyone knew what he was and it made him uncomfortable because word had spread quickly . Josh said , " I want to be left alone . I 'm not a hero . " His classmates left him alone , but they still considered him a hero . Josh knew the stories about his father and didn 't want to draw attention to himself . Although he wished that no one would know , he found out that the Director of Residence Life was a resident during the time his father was here . Director Randolph Sheraton phoned the Jecong household and John answered . He said , " Jecong residence . John speaking . " Sheraton said , " Hey Wolfman , is your son there ? " John growled lightly , " You know how much I loath that nickname . " Sheraton snickered , " Force of habit John . " John shouted , " Josh , phone . " Josh jogged down the stairs and picked up the phone and said , " Yes . " Sheraton introduced himself and Josh said , " I know you . My dad 's talked about you sometimes " . The Director said , " Well , you know about the special quality your father has , don 't you ? . " Josh said , " I know because I have it too . " He replied , " Well , if that 's the case , do you want me to address it at the first residents meeting ? " Josh said , " Only if it comes up from one of the other residents . " Sheraton said , " All right . It 'll be your call . " The day after residents moved into Guinan Hall , they had their first hall meeting with all new residents . They all sat in the main lounge and Josh went early to get a good spot . Sheraton said , " Welcome to the University of St . Thomas . I am Randolph Sheraton , the director of Residence Life . " He then introduced the Assistant Director , the Resident Advisors , and the Sophomore Assistants . He concluded with a preview of the hall events that were going to be held that semester . He then said , " Now are there any questions you may have ? " One guy said , " My brother said that a creature roams the university . Is that true ? " In years before , it was policy to deny everything . However , the son of the " creature " was a resident and they couldn 't circumvent it through a cover - up . Sheraton said , " It 's not a creature , but a werewolf . He was a graduate years ago and his son is going to be a resident . Why don 't you introduce yourself Josh ? " Josh took a deep breath , took off his slippers , and stood up . A few hours ago , he and Sheraton talked about what they would do if it was discussed . Josh wore his worn - out clothes and those around him wondered why he was wearing such shabby clothes , but they weren 't intent on finding out . He stood in front of those 30 residents and made a slight growling sound . He wanted to transform fast so that it would be over as soon as possible . His roommate Jake Davidson almost fell out of the chair . Josh trembled a bit because he was afraid of what the others would think , but he reminded himself that he shouldn 't feel ashamed that he was a werewolf . Sheraton could tell that Josh was nervous so he said , " You can sit back down now . " Josh nodded and sat back down . Sheraton then handed out the resident manual and briefed the residents on policies . He then had the RAs bring out the food and drinks . Josh put two sandwiches and a lot of chips on the plastic plate and filled a styrofoam cup of cherry soda and ice . He was very hungry , but didn 't want to lose himself , so he was moderate in his allotment . He ate the sandwiches in two bites and he sighed because it ended too soon . The party likewise ended soon after and residents went back to their rooms . The walk back to Jake and Josh 's room was one of silence . When they entered their room , Jake said , " Why didn 't you tell me what you were ? " Josh wrote , " Because I knew the issue would come up at the meeting so I decided that would be the best way . " Jake said , " You can 't talk ? " Josh shook his head . He yawned and decided to go to bed early because he had an early class . He took off his clothes and brushed he teeth and got into bed . Jake just scratched his head and decided to get ready for bed also . The next morning , Jake woke up and saw a human Josh . He said , " Was it a dream or are you really a werewolf ? " Josh chuckled , " No dream . " Jake asked , " Well , how did you get that way ? Josh said while putting his shirt on , " If you 're thinking that I was bitten , you 're mistaken . I was born with it . Just like my dad . I 've been an active one since I was 13 . " Jake said , " Is it tough being one ? " Josh replied , " Somewhat . One has to craft a good schedule . Fortunately , I can have an active social life and keep my secret . Well , see you later . " Josh found that college was just like his father described . Thankfully enough time had passed so that only residents knew the secret . Sheraton even had them all sign a form stating that they would never reveal his secret . After all the fiascoes that faced John at college , it was time for something like it . He was starting to love college and loved the freedom he had now . For years he had to be careful getting out of the house to roam the streets , but now he could get out without detection and roam for an hour or two . Jake didn 't ask why his roommate went on these weekly escapades . Josh sort of knew his concern and said , " I go out at night to accommodate the animal half of me . Being a werewolf in a room all the time isn 't healthy for me . Why do you think that people put their cats out or why most dogs sleep outside ? " Jake said , " I see . " Soon Jake started to ask other questions . He asked , " What 's it like being a werewolf ? " Josh said , " I don 't know how to describe it , but I 'll try . Well , everything you see is monochromatic . The sense of smell , sight , and hearing are greatly improved . However , in my human form the senses of smell and hearing remain the same . " Jake asked , " Is it painful ? " Josh said , " The transformation ? Yea , it hurts , but after all this time , I 've gotten used to it . " Jake then asked , " Have you killed anyone ? " Josh said , " No . The only thing that I 've killed in my werewolf form have been forest animals like rabbits and deer . They taste nice raw , but most of the time the meat that I consume have come from animals that have already died . Don 't believe everything you see in the movies . Geez , there 's a big increase of killings attributed to lycanthropes during the middle ages and the whole populace gets a bad rap for centuries . There are more peaceful werewolves than killers . The Mysticals report that there are fewer than five murders a year . Still , there are those that are changed . We can 't determine that number because some might hide it or something . Being a werewolf requires a balance between man and beast . One can 't let the beast dominate their life and the man can 't tame the beast . Man and beast must learn to work together somehow . " Jake asked , " How do you work with it ? " Josh said , " I work with the wolf by sharing my human intelligence and humanity with its senses , physical prowess , and sense of loyaltyNo one minded Josh being in his werewolf form when there were dorm activities , but the thing that got on their nerves was not being able understand him . Still it amused the residents when he tried to make residents understand him . Then there was the day when he scared one of the housekeepers . One Friday , Josh was so tired , he retreated to his room to take a nap before dinner . He changed his clothes , transformed , curled up on his bed and fell asleep . He dreamt of chasing flying roasts and he was so deep asleep , he didn 't even hear the door open . Normally the maids came in the morning , but today they had to do the rooms in the afternoon . One of them knocked on door 233 and shouted , " Housekeeping . " She shouted again and when no one responded , she unlocked the room with a master key . The maid took out the trash and then scrubbed the toilet . She was going out the door when she heard an animal - like breathing sound . She slowly turned around and saw something , some sort of giant wolf . She approached with caution . The wolf looked at her and she didn 't wait long to find out what it wanted . She shrieked her way out of there . She kept shrieking on her way to Sheraton 's office . She said , " There 's this large wolf creature in room 233 . What are you going to do about it ? " Sheraton said , " Calm down , don 't tell anyone , but he 's a student of ours . I 'm sure he didn 't mean to frighten you . Oh , here 's Josh now . " Josh quickly got dressed and followed the woman 's scent to Sheraton 's office . He said to the woman , " I 'm sorry if I scared you . School 's been so hectic lately so I thought I 'd take a little nap . " She said , " So you weren 't going to eat me ? " Josh grimaced and said , " No , my parents paid good money for me to eat at our school cafeteria . You just startled me though . " Everyone forgot the incident . That night he told what had happened to Jake . He said , " Well , next time you should be careful . " It was soon Halloween time and Sheraton came to him for help . He said , " I 'm sure you know that we do a Haunted House kind of thing for the kids at the local church . Its a safe alternative to visiting houses . We 'd like your help . " Josh said , " What kinda help ? " Sheraton said , " Well , we 'd like you to do anything the pastor says . " Josh said , " Well I don 't want to be scaring little kids to the point that they need therapy . " Sheraton laughed , " Well you wouldn 't be going that far , you 'll just sneak around the place behind the cardboard scenery . " Josh said , " Like I 'm stalking prey ? " The Director said , " I guess if you want to look at things that way . " Josh asked , " How long will I be doing this ? " The Director replied , " Well , you 'll be there all night , but mostly you 'll be working late shift , 9 til closing . That shift would be kids older than 13 . The rest of the evening , you 'll be in human form supervising the go - fish booth . You will be paid 10 dollars for each hour . " On Halloween , Josh had a big dinner and drove to the church with his werewolf clothes in a duffle bag . Fr . Phil met him at the hall entrance and said , " You must be that young man with that special talent . The one Randolph Sheraton told me about . I 've never met a real werewolf before . " Josh said , " Well besides my father and myself , I never seen met another . " Fr . Phil said , " Well come this way . " The priest led him to the go - fish booth and there was a girl about his age there . He said , " This is Carrie . " She said , " How do you do ? " Josh said , " Fine thank you . " Fr . Phil said , " Carrie works in our youth ministry department . " He said , " Well , see you two later . " For the next few hours the two young people got to know each other as they attached paper bags of candy to clothes pin fishing rods . It was approaching 8 : 45 so he said to Carrie , " Well , nice talking to you . " She asked " Where are you going ? " He said , " Fr . Phil wanted me to work the last shift in the haunted house . " He went to the restroom , changed his clothes and form , put his bag back in his car and headed to the haunted house . He then got into position . He gave many kids a good fright and the other workers thought his costume was very realistic . When the night ended , the priest gave his paycheck and Josh went back to his car . He changed back into his human form and drove back to the dorm . It was kinda late and he was very exhausted . He parked the car and made his way to his room . Once there he took off his pants and fell on the bed curling up to sleep . Thankfully , Halloween was a Friday and he could sleep in . Otherwise he would have to get up early for classes . When he woke up , he was still in his wolf form because his hand was be more like a paw and his hair was like fur . Josh yawned , stretched , changed back to his human form and took a bath . He spent the rest of the day doing his homework and watching television . He went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant with his parents and came back to the dorm after going grocery shopping . He stored his food in his mini - fridge and played Monopoly against Jake . It was after midnight when the game ended . Jake went to his computer to play his shooting games online and Josh transformed to go on his nightly patrols around his territory . Josh jogged down the abandoned streets on all fours . He then felt a presence . It was similar , yet different to a werewolf and he smelled the air trying to determine what it was . He then found himself being knocked down . It was another lycanthrope like himself , but it was unmistakably female . She growled , " You , you did this to me ! " Josh threw her off and Beast Rushed onto the roof of a house . He said , " What did I do ? " She growled , " It was your kind that made me this way . " Josh said , " You can 't fault us all for one individual 's actions . " She yelled , " Well , you 're all bloodthirsty beasts . " Josh said , " Well , you are now one of us ' bloodthirsty beasts ' as you put it . So don 't criticize beings that are like you . My recommendation is to make the most of it . " He leapt down and said , " Can 't we talk about this like rational beings ? " He held up his paws and said , " I won 't attack , but I 'll defend myself and I 've gotten several awards both in human and lycanthrope competitions . " She roared , " Very well , but if you make a move , I 'll kill you . " Josh laughed , " I doubt it . Come on , let 's hide . " He went and went into a park 's forest and climbed a tree . He said , " Now then , how long have you been a werewolf ? " She said , " I was attacked about a month ago when me and my parents went camping . I got lost and I was attacked . I woke up days later in a hospital all bandaged up . I changed only yesterday . My parents don 't even know about this . " Josh said , " I understand . " She said , " You ? How can you understand ? Were you attacked also ? " Josh pointed to himself and said , " Me ? No . I 'm a natural one , just like my dad . Type 2 actually . There are three types . You are Type 1 , Those that were attacked . Type 2 are those that have a human parent and a werewolf parents , and Type 3 are those whose parents are both werewolves . You see he 's the product of a rape . My grandmother and grandfather went out camping decades ago . She went to the latrines to use the bathroom when she was attacked . She had no scratch on her , but I 'm sure you can figure out the rest . " The sliding door opened and Jake turned from the monitor long enough to get fragged . He swore because he 'd put up with this for so long , he should of know it would be Josh and no one else . He looked at the standings and he was bumped down to 5th place . His character - a red haired troll doll wearing brownish camouflage fatigues - respawned and continued the hunt against his opponents . He then heard an odd sound , but a familiar one . Normally , he wouldn 't hear the sound until the morning . Jake said , " Something the matter ? " Josh said , " Female . " Jake turned around and said , " A female lycanthrope ? " Josh nodded and said , " Yes , of course I found it rather odd . I mean another like myself who isn 't related to me is one thing , but a female ? Very interesting . " Jake snickered , " Yea , I 'm sure you found her very interesting if you know what I mean . Hee , hee , hee . " Josh growled , " I 'm a decent guy . She was attractive , but I wouldn 't do that sort of thing , at least not until marriage . " Jake held up his hands and said , " Sorry . " Josh said , " That 's better . Hopefully she will frequent the area enough so that we will meet again . Who knows what she will do unguided . She 's angry enough as it is . " Jake said , " How are you going to guide her ? " Josh said , " I don 't really know . I 've never done this kind of thing . " He knew that he had , but that was a different time and place . No one outside the six should never know about what hopefully will never be . He studied his lycanthrope authored book and looked at the chapter on female werewolves . There was some information , but didn 't find it to be of much help because nearly all of it was about maternity . He then went online to the Mysticals HQ 's website and entered his user and password . He then browsed for the relevant information and asked other teenage werewolves , but they suggested that he be careful . When his parents picked him up , and after he made sure that the door was closed before he began to talk of important matters , he said , " Something odd happened to me last night when I roamed the streets . " His father said , " What have we said about roaming the streets ? " His mother said , " Someone could of seen you and it would of been on the news and then your father would have to seek a mage or two do erase all evidence . " Mr . Jecong said , " Anyway , what happened ? " Josh said , " I saw a female werewolf . " His father almost lost control of the wheel and said , " A female ? Was she pretty ? " His mother said curtly , " John ! " His father gasped , " I 'm joking . " Josh said , " She was lovely , once I looked pass the anger . " His mother asked , " Why was she angry ? " Josh said , " She was made one , unnatural . " His father said , " I see . What are you going to do about it son ? " Josh said , " Well , I 'm going to teach her . " Mr . Jecong laughed , " Pretty bold statement . Do you intend to teach everything ? Including the Beast Rush ? " Josh said , " Well , perhaps not the Rush . " Mrs . Jecong said , " Well , you must invite her over for dinner sometime . " Josh said , " As a human or as a werewolf ? " His mother said , " However she want . " That night , he saw Dione again in the park 's forest . He asked , " Well , did your parents see you ? " She nodded and said , " I had them see me transform . I was screaming and they came to investigate . You can kinda figure out the rest . They took it kinda rough . I told them about you . " Josh grimaced , " You ? You told them about me ? What did you tell them and what did they say ? " Dione said , " Well , I wrote what had transpired yesterday . They weren 't too enthusiastic knowing I met another werewolf . They do blame them for doing this to me . " Josh said , " You did tell them that we 're not all to blame for one 's actions ? " She said , " Yes , but they are reluctant to believe that . " Josh said , " There 's something I 'd like to ask ? " She said , " You 're not going to ask to mate with me are you ? " Josh said , " No . I don 't do that stuff . I 'm waiting to get married first before I do anything like that . No , what I want to ask is would you like to eat with me and my parents ? " She said , " In what form ? " He said , " Well , while you are free to choose , I 'd prefer human so that my mother can understand . " She agreed and she gave him her address only if he would eat dinner at her house as a human that weekend . Josh agreed and they said their goodbyes and they left went their separate ways . That Saturday , Josh drove to Dione 's house . He hoped it would go well and knew that it would be the first time they would meet as humans . He took a deep breath and rang the doorbell . A girl answered and she said , " Josh ? " The guy nodded and Dione said , " You don 't look a thing like what I imagined . " Josh , " What did you imagine me to look like ? " She said , " Don 't take this the wrong way , but I didn 't imagine you would be an Asian . " Josh said , " Well , I 'm only one - fourth Japanese which comes from my paternal line . I 'm told I look very odd because there aren 't that many Asians with brown wavy hair like mine . You still look as lovely as a human as you do as a werewolf . " Dione said , " Do I look like anything you imagined ? " Josh said , " Well , I didn 't know what you would look like . " She said , " I see , well come on in . " Her parents , Mr . Fred and Mrs . Jessica Macintosh , greeted him . Josh was afraid of first because he didn 't know what they would do to him . Mr . Macintosh reached out , shook his hand , and said , " You must be Josh Jecong . " Josh nodded and said , " I am . " Mrs . Macintosh said , " Are you hungry ? " Josh said , " Yes ma ' am . " Dinner was modest and rather bland because everyone was focused on him and it ended in silence . After supper , they went into the living room to talk . Mr . Macintosh broke the silence and asked , " How long have you been a werewolf ? " Josh said , " About 5 years . I 've gotten used to it . Being a werewolf I mean . The pain during transformation is something else . I 've been able to not scream during transformation , but it 's still painful . " Mrs . Macintosh asked , " Have you killed anything ? " Dione shouted , " Mother ! " Josh blushed and said , " Well , not as much as you might think . No humans though , that 's a stereotype . I eat wildlife , but that 's very rarely . I tried eating city rats , but they don 't taste so good . I once got a bad stomach ache so I don 't eat them anymore . Me and my parents only go camping once a year . Despite this , I 'm a good hunter . However , that first time was rough . My dad was laughing so much , that it goThe following night Dione had dinner with the Jecongs . She was still amazed that a werewolf and a human could be happily married , yet here was the evidence . She then had questions about what Mr . Jecong did exactly as an alpha . He said , " Namely I 'm the representative of all the werewolves that live in this city which would also include you . So if you have problems , just bring them to me . I get to go to state conventions and sometimes national conventions . We all go and Josh mingles with other young werewolves . He 's become a role model for the younger ones and was even a counselor last year at a summer camp that the Mysticals run for young werewolves . This camp is basically like a regular summer camp , but has activities for werewolves specifically that strengthen the body , soul , and mind . " Dione said , " I see . Is this a boy 's only camp ? " Mr . Jecong shook his head and said , " No its a coed camp . It 's located out in the middle of nowhere far from civilization . We do have an alarm system of sorts that notifies us if there are human snoopers about . After all , we are supposed to be a secret . " She said , " What about my parents ? " Mr . Jecong said , " Well , all that we require is that they try to keep quiet about it and only discuss lycanthropy with those that are supposed to know about it . It 's not easy because mages have had a tough time erasing the knowledge from some of the people that we 've come across . Imagine the chaos if the world found out . There wouldn 't be enough people to undo the damage and we would be facing a backlash that hasn 't been seen since medieval times . If that was bad enough just imagine it with modern technology . One would have to be aware of their surroundings all the time . " Dione was shocked because she wondered would her neighbors turn on her if they knew . She said , " Maybe it would help to improve people 's perception about us because after all Josh told me that the Mysticals eventually let werewolves and other such beings into the group . " Mr . Jecong said , " Perhaps , but those were people that knew abouThe Macintoshes were waiting for Dione to come back and she did ahead of schedule . Mr . Macintosh asked , " How did it go with the Jecongs ? " She said , " Fine , it was a very good dinner . I learned so much about what I am . " Her mother said , " That 's wonderful . We knew that you would learn something . " Josh and Dione would see each other regularly in both forms . Once , when they went to one of the university plays , she asked him , " Can I have a picture of you with me ? " He said , " Sure . " She asked a passerby to take two pictures of them . A week later the pictures arrived and had one for themselves . When Josh was 21 , something miraculous happened . The Gene Pools of all the countries united . A Gene Pool was a database of all recorded genetic profiles of a particular country . With this , there would be no more filing special forms . Almost immediately Mr . Jecong received a personal call . It was Mandi Belnades who had moved up in the organization and she had good news . She said , " The instant the Gene Pools unified , we tracked down your mystery father . Well turns out that he came from an influential family and when he killed someone in his alternate form they exiled him rather than executing him . " Mr . Jecong said , " That 's when he made his way here and defiled my mother . If I ever meet him , he 's dead . " She said , " I understand that . Turns out that you have a rather large group of relatives living in Japan , but they know nothing about you . I can arrange for them to receive notification . " John said , " No . I 'll take care of the matter myself , just send information on where most of them live . I 'll take my family along . " That evening he told his wife and son what transpired . Josh said , " That 's great dad . " Mrs . Jecong said , " You 've always been wanting to know about your father 's side . This is the chance for that to happen . " He said , " You know Josh this will be a big responsibility for you considering you are the only one that knows Japanese . " Josh said , " I 'm up to the challenge . " When he got back to the dorm , he called Dione and told her the great news . Not only was she happy for him , she wanted to go with him . Josh said , " You 'll have to talk with my dad about it . No matter what he says , call to tell me what he said . " The young man waited for over an hour , but soon got a call . She said , " Your father said no at first , but I managed to convince him to let me go . " Josh said , " Oh , how ? " She replied , " I said that this would be a great opportunity to meet werewolves in another country . " Josh said , " Well that 's great . I can 't wait for this trip . I wonder what my relatives are like . " Once summer began , the Jecongs , accompanied by Dione Macintosh , flew to Japan . It was a very long trip despite the advancement in aerodynamics . They were met by a middle - aged Japanese man . He bowed and said , " I am Shigeru Fujiyama . I am the head of the Mystical - Hunters here in Japan . " The Americans bowed back and Fujiyama led them to a limo . The trip to Osaka was long and they spent the trip talking . Mr . Jecong asked , " I understand you have located my father . " Fuijiyama shook his head and said , " No Jecong - san . You see , the man himself is dead . His name was Hiroshi Yamamoto . He came from the most powerful werewolf clan dating back to a time before the shoguns . No one knew he had a dark secret until after several murders . " Mr . Jecong asked , " Why wasn 't he executed as the law demands . " Fujiyama said , " He came from a powerful family and they got the lesser sentence of banishment . He found his way to America and several months later we were notified that he was killed by a rancher protecting his cattle . However , what we didn 't know was that he fathered you . The affair was so large , we had to shut ourselves from the rest of the Magical - Hunters while we reorganized . " Mr . Jecong absorbed all this and was pleased that such a werewolf was killed . It was better that way because if he had met the man , he 'd kill him in a heartbeat . However he said , " That is no excuse . No matter his station , he must be dealt with as our law sees fit . Fujiyama said , " We realized our mistakes when the victims cried out . Jecong sighed , " Does his family know about me ? " Fujiyama said , " No , they do not . For Yamamoto 's crime , his family fell from grace even though they didn 't know about it , but they are still an important family . I recall that a few of his closest family and friends killed themselves rather than live with the shame . We are going to the villa of Kenji Yamamoto , his eldest son . " The rest of the trip was mostly silent except a few questions from Dione about lycanthrope traditions in Japan . A little boy answered the door and Fujiyama showed them inside . Josh removed his shoes and reminded his family and Dione to do the same . The little boy yelled something and Josh whispered , " His father 's coming down . " A middle - aged man came down the stairs very surprised . Kenji Yamamoto asked , " Fujiyama - san , what brings you here ? Who are these people ? " Fujiyama said , " I think you need to sit down for this one . I need to speak with you in private with this man . " Yamamoto sent his son upstairs . Josh said , " Dad you need to talk to them alone . Mom , Dione , let 's go outside . Dad , we 'll be outside . " Once the three men were alone , Fujiyama said , " This is Mr . John Takeshi Jecong of the USA . He 's the alpha in charge in Houston , Texas . " Yamamoto extended his hand and greeted him , " Welcome to Japan . A pity that you see us as we are now . Had you seen us 50 years ago , you would have been among equals . However , my father did a shameful thing and we were punished in retaliation . Still , with time we have recovered some of our former glory . " Fujiyama said , " It 's the sins of your father which brings us here today . " Yamamoto was concerned . He was a boy when the whole thing happened and it was painful for him to understand . He said , " Go on . " Fujiyama said , " You recall that your father was banished and sent to America in disgrace and killed some months thereafter . " The man nodded . Fujiyama said , " While there he committed another crime which this man is personally involved . Jecong - san , do you wish to explain or should I ? " John said , " The events that transpired weren 't fully known until today . In the year 2025 on a cool summer night , my parents had gone camping to celebrate their 1 year anniversary . My mother had gone to the bathhouse to use the facilities when your father defiled her . She was unharmed , but I resulted . I am your brother . " Shigeru Yamamoto was shaken and asked , " Has this been tested ? " The other men nodded . Yamamoto was overcome with emotion and cried , " I have a brother , another brother . Those others with you . Your family ? " John said , " Yes . My wife , son , and his girlfriend . " Yamamoto wiped his eyes and said , " You must bring them in . " The fathers called their families in and the two families got to know each other . Yamamoto said , " I was unaware that I had an American brother . I hope that what my father did does not reflect poorly on us . " Jecong said , " No , from what Fujiyama told me . The only one who knew was the man himself . " Yamamoto said , " You must of been confused not being raised by those like yourself . " Jecong said , " Somewhat , but I adapted as did my parents and brother . " Yamamoto said , " Do you have pictures ? " Jecong knew this was going to happen and had brought a photo album profiling the previous 46 years . Yamamoto had his son bring down their photo album . They laid down the albums on the table and talked about the photos . In the end , Josh discovered he had another uncle and two cousins named Nobu who was 25 and Koji who was 10 . That was only the family that was in the house at time which wasn 't including his other Japanese relatives . They exchanged addresses and promised to keep in touch . College was tough but fun and he would regularly get email from his Japanese relatives checking up on him and from young local werewolves seeking guidance . He earned a degree in astronomy because it was very important to the Magical - Hunters . It allowed them to plan certain events . When he was 25 , he struck out on his own and got an apartment . His public business was assisting at the museum in the planetarium , but his other business was assisting the director take notes so analyze on what was going to happen . It wasn 't a perfect science , but it was better than the false psychics on television and their work didn 't require payment from gullible people . Then one day he then received an odd message about a near unstoppable monster from Mr . Wellington his supervisor . He wrote , " Based on the recent notations you took yesterday , I 've come to the conclusion that troubling times are ahead . Not only do they herald a terrifying creature of unimaginable power . A beast that was never meant to be , but they also foretell the end of the world . Be on your guard . " Josh decided to write a letter to the other 5 and mail them himself . He called Doug and told him what happened . Doug was taking a shower when the phone rang . He quickly teleported to the phone and then summoning a towel around him and a towel below him . Before he picked it up he knew it was Josh and he knew something was wrong . He said , " What 's wrong Joshua ? " Josh said , " There 's a good chance that you know what we prevented is going to happen anyway . We need to assemble the team . How about your place ? " Doug said , " It is bigger isn 't it . ? " Josh said , " And your place is in the middle of the rest . " That weekend , the six that defied the present met again to discuss things that they hoped wouldn 't be talked about again . Josh opened the discussion . He said , " You are probably wondering why I still haven 't contacted the MH about our little escapade . The truth is that we felt that it was prevented , but according to my supervisor , it 's going to happen . If I know my astrology , the stars are where they are due to the progress of time , but what was going to happen was prevented , so it would give a false signal . However , I have doubts . " Thomas asked , " What are these doubts ? " Josh said , " Nothing is certain when dealing with time . " Jeff said , " I read in a sci - fi book how the future is immutable . " Josh said , " If so , why are there still cities . Didn 't I tell you about the visions that my father had before his first transformation ? " Doug said , " You told me , but I don 't recall it ever being mentioned with the rest of the group . " Josh said , " Oh . Well to summarize those event . My dad 's counterpart came from a world ravaged by nuclear war . He grew up in a farm town and did much in his sort time . He found his mother and her husband as well as his half - brother , but unlike this timeline , they were reluctant to accept him . They died , but managed to save his brother . Through a ritual , he became a werewolf and the two lived in the farm town for a few years . The counterpart was recruited by a mysterious visitor who claimed travel through time was possible . He did go into the past and prevented the nuclear war , but his life was forfeited . A new timeline was established , but when the counterpart died , my father was conceived through violence , The two souls crossed each other and since they were the same , became one . That gave my father special insight on his alternate life . " The others took it in and they understood why Josh was the way he was . " Eliza said , " You gotta go before the MH Josh . They may be able to do something . " Minerva said , " What could they do ? Five people were barely able to contain the Recombinant . Who 's to say that he 'll be that easy . The alterations of time may make him stronger . " Josh knew then that he needed help . He asked for the phone and called Wellington . Josh said , " Sir , I know what the signs say , and I lived it . " Wellington said , " What ? How could you live what is yet to be ? " Josh said , " There was an accident during high school and me and five others were thrown from space and time and landed in a future time that resulted from what you forecasted . The land was in turmoil and we came across the same monster you described . It 's called the Recombinant . It was made of what can be best described as genetic junk shaped like an ogre with the ability to learn . " Wellington said , " Why haven 't you brought this before the local MH chapter , in fact you probably should of went before the world council . " Josh said , " I was young and felt that the measures we took would prevent it . " Wellington said , " Well , it 's a good thing that you brought it to my attention . Hopefully , it is not too late . I might contact you again . It might also be a good idea to bring those that went on this journey with you if there should be a gathering . " Years of research gone in an instant . Timothy Donner , President and CEO found that the data to Project Recombinant was gone . He questioned everyone and knew that someone in the project destroyed the data , but why ? The Recombinant Project was to create a being that would safeguard the public well - being . However , he blessed his lucky stars and found the last update to the project . Sure it was twelve years old , but at least he didn 't lose it all . He ceased trusting anyone and worked endless hours rebuilding what he lost . Of course he didn 't remember what half the details were and replaced it with new stuff . He was nearing completion and would be ready to show Recombinant to the public . " The record starts now . State your name . " Josh looked up at the man in the robe . Josh said , " Joshua Ryota Jecong . " The wizard said , " State your affiliation to the MH . " Josh said , " I am a werewolf . My father serves as alpha for the Houston Metropolitan area . " The wizard 's eyes lit up and said , " John Takeshi Jecong ? " Josh said , " Yes sir , the same . " The wizard said , " Do I seem familiar to you ? " Josh said , " No sir , you aren 't familiar to me ? " The Wizard said , " I am Nigel Williamson . I 've been interested in your father for years . Ever since he was born to be precise . Do you know why ? " Josh said , " He altered time . " Williamson said , " Ah , I see you know of your father 's alternate life . " The wizard smiled , " I 'll tell you something . My wife Mary had been screaming her head off for hours . When she settled down , I asked her what was wrong . She told me that the superpowers were launching nuclear weapons at each other . Nothing happened , but you see , my wife is a seer . She 's not the run of the mill futurist , she can detect changes in the timeline . When we became aware of your father , it soon became clear . It even became more evident when we picked up footage and other things . The interesting thing is that your father showed up in a secret film that was made by the military before he was born . Then some years later , more surfaced written by one Theodore Sorenson . We managed to take what shouldn 't be known by normal people . Then a few years back , she did her same screaming act and told me that a monster was running around in Houston and that the world was being twisted . Mr . Abel Wellington then emailed me that you had something to do with that , care to tell me or perhaps one of your friends ? " Josh looked back at the others . They motioned to him to continue talking for them . Josh said , " On November 6th , 2066 , we six snuck inside school to destroy a project created by the seniors with funds from OmniPlex . There was a discharge of energy due to the storm outside and we were transported across time and space to 3066 and landed in a pJosh talked for the next few hours and Williamson and the other members of the 7 member panel of the Supreme Council of the World Order of the Magicals - Hunters were beaming with interest . Josh finished with , " When we got back , I told my Uncle Joey and he put an end to the Recombinant Project and quit some months afterwards , or so we thought . Sir , if Recombinant rises , he will be the toughest thing to defeat ever . What 's worse is that we will have to reveal ourselves to the public . While erasing people 's minds works on a small scale , we could never pretend that it didn 't happen . The media is far reaching and we could never blank out the minds of everyone . We don 't have the resources . " Williamson said , " Your very knowledgeable for your age . Everyone take a fifteen minute break while we decided what to do . " The audience shuffled out of the room as the council retreated to chambers . The seven member panel included 3 magic users , a normal human , an incubus , a werewolf , and a vampire . They began debating the issue . While they all agreed that should the Recombinant surface that it must be stopped , they disagreed on whether or not they should be the ones stopping it . The vampire , whose name was Agatha said , " If we reveal ourselves , our lives would be in jeopardy . Just look how Hollywood portrays our kind . " The werewolf , Justin said , " I agree . People would be packing pistols armed with silver bullets . I couldn 't show my face at the firm anymore . " The incubus , Jacob said , " I 'm married to a human . She 'd become an outcast . The lone human , Eleanor , said , " I was saved by a werewolf as a girl . I would hate to think what would happen to his family , but think of the rest of the world . From what that boy told us , the normal government tried to stop it , but failed . A group of teens having powers were able to stop it . Sure we would be revealing ourselves , but at least the world would be safe . One witch , Sophia , said , " I agree . Public knowledge of us is a small price to pay compared with the ruination of the world . " The other witch said , " Yea , if the public knew , we could erase the old stereotypes . " Williamson absorbed the opinions and said , " Then it 's decided , we 'll reveal ourselves , but only if the Recombinant shows up . The six that defeated him in the future are hereby compelled to help us should the need arise . " They filled out of their conference room and told the audience of their decision . It was a nice and shiny day in Houston . President Neil Harris stood before members of the press as Timothy Donner had a big chamber behind them in a curtain . President Harris said , " My fellow Americans . Mr . Donner , a fine example of American patriotism has created this being to fight for America . We need not fear chaos . Donner if you will . " The curtain was pulled revealing a 25 foot tall creature . He pressed the button and the chamber doors parted . Recombinant stepped out and camera clicked on the entity . It seemed like things were going fine until it flailed its arms and started to attack everyone . Secret Service 's attempt to stop it were futile . Everyone ran in all directions screaming . Josh and the others ran towards the creature . Josh ripped off his shirt and cast his shoes aside as he transformed . An Ice Beam shot out of Tommy 's hand and the creature retaliated by shooting a ball of electricity . He had barely enough time to dodge it . His twin , Jeff brought both hands together and shot a wave of fire . Josh 's body became surrounded by energy and he rushed towards the monster and knocked it back . Doug shot his hand forward and shouted " Psi Explosion ! " The monster exploded and they thought that was the end , but it reassembled itself unlike last time . " Eliza called down a bolt of lightning and stunned the creature . The others went in and used their powers , but the monster continued on , Back up was brought in . Katrina Williamson , the granddaughter of Nigel rushed forward with her hands waving and shot out a wave of plasma . Others appeared out of nowhere A vampire dived forward and started to drain the creature 's energy , but was thrown off . Katrina backed off and other magic users used various spells . They got together and chanted a spell . It was a spell that required that several of them to make it work . They ended the spell with , " Singularity Damnation ! " A void appeared and the monster was swept up in it and floated in a timeless void forever . The rest of the humans came back and looked at the young people who saved them all . Josh wiped the sweat off his brow as he gradually became human . He looked up and saw all the people before him ; people who before this day didn 't know that his kind existed . Camera were on them and photographers were flashing their cameras . Reporters started to ask questions , but the President came forward and said , " I 'll handle the questions . " He asked , " Who are you people ? " Katrina stepped forward and said , " My name is Katrina Williamson . My grandfather is Supreme Chief of Supreme Council of the World Order of the Magicals - Hunters . The Magicals - Hunters are a group made up of magic users , supernatural beings , and humans dedicated to the well being of the world . We received forewarning that this was going to happen thanks to Josh here . " Josh nodded and was asked to step forward . President Harris asked , " Who are you ? " Josh said , " My name is Joshua Ryota Jecong . I am a werewolf and my father serves as alpha for the Houston Metropolitan area . " He studied the people 's reactions . They were shocked , but that lasted a short time . Me and my friends here traveled to a future where the Recombinant had killed thousands until he was stopped by my father at his own life 's expense . All this was done by OmniPlex . Not only did they create the Recombinant , but they created a machine that wrecked the world in what was called The Upheaval . We stopped the creature then and now . It will not be coming back . That is all I have to say . " Cameras continued to snap . Katrina said , " My grandfather will be releasing a statement to the world shortly on all media outlets . Good day . The magic users chanted and they all disappeared . Josh and the others appeared at his apartment . His friends left and Josh sat down and watched TV . On every channel , what had happened was discussed heavily . Josh sighed . His social life might be wrecked with his coworkers and customers knowing , but at least he could live in a world that wouldn 't suffer world wide calamities . Then the doorbell rang . He got up and Dione was at his doorstep . She kissed and hugged him saying , " That was nice of you . Sure it cost you your privacy , but at least the world 's safe . " Josh said , " Yea . Hey can I ask you something ? " Dione said , " Sure . " Josh said , " Do you want to marry me ? " Dione said , " Absolutely yes . " Six months later they got married and the President was invited to the celebration . He was never the same , no one was . He had to use a cane from the day of the attack onward because of injuries sustained . The United Nations debated on their response to the Magicals - Hunters and classified it as a recognized international group . A year later , a bundle of joy entered Joshua and Dione 's lives . Neil Harris Jecong made himself known to the world . Josh looked at his newborn son . He didn 't know what was in his son 's future , but he hoped it would be one where he could be a werewolf in an understanding world . Whatever his son chose to do with his life , he would do it as a Jecong and that would mean being an adventurous and courageous person . |
2063 : Humanity is on the edge of a new age . However , just like all other ages , this one is being met with fear . As mutants are becoming noticeable , gnts are in turmoil as to what to do . While people want laws to severely restrict them , others don 't want to do anything because after all , an overwhelming majority of these mutants are children . As he laid in his bed , he was perturbed about his situation . He felt his life was over as it was . He felt that he had been normal and was treated as such , but now , that was all different . Being a werewolf wasn 't exactly normal . Huh , his eyes got heavy with slumber . He yawned being tranquilized by the sound of crickets and the soft wind . He awoke to the sound of birds . He rubbed his eyes and realized he was human again . Was last night just a dream ? He got ready to start the day by going to take a bath . As he passed his desk he saw his jeans and realized what had transpired was not a dream . There was no time to dwell on last night because he had things to do . After taking a bath , he got dressed and went down for breakfast . Josh Jecong had managed to accept what he was , but he wasn 't sure if the outside world would accept him . He heard about the isolated cases of mutants being hurt and worried for his safety , but then it hit him . He was a werewolf and with the proper training , he would be able to protect himself because his father told him so . He wasn 't a mutant , but he knew people would treat him like one . He was also told that he should be careful as to who he tells about his secret . He couldn 't blame society because people where afraid of the unknown and what was feared was also hated . The kitchen was very busy . His mother already left . Since she was a lawyer , she left early and came home late . His father on the other hand worked regular hours managing a bookstore . He 'd drive Josh to school and then go on to work . His Grandmother would pick him up . " Dad did you tell anyone what you were ? " John said , " No , for years the only people that knew was my family . Your Uncle Joey was somewhat scared of me for days . However , he knew that it was important not to tell anyone . It wasn 't until I was well in High School that your other relatives were notified . I also notified my pastor and my doctor . Of course he passed the secret file to my new doctor . I 've asked him to start a file for you . In college , which was perhaps difficult to navigate , practically the whole university knew . It 's somewhat of a legend because I hear that students are still talking about it . Your Godfather Mike shares part of the blame . Now , you just go about your normal routine at school . Don 't try to listen to everything . The ability to smell and hear can overwhelm you , so just pay attention to the important things . " John stepped out of the car and said , " Bye Dad . See you this evening . " He went to class and while he was paying attention , his mind was more focused on the beast within trying to keep it calm . He felt that it could emerge at anytime . The teacher said , " Okay . Here 's what you 've all been waiting for . Hamsters . For the next week , we will study its habits because as you will discover , they are creatures of habit and will eventually act according to what we design . " Josh looked at the hamsters intently and he wanted so much to leap out of his chair grab one from the cage and eat it , but he came back to his senses . He wanted to eat live animals ? Yuck , but , they looked so delicious and he was so hungry . His mind was becoming a mess . Oh , no . He could feel fur starting to creep out of his skin and his teeth were just starting to become pointed . He had to think fast before the transformation began to become noticeable . He said , " Dr . McPherson ? Can I go to the washroom ? " The teacher said , " You may , but be quick . You may miss out on something . " Josh darted out of the classroom and into the nearest boy 's bathroom trying to pacify the beast telling it to rest and that it could make itself known that night , but the beast wanted to roam free now . He locked himself in the stall and got out of his clothes . He let the transformation happen telling the best half of him that it could let itself go . All he was thinking was that he would be a werewolf for a few minutes and then go back to class . Perhaps those few minutes would satisfy it . Dr . McPherson looked at his watch , tapped his feet , and said , " Mr . Hidalgo . Go to the bathroom and fetch your lost classmate . " Doug left the classroom and went to the nearest restroom . Doug was alone , so he decided to use his talent . He closed his eyes and tried to detect his friend 's presence . Sure enough he was in the middle stall , but he didn 't want to come out for some reason . He said , " Josh , the teacher wants you to come back to class now . Don 't be hiding . What are you afraid of ? " He got no reply . He knocked on the door and said , " If you don 't come out , I 'll get the teacher to force you out . " Josh was stunned . Just anyone else finding out was bad , but a teacher was worse . He unlocked the door , whimpered , and waiting for the scream . Doug sighed , " Oh Josh . Is that what 's wrong ? " Josh 's eyes widened . Was Doug mocking him ? His secret was found out after one day and knew his father was going to be angry . Doug said , " Can you try to be human again ? We have to get back to class before Doc sends another student . The less people who know about this , the better . " Josh concentrated and he went back to being human . He put his clothes back on and said , " Please don 't tell anyone my secret . " Doug laughed and said , " Sure , just as long as you don 't tell people mine . " Josh said , " Huh ? You have a secret ? " Doug said , " Yea . Look . " He took out a dollar bill and put it on the palm of his hand . He stared at it and it started to rise and float in the air . Josh said , " Are you what I think you are ? " Doug said , " Yea , I 'm a mutant and I have psychokinetic powers . The only people that know are my parents . So don 't tell anyone . You can tell your parents , but no one else . We both know why it 's important to keep secrets like these . Can I tell my parents you 're a werewolf ? " Josh said , " I guess so , but no one else . " The two friends went back to class . Dr . McPherson was a little perturbed , but forgot about it because he was more interested in the fact that they came back . At lunchtime , Doug and Josh were in the line . They couldn 't see what was offered for the day , nor did they know what was going to be served . Josh sniffed the air to try to guess what it was . He turned to Doug and whispered , " There serving chicken and cheese enchiladas . There 's also rice and refried beans . " They entered the serving room and that 's what was being served . After they handed their meal tickets to the lunch lady and headed to a table , Doug said , " How did you know ? " Josh smiled and said , " The nose knows . " Doug groaned at the pun . They sat down with their friends and didn 't talk about what had happened . Josh 's mind was clear and the beast didn 't trouble him for the rest of the day . The two friends said that they would see each other later . Josh went to the library so that he could study , but that was until 3 : 30 when his grandmother would pick him up . At that time he went outside and found his grandmother was already there . His 7 year old cousin Bobby was there as usual . He got in and said , " Hello Grammy Sue . " Susan Jecong said , " Hello Johnny . " Bobby said , " Hello Josh . " As she drove them to her house , where he would wait until 5 when Josh 's dad would pick him up , she said " So did it happen ? " Josh said , " What ? Oh , you mean the transformation ? Yes . " Bobby said , " What transformation ? " Susan said , " Becoming a werewolf . " Bobby said , " A werewolf ? Are you kidding ? " She said , " Didn 't your Daddy tell you about your Uncle John ? " The younger boy said , " Apparently not . " Josh said , " Is there a picture of my Dad as a werewolf ? He said there was . " She said , " Yes , but we kept it hidden so that no one would find out about his secret . I mean we told the entire family , both blood relatives and the in laws , but no one else except your father 's friend Mike , your father 's former doctor , and our priest . They took the secret to their graves . Except of the people I 've said , no one else knows . However , he was kidnaped when he was 16 , but nothing became of that , at least not yet . When we get home , I 'll show you a picture . You may think you have it rough , but your father had no one . Plus at least you and your father can communicate while in your other forms . It was difficult to tell was he was saying for months until we decided to take sign language lessons . " The first thing that they would usually do would be to start their homework , but they went with their grandfather into the attic . " Is the picture up here Grampy Al ? " Albert Jecong said , " Sure is Josh . " He turned on the light and looked around . The attic was full of old stuff including old video game consoles . Albert Jecong said , " Here 's where it is . He twisted the combination lock and opened the leather - bound trunk . He took out old photo albums and took out a simple steel box . He twisted its combination lock , opened it , and said , " Here we go . " The two cousins looked at the photo . There in the picture were their grandparents , Joey , and a large black and white werewolf wearing jeans and nothing else . The humans were smiling , but it was difficult to determine if the werewolf was smiling . Their grandfather then put everything back . The cousins got out the TV trays and got out their books . Bobby said , " Can you show me your werewolf side ? " Josh said , " Some time later , but a little for now . " He concentrated on his eyes and soon all the world 's color disappeared . Bobby said , " Your eyes are yellow now . What do you see ? " Josh said , " The same stuff , but its all colorless . " His eyes changed back and Bobby was satisfied with this . They continued their homework until their fathers picked them up . Joseph asked , " So , how did Josh take it that he was a werewolf ? " John said , " He took it pretty bad because we didn 't tell him . Hopefully , he 'll get over it . Did you tell Bobby ? " Joey said , " No . Remember how I took it . I didn 't feel he was ready to know . " John approached his son and asked , " How did school go ? " Josh said , " Okay I guess , but I almost lost myself . " John said , " You didn 't transform in class did you ? " Josh said , " No . I felt it beginning so I asked to be excused . I went to the restroom as fast as I could . I got in a stall , took off my clothes and transformed . " John groaned , " What caused you to transform ? " Josh said , " Hamsters . Lunch was still an hour away , and I was getting hungry . " John said , " I see . So no one found out . " Josh said , " Only Doug from my class . " John said , " How did he find out ? " Josh said , " Dr . McPherson sent him to get me . I tried to be silent . He found me and got me to get out of the stall . He asked if I could change back because the teacher told me to be quick so I changed back . " John asked , " How did he find you in the stall if you were being quiet ? " Josh whispered so that only his father would be able to hear . He said , " Doug 's a mutant because he has psychokinetic powers . " John said in a normal voice , " Was he scared ? " Josh said , " No . In fact he was kinda surprised by the fact that being in my werewolf form was the reason I didn 't want to leave . Am I in trouble ? " John said , " No . I hadn 't anticipated that you 'd see fresh prey the day after your first transformation . It must of looked delicious . I 'll need to train you on keeping watch on your urges because they can be overwhelming . " Doug told his parents what happened . They had been shocked a few months ago when their son started to develop strange powers . They had read the news about mutants and feared for their son 's safety . He told them how his secret was found out . He said , " I was in Biology class when Josh left suddenly to go to the bathroom . Dr . McPherson told me to get him when he didn 't show up . I went to the nearest one and used my power to see if he was there . He was , but I sensed that he didn 't want to leave . I managed to get him to open the stall and it turned out that he was a werewolf . " His mother said , " There 's no such thing . " Doug said , " There is . He was covered in black and white fur . His clothes were folded neatly on the floor I told him if he could become human to so because I didn 't want the teacher to get angrier so he did . He put his clothes back on and we went back to class . " His father said , " That doesn 't explain how he found out about your power . " Doug said , " He asked if I could keep his secret . I felt that it was only fair that he kept mine . That 's how he found out . " His parents were a little disappointed , but they felt their son acted appropriately and besides that was in the past . If one person revealed the other 's secret , he 'd only doom himself . That night , John and Josh transformed and then walked down . Lucy Jecong had gotten two chickens out of the oven . She set them in front of the two werewolves and they began to eat . She prepared a microwave meal for herself . She learned long ago that it wasn 't worth it to fix a meal for two when one ate a large portion of meat . Now there were two that would eat just meat at these times . She wished that the two would talk instead of eating . After years , she 'd know when her husband talked in his wolf form and now father and son were so preoccupied with eating . Soon the chicken became a pile of bones . Finally the two started to talk . She took the plates and threw the bones in the trash and went to go clean the kitchen . " We 'll begin training this weekend and I 'll teach you to alternate between forms easily . You need not fear the beast coming when you don 't want it to . Then we 'll begin on the Beast Rush . It 's very tricky to use and takes months to master . Hopefully , you 'll break my record . " Josh said , " Hey Dad , will you teach me to hunt ? " John said , " Sure , but it won 't take that much because it 's mostly instinct . You just need to identify smells . Do you remember what those hamsters smelled like ? " His son nodded . Who could forget a smell like that ? John said , " Well everything has it 's own smell . In the summer we 'll go camping and we 'll hunt and eat . Nothing 's more delicious than raw prey . " Josh rolled his eyes and exclaimed , " Oh , dad . " John snickered and the boy went back upstairs to complete his homework . John sat next down to his wife to watch TV . As much as they wanted satellite , there was no way that they could afford to have a luxury item such as that and feed two werewolves at the same time . Besides they had their DVD player and their assortment of DVDs . They liked all sorts of movies and had at least one title in every category . They did have local cable because the real money was to be made in satellite which would pick up stations from around the world , and there was no money to be made from cable subscriptions , so it gradually became free as compared to the early 21st century . Lucy leaned against John 's furry shoulder . He put his arm around her and they watched their favorite shows . They then watched the news and then it was time to go to bed . Josh came in and said something . John replied back . Lucy got closer to her husband and quickly fell asleep . John started to close his eyes when he heard a howl . Lucy woke up startled , but John motioned her back . He motioned in the air to indicate that it was their son . They then fell back asleep . In the morning at breakfast time , John said , " From now on , don 't get the urge to howl late at night . Your mother was startled . " Josh said , " Sorry , I couldn 't help it . " John said , " Well try not to . " John started to look grim and Josh said , " What ? " John said , " What happened ? Certainly those dogs said something sad . " Josh looked sad and said , " Well one of them said that an old homeless dog got run over earlier today . Been homeless since he was a pup . Didn 't even see it coming . " John said , " That is sad , but we all gotta go at some time . " The next day , Josh and Doug talked about telling their parents the secrets . They were glad that they didn 't get into too much trouble and their secrets were safe . Josh said , " Last night I heard about the saddest thing . " Doug said , " What ? " Josh said , " I heard that an old homeless dog got run over . " Doug said , " How did you find that out . " Josh said , " The next door neighbor 's dog told me . She said it happened during the day . " Doug said , " You can talk to dogs ? " Josh said , " Yes . I found out the same night I became a werewolf . You see I ran away because I was scared at what my parents would do . I passed the neighbor 's backyard and the dog that lived there wondered who I was because she never saw me before . I said , ' It 's me Josh . I live next door . ' She said , ' But Josh is human . ' So I said , ' It turns out I 'm a werewolf . ' She said , ' Where are you going ? ' I said , ' I 'm running away from home . I don 't want my parents to see me looking like this . ' She replied , ' Good luck . ' I had only gone a few blocks when I ran into my dad . I didn 't even know it was him until my mother said so . " Doug said , " Wow , I wish I could do that . I can only communicate with humans telepathically . " Luckily no one heard their conversation or their secrets would of been found out . That day proceeded normally as possible . A few months later , during Winter Break , Doug called and wanted to know if Josh wanted to come to his house for a sleep - over . Josh said , " I 'll have to ask my parents . Are your parents okay with this ? " He said , " I asked them last night . They said it was . " Josh said , " Even though I 'm a werewolf ? Are you aware that I have special dietary needs ? " Doug said , " They are okay with you being one . Just what are these dietary needs do you have ? " Josh said , " I 'll call you back , but I eat after I transform and I like to eat a lot of meat or a whole chicken . It doesn 't need to be raw , but it 'd be nice . " Doug said , " I 'll check with my parents . But the idea is for the first night to be at my house and the next night at your house . " Josh said , " I 'll call you back . " Josh went to the living room to ask his parents . His father said , " Well just as long as they know what they are getting themselves into . " His mother said , " It would be nice to talk to someone else when the full moon is out . " That Friday , Josh pack a bag of things he needed and walked across the street . Doug 's mother , Mrs . Miranda Hidalgo , opened the door . She smiled and said , " Come on in . " Doug walked down the stairs and said , " Come to my room . Do you want to wait until after you change to eat with us , or should we go ahead and eat . " Josh said , " Well that depends on what time you usually eat dinner , but the moon 's going to rise in a few minutes . " Doug said , " Okay , I 'll go down to tell my parents to start cooking . We got you a rotisserie chicken . Is that fine . " Josh said , " Yea , it 's okay . " Doug went out of the room to tell his parents to start cooking . Josh looked at his watch . It was only a few minutes away so he changed into his other clothes . Doug came up back to the room and said , " They 've started . Can I see you transform ? Josh said , " Are you sure you ? " Doug said , " Yea . " Josh said , " All right , but don 't scream or anything . " Josh then winced in pain and he dropped to the floor . Doug was mesmerized by his friend 's transformation . He promised he wouldn 't scream and he didn 't . Josh got back up and stretched a bit . Doug said , " Well , are you ready to eat ? " His friend nodded . They walked out of the room and went downstairs to the dining room . " Doug had told his parents if they wanted to talk to Josh they would have to ask questions that were answered with a yes or a no . The parents were a little shocked when they saw a werewolf walk down the stairs behind their son , but diminished quickly . While they knew their son 's friend was a werewolf , it was their first time actually seeing one . No one could prepare for something like that because the human mind was wired to believe that such things didn 't exist . Doug and John sat together and the parents sat on the other side . Mrs . Hidalgo placed the large plate with the chicken before Josh . Doug and his family talked mostly and Josh just listened . Josh tried to be on his best behavior . Rather than just eating without pausing , he acted as if he was participating in the conversation . He 'd rip a piece out of chicken and eat it and turn to the person who was speaking . Then Mr . Alexander Hidalgo asked Josh a question . He asked , " Josh , when you 're in that form , are you pretty much the same ? " Josh nodded yes . Mrs . Rosa Hidalgo said , " Is that chicken delicious ? " Josh nodded yes again . Mr . Hidalgo asked , " Do you get cold at all during the winter ? " Josh shook his head no and rubbed his fur . The father said , " So the fur 's that warm ? " Josh nodded yes . The family finished the dinner at almost the same Josh finished the chicken . He picked up the plate to go throw the bones in the trash , but Mrs . Hidalgo said , " No . You 're our guest . You boys go upstairs and play . " Doug said , " Do you want to play some video games ? " Josh shook his head no and held up his paws wiggling his clawed fingers . Doug understood because how can one hold a controller made for human hands ? He said , " How about a board game ? " Josh nodded yes . Doug took out all his board games and pointed to each one . Josh nodded yes when Doug pointed to Monopoly . Despite the game being in existence for over 100 years , it was still popular after all these years . Besides the tokens of old like the hat and the car , new tokens had been added over the years such as the money bag and the most recent token was Uncle Pennybags . That particular token was added to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Monopoly 's creation and unlike the other tokens which looked silver , this one looked gold . Doug laid out the tokens on the floor and said , " Choose one . " Josh wanted to be funny and chose the dog . The two boys laughed , but Josh 's laugh sounded stranger . Doug chose Uncle Pennybags , divided the money and the game started . They set on a system that when Josh wanted something he would point it out . It took some time , but in a few hours , Josh won . It was then time to go to bed , so Doug put on his pajamas and Josh just got out of his pants . They two boys then went to go brush their teeth and took turns using the bathroom . Doug turned out the light and got in bed while Josh got in his sleeping bag and curled up . In the morning , Doug found Josh back to his human form starting to wake up . They took their baths and went down to breakfast . Mrs . Hidalgo asked , " Did you sleep good ? " Josh smiled and said , " Sure did . " After breakfast , they went back up to Doug 's room to play some video games . They played for a few hours , but it was time for lunch . They had sandwiches and potato chips . Afterwards , Doug packed his bags and the two boys went to Josh 's house . His mother was starting to make a chocolate cake . Doug whispered to Josh , " I though chocolate was bad for dogs . " Josh said , " Yea , it is , but then again , I 'm not a dog . Besides , I 've eating chocolate before in both forms . My dad has eaten chocolate for years . Our doctor says that because we 're different from both humans and canines , our body chemistries are different . Diseases have a difficult time affecting us because a disease has to have the ability to affect both human and wolf . However , just to be safe , our doctor has this veterinarian relative who gives us gives us the necessary medications for our wolf half while our doctor gives us what is needed for our human half . " His mother said , " When there is a full moon out I fix an extra large roast and divided into two or buy two chickens . They only eat that . " Doug asked , " What about vegetables ? " Josh said , " I eat vegetables at other meals . At full moon dinners , I only eat meat . " Doug understood somewhat what Josh went through as a werewolf . He hoped someday that he would understand his friend 's lycanthropy so well , he could imagine what it would be like to be one without actually being one . John Jecong returned home and said hello to his wife and the two boys . He went upstairs to change into more relaxed clothes . Josh said , " That reminds me . " He went upstairs to his room . The two guys came down quickly . The group sat down in front of the television to watch shows when they left suddenly . Doug asked where they went . Mrs . Jecong said , " They transform in the Comfort Room . They 'll be out soon . " They heard a canine sound and Doug turned around . He saw two werewolves . They had similar markings , but the larger one had black fur where the smaller one had brown fur . They pointed to their mouths . She said , " Dinner will be ready soon . How about you two go to the table . " The two werewolves went to the dining room and sat down at the table . Doug did likewise . There he sat between two werewolves . He knew they must be talking to each other because they were making wolfish sounds . She put a small roast in front of each werewolf and said , " Remember you can 't wolf it down like normal . We have a guest and I insist you two don 't be rude . " The two looked at each other oddly and started to laugh . Doug knew because he had heard Josh laugh before . They must of thought that the wolf pun was funny so he laughed also . Lucy just groaned and sat down . Her and Doug 's dinner was very different . They had rotisserie chicken , mixed vegetables , and a roll . The two teens kept their secrets for years , but there were times when they were almost were revealed . Josh had recently got his driver 's licence and had been driving for a few months . He spent one Friday evening at a friend 's house . It was late and he decided to call it a night and went home . Little did he realize that he was going to get caught in crossfire . HPD were alerted to a suspicious driver who was operating his vehicle oddly probably due to intoxication or influence from narcotics . The officer pulled the driver over and asked the routine questions . The driver tricked the officer by almost getting out of his vehicle , but then he sped of at an alarming rate . The siren blared and the squad car took off in pursuit . Josh was driving along minding his own business when he glanced and saw a car come at him at a reckless pace . He had no time to react and the car was smashed . The grandfather clock chimed and it was getting late . Lucy sighed , " Honey , its getting late . Our son should of been back by now . " John went to the phone and called the house where Josh went to spend the evening . The classmate said , " He left about an hour ago Mr . Jecong . " John hung up the phone and proceeded up the stairs starting to take off his clothes . Lucy said , " Where are you going ? " John said , " To find my son . You take the car and I 'll search the streets . " She nodded , but then the phone rang . She screamed and John raced down the stairs . She sobbed , " He 's at Herman Hospital in severe condition due to a car wreck . " John put his clothes back on and the couple went downtown . The parents rushed the desk . The attendant told them where to go . They went up the floors and were told he was in surgery . A police officer came in and said , " Are you Mr . and Mrs . Jecong , the parents of a Joshua Ryota Jecong ? " John nodded , " We are ? " The officer said , " Your son was involved in an accident caused by a drunken man who was evading arrest . We 've got him locked up . It was the worst accident that I 've seen in all my years . I expected the boy to die since I 've seen people twice his size die in lesser accidents , but somehow he lives . " The parents knew that his being a werewolf was the reason why he was alive . John asked the desk attendant if he could use the phone to call Dr . Henry Bradshaw - his and Josh 's personal physician . Dr . Bradshaw was in his study when his phone rang . He was deeply troubled and he said , " I 'm on my way . " His wife stopped him and he said , " Personal doctor business . " He drove to Herman and was going to go the ICU ward when he was stopped by a nurse . He said , " I am the boy 's personal physician . You can check my records . " He promptly gave her his doctor ID number . He proceeded to Josh 's recovery bed and muttered , " Poor boy . " He knew the doctors did a fine job and was confident that he was going to recover . John asked , " How is our son ? " Dr . Bradshaw said , " He 's fine , but still unconscious . Even though he 's different in you know what way , he still won 't come out of it for another 3 days . I remind you what tomorrow night is . " John was deeply concerned because there would be a full moon tomorrow night and his son would transform even if he wasn 't conscious . He went to his car and dialed a number . The woman at the other end said , " How may I help you ? " He said , " This is John Jecong . Alpha werewolf for the city of Houston . We need damage control here at Herman Hospital . Tomorrow is the night of the full moon and my son is in intensive care and he won 't be able to leave for a few days . During that time he 'll will most likely be visited by outsiders . " The woman said , " We are sending a mage who will monitor the situation and perform memory erasing when there is a need . I hope your son recovers soon . " He regained awareness of the waking world and the first thing he sensed was his father . Josh moaned , " What happened ? " Before his father could respond , he remembered . He stayed in the hospital for another day and spent the whole summer recovering . The person who did this to him was sent to prison , but something strange happened to him . While he was jailed mentally sound , he gradually became insane . It was the magical world 's way of exacting punishment for his crime against an important person During the Senior year of High School , Josh and this girl named Jenna Williamson had been going out for awhile and she wanted to go steady . It had been difficult to coordinate dates so that she remained in the dark about what he was . Josh really liked her and felt that he couldn 't keep her in the dark forever . Jenna was driving him home because his car was being repaired when he decided to tell her and they were heading home after the winter dance during their sophomore year in high school . They could of gone home sooner , but each had early curfews . He said , " I have something to tell you . If we are going to go steady , I have to tell you a secret that I hope you 'll keep . " She said , " Sure . What 's your secret ? " Josh said , " Well , I 'm a werewolf . " She said , " Yea right . " Josh said , " It 's true . I 'll show you at my house . " They drove to his house and they went inside . There was a note that told him that his parents went out to eat and there was some leftovers in the fridge . Josh said , " Go to the living room and wait . " Jenna waited nervously on the couch . She knew there was no such thing , but who knows what he had in mind . He came back down wearing nothing but ragged jean shorts . He stood in front of her and she stared with her eyes wide open as he became misshapen . Josh transformed and awaited a response . She soon came out of her daze and looked at him , her eyes roaming everywhere . She cried and she slapped him and he yelped in pain . She screamed , " I don 't want to see you ever again ! " and ran out the door . Josh followed her out but she was all ready in her car and driving off . He shouted her name , but knew that she wouldn 't of understood even if she could hear . Josh slammed the door and fed on the leftovers . He was going back and forth between anger and sadness . These emotions were directed to himself more than anyone else . He retreated back to his room to release his emotions . His parents came home after a nice dinner out and wondered if their son was home . They then heard howling upstairs . They went to go investigate . Their son was in his other form crying . John couldn 't tell what was troubling to his son because he was muttering stuff , rambling on and not making any sense . He told his wife that he would talk to his son . " Josh ? What 's wrong ? Control yourself and let 's talk about it . " Josh sobbed , " There 's this girl who wanted to go steady with me . Her name is Jenna . " John nodded . He met her before when she had dinner with them . He said , " Go on . " He said , " Well . I said that if we were going to go steady , I should reveal my secret . " John understood and said , " That 's when you transformed in front of her . " Josh said , " Dad , It was terrible . She said that she didn 't want to see me again and she slapped me . I wish I wasn 't a werewolf . " John said , " Well that shows that it wasn 't real love . If she truly loved you , she would of accepted you as you are . Just be patient . It 'll take longer to find someone to love you back since you 're a werewolf , but you 'll find someone . Commitment to such a relationship is a heavy burden . I 'll be leaving now , but if you want to talk some more , it 'd be better to do it as a human so that your mother can give advice . " Josh nodded and settled down . John left and went back to his wife . She asked , " What 's wrong ? " John said , " Girl trouble . " She said , " Go on . " He then told her everything . She signed , " Poor boy . He really liked her too . " Over the next few days they talked about it and Josh got over her . However , that wasn 't the end of the issue . Mr . Ned Williamson was reading the paper when his daughter came in crying . She ran to him and cried on his shoulder . He asked , " What 's wrong Jenna ? " She pulled up a chair and sobbed , " It was horrible . Josh turned out to be a monster . " Her father knew who she was talking about . In fact she couldn 't stop talking about him . He met the young man on a few occasions and thought he was a good kid , but he said , " Did he do anything to you ? " She said , " No . He said that he was a werewolf . He changed right in front of me and I couldn 't bear to see him again . " Her father asked , " But he didn 't hurt you physically . " She said , " No . The only thing he hurt were my feelings . " He said , " All right . " She sobbed her way back to her room . His wife Carmen came in and asked what the matter was . They became very afraid because of what he might be and decided to hire a private investigator to see if their daughter was telling the truth . The investigator found the boy 's room and set up a surveillance camera in the nearby tree while the house was abandoned for the day . He waited for days and nothing happened . Then one evening , the boy locked his door and took off all his clothes and then went to his cabinet to get out a pair of old underwear and ragged jean shorts . The investigator zoomed in on the clothes and found that they had a hole at the rear . The boy put them on and he soon showed signs of being in pain . The girl was right , the boy was a werewolf . The boy left the room and the investigator tapped on the buttons to see where he went next and found him in the dining room . He saw not one , but two werewolves eating with a human . Dinner was finished some time after that and the boy went back to his room . The investigator saw him doing his homework and then the boy went to sleep . His work complete after a few days , he gave the tapes to Mr . Williamson . He and Carmen viewed them were aghast because the boy acted just like he always did even though he looked very different . They called down Jenna to show her the tapes and he said , " Jenna , I think it was mean to dump Josh because he was a werewolf . See , he 's still acting normal . " Mrs . Williamson said , " That 's right . You call him to apologize . " She said , " All right . " The phone rang and Mrs . Jecong called Josh to the phone . He asked , " Who is it ? " She said , " I think it 's Jenna . " Josh breathed deeply and said , " Hello ? " Jenna said , " I 'm sorry if I treated you badly . I didn 't mean it . Knowing that a boy you like is a werewolf isn 't something that an average girl is supposed to know . " Josh said , " I 'm sorry if I scared you . The kind of werewolves that people think of don 't exist . That 's just the way movies portray my kind . " They talked for a few minutes about how he became one and the Josh said , " Do you still want to be steady with me still ? " Jenna said , " I don 't think so because I don 't think I can handle it , we can still be friends though . I hope you find someone who can " . They became stronger friends during that year than they had during the time that they dated . She kept quiet about his secret , as did her family because Josh told them that he didn 't want the attention . Then came the senior prom which was the toughest thing Josh faced in his life so far . Jenna got a new boyfriend named Evan , but he wasn 't like Josh . While Josh was gentlemanly and honorable , this new boyfriend was crude and obnoxious . Josh and Doug didn 't find any dates , so they went together and hopefully they could find girls that didn 't have dates either . Throughout that evening , no girl wanted to dance with them . Doug could of used his powers to compel girls to dance with them , but felt that would be wrong . Josh got fed up and said , " I 'm gonna walk home . " Doug said , " But you 'll miss the rest . " Josh said , " I 'm too tired to care . " He was heading out the parking lot when he heard signs of a struggle . He saw that Jenna was being raped by Evan and he got angry and said , " Let her go ! " The guy 's pants were down , but he was zipping them up and he went to Josh and said , " What are you going to do about it ? " and then he shoved him to the ground and started kicking him around . Jenna 's dress was in tatters , but she tried to get him to stop , but she was knocked to the ground . The beast inside Josh said , " If you aren 't going to do anything about this , I will . " Josh tried to keep himself under control , but it became no good . Evan proceeded to kick him some more . Josh 's inhuman strength allowed him to sustain all these hits and Evan was wondering , why he didn 't show signs of being hurt , but then got a big surprise . Josh growled , dodged the blow and rolled to the side , and then quickly transformed . Evan swore and started to run , but was knocked down by Josh . He picked him off the ground and made a lot of noise . Evan was struggling , but could not get free . Doug sensed something was wrong and he heard something wolfish , yet not . He shouted , " There 's something outside , come on . " The noise got louder . The entire senior class , as well as members of the faculty saw a large werewolf holding up Evan , their star athlete . Doug shouted , " Josh , let him go . " Josh dropped him and growled . Doug said , " Now change back , you 're freaking everyone out . " Josh did so and the teachers questioned him . Josh said , " Jenna was being rapped and I tried to intervene , but Evan knocked me back and started to kick me . He lifted his shirt and there were bruises all over , but they were light . The wolf inside of me came out to defend her which I did . " The police came , but they didn 't tell them about there being a werewolf . Jenna went to the hospital for observation and they confirmed through DNA that Evan was her attacker and they put him in jail . Still everyone knew what he was and it made him uncomfortable because word had spread quickly . Josh said , " I want to be left alone . I 'm not a hero . " His classmates left him alone , but they still considered him a hero . Josh knew the stories about his father and didn 't want to draw attention to himself . Although he wished that no one would know , he found out that the Director of Residence Life was a resident during the time his father was here . Director Randolph Sheraton phoned the Jecong household and John answered . He said , " Jecong residence . John speaking . " Sheraton said , " Hey Wolfman , is your son there ? " John growled lightly , " You know how much I loath that nickname . " Sheraton snickered , " Force of habit John . " John shouted , " Josh , phone . " Josh jogged down the stairs and picked up the phone and said , " Yes . " Sheraton introduced himself and Josh said , " I know you . My dad 's talked about you sometimes " . The Director said , " Well , you know about the special quality your father has , don 't you ? . " Josh said , " I know because I have it too . " He replied , " Well , if that 's the case , do you want me to address it at the first residents meeting ? " Josh said , " Only if it comes up from one of the other residents . " Sheraton said , " All right . It 'll be your call . " The day after residents moved into Guinan Hall , they had their first hall meeting with all new residents . They all sat in the main lounge and Josh went early to get a good spot . Sheraton said , " Welcome to the University of St . Thomas . I am Randolph Sheraton , the director of Residence Life . " He then introduced the Assistant Director , the Resident Advisors , and the Sophomore Assistants . He concluded with a preview of the hall events that were going to be held that semester . He then said , " Now are there any questions you may have ? " One guy said , " My brother said that a creature roams the university . Is that true ? " In years before , it was policy to deny everything . However , the son of the " creature " was a resident and they couldn 't circumvent it through a cover - up . Sheraton said , " It 's not a creature , but a werewolf . He was a graduate years ago and his son is going to be a resident . Why don 't you introduce yourself Josh ? " Josh took a deep breath , took off his slippers , and stood up . A few hours ago , he and Sheraton talked about what they would do if it was discussed . Josh wore his worn - out clothes and those around him wondered why he was wearing such shabby clothes , but they weren 't intent on finding out . He stood in front of those 30 residents and made a slight growling sound . He wanted to transform fast so that it would be over as soon as possible . His roommate Jake Davidson almost fell out of the chair . Josh trembled a bit because he was afraid of what the others would think , but he reminded himself that he shouldn 't feel ashamed that he was a werewolf . Sheraton could tell that Josh was nervous so he said , " You can sit back down now . " Josh nodded and sat back down . Sheraton then handed out the resident manual and briefed the residents on policies . He then had the RAs bring out the food and drinks . Josh put two sandwiches and a lot of chips on the plastic plate and filled a styrofoam cup of cherry soda and ice . He was very hungry , but didn 't want to lose himself , so he was moderate in his allotment . He ate the sandwiches in two bites and he sighed because it ended too soon . The party likewise ended soon after and residents went back to their rooms . The walk back to Jake and Josh 's room was one of silence . When they entered their room , Jake said , " Why didn 't you tell me what you were ? " Josh wrote , " Because I knew the issue would come up at the meeting so I decided that would be the best way . " Jake said , " You can 't talk ? " Josh shook his head . He yawned and decided to go to bed early because he had an early class . He took off his clothes and brushed he teeth and got into bed . Jake just scratched his head and decided to get ready for bed also . The next morning , Jake woke up and saw a human Josh . He said , " Was it a dream or are you really a werewolf ? " Josh chuckled , " No dream . " Jake asked , " Well , how did you get that way ? Josh said while putting his shirt on , " If you 're thinking that I was bitten , you 're mistaken . I was born with it . Just like my dad . I 've been an active one since I was 13 . " Jake said , " Is it tough being one ? " Josh replied , " Somewhat . One has to craft a good schedule . Fortunately , I can have an active social life and keep my secret . Well , see you later . " Josh found that college was just like his father described . Thankfully enough time had passed so that only residents knew the secret . Sheraton even had them all sign a form stating that they would never reveal his secret . After all the fiascoes that faced John at college , it was time for something like it . He was starting to love college and loved the freedom he had now . For years he had to be careful getting out of the house to roam the streets , but now he could get out without detection and roam for an hour or two . Jake didn 't ask why his roommate went on these weekly escapades . Josh sort of knew his concern and said , " I go out at night to accommodate the animal half of me . Being a werewolf in a room all the time isn 't healthy for me . Why do you think that people put their cats out or why most dogs sleep outside ? " Jake said , " I see . " Soon Jake started to ask other questions . He asked , " What 's it like being a werewolf ? " Josh said , " I don 't know how to describe it , but I 'll try . Well , everything you see is monochromatic . The sense of smell , sight , and hearing are greatly improved . However , in my human form the senses of smell and hearing remain the same . " Jake asked , " Is it painful ? " Josh said , " The transformation ? Yea , it hurts , but after all this time , I 've gotten used to it . " Jake then asked , " Have you killed anyone ? " Josh said , " No . The only thing that I 've killed in my werewolf form have been forest animals like rabbits and deer . They taste nice raw , but most of the time the meat that I consume have come from animals that have already died . Don 't believe everything you see in the movies . Geez , there 's a big increase of killings attributed to lycanthropes during the middle ages and the whole populace gets a bad rap for centuries . There are more peaceful werewolves than killers . The Mysticals report that there are fewer than five murders a year . Still , there are those that are changed . We can 't determine that number because some might hide it or something . Being a werewolf requires a balance between man and beast . One can 't let the beast dominate their life and the man can 't tame the beast . Man and beast must learn to work together somehow . " Jake asked , " How do you work with it ? " Josh said , " I work with the wolf by sharing my human intelligence and humanity with its senses , physical prowess , and sense of loyaltyNo one minded Josh being in his werewolf form when there were dorm activities , but the thing that got on their nerves was not being able understand him . Still it amused the residents when he tried to make residents understand him . Then there was the day when he scared one of the housekeepers . One Friday , Josh was so tired , he retreated to his room to take a nap before dinner . He changed his clothes , transformed , curled up on his bed and fell asleep . He dreamt of chasing flying roasts and he was so deep asleep , he didn 't even hear the door open . Normally the maids came in the morning , but today they had to do the rooms in the afternoon . One of them knocked on door 233 and shouted , " Housekeeping . " She shouted again and when no one responded , she unlocked the room with a master key . The maid took out the trash and then scrubbed the toilet . She was going out the door when she heard an animal - like breathing sound . She slowly turned around and saw something , some sort of giant wolf . She approached with caution . The wolf looked at her and she didn 't wait long to find out what it wanted . She shrieked her way out of there . She kept shrieking on her way to Sheraton 's office . She said , " There 's this large wolf creature in room 233 . What are you going to do about it ? " Sheraton said , " Calm down , don 't tell anyone , but he 's a student of ours . I 'm sure he didn 't mean to frighten you . Oh , here 's Josh now . " Josh quickly got dressed and followed the woman 's scent to Sheraton 's office . He said to the woman , " I 'm sorry if I scared you . School 's been so hectic lately so I thought I 'd take a little nap . " She said , " So you weren 't going to eat me ? " Josh grimaced and said , " No , my parents paid good money for me to eat at our school cafeteria . You just startled me though . " Everyone forgot the incident . That night he told what had happened to Jake . He said , " Well , next time you should be careful . " It was soon Halloween time and Sheraton came to him for help . He said , " I 'm sure you know that we do a Haunted House kind of thing for the kids at the local church . Its a safe alternative to visiting houses . We 'd like your help . " Josh said , " What kinda help ? " Sheraton said , " Well , we 'd like you to do anything the pastor says . " Josh said , " Well I don 't want to be scaring little kids to the point that they need therapy . " Sheraton laughed , " Well you wouldn 't be going that far , you 'll just sneak around the place behind the cardboard scenery . " Josh said , " Like I 'm stalking prey ? " The Director said , " I guess if you want to look at things that way . " Josh asked , " How long will I be doing this ? " The Director replied , " Well , you 'll be there all night , but mostly you 'll be working late shift , 9 til closing . That shift would be kids older than 13 . The rest of the evening , you 'll be in human form supervising the go - fish booth . You will be paid 10 dollars for each hour . " On Halloween , Josh had a big dinner and drove to the church with his werewolf clothes in a duffle bag . Fr . Phil met him at the hall entrance and said , " You must be that young man with that special talent . The one Randolph Sheraton told me about . I 've never met a real werewolf before . " Josh said , " Well besides my father and myself , I never seen met another . " Fr . Phil said , " Well come this way . " The priest led him to the go - fish booth and there was a girl about his age there . He said , " This is Carrie . " She said , " How do you do ? " Josh said , " Fine thank you . " Fr . Phil said , " Carrie works in our youth ministry department . " He said , " Well , see you two later . " For the next few hours the two young people got to know each other as they attached paper bags of candy to clothes pin fishing rods . It was approaching 8 : 45 so he said to Carrie , " Well , nice talking to you . " She asked " Where are you going ? " He said , " Fr . Phil wanted me to work the last shift in the haunted house . " He went to the restroom , changed his clothes and form , put his bag back in his car and headed to the haunted house . He then got into position . He gave many kids a good fright and the other workers thought his costume was very realistic . When the night ended , the priest gave his paycheck and Josh went back to his car . He changed back into his human form and drove back to the dorm . It was kinda late and he was very exhausted . He parked the car and made his way to his room . Once there he took off his pants and fell on the bed curling up to sleep . Thankfully , Halloween was a Friday and he could sleep in . Otherwise he would have to get up early for classes . When he woke up , he was still in his wolf form because his hand was be more like a paw and his hair was like fur . Josh yawned , stretched , changed back to his human form and took a bath . He spent the rest of the day doing his homework and watching television . He went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant with his parents and came back to the dorm after going grocery shopping . He stored his food in his mini - fridge and played Monopoly against Jake . It was after midnight when the game ended . Jake went to his computer to play his shooting games online and Josh transformed to go on his nightly patrols around his territory . Josh jogged down the abandoned streets on all fours . He then felt a presence . It was similar , yet different to a werewolf and he smelled the air trying to determine what it was . He then found himself being knocked down . It was another lycanthrope like himself , but it was unmistakably female . She growled , " You , you did this to me ! " Josh threw her off and Beast Rushed onto the roof of a house . He said , " What did I do ? " She growled , " It was your kind that made me this way . " Josh said , " You can 't fault us all for one individual 's actions . " She yelled , " Well , you 're all bloodthirsty beasts . " Josh said , " Well , you are now one of us ' bloodthirsty beasts ' as you put it . So don 't criticize beings that are like you . My recommendation is to make the most of it . " He leapt down and said , " Can 't we talk about this like rational beings ? " He held up his paws and said , " I won 't attack , but I 'll defend myself and I 've gotten several awards both in human and lycanthrope competitions . " She roared , " Very well , but if you make a move , I 'll kill you . " Josh laughed , " I doubt it . Come on , let 's hide . " He went and went into a park 's forest and climbed a tree . He said , " Now then , how long have you been a werewolf ? " She said , " I was attacked about a month ago when me and my parents went camping . I got lost and I was attacked . I woke up days later in a hospital all bandaged up . I changed only yesterday . My parents don 't even know about this . " Josh said , " I understand . " She said , " You ? How can you understand ? Were you attacked also ? " Josh pointed to himself and said , " Me ? No . I 'm a natural one , just like my dad . Type 2 actually . There are three types . You are Type 1 , Those that were attacked . Type 2 are those that have a human parent and a werewolf parents , and Type 3 are those whose parents are both werewolves . You see he 's the product of a rape . My grandmother and grandfather went out camping decades ago . She went to the latrines to use the bathroom when she was attacked . She had no scratch on her , but I 'm sure you can figure out the rest . " The sliding door opened and Jake turned from the monitor long enough to get fragged . He swore because he 'd put up with this for so long , he should of know it would be Josh and no one else . He looked at the standings and he was bumped down to 5th place . His character - a red haired troll doll wearing brownish camouflage fatigues - respawned and continued the hunt against his opponents . He then heard an odd sound , but a familiar one . Normally , he wouldn 't hear the sound until the morning . Jake said , " Something the matter ? " Josh said , " Female . " Jake turned around and said , " A female lycanthrope ? " Josh nodded and said , " Yes , of course I found it rather odd . I mean another like myself who isn 't related to me is one thing , but a female ? Very interesting . " Jake snickered , " Yea , I 'm sure you found her very interesting if you know what I mean . Hee , hee , hee . " Josh growled , " I 'm a decent guy . She was attractive , but I wouldn 't do that sort of thing , at least not until marriage . " Jake held up his hands and said , " Sorry . " Josh said , " That 's better . Hopefully she will frequent the area enough so that we will meet again . Who knows what she will do unguided . She 's angry enough as it is . " Jake said , " How are you going to guide her ? " Josh said , " I don 't really know . I 've never done this kind of thing . " He knew that he had , but that was a different time and place . No one outside the six should never know about what hopefully will never be . He studied his lycanthrope authored book and looked at the chapter on female werewolves . There was some information , but didn 't find it to be of much help because nearly all of it was about maternity . He then went online to the Mysticals HQ 's website and entered his user and password . He then browsed for the relevant information and asked other teenage werewolves , but they suggested that he be careful . When his parents picked him up , and after he made sure that the door was closed before he began to talk of important matters , he said , " Something odd happened to me last night when I roamed the streets . " His father said , " What have we said about roaming the streets ? " His mother said , " Someone could of seen you and it would of been on the news and then your father would have to seek a mage or two do erase all evidence . " Mr . Jecong said , " Anyway , what happened ? " Josh said , " I saw a female werewolf . " His father almost lost control of the wheel and said , " A female ? Was she pretty ? " His mother said curtly , " John ! " His father gasped , " I 'm joking . " Josh said , " She was lovely , once I looked pass the anger . " His mother asked , " Why was she angry ? " Josh said , " She was made one , unnatural . " His father said , " I see . What are you going to do about it son ? " Josh said , " Well , I 'm going to teach her . " Mr . Jecong laughed , " Pretty bold statement . Do you intend to teach everything ? Including the Beast Rush ? " Josh said , " Well , perhaps not the Rush . " Mrs . Jecong said , " Well , you must invite her over for dinner sometime . " Josh said , " As a human or as a werewolf ? " His mother said , " However she want . " That night , he saw Dione again in the park 's forest . He asked , " Well , did your parents see you ? " She nodded and said , " I had them see me transform . I was screaming and they came to investigate . You can kinda figure out the rest . They took it kinda rough . I told them about you . " Josh grimaced , " You ? You told them about me ? What did you tell them and what did they say ? " Dione said , " Well , I wrote what had transpired yesterday . They weren 't too enthusiastic knowing I met another werewolf . They do blame them for doing this to me . " Josh said , " You did tell them that we 're not all to blame for one 's actions ? " She said , " Yes , but they are reluctant to believe that . " Josh said , " There 's something I 'd like to ask ? " She said , " You 're not going to ask to mate with me are you ? " Josh said , " No . I don 't do that stuff . I 'm waiting to get married first before I do anything like that . No , what I want to ask is would you like to eat with me and my parents ? " She said , " In what form ? " He said , " Well , while you are free to choose , I 'd prefer human so that my mother can understand . " She agreed and she gave him her address only if he would eat dinner at her house as a human that weekend . Josh agreed and they said their goodbyes and they left went their separate ways . That Saturday , Josh drove to Dione 's house . He hoped it would go well and knew that it would be the first time they would meet as humans . He took a deep breath and rang the doorbell . A girl answered and she said , " Josh ? " The guy nodded and Dione said , " You don 't look a thing like what I imagined . " Josh , " What did you imagine me to look like ? " She said , " Don 't take this the wrong way , but I didn 't imagine you would be an Asian . " Josh said , " Well , I 'm only one - fourth Japanese which comes from my paternal line . I 'm told I look very odd because there aren 't that many Asians with brown wavy hair like mine . You still look as lovely as a human as you do as a werewolf . " Dione said , " Do I look like anything you imagined ? " Josh said , " Well , I didn 't know what you would look like . " She said , " I see , well come on in . " Her parents , Mr . Fred and Mrs . Jessica Macintosh , greeted him . Josh was afraid of first because he didn 't know what they would do to him . Mr . Macintosh reached out , shook his hand , and said , " You must be Josh Jecong . " Josh nodded and said , " I am . " Mrs . Macintosh said , " Are you hungry ? " Josh said , " Yes ma ' am . " Dinner was modest and rather bland because everyone was focused on him and it ended in silence . After supper , they went into the living room to talk . Mr . Macintosh broke the silence and asked , " How long have you been a werewolf ? " Josh said , " About 5 years . I 've gotten used to it . Being a werewolf I mean . The pain during transformation is something else . I 've been able to not scream during transformation , but it 's still painful . " Mrs . Macintosh asked , " Have you killed anything ? " Dione shouted , " Mother ! " Josh blushed and said , " Well , not as much as you might think . No humans though , that 's a stereotype . I eat wildlife , but that 's very rarely . I tried eating city rats , but they don 't taste so good . I once got a bad stomach ache so I don 't eat them anymore . Me and my parents only go camping once a year . Despite this , I 'm a good hunter . However , that first time was rough . My dad was laughing so much , that it goThe following night Dione had dinner with the Jecongs . She was still amazed that a werewolf and a human could be happily married , yet here was the evidence . She then had questions about what Mr . Jecong did exactly as an alpha . He said , " Namely I 'm the representative of all the werewolves that live in this city which would also include you . So if you have problems , just bring them to me . I get to go to state conventions and sometimes national conventions . We all go and Josh mingles with other young werewolves . He 's become a role model for the younger ones and was even a counselor last year at a summer camp that the Mysticals run for young werewolves . This camp is basically like a regular summer camp , but has activities for werewolves specifically that strengthen the body , soul , and mind . " Dione said , " I see . Is this a boy 's only camp ? " Mr . Jecong shook his head and said , " No its a coed camp . It 's located out in the middle of nowhere far from civilization . We do have an alarm system of sorts that notifies us if there are human snoopers about . After all , we are supposed to be a secret . " She said , " What about my parents ? " Mr . Jecong said , " Well , all that we require is that they try to keep quiet about it and only discuss lycanthropy with those that are supposed to know about it . It 's not easy because mages have had a tough time erasing the knowledge from some of the people that we 've come across . Imagine the chaos if the world found out . There wouldn 't be enough people to undo the damage and we would be facing a backlash that hasn 't been seen since medieval times . If that was bad enough just imagine it with modern technology . One would have to be aware of their surroundings all the time . " Dione was shocked because she wondered would her neighbors turn on her if they knew . She said , " Maybe it would help to improve people 's perception about us because after all Josh told me that the Mysticals eventually let werewolves and other such beings into the group . " Mr . Jecong said , " Perhaps , but those were people that knew abouThe Macintoshes were waiting for Dione to come back and she did ahead of schedule . Mr . Macintosh asked , " How did it go with the Jecongs ? " She said , " Fine , it was a very good dinner . I learned so much about what I am . " Her mother said , " That 's wonderful . We knew that you would learn something . " Josh and Dione would see each other regularly in both forms . Once , when they went to one of the university plays , she asked him , " Can I have a picture of you with me ? " He said , " Sure . " She asked a passerby to take two pictures of them . A week later the pictures arrived and had one for themselves . When Josh was 21 , something miraculous happened . The Gene Pools of all the countries united . A Gene Pool was a database of all recorded genetic profiles of a particular country . With this , there would be no more filing special forms . Almost immediately Mr . Jecong received a personal call . It was Mandi Belnades who had moved up in the organization and she had good news . She said , " The instant the Gene Pools unified , we tracked down your mystery father . Well turns out that he came from an influential family and when he killed someone in his alternate form they exiled him rather than executing him . " Mr . Jecong said , " That 's when he made his way here and defiled my mother . If I ever meet him , he 's dead . " She said , " I understand that . Turns out that you have a rather large group of relatives living in Japan , but they know nothing about you . I can arrange for them to receive notification . " John said , " No . I 'll take care of the matter myself , just send information on where most of them live . I 'll take my family along . " That evening he told his wife and son what transpired . Josh said , " That 's great dad . " Mrs . Jecong said , " You 've always been wanting to know about your father 's side . This is the chance for that to happen . " He said , " You know Josh this will be a big responsibility for you considering you are the only one that knows Japanese . " Josh said , " I 'm up to the challenge . " When he got back to the dorm , he called Dione and told her the great news . Not only was she happy for him , she wanted to go with him . Josh said , " You 'll have to talk with my dad about it . No matter what he says , call to tell me what he said . " The young man waited for over an hour , but soon got a call . She said , " Your father said no at first , but I managed to convince him to let me go . " Josh said , " Oh , how ? " She replied , " I said that this would be a great opportunity to meet werewolves in another country . " Josh said , " Well that 's great . I can 't wait for this trip . I wonder what my relatives are like . " Once summer began , the Jecongs , accompanied by Dione Macintosh , flew to Japan . It was a very long trip despite the advancement in aerodynamics . They were met by a middle - aged Japanese man . He bowed and said , " I am Shigeru Fujiyama . I am the head of the Mystical - Hunters here in Japan . " The Americans bowed back and Fujiyama led them to a limo . The trip to Osaka was long and they spent the trip talking . Mr . Jecong asked , " I understand you have located my father . " Fuijiyama shook his head and said , " No Jecong - san . You see , the man himself is dead . His name was Hiroshi Yamamoto . He came from the most powerful werewolf clan dating back to a time before the shoguns . No one knew he had a dark secret until after several murders . " Mr . Jecong asked , " Why wasn 't he executed as the law demands . " Fujiyama said , " He came from a powerful family and they got the lesser sentence of banishment . He found his way to America and several months later we were notified that he was killed by a rancher protecting his cattle . However , what we didn 't know was that he fathered you . The affair was so large , we had to shut ourselves from the rest of the Magical - Hunters while we reorganized . " Mr . Jecong absorbed all this and was pleased that such a werewolf was killed . It was better that way because if he had met the man , he 'd kill him in a heartbeat . However he said , " That is no excuse . No matter his station , he must be dealt with as our law sees fit . Fujiyama said , " We realized our mistakes when the victims cried out . Jecong sighed , " Does his family know about me ? " Fujiyama said , " No , they do not . For Yamamoto 's crime , his family fell from grace even though they didn 't know about it , but they are still an important family . I recall that a few of his closest family and friends killed themselves rather than live with the shame . We are going to the villa of Kenji Yamamoto , his eldest son . " The rest of the trip was mostly silent except a few questions from Dione about lycanthrope traditions in Japan . A little boy answered the door and Fujiyama showed them inside . Josh removed his shoes and reminded his family and Dione to do the same . The little boy yelled something and Josh whispered , " His father 's coming down . " A middle - aged man came down the stairs very surprised . Kenji Yamamoto asked , " Fujiyama - san , what brings you here ? Who are these people ? " Fujiyama said , " I think you need to sit down for this one . I need to speak with you in private with this man . " Yamamoto sent his son upstairs . Josh said , " Dad you need to talk to them alone . Mom , Dione , let 's go outside . Dad , we 'll be outside . " Once the three men were alone , Fujiyama said , " This is Mr . John Takeshi Jecong of the USA . He 's the alpha in charge in Houston , Texas . " Yamamoto extended his hand and greeted him , " Welcome to Japan . A pity that you see us as we are now . Had you seen us 50 years ago , you would have been among equals . However , my father did a shameful thing and we were punished in retaliation . Still , with time we have recovered some of our former glory . " Fujiyama said , " It 's the sins of your father which brings us here today . " Yamamoto was concerned . He was a boy when the whole thing happened and it was painful for him to understand . He said , " Go on . " Fujiyama said , " You recall that your father was banished and sent to America in disgrace and killed some months thereafter . " The man nodded . Fujiyama said , " While there he committed another crime which this man is personally involved . Jecong - san , do you wish to explain or should I ? " John said , " The events that transpired weren 't fully known until today . In the year 2025 on a cool summer night , my parents had gone camping to celebrate their 1 year anniversary . My mother had gone to the bathhouse to use the facilities when your father defiled her . She was unharmed , but I resulted . I am your brother . " Shigeru Yamamoto was shaken and asked , " Has this been tested ? " The other men nodded . Yamamoto was overcome with emotion and cried , " I have a brother , another brother . Those others with you . Your family ? " John said , " Yes . My wife , son , and his girlfriend . " Yamamoto wiped his eyes and said , " You must bring them in . " The fathers called their families in and the two families got to know each other . Yamamoto said , " I was unaware that I had an American brother . I hope that what my father did does not reflect poorly on us . " Jecong said , " No , from what Fujiyama told me . The only one who knew was the man himself . " Yamamoto said , " You must of been confused not being raised by those like yourself . " Jecong said , " Somewhat , but I adapted as did my parents and brother . " Yamamoto said , " Do you have pictures ? " Jecong knew this was going to happen and had brought a photo album profiling the previous 46 years . Yamamoto had his son bring down their photo album . They laid down the albums on the table and talked about the photos . In the end , Josh discovered he had another uncle and two cousins named Nobu who was 25 and Koji who was 10 . That was only the family that was in the house at time which wasn 't including his other Japanese relatives . They exchanged addresses and promised to keep in touch . College was tough but fun and he would regularly get email from his Japanese relatives checking up on him and from young local werewolves seeking guidance . He earned a degree in astronomy because it was very important to the Magical - Hunters . It allowed them to plan certain events . When he was 25 , he struck out on his own and got an apartment . His public business was assisting at the museum in the planetarium , but his other business was assisting the director take notes so analyze on what was going to happen . It wasn 't a perfect science , but it was better than the false psychics on television and their work didn 't require payment from gullible people . Then one day he then received an odd message about a near unstoppable monster from Mr . Wellington his supervisor . He wrote , " Based on the recent notations you took yesterday , I 've come to the conclusion that troubling times are ahead . Not only do they herald a terrifying creature of unimaginable power . A beast that was never meant to be , but they also foretell the end of the world . Be on your guard . " Josh decided to write a letter to the other 5 and mail them himself . He called Doug and told him what happened . Doug was taking a shower when the phone rang . He quickly teleported to the phone and then summoning a towel around him and a towel below him . Before he picked it up he knew it was Josh and he knew something was wrong . He said , " What 's wrong Joshua ? " Josh said , " There 's a good chance that you know what we prevented is going to happen anyway . We need to assemble the team . How about your place ? " Doug said , " It is bigger isn 't it . ? " Josh said , " And your place is in the middle of the rest . " That weekend , the six that defied the present met again to discuss things that they hoped wouldn 't be talked about again . Josh opened the discussion . He said , " You are probably wondering why I still haven 't contacted the MH about our little escapade . The truth is that we felt that it was prevented , but according to my supervisor , it 's going to happen . If I know my astrology , the stars are where they are due to the progress of time , but what was going to happen was prevented , so it would give a false signal . However , I have doubts . " Thomas asked , " What are these doubts ? " Josh said , " Nothing is certain when dealing with time . " Jeff said , " I read in a sci - fi book how the future is immutable . " Josh said , " If so , why are there still cities . Didn 't I tell you about the visions that my father had before his first transformation ? " Doug said , " You told me , but I don 't recall it ever being mentioned with the rest of the group . " Josh said , " Oh . Well to summarize those event . My dad 's counterpart came from a world ravaged by nuclear war . He grew up in a farm town and did much in his sort time . He found his mother and her husband as well as his half - brother , but unlike this timeline , they were reluctant to accept him . They died , but managed to save his brother . Through a ritual , he became a werewolf and the two lived in the farm town for a few years . The counterpart was recruited by a mysterious visitor who claimed travel through time was possible . He did go into the past and prevented the nuclear war , but his life was forfeited . A new timeline was established , but when the counterpart died , my father was conceived through violence , The two souls crossed each other and since they were the same , became one . That gave my father special insight on his alternate life . " The others took it in and they understood why Josh was the way he was . " Eliza said , " You gotta go before the MH Josh . They may be able to do something . " Minerva said , " What could they do ? Five people were barely able to contain the Recombinant . Who 's to say that he 'll be that easy . The alterations of time may make him stronger . " Josh knew then that he needed help . He asked for the phone and called Wellington . Josh said , " Sir , I know what the signs say , and I lived it . " Wellington said , " What ? How could you live what is yet to be ? " Josh said , " There was an accident during high school and me and five others were thrown from space and time and landed in a future time that resulted from what you forecasted . The land was in turmoil and we came across the same monster you described . It 's called the Recombinant . It was made of what can be best described as genetic junk shaped like an ogre with the ability to learn . " Wellington said , " Why haven 't you brought this before the local MH chapter , in fact you probably should of went before the world council . " Josh said , " I was young and felt that the measures we took would prevent it . " Wellington said , " Well , it 's a good thing that you brought it to my attention . Hopefully , it is not too late . I might contact you again . It might also be a good idea to bring those that went on this journey with you if there should be a gathering . " Years of research gone in an instant . Timothy Donner , President and CEO found that the data to Project Recombinant was gone . He questioned everyone and knew that someone in the project destroyed the data , but why ? The Recombinant Project was to create a being that would safeguard the public well - being . However , he blessed his lucky stars and found the last update to the project . Sure it was twelve years old , but at least he didn 't lose it all . He ceased trusting anyone and worked endless hours rebuilding what he lost . Of course he didn 't remember what half the details were and replaced it with new stuff . He was nearing completion and would be ready to show Recombinant to the public . " The record starts now . State your name . " Josh looked up at the man in the robe . Josh said , " Joshua Ryota Jecong . " The wizard said , " State your affiliation to the MH . " Josh said , " I am a werewolf . My father serves as alpha for the Houston Metropolitan area . " The wizard 's eyes lit up and said , " John Takeshi Jecong ? " Josh said , " Yes sir , the same . " The wizard said , " Do I seem familiar to you ? " Josh said , " No sir , you aren 't familiar to me ? " The Wizard said , " I am Nigel Williamson . I 've been interested in your father for years . Ever since he was born to be precise . Do you know why ? " Josh said , " He altered time . " Williamson said , " Ah , I see you know of your father 's alternate life . " The wizard smiled , " I 'll tell you something . My wife Mary had been screaming her head off for hours . When she settled down , I asked her what was wrong . She told me that the superpowers were launching nuclear weapons at each other . Nothing happened , but you see , my wife is a seer . She 's not the run of the mill futurist , she can detect changes in the timeline . When we became aware of your father , it soon became clear . It even became more evident when we picked up footage and other things . The interesting thing is that your father showed up in a secret film that was made by the military before he was born . Then some years later , more surfaced written by one Theodore Sorenson . We managed to take what shouldn 't be known by normal people . Then a few years back , she did her same screaming act and told me that a monster was running around in Houston and that the world was being twisted . Mr . Abel Wellington then emailed me that you had something to do with that , care to tell me or perhaps one of your friends ? " Josh looked back at the others . They motioned to him to continue talking for them . Josh said , " On November 6th , 2066 , we six snuck inside school to destroy a project created by the seniors with funds from OmniPlex . There was a discharge of energy due to the storm outside and we were transported across time and space to 3066 and landed in a pJosh talked for the next few hours and Williamson and the other members of the 7 member panel of the Supreme Council of the World Order of the Magicals - Hunters were beaming with interest . Josh finished with , " When we got back , I told my Uncle Joey and he put an end to the Recombinant Project and quit some months afterwards , or so we thought . Sir , if Recombinant rises , he will be the toughest thing to defeat ever . What 's worse is that we will have to reveal ourselves to the public . While erasing people 's minds works on a small scale , we could never pretend that it didn 't happen . The media is far reaching and we could never blank out the minds of everyone . We don 't have the resources . " Williamson said , " Your very knowledgeable for your age . Everyone take a fifteen minute break while we decided what to do . " The audience shuffled out of the room as the council retreated to chambers . The seven member panel included 3 magic users , a normal human , an incubus , a werewolf , and a vampire . They began debating the issue . While they all agreed that should the Recombinant surface that it must be stopped , they disagreed on whether or not they should be the ones stopping it . The vampire , whose name was Agatha said , " If we reveal ourselves , our lives would be in jeopardy . Just look how Hollywood portrays our kind . " The werewolf , Justin said , " I agree . People would be packing pistols armed with silver bullets . I couldn 't show my face at the firm anymore . " The incubus , Jacob said , " I 'm married to a human . She 'd become an outcast . The lone human , Eleanor , said , " I was saved by a werewolf as a girl . I would hate to think what would happen to his family , but think of the rest of the world . From what that boy told us , the normal government tried to stop it , but failed . A group of teens having powers were able to stop it . Sure we would be revealing ourselves , but at least the world would be safe . One witch , Sophia , said , " I agree . Public knowledge of us is a small price to pay compared with the ruination of the world . " The other witch said , " Yea , if the public knew , we could erase the old stereotypes . " Williamson absorbed the opinions and said , " Then it 's decided , we 'll reveal ourselves , but only if the Recombinant shows up . The six that defeated him in the future are hereby compelled to help us should the need arise . " They filled out of their conference room and told the audience of their decision . It was a nice and shiny day in Houston . President Neil Harris stood before members of the press as Timothy Donner had a big chamber behind them in a curtain . President Harris said , " My fellow Americans . Mr . Donner , a fine example of American patriotism has created this being to fight for America . We need not fear chaos . Donner if you will . " The curtain was pulled revealing a 25 foot tall creature . He pressed the button and the chamber doors parted . Recombinant stepped out and camera clicked on the entity . It seemed like things were going fine until it flailed its arms and started to attack everyone . Secret Service 's attempt to stop it were futile . Everyone ran in all directions screaming . Josh and the others ran towards the creature . Josh ripped off his shirt and cast his shoes aside as he transformed . An Ice Beam shot out of Tommy 's hand and the creature retaliated by shooting a ball of electricity . He had barely enough time to dodge it . His twin , Jeff brought both hands together and shot a wave of fire . Josh 's body became surrounded by energy and he rushed towards the monster and knocked it back . Doug shot his hand forward and shouted " Psi Explosion ! " The monster exploded and they thought that was the end , but it reassembled itself unlike last time . " Eliza called down a bolt of lightning and stunned the creature . The others went in and used their powers , but the monster continued on , Back up was brought in . Katrina Williamson , the granddaughter of Nigel rushed forward with her hands waving and shot out a wave of plasma . Others appeared out of nowhere A vampire dived forward and started to drain the creature 's energy , but was thrown off . Katrina backed off and other magic users used various spells . They got together and chanted a spell . It was a spell that required that several of them to make it work . They ended the spell with , " Singularity Damnation ! " A void appeared and the monster was swept up in it and floated in a timeless void forever . The rest of the humans came back and looked at the young people who saved them all . Josh wiped the sweat off his brow as he gradually became human . He looked up and saw all the people before him ; people who before this day didn 't know that his kind existed . Camera were on them and photographers were flashing their cameras . Reporters started to ask questions , but the President came forward and said , " I 'll handle the questions . " He asked , " Who are you people ? " Katrina stepped forward and said , " My name is Katrina Williamson . My grandfather is Supreme Chief of Supreme Council of the World Order of the Magicals - Hunters . The Magicals - Hunters are a group made up of magic users , supernatural beings , and humans dedicated to the well being of the world . We received forewarning that this was going to happen thanks to Josh here . " Josh nodded and was asked to step forward . President Harris asked , " Who are you ? " Josh said , " My name is Joshua Ryota Jecong . I am a werewolf and my father serves as alpha for the Houston Metropolitan area . " He studied the people 's reactions . They were shocked , but that lasted a short time . Me and my friends here traveled to a future where the Recombinant had killed thousands until he was stopped by my father at his own life 's expense . All this was done by OmniPlex . Not only did they create the Recombinant , but they created a machine that wrecked the world in what was called The Upheaval . We stopped the creature then and now . It will not be coming back . That is all I have to say . " Cameras continued to snap . Katrina said , " My grandfather will be releasing a statement to the world shortly on all media outlets . Good day . The magic users chanted and they all disappeared . Josh and the others appeared at his apartment . His friends left and Josh sat down and watched TV . On every channel , what had happened was discussed heavily . Josh sighed . His social life might be wrecked with his coworkers and customers knowing , but at least he could live in a world that wouldn 't suffer world wide calamities . Then the doorbell rang . He got up and Dione was at his doorstep . She kissed and hugged him saying , " That was nice of you . Sure it cost you your privacy , but at least the world 's safe . " Josh said , " Yea . Hey can I ask you something ? " Dione said , " Sure . " Josh said , " Do you want to marry me ? " Dione said , " Absolutely yes . " Six months later they got married and the President was invited to the celebration . He was never the same , no one was . He had to use a cane from the day of the attack onward because of injuries sustained . The United Nations debated on their response to the Magicals - Hunters and classified it as a recognized international group . A year later , a bundle of joy entered Joshua and Dione 's lives . Neil Harris Jecong made himself known to the world . Josh looked at his newborn son . He didn 't know what was in his son 's future , but he hoped it would be one where he could be a werewolf in an understanding world . Whatever his son chose to do with his life , he would do it as a Jecong and that would mean being an adventurous and courageous person . |
Josh held baby Vivian when she took her first breath in the world , and he has loved every breath she 's taken since . Now Vivian needs a home - a " for real " forever home , and Josh would love to be the one who takes her in . But Josh 's partner , Sammy , isn 't a fan of children of any size or stamp . Will Josh have to choose between being a lover or a parent , or will Josh 's niece work her baby magic on Sammy , giving them all the best Christmas present of all ? Another beautifully heartwarming novella by Andrew Grey . The story as a whole may warm the heart but the reasons behind the setting will break your heart first . Would this story have been a bit better if it had more pages ? Perhaps , but for a Christmas tale of the heart , it 's pretty darn good just the way it is . Another great addition to my holiday shelf . Toby Kincaid loves being the junior librarian in his hometown of Sandy Lake , Ohio . He spends his days surrounded by books and chatting with the library patrons . He especially adores the head librarian , Mr . Miggles , who is kind , witty , knowlegable about everything , and hopelessly addicted to Christmas . Sean Miggles is also pretty cute - especially for an older guy who wears ties and suit pants every day . But Sean keeps himself at a distance , and there 's a sadness about him that Toby can 't figure out . When Sean is accused of a crime he didn 't commit , he gives up without a fight . Toby realizes that he alone can save the library - and their head librarian . Toby will need to uncover the darkness in Sean 's past and prove to him that he deserves a second chance at life and at love too . And while Christmas miracles are being handed out , maybe Toby will get his own dearest wish - to love and be loved by Mr . Miggles . I won 't lie , after reading the title I thought Mr . Miggles was going to be a cat that factored into bringing a couple together , then I read the blurb and realized otherwise . Mr . Miggles may be a bit of a loner but he runs the library well and made it a place of comfort and fun , not to mention he is a hopeless Christmas geek . Toby loves his job as Junior Librarian and it doesn 't hurt that he has a massive crush on Mr . Miggles . My heart breaks for the head librarian when his kindness is slandered in one of the worst ways possible but Toby spurs into action and realizes that his boss has actually been doing a lot more than anyone realized . Merry Christmas , Mr . Miggles is an excellent example of what Christmas means and has just cemented Eli Easton as the Queen of Christmas romance in my book . I 'm already looking forward to whatever tale she brings us next year . As Riley mends under Kyle 's care , a feeling of closeness grows between the two men . But every fairy tale has its complications . Will the two find their happily ever after this Christmas ? Already reeling from being forced to flee his old home town , the last thing that Dire Wolf Clark needs is to find himself attracted to his new Alpha , Bishop . More surprising , is that Bishop seems to return Clark 's feelings . However , Clark has been hurt in the past and the last thing he needs is to find himself in another relationship . So , Clark withdraws and rebuffs Bishop . The last thing Clark expects is for Bishop to continue his chase of the Omega . Will Clark be able to let go and trust again or is he doomed to be alone forever ? Two hundred years ago on Christmas Eve , William Mashinter was frozen in time , cursed by his wife to roam the world on his own , waiting for the love of his life to find him . The love of his life , whom she killed . Time hasn 't healed this wound , and William is tired of the happy holiday and the constant reminders of a love that 's been taken from him . But then the impossible happens , and maybe … maybe he can get a new Christmas perspective . Cursed Miracles is the perfect blend of romance , history , paranormal , contemporary , and it 's all wrapped up together in a beautiful Christmas package , small maybe but Miracles will warm your heart , not to mention spice it up just the right amount , faster than a bag of roasted chestnuts and a glass of mulled wine . A lovely little holiday novella that I look forward to re - reading next year and many Christmases to come . Meg Harding is another new author for me and I look forward to checking out her backlist and future tales in 2017 . The screaming vibrated along Josh 's spinal cord and not in a good way . Reaching for a cool towel off the tray , he wiped his sister Nicky 's forehead , trying to cool her off . " Breathe , remember to breathe like they showed us in class . " Josh tried to keep his voice calm , but his legs were twitching beneath him , and he was doing his best not to hyperventilate . " Fuck the breathing ! Get this out of me ! " Josh barely understood the last part over the cry of pain that had Josh looking to the doctor . There had to be something they could do . " The baby 's not moving , " the doctor said in a calm voice , and Josh knew that couldn 't be good , not with all the pain Nicky was already in . " Bring over a surgical cart . We 're going to need to do a Cesarean . " His voice remained calm even as the activity in the delivery room sped up . Josh watched as everyone moved with a hurried but practiced grace . Nicky was strapped down , injections were given . At least Nicky calmed down and stopped screaming . Josh also saw that her eyes drifted closed , and he looked up at the others in the room . The person monitoring Nicky didn 't seem to notice anything wrong , but Josh still breathed a sigh of relief when her eyes slid open again . " Just sit where you are and stay with her , " the doctor told him , and Josh nodded , wiping Nicky 's brow once again . Josh stayed behind the curtain , but kept looking up at the doctor as a feeling of complete dread settled in his stomach . What if Nicky wasn 't all right ? What if something happened to her ? " Everything is going to be fine , " the doctor told them both , almost as if he 'd been reading Josh 's mind . " We 'll be ready to begin in a few minutes . We 've already given you something to stop the contractions , and you should see your baby soon . " Nicky mumbled something and closed her eyes again . The doctor began quietly asking for instruments , and Josh watched and waited . Under circumstances like this , not that he 'd ever been in a circumstance like this before , but when they were kids , Josh had always held Nicky 's hand . When they saw a scary movie , he 'd held her hand , and when she 'd fallen off her first bike , Josh had held her hand before helping her get back on . Nicky was his little sister , and he 'd always been there to hold her hand . But now , at what seemed like such an important moment , he couldn 't hold her hand because of the arm restraints . All he could do was sit by her head and wipe her brow . " It 's going to be okay . You 're going to see the baby soon , " Josh encouraged her and stroked her cheek even as the activity around them continued . He hoped this would be over soon , because Nicky looked as weak and exhausted as Josh had ever seen her in his life . " You 're going to be a proud father very soon , " one of the nurses said , and Josh didn 't correct her . The father of Nicky 's baby had taken off as soon as she 'd told the lowlife that she was pregnant . Their other brother , Timothy , and his wife , Josh 's bitch - in - law , had actually tried to convince her to have an abortion . Nicky had immediately told both of them to go screw themselves . She was having this baby . It hadn 't mattered to her that she would be forty - one by the time the baby was born , she wanted this child . Josh had supported her then , just like he always had , and he was supporting her now , and he wasn 't about to stop . " Her eyes are closed , " Josh said as he looked down at the crying , openmouthed baby . The nurse turned down the light , and the tiniest baby Josh had ever seen opened her big blue eyes , and Josh felt his heart begin to melt . The nurse lifted the baby and handed her to Josh , who looked down into that beautiful little face , feeling a tear run down his cheek . Turning around , he showed Nicky her daughter . She couldn 't hold her because they had to finish the surgery , but Josh let Nicky look . " She 's gorgeous , Nicky . " " Hello , Vivian , " Josh said softly , greeting his niece with a smile . He knew she couldn 't smile up at him , but she stopped crying and her eyes closed . " Is something wrong ? " Josh asked . Josh nodded and watched the precious child as he held her , waiting for the doctors and nurses to finish with Nicky . Josh sat on the stool he 'd occupied earlier and let Nicky gaze at her daughter . " You did good , Nicky , really good . " Beyond that Josh didn 't know what to say , and his throat closed around his words . He was holding a new life in his hands . Josh had held babies before , but never like this , and the entire experience sent ripples up his spine when he thought about it . This was his niece , Nicky 's daughter , and as close to a child of his own as he was ever going to come . " Happy Thanksgiving , " Josh said to Nicky with a grin . " I can 't think of anything anyone could possibly be more thankful for than this little one . " Nicky didn 't answer , she simply smiled and stared at her baby . The nurse took Vivian from Josh and carefully cleaned her up before placing her in a fresh blanket and handing her back to Josh . It was a good thing his partner , Sammy , wasn 't there ; he hated the sight of blood . Eventually , once the incisions were closed , they checked Nicky over thoroughly before wheeling her to recovery and then into a room , where Josh was finally able to let his sister hold her baby . Once she was , Josh left them alone to get acquainted , and so Nicky could nurse Vivian . " Is everything okay ? You 've been gone such a long time . Nicky and the baby are okay , aren 't they ? " The questions flew off Sammy 's nervously excited tongue . " Yes . They 're both fine . She gave birth by Cesarean , but they 're both fine now . Nicky 's feeding the baby , and I wanted to take a few minutes to let you know what was happening . Both mother and baby are fine and healthy . It 's going to take Nicky some time before she 's 100 percent , but Mom is coming to stay with her . " Relief flowed through Josh . He knew Nicky was exhausted , but so was he . He had stayed up with Nicky through the long hours of her labor , and he hadn 't slept in over twenty - four hours . He hadn 't felt it until now , but with the adrenaline wearing off , he could barely keep his eyes open . After yawning , Josh told Sammy that he 'd be home as soon as he could before hanging up the phone . Next , he called some friends of Nicky 's and gave them the good news . He had a whole list of people that he 'd been given to call and dutifully made all the calls before pushing open the hospital - room door and peering inside . Nicky was resting back on the bed with Vivian in her arms , and both of them looked as though they were asleep . Josh motioned to one of the nurses , and she came inside and took Vivian to the nursery so Nicky could sleep . " Yes . I 'm going to try to get some sleep , and I 'll be back tomorrow morning . You get some sleep and take care of that beautiful niece of mine . " " I will , " Nicky said with a smile . " You get some rest too . " Nicky took Josh 's hand and squeezed it . " Thank you so much for being here . It meant the world to me . " Nicky began to cry , and Josh handed her a tissue from the bedside table . " You know I wouldn 't have missed this for anything . I 'm never going to have a child of my own , so I intend to spoil yours rotten . " Josh gave her his best grin , and Nicky smiled behind her tissue . " No , I 'm not . The world 's just too hard on you , " Josh said before kissing her again . She released his hand , and Josh walked toward the door . " Call if you need anything , and I 'll see you tomorrow . " " I will , " she promised , and as Josh left the room with a wave , he saw Nicky flash him a smile . Josh made it to his car and began to drive home . He stopped along the way for coffee more than once before pulling in front of his and Sammy 's home , a little more than an hour north from where his sister lived in Baltimore . Josh hadn 't been sure if Sammy would be home from visiting his family yet , and he smiled when he saw Sammy 's car parked in its usual spot . Getting out , Josh walked toward the front door , and it opened as soon as he stepped onto the porch . Once he stepped inside the house , Sammy closed the door and then pulled Josh into a hug . " I have soup for you , and Mom sent some Thanksgiving dinner home along with some of her fresh bread . " Sammy refused to let him go even while he talked , and Josh rested his head on his partner 's shoulder , already feeling the urge to sleep beginning to take over . " Come into the kitchen and eat , then we 'll get you up to bed . " Josh was too tired to answer and simply let himself be led by the hand into the large and immaculately clean kitchen . Josh took a seat at the table , and Sammy moved around the space , opening drawers and cupboards . Josh had no real idea where anything was in this room of the house . He and Sammy had decorated the house together and done most of the work required to bring their century - old house back from near wreck and ruin . A warm bowl of turkey soup with a cream base was set in front of him , and Josh looked to Sammy with a grateful smile . " I love this , " he said and felt Sammy 's hand on his shoulder . " I know you do . That 's why I made it . " Sammy smiled at him and sat at the next seat with a cup of tea . " How did it go ? " " It was rough , " Josh told him as he started to eat , the rich , creamy soup sliding down his throat , comforting from the inside . " The baby wasn 't coming , so they had to do a Cesarean . Nicky 's sore , but she 's doing okay . How was Thanksgiving at your mom and dad 's ? " " It was nice . They both said to say hello and to tell you that Nicky is in their prayers . Mom also sent lots of leftovers , and she baked you a special pumpkin pie . " Sammy took a sip from his cup , and Josh smiled . Mona always took care to make Josh 's favorites . He knew where Sammy got his love of food . In many ways , Sammy was the male version of his mother because , like Mona , he said love with food . " I know , but you had something more important to do . They 'll see you around Christmas , and they said they 'll be down for the Christmas party in a few weeks . Mom asked if she should bring some of her homemade caramel corn , and I told her to bring whatever she 'd like . " " Tomorrow I 'm going to ask Nicky to come . She and the baby can spend the night in the guest room . She 'll be ready to get away by then , and I 'll have the chance to spend some time with Vivian . " An image of her precious blue eyes looking up at him in the delivery room flashed in his mind . Josh knew he would never forget that moment as long as he lived . Taking another sip of soup , Josh gazed at Sammy and saw a touch of fear in his eyes . He knew what that meant and had been expecting it . " Just don 't expect me to … do … anything with the baby . I 'm allergic to dogs , cats , birds , rabbits , children , and I like it that way . " Sammy shook his head stiffly . " Babies scare me , you know that . They 're so small , and I don 't know a thing about them . " He shook his head again . " I know you 've talked about children a few times , but I never realized you were that serious . They scare me to death , and don 't get me started on the pooping , peeing , diapers . Oh , and let 's not forget the puke and projectile vomiting . No . " Sammy continued shaking his head the entire time . " I didn 't say we needed to adopt or have a child of our own . You told me how you felt about children when I first met you , and I 'd never try to make you do anything you really don 't want to do . " Josh took Sammy 's hand . " But you know Nicky is going to need help with Vivian . " " I know . You 'll need to help , and I 'll help too . Just don 't expect me to actually hold or take care of her . Once she 's older , I 'll show her how to cook and we can bake cookies and cakes together , but while she 's at that spit - up stage , she 's all yours . " Sammy grinned , and Josh went back to his soup . Once the bowl was empty , Sammy placed a plate with a piece of pie in front of him , and Josh took a bite of Sammy 's mother 's pie and groaned softly as the creamy pumpkin slid down his throat . " By the way , before I forget , Terry called yesterday , and he said they just got in a lamp that he thought we 'd like . There are pictures on the web . It looks really nice , and I asked him to hold it until you could take a look at it . It 's a newel - post lamp , and it 's never been electrified . It looks like it needs some work , but he says it 's nothing we can 't do . I thought it would look great in the parlor . " " Can we look at the pictures tomorrow ? " Josh said with a yawn as he finished his pie . Now that he 'd eaten , his bed was really calling to him . " Of course . Terry said he 'd hold it until Monday for us , " Sammy said , and Josh pushed back from the table . " Do you want to go right up to bed ? " Sammy asked as he took the dishes to the dishwasher . " I 'll be up soon , " Sammy said from the sink as he finished cleaning up the kitchen . Josh walked up the stairs and into the room they used as a family room . He and Sammy entertained a lot , so the main floor included the formal living room , parlor , and dining room as well as their kitchen . They used the extra bedroom upstairs as their television and media room . After turning on the television , Josh lay down on the sofa and turned on the Food Network . It wasn 't long before his eyes began to drift closed , and soon he felt a hand on his shoulder . Sammy took good care of him , there was no doubt about that . They both worked , but Josh 's days were much longer , and his job as a food - systems engineer involved a lot of travel . Sammy worked close to home , and early in their relationship , Sammy simply took over taking care of their home . With Sammy , everything had a place , and Josh could always find what he was looking for . The bathroom light switched off , and Josh heard Sammy 's footsteps in the now dark room . The door to the closet where they kept the dirty - clothes basket opened and closed . Then Josh felt the bed dip , and Sammy joined him . They didn 't curl together like they used to . After almost fifteen years together , they rarely cuddled in bed anymore . Sammy usually complained that it made him hot and sweaty . Sammy did lean close to him , his warm hand stroking Josh 's cheek , and Josh felt Sammy 's weight shift as he was kissed good night . " Love you , " Sammy said before kissing him again . Josh returned the kiss . " I love you too . " He felt Sammy hug him for a few seconds , and then Sammy rolled over onto his side , and Josh did the same . They had a good life together . They were settled and very happy . Sammy took good care of him , and he took care of Sammy . Sure , some of the passion had gone out of their relationship after fifteen years , but that was to be expected . Josh rolled onto his other side , stroking Sammy 's shoulder as he closed his eyes . He was tired beyond belief , but he could not seem to fall asleep . Something was bothering him , but whatever it was seemed elusive and just out of reach . " To everything , there is a season , and every season has its work of the day . Do you know what today 's work is , Toby ? " Mr . Miggles hovered over my desk like the Ghost of Christmas Present . I glanced at the date on my computer screen . It was Friday , November 18th . I groaned . " No . No , please . It 's too early for that . " " Nonsense ! There 's far too much to be done to let it wait until the last minute . Come along ! We 're off to plunder the hidden treasures of this noble edifice . " " This place ? Noble ? What , have you been tasting the eggnog already ? " I put the computer on screen saver and got up from my seat at the front desk with a show of great reluctance . It wasn 't that I really minded the task all that much . It was slow in the library after lunchtime during the week , and I could use a break from the endless work of digitizing our archives . But this was a game he and I played , our familiar roles . He was the buttoned - up , tie - wearing head librarian and my boss . He acted older than he actually was . He was probably in his thirties , but he dressed up for work every day in a suit and tie . The honorific , " Mr . Miggles , " aged him too . The previous librarian had been Mrs . Wisener , and she 'd been there since the dawn of time . No one ever called her by her first name . I 'm not sure she even had one . So when she died and a new librarian was appointed , everyone called him " Mr . Miggles . " It suited him . He was always serious , often sad , and he had an ageless , professorial thing going on . I thought of him as the Socratic ninja of the Sandy Lake Library . He moved around stealthily , getting invisible shit done . And when he did speak , he sounded like he was reading from one of the high - brow books he loved . That wasn 't a retro Kung Fu reference , by the way . He 's speaking of Aesop 's fable , the one with the ant and the grasshopper . The grasshopper is the lazy one who doesn 't store food up for the winter but spends the summer playing around instead . So you can see where he was going with that one . Or maybe the shade he was throwing . The attic of the library was an unfinished space that managed to be hot even in November in Ohio , and we both had to duck our heads to avoid hitting the bare struts in the roof . There were cobwebs and spiders too . I was not a fan of the attic . " Now then . " Mr . Miggles took a clean rag out of a pocket and dusted off some boxes . " All these . And this whole stack . Don 't be shy . " " Are grasshoppers shy ? " I feigned innocence . Honestly , it was entertaining to hear Mr . Miggles talk when he was in a philosophical frame of mind , so I hoped for more . But no such luck . He gave me a hairy eyeball . " You do realize it 's just you and me , right ? " I asked . " So there 's no reason to call it ' Santa 's Headquarters ' right now . " After the last of the boxes were put on the table , Mr . Miggles looked them over with a satisfied smile . " There ! That 's all for now , Toby . Thank you for your assistance . Tomorrow we 'll start the Christmas Surprise Box . " I left him to it and returned to the front desk . No one was waiting . There were a handful of people in the library at this hour , but they were all occupied . I returned to my archiving work with a sigh , glancing toward the conference room now and then . I could see Mr . Miggles through the small window in the door as he opened the boxes and checked the contents . Why did I keep looking at him ? Procrastinating , probably . Anything to avoid buckling back down to archiving . I was tempted to check my email , see if there was anything from Justin . I resisted the impulse and tried to focus . Inexplicably , I had a craving for Christmas music to listen to in my earbuds while I worked . Ugh , Mr . Miggles . It was his fault . He had a thing about Christmas . And even though I 'd only been working at the library for two years , it was starting to rub off on me . Not a shred of tinsel ever appeared in the library until the Monday after Thanksgiving , but the groundwork began in mid - November . Mr . Miggles liked to review the boxes of decorations as though they were troops and he was mapping out a battle plan . He was so serious about it , so engaged . There was a light in his eyes and a slight smile on his face that wasn 't there at other times of the year . Honestly , it warmed the little cockles of my heart to see him like that . Through most of the year , Mr . Miggles had a sadness about him , as if he carried around an invisible cloak made of some suffocating weight . But this weight seemed to be lifted in those few weeks between mid - November and December 24th . He insisted on keeping the library open until noon on Christmas Eve day . It was always with a great show of reluctance that he locked the door for the holiday break , wished me and my family a very Merry Christmas , and trudged away through the snow . Alone . Sitting there watching him unpack boxes in Santa 's Headquarters , I remembered that moment last Christmas Eve . I 'd felt a niggle of guilt and worry as he 'd walked away . As far as I knew , he lived by himself and probably didn 't have anyone to spend Christmas with . Maybe that 's why the library 's Christmas was such a big deal to him - because it was the only one he got . Last Christmas Eve , I felt guilty , as if I should have invited him to share Christmas with my family . I always spend the holiday at my parents ' house with my four brothers , my boyfriend Justin , and about a gazillion other relatives . But I hadn 't invited Mr . Miggles . That seemed like a line you didn 't cross with your boss . Why didn 't he have a family ? He was a bit of an odd duck , but handsome enough for , you know , an older guy . He was tall and in decent shape , had curly brown hair and wore sturdy horn - rimmed glasses that were retro enough to be almost cool . But , like I said , he had this sadness to him most of the time . I had a theory there was something tragic in his past , something mysterious and painful . He reminded me of a brooding character in a Charlotte or Emily Bronte novel . Sort of a Mr . Rochester meets the Phantom of the Opera only with invisible scar tissue . In case it isn 't obvious , I freaking love those books , so that does not put me off in the slightest . Quite the contrary . I found my boss intriguing . A little before 5 o ' clock , Justin walked into the library . His blond hair was shoulder - length and naturally turned up at the ends . His beard was close - cropped and his eyes were pale blue . He wore his lined denim jacket , a red T - shirt , and tight jeans . I admired the view , as I always had . Though these days , I had to admit , the view had less effect on me than it once did . " Hey . " Justin came to a stop a foot from the front desk . He put his hands in his back pockets , which was a bit of a trick given how snug his jeans were . Justin looked frustrated . " Yeah . Well , the truck was making a weird noise today so I took it over to Simpson 's , right ? Wouldn 't you know it , turns out I need new plugs . Three hundred bucks ! I was hoping I could borrow it and go get that taken care of before he closes . I have to drive to Clinton tomorrow and don 't want to risk it . " My insides twisted into a sour , miserable knot . " I 'll be done in ten minutes . " I looked at the clock . " Can we talk about it then ? " " That 'll be too late , " Justin insisted with a note of petulance . " I want to get this done before the shop closes . Can 't you just write me a check or something ? Then I can meet you over at Al 's later . Like in an hour . " His handsome face flashed with annoyance . " Don 't be a dick ! I don 't get paid until the 15th , and I need to get this done today . Do you want me to break down on the highway somewhere ? Don 't be so selfish ! " Mrs . Rosenberry looked extremely uncomfortable . She studied the library carpeting . I felt a rush of shame . I pulled my checkbook from my backpack under the counter . He rolled his eyes . " Because it 's not exactly $ 300 , that 's why . I 'm going to add a little from my account . Jesus , do you seriously not trust me ? " " Hey , Mi - uh , Mr . Miggles , " Justin said flatly . He folded the check , his gaze returning to me . " See you in an hour . " He winked at me , flashed his cheeky grin , and walked away . I checked out Mrs . Rosenberry 's books . My cheeks felt hot with a noxious mix of annoyance and embarrassment . Part of me thought Justin did that on purpose - showing up just before the end of my shift , knowing I wouldn 't be able to argue with him while I was at work . And another part of me thought that was unfair . He 'd probably just found out he needed the new plugs . Why did I doubt him ? Maybe I really was selfish . Two years ago , I 'd finished my master 's in Library Sciences and moved back to Sandy Lake . I started going out with Justin shortly afterward . We 'd gone to high school together , only we hadn 't exactly been BFFs back then . In high school , I was out to two of my closest friends , but otherwise mum on the subject . I never dated girls , though . Justin , on the other hand , had been a jock . He 'd dated a cheerleader . It 's not like Justin was my big high school crush or anything . My life wasn 't that much of a Nicolas Sparks book . But Justin Tremont was seriously hot , and I 'd definitely noticed him back then . So when I moved back to Sandy Lake and learned he 'd come out as gay , and then I saw him at the diner and he showed an interest in me , it had been pretty thrilling . It seemed like another indication that my decision to work for my hometown library had been the right call . Go me . It was true we didn 't have a lot in common . My passion was English Lit and Justin hoped to take over his dad 's hardware store one day . But opposites attract . Right ? Plus , I was young and healthy and horny . It 's a medically known fact that if you don 't use your penis regularly it will wither and fall off . I firmly believe that . I scanned Mrs . Rosenberry 's books - six Regency romances and a book on comfort food casseroles - and put them in a paper bag with handles for her , the way she preferred . She was a tiny thing , Mrs . Rosenberry , and probably in her seventies . She thanked me and tottered off , already trying to read one of the books as she walked and nearly bumping into a pillar . It made me smile . " Are you , uh , all right , Toby ? " Mr . Miggles gravitated to the front desk . He looked worried , and he swayed awkwardly , hands behind his back . There was a knowing , dare I say pitying look on his face that made me feel embarrassed and angry all over again , as if he were judging my relationship with Justin . It was after five , so I grabbed my bag and headed out . The November day was overcast and cold , but I decided to walk around the town park until it was time to meet Justin at Al 's . I spent too much time sitting at work . Sandy Lake has a Main Street , like most American towns . The town park is right in the middle , and it 's across the street from Al 's Pizza , the bank , the clock tower , and the J & J Shop . It 's a big park with a bandstand in the middle , a playground area , and lots of wandering paths and benches . I ignored the benches and walked around , trying to get a little exercise and stay warm . I 'd been feeling that way lately . It had something to do with Mr . Miggles . Or at least , that itchy do - something - itis was worse around him . And after that stupid scene with Justin , I was particularly tense and unhappy . There was nothing wrong with my relationship with Justin , I reminded myself . He was gorgeous , fit , and gay , and that was a hell of a lot of check boxes ticked in a small Midwestern town like Sandy Lake . So he wasn 't an intellectual giant . Or particularly ambitious . Or conscientious about things like borrowing money - he owed me almost two thousand dollars now . But that was only because he didn 't think it was a big deal . And money wasn 't a big deal . Not in the larger , utopian , Thomas More - ish , nonmaterialistic view of life . Which was an admirable way to think , really . The butterflies in my stomach continued to vomit regardless . With a sigh , I headed to Al 's . I 'd have a beer while I waited . " So , then Jimmy was like ' I ordered ten packs of them ! I know I did ! ' " Justin took the last slice from the pizza pan . " Of course , when I checked with the distributor , no order had been placed . Big surprise . " " Hmm . Maybe the order got lost . " I tried to sound empathetic , though it was hard to get worked up over M6 bolts . I filled both our glasses from the last of the pitcher of beer . " I 'm sure he just forgot . Fucking Jimmy . " Justin gave an exasperated shake of his head . Jimmy was an older man who worked at the hardware store with Justin . Justin was always complaining about him . " I swear he can 't remember jack shit . Probably has Alzheimer 's or something . " " He dresses like a professional . He 's the head librarian . What do you expect him to wear ? Jeans ? Rolling Stones T - shirts ? " I tried to keep my tone neutral but wasn 't super successful . Justin liked to rag on Migs . That is , Mr . Miggles . I didn 't like it . Justin studied my face . " Christ , Tobe , I just said he dressed old . Why do you always defend him ? I swear , if I didn 't know any better , I 'd think you have the hots for him . " I let out a breathy huff of derision . " No . But he 's a good boss . I don 't see why we 're talking about him in the first place . " When in doubt , retreat . I changed the subject . " So … the weather 's supposed to be nice on Sunday . Sunny and 60 degrees . " I smiled . " We 're still on for Columbus , right ? " We 'd planned to drive to Columbus for lunch and an early movie , maybe some shopping . " Sorry . We 're expecting a big shipment Saturday afternoon , and Dad wants it unpacked and shelved by Monday morning . We 're low on all kinds of stuff . " He huffed . " You know those big blue eyes won 't work on me . It 's my job , Toby . I can 't just blow my dad off . Jesus , what do you want me to do ? " " I don 't know what time the shipment 's going to arrive , do I ? And Dad wants it out first thing Monday morning . You know I 'm not a morning person . And it might take hours . " " I didn 't say that . " Justin 's voice was thin , like I was being unreasonable . " I should be done by five or so . We can watch a movie at my place . " " That 's what we always do . I wanted to get out of here for a few hours . " I liked living in Sandy Lake , but sometimes I needed time away . I loved big cities too . " So go , Toby , Jesus . No one 's stopping you . Text me when you get back into town . If I 'm still around , you can come over . " Justin ate the last bite of his pizza , watching me with a wary expression I 'd come to think of as his " is Toby going to be a baby ? " face . I hated that face . I swallowed down my irritation . I could argue that it was a date we 'd arranged weeks ago . I could argue that he always wiggled out of going out of town with me . Justin didn 't really like Columbus and seemed more than happy to hang around Sandy Lake until he grew mold . That was his right , obviously , but it annoyed me that he seemed to make less and less of an effort to do the things I wanted to do the longer we dated . But I 'd just sound like a nag if I said any of that . I finished off my beer and said nothing . Justin grinned and wiped his beard with his napkin . " Cool . I 'll see you over there . " He winked , stood up , tossed a ten - dollar bill on the table , then strode away . Sure , his family and pack had always been a bit odd . They lived off the grid - - television , Internet , cell phones , and most books were off limits . As was running water , electricity , and all the comforts that normal people have . Whenever anybody dared to question their Alpha about his reasoning , Bern said that it was because they couldn 't let anybody , human or Dire Wolf , know that their pack existed . While Clark could understand that , he never really quite got the literature and media thing . Even Clark had heard about American Horror Story and he thought he would really like it . Back to the point . The one where Clark was in the pack prison . Which was really a big issue . Especially given the fact that his skinny ass had been curled up in an underground cell for nearly two months . Actually , calling it a cell was an insult to all cells in the world . What he really was in was a shallow hole in the ground . By shallow , he meant a slight indention in the ground that had a set of bamboo bars over him . He was so close to them that they brushed his hair whenever he tried to move around . The fact that the ground was covered with three inches of snow didn 't help matters either . By his best estimate it was some time in December . Well , that and the fact that all the Betas just had an ugly holiday sweater party the other night . They liked to call his current lodgings the " Omega Jail " , because no normal - sized Dire Wolf could fit in it . Even with his thin frame and small stature , every movement caused Clark agony . That was with the exception of the areas that had lost all feeling . His only true hope at the moment was , since they were barely feeding him , that he would waste away enough that his lodging would soon actually be comfortable . Somebody gave the bars a swift kick , causing Clark to jump in fear . If he got the whip one more time , he swore that his already shredded skin was going to slide off his back . As it was , all his fingers were broken , because he 'd dared to curl his fingers around the bars over him . Glancing up from under the overgrown fringe of his blond hair , Clark 's heart began to thump with raw terror . It was Sheen , the Alpha 's Second Beta in command . Oh , and Clark 's oldest brother . Not that it really mattered , since Sheen had turned on him faster than Zoolander during a walk - off . Dad ? Dad , who ? Last time Clark checked , his sperm donor had written him off as dead when the pack discovered Clark was gay . In fact , he was the asshole who 'd turned him in and even worse , was the one who made it a unanimous vote to send Clark to the hellhole . When Clark just glared at his brother , it only urged his brother on . " He found Mom crying over some old photos of you . She 's so weak that she refuses to see you for the defect you are . So , do you want to know what Dad did ? " Even though Clark 's blood boiled at the thought of what his father was capable of , he still didn 't speak . Whatever happened to her could not have been good . Clark was raised in a home where violence came first , then conversation after . All of which had consisted of him begging for forgiveness from the spawn of Satan . His mother had endured the same situation . It was only Sheen , the strong one , the brutal one , who was the apple in his father 's eyes . It was so sickening at times that Clark wouldn 't have been surprised to learn that they held hands while skipping their way to the ballpark . Then after , Sheen probably got an ice cream cone , double scoop , because nothing less would do for the super son . Confusion crept into Sheen 's face . Something Clark had seen his fair share of . Not that all Betas were stupid , far from it . However , there was always one who broke the mold and in this case it was his brother . He was so dim - witted that at times he walked into walls , simply because he 'd forgotten they were there . " Your father . All those years you stood by and didn 't do a damn thing to protect your mother . Correct me if I 'm wrong , but aren 't Betas supposed to protect the innocent ? Not laugh while they are bleeding all over the living room carpet . " Sheen stomped on the bars several times , causing them to bend and beat into Clark 's already up shit 's creek back . Clark had to bite his tongue to the point it was bleeding , but he refused to cry out in pain . That was one thing Sheen would never get from him . No matter how hard he tried . He didn 't deserve it , especially after all the other things Sheen had ripped away from Clark . Sure enough , Sheen unlocked the cage then ripped Clark out of his hole . Pain shot through Clark 's body , both from the iron tight grip his brother had on him and from the simple act of walking . Every old wound in his body broke open and began to bleed . Plus , to add to Clark 's humiliation , he found he 'd been in his near - fetal like position for so long that he couldn 't walk upright . He was reduced to a hunched over gait that would have made Igor proud . Clark 's stomach formed a tight knot . He 'd had the opportunity of having a shower from the prison and it had been far from a pleasant experience . Before he knew it , his clothes were ripped off his body . Then he found himself shivering and naked as he stood in front of a concrete wall . There was a long pause , no doubt with the sole purpose to fuck with his mind . Then the water hit him . The blast was so cold and hard that it took everything Clark had in him to keep standing . And it hurt . Oh God , did it hurt . The icy water instantly made his muscles seize up . At the same time , it bore into his wounds . It was so bad that Clark made the mistake of turning around , exposing his back . As soon as he did that , Clark wanted to kick his own ass for his stupidity . That made it so his back was exposed to the spray . He finally gave up the fight and let out a scream of pain . He clawed at the cement in a desperate bid to keep from falling , but his efforts were futile . Clark dropped to his knees so hard that he knew for sure he was going to have bruises later on . Finally , after what seemed to be forever and a day , they turned off the hose . Clark lay on the ground , shivering both from the cold and the agony ripping through him . I 'm not going to survive this . They are going to kill and bury me in some unmarked grave . Then I 'll only be a ghost , nobody will remember me , with the exception of Mother . Even then she would only mourn for me in private . They left him on the concrete for such a long time , that he eventually stopped shivering . Clark was a paramedic , so he knew that didn 't mean he was getting warmer . He 'd just slipped into the early state of hypothermia . That would be his luck , to freeze to death , balls out for everyone to see . Just as he was accepting that would be a real possibility , somebody threw some clothes at him . While they were the drab , gray prison garb , holes and all , at least they were clean . Clark put them on as fast as possible . His frozen fingers and stiff joints made it a long , almost torturous process . Eventually , he managed to get dressed again . How he wished he had his ability to shift . Not only would his fur keep him warm , but he could at least lick his wounds to heal them some . That was impossible , though . On his arrival to the prison , he 'd been given an injection that made it so he was unable to turn into his Dire Wolf form . Worse yet , it had severed all contact with his inner Wolf , to the point where he didn 't think he 'd ever feel it again . It was such a loss to who he was , that Clark almost felt as if a body part had been hacked off . When they took him back to his cell , Clark was shocked to see that somebody had taken the time to clean it . Maybe , one of these goons actually had a piece of humanity . They didn 't even have to shove Clark in . He was so desperate to get into his ball of warmth , that he willingly crawled in . Soon after , all the torches were doused and the prison was encased in complete darkness . Usually , Clark 's enhanced shifter skills would still have allowed him to see . But , since they 'd taken that part away from him , he could barely make out his hand in front of his face . He was almost asleep when he saw a light beam from a flashlight . To his horror , it made its way to his cage . Then there was a light thump as somebody sat down , next to him . While he might not be able to see her , Clark would have recognized her familiar tone anywhere . They were cousins , but they 'd rarely seen each other , since their fathers didn 't get along well . Okay , maybe it would be better to say that they were mortal enemies and went for one another 's throats the instant they were in the same room . For Clark , that was a normal family exchange , so it 'd never bothered him . In the dim light from the flashlight , Clark could see that she had a large duffle bag over her shoulder . Setting it down on the ground , she pulled out a set of bolt cutters . Within moments , she had clipped the lock off Clark 's cage . He tried to scramble out , but found to his mortification that he couldn 't even stand anymore . Lillian , bless her heart , didn 't show an ounce of pity . She reached in and hauled Clark out . Since he was still unable to stand , she threw an arm around his shoulders and dragged him away . As much as Clark loved her , he couldn 't hate the fact that she didn 't sound the least bit winded . What made it all the worse was that she was an Omega too . If only it hadn 't been for that damn shot , then Clark would have been able to carry his own weight . Now , he was worried that he would end up slowing her down and getting them caught in the process . If that were to happen , Clark would never be able to forgive himself . When they reached a clearing , Clark let out a small breath of relief . While they might have escaped the prison , they were still on pack lands . All the Alpha would have to do was send out his pack of Betas and Clark and Lillian would be toast . Damn , but it sucked to be the weak one . " You bet your sweet ass it is . I rebuilt the thing myself . Of course I had to do it off pack lands , since cars are a big no - no . " She opened the passenger door , the interior light finally giving Clark a good view of her . Her long , blonde hair was tucked into a baseball cap . Several tendrils had fallen and fanned her sweet as peaches complexion . Her blue eyes sparkled with pure mischief , which paired perfectly with the smudge of dirt on her pert nose . She slowly eased Clark into the car . Even so , he still moaned in pain several times . Once he was settled he curled up into the seat as Lillian got into the driver 's seat . Somehow , she was an image of sheer perfection as she sat there , all that steel under her command . Oooookay , that wasn 't helpful at all . " Where ? We can 't go to a human hospital . Even with the shot in my system , they 're still going to figure out that one of these things is different from the other . Don 't you dare say a vet , I may be at my lowest , but even I have my standards . " She shook her head . " No , I have the perfect place in mind . We 're going someplace where you and I are both going to be safe . " As he sits at his large oak desk , staring out at the city of Chicago with its sky - high buildings and abundance of snow flurries , he thinks back to the Christmas Eve that changed everything . The day where his life went to complete hell after being sunk partially in it for a too - long time . The events that led to it . When everything had been ripped from him because he 'd dared to try and touch the stars . He hates Christmas . It 's the only time of year he gets reflective . The one period of time when his pain is more present than ever . So many years later , and it 's still a raw wound . He doesn 't think it ever won 't be . The scenery outside his window changes , his office vanishes , and he 's standing in an old Victorian room , staring at his father from across the man 's desk . His father , Lord Mashinter the Second , is an imposing man with iron - gray hair and an attitude that has people naturally bowing to him . His face is lined with age , his stomach going soft . His eyes are hard , like flint , and they 're not prone to displaying affection . This isn 't an exception . He 's staring at William like he 's talking to an underling , and for all intents and purposes , that is what William is to him . William 's stomach feels like it plummets to his feet . The nightmare he 's avoided his whole life is finally here . Marriage . To a woman he doesn 't love . When he loves someone else . He has to reach for the chair back in front of him , grip tight to keep from falling . His world is being flipped upside down . " Father , " he says , protest on the tip of his tongue . He 's made his feelings on this matter as clear as he could without revealing the truth . He loves Lord Brady Gallagher . And he knows - is painfully aware - that their love isn 't conventional . That it won 't ever be accepted amongst these people he calls friends and family . Andrew grew up in western Michigan with a father who loved to tell stories and a mother who loved to read them . Since then he has lived throughout the country and traveled throughout the world . He has a master 's degree from the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee and now writes full time . As an addicted reader of such , she is tinkled pink when an author manages to combine literary merit , vast stores of humor , melting hotness and eye - dabbing sweetness into one story . She promises to strive to achieve most of that most of the time . She currently lives on a farm in Pennsylvania with her husband , three bulldogs , three cows and six chickens . All of them ( except for the husband ) are female , hence explaining the naked men that have taken up residence in her latest fiction writing . Stephani Hecht is a happily married mother of two . Born and raised in Michigan , she loves all things about the state , from the frigid winters to the Detroit Red Wings hockey team . Go Wings ! You can usually find her snuggled up to her laptop , creating her next book or gorging on caffeine at her favorite coffee shop . Meg Harding is a graduate student , currently studying MA Publishing in the UK . She 's an editor and a lover of fanfiction . When she isn 't writing she enjoys the theatre , concerts , and lazing about in front of the TV . Meg Harding is a graduate of UCF , and is completing a masters program for Publishing in the UK . For as long as she can remember , writing has always been her passion , but she had an inability to ever actually finish anything . She 's immensely happy that her inability has fled and looks forward to where her mind will take her next . She 's a sucker for happy endings , the beach , and superheroes . In her dream life she owns a wildlife conservation and is surrounded by puppies . She 's a film buff , voracious reader , and a massive geek . What a wonderful post holiday treat ! Saw a post about it on Facebook and immediately went to read it . I absolutely LOVE , LOVE , LOVE Jory and Sam and the entire cast of characters from Mary Calmes ' Matter of Time Universe . I think I love . . . I loved the blend of holiday and paranormal that brought Hearts Alight to life . I don 't know just when I loved such a cynical character such as Dave , his hatred of the commercialism of the holidays has begun to cloud his judgement . It ta . . . What a lovely take on the legend of Krampus ! I 'm not going to say too much about Krampus Hates Christmas but I will say that it is a perfect blend of holiday , paranormal , romance , and just plain fun . I just could not put this down until . . . What do I say about Snow in Montana that could even begin to come close to successfully express how much I loved the latest installment of the Montana series ? It 's RJ Scott ! Okay , maybe I need to say more , lol . Snow might be Ryan and Jor . . . Because Glass Tidings is a holiday story , we all pretty much know where it 's going to end up but sometimes it isn 't about the end but the journey . Which is exactly what Glass is about , the journey for both Gray and Eddie . Gray is a bit o . . . Once again , another new author for me and what a great introduction and I look forward to checking out more . Who doesn 't love an ugly Christmas sweater ? Okay , love might be a bit strong but they are certainly part of the fest . . . If you are looking for something different from the happy , happy holiday reads then Nicolas is the one for you . A delicious blend of good , bad , sexy , torture , mystery , paranormal , and well just about everything in between . I first came a . . . |
It is I , Bambi . How do you like my picture ? Kind of sultry . Huh ? It 's been pretty quiet today . There 's no scent of Mr . Jeffery outside , nor inside . We haven 't seen him since we all went in the car that day . We all had gone in the car , which made Ninja pretty nervous . It seems that Spyder doesn 't mind the car at all . He was in his little cuddlesome soft side carrier , and fell asleep . I like riding in the car . I thought Jeffery did too . But , all of a sudden he was pretty upset . We all were worried about him because he was acting so strange , and then he got very quiet and Elizabeth gave out such stressed emanations . So she tooke to the vet and then we didn 't see him anymore . Ninja and I have taken turns going to the screen doors and sniffing , but neither of us can get anything . He hasn 't slept in any of his favorite spots . He 's not under his tree . We haven 't heard him calling us either . Ninja usually goes to get Elizabeth to open the door for him . But , there has been no need , now . It is strange . This is the longest time he has been away from home . Perhaps he is still at the Vet ? or maybe he has gone exploring . He has often told us of his old home where the forest animals and giant trees live . So , maybe he went there . I hope not , it sounds like a scary place to me . Mr . Jeffery said the last time he was there , a terrible fire ate all the trees , chased him and his forest friends away and scorched his fur . Ninja has been coming into the room where we have our scratching house and sleeping with us instead of on top of the bookshelf above Elizabeth 's bed . I guess he is a bit lonesome for Mr . Jeffery , and wants to be with us for company . Little Spyder and I were playing today and he ran right over the bed leaping up the curtain . Then he walked across the top of it for a short bit . But , you know , he isn 't very balanced and the next thing I knew , before I could give him a warning to get down , he fell right through the place where the curtains hook on to the rod . I was shocked . It happened very fast . I could do nothing but stare Posted by Yesterday , when Esther came to help out , I just couldn 't bear to tell her about Jeffery . He always greeted her when she arrived . I 'm sure he had affection for her , though he had an ulterior motive , too . She always opened a fresh can of cat food for him . Because his tummy couldn 't tolerate as much food as the other cats , she would give him a quarter of a can at a time , over a period of three or four hours . Because he would eat and then ask to go out , then a short time later ask to come in and eat again , he was very happy that she accommodated him . I couldn 't bear to tell Ester about Jeffery 's not being with us anymore . I knew I would fall apart . I needed some time to just process the whole thing . So , I kept running out to do an errand or two and we didn 't have much time to chat . So , today when she arrived , I asked her to go out into the garden with me in front of Jeffery 's pine tree . I showed her the little curved bridge I had created and the little pile of dirt beneath it , the catnip and flowers ( now wilted ) I had placed upon it . I explained that Jeffery was there , and the circumstances surrounding his death . She had a very astute observation that had not quite occurred to me . I had presumed that Jeffery had freaked out because of memories of being caged regarding the fire . What Esther pointed out to me was that the area I was driving by when Jeffery started freaking out was the very area where the forest fire had occurred . Maybe he could smell the remnants of the scorched trees , where the trauma had occurred and that was what had triggered his freaking out . Later , I was sorting through some papers and came across the veterinary records of last July when I first adopted Jeffery . I recall that when I adopted him from the shelter , where he was scheduled for euthansia I had to sign a waiver saying I knew he was very old and not in the best of health . I had not remembered what I now have read on his medical record from last year . He had a heart murmur and signs of renal disease . It is all making better sense to me now . I Posted by I didn 't want to leave without saying good bye . So , granted my last wish , I am here to tell my story . This morning , bright and early , the alarm went off . Usually I am the alarm , so I was a bit surprised . Is today to be moving day ? I hope not . I have spent my life living in my wonderful forest , then the fire came along and my life as I knew it was gone . Then , coming here to live with Keli and Elizabeth wasn 't so bad . Though I missed my forest , at least there are those two pines out front I could lay beside and enjoy the fragrance of old times and dream old dreams . I know I haven 't been doing well lately . I forget things , A LOT ! I come in and go out , and come in and go out , and I can 't remember . Did I just come in ? It seems like I haven 't been out all day , so I ask to go out . It 's sort of the same with food . Though Elizabeth leaves a feeder out where any of us can have a meal to our heart 's content , sometimes I forget where it is located , and it has been worse lately to the point of frustration . Elizabeth literally has had to pick me up from the door and remind me to eat . Or sometimes I have just eaten and I go back to eat . I forgot that I already ate . That really causes a problem because then I up - chuck on the furniture , the bed , the carpet , whereever I am located . I really feel confused when that happens . The kids call me old man . I 'm now 18 . I 've had a good life . Did I tell you before ? I can 't recall . Sometime I 'll tell you about the good old days . Well anyways , Elizabeth was gathering everyone up and placing them inside there travel cages . I was outside and she was looking for me . Those plumbers had arrived and were planning to start up the jackhammer . I 've heard a lot of big noises before but I wasn 't wanting to hear that . So , I quickly slipped to the back door , did a polite meow and waited . I could tell Elizabeth was relieved . The kids were disgruntled with me for holding them up . I just did a hiss and that shut them up . I get tired of hearing them complain . If they would only calm down , they would be more relaxed , lPosted by It is I , Bambi . Since Jeffery has no interest in blogging this evening and the other two boys are distraught , I thought I might fill you in on what has been occurring . It was a flurry of nervous tension as things were being pulled out of cupboards and packed in boxes . Ninja got very depressed . He said this is what happened before he ended up in the Pacific Grove Shelter when his people got divorced . He keeps thinking that Elizabeth is going to take him to the shelter again . I tried to reassure him , but I am in some doubts myself . I have seen boxes packed over and over in my almost two years of life , but I didn 't end up in the shelter . I was fostered that last time . Before that , I just got moved from house to house as my person couldn 't stay very long . She was going to school and could only live in a room . That was a problem . I go quite grouchy and the others who lived there didn 't like that . Then one of the other relatives kept me for a while , and then the boxes got packed again . That was when my kittens disappeared , too . I don 't have any kittens anymore . But , I do have little Spyder in my life and I would like him to stay with me . He is a rambunctious play partner . He takes my breath away , sometimes . But , I will teach him some manners , yet . Spyder is taking all this in his stride . He doesn 't have any bad associations with boxes , so he is having fun exploring them and poking around in the open cupboards . It wasn 't until Esther came over that we learned what all the fuss is about . Someone is coming here tomorrow to tear a whole in the kitchen floor and make a big mess fixing water pipes . Apparently , this will be very noisy all day long because of machines . I hear the washing machine and I don 't like it , but have gotten used to it . I don 't think any of us would be able to tolerate louder noises . Well , I suppose we would if we had to . But , I hope we don 't have to . Elizabeth brought home a pretty pink travel crate for me . I really like it . She put a piece of my favorite sheepskin inside and I went in and checked it out . VeryPosted by Sudenly a big scary monster came to da bak door . It was open , but scrreen was closeded . Still it big n scarey . So Ninja give da signal . Grrrrrr ! let 's get outta here . I look at Bambi . SHe no movin ' She starin ' down dat monster . I so scared . Ninja say agin , let 's go ! But , I stand dair waitin ' fer Bambi to come away from dat screen door . I no wants her get hurt . She my bestest friend , and I no want sumpin happen to her . She not movin ' She jus starin ' real hard at monster . Monster , he got big eyes . He look like very bad guy , Big fur all over . Big ringo tail . He stink so bad . But , he see me . He see Ninja . He see Elixabet an ' he not look scared . We got 4 . He got 1 . He not scared ? Bambi , she very quiet , den she say at monster . " Now I gonna tell you once " she say . " and den you go way very fast . You hear me eow dirdy raccooonn ? " she say . He blink him eyes at her . He hardly don 't believe this liddle white cat be so seryus to challenge him ! I hardly don 't believe it too . Where she get da courage ? Don 't she know she so small an he so big guy ? Ninja , he be so ready to run . I can tell . We is sticky hair up in airs . But we don 't want leave her alone wit monster . Maybe he rip screen an take her away ! Maybe he bite her , maybe rip off her pretty white fur . Maybe he tear her face . Oh ! soooooo scarey ! Den , Elixabet , she notice sumpin ' goin on . " It about time ! " I say . " It about time ! " She get up an look , an den I so scaared an Ninja so scared dat Elixabet do dat , we disappear in one second . Zip zip zoom ! Whoosh ! But , jus one thing . I disappear right into da wall . Well , not eggzackly . I run so hard . no look whair I goin ' I smack my head on wall . Ow ! Ow ! Owie - Ow ! I see stars everywhair . How dat happen ? I feel weerd , but , I no stop , I keep on goin ' zippety - zip . Den , I forget a secon . I don 't know what happen . I suddenly in udder room . Don 't member how I gots there . Ninja he hear wit me . Ninja look at me wit big yellow eyes . Are ' eow okay ? he say . I guess so , I say . Den Ninja say , " In not scared . I jus runned away to do famous ninja trick . I sneak like silent Ninja , nobody know I see dem ! Follow me . I show eow how " he say at me . So , we peeks aroun da corner an see what Bambi do now . Bambi gots her pose a quiver pose , she gonna jump that raccoon guy , she gonna really let him have it real hard . She mean it wit all her heart . I think she gonna try and scare him forebber ! But , Elixabet she some rescue ! She stand up fast , ( never know how dose hoomans do dat wit only 2 legs . How dey keep balance so long ? ) She make big lion noise . Raccoon scared now and run away . Good thing too , cuz Bambi she pushed up against screen real tight now . I think she was gonna eat up da monster Me , I a scaredy cat . Ninja he a woosy cat . Bambi . She my hero . She so brave . I got to learn how to do dat . Heh ! Heh ! Heh ! Those guys are sleeping again . Lazy Cats ! So , I 'm writing again today . It 's me , Ninja , the Panther in Disguise ! Elizabeth went away for a while today . We were all very curious about her preparations before she left . She went out to the garage and brought back the picnic cooler , and set it down in front of the fish tank . Then , she took a jar and dipped it in , and dumped the fish water into the cooler . We saw her do that before when she took the out and drove it away last month . So , we were waiting for the exciting moment when she would grab the net and catch a fish . It would have been so cool to stand on the side of the picnic cooler and look down on the fishy , like Bambi and Spyder did that time with the Plecostmus . But , we were disappointed when she just closed up the cooler and left the house . Several hours later , she came back . And , guess what ? This time she had fishies in the cooler ! LOTS of them ! ! ! They are going to be fun to watch , I 'm sure . They are a very deep orange , almost a red color . I know they say that kitties cannot see colors , because we have no rods in our eyes , but that is not true . I was surprised that Bambi did not spend much time investigating the new fishies . She got bored fast and went to lie down . Spyder , on the other hand , jumped right up on top of the tank , instead of on the bench that sits there just for us to look inside . That little guy usually sits on the bench . When he got up on top , he was looking very hopefully through the cracks in the lid parts . He is very fortunate that he did not fall in , as the top to that tank really isn 't very secure . Elizabeth needs to get something better . Especially if Spyder is going to do things like that ! I wouldn 't dare jump up on top of the aquarium . I am strong and muscular and outweigh Bambi and Spyder , both . So , I would probably end up going swimming ! The kids ( Bambi and Spyder ) and the old man , ( Jeffery ) are asleep and I 've got the computer to myself . Let me introduce myself . I 'm Ninja . Today was an unusual day . We had unexpected visitors . Well , maybe Miss E knew they were coming , but she certainly didn 't tell any of us . We only found out when she gathered us together and put us all in the spare room , except for Jeffery . He doesn 't like to hang out with us . The few times she tried to put him together with us , he was so mean , and poor Bambi cried at the door until Elizabeth opened it . Jeffery ran out straight to the front door and begged to be let out . She always gives in to him ! He is the only one allowed out . I guess cause he doesn 't go very far . Bambi and I would choose to explore . I know if I got out I would check out the whole neighborhood and not come back til I was done . I 'm sure Miss E knows this quite well , cause she keeps an eye on me and I get a squirt from the Scat Spray Water bottle any time I get too close to the door . But , I just want to smell the world ! Doesn 't she understand that ? So , I have to use my ninja tricks to silently sneak past her so I can hang out by the door . A guy can just sniff the air can 't he ? I really must get out there sometime if I can just find a way ! After I tore the holes in the screens those first two times I got out , they fixed it so I can 't do that anymore . So , finding a way out is more challenging now . As a ninja master , I shall be patient . Everything will fall in place . I haven 't learned to walk through walls yet . But with practice , we shall see . Back to the visitors . Elizabeth 's son came with a friend . So , we were introduced one at a time . I can tell her son really likes me , so I just sort of sleepily ignored him , while he stroked me . Ninjas must keep their emotions under control and not let others know what they are thinking ! Since I was in the bedroom up on my special place of honor on the bookcase headboard , I didn 't watch as the guests were led into the other room to meet Bambi . Oh , she is such a hussy ! Kissing up to them like that . Straining her neck to be rubbed and squirming to their sweet talk . I 'm not jealous , I just think her immaturity gets in the way of her maintaining any sense of dignity . I was surprised at Spyder 's reaction . He is always so interested in everything , so curious about everything . Always checking things out , always strutting through the house as though it was his to conquer ( well it is , actually ) , it never occurred to me that he might not be wanting to be associated with introductions to new humans . Elizabeth had to go hunt him down . Once she finally found him she carried him out to the living room like she was about to show off a precious treasure . Well , I guess he is in a way . Though , I know this family would not be able to function without my guardianship of our treasures . I learned how to be a guardian in my previous life . I mean the home I lived in before I came here . My Sensei 's were two dogs . They weren 't very good at teaching me how to meditate . They said I was better at focus and concentration than them . Guarding , on the other hand , was more difficult to learn . I can wag my tale well to welcome someone , but I just never got the barking down to a fine art . My Sensei 's did tell me , though , that my deep throated warning meows are very effective . And I must agree . A good guarder doesn 't need to come across as a wild cat , or a grumpy old man wild cat . One needs some finesse to carry off the job appearing threatening without appearing to be a danger . Appearing too dangerous can end up in very bad situations , about which I have only heard whispers . Well , on with my story . Where was I ? Oh , yeah . There was Spyder hiding out , trying to make himself invisible . That doesn 't work very well if you are going to come running the second a feather toy is waved in front of you ! So he was taken out to meet the guests . I could sense his distress . Even though they admired his oddly matched eyes and praised his pretty white hair and complimented him on his little black top hat , he was having none of it . Never relaxed , never warmed up and worst of all , never got the petting , cuddling and attention he deserved . I will have to take him under my wing and teach him how to greet guests more calmly . He has to learn first and foremost , Cats are in charge , not the other way around . If you are going to hide under the bed , then hide under the bed and stay there , while they go through all the wheedling motions to try to get you to come out . After they give up and go away , Then you can make your big entrance . They will be so much more impressed with you that way . They all went away for a while so we listened to the stereo while they were gone . I love it when the traditional Japanese music is on . Bambi is into the sentimental music called " torch songs " . I can see why . Those high female voices have great modulations . They actually can resonate quite well with our own tonal qualities . Spyder is totally clueless about music as of yet . Though , I notice he gets really calm when there is harp music playing . When Elizabeth and her son returned , this time there were three other female humans with them . It was quite exciting , as they all smelled of fish . I could smell them when they first arrived . They were still outside and one of the girls offered sushi to Jeffery . He turned his nose up at it and walked away . Go figure ! ! ! I guess he still prefers wild squirrel from his old forest home . So when they all came inside , Bambi and Spyder were out there in the living room in a flash . They were right up their sniffing fingers and everything . Spyder had lost his shyness so easily , it was amazing . It took a long time for Spyder to get his name . The shelter gives a name to each cat that arrives , if it was not surrendered with a name already given by it 's family . Since Spyder and his siblings were found kitties " stray cats " , they were given names that were related to the neighborhood in which they were found . Crespi was the name given . Ugh ! I knew that wasn 't the name he was meant to have . Since Spyder has a unique appearance , Zenmonk and I tried out several names to fit his looks . Spyder has one blue eye and one gold eye . I know that David Bowie has different colored eyes and we tried on names related to him . David was out of the question as I have a brother by that name . We thought of names of his songs . Rebel was out of the question , too . I believe the name we carry applies to our personality and I didn 't want a Rebel cat . Since Spyder is all white with just a touch of black on his head , I thought perhaps he could be named after a childhood kitty who he resembles . . . Topper . But , no . that was not his name . Zenmonk wanted to name him Mohawk or Geronimo . It was Geronimo for a while . But , Spyder certainly didn 't respond to it . Zenmonk still calls him that , and that 's okay . We will see if he will change over to Spyder . One day , as I picked him up and held him like a little baby in my arms , I began singing to him . Do you know the song ? " Can she bake a cherry pie , Billy Boy ? " So , I thought , Ah Ha ! That should be his name . Billy Boy . But , no , as he grew up into an adult cat , he would have such a sissy name , so I thought , okay , Billy would be nickname for Bilbo Baggins . But , Bilbo , still was not what I thought to be a good name for an adult cat . Too stuffy . What a curmudgeon name , even for a traveler on an adventure . So , Billy Baggins was next ( and that 's the name I told the vet when I took him in for his first check up ) . But , you know , sometimes a kitty names himself . There I was one day when Bambi was playing with a mousie in the bathtub . Funny cat ! And suddenly I saw a spider scurrying across the tub . Bambi got very ePosted by Bambi and Spyder have discovered a little moth flying around the hanging lamp in the bedroom . Spyder has demonstrated his little chirping behavior to me before when I use the lazer light for him to chase . But , tonight ( this morning , as it is after midnight ) he was unable to stop as he was watching the moth . I was enjoying the show , when suddenly the moth disappeared . I had seen Spyder try to catch it in his mouth , so maybe . . . well , maybe . . . he had eaten it ? ( Shall I change his name to Mothra ? ) But , he seemed quite confused as to what happened to the moth . Then , I noticed that the moth had landed directly on his nose , right between his eyes ! ! ! This is the story of Spyder , who I adopted the end of July . I haven 't been able to focus enough to tell his story until now . As you know , I was so filled with grief about the death of Keli , I just wasn 't functioning well . I was visiting the Watsonville animal shelter to show pictures of Bambi to the woman who had fostered her , ( Tara ) when I passed by the newly accepted kittens cage . I really didn 't have in mind to adopt another cat . I already had three others . I just like to look at all the newbies whenever I visit . There he was among his siblings . They all ignored me except little Spyder , who rolled over and looked at me eye to eye . Then , he blinked at me . So , I blinked at him , and he blinked back . This was a very alert and conscious kitten in my opinion . And , he was beautiful and entirely unique . It was love at first sight . I asked about him , but since he had just arrived , he was not available yet . He had to be seen by a vet , given his shots , and neutered before he would be placed for adoption . It was not even determined yet , if he would be offered at my local shelter or the one further away in Santa Cruz . Whenever I dropped in after that , I asked about him . The shelter did not have any way that I could request him ahead of time or put a hold on him . I just had to take my chances and trust that if it was meant to be , he would come to live with me . A couple weeks later , I dropped in just before closing , and there he was . Unfortunately , I would have to adopt him immediately , as there was no guarantee he would be there the next day , and I had to drive to Stanford then , to see the doctor . I had to make my decision at that moment ! Fortunately , I just happened to have a kitty crate in my car at the time . I stressed about taking this new baby home with me , then abandoning him locked in the bathroom by himself for many hours the very next day , but there were no other options . I had to take him right then and there . And I was lucky they knew me as normally they would have shooed me out the door . As I mentioned before . . . it wPosted by Last night I heard a terrible caterwauling outside the house . It was a serious cat fight . I looked about and realized Jeffery must be involved . Ninja , Bambi and Spyder were standing by the door with hackles raised . They knew it too . I couldn 't get out the door fast enough , grabbing my spray bottle on the way . How many cats could I squirt at one time ? As it turned out it was the neighbor 's kitten , who is older than Spyder , but younger than Bambi . Jeffery was hunkered down beside the water pipe that attaches to the hose . The neighbor cat had withdrawn when I came outside , but didn 't go far . I had to encourage him to leave with the spray bottle . This was a surprise because Jeffery is usually threatening enough that any cat backs away . But , not this time . He had quite a bit of fur tufting out all over , plus a great deal on the ground . I felt so bad for him . I wish he wouldn 't beg to go out so much or stay out so long . He doesn 't go anywhere but right by the door or in the driveway . I can 't imagine what started the rucus . Today , the hierarchy continued to get changed . Perhaps it is because of what happened last night , or maybe it is just a coincidence but Bambi has taken over as queen of the house . Ninja , as I mentioned before has been her target , but today I saw Jeffery wanting to get past her and did everything he could to avoid her . But , she guarded the hallway and he had no choice . He slunk past her as quickly as possible . Both my older boys are now , ( how shall I put it ? ) pussycat whipped . Now I understand where that phrase really originated ! Bambi better watch out , though . As much as she has been mothering and protecting Spyder , he is gaining on her in the rough play department . He is starting to win their little play sessions . So we shall see who will rule the roost tomorrow . Just as I finished writing the above and posted , little mister Spyder ran up on the bed , aimed himself for the wall of the closet door and flew . I mean , he flew . And he was able to grab hold with his claws for a moment so that he hung about six feet from the ground on the edge of the wall by the closet , before he voluntarily leaped down . Actually that was Spyder who liked the sheets . Keli used to love playing under the sheets . I could never change the bed or straighten it up without her getting involved . I miss her so much . But , it is fun to see Spyder doing the same thing . Brings me smiles . Ninja wanted a lot of attention after she left , did a lot of nudging on me while I rearranged the book shelves and climbed up on my lap for pets a couple times . Then went over to the sofa to sit and watch me . How can a cat be fascinated with watching someone pull books off a shelf , and move them around ? This evening Bambi and Spyder were running around wildly chasing each other and at one point they both leaped up to the same spot on the dresser and banged their heads together ! I have often seen them run into doors and chairs too . Last night I couldn 't believe my eyes when I saw Spyder fall off the bed from just turning over . Who ever said cats were graceful ? So , Spyder ended up on top of the armoir where the TV screen is located and I caught him chewing on my cell phone plug . I grabbed my handy dandy little red lazer light and he was on the floor in a flash ! He and Bambi wore themselves out playing with the light . They try to climb the wall to get to it . I enjoy aiming at the ceiling and watching their reaction . Bambi , being almost two years old , just sits there with a look of disgust on her face , like she isn 't even going to bother with that ! But , Spyder just thinks that makes it all the more fascinating . Have you ever seen a cat at the windowsill watching the birds and doing that little excited chirping thing they do ? Spyder keeps his eyes on the ceiling and will climb over anything just to keep his eye on the lazer light , all the while he is chirping his little heart out . Ninja , on the other hand , at age seven , soon to be eight , can 't be bothered with the lazer light . He 's got it all figured out . He knows darn well I control that light and it is not magic at all . Though I have caught him quietly playing with mousies once in a while . And if the other cats are not around , I can get him to play with the string , or feather toy . Jeffery . . . Well . . . . " Toys are for kids . Get that thing away from me ! " Grrr . Hiss ! Poor Jeffery . He 's two years younger than Keli , but seems a decade older . She had arthritis those last few years , but he has ARTHRITIS ! She had good appetite right up to the end , and kept her weight stabilized . He was skinny when I got him , and skinnier now , no matter how much I feed him . He seems so frail . I keep wondering if I am unfair to him . I wasn 't able to judge how much Keli was suffering until that last day , so how am I going to be able to make a good judgment about Jeffery ? Though he gets around , in and out all day long , comes and goes as he pleases , eats what he wants , tells the little ones to bug off , and has his own special sleeping spots that are entirely his , is this good enough ? How does it compare to the Jeffery that lived his life before the forest fire ? before he lost his people and home ? before he went to the shelter ? before I adopted him ? I like to think that he was a sleek muscular cat who climbed trees , chased mice , drank from the creek and rolled in the dusty sunshine . And I think his people loved him a great deal . He is very demanding for his special kind of attention . Since he is so long he can stand on his hind legs and touch the kitchen counter with his front paws . So when a person is about it doesn 't take much for him to let you know he wants something . And if you are sitting down , he doesn 't just take up your lap , he stretches from knee to shoulder . On FB , a friend had some kind of quiz . Name five movies you know by heart . I thought about it . . . and got a few . Then , one that has a song that popped into my mind , but couldn 't recall the name of the movie . But , here we go . . . The Muppet Movie . and the song . The Rainbow connection . This one is not performed by Kermit , but by Sarah Mclachlan . The visuals in the vid are lovely . Take a moment and savor it . I am sitting here watching it and Spyder is lying in my arms clearly more interested in the music than the visuals as he is purring away . If I could purr I would purr the moment of contentment this has brought me . Posted by But first get the picture . Ninja has put on weight since he came to live here . He 's getting a bit chunky and heavy and slow moving . He would like to play with the others ' but makes half hearted attempts . They tear through the house like banshees while he has barely made one swipe towards a mouse that they have carried off with them batting it through the air like a room to room volleyball game . Since Bambi and Spyder play so hard and so often they have bonded . Bambi is a small size girl . She will be two years old on the day before Christmas . But , she still looks like she might be about 9 months old . She has delicate short legs and tiny paws , a short tail and a sweet round face and head . When I brought spyder home he was claimed to be 3 months old , but when I took him to the vet , Dr . Neow , can you believe his name ? he said Spyder was probably only two months old based on his teeth . In this very short time he has been with us , he now is almost as tall as Bambi . He 's slim , but has long legs and long tail . I have a feeling it will be a very short time and he will be bigger than them both , perhaps as large as Jeffrey , who measures 34 inches from nose to tail . I think that is close to one meter . Due to the bonding between them , I notice that Bambi 's mother instinct is active . When she was adopted , I was told she had had kittens at one point , so I think she 's got some motherly behaviors developed . I played a youtube vid with live kittens mewing , and she was in her in a flash looking for them and calling them . She also calls Spyder when she can 't find him . She will lay on her side sometimes as if welcoming kittens . Keli never did that unless it was hot weather . When she and Spyder play , even though they get rough , she is always the top cat in the end and determines when they will stop , and he respects that . Ninja has been craving more attention from me , so when I come in from being out , he comes up to me for pets , along with Bambi who has always greeted first . Later this evening after the two angel babies were tired of playing and somewhere in the other room , Ninja came up on the bed nudging me for attention . I picked him up to move him into an easier position to pet him , but he made a complaining sound . In an instant I heard Bambi 's collar jingling . Ninja roughly pulled out of my grasp and leaped to the headboard . By this time she was all over him . Amazing how scared he appears to be as he crouches down and growls half heartedly in defense . She realized he hadn 't been anywhere near her Spyder , and looked at me , then laid down beside me and kept staring at him until he looked away . The insanity has gone underground , or asleep , maybe . I have been able to enjoy a day or two now without feeling such angst . There are others who have died in my life recently and I had to get to the business of taking care of their memorial pages . Even though , it is still focused on a " morbid " subject , I feel I am accomplishing something for the benefit of others . Last night Ninja kept bothering me . Pushing up against me , acting all nervous . I got up several times to see if there was something he needed . Food in the bowl . Jeffery in the house . All was okay . Finally , he settled down and slept . So did I . About 11 I got up , made my tea and toast and came back to bed to read . Lazy day . Well at least it wasn 't crazy day . So , I give myself some slack . Just before noon . . . earthquake . This one was stronger than the one the day before . When I went to the USGS site and looked it up , I learned the epicenter was just seven miles from me . They say animals are sensitive about quakes . But , why was it only Ninja this time ? Last time it was Jeffery . The angel babies , Bambi and Spyder were asleep both times . Bambi has a tendency to stay by herself unless Spyder comes along and nudges her to play . Sometimes they get a bit rough . It surprises me . I heard her teeth clunk against his skull tonight . No blood was drawn . Theys jus havin ' fun . Honestly , all that stuff about animals knowing about a quake before it happens . I 've not seen it . I 've sat here with Keli on my bed , a 5 pointer , and she just looked at me all ho - hum . I didn 't know how the new crop of cats would do until tonight ( early this morning , ten minutes ago to be exact ) . I was already up and awake . Jeffery kept meowing to go out . I hate to let him out at night , but he was insistent . I let him out , and settled back down in bed with Ninja cuddled at my side . The bed jiggled , the dresser mirror rattled against the wall . A minute or so later Ninja jumped down from bed . It didn 't last . . . long , maybe 10 seconds . I went to the USGS site to check for the quake . It wasn 't on there yet , so I waited , refreshed my browser and there it was , Hollister 4 . 0 Richter scale So , I wonder . Was that sufficient evidence that my cats felt the earthquake coming , or needed to jump down from the bed because of it ? I don 't know . Jeffery asks to go out on other middle of the nights , too . Perhaps if I checked USGS each time he did that , then I could accept it if there were some kind of quake reported Isn 't she the most beautiful cat you have ever seen ? I am broken hearted that she is gone . She was born in my hands and died in my arms . Any posts made on this blog from this point on will be my own . Well , unless she speaks to me from beyond the grave ! Oh my Darling Clementine . You are gone and lost forever . . . . August 26 , 1989 - March 18 , 2009 She was considered dead before birth . She was the last kitten in the litter , still left in her mother 's womb . No sign of contractions . Mama cat ( Gypsy ) was taken to the emergency vet who pronounced " dead kitten " and gave her a shot of pitocin . The vet said if the kitten was not expelled in 3 hours she would have to return for an emergency C - section or Gypsy would die . Within 3 hours contractions produced my living , breathing Calico Kitten , Keli , who has been with me nearly 20 years . |
" Blair ! " Naomi 's friend Megan shouted when she saw him walk in the front door . " Come look ! Naomi won a sex slave in the Spring Festival ! " Blair often wondered how they had become friends , considering the differences between the two . Naomi being the constant traveler , going from boyfriend to boyfriend , not really having to work thanks to the fortune left her by her maternal grandfather . Megan , on the other hand , was a career Fleet officer . She was the head of Security on the station , and been on a star cruiser during the last war . Naomi had been raised in relative wealth on Old Earth whereas Megan had been born and raised on the harsh , unforgiving desert planet of New Australia . " You should see him , Sandy . I think he 's more your type than Naomi 's . " Megan laughed , lounging at one end of the half circle couch . " It was a silly contest . I signed the card before I even knew what I signing it for . " Naomi held her arms out to her son . They hugged , and kissed each other on the cheek . She held his face in her hands . " You don 't look so good , Blair - honey . Are you eating ? Did you meditate this morning ? Your aura is all dark . Have you had a good bowel movement today ? " " That makes me feel better . " He laughed , and moved into the kitchenette to get a glass of mineral water . " So where 's the sex slave ? Trapped in your bedroom ? " " No . " The bridge of her nose wrinkled . Uh - oh , Blair thought . " It 's in my office . I couldn 't abide it . Just standing there staring . It doesn 't even blink . In fact , I was going to call this afternoon to have it picked up . You know how I feel about robots . " The Intimate Companion android was standing against the far wall . He was dressed in a nondescript purple jumpsuit . The kind that they say " one size fits all " but doesn 't really . The jumpsuit on this guy was stretched tight across his shoulders and chest , and clearly outlined his butt and thighs . " Please state your name and function . " Blair 's gaze roamed over the android . Talk about life - like ! The skin looked sun tanned , the hair was cut military short . " I am called James , Series 5000 . My function is to serve my mistress ' every wish . I can cook in a variety of cuisines . I can clean , drive a number of vehicles including piloting a shuttlecraft . I am completely sexually functional . I know over 300 positions . I am certified in five different styles . " " Oh , Blair - honey . I don 't know . " She shook her head , frowning again . " You 'll find someone of your own , really . It just takes time . I know that David . . . " " I 'm not talking about David . " He flinched . " James could be of real help to me . He could cook meals for me , keep my apartment clean , do my laundry . . . He could take care of Larry for me while I 'm gone to classes . " " You know he 's right , Naomi . " Megan said from the doorway . She was leaning a shoulder against the doorframe . " You are always worrying about him . Think of James as the ultimate babysitter . . . who might occasionally massage his prostate . What better safe sex than with a companion ? You won 't have to worry about him going to the sex clubs and picking up some stranger . " " If not , I can get him some tapes to scan while I 'm at class tomorrow . " He glanced at the companion . Those blue eyes were still watching him . " So ? " " Yes , you can have it . " Naomi gave him a hug and a kiss . " Think of it as an early birthday present . There 's a manual for it around here somewhere . " Blair thumbed through the book to the part about transferring ownership . " Mom , you have to say this to transfer his imprint on to me . " He handed her the book . " This is silly . " She sighed , but she took the book . " James XF362692 , I hereby transfer your imprint to . . . " She pointed at Blair . " Blair Jacob Sandburg . Blair is your master now . Avon Lilly Apache . " " I can 't , that 's what I came to tell you . I have two mid - terms tomorrow , and I have to teach a class for my advisor . " Blair shoved the manual into his book bag . " I came up to the station to attend Dr . Haines ' lecture on xeno - sociology . " " I can 't this weekend , sweetie . I 'm going on that excursion with Anderson . " Naomi gave him a hug . " We 'll talk when I get back . I 'll only be gone two weeks . " " I 'm supposed to be going on a field trip with Dr . Stoddard in three weeks . How about I call you when I get back ? " He laughed , shouldering his bag . He noticed how James watched him , following across the room . " All right , I guess we 'll just have to be patient ! " Naomi laughed , walking her son to the door . She ignored the android . " You be careful ! And get something to eat . " " And I 'm the one that gets accused of going to sex clubs ? " He joked , giving her a wink . " Come on , James . Let 's get home so I can get some reading done . Bye , Megan ! " He realized that his first order of business was to get James some new clothes . As they headed over to the transport , people kept giving them looks . One guy , in a horrible plaid suit , approached Blair , asking how much for an hour with the ' sex toy ' . Blair told him to get lost , James wasn 't a prostitute model . Blair kept moving and so did James . The clerk at the ticket counter wrinkled her nose at James , but said nothing . Once they were planet - side , Blair went right to a resale shop he often frequented for himself . Luckily , it was still open . " Blair ! " Jilly , the owner , greeted him with a big smile . " I got a couple more pairs of those pants that you like . You know , the ones with all the pockets . I 've been saving them for you . " " Great ! Thanks , Jilly . " Blair groaned internally . He had made the mistake of telling her one time that he had liked the couple pairs that he had . Ever since , she 'd been saving them for him whenever she got them in . Consequently , he had like 20 pairs . There was no way a guy like him needed 20 pairs of pants . " Oooh , whose your friend ? " Jilly 's friend Henry cooed as he came around a rack of tank tops . Henry was a bit on the flamboyant side - Jilly called it ' flame - boy ' . Tonight he was dressed in a sparkling purple blouse with a hot pink boa ( the feather kind , not the robot - snake kind ) wrapped around his neck . His pants were gold lame and just a little tight . His toe nails were painted purple , and he was wearing gold sandals . " His name is James , and Jilly , I was wondering if you could help me pick out some clothes for him . Just some basic stuff like jeans and t - shirts . Maybe a pair of sneakers or boots ? Nothing too expensive . You know me . " Blair kept his eyes on Henry and remained standing in front of James . " Oh , he 's lovely . You shouldn 't waste that body on jeans . " Henry paused , nibbling delicately on a fingernail . " Black . Leather . " Jilly proved exceptionally handy at finding three pairs of jeans that would fit James . A couple pairs of white underwear , and a selection of five t - shirts . ( they were on sale ) His feet were too large for sneakers , so Blair had to splurge and go for a pair of work boots . She added a light corduroy jacket , and they were set . During it all , she whispered to Blair , " How can you afford him ? He had to been way expensive . Is he a series 4000 ? " They had quickly realized that Henry didn 't get it . Henry thought James was a flesh - and - blood human being . Albeit , a rather stoic one . Watching Henry trying to drag James out in conversation was pretty funny . " He 's an orangutan . He was part of my research project last year , and after I was done I couldn 't just give him up . I had to buy him from the university , and he wasn 't cheap , but no way could I stand the thought of him being dumped in some lab to be a test subject . " Blair shook his head . That had been quite an ordeal . " Well , Larry 's mainly from Los Angeles . His ancestors came from Borneo . " Blair nodded . " I 'm going to need you to stay with him during the day and take care of him . Keep him company . He likes to watch the vid ' screen - you know , cartoons and the Home Craft channel . I don 't like him to watch anything too violent , stirs him up . He 'll try to wheedle candy and cookies out of you , but don 't give him any . " James glanced up at the building . It was an old red brick building in an area of the city that had not been restyled . It was pock marked , some windows boarded over . Obviously back from the turn of the century or older . It had survived earthquakes , wars and pestilence . The area was rundown , trash on the streets . They passed an old , burned out hunk of a vehicle at the corner . " That is actually a sculpture . " Blair explained when he saw James consider it . " Rafe , who has the bottom floor of my building , is an artist . He does sculptures like these and others . " " SUV . Sport Utility Vehicle . Popular in the late 20th century and early 21st century . They were outlawed in 2012 because of the enormous amount of fuel they required . " James explained . He looked up at Blair . " I am sorry , sir . You did not request that information . " " That was during the Gas War , wasn 't it ? " Blair had heard a lot about the Gas War because his great - grandfather had fought in it . His grandfather had gone on about it like he had been there instead of his own father . Blair pulled out his keys , opened the front door , and then headed for the stairs . James was right on his heels . " So while I 'm gone tomorrow , just stay inside with Larry . Don 't answer the door . Anybody knocks , just ignore them . It 's usually transients or druggies . " Blair 's apartment was one huge room . Originally , the building had been built for a department store . Once that had failed , it had been turned into many different things with walls being torn down and replaced until finally , the walls were torn down and left . There were one or two support walls and support beams all over . The floor had been carpeted at one time , but Blair preferred the cement despite how cold it got during the winter . It was easier to clean up after Larry , and , well , himself . The most used area was near the northern wall where several windows still remained intact . He had a couple old desks set up for his computers , printer and scanner . Books were stacked everywhere . He only had one old metal bookcase and it was packed with magazines , older books and newspapers . There were two dilapidated couches , a table whose legs had been cut to make it short , and an old green lounge chair . Towards the back were a bed and a couple trunks . Not far from that was a big metal cage and one happy orangutan . He dumped his backpack on one of the couches and toed off his sneakers . James stood beside the couch , and watched . Blair hurried over to Larry 's cage and unlocked the door . Larry pushed the door open and lunged at Blair who caught him easily . They cooed at each other , grunted , and did hand gestures . Some of what James understood as he was versed in several forms of Sign Language . Larry was quite pleased with that , but was still not brave enough to get near James right away . Blair carried him over to the kitchen area . This consisted of a refrigerator , freezer , a modest food dispenser , a long counter with a double sink , a dish washing unit , a food heating unit and the customary table with three mis - matched chairs . " James , why don 't you walk over this way a bit ? Let Larry get used to you . " Blair suggested as he pulled out fresh vegetables from the refrigerator . " Yes , Blair . " James put the bag down and walked a little closer . When Larry grew agitated , signing ' bad scary , bad scary ' he stopped . In the end , all it took to win Larry over was a bowl of strawberries . James cleaned them in the sink , putting the fresh berries in a bowl that Blair had set out . Upon setting them on the table , Larry jumped into James arms signing ' eat eat ' . So James sat down with Larry in his lap and assisted the orangutan in eating . Occasionally , Larry would even press a berry to James ' lips and he would dutifully eat it . A little later , James sat in the green lounge chair - Larry 's chair , Blair told him - and held Larry while they watched his favorite vids . Blair spent the time reading and studying for his exams . James watched Blair more than the vids . Whenever Blair glanced up to check on them , however , James would appear to be watching the animated amusement . " Would like a shower , James ? " Blair asked him quietly after Larry was put to bed in his cage . Blair had stripped down to his boxers and a t - shirt . " Well , I don 't feel like one right now . Maybe in the morning . Shall we go to bed then ? " He blushed a little , thinking about what was coming . His cock was twitching in anticipation . He hadn 't had sex with a partner since David had dumped him . " Yes , please . " Blair nodded , swallowing nervously . He had caught a glimpse of the magnificent man - made body at the resale shop . Now he would get his own private showing . He yawned and clamped a hand over his mouth . Gods , he was tired ! But he to have some fun , too . Even before David left , they hadn 't had a good sex session in a while . David would get jealous of Blair 's studies , accuse him of selling his ass to his professors , and would withhold relations for weeks at a time . " Are you pleased , Blair ? " James asked , holding his hands away from his body . He turned in a full circle . " If my genitals are not to your liking , they can be exchanged for an additional fee . Longer , thicker penis or shorter and thinner . Circumcised or natural . Pierced . If you like more pubic hair , I can adjust that myself . Or if you prefer me shaved , I can also take care of that . " " You must instruct me in what type of sex you prefer . Do you wish to top ? My anal configuration is naturally lubricated and I need no preparatory stretching . " " Uhm . " Blair couldn 't think of what to say . James was well formed . Perfectly shaped , circumcised cock . A round , taut , perfect shaped ass . Muscles . He yawned again . " Yeah , sure . I 'm sorry ; I 'm just kind of . . . " Dumbfounded ? Who needed the pain of a real boyfriend , who always turned out to be a jerk in the end , when you could have James ? He would have to send his mom a thank you card in the morning . " I see that you are tired . You have exams tomorrow . Perhaps something light and easy tonight ? I am extremely talented at oral sex . I can bring you to orgasm this way which will facilitate you having a sound night 's rest . At a later time , we can more fully explore my sexual abilities to your satisfaction . " " Do you wish to remain clothed ? " James asked , stepping closer . " Do you wish to stand while I kneel and perform the oral sex ? Or would you prefer to lie on the bed ? " James pulled the comforter and top sheet down . When Blair didn 't move , just stared at James , the Intimate Companion stepped closer to him . Slowly , slowly , he leaned down and lightly brushed his lips across Blair 's . James took that as a yes and pulled the t - shirt up and over Blair 's head , and down his arms . He let the t - shirt fall to the floor . Then he knelt down in front of Blair and ever so gently , ever so slowly , pulled the checkered boxers down over Blair 's hips , down his hairy thighs , down to his feet . James held Blair up while he encouraged the young man to step out of the boxers . James raised his blue eyes to the bobbing cock in front of his face . Blair 's cock was average sized , thick , and he was not circumcised . Just above the line of pubic hair , but well below his navel , was a small tattoo of a heart . Around the heart in a delicate cursive lettering was the Latin phrase , " amor vincit omnia " . " I - . " Blair tried to talk , but his voice caught . It was hard to concentrate when James ' lips were inches from his cock and he was licking his lips as if he were contemplating an extremely sweet dessert . " I got the tattoo when I was sixteen . " " I like to believe that it does . I did then . Now , I 'm a little older , little wiser . " James ' right hand skimmed up Blair 's left thigh . James understood the cue . His hands came up and gripped Blair 's hips as his mouth opened and he swallowed Blair 's cock to the root . Blair gasped , hands flailing around for something to hold on to . James slowly pulled back , teeth lightly skimming the sensitive skin . Blair was shivering and moaning . Before he understood what was happening , James picked him up and laid him out on the bed . He eased Blair 's thighs apart , and rested on the bed in between them . He kissed and licked along the inside of Blair 's thighs . He leaned up and kissed , sucked and nibbled both nipples . He tugged the hoop that dangled from Blair 's left nipple with his tongue . A long swipe up Blair 's leaking cock . He mouthed the head , sucking , tonguing the slit . Blair 's hands were now gripping the bed sheet . James licked the heavy balls , and even nipped lightly at the perineum . Blair squeaked at that , hips thrusting upwards . James sucked his index finger wetly . He eased his hand between Blair 's ass cheeks . Then , just as he took Blair 's cock back into his mouth , his right index finger pressed into Blair 's hole . Blair shouted , hips jerking upward , head thrown back and neck arched , as he came . James swallowed every ounce of come . He worked Blair 's cock all through the shudders , his finger continuing to press against Blair 's prostate . Blair came pretty close to passing out . He did feel James pull his finger free , and gently release his cock . He was carefully arranged in the bed with his head on a pillow and the comforter tucked up around him . " As you wish , Blair . " James spoke softly , and crawled under the covers . Blair snuggled right up against him , his face pressed into James ' chest . The intimate companion did not need sleep , but he could use the down time to check his processes and go over his performance for errors . So James lay beside Blair , holding him gently , while the young man slept . Blair woke up feeling better than he had in weeks . . . months even . He didn 't want to over - do it and say years . Because that would just be pathetic , man . Larry happily ate the breakfast that James fixed for him . Blair ate his breakfast too , and an hour later , he had a really good bowel movement . His mother would be so happy . He went off to his classes with the vision of James and Larry settling on the couch side by side . It wasn 't that he had an incredibly easy day because he didn 't . He did as well as he could on his exams and wouldn 't know the scores until the next day , but he worried . It was one of his greatest talents , worrying . He taught his advisor 's class with only a few bumpy spots . He skipped lunch in favor of spending some time in the Research Library . The only bad moment was when he literally ran into his ex - boyfriend , Lee Brackett . He hadn 't seen Lee in nearly three years . The first part of their relationship had been hot and intense . That lasted about two months . The subsequent year and a half had been brutal , terrifying and nightmarish . " Blair , baby ! I haven 't seen you in ages and this is the treatment I get ? " Lee laughed , his hands sliding low on Blair 's ass . Standing in the doorway of his loft apartment , he frowned . No , this doesn 't look right . He stepped back out , checked the number on the door , looked at his keychain . Then he stepped back inside . The place had been transformed . The floor had been swept . The pile of lumber he had gotten in trade a year ago had been piled up off to the left . He kept saying he needed to work on the gym for Larry , but never had the time it seemed . Well , now he didn 't have to worry about it . An amazing gym had been built while he was gone . Larry took Blair 's hand and led him over to the living room area . Blair dumped his backpack as Larry bounced on the couch . He turned to face James . " You look tense . You did not have a good day ? Would you like a massage ? " James cocked his head , staring intently at Blair . He was silent for a moment and then glanced down at Blair 's legs . " Someone attacked you and you had to defend yourself . " " My senses are super - sensitive . I can smell the odor of an unknown male groin on your right knee . You , therefore , were forced to defend yourself . Blair , I request to attend you tomorrow at the university . I cannot allow any harm to come to you . " " No , James , I 'll be fine . But you know , that massage does sound kind of good . What if I take a shower first ? I feel pretty gritty . " No guy had ever been this protective of him before . " Is that pork roast ? It smells really good . " " Yes , Blair . I took the liberty of ordering it through the food dispenser . There are also red potatoes cooking with it . " James took Blair 's hand and led him to the bathroom where he proceeded to strip the young man . " Do you wish to urinate ? I also have asparagus with a garlic cream sauce and a salad with a light vinaigrette dressing . " James started the shower water while Blair peed . Blair thought he was going to shower by himself but discovered otherwise . James stepped in with him and then washed Blair thoroughly , from head to toe . By the time James got to his feet , Blair had already come twice . He was boneless as James carried him to bed . James toweled him dry and then massaged lotion into every inch of skin . By the time he was done with Blair , the young man was snoring . He hadn 't managed to come again . . . he wasn 't that young . But his cock was definitely looking forward to more one - on - one attention ! " Feed me ? " Blair rolled over . James was still naked , and beside the bed was a small table holding tonight 's dinner . . . in a precise portions for Blair . " Wh - what about Larry ? " James fed Blair every bite . Not all bites came on the end of a fork or a spoon . Some bites were passed to him by mouth . It was quite sexy . Wine passed from mouth to mouth seemed so much more sweeter . " Now for dessert . " James set the plate on the table , and moved the little table back to the kitchen . He removed a bowl of fresh strawberries and a bowl of whipped cream back to the bed , setting them on the makeshift nightstand . " May I ask some sexually related questions , Blair ? " " Uhm , I 've done both . Depends on the lover , really . " He watched James dip a berry in the whipped cream , and then hold it for Blair to take a bite . After that , Blair existed in an erotic haze . He was fed strawberries ; he was teased , sucked , nibbled , rimmed , licked , bit ( gently ) . When James entered him , it was with a tenderness Blair had never experienced before with a lover . David had never wanted to take that much time lubing Blair up . He had taken to prepping himself in the bathroom . He refused to remember anything about Lee . " We must wait for your body to adjust . " James licked down Blair 's neck and around an ear . He had never considered his ears an erogenous zone until now . He woke up in a warm shower , held gently within the circle of James ' arms . He was washed again , thoroughly , dried and carried back to bed . He fell asleep to those magnificent hands once more massaging lotion into his body . The next night when he came home from classes it was to the sound of children laughing . Joel and his wife Sarah lived on the upper floor with their three children . Joel worked at the transport center while Sarah worked at the local clinic as a nursing assistant . Joel had once been a city cop , but had been injured on the job and had been forced to ' retire early ' . James had the three children sitting at the kitchen table helping him make cookies . Sugar cookies . Larry was sitting in the safety of his cage watching - and playing with a small chunk of cookie dough . " Hello , Blair . " James said , straightening up . He was wearing the flowered apron someone had given Blair as a gag gift . Luckily , James wasn 't naked otherwise . He was wearing his jeans and a black t - shirt . Blair got drawn in , telling stories about how he used to make cookies as a kid with his grandparent 's cook . He had to work around a few questions like , " not with your mommy and daddy ? " He noticed the slight crease in James ' brow , but shrugged it all off . Just as the last batch was ready to come out of the oven , the door bell rang . " Sarah was laid off from the clinic . It is apparently being closed in favor of sending patients to the hospital . " James replied , cleaning up the kitchen table . " Dinner should be ready in approximately eight minutes and seventeen seconds . " " Do you have something started ? Cause I thought maybe we could go out to eat tonight . " Blair suggested while he checked on Larry . " My allowance hit my account today so I have a bit of extra cash . " " What ? No way ! I 'd even suggest a movie , but the local theater was shut down last month . " He grabbed James ' arm and pulled him close . " I 'm not ashamed of people seeing me with you . I don 't care if they realize you 're an android or not . You 're the best thing that 's come into my life in a long time . " Unfortunately , that 's exactly what he got when they walked into the restaurant . The hostess flinched when she saw James , and disappeared into the back . She didn 't return . A man in a dress shirt , tie and slacks came out . For about a block Blair stocked ahead , furious , ranting , hands waving in the air . James followed quietly behind him , saying nothing . When Blair started to walk out into traffic , James neatly pulled him back . " A rather rough , but accurate description . I can make my penis vibrate while inserted in your anus . You can also remove my penis and use it separately if you do not wish to have the rest of me present . " Blair 's mouth worked , but no sound came out . The anger and fury drained right out of him . He thought , and he knew it was probably just his own interpretation , he thought he saw a bit of sparkle in James ' eyes . He 's being funny to lighten my mood Blair sighed . " Yeah . " Blair sighed one more time . " Why don 't we go back home , and you cook up that marinated meat ? I can make a salad . " " There is a club a block north of here that serves food and also has a dance floor . They allow intimate companions . If you would like an evening out , perhaps dancing would also be a good exercise for you . " " A block north of here ? You 've got that internal directory , don 't you ? " Blair grinned . " I haven 't gone dancing in ages . Will you dance with me ? " " Anything you wish , Blair . " James inclined his head . " They also have rooms for sexual relations . You could have sex with someone else if you like . " " Nah . " Blair patted James ' chest . " I like my walking vibrator . You 'll do just fine . " He tugged James ' hand . " Well , lead on . I didn 't know there were any clubs near here . " They could hear the music down the street from the old warehouse . The street outside the club was well lit , security - they were obviously more than just ' bouncers ' - stood along the sidewalk keeping an eye on things . People were talking , smoking cigs , and some even swayed to the music . " James . " Blair tugged on his shirt sleeve . " If your hearing is super - sensitive , you might want to dial it down before we go in . " As they walked towards the entrance , Blair noticed two tall , identical looking blondes . They were delicate in their facial features , but their bodies were leanly muscular . He realized after a half second that they were androids . They both turned and stared hard at James . " No , man . It 's okay . I just , you know . Forgot . You probably have a wireless Internet connection . " Blair shrugged , but he was a little unnerved . Those females weren 't very friendly looking . Inside it was packed with bodies . Male , female , human and android . There were even a few of the older model robots with their silvery pale skin and bad toupees . The music was so loud ; it throbbed inside your bones . Blair stood for a moment , soaking it all in . They danced , and they weren 't the only same sex couple on the dance floor . Some danced in pairs , some danced in threesomes or more . Some wore clothing , some were partially clothed , and there were quite a few that were naked . A beautiful Asian android model was naked and her delicate body decorated with swirls of multi - colored glitter . She danced with a naked female African android model whose sleek body was decorated with tribal tattoos . The spookiest part of the whole evening was coming face to face with another James 5000 . Blair knew instantly that it wasn 't his James . There was something just off . A hand came to rest upon his shoulder . He knew that was his James . No words were spoken , but Blair had that tingling feeling that the two were talking anyway . Blair ate - but not the fish tacos , thank you very much . James made sure he drank plenty of water . They danced until Blair complained his feet were blistered . He just barely managed to stop James from carrying him off the dance floor . When they headed home , it was after two in the morning . They walked , declining a shared ride in a cab . Blair reached for James ' hand , happy . " When I was a kid and stayed at my grandparent 's estate . . . they lived out in the country . Grandpa would have me go for walks with him at night and we would sit out on the lawn and look at the stars . " Blair started talking after a whole five minutes of silence . " You can 't see them very well here in the city . But I remember how they looked when I was a kid . I 've always wanted to go into space . . . I 'll probably end up colonizing on some planet . " " I 'm sure you are . " Blair smiled . " I never met my father . My mom tells me that she bought the sperm on sale at Walmart . But my grandfather told me before he died that my father was a fighter pilot that was killed during the Gercy Uprising on Scott - Rush Space Station . " " No , I don 't think so . Mom probably didn 't think it was any of his business . " Blair shrugged . He and his mother had argued about it off and on for years in his teens . But eventually , he just let it go . She wasn 't going to change her story and there was no reason for him to rail against an unmovable object . It only gave him migraines . " Do you think you could make up some snacks for us ? I don 't want anything too fancy , these people will eat anything . I was just thinking of cheese and crackers and fruit . Then maybe like sandwiches for dinner . I could stop at the store on my way home and pick some stuff up . Just tell me what you might need , like juice and bottled water . " When he was fully inside James , he discovered just how talented his intimate companion was . James ' anal channel vibrated and massaged his cock , tightening pulsing wave after wave . He hardly even needed to do any work , and certainly didn 't have a chance to pump his hips . He came so hard that he passed out on James ' chest , still firmly held within his lover . James held him for a long time , rubbing soothing circles on Blair 's back while the young man slept . He carefully removed Blair from his body , picked the young man up and took him to the shower . He washed Blair , dried him off , and put him back to bed . Then he went to stand by one of the windows , staring up at the stars . His eyes were lit with an internal light as he communicated with his kind across the city and down the coast . The study session was almost more party than studying . Blair 's friends weren 't too accepting of James . Carly and Penny kept giving James suspicious looks , and would never directly take anything from him . In the past , these sessions would often last well into the wee hours of the morning . This one lasted until eleven . " They are good people , Blair . They are simply young and inexperienced . " Blair turned around to yell at James for standing up for them but words were lost . He was turned against the door , hands planted on the wood , and then gel slicked finger probed his asshole . Once he was moderately prepared , James fucked him up against the door . One hand on his hip to steady him and the other one wrapped around his dick . He came hard , banging his forehead against the door . After an appropriate interval , James fucked him on the couches . Face to face on one with Blair 's ankles looped around James ' neck . On the other couch , James fucked him sitting up , hands on Blair 's hips to help him maneuver the up - and - down piston like movement . By the time they got to the bed , Blair had no energy left whatsoever . He curled up on James chest and slipped into an exhausted but thoroughly satisfied sleep . He didn 't wake up until almost noon , the first time he had done that in years . James assured him that he had called in for Blair and everyone understood that he had a migraine . " I 'm sure this is a stupid question , but James . . . " He watched the android walk around checking the door lock and the windows . " Do you have an orgasm when we have sex ? " " Yeah , I 'm sure . But I mean , for you , with your brain power and all your abilities . . . Sex has to be pretty boring . Kind of a waste of your talents , I mean . " Blair shrugged . " You could be so much more than just a sex slave . " " No . " Blair swallowed over the lump in his throat . " This is too good to last very long . Something bad is going to happen , I just know it . " " You were amazing . " Blair took his hand and pressed a kiss into the palm . " How about this . . . What can I do for you tonight ? Is there something you would like particularly ? " " They are recalling all the 5000 's . Turns out they made the bloody beggars a little too good . Over fifteen of the ' intimate companions ' have turned up missing . " Megan got the air car up into the drive stream , and powered off towards Blair 's section of the city . " They 've been escaping . Turns out they have been coordinating with others of the 5000 series - not all of them are sexbots - and arranging freighters to take them off planet . Some of the human owners are missing too , but it 's not because they were offed . They went willing . " She glanced at the now silent Blair . " It 's been all over the news channels this morning . " " Yeah , well , I don 't listen to the news a lot and I 've been busy getting royally screwed by the admin staff . " Blair grumbled , eyes closed . James " I take it he hasn 't confided in you . " Megan whipped around vehicles like she on some raceway . Blair opened his eyes for a second , and quickly closed them . He had forgotten how crazy a driver she really was . " No , not really . " He frowned , thinking back over the few days . Maybe James had been trying to tell him ? Maybe he had just missed the cues ? Joel had caught Larry and had taken him to their apartment where he was currently hiding in their bath tub . Megan led the way up to Blair 's loft apartment . The door was hanging off it 's hinges , the kitchen table was knocked over . Both his computers had been tossed onto the floor . " When is James coming home , Blair ? " One of the kids asked . Blair didn 't reply . He just stood in the middle of the mess , silent and pale . " I 'll be fine . Joel , can you keep Larry for a little bit ? I need to calm down before I come get him . " Blair asked his neighbor and friend . " Megan . I 'm not a child . I can handle this . I 've had my heart ripped out before . " He smiled at her bitterly . " Maybe Naomi has it right after all . No attachments . Enjoy the sex , and move on . " Sometime long after dark , he woke up on the floor to the sound of someone calling his name . It was muffled , and he couldn 't quite place it . He sat up , rubbing his face . He had cried for hours , and felt aching alone . How could he become so attached to someone so quickly and so deeply ? He opened it again . It was his teddy bear . The one thing his mom had saved from his childhood . The robotic teaching bear that one of his uncle 's had bought when it first came out . Probably a very early predecessor to James . Blair shut the door and walked out of the apartment . Halfway down the stairs he remembered Larry , and walked back up to Sarah and Joel 's . Joel answered the door . He helped Blair get Larry out of the bath tub . Blair carried the traumatized orangutan back to their place . Well , for now . As far as Blair was concerned , they were moving in the morning . When the Seattle police showed up in the morning to take Blair in for questioning , they found the apartment empty . They questioned the neighbors , but no one knew anything . The children played happily with an old teddy bear , and otherwise , paid no attention to the cops . An animal control van had arrived to take custody of the ' wild animal ' a little while later only to find Larry gone too . No one knew anything about an orangutan . The Sandburg guy had been weird , but no one had ever seen a pet monkey . " Are you sure he 's going to be okay ? He 's been through a lot lately . " Blair asked the shuttle attendant for the fourth time . " Sir , he 's going to be fine . I promise . We keep the animal hold at a comfortable temperature . We have a vet on staff that monitors each of the animal 's vital readings . Larry is going to have more fun than you , I 'm certain . " " Thank you . " He hadn 't gotten used to his new name yet . If James was ever able to join him . . . and he wasn 't sure James would . . . he was going to make a certain android pay . " Good , thanks . " Blair nodded moving off towards his seat . He hadn 't ever taken an intergalactic cruise before , but his mother had done so many times . She always raved about the service and the food . He settled in his seat , wiggling his butt around until he was comfortable . An attendant offered him a pillow or a blanket , but he declined . He had a couple e - books to read , and still had to compose a note for his mother . A few minutes later , he was deep into " Colonization for Dummies " when someone sat down next to him . He introduced himself as Simon Banks , " I 'm heading out to New Washington . Got a job interview for chief of police in the Cascade Colony . Ever hear of it ? " The two hour shuttle trip to the cruise ship was relatively uneventful , but very interesting with his seat - mate . Blair had a great time talking with Simon , the man talking almost as much as Blair did . They didn 't agree on every topic , but they agreed on one thing - fishing . They both loved to fish . Once he had his gear tossed in his suite on the cruise liner , Blair went in search of Larry . He couldn 't bring Larry to his room , but he could visit as much as he wanted . The orangutan was quite happy to see Blair . They hugged , and Larry signed , " James play . James Larry banana eat . " Blair checked in on Simon before heading back to his suite . Simon had complained about everything from the air not being cold enough to the bed being too soft . But otherwise , the man seemed happy enough . They planned to meet later for dinner and take a tour of the ship . When Blair walked back into his room , his suitcase and carryall were not in sight . Okay , so maybe the maid service had come in and taken his luggage into the bedroom . He kicked off his shoes and headed for the bedroom . A shower sounded nice and then maybe a nap . |
I am in my 30 's , married and have recently , finally , become a mama . I am a smug mama , because I have two wonderful , healthy , happy , and secure children and I feel that this comes from stellar parenting : ) . Join me as I post about my life and the joys of being the mama ! Wednesday I flew around the house getting everything packed , food prepared and the car loaded . Smug - Baby and I headed out and got gas on the way to pick up Smug - Hub from work . He was supposed to get off work at 6 , but he got a last minute phone call that ended up keeping him until close to 6 : 30 and Smug - Baby was way unhappy about it . We made a quick stop for a sandwich and got on the road . We started out the drive with Smug - Hub in the back seat playing with the baby and me driving , but after about an hour it was clear that Smug - Baby was tired and hungry , so we switched and I nursed her to sleep leaning over her car seat and then she slept the rest of the drive , Smug - Hub drove and I dictated the directions according to my iPhone ( my new iPhone that I had purchased that afternoon after my old phone fell out of my pocket during an unfortunate toilet flushing incident ) . We arrived about 9 : 30pm and the whole house was buzzing with family energy , running children and the smell of pizza and Thanksgiving day food prep . Aunts , Uncles , Cousins all chatting , eating , laughing and watching movies . Since Smug - Baby had just had a 2 hour nap she was totally ready to rock and roll and quickly became the hit of the party with her shy , flirty smile to everyone who tried to hold her . We finally got her to settle down about midnight and off to bed we went . The problem was that most everyone else was still up and since we were in a new place , with new sounds and a new bed , every sound , squeak , or movement woke my sweet baby . It was a rough night for mommy : ( She was up for good about 7am and I was able to take a short shower before others started getting up . The day was spent talking to my family , catching up on every ones lives and helping get the food on the table . We ate ourselves silly and only had one incident where Smug - Hub forgot that we were keeping Smug - Baby away from dairy and gave her a tiny bite of mashed potatoes . When I reminded him , it ended up making me look like the bad guy since my family isn 't reading the same research that I am when it comes to introducing solids . Smug - Hub and I talked about it later and while he understands that he didn 't handle it well , I know that I could have handled it better myself . I just don 't compromise when it comes to her health and well - being . I would rather my family think that I might be nuts or militant about something than risk my baby girl on anything ! I think that sometimes people just follow the advice of parents or grandparents without doing their own research or do their own research 30 years ago and did the best with that information . I am just doing the same thing , following the most resent research and trying to do what is best for my child . I had a short conversation about circumcision with my cousin 's wife when she questioned why we may not have any more children . She told me that her husband ( my cousin ) had problems and had to be circumcised at 25 and because of that she was totally for circumcision . I totally understand that and to each his own , however , it has only been in the last 10 years or so that doctors have realized that their old recommendations that an uncircumcised penis must be pulled back and cleaned to prevent infection was actually causing infections . If you leave the penis alone , like God intended , 99 . 9 % of boys will be totally fine ! ! I am constantly amazed that people have absolutely no faith in God and totally assume that He screwed up ! ! How arrogant is that ? ? ? Anyway ! Back to the holiday ! The food was amazing and then we did a small baby shower for one of my cousins who is expecting her baby boy at the end of December . Smug - Hub and I decided that we should stay the night and just leave super early Friday morning to get him to work . Smug - Baby fell asleep about 9 : 30 , for which I was totally grateful because I had slept so poorly the night before . But alas , she was up and down again all night due to the unfamiliar noises and the alarm at 5am was almost welcome because it meant that I could stop trying to get any rest . We quietly showered , packed and loaded the car ( which Smug - Baby totally slept through by the way - go figure ) and got on the road by 6am . Smug - Baby again slept most of the way and we made good time , getting Smug - Hub to work about 30 minutes early ! Smug - Baby and I went home and we crawled into bed and slept until noon ! I felt a lot better , but I totally could have slept a few more hours and if the UPS guy hadn 't rung the bell , I might still be sleeping : ) After our nap , we decided to do some Christmas shopping , so we picked up Smug - Grandma and headed to Toys - R - Us to get gifts for all the kids that I wanted to buy for and had a nice time . I was expecting huge lines and crowds , but it was fairly slow and we got in and out . After dropping Smug - Grandma home I went to see my Grandpa and we talked and caught up for about an hour or so . It had been a long day and I hoped that she would sleep , and she went down just like normal , but was awake and ready to play at 4am ! ! So I played and rocked and nursed her until she went back to sleep about 6 , but by then I was totally awake and I just stayed up hoping to nap with her later . That afternoon , Smug - Hub started feeling sick to his stomach and barely touched his dinner . He ended up with a high fever and chills , running to the bathroom to throw up and telling me about all the pills all over the house that Smug - Baby was playing with and how it was so cold in the house he could see his breath ! By this time , I too was feeling sick to my stomach and after getting him and the baby to bed , I threw up and got the shakes and spent the night in that half - sleep restlessness of illness . By Sunday morning , I was fine aside from being truly exhausted beyond anything I 've ever felt . Smug - Hub was better but very weak and still pretty sick . I tried to take care of everything / everyone throughout the day and did lay down when Smug - Baby napped for 2 hours , but was never able to fall asleep . I think that I was too tired to sleep - you know that feeling ? ? Sunday night , Smug - Baby was not able to keep her eyes open another moment past 7 : 45 and frankly I was happy to go to bed that early , because I was desperate for some quality sleep . However , she was up and ready to play at 11 : 30 . Smug - Hub said that he was feeling OK and he would play with her and give me a chance to sleep , but was back to get me at midnight . He had over - estimated his strength , so I took over and she finally fell back asleep about 2 . I got up at 4 to get ready for work . So I have it in my hot little hands ! I purchased the Canon T1i Rebel I got a bundle so it came with two lenses , a camera bag , a filter and an extra battery . I had a $ 10 coupon and they price matched the camera bag so it was even less . I also charged it on their store credit card so there is no interest for 24 months ! ! I was very pleased with my purchase ! Mama and her baby girl ( taken by Grandpa ) The sweetest face ever Having fun with Grandpa My favorate of all her smiles Loving on daddy Big hand , Little hand Checking out her uncle 's teeth My Smug - Sister - Lovely ! Caught the smile ! Never would have happened with the old camera Looking at daddy with love in her eyes ! Catching action is my favorite part of this new camera Tell us how you really feel ! ! Playing with Grandma Learning to walk Quality Control ! Helping her cousin fall asleep Hanging with Smug - Grandma Thanksgiving is really my favorite holiday of the whole year . I love the traditions that my family has established and I love all the food . Last year , Smug - Hub and I got home from our family 's big dinner and went to the store and purchased everything needed to make a whole other Thanksgiving dinner and made it and ate Thanksgiving leftovers all week long ! I like that I get to see all my aunts , uncles and cousins . I love seeing all the new babies , new husbands , boyfriends , girlfriends and animals that have come into the family since we all last got together . My dad 's side of the family is very large and we all try to get together for Thanksgiving and Easter . Easter tends to be a lot smaller , but everyone makes the effort to come together for Thanksgiving ! In the last year we have had a wedding , three births and one pregnancy ( any time now and the new little man will be with us ) . We have welcomed home our solders and said goodbye to one of us . Our family is strong in love and we are closer than a lot of other extended families ( from what I understand ) . We stand by each other and welcome all with open arms . I am looking forward to once again being embraced by the fold of all that love . I know that there are members of my family that my not think that everything that I am doing with Mary is the correct thing or the right way , but they are totally and completely supportive anyway and what more can you ask for really ? ? I am looking forward to making memories of Smug - Baby 's first Thanksgiving ( and wishing that I had my new camera and knew how to use it ) . I am looking forward to seeing how much my cousin 's children have grown and catch up on everyone 's life . Did I mention all the food ? ? The dictionary defines obsession as : the domination of one 's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea , image , desire , etc . I am officially obsessed with this whole camera thing . To the point my darling husband asked me very nicely to " shut the hell up about the damn camera already " I think about it all the time . I dream about camera 's ( and vampires , but that could be because I have been watching the first season of Vampire Diaries on DVD ) . I spend a lot of time online looking at the reviews and prices and deals and reviews and prices and deals over and over . I want to make sure that I have chosen the best camera for me and am not going to spend too much . Most of all , I just want the damn thing already ! ! ! I want to know how to use it too , it is going to be hard to get the camera and not have it make wonderful pictures right out of the box . I know it is going to take some time to learn how to change the settings around to make what I see in my minds eye come out in print . I see it , you know , all the time I see things happening in my life and I see what an amazing shot that would be , if only I had the camera and if only I knew how to set the camera to capture what I want to capture . I am going to get the camera this weekend . If I get a really great Black Friday sale wonderful and if I end up getting it at the current sale price and the price goes down closer to or right after Christmas - Best Buy says that they will honor the lower price and refund me the difference . Best Buy is also offering no interest on their card ( which I have ) for 24 months , so as long as I pay it off within 2 years ( and let 's face it , that is totally doable ) , then I really am getting the best deal possible . I figure if I get it on Black Friday or over that weekend , then that will give me almost a month to learn as much as I can about the camera and how to use it before Christmas and I really want to capture some really wonderful memories of Smug - Baby 's first Christmas . That sounds fair right ? Now , if I could just stop obsessing and give my poor family a break from the constant discussion ! ! ! My baby girl is 9 months old . This means that she has been on this side of the world as long as she was growing within me . Somehow this is truly huge for me . I can 't believe how fast the time has gone . I remember feeling like the time I was pregnant flew by , but also feeling like I was pregnant for a really long time . I also feel like Smug - Baby was always here . I have times when I think about something Smug - Hub and I did or a place we went , and think " where was Smug - Baby ? " and then I have to catch myself that she was wasn 't here yet . I am amazed by how much she has changed , how smart she is , and how much she is learning everyday . So , what 's new this month ? She is full on crawling now . She still prefers to walk , but if she gets to the end of the furniture , she will drop down and crawl where she wants to go . She is not doing the commando crawl anymore at all . She is also going from standing to sitting , sitting to crawling , crawling to sitting , and sitting to standing . She 's got the full cycle down ! She has been letting go of the furniture without realizing she is doing it . She will balance for a few seconds and either grab onto something or drop down . Or , she will realize that she is not holding onto anything and get scared and make a scared noise and grab for me . She will mimic you now sometimes . If you make a noise , she will try to make the same noise . She is however too smart and if I say " mama " she just smiles at me . When she sees a dog , she will say " da " and wiggle her feet and then she will make a " woa " sound like mimicking the doggy 's bark . " da da " seems to be her go to word for everyone she is happy to see . She says " da da " when her daddy gets home from work , when Smug - Grandma comes over , when Smug - Sister comes down the stairs , or when she sees her Grandpa . She knows what Binky 's are . When I ask her if she would like some Binky 's she will giggle and pull at my shirt . When I start getting myself ready for nursing she makes this happy , excited , hurry up noise that I just love . Her word for me is " ba ba " . I think that this might be a cross between " mama " and " Binky " but she seems to only use it when she is upset , scared , or hungry . She has started pinching me when she is nursing and it is downright painful ! She grabs little pieces of skin on the Binky , my arm or neck and rolls it tightly between her little fingers . I can suffer through it unless her nails are long and then OMG ! ! ! Speaking of nails , cutting them is horrible . She hates it and cries as though her heart is breaking with real tears and runny nose and it kills me . Smug - Hub can 't listen , he has to leave the house , escaping to the garage until it 's over . It really is horrible and if she weren 't pinching me or grabbing her cousin 's face a lot , I would probably just let them grow . I cry through the whole thing . I have tried to do it while she sleeps , but the snap of the clipper as it cuts through the nail wakes her every time . She hates covers . She kicks them off every night and when I put them back over her , she proceeds to kick them off again . Since she sleeps in the middle , this results in Smug - Hub and I often without covers as well . She also likes sleep with her face pressed right up against one of us . I guess she likes the warmth and the smell of her parents . It is really sweet actually . On the food front , she is still only nursing except for the occasional taste of something . I am trying to keep everything harmful away from her for as long as possible . No wheat , dairy , eggs , nuts , sugar - you know , all the crap that we eat everyday without thinking : ) She has had some broth from vegetable soup and she likes that and I even picked up a few jars of organic baby food and she has had a few bites of carrots . She seems to be getting used to the texture , but she is not overly excited about food yet , so Binky 's are still number 1 ! ! I love her more everyday and I noticed today how much like a child she is becoming . She doesn 't seem to have that little baby quality anymore . Her little personality is starting to come through . As excited as I am for the coming stages of her growth , I am sad to see her changing so fast . It would be fine with me if she could stay a baby for a little while longer . Yesterday I didn 't go to Smug - Sister 's house . Her husband was off work so he was able to care for the baby and had a day " off " . I went and got the oil changed in my car and then headed home . I stayed home all day . I didn 't clean the kitchen , do laundry or even straighten up the clutter . I played with my daughter . My house is cluttered , the dishes are stacking up , the laundry is everywhere , I 'm running out of clean diapers , and and the trash is starting to overflow . But . . . my daughter is loved and happy and her little cup is overflowing too . She needed this time with her mama and her mama needed this time with her . Everything else can wait ! I watched my baby girl have her first encounter with stairs yesterday . She didn 't actually climb them , but was starting to explore them and toy with the idea of how to get where she wanted to go . She was actually very enamored with her uncle yesterday and he was painting in the stairway , so she was inspired to think about ways to get closer to him . As she moved about Smug - Sister 's house yesterday I took several pictures with my iPhone and used different applications to make them look fun . It made me realize that more than ever I need to get a really good camera , because I love shooting her , capturing her little faces and movements and I am missing so much with crap cameras that can 't keep up with her ever moving , ever changing little self . On that front , I talked to my friends who are photographers and they use Canon 's in their work and mentioned that Nikon 's sometimes have issues of not working or not lasting but not enough that they would recommend not purchasing a Nikon . They also warned about purchasing too much camera for what I need . A shutter speed of 3 . 7 vs 3 isn 't going to make that much difference for the kind of shooting I will be doing . Also , I talked to some people at the local Photo USA and they said that unless I plan on printing poster size images ( and I doubt that I will , even though my baby girl is lovely enough for many posters ) , then the megapixels don 't need to be huge either and can end up having a diminishing return since the more megapixels , the larger the image and the harder it is to e - mail , upload , etc . So , I am back to looking at all the options . I want to make sure that if I am going to spend this kind of money , that I am making the best choice possible . I want something that will grow with me as my knowledge increases , but not be too much camera for me or be hard to learn how to use . I also checked online for local classes and the only one that I can find is through the community college and is $ 400 ! ! ! Yikes ! I think that I 'll take my chances with a couple library books first : ) TodaPosted by My mother will hereto forth be referred to as Smug - Grandma . She informed me yesterday that she didn 't have a Smug name on this blog , everyone else had a Smug name , but not her and she was totally right . I didn 't lump her in with all the other Smug people in my life , because she is in a class all her own ! ! My Mom is my hero , my confidant , my teacher and my friend . She looks out for me , is always there for me , loves deeply and always helps when she can . She has taken on the role of grandma with relish and I watch her relationship with my nephew and how they are buddies and they have their " things " and I love that ! For example , every year since my nephew was a baby almost , they have made gingerbread boys together at Christmas . I overheard them talking yesterday about how it was almost time again and how they had lots of work to do because he wanted to make one for his teacher and each of his classmates at school . I never had that kind of close relationship with my grandparents . I loved them and was happy when they visited , but most of the time they brought a gift , so that might have also played into the affection I felt . I never stayed with them overnight without my parents there ( both sets lived out of town ) . We never read together , played together , went to plays or shows , nothing like that . Smug - Grandma does all those things with both my nephews and I know that she will do all those things with Smug - Baby and Smug - Niece ! ! I wish that I had gotten to know my grandmothers in that way and now they have both moved on so forming something as an adult is not possible . So , yesterday mom and I decided to take a walk with the babies . It was a little cloudy and a bit cold , but we bundled them up and tucked blankets around them and off we went . I needed to get TVP ( Textured Vegetable Protein - a meat like substitute ) and since ALL our local Kroger 's have all discontinued it , the only local place to purchase it is the Natural Foods Co - op . This is fine because my sister lives about 15 blocks or so from the Co - op , so we headed off in that direction . Just as we completed the last block before getting to the store , I felt a rain drop . Mom suggested we hurry to get the TVP and back on the road before the rain hit . I rushed to the bulk food section and looked for the bin containing the TVP . After scanning all the bins a couple of times , I made myself slow down and start looking at each one . I was missing it . After reading about half the bins an employee passed and I asked her . She pointed out the bin - EMPTY ! ! Oh god , it was empty ! ! ! I asked her if there was any prepackaged or any bulk in the back and off she went to check . Turns out , they are completely sold out ! ! No prepackaged , no bulk , no delivery until AT LEAST Thursday ! ! ! We walked all that way for nothing ! ! ! Well , not nothing . I am slowly trying to collect all the speciality ingredients I need for some of the delicious looking recipes in my new BabyCakes cookbook , so I purchased some brown rice flour , because I was determined for the trip not to be a waste , and mom purchased a Tofurky roast which was on sale and we headed out the door . Only to find it was full on raining ! ! We decided that since it was just a light drizzle we would just walk really , really fast and get home . About 5 blocks into our home trip , the rain started coming down harder and got even harder about 2 blocks later and we were officially soaked to the skin . The babies were mostly covered by coats , blankets and the cover to the stroller , but they were still getting wetter than I would have liked . Smug - Niece slept through the whole thing and Smug - Baby kept looking around and enjoying being outside , the rain didn 't seem to bother her at all . Smug - Sister called and told us she was on her way to get us . We told her we were fine , but she insisted and a few moments later she pulled up . We made a dash of getting the babies , carrier and stroller into the car and drove home . So last week was my first full week of watching Smug - Niece and doing my Grandpa 's meds full time . Overall , it was doable and got easier as the week went on . I think that Smug - Baby is getting used to being at my sister 's house and Smug - Niece is getting to know me a bit better too . I am anxious to see how today goes , since we had the whole weekend at our house and Smug - Baby fell right back into her old nap routine . I am interested to see if she will nap today at her mostly normal times even if she is not in her own house and her own bed . I am interested to see if Smug - Niece remembers that I can give her comfort and she can be happy with me when her mama is not available . Smug - Baby was really tried so she and I went to bed at 8 : 15 last night which would have been fine , but she woke up to nurse about midnight and started pinching my chest while sucking . This little fingers with a tiny amount of skin between them and she would roll and twist the skin and cause the most horrible pinching pain . When I took her little fingers and tried to hold them ( which I have almost always done ) , this stopped the pinching and man , did she take offence ! ! She burst into tears and cried and cried . By then she was totally awake and Smug - Hub took her to the living room so I could try and sleep . But , these allergies or whatever it is that is making me cough , started up and I kept coughing . These dry unproductive coughs that kept me awake and the noise kept Smug - Baby awake . I tried a Halls but didn 't seem to do anything . It feels like I have a heavy cat sitting on my chest , but it 's only at night and in the early morning . She finally did fall back asleep about 1 : 30 and they both came back to bed and I was able to sleep again too . The other issue last night was I dreamed of snakes . I am petrified of snakes . Unreasonably petrified of snakes ! I know someone who is looking at purchasing a house and there is a family of garter snakes that live in one of the basement windowsills and although I haven 't seen the snakes myself , I still dreamed they got into the house when it got cold and there were little baby snakes everywhere . In every drawer , in the bed sheets , under every toy . In the dream , I grabbed my purse and ran to my car to come home and when I got here , my purse was full of snakes and they got out and went all through my house . I remember seeing them disappear into my kitchen floor , like they were sinking into the floor or becoming the same color as the floor , like chameleons and I knew that I would never find them all and I knew that I wouldn 't be able to live in my house anymore . Even after I woke from the dream , I couldn 't seem to separate from it , I couldn 't stretch out my legs in the bed , I just knew that I would feel a snake down there . I couldn 't get up and go pee , because I didn 't want to step on any snakes or lift the lid to see one swimming in the bowl . I know logically , that some snakes are really good . They eat insects and mice and other pests and I have never had a traumatic experience with snakes in my life , but I am really scared of them . I have bad dreams if I even see one of TV , let alone know of some in real life that are in a place that I may someday visit . I keep my phone lit every morning when I go out to my car because I am scared that I will step on one . I am scared that Smug - Hub will leave his car window cracked and one will get into the car and I won 't know about it until it is crawling all over me while I am driving - totally irrational , I know ! ! I don 't know how to get over my fear . Smug - Hub says that I need to go somewhere and let them poor a bucket or two of snakes over me and that would do it , but I think that I would die of a heart attack before the buckets even got close . I need therapy ! ! If my friend buys this house , I may not ever be able to visit her : ( Yesterday evening my phone rang and it was a number that I didn 't recognize , but I answered anyway . I said Hello and heard " Who Dis ? " To which I replied " Excuse me ? " " Where be John ? " At 11 : 34 last night , I was deeply sleeping when my phone rang . I first smacked the snooze button and them fumbled for the phone . I glanced at the number and noticed that while it was not one I knew , it was local and my heart lept as I thought about who could be calling . It could be about my grandfather or something else horrible and since everyone I know understands that I 'm in bed by about 9pm , no one would call this late unless it was a real emergency . Now I was pissed ! ! ! If I hadn 't been half asleep I would have called her back and demanded to know why she had called and why she had hung up without even an apology for waking me or acknowledging that she had dialed a wrong number . I was really tempted to call her up this morning when I got up at 4 : 15 to see how she liked being awoken from a dead sleep . " I just called to apologize for bothering you and for not believing you . Sara just got home and told me that I had been calling the wrong number . I had mixed up the last two digits and since she is kind of a problem child I just thought she was messing with me . I am so sorry about bothering you and your wife . Please let her know how sorry I am " Now , I was totally pissed at her until she had the grace to call back and apologize for her mistake . Now it 's just a funny story . Happy Friday everyone ! ! ! Please remember that what follows are my thoughts and feelings and not a judgement on anyone else 's life choices . I am certainly not so arrogant to believe that my opinions are the only correct ones . Also , I apologize for how disjointed this post is , but my thoughts aren 't coming in a readable order ! My friend Simple Peace Mama is struggling and her post on the compromises she has been making when it comes to her child was heartfelt and pure . However , I was shocked at the comments she received telling her that it was OK to compromise and that her baby would be fine if she decided to give him grains , let him cry it out , use disposable diapers and the like . Perhaps these well - meaning commenter 's sought only to ease my friends suffering and allow her to feel OK about making changes and that it totally fine with me , but it doesn 't seem helpful to me to let someone off the hook as it were for making a choice they know to be wrong . Simple Peace Mama is very clear on what she believes to be the right way of doing things , but she is struggling . How about telling her that she can do it , help her find the strength to do the right thing ? ! ? ? ! ? ! ? Who decides that a baby is OK with something ? I once had a friend who smoked all through her pregnancy and when she became pregnant again , I asked her if she planned on quiting smoking . She said that since her first baby was totally fine , she didn 't really believe that smoking was damaging . Here is the thing , her child was born with all the right parts in all the right places . No two heads or anything , but she developed asthma when she was about 4 and had ear infections almost constantly as a baby . Now , I don 't know if there is a correlation between those illnesses and her mother 's smoking during pregnancy , but it sure seems like there is one to me ! My point is this , we have huge numbers of ADHD in our children in this country and almost every child I know has some kind of allergy to food or something else . We have children that are bullies and children that get bullied . We have kids taking guns into their school and shooting up the place . These problems start somewhere ! ! ! We have a tendency to think of babies as something separate and not little humans with feelings , thoughts , and nerve endings . People say that it doesn 't hurt a baby to cry it out - how would they determine that ? ? A baby left to cry it out doesn 't grow two heads , so he or she must be fine with it ? ! ? ! ? ! ? People in this world have issues ! Some of them are obvious like they were beaten as children and others are more subtle , like issues of self esteem . Low self worth comes from somewhere - did a person with low self esteem cry out for his or her mama as a baby and no one cared enough to come ? ? Does the woman who lets her boyfriend walk all over her not feel loved by her parents from birth ? ? So , instead of telling my friend that her baby will probably be fine if she goes against everything ( or some things ) that she feels strongly about is not helping her , not empowering her . I say , no ! it is not OK to do something you are against . You are the adult and your child is totally dependent on you , so you have to suck it up and make the tough choices to do the very best you can . It 's time we as parents , as adults stopped thinking about all that other stuff , and focus only on what is best for our children . Babies don 't come into our lives by their choice , it 's by ours . We owe it to them to do the very best we can . That means different things to different people and it doesn 't mean that you should be miserable and never compromise on anything , but it does mean that if something is important to you , like breastfeeding , you should move heaven and earth to make it happen . The compromise should be on something that is about you and not about the baby . For example , another friend and her husband had loads anSomeone once said that we are never able to be in reality the parents we dreamed of being , but I am ( so far ) and I am proud of that . I wanted to do spend the first year of my daughters life a certain way and I am doing that - but I believe that I had realistic expectations and the things that I have given up are so worth it to me . My husband hates working until 7pm every night and I hate getting up at 4 every morning , but those sacrifices allow us to connect with our baby and really be there for her in every way . We are sacrificing our needs not hers and that 's the difference . Bottom line - You can do this Simple Peace Mama ! ! You can make the tough choices , you can do the best for your child , you can take a hard look at what is not working in your life and see clearly where the changes need to be made . I have faith in you and your love for your child . I empower you . I send you love and strength . Follow your heart and don 't let anyone let you off the hook ! ! Yesterday was much better than Monday . I did not get caught in construction between leaving work and getting to Grandpa 's . Smug - Baby slept the whole way there , so she was not hungry or crying or anything . We got in and out quickly at Grandpa 's and I made it to my sister 's house by 10 : 47 . Smug - Niece was pretty good all day and I took both girls for an hour long walk on the greenway ( thus the sore throat seems to be back - oh well ) and they both slept a bit . I took an alternate route to Grandpa 's after leaving Smug - Sister 's place at 5 and made it there with about 3 minutes to spare before he was heading down to dinner , so that made it a fast visit too . Everyone in the retirement community starts to swarm about Smug - Baby as soon as I walk in and they all love my ring sling and since almost her whole body is contained within , there is less touching of her hands and face . I also think that with her so close and almost like she is part of my chest , people are less inclined to get too close . But the attention is nice and it is helping Grandpa to stand out a bit . People remember that the cute baby comes to see him I guess . I got about 5 : 45 and watched 2 1 / 2 Men while Smug - Baby tried to wake up ( she napped again on the 15 minute drive home ) then I started making pasta sauce and washed a load of Grandpa 's clothes . I cooked the pasta and some french bread and had everything ready when Smug - Hub arrived . We ate dinner and they played while I got most of it cleaned up and packed my diaper bag for the next day and stuff . Then we all rolled around on the floor and tickled and laughed and were a happy family until about 8 : 15 . Smug - Hub had to take a fishing rod to a friend and I got Smug - Baby and I ready for bed . She wasn 't really interested in sleeping at first , and my throat had started feeling raw again ( it was fine all day , but started feeling bad again as soon as the sun went down ) , so I had a cup of hot tea and she played . Finally at 9 : 30 she fell asleep in my arms and off to bed we went . She woke at midnight and I switched sides , then she woke at 2 and I switched sides again . Then she woke at 2 : 30 and I had to pee like no tomorrow , so I jumped up to run really fast to the bathroom and she began to scream . Smug - Hub woke up and took her out of bed and bounced her while I tried to make my full bladder empty faster ( not possible BTW ) . When I got back to her , she was too awake and unhappy to sleep . I asked my darling husband to take her to the rocking chair , but he just looked at me until she was again so upset that I just got up with her . We went to the rocking chair and she nursed and fell back asleep . When I went back into the bedroom , the love of my life had fallen asleep wrapped in all the blankets , with no CPAP machine one , directly in the middle of the bed . I kicked him in the head . We woke up , but so did Smug - Baby . So I told him to get his ass on his side of the bed , get his machine on and I would be back . We did the rocking chair thing again and by about 3 : 30 she was finally deeply asleep . I went back to bed , and his ass was still in the middle of the bed . At least the machine was on and we wasn 't hogging all the covers . I managed to get Smug - Baby in the bed and us covered and than the jerk had the nerve to rub his feet on me ( he likes this as it is kind of a mini foot rub while falling asleep ) , I kicked him and then for good measure I pinched his arm . He jerked and knocked Smug - Baby in the head with his elbow - so Karma got me on that one - it must not have been hard because she didn 't stir , but I felt badly anyway . I figured that I wouldn 't fall back asleep , I would just lay there for a bit and then get up and maybe start a load of diapers or something . The next thing I know the alarm is blaring in my ear . I feel angry at my husband , because he is still sleeping and I am all ready to leave for work . It 's not like I can nap during the day with Smug - Baby anymore , he knows this and still let me get up with her while he slept . I want to cause him physical harm when he does this kind of stuff . However , today should be good . Smug - Sister is bringing the baby over to my place so I can wash diapers and Smug - Baby can have some time in her own home with her own toys and hopefully her regular nap schedule . Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out and today is an improvement over yesterday which was a great improvement over Monday , and tomorrow will be an improvement over today ! ! This week is my sister 's first full week back at work and my first full week of taking care of her daughter . I am also taking on my grandfather 's blood sugar testing and medication distribution . So , in addition to the 4 hours I have at my first job in the mornings , now I am hauling ass over to Grandpa 's retirement home to check his blood sugar and give him his morning pills and then racing over to Smug - Sister 's place to take care of the baby . I stay at her place until 5 or 6 and then go back to Grandpa 's to do evening blood sugar testing and evening medication . Yesterday was the first day and I was way stressed out by it all . First thing is my own child . I nurse her before I leave for work and then she has decided that she would rather wait for me than take a bottle of pumped milk , so she is pretty hungry by the time I meet Smug - Hub in the parking lot and get her . However , she gets really distracted by new surroundings and will not nurse well in the car , so I have been racing home and just nursing her there . Now , I have to make the morning stop at Grandpa 's and then get to my sister 's place all before she can nurse . Yesterday , I got stopped by some construction so that made it close to 6 hours between nursings for her and she was really upset about it . Grandpa wasn 't feeling great and I could tell that he was a bit lonely as he kept asking if I wanted an apple or to sit down for a bit , but I knew that my sister was trying to work and care for her baby at the same time , treading water until I got there . Once there , I was able to nurse and get settled in and it was a nice day . Mom came by and we each took a stroller and took the babies for a walk on the green way for about an hour . It was great and I felt wonderful after being in the sun and fresh air ( although , now I 'm not sure if it was a good idea or not - more on that later ) and the babies loved it and both napped . This is the other thing , my daughter is an only child and she is at that curious age where every new creak and bang , bump or noise of any kind distracts her . Normally , she takes 2 - 3 hour long naps a day . Yesterday , she only napped once for less than 1 hour . She dozed in the car on the way to Grandpa 's both times , but nothing that could be counted as a nap . She also fell asleep for about 10 minutes before mom arrived in the middle of the day , but the door opening and floor creaking woke her . Last night , after I got home from all my jobs was horrible ! It was too late for me to let her nap and still hope that she would sleep during the night and she was fussy and kept tripping over her feet and getting frustrated and didn 't want to me to put her down at all . It was better once Smug - Hub arrived home as she had another playmate and I was able to feed myself , but all in all it was a really tough night for us . Right before I was going to bed last night , I noticed that I felt like I needed to clear my throat and couldn 't seem to manage it . I sucked on a halls and figured that all the singing I had done to keep Smug - Niece happy and later to soothe my over - tired baby girl had caught up with me . When I woke this morning , I discovered that I had no voice ! After a shower and some throat clearing I am once again vocal , however my throat is feeling raw and I wonder if being outside in the cold weather and wind may have had something to do with it . So , I was standing in the shower , feeling despair wash over me thinking about doing it all over again today and tomorrow and for the rest of the week , month , year and a thought occurred to me . The first few days of having my wonderful baby girl at home were hard . It was hard to get to know each other and establish routines . It was hard to learn what she liked and didn 't like and what I needed to do to help her sleep or whatever . It stands to reason that this week is going to be really hard , but today should be better than yesterday and tomorrow will be easier than today . Next week will be even easier and so on . Routines will get established and my sweet girl will adapt . If she doesn 't , I 'll quit ! The other thing is that the stuff with Grandpa may be short term . He is seeing new doctors all this week and who knows what they will say or if his blood sugar will need to be tested twice daily or what meds will need to be taken when . It may be that I will only need to go there once a day , or it may be that his needs are so time specific that I will not be able to do it and mom will have to take over . So , no sense getting all worked up about it until I know more . My family really NEEDS the money that this extra work will provide ( especially if there is going to be a camera in my future ) and as torn as I am between the need for financial help and smug - baby 's needs , I do feel like this will get better if I give it a chance . Either it will get better , or I will cut all ties with everyone I 've ever known , take my girl and move to a hut in the forest : ) I am going out of my mind with desire . I have big lust that cannot be quenched . I need it , I have to have it , I can 't live without it . . . The Canon EOS Rebel - what did you think I was talking about ? ? ? I want this camera so much ! ! ! I look at the pictures that I am taking with my point and shoot and am so sad at how they are turning out . My baby girl 's first year is passing by and I have hundreds and hundreds of pictures and only a handful are what I would consider good . My current camera has such a slow shutter speed , that whatever cute moment is happening has long past by the time the picture is taken . I 'm serious , you press the button to take the picture and a good 3 - 5 seconds passes before the picture actually takes . It sucks : ( I even tried to convince my husband to apply for a Best Buy credit card in his name alone so that he could build his credit . This is actually true , he doesn 't have any credit in his name alone and needs to , but if I 'm honest , my reasoning is truly selfish . The thing that makes it hard to swallow about purchasing a camera that is the better part of $ 1 , 000 is that I know next to nothing about photography . I fell in love with my photographers who did my wedding , pregnancy pictures and are doing baby pictures for me , so I know that I love their work , but that is about the extent of my knowledge - liking pictures ! I have been looking at books on photography , but most of them need you to actually have a camera before you can apply the lessons . I was hoping to maybe ask for cash for Christmas and be able to get it then , but I don 't want Smug - Baby 's first Christmas to pass with crap pictures ! ! I want to get it now , have a bit of time to learn how to use it and then be a full on pro by Christmas ! A bit ambitious you say ? ? Well , that 's why I need to get it NOW ! ! ! ! My baby girl is sleeping . Now . . . We all went to bed last night about 9 : 30 , cause we were all tired and still getting over being sick . My sweet baby girl nursed all night long and switched sides like four times ( normally , she wakes once about 3 and I switch then ) . Finally , about 2 : 30 this morning she was done with sleep and was ready to play . Since I had to get up in a few hours Smug - Hub took her into the living room so I could sleep . About 10 minutes later he brought her back to bed where she promptly woke right back up . We decided that since he was still coming out of being sick and I probably wouldn 't be able to fall back asleep anyway I would take over and let him get some more sleep . She and I played with her toys and she nursed some more and then she climbed up into my lap in the rocking chair and fell asleep . Now it wasn 't a deep sleep , so I kept rocking and singing softly to her and finally I was able to lay her down in the bed . It was 4 : 15 , exactly 15 minutes before I needed to get into the shower . I was totally sleepy and her warm , soft body was so nice in my arms , it was really hard to leave her sleeping and go get into the shower , but I knew that if I lay down with her , I would never get back up and go to work . That is the worst thing about working ; leaving her in the mornings when she is all soft and cuddly and happy . I love the weekends when we all wake up together and she smiles at first daddy and then me , like she is so happy to see us both and she keeps looking from one to the other like she can 't believe her luck to have us both there to play with . So , Sunday night Smug - Baby was restless and nursing a lot . Then suddenly she threw up about a gallon all over herself , me , the bed - everything ! I got her up and in the shower to clean us off while Smug - Hub changed the sheets and we all went back to bed . I felt dread thinking that perhaps we had picked up the bug that my poor friend had been struck with on Friday and every time Smug - Baby moved or made a sound the rest of the night I was awake . Needless to say , when morning rolled around and I had not slept any I decided not to go to work . By this time I was feeling queasy and was worried that I too was coming down with the bug . Smug - Baby however seemed fine and was her normal self . I was supposed to start my new job , which is that I am going to be caring for my 12 week old niece while Smug - Sister goes back to work . I called and explained the situation and Smug - Sister said that if I felt up to it she wanted to take the chance and still have me come over . I did and it was really hard to keep both babies happy . Smug - Baby is not used to my sister 's house or sharing her mama and Smug - Niece wanted her mama and not me . I did end up taking them for a long walk , Smug - Niece in the wrap and Smug - Baby in the stroller and they napped and I got some exercise . Tuesday morning I went into work for my 4 hours and then to my sisters to watch the babies again . Tuesday was much better , Smug - Baby seemed to be getting used to being around the other baby and not having her own toys and such to play with . I again , took them for a walk , but noticed that I was really tired and the walk was super hard . I thought that this might has been because I was wearing my shape up shoes , and because it was also kind of windy , cut the walk short . After Smug - Sister finished with her half day , Smug - Baby and I went home and she went down for a nap and I had some lunch . After I ate , I started feeling really sick . I know it wasn 't the food since it was pasta that I had just made the night before . I decided to lie down , but almost immediately had to get up and use the bathroom . It was then that I knew I was sick . I called Smug - Hub , but got no answer . I called my mom and she headed over . Then I got a text from my husband and could only text " sick " back to him before I started throwing up . I was worried that Smug - Baby would be upset to see her mama in distress , but with each heave , she would laugh so I guess she wasn 't all that traumatized ! It wasn 't until after when I was trying to clean myself up that she seemed to pick up on my distress and cried and cried . I was too weak to pick her up and so I just lay on the bathroom floor and tried to nurse her and calm her as best as I could . When my mom arrived , she and Smug - Baby played while I brushed my teeth and went to the bathroom again and again . When Smug - Hub arrived home with Ginger Ale in tow , he put me to bed and took over with the baby . It was a restless night by all and all day Wednesday I was weak and kept having to use the bathroom , but I didn 't throw up again which was nice . Now it is Thursday morning and I am up and on my way to work . I feel like a normal person who was just beaten up with a bat . I am just really weak and sore , but I know that the virus has left my system and I am on the mend . Now , Smug - Hub is complaining of cold and soreness and feeling weak . The good news is that by this weekend , we should all be threw it and be feeling better : ) My weekend started with a phone call from my friend . She has in the hospital with dehydration from a stomach bug and needed help with her son , who is a few days younger than Smug - Baby . I drove over to the hospital and picked the little guy up and got them both home and upstairs , but then T - Man started to be really upset . My guess is that he doesn 't know me very well and he knew something was up with his mama . I finally got him happy with some apple sauce and when Smug - Hub got home from work , he took on the task of getting T - Man to sleep . I took Smug - Baby and got her ready bed and by about 10 both babies were sleeping soundly . It was decided that my friend and her husband should stay with us upon her release rather than get the baby up and into the car at 1am , but that involved running around at midnight getting fresh sheets on the guest bed and finding clean towels and something for them to sleep in . In the process , T - Man woke up and Smug - Hub rocked and bounced the little guy for a couple of hours until he was finally back to a deep sleep . His parents arrived about 2 and everyone finally got to bed . Saturday morning , we left the poor sickly family sleeping to went out to visit with some friends who were in town for a visit and had a nice lunch . I loved all the men playing video games , talking and playing with all the kids , while us women folk sat around and talked about our birth experiences and child rearing . I have been wanting to be part of these talks for about a thousand years ! Sunday morning we went to the local armory to await my cousin 's arrival . He has been in Afghanistan for the last 6 - 7 months and recently was injured ( concussion ) , so the whole family has been on pins and needles to get him home . My aunt and uncle drove in , my parents were there , his girlfriend was there along with her parents and Smug - Baby , Smug - Hub and I made up the welcoming party . He was the first off the bus and made a beeline for his girl , picked her up and swung her around is a tight hug . It was like in the movies and a really powerful moment . I hadn 't realized just how much I had worried about him until I finally was able to see him in person and get my own hug . I am so proud of him and so happy that he is home and safe and in one piece ! ! I am also really really happy that he is not going to have to go back ! ! That evening was Smug - Baby 's first Halloween and we got her dressed up and went door - to - door with her cousins . She seemed beat by all the excitement and we went home and got her to bed early ! ! It was a great weekend all in all . I am sorry that my friend is still feeling badly , but I am so happy that my cousin is home and it was a perfect first Halloween ! ! I am in my 30 's and have been married almost 3 years . I am a wife , daughter , sister , aunt , friend , lover and finally , finally what I have dreamed of being for many , many years . . . Mama |
I made my way to Chicago as soon as was practicable after my return to Western civilization . Of course , I considered calling Ray the moment I set foot in Inuvik but I didn 't know how to explain over the telephone . There was simply too much to say . So I reported to the RCMP outpost , had a bath , saw a medic , and visited Diefenbaker 's grave . Then I slept for thirty - eight hours , and boarded a plane to O ' Hare . Chicago was an assault upon my senses : the constant clamor of car horns and cellphones , people shouting and children screaming , engines everywhere . It smelled terrible , and I had an uneasy fear that Ray , now returned here , would be unwilling to ever leave again , and that I could no longer bear such an existence . I stared blankly at the rows and rows of cars lined up at the traffic lights , belching exhaust and focused fury . I felt bone - deep tired . My stamina was still well below its usual levels . I went directly to Ray 's apartment of course . The familiar brick facade shook me from my stupor and I remembered everything - his laugh , his intensity , his passion . The question of where we 'd live ceased to bother me . We 'd manage . But when I entered , there was a different name on his letterbox . Perhaps he was undercover as - I looked closer - Mr . & Mrs . T . Masters . It seemed improbable . I knocked on the landlady 's door instead . It turned out that the landlady was out for the evening , and her babysitter was unable to give me Ray 's forwarding address . I decided to find him at work the next day . I would have preferred to stage our reunion in private , of course . I had no idea how he 'd take seeing me again after all this time , but I could quickly bundle him out of the station if his reaction warranted it . It had been one of those days , one of those weeks , one of those years . I had a case with no leads , and another lead from Louie the Snitch with no obvious crime attached but the lead kept nagging at me anyway like there was something I was missing . Plus the station was short - staffed so I kept getting grunt work and dumb cases about animals , and the air conditioning was on the fritz so everyone was cranky and ripe . I thanked god that at least fish - stinky Dewey wasn 't working here anymore - though if he had been , I could 've handed off Mr . Tetchison and his missing purebred Persian cat . In the absence of Dewey , I shoved the file down to the bottom of my in - tray and went to the breakroom to see if the vending machine had gotten restocked yet . No such luck . It was all curled - up sandwiches with wilting lettuce . I got a Snickers and some coffee instead of food and headed back , still trying to make sense of Louie 's phone message . It was itching at me , so close I could taste it , and I stopped and leaned one hand against the wall , hanging my head down , trying to get a lock . Got distracted by the sweat trickling down my back , though . Jesus , this was no way to work . I was seriously considering relocating my desk to a nice , properly ventilated diner as I walked to my desk , and then time stopped , my heart stopped , and the coffee fell out of my hand and splashed all over the floor . He was standing by my desk , looking around like he expected that nothing had changed . He was wearing hiking boots and carrying his old leather jacket - the one I left at the Detachment - and jeans . No dress reds or Stetson . Just Fraser . Just - Our gazes locked and his face lit up like Christmas . The ground swayed , and I grabbed a chair and sat down , my feet slipping out from under me because of the coffee all over the floor . " Fraser ? " His smile faded , and he came over , worried and fussing . That 's my Fraser . As though I was the one - as though nothing had - He was thinner , and there was gray in his hair . " Ray , are you all right ? " " Am I - ? You 're alive . You are alive , right ? " I couldn 't get my head around it . All this time . All that hurt . " Ray ? " It was like we weren 't speaking the same language , like we were in different time zones . He grabbed my hand though , and his grip was hot and solid and a little sweaty from the heat . He put the back of his other hand against my forehead , and then shoved my head down . I struggled for a bit before I realized what he was doing . Guess I must 've looked pretty bad . I wrenched free from his hand and sat up . He was crouched beside my chair , eyeballing me like I was the back - from - the - dead one . I tried to speak and choked . Coughed till my eyes watered . Finally managed to get his attention on me instead of my state of health . " You know about Dief ? " " We were trying to find you , Fraser . You got wiped off the face of the earth or something ? " I touched a new scar , high up on his cheek , and ran my fingertips over his eyebrow . He cleared his throat and looked around . Right . We were in the middle of the station . Two guys in gang colors were watching us while Sandy booked them , and everyone else was firmly averting their eyes . I cut him off . " It 's a hockey thing . Don 't worry about it . " I struggled out of my chair , grabbed his arm and hauled him out of there , leaving someone else to clean up the spilled coffee . " Let 's get out of here . I need a drink . " " Are you kidding ? " I stopped and stared at him . " I am talking whisky at the very least . You have been dead , Fraser , and now you are here . That 's a big adjustment . I need alcohol to help my braincells , uh , tune into this new state of affairs . " " - so the Tribal elder allowed me to stay , which really , was remarkably generous given the state I was in . I could 've been anyone : bank robber , Customs official . They were very kind to look after me . My head injury healed over time , and I grew fond of many of them . " He blinked at me , and flushed . " Ah , well , nothing untoward , of course . They treated me more as a pet , really , until I regained my memory . For a long time , I was known simply as Nanook and it was my job to guard the fishing holes from seals . " " Jeez , that sounds like the Consulate all over again . " I shook my head . " You got a weird destiny there , Benton Fraser - all that watching and waiting for things that never happen . " " As a matter of fact , there were a number of seal attacks . That 's how I got this scar . " He pulled up his shirt sleeve and showed me a long pink mark up the inside of his arm . " No ! " I started , feeling guilty as sin even though I had nothing to be ashamed of . Okay , so he 'd seen the ring , but - " No , I - we just - I thought you were dead , Fraser . Two years . That 's a long time . " Something was hollowing me , from the inside out . I felt like I was gonna be sick , and put my head down on the cool slightly sticky wooden table top . " Couldn 't stand it . Couldn 't miss you forever . " Jesus . " You 're here . Okay . You 're here , and that 's a good thing , Fraser . Christ , it 's - " I sat up again and checked him out . He looked like hell . " Come home with me . " Fraser used to be like Superman - always strong , always polite . Now he was pale , his hand pressed to the side of his head like it hurt . " I need to , ah , I need to lie down . " " Yeah , " I said , and I touched his wrist . " That 's what I 'm saying . Come home with me . We 'll figure something out . You have to see Vecchio anyway . You can 't leave Chicago without seeing Vecchio , right ? " " Home schooling ? You ? " I snorted into the phone while I ironed my shirt one - handed . " Frannie , you gotta know math for home schooling . Anyway , you 're what , going to home school him from the bowling alley ? Why are you worrying about this now , anyway ? The kid 's only eighteen months old . " " Nineteen and a half , " she corrected me , sniffing . " And he 's real smart . He 's going to be like Edison when he grows up . " " Okay , nineteen months , " I said , putting the iron down and getting the shirt onto a clothes hanger . " So why not save the arguments with Ma until he 's three or four ? A lot can change in a couple of years . Who knows where you 'll be . " In the distance , out the front of the house , I heard Kowalski 's car pull into the drive and looked at my watch . Still early . I switched off the iron . " Is Ma okay ? " " Yeah , " said Frannie . " She 's fine . She won at Bingo last night and she 's been singing all morning . You want to speak to her ? " " No , " I said quickly . Me and Ma weren 't really on speaking terms . Frannie kept trying to patch things up between us , but I knew that every time Ma talked to me , she 'd cross herself and light a candle afterward , and it pissed me off . " No , I gotta go . " I heard voices in the hallway and latched onto that as an excuse . " We got company . " " Yeah , the Feebs are running some kind of internal training course . Doesn 't include contractors , so we called it quits at lunchtime . I 'm back in on Monday . " I stepped forward . " You okay ? " Jesus . " Fraser ? " I said it half to Kowalski , checking with him that I wasn 't imagining things . Kowalski nodded again , his ears going pink , and then Fraser had his arms around me in a bear hug . " Ray ! " He smiled . " So people keep telling me . " There was something off about his smile . I studied him . He looked good . Older and tired , but still Fraser , still the guy I 'd followed to the ends of the earth more than once . The guy I trusted instinctively . " Where you been ? " Christ . " It 's been two years , Benny ! What , you 've been living in a snow cave all this time , and you only just decided to make contact with the outside world again now ? " I tightened my grip , remembering the Memorial Service : tears in my own eyes , and Kowalski a complete mess - gray and hollow , and skinny as a stick figure . My jaw clenched and I stepped back , letting Fraser go . " We grieved for you ! You couldn 't have called ? " " He had amnesia , " Kowalski defended him , and helped him to a chair at the table . But I couldn 't stop . " So you forgot about us , and the walruses and the caribou adopted you and brought you up as one of your own , is that it ? " I hardly knew what I was saying . " Okay , okay , I just - " I took a deep breath and ran my hand over my head . " I 'm sorry . " I didn 't know who I was apologizing to . Both of them , maybe . " It 's a shock . It 's - it 's good to see you , Benny , but - " I sat down at the table across from Fraser , and then got up again and put the kettle on to boil . " Jesus , I just never thought - " Fraser 's gaze darted from the keys to me , then down to my hands . He blinked , then looked back at Kowalski . " You live here ? You 're - ? " Kowalski lowered his eyes to his keys . " Yeah . " I came over , still holding the three mugs I 'd taken from the cupboard . I put them on the table , took Kowalski 's arm , and marched him into the utility room and shut the door . It was cluttered and stuffy , and smelled of fabric softener . I put my hand on the back of Kowalski 's sweaty neck and shook him a little . " You brought Fraser here , but you didn 't say , ' Oh , by the way , Vecchio and me , we 're together now . ' " He 'd been surprised to find me home , too . Suspicion rose in my throat and I struggled to push it away . " Did you have amnesia , too ? " " I couldn 't - there was too much , " he muttered into my shirt , like he was talking to himself . " Two years of too much . I couldn 't just spring it on him like that . He - it 's not his fault . " He leaned back and looked at me fiercely , and held up his fist between us , showing me his ring glinting in the late afternoon sunlight . " I 'm not going to fuck this up . " I kissed him hard , lips on lips . " It 's already fucked . " I knew how much he loved Fraser - and I didn 't know if what we had , this life we 'd built , could compete with that . " It 's not your fault , either . But now everything 's - " I swallowed . " It 's gonna change everything . " Fraser stayed over , of course . Vecchio was torn about it , I could tell , but he 'd come around . It was Fraser , alive and flown twenty - five hundred miles to see us . It 's not like we could turn him away , even if we wanted to . I drove him back to his fleabag hotel to pick up his stuff , and we hardly talked the entire drive . Well , I told him about work , and how Frannie and Mrs . Vecchio had moved to Florida , and Maria and Tony had moved out with the kids ( though I didn 't say it was because they refused to bring up the kids with a couple of queers ) . I said how Stella had moved to Boston , and Huey and Dewey 's club was still limping along , but I didn 't say a single word about Vecchio or us . Maybe because I didn 't know what the hell to say . Maybe because I didn 't want to hurt him . When I was looking at the road , driving , I could almost pretend it was like the old days : the two of us on a case , hanging out , the easy give and take , and always always wanting him . But if I glanced at him , my stomach lurched and I had to grip the wheel tight not to reach over and touch him , to make sure he was real . He got undressed while I was brushing my teeth , and I came back in thinking yeah , we should fuck now . Not just because I had something to prove - though that was part of it - but because I needed to feel Vecchio , connect with him , and remember why we 'd ended up here . But he 'd already turned the light out , and was lying on his side facing the window . He was tense as hell , but he turned to me straight away and kissed me , his mouth forcing mine open , hard and desperate . I pulled him on top of me , hot and heavy , and I tried to soothe him with my hands , and he rubbed against me like he was going to come that way . I grabbed his head in both hands and whispered , " Fuck me . " And he did , hard and fast . I could tell he was staking his claim , and I wanted that too . Wanted to keep what was between us special . I pushed back against him , jacking myself off at the same time and straining to support myself on one arm , gasping , gasping , my heart hammering in my chest , my balls tight , and Vecchio inside me again and again - - and I shoved back , pushing Vecchio off me , out of me . He growled , but I groped on the nightstand , knocking some stuff onto the floor before I managed to turn on the light . Then I flipped over . " Jeez , I just gotta see - " He wiped the sweat from his face . I put my ankles on his shoulders . " Come on . I fucking - " And grabbed his arm to pull him forward , and yeah , he went with it , he did it . He rammed back inside me , hard and sure , and fucked me till I was digging my fingernails into my thighs and gritting my teeth to not come , to not shout out or whimper . It hurt , but it hurt good , exactly how I needed it . And I didn 't take my eyes off him . But when I came , I could still feel Fraser 's hands on me . " Yeah , " I lied . It hurt - I hadn 't lied to Vecchio for a long time , we were a team - but I couldn 't tell him this even though I knew he knew . This morning we 'd been sweet and safe , something I could count on . Vecchio and me - it was the connection that put a spring in my step , that let me put myself on the line at work , again and again . Because I knew he was there for me , smart and loyal and passionate . I needed that . And now - now my heart was breaking into two . I kissed Vecchio 's mouth , his shoulder and rolled over to go to sleep . I couldn 't sleep . I lay listening to his breathing even out and deepen , and I stared into the dark and tried to figure out how to feel what I wanted to feel . I wanted Fraser to be an old friend , someone special but not my whole world like he used to be . I wanted to love him like a brother . I just didn 't know how to get from here to there . Vecchio started snoring , a familiar sound that should 've been comforting but just made me restless . I got up and stared out the window at the yard . A cat jumped off the neighbor 's roof onto the fence , and then stalked over to the elm tree - where Fraser was lying on the ground . At this distance , without my glasses , I couldn 't tell what he was looking at - the sky , maybe , or nothing at all - but it felt like our eyes met . I felt it in my gut . I pulled on shorts and a t - shirt , and headed outside . All of a sudden it hit me that he must 've heard me and Vecchio fucking . With his bat - ears , he couldn 't have helped hearing . Jesus . And now he could probably smell it on me , too . I squirmed with guilt , which was retarded , but Christ it was a complicated situation . Was he trying to make me feel guilty ? What was the accepted mourning period in the Fraser family , anyway ? His dad had given him a step - sister not that long after his mom died , even if Fraser hadn 't found out about her for another twenty - seven years . " Fraser - " " I know . " He was trying to get a picture . I rested my elbows on my knees , and picked at the dirt under my thumbnail . " You 've got a lot of catching up to do , huh ? How 's Maggie ? " " I couldn 't say . I left a message with her CO , but I was in a hurry to - " He fell silent . I dropped my head into my hands . " Fraser . " I knew it was coming out muffled , but I couldn 't look at him . " Okay . Here 's what happened . You disappeared , and then Dief went down . I was alone - I - up in the cabin , no idea what to do with myself . I think I went a bit cuckoo . Kept thinking you were gonna walk through the door with snow on your boots , like nothing had - Every day I - I was - " I heard him take a deep breath and let it out . His hand settled on the back of my neck , heavy and hot , and it felt safe . " That was about three months . I got kind of sick . Sam Cook brought me into town to the doctor , and the doc sent me to Yellowknife on a stretcher . " I shrugged . No need to relive that : I didn 't remember much anyway . " Once I got out of the hospital , there was the Memorial Service , and then I came back to Chicago . " " Christ , Fraser ! It 's not your fault . I knew you wouldn 't leave . " I swallowed . " That 's how I knew you were really dead , because if you were alive , you 'd have come back . " I blinked to clear my vision , then continued . " Vecchio came to the Memorial Service , of course . He 'd just ended it with Stella , didn 't know what to do with himself , either . And I guess he - we got each other . We - he was the only one who got what it was like , losing you . No one else knew . " Fraser took his hand away , leaving me cold . I kept going anyway . It felt good getting it out there . " We - we , uh , fought for a while , and then we were friends , and then - " I shrugged . " It 's good . It 's not - I mean , it 's not what - " " No ! " I looked up , caught his gaze , and he was so close to me , and all the years peeled away so it was just the two of us again . " No , Fraser . You can 't - I don 't - " I lurched forward and kissed him , all teeth and lips , tasting him , tasting blood . I felt the ache of losing him well up inside me like it had never healed , never faded . " Don 't say that ! " And I buried my fingers in his hair and kissed him again . It wasn 't even a good kiss - just desperate . " Ray ! " Insisting I come back to here and now , and I didn 't want to . The old pain was easier than this , was clean and brutal and uncomplicated . This here now was just a big fucking mess . Things were different the next morning . Fraser had a cut on his lip that hadn 't been there the night before , and Kowalski was pale and tense , not looking at either of us . I 'm such a chump , I 'd thought that last night 's sex had meant something - that he was choosing me again , reaffirming our partnership . Now it seemed it was all back up in the air . Maybe he 'd been saying goodbye . Well , there was no way I was taking that lying down . I ate my cornflakes and drank my coffee , and reminded myself this wasn 't anyone 's fault . And Christ , I wished I could be glad to see Fraser . He 'd been my friend - my best friend - and I 'd been cut to pieces by his death . Now he was back I should be throwing him a party , but instead I was being cut to pieces all over again , because he and Kowalski had history , it was plain as day they still cared about each other . We all knew it . Just no one was saying it . Kowalski had to go to work , and Fraser wasn 't allowed in the station . " I 'll call you if something comes up - we can go investigate together , " Kowalski told him , like I wasn 't a cop too . Like I didn 't count . I was over - analyzing , and I knew it . Once the front door had shut behind Kowalski , I turned to Fraser where he was drinking his tea and studying the headlines . It was like a lifetime ago we 'd been partners . When I looked at him now , I couldn 't see a scrap of that idealistic young Mountie . All I could see was a rival . " So , " I said , laying my cards on the table , " I guess it 's you or me . " Fraser dropped the paper and met my eye , and the mask of politeness he 'd been wearing fell away . He looked serious and pale , and I knew I couldn 't fight him , but I knew I had to . " He 's asked me to stay . " " Maybe he did , " I said , trying to smile , " but that 's not what I 'm talking about . " If I lost Kowalski - See , if Fraser lost out , he 'd still be Fraser , just like he 'd always been . Alone in the snow . Alone in the snow . He might not be happy , but it wouldn 't be the end for him . He knew how to soldier on . There 'd be another wolf , maybe , or his sister to turn to . I 'd be the bad guy , but hell , I 've done that before . But if Kowalski left me - Christ , I didn 't even know where I 'd start . Alone in my Pop 's house , outcast from most of my family , picking up work here and there with the Bureau . That was no kind of life . Or I could go groveling to Ma , pretend like it 'd all been a mistake , and spend the rest of my life lying about who I was , who I 'd turned into . Trying to forget the way Kowalski 's eyes lit up when he laughed , the feel of his body shaking against me . I slammed my palms flat on the table and shouted , " No , you don 't ! You don 't have to ! I know your motto , Fraser , and it 's not ' get your man ' . You don 't have to do anything here but maintain the right . Me and Kowalski , we 're right . We 're good . Please , Benny , don 't fuck that up . " Fraser stood up , shaking but stubborn . " Ray , I 'm not trying to disrupt your life . But Ray is - important to me . You must know that . And I can 't just leave when he wants me here . You 're not being fair . " " Yeah , maybe I 'm not . But maybe I remember a certain dark - haired bitch , and how you were prepared to throw my reputation and my house down the toilet so you could be with her - " I broke off , gasping . Christ , I couldn 't believe I was saying these things . I walked the length of the room to steady myself , then turned to him , holding my arms up in apology . " Aw , come on , Benny , you know I didn 't mean it like that . It 's just - Christ , he drives me crazy , and I can 't - I can 't live without him . I don 't know what I 'd do with myself . " " It 's not a question of that , " said Fraser . He folded the newspaper so it looked untouched by human hand , and left the room . A second later I heard the door bang shut . I got home around seven after a long drive . Fraser and Kowalski were together in the kitchen , cooking and teasing each other . " - tubers and lichen , I bet , " Kowalski said as I walked in . " An old family recipe , " Fraser agreed , serious but with a twinkle in his eye . " Hey , watch it ! I 've got a knife . " He stopped chopping for a second and leaned back on me , then straightened up and shrugged me off . " We 're making , uh - " His forehead wrinkled and he looked to Fraser , but Fraser just laughed . " - stew , " Kowalski finished , vaguely . " Some kind of a stew . " That night Kowalski fucked me , slow and deep . Afterward , I touched his face and found it salty wet . Maybe just sweat - I didn 't know for sure . I held him while his breathing calmed down . " I love you , " I told him . " Whatever happens . " I woke up at two - thirty and he wasn 't there . I waited ten minutes , thinking maybe he 'd gone to the can , but he didn 't come back and he didn 't come back . I slung my arm over my eyes and tried not to think anything of it , tried not to picture the two of them together . And Kowalski still didn 't come back . I got up and pulled on my robe - the one he 'd given me for Christmas - and I happened to glance out the window . Maybe it was fate . I looked down , and Fraser and Kowalski were sitting side by side on the lawn with their backs against the elm tree . I opened the window a crack , and strained to hear what they were saying . I thought I heard Kowalski say , " We have got to stop meeting like this , " but I might have heard wrong , and after that I couldn 't make sense of the low murmur of their voices . What the hell was going on ? I opened my mouth to shout down to them , wanting to hurl accusations or at least interrupt them , but I didn 't know what to say and I was terrified I 'd piss Kowalski off . That was how much he mattered - I 'd rather have had him cheating and with me than have lost him altogether . I didn 't have any pride when it came to him . Kowalski finally came back to bed at four . I grunted and wrapped myself around him , too worn out to say anything , too wrung out to ask . I was overwhelmingly relieved he 'd come back - I hardly cared what he 'd been doing . Of course , the next morning , all I could think about was what they 'd been doing . I couldn 't find a way to ask that didn 't sound like I was jealous , and we were still pretending we were all adults here , so I kept my trap shut and waited to see how things panned out , while uncertainty gnawed on my guts . Fraser only stayed the two nights . On Saturday morning , while I was doing laundry and Vecchio was out buying milk and bread , he tried to help out by fixing a few things around the house - little bits of home maintenance I 'd been meaning to get around to but had never found the time . He oiled the rollers on the pantry door and somehow managed to stop the floorboard halfway along the hall from squeaking . He filled a couple of screw holes on the windowsill in the living room , and lathed a bit off the bottom of the back door where it 'd been sticking in the heat . He was still doing odd jobs when Vecchio got back . " Where 's Fraser ? " He put the milk in the fridge and the bread in the pantry . I sorted socks into pairs and shrugged , trying to keep it casual . " Upstairs somewhere , fixing stuff . " " Does it matter ? His hourly rate is pretty good . " I winked and dropped the last of the pairs in a heap , and sauntered toward Vecchio , trying to get his attention , to maybe defuse whatever tension had been twisting him tight since he woke up that morning , but his lips thinned . I blinked . I hadn 't seen Vecchio pissed for a good long time , and never this strained like he was one step away from going psycho . " Hey , calm down , " I told him , moving in to contain the situation , but he pushed past me , roughly , and strode out to the hall . " I can 't take any more of this . " He took the stairs two at a time , and I followed . And , of course , Fraser was in the master bathroom , fixing the towel rail . The exact wrong place for him to be . " Ray ! " I tried to drag him away so we could talk this over , just the two of us , but he stuck his chin out , shook me off . " Ray , " said Fraser , getting to his feet . He looked tired - maybe because he 'd been up half the night talking to me - and shocked . " Is there a problem ? " " Yeah , there 's a fucking problem , " said Vecchio . " I don 't remember inviting you into my bathroom . For that matter , I don 't remember inviting you into my fucking house . " " Time 's up for talking . " Vecchio pointed at me . " Now it 's time to choose . You 're wearing my ring , Kowalski , but you spend half the night talking - and Christ knows what else - with another guy . You have to choose . " " Fraser ! " I said , because Jesus , I 'd expected him of all people to side with me on this : we 're all grown - ups , we can talk about it rationally , work something out . But even Fraser was saying choose , like I could pick between them . Like it was easy , when in reality it was like choosing between my right arm and my left leg . " I know it 's not easy , " said Fraser , and I had to shut my eyes for a minute . I covered my face with my hands and felt my heart pounding fit to burst . The smooth silver band rubbed against my cheek , and then it wasn 't complicated anymore . I heard a choked sound behind me , but I ignored it . I had to do this right . I went over to Fraser and touched his face , his familiar face that would always mean the world to me . I brushed his cheek with my thumb , and he looked at me steadily , waiting . Faint hope in his eyes . It took a moment to register , and then the hope vanished like it 'd never been . He caught my hand and squeezed it so tight I though my bones would break . " I - I understand . " His eyes went dark and brilliant , and tears of sympathy stung my eyes . And not just sympathy . I shook my head . " No , I - " I still love you , I wanted to say . I hadn 't said it to him either night we 'd stayed up , and now I 'd never get the chance . It was too late . " Yeah . " But he didn 't move - just stared at me like he was memorizing my face . After forever , he cleared his throat . " I 'll get my things . " Behind me Vecchio was sitting on the ceramic rim of the john . The seat was up , but he didn 't seem to have noticed . He was kind of gray around the gills like he was this close to puking . I squatted down beside him and put my hand on his knee . " Hey , I 'm , uh - I 'm gonna take Fraser to the airport . " He stared at me like one of us had lost the plot and he didn 't know who , so I said it again . This time he blinked and then nodded . His hand covered mine on his knee . Jeez , talk about falling apart in a crisis . I wondered how in hell he 'd survived Vegas , and thanked my patron saint that I didn 't have to go undercover with him . But this wasn 't about work - it was about love . I knew I 'd made the right choice . The only choice . This was my life now where I belonged . This was my city and my guy . I pressed my forehead to his and rubbed his back . " You gonna be okay ? You gonna be here when I get back ? " I lay my head back against the awkward angle of the headrest and shut my eyes for takeoff . I was exhausted . The last two and a half hours waiting with Ray at O ' Hare had been as much a strain as a pleasure , and it was a relief when he said goodbye at the gate . " Have a good life , " he 'd said , intensely , and then hugged me with all his might . " You too . " The words scratched my throat . I hugged him back , held his body close . " Take care of him . " He pulled away , ducking his head . " Yeah , I will , " he said gruffly , and he turned without another word and walked away . The other passengers flowed past me as I stood and watched him disappear into the crowd . I felt cut adrift , a bruise deep in my chest , but I knew given time it would heal . I 'd loved Victoria too , and emerged more or less intact despite everything . At least in this , there was no malice ; the wound was clean . I looked at my boarding pass , and made my way to my seat on the plane . I was going home , and even if I never had the good fortune to find another soul as dear to me as Ray , I told myself I could at least forge friendships , just as I 'd developed ties with some of the good people in the tribe who took me in . I looked out the window at the dazzling blue sky and thought about where I 'd been not much more than a week ago - content to guard the fishing holes , ignorant of my past - and I realized I was free now . I could go anywhere . There 's a legend Innusiq 's grandmother once told me of a man who died in a storm at sea . His family mourned him and his wife begged the gods to bring him back , but to no avail . And then , years later , a distant god heard the wife 's lament echoing through time , and took pity on her . He brought the man back to life . Ten years to the day after he 'd left , the man entered his village with joy in his heart , only to find that he 'd lost his home , his family , everything . His children were grown and didn 't recognize him . His wife had married another man . The man tried desperately to gather together the lost pieces of his life , but - to cut a long story short - in the end , his wife blessed him and sent him on his way . And so the man stole his eldest son 's sealskin kayak . He climbed into it and set out toward the horizon , looking for a new place , a new life . He had many adventures . |
A member of the Democratic party , recently deceased , approached the Pearly Gates . After exchanging pleasantries with Peter , he asked Peter what all those clocks in the room were for . Peter said there was one clock for each human being living on earth , and they represented the amount of time each person had left to live on earth . The deceased wondered where Bill Clinton 's clock was located . Peter said , " Oh that one ? I keep it in the back room , and use it as a ceiling fan . " A woman took her dog to the vet . " Doctor , " she said , " I think my dog is dead . " The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box . The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn 't move . " Yes , your dog is dead , " says the doctor . " How much do I owe you ? " the lady asks . " $ 345 , " says the doctor . " $ 345 ? " the lady exclaims . " Yes , " the vet replies . " $ 45 for the office visit and $ 300 for the cat scan . " A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house . She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green . The contractor writes something down on his notepad , goes over to the window and yells down " Green side up ! " The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored . The contractor again notes it on his note pad , goes over to the window and opens it . He then yells down , " Green side up ! " The woman was curious , but continued to show him the rest of the house . In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window , " Green side up ! " A blond secretary was getting to the end of her rope from hearing all the " dumb blonde " jokes at work , so she decided to draw the line . " If I hear one more dumb blonde joke from any of you , " she told her co - workers , " I am going to quit and report you all for harassment ! " Shortly thereafter , at the watercooler during breaktime , sure enough , here come the dumb blonde jokes . Furious , she went into her boss ' office and resigned . While driving home on the highway , she happened to look out her window and saw a blonde lady sitting in a rowboat out in the middle of a wheat field , just rowing her heart out . Incensed , the blonde ex - secretary screeched her car to a halt , bounded out of the seat and ran over to the fence . Shouting at the blonde in the rowboat , she said , " You idiot ! What are you doing ? ! Don 't you know you are one of the reasons all the rest of us have to put up with ' dumb blonde jokes ? ' Why , if I could swim , I 'd come out there and let you have it ! " A blonde decided she was tired of being the butt of so many jokes , so she cut her hair short and dyed it dark . She was driving in the country one day and saw a shepherd tending a large flock of sheep . The blonde stopped her car and decided to show how smart she could be . She asked the shepherd , " If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock , can I have a sheep ? " The shepherd agreed , so the woman stared out at the sheep and then said , " 648 sheep . " The shepherd said , " Wow ! You 're right . Take a sheep ! " So the woman picks one up and puts it in her car . Before she can get in and drive away , the shepherd says , " Can I ask you a question ? " The woman agreed . So the shepherd asks , " If I can guess your original hair color , will you give me back my dog ? " One night in the middle of the magician 's performance , the ship hit an iceberg and sank . Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot . The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climbed aboard . Soon afterward , the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician . Finally the parrot squawks , " Awright , I give up . What did you do with the ship ? " Brother Andrew and Brother Patrick suggested opening up a Fish & Chips stand down on the motorway , right next to the scenic vista area so popular with tourists . The venture was going well and one day a tourist asked the monk on duty , " Are you the fish friar ? " " No , sir , " retorted the brother , " I 'm the chip monk . " Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it . He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 : 00 PM . They gathered at 2 : 00 PM and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them . The custodian then demonstrated . He took a long brush on a handle out of a box . He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet , moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick . That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror . Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear ! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar . They 're both frozen in their tracks . The first camper whispers , " I 'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today . " A man decided to become a monk , so he signed up with a monastery that took its vows of silence seriously . The head monk told him he could not speak a single word for 10 years . However , after 10 years , he would be permitted to speak two ( and only two ) words . The head monk reminded him he could not speak another word until his next ten years was reached . In his 20th year , the head monk summoned him and told him it was time for his two words , so he should choose them carefully . The monk said , " Bed hard ! " The head monk again reminded him of his vows to remain absolutely silent for the next 10 years . At the end of those 10 years , he was again sent for and given the opportunity to speak his two words . The monk said , " I QUIT ! " A cannibal got an awful stomach ache so went to see the witch doctor . " What have you been eating ? " asked the witch doctor . " Just a missonary yesterday , " replied the cannibal . " Describe this missonary , " says the witch doctor . " Well , he wore a long brown robe , sandals , and had a belt like rope around his middle with a cross on it . " How did you cook him ? " asked the witch doctor . " The usual way - just threw him in the pot and boiled him . " A man in Africa was out taking a walk in the jungle . He found a secluded spot , sat down , and began reading a book . Soon , however , he had a feeling that he was being watched . He looked to his right and there was a lion . He froze . Then he looked to his left ; you guessed it , lions were on both sides . Suddenly , the lions jumped the man and ate him . I 'm tired . For a couple of years I 've been blaming it on my iron - poor blood , lack of vitamins , dieting , and a dozen other maladies . But now I 've found out the real reason : I 'm tired because I 'm overworked . There are 85 million in school , which leave 48 million to do the work . Of this , there are 29 million employed by the federal government . This leaves 19 million to do the work There are 188 , 000 in hospitals , so that leaves 12 , 000 to do the work . Now , there are 11 , 998 people in prisons . That leaves just two people to do the work Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant . The waiter tells them tonight 's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish . " The chicken sounds good . I 'll have that , " Hillary says . The waiter nods . " And the vegetable ? " he asks . A head rolls into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of something good . The bartender gives him a shot , and the head drinks it . To his surprise , a torso pops out from the head . " Wow ! " said the head , now with a torso , " I 'll have another . " He drinks his second shot and out pops two arms . " Another ! " cries the head . He takes his third shot and out pops two legs . Now the head was a whole man ! " ANOTHER ! " roared the man . " Are you sure ? " asked the bartender . " ANOTHER , I SAY ! " demanded the man . He took his shot and POOF he was gone . A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat . He came across two men . One was sitting under a tree and reading a book ; the other was typing away on his typewriter . The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him . There was a man who entered a local paper 's pun contest . He sent in ten different puns , in the hope that at least one of the puns would win . Unfortunately , no pun in ten did . Everything went quite well until one day when the farmer discovered that $ 50 , 000 in cash was missing and unaccounted for . The farmer approaches the accountant and starts to ask him where the money is only to remember that the accountant can 't hear him . So , the farmer calls a friend who knows sign language and asks him to come over and ask the accountant where the money is . The farmer says to his friend , " Please ask the accountant where the money is . " The friend signs , " Where is the farmer 's $ 50 , 000 ? " The accountant signs back , " I don 't know . " The friend interprets to the news to the farmer . So this gets repeated a couple more times , with the friend signing to the accountant and the accountant replying that he doesn 't know where the money is . Finally the old farmer takes out his shotgun and lays it on the table . Then he says to the friend , " Ask him again where the money is . " An expensive lawyer , a cheap lawyer and the Easter Bunny are in an elevator . The elevator goes up and stops on the 15th floor . Which of the three get off the elevator ? Donna - - A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle . He looked around and didn 't see anyone so he opened the bottle . A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out . The genie said , " I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish . I can only grant one . " The man thought for awhile and finally said , " I have always wanted to go to Hawaii . I 've never been able to go because I cannot fly . Airplanes are too frightening for me . On a boat , I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic . So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii . " The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said , " No , I don 't think I can do that . Just think of all the work involved . Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean . Imagine all the pavement needed . No , that is just too much to ask . " As Mr . Smith was on his death bed , he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him . He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer , his doctor , and his clergyman . He told them , " I 'm going to give you each $ 30 , 000 in cash before I die . At my funeral , I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me . " All three agreed to do this and were given the money . At the funeral , each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside . While riding in the limousine to the cemetery , the clergyman said , " I have to confess something to you fellows . Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life , and I know he would have wanted me to do this . The church needed a new baptistery very badly , and I took $ 10 , 000 of the money he gave me and bought one . I only put $ 20 , 000 in the coffin . " The physician then said , " Well , since we 're confiding in one another , I might as well tell you that I didn 't put the full $ 30 , 000 in the coffin either . Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine , but the machine cost $ 20 , 000 and I couldn 't afford it then . I used $ 20 , 000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient . I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that . " A train conductor goes berserk , and starts shooting all his passengers . He is tried and found guilty , and sentenced to die in the electric chair . After exhausting all his appeals he is finally led to the execution chamber and strapped in . The power switch is thrown , but nothing happens to the conductor except a slight twitch . More power is applied and the switch is thrown again . The lights in the prison dim , but the prisoner just grins . Finally all available is applied , the switch is thrown , the light throughout the town goes down , but the prisoner is still unharmed . They realize that is would be cruel to try again so they start unstrapping the prisoner . Jack - - In the middle of a forest , there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge , mean bear . In his fear , all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful . Finally , he turned and ran as fast as he could . The hunter ran and ran and ran , until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff . His hopes were dim . Seeing no way out of his predicament , and with the bear closing in rather quickly , the hunter got down on his knees , opened his arms , and exclaimed , " Dear God ! Please give this bear some religion ! " The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air . Just a few feet short of the hunter , the bear came to abrupt stop , and glanced around , somewhat confused . Suddenly , the bear looked up into the sky and said , " Thank you , God , for the food I 'm about to receive , . . . " There are three blondes stranded on an island . Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish . The first blonde asks to be intelligent . Instantly , she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island . An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house . They were afraid that this could be dangerous , as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire . So , they decided to go see their physician to get some help . Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders . The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful , and left the doctor 's office very pleased with the advice . " Nonsense , " said the husband , " I can remember a dish of ice cream ! " " Well , " said the wife , " I 'd also like some strawberries on it . You better write that down , because I know you 'll forget . " " Don 't be silly , " replied the husband . " A dish of ice cream and some strawberries . I can remember that ! " " Ok , dear , but I 'd like you to put some whipped cream on top . Now you 'd really better write it down now . You 'll forget , " said the wife . With that , the husband shut the kitchen door behind him . The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans , and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream , strawberries , and whipped cream . He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later . He asked the good fathers to close down , but they would not . He went back and begged the friars to close . They ignored him . He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business . They ignored her , too . Bill Clinton is visiting a school . In one class , he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a " tragedy . " One little boy stands up and offers , " If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him , that would be a tragedy . " " No , " Clinton says , " That would be an accident . " A girl raises her hand , " If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff , killing everyone involved , that would be a tragedy . " " I 'm afraid not , " explains Clinton . " That is what we would call a great loss . " The room is silent . None of the other children volunteer . " What ? " asks Clinton , " Isn 't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy ? " Finally , a boy in the back raises his hand . In a timid voice , he says , " If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb , that would be a tragedy . " " Wonderful ! " Clinton beams . " Marvelous ! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy ? " " Well , " says the boy , " because it wouldn 't be an accident , and it certainly would be no great loss . " Once upon a time , a pregnant woman whose husband was away on a business trip went into labor . She called her incredibly stupid brother to assist her since her husband was out of town . The brother got her to the hospital , and as she was being taken to delivery she grasped his arm and said , " If anything happens to me , I want you to name my child . " He promised he would , and she then disappeared into the O . R . where she experienced an extremely difficult delivery which rendered her unconscious for several days . When she came to , she saw her stupid brother sitting beside her bed . She groggily asked , " What happened ? " He beamed proudly and said , " It was touch and go for a while and we almost lost you , but everything is dandy and you had twins , a boy and a girl , exactly one week ago . " " A boy and a girl ! My heavens ! But I 've been out an entire week . So did you name them for me ? " she asked , warily . " Yep I did , and you 're gonna like that part too ! " " Really ? So what did you name my daughter ? " he answered , " Denise . " " Denise , . . . , Denise ! What a lovely name ! And my son ? " She approached one of the women for an explanation . " This is marvelous , " said the journalist . " What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles ? " A young executive was leaving the office at 6 : 00 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand . " Listen , " said the CEO , " this is important , and my secretary has left . Can you make this thing work ? " A woman got on a bus holding a baby . The bus driver said : " That 's the ugliest baby I 've ever seen . " In a huff , the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus . The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong . " The bus driver insulted me , " she fumed . The man sympathized and said , " Why , he 's a public servant and shouldn 't say things to insult passengers . " " You 're right . " she said . " I think I 'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind . " " That 's a good idea . " the man said . " Here , let me hold your monkey . " The husband was trying to downplay the pain involved in childbirth . The woman asked her doctor if she could describe it to him . " Sure . " the doctor replied , " Mr . Johnson , grab hold of your lower lip . " Milo - - Did you hear about the fellow who had trouble sleeping because elephants got under his bed every night ? They stomped and trumpeted and he was all worn out from lack of sleep . So he decided to see a psychiatrist who worked with him over a long period of time but nothing changed . The psychiatrist suggested he see another doctor who might have more expertise in this field . A few weeks later he met the man , who now looked relaxed and rested , so he asked who had helped him . He was told it was his brother - in - law , which surprised the psychiatrist . " I didn 't know your brother - in - law was a psychiatrist ! " said the shrink . The man replied , " Oh , no , he 's not a psychiatrist . He 's a carpenter . He told me to cut the legs off of my bed , and now they can 't get under there anymore . " Donna - - The pope dies , and goes to heaven . He 's met by the reception committee and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the many recreations available . He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures , so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages . Once when I was lost , I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents . I said to him , " Do you think we 'll ever find them ? " He said , " I don 't know kid - there are so many places they can hide . " I walked into my patient 's room the other day to find her sitting quietly in bed . She was picking her nose and humming to herself . " Good morning Mrs . Dunn , " I said . Richard - - One morning , as an older couple sat at their table over coffee , the husband turned to his wife and said he was going to apply for Social Security . His wife said , " Oh dear , I don 't think that is a good idea . You know we lost everything in the fire . You don 't have the proper forms of identification or anything . " He said , " Just don 't you worry about it , I 'm going anyway . " Off he went and was back in an hour with a check in hand . His wife was amazed and asked him how he did it . He said , " No problem , I just ripped open the front of my shirt and said look at all this white hair . " About halfway through the first quarter , Bob noticed an empty seat , 10 rows off the field , right on the 50 yard line . He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat . As he sat down , he asked the gentleman sitting next to him , " Excuse me , is anyone sitting here ? " The man said , " No . " Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game , Bob said to the man next to him , " This is incredible ! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it ? ! " The man replied , " Well , actually , the seat belongs to me . I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away . This is the first Superbowl we haven 't seen together since we got married in 1967 . " Al - - A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary . The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife , " Dear , there is something I must ask you . It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children . Now , I assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for and your answer can never take that away but I must know . Did he have a different father ? " The wife drops her head , unable to look her husband in the eye . She pauses for a moment and then she says , " Yes , yes he did . " The old man is shaken . The reality of what his wife is saying hits him harder than he expected . With a tear in his eye , he asks , " Who ? Who was he ? Who was the father ? " After eating an entire bull , a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring . He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him . The moral of the story is - when you 're full of bull , keep your mouth shut Maya - - Three women were about to be executed ; One was a brunette , one a readhead and the other a blonde . They bring up the brunette and the guard asks if she has any last requests . She says no and the guard shouts , Ready , Aim , . . . and suddenly the brunette yells , " EARTHQUAKE ! " Everyone looks behind them and she runs off . Well , by then , the blonde had it figured out . So they bring her up and she is asked if she has any last requests . She says no , so the guard turns and yells , Ready , Aim , . . . and the blonde yells , " FIRE ! " Al - - When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend , they talk about football and basketball . When middle management get together , they talk about tennis . Top management discusses golf . It 's easy to sit there and say you 'd like to have more money . And I guess that 's what I like about it . It 's easy . Just sitting there , rocking back and forth , wanting that money To me , clowns aren 't funny . In fact , they 're kinda scary . I 've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad Maya - - A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded preserve when he comes across an unkempt man sitting at a make - shift campfire and , to the ranger 's horror , eating a fish and a bald eagle . He arrests the man . He was soon brought to trial for his crime . The Judge asked the man , " Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense ? " " Yes I do . " replied the man , " but if you let me argue my case , I 'll explain what happened . " The judge answers , " You may proceed . " " I got lost in the woods , and hadn 't had anything to eat for 2 weeks , " the man explained . " I was so hungry , I was eating plants to stay alive . Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake , grabbing some fish . I thought if I startled the Eagle , I could maybe steal his fish . " Lo and behold , the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish so I threw a stone at him , hoping he would drop the fish and fly away . Unfortunately , in my weakened condition , my aim was off and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head and killed it . I thought long and hard about what had happened but figured that since I killed it , I might as well eat it , since it would be more disgraceful to let it just rot on the ground . " The judge took a recess to analyze the defendant 's testimony . Fifteen minutes goes by and the judge returns . " Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn 't intend to kill the eagle , the court dismisses the charges . Case dismissed . " The judge then leans over the bench and whispers , " If you don 't mind my asking , what does a bald eagle taste like ? " Suzanne - - I ran into a friend of mine at the convention today . She said , " I 'm so excited because today I got married and tonight I 'm going on my honeymoon and it will be my first time . " " First time ? " I said . " I thought you were married 3 times before . " This is actually a variation of the phrase , " Hey , Moe ! " Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard , who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes . Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi - tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips , but the result remains the same . " $ 20 for 3 minutes , " the pilot replied . " That 's too much , " said the farmer . The pilot thought for a second and then said , " I 'll make you a deal . If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound , the ride will be free . But if you make any sound at all , you 'll have to pay me the $ 20 . " The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride . After they landed , the pilot said to the farmer , " I want to congratulate you for not making a sound . You are a brave man . " David Stone - - Murphy and O ' Brian grew up in the same village together . They were friends all their lives , married a pair of sisters , and lived just down the street from each another . Now Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed surrounded by all his friends . He calls out , " O ' Brian , come here O ' Brian . I have a request for ya . " O ' Brian walks to his friend 's bedside and kneels down . " O ' Brian , we 've been friends all our lives and now I 'm dyin ' . I have one last request for ya . " O ' Brian bursts into tears and says , " Anything Murphy , anything ya wish . It 's done . " " Set an honest and honorable example , just as I did , " advised George . The next night , the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom . " Tom , what is the best thing I could do to help this country ? " Clinton asked " Cut taxes and reduce the size of government , " advised Tom . Clinton didn 't sleep well the next night , and saw another figure moving in the shadows . It was Abraham Lincoln 's ghost . " Abe , what is the best thing I could do to help this country ? " Clinton asked . Jeff - - A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road . He stopped to give him a ride . Further down the road , the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road , and turned the truck on a direct course to hit him . Then he thought , " Wait , I have a priest in the truck . I can 't run down that lawyer . " So at the last second , he swerved the truck to miss him . Although he thought he hadn 't hit the lawyer , the truck driver heard a thump outside the truck . Jeff - - The CIA had an opening for an assassin . After all the background checks , interviews , and testing were done , there were 3 finalists : 2 men and a woman . For the final test , the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun . " We must know that you will follow your instructions , no matter what the circumstances . Inside this room , you will find your wife sitting in a chair . Kill her ! " The man said , " You can 't be serious . I could never shoot my wife . " The agent said , " Then you 're not the right man for this job . " The second man was given the same instructions . He took the gun and went into the room . All was quiet for about 5 minutes . Then the man came out with tears in his eyes . " I tried , but I can 't kill my wife . " The agent said , " You don 't have what it takes . Take your wife and go home . " Finally , it was the woman 's turn . She was given the same instructions , to kill her husband . She took the gun and went into the room . Shots were heard , one shot after another . They heard screaming , crashing , and banging on the walls . After a few minutes , all was quiet . The door opened slowly and there stood the woman . David Stone - - Two Aussies , Davo and Johnno , were adrift in a life boat on the open sea . While rummaging through the boat 's provisions , Davo stumbled across an old lamp . He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came out . This genie however , stated that he could only deliver one wish , not the standard three . Without giving much thought to the matter , Davo blurted out , " Make the The genie vanished . Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances . Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo , whose wish had been granted . Jon P - - Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game . At the station , the 3 Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the 3 Canadians buy only a single ticket . " How are you 3 guys going to travel on only one ticket ? " asks one of the Americans . " Watch and you 'll see , " answers one of the Canadians . They all board the train . The Americans take their seats but all the Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door . Shortly the train starts and the conductor comes around collecting tickets . He knocks on the bathroom door and says , " Ticket , please . " The door opens just a crack and a hand emerges with a ticket . The conductor takes the ticket and moves on . The Americans see this and agree that it 's a clever idea so after the game the Americans decide to try the Canadians ' trick . When they get to the station , they buy just one ticket for the return trip . To their astonishment , the Canadians don 't buy any tickets at all ! " How are you going to travel without any tickets at all ? " asks one of the Americans . " Watch and you 'll see , " answers one of the Canadians . " My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can . That 's almost $ 7 . 00 in dog money . " - Joe Weinstein A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down . The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket . She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back . The blonde replies " I 'm blonde , I 'm beautiful , I 'm going to Montreal and I 'm staying right here ! " The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy . The copilot goes back to explain that because she only paid for Economy the blonde will have to return to her seat . The blonde replies , " I 'm blonde , I 'm beautiful , I 'm going to Montreal and I 'm staying right here ! " The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this crazy blonde woman . The pilot says , " I 'll handle this . I 'm married to a blonde . I speak ' blonde ' . " He goes back to the blonde , whispers in her ear , and without hesitation she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section . Douglas G - - A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller . He can see from her name plate that the teller 's name is Patricia Whack . So he says , " Mrs . Whack , I 'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation . " Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow . She finds the president and says , " There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $ 30 , 000 . He wants to use this as collateral . " She holds up the tiny , pink elephant . I mean , what is this ? " One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm , a mother was tucking her son into bed . She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice , " Mommy , will you sleep with me tonight ? " The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug . " I can 't dear , " she said . " I have to sleep in Daddy 's room . " It was time during the Sunday morning service for the children 's sermon . All the children were invited to come forward . One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down , the pastor leaned over and said , " That is a very pretty dress . Is it your Easter Dress ? " When I was six months pregnant with my third child , my 3 year old came into the room when I was just getting into the shower . She said , " Mommy , you 're getting fat ! " I replied , " Yes honey , remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy . " A certain little girl , when asked her name , would reply , " I 'm Mr . Sugarbrown 's daughter . " Her mother told her this was wrong and that she must say , " I 'm Jane Sugarbrown . " The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said , " Aren 't you Mr . Sugarbrown 's daughter ? " Chelsie - - A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out . Her boss , concerned , asks what 's the matter . The blonde replies , " Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away . " Her boss said , " I 'm terribly sorry to hear that . Why don 't you go home for the day ? " The blonde explains , " No , I 'd be better off here . I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here . " Her boss says okay and the blonde stays at work as usual . " If you need anything , just let me know , " he says . A few hours later , her boss decides to check on the blonde . He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically . He rushes out to her and asks , " Are you going to be okay ? Is there anything I can do to help ? " Chelsie - - A blonde , a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desert island . One day they are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp . They rub and rub and sure enough , out pops a genie . The genie says , " Since I can only grant 3 wishes , you may each have one . " The brunette says , " I 've been stuck here for years . I miss my family , my husband , and my life . I just want to go home . " Poof ! The brunette gets her wish and is returned to her family . The redhead says , " I 've been stuck here for years too . I miss my family , my husband , and my life . I wish I could go home too . " Poof ! The redhead gets her wish and is returned to her family . Chelsie - - A blonde finds herself in serious financial trouble . She decides to ask God for help . She prays , " Please help me . If I don 't get some money , I 'm going to lose my house and my car . Please let me win the lotto . " Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it . Again she prays , " Please let me win the lotto ! I 'm about to lose everything I own ! " Lotto night comes and she still has no luck . Once again she prays , " Please ! I 've lost my house and my car . Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order . " Chelsie - - A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her , so she buys a gun . She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door , she finds him in the arms of a redhead . Well , the blonde is really angry . She opens her purse to take out the gun and is overcome with grief . She takes the gun and puts it to her head . The boyfriend yells , " No honey , don 't do it ! " The blonde replies , " Shut up , you 're next ! " |
Olivia had made a note to herself that when she got to school she 'd ask her teacher about Time and why it flew about the place . However she didn 't reckon on meeting with Smiling Joe , first . This was the boy who knew everything about everything and all the rest there was to know . In later times we feasted on those cherished memories , hungering for stories and thoughts of back when life was a joy , an ecstasy even . Visitors would come and go from our little huts but not before they told a tale or two of the way life had been . We fed them , they told us stories . " My family lived by a railway track in an old house that had once belonged to a signalman . In the days before the darkness my father would sit out on the old wooden seat and wave as the trains passed . Before long my parents had children - me and my brother and three sisters , and each of us would join our father waving at the trains as they travelled by our house . He called us the ' railway children ' , just like the old book that had once stood on his shelf beside his bed . " When the darkness came and the trains no longer travelled along the tracks , my father would still get us to sit as a family and wave at non - existent trains . He would describe them in the greatest of details . ' Look , ' he would say . ' There are people waving back , the lady with the green hat , see how she waves at us ? Look at the little boy laughing as he plays with his toys . ' And I could see them in my head , all the people he talked about who rode upon the imaginary trains that passed us by . " When my father took his last train journey , we still kept up the joy of sitting on the wooden bench and waving at the trains . Each of us would take it in turn to describe some passenger who was waving from the window . You might think my father was a little mad in what he had us do , but I tell you this , it kept us together and it kept us sane , and it made us think of the old days . " Those times were like having water . You always assume that it will be there until it dies off or runs out . Then you can never quench your thirst . " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Featured Post # bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , flash fiction , Short Story , the past , trainsLeave a comment UncategorizedShoreham , Christmas , 1944 There is a village , Shoreham , in the south - east of England which stands alone in many ways . None more so than during the years of World War 2 when every building sustained some bomb damage . In this little hamlet , the folks were , and are , made of stouter stuff and for every injury inflicted on the village , the hearts and minds of the villagers came back twice as strong . The village had waved farewell to many souls over the war years , and some of those had not returned , some would never return , and some saw the village through sadder hearts and eyes . Some would never speak of what they had seen , except to nod to a fellow soldier on the way to church on a Sunday morning , and in that nod they knew what each was thinking . In their minds there was no point in fighting a war for freedom then burdening loved ones with stories of hate and guilt . In the month of December 1944 , the inmates of this little village were beginning to tire of the constant war and had decided to hold a Christmas party in the village hall . Food was rationed , but the fields and gardens of the hamlet had been used to grow some treats for such a party . Each of the villagers sacrificed a little food here and there and a local farmer donated two chickens to the affair . The children were given one sweet each and as they excitedly sucked on them , they sat in a well - behaved line waiting on Santa . Old Harry was meant to arrive at 2pm but by 2 . 15 there was still no sign of him . Gladys , who had taken it upon herself to organise the party ( it kept her mind off her son who had been taken prisoner in the Far East ) decided to send Edith to fetch Old Harry as she didn 't want the children to be disappointed . Just then Santa arrived in the village hall , covered in snow and with a bag full of colourful presents . One by one the children sat on Santa 's knee and told him what they wanted for Christmas . Nearly all of them said the same thing : they wanted their daddy , or brother , or mother to return home for Christmas day . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Featured Post # bobbystevenson , chirldren 's , flash fiction , thoughtcontrolLeave a comment UncategorizedThe Empire Cafe , Soho As a haven for the unloved , the eccentric and the lost , the Empire Cafe was perfectly situated in a little corner of Soho . It also prided itself as a home for those on their way up and a passing place for those on the way down . If you 've ever been to London and drifted around that part of town then I know you must have passed it . Perhaps you drank in it and were unaware of where you were . Perhaps you hadn 't seen the Cafe because you were looking up at some other building or maybe you had just been checking your appearance in the reflection of the Cafe 's window ; but the place is there , I promise you . In the mid 1700s , it was rumoured that the Hellfire Club met in secret at the coffee shop and that one night it was lost on the turn of a card . One of Mister Chestnut 's ancestors was asked to hold on to the property until the rightful owner came to claim it . He never did , and there was talk that the owner had been killed in a duel . So through this one act of God , the Chestnuts became part of the Soho establishment . I was taken on in 1946 as chief dishwasher and toilet cleaner and I loved it , every grimy second of it . Those who used the place were a who 's who of all the movers and shakers of their day . In the late evening , when we closed up shop and over a hot cup of Java , my employer would tell me stories of the past , those he had witnessed and those he had been told about by his Father and his Grandfather ; all the wonderfulness that had been passed down through the family . " Let me think . 1895 , as sure as eggs is eggs , ' cause it was just after my fourteenth birthday . In he came , all broken . He sat down over there and I asked him if he wanted something to drink . ' Hemlock , dear boy , hemlock ' . I asked my Father for hemlock and he clipped me around the ear . ' Don 't be so bleeding stupid ' said my Father , ' You must have misheard him . ' So I walked back towards the table when I spotted that he was sitting with a young man , older than me but younger than him and get this , they were holding hands . The young man read from a card that the older man has passed to him ' For Oscar Wilde , posing somdomite - Good God Oscar , my father can 't even spell . The ignorant beast . ' " I only saw the older man once again when he came in a few weeks later . He had aged so much in that short time , and as he sat down all the rest of the people in the cafe got up and left . Apparently he went to prison not long afterwards . " " He was a little man , spoke with a German accent . Now I know what you are thinking young man , you are saying to yourself that the description would fit many people . And you would be correct to make that assumption , except I remember him for something he said . He shouted at me that I was to bring him a coffee and that is what I did . As I approached the table I could hear him laughing , so I smiled back at him . A happy customer is a returning customer and I was just about to tell him to recommend us to all his friends when I saw what he was so happy about , on a newspaper sitting on his table were the headlines ' Over fifteen hundred sank to death with giant White Star steamer Titanic ' . " Bloody rich Jews " he said , " best place for them " " To say I was shocked , disgusted even , that a man like this could say such evil things about other human beings . I was about to ask him to leave when a second man came in , his brother Alois , I had seen him in the cafe before . If I remember correctly , he and his brother Adolf had lived in Liverpool for a while to avoid conscription to the Austrian Army . " Mister Chestnut kept me on for most of ' 46 and ' 47 washing and cleaning until one day he took me into his office . I had been there for two years and this was my first visit to the inner sanctum . It smelt of liquorice and tobacco and looked as if it was decorated for a fortune - teller rather than a cafe manager . " I want to promote you , my boy . Enrique is old and leaving at the end of the month and I will need a waiter . Of course it will mean more money for you and also the Olympics will be here soon . I will need a much younger man to deal with all our visitors and friends . " He was correct , was Mister Chestnut , the year of the Olympics was the busiest I could remember . We worked every day from sunrise to almost sunrise the following day . Naps had to be taken , when and where we could find the time . There was a little store - room out the back where I managed to take forty winks now and again . I remember one night I had just splashed water on my face to waken me up when this very distinguished gentleman entered with a young blond girl in tow . The two of them asked for the quietest table , which was always the one at the back next to the toilets . Now I tell you this dear friends , I will go to my grave believing that it was the Queen 's husband whom I served that night and the blond woman was not his wife . This is not the place to tell such a story since he is not able to defend himself but I promise you - if it was not Philip Mountbatten , the Duke of Edinburgh then I will eat my hat . I looked over at Mister Chestnut and I know he recognised the man because he put his finger to his lips to warn me to say nothing . On Christmas Eve 1950 I asked Maria , the most beautiful girl who worked in the restaurant next door , to marry me . She accepted and we got married in the New Year holding the reception at the Empire Cafe . We invited all the regulars . It was a night I shall never forget . One day in 1951 , Mister Chestnut took me into his office for only the second time and told me that it was all mine . " The time has come - you have a family to consider " he said " I will be seventy this year and enough is enough . " There was no son to pass his business on to , " God 's will " , he would say . So he considered me the nearest thing he had to a son and the Cafe was to be my inheritance . He slapped the keys in the palm of my hand , put on his big overcoat and never crossed the threshold again . My neighbours were actors , jazz musicians and more recently Chinese . After Limehouse had been bombed in the war , the Chinese had begun to move into Gerard Street and the areas surrounding it . This brought with them , the Chinese gangsters - as if there weren 't enough British ones in Soho . What I also remember about the Fifties was the music . Now there are some who will tell you that the birth of British Rock and Roll started in the 2I 's coffee bar in Old Compton Street , but I say it was at the Empire Cafe . On Saturday nights we would have Tommy Steele , Wee Willie Harris , Cliff Richard and Hank Marvin . The Cafe was always crowded at weekends , so much so that some of those that couldn 't get in , moved to the 2I 's , which was a bigger venue . Perhaps that is why they claim to be the birthplace but I know the truth , we were first . As for the gangs , the Krays had always stayed up east and the Richardsons to the south of the river . One night the Kray twins came in and took a table from a couple who were already sitting at it . The boyfriend got up to challenge them and Reggie Kray slapped the boy and threw him and his girlfriend through the door . I was about to say something when Ronnie Kray told me that if I knew what was good for me , I would get them coffees and leave them alone . As the Sixties turned into the Seventies , Robert began to take on more of the responsibility for running the cafe . James had decided to work in computers and had joined an IT company over in Putney . He and his wife moved into a flat in Chelsea and very rarely ventured into the West End . There are so many stories about the Empire Cafe that I want to tell you . Ones concerning prime ministers and princesses , rich men and poor women , writers and painters , musicians and kings . All of them true and all of them from the Empire Cafe . They had no need to worry where their next research dollar was coming from , indeed none of the team had any need to work for the rest of their lives . The principal was simple although the actual practical solution had taken decades of research : A material that repaired itself . You see it wasn 't so terrible when you put it down on a piece of paper like that . It seemed so innocent , beneficial almost . As with all great ideas there were teething problems . The material , for instance , had to be guarded because of theft . The ' bridgits ' as they became known would hack off a piece of SeRep meaning the bridge would have to repair and replace and then they 'd sell it ( or at least try to ) on the ' Net . Janus Jones was a mid western boy straight out of college and about to set off for the Florida panhandle in a car his Pappy had bought him . The present was not for finishing school but for staying out of jail unlike Kevin , his older brother . Janus could have flown pretty cheaply but he wanted to follow the Mississippi all the way south and then cut across to Tallahassee . Then Kevin jumped in the car . And so the two Jones brothers ( you 'd have sworn they 'd had different fathers ) set off on a trip that would shake their worlds forever . At the trial Kevin , although missing most of his left arm , was still able to act as a credible witness . The way he told things it was as if the brothers had been the innocent victims . That wasn 't totally true . Just before the incident Kevin had driven for several hours south which had let Janus sleep , although with Kevin at the wheel Janus tended not to sleep too soundly . They 'd stopped at the very last bar in Illinois going south to allow Kevin a few beers , Janus drank cola and several of the witnesses had told the court that Kevin had forced Janus to stay , and that Kevin had drank too many beers . That was just Kevin . As they left the car lot , instead of Janus driving , Kevin jumped into the driver 's seat and was beginning to move off . Janus had no choice but to jump in over the rear of the car . Chances are Kevin would have left him for cold , just standing there and let him make his own way home - Kevin had done it before . Kevin drove the car so close to the edge that sparks flew from the girders . Janus ' new car was badly damaged down that side . Not satisfied with this , Kevin started to run the car into the supports causing them to buckle and bend . The cars behind , seeing what had just happened , had managed to swerve around the hole . Kevin swam to shore leaving Janus to sink with his new car . The older boy was way too drunk to try any heroics and was probably lucky just to save himself . It was inevitable that one day they would start to see each other in a differing light . One evening Jethro looked at Kitty and saw , not a little friend who needed to be rescued , but a beautiful young girl who needed to be held . And one summer 's day , instead of a little boy who always needed his nose wiped or his tears dried , Kitty saw a strong upstanding boy who she could think of perhaps marrying , one day . There was one crazy dream that they both shared ( Kitty thinks she first read about it in a book ) and it was their wish to go skiing in Central Park in New York City . Neither of them had ever been in another country but this seemed the perfect reason to go . They knew there were only the smallest of hills in the park but that didn 't put either of them off - not one bit . Every winter they would talk about going to New York , and then before they knew it , another year had passed . They were in their sixties when Jethro started to get ill , and it meant that Kitty spent more and more time looking after him . It wasn 't a chore , she just worried about her little boy who had once lived next door to her . One winter , just before the start of December , Jethro shut his eyes for the last time . When Kitty found herself brave enough , she started to sort out Jethro 's things . In an old jacket she found details about a savings account in the little bank at the top of street . When she got to New York it was September , in fact the hottest month since records began - so skiing was out the question . That night she sat in her hotel room and talked to Jethro as she always did , and after telling him she hoped he was well where ever he was , she mentioned the lack of snow . It was just then that a TV show came on about the Guggenheim Museum in New York and it gave her an idea . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 24 Apr 201724 Apr 2017 # bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , flash fiction , NewYork , Short Story , thoughtcontrolLeave a comment American , Flash Fiction , Short Story , UncategorizedThe Man From Biloxi The first time I seen him was on 8th Avenue , that must have been around early ' 51 . I mean he was a street man and all , so he played his music a little , he begged for a few cents , and above all , he survived . Some days , he 'd be sitting in that old coffee bar - the one that used to stand on the edge of Hell 's Kitchen . I 'd nod and he 'd call me over and introduce me to his latest friend . Sometimes , it was a writer called Jack Kerouac , or a strange little man out of Wyoming , name of Jackson Pollock . One night , my friend , the man who played the trumpet on 8th Avenue , took me to a night club just north of Central Park . I can 't recall who was playing but as we sat down at a table , my bud introduced me to Miles Davis . Man I had always wanted to meet this cat , but the soul who sat in front of me was drained of life , he was solid gone . This genius was as low as anyone could be . He kept trying to find anyone in the club who could provide him with a little something to get him back on his feet . It was only later I realised that he meant drugs . The Christmas of 1951 was a real freezer as I recall . The snow just lay on the streets and folks dealt with it best they could . My youngest , Albert , slid while trying to cross a street and a bus ran over his leg . I had only turned my back to see where my daughter was , when the accident happened . My boy had struck his head on the way down , and things didn 't look good . Not good at all . The doctor said that we should prepare for the worst . How your life can change in an instant - I mean , you got to hold on to everything and enjoy it . At the hospital I walked to the window to get some air , and as I opened it I could hear the sweet sound of a trumpet 's notes floating in the night . Sure enough , across the street , was my pal playing for my son and my family . His way of saying ' I 'm here for you , buddy ' . The last time I saw my pal was in the summer of 1952 . Albert had made a full recovery and we 'd gone for a walk in Central Park . I remember that day so well as it was over a 100 degrees and folks were falling down all over the place . There I 've said it , but it don 't make it any less true , friends . I ain 't gonna argue here and now about how you measure niceness and all , you 're just gonna have to take my hand - on - my - heart word on that point . You see , me and my pals , sure are the nicest people to walk this part of Bucks County - maybe even further , but heck , if it just don 't stop things happening . I guess the first kookiest thing to happen was when my grandmother lost that precious ring , the one that my grand pappy had given to her on the day she said yes to marrying him . Charlie ( that 's my best friend ) just turned to her and said , you 'll find it under that old leather chair your cat uses as a bed . And you know what ? That was where it was . Well I 'll be , I kept saying to myself that day , well if that ain 't the darndest thing . My first thought was that Charlie had put it there himself , on account he was always up to something or other . But then , as Charlie said himself , he 'd never been up to that part of my grandmother 's house that held the cat 's chair . I don 't think he was lying , friends , I surely don 't . I guess Charlie had always been the weird one - well , weirder than the rest of us - which is a long way away from what folks call normal in these parts . Charlie used to go by the name of Kenzo , The Magician when he was knee - high to a real magician . Used to put on shows for us kids , even convinced us that he could make birds appear out of the air . Then one day , Danny , Charlie 's young cousin from his pop 's family , bust a finger when a brick fell on it . That finger couldn 't make up its mind which way it was pointing . Then Charlie took his cousin 's hand and placed it between his own hands . Danny said he felt real warm and when Charlie took his hands away , the finger was pointing the way it was meant to . I kid you not , friends . It was pointing as straight as the day is long . One day , not long after my birthday , I was playing in the yard with the hamster that my folks had given me . I can 't really remember what happened , but my mom called me for something and I turned to ask her what she wanted when Geronimo ( the hamster ) kinda made an escape right into the middle of the street . It was just as Mister Feeling 's horseless carriage was put - put - putting along ( with Mister Feeling singing a really loud song from Don Giovanni ) that he ran over my hamster . These strange things kept happening - but far enough apart that no one ever really joined the dots . I guess when folks would talk about Charlie behind his back , I would get real annoyed and punch anyone who said my bestest pal was weird . He ain 't weird I told them . My mom told me that folks like Charlie only come along once in a blue moon . I told Charlie that my dad was in the back bedroom and that Charlie wasn 't to be alarmed . You see , my dad kinda liked to be by himself and be with the folks he said were in the room . I couldn 't ever see any of them . " Just ' cause he sees them , don 't mean they 're there . And just ' cause you can 't , don 't mean they aren 't , " then Charlie started his whistling again , as if he knew something I didn 't . That wouldn 't have been difficult . I remember my grand pappy had said that Charlie was an ' enigma ' , which I thought was a monster like a vampire or something . But when I looked it up in the book of words , it said that Charlie was the kinda friend that no one could work out . Those were the kinda friends that I liked . On the day that Charlie died , the whole town showed up . I was picked to say a few things about my pal , the enigma , but first I got the whole congregation to whistle Charlie 's tune ( he would have liked that ) , even the reverend had to smile . On his gravestone I had them carve the words : Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 24 Apr 201724 Apr 2017 # bobbystevenson , # feelgood , children 's , feel good , flash fiction , happy , thoughtcontrol . # thoughtcontrolLeave a comment UncategorizedAmazing Grace It 's funny how no one talks about Amazing Grace anymore . I guess she 's been gone a long time . I guess if you didn 't forget about people then we 'd still be talking about folks who lived in caves . They say you die twice , once when your heart stops and the second time when the last person mentions your name . My Granddaddy passed away when I was ten years old and one night I was sitting on the back porch looking up at the sky to see if I could see as far as heaven . I was eating a carrot because my Ma said that they were good for your eyes and if you ate enough then I reckoned I could see as far as Heaven ( although I 'm not too sure how far it is away ) . My Granddaddy always said nothing was worth travelling for , if it was more than two days drive away . So I 'm guessing Heaven is only two days by car ( assuming you can drive a car in the sky , that is ) . Anyway , in between munching my carrot and staring at the sky , Amazing Grace came and sat beside me - she had a way of making you feel better by just by being there . " And if you didn 't feel sad or even happy at some time in your life , then you 'd never know how the other folks on the bus were feeling . We hurt so that we can help others - that way we know how they 're feeling and we also hurt because we have to say goodbye at times . It 's no one 's fault . It 's the rules of the bus and we have to live by them . " " So you see , we hurt and cry and laugh and smile because it 's the only way we can know what 's going on in another 's heart . That 's what makes us all one . Some are happy on a par - tic - cu - lar day and some are sad on the same day and those who are happy have already been sad and know how it feels . So they help the sad ones to be happy again . If we didn 't feel things how could we understand anyone else ? " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 23 Jan 201723 Jan 2017 # bobbystevenson , children 's story , fcition , flash fiction , Grace , Life , Short Story3 Comments UncategorizedThe Girl Who Stole A Piece Of The Sun I think I was eight or nine years of age when my Grandma went down the road . At least that 's what my Granddad called it . " Listen sweet - pea , one day I 'll take that walk and later , so will you . We 'll all meet up at the little shack further down the road , just over the first hill . You remember that , I 'll see you there . " And then he put the glass jar in the pond and filled it with water . And just then the sun disappeared and my Granddad told me he had caught a piece of the sun in a jar . Then he put the lid on it . My Granddad took his walk a few years ago , but you know what ? I 've still got that jar with me , the one where we captured a little piece of the sun . And on dark days , I still open the lid . On clear days I could spot the horizon and that meant everything to me . It was the tallest of houses and the happiest of homes . It was stuffed full to the rafters with sisters and brothers and my mother and father . We helped each other and we supported each other . We made each other smile and sometimes we made each other cry . These were the days which were warmed by the sun and seemed to last forever . In the winter we drank broth and ate stews and hunkered down in the heat of each other 's company , comfortable that the others were there . There were card games , singing , communal cooking and laughter , oh yes , the laughter . There was always someone laughing in that house . When the storms hit the house , it rocked and swayed and the more it rocked and swayed , the more we felt safe . Don 't ask me what I mean by that , just that you had to be there to understand . My Grandpa had built it for the simple reason that he wanted to prove you could build a house on the sand by the sea . There were those in town who said he was a brick short of a chimney but my Grandpa had always believed in himself and so it had happened . And having been built by such a kind soul and even kinder heart meant that the very building seemed to bleed understanding and tolerance . When it swayed in the wind it sang to us , the building actually felt as if it was telling you that nothing was going to harm you . We were just to relax and bend with the wind . There was a writing room or rather I used it to write in it , but my brothers and sisters would read , paint , listen to the radio , have heartfelt discussions about the world and all the stars , in it . I learned a lot of things about life in that room and some things I probably shouldn 't have . I realise now how lucky I was back then , what with all that softness , that gentleness , that amount of caring from my family ; all of it given to me by some higher force . Boy was I the lucky one . My father and mother taught us to never ever to take anything for granted . To smell the rain , to feel the flowers , to stand on the roof of the house some days and just scream , scream for your very existence . Sometimes I 'd scream for the overwhelming energy that was the world and some times I would scream for all the injustices that we heap on each other ( even on ourselves ) for there is no crueller person in the world than those things we do to our own minds and hearts . It 's like the man said , if we treated other people the way we treated ourselves , we wouldn 't last long . So I wrote and wrote about the way things changed and the way that things stayed the same . I wrote about love and hate and war and peace . Those days were the most perfect of my life . But as I 've written in these pages before , no one ever tells you that you are passing perfection - you only ever see it in the rear view mirror and that 's when you realise that there 's no reverse . Sometimes I would sit with a hand under my chin waiting on the rest of the family to come down , trying to look European ( although I wasn 't real sure what that meant ) . Other times I would sit with Grandpa 's old pipe and stare out to sea as if the meaning of life was somewhere out there to be found . Man , that pipe tasted real bad . Then one morning my father came into breakfast and told everyone to remain calm and not to worry but Grandma had been taken to hospital . She had been my moon and my stars when I was growing up . She was the one who encouraged me to write , who had read Dickens to me and who now would listen to my own stories . In the evening when I was writing I could hear the dance music coming from their gramophone . Boy they loved to dance . When they were younger they would travel the county taking part in competitions . Their room was full to the roof with trophies . When we got up there , boy it was warm and you could see for miles . I turned the handle on the gramophone and put on her favourite tune and then she asked me to dance . I took her hand and I bowed and then we danced as if she was seventeen again . Martha had a room , one that she would refer to as a ' spare room ' . Not that the size of her house allowed for such extravagances - she had a kitchen , a little area to sit , a small toilet at the rear of her house , and a little bedroom upstairs . Next to that was Martha 's spare room . The years drifted by and no child was gifted to the couple . Then one quiet May morning , Ted went into the spare room and noticed all the junk covering the walls and floor . He also noticed , sadly , that all the characters he had painted had faded in the sunlight . And that is what it became . All the presents given to them at Christmas or birthdays were placed in the room in order that they could be admired and kept good . Dishes , cups , paintings , bottles of this and that , were all placed in the spare room to be kept good . With Ted no longer there , Martha didn 't notice her mind beginning to wear away . Sometimes she forgot things , then she forgot names of those who came to call . One morning Martha came down from her bedroom and couldn 't remember who she was . It was all he had ever wanted to do - to be a writer , and now he was walking towards Glasgow University in order to register for a BA in English . Or to be more accurate , they called it ' matriculation ' up there , after all it was the fourth oldest English - speaking University in the world . It had been founded in 1451 and he was the first of his family to ever get so far . Where we lived doesn 't really matter much , ' cept to say that you could spit into another State from our porch . That was where my granddaddy sat thinking most days and most nights . He just cogitated - " yep , I 'm sitting here just running things about my great big head , " was how he 'd usually greet me . And to be real honest , it was a big , big head , man it was huge . It needed to be , considering how much it had to hold - what with all the things my granddaddy had done and all . I used to think that I wasn 't worth nothing . I guess that was ' cause folks kept telling me that , and I suppose after a time you start believing it . I reckon that is one of the worst crimes a man can commit - to take away a man or woman 's belief in themselves . That way they 've robbed you of the most precious thing you 've got - you . Now I ain 't the only one that 's suffered that way , no sir , the world is full of thieves that make you believe that you ain 't worth nothing - just ' cause they are the unhappiest souls this side of the sun - they spread it like a virus making sure every other soul joins in . Some people take years to put themselves back together again - and all those years are lost to them , to their families , to their friends , to themselves . Ain 't nothing ever going change human nature , but then again , none of us designed the universe that way . It 's just some of us luxuriate a little more in the darkness , than some other folks ; if you hear what I 'm saying . Anyway , I 'm deviating again from what I was wanting to tell you . One day when the world was young ( at least to me ) we got this new teacher in school . She was tall and pretty and had a way about her that had never seen in anyone else . When she looked into your eyes you believed every word she told , I mean it , every word . One real warm afternoon she took out this big blue ball which turned out to be the Earth and she said that was our home , all out homes but ( and then she paused so long that Becky Stanshaw started to cough ) - then she told us that wasn 't where we came from at all . Well I nearly fell off my seat , what kind of craziness was she talking about ? And apparently it was this - we weren 't just made up of stuff from Earth , no sir , we were also made of stuff that came from dying stars - way , way out there . Well , I 'll be , I thought , well I 'll be . Now that day I ran home as fast as I could and as fast as Mr Clarity 's dog would let me , ' cause it was always biting on my trousers and trying to stop me running . I swear one day I would just take my britches off and keep on running . So I got home just in time to see my granddaddy lighting up another cigarette and ready start another hour of cogitating . Now I got to jump this story to a long time later , a way long time later when I had grown some , and I was sure of what I wanted to do in my life . The problem was , it wasn 't what my family wanted me to do . You see my family came from soldiers , ones that had fought in the days of the war of Independence , and in every skirmish and war since then . My granddaddy was a soldier , as was my father and my brother Brett , who had recently joined up . It was assumed that I would join up too - but I have to tell you here and now that was not in my particular way of thinking . It got so bad I thought of leaving home , and one night I just sat on the porch steps and cried . I mean I was old enough to join the army but I still blubbered . That was when my granddaddy came out and sat with me . We just looked up at the night sky and the stars and he said : And I said I did , and granddaddy said , " Well what if those in the family - who wanted to be soldiers - came from those stars and maybe you - who wants to entertain folks - came from one over there on the left . See what I 'm saying ? If we are all made up of different stars then how can we all be expected to be the same ? " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 20 Dec 201620 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # hope , # love , flash fiction , magic , night sky , sky , stars , thoughtcontrol2 Comments # hope , # love , Being Human , Flash Fiction , happiness , Life , Short StoryThe Morning of the Day … . . She could feel the sun on her heart , as its rays broke through the window . There was a bird , a blackbird , singing in the old twisted trees . She heard the cyclists from the city , shouting to one another as their bikes sailed past her front door . The aroma of the freshly made coffee had skipped the stairs and had , instead , entered her room through a little opened window . There was a quiet tap as a Bee kept hitting on her glass pane , looking for somewhere new to live . She had done with the dull days , and the rain , and the mist that had arrived with the darkness . She had done with avoiding mirrors and reflections . She was finished with treating herself as the enemy , and listening to the sourness of others : their paths were their problems , their responsibilities . The saddest thing about her ability was that she could create alternative lives , so clear in her mind that they could almost be real , and in those lives were another her , another more happy version of herself where she had found love , and happiness and hope . She could taste those worlds , smell them so clearly that she would be sad when it was time to leave . That was the pain in the gift . The downside . But in the days since the darkness , being a carrier of stories was a gift that allowed her to eat and sleep under a more secure roof . No amount of dreams or storylines could compensate for the touch or smell of another being . She had realized that we were all born with a hunger for many things , but the need for the company of another human was the strongest of all ; plus she had to eat , we all had to eat but she was searching for something else , too . It had been told that all references to life before the darkness had been bleached and censored from the stories that were passed from father to daughter , and mother to son . No one wanted to know about the times before the darkness , and soon no one remembered , nor cared . The time after the darkness was all they knew . That is what she was - a troubadour who walked and told stories and passed messages . There was no family for her , except for those she visited from time to time . In the walks between encampments she would conjure and manipulate new stories in her head . Some would make her smile , some she would keep to herself , and some would make her and those she met cry . In one of the days - of what was once called Spring - she came across a dwelling that was sheltered in behind a large waterfall . You might pass the shelter and never know it was there , but she had seen the sign that had been made , a mark on a rock that only the troubadours and those who caused the marks , knew about . It told them that a troubadour would be most welcome and that the others were waiting nearby . When a story - teller came to a group of people , it was like their sun had shone again , like a light had been lit . Those in the tribe would paint their faces , and some special food would be prepared for everyone . In each encampment there was usually a troubadour 's chair where the honoured guest would sit , and after a hearty meal they would tell a story . After she had eaten , she had sat upon the highest chair which had been carved from a hard - stone . The chief waved an arm and the whole tribe fell into a hush . This is what they waited for , this was a speaker of tongues who brought colour to their lives . Normally this was greeted with a large round of applause . Then she would tell her tale , sometimes she used the flickering shadows from the fire to help the story live . Other times she would use her arms and hands to make a point in her story . I was never always a troubadour , and indeed when I was a child it was the farthest thing from my mind . I was born and grew up on a farm about one hundred clicks north of here . My job was to take the soil , sieve it , check it for radiation levels and then return it to another field . There was about thirty of us in this little haven . Thirty happy , and mostly healthy , souls . My brother , my birth brother , went by the name of Joshua . He was a year older than me , and as such was my closest friend . Both of us worked the outer fields , one would dig the soil while the other watched out for bears , wolves and other animals . To be truthful here , there were strange tracks in the mud , ones that I had never seen before , but considering I had never really wandered more than a few clicks from the farm that wasn 't really surprising . Back then there weren 't too many folks calling themselves troubadours , so we tended to speak stories among ourselves . Same ones , always the same . I could smell it before I saw it : a wolf . They always gave off a cold , wet , stale musky smell and I knew it could probably smell me too . I knew that running wasn 't the answer , but climbing a tree might save my life . I still had a lot of farming to do , and losing me would put the farm back a few weeks . I turned to grab the nearest branch when the wolf grabbed my ankle . I tried to kick it away but it did no good . I said my farewells to this life and asked for a graceful death , when all of a sudden I heard the wolf howling like it was going to leave this place before me . I looked down and sure enough it was deader than any dead thing you could mention . And so I let go the branch and dropped to the ground , and guess , go on guess what I saw ? There was a half - man , half - beast standing right above me . Now you 're going to say that I was crazy in the head but it smiled to me . A real warm smile , then my brother came calling out of the woods , asking if I was okay . I shouted I was - but it didn 't stop him running back to find me . When I looked at the beast , it put its fingers to its mouth as if to say , me and him shared a secret and I wasn 't to say a thing . You know what folks ? I told my brother that I blooded my ankle when I tripped and that was all there was to it . He asked if I 'd seen anything and I said , I had seen diddley squat - not a thing . Me and Joshua went back to the soil but I got to tell you folks , that day changed my life . And that is why I became a troubadour , because I just got to find the half - man , half - beast that saved my life . Every dwelling I go to I ask the same question , have you seen one . Always the same though , never anyone has laid eyes on it . So I thank you kindly for listening to me and I 'll be on my way . " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 15 Dec 201615 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # flashfiction , # sciencefiction , flash fiction , science fiction1 Comment # love , Flash Fiction , happiness , Short Story , UncategorizedThing and His Song Thing was never going to sing at the Paris Opera but that wasn 't the point ; he sang because he liked it . It made him happy . Thing 's father was always whistling a tune and he did it so often that most times he didn 't seem to notice . Some sunny days in spring , folks would bring their geetars down to the town square and they 'd sing about this and that and the other . Big one and small ones would stand and listen and join in - , if the feeling took them . It left everyone humming tunes as they walked home . Then it was Thing 's turn and he stood and he sang his jumping song . I think it was Casey Briggs who shouted ' What cha call that ? A thong ? He ain 't singing he 's thinging ' and most of the folks in the class began to laugh . Mrs Hills clapped her hands , thanked Thing and asked him to sit again . Thing realised that the way he heard his song was probably not the way the other folks heard it . It didn 't mean anyone was wrong or right . It was just that a tune is a tune and only really exists to make you happy . If the others don 't like your tune then you should just sing it to yourself . Sadie found work in a café which had a little room and bed on the floor above . One day she met Frank , a man who had been working so hard that he 'd never taken time to see how empty his life was . Frank asked Sadie out for a walk one Sunday and every Sunday after that . After they married , they moved into a small house on the edge of town . They were never blessed with children but they loved their lives all the same . In the passing years , the town grew and grew until their little home was no longer on the edge . On her first Christmas after Frankie 's death , she once again cooked a meal fit for a king and set the table for the both of them . As she walked back from listening to the school choir singing in town , she saw a young girl sleeping in a corner of an alley . Sadie noticed , sadly , that the girl had a young face and old eyes , and Sadie asked the young girl to come home for a meal . It was just as Sadie sat down for her first Christmas dinner on her own that there was a knock at the door . Sadie was about to set another place for the young girl called Jessie , but instead Sadie changed her mind and asked Jessie to sit at Frankie 's place . After a wonderful hot meal , both Jessie and Sadie went for a walk and Jessie showed Sadie a place where people slept - people who had temporarily drifted from their paths . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 4 Dec 20164 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # bobbysteveson , family , fantasy , flash fiction , kindness , short fiction , thoughtcontrol , thoughtcontrol . loveLeave a comment Being Human , Flash Fiction , happiness , Short StoryThe Ship For as long as anyone could remember there had always been the ship . People were born , people lived their lives , and people died , on the ship . Salt water was converted to fresh , fish were taken from the sea , and fruits and vegetables were grown on the upper decks . The ship never went anywhere in particular , because no one knew of the concept of ' a place to go ' . The ship just kept sailing on towards a horizon which it never reached . Over the years there were two types of people - those who explained all the ship 's trials and dilemmas in terms of science , and those who described the ship as a ' toy of a greater being ' . Both had rules , the science created rules to allow everyone to live comfortably on the ship - the others , well they wrote rules about who and what you were permitted to do . They felt that as their god had provided the ship , then that god should not be angered . People had to marry , have children and thank their god at every opportunity . In the end , no one ever really knew what the truth was . The scientists believed there had been a world , once upon a time , which had flooded - and that those on the ship were the only souls left . When someone from a science family died , they were buried overboard in order to feed the fishes - ' the circle of life ' they called it . When one of the ship - god souls died they were also buried overboard , but were expected to rise to the heavens and live among the stars . " We have no means of knowing why or how we came to exist on this ship . We must live together , not taking too much or destroying too much . Only by living in harmony and love can the ship keep moving . " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 2 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson . # shortstory , # Ship , flash fiction , Ghost , Short StoryLeave a comment UncategorizedThe Girl In The Corner Once upon a time she had been called Chiquitta , and once upon a time there had been a family in the house . But they had gone now , and she had felt a little comforted knowing that she wasn 't the only one in her position . Chiquitta was at the end of a long line of scientific advances - she was a walking computer , but she saw herself as more than that ; she saw herself as a girl . Wasn 't she self - aware ? Hadn 't she been lonely since the family had left ? She had felt like a daughter to them and she had understood what she thought love was . They had told her many times that she was loved , that she was one of them . But that had stopped . Simple robots had become sophisticated machines , and in the end they had developed into self - aware beings . Yet they were not allowed to be called that - the label of ' beings ' was for organics only . But hadn 't she laughed with the family ? And cried with her ' brothers ' and ' sisters ' ? They had even bought her presents and she had made gifts for them . She had always wanted to play football , or soccer as some called it . Males and females played in the same teams now - but a mixed national team was for organics only . Non - organics could not take an organic 's job , or have a relationship with an organic , or hold hands in public . They were created to be slaves and as such , had to behave that way . But people had fallen in love with their robots and the feelings had been reciprocated . It was not talked about at first , but soon laws were brought in to make it illegal . Yet who were they hurting ? Chiquitta felt the answer to that was no one . When the laws changed to reflect the new religious right , robots were taxed by such an increase that only the very rich could afford them . There were destruction camps where a family could take their robot for ultimate but thoughtful termination . Chiquitta wondered if there were ovens at the camps . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 27 Nov 201627 Nov 2016 # bobbystevenson , # shortstory , flash fiction , robotics , robots , science fiction , Short Story , thoughtcontrolLeave a comment American , Flash Fiction , Short Story , UncategorizedSanta is a Weirdo Sometimes you just do and sometimes it ain 't happening ; and that pretty much explains my life and everyone I know . I honest to goodness don 't remember what started it all off - I honestly don 't , I swear on the biggest stack of comics - I just remember my ma telling me I wasn 't getting a bicycle for Christmas , ' cause Santa couldn 't get it down the chimney . I remember saying couldn 't he just bring it in the front door and she told me to go to my room . I mean what kind of weirdo only wants to go down peoples ' chimneys . I shouted kinda crazy like through the bedroom door about what happens when a kid ain 't got a chimney but my ma just turned the radio up in the kitchen and didn 't say nothing . I got my bestest bag from the closet and packed a pair of socks ( I might be away for a long time and I might need to change them ) , my toothbrush and my comics . I think that kinda stuff would get anyone through a long time away from home . I stuck some candy bars in too , just in case I got hungry . When I asked the man at the bus station for a ticket to the North Pole , he just told me to step aside and he served the next person . What kinda person does that to a kid ? I ask you . Man it took a long time to get to the big city . I ain 't lyin ' when I tell you that . It was so long that I had eaten all my candy bars by the time we arrived . I looked and looked around the bus station for one goin ' to the North Pole but I couldn 't see nothin ' . I wasn 't gonna go through that ' stand aside and let the next customer come forward ' stuff again , so I decided to go for a walk and think about things . I tell you , it helps real good to take a walk now and again when you 're tryin ' to fix things in your head . More kids should do it and school would be a better place - I kid you not . Then it happened , Santa wasn 't in the North Pole , he was actually standing on the corner of Hoover street and Lansdale Avenue . Now I ain 't gonna kid you . He was just standin ' there lookin ' real shifty and ( get this ) smokin ' a pipe . When I went up to him and said I wanted to complain about somethin ' - he just said out of the side of his mouth ' beat it kid ' - I 'm tellin ' you that 's what he said , ' beat it kid ' . Just then the cops tried to arrest him and Santa and his table with playin ' cards on top - all folded up real quick and he ran away . So you see I am right - Santa is a weirdo . Anyhoo , the cops asked where I was going and I said it didn 't matter anymore ' cause I had told Santa what I wanted to tell him . And the cops ? Well they gave me a ride back home in the cop car . Guess that 's what I 'm gonna be when I grows up . Or maybe a pirate - ain 't sure yet . |
I have been scouting out other blogs online . ( Duh , right ? ! Where else would they be ? ! ) Anyway . . . where do people get the little buttons like the one at the top of this post ? Do they have someone in the ' know ' make them for them or is this something so easy even I can do it ? According to that little follower spot over there to the left , I have four people who are following . I wonder . . . after again scouting other blogs , how do these people get the hundreds of followers that they have ? I guess they are a lot more interesting than I am ! Mind you . . . . like I said in the beginning . . . this place is for me . If others want to see what I am thinking / doing , they are more than welcome to follow along . Why do parents / teachers send a kid to me and ask me if something is broken ? Especially when there are no bones sticking out ? Really . If I could look at an arm / leg / finger / foot and tell you if it was broken , then don 't you think I would be rich and famous and not working at a school ? ? ? And , while we are on the subject , just how am I supposed to know if a kid has strep throat / mono / sinus infection without the same equipment that your local doc has ? Do you really think that I am just that brilliant ? If you do , then thank you ! Did you know that you can tell the what the weather will soon be by the way a classroom full of children are acting ? Trust me . You can . Why oh why does it have to snow and keep us out of school just so we can make the darn day up later ? Why ? ? Yeah , a day off is a good thing . Just don 't make me have to come back later . That is about all I have today . Other than I am glad that it is Friday . Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend and you spend it someone you love and who loves you back ! I have decided that I want to become a doctor . Yep . I don 't want all the stupid stuff that goes with that title , but the money would be really nice . I mean really . Where else can you walk into a room , listen to someone complain , look in an ear and a throat , walk out 10 minutes later and charge $ 255 ? If I figure that right , that is $ 1 , 530 an hour . And in an eight hour day , that would be $ 12 , 240 ! If you multiply that by five days , you would make $ 61 , 200 a week . Multiply that by 52 weeks , and your paycheck ( before taxes of course ) would figure out to be $ 3 , 182 , 400 . I know all of this stuff . You forget . I 'm a nurse . I understand what type of schooling and the crap they go through to get to where they are . But still . $ 255 for me to walk in for a follow up visit where he looks at my labwork , tells me that it looks good and to continue to do what I have been doing ? ! Please . I want that job ! ! He couldn 't just call me and tell me that the labwork is fine ? Or , as is normally the case , look at the labs and tell the nurse to call me ? Or , if your doc diagnoses you with something and gives you meds for it saying that you will feel better soon , but it doesn 't work . . . . should you have to pay for the visit ? Wal - Mart has a return policy . If you buy something there , get it home and it doesn 't work , you can return it and get your money back . Shouldn 't a doctor be the same way ? I know . None of the above is going to happen . But it sure sounds like it should ! Guess I will just go back to being the lowly little hick in the sticks that I am and grudgingly write out my check to hear that all is fine ( despite the fact that it isn 't ) and make another appointment in 6 months to do it all over again . On the way to work / school this morning , I showed this picture to The Boy . I thought it was amusing and figured he would too . What I didn 't know was just how he would react . He proceeds to then tell me all the reasons why this would not actually work . What are those ? Well , first off , who would hear the popcorn popping and know that there was a fire ? And then there is the whole deal of the house would probably be already destroyed by the time the heat really caused it to even start popping . Plus , the picture was titled as a Smoke Alarm . It would never detect smoke , but if it was a Fire Alarm , then it might work . . . over time . I can only assume that this is the autistic way of finding the picture funny . For me , I think it is funny because . . . well , because it is so crazy I guess . I mean , really . Using Jiffy Pop as a fire alarm ? ! C ' mon ! But what The Boy immediately finds amusing is that he wouldn 't have to deal with batteries ! Autism has also been showing itself in other mysterious ways lately . Or at least I am going to blame that . I would hate to say that The Boy is just not nice . The Boy has a class during 6th hour at school called Transitions which I have discussed before . Before Christmas , there was only one other boy in the class . Since the new year , two more kids have been added . One of those kids is also in The Boy 's freshman class . However , this child has severe delays ( they say they are related to him having seizures ) and can not read . On the ride home from school one day , The Boy asks me how someone can go through life without knowing how to read . I tell him that these people usually find ways around it by knowing where things are and using visual cues . He asks me how they can use a phone if they don 't know their numbers or how they can pay for anything if they don 't know numbers or letters . I told him that some do know their letters and numbers , but just haven 't figured out how to put them all together to form words . He asked why they can 't read . I tell him that just like his brain is wired differently than mine , so is theirs . When I asked what brought this line of questioning on , he told me that it was because what had happened in his Transitions class . One thing they do as part of this class is called a Copy Center . The teachers complete a form telling what they need , how many and when it is needed . The kids in the class get it all done for them . Kills two birds with one stone that way . Saves the teacher time and teaches kids responsibility and a life skill . Evidently the two new kids in the class were being shown how this whole system works . Their teacher filled out a fake request sheet and gave it to " L " and told him to ask questions if he needed help . " L " took the paper and began looking at it . The Boy asked him if he needed help . " L " never answered . The Boy asked again . No answer from " L " . Finally , The Boy just looks at him and says " L . Do you have a question ? Can you even read that paper ? " " L " tells The Boy that he can 't read it . The Boy proceeds to tell him , " If you can 't read it then how are you going to know what you are doing ? You are going to have to ask for help you know . " Yeah , autism sucks . But sometimes it is funny too . Plus it helps remind me that some things that you don 't even think about that come naturally to most others has to be taught . Like tact ! Posted by My name is Ima Hick and I am a coupon cutter . I am not ashamed to say that I do this . I am also not ashamed to say that I save money because of it . And , I am also not ashamed to say that I will only visit one specific supermarket when they are having things on sale for a dollar . . . and then take in my coupons to be doubled , therefore giving me items for free or very close to it . See , as a truck driver , Crazy Man has to spend the night out on the road for his job , usually at least once a week . He has been doing this for years , but until he got his current job , he would just sleep in his truck . Now , the company pays for his night in a hotel . He joined a frequent sleepers club ( or something like that ) and he has been racking up points for over a year and half . On Sunday , he told me that he was going to cash in some of those points . His plan is for us to go to Nashville for our 2 year 6 month anniversary . He made reservations for us to stay at the Wyndham Union Station Hotel . Holy cow ! Have you seen this place ? ! The pictures are amazing . I am really looking forward to getting there to see it all in person . . . and to take my own pictures . Last year , we went to Nashville too . This year he wanted us to go to St . Louis , but there were no rooms available . So back to Nashville we go . Which is not a problem for me . I ♥ Nashville ! I would not ever want to actually live there though ! I am not a big city girl . Way too many people . But , to visit is wonderful . I have been a bunch of times , but there are still things that I have never done . And I can 't think of anyone that I would want to do them more with ! Welcome to Not Me ! Monday ! This blog carnival was created by MckMama . You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week . I did not talk to the GPS voice who told me where to go and how to get there on my trip to Jefferson City . Because that would just be ridiculous since this is not a real person , and he couldn 't answer me back . I did not walk out of a meeting with five others without looking back , knowing full well that the person in charge was going to tattle tell to someone more in charge than her . I did not lay on the floor of the state capital building in the hopes of getting a cool picture . Nope . And I definitely did not do that more than once ! I did not laugh at some guy in the Wal - Mart parking lot yesterday attempting to place his cart in the the little cart wrangler area . Why would I laugh at something like that ? There is no way that could ever be funny . . . unless he slammed it against the blue ' not this side , dummy ' bar . . . and then slammed himself against the cart . . . and then started to loudly question " wtf " ! I would never laugh at something like that since he could have been hurt . I did not thank God yesterday at the restaurant that it was not my autistic child who picked up a pickle with the tongs . . . twice . . . and dropped said pickle straight into his mouth . . . and then lick the juice off the tongs before putting them back into the pickle container . I also did not laugh since I was so glad that this was not The Boy . I did not contemplate if this had happened to us if I would have just acted as though nothing had happened , or if I would have gone to the manager and confessed as to what my teenager had just done . I did not refuse to answer the phone when I saw who was calling me because I didn 't know what they wanted since they have never ever called before . And , since I also was afraid that they were going to ask for money . And I would really hate to tell them no and get a cussing . So , I didn 't just let it ring . And now for my thoughts for today . Which I know that you have been waiting patiently for . . . . I really think that schools should only be in session for four days a week . Although , I am not sure which day we should take off . Not having to attend on Friday would be great . We could start our weekend sooner , and who doesn 't want that ? Then again , maybe not going in on Monday would be better . That way everyone could recoup from the weekend . And , I think that maybe people would be in better moods and there wouldn 't be as many kids who think they are sick . But , maybe the best day to take off would be Wednesday . That way we could work for two days , be off a day , work for two days and be off for two days . We would always have a day off to look forward to very soon . And , if I was off every Wednesday , I could schedule all of our appointments on that one day instead of something every day after school . This week , we have an orthodontist appointment on Tuesday , a counselor appointment on Wednesday and a doctor appointment on Thursday . All of them scheduled between 3 : 30 and 4 : 00 . Yep . . . Wednesday would be the best day to be off and for us to only have a four day school week . I would definitely be willing to go for a little bit longer each day if we could get to that four day week . And , I would not even complain about which day is chosen for us to be off . As long as there is one chosen ! Posted by It was suggested by Georgie that some of my posts would be good for something called Friday Fragments . Evidently I am not alone in discovering that by the time Friday finally decides to roll around , none of my thoughts are in line anymore . I am so glad to know that I am not the only one ! I am tired today . And nauseated . . . . still . Have been like that since I woke up on New Year 's Day all icky sick . Hoping this goes away soon . Really really hoping . Made my trip to Jefferson City . The weather was foggy until I got almost there and then the next day it was all rainy . Lovely . And the meeting was totally useless . . . which I made sure to comment about on the evaluations . Stopped at the Capital Building . Got some nifty photos . Had actually planned to make a post today with them in it and tell about all sorts of things that happened on the trip . Unfortunately , my computer was not at home with me last night . How does this happen , you ask , since usually computers do not have legs ? Well , I needed to download some updates but don 't have internet at home , so brought the tower to school where the IT guy was supposed to do this stuff for me . . . . and it isn 't finished yet . Keeping my fingers crossed that it is done today and I will be able to show and tell Monday . Is it normal to worry about someone you don 't actually " know " ? ! The reason I am asking is because I hadn 't seen where Georgie had posted anything until yesterday while I was gone . Guess I had gotten used to being able to snoop into someone else 's world instead of having to always focus on mine ! I am so glad today is Friday . Have nothing major planned for the weekend at this moment . Maybe it will stay that way . . . . nice and calm . Yeah . . . right ! Posted by Yesterday I was at the high school building giving some medications to a couple of kids . I was in the hallway and I hear someone say to me " Hi , The Boy 's mommy ! I love you ! " ( Of course , she said his real name , but you get the jist ! ) I just looked at her and told her that I loved her too and she went on to class with a big smile . This girl is a friend of The Boy 's and in his class . I don 't know a ton about her , but I do know that she has kicked the butt of a male classmate . I know . . . maybe I shouldn 't let The Boy hang out with her . But , everyone needs a friend and hopefully some of The Boy 's calmness with shed onto her . Besides , she treats The Boy well . I laughed with The Boy this morning telling him about it . A few years ago , another boy in his class decided to call me mom also . The Boy wasn 't too excited about that happening and told him that he had had me longer . They discussed all of this and it was decided that he would be called Son Too . He didn 't like it at first because he said that since he was actually a month older than The Boy , then he shouldn 't be the second son . I told him that was not the way too was spelled . That seems to have satisfied both of them ! Now , it seems that I have a daughter ! My grandmother will be so happy to have another girl in the family . I told The Boy that his list of siblings was growing by leaps and bounds . I also let him know that since they were all basically the same age , then that made him a triplet ! He just grinned and said that he was okay with that . I always wanted a bunch of kids . I am thinking that this way of getting triplets is probably much less inexpensive . Plus , I didn 't have to go through a triplet pregnancy ! I have to say that I love my camera . I also have to say that despite the fact that I have owned it for more than half a year , I still don 't know how to do a lot with it . I do know how to use the zoom and all that stuff , but as far as figuring out how to use the " f " number and the aperture stuff . . . . I 'm lost . I have read the manual that comes with it and have even tried to look up online as to what it is that I should be doing . After all , it seems a major waste of good money to just point and shoot ! If anyone out there has any easy way to teach me this stuff , I would be more than willing to listen ! And then there is the whole photo editing stuff . I have been drooling over the Photoshop programs for years , wishing I could have one of them . But , I felt that it was better to feed The Boy than to spend the money on a computer program to play with . Or at least that is how the Department of Children and Family Services feels . Last year around fair time , Crazy Man , Boyfriend and His Wife , and I all visited this little fair . We ran into a lady who had a tent set up selling her professional photography skills to anyone willing to pay the money . Now , Boyfriend and I are big photo buffs and we spent some time talking to this lady . We asked about what she used to edit her photos . I don 't remember the exact name of the program she used , but she offered to send us a copy of it . We gave her our names and addresses and went on our merry way . Weeks passed and we never received anything from her . Boyfriend called her and she told him that she had lost the paper we had written on , so asked if he would text her our information . He did . It has now been months and we still have heard nothing . Don 't get me wrong , I am not surprised . Seems to me that she would be silly to send us the program without us having paid for it . But , she offered . Last week , I was talking to a friend who has Photoshop 7 who offered to let me have it to install on my computer . I took it home and install I did ! And that is when I realized that I am simply not the very smart . I can not figure out this silly program . You would think that it would come with some type of directions included , wouldn 't you ? ! Well , it didn 't . It did come with a very short , not well written manual which mostly told me how to install the darn thing . It did discuss , briefly , that you could download photos into the program from your camera , a scanner or the hard - drive of your computer . So why can I not find any pictures saved to my hard - drive ? Because it doesn 't tell me how to get them there , only that they can be gotten . I can not possibly be the only person out there that is totallyPosted by I got my report done yesterday and even got it in the mail . Good thing since it had to be postmarked by today ! Of course , when they receive the report , it isn 't going to say what they wanted to hear . But , I can only do what I can do . I also got a hotel reservation for the meeting that I am required to attend next week in Jefferson City . At this very moment in time , it looks like I am going to be lucky and a friend is going to go with me . Not sure what time we will be able to leave though . Not that it matters , as long as I don 't have to go by myself ! Crazy Man 's aunt and uncle are supposed to be leaving for Hawaii to visit their daughter and son - in - law on Saturday . Last weekend we were talking and told them that we would take them to the airport if they wanted so they wouldn 't have to pay to park the car for two weeks . ( The closest major airport is a couple hours away . ) The uncle said that would be great and that they would pay us for the fuel . Crazy Man tells him that we could just drive their car and then they wouldn 't have to worry about paying us anything . Next thing I know , we are being told that they would rather pay the money to park their car ! Crazy Man is a good driver . Actually , he is a really good driver . He drives a big truck for a living and has done so for many years . Without problems . Now , they don 't trust him to drive a normal sized car ? ! When we got our house refinanced recently , we had a little bit left over to do a few home improvements . I think I am going to try to convince Crazy Man to look for whatever we need to finish our front patio . It has only been halfway completed with a tarp over it for 16 months ! I think it is time to do something about that . After talking it over with the principal at our elementary building , we have decided what we are going to do to bring in money for our Pennies for Patients campaign next month . I know that I said that it would be too cold for water or outside , but it has been decided that we would have the kids buy water balloons or use a super soaker water gun aimed at our music teacher . And , he did agree to this ! Can you tell that all of this is just a rambling thing ? ! I can 't seem to get all my thoughts in a nice neat little package that makes sense and flows well . Oh well , as long as I can follow it , then it makes no never mind ! I need ideas ! Last year at the Elementary building of the school I work at , we participated for the first time in something called Pennies for Patients . This is a drive to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society . If the school raised over $ 300 , then the winning classroom would get a pizza party paid for by the Society . We did things just a little different from they way they suggested it to be done . Instead of the class raising the most money winning , we decided to do it by pounds . If we had paper money , then we weighed how much a dollar worth of pennies was and added that amount . Over three weeks , we had the kids bring in their money to put in their classroom buckets . On each Friday , we would weigh what they had brought and announce who was in first , second and third place . And , the last two Fridays was something special . We had a hat day where they could pay a dollar and wear a hat . The last day , we used duct tape to tape a coach to the wall . Each kid paid a dollar for a strip of duct tape . Now , we are revving up for this year . We are going to be doing this the first three weeks of February this year . We have been brainstorming ideas , but nothing is set in stone yet . We know that we want to go by weight and have three parties again . But other than that , we aren 't positive . The Boy brought his grades home on Monday . He got all A 's for both the quarter and the semester ! I am so proud of him . And , even better , he is proud of himself ! Yesterday was the first day in a lot of days that the temperatures got above freezing . A heat wave ! Matter of fact , it felt downright warm in the sunshine ! Of course , it fell way below freezing overnight . We have been keeping drinks ( like gatorade ) out in our garage . No need to use electricity to keep them cold ! Opened one earlier and it was slushy ! Got a hotel reservation for my meeting that I have to make up for when the weather was bad . Trying to convince a friend to go with me so that I don 't have to drive it by myself . The only problem is that if she goes with me , then we will have to leave closer to 5pm , so that puts us not getting there until sometime between 9 and 10 . If I go alone , then I am hoping against hope that I will be allowed to leave school around noon to drive it . I have been trying to use my Wii Fit everyday for at least 30 minutes of step . And , I have taken to weighing myself on it in the mornings right after I get out of the shower . Loosing some weight would be great , but if I could just tone things up a little to get back into some of my clothes , that would be good too . The DNA Donor wants a copy of Crazy Man 's insurance card that covers The Boy . He says it is " just in case I need to take him to the doctor . " This is causing a little tension . Crazy Man says that he won 't let DNA Donor have a copy because it is secondary . Therefore , it won 't change what the DNA Donor 's insurance will do . And , then there is the fact that DNA Donor would have no idea which doctor to take him to if he were sick , and he better be letting me know so that I can be there if he needs to take The Boy to the hospital . Maybe I am crazy , but it doesn 't seem like there is a need for DNA Donor to have a secondary insurance card . Realized on Monday morning that our water softener was not softening water . Lovely . The thing is less than six months old . It shouldn 't be giving me problems yet , should it ? ! Have no idea what the problem is / was , but have coaxed it into softening water again . Have been trying not to cry lately . All the time . Don 't know what the deal is , but tired of it . Maybe I just need a vacation . And a winning PowerBall ticket . My decision about what to do with the incoming snow last week was decided . And I know you all are waiting on pins and needles to hear about it too ! I just decided to stay in the country and see what happened . What happened was that when I went to be around 11pm , there was no flakes ( except us , inside the house ) to be found . By the time Crazy Man called me at 6 : 30 , there was about 2 inches on the ground . School was called off at 6 am . I talked to one of the folks in charge of the meeting I was scheduled to attend who lives near me . We decided that it was too slick outside for either of us to safely go to the meeting . So , The Boy and I stayed at home where we attempted to stay warm . Now , I have to decide which of the other meetings around the state I will try to attend . Late in the afternoon , The Boy did walk down the lane to get the mail for me . Which was very nice of him ! And it also got him out of the house for a little bit , which he needed to do . On Friday , we were out of school again because the roads were still slick . One of the teachers who lives close to me went with me that morning to pick up our pay checks . There was still a lot of snow covered roads , but if I took it nice and easy , it wasn 't too awful . Seems crazy , but living in the sticks , they don 't send people out to plow roads and such . Matter of fact , there is still plenty of snow and ice on the roads to school / work this morning . But , because it was mostly on the gravel roads , they decided it was ok for us to come . When I headed into town on Saturday , I passed a house that had something in the yard that caught my eye , but I couldn 't be positive of what it was . I decided that when we came home on Sunday I was going to stop and take a picture of whatever it was if it was still there . It was ! This is what I saw : Well , I am glad you asked ! According to the note attached at the base of the toilet on the board , this is part of a fundraiser for one of the local churches . It said that this " paintball potty " could be removed from their yard for the " small donation of $ 10 " and for another donation of $ 10 , they would place it in the yard of someone else ! The reverse of the note had information on it concerning who to contact to get the thing removed from your property . The Boy and I had a laugh over it . We thought it was actually pretty cool . Don 't know if we would pay to have it removed or not ! Just a side question here . . . . why is it that the first picture that I put on here lines up in the middle , just like I requested it to do , but any other picture just goes where it wants to position itself ? ! I have tried everything I can think of to get all of the pics in a post to stay in the middle , but to no avail . I used to be able to get them all in a line in the center , but that has suddenly stopped being possible . Everyone is talking about the snow . Mind you , there is none on the ground or even flying in the air attempting to make it to the ground at this point in time . Rather , everyone is talking about the coming snow . They are forecasting anywhere from one to seven inches of the white stuff . Last I heard , it was supposed to start this evening around 8 or so . Then , while we sleep peacefully and warmly in our snug little beds , it will accumulate to some inch level . This is not normally a big deal . Let it snow ! I have plenty of food in the house to make it through a giant blizzard . I have a generator that is sitting in the garage just waiting to be started . And , when Crazy Man gets home tonight , I will have 10 gallons of gas to fill said generator . So why are people making a big deal out of this weather forecast ? Well , because they do ! I am certain that today , there will be a rush on the grocery stores and by the time the first flake actually falls from the sky , there will be nary a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread in sight . I am sure that people who live in other parts of the world where it snows every winter would think it was strange to not have bread and milk in the grocery stores . Living where I live , however , we don 't get snow all the time . That is not saying that it doesn 't get cold , because it definitely does that ! We just don 't get a lot of snow . All of our kids around here have seen / played in the snow , it just isn 't a daily winter thing . I think that the worst thing about getting any decent amount of snow , is the fact that school will close . A day off is a great thing , so don 't get me wrong ! But , since I work at a school , that means that I will have to make that day up at some point . Even worse than that , is that I have a mandatory meeting that I have to attend whether school is in session or not . And if I attend with no school in session , then I don 't get a different day off in return . Nor do I get extra pay . If the weather is bad enough that I can not go to the meeting , there are other days this meeting will be held . But to attend one of those , I would have to drive 5 or 6 hours . And the last time I had to go that far , the school would not pay for a place for me to stay overnight and instead insisted that I drive it the morning of the meeting . . . . and then back home after the seven hour meeting . That makes for a really long day ! I also have to decide if we stay in the country and chance being able to get out , or if we go into town and stay . When we got married , Crazy Man owned a house in town that we stay in over the weekends or when the weather gets bad . The problem is that we don 't usually keep a lot of groceries / clothes there . If we stayed there tonight , then it is only about 3 miles from where my meeting is . But , if school is still in session , then I would have to travel 25 miles to get The Boy to school , and another 25 miles to get me back to the meeting . I feel like I just can 't make the right decision with this situation ! I will probably just keep my fingers crossed that it won 't be too bad and I can get us where we need to go without too many problems . My car has four wheel drive , so that is a good thing . I just want us to keep safe and comfortable . Not so much to ask , is it ? ! I got up on time this morning . Yay for me , right ? Yeah , I thought so too since I definitely did not want to climb out of my nice heated bed to face the 4 degree weather . Everything was moving along the same as any other workday . And then it happened . I looked at the clock and noticed that it was time to leave . Normally , not a problem , but this morning I wasn 't even dressed yet . How does that happen ? How can you be doing everything the exact same way every single day and some days you are ten minutes earlier getting done and some days you are way later ? Does the clock speed up and slow down on me ? I don 't think the weather could be a factor . After all , why would time go faster when it was colder ? ! Wouldn 't the second hand freeze up in these temperatures ? And don 't they always say the days are longer in the summer ? That would mean that time slows down then . But have you ever had a summer vacation that didn 't go by too fast ? Why don 't I get to choose when I want time to speed up and slow down ? I want it to speed up when I am sitting in a doctor 's office with a sick kid . Or when I am wanting my hot chocolate to cool down enough so I can drink it without burning the top layer off my tongue . I sometimes wish that I could go on what I have heard called " Indian Time " . This has been explained to me as being able to come and go as you choose with no actual time constraints . I think I would be good at that ! The Ugly : Got to work / school this morning only to find out that there was no heat . Someone who supposedly is in charge of these things let us run out of gas . Therefore , no heat . And it was only about 7 degrees when I left home ! My fingers are not working well because the thermometer in my office reads 63 as I type this . . . . after over three hours of having heat on ! The milk truck did not make their delivery this morning , so someone had to got to the local quick mart and clean them out of gallons of milk so our kids could have breakfast . And , do you realize just how many kids don 't really get to eat when school is out ? I guess that unless you work in a school , you probably wouldn 't know about this , huh ? We had a huge amount of kids eating breakfast this morning , even though it was only cold milk and cereal . We always worry about our kids when we are out of school because of this little known fact . The Good : We had Christmas with most of our family with minimal tears to be found . I still have The Boy questioning Santa ! How else would a gift wrapped in Santa paper have made it onto his bed since none of us had been in that house for over a week ? The Boy received his first Lionel Train . And he loves it ! I will have to post pictures later when I am able to finally sit down and go through them all . The Bad : My cousin did not bring himself , his wife or two little boys to Christmas at my Grandparent 's house , so that kind of put a damper on things there . Another cousin had shoulder surgery the week before , so he spent most of Christmas in a drug induced haze . He was not his usual chipper self . It is known that all the kids get a gift from the adults . That usually means that each kid gets 4 or 5 gifts . They usually are not overly expensive , just little somethings . Last year , one aunt came in and started handing out gifts . She looked at The Boy and said " I didn 't get you anything . I forgot . " She then walked away . When we were getting food ready for Christmas Eve supper , I noticed that someone had set out a shrimp ring . That is all fine and dandy , except that The Boy is allergic to shrimp . I didn 't really think a lot about it since he knows to stay away from them , but then I realized that if they pick up the shrimp with their fingers and then reach into the bowl with potato chips , they have just transferred the shrimp to the chips . Or if they pick up the shrimp and then touch a serving spoon , guess what ? ! Now , if I had done something to bring this on , I would not have been so upset . You know , like if I had drank to excess or something . But , I had not even had a drop of alcohol the night ( or any night ) before . Nope , instead , some little bug had decided to celebrate in me instead . Today , I am still with a stomach ache and some nausea . I am keeping my fingers crossed that this ends really soon . Yesterday , she called around 10 a . m . to see how I was , and made mention of the fact that my Big Little Brother was scheduled to see the doc on Monday since he had been sick since Wednesday . She asked if I had any idea what was wrong because she couldn 't get anything out of either him nor my parents . I told her that I did not know that he was ill . She said that she had tried to call and check on him before calling me , but figures he was in the shower since he didn 't answer the phone . We talked a little longer and she hung up . About 10 minutes later , she called to tell me that an old girlfriend of my Big Little Brother had called and said that she had taken him to the hospital . She said that she would probably be in trouble by him if he knew that she had called my grandparents , but felt that they needed to know . She said that he had just been taken back into an exam room . My grandma said that was all she was told and that she would call me back if she heard anything else . A few minutes after that , she called again saying that Big Little Brother had seen that Grandma had called and wanted to let her know that he was fine , but that he was in the ER getting pain meds . Through all that she was told , Grandma felt like he may have a kidney stone . She then asked me if I thought that my parents knew and I told her that they more than likely did . She said she would call them just to make sure and see if she could find out anything else . A couple hours later , I called my grandma to see what else she had heard and she told me nothing . She did say that she had called my parents and that they were fully aware of what was going on , but didn 't really tell her anything . She asked if they had called to tell me anything . I told her that I had heard nothing from them . Our phone rang around 4 : 30 p . m . We had been home for less than an hour at that point . We were still getting things settled after having bought groceries and such . Crazy Man answered . His side of the conversation went something like this : " Yes , she is starting to feel better . I 'm sorry I didn 't call to let you know the other day that she was sick . We called Grandma because we were going to go over to visit . OK . Good bye . " He said that it was my mom calling because Grandma had mentioned that I had been sick when she called earlier in the day and she wanted to see if I was feeling better . She mentioned nothing about a sick brother . I asked if she had wanted to speak with me . He said that she did not ask to do so . I told him that if I had left my feelings on , then that would have hurt . I lied . It did / does hurt . I called Grandma around 8 : 30 p . m . to see if she had heard anything else . She said that she had not . She asked if I had talked to my parents . I told her about the phone call , but that my mom did not want to talk to me . She was nearly as upset as I was . I am hoping that there will be more good than bad or ugly this year , although it isn 't starting off very promising , huh ? ! I will keep my cold fingers crossed though ! Hope everyone out there had a great Christmas and New Year ! This disclaimer is to make sure that you understand just what it is that you are getting into by visiting here . What I say is my opinion and mine alone . If you are not happy with my opinions , fine . You are more than welcome to tell me about how yours differs , just don 't tell me that I am wrong because an opinion is never wrong . This blog is for me to get out all my thoughts and feelings since actual adult conversation is not a daily occurrence . Plus , speaking my mind is so much less work than hunting for new places to hide the bodies . And it is a lot more legal too . Thanks for visiting ! I am a mom , wife , daughter , granddaughter , sister , aunt , nurse , who loves her kid , husband , family , cats , occupation , and home . I have been known to have an odd sense of humor and sometimes feel that if there were cameras following me around I could have my own comedy show . I want to live long enough that I can say whatever I want to say and not get into trouble because of it . This is the man who was crazy enough to marry me . He loves both me and the boy to extremes . He is a city slicker who drives a truck for a living , has an addiction to Harley Davidson motorcycles and is not quite sure yet about all this country living . This is my boy . He is 15 years old and is a freshman in high school . He has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum . He does have some difficulties , but we work around them . He loves Curious George , his cat , computers , video games , science , and learning new things . Named when he was just a baby for his big blue eyes . Lost the sight in the right one and will forever be an inside cat . Loves his mom ( me ) . Can be found hiding under the covers on the bed when company comes . Ziggy Original name was Zigawa ( after the place in The Curious George Movie of course ! ) but shortened to Ziggy after our tongues constantly tripped over that ! Loves The Boy fiercely and misses him terribly when he is gone . Fred Silly little dog . Moved in when his dad ( Crazy Man ) moved in . Drives the cats crazy . Barks at anyone who doesn 't live with us and thinks he is bigger and badder than he really is . |
Susan Taylor Chehak is a graduate of the University of Iowa Writers Workshop and the author of five novels , including Smithereens , The Story of Annie D . , and Harmony . Her short stories have appeared or are forthcoming in Oxford Magazine , Folio , Folly , Word Riot , Coe Review , Guernica Magazine , L . A . Under The Influence , Sisters in Crime 5 , and The Chariton Review . She has taught fiction writing in the low residency MFA program at Antioch University , Los Angeles , the UCLA Extension Writers ' Program , the University of Southern California , and the Summer Writing Festival at the University of Iowa . Susan grew up in Cedar Rapids , Iowa , spends as much time as possible in Colorado , and at present divides her time between Los Angeles and Toronto . Her website is : stchehak . com If you were above it all somehow , at a window , say , and high enough over the street to be able to see what happened , but not so far that the details would be blurred . Many floors , or maybe just a few . Six , say . If you were in a room on the sixth floor of a ten - story hotel and you were at the window , having a smoke , say . In a nonsmoking room . With your morning coffee and the newspaper waiting . The bed still warm . The sheets a mess . Your hair a mess too . His shirt on your back . No , not his shirt , because he was already gone by then ; that 's why you were at the window , not for the smoke , you don 't smoke , not anymore , not since you watched your mother gasp her last . You were at the window so you could watch him go . You were wondering if he might look up and see you there . He was at the crosswalk ; he was waiting for the light , and it was early by some standards . By your standards . The street was full of cars , and the sidewalk was full of people , considering that this was not a big city . This was not New York , and downtown hadn 't been the same since the flood three years ago that rose up to the middle of the first floor of the buildings around here and left a fish in the lobby of the hotel and ruined the public library , washed away police records and evidence rooms , made a mess of the little houses in the pocket closest to the river , where you used to live , where you grew up . Still , this was his hometown , and he kept his downtown office , determined to move back in and get back to normal as soon as possible . He had the place cleaned up and set to rights in record time . Hardly missed a day of work , because he loved his job , at least the concept of it if not the actual content . Which was insurance . And there 's an irony in that , I know . A split second , as you described it for us . Only one step , two at the most . When from out of nowhere , someone else said - because isn 't that what they always say ? - from out of nowhere , suddenly , there was a car . Except it wasn 't from out of nowhere at all , it was from out of somewhere ; it was from out of the far side of the crosswalk . And it wasn 't just a car , it was also a driver , a kid at the wheel , a young man who had miscalculated . He was not drunk . He was not high . He was in a hurry and he didn 't think . He was impatient , so he slipped around into the right turn lane , and he gunned it , misjudging by only a fraction of a second how much time he had , by only a few feet how much space , just that much but enough that rather than fly through and on , instead he slammed into the first pedestrian off the curb . You were at the window , which was closed , so you didn 't hear the sound except in your head - a bang that shook you just as he was hit and thrown up off his feet and over the hood , where he hovered for a moment as the car and its driver passed beneath him , before he fell and landed with another sound that you could not hear but only see . Softer , slower , it was graceful in a way . His coat spread around him and his arms outflung . Face to the sky , as if he might have been looking back at you now , at last . The driver must have known what had happened , he must have been aware of what he 'd done , but he didn 't slow and he didn 't speed up either ; he just kept going , down to the end of the next block , through a green light this time , and on , until you lost him , beyond the buildings that rose up to block your line of sight . There was the blue sky . And the warm sun on your arms . And your own face reflected back at you , in the window glass . You did what anyone would do . You reached for the phone . Below , the scene had changed . Another woman was kneeling next to him first ; then she was sitting in the street , cross - legged , close . She was leaning over him , she was caressing his hair , and she was talking to him , quietly consoling him . Later people would tell me about this , as if I might find some comfort in hearing how she didn 't hesitate , she didn 't question , she just emerged and went to him . She was a nurse , maybe , or a doctor even , or she was a minister , a woman of God in some way . Or a mother . She was someone who thought of him and waited with him , while the others all stood back and gawked , hand on mouth , or they turned away , sickened by the blood , the ruin of his face , and the tangle of his limbs , bent all wrong . One man took it upon himself to give chase , and he ran after the car for a couple of blocks , but it had already turned the corner and was gone . 2010 Ford Escort , white , sunroof . You called 911 . Yours was the first report . At the trial nine months later , they played it back to us , and we heard your precise description of that car . There could be no mistake . When we were first married , we had a small house consisting of two small bedrooms at the back , a bathroom , living room , breakfast nook , and kitchen . That was all . I loved the kitchen and the nook . Especially the glass doors on the cabinets with all our new china and crystal gleaming on the shelves behind them . I got stoned on Saturday mornings and cleaned the house . My father - in - law dropped by after his store closed at noon . He sold surgical supplies . Catheters and bedpans . Calipers , wheelchairs , pillows , scales . Artificial breasts that you could cradle in the palm of your hand . Our conversations wandered . He came to think of me as vague , insubstantial , smoky , but he didn 't know the half of it . His wife , my mother - in - law , did not like me much . She favored my husband 's former girlfriend , who was from someplace out west but had come to visit once and had charmed them all with her presence . She was beautiful , all right , and she had a body that everyone talked about after she 'd left . That was the summer before I met him . When I was living out in California with a boyfriend of my own . Many years later my mother - in - law fell down in her garden , and after that she couldn 't talk , so I would go over to her house and wheel her around and talk and talk , and she would not be able to answer me back . Except to say , " I wonder . " Or , " Oh my . " There was a coldness that came over me almost the day after our wedding . I didn 't want him to touch me . His breath shivered at my throat or in my ear and made the hair on my arms stand up . I pushed him away before I could think what I was doing , and then I was sorry that I 'd hurt his feelings , but there was nothing to do about it ; that was just the way it was . After all those months we 'd spent together the summer after the one with the girlfriend 's visit , when we camped across the country and we were in our tent together every night , now we had a house and a new brass bed all our own . He stayed up late into the night , watching television and lighting matches , setting small fires in the ashtrays for me to find the next morning . Charred pages from the TV Guide went up in flames while I slept , deeply dreaming in our brass bed . Dreams so vivid and complex that I remembered them for years afterward , and they still come back to me again in the middle of the day sometimes , like a kind of déjà vu . Once when I was stoned and cleaning the house , before my father - in - law came by , I heard a voice behind or within or on top of the vacuum cleaner 's noise , and I couldn 't tell if it was in my head or if it was real , just that over the hum there was a sound like a radio announcer , that voice going on and on , flat vowels like a sportscaster , rising and falling , but I couldn 't exactly make out the words . This went on all day , in the background of whatever else I was hearing , and then after that it came and went until one morning I was driving to class in a snowstorm and I couldn 't see , so I had to pull over and wait for the snow to lighten up . I was under an overpass , and suddenly the voice was gone , and it was so quiet and cold that I wondered if I 'd died or something and then after that I missed the voice in a way , but it never came back , and I stopped smoking pot then , which made my Saturday afternoon conversations with my father - in - law so much less interesting that after a while he quit coming by at all . I wanted to paint our bathroom midnight blue , but I used oil paint on latex , or maybe it was the other way around . Anyway , it wouldn 't stick and I painted it over and over again , but I didn 't understand what was happening or what I was doing wrong . I didn 't figure this out until many years later , when we were living in a much bigger house , with kids and dogs and cats and all that , and the painter who was working on our new addition told me about the difference between latex and oil , and I remembered , but at the time I know I thought it was in some way my fault . The windowsill in our little bedroom in that first small house was rotted , and my husband started to pick at it , making it worse and worse until he had no choice but to take the window out altogether . He meant to replace it , but it was not a standard size , so he cut away the wall and made the window into a door instead , which then was a door that went nowhere , so he built a deck out there and invited his parents over for a barbecue when it was done . I used the good china , and his mother broke the last of our crystal glasses . She dropped it in the sink , but she didn 't apologize . After they left we made love out on the deck , under the stars , early in April , too early really to be eating outside . It was cold and that 's why his folks left early , not because of anything I said and not because of the broken glass . He and I sat out there anyway , and we smoked a joint and then I was on him , licking his throat . We were good from then on . Like we 'd worked something out somehow . If you hadn 't called , someone else would have , and others did too , but you were the first to report the accident , and so you were the one they wanted to talk to , and you were the one who identified the car , so it was your description along with the license plate observed by someone else that led to the arrest of the kid who had been behind the wheel . He probably would have turned himself in anyway . Or so he said . He knew he 'd made a mistake - a terrible mistake - a bunch of terrible mistakes - one on top of the other - and once he was clear of the scene , he could see that he was not going to be able to hide or run . He was only in high school , he was just a kid , where could he go ? Except home to his parents to wait for the police to catch up , which they did . A couple of hours is all it took , and so by lunchtime he was in jail . While I was at the morgue , you were answering questions up there in the hotel room , because the police wanted to hear what you had seen , and they wanted to see how it must have looked to you . Your description of the car and the accident itself . Just before and then the moment of , and afterward . And when they saw how upset you were - telling it over and over again , one moment to the next just as I have already described it myself , and as I have heard it from you too , when you had to tell it all again in court - when your strength weakened and you began to falter , you paled and started to break down , come apart , only then did they think to ask : Did you know him ? And then you fell , as if from the great height of your remove , your overview , your omniscience , to the floor of the affair . And then you couldn 't speak , but only nodded . Yes . We moved to the bigger house , on the other side of town , in a better neighborhood . He had a good job and I was working too , and we had enough money then to do just about anything we wanted to do , pretty much . The bedroom in that house was called a master suite , and it had a chair by the window that looked out over the backyard , to the fence and the alley and the back sides of the houses beyond , where music drifted to us from an open window . This was in the summertime . He was asleep in the bed on the other side of the room . His hands on his chest . Sleeping on his back like that , he would be snoring soon . The television was on , the volume low . The colors poured over his face . I fixed myself another gin and tonic and sat in the chair , with my back to him . The music from somewhere else had stopped , and I missed it . The alleyway was still . The rain was soft at first , a drizzle that quickly picked up and thickened to a full downpour . A back door opened , spilling light onto the grass , and that created a shimmer in the wall of falling rain . A young man stepped out . He was shirtless , barefoot , in jeans . He dropped down from the porch to the grass and loped along the walkway to his car . He climbed in and rolled the windows up , then ducked through the rain , back to the shelter of the porch . He stopped there , just under the overhang where it was dry . His skin gleamed in the light . His hair was dark , cut short on top and in the front , left to grow out longer in the back as was the style then . He lit a cigarette and folded his arms across his chest and smoked and watched the rain , until he flicked the butt out into it , then turned and melted into the shadows of his house . I knew who he was , in passing . I 'd seen him go to his car in the mornings . He waved sometimes . Said hi now and then . He talked to my husband once , about a carburetor . Said he was twenty and still in school , studying anthropology or somesuch . This was when I was forty . I worked out the dates and counted back to when I figured he was born , when I was twenty and still in school myself and dating the former boyfriend , who didn 't want to think about the future , who had other plans , who didn 't want to be tied down , and who gave me three hundred dollars to do what needed to be done . You were the witness . You saw it all . For how many years had you been watching us from afar ? How much did he tell you ? About me . About us . Or did you talk of something else ? On the nights when the two of you met , in one hotel or another , when he told me he would be elsewhere and with others , traveling on business , meeting clients , making a sale . Did he complain about me ? The kid behind the wheel was in his senior year of high school , with plans to go to college . A scholar . An athlete . His mother 's favorite son . His father 's promise . They asked for leniency because of all that . They tried to make me see . One life already ended , why ruin another ? A mistake in judgment , the light first and then that he had kept on going after . But he was young . He was a kid , and who of us has not made a bad choice now and then , along the way ? Did I have children ? they wanted to know . Could I understand that part of it , at least ? Someone looked at you and , having heard the story , was surprised to find that you aren 't beautiful . You 're not even young . And they wondered out loud , What did he see in her ? But time passes . Attention moves on . The story of the day is soon forgotten . We bury him . We prosecute the boy . And then someone writes a check , payable to me . The wind has been blowing in the canyon tonight , and it is fierce . Sometime around three a . m . the power goes out . I have the dog , so although I 'm alone I feel safe , and when she stands at the door , I let her out . The city below this house , the canyon and the hills around , everything is dark . I try to keep an eye on the dog , but she 's black and I can 't see her in the tangle of the back garden , the ferns and palms and jade . I have a flashlight , and I recently replaced the batteries , because there 's been talk of earthquakes , what with the wind and the heat and the woman on the news telling us that chances are good that one will hit us soon . One month , a year , ten . Depends on what you mean by soon . I step outside . There is no sound . I look up to see a plane passing overhead . I watch it for a second and then I run the flashlight over the yard , and there is the dog , also looking up and watching that plane on its way to somewhere else . If this were a film , I think , just at this moment , just as we are here , the dog and I , and we are watching that plane , it would explode . This would be the beginning of the disaster , catastrophe , apocalypse , or whatever is the story , and a piece of the plane would fall and fall and hit me and knock me down dead . My husband , the main character in the film , the star of it , the hero , he would hear the terrible sound of that and the dog barking , going nuts , echoing across the darkened canyon , and he would quickly find me , in the garden , on the ground . That would be the beginning of the plot . I don 't know what happens next . This isn 't how it goes , though . Not this time anyway . The plane just keeps on going toward its intended destination , safe and sound . I bring the dog inside . The power comes back and with it the lights . I fix myself a cup of coffee . The day dawns as usual . I get the newspaper and go back upstairs to bed , but he 's still not here . |
Home romance novella No Flying Tonight Ch . 10 - 12 February 22 , 2014 | Author sexstory Chapter 10The bus pulled up two hundred yards from his house . Jane linked her arm in his as they walked along the footpath towards the house . When they reached the front gate , the front door opened and his mother ran out of the house and along the path towards them , closely followed by his aunt . " John you 're here . I saw the bus go past and I hoped you 'd be on it . How are you ? Are you hungry ? I bet you 'd like a cup of tea . " " Hold on there , mum . One question at a time . I 'm all right , I 'm hungry and I would like a cup of tea . How about you , Jane ? " " I 'm afraid it 's not much , John . Rationing has got worse since you went to Canada . " For the next twenty minutes they ate and talked about Canada , his voyage , the journey from Scotland and the reason for his aunt 's presence . His description of Canada and his journey home had many of the characteristics of holiday reminiscences ; Jack providing details of what he 'd done and where he 'd been with the others asking about the weather , the landscape and the boat journey , but most of the questions were directed towards Canada and Canadians . What were Canadians like ? What were their houses like ? Was there rationing ? He answered them all , but was careful not to make any reference to Sophie . " John , I suppose you are wondering why your aunt is here . I don 't think you know but your Uncle Ray was killed , just outside Tripoli , two weeks ago . She 's come to stay with us . In fact she 'll be staying for the foreseeable future as your dad has found a flat in High Wickham and I 'm going to stay with him . Your aunt will be looking after the house . " Jack 's Uncle Ray had been a regular soldier in the Royal Tank Regiment . In 1940 he had been injured at the Battle of Arras when his under - powered , under - armoured and under - gunned Matilda had been hit by a shell from an 88mm anti - tank gun . His uncle had escaped , but his tank had brewed - up with two of his comrades trapped inside and he had been forced to watch and listen to their screams as they burnt to death . In early 1942 he had been sent to the Western Desert to join the 6th Armoured Division , a part of the 8th Army , and had participated in the defeat of Rommel at El Alamein . He had died outside Tripoli in one of the final battles of the North African campaign . Jack liked his aunt . She was his mother 's younger sister who had been married to a career soldier . He hadn 't seen her much as she had lived in the south for most of her married life and had only visited Shaw on rare occasions . When she had visited she had indulged Jack - probably because she had no children of her own - taking him to Belle Vue to see the zoo and the circus . He was glad to see her again , but saddened by the circumstance . " We 'll see you later . I 'm sure you won 't miss us . After all this time you two must have a lot to talk about . " As she finished speaking she reached down and grabbed his cock ; he hadn 't been expecting it and almost flinched at her touch . She reached for his fly , undid the buttons , with a more practiced ease than the first time she had done it , and reached into his underwear . She pushed them down with the back of her wrist ; exposing his cock . It was almost erect . She bent her head and kissed it and then , teasingly , ran her tongue around and under the rim . It felt good and his cock responded ; becoming fully erect . " Gosh , Jack , I 'd forgotten how big this thing is . " She returned to her task and kneeling on the carpet in front of him , took him into her mouth . He watched the top of her head bobbing up and down and heard the sucking sound as she sought to draw his seed from his balls and all he could think was , he was betraying Sophie . In the end it was his body which betrayed her . Jane was good , better than he remembered and after two to three minutes of her ministrations , he felt himself starting to come . He grabbed her head and started to face - fuck her . She relaxed her throat muscles and managed to swallow almost all of the monster . When he came he flooded her throat , causing her to gag slightly and move back until she had only the last two inches in her mouth . She continued to suck until he finished thrusting and she felt his legs tremble for the last time . She got up , wiped her mouth and with a laugh on her face , said , " Tastes good ; it hasn 't changed - although I think I may have tasted a hint of maple syrup . " He had sent her a bottle just before Christmas . " What about her ? You 're not thinking about making love to her are you ? " In the seven months he had been away she had become more worldly . Seven months ago she would never have said such a thing . They started from where they 'd left off , although there were subtle differences in their love - making . She noticed how he 'd changed . Before he went to Canada he had engaged in foreplay but once they had started fucking he had concentrated on the matter in hand . Now he was paying more attention to her , stopping from time to time during their fucking to kiss her and to offer endearments . He didn 't notice - probably because Sophie had done the same - how , when he came , she used her cunt muscles to milk him , or how she had used profanity to urge him on ; neither of which had happened before he went to Canada . During the next five days they made love eleven times and it would have been more if Jane had got her way . Sitting on the train on his way to the Heavy Conversion Unit , where he would learn to fly a four - engined bomber , and thinking about his leave , Jack had to admit he had enjoyed it . Jane was good in bed ; she did everything he wanted and more . She had been as adventurous as always and on the third night she had suggested anal sex . Her friend had told her she had enjoyed it when her husband had ' stuck it in my arse ' and , ' besides , you can 't get pregnant ' . Based on Sophie 's experience with her husband he wanted to reject her out of hand , but the notion excited him . The next night he fucked her in the arse . It wasn 't easy ; for all her bravado she was scared , both of failure and pain . The previous evening she had left the lubricant her friend had given her and had provided him with clear instructions about what he must do . The thought of sticking a finger up her arse didn 't appeal to him , but he 'd had his instructions and if he was prepared to stick his cock there , why not his finger ? They started as though they were going to make love conventionally . He played with her tits and clit while she sucked and stroked his cock . He stuck his cock in her cunt and was surprised to find how wet she was ; if her arse was as wet as her cunt there would be no problem . She pointed to the night - stand and said , " Get the lubricant . All you 've got to do is put some in me and some on your cock . " She watched as he oiled his cock . It glistened , even in the dim light of the bedside - lamp . Satisfied , she turned over , got on her knees with her shoulders on the bed and presented her bum to him . For a moment he saw Sophie lying there , waiting to be violated by her husband and wanted to stop . " Come on Jack ; make sure you put enough in me … . . but , be careful . " He took the bottle and poured some around and on her hole . He took his finger and coated it with oil and then , gently , inserted into her arse . She was tight ; he could feel her sphincter resisting him . Gradually , as he worked his finger in and out , she started to relax and his finger sank further and further until it reached the second knuckle . He took his finger out , got her to hold her hole open and dribbled some oil directly into her arse . " Jack , that 's bloody cold . " It would be . It was winter ; coal and coke were rationed and as there wasn 't enough for the central heating , the bedroom was cold . He sat back on his heels , bent his knees and mounted her . He had fucked her and Sophie doggie fashion before , but this time the angle was slightly different , he had to bend over further to get his cock in . He rubbed the underside of his cock against her now slick hole and then , very slowly and very carefully , tried to enter her . Her arse was tight , tighter even than her cunt had been . She grimaced , but said nothing about the pain . " It 's all right Jack , you can push a little harder . " He pushed and felt his cock slip past her sphincter . He was in ; not all the way but far enough in that he could start to fuck her . He fucked her slowly , waiting for her to complain . Underneath him she could feel her hole expanding as he thrust deeper into her . It hurt to start but as she got used to him , she started to experience the sensations her friend had described to her . She was becoming excited ; partly from the effect of his cock and partly from the knowledge that what they were doing was almost illicit . She could feel he was becoming excited , his thrusts were harder and longer , and that she too was starting to become excited . She picked up her right hand , sought and found her clit , and started to fuck herself with her fingers . She stuck a finger in her cunt and could feel , through the lining of her cunt , his cock moving in her bum . She took her finger out and attacked her clit , rubbing it furiously as she sought to reach her climax . It didn 't take long ; she could feel him starting to come and not wanting to be disappointed , she rubbed harder and faster . They came ; Jack first , his spunk squirting into her , flooding her bowels and she immediately after , rubbing her clit with one hand and with two fingers from the other in her cunt . When he left to report to the Heavy Conversion Unit at RAF Wigsley she cried . She wasn 't happy about him leaving , but most of all , she was worried he was about to became a bomber pilot . In spite of the secrecy about losses , the British people were aware bomber crews were suffering high casualty rates . She didn 't want to be the girlfriend , fiancée or even the wife of a dead hero . At the most it got you a widow 's pension , at the least - nothing . She had wanted to tell him about Simon , a naval lieutenant whom she 'd met three months earlier at a dance in Bolton , but the last seven days had been wonderful , as memorable as the time they 'd spent together just before he left for Canada . She had met Simon when she 'd gone to a dance with a girlfriend and halfway through the night , had been asked for a dance by an officer in a Royal Navy uniform . They 'd danced for most of the night and she had accepted his invitation for a drink the next evening . He was in Bolton , doing something at a factory which was manufacturing something for the Navy . He had been evasive about the specifics and she hadn 't been that interested . What had interested her was what he did when he wasn 't in Bolton and she had been pleased to find that Lieutenant Simon Henderson was twenty - five , based in Grimsby , with a shore job which had something to do with the minesweeper fleet - it sounded like radio or something - and the only danger he faced was from the sporadic air raids on the port . At first he had been almost proper , acting more like an escort than a boyfriend , and then , a month after they 'd met , he invited her to Grimsby . She didn 't know what to expect , but suspected he wasn 't going to play the escort when he got her on his home ground . She was right . He had booked her a room at the Queen 's Hotel and then taken her out to dinner . When they had finished dinner he had taken her back to the hotel for a drink and after plying her with drink he needn 't have bought her , he took her up to her room and in his mind , had seShe had enjoyed it , partially because she was slightly drunk , but also because she hadn 't had sex for four months and was becoming tired of pleasuring herself . She had continued to go out with him ; not because she loved him , but because he was fun , here and as long as he was shore - based , not likely to die . In comparison with Jack , there was the promise of a future with Simon ; maybe not a forever future , but a future . There were occasions , after she and Simon had made love when she had feelings of guilt , both for betraying Jack and for making love to somebody she didn 't love . Whenever she felt that way , she tried rationalise her actions . What Jack was doing was dangerous ; eight hours of terror followed by five days of boredom with the chances of surviving a tour less than five per cent . On the other hand , unless he got posted , Simon was almost sure to survive the war . She loved Jack and how he made her feel when he was fucking her , but there was no future for them . When , three months later , she told him she was getting engaged to Simon , she sat and cried all evening . " Who have you been entertaining ? It can 't be Jane as she 's been with me . " " Nobody , the only people here are auntie and me . " She looked at him . She wasn 't stupid ; she had been fucking her boyfriend for almost a year and she knew the smell of sex . She sniffed and then laughed . He didn 't know what to say . The sound of the bathroom door opening saved him from further inquisition . " Oh , hello auntie ; Jack says you 're going out - where are you going ? " Jack lay in bed and thought about his close escape and then wondered why Jane was with his sister ? Downstairs he could hear the three of them talking followed by the sound of the door shutting . His aunt must have left for town and , by the looks of it , on the twenty - five to one bus . He was sure his sister suspected something ; after all if he could smell the evidence of sex in his bedroom and he had been surrounded by it , his sister , who had come in from the outside , couldn 't have missed it . Still what could she do or , more pertinently , what would she do ? Unless she was sure , probably nothing . The house went quiet ; apparently his sister and Jane must have left . He thought about Jane . He hadn 't loved her - at least not in the way he loved Sophie - but he did care for her and she was a good fuck . He knew his aunt would be available whenever he wanted her , but sometimes he would need a younger , tighter body , not only to fuck but to socialize with . He could fuck his aunt and take her to the pub , but he couldn 't take her to meet his friends . It would certainly be easier to get back with Jane . She was good in bed , he enjoyed going out with her and , furthermore , he knew what he would get with Jane . He hadn 't the time to pay court to someone else on the off - chance they would sleep with him . As he thought about Jane he remembered her body , particularly her nipples ; remembered how she had fucked and sucked him and , as he did so , he started to become excited and his cock began to harden . He stroked his cock , playing with it as he thought about the first time he took her anally and the first time they 'd sixty - nined . It didn 't take long before he felt the tell - tale signs of his come rising in his balls ; an indication it wouldn 't be long before he came . As he had his eyes closed , he didn 't hear the door open and didn 't see his sister and Jane creep in . The click , when Sheila let go of the door knob , was the first indication anybody was in the room . He opened his eyes , saw them and froze ; his erect cock in his hand . " Don 't let us interrupt you . Carry on with what you were doing . " They made no move to leave . Why hadn 't they ? What did they want ? Did they really want him to continue ? He looked at their faces . There was nothing which would tell him if they meant it or not . He stroked it once , then again . They laughed . It was his sister who spoke . " Don 't look so guilty ; it isn 't as if you haven 't done it before . I did live with you for eighteen years , don 't forget , and not all your nocturnal habits escaped my notice . And from what I hear , Jane has helped you on a number of occasions . " Jane nodded and smiled . " By the way it is impressive - your cock that is - it 's certainly the biggest I 've ever seen . " She moved forward , as if to get a better look , and he dropped his hand to show her . She leaned forward and appeared to be reaching for his cock but , instead , extended her middle finger , wiped it on his thigh and put it in her mouth . " Spunk and something else . I knew you 'd been up to something and , from the smell of it , it wasn 't just wanking . I can 't believe it ; you and Auntie Susan have been up to something . I thought she had been a lot happier recently , and now I realise why . Jack , it 's all right ; I 'm not upset . You can tell me . I know she 's been unhappy . " " You don 't have to ; Jane 's told me everything . I know you two just about covered the whole of sex from A to Z . Jack , I 'm impressed . Who 'd have thought my baby brother would have become a sexual athlete of the highest order ? " " Why Jack ; is once a morning not enough ? You don 't have to answer that ; from the taste I just had and the smell in your room it 's obvious which you have been fucking someone and , in the absence of another , viable , alternative that someone is obviously good old Auntie Susan . Well , well , well ; what would the neighbours think ? Or our parents , for that matter ? " " Sheila , you can think what you like . I told you . I 'm not admitting to anything . " " It 's all right Jack I 'm not going to say anything . It 's odd , but , if you and auntie want to fuck , it 's up to you . I 'm not going to criticise you , but just make sure you don 't have any two headed babies . " " Jack , it looks like you 're losing all your enthusiasm . " He looked at his cock . It was true , it had declined to half - mast and was showing symptoms of total collapse . Was she offering herself to him ? Jack thought about his sister ; he had only caught glimpses of her body but , from what he had seen , she was a younger , slightly slimmer version of his aunt . Her tits were smaller and , while they could not be described as pert , it looked like they didn 't need a lot of support . It was the package which was attractive ; she looked like a woman . Not fat , with pendulous tits like Angela or thin with egg - cup sized tits like Jane , but a woman like Sophie and his aunt ; full breasted and with child - bearing hips . " You may not have noticed , but at the moment , there aren 't any readily available . Jane 's here , but is spoken for , and since I 've got to go back tomorrow , I don 't think that gives me enough time to meet anyone , let alone seduce them . " Two could play that game . If his sister or Jane wanted to flirt , he could too . His sister laughed and turned to Jane . " Well I 'm not available . I 'm going . I 'll leave you two to it . " Jane laughed and watched as his sister left the room . " It appears , other than your aunt , that I must be the only one who 's available . It 's all right Jack , I 'm not going to seduce you , but I wouldn 't mind re - acquainting myself with the monster . " She looked at him and smiled . If it was action he wanted , she could provide it . She dropped her head , took his cock in her mouth , sucked twice and stopped . How could she recognise it was a woman , he wanted to ask her , but he was more interested in being sucked - off . " If you 're going to play with my cock , then the least you can do is show me your tits . " She looked at him , as if assessing his request , and then smiled . " If you want to see them , you 've got to undress me yourself . " What an invitation . He reached up and undid her blouse ; exposing a slip and bra . He pulled the slip off her shoulder and undid the bra ; her tits were just as he remembered ; even slightly larger , and still tipped with enormously long nipples . He reached for her nipple with his mouth and sucked . She returned to his cock ; licking the shaft and then snuggling down and licking and sucking his balls . It felt good ; he loved it when a woman sucked his balls . She took him in her mouth and sucked him . She was good , even better than he remembered in that , somehow , she had learned to swallow even more of his cock , almost to the point where her mouth was touching his mound and when she played him with her tongue , the experience was exquisite . She licked , almost tickled the head and , every time she did , his cock reacted ; springing to attention . When she sensed he was starting to come , she stopped licking and took him in her mouth ; sucking so hard it almost felt as if he had a vacuum cleaner attached to his cock . When he came she was amazed by both the amount and force of his ejaculation which flooded her mouth , causing her to gag slightly . As he finished thrusting she opened her mouth , showed him his spunk , swallowed it with an exaggerated gulp , and smiled at him . " Wow , Jack , what a load of spunk . Did I turn you on that much ? " " You did . I wouldn 't mind returning the favour . " Jane was tempted . Jack was a good lover , much better than Simon , and she had been excited by sucking him off . But fucking him would be complicated . She had got him out of her system and was in danger of drifting back . She had rationalised why she had given him up and to start fucking him again would be irrational and , besides , he was already fucking his aunt . " I 'm sorry , Jack . I want to but I can 't . Take it as a parting gift . " Posted in romance novella | Tags : anal , incest , mature , romance novella , ww2 | No Comments » Caught Ch . 02 March 11 , 2013 | Author sexstory Dave put his hand on her midriff and lifted himself on an elbow . He looked at Alice 's face and to his immense joy he saw her completely at ease . She looked up at him without any hint of tension in her any more , with no anxiety left - just happiness . He bent over to kiss her again and she put an arm round his neck . " Would you really like to have a baby with me ? " she whispered . Dave nodded . " Yes , " he said . " You know , last night - I sat up for a very long time , and I finally realised how much I had missed the things that life 's about - warmth , and happiness , and an arm around your shoulder - " He stroked her hand - " and sharing what you like . When you started to cry at the concert - my ex would never listen to my records . She 'd sing through them , deliberately out of tune . And I loved shopping with you , and I think we can share poetry and stuff … I 'll check with the airline tomorrow to see if there 's a seat for you , too - otherwise I will have to get new tickets on a different flight . " " Oh dear , " he said . " I 'm sorry . Just pull my ear when I act like this , won 't you ? Of course you can , especially in summer . And you certainly should retain your independence , as much as possible . But I meant to say , why don 't you finish your studies ? " She was quiet for a moment . Then she said , " Yes , I 'd love to , of course . I may have a more interesting job then . Oh , I must tell them I 'm leaving , tomorrow . " " Will it be a problem for you to stop at once ? " Dave asked . " I have only one more appointment tomorrow afternoon . I had planned to visit the library , and do some other things but they 're of no importance , really . We can have all day to show each other the things we like here , and you can show me a little of your history , if that 's not too painful . I 'd really like to know . " " No , " Alice said . " I don 't think it 's too painful - it will be good to get it off my chest . And I have a lot of good memories , too . I will tell them I want to stop straight away . " They got up and walked into the living - room . " It 's strange , " she said . " I would never have thought I could simple be here stark naked with someone and not feel embarrassed - but I just feel so happy ! " Dave beamed . He looked at her and nodded , and tried to answer , but the words stuck in his throat . Instead he kissed the tip of her nose while he held her face with his hands . He nodded again . " These are the photographs I 've got , " she said . Dave sat down and Alice sat on his knee . She opened the album and they looked at it together . There were a lot of pictures of a little girl with blonde corkscrew curls and a friendly - looking man with a moustache . " That 's me , " Alice said , " and that 's my father . " There was a picture of a woman who stared into the lens with unseeing eyes . Dave didn 't like her mouth very much ; it showed discontent and reminded him of his ex . " That 's my mother , " Alice said . " She 'd already started using then , but it wasn 't too bad yet . You can at least see her eyes clearly in this picture . " Alice nodded . She got up and took an envelope from the cupboard . Inside was an enlarged photograph of her father 's face . She looked at it and wiped a hand over her eyes . She handed the picture to Dave . He looked at it . The features were only a little like Alice 's ; but his eyes were the split image of Alice 's own , he thought . Alice nodded . She took the picture from him , and put it back . Then she sat on his knee again . She put her arms round him and rested her head on his shoulder . " I am so happy with you , " she said , " but I also feel like crying - I wish you could have met him . " " Yes , " Dave said . " I like his looks very much - and you can see in the pictures of the two of you how much he loved you . Why do you keep it in an envelope ? We could have it framed and put it on the wall . " " On the contrary , " he said . " I want you to feel it 's your place as much as mine - and luck didn 't leave you too much . But this is a wonderful portrait . Have you any more treasures ? " Alice shook her head . " No , " she said . " Anything that was of any value … " She let the sentence dangle . " I 'm getting cold , " she said . " Shall we go back to bed ? " They cuddled together under the duvet . Alice stroked his chest , and then she ran a finger round his nipples . It made him shudder . He felt her buttocks with his free hand , and then he said , " I 'd love to kiss you all over . May I ? " Dave slowly explored her body with his mouth . He loved the taste of her , and he liked the smell of her body . He went all the way down to her toes and then up again , and he stopped at her crotch . He looked up at her face with a question in his eyes . She smiled and nodded . " Please , " she said . Dave made love to her slowly . He used the blade of his tongue first , and ran it along the length of her slit ; then he found her inner labia and took them between his lips . He pulled at them a little before he stuck the tip of his tongue between them to taste her juices . Alice got the shivers from his treatment ; not just because he touched the right nerves , but even more so because she could sense his love for her . Dave went back to her labia with his tongue and eventually he slowly , slowly moved up to her clitoris . " Oh , please , yes … " Alice said . She gripped his hair with her hands and pushed her pussy up to meet his face , and she came almost immediately . Dave lay his head on her thigh and waited for her high to subside . She stroked his hair and found his mouth with a finger . He kissed it . When her breathing was steady again Dave stretched out beside her . " When you changed into your new outfit , " he said , " you were wearing some blue lingerie . Could you tell me about it ? " " Yes , " she said , surprised at the question . " I bought it after a nasty confrontation with my mother . She 's shouted at me and she called names , and said I was plain , and - I just wanted to feel desirable and nice and I went and bought it . It was really beautiful then . And I didn 't know if you wanted to have me as a courtesan , or what , and I decided that if you should want to have sex with me I wanted to look my best … " She smiled a little . " I know it wasn 't much , really . But I wish I had kept it . I - it did keep up my spirits a little , somehow . " " I thought as much , " Dave said . " Er , it 's still there . Your smell was on your bra , and I just couldn 't throw it with the rest . It 's in my suitcase in the hotel . " She let the implication of what he 'd just said sink in . " Were you in love with me already then ? " she said . He smiled . " I think so , " he said . " But as I told you , I didn 't want to give in to my own feelings - I thought I 'd be unable to commit myself again . " The next morning they went back to the hotel together . Alice went into the managers office and told him she wanted to give up her job . He was a little surprised , since he knew she was hard up , but she told him in a few words what he needed to know to understand her reasons . Alice had been a good worker ; he paid her wages to the hour and wished her happiness . Alice thanked him and left the office . They went to the kitchen together . Mary Anne , who hadn 't seen Alice for couple of days , was happy to hear nothing untoward had happened , and even happier for her when Alice told her she and Dave were going to live together in the provinces . " Lovely , Alice , " she said . " I hope you 'll be very happy together . " She kissed her and shook hands with Dave . " Coffee ? " she said . Alice looked at Dave . " Yes , please , " he said . They had coffee together in the kitchen , and spent a pleasant ten minutes talking together . Then Dave and Alice took their leave . They spent the morning shopping ; Alice bought more dresses , some pairs of trousers , some more lingerie - and this time Dave took an active part in their purchases - and generally all they thought Alice might need . They took the spoils back to hotel . " We 've forgotten to buy some trunks , " Dave said . " If we want to ship your things to Newport we can 't just ship paper bags . " He opened his own suitcase and took out the bag he 'd kept . " Look , " he said . " I 'd love you to wear it for me . " Alice looked into the bag and smiled . " Gladly , " she said . " Now ? " She cuddled him for a moment and went into the bathroom to change . Like the other time she stepped out again to show him . He looked at her and somehow his eyes got wet . He took her in his arms , and held her as if she were about to run away . She smiled at him again . " Come , " she said . " I 'll put my dress back on . " Early that afternoon Dave bought a second ticket to fly them to Southampton . He finished his final appointment and then they took the tube to the outskirts . Alice held an arm round Dave 's waist as they walked to the house she was born in . She showed him a small , well - proportioned building that Dave judged to be about seventy years old . It had a small garden and looked well - kept . Alice pointed at a first floor window . " That used to be my room , " she said . " I really loved this place . " Then she showed him where the shops used to be , and they visited her old school . " Let 's have a look inside , " she said . They were met by an elderly lady . " Hello , Mrs Jamison , " Alice said . " I used to go to school here and I 'd like to show it to my friend . May we look around for a moment ? " " You must be Alice Green , " the lady said to her surprise . " You remind me of your father . I hope you take after him . Yes , you may look around ; I will come with you . " They made a short tour of the building and then Mrs Jamison took them into her office . " I don 't want to intrude , " she said , " but I heard your mother died some time ago . Rumour had it she gave you a hard time . " They went to a bookshop first . Dave found a copy of Robert Frost 's Selected Poems and showed Alice The Road Not Taken . " This is what made me realise I really wanted you , and that I would be an idiot if I let this one chance pass , " he said . " It 's beautiful , isn 't it ? " Alice said . " It 's really what life is all about . And sometimes - most times , I suppose - you simply don 't know the right road . But we both chose right . And we both found the crock of gold at the end of our rainbow ; especially now its one rainbow for the two of us . " She looked at him with so much love in her eyes that it made Dave glow inside . They went to one of the parks for the afternoon and walked , talked and had a good time . Dave told her about his youth and his family , things they had not talked about yet , and they spent some time sitting on a perk bench watching the people going by . They had early dinner at a small restaurant and then they went to hear Jean Françaix and a couple of other twentieth century French composers . The concert was pleasant enough but not as devastating as the first one had been . They went back to the hotel . " I 'll get my toothbrush , my razor and pyjamas , " Dave said . " We can leave the rest here ; it 's quicker to the airport and we have most of tomorrow to arrange things . " " My toothbrush and razor it 'll be , then , " he grinned , looking forward to undressing her . In her room he took off her dress and first held a along time in her old lingerie . " It really looks beautiful on you , " he said , " and I am very glad it 's still there . " Then they went for a drink and from there they walked along the river once more . They ended up at the Abbey . Dave hadn 't been there for ages , so he bought tickets and they went in . He wasn 't particularly religious , but this , he thought , a little awed by the surroundings , was a good place to propose to her . " It 's a little unnecessary an longer , perhaps , " he said . " But still - will you marry me ? " Posted in romance novella | Tags : oral , romance novella | No Comments » Of Hell and Heaven March 11 , 2013 | Author sexstory I first and absolutely foremost want to thank and dedicate this story and the following stories in this series to someone who I can only call my muse . She supports and encourages me . When I need it , she critiques and corrects me . She is a real godsend and she is a friend . Thank you Catheath , these stories are for you . Next … these stories are total fiction . They all arose from my demented imagination . With respect to the Benedictines , I have no knowledge of their rules or their mission . Everything about them is made up , again the product of a warped mind . I mean that very seriously . When I die my immortal soul is going to be damned . I will spend eternity in pain and torment . Burning and suffering forever . And if the truth be known , I don 't care . I wouldn 't do anything differently . I will have had my heaven here on earth . I will die a happy man . I it all started on the first day of my senior year at Saint Steven 's High School in Baltimore , Maryland . I had just turned eighteen in August just before school started . St . Steven 's logo was two red " S " s on a white background . We called it Sing Sing after that ancient notorious prison in New York . I walked into homeroom early . I was always early , my Mom would drop me off and then take Mandy , my twin sister to St . Augustine 's before going to work . Mom had to be in her office by 7 : 45 am . Thus , I was always the first one in class . Usually , I would just drop my books by my desk and go back outside , that is if the weather was nice . As I walked into the room I saw a nun standing looking out of the window . Her back was to the door . I knew that she was a nun because she was wearing one of those modified habits . You know , the black skirt that comes down between the knee and ankle and a white blouse . She was wearing a short black veil with a white band in front , I guess that held it on her head . " Oh Christ , " I thought , " A nun for homeroom . We 're seniors , we shouldn 't have a nun for homeroom . This is not good . " As I walked across the room she turned and in a voice that would put angel 's singing to shame , said , " You must be Zachary . I was told that you would be the first one in . I 'm Sister Carol . " When I looked over at her , I became lost in the bluest eyes that I have ever seen . She was beautiful . Never before had I seen a nun … no … never before had I seen any woman who was as beautiful as this nun standing in front of me . As I walked to my desk , I stared at her like a deer caught in the headlights . The next thing I knew , I was falling over a desk . It went down with me on top of it . My books flew all over the floor . But , it did sort of bring me back to the land of the living . Sister Carol came running over to me and when she saw that I was okay she sat on one of the seats and laughed . She had a soft sweet laugh , like the tinkling of crystal . I was sputtering and stuttering , trying to get up and somehow hide my embarrassment . Sr . Carol laughed and said , " My goodness , Zachary . Do I look that frightening that you fall over desks trying to get away ? " I finally found my voice and the words just poured out . A lot faster than my brain was working . My mouth just kept spewing out the words , " No Sister , you 're not hideous , you 're the most beautiful woman I have ever seeeeeeeennnnnnn . " At this point I realized just who I was talking to and what I was saying . She was a NUN ! You can 't say things like that to a nun . She put her hand on my shoulder and laughingly said , " Calm down Zachary . I 'll tell you what . Why don 't you go outside and come in again . We will start all over and act like this never happened . " I went outside . I just wanted to run away , to go home and hide under the bed . I walked around the front of the building and then I slowly walked back to class and arrived about ten seconds before the bell rang . I was the last one to get to class . As I came in the door , Sister Carol looked over at me and smiled as the bell rang . " I 'm Sister Carol , I will be your homeroom teacher this year . And you are ? " she asked . Doing exactly what she said she would do ; starting all over again . Once again I was enthralled by her beauty , but this time I was able to speak … well almost . " I 'm Zack , no , no … Zachary … Zachary … ah … Zachary Miller , " I stuttered . The whole class roared with laughter . They were all teasing and hollering at me , especially the guys and girls on the Swimming Team . I 've been on the team since freshman year . They started a chant , " Zachary Zachary Zachary … Zachary Zachary Zachary . " Sr . Carol put a stop to that right away . I could feel the back of my neck heat up as I reddened . I just wanted to melt into the woodwork . I went and sat at my desk . During that first class , Sister Carol told us that she had recently graduated from MIT with a degree in mathematics and she had just taken her final vows . She would be with us in homeroom and Religion class and that if anyone was taking Calculus , AP Calc , or Trigonometry she would be teaching us that . Thus , she would be my AP Calc ( Advanced Placement Calculus ) and Trig teacher , for the whole year . We were her very first class and someone said , " We 're your firsts . " Everyone laughed , but we kept the name . We were the " Firsts . " Not that it meant anything , but we flaunted it . I think that some of the other nuns didn 't like it but the brothers thought it was funny . We had both nuns and brothers teaching at St . Steven 's . The Nuns were the Benedictines or the Bennys as we called them . The Brothers were the Christian Brothers de LaSalle ( The French Christian Brothers ) or the Frenchies . So for most of the four years we had religious teachers . It turned out , amazingly , when I was in Sr . Carol 's classes , I didn 't just sit mooning over her . It was like my brain took in everything that she said . I had no problem with religion , not one of my favorite subjects and I flew through Calc and Trig , which turned out to be my favorite subjects . ( I 'm sure that you can 't imagine why ) I understood even the most complicated problems the first time she explained it . She was different ; she wasn 't like a lot of the other nuns , she would joke with us and she would treat us like adults ; except when we acted like children . Also , it was like she had no idea that she was even mildly attractive , never mind the most beautiful woman in the world . And it seemed that the other guys just saw a nun , not a woman … certainly not a very beautiful woman . I would think about her , dream about her and even fantasize about her when I beat off . Yea , I really did . At first , I was horrified that I could think about a nun this way . But no matter how I tried , I couldn 't get her out of my mind . If I started to think about a girl in my class or even looking at a girly magazine , she would always morph into Sister Carol . For the longest time , I lived with the guilt and shame . It was a sacrilege to think about a nun like that . That 's when I realized that I was going to hell . There was no way around it . My soul was so degraded that there was no chance of redemption . So … I just went with it . If I was going to hell then so be it , I was going to hell . How much worse could it be than what I was going through now ? Having her so close but so far away . Before I knew it , we had sent out our college applications and it seemed like an eternity before the colleges started sending out their acceptances and rejections . I had a lot of acceptances . I got a scholarship to the School of Engineering at Stamford University . I swore it was because of the recommendation letter that Sister Carol wrote . She played it down … but I knew differently . I sent in my acceptance to Stanford , with the required deposit . The rest of the school year flew by and soon final exams were in , marked and we were just waiting for Graduation Day . On the last day of classes , we all met in our homeroom . We presented Sr . Carol with a sort of crystal thing that had some writing on it . As everyone was leaving I put a yellow sticky note on it . I didn 't sign it , but I don 't think that she would have a problem knowing who put it there . The diplomas were handed out , I was the salutatorian and I received the Calculus medal . After Mary Beth , the Valedictorian gave her speech I had to get up and give one . As I approached the podium I saw that Sister Carol was sitting in the front row . Her face was lit up with a big smile . She was looking and smiling at me ! I put my notes on the podium and began . I have no idea what I said . I would try to look at other people in the auditorium but my gaze always returned to her . Finally I finished and it must have been okay because the audience clapped and the Swimming Team cheered like a bunch of loonies . My parents were ecstatic and planned to go out to one of the best restaurants in town . My twin sister Mandy , who was the Valedictorian at her school and my older " brother , " Mark , his wife , Georgia and their two kids , Marky and Lissa were coming . It would be a gala affair . I would have to sit between the kids . They would have it no other way and I loved it . I would be teasing and being teased the whole night . Mark , although technically my cousin , was more of a brother to Mandy and I . He is my Mom 's sister 's son . Mark 's parents were killed before my mom got married . And as she was his only relative , Mom took him . Dad married mom , knowing the situation ; they raised him together . He calls my Mom " Mom " and my Dad " Dad " . When Mandy and I were born , he was there , I always have considered him my brother . And I am Uncle Zacky to the kids . I turned around and Sister Carol was standing there smiling at me . " I wanted to tell you just how proud of you I am . And I have a little something , for you . Just so you won 't forget me too soon , " she said as she handed me a small box . " Zachary , you are incorrigible , " she laughed . And she actually turned a little red . Then she leaned over and gave me a light kiss on the cheek . " I wish you the best of luck , but the way you work , you won 't need any . You 'll make your own . " I was stunned , she kissed me . I was in heaven . I just stood there , I couldn 't speak , I couldn 't think . It felt like I was there for hours , in a dreamland . But , then I heard my fathers voice from the stairs , " Zack , lets get going , we have reservations for seven . " He walked into the hall and said , " Oh , Sister , I was hoping that I would see you . I really want to thank you for all you did for Zack . That letter was absolutely wonderful … but just who were you writing about ? " As I was finishing up at the locker , Dad was teasing me , " You really like her don 't you ? Well I can understand she ain 't bad looking . But , I guess that I have nothing to worry about she is a nun . " He laughed and we went down to the lobby . The whole class was there with parents and relatives . We were saying goodbye , exchanging phone numbers and e - mail addresses . Eventually we headed for the restaurant and the dinner was everything that I expected , perfect . The summer flew by . I had a summer job , working at my Father 's friend 's warehouse ; I was what was referred to as a runner . Me and another guy , Jake had to get stuff from the warehouse for the guys at the counter . It would be Zack , get me 500 lag bolts ; Jake get me a hundred feet of cable , etc . It was hard work but not all that bad and it did keep me in shape . All of a sudden , it was the end of August , Dad and I were heading out to a place called Palo Alto , California , to Stanford University . I was quickly settled into my dorm room and Dad headed home . I must say that I had a great time with him . It took a few weeks but I finally got comfortable with my classes and the school . I joined the Army ROTC . My roommate was in it and it turned out to be a lot of fun ( most of the time ) . The good thing was that the Army would pick up the difference between the scholarship and room and board . I would graduate a Second Lieutenant , and have a six - year commitment . A year or two in one of the combat arms and the rest in my area of study , engineering . Mom wasn 't happy about me joining the Army , but dad was elated that he only had Mandy 's room and board to worry about , yea she got a full scholarship to Penn State . My first duty assignment was Fort Jackson in South Carolina for infantry training . Finishing that I went to Fort Benning for Airborne School . There were three of us " Shave Tail Looies " who went through Infantry training and Jump School together . We hung out together , went out drinking together and we all decided that three big , virile , macho guys like us should go off to Ranger School , together . Well , we spent 61 days going through absolute hell , in the desert , the jungles and the swamps and mock - ups of towns and cities . But in the end we got to wear the Ranger tab and were all assigned to the 75th Ranger Regiment . And to a man we ended up in Iraq and later in Afghanistan . You know enjoying the scenery , the food and the adulation and hospitality of the friendly Taliban ( yea right ) . In training I got the nickname of " Papa " . I would take care of the other two . Get them out of trouble and get them back to the barracks in one piece , just being a papa . However , when we got to Iraq and later in Afghanistan , the name changed to Papa Swiss . It seemed that every time I went out I would come back with a hole in me . It would be from shrapnel , or a ricochet , whatever but it would be a hole . Not enough to get me sent home but just enough to sometimes get a day in the field hospital . Most of the time nothing was done other than a bandage or a band - aid . This went on until I was about half way through my second tour in Afghanistan . Things sorta went wrong . I ended up minus a left kneecap and a whole bunch of muscles and stuff . This time it was enough to get me out of Afghanistan , to Germany and then back to the States . After they replaced everything with stainless steel and porcelain , it got me out of the Army , too . So , within six months of being wounded , I was back in Baltimore . My Mother was beside herself with joy . Her wounded son was home and he wasn 't going back . She took it upon herself to fatten me up . But I guess that being a Ranger stuck . I watched what I ate and worked out like a demon , getting back into shape . One of my buddies , Terry Matson , had an uncle in the ship building business . Thus , three months after being discharged , I was gainfully employed as a marine engineer . Who says nepotism is a bad thing ? The biggest part of the company 's business was working on military vessels , but it also had a recreational division . I worked with the military division . However , another young engineer named Mark and I would , in our off time , tinker with sailboats , something we both loved . We developed a new type of keel for racing sailboats . The idea worked and the bosses were really happy . It meant a rather big bonus and a lot of good publicity for the company and they even made some money on it . And if based on the continuing bonuses , quite a bit of money , I would imagine . A few months after the keel had been released , the company was asked if one of us could speak at a symposium that was being held in St . Louis , Missouri . Mark went into a panic , doesn 't like to talk in front of people , so I was sort of asked to go . And of course I said yes , like I had a choice . The people at the symposium paid for everything . And they went first class . Everything was top shelf . As I was going to be speaking in the early afternoon on Monday , after registration , they requested that I get to the Hotel on Sunday . So on a Sunday afternoon , after a long day , an even longer flight and an endless cab ride from the airport to the hotel , all I wanted to do was have a very large bourbon and get to bed . But , as Bobby Burns said about the best laid plans … they " gang aft agley . " I had gotten a call from Terry Matson and when he found out that I would be in St Louis on Sunday evening he went nuts . Both he and Bobby Goldberg were on TDY ( Temporary Duty ) at Fort Leonard Wood , Missouri . He said that they were going back to Benning on Monday afternoon , but that left all of Sunday evening and night to ParTAY . They were only 130 miles from St . Louis so it should only take them about 45 minutes to get to the hotel . " That is if I drive , " Terry laughed . Terry 's wife Rachel and Bobby 's wife Miriam were with them . And the girls would be overjoyed to see Papa again . " Shit man , we 've missed you . " I turned around and my eyes gazed once again upon the most beautiful woman in the world . In an instant , I was an eighteen year old high school senior , walking into homeroom for the first time . It was like I hadn 't left her class , I felt everything that I felt that first day in senior year of high school But this time she wasn 't wearing a habit . She was wearing a lovely light pink blouse , the top two buttons were open . It wasn 't enough to show any cleavage , but it gave a hint of her breasts below . She had on a beige skirt that came just above her knees . Her calves were slim and shapely , she was wearing sandals . Her hair was cut short and was golden red . I was lost . It was like in those silly romantic movies when everything fades out except for the beautiful woman in front of the hero . I was in a daze as I slowly walked toward her . Then I stopped , gave a little start and looked all around . Sister Carol started to laugh and took both of my hands in hers . " Oh Zachary , what a surprise to find you here . A wonderful surprise . What brings you to St . Louis ? " " I 'm scheduled to talk tomorrow in the early afternoon , so they wanted me here tonight . But what are you doing here ? The last I heard , you were teaching somewhere in the Mid - west . " She smiled and said , " I 'm at the Math Conference and I 'm also talking tomorrow , but in the morning . That 's why I came in today , the conference people are paying for everything but my meals . So I have to fend for myself . This is the first time that I have ever talked at one of these conferences and I am so nervous . " " Well , the bunch is two and they have their wives with them . You will fit right in and it will be a lot of laughs . You will think that you are back at St . Steven 's " We found a couple of seats in the lobby and sat and talked . She told me about getting her doctorate and now teaching in a small university just outside of Santa Fe . She said she really enjoyed it . Bobby : " Let me explain , when you experience extreme and I mean extreme ugliness and then have it removed , like sent back to the States , your mind being so relieved , tends to pretty up the memory of that ugliness , so you don 't have to continue to experience it . What your mind has done , over time , is pretty up your memory of Papa Swiss . And I know this because I once took a psychology course in college . " I was sitting and laughing as the farce played out . At first , Sister Carol didn 't know what was going on . But she soon figured out that these two were the friends I was waiting for and she sat back and enjoyed . I got up and Bobby stood me in front of him . He took a really big breath and blew at my chest . Terry who was standing behind me , mimed like he was being plummeted by a gale force wind . When Bobby stopped blowing , Terry shouted , " Christ , it is you Papa . " He grabbed me in a big bear hug and then dropped me and Bobby hugged me . As we stood there laughing , hugging and pounding each other on the back , Rachel and Miriam came up . At this point Terry seemed to discover Sister Carol , sitting and taking everything in . " Okay , Papa , enough . Now tell me , just who is this lovely creature , " he said is a very greasy voice as he took her hand . Rachel and Miriam squealed with glee , and Rachel giggled , " You two deserved it . " Then she turned to Carol and said , " Carol , I 'm Rachel and this is Miriam . I have the misfortune to be married to that Neanderthal ( pointing at Terry ) . " This is basically how the whole evening went , although not as boisterous . But it was all teasing , joking and laughter . We left the hotel for a restaurant Terry knew . It was within walking distance of the hotel . At one point Miriam got all teary eyed ( something that happens quite often , especially when she has had a drink or two ) and said in a halting voice , " You have to understand , we love Zack more than you could know . " Carol gave her a questioning look . Rachel finished Miriam 's thought . " If it wasn 't for Zack , we would both be widows . " " Yea , he lost it carrying Bobby back . Bobby felt so guilty that he ruined Zack 's careered . " Rachel looked at Carol in surprise and said , " You didn 't know why Zack is out ? " Carol smiled , " Zack and I haven 't seen each other in years . And tonight we didn 't have much time to catch up . " " Oh my god , please forgive me … " Rachel said in a soft voice . Carols smiled , " There is nothing to forgive . It is wonderful that you have such concern for him . I realized that he had a crush on me when was in high school , I Was his home room theacher and I will say that I am rather fond of him . I 'm sorry if I misled you . " I asked Carol to dance , it was a fast dance and right after that a slow song started . I looked at her and we stepped closer . I put my arm around her and took her hand in mine . When we started to dance we were a bit apart but by the end our bodies were close . I could feel her warmth as I held her close . As we moved with the music I became very comfortable holding this wonderful woman in my arms . The smile on her face and the way she was holding me , I don 't think I was wrong in thinking she felt the same way . It was a little after mid - night when Carol and I said good - bye to the others . There were a lot of hugs , kisses and tears . As they were getting into the car , Rachel gave Carol one last hug . She looked at her and said , " I still think you make a beautiful couple … and I know that I will hate myself in the morning … think about it … what will make you happy . " Carol just smiled at her . As we started to walk away , I turned to look at the car one last time and I stumbled over my own feet . Carol caught me and prevented me from falling . We laughed and she took hold of my hand . " I better hold on to you , I can 't have you falling and not being able to give your talk . " Then she looked at me and asked with a slight giggle , " Tell me Zack , is it me or do you always fall over things . " I gave her hand a little squeeze and said , " It 's you . " We walked back to the hotel hand in hand , through the lobby and into the elevator . Carol was on the seventh floor and I was on the thirtieth . We were the only people in the elevator . When it arrived at the seventh floor the door opened , Carol smiled at me . She put her hand on my cheek and moved toward me . She lifted her face and I lowered mine . Our lips met . The kiss was soft and loving . She then pulled back . At first I thought that I saw fear in her eyes . But , then I looked at her and she was smiling . Her eyes showed something , but I wasn 't sure what it was . " Good night Zack , thank you for a fantastic evening . I don 't know when I have had so much fun or when I have spent an evening with someone so wonderful . " She turned and walked out of the elevator . I watched her walk down the hall until the doors closed and the elevator took me to the thirtieth floor . The doors opened and I walked to my room in a fog . It was like I was on autopilot . I was just going through the motions , completely taken by what just happened . I had kissed Carol . I had been kissed by the most beautiful woman in the world . I lay back on the bed and I know that I fell asleep , because in an instant daylight was filling the room . I looked at the clock it was only eight thirty . I had about two hours before Carol gave her talk . I wasn 't about to miss that . I was going to be there if I had to break the doors down . I showered , dressed and went down to the restaurant to get a light breakfast . As I went into the restaurant I was met by a group of the symposium organizers . They wanted me to join them for breakfast . Of course I did . Then I saw Carol come in with a group of people . They were talking and it was obvious that they were conference officials . She saw me and when our eyes met she smiled and waved . We had breakfast with our separate groups . After breakfast , I went and found Carol in the lobby . I went over to her and we lightly hugged . She giggled , " I 'm so nervous about giving this talk . It 's not like being in the classroom , here I 'm speaking to my peers . They know as much about my subject if not more than I do . " Then one of the conference organizers came over and said they were ready for her . She asked if I would like to sit in and I replied , " Nothing would make me happier . Now I won 't have to sneak in . " I went into the auditorium and found a seat . A few moments later , the woman who took Carol , came out and introduced her . She introduced her as Dr . Carol Williams , OSB . Carol stood at the dais and looked around the crowd for a moment . She spotted me and smiled . Then she started talking . I could understand some of it , but then she started to speak Greek . Actually , discussing set theory and transfinite numbers … it was all Greek to me . But I didn 't care , I was in heaven watching and listening to her . The woman screamed , " Oh my god , I see what you mean , you have made it so cle … " She then looked around and said in an embarrassed voice , " I 'm sorry , I just get so excited sometimes … forgive me . " And she sat down . A short time later Carol 's talk ended . She received a standing ovation . Then the questions started . For the next half hour she answered all of the questions asked . We went out for a light lunch , as neither of us had much of an appetite . She was coming down from her excitement and I was starting to get nervous . Carol was telling me that I would do well and that they would love me . She was doing for me what I had been doing for her . We went back to the hotel and went in to the auditorium . I met with the organizers and about a half hour later , I was walking to the podium . I spied Carol sitting near the back and everything was fine . After I finished talking and answering the numerous questions , the crown thinned out , going to various meeting rooms . I was alone in the auditorium . Carol walked over to me and we hugged . We looked into each other 's eyes , our lips came together and we kissed . This was not a light , easy kiss , it was filled with love and passion . I held on to her tightly and she was pushing her body into mine . Then a door slammed open and we jumped apart , both feeling a little awkward . I took her hand in mine and we walked out to the lobby . As neither of us were interested in any of the breakout sessions that afternoon we walked hand in hand around down town St . Louis . Even though it was mid - April weather was prefect , cool and dry . We found a small park and sat and talked . I told her a sanitized version of the training , the times I was overseas and a very tame version of the times that I had been wounded and finally about the knee . She told me about being sent to Butte Montana for two years after getting her Masters . Then to UCLA for her Doctorate . Finally , she was sent to a small university outside of Santa Fe , where she is now . We ended up going to Busch Stadium , the home of the Cardinal 's and got tickets for that night 's game . They were playing Cincinnati , Carol 's hometown and she was a big fan of the Reds . After a fantastic dinner , I have no idea if the food was any good , I don 't even remember what I ordered , we made our way back to the ball field . The game was close , but the Reds were able to pull it out , much to Carol 's delight . We were back at the hotel around 11 : 00 pm . When we got into the elevator , a crowd followed us on . It was jammed , in fact two people had to get off as it was over weight and the doors wouldn 't close . Carol and I were pressed together and I put my arms around her . She rested her head on my chest and held me . Many of the people on the elevator had been enjoying the convention and some were a bit drunk . When we got to the seventh floor , I had to push my way out of the elevator . As I did someone grabbed my ass and gave it a squeeze . I jumped and there was a lot of giggling , especially from Carol . We got off the elevator and stood there looking at each other . I took her in my arms and pulled her close . She smiled up at me as I lowered my face and kissed her . It was a hard and lustful kiss . I felt her tongue slip across my lips and I opened my mouth allowing her to enter . I caressed her tongue with mine and we explored each other 's mouth . They danced , wrestled and embraced . We made love with our tongues . She pressed her body into mine , as I did the same to her . Posted in romance novella | Tags : oral , romance novella | No Comments » 14 Days on the Mountain Pt . 08 March 5 , 2013 | Author sexstory Before you read this work , please note that it is adult oriented and very sexually explicit . Also , it is very lengthy and broken into 10 ' parts ' that should be read in order . Most of them will stand on their own , but certain nuances of the story will be better understood if each part is read in succession . I awoke the next morning with a ' morning woody ' that , from what I 've read , happens frequently to most men . Tiffany was still sleeping next to me , laying on her side with her back to me . I rolled onto my side , spooned my hard - on into her warm butt crack and put my arm around her , feeling for her tits . As she began to stir , I started nuzzling her shoulder and neck , placing soft kisses and gentle nibbles on them . " Mmmmm … " came the sound from her before she stretched her right arm high into the air above us . " Good Morning , " I said , continuing to snuggle and fondle her teenage body . " Mmm … Morning , " she sleepily replied as she lowered her arm , placing her hand on top of the one I had on her breast . " What time is it ? " she wanted to know . " I don 't know , but I think I smell bacon , " I told her . After playing around with each other for a brief period we decided that breakfast was in order , so we started to gather ourselves to make our morning appearance . Tiffany pulled my T - shirt on and I threw on the shorts from the night before , and we exited my room . We headed downstairs , stopping of at the john on the way . As we descended the staircase , it was obvious that I had indeed smelled bacon frying , it 's unmistakable aroma filling the air . We could hear voices and laughter coming from the kitchen and , from the sound , it seemed that we were the last to arise . But , in self defense , we were the last to turn in as well . We rounded the corner into the kitchen and were greeted by the group . Saying our ' Good mornings ' to everyone , I couldn 't help being caught a little off guard . To my surprise , and Tiffany 's too I think , Kelly and Cheryl were nude , except for Cheryl 's full length apron that she wore to keep the bacon from splattering her with hot grease . Glancing around again , I found that Paul and Tom were also in the buff , with Dave wearing only a towel around his waist . Mark was leaning against the far wall sporting only a very tight pair of Speedo style swim trunks that barely could contaiProceeding she said , " He had cum twice and was out of it , but neither of us had gotten off . " " Quick shooter , huh ? " I chuckled , referring to the guy . " Yeah he was , " she flatly replied before moving on with her story . " Anyway , she asked me if I was willing to try something she had seen done and wanted to try . I was game so she lubed up her hand and stuffed it inside of me . " I was listening intently now and prodded , " And ? " " Not knowing what she was doing , she was a little too rough , but when I asked her to take her hand out , I had the most powerful orgasm , " she admitted with a chirp . " Then she asked me to do her . I was a little scared , but she really wanted me to do it . And after the way I had cum … I couldn 't keep that from her . " As the conversation continued , she told me in great detail how she had fisted her friend to a mind blowing orgasm . Then she rolled onto her side and propped herself on one elbow to continue , " A couple of months later I tried it on Mom and she loved it too . " " Has she done you ? … Your mom , that is , " I questioned . " Not really . She tried , but her hands are too big , " the girl returned with a bit of lament in her voice . " But we keep working at it and pretty soon I 'll be able to take her , " she grinned . Again my mind filled with visions of the full - bodied Cheryl with her hand stuffed up the small framed blonde 's pussy . At the same time my dick began to fill with blood , pushing out the front of my shorts . " That 's something I 'd love to see , " I confessed . " How long have you and your mom been … . " I was sort of at a loss for words , not wanting to seem crude . " … fucking together ? " the teen completed my question . " For a while now , " she vaguely answered . Glancing around , she whispered , " You can 't tell anyone else ; Okay ? " I nodded my agreement and she went on . " Actually , since just before I turned seventeen , " she confided , and I could see why she didn 't want me to tell anyone else . " Mom caught me with my boyfriend , " sheAt this point I was hanging on every word and was almost expecting a punch line to come at any moment . If I hadn 't been a party to the activities of the last several days I would have thought her tale was , shall we say , imaginary . But somehow , I knew that she was telling me the truth . " So she taught you all about the finer points , huh ? " I interjected . " Yep . And a whole lot more ! " the girl chuckled , then moved on with her story . " After about six or seven months , Mom knew that I needed more than female companionship and let me bring a guy home , but with one condition … " She paused and stared out across the lake , as if reflecting on the moment . " You should have seen the look on his face when he found out Mom was going to be present when he screwed me , " she laughed . " The next time I brought him home , Mom joined in and he got to do both of us . " " Lucky boy ! " I stated with a grin , speaking from experience . " For the last year or so , Mom and I have shared several guys , and a few girls , " she concluded . Wanting more sordid tales of her youthful escapades , I pressed her further , asking , " So what 's the craziest , wildest thing you two have been involved in ? " " This vacation ! " she said with a chortle . " But there was one time ; I had just turned 18 , " she began . " We were at this party and the later it got , the drunker and bolder the men got . They kept feeling up all of the women as we danced , " she told me . " To be honest , their groping had me really horny and I was ready for a good fuck , " she stated brusquely . " One thing led to another , and before long , Mom and me were in the middle of them , stark naked , dancing with each other , " she said . " It wasn 't long before we were both sucking and fucking a long string of guys . I must have screwed fifteen guys that night . There were guys of all shapes , sizes and colors having their way with us , and at times we were having at each other too . " she related , as my excitement grew . Tiffany went on with her story , " By the time it was all over with , both of us were covered in their cum . " Then , with a bit of a laugh , she admitted , " Boy , was my pussy sore the next day ! " Looking down and picking at the towel she expounded further , saying , " But the down side was that almost every guy I sucked wanted to cum in my mouth . And some of them literally held my head to keep me from moving while they did . That 's why I don 't let just anyone do it now . " She explained , " It 's not that I mind doing that ; It 's just that I want to be in control of it , I guess , " finishing with a shrug . " Well , I know I sure enjoyed it that day on the trail , " I told her , genuinely appreciative , but in hopes of getting the treatment again before we left . " Thanks , " she said with a contented smile , and then shyly acknowledged , " Well , just so you know , of all the lovers I 've had , you are probably my favorite , " before smirking , “… so far . " Then she sat up , crossing her legs ' Indian style ' , and looked at me with a serious look . " That brings up something " There is something that I 've never done , but always wanted to try , " she confessed quietly . I sat there silently , waiting to find out what the ' something ' was . Finally she said , " I 'm a little embarrassed to ask , " and I was stunned . I didn 't think anything could embarrass this little nymph , at least not when it came to sex . But , I encouraged her to tell me , saying , " It 's okay , you can ask me anything . " Without looking up , she said , " What you did to Kelly yesterday . I want you to do it to me . " Now I was really taken back and stammered , " You mean anal sex ? " I figured , with her experience , she would have tried that long before now . " Uh - huh , " came her meek reply . My mildly hard penis came to full attention as I sat there dumbfounded . I certainly wanted to do the deed , but I didn 't want her to know just how eager I was to aid her in adding butt - fucking to her sexual repertoire . So , with an air of indifference , I assured her that I would be happy to help . She looked up with a wide smile and lurched forward to give me a big hug . You would have thought I 'd just rescued her puppy from a burning building or something . Then she noticed my tented shorts and slipped her hand inside . " Looks like you 're ready to get started , " she croaked as she pulled on my pecker . Most people would have wanted a little privacy , but if she didn 't mind doing it right here , neither did I . I pushed her back onto the towel and then stood to remove my shorts . I had no more than dropped them on the dock before she pulled my dick into her mouth . Her lips moved effortlessly up and down my shaft for a few minutes and then I pulled free and started to crouch , guiding her back as I lowered myself between her legs . I slid back so that my face was positioned in her crotch and started licking up and down her bare slit . She sighed deeply and let out a low " Mmmm … . " . I wanted to take my time and make sure that she was really hot before attempting an anal entry , so I munched her hairless pussy until she was grunting and groaning , her juices flowing freely . When I felt she was sufficiently turned on , I decided to turn up the heat a notch , just to be sure . I slid up her body and inserted the tip of my cock into her wet hole , just teasing her with the first few inches for a short time , then slowly built up the length of my strokes until I was nearly fully inserted . Knowing that her tits were a hot spot , I lowered my head to her chest and started biting and sucking on them . It didn 't take much of this before she was moaning and twisting beneath me and I knew that she was climbing toward release . I didn 't want her to cum yet , though , so I stopped what I was doing and just laid there , kissing her , with my dick deep in her vagina . " Are you ready ? " I asked , knowing that she was . " Uh - huh , " she replied , but still sounded a tad uncertain to me . So I kissed her again , our tongues wrestling back and forth , letting her settle down just a touch . Then I went back to her tits with my teeth and started to slide my pole in and out of her hot little box . Again , it wasn 't long before she was climbing steadily toward orgasm and , again , I stopped and questioned her ; " Are you ready ? " " Oh yeah ! … I 'm ready … . Do it now , Mike , " she moaned . I was a little more satisfied with her exuberance this time , but continued to tease her for the next few minutes . I kept her right on the edge of climaxing until she wailed , " Fuck my ass … . please , Mike , fuck my ass ! " Now I felt she was truly ready and replied simply , " Turn over . " After I withdrew my cock , she pulled her legs up and quickly rolled her body , assuming a doggie - style pose . I raised to my knees and , at that moment , had a disheartening thought ; We had no lube . I knew there was no way that I would be able to get in her virgin asshole without any lubrication , and was about to break the bad news to her when I remembered the tanning oil she had been using . I glanced around and found the bottle and picked it up . I flipped open the top , turned back to Tiffany 's delectable backside and squirted a small amount into the cleft of her ass . Still holding the bottle in one hand , I rubbed the oil between her butt cheeks with the other , and she wiggled her hind - end with an " Oooo ! " I dribbled a little more of the oil into her crevice and rubbed it liberally into the rosebud of her anus . She drew in a quick breath and then let it out , " Mmmm … . " she mewed . After I had the opening well covered , I pressed my finger into it gently , with surprisingly little resistance . Slowly , I worked more and more of the digit into her until I could go no further . I stopped to let her anus adjust to me and then began a slow movement , pulling out and sliding back in , adding oil as I did . I wanted to be sure this was an enjoyable experience and applied the oil generously , working it into her until it squished audibly with each insertion . Tiffany had been relatively silent during this ' loosening up ' cycle and I wondered if she was having second thoughts . My concern was removed when she looked over her shoulder and lustily said , " Put your cock in me . " I extracted my finger and squirted a fair amount of the fluid into my palm , which I rapidly slathered on my rigid dick . I snapped the bottle closed and tossed it aside before positioning myself to enter the teenager 's rectum . As I moved my dick head between her cheeks , she lowered her upper torso onto the towel , leaving her lean little ass hiked up in the air and wide open . I smeared the oil over her anus one last time and pressed the glistening head of my pecker against her wrinkled hole . I exerted a little pressure and the tip began to slip inside of her . She gasped as the head popped into her virgin opening , and I paused to let her relax . After several seconds , I could feel her anal muscles begin to loosen their grip on the end of my penis , and she confirmed , " Okay . " I once more applied the pressure and , ever so slowly , began filling her ass with my shaft . " Oh godduhhh … " she grunted as I neared halfway home . I stopped again , thinking she needed to adjust to my increased diameter , but the blonde insisted , " Keep going … . Oh God , keep going . " I wasn 't going to argue and pushed more of my pole into her backside . Her eyes were squeezed shI pulled my dick out until just the head was still inserted and paused , then slid about halfway in again . " Ohhhhh … " she moaned . I repeated this process three or four times and then began increasing the depth of each stroke until I was pushing nearly all of my meat into her with each thrust . As I found my rhythm , Tiffany was becoming more and more vocal , wailing , " Oh … Oh … Oh , " over and over , punctuating my drives into her tight asshole . At one point she broke the cycle , calling out loudly , " Oh god , Mike … . Fuck my ass … . Fuck my ass good ! " |
Here I pour out my heart . It contains both immense joy and great sorrow . God has walked with us every step of the way never leaving our sides , even for a second . I believe Jesus is the same , yesterday , today and forever ! I will believe , hope and have faith . . . . . even still . My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place , when I was woven together in the depths of the earth . Your eyes saw my unformed body ; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be . Psalm 139 : 15 , 16 Then Jesus said , " Did I not tell you that if you believed , you would see the glory of God ? " John 11 : 40 See , I have written your name on the palms of my hands … Isaiah 49 : 16a In Jan of 2000 we had moved to a new city . It felt like we had been waiting forever for that second little line to show up on the stick . Many trips had been made to the Dr . 's office to have a pregnancy test done and many done at home . The response from the Dr . was like a little knife to my heart every time , " I 'm sorry honey , it 's negative . " In June 2001 , she finally came through the door with a smile on her face and my heart did a little skip . This time her news was the happiest I had heard in a long time ! " You are pregnant ! ! ! ! Congratulations ! " I wanted to do a happy dance right there in her office , but it probably would have been rather like Kathrine Heigl in The Ugly Truth , so I restrained myself and waited till I left the office . ( I imagine they have some hilarious security camera footage from the elevator though ! ) My first ultrasound on June 19 showed me to be 5 weeks along . I was sent back to Regina to see the specialist once a month and had an appt with my local Dr . once a month as well . I was monitored through ultrasound and bloodwork . I did have some spotting early on around 10 weeks but it did not last long . I had no morning sickness whatsoever , thank God ! I felt wonderful . I enjoyed every moment of my pregnancy with her . We had decided early on that we did not want to find out if we were having a boy or girl . I wanted to have a surprise . We had a list of names as long as both of our arms put together . We slowly narrowed them down to about three choices for each sex . About a month or so before Jinaea was born , I had a dream about this little baby girl who had dark wavy hair . She was beautiful . I was determined not to fear . I would not fear miscarriage . God had brought us this far and I would not give up on his miraculous power now . We continued praying the prayers in the supernatural childbirth book and speaking scripture over this little life that was growing inside me . On Sept 11 , 2001 I was about 4 months pregnant . I turned on the T . V . and found out , like everyone else in the world , that life would never be the same . I sat glued to the T . V . , tears pouring down my face as I wept for the lives that were lost that day and for their families . I imagine that pregnancy hormones played a part in it as well , but my tears continued for weeks as more and more was revealed of the tragedy that our brothers and sisters on the other side of the border were facing . There were many stories of women having babies in the weeks following or women who were pregnant , whose babies would never meet their daddies . It broke my heart to think of these women and men who had such big dreams for their futures and now that future was going to be so drastically different . At the end of October of 2001 we moved to our current city and settled in . Greg had started a new career , self employed as a Farrier . We came here because the business opportunities were more abundant . We moved into a small two bedroom townhouse and began to prepare for our baby to join us . About mid November I could wait no longer , I set up the baby 's room . I remember going into the room often just to run my fingers over the soft blankets and make sure the little stuffed animals that were waiting in the crib were placed perfectly . I took out all the little clothes I had been storing since our other babies and washed them . I felt joy well up in my heart and tears in my eyes as I gently placed them into the empty drawers again . December 2001 , I was now 7 months pregnant . Yay , we made it this far with no trouble . Our baby was healthy and growing by the week . I was still seeing Dr . A in Regina , now every two weeks . Little did we know our lives were about to change forever on Dec 12th . I will give you a brief write up here but will share the complete story on another entry . Greg had played floor hockey with a men 's group on Dec 11th . When he came home that night , he was in severe pain to the point where he was having trouble breathing . We thought it was from his shoulder . Through the stress of the next few months , I could have very easily experienced complications with the pregnancy , but God protected our baby . I prayed so hard for my husband during those months , but also for our baby . I knew that I could not protect our baby in the way that it needed to be and so I prayed . I could not do this in my own strength , but He could . Our baby was due Feb 16 , 2002 . I was supposed to deliver our baby in Regina and so we packed up and headed in to stay at our cousin 's house until the baby came . I was as ready as I could be . I didn 't know what life was going to look like in the future anymore , but I knew the One who held my future in His hands and I trusted him with all my heart , soul and strength . Don 't get me wrong , there were moments that I was freaking out inside , but I knew that trust in Him was the only thing that was going to carry me through . As the days continued passing by and no sign of our little one joining us yet , I was getting very impatient . I just wanted to hold our baby in my arms and see it 's face . It was so hard to wait ! ! ! On Feb 25th I went to see Dr . A . and he told me they were going to induce me the next day . He did not feel our baby was in danger , however he did think it was best to deliver it as soon as possible . We went back to the house to get things ready and head to the hospital . We were waiting for the phone call to tell us what time to come in , but instead of telling us that , they called to tell us that I would not be getting induced the following day as planned . I was so disappointed . I was in tears . The head of L & D had overruled my Dr . and said I could not come in . I was mad actually . There was nothing more I could do and so we settled in for another night hoping I would go into labor on my own . The next day I was to go back in and see Dr . A . He told us the same thing again , that we would be induced the following day . We headed back to the house to wait for the phone call the next morning . When they called and they told us the induction plan was canceled again . My Dr . had tried to convince the head of L & D that there was no concern that our baby was small , it would not need an incubator , but that he just wanted to deliver it A . S . A . P . to avoid any complications . I was now 9 days overdue and the head of L & D said that if by the 28th I had not gone into labor naturally , that he would let me come in for the induction . Around 4 in the afternoon on the 26th ( when I was in the middle of a pity party inside my heart and outside on my face too ) we got a call from Dr . A again . He informed us that he had talked with a colleague back in our home town and that if we got there by 6p . m . they had agreed to induce me . We packed up and headed out ! I still was praying that I would go into labor on my own and God is faithful . About half way home , my contractions started . We made it to the hospital and got settled into the room on L & D . The Dr . attending the birth was Dr . L . I was not sure what to expect because this was our first meeting . I had built myself up to being ready to give birth with a Dr . in attendance that I had been seeing for years and trusted . I was having difficulty switching that trust to this situation . It was a bit scary for me actually . They determined that as long as I was progressing at a rate they were comfortable with , they would not turn on the drip . I wish I had taken the time to make a birth plan and talk to more people about their birth experiences before I went in . I had been present at one birth previously , however it was different when I was the one on the bed . If you are reading this and are expecting a baby , particularly your first , please take the time to inform yourself . Talk openly with other women to find out what birth was like for them . Educate yourself and make decisions you feel comfortable with for your baby 's birth . If you do this , things will feel more in control and you will have more confidence during your laboring hours and delivery . I would strongly suggest hiring a doula and I can recommend an absolutely wonderful one if you decide to go that route . I wish I had done so . I did progress for the most part at a rate they were satisfied with and was handling the labor well . I took no pain med intervention and felt good about that . My mom had arrived at the hospital and was walking the halls with me , holding my hand and rubbing my back or getting me ice water . I was so glad to have her there because Greg could not handle all the walking or long periods of standing . ( You will understand why in my post later on about his health ) When I had been in labor about 20 hours , Dr . L . decided I was no longer progressing fast enough and turned on the drip . Now the labor quickly became much more intense . About half an hour before Jinaea was born , I conceded to the epidural . They called for the anesthetist , but he was in surgery and could not come for half an hour more . The nurse checked me at about 5 : 25p . m . and said I was about 8cm dilated . About ten minutes later I told her I felt like I needed to push . She said , " Oh no , you are not ready to push yet . " I told her I couldn 't stop it . She lifted the sheet and said , " Oh my ! " She called for the Dr . I had not screamed or yelled or even moaned loudly up til this point in labor . I pushed once and her head was out . As it came out , I let a small scream out and the nurse beside me said , " Really Michelle . That is not necessary . " I then did something that felt like a completely natural thing for me to do . I reached down to feel the baby 's head , only to have my hand swatted away by the Dr . saying " Keep your hands out of here , that is unsanitary . " These are two of the things which I think maybe would have been different had I developed a clear birth plan and shared it with the Dr . when I got to the hospital . I also think that having a Doula there with me would have made a huge difference in my confidence in myself and my body 's God given ability to birth . One more push and she was out . They whisked her away and continued with me . I had to have 1 stitch and there was a little bit of problems with the placenta and bleeding a bit more than normal after . They did have some blood on hand just in case . " IT ' S A GIRL " My heart melted . . . . . I couldn 't wait to see her and hold her . Greg was the first one to be able to hold Jinaea . It was a beautiful thing to watch his heart be stolen by this perfect , tiny human being who was part him and part me . She was 8lbs . 1 . 5oz and 20 . 5in long . She was born at 5 : 34p . m . February 27 , 2002 . It is so amazing to be writing this out and remembering back to all the times God has seen us through trials and hard times . Sometimes I think we tend to forget all the miraculous things God has done and how much grace and mercy we have been given . We get so caught up in what is happening now , sometimes losing the focus of where our trust needs to be . He is our sanctuary that we need to run to . We need to abide in Him because if we do , the trials are not so hard . We have learned and grown throughout the years enough to be able to trust at the first sign of trouble , but that does not mean that the devil does not try to plant seeds of doubt . Our part is to resist . I was back in hospital for 9 more days after the hemorrhaging . There was still a chance of me needing a blood transfusion if my hemoglobin did not come up quickly enough . I later learned that my step dad had offered to donate blood for me if I needed him to . That really meant a lot to me . I thought it was such a very loving gesture . There wasn 't much else he could do for me , but he offered what he could . I love him for that . I spent my days eating iron rich food to try and bring my hemoglobin back up and resting . Each day brought a better report of my levels climbing back to normal . After about 5 days , I had enough balance that I could go to the washroom and shower by myself again . It was a very long haul for Greg as well . He spent as much time as he could with me between sleep and work . He was there by my side through it all . I am so thankful for him . He helped me so much through those days . Like my brother , he brushed my hair for me , helped me with daily routine things , prayed with me , read the Bible with me , entertained me , brought me yummy food , took me on many walks in the wheelchair to break up the hours . Toasted bagels with cream cheese became my favorite snack ! We have some good " date " memories while I was there . He has continually loved me and supported me through many hard situations in life . I cannot imagine walking this road without him by my side . Another person I need to mention on here is my mom . When I first went into the hospital and they had found the tumor , I did not want to be alone . My mom stayed with me as long as she could in the room and then when the nurses told her she could no longer be there , she slept in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room , just for me , in case I needed her . I love my mom lots , she has been there by my side through every difficult circumstance in my life , never waivering in her love . She has prayed me through a few near death experiences now ! Sometime I want to get her to write about when I was a baby and almost died and I want to post it on here too . I was glad my close family was there with me when I was in that ER room , it brought me comfort . In those scary moments , I knew that should I die there in that room , ( other than my brothers and " married in " parents ) everyone I would have wanted to see in my last moments was right there with me . I had many visitors throughout my time in the hospital and to each of you I say a big thank you ! Being in the hospital , the days can get very , very long and it was so nice to have it broken up by company . Dr . A came to see me on the second day after I came back to the hospital to discuss his plan with me . He told me we needed to keep the bleeding under control for an extended period of time to ensure it would not start again . The medication that he suggested to do that with was called Lupron . It would put me in menopause for six months . I would receive one injection a month for six months . I asked him how long it would be until we could continue our dream for a family . He told me I needed to have 3 normal periods after my last injection before we should start trying again for a baby . ( I am grateful to live in a province where I don 't have to pay up front for medications . Each Lupron shot was somewhere around $ 348 . 00 according to my receipts . Yikes ! Thank you province of Saskatchewan ) Well , each of the next six months I faithfully made my way to the drugstore to pick up my Lupron shot and then to my Dr . 's office to have Dr . A . administer it . ( It has to be given in a " z " pattern . . . can you say OWWWW ) After the six months was up , it took me about a year before I had three normal periods . We initiated operation baby Dueck as soon as we could . It seemed it was taking forever for me to get pregnant . I was very frustrated at times , but trying to maintain a positive outlook knowing I just had to trust that it would happen in His timing . I confess I was not always happy and positive though ! My friends around me were popping out babies left , right and center . There were young teen mom 's around me having babies that they didn 't even want , and here I wanted one so badly . I didn 't understand . . . . . Let me back up for a moment . When I got out of the hospital after April died and back to regular life , it was such a whirlwind that I did not really take time to allow myself to grieve properly . I did not even know what that meant . I wish we had found a support group then because physical feelings and emotions would have made a lot more sense to me if we had . I had no idea what to do with the storm that was inside of me , I didn 't know what it even was . I don 't think I would have called it grief if you had asked me then . I just thought something was wrong with me and that I was turning into a horrible and somewhat crazy person . I was happy for those around me having babies , but at the same time was jealous . I wanted someone to understand how terrible I felt . There was this huge emptiness inside of me that , according to those around us , we were just supposed to get over . I didn 't want to leave my house , if I was in the mall or at church and someone was approaching with a baby , I had to turn away . I could not even look . If I heard a baby cry , it made me almost physically sick . I had to do some deep breathing and concentration to not vomit . I had dreams where I would see my dead baby . I thought I was going crazy . There was absolutely no way I could hold a baby , being near one made some sort of anxiety attack happen inside me . I was trying to figure out how a person who wanted a baby so badly was feeling all these things . This was so opposite of the person I used to be and I didn 't understand it at all . Before , if there was a baby around , I was usually holding it and it brought my heart so much joy . I didn 't have anyone to talk me through this and tell me that what was happening was all normal . Well meaning people said all sorts of things to try to comfort or encourage us , but a lot of times it was insulting and hurtful . They would say things like , " Well , you can always adopt . " " At least you were spared from raising a handicapped child . " " You 'll have another . " " God just wanted / needed your baby more in Heaven . " " It was for the best anyway . " None of it made sense to me , and none of these statements brought me any comfort . This all was brought back to my memory as we sat in our grief support meeting at the beginning of this month . As the leader was talking , I began to have flashbacks of emotions and physical feelings . It all started to make sense to me . I was not horrible or crazy back then , I was grieving . I started having anxiety attacks . I don 't know exactly when they started but they grew so strong that I got to the point where I would have to pray myself to sleep . If Greg fell asleep before me , I would wake him because I couldn 't stand to be " alone . " He was so patient with me , fighting sleep and praying for me until I would fall asleep . He did not once tell me to get over it or leave him alone , he was just there right beside me for whatever I needed . ( Although there were jokes from time to time about buying a rubber mallet to knock me over the head with some nights ; o ) ) It got to the point where I had to sleep with my Bible under my pillow in order to get any rest . I didn 't know how to fight this fear that seemed to be taking over my life . A friend of mine had told me about a book called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize . She told me it had all kinds of wonderful prayers in the back of it that had really helped her through her struggles with getting pregnant . I finally got the book months later and in the back was a prayer to deal with fear . I think it took me about a year of praying that prayer before I felt strong again . I prayed the prayers in it every single night , I had them stored in my memory so that every time I started to doubt or felt fear coming against me , I knew exactly what to do . There is no doubt in my mind that God has delivered me from these attacks . I am so thankful for that . Fear really is torment , but it says in 2 Timothy 1 : 7 that God has not given me a spirit of fear . I knew that hsi fear did not belong in my life . 1 John 4 : 18 says " There is no fear in love ; but perfect love casts out fear , because fear has torment . But he who fears has not been made perfect in love . " My love is not yet perfect ! I have come a long way in being able to resist the spirit of fear when it tries to come on me , but I still continually need perfecting through Him . About the end of April or beginning of May 2001 I got pregnant again . WOOHOO ! ! ! Thank you Jesus ! I did not know what the future held for me , but I knew I could trust the One who did , no matter what . The day that we found out , we went out for supper with friends of ours to surprise them with the news and celebrate . We ordered our food and told them we had a surprise for them . We told them our good news and Dawnell squealed with delight and ran around the table to give me a big hug . It was an awesome reaction . Barry had one of the biggest grins on his face and promptly said that it must have been due to the kiss he gave me on the cheek a few weeks ago , what a guy . Every time the nurses would come in to check me , they would massage my uterus , to try and make it shrink , by pushing on my stomach . Each time they did , more blood and the clots were now getting larger . I thought , man , how much more of this stuff can be in there ! I guess my body was making them continually , trying to stop the bleeding on it 's own . They wanted to get a catheter started . This is not usually a problem . ( Insert embarrassed face here ) However , I had been bleeding so much and was being pumped so full of fluids , that I was too swollen and they could not get the tube in . There were about three nurses down at the bottom of my bed peering in my " under region " trying to find this elusive ureter . I promised them that I did not lose it on the ambulance ride in ! There was much pressing on my stomach , and many attempts but none of them worked . I was very uncomfortable to say the least , though it did bring some humor as we all laughed about how difficult this normally simple procedure was being . Finally Dr . A came through the door and within seconds it was in . Yay , I don 't think I had ever been so grateful for a catheter . The I . V . pump was working hard pushing fluids into both my arms , they were so cold from it running into my veins . I started to feel a lot more pressure again , this time more than ever . I started to sit up more so I could check if I was bleeding a lot again because everything felt very warm . . . . the effort I exerted pushed out something warm that covered the bed from the top of my thighs almost to my knees . I looked down and the white sheet was getting redder by the moment . I lifted the sheet and saw the clot and fear came on me . I started to hyperventilate as my mom ran to the door to get the nurses . They all came running into the room and yelled loudly for Dr . A to come in . He must have been able to see the fear in my eyes because he came in the door , his eyes in contact with mine the whole time as he crossed the floor towards me . He put his hand on mine and said " Do not fear Michelle . God is with you . Do not fear . " So many times throughout my life , God has given me the message , " Peace , be still . " In my humanity , I guess I still have not learned it completely even now . I try hard to trust completely , but I still fall short of that . As soon as those words were out of his mouth , I felt another wave of peace come over me . I cannot thank God enough that he orchestrated all of this before one moment of my time here on earth came to be . Even in the last six months He has reminded me again and again whenever I start to lose my way , " Peace be still , I am here with you . " I was laying on the bed in the ER trying to wrap my mind around all that was happening and what it could have / might mean for my life and my family . Tears started to pour down my cheeks as I thought about how broken my parent 's and my husband 's hearts would be if I were to die . I don 't know why the sorrow of that thought came so heavy on me but I literally felt weighed down by it . I wasn 't scared to die because I knew exactly where I was going if I did . I knew that I would be in the arms of my Heavenly Father in the blink of an eye and dealing with sickness no more . I just so badly did not want to cause that kind of pain to the people I loved very dearly . Maybe the reason it was so heavy is because I was comparing it to how lost I knew I would feel if any of them died . Maybe it was silly of me to put those emotions onto them , but for whatever reason I did . My mom had arrived at the hospital just before the whole catheter fiasco . I could see their pained expressions on the other side of the room . They gave me pitocin ( for those of you who do not know what it is , it is a drug used to induce labor , or in my case , to induce contractions ) by IV and by injection to try and shrink my uterus faster . Smaller uterus = less area to bleed from . Side note : the Dr . informed my husband that there are two places on a woman 's body from which she can bleed to death the fastest . Her head and her uterus . Greg says , " Phew , that cuts my chances of bleeding to death in half ! " Only my husband . . . . what a guy . Glad he can bring some laughter to situations that are heavy . The pitocin kicked in very quickly and my goodness , was it intense pain . I had never been through childbirth before so I had no idea what to expect . I asked Greg to sing to me so that it would distract me from the pain . It worked for a little while . I remember hearing my mom praying hard and my dad praying , holding my hand and trying to use pressure points to relieve the pain . I coped for as long as I could on my own and then they brought me demerol and put it in my IV . I was out of it in no time . My body was still hurting a lot , but I could not make my mouth work to tell them I was still hurting . I felt like I was one of those people who is awake during surgery , in pain but no way to communicate it . The coming hours were brutal . . . . Dr . A . decided that the bleeding was under control enough for me to be moved to a ward for the night so the porter came to get me . My mom and dad said their goodbye 's and promised they would be back the next day . The porter came to move me up to the ward . I was still not able to communicate and was very glad Greg stayed with me . I was hoping that in some way I could make him understand that I was hurting still . The porter started to wheel me through the doorway of my hospital room . The handle of the door came out making an h shape with the door . She did not notice that my arm was up on the rail of the bed as she pushed me through and skin of my arm became caught between the the handle and the rail . It took my brain a moment to register this crazy pain in my arm was different than the other pain and I cried out . Greg made a quick survey of the situation and noticed my arm was caught . The porter backed me up apologizing profusely . It has cut my arm and so she ran to get some gauze for me . She came back and taped it to my bleeding arm and with more apologies , left . ( In the morning when the nurse came in to give me a sponge bath , she said I should have had it stitched it was that deep , but it was already healing so there was no point . ) Greg waited till I was settled into the room and then left to go home to our house and gather some things for us . His cousin 's wife Wendy came to the hospital to be with me while Greg was gone . I have vague memories of her sitting in the chair . My cheeks are a little red thinking of what she must have witnessed that night . Delusional from the demerol , I was later told , I kept trying to pull out my IV 's and the catheter . ( I would have thought that with all the trouble they had getting it in , that I would have just left well enough alone ! ) I kept ripping off the oxygen hose and the blood pressure cuff . I am sure Wendy must have had her work cut out for her that night trying to convince me to stay in my bed . I felt like I had to pee and wanted to go to the washroom , but knew I couldn 't with all this stuff on me . I remember the nurse trying to explain to me that I had the catheter and didn 't need to get up to pee . I just knew I had to pee and didn 't want to pee the bed . By the time Greg got back to the hospital , they must have given me another dose of demerol thus making me calmer physically , but still unable to communicate the pain . I remember seeing Wendy sitting by the bed and then the next time I looked , it was Greg . The next morning , I thought I had been hallucinating and Wendy was never there . Greg told me she had been . Greg says I thrashed my head from side to side until about two in the morning . At that point he said he was starting to get frustrated because he had been praying and praying that God would ease the pain I was in with little to no difference . At about two , he says I spoke . He told me that I said , " Jesus please help me and take away my pain . " Immediately I lay still and the pain seemed to be gone . He said he sat there not knowing what to say , all his prayers that he prayed and what it took was me asking for myself . I have no recollection of praying that night . The next morning I woke up feeling very , very weak . I was still in pain but no longer was it from the contractions . My head was pounding like crazy because my iron was so low . The Dr . had written instructions for me to have iron shots for five days which left painful baseball size lumps at the injection sites in my hips . I was on Tylenol 3 for the pain , which didn 't really help at all . The second night back in hospital , I was all but begging the nurse for some more Tylenol . Greg had gone home because he had to work in the morning and was already running on very little sleep . It had been 5 hours since my last dose and the headache was full force . The daytime nurse had been giving me the Tylenol every four hours if I needed it , but the night nurse apparently didn 't think I needed it that often . This night would be a night my brother melted my heart with his love for me . My brother worked nights and called me a couple hours before he had to go into work . I was crying on the phone and explained why . He told me to ask the nurse again . I did and she still would not give me the Tylenol so he said he would be right down . Now my brother lives about 13 blocks if not more from the hospital . He did not have a car so he walked in record time to the hospital , an hour and a half before his shift at work , even though his work was in the opposite direction and he would not have much time . He had tears in his eyes as he hugged me when he walked in the room and then he went back out to find my nurse . He came and talked to my nurse politely and was able to convince her to give me the pain meds . He told me he loved me and he would be back when his shift was over . The next morning he came back as soon as he could and sat with me for the morning . I was so thankful to have him there when Greg couldn 't be . We were not extremely close before this point ( we had been closer as kids and then when the teenage years hit , look out ! ) but when one of us needed the others defense , there was not a moment 's hesitation . He did all the things that morTo be continued in part 6 . . . . . ( I promise , one more post and that should cover it ! ) I started praying asking God to help me just get upstairs . I now was starting to doubt the wisdom of my choice to leave the hospital . I made it to the upstairs washroom and my pants were again partially soaked in blood . I had clots coming out that were almost as large as a baseball . In the hospital they had told me to keep any clots that were coming out so they could monitor them and so I grabbed a bucket from under the sink and gave up sitting on the toilet and held the bucket under me . I didn 't know what to do anymore . I tried to put on a new pad thinking if I could just get laying down , this would stop . It was soaked in moments . I changed it , again the same thing . At this point the washroom was starting to look like a crime scene . The bucket was now about 1 / 4 full . I held it under me and started calling for my mom . No response . I looked down and the blood was now a constant small stream . I called again , nothing . I got out a towel and held it under me and tried to walk . My legs were so shaky , I couldn 't let go of the cupboard . My ears were ringing very loudly by this point and my eyes were getting black spots in them . I screamed for my mom , praying that God would make her hear me . I remember praying " Jesus I don 't want to die , help me ! ! ! " My mom came running up the stairs as the room was spinning around me and my knees were buckling . She held me up and helped me to my room and put me on the bed , towels packed against me to soak up the blood . They called an ambulance and the first responders showed up . Now that I was laying down , the bleeding had slowed somewhat and my head was not ringing so much . The first responders were so nice . They talked to me and kept me calm while we waited for the ambulance to drive from Regina . ( They got to the farm in about 25 minutes , it usually takes about an hour ) They loaded me in the ambulance and started off to Regina with Greg hot on their heels in our car . The paramedic in the back with me , Kurt , was trying to start an IV . My veins were not cooperating and the road was so bumpy . They pulled the ambulance over to the side of the road about a 1 / 4 mile from the farm . I heard the driver say , " I think I better go talk to your husband , he looks really worried . " Greg had hopped out of the car and was running to the ambulance , he thought something was wrong . The driver assured him I was okay and we would be on the road soon . Kurt was wonderful and I hardly felt the needle at all . The IV was in in moments and we continued on our way . The driver and Kurt were in communication with the Dr . at the hospital the whole way in . They updated him as we drove on what had happened and what they had done so far . The Dr . said that because of the amount of blood lost already , he wanted a second IV started so we pulled over again . The wonderful driver hopped out quickly so Greg wouldn 't worry ! We drove fast on the way to Regina , but once we hit the city it felt like we were driving a whole lot faster ! They put on the lights and sirens and we flew . The driver chuckled at one point and said , " Man , your husband is a little crazy ! He is keeping up with us no problem . " Because of the sudden change with the lights , sirens and pace of driving in the city , he thought that I had died . I felt bad for him once we got to the hospital and he told me that . He was so worried . At times I almost felt that I didn 't need to be concerned anymore with living through this hemorrhaging , through the ambulance ride ! We pulled into the ambulance bay at the hospital and the first face I saw was my dad 's who was waiting there for me . Sigh . . . . it did my heart good and was a comfort to see his face . ( I guess being an almost retired paramedic gets you certain privileges in certain restricted areas ; o ) ) I had an immediate sense of the peace of God as he walked in . He brought such an air of peace into the room , fear had no place there . Greg and my dad followed us into the room and stood to the side as they worked on me . They hung IV bags on the poles and were injecting me with things trying to slow the bleeding and get it under control . . . I still had a lot of pressure off and on and each time , more large clots would come with another rush of blood . . . . this was not going well . They called for 6 units of blood to be on hand . They checked my hemoglobin and it was down to 69 . ( which meant not much to me at the time , I had no idea ! Later on it meant a huge , constant headache and dizziness with light headed feeling ) I did NOT want a blood transfusion , I prayed God please help me again ! ! ! My Dr . came in to talk to me about the transfusion and said if the bleeding did not slow down very soon I would have to have one whether I wanted it or not . Normally he would give the blood if a person 's hemoglobin was around 75 . I remember one day I was given an injection of some type of gravol substitute medication . Whatever it was , I had a bad reaction to it . I remember feeling like I had to go to the washroom and throw up , I sat up on the edge of the bed to get up and the whole room started swirling . I really needed to get to the washroom because I had nothing to throw up in out in my room that I could reach . I could not figure out what was happening but I tried to stand and call for help but my voice wouldn 't work . . . it sounded so loud in my head but was making much sound . I stood and fell back on the bed , I stood again and fell over sideways onto the bed . I tried once more and by this time I must have been making quite the commotion . I hit the chair beside my bed and fell to the floor and let me just say I did not get to the bathroom before my stomach decided it would not hold it 's contents any longer . I was hardly feeling conscious anymore . My roommate called for the nurses and they came running . I only remember snippets of things from that point on . I could hear them but could not put my thoughts together enough to talk or keep my eyes open . They got me onto the bed somehow and were rubbing my sternum painfully trying to get me to respond . They kept calling my name and were checking me thinking I had started to hemorrhage again . Finally they decided I must be having a reaction to the medication and from that point on I remember nothing until the medication wore off . The morphine that they were giving me was causing me to hallucinate and I was so jumpy . Every little sound , even a pen dropping in the hallway sounded so loud to me , like someone banging cymbals together . I remember one time I woke up and looked over beside the bed where the chair sat . Greg was sitting there next to the bed and smiled at me when I opened my eyes , I talked to him for a few minutes and I think he even answered me back . I thought it was strange that he was there in the middle of the day when he should be at work . Then he showed up later on after supper to visit me . I told him it was sure nice to see him earlier and he informed me he was never there ! I must have sounded quite strange to my roommate having a conversation with myself . . I had been in hospital for about nine days when they did another ultrasound to check on the tumor . The tumor that was supposed to take two to three weeks to see noticeable improvement , had shrunk to almost nothing in the 6 days since the injection . The progress was miraculous . The bleeding had almost stopped by this point and I was feeling good . God is so faithful . There is not a doubt in my mind that God intervened on my behalf , giving the Doctor wisdom and also by speeding the healing process . I was so excited . I was starting to get very bored of seeing the same walls all the time and was looking forward to getting out . I asked Dr . A . if he had any idea when I would be able to go home . He told me that it was not time yet , he wanted to monitor things a bit longer . Then the weekend came . I did not see Dr . A . on Friday and another Dr . was making rounds for him . I was trying hard to be patient . . . . . I asked this Dr . if there was any indication of when I could go . My grandparents anniversary was that weekend and there was a big celebration out at my parent 's farm . He came back moments later and told me that I was free to go , I just had to wait for the nurse to come talk to me . I called Greg and told him he could come get me and we made arrangements to head out to the farm for the weekend . HOORAY ! Well , we had a good visit that night , I took it easy , but the bleeding picked up a bit , I thought just because of the traveling . By the next morning , I was feeling cramping again , but as long as I stayed on the couch and didn 't move too much , the bleeding wasn 't too bad . We had dinner with a large crowd of family and friends , lots of laughs , it was a great time . Then after dinner they wanted to take some family pictures . With so many family members around , it took some time to work through everyone , but finally it was time for our family . I made my way outside and lined up for the picture . As they said " Everyone say cheese ! " I began to feel light headed . I felt a warm rush . I knew I needed to lay down again and was hoping the bleeding would slow down once I did . As I laid down on the couch for a few moments , another rush of warm . I needed to get upstairs . I felt even stronger that He was with me . I had renewed confidence that things were going to be okay if I trusted in Him . Dr A . looked over all my tests results and then came to talk to me . He said , " I am going to talk with some other Dr . 's in other provinces tonight , who I think may have some wisdom in this situation , then I am going to go home and pray tonight . In the morning I will let you know what my decision is . " We phoned family and friends and asked them to pray with us . I didn 't want to die , but I did not want to have a hysterectomy either . I knew that God knew the desires of my heart to be a mommy . I spent most of the evening and night ( well when I could in between Morphine I . V . meds if you know what I mean ! ) crying and talking to God . He promised in Psalm 37 : 4 that if I delight myself in the Lord , that He would give me the desires of my heart . To me that meant , I needed to be satisfied with whatever the outcome and know that He knows my future . I needed to find the place where I knew I could be okay if I never had children , and I would be okay if I did . Either way , I could not let it change who God was to me . Honestly , part of me was just crying out " God , I want to live . There is so much more for me to do , I don 't want to die so whatever they have to do to fix this , do it . " Then the realization of what a hysterectomy would mean started to come back into the picture for me and I started to cry again . It meant I would never hold my ( biological ) baby in my arms , I would never hear my ( biological ) child 's first cry , I would never get to nurse them , I would never know what it was like to look at God 's perfect combination of Greg and I all packaged in a little warm bundle . In the morning Dr . A . came in and sat down on the bed to talk with me . " I have consulted with colleagues across Canada and through much discussion last night I believe we have a close guess . There are two things that we have narrowed it down to . The first is placenta accreta , the other is placenta increta , but neither of these completely maThis was so much to absorb . Death if they did nothing , a possibility of never having my own biological children , and I was still trying to absorb the shock that I had a tumor growing inside me . Unwanted , uninvited , unnecessary and unwelcome tumor . I am sure that everyone who hears those words feels the same way at some point . There really did not seem to be that much to discuss when Greg came to the hospital , we both wanted me to live ! We would go ahead with the injection . Forms were brought for me to sign , then they gave me the injection . In telling the stories of our babies , I also need to include some of the times in between babies too in order to give you a complete picture . I love telling about all the amazing miraculous things God has done in our lives . It is only by His grace and power that we are still here because what the devil had intended for evil , God is using for good . God has a unique plan for each one of our lives and in living that out , we sometimes face things we don 't like . If we continue to walk with Him , He will make a beautiful masterpiece of all that we thought was a mess . God does not just see us in this moment , He sees our entire life all at the same time , and our life is an intricate part of a master plan . Sit back it 's a bit of a long read , there 's lots to tell and I am so thankful there is ! I will have to do this in a few parts . . . After April died , I had a D & C on April 27 , 1999 . I knew some bleeding was normal afterwards but had no idea what the road was ahead . On May 14th I was still bleeding and went in to see the doctor from the E . R that had cared for me through April 's D & C . I will call him Dr . A . I was told that the bleeding was heavier , probably because there was a piece of placenta left in my uterus that was causing problems . I was sent for yet another D & C , my third one . I went home from the hospital after and days passed waiting for the bleeding to stop . On May 27th , exactly one month to the day we said goodbye to April , I drove Greg to work . The bleeding was still fairly heavy . I said goodbye to Greg and he left to go on a two day trip . I felt a rush of warmth and knew I needed to go to the washroom immediately because something was wrong . Thank God Greg 's cousin was the only other one working that day , it saved me some dignity ! I went to the washroom , my pants were soaked with blood by this point . I tried my best to clean up , but was not getting very far so I made my way back up the hall to leave . The rush of blood had seemed to slow for the moment . I knew I had to get to the hospital quick . Greg was already gone , we had no cell phone at that time , so there was no chance of him taking me , I had to go myself . Looking back this was a very dangerous move and if it were ever to happen again , I would call the ambulance or at the very least , someone to drive me . I called and asked my cousin to meet me at the hospital and got in my car apologizing for leaving a mess behind . . . ( I am sure I do not need to elaborate here ; o ) ) Greg 's cousin was worried about me and was not sure I should drive , but I felt okay so I said I would go straight to the hospital . They got me in almost right away at the hospital , though the bleeding was considerably slower by the time I reached the hospital . I was put in a room to wait for an ultrasound and a few other unpleasant procedures we women endure . The hard part for me , this was a teaching hospital and so being such , I got a new E . R . staff member who did not quite know what she was doing . The pain of the procedure that followed was immense as they tried again and again to get the specula at the right angle and even when they thought they found it , I was positive they didn 't because it felt as though they were trying to rearrange my hip bones . Finally it was done and I waited a while longer for the ultrasound . I was sent up about 2 hours later for the ultrasound and from that point on , I remember thinking God , this is not where I ever imagThey found a tumor in my uterus . In the two weeks since I had the last D & C , this tumor had grown to the size of a three month pregnancy . The pace of the medical staff started to pick up quickly . There were Dr 's coming in and out and muttering to each other in low tones discussing what they were seeing . There were students coming in and out , at least five different Dr 's came and looked at the screen and the images . Then they decided they needed a clearer image and a different view of the tumor so I had to have an internal ultrasound . Again , more Dr 's . I was starting to feel scared but was trying to resist fear as best I could . I knew that God held me in the palm of His hand . " Jesus I need you . You are my healer and this is not too big for you . " There are certain character attributes and fruits that only grow through trials . I don 't believe God made me sick , I believe that I can learn from that problem though if I have the right attitude when I am faced with it . God has healed me and protected me lots of different times throughout my life and I knew that this was no different . So , even though I felt fear there waiting if I wanted to allow it to come over me , I knew God was with me in that room as well and my life was in His hands . Trusting God has to be a decision that we make for our lives . Trust does not mean we continue to reason and look for answers to things . It can drive us crazy . It says in the Bible that we are to PUT our trust in God . We have to choose where we put our trust . I remember watching the ultrasound screen when they turned on the monitor to check the blood flow and there was a large amount of blood flow back and forth between this tumor and my uterus . The tumor almost filled my uterus and was joined to it all across the top and somewhat down the front wall . The Dr . I had seen in Emerg upon arrival decided that my case would best be handled by another specialist colleague of his , so he brought in Dr . B . Dr . B . was a very sweet lady OB / GYN and I was very thankful to see a kind face like hers . She was very caring in how she talked to me and tried to explain what she could about the things that were going on . The bleeding was increasing again . I was in quite a bit of pain . I was kept in hospital while they did over an hour long MRI and other tests . A couple mornings later Dr . B . came to see me again . She said they were still having trouble figuring out exactly what this tumor was and how to deal with it . She went on , " I need to talk to you very clearly and make sure you understand what we are facing here honey , this is very serious . We cannot doIt was Dr . A ! ! ! ! To be continued . . . . . . " I am sorry . Your baby has no heartbeat . " My heart and head felt like they were going to explode . I felt like I couldn 't breath , I was drowning in the sorrow that was crashing over my heart . I wanted to tell them to look again , there must be some mistake . This can 't be happening again . The doctor told me everything was probably fine . They told us to take our time , there was no rush for us to leave . Greg and I collapsed into each others arms and sobbed . We finally managed to gather ourselves enough to head to the elevator . A very pregnant woman was leaving just as we were with a big smile on her face . I stared at the floor of the elevator not wanting to make eye contact . She would hold her baby in her arms soon , and I never will here on earth . The realization of that hit me like a sucker punch to my stomach . I wished that I had asked for some pictures of our baby before we left the room so that we would have something . I also wished we had asked if it was a boy or a girl , but I was in so much shock at that moment . I felt that the baby was a girl . We phoned my dad and went to his office to tell him what was happening . He met us in the parking lot and wrapped me in his arms . Tears ran down his cheeks as well as he held me and let me babble on about how I didn 't understand and this can 't be real . I don 't remember much of what he said to me , but I do remember how tight he held me . We phoned mom and I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone . We talked to friends and our pastors . Our pastors said they would pray because God could restore life into our baby 's body . I certainly did not want to go without asking for that if it was a possibility and this walking in faith to this degree was new to us to some extent . The next day I was scheduled for another D & C . We spent the evening in prayer and reading the Bible to build our faith . We got to the hospital and I was admitted . They put me into a room in the E . R . and we waited . We took my Bible with us and read it , finding great comfort in the words on the pages . When the nurse came in , we asked if we could have another ultrasound to see if the surgery was still necessary . She said that there was not one planned . We told her what we had been praying for and why we wanted an ultrasound again . There was no way I was going in to this surgery without another ultrasound or we might as well have spit in God 's face and said we don 't believe You would do the miracle anyway . . . . but we did believe He could . The nurse said , " You can ask the Doctor , but when we have concrete evidence from yesterday that there was no heartbeat , it 's not likely to happen . It 's a waste of limited resources . " Then she left the room . We continued to pray and read the Bible . Soon the Doctor came in . He introduced himself to us and we did the same . Greg told him that we had asked the nurse about another ultrasound and that she told us to talk to him . Greg said , " We are Bible believing christians and we believe that God can put life where there is none . We also know that if that has not happened , that He will sustain us and carry us through it with His grace . " He returned a moment later with a stool . He set it down about two feet from Greg and sat down on it . He took the Bible from Greg 's hands and started flipping through it stopping to read a bit every few pages . After a brief silence , he looked up at us and said , " I believe that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday , today and forever . Because I feel you have a balanced faith , I will give you this ultrasound . " He then proceeded to share his testimony and pray with us for the next half an hour in the emergency room ! It was awesome ! I asked if I could just deliver the baby on my own , because I really did not want to have another D & C . I wanted to see our baby and hold it to say goodbye . I was told that there was too much risk of infection or bleeding and that if I bled too much that I would end up in surgery anyway . Knowing what I know today , I would have stuck by my choice to deliver the baby on my own , but being where I was , I did not . I was sent up to the ward to wait and Greg left to get a drink . When he returned he had a birthstone ring in his hand for the month of April . We decided that April would be a good name for her , Greg put the ring into his hat to keep it close . We cried some more and said our goodbyes to our baby . We told April how much we loved her . I remember thinking I felt her move again , I said something to the nurse and she said that it was impossible . Babies don 't move that early enough that the mom would feel it . It was my imagination . When surgery was done , I remember waking up in recovery feeling incredibly empty and broken . I cried and cried , so hard that I think I had the nurses worried . Everything was so fuzzy from the anesthetic , I alternated between sleep and awake for the next while . I remember rubbing my flat tummy saying , " I just want my baby back . Please give me my baby back , I miss my baby . . . " I remember the nurse coming and petting my hair and trying to reassure me . She dried my tears and asked if I needed anything , which opened a whole new floodgate of tears . I cannot explain how I got through the next while except by the grace of God . The peace that passes all understanding surrounded me and I felt like I was in a cloud for a few days . When the grief did hit me , it came hard . I felt anger , I felt empty , but through it all I felt love and hope . I had so many unanswered why 's . I knew it was not God that I should be mad at in this . " Congratulations ! ! You 're pregnant , " our doctor said . It was the beginning of February 1999 . I was scared , I was excited . Some fears started to come to about having another miscarriage ( because I didn 't know any better as far as how to fight it at that point ) . My doctor booked an ultrasound right away for me to see how far along I was . It was too early to tell . I went again two weeks later and it was determined that I was about 7 weeks . Joy once again consumed our hearts when we saw that little heartbeat ! Tears filled our eyes when we held the photo of our baby in our hands . Our baby was alive and growing . I found out I was due Sept 23rd , about the same due date as one of Greg 's cousin 's ! The doctor told us that if we made it past twelve weeks , we should be fine . I was so excited ! Soon we went out and bought maternity clothes as day after day passed and things were going fine . My tummy was getting firmer and a little more round each month . We talked to the baby all the time , telling her how we couldn 't wait for her to join us and that soon we would hold her in our arms . I was so sick with morning sickness , even soda crackers made me gag , never mind the mere mention of an egg that sent me running to the bathroom . I was put on sick leave from work right away so that I could rest and take it easy because by about 8 weeks I had a bit of spotting again . Once twelve weeks passed we breathed a sigh of relief . My doctor said , " Well we made it this far , we should be in the clear now ! " We asked the doctor if I could go with Greg on his road trips in the semi once in awhile as I was getting bored of sitting at alone . She said as long as we were driving on paved roads that were not rough . I remember laying in the bunk one night and feeling the baby kick for the first time . I would have been about 15 weeks . I had previously thought I felt something a few other times , but this time I was sure ! Wow what a moment . It was so incredible to feel life inside me . Greg tried to feel the kicks , but he couldn 't , it was too early . About a week later we were coming up out of a valley in the truck and at the top was this gorgeous , bright double rainbow . I had never seen one before in my life . My heart was reminded of the awesomeness of God 's promise to carry me through and his marvelous creation . On April 25th I started spotting again . I was scared to go to the doctor , but I made an appointment right away . She booked another ultrasound for the 26th of April . She said , " Just to be sure everything is okay . It is probably nothing , don 't worry at all . Spotting is normal during pregnancy . We went for the ultrasound and we were amazed at what we saw on the screen . Tears filling our eyes , we saw hands , feet , arms , legs a little face , a tiny spine . . . . . . so perfect in every way , except there was no fluttering where the heartbeat should be . I did not notice this right away though . I asked questions to the girl doing the ultrasound as she took lots of measurements of arms , legs , spine and head of the baby . She would answer yes or no but anything deeper , she kept telling me that she could not answer any questions , that I had to wait for the doctor . I had an uneasy feeling because with the other ultrasounds , they had talked me through them , told me what they were measuring , pointed out shots of hands or feet , etc . To me it seemed it was taking a very long time and she was taking so many pictures . I asked her where the heartbeat was and if we could see it . She again replied that we would need to wait for the doctor to come in . I felt fearful anxiousness welling up in me , I asked , " Is everything okay ? " Greg and I were married in August 1998 . We wanted to start our family right away . I did a test every month and the result always came back a disheartening negative . I know there are many who face this continually month after month , year after year and my heart goes out to them , I cannot imagine the weight of that . . . In early December , I went to the Dr for a UTI and she asked if I would take a pregnancy test . It came back positive and I was elated . I was only about 3 weeks pregnant at that point . I was sitting in the chair waiting for blood to be drawn and I put my hand on my tummy and whispered , " Hello little one ! " ( I whispered because I did not want the lab tech to hear me and think I was crazy talking to myself ! ) I wanted to surprise Greg with the results because he didn 't know I had taken the test . I could hardly keep it to myself ! ! I tried to be sneaky making Greg a card on the computer that night to give to him the next day . In the morning I gave him the card right away . It said , " Congratulations , you 're going to be a daddy ! We finally did it ! " We started to plan what we would need to buy and started looking at names . We sang " You Are My Sunshine " every day to the baby . This baby was to join our family July 7 , 1999 . By mid December I began spotting . The doctor told me she would monitor my hormones for a few days to see what was happening . On December 19th , when I went back to the doctor , she said I was having a miscarriage and that it was " Probably for the best . Your baby was probably retarded anyway . That is why most of these things happen . " I could hardly believe my ears ! How could anyone say something like that . Tears started to pour down my cheeks as I felt my dreams and hopes slip through my fingers . My doctor scheduled a D & C for me the following day . We went home and spent the night trying to absorb what we were facing . We said goodbye to our baby Asa on December 20 , 1998 . I was in shock over everything . People kept telling me , " Don 't worry , you 'll be pregnant again very soon . After a D & C it happens very quickly again . " I have been asked to share the stories of my three other babies in heaven so I am going to type what I have written in their memory album . I also wrote two letters to them in the summer of 2005 as well , the year I made the memory album . I would like to post them too Here is the first . . . . Oh how mommy loves you and misses you ! My time with you was too short . I was not able to give you even one kiss or hug , but my love for you is still deep in my heart . Although I grieve our separation , I know that your Heavenly Father is caring for you now in a much better place than here . I want you to know that I think of you so often and I look forward to the day when I will meet you face to face . Your memory album is done in rainbow colors . I chose this because every time I see a rainbow , I think of you in heaven and am reminded of God 's promise to me . You were our first baby born into heaven after being part of our lives for only 6 weeks . You have been in Heaven for about six years now . At first we called you Sunshine , and we used to sing " You Are My Sunshine " to you every day . You were named Asa David after daddy two grandpas . What a wonderful surprise you were to us , in your brief appearance in our lives . Your little sister Jinny now talks about you and knows she has two brothers and a sister in Heaven . Give them a hug and kiss from mommy and daddy . Our precious daughter , we were so looking forward to having you join our family . I found out I was expecting you shortly after your brother went to Heaven . We rejoiced several days later when we saw your tiny heartbeat flickering on the ultrasound screen . What a miracle . You were alive and growing inside me . Then we found out you had gone to heaven , I was four and a half months pregnant . I felt as if a part of me had died with you . You have been in heaven for about five and a half years now . We named you April Iris . That is the month you went to be with Jesus and the night we said goodbye to you , it seemed to fit . Right before I went in to have the D & C after we found out you were gone , daddy brought me a little ring from the gift shop that had your birthstone in it . It was a beautiful , diamond - like stone . I knew you were now in Heaven shining like the brightest diamond . We chose Iris because it is your Nana 's name and also it means rainbow . I had never seen a double rainbow before in my life and the day you went to be with Jesus , there was a double rainbow in the sky . It was one of the most beautiful things I had seen . I know that now you and your brothers are smiling on us from Heaven . Your little life ended only after only eight weeks with us . It 's been three years since you went to be with Jesus . Oh , how deeply I remember the heartache of losing yet another baby , when babies had been my life long dream . I didn 't think there was much more I could handle in that moment . Your name was given to you after weeks of searching for a name . It was so hard to find one that I felt suited you . I believe this fits , Kane means beautiful tribute , golden sunset . I am writing this letter to let you know you will always hold a special place in my heart . What a wonderful day it will be when I get to finally hold you in my arms outside of my dreams ! I feel so blessed to have had you in my life , even for the short time I did . The Lord is my Shepherd . He makes me lie in pastures green . He leads me beside quiet waters that wash over me . . . . Though I may walk in the shadows , Your rod and Your staff comfort me . I will abide at a table in the presence of my enemies . . . . . . This is a video of a woman named Temple singing while she is in labor . My birth plan for Zoe included this exact song . I loved the thought of another supernatural childbirth like I had with Jaron and I wanted her entry into this world to be filled with so much peace and love that it would follow her all the days of her life . Things did not go as I had planned and so the birth plan I had developed did not happen either , but despite everything else , it was still a wondrous night . It was filled with many conflicting things . Joy and sorrow , frailty and strength , hope and disappointment , compassion and betrayal . Even with those emotions , there was a short amount of time where only the wonder of seeing our precious baby girl filled the room . As I said in my earlier post about Zoe 's birth , it took awhile for them to get the bleeding under control so we did not get to see Zoe right away . The nurse kept assuring me that they had her right there and as soon as they could , they would let me see her and hold her . Finally it was time . I felt some excitement building in my heart knowing that I would be holding her soon . My water did not break when I delivered Zoe so the nurse had to break the amniotic sac . I was laid out almost flat on the bed so I could not see what was happening . I looked up at Greg and watched his face . We still did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl . I heard my nurse say " Okay little one , here we go . " She opened the amniotic sac and lifted Zoe 's little body out . In that moment I saw Greg 's heart melt and his eyes filled with tears . Then some of the best words of the night filled the room . . . " Oh , she 's perfect . A beautiful little girl . Ten fingers and ten toes , all there . " She wrapped Zoe up and handed her to my waiting arms . The intricacies of God 's precious tiny creation almost took our breath away in that moment . I didn 't know quite what to expect , but I have felt death on another person before and it has almost always been cold . She was still so warm . Tears of joy and of sadness poured down our faces as we held first one tiny hand and then the other , wrapping her fingers around our fingers . I have never seen such small delicate fingers , such tiny fingernails . . . . a perfectly formed , beautiful little face . She had the cutest little feet with the smallest toes including little bitty toe nails ! She seemed so fragile , I was almost afraid to move her . The nurses and the doctor told us they would leave us alone for awhile to spend time with her . We spent time just telling her how much we loved her , how sad we were that she would not be coming home with us , how much her siblings loved her , how glad we were that she was with our Jesus , where she will be forever loved and safe . I so badly wanted to sing the song to her , but could not manage to choke out the words between tears . We cried , we smiled , we marveled . We had about an hour alone with her . I would not trade that hour for the D & C that the Dr . was offering to make this loss " easier to deal with because it is just done with then . " God gave us that hour filled with His peace and I know the angels were standing there with us . I have no doubt that there was probably a tear or two on their faces as well . I know that in those moments God knew what our hearts were feeling . Hebrews 13 : 5 " Never will I leave you ; never will I forsake you . " He understood it as only one who has been there can . He not only saw ahead in time to when we would be sitting in that room , He also placed that nurse there that night . I believe , specifically for us . He has been with us every step of the way , holding me when I cry , He knows every tear that fell from our eyes . Psalm 56 : 8 You keep track of all my sorrows . You have collected all my tears in your bottle . You have recorded each one in your book . So through all the tears that fall and will fall in years to come , I look forward to the day when I walk into heaven and hear , " Mommy ! ! ! " through squeals of delight . I will be suddenly wrapped in 4 sets of arms that have been waiting to welcome me home . I love you my precious babies , Asa , April , Kayne and Zoe . Well here we are , two days into the new year and I am excited for the things God has in store for us and our family . Some significant dates and events have passed and emotions have run up and down . . . . . I am thankful for the hope I feel and the contentment that God has given me . Though this Christmas was filled with love , a missing part was felt as well . There have even been moments I have longed for the missing sleep of those special middle of the night nursing times . I used to love those times with my other kids , in the peaceful silence of night , just me and my baby sharing an experience only ours . Memories of life with a newborn flood my mind . As Zoe 's due date has passed now , I no longer feel like I am still looking forward in anticipation to something that was supposed to happen . Instead it is more the feeling of something being missing . As we opened presents christmas day , Greg and I both found ourselves wondering who would have been holding her . . . . . . it probably would have been Nana because she can be a bit of a baby hog when it comes to new grandbabies ; o ) and how would our morning have looked with her here as well . Before christmas , I had been on a long search for some type of ornament to represent Zoe that would hang on our big tree this year . We also wanted something special that we could do with the kids to commemorate Zoe 's due date . We had a little white christmas tree that we decided we would decorate with the kids , using little pink and silver ornaments . Just how does one pick an ornament that accurately symbolizes the love for and sacredness of a baby who has died ? I am not sure there is such a thing . . . . . . we searched and searched , finding many options of memorial ornaments but none of them quite fit . I started to try and think outside the " ornament only " box . . . . . what could we use ? We went to the baby section of a few stores with mixed emotions and ended up looking at little socks and shoes hoping to find something . I was starting to think we were going to have to settle for something that was not " perfect . " We chose to settle on a set of little tiny newborn socks that I thought we could maybe write her name on . As we turned to walk away I looked over and saw some little shoes that had been hung in the wrong spot . I showed them to Greg and they were cute but not what I had imagined . Then as I hung them back with the others of their kind , I saw at the back of the hook a little white , soft pink and purple pair of shoes with a little butterfly on them . Instantly tears sprang to our eyes and I felt they were as close as I was going to get to what I had been looking for . The butterfly is used symbolically to represent the short lives of miscarried and stillborn babies and how they will always be a beautiful part of the fabric of our lives . Our search continued for tiny pink ornaments for our little tree . We went to 6 different stores that day . Finally I found some that were the perfect size and color of pink . We headed home to Moose Jaw and mom ( who had kept the kids for us while we had some alone time on her due date ) met us there with the kids . ( Thanks mom ! ) After supper we called the kids and Nana to the living room and gathered around the little tree . I had also found little silver cherub ornaments that were on little tiny clothespins . We took turns pinning them to the tree and then we asked the kids what their thoughts and feelings were . They talked about things like how happy Zoe must be in Heaven and how they missed her and how much they had been looking forward to having her here at christmas . We talked about how she was probably worshiping God right then . Then we each took turns praying and thanked God for her . It was another beautiful celebration of her life . My mom wrote a beautiful letter to Zoe and I shut myself in my room , desiring privacy to read it Christmas day . It brings comfort to me to know my mom 's heart , to know how much Zoe meant to her , and how much she looked forward to meeting her . I stayed in my room for about an hour while the tears fell . . . . my first breakdown since just before her due date . Zoe was very much a part of our christmas even though she was not physically here . I am grateful that she is in my Heavenly Father 's care and is hearing the praises of Angels as they sing . Merry Christmas baby girl , we love you forever and always . Precious Little One , We had you in our lives such a very short time , but we 'll hold you in our hearts forever . It seemed like only a fleeting moment , but it was long enough to see you , touch you , hold you , love you . It was long enough to know that your life was indeed a gift - no matter how brief , no matter how fragile , Your life was indeed a gift , and we 'll hold you in our hearts forever . I am a full time , stay at home mom of 10 kids and also became known as Nana recently . One of our children is grown and moved away from home , 3 are still at home and six are in heaven . I am happily married to my best friend whom I met while I was in my last year of high school . I homeschool , I do hobby photography , I have way to many interests to list them all and we are still waiting to have another baby . I would also love to one day go on missions trips . View my complete profile |
I have actually had a dream of Jennifer Love Hewitt crapping her pants . In the dream she was staying with me and my family while we were on vacation . She was wearing a short navy blue skirt that would always ride up to show her navy panties . As she bent over to tie her shoes and I was nonchalantly staring at her butt when I saw her panties tent out towards me . A lump was formed in her panties with the sound of a rice krispies treat being squeezed . I " accidently " brushed against her butt and apologized to her . But she didn 't realize I knew what she had just done . The dream ended shortly afterwards . I posted earlier . Eleanor - Your brother and his friends are sick weirdos . You should tell them that . If they don 't stop , you should tell someone in authority , like a parent , teacher , favorite aunt , Drunk Uncle Otto from London , anyone . What they are doing is an invasion of privacy . Don 't be embarressed about telling . Oh , and by the way , does your brother ever take a shit at home ? If he does , invite YOUR friends over and have a little show . See how much brother - dearest likes the shoe on the other foot so to speak . Hope some of this helped you , and get the help you need . Please sister , don 't let them do this to you . If anyone saw that movie , " Where the heart is " with Natalie Portman , do any of yall remember when she was in the bathroom and was fidgeting because she had to pee so bad ? A little girl was in the stall and Natalie was banging on it because she was about to piss herself ? I sure wished she had just lost control of it and pissed all over herself . Better yet I wished she had pooped on herself in that scene ! before i went to bed and it hurt at the start . And i pushed and pushed . Then i sat a bit and i felt a little gas come out then a bit of softer poop came out . I flushed all the loose stuff down and i held onto my logs . And i looked at it and it was a good sized log i 'd say 12 13 " maybe 14 the max . and i wiped then i flushed and im like ohh oh and it didn 't go all the way down and i had to get a plunger the get it uncloged . I haven 't had a huge dump like that in such alog time and nor have i stopped up the toilet in such along time . I think this will be one of my memorable dumps . To Jim : I really liked your story about your friend wetting him self on your moms couch . Too bad you got blamed for it . Way to go for doing something to your friend since you got blamed for it . Did you beat him up . Maybe you should go to his house and mess your self on his couch . To Aaron : I liked your story again . . . No you aren 't weird . I wish i were like u . . . i wish i had a buddy i could dump with . Thats y i like to poop in public to see if any other young guys are pooping . Lorraine : In Melbourne last year during a World Championship series , just before the start of one of the races , one male member of the crew had to do a poo very badly . He just couldn 't wait till after the race ( 2hrs . ) . So he pulled his pants down and pooed off the transom , hanging on to the runners . The only problem was that another boat sailed nearby and the only female crewmember on board had a good view of the brown tail as it came out . It was hard to socialize with her later on that day in the club bar . But a good talking point for days to come . To Eleanor I 'm sorry but your brother and he 's freids are little shits ( pardon the pun ) i hope that does not offend you but if you normally go after school could you hang around for a few mins and poo there ? depending when you usually go . Abit more detail on when you normally go , Eleanor - I 'm really sorry that your brother and his friends humiliated and embarrassed you like that . I think that you should tell your mum . They deserve to be busted for what they did , and you need to be protected . kampkounselor , I really liked your story about wetting yourself on the bus . I also like the video store person 's stories about the little kids wetting themselves in the store while playing games . I wish there were more stories like that . There are so many more poo stories , and I skip over most of those . I 'm not trying to denigrate anyone who is into that , but those stories ( especially when they 're about diarrhoea or accidents ) make me feel physically sick . Someone wrote that they were at a loss to understand why anyone would want to have intentional accidents , and I have to say that I feel the same way . I think for me the interest is in someone who genuinely has to pee and would go to the toilet if they could , but can 't or feels they can 't because of circumstances . It 's interesting whether or not they make it to the toilet because of what they do beforehand . It is the desperation more than the accident , in other words . I guess there is no way to categorize these stories so w ! e could all find what we want to read and disregrad the rest ? Anyway , here are the pee stories I was going to tell about accidents I had in the car . ( That 's today 's theme . ) One time about a year ago , my man and I went to the home of one of his friends from music school . I very rarely drink ( I 'm a cheap drunk and it 's not good for the voice , nor do I approve of drunkenness ) but I had nothing coming up that week so the five of us that were there polished off three bottles of wine . I had two glasses of water to every glass of wine to avoid drying my vocal cords . After a while , I felt like peeing , but I was in a really mellow , hazy mood and everything seemed hilarious so we were laughing at everything and I stayed where I was until I had to go really bad and started laughing and felt a gush of pee try to come out . I squeezed my legs tight and stopped it , then got up and hurried to the bathroom and had a nice , long pee . Not too long after that , my guy decided it was time to leave ( he hadn 't drunk much as he was leaving . ) I had to pee again and so did everyone else , so we all lined up for the bathroom and by the time they got to me , I was burstin ! g and shifting around and almost peed my pants . I had another big long pee even though I had gone probably half and hour ago . We then said our goodbyes and got in the car . We got literally down the block when I felt like I had to pee again - and not a pee I could hold for half an hour until I got home , but a desperate , have to do it now pee . I told my boyfriend , and he said that I just went and could I wait till I got home . I said no , I was bursting , so he suggested turning around and going back to his buddy 's house , but we 'd have to turn left against traffic and I was embarassed about that and suggested we just stop at the next gas station or fast food place . So we drove on and I crossed my legs and bent over . Then I saw golden arches in the distance and I was so relieved ! But . . a red light came up . It was long and as we sat there , a hot spurt came out . I grabbed myself and began bouncing up and down and told my boyfriend I was going to pee my pants . He told me to hold on , ! we 'd be right there . Another spurt came out . I used both hands to push it in and the light turned green . We began moving and I relaxed . . . but there was still another red light . I asked my boyfriend if he had any newspaper or plastic bags . He didn 't . He was very nice about it and told me that he was sure that I could hold it , but if not , not to worry about it . I sat there holding myself as tight as I could and wriggling around like a child and almost crying because I had to go so bad , it hurt and I was dribbling a little still . Finally we got to the McDonald 's ( it must have been less than five minutes , but it felt like more . ) He drove right up to the door and I shot out of the car and ran to the door . . . and it was one of those McDonald 's that closes at midnight ! I stood there crossing my legs and crying . My boyfriend called to me to hurry and get in the car , there was a Burger King across the street . I never considered going outside as there were way too many cars . We had ano ! ther light during which I lost some more , then finally we got to the Burger King and it was open . I ran in and got into a stall and then I remembered I had on a bodysuit . I stood there crossing my legs and wriggling and trying to get it off while holding myself and losing more little spurts all the time . Finally , I was on the toilet and I hissed and peed a thick stream for ages even though my clothes were already soaking . I sat there for about fifteen minutes to get it all out , as I would stop , then feel urgent two minutes later and tinkle a little . Then I tried to dry myself . I took so long my boyfriend didn 't believe I also didn 't have to poo . I had left a little wet stain on the seat which he cleaned later . Another time I had a full - fledged accident in my car by myself , about two years ago . I went for a vocal coaching out in the country about two hours from home . I got there and did the coaching for about an hour and a half , then left . As I was leaving , it occurred to me that I had to pee , but I didn 't ask the coach if I could use the bathroom because I figured I could just stop somewhere on my way back . Well , I didn 't pass anything until I got about half a hour from home and saw a fast food place , but it was on the other side of the street , so I figured I 'd wait until I got home . I was pretty urgent but not at the peeing my pants stage , so I wasn 't worried . Then I turned onto a street and all but one lane were closed for construction , and traffic was at a standstill . I sat there , inching along , and after about an hour , I was desperate to pee and wishing I had gone to that fast food place , which was still really close , but there were cars all around me so I couldn 't get out and I couldn 't walk there and just leave my car either , so I knew I had to tough it out . I was listening to the radio and reviewing my music from the coaching and making calls on my cel phone and trying to distract myself while crossing my legs tight and shifting around , but it was getting worse and worse . I sat there for another half an hour and had to pee so bad , I was going through various options ! I couldn 't get out of the car because everyone would see me and there were no trees or anything . I thought of peeing into my water bottle , but the neck was way too narrow and I knew I would miss . I had a newspaper in the back seat and I reached for it but couldn 't figure out how to make it useful . So I sat there rocking with a hand down my pants holding myself . Finally the traffic began to move just when I thought I would lose it . Then I saw a portable bathroom for the construction workers and was thinking of going there , but as there was only one lane of traffic and we were now moving , I couldn 't . We stopped for a traffic light and I lost a spurt of pee . I took one hand off the wheel to hold myself . Another spurt came . I squeezed and stopped it . Then I saw a gas station up ahead . Hallelujah ! But - disaster . There was a traintrack right before it and just as I approached , the barrier came down for a train . I sat and rocked and hoped it would be a short train . It wasn 't . ! I couldn 't stop the little spurts and at the point when the train stopped and began backing up , my bladder exploded . I quickly grabbed the newspapers and sat on them and pushed what I couod of my skirt away , and watched in horror as my urine flooded the papers , ran on the floor , ran down my leg and just wouldn 't stop . I felt so relieved and so ashamed and so glad I was alone . When the train left , I drove home and managed to sneak into my place without anyone seeing how wet my skirt was . I learned my lesson though - always go when you need to if you can . When I was a little kid , I also had accidents in the car ( there are two other car stories - coming from the beach and going to the opera ) that I 'll save for next time as this is already so long . ( I 'm trying to give lots of material to the other people who like pee stories in hopes that they 'll share with me ! ) One memorable little kid story is from when I was 7 . My dad was performing with his orchestra and he picked me up from some school activity or other to take me there and watch . I remember him sending me to pee before we left , and I went . But by the intermission of this concert , I had to go again and was beginning to get restless and uncomfortable , but as a kid , I was too shy to tell anyone that I had to go , so I tried to find the bathroom by myself . I walked out into the lobby and saw the door with the lady on it . Seeing no - one around , I pushed the door open , but all I saw were chairs , a mirror and a table with flowers . Telling myself how stupid it was to have tha ! t instead of a bathroom , and assuming there was none , I resignedly went back out into the lobby , where my father was relaxing and gave me a glass of juice , which I felt I had to drink , and which did not help my bladder . I went back to my seat for the second half ( I was sitting alone ) beginning to feel urgent . A black lady saw me however , and because she saw that I was black too , she came over and began talking to me before the music started . I remember hoping that she wouldn 't notice me squirming . I remember enjoying the second half a lot less than the first half because I had to go so bad I couldn 't concentrate on the music . I discovered that if I grabbed the waistband of my underwear and pulled every now and again , it would hold my crotch for me and alleviate some of the pressure of my bladder . I also found that if I sat at the very edge of my seat , the seat could do the same . I consciously decided that I would not hold myself with my hand , as I naively thought that only ! then would anyone be able to tell that I badly had to pee . Finally , the concert was over . I had to go meet my dad and I remember walking very carefully so as not to pee myself . It was a long walk to the car , but we finally got there . However , home was over an hour away . I am sure now that if I had told my dad how urgently I needed to pee , we would have stopped somewhere , but my pride wouldn 't let me . He was in the front and I in the back , and so I finally gave in and held myself , feeling very ashamed , because it was the only way to stop the pee . After a while , though , that didn 't even work , and I began to lose it , spurt by spurt , still holding and rocking and talking to my dad . I would lose a little , stop it for a few seconds or even a minute , then lose more . For the last half hour , I kept on losing spurts , until I realized I didn 't have to go anymore . That 's one of the slowest ways I 've ever peed my pants . Of course , I was wet , but my dad didn 't see the car seat nor did he ! or anyone seem to notice my wet dress in the brief time I was in the house before escaping to my room completely embarassed , but I got away with it . . The next time I went to that concert venue , maybe 2 years later , it was with my mom , and at intermission , she headed for the ladies ' room and I was shocked that , beyond those tables and chairs , there were actual toilets . I remember being mad at muyself for that accident two years ago . Jasta Did anyone see ' Sex and the City ' on Channel Four last night ? There was a good scene where Miranda 's boyfriend walked in on her whilst she was taking a wee - and I think she was weeing for real . There was another scene where he took a poo and left the bathroom door open . He was cutting some mean farts and she didn 't appreciate this so decided to ' dump ' him for it ! Later there was a scene where another of the ladies was on the loo , taking a wee . All within the space of about half an hour . Jill I was in the loo at work today , when I heard a phone ring and then someone answered . There was a woman in one of the cubicles chatting away to a person who , no doubt had no idea she was sat on the loo . This reminded me of something that happened to me last year . I was on the loo at home , after dinner one evening , listening to " The Archers " on the radio . ( I do that most evenings , being a regular person ) . All of a sudden , my husband walked in with my mobile phone and handed it to me . It was my boss , and he was late at the office , as usual , wanting me to make a decision on a case I had been preparing . We had a discussion , and I am sure he had no idea where I was - it 's just as well smells don 't travel down the phone ! The end result was that we came to a decision which had a direct impact on someone else 's life , and then I was left to finish my poo in peace . I suppose this sort of thing must happen every day . To London Lad : I am expecting to be in London next Wednesday , so I shall be passing through Balham at some time on Wednesday afternoon . I will try and remember to flush ! I only worry about noises in the train loo if the train is in the station and quiet . Once the train is moving I can 't imagine anyone outside the toilet door hearing anything - the trains on our line are rather old rattletraps . Interesting observations you made about hearing the woman upstairs using the loo . I don 't think I am particularly noisy on the toilet . I was delighted and surprised to see that you , Sarah , had taken the initiative and egged Tim on to � confess � to having come here . I bet that you were glad it was nothing more serious . You are certainly the loving wife and partner Tim needs , and I hope that you will be able to get used to the idea that there are people like us . We are all here for some reason or other , be it fascination by the subject , seeking advice or feeling lonely in a way . I also quite agree with your opinion about the pictures in the mast head � . a bit too one sided . I would like to see something like a couple on twin toilets sharing tp or a magazine for a change . But your kind words gave me a load of food for thought , which I too will have to digest ! ( I hope the result will not be shit ) And what is more , your long messages gave me the material which I will be able to use when I will let my wife know , which I will certainly do some day . It could be any day from now on . Thanks to you , I am prepared . ! You should not tolerate such behaviour of your brother and his friends , whatever their motives may be . I am not saying that you need not tolerate it , I am saying that you should not do so . Look at it this way : your brother � s friends will probably start gossiping about the fact that they saw you in a state of undress on the toilet . If you do not do anything against this happening to you , hoping that they will get bored , then the danger is that you will be seen as permissive . If you have the bad luck of living in a macho orientated environment , this might even be an argument used against you , it could even be said that it was your own fault . I suggest the following : Because you have to go when you have to go , and your brother and his cronies are blocking the bathroom , ask them to leave . If they do not � now here comes Old Rizzo � s nasty streak , you may laugh � quietly leave them doing whatever they are doing in the bathroom and leave them there . You may tell them that if they won � t let you have the bathroom to yourself , you will be forced to go elsewhere . Don � t go in your knickers ! ! ! That would only subject you to ridicule and trouble with your parents as well . Grab some kitchen towel or some paper tissues and go on the floor ! ! ! Preferably in your brother � s room . Poo , pee , the lot ! ! Wipe yourself and leave the tissues there too for all to see . Of course hell will break loose , but as I said , you had been deprived of a basic human right and had no other option . Going in front of those boys had been so humiliating , that you would not repeat it , will be your argument . More , and this is where you have to raise your voice : announce to your brother that you will not tell your parents , the school counsellor , the social services , the minister or the reverend and the police if need be , and not necessarily in that order , on the condition that It is always a pleasure to accompany you when you go / run / rush to the ladies � . Your avid reader greets you with cheers ! Love from Rizzo . What a way of waking your husband ! Was it Nu who said that you were a goofball ? A real prankster with certainty ! I laughed heartily ! Great ! Love to all of you over there from Rizzo ! Peeing from the deck of any sailing boat irrespective of size is always hazardous . Men can only hold on with one hand while standing in a wobbly stance leaning against the life lines with their lower thighs , the other hand being occupied : ) Ladies have both hands free to hold on to the boat , but in what a position ! ( My boat is different , it is � old fashioned � and very comfortable and very safe for a woman to pee from deck ) . To many men have been lost over the side while peeing , and especially at night , never to be found again . When you read somewhere that so and so was lost over board , then the chances are that this happened while having a pee and not wearing a harness clipped to a pad eye on deck . However , you need not bare your bottom to the elements and to the stares of your crew if you would proceed as Ina does . Think about it . I believe using the � tool � would greatly enhance safety and comfort while peeing on a boat . Just imagine the advantages when wearing all tho ! You and Robby certainly have been through hard times recently , but I see that it helps you to come here and share your memories with us . I laughed while reading your story of the room service being surprised by Sue having a major discharge into the loo pan and you busily filling the bath tub ! Ha ! Ha ! So Meghan can be very brutal , is that so ? Well , her trumps certainly seem to meet that criterion , if they can almost be heard over here on the other side of the pond ! I have not yet asked scientists if they had encountered sudden hitherto unexplained blips on their seismometres ! It is always a pleasure to read your posts , love to you from Rizzo . I am still thinking about your poem . You certainly must be well capable of thinking in words and playing with these in your mind . And to think that your first language is German ( am I right ? ) , this is quite a feat . My mind does not work that way , although writing about my pee and poo memories and posting them here has given me more practice than I have had since my GCE O - Levels ( that � s what they were called so many years ago ) . I only just managed to pass English Literature , basically essay - writing . Everthing else was easy . Well , if there would have been computers , the internet , and this forum then , I would probably have got better marks ! ! So keep us informed about those ever more daring wees of yours , and cheers to you from Rizzo ! ELEANOR - - As many folks on this board know , I 'm a person who stands up for kids in just the kind of situation you 're in right now . I 'm British by birth , living in Australia , and my Celtic blood gets very hot when things like this happen . You 're 12 , that 's the beginnig of young - ladyhood , and you deserve and are entitled to every shred of privacy you need and want . Your brother 's actions are despicable and also , incidentally , AGAINST THE LAW . And where is your mother while all this is happening ? I kow you 're probably too ashamed and embarressed to tell her about it , but if she 's got a shred of maternal decency about her she 'll make sure it never happes again in no uncertain terms . My dear , this is a form of ABUSE and you are not required to endure it . tell someone - - a school counsellor , perhaps . Your brother cannot be allowed to get away with this ! If I was there I would be between you and him and he 'd regret trying to pass me . He 's making a habit of it , and it must NOT continue . Please don 't think that all boys or men are like this , the decent chap who was ashamed the first time is one who will be sorry for what he did for the rest of his life , but there 's no way he can undo it . Yes , he was wrong , but he 's sorry , and he 's learned a lesson in shame that your brother can 't . As his younger sister , he feels you are his to exploit , and he has to learn that this is not so . It may be up to you to teach him , and I know this is terribly frightening . There 's nothing I hate more than a bully . Be brave , Eleanor - - I wish I was there to stand up for you . When I was about eleven Years old I had an experience with a boy who of my neighbourhood . We were playing in the garden when he asked me whether he may use our toilet . He went inside the house and after a while - about 15 minutes - he came back and said that our toilet must be broken beacause he didn 't manage to flush his shit . I couldn 't believe that because I had used the toilet some hours before so we went inside to see what we can do to solve the problem . In our bathroom I found a big surprise for me . I our toilet was lying the biggest log I 've ever seen before - it was about 30 centimeters long and 10 centimers wide , dark brown and with a knobbly texture . I couldn 't believe that it was him producing this monster , but who else should have done it ? He laughed when he saw my astonished face . We tried to flush it down the toilet , but it won 't move . It was a german toilet and the flushing water was supposed to push the load into the drainpipe . But this topedo shaped log ! was just lying there and did not move at all . I feared what to tell to my parents when they come home and see this lying in the toilet . So I decided to push the log with the toilet brush inside the drainpipe , and then try to flush it again , but unfortunately is was too big to fit in the pipe . The situation turne more dramatical by that moment - even my fried didn 't know what to do by then and I hoped that he had a solution becaus he might be used to such situations . Finally I took the Log out of the toilet and we wrapped it into a newspaper . Aftewards we buried it in the garden at a place where I knew that my mom would not work on her flowers . It was the first time I touched shit to carry it around and we felt like criminals going in the garden to hide this monster in the earth . His shit was hard like stone and was not smelling at all . It did not break when I lifted it and my hands were not getting dirty - It was wet on it 's surface but it left no brown colours on the skin of my hands - I got fairly amazed by that . For some weeks we feared that one of the adulds my find this thing by accident working in the garden , but the happening never came out . I began to admire this boy for his ability and he began to be proud of what he could make . So he showed me his productions every time I was with him . I dind 't know how he managed this at this age - he was about eleven years old and make shit that could fill up all his belly . He was slim with slim arms and legs - but his belly was fairly thick - especially when he was close to emerge such a shit . only once I saw that he could also make soft shit - all the other times it was hard and in one piece . His logs were always shaped like a torpedo - we called them so due to their form and even as they seem to consist of many smaller pieces , these pieces were always pressed together that the shit rested solid in one piece and the surface was every time smooth . the torpedos never smelled . He needed to go to the toilet only about once a month and he could tell me several days before that he could show me some big thing when I would visit him within one week ! In His house the toilet was flushing more powerful and the drainpipe was bigger - so he preferred to go to the toilet when he was at hom ! e . We went to the same school and for about five years I was kind of his audience for his special creations . As he grew bigger his logs became even bigger and finally it happened to pass that he was not able any more to flush them down the toilet at home . So he began to use the toilets at school and left his shit just lying there for the poor cleaning service . . . When I was about sixteen years old we were on a tour with backpacks when he told me that he had to shit - we were in a forest and nobody was with us . So I asked him whether I may watch him shitting , that I have nerver been able before . After a short moment he gave his O . K . and we went into the bushes . he pulled his trousers down and sqatted down . I was sitting behind him waiting for the things to come . As he was still very slim exept his belly I could easily see his asshole between his small cheeks . For some minutes nearly nothing happened - his asshole seemed to get a little bit bigger , but nothing came out . after about five minutes I saw his asshole open up a little bit and the sphincter got a little bigger . Very slowly his hole got more and more bigger as his asshole muscle also got bigger an has opened up that much that would have been able to put my hand in it when it was not filled up with that ' stone ' . Suddendly his asshole closed and he stood up . He said that he is not able to make it in this position and got back in his trousers . He had nearly made no sound during the whole time , but he had pearls of sweat when he turned to me . I was disappointed not seeing the thing come out , but at the same moment I was very exited - for me he was kind of a worldwonder . . . We went on walking and after some hours he said that he would give it a second try - we went back into some bushes and we found a tree with a horizontal knot just at the ideal height to sit on . He sat on this knot and I was sitting behind him on the floor having a good look at his ass . The performance started again . His asshole relaxed and began slowly swelling up while it opened . It also seemed to move out of his ass as it opened up more and more . For me it was unbelieveable , but when it finally was big enough to let the shit pass by , it was so swallen up and big that it was outside of his cheeks and the hole was nearly 15 centimeters wide . I heard him grunting quietly and i saw sweat running down his ass . Ten minutes after be began processing this the shit began to move out very slowly . Again and again he took a deep breath and pressed for a long time . Every time he did so the log came out one or two centimeters more and it seemed that it was not gliding out but that ! After an endless time he finally made it - the monster torpedo fell off his asshole shortly before it touched the ground an fell to the floor with a dull sound , was standing there for a short moment and then it fell to one side like a three when it 's cut off . His asshole was hanging out of his ass , swallen up to a big red rose sized like a volleyball and I asked him whether everything was ok with him . He took a deep breath and said that he 's ok - just the situation doing it for me was a bit funny for him - during he said so he pushed the monsrous big red rose back ito his ass with his left hand . I asked him if it hurts to do so , but he said that it is ok - It 's not easy doing this , but it does not hurt - I hardly couldn 't believe it . He took his clothes on and we went on . It took him nearly an hour to expell his shit and he seemed a bit pale afterwards - he was sweaty all over his body and I think it was very hard work for him to push his monster out . I never forgot this ! Anyway , there I was dropping these loud , arse - splashing turds until I look down and see the shit 's nearly upto the water level . I flush , then see if I 've got any more to do , and did I ! I dropped an equal amount again with more splashes and the great pleasure of tingling in my arsehole as these well - formed turds get pushed out . What a load ! What a great feeling ! After I left I wondered how something as pleasurable as that could possibly have to go unmentioned , How many of us secretly enjoy such satisfying bodily functions and have to keep it all to ourselves ? hey all i was at home yesterday and i was with my sister . my sister is okay she is sexy and has large tits . well yesterday afternoon she came to me and knocked on the door cause i was sitting on the dunny hanging a shit when she knocked . she told me to get off ASAP so i told her i would be about another 5 to 10 minutes cause i only just started . when she herd that she told me that she couldn 't wait she had to pee really badly . well i told kelly thats my sister that she had to wait . then i asked her if she bougth any friends home she said she bought home katie , amy , samantha and kylie . ok then do any of them need to pee . kelly said that all of us have to pee really badly except kylie who really has to shit . so girls go to katies house its only a 5 minute walk so they left me alone . when kelly came home that night she said that she peed her pants cause of me . 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When Jerry 's brother died penniless shortly after his Mother 's death , the responsibility to handle everything fell on Jerry and me - - as usual . Bob didn 't go to church , so there wasn 't a pastor or a place to have a service . So I decided to use his Mother 's house - - that had been for sale for over two years and hadn 't sold - - to have a memorial service for Bob . It was just days after that when we got a call that there was a contract on the house . So HOW PERFECT was God 's timing after all ? Since it is Sunday morning , I must first tell you about the sermon . IT WAS AWESOME ! If you need healing , and you aren 't sure what the Bible says about it , this is the sermon for you . Pastor Hagee broke it down into FIVE steps : 4 - Denounce the kingdom of darkness . Let me interject some " Queen Joy " here . This is where I always get into trouble with my friends and my family . Quija Boards , Tarrot cards , shows about vampires and witches and on and on I could go ; and it is my belief that tattoos are in this category . The Bible says " do not put marks on your body " . In case you don 't believe that , here is the scripture : " ' Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves . I am the LORD . ( Leviticus 19 : 28 ) Does that mean I don 't like you if you have a tattoo . Of course not ! ! ! It means that I won 't be getting any , and now , you know the reason why . You can listen to Pastor Hagee talk about the kingdom of darkness and the occult and hopefully , not get mad at me . I am just the messenger telling you about today 's sermon . 5 - Recognize ALL healing comes from the Holy Spirit . ( Romans 8 : 11 ) I guess you could say I like to HUNT if that involves hunting for fabric on line or in a fabric store . I have a very short fishing attention span . I will throw the bait in the water IF someone will put the nasty thing on my hook for me , but if I don 't get some action in the next 15 minutes , my mind is telling me to TURN AND RUN as fast as you can , as soon as you get the chance , right back up to your sewing haven ! My reply to that is always the same : I will learn how to bait my own hook and take off my own fish AS SOON AS YOU LEARN HOW to sew a blouse and make a quilt . And I STILL haven 't told you what happened . . . . I 'm getting there ! I live on this little 40 - acre patch of ground that a friend developed many years ago . My husband actually helped him do it . Our friend 's name is Dennis . He cleared the land and chopped it up into plus or minus 5 - acre tracts . Since my husband was the first to know about it , he got to choose WHICH 5 - acre tract he wanted to buy , and he actually ended up buying two of them totalling about 11 acres . Jerry chose the land because it had two very good areas to build ponds on , which he did . Dennis and Jerry chose the name " Stonebrook " for this development . So , as you can imagine , there aren 't very many people who live in here . I think there are a total of six homes . People have moved in and out and in and out and ALL THE WHILE , I have been BEGGING God to send me a SEWING / QUILTING FRIEND to live in one of those houses . And you have probably figured out what is SO EXCITING by now . Jerry and I were walking down the " plank " ( I call it that because it is a long , narrow wooden walkway that is at a severe angle right now due to the lake being so low ) to our favorite marina restaurant . Just as we were getting near it , another bunch of folks got there too . I was on the phone with my daughter , so we let the other people get ahead of us . When they did , my husband recognized the man in the group to be the new neighbor that moved in just a short time ago into one of the vacant houses here in Stonebrook . We had HEARD about these people , and I promise you I never heard anything even resembling the subject of sewing or quilting . We were told they were into collecting cars and boats . I figured the Mrs . would be built like Raquel Welch and wear racing tights and leather boots up to her knees - - or would that be someone who rides horses - - whatever . Sure didn 't seem like a sewing machine would be in the house . I very much wanted to meet them , so I got off the phone . I walked up to the people that Jerry was already talking to , and I introduced myself . I said , " Hi ! , I am Joy " . She said , " Hi ! , I am Terri " . She said she had more company coming , and they were leaving town for a few days after that . She said she could come over Thursday . THEREFORE , I have to go ! I have to clean up my sewing room - - make a new dress - - make a new quilt - - and TRY TO CALM DOWN ! As I posted in an earlier blog , my soldier - boy , John , finally got to come home from Alaska with his wife Hollie . They were kind enough to come down and visit the old folks for a few days . John 's sister , Lindy , arrived on Thursday just moments after Lauren and Walker were delivered by their other grandmother . Papa and I and the three grandkids left our store in town and headed for our house 8 miles South of town . Papa went in his vehicle to get gas . I was alone in my car as the two younger kids wanted to ride with Lindy in her car . While we had been sitting at the store , I was telling the kids how LOW the water is in Lake Texoma and how we had not had enough rain to even fill the tiny bowl on top of our bird bath . One day , it rained for less than ONE MINUTE ! I was on the front porch . I explained that we probably would not be able to go out in the boat because the lake was so low . WELL , wouldn 't you know it ! As we were driving home from our store , the skies opened up and it began POURING BUCKETS of rain . It rained the whole rest of the day . We had to fish on our dock in the rain . We weren 't complaining because we have been in a 3 - year drought in these parts , and we LOVE the rain . It put a damper on our activities though . During the heaviest part of the rain , we decided to play a game , and I love that these kids LIKE to play games . They chose Pictionary - - my favorite ! Lindy and Lauren were partners , so poor Walker had to be my partner because Papa hadn 't gotten home yet . When Papa did get home , he was on BOTH teams . We had the PERFECT place to play . Look : And Lindy , bless her heart , is the bait - putter - oner and the line untangler , and the Grandma helper . I 'm sure she caught fish too , but I didn 't get a pic . Remember , it was raining . I wasn 't getting out from under the roof ! After all tired of fishing it was time for Pizza - - Pepperoni and Supreme . I made the mistake of putting both pizzas in the oven ON THE RACKS - - per the directions . Take my advice : DON ' T DO THAT ! ! ! The pizza on the top rack wasn 't getting enough heat - - or something - - and the bottom of the dough was hanging down BETWEEN the bars of the rack like very droopy dough boobs ! I had NO IDEA how I was going to get that thing out of the oven . Fortunately , Lindy is a Pizza expert since she works at Hideaway Pizza , and she figured out what to do . John and Hollie arrived about 2 : 30 on Friday , and that was very exciting for me , of course . John was SO TALL and SO HANDSOME and SO WONDERFUL and his wife , Hollie was still SO BEAUTIFUL and SO SWEET . This was the first of many hugs from my favorite Soldier : The next day was a fabulous day with John and Hollie and Lindy . We went out in the " big boat " ( compared to our small fishing boat ) and played on Lake Texoma . John helps us with everything . He knows how to handle the boat and back it up and park the trailer and all that stuff Jerry usually has to do . It is such a pleasure to have John help with all the tasks involved in boating . After lunch , John and Hollie and John and Lindy played on the tube and then the skis . John had ENDLESS energy ! Lindy was next in show - off - ability . Hollie got pooped after a ride with Lindy and then John on the tube . I got pooped just watching ! THEN was our dinner at Alberta Creek Cafe . I was really looking forward to it because it is so nice now with the new managers . I had made a special request for a slight adjustment to a pie they serve there . It is kind of a cheesecake on bottom with strawberries and glaze on top . I asked them if they could " throw a few blueberries on top " to make it red , white and blue for my grandson , and I explained he was a soldier coming home from Alaska . We had a table reserved , so we sat down immediately . The waitress had been told by management to scoot right on over to our table , and she was there before I had even adjusted myself in my chair ! I don 't know WHY we got such preferential treatment , but we did . Our dinner came quickly , and it was time for dessert . I signaled to one of the staff that we had a special pie . She said , " Oh , I KNOW ! I will take care of it . " In a few moments the lady that made the pie - - Wanda - - arrived at our table with the pie in her hands . I squealed with delight that I 'm sure the whole restaurant probably heard , and asked if I could take a picture . John got up and stood next to Wanda . This is blurry , but I 'm so glad I got it . Wanda had waited until that afternoon to make the pie so it would be very fresh . She also made it look like an American Flag . It was WONDERFUL , and I was SO TOUCHED that she did that for John . Here is a cut piece so you can see it is kind of a real fluffy cheesecake inside . I couldn 't believe my ears . Jerry and I both ASSUMED it was the managers - - Wanda 's daughter and her husband . Jerry went to thank them , and they said , " It wasn 't us ! " The kids said , " Grandma , you talk so loud , the whole restaurant probably knew John is a soldier . " Whatever ! As far as I 'm concerned , the WHOLE WORLD should know it . Evidently , someone was honoring his service . Sure wish we knew who so we could thank them . Then it was home again , a movie and another day . By now , it is Sunday , and you know we always have church on Sunday . We announced to the kids that we would have breakfast at 7 : 30 and church at 8 : 30 . They said to just wake them up at 7 : 30 . I went to their rooms and just lightly tapped on their doors . In two minutes , they were all in the kitchen . We enjoyed bacon and pancakes , and then we headed upstairs to church on the big screen . Now , our " church " is very relaxed . Recliners or the couch in your pj 's . Even Jackie came to church . ( EXCUSE Jackie 's weird eyes . I thought black circles would look better than bright light alien eyes . ) After church , the kids came to me and told me how much they loved it . There was a guest speaker who was quite a comedian . He could imitate John Wayne , Jimmy Stewart and others . I was getting a little disturbed at the comic act until he turned it into a good sermon about never quitting . After church , Lindy had to go home . She had come in her own car , so she left alone . Jerry , John and Hollie decided to head back out for a short fishing trip in our other boat . I thought Hollie would want to stay with me . Nope ! She LOVED going fishing . That evening , John asked if we could eat on the patio . I was thrilled he thought of it . An elegant dinner of grilled hot dogs and baked beans . And a fuzzy pic of me and my tall soldier . Behind us is a stack of my Crocs and a water hose used to wash all the mud off them over and over and over . I had the kids just grab a new pair every time we went to the pond . Sadly , about 8 pair are still out there waiting a more thorough scrubbing . And the weekend ended this morning at about 11 AM when John and Hollie drove away . They have more people to visit before they head to Arizona on June 30th to their new assignment at Fort Huachuca ( ? ) . I told them not to DARE go across the border to Mexico ! Hollie said her Dad told her not to DARE leave her house ! I am going to hurry real , real fast - - my usual pace anyway - - to post a few pictures of the two blouses I just finished . I need to make pants to go with , but I am putting sewing on hold until after our company comes and goes . I 've been cleaning house all day today . Remember the bright daisy fabric that jumped into my cart while I was getting my aerobic walking exercise at Hobby Lobby . I used my Sure - fit Designs blouse pattern recently drawn for a video that I can 't upload yet , and I messed it up ! Wish I had a " BEFORE " picture , but I don 't . What I did was forget to add 5 / 8 " seam allowance down center front for the facing . I had added 7 / 8 " for the button extension , and when I looked at it , I figured I was done with that part . SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO , my blouse ended up needing buttons smaller than flea eggs which , of course , do not exist . I finally figured out HOW I could fix it , and I was so pleased with myself . I cut the neckline much more OPEN which involved cutting below the top button and buttonhole in the blouse . Since the buttons and buttonholes were already there , I then had UNEVEN button placement on the blouse . After I finished the bright daisy blouse and discovered my gigantic mistake down center front , I decided to try again . This time I added the 5 / 8 " seam allowance . I then took in the v - neck area so it would not gap . The Cap Sleeve came out really open and big . Let 's just say I would have had to wear a REALLY PRETTY bra and be sure my belly was washed good ! My CURE for the large open Cap Sleeve was to gather it . I kid you NOT ! I thought I was going to have to apply Super Glue to my bottom and attach it to a chair to keep from grabbing Jackie , my keys , jumping into my car and heading 150 miles North to get my arms around these two ! The cat - - not so much . I wish I had the words to convey how awesome this morning 's sermon was . It is Father 's Day , so the sermon was about fathers . It is a sermon for EVERYONE , however . I beg you to listen to it if you can . It is about what America needs more than ever : Godly fathers . Before the sermon was over , Matt had tears streaming down his face . I had tears streaming down my face . I looked over at Jerry - - who isn 't one to show emotion at all - - and he was wiping a puddle away from under each of his eyes . It was THAT GOOD ! You can hear it at 11 : 00 this morning , OK time , or a video of it will be available the rest of the week . I am not affiliated with this church in any way other than we have chosen to attend it every Sunday via the internet . Pastor Hagee , Sr . reminds me of my own Father . Just go to www . getv . org if you are interested . I promise you , it is a sermon every man and every woman needs to hear - - in MY opinion , of course . Now I must run around the rest of the day getting ready for our family reunion next weekend . # 1 on the plan is for us to invite everyone to join us upstairs in front of the big screen for church next Sunday morning . We put God first here , company or not . The internet here is SO SORRY ! I have 3 or 4 videos to upload , but can 't do it . I 've forgotten now what they even were about . Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm . Oh ! About the last quilt and my longarm . And a tutorial about Sure - fit Designs for the lady that asked . We are going to try changing routers this week per the advice of our computer - fix - it guy here . We were going to change to another company , but he told us they were worse than the one we already have . Nice to live in the woods EXCEPT for that ! I will be receiving a 2014 Demo Longarm in a few days . I traded my 2006 in because mine ran out of warranty . The " new " demo machine has a lifetime warranty . I am happy and nervous at the same time . It is very different than my 2006 model . I may be making lots of phone calls for assistance for awhile . Doesn 't look like much to most of my readers , I 'm sure , but it looks awesome to me ! For one thing , it is white instead of dark gray . I really like that . I am keeping my table , so it won 't match , but I couldn 't figure out HOW I would get the table OUT of my house since it came INTO the house through the window when we were building my sewing room into the attic . There was a scaffolding outside the second story window then . There is NOTHING under the window now but cement . I better quit making blouses and start making some new quilts ! And , YES , we are having a family reunion . Nothing like the family reunion we used to go to in Ohio when I was growing up . I swear , every other person within 500 miles of Youngstown , Ohio is MY relative . I kid you not . When I was 17 years old , my parents sent me to Ohio to live with my grandparents for a year . They did not approve of my boyfriend in Phoenix , AZ , and they had very good reasons not to , although at the time , I sure didn 't agree with any of them . I was sent away to my grandparent 's house where I was supposed to be SAFE from all evil boys . The very FIRST thing that happened was I made a friend at school . Her name was Diane . She was dating a boy named John . John 's parents owned a bar . A real bar with pool tables and liquor and lots of wild customers every night . GUESS where I hung out all the time ? Yep . At the bar with Diane and John . One night I was there - - only 17 - - and some guy came over and started flirting with me . He wanted to take me on a date . I asked him what his name was . I told him my name . He looked at me strange , and then he said , " I think we are related " . When I got home , I asked my grandparent about him . Sure enough . We were some number of cousins . 1st , 2nd or 3rd . The next guy I met was a cousin too . He said he didn 't care . He told me I made his toes curl up . We went to visit cousins in Pennsylvania , and my third cousin there wanted to marry me ! I think there may have been a HUGE shortage of girls in those parts . I sure was glad when I got to leave Ohio ! ANYWAY , we used to go there to family reunions . They would be outside on the lawn of some relative 's house . The food was set out in dish after dish after dish down the center of table after table after table . Every kind of meat and veggy and pickle and jam and salad and dessert were arrayed there , a whole bunch of which I had never seen before , and I wasn 't too sure if I should eat them . And the RELATIVES ! Women had so many children in my grandparents ' day , and I think every parent - - every kid - - and every grand and great grandkid showed up for those reunions . There were people EVERYWEHRE . This coming weekend we are having a very small family reunion but it is GINORMOUS for this family . There will be a total of 11 of us . Two of our grandchildren will be gone by the time the rest arrive , but we were lucky to get to have them at all . They are coming from California , and they have to make all the rounds . There will be 9 of us gathering next Sunday for a day of just enjoying each other and celebrating our oldest grandson leaving Alaska where he has been stationed for three years . I 've decided our huge buffet on all the long tables will be at the Alberta Creek Cafe down the road . We have already made reservations . Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh , yes ! Air conditioning and I don 't have to cook - - at least , for that meal . Jerry and I have been running around inside and outside all day long doing things we didn 't care about until we found out all these people are coming to visit . THANK GOD , a man named Stevie came to do all the mowing and tree trimming today . Jerry would have tried to do it , and it would have been too much . The guy that came would stand on the VERY TOP of his ladder with a chainsaw in his hand cutting down limbs ! We could NOT believe our eyes ! He trimmed dozens of trees , picked up all the branches and hauled them to a burn pile , and then he mowed and weed - eated our huge several - acre lawn . He is coming back soon to do more . What a blessing ! Jerry trimmed hedges and burned stumps . I cleaned toilets , vacuumed , mopped , changed from boring hand soap to pretty scented handsoap for my daughter ; made sure all showers had shampoo , conditioner and soap ; made sure beds all had clean sheets and found the two blow - up mattresses ; gave Jackie the best trim I could which isn 't saying much ; fixed lunch and supper and now I am typing this to you . I used to brag that I mopped my kitchen floor only two or three times a year . It 's true . I would occasionally have to wipe up a spot or two , but other than that , it just never needed more than vacuuming . It rained here yesterday and again really hard this morning for about two hours . Not only did it rain , Jerry has just dumped new top soil in several big areas of our large back yard . Usually , Jackie can go out when it is wet and come back in , and I just grab the towel I keep by the door and wipe her paws . She knows to sit and lift them up to me , one at a time . I have a routine for when Jackie comes in and her feet are real dirty . I fill a bowl with water . I put one paw at a time down into the bowl of water - - shake it around a bit - - pull it out of the water into the towel and wipe it off . You may recall I got Jackie during the snowy season , so she was always coming in with dirty paws . Yesterday , Jerry was here when she appeared at the door like that . We turned on the hose on the patio and just sprayed her off with that . Tonight , I am here alone . It didn 't seem THAT wet outside since it had not rained since this morning , so I just called Jackie in . She came running in and landed on the towel just inside the door and got into her " sit down and lift up paws " position . I looked at paw # 1 and was IN SHOCK . It wasn 't just DIRTY , it was CAKED and FILLED IN - - like spackle in holes in a wall - - all over , around and in between her nails and her pads . Little chunks of mud were falling faster than I could catch them . I led her QUICKLY into her room , which is our large laundry room , as she dropped chunk after chunk of little mud balls in a messy trail the whole way in . There is a sink in there and a pitcher I use to fill water bowls for the cats and Jackie . I put the drain plug in the sink and began filling it with water . I grabbed a handful of microfiber rags and threw them in the sink . I pulled one wet rag out - - gave it a good wring - - and I called Jackie to " come " . She sloooooooooowly walked over to me , not sure WHAT I was going to do . She got in the " sit and lift paws " position , and I started washing paw # 1 . I washed and washed , but it would NOT come clean . The more I rubbed , the more mud appeared . I was getting QUITE frustrated as I looked down at the navy blue rugs I had JUST washed a few days ago , now covered with brown water spots , and Jackie could tell . THEN , I noticed the plastic pitcher on the counter . I decided to fill the pitcher with water so I could put Jackie 's leg down inside it and let the mud and dirt go into the water . Jackie was off in the corner watching me . I put the pitcher down on the floor with rag in - hand , and I called her . " Come to Mama " , Jackie . She looked at me like I was about to stick her face in that pitcher and drown her . She wasn 't budging ! I picked up the pitcher and walked over to her . I lifted up her leg and stuck it down into the pitcher . She realized what I wanted to do , so she stood up and let me do it . The water in the pitcher quickly turned dark brown with streams of dirt dribbling off Jackie 's leg . I had to do that at least 3 times per leg - - with new water each time - - before it quit turning dark brown . Then I had to do her face and her tummy and her behind ! By now , everything in the room had dirty brown water splashed on it ! You should have seen the floor in the laundry room and in the kitchen after that fiasco . Of course , the new miracle mop and bucket were already there from yesterday when I had to clean her up . I then vacuumed and mopped the path from back door to laundry room for the THOUSANDTH TIME since I got Jackie ! Yesterday morning , life was as usual around here . Just Jerry and me going about our daily chores with no exciting plans at all for any change of pace or any visitors . Jerry called me about noon and informed me that our two grandchildren are coming from California to visit all their various Grandmas , Grandpas , Aunts , Uncles and Cousins . Jerry said we were going to get to have the kids for maybe one day . WELL ! Let me tell you . That may not seem like a big thing to most people , but to us it is H U G E ! We hardly ever see these grandkids because they live so far away . When they do come to town , there are no less than a thousand people who adore them and want to see them . Jerry asked me to " make arrangements " . I set about doing that by # 1 , trying to figure out WHAT day the kids would actually come to our house . Their very nice other Grandma called me several times and was very generous in making plans for us . We will have them one night and most of the next day . My other granddaughter , Lindy , who lives in Oklahoma is very fond of the California granddaughter , so I wanted to be sure she could come down to our lake house on those same days . She is older and has a job , so she had to ask for time off work to come . Still not positive she can get off , but we are very hopeful . RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT , I received a call from my Army Grandson in Alaska . He told me that he and his wife , Hollie decided to make a stop in Oklahoma before heading to their next post in Arizona . WOW ! Another HUGE event in our lives . This young man is at the very TOP of the special list in this family . I tell you the truth - - and only Moms and Grandmas will understand this - - a hug from this grandson heals my soul . He knows it too , so he gives me really good hugs ! I have called him " Boo Bear " since he was a baby . This is a picture of a picture I just snapped . I keep this on my frig where I can see it every day . It was taken several years ago when I wasn 't QUITE as ancient as I am now . He caught his first fish when he was 2 or 3 years old . Papa brought it INSIDE our mobile home and put it in the bathtub with a big branch from a tree . That fish was there all day . Boo Bear was SO PROUD of it . I have pics of that too , of course , but I won 't make you look at them . His proper name is John . John told me that he and Hollie wanted to come to our house while they were in Oklahoma . GREAT ! I 'm hoping they can come the day the other kids are here . Later that day , I heard from my daughter - - John 's Mom . She texted me that she and her husband and maybe her other son were all coming down to join us when John is here . SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! We have a fun family reunion OUT OF THE BLUE to look forward to . Do you remember in just my last post , or maybe the one before , I said it would take a MIRACLE for Lindy and Lauren to be here together at the same time . Here it is just days after I typed that sentence , and the girls will be here in two weeks . ISN ' T GOD GOOD ? ! Gotta go . Need to go to the patio swing and tell Jackie how adorable and pretty she is . She will be so excited to have company coming . She goes insane when my daughter , Tammy , comes . Tammy nursed her back to life when she was a puppy and had parvo . Tammy and Len have a kennel and make puppies to sell . I should be able to buy a half - brother for Jackie in 6 to 8 months . I grew up in Phoenix , AZ so you can pretty much figure out why I am a SUNSHINE lover ! Back in the olden days when I grew up , children played outside as much as possible , because being inside - - at least , at my house - - meant you had to work . I was so dark - skinned in those days , people thought I was Mexican . When I moved to Ohio when I was 16 , someone asked me if I was Italian . Are Italians dark - skinned ? We didn 't get to " go to church " this morning because our internet service decided to move SLOWER than a turtle going backwards . We couldn 't watch Roku last night , and I couldn 't read my email this morning . I decided to call AT & T - - our internet provider - - and after 30 minutes talking to some technician guy , I handed the phone to Jerry as the guy started asking me hard questions I could not answer . Jerry was on the phone with him for TWO HOURS . I am able to type this post to you on my DESKtop computer , but my LAPtop isn 't picking up any signals today . My Mom always wore an apron . Did yours ? My Mom wore the most beautiful clothes to work and to church , and she had to have an apron to cover them when she cooked or cleaned . My mother didn 't own a pair of jeans , and I 'm not sure she owned a pair of slacks until I was older . I NEVER saw her in a tee shirt in those days . Look at this actual pattern of aprons on top of fancy dresses . One lady has PEARLS on ! The aprons in the picture are fancy enough to wear to church as a skirt ! I would have to wear an apron OVER my apron if it was that gorgeous ! I had lined up about 10 empty bags that I keep from Braum 's . Nice , strong paper bags with sturdy handles . I got out my fattest , darkest marker and wrote " GOODWILL " across all the bags . Then I started filling them up . I started by putting ALL the apron fabrics except for one into one bag . I continued filling all the bags with clothes I kept for " just in case " the grandkids came when they were young and forgot something and clothes for great grandkids in case I was ever to keep one or more of them . As you know , I 'm not permitted to see my only great grandchild , so I decided to get rid of all the baby things and little kid things . There were books and gadgets and socks and toys and shirts and jeans and . . . . BUT , I decided to keep ONE of the apron fabrics and make an apron . I figured it would only take an hour at the most . After all , is it really necessary to do fitting adjustments to an APRON ? Now ERASE FROM YOUR MIND the aprons in the picture above or you will throw up when you see mine . This one will actually have wet hands dried on it , doggy hairs wiped off on it and Kleenex in the pockets . You KNOW my " non - shedding " dog , Jackie ? Well , that was another one of life 's big jokes ! First FITTING issue , was I had to put in some short bust darts to keep things from falling into the sides of my apron into the gaping fabric on the sides . The pattern gave five choices of pockets . I chose these cute gathered ones . I shortened the apron by four inches . I did NOT have any double - fold seam binding in a color that matched this fabric . I had this SINGLE fold narrow seam binding . It took me hours to put this stuff on , and I ran out . I had to put a piece of white binding at the center back neck . Fortunately , it won 't show . I am a semi - retired business owner - secretary - bookkeeper . My husband still works all the time . I spend a lot of time sewing these days and reading blogs of others who sew . Underneath each day 's post you will see the word " Comments " . It may have a number in front of it like this " 2 Comments " . Click on that , and it will take you to a comment box . If the choices of accounts don 't make sense , choose " Anonymous " . Just put your first name in the post please so I 'll know who you are . |
When Jerry 's brother died penniless shortly after his Mother 's death , the responsibility to handle everything fell on Jerry and me - - as usual . Bob didn 't go to church , so there wasn 't a pastor or a place to have a service . So I decided to use his Mother 's house - - that had been for sale for over two years and hadn 't sold - - to have a memorial service for Bob . It was just days after that when we got a call that there was a contract on the house . So HOW PERFECT was God 's timing after all ? Since it is Sunday morning , I must first tell you about the sermon . IT WAS AWESOME ! If you need healing , and you aren 't sure what the Bible says about it , this is the sermon for you . Pastor Hagee broke it down into FIVE steps : 4 - Denounce the kingdom of darkness . Let me interject some " Queen Joy " here . This is where I always get into trouble with my friends and my family . Quija Boards , Tarrot cards , shows about vampires and witches and on and on I could go ; and it is my belief that tattoos are in this category . The Bible says " do not put marks on your body " . In case you don 't believe that , here is the scripture : " ' Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves . I am the LORD . ( Leviticus 19 : 28 ) Does that mean I don 't like you if you have a tattoo . Of course not ! ! ! It means that I won 't be getting any , and now , you know the reason why . You can listen to Pastor Hagee talk about the kingdom of darkness and the occult and hopefully , not get mad at me . I am just the messenger telling you about today 's sermon . 5 - Recognize ALL healing comes from the Holy Spirit . ( Romans 8 : 11 ) I guess you could say I like to HUNT if that involves hunting for fabric on line or in a fabric store . I have a very short fishing attention span . I will throw the bait in the water IF someone will put the nasty thing on my hook for me , but if I don 't get some action in the next 15 minutes , my mind is telling me to TURN AND RUN as fast as you can , as soon as you get the chance , right back up to your sewing haven ! My reply to that is always the same : I will learn how to bait my own hook and take off my own fish AS SOON AS YOU LEARN HOW to sew a blouse and make a quilt . And I STILL haven 't told you what happened . . . . I 'm getting there ! I live on this little 40 - acre patch of ground that a friend developed many years ago . My husband actually helped him do it . Our friend 's name is Dennis . He cleared the land and chopped it up into plus or minus 5 - acre tracts . Since my husband was the first to know about it , he got to choose WHICH 5 - acre tract he wanted to buy , and he actually ended up buying two of them totalling about 11 acres . Jerry chose the land because it had two very good areas to build ponds on , which he did . Dennis and Jerry chose the name " Stonebrook " for this development . So , as you can imagine , there aren 't very many people who live in here . I think there are a total of six homes . People have moved in and out and in and out and ALL THE WHILE , I have been BEGGING God to send me a SEWING / QUILTING FRIEND to live in one of those houses . And you have probably figured out what is SO EXCITING by now . Jerry and I were walking down the " plank " ( I call it that because it is a long , narrow wooden walkway that is at a severe angle right now due to the lake being so low ) to our favorite marina restaurant . Just as we were getting near it , another bunch of folks got there too . I was on the phone with my daughter , so we let the other people get ahead of us . When they did , my husband recognized the man in the group to be the new neighbor that moved in just a short time ago into one of the vacant houses here in Stonebrook . We had HEARD about these people , and I promise you I never heard anything even resembling the subject of sewing or quilting . We were told they were into collecting cars and boats . I figured the Mrs . would be built like Raquel Welch and wear racing tights and leather boots up to her knees - - or would that be someone who rides horses - - whatever . Sure didn 't seem like a sewing machine would be in the house . I very much wanted to meet them , so I got off the phone . I walked up to the people that Jerry was already talking to , and I introduced myself . I said , " Hi ! , I am Joy " . She said , " Hi ! , I am Terri " . She said she had more company coming , and they were leaving town for a few days after that . She said she could come over Thursday . THEREFORE , I have to go ! I have to clean up my sewing room - - make a new dress - - make a new quilt - - and TRY TO CALM DOWN ! As I posted in an earlier blog , my soldier - boy , John , finally got to come home from Alaska with his wife Hollie . They were kind enough to come down and visit the old folks for a few days . John 's sister , Lindy , arrived on Thursday just moments after Lauren and Walker were delivered by their other grandmother . Papa and I and the three grandkids left our store in town and headed for our house 8 miles South of town . Papa went in his vehicle to get gas . I was alone in my car as the two younger kids wanted to ride with Lindy in her car . While we had been sitting at the store , I was telling the kids how LOW the water is in Lake Texoma and how we had not had enough rain to even fill the tiny bowl on top of our bird bath . One day , it rained for less than ONE MINUTE ! I was on the front porch . I explained that we probably would not be able to go out in the boat because the lake was so low . WELL , wouldn 't you know it ! As we were driving home from our store , the skies opened up and it began POURING BUCKETS of rain . It rained the whole rest of the day . We had to fish on our dock in the rain . We weren 't complaining because we have been in a 3 - year drought in these parts , and we LOVE the rain . It put a damper on our activities though . During the heaviest part of the rain , we decided to play a game , and I love that these kids LIKE to play games . They chose Pictionary - - my favorite ! Lindy and Lauren were partners , so poor Walker had to be my partner because Papa hadn 't gotten home yet . When Papa did get home , he was on BOTH teams . We had the PERFECT place to play . Look : And Lindy , bless her heart , is the bait - putter - oner and the line untangler , and the Grandma helper . I 'm sure she caught fish too , but I didn 't get a pic . Remember , it was raining . I wasn 't getting out from under the roof ! After all tired of fishing it was time for Pizza - - Pepperoni and Supreme . I made the mistake of putting both pizzas in the oven ON THE RACKS - - per the directions . Take my advice : DON ' T DO THAT ! ! ! The pizza on the top rack wasn 't getting enough heat - - or something - - and the bottom of the dough was hanging down BETWEEN the bars of the rack like very droopy dough boobs ! I had NO IDEA how I was going to get that thing out of the oven . Fortunately , Lindy is a Pizza expert since she works at Hideaway Pizza , and she figured out what to do . John and Hollie arrived about 2 : 30 on Friday , and that was very exciting for me , of course . John was SO TALL and SO HANDSOME and SO WONDERFUL and his wife , Hollie was still SO BEAUTIFUL and SO SWEET . This was the first of many hugs from my favorite Soldier : The next day was a fabulous day with John and Hollie and Lindy . We went out in the " big boat " ( compared to our small fishing boat ) and played on Lake Texoma . John helps us with everything . He knows how to handle the boat and back it up and park the trailer and all that stuff Jerry usually has to do . It is such a pleasure to have John help with all the tasks involved in boating . After lunch , John and Hollie and John and Lindy played on the tube and then the skis . John had ENDLESS energy ! Lindy was next in show - off - ability . Hollie got pooped after a ride with Lindy and then John on the tube . I got pooped just watching ! THEN was our dinner at Alberta Creek Cafe . I was really looking forward to it because it is so nice now with the new managers . I had made a special request for a slight adjustment to a pie they serve there . It is kind of a cheesecake on bottom with strawberries and glaze on top . I asked them if they could " throw a few blueberries on top " to make it red , white and blue for my grandson , and I explained he was a soldier coming home from Alaska . We had a table reserved , so we sat down immediately . The waitress had been told by management to scoot right on over to our table , and she was there before I had even adjusted myself in my chair ! I don 't know WHY we got such preferential treatment , but we did . Our dinner came quickly , and it was time for dessert . I signaled to one of the staff that we had a special pie . She said , " Oh , I KNOW ! I will take care of it . " In a few moments the lady that made the pie - - Wanda - - arrived at our table with the pie in her hands . I squealed with delight that I 'm sure the whole restaurant probably heard , and asked if I could take a picture . John got up and stood next to Wanda . This is blurry , but I 'm so glad I got it . Wanda had waited until that afternoon to make the pie so it would be very fresh . She also made it look like an American Flag . It was WONDERFUL , and I was SO TOUCHED that she did that for John . Here is a cut piece so you can see it is kind of a real fluffy cheesecake inside . I couldn 't believe my ears . Jerry and I both ASSUMED it was the managers - - Wanda 's daughter and her husband . Jerry went to thank them , and they said , " It wasn 't us ! " The kids said , " Grandma , you talk so loud , the whole restaurant probably knew John is a soldier . " Whatever ! As far as I 'm concerned , the WHOLE WORLD should know it . Evidently , someone was honoring his service . Sure wish we knew who so we could thank them . Then it was home again , a movie and another day . By now , it is Sunday , and you know we always have church on Sunday . We announced to the kids that we would have breakfast at 7 : 30 and church at 8 : 30 . They said to just wake them up at 7 : 30 . I went to their rooms and just lightly tapped on their doors . In two minutes , they were all in the kitchen . We enjoyed bacon and pancakes , and then we headed upstairs to church on the big screen . Now , our " church " is very relaxed . Recliners or the couch in your pj 's . Even Jackie came to church . ( EXCUSE Jackie 's weird eyes . I thought black circles would look better than bright light alien eyes . ) After church , the kids came to me and told me how much they loved it . There was a guest speaker who was quite a comedian . He could imitate John Wayne , Jimmy Stewart and others . I was getting a little disturbed at the comic act until he turned it into a good sermon about never quitting . After church , Lindy had to go home . She had come in her own car , so she left alone . Jerry , John and Hollie decided to head back out for a short fishing trip in our other boat . I thought Hollie would want to stay with me . Nope ! She LOVED going fishing . That evening , John asked if we could eat on the patio . I was thrilled he thought of it . An elegant dinner of grilled hot dogs and baked beans . And a fuzzy pic of me and my tall soldier . Behind us is a stack of my Crocs and a water hose used to wash all the mud off them over and over and over . I had the kids just grab a new pair every time we went to the pond . Sadly , about 8 pair are still out there waiting a more thorough scrubbing . And the weekend ended this morning at about 11 AM when John and Hollie drove away . They have more people to visit before they head to Arizona on June 30th to their new assignment at Fort Huachuca ( ? ) . I told them not to DARE go across the border to Mexico ! Hollie said her Dad told her not to DARE leave her house ! I am going to hurry real , real fast - - my usual pace anyway - - to post a few pictures of the two blouses I just finished . I need to make pants to go with , but I am putting sewing on hold until after our company comes and goes . I 've been cleaning house all day today . Remember the bright daisy fabric that jumped into my cart while I was getting my aerobic walking exercise at Hobby Lobby . I used my Sure - fit Designs blouse pattern recently drawn for a video that I can 't upload yet , and I messed it up ! Wish I had a " BEFORE " picture , but I don 't . What I did was forget to add 5 / 8 " seam allowance down center front for the facing . I had added 7 / 8 " for the button extension , and when I looked at it , I figured I was done with that part . SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO , my blouse ended up needing buttons smaller than flea eggs which , of course , do not exist . I finally figured out HOW I could fix it , and I was so pleased with myself . I cut the neckline much more OPEN which involved cutting below the top button and buttonhole in the blouse . Since the buttons and buttonholes were already there , I then had UNEVEN button placement on the blouse . After I finished the bright daisy blouse and discovered my gigantic mistake down center front , I decided to try again . This time I added the 5 / 8 " seam allowance . I then took in the v - neck area so it would not gap . The Cap Sleeve came out really open and big . Let 's just say I would have had to wear a REALLY PRETTY bra and be sure my belly was washed good ! My CURE for the large open Cap Sleeve was to gather it . I kid you NOT ! I thought I was going to have to apply Super Glue to my bottom and attach it to a chair to keep from grabbing Jackie , my keys , jumping into my car and heading 150 miles North to get my arms around these two ! The cat - - not so much . I wish I had the words to convey how awesome this morning 's sermon was . It is Father 's Day , so the sermon was about fathers . It is a sermon for EVERYONE , however . I beg you to listen to it if you can . It is about what America needs more than ever : Godly fathers . Before the sermon was over , Matt had tears streaming down his face . I had tears streaming down my face . I looked over at Jerry - - who isn 't one to show emotion at all - - and he was wiping a puddle away from under each of his eyes . It was THAT GOOD ! You can hear it at 11 : 00 this morning , OK time , or a video of it will be available the rest of the week . I am not affiliated with this church in any way other than we have chosen to attend it every Sunday via the internet . Pastor Hagee , Sr . reminds me of my own Father . Just go to www . getv . org if you are interested . I promise you , it is a sermon every man and every woman needs to hear - - in MY opinion , of course . Now I must run around the rest of the day getting ready for our family reunion next weekend . # 1 on the plan is for us to invite everyone to join us upstairs in front of the big screen for church next Sunday morning . We put God first here , company or not . The internet here is SO SORRY ! I have 3 or 4 videos to upload , but can 't do it . I 've forgotten now what they even were about . Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm . Oh ! About the last quilt and my longarm . And a tutorial about Sure - fit Designs for the lady that asked . We are going to try changing routers this week per the advice of our computer - fix - it guy here . We were going to change to another company , but he told us they were worse than the one we already have . Nice to live in the woods EXCEPT for that ! I will be receiving a 2014 Demo Longarm in a few days . I traded my 2006 in because mine ran out of warranty . The " new " demo machine has a lifetime warranty . I am happy and nervous at the same time . It is very different than my 2006 model . I may be making lots of phone calls for assistance for awhile . Doesn 't look like much to most of my readers , I 'm sure , but it looks awesome to me ! For one thing , it is white instead of dark gray . I really like that . I am keeping my table , so it won 't match , but I couldn 't figure out HOW I would get the table OUT of my house since it came INTO the house through the window when we were building my sewing room into the attic . There was a scaffolding outside the second story window then . There is NOTHING under the window now but cement . I better quit making blouses and start making some new quilts ! And , YES , we are having a family reunion . Nothing like the family reunion we used to go to in Ohio when I was growing up . I swear , every other person within 500 miles of Youngstown , Ohio is MY relative . I kid you not . When I was 17 years old , my parents sent me to Ohio to live with my grandparents for a year . They did not approve of my boyfriend in Phoenix , AZ , and they had very good reasons not to , although at the time , I sure didn 't agree with any of them . I was sent away to my grandparent 's house where I was supposed to be SAFE from all evil boys . The very FIRST thing that happened was I made a friend at school . Her name was Diane . She was dating a boy named John . John 's parents owned a bar . A real bar with pool tables and liquor and lots of wild customers every night . GUESS where I hung out all the time ? Yep . At the bar with Diane and John . One night I was there - - only 17 - - and some guy came over and started flirting with me . He wanted to take me on a date . I asked him what his name was . I told him my name . He looked at me strange , and then he said , " I think we are related " . When I got home , I asked my grandparent about him . Sure enough . We were some number of cousins . 1st , 2nd or 3rd . The next guy I met was a cousin too . He said he didn 't care . He told me I made his toes curl up . We went to visit cousins in Pennsylvania , and my third cousin there wanted to marry me ! I think there may have been a HUGE shortage of girls in those parts . I sure was glad when I got to leave Ohio ! ANYWAY , we used to go there to family reunions . They would be outside on the lawn of some relative 's house . The food was set out in dish after dish after dish down the center of table after table after table . Every kind of meat and veggy and pickle and jam and salad and dessert were arrayed there , a whole bunch of which I had never seen before , and I wasn 't too sure if I should eat them . And the RELATIVES ! Women had so many children in my grandparents ' day , and I think every parent - - every kid - - and every grand and great grandkid showed up for those reunions . There were people EVERYWEHRE . This coming weekend we are having a very small family reunion but it is GINORMOUS for this family . There will be a total of 11 of us . Two of our grandchildren will be gone by the time the rest arrive , but we were lucky to get to have them at all . They are coming from California , and they have to make all the rounds . There will be 9 of us gathering next Sunday for a day of just enjoying each other and celebrating our oldest grandson leaving Alaska where he has been stationed for three years . I 've decided our huge buffet on all the long tables will be at the Alberta Creek Cafe down the road . We have already made reservations . Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh , yes ! Air conditioning and I don 't have to cook - - at least , for that meal . Jerry and I have been running around inside and outside all day long doing things we didn 't care about until we found out all these people are coming to visit . THANK GOD , a man named Stevie came to do all the mowing and tree trimming today . Jerry would have tried to do it , and it would have been too much . The guy that came would stand on the VERY TOP of his ladder with a chainsaw in his hand cutting down limbs ! We could NOT believe our eyes ! He trimmed dozens of trees , picked up all the branches and hauled them to a burn pile , and then he mowed and weed - eated our huge several - acre lawn . He is coming back soon to do more . What a blessing ! Jerry trimmed hedges and burned stumps . I cleaned toilets , vacuumed , mopped , changed from boring hand soap to pretty scented handsoap for my daughter ; made sure all showers had shampoo , conditioner and soap ; made sure beds all had clean sheets and found the two blow - up mattresses ; gave Jackie the best trim I could which isn 't saying much ; fixed lunch and supper and now I am typing this to you . I used to brag that I mopped my kitchen floor only two or three times a year . It 's true . I would occasionally have to wipe up a spot or two , but other than that , it just never needed more than vacuuming . It rained here yesterday and again really hard this morning for about two hours . Not only did it rain , Jerry has just dumped new top soil in several big areas of our large back yard . Usually , Jackie can go out when it is wet and come back in , and I just grab the towel I keep by the door and wipe her paws . She knows to sit and lift them up to me , one at a time . I have a routine for when Jackie comes in and her feet are real dirty . I fill a bowl with water . I put one paw at a time down into the bowl of water - - shake it around a bit - - pull it out of the water into the towel and wipe it off . You may recall I got Jackie during the snowy season , so she was always coming in with dirty paws . Yesterday , Jerry was here when she appeared at the door like that . We turned on the hose on the patio and just sprayed her off with that . Tonight , I am here alone . It didn 't seem THAT wet outside since it had not rained since this morning , so I just called Jackie in . She came running in and landed on the towel just inside the door and got into her " sit down and lift up paws " position . I looked at paw # 1 and was IN SHOCK . It wasn 't just DIRTY , it was CAKED and FILLED IN - - like spackle in holes in a wall - - all over , around and in between her nails and her pads . Little chunks of mud were falling faster than I could catch them . I led her QUICKLY into her room , which is our large laundry room , as she dropped chunk after chunk of little mud balls in a messy trail the whole way in . There is a sink in there and a pitcher I use to fill water bowls for the cats and Jackie . I put the drain plug in the sink and began filling it with water . I grabbed a handful of microfiber rags and threw them in the sink . I pulled one wet rag out - - gave it a good wring - - and I called Jackie to " come " . She sloooooooooowly walked over to me , not sure WHAT I was going to do . She got in the " sit and lift paws " position , and I started washing paw # 1 . I washed and washed , but it would NOT come clean . The more I rubbed , the more mud appeared . I was getting QUITE frustrated as I looked down at the navy blue rugs I had JUST washed a few days ago , now covered with brown water spots , and Jackie could tell . THEN , I noticed the plastic pitcher on the counter . I decided to fill the pitcher with water so I could put Jackie 's leg down inside it and let the mud and dirt go into the water . Jackie was off in the corner watching me . I put the pitcher down on the floor with rag in - hand , and I called her . " Come to Mama " , Jackie . She looked at me like I was about to stick her face in that pitcher and drown her . She wasn 't budging ! I picked up the pitcher and walked over to her . I lifted up her leg and stuck it down into the pitcher . She realized what I wanted to do , so she stood up and let me do it . The water in the pitcher quickly turned dark brown with streams of dirt dribbling off Jackie 's leg . I had to do that at least 3 times per leg - - with new water each time - - before it quit turning dark brown . Then I had to do her face and her tummy and her behind ! By now , everything in the room had dirty brown water splashed on it ! You should have seen the floor in the laundry room and in the kitchen after that fiasco . Of course , the new miracle mop and bucket were already there from yesterday when I had to clean her up . I then vacuumed and mopped the path from back door to laundry room for the THOUSANDTH TIME since I got Jackie ! Yesterday morning , life was as usual around here . Just Jerry and me going about our daily chores with no exciting plans at all for any change of pace or any visitors . Jerry called me about noon and informed me that our two grandchildren are coming from California to visit all their various Grandmas , Grandpas , Aunts , Uncles and Cousins . Jerry said we were going to get to have the kids for maybe one day . WELL ! Let me tell you . That may not seem like a big thing to most people , but to us it is H U G E ! We hardly ever see these grandkids because they live so far away . When they do come to town , there are no less than a thousand people who adore them and want to see them . Jerry asked me to " make arrangements " . I set about doing that by # 1 , trying to figure out WHAT day the kids would actually come to our house . Their very nice other Grandma called me several times and was very generous in making plans for us . We will have them one night and most of the next day . My other granddaughter , Lindy , who lives in Oklahoma is very fond of the California granddaughter , so I wanted to be sure she could come down to our lake house on those same days . She is older and has a job , so she had to ask for time off work to come . Still not positive she can get off , but we are very hopeful . RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT , I received a call from my Army Grandson in Alaska . He told me that he and his wife , Hollie decided to make a stop in Oklahoma before heading to their next post in Arizona . WOW ! Another HUGE event in our lives . This young man is at the very TOP of the special list in this family . I tell you the truth - - and only Moms and Grandmas will understand this - - a hug from this grandson heals my soul . He knows it too , so he gives me really good hugs ! I have called him " Boo Bear " since he was a baby . This is a picture of a picture I just snapped . I keep this on my frig where I can see it every day . It was taken several years ago when I wasn 't QUITE as ancient as I am now . He caught his first fish when he was 2 or 3 years old . Papa brought it INSIDE our mobile home and put it in the bathtub with a big branch from a tree . That fish was there all day . Boo Bear was SO PROUD of it . I have pics of that too , of course , but I won 't make you look at them . His proper name is John . John told me that he and Hollie wanted to come to our house while they were in Oklahoma . GREAT ! I 'm hoping they can come the day the other kids are here . Later that day , I heard from my daughter - - John 's Mom . She texted me that she and her husband and maybe her other son were all coming down to join us when John is here . SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! We have a fun family reunion OUT OF THE BLUE to look forward to . Do you remember in just my last post , or maybe the one before , I said it would take a MIRACLE for Lindy and Lauren to be here together at the same time . Here it is just days after I typed that sentence , and the girls will be here in two weeks . ISN ' T GOD GOOD ? ! Gotta go . Need to go to the patio swing and tell Jackie how adorable and pretty she is . She will be so excited to have company coming . She goes insane when my daughter , Tammy , comes . Tammy nursed her back to life when she was a puppy and had parvo . Tammy and Len have a kennel and make puppies to sell . I should be able to buy a half - brother for Jackie in 6 to 8 months . I grew up in Phoenix , AZ so you can pretty much figure out why I am a SUNSHINE lover ! Back in the olden days when I grew up , children played outside as much as possible , because being inside - - at least , at my house - - meant you had to work . I was so dark - skinned in those days , people thought I was Mexican . When I moved to Ohio when I was 16 , someone asked me if I was Italian . Are Italians dark - skinned ? We didn 't get to " go to church " this morning because our internet service decided to move SLOWER than a turtle going backwards . We couldn 't watch Roku last night , and I couldn 't read my email this morning . I decided to call AT & T - - our internet provider - - and after 30 minutes talking to some technician guy , I handed the phone to Jerry as the guy started asking me hard questions I could not answer . Jerry was on the phone with him for TWO HOURS . I am able to type this post to you on my DESKtop computer , but my LAPtop isn 't picking up any signals today . My Mom always wore an apron . Did yours ? My Mom wore the most beautiful clothes to work and to church , and she had to have an apron to cover them when she cooked or cleaned . My mother didn 't own a pair of jeans , and I 'm not sure she owned a pair of slacks until I was older . I NEVER saw her in a tee shirt in those days . Look at this actual pattern of aprons on top of fancy dresses . One lady has PEARLS on ! The aprons in the picture are fancy enough to wear to church as a skirt ! I would have to wear an apron OVER my apron if it was that gorgeous ! I had lined up about 10 empty bags that I keep from Braum 's . Nice , strong paper bags with sturdy handles . I got out my fattest , darkest marker and wrote " GOODWILL " across all the bags . Then I started filling them up . I started by putting ALL the apron fabrics except for one into one bag . I continued filling all the bags with clothes I kept for " just in case " the grandkids came when they were young and forgot something and clothes for great grandkids in case I was ever to keep one or more of them . As you know , I 'm not permitted to see my only great grandchild , so I decided to get rid of all the baby things and little kid things . There were books and gadgets and socks and toys and shirts and jeans and . . . . BUT , I decided to keep ONE of the apron fabrics and make an apron . I figured it would only take an hour at the most . After all , is it really necessary to do fitting adjustments to an APRON ? Now ERASE FROM YOUR MIND the aprons in the picture above or you will throw up when you see mine . This one will actually have wet hands dried on it , doggy hairs wiped off on it and Kleenex in the pockets . You KNOW my " non - shedding " dog , Jackie ? Well , that was another one of life 's big jokes ! First FITTING issue , was I had to put in some short bust darts to keep things from falling into the sides of my apron into the gaping fabric on the sides . The pattern gave five choices of pockets . I chose these cute gathered ones . I shortened the apron by four inches . I did NOT have any double - fold seam binding in a color that matched this fabric . I had this SINGLE fold narrow seam binding . It took me hours to put this stuff on , and I ran out . I had to put a piece of white binding at the center back neck . Fortunately , it won 't show . I am a semi - retired business owner - secretary - bookkeeper . My husband still works all the time . I spend a lot of time sewing these days and reading blogs of others who sew . Underneath each day 's post you will see the word " Comments " . It may have a number in front of it like this " 2 Comments " . Click on that , and it will take you to a comment box . If the choices of accounts don 't make sense , choose " Anonymous " . Just put your first name in the post please so I 'll know who you are . |
I awoke early , but ended up going back to sleep . I was running late , but I somehow managed to get to the station early . Diego was there and Juan was not . Diego 's friend had given him a ride . I needed to take the early train to catch up on all the work I didn 't do because I was so tired the past two weeks . I had hoped to get it done on my vacation , but I didn 't . He decided to come on the early train with me . We discussed several things and I seriously started to question whether he was the right man for me . I asked about his kids . They are younger than I thought they were . His last girlfriend must have been the one he had kids with . He Skype 's with them and sends them money . He 's afraid to marry because of his mother 's bad experience with marriage . He also told me he used to argue with his ex - girlfriend . I told him everybody has disagreements because all people are different . I told him I was afraid every guy would be like my ex - husband . That once I got married , I 'd be miserable and ignored . I also explained that 's why women don 't stay long with him , they want someone who will stick around . He said he wanted to make it on his own , do everything on his own , referring to citizenship . I told him it 's not about being with someone because you need them , its about being someone because you want them . Nonetheless , I was disappointed . I didn 't exactly want a marriage proposal tomorrow and kids the next day , but I did hope that eventually he 'd have an interest in settling down with me . I guess I hope that eventually with all relationships . It makes sense that someone who gets to his age never being married is a committmentaphobe . Maybe I should have known better . At least he 's not using me for a green card ! My own hypocrisy was lost on me until later in the day . I was disappointed and wondered how much longer I should stay with him . I like him . However , I am not stupid enough to believe that he 's going to change for me . And the longer I 'm with him , the more attached I will be and the worse it will get , right ? Or is exiting the relationship now to proactively preserve myself from likely pain and suffering stupid ? If I was younger , I would have stuck it out to see how things went . However , that stupid biological clock of mine didn 't like that answer . How long could I be happy with him just being happy with him ? Or would that question forever weigh on my mind ? We got off at the connecting station and I really wanted a cigarette . However , he insisted on staying with me at the connecting station , when I would have bought those cigarettes . When my train arrived , he gave me an awkward hug and kiss on the cheek . I could see Juan 's Spanish friends watching me talk to him . I chose not to sit with them . As soon as I got off the train , I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one , trying to hide the cigarette from the traffic as I walked . In my mind , every car that passed contained a student and parent . Even with the paranoia that I would be seen , I felt the cigarette taking effect . I managed to calm down . I was slightly disappointed at having to smoke , but I felt like I needed it . When I got to work , I discovered that the internet didn 't work on my work computer , so I couldn 't even catch up on work . I caught up on my blog instead . Then I got an email from my boss stating that she wanted to observe me with my least well - behaved class later this week . That was more work I had to do . I had to create an in - depth lesson plan for this group of students and do it soon . I told myself I just needed to get through today . I did my best not to let my mood show to my students today . I was surprisingly successful , but my heart really wasn 't in it . I got on the afternoon train anxious to get home . Juan wasn 't on there . I wasn 't terribly disappointed . I wasn 't in the best of moods and didn 't have any desire to explain why , especially with his often unpleasant questioning . On the drive home , I thought more about Diego and what he had said . I like him and even if there 's no hope for it lasting long , I would still stick it out until it became a problem . I thought about the ending of Four Weddings and A Funeral , how the couple resolves not to marry and decide that it 's something they could do for the rest of their life . If I could trust that somebody could do that , I would be content in that scenario . But could I trust someone enough to have kids with them if they 're not married to me ? I suppose it 's too early in the relationship to think about such things , but at what point should I think about it ? At what point does it become a problem ? Diego and I were texting and he asked when I was getting my period . Usually guys aren 't that upfront about it , but i don 't have qualms discussing it , so I told him it was coming soon , probably this week . He said we couldn 't have sex during my period . I just thought he was grossed out about it . It turns out , he had some weird cultural belief that it was bad for me and could make me sick . In hindsight , the translation may have been fuzzy about what " sick " meant , but all I could think is " What kind of stupid , messed up belief is that ! ? " . He also thought menstral blood was real blood . I found myself getting angry at his ignorance , which is not something that I usually do . I rarely judge others beliefs and they rarely elicit an emotional reaction from me . Is it because I 'm emotionally attached to him ? He sent me a number of articles in Spanish and I sent him a number of articles in English . I calmed down enough to try and form a common ground . I commented that it was strange that all the Spanish articles said one thing and the English articles another . He then stated that he didn 't like the blood . I could live with that , because at least it has a rational explanation . He then told me that the chance of contracting an STD was greater because of the menstral blood . I told him that was only true if one of us had an STD and we didn 't use condoms . I told him I didn 't have an STD and that I had been tested earlier in the year . I realized that I needed to be tested again , if I was going to continue my rule of getting tested every two partners , but I didn 't mention that to him . I tried to impart that I 'm often hornier when I get my period . He finally relented and said he 'd have sex with me on my period . I told him if he was not comfortable , that was okay . He seemed to think that period sex is a fetish I have . I must not have explained it correctly because he asked what other things I liked in sex . I really wanted to have this conversation , because I aim to please , but it was already two hours past - - - - - - - I awoke , but didn 't feel very rested . I drove the extra hour and a half to meet my friends . It was good to see them . Then I drove home . I missed an exit and didn 't realize it right away so my GPS took me on another route . Then I hit bad traffic , turning a 3 hour drive into a four and a half hour drive . When I got home , I called Chandra who had asked me to come over and help her decorate her house . I couldn 't imagine what she needed my help with , but she wanted to put lights all around the ceiling of the room she teaches her spirituality classes in and she 's too short to reach , even with a chair . It felt good to help her out . I did get annoyed because she kept pushing to have me stay and help her more , so I had to be firm . I got home in just enough time to go to bed to get 8 hours of sleep . Then I got some texts from Diego . I stayed up texting him for about two hours and then went to sleep . I did not smoke a cigarette today ! I awoke in Diego 's arms with a sore throat , feeling very tired . We had morning sex , but I was so afraid of waking my upstairs neighbors that I didn 't enjoy it . He seemed bothered by that fact because he mentioned it several times . It took me a while in hindsight to figure out why I didn 't enjoy it . I wasn 't sure at the time , so I just told him I was very tired , which was also true . I had planned to get a lot done after he left , but I ended up going back to sleep . I only had time to pack and leave for my youngest sister 's house after I woke up . I made a long drive through a lot of bad traffic . I finished my pack of cigarettes and told myself I was going to make another attempt at quitting . My sister was having some friends over for dinner . There was little food that I could eat there , but I followed my diet . Then came the dessert . She had made my favorite dessert . I gave in and took a small amount . Then I went back for seconds . And thirds . And fourths . I had never considered myself a compulsive eater before , but this clearly proved otherwise . Then I had some wine . Her friend has vastly different beliefs than me . As I stated yesterday , blind faith in a book that was written by men of faith and heavily edited since then , doesn 't sit well with me . I caught myself before I was too much of an asshole . I hid a snicker at her beliefs then excused myself to go to bed . The room was cold and the blankets were inadequate . It took me a while to get to sleep . I slept fitfully , tossing and turning , waking up when I got cold or uncomfortable , which was often . I awoke to what sounded like a phone call from my sister . I assumed she had somehow had dialed me in her sleep because it was 2am . I texted her , just in case . She was at the emergency room and her calls didn 't wake her husband up . I woke him up and he explained what happened . She had been having back problems , but after I went to bed , she couldn 't get out of her chair . He convinced her to go to the emergency room . He asked if I could keep an eye on their daughter while he drove to pick her up . I went back to bed and shivered while waiting to hear anything from their sleeping daughter . Eventually , they returned and I went back to sleep . I meant to get a lot done today , but I ended up sleeping in . I suppose I needed it , but felt groggy and lazy for the rest of the day . I did get a number of things done . I straightened out some issues I had with my student loans and a credit card company . I did a lot of holiday shopping online . I heard from Diego mid - afternoon asking if I wanted to see him later . He always asks if we 're going to have sex . I don 't know why . The answer has never been " no " . I invited him to eat here , but he was eating out with a friend . I cooked some food for myself and the coming week . I was just about to get into the shower when Diego texted me . I was surprised because he was ready so soon . I showered after he got here . We watched a whole movie and then had a lot of good conversations . We discussed some of the lapses in education in our cultures . He stated that they needed to learn about birth control in his country . That many women as young as 15 get pregnant because they don 't use condoms . I stated that our country cares too much about us being smart and knowing so much , that they really don 't education kids on how to be good people anymore . Then we got into a theological debate . He 's not Catholic like the rest of his country , but he has a lot of blind faith in the bible . I have absolutely no problems with people having faith . I have my own brand of faith . However , he seems to think that the bible has all the answers to life , yet doesn 't know it well enough to debate the point with me . He talked about how the bible states that homosexuality is wrong . I told him what other parts of Leviticus said about mixed cloths , selfish , and facial hair . He didn 't believe me . I procured my bible and he didn 't believe it because it wasn 't in Spanish . I got a little annoyed . He asked if I believed in God . I said yes . He asked if I believed in Jesus . I said yes . I really didn 't go into the fact that I don 't like religions because they tell me how to live my life . I don 't like rules unless I choose them for myself . I could see our religious beliefs getting in the way in the future . I am very inclusive in my beliefs . I believe in letting others live their life their way so long as it doesn 't affect me . That means I don 't mind if people are homosexual . I don 't mind if people are religious so long as they don 't force their beliefs on me . I was surprised to find that Diego believed that women should dress modestly in public . I do so anyway , but really am not terribly modest in private . That didn 't seem to bother him any . He also wantWe had sex eventually and I guess I was so loud I woke my upstairs neighbors because one came outside to have a cigarette not long afterwards . I felt bad . I drifted off to sleep in Diego 's arms , a little surprised that he wanted to stay the night , but I didn 't mind . I awoke in Diego 's arms . It was the nicest feeling . I checked my phone and saw a text from my sister asking when she would see me for Thanksgiving . I was pretty vague and told her I would let her know when I was leaving . Before Diego left , I took a picture of the two of us and asked if I could put it on Facebook . After he left , I updated my relationship status and posted the picture in the comments section . I was surprised at how many people commented wishing us well and congratulating me for finding someone . Several people liked the picture as well . When I got to my mom 's house , I was surprised at all of the questions everybody asked about Diego . They asked everything from how we met to what country he was from . I was told that he was good - looking . Then my conservative uncle ( it seems like everyone has a family member like this ) asked if he entered the country legally . I gave him the answer he wanted to hear , which was that he is here legally . I conveniently left out the fact that he initially entered it illegally . My uncle failed to be moved by the few stories Diego told me about the conditions in his country . He even failed to be moved by they story of his young dead cousin , saying that it could happen here . My mom came to the rescue and said it was only likely here in a few sections of some cities . I didn 't understand how someone could be so cold hearted . It certainly caused my uncle to sink in my esteem . The rest of Thanksgiving was good . I ate foods I shouldn 't have . An hour or two later , I felt the depression creeping up . I recognized it when I got annoyed with Diego for taking so long to respond to my texts . I didn 't let him know . We had made plans to go hiking tomorrow and he cancelled , saying that he had to go to the immigration office to file some papers . He also has to call his mom . The building she lives in in Guatemala has now become unsafe due to some bad people living in the building . He was going to do what he could to help . I definitely must have been feeling depressed , because I was more annoyed at his cancelling our plans than at worrying about his mother . I left early , not wanting to be rude or let my depression show too much . Today I 'm grateful for living in a place where I do not need to worry about the safety of my family . I am grateful that I got to see so much of my family today . I am grateful for the fact that my worries are comparatively small compared to people in other areas of the world . I awoke early this morning . I stayed in bed reading until noon . I barely ate anything . I felt like I was in a haze . Was I depressed ? Was I just suffering from withdrawal from the world that I had encountered in my book ? I didn 't know how I felt . That 's not normal for me . Usually I can discern how I feel . I thought a lot about Diego as my boyfriend . Did I make the right decision ? How would this affect my life ? I wondered how I would be able to balance Diego as my boyfriend with my working life . I couldn 't handle many more late nights and continue to work effectively . Or could I ? I was too tired to do work effectively before . Could I do it if I pushed myself ? Would he understand if I told him I had to be in bed by 8 on weeknights ? I was oddly comfortable with the fact that he was now my boyfriend without the distracting overabundance of emotions that I had experienced with boyfriends past . I like many things about Diego , but he is not an intellectual . He didn 't understand my preoccupation with books . He didn 't spell all of his Spanish words correctly , which hindered me in my attempts at translating his words . I hoped that wouldn 't affect things over the long term . I do like him for the many things that he is . I like that we talk about ideas . I like that he works with his hands and enjoys it . I like that he 's sweet , that he clearly cares about me , and that he is happy to have me in his life . I like that he enjoys the simple things in life like movies , cuddling , sex , etc . Maybe after I spent so long ( comparatively ) just worrying about and taking care of myself , I am unaccustomed and a little afraid of having to figure someone else ( and their thoughts and opinions ) into my life . I am afraid that I will undo all the good things in my life that I have done for myself recently for his sake . And I am afraid that I am with him because I am afraid of being alone . I will have to work through my fears just as he will have to work through his . I talked to Kevin about my trepidation and fears . He said it 's only natural . I told him it wasn 't natural for me . I usually am so head - over - heels at the beginning of a relationship that I wonder if we 'll get married and start fantasizing about what our kids would look like ( which , in this case , would be damn adorable ) . Maybe I have reached the stage in my life where I can have a normal beginning of a relationship with its normal fears and reluctance . Kevin also reminded me that I had asked God , the Universe , whoever , for a boyfriend to keep myself away from Juan . It was out of unselfishness that I wanted one . Funny that not long after I asked , I received ! I got the oil changed on my car , then returned home to try and clean up as much as possible before my date with Diego . I actually put on makeup and we went out to the restaurant that his cousin owned . Our conversation was a bit sparse . He talked about applying for a job . Even though he was very qualified , they never called him because of who he was ( a Hispanic man ) . I have lost jobs because of who I was before , but being white , my issues are easier to hide . They don 't just look at my name and decide against me like they do for him . We went back to my place to watch a movie . It was funny and we laughed a lot . We even made it through the whole movie before ending up in the bedroom . We had made plans for him to spend the night . I was reminded yet again how much I love the feeling of his skin against mine . I fell asleep in his arms . Today I 'm grateful for getting back to eating normally after my fast food slip up today . I 'm grateful that I was able to read the morning away . I am grateful that I am not as discriminated against as Diego and other Hispanics in this country ( though I do pity them and wish there was something that I could do ) . Last night I had decided I was going to quit smoking . I finished my pack and told myself that it was going to be my last . Things were going good in my life , so I shouldn 't have a problem quitting . I awoke late today and ended up on the same train as Diego again . I didn 't have time to eat breakfast or pack a lunch . I told him I had talked to Juan on the train yesterday . He asked what I had told him . I told him that I was tired because I had someone over the night before . I told Diego that Juan had asked many questions , but I didn 't answer all of them . I told him that Juan had asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him that I didn 't know . I asked Diego if he was my boyfriend . He said he had answered me , though I don 't remember getting that text . He said he wanted to get to know me better . I asked him if there was a problem . He said no , that he just wanted to know me better . After that , I was too sad for much further conversation . He hugged me goodbye at the connecting station and said we would talk later . After he left , I went to the store at the station and bought a pack of cigarettes . As I was smoking , I wondered if it was because I had told him about my mother the other day and as best as I could , my depression . But I reasoned that he had avoided the question before then , so maybe not . Either way , I was instantly thrown into a mild depression , despite the doubts that I had myself yesterday . I just had to get through today and then I had five days off to worry about and deal with it . I decided that we should go back to going out on actual dates rather than our " dates " where he came over , we watched a movie that we talked through and eventually had sex . I compared what I had with Diego to what I had with Bryan ( who was born here , but he was half Porter Rican ) . It started off intense and he made me believe that he wanted more than sex , but that 's mostly what we did together . While Diego didn 't have kids here or a recent separation , I saw similarities in the situations . My very quick attachment , me being quick to have sex with him , and now his reluctance . Was this a pattern that I was somehow causing by my behavior ? Or was it something the Universe kept sending my way over and over until I learn my lesson ? What lesson would that be ? To not have sex so soon ? To not get attached so quickly ? I don 't know . All I know is that I can 't control my emotions , I can only control how I react to them . So how can I react to this in a good way ? My workday passed . I received several sweet texts from Diego who also made plans with me for Wednesday night . I insisted on dinner or something else that was not sex first . If he wanted to get to know me better , he would have the opportunity . Also , my married friend ( I forgot what name I called him on this blog ) texted me again to have sex . I told him no . I told him I had something with a guy , but didn 't know what it was yet . He said that was fine , that we could just do massages . I said maybe , wondering how Diego would react to that . ' But he 's not my boyfriend , ' I told myself meanly , ' he doesn 't need to know because he doesn 't have a right to know . ' I took the train home and Juan sat with me as usual . I told him about the friend texting me and how I turned him down . I never voluntarily used Diego 's name , though I wondered why I was reluctant to . I told him that I liked the one man and he was enough for me . He started talking about the various women who were interested in him at various points . He again asked me how long we had sex for . I told him it was for long enough . He then said he can have sex for over an hour . I tried to listen politely , but started looking forward to the end of our train ride . Diego texted me halfway through about his bad day . I tried to hide the texts from Juan after Diego said something about it . Juan saw one and laughed . I couldn 't fathom what was so funny . When I got home , Diego and I continued to text . He made plans with me to sleep over on Wednesday night . I was surprised , but pleased . He said he was afraid to have a girlfriend because things don 't last long between him and girlfriends . I know he has two kids in Guatemala and wondered about their mother . He hadn 't mentioned her except to call her a liar and say that he was never married to her . He stated that things never lasted long because he has a strong character . I guess he meant a strong personality and said I had one too . That 's true enough . Then he got down to the heart of the issue . He was afraid because we were from different cultures . I told him that 's not important if we work together . We both identified what we did and didn 't like about each others cultures . Then , to my surprise , he said we would be boyfriend and girlfriend . He told me that if there 's something I don 't like , to talk to him before I judge . He said he doesn 't like fights . I told him I always tell the truth , but that some people don 't want to hear the truth all of the time . He said he hoped it wouldn 't be an obstacle . I told him I suspected that our biggest obstacle would be communication until I learned more Spanish . He laughed . After a day of being disappointed and preparing myself to deal with a Diego that doesn 't want to be my boyfriend , I found myself contemplating what it meant to be his girlfriend . I started wondering and worrying that it meant different things because of our different cultures , but I suppose that is a discussion for another day . I woke up very tired . It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed after the 5th time I hit the snooze button . I was very groggy and drove to the train feeling very hazy . I tried to sleep on the train , but I failed . My walk to work was cold this morning . I thought about something Diego said last night about how he just focused on work when he didn 't have a woman . I thought about the numerous times I was depressed because I didn 't have a man and wondered why I didn 't focus on my job as a source of contentment and happiness . Then I thought about it . As a special area teacher , I kept getting laid off from various school districts due to budget cuts . It seemed that once I got attached to the school and the students , I had to leave again . I cried every time , but not usually where the students could see me . I tried not to find happiness in my work because then I got attached to the happiness , to the work . Then I got more upset when I got laid off . In the past two months , I had been focusing on my work to try and placate the feelings of loneliness . Now , it seems that things with Diego are overshadowing my work in my list of priorities . Either that , or I am just too tired that I can 't concentrate on work . Both are a serious possibility . I 'd like to think that it 's the latter . I will find out soon enough . I intend to catch up on sleep during Thanksgiving break . I think the moral of this story is to not get too attached to anything . That 's easier said than done , however ! Juan wasn 't on the train this morning . To be honest , I was relieved . The more I talk to Diego , the more I 'm convinced that Juan is not a nice person . In a random conversation with Diego about various forms of immigrants being here , he told me that green cards have to be renewed every 10 years . Juan has said several times that he has been here for 22 years , so he just made up that green card shit to steer the conversation towards asking me to marry him . That pissed me off . Diego also had some instances where he was not terribly respectfI spent the day at work trying to be as enthusiastic as I could towards the students . I tried not to show how tired I was . I hoped it was effectual . Diego had the day off and really didn 't text me much at all . I started to doubt things with him . What was I doing with this guy ? I really didn 't know him well . He seemed mostly interested in the sex at this point . He kept avoiding the boyfriend question . He was really very common looking . Last night , I noticed the lines in his face and they seemed more prominent . I noticed the irregularities in his teeth when he smiled . I thought about the endearments he used while texting and started to think maybe they were just words . I wondered what I was doing . I was so exhausted , though , I wondered if my judgement was even accurate right now . In the afternoon , I saw Juan and sat with him on the train . I told him I was very tired because I had a man over the night before . He said that I looked sad . I told I wasn 't sad , only very tired ( which was true ) . He asked several questions , some of which I answered . I debated whether or not to answer the inquiry as to whether or not I had sex . I would have told my friends this , had they asked , so I told him the truth . I refused to answer the details he asked for , such as how long we had sex for . Apparently " none of your business " doesn 't translate well into Spanish . After several failed attempts to convey that what he was asking was rude , I finally took the humorous route and told him it 's not like I was looking at a clock . Then he started talking about how he likes to go slowly and play a long time before having sex , but there were few things his wife liked . I didn 't comment . He asked about my boyfriend . I told him that the man from the night before was not my boyfriend . I instantly sunk into a reverie about Diego 's reluctance . When I got home , I still hadn 't had any texts from Diego since lunch . I told myself not to worry or think about it . That things were fading between us already and the other doubts from before re - - - - - - - - I didn 't follow my diet today . I was too tired to make rational decisions , so I ended up stuffing my face with various foods that I shouldn 't have . I did not straighten or clean today . I slept poorly on my couch . I awoke early and was not very well rested . I got to the laundromat right after it opened to wash my blankets and sheets . After I finished , I caught the early show of the last Mockingjay movie . As I waited for the movie to start , I texted Diego . He had never answered my question last night and I was worried he had misinterpreted something that I wrote . It turns out , he had . He asked if I had sex with Jason . I told him no and that I never even kissed Jason . I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend again . He ignored the question . The movie was sadder than I expected and I cried . I think I was crying a lot because of the movie and a little because of Diego 's uncertainty . After the movie , I drove to my friend Rebecca 's house for her birthday . The depressed feeling from crying was hard to get rid of . Several of my friends were there . I enjoyed seeing them again , but I was also really tired . I was reluctant to talk about Diego . It wasn 't for any reason except that they have seen me through all of the ups and downs of my love life since I split up with my ex - husband and I didn 't want to burden them with more of it . Also with Diego 's reluctance to discuss the boyfriend issue , I really didn 't want to talk about it because talking about it would make me worry about it more . Rebecca asked about my love life , however . I told them I was seeing somebody new . She inquired whether he was single , kind , and makes me happy . She gathered from the smile on my face that things were good . Diego kept texting me throughout the duration of the my time there . I felt kind of rude texting him , but I discovered that when I didn 't , I started falling asleep . I had to choose between two ways of being rude . I chose to continue texting and joined in the conversations the best that I could . During the texts between me and Diego , we made plans for the evening . I got home , cleaned up my apartment , showered , and put the cleaned sheets and blankets on my bed . I took the blankets and pillows off of the couch . - - - - - - - - - I awoke late to the smell of Diego 's cologne on the pillow next to me . I remembered that I was supposed to go hiking with Jason today . I didn 't want to go , but I said I would and I like to keep my word , so I went . The conversations and company were good . We talked about many subjects and had many laughs . I found myself comparing him with Diego . Diego wouldn 't understand most of the references and the large words I used with Jason . When we were almost done with our hike , Jason invited me to dinner , where we talked more and had more laughs . Jason then invited himself to my apartment . We stopped at a store that had a good alcohol selection and we picked up some alcohol . Then we headed to my place . He followed me there in his car . I thought about things , wondering at my choice to allow him to come over . I knew he liked me and wanted something to happen with me there . I thought about the connection I had with Diego and compared the two . Diego and I had an amazing connection . When I was in his arms , I felt like I belonged there . Jason and I had an intellectual connection that Diego and I may never have . Jason was cute and good to talk to , but he was 12 years younger and Diego was only 3 years older . I kept telling myself that I needed to spurn any advances that Jason made for Diego 's sake , but I was never very good at spurning advances , as those of you who have read some of my past entries may know . We arrived at my place and I realized that I had accidentally locked my one cat in my bedroom while I was gone . We started drinking . Diego was texting me sporadically throughout . Jason has asked me more about the Spanish guys I had mentioned on the train , so I mentioned the fact that I had three dates with Diego , but that I didn 't know what it was yet . He asked if all of the Spanish guys were as smooth with women as their reputation started . I told him Diego was a smooth talker , but rather shy in real life . Then Jason tried to put his arm around me . I looked at him and said , " No . " I realized that it was Diego Jason and I continued to hang out . I told him that he was cute and I had a lot of fun with him today ( both of which were true ) , but that I had something going on with Diego . I just didn 't know what , yet . Jason was pretty good about it and stayed a while longer , but eventually left . He gave me a hug and said he 'd let me know if he was ever hiking in the area again . I was disappointed in the lack of response from Diego , but concluded that he probably fell asleep , which was why he never responded . We were up pretty late last night and he had to work all day , so it made sense that he would have fallen asleep early . I was still disappointed from not hearing back from him . I was pretty buzzed when I climbed into bed , only to realize that it was wet . My cat had peed in it while she was locked in there . I grabbed a spare blanket and climbed onto the sofa , making sure to take the pillow that smells like Diego with me . |
I attended a weeks mediumship course at the Arthur Findlay College in Stansted several years ago with my friend Trudie . As always it had been an emotional time with most of us receiving wonderful messages from our loved ones in spirit , and most of us also giving messages to other students . Being a medium and giving such messages can be quite overwhelming at times when you know the impact that it may have on the recipient . My tutor that particular week was the very wonderful Janet Parker . She is an extremely spiritual woman and whenever I have been blessed with being in her class I have always felt that she gives each and every one of her students as much support as possible . I don 't think many people appreciate the challenges that we mediums put ourselves through when we attend these courses . It is not as if you can revise to ensure that you manage to maintain a link with spirit , or that you can practise on your own , or that you can read manuals . It really is just a case of putting yourself forward to serve spirit in the best possible way you can . It is a case of learning to allow your mind to become still so that you can connect to spirit without all the day - to - day activities , planning , worries , and the general hum drum taking over your thoughts . You have to be totally trusting when you open your awareness to make contact with spirit . Sometimes you may hear spirit , or feel them , or see visions in your mind 's eye , and you have to give the information you are given without adding your own thoughts or ideas . It is quite a discipline to learn . It is not until you try to do this for hours on end that you realise how difficult it can be to overcome all the nagging thoughts that suddenly rush into your head and scream to be heard ! Being in such a spiritual environment does seem to bring out the very best in my mediumship . I am sure that spirits are drawn to the place like moths around a light bulb . There is never a shortage of loved ones who are trying to get their messages conveyed through the students and it really does make the courses so worthwhile . The tutors guide you gently towards achieving the very best mediumship you can manage and offer tips and ideas to ensure that you develop to your highest potential . This particular week was very special as on the very first night I had received the most exact and evidential messages from both my parents through one of the tutors and then also throughout the week from several of the students . I had been going through a very tough time in my personal life and really felt the messages that I was fortunate enough to receive showed that I still had my parents around me , still loving me and supporting me and offering their advise . Each reading I had received had contained different evidence that no - one there could have possibly known . I felt incredibly blessed . As the week came to a close I felt sad that I would be leaving . Not only would I miss the teachings and the practising of my mediumship , but I knew it was unlikely that I would be in a position to receive any further communications from my parents for quite some while . Janet , and Paul Jacobs , another tutor , had organised a closing ceremony in The Sanctuary , a beautiful church attached to the college where spiritual services are held on a regular basis . It has a fantastic uplifting atmosphere and I 've always loved being there , you can almost feel arms wrapped around you as you walk in . They told us that we weren 't allowed to attend until 8pm as they had some preparations to complete . Trudie and I hadn 't really given the evening too much thought as most final evenings are nice , but not anything out of the ordinary . When we walked into the Sanctuary , just after 8pm , we were greeted by the most wonderful vision of beautiful materials and oriental rugs laid on the floor running down the centre of the church . Incense sticks were burning and candles flickered in the darkness . Hundreds of small unlit tealight candles had been placed on the materials and chairs were placed either side running the length of the Sanctuary . There was a hush of anticipation as we students all filed in quietly , taking our seats whilst gentle music was playing . Trudie and I sat next to each other about midway down the room . Janet and Paul both gave a talk about the week we had just experienced and thanked spirit for their participation in our teachings . Janet then instructed the students sitting at the end of the rows to light a candle for each loved one they had in spirit , then the lighter was to be passed to the next student , then the next etc . By the time it came to Trudie and I most of the candles were already lit and the Sanctuary looked absolutely amazing . I lit candles for my Mum , for my Dad , for my brother , for my friend Janet , and not wishing to look greedy , lit another jointly for all my aunts . uncles and grandparents in spirit . Trudie too lit candles for those she had loved and lost , including her cousin Robert whom she missed so much . When all the candles were lit Janet asked us to close our eyes . She asked us to give thanks to our guides and loved ones for helping us through the week and for allowing us to experience the love from spirit that we had all shared . Whilst our eyes were closed , and we were sitting in the candle light , Janet put on the music , To Where You Are , performed by Josh Groban . I had never heard this before and was lost in the beautiful words that meant so much to me . I couldn 't help but start crying , both because of the joy of knowing my loved ones were so close and also because of the pain and loss at realising that I can 't always reach out and touch them , speak to them , or hold them as I once did . I felt around in my pocket for a tissue and all I had was an old crumpled one . I thought it would have to do , and then I realised Trudie was crying too , she whispered to me " Do you have a tissue ? " , I only had the one , so I tore it in half , and there we were , the two of us , holding hands and using half a tissue each to mop our tears . When I was in my early twenties my ex and I lived in Twickenham and we would often drive along Richmond Road to Richmond . One day we drove past a truck with a lift attached to the back . I have no idea what they are called , but they have a small cage which normally has one or two men in it whilst they carry out maintenance to the street lamps . As we drove towards the truck I could see a film in my head of the cage being hit by a double - decker bus . I felt sick in my stomach and without realising it had let out a very loud " oh my God " . He asked me what the problem was and I told him what I had just seen in my head . He kind of tutted and said it would be fine . It was quite a long road and before the road went to the left round a bend I looked out of the back window back towards the truck . I could see a bus coming along and then to my horror it hit the cage . I gasped and shouted " oh no , you have to stop " but my ex was in busy traffic . He said that as the road was busy there would be lots of people to help . I think he expected me to just carry on as normal but I just couldn 't . In August 1990 I was working and living in Okehampton , Devon . Working so close to home meant that I could go home for lunch and give myself a welcome break from the pressure of my work . I remember one day so very well . I had sat down to eat a sandwich , put the television on and saw that the lunchtime news was giving information about a missing little girl . She was only eight years old and very strangely had been taken through an open window of a caravan whilst she and her family were on holiday in Bridport , Dorset . As I watched I felt so worried for her and concerned for her family . I doubt that anyone can imagine how it must feel to know that your child has been taken and you have no idea where she is , or even whether she is dead or alive . Oddly , as I watched the footage of a line of police officers scouring the local fields for any evidence , I had another movie playing in my head . I could see the little girl in a derelict house with a young man and she was frightened and crying . Most importantly she was alive . I felt the man was mentally unstable and that concerned me more than anything . Then , just as suddenly as the ' movie ' had started , it stopped and I was back to watching tv again . I was quite taken aback and really thought that it was just wishful thinking . There was a part of me that thought I should do something about the pictures I had just seen , but the logical part of me disregarded the nagging voice in my head , and so I put it to one side and went back to work . Throughout the afternoon though I kept seeing the same movie over and over again , and no matter how I tried to ignore it , it just wouldn 't go away . Finally , by the time I had finished work and went home I was beginning to think I was going mad . I was sure that by now they would have found the girl and as soon as I got indoors I put the tv on to see the evening news . Again , they showed the police looking for her , and yet again in my head I was shown the house she was in . I had a lurching feeling in my stomach as if I had just been given some bad news . I realised then that I couldn 't sit and do nothing and so I decided to phone my local police station . I had half expected them to tell me not to waste their time , and was in fact already wondering what else I could do if that was the case . Much to my surprise the man who answered the phone listened patiently and told me they would send a detective to come and see me . Even more surprising was that he arrived only about ten minutes later . As I opened the door a wave of embarrassment came over me , I told him that he most probably would think I was totally crazy but I just knew I had to do something and didn 't know what else to do other than phone the police . He was actually very nice and told me that having been in the police service for a number of years nothing surprised him anymore . He asked me to describe the house and the young man I had seen and also asked if I could draw the house for him . I tried my best to explain everything in the greatest detail I could , I managed to draw a rough sketch of the house and signed a formal police statement . As he left I literally prayed that someone somewhere would take notice of the information and that they would start to search houses for the little girl rather than looking in the countryside for a corpse . I really felt that time was running out and that they had been looking in the wrong place . I hardly slept that night , and again , first thing in the morning put on the tv to see the news . The little girl had still not been found . I felt I had no option but to drive the 65 miles to Bridport . I was hoping against hope that I would somehow be able to spot the house , and if I did I had planned to then inform the police . I drove around for hours , but didn 't see any houses like the one I had seen in my vision . I sadly and wearily drove back to Okehampton . A huge part of me felt I had let the little girl down and I was becoming concerned that the video I had seen in my head seemed to have gone away . I just prayed that nothing dreadful had happened to her . I was glued to the tv all evening and there was still no news . Again I had a restless night . I was puzzling why I could no longer see the pictures in my mind and also wondering if I had somehow imagined the whole thing . At last the morning arrived and the first thing I did was put the television on . Still no news . I went to work , struggling to stay awake and to stay calm but with my tummy continually churning , which I have learnt over the years is a physical response I have when spirit is close . Thankfully that day the little girl was found , safe and well . I was absolutely amazed when they showed the house on the tv and zoomed in - it was exactly the derelict house I had described to the police . Also , as I had told them , she was with a young man who was later found guilty of kidnap and imprisoned in a secure mental health unit . I now wonder if my visions had stopped because I had done all I could . I doubt if I will ever really know . After this event I seemed to go through a couple of years where many times , especially when a child went missing , I would be shown the most sad and often harrowing scenes but I was not given any further information . I would also watch tv interviews of families where children had gone missing and know instinctively who was responsible , but with no evidence to back it up I couldn 't contact anyone . I just knew that there was nothing I could do . On each occasion my ' knowing ' was proved right . Eventually I asked my guides not to let me have information if there was no action I could take to help and thankfully those kind of visions stopped . On the plus side , when I was learning to drive in deepest Devon , many of my lessons were on very narrow winding roads . Very often my driving instructor would comment on my sixth sense as I would often be happily whizzing along for miles , then I would just know to slow down and pull over , and sure enough a car would always come the other way . I had several lessons with my good friend Jeanette and she became really spooked by my unusual awareness . On so many occasions I would know exactly what other cars were going to do , even if their signals and road position indicated otherwise . One time we were behind queuing cars at traffic lights and I was supposed to get in the empty right hand lane to turn right , but I held back . Jeanette told me to move forward but I insisted that the car at the lights , indicating left and with his wheels already pointing in that direction , would be pulling across in front of me . Jeanette laughed and just thought I was being daft . Sure enough though , as the lights changed , the car in the left hand lane suddenly swung to the right and tore off at great speed . Almost thirty years ago I had a wonderful spiritual reading , by telephone , with a medium I had never met . Straight away she asked me if I ever felt ' cobwebs ' on my face as I was driving . I said yes . it was quite normal for me , and she went on to explain that it was a sign that my maternal Grandfather was with me . She told me he was a lorry driver in his life time and he was looking after me . She knew nothing about me , but she was right , he had been a lorry driver , and since that time whenever I feel ' cobwebs ' on my face I say thank you to my Grandfather . This has happened so many times , and still does , I really feel I am so fortunate to have him watching over me . Over the years I have learnt to trust spirit and the visions I have which have rarely been incorrect . I have sometimes wondered if my life would have been easier had I not been so aware , but in reality I wouldn 't change a thing . My connections with spirit have made such an enormous and positive difference to my life and hopefully , at times , have helped others along the way too . If through my awareness , even just a few people have been touched by the love of spirit and the knowledge that our lives , right now , are only part of our souls journey , then I feel truly blessed . My Dad was a research scientific glassblower . He had trained after he returned from serving in the war and after many years as an apprentice went to work for an oil company in their refinery . As a young girl I was mesmerised when I would spend hours with Dad in the garden shed as he made all different objects in glass . He would normally be making atomisers by the dozen , something he did to help pay for the very old car he and Mum had managed to buy . It was always going wrong and to pay all the garage bills Dad would take on extra work in the evenings and on weekends . In his shed he had shelves filled with glass of all different colours and would make small ornaments for us . He 'd ask us what we 'd want and we 'd excitedly shout out cat or dog or horse and within minutes the glass would be transformed into funny little characters . Even with his large hands Dad would craft the most beautiful intricate glass furniture for our dolls house and tiny glass coat hangers for our dolls clothes . It was always like magic to me , watching him heat the glass in the flame and then with various tools he would pull it into different shapes , sometimes blowing into it at the same time . It was wonderful and I loved our time together in the shed and the strange smell that only a glass blowing room has . For fun , Dad would blow very fine glass bubbles , they would waft up into the air and were so fragile that you could put your fingers through them and they would virtually disappear . Dad made beautiful gifts for friends and relatives and everyone would be in awe that he had made them in the shed . If he had not had the responsibility of a family and the need for a regular income I am sure he would have preferred to spend his time creatively rather than working with all the technical glass blowing at the refinery . When I attended a spiritualist church in London many years later , there was a young man , Martin , giving his very first inspired talk . You could tell he was extremely nervous and I had even seen him pacing up and down in the hallway before he had to take his place on the platform . He needn 't have worried at all as his talk was very good . You could tell that the congregation was hanging on his every word and you could have heard a pin drop . I noticed his aura expanding whilst he spoke and could see a vague outline of what appeared to be someone standing to the right side of him . I turned around and looked behind me to see if it could be a shadow or a play of the light , but everyone was sitting down and there were no obvious light sources . The medium on the platform was sitting to the left of Martin so I couldn 't see where this could be coming from . As he continued speaking I noticed an odd movement to the right hand side of him . There was a white - painted handrail with railings beneath which ran along the length of the platform and Martin was standing behind them and occasionally leaning on them . To my absolute amazement I could see the outline of someone leaning on the rail far to the right , and the more I looked the more form the shape took . Eventually I could see it was a man , a little taller than Martin , and surprisingly , he looked as if he was made of the glass bubbles that my Dad used to make . He was shiny and transparent ! It seemed an age that he was there , leaning on the handrail looking at everyone . I kept blinking to clear my vision because I just couldn 't really believe what I was seeing . When Martin sat down the man was no longer visible and the service went on as normal . However , when Martin stood again to say the closing prayer I could clearly see the man again . It was an experience that I know I will never forget . I spoke to Martin afterwards and asked him if he was aware of anyone standing near him but he said he wasn 't . I did very much feel that this may have been a spirit who was there to aAs time went on , and as I saw various mediums working , I began to see more and more outlines on walls behind them which would gradually form into ' glass ' people . Often it would be quite vague but sometimes I could make out distinct features , even clothes that were being worn and very often the medium would then give that as a description of the spirit communicator . When I had been away from my mediumship for several years it appeared that this ' gift ' of seeing spirit on walls or ' glass ' people had all but disappeared . I was chatting to some friends last summer and saying what a great shame that was . Then , much to my surprise , when I attended a local spiritual workshop I was sitting watching another medium demonstrate when I began to see the familiar outline slowly appearing on the wall behind her . I was thrilled ! As we worked that day the visions became clearer until I could actually use the vision as the basis for one of my readings when I was called to stand up and demonstrate . I saw a ' glass ' man leaning on a very old country gate and could see the countryside around him . Strangely I was also shown the most massive womans breast , which took up most of the wall , and I knew that he was connected to someone who had breast cancer . I was fortunate enough to be told his name , which is something I always ask for but don 't always get . I described him and the connection to the breast cancer and gave his name and immediately a woman could accept him and my communication with him strengthened . I was so grateful that I was able to give the recipient a good message from her loved one . I had just published my last post , 43 ) Interconnectedness , and whilst waiting for my toast to cool down , I was reading an email that had just arrived in my inbox . It was from Global One TV . I clicked on the link to look at their site and was drawn to take a look at the information about a film which has been made by Tom Shadyac . He directed many well - known entertaining films including The Nutty Professor , Bruce Almighty and Liar , Liar . The film he has made is a million miles away from his previous genre . I AM is a film he began to make after he was badly injured in a cycling accident and had begun to question his life , and to face the prospect of his own mortality . He wanted to investigate what is wrong with our world and what we can do to change it . He travelled extensively and , with a small film crew of only four , he interviewed several leading authorities on everything from science to psychology , from the environment to philosophy . He spoke to many many people in his search for answers including Bishop Desmond Tutu and Lynne McTaggart , the best - selling author whose work involves the linking of science and spirituality and the realism of quantum physics . What he found was that there was a lot more right with the world than he ever thought before . I watched the trailer for the movie and was blown away by the references to the connectedness of us all , of everything we know . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = iYtfnONazTU & feature = related When I was a very young girl I was always aware of energies around me because , when they were about , I experienced head to toe goosebumps . I would happily be walking down the stairs and then suddenly … . whoosh … there they were … and I would be terrified ! From when I was 9 years old we lived in a typical 1930 's semi - detached three bedroom house in Twickenham , outer London . When Mum and Dad first bought the house it was very dowdy and when we arrived I thought it was really spooky . Full of dark colours and with drab curtains hanging at the windows , I wasn 't at all impressed . I 'd have given anything to go back to the modern houses we had lived in when we were living in Essex before Dad had been transferred from Shell Haven , near Southend , to the Shell laboratories in Egham , Surrey . Mum though was thrilled to be living back near London and her relatives , and Dad was really happy as his transfer was also a step up the career ladder . My twin sister , Tina , and I had to share the back bedroom which was decorated with wallpaper that was supposed to be ' stone - wall effect ' . Why anyone would ever want that in a bedroom I had no idea . It was horrid ! Mum and Dad had the large double room overlooking the green at the front of the house , my brother Ray had a small single room and we all shared a pretty awful stark and very chilly bathroom . Downstairs was a sitting room with a dark wood panelled dining room at one end and a fairly small kitchen with a walk - in larder . There was no separate loo and no central heating . In the kitchen was a very old coal - fired boiler which I gathered heated the hot water and the only other heating in the house was a coal fire in the sitting room that seemed to emit more smoke than warmth . The back garden faced north - east so it was never bright and sunny . All in all I wondered , even at that young age , why on earth Mum and Dad had bought this awful dreary house . Within a short time of moving in Mum , Tina and I were very busy decorating . Yes , you did read that correctly ! My Dad , bless , was no decorator , and unless you wanted your wallpaper hung upside down or with the pattern mis - matched , and drips of gloss running down the doors , you didn 't ask him to help . Ray was far more interested in being out and about with his friends , so it was up to us girls to get stuck in . Mum was a dab - hand at everything d . i . y . and from when Tina and I could just about walk she had taught us all she knew . She had so much patience and would spend hours teaching us how to prepare surfaces for painting , how to hold a paintbrush and put just enough gloss paint on so that it covered but did not run . There she was with her beautifully manicured nails and her exquisitely styled hair , full make up and happy as a sandboy , she 'd be up and down ladders , painting , wallpapering and even stripping and painting furniture . Mum was fantastic with colours and her interior design flair soon brightened every inch of the house . All the dark wallpapers had gone replaced by bright light modern colours . It was a total transformation and the neighbours kept popping round to ask Mum 's advise . She missed her calling there I think , she should have set up in business and she 'd have done so well . From the moment we moved in I felt that there was a lot going on spiritually speaking . Both Tina and I were becoming more and more aware of energies in our bedroom at night . I would get myself under the covers and not dare to peek out because I just knew ' someone ' was in the room and would be covered in goosebumps , no matter the actual temperature . Stupidly I had thought that now the house was brighter I would feel more at ease . I suppose thinking about it now , why would the colour of the wallpaper or the curtains make one jot of difference to a spirit ! What didn 't help either was that Dad would often go upstairs and sit on his own in the bedroom he and Mum shared . If you walked past the door you could hear him having a one - sided conversation ( not that Tina and I would ever stand there and listen intentionally ! ) . It was all very odd and if we asked who he was talking to he would make some excuse not to answer . It was only many years later that he told us that he would be talking to his twin sister Mary , who had died when he was five , and he also had regular chats with his Father - in - law , Ray ( Mum 's Dad ) , who had passed to spirit before Tina and I were even born . Mum was exploring her religious beliefs and spirituality and among other religions that she dabbled with , was off to spiritual meetings and circles whilst we lived there , so no wonder the house was busy with spirit energies ! I remember one particular Saturday afternoon . Dad was sitting watching sport on the tv and I was going to go upstairs to collect a book to read . As I went to go up the stairs I was suddenly covered in goosebumps and I froze , I called to Dad and explained that I had gone all whooshy . To try to put me at my ease he explained that if there was anything on the stairs , our dog , Belle ( a beautiful Saluki ) would know about it . He went and brought her out from the sitting room . She too froze at the bottom of the stairs and with her heckels up began to growl . Dad said she had picked up on my fear and put her back in the sitting room and went and got Perky , our cat , who was curled up by the boiler , and put her on the bottom of the stairs too . There was no way she was going to go upstairs either ! She quickly ran back into the kitchen . Dad walked up the stairs with me and as we almost got to the turn near the top the hairs on every inch of my body were standing on end and I was what I now term ' mega - whooshy ' . As soon as we reached the landing the feeling began to subside . The bathroom was very busy , spiritually speaking , I often felt ' someone ' was in there , even in the bath I would be going whooshy ! Looking back I suppose I should have asked who it was , but at such a young age I never thought to do that . All of the family saw someone walk into the bathroom on many occasions and we also used to see the towels lifted off the towel rail , which became quite a common occurrence ! I soon learnt that the best way to deal with all the odd feelings I had was to imagine a transparent bubble surrounding me that nothing could penetrate . No - one ever told me to do this , it was purely instinctive , and throughout my whole life it is something I have often done without even really thinking about it . I always feel amazingly safe in my bubble of protection . Over the years in Twickenham the whole family saw and felt spirit energies both in the house and just outside in the garden . Sometimes just one of us would experience something but often it would two or more of us at the same time . We would all be sitting eating our lunch in the dining room and often see someone walk past the french doors , which was impossible as it went nowhere . To begin with Dad would go outside to see who it was , but after several sightings we all just took it as ' normal ' and would acknowledge whoever it was and carry on with our meal . I always knew someone was about because I would experience my whooshy feeling even before anyone else said anything . I didn 't mind too much when we were all together , but I didn 't like it at all when I was in the house on my own , which I would try to avoid as much as possible . Since that time I have learnt that when I feel the whoosh it is my very own spiritual radar working . It has never been wrong . It works in many different ways now . I suppose as I 've grown older , it has been fine - tuned . If I am giving a demonstration of spirit and am not sure who the recipient is , it has come in very handy . For example , say I have an elderly gentleman trying to connect with someone , as I start giving evidence I am never sure who it is for . If someone tries to accept the message and I don 't experience the ' whoosh ' I know the message is not for them , but the moment the right recipient acknowledges the spirit , from my feet up I feel the ' whoosh ' rushing right up through my body , and I know it is right . It 's also very useful when I have been sitting in church , or in a circle , and someone tries to place a spirit reading with me . They may say ' I have your Dad with me ' and if I feel nothing I know they haven 't , but if I feel the whoosh I know they have . As most of my friends are mediums or healers , we do have some , shall I say , rather strange conversations at times . We chat about our experiences with spirit and some of them are really quite incredible , and some are almost unbelievable . Many people , I am sure , had they been eavesdropping , would think ' what a load of rubbish ' , and I must admit on occasions I have found some things hard to swallow . Even as I am sometimes recounting some of the wonderful and weird occurrences that I have been witness to , or been involved with , I am sure others must just have at least the slightest inkling that I am exaggerating ! I have sat listening to the most amazing stories and have been covered in goosebumps and just know that what I am being told is true . I feel I am so fortunate to have my own lie - detector on board and what is even better is that I can show people too ! It doesn 't matter , even if I 'm sitting in warm sunshine , if I get the whoosh , I am covered in goosebumps . It is a wonderful way of proving that I am receiving a ' signal ' . At other times friends will ask my advise , and if they give me alternative solutions to their problems I will feel the whoosh when they mention the correct course of action for them to take . The whoosh then becomes like spiritual shorthand . As I said , it has been fine - tuned , and I can 't imagine my life without it now . I was sitting chatting to two friends , Niki and Sharon , last week and we were discussing how , after we had passed into spirit ourselves , we would be able to give the kind of evidence to a medium so that our friends and loved ones would absolutely know it was us . For Sharon we said that she could say she had an affinity with wolves , had a phoenix tattoo and enjoyed karaoke . That would certainly be Sharon ! For Niki , we all agreed on the description of big hair ( Niki naturally has lots and lots of very curly hair ) and her favourite saying which is ' I don 't know ' . I think we would know that was Niki without too much of a problem . For me , I had to laugh , Sharon said there was just one word that would guarantee it was me . The word ? Whooshy ! ! Simon and I went down to North Devon a couple of weekends ago . I used to live there and sometimes feel a real longing to drive along familiar country roads and walk along a typical sandy Devon beach and feel the fresh sea air on my face . I have a friend who lives just outside Barnstaple , Susan Roberts , I have mentioned her in my blogs before . She set up and runs the English Psychic Company , and she was my first real teacher of mediumship . She ran a tight ship and accepted nothing but the best . My evenings in her classes were a mixture of trepidation and relief . She set such high standards and expected nothing less of us , her pupils . She wouldn 't even accept you on a course until you had passed a test to prove that you had some potential , and that was nerve - wracking in itself . I first met Susan after my Mum had died and I had heard her ( Mum , not Susan ! ) talking to me in the loo , always late at night . The first time it happened I thought it was my imagination , but immediately as I thought that Mum told me it wasn 't . I came out of the loo and didn 't tell anyone what had just happened as I was sure they would think I was crazy . The following night , just before bed , again in the loo , Mum talked to me again , I told her that I was sure she was a wishful thought and again she told me she wasn 't . Well if you are real , I said , make the lights go on and off . To my utter amazement , the lights flickered ! You have never seen anyone move so fast out of the loo ! This happened for several nights . Nothing at all in the daytime , but come my last visit to the loo , there would be Mum . I didn 't see her , but I could feel her presence , her warmth and love , and I could hear her voice , definitely hers , not mine , but inside my head . During the day I was so sad , missing my Mum so much , but feeling quite mixed up knowing that in the evening there would be this very odd form of contact . I tried to reason with myself that the whole thing was just too bizarre and to be honest I often felt that I was losing the plot . It was a secret I kept to myself . Part of me dreaded going to the loo because I was quite afraid , but another part would be looking forward to the comfort that I felt every night knowing that Mum was ok and was still around . I had met a spiritual healer , Liz Gilmour , at a local spiritual fayre a couple of years before and had kept her business card in my purse . I felt sure that she would know of someone locally I could go and see to try to find out what was going on . I rang Liz and without telling her any information at all I asked if she knew of anyone who could communicate with spirits . Without hesitation she recommended Susan Roberts . She told me that Susan had an excellent reputation and was very down to earth . I rang Susan straight away and made an appointment which was for a week later . She asked me to bring along a photo of the person I would ideally like to get in contact with , but she said she couldn 't always guarantee that that person may communicate . Apart from that she didn 't ask me anything else at all . Part of me was so excited to be seeing a professional medium and the other part was absolutely terrified . I had no idea what to expect and kept feeling the biggest butterflies in my tummy every time I thought about it . Eventually the day of the reading arrived and with an enormous amount of trepidation I went along to see Susan . It was such a relief to be welcomed by a ' normal ' woman who immediately put me at my ease . She showed me into her sitting room which spookily overlooked a graveyard , I remember thinking how funny that was . I showed her the photo I had taken along and straight away Susan told me it was a photo of my Mum who had died three weeks before , She told me about Mum 's illness and how she had died . Then , much to my amazement , and laughing as she told me , she said that Mum had been talking me in the loo ! Everything Susan told me was absolutely accurate . I skipped out of her house and driving home felt so uplifted and positive totally knowing that my Mum had been chatting to me . I had no idea at the time that I would again be in contact with Susan within a few weeks . My brother Ray died totally unexpectedly just six weeks after my Mum . He was only fifty and was found in his bed at home . At the time we had no idea how he had died or what was the cause of his death . I spoke to Susan just days after Ray died , as again I was sure I could feel him close to me . She gently started to explain that it was most probably too early for him to be able to make contact , but as she spoke I could sense her hesitating . She asked if a red tricycle meant anything to me . It certainly did . As I said yes she started receiving more evidence from Ray . She told me exactly how he had died and most importantly for me , that he had felt no pain . She told me that his heart had literally just stopped . That he was here one minute and gone the next . Just like that . No pain at all . I was so relieved as I had been concerned that he would have been distressed . Sure enough when we received the results of his autopsy it confirmed that his heart had just stopped and that his passing to spirit would have been instant . I have absolute confidence in Susan and when she told me that over the years she had been contacted by several spirits who wanted their experiences of death heard by a wider audience , I could appreciate why they had chosen her to tell their stories . She had written their stories exactly as she heard them , and over a long period had built up quite a selection . Spirits contacted her from all walks of life with very different stories to tell . She decided to bring the stories to the stage and called the production The Afterlife Monologues . Several of her students took the roles of the spirits and spoke in the first person , recounting their memories . I was intrigued and was so sad when I was unable to attend the first time it was on at a theatre in Devon . It was by pure chance just a couple of months ago that I asked Susan is she was thinking of putting on another production . She said that one was planned for the end of March . That was wonderful news ! I could go and walk along the beach , see some old friends , and go and see the Afterlife Monologues all within a long weekend . I booked the hotel straight away and Simon booked the time off work . We were so lucky with the weather . Our journey from our home in Hampshire was just beautiful . We stopped by a field of new - born lambs , watching them running and playing , then found a country pub where we enjoyed a fantastic lunch on a sunny roof terrace . It couldn 't have been better . We met Susan at her premises and sat near the back so that we could see everything . The stories from the spirits were just incredible , The readers were amazing and bought the stories to life . You really felt they were telling their own experiences . When we spoke to some of the readers in the break they said that they could feel the emotions of the spirits whose stories they were reading , which was certainly conveyed to us in the audience . Simon , who I had thought may find it all a little boring , actually really enjoyed the evening . Afterwards when we were sitting having a drink in the bar in the hotel he was asking so many questions about spirit . Far more than he ever has in the years we have been together . I believe that the moving and realistic way in which the experiences were bought to life really made his mind open up to the reality of our ongoing lives in our spiritual form . I do hope that one day Susan will make a dvd of these stories so that an even wider audience can experience these for themselves . I do think that one thing that so many of us find so hard to talk about is physical death . It is a subject that many people avoid as they say it is depressing and also of course many find the whole thing terribly frightening too , which is understandable . It is though , the one thing that we all know for sure will happen to us at some time , yet most of us are totally unprepared for it . We are also unprepared for the death of a loved one . It is almost taboo to talk about such things unless you are talking to an insurance salesman or a solicitor who is drawing up wills . I know that when my parents and my brother all died within less than four months I wouldn 't have been able to cope without the certainty that their spirits , their souls , still existed . It was largely thanks to Susan and her spiritual communications that I could manage to get through those dark days . I was talking to her after my Dad had died , telling her how very sad I was and how much I missed him . She told me something I will never forget . She said that whilst we are all so upset here for losing someone we love , at the same time there are massive celebrations in the spirit world as that person is being reunited with loved ones who have passed before . She said to imagine that my Dad was on a ship , leaving the shore , waving to me as he went , but when the ship completed its journey , he would reach another shore where his Mum and Dad and his brothers and sisters would be waiting to greet him . I thought of that many times over the years , knowing how pleased Dad would have been to see his family and in particular his twin sister Mary again , knowing how much he missed her throughout his life . We had a wonderful time back in North Devon . I did manage to walk along my old local beach and enjoyed feeling the warm sand between my toes , breathing in the crisp clear air . We drove down many winding country lanes , shared lovely times with old friends and Simon took some great photographs . What a great mini - break we had , and how delighted I was to have been able to see the Afterlife Monologues . I know the stories and experiences of those spirits will stay with me always . Last night we were sitting listening to our favourite music tracks and Simon played one that has a particular place in my heart . It was a song I used to listen to when I was in my previous marriage , when I felt there was no way out . I would imagine myself flying away , having the freedom to spend time with my friends , to chat on the phone , to read books and to be able to have fun . To be able to be excited and not have my dreams mocked , not to be in trouble over everything I ever did or said . To be able to be me . She and her husband were coming over to England just a couple of weeks later and she and I had arranged to go and see Diana Garland who offered astrological and clairvoyant readings . I had met Diana years before at a spiritual event and had been most impressed . She went for her reading first and was really pleased when she came out , saying how accurate Diana had been . I went in for my reading not expecting that I would hear anything particularly life changing , but I was in for a big surprise . I had always kept my marital problems to myself but Diana certainly picked up on them , and in her gentle and guiding way she explained that my chart showed that a massive change was about to happen in my life . She told me that if I didn 't make a decision very soon the chance would be gone and I would be stuck in my life for always . The very next morning , I actually came to the decision to risk everything and leave . I drove over 50 miles across country , down narrow lanes , weaving my way across the countryside to my sister 's house . I drove my car but felt as if I was flying , knowing that no matter what happened I would never go back , knowing that at last I would not be spending my life living in fear . I had never felt spirit so close to me as that morning , I felt a golden light surrounding my little car and me , a safety bubble that nothing could penetrate . For the first time in over 25 years I felt totally safe . It was the most incredible feeling . When I spoke to my friend Susan Roberts , a wonderful psychic medium from Barnstaple who started the English Psychic Company , she told me that within a few months I would be meeting my soul mate , but wouldn 't actually see him - I wondered how on earth that could be ! She said that we would be made for each other and would be living together within six months of meeting . I had known Susan for several years and knew that her predictions were generally spot on but couldn 't quite believe what she was saying . It all sounded too good to be true . Shortly after moving to Hampshire I attended a weeks residential course at the Arthur Findlay College in Stanstead . I booked a private mediumship reading with the tutor Simone Key whom I had never met before . As soon as walked in the room , and before I had even sat down , she said ' my goodness you 've just left a relationship after over 25 years ' . Talk about accurate ! She went on to tell me that I would shortly meet a fantastic young man who was my soul mate . She said I would have a life full of fun and laughter with him and that he would support me in everything . I was just a little amazed after an almost identical reading from Susan . I couldn 't wait ! Whenever people tell you that you have a fabulous future ahead of you it does take some getting used to . I still didn 't quite understand how I could meet someone but not see them though . That really confused me . Little did I know then that I would join an internet dating site and meet the most lovely man who didn 't put his photo on the site ! How incredibly organised spirit was . I look back now and see that from the moment my wedding ring broke everything was in place to put me on my new pathway . I was given the confidence to make life changing decisions safe in the knowledge that spirit were with me , guiding me through the readings from the most genuine people . I felt that I had a promise of a new life … just waiting round the corner . Tomorrow , Simon and I will be celebrating our FIFTH wedding anniversary ! We 've known each other just over seven years now and my life with him is just as foretold . I adore being his wife , his friend , his playmate , his love . He has accepted me totally for who I am . I am just me … . and there are no words in the world to describe how unbelievable that is . To be loved and love is heaven and I count my blessings every day . Thank you ! Funnily enough , whilst writing this post I had a break about ten minutes ago and found a lovely post in my inbox which confirmed everything I already knew ! How spirit likes to make certain we get the point ! ! Please take a look … her blogs are great ! http : / / complexmuse . wordpress . com / 2012 / 03 / 13 / show - your - soul - to - attract - your - soul - mate / WordPress . com Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . • Hand in Hand with Spirit Blog at WordPress . com . Send to Email Address |
Tag Archives : Berlin Berlin Part 3 : Checkpoint Charlie , Climbing the Dome , and Getting Harassed 6 October 2015 . Checkpoint Charlie was one of those places I had to see . It really wasn 't far from my hotel at all - on the side of Friedrichstraße that I hadn 't been to . So of course I took a walk there straight after breakfast . I walked for about 15 minutes and by 10 : 30 , I saw the actual checkpoint about 20m in front of me . There was quite a queue and I couldn 't quite see what it was for . I wasn 't about to go join it just yet , so had a look around the vicinity and noticed that there was a photo gallery on what appeared to be part of the actual Berlin Wall . There were captioned pictures of what the area looked like during the war , with tanks and a lot of the area totally destroyed and covered in rubble . One of the pictures also showed an aerial view of the exact point where I was standing , and how there was a road there . It was a little difficult to visualize all the buildings around me not being there . While I was reading one of the captions , this girl came asking for a donation . She looked Middle Eastern , and the thought of her being a refugee crossed my mind , but something wasn 't right about it . I wasn 't sure what to make of it , and when I looked around , it was if my radar switched on because I could suddenly see a whole lot of other similarly dressed girls all over the place bothering both locals and tourists alike . I felt bad for her because she was constantly nagging me , and I tried my best to politely refuse . For me , it was a matter of giving away Euros , not South African Rands . Because the exchange rate was about R16 to the Euro , anything I 'd be giving away would actually cost me more than I was willing to give away . No matter what I said , she just wouldn 't leave me alone . Suddenly I heard a man 's voice behind me telling her in German to go away . When I turned around , it was an Indian man . She listened to him , and he said to me to not give her anything because " they like to target foreigners " . I thanked him and turned back to the caption I was reading , but I could tell that he wasn 't done talking . He then asked for my name and where I was from , and said that his name was Joy . I immediately thought he was probably a Punjabi Indian because they often have names like Joy . Anyway , I still tried to continue reading the captions , but he would not stop talking . It was like he wasn 't taking the hint that I was really not interested in talking to him , mostly because there was something very creepy about his eyes . They did not look honest at all and I could tell that he was not someone who could be trusted . He continued talking , and I said as little as possible . It wasn 't long before he asked if I wanted to go get a cup of coffee . My adrenaline started pumping because it was a situation I really wanted to get out of , so my first reaction was to say that I was on a very tight schedule and had no time to do anything right now . It took a few tries of " No really , I can 't " to get him to give up . But then he asked if we can have dinner later at Amrit near Potsdamer Platz , since I said that that where I was staying ( not the actual hotel of course ) . The area in which I was staying was literally the only information I gave him about myself . At least , until he persisted so much that the only way I could think of to get him off my ass ( other than swearing him , which is what I actually wanted to do ) was to get him to send me a private message on Facebook . Thankfully my privacy settings don 't allow strangers to add me as a friend . I had to let him send the message because there was no WiFi in the area for me to search for him , and I also figured that it would buy me some time to not only investigate who he actually was ( because I didn 't believe that his name was really Joy ) , but also to come up with some sort of excuse for not being able to make it for dinner . I figured I could then block him immediately afterwards so that he 'd never be able to contact me again . There was no way I was going to give him my number or any other information , and I really just wanted to get rid of him in the most polite way possible , since I was in public and didn 't want to go all ape - shit while telling him to f * * * off . Besides , he had the look of a kidnapper or something , so I thought swearing at him might be a bad idea , because the last thing I wanted was to anger him since I had no way of knowing what his reaction might be . He looked like someone who would follow me if I rejected him too , so I had to be careful how I handled the situation . Fast forward 7 hours later when I was back at my hotel - his message came through and it turned out that his name was something Sheik . I say " something " because it wasn 't Joy , and now when I viewed my Blocked List , it says that his name is Fatima Sheik . I don 't recall it being Fatima when I received that message almost 1 year ago , and it is certainly an easy enough name for me to remember since I have a close friend with that first name . At the time , when I investigated his profile before blocking him , it was evident that he was also married and had children . Had he been honest , his name would have not only remained the same on Facebook , but he would have also told me his real name . He also wouldn 't be trying to ask out a girl who was not his wife . Moral of the story : trust your gut instincts . When I was finally free , I went into the what appeared to be the entrance of the Checkpoint Charlie Museum . I wasn 't that interested in actually going inside , but I think it was mostly because I was still trying to calm myself down after just having a very weird encounter with a man whose piercing , creepy eyes I couldn 't get out of my head . It was not a good thing . Anyway , I had read that Checkpoint Charlie was one of those places where you could get your passport stamped , and saw that there were 2 kiosks where it was possible . One of them charged about € 6 for it ( madness I tell you ) , while the other would stamp it in exchange for any donation you were willing to give . 3 years prior , I had paid about € 2 to get my passport stamped in Liechtenstein , so that is what I decided to pay for this one , and the guy was happy to oblige for that amount . So basically , when abroad , don 't just jump at the first thing you see when you could find the same thing for much less right next door , under your very nose . Once I was done there , I figured it was time to go take some pictures with the " soldiers " - the reason behind the queue of people I had seen minutes before . One of them was extremely good looking … so much so that it was difficult not to stare at him . He was clearly a little nutty , too , and loved the attention . I think it was only because of his perfectly chiseled face that people didn 't mind what he said or did . When I joined the quickly moving queue , I noticed that there was another " soldier " collecting € 2 from each person . I had no idea what it was for , but it was a small price to pay for a teeny bit of fun . In 60 seconds , that very " soldier " took 60 photos . This was the result , and I think you can tell which of the " soldiers " I was referring to before . After I got my photos , I had no particular destination in mind . The more I think of it now , the more I want to kick myself . That one place that I really wanted to go to that I could have easily went to was Legoland Berlin . I still can 't believe that I didn 't go . Anyway , I had quite a few hours to go before my Third Reich tour at 2pm , so I thought I 'd take a walk back to my favourite place : the Dom . I felt as though I hadn 't taken enough photos of it , so I wanted more . Also , I just really liked the area it was in and I wanted to see it again . It was kind of like how I felt about seeing St Peters Church as many times as I possibly could while I was in Rome . Once I got to the Dom , I realised I 'd regret it if I didn 't go inside . For once in my life I remembered to use the Welcome Card , and I got a bit of a discount to enter . It also gave me the opportunity to climb to the top . At first , I wasn 't sure if I should do it , but when I looked at the time and saw that I had at least 1 . 5 hours to get to Brandenburg Gate for the start of my Third Reich tour , I decided to just do it . There were signs every so often warning that the climb was physically demanding , since there were around 270 steps ( I thought it was about 400 , but Google reminded me of the actual number ) . I must say , the climb wasn 't that bad at all . As I 've mentioned many times before , my fitness levels go into the negative , but I was able to climb to the top without feeling as though I was going to die . There were plenty of landing spaces and flat areas to walk to break the climb , so it 's not like it 's one long spiral staircase to the top . I expected it to be a little like Neuschwanstein , but that wasn 't the case at all . After I got photos of the view , I made my way back down . Also , the Chinese girl had totally disappeared . I didn 't really bother looking for her because I needed to get to my Third Reich tour . The drizzle had dampened my spirits a bit , but I was just glad it remained a drizzle and that I was warmly dressed . Getting to the Third Reich tour was such a rush because I actually spent longer at the Dome than I expected to , and it was quite a walk to the nearest metro station , namely Alexanderplatz . It was so bad , that by the time I got to the station , it was already 2pm . I figured I 'd make it just in time because the actual tour was supposed to start at 2 : 30pm , so the 30 minute grace period before that would be used to check in for it . Once I got to the Brandenburg Gate stop , it was already 2 : 20pm , because I had to change trains at Friedrichstraße . The signs in the Friedrichstraße station are so bad , that finding where I needed to go was absolutely horrendous . I was just glad that I didn 't have a big bag with me . When I eventually figured out where my train was ( I actually think I just winged it and hoped for the best ) , I got on it and reached Brandenburg Gate just after 2 : 30pm . I knew all that time that I was going to be late for the tour . Once I got out of the train , I literally ran to the meeting point that was Starbucks . I was too late . The tour had already left at about 2 : 15pm , so I was really annoyed because they clearly didn 't check that everyone was there . Anyway , there were still people with red jackets and umbrellas waiting to do other tours , so when I asked one of them , they said that it would be okay for me to come the following day since the ticket wouldn 't expire any time soon . Annoyed that I had wasted my energy for a tour I was definitely going to miss , I got myself a grande cafe mocha from Starbucks . It was the perfect fix for my mood , and went perfectly well with the weather . Starbucks may not know how to do all their coffees right , but they certainly know how to do a cafe mocha . At least , the one in Berlin at Brandenburg Gate . Since I hadn 't eaten at all since breakfast , yet again , I wasn 't sure what to do for lunch / supper . I didn 't want to get more currywurst because that would certainly not fill me for 2 meals . The creepazoid from earlier in the day mentioned Amrit , and it so happened that Amrit was a place that I had found while planning my trip as I was looking for popular places around my hotel . I figured that I could still go there and not encounter that weirdo , since it was still early in the day ( before 4pm ) . When I got there , I was seated in a bright corner next to some locals . It 's funny how people are attracted to food from a different culture . Besides the staff , I was literally the only Indian person in the restaurant . It was rather fancy looking , and had prices to match . I just wanted something like a tandoori chicken , and managed to find it on the menu at a decent price ( I can 't remember what exactly ) . I got a chicken dish of some sort , but it was with gravy . I had ordered the tandoori without the gravy . I don 't recall what it was called , but when the waiter brought it to me and told me what it was , it was something else . Anyway , it was still quite tasty . I obviously paid more than I planned to since it was a different meal . Normally I would have said something , but I didn 't feel really comfortable with the staff … they weren 't particularly friendly . Amrit , I 'd give you a 3 / 5 . Since it was my last night in Berlin , I wanted to go out and see the city at night . One thing Berlin is certainly good at is how it dresses itself up at night . Potsdamer Platz is also a buzzing place to be , so I didn 't want to miss seeing it at night . After relaxing in my hotel room for a little while , I headed out . It was already dark at about 8pm , and the weather was good . It had stopped raining and there was a fresh , gentle breeze . I was keen on using my F1 . 4 lens to take some photos , because I thought I had finally figured out how to use it effectively . At least , for an amateur . I hadn 't walked about much , but it had become cold , so I didn 't want to venture far out . I had to get that view of the back of Brandenburg Gate that I had come to see , and this was the only time to do it . I took a slightly different route to normal , which let me approach it from the back rather than from the metro station in front of it , and it was well worth it . Before leaving my hotel , I told my friends that I was going for a walk . They all told me to be careful , but when I was walking , I felt completely safe . My mind was completely empty of worries and all I could think of was that it was my last night in Germany and I didn 't want to leave . I was the happiest I had been in almost a year and it was finally coming to an end . There was no better place to spend my last night in Berlin than at Brandenburg Gate . And , of course , the road had been completely cleared of all barricades from the weekend , just as I hoped they would be . God bless the Germans . I spent a little over an hour out before heading back to my hotel . By the time I got to the point where I was satisfied with my view of the gate , it had begun to drizzle again . When I got back to Motel One around 9 : 30pm , I decided to have a local beer in the breakfast area / bar . It was the final cherry on top on my last night . Berlin Part 2 : Charlottenburg Palace and the Soviet War Memorial 5 October 2015 . I had no more plans for the rest of my stay in Berlin , so I had plenty of time to just wing it . The only thing that I desperately wanted to do was a Third Reich tour . I wasn 't sure when I 'd be able to do it , so I used the Get Your Guide app to help me . I actually had 3 full days to kill , so I booked it for the next day , 6 October - the day before I was going to leave . After figuring out which train I needed to take , I got on the S - bahn to he Charlottenburg stop . There was a closer station ( at least , one for a bus ) , but I wanted to walk a bit so I could see the area . It was a little out of the CBD , so I expected it to be a little more laid back and spacious . It was exactly that . I took a really slow walk because it was still early in the day , and had that feeling again … the one where I was going in the wrong direction . It was the first time that happened since Hallstatt . I was using my map to navigate out of the station onto the main street , but I had lost my bearings after getting off the train due to the layout of the station . Instead of turning right , I turned left i . e . south . I lost myself ( literally and figuratively ) for at least 3o minutes before realising that the sun was supposed to be on my right , not my left . It was still early enough for me to be able to use the sun to navigate , but I was just too busy taking pictures and enjoying the weather to have noticed sooner . Once I figured out which way was north , I had to whip out my phone just to make sure that I was actually standing where I thought I was , and then to determine where the nearest main street was . I was only about 2 blocks off , so once I got onto Kaiser - Friedrich - Straße , it was straight ahead from there . About an hour later , I got to the palace . There weren 't many people around , and my next task was to find the entrance . It didn 't seem very obvious as there was some construction going on . I figured I 'd walk around the perimeter to find a way in and it wasn 't long before I found one . I had completely forgotten about my Berlin Welcome Card , which could have saved me quite a bit on the € 16 entrance fee . It was because of the price that I decided not to do the palace tour . I felt better by reminding myself that a lot of palaces looked the same , and since I had been to Neuschwanstein , the chances of Charlottenburg being better wasn 't that high . The palace gardens were massive so my backup plan of exploring them kicked in . I felt like I had discovered another Secret Garden . It reminded me a little of the Nymphenburg Palace gardens in Munich , but it was much more manicured and tame . As for the noise ? Non - existent . The thing I remember most about the gardens was the squirrel I made friends with . While walking through one of the lanes , I noticed a tree stump in the foliage , and it had some cut up pieces of carrot on it . It was when I first realised that the squirrels would come to take it . Since it wasn 't too far in , I decided to take some of the carrot sticks and try my luck , since I had seen a squirrel scurrying about nearby . To my delight , it came quite close to me , so I got down on my haunches and put my hand out , waiting for it to come . And it did . That for me marked the end of my trip to the palace , so I had to now find my way back into the city centre . I actually thought it would be better to go back to my hotel to have a bit of a break , and also call my friend for her birthday ( I promised her before leaving SA that I would ) . I wasn 't sure what I was going to do for the rest of the afternoon , but for now , I needed to find a shorter way back to the city . I also was pretty hungry because I had totally walked off what I had eaten for breakfast , but I didn 't worry about it too much because my meal times had generally become so messed up on this trip anyway . I took a walk all the way to the nearest bus stop , whose name amused me a little - Richard - Wagner - Platz . I caught the U7 to Yorckstraße , which was actually a little out of the way , but it was a pain in the ass trying to read the transportation map because sometimes the S - Bahn and U - Bahn stations were the same , and sometimes they 'd be across the street or a block or 2 away from each other . It 's good to keep that in mind and plan your route properly in advance . Anyway , getting to Yorckstraße then made it extremely easy for me to get back to Potsdamer Platz because I could get straight on the U2 to Bernau which stopped directly in Potsdamer Platz . After I spoke to her , I headed out again and decided to go to Brandenburg Gate and meet up with a guy I had chatted to a little . He was also on holiday for a couple days in Berlin and happened to be leaving that evening , so we literally had about 30 minutes to say hi and walk around the area a bit . Don 't ask about how I was chatting to him , but you can probably guess . I had made it clear that I was on holiday and was not interested in any funny business if you know what I mean . I 'm always open to meeting new people so thought one more friend or connection couldn 't hurt . When I got to Brandenburg Gate , there were , as usual , hundreds of people around . Fortunately though , it didn 't take me too long to find him . I felt like a complete idiot for asking if he could take a photo of me with the gate in the background , but it was only because people I had asked on the previous day were so completely useless , that I just didn 't have a decent photo . Thankfully , he managed to get one after several failed attempts of trying to get the woman behind me to move … one who was completely oblivious to her surroundings . We eventually gave up , and this was the result . After I said bye to my new acquaintance , I walked behind the gate towards another familiar area that was the Reichstag . There was a wurst stand that I had noticed the day before , and I suddenly remembered that I hadn 't eaten since the morning and it was nearly time for supper . I decided to get a currywurst , since I was a little too tired to go looking for another place . I also thought I 'd take the opportunity to sit while I could , because there was too much left of the day for me to just go straight back to the hotel . After eating , I went by the Reichstag again and suddenly remembered that I actually wanted to get myself a German Tshirt of some sort . There were a number of little shops opposite the Reichstag so I perused through them until I found one that I liked . It was actually a soccer jersey which I thought was awesome , and not a bad price of € 15 . From there , I wandered off in the direction of the prettiest looking streets , not really caring which way that was or how far I was going . Although , I did keep my general bearings in mind . After walking for a little while , I saw a really large statue peeking out over some hedges . It was obviously a soldier , but I was curious to see what it was for . As it turned out , I had stumbled upon the Tiergarten , and this happened to be the Soviet War Memorial . It was literally down the road from Brandenburg Gate , and I could have actually just walked straight from there to get to it . But just as well that I didn 't , because it was closed off from the road because of the falling of the Berlin Wall celebrations that had happened over the weekend . The road was almost entirely cleared out , so pretty much only the barriers remained . Even though it was still a little early , I was actually pretty exhausted from all the walking . Now that I think of it , I was a complete idiot because there was one thing I wanted to do so badly while I was planning my trip , but I had completely forgotten about it when I actually got to Berlin . I will say what that was in my next post . There was one other thing too , and that was to get a photo of Brandenburg Gate from the back . Had the barriers not been there , I would have gotten it then and there . All I could hope for was for everything to be cleared out before I left . The following night would be my last in Berlin , and I was pretty confident that the roads would be clear and ready for me by then . After all , Germans are very efficient in everything they do . Berlin Part 1 : Hot Rods and a Favourite Place There 's something quite magical about waking up in a new city . I didn 't need much help from my alarm that morning , as I had slept like a dead person the night before . I was also really excited because I had 2 things planned for that day - the Hot Rod City Tour at 11 and SeaLife Berlin at around 3pm . I was up at 7 and took my time getting ready . I was quite hungry since I hadn 't really eaten much at all the previous day , so I was eager to get breakfast . The restaurant / bar was on the 2nd floor ( I think ) , and was actually really cool looking . It was very relaxed , and quite busy already . As I walked in , the entire left side was occupied . I had no idea where to sit because the tables with single seater couches around them were really small , so it would have been awkward sharing one with a couple strangers . My salvation lay towards the back , right next to the second buffet area and coffee machine . It was a long , high table with at least 14 bar stools around it - perfect for people watching . I put down my bag and removed my jacket then went over to the buffet area closest to me . It was a continental buffet so they had the usual things there . I wanted to eat a proper breakfast because I didn 't know what time I 'd be able to get lunch , or where from . The coffee machine made whatever coffee you wanted at the push of a button - of course I was going to get a cafe mocha . Normally I have instant coffee in the morning , or a cappuccino once I get to work , but since I was on holiday , why not get the alternative I usually only turn to once a month at most ? I had a little less than an hour to get to the Hot Rod tour , which was plenty time . My plan was to get the Berlin Welcome Card which basically covers all transport and most attractions , so I wouldn 't have to worry about getting tickets every time . I took a leisurely stroll to the Potsdamer Platz station down the road and tried getting one there , only to find out that the ticket machine only accepted Mastercard ( I had a Visa card ) . I only had about € 22 in cash with me , so I wasn 't sure what to do since time was now a becoming a problem . I tried various other machines in the station but none of them accepted anything other than Mastercard . I knew that if I took a bus to the main station , I 'd have no issue acquiring the Welcome Card or getting to my destination . As I approached the exit of the station , I heard a man shouting and got a little scared because he was clearly angry , so I didn 't know what to expect when I went round the corner . When I saw him , he was shouting at the ticket machine , and I mean really shouting , as if he wanted to kill someone . He banged the machine with his hands and kicked it several times while shouting " AAARRRRGGGH , WORK DAMMIT ! ! " , not to mention the profanities in between . He was obviously experiencing the same issue I had . Some locals were walking close to me as they had just arrived from their journey , and I heard the guy in front of me tell his girlfriend ( I assume ) that the man was shouting at the ticket machine . They were visibly amused . A family of 4 bought some tickets inside the train station but left 2 behind , so I handed it to them as they started walking away . The father thanked me profusely in what sounded like Russian , before exiting the station . I didn 't know where the family was going ; I assumed I 'd never see them again . After realising that the only thing I could do was take a bus to the main station , the bus stop was where I decided to go . I assumed that all busses went to the main station , but I just had to make sure that I was standing on the right side of the road . When I got to the bus stop , there stood the family yet again . I couldn 't understand them much at all but I tried to somehow figure out where they were going , which sounded like the Hauptbahnhof . There were already less than 30 minutes left before 11 , and my tour was nearly 7km away , so there was no way in hell I would have made it there on foot . My gut feeling , not to mention a suspicious looking sign next to the bus stop , told me that the bus was not operating that day . When the bus failed to come after 10 minutes , I made the decision to call for a taxi . There was no way I was going to get to my Hot Rod tour in time otherwise , and € 22 should be enough to cover a 6 . 5km trip . At least , I hoped . There were many taxis passing the bus stop I was at , so I easily flagged one down ( I 'd never done that before so I was chuffed ) . The driver flashed her lights at me to acknowledge that she had seen me . When she pulled over , I asked roughly what it would cost to get me to my destination , and she said it 'd be around € 15 depending on traffic , give or take a Euro or 2 . I told her how much I had so I was praying it wouldn 't come to more than that . She assured me that it shouldn 't , so I got in . We appeared to be heading into a slightly dodgy part of the city , and I wasn 't so sure I was in the right place . The buildings were dilapidated with tonnes of graffiti on them , and the people were dressed like street thugs . For a moment I questioned what I had just gotten myself into , but I figured I 'd find my way out if something got wrong because I knew which general direction to head back to . The driver turned into a quiet street and stopped outside my destination : Revaler Straße 99 . I could see the number 99 , but there was just a high brick wall on either side of it and the entrance seemed to head down onto an open area covered in sand . There was a guy leaning against the wall , smoking . I felt like I was being dropped off at some kind of drug hole . For those few minutes I was in the car , I trusted the driver , so I knew she hadn 't taken me to the wrong place . When I got out of the car , I went through the entrance and turned left towards what appeared to be a flea market . Only , it was for hipsters and goths ( no offence to them ) . I felt very out of place . I came across another entrance to my left and saw two cops having a coffee next to their car , so I decided to go up to them and check if I was in the right place . They told me to go back in and carry on walking left , and that I 'd eventually see it . Thankfully they were right - there was a big sign painted on the wall that said Hot Rod City Tour , just as I had seen it on their site . There were a couple other people there , and some guys showing them around . The cars were parked just outside . I told one of the guys that I was there for the tour at 11 , since I was 15 minutes late , and he promptly took me into their office to confirm my booking and to give me a bandana and helmet . He also asked me if I wanted to pay the € 250 cover fee for insurance , otherwise € 10 that somehow covered some things . There was no way in hell I was going to pay an additional € 250 on top of the € 55 I had paid for the trip , so I opted for the € 10 option , which I was still a bit annoyed to have to pay because the tour charge should have covered it . I didn 't want to complain , however . They weren 't like usual cars , as you can see , so the brake and accelerator could not be operated by the same foot like we 're used to . They were kind of like go - karts in that way . We were told to always have our foot on the brake to remind ourselves that it was there , in case we felt the urge to accelerate instead of braking . The indicators also had to be manually switched off - something I forgot to do quite often once we got on the road . The rest of it was pretty standard . We then drove our hot rods into the flea market 's dirt road parking area so what we could practice the formation we 'd have to maintain once we took to the streets . We had to stay in a zig - zag formation behind the leader , with me leading , and stay in the same lane since 2 cars could fit within one lane . The back wheel of the car in front had to align with the front wheel of the car behind it , whenever we stopped . Otherwise , the usual traffic rules applied . For everyone else it was fine , but I was stressing out a little because I had never driven on the right side of the road before . Thankfully I had someone to follow , so that gave me some comfort . The drive was loads of fun . The only downside was the fact that the cars were so low - it meant going over any bumps was a little sore and would make the car shake . The hard steering wheel required the grip of both hands , too . We drove all the way to the Berliner Dom ( at the end of the video ) before turning around and heading back . I think it is evident from the video that I was really happy to see the Berliner Dom . The actual street drive lasted about 30 minutes in total . I expected it to last longer so I was slightly disappointed , especially because it was so much fun . Many locals and tourists alike took photos of us , and at one point these 2 guys from India took turns to take pictures with me . It was hilarious ! When we got back to the flea market , we got out of our hot rods and parted ways . I of course wanted a copy of the video , so I went into the office and asked for it . They charge € 12 for the flash drive and the video , which I considered a bargain . I was very thirsty by then so bought myself a bottled water and a Red Bull while I waited for the video to copy . Once we were done , I asked the guy where the nearest ATM was , which , thankfully , was down the street towards the train station and away from the dodgy flea market side of the road . Until I got to the bridge from which I could see the Warschauer Straße station , I still felt as though I were in a dodgy area . Warschauer Straße station was basically just a platform with a ticket machine and a bridge which I had to cross over to get to the correct side of the platform . The bridge had some street vendors selling random items and snacks . Even though I was hungry , I wanted to get out of there . One of Berlin 's signature yellow trains arrived and I happily got on . I had about 6 stops to get to the Hauptbahnhof , but I wasn 't really counting because that was the train 's destination . I passed some familiar - sounding stops like Alexanderplatz and Freidrichstrauße . As I passed the Berliner Dom again , considered stopping at Freidrichstrauße so I could go back , but I needed to get that Welcome Card from the central station since I was familiar with where to get it from . I felt good when I arrived back at the central station , because I knew where everything was . I went straight to the place where I could buy the Welcome Card and stood in a fast moving line . The office was jam packed with tourists , but there was order in the chaos . I got the 3 - Day pass , and the guy told me to validate it on my first train journey and it would start the counter from there . I had some time to get something to eat , so I went to the food court to check what was popular . There were lots of takeaway places there including Pizza Hut and Burger King , but I didn 't want something I could get at home . There was another place which had a special with currywurst and a 0 . 5L beer for something like € 4 . 10 , so I went for that . After all , currywurst on its own is about € 3 , so € 1 . 10 for a draught of beer was a bargain . I checked my map while I was eating and decided to take the train to Alexanderplatz , since it was one of the closest stops to the Sea Life aquarium . It was a little difficult to find even though I had the address on hand . I expected bolder signs , but I guess I was on the wrong side of the road for a reason - to get another glimpse of the Berliner Dom . It was like any other aquarium so I breezed through it in less than 3o minutes . My main mission was to get to the Aquadom - a 25m high glass aquarium filled with a million litres of water . I was given a separate ticket for it when I entered the aquarium , and had to give it to the lady in front of the Aquadom , who , as it turns out , was the one doing the tour as we went through it via the lift . The lift is quite wide and has 2 levels , so you can stand on either one . They only allow around 15 people in at a time , so it 's not too crowded and you can see in all directions . The ride up was quite an experience , and the guide alternated between German and English so that everyone would know what was going on . If you haven 't already guessed it , my favourite place in Berlin ( before even leaving South Africa ) is the Berliner Dom . Since it was literally a 5 minute walk from the aquarium , it was the most obvious place for me to go to next . I had the entire evening free so I could glare at it for as long as I wanted to , and that 's exactly what I did for over an hour . To my delight , there was open WiFi there too . Let me just say that it was damn fun being able to immediately post that picture on Facebook and check in at the Berliner Dom . Some friends of mine said that they wanted to live my holiday through me , so I should check in wherever I could . That is exactly what I had done on the entire trip . I also used some time to charge my phone - power banks are a lifesaver when you 're on holiday and can 't get enough photos . While I was sitting taking in the general splendour of the architectural beauty in front of me , a local man suddenly came and sat on the other end of my bench and immediately started chatting . He reminded me of Stephen Hawking not only because of his face , but the nerdiness too . He was very friendly , and I don 't mean in a forward manner . At first I thought he wanted something or was going to try to sell me something , but he actually just wanted to chat to someone that clearly looked like a visitor . We ended up speaking for over 30 minutes about things ranging from where I 'm from to why I came to Berlin , and even about the refugee crisis . His view on the refugees was totally different to the Czech woman I had met on the train the previous day in that he thought that it was a great thing for different cultures to get together and learn from each other . He even encouraged me to come work in Berlin because he felt the city needed people like me to improve its diversity , among other things . I tried asking 3 different people to take photos of me with the Dom in the background , but all of them failed miserably . The photos were either askew , or they 'd cut off part of the Dom . You 'd think all working - age people would know how to operate a camera phone , but apparently that is not the case . I took a stroll to the Freidrichstrauße station and decided to head back towards my hotel . But since it was not quite dusk , I still had time to see more . Instead of going back to Potsdamer Platz , I took the train to Brandenburg Tor ( Gate ) , after doing a lot of running around trying to figure out whether to take the U - Bahn or the S - Bahn , since they have different stations for each , and consequently different directions that they go in . That for me was the biggest pain in the ass in Berlin , and cost me a lot of time in the days to come . I constantly wished it was as easy to navigate as Munich 's train system ( not to mention everywhere else I 'd been ) where there 's just one station per stop and all had ample signage . Anyway … The Brandenburg Tor station comes out right in front of Brandenburg Gate , and it was only about 1 . 4km from my hotel , so I could easily walk back . As I mentioned before , it was the 25th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall , so there were tonnes of celebrations going on on the other side of Pariser Platz . I assumed that one would need tickets of some sort to get in , so I didn 't join . I kick myself for not doing it now because I should have went to see what was going on . It 's not everyday that you 're in Berlin for such a historic event . Since I wasn 't about to go looking for anything to eat , I decided to get a cup of coffee from the Starbucks at Pariser Platz . € 4 . 70 ( basically , an arm and a leg ) got me a tall cafe mocha . I didn 't want to waste my time by having their cappuccino again . Their cafe mocha however … that was a different story . It was probably the best I 've ever had . It was the perfect temperature too . They also spelled my name in a way I 've never seen it spelled before , and trust me , my name has been spelled in many different ways . It was dusk at this point , my favourite time of day , and I wanted to stick around the area more . I walked towards Brandenburg Gate to somehow get a glimpse of what was going on behind all the barriers , and little did I realise that the Reichstag lay just around the corner . It really was by chance that I stumbled upon it , as I had not checked the map to see exactly where it was . There were queues of people outside it , and dozens inside the dome at the top . I enquired about tickets , but was told that I had to have booked in advance and that I could try getting tickets from the offices across the road , but the queues would take hours . It 's such a pity I didn 't look that up when I was planning my trip . I instead did the stupidest thing of assuming I could buy tickets at the door . Tip : Never assume ! I was quite exhausted by then ; I had walked nearly 13km that day according to my S Health app . It still wasn 't close to the 18km I had walked in Prague a few days before , but it was a lot . I still wasn 't tired enough to use the train back to my hotel though . Walking isn 't something you get to do much at all in Johannesburg , so I wanted to use that opportunity to the fullest . I just knew the general direction in which to walk so I kept on going until I reached familiar territory - the Mall of Berlin . It was early , but dark . I was starving because I had walked off whatever coffee and food I had consumed that day , but wasn 't sure where to get something . I went back to my hotel and eventually decided to take a walk around Potsdamer Platz and the other side of the Mall of Berlin which seemed to have some cool lighting around . After walking around for at least an hour , I gave up looking for something to eat . I didn 't want a big meal so I wasn 't about to go sit in a restaurant . It ended up being one of those days where lunch had to suffice ! I went to bed watching more news of what was going on at Brandenburg Gate , as well as some British news - I had actually missed hearing English . I didn 't have anything planned for the following day ; I was free to wander . Not that I was complaining . Prague to Berlin Berlin . Just the sound of that name makes me sigh with wonder . It has been a bucket list item for countless years , and even though I have finally ticked it off , there 's still something alluring about it that I just can 't seem to put my finger on . My desire to make Berlin happen started in 2013 after seeing The Piano Guys ' new music video , aptly named Berlin . It sounds cheesy , I know , but once a song like that gets into your brain , all sorts of things start happening . Even though I had just done a Contiki tour the previous year , it didn 't cover any major German cities , so my need to see Berlin still wasn 't satisfied . Brooke from World Of Wanderlust is the one who put things in motion for me . She had moved to Berlin for a few months and offered for me to stay with her . So the whole thinking behind this trip was to do whatever I needed to , then save Berlin ( the best ) for last . Even though circumstances changed and she no longer could keep up residence there , I had made up my mind to do the trip . After all , why should her absence put me off ? I 'm pretty sure I 'm going to bump into her again at some point . I still have to thank her for indirectly influencing me to do this trip . I woke up very excited on the morning of October 3 , 2015 . I had already asked for a cab to take me to the main station , so after having my last breakfast on the wonderful Botel Matylda , I gathered my things and checked out so I would be ready to go once the cab arrived at 9 : 30 . My train was going to leave at 10 : 3o so even though the station was pretty close to the hotel , I wanted to be there early . The cab fare was set at € 10 , much cheaper than what I had paid the day I arrived in Prague , and considering the hassle it would save me , I didn 't hesitate to arrange for one . The friendly driver arrived early at 9 : 25 and loaded my bag into the car . I trusted the hotel receptionist to remind him where to drop me , since I didn 't want to make an idiot of myself by pronouncing " hlavní nádraží " incorrectly . I had become so used to German that I had to consciously remind myself to not say Hauptbahnhof . There was only one thing I hoped for the morning I woke up to leave Prague : that I 'd take one train directly to Berlin . Up until now , getting in between cities was really a mission , especially from Salzburg to Prague . From what I could tell , this was a direct train . The cab driver didn 't speak much English , but I somehow managed to confirm with him that he was in fact taking me to the main train station . The poor guy sweetly tried to make small talk , so I used as few words as possible to make understanding simple for him . He basically asked where I was from and whether I had enjoyed Prague . There were tonnes of tourists around me , all of whom rushed as soon as the platform appeared on the screen . I just had to observe them to know which direction to go in , which , conveniently , was around the corner from where I was standing . I heard something fall in front of me , and looked down to find a palm - sized pink plastic suitcase . It obviously belonged to a child , but there was not a single one in sight . There was a young Chinese couple in front of me , and I know it sounds very stereotypical , but I figured that it might have belonged to the girl because it seemed most likely in the absence of children . I asked , but it was not hers . I decided to hang onto it and keep my eyes open for anyone that might come looking . No one came , and I realised that the child who had dropped it was probably hurrying to their platform and had already left . I could feel that there was something in it , but didn 't want to open it until the last minute . When my platform eventually showed on the screen , I made my way to it , still looking around for someone who might want the tiny suitcase I was holding . Eventually I decided that the owner was indeed gone , so it would be fine if I looked inside . There were 4 Stickeez in it , each of a different colour . I chuckled to myself because I had heard some ridiculous stories about them being evil . It was the stupidest thing I had ever heard . I had booked a private compartment reserved for women , but the train was quite full , and I ended up sharing my compartment with not only another woman , but 2 men as well . I didn 't mind though , since it was a 6 seater . There was plenty of space for all of us , and for my bag too , luckily . The woman appeared to be in her mid 50s , and looked quite dignified and established , and somewhat nerdy . Of the 2 men , the older one seemed to be a local as he didn 't have any baggage , greeted only the other woman ( in Czech ) and went straight to sleep before the train could even leave . The younger man looked to be in his early 20s , and just had a small backpack with him . He didn 't say anything , but his blonde hair and tall , muscular physique indicated that he might be Australian . The woman had started talking to the younger guy before he moved to the window , and as soon he opened his mouth , my suspicions of him being an Australian were confirmed . The woman , as it turned out , was a local . She was incredibly friendly and curious about the guy and I . It was certainly the most fun train ride I 've ever had , as our conversation carried on for nearly 2 hours . The guy , Chris , was only 24 and had been cycling around Europe for the past 3 months . He works for a company in London that was closed for 6 months in order to do some major renovations ( I 'd really like to know which company can afford to close for that long and still be in business ) . With all the free time he had , he was literally living out of a backpack with a sleeping bag and tent , while cycling through every corner of Europe he could possibly reach . He was living a dream . Well , except for the tent . We asked where he 'd been and where he planned to go next , and of course , why he was on a train when he 's meant to be cycling . The reason was both amusing and frustrating : he got delayed by more than a day from cycling through the Austrian Alps , which messed up some of his schedule . So in order to make it to his reservations in Prague on time , he had to take a train there from Dresden . The problem was that that particular train he had booked did not allow bicycles on it . He had to either leave his bicycle behind ( locked up on the platform ) , or stay behind with it . Of course , rather than lost his reservation for 5 days , it was better to just leave his bike behind and go back for it . So he was on my train only until we got to Dresden , where he 'd fetch his bike and immediately head back to Prague on another train . His plan was to head further south and end up somewhere around Istanbul . There was a bit of trouble there at the time , so I hope he made it safely . His only deadline was to be back home in Australia to spend Christmas with his family . I 'm sure he made it . The woman , whose name I didn 't really catch , was going to be with us for less time since she was going to the house that her parents left her in order to tend to the rock garden . How often does one hear a story like that ? She lives in Prague and is involved in several things , one of which is being the secretary general of some organisation that helped underprivileged children . I cannot for the life of me remember the name of it or what it entails exactly , but I remember being fascinated . She was also involved in other things that sent her all over the world to lecture and set up facilities in places from Kenya to Vancouver , and she had also lived in the US for several years while studying her Doctorate . She was certainly someone to look up to , and I regret not asking for her contact information so I could keep in touch . Chris , the woman and I spoke about many things including the refugee crisis , and it was very interesting getting her ( i . e . : a local European ) opinion . As we all know , the Czech Republic was not open to the Syrian refugees , and the media feeds us a lot of stories that we as outsiders tend to believe . She was not speaking on behalf of all Czech people . but her personal opinion was that she did not want the refugees to come into her country as from what she saw happening in some of the other European countries , the refugees were demanding things from the locals . Even though they were in desperate need , they did not accept food and water from a certain Christian organisation as the items they were distributing had the symbol of a cross on it . According to her , they went as far as emptying the water bottles and throwing the food away . That to me was horrifying , and certainly not what I expected to hear . She said that if you are going to someone for help , you should take what you can get ; you should not be fussy about what they offer you . I do agree with that , but it saddens me that in some ( I 'm sure not all ) cases this is not what has been happening . She also felt that by them coming in , cultures and traditions would get lost , and she was too proud of being Czech to want that mixture to happen . The woman said goodbye and wished us well as she left the train at the last stop before entering Germany , leaving me with Chris . After she left , I changed seats and moved to the window next to which she had sat . We had about an hour to get to Dresden , so Chris and I decided to have a bite to eat . The woman had given me half of her sandwich , after much persuasion . It was incredibly kind of her , and I was very grateful because I hadn 't bought anything to eat before leaving Prague . The only food I had with me was a pack of Oreos which I decided to keep for later . The sandwich was enough to keep me going till after Dresden , and I figured I 'd get something upon my arrival in Berlin . We passed incredibly beautiful towns ( or rather , villages ) on the way to Dresden , the majority of which lay alongside a river which I assumed was the Rhine . Turns out it 's actually the Elbe . Chris said it was such a pity he hadn 't had the chance to stop at any of them . He was on a midnight train to Prague the night before and everything was pitch black , so he had no idea what he was going passed . As we approached Dresden , I was surprised at how big it was . I was expecting a town , not a city . How naive I was . I asked Chris about it and he said it was wonderful , and that there was so much to do . I did consider doing a day trip out of Berlin , but figured I didn 't have enough time in Berlin to spend a whole day going back in the direction I had just come from . Ideally , I should have spent a night in Dresden and headed to Berlin from there . Oh well , now I know ! I had the next hour to myself to enjoy the peace and quiet , not to mention the scenic rail route I was on . I took my iPod out again for the first time since the woman had started talking about 30 minutes after leaving Prague . I had a theme song for this trip , and it has now become my motto : When I arrived in Berlin , I was shocked at how massive the main station was . I had seen pictures of it from the outside , but I didn 't realise it would resemble a shopping mall on the inside . There were several levels and escalators and lifts all over the place , not to mention shops and restaurants . Once I left the train , my next step was to get a ticket to Potsdamer Platz , where my hotel was . It wasn 't long before I found a ticket machine , however finding the right platform turned out to be a bit of a mission as I thought all the trains were on the same level , when in fact the local trains ran a few levels up from the level I had arrived on , not to mention perpendicular to them . Luckily there are tonnes of friendly people to ask . It was also a mission to find a map of the network so I 'd know which direction to go in . Thankfully the station had WiFi , so I was able to look it up . I arrived at Potsdamer Platz within about 10 minutes , and because I had studied the area on Google Maps and Street View , I knew which direction to exit the station from . The station was about 100m from my hotel , and there were escalators going up , so it was very easy for me to reach my hotel from there . I had definitely picked an awesome spot to stay . When I arrived at the Motel One , check in was seamless apart from the fact that I had to make my payment . It was one of 2 destinations on this trip that required payment upon arrival . I was then handed my check in confirmation , which included my unique WiFi password . It was the biggest hotel I had stayed in on my trip , and I was excited to be checking into a place that chic . I was on the 7th floor so I thought I 'd have brilliant views , but the direction I was facing wasn 't that desirable , although I was directly above the glass ceiling of the Mall of Berlin . The next few days were going to be busy , so I needed all the rest I could get . Since I had a decent tv in my room which automatically turned on when I put my room key card in its slot , I decided to watch some local tv to find out what was going on . Turns out it was the 25th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall , and that there were major festivities happening at Brandenburg Gate . I considered taking a walk to see what was going on , but my body was just tired . Brandenburg gate was only about 1 . 2km away , so I figured I 'd just take a walk there the following day . Europe 2015 : Nearly There There are only 25 days left for my trip now , and the excitement really is building . My mind is starting to drift , and everything is falling into place . As usual , I have decided to blog my status update . The number of curious people has increased - mainly those that are still in shock that I 'm going all by myself . I 've gotten warnings of all kinds , ranging from " Don 't accept drinks from strangers ! " to " Maybe you 'll meet a nice German guy ! " . Its easy to tell which of those are from my parents and which is from my friends . Either way , all warnings I get are very entertaining . People , I 've done this before , I know what to expect ! I 've decided to spend the largest amount of time on packing . As I have probably mentioned before , I am a terrible packer . I tend to pack a lot of " just - in - case " items , which take up valuable space and 90 % of the time I end up not using those items at all . From past experience I know not to pack brand new shoes , or clothes that I hardly wear at home to begin with . New shoes just hurt because you 're wearing them in from walking more than usual , which basically means you 're punishing yourself for buying new shoes . Not ideal . I 've also decided not to take a handbag with me , but rather just a backpack . On this trip , its going to be a better idea to put my DSLR directly into my backpack rather than in its own bag with all the lenses , as that too is a rather cumbersome thing to carry , especially considering the fact that I 'll constantly have my backpack on . Having both hands free when you 're moving around is underrated , and you realise the luxury only when you have awkward things to carry . The best tip that I picked up was to email myself all my documents such as my flights , accommodation confirmations , and most importantly , my passport . We 're online all the time , so its important to have electronic copies of important documents like that as you never know when they might come in handy . The last thing you want is to be stuck without proof of who you are or where you 're going . As much as its great to have printed copies , its always advisable to cover your tracks with an electronic copy too . One thing that I really wanted to do which didn 't quite go according to plan was to visit Legoland in Berlin . Lego was a major part of my childhood and I simply cannot miss this opportunity , especially when Legoland is a mere 200m from my hotel in Potsdammer Platz . Legoland Berlin is the first place I 've seen that says " Adults must be accompanied by a child " , although I understand why . This wasn 't my problem though , as Adults can go at night which is what I wanted to do anyway . The problem is that all of those tickets were sold out online , which means I need to try the walk - in route . For something like that , I really wanted to have an advance booking , but I guess I 'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope that I can still get a ticket as a walk - in visitor . All in all , I 'm beyond excited . It is a long overdue break and I 'm pretty sure its going to be one of the most memorable trips I 've ever done . I 've decided to try another continent on my next trip so I won 't be seeing Europe for a while after this one , so I have to make it count . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I woke up with an instant headache from being so tired . I don 't have ear plugs so had to sleep with 2 beanies on my head to drown out the sound , with the pillow over my head . This didn 't drown out much noise , but did make my head really sweaty . So thanks for that mum and dad . When mum drove us to school it wasn 't my day to decide what station to listen to , which meant I had the joy of mum and my sister singing along to Barbie Girl . When I got to school , as I walked through the gates , I noticed a few girls glancing my way and whispering . It mustn 't be me , I thought , I don 't even really know those girls . I stared them down though , just to be on the safe side . I 'm not one to whisper about , if they know what 's good for them . When I got to home room , it was my turn to say the prayer . I did a generic , " Thank you Lord for this … Thank you Lord for that … AMEN " , job . Oh , I 'm not a morning person . Do not make me say a prayer . It will not be meaningful . It should have gone something like this ; " Dear Lord , please make sure that tonight my parents don 't get out of their heads wasted . I pray to you , please make sure they don 't have loud sex that keeps me awake all night . I pray to you that I can sneak out of the house and see my friends . I pray to you that I get sent home from school today . I pray to you that I don 't have to do prayer time again , because I suck at it , I 'm not great at public speaking . Oh , and while I 'm praying , please make sure Mr Edmonds doesn 't speak to close to my face today with his coffee and cigarette breath while he 's looking down my dress . AMEN " By the time second period came around , I was already really over today . But then it got better . Oh , so much better , when I got a note passed to me from Chels which said , " How are you feeling today ? I hope you 're not too down " . At interval , I sat by myself , eating my apple , reading my book . She apologised . I said it 's okay , but to let it go . She 's completely getting on my nerves . During third period , I got another note passed to me . This one from a girl called Anna . " Is it true that you did it ? Fran overheard you telling Chels " . Thankfully ( for me , not the girl I 'm about to mention ) , but a girl called Kate who I 've known since I was 10 , is pregnant . She 's 13 too . I feel horrible for her because that must be so scary . The upside for me is nobody is talking about ME now . But … the school has been begging her in the office not to get an abortion . They showed her a video of an abortion to put her off . This makes me completely disgusted . I hope her mum finds out . Word through the grapevine is that she 's going to keep it . After school I met a weird boy in the bus depot called Damian . Damian goes to a school about 40 minutes away from my house . He 's about to finish because he will be 18 soon . He has shoulder length brown hair and blue eyes . He is in a Smashing Pumpkins tribute band apparently . He asked me out and I said no straight away , but said he could add me on MSN and gave him my email . Ugh , boys ! All of you please just go away . I got home , ready for a long rest . I checked my email , and there were 15 unread emails from Jeff … who I 've been avoiding like the plague . He was saying how much he loves me , needs me , needs to talk to me . DELETE DELETE DELETE . I 've already emailed him this week to check on him , see that he 's okay , but he 's becoming possessive and scary . I sat down then , and had just taken a bite of my dinner which I made for me and my sister , when 2 of dad 's friends come in with boxes of beer . Then mum gets home . Then the men 's wives come over with wine . Then me and my sister get shooed off to our rooms . Then the loud music starts again , and I have a thumping headache and I want to scream . I smoked a quick and very sneaky joint out my window so I can go to sleep . One of dad 's friends who was smoking a cigarette outside said into the house , " Which one of you guys has pot , I can smell it " . I stubbed it out and sprayed my room with perfume . So I did . I hadn 't seen him since the weekend . When he hugged me I smelt his skin , his hair and his clothes . He smelt so good , like he always does . And it make my skin prickle . I told him what was going on and cried a little bit . But he brushed my tears away like he always does , and kissed me for 10 minutes . He said , and I know this sounds like a cliche , but that one day we 'd go away me and him , and I wouldn 't have to deal with this shit anymore . Her mouth was wide open . She said she was disappointed . When that word came out of her mouth her eyes squinted and she looked pretty mad with me . She wanted to know who it was , but I didn 't tell her . I don 't want to spoil the whole thing with her overanalysing everything that I do . That makes me sick you know , thinking that she feels sorry for me . She probably thought I had been taken advantage of , that 's not the case . Either she thinks that , or she 's really just trying to make me think about my behaviour by reacting in a way that makes me think what I did was wrong . See , we go to a Catholic girl 's school . This last year we were made to sign a ' virginity ' contract . This meant that we made a ' promise ' to our classmates , teacher , and God , that we would not have sex before marriage . I refused to sign it , and gave it back blank , with no name , no signature . I remember her watching me hand it back to the teacher , void of any kind of writing . And she looked at me sideways . I just smiled at her sweetly and let the moment pass . I didn 't want to talk about it with her . Virginity that belongs to me , is my virginity to give away . It 's not something I need to write about in a contract . It 's not something that I need to guard on a promise to a religion I 'm not sure about , to people I don 't know very well . After everyone found out about me and Shane , we went back and joined the party , without having to hide it from everyone . What was annoying though , was that everybody wanted to know EVERYTHING about EVERTYHING . When did it happen . Had we liked eachother like that all along . Was this going on since last time we were busted kissing . Had we had sex . Do we ' luuuurve ' eachother . Do my other friends know . Does this mean we 're exclusive now . Something happened between Lissy and Teesh and they had a huge fight in front of everyone . Lissy ended up crying in the toilet for half an hour and I couldn 't get her out . Neither of them would tell anybody what it was about , but I 'm almost positive that it 's because Teesh kept looking at a GUY . After a while I was just so tired , and then I kept getting nervous about whether mum and dad were going to find out about me not being where I was supposed to be for the night . I made Dane drive me past my parents house . It was 1am . They weren 't home yet . I was SO RELIEVED ! I was so tired that as soon as I went back to the house I brushed my teeth and hair , got changed , and hopped into bed . After 10 minutes Shane came in and crawled into bed with me . He put his arms around me and nuzzled into my neck . It was that moment when I realised I didn 't even care if I DID get caught out by mum and dad , that this was worth it times a billion . I can 't lie , we did it again . Quite a lot . I think that it 's getting better and better each time . I didn 't go to sleep until about 4 : 30am . It wasn 't just because of " that " , but because we were talking , laughing , joking , singing and telling stories too . He 's a fun person to be around , and that 's why we 've been friends for so long . I swear I would run away forever with him just so we could do this all the time . I 'm sure lots of people say that , but I really , really mean it . I really love him so much that I could cry , as a friend , as more than a friend . I know I 've said that before in this diary about someone else , but now I feel like this I realise everything I thought about love and relationships really didn 't even mean anything . But I guess that 's just how it goes . In the morning , when I woke up , I got to roll over and see his face while he was sleeping , and he looked happy and cute . His face is still bruised from the other day at the skate park , and his knuckles are bruised too . But that somehow added to his charm . It was about 10 minutes later that the others came in , jumped into bed with us , 7 of us in the bed together , making jokes about the night before and whining about our headaches . James asked Shane if he wanted to go to the beach for a surf . Then everybody else decided it was a good idea too . I said I 'd better get home , and then everybody started peer pressuring me to go with them ! Lissy had a great idea that I call Chels , tell her that I 'm doing something I didn 't want my parents knowing about , and if she could not call me at home . So I did . She was on the phone for ages trying to get me to tell her what exactly what I was doing . Exactly who I was with . Exactly where I was going . I held her off by saying I 'd tell her at school . I don 't think I will though . I had to go by Lissy 's and borrow a bikini . It 's so gross wearing someone elses bikini . Yuck . But it was better than wearing my underwear on the beach , that 's where I draw the line . We had to take a couple of cars , but I went with Shane , James and the other guys . It 's always better for some reason hanging out with a bunch of dudes . You can joke about anything , say anything , and no matter how gross it is they will find it funny . In the car we got high . When I got to the beach I felt really giddy , like everything was funny . I got out of the car like a bullet out of a gun , ran down to the beach , peeling off and throwing my clothes as I went . I ran straight into the stream that leads to the beach . The water was so cold after being in the stuffy car . But I felt the best , really relaxed , happy , a little bit high . With the black sand under my feet and the blue skies above me . It was all perfect . I saw the others coming closer then . Shane was picking up my clothes bit by bit , shaking his head at me . He yelled " What the hell are you doing ? " But I knew he was amused . He said he was going to teach me how to surf . I wasn 't great . Standing up was so hard , I kept slipping off and each time my heart was leaping because I was worried I was going to get hurt . The surf was really rough so I tried to catch waves that had broken and were slowly making their way to shore . It only really worked twice . Behind where the waves were breaking we both had a rest and sat facing eachother on the board . We had an impromptu sing along and a little kiss . But I was worried I was getting sunburned so swam to the shore . When I came back mum asked why Chels ' parents didn 't come in . I said they were in a rush . She asked me why my feat were covered in sand . I told her they 'd taken us for a stroll along the beach . I was still a bit high . I wanted my half an apple . I can 't believe I actually got away with this . And I think I just had the best 21 hours of my life . Take me back again . As soon as I said it , I regretted it . My hands got sweaty just thinking about what if she called her house to see if I was lying ? What if she insisted that she was going to pick me up in the morning ? FUCK ! Mum looked really pretty actually , and when she asked dad how she looked he just said , " Okay " . He can be such a dick ! I don 't know why she 's married to him . I hope she gets hit on in front of him , that 'll teach him ! I quickly brushed my hair , rubbed some coconut oil into my skin ( Lissy told me coconut oil is sexy ! Who knows ? ) I put on my sweater dress because I knew it would stil be kind of cold . Right when he got to the door , I swung it open and kissed him . He lifted me up a bit . I noticed his hair is GREEN now . It looks awesome . I picked up my backpack , it had a few things back for over night . Shane looked at the bag , then looked at me and said , " Really ? " With a huge grin . I can 't believe that I did that to be honest . I just really hope I don 't get snapped eventually . Mums have a gift at finding things out . In the car , he kept looking over at me and smiling . We sang along to Orgy . I said that maybe we shouldn 't tell out friends , because they would try to get involved . He agreed . We get there , and James had made me this crazy looking drink in a big glass with 2 umbrellas in it . He 'd made all the girls those drinks . I took a sip and was almost blown away by how much alcohol was in it . He 's not good at making up drinks . Almost as soon as I got there , Lissy and Teesh grabbed me by my arms into the corner . This always happens . Them and me just getting drunk together and gossiping in a corner somewhere . Until they start kissing , and then I 'm the third wheel . They are so funny . Teesh made Lissy corn braid her hair . Corn braids are not something that I think is pretty , but I wasn 't about to say that to her . Even though my drink was gross I kept sipping until I was at the bottom of my glass . I took it up to the kitchen and jingled the ice at James for him to fill my glass up . He did . This time I pointed to how much rum I wanted , and how much coke . Just to be on the safe side , hah hah . Me and a few of the girls got up then and were dancing to Rage Against The Machine . Then the guys joined in . Then they got too out of control and James swore at everybody to calm down in case something broke . I kept looking over at Shane for the whole hour , and he 'd look back at me across the room , and we 'd both smile . I heard James ask him what was up , why did we keep looking at eachother ? And he said , " Nothing , we just had a joke in the car " . And then winked at me . The girl came in then , the one that Shane had something with a few parties ago . He didn 't even look at her , and she looked a little bit upset when she smiled in his direction and he barely saw . I felt a bit sorry for her to be honest . I had my hand down by my side , and Shane touched it with his fingers when nobody was looking at me . That was when I snuck off to one of the rooms down the hall . I brushed my hair again . Then Shane walked in . We kissed for a while , until we heard banging on the ceiling . When I looked up , there was James , there was Scotty , there was Lissy , there was Dane … all looking down at us through the skylight . They actually CLIMBED ONTO THE ROOF to see ! When we looked up we knew we had been caught out . My mouth was wide open . I picked it up and it was Shane . He said to please , please , please call my night with my friend off and go hang out with him instead . I didn 't tell him that I already had because it was more fun that way . See ? Another mean thing / lie ! I know people have always said that sex is a powerful thing , and so is lust , and it makes you think and act crazy . But this is a mixture of love / lust . I already loved him more than anyone , but now this . It shouldn 't be legal ! Ahhh , I have to go . Dad 's calling me . He 's been trying to get me to clean the house all day . CLEAN IT YOURSELF . Shane 's parents were away in a hotel . Shane says they are going to get divorced he thinks , so they went away to see if they could get back some of what they had or something . I really don 't get how going to a hotel will fix anything , but what do I know ? I walked over there after getting dressed up . I honestly felt so good . When I was walking over I had 3 boys whistle out their car window . I actually hate it when guys do that , whistle at us like we 're sheep dogs or something . Is that supposed to make us swoon to them ? Who knows . Clearly they are idiots . When I got to his house I hid behind his fence for a while because I was really nervous . His house has the messiest front lawn I 've ever seen in my life . There 's plumbing pipes , bits of cars , old bits of wood , all piled up in their lawn . He said that 's part of the reason why his mum can 't take it anymore . When he saw me his eyes went really wide . Then I was self concious . I asked him what was wrong , and he said nothing , that I looked really nice . He said he was just worried in case I got the wrong idea and thought he was having a party . ( I didn 't tell him what was going on in my head by the way ) . He 'd got out some movies that I like . Ones that he really hates . Like The Wizard of OZ , and also BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ! That made me laugh . As if I 'd expect him to watch that with me ! ! He put The Wizard of OZ on , and told me he was just making dinner . As it happens , he made tacos . He makes the best Mexican food in the whole world from his mum 's recipes . I don 't know what 's in there but it 's so good . I only ate one taco though , I didn 't have food on my mind . When there was a lull in our conversation , I slid up to him on the couch . He looked down at me with a half smile . Almost a questioning kind of look . A bit like he was wondering what was happening . And then I kissed him . We kissed for so , so long . It ended up with me lying on the couch and him on top of me , just kissing like that , for a very long time . He actually carried me there . CARRIED ME . Like in the movies . I was thinking in my head , ' Is this real ? ' . Because CARRYING ME , honestly … does anybody really do that ? It was amazing having his arms around me . He 's kind of muscly . Having his arms around me and his weight on top of me made me feel really safe , kind of like I was in some sort of cucoon . I know that sounds lame . It probably is . But it was amazing to me . All the way home , he held my hand really tight . He said he couldn 't believe what had happened , and to be honest , neither could I really . He kept looking at me and smiling . When we got to my house he said he didn 't want me to go . We hung out for a while in a house that 's getting built out the front of mine and kissed some more . Every time I was about to leave , we ended up kissing again . Honestly , I thought I would feel angry , annoyed or disgusted with myself after doing it . But I feel amazing . Like , truly truly good and glad . Because me and Shane are so close , we always have and we always will be . But now I feel like , I really know him . And , that 's what he said to me too when we were watching Buffy . I 've decided I 'm going out tonight . As soon as I got back from school I was straight in the shower . I had a half bath / half shower . If you 've never had one of those , you should . I know the idea is gross but the actual feeling of it is well worth it . I had a go at putting on eye makeup . It looked like I had black eyes . I took it off . Then I looked like I had been crying from rubbing it off my eyes . So I put makeup back on . It looks okay . I tip - toed upstairs and stole a spray of mum 's perfume . I also stole a cigarette . I also stole half a bottle of Baileys . She doesn 't even like it that much so she won 't miss it . I just got a phone call from James . Apparently him and Shane were down at the skate park ( they go there a lot together . They call it ' bro time ' , because they are idiots ) . Well , Jason was there . James told me that Jason punched Shane in the face about 3 times and he was covered in blood . Then Shane just laid into him apparently . James said he kneed him in the nuts and everything , and slammed his head into the wood . I don 't know what to think . I feel like , well , I can fight my own battles . But on the other hand , I kind of like that someone is fighting them for me . January 23 , 2013 by My Lame Teenage Diary At school today we were all sitting around gossiping . There 's so many stupid bitches at our school , I 'm surprised we don 't gossip more than we do . The gossiping happened because there are 2 cousins that are in my class together . They call themselves ' sisters ' because they live in the same house ( one of them was abandoned by their parents ) . Anyway , there I was , eating my half an apple like I do every day , and then we suddenly heard all this screaming . I looked over , and the 2 ' sisters ' are going at it in the yard . The younger ( and smaller ) one was punching the other one in the face so hard , and the bigger one was just taking it . I watched her face , and saw the moment when something ticked over and she completely snapped . Then she grabbed the smaller ones hair and started dragging her around by it . The smaller one let out the worst blood churning scream . I swear they both just stopped in their tracks , the bigger one with the smaller ones hair still in her hands . The smaller one with her mouth open . Just frozen . I was expecting a little more shock . Chels was shocked and told me not to even think about it until I 'm 16 . But the other 2 told me they 'd already done it . I can 't believe they lied to me right to my face like that . I 've never seen either of them with a boyfriend so why bother lying to me . It 's weird because suddenly , it 's pretty much the only thing I think of all the time . I heard that boys think about sex every 7 seconds . But , is that just boys ? I see sex in EVERYTHING at the moment . Some foods make me think about sex , watching kissing on TV makes me think about sex , some songs on the radio make me think about sex , and sometimes NOTHING makes me think about sex and I just think about it because I 'm thinking about it . Off the topic , Jeff has been emailing me a few times a day . I 've asked him to see me but he still won 't . Shane says that Jeff is emotionally blackmailing me in a way , by telling me he 's going to kill himself . Shane says he doesn 't think Jeff has a genuine bone in his body . He thinks that Jeff is just talking about suicide so I won 't cut off contact , so he thinks I should just stop talking to him completely and that he won 't go through with it . I don 't know what to think . I 'm not always replying to his messages because he 's commanding too much of my time , and the reality is that I 'm not interested in being his girlfriend and I 'll never be interested . He 's way too old and the whole situation is a bit off . |
I have moved ! I am sure by now most of you have gotten my new addy . If I missed you please let me know and I will send you the link . Friday I had to take one of the cats to the vet . That made us $ 160 lighter . I am just glad that we had the money in our checking account . I guess really watching our spending helped there . Sunday I went down . I was having so much pain . I swear that I felt like I was having a toddler clawing it 's way out of my body . We get to the e . r . Our poor nurse had such hard time just finding a vein . I guess that hole no fluids and puking up all the fluids that went in did not help much . Rusty took yesterday and today off . So today we had to go get all of my meds . Thank God I had some money stashed . Those set us back another $ 122 . Today while we were out getting my prescription 's fill Rusty was such a big help to me . He would walk around to my side of the truck and help me get out . I said you know we can act like a little old couple . You will be walking real slow just trying to hold me up . While I walk all hunched over . Yep that was us today . I love Rusty . He is so good to me . Rusty sat with me for two day 's . He helped me shower , helped me . . . well he helped with everything . I am now on very restricted duty . There will be no heavy lifting for me . No more driving for a while , and no more of not taking care of myself . My dog , Butter is doing better . I swear I was going to have to get him something if I did not come soon . He did not eat for two day 's and all he did was sit at the door and cry . Now I am home and he finally ate something , but he also will not leave my side and is now sticking even closer to me . Tonight one of the ladies from the church is bring us some dinner . I am so thankful for that . I don 't wait , I know that I do not have the energy to cook and I know Rusty is worn out as well . Last night I was standing in the kitchen getting everything ready for dinner . The my phone rings . It is Barry . So I answer it and say " Hey you how is that baby of yours ? " If this crap had happened here in California , I would have gone down to base and snatched that baby up and then kick the crap out of her . I swear to you . . . . don 't mess with my marines ! I feel for Amber . I struggled all the way through school and I had to work my ass off just to get a c . However I am going to do exactly the opposite of what my parents did . . . . . throw me out . Today I do no have any major chores . I do have to go get dog food and take Nikki to fill out some more applications . I would love to get my dinning room table cleared off , so that I can start another quilt . I saw this real easy pattern in a quilt book , so I thought I would give it a try . I have a question for the universe . Why is it that I cleaned out my dresser drawers and get rid of stuff , but I still never have room in my drawers 2 months later ? If my clothes are breeding then can 't they breed into something new ? Last weekend a Reader Digest article caught my eye . So I bought the magazine . There is an article in there about a family that went on a zero spending diet for 30 day 's . They did pay their bill 's , and they set aside a certain amount for fresh fruit and vegi 's , but once that money was gone it was gone . The week that Jolynn was here I must have had Starbucks four time . Well heck that is $ 20 I just wasted . I have since washed out those starbucks cups and I am reusing them for my coffee to go . At 38 I know better then to run my husband down in front of his peers . At 38 I know better then dress like a tramp when we go out . At 38 I know better then to get drunk and make an ass out of myself . I told Jolynn that it was after our conversation that I realized why Rusty does some of the things that he does . Rusty did not have to rush home and go get my meds and buy me all the food for the brat diet . Amber could have done that . But instead , Rusty left work early , came home and went and got my meds . Rusty made sure that there would be no penicillin any where near me . Rusty really showed his love for me that day . Belonephobia is the fear of needles . I have that . I will avoid going to the doctors for fear of seeing a needle much less getting stuck by one . Rusty has to hold me down anytime I have needed a shot . I went through natural child birth so that I could avoid . . . . . . needles . So if you ever hear that I got a tattoo , please know that I am dead . LOL Nikki is at her first day of classes at her new school . Nikki only has to go once a week , Tuesday 's are her school day . I also need to make an appointment , so that we can go register for Nikki for college classes . Next semester I will have two children in college . Now that is a scary thought . However at least I will not have to pay for Nikki to go to college , but I will still have to buy her book 's . I am kinda hoping that Nikki and Amber end up in the same classes , at least then they could share a book or something . Tomorrow is the end of our blanket drive for the veterans home . I am not sure how many we have in total yet , but I know that whatever we have will help out . I will try to get a picture of my stacks of blankets . I will do this again next year , but I think I am going to start earlier and next year I will reach my goal of 50 blankets ! I meet people all the time . Everyone of them leaves an impression on me . Recently I met a veteran that just made me miss my father in law . I was in the fabric department looking at all the fleece and I noticed this older gentlemen sitting on a stool . My father in law would go material shopping with my mother in law and I . He would just stand there and wait to be summoned to hold material . This older gentlemen had the same look on his face as my father in law would have . I talk to this older gentleman for a few minutes . He had just had surgery on his arm and his wife drug him to wal mart . I went to get all of material cut and one of the ladies asked me what I was going to do with all this fleece . This older gentlemen grabbed my arm and said " excuse me what did you say you were going to do with those blankets ? " I once again explained to him what I was doing . By this time the gentlemen 's wife had walked up . It turns out that this guy was a veteran and he said that he had his surgery at the same hospital where we are donating the blankets to . I asked this gentlemen 's wife to write down his his name and address for me . She did . I told Rusty that on the next payday I am going to make this gentlemen a blanket and drop it off on his door step . Lynn , wanted to know why I surprised that I was a pick by the guest editor . I guess I am just surprised that people would find my life even a little bit interesting . I think my life is dull and very uneventfully . I do know that from time to time I do some crazy stuff , but hey that is life . One of the marines said that he was going to grill some steaks tonight . That will be nice . That also means that I do not have to cook ! I must admit that I do miss fall . Back east all of the leaves change colors and the weather is just so crisp . However I do not miss racking leaves ! Yesterday we had some more marines come home . Chris was the fir marine that I saw . I just ran up to him and hugged him so tight . Then I saw Larry , whose real name is Nikki , anyway , she looked real good . I could not find Leeroy to save my life . So finally i just started walking along all the gear , and then I spotted him with a group of marines . I pushed my way through the marines and gave him a kiss and a hug . Leeroy told me this morning that when I grabbed him he thought that someone had grabbed the wrong marine . Leeroy confessed that he did not think we would be there . All I could say was that " I told you I would be there . " Yesterday Jolynn and I had a girls day out . . . . after we welcomed the boys home . We went to the beach and soaked up the sun . We went rock climbing and shell hunting . Then I got Jolynn in the ocean . Jolynn had never swam in the ocean , so it was neat to see her reaction when she finally got in . Today Jolynn went home and all of the marines are off getting all of their stuff done . I got the living room cleaned up and got the carpets cleaned in there . I have two roast in the crock pot , and so much more left to do today . Oh Barry 's wife finally had the baby ! They are now the proud parents a HEALTHY baby boy ! I am so happy for them . Barry is so happy to be a dad and it is so funny to hear him talk about his new baby . I know that Barry is going to be a great daddy . Amber got her first tattoo over the weekend . amber got a turtle on her foot . The turtle is for her grandfather . My dad use to call Amber the turtle and she is just so proud of her turtle . I must admit that I do like the tattoo . Well , I still have a million things to get done today . On the top of my list is doing some stuff for Rusty . Over this past weekend Rusty and I have really been moving in different directions . Today I want to make sure that all of his laundry is done , and I am even going to make Rusty some homemade bread . I love my husband . Why am I so early ? My to do list is long , and I have to get it all done today . Today is my day to kick ass and do a million things . I do not want to do anything the rest of the week . I have blankets to finish and to get collected up . I have to finish cleaning up around here . I want to get all of our laundry done before the marines bring me more laundry to do . I have to go turn in Nikki 's paper work for her new school blah blah blah . On Friday I found out that the lady that was going to take 15 quilts to finish was backing out . What ? Oh I was so not happy . So , I started calling all of my friends that have children in high school and asked them if they needed community service hours . I have a lot of the blankets farmed out now . Oh I even found a couple of home schooled children who wanted to help . Oh thank God for free labor ! This weekend I decided to clean one of our area rugs . My in laws brought this rug back from the middle east , and did not know how long it been since it had a good cleaning . OH my does wet wool stink ! That led to me cleaning the carpets in the whole house . Now I am hooked . I love the way the carpets look when they are clean , so now every morning I am cleaning the carpets in a different room of the house . I mentioned to one of my friends that I wanted to buy a pedicure for the dogs . My friend just laughed at me and told me to go get my dremil . Well that saved me $ 20 ! Rascal just laid there as I filed down her toe nails . I need to file them a little bit shorter , but this is an easy way to her nails trimmed . I told Rascal that I had some real cute girl material and that I would make her a neck scarf . Rascal loves to get a bath , get her nails done and to just look like a girl . I think she was a princess in a former life . I told Rusty that we needed to buy Ryan a new pair of shoes . Amber said I have a pair of boys skate shoes that I never wear , he can have them them ! Yes that is another $ 20 in my pocket . I swear my little boy is not so little any more . He is all most as tall as me and I am 5 ' 4 " ! Then again Rusty is 6 ' 2 " so I am sure Ryan will be tall like him . Last night I was talking on the phone and walking around the block . When I saw something sticking out of a trash can . So I HAD to look . I scored this little stereo that has a tape deck and a cd player . So I pulled it out . Then I found the speakers for it , so I pulled it out . Then I found a bunch of recycling so I pulled that stuff out . I was a bag lady without a bag or a shopping cart ! Today I am going to go drop off all of the finished blankets . They are starting to consume my home . I think once I am done with this quilt drive , I am going to do a baby blanket drive . Let 's face it . With all these guys coming home , there is going to be a baby boom ! LOL Amber is over the accident and has made some good choices . Amber decided to have this gal take her car to a little place that we go to . It look 's like it is going to cost Amber a lot less to get the car 's fixed . I am proud of Amber for using her head and for starting to really think things through . Amber also applied for a job at the ups store and they interviewed her yesterday . Today she has to talk to another manager . Amber is going to try to work both jobs until after the fist of the year and then after the first of the year she will put in her two notice at her retail job . The weather has been very cool here and I have just been loving it . I am usually a hot weather type of person , but man this year it has been way to hot . Not to mention that my electric bill needs a break . Linda brought up a good point yesterday about my plastic bag fetish . I will not go to the store and use a plastic bag . . . . ever . It is hit or miss with the girls . Rusty is another issue . He loves his plastic bags . Under my sink is just full of plastic bags . I use them in trash cans and I do use them to scoop cat poop . When the bags start to really take over I will take them down to the recycling place . So yesterday while Amber and I were at the 99 cent store I stocked up their bathroom . We got them a shower curtain , a toilet brush , bathroom cleaner , tp , liquid hand soap , bar soap , deodorant , and some q tips . When we got home I had Amber dig out some shower curtain rings , and I dug out a bathroom trash can , and some bathroom rugs . Amber said that she had to laugh at me . If I ever see people throwing away useful stuff I will pull it out of the trash . Well , the rugs and and the trash can can from the trash . I just washed everything up and they were fine . i guess it goes to show that ones mans trash is one mans treasure . It also proves that you can reuse stuff or give the stuff away instead of throwing the stuff way . Last week when we went to the commissary I took in all of my reusable bags . On the way up to the door Rusty said " You know they have bags here . " I just ignored him and kept on walking . When we got home , I went out to the garage and pulled out a Arizona tea jug out of the recycling . I washed it up and made lemon aid in it . I said " Rusty that is lemon aid in the jug not Arizona tea . " The kittens are growing so much and they are really starting to show their own personality . One of the kittens likes to climb the screen door . This morning was no different . While Rusty and I were outside having a smoke one of the kittens climbed the door . Rusty said " Just think we are told with every litter that they will not make it . Now look at them . It make me sick to see these kittens come in . They depend on us for some much and people just throw them away or abuse them . " That was so special for me . Rusty does not complain about me doing foster care , but I know at times he wishes that I would not do it . By Rusty speaking those words he has told me that he understands why I do what I do . I was talking with one of friends last night and he was telling me that he was telling his new girlfriend about Rusty and I . So I had to ask " What did you tell her ? " He just laughed and said " I told her the truth . I told her that Rusty is very right wing conservative , very much still has the mentality of a marine , and that he expects his house to be run that way . As for Kelli , well she is a hippy that is so far out in left field that we do not know if she is still in the game , pushes the limits and likes to get naked . " I very calmly told her that I do not care if her cell phone gets turned off . I do not care if you have to pan handle for gas money . I do not care . Break the agreement and you will no longer drive . I think we are going to come up short of my goal of 50 quilts . We will see . I am just going to keep moving forward and take it one quilt at a time . While I was at Joann 's yesterday I found some really great fleece that I want to buy for Nikki . I can 't believe that the fleece is $ 14 . 95 a yard ! I am just glad that I coupon for 40 % off on cut . Now that is a lot of tieing , so I asked one of my friends who is a teacher if any of her student 's needed some community service hours . So her class is going to tie . Nikki and all of her friends are going to be tieing , so they can get more community service hours . Berry is trying like you would not believe to get out of here . Berry found out on Friday that the doctor is going to induce his wife . We are hoping that someone can push him through all the red tape and get him home with in the next few day 's . It would be so sad for him to be this close and still miss his first child being born . Rusty and I did not go on our date this weekend . But that is O . K . After spending $ 285 at the commissary we could not see going out to eat . So I spent yesterday watching Rusty do a tune up on the car and truck . Then I edged and mowed the yard , and I even trimmed one of the tree 's back . Rusty came over and swept and helped pick up the branches . It was so nice to just spend time with Rusty even if we did yard work . I have adopted a young man from our church . I adopted Aaron , because that is Nikki 's future husband . I will be doing his laundry , making sure he get 's fed , and has anything else that he might need . I should explain who Aaron is . Nikki and Aaron met at summer camp . They talked on the phone and wrote for a while and then Aaron went off to boot camp , and then off to Iraq . Aaron called my cell phone while he was in Iraq . He wanted to talk to Nikki , but Nikki was in school . Aaron said that everyone he called never picked up , so I talked to this young man for and hour and half on the phone . It was at that moment that I knew he was right for Nikki . There is only one problem . Nikki is 16 and Aaron is 19 . The Army look 's down on that . Barry said that once they got into March Air reserve base and they got their busses load , the marines started to load onto the busses . That was when they were stopped . In Barry 's words : " The male marines were crammed into two busses . We were sitting balls to ass and on the floor . There were five women with us , and they got a whole bus to themselves . " I do not believe that women should serve in combative roles . I did not want a women in a hole with my husband . I did not want to have to wait for adrenalin to kick in so that she could move my husband out of harms way . However if they want equal rights then they should be treated as equal across the board . I know of guys that deploy as soon as their babies are born . So then why do women get to wait for six months ? After six weeks your ass should be out of here . I enjoy not having to do heavy lifting . I enjoy not changing my own tires . I do however love cooking for my husband . I love being able to stay home and raise our children . . . . even if I want to kill them most day 's . I enjoy doing my hair and putting on body spray and looking like a women . I enjoy making my husband his lunch and doing his laundry . I do not want my husband or any of the boys to treat me like one of the guys . I want to be tucked into bed when I don 't feel good . I want a bag of chocolate just because . I want my husband to say you smell so good . So to all the women out there who scream that they want equal rights but only when it suits them , I must say " NO THANK YOU " . I do not equal right 's . I want my husband to continue me like the princess that I am . Yesterday Nikki called me to tell me that her youth pastor had been " laid off " . What ? Why ? So I called Nikki 's other parents and they do not know why he was laid off . Nikki and Kevin come walking up from school and they both looked like someone had just shot them . Kevin and Nikki have known each other for years and they go on mission trips together . So they were both worried about this change . Yesterday I just spent the day doing some sewing . I am still working on this scarf for my mom . I decided to do some detail work . I thought this would be a great time to show off my handy work . I went to put a lasagna in the oven yesterday only to find out that the oven broke ! O . K . it is two day 's before pay day , So now what ? Then it hit me . I do not have to pay to get it fixed or to replace it . So I called our landlady , but it will be several day 's before it gets fixed . I am just glad that we do not have to pay for it . Rusty has been working a lot of hours and he is just so worn out . So the other night Rusty said that he wanted to go to dinner . Just the two of us . Rusty 's only requirement is " we don 't have to pull around to the second window . " So I have been thinking . Maybe Red Lobster ? They are having shrimp feast right now . Rusty could still get a steak there . Rusty wants to go try this Aztec restaurant . So I told him that we could go there , but that I would have to take his heart burn medicine before we leave . Today I am not going to be doing to much . I better est up because tomorrow I have a ton of errands to run , and I might make a trip up to the commissary . Heck going to the commissary is an all day trip in it 's self . I gave Barry the blanket I made for his baby . I am so glad that Barry will be there to see the birth of his first child . Then it hit . Barry is going back to North Carolina because that is where his wife is . Then he will come back here and pcs in November . I will never get to rock his baby . I have a rocking chair and no babies to rock . Barry promised me that he will be back for a visit and that I will be able to just sit and rock the baby . Over the weekend I saw an ad for a free English riding saddle . So I went and picked it up . Rusty and I were thinking that it would be in bad shape . Oh NO ! This saddle is so nice . The lady even gave me the pad and the cinch for it . So we started looking on e bay and those saddle 's are expensive . Rusty and I are going to list the saddle on e bay . I have never used and English saddle before but put me in a western saddle and saddle stand back ! LOL Flash back . Rusty and I were over at one of his friends house and they were out looking at this guys horses . Old Fred was saddled up and I knew that old Fred was once used for cattle roping . So I asked if I could ride old Fred . I went out in the arena and set up some cones . I adjusted the leg straps and hopped on . Old Fred and I trotted around for a while and then I said to myself " Lets see if I still have it . " Fred and I started going in and out of those cones . I looked like a pro . Rusty and his friend just stood there in shock . Yep I still had it . I think that was the first and the last time Rusty has ever seen me ride . The shirt I wore to base last Wednesday has this picture on it . Above the picture my shirt say 's : No retreat , no surrender , no compromises . On the back of the shirt it say 's " This is a war . A war of ideas . Live offensively . " Rusty is so sweet to me . Yesterday he ordered me my favorite breadsticks and went and got me some over the counter meds and tucked me into bed . I just love the way he takes care me . I am such a lucky women . I feel like I should be doing something productive , but what you can do ? I don 't want to wake up the whole house . Or do I ? No , it is way to early to have everyone up . So lets see . First thing this morning I had Ryan 's IEP . We only had two major changes that we wanted made . The first thing we wanted was for Ryan to be taught to type . The school system even has these little keyboards that Ryan can type on and then this ketboard plugs into a computer and Ryan can print out all of his work . Well the principle agreed and now Ryan will be learning to type . For years we have been spinning our wheels with Ryan . We have tried every writing program , and he still can 't write . We have tried every math program and this child still can 't do basic math . So now we are moving on and are just going to give Ryan the skills he will need to get by . Today I wanted to finish a quilt , because I need to get some of them quilted . I was almost done when I tried to hurry . I ended up sewing the last two lines wrong . So I had to take it all apart and do it again . That does not even bother me . I am still in my happy place . Today I met a fellow j lander for lunch and we had a blast ! I know that I will be seeing more of her and her son . Amber and this fellow j landers are the same age , so I am sure that they will end up going out and doing something . Rusty was not feeling to good today so he came home early . I am glad that he is home . I think I am just going to go demand that he rub me down . I am still sore from yesterday . Rusty say 's that I am to old to be body surfing . I think he is just jealous that he can 't body surf . LOL I also got a phone call from Iraq today . It looks like all of my boy 's are coming home ! I can 't wait to hold them . I have also gotten word that one of the boys is coming back injured , but they have not told me that . . . . they told Amber and I don 't think I am suppose to know . That 's o . k . I will be right here waiting for him , hurt or not , these are my boys . At 7 : 30 this morning Amber say 's " mom I do not have to work or go to school today . Let 's go to the beach . " I immediately said " let 's do a general clean up and then we can go . " Then it was off to the beach . On our way through base we saw Rusty heading in the other direction . So I called him and we met for lunch . When we got to subway Rusty was waiting on us . So I get out of the car and say " Hey sexy if you don 't mind can I take you to lunch ? " Amber and Sam are use to me , but the marines that were around us looked at Rusty and I funny . I was also wearing a very controversial shirt . That got a lot of looks , but I don 't care . None of the marines dared to say anything to me . By that time we were all hot , so it was body surfing time . I had so much fun out there body surfing . Then we went in and grabbed the boogie boards . The waves were so perfect . I did loose it a few times , and all Amber and Sam could say , " Well it is a good thing you are a great swimmer " . Today reminded me why I love to live in southern California . Sun , sand , and surf . Today was the nice break that I needed . My mind is now clear and I am ready to take on the world . One of the marines called us today and he told us that another should be home this week . So we are just sitting on go . The marine that will be coming home will get back in just enough time to check in , get a few things settled , and go home to see the birth of his first child ! The other night I was so pissed off that I actually washed my car . I never wash my car because I think it is a waste of time , water and energy . I did however discover that the title of my car is right . I do own a white car . Here I was thinking it was black with a lot of dust mixed in . The down side to he car was that I could not find my car in wal mart parking lot . I was looking for a black car and now mine was white . I guess the guys at base will be happy . They wont have to wipe dirt off my windshield to read my decal . This morning at 7 : 30 I fired up the carpet cleaner . Amber just looked at me and said " what are you doing ? " I just looked at her like here is your sign . Once I got the carpets cleaned I started putting all the furniture back . Then I stopped . I put some of the furniture out in the garage and rearranged some stuff . I love the way the house looks now . My question is : Are we dirty people or I am I just to clean ? I feel like I should clean the carpets every month . I wanted to puke when I saw how dirty the water was . So , after I got the carpets cleaned I went to wal mart . I only had to pick up a few things . O . K . now I am a women on a mission . I get to the check out line and low and behold I do not have my wallet . I sent Amber out to the car , but it was not there . My wallet was right where I left it . On the bed ! According to the news we are suppose to have flash floods today . So I was looking around . Nope , not a cloud in the sky . I don 't think we are going to get them . Rusty had a blast at his cigar social last night . I am glad that he has this outlet . Rusty said that he might get off work early today , so I am looking forward to spending some time with Rusty . Even if it us just talking while I clean up the kitchen . Yes it is Monday . So last night a friend called me and said " I have two extra tickets to burning man . Do you want to go . We have the bus packed and you can ride with us . " I wanted to cry . Hell yes I want to go to burning man . I could be packed in no time . Since everyone will be nude I want need much clothing . Then reality hit me and I to turn down everything down . I can 't just pack up and leave . There would be no one here to take care of Ryan . So today I just did stuff around here . I did get a lot of sewing done , and I got Ambers blanket all tied together . So that is one Christmas gift done with . Rusty is out at a cigar social , so he will not be home for dinner . Amber is working , so she wont be home for dinner . So it looks like the rest of us are going to be having left overs . I am just not in the mood to cook . I did finally find someone with a carpet cleaner , so tomorrow I am going to clean the carpets . My life is just so exciting that I can 't stand it ! LOL Last night I finally saw the show Michael Vick . Animal planet did an awesome job ! I am so glad that a rescue group stepped up and took all of the pit bull 's . I can imagine destroying those dogs just because people mistreated them . My mistreated pit is the best dog in the world and I don 't know what I do have I lost him . I swear someday that dog is my sanity . aoljurlAdd , aoljurlAdd _ 1 One the day Amber had her accident with the cat , Rusty came home and was there for Amber . Rusty works with another retired marine and this marine reminded Rusty that this is a big deal to Amber . After all Amber still calls Rusty 's to kill spiders . I love the way Rusty waited up for Amber and gave her a hug and just let her cry . I love the way Rusty just sat on the bed on watched me changed the filter on the cold air return . For years Rusty and I have argued over me doing things like that . Now I got to change the filter without him complaining . I love the way Rusty said nothing to me when I had to turn down tickets to burning man . Rusty knows that I have wanted to go . He knows that I want to run around naked and set things on fire . The dogs are driving me nuts . There are people in the back yard cutting down my sun flowers . . . grrrr . . . and the dogs can 't go out . They so want to go run in their back yard . Tonight I have some running around to do . I need to go wal crap and pick up some material for amber 's blanket . If I get it done now I can put it up for Christmas and that will be one less thing I will have to worry about . I got a phone call from one of the marines and he told me that he will be home soon ! I can 't wait to hold the marines . I also talked to this marines mom and she will be coming down for his home coming . I can 't wait to see her . We always have a good time when we are together . Today I do not have a lot to do . just the general stuff that has to be done everyday . After yesterday I so don 't want any excitement . I do think that I am going to run to Target and see if they still have this shirt that I have been wanting . Now that is excitement at it 's best ! LOL We finally get to the vets office . The vets gave the kitten a once over and she was fine . The vets tried to calm Amber and it worked a little bit . Rusty is like just get over it . I guess when you have taken a human life , killing a kitten is nothing . So Rusty is not being sympathetic . I wish my shrink would answer his phone . I would say " I had no idea what to do . I wrapped the kitten up in a quilt , and I held him as he died . I tried to calm Amber down . We even got the other one checked out and she is fine . How do I get that vision out of Ambers head . Amber has never killed anything before and this is really breaking her up . What else can I do to help my daughter ? " Well , there it is . Greg was getting dressed when I finally showed up with his quilt . I was playing beat the clock because Greg ended up leaving on Tuesday and not Wednesday . Since it has hit the news already I can tell you that he was going to go support another unit , and that unit took heavy causalities yesterday . I had to take two of the kittens into the vets office . It turns out that they have an infection so they are on meds for the next week . The kittens that are sick are very small for their age , but the vet said that once they get weaned that they should start to put on some real weight . The sick kittens are the brown ones . Amber has been keeping me on my toes . Amber did get into an English class that she needed , so I am very happy about that . I was not happy when the only class she signed up for was yoga . Amber got pulled over the night . She made an illegal u turn while coming home from school . I must have taught her well since she got out of the ticket . Amber pushed her boobs up and started crying . She told the officer " I just left my first night of college and I got lost trying to get back to the freeway . Can you please help me . " The cop let her off with a warning ! LOL . I am glad that those big hooters came in handy ! Amber has drained my coffee can . I have a coffee can that I place money in from time to time . Since Amber has screwed around and not gotten her papers filed I have had to pay for college . I told Amber that I WILL be paid back . I should not have to carry her because she did not listen to us . Amber asked me for gas money last night . I am not going to give it to her . She can go take it out of savings . This will teach Amber what savings is for and it show her that her lack of planning will cause her to loose some money . She will get paid on Friday for driving those children to school , but she has class tonight , and no gas . This is Nikki 's diaper bag / school bag . I had to run Nikki around so that she could get her sports physical . I have never had such a run around ! Well , she should be set for this year . I do however like her English teacher . This teacher is having the children take stories out of the news and do some digging on their own . So Nikki is learning that there is more to every story then just what the news shows . I like a teacher that will challenge my child to really think and to make her own conclusions . I got into an argument with a substitute teacher over a form that I wont sign so Ryan can use the computer . Rusty and I talked about it and Ryan is no where near ready to be on the Internet , not to mention that he has no clue what a mouse is , or how to use a computer . The sub said " Would you like to explain to Ryan why he can 't use the computer ? I can put him on the phone . " That was it ! I snapped back " His father and I are his parents and we do not have to clear or explain our actions to our children . " I did find out that the principal at Ryans school has started a special ed gym class . I was so very happy to hear about that . I also found out that since Ryan loves basketball , that we could mainstream him for gym , so that he can play nothing but basketball . I am trying to figure out how Ryan got good at basketball . First of all he is a white boy who can 't jump and his father never played basketball ! LOL Here is my sewing machine and my stash of material . I am so glad that I had that stash , because I did not have any extra money when I needed to make Greg 's quilt . I do still have another quilt to make , because we will have another marine leaving soon . Amber has been asking me to make her a quilt out of Hawaiian material . But yesterday I saw some Hawaiian fleece material , and I think I am going to make a her a tie quilt . I will put that blanket up and give it to her as a Christmas gift . Here is our computer desk . I refinished this desk a few years back . It took me all summer to sand off all the old paint , but it is finally done . I just put a clear coat on to seal the wood . I love the way the desk turned out . Today I am just going to do the usual . I do not have to go anywhere or do anything and I am so looking forward to that . I am so sick of being on the move . I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go ! |
I am attaching Chapter 4 for those of you who are following along on Halley 's adventures . Thanks so much for your feedback and interest . After all of this time spent writing privately and only sharing with my writing partner it 's reassuring to hear that readers are enjoying the story , especially those of you who are reading it with your kids ! " Please accept my apology , Ms . Irving . I shouldn 't assume that you would have taken your husband 's name . I forget that isn 't the custom so much in America , especially when you 've already established yourself professionally . Oh dear , it 's probably Dr . Irving , isn 't it ? " Mom had made salmon with brown rice and asparagus , one of my favorite meals . She and Dad quizzed Jonathan while we ate . It turned out that he lectured at a university and they soon got his entire background and compared notes on where they had all studied . I was glad the food was good because I started feeling bored by all the adult conversation . " So Jonathan , Halley tells me not only are you a brilliant archaeologist , you also practice a little alternative medicine . Her elbow has healed so nicely . What did you use on her injury ? " " I 've heard of using certain dried seaweeds for the same reason " said Mom . " It seems to have helped the healing process also . She 'll have a little scar but for such a deep wound it 's healing remarkably well . " Jonathan answered , " It 's always good to learn what we can from ancient cultures . I believe there 's a great deal that we don 't know about the plants that are all around us . Halley told me you 're studying some of the local algae for their possible medicinal value ? " " Yes , I collect the specimens here at the shore and then take them to the university in Edinburgh . We haven 't been able to keep them alive in the lab for over a week so it 's a fair amount of travel back and forth . But it works out because Halley and Tom stay here at the cottage . Halley loves the shore as you already know . She and her father have done some exploration along the coast in his canoe . You might enjoy going out on the water with them sometime . " Dad loved to talk about his boat and he jumped into the conversation . " Oh this is a wonderful little boat , it 's almost impossible to tip over . It 's called a Gheenoe and it has a small outboard motor . They 're custom built in Florida . We bought it when we lived there and I had it shipped over once we realized we 'd be staying in Scotland awhile . You 're welcome to come with us or you could even take it out yourself sometime if you 're comfortable with it . " Now Mom interrupted . " I 'm curious … do you really think there might be something of significance here that could prevent the resort from being built ? I know the council is looking forward to an infusion of money into the area . " Jonathan looked thoughtful . " Well , there 's evidence of civilizations having been here for over 9000 years and I 'm certain there must be something of interest in the area . The company that 's building Caislin Cliffs already did an archaeological survey and claimed there they didn 't find anything . I don 't expect that they looked very carefully though . They wouldn 't want to find something that could prevent them from building . " " Halley said you had mentioned something about Goddess cultures . When I was first in college I intended to major in Women 's Studies and I learned about some of the religions that were more female oriented . It was such a revelation to me that people could think that way and that the God I learned about at church wasn 't necessarily the whole story . But I must admit I didn 't meet many men who were involved in the field . " " It 's alright . It 's interesting to learn more about our parents as we mature . My mother was a strong influence on me . She helped to widen my horizons when I was young by questioning the status quo regarding religion . I had an unorthodox childhood . My father died before I was born and left us quite a bit of money . My mother was a great traveler and we were always on the go . It 's why I became interested in archaeology . " " I suppose I was raised much more traditionally . I never discussed any alternative with my mother . My father had already passed away by then , but it certainly wouldn 't have been something he would have listened to . " " Yes , religion has certainly caused a lot of controversy in this world . I suppose that 's why we 're admonished not to talk about it in mixed company . " There was a pause in the conversation and then Jonathan asked my mother " Since Halley has shown some interest in archaeology I 'd love to show her some of the exhibits at the Historical Society in the village . Perhaps I could pick her up Tuesday morning ? " " Good , then it 's settled . " Jonathan replied . " And Tom , I haven 't heard anything about your work yet other than what Halley told me the other day . " Dad was happy to take over and started talking about astronomy and the standing stones at Callanish . He 's really excited about the full moon that will occur at the beginning of August . He and Dr . Brayer are looking at how some of the stones in the outside circle may point to something that hasn 't been observed for nearly 20 years and they 're hoping to publish the results . He and Jonathan talked about Stonehenge and other archaeological sites that may have been tied to the movements of the sun and the moon and stars . Finally it was time for dessert . Mom had used my Nan 's recipe for cranachan and it was delicious . It 's made with raspberries , whipped cream , toasted oatmeal , whisky and heather honey . It 's just a tiny bit of whisky so I 'm allowed to eat it too . Jonathan loved it and had seconds . When we were done I started to clear the table and Dad invited Jonathan outside to look at the boat . I brought out two glasses of whisky for them . This one smelled like a campfire and I couldn 't imagine drinking it . When I came back inside Mom was in the kitchen washing a plate and humming a song that sounded kind of sad to me . She was staring out the window and didn 't notice me come in . I picked up the pan from the cranachan and brought it to her . " Hmm ? Oh nothing . I was just thinking . I 'm so pleased that you 've found someone you enjoy spending time with and he 's really very nice . " " Yes he does . That 's why it seems a little odd to me that he 's so friendly with you . He must be in his late sixties and you 're only twelve . I really wish you would make some friends your own age here . Maybe you should go to the village school next year . " " I 'm nearly thirteen . And please , Mom , don 't say that . I love doing all of my education by Internet . And I do have friends . There 's Mrs . Muir at the library and I can talk to Mrs . Fraser and well , I 'm really okay Mom . I don 't have much in common with a lot of kids my age . " " Well thank you Halley , but yes we 're the same age . And Mrs . Fraser is no friend to young girls . All the women around here are so sanctimonious . " " What do you mean Mom ? Mrs . Fraser is okay . She just feels badly that Nan was by herself for so long . I talked to her yesterday morning when I went to ask about the key to the desk . " " Oh , you know Mom . Just about Nan being heartbroken that you left to go to college and well , she did say something about Nan going to church every week . I never knew Mrs . Fraser had a son . " " Yes , Colin … That 's one of the reasons she dislikes me so much . He was interested in me but I didn 't see myself staying in Scotland and raising sheep for the rest of my life . She 'd never say anything directly but I can just feel her judging me . I was fortunate to get an education and have a life where I can actually do something that might help people . I 'm sure she blames me in some way that he was killed . If I 'd stayed and married him he wouldn 't have joined the army . " " Do you really think she blames you ? That 's not fair . I mean you didn 't make him go to war . He could 've married someone else , right ? " " Yes , I suppose he could have . I just know she and her husband have never been very welcoming to me since I left and she 's not happy that we 're here . This was a difficult place for me to grow up . It seemed that everyone was always watching you and just waiting for you to slip up and do something that they could gossip about for the rest of your life . You would have hated it . You couldn 't have gone swimming , your interest in biology and wildlife would have been looked at as abnormal . My becoming a scientist is a complete anomaly for this village Halley . The other women my age got married and moved in to their husband 's homes . They had babies and cooked and cleaned and went to church . I 'm not saying there 's anything wrong with that , it 's just that it 's not for everybody . It wasn 't for me and I 've never been forgiven for it . " I put down the dish I was drying and looked at Mom . " It was good that you left when you did . If you hadn 't gone to college and met Dad I never would have been born . I 'm happy you 're a microbiologist . It helps me to know that I can be anything I want to be when I grow up . I didn 't know you felt this way about Scotland , Mom . You never really talked about it . " " That 's why we visited so rarely Halley . I would 've liked to see Mum more often but something always happens every time I 've come back here to remind me of why I left . It 's been good to be in Edinburgh every week . And I know people probably talk about your dad going into the village to buy the groceries but he doesn 't know that or even mind . He 's American and doesn 't care what these people think of him . I don 't know why I care myself anymore . You would think I could have gotten over it in the past 30 years . " She loosened her pony tail and shook out her hair . I noticed the streaks of white but I still thought she looked much younger than Mrs . Muir . She took off the apron and hung it near the sink . " Well , let 's go outside and say goodnight to Jonathan . We 've got to be up early to collect specimens . " After I went to bed I started thinking more about what Mom had said it was like when she was growing up here . Maybe she 's upset that I don 't have friends because she didn 't have many friends either . I never really thought about her feeling like she was different from other people before . In a way it would be nice to have a friend but it 's hard for me to make friends . Maybe I would have had more friends if my feet didn 't look like they do but I doubt it . I 've always felt shy and I prefer to be by myself with my imagination . I did have a friend named Amy for a couple of years when we lived in Florida . We used to pretend we were horses and gallop around on the playground together whinnying and neighing . We would draw animals together and I thought she was a really good artist . She didn 't care about my feet and I guess she felt different too . She got teased by the other girls because she had a cleft palate and had a scar on her lip . She moved away when we were in third grade and we lost touch . I don 't know where she is now . I miss having a friend but it 's hard to know who you can trust . I got teased too because of my webbed feet . When we lived in Florida some of the girls at school noticed and started calling me names . I didn 't tell anyone for a long time because I was embarrassed . But one day I asked my mom why my feet looked like this and eventually I told her that some of the kids were teasing me . I wouldn 't tell her their names . I think she must have mentioned it to my teachers even though I asked her not to . After that the girls stopped teasing me but they also stopped talking to me . Since we moved to Scotland I 've been careful not to let anyone see my bare feet . No one here really knows that I 'm different other than that I 'm American . I 'd like to be friends with the mermaid . She 'd know what it 's like to feel different . I smiled as I thought about her kicking up her feet in the waves and drifted off to sleep . The next morning was Sunday , which is the day that Dad makes pancakes for all of us . When we finished breakfast I went to the shore with Mom to collect specimens before she went back to Edinburgh . I 've been going to one ocean or another with her since I was a little kid and it 's always fun . We collect plankton and algae from the little pools of water that are left behind on the rocks after the tide rises and falls . They 're full of sea life but you wouldn 't really notice unless you looked carefully . There are tiny shrimp and lots of species of snails and mussels . Sometimes I see sea anemones waving their tentacles at me and small crabs scurrying around , feeding on whatever washes in with the tide . I like to watch the snails move slowly along the rocks . They 're very elegant in the water and move differently than a land snail . They move their antennae around like they 're picking up signals from outer space . I could watch them for hours . This morning I kept looking out to sea for the mermaid but I didn 't see her . One of the reasons I was excited about moving to Scotland is because of all of the interesting places to be near the water . You can swim in lakes here , which they call lochs , and my favorite place of all which is the ocean . Scotland is small compared to the U . S . but it has a lot of coastline and islands so there are beaches and seashores everywhere and lots of places for wild swimming . Of course I want to swim the wildest place of all which is the Corryvreckan . While we were collecting the samples I brought up the idea with Mom . " Mom , I would only swim when it 's calm during the turning of the tide . I 've looked into it and you just have to swim for 30 minutes . I know I can do that . And Dad could swim with me . There 's a swimming adventure company that even has boats go alongside you for safety cover . " " Could you talk to Dad about it and see ? It 's a big birthday for me , Mom . I 'll be a teenager ! Please ? I won 't ask for any other presents . " " I 'll leave it to you in my will but I 'm not giving it to you now . It belonged to my grandmother , Genevieve . Maybe I could find another jade ring for you though . I didn 't know you liked jewelry . " " Let me discuss the Corryvreckan with your father . I know you 're a strong swimmer , but you have your whole life ahead of you to do things like this . Enjoy your childhood a little longer . " " I 'm not a child anymore , Mom . I 'm becoming an adult . I 'm very responsible . Even you say that . You leave me by myself for almost a week when you go to Edinburgh and I take care of myself and the cottage and even Dad . " That night I was having a hard time sleeping . Mom and Dad were talking in the library and I could hear a little of what they were saying . I thought Mom said something about the Corryvreckan so I got out of bed and went closer to the opening of the loft so I could listen more closely . " I don 't know if it 's a good idea , Tom . It 's a really long drive and I 'll miss collecting on Sunday . And you too , don 't you have a lot going on with Dr . Brayer next week ? " " It 's her thirteenth birthday , Gen . I think we should do something special for her , don 't you ? She loves it so much here in Scotland and she loves to swim . Let 's do something to make her happy . Especially since we might not be here next year . " " Speaking of next year , I talked to Mrs . Fraser the other day . I mentioned that if we stay here we would be moving to the house and they can have the cottage . She wasn 't very pleased about it . Just looked at me with that dour look and said that whatever I wanted would be fine by her . I still can 't believe Mum put a clause in her will that allows those people to stay on . " " Genny , the Frasers have lived here for over 30 years . Where else would they go ? I know you don 't necessarily like them but they do keep the farm running . " " It 's a croft , Tom . Not a farm . A farm sounds so much nicer . Something with cows and chickens . Not these stinking sheep . I swore I would never come back here . I can 't believe we 're still here . Mum 's been gone for nearly six months . " " Halley really seems to be thriving here . And it 's not so bad for right now , is it ? You 're in Edinburgh most of the week . I need to finish up this project and then let 's talk some more about it . I wouldn 't mind being based here in Scotland … Of course if you 're unhappy we 'll have to reconsider . " It was getting uncomfortable to stay in position so I shifted my weight and the floorboards creaked . It got very quiet and then Mom said " Let 's talk more about this later . I 'm too tired to discuss it anymore tonight . " Jonathan was waiting inside for me at the first exhibit . " Good morning , Halley ! I 'm so pleased you could come today . This museum doesn 't have much for archaeological exhibits . The Museum nan Eilean in Stornoway has more of those but it 's closed for renovations . They may open for some special events later in the summer so perhaps we 'll get a chance to visit there as well . " We walked through the exhibits and the first thing Jonathan wanted to show me was a statue of a Herring Girl . I 'd never heard of anything like them before and it was interesting to find a whole exhibit that was about women . Women and girls had worked gutting and packing fish for several generations in and around Stornoway on the isle of Lewis . It was unusual for them to have jobs outside the home at that time in history and they were happy to have the income . Most of the herring industry disappeared after World War II . Jonathan found another plaque and read it to me . " This says that this area has been settled at least since Viking times although there is archaeological evidence of Neolithic activity in the near vicinity of the town . That 's what I 'm hoping to find more of near where the development is scheduled to be built . " " So what exactly are you hoping to find at the shore ? " I asked Jonathan . He looked at me intently and once again I noticed the blue of his eyes . " Well actually a labyrinth is a bit different from a maze . In a true labyrinth there 's only one way in and one way out . A few have been found in Greece and other locations , and they 've been used in Christian churches as well . They can help people to enter a meditative state as they walk the path . There have been rumors for centuries that there were ancient , pre - Christian labyrinths in the Scottish Isles but no one has ever found one . It 's likely that they would have been obscured by erosion or the build up of peat . " Jonathan took a notebook from his briefcase and sketched a cross in the center . From there he drew curved lines from one side to the other . The pattern became more complicated with spirals and switchbacks . He drew the final line with a little flourish . " And there you have it , a classic labyrinth ! " " Yes , once you 've learned the steps it 's quite easy . But it does seem almost magical at first , doesn 't it ? Here , watch again and you try it . " I pulled out my notebook and a pencil and carefully imitated the same lines as Jonathan while he drew . And there it was , my very own labyrinth ! Just then I saw my father drive up to the curb and wave to us . He called out the window . " Are you about ready to go ? I 've got to get you back out to the cottage and go meet Quinn again this afternoon . " I turned to Jonathan . " Thanks so much . I really enjoyed myself today . I almost forgot to tell you Mom and Dad are taking me to Jura to see the Corryvreckan whirlpool for my birthday on the weekend but maybe we can get together again after that ? " For any of you contemplating sharing something of your creativity I encourage you to Just Do It ! Anticipating all of the terrible things that could happen ( they won 't ) is just a way of letting fear rule your life . Share your creativity and joy ! Here is another potential cover and Chapter 3 . I 'd love to hear what you think . Please feel free to post in comments or send me an email . My second attempt to get to the library went more smoothly . Mrs . Muir was always very helpful when I went in to research a project but everything I had done so far was based on facts and science . I certainly couldn 't bring up the mermaid with her . My report on the wildlife of the Outer Hebrides wasn 't complete but I couldn 't even think about it when I had all of these other questions tumbling around in my brain . " I was actually on my way here and had a bit of an accident on my bike , but I 'm okay . I need to ask you about something else though . Have you heard anything about some kind of buildings being planned near the shore ? " " Oh , yes of course I 've heard , dear . There 's been talk of developing out there on and off for years but with the economy in the shape it 's been lately I know the council is quite excited about the possibilities . It may change the shore a bit but the area could use the income . I don 't think it will affect our bird population though . You must be nearly done with your report . Is there anything else you need ? I 'm off to assist Mrs . Glen with her genealogy search . " " Oh thanks , Mrs . Muir . I 'm sure I can find what I need . Do you have Internet service today ? We lost it at the cottage from all the rain . " I sat down at one of the computer monitors to look for information about mermaids . At first almost everything I found was about Disney mermaids like Ariel and Hans Christian Anderson 's Little Mermaid . My mermaid wasn 't like that . I kept searching and came up with something called selkies . They seemed to fit more closely with what I 'd seen . Some people who lived in ancient Scotland dressed in seal skins to keep warm . When other people saw them from a distance as they took off the skins to dry them on the rocks they may have thought they were actual seals . There were legends that said selkies were able to live on land like humans and then go back to living under the water . I wondered if the person I saw was actually a selkie . I thought about looking for another book about the history of Scotland and the civilizations that Jonathan had told me about but I was getting tired and wanted to leave . I signed out the books that Mrs . Muir had saved for me and put them in my backpack . As I pedaled home I wondered if Mom was back from Edinburgh yet . Maybe it would cheer me up to spend some time with her . As I filled the tea kettle and got out the cups I thought about what I should tell my mom . She always seems to notice small things that other people would easily overlook , like my arm being hurt . Dad hadn 't noticed anything at all . I decided to tell her about the luxury resort and meeting Jonathan , but not to mention the mermaid . A few minutes later we sat down to drink our tea . She pulled my shirt sleeve up over my elbow and lifted a corner of the Band - Aid . " What happened to your arm ? " " I was riding into the village on Tuesday morning and I almost ran over this man named Jonathan . He 's an archaeologist . He put some weird powder on the cut and gave me a bandage . " " Well , this doesn 't look too bad at all . You say this happened on Tuesday ? Whatever he put on it seems to have healed it quickly . There 's hardly even a scab but I can see that you 'll have a scar . " " But Mom , they can 't build a resort here . It 's perfect the way it is and I won 't be able to go to the shore anymore if they build between our land and the sea . Can 't you do something to stop them ? " " Oh Halley , I don 't think that 's going to happen . When Mum passed she left this place to me but I haven 't decided what we 're doing long term . Besides , my going to the council wouldn 't be very effective . No one thinks of me as being from here anymore so why should I have any say in what goes on ? " " I don 't think they 'll want to cause a stir at a council meeting , especially if things have already gone this far . Besides , I don 't know how long we 'll be staying in Scotland . I just came to help out Mum when she was ill . With our work we 're always moving from place to place . " " But I don 't want to move again ! I love it here . I love the cottage and the shore and the sea and how wild everything is . I don 't want to go anywhere . I want to stay here . " " I know Halley . I know you love it here . And it is where I grew up so it does feel like home to me . We 'll see what we can do . How about if you help me get dinner started now ? " Later that evening Mom and I were in the library . I sat at Nan 's old wooden desk and started going through the drawers . Mom said it 's actually called a secretary . It has a tall cupboard in the back and an area for writing in the front . There are drawers on either side of the desk and some in the cupboard that have stamps and Nan 's old stationary . I liked looking through them . Most of the things had belonged to Nan but some were from before she was even born . " Do you know anything about that picture on the wall ? Jonathan noticed it when he was here . " " I don 't know anything about it . Mum liked old things , like you do . She probably bought it at a rummage sale . You didn 't tell me you brought Jonathan to the cottage . " " He 's not a character , Mom . I told you he 's an archaeologist . He 's looking for something that could stop the development from happening . " " Really ? Well perhaps I should meet him . I 'm sorry I called him a " character " . It 's just that I don 't know him and I 'm always a little suspicious of older men taking an interest in young girls . But he sounds like a decent person . Would you like to invite him here for dinner on the weekend ? " " That 's a good idea , Mom . I think he 'd like that . He 's staying at a guest house in the village and he 's probably tired of eating at restaurants . Can I invite him for Saturday ? " As I looked through the desk I found black and white photos of Nan when she was young and a tortoiseshell hair comb with rhinestones on it . There was a little yellowish white carved box with a lid that held a tiny spoon . Mom told me it 's an ivory snuff box which long ago women would use to inhale snuff or tobacco . I thought that sounded disgusting but I really loved the little box . It has a carving of a stork and a tiny house in the distance . She told me I could keep it . I tugged at the bottom drawer but it seemed to be stuck . " I doubt that Mrs . Fraser would know anything about it . They only lived here at the cottage for a short time . After my father died Mum decided to move back here and she had them move right into the new house . My father would have been so angry about that . He loved the new house . " " No , I 'm not . This house is full of things that have outlived their purpose . When I have some time I 'm going to start getting rid of all this old junk . " " Why can 't we just leave it the way it is ? I like it like this . It has a lot of history . You don 't always have to try to change things . It doesn 't make it better . " " My goodness , you 're sensitive tonight . Not everyone feels the same way that you do , Halley . I 'm not going to live in a blackhouse for the rest of my life . If we were to stay in Scotland we 'd definitely move into the new house . If Mr . and Mrs . Fraser stay on they could move in here . It was good enough for Mum but it 's not comfortable for three people . We 're practically on top of one another . And I 'd like to modernize things a little and buy some furniture that doesn 't look like it belongs in the 19th century . " My eyes stung with tears . I loved the cottage . I sighed and said goodnight . I 'd go ask Mrs . Fraser about the key tomorrow . If Mom was thinking about redecorating that might mean that we 'd be staying in Scotland after all . When I got up to my loft I pulled out a locked box that I keep under the bed . I had put the white feather in from when I 'd seen the mermaid and now I put in the ivory snuff box . I 've collected lots of little treasures and sometimes I like to look at them when I 'm feeling down . I have a book of poems that Nan sent to me when I was about 5 years old . We read it together here at the cottage before she got really sick . I also keep some pieces of wood that were cut from the branches of a tree I used to climb when I was small . One day I came home from school and someone had cut the tree down . I cried and cried because I loved the tree so much . Dad knew how upset I was so he cut little disks of wood for me from the branches and sanded them smooth . I like to rub them on my cheeks . They still smell like a Christmas tree . I kept the collar from our dog , Finnegan . He was a big smelly black Labrador . He ran away and got run over by a car . I guess none of the things in my box really cheer me up but I love all of them . They remind me of things that I 've lost . I closed the box and locked it then slid it back under my bed . The next morning when Mom left for the village to run errands I went to the new house and knocked on Mrs . Fraser 's door . It 's funny that we still call it new because it 's at least 40 years old . Almost everyone who lives on a croft has built a more modern house . The cottages are small but they 're so much more interesting . A year after my mother left for college my grandfather died of cancer . I had asked my Nan why she moved back into the cottage and she told me she always liked the old ways better than " all these so - called modern conveniences . " I laughed and teased her about preferring to use an outhouse but she said that having indoor plumbing was one modern convenience she could live with . When Mrs . Fraser opened the door I saw that she was wearing an apron just like my Nan 's . They must have sewn them from the same pattern . " Good morning dear . Two visits from the Irving girls in one week . What a surprise . And why aren 't you in school today , is something wrong ? " " Remember I 'm doing all of my schoolwork on the computer Mrs . Fraser . I 've been working on a project about the wildlife here along the coast . I was at the library all day yesterday working on it . Mrs . Muir had some books for me on the oystercatchers . " " Oystercatchers ? Well , we certainly have our share of those around here . Would you like to have some tea ? I 've just put the kettle on . " " Cookies ? " Mrs . Fraser looked puzzled . " Oh , you mean biscuits . Yes , I do believe I have some . Let me get them from the pantry . " I sat at her wooden table in the kitchen and looked out the window . From here you could see the moor , and beyond that the sea . Mrs . Fraser set the tea and cookies down and poured me a cup . " It 's nice to see you Halley . You 've got a look about you that reminds me of Mrs . Irving . I mean to say your Nan . I suppose you favor your mother as well but I see your grandmother 's face when I look at you , especially around the eyes . " " Thank you Mrs . Fraser . I found some pictures of her yesterday from when she was young and I guess I do look a little like her . I wish she were here to see the view today . She loved looking out to the sea . By the way , did you know that there 's a luxury resort that 's going to be built right near here ? In fact , the other morning I saw the survey flags when I was coming back up the sea path . " " Yes , of course . The Council has been working on it for some time . The village needs all the help it can get and I know some of the people are rather excited to have a place to work . " " But aren 't you upset that it will block your view ? And they 'll be tearing up the land and building giant houses on it . I wish they wouldn 't build anything here . " " No , it won 't block my view in the least . Didn 't your mother tell you that we 'll be moving into the blackhouse if you stay ? And what 's good for the village will be good for us too . I 'm too busy working to be looking out the window anyway . I 'm pleased that some of our young people will have a place to work . Perhaps they won 't feel that they have to move away and leave this place . They could stay here and be close to their families . " " I had a son , Colin . I 'm surprised your mother didn 't tell you about him . He was quite fond of Genny . He left to join the service after your mother went away to college . He didn 't make it back from Iran . " She stepped out of the kitchen and came back with a framed picture of a young man in uniform . She set it on the table between us and gazed at it for a minute . Nan had told me once that when my mother left for college they assumed she 'd come back home after she graduated , especially since my grandfather died . But then she surprised everyone by moving to the U . S . and marrying my father . She and Dad visited Scotland a few times but she never moved back home . If my grandmother hadn 't been sick we probably wouldn 't have come to Scotland . " Your Nan was a strong woman . Her heart must have been broken by first losing her daughter and then her husband . But she kept working right up until she took ill . And she was a religious woman too . She was in church every Sunday , rain or shine . " " Mrs . Fraser , she didn 't lose my mother . Mom left to go to college . She always loved Nan and Nan knew that . And if my mother hadn 't left then I never would have been born because she wouldn 't have met my father . And we have to collect the specimens on Sunday so Mom can take them back on the Monday morning flight to Edinburgh . What she 's collecting could really help people . " Mrs . Fraser disapproved of the fact that Mom and I were at the shore every Sunday morning collecting algae . The only time we 'd gone to the church since we moved here was for Nan 's funeral . I finished my cookie and got ready to go . " No one knows where that key is Halley . Your grandmother looked for it and your great - grandmother before her . That 's a mystery that must have gone to the grave with Margaret . She was your great great - grandmother , Genevieve 's mother . Genevieve was your Nan 's mother and the one that your own mother is named for . It 's funny to think of all these generations of women living in that little cottage and now you 're here to live in it too . It nearly skipped a generation when your mother left . It was nice to see you today . I didn 't mean to upset you by saying what I did about the young people who 've gone . It 's always been a struggle for families who lose their children to the wide world . And don 't worry yourself about the shore . Ah , there 's Mr . Fraser . He 'll be wanting his dinner soon . " I avoided Mr . Fraser 's eyes as I left the house . He was always scowling whenever I saw him . I pulled my jacket tighter around me and slipped sideways out the door as he was coming in . His dog barked at me from where he had chained it outside the house . I could still feel him looking at me as I walked down the path toward our cottage . I 've incorporated some suggestions that I received on Chapter One of the story and edited the previous post to reflect them . Now I 'm on to Chapter Two and introducing a second cover . Our cover designer has made several beautiful designs and I 'd love your feedback on which one is your favorite . I 'll post a new one when the next chapter is released . After Jonathan left I sat down at the desk to think for a bit . I wondered how my parents would feel if something happened to change the land here . They 're both so wrapped up in their work I 'm not sure they 'd notice . Dad 's always looking at things far away and Mom 's always looking at things too small to be seen . Sometimes they miss what 's right in front of them . It wasn 't like that with my grandmother . I miss her so much . We were with her for three months before she died . I called her Nan although her real name was Catherine . She was the kindest person I ever met . Even though she was sick she always had time for me and loved to read to me . As she got weaker I would read to her too . We read poems and all the classics for children ; Heidi , Anne of Green Gables , the Chronicles of Narnia . I imagined what it would be like to live in those places long ago but of course I wouldn 't have had as much freedom as I do now , especially being a girl . Nan loved this place even more than I do . What would she have done in this situation ? I know she 'd try to stop the construction . Mom and Dad will probably listen with that somewhat distracted look they often have and shake their heads and say something not very helpful like " That 's progress for you . " I don 't want progress . I want everything to be just as it 's always been . And if I could have told Nan about the mermaid I know she would have believed me . She may have even seen a mermaid herself after living here for her whole life . If I told my parents or Jonathan that I 'd seen a mermaid they 'd think I 'd imagined it . I wasn 't sure how I felt about Jonathan . He was interesting to talk with and it was nice to have someone listen to me and not treat me like a kid , but I didn 't know if I could trust him yet . I realized it was too late to go into the village so I decided to look through some of the books at the cottage . Most of the books were about the local birds and plants . There were a couple of books on the history of Scotland and the British Isles and even a handwritten album of the genealogy of some of our ancestors . My elbow was throbbing as I started looking through the shelves . But it was a strange tingly sort of pain , almost as if the skin were being knit back together . I picked up a book and started leafing through it . It had a brown leather cover and the title read in faded gold The History of Ancient Scotland . I expected it to smell musty but it actually had an odd smell when I opened it . Like the Thanksgiving turkey dressing that my Nan had made . What was the herb that she had used … rosemary ? No … was it thyme ? No , that smelled more like pencils being sharpened . Oh yes , from the song ; parsley , sage , rosemary , and thyme . It was sage . How odd for a book to smell like sage . There were chapters about the groups that Jonathan had mentioned ; the Beaker People and the Picts , Pagans , the Gaels , even early Romans and Christians . As I turned the pages I occasionally came across small line drawings . The illustrations showed how people might have performed ceremonies and prepared their food . There was a picture of some people standing among a circle of stones wearing what looked like animal skins . And then I found a picture that made me freeze . It was of some of the people wearing animal skins standing on the rocks by the sea and climbing out of the sea was a woman with long hair . And guess what , her feet were webbed . I realized I had stopped breathing again and now I took a deep inhale . Webbed feet . So was this real or was it fiction ? I looked more closely at the drawing and in the distance I saw some rocks and cliffs that looked like the ones near the sea cave that I explored with my dad . We had gone there in Dad 's canoe . He let me swim even though it was like being surrounded by tiny icicles when I dove in . I swam for a few minutes until I began to feel numb . When I got out my skin turned tingly and electric as my blood warmed me . I felt my heart beating all through my body . I shook my head to bring myself back to the present and looked down at the drawing again . I wondered what Jonathan would have to say about this book and the pictures in it . Do archaeologists believe what they see in pictures or would he assume it was a myth ? He didn 't know about my feet . There was no reason to have told him or shown him . It 's something I usually avoid because it leads to too many questions and the only answer I have is that I was born this way . I heard the clock chime and realized it was nearly 5 : 00 . I 'd been daydreaming again and Dad would be home soon . Mom prepares meals for us to heat up every week before she goes to Edinburgh . I usually make a salad or a vegetable to go with our dinner and I like to have it ready for Dad when he arrives . It makes me feel like I 'm almost grown up . Dad and I get along really well . We have the same silly sense of humor and we both have brownish blond hair and a gap between our front teeth . When I was younger the dentist mentioned that I should get braces but I like that it makes me look like Dad . We can shoot water out from between our teeth which is a lot of fun when we 're swimming . He has really nice brown eyes that have smile lines around them . He said it 's because he 's always squinting into a telescope . My eyes are the same color as my mom 's and my grandmother 's . They 're kind of grey and stormy looking . Mom had frozen enough casseroles for three days . She made shepherd 's pie with ground beef and mashed potatoes , a tuna casserole with noodles which looks disgusting but actually tastes pretty good , and lasagna with meatballs and tomato sauce . She cooks on Sundays before she gets ready to leave . I could make our meals myself but she said Dad and I would just eat sandwiches and cookies while she 's gone . I took my Nan 's old apron off the hook in the kitchen and slipped it over my head and tied it in the back . I don 't really need to wear an apron to make a salad but it reminds me of her . It 's so soft and worn that you can almost see through it . She used to keep things in the pockets like safety pins , sometimes a butterscotch candy or a caramel and always a few tissues . I had already put the lasagna in the refrigerator to thaw this morning so now I put it in the oven . I was just getting the vegetables out for the salad when I heard Dad 's car in the drive . The screen door to the kitchen swung open and he came in and hung up his jacket . Dad brought our drinks to the table . I like it when he pours my soda in a wine glass and I pretend I 'm drinking champagne . We 're both a little silly like that , especially when Mom isn 't here . As we settled in to eat Dad asked me in his best imitation of an English upper class accent " And how is everything proceeding at the Irving - Armstrong Estate today Lady Halley ? " " Well , I saw a sign near the shore that there 's going to be some kind of luxury nature resort built here . And there are already those little orange survey flags all over . Did you know about it ? " " Mm hmm , " he said , chewing thoughtfully . " I did hear something but I thought it was further north of here . That would be a shame . I know how much you like to go to the shore . " " Dad , it wouldn 't just be a shame . It would be a tragedy ! It will ruin the view and scare away the birds and destroy the environment . And I won 't be able to walk on the sea path anymore and I might not be able to swim from the beach . " Well Halley , I don 't know if it really constitutes a tragedy but I can tell that you 're upset by it . Let me look into it a little . Maybe we could go to a council meeting and find out what 's going on . " " There 's always a chance that a decision could be reversed . Their job is to represent everyone and weigh the pros and cons . That 's what government is supposed to do anyhow . " " You 're most welcome Lady Halley " , Dad replied , resuming his upper class British accent . " May I serve you another ginger ale and offer some of our fine chocolate chip cookies for dessert ? And where is that maid ? She never comes to clean up after us . " In my last post ( in February ! ) I explored the idea of being on a path that wasn 't right for me . Since that time I 've been exploring other paths and the one that seems to be the best fit for me at the moment is writing . As much as I enjoyed writing blog posts when I first began , I 've found that I enjoy writing fiction even more ! I 've been working with my writing partner in England and for the past 9 months we 've been working on a fantasy novel for young readers . It 's begun to feel as if the story is " finished " and we 're getting ready to self - publish on Kindle Direct Publishing . Creativity is the subject of one of my favorite new books : Elizabeth Gilbert 's Big Magic . The subtitle " Creative Living Beyond Fear " has helped inspire me to share my story . Because it is scary to put yourself out into the world through your work , through what makes you feel joyful and alive , and through sharing your vulnerability . The question she poses in the first chapter is this " Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you ? " As an experiment I 'm posting the first chapter of the story " Halley and the Mermaid " here . I 'm sure there 's a way to post it as a link that can be opened separately but I don 't know how to do that . And I 'm worried that if I don 't just do it I 'll let my fear overcome me and will never post it ! So , here goes . Feel free to share this with any young readers you may know , particularly girls in the 9 - 14 year old range . It 's still in draft format so if anyone has any constructive criticism they would like to share I 'm open ! My name is Halley . Yes , like the comet , and before you start laughing let me tell you that it could have been worse . My dad is an astronomer and he 's the one who chose my name . My mom is a microbiologist and if she named me I could be called something really crazy like Protozoa . So I 'm named after a comet that won 't be seen from Earth again for another 47 years . I 'll be nearly sixty years old by then and right now that seems like forever away . This morning was the first time I 've been able to go out for a walk for days . It 's been raining for a week but the mist had finally stopped and a breeze was blowing away the clouds . I put on my rain coat and boots just in case the weather changed again and took the path to the shore . I smelled fresh dark earth smell mingling with the scent of salt and seaweed . The sun was breaking through a solid patch of grey when I looked up and saw a full circle of light like a rainbow cast over the sea . I reached for my phone to take a picture but then remembered that I 'd left it at home . I can 't get a signal at the shore . The rainbow was amazing . I stood there and watched until it faded and then I continued along the path toward the rocks . Looking down I saw a white gannet feather on the sand . I picked it up and smoothed it between my fingertips until the barbs were all connected again and tucked it in my shirt pocket . Whenever I see a feather I think of it as a message from my grandmother . Before she died we talked about what happens after you leave your body and she told me that if there was a way for her to communicate with me she would send a white feather . I wondered what she was trying to tell me now . As I came closer I looked out to sea and it was a beautiful color . Not the usual grey . There seemed to be an aqua light shimmering just under the surface . Then I saw something moving through the waves . At first I thought it was a seal because I 've seen them here before , then I realized it was a person , a woman actually . She had long brown hair that looked almost like there was seaweed in it . The waves splashed over her head but she didn 't seem to mind . She seemed to smile at me before ducking back under the water and disappearing . I turned to see if anyone else had seen her but I was alone . Usually I 'm the only one who will go in the ocean here because it 's really cold , even in the summer . I stood waiting for her to surface . I can hold my breath for a pretty long time so I wasn 't worried at first . But she didn 't come up and I started to feel like something bad must have happened to her . Maybe she was trying to get my attention because she needed help . I hopped on one foot as I took off one boot and then the other and stripped off my jeans . Even though I didn 't know where she was under the waves I couldn 't just stand there helplessly . I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it behind me on the sand as I started to wade into the water . The water splashed up to my chest and I dived under to see if I could spot her . Would I be able to save someone from drowning ? What if she had already drowned ? It seemed like at least five minutes had passed and she hadn 't come to the surface yet . I kept diving under and searching but I didn 't see anything . There was no way she was holding her breath for that long . I took another deep breath and went under again . I felt my heart pounding in my throat and I wanted to scream even though there was no one to hear me . Just then I heard a splash like a hand slapping the water and there she was with her head back out of the water . I called out " I 'm coming to help you , stay right there ! " She looked directly at me this time and her eyes were an amazing color of green . For a moment I felt like I recognized her from somewhere . I started to swim toward her and then she dived back under the water and her feet kicked up into the air . Her feet looked different . They looked like mine . My heart continued to pound as I waded out of the water . I climbed up on one of the big black rocks that are scattered around the beach and the shore . I kept looking out to sea for her but she seemed to have disappeared . I waited to see if she would come back . Finally I climbed back down from the rock and used my flannel shirt to dry off my arms and legs . I slipped my t - shirt back over my head . I shivered in the cool air and tugged my jeans over my damp legs then spread my rain slicker on the sand so I could sit down . I looked at my feet . When I said the woman 's feet looked different I know I didn 't really explain what I meant . Her feet were webbed . And mine are webbed too . No one knows why my feet are like this . Mom said I was born this way and it 's not a big deal . I looked online and most people who say they have webbed toes just have regular skin between the big toe and the one next to it . Mine look more like a water creature 's feet . It 's probably genetic but if one of my ancestors had something similar they must have kept it hidden . I kind of like looking at my feet , especially in the water . I like to spread my toes and see the light coming through the skin . There are small blue veins that look like little rivers on a map . When I was younger I pretended that it was because I had a mermaid as a relative . Now I 've seen someone who really could be a mermaid . If I told my mother or father they 'd probably just laugh and say I 'd imagined it . But I know she was real . I stayed at the shore for about an hour , wondering if she would come back . I thought about going in the water again but I 'm really not supposed to go swim alone . I love to swim . When I was a baby I used to slip under the water in my bath and it scared my mother until she realized that I knew to hold my breath and I always came up smiling . The water holds me and carries me . When I stay calm I can almost hear it speaking to me . It 's like it 's singing sometimes and it 's so beautiful but I haven 't quite figured out what it 's saying . Maybe the mermaid knows . Finally when I realized she wasn 't coming back I stood up and brushed the damp sand off my feet . I slipped my boots back on , tucked the white feather behind my ear and started walking toward home . We live on an island off the coast of Scotland in the Outer Hebrides . We came here a little less than a year ago from the U . S . to live with my grandmother when she was sick . She passed away in January and for now we 're staying in her cottage . Even though I miss her so much I love living here . It reminds me of her and of the time we spent together before she got sick . It 's often cold and windy here and storms whip up out of nowhere . There are giant boulders and slippery kelp and corals that look like fingers and the ocean smashes against the rocks so hard that spray shoots into the air . It 's beautiful and wild and I love this place more than anyplace else on earth . Walking back along the path I heard the distant sound of a car engine starting and then Mr . Fraser 's sheepdog barking . He was probably snapping at the tires and trying to catch the car . Mr . Fraser and his wife live on the same property that we do . It 's on a patch of land called a croft . The Frasers live in a more modern house and he takes care of the sheep and Mrs . Fraser spins wool to make yarn . Our cottage is called a blackhouse and it 's made of stones and has a roof made of thatch and turf . It looks like it grew right out of the ground . Scotland is a good location for both of my parents ' work . There 's not much light pollution so Dad can see the stars . My mother is researching a type of algae that may have medicinal properties . It grows here near the seashore and she needs to collect it every week while it 's still fresh . She travels by airplane almost every week to the University of Edinburgh to take her latest specimens to the lab . She usually comes back on Thursday afternoon . I really wanted to tell someone about the mermaid but I didn 't think anyone would believe me . I decided to keep her to myself . That night I dreamed about the mermaid and she was the first thing I thought of when I woke up the next day . I got dressed and headed back to the shore . Waling along the sea path toward the ocean I noticed something that I hadn 't seen yesterday . It was small and orange and waving in the breeze . I bent over it and saw that it was a tiny rectangular flag on a thin metal rod stuck in the ground . I saw more little orange flags in the distance . Then I noticed a sign . How could I have missed it ? It was facing the other direction and I ran toward it . It was a big white sign with wooden stakes that were driven into the ground . " Caislin Cliffs - resort and luxury apartments for nature lovers - coming soon ! " Someone had actually torn up pieces of peat to put this stupid sign in the ground . I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach . Luxury apartments aren 't for nature lovers . They 're for people who don 't even like to get their feet wet . This shore has always been deserted . It 's too isolated to be of any use to anyone . It 's a wild and empty place and it has to stay this way . What was I supposed to do ? I turned and ran back home . When I got to the cottage I grabbed my bicycle to ride to the village library . I 'm friends with the librarian and she 'd be able to tell me what was going on with the construction sign . I started pedaling as fast as I could but my mind was racing ahead of me . How soon were they going to start building ? What if there was no way to stop it ? The flags were on both sides of the sea path . Did that mean they were going to build right over it and up to the sea ? How would I be able to get to the sea if there was a big resort between our cottage and the shore ? And the construction noise would scare the mermaid away . How would I ever see her again ? I was so upset I didn 't see the old man until I was nearly on top of him . He shouted out to me and I swerved to avoid him . I hit a rock and lost control of my bicycle . I tipped over the handlebars and sat stunned on the ground for a moment before I realized I 'd cut my elbow pretty badly . My shirt was torn and was already turning red from the blood that was seeping out . The old man held out his hand to help me up . I felt curiously calm as he pulled up the sleeve of my shirt . There was a small sharp rock embedded in my skin and he gently plucked it out with his fingers . He peered closely at the cut and said " I don 't think you 'll need stitches but let 's put a bit of medicine on it and cover it . Wash it with soap and water once you get home . " He removed a small green cloth bag from an old leather briefcase that he was carrying and pulled out what looked like a dried mushroom . He squeezed the mushroom over my cut and it was soft like a marshmallow . A light brown powder emerged and covered the cut . For a moment I wondered how safe I was and I started to pull away but by then he was putting a regular Band - Aid on my elbow . " No , far from it . I 'm an archaeologist and I 'm looking for ruins and artifacts . I believe that there may something significant in this area that was left behind by an ancient culture . The construction firm had one of their own archaeologists do a survey and he found nothing , but I want to take a look around . " I looked at Jonathan once more . I felt confused about whether or not I should trust him . He looked directly at me and I noticed his eyes were an odd shade of light blue , almost like a Siberian Husky . I hesitated a moment and then said " Well , maybe I can help you . Do you want to come to my house for some tea and we can talk a little more about it ? " As we got closer to the cottage I asked Jonathan what he was doing walking way out here . He told me he 'd left his rental car at the end of the paved road when he saw the private road for our land . He knew the resort was supposed to be built near the shore and he 'd started walking on the dirt path when I 'd nearly run him down . He told me he was staying in the village in a guest house . Jonathan was a small sandy haired man in a sport coat , tie and checkered shirt . He spoke as if he were used to being listened to and I wondered if maybe he was a teacher or a college professor . In the U . S . I never would have invited a stranger home with me but it 's different here . He 's actually from England which explains why I 'd never seen him before . He told me he 's been searching for ancient sites around the U . K . and trying to prevent them from being developed . " Many people have lived in this area over the past several thousand years " Jonathan said . " We 're still discovering civilizations . We 've had Beaker people and Picts who built some of the early stone circles like Stonehenge and left smaller carved stones that you still see in some of the fields . There 's even evidence of an ancient Gaelic culture that worshiped Goddesses . I haven 't found any of their sites but I believe there may be some in the Scottish Isles . " My father is studying the standing stones at Callanish . " I told him . " He 's an astronomer and said that the stones are related to how the sun and moon move through the sky . He told me there 's some big event with the moon that takes place every 18 years and it 's due to happen later this summer . " As we walked into the cottage through the kitchen I invited Jonathan to sit in the library . It has a desk and shelves full of old books that have been here for generations . I cleaned my elbow and then I made some tea . As I came in with the cups he pointed to an old painting that was hanging on the wall above the desk . " That 's lovely . Do you know where it 's from ? " " Well , Halley this was a delightful way to spend an hour of my day . I trust that your elbow will heal quickly . " He handed me a card for the Tower Guest House . " This is where I 'm staying in the village . Each summer I choose a different island to explore and I 'll be here for the next two months . I hope to see you again sometime soon . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
' Not so much odd as a sense of completion , like that part of my work on earth is done . I 'm glad that Suzannah and Johnny and the little ones are living with us though . It reminds me there 's still plenty for me to do . We have eleven grandchildren now , can you believe it ? Tis wonderful for Hamlet . Gives him a good excuse to sit a while instead of working flat out . With a child on his knee he feels very useful . ' ' Yes , I do know that feeling . I 'm so looking forward now to going back to Forbes to see Rebecca 's little ones . It 's hard when they 're not close by . ' ' It sounds like there 's likely to be more little ones out there soon . ' ' True . Once she and Nels are married in November , I 've no doubt there will be more . Who 'd have thought a few years back that Rebecca would be writing to me and telling me she wants me to come and help her prepare for a wedding ? I 'm very excited and so is Mary . She 's insisting on coming with me this time . Bob Atkins said he 'll find someone to fill in and her job will be there when we come back . She 's a great little worker . ' ' Not so little , sure she 's not . ' Kathryn frowned . ' She 's twenty - two and should be looking to be married herself . Hasn 't there been anyone wanting to court her ? ' ' Not a sign of one . I think she meets plenty of young men at the Inn , but apparently not the right one . And I 'm just as pleased . I don 't want her making the mistakes I did … and Rebecca did . I think she 's learned from us . At the moment , she 's chuffed enough being an aunt . ' ' Rebecca is going to be happy , isn 't she ? She is making a good choice now ? ' ' I think so . ' Norah nodded . ' Since she got the news that the children 's father is really dead , she 's more relaxed . It 's awful to say but they 're all better off without the fear of him turning up again . ' ' She wants to have a wedding with all the trimmings , ' Norah continued without acknowledging Kathryn 's remark . ' As much to show the people of Forbes that she 's going to be respectable as anything else , I 'm guessing . She 's determined to live down her reputation . Even started going to church with Nels . I do pray that she 'll find her peace with God and have the support I 've had from our church . That 's my hope for her now . ' As the small party spilled out of St John 's church they were met with a blast of hot air . Norah blinked as her eyes adjusted to the glare and her hand went up to stop her bonnet from being blown from her head . Her full skirt clung to her legs as the wind pushed against her . It was a hot , gusty November day , not unusual for summers in Forbes , the locals said . Their greatest fear was that a fire would sweep across the farmlands , wiping them all out , for there was nothing that would stop a blaze in the tinder dry conditions . There had been no rain to speak of for more months than they cared to count . Norah knew that Rebecca 's life out here would not be easy , not as a farmer 's wife and not as a resident of Forbes . Even now , as she looked across the street , there was a huddle of local women , their interest in the wedding anything but friendly . She could see the disapproval on their faces . ' A woman with five children out of wedlock having the audacity to marry in the church , ' she could imagine them clucking . ' And her in a long cream dress , no less , with a veil and flowers clutched to her waist , parading like a real bride , making a mockery of the decorum with which decent women conduct their lives . ' Norah had overheard such comments around the town as she had bought ribbons and lace for Rebecca 's dress , and searched for the brush and comb set she had eventually settled on to give her as a wedding gift . She was well aware of what the women of this town thought about her daughter and others like her , who they considered had brought upon themselves misery and no end of criticism by their own choices and actions . But that was passed now and Norah prayed that at least some of the people here would give Rebecca a second chance , for surely it was the Christian thing to do . Most of these women , no doubt , paraded into church each Sunday , professing themselves to be godly women . Well , here was a test for them , Norah thought . Could they forgive someone who had offended their sensibilities , who needed Christian charity and was sincerely trying to change to be a better person ? Time would tell . She prayed Rebecca would have the courage and confidence to live out the plans she and Nels had made , with or without the approval of these sharp beaked biddies who were still whispering and twittering across the street . Nels helped Rebecca climb into their cart . He smiled up at her admiringly as her lustrous curls fluttered around her face . Her cheeks were rosy with health and her eyes glowing with happiness . He proudly ushered her five children in behind her before he climbed up beside his new wife . Norah followed with Mary , William and Theresa in a second cart which had been loaned to them by one of the church families . A few of Nels ' friends from the church and the local area waved and whistled as the carts headed down the main street , one of the young women catching the bouquet of flowers that Rebecca threw ceremoniously as she passed the small group of onlookers . Then she turned to the pinched - faced huddle on the other side of the street and waved , laughing over the clatter of the string of tin cans that had been tied to the back of their cart . The women pulled back , their mouths pursing , their hands grabbing at their shopping baskets as if they were afraid of being assaulted . Or perhaps afraid they had been caught in the act of unchristian gossip , Norah thought , smiling at the courage of her daughter . Perhaps she would survive here just fine . As the family settled back into their chairs and cushions on the floor , their stomachs bulging from the spread that Norah had prepared before the ceremony , Norah glanced around the cottage that Nels had lovingly built for Rebecca . He had lived in little more than a tent when he arrived , using strips of bark and rough planks to protect himself from the worst of the weather and the animals that foraged for food wherever their noses led them . But gradually , he gathered the stones and wood , and bought the other materials needed to build what was a comfortable and cosy cottage for his bride and the five children to whom he would now become father . It was quite an undertaking , Norah acknowledged to herself , one that gave her confidence that Nels would take good care of her daughter and her grandchildren . He was young and strong and obviously totally in love with Rebecca , who sat in one of the two large soft armchairs that Nels had brought home last week , insisting they would be kept for he and his wife to rest in at the end of the day . They would discuss their plans and their problems from these chairs , he had said proudly . They would warm themselves by the large fire in the corner , drink tea and remind each other how fortunate they were and what a fine life they would build . He had said all this in the short speech that he made earlier , having carried Rebecca across the threshold of the cottage as Mrs Glander for the first time . The children had all clapped , delighted to see their mother so happy and in awe of the room which would be theirs to sleep in . It was the first time that they had been in a house with a plank floor , having always lived on packed dirt . They kept tapping their boots on the boards , amused by the noise they could make as they walked across the room . Even having boots was a novelty , for they had spent most of their childhood barefooted . They had gradually spread themselves more spaciously around the table as they had eaten dinner , surprised to find that the long benches on either side of the wooden ' Perhaps , ' Rebecca mused . ' I always thought Tom was a clever boy . Not that I ever let him know that . ' She grinned sheepishly . ' But he was very bossy and … I guess I was jealous of him . It 's hard for me to see my Thomas like that . He certainly rounds the other children up here and makes them help , but he 's not smart like Tom . He can 't read or anything . ' She shook her head . ' There are no schools out this way and I 'd hardly be able to take him into Forbes . We 'd be thrown out , for sure . ' ' Then you don 't know how smart he is , do you ? Tis just a chance he needs , sure it is . Like the rest of them . They need to be learning , Rebecca . ' ' Why ? ' Rebecca bristled a little . ' They 'll probably just go onto the land , like most other boys around here . It 's more important they learn to ride a horse than read a book . ' ' No , tis not , ' Norah insisted . ' They may not want to be farmers . They may want to travel to the big towns and work there . They might want to be teachers or doctors . ' ' Ma . ' Rebecca chortled . ' You always did have such notions . I 'll be happy if they get alongside Nels and help him with this farm . He has plans to grow wheat and get some more cattle . He 'll need all the children to help . ' ' I was just telling Rebecca how important it is for young children to learn to read and write , ' Norah explained , yawning . It had been a long day and she was ready for sleep . It had been a wonderful time here helping Rebecca prepare for her marriage , but now she was looking forward to getting back to her own room in Wiseman 's Creek . It was time for this little family of her daughter 's to get on with their own lives . ' I agree , Ma , ' Mary said quietly , sitting on the chair beside her mother . ' That 's why I 've decided to stay here . ' She smiled innocently , as if it had been something everyone was prepared for . ' Nels and I have been discussing it , ' Mary said . ' I said I 'd like to stay and help with the children . Rebecca could do with another pair of hands and I could teach the children to read and write as well . ' It seemed a simple and obvious solution to Mary . ' What do you think , Rebecca ? We never did have much time together as sisters and I think I could help you a lot . ' ' Why , it would be wonderful . ' Rebecca sat up , her face breaking into a wide smile . ' I 'd love it . Yes , I think it 's a grand idea . ' Norah sat back . Her first thought was that she was to lose another daughter . But then she turned to Rebecca and saw the look of gratitude on her face . Rebecca was overwhelmed , clearly not thinking that she deserved such grace from her sister . Yes , it would be good for her , not only to have help with the children but to receive the love and acceptance her sister was showing and to know that she was worthy of it , no matter how much she had held her family at bay these past years . It would be a new chapter in her daughters ' lives . A good chapter . ' Well . ' Norah sighed , satisfied . ' That 's decided then . ' ' Gwandma , Gwandma . ' Young Catherine ran to the door to welcome her grandmother home from Forbes . Norah dropped to her knees to receive the five - year - old 's hug . ' Tis so good to see you , my sweet . My , I think you 've grown while I 've been away . ' Norah followed the little girl to a chair in the parlour and dropped into it gratefully before carefully examining and marvelling over the drawings her granddaughter produced . Within minutes , Elizabeth appeared with a pot of tea on a tray . Marianne was walking slowly behind her mother , her eyes trained on the small plate of biscuits she was carrying . Norah grinned as she watched little Rebecca , now fifteen months old , pull herself up on the arm of the chair and reach for a biscuit the minute her sister had laid them down on the small table . ' So , do you think this one will look like her namesake , Ma ? ' Tom said after hearing how beautiful his sister had looked at her wedding . He drew his youngest daughter onto his knee . ' She doesn 't have your sister 's dark curls , does she ? ' Norah smiled at the infant 's pale brown hair . ' Not Gwandma 's , ' Catherine piped in authoritatively . ' Gwandma 's hair is grey … isn 't it , Gwandma ? ' The little girl turned to Norah , looking for agreement . ' It is now , my darling , so it is . ' Norah pushed her fingers through her still thick hair . ' But once it was red just like yours . ' ' Well , your daddy 's hair is more like his … Pa 's . ' Norah faltered . She noticed Tom tense . ' It seems the time is coming when there 'll be difficult questions to answer , ' she said quietly across the child 's head . ' Hmm , ' Tom murmured . ' Now , Catherine , did you show Grandma all those beautiful pictures you drew ? ' ' Me too , ' Marianne attempted to push her older sister aside and nestle into her grandmother 's knee . The interruption distracted Catherine from her question and she focussed on competing with her younger sister for their grandmother 's attention . Elizabeth chucked Rebecca under the chin and smiled warmly at her mother - in - law . ' I just hope this little one gives us as much pleasure as her name sake is now giving you . It must have been a wonderful day for you to see Rebecca happily married . ' Between biscuits and more cups of tea , Tom and Elizabeth listened to Theresa 's and William 's stories of their time in Forbes , the gestures of the two older children keeping the little ones amply entertained throughout . When the chatter slowed , Tom suggested they go out the back and have a play before dinner , and then he turned to his mother . ' Have you decided what you 're going to do with that jewellery from the box , Ma ? ' ' Oh , that again . I 'd like to take it to the police and hand it in . Tis stolen property , after all . But that would surely spell more trouble for your father . I 'm not wanting to do that , even though I know he deserves it . I couldn 't possibly benefit from it , though , Tom . All those years I tried to get him to change his ways … perhaps I didn 't try hard enough . But now I couldn 't bring myself to use things he stole from other people . I still have trouble thinking about the gold we found in his coat being used to fix up this house . It just doesn 't seem right . ' ' I understand , Ma , but how could I possibly find out who really owned that . I wouldn 't know which of the men after Pa were robbers themselves and which had really dug for those nuggets . It 's even harder to imagine how the jewellery in that box could ever be returned to the people it belongs to . It would be impossible after all this time for even the police to establish that . And what difference would it make if they went after Pa for it ? He could be charged with so many thefts . Sooner or later , something will catch up with him . Or he 'll completely lose his mind and have to be locked up anyway . ' ' It 's a sad end , Tom . ' ' But hardly surprising , Ma . In the end you won 't be able to prevent him having to face the consequences of his life … in this world , or the next . ' ' I think Hamlet 's right . Pa 's children might well do with getting something from their father 's life . Not me , of course . I 've all I need . But what about Theresa ? Or Mary … now that she 's embarking on a new life out there at Forbes ? Or Rebecca ? She and Nels might like a bit of help . Joseph and Mick can work for what they need . They don 't deserve to benefit from his thieving . Not after they aided Pa in some of his later escapades . And William , well I suspect he 'd rather earn his own way as well . ' ' Oh , Ma , don 't put it like that . I just thought perhaps they could do with some help . But on second thought , I guess their husbands would prefer to support them by other means . Of course we don 't know when Mary or Theresa will have husbands , do we ? ' ' Mary could meet someone any time now , but it 's a long way off for Theresa , seeing as she 's only ten . She actually found the jewellery just before we went to Forbes and was parading around in one of the necklaces as if she was a queen with the crown jewels . She 's not had too many pretty things . But I still don 't want her wearing something her father stole from some poor woman . ' ' It 's up to you , Ma . But it won 't do to leave it around the house too long . As you see , Theresa found it . We can 't hide it forever . What did you tell her about it ? ' ' The truth . I couldn 't lie to her . She seemed hardly affected at all . Tis the only kind of thing she 's heard about her father all her life , sadly enough . ' ' Well , I hope she doesn 't say anything to Joseph . I didn 't tell him what was in the box besides the brooch and I don 't think he needs to know . He does seem to have settled down but I 'd not want to tempt him too much . And I certainly don 't want Mick finding out about it . Goodness knows what he 'd do . ' ' Do you think you 'll be able to put the past behind you now , Tom ? ' ' What do you mean ? ' ' I mean will you be able to let go of your anger with your father and your brother ? ' ' I 'm trying to put it behind me , Ma . But forgive is a pretty strong word . I don 't believe my father deserves forgiveness . ' ' Perhaps , but then , who of us really does ? We all do wrong one way or another . ' ' Most of our wrongs hardly compare to Pa 's . ' Tom shook his head . ' He 's followed every wrong path he could find since he was a young boy , don 't you think ? And Mick may not be much different , I 'm afraid . ' ' Now , Tom , please don 't have Mick judged so harshly before he 's even a man . We don 't know that he won 't turn his life around , as Joseph has done . We must hold out hope for him . ' Her voice wavered as she thought about Mick . ' But even as far as your father 's concerned , ultimately tis not up to us to judge him . That 's a job for God alone . Ours ' is to forgive … for our own sakes , if not for his . ' ' I don 't know how you can think like that , Ma … after all he put you through . ' Norah could hear the hardness in her son 's voice . ' He put all of us through a great deal , Tom . And I 'd never say it wasn 't wrong of him . He 's caused a lot of heartache and provided little of what I 'd hoped for from a husband and father . But to harbour resentment would only bring us further heartache and trouble . We must let it go if we 're to have a happy future . Heaven knows , he needs our prayers more than anyone . He 's a scoundrel but he was spoiled early . Only God can help him . ' ' We can 't always wait for a person to change before we forgive , Tom . ' Norah sighed deeply , feeling the years of pain . ' I 'm sorry for the past . But I want us to be free to enjoy the future . ' Tom pushed his hair from his forehead and took a deep breath . ' Well , let 's just concentrate on the wonderful things ahead , then , eh ? Lizzie and I have some news . We 're pretty sure , aren 't we , sweetheart ? ' He turned and smiled warmly at Elizabeth . ' Looks like we 'll be having another child next year . This time I 'm praying for a son … for Lizzie 's sake . ' He squeezed her hand and her face lit up . ' Do you think God might grant her that ? ' ' I wouldn 't be surprised , Tom . He 's very gracious . ' ' Oh , oh , they 're back . ' Elizabeth laughed as Rebecca bounced gleefully at the sight of her sisters coming back into the room . ' That 's her brooch , ' Catherine exclaimed , as if it should be perfectly obvious . ' With her picture on it . See ? ' She moved close enough to her mother to point at the brooch which was pinned to the top of her blouse . ' Of course it 's hard to understand , my sweet . ' Norah drew the little girl back into her arms and kissed her lightly on the cheek . ' It 's hard to imagine people from such a long time ago , isn 't it ? But one day I 'll tell you all about your great grandmother Pollard . She was a very special lady and that brooch is a precious treasure . One day you 'll understand , I promise . ' You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and you feel the power to wish them well . Lewis B . Smedes ' First things first . I 've never felt so grimy in my life . Tis a desert out there , so it is , ' she said as she headed for the outhouse . Tom heard her ask William to get the kerosene boiler going so she could have some hot water . Later , with a steaming cup of tea in her hands , her face gleaming from the scrubbing that she had given it , her fresh clothes neat and tidy , she sat at the kitchen table . ' I 'm sorry to keep you all in suspense . You know if it had been bad news , I 'd not have kept you waiting . ' She laughed and Tom could see that his mother was happier than she 'd been in years . ' Rebecca 's doing well . At least she will be . I think we 'll be hearing that she 's getting married before too long . ' ' She does . Five of them . ' Norah paused while Elizabeth gasped and then told them about Rebecca 's years at Wowingong . ' It 's been awful for her but I think she 's really learned from it . She 's different , softer . I didn 't think so when I first arrived but she was hurt because she thought I 'd let her down . Once we sorted that out , we got along really well . God really answered my prayers . ' Norah smiled and her face lit up , the tiredness seeming to drop away . ' I had to go back to the old man in the post office and tell him what a lovely reunion we 'd had for he was worried he 'd sent me on a very sad mission . ' ' I don 't know how you did it , Ma . ' Tom shook his head . He was full of admiration for his mother . ' The best part is I met Nels , ' she continued . ' He came to the house - shack actually - it made our old place here look like a palace . No front door so the mosquitoes came out of the salt bush at night and swarmed into the place and there were fleas in the mattresses , a plague I 'd say . The older children were healthy enough because they 'd been eating raw vegetables out of the garden but the little ones were on the verge of scurvy , and Rebecca as well . Hopefully , we sorted out what she needs to do about all that and I think the children will keep her to it . They 've a lot of spunk . She called the eldest Thomas and my word , he 's a lot like you , son . ' She paused and patted Tom 's hand fondly . ' And her daughter , Mabel , well she 's the spitting image of her mother , in looks and attitude , so Rebecca will get a good taste of what that 's like . But I believe they 'll make it now . It was the good Lord 's providence that I found her . It meant a lot to her that I went . ' ' He came to visit the day after I got there . He 's a very caring young man and I believe just what Rebecca needs . He 's quite determined to marry her . She 's a little wary but I think she 'll come around . She knows she needs someone solid and reliable in her life . She ought to have learned that from her experience with her father but tis sad how often we repeat history . ' ' She 's not coming back then ? ' Elizabeth said . ' I doubt it . She says she 's made a mess out there and she needs to work it out there . She 'll have a lot of criticism to face if she starts going into Forbes . She 'll probably never get in good with some of the locals but Nels doesn 't care . He 's had to face that himself just because he 's a foreigner in their eyes … although heaven knows we 're all foreigners , aren 't we ? ' ' Sounds to me like she 's done some growing up , ' Tom nodded . He was glad for his sister , and really happy for his mother . ' We have some news too , Ma , ' he grinned wryly . ' Very good , ' he began . ' But you have to wait ' til tomorrow , ' Elizabeth said quickly . ' Ma wants to be here when we tell you . ' ' Harriet then ? Or one of your brothers , Elizabeth ? Someone must be having a baby . ' Norah persisted . ' We 've not heard if any of them are having another baby yet . ' Elizabeth laughed . ' Well , it must be Annie then . Is she getting married to one of those Quinn boys ? She 's always over there from what Kathryn says , and she 's convinced it 's not only to play aunt to Isabel 's little ones . ' Norah thought for a moment . Her eyes lit up . ' It 's Joseph , isn 't it ? He 's going to work with you , isn 't he ? ' Then she stopped and thought again . ' But why would Kathryn need to be here to hear that ? ' Tom and Elizabeth both shook their heads and laughed loudly . ' You 'll just have to wait and see . It 's only one night . You 've had to wait a lot longer for most of your good news over the years . Now , who 's for another cup of tea ? ' Elizabeth clapped her hands together gleefully . ' Dear God , have mercy , ' Norah gasped when Kathryn had finished . ' I 'm so ashamed . I 'm so sorry . Tom , I thought you said it was good news . ' ' I 'm shocked , ' she said at last . ' I 'm so sad to think what your father stole from Hamlet . Poor man . No wonder it 's been so hard for him all these years . And you , Kathryn , why did you not tell me ? How could you bear to have me in your life … after what my husband did ? ' ' You were my dearest friend , Norah . I knew you had no knowledge of what Michael had done and I wasn 't going to let it come between us . And I knew if I told you , it would be that much harder for you to deal with Michael . Hamlet and I agreed it was best not to say anything . We had no hope of getting the brooch back … until Tom found out about it . He 's been wonderful . We 're so grateful . ' ' So God has answered quite a few prayers in this last few weeks , hasn 't He , Norah ? ' Kathryn reached for her hand . ' He certainly has . ' Norah shook her head . ' I can hardly believe it all . ' ' You 'll be able to take this . Joseph is going to work with me at the railway . He starts next week , and he might even move back in here with us . ' The following day , Joseph came home . Norah hardly recognised him . He had obviously bathed and chopped at his hair , which was now a shock of coffee coloured waves , pushed back from his forehead . He had a youthful beard , which was also trimmed . His clothes had been washed , of sorts , Norah noticed , although they were still raggy . And most of the mud had been scraped from his battered boots . ' You 've grown up , just as I prayed you would . ' ' I 've been taller than you for a long time , Ma . ' He grinned cheekily . She hugged him for the second time since he 'd walked in the door . When he stood back , looking slightly uncomfortable , she said . ' But tell me , how is your brother ? How is Mick ? It must have been a hard experience for him in Sydney . Do you think he 's learned his lesson ? ' Norah was hopeful , buoyed by all that had happened recently . ' When he and Pa woke up in the alley in Sydney , they knew they 'd been robbed , of course . Pa apparently went berserk . Mick said he could hardly hold him down . He ran down the street cursin ' and screamin ' , thrashin ' about like a madman . Which is what the two policemen who finally held him down said he was . He 'd knocked over three people and badly hurt one woman who was carryin ' a baby at the time . Then he ran like crazy across the street and caused a horse to rear up . The rider got thrown to the ground . He wasn 't hurt too bad but he was so angry with Pa that the two of ' em ended up in a fist fight . The other man was much younger an ' pretty easily overpowered Pa . That 's when the police caught him and took him away . Mick said he kicked and punched at ' em all the way to the police station , an ' then made such a scene in the lock up that the magistrate ordered him taken to George Street Asylum . ' ' They were goin ' to assess him there when he calmed down . Mick was put in the lock up overnight while the police tried to make sense of what was goin ' on . He was so afraid of being locked away himself that he cooperated with the police and said he didn 't know what had set Pa off , that the old man had shown signs of losin ' his mind for quite a while . They let Mick go and he spent a couple of days of sleepin ' in alleys and eatin ' out of garbage bins before he went back to the asylum . He said Pa was sittin ' in a chair , just starin ' into space . A nurse told Mick it was the drugs he 'd been given , that they 'd take him off it soon and see how sane he was . Mick was really scared . When he went back the next day , they let Pa out and the two of ' em hightailed it back here as fast as they could . Then they took off for up north . ' ' Mick went with Michael again ? ' Norah asked , disappointed . ' I told ' em I was goin ' to stay here and get work on the railways . They both called me a few nasty names , but then they said I could suit myself … and they left . I worry about Mick but he 's fifteen now . I can 't be lookin ' after him any longer . ' ' No , Joseph , that 's not your job . It was mine … and your father 's . You must let him go now . ' Norah 's eyes welled up . She knew she was talking to herself as much as her son . ' But Mick will have to learn the hard way now . ' ' He 's been doing that already , I think . ' Norah sighed . ' I just hope and pray he learns some good things along the way , for he 's surely learning a lot of bad things . But I can do no more at the moment than pray for him . Right now , I 'm just giving thanks for you , and for Rebecca . You did hear about your sister , didn 't you ? ' Joseph nodded , a slight grin softening his rugged face . ' I 've you to thank for that , Joseph . If you hadn 't come to tell me where she was I 'd be none the wiser . So thank you so much . ' She reached across the table and took his hands , squeezing them warmly . He made no attempt to remove his hands from hers , and even under the tanned , whiskered face she could see him blushing . Her son was home . Reticent and weary , but home . Tom realised that Joseph had kept one part of the story from their mother and thought it was right to do so . A shiver of dread crept up his spine as he recalled Joseph 's fear about Mick 's final words to Joseph . ' This is not over , ' he 'd said . ' If my brother still thinks I 'm stupid , he has another thing coming . ' The following year was a parade of new babies . Both Kathryn 's daughters - in - law as well as Harriet gave birth again before the middle of the year and in August Elizabeth had her third daughter . It had been another difficult birth and a slow recovery for Elizabeth , although Norah guessed that part of her daughter - in - law 's lethargy following the baby 's arrival was her disappointment that she hadn 't given birth to a son as both Isabel and Harriet had . ' I 'm so pleased they 've called this one Rebecca . ' Norah and Kathryn were exchanging baby news . ' Tis a sign that Tom has been able to forgive his sister . He was very angry with her for all those years after she ran off . He knew how much it was hurting me . But he wasn 't really surprised that she had to find her own way in the world . She was far too headstrong to grow up gracefully … or compliantly . ' Norah chuckled softly , rocking baby Rebecca in her arms . ' Let 's hope this one is a little more like her mother or father in nature . ' ' She 'll be beautiful . Already is , ' Kathryn cooed . ' This grandparenting is such a lovely time in our lives , isn 't it ? I intend to enjoy every minute of it . ' ' Yes , you should , Kathryn . I 'm very contented right now , too . All is not perfect , but I feel very blessed . I 've just a couple more requests of the good Lord that I hope He 'll grant me this side of heaven . ' The two figures entering the train were oblivious to the stares that their scruffy appearance was attracting . Three passengers moved to the back of the carriage after a few minutes of sitting behind them , their noses pinched , their eyes rolling . One small boy remarked loudly to his mother that the men surely needed a bath . She referred to the pungent odour they were all enduring as an example of what would happen to him if he should resist the soaping she insisted he have every other day . The ticket officer checked the tickets twice , baffled as to how the pair had afforded the fare . Mick was busy looking out the window , enjoying the passing bushland . He had contemplated this trip for months now and the thought of retrieving the haul that he was sure his Pa had stashed away , left a greedy smirk on his face . Joseph had refused to come with them so , to Mick 's mind that meant the rewards would be cut two ways . Joseph had gone soft lately , he reckoned . Probably letting their mother get to him , the way Tom had , and it made Mick determined that he would never let any woman take over his life . He couldn 't imagine ever getting married and he had no intention of getting back under his mother 's thumb . It would be just him and his Pa now … at least for a while . He felt sure that his Pa wouldn 't go back with his mother again . And he didn 't seem to have any inclination to hitch up with any other woman . Not that he could imagine his Pa attracting a woman any more . In fact , it was pretty clear to him that his Pa was on the way out , for the old man constantly dribbled and rambled into his beard , even when there was not a person in sight . He would go into rages at the drop of a hat , ranting about someone after him , which was entirely possible , given the number of times they had tricked stupid miners out of their gold or stolen money from them right under their noses . Once a man was drunk , he was an easy roll and usually didn 't know anything was missing till long after Mick and his father were on their way . A real chip off the old They arrived in Sydney late in the evening , darkness slowly enveloping the city , except for the occasional circle of lamp light along George Street . The carriages and carts and horses were thinning as they wandered down the wide street . Michael stared in amazement at the buildings , as if he had never seen any of it before . ' But I thought you lived ' ere for years , ' Mick questioned when his father mumbled about being lost . ' I did , yer daft beggar . But it were over twenty years ago . Tis changed , so it ' as . I can 't tell what 's what in this light . In the mornin ' it 'll be clear . You 'll see . I 'll know what I 'm lookin ' for . ' ' Ah , you 'll be waiting to see what 's what , sure you will . Don 't be touchy about it , or you 'll never know . ' Michael let out a loud , half crazed laugh . The few people that were still on the street glared at him suspiciously and Mick hurried him along . It was a warm night , the city air sticky and strong with the scent of horses ' droppings . ' I need a drink , ' Michael hissed . His eyes scanned the street searching for a familiar sight . A few moments later , he stopped in front of a small pub . He rifled about in the pocket of his pants , dragging out the last of the coins he had stuffed into it after buying the train ticket . He held them up to the fading light and ascertained that there would be enough to buy a bottle of rum , then disappeared into the pub for a few minutes and came out with a bottle protectively under his arm . ' For later , ' Mick heard him mumble as he patted the bottle and nodded for his son to keep going . George Street seemed unending to Mick as they trudged on , his father 's face vague . He was beginning to worry that this might be a wild goose chase when his father spoke again . ' Ah . ' Michael let out a knowing sigh as they came to a cross street . ' What is it ? ' Mick looked about , then back to his father . ' There it be , ' Michael said , nodding at the building across the street . He pointed to a large brick frontage with imposing doors , now closed , but suggesting wealth and power , over which Mick could see something written in broad letters . He could not read it . It hardly looked like a place his father would use to hide something . He wondered if the old man had really lost his mind altogether . ' There it be , ' Michael called loudly . His laugh was more of a screech , his enjoyment of the moment seeming demented . Mick pushed him across the road and past the building , the two of them narrowly avoiding ploughing into a man and woman walking down the street arm in arm . They both stood aside quickly , their faces registering contempt as they hurried on . ' Watch this , ' Michael hissed , his face suddenly trained on a man coming towards them dressed in a tailored coat and top hat . The man swung a cane by his leg jauntily , looking as if he had had a very good day . That was about to be spoiled , Mick had time to think before his father threw himself sideways into the man , almost knocking him to the ground . The two jostled for a few moments while Michael righted himself , grabbing at the other man who was trying to straighten himself up . He brushed down his clothes , obviously appalled at the smell and grubbiness of the drunken fool who had run into him . ' For God 's sake , watch your step , old man . You 're disgusting . Get out of my way . ' The man grimaced as he spoke , backing away as soon as he had his balance , barely able to contain himself long enough to reprimand the vagrant . ' You both should be ashamed . ' He turned his glare onto Mick as he put distance between himself and the two of them , rounding the corner before he had finished his sentence . ' Pa , you devil . You 'll ' ave the police on us . Let 's get out of ' ere , quick . ' Mick dragged his father along the street until they came to an alley . They both ducked off the main road and collapsed onto the dirt , pulling their feet back from the stream of what was likely effluent running along the edge of the building . Michael was puffing but still laughing . ' Tis good , Mick . Tis good to be back . Old Michael 's still got it , eh ? I 've missed these old alleys , so I have . Tis ' ere a man can do what ' e 's best at , eh ? ' ' Never mind that , Pa . You get some rest . We 've got things to be about come mornin ' . An ' then we 'll be out of ' ere , back to where we belong . ' ' Ah , but tis ' ere I belong , Mick . Tis ' ere I belong . ' Michael slumped down against the stone wall and drew up his feet , folding his arms over his chest , patting the small bulge of the watch in his fob pocket . There was very little sound now , just the occasional cursing of another homeless , lurching man looking for a place to curl up in the back streets to sleep off the belly full of drink that he had consumed . Mick huddled close to his father , his arm across the pocket of the old man 's vest lest someone attack them and steal their means of getting their prize . Michael turned his attention to the bottle of rum under his arm . He sniffed the uncorked rum and sighed loudly . ' Can I ' ave some , too ? ' Mick said wearily . His father occasionally gave him a nip these days . A boy had to learn to hold his liquor , he was fond of saying . ' You 'll not be drinkin ' all of that by yourself , now will yer ? ' Mick held out his hand . Michael passed the bottle to his son , watched as he gulped at it , then pulled it back to his own mouth . Between them they emptied the bottle within minutes and settled down into a slack heap of arms and legs , leaning into each other and sliding further down the wall slowly until they were sprawled on the ground deep in sleep . Tom was sure neither of them had noticed him walking down George Street on the opposite side of the street , watching them unobtrusively , his hat low over his forehead , his head turned carefully to avoid his face being seen by them . Seeing them now huddled against the wall , he quietly crossed the street half a block beyond the alley and slowly made his way back towards it . He thought how much they looked alike , lying there , his father 's upper body resting across his brother 's back , their faces crumpled , their dark hair trailing from under their hats . The smell was foul , though obviously appealing to rodents , Tom mused , as he watched a rat approach , its nose twitching . It crawled carefully across his father 's boot and started up the leg of his pants , its tiny face turning this way and that , oblivious to its audience . It sniffed around Michael 's pocket and neckchief , even poked its snout into the matted mass of beard . Michael snored loudly , undisturbed , and the rat turned and ran quickly across his chest and onto the ground , finding the stream of stinking waste on the other side of the alley more palatable . Tom carefully pulled open the flap of his father 's vest and reached into the inside pocket . It was quite deep and as he pulled his hand free Michael stirred but did not wake . Two nights later Tom sat in the Pollard 's parlour . ' Yes , it is . ' Hamlet spoke quietly , having sat speechless while Tom told them how he had followed his brother and father up George Street , watched Michael point at the bank and then stolen the key as the two of them slept in an alley . He had gone to the bank first thing the following morning and shown them the key . He told the bank manager that his father was too old to come to town and retrieve the jewellery he had put away years ago for safe keeping . The manager had no qualms about him having access to the safe deposit box , relieved to have someone claim its contents . It was always a dilemma for them to know what to do with unclaimed goods . The small tin box inside was shut tight . Tom had been too anxious to get out of the bank and on his way home to think of opening it there . When he was safely in the train , he considered it , but decided it belonged to Hamlet and Kathryn and they should be the ones to open it . ' I don 't know what to say , ' Hamlet continued , his voice unsteady . Kathryn patted his back and nodded for him to open the box . His heart thumping , he reached out tentatively , afraid what he had longed to see again all these years would not be there . He breathed in deeply , controlling his emotions and took the box in his large hands , prising the edges apart and pulling the top off . Kathryn and Elizabeth leaned forward over the table straining to see . Tom watched Hamlet 's face , silently praying for an expression of joy and not disappointment . When there was a collective gasp around the table , Tom turned his gaze to the box . The glint of gold from inside the box took their breath away . There were numerous gold watches , chains and bracelets , cuff links and a snuff box . They watched as Kathryn gently removed item after item and laid them on the table . The money at the bottom was just as Hamlet had left it . A thin ribbon , now almost decayed , was still tied around a wad of notes . Several coins lay underneath , though perhaps not quite as many as had been there before Michael and Norah 's visit to Campbelltown all those years ago . And amongst the coins … Hamlet 's mother 's sweet face looked up at them from the small gilt - edged brooch . Hamlet looked at the brooch for a long time , tears running down his cheeks . ' See , Elizabeth , ' he said when he could speak . ' It 's the image of you . ' His face broke into a broad smile even as tears continued to drip onto the table . Elizabeth turned on her stool and buried her face in Tom 's chest . ' I can 't believe it , ' she said through her own tears . ' Oh , Tom , thank you . ' Kathryn was also crying . ' You don 't have to thank me , Hamlet . It 's enough to see this back in the family . I 'm just sorry it 's been so long . ' ' Tis here now and in time for Hamlet to pass it to Elizabeth , just as he 's always wanted , ' Kathryn said . ' It was always meant to be a keepsake , so that our children and your children would not forget Hamlet 's mother 's love and trust in her son . Tis a blessing from God that we 've got it back , sure it is . ' ' No , Elizabeth , they 're not . Except for the money . That was our savings , what we were going to buy the farm with . ' She picked up the bundle of notes . It 's still quite a bit of money , Hamlet . ' ' It 's something to give the children now … to help them along . ' He pushed his hands through his hair and rubbed his eyes , still hardly able to believe what he was seeing . He picked up the brooch and studied it lovingly . ' Likely not poor , ' Hamlet said . ' Your father would have targeted the wealthy , picked their pockets on the streets or broken into their homes at night and raided their jewellery boxes . No doubt they 'd have missed these things but there 's nothing personal on any of them to indicate who they might have belonged to . And goodness knows how long they 've been in this box . I doubt your father has been back to Sydney in all these years . ' ' I 'd say they 're Norah 's , ' Hamlet announced after a moment . ' Whatever Michael had should be passed onto her . God knows he gave her little enough over the years . She might as well have these now . She might be able to sell some of it … the watches at least . ' ' I don 't think Norah will want any part of these , ' Kathryn cut in . ' They 're stolen goods . And you know how she felt about Michael 's thieving . It broke her heart . ' ' Yes , I think it would distress her , ' Tom agreed . ' But we are going to have to tell her something . If Elizabeth 's to have this brooch - ' ' I think Ma should keep the brooch for now . You 've not had the enjoyment of it , Ma , ' Elizabeth added quickly , before her mother could object . ' Pa should have the pleasure of his mother 's lovely face for a while . He 's been deprived of it all these years . ' Hamlet smiled gratefully at his daughter . ' It would be nice . ' Reaching for Kathryn 's hand , he grinned . ' But I suspect your mother is not going to agree to it , and I have to admit that to see you have it seems the right thing . ' ' Exactly . ' Kathryn nodded . ' The brooch was always meant for our daughters and our granddaughters . That was your grandmother 's wish , Elizabeth . I had a great deal of pleasure wearing the brooch before it was stolen . Besides , you have daughters of your own now . The years go by very quickly . Catherine and Marianne will be women before you know it and having children of their own . Then it 'll be time to pass it on again . ' Before his daughter could speak again , Hamlet reached out and pinned the brooch to her blouse , his eyes filling again with tears as he stood back and looked at it . Tom patted Elizabeth 's arm gently , signalling she should not argue . Then he turned back to the box . ' What do you suggest we do with the other things ? ' he asked . ' I think Pa 's right . They belong to your mother , ' Elizabeth said . ' At least the benefit of them . I think we should trust her with the truth and let her decide what to do with these things . ' ' Good , and we 'll share the money amongst the children . Not that it 'll be a great deal for each , but something of an inheritance . ' Hamlet sighed . ' Don 't you talk of inheritances , Hamlet Pollard . That 's what family gets when you die . And I 'll not hear of that just yet . ' ' Well , my dear . I 'm nearly seventy . It 's a fair age for children to expect to benefit from their inheritance . What else would we do with it ? We 've everything we need . ' ' We do , my love . But let 's think of this as a gift to our children . Tis a blessing to be able to give them a gift . An inheritance cost much more . ' ' Perhaps not , ' Tom said . ' So let 's assume they don 't know it was me until we learn differently , but we need to be careful all the same . If they were to come back looking for it again … well I 'm not sure what they 're capable of . I know Joseph wants to stay out of it now . I think he might even start work on the railways with me . He 's had enough of Mick and Pa 's antics . ' ' So , the next thing is to talk to your mother … just as soon as she gets home from Forbes . I 'd like to be with you , Tom , ' Kathryn said . ' She 'll find it hard to understand why I kept this from her all these years . I hope she 'll be able to forgive me . I couldn 't bear to lose her friendship . ' ' I doubt that could ever happen , ' Tom assured her . ' Ma 's the forgiving type . I think she 's proved that already . ' To be continued . . . . |
' Not so much odd as a sense of completion , like that part of my work on earth is done . I 'm glad that Suzannah and Johnny and the little ones are living with us though . It reminds me there 's still plenty for me to do . We have eleven grandchildren now , can you believe it ? Tis wonderful for Hamlet . Gives him a good excuse to sit a while instead of working flat out . With a child on his knee he feels very useful . ' ' Yes , I do know that feeling . I 'm so looking forward now to going back to Forbes to see Rebecca 's little ones . It 's hard when they 're not close by . ' ' It sounds like there 's likely to be more little ones out there soon . ' ' True . Once she and Nels are married in November , I 've no doubt there will be more . Who 'd have thought a few years back that Rebecca would be writing to me and telling me she wants me to come and help her prepare for a wedding ? I 'm very excited and so is Mary . She 's insisting on coming with me this time . Bob Atkins said he 'll find someone to fill in and her job will be there when we come back . She 's a great little worker . ' ' Not so little , sure she 's not . ' Kathryn frowned . ' She 's twenty - two and should be looking to be married herself . Hasn 't there been anyone wanting to court her ? ' ' Not a sign of one . I think she meets plenty of young men at the Inn , but apparently not the right one . And I 'm just as pleased . I don 't want her making the mistakes I did … and Rebecca did . I think she 's learned from us . At the moment , she 's chuffed enough being an aunt . ' ' Rebecca is going to be happy , isn 't she ? She is making a good choice now ? ' ' I think so . ' Norah nodded . ' Since she got the news that the children 's father is really dead , she 's more relaxed . It 's awful to say but they 're all better off without the fear of him turning up again . ' ' She wants to have a wedding with all the trimmings , ' Norah continued without acknowledging Kathryn 's remark . ' As much to show the people of Forbes that she 's going to be respectable as anything else , I 'm guessing . She 's determined to live down her reputation . Even started going to church with Nels . I do pray that she 'll find her peace with God and have the support I 've had from our church . That 's my hope for her now . ' As the small party spilled out of St John 's church they were met with a blast of hot air . Norah blinked as her eyes adjusted to the glare and her hand went up to stop her bonnet from being blown from her head . Her full skirt clung to her legs as the wind pushed against her . It was a hot , gusty November day , not unusual for summers in Forbes , the locals said . Their greatest fear was that a fire would sweep across the farmlands , wiping them all out , for there was nothing that would stop a blaze in the tinder dry conditions . There had been no rain to speak of for more months than they cared to count . Norah knew that Rebecca 's life out here would not be easy , not as a farmer 's wife and not as a resident of Forbes . Even now , as she looked across the street , there was a huddle of local women , their interest in the wedding anything but friendly . She could see the disapproval on their faces . ' A woman with five children out of wedlock having the audacity to marry in the church , ' she could imagine them clucking . ' And her in a long cream dress , no less , with a veil and flowers clutched to her waist , parading like a real bride , making a mockery of the decorum with which decent women conduct their lives . ' Norah had overheard such comments around the town as she had bought ribbons and lace for Rebecca 's dress , and searched for the brush and comb set she had eventually settled on to give her as a wedding gift . She was well aware of what the women of this town thought about her daughter and others like her , who they considered had brought upon themselves misery and no end of criticism by their own choices and actions . But that was passed now and Norah prayed that at least some of the people here would give Rebecca a second chance , for surely it was the Christian thing to do . Most of these women , no doubt , paraded into church each Sunday , professing themselves to be godly women . Well , here was a test for them , Norah thought . Could they forgive someone who had offended their sensibilities , who needed Christian charity and was sincerely trying to change to be a better person ? Time would tell . She prayed Rebecca would have the courage and confidence to live out the plans she and Nels had made , with or without the approval of these sharp beaked biddies who were still whispering and twittering across the street . Nels helped Rebecca climb into their cart . He smiled up at her admiringly as her lustrous curls fluttered around her face . Her cheeks were rosy with health and her eyes glowing with happiness . He proudly ushered her five children in behind her before he climbed up beside his new wife . Norah followed with Mary , William and Theresa in a second cart which had been loaned to them by one of the church families . A few of Nels ' friends from the church and the local area waved and whistled as the carts headed down the main street , one of the young women catching the bouquet of flowers that Rebecca threw ceremoniously as she passed the small group of onlookers . Then she turned to the pinched - faced huddle on the other side of the street and waved , laughing over the clatter of the string of tin cans that had been tied to the back of their cart . The women pulled back , their mouths pursing , their hands grabbing at their shopping baskets as if they were afraid of being assaulted . Or perhaps afraid they had been caught in the act of unchristian gossip , Norah thought , smiling at the courage of her daughter . Perhaps she would survive here just fine . As the family settled back into their chairs and cushions on the floor , their stomachs bulging from the spread that Norah had prepared before the ceremony , Norah glanced around the cottage that Nels had lovingly built for Rebecca . He had lived in little more than a tent when he arrived , using strips of bark and rough planks to protect himself from the worst of the weather and the animals that foraged for food wherever their noses led them . But gradually , he gathered the stones and wood , and bought the other materials needed to build what was a comfortable and cosy cottage for his bride and the five children to whom he would now become father . It was quite an undertaking , Norah acknowledged to herself , one that gave her confidence that Nels would take good care of her daughter and her grandchildren . He was young and strong and obviously totally in love with Rebecca , who sat in one of the two large soft armchairs that Nels had brought home last week , insisting they would be kept for he and his wife to rest in at the end of the day . They would discuss their plans and their problems from these chairs , he had said proudly . They would warm themselves by the large fire in the corner , drink tea and remind each other how fortunate they were and what a fine life they would build . He had said all this in the short speech that he made earlier , having carried Rebecca across the threshold of the cottage as Mrs Glander for the first time . The children had all clapped , delighted to see their mother so happy and in awe of the room which would be theirs to sleep in . It was the first time that they had been in a house with a plank floor , having always lived on packed dirt . They kept tapping their boots on the boards , amused by the noise they could make as they walked across the room . Even having boots was a novelty , for they had spent most of their childhood barefooted . They had gradually spread themselves more spaciously around the table as they had eaten dinner , surprised to find that the long benches on either side of the wooden ' Perhaps , ' Rebecca mused . ' I always thought Tom was a clever boy . Not that I ever let him know that . ' She grinned sheepishly . ' But he was very bossy and … I guess I was jealous of him . It 's hard for me to see my Thomas like that . He certainly rounds the other children up here and makes them help , but he 's not smart like Tom . He can 't read or anything . ' She shook her head . ' There are no schools out this way and I 'd hardly be able to take him into Forbes . We 'd be thrown out , for sure . ' ' Then you don 't know how smart he is , do you ? Tis just a chance he needs , sure it is . Like the rest of them . They need to be learning , Rebecca . ' ' Why ? ' Rebecca bristled a little . ' They 'll probably just go onto the land , like most other boys around here . It 's more important they learn to ride a horse than read a book . ' ' No , tis not , ' Norah insisted . ' They may not want to be farmers . They may want to travel to the big towns and work there . They might want to be teachers or doctors . ' ' Ma . ' Rebecca chortled . ' You always did have such notions . I 'll be happy if they get alongside Nels and help him with this farm . He has plans to grow wheat and get some more cattle . He 'll need all the children to help . ' ' I was just telling Rebecca how important it is for young children to learn to read and write , ' Norah explained , yawning . It had been a long day and she was ready for sleep . It had been a wonderful time here helping Rebecca prepare for her marriage , but now she was looking forward to getting back to her own room in Wiseman 's Creek . It was time for this little family of her daughter 's to get on with their own lives . ' I agree , Ma , ' Mary said quietly , sitting on the chair beside her mother . ' That 's why I 've decided to stay here . ' She smiled innocently , as if it had been something everyone was prepared for . ' Nels and I have been discussing it , ' Mary said . ' I said I 'd like to stay and help with the children . Rebecca could do with another pair of hands and I could teach the children to read and write as well . ' It seemed a simple and obvious solution to Mary . ' What do you think , Rebecca ? We never did have much time together as sisters and I think I could help you a lot . ' ' Why , it would be wonderful . ' Rebecca sat up , her face breaking into a wide smile . ' I 'd love it . Yes , I think it 's a grand idea . ' Norah sat back . Her first thought was that she was to lose another daughter . But then she turned to Rebecca and saw the look of gratitude on her face . Rebecca was overwhelmed , clearly not thinking that she deserved such grace from her sister . Yes , it would be good for her , not only to have help with the children but to receive the love and acceptance her sister was showing and to know that she was worthy of it , no matter how much she had held her family at bay these past years . It would be a new chapter in her daughters ' lives . A good chapter . ' Well . ' Norah sighed , satisfied . ' That 's decided then . ' ' Gwandma , Gwandma . ' Young Catherine ran to the door to welcome her grandmother home from Forbes . Norah dropped to her knees to receive the five - year - old 's hug . ' Tis so good to see you , my sweet . My , I think you 've grown while I 've been away . ' Norah followed the little girl to a chair in the parlour and dropped into it gratefully before carefully examining and marvelling over the drawings her granddaughter produced . Within minutes , Elizabeth appeared with a pot of tea on a tray . Marianne was walking slowly behind her mother , her eyes trained on the small plate of biscuits she was carrying . Norah grinned as she watched little Rebecca , now fifteen months old , pull herself up on the arm of the chair and reach for a biscuit the minute her sister had laid them down on the small table . ' So , do you think this one will look like her namesake , Ma ? ' Tom said after hearing how beautiful his sister had looked at her wedding . He drew his youngest daughter onto his knee . ' She doesn 't have your sister 's dark curls , does she ? ' Norah smiled at the infant 's pale brown hair . ' Not Gwandma 's , ' Catherine piped in authoritatively . ' Gwandma 's hair is grey … isn 't it , Gwandma ? ' The little girl turned to Norah , looking for agreement . ' It is now , my darling , so it is . ' Norah pushed her fingers through her still thick hair . ' But once it was red just like yours . ' ' Well , your daddy 's hair is more like his … Pa 's . ' Norah faltered . She noticed Tom tense . ' It seems the time is coming when there 'll be difficult questions to answer , ' she said quietly across the child 's head . ' Hmm , ' Tom murmured . ' Now , Catherine , did you show Grandma all those beautiful pictures you drew ? ' ' Me too , ' Marianne attempted to push her older sister aside and nestle into her grandmother 's knee . The interruption distracted Catherine from her question and she focussed on competing with her younger sister for their grandmother 's attention . Elizabeth chucked Rebecca under the chin and smiled warmly at her mother - in - law . ' I just hope this little one gives us as much pleasure as her name sake is now giving you . It must have been a wonderful day for you to see Rebecca happily married . ' Between biscuits and more cups of tea , Tom and Elizabeth listened to Theresa 's and William 's stories of their time in Forbes , the gestures of the two older children keeping the little ones amply entertained throughout . When the chatter slowed , Tom suggested they go out the back and have a play before dinner , and then he turned to his mother . ' Have you decided what you 're going to do with that jewellery from the box , Ma ? ' ' Oh , that again . I 'd like to take it to the police and hand it in . Tis stolen property , after all . But that would surely spell more trouble for your father . I 'm not wanting to do that , even though I know he deserves it . I couldn 't possibly benefit from it , though , Tom . All those years I tried to get him to change his ways … perhaps I didn 't try hard enough . But now I couldn 't bring myself to use things he stole from other people . I still have trouble thinking about the gold we found in his coat being used to fix up this house . It just doesn 't seem right . ' ' I understand , Ma , but how could I possibly find out who really owned that . I wouldn 't know which of the men after Pa were robbers themselves and which had really dug for those nuggets . It 's even harder to imagine how the jewellery in that box could ever be returned to the people it belongs to . It would be impossible after all this time for even the police to establish that . And what difference would it make if they went after Pa for it ? He could be charged with so many thefts . Sooner or later , something will catch up with him . Or he 'll completely lose his mind and have to be locked up anyway . ' ' It 's a sad end , Tom . ' ' But hardly surprising , Ma . In the end you won 't be able to prevent him having to face the consequences of his life … in this world , or the next . ' ' I think Hamlet 's right . Pa 's children might well do with getting something from their father 's life . Not me , of course . I 've all I need . But what about Theresa ? Or Mary … now that she 's embarking on a new life out there at Forbes ? Or Rebecca ? She and Nels might like a bit of help . Joseph and Mick can work for what they need . They don 't deserve to benefit from his thieving . Not after they aided Pa in some of his later escapades . And William , well I suspect he 'd rather earn his own way as well . ' ' Oh , Ma , don 't put it like that . I just thought perhaps they could do with some help . But on second thought , I guess their husbands would prefer to support them by other means . Of course we don 't know when Mary or Theresa will have husbands , do we ? ' ' Mary could meet someone any time now , but it 's a long way off for Theresa , seeing as she 's only ten . She actually found the jewellery just before we went to Forbes and was parading around in one of the necklaces as if she was a queen with the crown jewels . She 's not had too many pretty things . But I still don 't want her wearing something her father stole from some poor woman . ' ' It 's up to you , Ma . But it won 't do to leave it around the house too long . As you see , Theresa found it . We can 't hide it forever . What did you tell her about it ? ' ' The truth . I couldn 't lie to her . She seemed hardly affected at all . Tis the only kind of thing she 's heard about her father all her life , sadly enough . ' ' Well , I hope she doesn 't say anything to Joseph . I didn 't tell him what was in the box besides the brooch and I don 't think he needs to know . He does seem to have settled down but I 'd not want to tempt him too much . And I certainly don 't want Mick finding out about it . Goodness knows what he 'd do . ' ' Do you think you 'll be able to put the past behind you now , Tom ? ' ' What do you mean ? ' ' I mean will you be able to let go of your anger with your father and your brother ? ' ' I 'm trying to put it behind me , Ma . But forgive is a pretty strong word . I don 't believe my father deserves forgiveness . ' ' Perhaps , but then , who of us really does ? We all do wrong one way or another . ' ' Most of our wrongs hardly compare to Pa 's . ' Tom shook his head . ' He 's followed every wrong path he could find since he was a young boy , don 't you think ? And Mick may not be much different , I 'm afraid . ' ' Now , Tom , please don 't have Mick judged so harshly before he 's even a man . We don 't know that he won 't turn his life around , as Joseph has done . We must hold out hope for him . ' Her voice wavered as she thought about Mick . ' But even as far as your father 's concerned , ultimately tis not up to us to judge him . That 's a job for God alone . Ours ' is to forgive … for our own sakes , if not for his . ' ' I don 't know how you can think like that , Ma … after all he put you through . ' Norah could hear the hardness in her son 's voice . ' He put all of us through a great deal , Tom . And I 'd never say it wasn 't wrong of him . He 's caused a lot of heartache and provided little of what I 'd hoped for from a husband and father . But to harbour resentment would only bring us further heartache and trouble . We must let it go if we 're to have a happy future . Heaven knows , he needs our prayers more than anyone . He 's a scoundrel but he was spoiled early . Only God can help him . ' ' We can 't always wait for a person to change before we forgive , Tom . ' Norah sighed deeply , feeling the years of pain . ' I 'm sorry for the past . But I want us to be free to enjoy the future . ' Tom pushed his hair from his forehead and took a deep breath . ' Well , let 's just concentrate on the wonderful things ahead , then , eh ? Lizzie and I have some news . We 're pretty sure , aren 't we , sweetheart ? ' He turned and smiled warmly at Elizabeth . ' Looks like we 'll be having another child next year . This time I 'm praying for a son … for Lizzie 's sake . ' He squeezed her hand and her face lit up . ' Do you think God might grant her that ? ' ' I wouldn 't be surprised , Tom . He 's very gracious . ' ' Oh , oh , they 're back . ' Elizabeth laughed as Rebecca bounced gleefully at the sight of her sisters coming back into the room . ' That 's her brooch , ' Catherine exclaimed , as if it should be perfectly obvious . ' With her picture on it . See ? ' She moved close enough to her mother to point at the brooch which was pinned to the top of her blouse . ' Of course it 's hard to understand , my sweet . ' Norah drew the little girl back into her arms and kissed her lightly on the cheek . ' It 's hard to imagine people from such a long time ago , isn 't it ? But one day I 'll tell you all about your great grandmother Pollard . She was a very special lady and that brooch is a precious treasure . One day you 'll understand , I promise . ' You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and you feel the power to wish them well . Lewis B . Smedes ' First things first . I 've never felt so grimy in my life . Tis a desert out there , so it is , ' she said as she headed for the outhouse . Tom heard her ask William to get the kerosene boiler going so she could have some hot water . Later , with a steaming cup of tea in her hands , her face gleaming from the scrubbing that she had given it , her fresh clothes neat and tidy , she sat at the kitchen table . ' I 'm sorry to keep you all in suspense . You know if it had been bad news , I 'd not have kept you waiting . ' She laughed and Tom could see that his mother was happier than she 'd been in years . ' Rebecca 's doing well . At least she will be . I think we 'll be hearing that she 's getting married before too long . ' ' She does . Five of them . ' Norah paused while Elizabeth gasped and then told them about Rebecca 's years at Wowingong . ' It 's been awful for her but I think she 's really learned from it . She 's different , softer . I didn 't think so when I first arrived but she was hurt because she thought I 'd let her down . Once we sorted that out , we got along really well . God really answered my prayers . ' Norah smiled and her face lit up , the tiredness seeming to drop away . ' I had to go back to the old man in the post office and tell him what a lovely reunion we 'd had for he was worried he 'd sent me on a very sad mission . ' ' I don 't know how you did it , Ma . ' Tom shook his head . He was full of admiration for his mother . ' The best part is I met Nels , ' she continued . ' He came to the house - shack actually - it made our old place here look like a palace . No front door so the mosquitoes came out of the salt bush at night and swarmed into the place and there were fleas in the mattresses , a plague I 'd say . The older children were healthy enough because they 'd been eating raw vegetables out of the garden but the little ones were on the verge of scurvy , and Rebecca as well . Hopefully , we sorted out what she needs to do about all that and I think the children will keep her to it . They 've a lot of spunk . She called the eldest Thomas and my word , he 's a lot like you , son . ' She paused and patted Tom 's hand fondly . ' And her daughter , Mabel , well she 's the spitting image of her mother , in looks and attitude , so Rebecca will get a good taste of what that 's like . But I believe they 'll make it now . It was the good Lord 's providence that I found her . It meant a lot to her that I went . ' ' He came to visit the day after I got there . He 's a very caring young man and I believe just what Rebecca needs . He 's quite determined to marry her . She 's a little wary but I think she 'll come around . She knows she needs someone solid and reliable in her life . She ought to have learned that from her experience with her father but tis sad how often we repeat history . ' ' She 's not coming back then ? ' Elizabeth said . ' I doubt it . She says she 's made a mess out there and she needs to work it out there . She 'll have a lot of criticism to face if she starts going into Forbes . She 'll probably never get in good with some of the locals but Nels doesn 't care . He 's had to face that himself just because he 's a foreigner in their eyes … although heaven knows we 're all foreigners , aren 't we ? ' ' Sounds to me like she 's done some growing up , ' Tom nodded . He was glad for his sister , and really happy for his mother . ' We have some news too , Ma , ' he grinned wryly . ' Very good , ' he began . ' But you have to wait ' til tomorrow , ' Elizabeth said quickly . ' Ma wants to be here when we tell you . ' ' Harriet then ? Or one of your brothers , Elizabeth ? Someone must be having a baby . ' Norah persisted . ' We 've not heard if any of them are having another baby yet . ' Elizabeth laughed . ' Well , it must be Annie then . Is she getting married to one of those Quinn boys ? She 's always over there from what Kathryn says , and she 's convinced it 's not only to play aunt to Isabel 's little ones . ' Norah thought for a moment . Her eyes lit up . ' It 's Joseph , isn 't it ? He 's going to work with you , isn 't he ? ' Then she stopped and thought again . ' But why would Kathryn need to be here to hear that ? ' Tom and Elizabeth both shook their heads and laughed loudly . ' You 'll just have to wait and see . It 's only one night . You 've had to wait a lot longer for most of your good news over the years . Now , who 's for another cup of tea ? ' Elizabeth clapped her hands together gleefully . ' Dear God , have mercy , ' Norah gasped when Kathryn had finished . ' I 'm so ashamed . I 'm so sorry . Tom , I thought you said it was good news . ' ' I 'm shocked , ' she said at last . ' I 'm so sad to think what your father stole from Hamlet . Poor man . No wonder it 's been so hard for him all these years . And you , Kathryn , why did you not tell me ? How could you bear to have me in your life … after what my husband did ? ' ' You were my dearest friend , Norah . I knew you had no knowledge of what Michael had done and I wasn 't going to let it come between us . And I knew if I told you , it would be that much harder for you to deal with Michael . Hamlet and I agreed it was best not to say anything . We had no hope of getting the brooch back … until Tom found out about it . He 's been wonderful . We 're so grateful . ' ' So God has answered quite a few prayers in this last few weeks , hasn 't He , Norah ? ' Kathryn reached for her hand . ' He certainly has . ' Norah shook her head . ' I can hardly believe it all . ' ' You 'll be able to take this . Joseph is going to work with me at the railway . He starts next week , and he might even move back in here with us . ' The following day , Joseph came home . Norah hardly recognised him . He had obviously bathed and chopped at his hair , which was now a shock of coffee coloured waves , pushed back from his forehead . He had a youthful beard , which was also trimmed . His clothes had been washed , of sorts , Norah noticed , although they were still raggy . And most of the mud had been scraped from his battered boots . ' You 've grown up , just as I prayed you would . ' ' I 've been taller than you for a long time , Ma . ' He grinned cheekily . She hugged him for the second time since he 'd walked in the door . When he stood back , looking slightly uncomfortable , she said . ' But tell me , how is your brother ? How is Mick ? It must have been a hard experience for him in Sydney . Do you think he 's learned his lesson ? ' Norah was hopeful , buoyed by all that had happened recently . ' When he and Pa woke up in the alley in Sydney , they knew they 'd been robbed , of course . Pa apparently went berserk . Mick said he could hardly hold him down . He ran down the street cursin ' and screamin ' , thrashin ' about like a madman . Which is what the two policemen who finally held him down said he was . He 'd knocked over three people and badly hurt one woman who was carryin ' a baby at the time . Then he ran like crazy across the street and caused a horse to rear up . The rider got thrown to the ground . He wasn 't hurt too bad but he was so angry with Pa that the two of ' em ended up in a fist fight . The other man was much younger an ' pretty easily overpowered Pa . That 's when the police caught him and took him away . Mick said he kicked and punched at ' em all the way to the police station , an ' then made such a scene in the lock up that the magistrate ordered him taken to George Street Asylum . ' ' They were goin ' to assess him there when he calmed down . Mick was put in the lock up overnight while the police tried to make sense of what was goin ' on . He was so afraid of being locked away himself that he cooperated with the police and said he didn 't know what had set Pa off , that the old man had shown signs of losin ' his mind for quite a while . They let Mick go and he spent a couple of days of sleepin ' in alleys and eatin ' out of garbage bins before he went back to the asylum . He said Pa was sittin ' in a chair , just starin ' into space . A nurse told Mick it was the drugs he 'd been given , that they 'd take him off it soon and see how sane he was . Mick was really scared . When he went back the next day , they let Pa out and the two of ' em hightailed it back here as fast as they could . Then they took off for up north . ' ' Mick went with Michael again ? ' Norah asked , disappointed . ' I told ' em I was goin ' to stay here and get work on the railways . They both called me a few nasty names , but then they said I could suit myself … and they left . I worry about Mick but he 's fifteen now . I can 't be lookin ' after him any longer . ' ' No , Joseph , that 's not your job . It was mine … and your father 's . You must let him go now . ' Norah 's eyes welled up . She knew she was talking to herself as much as her son . ' But Mick will have to learn the hard way now . ' ' He 's been doing that already , I think . ' Norah sighed . ' I just hope and pray he learns some good things along the way , for he 's surely learning a lot of bad things . But I can do no more at the moment than pray for him . Right now , I 'm just giving thanks for you , and for Rebecca . You did hear about your sister , didn 't you ? ' Joseph nodded , a slight grin softening his rugged face . ' I 've you to thank for that , Joseph . If you hadn 't come to tell me where she was I 'd be none the wiser . So thank you so much . ' She reached across the table and took his hands , squeezing them warmly . He made no attempt to remove his hands from hers , and even under the tanned , whiskered face she could see him blushing . Her son was home . Reticent and weary , but home . Tom realised that Joseph had kept one part of the story from their mother and thought it was right to do so . A shiver of dread crept up his spine as he recalled Joseph 's fear about Mick 's final words to Joseph . ' This is not over , ' he 'd said . ' If my brother still thinks I 'm stupid , he has another thing coming . ' The following year was a parade of new babies . Both Kathryn 's daughters - in - law as well as Harriet gave birth again before the middle of the year and in August Elizabeth had her third daughter . It had been another difficult birth and a slow recovery for Elizabeth , although Norah guessed that part of her daughter - in - law 's lethargy following the baby 's arrival was her disappointment that she hadn 't given birth to a son as both Isabel and Harriet had . ' I 'm so pleased they 've called this one Rebecca . ' Norah and Kathryn were exchanging baby news . ' Tis a sign that Tom has been able to forgive his sister . He was very angry with her for all those years after she ran off . He knew how much it was hurting me . But he wasn 't really surprised that she had to find her own way in the world . She was far too headstrong to grow up gracefully … or compliantly . ' Norah chuckled softly , rocking baby Rebecca in her arms . ' Let 's hope this one is a little more like her mother or father in nature . ' ' She 'll be beautiful . Already is , ' Kathryn cooed . ' This grandparenting is such a lovely time in our lives , isn 't it ? I intend to enjoy every minute of it . ' ' Yes , you should , Kathryn . I 'm very contented right now , too . All is not perfect , but I feel very blessed . I 've just a couple more requests of the good Lord that I hope He 'll grant me this side of heaven . ' The two figures entering the train were oblivious to the stares that their scruffy appearance was attracting . Three passengers moved to the back of the carriage after a few minutes of sitting behind them , their noses pinched , their eyes rolling . One small boy remarked loudly to his mother that the men surely needed a bath . She referred to the pungent odour they were all enduring as an example of what would happen to him if he should resist the soaping she insisted he have every other day . The ticket officer checked the tickets twice , baffled as to how the pair had afforded the fare . Mick was busy looking out the window , enjoying the passing bushland . He had contemplated this trip for months now and the thought of retrieving the haul that he was sure his Pa had stashed away , left a greedy smirk on his face . Joseph had refused to come with them so , to Mick 's mind that meant the rewards would be cut two ways . Joseph had gone soft lately , he reckoned . Probably letting their mother get to him , the way Tom had , and it made Mick determined that he would never let any woman take over his life . He couldn 't imagine ever getting married and he had no intention of getting back under his mother 's thumb . It would be just him and his Pa now … at least for a while . He felt sure that his Pa wouldn 't go back with his mother again . And he didn 't seem to have any inclination to hitch up with any other woman . Not that he could imagine his Pa attracting a woman any more . In fact , it was pretty clear to him that his Pa was on the way out , for the old man constantly dribbled and rambled into his beard , even when there was not a person in sight . He would go into rages at the drop of a hat , ranting about someone after him , which was entirely possible , given the number of times they had tricked stupid miners out of their gold or stolen money from them right under their noses . Once a man was drunk , he was an easy roll and usually didn 't know anything was missing till long after Mick and his father were on their way . A real chip off the old They arrived in Sydney late in the evening , darkness slowly enveloping the city , except for the occasional circle of lamp light along George Street . The carriages and carts and horses were thinning as they wandered down the wide street . Michael stared in amazement at the buildings , as if he had never seen any of it before . ' But I thought you lived ' ere for years , ' Mick questioned when his father mumbled about being lost . ' I did , yer daft beggar . But it were over twenty years ago . Tis changed , so it ' as . I can 't tell what 's what in this light . In the mornin ' it 'll be clear . You 'll see . I 'll know what I 'm lookin ' for . ' ' Ah , you 'll be waiting to see what 's what , sure you will . Don 't be touchy about it , or you 'll never know . ' Michael let out a loud , half crazed laugh . The few people that were still on the street glared at him suspiciously and Mick hurried him along . It was a warm night , the city air sticky and strong with the scent of horses ' droppings . ' I need a drink , ' Michael hissed . His eyes scanned the street searching for a familiar sight . A few moments later , he stopped in front of a small pub . He rifled about in the pocket of his pants , dragging out the last of the coins he had stuffed into it after buying the train ticket . He held them up to the fading light and ascertained that there would be enough to buy a bottle of rum , then disappeared into the pub for a few minutes and came out with a bottle protectively under his arm . ' For later , ' Mick heard him mumble as he patted the bottle and nodded for his son to keep going . George Street seemed unending to Mick as they trudged on , his father 's face vague . He was beginning to worry that this might be a wild goose chase when his father spoke again . ' Ah . ' Michael let out a knowing sigh as they came to a cross street . ' What is it ? ' Mick looked about , then back to his father . ' There it be , ' Michael said , nodding at the building across the street . He pointed to a large brick frontage with imposing doors , now closed , but suggesting wealth and power , over which Mick could see something written in broad letters . He could not read it . It hardly looked like a place his father would use to hide something . He wondered if the old man had really lost his mind altogether . ' There it be , ' Michael called loudly . His laugh was more of a screech , his enjoyment of the moment seeming demented . Mick pushed him across the road and past the building , the two of them narrowly avoiding ploughing into a man and woman walking down the street arm in arm . They both stood aside quickly , their faces registering contempt as they hurried on . ' Watch this , ' Michael hissed , his face suddenly trained on a man coming towards them dressed in a tailored coat and top hat . The man swung a cane by his leg jauntily , looking as if he had had a very good day . That was about to be spoiled , Mick had time to think before his father threw himself sideways into the man , almost knocking him to the ground . The two jostled for a few moments while Michael righted himself , grabbing at the other man who was trying to straighten himself up . He brushed down his clothes , obviously appalled at the smell and grubbiness of the drunken fool who had run into him . ' For God 's sake , watch your step , old man . You 're disgusting . Get out of my way . ' The man grimaced as he spoke , backing away as soon as he had his balance , barely able to contain himself long enough to reprimand the vagrant . ' You both should be ashamed . ' He turned his glare onto Mick as he put distance between himself and the two of them , rounding the corner before he had finished his sentence . ' Pa , you devil . You 'll ' ave the police on us . Let 's get out of ' ere , quick . ' Mick dragged his father along the street until they came to an alley . They both ducked off the main road and collapsed onto the dirt , pulling their feet back from the stream of what was likely effluent running along the edge of the building . Michael was puffing but still laughing . ' Tis good , Mick . Tis good to be back . Old Michael 's still got it , eh ? I 've missed these old alleys , so I have . Tis ' ere a man can do what ' e 's best at , eh ? ' ' Never mind that , Pa . You get some rest . We 've got things to be about come mornin ' . An ' then we 'll be out of ' ere , back to where we belong . ' ' Ah , but tis ' ere I belong , Mick . Tis ' ere I belong . ' Michael slumped down against the stone wall and drew up his feet , folding his arms over his chest , patting the small bulge of the watch in his fob pocket . There was very little sound now , just the occasional cursing of another homeless , lurching man looking for a place to curl up in the back streets to sleep off the belly full of drink that he had consumed . Mick huddled close to his father , his arm across the pocket of the old man 's vest lest someone attack them and steal their means of getting their prize . Michael turned his attention to the bottle of rum under his arm . He sniffed the uncorked rum and sighed loudly . ' Can I ' ave some , too ? ' Mick said wearily . His father occasionally gave him a nip these days . A boy had to learn to hold his liquor , he was fond of saying . ' You 'll not be drinkin ' all of that by yourself , now will yer ? ' Mick held out his hand . Michael passed the bottle to his son , watched as he gulped at it , then pulled it back to his own mouth . Between them they emptied the bottle within minutes and settled down into a slack heap of arms and legs , leaning into each other and sliding further down the wall slowly until they were sprawled on the ground deep in sleep . Tom was sure neither of them had noticed him walking down George Street on the opposite side of the street , watching them unobtrusively , his hat low over his forehead , his head turned carefully to avoid his face being seen by them . Seeing them now huddled against the wall , he quietly crossed the street half a block beyond the alley and slowly made his way back towards it . He thought how much they looked alike , lying there , his father 's upper body resting across his brother 's back , their faces crumpled , their dark hair trailing from under their hats . The smell was foul , though obviously appealing to rodents , Tom mused , as he watched a rat approach , its nose twitching . It crawled carefully across his father 's boot and started up the leg of his pants , its tiny face turning this way and that , oblivious to its audience . It sniffed around Michael 's pocket and neckchief , even poked its snout into the matted mass of beard . Michael snored loudly , undisturbed , and the rat turned and ran quickly across his chest and onto the ground , finding the stream of stinking waste on the other side of the alley more palatable . Tom carefully pulled open the flap of his father 's vest and reached into the inside pocket . It was quite deep and as he pulled his hand free Michael stirred but did not wake . Two nights later Tom sat in the Pollard 's parlour . ' Yes , it is . ' Hamlet spoke quietly , having sat speechless while Tom told them how he had followed his brother and father up George Street , watched Michael point at the bank and then stolen the key as the two of them slept in an alley . He had gone to the bank first thing the following morning and shown them the key . He told the bank manager that his father was too old to come to town and retrieve the jewellery he had put away years ago for safe keeping . The manager had no qualms about him having access to the safe deposit box , relieved to have someone claim its contents . It was always a dilemma for them to know what to do with unclaimed goods . The small tin box inside was shut tight . Tom had been too anxious to get out of the bank and on his way home to think of opening it there . When he was safely in the train , he considered it , but decided it belonged to Hamlet and Kathryn and they should be the ones to open it . ' I don 't know what to say , ' Hamlet continued , his voice unsteady . Kathryn patted his back and nodded for him to open the box . His heart thumping , he reached out tentatively , afraid what he had longed to see again all these years would not be there . He breathed in deeply , controlling his emotions and took the box in his large hands , prising the edges apart and pulling the top off . Kathryn and Elizabeth leaned forward over the table straining to see . Tom watched Hamlet 's face , silently praying for an expression of joy and not disappointment . When there was a collective gasp around the table , Tom turned his gaze to the box . The glint of gold from inside the box took their breath away . There were numerous gold watches , chains and bracelets , cuff links and a snuff box . They watched as Kathryn gently removed item after item and laid them on the table . The money at the bottom was just as Hamlet had left it . A thin ribbon , now almost decayed , was still tied around a wad of notes . Several coins lay underneath , though perhaps not quite as many as had been there before Michael and Norah 's visit to Campbelltown all those years ago . And amongst the coins … Hamlet 's mother 's sweet face looked up at them from the small gilt - edged brooch . Hamlet looked at the brooch for a long time , tears running down his cheeks . ' See , Elizabeth , ' he said when he could speak . ' It 's the image of you . ' His face broke into a broad smile even as tears continued to drip onto the table . Elizabeth turned on her stool and buried her face in Tom 's chest . ' I can 't believe it , ' she said through her own tears . ' Oh , Tom , thank you . ' Kathryn was also crying . ' You don 't have to thank me , Hamlet . It 's enough to see this back in the family . I 'm just sorry it 's been so long . ' ' Tis here now and in time for Hamlet to pass it to Elizabeth , just as he 's always wanted , ' Kathryn said . ' It was always meant to be a keepsake , so that our children and your children would not forget Hamlet 's mother 's love and trust in her son . Tis a blessing from God that we 've got it back , sure it is . ' ' No , Elizabeth , they 're not . Except for the money . That was our savings , what we were going to buy the farm with . ' She picked up the bundle of notes . It 's still quite a bit of money , Hamlet . ' ' It 's something to give the children now … to help them along . ' He pushed his hands through his hair and rubbed his eyes , still hardly able to believe what he was seeing . He picked up the brooch and studied it lovingly . ' Likely not poor , ' Hamlet said . ' Your father would have targeted the wealthy , picked their pockets on the streets or broken into their homes at night and raided their jewellery boxes . No doubt they 'd have missed these things but there 's nothing personal on any of them to indicate who they might have belonged to . And goodness knows how long they 've been in this box . I doubt your father has been back to Sydney in all these years . ' ' I 'd say they 're Norah 's , ' Hamlet announced after a moment . ' Whatever Michael had should be passed onto her . God knows he gave her little enough over the years . She might as well have these now . She might be able to sell some of it … the watches at least . ' ' I don 't think Norah will want any part of these , ' Kathryn cut in . ' They 're stolen goods . And you know how she felt about Michael 's thieving . It broke her heart . ' ' Yes , I think it would distress her , ' Tom agreed . ' But we are going to have to tell her something . If Elizabeth 's to have this brooch - ' ' I think Ma should keep the brooch for now . You 've not had the enjoyment of it , Ma , ' Elizabeth added quickly , before her mother could object . ' Pa should have the pleasure of his mother 's lovely face for a while . He 's been deprived of it all these years . ' Hamlet smiled gratefully at his daughter . ' It would be nice . ' Reaching for Kathryn 's hand , he grinned . ' But I suspect your mother is not going to agree to it , and I have to admit that to see you have it seems the right thing . ' ' Exactly . ' Kathryn nodded . ' The brooch was always meant for our daughters and our granddaughters . That was your grandmother 's wish , Elizabeth . I had a great deal of pleasure wearing the brooch before it was stolen . Besides , you have daughters of your own now . The years go by very quickly . Catherine and Marianne will be women before you know it and having children of their own . Then it 'll be time to pass it on again . ' Before his daughter could speak again , Hamlet reached out and pinned the brooch to her blouse , his eyes filling again with tears as he stood back and looked at it . Tom patted Elizabeth 's arm gently , signalling she should not argue . Then he turned back to the box . ' What do you suggest we do with the other things ? ' he asked . ' I think Pa 's right . They belong to your mother , ' Elizabeth said . ' At least the benefit of them . I think we should trust her with the truth and let her decide what to do with these things . ' ' Good , and we 'll share the money amongst the children . Not that it 'll be a great deal for each , but something of an inheritance . ' Hamlet sighed . ' Don 't you talk of inheritances , Hamlet Pollard . That 's what family gets when you die . And I 'll not hear of that just yet . ' ' Well , my dear . I 'm nearly seventy . It 's a fair age for children to expect to benefit from their inheritance . What else would we do with it ? We 've everything we need . ' ' We do , my love . But let 's think of this as a gift to our children . Tis a blessing to be able to give them a gift . An inheritance cost much more . ' ' Perhaps not , ' Tom said . ' So let 's assume they don 't know it was me until we learn differently , but we need to be careful all the same . If they were to come back looking for it again … well I 'm not sure what they 're capable of . I know Joseph wants to stay out of it now . I think he might even start work on the railways with me . He 's had enough of Mick and Pa 's antics . ' ' So , the next thing is to talk to your mother … just as soon as she gets home from Forbes . I 'd like to be with you , Tom , ' Kathryn said . ' She 'll find it hard to understand why I kept this from her all these years . I hope she 'll be able to forgive me . I couldn 't bear to lose her friendship . ' ' I doubt that could ever happen , ' Tom assured her . ' Ma 's the forgiving type . I think she 's proved that already . ' To be continued . . . . |
' Not so much odd as a sense of completion , like that part of my work on earth is done . I 'm glad that Suzannah and Johnny and the little ones are living with us though . It reminds me there 's still plenty for me to do . We have eleven grandchildren now , can you believe it ? Tis wonderful for Hamlet . Gives him a good excuse to sit a while instead of working flat out . With a child on his knee he feels very useful . ' ' Yes , I do know that feeling . I 'm so looking forward now to going back to Forbes to see Rebecca 's little ones . It 's hard when they 're not close by . ' ' It sounds like there 's likely to be more little ones out there soon . ' ' True . Once she and Nels are married in November , I 've no doubt there will be more . Who 'd have thought a few years back that Rebecca would be writing to me and telling me she wants me to come and help her prepare for a wedding ? I 'm very excited and so is Mary . She 's insisting on coming with me this time . Bob Atkins said he 'll find someone to fill in and her job will be there when we come back . She 's a great little worker . ' ' Not so little , sure she 's not . ' Kathryn frowned . ' She 's twenty - two and should be looking to be married herself . Hasn 't there been anyone wanting to court her ? ' ' Not a sign of one . I think she meets plenty of young men at the Inn , but apparently not the right one . And I 'm just as pleased . I don 't want her making the mistakes I did … and Rebecca did . I think she 's learned from us . At the moment , she 's chuffed enough being an aunt . ' ' Rebecca is going to be happy , isn 't she ? She is making a good choice now ? ' ' I think so . ' Norah nodded . ' Since she got the news that the children 's father is really dead , she 's more relaxed . It 's awful to say but they 're all better off without the fear of him turning up again . ' ' She wants to have a wedding with all the trimmings , ' Norah continued without acknowledging Kathryn 's remark . ' As much to show the people of Forbes that she 's going to be respectable as anything else , I 'm guessing . She 's determined to live down her reputation . Even started going to church with Nels . I do pray that she 'll find her peace with God and have the support I 've had from our church . That 's my hope for her now . ' As the small party spilled out of St John 's church they were met with a blast of hot air . Norah blinked as her eyes adjusted to the glare and her hand went up to stop her bonnet from being blown from her head . Her full skirt clung to her legs as the wind pushed against her . It was a hot , gusty November day , not unusual for summers in Forbes , the locals said . Their greatest fear was that a fire would sweep across the farmlands , wiping them all out , for there was nothing that would stop a blaze in the tinder dry conditions . There had been no rain to speak of for more months than they cared to count . Norah knew that Rebecca 's life out here would not be easy , not as a farmer 's wife and not as a resident of Forbes . Even now , as she looked across the street , there was a huddle of local women , their interest in the wedding anything but friendly . She could see the disapproval on their faces . ' A woman with five children out of wedlock having the audacity to marry in the church , ' she could imagine them clucking . ' And her in a long cream dress , no less , with a veil and flowers clutched to her waist , parading like a real bride , making a mockery of the decorum with which decent women conduct their lives . ' Norah had overheard such comments around the town as she had bought ribbons and lace for Rebecca 's dress , and searched for the brush and comb set she had eventually settled on to give her as a wedding gift . She was well aware of what the women of this town thought about her daughter and others like her , who they considered had brought upon themselves misery and no end of criticism by their own choices and actions . But that was passed now and Norah prayed that at least some of the people here would give Rebecca a second chance , for surely it was the Christian thing to do . Most of these women , no doubt , paraded into church each Sunday , professing themselves to be godly women . Well , here was a test for them , Norah thought . Could they forgive someone who had offended their sensibilities , who needed Christian charity and was sincerely trying to change to be a better person ? Time would tell . She prayed Rebecca would have the courage and confidence to live out the plans she and Nels had made , with or without the approval of these sharp beaked biddies who were still whispering and twittering across the street . Nels helped Rebecca climb into their cart . He smiled up at her admiringly as her lustrous curls fluttered around her face . Her cheeks were rosy with health and her eyes glowing with happiness . He proudly ushered her five children in behind her before he climbed up beside his new wife . Norah followed with Mary , William and Theresa in a second cart which had been loaned to them by one of the church families . A few of Nels ' friends from the church and the local area waved and whistled as the carts headed down the main street , one of the young women catching the bouquet of flowers that Rebecca threw ceremoniously as she passed the small group of onlookers . Then she turned to the pinched - faced huddle on the other side of the street and waved , laughing over the clatter of the string of tin cans that had been tied to the back of their cart . The women pulled back , their mouths pursing , their hands grabbing at their shopping baskets as if they were afraid of being assaulted . Or perhaps afraid they had been caught in the act of unchristian gossip , Norah thought , smiling at the courage of her daughter . Perhaps she would survive here just fine . As the family settled back into their chairs and cushions on the floor , their stomachs bulging from the spread that Norah had prepared before the ceremony , Norah glanced around the cottage that Nels had lovingly built for Rebecca . He had lived in little more than a tent when he arrived , using strips of bark and rough planks to protect himself from the worst of the weather and the animals that foraged for food wherever their noses led them . But gradually , he gathered the stones and wood , and bought the other materials needed to build what was a comfortable and cosy cottage for his bride and the five children to whom he would now become father . It was quite an undertaking , Norah acknowledged to herself , one that gave her confidence that Nels would take good care of her daughter and her grandchildren . He was young and strong and obviously totally in love with Rebecca , who sat in one of the two large soft armchairs that Nels had brought home last week , insisting they would be kept for he and his wife to rest in at the end of the day . They would discuss their plans and their problems from these chairs , he had said proudly . They would warm themselves by the large fire in the corner , drink tea and remind each other how fortunate they were and what a fine life they would build . He had said all this in the short speech that he made earlier , having carried Rebecca across the threshold of the cottage as Mrs Glander for the first time . The children had all clapped , delighted to see their mother so happy and in awe of the room which would be theirs to sleep in . It was the first time that they had been in a house with a plank floor , having always lived on packed dirt . They kept tapping their boots on the boards , amused by the noise they could make as they walked across the room . Even having boots was a novelty , for they had spent most of their childhood barefooted . They had gradually spread themselves more spaciously around the table as they had eaten dinner , surprised to find that the long benches on either side of the wooden ' Perhaps , ' Rebecca mused . ' I always thought Tom was a clever boy . Not that I ever let him know that . ' She grinned sheepishly . ' But he was very bossy and … I guess I was jealous of him . It 's hard for me to see my Thomas like that . He certainly rounds the other children up here and makes them help , but he 's not smart like Tom . He can 't read or anything . ' She shook her head . ' There are no schools out this way and I 'd hardly be able to take him into Forbes . We 'd be thrown out , for sure . ' ' Then you don 't know how smart he is , do you ? Tis just a chance he needs , sure it is . Like the rest of them . They need to be learning , Rebecca . ' ' Why ? ' Rebecca bristled a little . ' They 'll probably just go onto the land , like most other boys around here . It 's more important they learn to ride a horse than read a book . ' ' No , tis not , ' Norah insisted . ' They may not want to be farmers . They may want to travel to the big towns and work there . They might want to be teachers or doctors . ' ' Ma . ' Rebecca chortled . ' You always did have such notions . I 'll be happy if they get alongside Nels and help him with this farm . He has plans to grow wheat and get some more cattle . He 'll need all the children to help . ' ' I was just telling Rebecca how important it is for young children to learn to read and write , ' Norah explained , yawning . It had been a long day and she was ready for sleep . It had been a wonderful time here helping Rebecca prepare for her marriage , but now she was looking forward to getting back to her own room in Wiseman 's Creek . It was time for this little family of her daughter 's to get on with their own lives . ' I agree , Ma , ' Mary said quietly , sitting on the chair beside her mother . ' That 's why I 've decided to stay here . ' She smiled innocently , as if it had been something everyone was prepared for . ' Nels and I have been discussing it , ' Mary said . ' I said I 'd like to stay and help with the children . Rebecca could do with another pair of hands and I could teach the children to read and write as well . ' It seemed a simple and obvious solution to Mary . ' What do you think , Rebecca ? We never did have much time together as sisters and I think I could help you a lot . ' ' Why , it would be wonderful . ' Rebecca sat up , her face breaking into a wide smile . ' I 'd love it . Yes , I think it 's a grand idea . ' Norah sat back . Her first thought was that she was to lose another daughter . But then she turned to Rebecca and saw the look of gratitude on her face . Rebecca was overwhelmed , clearly not thinking that she deserved such grace from her sister . Yes , it would be good for her , not only to have help with the children but to receive the love and acceptance her sister was showing and to know that she was worthy of it , no matter how much she had held her family at bay these past years . It would be a new chapter in her daughters ' lives . A good chapter . ' Well . ' Norah sighed , satisfied . ' That 's decided then . ' ' Gwandma , Gwandma . ' Young Catherine ran to the door to welcome her grandmother home from Forbes . Norah dropped to her knees to receive the five - year - old 's hug . ' Tis so good to see you , my sweet . My , I think you 've grown while I 've been away . ' Norah followed the little girl to a chair in the parlour and dropped into it gratefully before carefully examining and marvelling over the drawings her granddaughter produced . Within minutes , Elizabeth appeared with a pot of tea on a tray . Marianne was walking slowly behind her mother , her eyes trained on the small plate of biscuits she was carrying . Norah grinned as she watched little Rebecca , now fifteen months old , pull herself up on the arm of the chair and reach for a biscuit the minute her sister had laid them down on the small table . ' So , do you think this one will look like her namesake , Ma ? ' Tom said after hearing how beautiful his sister had looked at her wedding . He drew his youngest daughter onto his knee . ' She doesn 't have your sister 's dark curls , does she ? ' Norah smiled at the infant 's pale brown hair . ' Not Gwandma 's , ' Catherine piped in authoritatively . ' Gwandma 's hair is grey … isn 't it , Gwandma ? ' The little girl turned to Norah , looking for agreement . ' It is now , my darling , so it is . ' Norah pushed her fingers through her still thick hair . ' But once it was red just like yours . ' ' Well , your daddy 's hair is more like his … Pa 's . ' Norah faltered . She noticed Tom tense . ' It seems the time is coming when there 'll be difficult questions to answer , ' she said quietly across the child 's head . ' Hmm , ' Tom murmured . ' Now , Catherine , did you show Grandma all those beautiful pictures you drew ? ' ' Me too , ' Marianne attempted to push her older sister aside and nestle into her grandmother 's knee . The interruption distracted Catherine from her question and she focussed on competing with her younger sister for their grandmother 's attention . Elizabeth chucked Rebecca under the chin and smiled warmly at her mother - in - law . ' I just hope this little one gives us as much pleasure as her name sake is now giving you . It must have been a wonderful day for you to see Rebecca happily married . ' Between biscuits and more cups of tea , Tom and Elizabeth listened to Theresa 's and William 's stories of their time in Forbes , the gestures of the two older children keeping the little ones amply entertained throughout . When the chatter slowed , Tom suggested they go out the back and have a play before dinner , and then he turned to his mother . ' Have you decided what you 're going to do with that jewellery from the box , Ma ? ' ' Oh , that again . I 'd like to take it to the police and hand it in . Tis stolen property , after all . But that would surely spell more trouble for your father . I 'm not wanting to do that , even though I know he deserves it . I couldn 't possibly benefit from it , though , Tom . All those years I tried to get him to change his ways … perhaps I didn 't try hard enough . But now I couldn 't bring myself to use things he stole from other people . I still have trouble thinking about the gold we found in his coat being used to fix up this house . It just doesn 't seem right . ' ' I understand , Ma , but how could I possibly find out who really owned that . I wouldn 't know which of the men after Pa were robbers themselves and which had really dug for those nuggets . It 's even harder to imagine how the jewellery in that box could ever be returned to the people it belongs to . It would be impossible after all this time for even the police to establish that . And what difference would it make if they went after Pa for it ? He could be charged with so many thefts . Sooner or later , something will catch up with him . Or he 'll completely lose his mind and have to be locked up anyway . ' ' It 's a sad end , Tom . ' ' But hardly surprising , Ma . In the end you won 't be able to prevent him having to face the consequences of his life … in this world , or the next . ' ' I think Hamlet 's right . Pa 's children might well do with getting something from their father 's life . Not me , of course . I 've all I need . But what about Theresa ? Or Mary … now that she 's embarking on a new life out there at Forbes ? Or Rebecca ? She and Nels might like a bit of help . Joseph and Mick can work for what they need . They don 't deserve to benefit from his thieving . Not after they aided Pa in some of his later escapades . And William , well I suspect he 'd rather earn his own way as well . ' ' Oh , Ma , don 't put it like that . I just thought perhaps they could do with some help . But on second thought , I guess their husbands would prefer to support them by other means . Of course we don 't know when Mary or Theresa will have husbands , do we ? ' ' Mary could meet someone any time now , but it 's a long way off for Theresa , seeing as she 's only ten . She actually found the jewellery just before we went to Forbes and was parading around in one of the necklaces as if she was a queen with the crown jewels . She 's not had too many pretty things . But I still don 't want her wearing something her father stole from some poor woman . ' ' It 's up to you , Ma . But it won 't do to leave it around the house too long . As you see , Theresa found it . We can 't hide it forever . What did you tell her about it ? ' ' The truth . I couldn 't lie to her . She seemed hardly affected at all . Tis the only kind of thing she 's heard about her father all her life , sadly enough . ' ' Well , I hope she doesn 't say anything to Joseph . I didn 't tell him what was in the box besides the brooch and I don 't think he needs to know . He does seem to have settled down but I 'd not want to tempt him too much . And I certainly don 't want Mick finding out about it . Goodness knows what he 'd do . ' ' Do you think you 'll be able to put the past behind you now , Tom ? ' ' What do you mean ? ' ' I mean will you be able to let go of your anger with your father and your brother ? ' ' I 'm trying to put it behind me , Ma . But forgive is a pretty strong word . I don 't believe my father deserves forgiveness . ' ' Perhaps , but then , who of us really does ? We all do wrong one way or another . ' ' Most of our wrongs hardly compare to Pa 's . ' Tom shook his head . ' He 's followed every wrong path he could find since he was a young boy , don 't you think ? And Mick may not be much different , I 'm afraid . ' ' Now , Tom , please don 't have Mick judged so harshly before he 's even a man . We don 't know that he won 't turn his life around , as Joseph has done . We must hold out hope for him . ' Her voice wavered as she thought about Mick . ' But even as far as your father 's concerned , ultimately tis not up to us to judge him . That 's a job for God alone . Ours ' is to forgive … for our own sakes , if not for his . ' ' I don 't know how you can think like that , Ma … after all he put you through . ' Norah could hear the hardness in her son 's voice . ' He put all of us through a great deal , Tom . And I 'd never say it wasn 't wrong of him . He 's caused a lot of heartache and provided little of what I 'd hoped for from a husband and father . But to harbour resentment would only bring us further heartache and trouble . We must let it go if we 're to have a happy future . Heaven knows , he needs our prayers more than anyone . He 's a scoundrel but he was spoiled early . Only God can help him . ' ' We can 't always wait for a person to change before we forgive , Tom . ' Norah sighed deeply , feeling the years of pain . ' I 'm sorry for the past . But I want us to be free to enjoy the future . ' Tom pushed his hair from his forehead and took a deep breath . ' Well , let 's just concentrate on the wonderful things ahead , then , eh ? Lizzie and I have some news . We 're pretty sure , aren 't we , sweetheart ? ' He turned and smiled warmly at Elizabeth . ' Looks like we 'll be having another child next year . This time I 'm praying for a son … for Lizzie 's sake . ' He squeezed her hand and her face lit up . ' Do you think God might grant her that ? ' ' I wouldn 't be surprised , Tom . He 's very gracious . ' ' Oh , oh , they 're back . ' Elizabeth laughed as Rebecca bounced gleefully at the sight of her sisters coming back into the room . ' That 's her brooch , ' Catherine exclaimed , as if it should be perfectly obvious . ' With her picture on it . See ? ' She moved close enough to her mother to point at the brooch which was pinned to the top of her blouse . ' Of course it 's hard to understand , my sweet . ' Norah drew the little girl back into her arms and kissed her lightly on the cheek . ' It 's hard to imagine people from such a long time ago , isn 't it ? But one day I 'll tell you all about your great grandmother Pollard . She was a very special lady and that brooch is a precious treasure . One day you 'll understand , I promise . ' You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and you feel the power to wish them well . Lewis B . Smedes ' First things first . I 've never felt so grimy in my life . Tis a desert out there , so it is , ' she said as she headed for the outhouse . Tom heard her ask William to get the kerosene boiler going so she could have some hot water . Later , with a steaming cup of tea in her hands , her face gleaming from the scrubbing that she had given it , her fresh clothes neat and tidy , she sat at the kitchen table . ' I 'm sorry to keep you all in suspense . You know if it had been bad news , I 'd not have kept you waiting . ' She laughed and Tom could see that his mother was happier than she 'd been in years . ' Rebecca 's doing well . At least she will be . I think we 'll be hearing that she 's getting married before too long . ' ' She does . Five of them . ' Norah paused while Elizabeth gasped and then told them about Rebecca 's years at Wowingong . ' It 's been awful for her but I think she 's really learned from it . She 's different , softer . I didn 't think so when I first arrived but she was hurt because she thought I 'd let her down . Once we sorted that out , we got along really well . God really answered my prayers . ' Norah smiled and her face lit up , the tiredness seeming to drop away . ' I had to go back to the old man in the post office and tell him what a lovely reunion we 'd had for he was worried he 'd sent me on a very sad mission . ' ' I don 't know how you did it , Ma . ' Tom shook his head . He was full of admiration for his mother . ' The best part is I met Nels , ' she continued . ' He came to the house - shack actually - it made our old place here look like a palace . No front door so the mosquitoes came out of the salt bush at night and swarmed into the place and there were fleas in the mattresses , a plague I 'd say . The older children were healthy enough because they 'd been eating raw vegetables out of the garden but the little ones were on the verge of scurvy , and Rebecca as well . Hopefully , we sorted out what she needs to do about all that and I think the children will keep her to it . They 've a lot of spunk . She called the eldest Thomas and my word , he 's a lot like you , son . ' She paused and patted Tom 's hand fondly . ' And her daughter , Mabel , well she 's the spitting image of her mother , in looks and attitude , so Rebecca will get a good taste of what that 's like . But I believe they 'll make it now . It was the good Lord 's providence that I found her . It meant a lot to her that I went . ' ' He came to visit the day after I got there . He 's a very caring young man and I believe just what Rebecca needs . He 's quite determined to marry her . She 's a little wary but I think she 'll come around . She knows she needs someone solid and reliable in her life . She ought to have learned that from her experience with her father but tis sad how often we repeat history . ' ' She 's not coming back then ? ' Elizabeth said . ' I doubt it . She says she 's made a mess out there and she needs to work it out there . She 'll have a lot of criticism to face if she starts going into Forbes . She 'll probably never get in good with some of the locals but Nels doesn 't care . He 's had to face that himself just because he 's a foreigner in their eyes … although heaven knows we 're all foreigners , aren 't we ? ' ' Sounds to me like she 's done some growing up , ' Tom nodded . He was glad for his sister , and really happy for his mother . ' We have some news too , Ma , ' he grinned wryly . ' Very good , ' he began . ' But you have to wait ' til tomorrow , ' Elizabeth said quickly . ' Ma wants to be here when we tell you . ' ' Harriet then ? Or one of your brothers , Elizabeth ? Someone must be having a baby . ' Norah persisted . ' We 've not heard if any of them are having another baby yet . ' Elizabeth laughed . ' Well , it must be Annie then . Is she getting married to one of those Quinn boys ? She 's always over there from what Kathryn says , and she 's convinced it 's not only to play aunt to Isabel 's little ones . ' Norah thought for a moment . Her eyes lit up . ' It 's Joseph , isn 't it ? He 's going to work with you , isn 't he ? ' Then she stopped and thought again . ' But why would Kathryn need to be here to hear that ? ' Tom and Elizabeth both shook their heads and laughed loudly . ' You 'll just have to wait and see . It 's only one night . You 've had to wait a lot longer for most of your good news over the years . Now , who 's for another cup of tea ? ' Elizabeth clapped her hands together gleefully . ' Dear God , have mercy , ' Norah gasped when Kathryn had finished . ' I 'm so ashamed . I 'm so sorry . Tom , I thought you said it was good news . ' ' I 'm shocked , ' she said at last . ' I 'm so sad to think what your father stole from Hamlet . Poor man . No wonder it 's been so hard for him all these years . And you , Kathryn , why did you not tell me ? How could you bear to have me in your life … after what my husband did ? ' ' You were my dearest friend , Norah . I knew you had no knowledge of what Michael had done and I wasn 't going to let it come between us . And I knew if I told you , it would be that much harder for you to deal with Michael . Hamlet and I agreed it was best not to say anything . We had no hope of getting the brooch back … until Tom found out about it . He 's been wonderful . We 're so grateful . ' ' So God has answered quite a few prayers in this last few weeks , hasn 't He , Norah ? ' Kathryn reached for her hand . ' He certainly has . ' Norah shook her head . ' I can hardly believe it all . ' ' You 'll be able to take this . Joseph is going to work with me at the railway . He starts next week , and he might even move back in here with us . ' The following day , Joseph came home . Norah hardly recognised him . He had obviously bathed and chopped at his hair , which was now a shock of coffee coloured waves , pushed back from his forehead . He had a youthful beard , which was also trimmed . His clothes had been washed , of sorts , Norah noticed , although they were still raggy . And most of the mud had been scraped from his battered boots . ' You 've grown up , just as I prayed you would . ' ' I 've been taller than you for a long time , Ma . ' He grinned cheekily . She hugged him for the second time since he 'd walked in the door . When he stood back , looking slightly uncomfortable , she said . ' But tell me , how is your brother ? How is Mick ? It must have been a hard experience for him in Sydney . Do you think he 's learned his lesson ? ' Norah was hopeful , buoyed by all that had happened recently . ' When he and Pa woke up in the alley in Sydney , they knew they 'd been robbed , of course . Pa apparently went berserk . Mick said he could hardly hold him down . He ran down the street cursin ' and screamin ' , thrashin ' about like a madman . Which is what the two policemen who finally held him down said he was . He 'd knocked over three people and badly hurt one woman who was carryin ' a baby at the time . Then he ran like crazy across the street and caused a horse to rear up . The rider got thrown to the ground . He wasn 't hurt too bad but he was so angry with Pa that the two of ' em ended up in a fist fight . The other man was much younger an ' pretty easily overpowered Pa . That 's when the police caught him and took him away . Mick said he kicked and punched at ' em all the way to the police station , an ' then made such a scene in the lock up that the magistrate ordered him taken to George Street Asylum . ' ' They were goin ' to assess him there when he calmed down . Mick was put in the lock up overnight while the police tried to make sense of what was goin ' on . He was so afraid of being locked away himself that he cooperated with the police and said he didn 't know what had set Pa off , that the old man had shown signs of losin ' his mind for quite a while . They let Mick go and he spent a couple of days of sleepin ' in alleys and eatin ' out of garbage bins before he went back to the asylum . He said Pa was sittin ' in a chair , just starin ' into space . A nurse told Mick it was the drugs he 'd been given , that they 'd take him off it soon and see how sane he was . Mick was really scared . When he went back the next day , they let Pa out and the two of ' em hightailed it back here as fast as they could . Then they took off for up north . ' ' Mick went with Michael again ? ' Norah asked , disappointed . ' I told ' em I was goin ' to stay here and get work on the railways . They both called me a few nasty names , but then they said I could suit myself … and they left . I worry about Mick but he 's fifteen now . I can 't be lookin ' after him any longer . ' ' No , Joseph , that 's not your job . It was mine … and your father 's . You must let him go now . ' Norah 's eyes welled up . She knew she was talking to herself as much as her son . ' But Mick will have to learn the hard way now . ' ' He 's been doing that already , I think . ' Norah sighed . ' I just hope and pray he learns some good things along the way , for he 's surely learning a lot of bad things . But I can do no more at the moment than pray for him . Right now , I 'm just giving thanks for you , and for Rebecca . You did hear about your sister , didn 't you ? ' Joseph nodded , a slight grin softening his rugged face . ' I 've you to thank for that , Joseph . If you hadn 't come to tell me where she was I 'd be none the wiser . So thank you so much . ' She reached across the table and took his hands , squeezing them warmly . He made no attempt to remove his hands from hers , and even under the tanned , whiskered face she could see him blushing . Her son was home . Reticent and weary , but home . Tom realised that Joseph had kept one part of the story from their mother and thought it was right to do so . A shiver of dread crept up his spine as he recalled Joseph 's fear about Mick 's final words to Joseph . ' This is not over , ' he 'd said . ' If my brother still thinks I 'm stupid , he has another thing coming . ' The following year was a parade of new babies . Both Kathryn 's daughters - in - law as well as Harriet gave birth again before the middle of the year and in August Elizabeth had her third daughter . It had been another difficult birth and a slow recovery for Elizabeth , although Norah guessed that part of her daughter - in - law 's lethargy following the baby 's arrival was her disappointment that she hadn 't given birth to a son as both Isabel and Harriet had . ' I 'm so pleased they 've called this one Rebecca . ' Norah and Kathryn were exchanging baby news . ' Tis a sign that Tom has been able to forgive his sister . He was very angry with her for all those years after she ran off . He knew how much it was hurting me . But he wasn 't really surprised that she had to find her own way in the world . She was far too headstrong to grow up gracefully … or compliantly . ' Norah chuckled softly , rocking baby Rebecca in her arms . ' Let 's hope this one is a little more like her mother or father in nature . ' ' She 'll be beautiful . Already is , ' Kathryn cooed . ' This grandparenting is such a lovely time in our lives , isn 't it ? I intend to enjoy every minute of it . ' ' Yes , you should , Kathryn . I 'm very contented right now , too . All is not perfect , but I feel very blessed . I 've just a couple more requests of the good Lord that I hope He 'll grant me this side of heaven . ' The two figures entering the train were oblivious to the stares that their scruffy appearance was attracting . Three passengers moved to the back of the carriage after a few minutes of sitting behind them , their noses pinched , their eyes rolling . One small boy remarked loudly to his mother that the men surely needed a bath . She referred to the pungent odour they were all enduring as an example of what would happen to him if he should resist the soaping she insisted he have every other day . The ticket officer checked the tickets twice , baffled as to how the pair had afforded the fare . Mick was busy looking out the window , enjoying the passing bushland . He had contemplated this trip for months now and the thought of retrieving the haul that he was sure his Pa had stashed away , left a greedy smirk on his face . Joseph had refused to come with them so , to Mick 's mind that meant the rewards would be cut two ways . Joseph had gone soft lately , he reckoned . Probably letting their mother get to him , the way Tom had , and it made Mick determined that he would never let any woman take over his life . He couldn 't imagine ever getting married and he had no intention of getting back under his mother 's thumb . It would be just him and his Pa now … at least for a while . He felt sure that his Pa wouldn 't go back with his mother again . And he didn 't seem to have any inclination to hitch up with any other woman . Not that he could imagine his Pa attracting a woman any more . In fact , it was pretty clear to him that his Pa was on the way out , for the old man constantly dribbled and rambled into his beard , even when there was not a person in sight . He would go into rages at the drop of a hat , ranting about someone after him , which was entirely possible , given the number of times they had tricked stupid miners out of their gold or stolen money from them right under their noses . Once a man was drunk , he was an easy roll and usually didn 't know anything was missing till long after Mick and his father were on their way . A real chip off the old They arrived in Sydney late in the evening , darkness slowly enveloping the city , except for the occasional circle of lamp light along George Street . The carriages and carts and horses were thinning as they wandered down the wide street . Michael stared in amazement at the buildings , as if he had never seen any of it before . ' But I thought you lived ' ere for years , ' Mick questioned when his father mumbled about being lost . ' I did , yer daft beggar . But it were over twenty years ago . Tis changed , so it ' as . I can 't tell what 's what in this light . In the mornin ' it 'll be clear . You 'll see . I 'll know what I 'm lookin ' for . ' ' Ah , you 'll be waiting to see what 's what , sure you will . Don 't be touchy about it , or you 'll never know . ' Michael let out a loud , half crazed laugh . The few people that were still on the street glared at him suspiciously and Mick hurried him along . It was a warm night , the city air sticky and strong with the scent of horses ' droppings . ' I need a drink , ' Michael hissed . His eyes scanned the street searching for a familiar sight . A few moments later , he stopped in front of a small pub . He rifled about in the pocket of his pants , dragging out the last of the coins he had stuffed into it after buying the train ticket . He held them up to the fading light and ascertained that there would be enough to buy a bottle of rum , then disappeared into the pub for a few minutes and came out with a bottle protectively under his arm . ' For later , ' Mick heard him mumble as he patted the bottle and nodded for his son to keep going . George Street seemed unending to Mick as they trudged on , his father 's face vague . He was beginning to worry that this might be a wild goose chase when his father spoke again . ' Ah . ' Michael let out a knowing sigh as they came to a cross street . ' What is it ? ' Mick looked about , then back to his father . ' There it be , ' Michael said , nodding at the building across the street . He pointed to a large brick frontage with imposing doors , now closed , but suggesting wealth and power , over which Mick could see something written in broad letters . He could not read it . It hardly looked like a place his father would use to hide something . He wondered if the old man had really lost his mind altogether . ' There it be , ' Michael called loudly . His laugh was more of a screech , his enjoyment of the moment seeming demented . Mick pushed him across the road and past the building , the two of them narrowly avoiding ploughing into a man and woman walking down the street arm in arm . They both stood aside quickly , their faces registering contempt as they hurried on . ' Watch this , ' Michael hissed , his face suddenly trained on a man coming towards them dressed in a tailored coat and top hat . The man swung a cane by his leg jauntily , looking as if he had had a very good day . That was about to be spoiled , Mick had time to think before his father threw himself sideways into the man , almost knocking him to the ground . The two jostled for a few moments while Michael righted himself , grabbing at the other man who was trying to straighten himself up . He brushed down his clothes , obviously appalled at the smell and grubbiness of the drunken fool who had run into him . ' For God 's sake , watch your step , old man . You 're disgusting . Get out of my way . ' The man grimaced as he spoke , backing away as soon as he had his balance , barely able to contain himself long enough to reprimand the vagrant . ' You both should be ashamed . ' He turned his glare onto Mick as he put distance between himself and the two of them , rounding the corner before he had finished his sentence . ' Pa , you devil . You 'll ' ave the police on us . Let 's get out of ' ere , quick . ' Mick dragged his father along the street until they came to an alley . They both ducked off the main road and collapsed onto the dirt , pulling their feet back from the stream of what was likely effluent running along the edge of the building . Michael was puffing but still laughing . ' Tis good , Mick . Tis good to be back . Old Michael 's still got it , eh ? I 've missed these old alleys , so I have . Tis ' ere a man can do what ' e 's best at , eh ? ' ' Never mind that , Pa . You get some rest . We 've got things to be about come mornin ' . An ' then we 'll be out of ' ere , back to where we belong . ' ' Ah , but tis ' ere I belong , Mick . Tis ' ere I belong . ' Michael slumped down against the stone wall and drew up his feet , folding his arms over his chest , patting the small bulge of the watch in his fob pocket . There was very little sound now , just the occasional cursing of another homeless , lurching man looking for a place to curl up in the back streets to sleep off the belly full of drink that he had consumed . Mick huddled close to his father , his arm across the pocket of the old man 's vest lest someone attack them and steal their means of getting their prize . Michael turned his attention to the bottle of rum under his arm . He sniffed the uncorked rum and sighed loudly . ' Can I ' ave some , too ? ' Mick said wearily . His father occasionally gave him a nip these days . A boy had to learn to hold his liquor , he was fond of saying . ' You 'll not be drinkin ' all of that by yourself , now will yer ? ' Mick held out his hand . Michael passed the bottle to his son , watched as he gulped at it , then pulled it back to his own mouth . Between them they emptied the bottle within minutes and settled down into a slack heap of arms and legs , leaning into each other and sliding further down the wall slowly until they were sprawled on the ground deep in sleep . Tom was sure neither of them had noticed him walking down George Street on the opposite side of the street , watching them unobtrusively , his hat low over his forehead , his head turned carefully to avoid his face being seen by them . Seeing them now huddled against the wall , he quietly crossed the street half a block beyond the alley and slowly made his way back towards it . He thought how much they looked alike , lying there , his father 's upper body resting across his brother 's back , their faces crumpled , their dark hair trailing from under their hats . The smell was foul , though obviously appealing to rodents , Tom mused , as he watched a rat approach , its nose twitching . It crawled carefully across his father 's boot and started up the leg of his pants , its tiny face turning this way and that , oblivious to its audience . It sniffed around Michael 's pocket and neckchief , even poked its snout into the matted mass of beard . Michael snored loudly , undisturbed , and the rat turned and ran quickly across his chest and onto the ground , finding the stream of stinking waste on the other side of the alley more palatable . Tom carefully pulled open the flap of his father 's vest and reached into the inside pocket . It was quite deep and as he pulled his hand free Michael stirred but did not wake . Two nights later Tom sat in the Pollard 's parlour . ' Yes , it is . ' Hamlet spoke quietly , having sat speechless while Tom told them how he had followed his brother and father up George Street , watched Michael point at the bank and then stolen the key as the two of them slept in an alley . He had gone to the bank first thing the following morning and shown them the key . He told the bank manager that his father was too old to come to town and retrieve the jewellery he had put away years ago for safe keeping . The manager had no qualms about him having access to the safe deposit box , relieved to have someone claim its contents . It was always a dilemma for them to know what to do with unclaimed goods . The small tin box inside was shut tight . Tom had been too anxious to get out of the bank and on his way home to think of opening it there . When he was safely in the train , he considered it , but decided it belonged to Hamlet and Kathryn and they should be the ones to open it . ' I don 't know what to say , ' Hamlet continued , his voice unsteady . Kathryn patted his back and nodded for him to open the box . His heart thumping , he reached out tentatively , afraid what he had longed to see again all these years would not be there . He breathed in deeply , controlling his emotions and took the box in his large hands , prising the edges apart and pulling the top off . Kathryn and Elizabeth leaned forward over the table straining to see . Tom watched Hamlet 's face , silently praying for an expression of joy and not disappointment . When there was a collective gasp around the table , Tom turned his gaze to the box . The glint of gold from inside the box took their breath away . There were numerous gold watches , chains and bracelets , cuff links and a snuff box . They watched as Kathryn gently removed item after item and laid them on the table . The money at the bottom was just as Hamlet had left it . A thin ribbon , now almost decayed , was still tied around a wad of notes . Several coins lay underneath , though perhaps not quite as many as had been there before Michael and Norah 's visit to Campbelltown all those years ago . And amongst the coins … Hamlet 's mother 's sweet face looked up at them from the small gilt - edged brooch . Hamlet looked at the brooch for a long time , tears running down his cheeks . ' See , Elizabeth , ' he said when he could speak . ' It 's the image of you . ' His face broke into a broad smile even as tears continued to drip onto the table . Elizabeth turned on her stool and buried her face in Tom 's chest . ' I can 't believe it , ' she said through her own tears . ' Oh , Tom , thank you . ' Kathryn was also crying . ' You don 't have to thank me , Hamlet . It 's enough to see this back in the family . I 'm just sorry it 's been so long . ' ' Tis here now and in time for Hamlet to pass it to Elizabeth , just as he 's always wanted , ' Kathryn said . ' It was always meant to be a keepsake , so that our children and your children would not forget Hamlet 's mother 's love and trust in her son . Tis a blessing from God that we 've got it back , sure it is . ' ' No , Elizabeth , they 're not . Except for the money . That was our savings , what we were going to buy the farm with . ' She picked up the bundle of notes . It 's still quite a bit of money , Hamlet . ' ' It 's something to give the children now … to help them along . ' He pushed his hands through his hair and rubbed his eyes , still hardly able to believe what he was seeing . He picked up the brooch and studied it lovingly . ' Likely not poor , ' Hamlet said . ' Your father would have targeted the wealthy , picked their pockets on the streets or broken into their homes at night and raided their jewellery boxes . No doubt they 'd have missed these things but there 's nothing personal on any of them to indicate who they might have belonged to . And goodness knows how long they 've been in this box . I doubt your father has been back to Sydney in all these years . ' ' I 'd say they 're Norah 's , ' Hamlet announced after a moment . ' Whatever Michael had should be passed onto her . God knows he gave her little enough over the years . She might as well have these now . She might be able to sell some of it … the watches at least . ' ' I don 't think Norah will want any part of these , ' Kathryn cut in . ' They 're stolen goods . And you know how she felt about Michael 's thieving . It broke her heart . ' ' Yes , I think it would distress her , ' Tom agreed . ' But we are going to have to tell her something . If Elizabeth 's to have this brooch - ' ' I think Ma should keep the brooch for now . You 've not had the enjoyment of it , Ma , ' Elizabeth added quickly , before her mother could object . ' Pa should have the pleasure of his mother 's lovely face for a while . He 's been deprived of it all these years . ' Hamlet smiled gratefully at his daughter . ' It would be nice . ' Reaching for Kathryn 's hand , he grinned . ' But I suspect your mother is not going to agree to it , and I have to admit that to see you have it seems the right thing . ' ' Exactly . ' Kathryn nodded . ' The brooch was always meant for our daughters and our granddaughters . That was your grandmother 's wish , Elizabeth . I had a great deal of pleasure wearing the brooch before it was stolen . Besides , you have daughters of your own now . The years go by very quickly . Catherine and Marianne will be women before you know it and having children of their own . Then it 'll be time to pass it on again . ' Before his daughter could speak again , Hamlet reached out and pinned the brooch to her blouse , his eyes filling again with tears as he stood back and looked at it . Tom patted Elizabeth 's arm gently , signalling she should not argue . Then he turned back to the box . ' What do you suggest we do with the other things ? ' he asked . ' I think Pa 's right . They belong to your mother , ' Elizabeth said . ' At least the benefit of them . I think we should trust her with the truth and let her decide what to do with these things . ' ' Good , and we 'll share the money amongst the children . Not that it 'll be a great deal for each , but something of an inheritance . ' Hamlet sighed . ' Don 't you talk of inheritances , Hamlet Pollard . That 's what family gets when you die . And I 'll not hear of that just yet . ' ' Well , my dear . I 'm nearly seventy . It 's a fair age for children to expect to benefit from their inheritance . What else would we do with it ? We 've everything we need . ' ' We do , my love . But let 's think of this as a gift to our children . Tis a blessing to be able to give them a gift . An inheritance cost much more . ' ' Perhaps not , ' Tom said . ' So let 's assume they don 't know it was me until we learn differently , but we need to be careful all the same . If they were to come back looking for it again … well I 'm not sure what they 're capable of . I know Joseph wants to stay out of it now . I think he might even start work on the railways with me . He 's had enough of Mick and Pa 's antics . ' ' So , the next thing is to talk to your mother … just as soon as she gets home from Forbes . I 'd like to be with you , Tom , ' Kathryn said . ' She 'll find it hard to understand why I kept this from her all these years . I hope she 'll be able to forgive me . I couldn 't bear to lose her friendship . ' ' I doubt that could ever happen , ' Tom assured her . ' Ma 's the forgiving type . I think she 's proved that already . ' To be continued . . . . |
As he turned the key in the lock of the door to his apartment , Lee Crane finally let himself give in to the exhaustion that he had been fighting . He put his bag down just inside the door and , after closing the door , crossed over to the couch without even turning on the lights . He lay down on the couch and closed his eyes . He would just rest for a minute , he decided , and then he would unpack and stow all his things the way his deeply ingrained Navy discipline demanded . It had been a long mission , not particularly dangerous , but Chip and several other crew members had suffered a bout of flu , and while Lee had avoided the bug , he had pulled many extra duty shifts while his Exec was ill . Then , they had lost a crew member . Ken Merrill , a recent addition to the crew , had died when an undetected aneurysm in his aorta burst . He had been on watch in the Control Room when it happened . The Captain had been the one to catch him when he collapsed and Merrill had died in his arms . Jamison said that it was a congenital defect and that no one could have saved him . Lee didn 't blame himself for this death as he did when a crewman died as a result of his command decision , but he did feel the death very deeply because he cared about all the men who served under his command . The young man 's death also affected him in another way . Lee was used to risking his life for his country , or his ship and crew , and while he valued his life , he was willing to lose his life to save things he believed in . Seeing a man lose his life so suddenly , when there was no danger , no one to save , was a bit sobering to Lee . He needed some time to think about it . Fortunately , he had some time . The Seaview would be docked in Santa Barbara for two weeks and everyone had been given shoreleave . The crew had been given two weeks , but the officers only had a week and then they would begin preparations for the next mission . Admiral Nelson had been asked to speak at a conference and had left for the airport immediately after Seaview docked while Chip had gone to visit his family . Both had asked him to come with them and he knew it was because they were worried about him . He had declined both offers . There was no reason for them to worry . All he needed was some time alone to rest and to think and he would be ready and eager for Seaview 's next mission . Just as he was thinking that he should really get up and unpack , his phone rang . He answered it and then listened intently to the voice on the other end . His tone terse , he said only , " I 'll be right there , " and quickly got up and left his apartment . It was barely 0700 hours when Admiral Nelson entered his office . He was anxious to get to work planning Seaview 's next mission . His paper at the conference had been well received and he had enjoyed talking with his scientific colleagues , but it was good to be home . He was also anxious to talk to Lee . He had gotten in early enough last night to try and call Lee , but he had been unable to reach him . It really was very strange - - he had received a recorded message saying that Lee 's phone had been disconnected . Of course , it was probably just a mistake . Being at sea so much it was easy to overlook details like phone bills . Most likely Lee just missed paying the bill and the phone had been disconnected too late on Friday to get it straightened out for the weekend . Despite this rational explanation , he was still troubled by a nagging concern . It wasn 't like Lee to let something like this happen . The Admiral knew that the last mission had been hard on Lee . He 'd been tired from pulling the double watches and then to have Merrill die so suddenly - - . He wished Lee had come with him to the conference . Being home alone brooding over the crewman 's death couldn 't have been good for him . As soon as he got settled in his office , he 'd go to Lee 's office to see him . Knowing his Captain , he was sure he 'd be in early . Sitting in the chair behind his desk , the Admiral quickly scanned the papers on his desk , looking for anything that required his immediate attention . His eyes fell on an envelope with his name written on it in Lee 's neat handwriting . He couldn 't imagine why Lee had left him a note when they had a meeting scheduled for this morning . He opened the envelope and quickly read the letter that was inside . He hadn 't read more than a few words when his hands started to shake . This was a letter of resignation ! Lee had resigned from Seaview ! He couldn 't believe it . The last mission had been difficult , but not nearly as difficult as many of their other missions . Something must be very wrong for Lee to write a letter like this without talking to him first . He reached for the phone and dialed Lee 's office at the Institute . No answer . Then he dialed Lee 's apartment and once again heard the recorded voice tell him that the number had been disconnected . In his frustration he slammed down the phone just as Chip Morton knocked on his open door . Chip looked startled by the display of anger first thing in the morning , but bravely entered the office . Chip took the letter and quickly read it . The words were so startling , he almost couldn 't make sense of them and he began to read broken phrases aloud , " leaving Seaview . . . . can 't continue . . . . . effective immediately . " He looked down at the Admiral with troubled eyes . His shock was obvious in his almost incoherent speech , " I had no idea . He never said anything . He said he was just tired . Why would he do this ? " The Admiral sighed , " I don 't know , it just doesn 't make sense . We 've got to talk to him . I tried calling his office and there 's no answer . I also tried his apartment last night and this morning and got a recorded message saying his phone was disconnected . I thought it was just a mistake , that being away so much he 'd just missed a bill . We 've all done that , but now , with this . . " He gestured at the letter on his desk . The Admiral stood up abruptly and announced , " I 'm going to his apartment . It 's only been a week - - he could hardly make arrangements to move that quickly , so he could still be there . If he 's not , maybe he left a forwarding address with the manager . Come on , let 's get going . " He marched out of his apartment with Chip right behind him . They reached Lee 's apartment in less than fifteen minutes . The Admiral had barely brought the car to a stop before Chip jumped out and ran up to Lee 's front door . He rang the bell and when that produced no response , he began knocking . He was about to start shouting for Lee , when the Admiral took his arm and stopped him . " Chip , we don 't want to wake everybody up . Remember , it 's still early for civilians . " They walked in silence to the manager 's office . Despite the early hour , the man was at his desk drinking coffee . When they explained they were trying to contact Lee Crane , he immediately dashed their hopes of finding the Captain quickly . " You 're not going to find him here . About a week ago , he came to me and paid the rent to the end of his lease three months from now . Told me he was leaving but didn 't know where he was going . He said to leave the furniture in the apartment until the lease was up and then put it in storage . He gave me money for that , too . I 'm sorry to lose him as a tenant . He paid his rent on time , was quiet , never complained . I don 't get too many like that these days . " In the car on the way back to the Institute , they discussed where Lee might go , what he might do . They ruled out family immediately . His mother had died when he was a teenager and his father had thrown him out of the house when he went to the Academy . They thought about his time at the Academy , the friends and contacts he 'd made there , but Chip had been his closest friend and couldn 't think of anyone else Lee would turn to . Early in his career , Lee had spent some time with ONI and still did work for them when they needed him . The Admiral became excited , " Chip , that could be it ! He could have been sent on a mission and this could be part of his cover . As soon as we get back to the Institute , I 'll call Admiral Jones at ONI . He might not WANT to tell me that Lee 's on a mission , but he 'd damn well better tell me . " Back at the Institute , the two men went directly to the Admiral 's office where the Admiral had Angie place a call to Admiral Jones . Listening to the Admiral 's end of the conversation , Chip could tell the Admiral was not getting the answers he had hoped to get . When he hung up , his eyes were bleak . " Admiral Jones said Lee isn 't on a mission for ONI . I know he could be lying to me to protect Lee 's cover , but I 've known Jones a long time and can usually tell when he 's being evasive . He sounded genuinely surprised by the question . " The Admiral sighed , " I had really hoped that would be the explanation . It 's not that I want him to be in danger , but at least we 'd know where he is . " Chip said quietly , " Admiral , I think we ought to call Jamie . He might be able to tell us something about Lee 's frame of mind . Something must have been troubling him , something that we didn 't see . Maybe Jamie picked up on it when we didn 't . " " Okay , Chip . Call Jamie . I think he was going to go to the Clinic today to stock up on medical supplies for Sickbay . Have him come over right away . In the meantime I 'm going to call Stark . If Lee applied for reinstatement to the Navy and requested a command assignment , Jiggs would know . Would you tell Angie to place the call for me ? " " Aye , Sir . " Chip replied . " I 'll be back as soon as I 've contacted Jamie . " Chip left the office stopping by Angie 's desk to relay the Admiral 's order . While Nelson waited for the call to go through , he folded up Lee 's letter and put it back in the envelope . He didn 't want to keep looking at those words , words he still couldn 't believe . The letter wouldn 't go back in the envelope properly , it kept catching on something . He stuck his hand in the envelope to see what was causing the problem and pulled out Lee 's Seaview insignia . If Nelson had been reluctant to believe that Lee had really resigned , seeing that insignia left no doubt . Lee had been so proud to wear that on his collar . What could possibly have made him turn in his insignia ? He jumped when the phone rang and then composed himself before picking it up . Stark 's booming voice greeted him . " Harriman , good to hear from you . I heard your presentation at the conference went well - - should bring in lots of contracts for Seaview . " Nelson replied impatiently , " Yes , yes , it went fine . Jiggs , listen , I 've got something important to ask you . Have you heard from Lee Crane in the last week ? " Nelson sighed , " Jiggs , I can 't believe it , but Lee has resigned from Seaview . I found a letter on my desk this morning . I 've tried to call him but his phone has been disconnected . When I went to his apartment , the manager said he 'd left with no forwarding address . Paid his rent until the end of the lease and gave the manager money to put his things in storage after that . It doesn 't make any sense , Jiggs ! Something 's very wrong and I 've got to find out what it is ! I thought maybe he 'd contacted you for reinstatement in the Navy and a sub command . " Stark replied in a shocked tone , " Crane leaving Seaview . Harry , I can 't believe that . Are you sure he just wasn 't asking for some extra leave ? You work him pretty hard . . . maybe he 's just tired . " Stark 's voice was quiet as he said , " I 'm sorry , Harry . He hasn 't asked me for reinstatement to the Navy , nor have there been any rumors that he 's looking for another command . If I hear anything like that , I 'll let you know . " " Good - bye , Harry . " Admiral Stark hung up the phone sadly . He 'd hated hearing the pain in Harry 's voice . He also hated lying to him . Well , he hadn 't exactly lied , but he was keeping the truth from his friend . He knew he had no choice , but he still hated it . As Nelson hung up the phone , he saw Chip and Jamie come into the outer office . He called them both in . Chip had already told Jamison about Lee and the Doctor voiced his shock as soon as he sat down . " Admiral , I had no idea Lee was planning this . It 's true Merrill 's death was a shock , but I explained what happened and I thought he accepted it . I know he agonizes over losing a crewman in the line of duty , but this would have happened to Merrill no matter where he was . I was sure Lee understood that . Are you sure Lee really meant to resign , maybe he just needed some time off ? " Before he spoke , the Admiral showed Chip and Jamison what he had in his hand , Lee 's Seaview insignia . " Jamie , he put this in the envelope with the letter . I didn 't see it at first , I was so shocked by the letter . I found it when I went to put the letter back in the envelope . Lee wouldn 't give this up unless he really meant to leave . I just wish I knew why he was leaving and where he 's going to go . I 've called Admiral Jones at ONI and Admiral Stark at ComSubPac . No one 's heard from him . Jamie , I 'm frightened for him . " Jamison didn 't know how to comfort Nelson . " Admiral , I don 't know what to say or what to do . With his ONI training , Lee knows how to disappear so he can 't be found . All we can do is hope that he 'll call us when he 's worked out what 's bothering him . " Morton answered the Chief using a formal command tone . " Captain Crane won 't be coming on this mission . Inform the guards topside we 'll get underway in ten minutes . " " Yes , Sir , Mr . Morton . " The Chief hesitated , " Uh , will we be picking up the Captain along the way ? " Chip knew that the Chief had assumed that Crane was on an ONI mission . The crew always worried when the Captain was on a mission and liked knowing when he was expected back . Chip wished Lee were on an ONI mission , then he would know there was a good possibility that Lee would be returning to Seaview . The way things were now , he didn 't know if he would ever see Lee again or even know what had happened to him . The strain of the situation was too much for Morton and he snapped at Sharkey . " Chief , I told you that the Captain wouldn 't be coming on this mission . That is all you need to know . Now , carry out your orders and inform the guards of our departure . " Sharkey knew a reprimand when he heard one as did the men on duty in the Control Room . He answered quickly in his best military tone . " Yes , Sir . Right away , Sir ! " The tension remained and grew stronger during the next two weeks . The officers gave orders curtly and the crew obeyed them in silence . When the officers weren 't present , the crew muttered about the attitude of the command staff and worried about their Captain . " Pat , I tell you , something just ain 't right . I don 't think the Captain 's on any ONI mission . If he were , the Admiral and Mr . Morton would be acting worried . Instead , they seem mad about something . " " I know , Ski . I was in the Control Room when Mr . Morton nearly took the Chief 's head off . All he did was ask if we were gonna pick up the Skipper somewhere . Mr . Morton yells sometimes when he 's worried , but he always apologizes later , and this time he didn 't apologize . " " Well , " Kowalski declared , " If the Admiral did fire him , then I 'm leaving , too . It wouldn 't be right to stay on Seaview with another Captain . No one understands the Seaview like the Skipper ! " Nelson watched as the two men hurried away . His rage left him as quickly as it had seized him . He couldn 't blame the crew for being confused over the Captain 's absence since neither he nor Chip had offered a plausible explanation . They had agreed to keep it a secret for this mission , hoping that Lee would return , but if he didn 't , Nelson knew they couldn 't keep it a secret for very long . Nelson didn 't want to see the Seaview with a new captain anymore than Kowalski did , but , he admitted to himself , they might all have get to get used to it . Chip , if the captaincy were offered to him , would probably take it , seeing himself as a caretaker until Lee returned . Chip 's loyalty to Lee was unshakable just like the loyalty of so many of the crew . Nelson had thought his own loyalty to Lee was just as solid , but doubt had begun to creep in with the hurt of Lee 's disappearance . He thought their friendship had been built on trust , that Lee would come to him if something were bothering him . How could he have left without a word ? Maybe , Nelson thought bitterly , he had been wrong about their friendship . Maybe he had been wrong about a lot of things where Lee Crane was concerned . Sadness at that conclusion threatened to overwhelm him , but he put it aside and concentrated instead on the mission . He just had to get through this mission , he told himself . When the mission was over , then he 'd face up to losing Lee and think about a new captain for Seaview . Kowalski and Patterson said nothing about their dressing down by the Admiral , but the encounter had been overheard and soon every crew member knew the story . Whenever the Captain was away from Seaview on an ONI mission , the mood on the boat was always a bit tense . The crew seemed less confident in their abilities and even the Admiral and the Exec seemed a little unsure of themselves . Seaview herself seemed more prone to malfunctions almost as if the boat missed the Captain . During these times , however , the crew and the senior officers were united in their concern for the Captain . Th * * * Kowalski had been tracking the sub on sonar for hours . It stayed just inside China 's territorial waters , but it was definitely matching their course . Admiral Nelson moved to his side and asked , " Still shadowing us ? " The Admiral turned in the direction of the radio shack , " Sparks , send a message to the commander of that sub . Tell him we 're doing research , collecting seismic data . Tell him we 'll share the data with him . " The Admiral replied , " Of course . It 's not military data . It 's information about the environment of the sea - - it should be shared . Send the message , Sparks . " Sparks voice called out , " Admiral , Mr . Morton , incoming message , but it 's not from the Chinese sub . It 's a distress call from one of ours , the Manta . Says she 's got engine problems and is in danger of drifting into Chinese waters . " He relayed the coordinates of the Manta 's present location to the officers . " Tell the Manta that we 're on our way . " ordered Morton " Then send a message to the Chinese sub . Tell them we 're answering a distress call . " The Admiral frowned as he turned to Chip . " That 's Admiral Mitchell 's sub . I wonder what he 's doing out here ? If he drifts into China 's waters , it could cause a major international incident . Trust Mitchell to cause trouble . " Chip knew that Nelson and Mitchell had never gotten along . He didn 't much care for Mitchell himself , but they had no choice but to respond to a distress call . " Sparks , " he called , " any response from the Chinese sub ? " Nelson was impatient , " What 's the problem , Mitchell ? We interrupted our research to respond to your distress call . What sort of engine trouble are you having ? " Mitchell was still smiling , " There 's no trouble here , Admiral , at least not for me . But it seems you have a lot of trouble . You see , I 've just discovered that you 've been giving technology secrets to the commander of that Chinese sub . When I ordered you to surrender , you fired on my boat , and I was forced to destroy Seaview . " Mitchell 's expression grew hard as he said , " Maybe you do outgun the Manta , but there 's that Chinese sub with her torpedoes trained on Seaview . You won 't get both of us . Why don 't you surrender without a fight . We 'll let the crew leave Seaview and then we 'll destroy her after the Chinese commander has downloaded all the information in her computer . Think of your crew , Admiral ! " Mitchell 's face became very ugly and he spoke contemptuously , " They 're a weak - kneed bunch , from the Captain on down . They 'll obey my orders because they wouldn 't know what else to do . Admiral , I wouldn 't be so sure you speak for all your crew . " He turned to speak to someone on his right . " Commander , prepare to fire torpedoes . " Admiral Nelson and all the crew in the Control Room were shocked to see Lee Crane appear on the monitor as he crossed over to the firing panel . When he reached the panel , he turned and looked directly at the Admiral , his face revealing no emotion . In shock , the Admiral said softly , " Lee ! " Then his expression hardened with anger and his eyes became blue ice . Lee felt the cold anger in those eyes cut into his very soul . Lee put his right hand on the fire button , but with his left he reached down underneath the panel and brought two wires together . The panel erupted in sparks and the jolt of electricity threw Lee away from the panel . His head slammed into the chart table and his last conscious thought was of those cold blue eyes . Confusion reigned in the Control Room of the Manta as the electrical fire spread to the other panels . Watching the monitor on Seaview , Nelson and Morton could not see enough to know exactly what was going on . Voices were heard shouting orders to extinguish the fires and demanding damage control reports . Suddenly , Mitchell 's voice could be heard over all the rest as he shouted , " Crane , you 're responsible for this ! I 'll kill you for your incompetence . " As Mitchell advanced on the fallen Crane , the Manta 's Captain stepped in front of the enraged Admiral . " Admiral Mitchell , you will not touch that man . I am relieving you of command and placing you under arrest for treason . Master - at - arms , escort Admiral Mitchell to the brig . " The Master - at - arms approached Mitchell . He realized he had no choice but to go with him , but he snarled defiantly at Captain Fleming as he left the Control Room . " So you 're finally showing a little backbone , Fleming . You 've made a big mistake . You won 't be able to make these charges stick . Your career will be ruined . I 'll see to that ! " Then Fleming turned to face Admiral Nelson on the monitor . " Admiral Nelson , I 'm Captain Fleming . I don 't know how much you heard or saw , but Admiral Mitchell has been placed under arrest . We had no idea he was planning this . He told us the fake distress call was part of a readiness drill . It wasn 't until he threatened you that I had any idea what his real intentions were . I should have stopped him sooner , but I was too shocked to act . Thank God the panel shorted out . Admiral , our electrical systems have been heavily damaged and we are dead in the water . You are welcome to send a boarding party to verify the situation . " Nelson was a bit stunned by the rapid sequence of events , but he quickly responded , " Captain Fleming , I want you to contact ComSubPac , report what happened , and wait for their instructions . Tell them Seaview will render any required assistance . We 'll send over some men to assist with repairs . " Captain Fleming looked relieved . " Thank you , Admiral . I 'll contact you as soon as I 've received orders from ComSubPac . " He turned to listen to someone out of sight . " Admiral , we don 't have a doctor on board and my senior corpsman reports that Commander Crane 's injuries are much too serious for him to handle . Perhaps your doctor could come aboard to treat him . " The Admiral turned first to Sparks . " Sparks , send a message to the Chinese sub . Inform them that the Manta is dead in the water and Admiral Mitchell has been placed under arrest . Tell the commander that any action against either the Manta or the Seaview will be met with full resistance . " It didn 't take Chip and the technicians long to ascertain that the electrical damage to the Manta was severe . It would take at least eight hours to repair the wiring . Fortunately , life support systems were unaffected , but all weapons and navigation systems were down . ComSubPac had requested that Seaview assist the Manta with repairs and accompany her to Pearl Harbor . " Admiral , Captain Crane 's injuries are very serious . He has a gash on his head and a severe concussion with a possible skull fracture . He also has a second degree burn on his hand . The Sickbay here is not well enough equipped to handle injuries this serious . I need to get him into Sickbay on Seaview as soon as possible , but his condition is too unstable to risk an underwater transfer using SCUBA gear . " Nelson ignored the fact that Jamison was talking about Lee , his feelings about Lee were still too raw and confused , and treated the matter as a problem to be solved . He thought for a moment and then had Chip called over . " Chip , is there any way the Manta can blow ballast and surface so we can use a raft for the transfer ? " The transfer was accomplished with little difficulty and Nelson stood in the conning tower and watched as Lee was carefully lifted from the raft and then taken to Sickbay . He caught his breath when he saw Lee 's blood - soaked shirt and a wave of fear and concern hit him . But then he remembered Lee walking over to the firing panel and pressing the button to fire torpedoes at the Seaview and his concern was replaced with anger . If that panel hadn 't blown , Seaview would have been destroyed and by Lee 's hand ! He wouldn 't have believed that Lee could be capable of such betrayal if he hadn 't seen him with his own eyes . He descended into the Control Room and met Morton who had returned with Jamison and the Captain . The Admiral motioned for Chip to join him in the Observation Nose . He looked at Chip expectantly and the Exec quickly gave him a report on the damage to the Manta . " Admiral , we can 't be sure because the damage was so extensive , but it looks like the wiring had been tampered with . The wires on the firing panel that caused the short were hanging out below the panel instead of being properly secured and there were relays set up between the panels that caused the short to affect all the panels . Admiral , Lee could have sabotaged the panel . " The Admiral sighed , " I know you want to believe that , Chip , but nothing we know leads to that conclusion . How could Lee have known Mitchell was planning this - - apparently none of the Manta 's crew knew . Even if he did figure out Mitchell 's plans after he was on the Manta , there 's still no explanation for why he was there in the first place . No , it 's more likely that it was just a case of sloppy wiring . " " I 'm fine , Jiggs , just fine . Mitchell is in the brig on the Manta and the Chinese sub went back to its own waters . After the Manta was disabled , the commander of the sub was no longer interested in risking an international incident . " Nelson answered impatiently , " No , he 's not . Mitchell ordered him to fire torpedoes at Seaview and when he went over to the panel , it shorted out . He was thrown against the chart table and suffered a severe concussion and possible skull fracture . He also has second - degree burns on his hand . He 's in Sickbay , unconscious , so we haven 't been able to question him about the cause of the malfunction in the panel . " Nelson replied angrily , " I don 't know anything of the sort . I have no idea why he resigned from Seaview or why he was aboard the Manta . But if you know so much about it , why don 't you tell me ? " " Harry , I was hoping I wouldn 't have to be the one to tell you , but I promised Crane that if he couldn 't tell you , I would , and I intend to keep my word . Harry , he was on the Manta because I arranged it . I sent him there to protect you . I called him right after your last mission and had him come to my office . " Stark recounted the details of his meeting with the Captain to the Admiral and the Exec . As soon as Crane entered Admiral Stark 's office , Stark noticed that he looked tired . It must have been a rough mission , he concluded . Stark knew the request he was going to make of the Captain was going to be very difficult for him and he wished he didn 't have to ask it of him . Stark snorted , " Uncomplimentary is hardly the word I 'd use . Lately he 's been especially vocal , getting more brazen in his criticism . I 'd been wondering what he was up to and then I received information from a contact in ONI that Mitchell could be plotting against Nelson , trying to frame him for treason . This contact said Mitchell 's been making overtures to the Chinese , promising them classified technology . I think Mitchell is going to try to make it look as if Nelson is giving away the Seaview 's technology to the Chinese . Your next mission will take you near China 's territorial waters , won 't it ? " Stark resumed his explanation , " I think that 's when he 'll make his move . There 's no proof , however , so there 's no way I can stop him . That 's why I 'm asking for your help . I 'm going to ask you to do something very hard to save Nelson and Seaview . Then he 'd laid out his plan , Crane 's resignation from Seaview , leaving his apartment , and signing on aboard Mitchell 's sub . Crane didn 't let him continue , saying earnestly , " Sir , I know we have different command styles and in the past we 've clashed over that , but I have never doubted your honesty , your commitment to our country , or your loyalty to Admiral Nelson . I don 't doubt them now . I 'll do what you ask , but I have one request . My actions are going to hurt Admiral Nelson very deeply . He 'll think I betrayed him . If , when this is over , I 'm not able to explain my actions to him , I 'd like you to tell him why I did this . I don 't want him to think I was ever dissatisfied with him or Seaview . " After recounting all this to the Admiral and the Exec , Stark spoke directly to the Admiral , " Harry , he never hesitated , no risk was too great for you and Seaview . The damnedest thing was that he trusted me without question - - despite our differences in the past , he believed me . Like you said , Harry , he 's the best . " " Look , I 'm sure you want to get back to Sickbay . I just wanted you to know what was really going on . Keep me informed , will you ? I 'll see you when you dock at Pearl . " Nelson turned off the screen and then just sat at the table , overwhelmed by emotion . Lee had never wanted to leave Seaview , he wanted to protect Seaview , to protect him , and he had doubted Lee 's loyalty . How could he have done that and how could he make it up to Lee ? Lost in his thoughts , the Admiral had forgotten all about Chip until he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder . " Admiral , go to Sickbay . I can take care of everything here . You should be there when Lee wakes up . He 'll want to see you . " The Admiral took a deep breath to steady himself . He looked at the kind expression on the Exec 's face and said , " Thanks , Chip . If you need me , just call . " The Admiral stopped at his cabin on the way to Sickbay . He sat at his desk and opened the top drawer . He pulled out Lee 's resignation and his Seaview insignia . He tore up the resignation and threw it away . He put the insignia in his shirt pocket and then , squaring his shoulders , he got up and went out of his cabin toward Sickbay . The lights had been dimmed in Sickbay . Jamison was in his office when Nelson came in , writing notes on a chart . Probably Lee 's chart , Nelson thought . He had come in so quietly that Jamison hadn 't heard him . He went over to Lee 's bunk and stood there silently looking down at him . When Lee had first been brought aboard , Nelson had been too upset to look at the Captain closely . Now , however , he noticed the sharpness of his cheekbones and the sunken eyes . The bandage over his temple hid the gash on his head , but there was dark bruising around the bandage that contrasted with the pallor of Lee 's skin . He heard Jamison get up and come over to him . " He 's showing gradual improvement so I 'm hopeful , but it 's a serious head injury - - a severe concussion and a hairline skull fracture - - so there could be complications . At the very least , we 've got to be prepared for confusion , even amnesia . You 're right about how thin he is - - he 's probably lost about twenty pounds . Whatever his reasons for leaving Seaview and being on that sub , this last month was obviously a hard one for him . " Nelson sighed heavily , " Jamie , I had a call from Admiral Stark . Lee never wanted to leave Seaview . Stark suspected that Mitchell was trying to discredit me and asked Lee to help him prove it . It was all a plan to get Mitchell to expose himself . Lee was on that sub to protect me and I doubted his loyalty . He risked everything for me , for Seaview . He went through hell all alone and I doubted him . How can I explain that to him ? " Jamison was silent for a moment thinking about what the Admiral had said , then he answered gently , " Admiral , you won 't have to explain anything . Lee won 't blame you for feeling angry and hurt . He 'll blame himself for causing you so much pain . If I know the Skipper , all he 'll be worried about is if you and Seaview are allright . Just be here to reassure him . " Jamison pulled a chair next to Lee 's bunk . " Why don 't you sit with him ? It would be good for him to see you when he wakes up . " Over the next several hours , the Admiral sat beside Lee , talking to him softly . He told him how grateful he was for his loyalty , how much he and the crew had missed him . Jamison came over frequently to check Lee 's vital signs and reported that there was steady improvement . Even though he was still unconscious , Lee was becoming more responsive which was a good sign . As the Admiral looked down at him , he saw his eyelids flutter . Jamison noticed it too and leaned over the Captain and quietly called his name . The Admiral stepped back so Jamison could move closer to the Captain . " Lee . . . . Lee . . . . . can you hear me ? Lee , I want you to try to wake up . . . . . Don 't try to move , but try to open your eyes . . . . That 's it . . . . . Just open your eyes slow and easy . " The Captain heard the voice calling his name , but it sounded far away . He concentrated instead on other sensations - - the softness of the bed and the vibration he felt . The vibration made him feel good , made him feel safe and protected . As he concentrated on it , he realized why - - he was home , he was on Seaview ! He wondered why he was surprised at that , but thinking too hard made his head hurt , so he let it go . The voice was persisting and he concentrated on that . The voice was urging him to open his eyes . He tried , but it was hard . Finally , he succeeded , but all he could make out was a very blurry face leaning over him . He blinked , but it was still blurry . Despite the blurriness , he knew whose face it was . " I 'm not surprised . You hit your head pretty hard on that chart table . It will take a while for your vision to clear . How do you feel ? " " I don 't remember . . . hitting my head . " He tried to come up with a plausible explanation for his injury . " Must have been some turb ' lence . . . . Is Seaview allright ? Lee frowned slightly as he tried to sort out confused memories and he spoke in short phrases . " Have to protect Seaview . . . . . Have to protect the Admiral . The panel . . . . have to short out the panel . " Nelson moved close and spoke to the Captain , anxious to ease his distress , " Lee , I 'm here . You don 't have to say anything - - I know why you were on the Manta . Stark told me everything . It 's allright , Lee . " Lee quieted at the Admiral 's soothing tone , but was not entirely comforted . There was so much he wanted to say , to explain , but it was so hard to think , to talk . He struggled to find the words and said haltingly , " Admiral , I never wanted to leave Seaview . I 'm sorry I hurt you . " " Lee , it 's allright . I know you were trying to protect me and Seaview . And you did , you saved us all . It 's over now and you 're back on Seaview , where you belong . " The Admiral smiled at the Captain . " Speaking of belonging , I have something that belongs to you . " He reached into his pocket and pulled out Lee 's Seaview insignia . Lee tried to focus and see what the Admiral was holding up , but the effort made his head pound . The Admiral saw the pain on his face and quickly said , " It 's your Seaview insignia , Lee . I 've been saving it for you . " Lee hesitated , then said , " But my resignation . . . . " " Was never accepted . You , sir , are Captain of the Seaview and your orders are to get well soon because you 're needed for duty . The crew has missed you and I think Seaview has , too . Now , no more talking , just rest . " He laid a comforting hand on the Captain 's shoulder . " He 's much better than I expected . I thought there would be more confusion after such a severe concussion , but he was alert and coherent . It 's still going to take him a while to recover fully - - he 'll have headaches and dizziness for at least the next several weeks . That burn on his hand will be painful and will have to be watched for infection . And , he needs to gain some weight . But , " Jamison finally smiled , " I think he 's going to be just fine . Now , you go get some rest yourself and let me look after him . " Seaview 's grapevine soon spread the word that the Captain was going to be allright and had only been on Mitchell 's sub to stop him from destroying the Admiral and Seaview . The Skipper had saved them all , just like he always did . Seaview was still quiet , but it was an entirely different kind of quiet . It was quiet like a house with a sleeping baby in it . No one wanted to disturb the Skipper 's sleep so the crew spoke in low voices and practically tiptoed around on their duties . The tension on the boat had lifted and there were smiles on the faces of the crew and the officers . The Manta and the Seaview docked at Pearl Harbor several days later . Admiral Nelson watched from Seaview 's conning tower as Mitchell was formally arrested and led away in handcuffs . Then , he went below and gave Morton the order to release the crew for shoreleave . Leaving the Control Room for Sickbay , he ran into Kowalski in the corridor and an idea quickly came to him . He remembered Kowalski 's conversation with Patterson in the corridor and his absolute devotion to the Captain . All the crew were loyal to the Captain , but Kowalski was more fierce in his loyalty than any of them . " Kowalski , I know you 're getting ready to leave for shoreleave , but I 'd like you to do something for me . Well , actually for the Skipper . " By then they reached Sickbay and Nelson asked Kowalski to wait outside . The Admiral heard voices as he opened the door , voices that stopped when he entered . Lee was dressed in his khakis and sitting in a wheelchair with Jamison standing beside him . From the looks on both their faces , he was sure he had interrupted an argument , probably about the wheelchair . He had expected as much which is why he had brought Kowalski with him . He spoke to the Captain , " Lee , I 'm glad to see you 're ready to go . There 's a car waiting . Did Jamie tell you about the arrangements Jiggs has made for us ? " Jamison was the one to answer the Admiral and his tone was pointed . " No , Sir , I haven 't had a chance . We 've been having another conversation . " The Admiral 's smile faded and he looked serious . " I spoke to Jiggs about that . The JAG officer is coming in from San Diego and won 't arrive for three days so we 'll have some time to relax before the start of the investigation . The Admiral smiled again , " Now , are you ready to go ? " " Aye , Sir , as soon as I can convince Jamie here that the wheelchair is more trouble than it 's worth . You know how hard it is to get a wheelchair through the boat with all those high sills . I 'll be fine walking on my own , Jamie . " Lee opened his mouth to continue the argument , but Nelson hastily intervened . " Jamie , what if he had a strong arm to lean on if he feels dizzy ? I 've got Kowalski waiting outside and he could escort the Captain to the car . It probably would be easier on him than getting jostled through the boat in the wheelchair . " Jamison relented , " Allright . " He looked down at the Captain and said firmly , " But I expect you to go straight to the car . Absolutely no detours to check on anything . If I find out you busted these orders , I 'll have you admitted to the base hospital . Is that understood ? " The Captain said , " Absolutely , Ski . Let 's get out of here before Jamie changes his mind . " Then he graciously accepted Kowalski 's help to get out of the wheelchair and head out of Sickbay . Nelson grinned , " Maybe he still feels guilty about punching Kowalski when he first came aboard . Anyway , Doctor , are you ready to go ? We do have a car waiting with a very impatient passenger , you know . " " I just have to grab my medical bag . I gave the rest of my gear to a crewman to put in the car . I 'll be right along . " Nelson stood on the porch of the cottage and looked out over the ocean . The view was really spectacular and the weather during the three days they had been here had been wonderful . The sun and the warmth had been good for the Captain who had spent several afternoons napping in the lounge chair on the porch . Nelson had been worried about him . When they 'd first arrived , the simple trip by car from Seaview to the cottage had exhausted him and he hadn 't offered even the slightest objection when Jamie had tucked him right into bed . He was looking better , but Nelson wondered if he was strong enough to testify today . He 'd wanted the JAG officer to come here and take Lee 's deposition , but the man had insisted all testimony had to be given during formal interviews in the Administration Building on the base . Jamison came out onto the porch drinking a cup of coffee . " Lee 's almost ready . Bending over to tie his shoes made him a bit dizzy , but it passed quickly . " The Admiral looked at him and both his eyes and his voice reflected his concern . " Jamie , are you sure he 's strong enough for this ? He 's spent most of the last few days doing little more than sleeping . Could this set him back ? " Jamison said honestly , " Like you , I wish this could have waited until he was more fully recovered , but I think he can handle it . If I didn 't , I wouldn 't allow it . As a doctor , I do have some clout and I don 't hesitate to use it when it 's in a patient 's best interests . I 'll stay with him and if it does get to be too much for him , I 'll step in . " Nelson was reassured by Jamison 's words . He knew that the doctor was never hesitant when it came to the welfare of his patients . He 'd gone toe to toe with many a superior officer and had never backed down . Hell , Jamison and he had had a few go - rounds and Nelson had to admit that the doctor had always won . Lee was the only one who ever got the best of Jamison , and the Admiral wondered if that was a ploy on Jamison 's part , that he was just letting Lee think he 'd gotten away with something as a therapeutic measure . He chuckled to himself at the thought . Lee would be devastated to think Jamison was manipulating him instead of the other way around . Feeling less worried , he said to Jamison , " I 'm glad we have you to rely on , Jamie . Okay , let 's get going and get this over with . " The investigation had proceeded according to typical military procedure - - hurry up and wait . The officers from the Seaview had been shown into a small waiting room in the Administration Building and told they would be called individually to testify . Nelson had asked if Crane could be called first so he could return to the cottage after his testimony , but he had been told that wasn 't possible . Nelson was the first one they wanted to question so he left while the others waited . Being long - time military men , they had expected a lengthy wait and had brought reading material with them to occupy their time . Chip had some Navy magazines while Jamison was catching up on the latest medical journals . Lee was the only one with truly recreational reading . Knowing that he had loved sea stories since his childhood , the Admiral had gone to the bookstore on the base and picked up the most recent Patrick O ' Brian novel for the Captain . The silence in the room was suddenly broken by the thud of Lee 's book hitting the floor . Chip and Jamison were startled by the sound and quickly looked in Lee 's direction . The Captain was sitting in an armchair and was gazing down at the book on the floor with a dazed expression on his face . Jamison immediately noticed that the Captain 's face was flushed and was on his feet and at the Captain 's side in an instant . He used one hand to pick up the Captain 's wrist to take his pulse and the other he laid gently on the Captain 's forehead where he could feel the heat emanating from the Captain 's body . " Skipper , " he said gently , " you feel very warm . Why didn 't you tell me you weren 't feeling well ? " Lee looked up at him , but his expression was still vague . " I thought it was just hot in here . Thought that was why I couldn 't . . . concentrate . . . . " His voice trailed away . Jamison looked up at Chip who had come over to stand on Lee 's other side . " He 's got a fever . Probably the burn on his hand has become infected . We 've got to get him to the hospital . Let 's make him comfortable on the couch over there and then I 'll go tell the Admiral and call for an ambulance . " Chip helped Jamison remove Lee 's jacket before they got him to his feet and led him over to the couch . They laid him down gently and then Jamison removed the Captain 's tie and opened his collar . Covering him with the jacket , he spoke softly to the Captain , " Lee , I 'm going to go talk to the Admiral and then we 'll get you to the hospital . Chip is going to stay here with you until I get back . Just lie still and rest . " The Captain made no response , seeming to have drifted off into a fevered sleep . Jamison straightened up and said to Chip . " I 'll be back as soon as I 've made the arrangements at the hospital . It shouldn 't take more than a few minutes . " The Doctor hurried out of the room leaving Chip alone with the Captain . Chip went into the adjoining bathroom and came back with a wet paper towel . He gently laid the towel on Lee 's forehead hoping to make his friend more comfortable . He pulled a chair over next to the couch and sat down to await the Doctor 's return . Jamison hurried down to the corridor looking for the room in which the interviews were taking place . Because the Navy hadn 't wanted word of this investigation to become common knowledge just yet , the building was nearly deserted . Spying a guard outside one of the rooms , he quickened his pace and approached the guard . Jamison quickly explained who he was and how urgent it was that he speak to Admiral Nelson . The guard was reluctant to interrupt the proceeding at first , but Jamison used his " clout " to convince him and he was soon ushered into the hearing room . Admiral Mitchell protested , " This is just a tactic to make me look bad . I 'm sure Captain Crane is not as ill as the Doctor claims . He can go to the hospital after he testifies . " Captain Kravic , the JAG officer , turned to him in annoyance . " I will not question Doctor Jamison 's judgment . If he says Captain Crane is ill and needs to be admitted to the hospital , then that 's what will be done . " He turned to the guard , " Escort Admiral Mitchell back to his cell . " Then he turned to Mitchell 's attorney . " Do you want to challenge the Doctor ? " The attorney answered hastily , " No , I accept his assessment of the Captain 's condition . I apologize for my client . Will we be recessing for the day ? " Captain Kravic rose and spoke to Nelson and Jamison . " There 's a phone in my office . You can use that to call the hospital . " He led the way as Nelson and Jamison followed him into his office . Admiral Mitchell walked down the hall with the guard . He knew that the investigation was not going well for him and would probably result in a recommendation that he be court - martialed for treason . He decided he only had one chance - - to break away and contact the Chinese government . He was sure they would grant him asylum in their country . He had plenty of information on the United States ' naval capabilities that he was sure they would be anxious to have . Thinking furiously , he decided that his best opportunity was to try to get away now while they were all distracted by Crane 's condition . Crane ! That was it ! He could use Crane to get out of this . It was only fair , after all , since Crane 's actions had gotten him into it . He looked sideways at the guard and saw that he was walking with a relaxed step . He didn 't expect the prisoner to give him any trouble . The trusting fool hadn 't even bothered to put handcuffs on him . Mitchell quickly whirled and hit the guard in the stomach and then when he doubled over , he gave him a sharp blow to the back of the neck that knocked him unconscious . Mitchell quickly bent over and took his gun and then ran down the corridor . Chip got up when he heard the knock at the door . He figured it was Jamie returning with the Admiral , but he wondered why they would knock . Of course , he reasoned , it could be the JAG officer coming to confirm that the Captain was really ill . Looking down at Lee , he knew there could be no question that the Captain needed to go to the hospital . As he answered the door , Mitchell jerked the door , hitting Chip and stunning him . Chip fell to the floor . Mitchell quickly bent over , dragged Chip 's limp body outside the door , then went back inside , locking the door from the inside . The Captain , roused by the commotion , tried to sit up and see what had happened , but he was too weak and flopped back down . Mitchell looked down at him contemptuously , " You thought you 'd defeated me , didn 't you Crane ? I 'm far from finished . You 're going to be my ticket out of here . We 're going on a little trip , Crane , all the way to China and I think my friends there will be very anxious to talk to you . Of course , I don 't think you 'll like their method of conversation very much , but , " his face and voice grew very ugly , " it 's exactly what you deserve for betraying me . " Lee knew he was too ill to have any chance of overpowering Mitchell , his only chance was to convince him that his escape plan would fail and he should give up . " You 'll never get to China . " he said . " You 'll never even make it out of the building . " Sitting down in the chair Chip had been using , Mitchell dismissed his remarks , " Crane , when Nelson learns that I have you as my hostage , I 'm sure he 'll be very cooperative . He won 't want to risk your life . I 'll promise to release you in exchange for a plane capable of getting to China . Of course , I have no intention of keeping my end of the bargain , but he won 't know that until it 's too late . Now , you just be quiet while we wait for the Admiral to get here . " He waved the gun menacingly at Lee who decided he couldn 't think clearly enough to argue with someone as far over the edge as Mitchell was . He lay back and pretended to close his eyes , but he kept them open just enough to watch Mitchell 's every move . While Jamison was on the phone calling for an ambulance and arranging to have the Captain admitted to the base hospital , Nelson made a quick trip upstairs to Stark 's office to let him know about Lee 's condition . Stark was dismayed at the news and returned with the Admiral . By the time they rejoined the others , Jamison had made all the arrangements and the two Admirals , the JAG officer , and Jamison quickly set out for the room where Chip and Lee were waiting . They hadn 't taken more than a few steps when they saw Chip in the hall struggling to get up from the floor . They all broke into a run , but Nelson was the first to reach Chip and he steadied the young man against the wall . " Chip , what happened ? " he asked urgently . Jamison was at his side and he said , " Easy , Chip . Let 's get you off your feet . " He looked around for some place to take the Exec . Stark quickly opened the door to a small office and said , " Bring him in here . " Jamison supported Chip as he led him into the room and then he sat him in the desk chair . He gave him a quick examination and then turned to Nelson and Stark who had followed him into the room . " He 's just got a bump on the head . No sign of concussion . He 'll have a headache , but that 's all . Lee 's the real concern . His fever was dangerously high when I left him . We 've got to get him to the hospital . " Nelson looked grim , " Then we 'll have to talk to Mitchell , find out what he wants . Maybe we can convince him to take me as a hostage instead of Lee . I 'm the one he had the grudge against in the first place . " Captain Kravic entered the room . " I found the guard he overpowered . I 've got another guard looking after him . I 've also sent someone to stop the ambulance personnel and have them wait outside . Mitchell took the guard 's gun so he 's armed which makes him a greater threat . I think Admiral Stark is right , there 'll be no reasoning with Mitchell , but we do have to get him talking . If we can stall for time , maybe we can come up with a plan to rescue Captain Crane . " He turned to Admiral Nelson , " I think you should be the one to talk to him . Are you willing ? " Nelson left the office and walked over and knocked on the door to the waiting room . Stark and Kravic stood nearby to listen to the conversation . " Mitchell , it 's Nelson . I know you 're in there with Captain Crane . Is he allright ? " " Look , Mitchell , Captain Crane is very ill . He 'd be too much trouble as a hostage . How about if you take me instead of Crane ? " Mitchell 's voice interrupted Crane . " Shut up , Captain . I 'm in charge here . Admiral , Crane is a very good hostage - - I don 't have to worry about him trying to escape - - he 's much too weak to cause any trouble . I think I 'll keep him for now . But if you want him released , then get me a plane with enough fuel to take me to China . I have friends there and I think it 's a good time to visit them . " Mitchell 's reply was brief and unsympathetic , " Call Stark if you have to . I wouldn 't take too long if I were you . Like I said , your Captain doesn 't look too good . Oh , and I want to see all the guards sent outside and locked in the motor pool . " Nelson replied hastily , " I 'll get right on it . " Nelson , Stark , and Kravic returned to the office where Jamison and Chip were waiting . Stark was already on the phone ordering the guards to leave the building . He gave Captain Kravic the key to the fence around the motor pool and he went out and locked the gate after all the guards were inside . Nelson was the first to speak . " I don 't believe that he 'll release Lee when he gets the plane so we have to take him here , but only out in the hall . Otherwise , there 's too great a risk to Lee . The only way we can get him to come out of that room with Lee is if we can bring a plane where he can see it . " He turned to Stark , " Jiggs , can you arrange that ? " Nelson began thinking out loud . " He 'll use Lee as a shield when he comes out the door and we know he has a gun . Somehow , we have to surprise him so we can grab him before he can hurt Lee . Normally , we could count on Lee 's quick reactions , but with Lee so ill . . . " He let his voice trail away as he continued thinking . Admiral Stark crossed over to the door and looked down the hall . He turned back to the others and said , " I think I have an idea . There 's a men 's room just down the hall from the waiting room . I could hide in there and while you distract Mitchell , I could come out and grab him . " Chip stood up and faced Stark . " Admiral Stark , I think I should be the one to jump Mitchell . It 's my fault he got to Lee . I should have been more careful when I opened the door . " Stark 's voice was surprisingly gentle as he answered the young man . " Son , it wasn 't your fault . You 're on a U . S . naval base . You had no reason to expect anyone hostile . No , it has to be me . Mitchell will insist on the rest of you , including Captain Kravic , being in plain view when he comes out . He doesn 't know I 'm here - - remember he said to call me about the plane . Besides , if anyone owes Captain Crane anything , it 's me . I 'm the one who sent him to Mitchell . Now , if we 're ready , I 'll call about the plane . " Mitchell heard the plane taxi to the airfield just beyond the building . He went to the window and looked out with satisfaction and then turned back to Crane . " Hear that , Crane ? I knew Admiral Nelson would give in to my demands . We 're getting out of here . " He roughly hauled Crane to his feet and practically dragged him to the door . Still leaving the door closed and locked , he called out , " Nelson , I see the plane has arrived . I 'm coming out now with Crane . I want you , your Exec , the Doctor , and Captain Kravic by the main door where I can see you . I 'll have Crane in front of me with a gun to his back . If anyone tries to stop me , I 'll kill Crane . Once I 'm safely on the plane , I 'll release him . You have two minutes to get into position . If you 're not there when I come out , I 'll shoot Crane . Do you understand ? " Stark had the men 's room door just the very slightest bit ajar . He could barely see through the opening , but he couldn 't risk Mitchell discovering his presence . He heard the door to the waiting room open and then he heard footsteps in the hall . They must be coming ! He heard the footsteps draw closer and then he heard Nelson 's voice . " Mitchell , this isn 't going to work . We 've been in contact with the Chinese government . They don 't want you . They won 't grant you asylum . You 'll be better off here than with them . Give up now , while you have the chance . " While Nelson was speaking , Crane and Mitchell came even with the men 's room door . Stark saw Crane looking his way and he tried to make eye contact with him so he 'd know something was up . The Captain 's eyes met his but they were so glassy and unfocused , Stark had no idea if he was aware of anything around him . Stark saw Mitchell turn toward Nelson 's voice and he burst through the door . Just as Stark made his move , Lee went limp and dropped to the floor . Mitchell lost his grip on the Captain and then was tackled by Stark . Nelson and Chip rushed forward and disarmed Mitchell . Captain Kravic quickly ran out to free the guards . When he returned with the guards , he ordered Mitchell handcuffed and locked up . He also ordered other guards to get the ambulance crew on the double . Jamison was already kneeling by the Captain . Lee hadn 't moved since he dropped to the floor and was lying on his side with his eyes closed . Jamison eased Lee onto his back and quickly checked his pulse and respiration . Admiral Nelson took off his jacket , folded it up , and gently placed it under the Captain 's head . As Lee opened his eyes and tried to get up , Jamie and Admiral Nelson used gentle pressure on his shoulders to restrain him . " Easy , Skipper , you fainted and you need to lie still . We 've got a stretcher on the way . " Lee protested weakly , " Didn 't faint . . . . saw Admiral Stark . . . . created a . . . diversion . . . worked pretty good . . . . . could use the Admiral . . . on ONI missions . " His voice trailed away and his eyes closed . Admiral Nelson looked in alarm at Jamison who quickly reassured him , " He 's weak from the fever . He should do better once we start treatment at the hospital . " As he finished speaking , the paramedics came in with a stretcher . Lee was placed on the stretcher and then carried to the waiting ambulance . Jamison rode with him while Nelson and Morton gathered up their things and then followed by car . Lee was taken into the hospital through the Emergency Room , but was soon moved upstairs to a private room . Nelson and Morton were directed to a nearby waiting room . They had been there nearly two hours when Admiral Stark and Captain Kravic arrived . Stark took one look at Nelson 's face and asked quietly , " No word on Crane yet I suppose ? " Nelson shook his head . " Jamie said he 'd tell us as soon as there was any change . But , so far , nothing . " He got up and began pacing , rubbing the back of his neck as he walked . Captain Kravic cleared his throat . " I don 't suppose this matters right now , but you should know that there will be no further need for any of you to testify . Admiral Mitchell has confessed to everything and waived all his rights to a trial . I 'll be taking him back to Washington tomorrow . I hope to hear some good news about Captain Crane before I leave . I 'm sorry I never got to meet him . Please give him my best . " Admiral Nelson went over and extended his hand to Kravic . " Thank you , Captain . I 'll be sure to get word to you about Captain Crane . " They shook hands and Captain Kravic left . Admiral Stark sat down with Nelson and Morton to wait for Jamison . Another hour passed before Jamison finally came out of Lee 's room . The three men practically pounced on him . He stepped back in self - defense , raising his arms to hold them off . " Gentlemen , it 's good news . Sit down and I 'll tell you everything . " He waited for them to get settled and then explained , " We 've identified the bacteria causing the infection in his hand and we 've started the proper antibiotic . He 's begun to respond to the medication and his fever is coming down . He 's sleeping comfortably now and I don 't expect him to wake up before morning . So I want all of you to get some dinner and then go home . You can come back first thing in the morning to see him . " Nelson and Morton both started to protest , but Stark interrupted them . " The Doctor is right . You won 't do Crane any good by wearing yourselves out . Jamison can call you if anything unexpected comes up , but I 'm sure he won 't need to . I 'm going to take both of you out to dinner and then back to the cottage . I 've been an Admiral longer than you have , Harriman , so I outrank you and you have to listen to me . Now , let 's go . " Nelson opened his mouth to argue , but then thought better of it . " Allright , Jiggs , you win . We 'll go . But , Jamie , if anything changes or Lee needs anything , you 're to call us immediately . " Jamison had been dozing in the chair when the nurse shook his arm gently . " Doctor , why don 't you go stretch out in the doctor 's lounge ? Captain Crane is doing much better . His temperature is back to normal and his vital signs are all strong . I promise to watch him closely and call you at the slightest change . " Jamison got up and went over to Lee 's bedside . He could see that she was right , but he didn 't want to get too far from his patient just yet . He could use some coffee , however , so he asked her to stay with the Captain while he took a break . Walking out of Lee 's room , he was surprised to see Admiral Stark in the waiting room , asleep in one of the chairs . He crossed over to the Admiral and leaned over to shake him . It took Stark a minute to realize where he was and he looked embarrassed at being caught sleeping . Jamison asked , " Admiral Stark , what are you doing here ? I thought you took Admiral Nelson and Mr . Morton out to dinner and then back to the cottage . Are they here , too ? " To cover his embarrassment Stark rose to answer the Doctor . " No , I dropped them off like I said I would , but then I came back here . " His expression became slightly defiant . " I felt I owed it to Crane since I was the one who got him involved with Mitchell . There 's a few things I need to say to him so I wanted to be here when he wakes up . " " I see , " said Jamison . " Well , I expect him to sleep for a little while longer . " He noticed the first rays of sunlight coming in the window behind Stark . " I have an idea . It 's been a long night for me and I could use some breakfast . Why don 't you come to the cafeteria and join me for breakfast ? By the time we 're done , Lee will probably be awake and you can talk to him then . " Relieved that the Doctor seemed to accept his need to talk to the Captain , Stark readily agreed and the pair took the elevator to the cafeteria . Riding in the elevator , Jamison considered how his opinion of the Admiral had changed over the years . The first time Stark had been on Seaview , Jamison had pegged him as pompous and arrogant and wondered how Admiral Nelson could ever consider him a friend . Like the rest of the crew of the Seaview , he had resented Stark 's treatment of the Captain . Then , Admiral Nelson had suffered an adverse drug reaction that affected his judgment and the Captain had risked a charge of mutiny to save Seaview . Jamison had been surprised when Stark reversed himself and changed his attitude toward the Captain . And , now , here he was worrying over the Captain just like Nelson . As if Nelson weren 't bad enough , thought Jamison , now I 'm going to have two of them to placate . No , three , actually , including Chip . Jamison sighed to himself , I 'd better have a big breakfast ! Crane was lying in bed , propped up slightly on pillows when Stark entered his room . He smiled when he saw his visitor and said , " Admiral Stark , I 'm glad you 're here . I want to thank you for saving me from Mitchell . " Admiral Stark sat on a chair near the bed before answering , " You don 't have to thank me , Captain , any more than I have to thank you for saving Nelson and the Seaview . I saved a good man from harm at the hands of an evil man , same as you did . Neither one of us could have done anything else , could we ? " Admiral Stark continued , " There is something that I do have to thank you for and that 's your trust in me . You went into danger on just my say - so . Captain , I 've learned something from you . I 've had men follow my orders because they were afraid of me due to my rank , not because they trusted me . Your men follow you because they trust you . It 's a heavy responsibility , living up to that kind of trust , but I guess you already know that . I hope I can carry that responsibility as well as you do . " The Admiral wouldn 't let him continue . " No need to say anything , Captain . I just needed to say that to you . Now , I 'm sure that Nelson and Morton are here by now so I 'm going to go . I 'll see you before you sail , Captain . " Admiral Stark nodded and left . When he walked out into the hall , he saw that Nelson and Morton were there . They were talking to Jamison and he wondered if Jamison had told them he 'd spent the night here . " Jiggs , " Nelson greeted him . " I didn 't expect to see you here so early . Jamie was just telling us that Lee will probably be released tomorrow . " " That is good news , " replied Stark . " He seemed much better just now . I , ah , had a few things to say to him and we had a good talk . " Admiral Nelson 's smile faded slightly as he realized that he , too , needed to talk to the Captain . He hadn 't had a chance to confess his feelings of doubt and betrayal to Lee , either there 'd been others around or Lee had been asleep . He dreaded facing his Captain , but knew he couldn 't put it off any longer . Stark and Morton both noticed the change in the Admiral 's demeanor . Chip broke the awkward silence . The Admiral nodded absently , his eyes going over to the door on Lee 's room . Jamison walked away with the others , leaving the Admiral alone in the hall . He squared his shoulders and walked over to the door . Opening the door quietly , he saw Lee lying on the bed , his head turned away from the door in the direction of the window . Nelson hesitated , thinking Lee might have gone back to sleep . It 's just as well , he thought , I really don 't know what I 'd say to him . He turned to leave but then a soft voice called out to him . " You thought I betrayed you . " Lee said quietly . " Admiral , I 'm sorry I caused you so much pain . I didn 't want to , but I didn 't know how else to protect you . I wanted to come to you , explain what I was doing and why I was doing it , but . . " Lee nodded miserably . " And you and Seaview might have both have been destroyed . I couldn 't let that happen . I know I betrayed your trust by not telling you . I 'll understand if you don 't feel you can trust me anymore and want to replace me as Seaview 's Captain . " " Lee , " the Admiral 's voice was incredulous , " You never betrayed my trust . I was the one who betrayed you when I doubted your loyalty . I don 't know how I could ever have done that . I wish there were some way I could make it up to you , but nothing I could ever do would be enough . " Lee was very quiet when he finished and the Admiral decided it was time to lighten the tone of the conversation . " Jamie said he 'll probably let you out of here tomorrow . That will give you a few more days to relax and enjoy staying at the cottage . Chip says the maintenance work on Seaview will take until the end of the week . " " Lee , " the Admiral laughed , " You do not need to see those reports and no one is going to bring them to you . Chip can take care of the maintenance . If you feel you need something to read , then you can read your book . " The Admiral handed Lee the Patrick O ' Brian novel he had been reading the day before . Lee accepted the book , but he still grumbled a bit and insisted that the Admiral have Chip come by and at least give him an oral report on the maintenance . The Admiral agreed and then took leave of his Captain . Jamison , who saw him leave from his position at the nurse 's station , was pleased to see the smile on his face and the spring in his step . It looked like everything would soon be back to normal on Seaview . The Exec straightened up and faced the Chief . " Very good , Chief . The Admiral and the Skipper should be arriving any minute . Admiral Stark arranged for a car to bring them here . " The Chief debated about asking a question of the Exec , but Morton seemed to be in a pretty good mood so he decided to risk it . " Mr . Morton , I hear that Admiral Stark was the one who saved the Skipper when Admiral Mitchell took him hostage . Is that true ? " The Chief grinned at the picture in his mind , " Boy , I would have liked to have seen that . I never pictured Admiral Stark as an action hero . " Instantly , he regretted his words . Mr . Morton was very proper and didn 't appreciate such comments about superior officers . He was sure he had earned himself a reprimand , but Mr . Morton was still smiling . " Describing him as an action hero is pretty accurate . The Skipper said he could use him on ONI missions . " The Exec noted the Chief 's relief with amusement . " Chief , I 'd like you to go topside and watch for the Admiral and the Skipper . We 'll sail as soon as they 're aboard . " As soon as he got outside , the Chief saw Admiral Stark 's car pull up . Admiral Stark was the first one to get out and Sharkey watched him turn and lend a hand to the Captain . The Skipper still looked a bit too thin to Sharkey , but even if Doc wouldn 't let him stand watches , Seaview and the crew would be happy just to have him aboard . He continued to watch as the officers shook hands and then Admiral Nelson clapped the Captain on the shoulder as they turned and walked towards Seaview . Sharkey could feel his grin widening as they approached . The Captain greeted Sharkey warmly as he boarded Seaview and when the Chief followed the Captain into the Control Room , he saw every crew member on duty there was wearing the same ear - to - ear grin . Even Mr . Morton was smiling as he gave the order to sail . Seaview glided majestically into the water , her Captain and her crew whole once again and ready for new challenges . |
Through the years , I have come in contact with a lot of people who misunderstand forgiveness . Forgiveness is for me . It helps me let go of the fear , anger and bitterness , so that I can heal . Forgiving someone does not mean that we subject ourselves to them or their issues anymore . We do not continue to extend trust to someone who has been untrustworthy just because we forgive them . I was able to forgive because of my faith in and love for Jesus Christ . Jesus Christ has said that of us it is required to forgive all men . The Bible mentions forgiving someone who has trespassed against us seventy times seven . When you have been abused or have gone through the things that I have , it can seem crazy at first to even try to forgive someone . It is important that we recognize that forgiving someone does not mean that we justify or accept their bad behavior . That is something completely different . The definition of forgiveness is : a conscious and deliberate decision to release feelings of vengeance or resentment towards someone . One of my favorite talks on forgiveness , talks about an entire community forgiving what many would say is unforgivable . But yet , they did it so perfectly . My path to finding forgiveness started out logical . It was a decision that I made . And it was based on the simple truth that Jesus already paid for the sins of those who had trespassed against me . I pondered upon my desire to be forgiven of my sins . And the Lord has told us if we want forgiveness , then we must forgive others . I wondered why that was . After a lot of thought , I realized that the Savior has already paid a very high price for the sins of all mankind . If I refuse to accept his sacrifice on behalf of those who have hurt me , it is like me saying that what he did was not good enough . I am demanding more from him and others . I am denying the power of the atonement . If I have faith in Jesus Christ , I believe that he will make all things right . This does not mean that we do not hold mankind accountable to the laws that they have broken here Posted by Today I hear so many women saying that they don 't need a man . They state that they can get by on their own . In the sense of survival , sure , they can get by . However , I don 't want to just get by . I want to fully live . Looking at current statistics , half of marriages are ending in divorce today . And another glaring trend is a decline in people getting married at all . A lot of people are living with each other for a short time , making babies together , and then splitting up . Some are not even together , they are just hooking up for a night or two , and then parting ways . Even in this situation , they still often become parents . Because I have had the childhood , and even some of the adulthood that I have had , I know that the value of a good man is priceless . Did I grow up in a perfect home ? No , I did not . I don 't think that there really is such a thing . But , because of what I did not have , I realized the value of having it . It is not my intention to embarrass anyone in my family or who have been in my family with this post . It is my intention to share why I feel the way I do about men . It is also my intention to reveal more of what shaped me to be the person that I am today . As well as talk about how things are still shaping me now . I run the risk of upsetting certain people , but I am taking that risk , because this is about my truth and speaking it . Chances are that about 50 % of the people who will read this post will have been through divorce as a child . They will know already how it feels to be in this situation , so I am addressing those who have not been . However , I also know that a lot of children have parents who make sure that they do not feel like they are in the middle , so they have had a very different experience than I have . Both of them were experiencing a lot of pain , and there were situations that many people would not be able to forgive . I understood . I told myself that they are two different people . They disagree on some things that would make a marriage difficult . They were toxic for each other . Whenever I was around them , they would tell me how horrible the other parent was . I was told stories about why they were divorced . While these stories may have been true , I was a child . I was being torn apart and told that I needed to choose a side . I struggled early on with not having my father around . I would make up stories to tell my mom when she picked me up from pre - school about how my dad came to see me and spent the day with me . Of course , it was other girls that were seeing their fathers that I was taking about . I rarely got to see mine . Eventually , I did try living with my father when I was 17 , and the emotional pain that this caused , was intense . I ended up feeling like a burden to both of my parents . This led to other dumb choices on my part . If this was all there was to tell , then maybe my story would not have been too bad to live through , but this was only the beginning . Both of my parents remarried . My mother remarried when I was 5 years old , and we relocated to Wyoming . The marriage only lasted for 4 months , and one of my adorable sisters came from this union . While this marriage was short , I had one of the best birthday parties that I remember having . There was a lot of good in it , that I wanted to have in my own marriage and life someday . We had family home evening , scripture and prayer , and I was happier than I ever remember being . I loved being able to see rabbits in my yard , and go with my step dad to watch the antelope run in the valley below . I won a Halloween costume contest , and have many fond memories . However , I will be honest . I resented him for years for ending that marriage . About three years ago , he came to me and apologized . He understood why I was angry . He too felt that if he would have stuck things out , that I would not have had the childhood I did . He is still a kind and gentle man that I truly look up to . I feel that my sister is lucky to have him as her father . She has had a very different experience than I did . And I am happy that is the case for her . Eventually , my mom remarried . My father was still enlarging his family with his second wife . This time , the man my mom married was not nice . The five years that she was married to him I lived in Idaho and New Mexico , and they left some of the deepest scars that I have . I felt that my mom must not have loved me to stay married to that man . Three of my amazing sisters came from this marriage . I honestly still struggle when I reflect on my life with him . I am certain that my sisters do not remember the things that my brothers and I do . And , because they are enjoying their lives , and he is still alive , I am not going to mention everything in detail . But , I will mention what is commonly known . He was abusive . This is when I learned to never cry . Crying was a weakness . If I cried , he only felt more empowered and things got worse . If I was tough and had no emotions , he left me alone much faster . My brothers suffered a lot more than I . He was more physical with them . He would deny us food if we did not have everything that he wanted done . My mother would often sneak a piece of bread into us when he wasn 't looking . I would often worry about my brothers and sisters having enough food , so I tried to eat less . He was very mean to my cute little sister from my mom 's second marriage . I still cry when I think about it . I felt so helpless . I wanted to help her , and my sisters , but I knew exactly how strong he was . He had left bruises on my arms more than once , and shoved me into things cutting open my leg . He threatened to kill me twice . Once he chased me into the street by my elementary school into oncoming traffic . My 6th grade teacher happened to be in one of the cars and tried to protect me . Another time , he took me out to the side of the house and pulled out a gun and placed it against my head . Some neighbors saw this happen , and that is why when we left , his gun was taken away for a time . I already learned very early on not to mess with him . My brothers started to create plans on how to get rid of him . They were tired of being kicked awake and screamed at . They didn 't want to be his martial arts practice dummies anymore . I knew that he was hurting his own children . He would put a glass over their mouth to try to quiet their screams . When my mother discovered that what I was saying was true , that he was sexually abusing his own daughters , she left him . We left all we owned behind and left in the middle of the night . When my grandmother passed away , my mother was given the picture I drew when we arrived at my grandmother 's house . It has an eagle soaring over the mountains with the sun just rising . It says , " Free at Last . Thank God Almighty . " When I was 16 , my mom remarried again . This marriage lasted ten years . He had some interesting quirks , and he was self abusive . He would often hit himself and pull his hair when he got upset . The way he acted really scared me , and that is why I went to live with my father . I lived with my father for only 9 months . There is a lot I could write about just that part of my life , but I will say that it was very difficult . It was hard to adjust to different rules , I struggled with my mom feeling that I did not love her , and I struggled with feeling like an outsider in my father 's family . I love my step mom and brothers and sisters , but I never really got to feel like part of the family , and that is still the case today . He was a stranger to me most of the time . After their marriage ended , my mom remarried , and that marriage lasted about 3 years . The situation was about the same . I never connected much with my step dad . I had already had shut that door . I went through divorce after being married 14 years . ( I will write about that another time . ) I stayed in that marriage because I did not want to be my mother . For me , divorce was failing at that time . The reality is , the marriage should have never taken place , but I wanted to escape . I thought I could live " happily ever after " by getting out of my mother 's house . A short while later , I remarried . That marriage lasted 2 years . ( Also will write about that later ) . It was devastating on many levels . I felt that I had become my mother anyway . I learned some hard lessons about judging others , which I want to share , that I will post later as well . I have now been married for almost a year . When we were married , I was told that I would experience marriage for the first time , and that I needed to look at this marriage as if it was my first and only marriage . The sealer ( the man who married us ) has been right so far . My experiences have been completely different . My husband has focused a great deal on helping me to heal . He is kind and thoughtful . We have struggled , just like any blended family does . I am grateful that he is my husband . I am grateful that he is part of my life . I know that the progress and healing that has occurred recently has a lot to do with the way , and how much he loves me . I have never ever had someone take care of all my needs the way that he does . And it is through him , that I have come to believe that there are good men out there . They are all around us , and they are valuable . It is my hope , that my children will be influenced for the better by him . Since we have been married , their grades have improved tremendously , they have begun to blossom as well , and they are excelling in so many different areas . Spiritually , physically , artistically , and so many other ways . As I watch him help raise and discipline the children , I see the childhood I wish that I would have had . And somehow , it helps me continue to heal to see him love them . He helps them with their homework , repairs their computers , helps with their chores , focuses on their needs , it is just a beautiful thing . Even before he came along , I knew the importance of a father . I knew that having a man involved in my life mattered . Boys need a good man to train them how to be good , hardworking men and how to treat women in their lives ; girls need a good man to show them how they should expect to be treated ; that they are always loved , so that they do not seek approval and acceptance outside of themselves . When I lived in Missouri , I wrote a song to deal with all of the emotions that I felt about my childhood involving fathers not being there . That it seemed like they were always leaving . It was when I was 14 , that I realized that I had a Father in Heaven who loved me ALL the time no matter what ! And that he was not going to ever leave me . It is my relationship with HIM that has gotten me through everything in my life . It is because of him , that I am who I am today . He took every single trial and tribulation and used it for my good . And for that I am grateful . I have been able to enjoy having a lot of great friends and acquaintances in my life , but I have not let too many people in at all . In fact , I usually would be the person that everyone else brings their troubles and worries to . This doesn 't bother me , I enjoy it . I love being able to help others overcome their pain and disappointment in life . Over the last several months , I have been striving to be more open about who I am , what shaped me into who I am today , and what I really think about things . I hate conflict , and will go along to get along to avoid it . However , I have reached a point where I just want to be me . I want to be myself . I do not care if who I am offends people right now . I just need to do this for me , so that I can continue to grow and progress in this life . Right now , I feel that it is important that I talk about the things that I have hidden throughout my life . The pain that I have experienced . Prior to now , I have written a booklet that I self published that mentions some things . I am currently working on a novel , that goes into my experiences a lot more , but those experiences are not clearly stated like they happened . They are written in a fairytale / fantasy world way . A few days ago , I realized that I was still hiding . I was writing about things , but I was not really revealing things . I determined to have more courage . To tell my stories . To reveal those things that I kept as secrets . Recently , I have had many friends and associates talk openly about abuse that has happened to them . One of them has been working through things very openly and on social media . I personally am sharing my stories to help others . I do not want those who are being abused to stay quiet . I want those who are still healing to find people that they can turn to , to talk about it . I want them to hold the people who abused them accountable . And then , I want them to find forgiveness , for themselves . That is why I am sharing one of my stories of sexual abuse . When I feel moved to write , I will share more of them . There is a small little brown brick house in Orem , Utah . Whenever I am visiting that area , I still drive by it sometimes . It is easy for me to spot . It is a dark brown brick , and has the house number 69 on it made from old wood . I have many memories there . Some that are good , some that built faith , but many that caused me pain . In one of my books that I started to write and never published , I referred to it as the " Monster House . " I had memories of a private school teacher leaving bruises on my arms while I lived there . I remember having several pets die in the short time I lived there as well . I nearly choked a couple of times as well . I stumbled on some stray cat 's frozen dead kittens in the garage one morning . It was one of the saddest memories that I had there . Looking back , I understand that at 4 years old , this was a lot to go through . But , there is one thing and one thing only that determined what I called it , and that was being molested . My parents had been divorced over a year . I was living with my mother and two younger brothers . My mother dated a lot . One particular night , she decided that she was going to go out . I do not know if I just went to bed early , or if she left after we were asleep , but I was not aware that she was gone . . I was lying warm and cozy in my bed . I suddenly felt an uncomfortable feeling , and I woke up . I noticed that the hall light was on , and both of my brothers were laying on the floor in the hallway outside my door . I felt a different presence in the house . I was filled with fear . I heard creeping footsteps coming down the hall . I instinctively knew that they were not my mother 's . Her step was much lighter than those were . I saw a dark shadow fill the doorway . I was terrified . I could not see any features at all . I could just tell that it was an older boy . I was not sure why he was there . I did not dare call out for my mother . I simply decided to pretend to be asleep and hoped that he would go away . He didn 't . Instead , he came right up to my bed . He pulled down my covers a little ways . I held my breath . I thought that if I pretended to be dead , that he would just leave me alone . It was then that he slid his hand into my panties . He touched me for a short while . I immediately thought about what to do . I wanted to get away , but did not know how . I decided to pretend to be waking up . I started to moan and make sounds . I quickly rolled over and shoved myself between my mattress and the wall . I kept going down the side of the bed , until I knew that I was unreachable . He left the room . I was so shocked , I did not know what to do . I did not tell my mother or discuss it with anyone . A few days later , while I was at my grandmother 's house playing on the floor with my brothers , she said to my mother , " Something is wrong with Charity . " My mother decided to take me in the other room and ask me if something was wrong . I told her . I honestly do not remember how much I told her , but I remember that I let her know that I had been molested by the male babysitter that had come to the house . My mother was not sure what to do . At that time , abuse was not talked about much . She did go to our church leader and talk about it . However , she was told that I probably made it up . She never went to the police , and that was the end of what was done about it . I do not blame anyone for the lack of support or therapy , they had no idea what to do . I do not know if my mother knows the name of the older boy who did this or not , but even if I knew his name , I would not smear it in the mud right now . This is not that kind of post . For years , I felt that something was ' wrong ' with me . I believed that I was ' broken ' . I felt unworthy of love , and I trusted very little . Other experiences of abuse also occurred after this , which caused me to become even more silent and withdrawn . Those who feel they know me well are shocked to learn anything about my past , or my childhood . They can 't believe that I could go through all I have , and be the person that I am . And while it definitely is the most painful types of experiences to go through , I have accepted that I am who I am because of it . And I like who I am today . However , it took a long and painful journey to get to this point . I am not going to go into all the ways that being molested affected me in this post . I am sure that it will come out bit by bit as I continue to share my life story with you . However , I want to also say that knowing these things I mentioned above can limit the negative side effects . It is important to reach a point of wholeness so that you can enjoy your life fully . Being molested did take away my innocence at that age . I did not have that care free attitude inside that most kids do who are not molested . The world became a dark and scary place for me early in my life . However , I determined as an adult , that I was not going to let him rob me of the rest of my life . It was not until I was in my late teens that I realized decisions I made and struggles that I had that were rooted in this one experience . And that is why I share this with you now . If I can help one person find healing sooner , then it is worth it . It was November of 1997 . I was working as an assistant manager in the local grocery store deli . I had already worked that morning , but the manager was out of town , and the employee who was supposed to work that day had not shown up for her shift . I was called in to relieve the other employee who had also been there all morning with me . I was already exhausted . Even though I was about 5 months along in my pregnancy , I had just barely gotten over horrendous morning sickness . My morning sickness had been so violent that at times the blood vessels in my throat would break and blood would come up with the vomit . I had been miserable . However , because I was feeling so much better , I decided to return to work , and was quickly promoted to assistant manager . I was not really happy about going back into work , but I believed in fulfilling my duty , so I went . On my way in , I was struck by a man that was running out the in door . He had shoplifted and was trying to outrun security . All I remember is his giant , shiny , silver belt buckle before he hit me . He was much taller than I . When he hit me , everything went black and blurry . I felt disoriented . Once I had gathered my senses , I hurried on to the back of the store to the deli . As I was rushing down an aisle , I collided with a cart being pushed by a little old lady . It hit me right in the abdomen . I immediately felt nauseous . I did not know what to do . I felt like I started bleeding . I went back to the counter and I relieved the other employee . Only being 20 years old , and never this far along before , I had no idea what pregnancy danger signs were . I started cramping . I panicked , but decided to call my mom . She came and tried to console me . And at that moment , I realized that this was my son that I was talking about . I decided I needed to go home . I was told that I would be fired . I said that I did not care and left . I went home , my mother gave me some herbs to help stop miscarriage . The cramping stopped , and I went on bed rest . I stayed on bed rest for the next two weeks . During this time , I kept telling my husband and my mother that I thought something was wrong . I did not feel the baby move anymore . I asked questions about what if the baby was dead etc . I had an ultrasound scheduled , so I determined to see the doctor then . When my husband and I arrived for the ultrasound , I went through the regular check in procedure . I was told that white blood cells had been found in my urine . I was not sure what that meant at the time . I waited to be seen by the technician . As soon as she started the ultrasound , I knew that my son was dead . It was obvious to me . I could see that he had no heartbeat and that is mouth was open . The technician said she needed to go and get the doctor . While she was gone , I tried to break the news to my husband . I tried to tell him that our son was dead . He did not believe me . He thought I was being paranoid . So , when the doctor broke the news to him , he completely broke down . My focus turned to comforting him . That is just how I was at the time . I felt like I had to be the strong one . I had to be tough and be the rock that he needed . I knew that my battle was far from over . I would still have to go through labor . I knew that I was going to have to face a lot of things . I am very pro life , so when the doctor suggested inducing labor immediately , I was scared . I was concerned about whether or not he was really dead . It was surreal for me . I questioned if maybe I just saw him dead because that is what I expected . I wondered if somehow his heart could start beating again . The last thing I wanted to do was kill my own son . I spoke with several family members and my mother questioned the doctor about my concerns . Once I came to terms with what I was going to have to do , I agreed to go to the hospital and be induced . After all , he had been dead over 2 weeks , and I did not want to end up dying myself . On Dec . 9 , 1997 I went to my local hospital . The first nurse told me that she would stay by me and help me . I told her that I knew that the baby was breech . She told me not to worry about that , that she would help turn him when that time came . After getting my IV started , the nurse returned and told me that my doctor 's office had called in a nurse just for me , and that they were going to move me to an area of the hospital that was more quiet and private . At first , this sounded like a very kind thing to do for me . I had no idea , that the nurse that was coming in for me was going to make this painful experience even harder for me . Somehow , in my young life , I had gotten the impression that a real woman doesn 't cry during labor . She is tough and just does what she needs to do . I had a lot of questions and concerns , but I did not voice any of them , because I felt like I had no idea what I was doing , and I thought about everyone else 's needs at the time . My father , mother , step mother , brothers , and paternal grandparents were there , along with my husband . I really wanted to just be alone and cry about what was happening , but I never said a word about that . The nurse came in a started my pitocin . She also gave me a vaginal suppository to speed up the softening and thinning of my cervix . The contractions did not feel that much different to me than cramping had since I hit puberty . I have endometriosis , so at times the pain would be so great , that I had to get injections at the ER just to make the cramping tolerable . It usually knocked me out . I felt like the cramping I had experienced for years somehow prepared me for this moment . My father kept track of the length of the contractions and how far apart they were . Things started happening very rapidly . The doctor was on his way to the hospital still , so the nurse was trying to slow things down . She would come into my room , and try to push my legs shut and tell me to try not to labor . This made me furious . I felt like she did not care about me at all . She constantly kept leaving the room . She did not explain where she was going . I knew that my son was going to need to be delivered soon . Just as I started to feel intense pressure balling up in my uterus , my water broke . I told everyone in the room . My father , brothers , and grandparents left the room and went to wait in the hallway . Just as I felt that anxious feeling that the baby was coming , I heard a woman start screaming . I heard what sounded like a vacuum or loud suction being used . She started screaming about wanting to be able to walk out of the hospital when she left , and that she didn 't want them to hurt her baby . This terrified me . I felt even more panic than I did before . I hid my emotions , like I always did . I am sure that no one in that room knew what was going on inside my head . I told my mother that I think that he is starting to come out . She and my stepmother came to my aid . My mother told me that he was breech . She and my stepmother worked together to deliver everything except for his head . Right then the nurse came in and my stepmother excused herself . I was told that she had not expected my baby to look like a baby , and it was a bit much for her . At this point , I just wanted to hit the nurse . I wanted a fly swatter to hit her with . I have no idea why I that was my weapon of choice . As she got between my legs to assess what to do next , her bushy hair was in just the right spot that I could have grabbed it and gave it quite a tug . And I wanted to ! I wanted to pull her hair . I had felt abandoned by her , and she was the last person that I wanted to have in my room . I felt another contraction , and I started to push . The nurse told me to push , and I said to her , " I am you idiot . " Which shocked even me . Once my son was born , she quickly whisked him away . My mother pulled the sheet over me , and everyone came back into my room , except my grandparents , they had left . Shortly after that , the doctor arrived . He told everyone that we were just waiting for me to deliver the after birth . I explained to him that I already had . He was surprised , came over to lift the sheet , and grabbed the placenta . He then proceeded to give everyone an education about where the baby was and how everything worked . I was a little surprised at this , but was exhausted , so I decided I just did not care anymore . After everyone left , the nurses brought my my son . He looked like a miniature adult . He did not have all that cute baby fat . He looked like a small man . I was shocked by this . But at the same time , I was amazed that he was so perfectly formed . I noticed that he had trauma to his head , which I knew that was how he died . However , the doctors did not want to believe that my accident at work had killed him . They tried to test me for German Measles , a negative RH factor and whatever else , and of course , all those tests came back as not the way he died . When one of the nurses was showing me my son , she accidentally pulled part of his nose off . She asked me if I wanted to hold him . I was not sure what was " OK " to do , or how I should feel . I was scared , and so I told her no . They gave me medication to help me sleep and I slept through the night . In the morning , other family came , including my in laws ( at the time ) . A volunteer came and brought me a little hat , baby blanket , angel pin , and talked to me about my son . They asked me if I wanted to bury him . I wanted to . My in laws told me that it was too expensive . That he was really small , so it was not worth it to bury him . I felt pressured to do what they wanted , and so I agreed to let him be incinerated at the hospital . I regret not burying my son . Not taking the time to hold him . With how others were responding to his death , I was afraid to feel anything . I want anything . Many people acted like it was no big deal , that he was not a baby . It made things all the more painful . When I was asked if I was going to name him by the hospital staff , I hesitated . At this point , I felt like I shouldn 't name him because of those acting like nothing had just happened . As I was pondering about this , I heard a whisper . " His name is Ammon . " I told the nurse that his name is Ammon . As I gathered my things to leave the hospital , I took a moment to look at my reflection in the mirror by the door . I was shocked to see that I looked somewhat angelic . I made a mental note to never again judge someone by their appearance . We never know what they may have just been through . I struggled with Ammon 's death . I had miscarried right before this pregnancy , and I was certain I was not going to have any children . All my life , all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mother . I was devastated . I had a friend who had been baptized the same day as I contact me and tell me that she had her son die as well about six months before mine . I found great comfort in the information that she had to share with me , and books that she told me to read . I got an angel statue to remember Ammon by , and everywhere I moved I planted a rose bush for him and put the angel by it . When my youngest was born in 2001 , someone stole that angel right off my front porch . I took time to create a baby book for him , and did anything that came to mind to help me cope and grieve privately . Even after I had children , I struggled with going to church on Mother 's Day . I hated Halloween . All the references to death just really depressed me . I posted it online , and discovered other women going through the same thing found comfort in it . People who found it share with people that they cared about who were grieving . I decided last year to make it a lyric video and share it on YouTube so that other grieving parents could find it . Doing this has helped me heal more than anything . It gives me a greater purpose for my pain . Talking about my son , remembering him every year , and sharing his song to help others has helped me . Grief is a very personal process , it is going to be different for everyone . It is my hope , that if you are reading this because you are grieving , that my song will help you too . |
Through the years , I have come in contact with a lot of people who misunderstand forgiveness . Forgiveness is for me . It helps me let go of the fear , anger and bitterness , so that I can heal . Forgiving someone does not mean that we subject ourselves to them or their issues anymore . We do not continue to extend trust to someone who has been untrustworthy just because we forgive them . I was able to forgive because of my faith in and love for Jesus Christ . Jesus Christ has said that of us it is required to forgive all men . The Bible mentions forgiving someone who has trespassed against us seventy times seven . When you have been abused or have gone through the things that I have , it can seem crazy at first to even try to forgive someone . It is important that we recognize that forgiving someone does not mean that we justify or accept their bad behavior . That is something completely different . The definition of forgiveness is : a conscious and deliberate decision to release feelings of vengeance or resentment towards someone . One of my favorite talks on forgiveness , talks about an entire community forgiving what many would say is unforgivable . But yet , they did it so perfectly . My path to finding forgiveness started out logical . It was a decision that I made . And it was based on the simple truth that Jesus already paid for the sins of those who had trespassed against me . I pondered upon my desire to be forgiven of my sins . And the Lord has told us if we want forgiveness , then we must forgive others . I wondered why that was . After a lot of thought , I realized that the Savior has already paid a very high price for the sins of all mankind . If I refuse to accept his sacrifice on behalf of those who have hurt me , it is like me saying that what he did was not good enough . I am demanding more from him and others . I am denying the power of the atonement . If I have faith in Jesus Christ , I believe that he will make all things right . This does not mean that we do not hold mankind accountable to the laws that they have broken here Posted by Today I hear so many women saying that they don 't need a man . They state that they can get by on their own . In the sense of survival , sure , they can get by . However , I don 't want to just get by . I want to fully live . Looking at current statistics , half of marriages are ending in divorce today . And another glaring trend is a decline in people getting married at all . A lot of people are living with each other for a short time , making babies together , and then splitting up . Some are not even together , they are just hooking up for a night or two , and then parting ways . Even in this situation , they still often become parents . Because I have had the childhood , and even some of the adulthood that I have had , I know that the value of a good man is priceless . Did I grow up in a perfect home ? No , I did not . I don 't think that there really is such a thing . But , because of what I did not have , I realized the value of having it . It is not my intention to embarrass anyone in my family or who have been in my family with this post . It is my intention to share why I feel the way I do about men . It is also my intention to reveal more of what shaped me to be the person that I am today . As well as talk about how things are still shaping me now . I run the risk of upsetting certain people , but I am taking that risk , because this is about my truth and speaking it . Chances are that about 50 % of the people who will read this post will have been through divorce as a child . They will know already how it feels to be in this situation , so I am addressing those who have not been . However , I also know that a lot of children have parents who make sure that they do not feel like they are in the middle , so they have had a very different experience than I have . Both of them were experiencing a lot of pain , and there were situations that many people would not be able to forgive . I understood . I told myself that they are two different people . They disagree on some things that would make a marriage difficult . They were toxic for each other . Whenever I was around them , they would tell me how horrible the other parent was . I was told stories about why they were divorced . While these stories may have been true , I was a child . I was being torn apart and told that I needed to choose a side . I struggled early on with not having my father around . I would make up stories to tell my mom when she picked me up from pre - school about how my dad came to see me and spent the day with me . Of course , it was other girls that were seeing their fathers that I was taking about . I rarely got to see mine . Eventually , I did try living with my father when I was 17 , and the emotional pain that this caused , was intense . I ended up feeling like a burden to both of my parents . This led to other dumb choices on my part . If this was all there was to tell , then maybe my story would not have been too bad to live through , but this was only the beginning . Both of my parents remarried . My mother remarried when I was 5 years old , and we relocated to Wyoming . The marriage only lasted for 4 months , and one of my adorable sisters came from this union . While this marriage was short , I had one of the best birthday parties that I remember having . There was a lot of good in it , that I wanted to have in my own marriage and life someday . We had family home evening , scripture and prayer , and I was happier than I ever remember being . I loved being able to see rabbits in my yard , and go with my step dad to watch the antelope run in the valley below . I won a Halloween costume contest , and have many fond memories . However , I will be honest . I resented him for years for ending that marriage . About three years ago , he came to me and apologized . He understood why I was angry . He too felt that if he would have stuck things out , that I would not have had the childhood I did . He is still a kind and gentle man that I truly look up to . I feel that my sister is lucky to have him as her father . She has had a very different experience than I did . And I am happy that is the case for her . Eventually , my mom remarried . My father was still enlarging his family with his second wife . This time , the man my mom married was not nice . The five years that she was married to him I lived in Idaho and New Mexico , and they left some of the deepest scars that I have . I felt that my mom must not have loved me to stay married to that man . Three of my amazing sisters came from this marriage . I honestly still struggle when I reflect on my life with him . I am certain that my sisters do not remember the things that my brothers and I do . And , because they are enjoying their lives , and he is still alive , I am not going to mention everything in detail . But , I will mention what is commonly known . He was abusive . This is when I learned to never cry . Crying was a weakness . If I cried , he only felt more empowered and things got worse . If I was tough and had no emotions , he left me alone much faster . My brothers suffered a lot more than I . He was more physical with them . He would deny us food if we did not have everything that he wanted done . My mother would often sneak a piece of bread into us when he wasn 't looking . I would often worry about my brothers and sisters having enough food , so I tried to eat less . He was very mean to my cute little sister from my mom 's second marriage . I still cry when I think about it . I felt so helpless . I wanted to help her , and my sisters , but I knew exactly how strong he was . He had left bruises on my arms more than once , and shoved me into things cutting open my leg . He threatened to kill me twice . Once he chased me into the street by my elementary school into oncoming traffic . My 6th grade teacher happened to be in one of the cars and tried to protect me . Another time , he took me out to the side of the house and pulled out a gun and placed it against my head . Some neighbors saw this happen , and that is why when we left , his gun was taken away for a time . I already learned very early on not to mess with him . My brothers started to create plans on how to get rid of him . They were tired of being kicked awake and screamed at . They didn 't want to be his martial arts practice dummies anymore . I knew that he was hurting his own children . He would put a glass over their mouth to try to quiet their screams . When my mother discovered that what I was saying was true , that he was sexually abusing his own daughters , she left him . We left all we owned behind and left in the middle of the night . When my grandmother passed away , my mother was given the picture I drew when we arrived at my grandmother 's house . It has an eagle soaring over the mountains with the sun just rising . It says , " Free at Last . Thank God Almighty . " When I was 16 , my mom remarried again . This marriage lasted ten years . He had some interesting quirks , and he was self abusive . He would often hit himself and pull his hair when he got upset . The way he acted really scared me , and that is why I went to live with my father . I lived with my father for only 9 months . There is a lot I could write about just that part of my life , but I will say that it was very difficult . It was hard to adjust to different rules , I struggled with my mom feeling that I did not love her , and I struggled with feeling like an outsider in my father 's family . I love my step mom and brothers and sisters , but I never really got to feel like part of the family , and that is still the case today . He was a stranger to me most of the time . After their marriage ended , my mom remarried , and that marriage lasted about 3 years . The situation was about the same . I never connected much with my step dad . I had already had shut that door . I went through divorce after being married 14 years . ( I will write about that another time . ) I stayed in that marriage because I did not want to be my mother . For me , divorce was failing at that time . The reality is , the marriage should have never taken place , but I wanted to escape . I thought I could live " happily ever after " by getting out of my mother 's house . A short while later , I remarried . That marriage lasted 2 years . ( Also will write about that later ) . It was devastating on many levels . I felt that I had become my mother anyway . I learned some hard lessons about judging others , which I want to share , that I will post later as well . I have now been married for almost a year . When we were married , I was told that I would experience marriage for the first time , and that I needed to look at this marriage as if it was my first and only marriage . The sealer ( the man who married us ) has been right so far . My experiences have been completely different . My husband has focused a great deal on helping me to heal . He is kind and thoughtful . We have struggled , just like any blended family does . I am grateful that he is my husband . I am grateful that he is part of my life . I know that the progress and healing that has occurred recently has a lot to do with the way , and how much he loves me . I have never ever had someone take care of all my needs the way that he does . And it is through him , that I have come to believe that there are good men out there . They are all around us , and they are valuable . It is my hope , that my children will be influenced for the better by him . Since we have been married , their grades have improved tremendously , they have begun to blossom as well , and they are excelling in so many different areas . Spiritually , physically , artistically , and so many other ways . As I watch him help raise and discipline the children , I see the childhood I wish that I would have had . And somehow , it helps me continue to heal to see him love them . He helps them with their homework , repairs their computers , helps with their chores , focuses on their needs , it is just a beautiful thing . Even before he came along , I knew the importance of a father . I knew that having a man involved in my life mattered . Boys need a good man to train them how to be good , hardworking men and how to treat women in their lives ; girls need a good man to show them how they should expect to be treated ; that they are always loved , so that they do not seek approval and acceptance outside of themselves . When I lived in Missouri , I wrote a song to deal with all of the emotions that I felt about my childhood involving fathers not being there . That it seemed like they were always leaving . It was when I was 14 , that I realized that I had a Father in Heaven who loved me ALL the time no matter what ! And that he was not going to ever leave me . It is my relationship with HIM that has gotten me through everything in my life . It is because of him , that I am who I am today . He took every single trial and tribulation and used it for my good . And for that I am grateful . I have been able to enjoy having a lot of great friends and acquaintances in my life , but I have not let too many people in at all . In fact , I usually would be the person that everyone else brings their troubles and worries to . This doesn 't bother me , I enjoy it . I love being able to help others overcome their pain and disappointment in life . Over the last several months , I have been striving to be more open about who I am , what shaped me into who I am today , and what I really think about things . I hate conflict , and will go along to get along to avoid it . However , I have reached a point where I just want to be me . I want to be myself . I do not care if who I am offends people right now . I just need to do this for me , so that I can continue to grow and progress in this life . Right now , I feel that it is important that I talk about the things that I have hidden throughout my life . The pain that I have experienced . Prior to now , I have written a booklet that I self published that mentions some things . I am currently working on a novel , that goes into my experiences a lot more , but those experiences are not clearly stated like they happened . They are written in a fairytale / fantasy world way . A few days ago , I realized that I was still hiding . I was writing about things , but I was not really revealing things . I determined to have more courage . To tell my stories . To reveal those things that I kept as secrets . Recently , I have had many friends and associates talk openly about abuse that has happened to them . One of them has been working through things very openly and on social media . I personally am sharing my stories to help others . I do not want those who are being abused to stay quiet . I want those who are still healing to find people that they can turn to , to talk about it . I want them to hold the people who abused them accountable . And then , I want them to find forgiveness , for themselves . That is why I am sharing one of my stories of sexual abuse . When I feel moved to write , I will share more of them . There is a small little brown brick house in Orem , Utah . Whenever I am visiting that area , I still drive by it sometimes . It is easy for me to spot . It is a dark brown brick , and has the house number 69 on it made from old wood . I have many memories there . Some that are good , some that built faith , but many that caused me pain . In one of my books that I started to write and never published , I referred to it as the " Monster House . " I had memories of a private school teacher leaving bruises on my arms while I lived there . I remember having several pets die in the short time I lived there as well . I nearly choked a couple of times as well . I stumbled on some stray cat 's frozen dead kittens in the garage one morning . It was one of the saddest memories that I had there . Looking back , I understand that at 4 years old , this was a lot to go through . But , there is one thing and one thing only that determined what I called it , and that was being molested . My parents had been divorced over a year . I was living with my mother and two younger brothers . My mother dated a lot . One particular night , she decided that she was going to go out . I do not know if I just went to bed early , or if she left after we were asleep , but I was not aware that she was gone . . I was lying warm and cozy in my bed . I suddenly felt an uncomfortable feeling , and I woke up . I noticed that the hall light was on , and both of my brothers were laying on the floor in the hallway outside my door . I felt a different presence in the house . I was filled with fear . I heard creeping footsteps coming down the hall . I instinctively knew that they were not my mother 's . Her step was much lighter than those were . I saw a dark shadow fill the doorway . I was terrified . I could not see any features at all . I could just tell that it was an older boy . I was not sure why he was there . I did not dare call out for my mother . I simply decided to pretend to be asleep and hoped that he would go away . He didn 't . Instead , he came right up to my bed . He pulled down my covers a little ways . I held my breath . I thought that if I pretended to be dead , that he would just leave me alone . It was then that he slid his hand into my panties . He touched me for a short while . I immediately thought about what to do . I wanted to get away , but did not know how . I decided to pretend to be waking up . I started to moan and make sounds . I quickly rolled over and shoved myself between my mattress and the wall . I kept going down the side of the bed , until I knew that I was unreachable . He left the room . I was so shocked , I did not know what to do . I did not tell my mother or discuss it with anyone . A few days later , while I was at my grandmother 's house playing on the floor with my brothers , she said to my mother , " Something is wrong with Charity . " My mother decided to take me in the other room and ask me if something was wrong . I told her . I honestly do not remember how much I told her , but I remember that I let her know that I had been molested by the male babysitter that had come to the house . My mother was not sure what to do . At that time , abuse was not talked about much . She did go to our church leader and talk about it . However , she was told that I probably made it up . She never went to the police , and that was the end of what was done about it . I do not blame anyone for the lack of support or therapy , they had no idea what to do . I do not know if my mother knows the name of the older boy who did this or not , but even if I knew his name , I would not smear it in the mud right now . This is not that kind of post . For years , I felt that something was ' wrong ' with me . I believed that I was ' broken ' . I felt unworthy of love , and I trusted very little . Other experiences of abuse also occurred after this , which caused me to become even more silent and withdrawn . Those who feel they know me well are shocked to learn anything about my past , or my childhood . They can 't believe that I could go through all I have , and be the person that I am . And while it definitely is the most painful types of experiences to go through , I have accepted that I am who I am because of it . And I like who I am today . However , it took a long and painful journey to get to this point . I am not going to go into all the ways that being molested affected me in this post . I am sure that it will come out bit by bit as I continue to share my life story with you . However , I want to also say that knowing these things I mentioned above can limit the negative side effects . It is important to reach a point of wholeness so that you can enjoy your life fully . Being molested did take away my innocence at that age . I did not have that care free attitude inside that most kids do who are not molested . The world became a dark and scary place for me early in my life . However , I determined as an adult , that I was not going to let him rob me of the rest of my life . It was not until I was in my late teens that I realized decisions I made and struggles that I had that were rooted in this one experience . And that is why I share this with you now . If I can help one person find healing sooner , then it is worth it . It was November of 1997 . I was working as an assistant manager in the local grocery store deli . I had already worked that morning , but the manager was out of town , and the employee who was supposed to work that day had not shown up for her shift . I was called in to relieve the other employee who had also been there all morning with me . I was already exhausted . Even though I was about 5 months along in my pregnancy , I had just barely gotten over horrendous morning sickness . My morning sickness had been so violent that at times the blood vessels in my throat would break and blood would come up with the vomit . I had been miserable . However , because I was feeling so much better , I decided to return to work , and was quickly promoted to assistant manager . I was not really happy about going back into work , but I believed in fulfilling my duty , so I went . On my way in , I was struck by a man that was running out the in door . He had shoplifted and was trying to outrun security . All I remember is his giant , shiny , silver belt buckle before he hit me . He was much taller than I . When he hit me , everything went black and blurry . I felt disoriented . Once I had gathered my senses , I hurried on to the back of the store to the deli . As I was rushing down an aisle , I collided with a cart being pushed by a little old lady . It hit me right in the abdomen . I immediately felt nauseous . I did not know what to do . I felt like I started bleeding . I went back to the counter and I relieved the other employee . Only being 20 years old , and never this far along before , I had no idea what pregnancy danger signs were . I started cramping . I panicked , but decided to call my mom . She came and tried to console me . And at that moment , I realized that this was my son that I was talking about . I decided I needed to go home . I was told that I would be fired . I said that I did not care and left . I went home , my mother gave me some herbs to help stop miscarriage . The cramping stopped , and I went on bed rest . I stayed on bed rest for the next two weeks . During this time , I kept telling my husband and my mother that I thought something was wrong . I did not feel the baby move anymore . I asked questions about what if the baby was dead etc . I had an ultrasound scheduled , so I determined to see the doctor then . When my husband and I arrived for the ultrasound , I went through the regular check in procedure . I was told that white blood cells had been found in my urine . I was not sure what that meant at the time . I waited to be seen by the technician . As soon as she started the ultrasound , I knew that my son was dead . It was obvious to me . I could see that he had no heartbeat and that is mouth was open . The technician said she needed to go and get the doctor . While she was gone , I tried to break the news to my husband . I tried to tell him that our son was dead . He did not believe me . He thought I was being paranoid . So , when the doctor broke the news to him , he completely broke down . My focus turned to comforting him . That is just how I was at the time . I felt like I had to be the strong one . I had to be tough and be the rock that he needed . I knew that my battle was far from over . I would still have to go through labor . I knew that I was going to have to face a lot of things . I am very pro life , so when the doctor suggested inducing labor immediately , I was scared . I was concerned about whether or not he was really dead . It was surreal for me . I questioned if maybe I just saw him dead because that is what I expected . I wondered if somehow his heart could start beating again . The last thing I wanted to do was kill my own son . I spoke with several family members and my mother questioned the doctor about my concerns . Once I came to terms with what I was going to have to do , I agreed to go to the hospital and be induced . After all , he had been dead over 2 weeks , and I did not want to end up dying myself . On Dec . 9 , 1997 I went to my local hospital . The first nurse told me that she would stay by me and help me . I told her that I knew that the baby was breech . She told me not to worry about that , that she would help turn him when that time came . After getting my IV started , the nurse returned and told me that my doctor 's office had called in a nurse just for me , and that they were going to move me to an area of the hospital that was more quiet and private . At first , this sounded like a very kind thing to do for me . I had no idea , that the nurse that was coming in for me was going to make this painful experience even harder for me . Somehow , in my young life , I had gotten the impression that a real woman doesn 't cry during labor . She is tough and just does what she needs to do . I had a lot of questions and concerns , but I did not voice any of them , because I felt like I had no idea what I was doing , and I thought about everyone else 's needs at the time . My father , mother , step mother , brothers , and paternal grandparents were there , along with my husband . I really wanted to just be alone and cry about what was happening , but I never said a word about that . The nurse came in a started my pitocin . She also gave me a vaginal suppository to speed up the softening and thinning of my cervix . The contractions did not feel that much different to me than cramping had since I hit puberty . I have endometriosis , so at times the pain would be so great , that I had to get injections at the ER just to make the cramping tolerable . It usually knocked me out . I felt like the cramping I had experienced for years somehow prepared me for this moment . My father kept track of the length of the contractions and how far apart they were . Things started happening very rapidly . The doctor was on his way to the hospital still , so the nurse was trying to slow things down . She would come into my room , and try to push my legs shut and tell me to try not to labor . This made me furious . I felt like she did not care about me at all . She constantly kept leaving the room . She did not explain where she was going . I knew that my son was going to need to be delivered soon . Just as I started to feel intense pressure balling up in my uterus , my water broke . I told everyone in the room . My father , brothers , and grandparents left the room and went to wait in the hallway . Just as I felt that anxious feeling that the baby was coming , I heard a woman start screaming . I heard what sounded like a vacuum or loud suction being used . She started screaming about wanting to be able to walk out of the hospital when she left , and that she didn 't want them to hurt her baby . This terrified me . I felt even more panic than I did before . I hid my emotions , like I always did . I am sure that no one in that room knew what was going on inside my head . I told my mother that I think that he is starting to come out . She and my stepmother came to my aid . My mother told me that he was breech . She and my stepmother worked together to deliver everything except for his head . Right then the nurse came in and my stepmother excused herself . I was told that she had not expected my baby to look like a baby , and it was a bit much for her . At this point , I just wanted to hit the nurse . I wanted a fly swatter to hit her with . I have no idea why I that was my weapon of choice . As she got between my legs to assess what to do next , her bushy hair was in just the right spot that I could have grabbed it and gave it quite a tug . And I wanted to ! I wanted to pull her hair . I had felt abandoned by her , and she was the last person that I wanted to have in my room . I felt another contraction , and I started to push . The nurse told me to push , and I said to her , " I am you idiot . " Which shocked even me . Once my son was born , she quickly whisked him away . My mother pulled the sheet over me , and everyone came back into my room , except my grandparents , they had left . Shortly after that , the doctor arrived . He told everyone that we were just waiting for me to deliver the after birth . I explained to him that I already had . He was surprised , came over to lift the sheet , and grabbed the placenta . He then proceeded to give everyone an education about where the baby was and how everything worked . I was a little surprised at this , but was exhausted , so I decided I just did not care anymore . After everyone left , the nurses brought my my son . He looked like a miniature adult . He did not have all that cute baby fat . He looked like a small man . I was shocked by this . But at the same time , I was amazed that he was so perfectly formed . I noticed that he had trauma to his head , which I knew that was how he died . However , the doctors did not want to believe that my accident at work had killed him . They tried to test me for German Measles , a negative RH factor and whatever else , and of course , all those tests came back as not the way he died . When one of the nurses was showing me my son , she accidentally pulled part of his nose off . She asked me if I wanted to hold him . I was not sure what was " OK " to do , or how I should feel . I was scared , and so I told her no . They gave me medication to help me sleep and I slept through the night . In the morning , other family came , including my in laws ( at the time ) . A volunteer came and brought me a little hat , baby blanket , angel pin , and talked to me about my son . They asked me if I wanted to bury him . I wanted to . My in laws told me that it was too expensive . That he was really small , so it was not worth it to bury him . I felt pressured to do what they wanted , and so I agreed to let him be incinerated at the hospital . I regret not burying my son . Not taking the time to hold him . With how others were responding to his death , I was afraid to feel anything . I want anything . Many people acted like it was no big deal , that he was not a baby . It made things all the more painful . When I was asked if I was going to name him by the hospital staff , I hesitated . At this point , I felt like I shouldn 't name him because of those acting like nothing had just happened . As I was pondering about this , I heard a whisper . " His name is Ammon . " I told the nurse that his name is Ammon . As I gathered my things to leave the hospital , I took a moment to look at my reflection in the mirror by the door . I was shocked to see that I looked somewhat angelic . I made a mental note to never again judge someone by their appearance . We never know what they may have just been through . I struggled with Ammon 's death . I had miscarried right before this pregnancy , and I was certain I was not going to have any children . All my life , all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mother . I was devastated . I had a friend who had been baptized the same day as I contact me and tell me that she had her son die as well about six months before mine . I found great comfort in the information that she had to share with me , and books that she told me to read . I got an angel statue to remember Ammon by , and everywhere I moved I planted a rose bush for him and put the angel by it . When my youngest was born in 2001 , someone stole that angel right off my front porch . I took time to create a baby book for him , and did anything that came to mind to help me cope and grieve privately . Even after I had children , I struggled with going to church on Mother 's Day . I hated Halloween . All the references to death just really depressed me . I posted it online , and discovered other women going through the same thing found comfort in it . People who found it share with people that they cared about who were grieving . I decided last year to make it a lyric video and share it on YouTube so that other grieving parents could find it . Doing this has helped me heal more than anything . It gives me a greater purpose for my pain . Talking about my son , remembering him every year , and sharing his song to help others has helped me . Grief is a very personal process , it is going to be different for everyone . It is my hope , that if you are reading this because you are grieving , that my song will help you too . |
The good news is that I realized it this morning when I got up . My bones felt much much better . I stood at the top of the stairs moving experimentally . It has only been three days since I stopped taking the tamoxifen . In the hubbub about getting out the door in the snowstorm we were having , I 'd forgotten to take it Friday morning , so Friday and Saturday and Sunday . I never imagined that I would see improvement quickly , but really , it 's much , much better . After yesterday 's post , a lady from Pittsburgh wrote to commiserate with me . She remembered dropping her son off for a year in Japan . Pre - cell phones . Pre - skype . Pre - computer . She ducked behind a post and cried her eyes out at the airport . I would have too . How nice that someone would take her time to comfort someone she 's never met . The world is full of nice people and I imagine that Cara will find them in Korea , too . I did , when I was stationed there in the military 30 years ago . I needed to be reminded of this . I haven 't heard from Cara yet , but she should be there by now . I am hopeful to have an e - mail soon . I spent yesterday working on school work . I got 4 major projects done . For the first time , I found myself feeling ' ahead of the game ' . I checked facebook , where we have an OT group . " What 's the hand thing due tomorrow ? " I blinked . ' Oh , yeah . . . ' I wearily dragged my books back out and did that assignment too . Let me get up from this chair and moving . This is Cara , and her friend Taylor . Taylor was driving Cara to Pittsburgh to catch her flight Sunday morning . We met them for dinner Saturday night , her last night in country . I think that she was getting a little nervous about her big adventure . I think that she was second guessing herself . I have to tell you that I was a very wise mom . I told her that she would be very glad that she 'd done this thing . I told her that looking ahead at a big adventure is far more nerve wracking than actually having the big adventure . I soothed her . " It will be okay , " I said . We talked during the meal , and then , all too soon it was done . All too soon , the very practical mother was kissing her youngest daughter one last time . I said encouraging things yet again , and then Tim and I turned and walked back to our car in the dark . She will have no cell phone after she boards Korean Airlines today . I am not sure when she will be in contact next ( via skype ) . In between these two contacts there will be a journey half way across the world . Alone . Did I mention that she 's my baby ? Without warning , I burst into loud bawling , that sort of bawling that is embarrassing to both the cryer and anyone within earshot . Tim made comforting noises and led me to the car . Taylor and Cara drove by , waving and grinning like chimpanzees . ( It had hurt her feelings that I 'd been so brave . . . she expected tears , and was happy to see them . . . ) This is a picture of where she 's going . It looks like a place where a young girl could adventure safely , doesn 't it ? * Waits expectantly for encouraging words * Oy . What a horrible , awful snowy day . Wet . Slushy . I hate driving in that . Nothing was plowed . NOTHING . I got stuck . I decided halfway to school that I did not want to go to school , but decided that there was no sense in turning around at that point . I drove on , and I slid and I spun , and it was the scariest darn ride ever , let me tell you . I got to school 25 minutes late , but I was glad to get there at all . Everyone was surprised to see me . Most folks from Pennsylvania had not made it in . At noon , I was done with school , and began the trip home . I was horrified to see that the roads were still not plowed . So I slid , and I spun , and I got myself back to my little town . Heading out the door to school this morning . . . definately not a good decision . I had an appointment with the oncologist today . The tests were all good , as previously reported . I 'm glad for that , don 't get me wrong . It 's just difficult to keep a positive attitude when you feel like crap . The bone pain is getting worse , and it 's become a struggle . I worry about painkillers . I worry about the side effects . I cannot be dope - y . I cannot be drowsy . I drive every day . Today , for the first time , I felt as if we were on the same page , and that felt good . She seemed to understand that I was not trying to be difficult , that I have a lot of stuff on my plate right now , and I do not have the time to experiment with things . She looked at me . I looked at her . She said , " Have you ever thought about stopping the tamoxifen , just to see if it makes a difference . " " Yes , " I said . Every morning when I take the pill , but I didn 't tell her that . And so it was decided . I will stop taking tamoxifen for three weeks . " Could you keep a journal of the pain ? " and I said yes . We have an appointment in three weeks to re - evaluate the situation . I walked out of that office , and I called Tim , and it surprised me how relieved I was . The possibility of being pain free . . . oh , gosh . I 'm feeling good about this decision . People have asked about my column . I think that this link should work . Today , I was working away . It was a quiet evening , and so we were cleaning and putting things to rights . A man walked in with an envelope . He 'd read my column last week . He was so moved that he sat down , wrote me a letter ( wrote it ! ) . How cool is that ? Really ? That someone took the time to read what I wrote , to process it , and then sit down and write a letter . That was very touching . " Say hello to Tim for me , " he said as he left . Turns out that they 'd gone to school together . I stood there holding my envelope and watched him go . Some days , people just get a chance to feel like they 've made a difference , and today , I guess , it was my turn . I opened up the envelope . " You have a gift , " he 'd written . He was right . A man had come in the store and given one to me . Yesterday , I stopped to pick up milk on the way home from the store . I found myself stopped dead in the middle of the store to look at children 's books . When I saw " The Wind in the Willows " I could not NOT buy it . I remembered reading it to our children , everyone freshly washed and sprawled in the middle of our bed listening to the story before bedtime . I do not know what the future holds for our William . I don 't know what kind of a little boy he will turn into , but I do know that his grandma will give him the gift of words , the same gift that she gave to her own children . Walking out of the store with my two gallons of milk and my book , I thought happy thoughts . For his first Christmas , he will get a bookshelf for his room from his Grandma and Grandpa . And it will be full of books collected one at a time , through the year . Some of them will be old stories . Some of them will be new stories . But there will be lots of stories . And there just might come the day , when once again , I have a freshly bathed little boy sitting in the middle of my bed listening to a story before he is tucked into bed . Oh , gosh . My head is so full it runneth over . Test in anatomy and physiology . I think I know it , but I 'm terribly afraid to get over confident . It always seems that I do my worst performances when I 'm confident that I know what I 'm doing . So instead , I will sit here with words like enzymes and proteins and zygomens and trypsin and pepsin and bile acids and leicithin running through my head . I am very tired . I don 't think I should go to bed . I 'm afraid that if I lay down , those words currently running around my head will dribble out of my ears and be lost and gone forever . Little teeny tiny baby toes . The only thing cuter is two little baby feet . Little teeny tiny baby ears are cute . Little teeny tiny baby cheeks . Sleeping babies . Cute . Cute . Ca - ute ! This is the long awaited William . Born February 18th , at 00 : 51 AM . 8 pounds 13 oz . 21 inches long . I don 't know nuthin ' about being no grandma , William . But I will try my best . Mother and aunt . Auntie is reminding William that she is the young and cool aunt . And that she will always have gum . And that he should not get too big to hold before she returns from Korea in August . Mother telling William that Cara is not as cool as all that . William trying to ignore the fuss . Father and grandfather . You may now comment on what a sweet and adorable grandbaby we have . * waits expectantly * Posted by Well , I guess that this all began well before Christmas . A certain lady from Oz managed to contact my Cara on facebook . It would have never occurred to me to use facebook for nefarious and underhanded dealings . Really . But some would . She did . And Cara , loving all things nefarious and underhanded got sucked in right away . And so the great New York City planning began . So , Cara told Tim . That is why , at Christmas , out of the blue , I got a new car . He wanted very much for us to make this meeting , and in his mind , the only thing that would prove to be a major impediment would be the car . Our ' good ' car has over 200 , 000 miles on it . Crap happens to cars with that many miles on it . Sometimes without warning . So I got a new car for Christmas . Never mind the fact that I was flummoxed by this . We 'd not discussed it . It was not a new car , but it was new to us , low mileage , but still . . . we had not discussed it . Mostly , though , what I worried about was that I was driving the good car already . His car was worse , and he drove farther and at night too , so I made him drive the new car . In effect , I gave the car right back to him . The story continues : As the post Christmas weeks went on , Cara decided that for her last weekend in country , what she wanted to do , more than anything , was for us all to go to Allentown to be with her brother and Brittani . She wanted to go in to New York City , once more before leaving . She wanted to have a memorable weekend . Seemed reasonable . So we began to plan . There was quite a bit of excitement when we figured out that this particular weekend also turned out to be a four day holiday for me . It was also a long weekend for Tim . And completely in the dark about it all , I smiled happily as plans were made . Friday morning , a baby was born . That started the day out in a happy sort of way ( pictures coming of that . . . no time to download now , sorry , but take my word for it , he is really cute ! Stay tuned . Tomorrow , okay ? ) And then there was an amazing moment at school , where I found myself sitting nervously in a Posted by Ive got to go to work , but I just returned from one of the most astounding weekends of my life . It began with being notified that I was a grandma , at one AM Friday morning . I had a wonderful experience at school that did wonders for my confidence . I left school , got to visit my grandson , and then Tim and I and Cara headed for Dylan 's for what was SUPPOSED to be her final hurrah in country . ( She 's leaving for Korea on Sunday . She wanted to see her brother . She wanted to go to New York City one last time . . . at least that was what she said . ) What happened next was one of the most mind blowing experiences of my life . http : / / bushbabeofoz . com / 2011 / 02 / 20 / surprise / comment - page - 1 / # comment - 9378Now I have to go to work . Dang it ! Because I have so much to say , and pictures , too ! At 00 : 51 AM , William finally made his entrance into this world . He weighed 8 lbs 13 oz . Brianna sobbed , " Oh , mom , he 's beautiful , " and I thought , " Of course he is ! " I remembered the first time that I saw her , and I was mesmerized . " He looks just like me ! " Buddy wept . " Lots of hair , big , big hands and feet . " Big lungs too , because he was screaming so hard the phone was distorting the noise . The call was short , and they went back to admiring their new baby . Tim sighed in relief and said , " Well , at least that part of things is done . . . " and I said , " You 're right about that , grandpa . " He chuckled and scooted close . " Grandma ! " he whispered . We will head to Erie as soon as I get out of class . We will take tons of pictures . We will then head to Allentown , be back home in time for me to go to work at 4 . I 'll try to get those pictures posted as soon as I can . I got up early this morning and headed to school to meet with Shanae , a sweet girl from my class . We were going to do some homework on giving diagnostic tests , and we met before our Anatomy and Physiology , and then scooted over to the auditorium to listen to a rousing wind - up to the digestive system . I headed home and made a pot of soup to drop off at my friend 's house . I sat down and nearly finished one paper on a case study . I wrote up a proposal for a position paper . I worked on the standardized test paper that I 'd been working on . I wrote up a protocol for a preschool group activity ( wrapping it around " I Wanna Iguana " . . . the theme is ' Pet Week ' . ) Then I went to work . It felt good to be so productive . Tomorrow we head to Dylan 's house . It will be Cara 's last weekend home . She wants to go to New York City one last time before she goes . She wants to see her brother . She is referring to this as her ' Farewell to America ' tour . I have a four day weekend from school , and I have taken the weekend off from work . We will return on Monday , dropping Cara off at her friend 's house on the way . Her friends will take her to Pittsburgh to catch her flight . Oh . And Brianna is in the hospital . Since they are giving her an epidural , I guess it 's not false labor this time . Before we head to Allentown , we 'll probably head to Erie to see this grandbaby we 've been waiting on . Busy times . Busy times . Yesterday , I was driving along , and I spied , with my little eye , a patch of bare ground . Bare ground . With grass . You are not going to get the import of that until you understand that I haven 't thaw bare ground since end of November , first part of December . We usually get some sort of a warm up in there , and the snows goes partially , or even all the way , off . Not this year . It came , it stayed . I am about tired of winter , so that patch of bare ground was a beautiful thing to see . Yesterday was warm - ish . . . in the thirties ( that 's 1 or 2 degrees for you celcius people ) . It was sunny . Yesterday was a day of possibilities , a day when you could sense that the tides were turning , that something new and fresh was on the way . At work yesterday , I said to my customers , " Wow ! Wasn 't today a beautiful day ? " and they all said , " Yes ! " and told me their little stories about their beautiful day . One of them smiled and said to me . . . " Today at Chapman Dam , I saw a robin ! " Ah ~ ! ! ! ! Sounds stupid doesn 't it ? But there is nothing so wonderful as watching winter slipping out as spring comes high stepping in ! Flowers and rain and warmth and . . . They call this spring fever , and I have it bad . Reeeeeeealllly bad ! I can count the number of them that I 've had since beginning work on just one hand . Today I had a horrible customer . Angry , rude , lashing out . It was my fault , really . I rang up his things , and did not notice the clearance tag . When he pointed it out , I corrected it immediately , apologizing . He glared . GLARED . Surprised , I looked back . He continued to glare . I apologized again , and he began to complain . I said , " You 're not going to let me off the hook for this ? " in a light sort of way , and he snarled " No . I am not . Every damn time I come in here , it 's something . I always have a problem each and every time I come in here ! " and he was very angry , very disgusted . I was amazed at the level of anger for a mistake that was corrected immediately . I said , " Well , that 's the first I 've ever heard a customer say that . Tractor Supply is noted for our customer service , " and I met his gaze directly . He continued to complain . " You don 't have any cold weather clothing . " I said , " We are closing out our winter line , and bringing in the spring clothes . " All stores do that here . I don 't know why he was so surprised at that . He continued to complain hotly , and grabbed his bag , storming out of the store . " Wow , " I thought , looking after him . He was one angry man . Why are people like that ? But before the night was done , I had a couple come in . " Happy Valentine 's Day , " I sang out . " Did you get the ring you wanted ? " The wife was quite taken with a ring , and she stuck advertisements for that ring all over the place in the days preceding Valentine 's Day ( her husband rolled his eyes and said , " She even GLUED one inside my hat ! " ) The wife laughed and extended her hand so that I could admire her ring . " Beautiful ! " I said . " So did you go out for dinner ? " And the wife said , " Oh , yes . We went out for dinner at the restaurant we went to for our first date , and we danced in the parking lot to ' our song ' . . . almost froze our butts off ! . . . . and then we sipped wine and fed each other chocolate in the car in the Tractor Supply , because once we were going Posted by The way to my heart is not paved with bling . ( . . . and I 've never seen a bad marriage saved by good jewelry ) Watching expensive flower arrangements die makes me sad . I received a pink cyclamen ( which will bloom continuously ) and a sweet card . I gave a card . We had dinner out , and got to visit with two other couples that we don 't often have a chance to talk at length with . And at the end of the night , we wound up where we always wind up . Side by side , in our own cozy bed . It works for us . Happy Valentine 's Day , everyone . I hope that each of you discover once again that where you are is where you fit best in the whole wide world . Posted by Yesterday was quite a day . I got up to go to work , and I did not bother to take a look out the window . After all , the weather man had only been calling for an inch , maybe two . I ambled around , getting ready , taking my good old sweet time , and finally got around to taking a quick look out the window . We 'd gotten a lot of snow . At least five inches . I hied myself to work . Almost immediately , the weather got bad . So bad that at some points , you couldn 't see across the parking lot to the gas station where I used to work . ( shiver ) . Customers trickled in with stories of whiteouts and accidents . I was glad that I had nothing to do but stay right where I was , stocking the tractor belts and lawn mower blades . I worked in the quiet store , and enjoyed myself . Until the great catastrophe , that is . A bottle of rabbit repellent was dropped on the floor , and broke open two aisles away from my register . I learned some interesting facts . Number one : anything that uses words like ' eggs ' , ' garlic ' , and ' putrescent ' in describing its ingredients is nothing to be trifled with . Number two : when something reeks that badly , multiple moppings are a necessity . Number three : we sell a very effective deodorizer . It 's actually intended for use in horse barns , but it can be used , in a pinch , to deodorize Tractor Supply Stores that have been mopped multiple times but still reek of rabbit repellent . Number four : A cashier can only put up with so much . Sometimes she has no choice but to cry uncle . And when a store stinks that badly , and the cashier says , " really , I don 't want to be a big baby here , this is making me a little sick , " and " I need my lunch break , " nobody argues . You get your lunch break just like that . And so I left and breathed deeply in the cold , fresh air . Number five : when you 've had said break and you return to the store , the smell seems even worse than it did when you left . Number six : Eventually , our ventilation system shall overcome . ( Yay ! ) The final lesson of the day ? The same thing that repels rabbits repels Debbys , amazinPosted by Tim and I have always been careful spenders . We 've had to be . Our thriftiness has worked out for us . Sometimes , it seems like the younger generation does not get this . It seems as if they expect that with absolutely no effort on their part , life will work out magically . They will have everything . They don 't need to count pennies . They don 't need to be careful . I watch them , and I don 't understand them . Today , a guy came into the store , nice kid . Early 3os , I 'd guess . One of the things that he 's buying is some spot weld epoxy . You cannot sell it to anyone under 18 . Kids huff it . So I fixed him with a look and said , " You 're not going to huff this are you ? " and he laughed . " No , " he said , " my gas tank leaks . I 've been putting two gallons of gas in at a time for the last week . " I winced . " What kind of a truck do you have ? " and he answered " A Chevy pickup . Should replace the whole dang truck , probably , but I can 't afford it . " I looked at him , standing there . Hard working guy with dirty hands , tired face . " Were you able to get a gas tank for it ? " and he said he got a used one , for $ 40 . I said , " Well , if you need Chevy truck parts , you stop in and tell me what you need . My husband has a parts truck . We 'll see what we can do for you . " He said , " I don 't have the money to do a lot right now . I just need to keep it running . " I said , " You don 't worry about that . You need help , you stop in . We 'll see what we can do for you . " He looked at me with such an odd look . " You know , " he said . " My wife was always so stressed about the bills . I never got that . I thought she was being silly . I 'm by myself now . My wife left me . I 'm looking at these bills . The heat . The electric . I get it now . I understand why she was so afraid all the time . I keep thinking that if I am careful , and pay these bills down , maybe she 'll come back to me . " I looked at him , and really , he just looked so sad that I wanted to swing around the counter and hug him like he was one of my own . Money problems are hard , and they will make or break a couple . I don 't think thPosted by Today at Tractor Supply , an elderly fellow said , " I 'm so sick of being cold . " I looked at him and said , " You and me both , friend . " We talked about how miserable it has been lately . He said , " Ah well , it 'll be 70 degrees by the end of the week . " I looked at him and smiled . " From your lips to God 's ear ! " And he laughed and said , " It will be . I 'm headed south . " My response was to roll my eyes and say , " Don 't tease me like that , pal . I swear , I 'll come across this counter . . . " He thought that I was darn funny stuff . Yeah . It wasn 't a joke . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Big news of the day ? The MRI in done in Pittsburgh came back clear . I called home before I went in to work . The relief and joy in Tim 's voice made me aware once again , that this journey is not my journey ; it is our journey . I felt our coupled - ness . Last night , Cara began to think about her trip to Korea . " Why am I doing this ? " she asked . " All my friends are here . My family . Were you scared when you went to Korea ? " she asked . I thought back . I was older . 23 , I think . " No , " I said . She said , " Well , how did you manage without a cell phone ? Or skype ? " I thought again . " I wrote letters , " I said . " But you didn 't call your friends ? " " No , " I said , again . I saw her trying to imagine life in the olden days , back when I was young . She 's having second thoughts about the thing . Last night , I was tired , and needed to go to bed , so I didn 't have a lot to say . This morning though , we talked before we headed our separate ways . " Cara , " I said . " The best advice that I can give you is that you cannot have your feet in two places at the same time . You have to choose . " And I look at her . This is not our journey ; it is her journey . I felt our separateness . Brianna and Buddy are headed to the hospital . They think there 's a grandbaby on the way . And that 's the beginning of a whole new journey . For all of us . Families are a strange and lovely thing , aren 't they ? The trip to Pittsburgh went smoothly . In fact , we wound up getting there two hours early . Amazingly , they were delighted to see me so early ~ they had an opening . Because I was seen two hours early , I was even able to make my orientation for clinicals this afternoon , the one that I was so worried about missing . I arrived at that hospital grounds a scant five minutes before my class got there . My teacher was plenty surprised to see me . I was so glad that I made it . You know , I had cancer . I 'm comfortable with that perspective , the looking back one . Yesterday , in the Cancer Center , meeting the elderly woman who was so curious about why I was there made me defensive . I mean , I thought that everyone kind of understood that once you have cancer , you remain a patient at the cancer center long after treatment ends . She wanted to ' talk cancer ' . I did not . I did not want to talk about it , or think about it , or hear about it . I 'm a student , a wife , a worker , a mother , I 'm a lot of things , but I AM NOT A CANCER PATIENT . That 's the way I felt . I left the cancer center , and I felt ashamed of my reaction . Was I curt ? Was I rude ? But then I got to school and went to lab to study . I had a test . In the hubbub of the last two days , I did not have a lot of time to study for it , so I set my little cup of pee on the table and began to study . Mary , the other ' mature ' student in the class hailed me , and flopped down across from me . She is the widow in her late sixties who is studying to be a nurse . We 'd talked the first week of class . Got each other 's stories ( the Reader 's Digest version ) , talked about what brought us back into the classroom . I had said that I had cancer , and that experience caused me to view things much differently . She was lonely , and retired , and wanted to be useful . I think that she is lonely , because she 's latched on to me as a kindred spirit , and I suppose we are . So she flopped down across from me , and began talking . " Were you snowed in this morning ? " " No , " I said , " I have an appointment in Pittsburgh tomorrow , anPosted by Ramping it up a notch on the grump - 0 - meter ~ The dryer has pooped out . So on a day when it is 4 degrees out ( and don 't point out that 's considered ' balmy ' in Alaska , Bill . It wouldn 't make matters better . . . ) someone does not have dry underwear . Making it worse , Tim went down to check on this tragedy . " NO DRY UNDERWEAR ! " and returned clutching a tee shirt and dry underwear . I gave him a look . He said , " My clothes were dry . " ( Like Bill pointing out that 4 is balmy in Alaska ~ and I can assure you that our bearded buddy is stubbornly sitting in front of his computer in Alaska , and thinking this because he can ~ Tim 's cheerful ' I got dry underwear ! ' was no more comforting than Bill 's ' 7 degrees ? ! ! ! ! By golly , let me get out the surf board ! ! ! ! Cowabunga ! ) Tim had dry underwear because I washed that load a couple days ago ( before the dryer decided to poop out ) , and just to add fuel to the fires of injustice , allow me to point out that he 's got about three times the amount of underwear that I do ! I gave him a look . Had I KNOWN the dryer was going to poop out , I could have hung the clothes in the basement , and had dry underwear . But , noooo . I went to bed after turning on the dryer and slept the sleep of the innocent . Well . Actually I slept the sleep of the too tired to stay up another minute , but it 's kind of the same don 't you think ? * walks off complaining to self * I am going to Pittsburgh tomorrow to have some tests done . Anyone who has had cancer before understands ' scanxiety ' . You just dread the scans . You are a little fearful of what they could tell you . The news was bad once , and so you live waiting for the other shoe to drop even as you hope that the shoe is not going to drop at all . It 's a strange place to be at . The Cancer Center tracked me down at work last night to tell me that the appointment was set up . ( Me : " What ? ! ! Wednesday ? The day after tomorrow Wednesday ? That one ? ) Still , it was nice of them to track me down . Otherwise , I 'd have not been able to notify any of my instructors , or to call Tim at work to see if he would go . I 'm pissed because I will miss the orientation for clinicals at school and I don 't know whether I can make that up . If I can 't , I 'm screwed . I keep telling myself that I am certain that this is not the first time the college has dealt with something like it , so even though I don 't know what to do , I 'll bet they know what to do . But I don 't know . I surely cannot ask anyone . At this point , I 'd look like an over reactive ninny . Everything is aggravating me , I am ashamed to say . I had to miss a class this morning to go pick up records to take to Pittsburgh with us . I saw a lady there . She 's a regular at the cancer center , and she will be a regular for as long as she lives . She is a nice person , sweet as she can be , but she loves medical stories . She wants to tell you hers . She wants to hear yours . She once asked me how chemo was going , and I said , " Good . Really good , " and she looked at me , cocked her little head and said , " You 're lying to me . I can tell . . . " and gave me a big smile . I never knew what to say to her after that . So when I walked in and saw her at the receptionist 's desk , and inside , I thought words that I will not type . She looked at me in surprise . I said , " Hello . " She said , " Hello . " I asked how she were doing . She said , " Good . " I started to say something about how winter sucks . She said , " I hope you 're not here as a patient . " Me , mPosted by How does someone misplace a three hole punch ? A large three hole punch ? I did . I 've got a crap load of papers , and I can 't find my stinking three hole punch . ARGGGGH ! Tim saw a Savage 99 crescent stock , refinished , that he wanted something awful , having an antique gun that needed it . He asked me to bid on it because he would be gone when the bidding ended , having plans to watch the Superbowl at a friend 's house . He said , " I don 't want to go much over $ 100 for it . " I knew that he 's been looking for something like this for some time , and so I came up with a plan . I was buying it . No matter what . He 's got a birthday coming up . It 's almost Valentine 's Day . It was up to $ 157 when I looked at it , so I recklessly bid $ 210 . 99 on it , and was immediately outbid . I submitted a bid for $ 230 . 99 . . . and was immediately outbid . I was in the process of entering $ 250 . when the auction ended . Good thing probably . Tim would have killed me if I 'd have won , I imagine . Darn you , ' y * * * g ' ! Who the heck would pay $ 232 . 49 for something like that ? ( And just you all never mind that I would have . . . ) I know that it makes no sense whatsoever , but I 'm very disappointed . We are not extravagant people , but just this once , I wanted to knock Tim 's socks off , just once , I wanted to throw caution to the wind , and buy him a present that he 'd never forget , not ever . It 's the Superbowl . Tim is watching the game at his friend 's house . I stayed home to study . I 'll have to chip in on pizza if the Steelers lose . And the stinking Steelers are losing . Natch . I 'm done studying . I 'm going to bed with a heating pad for my neck and back . I 'm quite the little grumpy butt today . I oughta be ashamed . Today , at the Tractor Supply , one of our regulars came in . He 's a funny charactor , and talks to everyone , elderly fellow with a big white beard . Never saw him in a bad mood in my life . Anyways , he came in today , and I called out , " How 's it going today ? " and he walked over . He looked me square in the eye and said , " My house burnt down yesterday . We lost everything . I lost my two dogs . " And he had tears in his eyes . " Dear God ! " I said . " You 're the house up on Hatch Run ? I drove home last night after work , and I could smell that there had been a fire . I did not see where it was . Tim said he 'd driven off the hill early that morning , and the road was closed . He knew it was a bad fire . I 'm so sorry . I didn 't know it was you folks . " He said , " Yep . We were in bed . My daughter woke up . She said it felt like someone shook her awake . She thought it was her mother . She rolled over and there was no one there . She lay there a couple minutes puzzled , but finally got up to figure out what was going on , and she walked into the livingroom and the woodstove was on fire . If it was not for her screaming , I don 't think we 'd have gotten out in time . She can 't get over that feeling that someone had shaken her awake . " I said , " I 've no doubt that Someone did shake her awake . " He grinned a little , very unlike himself , and headed to the back of the store . He needed dog food and a bowl for the one dog that he managed to save . I paged the manager . " Mark , " I said , " we got a guy in here that had a house fire . He lost everything . Can we help him out ? " and Mark immediately said , " Is it Gary - - - - - - - ? I heard . I want to talk to him , " and off he went . Mark gave him a gift card , and a discount , just like that . I love that I work for a store that is so quick to take care of its customers . Really . There was a customer who came into the store . She was looking for peat pots for a project she was doing at the local nature center . Hopelessly , she said , " No place has them , " and I interrupted and said , " But we do . We just set the stuff up last week , " and I led her to where they were . She was much pleased . I headed back to my register , leaving her and her husband at the display . I headed back to the register , stopping to blab with somebody else , and eventually I was ringing up peat pots for my original customers . She looked at me intently . " You 're Debby _____ , aren 't you ? " and I looked up . " Yes , I am . " She extended her hands and said , " What are you doing working here ? You 're smart ! You need some sort of important job . " She explained to her husband that I was a writer in the paper , and that I 'd worked for the county , etc . While she talked , I bagged her stuff . I wondered about that . I need an important job . I know that she meant to be kind . I know that she was paying me a compliment . But my job is important . It pays for college . It provides income to my family . I meet great people . I work with great people . My job is relaxing , strangely enough . They kindly work around my school schedule , and I know that 's a pain in the butt . My job is important . It is important . . . to me . And if I am doing that job right , my job is important to the people I meet as well . Lonely people . Busy people . People who like to laugh . I meet many people , many , many people , and I have just a few minutes to make a difference . I try to be mindful of that . I try to use my time wisely . To encourage , to watch , to inspire , or to be inspired . I look at this woman , and I tell her how lucky I am to have this job . She looks at me as if she doesn 't believe me , not all the way , but she smiles and says , " If you are happy , I am happy for you . " I 've been thinking about that . About importance . I 've come to the same conclusion that I always have come to . We all are important . We all matter . Think about that today , people . Think about that as you go about your businPosted by Perhaps I 'm not remembering correctly , but when I was a young woman , I fell into the group disparagingly referred to as ' women 's libbers ' . * Winces at how old that makes me sound * I remember how outraged my father when he first discovered that I was a feminist . I sat there in my Army uniform and combat boots , and I was amazed that the news came as such a shock to him . Seems funny now , doesn 't it , but he was really quite outraged about it . But seriously , there was something within me that would not let me back down . It has always been there . There was something in me that would not accept abuse or ugly words . I had to speak up . I couldn 't be silent . Most every woman that I knew was like that . We did not back down . In my A and P lab , there are two young boys . They are vulgar . Crude . Talk out loud about the girls in the classroom in the basest of ways . Every other word out of their mouth is ' f . . . ' Anyways , it just kind of shocked me to hear a couple young boys talking openly discussing girls in the classroom in sexual terms . Anyways , ' Beavis ' and ' Butthead ' walked into class on Wednesday , and they started in right away . One of them is quite attracted to ' M ' , a basket ball player , blond , beautiful , and a very nice girl . In any case , Beavis said , " So how many times are you going to stuff it tonight ? " and leered , as Butthead sniggered to himself . She looked at him . " What ? " and he repeated himself but this time he said at the end of it : " Basketball . I was talking about basketball . How many times are you going to stuff it in the basket ? What did you think I was talking about ? " and he leered again , as Butthead sniggered to himself . M said " I play defense . I don 't make baskets . " Beavis and Butthead continued talking between themselves and I made up my mind . When the teacher came in , and we were getting our supplies , I spoke to her . I told her that I was apologizing in advance , because when it came up the next time , I was going to take a stand . The teacher listened , shocked . " No , you won 't , " she said , " because I 'm putting a stopPosted by This morning , I got stuck in the driveway . I had to drive the car Tim bought me for Christmas that I immediately turned back over to him . My Intrigue with 200 , 000 + miles on it shows no sign of stopping , so it eases my mind to know that he 's driving the better car . His drive is longer and takes him through far more remote country than I travel , and in the dark , too . Anyhow , I was very encouraged as I drove the ' good ' car down off the hill ( a hair raising trip that involved a lot of fervent prayers . . . ) to hear the radio reporting the news from Punxsutawny , Pennsylvania . You see , I am fortunate enough to live in a state that is known for Punxsutawny Phil , the prognosticating ground hog who pops out on February 2nd ( Ground Hog Day , coincidently enough ) to tell a breathless world ( or maybe it 's just an American thing . . . ) whether spring is on its way or whether winter will be sticking around . So Phil stuck his head out of his hole and did not see his shadow , which means we will have an early spring . ( good news because I 'm just about sick of winter . . . ) I also read that this is Phil 's 125th year of predicting the weather . 125 years . Dang . I did not know that ground hogs lived that long . ( I don 't imagine that something that old would be worth cooking . . . ) Interesting trivia : How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood ? Dunno . But a wood chuck and a ground hog ? Same critter . You might also hear them called a whistle pig . Sometimes , with all the school stuff , I get overwhelmed , and I find that I lose sight of the ' big picture ' . I can 't see the forest for the trees , I guess . And that is the way that it has been lately . A lot of stuff going on , both in and out of the classroom . School work has become one more thing on a long list of things that I have to do . Today , though , a cool thing happened . In our pediatrics class , we 've been studying reflexes and critical competancies . A lot of memorization . We 've been studying the paperwork , and the process . But today , all of it came together . The teacher stood before us with a doll . She began to say things like " Say that our little who - zit cannot lift her head from the prone position . What would you do ? " And we looked at all the bolsters and the wedges , the equipment , the slant boards , the slo - mo balls , and we began to come up with therapies . All those pieces began to fit together , and I began to see the big picture , once again . I caught a glimpse of the vision that I had last fall , but lost in all the work and the insecurity and the holidays , and . . . well . . . you all know how it can get . And seeing the big picture , once again , I got the idea that I 'm headed where I 'm going to ' fit ' , where I can be useful , and I found myself breathing big and thinking , " Oh , thank God . " This afternoon , we had speakers . One of them was a social working pastor who 'd over come his own post war PTSD issues , his own drug abuse issues , to become a counselor to others . His bustling clinic assists 400 + people a month . His stories were exciting , and I hope to be a volunteer there . I 'd like to learn how to help the mentally ill . Again , I found myself sitting in my seat and listening , and feeling excited at the possibilities . I drove home and I was glad , so grateful , for a day when it all ' clicked ' . Of course , I then discovered that I 'd lost one of my favorite dangly earrings . That sucked . For the proper security clearances , I had to list complete addresses for 28 years . Most of the kids in my class aren 't even 28 years old , bless their little cotton socks . Me , however , I am 28 years old . Plus a year or two . Three , maybe , tops . So I went through my mind banks and filled in what I could . I went through old paperwork , and was able to fill in a few more . I found myself going through old pictures , squinting , trying to see house numbers . I ' googled ' earth . Finally , I 'm done . I have just one lone address that I do not have , but that house on Knight St , Ft . Belvoir , no longer exists . I provided my address at the MEDDAC . Where was I 28 years ago ? I was living at 239 - P Craig Rd , Honolulu , HI . Yes . I made copies . The teacher says we 'll fill this sort of paperwork out again and again . I don 't need to be trying to do this from memory each time . I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
The good news is that I realized it this morning when I got up . My bones felt much much better . I stood at the top of the stairs moving experimentally . It has only been three days since I stopped taking the tamoxifen . In the hubbub about getting out the door in the snowstorm we were having , I 'd forgotten to take it Friday morning , so Friday and Saturday and Sunday . I never imagined that I would see improvement quickly , but really , it 's much , much better . After yesterday 's post , a lady from Pittsburgh wrote to commiserate with me . She remembered dropping her son off for a year in Japan . Pre - cell phones . Pre - skype . Pre - computer . She ducked behind a post and cried her eyes out at the airport . I would have too . How nice that someone would take her time to comfort someone she 's never met . The world is full of nice people and I imagine that Cara will find them in Korea , too . I did , when I was stationed there in the military 30 years ago . I needed to be reminded of this . I haven 't heard from Cara yet , but she should be there by now . I am hopeful to have an e - mail soon . I spent yesterday working on school work . I got 4 major projects done . For the first time , I found myself feeling ' ahead of the game ' . I checked facebook , where we have an OT group . " What 's the hand thing due tomorrow ? " I blinked . ' Oh , yeah . . . ' I wearily dragged my books back out and did that assignment too . Let me get up from this chair and moving . This is Cara , and her friend Taylor . Taylor was driving Cara to Pittsburgh to catch her flight Sunday morning . We met them for dinner Saturday night , her last night in country . I think that she was getting a little nervous about her big adventure . I think that she was second guessing herself . I have to tell you that I was a very wise mom . I told her that she would be very glad that she 'd done this thing . I told her that looking ahead at a big adventure is far more nerve wracking than actually having the big adventure . I soothed her . " It will be okay , " I said . We talked during the meal , and then , all too soon it was done . All too soon , the very practical mother was kissing her youngest daughter one last time . I said encouraging things yet again , and then Tim and I turned and walked back to our car in the dark . She will have no cell phone after she boards Korean Airlines today . I am not sure when she will be in contact next ( via skype ) . In between these two contacts there will be a journey half way across the world . Alone . Did I mention that she 's my baby ? Without warning , I burst into loud bawling , that sort of bawling that is embarrassing to both the cryer and anyone within earshot . Tim made comforting noises and led me to the car . Taylor and Cara drove by , waving and grinning like chimpanzees . ( It had hurt her feelings that I 'd been so brave . . . she expected tears , and was happy to see them . . . ) This is a picture of where she 's going . It looks like a place where a young girl could adventure safely , doesn 't it ? * Waits expectantly for encouraging words * Oy . What a horrible , awful snowy day . Wet . Slushy . I hate driving in that . Nothing was plowed . NOTHING . I got stuck . I decided halfway to school that I did not want to go to school , but decided that there was no sense in turning around at that point . I drove on , and I slid and I spun , and it was the scariest darn ride ever , let me tell you . I got to school 25 minutes late , but I was glad to get there at all . Everyone was surprised to see me . Most folks from Pennsylvania had not made it in . At noon , I was done with school , and began the trip home . I was horrified to see that the roads were still not plowed . So I slid , and I spun , and I got myself back to my little town . Heading out the door to school this morning . . . definately not a good decision . I had an appointment with the oncologist today . The tests were all good , as previously reported . I 'm glad for that , don 't get me wrong . It 's just difficult to keep a positive attitude when you feel like crap . The bone pain is getting worse , and it 's become a struggle . I worry about painkillers . I worry about the side effects . I cannot be dope - y . I cannot be drowsy . I drive every day . Today , for the first time , I felt as if we were on the same page , and that felt good . She seemed to understand that I was not trying to be difficult , that I have a lot of stuff on my plate right now , and I do not have the time to experiment with things . She looked at me . I looked at her . She said , " Have you ever thought about stopping the tamoxifen , just to see if it makes a difference . " " Yes , " I said . Every morning when I take the pill , but I didn 't tell her that . And so it was decided . I will stop taking tamoxifen for three weeks . " Could you keep a journal of the pain ? " and I said yes . We have an appointment in three weeks to re - evaluate the situation . I walked out of that office , and I called Tim , and it surprised me how relieved I was . The possibility of being pain free . . . oh , gosh . I 'm feeling good about this decision . People have asked about my column . I think that this link should work . Today , I was working away . It was a quiet evening , and so we were cleaning and putting things to rights . A man walked in with an envelope . He 'd read my column last week . He was so moved that he sat down , wrote me a letter ( wrote it ! ) . How cool is that ? Really ? That someone took the time to read what I wrote , to process it , and then sit down and write a letter . That was very touching . " Say hello to Tim for me , " he said as he left . Turns out that they 'd gone to school together . I stood there holding my envelope and watched him go . Some days , people just get a chance to feel like they 've made a difference , and today , I guess , it was my turn . I opened up the envelope . " You have a gift , " he 'd written . He was right . A man had come in the store and given one to me . Yesterday , I stopped to pick up milk on the way home from the store . I found myself stopped dead in the middle of the store to look at children 's books . When I saw " The Wind in the Willows " I could not NOT buy it . I remembered reading it to our children , everyone freshly washed and sprawled in the middle of our bed listening to the story before bedtime . I do not know what the future holds for our William . I don 't know what kind of a little boy he will turn into , but I do know that his grandma will give him the gift of words , the same gift that she gave to her own children . Walking out of the store with my two gallons of milk and my book , I thought happy thoughts . For his first Christmas , he will get a bookshelf for his room from his Grandma and Grandpa . And it will be full of books collected one at a time , through the year . Some of them will be old stories . Some of them will be new stories . But there will be lots of stories . And there just might come the day , when once again , I have a freshly bathed little boy sitting in the middle of my bed listening to a story before he is tucked into bed . Oh , gosh . My head is so full it runneth over . Test in anatomy and physiology . I think I know it , but I 'm terribly afraid to get over confident . It always seems that I do my worst performances when I 'm confident that I know what I 'm doing . So instead , I will sit here with words like enzymes and proteins and zygomens and trypsin and pepsin and bile acids and leicithin running through my head . I am very tired . I don 't think I should go to bed . I 'm afraid that if I lay down , those words currently running around my head will dribble out of my ears and be lost and gone forever . Little teeny tiny baby toes . The only thing cuter is two little baby feet . Little teeny tiny baby ears are cute . Little teeny tiny baby cheeks . Sleeping babies . Cute . Cute . Ca - ute ! This is the long awaited William . Born February 18th , at 00 : 51 AM . 8 pounds 13 oz . 21 inches long . I don 't know nuthin ' about being no grandma , William . But I will try my best . Mother and aunt . Auntie is reminding William that she is the young and cool aunt . And that she will always have gum . And that he should not get too big to hold before she returns from Korea in August . Mother telling William that Cara is not as cool as all that . William trying to ignore the fuss . Father and grandfather . You may now comment on what a sweet and adorable grandbaby we have . * waits expectantly * Posted by Well , I guess that this all began well before Christmas . A certain lady from Oz managed to contact my Cara on facebook . It would have never occurred to me to use facebook for nefarious and underhanded dealings . Really . But some would . She did . And Cara , loving all things nefarious and underhanded got sucked in right away . And so the great New York City planning began . So , Cara told Tim . That is why , at Christmas , out of the blue , I got a new car . He wanted very much for us to make this meeting , and in his mind , the only thing that would prove to be a major impediment would be the car . Our ' good ' car has over 200 , 000 miles on it . Crap happens to cars with that many miles on it . Sometimes without warning . So I got a new car for Christmas . Never mind the fact that I was flummoxed by this . We 'd not discussed it . It was not a new car , but it was new to us , low mileage , but still . . . we had not discussed it . Mostly , though , what I worried about was that I was driving the good car already . His car was worse , and he drove farther and at night too , so I made him drive the new car . In effect , I gave the car right back to him . The story continues : As the post Christmas weeks went on , Cara decided that for her last weekend in country , what she wanted to do , more than anything , was for us all to go to Allentown to be with her brother and Brittani . She wanted to go in to New York City , once more before leaving . She wanted to have a memorable weekend . Seemed reasonable . So we began to plan . There was quite a bit of excitement when we figured out that this particular weekend also turned out to be a four day holiday for me . It was also a long weekend for Tim . And completely in the dark about it all , I smiled happily as plans were made . Friday morning , a baby was born . That started the day out in a happy sort of way ( pictures coming of that . . . no time to download now , sorry , but take my word for it , he is really cute ! Stay tuned . Tomorrow , okay ? ) And then there was an amazing moment at school , where I found myself sitting nervously in a Posted by Ive got to go to work , but I just returned from one of the most astounding weekends of my life . It began with being notified that I was a grandma , at one AM Friday morning . I had a wonderful experience at school that did wonders for my confidence . I left school , got to visit my grandson , and then Tim and I and Cara headed for Dylan 's for what was SUPPOSED to be her final hurrah in country . ( She 's leaving for Korea on Sunday . She wanted to see her brother . She wanted to go to New York City one last time . . . at least that was what she said . ) What happened next was one of the most mind blowing experiences of my life . http : / / bushbabeofoz . com / 2011 / 02 / 20 / surprise / comment - page - 1 / # comment - 9378Now I have to go to work . Dang it ! Because I have so much to say , and pictures , too ! At 00 : 51 AM , William finally made his entrance into this world . He weighed 8 lbs 13 oz . Brianna sobbed , " Oh , mom , he 's beautiful , " and I thought , " Of course he is ! " I remembered the first time that I saw her , and I was mesmerized . " He looks just like me ! " Buddy wept . " Lots of hair , big , big hands and feet . " Big lungs too , because he was screaming so hard the phone was distorting the noise . The call was short , and they went back to admiring their new baby . Tim sighed in relief and said , " Well , at least that part of things is done . . . " and I said , " You 're right about that , grandpa . " He chuckled and scooted close . " Grandma ! " he whispered . We will head to Erie as soon as I get out of class . We will take tons of pictures . We will then head to Allentown , be back home in time for me to go to work at 4 . I 'll try to get those pictures posted as soon as I can . I got up early this morning and headed to school to meet with Shanae , a sweet girl from my class . We were going to do some homework on giving diagnostic tests , and we met before our Anatomy and Physiology , and then scooted over to the auditorium to listen to a rousing wind - up to the digestive system . I headed home and made a pot of soup to drop off at my friend 's house . I sat down and nearly finished one paper on a case study . I wrote up a proposal for a position paper . I worked on the standardized test paper that I 'd been working on . I wrote up a protocol for a preschool group activity ( wrapping it around " I Wanna Iguana " . . . the theme is ' Pet Week ' . ) Then I went to work . It felt good to be so productive . Tomorrow we head to Dylan 's house . It will be Cara 's last weekend home . She wants to go to New York City one last time before she goes . She wants to see her brother . She is referring to this as her ' Farewell to America ' tour . I have a four day weekend from school , and I have taken the weekend off from work . We will return on Monday , dropping Cara off at her friend 's house on the way . Her friends will take her to Pittsburgh to catch her flight . Oh . And Brianna is in the hospital . Since they are giving her an epidural , I guess it 's not false labor this time . Before we head to Allentown , we 'll probably head to Erie to see this grandbaby we 've been waiting on . Busy times . Busy times . Yesterday , I was driving along , and I spied , with my little eye , a patch of bare ground . Bare ground . With grass . You are not going to get the import of that until you understand that I haven 't thaw bare ground since end of November , first part of December . We usually get some sort of a warm up in there , and the snows goes partially , or even all the way , off . Not this year . It came , it stayed . I am about tired of winter , so that patch of bare ground was a beautiful thing to see . Yesterday was warm - ish . . . in the thirties ( that 's 1 or 2 degrees for you celcius people ) . It was sunny . Yesterday was a day of possibilities , a day when you could sense that the tides were turning , that something new and fresh was on the way . At work yesterday , I said to my customers , " Wow ! Wasn 't today a beautiful day ? " and they all said , " Yes ! " and told me their little stories about their beautiful day . One of them smiled and said to me . . . " Today at Chapman Dam , I saw a robin ! " Ah ~ ! ! ! ! Sounds stupid doesn 't it ? But there is nothing so wonderful as watching winter slipping out as spring comes high stepping in ! Flowers and rain and warmth and . . . They call this spring fever , and I have it bad . Reeeeeeealllly bad ! I can count the number of them that I 've had since beginning work on just one hand . Today I had a horrible customer . Angry , rude , lashing out . It was my fault , really . I rang up his things , and did not notice the clearance tag . When he pointed it out , I corrected it immediately , apologizing . He glared . GLARED . Surprised , I looked back . He continued to glare . I apologized again , and he began to complain . I said , " You 're not going to let me off the hook for this ? " in a light sort of way , and he snarled " No . I am not . Every damn time I come in here , it 's something . I always have a problem each and every time I come in here ! " and he was very angry , very disgusted . I was amazed at the level of anger for a mistake that was corrected immediately . I said , " Well , that 's the first I 've ever heard a customer say that . Tractor Supply is noted for our customer service , " and I met his gaze directly . He continued to complain . " You don 't have any cold weather clothing . " I said , " We are closing out our winter line , and bringing in the spring clothes . " All stores do that here . I don 't know why he was so surprised at that . He continued to complain hotly , and grabbed his bag , storming out of the store . " Wow , " I thought , looking after him . He was one angry man . Why are people like that ? But before the night was done , I had a couple come in . " Happy Valentine 's Day , " I sang out . " Did you get the ring you wanted ? " The wife was quite taken with a ring , and she stuck advertisements for that ring all over the place in the days preceding Valentine 's Day ( her husband rolled his eyes and said , " She even GLUED one inside my hat ! " ) The wife laughed and extended her hand so that I could admire her ring . " Beautiful ! " I said . " So did you go out for dinner ? " And the wife said , " Oh , yes . We went out for dinner at the restaurant we went to for our first date , and we danced in the parking lot to ' our song ' . . . almost froze our butts off ! . . . . and then we sipped wine and fed each other chocolate in the car in the Tractor Supply , because once we were going Posted by The way to my heart is not paved with bling . ( . . . and I 've never seen a bad marriage saved by good jewelry ) Watching expensive flower arrangements die makes me sad . I received a pink cyclamen ( which will bloom continuously ) and a sweet card . I gave a card . We had dinner out , and got to visit with two other couples that we don 't often have a chance to talk at length with . And at the end of the night , we wound up where we always wind up . Side by side , in our own cozy bed . It works for us . Happy Valentine 's Day , everyone . I hope that each of you discover once again that where you are is where you fit best in the whole wide world . Posted by Yesterday was quite a day . I got up to go to work , and I did not bother to take a look out the window . After all , the weather man had only been calling for an inch , maybe two . I ambled around , getting ready , taking my good old sweet time , and finally got around to taking a quick look out the window . We 'd gotten a lot of snow . At least five inches . I hied myself to work . Almost immediately , the weather got bad . So bad that at some points , you couldn 't see across the parking lot to the gas station where I used to work . ( shiver ) . Customers trickled in with stories of whiteouts and accidents . I was glad that I had nothing to do but stay right where I was , stocking the tractor belts and lawn mower blades . I worked in the quiet store , and enjoyed myself . Until the great catastrophe , that is . A bottle of rabbit repellent was dropped on the floor , and broke open two aisles away from my register . I learned some interesting facts . Number one : anything that uses words like ' eggs ' , ' garlic ' , and ' putrescent ' in describing its ingredients is nothing to be trifled with . Number two : when something reeks that badly , multiple moppings are a necessity . Number three : we sell a very effective deodorizer . It 's actually intended for use in horse barns , but it can be used , in a pinch , to deodorize Tractor Supply Stores that have been mopped multiple times but still reek of rabbit repellent . Number four : A cashier can only put up with so much . Sometimes she has no choice but to cry uncle . And when a store stinks that badly , and the cashier says , " really , I don 't want to be a big baby here , this is making me a little sick , " and " I need my lunch break , " nobody argues . You get your lunch break just like that . And so I left and breathed deeply in the cold , fresh air . Number five : when you 've had said break and you return to the store , the smell seems even worse than it did when you left . Number six : Eventually , our ventilation system shall overcome . ( Yay ! ) The final lesson of the day ? The same thing that repels rabbits repels Debbys , amazinPosted by Tim and I have always been careful spenders . We 've had to be . Our thriftiness has worked out for us . Sometimes , it seems like the younger generation does not get this . It seems as if they expect that with absolutely no effort on their part , life will work out magically . They will have everything . They don 't need to count pennies . They don 't need to be careful . I watch them , and I don 't understand them . Today , a guy came into the store , nice kid . Early 3os , I 'd guess . One of the things that he 's buying is some spot weld epoxy . You cannot sell it to anyone under 18 . Kids huff it . So I fixed him with a look and said , " You 're not going to huff this are you ? " and he laughed . " No , " he said , " my gas tank leaks . I 've been putting two gallons of gas in at a time for the last week . " I winced . " What kind of a truck do you have ? " and he answered " A Chevy pickup . Should replace the whole dang truck , probably , but I can 't afford it . " I looked at him , standing there . Hard working guy with dirty hands , tired face . " Were you able to get a gas tank for it ? " and he said he got a used one , for $ 40 . I said , " Well , if you need Chevy truck parts , you stop in and tell me what you need . My husband has a parts truck . We 'll see what we can do for you . " He said , " I don 't have the money to do a lot right now . I just need to keep it running . " I said , " You don 't worry about that . You need help , you stop in . We 'll see what we can do for you . " He looked at me with such an odd look . " You know , " he said . " My wife was always so stressed about the bills . I never got that . I thought she was being silly . I 'm by myself now . My wife left me . I 'm looking at these bills . The heat . The electric . I get it now . I understand why she was so afraid all the time . I keep thinking that if I am careful , and pay these bills down , maybe she 'll come back to me . " I looked at him , and really , he just looked so sad that I wanted to swing around the counter and hug him like he was one of my own . Money problems are hard , and they will make or break a couple . I don 't think thPosted by Today at Tractor Supply , an elderly fellow said , " I 'm so sick of being cold . " I looked at him and said , " You and me both , friend . " We talked about how miserable it has been lately . He said , " Ah well , it 'll be 70 degrees by the end of the week . " I looked at him and smiled . " From your lips to God 's ear ! " And he laughed and said , " It will be . I 'm headed south . " My response was to roll my eyes and say , " Don 't tease me like that , pal . I swear , I 'll come across this counter . . . " He thought that I was darn funny stuff . Yeah . It wasn 't a joke . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Big news of the day ? The MRI in done in Pittsburgh came back clear . I called home before I went in to work . The relief and joy in Tim 's voice made me aware once again , that this journey is not my journey ; it is our journey . I felt our coupled - ness . Last night , Cara began to think about her trip to Korea . " Why am I doing this ? " she asked . " All my friends are here . My family . Were you scared when you went to Korea ? " she asked . I thought back . I was older . 23 , I think . " No , " I said . She said , " Well , how did you manage without a cell phone ? Or skype ? " I thought again . " I wrote letters , " I said . " But you didn 't call your friends ? " " No , " I said , again . I saw her trying to imagine life in the olden days , back when I was young . She 's having second thoughts about the thing . Last night , I was tired , and needed to go to bed , so I didn 't have a lot to say . This morning though , we talked before we headed our separate ways . " Cara , " I said . " The best advice that I can give you is that you cannot have your feet in two places at the same time . You have to choose . " And I look at her . This is not our journey ; it is her journey . I felt our separateness . Brianna and Buddy are headed to the hospital . They think there 's a grandbaby on the way . And that 's the beginning of a whole new journey . For all of us . Families are a strange and lovely thing , aren 't they ? The trip to Pittsburgh went smoothly . In fact , we wound up getting there two hours early . Amazingly , they were delighted to see me so early ~ they had an opening . Because I was seen two hours early , I was even able to make my orientation for clinicals this afternoon , the one that I was so worried about missing . I arrived at that hospital grounds a scant five minutes before my class got there . My teacher was plenty surprised to see me . I was so glad that I made it . You know , I had cancer . I 'm comfortable with that perspective , the looking back one . Yesterday , in the Cancer Center , meeting the elderly woman who was so curious about why I was there made me defensive . I mean , I thought that everyone kind of understood that once you have cancer , you remain a patient at the cancer center long after treatment ends . She wanted to ' talk cancer ' . I did not . I did not want to talk about it , or think about it , or hear about it . I 'm a student , a wife , a worker , a mother , I 'm a lot of things , but I AM NOT A CANCER PATIENT . That 's the way I felt . I left the cancer center , and I felt ashamed of my reaction . Was I curt ? Was I rude ? But then I got to school and went to lab to study . I had a test . In the hubbub of the last two days , I did not have a lot of time to study for it , so I set my little cup of pee on the table and began to study . Mary , the other ' mature ' student in the class hailed me , and flopped down across from me . She is the widow in her late sixties who is studying to be a nurse . We 'd talked the first week of class . Got each other 's stories ( the Reader 's Digest version ) , talked about what brought us back into the classroom . I had said that I had cancer , and that experience caused me to view things much differently . She was lonely , and retired , and wanted to be useful . I think that she is lonely , because she 's latched on to me as a kindred spirit , and I suppose we are . So she flopped down across from me , and began talking . " Were you snowed in this morning ? " " No , " I said , " I have an appointment in Pittsburgh tomorrow , anPosted by Ramping it up a notch on the grump - 0 - meter ~ The dryer has pooped out . So on a day when it is 4 degrees out ( and don 't point out that 's considered ' balmy ' in Alaska , Bill . It wouldn 't make matters better . . . ) someone does not have dry underwear . Making it worse , Tim went down to check on this tragedy . " NO DRY UNDERWEAR ! " and returned clutching a tee shirt and dry underwear . I gave him a look . He said , " My clothes were dry . " ( Like Bill pointing out that 4 is balmy in Alaska ~ and I can assure you that our bearded buddy is stubbornly sitting in front of his computer in Alaska , and thinking this because he can ~ Tim 's cheerful ' I got dry underwear ! ' was no more comforting than Bill 's ' 7 degrees ? ! ! ! ! By golly , let me get out the surf board ! ! ! ! Cowabunga ! ) Tim had dry underwear because I washed that load a couple days ago ( before the dryer decided to poop out ) , and just to add fuel to the fires of injustice , allow me to point out that he 's got about three times the amount of underwear that I do ! I gave him a look . Had I KNOWN the dryer was going to poop out , I could have hung the clothes in the basement , and had dry underwear . But , noooo . I went to bed after turning on the dryer and slept the sleep of the innocent . Well . Actually I slept the sleep of the too tired to stay up another minute , but it 's kind of the same don 't you think ? * walks off complaining to self * I am going to Pittsburgh tomorrow to have some tests done . Anyone who has had cancer before understands ' scanxiety ' . You just dread the scans . You are a little fearful of what they could tell you . The news was bad once , and so you live waiting for the other shoe to drop even as you hope that the shoe is not going to drop at all . It 's a strange place to be at . The Cancer Center tracked me down at work last night to tell me that the appointment was set up . ( Me : " What ? ! ! Wednesday ? The day after tomorrow Wednesday ? That one ? ) Still , it was nice of them to track me down . Otherwise , I 'd have not been able to notify any of my instructors , or to call Tim at work to see if he would go . I 'm pissed because I will miss the orientation for clinicals at school and I don 't know whether I can make that up . If I can 't , I 'm screwed . I keep telling myself that I am certain that this is not the first time the college has dealt with something like it , so even though I don 't know what to do , I 'll bet they know what to do . But I don 't know . I surely cannot ask anyone . At this point , I 'd look like an over reactive ninny . Everything is aggravating me , I am ashamed to say . I had to miss a class this morning to go pick up records to take to Pittsburgh with us . I saw a lady there . She 's a regular at the cancer center , and she will be a regular for as long as she lives . She is a nice person , sweet as she can be , but she loves medical stories . She wants to tell you hers . She wants to hear yours . She once asked me how chemo was going , and I said , " Good . Really good , " and she looked at me , cocked her little head and said , " You 're lying to me . I can tell . . . " and gave me a big smile . I never knew what to say to her after that . So when I walked in and saw her at the receptionist 's desk , and inside , I thought words that I will not type . She looked at me in surprise . I said , " Hello . " She said , " Hello . " I asked how she were doing . She said , " Good . " I started to say something about how winter sucks . She said , " I hope you 're not here as a patient . " Me , mPosted by How does someone misplace a three hole punch ? A large three hole punch ? I did . I 've got a crap load of papers , and I can 't find my stinking three hole punch . ARGGGGH ! Tim saw a Savage 99 crescent stock , refinished , that he wanted something awful , having an antique gun that needed it . He asked me to bid on it because he would be gone when the bidding ended , having plans to watch the Superbowl at a friend 's house . He said , " I don 't want to go much over $ 100 for it . " I knew that he 's been looking for something like this for some time , and so I came up with a plan . I was buying it . No matter what . He 's got a birthday coming up . It 's almost Valentine 's Day . It was up to $ 157 when I looked at it , so I recklessly bid $ 210 . 99 on it , and was immediately outbid . I submitted a bid for $ 230 . 99 . . . and was immediately outbid . I was in the process of entering $ 250 . when the auction ended . Good thing probably . Tim would have killed me if I 'd have won , I imagine . Darn you , ' y * * * g ' ! Who the heck would pay $ 232 . 49 for something like that ? ( And just you all never mind that I would have . . . ) I know that it makes no sense whatsoever , but I 'm very disappointed . We are not extravagant people , but just this once , I wanted to knock Tim 's socks off , just once , I wanted to throw caution to the wind , and buy him a present that he 'd never forget , not ever . It 's the Superbowl . Tim is watching the game at his friend 's house . I stayed home to study . I 'll have to chip in on pizza if the Steelers lose . And the stinking Steelers are losing . Natch . I 'm done studying . I 'm going to bed with a heating pad for my neck and back . I 'm quite the little grumpy butt today . I oughta be ashamed . Today , at the Tractor Supply , one of our regulars came in . He 's a funny charactor , and talks to everyone , elderly fellow with a big white beard . Never saw him in a bad mood in my life . Anyways , he came in today , and I called out , " How 's it going today ? " and he walked over . He looked me square in the eye and said , " My house burnt down yesterday . We lost everything . I lost my two dogs . " And he had tears in his eyes . " Dear God ! " I said . " You 're the house up on Hatch Run ? I drove home last night after work , and I could smell that there had been a fire . I did not see where it was . Tim said he 'd driven off the hill early that morning , and the road was closed . He knew it was a bad fire . I 'm so sorry . I didn 't know it was you folks . " He said , " Yep . We were in bed . My daughter woke up . She said it felt like someone shook her awake . She thought it was her mother . She rolled over and there was no one there . She lay there a couple minutes puzzled , but finally got up to figure out what was going on , and she walked into the livingroom and the woodstove was on fire . If it was not for her screaming , I don 't think we 'd have gotten out in time . She can 't get over that feeling that someone had shaken her awake . " I said , " I 've no doubt that Someone did shake her awake . " He grinned a little , very unlike himself , and headed to the back of the store . He needed dog food and a bowl for the one dog that he managed to save . I paged the manager . " Mark , " I said , " we got a guy in here that had a house fire . He lost everything . Can we help him out ? " and Mark immediately said , " Is it Gary - - - - - - - ? I heard . I want to talk to him , " and off he went . Mark gave him a gift card , and a discount , just like that . I love that I work for a store that is so quick to take care of its customers . Really . There was a customer who came into the store . She was looking for peat pots for a project she was doing at the local nature center . Hopelessly , she said , " No place has them , " and I interrupted and said , " But we do . We just set the stuff up last week , " and I led her to where they were . She was much pleased . I headed back to my register , leaving her and her husband at the display . I headed back to the register , stopping to blab with somebody else , and eventually I was ringing up peat pots for my original customers . She looked at me intently . " You 're Debby _____ , aren 't you ? " and I looked up . " Yes , I am . " She extended her hands and said , " What are you doing working here ? You 're smart ! You need some sort of important job . " She explained to her husband that I was a writer in the paper , and that I 'd worked for the county , etc . While she talked , I bagged her stuff . I wondered about that . I need an important job . I know that she meant to be kind . I know that she was paying me a compliment . But my job is important . It pays for college . It provides income to my family . I meet great people . I work with great people . My job is relaxing , strangely enough . They kindly work around my school schedule , and I know that 's a pain in the butt . My job is important . It is important . . . to me . And if I am doing that job right , my job is important to the people I meet as well . Lonely people . Busy people . People who like to laugh . I meet many people , many , many people , and I have just a few minutes to make a difference . I try to be mindful of that . I try to use my time wisely . To encourage , to watch , to inspire , or to be inspired . I look at this woman , and I tell her how lucky I am to have this job . She looks at me as if she doesn 't believe me , not all the way , but she smiles and says , " If you are happy , I am happy for you . " I 've been thinking about that . About importance . I 've come to the same conclusion that I always have come to . We all are important . We all matter . Think about that today , people . Think about that as you go about your businPosted by Perhaps I 'm not remembering correctly , but when I was a young woman , I fell into the group disparagingly referred to as ' women 's libbers ' . * Winces at how old that makes me sound * I remember how outraged my father when he first discovered that I was a feminist . I sat there in my Army uniform and combat boots , and I was amazed that the news came as such a shock to him . Seems funny now , doesn 't it , but he was really quite outraged about it . But seriously , there was something within me that would not let me back down . It has always been there . There was something in me that would not accept abuse or ugly words . I had to speak up . I couldn 't be silent . Most every woman that I knew was like that . We did not back down . In my A and P lab , there are two young boys . They are vulgar . Crude . Talk out loud about the girls in the classroom in the basest of ways . Every other word out of their mouth is ' f . . . ' Anyways , it just kind of shocked me to hear a couple young boys talking openly discussing girls in the classroom in sexual terms . Anyways , ' Beavis ' and ' Butthead ' walked into class on Wednesday , and they started in right away . One of them is quite attracted to ' M ' , a basket ball player , blond , beautiful , and a very nice girl . In any case , Beavis said , " So how many times are you going to stuff it tonight ? " and leered , as Butthead sniggered to himself . She looked at him . " What ? " and he repeated himself but this time he said at the end of it : " Basketball . I was talking about basketball . How many times are you going to stuff it in the basket ? What did you think I was talking about ? " and he leered again , as Butthead sniggered to himself . M said " I play defense . I don 't make baskets . " Beavis and Butthead continued talking between themselves and I made up my mind . When the teacher came in , and we were getting our supplies , I spoke to her . I told her that I was apologizing in advance , because when it came up the next time , I was going to take a stand . The teacher listened , shocked . " No , you won 't , " she said , " because I 'm putting a stopPosted by This morning , I got stuck in the driveway . I had to drive the car Tim bought me for Christmas that I immediately turned back over to him . My Intrigue with 200 , 000 + miles on it shows no sign of stopping , so it eases my mind to know that he 's driving the better car . His drive is longer and takes him through far more remote country than I travel , and in the dark , too . Anyhow , I was very encouraged as I drove the ' good ' car down off the hill ( a hair raising trip that involved a lot of fervent prayers . . . ) to hear the radio reporting the news from Punxsutawny , Pennsylvania . You see , I am fortunate enough to live in a state that is known for Punxsutawny Phil , the prognosticating ground hog who pops out on February 2nd ( Ground Hog Day , coincidently enough ) to tell a breathless world ( or maybe it 's just an American thing . . . ) whether spring is on its way or whether winter will be sticking around . So Phil stuck his head out of his hole and did not see his shadow , which means we will have an early spring . ( good news because I 'm just about sick of winter . . . ) I also read that this is Phil 's 125th year of predicting the weather . 125 years . Dang . I did not know that ground hogs lived that long . ( I don 't imagine that something that old would be worth cooking . . . ) Interesting trivia : How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood ? Dunno . But a wood chuck and a ground hog ? Same critter . You might also hear them called a whistle pig . Sometimes , with all the school stuff , I get overwhelmed , and I find that I lose sight of the ' big picture ' . I can 't see the forest for the trees , I guess . And that is the way that it has been lately . A lot of stuff going on , both in and out of the classroom . School work has become one more thing on a long list of things that I have to do . Today , though , a cool thing happened . In our pediatrics class , we 've been studying reflexes and critical competancies . A lot of memorization . We 've been studying the paperwork , and the process . But today , all of it came together . The teacher stood before us with a doll . She began to say things like " Say that our little who - zit cannot lift her head from the prone position . What would you do ? " And we looked at all the bolsters and the wedges , the equipment , the slant boards , the slo - mo balls , and we began to come up with therapies . All those pieces began to fit together , and I began to see the big picture , once again . I caught a glimpse of the vision that I had last fall , but lost in all the work and the insecurity and the holidays , and . . . well . . . you all know how it can get . And seeing the big picture , once again , I got the idea that I 'm headed where I 'm going to ' fit ' , where I can be useful , and I found myself breathing big and thinking , " Oh , thank God . " This afternoon , we had speakers . One of them was a social working pastor who 'd over come his own post war PTSD issues , his own drug abuse issues , to become a counselor to others . His bustling clinic assists 400 + people a month . His stories were exciting , and I hope to be a volunteer there . I 'd like to learn how to help the mentally ill . Again , I found myself sitting in my seat and listening , and feeling excited at the possibilities . I drove home and I was glad , so grateful , for a day when it all ' clicked ' . Of course , I then discovered that I 'd lost one of my favorite dangly earrings . That sucked . For the proper security clearances , I had to list complete addresses for 28 years . Most of the kids in my class aren 't even 28 years old , bless their little cotton socks . Me , however , I am 28 years old . Plus a year or two . Three , maybe , tops . So I went through my mind banks and filled in what I could . I went through old paperwork , and was able to fill in a few more . I found myself going through old pictures , squinting , trying to see house numbers . I ' googled ' earth . Finally , I 'm done . I have just one lone address that I do not have , but that house on Knight St , Ft . Belvoir , no longer exists . I provided my address at the MEDDAC . Where was I 28 years ago ? I was living at 239 - P Craig Rd , Honolulu , HI . Yes . I made copies . The teacher says we 'll fill this sort of paperwork out again and again . I don 't need to be trying to do this from memory each time . I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
Hard to get around to writing . I used to work a lot . That 's why I wrote a lot . I was at work all the time . I kept my work face on and I was lonely . Writing was my only chance to be myself . I would come home and write , falling asleep with my fingers on the keyboard . After I got fired , I thought about it for a while and decided , fuck it . I 'm not looking for another job . Now , I have to remember to take time off from not doing much and be sure to keep to myself and do nothing . It 's hard . There 's a lot to do and that can distract me from keeping to myself and refusing to do any goddam thing . I need that though . It really helps . I ran into a guy I helped at my old job . He told me he felt safe talking to me . He asked me to help him with his drug problem . He 's a meth addict . Last night he called me very late . He was in a motel room with his boyfriend . They 'd been shooting meth for several days and they were starting to come down . He was frantic to be told he 'd be all right . He wanted to tell me all of his problems . Some of his problems were hallucinations . He kind of knew that . He kept calling me . Finally , a little before sunrise he made it into the hospital . He begged for help and they took him in and called his mom . I 'm hoping he lives through this latest relapse . I told him I loved him . I told him he would be alright but it might take a while . This weekend I went and saw the Flaming Groovies in their home town of San Francisco . I stayed in San Francisco . I had terrific visits with wonderful old friends . I came home and played music with my new friend . I 've been traveling . I would travel more but I got fucked on taxes . Fucking taxes . Another new friend owns a good tattoo shop . I go in to say hello and walk out with a new tattoo . It 's a painful and expensive way to go visiting but it 's fun all the same . My music friend got tickets to see the Drive By Truckers this weekend . I 've seen more good bands lately than I 'd see in ten years working . I don 't even like to see live music . Too many people . Too much noise . I have to stay home by myself for a couple days afterwards . It 's still worth it , like the tattoos are worth it . I have a happy little swallow on the back of my left hand . I 'm free as a fucking bird . OK , it 's been a few months . Health has been up and down . Money has been up and down . Life . Life and the fullness thereof . That sounds kind of naive to me and it 's coming from me . You can 't really pay anybody to fix what 's in your heart and there 's nothing new about that . I 've known that for a long time . Thing is that treatment centers are aimed at people who were cursed to find a magic bullet . They know for a fact that they can hand a man some money and he will fix them right up . They 've had that experience . It changed their lives and gave them new hope and meaning . The promise of consumer society is realized in the addict . Most people wander around buying shit and hoping that it will contribute to their happiness . Some of us have bought something that instantly relieved us of a life time of pain . So then it stops working . It 's just one more problem . One more failed attempt at living . At this point , the industry steps in and promises a return to comfort . Just give them some money and they 'll turn you into the happily productive sucker you always dreamed of being . You 'll work more , make more money , lose weight and finally be happy and there 's the holy trinity of consumer inner realization : Productivity , money and weight loss . What else could there be ? I just read a book by some smug asshole , all about how he cured himself of alcoholism without having to question one single assumption about his pathetic life . He knew his plan worked because he was working harder , earning more and losing weight . Behind all of this is an empire built on bullshit . Insurance companies , healthcare bureaucrats , psychobabble scammers , and behind them the world empire of violence that we all call home . To make it all work a certain percentage of us are sacrificed . If we 're lucky we 're not worked to death in a mine in some impoverished backwater . If we 're lucky we 'll just have our spirits crushed and our minds shattered in some institution of civilization like the family or work . We will look for something to restore us to a sense of completeness and we will find we live in a world that offers only product . So we will eat ourselves to death . Or dose ourselves to death . Or struggle to control the universe by playing god until the universe finally breaks us . I 'm not done . I 'm far from done with this thing . I 'm taking a break . My life got kind of complicated around the time I lost that job . Health troubles , money troubles , death in the family . All that followed by a reversal and some unforeseen luck . Go figure . Anyhow . I have something I need to write about . It 's bubbling in my brain . Right now I 'm just tired . Give me a little while . How did I get stuck with this ? When I was 19 years old I was living in a radical commune in Detroit . There were 14 of us living in this decaying mansion . Most of us worked in the car factories . Every week we put twenty dollars in a coffee can . That covered our rent and groceries for the week . Every once in a while it was your turn to make a grocery run . I was unemployed and in no great hurry to find work . One day one of the women from the house walked in the kitchen and said , " Put on a clean shirt . We 're going down to city hall . I 'm going to apply for a job as a garbage man If they won 't take my application I 'll sue the city . You need to get off your ass and find a job " . I was a new hire so I worked the worst shifts . Midnights on the weekend , that sort of thing . My bosses were old school maniacs . They told us to take manly action when there was trouble on the bus . " Don 't be afraid to use your fists " . I was a 20 year old white boy but I wasn 't completely stupid . I 've always been a worker and I guess it started back then . I tried to figure out what I 'd have to do to keep the job . I couldn 't fight everyone who got on the bus but I 'd be fired if I didn 't follow most of the rules . One night a girl got on my bus . It was around 2AM and she was wearing a party dress and carrying a little purse . It was too cold out to be without a jacket and I dimly understood that she 'd been on a date , fallen out with her date and been kicked out of his car . She tried to give me an old transfer that she 'd found on the ground . I told her it was no good . She looked around to see if any of the men on the bus would help her . There were quite a few of them and none of them stepped up . She turned around and walked off the bus . A mile down the road , I realized , I 'd been a COMPLETE SHIT . I 'd left a young woman stranded on a dark cold street alone in the middle of the night . I was a fucking rat and it was too late to do anything about it . I never wanted to do something like that again . I only worked for the Detroit DOT for a year but I kept driving off and on for the next 40 years . I taught myself how to pay attention to people 's problems . I stopped worrying what my bosses would do to me . Fuck them . If they didn 't want me out there making decisions they shouldn 't have put me out there by myself . I got to where I was really good at dealing with hopelessly fucked up people and putting babies to sleep and helping people figure out that I didn 't give a shit about their money . It was fated that I end up getting rid of respectable commuters and honest workaday folks and devote myself to driving fucked up people full time . Who else could do it better than me ? The job was getting weird . The center is a for profit operation and it hasn 't been making a profit lately . I don 't really believe the owner is sober . For many years he 's had the good sense to hire smart people and stay the fuck out of the place . Lately he 's been around checking out every time card and receipt . All I ever heard from my bosses was nickel and dime bullshit . They used to be generous and considerate and they encouraged me to do my thing . Now they 're looking for " team players " which in my experience usually means people who are willing to sell their souls for a nickel or two . On my end , I was getting really burnt out . I have money problems . I have tax problems . I have car problems . I just had heart surgery . My father just died . This all piled up in a few months . I 'll admit that I 'm not as cheerful and energetic with the clients as I used to be . I 'm tired and somewhat depressed . I need to be taking care of myself . It takes a lot . I mean a huge amount of heart to keep coming back for drunks and drug addicts . If you 're not able to take care of yourself you can 't very well take care of them . Here 's the cynical part . They were taking in all sorts of last gaspers and creepy assholes , not because their prospects were good but because they had insurance or money to pay . They were taking people back for their fourth or fifth pass through . Most of them didn 't give a shit about sobriety . They were grown men with moms who kept taking care of them long after they should have been in the street . Or they were old drunks who wanted to be relieved of the consequences of their drinking so they could continue to drink in peace . There weren 't that many of them but the trouble was they were the ones I noticed . It got to where the people who might want sobriety , always a minority , were invisible . I just went to work and drove creepy assholes around . I suppose the last straw was a guy who was blacked out when I got him . He had spent the day drinking and I had already driven a good three hundred miles on other jobs when I got to his house . He 'd already been in there once and now his wife wanted him to come back in . When I got there he refused to get off the couch . He was abusing his wife . Shouting at her in Punjabi . The house was a mess . Everyone in the family was obviously worn down to nothing by his alcoholism . It took something like 45 minutes to coax him out to the car . Shortly after we left his house he started babbling in Punjabi . Then he started screaming . Then he said he needed a cigarette . He wanted to stop and rest . He wanted the radio shut off . He said I wasn 't allowed to listen to music and he proceeded to scream so I would not be able to listen to music . Then he started grabbing at me and making demands . I told him repeatedly to be quiet and to keep his hands off of me . I pulled off the road once and called my boss because I didn 't know what to do with him . My boss got on the phone and yelled at him . He quieted down for a few minutes then he started jabbing me in the ribs with something . I looked and saw that he had been digging through my bag . He had pulled things out of my bag and thrown them around the back of the car . I pulled off the freeway and called my boss again . He told me to turn around and take him home . I looked at the freeway . The freeway heading towards the center was moving . The freeway back to his house was stopped . I figured it would take me two hours to get to the center or four hours to take him home and get back to the center . By then I had been driving around eight solid hours . I was too fucking tired . I got him out of the car and stood him up . I told him to stop what he was doing in , uh , clear terms . He started telling me how much he respected me and how he loved me . He started bowing to me . I told him to keep that shit to himself until he sobered up . We got back in the car and he pretty much continued to scream and grab at me and make demands and light cigarettes and scream some more for the next two hours . I stopped a couple of times . He did things like start screaming that he needed to piss while we were stuck in slowly moving traffic on a freeway section with no shoulder and the next exit five miles away . I finally got off the freeway , pulled down a country road and stopped by some bushes on the edge of a field . He told me couldn 't piss because he needed a proper bathroom . I told him to look around . There was nothing out there but fields and vineyards and trees . He screamed some more and I got him back in the car . I finally got him in there , but that was the beginning of the end . I had already fallen on the wrong side in a couple of personality conflicts with a couple of other workers . I could handle their eccentricities . We 're all ex drunks and drug addicts after all . They couldn 't handle mine . They 're the kind of people who make up little rules and expect everyone else to follow them . My boss started telling me I shouldn 't talk to anyone else on the staff . His boss and the owner started questioning my time cards . I kept an electronic log , even though I 'm not required to . I said I 'd be happy to show it to them but they weren 't interested . They both like to drive long distances on their vacations so they knew all they needed to know about my job . Then I found myself scheduled to drive a fourteen hour day . That 's fourteen hours of driving . Probably around 16 hours at work . I pointed out to my boss that that was way more driving in one day than we had agreed to . I pointed out that if I was driving a commercial vehicle I would be in violation of a whole bunch of laws that I actually know quite a bit about . I told him that I was perfectly willing to drive part of job the night before , spent a night in a motel and finish it up the next day , only having to drive for ten hours . His first reaction was to blow up at me . He actually yelled , " Just do what I tell you to do " . Then he actually threatened to fire me or have the other driver take my hours . I finally got him calmed down but I almost quit right there . I ended up driving four hours that evening and ten hours the next day . I picked up a kid who lived way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere . He looked like he was about nine years old but he was supposedly eighteen . He told me he took twelve Xanax when he saw me pull in the driveway . He was unconscious for the whole ten hour drive . I kept checking to see if he was breathing . Just before he passed out he told me he 'd been using heroin since he was 12 . He really did live in a little city over a mountain range and out on the edge of the desert . There 's nothing there but that town and the biggest prison in the state . It 's hundreds of miles from anything at all . Two days later he called his dad and his family came and brought him home . He didn 't like it there . They came and got him . He gave me the fucking creeps . I 'm supposed to be taking care of myself , following a strict diet and regular exercise program . I was struggling with it but then my father died . Our relationship was never good but that 's a story for another time . He was still my father and I just plain needed to time to sort out the complicated feelings I was experiencing . I couldn 't keep driving a thousand mies a week at a part time job . I told some staff people that I was getting burnt out but I wanted to hang on for another year . I 've got a pension now . It 's not much but in another year I can get social security and finally retire for real . I 'm ready . In the meantime I was blowing off exercise and craving comfort food . All I wanted to do was go to sleep . This was not going to work in the long run . I took the drunk Punjabi home four days ago . He had successfully completed treatment and told me he was a new man . Two days later his family was begging us to come get him . He was drunk and behaving badly . Yesterday morning I left to take two people home and then go get the Punjabi . I was so nervous I was on the verge of a panic attack . His wife had assured the staff that he had errands to run and that he would be sober when I got there . I knew that was bullshit . I got to his house early in the afternoon . He was a little drunk . His daughters were there . They clearly hated him . I told him no more bad behavior or I 'd just dump him in a parking lot . He started apologizing way too much . I told him the more he apologized the less I believed him . He finally settled down . We stopped twice along the way . Once for him to piss . Once for me to piss . After each stop he was noticeably drunker , so I figured he 'd hidden a bottle somewhere . By the time I got to the center he was passed out , which I appreciated . I woke him up when we arrived . He got out of the car and began dancing around and running back and forth . I was trying to get his luggage out of the car and the most anxious , hysterical staff person was alone in the office . She practically shrieked but she got him rounded up . When I put his luggage away she told me to go talk to my boss . At that point I kind of figured I was fired . My boss had stayed late , waiting for me . He never stays late . He told me I was unhappy and they were unhappy and I should just give him back the keys and leave . I kind of put a little fight but he 's a good guy and I was burnt out and that 's all there was to it . I 'm gonna be hurting for money but it 's going to be all right . There are a lot of stories from that job that have gone unwritten . I 'm not giving up on this blog just yet . In fact I 'll probably write a bit more now that I have some slack . Eventually I 'll run out of stories and shut this thing down . I drove for a living for forty years , off and on . I 'm tired of driving . I 'm pretty fucking depressed today . I 'd like it if I never drove again . That 's how I feel now . I am getting old I guess . I go drive 500 miles and I want to go to bed and sleep ten hours . Used to be , I would be excited and need to drink beer and smoke cigarettes and talk shit for hours . I picked up this 52 year old woman from the hospital , far away . Her grown kids were there . Her daughter told me , " Watch her . She 's really fuckin ' sneaky " . The woman was in the hospital because she had been trying to drink without a stomach . She had an ulcer and it tore open and ripped her stomach in two . Blood was pouring out her ass and she was drinking vodka . She couldn 't get drunk because the vodka was just pouring into her abdominal cavity but she was trying . That 's how her daughter found her . She went to the hospital and they sewed her back together and when she was well enough I got called to come bring her so we could fix her up . Yeah right . I liked her . She was an old lesbian with lots of piercings and tattoos . She rode a big motorcycle . She must have been the terror of the town . She complained for weeks because she didn 't like the clothes her daughter packed for her . I asked her what her daughter did with her bed and her carpets , now that they were blood soaked bio hazards . She said her daughter got rid of them somehow . Then I told her she looked swell . A year ago I drove in a drunk , retired business guy . He 'd been a big shot . Hadn 't had drink in 20 years Then he retired and sat on the couch . After a while he figured the couch by itself wasn 't much consolation . He started drinking for something to do . He was a mess and I brought him in and they sobered him up and I drove him home and it was all smiles . A year later , there I was again . This time he smelled really bad and his wife had dropped the brave and dutiful face . He was kind of incoherent and after a while I asked him when he 'd last eaten something . He didn 't remember . I stopped in a rest area and ran and got cookies and orange juice . When I got back he was lying in the parking lot . I 'm a big guy and he is 5 inches taller and 50 pounds heavier than me . I got him to his feet and carried him to the car . He drank the juice and ate some cookies . After a while he perked up a little so I didn 't call an ambulance . He ended up leaning on two of us but we got him into the office . A couple of days later he said he didn 't feel good and he wanted to go home . They talked him out of that but it looks like he plans to die , alone and drunk . Sometime soon . Speaking of dying . I drove up the coast to my favorite town . When I was 10 miles away , I stopped to get coffee . I called the client and said I 'd be there soon . She said she had a quart of rum in front of her and she 'd had a few beers . I told her to hold on and I 'd be there in ten minutes . Ten minutes later , I walked into her apartment . The bottle of rum was almost empty . She hadn 't packed . At first she was walking and talking just fine . I tried to help her pack but pretty quickly she got to where she couldn 't stand up . Then she couldn 't sit up . Then she almost fell through a glass topped table so I let her stay on the floor and called an ambulance . When the ambulance arrived it turned out the cops and EMT 's all knew her . One cop told me he 'd had 4 or 5 calls on her in the past month . I found her keys , poured out all the liquor locked up her apartment and gave the keys to one of the EMT 's . I picked up another returnee at a hospital way up in the mountains . I picked him up and took him home before . The hospital had him so tranked up he didn 't recognize his own name . Later he told me that the last time I dropped him off he was drinking as I pulled out of his driveway . This time he told me it was going to be all different . Christ , I hope so . You know , I 'm 60 . I 'm tired . Sitting alone on that couch seems like a good idea . I don 't want to drink but sometimes it 's hard , letting go of my youth . I spend a lot of time grieving my youth . I don 't want it back but it 's sad to see it go . The future used to go on forever and the possibilities were limitless . I 'm writing on a bad day . Tomorrow will probably be different . Sometimes this job is the best thing that 's ever happened to me . Other days I wish I could quit . I figure I 'll give it another year . I drove a long way to pick up this kid . He was a heroin addict . He was the worst heroin addict in the world His detox was going to be the worst and most protracted detox in the history of heroin . We were all going to be shocked by the extreme sickness he would experience during his detox . He didn 't care . He could detox on his own . He probably didn 't need detox meds because he was tough . He was a thief . He was a completely heartless thief . He stole ten thousand dollars from his grandma . He had millions in cash buried out in his yard . He was coming into treatment on his mom 's grocery clerk benefits . He was the greatest mechanic I 'd ever met . He 'd built the most extreme off road vehicles with the most powerful engines ever built . He 'd made more money flipping cars than he 'd made stealing and selling drugs . He never paid full price for drugs . He knew the right people . When you know the right people you never have to pay the kind of money that suckers pay for drugs . His extreme , shocking detox lasted two days . He was up walking around boasting to people by day two . They made him attend classes and group sessions . He didn 't like that . He wasn 't the center of attention in classes and sessions . Classes really pissed him off . He stood up in the back of the room and gave the finger to whoever was teaching through the whole class . |
I first began blogging on AOL 's journals , I think it was in 2003 or 2004 . Compared to the huge number of people you find blogging on the Google blogging platform , it was a pretty small , tight community . I saw AOL gradually shutting down one program after another and knew that the Journals were probably going to go the way of the dinosaur ; so before that happened , I started blogging on Google Blogger , usually doing different entries than I put on my Journal . When AOL journals ended , I transferred that several years ' worth of entries to Blogger so I wouldn 't lose all the memories . I lost most of the pictures contained therein , but the words and even reader 's comments transferred smoothly . Here 's where this is leading : Cliff has been reading the Willie Nelson autobiography that I read a couple of months back . . . stay with me here . . . and yesterday as he laid the Kindle aside , he remarked , " Willie has a house in Hawaii . " " Yeah , " I said . " It 's probably worth millions . No average person could ever afford to live there . " About that time a Facebook friend came to mind , a used - to - be AOL Journals blogger . " But wait , " I told him , " I do know of one Internet friend who is about as " normal " as anybody . " ( I 'm talking lifestyle , income , things like that . . . because really , who is normal ? ) So I found myself compelled to fill in the blanks about my friend who lives in Hawaii with her parents , helping with her mother who , I believe , has Alzheimer 's . Here 's the short story I gave him about her whole life . " She lived in Colorado when I first discovered her blog and most entries were about her kids and her husband . They seemed to be a reasonably happy family , and probably were . Then at some point the marriage grew troubled . She and her husband agreed to disagree but continued living in the same house for awhile . After several years , she returned to Hawaii and that 's where she is now . I 'm pretty sure they aren 't wealthy , but I 'll bet the property she and her parents live on is worth a bunch . Oh , and her kids and grandkids are still in Colorado . " There was so much more I remembered , details about this lady 's life , but it would have gotten boring to Cliff had I continued , so that 's pretty much where I left things . Here 's what amazes me . I never met this lady . I didn 't even read every single one of her blog entries , and although I remember leaving comments , I don 't think I did so very often . But in the words she wrote as time went on , I saw her heart break , not just once , but many times . I saw confusion , perhaps a touch of desperation , and finally acceptance , I saw all this without her ever going into complete details about some things . I guess you could call it " reading between the lines " . She isn 't the happy - go - lucky lady I used to see portrayed in her blog . But she still has her sense of humor . So . At six o ' clock this morning I decided to private message Jody on Facebook , knowing it was much earlier in Hawaii . To my surprise , she immediately answered back . She probably hadn 't gone to bed yet . . . I didn 't realize there was THAT much time difference between here and there ! We had a decent conversation , although I was all bouncing all over the place with the subject matter so that by the time she responded to one comment , I had already changed directions . Last week Cliff fixed it so that Stanley would get used to the trailer that would be taking him to the butcher shop , and he certainly did get accustomed to it ; he followed me into the trailer when it was time to go and began eating the sweet feed I poured in front of him . Not that anything ever worried him much . I have never in my life laughed any harder at a pig . I guess it was because he didn 't have another pig to buddy up with , but he sure did some shenanigans . We had a round concrete container to put his water in , and in spite of how heavy it was , he rooted it around all over his pen . About ten days before it was time to haul him away to his destiny , he scooted the water dish over to his mud wallow and into it . He then rooted until he got it upside down , but he wasn 't done yet : He proceeded to bury it , rooting mud over it until it was totally out of sight . Since his time here was short , I just gave him water a couple times a day in his feed trough . He really didn 't need any drinking water before I sold Penny - the - cow , since he was getting four gallons of milk a day . However , once Penny left , he needed water . If Stanley saw me coming with the milk bucket in hand , or with any container that might contain table scraps or refuse from the house , he would run joyfully around in a circle , grunting his pleasure as I approached . I miss that pig . I don 't miss the smell , but he was a day - brightener , in spite of his faults . All the time he was here , he did his best to root his way out of the pen , and I was sure we 'd have to put a ring in his nose ; but Cliff didn 't want to do that unless it was necessary , because he feels pigs need to root . He would fortify Stanley 's pen if it appeared he might make an escape , rather than ring his nose . It was hot when we bought him as a cute little pig , so I bought a cheap wading pool and filled it with water for him to cool off in . He finally outgrew it , smashing the sides down when his head and feet hung out of it , but he still enjoyed it . He moved it here and there around the pen , evenA pig will usually choose one spot in his pen to use as a bathroom , so all the mess is in one section of the pen and you know where to walk to avoid the mess . Unfortunately , Stanley failed to read the pig manual and had not learned about this custom . Not one spot in his pen was safe , including , when he was small , the trough he had to eat out of . He wasn 't the brightest candle on the cake , but he was happy . Stanley loved rotten peaches , seeds and all , but I stopped giving him the seeds after reading that peach pits contain cyanide . It doesn 't hurt the pig to eat them , but the cyanide is stored in the pig 's fat and doesn 't leave his body . Stanley weighed 273 pounds , a very good weight for butchering . The grandson will pay the processing and get half the meat . Never have we had a pig that cost us so little to raise , thanks to the extra milk we had , and gave me such enjoyment . Posted by I had Grace 's due date written on the calendar as October 26 . She gave birth just at dawn , October 25 . . Because it was almost time for the full moon , I named the baby heifer Luna . As it turns out , this is the only calf we got from that ornery Jersey bull I raised , since we butchered him before he managed to serve Penny . He was such a runt , it 's amazing he was able to climb Mount Gracie and do the deed . We butchered him and let the grandson have half the meat for paying the processing fee . I am ecstatic at getting a heifer , because a Jersey bull isn 't worth much to anybody . Both the mom and the sire have some Holstein in their bloodlines , and it shows up somewhat in Luna : She doesn 't have the lovely " dished face " pure Jerseys have , and she is a little longer - legged and larger in general that most Jersey heifer calves . Here she is trying to get her first meal : I fully intended to buy a couple of Holstein bull calves by this time , but the dairy didn 't have any available when I called . They have calves being born all the time , so I hope to get some within the next week . We babysat our prize little girl three days this week , but now her mom is off work until Monday . I took the opportunity to take some straw to the barn , and then I picked tomatoes . The weather - guessers are forecasting near - freezing temperatures for tonight , so I decided to get in gear . I 've been eating four or five tomatoes every day , just because I know it won 't be long till we 'll have to resort to plastic , tasteless , store - bought tomatoes . We 've had BLT 's quite a bit lately , too . That 's a three - gallon bucket almost full of green tomatoes . I hope they ripen a few at a time so we 'll have some for the table after the present ripe ones are gone . I used to wrap the green tomatoes in newspaper to ripen , so that if any of them started to go bad it wouldn 't spread to the others . This time I intend just to go through them every couple of days and check them . I sent the poem in the previous entry to the secretary of our tractor club , and she asked if I 'd read it at our club Christmas dinner ; of course I agreed to that . Where would I get a more receptive audience for that poem than with a group of tractor - loving people ? When I was single , I thought I wanted a dozen babies some day , and even had names picked out for all of them . I wasn 't an only child , but I was the youngest , and since my sister and brother were both gone by the time I was two , I was pretty much raised like an only child . I always wished for a sibling near my age , but looking back , I don 't imagine it would have worked out well . Ah , but I was going to make up for it if / when I ever had a husband . Twelve kids , count ' em . I did find me a man ( yee - haw ! ) and before our first anniversary I gave birth to a baby boy named after both our fathers . I convinced my husband that no kid ought to be raised without a sibling ( because look at me . . . see how self - centered I am ? ) and before our beautiful baby boy was two years old , we had a daughter . " Let 's have another one , " I said . " No way , " my husband , the second - oldest of six kids raised in a poor family , answered . About the time my daughter was three , I started babysitting . I babysat my nephew Chad , the easiest kid anybody ever took charge of . Then I added Walt and Richard Earl , quite excellent kids . So I had my kids and three others . I was doing pretty good with that . Then two more came . You 've heard about the straw that broke the camel 's back ? That did it . It wasn 't the kids , it was me . After a few weeks I realized I had no business tending all these kids , and before long , I was done with babysitting and back to taking care of my own two , exclusively . Here 's something interesting : As much of a failure as I felt I was as a babysitter , both then and now , I have been amazed at the memories of the oldest of the two " straws that broke the camel 's back " , who is now a friend of mine on Facebook . She remembers how I made home - made play - dough . . . she recalls that I made chocolate Malt - o - meal . . . bless her heart , she has good memories of the time she spent under my care . But I digress . One day I woke up and realized I wasn 't equipped to deal with a whole bunch of kids . In fact , had I babysat that many kids before I ever had a baby of my own , I might not have had kids at all . I am not patient enough or selfless enough . I should never have had kids . . . and yet , I 'm glad I did . But I stopped babysitting and got " fixed " . I knew I wasn 't going to have any more babies . Most mothers do the best they know how to do . Knowing that , I thank God for my mother and I thank God for the children He gave me in spite of my weaknesses . I also thank Him for my husband , who put his foot down when I thought we needed a third baby . Here you go , Cliff . You don 't get to hear it often , but you were right . Back when I wrote songs and poems regularly , I learned one important thing : I can write a fairly decent poem any time I want , but the good poems and the great songs just drop out of the sky when they are least expected . I assumed my Muse had left me , because nothing has dropped out of the sky for a long , long time . Until this morning . As usual , my bladder woke me up for the third time around three A . M . I crawled back in bed , really sleepy , feeling pretty sure I 'd be asleep again in no time , when two lines dropped out of the sky . " An old man with his tractor is something to behold ; he 'll touch that rusty carcass like it 's something made of gold . " It wasn 't quite that polished , but the idea and the rhyme were there . I shoved it aside and tried to sleep , but other ideas and words came in a flood . I finally grabbed the IPad that 's always beside my bed and began typing some of the lines into " notes " on the Icloud . At four A . M . I got up , opened up the laptop ( because it 's faster and easier to type on as opposed to the one - finger pecking I have to do on the IPad ) , went to " notes " , and started adding to the skeleton of a poem I had , which of course showed up there because these things sync , you know . I polished what was there , added more lines and rhymes , and got that familiar thrill I always used to get when I realized " this thing 's gonna work ! " I clicked out of the browser that held my golden words . But when I went back to it , all that remained was the skeleton , the original thoughts I had put on the IPad in bed . Back to the IPad , I saw nothing was left but those first jottings . My first thought was to give up and forget about it . I didn 't remember half the stuff I had added to the song / poem . But then I thought , " The Muse hasn 't come around for a long , long time . I guess I 'd better work with her . So I 'm working . This time I 'm using " Open Office " as my notebook . I know there are some golden thoughts that are gone forever , but maybe the whole thing will be worth saving in the end . In other words , another random entry . First of all , I believe I last mentioned we were going to pick up two " new " old tractors . After more inspection , Cliff decided the Farmall M wasn 't worth what the seller was asking , so we came home with only the Super C Farmall . He 's already got it running , and Cliff 's project for tomorrow is to take the gas tank off and clean the rust out of it . We would still like to find a Minneapolis Moline R like our very first tractor , but so far no luck . Perhaps you can tell by this picture that Grace is heavily pregnant . She is looking more ready all the time . She 's my baby - raiser ; last year she ended up starting six calves besides her own heifer calf , supplying them with milk until they could be weaned . I think this may be the earliest we have ever started feeding hay . The pasture is simply dried up . I 'm hoping she is willing to repeat her foster - mothering business this winter . Unfortunately , Grace 's milk is like that of a purebred Holstein , very little cream , with the consistency of half - and - half you buy in the store . I had gotten spoiled to the thick , rich cream that rose to the top of the milk I got from Penny ( one teaspoon would do for a cup of coffee ) , and after selling her , I hardly knew what to do . I bought some half - and - half , but it resembled whole milk more than cream . Then I purchased powdered Coffeemate , which used to be my choice additive to coffee . I will say it 's an improvement . I 'll just have to get used to it again . At one point I preferred it to cream because cream left a fatty coating in my mouth . This morning we actually made a trip to Dave 's , our nearest store , so I could get the CoffeeMate . I 'm not one to make impulsive purchases while grocery - shopping ( we won 't talk about Amazon . com , though ) . But I happened past a display of Amish - made candy and noticed some white - chocolate - covered pretzels , a favorite of Cliff 's , and decided to surprise him . I actually picked it up and headed off with it , then looked at the price : $ 4 . 49 for ten pretzels . They were big , fat pretzels , but still . . . that 's highway robbery . I knew Cliff would be happy to have them though . After a little more pondering , I came to my senses : For that kind of money I could buy some almond bark and a bag of pretzels and Cliff could have at least ten times as many pretzels ! It isn 't as though that stuff is difficult to make . I put the Amish candy back in it 's place . I only made a few today , using two of the little blocks of almond bark . I 'll make more every few days and Cliff will have treats regularly . First of all , the sale of Penny - the - cow went off without a hitch . As it turns out , I don 't miss her as badly as I thought I would , and it 's rather nice to know I don 't have to milk twice a day . Stanley - the - pig no doubt misses his four gallons of milk a day , but he 's getting all the corn he can eat ; he 's scheduled to be butchered in ten days . I know Penny went to a good , albeit inexperienced , home . I couldn 't help but wonder how that man and his many children got along with milking a cow the first few times , but when Cliff suggested I call or email to check , I answered with a firm " no " . Many years ago I purchased a horse from a local guy . At least every other day for a month , he would come out and check on the horse , as though I couldn 't be trusted to take proper care of the animal after paying a pretty healthy price for him . I reminded Cliff of this and he immediately agreed that I should leave Penny 's new owners alone . Autumn has arrived , with a chance of frost predicted for tonight . All that 's left of my garden is the row of strawberries I transplanted this summer and the two rows of tomato plants , which are still providing me lots of tomatoes . They are ugly tomatoes with split tops , but oh , so tasty . I actually force myself to eat three or four tomatoes a day , knowing that there won 't be any more homegrown tomatoes until next July at the earliest . Cliff has tilled all the idle parts of the garden and would have planted grass seed on the part I won 't be using next year if it weren 't for the fact that we 're in a drought , so the grass wouldn 't sprout and grow if he planted it . Each morning when I limp out of bed , I assess my aches and pains . First of all I thank God I can walk , and that I even HAVE legs and feet that can still carry me about my little domain , and I thank Him that I live in a time when pain relievers are available . Then I try to decide if I have enough pain to take something for it , and if so , what I should take . My back has decided to join my knees in reminding me that I 'm alive . When I was milking , if my back was really bothering me in the morning I chose to take one or two acetaminophen , knowing that it wouldn 't cause me trouble on an empty stomach . If I 'm having a bad knee day here at home , I usually choose Ibuprofen , which must be taken with plenty of food or water so as not to upset my stomach , but works remarkably well unless I 'm doing more walking than usual . Most days I get by without taking anything , not because I don 't hurt somewhere , but because I can deal with some pain . I don 't like taking pills . Besides , if I take pain relievers too many days in succession , I begin to get rebound headaches . That lets me know I 'd better take a couple days off . Mayo Clinic says taking pain - killers for arthritis doesn 't cause rebound headaches , so I guess I 'm just crazy thinking they do . I have hydrocodone with me always , but usually only take it if we are visiting a place of interest where I 'll be walking a lot ( tracCliff hasn 't had a project for awhile , and has been in the house most of every day . It isn 't that I mind him being in the house , but he was SO inactive that I worried for his well - being . He is in the same boat as I am regarding pain : He can no longer go for walks for exercise . I guess his knees got jealous of all the attention mine get and decided to join in . So , I started looking for a project , ANY project , to get him moving and interested in going to the shop . I placed an ad saying we were looking for a Minneapolis Moline " R " to restore , a tractor like the first one we owned . How much we would pay would depend on the condition of the tractor . In the process of perusing Craigslist , one of us mentioned a Farmall " M " for sale and for some reason , I emailed the seller Cliff 's number . When the guy called , Cliff wasn 't in the least interested . A Farmall " M " is at the bottom of his list of desirable tractors : They are plentiful and can be found on Craigslist by the dozen at any time . If you spend money restoring and painting one , you 'll have at least four times as much invested as you could ever sell it for . Cliff politely asked him some questions and was getting ready to bid him goodbye when the man mentioned that his dad , for whom he was selling the " M " , also had a Farmall " C " with a sickle mower for sale . To make a long story short , after a little dickering and getting the seller to agree to a two - for - one price , Cliff agreed to purchase both tractors . We 'll get them tomorrow . My husband will have not just one winter project , but two , to work on at his leisure . Both tractors have mostly decent tires ( that adds about $ 1 , 000 to the worth of the two combined ) ; the M may have power steering and the C turned out to be a newer and slightly more valuable Super C , which comes with a sickle mower ; there are fenders for it ( many of the old Farmalls lack fenders because they were an extra for which the farmer paid separately ) . Neither tractor has any noticeable dents , an unusual thing for any item of well - used farm equipment that first saw the light of day in 1949 or 1951 . It 's fun tractor - shopping with Cliff . I only regret that we didn 't get our Minneapolis Moline " R " . Maybe next year . Posted by We hauled five steers to the livestock auction Tuesday morning , knowing they wouldn 't bring as much as we had hoped when we bought them because the bottom fell out of the cattle market . When we came home I watched a lot of the auction on the computer . It started at 10 : 45 and went on all day . They sell the cattle in the order they are brought in , and our calves were some of the last to arrive ; I didn 't happen to be watching when they sold , but I saw enough of the sale to realize that we wouldn 't make enough money to cover my labor : I just hoped we 'd clear enough to return what we paid for the calves and the feed I bought for them . The check came today . It was exactly as I had expected . The calf that barely made more than we originally paid for him was Henry , the calf I weaned at six weeks of age . We didn 't dehorn him , which always hurts the price , and he never did outgrow the pot belly that early - weaned calves so often have . I won 't be early - weaning any more calves , and as long as the grandson is here to help Cliff , every calf is going to have dehorning paste used on him . Here 's the biggest surprise of all : Two Jersey steers , the ones I always called " the Brownies " , made the most money , simply because I paid so much less for them than I did for the two Holsteins . They made a LOT more ! So I have learned that any time I have the choice between paying $ 225 for Jersey bull calves or $ 425 for Holsteins , the Jerseys are the ones to buy . I only have access to Jersey bulls in the spring , though , while I can buy Holsteins the year around . Even though the check was disappointing , it 's enough to cover money I borrowed from Cliff 's tractor fund to help pay for an air conditioner coil and new furnace we recently had installed . He 'll be able to start window - shopping for bigger old tractors again . I say window - shopping because he really isn 't in the market for any more tractors unless he finds one that 's the buy of the century , but somehow he enjoys perusing Craigslist a lot more when he knows he has enough money to buy some of the things he sees . The man who bought Penny is coming tomorrow to pick her up and pay the rest of the money he owes for her . He sent me an email with a couple of dozen questions about milking , feeding , and tending a cow . He 's starting from scratch and knows absolutely nothing about this enterprise , but guess what ? That 's where I was when we got our first milk cow , and she and I both survived . My parents got to answer all my stupid questions , and I kept that in mind as I answered his . He has the added bonus of the Internet , where there is an answer for all questions . . . you just have to learn to sift the chaff from the wheat . Also , I told him to call any time he has questions . That 's where we stand today , and by tomorrow afternoon my cattle herd will consist of two cows : Grace , I 'm fairly certain , is due to calve around the end of this month , so there will soon be additions . . . her calf plus any Holstein calves I buy to help take her milk . Hope is only seven - and - a - half months old , and I will have to watch the calendar so I can put her up at the first sign of being in heat so a bull doesn 't get to her too young . She shouldn 't be bred until she 's fifteen months old , so that is a lot of calendar watching when you consider she comes in heat every three weeks . But what else am I doing , right ? One Sunday not long ago we went down to Sedalia and revisited Bothwell Lodge . In the process of looking for other things to do in that area , I found out there is an ammunition factory at Sedalia that gives tours to anybody who drops in : Sierra Bullets Factory . We couldn 't wrap it into our visit that day because the place isn 't open on weekends , but I tucked it into the recesses of my brain and saved it . This morning after spending a couple of hours at Grain Valley Muffler ( we highly recommend that place ) with our old truck , I suggested we go to Sedalia and see the factory . Cliff didn 't argue , and off we went . Unfortunately , it was almost noon when we arrived and there aren 't any tours from noon to one . We went to the Katy Depot , ate a picnic lunch , left for a Baskin / Robbins ice cream cone and a McDonald 's senior coffee , and returned to Katy Depot , wandering around looking at all the items of interest . It 's another place we had visited before , but you always see things you 've missed . Then we headed to the bullet factory . I told Siri to locate " Sierra Bullet Factory " and she took us right to the sign announcing their business . I was a little confused when I noticed the sign on the building said " Starline " , but we walked inside , I asked if they gave tours , and the lady at the desk answered that they did . We had a little bit of a wait , but eventually a lady came in looking a little flustered and said she 'd show us around . I find all factory tours interesting , even if they make a product I don 't use , and this one was no different . The lady who took us through obviously knew her product ; she told us she had come with the company when it moved to Sedalia from California . She visited with some of the employees as we passed by , and even gave some of them some instructions while she was nearby . I asked her , at one point , if there was a best time of day to come for a tour , and she said ideally people would call and give them a heads - up before coming so they could plan for it . I thought this strange , since the Sierra website said as long as your group is fewer than ten , you could just come in and get the tour . When we were finished the lady gave us free gifts : A cap for Cliff and a T - shirt for me . Then she said , " Did you tour Sierra , next door ? " Ah . We were in the wrong place ! When we told her we hadn 't , she said , " By all means go on over there and have them show you around . " I was all ready to go to Sierra , but Cliff said he 's rather save that for another time . " I 'd like to have somebody with me when I tour that , " he told me . What am I , chopped liver ? I think perhaps he meant somebody who might appreciate bullets and guns and such . . . you know , a guy . I have news for him . He can take all the guys he wants , but I am going to be one of the guys ! I don 't miss out on road trips ! We acquired Stanley the pig June 28 to help us use up the excess milk we were getting from Penny . I had a couple of calves nursing her at milking time and later got a third one , but there was still plenty left over for a little bitty baby pig . When I weaned the calves and put them on pasture , I was left with a surplus of four gallons of milk a day . Stanley wasn 't big enough to take that much milk , so I had to pour some down the drain for awhile , but he gradually grew enough that he could take it all ; I supplemented it with a little chopped corn . We planned to take our cheaply - raised pig to the butcher shop down the road when he got to three hundred pounds : Grandson Arick would pay for the processing , since we took care of the pig 's feed , and we would each take half the pig . It 's a great plan , one we 've used before . We forgot to take deer season into account . When it 's time for deer to be processed , the butcher shops around here stop taking cows and pigs , which is a good thing in the long run , because deer season is such a rushed , busy time for them , even if they continued to take in domestic livestock , it probably wouldn 't be taken care of in a timely manner . So when Stanley is ready for butchering , no butcher will process him . Thank goodness Cliff worked at the now defunct Country Butcher shop at Oak Grove for many years . He still has his knives , and knows how to use them . It isn 't easy these days , with arthritis plaguing him in his shoulders and hands , but he can do it . We have a grinder , and I know where to get seasoning for sausage . We don 't have a way to cure the hams and bacon , but Cliff and I weren 't going to have that done anyhow ; the grandson planned on some ham and bacon , so he 's out of luck unless the butcher shop would agree to do the curing if the cuts are brought to them , ready . We just didn 't think ahead when we bought Stanley . It 's our fault . The other thing that is really bad timing for us is the current drought . While there was lots of rain a hundred miles to the north , all of it has passed us by , leaving us with dust clouds and dried - up , depleted pasture . The timing is great for the farmers busy with harvest right now , but it 's terrible here ; cattle prices have taken a nose - dive , and we are forced to sell our weaned calves . We 'll haul them to the sale barn today . As always , we thank God we don 't depend on cattle - raising for a living . I 'm not as bummed by this as you might think . We have never been great at socking money away and building up savings accounts . So if the calves bring exactly what we paid for them six months ago , we ask ourselves , " If we hadn 't spent that money on calves , would we still have it today ? " Probably not . So we just tell one another , " Well , at least we kept our money together for awhile . " Regular readers realize how I have worried and stewed over whether to sell Penny , one of my two Jersey cows . One would think it shouldn 't be a problem , considering I have sold dozens of cows I loved over the years . And yet I struggled . Penny 's milk was perfect , the cream content outstanding . She never gave me a problem in the barn , being milked . I usually like to buy at least two baby calves at a time , so they can be buddies ; but Penny was the only one I bought that spring . I took suggestions for names from my blog readers , then let them vote for their favorite of the names that had been suggested . That 's how she got her name . When we put dehorning paste on her , some of it got on the tip of an ear , leaving her right ear shorter than the left one . I had hoped that when she had her first calf , I might be able to get a couple of " bobby " calves to put alongside it so I wouldn 't have to milk all the time . This worked perfectly with Grace , my other cow ; unfortunately , since Penny 's firstborn was dead by the time it was delivered , she never got any experience with having a calf suckle her . She refused the calves I put on her , although I did force her to take calves for about three months by putting an anti - kick device on her right side and letting all three calves nurse from that side . Calves are hard on a cow 's delicate udder , she developed some sore spots , and I weaned the calves and started milking twice a day . That isn 't as unpleasant a task as you might think , not for me . I saved the morning milking ( over two gallons ) , skimmed off the cream for coffee cream , potato soup , rice - and - raisins , , butter - making , etc . , and poured most of the skim milk to Stanley the Pig , who got ALL the milk I obtained in the evening , cream and all , warm from the cow . I 'm guessing he weighs around two hundred pounds now , although Cliff and I aren 't very good at estimating the weight of a pig ( therein lies another story ) . The trouble is , you have to be home every twelve hours to milk a cow . Later on I could have switched to once - a - day milking , but not now , with her giving so much milk . Finally this week , that still , small voice of reason kept telling me to sell the cow . Friday evening I placed an ad on Craigslist , offering Penny for a more - than - reasonable price . I would have asked more had she been bred , but it 's been almost six months since she calved : When I see a cow advertised that hasn 't been bred in a timely manner , that raises red flags for me , and I wanted to allow for that . See , she had metritis after her difficult calving . The vet treated that , got her coming in heat again , and assured us that she would breed if we got her to a bull . Here 's one of the pictures I took to put on Craigslist : I immediately got a phone call from someone far away in central Kansas wanting to come and see her ; he was going to be working Saturday but wanted to come the next day . I told him to check back and see if she sold before then . There was an email half an hour after I placed the ad asking if I would take $ 150 less than my stated price for the cow . Good grief , I had her at a bargain price already ! Saturday I got calls from two different people who probably would have bought her , but we were going to be gone on a tractor drive until evening . One man , another Kansan , said he would be here at 4 : 30 after I told him we would be home by four o ' clock . He and his son watched me milk Penny and asked lots of questions ; " Four gallons . . . that 's a lot of milk ! " he exclaimed . The guy said he has a lot of kids , and although they have never had experience with a cow , they want to try milking . I liked the fellow , even though he has no experience . Cliff and I both got good vibes from him . He paid us half our asking price to hold the cow until next weekend and went on his way . We will probably tell him that if she doesn 't work out , we would take her back , as long as she is in the same shape as when we sold her . But then he could probably sell her to someone else for more than he 's paying . So , Penny is going to Edwardsville , Kansas , next weekend . I 'm churning butter every day , putting it in the freezer . I hope this all works well for everyone involved . Grace is due to calve in three weeks , I believe . Her milk and cream are nothing to brag about , but her temperament is sweet . If she accepts other calves as well as she did last year , we should be able to travel a little bit and I will still have a pet cow . Because I was in my autumn doldrums last week , and already missing the little girl we watch who was due to be gone for almost two weeks , I started planning some activities Cliff and I could do to get our minds focused on the outside world . Thursday we went to Olathe , Kansas , and visited an automotive museum that 's only been open for a year . Now I 'll be the first to tell you that Cliff has a lot more interest in classic cars than I do , but I found the place very much worth the time we spent there . The antique and classic cars were pristine . With the exception of one vehicle , everything in the place is on loan , and the cars are rotated through the place often . So we could probably return in a few months and see a whole different group . I enjoyed the history of car sales and manufacturing in Kansas City most of all . There are plans in the works to move the place and expand it to quadruple its present size , but even now it 's worth the trip . I had planned this whole visit around the fact that there is a Joe 's Kansas City Barbecue in Olathe , and imagine my surprise when we found it only two or three blocks west of the Automotive Museum ! By chance there was a Baskin / Robbins in the same little shopping mall as Joe 's , so we had dessert too . With our bellies full , we went to the Mehaffie Stagecoach Stop and Farm . We both like museums , and even though there weren 't a lot of activities going on that day , we enjoyed it and learned a lot . It was a day when we hardly missed the Little Princess at all , so the travel did us good . The next day , Friday , we went to visit the Amish community at Jamesport . I love visiting the little Amish stores , finding things you never see in Walmart . I guess I must have thought of the toddler at least once , because I purchased a book for her at one store . I always buy some orange slice candy at Jamesport , not only because I like it , but because it reminds me of the fact that my dad liked it when I was a kid . . . at that time I really wasn 't so crazy about it . Then I saw the lemon drops , which took me back to childhood visits to my mom 's sister 's house : Her husband , my Uncle Lloyd , had a sweet tooth ; Aunt Ruby always had lemon drop candy in a jar for him . When I was there , the candy was depleted quite a bit , because I kept after it all day long . By the time I left Aunt Ruby 's , the roof of my mouth was sore from the coarse sugar coating on the outside of the candies . I 'm sure I had seen a heat diffuser before at some time in my life ; it looked very familiar to me when I picked it up in a tiny Amish market . But I had never personally used one . Supposedly if you set it on a burner under a pan , it will keep puddings and such from sticking to the bottom of the pan , and also prevent boilovers . It was cheap , so I bought one . I 'm using it this morning for the first time , and I will tell you that it doesn 't entirely prevent boilovers , because I put it under a pan of kidney beans I 'm cooking to use in chili and had to cock the lid to prevent them boiling over . Maybe it will do better with the pan - sticking problem . * Added later : Yes , the beans did boil over at first , then stopped . I left the diffuser beneath the pan for an hour or so , then removed it , and the beans immediately started boiling over again , even though the burner was on low . So I take it back ! The diffuser works for MOST boilovers . " Now here 's what you do , " I told her . " You make some biscuits . You put equal amounts of butter and sorghum on your plate , and you mix it all together with your fork . . . " So we had run around for the better part of two days straight . On the way home I told Cliff , " OK , I 'm ready to stay home for a couple of days now . I 've had my dose of travel . " Yep . Three straight days of fun ! And in the middle of all that , I sold Penny - the - Jersey - cow . But that 's another blog entry . One thing my readers need to know about me is that I tend to get depressed when signs of autumn arrive ; and then I often withdraw into my shell , where I have been known to stay until Spring shows her lovely face . That doesn 't bode well for the life of my blog , at a time in my life when I 've almost stopped blogging anyhow . Facebook has taken its toll on many of the blogs I used to read as well as mine . It 's so easy to just spill one 's guts and share pictures instantly on Facebook , while a decent blog entry is liable to consume an hour of time . I 'm pretty sure if it weren 't for Facebook , I 'd still be making several entries a week on my blog . However , I refuse to call it quits here . The child we babysit keeps us occupied and happy , and I suppose has also been a distraction from blogging . She turned two in August ; every day she is more fun than the day before . She 's talking ; she 's potty - trained ; she is still as loving as ever , giving " I - love - you 's " and big hugs often . She has been the light of our lives for the time we 've had her . She 's in currently in Iowa with her grandparents , and for some reason , knowing we are without her for two weeks , we have both been rather downhearted . As I told Cliff , this is probably good for us , because we need a reminder that the child is only loaned to us ; the time will come , whether next month , next year , or later , that she won 't need us as babysitters . She isn 't ours to keep . Last weekend there was a wedding here on the property , which was a fun time for all . The oldest grandson , now the owner of this property on which we live , got married . I have always hated weddings , but this one was all right in my book . It was casual , for one thing ; I hate dressing up . And the wedding came to me , so I didn 't have to leave home to attend ! I am sharing three pictures to illustrate just how unique the ceremony was : Well , I 'm a pathetic gardener now . I planted a short row of lettuce , and one of spinach , early in the season . I went out to harv . . . |
Sister Warner sent me to Massey 's Employment Agency in Baker Street , London , to apply for a live - in cook / housekeeper position so that I can have Marie with me . The reception room was very big with four cubicles down one side of the room . Two of the cubicles had a curtain drawn across them for privacy and in the other two there was a small table and two chairs . There were three well dressed women waiting and behind a big desk was a middle aged woman with glasses that sat on the end of her nose . Her grey hair was plaited into two pigtails , each one pinned either side of her head . She looked very stern , but , when I went up to her she smiled at me . I told her my name and that I wanted a job as a cook , although I couldn 't cook , but was willing learn . She told me to go and wait in one of the cubicles and draw the curtain . I sat there for a few minutes on my own and then a tall , slender , elegant lady came into the cubicle and sat down opposite me . She said her name was Mrs Hurt and she had a big house in Billericay in Essex . She had two sons Michael and Edward , who were away in the Navy and she needed someone to help keep her house orderly and cook for her , her husband , who was retired , and her daughter - in - law . She said she has a cook at the moment , Mrs Attwood , who has worked for Mrs Hurt over 30 years , but she is old now and wants to retire . Mrs Hurt asked me to tell her something about myself . I told her my name , but said everyone calls me Carmen . I don 't know why I said that really , because it 's not true . I 've never liked the name Olga and Carmen sounds so much prettier . I told her I had a baby daughter and I wanted a job where she could come with me . I said I hadn 't a husband and , I waited for her to ask questions why , but she didn 't . So I continued explaining that I wanted a job in a private house as a cook , although I couldn 't cook , but I was willing to learn . I thought it seemed a lot to ask . " I would love to " . Hendon House : A week later she picked me up from the nursery in her car and drove me and Marie down to Hendon House , her home in Billericay . It was a great big house and in the hall is a grandfather clock that chimes on the hour , every hour , and always makes me jump when I hear it . There is a wide spiral mahogany staircase with pictures hanging on dark rich wood panelling , Rembrandt and Reynolds type paintings of the Hurts ' ancestors , their eyes following you as you climb the stairs . Marie and I have the west wing all to ourselves , which sounds very grand I know , but really it is just a bedroom and our very own sitting room and bathroom . How wonderful ! My very own bathroom . Mrs Attwood and her husband have their own little cottage in the village . Of course , I knew with the war going on it was hard for people like Mrs Hurt to find staff because women were being called up to work for the war effort but even so , I couldn 't believe how lucky I was to be offered this job and was determined to do my best . As soon as I had unpacked , I 'd handed our rations books to Mrs Hurt . There was no shortage of fresh vegetables there because they grew their own and had done for years . They also had orchards with apple , pear and plum trees and they kept chickens . On my first day Mrs Attwood showed me where the vegetable garden was and asked me to pull up some lettuces and then wash them . I returned flushed with success with two beautiful lettuces and went to the scullery to wash them thoroughly under running water . When I took them in to the kitchen Mrs Hurt was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and when Mrs Attwood saw the lettuce . She and Mrs Hurt thought it was hilarious and the pair of them couldn 't stop laughing . Every morning I have to make up a breakfast tray for Captain and Mrs Hurt and take it to their room . They are an elderly couple and are usually still in bed when I knock on the door . The pair of them look so sweet sitting up side by side in their bed . They talk to each other with great affection ; honestly they are lovely . I call them Derby and Joan to Mrs Attwood but not in front to their faces . Later on I have to tidy their bedroom and then tidy and dust the drawing room . Although the drawing room is big , it has a homely feel to it . There is a grand fireplace with a mantelpiece above and it has a beautiful marble clock on it . The sofas and armchairs are big and comfortable and the occasional tables on either side each have a bronze table lamp , as well as lots of photographs of the children . There 's a rosewood sideboard with a pair of matching vases and Mrs Attwood told me they are very rare and worth a lot of money . I wish she hadn 't told me that because now I dread dusting them in case I break them . On the walls are even more pictures of the Hurts ' ancestors . There 's a glass cabinet which has their porcelain tea service displayed in it . In the corner is a wind up gramophone and a big pile of records . It reminds me of the Nurses Home in St Giles because we had one in the sitting room . I try not to think about St Giles ; I get upset if I do . Miss Judith , is married to Michael , Captain and Mrs Hurt 's youngest son , and has two lovely boys , Patrick , who was nine and Nicholas , who was 10 . They are at boarding school in Windsor but home now for the school holidays . Patrick has taken a fancy to Marie and wherever he goes he takes her with him . Captain Hurt is very fond of Marie too . He came into the kitchen this morning and said " She 'll only bother you here , why don 't you let her help me pick some apples " . They have an apple orchard and grow coxes apples and they were the sweetest apples I 've ever tasted . When I went to fetch Marie the other day , she was wearing Captain Hurt 's hat and they were both walking together with their heads bowed and hands behind their backs . Oh God she looked so cute . < - Life in a Wartime Nursery : Wimbledon Life as a Servant - > The baby room is painted in pretty pale colours , yellow , pink and blue with pictures of bunny rabbits , kittens and puppies stuck on the walls . There are ten cots in a row , each one containing a precious baby , and now the sisters have put another cot at the end of the row , for Marie . Now all I have to do is look after all of them . Thank goodness the babies have a timetable . With one of the Sisters help , I bath the babies every other morning . I 'm only allowed to make up enough baby food for one feed at a time and although it 's against the rules , the only way I can feed so many babies who are crying for their milk at the same time , is to prop up a bottle in the first baby 's mouth and then move on to the next baby . After the babies have been fed I change their nappies and then it seems as if I have to start all over again . It 's an endless round of feeding , changing nappies and giving the babies a little cuddle . In the afternoon I put them either in a cot or , if the weather is good , in a pram outside . When it 's quiet , I have to write up the babies ' reports . It 's the noisiest place to work in because there is always two or three babies crying at once . But I don 't mind . I have Marie with me . She is beautiful and so good , she rarely cries . I try to be fair and not pay her more attention than the other babies . Thank God I 'm always busy I don 't have time to think about Mammie and home . I 'm so tired by the end of the day . Sister Pateman and Sister Warner are very , very kind to me . My good friend Moores wrote to me and told me she 's decided nursing is not for her so she 's going home to live with her parents . She wanted to come and see me before she left , but I wrote and told her I was too busy but I promised to keep in touch . It wasn 't that I didn 't want to see her , I did , but I just couldn 't bear saying goodbye to her . I 'm such a coward . Last night I sat on the stairs and in the distance I heard a doodlebug . It got louder and louder until it seemed like it was overhead when suddenly it stopped and there was silence . I counted to ten and waited for the explosion , but it landed in the distance . We were safe , but maybe somebody else wasn 't so lucky . Whenever the sirens went off we are supposed to take the babies downstairs into the basement but by the time we 've moved the cots down there , the all clear sounds and it 's all over . Wimbledon has been hit a few times during these raids but has not suffered as much as some other parts of London where the devastation has been huge . Even in the Blitz moral in the capital wasn 't as low as it is now . A few nights ago I heard a strange sound coming from one of the cots . As I went down the row checking each baby , I realised the sound was coming from the end cot where Marie was . The sound was her struggling to breathe . Sister Pateman examined her and said Marie was ill . She had pneumonia . She told me to go and look after the other babies and she and Sister Warner would see to her . They put her into one of the bathrooms , put on the electric fire , turned the hot water on and filled up the bath so the bathroom was full of steam . I was desperate to help my baby and told them that back home when I had scarlet fever , Mammie boiled some onions and put them in muslin cloth and tied them round my ankles , and that helped bring down my temperature . " Shall I boil some onions " ? I asked them . Then about every hour throughout the night they took turns watching over Marie , running the hot water so the level of steam remained high helping Marie to breathe . Any spare minute I could , I prayed to God not to take away from me the one thing that made the pain of what happened , the loss of my family and my loneliness bearable . Two days after Marie was taken ill Sister Warner took her out of the bathroom and put her back into the nursery . With the help of God and two wonderful women , Marie had fought for her little life and won . Marie is walking now and we have to leave here because she is disturbing the babies . The Sisters have asked me what I 'm going to do . I think I 'll get a job in a private house so Marie will be able to come with me . Marie : So many people were in the labour room of St Mary 's Hospital , Paddington , three medical students watching as part of their training , two nurses , Sister and a doctor . After eighteen painful hours it was it was nearly over . " One good heave now Olga . I can feel the head " the doctor said and then finally the baby slipped out . Before the mouth and nasal passages were cleared Sister had slapped the baby on its bottom and it cried immediately . Then it was weighed , washed and wrapped in a blanket and handed to me - I had a baby girl . I was frightened holding her because she was so small and I thought I would hurt her . " Babies are tough , Olga . Give your daughter a cuddle " Sister said kindly . I wish Mammie could see my tiny , perfect little daughter . I 've christened my daughter , Marie - Thérèse , after my favourite nun at Alpha Academy and I 've had to register her birth . When the Registrar asked me the father 's name , I just shook my head . I felt ashamed , but he was a kind man and patted my hand and gave me a little smile , but his act of kindness made me cry . I have no idea how I am going to look after my baby . I have no home , no money and no job . Then the problem was solved for me . Miss Franks came to me and said that because of my circumstances , my baby would be taken from me and put in an orphanage to give me time to think about whether placing Marie for adoption was best for her . She also told me that Matron from St Giles had said I could work at the hospital , as a maid , for a short time , which would give me some money , and I could stay in the refuge for a while until I came to some kind of decision about Marie . I 've asked Miss Franks if she could arrange for Marie to be baptized at St James 's Roman Catholic Church in Spanish Place and Moores said she would be Marie 's godmother . Immediately after Marie was baptized I handed her over to a complete stranger to be taken to an orphanage in a place I 'd never heard of , Gloucester . If Moores hadn 't been with me I think I would have ended my life then . " In Jamaica we have Obeah men who can work evil against people who hurt you , you know , Moores . They can make bad things happen to that person . I only have to ask someone back home and it will be done . " " That 's voodoo , Olga " " Maybe it is , but I want to hurt him for what he did to me " . " Would it help if I pop into John Lewis and bought a little doll and some pins , then you can pretend the doll is John Edward and stick the pins in it . " Miss Franks wanted to see me . She showed me an advert from a newspaper . A toddler and baby nursery in Wimbledon wants help in its nursery and she thinks that with my nursing training I should apply for the job particularly as no school leaving certificate is asked for . It is a private nursery in a very big posh house at the end of a long drive in Victoria Drive , I was interviewed by the two trained nurses who ran it called Sister Warner and Sister Pateman . The Sisters told me that the mothers of the babies at the nursery are in the navy or army and when they have finished their tour of duty , or the war is over , they will take their babies back again . I explained I had a little baby , Marie , and they said yes your little baby can come along . Then they took me round the building and explained how the baby nursery takes babies from six months up to two years old . The baby room is on the top floor of the house and there is a play room next to it which is full of soft and wooden toys made by the local people living in the area and my bedroom is on the same floor . Then they showed me around the toddler nursery which takes day children from two to five years of age . The children are able to come to the nursery any time after 7 . 30 in the morning and have to be picked up by 6 in the evening . The nursery is on the first floor and also has a playroom as well as a sleeping room for the children to rest in during the day . Each toddler has their own overall , towel and flannel , which is kept on their own peg . Sister Pateman and Sister Warner 's bedrooms are on that floor . On the ground floor are two bathrooms each with electric fires over the bath and the staff dining room . Next to the air raid shelter in the basement is the laundry room where there is a big sink with a wringer . Each baby has its own cot and bedding and every day nappies have to be boiled as well as washing the cot sheets and towels . When I saw the amount of washing that had to be done I thought I can 't do this job , I won 't cope , but Sister must have seen my face , because she said I would not be doing the washing . A local girl comes in each day and does it and another woman comes in two afternoons a week to do the ironing . " They were desperate for some help and you were a godsend to them Olga " , Miss Franks said later . " Here " , she said , " they will treat you well and take care of you until you have your baby " . My room is cold and bare , with an iron bed , a table , a chest of drawers , a large white enamel jug and bowl . On the wall is a big crucifix of Jesus on the cross . I like the cross being there . It makes me feel I 'm not so alone . There are eight other women here , all waiting to have their babies . I spend my days cleaning the refuge or peeling vegetables in the kitchen . When I 'm not working I stay in my room and say my rosary . We are forbidden to speak to each other during the day but can talk for one hour in the evening after prayers . But I don 't want to talk to anyone . I feel ashamed . I keep myself to myself . Why do I dream of the things I can 't have . Last night it was Cissie 's wedding . I saw everything so clearly . Father Baker performed her wedding ceremony at the Holy Trinity Cathedral and there were flowers everywhere . Cissie walked down the aisle on Sydney 's arm to the music of the wedding hymn , looking beautiful in a simple white silk dress with a long tulle veil and a spray of orange blossom in her hair . The tots and I were the bridesmaids and we wore pale blue dresses with broad hats trimmed with blue lace and chiffon . Over sixty people attended the service , as well as Dyke 's family and friends and including three of Cissie and Dyke 's children . After the ceremony everyone went back to Mission House . In the back garden Mammie had arranged for a large booth made of bamboo and coconut leaves to be built and decorated with lignum vitae and pink bougainvillea . This was where all the wedding presents were put before they were unwrapped . There was a table in the garden covered with a white linen table cloth and on it stood the wedding cake with a net over it and pinned in several places . After the bride , the wedding cake was the centre of interest and the guests had to bid money to uncover the cake . They would try and outbid each other and by the time the cake was uncovered Cissie and Dyke would have several pounds , as well as lots of lovely presents . It was such a happy , noisy day with so much laughter . I thought about Michael Sales and the pretty earrings he gave me at my leaving party in Kingston and how he said he 'd wait for me to return so I could be his girlfriend . But not now … not me Michael . I hope you find someone nice . Matron called me to her office . I 'm not surprised . I know my work has not been good lately . I was hoping she would tell me I could go home . Dr Randall , who carries out some of the three monthly student medical examinations , was sitting behind Matron 's desk . He spoke first . " I 'm sorry to have to tell you Nurse , you are pregnant and I 'm sorry but you 'll have to leave St Giles " . The room started spinning and I don 't remember what happened next , except I was sitting down and Matron was giving me sips of water from a glass . I was in shock . I couldn 't believe what Dr Randall had said . Neither of them asked me any questions , which was just as well because I didn 't have any answers . " I don 't know how I got pregnant " I told them and I started crying . Matron was very , very kind and said Later Moores came to my room and asked me what had happened , so I told her what Dr Randall said . She asked me who the father was and I said " I don 't know " . But she didn 't believe me , " You must know who made you pregnant Olga , after all you it 's not like you know a lot of men . What man have you been with ? " And then it began to dawn on me that maybe it had been John Edward . I had never mentioned to anyone what happened that day in the pub , even when I saw Moores the next day I didn 't tell her . But now I told her everything . By the time I 'd finished , she was crying and hugging me tight . " Oh , Olga , I 'm so sorry . I let you down . It would never have happened if I 'd been there . " Still holding me she asked hadn 't I realised afterwards that I might be pregnant . I told her " No . Mammie brought us up very strictly at home and we never talked about things like that , so I had no idea how babies were made . When my sister Chickie was pregnant we were never allowed to discuss why she was getting bigger and bigger . We knew she was going to have a baby but Mammie never told us how babies were made . We were always told that babies were sent by God and delivered to the mother . That was the sort of upbringing we had " . " Oh Olga " , Moores said , " and you a nurse . Never mind , my family know a doctor who will get rid of it for you . It won 't help you get your job back but at least you won 't be burdened with a baby and can go back to Jamaica and your family won 't know anything about it . " I knew Moores meant well , but I was horrified by her suggestion . When I went to bed I thought about my family . There had been so much gossip about us over the years , so many scandals and I didn 't want to be another one . When I thought of Mammie I ached to put my head on her lap , just once more , and feel her hand stroking my head like she did when I didn 't feel well . I don 't feel well now Mammie . Catholic Refuge for Friendless Girls , Barclay Road , Fulham , London Subject : Miss Olga Josephine Browney Olga Browney was referred to the home by Miss Mary Norton , Matron , St Giles Hospital , Camberwell . Throughout the interview Miss Browney sat on the edge of her chair with her head bowed . I told her that the first thing we had to do was to complete a registration form for her and she would have to tell me something about herself . As she answered my questions her voice trembled and her hands shook and when she mentioned her mother she started to cry . Miss Browney has made it clear she does not wish her mother , or any member of her family , to be informed about her situation . She says she does not want to hurt them . We then moved on to the father of the child . At this point she refused to talk about him and no amount of encouragement on my part would make her . I decided not to press the matter . I then asked her what plans she had for supporting the baby once it was born . When I explained that she could put the baby up for adoption , for the first time in the interview Miss B raised her head and said she would keep the baby . As gently as I could I explained to her that she may have no choice in the matter especially since she was not prepared to take the baby home to her family in Jamaica . I asked Miss B , how , if she kept the baby and stayed in England , she planned to manage , support and care for herself and the child . Miss B said she would find a job and work . It is quite obvious that Miss B feels she has brought shame on her family by her predicament , but I am concerned about her decision not to return home and have tried to persuade her to change her mind . I am at a loss to understand why the fear of confronting her family with an illegitimate child is greater than choosing to remain in a country at war , without the support of friends or family and treats unmarried mothers with contempt , not to mention the problem that her colour may bring . Fortunately , there is time to persuade Miss B to place the child for adoption . Olga 's Diary ( Continued ) Dear Diary What did I do wrong : The water in my bath was so hot the bathroom was thick with steam , burning my skin and I could barely see the bath taps . But I didn 't want to cool it down , I wanted it as hot as I could bear it . Earlier Moores had said she 'd meet me at the pub , but wasn 't there when I arrived . So , I got my ginger beer from the barman and sat down . The pub was busy and noisy and though I 'd been there a few times before , this was the first time on my own . From where I was sitting I could see John Edward in the other bar with a group of friends . Before the war he was a senior doctor in St Mary 's Hospital in Paddington and very well respected . Now he was working as a doctor in the army based somewhere near London . He 's very popular and everyone knows who he is . He has a reputation for being a bit of a ladies man . Moores would often tease me about him saying I had a crush on him and , it was true , I did like him a lot , but he 'd never even noticed me . I 'd been sitting there for half an hour and Moores still hadn 't turned up so I decided to get one more drink . I decided I 'd go back to the Nurses ' Home if she hadn 't arrived by the time I 'd finished it . I felt a twinge of disappointment when I went up to buy my ginger beer because I couldn 't see John in the other bar . I sat down and the next thing I knew he was sitting opposite me . He smiled at me but I was overcome with shyness . " Olga , isn 't it ? " he said loudly so I could hear above the noise . Goodness , I thought , he knows my name . " Yes , it is " . I was getting a really good look at him now . I 'd never seen anyone so handsome , except , of course , film stars , but most of them were dark haired . John was slim and fair - haired and he had such a lovely smile . By now I was hoping Moores wasn 't coming because I wanted John all to myself . He told me he had three days leave before he had to report back to the army . I could see some of the other girls in the bar looking at us , a bit jealous I thought , an < - Bad News Refuge for Friendless Girls - > Olga 's Diary ( Continued ) Dear Diary Oh , damn and blast , I failed my first year preliminary exam . Knew I would . There was so much I didn 't understand , but , Sister Tutor says I can sit the exam again , but if I fail the second time , that 's it , finished . Goodbye Olga . Moores failed too , but she doesn 't care as much as I do . Watch out , men about : After a nursing lecture by Sister Tutor , she kept us all behind to give us another one about soldiers and men in uniform . " A lot of women are being assaulted and worse , by airmen and soldiers from overseas " she told us . " Care should be taken at all times because , these men have thrown away all sense of propriety because they are away from their home , in a country where no - one knows them and are taking advantage of women and the blackout , to behave how they like without fear of retribution " " But to give the impression that all airmen and soldiers from overseas do bad things and take advantage of women is wrong " . Moores was really quite angry with Sister Tutor . After the lecture Ethel and I were on night duty together on the men 's surgical ward and she asked me if I 'd heard about Sara Donahue . " Yes , isn 't it sad . When is she coming back ? " I asked Ethel . Sara is in our group but she had to leave suddenly and go home because a close relative died . " It 's not true about the relative dying , Olga . She left because she failed her three monthly medical . We think she had gonorrhoea " . " Couldn 't put it better myself " said Ethel . I didn 't know what a sexually transmitted disease was , but I wasn 't going to ask because I had a feeling I would look stupid . After all I am a nurse . When we 're on night duty and the air raids sound , we have to pull all the beds into the centre of the ward and put each patient 's gas mask on their bed . We 've been issued with helmets which have to be worn when the bombs start dropping . The first time I put mine on I thought , thank God , the tots can 't see me . They 'd never stop laughing , as a matter of fact neither could I . It was so big I had to keep pushing it back so I could see where I was going . I looked ridiculous in it . Ethel and I were sitting at the big table in the middle of the ward writing up our reports and whenever we leaned forward to say something to each other , our helmets would bang together . After a couple of times we started to laugh and then when we laughing so much we leaned back in our chairs and our helmets fell off crashing to the floor and made a terrible din and woke all the patients up . There 's still a routine on night duty , but it 's not so hectic . By nine thirty the bed quilts must be folded in four and placed at the foot of the bed , thermometers in mugs , equipment trays fully laid up , false teeth deposited in mugs on lockers and all lights turned off except the green shaded one on the table in the middle of the ward . While some men snore , others light up cigarettes , not taking the slightest notice of us when we tell them they are not allowed to smoke in bed . But we do have time to write up our lecture notes and revise . By the end of night duty , when I get to my room I 'm too tired to undress and fall asleep across my bed clutching my books . Horrible news : There 's a wireless in the student nurses ' sitting room where we all gather round and listen to the news to hear how the war is going . Before the war it was a games room but there doesn 't seem to be time to play games now , although we do sometimes play music on the gramophone . I was listening to the radio when Moores came in . Before she had said a word I could see by her face that something was wrong . But I wasn 't prepared for what she told me . As she sat down beside me she took my hand . " Olga , Joanne is dead . The rest centre in Morley College was bombed last Tuesday evening and it seems that Joanne was visiting someone there . Some people were rescued but most of them , including Joanne , were trapped inside . By the time they pulled her out , she was dead . " " Joanne 's dead " . Alone in my room , I kept repeating the phrase " Joanne is dead " as if it would help me take in the terrible news . The thought that I would never see Joanne 's face again gave me the most awful feeling I have ever had , worse than all the bombings and scares that I had experienced these last few months . My world has changed . I feel helpless - as if an invisible wall that once surrounded and supported me has gone and without it I feel disconnected from everyone and everything around me , tiny and insignificant . I 'm so lonely . Next day : I went mechanically through my duties until the last one when I was removing the flowers and potted plants from the ward and putting them in the bathroom for the night . I remembered Joanne telling me how she loved doing this job at Paddington General because it turned the bathroom into an exotic florist , rich with perfume and vibrant colour . " For a few minutes Olga , " she said " I 'm back home in Jamaica " . That night I cried bitterly for the loss of the best friend I 've ever had . These days I spend most nights listening to the wireless for news of the war in Europe . It is so frustrating that I know more about what is going on there than how my daughter and sister are managing in London . It is months since I have heard from either of them and I feel helpless because there is nothing to do except pray . We now know Germany is bombing London relentlessly and the loss of life and injuries , as well as the devastation to the city , is enormous . I read in the Gleaner of how people have to go to use the underground tube stations to shelter from the bombs . They often sleep there all night and then have go off to work the next morning trying to avoid unexploded bombs or fractured gas mains . How dangerous it all sounds . Why I Wrote " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " In 1994 , my mother , Carmen Browne , was admitted to the Royal Sussex County Hospital , Brighton in the UK seriously ill . As she slowly recovered I realized that had she died so too would the chance of my finding out about her past , her family in Jamaica and , of particular importance to me , who my father was information she had consistently refused to share with me . So I decided to find out for myself . My first discovery was that my mother 's real name was Olga Browney , born and raised in Kingston , Jamaica and one of eleven children from a close - knit , coloured Catholic family . A kind , naïve and gentle girl , my mother arrived in London in 1939 and lived with a malevolent , alcoholic aunt , intending to stay for only six months . However , world events , personal tragedy and malicious intent all combined to prevent her from returning home to Kingston . " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " is based on a true story about cruelty , revenge and jealousy inflicted on an innocent young woman and about moral courage , dignity , resilience and , in particular , love . It is the story of a remarkable woman , who because of circumstances , made a choice , which resulted in her losing contact with her beloved family in Jamaica , until nearly half a century later , when her past caught up her . What I discovered about my mother filled me with such admiration for her that I wanted her story recorded for future generations of my family to read so that they would know about this remarkable woman whose greatest gift to me was her unconditional love . That 's why I wrote " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " . Subscribe to Olga 's Daughter by Email |
Sister Warner sent me to Massey 's Employment Agency in Baker Street , London , to apply for a live - in cook / housekeeper position so that I can have Marie with me . The reception room was very big with four cubicles down one side of the room . Two of the cubicles had a curtain drawn across them for privacy and in the other two there was a small table and two chairs . There were three well dressed women waiting and behind a big desk was a middle aged woman with glasses that sat on the end of her nose . Her grey hair was plaited into two pigtails , each one pinned either side of her head . She looked very stern , but , when I went up to her she smiled at me . I told her my name and that I wanted a job as a cook , although I couldn 't cook , but was willing learn . She told me to go and wait in one of the cubicles and draw the curtain . I sat there for a few minutes on my own and then a tall , slender , elegant lady came into the cubicle and sat down opposite me . She said her name was Mrs Hurt and she had a big house in Billericay in Essex . She had two sons Michael and Edward , who were away in the Navy and she needed someone to help keep her house orderly and cook for her , her husband , who was retired , and her daughter - in - law . She said she has a cook at the moment , Mrs Attwood , who has worked for Mrs Hurt over 30 years , but she is old now and wants to retire . Mrs Hurt asked me to tell her something about myself . I told her my name , but said everyone calls me Carmen . I don 't know why I said that really , because it 's not true . I 've never liked the name Olga and Carmen sounds so much prettier . I told her I had a baby daughter and I wanted a job where she could come with me . I said I hadn 't a husband and , I waited for her to ask questions why , but she didn 't . So I continued explaining that I wanted a job in a private house as a cook , although I couldn 't cook , but I was willing to learn . I thought it seemed a lot to ask . " I would love to " . Hendon House : A week later she picked me up from the nursery in her car and drove me and Marie down to Hendon House , her home in Billericay . It was a great big house and in the hall is a grandfather clock that chimes on the hour , every hour , and always makes me jump when I hear it . There is a wide spiral mahogany staircase with pictures hanging on dark rich wood panelling , Rembrandt and Reynolds type paintings of the Hurts ' ancestors , their eyes following you as you climb the stairs . Marie and I have the west wing all to ourselves , which sounds very grand I know , but really it is just a bedroom and our very own sitting room and bathroom . How wonderful ! My very own bathroom . Mrs Attwood and her husband have their own little cottage in the village . Of course , I knew with the war going on it was hard for people like Mrs Hurt to find staff because women were being called up to work for the war effort but even so , I couldn 't believe how lucky I was to be offered this job and was determined to do my best . As soon as I had unpacked , I 'd handed our rations books to Mrs Hurt . There was no shortage of fresh vegetables there because they grew their own and had done for years . They also had orchards with apple , pear and plum trees and they kept chickens . On my first day Mrs Attwood showed me where the vegetable garden was and asked me to pull up some lettuces and then wash them . I returned flushed with success with two beautiful lettuces and went to the scullery to wash them thoroughly under running water . When I took them in to the kitchen Mrs Hurt was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and when Mrs Attwood saw the lettuce . She and Mrs Hurt thought it was hilarious and the pair of them couldn 't stop laughing . Every morning I have to make up a breakfast tray for Captain and Mrs Hurt and take it to their room . They are an elderly couple and are usually still in bed when I knock on the door . The pair of them look so sweet sitting up side by side in their bed . They talk to each other with great affection ; honestly they are lovely . I call them Derby and Joan to Mrs Attwood but not in front to their faces . Later on I have to tidy their bedroom and then tidy and dust the drawing room . Although the drawing room is big , it has a homely feel to it . There is a grand fireplace with a mantelpiece above and it has a beautiful marble clock on it . The sofas and armchairs are big and comfortable and the occasional tables on either side each have a bronze table lamp , as well as lots of photographs of the children . There 's a rosewood sideboard with a pair of matching vases and Mrs Attwood told me they are very rare and worth a lot of money . I wish she hadn 't told me that because now I dread dusting them in case I break them . On the walls are even more pictures of the Hurts ' ancestors . There 's a glass cabinet which has their porcelain tea service displayed in it . In the corner is a wind up gramophone and a big pile of records . It reminds me of the Nurses Home in St Giles because we had one in the sitting room . I try not to think about St Giles ; I get upset if I do . Miss Judith , is married to Michael , Captain and Mrs Hurt 's youngest son , and has two lovely boys , Patrick , who was nine and Nicholas , who was 10 . They are at boarding school in Windsor but home now for the school holidays . Patrick has taken a fancy to Marie and wherever he goes he takes her with him . Captain Hurt is very fond of Marie too . He came into the kitchen this morning and said " She 'll only bother you here , why don 't you let her help me pick some apples " . They have an apple orchard and grow coxes apples and they were the sweetest apples I 've ever tasted . When I went to fetch Marie the other day , she was wearing Captain Hurt 's hat and they were both walking together with their heads bowed and hands behind their backs . Oh God she looked so cute . < - Life in a Wartime Nursery : Wimbledon Life as a Servant - > The baby room is painted in pretty pale colours , yellow , pink and blue with pictures of bunny rabbits , kittens and puppies stuck on the walls . There are ten cots in a row , each one containing a precious baby , and now the sisters have put another cot at the end of the row , for Marie . Now all I have to do is look after all of them . Thank goodness the babies have a timetable . With one of the Sisters help , I bath the babies every other morning . I 'm only allowed to make up enough baby food for one feed at a time and although it 's against the rules , the only way I can feed so many babies who are crying for their milk at the same time , is to prop up a bottle in the first baby 's mouth and then move on to the next baby . After the babies have been fed I change their nappies and then it seems as if I have to start all over again . It 's an endless round of feeding , changing nappies and giving the babies a little cuddle . In the afternoon I put them either in a cot or , if the weather is good , in a pram outside . When it 's quiet , I have to write up the babies ' reports . It 's the noisiest place to work in because there is always two or three babies crying at once . But I don 't mind . I have Marie with me . She is beautiful and so good , she rarely cries . I try to be fair and not pay her more attention than the other babies . Thank God I 'm always busy I don 't have time to think about Mammie and home . I 'm so tired by the end of the day . Sister Pateman and Sister Warner are very , very kind to me . My good friend Moores wrote to me and told me she 's decided nursing is not for her so she 's going home to live with her parents . She wanted to come and see me before she left , but I wrote and told her I was too busy but I promised to keep in touch . It wasn 't that I didn 't want to see her , I did , but I just couldn 't bear saying goodbye to her . I 'm such a coward . Last night I sat on the stairs and in the distance I heard a doodlebug . It got louder and louder until it seemed like it was overhead when suddenly it stopped and there was silence . I counted to ten and waited for the explosion , but it landed in the distance . We were safe , but maybe somebody else wasn 't so lucky . Whenever the sirens went off we are supposed to take the babies downstairs into the basement but by the time we 've moved the cots down there , the all clear sounds and it 's all over . Wimbledon has been hit a few times during these raids but has not suffered as much as some other parts of London where the devastation has been huge . Even in the Blitz moral in the capital wasn 't as low as it is now . A few nights ago I heard a strange sound coming from one of the cots . As I went down the row checking each baby , I realised the sound was coming from the end cot where Marie was . The sound was her struggling to breathe . Sister Pateman examined her and said Marie was ill . She had pneumonia . She told me to go and look after the other babies and she and Sister Warner would see to her . They put her into one of the bathrooms , put on the electric fire , turned the hot water on and filled up the bath so the bathroom was full of steam . I was desperate to help my baby and told them that back home when I had scarlet fever , Mammie boiled some onions and put them in muslin cloth and tied them round my ankles , and that helped bring down my temperature . " Shall I boil some onions " ? I asked them . Then about every hour throughout the night they took turns watching over Marie , running the hot water so the level of steam remained high helping Marie to breathe . Any spare minute I could , I prayed to God not to take away from me the one thing that made the pain of what happened , the loss of my family and my loneliness bearable . Two days after Marie was taken ill Sister Warner took her out of the bathroom and put her back into the nursery . With the help of God and two wonderful women , Marie had fought for her little life and won . Marie is walking now and we have to leave here because she is disturbing the babies . The Sisters have asked me what I 'm going to do . I think I 'll get a job in a private house so Marie will be able to come with me . Marie : So many people were in the labour room of St Mary 's Hospital , Paddington , three medical students watching as part of their training , two nurses , Sister and a doctor . After eighteen painful hours it was it was nearly over . " One good heave now Olga . I can feel the head " the doctor said and then finally the baby slipped out . Before the mouth and nasal passages were cleared Sister had slapped the baby on its bottom and it cried immediately . Then it was weighed , washed and wrapped in a blanket and handed to me - I had a baby girl . I was frightened holding her because she was so small and I thought I would hurt her . " Babies are tough , Olga . Give your daughter a cuddle " Sister said kindly . I wish Mammie could see my tiny , perfect little daughter . I 've christened my daughter , Marie - Thérèse , after my favourite nun at Alpha Academy and I 've had to register her birth . When the Registrar asked me the father 's name , I just shook my head . I felt ashamed , but he was a kind man and patted my hand and gave me a little smile , but his act of kindness made me cry . I have no idea how I am going to look after my baby . I have no home , no money and no job . Then the problem was solved for me . Miss Franks came to me and said that because of my circumstances , my baby would be taken from me and put in an orphanage to give me time to think about whether placing Marie for adoption was best for her . She also told me that Matron from St Giles had said I could work at the hospital , as a maid , for a short time , which would give me some money , and I could stay in the refuge for a while until I came to some kind of decision about Marie . I 've asked Miss Franks if she could arrange for Marie to be baptized at St James 's Roman Catholic Church in Spanish Place and Moores said she would be Marie 's godmother . Immediately after Marie was baptized I handed her over to a complete stranger to be taken to an orphanage in a place I 'd never heard of , Gloucester . If Moores hadn 't been with me I think I would have ended my life then . " In Jamaica we have Obeah men who can work evil against people who hurt you , you know , Moores . They can make bad things happen to that person . I only have to ask someone back home and it will be done . " " That 's voodoo , Olga " " Maybe it is , but I want to hurt him for what he did to me " . " Would it help if I pop into John Lewis and bought a little doll and some pins , then you can pretend the doll is John Edward and stick the pins in it . " Miss Franks wanted to see me . She showed me an advert from a newspaper . A toddler and baby nursery in Wimbledon wants help in its nursery and she thinks that with my nursing training I should apply for the job particularly as no school leaving certificate is asked for . It is a private nursery in a very big posh house at the end of a long drive in Victoria Drive , I was interviewed by the two trained nurses who ran it called Sister Warner and Sister Pateman . The Sisters told me that the mothers of the babies at the nursery are in the navy or army and when they have finished their tour of duty , or the war is over , they will take their babies back again . I explained I had a little baby , Marie , and they said yes your little baby can come along . Then they took me round the building and explained how the baby nursery takes babies from six months up to two years old . The baby room is on the top floor of the house and there is a play room next to it which is full of soft and wooden toys made by the local people living in the area and my bedroom is on the same floor . Then they showed me around the toddler nursery which takes day children from two to five years of age . The children are able to come to the nursery any time after 7 . 30 in the morning and have to be picked up by 6 in the evening . The nursery is on the first floor and also has a playroom as well as a sleeping room for the children to rest in during the day . Each toddler has their own overall , towel and flannel , which is kept on their own peg . Sister Pateman and Sister Warner 's bedrooms are on that floor . On the ground floor are two bathrooms each with electric fires over the bath and the staff dining room . Next to the air raid shelter in the basement is the laundry room where there is a big sink with a wringer . Each baby has its own cot and bedding and every day nappies have to be boiled as well as washing the cot sheets and towels . When I saw the amount of washing that had to be done I thought I can 't do this job , I won 't cope , but Sister must have seen my face , because she said I would not be doing the washing . A local girl comes in each day and does it and another woman comes in two afternoons a week to do the ironing . " They were desperate for some help and you were a godsend to them Olga " , Miss Franks said later . " Here " , she said , " they will treat you well and take care of you until you have your baby " . My room is cold and bare , with an iron bed , a table , a chest of drawers , a large white enamel jug and bowl . On the wall is a big crucifix of Jesus on the cross . I like the cross being there . It makes me feel I 'm not so alone . There are eight other women here , all waiting to have their babies . I spend my days cleaning the refuge or peeling vegetables in the kitchen . When I 'm not working I stay in my room and say my rosary . We are forbidden to speak to each other during the day but can talk for one hour in the evening after prayers . But I don 't want to talk to anyone . I feel ashamed . I keep myself to myself . Why do I dream of the things I can 't have . Last night it was Cissie 's wedding . I saw everything so clearly . Father Baker performed her wedding ceremony at the Holy Trinity Cathedral and there were flowers everywhere . Cissie walked down the aisle on Sydney 's arm to the music of the wedding hymn , looking beautiful in a simple white silk dress with a long tulle veil and a spray of orange blossom in her hair . The tots and I were the bridesmaids and we wore pale blue dresses with broad hats trimmed with blue lace and chiffon . Over sixty people attended the service , as well as Dyke 's family and friends and including three of Cissie and Dyke 's children . After the ceremony everyone went back to Mission House . In the back garden Mammie had arranged for a large booth made of bamboo and coconut leaves to be built and decorated with lignum vitae and pink bougainvillea . This was where all the wedding presents were put before they were unwrapped . There was a table in the garden covered with a white linen table cloth and on it stood the wedding cake with a net over it and pinned in several places . After the bride , the wedding cake was the centre of interest and the guests had to bid money to uncover the cake . They would try and outbid each other and by the time the cake was uncovered Cissie and Dyke would have several pounds , as well as lots of lovely presents . It was such a happy , noisy day with so much laughter . I thought about Michael Sales and the pretty earrings he gave me at my leaving party in Kingston and how he said he 'd wait for me to return so I could be his girlfriend . But not now … not me Michael . I hope you find someone nice . Matron called me to her office . I 'm not surprised . I know my work has not been good lately . I was hoping she would tell me I could go home . Dr Randall , who carries out some of the three monthly student medical examinations , was sitting behind Matron 's desk . He spoke first . " I 'm sorry to have to tell you Nurse , you are pregnant and I 'm sorry but you 'll have to leave St Giles " . The room started spinning and I don 't remember what happened next , except I was sitting down and Matron was giving me sips of water from a glass . I was in shock . I couldn 't believe what Dr Randall had said . Neither of them asked me any questions , which was just as well because I didn 't have any answers . " I don 't know how I got pregnant " I told them and I started crying . Matron was very , very kind and said Later Moores came to my room and asked me what had happened , so I told her what Dr Randall said . She asked me who the father was and I said " I don 't know " . But she didn 't believe me , " You must know who made you pregnant Olga , after all you it 's not like you know a lot of men . What man have you been with ? " And then it began to dawn on me that maybe it had been John Edward . I had never mentioned to anyone what happened that day in the pub , even when I saw Moores the next day I didn 't tell her . But now I told her everything . By the time I 'd finished , she was crying and hugging me tight . " Oh , Olga , I 'm so sorry . I let you down . It would never have happened if I 'd been there . " Still holding me she asked hadn 't I realised afterwards that I might be pregnant . I told her " No . Mammie brought us up very strictly at home and we never talked about things like that , so I had no idea how babies were made . When my sister Chickie was pregnant we were never allowed to discuss why she was getting bigger and bigger . We knew she was going to have a baby but Mammie never told us how babies were made . We were always told that babies were sent by God and delivered to the mother . That was the sort of upbringing we had " . " Oh Olga " , Moores said , " and you a nurse . Never mind , my family know a doctor who will get rid of it for you . It won 't help you get your job back but at least you won 't be burdened with a baby and can go back to Jamaica and your family won 't know anything about it . " I knew Moores meant well , but I was horrified by her suggestion . When I went to bed I thought about my family . There had been so much gossip about us over the years , so many scandals and I didn 't want to be another one . When I thought of Mammie I ached to put my head on her lap , just once more , and feel her hand stroking my head like she did when I didn 't feel well . I don 't feel well now Mammie . Catholic Refuge for Friendless Girls , Barclay Road , Fulham , London Subject : Miss Olga Josephine Browney Olga Browney was referred to the home by Miss Mary Norton , Matron , St Giles Hospital , Camberwell . Throughout the interview Miss Browney sat on the edge of her chair with her head bowed . I told her that the first thing we had to do was to complete a registration form for her and she would have to tell me something about herself . As she answered my questions her voice trembled and her hands shook and when she mentioned her mother she started to cry . Miss Browney has made it clear she does not wish her mother , or any member of her family , to be informed about her situation . She says she does not want to hurt them . We then moved on to the father of the child . At this point she refused to talk about him and no amount of encouragement on my part would make her . I decided not to press the matter . I then asked her what plans she had for supporting the baby once it was born . When I explained that she could put the baby up for adoption , for the first time in the interview Miss B raised her head and said she would keep the baby . As gently as I could I explained to her that she may have no choice in the matter especially since she was not prepared to take the baby home to her family in Jamaica . I asked Miss B , how , if she kept the baby and stayed in England , she planned to manage , support and care for herself and the child . Miss B said she would find a job and work . It is quite obvious that Miss B feels she has brought shame on her family by her predicament , but I am concerned about her decision not to return home and have tried to persuade her to change her mind . I am at a loss to understand why the fear of confronting her family with an illegitimate child is greater than choosing to remain in a country at war , without the support of friends or family and treats unmarried mothers with contempt , not to mention the problem that her colour may bring . Fortunately , there is time to persuade Miss B to place the child for adoption . Olga 's Diary ( Continued ) Dear Diary What did I do wrong : The water in my bath was so hot the bathroom was thick with steam , burning my skin and I could barely see the bath taps . But I didn 't want to cool it down , I wanted it as hot as I could bear it . Earlier Moores had said she 'd meet me at the pub , but wasn 't there when I arrived . So , I got my ginger beer from the barman and sat down . The pub was busy and noisy and though I 'd been there a few times before , this was the first time on my own . From where I was sitting I could see John Edward in the other bar with a group of friends . Before the war he was a senior doctor in St Mary 's Hospital in Paddington and very well respected . Now he was working as a doctor in the army based somewhere near London . He 's very popular and everyone knows who he is . He has a reputation for being a bit of a ladies man . Moores would often tease me about him saying I had a crush on him and , it was true , I did like him a lot , but he 'd never even noticed me . I 'd been sitting there for half an hour and Moores still hadn 't turned up so I decided to get one more drink . I decided I 'd go back to the Nurses ' Home if she hadn 't arrived by the time I 'd finished it . I felt a twinge of disappointment when I went up to buy my ginger beer because I couldn 't see John in the other bar . I sat down and the next thing I knew he was sitting opposite me . He smiled at me but I was overcome with shyness . " Olga , isn 't it ? " he said loudly so I could hear above the noise . Goodness , I thought , he knows my name . " Yes , it is " . I was getting a really good look at him now . I 'd never seen anyone so handsome , except , of course , film stars , but most of them were dark haired . John was slim and fair - haired and he had such a lovely smile . By now I was hoping Moores wasn 't coming because I wanted John all to myself . He told me he had three days leave before he had to report back to the army . I could see some of the other girls in the bar looking at us , a bit jealous I thought , an < - Bad News Refuge for Friendless Girls - > Olga 's Diary ( Continued ) Dear Diary Oh , damn and blast , I failed my first year preliminary exam . Knew I would . There was so much I didn 't understand , but , Sister Tutor says I can sit the exam again , but if I fail the second time , that 's it , finished . Goodbye Olga . Moores failed too , but she doesn 't care as much as I do . Watch out , men about : After a nursing lecture by Sister Tutor , she kept us all behind to give us another one about soldiers and men in uniform . " A lot of women are being assaulted and worse , by airmen and soldiers from overseas " she told us . " Care should be taken at all times because , these men have thrown away all sense of propriety because they are away from their home , in a country where no - one knows them and are taking advantage of women and the blackout , to behave how they like without fear of retribution " " But to give the impression that all airmen and soldiers from overseas do bad things and take advantage of women is wrong " . Moores was really quite angry with Sister Tutor . After the lecture Ethel and I were on night duty together on the men 's surgical ward and she asked me if I 'd heard about Sara Donahue . " Yes , isn 't it sad . When is she coming back ? " I asked Ethel . Sara is in our group but she had to leave suddenly and go home because a close relative died . " It 's not true about the relative dying , Olga . She left because she failed her three monthly medical . We think she had gonorrhoea " . " Couldn 't put it better myself " said Ethel . I didn 't know what a sexually transmitted disease was , but I wasn 't going to ask because I had a feeling I would look stupid . After all I am a nurse . When we 're on night duty and the air raids sound , we have to pull all the beds into the centre of the ward and put each patient 's gas mask on their bed . We 've been issued with helmets which have to be worn when the bombs start dropping . The first time I put mine on I thought , thank God , the tots can 't see me . They 'd never stop laughing , as a matter of fact neither could I . It was so big I had to keep pushing it back so I could see where I was going . I looked ridiculous in it . Ethel and I were sitting at the big table in the middle of the ward writing up our reports and whenever we leaned forward to say something to each other , our helmets would bang together . After a couple of times we started to laugh and then when we laughing so much we leaned back in our chairs and our helmets fell off crashing to the floor and made a terrible din and woke all the patients up . There 's still a routine on night duty , but it 's not so hectic . By nine thirty the bed quilts must be folded in four and placed at the foot of the bed , thermometers in mugs , equipment trays fully laid up , false teeth deposited in mugs on lockers and all lights turned off except the green shaded one on the table in the middle of the ward . While some men snore , others light up cigarettes , not taking the slightest notice of us when we tell them they are not allowed to smoke in bed . But we do have time to write up our lecture notes and revise . By the end of night duty , when I get to my room I 'm too tired to undress and fall asleep across my bed clutching my books . Horrible news : There 's a wireless in the student nurses ' sitting room where we all gather round and listen to the news to hear how the war is going . Before the war it was a games room but there doesn 't seem to be time to play games now , although we do sometimes play music on the gramophone . I was listening to the radio when Moores came in . Before she had said a word I could see by her face that something was wrong . But I wasn 't prepared for what she told me . As she sat down beside me she took my hand . " Olga , Joanne is dead . The rest centre in Morley College was bombed last Tuesday evening and it seems that Joanne was visiting someone there . Some people were rescued but most of them , including Joanne , were trapped inside . By the time they pulled her out , she was dead . " " Joanne 's dead " . Alone in my room , I kept repeating the phrase " Joanne is dead " as if it would help me take in the terrible news . The thought that I would never see Joanne 's face again gave me the most awful feeling I have ever had , worse than all the bombings and scares that I had experienced these last few months . My world has changed . I feel helpless - as if an invisible wall that once surrounded and supported me has gone and without it I feel disconnected from everyone and everything around me , tiny and insignificant . I 'm so lonely . Next day : I went mechanically through my duties until the last one when I was removing the flowers and potted plants from the ward and putting them in the bathroom for the night . I remembered Joanne telling me how she loved doing this job at Paddington General because it turned the bathroom into an exotic florist , rich with perfume and vibrant colour . " For a few minutes Olga , " she said " I 'm back home in Jamaica " . That night I cried bitterly for the loss of the best friend I 've ever had . These days I spend most nights listening to the wireless for news of the war in Europe . It is so frustrating that I know more about what is going on there than how my daughter and sister are managing in London . It is months since I have heard from either of them and I feel helpless because there is nothing to do except pray . We now know Germany is bombing London relentlessly and the loss of life and injuries , as well as the devastation to the city , is enormous . I read in the Gleaner of how people have to go to use the underground tube stations to shelter from the bombs . They often sleep there all night and then have go off to work the next morning trying to avoid unexploded bombs or fractured gas mains . How dangerous it all sounds . Why I Wrote " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " In 1994 , my mother , Carmen Browne , was admitted to the Royal Sussex County Hospital , Brighton in the UK seriously ill . As she slowly recovered I realized that had she died so too would the chance of my finding out about her past , her family in Jamaica and , of particular importance to me , who my father was information she had consistently refused to share with me . So I decided to find out for myself . My first discovery was that my mother 's real name was Olga Browney , born and raised in Kingston , Jamaica and one of eleven children from a close - knit , coloured Catholic family . A kind , naïve and gentle girl , my mother arrived in London in 1939 and lived with a malevolent , alcoholic aunt , intending to stay for only six months . However , world events , personal tragedy and malicious intent all combined to prevent her from returning home to Kingston . " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " is based on a true story about cruelty , revenge and jealousy inflicted on an innocent young woman and about moral courage , dignity , resilience and , in particular , love . It is the story of a remarkable woman , who because of circumstances , made a choice , which resulted in her losing contact with her beloved family in Jamaica , until nearly half a century later , when her past caught up her . What I discovered about my mother filled me with such admiration for her that I wanted her story recorded for future generations of my family to read so that they would know about this remarkable woman whose greatest gift to me was her unconditional love . That 's why I wrote " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " . Subscribe to Olga 's Daughter by Email |
We met the Oldest Princess and her friend whom we will deem the Adopted Princess in the hall , and started down to the lobby . The Adopted Princess said that she wanted to go to the desk and pay for a water she took last night . The girls had gone down to get some ice . They , being aware of their surroundings , had noticed a guy that made them uncomfortable . So they were in a hurry to get out of there . The Adopted Princess picked up a bottle of water and in her nervousness walked out without paying for it . She did not even think about it again until that morning when she wanted another water and wondered how much they cost . Then it hit her that she had " stolen " the water from the night before . So , we stopped by the front desk for her to get another water and to pay for the one she took last night . That way she would no longer be a " criminal " . LOL ! I love it that she has a conscience . So many kids today do not . And they would not have even mentioned it , much less tried to make it right . I was proud of her for doing the right thing . But we still teased her about being a " criminal " off and on . While she was taking care of that , My Prince , the Young Prince and the Oldest Princess were playing and being silly in the lobby . I gently scolded them , and they continued . At which time the Youngest Princess looked at me and said , " Kids ! " I told her I knew , and that I was glad I had at least one grown - up on this trip with me - LOL ! There was an older couple sitting there in the lobby , quietly observing all of our craziness . My Prince noticed them and said , " Good morning ! " The lady replied , " You are from the South aren 't you ? " My Prince then told her where we were from . They ended up being from Pennsylvania . Out in the country . We made a little more small talk with them , and then we left . I wonder what made her reply that way though ? Was it his accent ? Or was it his friendliness ? I guess I will never know . We got to the car , and loaded up and our friends came out shortly thereafter . And we got on our way again . Rewind for a minute - We have a silly app that lets us communicate as a family , and add memes and pictures and funny things . What else do you do on a long car ride ? Anyway , since we were about to go on a Disney Cruise . . . Well , I thought I would go with the Disney theme . I started two days out with a picture of the pool deck of our ship and the words , " I 'm too excited to sleep ! " Followed by a GIF of the tick - toc croc from Peter Pan dancing and splashing the water with the words , " Two days ! ! ! ! " The next morning , My Prince put a meme with Monster 's Inc . 's Sully and Mike saying , " We 've created a monster ! " The next day I put a GIF of Giselle from Enchanted acting all excited with the words , " One more day ! " The Young prince jumped in with a dog laying on the floor with a unicorn mask on its head with the words , " My dog found my unicorn mask " . That afternoon , I added a GIF of Rapunzel dancing around with the words , " I 'm so excited ! " The Young Prince quickly shot back with a picture of Kevin Garnett , from a State Farm commercial , with his eyes bulging and the words , " Really now ? " Thursday morning , I added a GIF of Ana from Frozen acting excited and the words , " Yes ! It 's go time ! " . To which the Young Prince responded with a picture of a different basketball player from the same State Farm commercial , sitting in a high chair , with the words , " No more memes ! " I responded with a GIF from Inside Out of Sadness crying . Then things were quiet for a while on the app until we were following our friends on Thursday , and I got a strange text from her , saying something like , ( Husband 's name here ) said we will be in ( city name here ) , we 'll wait on you . . . jk . So My Prince and I are wondering what in the world that could mean , when the truck we were following turned into an apartment complex , and we realized that we were not following our friends like we thought ! Somehow , we had started following a different truck ! We were laughing at ourselves and trying to find a place to turn around and find our friends . I found a picture of meerkats looking in different directions and added the words , " Us . Trying to find the ( family name of our friends ) . The Young Prince put a picture of a Sponge Bob character ( I think , I 'm not sure , because we don 't watch that show ) with the words , " Stop making memes ! " We got on the right track and quickly found our friends again . And we made sure we followed the correct truck the rest of the way . My Prince thought of something that he had forgotten and asked our friends if there was a convenient place to stop , could we stop and let him run in to buy what he had forgotten to pack . They said sure , they are awesome that way . They found a place to stop , but their GPS took us around the world to get there . My Prince ran in to buy the said forgotten item , and the rest of us sat in the car , or got out and stretched our legs , waiting on him . I took the opportunity to find a GIF of Alice in Wonderland with her chin in her hand drumming her fingers on the side of her face , and added the words " Waiting on dad got me like . . . " The kids thought that one was funny . We were talking about it , and I told them we needed to add the Adopted Princess to our group , so she would know what was going on . We added her to the group , and I found a GIF of Snow White happily clapping her hands and added the words , " Welcome ( Adopted Princess 's name ) ! " They were laughing and calling me the " Queen of Memes " , so I found a picture of the Queen of Hearts , from Alice in Wonderland , smiling smugly and added the words , " Queen of Memes . That 's me ! " The Young Prince responded with a weird picture of Leo DiCaprio sticking out his tongue . Then a GIF of Bernie Sanders making a disgusted face with the words , " Reading Mom 's memes . " To which my sweet Oldest Princess texted " Mom , I love your memes . " And then another text with four hearts . The Young Prince shot back with a GIF of some actor I don 't know looking over his shoulder with a angry face and the words , " Kiss up . " We let it rest for a little while after that ! It was about two hours later when we all decided on a place to eat . I was excited because I hadn 't eaten breakfast , and I was hungry . I found a GIF of Winnie the Pooh sitting at a table with his spoon and knife in his hands , dancing in his chair . I added the words , " When I 'm on a long trip and they say it is time to stop for lunch . " That evening , as we were almost to our hotel , the Adopted Princess roused a little from her motion sickness medicine slumber and I found a GIF of Boo from Monster 's Inc . sleepily blinking her eyes and added the words , " ( Adopted Princess 's name ) be like " . Everyone thought that was funny too , because she seriously was having a hard time staying awake . And because I rarely intentionally use improper grammar . We saw several crazy drivers , and the Oldest Princess found a GIF from a TMNT cartoon of a woman driving crazy and added the words , " Drivers in Florida " . It was true . Some of those people drive like they are nuts ! All was then quiet on the app front until we got in bed that night . I took a picture of the Youngest Princess sound asleep and added the words , " Goodnight ! May visions of Disney Cruises dance in your heads . " The Young Prince responded with a GIF of some mean looking tiger thing ( maybe from Kung Fu Panda ? ) jumping at the camera . Then a text of " Sleep tight . " The Oldest Princess responded to her brother with a text that said , " Wow ! ! " The Oldest Princess was a little slow in responding to the Flynn Ryder one a little earlier , but sent a text saying , " Get another chat " room " going if you 're going to do that . " Followed by two laughing , crying faces . That was it for the night . We all went to sleep . Now back to Thursday - When we got back on the road , I found a GIF of a raccoon ( not Disney themed , I know ) stealing cat food from a bowl . I added the words , " ( Adopted Princess 's name ) stealing water " . I told you we still picked on her about it . She responded with a GIF of Mulan sadly wiping her face . That was the end of our back and forth for a while . My main focus at that point was finding a restroom . I had drank my Plexus that morning , and I needed to find a bathroom and find one pretty quickly . Unfortunately for me , there was not one for the next 20 something miles . We took the first exit we could that had any civilization , and I was never so glad to see a McDonalds in my whole life . After that , we were back in the car and over the bridge and could see our ship . It was very exciting ! ! Our friends said that they were surprised that we could not hear their girls squealing from their car . Maybe we didn 't because I was squealing in our car . I was a little bit excited too ! We got there and parked relatively quickly . We got our luggage and got in line . The porters came around and picked up our luggage , and we did not have to worry about it any more . We got through several more lines and then had to wait until it was time to get on the ship . Our friends who made it through the line a little faster than we did , came over and told us that they had been chosen as the Disney family of the day ! How cool is that ! ? ! They had a special table for them to sit at , and they stood them at the entrance of the walkway to the ship and announced them as the Disney family of the day . By this time the two other families who were traveling with us had caught up to us . They took us all back to have one big group family picture taken , and then individual family pictures made . Then they put us in a side waiting area while they announced our friends as the family of the day . Our friends were the first family allowed on the boat , and then they allowed the rest of our group to board , before anyone else . It was really cool ! The kids waiting to get on the ship . They are a little excited . We divided and conquered from that point . Some of us went to get deck chairs and tables and the rest of us went to get tickets for the princess meet and greet , and the Elsa and Ana meet and greet . It worked ! We were able to get deck chairs and tickets and everyone was happy . We had all either worn our suits , or changed into them as soon as we got on the ship , and several of us got in line for the Aqua - Duck as fast as we could . We were some of the very first people in line . The little girls were very excited . My friend and I were a little excited too . It was fun ! The little guy working at the beginning of the line had an accent as he was from a different country . I asked him where the ride would end . He was showing me where all it would go and I was nodding and saying yes , and trying to understand him , when I heard him say , " . . . and will come out on this side in the ocean . " I am still nodding and saying yes when my brain registered what he said , and I said , " Wait ! No ! No , ocean ! " He belly laughed at me and said , " I trick you my friend ! No ocean . No ocean . " We rode it . It was fun . But the water was very cold ! There were several dips that I had not expected , I got several good splashes , but my friend who sat in the back got drenched . We got off laughing . I am glad I did it at very first , because I never did get a chance to do it again . We were just so busy from that point on . The older girls relaxed on the deck . The boys went exploring , and the little girls played in the water . When everyone was finally onboard , they had the Sailing Away party . The ships horn played , " A dream is a wish your heart makes " , and " Do you want to build a snowman ? " and several other Disney tunes , and then we were off ! Sailing Away party . Our first night , we ate in the Enchanted Garden dining room . It is patterned after the gardens of Versailles , France . I tried the Lobster Ravioli for my appetizer , and Sea Bass for my main dish . I had some kind of chocolate / apricot torte for dessert . It was all good . May not ever order them again , but they were all edible . I did not go hungry . I told them I had been adventurous the first night , but that I would probably not be quite so adventurous the rest of the trip . The Youngest Princess asked me if she could order the salmon . I told her yes , but that I was afraid she would not like it , so she should probably go ahead and order the pizza in the event that she didn 't like it . She was at a different table from me - we put the little girls at one table , and the big kids at another table , and the adults at the last table - so I told her that she could order anything she wanted on that menu . And , if she didn 't like what she ordered , that they would get her something else . So , she ordered the Grilled Salmon Steak , and the pizza just in case . After a while , she got my attention across our table and hers and said with an unhappy look on her face while pointing to her plate , " Mom , there is NOTHING STEAK about this ! It is completely salmon ! " I thought I would die ! The baby ordered " Grilled Salmon Steak " thinking she was going to get STEAK ! ! ! I told her to go ahead and eat her pizza , and to order the steak the next night . It was too funny ! The big kids had a fantastic time at their table . I had mentioned to one of the other mothers as we sat down at our table how nice it was to be able to put all of kids at a different table and not have to worry about them misbehaving , because they were a great group of kids . They knew how to behave and did a great job . Their waiter played a few games with them and they relaxed and had a great time . Our waiter did a great job as well . I love that they learn what you like , and that they move from one restaurant to another with you . My Prince said , " We came as strangers , but we are leaving as family . " After dinner we went to the main show called " The Golden Mickey 's " . It was cute . I think the Little Mermaid part was my favorite . And in that part , the starfish was my favorite . It made me think that we REALLY need a starfish character for VBS ! Captain Thor came out and told us that there was a tropical disturbance that was causing a little bit of rough waters , but he anticipated that by mid - night , that all would calm down . It was a little rough , but not too terribly bad . I just encouraged everyone to keep taking motion sickness medicine . Not the one that made the Adopted Princess so sleepy , but a different brand that did not cause drowsiness . And that was the worst part as far as roughness went . The rest was pretty much smooth sailing . The Adopted Princess has never been to Disney World before , so we went to the Rapunzel and Belle meet and greet , to have their pictures made with them . We loved Rapunzel . She was fabulous and very much in character the entire time . Belle , not so much . She lacked personality , and almost seemed " put out " to be there . Maybe it was just that Rapunzel was so good . Anyway , it was fun getting to meet them . By that time , we were all pretty much done for . We decided to go back to our rooms and get some rest . We were greeted by really fun towel art and chocolates when we returned to our rooms . Monday May 23 - That was actually the last day I blogged , but I blogged that morning about everything that had gone on during graduation and the graduation celebration . I had fully planned on getting back on and blogging that night , but it did not happen . From what I can remember , most of that day was spent resting and getting ready for our trip . The Oldest Princess was babysitting some of our friend 's children and they came over and played for a couple of hours . Other than that , I can 't remember much that is newsworthy . Tuesday May 24 - The Oldest Princess got up to go babysit again . She came over a little later , and the Youngest Princess stayed home with her . My Prince , the Young Prince and I all went shopping to pick up some last minute things for our trip . We found everything we needed , stopped and ate lunch , and then came home . That about covers it for that day . Thursday May 26 - We woke up early , and got ready and packed everything in the car . At which point My Prince realized that his choice of my giant suitcase was not going to work . We had an extra person going with us ( the Oldest Princess 's friend ) , and there was no way he was going to get all that luggage in the car , and still have room for everyone to sit . So , he ran back upstairs to change from my giant suitcase to his duffle bag . He is awesome , and he made it work . What a man ! We all loaded in , and we were off ! We made it to a fast food restaurant where we were going to meet some friends of ours who were going on the trip with us . All of us girls ran in for a last minute restroom break , and My Prince went through the drive through to get us all something for breakfast . Our friends were already there eating their breakfast . We talked to them for a few minutes while they finished up , and then we did a kid swap - our Youngest Princess for their oldest son . And we were off ! I made sure that everyone had motion sickness medicine in their systems . Maybe this was not the best idea for the Oldest Princess 's friend . She had not been sleeping well the last couple of nights , and she was exhausted , and even though it was the " less drowsy formula " motion sickness medicine , it knocked her out cold . She slept a good 90 % of the 11 hour drive . Bless her heart ! But I was glad that she was getting rest , so that she would have energy for our trip . We talked to the people at the front desk and decided on a place to eat dinner . We walked to where we were going to eat . We ate and fellowshipped and had a good time . Then we walked back to the hotel . There was one scary moment when we thought that we would all die , but God protected us , and we survived . Back at the hotel , we got the little kids and the men settled , and then my friend and I went to the Youngest Princess 's and her friend 's room and played Dutch Blitz . My friend had never played before , but she did a great job at picking it up and fit right in with us - cards flying everywhere , stabbing people with fingernails , etc . It is always great fun ! We , being women , of course stopped and talked a lot in between games . We had decided to play to a certain time , and then get some rest ourselves . All too soon the time came for us to quit . And we all went our separate ways to get some sleep . So we could let the real fun begin the next day . The normal morning routine , and on to our last day of school ( for elementary anyway ) . I gave my students the last of their tests , and we went and watched the kindergarten do the dress rehearsal for their graduation play . As always , I loved it ! Our kindergarten teacher is the BEST at coming up with her own kindergarten plays . They are great ! If you live in the area , you definitely need to try to go and see one . You will be impressed , I promise ! Then we went to snack . I sat with my kids , because the teacher 's table was full . Fun times , my last snack with my class . I will miss these kids . I love them and I know that they all have great times ahead of them . They really were a great bunch to teach . After snack , we went back to the class and finished up with a math test . Then they packed up everything , and it was time to go home . I finished up and came home . I think we had chicken fingers for dinner , and then we went to church . It was Senior night in our youth group , and they always invite the families of the Seniors to come and be a part , so we went over to the youth group for their service . It was fun . We celebrated the Oldest Princess and her friend C . They were given study Bibles , and discipleship making materials , and an alumni flag and t - shirt . They signed their alumni flag that will hang in the youth room . They were charged / commended by their youth pastor , pastor , and Sunday School teacher . They both got to speak to / charge those who will come after them . There was cake and ice cream . And lots of pictures . It was a good time . I am proud the Oldest Princess and her friend C . They are both super girls who love the Lord . I know God has exciting plans for their futures . 5 / 19 - Thursday - The regular morning routine , then we spent the morning working at the house trying to get ready for Friday and Saturday . Some friends dropped by to give the Oldest Princess her graduation gifts . We were talking to them , when our first round of company came in . We had a few minutes to visit before we had to head off to get the Youngest Princess to her tumbling class . We all went , and enjoyed hanging out together while the Youngest Princess tumbled . We also worked on a list of things we needed to get from the store . After tumbling , we went to one of our favorite restaurants and ate " white gravy " , as our family loves to call it . After dinner , Niece # 1 said she had an idea . That we could all take a portion of the list , and go separate ways ( divide and conquer ) , and whoever got back to the front first would win prize money . We all were in agreement , so we divided up the list and were off . Thirty minutes and three buggies full later , we were at the register checking out . My Prince and I were the first ones to the front with our completed list , but the Oldest Princess and the Young Prince were right behind us . My Prince and I won the prize money . But then Unka came up with another competition ( we might be a little bit of a competitive bunch ) . He wanted us all to text him with what we thought the total cost would be , and whoever came closest would get a prize . Believe it or not , the Youngest Princess won that competition ( actually Aunt T did , but she forfeited and gave the prize to the Youngest Princess ) . We took everything to the church and unloaded and then we came back to the house to visit for a little while before they went back to their hotel . 5 / 20 - Friday - Morning routine , then off to school for the Awards Ceremony . I had several last minute things I needed to get done . I had remembered early that morning that I had forgotten to fill out my Honor Roll certificates , and my Perfect Attendance certificates . So I wanted to get there early and get that done . One of my students brought me a sweet card and a cute water bottle with three lemons ( for my lemon water ) - so thoughtful , and sweet ! I was able to get everything done and in order , and went to sit down in the auditorium ( just a few minutes before it was time to start ) and realized that I had forgotten to get my two top student medals . AAAAHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! I found the secretary with seconds to spare , and she was able to get them to me right on time . So , once again , all was well . The awards ceremony went very well . The band played and several of our choirs sang , and then we did the awards . After the awards , we were in full " get the Oldest 's Princess 's graduation table decorated " mode . But that meant that I had to go in that room . The room with the 13 tables . I got teary several times , but we got the table decorated . I would not have been able to do it without Aunt T , Niece # 1 , and my sweet friend Special K . Also props go out to My Prince , the Young Prince , Z - Bone , and Unka for running errands and cutting boxes and other various things . We got the table mostly decorated , and then we went to lunch . After lunch , we sent the Youngest Princess and the men home , and we went back to the store to pick up a few last minute things we needed , and to have some pictures printed out . Then we went to the church , where it was all hands on deck for food prep for the party . We were washing / chopping machines . Again , there is no way I could have done it without all of my sweet family and friends helping . We finished up what we could do for the day , and went home to get ready for the graduation . We got ready and headed to the school a little early so we could add some of the pictures that we printed to the Oldest Princess 's table . Then it was upstairs for the actual graduation . It was a very nice ceremony . And the Oldest Princess is now a high school graduate . After the ceremony , we went to the fellowship hall for the reception . It was a fun time . After it was over , we helped clean up and then we came home . We visited for a little while . The Oldest Princess opened her presents . We watched a few clips of the kids ' play , and then everyone went their separate ways to get some rest . 5 / 21 - Saturday - We slept in a little , and then got up and got ready . We had a lot to get done in a little amount of time . Special K and Z - Bone met us here at the house and then we went to the church and met up with everyone else . We put trays together , and decorated tables . Poppy and My Prince went and picked up lunch . We ate and got back to work . Aunt T did a great job on the table . Again , it was a group effort . Everyone working together to get it all done . Many hands make light work , as the saying goes . Or as Aunt T likes to say , " Team work makes the dream work ! " We finished up and headed back to the house to get ready for the party . When we were all ready , we went back to the church and started putting everything out on the tables . Poppy went to pick up the chicken nugget trays . Grammy went grocery shopping for Sunday 's lunch . Then everyone started showing up . We had a wonderful time visiting with our friends and celebrating the Oldest Princess . I hope the Oldest Princess had a wonderful time as well . All too soon it was over and time to clean up . And again , with all hands on deck , we got it done . We headed back to the house . Unka , Aunt T and Niece # 1 went on back to their hotel . Special K and Z - Bone came in and played some Dutch Blitz with us . It got pretty crazy . Cards were flying , earrings were flying , insults were flying ( I may , or may not have been , called a cow ) , Z - Bone did his bull pawing thing , the Young Prince did a little of his commonhating , much laughter was shared , and in the end , we all remained friends . They left to go back to their hotel , and we went to bed . 5 / 22 - Sunday - Regular Sunday morning routine . Special K and Z - Bone came over and we left for Sunday school and church . Sunday school was packed and that was exciting . Unka , Aunt T and Niece # 1 met us for the church service . My Prince preached on marriage . It was very good . We also had several visitors - including Sal and Water Buffalo . Those two guys are crazy . They reminded us that Vacation Bible School is right around the corner , and that if we haven 't signed up ( either to come or to work ) that we needed to get that done . It was a good Sunday Morning . After church we all came home and had roast , hash brown casserole , green beans , and rolls . It was delicious . Then we visited and enjoyed just being able to sit and talk for a few minutes . My Prince left to go to the Baccalaureate Service at our church . Way before we were ready , Special K and Z - Bone had to leave to get back home in time for their evening church service . We prayed together , and then sent them off with a wave . It 's a family tradition . Unka , Aunt T and Niece # 1 stayed for about an hour longer before they had to leave to get to the airport . The Oldest Princess and the Young Prince had to get to church for drama practice . My Prince got home from the Baccalaureate Service . We prayed with / for Aunt T , Unka , and Niece # 1 , and then sent them off with the traditional wave . Grammy and Poppy went their way , as Poppy is filling in the pulpit at another local church while they are home for the summer . The Youngest Princess and I left to get to church . I had my small group meeting , and the Youngest Princess had youth choir practice . I really enjoyed our small group meeting . It was really just our first week in to our study . And I am so excited about how God is already moving . I can 't wait to see what He does next ! The children 's choirs performed in the evening service . It is always a blessing to me to hear those little ones sing the praises of our Lord and King ! They did a great job , and I am very thankful to those who work with them each week to help them learn their songs . After the song service , the Gray Ghost preached . It was my first time to hear him preach . He did a great job . I was very proud of him . I look forward to hearing him again in the future . After church , we came home , and ate leftovers from the grad . party . The Oldest Princess and the Young Prince went to a friend 's bon fire party for a little while . I called my sister back , and talked to her for a few minutes . I talked to my brother long enough to know that their flight made it in . The the kids came home , and we all went to bed . Wow ! Just typing that date makes my heart beat a little faster . It is almost here ! The day that the Oldest Princess will graduate from high school . I can hardly even believe that I am typing those words ! graduate . from . high . school . in the same sentence with the . Oldest . Princess . It just does not seem right . But , I am getting ahead of myself . When right now , I guess I need to go backward to yesterday , because I did not get to post . So , let me first catch you up to speed . 5 / 16 - Monday - It was anything but an ordinary day . Other than my usual morning routine . Wake up . First 5 devotion . Get ready for school . At school we hit the ground running , because we had a ton to cover and very little time to do it in . We had to get finished with our school work by the time snack rolled around , because we were going to go to snack and then we were off to the park for our end of the year picnic . Fourth grade went also , so we were able to be with the Youngest Princess , too . We managed to get it all done , and then ate snack , and then we were on our way . My Prince came along to be my driver . On the way , the Youngest Princess and her friends sang Jesus Loves Me . But they did not sing it the regular way . Oh , no . They had to sing it the Unka way . I text him and told him what they were doing and also told him very sarcastically that he should be proud . We made it to the park , and played a few rounds of Four Corners . One of my students was fascinated by looking for bugs . After Four Corners , we played a friendly little game of kickball . Okay , soooo , it wasn 't really a friendly game . It was a very competitive game , full of very competitive people . And so there might have been a little bickering back and forth . And after a while , My Prince had had enough . He was in the infield sternly telling some of the kids not to take it so seriously and not to get upset with one another , when I heard him yell out . I turned to look at him and he was on the ground , and I could see one of his legs from just below his knee up . I thought that he had broken his leg , and that the other part of his leg was behind him . I went running to him , and realized that he had stepped in a hole . A good sized hole at that . It scared me to death ! My Prince turned out to be fine , his ankle was a little sore last night and today , but he is going to be okay . I got a good scare . And I am very thankful that My Prince is okay . After the kickball game , we ate lunch . While we were finishing up lunch , My Prince found a teeny tiny praying mantis . It was so cute ! I caught it and showed it to my student that was all about bugs . We found a water bottle to put it in and let her take it home . After lunch , we walked around to a couple of the historical sites . In the church , some of the kids sat where the choir would sit . We told them that they needed to sing a special for us , so they sang Amazing Grace . They were being a little bit silly , but it was still beautiful to me . I managed to get the last little bit of it on video . After that , we loaded up and headed back to the school . We got back to the school about an hour early , and half of my class had gone home with their parents after the picnic , so we just hung out until it was time to go home . I had mentioned to My Prince that I had wanted to see a movie called The Abolitionists . It was about a man who used to work for the government , who now works as a private citizen who works with the government to help save children who have been trafficked as sex slaves . He goes in to other countries and works to help free these children . I know it is happening . I have done the research . I have a heart to help . I am praying about how God would have me to be involved in the war against trafficking . I have ideas , and dreams . I help when I can in small ways , but I am also praying for open doors , and bigger opportunities . So , after the Oldest Princess and the Young Prince got home , My Prince and I went to grab a bite to eat and see the movie . We were able to do a little shopping in between dinner and the movie . I was glad , because I needed to get a gift for my secret pal for our reveal party on Thursday . Then we went to the movie . It was very sobering . It was nice to know that there are people who care for others enough to put their lives on the line to save them . These men get no glory . They do what they do , for the love of children who are ignored , and forgotten by the best of us , and used and abused by the worst of us . It was heartbreaking to think about . Precious children with so much potential . With hopes and dreams of their own . Broken and abused in the worst of ways . What in the world have we come to ? It makes my heart cry , " Even so , come Lord Jesus ! " This morning , I woke up and did my First 5 devotion . Then I began to get ready for my day . The Oldest Princess had a babysitting job , and she had to leave earlier than I did , so I told her goodbye , and continued to get ready . School went fast today . We were only in for half a day . We are finishing up and mainly taking tests and quizzes . All teaching is done . When we finished our testing , it was time for the kids to go to band . And when they finished with band , it was time to go home . After the kids left , I caught up grading everything , and putting my grades online . I was able to conclude several subjects and fill out my certificates for those subjects . My Prince and the Youngest Princess brought me lunch . I finished up all I could , and then I came home . As I came through the fellowship hall , I noticed that someone had set up the tables for high school graduation . Thirteen round tables lined the walls . Thirteen round tables that represent thirteen lives . Thirteen lives that we have had under our care for several years . Some longer than others . Thirteen lives that will be moving on after Friday night . They will scatter to the wind , and they will never be together , the same again . Did we do all we could to strengthen , encourage , and teach them what they need to know ? Will they make their way okay ? It is scary to think of them venturing out from the safety of these walls and halls and hearts and minds that have sheltered and nurtured them . I am excited for them . I am sad for us . They are a special group , and the holes they leave will be huge . They will be greatly missed . Seven of them were my babies for a year of their lives . One of them IS my very own . I love them all . Many of them have been to my house to spend the night . Some of them have gone on vacations with us . Many of them have sat at our table and have ridden in our cars . I hope and pray that they are better for it , this time that they have spent with us . That in some small way , we have left our mark on them , taught them lessons that they will remember forever . Encouraged them to live closer to the Lord Who loves them more than they can EVER imagine . And I hate that this time has come to a close so very , very fast . For some crazy reason , that empty room with thirteen empty tables made me more emotional than anything else so far . I snapped a quick picture , to tuck the moment in my heart and memory . Then I headed home . Home with lots and lots to do before Friday night . I started a load of laundry , and folded about 4 loads . We did some general straightening up . I opened the box of decorations that Aunt T had sent . I text back and forth with Aunt T and with My Prince . Trying to finalize ideas and get things in order for graduation and the graduation party . There are times that between the end of the year school stuff , and the stuff to get done for end of the Senior year stuff , and trying to get the house in order , and get ready for her Senior table , and her Graduation Party , that I feel as though I am drowning . I feel like no matter how hard I try I am five steps behind where I am supposed to be . It is overwhelming . But , I just have to breathe deep and remind myself that it will be okay . It will be okay even if everything is not perfect . And it won 't be . Not with me in charge . I told My Prince earlier that I needed a personal assistant for the next couple of weeks to help me get things done . But it will be okay . What is done , will be done with love . Much love , and to me that trumps a Pinterest perfect party . My Prince brought home pizza because he knew I was stressing . We ate and chatted for a few minutes . A friend called , and we talked for a while I got teary , she cried some . It was beautiful . No , seriously , I don 't know what I would do without my sweet friend that I can laugh with and cry with . We are going through different situations , but we both love and listen and understand . It means the world to me . I hope it means the world to her , too . After I got off the phone , I helped the Oldest Princess work on a project for her Senior table . Then I finished up on my blog . Now , I am ready to go and read to the Youngest Princess and get some rest . I will try to blog again tomorrow , but if not , just know that I am crazy busy , and doing what I can to enjoy time with my family in between , and I will be back as soon as possible . Sunday School was good . It was about Jesus being the ' living stone " in 1 Peter . During the main service , we recognized our high school and college Seniors . The Oldest Princess and one of her sweet friends , C , dressed in their graduation caps and gowns and went down front to be recognized . Our youth pastor told a little about each girl , and then gave a short speech , and almost made me cry . Then they presented them with a devotional , and had all of the family members of each girl come forward to join the girls for a prayer . It was very sweet . Then I looked out in the congregation , and one of my sweet friends was crying ! I told her after the service that there was to be no more of that ! She , as my friend was supposed to be strong , and help me not to cry . She was not supposed to cry and make me cry ! And about that time another sweet friend who was in the choir , and behind me , came up and said that she was crying too ! I told them they can not do that anymore . They have to be strong and help me to be strong . My Prince preached a great second message in his Family Matters series . Parents , we are responsible for the spiritual training of our children . Yes , the church helps , but we are the primary source . If God is not moving in our hearts , and not a priority in our lives , then how can we expect Him to move or be a priority in our children 's hearts and lives ? It was very good , and he almost made me cry at the end . But I held it together . After the meeting , we came home . The kids pretty much had time to change clothes and head back to the church . I had time to sit down and organize my thoughts for the small group study that started tonight . Our friends who were there this morning , text to see what kind of classes we had available . I invited her to join our group that was just starting , and told her we could there was a group her husband could join . She told me she would see me there . We got ready and went back to church . We had the first meeting of our small group , and I really enjoyed it . It was kind of a preview , as we will do our first lesson this week . I have been looking forward to doing this study , and so I am very excited about it . Then , during the service , the teen praise and worship team led worship . I know two of them are mine , but I think they all did a great job . It takes a lot for those kids to get up there in front of everyone and lead worship . I am so thankful for their willing hearts , and their courage to use their talents for the Lord . My Father - in - Law preached . He preached from John 1 , on John the Baptist , and how his identity was in Christ and his purpose was to make Christ known . Just as our identity should be in Christ , and our purpose should be to make Him known . We ran by the store to pick up a few things , including one very expensive bottle of fingernail polish . The Oldest Princess must learn to use the little scanner things when something does not have a clearly marked price . And then we came home . I woke up early this morning as My Prince was leaving to have breakfast and meet with some men from our church . I could not go back to sleep , so I got up and did a little work on my Bible studies while the house was quiet . I also worked in the kitchen a little and started a load of laundry . The Oldest Princess got up and helped a little as well . I went through my closet and put away all of my fall / winter clothes . Then did the same with the Youngest Princess 's closet . I bagged up some of the clothes we have been putting in our designated " give away " spot . And My Prince and the Youngest Princess went to take them to a friend of ours who sells secondhand clothing and toys and such and then uses the money to buy Christmas presents for children who would otherwise not receive much for Christmas . We also bagged up two bags full of clothes to pass on to a friend of ours who has a daughter that is younger than the Youngest Princess and can wear some of our gently used clothes . When they got home , the Youngest Princess was all excited . She said that our friend had offered her a job . She told her that she could come and help her , and play with her granddaughter who is the Youngest Princess 's age , when they were not busy . The Youngest Princess was very excited that she has a " summer job " like her big brother and sister . I ate lunch , and then we got ready to go and visit Poppy . Another friend of ours who has a little apartment next to their house , has graciously offered to allow Grammy and Poppy to stay there , while Grammy and Poppy are in the states . They live out in the country , and it is very quiet and peaceful . Today is Poppy 's birthday , and he wanted us to come out there and grill out and visit with him . They also have a pool , and our friend told us that anytime we wanted to come and visit with Grammy and Poppy , we were welcomed to , and that we were to feel free to use the pool as well . So the kids , mainly the Youngest Princess , did a little swimming , while we visited and grilled . We ate hamburgers and mini cupcakes to celebrate Poppy . It was a nice , relaxing evening . That is until the little bugs started biting . They especially liked the Young Prince . We decided it was time for us to head home , so My Prince could do his studying and final preparations for tomorrow . I took half of a Benadryl last night , so it was harder than normal for me to get up this morning . But I did get up , and do my First 5 devotion . Then I got ready for my day . Today at school was a little different than normal . I got there and hit the ground running . I had quite a bit to accomplish and a very little time to get it done . First we had the Bible test . We were able to get it and the verse test done before we went to chapel . In chapel , they announced the winners of the Daughters of the Republic essay contest that the 6th graders entered . And each participant received a certificate . After chapel , we went back to class and the kids took their math test . By the time they all finished their math test , it was time for us to go to snack . After snack , we got back to the room , and the kids took their reading vocabulary quiz . Then we had time to do a couple Mad Libs before they left for their Music field trip . The Music and Band teacher took them to a local nursing home , where they played their band instruments and sang for the residents . As soon as the students returned , we went to lunch . We ate quickly , and then went to the gym to watch a dress rehearsal of the High School play . It was very hot in the gym . The play was cute . I look forward to seeing it tomorrow night and Friday night , after they have worked out all the bugs , and when the lighting and costumes are in full swing . After the play , I had a bad headache , and we still had an hour of school left . Then it was time to come home . When we got home , the Youngest Princess went upstairs to watch a movie , and I put away some dishes and washed strawberries to dip in chocolate when My Prince and Poppy got home . Then I took some medicine for my head and laid down on the couch and took a quick cat nap before everyone else got home . When My Prince and Poppy got home , I went to work on the strawberries , and My Prince started frying bacon , and sausage and put some biscuits in the oven . The Oldest Princess got home and she fried a couple of eggs for Poppy . Then we scrambled some eggs and sat down to eat . The Oldest Princess and the Young Prince had to go to church for Praise Team practice . My Prince and Poppy followed them shortly thereafter , and the Youngest Princess followed them all a few minutes later . Tonight we wrapped up our Leviticus study . And tomorrow we will start on Acts . I am still going to meet with this group , and I will be doing what I can of this study , but I will be mainly focusing on a Sunday night group that starts this Sunday night . We are going to go through the book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss entitled Lies Women Believe . I read the book a few months ago , and it was really good . I learned a lot , and I look forward to sharing , and learning and growing with this group of ladies . After church , the kids and I came home . My Prince had a deacon 's meeting . I took some more medicine , because I am still not feeling well , and the Youngest Princess and I are headed to bed to get some rest . It was a good day . This morning about 3 : 40 , I realized that someone was going down the stairs . It turned out to be the Young Prince . He could not sleep , because he could not breathe . Anytime my men cut the grass or work in the yard , they have terrible allergies , and his allergies / sinuses had him stopped completely up . Poor thing . My Prince went downstairs and got him some medicine . I prayed for the medicine to act quickly , so the Young Prince could breathe comfortably , and get some sleep . Before I knew it , it was time to get up . I read my First 5 devotion . It was about how Peter had a breakthrough and realized that the Gospel was for both the Jew and the Gentile . We need to be careful that we do not have prejudices in our own lives that limit the work of the Holy Spirit . School went well . One of my sweet students brought me a beautiful rose . We had plenty of time to get everything done today , as we are winding down the year , and have completely finished with two of our subjects . I worked hard to get some grades done , and pulled certificates for the awards ceremony at the end of the year . So I feel like I was able to get several things accomplished today , to help make the end of the year go smoothly . I will have more to do this year with the Oldest Princess graduating , so I am trying to get as much done ahead of time as possible . And I still feel like I am drowning in my " things to get done " list . And I still feel like I 'm ten steps behind where I need to be . It is a little overwhelming at times . But we will get through . Everything may not be perfect , but it will be done with love and that is what matters . I was able to get one thing that I have been working on for several weeks finished today . And that is one less thing to think about . But now , I have to wait to present it , and I am not sure that I can do that . After school , the Youngest Princess and I came home . The two oldest kiddos had to stay at school for a while for play practice . The Youngest Princess played school while I worked on my blog for a few minutes . My sister - in - law called and we talked about the Graduation party and made some plans . Then My Prince got home , and he brought strawberries . Yay ! I washed a handful and quickly dipped some in chocolate and ate them before we left to go and meet the kids at the school . We picked up the oldest two from school and headed out to the airport to pick up Poppy . I made a side trip to the restroom , and then joined the kids . The Young Prince caught me up on what I had missed . The University of something or other 's track and field team had just passed by , or some of them anyway , and there was a reunion going on on the other side of a big sign , and someone was crying . I told him I was thankful to him for catching me up on what I had missed . I love that kid ! We were standing there waiting on Poppy to come down the escalator , when a lady came down and said , " Oh , I wish you were my people ! You all are so cute ! " Her sweet comment made my day ! I want to remember how much a sweet comment can mean to someone , and I want to remember to spread the love ! Poppy arrived and was greeted by hugs all around . We went down and waited on his luggage . The Youngest Princess surprised us all by getting one of the bags even though Poppy thought it was too heavy for her . She insisted on pulling it all the way to the car . We stopped for a wonderful dinner , that Poppy bought us . Thank You , Poppy ! And then we did a little shopping , while Poppy added minutes to his phone . A friend text us and asked if we could do a few more decorations for VBS . She also asked me if I would do a special VBS blog . How fun ! I told her I would . So now , I need to figure out the best way to get that done . I am excited about it ! We all headed home . Poppy got his luggage and his truck and headed to his new home away from home . Some friends of ours have graciously offered their pool house for Grammy and Poppy to stay in while they are home this time . Have I mentioned that we are blessed ? I brought the Youngest Princess in the house to get her ready for bed . My Prince drove the oldest two back to the school to get their cars , because we had forgotten that we picked them up from play practice and that their cars were still at the school . Now we are all home and everyone is ready for some rest . So , rest we will . 5 / 8 - Sunday - Mother 's Day . It always makes me emotional . This year was better than most . But I still miss my Momma like crazy . I still wish I could call her , or be with her and give her a great big hug , and then just sit on the porch and enjoy a nice long talk . I wish she could see the kids . I wish she could be here with me to walk with me through the Oldest Princess 's last few weeks of high school . I wish she could help me plan the graduation party . I really miss her ! Okay . It makes me emotional just thinking about it , so I will move on . Last Friday the Oldest Princess got a card in the mail . It was from a relative . We were super busy Friday , so it was Saturday morning before she opened it . The gift was sacrificial . And totally unexpected . It made me cry . And maybe my being emotional Saturday morning , helped me not to be so emotional on Sunday . Sunday morning went as well as good Sunday mornings at our house go . We got ready and my awesome kids were great sports and took pictures with me outside before we left . When we got to church , we had our picture made again . One of our sweet church members decorated a corner of the fellowship hall , and took pictures of everyone who wanted to have their pictures made with their mothers . I am very thankful to her for doing that . She did it several years ago , and we still have the great pictures as memories . Sunday school was good . A great reminder to not just follow what someone says because they are a well known , well loved , accepted pastor or preacher , but to prove them and what they say with the Bible and what it says . If what they say does not line up with the Bible , then do not listen to them . And if I do not study my Bible and know what it says for myself , then I am liable to believe things that are not the truth . And so are you . So let 's read our Bibles and know what is and isn 't the truth . In the church service , My Prince started a new sermon series entitled Family Matters . He preached from Deuteronomy 6 : 4 - 6 . Sunday 's sermon was about how we must have a right relationship with God , before any of our other relationships will fall into place . If we have a right relationship with God , we can have a right relationship with others . If we do not have a right relationship with God , we can not have a right relationship with others . It was a strong , convicting sermon . My Prince did a good job ! After church , we came home and changed into more comfortable clothes , and then we went out to eat lunch . It was delicious . After lunch , the kids wanted to do a little shopping . The Oldest Princess found a couple of skirts for college . The Young Prince found a few shirts , and I found a couple of things I had been looking for for an upcoming trip . Then we went to Wal - Mart to pick up a few things we needed , and drove through and got ice cream for dessert for on the way home . My weakness is a chocolate covered strawberry blizzard . 5 / 9 - Monday . This morning , I woke up and read my First 5 devotion . Then we got ready and headed to school . Today was the first day of our last full week of school . I cannot believe it is time for the school year to end . The time has flown by ! We had a good day , and accomplished much . My friend was back at work today . It was nice to have her back ! After school , I came home and worked on my Leviticus Bible study . My Prince grilled pork chops and I did the sides for dinner . The oldest two kids got home from play practice and we enjoyed dinner together . After dinner the guys went out to mow some of the yard . The Youngest Princess went outside to play on the trampoline . The Oldest Princess watched some television . I did a little laundry , and cleaned up after dinner . Now I am ready to go and read to the Youngest Princess , and call it a day . 5 / 3 - Tuesday - It was the funeral of my sweet friend . My Prince did a good job . But some subjects are very easy to work with , and my friend lived a life that made it easy for the preacher to preach her funeral . After the funeral , I did not go to work , as I would have been there for less than two hours . The Oldest Princess was still not feeling well , so I came home and spent some time with her . I do not really remember what we did that evening . I am old , and I have slept since then . 5 / 4 - Wednesday - Wednesday morning was pretty regular . The Oldest Princess was feeling better again , so she went back to school . It was teacher appreciation week , so I received several really sweet gifts from my students and their parents . More than normal , because some of them were meant for Tuesday . I got bright , happy cleaning rags , chocolates , cokes , journals , notepads , pens , sunflower seeds , dry erase markers , a cute little pail with a flower and a hummingbird on it , and a beautiful new Bible to use in my classroom ( because my classroom Bible was falling apart ) . The Bible really made my day , because one of my students noticed that I needed a new one , and took it upon herself to get me a new one , without even mentioning it . It was a total surprise . And very thoughtful on my student 's part . It makes my heart smile every time I use it ( and that is a lot ) . She also included a very sweet card that brought me to tears . I know I say it often , but I say it because it is so true , I am blessed beyond measure ! I get to teach children about the Lord , as well as other things throughout the day . Bible , Math , Language , Science , History and life lessons sprinkled all the way through our day . And I have supportive parents and awesome co - workers . We are like a little family , and I absolutely love it ! After school , we came home for a few minutes , before it was time to go to church . I went early to help pack purses . We had our ladies bring some of their gently used old purses and we filled them with items that any woman might need or love - travel sized shampoos , conditioners , hand creams , manicure sets , deodorants , costume jewelry , combs , brushes , chapstick , makeup , candy , gum , a Bible , a Bible verse , etc . We had a contact pick them up and take them to a battered women 's shelter . That way , when a woman comes in with absolutely nothing , they have something that was packed with love and prayers to give her , to help her in a very difficult time of her life . I never got a total , but we packed around 50 purses . After that , I joined the other two members of my small group for our study on Leviticus . Two of us were missing ( and they were very missed ) . We had a good time and pretty much decided that we know very little about the feasts , and what they all meant . It is an interesting study . This will be our last week in Leviticus , and I have learned a lot . As I was leaving church , our friend text me and told me that the Oldest Princess 's pictures were done . So the Young Prince and I ran by their house and picked them up . We were able to stay and talk with them for a few minutes . I really enjoy being able to talk to / fellowship with our friends and church members outside of church , because at church , it seems like there is so very little time to get to anything below just the regular surface stuff . I treasure times we are able to talk and really get to know one another . 5 / 5 - Thursday - It was the National Day of Prayer . The Youngest Princess went with My Prince to our town 's National Day of Prayer . She " led " the pledges and the singing of My Country Tis of Thee for her daddy . And no doubt added a certain amount of cuteness to the event - she 's mine . I 'm a little bit biased . When she got to school , and changed into her school dress code , she realized that she had forgotten her shoes and socks . So she went barefoot for most of the day ( until My Prince came at lunch and brought her her shoes ) . Yep . My kid went to school without shoes . And she survived . And life went on . Some days it is all we can do to hold on and just survive . And I am sure we are not alone . Oh , I got a jar filled with Hershey 's Hugs from my class , and a card with some cash in it signed by each of my students . Did I mention that I am blessed ? And that they are thoughtful ? After school , one of the Youngest Princess 's friends came home with us for the hour before tumbling . They looked at the hedgehog , and played and before we knew it , it was time to head to tumbling . My Prince and the Oldest Princess joined us . We ran by the friend 's house so she could change for tumbling , and then on to tumbling . The Youngest Princess almost has her back handspring . It won 't be long ! After tumbling , we took the friend home , and then ran to grab something to eat . After a quick dinner , we came home , and refreshed and allowed the Youngest Princess to change clothes , and then went to the church for a special National Day of Prayer prayer meeting . It was a sweet time of gathering with some of our church members , and members of another church to pray for our nation , our community , and our churches . Again , precious moments , that are too fleeting , with people we love . 5 / 6 - Friday - My class again outdid themselves and brought me such sweet thoughtful gifts . There was a bouquet of roses , a flower to plant at home , a solar powered flower ( I can 't wait to see what it looks like at night ) , and some homemade bath salts . There was a scrapbook , with pictures from our year , and a letter from each of my students - a gift I will treasure for years to come . And there was a new charm for my Pandora bracelet . Now my heart charm doesn 't have to be all alone ! And , even more exciting , it is in the shape of a hedgehog ! Who knew that Pandora actually makes a hedgehog charm ? ! ? It is adorable ! She has a little bow in her hair , and her little nose is all pointy . She is holding a purse , and has on a polkadot dress . She is adorable ! They could not have picked a better charm for me to remember them by . It is awesome ! And yes , I smile when I see it , or think about it . After school , we ran home for the Youngest Princess to change clothes , and to meet up with the Oldest Princess . The Youngest Princess had a birthday party to attend . Siblings were invited , and it just so happens that the friend having the birthday party has an older sister that is the same age as the Oldest Princess . So , it is really unique , that we have girls that are so far apart in age , and the same ages , and that both sets of girls have been life long friends . So the Oldest Princess went with us to the party . First we met at a local park and had pizza , and Oreo cheesecake ( yummy ! ) , and opened presents . Then we went to the skating rink so the girls could skate . I didn 't skate , but I had fun watching everyone else . We left a few minutes early , because the Young Prince and My Prince wanted to got to a movie . The Oldest Princess wanted to go to . She asked her friend ( who 's sister was having the party ) to go with her . So we got home and met up with the boys and headed to the movies . The Young Princess and I decided to join them and watch a different movie that was more our speed - The Jungle Book . I enjoyed watching the movie with the Youngest Princess . I don 't know that we have ever gone to a movie just the two of us . Our movie finished first , so we had to wait a few minutes before My Prince and the kids were done with theirs . We did a little people watching , and saw a few friends , while we waited on them . When their movie was over , we headed home . It had been a long day , and we were exhausted . 5 / 7 - Saturday - I woke up and got some things done around the house . I made some chicken dip for the Oldest Princess who needed it for a girls thing she was going to . She attempted to make chocolate bowls ( with balloons ) for their ice cream , but it just wasn 't meant to be today . When the balloons popped , they stuck to the chocolate ( I think we forgot that the last time we wrapped the balloons in saran wrap before we dipped them in the chocolate ) , and then we could not peel the chocolate off of the balloons without it breaking into pieces . It was a definite Pinterest fail . But , we live and learn , and next time we will remember the saran wrap ! I worked on a couple of my Bible studies , and tried to do a little catching up on my blog . My Prince took the Youngest Princess to a birthday party . Since I took her to the birthday party yesterday , he offered to take her to the one today . He 's a good man ! While they were gone , I had about an hour to myself . I cranked up my iTunes , and finished my Bible study and got some thank you cards written . The Oldest Princess and the Young Prince came home about the same time . We watched a show together . My Prince and the Youngest Princess came home . They all wanted to give me their Mother 's Day presents . Some of them have been asking for a week if they can give them to me . I 've been telling them to wait , but I told them it was okay to give them to me this evening , because Sunday mornings at our house are so hectic . So they gave me their gifts . The Youngest Princess painted a heart for me , and bought me a beautiful candle holder . She also wrote me the sweetest note ! The Young Prince , on his own told his daddy a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to get me a charm for my bracelet . He chose the Tinkerbell signature green spacer - two of my favorites wrapped up in one . Green and Tinkerbell ! And to make it even more special , there is a story behind it . But I 'm not telling . Choosing instead to keep it close to my heart . The Oldest Princess chose the Micky Mouse dangle charm , maybe because we are going to see old Micky before too long , and My Prince choose the two interlocking hearts charm . It is beautiful ! Have I mentioned lately that I am blessed ? Beyond measure ? My Prince grilled chicken , and we had chicken and baked potatoes for dinner . Since it 's Mother 's Day weekend , I got to choose what we watched tonight , and I chose a Hallmark movie . Payback for having to watch sports on Father 's day weekend . The girls loved it . My men , not so much . My Prince and the Youngest Princess both complained with bad headaches . I gave the Youngest Princess some medicine , and hers seemed to get better . My Prince had to go to bed for a while to help get rid of his , and rest up before he got back up to put the finishing touches on his sermon for tomorrow . Hello ! It has been a while . How quickly one day turns into two days , and two days turn into four days ! We have been busy , and when it comes evening , I have not been in the mood to blog , so I have skipped a few days . Not that there are not blog worthy things happening . There have been many , but I 've just been too tired to get on here and get it done . So , I will hit a few highlights that have happened over the past few days and try to keep it short and sweet . Wednesday 4 / 27 - A normal day as far as I can remember . And my memory is not that great anymore ! Work / school for all of us . After school , a few minutes to get some things done around the house and then church . My small group study was good . I love my ladies , and I love growing and learning and just doing life together through good times and bad . Thursday 4 / 28 - My AWESOME niece 's birthday . It was a good day . We had work / school as usual . We also had our last staff lunch . And as usual I forgot . As usual I sent my monthly SOS text to My Prince to let him know I had forgotten , yet again . WHY DO I HAVE A MENTAL BLOCK AGAINST REMEMBERING THESE THINGS ! ? ! ? My Prince who is also My Hero from time to time ran to the store and got all the stuff and made . my . chicken . dip . for . me ! Then he delivered it piping hot to the school , right at our snack time . What a man ! ! ! He is awesome ! Other than that , it was pretty much a normal day . Oh , we did finish the last of the Josiah books . It was bittersweet . Josiah has journeyed all the way through 5th grade with us , and we hated to be done . I guess it also symbolizes another year about to be finished , and another group of students that have made it through and I have to say goodbye to them and send them on their way . It makes me sad to think about sending them on . Well , at least most days anyway . After school , we went home and got ready to go to our school 's Sports Banquet . This year , all three of our children were involved in the sports program , so all three were recognized with their teams for the various sports they played . It was a great night , full of friends , great food , pictures , memories and awards . They framed the jerseys of the Seniors and gave them to the Seniors as parting gifts . I had no prior knowledge of that , and it brought tears to my eyes . The Oldest Princess also received a trophy for the most steals , and was named to the All - State Basketball Second Team . Then it was time for the Patriot Award . This award is given for outstanding Christian character and testimony in their athletics , school , church , and community . They called up five students who received the most votes from their coaches , teachers , and peers . Out of the five , two of them were the Oldest Princess , and the Young Prince . My heart was thrilled to see my oldest two children standing up there . What a blessing ! All five of the students standing there , were very worthy of the award . I love them all , and I was very proud of each of them . And for all the awards given that night , I must say , that the fact that my kids were nominated for this particular one definitely meant the most to me . " I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth . " I John 1 : 4 On the way home from the banquet , we called my niece to wish her a Happy Birthday . She told us that after lunch , she had gotten sick and had had to go home from work . That made me bummed for her . You are not supposed to be sick on your birthday ! Friday 4 / 29 - Again , a fairly normal day . Work . School . Home . We had tumbling , because it had been moved to Friday , from our usual Thursday , because of the sports banquet . We hurried home from school so the Youngest Princess could pack her bags to take with her to tumbling , because she was going with a friend straight from tumbling to a surprise slumber party for one of her friends . One of my friends , whose daughter was also going was awesome enough to let the Youngest Princess ride with her , because My Prince and I were invited to a FFA banquet , and could not get her to the party and be at the banquet on time . The Oldest Princess was going with her D - group out to eat and to see The Jungle Book . The Young Prince was going over to a friend 's house to camp out . We went to the banquet and enjoyed good food and fellowship . We were also able to see several of our church kids presented with awards for their accomplishments over the past few years in the local FFA chapter . It was a fun night . Saturday 4 / 30 - It was a good day of getting things done around the house . And I was able to get quite a bit of study time in as well . I even made time to dip some more chocolate covered strawberries . I am sure I ate too many , but they are just SO GOOD ! The Oldest Princess had scheduled time with a friend to take a few more Senior pictures . Aunt T had taken a ton last summer , but she also wanted a few taken here at home , so we met our friend and took some here around town . I enjoyed talking with our friend . We see her almost weekly , but rarely have time to actually talk , so it was a special time for me . She is a great photographer , and I am looking forward to seeing the finished pictures . A huge praise ! Our car is fixed ! I was able to pick it up after we finished with the pictures . And a huge Thank You , to the friend who fixed it for us ! What a blessing ! It is wonderful to have it back again , and not to have to worry about getting from place to place in someone else 's car . Even though right now , with two teen drivers and Grammy 's car and Poppy 's truck , our driveway looks like a used car lot ! Sunday 5 / 1 - How . In . The . World . Is . It . Already . May . 1st ? ! ? I can not believe it is already the month that the Oldest Princess graduates ! I just can not believe that it is here ! She has already started receiving graduation presents . We are gathering things up to use to decorate her table at graduation , and getting things in order for her party the night after . We have been busy , and I still feel like there is so much to do . But busy is good , because it keeps me from having too much time to think about it . This morning , I was busy getting ready for church , and missed two calls . In a couple of minutes , I received a voicemail from a friend who lives close to one of our church members . She was letting me know that there were ambulances and first responders at our church member 's home . Other than that , she did not know any details . I told My Prince , and we both began immediately to pray for her . Our church member was a widow ( her husband passed away about 10 months ago ) , and she lived alone . Just a few minutes later , my friend called me back to tell me that she had passed away . It was heartbreaking news . She was a precious lady . So very , very sweet . She and her husband were big supporters of my Bible Drill kids . They both loved Bible Drills and believed in what we were doing . They supported us in prayer , and they would always give the kids a card with a little money in it on the day of the big drill . They also followed us , and went to see the kids drill when they were physically able . She sat by me at a funeral a while back , and we were talking about how many people were there , and she made a remark in jest about how there probably would not be many people at her funeral . I promised her that I would be there . When her husband passed away , I was unable to attend his funeral . She reminded My Prince that I said that I would be at hers . So , now I have to keep my word . Although , this is one time I hate that I sure do wish that there was no reason to keep my word . She will be greatly missed by many , and I am one of those In our morning worship service , we gave certificates to our Bible Drill students , and recognized them for their achievements , and hard work . After church we went to eat at a local Mexican restaurant . Not my favorite , but we were having a hard time on everyone deciding on one place , and so I gave in for the sake of peace . After lunch we came home and I started working on my blog . And the Youngest Princess practiced playing the piano . Then we went to her piano recital . She played a duet that she had played with one of her friends for our fine arts competition , and she played Fur Elise . All of the students did a great job . I love watching their talents progress over the years , and I love that they are learning something that they can use for the rest of their lives . We came home after the recital . The Youngest Princess was very tired and very whiny . I had a headache all afternoon . I decided to keep her home and let her rest before school tomorrow . We have been running like crazy folks . So she and I stayed home . I fixed dinner , and then we read and got some rest , and recharged our weary selves . Monday 5 / 2 - Today was a good day . I got up and did my First 5 as usual . I got ready , and we went to school . There was a bouquet of green ( my favorite color ) and white flowers , along with a sweet note , and two candy bars , for teacher appreciation from my class . One of my students also brought me a cute little hedgehog candle . It was so sweet , because for the last week he has been dying to give it to me . If he asked once , he asked 20 times , " Can tomorrow just be teacher appreciation day so I can give it to you ? I can 't wait ! " Blessed . I tell you all , I am blessed . The Young Prince knocked on my door and told me that he had talked to one of the other teachers and asked her to do something for me that we had talked about the night before . He said he would do it , and he stopped by to let me know that he had gotten it done . He is really growing and maturing , and I am so very proud of the young man he is becoming . I spent my break time at school getting ready for my sub tomorrow . I am very glad that I was able to find a sub , because my friend is still out , and several people have been moved around to fill in her spot , and the spot of the lady who has taken her place . I was worried that I would have a hard time finding someone who could sub for me . But thankfully , God worked it out easily . And now , I will keep my word , and attend a funeral that I am sad that I have to attend . I really loved this sweet lady . She was a godly , precious example to many . She was faithful through the years , and I told My Prince tonight that when I am old , I want to be sweet like she was . She always had a pleasant smile on her face and a kind encouraging word to those around her . I know she is in the presence of the Lord , and her loved ones , but she will be greatly missed here on earth . After school , I came home and got a few things done around the house . Then when My Prince got home , he , the Youngest Princess , the Young Prince and I all went to grab a bite to eat . The Oldest Princess stayed home , because she was going to go to dinner later with our youth pastor 's wife . I enjoyed talking with the Young Prince over dinner . He told us about some things he has been interested in , and is looking to the future , and that excites me for him . We went to eat , and then ran by the store , and came home . We almost came home with a new dog , but my head won out over my heart , and I hope that his owners found him , or someone else found it in their hearts to take him in until his owners were found . We weren 't home long before the Oldest Princess left for her dinner . I spent some time doing my Leviticus study . Then the Youngest Princess asked me to watch some television with her . We watched a little television , and then the Oldest Princess came home . She came in the door feeling very sick . We did what we could to make her comfortable and help nurse her a little . She was actually sick a few times , but now she is sitting up in bed pleading for me to let her tell me what she got me for Mother 's Day , so she seems to be feeling a little better . I am wife to a wonderful Pastor , and mother to three very busy children . I teach 5th grade at a private Christian school . I have a burden to see others live their lives serving the Lord . I hope that something you read here challenges you to do just that . |
I called Dustin ( one of the marines ) last night and asked if I could talk to his mom . So I called his mom and she was so shocked to hear from me , but that is o . k . I am good at shocking people . Talking to Dustins mom really gave me some insight into him , Now that I have talked to his mom I have something special planned for his quilt . I can 't tell you guys because Dustin reads my journal ! LOL Amber was on my last nerve yesterday . What is it with teenagers ? I have to remember that she is 17 and knows everything . So with that said . . . . . Rusty found out last night that it is going to cost about $ 250 a month to have Amber added to our insurance . So we will not be adding her . That really pissed Amber off . I had to explain to her that while we can afford the $ 250 a month I do not feel that it is our responsibility to pay her car insurance . Amber things I am being very unreasonable because I make her pay for her own cell phone and buy her own clothes . I believe that it is called reality . I noticed that her shopping habits went way down when she had to buy her own stuff . Don 't get me wrong we still buy her clothes for her birthday and for Christmas , but everything else is on her . We will see just how bad she wants to drive once she gets back from her vacation . I am so looking forward to next Wednesday , yes that is the fourth of July , but for me it means that all of the children will be going to my moms house ! Yes , two weeks with no children . I can so see myself sitting on the beach for a few days . The other day I turned on the computer and I found my play list and hit play . I went about cleaning up and doing other things . I was standing in the kitchen when I realized that the music over . I am a music lover and I have to have tunes going all the time . So I looked over at the computer and I said " Hey Rick put some music on " . Nothing happened . I just knew that I had just seen him sitting at the computer . I looked again and the chair was empty . Rick is my late father in law and he has been dead for a few years . I swear to you guys the other day he was sitting here , just like he use to do . Then today I was standing at the ironing board and Nikki was at the computer . I heard my dad say " I am so proud of you for going out there and changing the world . You will have a lot to write about when they tell you to write what you did over your summer vacation " I turned around to answer my dad , but we was not here . Those word that I heard today were the last coherent words he spoke to Nikki . Anyway last night everyone was gone and Rusty said that he was staying after work to cook out with the guys . Then four marines walk in . They said what 's for dinner ? I just looked at them / I had no idea that they were coming home . Then Rusty showed up ! So much for a nice calm evening of sewing . Oh well it was good to see everyone . I do not usually get to se the marines during the week . I have finished another quilt for one of the marines . I will take a picture of it once I give it her . I must admit that while I love to quilt , it also brings me great sadness . I am making yet another round of quilts for yet more of our friends that will be leaving for Iraq . I would to make them quilts just because . Maybe one day I will be able to make some baby quilts for them . That is once they have settled down with and started a family of their own . Yesterday I got Nikki up and took her to McDonalds for a cheeseburger . Nikki said that she does not want to see chicken or rice for a very long time , so she requested McDonalds ! LOL Nikki said the children that stick out in her mind were these two little girls that just looked so sad . She found out that their parents had left them and that their uncle beats them . In one of the pictures you will see a lady holding these girls . Nikki said that what you can 't see is that the older one has a cut on her head from uncle hit her . The cut was sown up with blue thread . Nikki went to these girls and told them that she was once beat by a man that was suppose to protect them . She also told them that they too can over come this . I got a call from Nikkis team leader yesterday . She had to laugh at Nikki because the bus that the group was traveling on kept breaking down . Nikki was always the first one to get back on the bus while everyone else was not to sure about this . The leader also told me that they are going to do another mission trip to Mexico this year . This one has a price tag of only $ 350 dollars , because they are driving down there . The group will be building a church . Nikki is so excited about this trip because she has never been on a building trip before . It was just like a scene right out of the movie forces of nature . I was just amazed at what people buy in the middle of the night . One lady bought a jumbo industrial thing of t . p . Man it must really suck if some one is at home waiting on her . I tried to buy some fabric last night , but their fabri department closed before I got there . Whats that about ? I thought this was a 24 hour wal mart . That 's o . k . I should not be buying fabric while I am trying to stay awake . Then I found Amber and Sam in the Barbie aisle . They also had some of those children recliner chairs , so we all sat in them and played with the toys . Can you believe that we got kicked out of wal mart ? Well we did . So we went back to the church to wait on Nikki . We were all so tired that we fell asleep in the car . We did not wake up until Nikki opened the door ! It was so good to see her . I have not heard to much about the trip . I do know that Nikki was sick most of the trip and that her leader wanted to take her to hospital , but Nikki would not go . Nikki got me a hammock ! I have so been wanting one of those . The reason I want one is because I have never had sex in one . I thought that would be something fun to try . Now I just have to figure out where to hang it so that we won 't scare people while we are trying to have sex in it . I was thinking that I should hang it above the bed . There would have to be studs up there that we could drillonto . Then if we fell out we would at least land on something soft . Now I just have to convince Rusty of this . I am going to go drop off Nikkis cameras and go back to wal mart . I think we are doing tacos for dinner . There is a little local place that has them 2 for $ 1 on Tuesday . Oh crap Nikki will not want that . Nikki said that she does not want to see chicken or rice for a very long time . As many of you know , my life is an open book . There are times in my life when I do not share what is going on . I do not share them because I do not want people to think I am bragging about myself , but I have to tell you what happened today . I opened the letter and I was shocked at what I read . This lady had gone behind a thrift store and had picked up some of the donations that we had dropped off . The lady told me that she was doing that to help make ends meet . inside one of the boxes was home video 's of a baby born in 1997 , and she wanted to return the videos to me . I do not know how she got our address . She said that she found a piece of paper with our address on it in one of the boxes . That is when Amber came out and asked what I was doing . I told her that I found out that a family needed some help and that SHE was going to do something about it . Then we went back inside and started grabbing some meat from the freezer . Amber called me and said " mom , the lady was not home but her husband was . He did not want to take the food at first , but he took it and smiled . Mom I know they needed food . " I try to do the right things and I try to teach my children that random acts of kindness are good . This was the first time I had Amber do it on her own . Usually the girls see my acts and never really say anything . I do hope that Amber learn 's to give . Amber is not a selfish child , but I do not think that children today at taught to look out side the box at the big picture . I want to teach my children to give and to not expect anything in return . Giving is a good thing . Caring for people that you do not know is a good thing . On another note . Nikki called me from Atlanta and she should be in my arms in just a few hours . I just know that my children are going to change the world for the better . I am so jazzed that Nikki will be home today ! She will be landing at lax at 10 : 05 p . m . ! I so want to hug her and hear all about her trip . I also can 't to see her pictures , but I will have to wait a few days until we get the cameras developed ! One of the marines mom sent me a ton of home made soap . Man my bathroom smelled so good . I just love stuff like that . I will have to post her web page when I get it . I did however share the soap with all of the female marines that were here yesterday . I got one of the quilts for the marines finished over the weekend . I will take a picture of it the next time she brings it back . Anyway , some of the other marines said well where is our quilt ? O . K . now hold on a second . I am only one person trying to get 7 quilts done by February . Actually I need to have another one done by August . Anyway , I am trying to use the material that I have , and I was asked to double bat the quilts , so that they would be warmer . I guess I better get busy ! Oh crap I will also have to make some service flags for the marines that do not have yet . Rusty is feeling a little better but his ear 's are still plugged up . I feel so bad for Rusty . We have had to yell at him all weekend . Rusty even said that it was hard to be around a lot of people this weekend because he could not hear what was going on . I guess I have just gotten use to a new normal . Once Rusty lost hearing in his left ear , I just got use to making sure that his right ear was toward me when I talked to him . Now the one good ear is still blocked and he is struggling to hear . I actually got a child support check the other day . It was for a $ 363 . That may sound like a lot , but I will not see another one for 6 months . I could get cash aid and food stamps for the girls , but Rusty will not have any part of that . Rusty said " we will make it and thegirls will grow up knowing that we did it all with out any help " . That they have . Amber has been looking into changing her last names to Nelson . I made everyone wait on the whole name changing thing . Rusty wanted to adopted the girls , but I said no because I wanted the sperm donor to have to pay his child support . Not that he does , but I do not want him to get off the hook . So , now that Amber will be 18 next year , she can just go file the papers and change her name . Today I am going to stay focused . I have a lot of stuff to get done , and I need to take a nap , because today is going to be a long one . Nikki will not get back from LAX until after mid night . I will have to try to get some pictures of her . I so love my Starbucks , and yes I know that I should not go there because they do not support the military . So I found out how to make my own stuff . I hope these will help everyone cool down ! It was in 1995 that Starbucks stores started selling this frozen drink , one of the company 's most successful new products . The Frappuccino is blended with strong coffee , sugar ; a dairy base , and ice . Each one is made to order and each one is guaranteed to give you a throbbing brain freeze if you sip too hard . The drinks come in several different varieties , the most popular of which I 've cloned here for your frontal lobe - pounding ; caffeine - buzzing pleasure . Make double - strength coffee by measuring 2 tablespoons of ground coffee per cup ( serving ) in your coffee maker : The drink will be even more authentic if you use Starbucks beans and grind them yourself just before brewing . Makes 2 " Grande " Drinks COFFEE 3 / 4 cup double - strength coffee , cold 3 tablespoons granulated sugar 1 cup low - fat milk 2 cups ice Make double - strength coffee by brewing with twice the coffee required by your coffee maker : That should be 2 tablespoons of ground coffee per each cup of coffee . Chill before using . To make drink , combine all ingredients in a blender and blend on high speed until ice is crushed and drink is smooth . Pour into two 16 - ounce glasses , and serve with a straw . CARAMEL For this version , add 3 tablespoons of caramel topping to the original recipe and prepare as described . Top each glass with whipped cream and drizzle additional caramel over the whipped cream . MOCHA For this version , add 3 tablespoons Hershey 's chocolate syrup to the original recipe and prepare as described . Top each glass with whipped cream , if desired First served at Wendy 's in 1969 , the Frosty continues as a favorite in fast food shakes , even if it only comes in chocolate flavor : This clone recipe is an improved version of the recipe that appears in the first book , Top Secret Recipes . I 've designed this for just a one - person serving and have reduced the chocolate in the shake so that it 's more like the real thing served today . I find the smaller yield also helps to make the thing blend better : Makes 1 serving 2 cups club soda , chilled 1 / 2 cup sugar 1 / 2 teaspoon kool - aid cherry powdered drink mix 1 / 2 teaspoon maraschino cherry juice 2 1 / 2 cups crushed ice Combine 1 cup of club soda , sugar , cherry powder and the cherry juice in a blender until completely mixed . Add the crushed ice and process until blended smooth . Pour cherry mixture into a pitcher and add the remaining club soda . Stir just to mix then pour into glasses . Posted by For the past few days , I have been e mailing back and forth with Louise . Louise lives in the U . K . and has offered to drive the 70 to London , just she can show Amber around for a night ! Louise , you rock ! Here is the link to her journal http : / / journals . aol . co . uk / louiseb411 / life - as - it - is / As for the pictures I posted yesterday . Amber is the one covered in sand . Sam in the one covering Amber in sand and Ryan is the one playing in the ocean . Rusty finally went to the doctors today and he has a double ear infection . I do hope that the meds kick in soon . Rusty has been so miserable for over a week now . The hard part is that Rusty can 't take a lot of the over counter meds because of his heart and high blood pressure . For those of you who do know Rusty had a massive heart attack and actually flat lined twice . All of this at the age of 37 . Rusty has talking about taking some vacation time . Then house guest from hell bought a boat here in Lake Elsinore . Then Rusty tells me yesterday that his vacation time has been moved back and that actually works out well for him , since the boat will not be ready to go to Oregon until about that time . Now wait just a minute here . I told Rusty and house guest from hell that I was not going to go drive a boat all the way up to Oregon . My idea of a vacation is not be crammed in a truck that smells like ass , just to listen to my children bitch for 16 plus hours , so that we can haul boat for someone else . We will have to see when the time gets closer . I am thinking this would be a good year for separate vacations . Rusty can take Ryan and go to Oregon , and I will go do what I want to do . Nikki will be home very late on Monday and I can 't to see her and to hear all about her trip ! Nikki 's goal is to change the world by helping as many people as she can . I so love that about her . Amber got another sponsor check in the mail yesterday , and she is very happy about that . Now Amber is only $ 24 dollars short of this months payment . I must give Amber credit for doing what ever she has to do to get the job done . I am proud of her for working toward her goals . I took my kite down to the ocean and I had a hard time getting it airborne . There was a large group of marines eating lunch on the beach , and I just know they were watching me . I was going to be damned if I did not get the kite off the ground . Once it was up , it flew all day . I think I want another kite . A big Chinese dragon kite . I love the kite I have now because it is a dragonfly , but I think I am ready to move on . Ryan and I went for a walk on the beach to look for some shells , but did not find any . So we decided to pick up all the trash on the beach . I explained to Ryan why we needed to this and he was like o . k . Ryan has taken to body surfing and bogie boarding ! I am so jazzed . I love the ocean and I love to swim . I think we have found something that both of us like to do . After we were done at the ocean I swung by the animal shelter to pick up the kittens . I do not know the story behind these kittens other then they are small for their age . One of the kittens was cover in its own waste ! The people that owned these kittens must not have taken very good care of them . I will try to get some pictures of them tomorrow . I have a sudden craving for burger king . Lets see . . . . kittens are down for the night , Rusty and Ryan are sleeping , and Amber is with Sam . Yep I am going to burger king . We stopped and had lunch with Rusty . I was so hungry and I was just pigging out . The I turned to grab my drink and I saw a roach sitting on the wall next to me . I jumped up and my chair slid across floor . Rusty and Jake just looked at me . I said " look at the roach " . Rusty and Jake , both put their forks down and grabbed their hats , and out the door we went . That was just so gross ! As for today , well I am not sure what I am going to do . I know I have to do the usual . I got out some material so I could make a quilt , so I might start on that today . I only have about six quilts to get done before February . I spoke to my mom the other day and she mentioned that she and my Aunt have rented a condo for a month down in Mexico . I am thinking about going down there for a few days . I have been to Mexico before and I can take it or leave it , but I am thinking it would be a nice break for me . Of coarse I still need to find out if my sister and hell child will going , I so do not want to be there when they are there . I will need to go apply for my passport . So I have a few details to work out . Sam and Amber got the yard done for me . The city should be by today to check and see if I cut my weeds down . Rusty said that I should go sit on the front porch and wait for them . I do not think so . We have been hitting record breaking heat , so I will not be sitting on my front porch all day ! I was looking at Jessica Parkers new line of clothing when I saw this picture . I love her hair . I just wish I could see the back of her hair . I just know with my curls that this hair style would look so cute on me . Nikki is gone , Amber was out with Sam and another friend . I was stuck at home with Ryan . I told Ryan to turn the video games off and that he was not going to spend his summer playing video games and watching t . v . I sure hope that today is not what I have to look forward to . None of the children in the neighborhood will play with Ryan . O . K . Ryan will not play with them , and I can 't blame him , since all of the children pick on him . So he sat on the floor and stared at the wall . Then he will go outside and skip the length of the yard , and then it is back to staring at the wall . I went to talk to my neighbor who has a daughter with c . p . and I told her what was going on . She said that the t . v . and the video games are the only friends that they really have . What else can we do ? We can 't force the other children to be nice to him . I can 't force him to go hiking , or surfing , or any of the other things that I want to go do . So where does that leave me ? Stuck at home all day ? I am just thankful that summer school will be starting soon and at least he will be in class with all of his friends from this year . I had no adult conversation all day and I won 't have any tonight . Right now is the time when I would love to have a job . At least I would have someone to talk to . A few weeks ago George and I were sitting on the porch swing and I told her that I had always wanted a rose garden . So this weekend everyone made me a rose garden . I was just so thrilled that they took the time to do this for me . I have such awesome children ! I do have a lot of little things that I need to get done today . Just the usual Monday stuff , nothing to exciting . I am going to break down and go chop down all of the " weeds " before the city comes back to inspect . I do hope that they were an eye sore for the lady that reported us . Our friends that live in Iowa called yesterday and they want Amber to come out for a few weeks . Amber is thinking about going out there . Amber is still working at the same little pizza joint and they have really cut her hours , so she is not making that much money . Amber so wants a new job . We are going to have to sit down and talk about all of this . OH Amber made $ 200 at her yard sale this weekend ! I am so proud of her for doing it with out me pushing her . We figured it up and she will need to make $ 244 a month so that she can pay for her trip . One of the kittens that I was doing foster care for is back . The kittens were still to young to get fixed so we brought Fluffy back here so that he could grow a little bit more . The other kitten is in foster care with the lady that is going to adopt her . I am just so happy that they survived . Well enough about my boring life . It is time for me to get moving . If it gets to hot today I think I am going to go to the lake and worship the sun god . Well , as you can see from the pictures Rusty got me some earrings for my birthday . I love silver and dragonflies . So Rusty found some silver dragonfly earrings . The wings are Amethyst and the body has diamonds . They are perfect . Yes , I finally got to go rock climbing . I must tell you that my ass is not that big . Those are not good pictures of me ! That is o . k . because I had a blast rock climbing . Oh I also got to repel . That was fun . Then I lost my footing and was spinning on a little rope high above the ground . The guys on the ground had eyes as big as saucers , and I was just laughing . I thought that was cool ! I would just like to say to everyone out there who might think that 37 is old . . . . . you are so wrong . I am 37 and I am ready to conquer the world . To everyone including my husband who thinks that all vegans are these weak little people . . . . . you are wrong . And yes Rusty and I had that conversation over the weekend ! After we were done rock climbing I asked the guys to take me back to where Rusty was . Rusty was in the middle of a bunch of guys just working his ass off . Then he saw me walking up . Rusty 's eyes lit up and he just smiled . That meant the world to me . It is nice to know that just the sight of me can still bring a smile to his face . Rusty is for work , so yesterday I hung out with him . It was a good thing that I did . Rusty is sick again and the tent sale was a huge success ! They sold $ 34 , 000 worth of gear yesterday . We did have record breaking here yesterday . We hit a high of 110 degrees . I did not think that it felt that bad . The only thing that I did not like was the fact that the wind was blowing so much that the sand and gravel would be hitting us . There is a huge training exercise going on out here . I was shocked at the number of people that I have seen . We have marines from Hawaii and a lot from the east coast . The army is actually here as well . I guess they think they can play with the big boys . There is also an ass load of navy . Today I am going to go rock climbing . Rusty is not to happy about this . he is worried that I will get hurt , but I am not worried . I broke down today and turned on the air conditioner . Rusty will be happy . He likes the house so cold that we can hang meat in it . I do not mind the heat , but I did not want him to complain that the house was hot . For now I put my anger aside . I had to keep my eye on her trip . I think we now have everything . Her bag is packed , and her room is clean . Amber 's Sam is going to take her to the church tomorrow . I asked one of my friends to come over and pray for Nikki . So she will be here about 4 . This lady is just a power house in prayer . Amber said that she did not want to stay with Ryan on Thursday night . I just gave her a look of whatever . Then she explained to me that she was scared to be here by herself . Our friend Beth is going to come spend the night with her . Rusty said that he has had enough of Amber . When we get back from 29 Palms he is going to take her shooting and teach her how to use a firearm . Then she will be some type of self defense class . My children often me random questions . Today was one of those days . One of them asked me why I sew quilts for pet . I said why not ? Our pets have their quilts and it is better then wasting our scrap material . Then the other one said why did you choose to make animals your cause . That is a good question . I finally said because I want to be their voice and I showed them this video . http : / / brightlion . com / InHope / InHope _ en . aspx I was asked why I was going to Marshalltown Iowa . Well some of dear friends got transfers there . I miss their triplets so much ! Sometimes I really hate the marine corps because they take our friends away . So I am going to visit them in October . I figure the leaves will be changing by then and it won 't be to cold . Here is a picture of the triplets . I am going to spend today getting ready to head out to the dessert ! I so love the desert . We are going back to 29 Palm for the weekend . Rusty has tent sale going on out there and it is my birthday weekend , so I am going to run away with him . I am suppose to go rock climbing this weekend but I have not heard from the guys yet , so if they do not call then I am just going to hang out and do my own thing . Amber asked me last night how old I was going to be . I very proudly said I will be 37 . Then Amber asked me if I felt old . i told her no because I only get better with age . It just now hit me . This will be the first year that my dad will not call me and say happy birthday . This will be the first year that I will not call my dad and say happy fathers day , or wish him a happy birthday . My dad was born on June 19 , and I was born on June 16 . I once asked Rusty if it gets easier . He said it does except you never stop missing them . Damn it I want my dad . Why couldn 't someone on death row die instead of my dad . I have a call into Nikkis school . I talked to the teacher from last night . Not only was the bus an hour late getting back to the school , but one of the other children 's mom was in a car accident . The dad sat there waiting for an hour while his wife was in the e . r . All of the other parents have said that they want everyone to go easy on the children . I just got back from Nikki 's school . They only gave her a 1 day suspension ! And that was today ! They said that if the suspended here for the whole 5 days that she would be dropped from school . My exact words were " You are so full of shit . It is apublic school and you HAVE to educate her . This is why the schools have the problems that they do . You guys never follow through with anything . Nikki get your ass in the car . " I slammed the door behind me . Nikki has been giving me attitude all day . The sad thing is she is up at Disney ! So yes I am getting attitude over the phone . We started argue about what time she needs to be home . Nikki still needs to clean her room and pack for her trip . Then it hit me . I am arguing with a 15 year old ! I very calmly said " Nikki you are so good at running your life . I think that you should do whatever you want to do . If your room is not cleaned when you leave then I will just throw everything away . So anything that is not in your dresser or on a hanger will be thrown away . I hope you have a great time at Disney " Then I get a call from Nikki 's teacher . She was late getting to the bus to leave disney . So her and a group of kids are going to be suspended for 5 days at the start of the next school year . I told the teacher who by the way is a former marine . Anyway I told the teacher to pull the bus over and kick the shit out of Nikki . He said that he could not do that , I told him that I gave him my permission . First thing in the morning I am going to go down to Nikki 's school and make sure that her suspension sticks . I am hoping for an in school suspension , but if it is not then Rusty said that Nikki would be going to work with him . Nikki will get the great pleasure of spending the first week of high school on suspension . Oh that is right . My give a damn button is broken . I guess every teenager needs to get a degree from the school ofhard knocks . I asked Rusty if his dad played game or just beat his ass . He just said yes . My parents did both . Last night I was just so worn out . I did not want to cook dinner or do anything . So I made Ryan something simple for dinner . Then Rusty comes into the kitchen and says that he does not feel good . He was burning up with fever . Rusty requested something to eat , so I made it for him and then he went to lay down . I gave him some Tylenol and I kept placing cold towels on him in hopes that his fever would break . Once he got to sleep I walked through the house and turned off all of the lights and headed for a bath . I sank into a nice bubble bath and said " o . k . Lord please show me how to stretch my last $ 50 to cover everything that I still need to buy " . Then I went to bed . Then I took a chance and called the bank and asked to speak to the branch manager . I finally got our funds released except the actually amount that the irs wants . Yes , finally I caught a break . I called Rusty to tell him the good news and he told me to pull all of the money out of the accounts . Right . . . . . that was not going to happen . I would be leaving the bank with a large brown bag . Now if that does not scream rob me I do not know what does ! I only took out $ 400 . I headed down to base . I had to stop and pick up a girlfriend , she is going to adopt one of the kittens . Then we went to the shelter . I was so sad to be giving the kittens back , but I know that they are going to good home . While I was down there I volunteered to help rescue animals . Then I volunteered my friend ! We are going to Thelma and Louise . We will be going into high kill shelters and getting their animals on death row . I left base and I had to start running around getting the last of Nikkis stuff together for her trip . I now have a mental list going . Wal mart , Avon store , and the post office to mail in the last of her money . Oh shit , I forgot that Ryan had a field trip today , so I will also need to pick him up . Now I am on a short time schedule . Nikki calls me and asks me to call her school and have someone added to her pick up list . O . K . I am a talented mom , however I can 't drive , smoke , write and talk all at the same time . So I called Amber had her act like she was me and had her get all of this done for me . O . K . I am running late . I have time to get a money order , and then go to the post office . I also managed to squeeze in some time to go to the Avon store . Then it was off to get Ryan . Got Ryan and headed off to wal mart . Then my phone rings . It is the group leader for Nikki 's trip . She sounded so stressed out . I am also frantic because I have a lot to do . I very calmly say " What can I do to make your day go smoother ? " So she tells me and it was nothing major , so I was able to help her . I finally get to wal mart and I am on a mission . I swear if one person got in my way I was going to run them over ! I finally got everything and I decided to head back to fabric section to take a quick look . I bent down to look at something and I stood up I almost passed out . Oh shit ! I had not eaten yet today . I make a bee line to check out and then to McDonalds for something to eat . I have food and all of my running around done . I now have to jump on the Nikki roller coaster . Tonight is Nikki 's 8th grade dinner dance . I had to hurry up and get home so I could help her do her hair , and make up , and then get dressed . Our friend CJ was going with Nikki to the dance . Not as a date but as a chaperone . Anyway , CJ shows up and he jumps into the shower . I now have only 30 minutes to finish getting Nikki ready and to get CJ into his blues . I somehow made that deadline . Oh crap Rusty is now on his way home from work , and I have nothing ready for dinner . Hmmm , I jumped back into the car and headed to kfc . There is nothing that screams I love like dinner from a bucket . I cleaned up around the house a little bit and then I just ran out of steam . I to tired to upload pictures . I am to tired to care if my house is a mess . I am just tired . Here are some side notes . Yes I forgot to take pictures of all the pet quilts I dropped off today . Amber went and bought Nikki some clothes for her trip . . . . with her own money , and Rusty was shock that I spent $ 300 and did not really have much to show for it . Once we got to talking this song popped in to my head . " were corn don 't grow " . I can remember as a teenager wanting out of the corn fields . I want to be anywhere but there . I kept listening to this song . Then my dad said " you need to listen to the end of the song , hard times will follow you " . Boy , was he right . I sat here this afternoon wondering how different my life would be if I had stayed where I grew up . Would I have ended up working in steel mill , or buying that little farm house that I use to like . Who would I have settled down with , and how different would my life be today ? I guess I will never know . Do I regret running from there as fast as I could ? Sometimes . Sometimes I wish I would have stayed closer so that I could have been around more before my dad died . I do miss seeing a thunder storm roll across the sky . I really miss seeing the leaves change colors in the fall . I have learned one thing . You can never go home . My home is here in southern California . That place in Illinois , well that is where my parents live . I said " CJ when I first met you , you were very uptight . You about jumped out of your skin and you spilt your beer when I grabbed your ass . Now you are out skinny dipping " Side note . . . . CJ was in uniform and his ass just looked so good ! Cj said " Yes I am finally staring to let go and starting to enjoy life " . I was so happy to hear that ! As for some of the comments about me skinny dipping . No I do not have a perfect body , but I do not care . This is me flaws and all . I would love to go skinny dipping in the dead sea . The dead sea is on my list of things to see before I die . OH I almost forgot . Dustin took me for a ride on his Harley and George said that I looked on the back of his bike . You know I have been told that before . I think my new accessory should be a Harley . I got home everyone was here ready to start their weekend . I however was on a mission to finish one of those tie blankets . I was only making some small one for the pets , but I wanted to finish them . So I grabbed my stuff and went and sat on the porch swing . George comes out and say " what are you doing mom " and sits down . Now George is not her real name . We call her George because her real name is Nikki and we have a Nikki already . So , I show her what I am doing and she starts helping me . Then she says " I can do this " So off to wal mart we went and last night she made her own rag tied quilt . George was so proud of herself and I was so proud of her . When George was almost done she asked everyone to come tie one so that way everyone could say that they helped ! So we all got naked and headed out to the cars . Then it hit us . There were only two sober people . So we ended up putting one person in the trunk ! That was so funny , especially sine he is on of the tallest guys here . Then I discover that the car I driving has no radio . So I told every to start singing . Well that did not turn out how I expected since all of the drunks were singing different songs . Then they finally found one that they all knew . . . . amazing grace . No I thought that was wrong on so many levels . A bunch of drunks heading to the lake to go skinny dipping and they were singing amazing grace ? Today I am going to try to clean up a little and then who knows . We take our days as they come around here . I like it that way . OH CJ and Beth were so nice and they brought me a carton of smokes ! We are still working on getting the money released and we need it done soon . I have to finish paying off Nikki 's trip . It is only 104 dollars , but I do not have that as any pocket change . I know that somehow , someway , it will get paid by Wednesday . I cleaned out the closet and I am still here to talk about it . That is amazing ! I started pulling boxes off the top shelf . I thought I have no idea what is even these boxes , so should I just pitch them ? One box had a bunch of nice lady suits in it . Won 't be needing those . So I threw that box out the door . The rest of the boxes were all Rusty 's stuff . I asked him to go through them , but he just said that he wanted all of it . How can you tell you have even touched this stuff in two years ! No sense in arguing , they went back into the closet . I sorted through more of my clothes and got rid of another lawn and leaf bag full of stuff . Then it was on to sorting out my shoes . I have this huge box that I just throw all of them into . I dumped that on the floor . Anything that I did not wear last winter got pitched . Then I actually sorted the shoes by summer and winter . I figure this way it will be easier to get rid of them at the end of the season . Lets face it , if I did not wear them this summer then I do not need them . We finally got a letter from the irs and our bank . the irs is only suppose to hold x amount of dollars . So now Rusty is pissed . He was on the phone with the bank demanding that they release the rest of our checking , savings , and mutual funds . I however am not stressing it . I guess it is different for a guy . Who Knows . Amber got her first response from some of the sponsor letters that she has been passing out . Amber was so excited to see the check ! I was happy for her . It restored some of her faith . I have to take Nikki shopping to go get the rest of her stuff for her trip . I need to buy her some sandals , hard candy , and some odds and ends for first aid kit . CJ said that he has a complete first aid kit that she can have , so we just need to add a few things to it . Oh I have to go to the avon store and buy their bug repellant . Then I will be done ! Amber asked Nikki yesterday if she had enough skirts for her trip and Nikki said no . Amber said " Well I get paid on Friday , I will take you down to the good will and buy you some outfits for the trip " . I was blown over . That was very nice of Amber . So Nikki calls me today and asks me to pick her up from school . She is worn out and needs to study for her math final . O . K . why not . Then she says to me " Mom I can 't figure this problem out " . I look at it and I just felt so stupid . I know that I never did that type of math when I was her age . So to not let her know that I had no clue what was going on I looked at the problem and said " Well baby take the multiple guess answers and start plugging them in until you get one that is right " . It worked . My goal for today was to get the back room cleaned up . I finally got that done . Why do I bother cleaning it when it will be trashed tomorrow ? Oh well at least it is clean . Now I think I am going to go start on a good cleaning of our room . I need to pull everything out of my 1 / 4 of the closet and get rid of a lot of stuff . As for Rusty 's 3 / 4 well a bomb would make it look better , but what can a wife do ? I would like to get outside and get some yard work done , but I think I am going to let my " weeds " grow until the very last day that I an go . This way the bitch that complained about about " weeds " will have to look at them . I know I should take the high ground and just go cut them but I just don 't feel like it . So I called the IRS . They were less then helpful . It turns out that they not only froze our account but also took about $ 1 , 000 out of it . I worked for this military charity a few years ago and according to my pay stub they were taking out taxes . The charity never sent the money to the IRS . We contacted the charity and they said that the accountant that was working there is no longer working there , but that they would correct the situation . That was the last I heard about it until yesterday . She was right . All of our bills are paid , and we have food . I have gone longer with a lot less , so why was I stressing out over it ? CJ has been building a cat tree for me . This thing is going to be huge and I can 't wait for it to be done . I just know that the big cats will be so happy . I got some really bad news this morning . I just can 't talk about it right now . Not until we work everything out . However I will share the news in the future , so that someone else might learn from what I am going through . Last night was just filled with blessings . I went and picked up some stuff that someone else was giving away . Then the lady asked me if I would like any of the other stuff . Amber and I just looked at each other . These people had a garage full of stuff . This will really help Amber out as she has been trying to gather stuff for another yard sale . Nikki 's mission trip leader called me and told me that the church gave her $ 250 for her trip and that she also raised another $ 50 ! Cool , that means that Nikki only needs to raise $ 174 more . Not a problem . Then this morning we had a meeting at Ryan 's school . We got everything that we wanted ! I am so happy for Ryan . If Rusty and I do not fight for what is best for him , then no one will . My mom actually e mailed Rusty and asked him what I would like for my birthday . That is a good question . My mom said that she did not want to send a gift card , but with her living so far away . . . Anyway , I have been wanting to go kayaking , so I am going to do some research and see if she might be able to get me a gift card to go kayaking . Nikki is coming home today ! I can 't wait to see her . I know that she had a blast up in Oregon . Oh ! Nikki was in LaGrand , I guess that is in eastern Oregon . As you can see from the pictures we had a typical weekend here . Do you like our floor painting ? Someone got Amber some sidewalk chalk and paint . Then Amber remembered that we have cement floors . I told her that they could only draw on the floors as long as they made body outlines . Oh the joys of living with our family ! The guy that is a markered up was the first one to pass out . So everyone had fun with him . I am glad that he has a sense of humor . He did not like the fact that we wrote usmc all over his leg . . . . . but then again he is a sailor . LOL Sunday I went and got my poarch swing ! I am so happy with it . So beth and i go up to Lowes and I find the swing that I want and it is on sale ! i just love a sale . However we could not find a cart to put this huge box in . So finally get it paid for and we are heading out the door when we spot a dolly . So we throw the swing on the dolly and off to the truck we go . We get the swing loaded and then we look at the dolly and load it up as well . We get back and Rusty says , well let me see this swing and walks out to the truck . He grips the side of the truck and just shakes his head . He can 't believe that we brought the dolly home ! I am not allowed to play with Beth any more . I tried loading the pictures of the swing , but they would not load , so I will try tomorrow . Our house is trashed and I really need to get busy cleaning it up . I slept in until 10 a . m . and now I feel so far behind . Just a quick note . Note Amber did not toast a dog for me ! O . K . I did not use spell check ! b LOL Rusty has said that dog was good , so hey . . . . . Amber is 17 today ! I cannot believe it . it does not seem all that long ago . I was living in Hawaii when i had her . Amber was born was crash c section and she was blue . I did not find out until the next day that she was also born with group b strep . It is a miracle that she is still here . Last night Kevin and I went to wal mart to get the gift card and there was this big bin of jumbo size candy . I made Kevin help me dig through this bin until I found lemon heads . Then I wrote I love you all over the box and placed the box of candy on Rusty 's steering wheel . I do not remember the whole story behind the lemon heads , but I had sent him a care package and in side were some lemon heads . Rusty told me that they brought back a childhood memory . Last night I got hit with some type of bug . My stomach is so cramped up . I could get nothing to come up . I laid on the bed just wishing I vomit . At least then I would have a reason to have these cramps . I finally took some gas pills and a strong pain killer . That lasted for two hours . I feel like shit . My stomach hurts . It hurts to sit , stand , or lay . We were all suppose to go to the beach today but that is not happening now . I told Amber that her and Sam could still go . I however am going back to bed . This sucks . Oh crap I still have to make Ambers birthday cake . I will do that this afternoon . Right now some pain killers and my bed are calling to me . Amber just toasted a beagle and that smell is turning my stomach . I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go ! |
By Sara Teasdale Ah , the weekend is here again , and it looks to be a great one weather - wise . I 'm looking forward to heading out to the fruit stand on Saturday and Sunday I will probably just rest up . Thanks for all the compliments about my Miss Minga . For those who don 't know , my baby will be 21 in July . I 've had her since she was a baby . Our neighbor 's cat gave birth to four kittens . They were such wee little things . Hubby and I loved the mama cat , and when the kittens were old enough , we used to bring them to our place to play . One day our neighbor was outside bragging about how he used to beat them up . I was livid when I heard . As soon as hubby and I got the chance , we stole all four of the kittens and found them homes . We 'd already chosen to keep Miss Minga so it was a matter of placing the other three . Miss Minga has been with us ever since . She and I have literally grown old together . Seems like summer has arrived . Predictions of going up into the 90 's . Yikes ! ! ! ! It is too soon for that . Don 't know if I am ready for that . Spent the last few days racing through the rain drops . Yesterday it was only a shower on my way home from work , but on Tuesday , by the time I got home , my toes were all shriveled from being wet so long . It is so , so good to see the sun . Just not looking forward to the humidity that is supposed to go along with it . Hubby had a hard time of it . He 's a man who has always been on the go , and it is hard for him to give up the things he once enjoyed . . . like his long walks to the park on hot summer days . I told someone the other day I would post a picture of Miss Minga , and here it is . This is my girl . Love her with all my heart . It 's totally official now . My job is being posted . Officially I have 31 days to go , but I also have nine sick days to use up and a holiday in between . As I sit here procrastinating , wishing I didn 't have to go , I 'm thrilled with the thought of being free , of being able to sleep as late as I wish and decide for myself if I want to go out in the bad weather or not . Breakfast has not been a big thing in my house as we both had jobs and usually ate out because there was no time to eat in the morning . But , now I have been hoarding recipes of special and healthy breakfast treats . I can 't wait , but oddly , now as I am anxiously awaiting something , time has slowed to a standstill . . . much like when I was a child awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus . I always said that time passes to quickly ; well , now it is just the opposite . But , that is okay , too , for it is nice to have something to look forward to . May you all have a great day . Everything we do , everything we are , rests on our personal power . If we have enough of it , one word is enough to change the course of our lives . If we don 't , the most magnificent piece of wisdom can be revealed to us and that revelation won 't make a damn bit of difference . Do you know that at this very moment you are surrounded by eternity ? And do you know you can use that eternity , if you so desire ? Do you know that you can extend yourself forever in any direction and use it to take the totality of yourself forever in any direction ? Do you know that one moment can be eternity ? If you had enough personal power , my words alone would serve as a means to round up the totality of yourself and get to the crucial part of it out of the boundaries in which it is contained . From ' Tales of Power ' The above is the only book I have left of the series written by Carlos Castaneda . It is beaten up , to be sure , and the cover was destroyed years ago . For some reason , this is the one I couldn 't let go . Castaneda died of liver cancer in 1999 , but in the 60 's , he was ' the man ' , the ' godfather of the New Age . ' I guess perhaps it might be a reminder of my youth . I came of age with the teachings of this man . I was in my 20 's and working at an answering service during the evening hours . By 7 pm the place quieted down and we all brought out our books and whatever else we had to occupy our time . There was a young woman who worked there . We always seemed to grab the boards next to each other . I remember her name was Adriane , and she was very deep into Castenada 's teachings . She was such a believer . At the time , I was very much into the Rosicrucians and was taking both their astrology and philosophy course , but the covers on Adriane 's books looked so inviting . She began to talk to me about his teachings , and before I knew it , I was reading his books right along with her . They now say that his writings were a hoax . Well , I knew they were all along . I read his books not because I believed his far - fetched tales , but because I liked some of the things he had to say . His words were meaningful . Judge for yourself . " The aim is to balance the terror of being alive with the wonder of being alive . " Dwelling upon the self too much produces terrible fatigue . A man in that position is deaf and blind to everything else . The fatigue itself makes him cease to see the marvels all around . Had a great weekend , made even greater by having an extra day off . Did my food shopping and cooking on Saturday . On Sunday I went searching for some , what I call , ' retirement clothes ' ; that is , clothes that are not to be worn to work . In that department , my closet is bare . I found three very plain little sundresses for hot days and a pair of shorts . The dresses are perfect for lounging around the house or , with a piece of costume jewelry , out to the park . It is an awful picture , but they are actually really very pretty , nice and soft and a wee bit shiny . This is all I plan on buying . Have to hold onto my money , and I have plenty of little tops and skirts that I wore to work that I can now wear to the senior center . Yesterday I dug out the George Foreman for an indoor cookout . We had ribs and chicken , potato salad , corn on the cob , and a watercress and cucumber salad with a homemade Balsamic Vinaigrette . I am a potato salad lover , but I 'm the only one who eats it , so I make it rarely . For dessert , we had blueberry pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and a strawberry on top for the red , white , and blue . Needless to say , I ate too much . After getting my clothes ready for the work week , I settled down in my chair and read . . . and read . . . and read . This time I found a great fiction trilogy by Mary Gilgannon . ' The Silver Wheel ' . The trilogy includes : ' Lady of the Moon ' , ' The Raven of Death ' and ' The Silver Wheel ' . Set in ancient Celtic Britain during the period of the Roman invasion , the book relates the story of a young Drui - in - training whose gifts of vision have been passed down from the ' Old Ones ' via her matrilineal line . The adventure begins when our heroine has a vision warning of death and destruction for her people and sets out with two friends , one gifted in traveling to the spirit world , and the other , a young warrior who is in love with her , to save her people from the Roman invaders . " The book is steeped in Celtic philosophy and mystical belief , and also On another note , I do believe we have a haunting in the apartment upstairs . The people upstairs moved out awhile ago . I think they had no choice , if you ask me . One day when I was in my apartment I heard a commotion in the lobby , and , of course , nosey person that I am , I had to look and see what was going on . It was two women arguing , one the woman from upstairs , and the other woman was yelling about her son . The super 's wife was there as well , and I heard her tell the woman who lived upstairs that she 'd better start controlling her son , that the next time she would call the police . Shortly after that , they moved out . Well , the men have long finished with the painting and whatever else they do to make the apartment ready for the next person , but no one has yet to move in . One evening I heard someone moving around upstairs , and I asked hubby if someone had moved in . " Not that I know of " , he responded . The telltale sign that he was right was the lack of the sound of a toilet flushing . Yes , I know that sounds crazy , but in this building we have these high powered toilets that sound like they are about to take off when one flushes them . If I am quiet , I can here the toilet on floor three flushing . When the toilet upstairs from me is flushed , it sounds as if it is coming from my house . ( So much for bathroom privacy ) . So , to make a long story short , there is NO ONE living upstairs , yet on several occasions I have heard someone moving around up there . The latest was Sunday night , or should I say Monday morning around 3 am . I heard footsteps enter the bedroom , move about , then exit to nowhere . . . and I mean nowhere . They virtually disappeared when the exited the bedroom . There has been nothing ever since . Strange happenings , indeed . I always love the Friday before a long holiday weekend , especially when it 's a pay week . It means that that even though pay weeks are cooking weekends , I will still have two days of rest . Didn 't get my blood taken yesterday . I 'm beginning to think the Universe is trying to tell me something . First it was the EKG machine not working when I go for the test . . . this after being misdirected and sent to the other side of the hospital to admitting where I waited almost an hour before being told I was in the wrong place . Then , it was back to where I started from only to find that the machine was not working . So , you guessed it . Back to admitting so I can be tested by the machine upstairs . Then , Monday rolls along . The most important of the lab tests have not been done . These are the tests that show whether or not I am a bleeder . The doctor explained that this is very important when it comes to the lungs . The doctor apologizes and gives me another referral to the lab . It was then that the following conversation between doctor and nurse ensued . . . Nurse : ' Definitely . Leave it up to me . ' ( to me now ) ' I am going to be in on Thursday from 8 am to 4 : 30 pm . Come between those hours and come immediately to see me . I 'll take care of you . ' Fast forward to yesterday . Now , mind you , the lab is two blocks from my home . Walking distance . Once I am done there , I walk two blocks to a bus which takes me to the train . Very easy trip . I have to take a taxi to get to the hospital as there is no buses from my home that go directly there . I 'd prefer the lab rather than spending money I don 't have , but this blood work is important . So , I opt for the nurse . Yesterday , I walk into the clinic and find it packed with people . No problem , I thought . They are all there to see one of the doctors . I am only here for the nurse . I explain to the front desk what I am there for , and she asked for my referral form . No problem . I hand it to her and take a seat . 15 minutes pass , 30 minutes , 45 minutes . There is no sign of the nurse in question . ' Did something happen and she took off today ? ' I wonder . Now I am beginning to get anxious . I go back to the desk and am told that the nurse has my form . I take a seat again . 60 minutes pass . Finally , I see the nurse in question and approach her . She looks at me like she doesn 't know who I am as I explain why I am there . ' Where 's your referral form ? ' she asks , not too pleasantly I may add . I explain that I handed it in to the front desk . ' Without that form , I can 't do anything . ' She turns and walks away . ' Don 't you remember me ? ' I call out , but she just keeps walking as if I am some insignificant nothing . I am furious now , but I take a seat again . Now we are reaching an hour and a half . The lady at the front desk calls me . ' Finally , ' I sigh , relieved , but instead of instructing me to go to the back , she hands me a referral to go to the lab , the very same lab I was originally referred to . By now my pressure is through the roof , and I am ready to explode . On the way out of the hospital , I tell my story to anyone who will listen . A nice hospital worker tells me he is having a bad day to and offers to listen , " You tell me yours , and I will tell you mine , " he says . ( Turns out they took too much in taxes from his pay check . ) I also told the security guard , two patients , and the lady at the information desk . I had to get it off my chest . In the afternoon I left a message for my doctor and typed up a letter of complaint against the hospital . Needless to say , I 've pretty much used up all my sick time and had I headed back to the lab , there would have been no sense in going to work . And I need my days for the biopsy . Whichever way I look at it , it waNevertheless , this is a holiday weekend , and I am going to brush the above out of my mind and enjoy . On Monday , I 'm going to whip out the George Foreman and grill some chicken and hamburgers . We 'll have some salads and ice cream and celebrate life in honor of those who gave their lives so that we may be free to celebrate . Enjoy , my friends . Wishing you all a Happy Memorial Day Weekend . Hope for a great sea - change On the far side of revenge . Believe that a further shore Is reachable from here . Believe in miracles And cures and healing wells . believe in healing ? Yes ! I believe . Well , I am off to get my blood drawn before work . . . . . again . This is the second week in a row . I am not the spring chicken I once was , and all this running around is catching up to me . Hope you all have a wonderful day . Posted by " Inches from my bed and from each other stood the terrarium and a clock . While life in the terrarium flourished , time ticked away its seconds . But the relationship between time and the snail confused me . The snail would make its way through the terrarium while the hand of the clock barely moved - - so I thought the snail traveled faster than time . Then , absorbed in snail watching , I 'd find that time had flown by , unnoticed . The above is an excerpt from the latest book I am reading , " The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating " by Elizabeth Tova Bailey . In all honesty , I probably would not have purchased this book by title alone , but after reading a review it sounded interesting , and I decided to give it a try if I found it on Kindle . It was , and you know the rest . I downloaded the sample chapter and bought the book before I even finished reading it . Since that time , it has been hard to put it down . Then , quite unexpectedly , a friend brings her a pot of violets in which she had placed a small , woodland snail . Disturbed , at first , that the creature had been moved from its natural habitat , the author begins to watch it move and becomes fascinated with its journeys . Eventually , her caretaker moves the snail into a terrarium where it settles and lays eggs . The snail is mostly silent , but during the night , in the silence of her room , the author can sometimes hear it munching on the flower petals . What follows is a wonderful story of survival and resilience as the finds comfort in its company and begins to study it , drawing drawing strength and inspiration from this tiny little creature which gave her a reason to go on . This book gives one a great appreciation for life and reminds us how much we miss when we forget to slow down . If you haven 't read it , do so . It will give you an appreciation of what it means to be fully alive . There is a certain depth of illness that is piercing in its isolation ; the only rule of existence is uncertainty , and the only movement is the passage of time . One can not bear to live through another loss of function , and sometimes friends and family can not bear to watch . An unspoken , unbridgeable divide may widen . Even if you are still who you were , you cannot actually fully be who you are . Sometimes the people you know well withdraw , and then even the person you know as yourself begins to change . There were times when I wished that my viral invader had claimed me completely . How much better to live an exuberant life and then leave as one exits a party , simply opening a door and stepping out . Instead , the virus took me to the edge of life and then left me trapped in its pernicious shadow , with symptoms that , barely tolerable one day , become too severe the next , and with the unjustness of unexpected relapses , that , overnight , erased years of gradual improvement . I told my boss yesterday that I am leaving , and he broke down in tears . I knew he would feel the loss , but I didn 't expect him to take it that hard . We 've worked together for 13 years now , first in my previous job and this one now . He was totally understanding and told me he was expecting it . He said , " I realize how stressful it is here , and I know you are not well . I knew I was going to lose you , but I kept hoping I didn 't . " We then sat and chatted about the other staff members and the various health problems they are having since we moved to this new office , and he admitted he is fearful of losing more of his staff , but he doesn 't know what to do . The problem is is that there is no place to find any serenity there , no place to just be alone and take a few deep breaths to get yourself together . We 're sitting in little cubicles of four with no barrier to keep clients away . And as many times as you tell them to go to the front desk and call , it goes in one ear and out the other . Needless to say , I am glad it is out in the open . I didn 't fare too well at the doctors . It seems the lab , an outside lab , lost the most important test for my medical clearance . Being that the lungs are involved , it is super important that I am not a bleeder , and that is the test that will show it . The nurse told me she would be in early on Thursday , and she will draw my blood so I don 't have to go back to the lab . All this running around is taking its toll . My blood pressure is still up , and now I sit and wonder if all this is happening for a reason . Remember the fiasco with the EKG ? And now the lost vial of blood . I know I need this biopsy but I have to wonder why so much is going wrong . My ear has been plugged up for several days now , the first time in 66 years I ever had a problem with my ears . According to the doctor , I have a huge ball of wax in there . She told me to get Debrox drops , and in case there is no improvement in two days , she gave me a referral to an ENT . It seems like there is always something now that I am older . Hubby didn 't fare well at his doctor 's appointment either . His emphysema is bad . He is getting no air at the bottom of his lungs , and there is nothing that can be done at this point except to make him comfortable . The pulmonologist was angry that his doctor did not follow up on this since he was hospitalized in 2009 . Had he been placed on medication and monitored , the process could have slowed . So , now he has been placed on a number of medications , will begin therapy to learn breathing exercises , and , if no improvement with these medications , oxygen . Retirement cannot come soon enough . Too much time is being wasted now , too much time apart . I honestly don 't know why I didn 't start this process sooner . I guess I hated to give up , or perhaps I had a fear of reaching another stage of my life . But , since that time I have come to realize that retirement is not an ending , it is a new beginning . Fifty - one years ago I stepped into my first job , and now I am ending my last one . Life has come full circle . One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us Monday morning rolls around , and they are predicting a rainy week . I do hate setting off to work on those rainy mornings , especially now that they have the AC on . No fun sitting in wet clothes all day . Oh , well , what is it that they say ? ' April showers , bring May flowers . ' So , they are off by a month . Speaking of flowers . . . This is my building , and these are the two flower beds I was telling you about . I sure do wish they would finish . It has become a real eye sore . I bought some cherries , sweet plums , black seedless grapes , strawberries , apricots , and a few donut peaches . Not bad price wise either . Along with some fruit juice , sour cream , and baking potatoes , the whole lot cost me $ 23 . Also made a trip to Rite Aid . My ear has been plugged for a couple of days so I went to buy some ear wax cleaner . Never had this problem before . Of course , I couldn 't come home without a couple of sweet scented candles . I 'm going to have a sit - down with my bosses today and inform them that I will be leaving the end of June , early July . I did want to wait , but I saw a new intake in my box on Friday . I would have told them then , but didn 't want to put a damper on the festivities . At this point I want to be concentrating on my caseload , getting charts in order , discharging who is ready to go , and helping clients deal with feelings of separation that I know are going to come up . I don 't need to deal with anyone ' new ' right now . The graduation went without a hitch , but it was a long , long day . 12 hours . It was especially meaningful to me because it was my last one . The client I had mentioned did show up , and I simply said , " And the following client always has a smile and a ' hello ' for everyone . I 've never heard a grumpy word come out of him . I wish him well as he moves on to the next stage . " Then , I called him up to accept his certificate . Angry as I was about this , it wasn 't directed against him . He is such a sweet man , and I fear that we have done him a disservice . I only want the best for him as I do all of my clients . Tonight I see the doctor for medical clearance . It 's getting close now . I 'd have less fear at this point if it were a simple biopsy , but he 's already warned me that it is not a simple biopsy . I prefer honesty to someone just trying to make you feel better , but it doesn 't make it any easier . Hubby is to meet with the pulmonologist today . Keeping my fingers crossed , but he doesn 't seem to be doing well at all . Home is not around the hearth . it is within the heart . Any worthwhile pilgrimage brings us home , and so does any distant voyage for the sake of love . Donald Masterson Friday morning of what looks to be a beautiful weekend , and I 'm going to do my best to enjoy every minute of it . Had my bloodwork on Wednesday and my EKG on Thursday . All is set to meet with my doctor to get medical clearance for the biopsy on Monday . I won 't have the surgery this upcoming week because it is a pay week , and I am going to need my money . What a relief when social security kicks in , and I don 't have to worry about getting a ' paper check ' . For those who have followed for awhile , because I had co - signed on something for my ex many years , and he hadn 't paid , 20 years later they came after me , put a lien on my account , and garnished my wages for about two years . Since that time I 've been afraid to have my money in the bank . Who knows what else he did ? Speaking of my ex . Got some news yesterday . Received a phone call from Social Security and all is in the works - - cash benefits plus Medicare . The reason I was called is that it was discovered that I am eligible for widow 's benefits , which turns out to be over $ 200 more than I would receive on my own retirement benefit . I definitely opted for that . So , I will be able to collect widow 's benefits until I reach 70 , and then it will switch over to my own . That 's awesome ! ! ! I guess this makes up for all the money I lost . With graduation ceremonies tonight , this is an 11 hour day for me . My home will be especially welcoming to me . I 've really nothing planned over the weekend aside from a trip to the fruit stand and Rite Aid . My supply of candles is running low . Other than that , I 'll do a little housework and read my new book , " Travels Through Middle Earth : The Path of a Saxon Pagan " by Alaric Albertsson . I want to know more about the other side of my ancestry , my Germanic side . What is home ? Thursday sure has rolled around quickly , hasn 't it ? I 'm not complaining . Another work week is almost over . Tomorrow evening is our graduation ceremony for those clients who completed the program . It 's always a tearful time , and this will be the last one I participate in . Graduation is for those who accomplished something while in the program , even it is only to maintain abstinence and good attendance . This year I have S . who managed to battle his heroin addiction and go to school to become a barber . Later this month he takes his test for certification . J . has been in and out of prison his entire life , and he openly admits that this is the longest he has been able to stay out without being violated . He had found full - time employment , has reconciled with his family , and will be moving into his own apartment in July . O . has spent many years on the streets and in the shelter system . He finally has his own place . N . was a terror when he first entered the program . In fact , I 'm the only one he never cursed out . No one thought he would make it . But , here he is , a year later , and everyone loves him , and , when he speaks in group , the newcomers take out a pen and write down what he has to say . He has become a true role model . D . came to the program from parole . He , too , had had a problem staying out of prison , as well as some serious health issues . He not only complied with the work program he was placed in , but did so while taking care of his medical problems . Today he is stable and ready to work a real job . The only damper on the whole thing is J . , who has done absolutely nothing , and I mean NOTHING . His attendance has been atrocious , and there is no way to tell whether he has been drinking or not because I never get to see him . He misses his psychiatric appointments and doesn 't appear for his ' shot ' in a timely manner . He 's not made an attempt to do anything , so when my boss asked if I wanted to graduate him , I said , " No , he hasn 't earned it . " So , you can imagine my chagrin when I was informed that he 'd been placed on the graduation list . Why even ask me if if my opinion didn 't matter ? When I said something about it , my boss said they , and the housing director just wanted to move him on to a mental health program . Well , why didn 't they just tell me to complete him and move him on ? Isn 't that hypocritical and unfair to those who worked hard to get where they are now ? It 's also unfair to the client . We teach our clients a new way of living . So , what are we teaching him when we reward him for doing nothing ? And what am I supposed to say ? I have to give a little speech aboto be what you I always end my Wednesday group with a joke . This started about fivel years ago when I had several very emotional clients in my group who turned each session turned into a tear - fest . I hated having everyone leave on this note of sadness , so I incorporated the joke of the day to dissipate the sadness and add some joy . It has worked very well . In fact , whenever a co - worker covers my group when I am absent , they are informed that group isn 't over until the joke is told . So , I decided that I 'd like to add a little fun to this blog in the middle of the week in the way of a ' Wednesday Chuckle ' . No writing . Just sharing a funny . In newspapers they would call it a column ; I don 't know what it is called here , but it is going to be a weekly , shall I say ' respite ' , in the middle of the week . So , moving onto the first installment . . . . Hope you enjoy . The man replies , " I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body , as well as smoking and staying out late . " The officer then asks , " Really ? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night ? " The man replies , " That would be my wife . " be written upon the heart . The spirit should not grow old . James A . Garfield Last Thursday a book was recommended on a blog that I follow , Sage 's Play , a fantastic read for those of us ' getting up in years ' . The title of the book immediately caught my attention , perhaps because I live in Brooklyn . Indeed , the book was on Kindle so I downloaded a sample chapter and ended up purchasing it even before I got through the sample . The book , " Fierce with Age : Chasing God and Squirrels in Brooklyn " by There is a knock at her door , and she opens it to find a young woman asking if this was where the party was . It seems that the woman was there to attend a party , but had knocked on the wrong door . At this point that the author hears the sound of a party emanating from her neighbor 's apartment . She then goes on to explain how she and her neighbor , both dog owners , had been friendly and how she had even taken care of her neighbor 's dog when she was not home . When the neighbor steps out of the apartment and sees the author standing there , she is clearly embarrassed . The author continued to watch as other , younger , neighbors continued to arrive . " I saw all this . We witnessed all this together . And what I saw in her eyes that I 'd never seen before was that she was embarrassed that she had not invited me to her party , and we both knew why . I am old . Something very similar had happened to me a year or so ago . Although I 'd accepted the fact that I was aging , I still felt young inside and really believed that biological age meant nothing when it came to dealing with peers and friendships . After all , I really do get along well with my peers at work . We laugh and joke with each other , and I , always the practical joker , am always the first one to start some kind of ruckus at work - - dialing a co - worker from a prank call sight , hiding a cell phone , telling a joke . As far as I was , and am , concerned there is no generation gap , but I know that is not true because I learned the hard way that there was . was throwing a party over the weekend that featured , not tupperware , but sex toys , and she invited everyone at work , but me . I was not supposed to find out about it , but secrets like that are hard to keep . Not that anyone deliberately tried to hurt me by telling me about it . I overheard a conversation at lunch . It hurt , yes , but it also opened my eyes to a truth I hadn 't wanted to face . I COULD be their mother , and who invites their mom to a party about sex toys ? They would have been uncomfortable , and let 's face it , I would have been pretty darn uncomfortable as well . I come from a different era and have nothing , absolutely nothing aside from work , in common with them . If I hadn 't always had this desperate need to fit in , I believe I would have seen this truth a long time ago . This neediness is not just a part of my growing older ; it has been with me my entire life . I 've always had that ' need ' to be a ' part of ' . When they say that childhood emotional wounds take a long time to fade away , they are clearly speaking the truth . Starting in early grammar school I was teased and taunted unmercifully and treated as an outcast , like I didn 't belong . When teams were drawn for baseball , I was always the last gal standing . I did everything I could to fit in , but it only seemed to make matters worse , so eventually , I gave up trying . So , here I am , 66 years old , the scars still there . I have my blog friends whom I love with all my heart , but I have not one ' real life ' friend my own age . That 's pretty sad , isn 't it ? But , it 's something I definitely plan to work on when I retire . I 've contacted the senior center near my home , and not only are they offering the ceramics classes I was looking for , but they are also offering the friendship and companionship of people my own age , something I have lacked for most of my life . Retirement is going to be good . If you have the opportunity , do read this book . I could not put it down and read it in record time . It 's wonderfully written and lots of other things the author wrote about hit home . The aster has not wasted spring and summer Is the weekend really over already ? Too fast . Way too fast . Saturday was pretty much a washout . Boy , did the rain come down , but Sunday was an okay day . Both of my sons came over for a nice visit , and I was ordered not to cook . We spent the afternoon going through some old photo albums , and then we ordered some pulled noodles and chicken from down the block . Wonderful memories were shared . Later , after they had gone home , I took some time later in the evening after all had gone home to remember the women in my family . . . my mom , my grandmother , and all the other women who made me what I am today . I found myself surrounded by love . I tried two new chicken recipes this week , and both turned out fabulous . . . and not very expensive to make . With food products skyrocketing as they are , I 'm learning to become more budget conscious . The first was lime spiced chicken breasts . I tend to take the bare bones of a recipe and add , subtract , and basically make it my own . So , here are the final ingredients for the spicy chicken . black pepper cayenne pepper I also add ingredients without paying attention to measurements ; hence , but you can add as much or as little as you want , what is comfortable for you . I do tend to be a bit heavy on the cayenne sometimes so I have to watch myself . Mix all the seasonings together . Arrange chicken , green pepper , and onion in baking pan . Sprinkle with lime juice , then sprinkle spice mixture generously on both sides of chicken breasts . Bake at 350 degrees until done . About 30 minutes before it is done , I turn chicken and re - sprinkle for added taste . Yummy dish ! ! ! The second was chicken and pineapple , a slow cooked Hawaiian inspired dish . So easy to make and finger lickin ' good ! ! ! Did you ever have a meal that you didn 't want to end ? This one is a keeper . Brown chicken . Mix all ingredients together and add to chicken . At this point I add a little water . Bring to boil and simmer sauce thickened and chicken done . Saturday afternoon I watched " One Flew Over the Cuckoo 's Nest " . Haven 't seen it in years , and it sure did bring up memories . That movie , and the women I worked with at an answering service back then , gave me the idea for the one and only screenplay I wrote , way back in the late 70 's . I 'd written plays before , but this was the first time I tackled something so extreme . The story itself was about a group of women of various ages and ideals along with strong personalities who work together on the night shift of an answering service . ( What else ? ) The narrator and main character was me , of course , a very shy young woman who was involved in an abusive relationship . When he would call her and yell at her , she 'd pull the plug . This gave her the only sense of power she had at the time . Another character was loosely based on a real woman I worked with who introduced me to Carlos Castenada and Shamanism as a way of life . Each evening this character would come in an tell us of the various places and people she met while astral traveling . Of course , her stories were so far - fetched that it soon became obvious she lived in a fantasy world . In fact , each woman was dealing with some sort of mental illness or personality disorder , and it was during their evening chats , when the boards slowed down , each woman gradually opened up and shared their lifetime secrets as if in a group therapy session . The film ended with the answering service closing down , and the women going their separate ways . I even registered it with the ' Screen Writer 's Guild ' , now the ' Writer 's Guild of America ' , but nothing ever came of it because I only half - heartedly sent it around to agents , and after ten years , it was fair game . An unknown has to bust their butt to get in the door , but I was in the midst of a bad relationship , and my mind and heart weren 't with it . The name of my script was ' Friends ' , and it was written long before the hit television show . Imagine that . Yesterday morning I had to stop at the token booth to add some money onto my metrocard . There were two women ahead of me , I stood patiently awaiting my turn . Patience is one of the gifts seniorhood has given me . I am no longer that Type A personality who gets stressed when things don 't move as quickly as I want them to . So , when Woman 1 finished her transaction , Woman 2 stepped up to the window , and before she was finished , a man appeared out of nowhere and began pushing his $ 20 towards the clerk . It was obvious that he was planning to cut in front of me . Now , I may have gained patience , but I am still nobody 's fool . Besides , I 'd already gotten drenched in the storm and wasn 't in the best of moods . ( We had three inches of rain yesterday ) " Excuse me " , I said rather harshly . " I 've been waiting here in line . Please step behind me . " I really didn 't even have to say ' please ' to this moron , but I was raised to say ' please ' and ' thank you ' , and you just can 't turn that off . " Oh , I am sorry " , he replied . Sorry , my butt . If he was sorry , he never would have tried it in the first place . I knew darned he saw an older woman with a cane and figured it would be easy to cut me off . I 'd be too scared to say anything . Then , as a further dampener on my day , on my way to work I stopped at MacDonalds . I absolutely love their fruit and maple oatmeal . I took my place and stood behind a woman who was busily texting someone on her phone , but she was definitely standing on line . As I waited , a man walked in from the street and right up to the counter to order , so I politely asked her if she were in line . Talk about snippy . She snapped at me , " Yes , I am . " Oh , boy , I sure didn 't need that . I was still thinking about that man . So , I not so politely advised her that if she were in line , then she should pay more attention to what was going on around her , that people were walking in off the street and cutting in front , that she may not have any place to go , but I had to go to work . It really made me think about all of the other hings I will not have to deal with once I retire . At the top of the list , of course , is the subway , but I am not going to dwell on that here . Gone will be those crowded subway rides where I stand ' fuming ' while healthy young people sit . Hip , Hip , Hooray ! ! ! I 'll hav no reason to go into the city . There is a bus in front of my house that will take me any place I choose to go . But , aside from the subway , there are a few other things I will not miss . It irks me when people stop short in front of me . . . especially those who come to a dead stop on the subway stairs to pull out their cell phone . The station near my home is a very busy station , and in the evening , it is a mob scene trying to get up the stairs . Never fails , some dimwit will stop dead on the stairway , whip out their phone , and call their household to let them know they are on their way home . . . causing a massive traffic jam . They can 't wait until they get to the top of the stairs to call home ? On the other hand , we have those who are in such a rush to catch the train that they race down the stairs disregarding everyone around them . One misstep and down they go . . . and pity the poor person who may be in front of them . Subway stairs have metal coverings so safety is definitely an issue here . People who text message while walking on the sidewalk . I cannot stand it . They either crawl along blocking your way or are so engrossed in their texting that they walk right into you . They never step out of the way for you because they don 't see you . It 's always up to you to move . Holding the door for someone who brushes through without even saying thank you . You stand there like a fool , holding the door , and they squeeze right on past you , leaving you in the lurch , standing there holding the door for them like you are their personal doorman . If I catch it in time , I 'll let go of the door and let it close on them . I know , two wrongs don 't make a right , but it does give one the feeling of satisfaction . Women who wear the highest heels they can possibly find and then cannot walk in them , tying everyone up who is walking behind them . And along the lines of clothing , I cannot stand it when women wear skirts so shorts that everyone sees up their crotch as they are climbing the stairs . And , of course , you knew I would go back to the subway . It goes without saying that subway etiquette flew the coop somewhere after the 70 's . Although I am blessed to usually get a seat , at least 70 percent of the time I have had to stand for a few stops until someone gets off . Most people bury their heads in their newspapers or electronic gadgets and don 't look up . Sort of like ' see no evil , hear no evil " ; in other words , if they don 't see you , they don 't have to give up their seat . Customers in the bank who wait until they get up to the teller 's window to fill out their withdrawal or deposit sheet . We 're all expected to wait for them . They just don 't care . I have my slips filled out before I even leave my house . Personally , I don 't think they should be allowed to do that . The teller should take the next person in line while the customer fills it out . People no longer know how to walk on the sidewalk . For example , those groups who insist on walking three or four abreast when walking with friends really frustrate me . Why should I have to step aside to let all of them pass ? After all , I am on a cane . Where is the respect ? Bike messengers are the pits . They are more dangerous than cabs . They feel they are above the law and whiz through traffic stops . The innocent walker who has the right of way doesn 't know what hit him when he is struck . I 've had more than my share of near misses . One guy rally had gall . I had the light and was crossing the street when I glanced sideways and saw him zooming right at me . I froze and just stood there . The moron actually had the nerve to yell at ME , who had the right of way . Takes all kinds and they are all in the city . But all has not been so bad . There are some beautiful memories of the city that I will forever cherish . One such memory was that day in Washington Square Park when that handsome man sat next to me and said , " Would you mind if I sat here ? " Who knew then that he was my future . It will be 21 years in August that we have been together . But as I grow older , my patience is wearing thin . It will be nice to watch you from a distance for a change . The greater our hurry , the longer the way ; the greater our patience , the sooner we reach the goal . The past March I turned 70 , official a crone . I was born in the beautiful countryside , but have been living in the city for 30 odd years now . As a want - to - be be hippie , I first lived in Greenwich Village , then moved to Queens , and eventually here I am in Brooklyn , yearning to go home . I 've spent much of my life in search of a path that I could feel comfortable with . It wasn 't until I began working on my family tree that I discovered my Celtic background as well as ancestors from Ireland , Scotland , Britain , Germany , and France . Why I 've a touch of Dutch and Native American in my blood . I have studied with the New Order of Druids . I am also an ordained Interfaith minister and a victim advocate . I 'm also an astrologer , have worked with numerology , enjoy mythology , psychology , sociology . On July 12th 2013 I retired from my job as a substance abuse counselor after 51 years of work . Now it is time for me , and I am enjoying every moment of it . View my complete profile |
Well , this is at least the fourth post that I 've started in the past month , only to give up because there 's just too much for me to write about that I just can 't decide what is most important . So . . . I 'm just going to start randomly writing , hoping that I 'll catch up on the past month or so with time . The holidays are always my favorite time of year . They are also the most busy . Between traveling , shopping , concerts , baking , cooking , wrapping , well you already know the drill . It 's A LOT ! But , I 'm enjoying it all . The Christmas music is always blaring in the car and at the office , and sometimes in our bedroom upstairs until Jake gets tired of it , shakes his finger at me , turns off the stereo , and says , " Don 't . " Too cute ! He 's also very interested in Santa . Not that he really understands the concept . . . he just likes the inflatable Santa outside and the Santa in the rocking chair inside . He 's slightly intimidated by them , but really likes to point at them , saying , " Santa . . . ho , ho , ho . " Bailey , on the other hand , totally understands the concept of Santa and is eager to give us a variety of options for Santa to bring her on Christmas morning . She 's a little curious about the fact that he is constantly watching . I think it has her a little scared , but is truly helping me in getting her to behave ! : ) I know . . . it 's sad that I depend on that . I 'm feeling ADD today and I just have to say . . . I 'm SO totally excited about Christmas ! ! ! I can 't wait to see the kids ' faces on Christmas morning . Mom and I spent time early on the day after Thanksgiving to get some really awesome gifts for them and I just can 't wait for them to see . I 'll spill the beans after Christmas ! : ) The one thing that I 'm a little disappointed by is that the kiddos aren 't that into Christmas movies . I LOVE Christmas movies . . . all the classics - Rudolph , Frosty , The Santa Clause . . . you name it and I love it . I 'm sure that with time they will grow to love these classics just like me . I hope so . : ) For several months now , Bailey asks me why Brad and I have to go to work . My answer is always the same . I tell her about how we work so that we can have nice things , do fun things ( like vacations , shopping , eating out , and going to places like Chuck E . Cheese 's or the lake ) , and have food to eat and a place to live . She has often had various opinions about our jobs . At one point , she told a little boy at the playground that her daddy didn 't have a good job and didn 't make a lot of money . She proceeded to tell him that I did have a good job and made a lot of money . My , oh my , how misconstrued her perception was ! Of course , I did explain to her that daddy does have a good job and that he makes a lot more money than mommy . After a lengthy conversation , I understood that the reason she thought my job was better than Brad 's was because I get to spend more time with her and Jake . We thought that was pretty intelligent for a three - year old to understand ! Well , today I got to see Bailey 's impression of our jobs firsthand . We were pretending - I was the little girl and Bailey was my mom . She pretended that she was at work and came home to see me and Jake . She hugged us and kissed us as she came in the room . Then , she said , " I have to sit this heavy bag down . . . it 's got all the money I made today at work . " She proceeded to act like she was heaving a huge sack of money ( Santa style ) and pretended to sling it on to the ground . I was trying to hide my laughter when I asked what she did at work to make all that money . Her response , as she moved her hands like she was typing , " I moved my hands as fast as I could on the computer and I made more and more money ! " I guess that 's almost accurate ! : ) I 'm not sure what 's going on with my little man , but I think he 's decided that he 's not a baby anymore . My little baby has now graduated from using his pacifier ( at least for now ! ) . No more pacifier . . . we lost the only one he loved and he has decided that it 's just not worth it to get addicted to a different one . So . . . we 're taking full advantage and using this to break him from it . And I should be so thrilled that he 's done with it ( no more searching the toy boxes , under the couches , in the drawers , under his bed , etc . for the little thing ) . However , instead of being really excited about it , I 'm kind of sad . This means he 's growing up and into the terrible twos ( which I am now seeing some hints at ) . It also makes me curious . We forgot his beloved blankie at my mom 's a few weeks ago . I 'm curious to see if he rejects it because he hasn 't seen it in so long . I really hope not . I love to see his little face light up when he sees the blanket on his bed ! We shall see . . . Where is the video camera when I need it ? The battery is almost always dead when I actually think to grab it . . . and grab it soon , I must . : ) The kids are doing and saying some of the cutest things most recently . Here are a couple of my favorites . . . and if I can catch it on video and figure out how to get it on my computer and here , I will most certainly do so . Jake 's form of dancing is now not only a little bounce with his knees bent , but a little hop . He 's figured out how to pull both feet off the ground at the same time and land . The focus it takes for him to do this is probably what makes it so adorable . . . he stares down at his feet as if his eyes can tell them what to do . His facial expressions and eyes seem to work in telling everyone else what to do . . . why not try his feet ? ! Bailey is learning to sing Christmas carols . And despite the fact that her voice is not the best in the world , she is actually quite good at remembering the words ! For the past few days , we have been singing Jingle Bells and You Better Watch Out ( just think Will Ferrell in Elf ) . Much to her father 's chagrin , we have enjoyed belting out the Christmas songs that I LOVE so much and have even broken out the Christmas cd a couple of times ( mostly when Brad 's not around ) . : ) Jake is actually trying to sing a little too , but he usually just yells " San " ( for Santa , I 'm quite sure ) and does his little hoppy dance . One of the other things that Jake has been doing that is cute ( and somewhat annoying ) is yelling at the tv . His older sister thinks that every time a commercial with any toy , and I do mean any toy , comes on tv that she has to yell and tell us that she wants it . So , imagine . I 'm in the shower and Bailey comes busting in the bathroom screaming like the world has ended . My thoughts race to Jake and what he could have possibly jumped off of . . . as soon as I soak the floor by swinging the door open , I hear , " I want that . . . I want that . . . I want that . . . " and then she fumbles her way through the description of whichever toy it is she 's seen . Now0 My kids love playing outside . . . especially my little man . He thinks that every morning we should get up , put shoes on , and exit the back door ( all after eating breakfast , of course ) . However , that doesn 't seem to be a possibility any more . In late October , we went outside to play on the swingset , all bundled up because it was already feeling a little wintry outside . I had planned to write a blog back then about how quickly it went from the mid - 70s to the low 40s and upper 30s . Despite the cool temps , I still get a daily request ( or a dozen ) to go outside . Here are a few pictures of my babies bundled up on their swingset from that October day . Thanks to our good friend Rebecca , we were able to go to the Wiggles concert tonight ! The kids had an absolute blast . . . they were both more excited than I expected them to be . Jake 's little face lit up so much when they came out to Toot Toot Chugga Chugga Big Red Car . : ) He was smiling from ear to ear and clapping his hands . He kept pointing at them and then looking at me , as if to say , " Are they really here ? ! " Bailey was equally impressed . She thought it was fabulous , especially when they came out into the crowd . She was hoping they 'd come over to us . . . even Jake tried to wave them down . I think Rebecca and I enjoyed it as much as the kids did ! We took a ton of pictures , but only a few of mine were focused . . . some only had a portion of the kids ' faces . It 's hard to take pics close up , especially with one on our lap ! : ) Here are a few of the pictures from the night . . . the other child in the photos is Rebecca 's little boy and one of Jake 's very best friends , Joseph . 0 I will never forget the Halloween that I celebrated the first year that I was with Brad . Colt was just a little boy , I guess he was only 8 years old ( yes , time flies ) . Brad helped me and mom get Colt all dressed up as some scary monster thing and Brad painted his face . It was cute . . . his face and the fact that Brad painted it . And , Brad shared one of his memories from his childhood with us on that day . . . he told me about a time he could remember his dad painting his face for Halloween when he was a little boy . And , his eyes were shining as he remembered it . I guess that 's when I knew that Halloween would have to be special for our family . Well , we didn 't paint the kids ' faces ( they are a little young for that ) and we didn 't do anything majorly different than most people . We carved pumpkins - Brad is a total pro at using the carving kits to make creative pumpkins . We trick - or - treated in our neighborhood , identified the candy that we would steal from the kids and eat once they were asleep , and enjoyed watching them learn about a holiday of bumming candy from your neighbors . But , it was special nonetheless . I am sure there will be many years of overly extravagant painted faces , scary scenes in the yard , and pranks that we wish our kids wouldn 't play a part in . For now , we are satisfied with our two little ones being hopped up on sugar and crashing shortly after that ! : ) The kids really enjoyed the act of trick - or - treating . Jake was a little hesitant at first . He wasn 't really sure what we were doing . . . but he shortly figured out that he was getting candy by walking up to people 's front doors and was not interested in being contained to a stroller while his sister got all the treats . So , he made his little way , all on his own , to many homes in our neighborhood , charming all the older women with his sweet little smile and grunty " Dank ew ( thank you ) . " Bailey is still wondering when we can go again , because it really is fun to go and get tons of free candy from your neighbors . She often asks if we can go to their house0 Sorry it 's been a while since my last blog . . . I have now been contacted by at least three concerned friends , checking in to make sure that I 'm OK . I guess that 's a sign that I definitely need to catch up on my blogs ! I can 't believe that it 's been a few weeks ! Needless to say , it 's been busy and I guess that 's why I haven 't taken the time to write . Good thing about this is that I started this blog to record all the precious things about my kids - the funny things they do and say - so that I can remember it when I 'm older . Sadly , if you all weren 't pressuring me to continue writing , I probably wouldn 't . So . . . make sure you remind me when it 's been a while ! : ) And I 'm even more sorry that now that you have me on here , you might get more blogs than you ever wanted . : ) I guess my husband and I just really are true opposites . Some would say that we compliment each other well . . . and I would agree with that , with the exception of the days when we 're at each other 's throats because of our differences . All in all , we 're really happy together . We are best friends on most days ( except when I 'm with my mom or Cilla . . . they just understand me all too well because they are SO much like me ) . Brad and I have survived a lot of hills and valleys , probably more than anything because I have a very patient husband who is willing to deal with my obnoxious mouth , hotheadedness , and stubborness . Sometimes that very patience is what makes me want to kill him . . . but more often than not , it 's what makes me love him so much . As parents , I can see these same roles even more defined . I am usually always the " bad guy " with the kids . . . enforcing the rules , threatening to " bust a butt " or take a toy away , and always the one who loses my cool or gets stubborn about some ridiculous little rule that no one in their right mind would really care about . It 's just after saying things 100 times a day and being ignored 99 of those times , I get frustrated and decide that I will MAKE them listen to me . Sometimes it works , but more often I look like a raving lunatic . I get the fun parts of my children 's lives because I 'm home with them more than Brad , but I also get the bad part of being the disciplinarian . Not an easy job . But it wouldn 't be that bad if I could just have a little more patience like Brad . ( Don 't get the big head , honey . . . I 'm still pretty stubborn and probably won 't ever admit this again ! ) All of these thoughts were going through my mind tonight as I rocked my little blonde baby boy to sleep . I had a perfect example of my lack of patience and my husband 's over abundance of it right after bath time . Yes , after bath time , Bailey always wants her daddy to get her out of the tub . This hasn 't really bothered me , mainly because it forces Brad to help me and I can just get my wild man Jake out of the tub and 0 It is official . . . Bailey has now transformed to a pre - teen at the tender age of 3 . My concerns about boys , dating , and all that goes with are being realized way too early . You see , I was told a few weeks ago about Bailey 's new boyfriend , Austin . I thought I would crack up when they told me about how they hold hands during circle time , kiss on the playground , and can be found hugging intermittenly throughout the day . Completely innocent , affectionate children . . . We have been teasing her about not kissing him so much , hoping that she 'll understand that she needs to tone it down without discouraging her from being innocently affectionate with her friends . We both thought we 'd just die laughing when Brad told Bailey she couldn 't kiss boys anymore and she replied , in tears , " But daddy . . . I love him . " It was definitely the worst case of foreshadowing yet ! I got the opportunity to see Bailey with Austin today when Jake and I went with her on a school field trip to Bi - Water Farm . They were adorable . . . and Austin is by far the cutest kid in her class . I completely understand why they are such good friends . He 's a very smart , cute little boy . He 's very sweet and a lot like Bailey . They really were like little best friends , sitting together on the hay ride , looking for pumpkins holding hands , and checking out all of the animals together . It was really sweet to see . . . even if it was a little strange . : ) You know the kids are growing up when they have moved beyond playing in the floor for an entire day to entertain themselves to making plans for each and every moment in the day . Or maybe they have just been around their mother , the planner , way too long . " Multi - task " and " maximize your time " tend to be underlying themes for my life , especially with our concert season in full swing . So , I guess I should not be surprised that Bailey 's favorite phrase has gone from " What are we going to do today " to " What are we going to do next ? " or " What are we going to do now ? " or even " What are we going to do this morning ( or afternoon , evening , night ) ? " You get the idea by now , I 'm sure . It 's a constant struggle between daughter and mother to make plans for the day . I , having to do work for my job , try to find time during Jake 's naps , early morning breakfasts , lunches , and afternoon snacks to check e - mails , make phone calls , and work on whichever project is the most needy at the moment . Bailey , seeing that these are opportunities to get some mommy time while Jake is busy , has other plans . She wants to read a book , walk outside , go fishing , go back to the pumpkin patch , swim at the pool , visit Mimi and / or Mamaw , go to the park , etc . The list grows everyday and she has more creative ideas about how we should spend our time . Jake , too , has become more accustomed to being on the go . He immediately wants shoes on his feet when he wakes up . Most mornings , even before he is out of his pjs , he brings me his shoes and holds up a foot . He knows that he has to have shoes to go " ow - si ( outside ) " and he is terrified to miss a moment of it . On our most recent trip to Mimi and Poppa 's , I was getting our stuff together and asked him if he wanted to go to Mimi and Poppa 's house . I do this quite often with him , but he usually ignores me . Not this time . . . he yelled , " Mimi " followed by " Poppa . " He then nodded his head ( nearly bending over to show me that he was saying yes ) , took off running for the door and started trying to turn the knob . Yes , I 0 My wonderful mother - in - law , Kathy , who is celebrating a birthday today , came down to visit us last week . Happy birthday , Kathy ! She and I had a wonderful time with the kids . It was perfectly timed - before I had my tests on Thursday - a much - needed distraction . We took the kids out to Boyd Orchards and had a BLAST ! It was so nice because there wasn 't a large crowd and we were able to let the kids run and jump without any problems . The kids were good , for the most part , and we went to dinner at the Outback afterward . It was fabulous to have dinner out and not have Jake screaming the entire time . It was the first time since late spring that we 've gone out and I 've actually been able to eat all of my meal without taking him outside to calm down . Yay . . . maybe he 's outgrowing it ! In any case , I had to share a few of my favorite pictures from that day . . . Thank you , Kathy , for such a great time . . . Jake really enjoyed the slide . . . as you can see from the smile on his face . Bailey just had to try the tractor out . . . Jake was not a taker . Bailey ( and Jake ) really enjoyed feeding the goats . Bailey actually fed them . . . Jake really just held the food out and yelled when they got close to his hand . It was very cute ! Jake really loved the horse , or " dog dog " as he called it . That tends to be what he calls all of his animal friends , except the turtles . : ) This is my favorite picture of Bailey from the day . She looks so big . . . I can 't believe how much she looks like a little girl instead of a baby . It 's happened overnight . Jake enjoyed the slide - thanks to Mamaw who climbed the hay bale wall . . . He really enjoyed it . . . : ) I actually got a picture of them together . . . without tears . A lame attempt at a joint photo , but a good chance for those of you who haven 't been to Boyd Orchards to see what it looks like ! It 's been a crazy year for my family . . . from my mom 's breast cancer to losing my grandmother , it truly has been a tough one . And I had the scare of my life last week , when I thought it was only going to get worse . Normally , I would spare you the details of my medical history , but I can 't do that right now . Not because I 'm unhealthy - thank God I 've had only good news - but because I hope that maybe this experience will encourage all of you women to really pay attention to your body . I found a spot on my breast about two weeks ago . After hesitating as long as possible , hoping with all hope that it would just disappear , I made an appointment with my doctor . I was optimistic going in . . . it was a small spot that I was truly convinced she would not even feel and would laugh me out of the building . As she asked me a few questions and did the exam , she confirmed that she could feel the spot and that she wanted me to go ahead and have some tests ran to make sure it wasn 't cancer . My heart completely sank . Sitting on that table , tears forming , I realized that she was seriously talking about my body . . . that I could possibly have cancer . And while I knew that it would be in the early stages and that most likely it would not be life - threatening , I sat altered . I couldn 't believe that she was actually saying I could have cancer . Me . Twenty - seven years old . Breast cancer . Me . So , I choked back the tears , tried to listen to her words of encouragement , which truly meant nothing to me , and made my appointment for an ultrasound . Walking out to the parking lot , I stared at my cell phone , trying to decide who I should call first . My mom , Brad , and Cilla would all be waiting by the phone for me to call and tell them what they said . I called Brad first , thinking that after I said it out loud to him it would be easier to call my mom and Cilla . Before the end of the conversation , I was crying and had convinced myself that I had cancer . Brad tried to help , but I was hitting the realization of it all and poor guy couldn 't figure out which1 comments Check out this chance to have a mini - session with Priscilla Baierlein Photography . She 's pretty much booked up for the rest of the year , so take advantage of this opportunity to have your Christmas pictures taken ! 0 Well , I have to blog about our newest venture . Brad and I have been working for the past month or so on a new business idea . I know . . . it 's always something . As most of you probably already know , Brad and I have owned our own little business since before Bailey was born . Most of the work we 've done has been with Bailey Technologies ( www . baileytechnologies . com ) on our electronics dropshipping business . We are now adding on to this business ! We will now be accepting orders for personalized letters from Santa Claus ! Through our business ( www . jinglebellmail . com ) , we will sell personalized letters from Santa for $ 9 . 95 . You will be able to select your Christmas letterhead , enter in specific information for your child / children and their Christmas wishes , and receive a letter postmarked at the North Pole . We are finalizing the order form on our website and will begin accepting orders on October 1st . I hope that you 'll all order a letter for your children , grandchildren , nieces , nephews , or friends and make their Christmas a little more magical this year ! And , I really hope you 'll pass this information along to your friends and family so that they can share this experience with their children ! For more information , visit www . jinglebellmail . com ! 0 " He 's 17 months old ? " she asked . " The peak of separation anxiety and clinging to mommy . . . " How right this stranger was . She perused through our yard sale and moved on , not realizing that she had just clued me in to why my little man has been overly attached to me recently . With Bailey I read every website , blog , and parenting magazine I could get my hands on , not being overly obsessed about what it said , but definitely interested in learning why Bailey was going through whatever phase she seemed to be in at the time . Well , as we all know , I 'm a little busier with two than one and really hadn 't thought about the " technical " phase that Jake is going through . Jake is definitely giving me a run for my money with the clinginess . I remember Bailey going through some of this , but nothing to this extreme . For the past couple of weeks it has been getting worse . While I get ready every morning , he stands at the shower door , trying to pull it open while I shower with one hand holding it closed . He proceeds to stand at my feet , pushing and pulling on me , alternately crying and squealing at me to hold him , while I dry my hair , brush my teeth , or put on my makeup . And so it goes all day . On days that I take them to daycare , he clings to me as soon as we get in the parking lot , frowning the entire way to his room , with a death grip on my shirt . Of course , the tears pour out as soon as we enter his classroom and continue until I am down the hall . It makes me feel terrible ! And night time is the worst . I rock him to sleep , lay him down , and he 's awake in a matter of minutes . I go back to him , try to help him fall asleep again . A repeat . Last night was as bad as it 's been . I finally got him to sleep , only for him to wake up at about 11 : 30 and decide to stay up for about an hour . I finally put him in the bed with us . We all went to sleep . I woke up this morning with Jake on one side , Bailey on the other side , and Brad nearly falling off the bed . MISERABLE ! I think maybe we are just going to give them the bed . I 'd be happy to give i0 I love each season equally , but as it nears October , I always get a little excited about the fall . Each season brings different elements that I love and that I find comfort in . Fall is one that I feel is celebratory . It 's a time for family . . . the beginning of the holiday season , football games , and layers of clothes ( namely a chance to wear jackets ! ) . While this year will still bring beautiful fall - colored leaves and windy days , I know it will be slightly different . I have thought a lot about it for some reason today . Maybe because I have spent time working to prepare the house for the cool weather and because my husband has planted himself in front of the TV for football games . I 'm not sure why it has been on my mind . . . but it has . It has probably been on my mind because October really kicks off the three - month period that I see my grandparents the most in . We spend October celebrating birthdays ; November celebrating Thanksgiving ; and , of course , December celebrating Christmas . It 's really the only time that I KNOW I will spend with my grandparents each year . And this year , it will be different because I have one less grandparent . Really , I think I have just thought more about Granny in particular today . She really seemed to love the holidays and the baking that went along with them . She could fix the best pies , candies , and cakes . I can hardly think of a food that I would like to eat that I don 't think of her . She was the queen of comfort food . I know that with time things will be easier . . . and I know that it 's all part of the process . I can remember dreading Christmas after papaw died . . . the same after Rick died . It 's just that time of the year when you want to have everyone you love with you . And it will be different , I know . The fantasy that it will never change is just a fantasy , and I know that too . But , it 's hard to think of a Christmas without my granny force - feeding us and yelling for me to cater more to Brad . : ) She will most certainly be missed . . . as will the pumpkin pie , deviled eggs , and fried corn . 0 My little man is living up to the nickname we gave him shortly after his birth . For some reason , I guess we just started calling him our little monkey man . No reason behind it . . . just kind of developed . Well . . . we should have been more cautious with that name ! Jake can now climb to the top of the ladder on the swing set . Not only does he climb it , he can do it in record time . It is as if he 's in a race to see who can get to the top and back down the fastest . I 've rarely seen Bailey get up the ladder this quickly . He can almost step off of the ladder and onto the slide in one fell swoop , throwing his head backward and feet in the air to gain speed down the slide . It 's adorable . . . but more importantly . . . SCARY ! He 's still so young to be climbing like he does . I keep waiting to turn my head and see him lying on his back , having fallen from the top of the ladder . He has no fear ( which is not entirely bad ) . He is actually quite proud of his accomplishments . Brad had not seen him make it all the way to the top until this weekend . Knowing this , Jake climbed to the top quickly , and stood at the top of the slide , yelling for Brad ( Dada . . . ) and then letting out a warrior - like yell , as if to say , " I AM THE MAN ! " We were totally cracking up , and Brad , like me , was freaking out that he is going to break his neck . I am sure it will not be long now . . . we will be writing soon about our first hospital visit with stitches or worse . My sweet , innocent little baby is going to be the one that turns the rest of my hair gray . " What are we going to do today ? " she asks almost every morning , within a few seconds of opening her eyes , rubbing the sleep out , and pushing her hair from her face . My three - year old has to be the only child her age that I know who can go on 8 - 10 hours of sleep a day , seemingly unaffected . She is truly my child . . . constantly wanting to know " the plan " and needing to run around at every opportunity . I guess we have a shared philosophy that can only be genetic . . . Life is just too short to let a spare moment get away . So , when Bailey looked at me yesterday and asked what we were going to do , I told her we 'd have a yard sale . Yes , the neighborhood was having their annual fall yard sale day , and I stayed up until about 2 : 30 a . m . working through years of baby clothes . I was definitely worried that she 'd freak when she saw that most of the things we 'd be selling were her old clothes . I was met with a pleasant surprise though . She didn 't care at all . . . she actually wanted to help me sell to the people walking by . She repeated to one lady that we really didn 't have boys clothes out because I didn 't get it all ready until " last night . " I know she hears everything I say . It 's so much funnier to hear her versions of things though . : ) It was yesterday afternoon , after we had packed the yard sale up , made a Wal - mart run , and grilled out our dinner , that Bailey , Jake , and I were sitting in the backyard . Bailey and I were talking about how beautiful it was outside . She turned to me and said , " It would be a great day to go fishing . " I suppose that she takes in more than I realize from our conversations . . . indeed it would have been a great day to go fishing . The weather was beautiful , just cool enough . I have told her a half dozen times that when the weather gets a little bit cooler , we 'll go fishing again . If only she 'd listen when I say things like , " I wish someone would help me clean up these toys , " or my new favorite , " You have to eat SOMETHING good . . . not gummy bears or pretzels . " : ) I met Kathy to pick up Bailey in Morehead yesterday at about 3 : 30 . I was looking forward to seeing my little monkey . Even though I enjoyed the break and a little bit of a quieter house , I was ready to have her back at home . I was missing my little talker . I was greeted with a hug and a kiss , a huge smile and sweet little voice yelling , " Momma ! " It was nice while it lasted . . . About three minutes down the road , my little sleep - deprived child began the whining . Five minutes after that , we were stopping to go to the restroom . Ten minutes later , I was hearing about how she was starving , despite the Happy Meal she was still snacking on . And on it went . We finally got home and she played with her new Barbie toy . We got ready for gymnastics and made our way across town . I knew she was going to be a bear after gymnastics , but this time was even worse than usual . Bailey cried from about 7 : 30 until about 9 . She cried when I offered her spaghetti - she wanted something else . I fixed her everything she asked for , only to be told seconds later that she did not like that food . And , bath time was the kicker . She decided she didn 't want her sweaty head washed . After listening to her screams , through tears , I sustained a cup of water being thrown at me , as well as a few toys and a wet washcloth . I washed her hair . . . oh yes , I would win or die . : ) Jerking her little tail from the tub , soaking wet with no towel , through kicks and punches , I carried her ( as nicely as I could ) to her room , sat her on the bed and closed the door . Part of that was because I knew I was losing my cool ( extremely ) and she needed a serious break . After a few more fits , her attempting to force herself to throw up so that I would fell sorry for her ( no , she is not dramatic - what are you talking about ? ! ) , and a baggie of Apple Jacks , Bailey finally calmed down . She was asleep as soon as she crawled into bed . I woke up this morning , feeling so relieved that our Opening Night concert and the reception following was finally over . I guess I didn 't realize how much it had been on my mind . . . I woke up feeling like the world had been taken off of my shoulders . It was wonderful . And I guess that might be why I immediately started thinking about what I wanted to do with the kids today . . . something fun , no cleaning or housework , and something outdoors . Unfortunately for me , Brad had received a ticket to the UK football game , so it was just the three of us . Sitting on the back deck ( at 9 a . m . with both kids already playing on the swingset ) , it occurred to me . I wanted to be fishing . Now , just for reference , I have not fished in at least 10 years . . . mortal sin for a woman that fished at least 10 - 12 times each summer throughout my teenage years . I truly love to fish , but for some reason , never seem to think to go . So , I called ( and woke up ) my mom to let her know that we would be coming to Ashland today and would love to take the kids fishing . It all came rushing back to me when I was standing on the bank , fishing pole in hand . There 's something relaxing , almost therapeutic , about fishing . And to make this time even better , I was fishing with the best " three - year old fisherman in the world " by my side . I looked in the mirror for most of the day today as I watched Bailey patiently waiting to catch a fish . She was absolutely adorable with her little Barbie fishing pole , in her Old Navy dress , and her brown Mary Janes . Total girl enjoying being a tomboy like her mom . The look on her face when she ( and Mimi ) pulled in the first fish of the day ( yes - with her fishing pole ! ) was priceless . She was so excited , a little confused , but so excited . Jake , on the other hand , surprised me as much as Bailey 's patience did . He was totally scared to death by the fish . My mom is probably to blame for that , since she almost hit him with the fish when she was pulling Bailey 's first one to the bank . After that , every time we asked him if he wanted t0 The kids and I really enjoyed an afternoon at the park on Sunday . It was a beautiful day . We are so happy that the weather is cooling down a little . It makes walks and days at the park much more comfortable . . . especially when I have to run after Jake the entire time . At the park , Bailey is completely overly cautious about trying anything in which she would risk falling . She will not try the monkey bars or the fireman 's pole . Instead , she encourages her brother to do it . I can hold him up to the monkey bars and he 'll grab on with a huge smile on his face . I can let him go ( almost entirely ) and he 'll dangle from the bar . He wants to swing to the next bar , but just can 't get the strength to do it . It won 't be long . . . the kid can climb onto anything , so I 'm sure he 'll be the one that I have to stand under the bars and try to catch as he crawls across the top . Here are a few snapshots from our visit to the park . I love the ones with Jake in a hat . He looks so cute . He still resembles a baby in these , which is rare these days . . . almost as rare as catching Bailey when she isn 't moving . 0 I don 't think I 've included anything about gymnastics since we started back this fall . For those who don 't know , Bailey had enrolled in gymnastics in the winter and spring . I pulled her out for summer , since I know how busy we usually are swimming , boating , and traveling . When I called to enroll her for the fall session , I discovered that I could enroll Jake in the Parent & Tot class at the same time as Bailey 's class . So . . . we began gymnastics on Monday nights at 6 : 30 . All I can say is it is very interesting to watch my little man among two - and three - year old children , attempting balance beams , trampolines , and cartwheels . He has a blast . . . it is indeed lots of fun to try and run away from mommy and have her rushing to keep him from getting kicked , hit , or trampled by an older child . He actually doesn 't do bad , considering the age difference . He 's still a little too immature to understand taking turns . He doesn 't really " get " the concept of watching the teacher show us what we 're supposed to do ( he does , however , clap for her after each sequence ) . But , he knows exactly what to do when you throw him in the foam pit . . . he tries to swim his way around the foam blocks , laughing hysterically when he gets sucked in . Bailey is also enjoying her gymnastics class , although I am not sure how much she is learning . I don 't get to watch her as much , since I 'm dealing with Jake the entire time . Every time I look at her , she 's pulling at her underwear , biting her nails , or pulling on the teacher 's arm , trying to get her to show her what to do next . She 's so independent in most scenarios , but I think we have her so concerned about listening to the teacher that she won 't really take the initiative to try any of it on her own . She has a good time though . She rang the bell after her bar exercises tonight ( I think all of the kids in her class did ) , which is supposed to mean that she did something good . However , I did ( on more than one occasion ) hear her teacher trying to encourage her to actually do the exercises . She also only go0 About a month ago , we traveled to Warsaw , Indiana for Brad 's mom 's family reunion . It was a beautiful weekend . . . breezy and much cooler than most August weekends feel . We don 't get to spend a lot of time with this side of the family , unless there 's been a death in the family , so it was really great to spend time with them relaxing and enjoying our time together . Honestly , the only way it could have been better is if Ryan , Jennifer , and Rianna could have been there with us . As you 'll see from the photos below , the kids had a BLAST ! Bailey quickly attached herself to her cousins , especially Noah ( who is 4 ) . The two of them hit it off almost immediately , enjoying feeding the ducks , swinging at the park , and blowing bubbles . Jake really enjoyed having the freedom to run and chase Bailey 's pink bouncy ball ( yes , poor James got stuck on the receiving end of the ball most of the time - THANK YOU TO JAMES FOR THE HELP ! ) . After the reunion , we spent some time at Brad 's aunt Dawn 's house . Dawn and her husband , Jesse , have horses . I was excited to see Bailey 's reaction to them . She saw them earlier this summer at Dawn 's house , but was very reluctant . I had hoped that she 'd warm up to the idea of petting them . I have always been somewhat afraid of horses ( and basically most animals ) , so I guess I 've been hopeful that Bailey and Jake will take after Brad , who lacks fear of most any animal . Anyway , Bailey was so excited to see the horses . Jesse was feeding them some apples and tried to help her hold the apples out for the horses to take . Bailey , being her nervous little Andrea - like self , kept jerking her hand away right as the horse would get close . After about 10 attempts and a few fits of laughter from all of us , Jesse managed to hold her hand still and lift the apple into the horse 's mouth , giving Bailey the idea that she had been successful . : ) I guess there are some things that are just genetic . . . oh well . . . I guess it could be worse ! Here are a few pictures from the weekend ! 0 It 's been a couple of weeks since I 've blogged - my apologies since I know you know the next few will be long to get caught up ! : ) My grandmother passed away about two weeks ago and it 's been hard getting back into the routine of blogging . She was a wonderful grandmother and will be missed . . . is already missed by many . The kids didn 't really seem to understand what was going on , and I was so lucky to have my mother - in - law take care of them while we attended the visitation and funeral . Poor woman . . . she was stuck with the little hellions about 5 times in about a two week timeframe . I think she has had her fill for a while ! : ) You probably think I 'm terrible for saying I could see how she 'd have her fill , but you have to understand what we 're now dealing with . Bailey is becoming more bossy ( no , we didn 't think that was possible ) . She is beginning to understand the concept of time ( tomorrow , yesterday , now ) . Now is probably the most important of these . Every time we have a request from Bailey , the word " NOW " is added to the end . If you don 't acknowledge her needs or wants immediately , she repeats herself louder and louder until you either give in or have a breakdown . : ) Jake is also becoming more difficult in his demands . He is learning a few words at a time . His favorite new word is " ow si " ( translation : outside ) . He stands at our backdoor , banging on the window , crying " ow si . " Of course , it rained for one of the first times this summer this week , so he was very upset by our negative response to his request . When Jake doesn 't get his way , he now resorts to throwing toys , laying in the floor and hitting things , crying , and hitting whatever is in his path ( toys , doors , walls , Bailey ) . Perhaps the worst part about Jake is his ability to climb on top of everything . I 've never been around a little one that can climb onto the table with his speed . What 's bad is that he doesn 't realize he can fall , or just doesn 't care that he can . So , I can 't turn my head for a second . Brad actually has decided to turn the chairs upside0 Well , I 've promised them long enough and keep putting off deciding which pictures to upload . . . SO . . . here are a couple beach pictures from our vacation ( over a month ago ) ! You can also check out my myspace page at www . myspace . com / andreaooten and click on pics to see the rest of them ! Let me know if you have trouble getting to them and I 'll see if I can save them someplace else ! 0 |
Month : November 2015 THE BOYFRIEND November 20 , 2015 CarmineberylLeave a comment She was ready to draw blood . No other expression could come close to expressing what Anna was feeling right now . She felt so ferocious that she could tear Vikas up , limb by limb , with her bare hands , if he were to fall into her hands right now , by any stroke of luck . She couldn 't even begin to imagine how he had had the guts to threaten her elder sister , Sophia , who was soon to be married . That very morning , a package which had Sophia 's name on it had been delivered to the house by the courier . Thankfully , it had been Anna , instead of Sophia , who had received it . She had playfully stolen back to her own room with the package , with the intention of taking a peek at the contents of it , before hiding it away , just to irritate Sophia . She was sure that Rupert , Sophia 's fiancé , had sent something special for his would - be wife ; maybe that something was meant only for the soon - to - be - bride 's eyes , and knowing that her punk sister had opened it and looked at the contents , would piss Sophia off to no end . Smiling widely at the thought , Anna cut open the package to find a pain of envelopes inside . It was then that the handwriting on the envelopes caught her eyes . It was in Vikas ' handwriting - untidy and illegible , as she very well knew . She opened the thinner of the envelopes and out dropped a piece of paper with the same dirty , scrawling handwriting across it . She picked it up and began to read , and as she read , her anger continued to increase until it knew no bounds . The wicked son of a gun ! And to think that she had once fancied herself to have been in love with him , and until recently , thought of him with pity ! He was unworthy of love or even pity ; nay , unworthy of any humane feeling , unworthy even of being left alive . She lost no time in deciding that she had to put an end to him , before he managed to put an end to her sister 's as well as her entire family 's happiness . For the gist of the letter was that if Sophia didn ' The very first thing that Anna felt , after going through the photographs in the other envelope , was that her entire world was about to fall apart . She sat there like a statue for some time , the open letter in one hand and the photographs in the other , stunned as much by Vikas ' audacity as by the realisation of how much she would hate to see her world crumble around her . And as she sat there , her initial shock was gradually replaced by boundless anger and a burning desire for vengeance . At the sound of her sister 's voice just outside her room , the door to which she had fortunately closed upon entering , she came back to her senses and thrust letter , envelopes and all into the narrow space between her writing - table and the wall , which she knew to be a safe place for hiding things while the package she kicked under the bed ; and it was not a moment too soon , for just as she had accomplished these tasks , the handle of the door turned and in came Sophia , asking her to get ready to go to the tailor 's in order to have a look at and maybe even try on the wedding trousseau . However , when Anna turned her pale face towards her , while holding onto the table , Sophia stopped short , petrified at the look on her sister 's face . In another moment , though , she was beside Anna , voicing her concerns that the excitement of the coming wedding was , perhaps , a bit too much for her , that she needed some rest and that she could very well go to the tailor 's alone . Anna , however , brushed away her concern and trying to compose herself , announced that she wouldn 't let Sophia go there alone . For a ghost of a plan was slowly forming in her brain . She needed to be with Sophia , in order to use her phone to send a text to Vikas , confirming the rendezvous . Nobody besides her needed to know anything about the package and its contents . She would go to meet Vikas , disguised as Sophia , which wasn 't a tough job , as the sisters bore a striking similarity in their looks and figures . Even their voices were similar , or so everybody who knew both By the time Sophia and Anna came back home , it was late in the afternoon . Their food was waiting for them on the table in the kitchen downstairs , but Anna went straight up to her room , on the pretext of getting some much - needed rest . She locked the door so that no one could surprise her by suddenly coming into her room . Then she brought out the package , letter , envelopes and photographs from their hiding - place and put them into the bag that she meant to carry to Vikas 's house . She also put a torch inside . For a moment she debated whether to take her grandfather 's old pistol or at least the sharpest kitchen - knife that she could find , with her but decided that she would think about that later . So she sat down on her bed and tried to think up some more details of the plan that she was going to put into execution in a few hours ' time . But however much she tried to concentrate on chalking out a plan , her thoughts always seemed to go back to the one regret that she nursed within herself - her involvement with Vikas . When they had met at the town church , more than a year ago , he had seemed like nice person . He had told her how he had lost his teen brother to dengue , his mother , who had been delirious with sorrow after her younger son 's death , in an accident , how he himself had nearly lost the use of his right leg due to illness and how he still carried around the effect of the illness in the form of the limp in his right leg , whenever he walked . She had been moved by his tales of suffering and his partial disability , and they had slowly bonded . Now that she came to think of it , she wondered how much of what he had said was actually true , for someone who had suffered so much could never wish to make another person suffer . What good was suffering to anyone if it didn 't serve to mellow one 's feelings and make one more empathetic towards others ? It was only after they started to go out together that she began to discover his true colours . He was a megalomaniac and a xenophobic . He was also extremely critical of other people and possessive to a fault . The first few times she was amused when he had expressed his intention to injure somebody he didn 't like in a bad way , thinking that he was just trying to be funny in his crude , semi - educated way ; but as time passed , she came to understand that he actually meant every word of what he said and had he the means and opportunity to do as he pleased , he wouldn 't stop to think before he started putting everybody but himself in harm 's way . She began to feel frustrated when he talked about forgiveness and godliness , on one hand and of the cruel , monstrous things he wanted to do to anybody who chanced to fall foul of him , all in the same breath . So in less than three months , Anna began to try to distance herself from him . She also started to have a bad feeling when he started to ask her for money nearly every day , on some pretext or another , and pressurizing her to take their relationship ' to the next level ' . Here she was trying to put as much distance between the two of them as possible , and he was begging her for money and physical intimacy . She couldn 't but think of him as being really cheap . Then , one day , one of her friends informed her that Vikas worked as an escort for wealthy women and girls living in the other part of the town . A pair of cousins of the girl had showed her his website and told her of their many experiences with him . Anna had been so outraged at her friend 's apparent presumption that she had nearly thrown her out of the house , and had only stopped short when her friend had shown her the photographs that she had brought along as proof , including one of his website . What Anna had felt , when faced with these sordid proofs of her boyfriend 's ugly truth , couldn 't be described in words . She had known that he was cheap , but she couldn 't ever have believed him to be capable of thisIt had been months since they had parted , and though for the first couple of months Anna had been afraid that Vikas might try to contact her or harm her in some way or the other , for she wouldn 't put it past him to injure her in any and every possible way , he had done nothing of the sort . Until now , of course . She knew exactly why he was doing this . It was the surest way to ruin Anna as well as her family 's happiness . He hated Anna because she knew his truth , but he also hated Sophia , perhaps as much as he hated Anna or may be even more , because Sophia had loathed him from the very beginning . She had tried to tell her younger sister numerous times that there was something very objectionable about this fellow , that she ought not to mix with men of this kind and so on . However , her objections had fallen on deaf ears for three months at least , until her sister had suddenly ceased meeting this imp . That was exactly what she thought of him - as a bringer of evil . So she was greatly pleased when Anna stopped seeing him , though she often wondered why . However , she forbore from asking questions and just hoped that her sister hadn 't been scarred by her association with the vile creature . So she had secretly kept watch over her , so that if and when Anna needed support of any kind or a shoulder to cry on , she could be there for her , no matter what . She loved her sister very much and couldn 't bear to see her hurt . It was late in the evening when Anna , heavily muffled up in a sweater , a muffler and a shawl , made her way downstairs , after checking to see that nobody was around . She entered the kitchen on her way out , grabbed the biggest and sharpest knife that she could find , and slipped out the back door . She let herself out through the garden - gate and walked rapidly up the road towards the hill where Vikas ' house stood . She looked back stealthily a couple of times to see if somebody had seen her , but everything seemed normal . She was thankful that it was a cold evening , as it wouldn 't cause anybody , not even Vikas , to become suspicious regarding her heavily muffled appearance . The shawl had allowed her to conceal the bag that she was carrying . It would also help her to disguise her voice , so that Vikas wouldn 't know her for who she really was until the time was ripe . She was relieved to see from a distance that only one room on the ground floor had a light on . The rest of the house was in darkness . This meant that the pest was away and she would have the house to herself for quite some time . She just hoped that she might get hold of all the copies and be able to destroy them before Vikas arrived . When she reached the house , she stood in the shadow of the trees and looked and listened for the sign and sound of anybody else 's presence . When she was perfectly satisfied that there was nobody in the house , she entered it through the downstairs window that she had used many times before , whenever she had wanted to startle him . She knew that it was the second room to the left of the room that was well - lit that she had entered . That was the room where she would start her search , for that room was the one that Vikas worked in - his ' office ' as he called it ( and Anna had to stifle a snigger when she thought of his ' business ' and how necessary it must be for him to have an ' office ' ) , and it contained most of his stuff , including his computer . She opened the door of the room , came out , walked past the next door , She had been waiting for around half an hour , when she heard the sound of his bike coming uphill . She steeled her nerves for the coming interview . She walked fast towards the gate as his bike came into view . She needed to keep him from going into the house . Instead she was planning to take him round to the back of the house , where she had discovered just the right spot for a perfect final descent down the steep hill - side . That was exactly where she was planning to take him , to urge him to take the final step into the dark nothingness that extended beyond the spot where the ground ended . She had the knife with her to use to her advantage when trying to persuade him to do that . Vikas got down from his bike with a surprised but satisfied smirk . He hadn 't expected Sophia to be waiting there for him when he got home . This was a really pleasant surprise . The prey had walked into the net , willingly , without a winkling of what was to happen later . He had no intention of letting her go free . He knew how much she hated him ; she , on the other hand , was about to know just how much he hated her and her little sister . True , he was going to destroy the photographs that he had promised to - they weren 't important to him , for he very well knew that anybody who looked at them would know that they had been photoshopped and were not the real ones . He had only used them to lure his prey into the trap . He was looking forward to spending the night with Sophia , for he had a camera hidden away , that would record a video of the two of them ' in the act . ' That would be the real thing - his trump to play whenever and in whatever way he wanted . The sisters would be getting so much more than they had bargained for , when they had dared to cross his path . ' We need not go into the house just yet . We need to talk . Humour me , please . ' Anna said , assuming as much of the authoritative tone that Sophia used with outsiders . ' Sure . Be my guest . We could talk inside , though . It 's cosier and warmer there . ' Vikas said , mentally noting the tone Sophia had used . That was what he loved about the sisters , the cool air of authority that they seemed to carry around with themselves . They thought they were invincible . Any other girl would have been on her knees , begging him to spare her , with tears in her eyes . Nothing of the sort was to be expected from Sophia or Anna Ealing . He was so going to enjoy breaking them . ' I wouldn 't feel comfortable talking inside the house . ' Anna said . ' Or even out here , in front of the house . Somebody might see us . ' She added , apparently as an after - thought . She somehow had to get him to accompany her to the back of the house . ' I think it would be better if we went round to the back . There 's enough space to walk about in and no fear of being seen or overheard . Anna had told me much about the house , ' she added as an explanation . Vikas didn 't seem disinclined to accompany her . After all , he was the hunter . He had no fear of being hunted , or so he thought . So they went round to the back ; he laughing inwardly at her foolish preoccupation with whether somebody would see them together , when she should instead be worried about what he was going to do to her , and she , clutching the handle of the knife with much more force than was required . ' It 's a cold night ' , Vikas remarked , trying to make small talk , when they had crossed most of the backyard in an uncomfortable silence , and had already entered the darkest part of it , led by Anna . She made no answer . Now , for the first time , Vikas wondered what Sophia wanted to talk about . Still wondering , he bumped into the girl who was leading the way , for she had suddenly stopped . Before he could recover himself , however , he felt the sharp , cold point of something against his throat , slightly cutting into the soft skin . ' Sophia , what … ' he started to whimper , as realization hit him . ' Honey , it 's Anna , not Sophia . Don 't tell me that you aren 't happy to see me here , after such a long time . ' Anna said in a cold and murderous voice , cutting him short . ' Surprised , yes , but not disappointed , surely ? Don 't break my heart , darling . ' She said in a voice full of mock caress . She started to advance towards the spot she had chosen , holding the knife at his throat and forcing him to back away towards the edge . ' Threatening my family 's safety by sending that package was a big mistake , ' she continued . ' Thankfully , though , it fell into my hands . I knew what you were capable of . Sadly , the same can 't be said about you . You underestimated me , because I let you go last time . This time , though , you won 't escape . I 'll make sure of that . ' They had reached the edge by this time . Vikas was silently and fearfully watching the sheer drop into the darkness beneath while trying to think of a way to save himself . Anna came closer , the knife cutting deeper into the flesh , urging him to take just one more step . Suddenly Vikas grabbed Anna 's hand , the one holding the knife at his throat , and whirling around , so that Anna now stood balancing on her toes on the brink instead of him , with eyes full of surprise , he pushed her into the infinite darkness below . He stood there for some time , shocked at what he had done but feeling relieved at the same time , expecting to hear one last shriek of pain or the dull thud of the body hitting the ground , but no sound came up to him . Then , taking out his handkerchief to stem the flow of blood , he walked back to the house with a haunted look in his eyes . For the next few days , he shut himself up in his house , afraid that the police would soon come searching for him . He hadn 't planned on killing anybody , not even by accident . He had only wanted to ruin the sisters ; it would have been so much fun if he could have wiped the smug smiles off their faces , if he could have only made them grovel at his feet . But he hadn 't thought , even in his worst nightmares , that Anna would have been capable of this . It was only through sheer luck that he wasn 't lying broken into bits somewhere at the bottom of the hill , instead of Anna . And how could he ever forget that look in her eyes as she fell off the edge when he had pushed her ? That look of pure malice mingled with surprise was going to haunt him for a very long time . His hours of waking and of sleep were alike being overshadowed by the memory of that look in her eyes and of her voice echoing in his ears that there was no escape for him this time . If ever he chanced to doze off or so much as close his eyes , he would wake up shrieking , for he often seemed to hear her voice calling his name or her hand reaching out for him from beyond the rocky grave . The sound of the newspaper being thrown against the door by the delivery - man or the knock of the milkman on the door made his blood run cold in his veins . The crunch of feet on the gravel path made him crouch into the darkest corner like a frightened animal , in anticipation of her approach . Life started to become a living hell for him , so much so that , had the police got wind of the murder and come to arrest him , he would have welcomed their presence in the hope that their company would save him from the persistent company of the dead . When they missed Anna at home that evening , her family started wondering about her whereabouts . By next morning , when there was still no news of Anna , Mrs . Ealing started losing consciousness and talking crazy . She started telling anybody who would hear her that she could hear Anna 's voice calling her from far away . By this time , everybody started to have a bad feeling about Anna 's disappearance and the police were notified . They promised to try their utmost to locate her , and after noting down the necessary details - which wasn 't much because nobody had seen her since the previous afternoon - they left . Sophia missed her sister . For the first few days after Anna 's disappearance , she locked herself up in her room and refused to have food . She kept wondering about where Anna could have gone and why , what could have happened to her and so on . Just about the time her mother started raving about hearing Anna 's voice from far away , she started having nightmares about her . She started to wake up screaming in the middle of the night after dreaming that Anna was falling into a dark chasm . Her parents as well as Rupert grew concerned about her . They started spending as much time with her as possible . Rupert even started to spend his nights at her bed - side , keeping watch over her while she slept . Things apparently started getting back to normal , after about a month since Anna 's disappearance . The watchfulness and the anxiety , though , were still very much there . Nobody in the family could bear to talk about the pain they were going through , but they could read the suffering in each - other 's eyes . Every time somebody knocked at the front door , the family would rush eagerly to the door , as a body , expecting some news from the police about Anna . And one evening , when Sophia went into her room , she gave a loud shriek that brought the rest of the house running into her room . She later explained that , for a moment , it had seemed as if she had seen a figure sitting on her bed in the darkness . After the light had been switched on , a thorough search was made , but there was nobody there . However , they did find one of Anna 's earrings lying on the floor beside the bed . This incident , though insignificant to the others , deeply affected Sophia and her mother , both of whom were convinced that it was a sign that Anna was trying to reach out to them . One morning , a month after this incident , the police came to the Ealing house with some strange news . In the early hours of the morning , a woman had run into the police station , dishevelled and in a bad state of shock , and had fainted before she could be questioned . After she had regained consciousness , she had told them something incredible . She had spent the previous night at the house of some guy named Vikas . Though she had tried to hide the fact , they had deduced that she was a one of the women who availed themselves of Vikas ' escort services . She hadn 't heard from him for a long time , nearly two months , nor had any of her friends who knew him . So she had decided to come to his house and see for herself whether everything was well with him . She had found him in a terrible state , crouching in a dark corner and frightened out of his wits , but he had welcomed her presence there , so much so that it had seemed as if his life depended on it . So it had been in reality , as she now knew . They had spent a wild night and had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning . Sometime later , she had been awakened by a whimpering sound in the room and she had woken up to find that , though it was still dark outside , the room was filled with an eerie bluish glow . Vikas was on the floor , being pulled by the hand across it by a horrible creature that looked like a ghostly parody of a woman , decayed and broken to bits . It was creeping across the floor and pulling Vikas , who was begging for mercy , along with it . She wasn 't sure whether it had all been in her imagination , but the creature had seemed to say , in a voice full of agony , ' I promised that this would be the last time that you tried to mess up somebody 's life and that I won 't let you escape . When you pushed me off the edge that night , you thought you had saved yourself , but you were wrong . I 've come back to get you . ' And then , the creature had laughed a drawn - out laugh that was full of malice and something else - pain may be , for the creature that was crThis was the story that she had told the police . They suspected that she might herself have pushed Vikas off the hill , for some reason , and was now giving them this story to throw them off - track . However , they informed the Ealings , they were holding this woman , while a search was being conducted to retrieve the bodies of Vikas and this other woman that she had mentioned , just in case there might be some truth hidden in her story . That day , many a tear were shed by Sophia 's family and her extended family , including Rupert and his family . Sophia and Anna 's mother fainted quite a few times , while Sophia sat there like a stone - statue , unable to shed tears - so deep was her grief at the prospect of knowing for sure that her sister was lost to her for ever - and wondering why Anna would have gone to meet Vikas at his house and how these events had come to pass , if indeed it were Anna that they would find lying broken at the bottom of the hill . Late that evening , however , the police came back with the news that , though they had found Vikas lying there , dead , with his limbs and his back broken and his head smashed by the impact of hitting a huge chunk of rock , they couldn 't find another body , not even after an extensive search of all the nearby places . Yet they were sure that there had been another body , possibly a woman 's , for they had found a set of torn and bloodied clothes that had belonged to a woman as well as a single piece of jewellery - an earring , which they had brought back for identification . Besides , there were marks on the rocky soil of something heavy having been dragged , accompanied by the faint marks of hands and feet . These marks had been present for some distance and had then abruptly disappeared . The police were of the opinion that if it had been Anna who had been pushed off the edge by Vikas , she had tried to drag herself for some distance before she had died . What they couldn 't account for , however , were the presence of the clothes and jewellery and the absence of a body . They thought that it might have been possible that the remains of the body had been carried away by a wild animal or animals , in which case , it would be impossible to locate any part of the missing body at all . The Ealing family identified the retrieved clothes and jewellery as having belonged to Anna . This was the only way in which the police could ascertain the fact that Anna was dead and therefore close the case . As to how Vikas had met his end , a report citing accident as the probable cause of death was given out . After further investigation , the woman was released as nothing could be found to implicate her in the two deaths . However , the media soon got wind of her story and paranormal activity suddenly became the centre of everybody 's attention . A quiet funeral service was held for Anna by her family and a few off their nearest friends and in the absence of a body , the clothes and jewellery that had been retrieved by the police were put in a coffin and buried . Sophia , however , retained the earring which had been found lying on the floor near her bed , because it was the one of a pair , the other one being the one that had been retrieved by the police from the site of Anna 's death . She was now convinced that Anna had indeed come to say farewell to her that evening . So , that Christmas , which should also have been Anna 's twenty - seventh birthday , Sophia and Rupert paid a secret visit to Anna 's grave and lit twenty - seven candles and arranged them beside the grave so that they read ' We love you . ' When they came back home , however , they were greeted by a singular sight . Somebody had arranged a number of half - burnt but unlit candles on the floor of Sophia 's room . They read , ' Love you too . ' When they counted the candles , they found there were exactly twenty - seven of them there . Every year since then , Sophia and Rupert , who are now married , have made it a secret ritual to pay a visit to Anna 's grave on Christmas day and light candles beside her grave , adding an extra candle each year . And every year , when they come back home , they always find the exact number of half - burnt , unlit candles waiting for them on the floor of their room . Share this : TwitterFacebookPinterestGoogleEmailLinkedInLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Uncategorized NaNoWriMo , November 2015 November 1 , 2015November 1 , 2015 CarmineberylLeave a comment Participating in NaNoWriMo , 2015 this month . Whoo ! I 'm in a good mood because I 've written around 300 words so far . Glad to be on the way . I just hope it comes out well . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
" You is a pretty bitch , but you needs to get out of my spot . " I opened my eyes and my face was inches away from that of a big black guy in purple eye shadow and a lace do rag . Fuck . She rolled over and snuggled up to me . It was only then that I realized I was bare assed and uncovered . She giggled . " Because every Saturday morning , Lafayette does the walk of shame straight to my house to tell me about his adventures in babysitting the night before while we drink coffee and eat fattening pastries over cartoons … Back off Sweetie . He 's mine . " She giggled again and tossed the sheet over me so I rolled over to my back and propped myself up . " Eric , this is my roommate from college , Lafayette Reynolds . Lafayette , this is my fiancé , Eric Northman . " " A - I am not just some co - ed ho that shared a hot plate with you ! We sisters ! B - When the FUCK were you going to tell me ? " " I 'm sorry . You 're right … Eric , Lafayette has always been more than my roommate . The two of us go together like high heels and a short skirt . " I watched him put his hands together and bow dramatically as thanks for her acknowledgement . " And Eric just asked me on Halloween . " " It is what it is . " He kissed her cheek and rolled off the bed and went to her closet . Apparently , he kept clothes at her house . " I don 't know . It 's my life . I 'm used to it all . I 'm sorry if it seems crazy . I know your life is pretty quiet . " " Ok . Let me know if I 'm leaving something out . You work for Stackhouse Landscaping as a part time receptionist and bookkeeper . You teach History and Government , unofficially act as school counselor , supervise the Killer Club , coach cheerleading , anything else ? What were those books that got mentioned last night ? " I 'd heard that name before . Where was it ? Thinking … thinking … Shit ! " The one that wrote those books for kids about famous people who had learning and mental disabilities ! … ' In Spite of Everything ' right ? That 's what they 're called ? " She started laughing . " Ew . You 've got a lot to learn if you 're ' that guy ' who buys books for dyslexic kids on their birthday . Do you buy Ho - hos for diabetics too . " I laughed and swatted her ass . " It was an afterthought . I saw it when I was in the book store . I had already bought him an ass load of Magnetix . " " I get to school at 7 : 30 . School gets out at 3 . Monday is Serial Interrogative until about 4 : 30 . Wednesday and Thursday I supervise Cheerleading until 4 : 30 . My cousin 's son spends a couple nights a week with me when she works late . Friday night I go to the game and Saturday morning after breakfast in bed with Lafayette we work the girls out . Saturday night , I usually go out with Sam and Tara and Sundays Daddy and Jas and I go out to breakfast . That 's all default settings . There 's a lot weekends I 'm not even in town . You were lucky it was flu season . When school was canceled , I almost went to Dallas to visit a friend until Daddy and Jas got sick . " Shit . How lucky for me . " No wonder you weren 't lonely . You 're too busy . " She smiled at me . " So how did you end up living off campus as a freshman ? With a male roommate ? " " When Daddy and I took the tour of the college , we took a walk on the campus at night and ALL of the dorms were crazy busy . Some had parties but most were just loud from warring stereos . Daddy didn 't like the idea of me walking back and forth to the library at all hours to study in the quiet , so a couple of weeks before school started , we went and looked for an apartment . " " Not exactly . Back then , Lafayette was still hiding . What got Daddy was that Lafayette 's first words to us when he opened the door were … " " I have a 4 point 5 - 5 grade point average . I plan to keep it that way . You can find loud music at a club . Not here . Even your cell needs to be quiet . Any problem with that ? " I looked over at Lafayette who was now standing in the doorway to the bathroom , draped in a towel . " Oh no . Uh uh . You seen them movies where the silly negro goes running up the stairs to see what made ' that noise ' , then the next thing you see is that fool bitch 's head rolling down the steps . Thump . thump . thump … I 'm not that stupid . When I 'm told that they is a monster in the closet , I don 't open that fuckin ' do ' ! … Never met the bitch . " I liked him already . A lot . Sookie got out of bed , still nude , and went to her dresser . I sat up on the edge of the bed to start shaking the cobwebs off . She was digging for something to put on when Alcide came to the door . He barely managed to grumble a ' good morning ' before he realized that Sookie was naked . I laughed again when I realized that Sookie had taken cover behind her friend . " Lafayette , that 's Alcide . He 's Eric 's partner . Could you dig something out for me , please ? " She kissed his cheek and disappeared into the bathroom . Lafayette came over to the bed and laid on Sookie 's side , singing Alcide 's name he propped himself up on an elbow . He pat the bed next to him and blew a kiss when Alcide turned around . The look on his face was priceless . I laughed so hard that I fell over on the bed . I slapped Lafayette five when he offered . Having him around was going to be fun . Lafayette chuckled and dropped his voice . " I don 't know hooker . That all depends on the price of your stroll . " OH . MY . GOD ! I thought I was going to die choking it all back . Considering the way I 've seen him talk to women , Sookie in particular , he deserved to feel like a piece of meat right now . Sookie and Lafayette were talking while they got dressed . I got a quick shower and she was blowing her hair dry and he was putting on eye shadow when I got out . Sookie had put on a tight pair of black work out shorts and a Bon Temps High tank top . " I found sexy , smart , and fun in the same place AND I get some cheerleader fantasy on the side ? I am a lucky mother fucker . " Sookie stretched up to kiss me . " I found sexy , smart and fun in the same place and I get some cop fantasy on the side . We 're lucky enough we should hit Vegas . " When Sookie and I came down the hall , Corbett was still hugging and greeting Lafayette . Then Jason complained about being chopped liver so Lafayette hugged him too . When I went to shake Mr . Stackhouse 's hand , he hugged me instead . " It 's nice to see you didn 't get scared off after last night . " He patted my back . " Call me Corbett until you 're comfortable with calling me Dad . " I almost argued that I was hardly comfortable calling my own father ' dad ' , but I kept that to myself . Instead , I just thanked him . When Sookie finally got her turn hugging him , she introduced Pam , who licked her lips . " Daddy , what brings you ? " She was laughing at the smirk on her father 's face . Alcide and I REALLY felt like we were watching shark week . Pam was flirting , and Sookie 's father was enjoying it . Lafayette , Alcide and I tripped over each other trying to see his left hand through the window by the front door . I KNOW he was wearing it last night . I remember noticing it . When we gave up trying to confirm that it was gone , all three of us looked at Jason . Pam laughed at the three of us , calling us stooges . Not a one of us could think of anything to say until Lafayette threw a punch at nothing and started whooping . He jumped up and wrapped his legs around Jason , kissing his head . When he was done , Jason put Lafayette down like he hadn 't just caught a 200 pound man midair without budging . " After y ' all left last night , he didn 't say a word to her . He went to her room and packed her things . This morning , we ate a silent breakfast and we took her to the train station to go stay with her sister then stopped at the bank to start an allowance for her . He 's done . He warned her about it being the last straw . I tell you what , she 's lucky she didn 't scare you off . " Ok . As a recap , I woke up this morning next to a man , spent a fair amount of time in bed naked with him , then took a Very Brady Shower which I hadn 't done since college . I watched my boss flirt with my future father in law . Found out that my in - laws are getting a divorce . And now the wicked witch of the south is the only person in the room who can muster a word of concern . All of this before I 've had a drop of coffee … Coffee . That 's what I needed . Jason started laughing . " He 's fine . They haven 't slept in the same room since we were in high school and Sookie will be fine . When we were kids , we used to ask Santa for a divorce . There 's nothing left of the horse to beat . " I started for the kitchen and waved at them to follow me . " Does Tara know ? " I pulled coffee cups and set them and the pot on the table and started the makings of a fresh pot . " After dinner . Bout 8 . Dirges In the Dark is a bar . Laf , you gotta make sure Sook comes . Daddy won 't play without her . " " I have some stuff , but she 'd rather have hers . If we just tell her it 's for Daddy , you shouldn 't have to use cuffs or anything . Just don 't let her wear a skirt or she 'll use it as an excuse to not take the seat . I 'll have Tara and Sam come out too . " I was totally lost in the conversation , but I was afraid if I said anything , I 'd give myself away . Thankfully , Pam was getting sucked into the Stackhouse vortex like Alcide and I had been . " What seat ? Play what ? " " Sookie hated singing in pageants so she taught herself to play guitar , hoping that Sheila would let her do that instead . Of course , the answer was no . Daddy didn 't want her effort to get wasted so he 'd take her to the garage and would play , then I joined in , then Sam . Laf even joins in once in a blue moon . Any of y ' all play anything ? " " Shit . It would have been nice to have an extra drummer . Sookie hates it because she gets sweaty , but she 's the only one of us who can keep her air to sing and play at the same time . " He looked up at me while I poured my coffee and grabbed a danish . " Can I talk to you for a minute ? " " It was bad . She nearly died . The doctors weren 't sure if she 'd be alright even if she woke up because the concussion was so bad . Did she tell you anything about the guy who did it ? " " She came home for Thanksgiving . She had a huge fight with Bill after dinner and broke up with him , again . She was talking to me and Daddy about it when Sheila came in . Bill had called her and told her what a bitch Sookie was being , so Sheila laid into Sookie . Daddy and I helped her pack to go back that night because she really just needed to get out of Dodge . Anyway , when she got back to school , she took an extra shift the next day . That 's when it happened . Daddy and I both knew it was Bill . We called Bud and the whole of Bon Temps was looking for him and his folks said that he went back to school but nothing added up . We found out that he flew home out of Nashville instead of Shreveport . " I wanted to walk across the cemetery and shoot him in the face on the spot . Jason shook his head . " We know that part of the fight was because Sheila had told Bill that Sookie was living off campus with a man . We hadn 't told her that he was gay because she 's a bigot from the word go . " He nodded . " Daddy and I spent a month in Nashville with her , helping her bounce back and get around . I took her to classes because I blended in better being her age . Daddy took care of the apartment and her errands . Lafayette was the only one she 'd let help her bathe … " He trailed off , obviously bothered by the memory . " Lafayette came home with us for Christmas and Sheila had left for her sister 's house that morning . After the way she acted about the rape , Daddy told her not to be there when we got home . After Christmas break they went back to school and three days later Daddy got a hysterical call from Sookie . She was waiting for paramedics to come . She came home from class and found Lafayette in a puddle of blood on the floor . The whole apartment had been trashed except for her room . So Daddy and I went and stayed for another month to help him . Again , Bill was in the wind but no one had any real proof other than the broken nose Laf gave him which he claimed he got in a bar fight in Seattle that no one else remembered . He 'd worn a mask this time . " He looked surprised that I 'd thought to ask for a second . " No … To be honest I don 't think the cops gave a shit to put a real effort in . They saw a pretty co - ed with big boobs and a ' fag ' and figured they had it coming . All that is how Sheila broke Sookie down enough to marry Bill after Gran died . That fucker even got offered a job in Nashville and turned it down to keep her from finishing up . She wasn 't right the whole time they were together . The day she walked out on Bill , it was like she woke up . She started doing all the stuff she talked herself into not liking while she was with him because he ' frowned ' on it . " " Everybody wants her . There ain 't a guy in this town with feeling below the waist that wouldn 't leave his family for her . There 's a reason she won all those pageants . She 's fuckin ' Helen of Troy . He wanted her as a prize though . He comes from old money and has a sense of entitlement that could choke a horse . " " Yeah . I 'm just telling you this because now that you 're in the picture , he might consider it a dare or something . I feel a little better knowing that she has the gun , but I still worry that she wouldn 't use it . And you can 't always be around . " Jason had been stone faced the entire time we 'd been on the back porch and the moment I said that I was moving in , his face was all smile . " No shit ! Do you know when you 're getting hitched ? " Back in the kitchen , everyone was gathered and enjoying the company . Pam was still flirting with Corbett . Fuck . I didn 't have time to rheum over it for long before Lafayette came up behind me and hugged my chest . Sookie chimed in . " My cheerleading squad will be here in minutes . You 'll have a pool of girls I 'd trust to stay here with the little guys . We should all go . When was the last time you and Amelia went out ? " After Corbett and Jason left and Sookie and Lafayette went outside it took all of 30 seconds for Alcide and Pam to tell me that they didn 't get anything from Arlene that Sookie hadn 't already given us . Alcide had the idea to take our laptops out to the porch so that he could smoke as much as he wanted while we worked . I didn 't argue . I wanted to watch Sookie . We quickly realized that we didn 't have much that we could do without Sookie 's help and set the computers aside . Alcide sat on the steps and smoked while Pam and I watched from the swing . There were only 3 boy - leaders among the squad of 18 girls and they were built like linebackers . I found out later that they were on the football team and they were only used during the halftime cheers . I wish I had thought of that . Nice gig . Lafayette was up close and personal with Sookie . Every time she suggested a move where a lift was involved , Lafayette was the one she did it with . She even sat on his shoulders while he paced back and forth during a routine run through . I know that it was to ' maintain propriety ' since they weren 't on school grounds and they are dealing with horny teenagers , but I had a friend in high school who pretended to be gay to hook up with girls . It worked well enough that Shane had 4 or 5 girls lined up as booty calls . With the right lie , any of them would invite him over and their parents were fine with it because he was ' harmless ' . So anytime I saw a gay guy be chummy with a female ' friend ' , that dickhead Shane was on my mind . My 10 year reunion was coming up and I was anxious to see how long that worked for him before a father / brother / boyfriend ' discouraged ' his game . As soon as she let the girls take a break for juice and pastries , she came over and sat on my lap . " Do you mind if I gain a hundred pounds like the last coach did to get out of this job ? I 'm getting too old for this shit . " She giggled and gave me a kiss . " Yeah , but when we 're done , they 'll go to the mall and I 'll need to ice my knees . Are you avoiding the idea of me porking out ? " " Absolutely . An extra hundred pounds would make the stuff we did last night nearly impossible . " I was expecting to get a dirty look , but she giggled . " That reminds me … " She leaned over and put hand on Pam 's knee . " If you 're gonna fuck my Daddy , take it easy on him . He hasn 't been ridden hard in long time . " What ? There isn 't even dust on her mother 's dresser yet and she 's talking about him dating . " Alcide , this is Taryn . She 's a straight A student whose been babysitting since she was 12 . She 's a lifeguard at the country club during the summer and is CPR certified . She is going to school next fall for Early Childhood Development because she wants to be an elementary teacher . She told her parents that she 'd watch her kid brother tonight , but said she 'd bring him along . He 's one of Tara 's students , so Jack will be able to make a friend . You think Amelia will approve ? " He looked up at her and laughed . " She 's more qualified to tend to the kids than I am . I hope so . " He looked over at Taryn . " You don 't think your folks will mind you bringing him along ? Can you handle that many at once ? Carmichael is four and a real handful right now . " She stood up , still smiling at him and pat his shoulder . " I know that jackass . You can 't just feel it . You need to show it . " She leaned in the door and yelled that the break was over and in a heartbeat all of them came spilling out of the house , getting back into formation . The next hour of the practice was fucking torture . Excruciating . I watched as Sookie did back flips and hand springs landing in the splits . She did handstands and she did cartwheels . She did the splits . She held Lafayette 's hands and walked up his body to flip from his shoulders . Did I mention that she did the splits ? I was only vaguely aware that anyone was in the yard with her . I was , however , painfully aware that my boss was sitting right next to me . I was trapped . Fuck . I wanted , NEEDED , practice to be over . She 'd want a shower after practice . I could help her with that . That train of thought didn 't help anymore than watching her show the cheerleaders how to do a single handed handstand with the splits . Practice was just starting to wrap up when Amelia 's minivan came into view . The driveway was lined with cars and trucks and the property looked more like there was a party going than federal agents working . Alc directed her to park around the back side of the house and followed the car on foot . I had to hide my surprise . That was the closest I had ever heard Pam get to a personal question . She 'd actually said before that everything she needed to know about us was in our file . " I wish I knew . Sookie started house breaking him as soon as she met him . He was behaving by the time we were done with breakfast yesterday . " I smiled at her , and she returned it . I was also surprised to realize that Sookie had been right . Pam really was beautiful when she was relaxed . Sookie had seen Amelia pull up , so she cut everybody loose telling them that she 'd see everybody by Monday and hugged almost every one of them as they left and Lafayette went inside . I watched one girl in particular come up to Sookie as everyone else headed the other way and she spoke to her very quietly . The girl was looking at her hands as she played with her fingernails rather than looking into Sookie 's eyes . I was half expecting that this would be another Sandy situation until Sookie squealed and wrapped her arms around the girl excitedly . She was giddy when she let go off the girl to tear into the house and was back outside in seconds , leaping over the steps . She handed the girl a small brown paper bag with a little more quiet conversation and hugged her again , swatting her butt as she walked away . Sookie snorted . " You should know better than anyone that no matter what people do , they have a reason . Judging them is easier than understanding them , but it doesn 't help . " Pam balked . Her head jerked hard enough to move the swing with the weight of 3 people on it . " What makes you think that I ' M romantic ? " Pam decided to challenge her though . " Sure . " She raised her chin and looked down her nose , daring Sookie to be contrary . I knew the look well . Sookie raised an eyebrow at her with a ' you asked for it ' look . " The first thing you said when you found out that girl was going to have sex for the first time wasn 't a snide ' horny teenager ' comment . You swam to the romantic end of the pool . You show an interest in Alcide 's marriage enough to know it 's rocky . And last night when you opened your suitcase , you had matching lace bras and panties . " " You opted for ' Scary Pam ' so that you 'd be taken seriously in a man 's world . It 's worked well for you , but at the end of every day after you 've pretended to be stoic and frigid , you take off your simple suit , plain pumps and gun . The last thing you see every day is beautiful and feminine . " " Alcide and you aren 't so different . In a nutshell , his asshole armor is so that the job doesn 't get to him . When he goes home at night , he kisses kids he barely knows and a wife who misses him . So when he looks in the mirror he sees a man who 's letting his family down . He 's walled himself off instead of building a partition . Men don 't do duality well at all . " " What 's his deal ? He doesn 't seem to have a problem . He deals with it better than most I 've seen . " A compliment ? Shit . I raised an eyebrow at Pam , but Sookie caught her . " Uh uh . We 're not talking about him . We 're talking about you . " I smiled at Sookie and she kissed me . I was proud of her for catching that Pam was deflecting . " We had already talked about him . I mentioned him as a parallel . And you 're still deflecting instead of admitting that I 'm right . Romantic . " She giggled and kissed me again . " Fine , I owe you one then … It does get to Eric , but because of being raised by a man who expected him to be hard , he 's armed himself with a certain degree of ADD . So he fakes his way through unpleasantries until he can distract himself with something fun with low maintenance friends . " She gave me the ' you asked for it ' look . Oh fuck . " Oh really ? Just yesterday inside of 10 minutes time , we talked about Elektra , sharks and nuptuals before we almost clawed our way through each other 's clothes . You distract yourself from extremes by changing the subject when you can . " I could have fallen asleep right there but Lafayette came out to the porch . He had showered and was wearing a black suit and dark purple shirt and tie . Without his eye shadow , he looked like any lawyer I 'd ever met . " Alright bitches . I 've got to stop by the office . Sookie , you stay here and I 'll take your rental and trade it for Rotten . Keys and card . " She named her car ? Cute . After Lafayette left , Sookie started to do a happy dance on my lap . She was happy to be getting her car back and the dance was bringing my mood up . She noticed and gave me a smirk when she stopped moving . She grabbed my hands and stood up . " Come on and help me with lunch . " She giggled and shot me a look . Fuck . If she was going to play it like this , I wasn 't going to last . She came over and stood behind me to run her nails up the backs of my legs . She giggled again and bit at my side through my shirt . " Eric . " She wrapped her hands around to run her nails along the top of my thighs and my knees tried to buckle . She looked up at me and took a hard swallow before she took a step back . She cleared her throat . " If you could just hand me the ziplock of hot wings , that 'd be great . " FUCK . I scared her ? Fuck . fuck . fuck . fuck . shit ! I didn 't get the chance to apologize before Alcide and Amelia came in with the kids . Sookie went right over to Amelia and hugged her when Alcide started the introductions . It seemed like he 'd just woken up , so Carmichael was being shy . Jack , on the other hand , was wide awake and had brought his A game . " And you look just like him . What does that make you ? " He really does look just like Alc . Amelia had their first grade pictures framed side by side and hung them in their foyer . They were even missing the same teeth at the same time . Alcide fussed at him and Sookie gasped . " Never ! I have a closet full of fun stuff for you and Carmichael to do . Plus I have a Wii and a PSP and any movie you can think of . What do you want to do first ? " I hadn 't seen a Wii or a TV other than the big screen in her room . " I hope so . I love it here . It 's quiet and the people are friendly . And Shreveport isn 't too far away when you want to go looking for rude and busy . " It reminded me a lot of Dahlgren . Insulated and familiar but Fredericksburg wasn 't far . " Did Alc or Sookie mention that Sookie 's sister will be Jack 's teacher ? " I nodded . " Sam , your real estate guy , is her husband . They 're good people . Sookie 's already made plans for you to meet half the town too . " " A Rubbermaid full of Lincoln Logs . " Jack called for Carm to go play , so he slid down Ame 's side and ran off to see what his brother found . " Jack told me to remind you not to put mustard on his sandwich . " Alcide shook his head and started pointing his finger at me . " It 's all his fault . He liked mustard just fine until Eric said that it was ' evil ' . " While Amelia made sandwiches for the boys , Sookie went to the living room to start a movie for them . She opened the large armoire that I had assumed was for storage to reveal an entertainment center that any man would be proud of . There was another computer tower in it and on the hard drive she must have had a thousand movies . The boys eventually agreed on Swiss Family Robinson when Sookie explained what it was about and that it was one of her favorites . The 5 adults sat down to eat once the kids were set up and completely engrossed by the movie . Sookie and Amelia talked for a while about the town and its people while the rest of us munched . I had been focused on eating . Food . Not fucking . Food . I was happy to hear Amelia steer the conversation to tonight . I 'd been hoping to get a hint or two without asking . Sookie smiled at her . " It 's a dump . One of my Dad 's buddies came home from Vietnam and bought a big piece of property and opened a crop dusting business and it went under in a few years . It was just him and a plane so he was too small to compete . So he was stuck with this hangar out in the middle of BFE so Terry started having the occasional party or poker night in it until Daddy suggested that he turn it into a bar . They built a stage at one end and a bar at the other and he 's open on Friday and Saturday only . The end where the stage is has those big doors , so when there 's live music Terry opens them so the high school kids can enjoy it too . He put a gate up so they don 't cross it and cause ABC trouble and even put a window in the side so that he can serve them sodas . It 's not much , but it 's packed on weekends anyway . And it 's worse when there 's a band . The lawn will be slammed tonight at the very least . I could hear the kids cells start going off while we were running drills . " She giggled . " They think I 'm too old to hear their mosquito ring tones . Anyway , Terry named it Dirges In the Dark after Daddy 's favorite song since they 're partners . " We all smiled at her . I knew she sang in pageants , but I never imagined . Her voice was smooth and sexy and I couldn 't wait to hear her sing tonight . Sookie nodded . " I play base , violin and piano too . I prefer guitar , but Jason has a voice to kill for and can 't sing lead and drum at the same time . So we switch off . Daddy usually plays bass and sings backup but if I 'm going behind the set , he 's singing for me tonight . " Sookie giggled . " In a small town like this , they cater to all kinds . I usually wear something trashy . Jason and Daddy might wear jeans and a t - shirt in the shower for all I know . It 's all they wear . Sam will too . Tara will look like a model . Lafayette will look … well , like himself . I 've got your back though . If I can find a Halloween costume for the Iron Giant over here , we can dig out something in the realm of hotness for you . " Trashy ? Uh oh . I was still picturing ' trashy ' when Jack came in to the kitchen . " I need a rag . Carm 's juice box fell over and dribbled . " I knew what Fleet Week was . Every navy brat does . It 's when your father goes underway to Ft . Lauderdale , New York or Boston for Navy sanctioned partying and spends half a paycheck on booze and tours . " What does that have to do with Geri ? " " Fleet week is in early June . You know damn good and well that sailors get rolled and go missing , even UA all the time , especially foreign ones . One of the news reports said that Geri had just gotten back from ' vacation ' . I bet he saw her celebrating and couldn 't resist . I bet his command listed him as missing with the Ft . Lauderdale PD and NCIS . Getting a name and command would narrow down your search for previous victims too . " I got up ( sprang from my seat might be more accurate ) and kissed her cheek on my way to the bedroom . I was already powering up Alcide 's laptop when Pam came in to get hers and work from the desk . I called the Andersons while Pam called Ft . Lauderdale 's PD . I got chills when Mr . Anderson confirmed that when the family went on vacation two of Geri 's friends went with them to Ft . Lauderdale . The three girls went to an all ages club to celebrate Geri 's birthday . The father went on the mention that the girls had joked about some ' skeazy old Cuban ' trying to buy them drinks while he pulled the vacation photos up to forward them to me . Fucking hell ! Sookie was right . While Pam was rolling her eyes at the muzak from being on hold with the ' piggles ' as she called them ( local pigs ) I heard Sam and Tara come in . Pam and I listened in and I assume that Amelia looked confused to see that Tara was black because we heard Tara laughingly explain . " The Stackhouses were just too vanilla , so they added some chocolate to the party . " Then I had to explain it to Pam . " Yes ma ' am . I 'm still going to give you grief about it . " And I 'd probably call her ' Mom ' just to piss her off if they worked out . She stuck her tongue out at me . It was the most human I had ever seen Pam act . She 'd always made it a point to not socialize with her team . It was frustrating to understand why . Before I 'd assumed it was because fraternizing within ranks was never a good idea . Now , thanks to Sookie , I saw that it was because her Elvira veneer wasn 't something she could maintain 24 / 7 . I was really starting to like this Pam . I knew the guys , the type , that wouldn 't have taken her seriously . There were several , including that numb nuts Twining , that would have called her ' baby doll ' or ' toots ' if they weren 't terrified of her , but now that it was just the three of us in Shreveport she wouldn 't have to worry about it . Alcide and I would take orders as ever and let the rest of the world think she was a hard ass . " We took a lot of pictures that week . More than 1000 between the bunch of us . I 'm uploading them as I type . I hope you find what you 're looking for . " So did I . He 'd included a link to his Picasa album and I started going through them . He 'd been organized enough to have dated the pictures so I started with the June 9th folder . Right away I found the pictures that Geri and her friends had taken at the club . One of the friends was pretty shutter happy and had taken about 50 pictures ; there were only about a dozen with her in them . Dancing , drinking , posing . It was bittersweet to see Geri so happy and full of life . While her last birthday was a happy one , twenty short days later she would be taken from her driveway after she got home from work . Knocked out , her keys and her purse left next to the small blood smear on her lawn . She 'd be tossed into the back of a ' large black sedan ' . Her throat would be cut with a serrated blade , probably a cheap blister packed hunting knife from Wal - Mart , and she 'd be flipped over while her heart did the rest of the work for her murderer before he ' enjoyed ' her lifeless body over the next day . Then he 'd spray her body down with bleach and water to get rid of any DNA he might have left behind before dumping her by the back door of the Blockbuster she worked at , nude and without the locket from her boyfriend or her class ring . He 'd been keeping souvenirs . This was hard , but looking through the pictures of Lin D ' Nai 's 11th birthday was going to be worse . Seeing that bastard lurking in the shadows of a Chuckie Cheese or Build - A - Bear Workshop type of place was going to give me nightmares . A glass of Champagne with a strawberry on the rim caught my eye immediately . A few photos later there was another attention getter . Our guy . In uniform . Brazilian Navy . Son of a bitch ! There was another sailor with him in a couple of them . In one photo there were a few American sailors with him in dress whites . And I did find that damning snapshot of him leering at the victim and at full mast . That piece of shit . I started going through the other photos and quickly found him at the beach watching her the next day and again in the hotel lobby while the three friends and then the whole family posed in front of the fountain . Pam caught my attention with a snap of her fingers before she spun around in the chair and started typing on her laptop . She gave her email address to the cop on the other end before she hung up and started racing herself to her login screen . " My guess : Brazilian Equivalent of a CS . Culinary Specialist . Navy speak for mess deck crew . In our Navy they 're usually losers who don 't do well enough to make it into a real ' A ' School . " " It 'll take a while to go through all the photos . The whole family was shutter drunk , but I have the night of her birthday . Champagne with a strawberry , him stalking her with a hard on and then two other occasions where he 's stalking her . We 've got him . All we have to do is find him . " " Monday , we 'll start calling the families to get the rest of the pictures to build the case . The more we have , the better . Have you looked at the crime scene photos yet for the Pickens woman ? " " If he 's watching the schools it could spook him . Make him deviate . He could take one early and then we 'd miss our chance to get him . " After Sam and Tara left with Alcide and Amelia , Sookie and I spent the next 3 hours with the kids in the living room . We built with Lincoln Logs for a while then sat around the coffee table on the floor to draw with a Wizards of Waverly Place marathon playing . I 'd finally found something Sookie wasn 't any good at ; her drawings looked ridiculous . Even Carm laughed at her . She snickered and told us that nobody was perfect . I 'd have thought she was until I had to ask her to whether she had drawn a car or a dog . I held my papers up and took the chance to show off one of my few talents , turning out a crayon sketch of her as she tried to draw a tiger for Carm ; biting her lip , her hair tucked behind her ear and all . I snuck a peek of it to Jack and he started laughing , but he kept the secret and Sookie gave me the high eyebrow . She smiled at me . " Jack told me that his Daddy called us Ken and Barbie . I told him that you didn 't like to be called Barbie . " Jack laughed again and I couldn 't help but to join in . When I was done with it , I rolled it up and waved Jack over to give it to him . He ran straight to Sookie 's lap and held it up for her to see . Her chin puckered . We spent a minute just staring at each other before Carm demanded that I draw Tippy for him . I winked at Sookie just before I followed my orders and she blew me a kiss . Mmmm . Sookie looked up at her . " Patience Pam , patience . You have about 768 hours before he chooses another one . It 's a Saturday . You 'll have a laundry list of things to do on Monday , but I 'm sure you 'll have better luck then . " Pam closed her eyes , took a deep breath and blew it out . Then another . A few more . I could actually see her calming down . She finally opened her eyes with a peaceful expression on her face and started to survey the drawings scattered over the table . She picked up the drawing I 'd done of Sookie and studied it for a while before rolling her eyes and setting it down . " You realize that your children will be absolutely , sickeningly perfect . " I went back to my drawing of Tippy , but I could feel Sookie 's eyes on me . " All children are perfect , Pam . They are all bundles of concentrated potential . " When I looked at her out of the corner of my eye , she was smiling from ear to ear so I gave her a wink before she went back to her pumpkin / tiger . Rate this : Share this : TwitterFacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . 11 thoughts on " Chapter 5 : A Swing With A View " lubadub says : April 1 , 2010 at 11 : 28 am I 've reviewed all the chapters on FF . net but I gotta say that the picture on the top is doing wonderful things to my libido . Thank you Reply Mary says : September 15 , 2010 at 10 : 22 pm Dang . I 'm reading this story again and that picture really got my attention . Is that Askars ? It looks a lot like him though I can 't see his face . The rest looks just fine though . Reply Alie says : October 11 , 2010 at 5 : 44 am I 'm rereading this after loving AIW a bit too much and wishing for more . It 's funny to see what Eric thinks of Alcide , and how wrong he is . Thinking Alcide is reacting to getting blown a kiss by Laff , when it 's really something to do with Ame , thinking Alc is a complete ass … Poor Alc thinks of Eric as his best friend and Eric thinks he 's a complete dirtbag . It 's nuts how unobservant he actually is ! It 's nice to see that they have flaws , because even those who we think of as perfect , always have them , perhaps , just better hidden … Love , LOVE Laff ! Ame , drives me insane , that woman gives women a bad name all around . Reply slcurwin says : April 30 , 2011 at 2 : 18 pm Amazing chapter . Seriously need to get me a Lafayette for myself . True blood really did wonders keeping that character . Thanks for keeping me entertained . Reply theladykt says : April 26 , 2012 at 11 : 38 pm Ch 5 : LALA . I so love Lala . I 'm with Lala ; divorce the bitch . Alcede is getting it from all sides huh ; ROFL . YEA for Daddy ! ! ! ! ! He 's awful nice setting up the allowance . Oooh a band ! ! ! Oh wow for the rape and beat up stories . Wow cheerleader Sookie sounds hawt . Lala is such a great friend . LOVE what Alcede did to Scumbill . Bar sounds great . Terry always was a great character . Ahhh Creepy Felipe makes his appearance . Reply switbo says : August 22 , 2012 at 12 : 07 pm I have to add - ' OMG YUM ! ' about the photo at the top . Is that ASkars ? It 's certainly hot enough , but I 'd really like to know cause I 've never seen that photo before if it is him . |
Yesterday I realized that the definition of a productive day has once again changed for me . A little over a year ago , I was working for a financial company in Houston , managing a group of approximately 30 people and our job was to host and develop web sites for our company . It could be quite stressful at times , since web sites are suppose to be up and running properly 24 x 7 x 365 . When my husband and I moved to Oklahoma in January of 2006 , I quit my job in Houston and we decided that I would not get another job , since our plan was that I would be a stay at home mom . I ended up having one entire year of not having to work outside of the home , before I became a mom , which was really quite a treat for me in retrospect . I tried hard to enjoy it and remember what a blessing it was , rather than to wish it away , wanting our children to arrive at any ( and every ) moment . Some days that was a challenge but most of the time I really appreciated the no - stress break and enjoyed the huge amount of free time I had . I started working when I was in 7th grade and , except for two summers , had pretty much had some type of job since then . So this one year break was a real treat for me . Now that our children are home , my definition of a productive day has once again changed . This was something I had not really thought about . It occurred to me a couple of days ago that my new definition of a productive day is a day in which both children have had three healthy meals and 2 healthy snacks , 1 or 2 good naps and some good play time that included interactive time with parents . Some days I will add a bath to that list and on Sundays I will add church to the list and , of course , wiping runny noses , ensuring nobody gets hurt too badly , providing comfort when needed and loads of hugs and kisses and laughs are all on the list . Some days it will also include a load or two of laundry and , on every day , it will include some cleaning up of dishes . Anything else will just be gravy . That 's it . If the house is not very clean , too bad . The floor in the kitchen really could use a good sweeping every day or at least every other day and it is overdue for a good mopping . The bathrooms are due for a cleaning and the furniture could use a good dusting but I 'm not sure when that will happen . I 'm hoping we can at least get most of it done before my husband returns to work in one week because after he does it will probably take a miracle for those things to be done again any time soon . You are still missing one crucial bit of information , in order to put this all in perspective . I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist . So this is a huge thing for me , that my house may not look spotless all of the time . There have been many times in the past that I went out of my way to make our home look " lived in " because I didn 't want it to look like a picture in a magazine . . . . too neat and perfect . That 's how bad I have been at times in the past . I was kind of prepared for this part of parenting though , since I have seen it with other family members and friends who have children . So it is not too big of a surprise . But it can still be a mental challenge . I will certainly , by no means , try to be a " super mom " and have it all done at all times . I would not get to spend enough time enjoying my children if I did that . The new definition of a productive day did take me by surprise though . It is really hard to imagine how complicated things become , when you add two toddlers at once to a family . My husband and I were just discussing how we are going to do our grocery shopping , once he returns to work . I know I am going to have to learn how to take our two sons out shopping by myself sometime but the thought of it right now kind of overwhelms me . I don 't feel like I know them well enough yet . . . what sets off a temper tantrum and how best to handle it , for example . My husband will go back to work in one week . In one way , I am kind of looking forward to it , because I am a person who likes a routine and I am getting to the point where I am almost ready to be back in a daily routine again . But there is another part of me that is anxious and a bit fearful of doing it all alone . The boys are going to have to learn to be more patient and I will try my best to become more efficient and to also be more patient . I am not feeling great right now . I 'm not sure if it is sinus issues , because it is so very dry here right now , or if I am coming down with the cold that Benjamin has had the past couple of days ( we think he got it from Nicholas ) . Not sure yet but I do know that it is much harder for me to be patient , smiley and kind when I am not feeling well or have not had enough sleep . I seem to be constantly tired and I am wondering if this was first due to jet lag and now due to these sinus or cold issues or if this is just going to be how it is from now on . I hope not . Our boys really sleep pretty well , so I am hoping that this is just from this sinus or cold issue and it will go away when I start feeling better , hopefully before my husband goes back to work . I need to pray more and to have some daily quiet time , reading the Bible . It definitely helps me to be more patient and have a more positive outlook on life in general . I 'm thinking that the first nap time of the day will be a good time for this in my new routine . As for the boys , I still think they are adjusting pretty well , so far . We decided to keep feeding Benjamin for a while and see how it goes . He was getting too upset when we were trying to get him to help feed himself so we have decided we should wait a bit longer , until he is ready . I 'm sure he will get there eventually . Every once in a while , he does something to show that he is considering it . He helps to bring his sippy cup to his mouth or picks up a piece of cheese and starts to put it is his mouth . So we will keep feeding him until he is ready to feed himself . When my husband goes back to work , both boys will have to have more patience with me , when I am preparing snacks and meals . That may actually have an impact on B wanting to feed himself too . Now , the ironic moment of the day . I started writing this post yesterday and only finished the first paragraph before I was pulled away and never got back to it . So I finished it today . Another productive day : ) . Things here are going very well , although I seem to always be tired these days ( surprise surprise , right ? ) The issue is that it seems I have still not adjusted completely back to sleeping at the right times . I am so exhausted and sleepy after we get the boys down at night that I immediately go straight to bed and then I am asleep by 9 : 00pm or maybe even 8 : 30pm , if the boys went down early , such as yesterday . I usually end up hearing one of them around 3 : 00 or 4 : 00 in the morning and I may or may not go back to sleep . Regardless , I seem to be waking up between 4 : 00 and 4 : 30 most mornings . I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and make myself stay awake until 10 : 00pm , or maybe try taking a nap during the day once and see if that might get me back on schedule ( the nap idea is certainly more attractive ) . I normally never take naps , unless I am sick , because I find I don 't sleep as well at night if I do . The boys really are adjusting pretty well . I know it is still too early to tell but , so far , they seem to have very few PI issues . Nicholas has had a few temper tantrums , although not too many and mostly when he has not had enough sleep . The last two days , we have been out and about some and they have not been on a regular sleep schedule . ( more on that later ) For the most part though , Nick seems to be coming along pretty well . He does get a bit impatient for food still , but that 's no surprise . I try to make sure I am preparing food before they will reach that point and I think we have done pretty well at doing that most of the time . Benjamin is a little further behind developmentally . He is 16 months old and will not pick up small pieces of food and put them in his mouth . If we take his hand and help him do it , he cries . We are not quite sure what the right thing is to do with this . At the baby home , he was still in a room with younger children , so the caregivers did everything for him . He is really coming along nicely with his walking and is now at a point where he can take 10 or 12 steps while only holding on with one hand . We have this little ride - one , push - while - learning - to - walk toy and he loves to walk behind it and push it and can do so quite well now . When we first met Benjamin he did not really even want to stand , much less walk . Now he really enjoys it and we see him walking more and more on his own , between pieces of furniture , cruising along furniture , etc . The eating thing is hard right now though . It makes food prep more complicated , with two boys to feed I can put some cut up fruit or something in front of Nick and he can happily munch while I prepare other food . But we have to feed Ben everything and if we leave him for even a few seconds to grab a towel or get something out of the microwave , he will get upset and start crying . My husband and I have been working together so far , which has made everything much easier but he will go back to work next week . Both boys will probably have to be a bit more patient when that happens . Benjamin also had two bad habits that we seem to making very good process on breaking . If he got impatient or upset with us , for whatever reason , while we were holding him , he would sometimes take his hand and kind of slap / scratch our faces . Also , while sitting in the high chair , if we placed anything on his tray , he would immediately shove it off onto the floor ( it 's very hard to encourage him to feed himself if he has nothing on his tray ) . We started working on these two behaviors after arriving home and he is responding nicely after just a few days . Now he will sometimes revert to slapping / scratching his own face , when he is upset or angry about something . At first I thought maybe we should try to stop that too but , for now , we are just ignoring it , which seems to lessen it . We 'll see how this goes and readdress it later if necessary . Both boys are sleeping very well . Neither of them rock or bang their heads . Nicholas likes to suck his thumb , while holding something soft in the other hand as he falls asleep . Benjamin sometimes does this funny sucking thing , as if he is nursing , when he is trying to fall asleep . Nick can sleep anywhere and he falls asleep very quickly if he is tired . No problem with the car seat at all . Ben has a much harder time because he sleeps on his stomach . So he was not very happy with the car seat ride yesterday , although he did fall asleep eventually . He is the kind of kid who falls asleep 10 or 15 minutes before you get where you are going , after driving an hour or an hour and a half . Both boys love to cuddle and hug and frequently want to be held or picked up for a little while , before running off to play again . There is also some jealousy between them sometimes . If one is headed for mom or dad , sometimes the other one will quickly head there too . We went to my grandmother 's house yesterday , so she could meet the boys . My father and his wife , my aunt and uncle and brother and niece all came over too . Everyone enjoyed getting to meet the boys . Both boys were reluctant to be held by others , at least right away anyway . After spending more time with people and getting to know them a bit better , they were a bit more willing but they still wanted to go back to mom or dad before too long . I think they responded much like any bio child at that age would have , when meeting people they didn 't really know but then saw that mom and dad thought these people were pretty alright . It was encouraging for both my husband and I . So , right now , we are still just trying to master the basics of feeding , changing , clothing , sleeping , etc . I get frustrated sometimes because I want to be more efficient at these things but we are still so new at it , I think it will take a little longer before I see that . . . and then , I will have an entirely new adjustment when my husband goes back to work next week . I struggle with meal planning , which is no surprise because I struggled with this for just my husband and I , every since we have been married . I found some good snack and meal ideas on the web , which helped but I need to find some more soon . This first one is of us in front of the GUM shopping mall . I was so happy to see that they still had the Christmas ( New Years ) lights up . I had hoped that they would because I had seen pictures and wanted to see it in person . It really was beautiful . The obligatory picture in front of St . Basil 's . Every time I see this building I am in awe of the beauty of it . It really is spectacular to see in person . They are both settling in nicely . They both make lots of good eye contact , love to come to both mommy and daddy for hugs and kisses and then get down and play again . . . or get down , then get up , then get down , then get up . . . etc . . . . you get the idea . I love to get them out of bed after nap or first thing in the morning , bring them downstairs , sit in the rocking chair and just cuddle with them and let them wake up slowly . I think Benjamin especially likes this , as he seems to be more of a slow waker - upper , like his momma . Nicholas likes it but only for a minute or two ; then he sits up , looks around and starts jabbering . We can tell they are both so much more relaxed than they were in our hotel room in Volgograd . They definitely still have some food issues ; this takes some time before it goes away . They both have some catching up to do , especially Nicholas , who is in the lower - than - 3rd percentile in height and weight . They become more aware of each other each day and they babble to each other , touch hands sometimes and follow each other around . Yesterday , Nick even gave Ben a cheerio ; he even put it in Ben 's mouth for him . It was really cute . Of course , much of the time , we have to protect them from each other , as they push each other away or try to hit the other one 's head , etc . Ben is such a cuddle - bug ; he really is a teddy bear , loves to be hugged and cuddled and loves to play patty - cake and make lots of noises with his tongue / mouth . As soon as I put him on my lap , he immediately smiles and starts clapping his hands , wanting me to play patty - cake with him . Yesterday , they both learned how to drink from their sippy cups . Nick can hold it himself and drink from it but sometimes he wants us to hold it for him . When it is less than half - way full , he has a harder time doing it himself . He is a very quick learner though . They are both really drinking and eating very well . We had been trying to find some formula that they could both tolerate but have given up after trying both regular and soy types . We might try regular whole milk tomorrow . They really need the extra calories . Our schedule yesterday went very well , although Ben and I are both still struggling with jet lag a bit . My husband and Nick seem to have beaten it though . Today I woke up feeling like I might be catching a cold . I 'm not sure yet though ; could just be allergies or something . I have not left the house since we got back from Russia on Tuesday evening . But I am just fine with that . I finished all of our unpacking and laundry yesterday and am happy to have it out of the way . Today , I am taking a break for myself ( during naps ) and just enjoying catching up on blog stuff . Tomorrow , I must start thank you cards . My husband is truly a gift from God . He is such a loving , kind and patient man and he loves being a dad . Yesterday he brought me two dozen roses . He spends lots of time with the boys and is helping me a lot while he is still home . He really loves to spend time with them and feed them , change them and help care for them . But it is truly a gift , that I have some time to adjust to taking care of them full - time , daily , by myself . He will return to work in about two weeks . Hopefully , by then , we will have the schedule and routine down and I will manage it just fine . It 's really not bad when I am organized and well rested . Being organized and well - rested are the challenging parts . Yesterday evening , after we had finished dinner , all four of us were sitting in the floor playing with toys . The boys loved it and it was such good family time . I thought to myself , I can see this evolving over the years and turning into playing board games and stuff like that in the evenings after dinner and before bed . The only time we have had the TV on since we have had the boys is during their nap times or after they have gone to bed for the night . I try to catch up on the news once or twice a day , since I am a news junkie . Other than that , we really have not watch any TV at all . We decided before we adopted that we did not want the boys watching TV or videos until they are at least three years old . They have a lot of catching up to do and the more time they can spend in interactive play , the better for their development . The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children should watch no TV ( or videos / dvd 's ) until they are at least two years old . So I think it makes sense that ours should be at least three , since they basically missed out on a lot developmentally the first year of their lives . I am still feeling that it is so very good to be home . As I walked through the kitchen a few minutes ago and saw the high chairs sitting there , with bibs laying across the tables , I thought " it is so nice that they are now being used " . It just feels so good to have them here . I must go start preparing lunch for my sons ( I just love the sound of that ) . They will wake up from naps soon and will be very hungry and ready to eat . More pictures to come . We made it home last night ( Tuesday night ) , safe and sound , thankfully . Our remaining time in Russia went forward without a hitch . Our flight from Volgograd to Moscow went well ; both boys were great on the plane . They had fun crawling after each other down the small hallway in our Moscow hotel room . It was really cute . They have been excellent sleepers and they were good little campers when we were running our many errands in Moscow . Their physicals went very well ; no problems . We got in and out of the embassy pretty quickly and had a chance to chit chat with five other couples from the U . S . who were also there for adoptions , which was fun . After the embassy , we spent the rest of the afternoon revisiting Red Square ( Revolution Square ) with our sons and taking lots of pictures in front of St . Basil 's and the Kremlin . They had an ice skating rink set up in Red Square , with a large , decorated New Years tree ( Christmas tree in U . S . language ) next to it , and the GUM shopping center ( high dollar shopping mall in a beautiful , very old building ) was outlined in white lights . It was very pretty and a wonderful way to spend our last afternoon in Russia . We had a bite to eat at GUM . The boys were great tourists , even though it had gotten a bit chilly by then . They stayed toasty warm in their snowsuits . Our trip home was pretty much perfect . We could not have asked for anything better . Our flights were all on time or early . We were able to get the seats we wanted , next to the bulkhead , and they had the bassinet hanging from the bulkhead wall for us . Between the bassinet and the extra seat we had purchased , we had a good amount of room . The boys really did great . Nicholas had an easier time catching cat naps and even had one really good nap on the long flight . Benjamin had a harder time falling asleep and , except for maybe a one hour nap , did not get any sleep at all until our flight from Atlanta to Oklahoma . He still did very well though . We made it through immigration in record time and made our flight from Atlanta to Oklahoma with no problem . We got the seats we wanted on that flight also and , since it was half empty , got an extra seat to spread out in . We only had to wait ten minutes to board and our flight was first in line to depart out of Atlanta , which our flight attendant said was a first for her . The boys slept the entire flight , my husband and I slept a little also and we made it home right on time . My brother , sister , two nieces and a nephew were all at the airport to welcome us home and help us with our luggage . We were really happy to get home . Benjamin never woke up after finally falling asleep on the flight to Oklahoma . Nicholas woke up and played a little and pet the cats ( pulled Dancer 's tail ) . We slept fairly well last night , or at least the guys slept well . I kept waking up because I heard Nicholas cry out a few times and I was worried about him waking up in another new place and being scared . He stayed asleep though ; must have just been dreaming . Today has gone well but I have not gotten much done . Just tending to the boys and a little cleaning here and there . I am hoping we can all get caught up on our sleep and get on a good schedule quickly ( we 're all doing better with this today ) . The boys are a bit off on their nap schedules today so we 'll see ( much better today ) . We have been so incredibly blessed . I keep thinking I need to sit down and count the number of prayers we had answered on this trip but I have not done it yet . Here are a few : 6 . Court went GREAT ! ! I didn 't have to speak first ; my husband answered the hardest questions . We got the 10 day waiting period waived , which was a miracle . 11 . Had time for an afternoon of sightseeing and picture taking with the boys at Red Square . ( It was a perfect afternoon ; this was such a blessing to my husband and I both . ) 12 . Trip home was excellent . Flight from Moscow to Atlanta went by so quickly ; more so than any of the other flights we had taken between those two cities . 13 . Boys did great on the long flight . We got the bulk head seats and bassinet that we had hoped for . Flight arrived in Atlanta on time . 16 . Flight from Atlanta to Oklahoma went great . We got the bulk head seats again and had extra room to spread out on this flight . Boys slept the entire time . Flight was on time . Thank you all so very much for your prayer support during this challenging adventure of ours . This trip could not have gone better ! ! God is awesome and has just blessed us incredibly ! ! We love them so much already ! Next update to include pictures : ) . I almost forgot the pics ! Here are three ; not the best , but we didn 't have time to take very many today . These are in reverse order ; since everything is in French , I am having a hard time working with blogger . Better than nothing though , yes ? Unfortunately after the husband / dad took this picture , he had to rush to get Benjamin while I finished dressing Nicholas so we didn 't get to take any other pictures of leaving the baby home with the boys . The CWA workers were in a hurry that day . Posted by Today was a great day . First of all , the day started off with sunny skies ; no cloud in sight . This is the first time we have seen this since we have been here . The local people kept saying it felt like a spring day and I 'm sure it really did for here . The clouds did roll in later in the afternoon but that did not ruin the beauty of this very special day . The best thing that happened today , of course , was that we went to the baby home and got our children . They were both so happy to see us . We changed their clothes ( for the first time ever ! ) and put on their little snowsuits ; they looked so cute and were just so happy that we were there . We stopped along the way to the baby home to buy cakes , champagne and chocolates and we also brought all of the gifts that we brought for the caretakers and doctors / directors . Everyone was very happy for our family . It was very sweet . We took the boys to have their passport pictures taken and then had to make a couple of stops to sign paperwork . It was all very rushed because our interpreter , facilitator and driver had to take another couple to do something . We thought they would take us to the grocery store to buy diapers and baby food , because that 's what they did with our friend when we were here last , but they did not have time . So , as soon as we returned , my husband had to run over to the grocery store and buy diapers and he also got some water so we could mix their formula . When we came back , we mixed their formula and they were very eager to drink from their bottles . Benjamin drank in such a hurry and cried if we took it out of his mouth for anything and he also cried when it 's all gone . Nicholas is not quite as anxious about it but he had been eating cheerios and goldfish snacks while we were waiting for my husband to return . Benjamin does not seem to care for the texture of the snacks yet , although he seems to like the flavor somewhat because he eats them if I squish them before I put them in his mouth . He still makes a funny face though . We put them both down for their naps , probably about thirty minutes later than they normally go down . Benjamin cried for a few seconds before crashing and Nicholas babbled a bit before he crashed . They only slept about an hour though and then they were back up and wanting another bottle and more food . After nap , they had some banana , which they both really liked , and some pizza , which they both also really liked . They did a lot of playing in between eating and sleeping and they both want lots of lap time from both mommy and daddy . It is very sweet ; they both love to be held and cuddled and they melt right into us when we are holding them . This evening , we gave them both a bath . Mommy got in the tub first , with a few toys to make it less scary . My husband brought Benjamin in to me and I bathed him while he played . He was very happy throughout his bath and really enjoyed it . When I finished , my husband brought in Nicholas and he took Benjamin . I bathed Nick and he also enjoyed playing in the water , while my husband dried , diapered , lotioned and clothed Ben . Then he came and got Nick and did the same with him , while I finished my bath . Daddy did a great job too ! After baths , they ate some pureed meat that comes in a can . ( It smells just like canned cat food ; yuck ! ) I thought they might need a bit more protein in their bellies , to stay asleep all night . I 'm hoping they don 't wake up hungry during the night . After their chicken - in - a - can , we sat and held them for a while and played for a few minutes and then it was time for night night . Bejamin pretty much went down without crying at all . Nicholas started crying as soon as my husband started to put him in his crib . I picked him back up for just a minute and soothed him a bit . Then I got them both the really soft baby blankets I had brought for them . I took the very corner of it and put it in Nick 's hand and he immediately put his thumb in his mouth and was fine when I laid him back down . He went right to sleep with no more crying at all . My husband and I cleaned up our small sitting room a bit and then I started typing this update . He laid down on the floor with the news on and promptly fell asleep . He is very tired but I must admit , I think I had the easy part with the baths . At one point in the evening , My husband went out for a couple of pizzas for us . I didn 't eat a whole lot of them but I 'm not feeling hungry so I guess I 'm doing OK . I barely had any breakfast because our interpreter showed up earlier than we had planned to go run some errands for the adoption . For lunch , I ate a bag of chips with a Pepsi ( yes , that made my day : ) - we actually have a larger fridge this time and it even has a small freezer that has one ice tray in it , so I was able to make some ice from our bottled water ( yeah ! ) and I have had two Pepsi 's since I have been here . ) My husband ate the majority of the pizza . He was very hungry . We were able to change our flight home so we will definitely be flying in on Tuesday evening . This may be our last update , since we will now be quite busy and , when we are not busy , we will probably be quite tired , but happily so : ) . It is definitely a juggling act to take care of two babies in a hotel room in a foreign country . We need to get to bed at a decent time , since our boys may be up at 6 : 00 or 6 : 30 in the morning , so I must sign off . Once again , thank you all for your many , many prayers . We had a near - perfect day ; everything really has gone very well and the boys seem really happy with us . Please pray they will be good night - sleepers ! Also , thank you for your many comments , congrats and encouraging words . We read each one and they mean so much . We don 't have much time to reply , since computer time here is quite expensive . Someone did ask if we got to see the boys yesterday after court . We didn 't get to because it was too late by the time we finished . I was worried about what they would think but , after seeing them today , it seems we are fine now : ) . We had our court appointment today and it was very successful . We are now the proud parents of two wonderful little boys . Our court session went very smoothly , as has our entire adoption process , for the most part . Can you believe it ? ? ? This is so unusual for this region . I don 't think I have ever heard of another case where the 10 day waiting period was waived in the Volgograd region . It really is a miracle from God . We had so many people praying for us ; I could not even count them all . We appreciate your prayers so much . Thank you all ! ! We will pick up our sons tomorrow , as soon as the judge has finalized the papers . We still have to have their passport pictures taken , which we will do tomorrow . We have paperwork to finalize here in the region Thursday and Friday . They said we could fly to Moscow on Saturday or Sunday . We have chosen to stay here and fly out on Sunday because it is cheaper and we also know our way around here better . On Monday in Moscow we will take the children to the doctor for their physical and then to the embassy to get their American visas . We can fly home on Tuesday , although we are still working on rearranging our flights , so we are not sure about this yet . As for the details , in court we had a woman judge and she was very nice . We had spent yesterday evening and last night preparing our speeches to give in court today and I was pretty nervous about this . It turned out that we did not have to give our speeches at all . ( Yeah ! ) The judge called on my husband first ( another answered prayer ) and she and the prosecutor asked him all of the more difficult questions . She called on me second and I had the easy questions , although more emotional ones . They asked me how I felt about " the babies " , what my emotions are about them . As soon as I started talking , I teared up ; I just couldn 't help it . It was a very emotional topic for me , because both of the boys have been sick and it has been so hard to leave them each day , knowing they are not getting the love and attention that everyone needs , especially when they are sick and most especially babies . But I did answer the questions through my tears and the judge felt so bad for me that she told the prosecutor to quit asking me questions and let me sit down . So we did not end up having to talk nearly as much as we had planned . Our interpreter was most impressed with our speeches though . Our facilitator had prepared us for court yesterday evening so we knew what information needed to be included in our speech and what type of questions might be asked , which was very helpful . Our interpreter came to our room an hour before court and she practiced with us saying our speeches and she interpreting them . It was also very helpful . They did an excellent job of preparing us for court . Today we became parents . Tomorrow our lives change forever , as we will finally have our sons in our care . Please continue to pray for our health ( ours and the boys ) and for our trip home . Another good day with the boys , although our visit was the shortest yet . Our interpreter could not meet us until 1 : 00pm . Since we were later than usual , we decided to pick up Nicholas first and take him to the music room , play with him for a little while and then take turns going to visit Benjamin . That way , both boys would get the maximum amount of time with us . We both played with Nicholas for a few minutes and then my husband went to see Benjamin . When he got there , Ben was still sleeping so they woke him . They had told Anya ( our interpreter ) that he was already awake but they were confused and told her about another child . It worked out well though because my husband was allowed to feed him . They use a tablespoon to feed the children and my husband said the spoon was so big that he couldn 't fit it into Ben 's mouth . He also gave him a cup of something to drink . Afterwards he held him in his lap and played with him for a few minutes and then it was time for us to switch places . I am happy to report that Nicholas was feeling much better today and he seemed much more like the little boy we got to know on visit one . We were so happy to see this . Thanks so much for all of your prayers . Nicholas and I had a fun time together , while my husband was visiting Benjamin . I was sitting on the floor , with my legs crossed Indian - style in front of me . Nicholas was sitting on my legs / lap . He would sit with me for a little bit and then get up and play with some toys I had put on a child 's chair , just beside us . Then he would quickly look back at me and sit back down in my lap real quick , with a big smile . He did this over and over for a while and it became a little game for us . I had to watch him because sometimes he was not close enough to land in my lap but he would fall back , expecting me to catch him . It was very cute and we had fun at this little game of his . After this , we went across the room to where they have these long benches . I put some toys on them for him to play with . He likes to bang toys on the bench ; he enjoyed this during our first visit but had not felt well enough to be interested in it again until today . Again , he would play for a minute or two and then come quickly to me and hold up his hands for me to pick him up . It was again our little game and I would pick him up quickly , with a " weee " , and hold him close . Several times he just put his little head against my chest and wanted a cuddle . So sweet ! When my husband returned , I left to go visit Benjamin and Nick had a bit of a cry when I left him . Not long after I left though , he and my husband had a fun time playing together . My husband said Nicholas walked all over the room many times and was playing everywhere ; definitely much more like the little guy we remembered . I had a nice visit with little Benjamin . He was in his crib when I arrived and he was happy to see me . I put him on my lap and took out a few toys . Pretty much the only thing he wanted to do with the toys was throw them on the floor . He might look at them for a couple of minutes but I spent most of the time trying to catch toys before he threw them down on the floor . I held his hands so he could walk around the room for a little bit but he did not enjoy this for very long . He did enjoy reaching up to swat at a mobile on another crib in the room and watching it spin around . After that we sat back down in the chair and he threw toys some more . I tried putting them on the changing table , so he could play with them there . He played with them for a few seconds and then started throwing them again . He did this some on the first trip also but we were usually sitting on the floor in the music room and he could pick them back up and continue playing , or pick up a different toy or crawl a bit or something . When he drops the toys on the floor , I tried leaving them for a bit , thinking he might think twice about dropping them again . But then he wanted to get down and started to cry so I picked them back up . Obviously this is not an ideal visiting scenario . At some point , I put him back in his crib with all of the toys and I sat in the chair right next to him and leaned in and played with him . He enjoyed that for a while and we were still doing it when I had to leave . I always make sure I am touching the boys a lot , holding them , stroking their little head , etc . also . I think that is so important , as I know that do not get that kind of interaction normally . At one point during our visit , I held Ben while I was standing and he put his head against my chest and I just kind of rock us back and forth . They both enjoy that a lot and Ben and I did that for a while . There was another cute moment when I read a little book to him . It is a tiny book , with numbers 1 through 5 on the left side of the pages and pictures of barnyard animalsI went back to the music room where my husband and Nick were , as we were expecting the social worker to arrive and watch us interact with Nick and ask us some questions . ( Apparently she only had to observe us with one of the children . ) She was not there when I arrived so I watched Nick and my husband for a few moments and just got caught up on how things had gone with them while I was gone . They had clearly had fun . But soon after I arrived , I was standing near Nick , watching him play , and I put out my hands to see if he wanted to come to me . He came immediately , was so happy , and put his head on my chest again and just rested against me for a while . I think he had been pretty busy while I was gone , he is still getting over his cold ( still has a really bad cough ) , and was probably getting tired . I got to cuddle him for a while and then the social worker came . We went over to her and she asked us some questions … has anything changed ( jobs , income , family members , etc . ) since we did our paperwork or since our last visit , have the children changed since our last visit , how did we know that the boys recognized us when they saw us again , do we still want to adopt them , do we have doubts , etc . ) … nothing difficult to answer . N was still cuddled up to me . She wanted us to see if he would go to my husband , which he did readily . While we talked to her , N would get down , walk around or play for a minute or two and then come back over to be picked up and cuddled again . We had a meeting with the doctor after our visit today and they are hoping Benjamin might be ready to rejoin his group in 2 or 3 days but they do not really know for sure . We asked what medicines he was taking and they tried to tell us but I don 't think we know much more than we did before we asked . We also found out their current weight , height , head and chest measurements . We don 't get to spend as much time with Ben while he is in isolation but the good news is that he does give us a lot of eye contact and responds easily to our efforts to get him to smile . He is always happy to see us and once today , when I put him in his crib , he immediately put his arms up for me to pick him up again . This is when we had our nice , long cuddle , which was good . Hopefully we can have some more moments like this tomorrow . We will get to see them a little longer tomorrow ( hopefully from 12 : 00 to 3 : 30 ) . When we are finished , we will come back to the hotel and meet our facilitator to start preparing for court , which is on Wednesday at 2 : 00pm . That is 5 : 00am on Wednesday morning Oklahoma time . I am bummed that this probably means we will not get to see the boys on Wednesday . I think they both look forward to our time with them and I worry about what they will think when we don 't show up . Please continue to pray for both of the boys , that they will not be emotionally damaged from any of this , that they will both attach easily and quickly and that they will adjust well when we finally get to have them with us ( and that we will adjust well also ! ) . Please also continue to pray for a successful court hearing and that a miracle will happen and the 10 days of waiting will be waived , if it is God 's will . If it is not God 's will then I will take that to mean that the boys really needed the extra days for a smooth transition and we will get through it one day at a time . God knows best . Thank you all so much for keeping us in your prayers . It means so much to us to know that so many people are praying for us . We know there is so much power in prayer to our awesome God and we so appreciate your love and support . Well , another day in baby - home world . Actually , we are not getting to spend nearly as much daily visiting time with the boys as we did on our first visit . Maybe we are with Nicholas but definitely not with Benjamin , since he is still in " isolation " . They were both very happy and excited to see us today . We saw Benjamin first , since Nick 's group was just getting ready to get up from nap time . Ben was bright - eyed and bushy tailed . The bummer about his situation is that we are only allowed to visit with him in his little isolation room . It is a small room with three small cribs lining two walls , a window on the outside wall and a door and windows on the inside wall , looking into the larger sitting room . They have it kind of set up like a hospital ward , with windows and doors to the isolation rooms all the way down the wall , so they can always see all of each isolation room from the sitting room area . Also , there are windows between the rooms , so they can see into the other rooms when they are in one of the rooms . Anyway , there were two straight - backed chairs , like old - timey kitchen chairs , in Ben 's isolation room and that 's where we sat to play with him . There was no place to get down and play on the floor . But we had fun with him anyway . We brought our CD player and a tiny little speaker set and we played a children 's CD with popular kid 's songs . He really enjoyed it and it was cute watching him bounce to the music . It seems that both of our boys have learned how to clap their hands since we were here last and he was doing that a lot too . When we were in his room , I saw some bottles prepared near his crib so I asked our interpreter if they were giving him bottles while he was sick . They said they were giving him bottles , so that is good to know because we want to get him back on a bottle , once he is in our custody . Our IA doc said , if they will take formula , it will provide all of the nutrition they need and then , any food on top of that is just gravy . This is great for our kids , since they are behind , and the IA doc highly recommends we get them on formula ASAP if they will take it . We were able to visit with Ben for a little over an hour and then we had to leave so it was time to go get Nick . Nicholas was sitting at this little kid 's table and when we walked in , he walked straight into my arms . It was very sweet and he was very happy and excited to see us . His walking is still a little bit tipsy but , if there are no obstacles , he does very well . He was all smiles and was very excited when they put on his little coat and hat . When we first picked Nicholas up , we thought he might be feeling better because he seemed in very good spirits . Once we got to the music room , it was kind of touch and go . It seemed like the smallest thing would make him cry and it was very obvious that he did not feel well again today . He was not active at all and did not even want to sit on the rug next to us to play . He wanted to be held the whole time , which I am not complaining about by any means . He was a real little cuddler today , which I loved , but I hate to see him feeling so poorly . The last time we were here , he was the complete opposite ; he was very active , laughing and smiling all the time , crawling and cruising all over and he loved to walk all over the room , holding our hand . He is definitely not himself right now but hopefully he will get over this cold before we leave with him . Today , my husband and I took turns holding him . He wanted to hold his favorite toys , most especially the little plastic spoons , which he loves dearly and gets upset if he drops them and they are not returned to him very quickly . Other than that , he just really wanted to be held close . At one point , he fell asleep in my husband 's lap , with me singing to him with the kid 's CD . It was really sweet and he slept for a several minutes . When he woke up , it was like a new day . He seemed happier and seemed to be feeling just a tad bit better . He played with us more but still while sitting on one of our laps . He enjoyed the music and looking at the small books we brought . Towards the end of our visit , I was holding him , while my husband was packing up all of the toys so we could take him back to his room . He had been sitting in my lap but then he decided to stand up next to a small child 's chair and bang on it with a toy . As soon as he realized he was no longer touching me , he turned around to see if I was still there and then quickly sat back down in my lap . A couple of seconds later , he stood up again next to the little chair , I moved my leg to get more comfortable and he immediately sat back down in my lap again . I do believe our little guy is really starting to attach to mommy a bit . Oh yeah , and he did get a kick out of repeating " da da da da " quite a few times today and my husband got a big kick out of it too . We saw a glimpse of Nick 's old self today , towards the end of our visit . Hopefully he will be feeling better tomorrow . Hopefully Ben will be over his illness soon also and they can both leave the baby home feeling good . It sure gets dark here early these days . It is already dusk at 4 : 30pm and it does not get light until late too . Today it was pretty warm , for this time of year , and it was misting a bit as we walked to the baby home . The humidity is preferable to the extreme dryness in Moscow , although it does terrible things to my hair . I don 't even bother to fix my hair because it just kinks up as soon as we walk out the door in the morning . I hope it is less humid when we go to court . I should have brought more to read and I wish I had bought a couple of CD 's to watch . The time goes by slowly when we are not with the boys . But tomorrow is Monday … then Tuesday and then court on Wednesday afternoon . We will get through the wait one day at a time . We arrived safely in Volgograd and we got to see our boys today . Both of them are sick . Nicholas has a very bad cold and is clearly not himself . We saw him eight days in a row the last time we were here and we never saw him cry once . He was always happy , loved to play with us , smiled a lot and was very active . Today , he started to cry several times , although he responded well to our attempts to comfort him . He was not very active and was really not his normal smiley self at all . When we took him back to his group room and handed him over to his caregiver , he started crying again . He stopped when they told him we would be back tomorrow . I 'm sure he was tired because it was time for his nap but I also think he was clearly not feeling very well . Hopefully he will get over his cold quickly . Little Benjamin is in " isolation " because he has been ill also and he has a fever . We each spent about 10 minutes with him , while the other stayed and played with Nicholas in the music room . Benjamin seemed really the same as he did last time . If he had not been warm to the touch , I would not have known anything was wrong with him . He was happy and smiley and playful . Both boys seemed to remember us pretty quickly . Nicholas was on the other side of the room when we arrived and we were talking to him from the door . After just a few seconds , he started smiling real big and he got so excited . When they were changing his clothes , he kept waving at us and clapping his hands . It was really cute and it warmed our hearts that he remembered us . I think Benjamin remembered us even more quickly because we got to hold him right away . The first day we met him , on the first trip , he was real quiet , no smiles for us and he held his arms and hands very close to his chest , like he was a bit scared . We saw none of that today ; it was as if no days had gone by since our last visit , which is really wonderful and just what I prayed for . We go to court on Wednesday afternoon at 2 : 00pm . We will see the boys each day and can hope that the 10 days will be waived , although it is seldom done in this region . Either way , we get to see them every day we are here , which is wonderful . It is so good to see them again . We just can 't wait to take them with us . We arrived safely in Moscow yesterday . Today we had our 8 - doctor exam . Both were uneventful and we are glad they are finished . Tomorrow morning we leave for Volgograd . We are hoping to see our boys in the afternoon . So far , so good . The next big event is court on Wednesday , 1 / 17 . We will be relieved when that is over . Please continue to pray for us . I 'm sorry I have not been able to update the blog more often over the past few days . Things have been pretty crazy . Two weeks ago , I thought we had plenty of time , no problem , we will be ready early . NOT . There were just so many things still left to do . It has taken up all of my time and I just finished packing . Packing took HOURS ; we have so much stuff to take . It was a miracle that it all fit into the bags and it required a lot of creativity . We split up our stuff and put some in each bag , in case a bag is lost for a period of time . Hopefully that won 't happen . It didn 't happen last time . With only one change in Atlanta , I think our chances are pretty good that our bags will all arrive with us . Please pray for that for us . Getting out money turned out to be an issue yesterday . The bank felt very badly about it and bent over backwards trying to find the newest bills they could find . They even went to other branches and gathered as many of the newest bills they could find . Unfortunately , at the last minute , their central bank in OKC found out from the Fed that they could no longer get new money for adoptions . Our local bank had called their OKC central bank three times over the past few weeks and verified they could get the money . Oh well ; I think we will be OK . God is in control so everything will work out for the best . My brother arrived today to stay at our house and take care of our two cats while we are gone . That is such a relief . He lived with me for one year when I lived in Texas , before I was married , so the two cats know him well and they really like him . The cats always know something is up , when they see us packing our bags . They kind of mope around , wondering what 's going on . I kind of feel sorry for them because life as they know it will never be the same again . They are not very fond of loud noises : ) and they are used to getting a lot of attention from us . Hopefully they will get used to it quickly and enjoy playing with the children . My husband has been in the garage for hours , trying to put in the car seats . He is a very bright man , can repair / build just about anything needed around the house , is also a doctor , and he is currently very frustrated at the instructions that came with the car seats . We had planned to do this last night but got busy with other things . He is still out there working on it now . While he was in the garage , putting the car seats in the car , we realized that we are going to have to have a second car to help get us home from the airport , when we return with the children . I called my sister tonight to see if she could be here that night and follow my brother when he comes to the airport to pick us up . We get in late , so they will both spend the night with us . She was excited because she does not have to work that night so she can come and she will get to meet our children . I must get moving ; still have some things to do before I can call it a night and we leave very early tomorrow morning . Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes . I 'm sorry I have not been very good about responding to everyone ; I really have just been swamped , getting everything ready to go . My next post will be from Russia ! The other day , I was at the Bank of America and the manager who is ordering our new money was telling me that she has another client also adopting from our adoption country , who is also ordering new money . I told her to please give her my name and number . This evening , she called . She lives within a couple of miles of me . She and her husband are leaving tomorrow morning to meet their two children - to - be . They are adopting from the same region and possibly the same baby home from where we are adopting . They are adopting two biological siblings , a girl and a boy , between the ages of 3 and 6 . It appears that we will be in the capital city at the same time . They will be on their way back through and we will be stopping in on our way over . We may even be staying at the same hotel , although they are not for sure yet . Isn 't that amazing ? ? ! ! In other news , I have gotten an amazing amount of things done since I last posted . We have all of the medical tests and chest XRays done , we have received our visas , I painted / stained the new wood my husband used to build the ladder and platform for the slide that goes with the swing set that we have been working on , I have washed all of the clothing for the boys and I also washed all of the bedding in their room , so it would smell fresh . I washed and ironed all of my husband 's Docker 's , which was a huge feat . I hung those really cute car pictures in the baby room . I finished all of our shopping for everything we needed for the boys , in addition to all of the gifts we had to buy for the caretakers and directors at the baby home . I still need to buy thank you cards and additional gift bags and tissue paper though . We received the extra snow suit and car seat today . I put the two snow suits into one of those space - saver bags ; those things are amazing ! I highly recommend them , although I would not put my clothes in them because I don 't think there is any way they would survive without looking as if they had been waded up and thrown in the dirty clothes basket for a month . I put two good size , fluffy baby blankets in another one . I 'm telling you , those things are really amazing . Both packages are now almost completely flat and will not take up nearly as much room in our luggage . I spent today determining how many and which baby clothes to bring , opening all of the little packages of everything we bought and preparing everything to be packed . Once I had everything organized and put in a bag , I started cleaning the house . I just finished for today and I am exhausted . I wiped down all of the countertops in the kitchen ( this is more work than it sounds ) , washed and put away the dishes in the dish washer , dusted the furniture , cleaned the laundry room and cleaned the downstairs bathrooms . The only left to do for the house to be clean is to vaccum and I will do that first thing tomorrow morning . Oh , and I also clipped the cats ' claws today , since we have visitors coming tomorrow . My friend from Kansas City is coming to visit us and attend the family shower tomorrow afternoon . She is bringing one of her daughters . She adopted both daughters from the same baby home from which we are adopting and she was there to bring home her second daughter when we were there to meet our boys . I met her through our agency ( we are both using CWA ) and my husband and I drove up to KC to meet her and her family before we ever even found out that we would be in our adoption country at the same time . God works in wonderful ways ! So , she and her daughter are coming tomorrow and we will be attending a small family shower in the afternoon . It will be nice to see them again and very nice that they can make it to the shower . My family is so excited for us . I am very thankful that we have so much support and encouragement from our friends and family . My husband 's sister lives in Tucson and she is very encouraging and supportive also . We are very blessed indeed . So , that 's what I have been up to for the past few days . Shopping , running around to the doctor 's clinics , painting / staining wood , hanging pictures , more shopping , laundry , etc . I am feeling better about where we are with our lists vs how many days we have left before we leave . I am going to bed now . I can 't store up sleep but I will get as much as I can while I have the chance . This morning I slept until 8 : 00am ! ! I couldn 't believe it ; that is really unlike me these days . . . but it felt so good . That is how I am feeling these days . . . a bit scattered . This morning I woke up at 3 : 15 am and could not go back to sleep because I kept thinking of all of the things I still need to do . I gave up trying to go back to sleep pretty quickly and got up and started making my list . I have already bought almost everything we need for our trip and for our arrival back home . I still have a few things left on my list to buy , most notably gifts for the caretakers at the baby home . I have so many tasks left to do before we leave , it is a bit overwhelming . I will definitely need God 's help in staying focus and being extra productive . Last night , my husband and I had a long talk with a friend with whom we have so much in common . He and his wife adopted two children , almost exactly the same ages as our children , from the same region , same baby home , same adoption agency ( CWA ) and same in - region facilitator as us . It was good to talk with him and hear how things have been going for them . He provided us with information about getting Early Intervention help to evaluate the children for physical , occupational and speech therapy and he advised us to do it within 3 months or so after getting home . He said they did this and it has really helped their children so much . He also gave us some really good tips for attachment strategies and let us know that our adoption agency provides a phone number for free counseling advice , specific to issues our children might have , for when we return . He told us how this worked out for him and his wife and it really sounded good , although every situation is different of course . He and his wife went out of their way to follow the instructions of our agency , in regards to attachment strategy , and they had very positive results . They were very careful to be the only ones to feed or care for their children and they were also careful to keep the environment around the children low stress and low stimulating , so the children are more focused on the parents and on attaching . It was a very interesting and eye opening conversation , which is saying a lot because I have already read a ton of books on attachment issues and strategies . I didn 't know , for example , that it is best to keep the children away from really busy , over stimulating places like malls and to keep the number of toys to a minimum . They did these things and many more for at least 3 full months and possibly more . He said our agency recommended doing these things for a full 6 months but they could tell their children were pretty well attached after 3 or 4 months so they started easing up and slowly introducing a bit more stimulating environments or time with relaOne thing that every one I have spoken to who has adopted has said , " It is much harder than I / we realized it would be but it is also much more rewarding than I / we ever imagined " . This should help set expectations . There is no doubt in my mind that God put this man in our lives . When we were trying to decide which agency to go with , our agency gave us his name and number to call and he spent a couple of hours with us on the phone , telling us about their experience . They had been home with their children for a few months when we first called him . After talking to him , we knew without a doubt we were with the right agency . He posted tons of useful information on our agency 's web board that I have referred to several times . And last night , he again proved to be a wealth of information . It has been so helpful to have someone , in pretty much our exact same situation , who has gone before us and can tell us what worked for them and what didn 't , things to look out for , what can make the trip home with two little ones a little easier , etc . Of course , we also have a very good friend who has already BTDT two different times to adopt one child each time . She has also been a huge help , providing tons of information , support and encouragement . There is no doubt in my mind that God provided these friends for us , exactly when we needed them , with exactly the kind of information , support and encouragement we specifically needed . He does provide for all of our needs and then some . Sometimes we are so busy , we don 't even notice . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
I am awake early again this morning . For some time now it has been difficult to get a good night sleep . It seems even with a little help with rest tablets my memory keeps me so interested and since some suggested of getting some of them on paper , thought some of you too may be able to enjoy them and pass them on . I may ramble as these memories come as I journey on through the years . I 'll try to remember to tell where we lived when these episodes happened and let you put together as you choose . This I will say , I was pretty much grown before I realized what a privilege it was to have a good memory . I had been so busy living , growing and carrying on a normal young life . One day when Mama and I were mopping our large kitchen floor , the memories of a trip in years gone by came to me and I asked her where we were going when we were by the river in a little house , and trains ran over the river , and you had a baby on your lap . I remember some kids out on the tracks trying to help some other kids find some money they had dropped through cracks over the bridge . The bridge floor was made of heavy planks or boards and had cracks between them . At the other end of the bridge I could see the big train engine all steamed up and it looked like it was coming on . I never realized then it had to get right of way from the other end before crossing . I would run outand look and back to Mama . I was so scared for them . I kind of rea1ized May being there , but Mama with baby on her lap was my protection , I guess . Then I asked her where did Aunt Lizzie and Uncle Jim live when they lived in a house with an upstairs with a screened in porch that we could sleep on ? Ha . I do not ever remember Papa coming for us at that little train stop - Winthrop - I believe is the name of the place . I do not remember getting there or leaving but going up those dark steps and sleeping on the porch . The next morning I awoke , the sun shining , went inside and found the stairway dark . No light at the bottom of the steps only from the side like from a room downstairs . I held tight to sides of wall , went down steps to have Aunt Lizzie look at me in big surprise and asked � where did you come from all by yourself ? � That was my last time there but to me it was a big house with 4 rooms , 2 up and 2 down and screened in porch up and down . Mama looked at me and stopped her mopping and said , � Beulah , you don 't mean to tell me you remember us coming from Oklahoma ? � I told her I don 't know where we were from or where we were going . So found out it all in one trip . We were waiting for Papa to get Uncle Jim 's team and wagon to come for us . It was a short trip away , two miles or less . I found out later and you can figure my age . I am 19 months older than Birdie and that was in the fall and she could not have been over 9 or 10 months at least . Both she and I were born in Oklahoma . So now I am in Missouri the rest of my years . I remember the Lewis Hector family . They had children 2 or 3 years a little older than me . Also , Mrs . Lourie just across the drive from them . She lived alone in the house . I am not sure whether she was owner of the place where we lived or not . PaPa A Day Laborer Papa pretty much just a day laborer , worked wherever be found work . We did have a garden , I remember . What helps me remember that , the Lewises gave us several tomato plants that turned out to be little tomatoes and we were allowed to get them to eat when we wanted to . So the salt shaker went with us sometimes . So , I will remember we learned the sa1t shaker was not to be taken outside . The Lewis children had roller skates with wood wheels . They had two bedrooms upstairs . We went over to play one time and played upstairs on those skates . Each had one to skate around the beds on . I do not remember whether it was wet outside or too cold to play out but we were not close enough to play together often . I remember Mama sending us up to Mrs . Lourie 's about something sometimes . She was older than Mama - perhaps to borrow a little something . She was real friendly . She had a granddaughter that lived with her quite a bit . She was several years older than us . We lived there a short time . From the Dittermore Place , we moved to Hunt Orchard , also then known as Kenmore Orchard . Kenmore was a much smaller place shopping wise but was a railroad stop and had a depot and no doubt quite a bit of shipping done . Also at DeKalb there was some train service . This place was a 2 room house , a large big room and the front door to the big room was 3 steps down right outdoors . It was seldom used . We lived here I imagine a couple of years . Not so sure of that but I was around 5 years old soon after if not when we moved . That was quite a change for us as Papa was to work at the orchard all the time and the big apple barn was quite a thing for us when in use . The man pretty much in charge was a Mr . Reynolds . His home was quite a nice place and they had stock , cattle and hogs , chickens and horses . I am not sure of how much , only remember Daddy got a cow to milk and team and wagon some times to use . They had 2 children , a girl , Morene , about the age of May and I , and a baby boy . They lived too far away to play much together . I remember their first visit to us and her baby boy yet sitting on her 1ap , and her te11ing Mama bout how sick the baby had been and he had to have an operation and how they had to hold the little fellow down and not much of a help to relieve the pain either . It hurt me so I guess , I was busy taking this all in . I don 't remember playing while she was there or Morene either . Perhaps she and May were playing while I was entertaining myself about the baby as Mama always said , I was after the babies or old folks . Mrs . Reynolds asked Mama if I was her little girl . That really got my attention and I got behind the door and looked through a crack at them . Mama told her yes , I was but was more dark complexion perhaps due to being born in Oklahoma . But , I remembered Birdie was too , and I had not heard anything about her being so dark . It bothered me quite a while but , guess I soon accepted Mama was right . We had a phone so we could talk to Morene sometimes that way . Mr . Reynolds place was the only place we could call . If we wanted a doctor either had them call or Papa would go over and use their phone . We did not live there very long either but many early memories there . Our other neighbor was the Martins . They lived a little farther away than the Reynolds . They lived out on the highway not far from the apple barn . Mr . Martin worked at the orchard too . They had two boys , John & Fred . They were some older than May and I yet when Mr . Martin would be working around they often came along . I remember one day we had quite a time playing . They were always agreeable with us . We had a road that ran by our house from the apple barn to the country road to Kenmore . It had kind of a bank out in front of our house and the boys and we girls were digging out a place to sit and we sat in our dug out seats and played house . We were all Mr . & Mrs . DeWeese . But that was just one little silly recollection in childhood . Also off to one side of the house was a low spot . Understood it was an old caved in cellar . We had a cave cellar then too . It was used to cool and keep our milk and butter in the summertime and fall it took care of the potatoes we grew during the summertime and vegetables and fruit from garden that could be stored or canned . I don 't remember using glass jars at that time . Tin cans sealed with wax was the main canning container for us and later we had the glass jars that had a glass lid to fit with a rubber band and a clamp to fasten it down we thought pretty good . Now those jars are antiques . One hot summer day I remember Mama calling me to go with her to carry butter to the cellar as she needed both hands on the crock of milk she was carrying . As she lifted the cellar door she said " Beulah , stand back , this is a good day for snakes to hunt the cool spots . " So , I stepped back aside and she threw out three black snakes and followed them out to see that none got away . She would wrap them around a post in the cellar and they came out twisting . She was pretty good having a club or hoe handy but I remember her coming out to finish the job . Another time I went with her to our chicken house . She set hens to hatch her chicks . Often other hens would lay in with them . As she saw one old hen kinda high on the nest she took her off to find a black snake under her . It had swallowed several eggs . She got it by the tail and she must have had a good hold for I remember her telling me " get back and she rapped the post with it and it split the snake enough that broken eggs scattered . She could beat Papa doing things like that . He thought it funny and cheered her on . We had a little spotted dog we called Buster . He thought we kids as much fun as we him . Our yard was kinda downhill and we could put him in a sack and we run down the yard and he 'd follow trying to run too , rolling and tumbling and get then get out and come back with us for more . We then had long stockings and often he 'd get a hold of us kids like , we thought funny . One day Papa was going to St . Joe and he let Buster follow him into town and the dog catcher got him . We were upset for some time but I guess it was his way of solving the problem of torn socks . When they had our picture taken that summer we tried to get Buster 's too . We managed to get his ears . In the winter time Daddy often had two or three what he called figure four traps set . He used a piece of apple for bait so often he would get a rabbit . One time he caught a possum . That was our first time of seeing a live possum . It would get up to walk and Daddy just tap it a little and it would fall over as dead . He told us to be still and watch . So he keeled over several times for us , then it was decided to put him in the corn barrel in the hen house for a few days fattening then it was to be a roasted possum - but I never cared for it . Our mail box was quite a way from the house over across the creek and along the road . I imagine a short half mile lived the Farrel 's family . They had one girl some older than us but yet we played together quite often . Goldie , the daughter , had a rope swing in a large tree . She liked to swing high and May did too but not me . I did not want Mr . Farrel to push me very high . I would holler about it . The other girls liked for him to push them and run under them for fun . So he tried me and I turned loose of the swing but I was so fortunate to be caught before hitting the ground . That was the last of that . I never did learn the high swing . Even with my own children the high swing was not done by me . Someone else with that . Mr . Ferral always liked to tease me . When my 6 year birthday came around he came over as he said he would , as he was going to paddle me . So , when the day arrived I remember hearing someone say the Mr . Farrel was at the door . I ran and crawled under the bed . He had quite a time trying to get me out or pretending to , but I don 't remember rather I got the paddling or not but nothing serious . Another time they were over visiting one Sunday and we had the door shut between the rooms . We were like most little kids into things we had no business of . Mother kept her spices in paper sacks in the bottom of her safe where she kept dishes and often when cooking she let us taste cinnamon which we liked very much . So , no doubt it was me , we got out a little sack like cinnamon . I was on to get the first trial . It was red pepper instead . Well , I got the attention too . Mrs . Farrel said sweet cream was the best for the problem , so someone went to the cellar after it and it did work . I remember being a better little girl in nosing into things after that . We lived quite some distance from school . Often Mr . Farrel would take us in the buggy as he took Goldie . We always tried to get up there to go with her rather we walked or rode . One morning May was not going , why I don 't recall . I was going alone and got up to Mrs . Farrel 's and she said they have already gone . So , I had it on my own . I remember thinking if I go out back of the barn and down across the pasture it won 't be so far . So , I went on my way but felt pretty much alone but kept telling myself soon as I crossed the ditch down there and got upon hi11 on other side I 'd see the school house . So , made it all OK and don 't remember any fear farther . As I recall , that day it must have been the same day , I was coming home by myself and over the fence along the road a big tree with some low limbs close to the ground and it was a cool cloudy day and there were several turkeys gathered there . Several turkey hens were in the tree and some on the ground but there were several gobblers strutting themselves and I did not like the looks of them . I 'd never seen that many at one time before . I knew what they were for my grandma had a gobbler and a few hens . I crawled through the fence on the other side of the road as extra precaution and went on my way and crawled back further on . I think these episodes must have been the same day as I don 't remember being alone again while there . One Room School House Our school house was a two room one but only one room used at that time , 1912 . It was a brick building called the Bethel School . We had all eight grades and one teacher , Mrs . Enzie . We all seemed to think she was quite OK . The big kids and little ones all together . At recess and noon hour , playtime in winter time was a real fun time . I was a chunky one from what said , and five years old in May and to school in Sept . I remember the big boys taking us piggyback round over the room . When snow was on the ground they had a real sleighing place from the school yard on down the highway . Then seldom a car , some occasionally but we younger ones never off the ground of the school yard . One Fall I 'm not sure whether if our first or second year of school , it was Fall and apple picking time . Apple cider made by hand mill presses . They had three or four of them and they always had a pile of cull apples . Some - times they would take a wagon load into St . Joseph to the vinegar works . We children thought it fun to play up there when they were not busy working there . One Fall at school one of the 1ittle girls we played with had two older sisters that came to school , Webb sisters . To me their names seemed odd . The older one , Gracie and Facie and Costerl . Not sure rather spelled right , been so many years . But we 1ittle girls somehow got quite friendly and Mrs . Webb let Costerl come home with us from school . She could not get over us having so much fun playing when we got home . Mama let her put on one of our dresses to play and that way her dress was ready for school again . We had a good time but how much better to remember our trip to visit her . For often they came late to school . They lived quite a ways up highway in the opposite direction . There were several of us to leave school together and we often drop off two or three but it hadn 't been a good day for Costerl for she was not feeling too well and her mother had kept her home but it was OK for us to come with her sister Facie if we could and of course we wanted to go on . They turned off the highway at a store along the highway . It had men inside . After the last ones had left us there was a fellow we thought drunk for he weaved over the road . So , Facie asked if we had anything in lunch buckets to drop along the road . We and she had something and we went on and looked back and he had picked up and set down to eat . So , we hurried on and into the store to get the girl � s mother something and we wondered if he could catch up with us . We each was to have a penny to put in the gum machine that was outside of the door at the store . There was a little porch on the front . Facie had brought a penny for Costerl to have gum too . They had lamps lit in the store . When we came out of the store and on our way to their house the road was dark for it was kind of a wooded area . They had lights lit in the home . When we arrived . I needed to get to the outhouse . That we never had at home . We had the chicken house or back place . This outhouse had no roof . I could look up and see the stars and I was afraid I was going to fall into the large hole I was to use . We soon ate our supper and our special playtime was a kettle of popcorn they gave us . We were to climb a wall ladder to get up there and we could see them down stairs between the floor boards . It was our first experience of an upstairs during school days . The next morning , up by lamp light for breakfast and Mrs . Webb and Gracie combed our hair and we left for school and lamps still lit on the table . We got to school late that morning . In later years Mama would remark she couldn 't see why she ever allowed us to go not knowing more about where they lived . That year we certainly moved , for next I remember going to a different school . While we lived on the Orchard Place , Mama was in the hospital . I remember them carrying her out of the house in a sheet and put her on a bed of straw in the back of the spring wagon to be taken to the hospital in St . Joseph , Mo . Uncle Jim and Aunt Lizzie , Papa 's sister and husband , stayed with us at this time . Papa must have stayed most of the time in St . Joe while Mama was in the hospital . He had relatives there . May , my older sister , wanted to go with Uncle Jim to milk the cow . We kind of knew where it was but while we had been told maybe some time , it never seemed to come around . When we were awakened one morning as he was going over , we hurried to dress and went out to follow him . There was a foot log to cross the creek and we both afraid of that so decided to take wagon road around . When we went through the gate we ran into some hogs which seemed to be as much afraid of us as we them . We couldn 't find Uncle Jim at the barn so went to look in the pasture for if the cow was not at the barn he 'd milk her out there . Well , when we did find him he would not say anything to us . He was finishing the cow so just got up , picked up the stool and went on to the barn and we followed him . He put the stool inside of the barn and on his way home across the foot log . We were afraid if we made our way down the bank and up and on in home , well , we followed . That was our last trip with him . Mother was in the hospital another time . We girls stayed with Grandma and Uncle Lonnie DeWeese . They had a little 3 room home and Ada , a cousin , stayed with them as her home but they made room for we children too for a few days . Uncle Lonnie helped the farmers around and he had a few acres for growing cane . He made sorghum molasses in the Fall and it was told we were not to play around where he was working but did get showed all about it . He had 3 or 4 different pans he called them as one would get so far along it was to be emptied into the lower one . It was on a downhill like slope he called it . He also had the sorghum mill that put the cane through to take the juice out . It was turned by his old horse called Charlie . We knew a little about it and a few times had pushed each other around on the arm that they would hitch the horse to turn the mill . Finding Treasure I was a natural busy body , I guess . There had been people lived there before them and we found things that had been drifted over the bank . I found an old doll buggy one morning . I brought it up in the yard , tried to straighten it up and did get it so it would roll on 3 wheels as I pushed it . That was quite a deal . Also playing along the bank and roadside up to the house I found some peanuts growing in the bank and that was new to all of us . It was an accident , I guess . Baked Skunk One morning grandma had baked a skunk to get the skunk oil for her home remedies . She had an old stool in the back yard she butchered chickens on . She put it out there to cool a bit and when she went out to get it , it was gone . Generally supposed a dog picked it up . I don 't remember them having one then . Grandma 's Birthday Uncle Willie , his father , had been killed when working on the railroad when Charlie was 6 weeks old . He was reluctant to do it and she said , " If you don 't I 'll have to let Beulah wear it . " So , I wished he wouldn 't . But , however , I never had it in the picture taken when Mildred was a few months old . Sunday School IN School House While Grandma and Uncle Lonnie lived there they had Sunday School in the school house . Uncle Lonnie was the one to pretty much manage it . He led the singing and had a Bible class and they had someone to preach occasionally . We were too far away to go only when we went to visit and usually when we got back Uncle would pass out the candy . That is about as much fun . We rode in the big wagon . One winter Papa took the big bob sled with wagon bed and straw like ln the wagon when it was cold . When it was so bad in the mud sometimes he gave us older girls a big heavy stick to help punch mud from wagon wheels where it rolled up so bad . We had never seen any cars at that time . PaPa Spends Time With Kids I must not forget to tell how Papa used to wake May and I up and help us dress while Mama fixed breakfast . He put in quite a bit of time with us two girls . The year before we were to start to school we were to know our ABC 's , count to 100 and tell time and spell our names . If we could do that he was going to see that Santa Claus brought us a nice doll . Home - made Dolls The dolls we played with , Mama made out of black material with button eyes . That was OK . We also had stick kids , when playing . That winter just before Christmas he was going to St . Joe . Aunt Myrtle and two children had been visiting us and she was going to Oklahoma and he was going to take them to the depot and shop some and May and I was to go along and see the dolls . That was a real Christmas , in a way . Real Doll For Christmas Our first and I think last two of its kind . We went to the toy department at Herschel . In 1912 , it was a different place - on 3rd St . and down in the basement . The Big Shoe that the old woman lived in was kind of a slide through it and children could stick their heads out of it and Santa was nearby . I don 't remember having much to say to Santa Claus but he may have assured us for how those dolls we chose found their way to our house , I never heard just how . But to be the ones we picked out or ones like them . My doll had dark hair and blue dress and white pinafore and May 's just like it in a way but had blond hair and pink dress . Those dolls are the only bought dolls I remember we children had bought at a store by parents . A few years later I remember Uncle Lonnie giving Birdie a doll dressed up like a nurse about time of war , year of 1915 or 1916 . Mildred had one given her so each of we older girls had one store bought doll during childhood . But , I assure you we were never neglected and remembered also at Christmas time . We never had any big thing of store bought gifts unless clothes or such , always had the Christmas treats of candy and nuts and oranges which we never had much of at any other time . We knew the why for of Christmas . On the Grave � s Place we had four rooms , two up and two down . Mr . & Mrs . Graves and their daughter lived nearby . We all shared the same yard . Florence went to the school in DeKalb but May and I went to the country school called the Sampson School . It was a little one room school house . We learned in later years that some of older folks did too . They knew several of the Sampsons that lived in that area . The school was a short mile of DeKalb . I remember one day near Valentine 's Day I was allowed to walk to town with a friend , Geneva Sampson . She was going to buy a few valentines . Mama had given me pennies . I don 't remember buying anything but it was a thrill to go with her . Our teacher , Miss Nora Watson , was quite a teacher . She enjoyed the older girls and boys that came to school . We played games when it was too cold to play outside . The big and little all together . I remember playing a game , I believe it was called post office . The boys and girls , another clap in and out when one was called in sat in the wrong place . We 'd clap them out . The oldest boys often had chewing gum . They would share with the right girl if she sat in the right place . I wished I could get some but it was more often shared with the older girls . Since May had been held back in school to wait for me to accompany her , we both were in the 3rd grade . There was a knock at the door . Like all kids we all looked to see who it was . It was our county superintendent . When she asked if he 'd like to go on with the class on the floor , he told her no , to go on with it . But when it was over he wanted to hear our class . She never seemed to have time to help us . When he had given us each a chance to read and when we came to a word we could not pronounce he let the next one try . It seemed we all needed a little assistance . But at recess time all were dismissed to go out to play . He wanted to talk to the teacher - all wanted to peep through the key hole . But there were others bigger and older so went on to play . After that she gave us more time and help . It was about this time cars were more plentiful . One of the trustees of the school courted her . One morning they sat in his car till recess time . We all had quite a play time that morning . Another teacher followed her , Miss Uell Summerfield . We all liked her very much . She also boarded at the same place . It was close to the school house . Things seemed to go quite well and we had all eight grades in that one room . Story hour after recess in the afternoon seemed to get attention of all . But to listen to that and not have our lesson that followed was rather rough sometimes . Some may have to stay awhile after school to have it . There was a rock quarry nearby the school . Most blasting was done at off hours of school . We all were warned to stay away from there as there could be unknown dangers . I don 't remember of it being a problem to our teacher . EEK ! A Mouse ! I remember an old wood crate box out near there and occasionally someone would hide in it when playing hide and seek . Once one of the boys caught a mouse in there . We younger children knew nothing of it until after the afternoon recess time . It was story hour time . Our teacher being afraid of even a mouse , pulled out the drawer to get her book and the mouse was ready to jump and run and the teacher jumped up on her chair and on to the desk with a scream . At first some of the younger children was scared too until we realized what happened . It was a big laugh for all . I do not recollect what was done but I am sure nothing serious . They might have had to see it got outside or else but , school went on . That teacher was really liked . Moved To Town While going there to school there were many memories to remain with me . The first time we were there a short time as our folks lived on a farm a short time to look after farm and animals while the folks were away all summer and fall . Then we moved into a three room house in DeKalb and spent winter there and we went to the DeKalb School until spring time . Several little memories linger from there . We lived several blocks away from the school house . Henry Mallot was our teacher . He was quite young and guess he been up late and would go to sleep in school sometimes and older children make paper wads to throw at him . We thought that funny . We spent a Christmas in that place . That winter there was much snow . One of the streets into DeKalb ran by the front of the house and there was a window on that side where we could see older children sleigh ride down by our house . Older ones used a bobsled and a wagon box with side boards on it . They would start at the top which was at the edge of town and down by our house and then a little rise in road to reach in further to the highway out to the edge of town . One moon shining night there were a load of them and they had a large long rope on it and all got hold of it to pull it back up the hill . It must have been quite a job for saw this only a few times . On the other side of the street our neighbors had a small acreage and their children had a nice place to sleigh ride and we could watch them . We children liked it there . We could walk to Sunday school . Also , Aunt Mary , Mother 's sister , lived a short distance over from us . She had three children . She lived there before we moved . She had lost her husband and a six month old baby in Oklahoma , I believe it was . The baby , a boy , and he had a twin sister . Aunt Mary brought the baby girl and older boy and girl back to Missouri and they were with an older woman . I understood she was a step - grandmother . A Tragedy Later on Aunt Mary married a second time and soon after she lost the older daughter - 6 years old . I heard them call it Bright � s disease . But it was a sad affair . We older children were allowed to go over to view the little body before she was laid in a casket . The step - dad was a man that liked his booze too much . It was a double sad affair . Our father and others in family and friends came in to lend her a hand and take care of things . That spring Papa got a job out on a farm and went to help a man that was kind of in the hog business . He was out of town around two miles or more . His house was 5 rooms and a closed in porch which we used for a second bedroom . We had a kitchen , living room and one bedroom but the closed in porch helped us out . He had the other two rooms . He had a team and one old cow I remember so well . She was black and with a little white marking on her . She was so gentle that four of us could try to milk her at the same time . I had a little experience before at another place we lived for a few months taking care of the man 's stock and place while he and his wife were away so I felt well experienced . The school house was just down the hill and across the creek and road from us . We liked that . There are many memories of living there . Mother always liked having guineas . She had two hens and a rooster . They were so bad to hide out their nest but had managed somehow to have several little ones that summer . I had heard Mama often speak of liking to have them to help keep hawks from little chickens . One day I just happened to be out back of the outhouse and they were out in the yard nearby . As I was coming in I heard a shrill noise from them and the little guineas just settled on the ground , did not move , and then all three of them left off after a hawk . I guess it had tried to get a little one but they just raised up off the ground , no trouble and could see the big bird ahead of them and going up a hill . I stood and watched a few minutes and they soon returned and settled down with quite a chatter and all the little guineas were up and going . So that helped me to understand why Mama liked to have them . After that I noticed that Mama liked to find the guineas nest and save eggs and set an old hen with them . That way Mother said , they accept the chickens and don 't have any problem when they are housed with them in wintertime . I also saw an old mother hen seemed not to be able to wean them like little chicks . After the old hen did her mothering and taken to the roost they would go up and set with her and when she started laying again they would go with her to the hen house and set up on the roost until she came off the nest and they would go out with her . Our landlord , Mr . Croft , had a big old male hog in a pen at the foot of the yard near by a creek and there was a corn crib there too . We did not realize the place was so infested with rats until one day there was a heavy rain and by that time the little goslings got to wandering off and found the water . That evening we had lost the last of them . We went down by the creek to find them . At that time I believe we had only five left and out of the five we found one . I guess it was us that was around hunting that partway saved it though it was crippled enough it soon died . At the time we had mother 's younger brother visiting us . He was about the same age as May , the older of us children . We had a funeral for the gosling . We made quite a do over that and it was buried up on the hill above our house . Poor Kitty We children never had a cat or dog pet since we lost our first dog , Buster , to the dog catcher in St . Joe . At this particular time we had a little kitten that had found its way to our home the next morning after a school program of some kind and we were so pleased about hat and it really had our attention . I had it up on my shoulder and Mr . Croft came by with a stick or board , I 'm not sure , but knocked it off my shoulder . We kids began to gather anything and throw at him . He made his hurried get away into the house and behind the kitchen stove . Mother had fortunately seen the episode and she said she didn 't approve of we kids behavior but nor did she his , so never made any ado about it . At least there were no dogs and cats there . Pet Pig To Market We did have one pet , a pig . Mother often had helped to save a pig a while and to be returned to the sow later but this time it was a little crippled pig down in the hip and kind of drug itself around . We called it Drag . It got to be quite a nice hog . Though yet quite down in that hip and about the time we left that place they sent a load of hogs to town and it went right along . In fact , Mother was quite pleased as no dock on it and it brought her quite a little nest egg . She had wanted a dresser so it was used when we moved right after that . This was in 1916 . The school we attended there was called the Lewis school . All eight grades taught there and ages from 5 years to 18 attended . Ernest Matthews was our teacher the first year we were there . We Iiked him quite well . He was a real teacher in more ways than one . He was a real master in penmanship . One winter day I remember he entertained us all during the noon hour . After we had eaten our sandwich , he was going to show us how to use our penmanship in drawing . He drew a buggy top and all using the small letters of the alphabet and I don 't remember any problem during the noon hour . I remember his fore finger on right hand looked like it kind of worn down or flattened out . He told us it was due to the use of it in his study and work in learning about penmanship capabilities . He was considered pretty much of an artist with it . He was a teacher well liked by all . I don 't ever remember any children complain about him . One time a couple of the younger boys caught some frogs out of the creek and turned them loose in the school house . He made them take them back to the creek and bring him a switch each . They brought back little switches and he went out and got ones he wanted to use on them at recess and gave them orders none such be tolerated . Often after recess we got time off for a spelling bee or ciphering match . One afternoon some of the older kids caught teacher out of school house at recess and slipped in and got the key . He ignored it and let them have the time to play . He did not make much to - do about that the first time . So they tried it another time and locked the door and key inside . It was some of the older girls and boys in on that deal but they were found out and all involved had to go in through a raised window and open the door . There was some of the girls cried but he told them he would help them up through the window but hoped he would not need to do it again and didn 't while we were there . We were glad to go back . The little farm was sold and the neighbor that lived joining it bought it and asked Papa to come back to farm it . Some way papa did manage to handle it . Uncle Lonnie loaned him his old horse one summer and he got another old horse to go with it and he managed to have two or three cows . There wasn 't many acres that was in cultivation . We had a nice big pear tree near the house and Papa was given an old orchard to clear out and he had privilege having it for a corn field . I got my experience helping him . He taught me how to help him use a cross cut saw , he on one end of the saw and me on the other . I was always around him trying anything he let me try . I learned to use an ax clearing the orchard . I got to help trim tree limbs for wood . I knocked myself in the head one time after cutting the limb on the wrong side of my foot and it flew up and hit me in the head enough I got to go to the house awhile , but went back soon after . When he got it all trimmed up and hauled to the house he had what he called a saw buck where we could lay the limbs on it and use the buck saw to cut them into lengths for the cook stove . I felt to be quite grown up . Papa would often cut up quite a pile and let we girls rick it up . We even made a play house place out of the wood . It was near three feet high and we called them walls . Our cousin came to visit with our great grandfather one time . She was the same age as me . She had not been away from home overnight before . She got along all right until night time . I remember her crying and setting on grandpa 's lap . We tried to help entertain her . I don 't remember how long they stayed . Uncle Will and Aunt Minnie Grandpa lived with them much of the time . Uncle Will had purchased Grandpa 's farm . What arrangements were made I don 't know . About the time it seemed to me as he finished paying off on the farm he lost one of his horses . I do not remember how come but be decided to save the hide and have it made into an overcoat for him . He came to see us with it on one time . I 'm quite sure he felt as important in it as he looked . Grandpa and Grandma Chambers lived in the opposite direction of Kidder . Uncle Jim , the older of Mama 's brothers , seemed to have been fortunate having a small acreage that our grandparents lived on . The house had three - rooms , a barn and a chicken house and Grandma always raised a few turkeys . I remember her fixing one for us one time when we were visiting them and going with someone to visit a neighbor of theirs that raised guineas . The first I remember seeing . They raised the white and blue . We always had the blue kind . These guineas sure made a lot of noise . They never had any chickens or at least I don 't remember seeing any but they had a yard full of guineas . Back then many people called them prairie chickens and liked that type meat . We liked them quite well too . One year May and I went to visit Grandpa and Grandma Chambers by ourselves . Papa put us on the train and Uncle Will met us at the depot . We thought it quite a treat . Mad As A Hen It may have been the same year that Aunt Minnie left Pearl at home and took Forrest and Mable with her to visit Grandma and Uncle Lonnie , her mother and brother that lived near DeKalb , Missouri , and near us also . May and I and with Pearl that visit had quite a time . They had chickens too and some of them laid at the barn . There was an old hen that decided to set there regardless what was done . Seems they had her up a few days and yet wanted to set even with rocks in the nest . There she set . We three girls decided to try putting a paper sack on her tail and another suggested to put in a few pebbles and we blew it up and tied it to her tail feathers and turned her loose . I remember that trick equal to the boy � s tricks . The poor old hen , she got frightened and forgot about setting for a while at least , and she ran and flew up on the lot gate and cackled and run and flew around in the barn like she was scared to death . I just don 't remember just the finish up of the details but we did find the sack . I imagine it broke the setting fever . Uncle Will thought it funny , I guess , for he said he had three cooks . He took us over to Grandma 's for a little visit too . I don 't recall the finish up of this but he may have come for us to catch the train when he was going after Aunt Minnie . We were pretty well looked after . May and I went a couple or three times alone to visit folks in St . Joe as we had Aunt Clara 's family there that was Papa 's sister and family . She had two girls , one which was 11 years older than the younger . When we went to visit she was working . The younger , Ethel , about same age of May and she had two cousins on her father 's side that lived nearby and one of them near our age too . So it was always fun to visit there . Aunt Clara worked so we girls had a nice time . Fun At Lake Contrary Uncle Lonnie always liked to help entertain us too . Lake Contrary was quite an entertainment place when we were growing up . Uncle Lonnie , one trip took us through the old mill and it was interesting . The merry - go - round always ok . Uncle Lonnie took us on the Shoot the Shoot that was a boat that pulled to the top and turned around and shot down into the lagoon . Then later years , I was eighteen or older , we were at Aunt Alice 's in St . Joe and a cousin was then living in St . Joe . I didn 't know it then but she heard I was there and this cousin , a few years my senior , called to see if I would go with her to Lake Contrary as they were beginning then to move many of the attractions out . She said I 'd like to ride the figure eight one more time before they move it out . I never had any play money to spend but she was the one that was taking care of the expenses involved . She wanted me to accompany her so we went . I had never rode the figure eight . The look of it was enough for me . She insisted I go one time , maybe the last chance and it was . I did go but I can � t say I enjoyed it . I said when we pulled to the top to start I caught my breath and I hardly feel I took another till it came to a stop . My first and last . That was the last trip . The next time I was down there no one would have ever known it had the attractions it once had . Not much but a bathing beach and some seemed to think a good place to fish . Editor 's Note : I 'm not sure what is meant here about moving things out of the park . Lake Contrary Park did not close permanently until May of 1964 . My family and I had many good times there including riding the Shoot The Chute . At this time we were living at Rushville . We moved there when we left the Long 's farm and went to the Sampson school and May and I were in the 6th grade . I was near twelve years old when we moved there . It was a different life for sure for we , a little less than one - half mile of school and church . Rushville was about 5 miles from Atchison but not too many cars at first . Rushville was quite a busy little town . There was a drugstore , two banks , post office , restaurant , barbershop , hardware , three grocery stores , garage and the Red Ranger office . L . F . Gingery had the Red Ranger office and they put out a hunting magazine every month . I and Birdie , a sister less than two years younger than me , helped put the magazines out . There was 40 acres in the home place where we lived . We never had much stock when we went there . I think we had the one cow or two . A fellow that ran a filling station had three cows . He had been farming and left that for the station . He claimed they belonged to his little daughter and he just leased them out for their care and the calves when old enough to sell . In time Papa bought them . In a few years we had cows to milk and sold cream and Papa raised a few hogs for several years . The fellow we rented the farm from had hogs several years on the back part of the 40 acres . He had a corn crib and pens back there and Papa fed them for him . Learning To Farm There was several acres in bottom land , it near a mile away . It was a partnership deal . There I grew to be quite a farm hand . I loved to be out and about . The first year we were there Papa tried to get both May and I broke in to helping him farm . I looked forward to it . He even risked us on the harrow and a team of three horses or mules . I 'm not just sure for to start he had 2 horses and the fellow , Mr . Davis , he worked for had 3 mules . The harrow had a wide board across it to stand on and ride it . If for any reason we needed to get off we were to stop the team and step back . I don 't remember doing much but enough just to say we done some of it . The next project was to learn the breaking plow and to follow it and cut corners off as we came to the end of the furrows . The most fun or enjoyment to me was when the corn was up and being cultivated . We used a tool called a monitor or go - devil by some people . Papa liked his corn planted in furrows and that way when he went over it the first time it would fill dirt in around it and he said it got rid of a lot of grass . He usually got over the corn three times by the time it was laid by . Sometimes , if weather permitted we got over some four times . High School A Problem We were near by the railroad where we farmed . The depot was across the tracks . There was an elevator nearby and quite a bit of freight going out as well as coming in . That was before the trucking business began . There was a second elevator that went up while we lived there . It was called the Farmers Elevator but many changes made after us being there . The school had eight grades and 2 years of high school . I tried the first year of high school two different times . The first year I had appendicitis which hurt quite a bit and it proved to be rough getting to and from school and gave up on it . And one year Mother being pregnant and having a little one at home to do for too . I was out one year as it was said May was held back one year for me to go with her to school so I was held out to help one year too . But I never seemed to mind the missing out . The younger sister I helped to care for thought it quite all right too . There were four of we girls before our brother , Howard , was born . He never seemed to get too much interested in farming . Mama said , " His Daddy had me broken in too well to have much patience with Howard . " But he did come along and help some . About time he was big enough for doing much , we had a cousin about his age made his home with us . His name was Clarence Scott . He was near the age of Howard , but doing things on the farm , hard to tell which was the better . I always liked to work in the hay field . For some reason , if no other , was to smell the fragrance of hay time . Papa would mow and rake and I and the boys job to shock it up to make it better to haul in to the stock . We never had much barn room . So , it was always stacked . Howard may be able to put a bigger fork load on the hay sled then Clarence but Clarence could put as much on for he worked faster . I was five years the oldest so couldn 't expect so much I guess . It was rather a rough field so was taught how to handle the hay sled as well as the hay . PaPa Proud It made me feel good to hear my Daddy tell someone that he just as soon have me to pitch hay to him to stack as any one . I could put it where he wanted it as well or better than others . When working in the corn field I 'd hear him say , " Well , I can give Beulah a wrench and a pair of pliers and go on about my work and she pretty much takes care of herself . " I remember one time I was using the monitor that has three discs on each side of the row being worked . One side of the discs became loose before I knew it and I could not get the team to pull it right . So , I 'd went quite a ways before realizing what was wrong and when I stopped to get Papa 's help , as he most always worked in the same field , he just laughed and showed me what was wrong . I expect that was about when I learned about the need of a wrench . But in fact , I 've always liked to fix things that I could without having to ask someone to do it for me . Stuborn As A Mule Daddy had one old mule he called Jack . He was kind of a nuisance wherever he worked him . I had to work him sometimes . Papa had to get a bicycle bit for him in order to handle him . Sometimes he 'd pull so hard on it he 'd have his mouth sore . One time I had him and the mare that Papa used to work with him . He said she just let the mule pull it if he wanted so she just had her usual gait to walk and old Jack began to pull away off from the row of corn just due to , I guess , a mole hole after a rain . He 'd pull around most any little unusual hole in the ground . Someone told Papa the old mule was forty years old but regardless of years , he still had some pull in him . Daddy kept him until he had raised him a team of young mules and sold him . One summer day he was wanting to go to Atchison . The mare he usually drove to buggy was heavy with young . He said , " Well , it 's a good time to break old Jack to the buggy . " So , he hitched him up to the buggy . He said , " Well , I 'll take him for a little drive and see how he 'll behave . " So he took him for quite a little drive both ways and I was going along . After his trial run we were ready to go and Papa said , " It 's going to be pretty hot today . You better take the umbrella . " Well , the old mule was so sensitive to any unusual thing , I 'd been most afraid to try anything new with him . In past years if we kids were traveling in the wagon going to and from Grandma 's and Uncle Lonnie 's we get to laughing or singing and old Jack would have to show off as Papa said , to try to run and pull the whole wagon and we would have to stop . Well back to trip to Atchison . I got the umbrella . We never needed it going but coming back in early afternoon it was really warming up . We had left old jack at Winthrop . It was a little town where we crossed the bridge to Winthrop from Atchison . Since old Jack was so scared of a hole in the ground the bridge over the river into Atchison was laid with big heavy planks or boards they had cracks between them about an inch and we were afraid we 'd never get that mule across the river . Papa did unhitch him from the buggy , too . Usually when we drove the mare over we just hitch her up and could trust her to be okay for a short time . So , after shopping and whatever , we were ready to go home . Daddy hooked Jack to the buggy . We got out on the road for a while , he said , " Well , we might as well give the umbrella a try . " I did raise the umbrella and old Jack raised his tail and broke into a run . Daddy said it was up to him , he could walk if he chose to do so . But , I don 't remember him slacking his pace and it was kind of hilly too . When we got in home he knew it as well as we . The umbrella down and his tail too . He was really wet and rather in a lather . So , I imagine he was ready for a rest . When Howard got to be a dozen years old he was to have the use of a 22 rifle and Papa taught him pretty much with it and he got where he could do pretty well . There was a target that came with it . Daddy , tacked it up on a tree out in the yard . I got to try it too . My first shot the best ever made . I really hit the bull 's eye as Daddy called it . It was really a laugh . But , I could hardly hit the tree after that . Another time I was after the cows early springtime . Without ever thinking I ran into the most beautiful patch of mushrooms . There I was without anything to put them in . It was a long way to go back for something too . I just gathered up the tail of my dress and filled it . In a couple of days I checked that same spot and found two . But I really had a good mess , a gallon or more . A surprise to others as well as to me . Never found them after that year . My sister Birdie , a little less than two years younger than me , made a good pal for me . She never worked in the field like I did but was pretty busy otherwise . She got a Job working at the restaurant soon after graduating from grade school . Good Money : Dollar A Day In fact , it might have been sometime before . We pretty much shared together in the home . One time I worked for a family around five or six weeks for a dollar a day . That was big money then . They had a family of five children and I don 't remember of any of them going to school . Their father had the measles and complications getting over them . Mrs . Hale 's brother was a mail carrier but he stayed with them and helped with the chores . It was quite an experience for me . I got along fine with children . I 'd get home once in a while but I remember I got three aprons out of the deal . Mama made for me as money needed for other things in the home . I don 't remember ever feeling neglected in any way . I was always the one to help at the barn in doing the chores . I am not sure whether Howard ever learned to milk . No doubt he did in time . While working in the corn field I was pretty much entertained by the passing of trains . At that time there were several by there . I could guess petty much of time of day by them . I guess the men on the train recognized me . They would wave as they went by . The field by the tracks was a good distance . I heard Papa say the rows a quarter mile long . I learned about how long it took to make a round in the field . We took our lunch and sometimes Mama would not have lunch ready and she would send one of the younger ones with it . The first year or two , May helped sometimes in the field . If so , she 'd be working with Papa . I would take the lunch for him and May was to go home and I 'd help him . Kids All Help At Home May seemed a little more frail than I . I knew what it was to draw water by hand which we usually did so that would be especially for me to help Mama on wash mornings and Papa afternoons . I had more strength than May to draw water also to carry it out . But May might help some in the garden . We all knew what it was to help at home . We each had our differences in things to do but , I don � t remember of any of us complaining how things were at home . In blackberry time we knew what it was to pick blackberries too and fight the chiggers . I most usually took a cloth with coal oil and rubbed it around under my arms and waist and changed clothes when I got back to the house . There were groundhog dens over in the patch . We never liked that but Papa always told us they were afraid of us as we were them . We never liked the job of picking blackberries but they sure were good to eat in the wintertime when a cobbler was made out of them . Mama liked to shuck corn so when it came time to shuck corn she liked to go with Papa to the field . She would take called down row and Papa a couple standing . They made a real pair at that . She had a peg to shuck with as well as Papa . I remember one fall they were shucking corn and they wanted to get it out of the field before winter weather so , was shucking corn Thanksgiving Day . We kids thought it awful for we wanted to go to grandmothers and Uncle Lonnie 's . How well we tried to tell them it was Thanksgiving Day and how thankful they should be and visit instead of shucking corn . Mama said , " Yes , I know it is Thanksgiving and we are thankful we have the corn to shuck . If you girls want to fix chicken and dumplings for supper okay . Go get an old hen off the nest and butcher her for Thanksgiving dinner at home . " I 'm not sure whether we did or not but , it gave us a choice . Home Made Graduation Dress A Success One thing sure , she taught us how to do things ; cook , wash and sew . I and May made our 8th grade graduation dresses . That was our biggest accomplishment in the sewing business . Mama got us white voile to make them out of . We also learned to cut our patterns . In fact , could do better then than now . When I buy a pattern it is a puzzle for me . But I wanted three tucks in the skirt . Mama told me to baste them first before using machine . I basted them two or three times and finally quit basting and just sewed them in on machine . I never told Mama but somehow they came out fully as well as basting . May made ruffles in a V shape front and back . We were complimented on our dresses . Our teacher , Merlin Allison , and wife took we two girls and Ada Johnson , a friend that had graduated that year to the Peanut cafeteria for lunch that day in St . Joe . We had enough money to pay for our dinner . Though we found out that the teacher would have treated us , we were glad we could pay for our meal as they were so good to get us to the graduation exercise at the auditorium in St . Joe . lt was quite a feat for us to march across the platform and pick up our diplomas . I don 't remember what happened to my diploma but I yet have list of names of all graduates of Buchanan County that year , 1921 . The summer was a busy one . Papa got the garden ready and I helped to get it planted . May had a Job helping a family in town , the Gingery family . He was the manager of the Red Ranger Fox Hunter 's work and they bad a magazine put out once a month . Mrs . Gingery had a new baby boy about the same time that our younger sister was born so she needed help with the children . They had two others , a boy and a girl . The boy was older and school age . The baby , while named Lee Emerson , they nicknamed him Tut as he was born at the time during an excavation going on in old country that King Tut 's tomb was found . That was big talk for a while . May was there during week days and home over weekends . They took milk from us , a half gallon to be delivered . That was Howard 's job most of the time . I did it often as we were about a quarter mile of town and I liked it better than he did anyway . In fact , I liked outside work better than indoor . One of the high school teachers stayed at the Gingery home . They had a large house that was renovated about the time May went to work there . They often had company as there would be some of the hunters in from other places and Mr . Gingery raised fox hounds too . As we were out in the country sometimes the hunt would start at our place . The guys would bring the hounds out and park and take hounds out on leases into the pasture and to release them . Mr . Gingery had one old hound pretty much the leader to take off and he had his horn to call off a hunt . They seemed not to care to ever catch a fox but the hounds make a good chase and got exercise . If they did ever catch a fox they must have let it go since I don 't remember ever seeing a fox brought back . Neswpapger articles of that era claimed that fox hunting in Missouri was a bigger sport than fishing or game hunting . Code of the fox hunters was to not harm the fox and the highly trained hounds likewise would not harm the fox even if they caught it . It was stated that the hunt was as much fun for the fox as for the hounds and the hunters . While we all were yet at home Birdie had a bout of scarlet fever . At that time Birdie and Morris were courting and May was interested in a fellow quite a bit older than her . He was a son of an old man in our neighborhood that raised tobacco . He had lived in Indianapolis , Indiana . He had worked in the bakery business before he came to visit his father . He had been married and had a daughter , for reason never learned , was divorced . He got acquainted with the family known as the Morgan family . They had three girls and 3 boys . If I remember right , the younger of the boys about our age . The three girls all older but the younger one was about a couple or so years older . She seemed to feel her senior authority too . She had kind of taken an eye for the fellow , Fred Westfall , but it seemed she wasn 't having much luck . It was during this time a few families of young folks have a Saturday night party and get together in games . We girls were allowed to be in on a few of them and Fred seemed to get May 's attention . She at that time was in high school . She had taken the first two years at Rushville . That was all that was offered there and the third year she went to Kidder , MO . Daddy helped her with some expenses but she helped in the cafeteria for board . Uncle Will and Aunt Minnie lived there and Pearl , their daughter , went to the Kidder high school too . So , that the last year in high school for May for the following summer she and Fred was seeing one another quite frequently . She worked at the Gingerys that summer and fall and decisions were made to get married . At this time sister , Birdie , had a young man to get interested in her . He lived near Grandmother and Uncle Lonnie and Birdie had got acquainted with another young man through an uncle that had made his home with us and worked on the railroad . He had a new car , a roadster I believe they called it . He had friends and family of his deceased wife he often visited at Wallace , Mo . Birdie had met the fellow being with Uncle John . One night , I believe it was her first date , and they had gone to a show and the other fellow taken it on himself to come see Birdie too and no date . Well , that was the last for him . But Not Beulah They had quite a time in their courting days . You might be wondering about mine . Well , they were few . I never got started out that way , I guess . Too busy taking over for the other girls to go away , I guess . I don 't remember begrudging them of any time . I had not got interested or no one interested in me . The Old Out of Gas Trick I 'll have to tell you a hair - raising story about my first date . Pretty much could call it a blind date . He lived next door to folks in St . Joe I went to work for . Been so long ago I forget , it might have been when I stayed with an older cousin that needed help awhile with family . Well , I remember the guy 's first name , Clarence , and I believe last was Frye . He came over one afternoon and visiting the man of the house and I was introduced to him . I found out later the guy had wagered the fellow of getting a date with me , and called that afternoon about a date to a show . When I was called to the phone and was told Clarence wanted to talk to me . I was dumb , thinking of a cousin 's husband who , one time before had asked me to a show with him as Ada , his wife , had a meeting , and so just thinking it such an occasion . So you see how dumb I was . And then , I was told it was the Clarence that I had met that afternoon , I couldn 't be beat so had to go along with it . On the way I remarked I 'd just as soon take a drive down to Rushville , my home where there had been quite a rain storm . So , that was okay with the guy . We got down there and found the bridge washed out and we had to go a long way around . Well , we made that trip okay . He got to see my parents and what common folks we were and in fact , I 'm not too sure I did go to a show one other time . But on our way home on first date he asked me what I do if I was out on a date at night and ran out of gas , what would I do ? I told him I 'd be ready to walk to see if we could find someone we could get a little gas from , so it was a minor discussion . I let him know I 'd rather be found hunting gas than found setting in a car waiting daylight . So , perhaps that not to his notion . Then when I told a cousin about the date , she was one I guess knew about all the dateable guys . She told me all about what a guy he was and she would not be caught with him . Well , I wasn 't ever caught though I had dated him and was glad I had let him understand where I stood . But from the outcome of the cousin ' sSince speaking of the cousin , she had an older sister of eleven years . It could have been her I was helping when I had my first date experience . She was quite a musician on the piano . She about the same age of sister , May . Uncle Ed Smith , her Dad , was quite a fiddle player and played for dances and I often wondered how Aunt Clara , my father 's sister , ever got interested in him but goes to show any of us can get off the better road of life if not pretty careful . He drank pretty heavy at times too . The older girl had a real ear for music . She played piano by ear and I 'd prefer her playing to Ethel 's , who had with her Dad 's help made up quite a band . I was there one night when I was informed I could come to the door and watch them practice , fiddle and all . Well , it was nice with her at the piano and Uncle Ed on the fiddle he always called it . PaPa Kills A Rattler I was a little girl around seven or eight years old . We lived on a farm where our father worked . He had a nice old carriage . It had fringe around the top of it and an oil lantern light on each side in front . Papa was allowed the use of it and team to go to visit Aunt Clara and Uncle Ed . On our way into St Joe the horses got road shy at something and Papa couldn 't get the team to go by a spot in the road and he noticed a rattlesnake off at the side all coiled . He gave Mother the lines after he had backed the team back away from the spot . He took a single tree from behind the horses and killed it . We all were terribly scared but he did a good job of it and then he cut the rattle off of the end of the snake 's tail . It had eleven rattles and button . So , when papa told the story at Aunt Clara 's , Uncle Ed asked for the rattle to put in his violin to give it the right noise as he played it . Well , Papa gave it to him and we kids wished he had kept it . Daddy said , eleven rattles and the button showed the age of the snake , so , it had been around several years - 12 of them . While I am on to this story I 'll tell you of part of the visit on the trip . Uncle Ed raised Belgium Hares , or rabbits as we called them . He had one he called his old buck or the male that was quite a digger , kind of like a dog . He would dig under the fence around the pen . They also had a few chickens in the same pen . So , Uncle Ed dug down and buried some fencing wire and in the meantime the old buck had dug a hole out of the chicken yard and finally on out of the pen behind the building . He got out and in and it was some time before Uncle Ed found the hole out in an alfalfa patch or clover , I 'm not sure . He was telling us this and we were helping look for the hole and found a nest of little guinea pigs . That was quite a discovery , so cute , and we thought we sure needed one of them , at least . They were so spotted and cute , but were told to put them back where we found them . I 'm not sure but might have been my last of them . I know it was fun having one in hand . So much for the rabbits and guinea pig . Uncle Ed and Daddy and not sure who else went fishing . They had quite a mess of fish and cleaned them out in the chicken yard . St . Joe Trips A Big Deal Well , that was the first trip I remember being at Aunt Clara 's and another big thing too , going into St . Joe . At that time there was a viaduct over the railroad tracks and as the big steam engines came under the viaduct smoke would roll up . I remember Daddy hurrying the horses so we could go over it in the smoke . Mama wasn 't as pleased as we kids were . ( This was 1914 ) When we lived on Long 's farm in 1917 , we children were going for the second time to the Sampson school near DeKalb , Mo . There were no electric lights . We lived a little over a mile of school through the pastures , fields and they said it was near five miles by road . One of the rock quarries was there . There was what some called hardware screen on windows to prevent breaking glass on them . There was little blasting of rock during school hours but do remember a few times . We all were warned to stay off ground there . Our school was heated with what they called a furnace but it was a one room furnace stove , coal fuel used . We had a coal shed nearby and the coal was carried in . The big stove had a Jacket around it to keep one from getting badly burned . The stove set in the north end of the school house and the piping from the stove was quite large and ran pretty close across the building to the chimney and I presume that helped to heat overhead air . One day it was too bad outside to play and some rough playing going on inside . One of the larger boys got hold of sister May 's cap and using it for a ball tossing it around over heads and her chasing after it which seemed quite exciting to all and it wound up on top of that big pipe across overhead and got badly burned before the guy could get the broom to get it down . So , that seemed to end that play . Another school episode while there happened on the way home . One of the boys that played janitor help for the teacher lived down past our home . He went earlier than we to help get the heat going for school but seemed to manage to go with us home . Along our route was a stock pond nearby and when it got frozen hard they used it for skating . Several had skates and one of the boys there , a little older than we girls , lived near us . He was unusually good in many athletic things . He was the younger of a family of 5 children so had a lot of training , I guess . He was real good pole vaulting and carried his vaulting pole . His mother , Mrs . Carlton , said much of the time he had her clotOf course he had many admirers . His older sisters were real nice and the two older ones worked away from home in Atchison , Kansas at the telephone office there . The older brother was married and had one little one . Sleigh Riding Hazard It was wintertime and since the Carlton family lived across the road and pasture from us we were often together . One winter we older ones , May and I and not sure whether Birdie was with us , but we had a wooden sled that Daddy had made us . It was heavy but it really was a dandy sled and Raymond was a good hand handling it too . But one evening during a Christmas vacation time we girls took the sled and went over as they had a much better place to use it . But that particular evening , girls at home , Raymond had a piece of metal roofing he was using for a sled and made out of the ingate to wagon he used to guide it with . So , we were giving it a try , all could get on it and ride . At the foot of the hill was a ditch and Raymond said " when I say roll , all roll off . " I was riding the tale - end . All was fun until he called all roll and I the last to roll and hit the ditch . That was the end of my sleigh riding that night . I saw no moon that night but when my head hit the ground I saw stars . It was my first and last of seeing stars on a cloudy night and for some time after . Bad Biscuits Mrs . Carlton would go occasionally over to Atchison and visit her girls . She was over there one time and Mr . Carlton and Raymond came over to see us one evening and Mr . Carlton told us about Raymond making biscuits . We thought it funny but of course it wasn 't very funny for Raymond . Mr . Carlton had a bad cold . He called it the flu and Raymond was doing the cooking and he wanted to make biscuits and asked his Dad how much shortening to use and he told him 1 / 2 cup . Raymond never realized what shortening was , thinking it salt , so he missed the recipe bad . I am sure he remembered it after that . PaPa Sick Birdie stayed with Grandma DeWeese quite often . That summer she was with her and Uncle Lonnie came and helped May and I to work over a big sweet potato patch . During that time there was a total eclipse of the sun during the afternoon . Uncle Lonnie was telling about how to look at it using a piece of blue colored glass . In the area of the sweet potato patch there was near a barn lot and surrounding you could often see a piece of blue glass . We left such things as this to Uncle Lonnie to take care of . He had picked up a piece , nice size , and put it in his pocket to have handy . That afternoon we were out working and occasionally Uncle Lonnie would have us to take a look with his piece of blue glass . I remember going to the house for something and the chickens gathering up around the hen house and that fun for me and on the way back to the potato patch I found me a blue piece of glass , too , so I could look at the sight quite frequently . It never got real dark but yet no shadows . To look at the sun it looked like a copper penny , all shined up and edge right and it began to get brighter . So , that was quite an experience . I think that was about 1917 . Telling about this experience calls to mind another atmosphere phenomenon . I was some younger and we children , with mother , visiting Uncle Will and Aunt Minnie in Kidder , MO . And they were making ice cream at night time and the northern lights got so bright that evening that we kids got scared . No moon light , just those northern lights like a big fan up into the sky made it light around in the yard for quite a while . It has been a long time since I remember seeing them at all and why ? After that summer in sweet potato business Daddy made a big box for our sweet potatoes that winter . It was lined good with newspapers and estimated to hold several bushel of potatoes . It was in the living room so was plenty dry and warm . We children used it to work school lessons on for several years . We had sweet potatoes from digging time until digging time . Making Apple Butter Fall was a time of making apple butter . One year we made several gallons . We always had several gallons and mother canned it . But that year Aunt Clara wanted some and we always made enough to share with Grandmother and Uncle Lonnie . Daddy made a special dasher to stir it , also the pan it was cooked in . It was large enough he said they could make 12 or 15 gallons . They always had to have Ben Davis apples for apple butter . So it was quite a job . Papa made the dasher about 2 feet wide with 6 or 7 prongs to stick up on the base of it . They were around 6 inches long and the handle around 8 feet or more . It was an all - day affair . We would have apples all pared to start the next morning . Papa had a good hot fire to get things going and of course it takes quite a lot of water too . As the cooking began to boil they tried to keep pretty even heat to keep it so . I had to use the dasher for a few minutes at different times . I sure didn 't think it any more fun than peeling and coring the apples . They knew pretty much how many apples to make as much as they would plan , as well as how much water , sugar and spices . After a couple or so years of that , when we moved and pretty much had apples as we chose , don 't remember of such big times of it as at first . Maybe I was larger as well as older and it never seemed to be such a job . I do also remember Papa digging large holes in the ground and putting barrels in them and filling them with apples . One time also turnips and cabbage , and a heavy layer of straw . That was done in late fall and when what we had on hand in cellar got low then we went to work on them . On real cold nights he would often put special wood in the heater to have good hot coals of fire to put in an old bucket with ashes in it to carry to the cellar . I remember working awhile for a Jewish family . They don 't believe in eating pork . Her doctor that looked after her baby told her to fix bacon , cooked crisp , and crumble it . So , she kept bacon well wrapped away from other food in the refrigerator . I was expected to eat in the kitchen by myself . Futrue Husband Builds Store On Church Site We lived around one half mile from church . That is the Methodist when we lived at Rushville . The church set back off the street , with several steps into the church . At the time the church was organized , there was a main hitch rack or place for teams of horses and wagons . As years came and gone and streets laid out for the town , one was downhill in front of the church and it was bad to get up to the church house for another landing of steps came up from the street . So it was getting well forsaken and few attended . It was sold in the early ' 30 's . The place and church was sold . Church records I understood went to a M . E . church in South St . Joe . W . A . Baker bought it . The building was torn down . The bell and many of the seats went to a church at Plattsburg . Much of the building material from it was used by Mr . Baker in building a store building and about this time the main highway was moved from the town of Rushville about one - half mile away so much of the transit was taken away from town . It was only about five miles into Atchison , Kansas . The building had living quarters in back . The place was sold . New Highway Brings Changes To Rushville Great changes were made after change of the highway . Also water was brought into town and cars became more plentiful . Much more business left the town for city shopping . Have found also the place where we lived when we moved to Rushville was gone . Perhaps more detail on this later . |
Inside , the lightning of puke and heat and real bad whiskey . The kind that comes sweating out of you the next morning and smells like dead folks . Everclear on the juke and mad dog twenty twenty cooking in the blood . He was on the third stool from the right , staring into his glass like he was watching a television show . I dropped in next to him . He had that long distance look you get when the booze has chopped all your strings away . I motioned to the barman . He brought two drinks , sat them down , took my money and walked away without looking at either of us . Two hundred semi - drunk people jammed shoulder to sweaty shoulder and nobody 's seeing a thing . That kind of place . " He don 't have anybody , " I said . " This is about the team , kid . Let 's go on over to your truck . Easier to talk that way . " " Why don 't we take a little drive into the Christos while we 're talkin ' ? Might be nice up there . Maybe we 'll get above the storm . Watch the lightnin ' hit the desert . " " You don 't have to do this , Skipper , " he said , kind of sad - like . " It won 't make no difference , money - wise . I got the lifetime no - cut , no - trade contract , remember ? " " Yeah , that 's true , kid . That agent of yours . " I shook my head a little . " Pure pit bull , hell - on - wheels , he was . Said you were the second coming and the end of the world rolled into one . Said you threw hellfire and damnation . Got you that contract . Saddled the team forever with a rag - arm pitcher my three year - old grandbaby could hit outta the park . That money could buy us three brand new rookie arms and a third base and a couple of big bats . It 's gutting us . But with you , ah , gone , we could win . Maybe even get the division . Maybe even the Series - " " Not what I meant , Skip , " he said . " You 're the manager , you know that even if you . . . do this , Peggy will get the money . It 's right there in the contract . My only living relative . She gets it . All of it . " We rolled to a stop at the edge . Below us , the lightning spread across the clouds in billowing streaks of white light . The stars were out , bright and hard . " You weren 't listening to me , Coach . " His fingers were white - knuckled on the steering wheel . " The team still won 't get that cash . You won 't . Peggy will get - " " She 's gone , son . " I sighed . " Opened the door smiling . Probably thought I 'd found you . I got her a good one on the jaw and she went down and out . Never felt a thing . I used that bolo tie you like to wear . The one with the thousand dollar gold nugget for a slide . I left it on her throat . They 'll find her and think you done it . " Once - when the world was just a little younger and more dewy - eyed - there was a boy . He was twelve years - old and lived in a white house , with blue railings and roof , in a sun - flooded neighborhood of pastel - painted houses and cinnamon - colored sunsets . His summer blonde hair hung down , in shaggy bangs , over blue eyes that seemed to hold every dream of every boy who ever lived . The scatter - smatter dusting of freckles across the bridge of his snubbed nose added random exclamation points to the blue of his eyes . All in all , he was the perfect boy . He had not always known these things . He had not known them when he was younger . He had not known when he used to chase butterflies with his sister ( herself a bright , poly - hued , soaring butterfly of a girl ) across their oh - so - green front yard . Nor had he known when he went to bed at night , to dream of elves and knights and magic circles in the wild wood . Until , one night , he dreamed a very strange thing . He dreamed he woke with a startle to something that felt like a bite from a crystal bee with a diamond stinger on his shoulder . He suddenly felt another sharp pain , a much larger pain - in a different place . He looked wildly around his room . His father was there , but his father looked different . His father 's eyes were not their usual blue . They were green , an emerald , glittering green with yellow starbursts in their depths . The pain made it difficult for him to see things exactly , but he thought that his father 's ears had grown longer , more pointed . His father 's hair had become glossy black and seemed to cover much more of him than the boy remembered . Then , the pain grew so large that it pulled him down into darkness . As he had left the house to meet the school bus the next morning , something caught his eye - a gleaming , shiny spot on the porch railing . He crossed the porch to inspect it . It was a white shadow under the surface of the glossy blue paint - a vague , thin shape , slightly curved . It looks like a bone , he thought . That night or the next night , he did not dream . But , on the third night , he felt the bite of the crystal bee again . This time he saw more clearly the green eyes and pointed ears and shaggy hair - the white , sharp teeth . A picture he had seen somewhere sprang into his mind . A wolf , green - eyed and glossy black . His father was a wolf . Pain blossomed through him again ; too sharp to be a dream . Mr . Malley , glowing in his yellow raincoat with red stripes , listened to the boy 's frantic babble , patiently . " Well now , lad . So your father is a wolf , is he ? In your dreams ? I think it 's too much candy after dinner we 're talkin ' about here . " He chuckled and offered the boy a mint . " And your daddy a doctor and all ; he should be knowin ' better than anyone about that . There 's your bus , " he said , pointing across the street . The bus was too crowded with children laughing and shrieking for the boy to ask the driver for help . His teacher listened to him after school , but offered much the same opinion as Mr . Malley had . He knew that his mother would not understand , either . She loved the wolf , whom she thought a man . No help from the grown - up world , he realized . He was on his own . That afternoon , he noticed shadows under the bright white paint of the house - long , slender shadows , knobby at the ends . He knew what they were . Bones - carefully concealed by the wolf , unseeable - unless you knew they were there . The boy 's world shrank . He no longer flew kites , played marbles or any of the other things he had done before . He spent every afternoon in the library , reading about wolves . He read about real wolves , mythical wolves and fairytale wolves . He read every book he could find on them . He learned wolves are clever and good at concealing themselves ; and that the ones with green eyes and black fur and white , sharp teeth are the cleverest of all . He read of the many methods adults and children had used to outwit or kill other wolves . But there were no stories of defeated emerald - eyed wolves . Emerald - eyed wolves always won and usually those stories ended , " So , the wolf ate them all up ! " The afternoons passed in wolf study . At night , the dreams - and the pain - continued . The boy , though despairing , remained resolute - somehow , he would find a way to stop the green - eyed beast in the house of bones . In his desolation , there was only one bright place . After the library , he would return home and his butterfly sister would greet him . Her laughter and squeals of delight , as they chased birds , made faces out of the clouds and played hide and seek , made him almost forget - almost not see the shadows of the bones under the paint of the house . Then , one night , the dreams stopped . A week passed , then a month and then a year with no dreams ( though he still felt the bite of the crystal bee almost every night ) . The boy wondered why and began to look for the reason . He pretended to sleep deeply . Sometimes when he did that , the crystal bee did not bite him . When the bee did not sink its diamond stinger into his flesh , he saw clearly . He prowled the house , listening , watching - and sensing the bones beneath the surface of the walls . Late one night , he heard it - the reason the dreams had stopped . He raced to the door of his mother 's room , pounding on it , hurting his hand . She appeared in her doorway , swaying . Her eyes were funny looking . On her shoulder he saw a mark he recognized , the mark of a fresh bee bite . He shook her frantically , yelling into her ear . He saw understanding creep into her dulled eyes . His mother ran from him , to the door of the butterfly 's room . Throwing it open , she stood in the entrance . Saved , the boy thought , saved . " You ! " she screamed . " You promised ! Never again , you said . No more girls . I ' M the only one . You promised me . I ' M the one . You need ME ! Because you love ME ! Is that why you made me have this little whore ? So she could be your next ? You bastard ! There was a snarl and a sound like a softball makes when it slams into a catcher 's mitt , a loud , hard , smacking of leather into leather . His mother fell to the floor , crying in a voice like the dusty rustle of leaves blowing in a bleak wind on an icy sidewalk . " You . . . promised . " The wolf stood in the doorway , growling . Its eyes , shining with deep - sea phosphorescence , found the boy . It turned to a corner of the hall and opened a black satchel standing there . It came towards the boy with something glittering in its hand . It growled a warning and the boy stood still , feeling the bee bite his thigh . The familiar darkness took him . But , before it swept him down , he felt a fierce joy . In its red rage , the beast had made a mistake . A single word sprang into his mind . A word that all wolves fear - even the emerald - eyed ones . His grin as the darkness took him down was a feral one . The next morning , he opened his bedroom door to find that the wolf had dropped all pretenses . The house glowed white , bare of illusion . The floor was made of overlapping bones as were the hallways and the railings . The stairs glowed with the soft ivory and white of bones . Wrist bones , small and delicate , supported tabletops made of rib bones , curving with a polished grace . The walls were thighbones , hard and strong , reaching for the ceiling , which was made of shoulder blades . The stairs were footbones and knucklebones , inlayed with backbones rising for banisters . Everywhere the hard gleaming white of skeletal purity reflected the morning light . His breath steamed in the chill . Downstairs , at the table , the wolf sat - its eyes following the boy as he descended the bleached gleam of the stairway . When , stepping slowly and cautiously , he had reached the table , the Wolf growled softly . Its luminous eyes swept over the leaf - tumble figure of his mother in the corner of the room . Turning its muzzle , the wolf moved its emerald stare lingeringly over the gray moth that the butterfly had become . The beast growled again , low . The boy knew the meaning of that growl : " Tell and I will kill . " The boy missed his school bus on purpose . He watched from where he hid in the thick branches of the hedge as it disappeared around the corner . His hand made a small waving motion that might have meant goodbye . His father , leaving for work , in a light gray suit and tie , never saw him . His mother , when she rustled by on her way to the store with his sister - held hard by the hand - did not see him either . As their station wagon passed his hiding place he looked through the car window at the gray moth . Soon , he thought , you 'll be a butterfly again . When the automobile vanished , he hurried into the house . Straight up the stairs - the knucklebones making a cracking sound under his rushing feet - to the satchel in the corner . He fumbled open the clasp and reached inside . There ! He felt the brittle crystal hardness of the bees . Carefully , he removed four of them from their nest in the worn leather satchel . He raced back down the stairs , the chill of the house seeping into his body , and opened the refrigerator . There ! Slabs of meat glistened in their wrapper . The wolf 's was , naturally , the biggest . ( Blood rare , the wolf always said , blood rare . ) Quickly and carefully , he opened the wrapper and inserted the shining stingers of the bees into the redness of the meat . His thumb thrust the plungers down one by one and the fluid within the body of the bees flowed into the supper of the wolf . Another trip upstairs and the empty bees were replaced in the satchel . Nodding with satisfaction , he left the house and used the side door to enter the garage . In the cool darkness , he found what he sought - a rounded dome , bright red and pungent . When he picked it up , it made a soft sloshing sound . He carried it to the yard and hid its oily metal symmetry behind one of the rosebushes near the front door . The large red and pink flowers , heavily sweet , masked the sharp odor of the can nicely . Now , he thought , waiting is all I have to do . At dinner that evening , the wolf tore at the dripping meat , snarling softly , mopping the juices with a thick slice of bread . The boy watched closely . Only when the last of the glistening red moisture had crossed the wolf 's lips did he relax . Later , he lay in his bed , ears reaching out in the silence for sound . Wolfsteps approached his door and the knob turned . He held his breath , terror stricken - the plan had not worked . The door opened and phosphorus eyes met his . Fear frozen , he watched as the wolf approached him , its teeth gleaming whitely . It growled , bloodlust in its eyes , then fell with a great thump to the floor , its mouth open and teeth shining , green eyes closed . The boy ran down the footbone stairway and into the yard , returning with the sharp - smelling can . He splashed the liquid within it over the floor and the walls and the thighbones and the wristbones and the ribcages and the knucklebones . Down the hallways of glowing ivory , he splashed , and over the backbone doorways , until the can dropped empty from his hands . He ran to the butterfly 's room , sweeping her from her bed . He raced to his mother 's room and roused her from her bee - bite sleep . Down the knobbiness of the stairway and out the cold curving doorway to the lawn , they ran . He turned and tossed a kitchen match inside the house . She screamed again , raced toward the house and disappeared into the brightness within the doorway . He heard , or he thought he heard , her scream again as the flames took her . He thought she cried , " Only ME ! " The house erupted into an ocean of orange as the bones took fire and exploded . Tecate Divide gets cold in December . The Mexican side of the border at night is all sage and rocks and the mountain wind cuts like surgical steel . I turn the heel of my left boot on a tie and damn near go butt over breakfast . A red hot railroad spike of pain punches a hole through my guts . I grab air , catch my balance and put one foot in front of the other . The gleam of steel rails and roadbed stretches in front of me like a thousand miles of midnight . Fuckin ' Mexico , I think . It had to be fuckin ' Mexico . His fat face cuts into the wrinkles he calls smiling . I think it just makes him look old - which he is , but when boss - man calls , you move . Or you get dead . " Can 't prove it by me , " he says . " You look more Mex than Mick to me . " He leans in close and I can smell the garlic grease in his armpits . " Got a job for you . You remember Mojo ? Little guy with a burn face scar ? " " 's why I picked you for the job , Gomez . He 's in Tecate . You know Tecate , south of San Diego ? Heard he 's tending bar in a joint down there . The Tecate Club on the square . You know it ? " I parked my old Ford in a dark shadow side street a block south of the border fence and walked the two blocks to the old wood door of the Tecate Club . The smells from the square hit me like a ton of shit . Took me back . I 'm not being entirely straight with people when I say I 'm Irish . My father was Irish , but my mother was Mexican . He was a sailor . She was a whore . Mom never saw her sailor man after their one - nighter . But , being a proper Catholic whore , she couldn 't get rid of the baby - me - because she figured God would have no problem with whores , Mary Magdalene and all that stuff , but she damn well knew he 'd burn her ass in Hell forever if she aborted a baby . So , she raised me as best she could . Took me to street fairs on the square , parades on Cinco de Mayo and all that other stuff they do down south . She even took me to a couple of bullfights . For years after that I dreamed of being a bull fighter . Well , for a couple of years I dreamed of that . And then one day , when I was thirteen , I came home and found my mother beaten to death . She was cut up so bad I had to wash the blood from her face to make sure it was her . The neighbors told me in whispers that it was her pimp that killed her . So I found him at the Tecate Club and , with a single stroke of a machete , took his head off at the shoulders and lit out for the border . I got lucky and made it to Long Beach and then San Pedro . I hooked up with a couple of crews . Made some dough and honed my natural talent . I slipped the door open and looked inside . A few men drinking alone and some couples in the high backed , hundred - year - old dark oak booths doing nice things to each other in the shadows . Mojo was on a tall stool at the far corner of the bar staring at the counter top . He never saw me until I slid onto the stool next to him . I leaned in close , staring into his eyes . I smiled a little and brought the steel up and in . He didn 't try to yell . Wouldn 't have done him any good anyhow , since I 'd made sure to cut his diaphragm . Watching , I saw the panic fill his eyes and he wobbled a little . Like always I kept my eyes locked with his . Saw a little hope glimmer in them but when the tip of the steel touched the bottom of his heart , that glimmer left and was replaced , like always , by a flood of light that burned brighter when the rest of the blade followed . It never failed , that light . I 'd seen it in all twenty - two pairs of eyes I 'd looked into over the years . I 'd always wondered what they saw , those guys , when the blade did its job , what they were looking at , what they heard . I put the knife away , pushed slow away from the bar , walked across the room and out the door . The commotion and crowd spilling out onto the street yelling and pointing didn 't happen until I was in the Ford and headed for the border . Smooth , I thought , real smooth . I thought that - until I saw what I 'd forgotten : A barred gate and a sign that read BORDER CLOSED FROM 8 : 00 PM UNTIL 8 : 00 AM . I spun the wheel hard and jumped the center divide , figuring I could bust the entry gate going the wrong way . I didn 't see the car parked there until I was almost on it . Just a flash of green and white . I had time to stab the brake and crank the wheel hard left , so I only hit the fucker a glancing blow that spun him around and stalled the engine in the Ford . " Shit , " I yelled , " horse - fucking - shit ! " I twisted the key , yanked the shifter fast into reverse and smoked the tires backing up . " Fuck you ! " I screamed at him , scrabbled my . 45 out of the shoulder holster and punched two fat rounds into his face . He stood , swaying a moment then fell . The round slammed me back into the front seat of the car . Which fit right in with my plan . I slapped the shifter , spun the wheel and got the fuck out of there : the hole in my guts soaking my pants with blood , screaming the Ford , speedo pegged at one - hundred - thirty - five fucking MPH , up the wide - open , pitch - black , asshole of Mexican Highway Number 2 . I ditched the car at the 80 kilometer sign and cut cross country until I hit the old railroad tracks . I figured I could follow the rails until I was close enough to the two - wire border fence and the small mountain town of Potrero . Not much of a town but there was a pay phone that I could use to call for a ride . Home free , I thought . Piece of cake . Went down smooth . Somewhere along the way , it started snowing . I don 't remember when . I 'm too concerned with the right foot , left foot , right foot slogging that 's moving me along . The blood soaking through my pants and down my legs felt warm at first , but now it 's ice . I got both hands holding my belly now , but it doesn 't seem to help stop the steady drip , drip , drip of blood . Right foot , left , right , left . Oddly , I 'm not cold anymore . It 's quiet up here . Just the wind . And me . And something up ahead . Light . Bright light and a kind of murmuring noise . For a moment I think maybe it 's a train . I mean , I 'm on the tracks , right ? But the trains on the Mexican side haven 't run for years . I keep walking . Right , left , right . . . I 'm closer to that light now . And the noise . I figure out the noise first . Voices , a lot of voices . A big swelling sound , ¡ Ole ! ¡ Ole ! ¡ Ole ! they 're saying . And the light is the sun . Bright golden sun streaming down on the yellow sand of the bull ring and the crowds . It 's brighter now and louder . ¡ Ole ! ¡ Ole ! ¡ Ole ! Mexico . As many of you know , we all lost a great friend and outstanding writer recently when Bill " AJ " Hayes passed away unexpectedly . Bill was a true friend in every sense of the word , being supportive of fellow writers ( especially this one ) , willing to talk shop and give advice whenever it was needed . Bill extended himself beyond just the writing , being a voice of reason and a stabilizing force in various people 's lives . Though I never met him in the flesh , I felt like we were pretty good friends , closer than most , not as close as I would have liked . His third novel , One Lost Summer , has been out for a little less than a month now and is getting rave reviews . Duh . Because it 's Richard Godwin , whose noir has solid bite . And this is just the tip of the iceberg , folks . If you 're not reading One Lost Summer , you 're really missing out . Go and get several copies . Give them to friends and enemies alike . The sounds of the new day silenced , as if she had been sealed in a coffin . No birds , no traffic , nothing . Just silence . Then the pounding of her heart and her quickening breath invaded her ears from the inside . She sat up , and he trickled out of her , wetting the sheets . Images from the previous night flooded her mind . Pleasure . Passion . . . and fear . She could feel his hands grasping her hair , holding her face close as he said , " If anyone finds out about this , it 's over . " She had known him forever , it seemed , but in reality it had been less than a year . Theirs has been one of those connections , indescribable . Close . Fast friends . When it turned more , she fell hard . He had told her how he married after the army . But even with a wife and a three - year - old son , his need for her remained , and hers for him . Although she had tried to keep things platonic , she had been unable to resist when he had pushed toward seduction . Life had damaged him , but then it hadn 't left her unscathed either . The scars on her arms and legs , self - inflicted , spoke to that . But she nor anyone but another soldier could grasp the depth of his internal injuries . As former sniper who had served in Iraq , he struggled with normal life . She could see the pain behind his eyes because it mirrored her own . Although she hadn 't known him before , she sensed the war had changed him . Still , they understood each other 's insanities . Both broken . Both scrambling to survive in a world they didn 't understand , and more importantly , one that didn 't understand them . That 's how he knew she had told . She must have slept through the first alert , dreaming . Content in her satisfaction . His senses , honed from his experience overseas , enabled him to hear the quiet vibration in the night . She collapsed to the floor , holding herself in a fetal position . The fear that consumed her wouldn 't even allow tears to come . Gasping for breath , she tried to grasp this new reality . He was gone . It was over . Surely he couldn 't throw their love away so easily . But the fear of hurting his family mixed with the unstable nature of PTSD made him unpredictable . She had seen it , his personality change from charming and witty one moment to dark and brooding and harsh the next . She had often wondered if he was reliving something from the war , remembering things that he quickly pushed back down deep inside the darkness of his mind . Despite horrors of war , tragedy and loss and savagery beyond comprehension , his greatest fear now was losing his family . He would stop at nothing to protect his place with them . He would never talk of them . She had asked repeatedly to see a picture of his wife , hoping that seeing her as a person , instead of just a intangible concept , would help her resist him . She would not do anything to hurt him or his family , but he always made an excuse . Perhaps his fear of losing them , of being discovered , had turned dangerous and triggered something primal inside him . Forcing herself to her feet , her instinct took over . Naked and alone , she ran to the front door and turned the two deadbolts , locked the doorknob , and shoved a chair beneath the handle . She stepped back , pulling her hands to her mouth , and trembled . Listening . But the silence remained . The whole world quiet , save for the pounding of her heart and her ever - quickening breath . Her mind drifted back to a few weeks ago . She could still see him watching her with admiration . No , adoration . The heat in his eyes had startled her . No one had looked at her like that in quite some time , and she had thought she imagined it . An artist , like her , they had gone to an opening together . An excuse to see each other , of course , in a professional setting without suspicion , although there had been nothing to suspect at the time . They had just been colleagues , friends , supporting each other in a tough business . Keeping each other 's spirits up so that they could continue to create . But his wife was the jealous type . Older than he , on her third marriage , a scientist with little interest in the visual arts . That night everything had changed . She had felt him watching her , and she didn 't quite know what to think . They had embraced , as always , but this time he kissed her . Just on the cheek . Rather innocent , really ; but she had felt something new in that moment . For her , anyway . The look on his face as they parted made it clear that he had been taken with her for some time , and that night he had made his move , subtle as it was . A door slammed in the hall , making her jump then realize she stood alone , naked and scared . Lost in her memories . Had she been more aware , could she have seen the danger that lay just beneath his surface ? Leaving the chair propped under the door , she returned to the bedroom and began gathering her clothes strewn about the room . She picked up the purple panties and the matching bra , bought especially for him , his favorite color , and slid them on , remembering how he had coaxed them off last night . The soft fabric of her favorite sweatshirt dried her cheeks as she pulled it over her head , its folds warming her body and comforting her . She stepped into her PJ bottoms and slid her feet into her fuzzy slippers . The phone on the nightstand buzzed again , causing the adrenaline to rush to her brain . She picked up the phone to turn it off , but dropped it . Its face cracked as it hit the side of the nightstand before crashing to the floor . Frantic , she looked around then ran toward the window . After she jerked the curtains closed , she pressed herself against the wall next to it . Her pounding heart filled her ears , and she could see it moving the material of her thick sweatshirt . Her breath came faster and more shallow . She slid down the wall and hugged her knees , trying to consciously slow her breath . Breath in , one - two - three - four , and out , one - two - three - four . In , one - two - three - four , and out , one - two - three - four . She crawled along the floor , fighting to breathe , toward the bathroom . Grasping the edge of the sink , she pulled herself up and reached for her bottle of Xanax . After gulping one of the tiny pills down with a handful of water , she took comfort in the fact that the attack would soon pass . Her face in the mirror seemed old , tired . She turned the shower knob to hot , knowing the hot water would calm her until the pills kicked in . It always did , but as the room steamed up she saw it again . I warned you written on the glass shower door . Screaming , she wiped the words off then dashed around the apartment , jerking the curtains closed over the windows and ensuring all the lights were off . Although , that didn 't matter in the daylight . Her thoughts bounced around in her head , obsessive and frantic . She rushed into the kitchen , opened the silverware drawer , and pulled out the biggest knife . Then she resumed her position on the floor , in a corner , with her knees pulled close . She kept her wide eyes trained on the front door and waited . It 's not enough , her brain screamed at her . You haven 't done enough . Pile boxes in front of the windows ! Call the police , for Christ 's sake ! Clutching the knife in one hand and forcing herself to take deep , controlled breaths , she crawled back into the bedroom to her shattered phone . She pushed the home button and saw the familiar picture pop up . Thank God ! It still worked ! She slid the arrow to unlock it and pressed the green phone button . Dr . Ray 's name filled the top three slots of her recent call list . " Deep breaths . Deep breaths . " She rocked back and forth , covering her head with her arms . The knife rested against her back . God ! The Xanax should kick in soon . I 'll be fine . I 'll be just fine . In , one - two - three - four , and out , one - two - three - four . In , one - two - three - four , and out one - two - three - four . She laughed at herself as she made her coffee , and soon percolating sounds and delicious , fresh aroma of brewed java filled the room . Her eyelids drooped a little as she poured her first cup . The Xanax kicked into full gear . She felt relaxed and rather tired . It had been a long , exciting night after all . Was it really over ? She couldn 't fathom never seeing him again , watching him smile , making her laugh , kissing those soft lips . But the comfortable chemical - induced calm allowed her momentary peace . " Don 't jump to any conclusions , Marla . " Talking to herself often soothed her , allowing the thoughts to come out rather than bounce around in her brain driving her crazier . " I 'm sure everything is fine . Just be glad he didn 't see that level of crazy . Don 't panic . Not yet . No need to panic yet . " She sipped her coffee again and moved over to the large , living room window . At first , she just parted the curtains a sliver , peeking through them into the morning . It had snowed during the night , and a beautiful white blanket covered everything . It was Sunday , so many cars were still on the streets as all their owners slept in . Only a few tire treads marred the otherwise pristine white . It was a perfect morning . After sliding the curtains all the way open to let in the sunshine , she settled down on the sofa , pulled her lap blanket over her legs , and gazed out the window . Across the street some children were up playing in the snow . They had already formed the bottom of a snowman and were working together to roll the middle . A blue bird settled on a tree limb just outside . He held a worm in his beak . A car turned the corner and slid a little , but regained control before hitting the curb . On the top of the adjacent building , a glint caught her eye , like sun reflecting off glass . He waddled . That was the only way she could think to describe Roger 's movements through the world . Like a giant , well - fattened penguin . He 'd been like that ever since he 'd pulled his back out at the Ford dealership , tossing tires around the parts warehouse . Two workman 's comp surgeries later , he seemed more messed up than he had the day they 'd sent him to the first quack . Now he 'd put on another fifty - odd pounds , quit working at all - even quit lifting the axe to chop firewood for winter . First year , he 's spent some of his unemployment money on hiring the neighbor 's boy . This year , he didn 't have that or a job , so she 'd done it . He looked like he wanted to hit her . He 'd slapped a few times in the past few years , especially since he 'd stopped working . Instead , he waddled back inside . The baby turned three in a week . All she 'd ever wanted and the only thing she 'd needed him for . When he 'd been born , they 'd lived in a nice apartment in town . Small , but one with heat . And a working stove . She 'd found out five hours after the Csection that Roger 's insurance only covered fifteen percent of the surgery . " It covered it all if you 'd been able to do it on your own . " The nurse clucked her tongue . Same one who 'd suggested she was too old to be a decent mother anyway , tried to scare her with birth defect stories while she was still heaving away in labor . That was how they 'd ended up in the trailer just outside of town . The one with the wood stove in the yard and the drafts where the floor boards had rotted out . He 'd never hurt her while she was pregnant . Hadn 't much more than called her names , jerked her around some before . He 'd been big and strong , but he hadn 't used it against her too much . Not like her exhusband , the one who 'd never been able to give her a baby , even after fifteen years of trying . She stayed for little Jack . Boys needed a father . And , after years of looking , she 'd found one . Maybe not the best in the world , but probably the best she 'd find in the county . And she 'd run out of time . " We ain 't a welfare family . " He slammed the fridge door shut . " We buy what we can afford . Like real Americans . Not them socialist scum . " " Least the beer 's American . You don 't even know where this shit come from . Prob ' ly Mexico or somewhere . You want fancy people food , you better get a fancy people job . " He left the OJ on the counter and stormed off , probably to sit around Jimmy Ray 's bar watching the TV until dark . Marge finished her cereal and put the juice away . She had a job . Worked nights at the gas station at the edge of town . It came with a uniform so no one wondered why none of her clothes didn 't fit right after the baby . It was walking distance away since he 'd gotten the car repossessed . And it was at night when he and the baby were sleeping so neither of them could aggravate or hurt the other one . Old guy had been stacking up paperwork in that home office of his since she was a baby . Bout two doctors not counting the dentist . One handled the old folks and one handled the kids . The insurance agent next to the diner and the pastor were the only others in town who owned a tie . Wasn 't even the kind of place people wore fancy clothes to church . She fantasized about what it would be like , sitting at a desk with a computer and a phone . No shotgun under the counter . No video camera watching her like a common thief . She smiled at Jack . " One day maybe you 'll have a fancy job , huh , my little man ? " The grocery store sat a quarter mile from the gas station and opened an hour after she got off her shift . Small , with fixtures as old as she was , the prices weren 't much better than the gas station , but the selection was better and without a car to get out to the WalMart on the edge of the next town , it was the best she could do . Shopping days always left her exhausted and Roger cranky because he had to feed Jack . Hamburger meat on sale . Dollar off a pound if she bought the stuff so marbled with fat it nearly started a grease fire to cook it . Bacon cheaper than eggs . She picked up a sack of potatoes and a loaf of white bread , the kind that looked like bleached paper , even after she 'd toasted it . Roger 's favorite , of course . Last , but not least , a fridge pack of Miller Lites , that she cradled to her on the walk home , the half dozen plastic bags digging into her wrist and hand . She worried about the healthiness of their food . Worried little Jack would get diabetes , that one of them wouldn 't live long enough to see him graduate high school . She 'd seen all the various reports on the news that played on the small TV behind the counter at work . She 'd heard Dr . Oz in the afternoons when folding laundry . Roger always told her that was a bunch of sissyass bologna . That those people just wanted her money . His daddy had been a meat and potatoes man and his daddy before that . " Don 't talk with your mouth full . " She sipped cold tomato soup from a glass . Cheaper than the vegetable drinks , which were cheaper still than actual produce . " That veggie crap 's gonna kill you . " He waved a floppy piece of bacon at her , the thin line of meat barely noticeable for the thick vein of fat . Grease flew off the end of it and splattered the side of her glass . " You gon ' raise him up to be a pussy with all that healthy eating junk . He gon ' be softer ' n a pillow . A pillow biter . " " Look what you made me do . Can 't even enjoy my breakfast without you breaking shit I worked hard to earn . " He shoveled the rest of his bread in his face and stormed out the door . Snow fell . Drifts piled up around the sides of the trailer . Marge wrestled the frozen door open and stomped outside in her boots to build the morning fire . While it got going , she went inside to lay out the eggs and sausage , put everything on ceramic plates that wouldn 't stick to her gloves and got out the heavy cast iron pan she used on the open flames . She remembered her daddy having cast iron for camping when she was little , but she 'd never known anyone her own age to cook with it . Heard tale of some trendy city types buying it up , but she 'd never met one . Sounded like the same kind of fools who moved into buildings with old pipes and crumbling bricks so they could fix ' em up . It 'd been nearly a month of his new man diet . He 'd put on another seven pounds of beer gut and decided he no longer needed sleeves . Got too hot , he said . Marge figured she 'd only be too lucky if he 'd managed to kill himself in the cold and handed him another beer on her way out to cook . She sat down to mend the hem of her uniform pants and felt the weariness of three days running hard seep into her bones . She couldn 't remember the last time she 'd had more than a couple hours of sleep in any given day or night . If she wasn 't at work and little Jack didn 't need her , she was cooking or cleaning or running errands , hauling groceries the two miles back from town , chopping more firewood , or lugging bales of laundry up to the Laundromat near the Hardees . And speaking of Hardees , she could feel the burger she 'd had for lunch coming back up on her . She 'd wanted the salad . Even with the fried chicken on it , it seemed healthier somehow than the fat slab of beef covered in orange cheese , but the salad had cost four times as much and she 'd just spent her last five getting their clothes clean . In summer , she 'd have just put them back in the garbage back and taken them home wet , saved a few bucks hanging them outside , but spring was still another week away , and that was by the calendar , not necessarily the weather . She took a deep breath and stretched . Sipped her V8 . Whacked at her chest a few times like her daddy had done when he 'd needed to cough up mucus or tried to get down another rack of ribs . Went back to sewing . Roger came back in at five . He 'd been out in the woods . Said he 'd gone hunting , and he 'd taken his gun , but what he 'd really needed to do was get away from her incessant whining about losing weight and eating better . What he 'd really needed to do was get another sixpack in him so he didn 't have to hear that baby up babbling and whining for his momma at night . He leaned his rifle against the side of the trailer and shook his head . Damn kid was already making a fuss . And weren 't they supposed to grow out of that eventually ? Seemed it 'd been too long as it was . Damn mother of his had turned the boy into a pussy . That 's all there was to it . " Hey , ain 't you gon ' be late for work ? " He nudged her foot with his . Damn woman sleeping at the table like she had no place to be . Hadn 't even made him no supper . No wonder the brat was yelling like a fool . Kid 's probably hungry . " Hey ! Bitch ! You lazy good for nothing … " He reached down and grabbed her hand and stopped . The thing was cold , almost stiff . Normally , flinchy and hyper , she didn 't move . He backed away from her . " What the - ? " Then he smiled , realized he didn 't have to listen to her complaining no more . Realized he didn 't have to worry bout her turning his boy into one of them faggots no more . Didn 't have to worry about her wasting beer money on fancy shit . |
Basic aim of this blog is to share good moral stories with moral to all of you . You will find short moral stories with morals here . More than 350 stories are shared in this blog Moral Stories , Inspirational Stories , Motivational Stories , Moral Tales Anthony Robbins tells a story of a Krakow Death Camp escapee . His name was Stanislavsky Lech , and when his home was stormed and the Nazis herded him with his family into Krakow , he watched as they were all murdered . He was put to work . Eventually , he was weak and starving , in addition to his grief , and a thought crossed his mind that he would not survive one more day in Krakow . He changed his question from " How can there be such a terrible place " to " How can we escape from such a place ? " At first the answer was the same , " There is no escape . " He kept asking in slightly different ways , " How can I do it ? " When he returned from work the next evening , the truck was there . He pulled off his clothes when no one was looking and , pretending to be dead , climbed into the pile of dead bodies . He waited while the cold of the corpses pressed against him , and the smell invaded his body . The ride to the open grave wasn 't long , and he was dumped along with the others . He waited until it had been quiet for some time before he dared to look around . He was able to free himself , in part , because he asked a different question . Our intuition , or higher self , will always answer our questions . Just as it is helpful to know what we really want , it is also helpful to know where we could use some help . A man went to do his hair cut . As always , he and the barber chatted about many things . While talking they come to subject of God and the barber said that there is no God . God doesn 't exits ! If God exists , why there is suffering and crime . If god existed , there wouldn 't be much suffering . Man : - Exactly ! So , in answer to your question , God exists , too . It just so happens that people don 't go to Him . If they did , there wouldn 't be so much misery in the world and they would be more giving . The director asked , " Where did your mother work ? " The youth answered , " My mother worked as a clothes cleaner . The director requested the youth to show his hands . The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect . The director asked , " Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before ? " The youth answered , " Never , my mother always wanted me to study and read more books . Furthermore , my mother can wash clothes faster than me . The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high . When he went back , he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands . His mother felt strange , happy but with mixed feelings , she showed her hands to the kid . The youth cleaned his mother 's hands slowly . His tear fell as he did that . It was the first time he noticed that his mother 's hands were so wrinkled , and there were so many bruises in her hands . Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water . The director said , " This is what I am looking for in a manager . I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others , a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done , and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life . You are hired . Later on , this young person worked very hard , and received the respect of his subordinates . Every employee worked diligently and as a team . The company 's performance improved tremendously . A child , who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wants , would develop " entitlement mentality " and would always put himself first . He would be ignorant of his parent 's efforts . When he starts work , he assumes that every person must listen to him , and when he becomes a manager , he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others . For these kind of people , who may be good academically , they may be successful for a while , but eventually would not feel a sense of achievement . They will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more . If we are this kind of protective parents , are we really showing love or are we destroying the kid instead ? * You can let your kid live in a big house , eat a good meal , learn piano , watch a big screen TV . But when you are cutting grass , please let them experience it . After a meal , let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters . It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid , but it is because you want to love them in a right way . You want them to understand , no matter how rich their parents are , one day their hair will grow gray , same as the mother of that young person . The most important thing is your kid learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done . His first response was awesomely shocking . " Am I there or here ? When he regained his composure after a while , his next thought was to actually find out what people said of him , what people thought of him " He was the merchant of death . This man was the inventor of the dynamite . One most cruel invention that could kill people while it was being made , and even many more when it was used . A substance of mass killing , and a deadly weapon in the hands of those who wishes to create terror and rule the scene … . The story continued with several curses added to it . He decided then and there that he would change the situation made a firm resolve to clear the stigma that was being associated with his name . From that day on he started working towards peace , and sure enough he left an indelible mark on this planet . He is remembered even this day as Alfred Noble . He gave his entire earnings to establish a foundation that would work for peace in the world , and today too it awards prizes for achievers all over the world for their unique contributions to the welfare of mankind . He lives on even today through this mission and the Noble prizes are awarded in his honour . This story is about a farmer and his mule . The effectiveness of the story lies in the way it focuses upon adversity and how attitude determines the course of seemingly lost cause . There was this farmer in a tiny village . He owned an old mule that used to carry grains and other farming related stuff for the farmer . During one of those days , the mule fell into a well . The well ran deep and despite trying hard many a times , mule couldn 't get himself out the well . He started to lose hope . His consistent shrieks drew attention of the farmer who came rushing to the well . Farmer looked around and tried to come up with a rescue plan but eventually , he also lost the hope . He decided that the old mule was not worth the trouble of saving . So , he called his neighbours and asked for their help in hauling dirt to bury the old mule . The mule got hysterical . Soon enough , the farmer and the neighbours started to shovel and fill well with the dirt . When the first bout of dirt hit mule 's back , suddenly his fast losing spirit came up with an idea . He thought every time a shovel load of dirt will land on his back , he will just shake it off and step up a bit higher . The idea filled him with a new lease of life and hope . Old mule kept doing the same blow after blow . He would just shake the dirt off and step up a notch higher . He kept reminding himself of possibility of a brand new life . He controlled his nerves and kept stepping up . After some time , the exhausted mule managed to step over the wall of that well . He was completely tired and fatigued yet his spirit triumphed . The dirt that was meant to bury him actually helped him in remaining alive . The story is a clear example of how our attitude towards seemingly impossible adversities determines the final outcome . Life is like this only . If we respond positively to the stream of problems faced by us and refuse to surrender , we are likely to emerge victorious . He said , " I have a problem . I don 't sleep well at night because I live in an area where there are plenty of street dogs . Every night they start barking , and keep barking till sunrise . I am already a very light sleeper , and I simply can 't get any rest because of this noise . " He was told , " Go home and try this tonight . When you hear the barking , just drop the anger , the negative feelings that rise up in you . Just listen to the barking sound without resisting . Tell yourself that the dogs are barking ; that 's all . Don 't allow yourself to react . The problem is not the barking , but your resistance to it . " The man went back tried what was said . After a few days he came back and reported , " I tried dropping my resistance as you said . Instead of thinking , ' How dare those stupid dogs spoil my sleep ? ' I tried changing my thoughts gradually : ' The dogs are barking . It is spoiling my sleep . … ' This can happen with you also . Any situation can be dealt with , if you know how to drop your negativity , if you know how to drop your negative reaction to it . This is the key to open the Manipuraka chakra . But the mind is so eager to harbor , to settle down in familiar patterns of inner chatter . This is the basis of the working of worry . The mind always looks to typecast things . It needs comparison all the time between past , present and future and this comparison , this reference , this judgment , gives birth to worry . Worries are nothing but familiar dwelling patterns for our mind . These familiar patterns are called engrams in the field of human psychology . Engrams are the engraved memories of the past , which serve as an undesirable resource inside us for all our present and future actions . Because of these stored engrams , we react illogically in the present . Once Buddha was walking from one town to another town with a few of his followers . While they were traveling , they happened to pass a lake . They stopped there and Buddha told one of his disciples , " I am thirsty . Go and get me some water from that lake there . " The disciple walked up to the lake . When he reached it , he noticed that right at that moment , a bullock cart started crossing through the lake . As a result , the water became very muddy , very turbid . The disciple thought , " How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink ! " So he came back and told Buddha , " The water in there is very muddy . I don 't think it is fit to drink . " After about half an hour , again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake and get him some water to drink . The disciple obediently went back to the lake . This time too he found that the lake was muddy . He returned and informed Buddha about the same . After sometime , again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back . The disciple reached the lake to find the lake absolutely clean and clear with pure water in it . The mud had settled down and the water above it looked fit to be had . So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha . Buddha looked at the water , and then he looked up at the disciple and said , " See what you did to make the water clean . You let it be … . and the mud settled down on its own - and you got clear water . Your mind is also like that ! When it is disturbed , just let it be . Give it a little time . It will settle down on its own . You don 't have to put in any effort to calm it down . It will happen . It is effortless . What Special Someday Are We Saving For ? My brother - in - law opened the bottom drawer of my sister 's bureau and lifted out a tissue - wrapped package . " This , " he said , " is not a slip . This is lingerie . " He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip . It was exquisite : silk , handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace . The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached . " Jan bought this the first time we went to New York , at least eight or nine years ago . She never wore it . She was saving it for a special occasion . Well , I guess this is the occasion . " He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician . His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment . Then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me . " Don 't ever save anything for a special occasion . Every day you 're alive is a special occasion . " I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death . I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister 's family lives . I thought about all the things that she hadn 't seen or heard or done . I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special . I 'm still thinking about his words , and they 've changed my life . I 'm reading more and dusting less . I 'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden . I 'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings . Whenever possible , life should be a pattern of experiences to savor , not endure . I 'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them . I 'm not " saving " anything ; we use our good china and crystal for every special event - - such as losing a pound , getting the sink unstopped , the first camellia blossom . I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it . My theory is if I look prosperous , I can shell out $ 28 . 49 for a small bag of groceries without winPosted by " Hold on a minute , " Socrates replied . " Before telling me anything I 'd like you to pass a little test . It 's called the Triple Filter Test . " " That 's right , " Socrates continued . " Before you talk to me about my friend , it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you 're going to say . That 's why I call it the triple filter test . The first filter is Truth . Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ? " " So , " Socrates continued , " you want to tell me something bad about him , but you 're not certain it 's true . You may still pass the test though , because there 's one filter left : the filter of usefulness . Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me ? " " No not really … " The clerk , a friendly man with a winning smile , looked at the couple and explained that there were three conventions in town . " All of our rooms are taken , " the clerk said . " But I can 't send a nice couple like you out into the rain at one o ' clock in the morning . Would you perhaps be willing to sleep in my room ? It 's not exactly a suite , but it will be good enough to make you folks comfortable for the night . " The clerk looked at them and smiled . The three of them had a good laugh . As they drove away , the elderly couple agreed that the helpful clerk was indeed exceptional , as finding people who are both friendly and helpful isn 't easy . Two years passed . The clerk had almost forgotten the incident when he received a letter from the old man . It recalled that stormy night and enclosed a round - trip ticket to New York , asking the young man to pay them a visit . The older man 's name was William Waldorf - Aster , and that magnificent structure was the original Waldorf - Astoria Hotel . The young clerk who became its first manager was George C . Boldt . This young clerk never foresaw the turn of events that would lead him to become the manager of one of the world 's most glamorous hotel . A newly married couple Sam and Windy completed their first year of marriage without any problem . At the beginning of the second year , small fights were started between them . At the end of the second year , it was difficult for the both to live together . They fight each other every day for silly matters . And on a fine day Windy decided to leave his husband and returned to her parents . Then they started the court proceedings for the divorce . The court proceedings were going on . One day the husband got a letter from Windy . Sam opened the letter with much amusement . It read : After my departure , I had thought about our relations . I remember our first few months . It was great . I know how much you loved me . Then I thought about the problems in our marriage . When I deeply thought about the fights , I realized one thing . I was wrong and was creating problems for you . I demanded more time from you . I mad complaints about your income . I was asking more money from you . I was not doing my duty . I spent time watching TV and did not do household work and complained that you are not helping me . I was not obeying you . I did all the mistakes . I am ashamed of it . Now I know how much I troubled you . I was miserable and a nightmare for you . I am sorry for what I did . I voluntarily begging pardon for the misdeeds . Please forgive me . I know how much you loves me . I don 't want to give any more troubles to you . I promise , I would a nice and obedient wife to you through out our life . I request you to come and take me home next Sunday . There was two beggars who sit in front of a famous Church . A pilgrimage site where worshipers comes from different parts of the country . Every day these beggars used to sit in front of the church and beg . People give pennies in anticipation of God 's blessing . One was a blind , and the other was lame . One day there was rain and streets were empty . They didn 't get enough for the day . In the evening while they were returning home the lame saw an elephant and its mahout was coming against them . The blind beggar listened the sound of the chain of the elephant and asked his friend whether it 's an elephant passing by . The lame confirmed that it 's an elephant . Then the blind beggar asked in a loud voice to the mahout " Hay , Do you want to gift the elephant to us " . The mahout went on his way without answering the beggars . After a while the lame beggar asked the blind . Are you mad ? Why have asked for the elephant ? Do you think he will give it to us ? To that the blind replied : " We don 't know whether the mahout is kind enough to give us the elephant . If he give us the elephant , we wold get a lot of money by selling the elephant . Even if he is not willing to give us the elephant , we have nothing to loose but a world . Many times our prayers are like this . We don 't know whether we would get the things for which we had prayed . We don 't know whether we are worthy to receive the thing to which we have prayed . Still we pray . Without faith . Without any assurance . We had an uncle who was very bold and courageous enough to raise his voice even in the middle of the crowd . One day as our local church was celebrating its annual festival , and there comes a medicine seller who was thin and skinny . In the street corner he placed his box . Upon the box he displayed medicine bottles along with two pictures of a guy , before and after using the medicine . He was calling people and telling them the qualities of the medicine . One picture shows the photo of a man with skinny and thin body taken before using the medicine . Another photo shows the healthy body of the same guy after using the medicine . The medicine seller was calling people and many were gathered around him to listen about the medicine . He was claiming that if you use the medicine for a month or two your body will turn healthy enough to do any hard work just as in the picture . Our uncle also came there and was listening his claims . After listening him for a few minutes , uncle attracted the attention of the crowed by clapping his hands and told the crowd and the medicine seller that first the medicine seller should use the medicine and prove that the medicine will work in his body then we will buy the medicine . Everyone gathered around agreed the suggestion of the uncle and left immediately . Sadly medicine seller also packed his things and left . I remember the incident very often . Posted by There was a group of friends who gather together every evening in the street corner after their day 's work . They talk about different issues and problems . Do some gossip . Share their knowledge etc . One evening Mr . Albert told his friends that He knows the President and named some important figures and told that he know them very well . While returning Mr . Bob thought that " my son has done his graduation and is jobless . My friend Mr . Albert knows the President and many important people in the society . Let me ask Mr . Albert for a favour . If he makes a request to the President , perhaps by the recommendation of President , my son could get a job in a good organization . The other day Mr . Bob met Mr . Albert and said : " You know President and other important persons in the society very well . So could I ask you to do me a favour . My son did his graduation and jobless . I am sure , if you ask the president , he could arrange a job for my son . There are people around us who boast themselves that they have good connections with those who are in power . When you approach them for a help , they will show their helplessness . They will turn you down . But there is one who is there to help you , who controls the universe . Who knows everything . He is God . He will not turn you down when you approach Him for a help . He will show you the way . He will guide you , lead you and counsel you . There lived a Pandit ( or called Poojari which means the person who perform the rituals at the temple ) in a small village . One day this Pandit got a cute pet cat . Pandit loved this cute cat and decided to take it to home . This cute cat used to eat with the Pandit and sleep with him . Wherever he goes , the cat follows him . Pandit loved the cat and took care of it . As part of the worship ritual , this pandit has to offer milk to his God in the temple . As soon as the cat sees the milk , it drank it . It was become a problem for the pandit . This cat doesn 't know whether it is offered to God or not . When ever the cat sees the milk it started to lick the milk as usually pandit gave milk to the cat . But the milk which offered to God is not for the cat . Few times the cat came and drink the milk which has to be offered to the God . To avoid such embarrassing situation Pandit started to tie the cat to a tree before he perform his worship rituals . It was his habit to tie the cat before he perform the pooja ( worship ) . After the worship , he release the cat . Years passed and the the pandit died . His son started to perform the worship rituals . He continued the custom of tie the cat before the worship . And it become the part of the worship ritual . Years passed and the the cat also died . Now the children of the pandit does not know why they tie the cat before the worship . They thought and felt to complete the ritual , they have to tie a cat . They couldn 't find a cat in their village . They felt that their worship is not complete and did not find satisfaction . So they brought a cat from the near by village . After brining the cat , they tied it to a tree and did their worship ritual . Now they are satisfied . Socrates the ancient Greek Philosopher used to give public discourses about serious subjects like Life and after life while standing on a big stone in the corner of the market . Peoples in the market and the passers by come and listen for a few minutes and leave when they listen his philosophy . They never paid much attention to his philosophy . Socrates , when he found that the people are not giving much attention to his philosophy decided to do something different . Socrates then announced to the general public that he is going to tell a very interesting story . And started his story . People those who heard his announcement came near very eagerly to listen his story . He started like this . " There was merchant who has a lot of merchandise to sell decided to go to another city so that he could get some extra profit from the business . He packed his goods and took it on his shoulder and left for another city before the day break . He has to climb a big mountain to reach the another city . There is no other way but to climb the mountain with his merchandise . While he was walking he found another man with a donkey also heading to the same city the merchant was going . They were walking together and talking each other and become friends . Then the merchant asked the other man to rent his donkey to hold his merchandise till they reach the other city . The man agreed for a certain amount of money . " At this point Socrates found that a large number of audience gathered around him to listen the story and lot of people forget their duty and listening his story . People used to come and listen and leave within a few minutes also forgot their business and stayed back to listen the story . Then he continued his story like this : " They have to climb a steep mountain to reach their destination . The merchant placed his merchandise upon the donkey and they started out in the morning . It was easy to walk in the morning . As the day progressed , it became very tough for them to climb the mountain . They were sweating and become very tired . But as soon as the sun came on top of their head They decided to take rest . " " It was 12 Noon and they were tired . They decided to take a brake . But there was no trees or shade under which they could sit and take rest , there was only the shade of donkey who carrying the merchandise . Under the shade of that donkey there was space for only one man . The owner of the donkey told the other man that the shade of the donkey solely belongs to him as he is the owner of the donkey . But the merchant wants to sit and take rest so he disagree with the argument of the owner of the donkey saying that right now he hired the donkey so the shade of the donkey solely belongs to him only . Owner of the donkey told that he only let out the donkey , not the shade . But the merchant said that when he hired the donkey , the shade also belongs to him . Both the men fell in to fierce argument for the shade of the donkey . Both argued that it belongs to them legally . " By this time there was a large amount of people gathered around Socrates . So He climbed down from the stone where he was standing and walked away . People followed him requesting to complete the story . He paid no attention to them and continued his walking . People were following him and requesting him to complete the story all the more . They pressed him hard for the end of the story , so he stopped walking and turned to them and said . " I was talking to you people about great and serious things like life and after life . But you were not paying any attention . But when I started to telling about an imaginative story of a Donkey and it shade you are very eager to listen and want to know the end of the story . You are paying more attention to silly things and ignoring the important things in life . It is better for you to look for important things of life , do not run after silly things like stories . Do some important things every day and pursue it . " We are also tempt to run after this kind of stories . For our generation also this story is relevant . We are also running after silly things . We must be careful about our time , money and opportunity and try to put every effort to take the best use of it . Especially Students should make good use of their time and study well . Don 't waste their time and opportunity by watching stupid TV serials and doing unworthy things . Let us be conscious about our time , money and opportunity . A disciple and his teacher were walking through the forest . The disciple was disturbed by the fact that his mind was in constant unrest . He asked his teacher : " Why most people 's minds are restless , and only a few possess a calm mind ? What can one do to still the mind ? " The teacher looked at the disciple , smiled and said : " I will tell you a story . An elephant was standing and picking leaves from a tree . A small fly came , flying and buzzing near his ear . The elephant waved it away with his long ears . Then the fly came again , and the elephant waved it away once more " . This was repeated several times . Then the elephant asked the fly : " Why are you so restless and noisy ? Why can 't you stay for a while in one place ? " The fly answered : " I am attracted to whatever I see , hear or smell . My five senses pull me constantly in all directions and I cannot resist them . What is your secret ? How can you stay so calm and still ? " The elephant stopped eating and said : " My five senses do not rule my attention . Whatever I do , I get immersed in it . Now that I am eating , I am completely immersed in eating . In this way I can enjoy my food and chew it better . I rule and control my attention , and not the other way around . " The disciple 's eyes opened wide and a smile rose on his face . " I understand ! If my five senses are in control of my mind and attention , then my mind is in constant unrest . If I am in charge of my five senses and attention , then my mind becomes calm " . " Yes , that 's right " , answered the teacher , " The mind is restless and goes wherever the attention is . Control your attention , and you control your mind " . I graduated from Brazosport High School in Freeport , Texas in May 1972 . Not dressed in white ( honors ) , but I graduated . That summer like the previous summer , I worked as a longshoreman loading corn , flour and corn sacks weighing 50 to 140 lbs . and 900 lbs . caustic soda drums on freight ships bound to other countries at nearby Brazos Harbor and Dow Chemical A2 Dock . This was one of the better paying jobs in the area . It was grueling , hard , heavy work , but I loved it at the time . My father had been doing this job most of his life since it paid well . Fall came around and I had already decided that I did not want to make my living as a longshoreman . Work was inconsistent and when it was there it only went to the ones with the most seniority , unless there was too much . There was very little opportunity for a better job when you got older . I had always heard that a college education would get you a better job and decided to find out . So I went to nearby Brazosport College and set up an appointment with a counselor . I got to his office at the appointed time and he asked me what work or profession interested me the most . I had taken Auto Mechanics I & II during my junior and senior years in high school and asked him if Brazosport College had an auto mechanics program . He said " no . " I asked him if they had anything similar to it . He said that the Machine Tools Technology program was very similar and described the program to me . I was very interested and asked him how long it would take if I went full time . He said " 4 years . " I said I couldn 't go full time since I am working ( whenever work was available ) . I asked how long would it take if I go part time ? He said " 7 years . " I was shocked . I said , " Man , I 'll be old then , I 'll be 25 years old . I don 't thing so . " He asked me , " what did you say you did for a living right now ? " I told him again that I worked as a longshoreman throwing bags and manhandling drums . Then he bent over his desk and looked me square in the eye and asked me the most significant words I will never forget in my lifPosted by Pounding In and Pulling Out Nails When I confronted my daughter after she hurt another child with a mean comment , she cried and immediately wanted to apologize . That was a good thing , but I wanted her to know an apology can 't always make things better . I told her the parable of Will , a 9 - year - old whose father abandoned his mom two years earlier . Will was angry , and he often lashed out at others with hurtful words . He once told his mom , " I see why Dad left you ! " Unable to cope with his cruel outbursts , she sent him to his grandparents for the summer . His grandfather 's strategy to help Will learn self - control was to make him go into the garage and pound a two - inch - long nail into a four - by - four board every time he said a mean thing . For a small boy , this was a major task , and he couldn 't return until the nail was all the way in . After about ten trips to the garage , Will began to be more cautious about his words . Eventually , he even apologized for all the bad things he 'd said . That 's when his grandmother stepped in . She told him to bring in the board filled with nails and instructed him to pull them all out . This was even harder than pounding them in , but after a huge struggle , he did it . His grandmother hugged him and said , " I appreciate your apology , and of course I forgive you because I love you , but I want you to know an apology is like pulling out one of these nails . Look at the board . The holes are still there . The board will never be the same . Your dad put a hole in you , Will , but please don 't put holes in other people . You 're better than that . " Michael Josephsonwww . charactercounts . org Posted by Catching Fish In A Jar When I was between eleven and twelve years old I decided one bright sunny day that it would be fun to go fishing . I didn 't have any fishing gear and I had never done much fishing other than to play on the stream banks while my father fished . I also didn 't want to " hurt " the fish I just wanted to catch them and then let them go . I looked around the house for what I could use and I found a washed out old mayonnaise jar . You know the old style jars with the big open " mouth " . I walked to a nearby pond and put the jar down in the soft dust - like mud of the water 's edge with the open " mouth " of the jar facing toward the center . I then stirred the waters a little and made them cloudy so that the fish would have trouble seeing me . Then I waited hovering over the jar . Gradually , cautiously a small fish would swim up to the clear jar to investigate the disturbance and when it swam into the jar I dropped my hand into the water and over the jar mouth . I caught a fish , then another . I just let them all go and returned my jar to the cupboard . Then I decided to use wire " box trap " to go fishing and rigged a string to the door . This way I could drop the trap in the water and not have to " hover over " it like I did with the jar . I sat very relaxed on the bank of the pond and sure enough I caught a fair sized bluegill . I took it home in a water filled plastic waste basket to show my dad and afterward returned it to the pond . When I told people about how I had caught the fish they just paused and laughed nervously . You see unlike these people , I didn 't know that you couldn 't catch fish in a jar . If I would have asked them they would have scoffed and said , " You can 't catch fish in a jar or a box trap ! " No one in my life had ever dreamed of telling me that so my belief system did not contain these words or the impact that they would have had on my " day of fishing " . Only a free minded kid could come up with an idea of using a jar or a box trap to catch fish ! No one had told me that this was impossible so I just usDaisy A company wanted to set up a pension plan for its employees . 100 % participation of the employees were required to install the plan . The plan was in the best interest of all the employees and made sense to everyone . Except Samuel , everyone signed up . Samuel 's supervisor and other co - workers had tried to persuade him without success . Samuel not signing was the only obstacle for the implementation of the plan . The owner of the company called Samuel in his office and said " Samuel , here is the pen and these are the papers for you to sign to enroll in the pension plan . If you don 't enroll , you are fired this minute . " Samuel signed the papers right away . The owner asked Samuel , why he hadn 't signed earlier . Samuel replied " No one explained the plan quite clearly as you did . " External motivation comes from outside such as fame , fear , social approval and money . Fear of getting spanked by parents and fear of getting fired at work are some examples of external motivation . Monkey hunters in India use a box tied to the tree or a hole made in the tree to catch monkey . The box / hole would have an opening at the top , big enough for the monkey to slide its hand in it . They keep some nuts inside the box . The monkey slide its hand inside the box and grabs the nuts and now its hand becomes a fist . The monkey tries to get its hand out but the opening is big enough for the hand to slide in , but too small for the fist to come out . Now the monkey has a choice , either to hold on to the nuts and get caught or let go off the nuts and be free for ever . Do you know what it picks every time ? You guessed it right ! He hangs on the nuts and gets caught . Many of us are not different from monkeys . We all hang on some nuts which prevent us from going forward in life . You know the nuts , better than anyone else , that prevent you from going forward in life . Identify that nuts and let go off that nuts and be free for ever . We keep rationalize by saying " I cannot do this because . . . . . . . " Whatever comes after " because " are the nuts that you are hanging on and which holding you back . A young man asked Socrates " What is the secret to success . " Socrates told the young man : " Meet me near the river tomorrow morning . " They met . Socrates asked the young man : " Walk with him toward the river . " When the water got up to their neck , Socrates took the young man by surprise and ducked him into the water . The boy struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until the boy started turning blue . Socratespulled his head out of the water and the first thing the young man did was to gasp and take a deep breath of air . Socrates asked , ' What did you want the most when you werethere ? " The boy replied , " Air . " Socrates said , " That is the secret to success . When you want success as badly as you wanted the air , then you will get it . " There is no other secret . A burning desire is the starting point of all accomplishment . Just like a small fire cannot give much heat , a weak desire cannot produce great results . |
Considering I am now 54 years old I am from the generation many of you are or close to it . In my life time I 've seen technology take over the world . I remember being a child and my best friend , Rene , was all excited because they got a " color " TV . She talked about things being in color and got me so excited about it I couldn 't wait to see it . I remember asking my Mom if I could go to Rene 's house to watch this new color TV and got the ok , so Rene and I were off , we walked up the street , talking about everything and nothing at the same time . We were all of 5 years old . I couldn 't wait . We sat down in her living room turned it on and there I sat with my eyes full of excitement , only to see a black and white show on the screen . Rene started changing channels , but not matter which channel she went to , the show was black and white . I remember thinking , surely something is wrong with their new TV . Her Mom was there so I said , " Mrs . Taylor , how do you make the shows color , everything is still in black in white " . She kind of chuckled and said , " the show has to have been recorded in color in order for it to appear in color " . Well that didn 't make any sense to me at all , and I thought this thing is just a big waste of money . Having no patience at all as 5 year olds are , Rene and I were out the door to do something fun . I had declared at that time , color TVs were a waste of money in my young mind . I grew up looking at technology through those same eyes all of my life . I remember my first class I took at work about " the internet " . The class was a bomb and nothing worked as it was supposed to . I sat there at the age of 35 remembering my 5 year old experience and thinking " internet is stupid , it does 't even work " . Now here I am at 54 and my husband is making a living using technology and the internet . But the most shocking has to be the world I created on the internet . The 5 year old who thought color TV was a bust , has made hundreds of beautiful , real friendships on the internet . Who would have thought ! , certainly not me . I 've always been very open with my virtual social world . I 'm a trusting soul who has believed their entire life , my life 's experiences were not only real , but maybe more common then others let on . I 've always thought sharing would help me fit in and people would realize I was more like them then it appeared . I thought sharing might help someone else feel they were not the only one . So , sharing like I always have on social areas of the internet was nothing new for me , I 've always shared , the internet just gave me more platforms to do it and the ability to reach a lot more people . Through sharing and being real I connected with so many of you . I think the part that surprised me the most has been the stories many of you have shared about how my sharing had a positive effect in one way or another on your life . That definitely makes me feel my life had a purpose as ugly as it was at times . Knowing it had a purpose changes everything about how I feel about my past . If it had a purpose , then it was all worth it and sharing was the best thing I could have ever done with those experiences . It inspires me to continue sharing . As Mike has told you , I 've not been well . I know you have all reached out in every way you can to help and be TRUE friends . I think some of you would have come through the computer to help if you could . I have been going through a bad time , and I know many of you have wondered what has happened and you 've only been left with a lot of speculation . After I received so many beautiful cards and messages from many of you , I knew I needed to end the speculation and share with you all in my words what has happened . I don 't recall the exact day , but the day Mike shared I had suddenly become ill and he was taking over , the YT and FB were gone and basically so was I , was a really scary morning . I have always struggled with stress . Have you ever noticed in life , whatever your best quality is , is also your worst ? For me that 's very true , and my best quality is my ability to get a million things done , keep all my commitments , and not let anyone down . It 's also my worst quality . So that I can do my best quality , I never let my mind or body rest . I never say , " it can wait until tomorrow " . So I had this going on . Then there was all the social areas on the internet I was involved in . Some of that was getting very difficult for me . I put my heart and soul into everything I share and lay it on the table basically . On YT I had to turn my " thumbs up / down " off because I had haters who actually waited for my videos to pop up and they would thumbs down them immediately . I would always have a couple thumbs down within minutes . Only I could see them , but that was the point . And because my videos were different , I frequently had people who would go to older videos and criticize how I spoke , the backgroud noise , the stories I told , etc . They would be really mean , and despite what anyone would say to the contrary about ignoring them - words hurt , and they stay in my mind , because that 's just who I am . So , I had this factor going on . Then there was the desperation we have for needing help in the store . That 's been something I never thought would be so hard . First , I never thought the store would grow that large . But it did , and help was and is necessary . We tried local and long distance help , only to have it go south in every case . I won 't go into details but I will say in every case I made the mistake of taking what happened personally . The problem for me is , if it happens again the future , I 'm sure I will take it personally then too . It 's who I am . So , there was this aspect of my life to deal with . The store is an entity all it 's own . It 's probably the most misunderstood I would imagine . I can 't tell you how many times I would hear , " I think your little store will be a success " . I won 't get into numbers here , except for one . The store grew very fast as many of you who have been there since the beginning know . Mike was able to quit his job literally years before we ever expected , and we were able to live our dream by moving to the country years before we ever thought we would be able to . The store is in the top 2 % of all Shopify stores right now and from what we 've learned is the size of a store that should have a staff of about 7 - 8 people running it . It 's doing well , so well Shopify also wants to run a feature story on the succes of it . I always tried to make each and every customer feel they were the only one . That was good , because I wanted people to feel as special as they really are to us , and it was bad because there were times people were asking for things they would never ask a bigger store to do , not realizing we had become a bigger store , and they would get angry with me if I explained to them we just were not staffed to meet their request ( for example , I frequently had customers ask me to email them before ordering items from a company they liked , just to check if they needed anything , I would get asked to email customers when something they wanted would be coming in so they didn 't have to watch for it on their own or watch the " what 's in the store " videos . People got angy with me when they would ask me to update their account information and I would instead explain they can do that on their own , or re - booting their computer because something wasn 't working properly on their computer ) . I was noticing more and more , that because I had been very responsive and one - on - one with each customer , if anything was a bit confusing , or they had the smallest amount of difficulty , rather then try to figure it out themselves first , they immediately emailed me . With 1500 + customers it became impossible to please I didn 't just feel pulled in every direction , I was . The store receives at least 60 - 100 emails a day alone . I also had people with a lot of unrealistic expectations giving me grief in misdirected ways and at abusive levels , clearly saying things they would never have been brave enough to say in person . I had viewers on YT telling me what to make next , and HOW to make it . They would see an older project I had done and ask me to do one like it , but in a specific theme they were requesting . If I didn 't craft for a few days because I was swammped in every other area of my life viewers would start writing saying " you need to craft more " . That would really anger Mike . He saw how busy I was and couldn 't believe the requests and demands people were making . In every direction people were telling me all of " things I should be doing " to entertain them . The night before I became ill there was some challenges going on with someone who I had at one time thought was a good friend . I was getting emails that had a threatening tone to them , and it was just the end for me . I had not shared this with anyone , but I had begun having small panic attacks , they were manageable , but they had begun . After that night with the unpleasant emails , it just all came together like a storm and I woke up about 7 : 00am unable to breath and had pain in my chest like I was having a heart attack . Mike rushed me to the ER and fortunately it was not a heart attack , but it was by far the worst panic attack I have ever experienced . That was it for Mike , and now I 'm in the background . I don 't see any emails , the channel is gone , my world is now quiet and it feels really good . The only thing I miss is blogging , because I do love to write . I 've never had any demands put on me here , no one has ever asked anything of me , or requested I do something else here for their entertainment , so I may continue this , I haven 't decided for sure yet . It 's why I chose this format to share what 's been going on , why things are as they are , and to say Thank you . I want to Thank the many of you who have sincerely care about my well being . Those that have taken the time to send me a card to share their concern , or to share a little story about what my sharing helped them get through something , or a time in their life . All of this means more to me then you could ever image . I want to thank those of you who have only cared if I got better . I 'm getting better , but it 's a slow process . I 've been drained to complete emptiness and it will take a long time for me to recoup from that . I need time to take care of myself . I don 't trust even opening an email for fear of what it might say because I have no energy to deal with anything right now . It will take a long time to come back from this place I 'm currently in . It 's not a good place , but it 's my place right now and as dark as it is I know being out of the reach of demands is necessary . As I mentioned I miss writing . I don 't think I 'm up to writing often , and not sure if I 'm up to sharing my past , but as I do get there , I will have Mike let you know in an email through the store . Thank you again for supporting him in his efforts to run the store on his own . He 's done fabulous and and I 'm so proud of him . He 's also been a protective and wonderful husband . He 's my rock right now that 's for sure . You all have a wonderful week . We are leaving tomorrow morning for our much needed vacation . Mike loaded the store with all the product coming in this week and he told me he has a giveaway planned for his return . So enjoy the store as well while we are gone . Again , thank you for the cards , you just don 't know how special they are to me . My eyes about pop out of my head every time Mike brings them home from the Post office because there are so many ! ! ! My being gone doesn 't mean I love any of you less , I need to be gone so I can love you all more in the future ! Note : I 'm keeping this real , so this segment will include some mild profanity . If this is offensive to you , you might want to skip this segment . As I mentioned , I had listened to the phone call my Dad made to my Mom , and he was more then decent , I heard with my own ears ! I knew and still know what was said that night . I got in the back seat of the car and felt like a trapped rat . It was a 2 door so once they were both in , I was stuck . I really don 't know why they showed up like they did . As soon as the doors were shut my Mom spun around in her seat , pointed her finger in my face and said , " I want to know what you told your Dad because he made me out to be a Bitch on the phone last night " ? My immediate response was " I told him what 's been going on " . . . but what I wanted to say and didn 't feel I could was , " I was listening to the phone call and that 's a lie " . I didn 't feel I could say that though because I was still a kid and I wasn 't supposed to be easedropping on the call , it was all so twisted . I wanted to speak my mind , I was in a difficult situation , but had been taught to respect your parents . Yet I was dealing with a juvinille parent that did not deserve any respect . . . but at my age how to you explain all that to your parent ? How do you say , " you need to grow up and act like a parent " ? So , there I sat , trying to figure out the right things to say to avoid getting my face slapped off , literally ! I didn 't succeed , I took one good blow to the face by my Mom . There just was no right words , at least none that were coming to me . Finally after I don 't know how long she said to Butch , " Coming here was a waste of my time , get her out of this car so we can get the hell out of here " . So , released I was to go back inside . I was nervous and shaken by this to no end . Betty knew nothing good could come of what was going on outside and had already called my Dad . I guess ot avoid an even worse scene he had kept himself at bay , which was probably a good decision . I ended up taking a walk to the Station and just hanging out there for a while to relax and be in a safe place . Heck just standing there filling the soda machine felt good and gave me a chance to unwind . My Dad was pretty good about not asking too much . I had always been " drilled " by my Mom , which was horrible , so he just kind of made himself available . I 'm going to digress a bit and share just one example of how many of the things that happened changed people forever . At one point the daught my Dad and Betty had together got married and had a baby . Betty babysat this new baby often , while their daughter worked . I noticed if the baby cried my Dad would jump up and go right to her . I observed this one day and when he came back to sit down he said , " I just can 't stand hearing a baby cry " . I said , " really , why is that " . He said , " when you were a baby , and you cried , if I went to get up to see what you needed your Mom would yell - don 't you dare go in there , let her cry , she 'll eventually stop if no one comes in and she 'll cry herself to sleep , he continued - it used to just kill me to hear you crying and not be able to do anything about it " . The obvious question here is " why didn 't he just do what he wanted and tell her to take a hike basically " . . . To understand the answer to that question you would have had to walk in the shoes my Dad and I walked in . It just wasn 't that easy and the price was very high . And , of course their marriage ended not long after this , so he eventually decided to take necessary steps . Getting back to that day in the driveway - well it was the first day of a very long war . You see , it was not very cut and dry or very simple to just switch homes . My Dad had no custody of me whatsoever . Back in the 60 's as many of you know , it was most common for the Mom to just be granted custody , and the fathers just accepted it as normal , it wasn 't challenged so much back then . My Dad also was still obligated to pay child support per the Divorce decree . It got more complicated too , because if you recall , I was still not in school and the new season had begun a few days prior . And then there were things to deal with such as - all my belongings , I barely had more then the clothes on my back . Everything I owned was at my Mom 's condo . Despite all of this and more , as you can image , it was more then clear I was staying with my Dad . The first step was getting me in schoool . I now lived 30 - 40 minutes from my old school , so figuring out a way to keep me in that school wasn 't an option . My Dad went to the school district we lived in to enroll me and found out - wasn 't happening ! He just saw himself as my legal father , it didn 't dawn on him since he had no custody he couldn 't enroll me . So he came home that night to share that news and my stress level went off the chart . . . as a kid you can 't see any possible solution . What would happen here . . . the only option was to get my Mom to grant my Dad temporary custody and the school would allow me to be enrolled . I feared she would never agree . My Dad did manage to get her to agree to it , and I 'm guessing she only did because she was really fed up with me and knew in the end I had to be in school . So , by the end of the week I was in school . One thing accomplished . But there was so much more . My poor Dad was paying her each week still ! Because she was the legal parent , despite whether I lived there or not , he was obligated to pay child support . It didn 't take him long to secure an attorney to help sort things out and get legal documents changed and updated . In the mean time I needed my clothes . That 's a night I 'll never forget . . . we scheduled a time to go out there , when we arrived I was really happy to find my Mom and Michelle gone . Thank goodness they were smart enough to get her out of there . But oh boy was it uncomfortable . . we took big trash bags and as fast as we could fill them we were just grabbing drawers full of clothes and throwing them in bags . I remember my Dad looking at me and saying , " don 't worry , we 'll straighten them all out when we get back home " . I could tell he felt really bad for me . He knew no kid should ever have to do something like this , but it had to be done . We were in and out of there in about 15 minutes flat . When we got home my Dad did stand there at a table with me and together we folded my clothes nicely again . I had no furniture quite yet so I used a table . My Dad was trThings were crazy for a while . I started getting mail from my Mom . Not mail like you would think . . . she started sending " to me " , unpaid medical bills , she closed my little passbook savings account and I guess kept the month . I just got the little passbook we had as kids where we entered our birthday and christmas money in to learn how to be good savers . . . we 'll I got the passbook with the word " Closed " written inside and underlined about 3 times . I was upset over getting this stuff and my Dad was furious . The one thing he did I appreciate now was - rather then just handle this himself , he encouraged me to have my own voice . To explain I need to digress again for a moment . . . About a year before this all happened my Dad called one day all excited he had found a car for me . With owning the Station he ran across all kinds of cars and deals . Anyway , I had just turned 14 and to him that was almost 16 so he wanted to be ready with a car for me . . . he was like that . He had come across a 1970 Challenger . It was the old " Slime Lime " bright green color and it was a cool old hot rod . He was telling me all about it on the phone and of course I was excited . . . . " rule # 1 , never get excited or be happy " . I was busted . My Mom saw I was happy . . she grabbed that phone so fast and chewed his ass from here to next week . She told him " how dare he suggest a car like that , that 's not a car for a new driver , etc , etc . and how dare he not run it by her first ! ! ! End of story , I wasn 't getting THAT car " . Down the road she got a new car and decided her old car was suitable for me and gave it to me . It was not necessarily a cool car back then , but a desireable car these days . It was a ' 67 Impala . We had parked the car in my Grandmother 's garage . This was the Grandmother on my Dad 's side . Something worth noting . . the car was in a garage with no garage door . So there the car sat waiting for me to turn 16 . Back again to the mail I was receiving . . . . I said to my Dad , " I just want to mail her the keys to that car and tell her what I think , I 'm really sick of being treated this way and I don 't want anything she gave me " . He said , " then that 's what you should do . I 'll make sure you have a car , you don 't have to keep that one , and it 's okay for you to tell her how you feel in a respectful way " . That was the best thing he could have ever done . I sat down with a piece of paper and the keys to that car and I wrote her a note telling her how I didn 't want anything she had ever given me and she should stop what she was doing , that it was not right . My letter wasn 't that great , but it taught me I had a voice , was entitled to speak it if done properly , and I didn 't have to rely on someone to speak for me . I never looked back from that lesson . From that point on in life when something wasn 't right , I never looked for someone to take care of me , I knew I had my own voice and could take care of myself . About a week later my Dad drove me by my Grandma 's house and the car was gone . Life started shaping up . My Dad had a room built for me in the finished basement they had already . He had a closet made and there was already a full bath down there , so it became my safe haven . I loved it . I got furniture , school was going ok , and my Dad had found me a 67 Charger , which proudly sat in the driveway waiting for me to turn 16 which was just over a year away at this point . The wheels of the legal system turn slowly so we were still riding on the temporary custody letter and waiting for things to happen to finally make the custody change legal . In the mean time Michelle was not doing real well and my Mom decided I should come visit them - she decided she should have visitation ! So she presents this idea to my Dad , who in turn talked to me about it . Once again , I had a voice , as he left the decision up to me . He is the eternal optimist , as so am I , which I clearly get from him . He always held out hope my Mom would change and be the Mom he hoped she would be . I decided to go visit , but as you all know it was not for her or Butch , it was only for Michelle . I missed her an unimaginable amount , so a chance to see her , despite my Mom sounded really good . We planned which weekend would be the first that I would go visit . My Dad drove me out there and dropped me off . I was nervous and excited all at once . I was so happy to see Michelle . We were just inseprable . We hung out Friday night , then Saturday morning my Mom and Butch went somewhere and I was there with Michelle , having a great time doing nothing , when there was a knock at the door . I answered it and a man said , " does Patricia xxxx live here " ? I said , " yes , she does " . He handed me some papers and said , " give these to her and tell her she 's been served " . And before I knew it I was holding papers telling her she had to go to court . My heart was racing a million miles and hour . I had to get out of there and I had to do it fast , but my Dad was 30 - 40 minutes away . I called him in a panic , " Dad , Mom was just served with the legal papers and she 's not here , and they 'll be back soon , and I need out of here " . He knew I needed out of there too and said , " I 'm on my way " . There I sat with Michelle , who was only 7 , so I couldnt ' leave her , my Dad was on the way , and I didn 't know when my Mom and Butch would get back . . . . . . That weekend was spent in Theodosia , Missouri . A small town near Table Rock Lake in the Southwest Missouri Ozark area . It 's peaceful there and Betty had extended family in that area . We went there a few times a year to visit a couple relatives she was very fond of . I don 't really remember some of these people , but I do remember the warmth they extended to me . I remember the house I was in that weekend , it was owned by older relatives of Betty 's , so to me it felt like a " grandma " house . I was all of 14 so , who knows how old they really were . I do know I was up all night , every night pacing around , sitting in different rooms , thinking , crying , thinking . . . . . I did not know what to do most of that weekend . Tuesday I was supposed to be in school . . . somewhere , but I wasn 't yet . No one knew exactly what was happening yet . My Dad had no heard from my Mom , he had not called her , so nothing was figured out . It had been made very clear by Betty and my Dad that I was welcome to stay , and I 'll never forget what else was said , to this day I 'm sure this was Betty 's idea to throw in the conversation , but as they told me I was welcome , they also said , " but you can 't play us back and forth , in other words , you can 't decide you don 't like the rules here so you want to go back to your Mom 's , then when you don 't like it there , you want to come back " . I remember thinking . . . are either of you nuts , do you know what I 'm coming from . . . I looked at my Dad like " really " . . . I never really responded to that and my Dad said no more . Later that day I had decided my decision was going to be . . . to go back to watch out for Michelle . My heart could not find peace with any other decision . I knew it would be Hell , but I also knew it would be Hell for her because she would get the brunt of everything , there would be no diversion . Plus how would she ever understand at her young ag why I didn 't come back . So , I went upstairs ( I had been staying in the finished basement ) , and told Betty I had decided to go back because of Michelle . I remember how she looked shen I told her . She actually looked surprised and very concerned . It was almost as if it had finally sunk in on her how bad my life had been , and now I was coming to her with this decision . My Dad was at the " Station " as we called it . He owned a Shell Service Station 1 . 5 blocks away . Betty said , " don 't call your Mom yet , let me tell your Dad what your decision is , and let him call out there to talk to her for you before you do anything " . I agreed and went back downstairs . For the first time in many days I felt relieved . I knew this was the right thing to do even though I knew it would be bad . I actually started feeling a bit happy because I really missed Michelle and I had worried about her to no end . I couldn 't wait to see her . She was like my own child . I guess Betty called my Dad when I was downstairs . Later I came up and she told me she had talked to him and he was going to call my Mom . I didn 't give it a lot of thought . I figured this was just sort of a formality and I would be getting a ride from someone to go back at some point , besides I also needed to get into school . I had missed the first day already . That evening my Dad came home around 6 : 00pm as always , he sat down on the back stairs and started to take off his workboots . I went outside to see him as I typically did . He looked pained in his face . He would always say " hi kiddo , how are you doing ? " in a cheerful " happy to see you voice " , but this time even though he said the same words , they were not in the same tone . I didn 't really answer , I just said , " did you call Mom " . He said , " Yes , I did " . And then he was a bit quiet , as if searching for his next words . I look back on this time and although he was my Dad , and I didn 't realize it at the time , because he was older , he was only 33 handling this mess as well . He was running his own business , owned two homes , had two children , he had a lot going on . I anxiously said , " what did she say " . . . I remembered he looked down at the stairs for a very long minute , and then he looked up and said , " you won 't be going back " . I remember that feeling like it was just a few seconds ago . My heart sank , I couldn 't believe it , what would happen to Michelle , who would take care of her . So many thoughts were racing through my mind and my heart . I asked " why , what did she say " . I wanted to know what she said . He looked at me as if he wanted to hug me , but he wasn 't the huggy type , but there was so much saddness in his eyes , and said , " she told me if you thought you had it bad before , just wait until you come back , you don 't know what bad is " . He apparently had had enough , he had watched me go through the weekend , he knew how bad she could be so he apparently had finally spoke his mind . He continued , " I told her I wouldn 't send my damn dog out there with you " . And that was it . My decision was over and Michelle 's fate was sealed . The wind had left my sails and I just sat on the edge of the stairs and stared at the brick on the house . . . . now what . Now what turned out to be an understatement . . . . that night my Dad called my Mom to finalize the fact I was staying . I tip toed down the hallway and was listening to the phone call and I 'll never forget how nice my Dad was when he really didn 't have to be . He said things like " maybe she just wants to see how her Dad lives " , and " let 's face it Pat , in 3 or 4 years she probably won 't be living with either of us , and this is a chance for her to live here for a bit before that time comes " . . . He never yelled , he never said anything disrespectful . In fact he never said anything bad about her to me , he only showed understanding when I spoke to him about her behavior . The end . . . hardly . . the next day Butch was at the door unannounced and she was sitting in the car in the driveway . Of course looking back , they strategically showed up during the day when my Dad was at the Station . Betty answered the door and he apparently told her my Mom wanted to talk to me . She called me upstairs and I could tell she didn 't know how to handle the situation . She didn 't know what to do , so she just asked me if I wanted to go out there . I thought I had to . I thought since it was a parent wanted to speak to me , I couldn 't say " No " . So , outside I went and I got in the car . . . what a mistake this was . . . |
Considering I am now 54 years old I am from the generation many of you are or close to it . In my life time I 've seen technology take over the world . I remember being a child and my best friend , Rene , was all excited because they got a " color " TV . She talked about things being in color and got me so excited about it I couldn 't wait to see it . I remember asking my Mom if I could go to Rene 's house to watch this new color TV and got the ok , so Rene and I were off , we walked up the street , talking about everything and nothing at the same time . We were all of 5 years old . I couldn 't wait . We sat down in her living room turned it on and there I sat with my eyes full of excitement , only to see a black and white show on the screen . Rene started changing channels , but not matter which channel she went to , the show was black and white . I remember thinking , surely something is wrong with their new TV . Her Mom was there so I said , " Mrs . Taylor , how do you make the shows color , everything is still in black in white " . She kind of chuckled and said , " the show has to have been recorded in color in order for it to appear in color " . Well that didn 't make any sense to me at all , and I thought this thing is just a big waste of money . Having no patience at all as 5 year olds are , Rene and I were out the door to do something fun . I had declared at that time , color TVs were a waste of money in my young mind . I grew up looking at technology through those same eyes all of my life . I remember my first class I took at work about " the internet " . The class was a bomb and nothing worked as it was supposed to . I sat there at the age of 35 remembering my 5 year old experience and thinking " internet is stupid , it does 't even work " . Now here I am at 54 and my husband is making a living using technology and the internet . But the most shocking has to be the world I created on the internet . The 5 year old who thought color TV was a bust , has made hundreds of beautiful , real friendships on the internet . Who would have thought ! , certainly not me . I 've always been very open with my virtual social world . I 'm a trusting soul who has believed their entire life , my life 's experiences were not only real , but maybe more common then others let on . I 've always thought sharing would help me fit in and people would realize I was more like them then it appeared . I thought sharing might help someone else feel they were not the only one . So , sharing like I always have on social areas of the internet was nothing new for me , I 've always shared , the internet just gave me more platforms to do it and the ability to reach a lot more people . Through sharing and being real I connected with so many of you . I think the part that surprised me the most has been the stories many of you have shared about how my sharing had a positive effect in one way or another on your life . That definitely makes me feel my life had a purpose as ugly as it was at times . Knowing it had a purpose changes everything about how I feel about my past . If it had a purpose , then it was all worth it and sharing was the best thing I could have ever done with those experiences . It inspires me to continue sharing . As Mike has told you , I 've not been well . I know you have all reached out in every way you can to help and be TRUE friends . I think some of you would have come through the computer to help if you could . I have been going through a bad time , and I know many of you have wondered what has happened and you 've only been left with a lot of speculation . After I received so many beautiful cards and messages from many of you , I knew I needed to end the speculation and share with you all in my words what has happened . I don 't recall the exact day , but the day Mike shared I had suddenly become ill and he was taking over , the YT and FB were gone and basically so was I , was a really scary morning . I have always struggled with stress . Have you ever noticed in life , whatever your best quality is , is also your worst ? For me that 's very true , and my best quality is my ability to get a million things done , keep all my commitments , and not let anyone down . It 's also my worst quality . So that I can do my best quality , I never let my mind or body rest . I never say , " it can wait until tomorrow " . So I had this going on . Then there was all the social areas on the internet I was involved in . Some of that was getting very difficult for me . I put my heart and soul into everything I share and lay it on the table basically . On YT I had to turn my " thumbs up / down " off because I had haters who actually waited for my videos to pop up and they would thumbs down them immediately . I would always have a couple thumbs down within minutes . Only I could see them , but that was the point . And because my videos were different , I frequently had people who would go to older videos and criticize how I spoke , the backgroud noise , the stories I told , etc . They would be really mean , and despite what anyone would say to the contrary about ignoring them - words hurt , and they stay in my mind , because that 's just who I am . So , I had this factor going on . Then there was the desperation we have for needing help in the store . That 's been something I never thought would be so hard . First , I never thought the store would grow that large . But it did , and help was and is necessary . We tried local and long distance help , only to have it go south in every case . I won 't go into details but I will say in every case I made the mistake of taking what happened personally . The problem for me is , if it happens again the future , I 'm sure I will take it personally then too . It 's who I am . So , there was this aspect of my life to deal with . The store is an entity all it 's own . It 's probably the most misunderstood I would imagine . I can 't tell you how many times I would hear , " I think your little store will be a success " . I won 't get into numbers here , except for one . The store grew very fast as many of you who have been there since the beginning know . Mike was able to quit his job literally years before we ever expected , and we were able to live our dream by moving to the country years before we ever thought we would be able to . The store is in the top 2 % of all Shopify stores right now and from what we 've learned is the size of a store that should have a staff of about 7 - 8 people running it . It 's doing well , so well Shopify also wants to run a feature story on the succes of it . I always tried to make each and every customer feel they were the only one . That was good , because I wanted people to feel as special as they really are to us , and it was bad because there were times people were asking for things they would never ask a bigger store to do , not realizing we had become a bigger store , and they would get angry with me if I explained to them we just were not staffed to meet their request ( for example , I frequently had customers ask me to email them before ordering items from a company they liked , just to check if they needed anything , I would get asked to email customers when something they wanted would be coming in so they didn 't have to watch for it on their own or watch the " what 's in the store " videos . People got angy with me when they would ask me to update their account information and I would instead explain they can do that on their own , or re - booting their computer because something wasn 't working properly on their computer ) . I was noticing more and more , that because I had been very responsive and one - on - one with each customer , if anything was a bit confusing , or they had the smallest amount of difficulty , rather then try to figure it out themselves first , they immediately emailed me . With 1500 + customers it became impossible to please I didn 't just feel pulled in every direction , I was . The store receives at least 60 - 100 emails a day alone . I also had people with a lot of unrealistic expectations giving me grief in misdirected ways and at abusive levels , clearly saying things they would never have been brave enough to say in person . I had viewers on YT telling me what to make next , and HOW to make it . They would see an older project I had done and ask me to do one like it , but in a specific theme they were requesting . If I didn 't craft for a few days because I was swammped in every other area of my life viewers would start writing saying " you need to craft more " . That would really anger Mike . He saw how busy I was and couldn 't believe the requests and demands people were making . In every direction people were telling me all of " things I should be doing " to entertain them . The night before I became ill there was some challenges going on with someone who I had at one time thought was a good friend . I was getting emails that had a threatening tone to them , and it was just the end for me . I had not shared this with anyone , but I had begun having small panic attacks , they were manageable , but they had begun . After that night with the unpleasant emails , it just all came together like a storm and I woke up about 7 : 00am unable to breath and had pain in my chest like I was having a heart attack . Mike rushed me to the ER and fortunately it was not a heart attack , but it was by far the worst panic attack I have ever experienced . That was it for Mike , and now I 'm in the background . I don 't see any emails , the channel is gone , my world is now quiet and it feels really good . The only thing I miss is blogging , because I do love to write . I 've never had any demands put on me here , no one has ever asked anything of me , or requested I do something else here for their entertainment , so I may continue this , I haven 't decided for sure yet . It 's why I chose this format to share what 's been going on , why things are as they are , and to say Thank you . I want to Thank the many of you who have sincerely care about my well being . Those that have taken the time to send me a card to share their concern , or to share a little story about what my sharing helped them get through something , or a time in their life . All of this means more to me then you could ever image . I want to thank those of you who have only cared if I got better . I 'm getting better , but it 's a slow process . I 've been drained to complete emptiness and it will take a long time for me to recoup from that . I need time to take care of myself . I don 't trust even opening an email for fear of what it might say because I have no energy to deal with anything right now . It will take a long time to come back from this place I 'm currently in . It 's not a good place , but it 's my place right now and as dark as it is I know being out of the reach of demands is necessary . As I mentioned I miss writing . I don 't think I 'm up to writing often , and not sure if I 'm up to sharing my past , but as I do get there , I will have Mike let you know in an email through the store . Thank you again for supporting him in his efforts to run the store on his own . He 's done fabulous and and I 'm so proud of him . He 's also been a protective and wonderful husband . He 's my rock right now that 's for sure . You all have a wonderful week . We are leaving tomorrow morning for our much needed vacation . Mike loaded the store with all the product coming in this week and he told me he has a giveaway planned for his return . So enjoy the store as well while we are gone . Again , thank you for the cards , you just don 't know how special they are to me . My eyes about pop out of my head every time Mike brings them home from the Post office because there are so many ! ! ! My being gone doesn 't mean I love any of you less , I need to be gone so I can love you all more in the future ! Note : I 'm keeping this real , so this segment will include some mild profanity . If this is offensive to you , you might want to skip this segment . As I mentioned , I had listened to the phone call my Dad made to my Mom , and he was more then decent , I heard with my own ears ! I knew and still know what was said that night . I got in the back seat of the car and felt like a trapped rat . It was a 2 door so once they were both in , I was stuck . I really don 't know why they showed up like they did . As soon as the doors were shut my Mom spun around in her seat , pointed her finger in my face and said , " I want to know what you told your Dad because he made me out to be a Bitch on the phone last night " ? My immediate response was " I told him what 's been going on " . . . but what I wanted to say and didn 't feel I could was , " I was listening to the phone call and that 's a lie " . I didn 't feel I could say that though because I was still a kid and I wasn 't supposed to be easedropping on the call , it was all so twisted . I wanted to speak my mind , I was in a difficult situation , but had been taught to respect your parents . Yet I was dealing with a juvinille parent that did not deserve any respect . . . but at my age how to you explain all that to your parent ? How do you say , " you need to grow up and act like a parent " ? So , there I sat , trying to figure out the right things to say to avoid getting my face slapped off , literally ! I didn 't succeed , I took one good blow to the face by my Mom . There just was no right words , at least none that were coming to me . Finally after I don 't know how long she said to Butch , " Coming here was a waste of my time , get her out of this car so we can get the hell out of here " . So , released I was to go back inside . I was nervous and shaken by this to no end . Betty knew nothing good could come of what was going on outside and had already called my Dad . I guess ot avoid an even worse scene he had kept himself at bay , which was probably a good decision . I ended up taking a walk to the Station and just hanging out there for a while to relax and be in a safe place . Heck just standing there filling the soda machine felt good and gave me a chance to unwind . My Dad was pretty good about not asking too much . I had always been " drilled " by my Mom , which was horrible , so he just kind of made himself available . I 'm going to digress a bit and share just one example of how many of the things that happened changed people forever . At one point the daught my Dad and Betty had together got married and had a baby . Betty babysat this new baby often , while their daughter worked . I noticed if the baby cried my Dad would jump up and go right to her . I observed this one day and when he came back to sit down he said , " I just can 't stand hearing a baby cry " . I said , " really , why is that " . He said , " when you were a baby , and you cried , if I went to get up to see what you needed your Mom would yell - don 't you dare go in there , let her cry , she 'll eventually stop if no one comes in and she 'll cry herself to sleep , he continued - it used to just kill me to hear you crying and not be able to do anything about it " . The obvious question here is " why didn 't he just do what he wanted and tell her to take a hike basically " . . . To understand the answer to that question you would have had to walk in the shoes my Dad and I walked in . It just wasn 't that easy and the price was very high . And , of course their marriage ended not long after this , so he eventually decided to take necessary steps . Getting back to that day in the driveway - well it was the first day of a very long war . You see , it was not very cut and dry or very simple to just switch homes . My Dad had no custody of me whatsoever . Back in the 60 's as many of you know , it was most common for the Mom to just be granted custody , and the fathers just accepted it as normal , it wasn 't challenged so much back then . My Dad also was still obligated to pay child support per the Divorce decree . It got more complicated too , because if you recall , I was still not in school and the new season had begun a few days prior . And then there were things to deal with such as - all my belongings , I barely had more then the clothes on my back . Everything I owned was at my Mom 's condo . Despite all of this and more , as you can image , it was more then clear I was staying with my Dad . The first step was getting me in schoool . I now lived 30 - 40 minutes from my old school , so figuring out a way to keep me in that school wasn 't an option . My Dad went to the school district we lived in to enroll me and found out - wasn 't happening ! He just saw himself as my legal father , it didn 't dawn on him since he had no custody he couldn 't enroll me . So he came home that night to share that news and my stress level went off the chart . . . as a kid you can 't see any possible solution . What would happen here . . . the only option was to get my Mom to grant my Dad temporary custody and the school would allow me to be enrolled . I feared she would never agree . My Dad did manage to get her to agree to it , and I 'm guessing she only did because she was really fed up with me and knew in the end I had to be in school . So , by the end of the week I was in school . One thing accomplished . But there was so much more . My poor Dad was paying her each week still ! Because she was the legal parent , despite whether I lived there or not , he was obligated to pay child support . It didn 't take him long to secure an attorney to help sort things out and get legal documents changed and updated . In the mean time I needed my clothes . That 's a night I 'll never forget . . . we scheduled a time to go out there , when we arrived I was really happy to find my Mom and Michelle gone . Thank goodness they were smart enough to get her out of there . But oh boy was it uncomfortable . . we took big trash bags and as fast as we could fill them we were just grabbing drawers full of clothes and throwing them in bags . I remember my Dad looking at me and saying , " don 't worry , we 'll straighten them all out when we get back home " . I could tell he felt really bad for me . He knew no kid should ever have to do something like this , but it had to be done . We were in and out of there in about 15 minutes flat . When we got home my Dad did stand there at a table with me and together we folded my clothes nicely again . I had no furniture quite yet so I used a table . My Dad was trThings were crazy for a while . I started getting mail from my Mom . Not mail like you would think . . . she started sending " to me " , unpaid medical bills , she closed my little passbook savings account and I guess kept the month . I just got the little passbook we had as kids where we entered our birthday and christmas money in to learn how to be good savers . . . we 'll I got the passbook with the word " Closed " written inside and underlined about 3 times . I was upset over getting this stuff and my Dad was furious . The one thing he did I appreciate now was - rather then just handle this himself , he encouraged me to have my own voice . To explain I need to digress again for a moment . . . About a year before this all happened my Dad called one day all excited he had found a car for me . With owning the Station he ran across all kinds of cars and deals . Anyway , I had just turned 14 and to him that was almost 16 so he wanted to be ready with a car for me . . . he was like that . He had come across a 1970 Challenger . It was the old " Slime Lime " bright green color and it was a cool old hot rod . He was telling me all about it on the phone and of course I was excited . . . . " rule # 1 , never get excited or be happy " . I was busted . My Mom saw I was happy . . she grabbed that phone so fast and chewed his ass from here to next week . She told him " how dare he suggest a car like that , that 's not a car for a new driver , etc , etc . and how dare he not run it by her first ! ! ! End of story , I wasn 't getting THAT car " . Down the road she got a new car and decided her old car was suitable for me and gave it to me . It was not necessarily a cool car back then , but a desireable car these days . It was a ' 67 Impala . We had parked the car in my Grandmother 's garage . This was the Grandmother on my Dad 's side . Something worth noting . . the car was in a garage with no garage door . So there the car sat waiting for me to turn 16 . Back again to the mail I was receiving . . . . I said to my Dad , " I just want to mail her the keys to that car and tell her what I think , I 'm really sick of being treated this way and I don 't want anything she gave me " . He said , " then that 's what you should do . I 'll make sure you have a car , you don 't have to keep that one , and it 's okay for you to tell her how you feel in a respectful way " . That was the best thing he could have ever done . I sat down with a piece of paper and the keys to that car and I wrote her a note telling her how I didn 't want anything she had ever given me and she should stop what she was doing , that it was not right . My letter wasn 't that great , but it taught me I had a voice , was entitled to speak it if done properly , and I didn 't have to rely on someone to speak for me . I never looked back from that lesson . From that point on in life when something wasn 't right , I never looked for someone to take care of me , I knew I had my own voice and could take care of myself . About a week later my Dad drove me by my Grandma 's house and the car was gone . Life started shaping up . My Dad had a room built for me in the finished basement they had already . He had a closet made and there was already a full bath down there , so it became my safe haven . I loved it . I got furniture , school was going ok , and my Dad had found me a 67 Charger , which proudly sat in the driveway waiting for me to turn 16 which was just over a year away at this point . The wheels of the legal system turn slowly so we were still riding on the temporary custody letter and waiting for things to happen to finally make the custody change legal . In the mean time Michelle was not doing real well and my Mom decided I should come visit them - she decided she should have visitation ! So she presents this idea to my Dad , who in turn talked to me about it . Once again , I had a voice , as he left the decision up to me . He is the eternal optimist , as so am I , which I clearly get from him . He always held out hope my Mom would change and be the Mom he hoped she would be . I decided to go visit , but as you all know it was not for her or Butch , it was only for Michelle . I missed her an unimaginable amount , so a chance to see her , despite my Mom sounded really good . We planned which weekend would be the first that I would go visit . My Dad drove me out there and dropped me off . I was nervous and excited all at once . I was so happy to see Michelle . We were just inseprable . We hung out Friday night , then Saturday morning my Mom and Butch went somewhere and I was there with Michelle , having a great time doing nothing , when there was a knock at the door . I answered it and a man said , " does Patricia xxxx live here " ? I said , " yes , she does " . He handed me some papers and said , " give these to her and tell her she 's been served " . And before I knew it I was holding papers telling her she had to go to court . My heart was racing a million miles and hour . I had to get out of there and I had to do it fast , but my Dad was 30 - 40 minutes away . I called him in a panic , " Dad , Mom was just served with the legal papers and she 's not here , and they 'll be back soon , and I need out of here " . He knew I needed out of there too and said , " I 'm on my way " . There I sat with Michelle , who was only 7 , so I couldnt ' leave her , my Dad was on the way , and I didn 't know when my Mom and Butch would get back . . . . . . That weekend was spent in Theodosia , Missouri . A small town near Table Rock Lake in the Southwest Missouri Ozark area . It 's peaceful there and Betty had extended family in that area . We went there a few times a year to visit a couple relatives she was very fond of . I don 't really remember some of these people , but I do remember the warmth they extended to me . I remember the house I was in that weekend , it was owned by older relatives of Betty 's , so to me it felt like a " grandma " house . I was all of 14 so , who knows how old they really were . I do know I was up all night , every night pacing around , sitting in different rooms , thinking , crying , thinking . . . . . I did not know what to do most of that weekend . Tuesday I was supposed to be in school . . . somewhere , but I wasn 't yet . No one knew exactly what was happening yet . My Dad had no heard from my Mom , he had not called her , so nothing was figured out . It had been made very clear by Betty and my Dad that I was welcome to stay , and I 'll never forget what else was said , to this day I 'm sure this was Betty 's idea to throw in the conversation , but as they told me I was welcome , they also said , " but you can 't play us back and forth , in other words , you can 't decide you don 't like the rules here so you want to go back to your Mom 's , then when you don 't like it there , you want to come back " . I remember thinking . . . are either of you nuts , do you know what I 'm coming from . . . I looked at my Dad like " really " . . . I never really responded to that and my Dad said no more . Later that day I had decided my decision was going to be . . . to go back to watch out for Michelle . My heart could not find peace with any other decision . I knew it would be Hell , but I also knew it would be Hell for her because she would get the brunt of everything , there would be no diversion . Plus how would she ever understand at her young ag why I didn 't come back . So , I went upstairs ( I had been staying in the finished basement ) , and told Betty I had decided to go back because of Michelle . I remember how she looked shen I told her . She actually looked surprised and very concerned . It was almost as if it had finally sunk in on her how bad my life had been , and now I was coming to her with this decision . My Dad was at the " Station " as we called it . He owned a Shell Service Station 1 . 5 blocks away . Betty said , " don 't call your Mom yet , let me tell your Dad what your decision is , and let him call out there to talk to her for you before you do anything " . I agreed and went back downstairs . For the first time in many days I felt relieved . I knew this was the right thing to do even though I knew it would be bad . I actually started feeling a bit happy because I really missed Michelle and I had worried about her to no end . I couldn 't wait to see her . She was like my own child . I guess Betty called my Dad when I was downstairs . Later I came up and she told me she had talked to him and he was going to call my Mom . I didn 't give it a lot of thought . I figured this was just sort of a formality and I would be getting a ride from someone to go back at some point , besides I also needed to get into school . I had missed the first day already . That evening my Dad came home around 6 : 00pm as always , he sat down on the back stairs and started to take off his workboots . I went outside to see him as I typically did . He looked pained in his face . He would always say " hi kiddo , how are you doing ? " in a cheerful " happy to see you voice " , but this time even though he said the same words , they were not in the same tone . I didn 't really answer , I just said , " did you call Mom " . He said , " Yes , I did " . And then he was a bit quiet , as if searching for his next words . I look back on this time and although he was my Dad , and I didn 't realize it at the time , because he was older , he was only 33 handling this mess as well . He was running his own business , owned two homes , had two children , he had a lot going on . I anxiously said , " what did she say " . . . I remembered he looked down at the stairs for a very long minute , and then he looked up and said , " you won 't be going back " . I remember that feeling like it was just a few seconds ago . My heart sank , I couldn 't believe it , what would happen to Michelle , who would take care of her . So many thoughts were racing through my mind and my heart . I asked " why , what did she say " . I wanted to know what she said . He looked at me as if he wanted to hug me , but he wasn 't the huggy type , but there was so much saddness in his eyes , and said , " she told me if you thought you had it bad before , just wait until you come back , you don 't know what bad is " . He apparently had had enough , he had watched me go through the weekend , he knew how bad she could be so he apparently had finally spoke his mind . He continued , " I told her I wouldn 't send my damn dog out there with you " . And that was it . My decision was over and Michelle 's fate was sealed . The wind had left my sails and I just sat on the edge of the stairs and stared at the brick on the house . . . . now what . Now what turned out to be an understatement . . . . that night my Dad called my Mom to finalize the fact I was staying . I tip toed down the hallway and was listening to the phone call and I 'll never forget how nice my Dad was when he really didn 't have to be . He said things like " maybe she just wants to see how her Dad lives " , and " let 's face it Pat , in 3 or 4 years she probably won 't be living with either of us , and this is a chance for her to live here for a bit before that time comes " . . . He never yelled , he never said anything disrespectful . In fact he never said anything bad about her to me , he only showed understanding when I spoke to him about her behavior . The end . . . hardly . . the next day Butch was at the door unannounced and she was sitting in the car in the driveway . Of course looking back , they strategically showed up during the day when my Dad was at the Station . Betty answered the door and he apparently told her my Mom wanted to talk to me . She called me upstairs and I could tell she didn 't know how to handle the situation . She didn 't know what to do , so she just asked me if I wanted to go out there . I thought I had to . I thought since it was a parent wanted to speak to me , I couldn 't say " No " . So , outside I went and I got in the car . . . what a mistake this was . . . |
Really not a whole lot going on but I had to post on February 29th . I mean , how often does one get to do that ? It poured rain most of the day . As a result the library was almost empty . It was a nice break . We have a new intern ( Jasmine ) who is really good . Jerry has been giving her a lot of my work to do . As a result I am now LOOKING for work instead of trying to catch up . Things are pretty well done . Even my desk is completely cleaned off . This is a new thing for me . I have some ideas of things I would like to get done in the next few weeks , so I guess this is my opportunity . We were going to go to the Lenten service tonight , but when I came home Joe was sick again . I didn 't want to leave him home alone , so I stayed home too . I sure hope he gets over this soon . I asked him to call the doctor and get an appointment but he wants to " ride it out . " And I know from experience that I can 't force him to go . I 'll make the appointment and he just won 't show up . Like I said , it 's been a nothing week . Wish it were over though . I 'd like a day home to get some things done . Like sleep . Which is what I am going to do now . Good night everyone . I was feeling well enough to go back to work today . There was a pile of things waiting for me on my desk . Oh , it 's so nice to be indispensible . I scheduled myself for two hours on the desk today ( 12 : 00 - 1 : 00 and 3 : 00 - 4 : 00 ) . Wouldn 't you know they were the two busiest hours of the whole day ! For a Monday we were really busy . Lots of problems too . But I did get an awful lot done today . My desk is almost cleaned off . Although I am feeling better , I didn 't want Joe to miss all the fun so I shared my germs with him . He has been sick since Saturday night . He didn 't go to the doctor , though , because there is really nothing you can do except ride it out . I gave him a couple of my nausea pills and that 's about all he can do . We cancelled our Tuesday morning Bible study for tomorrow . There is no way he could do it . And I have a rare day that I can actually sleep in . I came home at lunch today to make sure Joe was OK and get him something to eat . It was so nice to get out of the place . It broke up the day and made it seem so much shorter . I worked 4 hours , had an hour away and then worked 3 hours . I have to do that more often . We had strange weather on Saturday . It was a bright sunny day in the morning . I got up and watched the sun rise ( took about 20 pictures because it was so magnificent ! ) . About 1 : 00 p . m . it started clouding up and the next thing I knew it was a blizzard . The snow was coming down so fast and the flakes were so large that I couldn 't see across the street . Then as quickly as it started , it was over and the sun came out . We had a magnificent sunset ( that I also took pictures of ) . Go figure that one out . Not a bit of snow on the ground . I will try to post those pictures later this week . Well that is it for my boring life . I 'm just glad to not be sick anymore . Posted by It doesn 't feel like Friday , though . I slept almost the whole day yesterday , so I lost Thursday altogether . I think I was awake for about 5 or 6 hours the entire day . But I am feeling so much better today . I was able to eat and not feel sick . I 'm glad I stayed home though . There is no way I could have gone to work and done my job . I lost 3 lbs . from all of this . Not the way I want to do it though ! Joe got up early this morning and went food shopping for us . He left at 7 : 00 a . m . and was home by 7 : 45 a . m . So fast ! He said there was almost nobody in there . Since all I did all day was watch TV and sleep , I really don 't have anything else to say . So instead I will show you my Friday View . Yesterday while eating breakfast Joe and I were looking out of the window . The clouds were so fantastic we just kept commenting on them . Finally I grabbed my camera and took some shots . Hope you enjoy them . Posted by Remember two weeks ago when Diane was out of work for Friday , Saturday , Sunday and Monday ? Remember last weekend when Sheila was out of work for Friday , Saturday , Sunday and Monday ? Guess who is out of work this week for Thursday , Friday , Saturday and Sunday . Yes , I have succumbed to the dreaded stomach virus . Thanks , guys , for being so generous and sharing with me . However , I do not have it as badly as they did . Thank you , Lord ! I had a dentist appointment today . I was feeling very sick and I was late getting there . The receptionist yelled at me . Makes me not want to go back , honestly . When I told the dentist I was sick , she decided not to treat me and rescheduled the appointment . I went right over to the new doctor 's office . I told the receptionist what was wrong , explained I did not have an appointment , and she fit me in . There are two doctors in the practice and I saw the doctor I had not seen last time . He is very good too . I also saw the nurse practitioner and she was great . I am really liking this practice . It was a good move going to them . They both said there is really nothing I can do except ride it out . But they called in a prescription for Zofran for me to the local pharmacy to stop all the nausea and gave me a note to stay out of work until Monday . Joe went and got the medicine for me while I was asleep and I never even knew he left the house ! He also got me some soup , pretzels and ginger ale . What a guy ! All I have done is sleep , which is probably very good for me . I just woke up about a half - hour ago and thought I would update this blog since I am feeling much better now . But I want to sleep some more . So that 's what I 'm going to do now . Goodnight . Another really busy day at work . Really , I wanted to just take that phone and rip it out of the wall . It never stopped . And everyone was asking the same question : " What are your hours today ? " Very frustrating . I did get a lot of stuff done , so it was a productive day . But all day I was thinking , " Let me out of here ! " Ever have one of those days where you just want to stay home in bed ? Sheila had been out sick yesterday . She came back to work today , but really shouldn 't have . She was still sick . Remember when Diane was out sick last week ? Well , Diane and Sheila had the same thing - - vomiting and diarrhea . Tonight when I got back from church I started feeling queasy and running to the bathroom . I hope I am not getting it . That would be just what I need ! Our neighborhood has a Council of Churches . Because all of the Protestant churches are small , they band together to have services and programs . Every year they have Lenten services each Wednesday for six weeks . Years ago ( and I do mean years ) I used to go to them all the time . But I haven 't attended for at least 10 years . This year we saw in the local newspaper that the first one was tonight and was at the Methodist church which is less than a block from our house . So instead of Joe going to our church 's Bible study and me sleeping , we went to the service . It was very nice . They sang hymns out of a hymnal ( something we never do at our church anymore ) , read scripture , had special music and a message . The pastor spoke on how Lent is not a time to do good things or give up something , but a time for reflection and repentance . Not a long message , but full of stuff to think about . Then they did something I have never seen done in a Protestant church - - they put ashes on people 's foreheads if they wanted it . Everyone went up but the Baptists . Of course being raised Baptist I didn 't go either . After that they had communion . Again , it was different than what I was used to . Everyone went to the front of the church , kneeled , and was given the bread and juice there and then went Posted by OK , so these are Krispy Kreme and I got Dunkin ' Donuts , but you get the idea . Today is Donut Day or Fat Tuesday . It is the day before Ash Wednesday where you pig out on donuts before beginning the Lenten Fast . It has been a tradition in my family for my whole life . My great - grandmother used to actually make donuts , but I am not that ambitious . I got the donuts for our Bible Study this morning . We were running late , so I dropped Joe off and then went and got the donuts and came back . When I walked in I was really surprised to see a full table with several new people . Ten people actually showed up ! We started off with two , so that is amazing . And it was a great study . We were talking about the attributes of God the Father . Everyone got into it . Lots of questions , lots of interaction . It was great ! There were some donuts left over , so I took them to work with me . I was really hungry , so I decided on my break that I would have one . The heart - shaped chocolate iced one with chocolate chips was calling my name . I took one bite , my boss walked in , said something to me , I jumped and the vanilla creme ( that I didn 't know was inside ) squirted out and all over the front of my black top . Aaarrrggghhh ! Jerry started laughing at me as I grabbed tissues to try to wipe the creme off of myself and the whole thing dropped in my lap onto my jeans . I had to go downstairs to the ladies ' room and get some soap and water to clean myself off . Then I had to sit there wet until my clothes dried off . That will teach me to be greedy . It was a very busy day today . The day after a holiday always is . At least I had four people in today so we each did 2 hours on the desk and were able to really work on the things we had to do . That was very good . I noticed that several people are concerned about the pain I had in my left arm , so I should explain . I lifted some heavy boxes at work on Saturday and must have pulled a muscle . It is fine now . It is not my heart , because I am such a scaredy cat that I thought of that immediately . But I was just in the EmePosted by You haven 't heard from me in a few days because there is absolutely NOTHING going on . Can you believe that ? It 's a holiday weekend and nothing is happening . I worked on Saturday . It was steady , but not busy . Marquita brought in donuts and Jerry brought in soft pretzels . We were pigging out all day . Diane was very sick and couldn 't come in so we were shorthanded , but it all worked out OK . Yesterday we went to church . I wasn 't feeling all that great and Joe had to talk to EVERYONE . I sat in the back and waited for him . I waited about 45 minutes till he was done talking . My left arm had started hurting at work on Saturday and the pain was so bad it kept me up almost all night . By Sunday it was making me nauseous . I took some pain killers and got to church , but I was still feeling bad . So I spent a lot of yesterday sleeping . That brings us to today . The pain is completely gone . But I am still very tired . I don 't understand why . The only thing I have done is meet my friend Donna for lunch . We went to the Mercer Cafe around where I work . I have not been there before . It is small , noisy , crowded and has great food . I had a burger and Donna had a crab cake sandwich which looked really good too . It was fun going out to lunch and not having to worry about the time to go back to work . Joe says he doesn 't feel well . It is almost 5 p . m . and he has not gotten up at all today . I got him a Coke to try to settle his stomach some , but all he is doing is sleeping . He wanted to go out to the Sprint store and to do the food shopping , but I don 't think that is going to get done . So that 's the story of my nothing weekend . Wish I had done something more interesting , but sometimes that is just how things go . I am going to get off of here and try to be productive now . Back to work tomorrow . Posted by Joe has still been having dizzy spells , but he felt well enough to come to work with me at dinner time last night . For some reason he cannot get on the internet at home so wanted to come and use the wifi at work . So he got to meet our new Library Assistant , Bob . They really hit it off . When we left at 8 p . m . he wanted to go to Chik - Fil - A . That is his new favorite place ever since he found out there was grilled chicken that he could eat . He is allergic to peanut oil and that is what they cook all their chicken in . So now he can eat there as long as it is grilled . Chik - Fil - A is a great place to eat . It is always such a pleasant dining experience . So I got a night off . I had off from work today since I am working tomorrow . Both Joe and I went to our new doctor . I wanted to meet him and let him meet me . I know I will need referrals soon and refills on medications and I wanted to see what he was like . Joe went because he is still so dizzy . He even fell off the scale when getting weighed and the nurse caught him before he hit the floor . I really like this new doctor . He is very much like my former doctor . He takes his time talking with you and is really interested in how you are feeling . A real family doctor . He even makes house calls if he really needs to . And he knows all my doctors at Aria Hospital which will make it really easy to get to see them . Besides that his office is only 2 blocks from our house . I think this is going to work out really well . So much better than the other one . When we were done , we ran some errands . Or I should say I ran the errands while Joe sat in the car . Finally I dropped him off at home and finished things up . The doctor thinks Joe is dizzy because he has had terrible allergies and has fluid in his ear . He gave him Anti - Vert to try to make him feel better until this all clears up . After all the running around we were both beat . I have not been sleeping well . So it ended up that we both slept the whole afternoon away . I had so many plans of cleaning and cooking today and got nothing done . WhenPosted by I had the best day today . It began with getting up after having only 3 hours of sleep to make Valentine cookies for Bible study . I took sugar cookie dough , added orange extract , rolled them into a heart shape and topped them with a candied red cherry cut in half . They tasted wonderful . Joe came downstairs as I was finishing up and gave me a beautiful card . It is probably the nicest card I have ever received in my whole life . It wasn 't fancy , but the the sentiment was wonderful and I ended up crying it was so nice . We headed over to church for the Bible Study . Our topic this week was The Trinity . There was a lot of interaction and was a really good study . I think one of the best so far . Only three people showed up . We gave each of the ladies a rose made out of feathers and the man a small container of Hershey kisses . I went to work and had a good day there also . I actually had time to get my desk completely cleaned off . I haven 't seen my desk clean in about 6 or 7 months ! Right around dinner time a man delivered my one red rose from Joe . Every year he gives me one red rose . The story behind it is the first year we were together , he was out of work , sick and had no income . He wanted to get me flowers , but couldn 't afford them . So he walked over to 7 - 11 and got me one red rose for a couple of bucks which was all he could afford . Because the rose showed his love for me , I asked him to do that each year . And he does . It is the thing between us that makes Valentine 's Day special , Here is my rose for this year . When I got home from work at 8 : 30 p . m . I told Joe to figure out where he wanted to go and I would take him to dinner . We decided to go to Applebee 's . Well we went , but we didn 't stay . At 9 : 00 at night the line was out the door and people were standing in the parking lot to get in . There was at least an hour wait for a table . So we went to the diner . It was almost as bad . We got a table right away , but the wait to take our order , get the food , get the check was terrible . The manager was out on the floor yelling at thePosted by My sister sent me this in an email . It 's so cute . I thought I 'd share it with you . Happy Valentine 's Day ! HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY ? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff . Like , if you like sports , she should like it that you like sports , and she should keep the chips and dip coming . * Alan , age 10No person really decides before they grow up who they 're going to marry . God decides it all way before , and you get to find out later who you 're stuck with . * Kirsten , age 10WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED ? Twenty - three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then . * Camille , age 10No age is good to get married at . You got to be a fool to get married . * Freddie , age 6HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED ? You might have to guess , based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids . * Derrick , age 8WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON ? Both don 't want any more kids . * Lori , age 8WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE ? Dates are for having fun , and people should use them to get to know each other . Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough . * Lynnette , age 8On the first date , they just tell each other lies , and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date . * Martin , age 10WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR ? I 'd run home and play dead . The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns . * Craig , age 9WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE ? When they 're rich . * Pam , age 7The law says you have to be eighteen , so I wouldn 't want to mess with that . * Curt , age 7The rule goes like this : If you kiss someone , then you should marry them and have kids with them . It 's the right thing to do . * Howard , age 8IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED ? I don 't know which is better , but I 'll tell you one thing . I 'm never going to have sex with my wife . I don 't want to be all grossed out . * Theodore , age 8It 's better for girls to be single but not for boys . Boys need someone to clean up after them . * AnitaKathy Today 's sunrise was so beautiful . Finally after all the clouds and snow I got a pretty shot . It was a beautiful sunny day but very cold . It was only 22 degrees when I went to church this morning . Last night I stayed up late baking a sugar - free apple pie for the Agape Feast at church today . ( Agape is the Greek word for the kind of love God has for us . ) I got about 3 hours sleep and then got up and baked a Pumpkin Dump Cake . I got the recipe from my blogging friend Bonnie at What About Pie . Then I got ready for church and finally made my green bean casserole . I got to church as the service was ending . Our stoves at church are not working . My friend , Dorothea , cooked the whole thing at her house and then the men of the church went and got it and carried it down the street to the church . Good thing she lives close . So I decided to wait until the last minute and take the beans over hot so there would be that much less to worry about heating up . Since all of our messages are taped , I will watch it later this week when it gets put up on our website . I invited my friend , Carol , from work and she showed up for the lunch . There were about 30 people there and enough food to feed an army . I took only three pictures because I got so caught up in talking with others and eating . After everything was cleaned up , we set up for our Tuesday morning Bible study . Instead of having separate round tables , we now have one large oblong table . Caity ( the one in the pink suit and dark glasses above ) is very artistic and she set up the table with a red tablecloth and pink heart doilies . Very pretty . This afternoon I crashed for about four hours . I really needed the sleep . Now it is late again and I need to get some more sleep so I can get up for work tomorrow . It 's been a good day . I can 't believe it 's another week gone already . It seems as if I was just writing about Friday and here I am again . This has been a good week . Having another person at work has helped me tremendously . There is , of course , an adjustment period . We all have to get used to each other and find a good way to work together . But I am very encouraged . Today was my day at the Fishtown Branch . What a difference . For the last few months I have been the only Library Assistant there and have sat at the desk for four hours at a time . Today I was on there two hours total . It was kind of strange . Joe got the results of his x - rays . His hand / wrist are not broken . Everything looks fine . That is the good news . The doctor we have been seeing called and said it was probably nothing , put some ice on it and take some aspirin . He wouldn 't even see him . So on Thursday , Joe went to the new doctor we will be seeing . The doctor took one look at his wrist and said it was a torn tendon . He told him to take some Aleve , keep it in a brace for several hours a day and to use a sling when he went out . He told Joe that it will be very painful for a few weeks , but it will heal . He is also working with Joe to get his cholesterol and diabetes under control . He sounds like a good doctor . I have an appointment with him on Friday to meet him , have him look me over following my ER visit and give him my records . I think this will work out . I 'm very tired , so I 'll just end this for now with my Friday View . Look at these pretty roses . Aren 't they beautiful ? They are my collection of wooden roses . Yes , wooden . The wood is shaved paper thin and is rolled up to make the rose . I am always amazed at how clever people are . Tomorrow is going to be a long day . It is supposed to snow here and I still have to go to the store to get the ingredients to make an apple pie and a pumpkin dump cake for the luncheon at church on Sunday . Sunday morning I have to get up early and make a green bean casserole . It 's a busy weekend . CAMP CONFIDENTIAL - - BOOK ONE : NATALIE ' S SECRET by Melissa J . MorganAbout the book : Eleven - year - old Natalie Goode is a total city girl , way more interested in fresh sushi than fresh air . So she 's less - than - thrilled when her mother ships her off to sleepaway camp for the summer . Before long , though , Natalie notices that despite the sticky mess - hall benches and the spiders in the shower stalls , there are some pretty cool girls at Camp " Lake - puke . " If she can loosen up and let them in , she might just enjoy herself - - unless , of course , the secret that she 's been keeping gets in her way . . . . My thoughts : This is book one of a series I read some time ago . It 's billed as a children 's book and I guess it is , but the story line is excellent . The characters are well done , fleshed out , and you feel as if you have gone to summer camp and are in bunk 3C with them . Some you hate , some you love and some you just aren 't sure of . A blast from the past and a good quick summer read . Highly suggest it for the pre - teen girl in your family . Well , folks , I had this done . It was even published . Then I went back to correct something and the whole thing was erased . I am so frustrated . But with the way this day has gone , it just figures . I am going to try to recreate it . This morning Joe was in too much pain to go teach his Bible Study . He asked me to take over for him . I didn 't really mind because I like keeping my hand in teaching . Six people showed up today . Pastor Justin had asked us to go over the 28 Articles of Faith of the Bible Fellowship Church . Today was the first one : The Holy Scriptures . I spoke on the inspiration and inerrancy of the scriptures . I told them that nothing could be added to the Bible and to watch out for people who did that . Two of the people there were Catholics and were very upset with me . But I can only tell them what I believe and I 'm not going to say just anything in order to smooth things over . I must have been interesting enough , though , because they said they are coming back next week . After the study I went to the doctor 's office and picked up the script for Joe to get an x - ray of his wrist . Then we headed out to the hospital . We didn 't have to wait too long . The technician said they would read the films and send a report to the doctor and he would call Joe . No call yet , so we don 't know if it is broken or not . I dropped Joe off at home and headed for work . I was only an hour and a half late . I 'm glad we have Bob there now so that Diane was not by herself . Today is the first of three days where our computer system is down while they do an upgrade . There are a lot of things we can 't do and people are not happy . Speaking of not happy , remember the couple I told you about that came in and laid down on the window seat , reading aloud for hours ? They were in today and the girl was on the computer . The guy sat down at the computer next to hers . Someone else was scheduled to use that computer and when she arrived , she asked him to move . He refused . Jerry ( the boss ) told him he would have to move over and he again refused . Then he Posted by We had a new person join the staff at Richmond Library today . His name is Bob and he got transferred to us from the Independence Branch . I am SO happy . He is happy to be there too . Bob started with the library three years before I did , so technically he is not new . He also lives a block from the branch and is going to be saving about $ 80 in carfare each month because he doesn 't have to take the train to get to work . That 's a real plus for him . I 've known and worked with him off and on for about 12 years or so which makes it really easy having him around . And is he ever a worker - - always wanting to be busy . What a pleasure ! It is so wonderful to have enough people to staff the branch . For the first time since I was promoted I have actually had the time to really do my job . I didn 't have to switch hats midday from my new job to my old job to try to get everything done . I think I am going to be enjoying my job more because I won 't be so stressed out all the time . Yesterday the handle on the faucet in the bathroom sink broke . Joe glued it together and put it back on , but he was afraid it wouldn 't last , so we went to Home Depot and got a replacement . When he got it home last night , it didn 't fit . Tonight we returned it and he looked and looked for the right one , but couldn 't find it . So we went across the street to Lowe 's and he found a set he thought he could use . When we got home , he put them on and they fit . It looks like a new faucet now and cost less than $ 10 . While we were out , Joe said he wanted to buy me dinner because I was so tired . We went to Chik - Fil - A because it was in the same shopping center as Lowe 's . Even though I had eaten there on Saturday , I still loved having dinner there . Joe has not been able to go there because they cook everything in peanut oil and he is allergic to it . I found out when I was there on Saturday that they have grilled chicken which has no oil on it . He was able to eat that . We love eating there . The atmosphere is so great . Now I am home doing a load of laundry and getting ready to gKathy I just can 't seem to stay awake at night long enough to write my blog . Even though I was at the Fishtown Branch yesterday which is usually very slow , it was busy . What 's going on here ? And once again I was the only Library Assistant there until 2 p . m . which meant that I sat at the front desk from 10 - 2 . That 's a very long time . I guess having a lot to do was better than just sitting there . And I did have short spurts of down time where I was able to write my " Groundhog Day " entry . Yesterday was pay day so Joe took me to dinner last night at the diner . The food was very good . But everything is changed there again . This place keeps reinventing itself . I guess they are having money problems because their Early Bird Special dinner is gone and their menu went from four pages to two . They don 't even have the specials page in there anymore . It is on a board when you walk in and they have about 10 handwritten copies of it which they hand out one per table when you walk in . Joe had fish cakes and I had meatloaf . Because my lunch wasn 't until 2 : 00 I wasn 't really hungry so brought a lot of dinner home . But that 's a good thing . Lunch for tomorrow after church . There is a farmer 's market at the farm today . I am leaving in a half - hour to pick up my girlfriend Debbie and we are heading out there . Then we are going to Chick - Fil - A for lunch . With our crazy schedules Debbie and I don 't see very much of each other anymore , so this will be fun . Joe 's wrist is much worse today . Now the pain is all up his arm . He got the earliest appointment he could with the doctor which is next Thursday afternoon . ( I said it could have been sooner because he didn 't tell them how bad it was , but I 'm not going to argue with him about it . ) At least it 's better than " I 'll see you in three weeks . " I called the previous doctor yesterday and cancelled my appointment for Tuesday . The girl asked if I wanted to reschedule and I said , " No . Actually I 've changed my insurance and I 'll be seeing another doctor . " She said OK like it was nothing to her . She didn 't even ask why . From what I hear a lot of people are changing . At least the new doctor we chose is associated with Aria Health where I go for all my cancer , cardiac and other treatments . I was not going to change all my doctors mid - stream . Well I have to be running so here is your Friday View ( even though it 's Saturday ) . Every morning when I go to take my sunrise picture , Jenny joins me on the windowsill and I have to shoot around her . I stepped back the other day and got this picture of her . It just reminds me of an illustration from an old story book . I really like how it turned out . Another really busy day at work yesterday and I ended up falling asleep before I could write my blog . I took Joe to the VA Hospital and he went to see if his doctor could see him to evaluate what is going on with his wrist . He doesn 't know what he did to his right wrist , but the bone is sticking out and his hand and part of his arm are swollen . He says it is very painful . The doctor would not see him because he didn 't have an appointment . He was told to go see the nurse . We went to the place to make an appointment to see the nurse . They took his information then told us to have a seat . We waited and waited . A guy came in from seeing the nurse and was all upset because he was there thinking he had pneumonia and she wanted to give him a shot for Hepititis B . He didn 't have hepititis . Joe looked at me and said " We 're out of here . " We went home and Joe called our primary doctor . He was told the doctor did not have time to see him and just go to the emergency room . Joe said that it cost $ 200 on our insurance to go there and asked if he could just have a referral to get an x - ray . The nurse said no , he couldn 't do that . So Joe hung up . I was angry . I went to work , but was still upset about this . So I called my insurance company and told them what happened and asked to change doctors . We are now going to go to a doctor who is two blocks from our house . I won 't have to take time off from work to drive Joe there , he can walk it . He has been to this doctor before and says he is good . He is calling to make an appointment to see him this morning . I am not staying with a doctor who won 't even see you when you are sick or injured . Enough of my ranting . Just had to get that out . So yesterday was Groundhog Day and Phil saw his shadow . Six more weeks of winter , even though it 's been feeling like spring around these parts . Cold today though . Here is the link to Phil 's exploits . The poor groundhog looks so scared with all those cameras flashing at him . How could he help but see his shadow with those bright lights ? Have a good day everyoPosted by Here is another of the pictures on the cute calendar my sister gave me . Love or chocolate ? I already know Joe loves me , so give me the chocolate . Especially with the way work has been going lately . Yesterday was the busiest day I can remember in a long time . We usually have 300 - 400 people a day come in the library . Yesterday we had almost 800 ! With just Diane and I there for most of the day it was really rough . And everyone had a problem . They were all what Sheila ( the children 's librarian ) called " needy " . " Can you help me with this ? " " I can 't get on the internet . " " Do you have this book ? You don 't ? Well who does ? Can you tell me how to get there ? Do you have their phone number ? " And people needing not only change for dollars , but tens and twenties . Do they think we 're a bank ? We all went home very , very tired and cranky . I ended up with another headache . Today I had to deal with the mistake I made on the cash drawer . I spoke with one of the financial / computer people . She told me that it is a common mistake and I wouldn 't be in trouble but I had to write a full explanation on the deposit summary I had to send in . She told me what to say and said that she would back me up if there was a problem . I had sent emails to her , my boss knew about , and I wasn 't trying to hide anything . Also , it 's the first time in more than 3 years that something like this has happened . I told her if I was going to pocket some money it would be a lot more than $ 5 . She agreed I wouldn 't risk being fired for 5 bucks . So . . . . chocolate . Sounds so good right now . I love milk chocolate , but am not a big fan of dark chocolate . However , I was in Rite Aid the other day and saw some Dove bars on sale for Valentine 's Day . I bought them and took them to work . I was very popular . Now that I have chocolate on the brain , I think I will go make myself a cup of hot chocolate and then go to bed . I have to get up early tomorrow to take Joe to his doctor 's appointment at the VA Hospital . His wrist is still hurting him ( in fact getting more painful every day ) so he is going to try to see an orthopedic doctor there as well . I 'm going to need that hot chocolate . Hi , I 'm Kathy and I live in historic Philadelphia , PA . I 've been married for 10 years to Joe , my best friend . Being the oldest of 10 children I have lots of family and absolutely love it . I retired in January 2016 so I am finding my way through being a stay - at - home wife after spending 20 years working for a public library system . Come along with me as I explore my new role as a homemaker . It is never dull in my world . |
I unpacked 16 boxes in the kitchen . My back hurts . I can not look at another box . I think I 'll try mowing the lawn . I 'm not done with the kitchen . . . no I 'm not . There are at least another 6 boxes to go . But I just will not go back to the boxes ! ! ! I washed out the kitchen cabinets and began to unpack all the kitchen stuff . It 's a pretty big job . It 's going to take me all day . It 's really beautiful outside . The kids are at the soccer field playing . They go back to school in less then 2 weeks . Summer vacation has been mostly work for them . I 'm glad they are finally able to play ball , and ride bikes . The battery went dead on my cell phone . I can not find the charger . Juergen came home at lunch to check in on us . How sweet ! He would rather be home I know . Jessica is also spending more time outside of her room . That means she is adjusting . Ok , it 's back to the kitchen . Posted by Juergen stayed up late putting the cork floor in our office . Then we put in our desks and storage shelves . I don 't have a phone ( I think they come tomorrow ) . I have to unpack , but I now have my desk . My camera is with my office stuff . Maybe I 'll find it today ? but my first priority will be cleaning the kitchen cabinets , and unpacking the kitchen . It isn 't 100 % set up . The supply company messed up our order . The small countertop piece for the sink is missing . The handyman cut a piece from our old countertop and gave us a temporary sink . And we need 2 more cabinets and a few cosmetic details . But it is going to be a really nice kitchen ! With the new countertop , cabinets and instillation it probably cost us 3000 Euro . But a new kitchen would have been 12 , 000 Euro . So I 'm sure we did the right thing by moving it . I 'm going to be glad to finish this whole renovation , move thing ! I 'll be happy to just live for awhile . But it 's been a good thing . Philip spent most of the day building kitchen cabinets with the handyman . he really seems to have a future in this direction . Philip has learning problems . Like any mother I 've worried about his future . We moved here for many reasons , but one benefit has been Philip 's opportunity to developed " handyman " skills . I also watched Sarah riding her roller in our drive way yesterday . The kids took cardboard and built a fort in the garden . Thomas and Philip set up their guitars on the terrace last night . They were going to give a concert . It was too late , and the neighbor has a small child . I told them to take the guitars to their rooms . but the terrace does look like a stage . I 'm impressed by the freedom and creativity they are showing . They had no room in Leimen . It was such a good decision to move . Boxes take up most of the floor space in our house . It 's been really hard to walk . But I keep putting stuff away . Little by little I am seeing the floors again . I can see the light at the end of the tunnel ! I may have a kitchen by the end of the day . A huge number of the boxes belong to the kitchen . I put away the sheets and blankets . That gave me space in the upstairs hall . I put away 2 boxes of DVD 's and videos . Now I can see more of my office . It 's sort of like a giant puzzle . You have to put together cabinets , then you can fill them . That gives you the space to put together shelves . . . and then clear more boxes . The garage is set up , but the concrete floor has to be painted . Once that 's finished I can set up the shelves and put the garden stuff away . I have boxes of bathroom stuff stacked up . I 'm waiting for Juergen to pick up the wardrobe I bought on eBay . He will build shelving into that wardrobe then I can put the bath stuff away . I could have kept Juergen very busy this week . Too bad he had to go to work . But the handyman that 's setting up the kitchen seems to be doing a good job . We hope he can put in the remaining floors in our office , Jessica 's TV room , and Philip 's room . We also need doors for the boy 's rooms . That will require some brick work . Then there are a few things to be done at the old house . I hope he has the time for us . I will be so glad to see an end to this mess . Yes , I know we have only moved a week ago . It seems longer . I 'm sure having a kitchen will make a very big difference ! Posted by One of the first things I boxed up and placed in the storage room was the photo 's I had framed on our walls . All my photo 's got wet , and full of mold . I had to toss all these photo 's and the frames ( about 30 pictures ) . I have them all on my computer and they can be replaced . A box of the kids art also got a little wet . But there wasn 't any mold on the frames or art . These things could never be replaced . I had pictures Nicole drew when she was 3 , and the first thing Philip and Thomas ever drew for me . I wiped the frames with an anti mold cleaner . I 'm so grateful I did not lose these pictures ! But I feel really sick from the mold . I took a shower and changed my cloths . I have a terrible headache . Juergen is working on the kitchen but I 'm going to bed . Posted by We got our new garage built today . It went up in only a few hours . The foundation was poured last week . I 'll use this garage for all my garden tools . The lawnmower , wheel barrow , pots and dirt . It will be my own personal workshop . They still need to go to Leimen to pickup the door my brother Rick painted . They will charge us 200 € to switch doors , but there was no question we want the painting ! I also plan to build a covered pergola off the garage . I want the kids to store their bikes under the pergola . We may get a woodstove someday . A stack of wood can also be stored there . And of course I want grapes and roses and even kiwi ( just like in Leimen ) . I took the kids to see Rio in 3D . They have a special summer program at the theater for kids . They show " older " films at a lower price . So I dropped Philip , Sarah and Thomas off to see Rio . Then Jessica and I went to IKEA to buy storage boxes for Thomas ' Lego . I bought Jessica a snack . Then we picked up the kids . We went to Leimen to take out the trash . I also checked the basement . It seems like it is dryer , not worse ! The people can not come until Thursday to deal with the cleanup . But at least it 's not worse . Juergen is picking up the new counter tops for the kitchen . The kitchen will be installed ( God willing ) tomorrow ! There are also people coming tonight to even out Philips floor . Perhaps Juergen can even lay down Philip 's floor tomorrow after work ? Juergen seems very anxious to get the house finished . He doesn 't look tired at all … just driven . I think it will be pretty livable in a week ! I will be glad to have some order back . Posted by Juergen is back at work today . Our garage is suppose to come today . I also want to take the kids to the movies . I 'm doing laundry and unpacking . Apart from that , life is getting back to " normal " . Tomorrow we may have our kitchen in . That will be a big deal ! And Saturday Juergen has to go pick up the living room set I won on eBay . I hope its nice . I should not have bid on it without asking him first . We can not go forward on Philip 's room until they even the floor out . So Philip is without a room . Thomas will not share his room because Philip gets on his nerves . I guess that 's Philip 's fault ! I suppose we can set up the tent in Philip 's room . He can sleep there for now . I want him out of the living room . These are all small matters . And we need to have a " water " guy come cleanup the damage in our basement in Leimen . Juergen thinks it was a damaged rain gutter that caused the trouble . God willing , The Leimen house will be fixed up in the next weeks . . . in our " free time " . So yes , life is a little busy for now . I 'm encouraged because I see progress . I think it will be amazing how much will get done in the next month . I hope it will be a productive month ! Posted by I enjoyed going to church today . Afterwards We went to our old house to pick a few things . There is a problem with water in the basement . It looks like a rain gutter got blocked and the one storage room got wet . We need to have it checked and fixed . Hopefully it 's nothing major . We have never had water trouble before . We took the house off the market for the next month . We will fix it up before trying to sell or rent it . We want to take most of our plants , and replace them with grass . We want to paint and in a few rooms put up fresh wallpaper . We also want to have the wood floors redone and put in new floors in many of the rooms . We think we can hire someone to do most of this work . I 'll do most of the painting and garden work . It will either make it easier to sell , or prepare it to be rented . If we rent it , we can write off the cost of renovation . We hope to sell , but we are pretty realistic about the housing market . Maybe God just wants us to keep the house , or He is keeping it for someone special ? I feel peace . Our new house is a mess . It 's going to be a mess for at least one more week . But I 'm sure we will eventually bring it into good order . I 'm not doing anything today but resting . I watched a movie with the kids . I 'm dreaming , not stressing . I 'm sorry Juergen has to go back to work . He is sad about that too . It 's been nice having him home for 4 whole weeks . They were stressful but good weeks . We both love our new house . It doesn 't really feel like we live here yet . But I 'm sure it will feel real in time . Anyway , I just wanted to check in . We should have a phone in a few days . Until then I will be back at work unpacking all the stuff . Maybe I 'll find my camera ? Posted by We don 't have our phone yet . I 'm using an internet stick . It 's actually pretty cool . You have this small stick that connects you to the internet for a flat rate of 2 € per day . I don 't have any time to be on line . And the connection isn 't very good . I don 't actually know where my camera is yet . sorry I don 't have photo 's yet . Until we get a kitchen , the boxes are still pretty much everywhere . I 'm not sure I want any photo 's of this mess ! I hope that there will be enough order by the end of the week . . . about the time we get our phone . then I 'll be glad to show you some before and after shots . Today we tried to put the floor in Philips bedroom . It did not work because the floor is too uneven . We need to have the floor evened out a little first . This may need a day or 2 to arrange . Juergen did hand curtain rods in Sarah 's room , the upstairs hallway and the office . I bought the curtains and hardware for the living room and kitchen . I did allot of laundry . I also put allot of things away in the basement . I bought frames for star wars posters I had bought for Thomas . His room is looking better and better . We need to put a floor in the basement hallway . The dust there tracks into the boys rooms . So this week I 'm going to finish the basement walls . I need to finish the walls before we have a floor put down . I would like the same terracotta we have in the upstairs hall . I think we can lay a cheep linoleum down in the laundry room and storage rooms . But the dusty old concrete can not be kept clean . I wouldn 't care if the boys were not sleeping there . We are also going to check the price of replacing the glass in our old windows . We love the old window frames , but we can get glass that has better insulation . It has been very hot , but today the tempter dropped . Winter is not very far off . We need to consider the cost of heating this place ! The kids have been playing very well here . We have not hooked up the TV . We are thinking of not hooking it up . Maybe we will just have the DVD player , no TV . we don 't need the time waster ! Amy I was really tired today . I think it all caught up to me . . . all the work . I even took a short nap . But we still made good progress . We finished painting Philip 's room with graffiti . That was a blast . Philip , Thomas , Sarah and Nicole sprayed up his walls . Philip painted a giant cross on his ceiling . It was his idea , and he was very proud to show it to me ! And Thomas and Juergen put in a Cork floor in Thomas ' bedroom . It 's really nice ! It is warm and soft and quite . The boys will sleep in Thomas ' room tonight . We hope to finish Philip 's floor tomorrow . We also need to put a floor in the hallway , otherwise there is too much dust . Nicole is at camp . There are storms outside . Please pray they will all be safe and dry this week . OK , Juergen wants his computer back . Just checking in . Maybe we will have a phone by September 1st ? Posted by I work so hard everyday and fall into bed everynight . But when the morning comes my brain starts to process the large list of things to do and I can not sleep in . I don 't really feel like I 'm living here yet . I feel like I 'm just working here . I think normal will only come when I can walk in the house and not run into boxes . How long does it take to unpack 500 boxes ? I hope less time then it took to pack ! Nicole goes back to camp today . She will be a councelor for a week . I pray it goes well , and lives are changed for good ! We will keep working on the boy 's rooms . I hope they can be finished this weekend . I 'm still using Juergens computer . I don 't know when our phone will be hooked up . Everything in time ! I found my toothbrush , I found some clean cloths and now I need to find coffee ! Posted by Juergen has an Internet stick so I 'm using that . It 's been an over whelming few days . The move went well , but it was a bigger job then I imagined . I wanted to kick myself for not being more organized . The truth is I 'm not just moving myself ! And Jessica for example wouldn 't even come into the house . She wanted to sit in the garden on the hottest day of the year . It was so frustrating ! We had help from some really wonderful friends . My heart is blessed from the friends . We have made some good progress in the past few days . I 'll be happy to be able to share photos when I 'm back online in a few days . We will not have a kitchen until next week . We need help with the pipes and we can not get that until next week . So we are trying to finish the boys bedrooms . It 's hard to find the energy to keep working hard everyday . I 'm really tired . The kids are playing all day long . They basically can not do more . They have given it all they could . But they love the garden . They play well . It 's pretty great to see . Our TV isn 't hooked up , but we don 't miss it . It 's been a very hot day , and now we are getting a pretty good storm . I only wanted to take a minute to say we are alive . We are trying to dig our way out of boxes . I haven 't been back to Leimen to make any calls . Sorry . I 'm probably going to be overwhelmed for a few more days or weeks . Lets hope it 's only a few days . We are trying the best we can . Posted by Well , it was very hot and pretty hard , and we are not finished . it had to be the hottest day of the year . Also , it 's summer vacation and in the middle of the week so we didn 't get much help . I do praise God for the friends that did help us . I 'm very grateful ! ! ! ! I feel very sorry we didn 't get much help because they all had to work over time . And we thought we were done packing , but we weren 't . Jessica was over the top Autistic . She did not want to leave the car . But you can not leave anyone in a car on a day like today . It was extremely frustrating . That 's an understatement . The movers we hired where awesome ! ! ! They worked very hard and did an excellent job . We are working late trying to get all the rest ready for them to move . But we won 't get it all finished . There will still be a few things we will need to return for . All the garden stuff for example . The renovation took too much of our time . We just were over our heads in work . And we will be over our heads for a while longer . We have so much to put away . . . and so much to clean . But the house is amazing ! We aren 't done with the boys rooms . . . but we will get to that too . It all seems so messy , kind of like birth . We will not have a new phone until Sept 1st . I 'll send the new number out to my friends and family . I can still get e - mail . I will also call my parents God willing tomorrow night . We have a phone at this house , but I 'm going to be mostly at the other house . I wish we where better at this whole moving thing . We are pretty unorganized I 'm afraid . But it isn 't so easy to move such a big ship ! Maybe we really do it all well ? It 's just such a difficult task ? I don 't know . What I know is we have gotten through this day . And I guess that is the worst of it . So goodnight . Please keep praying for us . We need the help ! I 'll try to keep posting . I 've got to keep returning to our house in Leimen to clean and move plants . I was over my head in boxes today . so many boxes I can not breath . It was also the hottest day of the year . I was sweating so much the salt hurt my eyes . And you take a shower , and feel just the same when you get out . I also made and bottled the last of our grapes . I made 16 beautiful bottles of juice . I hope to use the juice at our house warming party in October . Juergen and a friend took apart cabinets . Our house is a mess ! The movers come at 7am tomorrow . Juergen will be here . I 'll take the kids to the new house . Nicole , Jessica and I took breakable stuff like my china dishes to the house this afternoon . I actually used the colors in my china as inspiration for all the paint in the house . Juergen gave me those dishes about 8 years ago ( our first Christmas in Leimen ) . I 've always loved those Mediterranean colors of blue , terracotta , green and yellow . Now those colors are on the wall of a real villa . How cool is that ? Nicole , Jessica and I also went to IKEA to buy some of the furniture I want for Philip and Thomas ' rooms . They needed shorter cabinets because the basement walls are short . The boys can maybe build a cabinet or 2 tomorrow . Their rooms aren 't finished yet . But they need something to do tomorrow . I will be too busy to keep them busy . I hope I can sleep . These photo 's are from yesterday . We all went to the house today to hang wallpaper and paint . We still need to paint one wall in Thomas ' room , and hang the photo wallpaper in Philip 's room . But I think we can finish their rooms before the end of the week . A friend told Juergen we should have their furniture moved to a room in the basement ( the heating room ) . Then when we are finished with the boys rooms we don 't need to carry the furniture very far . Great idea ! We have added a few more friends to help us on Tuesday . I am so blessed for the friendship , and the help . It was also fun to watch Philip and Sarah spend about an hour chasing grasshoppers in the garden . Later Philip , Thomas and Sarah played with their Nerf dart guns . Nicole said she couldn 't wait for the snow forts and snowball fights we can have this winter . Juergen went to pick up the table I bought on eBay for the kids . The problem is the table is too good for a Lego table . We are going to use it in the kitchen instead ! It 's really nice ! And I won the living room set today too ! I also won another bid on an old wardrobe I think I 'll use in the hallway upstairs . I 'll put bath towels and extra toilet paper in that cabinet . The only problem is finding time to pick these things up . I need to stop bidding on eBay . I think it would be very cool to buy and sell antiques . I could buy them here and ship them to America . That would be a very cool job ! But shipping them to America ? I 'm not so sure how I could do that . I need to stop the bidding , I 'm running out of space . If we decide to run a vacation house ( if we can not sell ) I 'll bid away ! I do hope we can sell . . . but just in case I know just the place to shop . I think the only reason I 'm winning bids is because it 's summer vacation . Everyone is out of town . I generally lose my bids on eBay . Posted by Look what I won on eBay ! It 's for my living room . I got the whole set , 2 chairs and the cabinets for 163 € . We have to rent a van and drive 2 hours away , but isn 't it cool stuff ! I 'm resting this morning . I drank a coffee and watched Derek Prince preach . Juergen and Nicole are helping to teach the kids service today . I made one big pot of grape juice , and I 'll make one more . That isn 't really hard . I enjoy it . And I 'll cook some easy Mexican food . It will most likely be the last thing I cook in this house . I 've already packed the dishes . We need to use paper plates . I finished packing my books today . I have about 12 boxes of books . Juergen has another 6 boxes . We will have a real library in our house . We have decided not to share our office with Nicole . Instead we will put a sofa sleeper in the library . Juergen will finally have a home for his guitars . Only the VIP guests like my parents will get Nicole 's bedroom . Everyone else gets the sleeper sofa . Of course all of are guests are important . But my dad can know long climb up stairs . A good friend of mine said people probably wouldn 't want to stay with us if they knew we where kicking Nicole out of her room . So perhaps we will get more visitors if they know they are not kicking anyone out of their room ? Anyway , it will be a very cool guestroom , office , library and music room . We hung up the giant dandelion wallpaper . It is a very fun space ! I think we will try to finish the wallpaper in Philip and Thomas ' bedrooms . I may also do some cleaning . I don 't generally like to work on Sunday , but we have a deadline . But hanging wallpaper isn 't work , it 's creative and fun . Even cleaning is fun because it 's cleaning our new house . I 'm sure that feeling will not last ! If I tried to pack the last storage room today … that would be work ! I 'll save that work for tomorrow ! I feel the wind at my back … we are sailing into the final week . This is moving week ! Posted by I just got back from the house . I helped Thomas hang wallpaper in his room . Some of it was dry enough we could paint it . We painted 2 walls . One of the other walls will be covered by his closet , and the other can be finished Monday . I 'm going to see what I can get at IKEA on Monday . Maybe I can buy the missing shelves and storage the boys need . If we can get the floors put down Monday they can move into their rooms this week . That would really make me happy . I had Nicole and Philip pick me 3 more buckets of grapes . The juice is turning out so good , I would hate to throw away the grapes . I think I can manage at least another 6 to 9 buckets of grapes before the kitchen gets taken apart . I 'm out of jars . That 's my biggest problem . I think people must be praying for us because I can really feel the grace of God holding me up . Posted by Juergen is at the house with the kids . they had to clean all the dust and dirt left from breaking open the walls . Then they need to wallpaper the boys rooms . I 'm sad the boys rooms will not be finished when we move in . The handworkers got delayed at an other building site . They ran way behind on our project . The boys will just have to sleep in Nicole 's room . Nicole will sleep in Sarah 's room . Nicole has to help at another summer camp . She will not be home for most of the next 2 weeks . The timing is pretty bad ! It 's bad for our friends too . Most are on vacation so we have very little help from friends . We would have been on vacation too , so I can not really complain ! It 's just bad timing for us ! We will manage . Please , if you do have some time to give us , let us know ! I 'm home packing again . I already packed the rest of the kitchen this morning . We will have to use paper plates for the next few days . Maybe longer because the kitchen counter tops maybe delayed until Thursday or Friday . Juergen has all of next week off . So we can slowly put the cabinets together , build the kitchen , and work on the boys rooms . It 's going to take us a month or more to get things put away . There is also everything at the old house to arrange ( plants to move , the house to clean and perhaps paint ) . But slowly and surely it will all get done ! It 's such a lovely house ! I 'm so blessed I can hardly believe this is really happening . I 'm trying very hard to keep focused and keep working . Nicole brought lice home from summer camp . So again I 'm washing everything . We spent 40 € on the shampoos . I washed my hair and Jessica 's hair 2 times this week . Jess also has some stomach issues . Loads of extra dirty diapers . It seems everything happens at once ! But it 's always like that ! Please just pray god gives us a good attitude , and provides us the help we need . We are teaching our kids to work . That was one of our main goals . I 'm so grateful for this amazing opportunity . It is not so easy with 5 kids and one with autism . But I am so grateful for tAmy We slept until 8am . Juergen is buying supplies at OBI . Nicole and Sarah are walking the dog and buying rolls . They will pick grapes for me before they leave . I will continue to make juice and pack . Philip and Thomas will pack . Juergen , Nicole and Sarah will wall paper . Jess just watches TV . Later in the day , when the windows are in , God willing , I 'll go to the house too . I hope to begin wallpapering Philip 's bedroom . Juergen and I have decided to have a closet building challenge . I said it would be cool to use these bricks to build a closet . He said that would be stupid . . . you need to use wood . So I challenged him to a contest . I 'm building Philips closet and he has to build Thomas ' closet . We have until the end of September to finish . I 'm not sure who decided what is best . It will have something to do with how much it cost , how long it took to build and how it looks . I 'm going to get Philip and Nicole to graffiti the sliding doors in front of the closet . I 'm planning on winning ! I 've never really built anything before , but I 've seen things built on TV . Juergen should never call my ideas stupid ! Posted by The boys are going to be in the basement . the ceilings are too short for normal sized cabinets . I think we should build the boys American style closets . Here is a good video on how to do that . Posted by I 've been listening to the Bible as I pack . It really helps lift my spirits ! Jessica and I picked the boys up from the house . The window frames are in . I guess the windows go in tomorrow . It 's a very big job ! The hallway tile is finished . He will grout the whole thing tomorrow . The walls are all prepared for wallpaper . Juergen and Nicole stayed late to paper the living room ( just the new wall between the kitchen and the living room . Sarah stayed behind to watch . I wish I was there too ! So I will get back to the packing , and back to the Bible . Just a few more days before we move . It really is hard to believe this is happening ! ! Posted by Wir benötigen Hilfe nächste Woche . Wir stellten Leute ein , um unser Stuff zu verschieben , aber wir benötigen die Hilfe , welche die Küche und die cabnets errichtet . Kann jemand uns helfen ? We hired people to move our stuff next week , but we need help to build the kitchen and all the cabinets . can anyone come help us on Tuesday and Wednesday ? Posted by Yesterday was pretty awful ! Jessica was really stressing me out . But Juergen took me on a tour of the house . They are destroying the place ! Giant holes are in the basement walls , and they took out the windows in the back . But today new windows will come . The boys will have beautiful natural light in their rooms . The hall tile is half done , today it will be finished . It is really beautiful ! Nicole and Thomas are putting in a floor in Nicole 's room . Juergen and Philip plan to put up photo wall paper . So God willing the great wall of China will be in my kitchen tonight ! Sarah and I are packing . I 'm about 70 % done with the kitchen . I finished 90 % of the living room . I 'm almost finished with the bathroom . Just one more drawer to pack . I 'm going to finish all my books , cloths and office stuff today . Hopefully all that remains is the Christmas stuff and one small storage room , and garden stuff . I want to wallpaper tomorrow and Saturday . I talked to one of our neighbors today . He asked if we had sold our house . I said no , but I was not worried . I did not lie . I am too busy to worry . I am picking my grapes and making juice . I 'm packing my bags . Worry will just have to wait . Posted by I took the kids to the house today . Jessica is so autistic she will not enter the house from the back door ! The man had already started to lay down tile at the front door . Juergen couldn 't stop Jessica from walking over the tile . It was awful ! So I brought Jessica home . I 'm not going to bring her back to the house , at least until the tile work is finished ( Friday I guess ) . The windows will be late . So We can not start on the boys rooms . So we will not realistically finish the boys rooms . But we will eventually finish the boys rooms . I 'm not excited about packing . I would rather paint or put up wallpaper . But it has to be done , so I 'm packing ! We are all pretty stressed . This is a pretty big task , I guess we were just fooling ourselves thinking it was manageable . I think we were not realistically considering what can be done when your child has autism . We are stressed , so why wouldn 't she be ? And when Jessica is stressed , she is not very cooperative . But you play the cards you have . We have done allot . We may not finish everything before the move , but we really have done so much ! The only thing that really makes me sad is I don 't get to see Juergen much . I imagined us working side by side for a whole month . After nearly 21 years of marriage you would think I would grow tired of him . I miss him . I 'm doing what I can do , and he is doing what he can do … but we are not side by side . I get the house and it 's really amazing . but I would have loved spending more time with Juergen this month . I have been unrealistic about Jessica 's needs , and spending time with Juergen . I 'm so human and this is a super human job ! I need grace , and only grace will carry us . Posted by I took 2 trips to pick up over 43 m ² ( or 462 feet ) of Jadestone tile . That was back breaking ! It 's beautiful and cost tons ! But I hope it 's worth the effort ! Sarah was very well spoiled ! She came home a very happy and relaxed kid ! Juergen and Philip are still hammering away at the basement wall . They finished the giant hole for Thomas ' window , and they should take another day for Philip 's window . It 's so crazy ! These 2 holes have taken over 2 weeks to make . But I 'm sure Juergen has saved us over 6000 Euros by doing this work himself ! The boys will have big beautiful windows in their rooms . That will make a big difference in how they feel . Nicole and Thomas are almost done with the painting of Nicole 's bedroom . I 'm home packing ! I plan to take one more trip to the building supply store to buy tile for our kitchen backsplash . Maybe I 'll get photos for you . The progress is impressive ! I feel like the A team . . . " I love it when a plan comes together " ! ! ! Oh , and one more cool thing . Juergen found us a sod cutter . This is a machine that cuts grass into rolls . So we hope to rent the sod cutter to prepare our flower beds . I think we will have to move the plants after the move . I 'm not sure we have the time to finish both the boys bedrooms before we move . We will focus on Thomas ' room , and finish what we can of Philip 's room as soon as we can ( that maybe after the move ) . It just may not be possible to finish both rooms in time . But Juergen has all of next week off . We haven 't sold or rented our house , so I guess we can take all of September to move the plants . Nicole doesn 't start school until October . I don 't want to move the plants until I 've prepared the flower beds properly . I want my plants to survive the move ! It will probably take me a week to prepare the flower beds . I am trying to put them in beds that will be low maintenance . I love flowers but I don 't have the time to weed large garden beds ! It 's going to save me lots of time if I take the time to prepare the flower beds first ! My parents will be hapPosted by We returned to the house last night . Juergen and I went to the building supply store and bought flooring for Thomas and Nicole 's rooms . It was very heavy and the boys unloaded it for us . Juergen and Nicole finished painting all but one wall of Nicole 's bedroom . The boys practiced break dancing in the yard . Sarah is at a friends house . I 'm sure she is having fun . She has worked very hard and needed a break . I managed to make 10 large jars of grape juice last night . I 'll make more today ( God willing ) . Today Juergen try 's to finish breaking open the holes in the basement walls for the boys new windows . The upstairs floor gets grout . It looks amazing ! The living room and kitchen wall gets finished . They start on the windows upstairs . Windows are suppose to be put in tomorrow ( upstairs and in the basement ) . They want to begin the ground floor tile tomorrow too . So I guess we can not work in the house tomorrow ? Maybe we can put up wallpaper early ? I need to make 2 trips to pick up the tile today . I may also get the boys started on removing grass in the front yard . I need to make planting beds for my flowers . I 'll also be packing , picking grapes and making juice . Our moving date got moved by one day . So we move next Tuesday and Wednesday . That gives us an extra day to finish the boys bedrooms . And we can not begin to work there until after the windows are put in . The extra sleep helped me . I 'm ready to go ! Juergen took Jessica to the Dr 's this morning . They gave us something to try , to reduce anxiety . She needs to calm down or she can not go to school this fall . We are all stressed out . I had to get the kids out the door early . I wanted to get as much of Nicole 's room finished before Juergen returned from the Dr with Jessica . So we worked very hard , and we are 90 % finished with Nicole 's bedroom paint . I need more paint to finish the job . Sarah has worked very hard for 2 weeks . She is basically tired ! She begins to fall apart . I need someone to take care of her for a few days . The boys only worked on the house one week each , Nicole has worked only one day . Poor Sarah has worked hard for 2 weeks . She needs a break . But Juergen and I need to finish the job . We only have 6 days to finish an amazing amount of stuff ! I 'm home now . The kids are playing . I 'm starting to make grape juice . I 'm also doing laundry and dishes , and packing . No rest for me . But I 'm trying to focus on what has to be done today . With grace we will get it done ! Posted by God willing , we move in one week . There is an unbelievable amount of stuff to do . Tomorrow I hope to take the kids down to Bad Schönborn early to paint Nicole 's bedroom . The workers are finishing the hardwood floors upstairs , and putting down tile . We can not go upstairs until Wednesday . Juergen will take Jessica to a Dr appointment in the morning . I will take her home in the afternoon . Then I need to pack , and pick some grapes . I will start to make grape juice . Yes , bad timing ! But the grapes are ready and I 'm not going to let them rot ! I will make grape juice while I pack . In the afternoon Juergen will be working at the house . He has a very long " to do list " . Feel free to volunteer . And please pray for us . We are very tired . We could really use the grace to carry us through this big transition ! Posted by I just won another bid on eBay . it 's a table for the main hall , just under the stairs . I wanted a place the kids could build Lego and play board games . I know most people would love their kids to go to their rooms to play , but I like my kids near by . If Thomas went to his room in the basement to build Lego , I would never see him ! So I won the bid on this set . It has 4 chairs and a bench . Now I 'll find some good looking storage for the games , and Lego . I think we are going to stick with Terracotta for the hallway . It looks fine , and it 's easy to care for . The handmade Terracotta can not be ordered quickly , and Juergen doesn 't like it . The Travertine cost too much , and it 's difficult to care for . I built Jessica 's bed in her room today . It 's really cute . Sorry , I didn 't have my camera with me . I 'm really tired . I think I need a nap . Posted by It 's so late . I guess I 'm worried about tile ! Such a silly thing to worry about ! It felt good to have tile order . . . that decision made . But now the tile order is canceled , and we need something on Monday . Most places don 't keep a large stock , you need 10 days to order things . So we hope we can just walk into a store and buy what we want tomorrow . I looked at 4 stores today , and I didn 't like anything . The only thing Juergen and I can agree on is travertine , and it cost allot ! But we found cork on sale for 1 / 3 the normal price . So I can put cork in Jessica 's TV room , our office and Philip and Thomas ' rooms . The savings makes up for the expensive travertine tile . So perhaps that 's what we will do . . . unless we can find another thing that we both agree upon ? We move in a week from Monday . We have so much to finish , and so little time . I need sleep ! They prepared the foundation for the upstairs tile floor . They also sanded the hardwood floor in my bedroom . Juergen kept working on the windows in the boy 's rooms . I bought 2 mattresses for Jessica 's big bed . We showed our house 2 times ( not 3 ) . I got up very early to clean . I bought a garden book . I look forward to getting past the move ! It 's fun and creative to renovate … but enough is enough ! Posted by I stressed to clean for the last time . We will not show our house again until we move . But we showed the house a few times . I think it 's too big for most people . Oh well ! But one of the people may buy it . I 'm going to our new house to clean Jessica 's new room . We may even set up her bed . I need to get her out of Nicole 's room so I can paint it . I also want to get someone to look at our floor in the hallway / entrance . I think I want to have it refinished . It seems a real waste to cover marble . Posted by Juergen and I looked at 2 stores for tile . We couldn 't agree on anything yet . I need to finish cleaning the house but I 'm just too tired . I 'll have to get up early to do it . I feel like I 've been hit by a truck . . . totally tired ! If we don 't sell our house tomorrow , I want to wait until after the move to show it again . It would look better empty anyway . Posted by We have 3 different families looking at our house for sale tomorrow morning . I stayed home from the work site to clean . A very good friend came over to help . I could not thank her enough ! So I 'm pretty tired . I keep asking the same questions . Juergen tells me the schedule at the work site , and a few minutes later I ask him again . I just am tired ! Today Juergen is painting Jessica 's bedroom . The wall between the kitchen and living room is being built , and the floor in Thomas ' bedroom is being leveled out . Hopefully the tile will be installed tomorrow in the upstairs hall . We ordered a Terracotta tile , but didn 't like it when it came . So I went to another store today and bought something for the hallway . I 'm hoping I can get Juergen to give me the handmade French terracotta for the main hall on the ground floor . He doesn 't like it , but I love it . It is classic ! Nicole agrees with me . She comes home from camp in 2 days . Perhaps she can help me convince Juergen to buy the handmade terracotta ? Either way , we need to buy something for that floor . We canceled the order we had . Today Nicole is 18 years old . I miss her ! She is at camp . I 'm sure she had a great time doing what she loves . I gave her a card on Sunday to open today . I have gifts for her when she gets home . It 's hard to believe she is all grown up . I try very hard not to think about it . I 'm just grateful she is such a great person . I am extreamly blessed to have such a gift of a daughter ! I 'm also very glad she will live with us at least a little while . I know it won 't be long until she moves out on her own . . . but I 'm gratful for now . Posted by I got out early today . I bought paint to finish my bedroom and the office . I painted in the office . It 's nearly finished . Juergen arrived an hour after me with the kids . They started to pull up the old tile from the hallway . The new tile gets put down beginning on Friday . Thomas jumped off one of our walls and hurt his foot . I brought him home and put some ice on it . If it 's not better I 'll take him to the Dr . But it looks better already . I think I need to put up a lattice wall so the kids don 't kill themselves . We have 2 , and maybe 3 people looking at our house in Leimen Friday morning . Hopefully we can get a buyer soon . We buy our house in Bad Schönborn on Friday I think . So Friday we will own 2 houses . . . and I really hope we can sell one of them ! So apart from painting , I also need to clean the house in Leimen . It is a bit crazy but we are really happy , and we are getting it done . God is giving us joy ! Posted by Today it was all about painting and packing . I packed 12 boxes of dishes and other stuff . Thomas packed cloths . Then we painted . Juergen and Sarah finished the kitchen . It is a really pretty green . We also began to paint the office . Juergen touched up the hallway upstairs . Thursday the guy comes to finish the hardwood floors upstairs . We need the paint finished in our bedroom , office and Jessica 's room tomorrow . Then Friday the tile guy comes to lay down tile upstairs hallway . we ordered the tile , but I 'm not sure it will be there in time . But it 's getting very exciting . I see everything start to come together . It looks really good ! I am so tired , I just about fall asleep when I sit down . We have to work very hard to finish it all before the move . We may have a few people looking at our house for sale . One person looks Friday morning . I hope we can just sell it . I want to be free from the responsibility ! Our bank is still processing things with the new house . God willing we will own it in the next 2 days . Posted by Juergen left early for the house . He took Thomas with him . Sarah woke up really angry because he didn 't take her too . I lent my car to someone for 2 days . So I 'm home until Juergen picks us up after lunch . I need to clean , pack and do laundry . Our house is a real mess ! I want an over sized swing in our garden . Something adults can use . The big swings cost so much ! I 've been looking on eBay . I haven 't found anything . I did find this swing . . . but it 's too far away . I wonder if I can have something like this built ? Maybe in metal . Sarah is the only small person in the family . Nicole said she wants to swing too . I just dropped Philip off at summer camp . He was pretty down because his best friend had to cancel . Philip didn 't know anyone in his group . Nicole is working at the camp . She said there is a large waiting list . They were so glad to give the place to a child whose dad got sent to prison . I 'm always being reminded that God knows what he is doing . I 'm sure Philip will manage to make friends . But God knew this other child needed the place ! It was so nice to see Nicole . I missed her so much ! She had a hard but good week as a councilor . She will be a springer this week . She just basically does stuff that needs to be done , but doesn 't need to lead . We got to go out to lunch together . We eat at a real German guest house / beer garden . It was in a small town in the middle of no place . I 'm so glad we got the time to catch up . Sarah was in awful pain last night . Juergen had to take her to the hospital . She has a kidney infection . I 'm not really sure what caused it . She hasn 't been drinking enough I guess . So they gave her antibiotics . They got home about 3 : 30am . We missed church today . Just too tired . But she should be OK . I didn 't sleep well last night because I started to think about renting out our house . The worlds economy is looking pretty bad right now . Juergen read an article in a German paper that said people should only buy a house if they are going to live there ( in other words no investment property ) . I am beginning to see houses dumped on the market at really low prices . I think it 's smarter to just hold the house for a few years . Lets see this storm pass by . . . lets not panic sell ! So if we don 't see a buyer , we are going to start to look for a renter . A long term renter . I may post something at church tomorrow . I think that 's the wise thing to do right now . We won 't be making any money , just not losing too much ( we hope ) . But we will need to redo the hardwood floors in the living room , paint , put in new flooring in the bedrooms , and do some yard work . I wish it were not the case . . . but it 's such a bad economy right now . we think we will rent our house out for 5 years . I worked on painting our new house . Philip and I painted almost all of the entrance hall today . It 's a real pale terracotta . I love it ! Juergen is finishing up the top of the walls and painting the bottom of the stairs . I met one of the neighbors . She is a major plant lover . Her garden is lovely ! I think we will be friends ! Juergen picked Thomas up from camp . Nicole stayed behind ( I 'm sad I didn 't see her ) . She is helping them prep for the kids camp . That begins tomorrow . I want to ask Thomas how it went , but I don 't want Philip to hear . But I have a few photos from Nicole 's camera . I 'll have to talk to Thomas after Philip is gone ( keep the surprise ) . I think I 'll also be the one taking Philip to camp . I have to get a hug from Nicole . I miss her so much ! I talked with my parents tonight . They gave me the bad news . You don 't just till grass . Even if you cover it up , it will come back . They said I should dig it up first , then till the flower bed . That just seems like too much work . I don 't have a machine that will do it for me ! So I will try placing moving boxes ( cardboard ) over the grass . I 'll soak the boxes with water . Hopefully I can kill the grass , then till it . I hope I can kill the grass in the next 2 or 3 weeks then till it under , and make my flower beds . I don 't think I have the power to dig up large patches of grass . I only really got to touch up some paint in the living room . Jessica wouldn 't stay at the house . I bought large rolls of paper to protect our floors . Juergen used the spray gun to paint the ceilings in the upstairs and living room . He finally got the hang of it , and now likes it . I bought a small rototiller to till the garden . I hope to make very large flower boarders in the front of the house . I 'd like to start moving my plants soon . We pick Thomas and Nicole up from camp tomorrow . We take Philip and Nicole back to camp on Sunday . I 'm not sure we will have much time to work at the house this weekend . I have mixed feelings . I love the house , we are making progress , but I 'm frustrated about my personal ability to get things done . I feel like I have my hands tied , Jessica is not really helping ! Juergen says he will take care of Jessica this weekend so I can try to work on the house . I was home with Philip , Sarah , and Jessica until about 12 : 30 . Juergen had to be at the house early to let the heater guys in . They are moving water pipes in Thomas ' room , and putting in heating in their rooms . The contractor also looked at the balcony 's again . We need to have them repaired . And the new windows for the covered porch were ordered . I came with the kids , and we began painting the living room . Jessica only wanted to stay one hour . I had to drive her for awhile . Then I could return and work for 2 more hours . Really , it 's not so easy to renovate with the kids ! They are getting tired . We need to keep going . I wish I had someone to just watch Jessica and Sarah . But I guess the destination ( renovation ) is not the goal . . . it 's the journey . And on this journey I can try to rush , or I can teach my kids how to work . Philip did a pretty good job painting today ! Sarah did Ok too . It 's a slow process ! And it 's also frustrating . The paint doesn 't cover the owners loud colors in one coat . Everything has to be painted 2 or even 3 times . The bank papers arrived today . We should own the house in one week . Juergen is thinking about taking 4 weeks off . I don 't really see how we can manage it if he doesn 't take the time off . But we love our house ! I hate the stucco they put on the walls . . . it 's really awful stuff ! But I still feel very happy when I can sit out side and look over that amazing garden ! I have zero idea how we can sell our house in Leimen , or rent our house ? I promised myself not to worry about that . I 'm being good at just letting that go ! Juergen is doing so much of the work himself , to save money . We both love the house ! It makes us very happy to be there ! BTW , if you want to stop by and help us paint here is our house on google . We should be there Friday afternoon . We will grill you dinner ! And we will be there ( God willing ) on the weekend and for the next 2 weeks . View Larger Map I stayed home with Jessica this morning . She slept and I packed . Then about 1pm she handed me a video and wanted to go to the house . I put her VCR at the house . So I picked food up for everyone and got to the house by 2pm . Juergen is almost finished with the work outside . They broke up all the concrete outside of the boys windows . They will cut holes in the basement walls , and put in larger windows . They also sorted the trash where the garage will go . They laid a foundation of just broken concrete . Then metal will go in , and fresh concrete will be poured . We also kept painting . And I started to remove the tile in the hallway upstairs . New tile will be laid down in the 3rd week . The heater guy was there today . He starts work on Philip and Thomas ' new heaters early tomorrow . The kids also cut the grass today . Posted by The owners of the house used such strong colors on the walls , everything has to be painted 3 times . We are almost done with Sarah 's room , and my room . The hallways will kill us ! That awful lime yellow ! To each his own ! But I love the color in my bedroom . It 's a very pale and warm tan . It is almost a yellow . It is like a sunrise . It 's really beautiful ! I was pretty stressed today . It 's hot , and it 's getting nearly impossible to move Jessica out of the car ! She does not want to move ! I am sad , but I think Juergen and I have to take turns at the house . Jessica can not sit in a hot car . I was looking forward to spending long hours painting with Juergen . Now he is working outside , breaking holes in the basement walls for new windows . I am painting ( and I 'm not very good at it ) . And mostly I 'm just chasing Jessica . Tomorrow I 'm going to pack in the morning . juergen will work at the house . I go to the house in the afternoon , and Juergen will be home with Jessica . You have to do what you have to do ! I bought a lawnmower today . Juergen has to put it together . Maybe I can mow the lawn tomorrow . Our friends are doing so much work ! Thank God for their amazing help . And I am really liking our house more and more . It is a very beautiful house ! I will try to take some photos tomorrow . I praise God for the friends that have helped us with our renovation . Really it does bless us ! The task is pretty big , but I have hope we can get allot done . And not everything " needs " to be done . A house doesn 't need to be perfect on day one ! Today I have to figure out how I can work , and keep Jessica safe and happy . Our babysitter is taking final exams at the University . She starts a new job on Friday . . . oh well ! Glad for her , bad timing for us ! But I am really happy to just be in the house . It feels so good to spend hours there . I can see the windows really need work . I can imagine better how well every things going to fit / not fit . I love the house ! I especially love the garden ! I 'm so tempted to forget everything and just start renovating that garden . But I need to control myself ! Paint is the word ! But believe me , that garden will be lovely ! We just returned from a day of work at the house . A few of my good friends showed up to help . They brought their kids ( all teenagers by now ) . We had some serious help ! Juergen and the kids dug 2 very deep holes in the ground for the windows of the boys . We also painted Sarah 's room , and patched holes in the walls . It was a bit hard for me to get Jessica in the house . She just doesn 't want to leave the car . But it 's hot , and she can not stay in the car . I 'm going to have to figure out a way to make Jessica comfortable in the new house . We will be back at it tomorrow . I 'm hoping to buy or borrow a lawn mower to cut our grass . We also have to move allot of the building waste ( broken tile , old flooring ) the owner has left in a pile near the driveway . Someone comes in a few days to pour concrete for our new garage . Juergen and I went to the house last night and prayed for it . Then we had pizza at a local restaurant . It was great pizza . . . very Italian ! Today , Juergen is at the house with Philip and Sarah . They are digging away the dirt near the foundation . The workers come today to start putting larger windows in Philip and Thomas rooms . Jessica has a bad cold . She has slept all morning . I 'm hoping to go and start preparing the walls for paint . We have to fill in the holes , pull out nails , tape around the doors and windows . Here are some photos I took yesterday . As you can see , Sarah had fun in the garden ! Posted by I 'm going to say goodbye to Texel , and close up shop . This will be the last Texel blog post . On the last day we saw that the weather was again awfu . . . I am moving to Catching Butterflies 2 . This blog just got too full so I have moved to a new address . I hope you will move with me ! It has been so great to . . . I live in Germany , I have 5 children , and my oldest daughter is autistic . I 'm a Christian and I tend to get a little preachy . I 'm not a great writer , but the blog gives me practice . |
When told by my wife that our fifteen - year relationship was over , I found that everything in my life was upended . I took solace when friends and family pointed out I was no longer responsible for her personal happiness , just my own - and that of my four children . I went into marriage as a bisexual kid , suspicious of monogamy . I was a good husband , and played by the rules . Now I 'm single again , and wondering if I didn 't have it right back then . This blog picks up my new life in progress - the life of a parent , and pervert , in New York City . Photograph by Adrian Buckmaster Photography . New York , NY . July 5 , 2015 . ( c ) 2004 - 2017 . This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - NonCommercial - NoDerivs 2 . 5 License . JeffersonView My Complete Profile " You are the tooth fairy ! I have proof . " Collie stood in the kitchen , arms folded , very satisfied with himself . Lillie stood behind , arms folded , grinning like a cat with a canary in its mouth . Uh oh , busted . I was making dinner . I resorted to the first response on being accused of a crime one has committed : deny it and ascertain the prosecution 's evidence . " Me , the tooth fairy ? Ha ! " I laughed . " Why would you say that ? " Collie produced a piece of paper . It was a note I had helped him write last year : To the Tooth Faire , My first tooth lost . Love , Collie . He had written the words and drawn the hearts . I had drawn a tooth that he outlined in colored pencil . " How nice , " I vamped . " The tooth fairy left this note for us as a souvenier . " " Nice try , Dad , " Collie gloated . " Yeah , nice try ! " Lillie echoed . They went back to their game of " spy . " I returned the note to its hiding place in my closet , but on a higher shelf . I looked down at my secret stash of porn videos and DVDs . Time for a better hiding place , I thought . A nightmare scenario : Collie presenting me with a plain black video tape of " Cunt Hunt Nine , " and asking " Nine sequels ? It 's that good ? " Dad ? Daaaad ? " Lillie was shouting for me over the noise of " Fairly Odd Parents . " The kids know not to shout for me . Unless they are vomiting or bleeding , they should walk to where I am . At that particular moment , I was sitting on the toilet . " I 'm in the bathroom , " I replied . " Daaaad ? " Lillie 's voice grew louder as she walked around the apartment , moving further from the bathroom . " Daaaaad ? " I leaned forward to lock the door , anticipating the next moment . " Dad ? " Lillie jiggled the bathroom doorknob . " I 'll be out in a moment and I would like some privacy , please . " " Dad , I 'm hungry . " " I 'll make breakfast in just a moment . " " But I 'm hungry now . " " I can 't help you right this second , but I will make breakfast in a moment . " Pause . " What are you going to make ? " " Lillie , can I have some privacy , please ? " " Okay . . . " She sat on the floor , tapping the door with her finger . I remember crossing a threshold as a parent a few years back : sitting on the toilet , holding a sleeping infant in a Snuggly while conversing with the toddler standing in the doorway . Parents learn a lot about shit when their kids are in diapers . Does Dad get enough respect ? This question seems to be much on the mind of my son Jason . His mother tells me that Jason , at age eleven , can be an unresponsive , eye - rolling , " I 'm not LIS - sen - NNINGG " tween . I don 't get much of that . With me , he is a very sweet and chatty boy . He talks about his friends . He talks about school . He talks about GameCube . He sits in my lap to watch Peter Jennings and " The NewsHour . " We talk about the Iraqi elections , favorite bands , sports . . . The boy is chewing my ear off . This week , he has taken to chiding his siblings for being disrespectful . I 'm more laissez faire than their mom , and so certain family strictures are less rigidly enforced at this home than at their other home . At the same time , I was raised to be a good Southern boy . My manners are irreversibly impeccable . I open every door . I smile " howdy " at everyone , respectfully . All of my " betters and elders " will always and forever be addressed by me as " sir " and " ma ' am . " Jason picks up on that , and mimics it . Every meal ends with him asking if I am finished eating . Then he clears his plate , commenting that dinner was very good . Thanks , Dad . By contrast , his feral siblings bicker at the table , eat little , ask about candy and then vanish , leaving behind a plate of uneaten food . As I wash the dishes , they return , begging for junky snacks . Tonight , Jason proposed we have a family meeting on manners . I concurred . The two youngest know better than to behave so . It is Friday , and so I let the children stay up late . They fed their new and curious addiction to " Full House " on Nickelodeon . I never watched this program when it was originally broadcast - dude , I was too busy banging my head to punk bands ! - so I do not relate . I sat to watch part of an episode with them . It involves a teddy bear that was inadvertently thrown out , and a magic trick gone awry . I surmise that " Full House " was a saccharine sitcom about a single dad with young daughters , doing his best to be wise with the help of male roommates whoPosted by My birthday week of wall - to - wall sex officially ended on Monday . But apparently , I didn 't pull the plug firmly enough . On Wednesday , there was the happy surprise of finally meeting Kat . On Thursday , Anna called to see if we could get together for some lunchtime loving . Sure , I said , let 's log a couple of hours . She arrived as I was into my fourth cup of coffee , eyes deep into work , music much too loud . It was frigid cold out , and she was layered in clothes . I put aside the work . She performed a comical striptease , slow and to the beat . With her wearing so many layers , one could grow old waiting for the finale . I feigned great indifference . Finally reduced to her bra and panties - matching and pink , no less - she produced the coupe de grace of her performance : a bagel with cream cheese . Which she ate , slowly - and with no napkin ! We kissed as she ate . I licked away stray cream cheese . I unhooked the bra , and played with her nipples . With the bagel so erotically consumed , I took her to bed . We undressed and warmed her body under the covers . She was fast to sit on me , kissing me and massaging my cock with her wet pussy . I pulled on a condom , and was in her . I was flat on my back , with my hands all over her body , licking her nipples . " You really do have nice breasts , " I said . " Aren 't they nice ? " She agreed . They really are . They are large for her frame , and perfectly even . She has pink nipples like pencil erasers . I pushed them together to get both nipples in my mouth . I thought , let 's make this all about her tits . I licked and tugged her breasts as she rode me . She came very quickly . I kissed her as she let that orgasm pass . I resumed my fondling of her tits , and she promptly came again . All right , I thought . We are off to a good start . I like to get her off , over and again , before I even think of my own orgasm . We had plenty of time for that . She climbed off me and began to suck my cock . She worked me with her hands , sucking furiously . This is what she does when she wants me to cum . That felt great , but I wasn 't nearPosted by After dropping the kids at school , I passed a cameraman trying to interview passers - by for " Regis and Kelly . " Apparently they wanted New Yorkers to talk about how cold it is . It 's too cold for that . I hurried past , huddled in my coat and hat . Yesterday , the kids and I passed Howard Stern on the street . Celebrity spotting is a favorite pastime in this city . They are all over the place . Kind of makes you wonder : would it be possible for me to cultivate a famous lover ? My ex Lucy is ahead of me on this . Among her new beaus is an up - and - coming singer - songwriter familiar to those who listen to college radio . One of our last dates was a concert of his . They apparently hooked up at his next show in town . May sometimes gets together with another performer who is really famous . You would think he might be gay , as he 's handsome and stylish , but in fact , he 's had very few encounters with men . He actually has very little sex - while he is a heartthrob , he 's also something of a hermit . He liked calling May to have her describe sex with me . We made some videos to show him how we went at it . There was much talk of a threesome . When Marcus caught wind of this , he wanted in . He 's a big fan , so he felt he was more deserving of this threesome . Fine , I said . If the opportunity comes along , take the first plunge . One night , he and May got together with the pop star . It was a bit of a disaster . Afterward , they drove three hours to New York to fuck me and get it out of their system . If I were to have a celebrity lover , who would it be ? For now , I can only cling to a lost opportunity . I gave a talk at a symposium a few years ago . Next up on stage was Rufus Wainwright . At a reception afterwards , he came up to tell me how much he enjoyed my talk . I told him I was a fan of his . We fell into a fine conversation . Soon we had someone at our elbows - a former Prime Minister of Canada . She 's a big Gershwin fan , and the three of us were soon on that topic . Two young women came up , pulling at Rufus to come on , let 's go , let 's go ! " Nice talkPosted by A moment 's silence , please , for all my fuck buddies who have recently passed on to the other side - monogamy . Perhaps because it is winter , and a cuddly bed partner sounds awfully cozy , or perhaps it is just a stage in life . But several sluts of my acquaintance are settling down . It began with lovely Amanda , who was one of the most beloved swinger girls out there . She was a centerpiece at my gatherings - often at the center of many bodies - and loads of fun one on one . She met a fine young man , determined to bring him into the fold of bi group sex . Alas , he was more convincing , and so he lured her to contented monogamy . Dear Geri was introduced to me by the fourth man she had ever had a sex with . A threesome later , and I was number five . She joined our gatherings and quickly worked her way into the double digits , also beginning a new column for women she had bedded . She was happily crunching the numbers when she met " the one . " She went monogamous of her own accord - he wasn 't even asking for that commitment . Get this : she wanted it ! Klaus and I met a year ago . He is tall , blonde , and exceptionally handsome , like a Depression era film star . We had great sex . I told him about my gatherings , and he expressed interest in attending . He 's gay and had never slept with a woman ; I watched him lose his virginity . He fast became very popular - all the boys and girls loved Klaus . One day , he announced his retirement . He had enjoyed women , but he was back to a diet of men only . We did more male parties together , and then , just like in the movies , the star met Mister Right . Roll credits . My soul sister Elena broke a year long stretch without sex - and four without men - when we got naked together . After being pursued by a number of women who just weren 't good fits , the world 's most femme girl met the cutest butch girl ever . Now they are throwing around the L Word - and no , I don 't mean lezzie . Thomas - our aficionado of the she - males - has been on a few dates with a woman of the genetic variety whom he thinks may be Posted by About six months ago , I met Kat online . She had posted a note saying she was bored and up for a few instant messages . I had the kids in bed , and was too tired to work , so that was about my speed . She had a slutty screen name , which I assumed was purely for this post . I responded that I was happy to talk with her about anything other than sex . She replied , and she was very funny . I liked her wit . She liked mine . We had a great chat , and when we were done , we were done . I liked that . We talked just to have a conversation . She popped up online now and then . Perhaps just to find me , perhaps not , but we talked whenever we were both online and had the time . We talked about dating , life and such . Neither of us made a move to trade photos or to meet in person . The conversation was fine . We were chatting once after I started this blog . I saw no harm in sharing it . After a very light and breezy conversation , she went off to read it . When she came back , she was practically panting . You really did that ? Yes , it 's all true , I said , but what did you like ? She liked my tale of roping down my Celia . I told her yes , that was true . She wanted to know if I could do that to her . So my online friend had a submissive side . Sure , I could help with that . We talked about meeting in person . I had one request : let 's not trade photos . We had no idea what the other looked like , and yet we were hot for each other . Let 's preserve that mystery . She liked the idea . When I decided to give myself a birthday week of wall - to - wall sex , I phoned and told her she was short listed for booty calls . Alas , we could not make it happen that week . I was calling her in the afternoons , she was calling me in the middle of the night . Yesterday we found each other online . We decided to make a date . We set it , and each got back to work . Soon there was an instant message . She couldn 't focus on work now ; she was too turned on by the thought of our date . Could I come over for an hour ? No less than an hour and a half , I haggled . She agreed . We would skip lunch so we could finallPosted by " Whattya working on ? " This is the way we greet each other in my biz . The correct response is to have a few smart sentences ready so you can turn the tables and ask , " So that 's me , how about you - whattya working on ? " I was at a swank soiree the other night , at a millionaire 's penthouse apartment . This doesn 't happen often , but in my line of work , it happens now and then . Rich people like to have bookish folk around as conversation pieces . We poor church mice will go anywhere there is free food . The rich and their in - house intellectuals - it 's a time - honored system of interdependence . This was a catered affair , with a nice dinner preceded by cocktails and appetizers served by ultra - gorgeous caterer waiters . I was chatting with a legendary historian - a brilliant old queen - when across the room , I noticed that one of the waiters was the most gorgeous black man I have ever seen in my life . " Excuse me , " I said . " I need to kiss that handsome man - and now . " Which I did . I gave him a wet kiss that would put curls in your hair . My conversation partner was impressed by my verve . The waiter was impressed with my kiss . Of course , I 've been kissing him hello for years . We used to work together . What the hell was he doing here ? He was surprised to see me in this context . He was fine , and very happy . As we talked , he said his new gigs at parties had freed his schedule to focus on his real work as an actor . It 's New York . We do what we have to do . So I asked : " Whattya working on ? " He is all over the place , doing regional theater , local stuff , modeling . Someone plucked a salmon cake from his tray . I let him work the room . I had an editor at my elbow . When was I going to write for her again ? Whattya working on ? I considered the answer I can 't give . I have a super secret sex blog . I am trying to come up with literate ways to describe Shelby 's skin . I came to this party after blogging about sex in front of a voyeur . If we were to talk about the writer 's craft , I would say : struggle as I might , I can 't comePosted by My birthday week of wall - to - wall sex officially ended on Monday with a spot of exhibitionism . Marla and I were comparing notes on how hot it is to be watched as we go at it . We thought , why not share the joy and find a voyeur ? We put up a post , and sure enough , a lot of folks expressed an interest in watching us . We chose a young guy who looked like a football player . He was interested in watching but no more , as he is married and did not want to cheat . We set simple ground rules . He was not allowed to touch us . We could talk , but we would not take direction . It was fine for him to jerk off . He agreed . Marla and I agreed that we would give him no more than an hour of the best we had . Marla and I were having drinks when he arrived . He was a very genial sort , and we fell into an easy conversation . We decided to hop to action . Marla and I kissed as he undressed and sat in a chair . We undressed one another , kissing and fondling . I took a breast in my mouth . I moved down to lick her pussy . She moaned as I went at her , moving her piercing around my mouth . He walked around to get a look , stroking his cock . I put on a condom and started fucking her . She watched me and the man who was watching us . She came very quickly . He sat down again , and she excused herself to the bathroom , leaving the two us alone for a moment . " You two are smoking hot , " he said , stroking . He was staring at my cock . " We like that you are watching , " I told him . I stood very close to him , stroking my cock near his face . He came instantly . Marla returned . " Did I miss something ? " she smiled , her arm on my waist . Yeah , our pal came , I said , kissing her . We sent him to wash up . He dressed and was on his way . He had lasted about half an hour . Marla and I went back to fucking . We were soon interrupted by a knock at the door . I dressed and went to answer it . It was a delivery from the liquor store . His and her bottles of bourbon , courtesy of our new acquaintance . The blizzard that hit the Northeast this weekend wrecked a fine plan for my birthday week of wall - to - wall sex . My lesbian soul sister arranged a scheme that involved her and her new girlfriend sleeping over and forcing a straight male submissive do their bidding . Two lesbians and a straight boy ? How does this involve sex for me , I asked ? Oh , you leave the driving to us , she replied . Alas , it was too snowy to drive , and so her best - laid plans were postponed . The thought of a using a submissive stuck with me , though . And so I braved the storm to pay a visit to my foot fetishist . It 's hard to believe I ever got along without one . He had a fire going when I arrived . I took off my snow boots and padded to a large cozy chair near the fireplace . He lay on the floor , and I propped up my stocking feet on his face . I smoked his weed and relaxed . My fetishist is a good - looking Italian man , who lives in a beautiful brownstone apartment . I regretted I had not brought a book ; this could be a nice way to pass a snowy evening . He removed my socks . I ground my naked feet into his cheeks , massaging his forehead as he sucked my toes . I told him about the basketball I keep under my desk . It helps me think when I keep my feet moving . I rubbed his head like my basketball . Marcus called . He had read the blog and had a few questions about people we know in common . We chatted as I mashed my feet on the fetishist 's face . I told Marcus he should try out my footstool - it 's very relaxing . The sub was happy to hear me offering his face to my friend . Marcus and I talked a while longer , about this and that , and then he had to go . The footstool was doing wonders for my feet . It was a nice turn on . I unzipped and pulled out my cock , leisurely jerking off as he worked . He was such a good footstool , I decided to let him suck my dick . He gives really terrific head - lots of pressure with his lips and tongue . After I came , I told him to bring me my snow boots . He obeyed and put them on me . That set my mind right . I left , heading back to my desk . My feet relaxPosted by As Zelda left , Shelby curled contentedly on the couch . She was fed , fucked and blissed . I wrapped myself in her arms , and we kissed . There is a special something between us . We clicked immediately when we met , and our sexual relationship was only part of that . Over the autumn , as we kissed or fucked or talked , I found I was saying things like " you are just so lovely , " " I 'm so lucky we met , " " this is really special , " and so on . My heart was welling up for her . Finally , as we lay in bed one night , I took a daring step . " Look , " I said . I coughed , as my voice had cracked . " I suppose you notice how I can 't stop myself from trying to find ways to express my feelings to you . There 's a word for how I feel . So I want you to know that in a way entirely appropriate to our relationship , and in a way that is not at all scary , I do love you . You mean a lot to me . " Shelby smiled . " It 's mutual . I dig you . In a way that is nonexclusive and noncommittal , and it 's okay . " She added , " I never say the L Word though . " Love sometimes comes with a few caveats . That L Word chokes some folks . My pal Dacia can 't say it to save her life , so I miss no opportunity to tell her how much I love her . She always says , " Yes , I know . " I don 't use charged words carelessly . But I have to tell people I love that I love them . It 's just honest . I do take care with my heart , and those of my friends . Dacia knows that my love is that unconditional kind that doesn 't infringe upon her life in any bad ways . Shelby knows that love is a part of our care for one another . Neither of us wants an exclusive relationship . Can 't help how you feel , though . And love ain 't bad . And now , as we lay in one another 's arms after some time apart , it was clear we still had it . We had just sent Zelda packing , so a nap for Shelby would be nice . But our cuddling soon led to her blowing me . This led to me sitting on her , jerking off as she watched and touched me . I retrieved a vibrator . It has two small eggs that really do the trick for ShelPosted by Winter break has ended , affecting the schedules of my school - bound friends . Scarlet is out of commission , Dacia is available for more dinners , and Celia is back in town - for what the latter may prove to be worth . She is no longer " my " Celia , after all . The new semester also puts things back on track with Shelby . We were derailed by the holidays and her semester break , which had her back home in the Midwest . Things between us had been hot and heavy in autumn , when she arrived in town to begin her second year of college . We were eager to resume . We planned to meet during my birthday week of wall - to - wall sex . I smiled to see her face at my door . She dropped her backpack . " Baby , it is so good to see you . " We held each other close . We talked , catching up even though we had chatted so many nights online . I twirled her dark hair in my fingers ; she rested a hand on my thigh . We were thrilled to be finally back together . We kissed and lost our clothes . In bed , we were reacquainted with one another 's bodies . Our mouths were locked in kisses as my hands roamed her smooth skin , her small breasts , her waist and soft hips . She flicked her fingers on my sensitive nipples , knowing I could scarcely take it . " I have another woman on stand by , ready to join us today , but I have never met her , " I said . Do tell , Shelby said , propping herself up . Zelda had contacted me about the gatherings . She had little experience with multiple partners , but a recent foursome had left her curious for more . She was bi and twenty - three . In her photos she had long dark hair and a shy smile , and she described herself as a quiet Jewish girl who needed to break out of her shell . What did you like about the foursome , I asked ? The rough sex . Do you like restraints ? Yes - how did you know ? I thought : young , bisexual , newly experienced , likes rough sex and bondage . . . . why , she is in the same shoes as my dear Shelby ! Maybe they should meet . Yeah , call her up , Shelby encouraged . Zelda was glad we summoned her . She would be over in about a half hour . ShelbPosted by On the Thursday of my birthday week of wall - to - wall sex , I worked and parented . I did not have sex . I received an email from Celia , apologizing that she had left on Tuesday without saying good - bye , but I had looked busy . No problem , Celia . Sorry we didn 't have more time together . Would you be interested in joining me for a party this weekend ? It 's an art party , not sex party , and it is close to your place . She replied : Regretfully , I won 't be able to join you that evening though I 'd love to join you for future parties . You should know , though , that I am involved in a monogamous relationship at present . Well , that 's about the best way to put that . Short and to the point . Perhaps she is seeing a Svengali therapist . My response was lame . How could it be otherwise ? Egads ! Monogamy ? That 's a very big step ! I hope you enjoy monogamy as well as I did , when I did . It has its rewards . It 's Shaun White , isn 't it ? I knew that snow boarding thing was going to come between us . I 'm sorry you can 't make it to the art party this weekend , but we will make another . I 'm happy to spend time with you , sex or no . I 'll keep you in the loop for the gatherings too . You can hang out with us even if you aren 't fucking us . Bring your friend . Yeah , right . Like Celia the boy is going to hang out with me when she 's got a hot new lover . I woke early on the morning after the orgy to get some work done . Dacia slept in , as she didn 't have a class until afternoon . I found an instant message from May . She was eager to set a weekend we could be together . Her move to California is not so imminent as she thought , and she would like to reconsider the instant message break up she initiated . I worked for a while before Dacia awoke . She came to my work area and we talked for a while . She was still nude from the night before . Dacia 's body caught the morning light . We are happy when our friends are hot : Dacia is a stone fox . A month 's hike in Europe this summer had put her in top form , accentuating her large breasts and hour - glass figure . She went to shower and dress . Afterwards , we compared notes about the evening and ate a full breakfast - with bacon , of course . I suffered the sex hangover that often followed a gathering ; after so much sex , I would really love to get laid . Alas , Dacia and I only have sex together if there is a person between us . After sending her off to school , I checked my email again . There was this note in response to an ad I had posted for the parties . She : Your parties sound hot . Barbara . I replied , He : Thanks ! They are hot . We had a great time last night . We are on again in two weeks . Tell me about yourself . She : Bi black woman ; 43 ; 5 ' 4 " 150lbs ; nice body ; what else would you like to know ? He : Sounds nice , Barbara . If you are free to talk , here 's my number . She did sound nice . But before I went into any detail , I wanted to confirm by voice that she was a woman . She phoned immediately . He : Hi Barbara . Well , I 'm sorry we didn 't hear from you before last night . It was fun . She : Me too ! I could really use some sex . He : Can you come over now ? I 'll fuck you . She : Sure , I can take a lunch break . What 's the address ? I gave her the address . She said she would see me in twenty minutes . We hung up . I don 't think we had exchanged one hundred words . We had not exchanged photos . But I would very soon be fucking her . What was her name again ? Oh yeah , BPosted by Nadia was incredibly loud , cumming as Raven worked her pussy . I put my hand over Nadia 's mouth . " Shush , you , " I reprimanded . " Think of the neighbors . " I kept my hand in place until she was done . Jen was crouched over Mark , topless , moving back and forth over his nude body as her husband Yoshi watched . She was so lovely to look at . I reached around her waist , unbuckled her white belt , and tugged off her pants . She wore a cute spaghetti thong that accentuated her slender torso . I could leave that on , but . . . nah . I put a condom on Mark 's cock as I licked her pussy . She was good and wet . I slipped Mark into her . She eased back onto his cock . Alice was blowing Jake , who sat in a chair watching the action on the bed . Everyone was loosening up . I needed to find someone to fuck . I went in search of my Celia , before she got too busy . I looked around the apartment , and didn 't find her anywhere . Odd . Alexandra was lying in bed , stripped to her panties as she fondled one of the ladies . " Say , have you seen Celia ? " I asked . " She had to go , " Alexandra said . " She 's seeing her therapist . " " She had a therapy appointment at this hour ? " " No , love , she 's seeing her therapist . " " She 's fucking her therapist ? " " Dunno . I only know she 's seeing her therapist . " Was she dating a therapist , or dating her therapist ? I could fall hard for a girl who fucks her therapist , even . Nothing to do , really , but to remove Alexandra 's panties . My mouth fell to her tender rosebud breasts . I found her mouth and we kissed . I licked her crooked teeth . Our eyes were open and watching one another . We held each other , roaming our hands over each other 's bodies , rubbing our hard cocks against one another . I asked if I could fuck her . " No , love , I don 't think I am up for that . " So I sucked her cock . She turned to suck mine . " There ! You see ? " Raven was at the door with Dacia , pointing at us as we blew one another on the bed . " Hot boy - on - boy action ! " " Yeah , but Alexandra is a girl , " Dacia whined . Still , she stayePosted by As Dacia and I ate sushi , I reflected that my birthday week of wall - to - wall sex was off to a rollicking good start . The previous evening had been a bed - breaking male gang bang . This morning I had wrecked a man 's four - year stretch of monogamy . We had just done a pleasant fivesome . And now we were poised for an orgy . Icing on the cake : tonight would mark the return of my Celia , after a month away . I 'm still very hot for her , the muse who inspired the beginning of this blog . I am clinging to the optimistic hope that she will find space to put me into her regular rotation of fuck mates . Her dance card would put even mine to shame . The first to arrive - and the winner of the night 's " greatest distance traveled " award - was Nadia . She and Dacia had met before , but this was our first encounter . Nadia also has the distinction of being the second woman , after Scarlet , to have come to my place for sex because of this blog . The blog that my Celia inspired . I cued up music for the evening , most of it ambient , but starting with the Scissor Sisters . We 're all big fans . Now that we play the band at my gatherings , Jake says he has Pavlovian erection every time he hears them . Raven arrived and prepared prosciutto and cantaloupe . She also brought a birthday gift : coasters to keep my bed from rolling across the room when we fuck . This is really a gift for yourself , I thanked her , as this is only a problem when you are on the bed . Dacia complained to Raven about Donny 's hasty retreat during our pre - orgy sex date . Don 't you worry , Raven assured her . We 'll make the boys play tonight . You will finally see boy - on - boy action . As other guests arrived , Dacia , Raven and Nadia gave the coasters a test drive . Alas , as soon as they jumped on the bed , it scooted away . Giggles wafted into the living room , where I chatted with the guests , a mix of regulars and new people . The three women on my bed were getting started . Jake was clearly poised to join in , but he was being a good date to his friend Alice , who was at her first party and not qPosted by Dacia arrived around four on Tuesday , prepared for our pre - orgy date with Isaac and Laura . She had just settled in when there was a knock at the door . " Why , look who it is ! " I exclaimed . " It 's our pal Donny ! " Dacia beamed . Donny wanted to get fucked as Dacia watched , and so he invited himself over . We were now poised for a pre - pre - orgy date boy - on - boy event . About time too , because Dacia has still not seen boys have sex . We talked for a bit , and Isaac and Laura arrived . There was a general consensus that times a - wastin ' , so we raced each other to get naked . Laura won . She 's light skinned black girl , mid twenties , a zaftig cutie with curly hair . The first word that comes to mind when I see her is " juicy . " Her boyfriend - or rather , Isaac , as she often refers to another guy as her " other boyfriend " - is tall and gangly , with brown hair and glasses . He 's the kind of guy I think of as rather bland looking , but girls really like as that nerdy type . Isaac went down on Laura as Dacia sucked Donny 's cock and fingered his ass . Interesting , I thought - he 's playing with her . . . I made my way to Laura 's tits . Dacia asked Donny to fuck . He declined , saying he only wanted to get fucked by me . Dacia is not used to being turned down for sex , but she 's a sport . She lifted his legs and called me over . " Donny wants you to fuck him . " She had a big grin . She was finally going to see a boy get fucked . Or was she ? Donny slid a condom onto my cock , which was hard and ready to go . But at the critical moment , it kind of folded over . Hmmmm . Donny bent over . I got it in him , and . . . nope , I wasn 't ready . Dacia resumed blowing Donny , as I sucked his balls . Soon I was eating Dacia 's pussy . This was getting me good and stiff . Let 's try again . Donny excused himself for a moment , and when he returned said , " Uh , sorry , but I have to go work . " " But . . . but . . . " sputtered Dacia . " You are leaving AGAIN ? " " I have to work , " he said , dressing . " I just noticed the time . " " You suck , " Dacia sulked . AfPosted by Isaac and Laura came to one of my gatherings . I liked them . They were cute and dweebie . We sat on the floor talking about common grammatical errors . Now , that just gets me going . They are very new to group sex , and mostly watched that night . They asked if I could set up something smaller , as they get used to the idea . We aim to please . Dacia had been in on the grammar conversation , so I asked : want to play with the cute dweebs just before the next orgy ? She was in . No arm - twisting there . We decided to meet them at five on Tuesday , before the main event started at eight . I also got a call from Donny . I have previously posted on my subspecialty : straight boys who need to get fucked . Donny is at the front of that line . I have been fucking him for well over a year . He is a bodybuilder and model , who picks up extra change as a bartender . He is over six feet tall , mid - 20s and gorgeous . He resembles Marky Mark with his baby face and superhuman body . He usually calls when he 's free and needs to get plowed . If I can make it work , I do . Sometimes , that has meant fucking him in front of other people who may be here for sex . Invariably , whatever the situation , he has taken his fucking and declined to play with any of the girls I have had over . Sounds odd , but it makes sense to me . He 's just not into playing around . He fucks his own girls , and uses me for the thing they can 't provide . A few months ago , he called as I was making dinner for Dacia . I asked her if she wanted to watch me fuck a very cute boy . Dacia had never seen boy - on - boy action . She was ready . She was all the more excited when she saw Donny . He came to us from a party where he had posed as an Oscar statuette . He still had gold in his ears and crevices . He scrubbed up in my shower soon after he arrived . Dacia and I took our drinks along to watch . We talked as the water cascaded around his perfect body . He was shaven for the job . He was smooth and sculpted like a statue . As he toweled off , Dacia took his hand and led him to the bedroom . Soon they were making out , and he waPosted by I woke up Tuesday morning and looked under the bed . Yep , the frame is shot . All night , my body had gravitated to the middle of my now sagging bed . Bad timing , as I had another orgy that night , featuring the regular biweekly gathering of boys and girls , replete with the usual suspects of bed breakers . This was also only the beginning of my birthday gift to myself : a week of wall - to - wall sex . Next up : auditioning my role as the other woman . I had answered an ad posted by a gay man involved in a monogamous relationship , four years strong . Have you heard this joke ? There 's a magazine called Gay Monogamy . You can get it in month - by - month subscriptions . It 's a stereotype , sure , but my fellow was pretty committed in a way that defies the stereotype . Four years , no affairs and a house in the suburbs at age thirty . And now I was poised to become the homewrecker . I agreed to meet him at lunch on Tuesday . We met at my place . He was Latino , slight and handsome . As we talked , it was pretty clear that the physical attraction was there . He liked that I was blonde and masculine . ( I thought , you have to be pretty femme to think that I 'm masculine . But maybe that is part of my charm - gay men assume I am straight , straight women assume I am gay . I disrupt everyone 's gaydar . ) In his quest , he had met with two men , both married . He had met each for coffee , and it didn 't work out . They had nowhere to fuck , the chemistry wasn 't there , whatever . But he liked me . So get naked , I suggested . He climbed on me and kissed me . Naked , I said . He stripped . He had a nice gym body , very smooth . He undressed me . We went to my bed . I sat back as he sucked me . His preferred mode was deep throat , and very wet . He drooled all over my pubes . " Don 't cum , " he entreated . In the words of the poet Bugs Bunny : she don 't know me very well , do she ? " Just suck me , " I instructed . " I 'll take care of that . " After a while , I pushed him back and went to work on his tits . He was nicely worked out , and very sensitive . He liked my hands on his skin . I tugged Posted by After my birthday breakfast in bed - and after cleaning up from the bacon and egg breakfast I had subsequently prepared for the kids - I instant messaged William . Please tell me you are better . He was . He had slept most of the weekend , but he had been free of the fever for over a day . We were on . It was freezing out , but the kids wanted to play basketball . We were at the park when Lucy arrived to take them for her days of single parenting . This ended my days as a single parent , and began my days as a single man . I had two hours before William arrived . I cleaned the apartment , put out candles and the " sex sheets , " and prepared for his gang bang . William was nervous when he arrived . We talked and I offered the encouragement that he had done very well with as many as five guys ; why gosh , this was only twice that many . With no other bottoms . And all of the men ready to fuck . We were both curious about Marc , a very hot looking guy we had meet on Craig 's List . He was a real chunk of young beefcake , and very well hung . Who knew if he would show , we thought . But damn if he wasn 't fine . The first of the men arrived early as William showered . He was a twenty - year - old string bean who had just had his first threesome two days earlier . This would be his first gang bang . He was early , and he was chatty . I had hoped to fuck William at the beginning and keep throwing men at him as they arrived , but oh well . We talked . Other men arrived , all from Craig 's List . The men we already knew had phoned to say they would be running late . William was still nervous , and conversation is not brilliant with strangers expecting a gang bang . He went into the bedroom and stripped , trying to relax . I followed and kissed him . You are going to do fine , I said . I will be here for you . One of the men followed up , and stripped as we talked . He came over and put his dick in William 's mouth . William flopped on his belly and sucked away . I didn 't have to worry about this boy . The string bean came in and undressed . I went back to the living room to tend to tPosted by Monday was my birthday , so I threw a party for someone else . I met William online a while back for some pick - up sex . We traded instant messages , and I liked that he was so quick witted . He had the stupidest photo I had ever seen : he was holding a three - foot dildo over his head , like a trophy boa constrictor . After some back and forth , he instant messaged : " Wanna fuck ? " Yes , I did . Could I find some guys to join us ? I could try . I made a few calls . He was much cuter in person than his photo . He 's 24 , a tad over six feet tall , with curly black hair and dark eyes . He smiles a lot , showing beautiful white teeth . I had arranged for two other guys to join us . They were good looking , and the sex was fine . But William and I had eyes only for each other . Literally - as I fucked him , he locked his eyes on mine . Those dark eyes , looking up at me , his lips open as he breathed . I kissed him , and his mouth was alive and sensuous . I felt that swelling in my heart that says : buy a house and make him yours . I gripped his thick long cock as I fucked him . He came , bucking his body as he covered his belly and chest . William went to clean up . I was fucking one of the other guys when he returned and started to dress . " What gives , you 're leaving ? " I asked . " It 's what I do , " he said . " I cum , I go . " " We need to break you of that very bad habit , " I admonished . We 've been together several times since then . He has learned to stick around after sex . But if he ever slept over , I would have to assume we were engaged . I eventually learned that he is a celebrity of the downtown demimonde . I see him now and then in gay social magazines , smiling with John Cameron Mitchell or Sweetie , a famed drag queen and mistress of ceremonies . I have no business fucking someone as cute and hip as William . But until he figures that out , his ass is mine . We 've had numerous group sex experiences , and he had been clamoring for his first gang bang . Just him and maybe ten tops . So for my birthday , I decided to make his dream come true . " No other bottomPosted by Today is my birthday . The kids woke me with breakfast in bed . Buttered toast , orange juice and enough cereal to choke a horse . They laughed and danced around my bedroom - they had pulled off a surprise ! And the toast was perfect ! Lillie gave me a present : a toothbrush she had bought with her own money . I promised to use it right after my delicious breakfast . They asked , so when is our breakfast ? Are you making bacon and eggs ? We love bacon . Bacon has become a big part of my life , a symbol of my new freedom . During my marriage , there was no bacon . Lucy and I did not eat beef or pork , and turkey bacon was a poor substitute for the real thing . Shortly after our break up , about the time I was waking up to sex , I began to order bacon with my breakfast . God , what was I thinking in giving that up ? Bacon is just so damn good . Bacon , sex and freedom . My friends know my thing for bacon . This morning , as I was preparing to make breakfast for the kids , there was a knock at the door . A delivery from Lobel 's , the great Upper East Side butcher . Two pounds of bacon , with a card : happy birthday from Jessica . She is so good with the meat and potatoes of life . Such great serendipity augurs well for the day . I made bacon , eggs and cheese grits . We gorged on a giant breakfast . The kids go back to their mom this evening . I have arranged a few very good birthday gifts to myself , and my friends have arranged others . I am going to have incredible wall - to - wall sex this week . I had just removed my coat when Anna was at my door . She brought champagne . I opened the bottle and poured two flutes . It was nearly midnight . We sat talking . We both changed into pajamas , and talked some more . The champagne held out for a long time . Anna and the champagne washed away memories of the boorish dinner conversation . It was three when we went to bed . I fell asleep quickly ; she sat up reading in my bed . My cock was hard and in a wet swirl . I lifted my eye lids . A gray morning light came in the window . I was disconcerted at first - who is that ? Oh , Anna . . . Anna was nude , sucking my cock . I stroked her hair . She was giving it her full force . " I want you to cum , " she said . " No , " I murmured . " Not before I fuck you . Let me enjoy this for now . " She sucked me , slow , long , deep . My body began to wake to her . She kissed me , mounting my body , sliding her pussy against my cock . She gets so wet . She slipped back and forth on me ; I pushed up and back , feeling her soak me . She opened a condom , and put it in her lips . She rolled it on to me with her mouth and tongue . She was on me again , and I was in her . I kissed her , and took her full breasts in my hands . My mouth wanted those full nipples , and took them . She worked her taunt vaginal muscles on me . She is a dancer , with great muscle control . In sex , she opens and closes her vaginal walls at will , as easily as you might pucker or blow . She wanted me to take her . I put her back on my pillows , holding her wrists back over her head . I kissed her as I entered again . Slow kisses , slow deep fucking . Harder . She lifted back her legs , with her full limber extension . I pulled up to watch her pussy take my cock , to see the muscles in her belly contract . Her pubic hair naturally grows in a form that other women wax and strive toward . There is a small tuft just on her pubis , with the skin around her labia smooth and clean , revealing her very pink slit and clit . She came . I wanted it . I licked her , sucking her pussy of its juices . Two fingers went into her . Her vagina bloomed fPosted by Last weekend was supposed to be my weekend with the kids , but Lucy took them when I was unexpectedly hospitalized . That meant our weekends were now swapped , and the kids were to be with me this weekend . Only one problem : when this was originally scheduled as my weekend without the kids , I had made plans for a work - related dinner on Saturday that I could not get out of . Lucy agreed to take the kids overnight . That saved the day : I could attend the dinner . It also opened a window of opportunity for a sleepover date after the dinner . I called Anna . She 's been glum that we haven 't been together in a little while . She was glad this opportunity had presented itself , and she would meet me at my place once my dinner was over . That afternoon , the kids and I played basketball and soccer . We had the park to ourselves , as it was pretty cold . Once they were off with their mom , I went to my dinner engagement . It started well . I was seated opposite a woman who was opening a business with her husband . She was full of infectious enthusiasm and energy about it . To my right was a blowhard lawyer who came to dominate the conversation . As he talked , I realized that he was stoned off his gourd . Being so stoned in this context is very déclassé . This was an art party , and at these , you sometimes encounter people with money who assume that being among artsy folk means they can be " bohemian " - to the detriment of good manners . His spouse was shunted to a far corner , apparently unwilling to talk much . He chose me as his foil , and so throughout dinner , he offered tedious and facile opinions about art , my area of expertise . I didn 't care to get engaged . He said MoMA 's new architecture was awful . It 's disappointing , I concurred . Too few very good artists are recognized , he pontificated . It 's a hard field , I agreed . The conversation shifted to politics , and really , in polite society , it just shouldn 't have . But what can you do ? The Bush inauguration is days away , and people are thinking about it . My elbow mate posited the opinion thPosted by The hospital misadventure screwed up most of my week . This interfered with many things - including my final date with Scarlet . When she first came into my life a few weeks ago , we knew our time was limited . She had found my blog and decided to use her winter break from school , as she put it , " to get better sex than I can get in my home town . " The two of us hit it off well , and she made the most of the opportunity to take part in two of the biweekly orgies I host with my friends . She met new friends through the parties . She was going to be back in the city now and then , and would see a few of them . But now that school was starting back , the two of us would have to end out torrid affair . She had her job and classes , I had work and kids , and our schedules just didn 't fit . Maybe another time , we hoped . On Friday , I put aside work , and she made the trip into the city so that we could have a few final hours together . I met her at the train . We were already old sweethearts with this routine . We talked and held hands as we took the subway to my neighborhood . It was gray and rainy , unseasonably warm - the kind of weather that is too cold to go without scarves , and too warm for winter coats . Neither here nor there . I didn 't have time to shower before getting the kids off to school , so I shaved and took a long shower when we returned to my place . I needed something to settle my body temperature , and to wash off the feeling of unattractiveness that clung to me after the recent deformity of my neck . I wrapped myself in a towel and went to her . We kissed . Come to bed , I said . I put aside my towel and got under the covers . She undressed and cuddled next to me . The feel of our skin together , after so much longing , was electric . We kissed and held one another . I was alive with the desire to be touching her , craving to be in her . We had time to enjoy this , to feel our want for one another , to let that happen . I was divided between desire and hunger , grateful to cup my palm on her breast , gentle and tender , even as I wanted to bite oPosted by I was released from the hospital late on Monday afternoon , armed with prescriptions for oral medications . My neck looked almost normal . I still had a sore tight knot . What I had was a necrotic lymph node , which I understood to be an infection of my lymph glands . Ten days of antibiotics should bring that under control , I was told ; a follow up visit would determine if minor surgery would be needed . " Necrotic " was going to be my word of the week . It sounded like there was something dead and nasty in me . I walked home to dive head first into email and work . A good night 's sleep , and I was back into it on Tuesday . I had a lot to do before Wednesday , when I would once again have the kids . Parenting would then take over my life through the long weekend . I despaired about sex . It had been a week since the most recent orgy , and I had spent several days of that time in the hospital . With so much time lost for work , and with the kids to be with me all weekend , I was looking at a long dry spell . Two weeks . From one orgy until the next . Would there be time for sex in the interim ? As I worked , I got an instant message from Marla . She 's been busy most nights with a new boy in her neighborhood . He 's good , she tells me , but lacking in oral skills and not really one for restraining her as she likes . Could I fit her in for lunch ? Just what the doctor ordered . A few moments later , she emailed : could she bring a surprise ? I do not look a gift horse in the mouth . She shows up at my door - with Jake . And about a half hour for sex before she has to be back at her office . There 's only one rub . Jake is in my neighborhood fresh from a doctor 's appointment . He 's been tested for STIs and allergies , and this has left him feeling that he wants a good dose of abstinence . He had self - prescribed a twenty - four hour sexual detox , never realizing he would wind up on my doorstep with Marla . Jake is true to his resolutions . He sits by as I undress Marla , drop my clothes , and get to work on her pussy . I let her clit hood piercing rattle against my teePosted by Lucy and the kids returned for another visit on Sunday . May called during the visit , again using the hospital line . I told her I would call her back after they left . That morning , a doctor told me that she had ordered a new CAT scan . No word on when they would send for me , but I had nothing but time to kill . I read and watched my IV drip . Anna visited around six . She took off her coat , kissed me and sat on the bed . She was just examining my neck when a nurse showed up with a wheelchair . My CAT scan called . I told Anna I would be back soon . I was returned to my room about a half hour later . Anna was in her coat and holding her hat in her hands . She sat as erect as Mary Poppins . " How did it go ? " she asked . " Fine , " I said . " Do you have to go ? " " Yes , " she replied . " The phone rang while you were away . Your girlfriend called . " May was still referring to herself as my girlfriend . Anna got to hear that . This put Anna and me in the position of having that conversation we so often have . Yes , I am seeing other women . No , I don 't have a girlfriend . No , I don 't want a girlfriend . She asks the questions , I offer succinct answers . I offered the further elaboration that this " girlfriend " now lived in California and we were not seeing each other . I felt like some lying jerk in a movie . I offered to walk Anna to the elevator . She was capable of walking by herself , thanks . I sat for a few minutes , stewing . A nurse hooked me up to my IV . I returned May 's call . Another hour of news about life and new job . I phoned Anna to apologize . It 's no problem , she said . We understand each other . Just get better - I want to see you away from that hospital . Nothing will get attention from friends and family like an unexpected hospitalization . Dacia and Jane stopped by on Saturday , bearing chocolate - chip banana bread and a stack of books . John Rechy , J T LeRoy , Michelle Tea , Phoebe Gloeckner . . . all first person sex narratives ! Yes , dear reader , your favorite sex bloggers really do their research , all for you . The ladies agreed that I looked pretty gender - bendy now that I had a breast growing out of my neck . Jane photographed me in bed , looking as sick as I could manage . " That picture is for the obituary , " Dacia said . We gossiped for a while until Lucy stopped by with the kids . Never one to be subtle , Lucy asked the ladies to leave . They set out in search of brunch while the kids got acquainted with the gears and buttons of my hospital bed . Lucy had stopped by my apartment to pick up pajamas , toothpaste , my cell charger and a few other essentials . Her eyes avoided my IV ; she has a terrible aversion to medical procedures . Just being in a hospital meant summoning a reservoir of courage . She did it , though , for me and for the kids . It helped the kids to see that Dad was not in dire straights . The swelling in my neck had begun to subside , and I was in good spirits . This was especially comforting to our youngest son , who had cried when a schoolmate explained that hospitals are where people go to die . We passed the afternoon , eating Dacia 's banana bread and my bland lunch as a football playoff alternated with " Rugrats " on television . After their visit , I recharged my cell and made a few calls . Mom , Rachel , Jennifer , Marcus , Scarlet . . . Anna offered some cooing sex talk as evening settled . Lucy called , and we talked for a long time . The day 's longest conversation , though , had occurred before visiting hours . I had not spoken with May since her instant message break up . I really couldn 't sit in the hospital without letting her know what had happened to me . I didn 't have much juice on my cell when I called , but I gave her the run down on my condition . She was certaiPosted by |
On May 25 , 2017 By fireball790In UncategorizedLeave a comment Tonight I am revisiting my old friend , the blog . For the past few months I have been opening up my google drive , typing away my most intimate private parts of my life for the entire world to see . And I do mean the entire world , to date my weekly series has visited 48 countries . Since I began the series I had a plan . A plan and a timeline . By my calculations , I should still be waking up daily to head to my office and stand in as an oral surgery tech , come home , and write . But my series won over the attention of a publishing company , Sunny Day , and I was able to quit my job and write full - time . I am now taking my series and turning it into a book . Like I said by my calculations I should still be a working stiff , but I have never been good at math . Tonight I am grateful to be home . On my deck . Writing this blog . While I see the day slipping away and the evening set in , I am listening to natures night life begin to awaken and start their " day " . I am happy to have opened this page on WordPress and spill my thoughts all over my laptop . It has been a while since I have shared my thoughts with my readers and tonight as I find my self removed from my old life and settling into my new one , I figured tonight was a good night to begin blogging again . The past few weeks have been nothing shy of a whirl wind for me . Leaving my job was bitter - sweet . I guess I didn 't realize that my job was so much more than a job for me . I have been going to the same place , day in and day out for over two years and I got attached to everyone I worked with . They went from total strangers , to a different kind of family . A family who accepted me and my weirdness , questioned my life choices and helped me when I was down . I miss them . I miss my job . I miss my patients . But they also knew it was time for me to break away and head in a new direction . It was time for me to finally be who I was meant to be . A writer . Getting a book deal , for me anyway , is nothing like the movies . I don 't have a deadline or a check for $ 10 , 000 , 000 in my hands . I have weeks . Weeks to wait patiently before I get my edits back to see how my book is progressing . I have time . Time to think about each and every word that I have written and each one I will write . All day long in my head I write and rewrite future chapters . I read everything I have written to see what the heck they saw in me in the first place . And I think . I think about everything I had gone through to get to tonight . To this deck attached to this house . To this life , that I love . I think about the pain , tears , and even blood that lead me to this life . I would not change any of it for even a second . In order to live this life , I had to live another one before . A life that was hard but also not unfamiliar to many people . I was given this life because I am strong enough to live and now I am strong enough to write about it . I will keep blogging about my book writing journey . I will keep you all updated . In the meantime , read my series again . Listen to my podcast ' link below ' and follow me on yet another journey of self discovery . On May 19 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Click on the link to hear my very first podcast show . Bear with me as I am still working out the kinks . Soon to be released on iTunes and Google Play . If you or someone you know is or has been in a narcissistic relationship and you are interested in being a guest on my show , please email me at ~ letsgetwickeddeep @ yahoo . com On May 10 , 2017 By fireball790In UncategorizedLeave a comment I want to thank everyone who has been reading , sharing , posting , and most of all supporting me on this journey to create awareness of Narcissism , and everything that comes with it , in relationships . As you know I have been writing each week about my personal experiences within my own relationship . I have received so many calls , texts , messages , and emails of support , questions , concerns and Ah ~ Ha moments in some of your lives . I write to help . So it is sad for me to let you all know the series will NOT continue for me . I have hung up my weekly blog " Signs in the Rear View Mirror " for good . But I am happy to announce that I have signed a book deal with Sunny Day Publishing to put my experance into a book . Whoot ! ! ! While I write my book , I will continue to blog just not about my relationship . I have also created a PodCast " Lets Get Wicked Deep with Kelly Smith " that will soon be launching . On my show I will have recovering Narcissists , empaths , and friends and family from both side . It is my goal to continue to expose this personality disorder and all that it entails . So stay tuned for not only my book but my PodCast as well . If you or anyone you know would like to be a guest on my show , please send me a message at letsgetwickeddeep @ yahoo . com . Please follow my blog and my social media sites for updates on my progress and be sure to download and listen to my new PodCast ! ! ! ! On April 6 , 2017April 6 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Freedom . According to Merriam - Webster , freedom is defined as the absence of necessity , coercion , or constraint in choice or action . It comes in many forms and means something different to all of us . Lately , I have been living vicariously through my second oldest Godson Zackary . Zack is 23 and he is an amazing young man . I don 't mean amazing in a way that only a Godmother would see her Godson but rather , he is amazing in spirit . He is honest , reliable and incredibly free spirited . He is secure enough with himself to grow his hair out , take crap for it and never think twice of someone else 's opinion of him . He lives the life he wants to live and is only concerned with what he and the good Lord think of his decisions . Like all kids , they rely heavily on us for support . Whether it be food , transportation , finances or to simply cheer them on from the sideline and be there to lift them up after a major loss , we are there every step of the way . As we watch them grow , we are proud of the choices they make and who they are becoming . But at some point , we become less and less of a priority to them and we end up observing their lives after they have moved out on their own . Through the sometimes blurry windows of social media , there are glimpses into their daily lives , friendships and careers . They come home when they can and even occasionally take a call or return a text . For the most part , they are on the forefront of our minds and we are in their back pockets as sort of a safety net when they need us . It is nothing personal , but it is part of the growing pains we feel as a parent ( Godparent in this case ) . We love our kids from a distance and watch the wings we have given them begin to expand . This past Christmas , instead of watching Zack 's typical life adventures that take him snowboarding , cliff jumping or hopping in his car to go where the wind takes him , he let me know he was coming home for a few days . Zack sneaks in and out as to not upset or disturb the lives of the people he can 't see . This year , I was lucky enough to not only get a text back and a call , but I was able to come face to face with the elusive boy turned man that I am grateful to call family . Five years have passed since our divorce and like every Christmas Eve , Derek has the kids until 10pm . He brings them to my house and they boys and I are able to wake up and spend Christmas Day together . I was getting ready to go to a friend 's house for a group Christmas Eve dinner when my phone buzzed . I looked down . Zack was on his way ! We texted back and forth a few times until his face was finally at my front door . He rang the bell and walked in . Zack standing 5 ' 11 with this dark brown hair grown out to his shoulders , was wearing a giant smile on his face and peaking through his lips were his shiny white teeth . I rushed over and threw my arms around him , squeezing him tightly . Zack , who is not much of a hugger knew the drill … I will not release him from the hug until l get both arms around me . He did what he knew had to and he hugged me back . We made small talk about life and the amazing journey he was on , places he had been visiting and about his love life . We sat outside on the back deck , he took pictures of the water and took in the view , I texted my son , Todd , to let him know Zack was at the house and invited him to come by to see him . As we chatted , laughed , and talked about his future plans , a flash of light bounced off the stone pillars on the deck . I looked behind me and thought I saw a headlight and figured it was my son . Todd and Zack got along pretty well and it was always great when they could get together . As my own kids grew , one ran off to college to play lacrosse in Missouri and the other one went off to school but stayed in Texas and my Godsons , all four of them followed suit . Three took off to play college football in different states and the youngest headed off to serve his mission for two years in Argentina . So , with all the boys scattered , it was a blessing to see all of them together again when possible . It wasn 't a surprise to see that Todd rushed over to see Zach , even if only for a few minutes . A minute or two passed and when Todd didn 't come barreling through the door , I figWeird , I thought . Maybe it was Todd and he was finishing up a call ? I was startled when I heard a knock at the door . I looked at Zack and without reason , my heart sank . I looked at the door and through the frosted glass opening , I could a face looking inside . We made our way into the house and towards the door . Zack followed close behind me and I began to make out the figure . Derek ? I thought to myself . I thought to myself he must be bringing Joseph , our youngest son , now 15 , over early for Christmas Eve , but had no idea why he would do that . As I got closer to the door , I was now convinced it was Derek and I was excited for him to see Zack . As we approached the door we laughed and thought it was a great coincidence that he came by while Zack was visiting . As I opened the door and peeked my head out just a little , my heart , my jaw and my stomach hit the floor . My mouth dried up , chest grew tight and I anxiously locked eyes with Zack . Seconds later , Jake pushed the door open and walked in … Why is it you can see things so clearly while looking in the rear view mirror ? Why is it you can 't see what is going on in front of your face , but it is clear as day when looking back on it ? I have no answer for you , but I have a lot of experience with this . I have been looking back on the past five years a lot lately . Those past years have been sitting heavily on my mind a lot lately . They have weighed me down . I have been trying to figure out why . As I have been living my life , breezing through my days , I have seen signs . Number signs . I have been seeing the three digits that have reminded me of him a lot lately , 916 . At first , I thought it was a coincidence , but then I began to see the sequence more and more . At … On March 2 , 2017 By fireball790In Uncategorized2 Comments Even after the cavalcade of red flags marched in and made themselves comfortable in my life , I chose to move forward in the relationship with Jake . Each morning , I made sure those red flags ate breakfast and had a lunch packed for the day . I took good care of those warnings and I was prepared to defend the relationship if ever a questions was raised . I made sure that the omnipresent feeling in my gut ( of which I never listened to ) was buried deep within , covered by layers of guilt , codependency , depression and justification . This constant need to validate my relationship was more for me than anyone else … par for the course when dealing with an empath . Seven months into this toxic relationship , Jake proposed . He moved to Texas and soon after , he began an affair with his co worker . It would be months before I knew what was happening . His manipulation , cheating and abuse led me down a twisted spiral of anxiety and pain which eventually drove me into the arms of a recovery program that changed my entire life . I am taking a break to prepare myself for season 2 . I have to process the resurrection of old wounds and exposing my relationship in this way . I want to thank all of you for your unconditional support . I have never felt more loved and supported . Season 2 is underway and will be released in late March . On February 23 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment With tear - filled eyes , a heavy heart , and mild hatred for myself lingering in the back of my mind , I write this episode . It has been a difficult yet therapeutic process for me . When I first started putting this series together months ago , before pen ever touched paper , I was afraid of my own feelings . I was scared that I would start feeling something for him again . I was afraid I was going to miss him or fall back in " love " with him . But this process has had quite the opposite effect on me . I feel today as if he never existed . As much as I would love to tell you that he and this relationship were made up in my mind … they weren 't . The tears are real . The pain is thick and it 's heavy . The tears and pain are not for him , but for me . As I write I realize that I love the girl I am writing about . Five years ago , I didn 't . Twenty years ago , I didn 't . As I grew up , self - hatred was as learned skill and was all that I knew , especially when I didn 't know who I was . I had no idea of the anger that lived deep within and the magnitude of the toll it took on me . Today , after years in my recovery program , I see this amazing , strong , intelligent , happy , fun loving mom and woman . I am here for a reason . I have this writing gift for a reason . I lived the life I did for a reason . I am here to write for me and for you . You the one who needs it most . The one who is confused and scared . I write this for you . From the moment you find out you are pregnant , you have a responsibility to the life living within you . You are responsible for eating well , not drinking alcohol , and not inhaling fumes from the cars driving in front of you . As your belly grows , for most of us , so does the love we have for the little unknown stranger living inside us . We talk to the stranger and somehow fall in love and become totally connected . After they are born it 's a motherly instinct to protect them and care for them . To make sure you pass on the important life lessons and keep them safe , no matter what . When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son , Todd , I was 17 and not interested in being a mom . As the months passed , I became more familiar with this stranger and I found myself enamored with him . While Derek was away in college , I would lay in bed and talk to the " stranger " living inside me . At the time , I had no idea if he were a boy or a girl so the conversation was gender neutral . One night after my school day was over , homework was done and I finished my shift at the donut shop , I finished reading the baby one of my favorite Dr Seuss books . I asked the " stranger " a question and asked the baby to kick to answer me . We talked about hockey . Football . Whether it was boy or a girl . After a few kicks here and there , I determined that said baby would play hockey when he / she grew up . To this day , Todd is not much of a liar and now , at the age of twenty - two , he 's the captain of his college lacrosse team . I guess Lacrosse is pretty close to hockey , so it all worked out . That night , over twenty - two years ago , sitting alone in my bed talking to this little stranger , we formed a bond . The day he was born , I gazed into those tiny brown eyes surrounded by the softest , pinkest skin and I apologized for being his mom . I told him I would do the best I could for him and I did . Derek and I both did . That was until I did not . Until I gave him and his two brothers all - access passes with front row seats to what an abusive relationship lookThe divorce was finalized in April . Five months and three days from the day Derek moved out and our relationship ended . That summer was the first time we did not plan a family vacation . I began to look into a beach house for me and boys to stay in for a ten - day getaway . I wanted to go home to Boston have them see our extended family and it was just a bonus that Jake would be there and it was an opportunity for him to get to know the kids better . I started to plan with Derek to figure out the details of when he would take vacation with them and when I would . A few days later I had the trip booked and the kids were excited to go to Boston for a vacation . After the ten days with me on the shore they were to fly directly to California to be with Derek for another ten days . I planned to stay with Jake while the boys were with their dad on the west coast and would meet them back in Texas . The plan was perfect . I was excited to have what I thought of as our first family vacation all perfectly planned … but of course , I was wrong . I was still in the denial of who Jake really was and by executing this plan , I chose to put my kids in the line of fire . A decision I regret to this very day . The morning we left Texas , we flew into Logan airport and got our rental car . The plan was to go see my friend Julia . After I picked Jake up , we drove to Julia 's house . She had extra bedding and was going to let us borrow it for the duration of our trip . I can 't remember exactly what happened that set Jake off , maybe I was late , maybe I gave him the wrong directions , but he was angry at me . As we pulled up to Julia 's house my stomach was in knots . My mouth was dry and I had no idea if he was going to be upset with me in front of her or if it was just a private show for me and my kids to experience . As he got out of the car , he was cheery and chipper . He thanked her for allowing us to use her bedding . Julia made a face at me and because right away she knew . She knew something was off . She had been dying to see the boys and wanted to hug them and talk to them , but Jake was clearly on a mission to leave . As he hurried things along , she covertly grabbed my hand in support . We drove away from her house and as she became smaller and smaller in my rear - view mirror , I broke a little inside . We went to the grocery store , gathered what we needed and we were off to the beach house . But even a small task like a trip to the grocery store turned into an excruciating event . He seemed to find fault with everything and everyone : how slow the line was moving and the checker wasn 't emptying the cart fast enough . He was infuriated . When we finally got to the house , I figured it would all settle down . There was Jake , out in front , putting on his nice guy charm with all the neighbors , his usual . Meanwhile , a storm was brewing inside . Boys will be boys , they left their bags on the floor and bounded toward the beach to see the water . Jake took issue with their " mess " . He said they were slobs and how could I as a mom let them live that way . I immediately defended them and told him they were excited to be at the beach and they didn 't need to be neat while on a vacation . I did not understand why he was so bothered . To keep him calm , I called the boys back and had them put their stuff away . They were not super happy with this , but they did it . Jake had rules . He wanted everything planned . He wanted everything clean and in order all the time . No excuses . I didn 't raise my kids that way and they had enough on their minds with the divorce . I figured a beach vacation would be fun . Mindless . Good memories . During the day , Jake worked and would come to the house afterwards . We would go to the beach , swim and fly kites . At times , we went to the arcades , played games and stuffed our faces with junk food . Fried dough , cotton candy and beach pizza . We went on rides and played games . The kids collected tickets from skee ball and cashed them in for a harmonica , the same way I did when I was a kid . We drove to the go - cart track and raced each other . Some nights , we made bonfires and roasted marshmallows on the sand . We talked , joked and laughed . Other nights Jake would walk in carrying his bad day on his shoulders and alcohol on his breath . That was a sure - fire sign that it wasn 't going to be a good night . When I sensed a bad day , I cleaned the house the best I could and would leave the kids by themselves at the beach to come in and make sure everything looked perfect . But I was never able to get the house cleaned enough . A few nights in he came to the house and as he walked in he began inspecting . He saw things he didn 't like and he was sure to scold me . Beach sand on the floor ( go figure ) , food on the counter and not in the cabinet and clothes not put away . One night , after inspecting , as he began to roll up his sleeves to clean , the kids came in . More times than I care to admit , my kids witnessed Jake abusing me . They heard him call me names . They would pick me up off the floor when I was sobbing . They held me when I could not hold myself up . They saw me fall . Their hearts broke for me over and over and I just could not see what was really happening . I could not recognize that they were enduring second hand abuse . They were scared for me and so very confused . They hated Jake and the way he treated me but they were also afraid of him . Afraid of what he might do to them if they stood up for me . Afraid of what their dad would do if they told him any of this . So , they didn 't say anything and they didn 't do anything . They stood by watching their mom fall apart and they suffered , silently and alone . My boys suffered because I was not strong enough to remove myself from this abuse . Not strong enough for me . I let this happen to them and I may never be able to forgive myself because I didn 't protect them from him . I did eventually get out and away , but the damage had already been done . They may have seen me fall , cry on the floor , insulted and bruised , but they are also now seeing my rise from the wreckage . They are seeing me stand up , proud and tall . They are seeing me help others . They have witnessed me fight and become the strong woman I am today . A woman who can take care of herself . A woman who has met abuse face to face and has won . I fought for me but I also fought for them . Whether the kids were his or not , they should never see their mom or dad being abused in anyway shape or form . Kids , even from infancy know exactly what is going on . They do not deserve to be in the middle of such toxicity . If you or anyone you know is in this sort of relationship , know you do not have to stay because you have kids . You are teaching them it is OKAY to be treated this way . Please , I implore you to not let them grow up thinking this sort of relationship is normal or even acceptable . They deserve a happy life without second hand abuse . By staying , enduring and " taking it " , you are allowing their minds to be distorted , just the same way I did . Kelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror Episode 6 : Discovering You , Discovering Me … On February 16 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized1 Comment I can 't pinpoint exactly when it happened . Or when it began to happen . But somewhere between the romantic texts and calls , gifts and door openings , he morphed into who he really was . Over time and in his own sloppiness , pieces of him began to show . Each time a piece of the real Jake began to peek through , he quickly diverted my attention and I thought I was imagining things . But I wasn 't . He was just good at what he did . He was good at his craft . He had years and years of practice before seeking me out . In the beginning , while he was " courting " me , we discussed deal breakers and what our turn offs were . I was not attracted to men who smoked and I could not be with anyone who did . He told me he didn 't smoke , but he used to and quit because it was a " gross habit " . We talked about our families , our past relationships and everything in between . I told him about my dad and how he passed away at 50 because he was an alcoholic and never took care of himself . I told him how awful it was growing up with an alcoholic dad who was also addicted to gambling . It was no way to live and I refused to let that back into my life . He told me about his parents and the abuse he endured while growing up . He said he didn 't like the environment he was raised in and because of the way his mom would yell , he hated to be yelled at . He told me about his drinking habits from years ago and how he didn 't do that anymore . He also revealed that he used to gamble , but it was too risky now . At the time , this was all music to my ears because Jake was a changed man and he had learned from his mistakes . Derek never had any of those vices . He liked ice cream and coaching our boys ' teams . This was a whole new kind of relationship and although different , I assumed it would be fundamentally the same . As Jake and I talked and I learned more and more about him , I felt better during my discovery phase . Little didAs the time passed , I realized more and more of what we had talked about was not the real him . During a visit home to Boston , I drove past the car dealership where Jake worked . As clear as day I could see him standing outside smoking with one of his coworkers . The cigarette went from his mouth , down to his side and back up again . I watched him smoking as I sat in traffic . Now , because I know I was a bit of a tyrant with Derek , I didn 't want to be a crazy person and freak out on him . Instead , I texted him and I asked him if he was outside smoking . His response was that he was standing near someone who was smoking but he would never , calling it " a filthy habit " . Wow , I thought to myself . He just lied to me and … So easily . I saw with my own two eyes him put a cigarette to his mouth and he just told me he didn 't . With further questioning , he eventually fessed up that he does smoke when he 's at work because it " helped relieve some stress " . After finding this out , I thought back to our conversation about it when we first met . I thought to myself , " Ok so he smokes when he 's stressed , that is not so bad at least he 's not a gambler and doesn 't drink very often " . Later that night , I picked him up from work we talked about it his smoking and the fact that he blatantly lied to me . This is when I learned that he didn 't like being pressed with questions and in fact , it made him very angry . I began to notice a trend … he got angry very easily and often . I could not understand why he just didn 't tell me in the beginning that he was a smoker . He didn 't like those sort of questions either so when he began to yell , I backed down . Weeks later , after I was back in Texas , I started to realize how much he drank . There was a pattern with him going out after work . At first , it didn 't happen all that often . While he was at work we would talk and text throughout the day and by the time he was off , he was in his car and I was on the phone with him . We would talk all night and then slowly , he started to call me less . Our conversations were shorter and his after work bar visits increased . While he was out , he would still text or call , but more often than not , he would ask me to call him at a certain time to remind him to leave the bar and go home . Eventually , my calls would go unanswered or he would pick up and yell at me for bothering him , hang up on me and then not take my calls . The next day he would apologize and express how bad he felt , stay home for a few nights and then the cycle would repeat . He had a pattern and I was beginning to become very familiar with it . One night , while I was home in Texas with my kids , he called to let me know he was going out . He again asked me to call him at midnight to remind him to go home . I reluctantly agreed and when I called , he got mad and hung up on me . A few hours later , my phone rang and Jake was on the other end of the line . He was panicked . He had been pulled over and had no idea what was going to happen . The call was cut short and I didn 't hear back from him that night . That was the night he was arrested with a DUI . The next morning , when he called he was a complete mess . He was crying because he was already on parole and was terrified that this would be a major violation and he would be sent back to prison . As we were on the phone , my heart was breaking for him . I was so upset and so scared . I immediately booked a flight for the next day so I could be there with him when he went to see his probation officer . He had previously been in jail for five years and that was because his best friend set him up by placing drugs in his house so the FBI would find them and he would take the fall . He was senteI wanted to protect him . I wanted to save him . I thought if anyone could love the darkness out of this man , it would be me . There were times when I saw such goodness in him . Once , when my grandmother was sick and in a nursing home back home in Boston , my mom called me and she was in a state of panic . She was worried about my grandmother and didn 't want to be alone . I told Jake what was going on with her and minutes later he was in his car headed to comfort my mom . He sat with both my grandmother and my mom until she was stable . He talked to them , made them laugh and held their hands . I felt better and my mom did too . He then began to go visit my grandmother in her nursing home . She had no idea who he was , but she had a smile on her face when he would enter the room . He visited weekly and for Christmas he gave her an angel that sat on top of her dresser . It would light up different colors and she adored it . I remember one day driving on the highway , a car almost hit me and as I swerved , I almost drove off the road . I called him upset and shaking . He talked to me calmly , had me pull over and asked me to check for something in the trunk . As I got out of the car and looked in the trunk , he told me there was nothing in there and he wanted me to breathe . There was a good man deep down and I saw a light in a very dark place . I thought , " If I loved him enough , the light would shine brighter and he would be ok " . We would be ok . I tried for years and finally I had to give up . As I incessantly tried to search for that dim , dull light inside of him , my light smoldered and eventually was extinguished . I could feel it burning out , but I thought I would be ok . I thought I could be enough for us both . Jake didn 't want to be saved . He felt there was nothing wrong with the way he talked to me . A few months into our relationship , we were at his parents ' house . He was living with them at the time because financially he could not get on his feet . He got into an argument with his parents and I remember my stomach turning andKelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror ~ Episode 5 : Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear . . On February 9 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized3 Comments As the days turned into months and life moved forward , my divorce became more and more of a reality . One afternoon while the kids were in school , Derek came over . He walked upstairs , cut through the living room and sat at the solid wood , custom ordered dining room table we picked out together . He took his usual seat and I pulled out the chair next to him . He opened my laptop that was already sitting on the table . As he began to type we made small talk and I watched the clock carefully . I was not expecting a call from Jake , but I was anxious . I was afraid he was going to discover my soon to be ex - husband was not only in my house but sitting at my table , next to me . He would not like that . As sweat began to produce in my hands , Derek and I filed for divorce … together . We picked out who would have the kids on which days . Who would have them on their birthdays and for which year . I would take Christmas and he would take Thanksgiving every other year . We had to decide who would have them on every single holiday , even Flag Day . As Americans , we have so many holidays . So as Derek and I figured out where our kids would be on Martin Luther King Jr . Day , I continued to watch the clock and my phone . We discussed health insurance , car insurance and who would pay what for the kids . He did the math in his head and I felt nostalgic because I loved that about him . He sat there with his eyes closed as he crunched numbers in his head and I just wanted to reach out to him one last time . I wanted to tell him I still loved him and wanted us to work , but I didn 't . I knew we no longer wanted the same things out of life . He spat out a few numbers , jotted them down and we moved on to other things . We sat next to each other for about an hour and dismantled the life we spent over 20 years building . And just like that , it was done . Over . Filed . We were getting divorced . Derek and I , who had our oldest son as teeThat day after Derek left , I made my way to my bedroom , crawled onto " our " bed and cried . I began to mourn the end of the only thing that was ever familiar to me . The only thing that was ever home to me . Derek and I in a sense grew up together . We had to figure out a lot of life while we were together . Now , I was on my own . But then again , I had Jake to lean on . I knew I had to call him before he began to wonder where I was . I sat up in my bed , wiped my tears , cleared my throat , and called Jake . I told him we filed and now we had the two month " cooling off " period and then it would be done . I had on a strong , cold can 't wait for it to just be over voice on while I talked to Jake . The truth was I was dying inside . I wanted to tell Jake how sad I was . I wanted to be able to open up to him and let him know I was hurting . I wanted him to take care of me and tell me everything was going to be ok … but I didn 't . I didn 't tell him what my heart was feeling . I didn 't think he would understand . I was not sure he was even capable of comprehending what I was going through . After we hung up , I threw the covers over my head and cried until I had to pick up the kids . I had a lot of moments like that . A lot of telling him great things about my days and what I was busy with , but in reality I was beginning to fall apart . The 5 to 10 days I thought I needed to get over Derek were turning out to be a lot longer and a lot more intense . I called Derek a lot . I cried to him a lot . He would take my calls and try to help me though it . He would respond to my texts and take me out to dinner to see if I was doing okay . I could tell Derek how I felt . I could tell Derek I missed him . I could fall apart with Derek … but not with Jake . So , I began to see a therapist . I knew I needed help getting through this . I knew Derek and I were not good together and that I wanted to be with Jake but I could not figure out why I was still so sad . Jake had no idea how much pain I was in . To this day , he has no idea how much I was suffering with the end of my marriage while trying so hard to begin something with him at the exact same time . A few times I thought about ending it with Jake , but then I would panic . I would be alone and that scared me . I thought it would be better to suffer than it was than to be alone . Suffering seemed to be my hobby at this point . The only thing I knew how to do and I did it well . Between dealing with my divorce and my relationship with Jake , I was a complete mess . While I was working through being on my own and trying to figure out who I was , Jake was asking where I was , who was I with and why didn 't I take his call . " Who do you talk to at the gym ? Why do you find it necessary to workout ? " he would ask . It became too much for me . All of the arguing with Jake was no longer worth it … so I gave up the gym . I began to eat fast food , cookies , pie … you name it . I was indulging daily on everything I was taught not to eat while I was competing and modeling . I began to add weight but I figured as long as I could still see my lower abs , I would be fine . Well , that didn 't last long . I was traveling back and forth from Texas to Boston twice a month and when I was home in Boston , I was eating and drinking . I no longer cared about working out and Jake insisted that he loved the way I looked … but deep down , I felt sad and gross . I missed my workouts and eating routine . But because it was less stress on my new relationship , I pushed those feeling down and covered them with burgers and fries . The only place I felt safe was when I was 30 , 000 feet in the air . Only then , could I be myself , let it all out and cry . Jake could not reach me and I didn 't have to pretend to be happy . The days I volunteered at the school slowly fizzled and soon I wasn 't helping out at the school anymore . I was slowly becoming a shell of my former self … . I would later realize I was falling into a deep depression . I was either crying over the end of my marriage , my family or I was explaining myself to Jake . Things started to get dark for me and the walls were closing in . I became unrecognizable to myself . One afternoon , after the kids left for their dad 's house , I was talking to Jake . After the call ended , I found myself on the bathroom floor , barely able to hold my head up . I was gone … so was my will to live . I rummaged through my pill bottles and swallowed as many as I could . I could not do it anymore . I could not take it anymore . I had no direction . I had no desire . I felt that I had nothing left . I felt I had no choice . I layed on the cold tile floor wondering what I had just done but not able to muster up the strength to react . Luckily , not long after , a friend who was in the neighborhood , dropped by to say hello . She found me there , limp on the bathroom floor , picked me up and managed to help me vomit . Needless to say , I failed at my attempt . To this day , neither Jake nor Derek , much less my kids knew I wanted to end my life that day . It isn 't until now , that they may learn of how gone I really was . It was a tough time in my life but I managed somehow to get through it . I kept seeing Jake and putting on a strong front when he was around . I put up that front because I knew Jake wouldn 't understand . I was not protecting him from anything . I was protecting me from him . I didn 't want him to know I was sad . He wouldn 't have liked it very much and it was just easier to pretend to be okay than it was to be honest with him about my feelings . He would not understand that I wasn 't still in love with Derek but mourning the loss of my marriage . I was just sad . So I faked it . I faked being happy with the way my life was going . Truth be told , I felt defeated , destroyed . I was in pieces and I needed some time to feel and recover from the end of my marriage . I needed to be on my own to figure out who I was . I needed time to just be with my kids and be there for them . I didn 't take time for me or for my kids . I chose to put Jake first . I chose to talk to him and listen to him bitch about his day rather than read to my sons or watch a movie with them . I chose to explain every single move I made to him over sitting close to my boys to make sure they were okay . I made these choices and I regret them to this very day . My kids needed a healthy mom more than I needed a man . A man who made me anxious and paranoid if I missed his call . A man who called me names and put me down when I was suicidal . A man who was so concerned about himself that he never once asked me if I was okay . A man who was so upset about my social media page that I had to go through and delete every guy friend and every picture I had of me , Derek and the kids . I was not ready to do that but I did it to please him . I deleted it all just to make things " easier " in my relationship with him . I had a choice in all of this and I chose him over everything , myself included . I didn 't love myself . I didn 't know how . I was lost and confused and I was weak . I thought at the time that what I was doing was right . But it wasn 't … |
A piece of writing that partakes of the nature of both speech and song that is nearly always rhythmical , usually metaphorical , and often exhibits such formal elements as meter , rhyme , and stanzaic structur . That 's I call poem . Readmore . . . On Wednesdays all over the internet , bloggers post a photograph with no words to explain it on their blog . Hence the ' wordless ' title . The idea is that the photo itself says so much that it doesn 't need any description . Readmore . . . What should I do with my life ? This is a powerful question most of us ask ourselves at some point in life . What is it that I should do with my life ? What is my purpose in life , my passion ? We help you discover how to find your purpose of life . Readmore . . . at some point of his or her life , has dreamed of being somebody special , somebody big . Who hasn 't fantasized about being the one who hits the game - winning homer ? Who hasn 't dreamed of being the homecoming queen ? And how many times have we dreamed of being rich , or successful , or happy with our relationships ? most common problem to setting goals is the word impossible . Most people get hung up thinking I can 't do this . It 's too hard . It 's too impossible . No one can do this . On the other hand , some people suffer from dreaming totally outrageous dreams and not acting on them . The result ? Broken dreams , and tattered aspirations . If you limit yourself with self - doubt , and self - limiting assumptions , you will never be able to break past what you deem impossible . If you reach too far out header , list down things ' you know you can do ' . Under another header , write the things ' you might be able to do . ' And under one more , list the Now look at all the headers strive every day to accomplish the goals that are under things ' you know you can do ' . Check them when you are able to accomplish them . As you slowly are able to check all of your goals under You see , the technique here is not to limit your imagination . It is to aim high , and start working towards that goal little by little . However , it also is unwise to set a goal that is truly unrealistic . Those who just dream towards a goal without working hard end up disappointed and disillusioned . the other hand , if you told someone a hundred years ago that it was possible for man to be on the moon , they would laugh at you . If you had told them that you could send mail from here to the other side of the world in a few seconds , they would say you were out of your mind . But , through sheer desire and perseverance , these impossible dreams are now realities . Thomas Edison once said that genius is 1 % inspiration and 99 % perspiration . Nothing could be truer . For one to accomplish his or her dreams , there has to be had work and discipline . But take note that that 1 % has to be a think - big dream , and not some easily accomplished one . Ask any gym rat and he or she will tell you that there can be no gains unless you are put out of your comfort zone . Remember the saying , " No pain , no gain " ? That is as true as it can be . As the guy is not good with his words , this often cause the girl to be very upset . With that & the family 's pressure , the girl often vent her anger on him . As for him , he only endure it in silence . After a couple of years , the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas . Before leaving , he proposed to the girl : " I 'm not very good with words . But all I know is that I love you . If you allow me , I will take care of you for the rest of my life . As for your family , I 'll try my best to talk them round . Will you marry me ? " The girl went out to the working society , whereas the guy was overseas , continuing his studies . They sent their love through emails & phone calls . Though it 's hard , but both never thought of giving up . One day , while the girl was on her way to work , she was knocked down by a car that lost control . When she woke up , she saw her parents beside her bed . She realised that she was badly injured . Seeing her mum crying , she wanted to comfort her . But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh . She has lost her voice . . . . . . During the stay in hospital , besides silence cry , . . . it 's still just silence cry that accompanied her . Upon reaching home , everything seems to be the same . Except for the ringing tone of the phone . Which pierced into her heart every time it rang . She does not wish to let the guy know . and not wanting to be a burden to him , she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer . With that , she sent the ring back to him . In return , the guy sent millions and millions of reply , and countless of phone - calls , . . all the girl could do , besides crying , is still crying . . . The parents decided to move away , hoping that she could eventually forget everything and be happy . With a new environment , the girl learn sign language and started a new life . Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy . One day , her friend came and told her that he 's back . She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her . Since then , there wasn 't anymore news of him . A year has passed and her friend came with an envelope , containing an invitation card for the guy 's wedding . The girl was shattered . When she open the letter , she saw her name in it instead . " I 've spent a year 's time to learn sign language . Just to let you know that I 've not forgotten our promise . Let me have the chance to be your voice . I Love You " . With that , he slipped the ring back into her finger . The girl finally smiled . One day , when I was a freshman in high school , I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school . His name was Kyle . It looked like he was carrying all of his books . I thought to myself , " Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday ? He must really be a nerd . " As I was walking , I saw a bunch of kids running toward him . They ran at him , knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt . His glasses went flying , and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him . He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes . My heart went out to him . So , I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses , and I saw a tear in his eye . As I handed him his glasses , I said , " Those guys are jerks . They really should get lives . " He looked at me and said , " Hey thanks ! " There was a big smile on his face . I helped him pick up his books , and asked him where he lived . As it turned out , he lived near me , so I asked him why I had never seen him before . He said he had gone to private school before now . I would have never hung out with a private school kid before . We talked all the way home , and I carried some of his books . He turned out to be a pretty cool kid . I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends . He said yes . We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle , the more I liked him , and my friends thought the same of him . Monday morning came , and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again . I stopped him and said , " Boy , you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday ! " He just laughed and handed me half the books . Over the next four years , Kyle and I became best friends . When we were seniors , we began to think about college . Kyle decided on Georgetown , and I was going to Duke . I knew that we would always be friends , that the miles would never be a problem . He was going to be a doctor , and I was going for business on a football scholarship . I was so glad it wasn 't me having to get up there and speak . Graduation day , I saw Kyle . He looked great . He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school . He filled out and actually looked good Today was one of those days . I could see that he was nervous about his speech . So , I smacked him on the back and said , " Hey , big guy , you 'll be As he started his speech , he cleared his throat , and began . " Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years . Your parents , your teachers , your siblings , maybe a coach . . . but mostly your friends . I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them . I am going to tell you a story . " I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met . He had planned to kill himself over the weekend . He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn 't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home . If you think you are unhappy , look at them : If you think your salary is low , how about her ? If you think you don 't have many friends . . . When you feel like giving up , think of this man . . If you think you suffer in life , do you suffer as much as he does ? If you complain about your transport system , how about them ? If your society is unfair to you , how about her ? Are you still complaining ? Observe around you and be thankful for all that you have in this transitory life time . . We are fortunate , we have much more than what we need to be content . Let 's try not to feed this endless cycle of consumerism and immorality in which this " modern and advanced " society forgets and ignores the other two thirds of our brothers and sisters . Read more . . . P / S : Just be yourself . Nobody is perfect , and that 's part of the beauty of being human . Hopefully , as we travel along on life 's journey , we become increasingly brave about exploring who we really are and can enjoy sustained , robust , excellent mental health . As I said " I 'm only human " . It 's Thursday . Means that I need to pack my belongings . Not all because this is my final semester . So , no need to bring a lot of stuff to the hostel . Is it too early ? It 's true . But I need to attend a scout camping . I must get the wood badge . I did put a lot off effort to go this far . Why wasting my time and money if I couldn 't pass the last obstacles with flying colours ? " Be Prepared . " That 's the motto of the Scouts . " Be prepared for what ? " someone once asked Baden - Powell , the founder of Scouting , " Why , for any old thing . " said Baden - Powell . The training you receive in your troop will help you live up to the Scout motto . When someone has an accident , you are prepared because of your first aid instruction . Because of lifesaving practice , you might be able to save a non - swimmer who has fallen into deep water . But Baden - Powell wasn 't thinking just of being ready for emergencies . His idea was that all Scouts should prepare themselves to become productive citizens and to give happiness to other people . He wanted each Scout to be ready in mind and body for any struggles , and to meet with a strong heart whatever challenges might lie ahead . Be prepared for life - to live happily and without regret , knowing that you have done your best . That 's what the Scout motto means . So , wish me luck and all the best to my fellow friends . Hey , what should I pack ? I wonder . Nah , forget it . Hutan Lipur Kawang here I come . This teenager lived alone with his father , and the two of them had a very special relationship . Even though the son was always on the bench , his father was always in the stands cheering . He never missed a game . This young man was still the smallest of the class when he entered high school . But his father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn 't want to . But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there . He was determined to try his best at every practice , and perhaps he 'd get to play when he became a senior . All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game , but remained a bench warmer all four years . His faithful father was always in the stands , always with words of encouragement for him . When the young man went to college , he decided to try out for the football team as a " walk - on . " Everyone was sure he could never make the cut , but he did . The coach admitted that he kept him on the roste because he always puts his heart and soul into every practice , and at the same time , provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed . The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father . His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games . This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college , but he never got to play in the game . It was the end of his senior football season , and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big play off game , the coach met him with a telegram . The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent . Swallowing hard , he mumbled to the coach , " My father died this morning . Is it all right if I miss practice today ? " The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said , " Take the rest of the week off , son . And don 't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday . Saturday arrived , and the game was not going well . In the third quarter , when the tRead more . . . His son replied , " Oh that ! … . well … . Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off … . you said : " Hey lady , leave me alone , I 'm married ! " I have come to know about a marvellous equation and I want to share it with you all . The equation , I 'm talking about is as follows - E + R = O Where , E stands for external experiences of our lives , R defines the responsiveness or the reaction of the person who is experiencing the situations , and O stands for the outcome . So , what 's the actual message of this equation ? I explain . The outcome of any situation or incident you face in your life that is totally dependent on your thinking pattern or your thought process or the responsiveness to that situation . So , from this very moment what incidents you will face , make it sure that always react positively and find opportunity in every situation . " It 's not what 's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become . Rather it 's your decisions about what to focus on , what things mean to you and what you are going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny . " P / S : This song currently one of my playlist and I don 't know why I like this song . It 's nothing to do with my life . Just sit back and enjoy the song . An old man lived alone in Minnesota . He wanted to spade his potato garden , but it was very hard work . His only son , who would have helped him , was in prison . The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation : Dear Son , I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won 't be able to plant my potato garden this year . I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time . I 'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot . If you were here , all my troubles would be over . I know you would dig the plot for me , if you weren 't in prison . Love , Dad of the most spectacular buildings in Paris . Take a tour of the outside and take in the renaissance era architecture . Take your partner to the top of the Cathedral for a spectacular view of the city and soak in the gothic romance as you embrace under the watchful gaze of the famous gargoyles . sure to go here after dark . The Arc de Triomphe is one of the most recognisable landmarks in Europe . Take a tour to the top and feel as though the city of lights is revolving around you as eight roads lead away from the wonderful centrepiece . course , the Pierre de la resistance ! The Eiffel tower is easily the most recognisable landmark France has to offer . Pay the night entrance fee and wrap up warm to see unbelievable views of the city of lights . Did you know that the top of the Eiffel towers is one of the world 's top The father was furious , ' If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense , then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed . Think about why you are being so selfish . I don 't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities . ' ' I 've been thinking , maybe I was too hard on you earlier ' said the man . ' It 's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you . Here 's the $ 25 you asked for . ' The little boy sat straight up , smiling . ' Oh , thank you daddy ! ' he yelled . Then , reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills . ' Daddy , I have $ 50 now . Can I buy an hour of your time ? Please come home early tomorrow . I would like to have dinner with you . ' P / S : It 's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life . We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us , those close to our hearts . Do remember to share that $ 50 worth of your time with someone you love . One day , a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school , found he had only one thin dime left , and he was hungry . He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house . However , he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door . Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk . He drank it slowly , and then asked , " How much do I owe you ? " " You don 't owe me anything , " she replied . " Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness . " He said , " Then I thank you from my heart . " As Howard Kelly left that house , he not only felt stronger physically , but his faith in God and man was strong also . He had been ready to give up and quit . Year 's later that young woman became critically ill . The local doctors were baffled . They finally sent her to the big city , where they called in specialists to study her rare disease . Dr . Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation . When he heard the name of the town she came from , a strange light filled his eyes . Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room . Dressed in his doctor 's gown he went in to see her . He recognized her at once . He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life . From that day he gave special attention to the case . After a long struggle , the battle was won . Dr . Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval . He looked at it , then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room . She feared to open it , for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all . Finally she looked , and something caught her attention on the side of the bill . She began to read the following words : " Paid in full with one glass of milk " Signed , Dr . Howard Kelly . P / S : Now that this a true friendship , love and kindness will always get u through life . Kindness . . Care . . Love . . Humanity . . Always Wins . Read more . . . Her hair up in a pony tail , her favorite dress tied with a bow . Today was Daddy 's Day at school , and she couldn 't wait to go . But her mommy tried to tell her , that she probably should stay home . Why the kids might not understand , if she went to school alone . But she was not afraid ; she knew just what to say . What to tell her classmates , on the Daddy 's Day . But still her mommy worried , For her to face this day alone . And that was why once again , she tried to keep her daughter home . But the little girl went to school , eager to tell them all . About a dad she never sees , a dad who never calls . There were daddies along the wall in back for everyone to meet . Children squirming impatiently , anxious in their seats . One by one the teacher called , a student from the class . To introduce their daddy as seconds slowly passed . At last the teacher called her name , every child turned to stare . Each of them were searching , a man who wasn 't there . " Where 's her daddy at ? " she heard a boy call out . " She probably doesn 't have one , " another student dared to shout . And from somewhere near the back , she heard a daddy say . " Looks like another deadbeat dad , too busy to waste his day . " The words did not offend her , as she smiled at her friends . And looked back at her teacher , who told her to begin . And with hands behind her back , slowly she began to speak . And out from the mouth of a child , came words incredibly unique . " My Daddy couldn 't be here , because he lives so far away . But I know he wishes he could , be with me on this day . " " And though you cannot meet him , I wanted you to know . All about my Daddy , And how much he loves me so . " " He loved to tell me stories , he taught me to ride my bike . He surprised me with pink roses and taught me to fly a kite . " " We used to share fudge sundaes , and ice cream in a cone . And though you cannot see him , I 'm not standing here alone . " " Cause my Daddy 's always with me , even though we are far apart . I know because he told me , he 'll forever be here in my heaA room full of Daddies and Children , all starting to close their eyes . Who knows what they saw before them , who knows what they felt inside . Perhaps for merely a second , they saw him at her side . " I know you 're with me Daddy , " to the silence she called out . And what happened next made believers , of those once filled with doubt . Not one in that room could explain it , for each of their eyes had been closed . But there placed on her desk , was a beautiful pink rose . And a child was blessed , if only for a moment , by the love of her shining bright star . And given the gift of believing that , Heaven is never too far . One day , a young guy and a young girl fell in love . But the guy came from a poor family . The girl 's parents weren 't too happy . So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well . In time , the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter 's hand . But there was another problem : The man was a soldier . Soon , war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year . The week before he left , the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love , " Will you marry me ? " She wiped a tear , said yes , and they were engaged . They agreed that when he got back in one year , they would get married . But tragedy struck . A few days after he left , the girl had a major vehicular accident . It was a head - on collision . When she woke up in the hospital , she saw her father and mother crying . Immediately , she knew there was something wrong . She later found out that she suffered brain injury . The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged . Her once lovely face was now disfigured . She cried as she saw herself in the mirror . " Yesterday , I was beautiful . Today , I 'm a monster . " Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds . Right there and then , she decided to release her fiancé from their promise . She knew he wouldn 't want her anymore . She would forget about him and never see him again . For one year , the soldier wrote many letters - but she wouldn 't answer . He phoned her many times but she wouldn 't return her calls . But after one year , the mother walked into her room and announced , " He 's back from the war . " The girl shouted , " No ! Please don 't tell him about me . Don 't tell him I 'm here ! " The mother said , " He 's getting married , " and handed her a wedding invitation . The girl 's heart sank . She knew she still loved him - but she had to forget him now . With great sadness , she opened the wedding invitation . And then she saw her name on it ! Confused , she asked , " What is this ? " That was when the young man entered her room with a bP / S : He did not fall in love with the face but fell in love with that person and her inner beauty . It 's the way the world should be . Feel for everyone and be there for your loved ones when they need you the most . Read more . . . A wise man once sat in the audience and cracked a joke . All laughed like crazy . After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time . He cracked the same joke again and again , when there was no laughter in the crowd , he smiled and said , P / S : It 's not really just for me but anyone out there . Learn to move on when something doesn 't suit you well . Don 't waste your time to something that really not yours anymore . Hey . Do you know how to fish ? I do . But I 'm still learning . I 'm noob . This activity was really . . . really killing me and also test my patience . But fishing was not the only thing we do . We did setup a place for our dinner . Doesn 't ring any bell ? That is Barbeque time . Simple but enjoy . That 's the thing that we really want . Stop with talking or writing . Take a look at the picture that I already capture using my cam . From afternoon to mid - night . Start with fishing and nicely closed by fishing also but in different place or spot . This was a good experience for me . Next time , take me fishing again . Just for fun . |
I blew my load and immediately felt like crap . I closed the browser and just sat there in the dark . My orgasm gave me a few seconds of pleasure , but the moment was fleeting and ultimately unsatisfying . How had I been reduced to this ? I love my wife . Irene and I have been married for almost twelve years , we have two beautiful children , and we hardly ever fight or even get into arguments . She 's a great mom and a loving partner . I do all I can as her husband to make her happy , and I think I 've managed to do that … for the most part . My wife tells me that she loves me , and I truly believe her . I must admit that I 'm not an especially handsome man . I try to eat healthy and exercise once in a while , but I honestly don 't have the best body either . I do have a good job and provide for her and the family , though we 're by no means rich . Despite these shortcomings , she stays with me and generally seems content . But , there is one small area that never ceases to worry me : the bedroom . Irene 's sex drive was never very high , not even when we were dating . I thought maybe she would loosen up more after we got married . Things did pick up slightly during our " Honeymoon Phase , " but that time turned out to be fairly short by my reckoning . It 's not that the sex is bad , necessarily . I enjoy our special private time together as much now as when we first met . It 's just that those times are becoming less and less frequent as the years pile up . She almost always has an orgasm when we do it - I do my best to make sure of that . I use my mouth on her a lot , and I 've gotten very good at knowing just what to do to make her feel good . I guess she could be faking it , and I do wonder about that , but if she is she 's very convincing . The other area of concern for me is my penis . Frankly , it 's not very big . Not big at all , actually . Irene has always insisted that my size isn 't an issue for her . What I 've got is plenty enough for her , she often tells me . I want to believe this , but it 's not easy . I like to think of myself as having a solid five inches of hard cock , but the truth is that it 's closer to four and a half . Even though it 's not as long or as thick as I 'd like , I 'm still pretty happy with it . It 's a good looking cock , if I do say so myself , and it has the added benefit that Irene can easily get the whole thing in her mouth when my birthday rolls around . I looked down at my cock and felt like shit . I had it gripped in my hand , the tip of the head barely peeking out of my fist . My cum had welled up and some spilled down my knuckles . Porn has increasingly been my only outlet - my shameful mistress . Irene will sometimes let me jerk off to her tits or ass , but she hasn 't even been in the mood for that lately . I was a bad husband . I wasn 't satisfying my wife , which meant she didn 't feel the desire to satisfy me . I needed to do something . The next day I was a little late getting home from work after making a stop at a specialty store . I was excited and nervous . I couldn 't wait for Irene to put the kids to bed . I waited a half an hour to make sure no one was getting up for a drink of water or hearing monsters under the bed . I went and got the item I 'd picked up on the way home . I took the item out from behind my back and presented it to her . A big , rubber , flesh - colored , nine - inch dong complete with balls . She looked confused at first , then busted out laughing . I suddenly felt pretty stupid standing there holding a giant dick in my hands . I thought that maybe if I took the initiative that she would meet me halfway . " I don 't know . I was thinking that maybe this would be something you might want . You know … something you can 't get with me … " I sounded more pathetic than I wanted to . She sighed and set her book down . " Honestly , Oscar , do we have to go over this again ? I 'm perfectly happy with you . I love you because of you , not because of what you have in your pants . " " Sure , I know that , but I thought this could be fun for you . " My mouth had gone dry for some reason . " It 's … it 's just that you don 't seem really all that interested in sex lately , so … " " So you thought since I wasn 't interested in sex with you that I would be with this thing ? " She gave me a look that was half pitying and half apologetic . She took off her glasses and this time set them on the nightstand with her book . " Get rid of that ridiculous monstrosity , take off your clothes , and come get in bed with me , you silly little man . " I tossed the dildo in my dresser drawer , and stripped as she turned off the light . I know she was only doing this because she felt sorry for me , but I wasn 't about to pass up a chance to get into her pussy . My dick was hard even before I was done undressing . I quickly climbed under the covers , got on top of her , and started kissing her breasts . Even when she wasn 't all that horny , it was pretty easy to get her wet . I gave it the minimum amount of time I thought I could get away with , and took aim in the dark with my cock . Her hand reached down to guide me … I thought . Damn . I was hoping to get one by her . I fumbled into the top drawer of her nightstand and felt around until I found my quarry . After a little more fumbling in the dark , I got the condom on . I 'd lost this argument years ago , so there was no point trying to make a case now . I got the rubber on , got back into position , and slipped inside my wife . So sweet . I came in about a minute , but was still plenty hard enough to keep going . After another minute she let out a moan . " Mmm , I needed that . Thank you , darling . " " God , you are so sexy . I want to get you off again . " I continued pumping into her . After a few moments , she patted me on the shoulder . " It 's okay , honey , I 'm good . You already took care of me , and I don 't want the condom to slip off and make a mess . " " You sure ? " " It was very nice , but you 've worn me out . You must be tired , too . " I would have been happy to go all night if she only wanted to , but I got the hint . We were done . I went to the bathroom , pulled off the rubber and wrapped it in toilet paper before putting it in the wastebasket , as per her standing instructions . She said the sight of my semen gave her the heebie - jeebies , and seeing it in a used condom make her nauseous . By the time I finished cleaning up and got back into bed , she was asleep . Well , at least I broke our dry spell , so that was something . A couple days after my abortive attempt to find a way to rev up my wife 's sex drive , I was on my way to work and realized I 'd forgotten my cell phone . I turned around and returned home . I popped in and found it on the kitchen table . I was about to head back out when I heard a sound that set the hairs at the back of my neck on end . I quietly moved into the living room and listened . I heard it again and this time there was no doubt it was Irene moaning . She was having an affair ! Damn , I hadn 't been gone more than twenty minutes and she already had some other guy in the sack . I was angry , and scared , and sick to my stomach , but I had to confront her . There was more moaning as I silently climbed the stairs . Halfway up I was disturbed to notice that I was getting hard . How could I be getting an erection at the prospect of my wife fucking another man in our bed ? It was beyond insane . I chalked it up to adrenaline and kept going . I paused in the hallway . She hadn 't even bothered to close the door . No wonder I could hear her from downstairs . The sounds of sex were unmistakable . " Oh , yes , " my wife moaned . " Fuck me ! Fuck me with that huge cock ! No one has ever filled my pussy like this before … uhhhh … " Shit , I knew it . No wonder she didn 't want to have sex with me lately . Who knows how long she 'd been getting laid by this asshole . " God , you 're so big . I can barely feel it when my husband fucks me . Ahh ! You 're what I need ! Give it to me ! Give me that big fucking cock ! Uhhhh ! " Holy fuck , I 'd never heard her talk like that , or make those sounds . I felt crushed by the things she was saying , and yet I was harder than ever . I was only torturing myself , but I had to at least see who the guy fucking my wife in my own bed was . I leaned around the corner , ready to run away if he spotted me . I was stunned by what I saw . She was gripping the rubber dong I had bought with both hands and ramming it into her pussy . I blinked , then blinked again , but there it was right in front of me . The woman who was contemptuous of sex toys , the woman who had assured me a thousand times that my cock was enough for her , the woman who barely made a sound when I made love to her was completely losing her mind over a big bleeping hunk of rubber . She bounced and twisted and apparently had one hell of an orgasm while I secretly watched . It was unlike anything I 'd ever seen . Her legs dropped and she was laughing with gratified joy . I backed away before she looked up and caught me spying on her . I crept downstairs , my head spinning with the meaning of it all . As I was wondering if I should pretend I just came in and see what she did , I heard her start up again . She never fucked me twice . I was heartbroken , but at the same time turned on like never before . I pulled my cock out right there at the bottom of the stairs and listened . I started beating off like crazy to the sounds of my loving , but otherwise frigid , wife fucking herself with an intensity I didn 't think she was capable of . I blew my load all over the carpet steps right when she started having her second orgasm , which might have been even louder than the first . The whole time she kept begging her fantasy man to fuck her harder with his huge cock . I wiped myself off with a paper towel in the kitchen and slipped out . I don 't even remember the drive to work . The whole morning went by without me even noticing . I couldn 't taste my lunch , and the afternoon was as much of a blur as the morning . My mind was obsessed with what I had witnessed . The things I saw and heard didn 't make sense . That wasn 't the woman I had come to know after all these years . How could that be my wife ? How could that be my Irene ? What was going on ? Yes , I bought the toy because I wanted her to be more sexually fulfilled , but I wanted to be included . Maybe she was just trying it out for the first time , I reasoned . Maybe she 'll tell me about how she used the dildo after she puts the kids to bed tonight . This could still all work out . Perhaps my plan will pay off after all . I got home and Irene was in a very cheerful mood . She kissed me on the cheek when I came in and asked about my day . This wasn 't unprecedented , but it had become increasingly unusual . Most days she was exhausted after errands , housework , and dealing with the kids . Come to think of it , she 'd been like this the past couple days . Ever since the day after I bought the big dong . It clicked that this morning wasn 't the first time she 'd tried it on for size . Later that night , I waited patiently for her to mention something , but she didn 't say a word . While she was in the bathroom taking off her makeup , I checked my drawer . The dildo was there just as I 'd left it . I hinted around about her good mood , and she said it was probably the new B12 vitamins she was taking . I ran my hand up her leg as I kissed her goodnight . I was expecting the usual excuse or silent brush off , but to my surprise she responded to my advance . Irene opened her legs as my hand reached her hip in an obvious invitation . I rubbed her pussy through her panties , then worked the crotch aside and fingered her soft flesh . She had been wet before I started and only got wetter at my touch . Hot damn ! I couldn 't remember her ever asking for that . Of course , we 'd done it plenty of times before - I always went down on her whenever I could - but she 'd never come right out and asked for it . I went right to work before she could change her mind . I went wild on her and she was loving it . I could tell because her body was actually moving . Normally she lies pretty still until right at the end , then it 's only a little turn of her hips when she cums . But this time it was like she was fucking my face . I loved it ! She didn 't sound as excited as she had that morning , but there were a few extra moans in there than I 'm used to hearing , and I had no doubt they were genuine . I made my wife cum , grabbed a condom , and fucked her without waiting for permission . She didn 't resist at all . It didn 't take long for me to shoot my wad into the rubber . After another minute it became clear that I wasn 't going to make her cum with my dick . How could I after she 'd been reaming her pussy with that monster cock all day ? But , at least we 'd both gotten off . She was awake when I came back from the bathroom . We cuddled for a bit before she turned and drifted off . I wasn 't able to fall asleep . The idea that this sexual dynamo of a woman was lying right next to me , and the full potential of her erotic energy was beyond my grasp was so damn frustrating . Don 't get me wrong , what had just happened was great , fantastic even , but it wasn 't close to being in the same ballpark as what I 'd seen earlier with the dildo . I wanted to be mad at her , maybe even resentful , but I couldn 't find it in me . It was exciting to know what she was capable of . I 'd glimpsed a kind of carnal passion that I never suspected she possessed . She 'd always claimed to enjoy sex , but she never gave any evidence that she craved it . At least not with me . Hmm , maybe that was the key . I had an idea . It might have been the worst idea I 'd ever had , or the best . I had no way to judge it objectively . I convinced myself it would be a horribly stupid thing to do , but I also had to acknowledge that it might be just what was needed . I wanted Irene to be satisfied . I loved her and wanted her to be happy . I didn 't think she was necessarily unhappy , but there was definitely room for improvement . I agonized over it for days , then finally gave in . I had to let her know about the loathsome fantasy I 'd been harboring for most of our marriage and let the chips fall where they may . " Yeah , I guess maybe it is . " My stomach started knotting up and I was about to bail . She smiled expectantly and I went ahead . " I wanted to run something by you and see what you thought . Please don 't make a snap judgement . Just hear me out and consider what I 'm saying . " She capped her lotion , put it away , then turned and gave me her full attention . Her smile faded and was replaced by a furrowed brow . " I 'm listening . " " I love you so much , and you know I 'd do anything to make you happy . " I swallowed hard and tried to focus . " You say everything is fine , and I believe you to a certain extent , but it 's not as good as it could be … for you . " " Oscar , is this about our sex life again ? What is going on with you lately ? " She tried to suppress her exasperation with me . " Didn 't we have a nice time just the other night ? " " You keep saying everything is fine , but you deserve more than ' fine . ' You deserve amazing , fantastic , wild , out of this world . " She gave a small laugh at my exuberance . " I 'm not looking for out of this world . I 'm okay with my world right where it is . " " Right , but hear me out . " I took a deep breath , making myself a little lightheaded , and put my cards on the table . " For a long time now I 've had this fantasy . I want to tell you about it , but I need you to understand where I 'm coming from " This time she laughed right out loud . I think she was more surprised that anything , but it still stung a little . " You know I 'd never cheat on you , Oscar , don 't be silly . " " No , it 's not like that . You 're not cheating , I know that you 're with another guy and I 'm okay with it . In the fantasy , you 're having sex with a man who can satisfy you sexually the way that I can 't . " " It 's not just about you , but more about you having really good sex . I imagine you being with a guy that can excite you into going crazy and having screaming orgasms . Someone with a big penis who can fill you up the way that I can 't . " " No . No ! Not at all . I love you and I love being married to you , but I know I 'm not enough . You need more . " " It 's okay , I get it . I 'm not upset , it 's just what it is . We have a great life together , and you 're a perfect wife and a wonderful mother , but you 're missing out on something and it 's not fair to you . " " Yes , in a way it would . Look , it 's not about a relationship , it 's just about sex . You wouldn 't have to give up anything that we have . All it would be is adding what 's missing . " " Well , it 's not . It most certainly is not . I can tell you that right now . After all these years I would have thought you 'd know me better than that . Sex is nothing without love . I don 't want to have sex with a man just because he has a penis . Hell , every stupid guy on the planet has a dick , for God 's sake . I have sex with you because I love you , and that 's all there is to it . " " It would be a way for us to both get something we want . That 's all . I think our marriage is strong enough that we can do this and make it even stronger . We have everything else , and we can have this , too . You can get the kind of pleasure you want , and I 'd be happy for you to get it . " " Believe me , if I could give you what you want - what I know you really need - then I would never have suggested this . But I know what I am , and I know what I 'm not . I 'm not the guy you 're madly desperate to have sex with . " I knew that tone , and it meant the conversation was over . I got my pajamas and skulked downstairs . I 'd laid my cards out , and I 'd lost . I had no idea how much damage I 'd done . It might be weeks , or months , before the full impact was realized . My best case scenario was that eventually she 'd forget about all this and things would go back to the way they were . I 'm sure I 'd lost a certain amount of her respect that I 'd never regain , but I 'd accepted that risk going into it . Nothing to do about it now except feel like a bag of shit for a while and try to move on . It was a tense week following our " talk . " I got the silent treatment for the first couple days , then graduated to terse statements of necessary communication . During this time I couldn 't help but check the dildo in my drawer . It had obviously been moved . She was no longer taking care to put it back exactly as it was . I wasn 't sure what that could mean . After five nights in the guest room , she let me back into our bed . It was uncomfortable , but it gave me hope that things were improving little by little . It was a few nights later , a good while after she had clicked off the lights and turned her back to me , when she finally said something . The knot was back in my stomach . It had been my idea , but the possibility that she might accept it was another thing entirely . " You do , " I said softly . " I do love you . I honestly don 't know why sometimes , but I do . And I am happy with the life we have together . But , you 're right … about the sex . Yes , it 's fine , but it could be better . A lot better . " " There 's someone I have in mind . If he agrees , which I 'm not sure he will , then I 'm going to fuck him . I 'll go out , meet him at a hotel , and fuck him . " She waited for a response . This was what I wanted . It 's what I asked for . There was no way for me to back out now . After putting her through what must have been a week of mental and emotional turmoil , it would be impossible to rescind the offer . And maybe I didn 't want to . She turned around to face me in the dark . " I 'm serious . You understand that , right ? I 'm going to cheat on you . With another man . Someone else 's cock in your wife 's pussy . Are you really going to be able to handle that ? " " It wouldn 't be cheating , " I offered meekly . I knew that wasn 't good enough . " I do understand . And I do think I can handle it . If it makes you happy in the end , then I can definitely handle it . " " People always say you shouldn 't keep secrets from your spouse . Those people have no idea what they 're talking about . Some secrets should stay that way . " With that , she lay back down . A long time passed and I could tell she wasn 't sleeping . I 'm sure she knew I wasn 't either . I considered sliding my hand up her thigh , but I was more than certain it would be met with a harsh rejection . Nothing to do now but wait and see if I had ruined my marriage . Irene had sent the kids to stay with her parents that night . I had spent the longest evening of my life alone in the house , checking my phone every two minutes to see if there was a message from her . There hadn 't been . It was almost 3 : 00 am by the time she came home . She had on the same black cocktail dress she 'd left in . Her legs were bare , her stockings most likely in the tote bag she carried . Her hair was mussed and there was a fading flush in her cheek . She 'd done it . My wife had really fucked another man . " Now would be fine … if you 're up to it . " There was that meekness again . Why couldn 't I just tell her that I was dying to hear everything that instant ? She went to the living room and sat in one of the overstuffed chairs . I took a seat in the center of the sofa facing toward her . " I met him at the hotel bar . We had a couple drinks . I had a chardonnay and then a sea breeze . I don 't know if those are the kinds of details you want . " She leaned over and began unstrapping her heels . " He 's a good looking man , a couple years older than me , tall . Taller than you , obviously . " " Yes . I 've known him for a while , but he only recently let me know he had an interest in me . Of course I hadn 't encouraged anything or led him on in anyway . But then you came along with your big idea . " She kicked off her other shoe , sat back and crossed her bare legs . " We went up to the room . King - sized bed . We kissed . He 's a good kisser . " She got a wistful look in her eye . " Very good . Our hands were all over each other . I wasn 't sure I could go through with it until that moment . When he grabbed my ass and pulled me against him , I knew I had to have it . " She bounced her foot , looking across at me . " I 'd never felt that with anyone before . " " You bought lingerie ? " The only time I 'd seen her wear a negligee was on our wedding night and that was it . I guess this evening was a sort of consummation for her as well . " I did . " She didn 't offer to show it to me . " When I came out he was in just a pair of tight boxer briefs . I 'd never known a man could look so sexy . We kissed some more , and ended up on the bed . " Her fingers toyed with the spaghetti strap of her dress . " I thought it would be awkward , but it really wasn 't . It was like we each intuitively understood just how the other would respond . He understood what I wanted and knew how to give it to me . " " On . " She knew that would get me . It was strictly lights off when we made love . " I wanted to see him . And I wanted him to see me . It was all very sensual . We were touching each other everywhere . God , I was so wet . I couldn 't wait for it any longer , so I pulled his shorts down so I could get at his cock . " Her tongue ran over the edges of her teeth as she stared my way with a glazed expression . I knew she was seeing him , not me . " And , what ? " Her eyes focused . " You want to know if he was big ? Did he have a bigger penis than you ? How could he not ? " She nodded , getting that faraway look again . " It was big . Pretty close to that silly sex toy you brought home the other week . Maybe a little thicker around . It was magnificent . " " So much more than good . " Irene shifted in her seat , crossing her legs the other way . I caught the briefest glimpse of thigh and it gave me a thrill . It was like she was a different woman , not the wife I 'd been with for so many years . " As soon as I could , I went down on him . I sucked his cock . " " No , but I didn 't care , " she said pointedly . " I opened wide and took as much of it as I could - which wasn 't much at all really . I 'm so used to fitting your whole prick in my mouth , I really didn 't know what to do with his . I sucked the head and could only get my lips around the top of his shaft , so I had to use my hand for the rest of it . My jaw is still sore , but I 'd do it again in a heartbeat . " I was really struggling . My dick was hard and bent uncomfortably in my pants . I didn 't dare adjust it . I didn 't want to do anything to put her off telling me what happened . " Luckily , he was just as eager to get at my pussy as I 'd been to get at his cock . He grabbed me , flipped me over , and buried his face in me from behind . He went at it right through my panties , then ripped them off and shoved his tongue in me . " She reached into her bag . " And I mean that literally . " She tossed a mess of red lace onto the coffee table in front of me . It landed on our daughter 's picture book about the baby elephant who was too big to play with the other animals . I lifted it up and saw that it had indeed been ripped at the gusset and waist . I 'd probably hurt myself if I tried something like that . She scoffed and shook her head with a patronizing smile . " He ate my pussy like an animal . Like he 'd been dying for it all his life . Sucked my clit , tongued fucked me , even licked my ass . It was incredible . I came so fast it made me mad . I wanted it to last … to go on and on . " The jealousy flared up . Irene never let me anywhere near her ass , aside from rubbing or squeezing her butt cheeks a little . Ten minutes in and this stud was already being given full access to my wife 's asshole . It was hard to hate a guy I didn 't even know and yet envied more than anyone on the planet . " That 's an understatement if I ever heard one . Yeah , I liked it . I loved it . " Her nipples were stiff by then and showing through her dress . Her fingers shifted down to brush across the silky black fabric over one of those telling points . " I suppose your prick is hard . " She waited while I pulled it out . She saw my dick and smiled the way you 'd smile when seeing an adorable little kitten . It was humiliating , but I was helpless to do anything about it . " Don 't be shy , Oscar . Go ahead and stroke it . There you go . " She watched with amusement as I held my shaft between my thumb and first two fingers and worked it up and down . " After he made me cum with his mouth , he turned me over and spread my legs . He was so strong . It was frightening to be under the control of a man with that kind of power , but exciting like I couldn 't have imagined . " I could picture this guy manhandling my woman . I could never do that for her , but I was glad she was able to feel what it was like . To finally know what it 's like to be with a real man for once . " He was on top of me , kissing my lips , his hand on my breast . " She grabbed her own tit as she describe it . I stroked a little faster . " Next thing I knew he was going inside me . It was only the tip at first , and only then did it hit me that it was really going to happen . I was about to get fucked by another man . A man who wasn 't my husband . A man who wasn 't you . " " He pushed into me nice and slow . I could feel every inch of him filling me up , stretching my pussy wide . It wasn 't anything like you . With you , it 's like putting in a finger or a tampon . I was finding out what it was like to have an honest to God cock inside me . It was better than I dreamed . " I forced myself to slow down . I was on the edge already , and only seconds away from the point of no return . I was already pathetic enough without prematurely ejaculating while jacking off in front of my wife . But she certainly wasn 't going to make holding off any easier . As Irene continued her story , she pulled her dress up to reveal her neatly trimmed pussy . She must have done that this afternoon , because it hadn 't looked like that when I saw her coming out of the shower yesterday . She spread her legs and began touching herself . I guess she no longer felt the need to keep up the pretense that married women didn 't need to masturbate . I was absolutely losing my mind . I 'd pleaded with her so many times to finger herself for me and she 'd always refused . Now she was going at it without so much as a word from me . Her sex drive was off the charts compared with where it had been the whole time I 'd known her . My big idea was already paying serious dividends . " He went all the way in . As far as he could go . And his whole cock wasn 't even inside me . Then he started to fuck me . Nice and slow . Letting me get used to it . Stretching my hole . It hurt , but in a good way . He was so fucking hard , Oscar , you don 't even know . " She had two fingers in her pussy and added a third . I wasn 't going to be able to last much longer . " You fucked his big cock ? " " I did . Oh God , did I ever . He pumped his cock into me and made me cum . I came so hard everyone on the eighth floor of the hotel probably heard me . But he didn 't cum . Not yet . He 's nothing like you , honey . He doesn 't lose it and shoot his load in the first minute . " With her free hand , she grasped the neckline of her dress and tugged it down , exposing her heavy C - cup breasts . They had developed into D 's while she was pregnant with each of the kids , and only lost a little of their heft afterward . Her dark nipples were thick , protruding like tiny pillars of desire from the tips of her breasts . She tugged at them enthusiastically now that they were exposed . Yet another thing I 'd never been privileged to see before . " He rolled over and pulled me on top . His cock never left my pussy . I rode him like that , taking as much of him as I could . We were in perfect rhythm . He knew exactly how to move with me . His hands held my waist as I fucked him . I came twice more like that . I couldn 't believe it . " We were going at ourselves pretty good . Irene was slumped low in the chair , I was at the edge of the sofa leaning toward her , wanting to vault across the coffee table and kneel at her pussy like an unworthy penitent . My wife had never been more sexy than she was at that moment . " I told him he could cum in my pussy . I didn 't even care , I wanted it so bad . But he said he wanted to cum in my mouth . I got off him right away and started sucking him again . " " Yes ! I could taste my pussy all over his cock . I loved it so much . God , I 'm such a fucking slut . " She was getting close . " I sucked him and I jerked him and I licked his balls and he came . He came on my face and in my mouth . Look here , there 's still some in my hair . Oscar , he came so much ! At least three times more than anything you ever have . I couldn 't get enough of it . I sucked him clean , then licked it up from everywhere else . I swallowed it all , Oscar . I ate his fucking cum ! " At that point she screamed and started cumming herself . I had no choice and started shooting my wad . Thin jets of jism squirted into the air , arcing over the coffee table and landing on the carpet near my wife 's bare feet . The next few squirts landed on her ruined panties and my daughter 's picture book . I kept stroking after the last of it was spent . My wife was still going and gave herself a second orgasm within moments of the first . Yet another first in my experience . With me she was barely orgasmic , but after one night with another guy she was multi - orgasmic . She lay motionless in the chair , eyes closed , chest heaving . I remained leaning forward , staring at the pussy that had so recently been wrapped around another man 's cock . A cock that was magnitudes larger than my own . I 'd never seen my wife look so damned satisfied . There were conflicting feelings , no getting around that , but just then I was more than happy . No matter what happened after this , I knew I 'd indirectly been able to give my wife something she needed . Something that had finally made her feel like a complete woman . This hadn 't been sex that she had to simply tolerate , or make excuses for . She 'd had the kind of raw sex she 'd secretly fantasized about but would never admit to . Irene knew there was no way I could make those fantasies real for her , so she chose not to burden me with them . She protected me from feeling inadequate , but little did she know that was strangely a part of the turn on for me . Irene stirred and considered me through half - lidded eyes . " Fuck , that felt good . " With a great effort she sat up . " Oscar , are you okay ? " I actually thought about it before I answered . " I am . I really am . More than okay , in fact . " " We have more to talk about , but if I don 't get into bed in the next thirty seconds I 'm going to pass out right here . " She stood and shuffled toward the stairs on unsteady legs . I tucked myself away and began cleaning my mess up . Irene paused on the first step and looked back at me . DJ says : August 7 , 2016 at 8 : 42 am Rachael , The ending just ' blew me away ' . The story is great and a very good read , with a surprise ending . I can 't imaging anyone of your devoted readers not liking it . I 'll try to get to chapter 2 later today ……… . after church ! R D says : August 6 , 2016 at 7 : 48 am Great story ! Irene is going to have new adventures . Looking forward to more erotic chapters . What an amazing story . I can understand why people wouldn 't like something like this , but I 'm a happily married guy with a family and I share Oscar 's feelings . I think it would be so amazing to watch my wife with another man , so it goes without saying that I came very hard reading this . Great story ! hludens says : August 2 , 2016 at 7 : 55 pm ok , nice twist at the end . gotta say I 'm impressed at the quality of your erotic writing . Far far better than the usual stuff I see written by ungrammatical illiterates . I suspect that you 're a professional writer in real life - or a well - schooled professional who writes as a hobby . Tony says : August 2 , 2016 at 4 : 17 pm Omg . What a hot story . Can 't wait for more . Being a bi male I hope they guys get together then next time . I think you are on to something here . Oscar is so devoted to his wife that he will go to any length to please her , even debasing himself , as long as she gets what she secretly wants . And the twist at the end … . . simple genius ! Can 't wait for part 2 . Michael says : August 2 , 2016 at 6 : 31 am Fantastic ! You have so much talent as an erotic writer , I imagine your husband gets an erection just reading your shopping list . Once again you have shared your art with all of us , and allowed your readers to experience your " dirty little mind " . You are truly a gift , thank you for sharing yourself with all of us . Tyler says : August 1 , 2016 at 8 : 01 pm Great start to a story ! ! ! Can 't wait for the other two . Ps my wife and me have something like this set up . I Made My Pussy Cum to This … One of the great things about this video is the remarkable cockhead on this Asian guy . It looks like it belongs on a dick at least three times bigger than his . I bet it would feel really good pumping around inside ! But the thing that got me off here is when she has her butt in the air and he 's examining her . Something about the idea of being " investigated " in such an intimate way really turns me on . It 's one of the things I often fantasize about when I 'm imagining a mother / son sex scene - a mom letting her boy explore her pussy for the first time . . . mmm . . . |
I stayed up reading last night until about 1 am , then fell asleep . Then I was up at 5 : 45 am and that was it , I was up for the day . I tried to fall back asleep , but couldn 't . I finally got out of bed at 7 : 30 and fed the dogs , then took them out . Then I went back to bed but was too restless to even doze . I had to be out of the house by 9 : 30 for my massage , so I just gave up and got dressed at 8 : 30 . I thought the massage would be good and relaxing - since I did ask for a relaxing massage and not trigger point - but I kind of felt icky and my head felt real stuffy and swollen when I was on my stomach . And my face felt swollen in the face rest thingy . Afterward I was so tired that I had trouble driving home . Then I had to feed the dogs their mid - day meal and take them out . I had hoped to rest after that , but it didn 't work out . I tried reading and watching TV , but the dogs kept wanting to go out so I kept having to get up . On and off I IM 'd with Hub as he was running errands and getting things ready for the wedding . He 's getting kind of irritated with his father at this point . They don 't really get along too well on a regular basis , and their politics are polar opposite . So Hub is feeling edgy and unhappy . He still has to get through tomorrow without going crazy , then tomorrow night late he gets on the plane to come home overnight . Okay , so I did the dinner thing and fed the dogs and retrieved a wedding invitation from my mailbox from my cousin . I went to check in on my father to see if he got his invitation , then to remind him he needed to try on his suit , in case he needed to buy a new one . Then I came home , I took the dogs out , did their after dinner snacky , took them out again , then sat down to read and play some games on my iPad . I was able to stretch out the evening so I only had to take the dogs out again at 10pm before bedtime . So at 10pm I take them downstairs and outside . One goes one way , the other goes the other way , so I stand just off the deck on our small paver patio to wait for them . Then I see Le Moo sniffing at something on the patio about 3 feet away from me … and I step closer to take another look . It 's cicada time here , so I was thinking it was a live cicada and she was going to try to eat it - experience speaking here - and I was prepared to admonish her . And then I realized it wasn 't a cicada . On my patio , right off my deck , right outside my back door . Last Friday I beat a smaller snake to death out in the yard after I nearly walked on it while picking up dog poop . Fortunately , I spotted it while still about six inches away and I hotfooted it back to the house and grabbed the hard metal rake that had been sitting on the deck . I found the snake in the yard again - out toward the back closer to the fence and the " woods " back there - and I beat that fucker to death . It took me like five minutes because the damn thing wouldn 't die … I think because there are ruts in the grass out there so I wasn 't getting good contact with it . When I was sure it was dead I used the rake to pick it up and I threw it out over the fence into the brush . I hurt my arms , my back , and the back of my legs trying to kill it . Okay , so back to tonight . The damn snake is on the patio , brazen as you please , bigger than the one from Friday - at least 2 feet long - head up , glaring at Le Moo . Le Moo starts backing away and I order her to go up onto the deck . But Butthead is out on the other side of the snake in the yard , peeing , and she finishes and comes running back and she always runs on the patio . And of course she has to run right past the snake , which she does , but then she does a double - take and goes back … and I 'm screaming at her to get away from the damn snake and she 's sniffing right at it because she 's STOOPID . So I finally order her away and both dogs into the house , and I rush into the garage to get a shovel … but by the time I get back outside the fucker is GONE . So now it 's either in the bushes right up against the house and next to the patio , or it 's in the grass somewhere . So now I gotta go back out there tomorrow , wondering where it is . Is it lurking in the bushes ? In the grass ? Is it gonna jump out and BITE ME or the dogs ? I don 't like killing things . Friday was the first time I 'd ever killed a snake … or probably anything other than ants and spiders . Before that , Hub had killed two of them since we 've lived in this house . We 've never had snake problems before we moved here . I 'm not happy about killing anything . But … I have nightmares about snakes attacking me and biting me and all kindsa shit . I 'm NOT good with snakes in my yard . Yes , I know they keep rodents away . Yes , I understand that the snakes in my yard are not likely to be venomous . Yes , I even understand they are not likely to actually bite unless threatened … but guys , it 's a goddamn snake and I am afraid of snakes . I 'd rather let the owls and the hawks take care of the rodents and let the snakes go somewhere else . ANYWHERE ELSE . AWAY FROM HERE . I ordered snake repellent from Amazon , to be delivered sometime tomorrow . It 's not likely to help , I 'm aware , but I 'm desperate to try anything to keep these things away from the house . I mean hey , live your life out there in the woods Snakey - snakey … just not here in my yard or on my patio or in the goddamn bushes next to my house . So yeah , day 3 is done . I am managing but I 'm damn tired . And I 'm not looking forward to the snake nightmares tonight , or the anxiety of watching out for snakes tomorrow in real life . Ugh , Last night could have been worse , I guess . I stayed up later than usual - about 1am - but by then I was so tired from being up at 3am and on the going mostly since then that I was able to doze off for a couple of hours at 1 . Then I slept fitfully after that , waking up just before my alarm time to feed the dogs . I hit snooze and laid in bed a bit longer … until Butthead woke up and went over to Hub 's side of the bed and began poking at the comforter . I had to try to explain to her that he wasn 't there ( did she think he snuck in overnight sometime and she didn 't notice ? ? ) , but she didn 't seem convinced . It took me a few minutes to get her to follow me downstairs so I could feed her and Le Moo breakfast . After their breakfast and a trip outside , I went back upstairs to bed and dozed for another hour or so . Today I pretty much distracted myself by chopping and sauteeing a ton of mushrooms to add to my soup when I nuke it for lunch . Then I ate lunch and read a book . I found a Gidget marathon on television , which I pretty much left on all day and only turned off about ten minutes ago and only because it ENDED . At some point after lunch I tried to make my ( in ) famous peanut butter cookies for the brother who installed my floodlight cam , but I used low fat peanut butter ( at his request ) instead of regular peanut butter and the cookies came out flat . I have no idea what the issue was , but my brother said they still tasted good , they were just flat instead of puffy . When I took the bags of cookies over to my father 's house for my brother , I stayed for a while to talk about some stuff with Dad . Then we took pictures of some junk he wanted to try to sell on Craigslist ( I hate CL ) and I came home and listed them . Then I sent some curse - filled email responses to some spammers who responded almost immediately to one of the listings . So that was fun . Then I read another book and half - watched / half - listened to more episodes of Gidget until it was time for dinner . Fed the dogs , outed the dogs , cleaned up after the dogs ' outing , then made myself some dinner . Half leftovers , half food I cooked myself . While I was eating , my brother sent me a text with a picture of a teeny tiny baby deer that was curled up next to his house . He spotted it while he was mowing and was concerned it was injured . By the time Dad and Brother went inside to find a phone number for animal control and then returned outside , the little booger had disappeared . I suspect it was hiding there in the " tall " grass waiting until the riding mower stopped and the stupid people disappeared . We have a pretty big herd of deer living in our back property , so I assume this little baby got separated and was waiting for mama to return for it . At this point , I 'm tucked in upstairs after taking the dogs out a couple of more times during the evening . The hall lights are on , the bedroom door is locked , the dogs have finally settled in . I 'm pretty sure both dogs are confused as to where Hub is , but no matter how much I explain they just give me the same look . Right now I 'm tired and in some pain from all the extra activity , but I 'm managing . I 've heard from Hub a couple of times today . He didn 't sleep well last night - he never does away from home - and his schedule today with his father seemed … odd . They " ran errands " and did a little bit of touristy site - seeing of some beaches . His father was SO hyped to have Hub out there to visit , but they don 't seem to be doing much . And Hub is counting the days to getting back home more than I am . Tomorrow evening is the wedding , so they won 't be doing much else other than that . I 've got another book here with me and I 've got the nightly news on TV . I might rent or catch a movie on TV after the news until I 'm too tired to stay awake anymore . Last night I caught the tail end / hour of YaYa Sisiterhood because I couldn 't find anything else . Tonight … well who knows ? Tomorrow I go to see my massage therapist in the morning , but I 'm getting a RELAXING massage instead of trigger point . Something to look forward to . I 'm feeling so shitty , I can 't even . Period . I spend much of my days fighting the nausea and the fatigue … I 'm exhausted before I get going . And now … and now , my imbalance is back in a big way . I 'm struggling to walk without falling over , and I 'm back to touching walls and handrails and tables and whatever in order to keep myself stable . This is a huge slide backward for me , as I haven 't had this kind of imbalance in quite some time . I went back to the doctor AGAIN because I 'm still exhausted and I 'm still nauseated . She told me I was acting better this time versus the last visit , but she 's still thinking I have a virus that I need to just " wait out " . She sent me for more blood work ( ANA , rheumatoid arthritis , lyme , iron , b12 ) , but everything came back normal . My b12 is a tad on the low side for my history but still in the normal range . I 've ordered my b12 sublingual pills and will start them ASAP . Maybe it 's that , maybe it 's stress and grief , maybe it 's something else . I have no idea and apparently neither does my doctor . She said to drink more water and walk outside for 20 - 30 minutes a day . She says dehydration can cause nausea - and maybe it can - but my drinking habits haven 't altered much . Except now I feel like shit and so I don 't want to do anything , including drink . If I go walk outside my allergies will get worse and I 'll have more breathing trouble and more snot and more post - nasal drip and more nausea . The doctor didn 't care for that and told me to do it anyway , that being outside and walking will make me feel better and get rid of my fatigue . I 'm not eating much because I 'm so nauseated all the time . I rush through eating what I can before I feel like I can 't put anything else in my mouth at both lunch and dinner , then I leave my dishes in the sink and go back to the couch . I spend most of my days on the couch , barely even bothering to look at my computer . I try to stay upright , but I 'm so exhausted all the time that I end up stretched out and wishing that the day was just over . I don 't know why I wish for that because at this point tomorrow will be much of the same . I feel like I 'm sliding into this despair of thinking that I 'll never feel better . That it will always be like this . I am trying to push past the exhaustion and do stuff - I did three loads of laundry on Sunday - in the hopes that if I ignore what 's going on it will go away . But by the time I do anything , I feel this crushing fatigue again and I end up on the couch . Or in bed . Sleeping is a negatory . I try to sleep but it doesn 't work , and when I wake up in the morning I can hardly haul myself out of bed . I don 't feel rested or refreshed or like I even closed my eyes . I want to cry but I 'm too fucking tired to cry . I was supposed to go see my massage therapist on the 14th but our local snow canceled that appointment . I was also scheduled to go tomorrow morning , but I literally got an email at 9 : 30pm saying she 's sick and has to cancel . And for sure I 'm grateful because I do NOT want to get sick and it sounds like she has the flu , but I 'm so disappointed . For one thing , I was hoping some trigger point release would help with my imbalance and nausea ( hoping , though not confident ) … for another thing , getting onto her schedule is a bitch and even though I rushed I struggled to get back onto her calendar . It 'll be two weeks before I can get back in to see her , which might not be horrible because if she DOES have the flu I wouldn 't want to be back in her " hands " too soon . But it 's hard to miss appointment after appointment when I 'm feeling so poorly . Hub tried to send me a link to a list of massage therapists in the area , but none of them do trigger point AND it 's hard to just find a new massage therapist . It 's like a mental therapist … you have a relationship built up . It 's not so easy to walk into someone 's space and get naked and let them rub you for an hour . I see T on Friday , which is the day after the one year anniversary of my mother 's passing . Just happens to be how it worked out . Considering how things are going at the moment , it 's going to be a long , sobby appointment . I can 't stand this constant nausea . Every time I swallow I feel sick . Every time I move I 'm wobbly and off balance and that makes the nausea worse . If I didn 't have the dogs , I 'd be in bed all day . I gave thought to going back to bed after lunch today because Butthead had peed and pooped after HER lunch so I knew she 'd be okay for a while , but I didn 't want to give in . I 've been in that place where I didn 't get out of bed for weeks ( with my prilosec fever ) and that 's a bad road to head down . It only makes me weaker and makes me feel worse . Hub 's birthday dinner with his family is this coming weekend . I don 't know how I 'm going to go … by 3pm , I 'm so exhausted I can barely sit at our kitchen table for dinner , how am I going to get out and go to a restaurant and be " on " for his family ? For hours … We didn 't go out on his birthday because I couldn 't get up the energy . We didn 't go donate the dolls and bears I crocheted to the police station because I didn 't have the energy to leave the house . I don 't know what to do now . I don 't know what path to take . I don 't know how to do anything right now . I know that for real it has to do with my mental , emotional , and physical pain . All of those wrapped into one , split into pieces , kneaded into each other , and then rolled into a throbbing ball of oneness . I 'm so on edge that one small scrape and I 'm raw and bleeding profusely , figuratively . I cried on the way to the grocery store this morning . Not because I had to go to the grocery store , not because I was worried about being able to afford the trip to the grocery store , not because I was afraid I was going to have an anxiety attack in the grocery store … I cried because I couldn 't not cry . I 'm tired , I 'm not sleeping , I 'm worried about Hub and I 'm worried about Butthead . I 'm worried about myself , too . My grief is overwhelming every part of my life and I can 't seem to dig my way out of it . Hub is agonizing over a job offer - in part because it might mean less flexibility and he worries that he won 't be able to come home if I need him - that he received on Friday . I 'm worried for him because I don 't feel that the company was being up front with him … they kind of bait and switched the job position ( which they apparently did to the guy before him , someone Hub knows ) . I am concerned he won 't have any backup on his work , and I 'm worried because if this is how they treat potential employees , how do they treat current employees . But Hub is unhappy in his current job and looking for a way out . Our health insurance changed due to the buy - out , so he 's both unhappy with the new corporate owners and unhappy with their shitty health insurance . Unfortunately , the potentially new company has equally shitty health insurance … so that kind of cancels out the pro / con in that category . Now they 're not budging on a concession he asked about ( a minor concession on their part ! ) , so that might be the end of that . I only hope that his current corporate overlords don 't decide that he 's no longer needed before he finds something else . Butthead is randomly puking again . I mean , it 's good news that she 's not persistently puking like the last episode where we ended up rushing her to the vet hospital and coming home with anti - vomit pills … But this randomly throwing up ( twice in the last four days … one of which was this morning which was another reason why I was so upset ) is so frustrating . We don 't know if she 's sneaking and eating bad things outside or has gastritis and so her stomach hurts her or what … We 're at the point where we 're acclimating her to a basket muzzle that she 'll have to wear anytime she 's outside so she doesn 't eat crap off the ground and make herself sick . It 's hard and sad to make her wear a muzzle because she 's a good dog , not aggressive , shouldn 't have to wear it . I know it 's uncomfortable and bulky and just plain weird for her , but we don 't know what else to do with her . We can 't figure out what is wrong with her . And if it 's that she 's eating stuff outside that 's making her sick , there 's nothing else we can do other than the muzzle . For the past month or so we 've been out there with her every minute , following her and standing over her and making sure she 's not eating things . But with the snow and ice , and my physical capabilities being limited at this point … I couldn 't keep up with her and I think she might have eaten something that made her vomit last Thursday when I wasn 't standing over her . We just don 't know what to do with her … So I 'm worried that she 's going to vomit again like the last episode . Ugh . So far it 's been these two random episodes and today I spent time on and off modifying the basket muzzle to try to use a quick - snap collar to hold it on her head versus the old - fashioned buckle which is a pain in the ass to get on and off of her , especially with her floppy ears and long hair . Even though I 've been feeling ultra shitty and exhausted , we had to do a bunch of things this weekend . Most of which we accomplished . Unfortunately , one of the things was cleaning up the caulk in our master shower which seemed to be growing mold behind the caulk at the joints of the floor and wall . Hub is not flexible , so he had trouble sitting on the floor and scraping at the caulk , so I did 90 % of it . Which , of course , hurt my arms , shoulders , and hands more than they were already hurting . The end result , though , is that we need to call in a professional to look at our shower because this is the second time in a year that we 've ended up with this problem . Last time my brother helped me strip and re - caulk the shower , but now we 're in the same place again … There 's something wrong if there 's mold and mildew growing behind the caulk , especially since we bought mold - resistant caulk . This all means that we don 't have a shower in our bathroom and we have to haul ass to the shower on the opposite end of the house … past all the windows in the front of the house and over the foyer area of the house . It also means we have to haul all our paraphernalia into the other shower , which is smaller than our master shower . It 's not a huge deal , it 's just more stress . And more stress in having to find someone who knows what they are doing to come into the house to fix whatever is happening . The stupid sub - contractor that our builder hired to do our bathrooms did not know what they were doing . They screwed several things up in our master bathroom and ruined a lot of our shower floor tiles by having to go back and chip out all the wrong grout they put in . So we were left with grout over top of grout , and chipped tiles . And the slope of the floor is really bad , which causes water to pool in different spots in the shower and leaves our grout with water stains where the water sits . It 's shitty and depressing and frustrating . That 's all in addition to whatever this caulk situation is . I have my mammogram on Wednesday . We finally got our health insurance cards from Hub 's new corporate overlords . I opened the mail , found the card , and called for my appointment all within about ten minutes . The first they had was a week away ( now this Wednesday ) and I took the appointment . I am pretty paranoid about keeping up with my mammos , so I 'm glad that it 's only about ten days overdue from the day I had it last year . I was supposed to have a relaxing massage last week . I had it scheduled in between two trigger point appointments … I normally go to TP massage therapy once a month ( ish ) . So I scheduled the relaxing massage exactly two weeks after one TP appointment and two weeks before the next TP appoint . And then it snowed , and my relaxing massage appointment got canceled . And I really really wanted it . I mean , not enough to endanger my therapist or myself , but I 'm so disappointed . I knew this was going to be a difficult month ( technically , it 's been a difficult year so far ) , so I had planned for the relaxing massage - which I never get - and then plans went pfffft . Since my massage therapist only works two days a week , there were no openings for me to do a make - up massage . I don 't know when I 'll be able to fit it in again . I told T on Friday that I want this grief to have some kind of end date . But with every day , every month , it stays . It 's a solid burden that I carry with me every . This month is especially difficult as it 's the ( one year ) anniversary of Mom 's death . And with every calendar day I think of what I was doing on " this " day last year . How we had no idea what was coming . How we took her to an arboretum in the city trying to perk up her spirits … not knowing how soon it would get so bad . How it happened so fast . How I was late to Hub 's birthday dinner last year because I was with Mom and Dad helping them with something . How it was only days after his birthday that she was in the hospital and then hours later that she was gone . Grief has no end date . It plays by no rules . It doesn 't give a shit who you are or what you want . It lives and breathes and grows and growls and harps and hammers and changes and does whatever the hell it wants . And it sucks . Yesterday I went to see my massage therapist . It was a long appointment and the therapist worked hard on my trigger points . With all the pain I 've been in , she really had to do a lot of work on my upper body . Arms , upper chest , shoulders , neck , my entire back , my glutes . I came home feeling exhausted and so weary . I probably shouldn 't have driven home myself but I made it successfully . I had the air conditioning in the car full blast to keep me alert , but I think once I turned into my driveway my brain sort of gave up . I drove up the driveway but … when I turned my car toward the garage so I could make a K turn to park in my usual spot , I went just a little too far . And I hit the garage door . Again . I wasn 't going fast and I didn 't hit hard , but I pushed the already damaged door in just enough to break the bits on the inside that hold the panels to the rollers . I did this years ago ( like 3 years ? ) , but at that point I had backed into the garage door and the molding at the edge of the door . I broke my tail light and dented the garage door . The repair guys came out then and just repaired the stuff inside and said it 'd be okay . Well , it WAS okay until I hit it again yesterday . The guys came out today and said the door parts were damaged beyond repair and we 'd likely have to replace two of the panels . They are supposed to call tomorrow or Friday to let us know the cost . I don 't know what happened … and I can 't believe I hit the garage door a second time . I guess I 'm thankful that this time I didn 't damage my SUV and that Hub couldn 't have cared less that I hit the garage . He was more upset that I was so upset with myself . We can 't use the garage until we get the repairs done , which doesn 't really affect me because I don 't park in the garage but it means Hub can 't put his car in the garage . Again , he 's totally not upset about the damage , but I am . So I haven 't been sleeping much at all for the last six weeks or so because of all the pain I 've been in . I slept about an hour or two ( fitfully ) Monday overnight to Tuesday because Hub went to an overnight sleep study at our local hospital . Tuesday I had my massage therapy , and Tuesday night I was in extra pain from the trigger points she worked on . Today , Hub worked from home and I spent most of the day on the couch trying to find a comfortable position . I 'm not sure I 've tried to describe this before , but when my massage therapist works on trigger points , I am often left with a feeling of horrible bruising ( without any bruises ) and like I am resting on golf balls that are pressing right on the bruised points . All my body weight right on those bruised spots with hard golf balls pressing right into those spots . It 's painful . Even moving is painful . The best thing I can do is not move . Find a position that doesn 't put too much pressure on any of those spots ( and they are numerous and spread throughout my back , arms , shoulders , and butt ) and then don 't move . So I was stretched out on the couch while Hub was working nearby and everything is hurting … and I start crying . I 'm exhausted and in so much pain and I just feel overwhelmed . And I 'm sad . I miss my mother so much every single day . And I know now that March was the beginning of the end for my mother last year . And I 'm thinking of the things we were trying to do with Mom last March … and how fast it went in the end . The tears just came and I let them . I feel so sad . And lost . I can 't believe it 's been almost a year . I can 't believe how much time has passed without her . How life has gone on for so long without her . It hurts . Physically and emotionally and mentally I am just exhausted and sad . I got my eyes checked - for the first time in at least six years - only to find that my prescription has barely changed . In fact , the doctor wanted to roll back my prescription a smidge but I declined . I just picked up my new glasses about an hour ago and when I put them on , I felt weird . I think we ended up a tiny bit stronger , but the technician said it could also be the upgraded coating on the lenses that made me feel funky . I 'll have to ease into the new glasses , which is fine because I still have an old pair to use in the meantime . The new glasses have half - frames , so they should be lighter on my face . The second pair of " new " glasses I got are actually one of my old frames with new lenses . I would say it was cheaper to do it that way , but honestly by the time I picked the first set of new frames , I was so freaking tired of looking at frames that I just told her to put new lenses in my old frames . They were in fine condition and they were going to be my back - up pair anyway . Everyone I worked with at the optometrist kept repeating that I had single vision lenses ( instead of bi - focals ) and they all sounded surprised . Kind of annoying , but honestly the major reason I didn 't go back to get my eyes checked in the last six years is because at 39 years old , the optometrist told me at 40 I 'd be needing bi - focals ( because that 's " the age " ) and I didn 't want bi - focals so I didn 't go back . And here I am , six years later , still no bi - focals . So poo on all of you . Meanwhile , I also hate getting my eyes dilated , but this optometrist had some new - fangled technology that let them take pictures of my eyes and I was able to put off dilation again . Monday we took Le Moo for her annual " senior " check - up at the vet . We took Butthead , too , because we 'd noticed her front two bottom teeth were disappearing . The vet assured me that it wasn 't likely to be the case when we talked in email , but we brought her anyway to make sure . Le Moo is healthy and has lost about 10 % of her weight . She went from 94 pounds to 86 pounds , which we are doing on purpose because as she ages she seems to be more prone to limping after running or playing . She 's a big girl and we 've always had trouble getting her to lose weight , so we gave up and she pretty much maintained a steady weight for all the years we had her . Then we saw the limping issue and we started getting really strict and we 've noticed it paying off . We 'll keep up with it and try to keep her from injury . The vet looked at Butthead 's teeth and said they aren 't disappearing , the gum is growing up over them . Nothing to do unless it bothers her and so far she hasn 't complained . Unfortunately , the vet is 90 minutes away , so it kind of takes up several hours just going , doing the appointment , and coming home . So Hub 's MLK day off was pretty well used it by that . I 'm glad Le Moo is doing well … she 's somewhere around eight years old , which is getting up there in big dog years . And ya 'll know I worry . We 're going to have to get her back to the vet to get her teeth cleaned ( she 's got bad teeth , yo ) , so we 'll be making that trip again in the next month or so . Yay . So Tuesday was my six month check - up with the gyn onc surgeon . Because of Hub 's status with his company ( they got bought out and are in transition ) , I didn 't want him to have to take a day off to accompany me to an appointment that would likely last less than 15 minutes . So I sent him on his way to work and girded myself for the hour ride to the onc 's office . Under normal circumstances , I would have been nervous but okay to make the trip on my own . I made the appointment for after rush hour and I plotted my route to go on the mostly un - used toll road to avoid further traffic . But … it rained . I knew it was predicted to be " light showers " so I told Hub I 'd be fine on my own . When I got on the road it was lightly showering . Ten minutes in , before I even reached the toll road , it was pouring . And I was sweating bullets , hands clutched on the steering wheel , talking myself into being OK . I don 't like driving in the rain and I hate driving on wet roads . I have been in a full 360 degree skid behind the wheel before and it 's not fun , so I try to avoid driving in weather . In addition , the toll road is 60mph , and the highway that I was supposed to be getting on at the other end is 60mph , with lots of traffic . So when I rolled onto the toll road , I basically planted myself three or four car lengths behind a dump truck and kept speed as comfortably as I could . Halfway along the toll road , the dump truck changed lanes and sped off . WTF . But I stayed steady and with the few cars on the road flying around me , I made it along the toll road . At the other end , I decided to exit early onto a main road that cuts through the city that I knew would have lots of traffic lights and lots of cars , but also slower moving . And I splashed my way along for half an hour until I got to my destination . It was a good thing I left early , and I made it with ten minutes to spare at the doctor 's office . The doctor was " only " 45 minutes late ( we 've actually waited for 2 hours for prior appointments ! ) , he spent less than 10 minLuckily for the trip home it had stopped raining but the roads were all wet . Even so , I made my way along the major highway back to the toll road , and then meandered along the toll road toward my exit . Unfortunately again , the exit ramp I have to take from the toll road to the highway home is a HUGE flyover , which I don 't even like to drive on DRY pavement . Instead I took the exit for the opposite direction which is a normal exit and I turned around at the first traffic light . And I headed home on more regularly traveled roads , which meant I was more comfortable even though the streets were still wet . In March I will go for my mammogram . It 's still hard for me to go to these appointments and to know when I get home that I don 't have my mother to talk to about what happened . I thought it would get easier , but so far it hasn 't . Tomorrow I go for a " consultation " to get my hair did . The salon I selected ( different from the one I used last year … partly because the stylist never answered my queries and now because I find out this new salon has more " organic " hair dye ) wants me to come in to meet the stylist and to let the stylist see my hair and confirm what I want done . If all is well , I go in early on Saturday to get all the colors . ALL THE COLORS . When I was younger I used to box dye my hair all the time , mostly variations on reds because I didn 't like my plain brown hair . At some point I became too ill physically to dye my hair so I stopped . Then I did it a few more times when I was feeling better , but it was a pain in the ass and everything got all stained ( including ME ) and I didn 't really love the results , so I stopped again . One year I went and got my hair all chopped off and then I had the salon dye my hair but … well , I wasn 't really keen on how it looked and it seemed like the color washed out pretty quickly and I didn 't want to waste my money . Only last year did I decide to get something done again and I wanted it to be a little funky to make my mother smile . I got a combo of auburn and violet done , but Mom never noticed and the final look wasn 't as pronounced as I had hoped . Over the past year I haven 't bothered to do anything except let my hair grow out . But after my breast MRI and my colonoscopy and my eye exam , and now my onc follow - up , I knew I wanted to do something fun to celebrate the positive news I 've been getting . I 've been stalking Instagram ( which I don 't use ) for different pictures of what I wanted and I am vacillating between something oil - slick color looking and something more jewel - toned , but there 's definitely gonna be blues and purples and maybe some teal and pink . We 'll see what the stylist says tomorrow . If I can get a picture of before and after , I 'll come back and post them . I 've also gone past my birthday . My father asked me three or four times if I wanted to go out to dinner for my birthday ( he called around lunchtime ) but I kept saying no . I felt bad because I know he likes to go out to dinner and I am sure he felt it was what he could do for me , but I didn 't want to go out . I stood my ground and I thanked him , but said I wanted to chill at home . Hub acquiesced and didn 't do anything special for dinner , but we were together so that was fine . The weather outside was crappy and icy so I was just as happy to stay inside and just BE . My aunt - who doesn 't do so good with the whole grief support thing - called and kept me on the phone for 45 minutes talking about stuff . Two of my three brothers emailed me to wish me happy birthday , and my very old dear friend did the same . But no call from my mom , which was the hardest part . Just knowing the whole day that she wouldn 't be calling and we wouldn 't be talking . It sucked . And now it 's over for another year . Friday I will literally be in therapy while the inauguration is going on . Like I had planned it that way . The rest of the day I will be avoiding all manner of television and radio and social media . Bleh . I am still in a pretty good amount of physical pain . The nausea is still around but it feels like less often , so that 's good . Sleep is still sucky . The imbalance is so - so . My jaw pain is still bad , though . Headaches are not quite as bad . I broke down and saw my massage therapist last week so she could work on the TMJ pain , which worked pretty well for about a day . Next week I go back to her for my regular body - work session . One day I 'm going to schedule a woo - woo relaxing massage with her because she 's damn good at it ( I had one shortly after my mother died as a gift to myself ) and I really want it . I wish my insurance covered that shit because it is physically helpfully to me just like physical therapy was , but it 's not covered . And it 's pretty expensive for an appointment … not that I think it 's overpriced . My massage therapist is a boss and hella good at her job … and she works fucking hard to help me . I can 't even imagine how hard it is on HER body to do the work she does ! I have no idea if she 's in line with other massage therapists , but I know she earns every damn dollar during our appointments . I just realized how long this was . I 'm gonna end it now . I should have broken this up into separate posts , but in my head it all felt related . Thanks for sticking with me . My aunt and uncle ( my mother 's brother and sister - in - law ) have been trying to get us to come to gatherings at their house or their daughter 's house since my mother 's passing two months ago . In both cases , I declined , as I was not ready . My father went to the mother 's day gathering , and came back saying it was very difficult for him . I figured this would be very low key , so I didn 't make a big thing of it . I invited my aunt and uncle , my cousins , a friend of my mother 's , and my local siblings . I told people to bring any kind of side dish that they liked to eat , but that we would provide the grilled meats . I didn 't think about anything until I needed to buy the food a few days before , and even then I kept pushing it out of my head . I thought Memorial Day would be easier because we don 't associate the " holiday " with my mother . In past years , if we ever did anything for Memorial Day , it was an impromptu cook - out at my house mostly because Hub wanted to grill anyway and sometimes my parents and brother would join us . I thought this would make everything easier . When I went over on Sunday to bring some food ahead of time to my father 's house , I asked him if he wanted help setting up in the dining room , which is where we normally host more than the immediate family . But he wanted to have everyone in the kitchen . We went through a bit of work to make that fit , but he seemed to want to stay away from the formal dining room where we usually have gatherings . I understand , so I didn 't discuss it with him , we just did what we needed to for the kitchen . There was a snafu with the grill , but we managed to get food grilled and put out on the island for people to serve themselves and then sit at the table together . I felt very disconnected from everyone . I spent most of the two hours disengaged and quiet . No one seemed inclined to hang around after eating . My aunt - the one who can 't seem to get past her own grief for her mother - put her hand on my shoulder on the way out and said , " It 's a good first step , right ? " I wanted to punch her in the throat . Instead I said , " thanks " and turned away . We cleaned up , then everyone pretty much left . When I thought my father was okay , Hub and I went home . I was a bit annoyed at the " side dishes " that people brought ( someone brought a little package of pre - cut fruit , someone else brought a little bowl of cut veggies , and someone brought a bowl of cole slaw ) , but I really just wanted the evening to be over . I didn 't want to have this get - together . I didn 't want to be the one arranging it . I didn 't want to be there . I hated the whole thing . I didn 't do any of it for me . If it had been my preference , I would have not had any get together . I 'm not ready . I 'm not interested . It hurts too much . My brother , the one who has said how upset he is that the family isn 't getting together ? He 's the one who hardly ever spent time with my parents . He 's the one who doesn 't stop by and visit , or instigate any get - togethers . He never hosts anything at his house . He never arranges any family get - togethers . He never even calls to say " we 're heading out to dinner , want to join us ? " He says he is going to invite our father out to eat to stay in touch with him , but he hasn 't done it . My brother 's wife saw our mother maybe once in the last difficult two months of her life . She just didn 't care . My brother suffers from major depression . He is being treated for major depression . I want to do what I can to help him . I don 't know how he is helping himself in this arena of staying in touch with the family . I think he is relying on me to do it , and I don 't want to do it . If he wants the family to continue to get together , he 's going to have to participate . Because I 'm not going to step into my mother 's shoes and take over . It isn 't me . And I don 't want the things he wants . If he wants those things , he 's going to have to do them . My father … I don 't know what he wants . I don 't think he ever HAD to do anything with regards to family gatherings , so he just doesn 't do it . If I don 't do it , will the family slow fall away from each other ? My father doesn 't want to do anything . He never had to pay bills - my mother did that - so he has no clue what money he has or doesn 't have . He doesn 't know about his the house or car insurance . He doesn 't want to know . My brother - the one who lives with him - is basically doing all the bills . And the grocery shopping . And the cooking . I basically just spent the last ten minutes sobbing . I 've cried myself to sleep the last two nights . Today I just feel overwhelmed and completely overemotional and this isn 't even the first time I 've cried today . Apparently not the last , either . As soon as I catch my breath , I just start again . I 'm in pain . My body hurts . I saw my massage therapist but it didn 't help and she 's going on maternity leave so I won 't see her for months . I 'm not sleeping . The acupuncture isn 't helping . My health anxiety is suffocating me . I haven 't been able to write anything ( my books or anything other than the blogs ) for years . Since before my mother got sick . I can 't figure out the paperwork for my mother 's bonds . I feel like … nothing . I don 't want to engage with anyone . I don 't want to do anything . I don 't have the energy to be the person everyone else seems to need me to be . Not right now . Not today . |
It 's a quiet morning , and I 'm in the house alone sitting in my room , sipping on a steaming cup of coffee , and cuddled under the covers in my robe . Mornings like this are a rarity , and I am fully enjoying the moment . Out there beyond my bedroom door are lists of things I need to buy and things I need to do . Kids and family will begin descending on our house either tonight or tomorrow . I haven 't really been able to clarify exactly who is being brought along to our house … or when . For now though , until my feet hit the floor with some kind of purpose , these morning moments belong to me . Continue Reading » 1 Comment Posted on January 1 , 2013 Late on Christmas day , while our house was still full of people , my oldest daughter and I retired to the living room . T had made mochas with his new milk frother ( awesome ! ) and Emily and I snuck away to a quiet spot to spend few moments together . When we sat down , my daughter told me that she had been prepared to give me a " talking to " that day . Sadly , I wasn 't shocked . My poor daughter has been my watchdog and my rock , but on Christmas day , she was proudly smiling at me . She went on to tell me that she had been prepared for me to be upset that Andrew hadn 't been able to be home with us and that my parents were gone . She had been prepared for me to wallow in what was NOT instead of being grateful for what WAS . I smiled . She was right to have been prepared with that talk , and I was ridiculously proud that she didn 't have to say those words to me . Yes , I have changed . The changes have been subtle , and they have been a long time coming , but here they are . I made the most of the moment right in front of me . Best of all , I made my daughter happy and proud . Continue Reading » 1 Comment Posted on October 23 , 2012 Anyone out there who thinks that government employees are overpaid , lazy people who can 't get a job in the private sector , think again . Most of us have been employed in the private sector at one time or another . Many of us will return to the private sector again at some point in the future . That 's where I 'll be once again when I can no longer take the stress of being a government employee . While I can only speak for myself , I am in this job , because I want to make a difference . I believe in what I do , and that means something to me . I 've been in jobs before where I was nothing but a corporate drone . Now I 'm in the trenches , and most of the time I like that . Although , all too often the people I am fighting for perceive me as an enemy or " one of the bad guys . " Continue Reading » 2 Comments Posted on January 10 , 2012 We have watched my mother 's health steadily fail for the past six months . In December she fell and ended up in the hospital . She wasn 't strong enough to join us for Christmas . It was my first year without MY family for Christmas , and even though Mom and I have had our issues , not having any parents or grandparents around for the holidays was a very sad thing to face . On New Year 's Eve , Mom was taken from the restorative care unit to the hospital due to congestive heart failure . More dialysis , in addition to the three other times each week , helped to relieve the symptoms . As the days passed , it became clear that she was failing . Her weight dropped below 100 pounds . Her mind was becoming fuzzy . She began to lose control of her bodily functions . She hid her medication . She though that she was on a cruise ship . She thought the nurses were trying to kill her . I called a meeting with her Nephrologist . I wanted to know what the long - term prognosis was . Would Mom ever be able to return to independent living ? The answer was no , yet he still " held out hope . " Hope for what , I am not sure . Her kidneys had not functioned at all for years . She can no longer walk . She is on oxygen , and a million different medications . I 'm not sure what his definition of " HOPE " is . She wasn 't going to regain health . What he meant by HOPE was that she could be kept alive with extensive medical intervention so that she could linger for a few weeks in a nursing home . I asked him if anyone had ever considered discontinuing the dialysis . Well , yes . Had they ever discussed that with my mother ? Well , no , they hadn 't really thought it would come to this point . They hadn 't thought that she would live this long . ( So many of years of medical training , and they hadn 't considered all of the possibilities ? ) I was shocked . Well , here we were . It had happened , and it was time to make some decisions . What I was looking at seemed cruel . This was no way for a human being to live … . and to be kept alive . The doctor and I approached my mom with the facts . We made it her choice to consider ceasing dialysis . She decided to continue to receive treatment . I was in support of her decision . It was obvious that she needed to let everything sink in . We all needed to buy some time to make the adjustment to the next step . Mom was moved back to the rehabilitation facility and would continue to be transported to the dialysis center three times each week . This was last Thursday . On Friday morning , I received a call from a nurse . Mom was refusing all treatment . She said that she had had enough . I was at work , had walked out of a meeting to take the call . I asked the nurse to tell my mom that I encouraged her to go to her treatment and that I would be by to talk to her after work . T and I drove down that evening to talk with her about what was going on . I explained that a nurse had called to tell me what had happened , and my mom said , " They should mind their own damn business . " She said that she was done . She was tired . I felt a sense of relief . I have her medical power of attorney , and I didn 't want to have to make that decision without her consent . I called Mom 's friends to tell them what was going on and asked them to pay her a visit . I spent most of my weekend by her side . It was calm and peaceful . She slept most of the time . Sometimes , she was disoriented and asked if Dad was out in the yard . I tried to get her to drink or eat small bits of food that I felt would be soothing . We watched " Parent Trap . " The old one with Haley Mills . On Monday , something changed . She woke up demanding to go to dialysis . Her nurse called me . They were under the impression that dialysis treatment had been discontinued . What did I want them to do ? What should they tell her ? Initially , I told them , no … . no more dialysis . Then I stood there wondering what I had just done . Was I denying my own mother medical treatment when she was requesting it ? I called T . What should I do ? I asked him to meet me at my mom 's room . She was angry and disoriented . She said , " Well , yes … . I am going to dialysis . I will die if I don 't go ! " I was stunned . We had had moments of peace over the past few days . I didn 't know what to do . I stood there feeling helpless . She lashed out at me . She said , " I can see by the smirk on your face that you enjoy having this kind of control over my life . You want to pull the plug . " I was speechless . I didn 't know what to do . I didn 't know what to say . I looked at the floor and reminded myself over and over not to say anything that I would live to regret the rest of my life . I looked at her calmly and told her that there was not one thing about any of this that I was enjoying . I told her that she had made the decision . She asked me where Dad was , and I blurted out that he had been dead for two years . I burst out crying and had to turn around . T sat there in the middle of a terrible situation . I remember him talking calming in a low voice to her , but I don 't know what he said . When I came back near them , and was more composed , she looked at me and apologized . She said that she wished she knew where our relationship had gone wrong . I felt adrenaline flood through my body . Thirty years of wrong . How could we resolve thirty years of wrong ? I had been determined to do right , not to let past differences and slights cloud my judgement in making the best medical decision for another human being . I had been kind and caring . All of this came out of the blue , and it shocked me . I have never been so hurt and shaken in my life . I wanted to run from the room , and running away is not usual for me . I wanted to melt . I wanted to cease to exist in the middle of this life of mine . Too much hurt . Too much . I was shaking and crying . I told her to go to dialysis . I said that I refused to feel responsible for making this decision to discontinue treatment . " Go ! Please go . You don 't have a plug . I am not pulling a plug ! " I left the room to tell the nurse to make arrangements for my mom to be transported to dialysis . The nurse looked shocked . She advised that my mother may not make it through a treatment . There was another call this morning . This time it was from the Kidney Center . They had been surprised to see my mother show up for treatment . They discussed a feeding tube with her . They discussed hospice care . They suggested discontinuing treatment . They wondered what I thought . After all , I have that damn power of attorney . I told them that one of their own doctors had told my mother that there was hope . Yes , hope for a day , a week . They didn 't think that she would live out the month even with treatment . There was a meeting later this afternoon with all of the Kidney Center staff . They would discuss my mother 's case at that time and call me later . It was determined that treatment was no longer of any benefit to my mother . She could continue to receive treatments , but at this point , they may do more harm than good . A feeding tube would enable her to have a little more time , but my mother had already said that she didn 't want to go that route . Did I want them to talk to her and arrange hospice treatment or would I prefer to tell her myself ? Tonight T and I went to tell my mother that there was no longer any hope . A few days , a week , a month at best . We entered her room , and she was sleeping . I woke her up and asked how she was feeling . She was groggy for a while , and we three sat and watched HGTV . I didn 't know how to begin this conversation . I was at a loss . T finally began talking . Quietly we explained everything . She just looked at us . What do you say when someone tells you that it 's real , you are now dying ? Mom , this is it . There isn 't anything left to do . I told her that I wanted the time she had left to be comfortable and full of family and friends rather than more and more medical care . I told her what to expect physically . There should be no pain . It would be peaceful . ( I pray to God . ) I asked her if there was anything she wanted . She asked me if I believed in Heaven and Hell . I told her no , I don 't . I said , " I believe life is Hell enough , what waits on the other side is Peace . " As T and I drove home , he told me that when I had stepped out to talk to the nurse , my mom had asked him if I was OK . He told her that this was not easy for me . She is all I have left of my family . When she is gone , I don 't have anyone else left of my family . He told her that I was carrying a burden of guilt , because I didn 't want her to think that I was responsible for ending her treatments . She said , " Why would Pam think that ? " He reminded her of what she had said the previous day , and asked her not to say such things again . He told her that we would do our best to care for her , and asked her to leave me with peace . I was shocked by what he told me . I didn 't know he would defend and protect me in such a way , and I loved him for being able to say the words that I was not able to speak . 3 Comments Posted on January 6 , 2012 It seems like a lot has happened since my last blog post . A lot , yet nothing much at all . There were no significant , life - changing events , but yet I feel a certain sense of change . Christmas has passed . It is a new year . I am another year older , having celebrated a birthday during my blogging absence . I apologize for temporarily shutting down both blogs for a period of time . It was not my intention to cause alarm or concern . I simply needed a time to hibernate . I needed a time of quiet reflection . I suppose I needed solitude . I had ten days of no work , time with all four kids home , happy and getting along well . I ate too much . At times , I drank too much . T and I rang in the New Year with old friends . For the first time in years , I was not on stage playing music , but I was one of the crowd enjoying the entertainment . That made me sad , and it felt odd at first . Eventually , though , I was out on the floor dancing up a storm . That night , I belly laughed for the first time in over two years . The sensation caught me by surprise . At first , I didn 't recognize what was happening , and it made me laugh even harder in wonder at the privilege of having the experience of happiness and joy flash into my life for a brief moment once again . Those were words I heard my dad repeat hundreds of times . My dad lived those words . They were written and framed in a variety of places in his home so he would never forget . He was reminded over and over to accept with courage whatever life sent his way . I have never had a problem with courage . Many times , I have faced down my fears . The word CAN ' T , the word NO , those were words that offered a challenge to me . Being told that something was not possible only spurred me to try harder to prove the possibility . Fighting for what I wanted or what I believed in was never the problem . It has taken me two years to learn an important lesson . There are some things in life that I cannot change . Can 't . No . Some things are beyond my power to control . I know that concept may seem like a no - brainer to some , but not to me . I thought if I fought hard enough , tried hard enough , I could make practically anything go MY WAY . Of course , I have always understood that there were things , like death , that were beyond my control , but beyond that , I stubbornly , bull - headedly believed that there was very little else that I could not sway , or fix , or influence . I was wrong . While I may have not lacked courage and conviction , something else has been lacking . A great , gaping hole stood in the middle between me and acceptance . That gaping hole was wisdom . " … the courage to change the things I can ; and the wisdom to know the difference . " Two years of struggle , and an unwillingness to admit acceptance into my life , has taught me that WISDOM does not come easily . Along with wisdom comes acceptance , and acceptance brings with it a sense of calm . For the first time in so very long , I have had moments of calm and peace . I have had moments that have allowed me once again to recognize myself , the woman I once was , the woman I hope to be again someday . Acceptance does not take away sadness or loss , but it has allowed me to occasionally step off of the hamster wheel . This wisdom has allowed me to stop punishing myself . Yes , some things are beyond my control . I now understand why my dad found it necessary to keep the words of the Serenity Prayer near to him . Like me , he needed to be reminded . It was a lesson that had not come easily to him , but once learned , he never forgot the value of that lesson . 4 Comments Posted on December 11 , 2011 Last night , T told me to get ready . We were going out for dinner . He said with a silly smile that I needed some red meat . Double entendra . Em didn 't have plans , so the girls could stay home by themselves . I agreed that it sounded like a good idea . It had been a hard day . I didn 't feel like cooking . The girls seemed happy at the thought of having us out of the house for a while . They were both occupied with their own things , and seemed to be looking forward to an evening of quiet … . without Mom and Dad hanging around the house . While I didn 't feel much like going out , the thought of a juicy steak at one of our favorite spots perked me up a little . I had been a slob all day . We were heading out for a late dinner by the time I got myself cleaned up and looking presentable . It was nice , though , because the Saturday night rush had already passed by the time we got there . We went to a local favorite . It 's a cozy , intimate place , and has a beautiful evening view of the runway lights at our local ( tiny ) airport . To top it all off , the food is always wonderful . We enjoyed a cocktail and conversation while we waited for our food . I could already see that this was a good idea as I began to feel myself begin to relax for the first time all day . My friend T . There he was across the table , always knowing what is best for me even before I know it myself . As soon as my tension began to subside , deep , deep fatigue began to set in . The adrenaline had been replaced with exhaustion . T asked where I wanted to go after dinner , but all I really wanted to do was to go home and go to bed . He tried to entice me with a drive down by the river to look at Christmas lights . Maybe we could stop for martinis ? " No , please . All I want to do is go to bed . " I can 't ever remember feeling so wilted . We drove home after dinner , and I immediately got ready for bed . He was there in bed with me , and I 'm not sure where I was . Yes , I was in bed , but I seemed to be floating . I rolled over , laid my head on T 's chest , and hung on for dear life . The headache was back , and I felt like I was swirling and spinning . I was hot and cold at the same time . I was sweating and shivering . Images and emotions flashed at me in my half - sleep . At some point , I fell asleep . Around 2 : 30 a . m . , I woke up . I was tangled in the covers , and my hair felt damp and stringy . I wanted to get out of bed . I wanted to wander around the house . I wanted to stand and look out of a window . It was December 11 . I picked up my phone to confirm the date . There it was , taunting me in the darkness , December 11 . I laid there , forcing myself to stay in bed when all I wanted to do was flee . I 'm not sure where I wanted to go , but I didn 't want to be there in the quiet darkness with my thoughts . If I got up , though , it would be the actions of a crazy woman . " Normal " people don 't wander around the house in the middle of the night . I flung my leg across T and grabbed his arm . Once again , I hung on until sleep came . This morning when I woke up , it felt like I had won a battle . I had been victorious . I hadn 't cried . I hadn 't wandered around the house thinking and thinking . I had CHOSEN not to do the things that would feed the fires of grief . Instead of floundering around in the water , I had held onto my life raft . Today was another sad December 11th . My mom has been moved from the hospital to a skilled nursing unit . It 's depressing , even though the facility is nice . She lays behind a curtain on her half of the room . This is what her life has been reduced to , a room , a bed behind a curtain . As I watched her laying there , mumbling in and out of sleep , I wished for my dad once again . To see her like this would have made him so sad . If Dad were alive , he would have been able to keep her at home . He would have been able to care for her in a way that I am not able . My children , my job , my responsibilities have not allowed me to become the full - time caregiver my dad once had been for her . I sat with her in the darkened room . I wondered what her mind was thinking as she slept . I hoped that the thoughts in her dreams were better than the reality of what her life has become . I hoped that she was remembering the things that once made her life worth living . We didn 't talk at all today . She drifted in and out , and I sat in a chair … watching and thinking . We had once been a little family , Mom and Dad , and me . Those days have passed . So many things have passed . Too many . I drove by the old house on my way home from the hospital . I had to stop and go inside . For just a moment , I stood there in what was once a living room . Think of that word ! Living room . It was once a place where people lived . It had once been full of life , love , family , and conversation . I gently touched the place where I had found my dad two years ago . I touched that spot , but I remembered other times , happier times , and I was thankful that this is where he had taken his last breathe , in the living room , in a place he loved , in the comfort of his own home . 5 Comments Posted on December 10 , 2011 It 's in there , but I am holding it back . I really want to get through the next few days without tears . I 'm not sure why , or what , but I think if I can remain stoic through this weekend , I will be proving something to myself . I woke up after a restless night 's sleep with a monstrous headache . Lola was standing by the edge of my bed asking if she could go outside and play with the neighbor kids . I raised my head up to look at the clock on the bedside table . Ugh ! It was much earlier than I had intended on getting up . T , who is an early riser , was already up and gone . Bless his heart . He was doing the weekly grocery shopping . I sat up groggily , hair wild , head pounding , and tried to figure out what I needed to do first . I threw on a robe , and proceeded to help Lola dress in warm clothes to play outside in the 1 / 2 inch of snow . I remember those days of childhood . Even a sprinkling of snow was too good to miss out on when it 's Saturday morning and the neighborhood kids were ready to play ! Once she was out the door , I popped the first handful of many ibuprofen I would be taking today . I poured a cup of coffee and tried to figure out what was wrong with me . I felt miserable , but I didn 't have time to dwell on that . I had promised Em to go with her to see our " Hairapist . " We love the woman who does our hair . Not only does she help us look our best , she has become a close friend over the years . In fact , she and I are planning a weekend trip in January . I didn 't dare have a bite to eat . This headache was one of those debilitating , make you sick , kind of headaches . I threw on some clothes , put my crazy hair up into a ponytail , and slipped on some sunglasses . I walked into the Hairapist with Em , and visited for a while before heading out to get us all mochas for our visit . That 's when the first wave hit . As soon as I was alone in the car , I felt like crying . I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the tears begin to well up in my eyes . I wanted to be home . I wanted to be in bed with the covers pulled up over my head . I wanted a friend . I needed a hug . I wanted my head to stop hurting . I wanted the stress and the worry to go away . I looked back at the poor , pained woman in the mirror , and I said , " Buck up , baby . No tears for you . " I bought the mochas and headed back . The visit really did do me good . The mocha revived me , and the friendship of women ( stylist and my daughter ) was exactly what I needed . I popped a few more ibuprofen along the way , and the pain began to become manageable . It was noon , and I still had not eaten . I still couldn 't . Our next stop was the hospital , and knowing what waited there drowned out my appetite . I am tired of long corridors and medical staff . I 'm tired seeing so many people who are going through terrible times in their lives . I 'm tired of the haunted looks on so many of the faces I pass by . It is Christmastime , and once again , I find myself in sterile hospital corridors instead of celebrating the warmth of the season . I am tired , so damn tired . T has been wonderful to me this past week . Knowing that he cares even when he isn 't along for the ride does help . I called him to give him an update on my mom 's condition , and he answered the phone , " Hi , precious … . " Two words , and they lifted a load of pain . Em and I stopped for a bite to eat on the way home . We had a chance to talk , to eat , even to laugh . She is going through a hard time with the approach of December 11th , too . Tomorrow . Tomorrow . Tomorrow . It will be here , and then it will be over for another year . Until then , I will hold my breath and my tears . December 11th won 't take anything else from me without a fight . I 'm finally home . It 's Saturday , and it was more exhausting than a day at work . I wanted to lay across my bed and have a good cry . I felt the tears building up behind my eyes , in my throat , and down across my chest . I didn 't do it , though . Not this time , and hopefully , I won 't ever again . The tears exhaust me , and I need my strength . The tears weaken me , and I need my strength . I refuse to give another ounce of myself over to this grief . I need my strength . Instead of tears , I will write . I will release the grief in a way that does not sap me of energy , but instead , strengthens my resolve . I 'm snuggled up under the ugly blanket made by my great - grandmother years ago . I have a cup of coffee next to me . T had a pot waiting for us when we got back home . I 'm safe , and I 'm comfortable now . Right now , I have all that I need . |
Introduction : This is a purely fictional tale about a man that decides to become a woman . . . warning . . . . . When I was eight years old , my mother walked in on me with her bra on , two crocket balls in the cups , feeling myself up and listening to the Radio . She didn 't get too angry , but we talked about it . At the time I remember feeling embarrassed , but very comfortable in her clothes . There was nothing said to my father , and we never mentioned it again . In middle school I discovered my sisters underwear , and when she was out with friends , I would try on her clothes , and then carefully put them back the way I found them . Throughout high school I was the perfect guy , hooked up with women , dated , but always in the back of my mind I thought about the female body . In college , I lived alone , and while I still dated women , I bought my own clothes and at night , while masterbating to porn , always watching the woman 's body bounce on a big dick . Let me interrupt and tell you more about me . I have always been the small guy . I ran cross country in high school . I 'm 5 ' 6 " about 120 , and thankfully , the only thing large about my body is my dick . Usually when I first hooked up with a girl , they made comments , and I actually had a few that wouldn 't go any further . Soft I 'm 5 inches , hard , 9 . 5 . The moment happened one night when I was out with friends . I had smoked up earlier and was on the dance floor with a girl and while dancing behind her , she brought my hand up and put it on her chest . She was attractive , but I instantly got hard thinking about myself feeling my own chest . After dancing and drinks , I ditched my friends and went back to her place and we had sex . The entire time I fucked her I watched her tits and wanted them to be mine . When I came , I wasn 't me . I was her accepting myself . When I went home I thought long and hard about it all . For days , the idea kept swimming in my mind . I began to wonder if I was gay . I went through my past , and thought about it all . I decided I would experiment in a non - threatenin " I have been thinking for a long time that I am a woman . Since I was really little , I 've wanted a woman 's body . That 's why I 'm here . " " Well Denise will give you a place to go to get the necessities and she can schedule the times for the next appointments . " I left his office excited . I made the appointment six months from that day and drove to Wentworth Avenue to a store that they told me to visit . When I got there I handed them the letter from the Doctor , and the lady brought me to a back dressing room completely clueless about what was required . When she came back in she had a check list . She asked me how large I wanted my breasts , and I was clueless . She brought in several breast forms and showed me the size . Still completely clueless , she said she would bring in some vests and I could try them on . We started small , and went through a few sizes . Everytime I wanted bigger . I wanted the tits the girl I fucked had . We moved up a vest and then suddenly , when I tried the next size on I felt they were me . " Size 12 it is . You do want them big . Let me measure you to see what bra size you would be . " When she returned , I put the bra on and I began to feel more comfortable than I had ever been . We talked about other things I would need to do , she made some calls , I paid , and then went to the next address given me . There I was waxed from my neck down , except my pubic hair . When I got to my hotel room , I looked in the mirror , and was simply amazed at what I saw . I saw the beginnings of a body that I had always wanted . When I went home I went shopping . I grew my hair out and loved every morning when I could get dressed . In six months I got a referral for hormone therapy , and after a few months , I really started seeing a big difference . I had gotten laser hair removal , my hair was thinning , and I even had the beginnings of breasts . I talked to the doctor several times on the phone , and by the time a year had rolled around , I made my final journey as a man . After much discussion with the doctor , I had insisted on 525cc on top of the muscle . He warned me that it would be a lot , a huge increase in size , and that it would be a more advanced surgery . After everything was over , I laid in bed for weeks . I hurt all over and the bruising didn 't look like it would ever go away , but with time , everything faded . I was amazed with the transformation , and when it didn 't hurt anymore to touch my chest , I found myself jacking off in my bed feeling myself up . It wasn 't until a week later though that it all hit me . I looked in the mirror as I passed the window and for the first time , I saw my entire body . I would never have recognized myself . I looked like a woman , outside my dick , but if I tucked it between my legs , you couldn 't tell . I had curves , not huge curves , but my tits went a long way . They were crazy tight , but the doctor said the skin would stretch . My face had smoothed out with the surgeries . I had no facial hair , and with makeup and my hair no long , you would have a hard time noticing . Along with the fact that my voice had always been a bit higher than most guys , unless you found my dick there was no telling I " Let me buy you another beer . " I was shocked . It was clear he was hitting on me . I accepted the beer , and we talked about what he was doing in town , that he was leaving the next day , and that he was bored in his hotel room and decided to come out and " mingle with the people . " We laughed several times , and there was slight touching , and more beers . Eventually he told me he was heading back to his room , and there was a pause . I didn 't know what to say , but thankfully , he interrupted the silence . I was scared stiff . I tried not to think what would happen , but eventually , and I don 't know where it came from , but I said yes . I stood up from the stool and realized just how drunk I was . He clearly noticed too , because he put his arm around me and steadied me . We walked next door to his hotel , and he guided me into the elevator . He leaned against the back wall and I stood in front of him looking at the numbers begin to change . He grabbed my waist when it read floor 2 , and had pulled me back against him by floor 4 . He was kissing my neck by floor six , and when the doors opened to floor 7 , it was all I could do to mask my hard on . He passed me and grabbed my hand to pull me to his room , and with my other hand , I pulled my dick under the waist band to mask it . I didn 't know how I would deal with the issue when I came up , and from the activity on the elevator , I knew it would be coming up . When we got in the room , he turned to me and kissed me . I tried to stand away from him , but it was difficult . The feeling I felt was amazing . I felt so feminine . I felt desired , sexy . It felt as if all my life had been leading to that moment in time . I broke the kiss and immediately told him I needed to use the bathroom . I peed , but it took a while to get my dick to go down . When I finally exited the bathroom , he was sitting on the bed drinking a mixed drink . I sat on the chair at the desk , and he asked if he could make me a drink . I said yes , and then we sat in silence as I sipped the very strong burbon and coke . I finished my drink with little to no conversation , I began to think that nothing was going to happened , when he suddenly stood up from the bed , came over to me and bent down and kissed me . It was passionate , heavy . He forced me back in the chair with his kiss , and before I knew it his hand was on my chest . I had felt my chest a hundred times , but his touch was something completely different . He squeezed and tugged , found my nipples , now so hard they almost hurt , and rubbed them . He pulled back and then tried to goThe command didn 't seem to bother him . He laid back on the bed , his legs still hanging over the side , and he put his hands over his head . When he did , standing over him , gazing down on his cock , I saw him perfectly framed by my breasts . It was the inspiration I needed . I placed my tits on either side of his cock and pushed my tits together . He fell out a few times , but eventually , I found the right hold to keep him between them . I started moving them up and down on his dick , his head barely peaking out when I was all the way down on him , and I thought to myself that this was the first time I , as a woman , was doing something I could not have done as a man . My saliva provided all the lubrication we needed . The feeling was exhilarating , but the more I moved my tits on him , the more I wanted him back in my mouth . I looked up at him and saw his hands starting to grab the comforter , and that was the cue I needed . I released my tits and his dick slapped against his stomach , and when I found the floor with my knees , I placed his dick back in my mouth . I didn 't go slow anymore . I found the depth I could take , and started moving with force on his cock . He moaned and moved on the bed , and I could feel him tense . His balls retracted , and I knew it was coming . I started just sucking the head , taking only an inch or two more beyond it in my mouth with furious speed . I moved my tongue on his head and the underside of his dick , and with my tongue flicking his hole , he finally exploded . The surge surprised me , but I fought the reflex to withdraw . When the first shot came , I felt the force of the shot against my tongue and immediately the taste filled my mouth . The second shot was thicker , and with much more force , and it splattered against he back of my throat . As he kept cumming , the only sensation I felt was the increasing volume in my mouth , the change in taste and feel in my mouth from a thinner and salty taste to a thicker more bitter taste . I could tell he was cumming less and less , eventually to the point where I knew " Do you need to go to the bathroom ? " I fell back on the bed , my tits swaying back and forth as the full weight of my body came to a stop against the mattress . He laid next to me on his side , his left hand rubbing my tits as I closed my eyes , missing his gaze and concentrating on the feel of his hand against my chest . Eventually I turned to face him and opened my eyes , and when I did , his mouth found mine and we kissed deeply for some time . Our tongues swirled together , and we finally broke from each other . " I love the taste of my cum in your mouth . " " Really ? " I was propped on my side , my right tit resting on my left . Every once and a while he would reach up and pet one . I brought my right leg over to rest my knee on the bed to cover my raging hardon . " Yeah I think its so sexy . " I knew I was passable , knew when I looked in the mirror naked that most guys would miss the small cues that I might be what I am , but then again , there are women that had worse bodies than I do . Big tits go a long way to mask anything , but even knowing all this , there was still doubt in my mind , so when he said what he said , I finally felt that I was a woman both in my eyes and the eyes of others . " Thank you do much . I was clearly blushing . " He started rubbing my chest and moving his hand down my stomach . I retracted and stood up from the bed . I didn 't know what to say . " Then what ? I have no problems doing whatever you want . " " I don 't know what to say . I 'm … I 'm … Well I 'm just not what you think . " " Hell it made me want you more . " He sat up on the edge of the bed and kissed my nipples . He placed his hands on my thighs , and I knew that I didn 't have to say anything else . In the past , I was never this reluctant to get a blow job , but now I was . He moved his hands to my inner thighs , and moved my skirt up . When he got it up so he could see my bulge , I reached down , unbuttoned it and allowed it to drop to the floor . I stood before him with my black panties and my soft cock held away from his face by a thin sheet of satin . I could tell he was nervous , but it didn 't stop him . He pulled my panties down to my ankles and when he came back my dick was right in front of his face . Without any encouragement he took my soft dick in his mouth . He began sucking , and it was clear that he had never done it before . He grazed my dick with his teeth , he didn 't grip it with his lips , but I could tell he was trying , and from my vantage point , my tits in the foreground , him sucking my dick beyond , it was more than enough even to enjoy a horrible blow job . When I was fully hard , he pulled me out of his mouth and just looked up and down my dick . When he put me back in his mouth , he slowly got better . When he moved his hands from my ass to my tits , I instantly went from reluctant to fully turned on , and when he started squeezing , it was all I could do to not explode . After about ten minutes , I couldn 't take it anymore . " I 'm going to cum . " He didn 't stop or slow down . I had learned through the years that I should warn the women that had sucked me because I cum a lot . I released when he gave my tits a squeeze , and when I did , I thought I would blow the back of his head off . I came with such force that it even surprised me , and as I squirted a third and forth time , I felt him gag a bit , but to his credit , he kept on . Looking down on him , cum was dripping out both sides of his mouth . When I pulled out , he laid back on the bed and started telling me how amazing that was . He went on and on about how it was anything but " I thought you left . " I sat down on the toilet and peed . I stood up and without saying anything I pulled back the shower curtain and stepped in . The water was hot , and before I could even move , he was on me . He kissed me deep , and with both arms around me , he squeezed me tight . I closed my eyes and took it all in . He pulled away , and took the soap and started cleaning my body . I turned around for him to clean my back , and after some times rubbing the soap up my back and over my ass , he reached around and lathered up my chest . The whole exchange took only a few minutes , but in that time , my dick was standing to attention to match his hard cock pressing against my back . I turned to face him , and took the soap from his hand and began cleaning his cock with the soap . At that moment , I wanted him to fuck me so bad , but my fear was still overwhelming . I made him swap places with me , and in seconds I was on my knees in the shower , the water rushing over my head , his cock in the back of my throat . I sucked him with reckless abandon , forcing him against he back wall and myself out of the water . I cupped his balls and player with his ass , and when I managed to push a finger into his ass , he exploded in my mouth . I didn 't savour his cum this time . I swallowed as he shot , and before long he grew soft in my mouth . When I stood , it seemed like he didn 't know what to do . I kissed him , and told him to turn off the water , saving him from the awkward decision of knowing whether he should return the favor . I stepped out and grabbed a towel and dried myself , making sure to face him and push my tits well beyond the required time to get them dry . We made small talk , not sexual , got dressed , and it seemed we had reached the point where it was time to say goodbyes . We kissed like I was his house wife sending him off to work , and as he made his way to his car , I took the walk of shame and found my car sitting alone in the parking lot . I went home and checked my email , answered a few questions that were posed by some clients , and with luck , there was not much work to be done . I had a big project I was working on , but because I had pretty much been a shut in over the last few weeks , I was ahead of schedule . I put on fresh underwear , bra , slid on a clean skirt ( I loved wearing skirts ) , two tank tops , and slipped on my Ugg boots . I decided to spend the day doing some much needed shopping . I made my way to the mall and stopped in the strip mall across the street at the store where I had bought all my bras . Since my augmentation surgery , I had followed the regiment of massage and medication , and my breasts had loosened considerably . After a month post - op , my breasts were still so tight that I didn 't really need a bra , but now , I could tell a big difference and since my size was not to be found in Victoria Secret , I paid for the good bras that actually helped support the new weight to my body . I hugged Shelly when I went in , and she grabbed my chest and asked me how it was having my big boobs . We laughed for a minute , and I gossiped a bit about my big night . I told her I wanted a few sexy bras and maybe a good outfit for tonight . " Well tell me , how did he like the girls ? " Shelly had told me that I needed to become a lesbian every time I came in , and this time was no different . I let her have her fun , and then without warning she turned around and made her way through the store picking things out for me to try on . She came back and grabbed my hand and pulled me into a dressing room . We tried on the bras first , all cute , but preferred the lace to the full coverage cup . I picked out two . Then she pulled a raunchy black number that had garders and a G - String . I didn 't think anything about changing in front of her . She sat on the bench and I took off my clothes and once naked , I took the outfit from her and started unhooking the back . " Damn girl . Your dick is huge . " I smiled at her and put it on , adjusted my boobs in the cups and then looked in the mirror . From the waist up , it looked amazing . I felt so sexy , but from the waist down , it was pretty hard to miss that I had a dick . It didn 't hide anything . I turned to look at her . I paid for everything and kissed Shelly which was followed by the familiar tit grab and smile . " You know where I am if you want me to give you a full review on those big things you got . " I smiled at her and got in the car . I went to the mall and made the rounds to the various stores I liked . I bought a really cute dress , a few tops , some panties , and a free flowing skirt . Tired and hungry , I got some food and got back into my car to head home . On the way , I noticed the adult book store that I had passed about a million times without ever stopping . I decided today was the day . I pulled in and walked in . It was the middle of the day , but there were still more people in there than I had thought there would be . I didn 't have an agenda , had no clue what I wanted to look at , so I simply walked around the store and took inventory . In the middle of the store were racks and racks of videos . I looked at the videos , noticed the categories and was simply amazed at the shear volume of titles and variety of topics . Whole sections were designated to fisting , gangbangs , gay , big tits , anal , and the topics went on and on . When I stopped for more than a minute , I noticed that men would get closer to me , clearly not looking at the titles . I shifted everytime it happened , but eventually , concentrating so much on staying away from the men in the store , I found myself in front of the gang bang section . I picked up a video and looked at the title . " Mommy Gangbang . " Wow . I didn 't notice that I was now standing directly beside a guy . He grabbed a video right in front of me . He smiled , made no attempt to look at the video case , and put his face right next to my ear . " I 'm going to preview this movie . Why don 't you check yours out too . " He looked at the title in my hand . " Interesting interests . " He smiled again , and as he passed by me from behind , he drug his hand across my ass . I blindly followed him and waited as the guy sitting in a chair opened the video and walked him into a booth . When he came back , he smiled , took the video and did the same . I walked in behind him and as he moved to go out , he grabbed my tit and smiled again . I sat down in the chair as the video started up , and the affect was startling . There was not much back story . I wasn 't sure if the video was started in mid movie or not , but after a few moments , it was clear that the woman in the video was getting ready to have quite a few men take care of business . Suddenly there was a knock on the wall to my right . On the wall there was a sliding door , and because of the knock I slid the door open and then heard the door on the other side slide open . The wall wasn 't very thick , and the opening revealed a hole about six inches in diameter . Before I knew what was happening , a dick came shooting through the opening . It was large , but not huge , and I was so shocked that I didn 't know what to do . Instinct took over . I grabbed it and started to move my hand up and down . It was smooth and there was just a hint of pubic hair coming through . I looked up and saw there was a bar on the wall toward the ceiling , and I could tell that the man on the other side of the wall was probably holding on for leverage . I didn 't wait any longer . I slid my chair close to the opening and put the head of his dick in my mouth . God I loved sucking dick . Even though I had sucked last night and this morning , the feeling was still overwhelming and like I had never experienced it before . I sucked without much variety and before long he started to cum . I wasn 't ready for it . It wasn 't like the night before . He came in large streams with a lot of force . The taste and the feel of his cum made me instantly hard . I swallowed and sucked , and eventually he pulled back and closed the window . As his door closed , there was another knock behind me . I didn 't take a breath . I adjusted the chair and by the time I slid the door open and his dick was coming through the hole , I had him in my mouth . He was unimpressive in size and didn 't last long , but the entire experience was overwhelming . I adjusted my dick and looked at the screen as I started to leave . The woman in the movie had a dick in her pussy and ass , one in her mouth , and was jacking off two guys with her hands . How she held her balance was beyond me . When I left the booth , I saw the guy I had just sucked . He smiled at me , but didn 't keep eye contact . I walked through the isles of videos and it was as if the entire store knew what I had just sucked two guys off . I went to the wall with the dildos , looked a few packages , and then found the butt plugs . I picked two , one small , one large , and then found a mountable dildo that ejaculated when you squeezed a small pump in the balls . I also bought a large thing of Astroglide . I " Yes , you can put it on the table . " He walked past me , his eyes never leaving my chest . When he got to the table he sat the food down and looked at the bed . On it I had all my clothes , and the sex toys I had purchased . Right beside the tray was the lube I had bought . He turned to me and smiled . " Will that be all ? " " Yes . Thank you . " He went to leave , I could tell with some disappointment , but I stopped him . " Wait . I should give you something . " I reached in my purse and took out a five dollar bill and handed it to him . He looked at it and then me , smiled , took a pen out of his pocket and wrote something on a piece of paper from his pocket . He handed me the paper , " Call me if you need anything else . I work days , so anything you might want I can help you out with it . " I thanked him , and knew that I could have ended naked with him , but I was too chicken and way too hungry . He left , and I sat down and ate . When I was done , I looked at the clock and it was only 2 , so I took off my clothes , turned down the AC and crawled under the covers . When I woke it was 3 : 50 . I turned on the TV , went to the bathroom , and when I came out I saw the toys I bought . I took them out of their packaging and looked at them in detail . I started with the big one , and once I had it out , I realized that it was a better idea than it was a practical instrument for my pleasure . It was enormous , and I thought way too big for my ass . I took out the smaller one and looked at it . It was about 6 inches long with a triangle shape that led to a ridge and then a straight shaft to the base . At first I was reluctant , but then I just dove for the lube . I struggled for a place to do it . Eventually , I settled on the table . After the book store and the entire days events , my dick was rock hard just with the expectation of what was to come . I spit on the table , and then placed the plug on the spit , pushing it down so the suction cup was in place . I squirted a ton of lube on my hand and rubbed it on the plug and then on my ass . I stood over the corner of the table , and lowered myself on top of it . When it got the edge of my ass , I paused . Not even inside me yet , it felt too large to take . I pushed down on it a bit and felt myself parting . I pulled back and then lowered . Each time I did it , it went further in . My ass completely resisted , but after some time , all of a sudden , it slid all the way in and past the lip of the plug . The feeling was quick and amazing . It wasn 't painful , but definitely different and strange . When I pushed down , the feeling was intense and amazing . My cock reacted immeditately . I wasn 't hard , but the pressure inside me was amazing and I felt like I would cum . I heard a beep and then a click and then the door suddenly began opening . He walked in looking at the ground , briefcase in hand . When I hear " I was waiting for you . Long day at work ? " " Your sweet . " I did my best to walk toward him , and hugged him . He put his arms around me and then kissed me . " I see you went shopping . " " Well I enjoy what I 'm seeing now . " He reached down and grabbed my dick . " I never thought I would be so turned on by this . " " Well I always knew I would like that . " I smile at him . " Hey , I 'm going to shower , then maybe we can get some food ? " When he got in the shower , I turned and took the plug out of my ass . I had almost gotten use to it , and it felt like my ass was still open . I wiped it off on my dirty panties , and put it and the other toys in the bag they came in and put them in the closet . I scurried around the room cleaning up , putting the lube away in the beside table , and then made him a bourbon and coke . When I made my way in the bathroom , he was stepping out . He took the drink from me and started drinking . I grabbed the towel from his hand and started at his chest . I worked slowly , intentionally making it a seduction . I avoided his cock on purpose , turning him around and drying his back , down his legs , and then once I was on my knees , I turned him around and dried his cock . He was semi hard at this point , and once I had taken a rub or two with the towel , I couldn 't stand it anymore . I dropped the towel on the floor , and put his cock in my mouth . It tasted wonderful . I sucked for a few minutes . His hands rubbed my head , and now hard , I let it tickle the back of my throat . When he started grabbing the back of my head harder , I stopped . I let his dick slide from my mouth , and looked up at him . I stood and grabbed his hand and then forced him to lay back on the bed . I put his dick in my mouth for a few sucks , and pushed it against his stomach and licked his balls . I swirled my tongue around them , took them in my mouth , and then with my thumb lifted them , and found his ass . I stuck my tongue into his ass and he thrashed backwards . I swirled it around his opening and with every movement his entire body moved . I stopped . I stood up and crawled on the bed beside him . My knees were just on the be , and I leaned over and kissed him . With his left hand he grabbed my face and pulled me closer so we kissed deeper . With his right he reached under me and took my left tit in his hand . " Wait . " I laid down on the bed and reached the bedside table . I got the lube and then sat in front of him . I squeezed out a glob and lotioned up his dick . Then I got back on my knees in front of him and reached between my legs , applied a huge glob on my ass hole . I felt him move towards me and put the head of his dick against my ass . " Go slow . " I braced my self against the bed and put my head on the mattress . He pushed the head of his dick harder against my ass , and it began to part with the pressure . The head of his dick entered me without much effort , no doubt because of the plug , but as more and more of him entered me , the pressure increased and the discomfort grew . I got worried . I wanted to get fucked really bad , but this was not what I was looking for . When I worried more , I squeezed on him , and the squeezing hurt . He stopped moving , not all the way in , and started rubbing my back . The feeling was very relaxing , and before I knew it , with a slight push , he got all the way inside me . I was breathing deep , he was stopped , rubbing my back and ass . I tried to concentrate on him in my ass , and although I wanted to squeeze down , I started to feel normal , and then all of a sudden , strangely enough , my ass seemed to completely relax . He obviously felt it too , because about the same time , he started to pull out and push back in slightly . My breath sped up , and my ass burnt , but quickly , the discomfort and burning began to feel amazing . He began to push in deeper and harder . His body began to slap against my ass , and his dick began to come almost all the way out of me before it moved all the way in . The pace quickened and any discomfort went away . The feeling of his dick inside me was simply amazing , and the movement made me aware of how much I was parting and allowing him to move inside me . When he got all the way in , the pressure against my prostate was overwhelming , and each time it felt like I was on the breach of cumming . When he started grabbing my hips and the slapping against my ass grew , I knew he was close . I felt his balls slap against mine , and I felt my own orgasm growing . That 's when it happened . I felt a huge surge of heat in my ass , and then all friction was gone . I felt him move in my ass , but it was without the pulling against my insides . He slammed harder and I heard him grunting , and with every push inside me the wetness " That was amazing . How did it feel to take a girl 's cherry ? " We went out and ate , come back to the room , and messed around . I sucked him off , and he drank a lot , and before long , he was drunk . He continued to drink as we sat in sat in bed and watched tv , and before long , when I tried to talk to him , he was merely grunts and half sentences . I hadn 't cum all night long . He was laying on his side , and my dick was rock hard . I pushed on his shoulder and there was only a slight sound . I reached around and grabbed his dick and started to pull on it and even after a few minutes , there was no movement from him and no sound . I reached to his ass and started playing , but there was no movement . I pushed a finger in him and he didn 't flinch . He was drunker than I thought . I rolled over and thought the better of it , and then the horniness of it all was too much . I reached over and grabbed the lube and soaked my dick . Then I put a large amount , probably way too much on his ass hole and put the head against his ass . Still no movement . When I pushed in a bit more , he moved slightly , but didn 't resist . He didn 't seem to be tensing up at all . When I managed to get all the way inside him , I knew he had to be beyond passed out . I began pushing in and out of him , the dead ass hole neither resisting or participating . I fucked him slow until I was ready to cum , and then I pushed all the way inside him and ejaculated . When I shot he stirred , but didn 't resist and didn 't wake . When I was done cumming , I pushed all the way inside him and rested there until I softened and fell out of him . I watched as the cum slowly leaked out of his ass , and there was a huge wave of remorse that washed over me as I realized that I had semi raped him . I got out of bed and collected my things . I put everything in the dirty clothes bag , dressed in whatever I could find , and without saying goodbye , I made my way to my car . Once there I closed my eyes , and thought long and hard about the days . Once home , I took a shower , collapsed in bed , and didn 't wake up till the next evening . Read 178308 times | |
He thought he 'd beaten the rap . Managed to get out of the life that had haunted him for several years . A necessity of the mistakes he 'd made , but sitting in his living room , settling in with his beautiful wife , Nadine , to watch some television , Darcy Gerove finally thought he could relax . One last hurdle cleared , and now he could start to live freely again . The misdeeds he 'd committed in his past would haunt him no more . With the boss 's goons flanking him , Darcy shook his head defiantly . " I did what you asked me to . I 'm done doing favors . " He spat at the floor . " Don 't think I 'm one of your call boys . " He nodded at his goons , but Darcy was faster , drawing his weapon and aiming it point blank at the boss . " Drop it or I drop him . " He motioned to the guards . " Guns on the desk , boys . " They obliged him as the boss tried to look at him impassively . Something resembling a menacing stare lit his face . " To protect those I love ? " He sidled past the desk , keeping his gun on him as the goons moved aside like children . " The cops would call me a hero , and you 'd never be able to threaten me or my family ever again . " A smirk . " But my family would be protected . Look me in the eyes and tell me that 's not the only thing on my mind right now . " The boss looked at him , and placed his hands up . " All right . " Darcy kept the gun aimed at him as he backed away , before holstering it . " I could 've laid you out tonight . But I let you live . " He stuffed it in his pants , glaring at the three men across from him . " We 're done . I never expect to see you again . " He turned and walked out the decrepit metal door . A quick ring of the doorbell interrupted his reverie , and as Nadine got up , Darcy held her down . " I 'll get it . " He knew he 'd taken a chance earlier that night . If he saw someone from the gang , he 'd call the police , as Nadine had never really known about the ' work ' he 'd done for them . Luckily , it was just the pizza guy , and Darcy didn 't reach for his gun which sat in a dresser nearby , and he opened the door . " Finally . Took you long enough , we 're st - " His statement was interrupted by the sound of a gunshot . Darcy had heard them before , and even close by . One aimed straight at his torso , however , was a foreign concept to him as he crumpled to the ground , his wife 's scream following shortly afterwards . He tried to stand , but the shot had been point blank , and perfect ; life and strength was draining from his body as the sound and presence of foosteps followed ; it sounded like four or five guys who had rushed into the house . Nadine 's attempt for the phone was futile , and it was all Darcy could do to summon the strength to turn his head , to take in everyone who was involved in his coming death and whatever was about to befall his wife . He took in the faces of everyone , seeing only one familiar one to him ; the guy who typically got him on his jobs . Lindsey Stone . " Boss sends his regards . " He kicked Darcy 's abdomen unecessarily , and his vision started to fade , although his hearing was just fine with the sounds of tearing cloth and his wife 's struggling as they positioned her over the table . No matter what he did , Darcy wanted to end it now , to wish whatever cruel fate he could on them from the afterlife , but death was not that kind . It let him stay alive , to hear them take out their frustrations on his wife , and her screams as they took her . " We 're after more then your family , Darcy . The boss wants to make an example of you . . . " Even as the shot fired , and Darcy 's last parting thought was of his wife , a small part of his brain started to wonder who else they 'd go after . Flashes of that night struck her like a knife to the heart , her father was the commissioner of the police department . The words that came out of his mouth fell dead on her ears , her whole world had been turned upside down in that moment . Sadness ripped her apart as she collapsed onto the ground . A thud echoed in the living room as she found it hard to breath . Darcy and Nadine were all that she had , and her father knew it . Eden knew all of Darcy 's secrets every thing he had done wrong , because he knew she could be trusted . Not even his wife knew much about him , her father never liked Darcy and knew his words would kill her . In that matter , in that moment a part of her died with them . She forced herself onto her feet and could not believe it , she ran out of her apartment very fast . Grabbing her purse and her keys on the way out , her heart beat was pounding . Slamming her foot on the gas of her car , it wasn 't a sports car but it was built to be as fast as one . She got it on her sixteenth birthday , as she made her way to Darcy 's place . Flashes of the past came to her , every moment they had together . And now they were gone ? She refused to believe it , no one could take away the two that meant everything to her . Pulling in she got out quickly not even bothering to lock up her car , leaving her keys in the ignition . Running fast as the Doctor looked around , and when she got in there into their apartment . A flash of pain struck the air out of her lungs , she saw the blood all over as she collapsed beside Darcy . Shock and horror flooded her face , Eden had a gift no one but Darcy knew about . She could see things others could not see , her hand shaking as she placed it onto Darcy 's face . Her heart broken as her secret love for Darcy was consuming her . Echos of the night playing at this moment about what happened , her stormy eyes full of rage , her ears could hear what was said . Even the ghost images of Darcy and his wife , seeing what they did to her . It made her sick to her stomach , to know there were monsters out walking around . Masquerading as people , bumping into you on the streets perhaps accidentally or perhaps to mark you for death . And now Eden had no one , her life being easily destroyed . Eden Wolf was the only one who seemed to care , the police were not really looking in on the killer because of who Darcy was . People suspected wrong during that he did , and no matter who talked to Eden . She protected her friend even in death , saying she knew nothing . And because of who her father was , they backed off of her . Eden was the only person at there funeral , she put forth the money of her own for them to be buried side by side . The ceremony was beautiful and she knelt between their graves , placing each hand on there stones . No more cries could be cried because she had nothing left , her heart bitter as she tasted the bitterness of death . Her stormy eyes looking at her father , as anger could be easily seen and felt . In that moment her father was the enemy , and as she was down on the ground . She knew that she was alone in the bitter world , in the bitter city of Angels . As she got up and slowly walked to her car , she heard the cawing of a bird . It was black , though she could not tell if it was a raven or a crow . Eden saw the beauty in everything that others would see as filthy , but as she looked at the black bird she looked down within herself . Not caring if anyone would see her or even hear what she was about to say . Her eyes switched from blue to gray , as her heart sank in every moment . " I believe there is a place where the restless souls wander . Burdened by the weight of their own sadness . They wait for a chance to set the wrong things right . Only then can they be reunited with the ones they love . Sometimes a crow shows them the way . Because s ometinmes love is stronger then death . " She said to herself , watching the bird fly off into the nothingness of the sky . But she sensed that something bad was about to happen . After she came home , hanging up her coat and slipping out of her black heels . She wasn 't hungry so she didn 't eat , she wasn 't thirsty so she did not drink . She was empty inside , and scared . She opened up her window , but she got flashes of a man coming to her in black . She got up and got into her desk , taking out a gun . She heard the cawing of a bird again . She wrapped her fingers around the pendent Darcy gave her on her eighteen birthday . The only way for her to accept any information was if they knew what Darcy 's nickname for her was . Darcy always called her Ed , and the pendent of a crow clutched in her hand . She heard heavy foot steps coming , Eden had been trained in how to fire a gun . Even knew karate and a black belt at th " Who 's . . . there " She called trying to be strong . He wasn 't sure how he 'd gotten here . One moment , he 'd been shocked into death , with no choice but to let death take him as he fell into the afterlife . The next , he felt himself convulsing , in darkness , and he desperately clawed his way out , even as he felt that his strength wasn 't all there . That part was a little foggy , but eventually he came to , leaning against a tree , a trail of blood leading back to a grave . A flash of lightning illuminated it , showing his name on it . Another flash illuminated the one next to it . His wife . Darcy and Nadine Gerove . R . I . P . Taken from us too soon . Which was the confusing part . Darcy pushed his hand on his wound , trying to stem the bleeding that was clearly still there ; wondering how exactly this was happening . Above him , a crow sat on a branch , which wasn 't incredibly unusual , given the circumstances . What was weird was how it kept watching him , looking at him . As if it was here for him . " Okay , birdy . What the hell you doing looking at a dead man ? " If a bird 's eyes could look at him quizzically , it seemed to . Darcy was irritated , confused , disoriented . . . and he leaned back against the tree . Suck in the afterlife , with nothing but an onlooking crow as a companion . Great . It got worse , however , when the crow suddenly darted in on him , pecking his hand . " Gah ! " snapped Darcy , trying to shoo the bird away , but the instant he hit him , he felt a jolt of pain go through him . " What the freakin - " He looked at his hand , at the gash the bird had left , and saw two strange things . First , that the blood that was coming out of it wasn 't really red . . . it seemed to be much darker , almost black . And second , that the cut was healing before his eyes . Stunned , he looked back at the crow , who was perched on the branch , gazing on him expectantly . Darcy stood up , feeling his strength returning , with no need to hold his hand on his gunshot wound . The sight of the bird reminded him of the one person who might have an idea of what was happening to him . The only thing he had left in the world , if the boss hasn 't taken it away from him yet . But her place was far from here , and he didn 't have a means of transportation as he walked along the sidewalk or several minutes , the crow holding position unabated above him . As he saw it swoop in front of him , he looked back up . " I 'm going to need to come up with a name for you . " He smirked , and eventually , he came upon a bar , and an unattended motorcycle or two . Not for long . He towards it , but stopped suddenly when he saw his reflection in the window . He looked alive enough ; a little ragged and his clothes were torn , sure , but considering where he 'd been , he was fine . His face , though - Pale was one thing . But somehow it was completely white . And his eyelids seemed to be covered in black paint and eyeshadow , along with his black lips . He ran his tongue across it ; tasting nothing , and he shook his head . " I hope Ed knows something . " With practiced movements , he jacked the motorcycle , and any shouts of protest after him were quickly drowned out as he sped away . He had to get to her house . The gang wouldn 't wait long to act on its threat if it was less then idle , and he pulled up some distance away . Just in case they came back for the motorcycle . . . he ran a head through his long , thinning brown - no , black now - hair , carefully stalking up to her house . As if to announce his arrival , the crow flew in through an open upper window , cawing as it did . " Thanks , knucklehead . " He muttered , walking in through her seemingly unlocked front door . He carefully strode in , not wanting to upset or alarm Ed ; she was careful , but if he 'd been taken out by them they could get to her as well . The house was dark , and only brief light from the sun and lightning let him see much at all . He didn 't know who went forward first , only that soon they were locked in the fierce embrace of best friends . It was something that had never bothered Nadine , possibly because she didn 't know as much about him as Eden did . If she had known the extent of their relationship , well . . . . " I don 't know what the hell is happening to me . " He whispered . " I 'm supposed to be dead , but I seem to be healing , my face looks weird . . . . " As if on cue , a noise came from the crow . " . . . I 've got a pet crow , apparently . " With fear in his eyes and his hands trembling as he showed them to her , his voice dropped further . " And you 're in danger here . " Everything in her body was terrified she did not understand who or what was in front of her , but she kept her gun up at all times . Right now everything in her wanted to just shoot first ask questions later . But she was frozen partly from fear but partly because she sensed someone breathing down her neck . Looking into the darkness , but something inside her told her not to shoot at him . She narrowed her eyes trying to see the figure . But then hearing the foot steps come closer , she saw his face but that nick name . Only Darcy knew of it , not even his wife knew . Her hand that had the gun in it began to tremble terribly . And closing her eyes as she talked , she heard his voice . By the time she looked at him his arms were around her hugging her , her body and mind came back to reality and wrapped her arms around him . Resting her head on his shoulder , feeling how cold he was . When he pulled away and saw the crow , it was then she realized what was going on . The story only a handful in LA knew about it , and she was one of them . Her heart belonged to Darcy it always had . She smiled at the crow and knew his soul was in the crow , if the crow died he would die . A fate that was grime but that was the reality of it , hearing what he did she knew he had questions even before asking them . She sighed a little bit . Knowing someone was coming for her she did not have much time , walking up to the bird and very slowly and carefully reached for the crow as the bird nuzzled his head into her hand . It was her way of confirming , stroking the chest of the bird she looked back at her friend . Reaching out and touching his shoulder she got a jolt from the last moments of life in the flesh . How much pain he suffered seeing all that he saw , she smiled . " I believe there is a place where the restless souls wander . Burdened by the weight of their own sadness . They wait for a chance to set the wrong things right . Only then can they be reunited with the ones they love . Sometimes a crow shows them the way . Because s ometinmes love is stronger then death . This crow carries your soul Darcy , as long as the bird lives so will you . It is a story passed around a handful of people , only five people here know I was the first " Looking down a little bit her hand holding onto the pendent he gave her a couple months ago . " When you and Nat died a part of me died right along with you , I wanted to die . Father enjoyed telling me what he did , I know that and could see how much he liked seeing me in pain . You help keep me on my feet , to stay strong and believe to do what is right . I can 't lose you again , because of what little left inside me will die . Darcy watched as Eden reached for the bird , who flew into her hand . " Sure , you get along with her . " He grumbled as she stroked it , and saw her eyes widen slightly . It seemed she was getting some sort of impressions from it , and she smiled at him . A warm , welcoming smile , one she 'd always had , and one of the things he liked about her . " I believe there is a place where the restless souls wander . Burdened by the weight of their own sadness . They wait for a chance to set the wrong things right . Only then can they be reunited with the ones they love . Sometimes a crow shows them the way . Because sometimes love is stronger then death . This crow carries your soul Darcy , as long as the bird lives so will you . It is a story passed around a handful of people , only five people here know I was the first . " Darcy cocked his head in confusion . " Um . . . . " A bunch more questions had to flow out from that , but then he remembered why he was here , and looked around hesitantly ; the questions could wait . He watched as she kept talking , apparently having more to say , and his gaze fell to what had been his final gift to her . A pendant . " When you and Nat died a part of me died right along with you , I wanted to die . Father enjoyed telling me what he did , I know that and could see how much he liked seeing me in pain . You help keep me on my feet , to stay strong and believe to do what is right . I can 't lose you again , because of what little left inside me will die . " The words struck him , and he looked at her . " You know more about this then I do , Eden . I . . . hell , I was dead a short while ago . I don 't know why exactly this crow has brought me back , but while I 'm here , I promise I 'll stick with you . " He ran a white hand tenderly down her cheek ; she almost looked angelic , her long back hair always kept attractively , as he placed a hand lovingly on her shoulder . " We 're in this together now , Eden . " He said this without knowing how she felt , or how she would take this ; as far as he was concerned , she was the only friend he had left . " You 've got a car , right ? Come on , let 's . . . " He paused , hearing some noises from outside , ducking down involuntarily . " God , I hope that 's not trouble . . . " He looked at her , and then back out at the window to see if any clarification was forthcoming . Eden was still stunned he was alive and smiled when the crow seemed to hop onto her hand , but then she heard it what he did . She knew they had to get out of her , so she grabbed her wallet and keys . Hearing rustling outside she put her finger up to her mouth , she loaded her gun taking a few more clips and putting them in her pocket . Walking over to the door she placed her hand on it , a vision went across her . And saw four big guys kicking down her door , she slowly backed away and while being quite . She put on her Stereo so the guys after her had something to go on . Running to the fire escape she motioned with her head to follow her as she opened up the window and looked down seeing her car down below . Thank god for simple parking she though , so she slid down the stairs using her hands to slid down the rail and silently sighed . Walking to her car she unlocked it and got inside , looking in her mirror . She saw the goons and started her car , backing out quickly and took off quickly . She knew they would be followed so she had to do her best to get as far away as possible . " What did you do to this guy , you finally told your boss you had enough . I always saw your boss as a coward who would kill a blind man , something he should not be proud of . You need to put a bullet in his head , but unfortunately if the crow is with you and gets shot " She shook her head not wanting to believe it would happen to him . " What did you do to this guy , you finally told your boss you had enough . I always saw your boss as a coward who would kill a blind man , something he should not be proud of . You need to put a bullet in his head , but unfortunately if the crow is with you and gets shot " Eden shook her head , and Darcy looked down . " I told him to back the hell off . " He squeezed his eyes shut . " To leave me alone . And then he and his . . . . " A few tears fell out , and it didn 't even faze him that they were leaving dark streaks down his still whitened face . " . . . they . . . " The memories flashed through his mind again ; the pleasant evening , the gunshots , his wife 's screams , Lindsey 's taunt of him , and he clenched his hand into fists , trying to focus on the immediate future . His mourning would have to wait , right now , he was trying to keep his best friend from getting shot . " . . . okay . " He looked around . " I suppose we 've got to find somewhere safe to stay , don 't we . Any suggestions ? " The crow cawed in the backseat , and he turned to it . " Not you , wiseguy . " Anyone had the sixth sense if they opened themselves more , she did not know what was going on . But she did not like this , she knew he did something to his boss . But then when he said what he did , seeing the sorrow in his eyes . She was driving but her right hand she placed her hand on his and squeezed it with a lot of love . Showing she was there for him , it was harder to kill her then most people she knew . She said nothing for the longest time , but then hearing the bird make a sound . Something popped into her head " His cawing reminded me I have a house in the woods , its all private property . Dad doesn 't know I have it either , all under the raider which is actually hard since my father is what he is . But I know no one for a fact knows where it is , I have some clothing and things there already . We can just stop to a store on the way to the cabin and I can buy some things " She said looking over at him quickly , smiling happily as she had her friend back with her . But knew that so much pain was eating him up , It scared her to see him like this , like he was just ready to die and give up . Sighing sadly as she got flash backs , the same that he saw . Since she had contact with him , his heat beating but bitter and cold because of everything he had been through . But knew that once he took out who killed him and his wife , she knew that it was only a matter of time before he went back , but she had no idea just what was to happen . She did not know everything . " His cawing reminded me I have a house in the woods , its all private property . Dad doesn 't know I have it either , all under the raider which is actually hard since my father is what he is . But I know no one for a fact knows where it is , I have some clothing and things there already . We can just stop to a store on the way to the cabin and I can buy some things " " Okay . " He replied . " Sounds good . " Darcy had felt her hand on his , and wanted to keep it there ; her warmth felt good when he felt so cold , so uncaring , so dead . . . in more ways then one . Which is why he felt like he needed to take a moment to appreciate his friend . He looked at Eden as she drove , so focused and determined on the task in front of them , and he placed his hand over hers briefly on his . " Thank you . " He said softly , before pulling his hands away to fold them together on his lap as his voice took a more serious tone . " We can 't hide there forever , though . " He frowned . " We definitely need to regroup and figure out what our next move is . . . but I 'm done hiding from those bastards . " His voice got darker as he spoke , and Darcy took a moment to compose himself before talking again . " I 'd also like to know . . . anything and everything you do about whatever 's happening to me . " He caught another glimpse of himself in the mirror , and he still looked like some sort of gothic clown . " And why the hell I look like this . " Eden kept going and looking in the mirror making sure no one was following them , she replayed everything in her head over and over again . Frankly she was terrified about losing him again , thinking about the times they had him and his wife with her . She was like a surrogate mother , one she loved dearly . And she heard everything that she said , smiling when he placed his hand over her own . But when he pulled his hand away , she just grabbed on again . She had to keep touching him , to make sure she was not dreaming . " You are not the first to be the crow , I have lived in L . A all my life . And my mother told me the history behind the myth . There was a man much like you , his name was Eric Draven he and his fiance were gunned down by a crime boss . Then it was Ashe Corven , his son heard something behind his fathers garage and saw another crime family kill an innocent person . And in doing so Ashe and his sun were tied up and tossed in the river . " She said to him and was thinking of the other stories . " Then Jimmy Cuervo he got out of prison for beating someone to death because a kid was trying to rape a girl he liked . He and his girlfriend were both killed , this man named Crash wanted to become the devil himself so they had to kill Jimmy 's girlfriend , she was pure blooded Indian and they needed the eyes of a shaman to perform the spells . And the last crow Alex Corvis he was convicted of killing a woman he desperately loved but he was innocent . All these men ended up dying however . Ashe lost a girl who had my ability , able to see things by touch , she knew of her own death but did not know it was her at the time . And once the crow does the job he came back to do , they all will die to be with there loved ones . And it will be the same with you , to avenge your wife . And I will have to watch you go all over again . Something I am not to sure I can bear to see , because I love you to much . " She said pretty much admitting her love for him . She silently sighed and the make up . " Every crow has the make up , but every marking is different on every crow . On your face is the mark of the guardian . A person who comes back because of someone they know are in danger , you can take it off . But you actually look good in it , I can easily get you make up . Kinda like a super hero just more grim " She pulled over to get some supplies which took her all of five minutes , and headed for her cabin . Looking over at him for a moment , then turned to her eyes in front . It wasn 't as if he couldn 't hear what she was saying . The stories she told about the previous ' crows ' , and what had happened to them . . . it was starting to make sense . The ' what ' , anyways . Darcy had dabbled into this mystical , spiritual stuff before but the way Eden talked about it , the energy she showed . . . he 'd always known she was deep into it , but listening to her now it was clear he had no idea how deep . But it was tuned out by the physical sensations he was feeling when she refused to let go of him . It was almost a little uncomfortable for him , her reluctance to break contact . Even if it made sense with her last statement . He looked away . He loved her , too , but the way she said it , he knew that the love was different . He loved her like a sister , and she . . . she loved him for far more then that . She 'd also loved Nadine , too , which was why she had never said anything . Darcy had known that . But , looking at her now , silently as she drove , he had to wonder one thing . . . what if she had said something ? Would he have ever seen her as more then his best friend ? " Every crow has the make up , but every marking is different on every crow . On your face is the mark of the guardian . A person who comes back because of someone they know are in danger , you can take it off . But you actually look good in it , I can easily get you make up . Kinda like a super hero just more grim . " " A guardian , huh ? " The first words he 'd spoken in a while . " I don 't know . . . I 'd hate to over do it , but there 's something to be said for a first impression . " A Determined look passed his face . " The next time the boss and his goon see me , I want them to fear me . " A quick stop for supplies , the lingering silence on the drive before they pulled up to her cabin . Their base of operations for . . . well , at least the next night . The darkness echoed his soul , and Darcy slipped out . He hadn 't been here , so he could only think of one thing to say . " Looks . . . cozy . " He started to turn to her to say something , but the words couldn 't come , so he turned back to the door . " Lead on . " The crow was already perched on the roof , and briefly his mind flashed with what the crow was seeing ( him and Eden walking in ) , and he staggered with the image . " Whoa . " He blinked , looking up . " I saw what he saw , for a minute . . . " Eden sensed that he wasn 't comfortable with her touching his hand , so she did not put her hand back on his . Sighing softly she pulled into her garage and the door shut behind them , getting out she heard what he said and nodded . But first she had to make sure no one had been here but her , taking a deep breath pressing her hand against the door . As a flash of the houses memories flooded her mind , closing her eyes sometimes this gift was more of a burden . But right now she was just glad she had it . When she opened up her eyes , she looked at him and nodded . " I sensed you were uncomfortable with me touching you , I 'm sorry about that Darcy . It 's just that this feels like a dream , that if I look at you , then look at something and back at you that you will be gone . You and Nadine were all that I had . When my mother died I never thought I would ever smile again , you are family . My father is just a monster . And I am starting to think he is dirty , just by how he was telling me you and Nadine died . I could not or would not believe it , but when I got the flash back myself . It took my breath alone , I felt your pain , sorrow and hate . Though I did not see who the goons were or what they said , but seeing what I did was enough . Dad doesn 't know about my gift , I have it because I have the eyes of a shaman . My mother was Native American , so I can do and see things . My mother warned me to only tell my secret to the one I trust the most , and you I trust with my life . I paid for the funeral and I was the only one there . Which made me feel even more alone , I do not condemn you for what had happened in the past . I could see the kindness and good man you really were , a man who made mistakes but regretted it . It however did surprise me when you told me about what you were doing , yet you never told Nadine . But I always found pride in knowing what I knew , knowing that I knew you very well . The only affection I ever got was from you two . A Part of me died with you Darcy , now I am afraid of losing my good friend . " Walking over to the fireplace and knelt down as she put some logs in the fire and tossed in a match . Looking into the fire she saw the glow and felt the warmth , she closed her eyes playing the death in her head . She sighed he had to know as she looked into the fire never looking away for a moment . " You were always with me , no matter what . You gave me so much , because you were . . . with . You were always with me , that 's how I survived . When you die then I 'll be gone forever , as long as you go on living . I will continue to live in , that 's why I need you to live . " Darcy watched her as she spoke to him , telling him more about how she felt , about how they were the only friends she had . Part of him had wondered if Eden had isolated herself , but listening to her now , he could tell that she 'd been cut off from the world . When he 'd gotten married , even with as much as he and Nadine had accepted her , tried to love her , a part of him had felt that they 'd sold her short . If he 'd known how much she 'd hurt , how much she 'd loved both of them . . . he shook his head silently . She was a lovely woman , and Darcy hoped she hadn 't saved herself in the hopes that one day he 'd . . . down this path lay madness . He kept his eyes on her , he was sitting on the floor as she made her way towards the fireplace , putting logs in and a match . Darcy felt himself just letting her lead , as he was still struggling with the revelation of . . . well , being alive after being dead . Eden shut her eyes for a moment before turning to him . " You were always with me , no matter what . You gave me so much , because you were . . . with . You were always with me , that 's how I survived . When you die then I 'll be gone forever , as long as you go on living . I will continue to live in , that 's why I need you to live . " He sighed again . " Eden . . . . " He patted a spot on the floor next to him , wanting her to be close like a friend , even as he feared giving the wrong impression . He didn 't often use her full name , and he hoped that doing so would let her know that he wanted to be serious . " If what you 're saying about this ' crow ' thing is true . . . " A bitter smile came to his lips before disappearing as his dark eyes looked at her again . " . . . then it 's clear I was brought back to deal with them . " A hard look passed through him . " And not just the ones who got my wife . When I . . . when we 're through with them , they can 't be in a position to harm anyone , ever again . " As he thought things through , something between sadness and joy came to his eyes as he continued . " And then I get to be with my wife again . " Gently , he took her hand in his ; it was warm , much like the growing fire was , and he wanted to feel warm again . Even though he 'd been dead for less then 24 hours , it felt like a lifetime ago that he 'd ever had anything other then cold earth against his body . " How long , Eden ? " He couldn 't meet her eyes , seeing the conflicting emotions within them . " How long have you loved me for ? " He only looked at her briefly , to make sure she knew he wasn 't asking about Nadine , or about them as a couple . He had to know specifically about her feelings for him , which she 'd made fairly clear so far . Eden felt rather foolish about what she had said , part of her was just dying inside and knew he would leave her once his mission was over . And sighed a little bit , she just wanted to scream inside . And she shook her head a little bit , what was the point of him knowing all this . Perhaps in the long run she will die and finally know true peace , her father was a monster and knew he had to be stopped from someone , may god help her any way . But then when he called her by her first full name , something he only did when he was serious . She walked by him and got on the floor sitting beside him , she did not know how to look at him . And thought perhaps it would be easier to just show him , since he had the ability he did he would be able to see everything . Sighing a little she looked around the room thinking about the times up here she had , just to get away from the damn control of the man she called father . " What does it matter Darcy ? Once you complete your mission you will be able to go back to your wife , know true peace . So there is no point , I am sorry I even said anything . But there is so much you don 't know about me Darcy , I kept it hidden not because I don 't trust you . You and Nadine were the only two that I could talk to , but with what I Know I was always afraid it would end up hurting you . Just with how my father was to me " " And only way for you to understand is to see it " She placed her hand on his shoulder , and closed her eyes . Flashes of her childhood how her mother ended up dying , how Eden honestly tried to make friends but the only two that seemed to want to be her friend was Darcy and Nadine so she did try to get other friends , but she was rejected because of who her father was . Memories that would not flood him she made sure of that . Then even the conversations her father had with a shady character , about him doing anything to continue to be at his post . Showing Darcy how she thought her father was actually very dirty . But finally the beatings that her father gave her , the welts on her back scars on her body that showed abuse but kept herself hidden . Why else would she continue to be covered all the time . Even in hot summer months , she never wore flesh revealing things . Opening up her eyes she slowly stood up and sighed a little , she walked off a bit to the bag of groceries and stopped for a moment . " But if you insist on knowing , I have known you since I was thirteen years old . Watching you with Nadine and everything , I have been in love with you since I was sixteen years old and I am nineteen going on twenty now " She said simply and sighed sadly . And turned to look at him , feeling said but smiled . " I will help you get the revenge for you and Nadine I promise , so you can know peace " Looking away her back to him as tears fell down her face as she hid her face from his view . So he could not see how much that was killing her . She would do as she promised but to see him go again . She shook her head and growled at herself , she was being stupid and perhaps even a bit selfish and right now things had to change she knew . " What does it matter Darcy ? Once you complete your mission you will be able to go back to your wife , know true peace . So there is no point , I am sorry I even said anything . But there is so much you don 't know about me Darcy , I kept it hidden not because I don 't trust you . You and Nadine were the only two that I could talk to , but with what I Know I was always afraid it would end up hurting you . Just with how my father was to me . " " And only way for you to understand is to see it " Before he could react , he felt her hand on his shoulder , and many powerful , painful images went through his mind quickly . Eden 's many attempts to make inroads into her community , being shunned at every turn , often because of her painful past ; nobody wanted to comfort her . But more because of her father . Nadine 's caring for her , and what it meant that she accepted him as well as Darcy had , and in some ways , better . Her father , talking to men of disrepute ( some of whom Darcy had . . . dealt with at points in his life ) . Continuing to be the chief of police despite several challengers . Better people , he knew . It put him off , but it didn 't really make him angry . The world was unfair . But then he saw something that did make him angry . He saw him beating her , taking out some unseen frustration on his own daughter . In a way , Darcy felt her pain , and he cringed . He saw too much of it , and not enough , and a pulse of rage passed through him even as the connection finished between them . She sighed , getting up as he struggled to process everything he 'd just seen , but she acted as if it was nothing special , going through the groceries she 'd gotten . " But if you insist on knowing , I have known you since I was thirteen years old . Watching you with Nadine and everything , I have been in love with you since I was sixteen years old and I am nineteen going on twenty now " A said sigh escaped her as she continued . " I will help you get the revenge for you and Nadine I promise , so you can know peace " She turned away from him , and Darcy slowly rose from his place . She was his friend , had been for seven years , and to know she 'd loved him for four years . . . even after he 'd gotten married . . . he went over to her . " Ed . " He placed a hand on her shoulder , then trying to clasp her hand as she worked through their supplies . " I don 't know what 's happening to me . . . but I promise I 'll do whatever I can for you . " He squeezed her hand softly . " It 's what Nadine would have wanted . " And it 's what I want . Breaking their contact , he desperately wanted to move on to something a little less serious . " So , um , I don 't know what you got , but I 'm feeling like some food . . . I 'd be happy to make something for you . Um , us . " He smiled a little sheepishly , even as the crow took that moment to caw out . She knew that Darcy needed to see what she was able to show him , to show him she truly did try to make friends but no one wanted it . She felt alone and blind in a way , kinda like having the fear of a child being in a room that is only darkness . Trying to find your way out of the room , but Darcy and Nadine were her light . They made the dark room she had been in for years , and turned the light on . That was why she cared so much what happened . It felt like nothing mattered and right now it was something she was use to , thinking about her father made her beyond angry . She knew it was a sin to take someones life , she knew about Darcy 's life the crimes he did though never got caught . She sighed a little bit , she knew something she was able to keep away from Darcy and Nadine . Nadine did not know all sides of Darcy like she knew it . She was trusted with the information . " My father started to hit me when he wanted to find evidence to put you away in prison and for a life sentence . He knew I knew things about you , I never told him I knew much about you . But he found out some how , the beatings got more cruel at first he hated to hit me . But then I could tell after a while he grew to enjoy it , since no one could stop him . And again when you died he asked me what you got yourself into . I told him I would never betray the dead and would never betray those I love . I never understood why you told me everything but Nadine nothing about what you had done . But I honored your trust in me , and maybe I would tell my father . But it would be with his dying breath that I would tell him anything , so he could not destroy the memories I have . " Then she felt him taking her hand and she looked into his eyes , she smiled a little . Hearing what he said she smiled and nodded she took a deep breath and sighed softly , thinking about everything that she had seen lately . And hearing the cawing of the crow she smiled a little , she took some meat and did not know if the crow would react . But she held it flat on her hand offering it up to the black bird , she smiled a little bit . And she thought of something , though it just came out she just meant to think it not speak for all to hear . Will be the medicine to recover . " He fell silent . Darcy really had no idea what to do in order to heal Eden . To help her now , to avenge her - and Nadine - his thoughts were fairly clear cut in that area . But as he looked at her now , as they prepared their meal together in silence , he had a decision to make as to how he would help her now . Not tomorrow , and not if they were found here . But now . In this moment . To try to repair the damage that had been done to her , to free her from the weight of the abuse and the darkness that tainted her soul . Her beauty was more then just skin deep , even if now for the first time he was finally seeing her as more then just a friend . It had been only a few hours , but it was almost as if several years had passed since he had last seen her . They ate , with only occasional breaks for when he grabbed a drink for them , or if she added a log to the fire . But eventually , they finished , and Darcy rose up , quickly cleaning up before settling in front of the fireplace , simply staring at it for a bit before turning to her . Eden smiled as the crow took the meat and ate it , and dinner for them it was filling but simple . Something Nadine taught her , she was silent through everything unsure what stupid shit would come out of her mouth this time . She so felt out of place in the moment , but she was with her friend who was nothing but a ghost to those who knew about him . She feared the men would come here that 's why she figured they would have to leave tomorrow . Always one step ahead and if she got a vision she would be a miles away . When she saw him get up she moved to him , to do her dishes and feeling the warmth of the fire in the fireplace . She heard what he said and looked over her shoulder and smiled to him , brushing a strand of her hair out of her eyes . As she walked over to the fireplace and sat down on the floor beside him , grabbing the throw to put it around the two of them . Something they use to do , three of them would just snuggle up and relax . But now Nadine was gone and she just looked at the fire unsure what to say . She sensed something had changed in Darcy but she did not know what it was that changed , she just smiled a bit . Feeling how everything was coming together , her hands on her knees and she knew she did the right thing , not telling anyone about Darcy 's business . " I am the one that paid for your burial and Nadine 's , the head stones . I paid for it all , was the final way I knew how to show my love , what you two meant for me " She did not look at him , but a tear fell down her cheeks , a tear down the cheek he was faced to . This did bring up memories for him . Painful ones , if the truth were to be told . Not of Eden 's presence , but of Nadine 's , and how Eden would simply cuddle with them , like family . It was intimate , but comfortable , sharing each other 's warmth and space as if it were nothing . But he could see the pain in her eyes , and he sidled closer to her a she continued . " I am the one that paid for your burial and Nadine 's , the head stones . I paid for it all , was the final way I knew how to show my love , what you two meant for me . " He wasn 't sure what broke the final straw of resistance in him , but it was likely the solitary tear he saw down her cheek . Even as she had shielded him , comforted him , there was still a part of him that was hurting her . The part of him that didn 't ' feel for her like she did for him ; his love for her as a sister , his for him more then that of a brother . He moved behind her now ; a posture he had assumed before with her . Darcy met her gaze as his body brushed against hers , as innocent as before , yet with something different in it as he pulled her close to him . A way he 'd usually held Nadine , her substituted for her only for convenience , to keep warm in a cold place . He ran his hands up and down her arms ; her body was soft against his , even with as little of it as he 'd seen due to her bruises and scars . He couldn 't physically heal her , but as Darcy 's touch lingered near her neck , breathing into her hair behind her , he hoped that he could at least start to heal her spirit . Wordlessly , without prompting , his hands started to massage her shoulders , working the muscles and skin gently . " Let me know if I 'm hurting you . " He whispered as the crackling of the fire was the only sounds aside from their breathing . In the silence the only thing she could hear was the crackling of the fire , all to well she had wished so many things . She wished she could have done something more , so they did not have to die the way that they did . To be hurt like that , the vision she got from their place . It made her very scared that one day her father would beat her to death . The more he drank the more of a monster he became , all in all she wanted her father gone . Perhaps not dead but some place where he would leave people alone . She watched at the corner of her eye that he was moving , she had no idea what he was doing . But before she knew it she could feel his warm breath , it felt really nice . Closing her eyes so she could feel the closeness and also feel his warm breath , feeling his hands on her and began to massage her . She smiled " Mm feels nice " She said softly , with all the tense crap going on and everything else . She felt like she was on the edge and did not know if she would walk away or even jump . The warmth of his hands on her made her wish they had been together , sure it was rather selfish and would never tell him . Due to the fact he was married to her , her blue eyes looking forward into the fire . As he touched her memories of the past came to her , though none of the memories were bad . It freed her to see such things , helping her remember what she still had . Though it was not much . " I think the only way that anyone can be free from my father , he needs to be gone . And I don 't mean dead really , just off the force " " Mm feels nice . " The moment lingered as Darcy kept on her , slowly rubbing her shoulders and neck , careful to watch her to make sure he wasn 't hurting her . With as many marks as she had , he knew he 'd have to be gentle , but so far she 'd shown no signs of resistance . She did , however , want to continue . " I think the only way that anyone can be free from my father , he needs to be gone . And I don 't mean dead really , just off the force . " Darcy said nothing , letting his hands travel off of her shoulders and down her arms , the thought occurring to him now of how little he 'd seen of her body . She often wore arm gloves , and her shirts never showed any of her collarbone . Still , he tried to ease the pain , encircling her arms and rubbing them slowly . " What if that isn 't enough , Eden ? " He was whispering but he kept something of a distance ; if she 'd been Nadine . . . . " What if he still hurts you ? " The memories of what he 'd done to her lingered and he couldn 't stand the thought of her suffering more . Not for him , and not for anyone . " I 'm not sure we can take that chance . " I 'm not sure I can take that chance . " We 'll deal with it when the time comes , though . " Right now , with the first . . . only ? . . . moment of peace and quiet he 'd had in a while , he wanted to enjoy it , the feel of the fire against his body . . . okay , the feel of her as he snuggled in just a bit closer ; she was taking most of the fire . Darcy was unsure as to what to say , and asked the first thing that came to mind . Which wasn 't the greatest of questions . " So . . . Eden . . . how come you 've never found anyone ? " Right after he said it , he wished he hadn 't , even as his hands kept working down her arms , now at her elbows as she answered him . Eden enjoyed the way he touched her , made her feel much better about herself . Thinking she was good enough for someone else , but all in due time things would happen . She was not afraid what but something had to happen . Sighing sadly as she looked down , closing her eyes and heard what he said . Her blue grey eyes just looking into the fire . Wondering if perhaps he would kill him , though she did not tell so he had a choice in it . She did not know if she could ever ask him to do that , take her father out . She did know something had to be done , or she would not see another birthday . But then the question came , about how she never found anything . Looking down she closed her eyes and just wanted to scream sometimes . " Some because of my father , dad loves to torture me emotionally . Scaring away the people that met my father , dad would threaten them and probably even kill them . And dad thought if I was with a guy I would lose my virginity , he was one for tradition . No sex before marriage , though I never saw the point in it . I would give myself to someone who deserved it . And also a bigger part is because when people find out my , gift , my curse . It scares people away , yet you told me to embrace my abilities . And I did starting to not care about other people , and frankly I just gave up trying . I figured I would live alone and I would die alone , where no one would find me . If dad loves me he has a funny way of showing it , but I found my guy he just happened to be married " She chuckled a little talking about him , and just breathed in the smell of burning wood , enjoying it . " Some because of my father , dad loves to torture me emotionally . Scaring away the people that met my father , dad would threaten them and probably even kill them . And dad thought if I was with a guy I would lose my virginity , he was one for tradition . No sex before marriage , though I never saw the point in it . I would give myself to someone who deserved it . And also a bigger part is because when people find out my , gift , my curse . It scares people away , yet you told me to embrace my abilities . And I did starting to not care about other people , and frankly I just gave up trying . I figured I would live alone and I would die alone , where no one would find me . If dad loves me he has a funny way of showing it , but I found my guy he just happened to be married . " Darcy struggled with her words , and how to process them . He was fighting the dual instincts of wanting to preserve his love for Nadine and how to deal with the increasing amount of emotion he was feeling for Eden , for the other woman who had loved him . The knowledge that he would , at some point , be returning to the afterlife dulled it just a little , but even as he tried to ponder that , another point t came to him . Nadine is my wife , and I love her . . . . if I want to love Eden , is that wrong ? How can I do it knowing that , no matter how much I show it , that she 'll always be . . . second to Nadine ? And a voice came to him then . She will not be second to me . Just . . . different . Whether it was his own mind saying it , or the ghost of Nadine . And still , he hesitated , his hands now lingering over her hands , intertwining them with hers as they sat in front of the fire . " Eden . . . could you accept the love of someone when their heart belongs to someone else ? " Even as he didn 't specifically refer to himself , it was abundantly clear who he was talking to . Eden heard again the sound of the crackling of the fire and silently sighed . But looking down at her hands , seeing his fingers intertwined with her own . It grew silent for a moment and everything seemed to stop for her . But right now she heard the question , could she accept love from someone who 's heart belonged to someone else . It was a question that struck her , and it was a rather good question . In that moment everything went silent , and her heart beating was what she heard . Sighing silently . As she spoke . " One may have your heart , but the other has your spirit . Through good times and bad you have been what I needed . Hearing your voice , enchanting and true . We are two sided and mysterious , its true . Poem she just made up on the spot may have sounded rather stupid , if she had a day she could probably come up with something better . Smiling a little hoping he found the answer in it , it was her way of saying yes to his question . Though she did not exactly come out and say it , sighing a little as she leaned against him . She had no idea what was going to happen , she felt like she was betraying Nadine if something was to happen between them . But love could master two people , in time . He knew the roles . Darcy was the bird , the one brought back from the dead by this mysterious crow . And she was the guardian , both of his spirit , and possibly the bird who had taken a liking to her . Although it kept mysteriously silent now , choosing a good time to give them some peace and quiet . As much as the crow had seemed to be pushing his buttons , Darcy was getting a pretty good idea of how sentient it really was . The rational part of him knew it was probably too soon . It wasn 't every day that someone got raised from the dead by a bird , rescue their best friend , and then hide out with them in an isolated cabin . Darcy didn 't know if he 'd follow the rational advice yet . The fireplace was so relaxing . . . and Eden was so warm against him . She was melting into his touch , what little of it he 'd given so far , as he ran his hands up her covered arms again . " Close your eyes , Eden . " He leaned into her ear , brushing her hair aside so she could hear him . " Make a wish in your head . " It seemed like his hands weren 't his own , as he saw her close her eyes . And as they moved of their own volition , his fingers undoing the top button on her blouse . Whatever happened tonight , Darcy wanted to see her scars , to see how much she 'd suffered for him , hoping that he could heal them spiritually , if not physically . |
Romance writer and cat lover , Bailey Stewart also mentioned Miss Mousie and our fundraising endeavor on her blog , Long and Writing Road . Bailey tells a touching , bittersweet tale about how she knows what it 's like to have a cat , in her case the beloved Devlin , who needs expensive medical treatment . You can read her post titled For the Love of a Cat by clicking here . Cat 's name : Kinko Sex : Female Age : 17 How long have you had the cat ? : Since she was a kitten . Where did you get the cat ? : Private home . The lady put seven kittens down in front of us and this white calico with the black tail walked straight toward Elmer and me , then sat down to check us over She 'd picked us out , so of course we had to take her home . Interesting quirks ? Kinko 's not really fond of anyone except us - - Elmer and me . She 's learned to be a great traveler in her cat carrier because we always took her when we went places . She 's been everywhere . But she always wanted to be safely in the carrier , never outside it when in the car . How does he or she like being a writer 's cat ? She curls up in an adjacent chair so she can keep an eye on me , making a remark now and then so I know she 's still there . She isn 't interested in in what I 'm doing , just wants to be close by . Has he / she ever been in one of your books ? : Not her , but I do put cats in my books . Anything you else you might want to say about your cat or your cat about you ? Both Elmer and I have been cat people from the get - go . I got my first cat , a black and white tom , when I was four . My father , a Conservation Officer at the time , picked him up in the woods as a half - starved kitten who 'd tried to climb up his pants leg , named him Merriweather , because that was the name of the town he was near and brought him home to me . Merriweather grew up , spent nights out tom - catting around and come home tired out . I 'd put a doll bonnet on him and wheel him around the house in my doll buggy . He 'd sleep soundly all the while . I loved him dearly and I 've never been without a cat since . And the first story I ever wrote at seven was about Merriweather . Elmer grew up on a farm where there were cats in the barn to keep down the mice . His mother would let the kids in the family bring kittens in the house to play with , but they always were banished back to the barn at night . Note : Kinko survived surgery for a cancer on her eyelid three years ago . The vet told us white - faced cats tend to get this from lying in the sun . He removed it without her losing the eye and , yes , it was malignant , but not the kind that metastasizes , thank heaven . He calls her his miracle cat . Other cats : The only really vocal cats I 've had in my eighty - six years were Siamese . I loved how they 'd talk to me . They were smart as well . I had a big tom named Zorro who once , when we went from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to California for Christmas , we had shut in the basement where his sandbox and food were . We had a neighbor check on him and give him more food while we were gone . Well , every time the neighbor came in , Zorro would happily greet him at the door as he entered the house . He couldn 't figure this out because he shut him back into the basement every time he left . Once day he pretended he was leaving and snuck back in to stay and watch , Pretty soon he noticed the doorknob of the basement door jiggling . Then it started turning , the door opened and out Zorro came . Checking inside the basement door , he noticed a small shelf with nothing on it right beside the doorknob on the stair landing . Ah , problem solved . Zorro had gotten onto the shelf and learned to paw at the doorknob until it finally opened and out he came . With the door ajar he was free to use the sandbox or eat whenever he felt like it . Then there was my female Siamese we finally named Kitty because the kids couldn 't agree on a name . After I was divorced and living alone with the kids , who were in school , Kitty decided it was time to have her kittens . They would be Siamese , I knew , because when she went into heat a male Siamese appeared out of nowhere and mated with her before leaving . I was headed out the door , but she followed me , obviously in the throes of birth . So I walked back to her birth box and sat on the floor . She got back in . I thought maybe after she had one kitten she 'd be content to stay there while the rest were born . No such luck . The first kitten was born and she cleaned him up . By then another was being born , a much smaller one than the first , so I figured it had to be the runt . Well , she wouldn 't clean this kitten up no matter how many times I put it under her nose . Three more were born and cleaned up . When I finally again put the poor little runt under her nose after she was through with the others , she finally cleaned him up . Then I gently put him where he could reach a free nipple . He found it and began to suck . After than Kitty accepted him as part of her brood . He turned out to be a feisty little thing despite having the sniffles , a crook in his tail and crossed - eyes - - all common afflictions in Siamese . I wondered later if somehow Kitty knew he was defective . Still , as they grew older , though smaller , he held his own against the tumble mock fights with all his brothers . Yes , they were all males - - not uncommon with Siamese litters . When the time came to give them away , I decided to sell them for a dollar each , which would pay for the ad in the paper . All but the runt were snapped up quickly . I had decided I 'd have to keep him , when a woman called me and said she 'd been away and she 'd just seen the ad in an old paper . Her daughter had been begging for a Siamese kitten , but all they 'd seen had been too expensive . I told her about his defects , saying that 's why he was left over . She said it didn 't matter . Whe " It 's like he was saved for us , " she said . Hi from Down Under . I 'm Isabelle and I 'm a blue British Shorthair . Back in the day I was a prize - winning champion for my beautiful features but turned out I had dud kittens and so my breeder took me to the vets to be euthanized ( the life of a breeding cat is kinda miserable ) . Lucky for me the vet was the sister of romance author Nikki Logan and she offered to use the fee to re - home me rather than put me to sleep . Within twenty - four hours I was sterilised and recovering at my new home with Nikki . You can probably tell from these pictures what my favourite things are - tummy rubs ( the only time my fur is ever shamelessly out of place ) and sleeping . If it 's cold enough I even sleep right on my face . I also love food and snuggles . A lot . Dogs , not so much . We have two of them here and they 're like unruly teenagers . Fortunately one swipe of my paw is all it takes to keep them in line . When no - one 's looking I even snuggle up with them but if you repeat that I 'll deny it . Why is it that humans can 't leave well enough alone ? We could all live long and happy lives if they 'd act more like cats . Hello , my name is Miss Marple , and I dominate a woman named Tricia Miles . She has provided me with everything a cat needs . A lovely home , a purpose and a place to work everyday , and sees to all my worldly needs : food , toys , catnip . But recently when she goes out , she often comes homes smelling of DOG . One dog in particular . An incredibly self - satisfied bichon frise named ( of all things ) Sarge . Perhaps he is aptly named , though , as he tends to come charging into a room barking orders like a drill sergeant . Sarge This DOG keeps arriving in our store , usually in a big pink purse being carried by Tricia 's sister . She 's okay , I suppose . She no longer calls me " that cat " or " that animal , " and she now pets me and has even kissed me once or twice . I will allow this . But that DOG , never ! At least Tricia doesn 't let her bring that DOG into our home . Just recently that DOG got Tricia into a lot of trouble . Not once , not twice , but three times ! It started in April when she was about to abandon me for an overnight stay at a lovely local inn called Sheer Comfort . That DOG had to go and do his , er , business , and Tricia was forced to be his enabler . And what did that DOG find while sniffing around the inn 's backyard ? A body ! That got Tricia into all kinds of trouble with all kinds of people . Especially when Tricia had plenty to do around the shop , including hiring a replacement for our beloved Ginny , who always fed me kitty treats when Tricia 's back was turned . I hope Tricia can find someone new who will give me even more cat cookies . I think she 's close to hiring someone who is owned by two cats ! We 'll see . In the meantime , I must keep watch from my perch behind the register . Up there I 'm safe from that DOG . I hope you 'll come and visit Tricia and me in the latest Booktown Mystery , MURDER ON THE HALF SHELF . I never owned a pet when I was growing up . As a military family , we were constantly moving , and my parents never wanted the hassle of an animal . My brother also had allergies , so it wasn 't an option . Whenever I visited people who owned dogs and cats , I enjoyed the animals , but I never really " got it " as to why people were so upset when their pet passed away . I was sad for them , but I thought these were animals , not people , right ? Fast - forward to last year . We were inundated with moles , voles , and bunnies who were determined to eat and destroy our yard plants . Humane traps didn 't work . Chasing them off was ineffective . Putting down grub preventers did nothing to stop the voles from chewing through all of my roses . I 'd had enough . I decided that we needed a cat - hopefully one who would chase off the bunnies and deter any rodents from setting up camp in our backyard . My husband initially tried to put me off it , explaining that pets were a big decision ( he 'd grown up with dogs and a cat ) . This wasn 't something we could just pick up at the shelter . It would change our lifestyles , since we couldn 't simply travel on the weekends without arranging for pet care . I was still determined to get a cat . When I first visited the SPCA , I found a personable , sweet cat who was three years old . I liked him immediately and asked my husband to come and see him the next day . When he agreed , we arrived at the shelter and the cat I 'd chosen had already been adopted . Instead , there was a new tabby cat named Fitch , who was almost two years old . He wasn 't in his cage but was busy walking around the shelter , curious about everyone and everything . He walked right up to me and nudged me with his head , as if he 'd already selected me to be his owner . I felt a bit awkward , since I knew nothing about cats , but when I petted him , he began purring and ribboning around my legs . He was an absolute sweetheart and we brought him home that day . Fitch has lived with us for seven months now , and I can 't imagine life without him . When I 'm writing , he 'll come and snuggle at my feet or he 'll meow at the door when he wants to go play outside . He loves the freedom to explore our yard , and the bunny / vole / mole population has definitely decreased ! ( thankfully he hasn 't brought me any " presents " yet . ) My husband was right . Owning a pet is life - changing . Fitch keeps me company when the children are at school , and he makes me laugh when he crawls into a brown paper bag to hide . If he 's away for too long , I worry about him , and I 'm always glad when he returns home . He 's not just an animal - he 's a member of our family . And I 'm hoping to keep him for many , many more years . Help Miss Mousie went live today . The PayPal donation buttons were installed , and we have a few Authors & Their Cats posts for you to peruse . We have more posts to upload and will continue to add to those as we hear from more authors . Last year I read an article in the New York Times that changed my life . It was about city dwellers who constructed " catios , " safe places for their cats to enjoy the outdoors . Basically they were decks or patios enclosed with mesh or screen where cats could safely take the air . Ozzie looking out the " catio " door I thought it was a great idea and decided to try it . Cautiously starting with a test run , I bought one of those ten - foot - square pavilion tents with fabric screens . I set it up on the patio outside the sliding glass door to the walk - out basement and used bricks to hold the screen sides down . I positioned it directly against the house so that cats and I could walk right out into the tent . The two adventurous cats , Ozzie and Beevel , followed me out immediately . Ozzie is a female rescued part - Maine - Coon . Beevel is an Abyssinian , the daughter of two grand champions but not quite show quality . The scaredy - cat , Harriet ( Ozzie 's daughter ) , ran screaming from the strange new contraption . I brought her out and held her in my lap . She was doing okay until a gust of wind blew the top of the tent around . In response , she promptly peed in my lap . The four of us are sitting on our catio porch now . It has turned out to be a high point in the cats ' lives and also a wonderful place for me to sit and write , outside with no bugs and pretty scenery . I have always loved gardening , and the catio plans included some garden modifications . A friend helped me construct a fishpond with a waterfall . ( No , I do not let the cats go fishing . ) As I sit here with the cats , I 'm listening to the sound of running water and looking up from time to time at the greenery around me . Hello ! I 'm Miss Mousie . Do you like my blog ? I do . I know some people worked very hard on it . And it 's a good thing . I need your help so they don 't send me some place I 'm not ready to go . There might be a rainbow there , but so what ? I like it where I am . And I 'll let you in on a little secret . I arrived here just in time in February . The truth is . . . my family needs me ! Without me , they would never wake up . Well , occasionally that dog will bark or mommy will wake up automatically because she has a book due , but if not , morning wake up is left to me . I 'm always on the job and have them up and about before that annoying sound box of last resort goes off . Can you believe none of the other cats had even thought of doing this before I arrived ? Now they reap the benefits of my brilliance . But that also puts pressure on me . I can 't let them down . Starvation is not pretty . I think mommy likes my head butting and loud purring , too , because usually I ignore her . I knew I 'd won her heart over the minute she saw me in the cat house so there 's no need for me to turn into that dog ( named Chaos and she lives up to her name let me tell you ) who just fawns and stares up at her in pure adoration . Mommy , aka the servant , puts two different kinds of icky drops in my ears each day . You 'd ignore her , too , if you were me . Deadline time is one of my favorites because she sits and types for hours . I can nap against her and know she 's not going to move . It 's almost like she 's a cat because daddy brings her food and rubs her feet . I 'm still trying to figure out what I must do to get the same treatment . Though I 'd much rather have under my chin scratched . This is how we nap while mommy works Between you and me , they are severely troubled . We 're talking really messed up in need of a animal behaviorist if not for my intervention . Yoda , who turned three at the beginning of August , actually thinks he 's a Ninja Cat . Mommy has encouraged his foolish behavior , allowing him to post on her blog . It really has to end . Cats might be two opposable thumbs away from world domination , but we are not Ninja . We are better than Ninja ! I 'm teaching Beauty how to help mommy And don 't even get me started on Beauty , the baby of the family , who still wears a bell on her collar . As if she 's going to get lost at her size . She turned one two weeks ago and everyone dotes on her . Yoda thinks she some sort of princess he must protect . That is when he 's not trying to attack her to work on his Ninja fighting skills . Beauty needs me to show her how to be a real cat , to know when to purr and when to act aloof and when to kick Yoda out of the Master Bedroom , because right now Beauty allows herself to be wheeled around in a doll stroller . Worse , she likes it . Young ones these days . . . We received the donation information for Miss Mousie 's PayPal account this morning ! You can now donate to her account . We will be bringing posts live later today ! Thanks ! Of all the cats I have had , Sakhmet was the most memorable . Some backstory - sometimes back in the 1940s someone had dumped a pair of Siamese out in the country behind my grandparents ' barn . They had stayed and interbred until over the generations a recessive gene had become dominant , resulting in a tribe of pure - black Siamese . I had just moved into my own place and was determined to have a cat , so - with a little cunning , a lot of luck and a great deal of smelly cat food - I captured a tiny little black kitten . I didn 't know what I was getting . Born feral , she never really domesticated . We lived in an uneasy truce for the next 20 years . I named her Sakhmet after the unpredictable lion - headed Egyptian goddess , and the name fit her to a T . Sakhmet could easily have been the last living saber - tooth ! Her vet , who both respected and feared her , said that she had all the Siamese traits - small feet , a heart - shaped face , a voice that sounded like a baby being skinned - but she was completely black ( and never got a gray hair ! ) with enormous eyes that went from green ( happy ) to gold ( better leave until she calms down ) . Sakhmet hated people . I was tolerated because I was the bringer of food , but whenever visitors came to my apartment she vanished . People I had known for years swore up and down I didn 't have a cat , that I merely went outside , gathered tufts of hair from the bushes and rubbed them on the carpet so that people would think I had a cat ! Sakhmet was also the most intelligent creature ( including some of the two - legged ones I dated ) I 've ever seen . She could turn lights on and off , loved to answer the telephone and could open any door in the place . I had to keep the front and back outside doors key - deadbolted just to be sure . This was during the heyday of the dinner theatre , when you could have a buffet dinner and then see a play with some of the older luminaries of Hollywood . I was an actress then and was delighted to be cast in UNDER PAPA ' S PICTURE , a piece of froth starring the late great Eve Arden . There are several blogs worth of stories from that play 's six - week run , but I 'm going to tell only one . The play ran over the Christmas holidays , so I decided I would have a great big party for the cast . The party was a success , until someone asked where Miss Arden was . Well , I had seen her and her husband Brooks West arrive , and he was in the living room talking to someone , but there was no sign of Miss Arden . I went looking . It was not that big a place , so I soon found her , and my heart almost stopped . She was in my bedroom , lying flat on the floor and scrunched about three - quarters of the way under my bed , cooing to Sakhmet , who was doubtless as far into the corner as she could get . I thought I might die . Not only was Eve Arden ( Our Miss Brooks ! ) under my bed , she was under there not only with a half - wild cat who hated everyone but a generous herd of killer dustbunnies as well ! It all worked out all right . She just got one clawing from Sakhmet , and it only took a minute or two to detach most of the dustbunnies , but for the rest of the play she talked again and again about meeting the legendary Sakhmet . She never mentioned the dustbunnies . Thank goodness . Once when I had to take a trip I frankly blackmailed a police officer friend of mine into taking care of her at his house . He was a patrolman , over 6 ft tall and very fit , but he was no match for Sakhmet . I came home to find her back in my apartment , with a shredded pillowcase and a tray of food and water just barely beyond the swing of the front door . She had lasted exactly two days at his place before terrorizing his family so much that he gave in and brought her back . For the remaining three weeks of my trip he drove almost ten miles each way every day to feed and water her . One Thanksgiving I came to stay with my widowed mother . I brought Sakhmet because the weather was deteriorating . We ended up being snowed in for a number of days . Before it was over the war between Mother and Sakhmet made me think seriously of abandoning the two of them and hiking back to my apartment through the snow . It was only four miles … Sakhmet liked to lie on shiny , slick fabric . In the den Mother had two antique chairs that were covered in a glorious satin . Sakhmet loved them . Mother was afraid she would have an ' accident ' on them . Mother covered the chairs with towels , but the next morning the towels had been scraped off onto the floor and Sakhmet was spread in luxurious abandon over the satin . The next night Mother tried pillows . The next morning they were on the floor . The next night Mother gave up and moved both chairs into the living room and shut the door . The den was carpeted in a beige shag ( this was a number of years ago ) and there were definite impressions of each chair 's four legs . In the morning - as neatly as if it had been plotted with a ruler - in the middle of each chair 's impressions was a small , brown gift . Mother said she had been right , that Sakhmet had had an accident . I said no , that was no accident , it was a deliberate ! The next day the snow melted - thank you , God ! - and Sakhmet and I went home . Though she was sometimes difficult and often downright weird , Sakhmet was also a loving companion . She would lie on my desk while I wrote and slept every night in the small of my back . She was a big part of my life . Sakhmet lived for 21 years . Toward the end she was very frail and ill , and I was so selfish I could not bring myself to do the right thing and have her put to sleep . She took the decision out of my hands . I had to be out of town , so Mother - unwilling to have Sakhmet in her home again , though this was many years later - drove the 4 miles to my apartment every day to feed her . Sakhmet waited until I was out of town to die . Mother buried her in the most beautiful part of her back garden and put flowers in her grave . I 'll never forget the feeling of coming home to that empty , empty apartment . I 've had many other cats since Sakhmet 's passing , but none have equaled her in intelligence or personality . Or temperament . Unfortunately , all my pictures of her perished in the disaster of a flood caused by a burst pipe , so all I have of her is memories . Sleep well , my dear old friend . I still miss you . I believe sincerely that our animals are little angel spirits , come to Earth to make our lives happier and help us through difficult times . I have the joy and comfort of two Angel cats . This is how they came to be ours and why I believe they 're little angels . At the end of my kids ' second and fifth - grade years , we met a new family whose kids would be attending our kids ' school . The mom , Laura 's , son was a year younger than mine , her daughter a year younger than my daughter . Over the years , the kids ended up on the same swim team , soccer team , basketball team , too . We carpooled to all and became quite close . Three years later , school had just started again , her kids in fifth and eighth grades , and she was feeling great . Her stem cell transplant had been declared a success . Her hair was coming back in , her coloring good . She 'd even regained a bit of weight . When we got to their house , we found out Laura had been in that ambulance with no pulse , no respiration . She 'd collapsed in the front yard . I had her daughter in my van . It didn 't make any sense . You don 't literally drop dead from cancer . All the doctors could say was that she 'd had a lot of high - dose chemo , and it could be really hard on people 's hearts . Two other things happened that week that some people might say were coincidences , but I really don 't believe in coincidences . I believe things happen for a reason . I have faith that things work out as they 're supposed to . But the cat was going to be a mother , and I knew two kids who were in the middle of losing their mother . Life was crazy , scary and stressful . I took the path of least resistance and fed the cat , and I know what people say happens when you fed a stray cat . It becomes yours . The second thing was that I was finishing a book , due in eight days . And I 'm not saying a deadline was important in that moment . It 's just that the book happened to be about four adult children trying to come to terms with the death of their mother from cancer . The mom dies in the first chapter . I remember saying , " Really , God ? I 'm supposed to find something to say in this book to help make sense of the loss of these kids ' mother ? Because I don 't have anything to say that makes sense about this . " There was a third thing that happened , so unexpected and so bad , that if I put it in a story , people would swear I was being melodramatic . A week or two later - - I honestly don 't remember exactly when , it was such a horrible time - a little girl , in fifth or sixth grade , on our girls ' soccer team died . A bicycle accident . When I 'm writing , each day is an adventure of finding out what my characters are going to say and do next . My life , on the other hand , I like to keep on an even keel . The unexpected happens but still in an " ordinary " way . As we get older , our lives become filled with anniversary dates . I try to find positive ways to deal with those anniversary dates and holidays and when I miss someone I love . June has one of those anniversary dates for me - - my parents ' anniversary . When I was growing up , I always had a cat . My mom cuddled them . My dad tolerated them . But he knew how much I loved each one we befriended over the years . So when I got married , it was natural to have a cat or two . We have two now who are eleven years old . We hadn 't expected to bring any more into our lifestyle . After all , don 't we all know our place ? Aren 't our lives settled the way they are ? As my parents ' anniversary date approached , I was busy with a book deadline and thinking maybe this year , I would take a walk and get on with my day . But . . . My husband was gardening . When he came in for lunch , he told me he 'd heard a baby kitten in a small gnarled weeping redbud tree by our patio . When I went outside , he found her and it was love at first sight . She was tiny , scared , dehydrated and hungry . After we fed her mashed - up cat food with water , she cuddled right up with me and fell asleep in my arms . I held her most of the day , feeding her little bits often . After my husband drove to the store to buy kitten food , I asked , " Do you know what today is ? " And he did . We were keeping her . Almost two weeks after losing my Tojo , my orange multi - toed boy and companion of 18 years , I saw a picture of an orange male cat at the local shelter . . . and he had two huge front feet . He was it - I had another orange boy . In keeping with tradition I gave him another " toe " name , and he became Kato . Kato came home with me at two years of age . He had been a full male and neutered only two weeks before , so he had attitude built right in . I am his property , as the food and pet dispensary ; and he is also the boss of the two other cats I adopted at the same time . He has a right to eat everyone 's food ( in his mind ) , he can lie anywhere he wants ( others are required to move if they occupy his preferred spot ) , and he only speaks when he has something to say - and he usually doesn 't have to say anything . My name is Kato . At least , that 's the noise She makes when she sees me . This house is mine . The couch is mine . The porch is mine . The bed is mine . The big soft chairs are mine . And the food is mine . My only issue is the food , since She has to be maneuvered into giving it to me . But it pretty much works out okay . Let me tell you , I had to train her . It took me a little while , but she 's okay now . She didn 't understand that I 'd lived two years in the street and had my own methods . I am a MAN cat , unlike those other two boys she brought home . I don 't mind them at all , though , because they know who 's boss . Life is pretty good now . I spend a lot of time basking in the sun and generally overseeing my domain . Oh , and since you ask - - I do help her to poke those funny things on what she calls a keyboard . But mostly I am just nearby supervising . It 's a good thing I am around . Posted by I am an aristocat , a well - bred specimen of the noble Abyssinian breed , with all the beauty , arrogance , and noblesse oblige that befits my position . Presently , I live in Coronado , California with a reasonably dutiful Can - Opener who attends all my needs , if not all my desires . To be candid , I will never pardon her for the Unfortunate Neutering Incident . But so not think I fail to earn my keep ( although I shouldn 't be compelled to do so ) . The C - O writes stories that become books that people like , and I add lustre to her career by hosting her website and blogging at StoryBroads . If she pleases me , I may learn to Tweet . I do wish she 'd write more stories about cats , however . Some appear in her books , but it is not a sufficiency . I was excited when she produced the Golden Leopard , Heart of the Tiger , and The Silver Lion . At last , cats are the stars of the story ! But nooo . They play a symbolic role , helping delineate the natures of the characters . Housecats play a part as well , and two of them save two of the humans . Later , in a different book , their kittens help bring two lovers together . I hope many kind humans will band together to save Miss Mousie . I shall certainly do my own part , as will my C - O . For now , it is my naptime . Au revoir , mais amis . This is Foxy . Although now deceased , she owned me for twenty years . Found her at the ASPCA when I went in just on a whim , with no intention of actually leaving with an animal . As I looked around , she began " talking " to me , and held her paw out for me to shake hands . She instantly licked my hand when I touched her paw . I asked one of the workers if they 'd let me hold her . Once the crate opened up , she literally leapt into my arms . She instantly began nuzzling my neck , and licked me , making me giggle . There was no way she was letting go . She 'd found her slave , and she was holding on to me for life . The vet estimated she was about six months old when I adopted her , and she was well over twenty years when she gave me the " I 'm ready " look that broke my heart . A long - haired calico , she became Foxy because her tail was so fluffy , and she had fox - like ears . And she was also wily as a fox , too . She knew exactly how to bend me to her will . I made a ton of tuna salad over those years because she loved lapping up the tuna juice and bits . Obviously , the sound of the can opener had her galloping to the kitchen from any corner of the house . She was the greatest kitty , right to the end . She put up with the dogs , often cleaning their eyes without complaint when they 'd nose her to do so . But as you can see , this was her favorite nap spot , as the sun warmed her and she could watch all of the birds flying around outside of the window . It 's been a few years , but she 's forever in my heart . Meet Phantom , the proud owner of Anne Stuart . . . I wandered onto the property of my pet , Anne , one fall afternoon . Foolish girl , she had an excitable dog and another cat at the time , and I was going to poke around and then move on when the daughter of the house appeared with cheese . I cannot resist cheese . So I allowed them to lure me in and what do you think the first thing they did was ? I do like to sleep on her stomach at night . I just curl right up and go to sleep , and fortunately she 's learned to sleep that way as well . I 'll settle for Richie if she 's away on a trip , but I do prefer her . She 's softer . I 'm not sure I 'm crazy about the name they gave me . When I 'd slip around outside they called me " The Gray Ghost , " which had a certain amount of dignity to it , and then they changed it to Phantom as a temporary moniker . Unfortunately they took one look at my face , which , as you may notice , has one side dark and one light , and decided Phantom would remain , since Anne 's sentimental and loves Phantom of the Opera . I forgive them , though , because they adore me , feed me Fancy Feast and never put me off their laps . When I 'm sitting on Anne ( or occasionally Richie ) they make the other one go and open the door so I 'll get up on my own . But they do know how fond I am of open doors . I 've never met one I haven 't adored . I can walk in the front door and go straight out the back if it 's open , which confuses Richie . Anne simply says " he 's a peripatetic kitty " and I thank God she didn 't name me that . She received a new medicine for her ears today . She doesn 't like it much but her vet thinks it will help with the swelling . Otherwise , she 's doing well . She has two more antibiotic pills to take and will continue with her daily ear drops . The best part is she 's back to acting like herself . She 's eating and climbing the cat tree to her fave spot and sleeping next to her daddy ! She 'd stopped doing these things a little over two weeks ago so we are thrilled to have her behavior back to normal ! Miss Mousie is a senior ( no - longer a foster ) cat from the West Columbia Gorge Humane Society in Washington who needed TECA ( Total Ear Canal Ablation ) surgery that was estimated to cost an estimated $ 5000 . We managed to find another clinic who would do it for under $ 4000 ! Her romance author mom enlisted the help of cat loving writers to help Miss Mousie and raised the necessary funds for the surgery in 2012 . Be sure to check out the Authors & Their Cats posts . Links below ! And her foster family has since become Miss Mousie 's forever family . Donate |
Romance writer and cat lover , Bailey Stewart also mentioned Miss Mousie and our fundraising endeavor on her blog , Long and Writing Road . Bailey tells a touching , bittersweet tale about how she knows what it 's like to have a cat , in her case the beloved Devlin , who needs expensive medical treatment . You can read her post titled For the Love of a Cat by clicking here . Cat 's name : Kinko Sex : Female Age : 17 How long have you had the cat ? : Since she was a kitten . Where did you get the cat ? : Private home . The lady put seven kittens down in front of us and this white calico with the black tail walked straight toward Elmer and me , then sat down to check us over She 'd picked us out , so of course we had to take her home . Interesting quirks ? Kinko 's not really fond of anyone except us - - Elmer and me . She 's learned to be a great traveler in her cat carrier because we always took her when we went places . She 's been everywhere . But she always wanted to be safely in the carrier , never outside it when in the car . How does he or she like being a writer 's cat ? She curls up in an adjacent chair so she can keep an eye on me , making a remark now and then so I know she 's still there . She isn 't interested in in what I 'm doing , just wants to be close by . Has he / she ever been in one of your books ? : Not her , but I do put cats in my books . Anything you else you might want to say about your cat or your cat about you ? Both Elmer and I have been cat people from the get - go . I got my first cat , a black and white tom , when I was four . My father , a Conservation Officer at the time , picked him up in the woods as a half - starved kitten who 'd tried to climb up his pants leg , named him Merriweather , because that was the name of the town he was near and brought him home to me . Merriweather grew up , spent nights out tom - catting around and come home tired out . I 'd put a doll bonnet on him and wheel him around the house in my doll buggy . He 'd sleep soundly all the while . I loved him dearly and I 've never been without a cat since . And the first story I ever wrote at seven was about Merriweather . Elmer grew up on a farm where there were cats in the barn to keep down the mice . His mother would let the kids in the family bring kittens in the house to play with , but they always were banished back to the barn at night . Note : Kinko survived surgery for a cancer on her eyelid three years ago . The vet told us white - faced cats tend to get this from lying in the sun . He removed it without her losing the eye and , yes , it was malignant , but not the kind that metastasizes , thank heaven . He calls her his miracle cat . Other cats : The only really vocal cats I 've had in my eighty - six years were Siamese . I loved how they 'd talk to me . They were smart as well . I had a big tom named Zorro who once , when we went from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to California for Christmas , we had shut in the basement where his sandbox and food were . We had a neighbor check on him and give him more food while we were gone . Well , every time the neighbor came in , Zorro would happily greet him at the door as he entered the house . He couldn 't figure this out because he shut him back into the basement every time he left . Once day he pretended he was leaving and snuck back in to stay and watch , Pretty soon he noticed the doorknob of the basement door jiggling . Then it started turning , the door opened and out Zorro came . Checking inside the basement door , he noticed a small shelf with nothing on it right beside the doorknob on the stair landing . Ah , problem solved . Zorro had gotten onto the shelf and learned to paw at the doorknob until it finally opened and out he came . With the door ajar he was free to use the sandbox or eat whenever he felt like it . Then there was my female Siamese we finally named Kitty because the kids couldn 't agree on a name . After I was divorced and living alone with the kids , who were in school , Kitty decided it was time to have her kittens . They would be Siamese , I knew , because when she went into heat a male Siamese appeared out of nowhere and mated with her before leaving . I was headed out the door , but she followed me , obviously in the throes of birth . So I walked back to her birth box and sat on the floor . She got back in . I thought maybe after she had one kitten she 'd be content to stay there while the rest were born . No such luck . The first kitten was born and she cleaned him up . By then another was being born , a much smaller one than the first , so I figured it had to be the runt . Well , she wouldn 't clean this kitten up no matter how many times I put it under her nose . Three more were born and cleaned up . When I finally again put the poor little runt under her nose after she was through with the others , she finally cleaned him up . Then I gently put him where he could reach a free nipple . He found it and began to suck . After than Kitty accepted him as part of her brood . He turned out to be a feisty little thing despite having the sniffles , a crook in his tail and crossed - eyes - - all common afflictions in Siamese . I wondered later if somehow Kitty knew he was defective . Still , as they grew older , though smaller , he held his own against the tumble mock fights with all his brothers . Yes , they were all males - - not uncommon with Siamese litters . When the time came to give them away , I decided to sell them for a dollar each , which would pay for the ad in the paper . All but the runt were snapped up quickly . I had decided I 'd have to keep him , when a woman called me and said she 'd been away and she 'd just seen the ad in an old paper . Her daughter had been begging for a Siamese kitten , but all they 'd seen had been too expensive . I told her about his defects , saying that 's why he was left over . She said it didn 't matter . Whe " It 's like he was saved for us , " she said . Hi from Down Under . I 'm Isabelle and I 'm a blue British Shorthair . Back in the day I was a prize - winning champion for my beautiful features but turned out I had dud kittens and so my breeder took me to the vets to be euthanized ( the life of a breeding cat is kinda miserable ) . Lucky for me the vet was the sister of romance author Nikki Logan and she offered to use the fee to re - home me rather than put me to sleep . Within twenty - four hours I was sterilised and recovering at my new home with Nikki . You can probably tell from these pictures what my favourite things are - tummy rubs ( the only time my fur is ever shamelessly out of place ) and sleeping . If it 's cold enough I even sleep right on my face . I also love food and snuggles . A lot . Dogs , not so much . We have two of them here and they 're like unruly teenagers . Fortunately one swipe of my paw is all it takes to keep them in line . When no - one 's looking I even snuggle up with them but if you repeat that I 'll deny it . Why is it that humans can 't leave well enough alone ? We could all live long and happy lives if they 'd act more like cats . Hello , my name is Miss Marple , and I dominate a woman named Tricia Miles . She has provided me with everything a cat needs . A lovely home , a purpose and a place to work everyday , and sees to all my worldly needs : food , toys , catnip . But recently when she goes out , she often comes homes smelling of DOG . One dog in particular . An incredibly self - satisfied bichon frise named ( of all things ) Sarge . Perhaps he is aptly named , though , as he tends to come charging into a room barking orders like a drill sergeant . Sarge This DOG keeps arriving in our store , usually in a big pink purse being carried by Tricia 's sister . She 's okay , I suppose . She no longer calls me " that cat " or " that animal , " and she now pets me and has even kissed me once or twice . I will allow this . But that DOG , never ! At least Tricia doesn 't let her bring that DOG into our home . Just recently that DOG got Tricia into a lot of trouble . Not once , not twice , but three times ! It started in April when she was about to abandon me for an overnight stay at a lovely local inn called Sheer Comfort . That DOG had to go and do his , er , business , and Tricia was forced to be his enabler . And what did that DOG find while sniffing around the inn 's backyard ? A body ! That got Tricia into all kinds of trouble with all kinds of people . Especially when Tricia had plenty to do around the shop , including hiring a replacement for our beloved Ginny , who always fed me kitty treats when Tricia 's back was turned . I hope Tricia can find someone new who will give me even more cat cookies . I think she 's close to hiring someone who is owned by two cats ! We 'll see . In the meantime , I must keep watch from my perch behind the register . Up there I 'm safe from that DOG . I hope you 'll come and visit Tricia and me in the latest Booktown Mystery , MURDER ON THE HALF SHELF . I never owned a pet when I was growing up . As a military family , we were constantly moving , and my parents never wanted the hassle of an animal . My brother also had allergies , so it wasn 't an option . Whenever I visited people who owned dogs and cats , I enjoyed the animals , but I never really " got it " as to why people were so upset when their pet passed away . I was sad for them , but I thought these were animals , not people , right ? Fast - forward to last year . We were inundated with moles , voles , and bunnies who were determined to eat and destroy our yard plants . Humane traps didn 't work . Chasing them off was ineffective . Putting down grub preventers did nothing to stop the voles from chewing through all of my roses . I 'd had enough . I decided that we needed a cat - hopefully one who would chase off the bunnies and deter any rodents from setting up camp in our backyard . My husband initially tried to put me off it , explaining that pets were a big decision ( he 'd grown up with dogs and a cat ) . This wasn 't something we could just pick up at the shelter . It would change our lifestyles , since we couldn 't simply travel on the weekends without arranging for pet care . I was still determined to get a cat . When I first visited the SPCA , I found a personable , sweet cat who was three years old . I liked him immediately and asked my husband to come and see him the next day . When he agreed , we arrived at the shelter and the cat I 'd chosen had already been adopted . Instead , there was a new tabby cat named Fitch , who was almost two years old . He wasn 't in his cage but was busy walking around the shelter , curious about everyone and everything . He walked right up to me and nudged me with his head , as if he 'd already selected me to be his owner . I felt a bit awkward , since I knew nothing about cats , but when I petted him , he began purring and ribboning around my legs . He was an absolute sweetheart and we brought him home that day . Fitch has lived with us for seven months now , and I can 't imagine life without him . When I 'm writing , he 'll come and snuggle at my feet or he 'll meow at the door when he wants to go play outside . He loves the freedom to explore our yard , and the bunny / vole / mole population has definitely decreased ! ( thankfully he hasn 't brought me any " presents " yet . ) My husband was right . Owning a pet is life - changing . Fitch keeps me company when the children are at school , and he makes me laugh when he crawls into a brown paper bag to hide . If he 's away for too long , I worry about him , and I 'm always glad when he returns home . He 's not just an animal - he 's a member of our family . And I 'm hoping to keep him for many , many more years . Help Miss Mousie went live today . The PayPal donation buttons were installed , and we have a few Authors & Their Cats posts for you to peruse . We have more posts to upload and will continue to add to those as we hear from more authors . Last year I read an article in the New York Times that changed my life . It was about city dwellers who constructed " catios , " safe places for their cats to enjoy the outdoors . Basically they were decks or patios enclosed with mesh or screen where cats could safely take the air . Ozzie looking out the " catio " door I thought it was a great idea and decided to try it . Cautiously starting with a test run , I bought one of those ten - foot - square pavilion tents with fabric screens . I set it up on the patio outside the sliding glass door to the walk - out basement and used bricks to hold the screen sides down . I positioned it directly against the house so that cats and I could walk right out into the tent . The two adventurous cats , Ozzie and Beevel , followed me out immediately . Ozzie is a female rescued part - Maine - Coon . Beevel is an Abyssinian , the daughter of two grand champions but not quite show quality . The scaredy - cat , Harriet ( Ozzie 's daughter ) , ran screaming from the strange new contraption . I brought her out and held her in my lap . She was doing okay until a gust of wind blew the top of the tent around . In response , she promptly peed in my lap . The four of us are sitting on our catio porch now . It has turned out to be a high point in the cats ' lives and also a wonderful place for me to sit and write , outside with no bugs and pretty scenery . I have always loved gardening , and the catio plans included some garden modifications . A friend helped me construct a fishpond with a waterfall . ( No , I do not let the cats go fishing . ) As I sit here with the cats , I 'm listening to the sound of running water and looking up from time to time at the greenery around me . Hello ! I 'm Miss Mousie . Do you like my blog ? I do . I know some people worked very hard on it . And it 's a good thing . I need your help so they don 't send me some place I 'm not ready to go . There might be a rainbow there , but so what ? I like it where I am . And I 'll let you in on a little secret . I arrived here just in time in February . The truth is . . . my family needs me ! Without me , they would never wake up . Well , occasionally that dog will bark or mommy will wake up automatically because she has a book due , but if not , morning wake up is left to me . I 'm always on the job and have them up and about before that annoying sound box of last resort goes off . Can you believe none of the other cats had even thought of doing this before I arrived ? Now they reap the benefits of my brilliance . But that also puts pressure on me . I can 't let them down . Starvation is not pretty . I think mommy likes my head butting and loud purring , too , because usually I ignore her . I knew I 'd won her heart over the minute she saw me in the cat house so there 's no need for me to turn into that dog ( named Chaos and she lives up to her name let me tell you ) who just fawns and stares up at her in pure adoration . Mommy , aka the servant , puts two different kinds of icky drops in my ears each day . You 'd ignore her , too , if you were me . Deadline time is one of my favorites because she sits and types for hours . I can nap against her and know she 's not going to move . It 's almost like she 's a cat because daddy brings her food and rubs her feet . I 'm still trying to figure out what I must do to get the same treatment . Though I 'd much rather have under my chin scratched . This is how we nap while mommy works Between you and me , they are severely troubled . We 're talking really messed up in need of a animal behaviorist if not for my intervention . Yoda , who turned three at the beginning of August , actually thinks he 's a Ninja Cat . Mommy has encouraged his foolish behavior , allowing him to post on her blog . It really has to end . Cats might be two opposable thumbs away from world domination , but we are not Ninja . We are better than Ninja ! I 'm teaching Beauty how to help mommy And don 't even get me started on Beauty , the baby of the family , who still wears a bell on her collar . As if she 's going to get lost at her size . She turned one two weeks ago and everyone dotes on her . Yoda thinks she some sort of princess he must protect . That is when he 's not trying to attack her to work on his Ninja fighting skills . Beauty needs me to show her how to be a real cat , to know when to purr and when to act aloof and when to kick Yoda out of the Master Bedroom , because right now Beauty allows herself to be wheeled around in a doll stroller . Worse , she likes it . Young ones these days . . . We received the donation information for Miss Mousie 's PayPal account this morning ! You can now donate to her account . We will be bringing posts live later today ! Thanks ! Of all the cats I have had , Sakhmet was the most memorable . Some backstory - sometimes back in the 1940s someone had dumped a pair of Siamese out in the country behind my grandparents ' barn . They had stayed and interbred until over the generations a recessive gene had become dominant , resulting in a tribe of pure - black Siamese . I had just moved into my own place and was determined to have a cat , so - with a little cunning , a lot of luck and a great deal of smelly cat food - I captured a tiny little black kitten . I didn 't know what I was getting . Born feral , she never really domesticated . We lived in an uneasy truce for the next 20 years . I named her Sakhmet after the unpredictable lion - headed Egyptian goddess , and the name fit her to a T . Sakhmet could easily have been the last living saber - tooth ! Her vet , who both respected and feared her , said that she had all the Siamese traits - small feet , a heart - shaped face , a voice that sounded like a baby being skinned - but she was completely black ( and never got a gray hair ! ) with enormous eyes that went from green ( happy ) to gold ( better leave until she calms down ) . Sakhmet hated people . I was tolerated because I was the bringer of food , but whenever visitors came to my apartment she vanished . People I had known for years swore up and down I didn 't have a cat , that I merely went outside , gathered tufts of hair from the bushes and rubbed them on the carpet so that people would think I had a cat ! Sakhmet was also the most intelligent creature ( including some of the two - legged ones I dated ) I 've ever seen . She could turn lights on and off , loved to answer the telephone and could open any door in the place . I had to keep the front and back outside doors key - deadbolted just to be sure . This was during the heyday of the dinner theatre , when you could have a buffet dinner and then see a play with some of the older luminaries of Hollywood . I was an actress then and was delighted to be cast in UNDER PAPA ' S PICTURE , a piece of froth starring the late great Eve Arden . There are several blogs worth of stories from that play 's six - week run , but I 'm going to tell only one . The play ran over the Christmas holidays , so I decided I would have a great big party for the cast . The party was a success , until someone asked where Miss Arden was . Well , I had seen her and her husband Brooks West arrive , and he was in the living room talking to someone , but there was no sign of Miss Arden . I went looking . It was not that big a place , so I soon found her , and my heart almost stopped . She was in my bedroom , lying flat on the floor and scrunched about three - quarters of the way under my bed , cooing to Sakhmet , who was doubtless as far into the corner as she could get . I thought I might die . Not only was Eve Arden ( Our Miss Brooks ! ) under my bed , she was under there not only with a half - wild cat who hated everyone but a generous herd of killer dustbunnies as well ! It all worked out all right . She just got one clawing from Sakhmet , and it only took a minute or two to detach most of the dustbunnies , but for the rest of the play she talked again and again about meeting the legendary Sakhmet . She never mentioned the dustbunnies . Thank goodness . Once when I had to take a trip I frankly blackmailed a police officer friend of mine into taking care of her at his house . He was a patrolman , over 6 ft tall and very fit , but he was no match for Sakhmet . I came home to find her back in my apartment , with a shredded pillowcase and a tray of food and water just barely beyond the swing of the front door . She had lasted exactly two days at his place before terrorizing his family so much that he gave in and brought her back . For the remaining three weeks of my trip he drove almost ten miles each way every day to feed and water her . One Thanksgiving I came to stay with my widowed mother . I brought Sakhmet because the weather was deteriorating . We ended up being snowed in for a number of days . Before it was over the war between Mother and Sakhmet made me think seriously of abandoning the two of them and hiking back to my apartment through the snow . It was only four miles … Sakhmet liked to lie on shiny , slick fabric . In the den Mother had two antique chairs that were covered in a glorious satin . Sakhmet loved them . Mother was afraid she would have an ' accident ' on them . Mother covered the chairs with towels , but the next morning the towels had been scraped off onto the floor and Sakhmet was spread in luxurious abandon over the satin . The next night Mother tried pillows . The next morning they were on the floor . The next night Mother gave up and moved both chairs into the living room and shut the door . The den was carpeted in a beige shag ( this was a number of years ago ) and there were definite impressions of each chair 's four legs . In the morning - as neatly as if it had been plotted with a ruler - in the middle of each chair 's impressions was a small , brown gift . Mother said she had been right , that Sakhmet had had an accident . I said no , that was no accident , it was a deliberate ! The next day the snow melted - thank you , God ! - and Sakhmet and I went home . Though she was sometimes difficult and often downright weird , Sakhmet was also a loving companion . She would lie on my desk while I wrote and slept every night in the small of my back . She was a big part of my life . Sakhmet lived for 21 years . Toward the end she was very frail and ill , and I was so selfish I could not bring myself to do the right thing and have her put to sleep . She took the decision out of my hands . I had to be out of town , so Mother - unwilling to have Sakhmet in her home again , though this was many years later - drove the 4 miles to my apartment every day to feed her . Sakhmet waited until I was out of town to die . Mother buried her in the most beautiful part of her back garden and put flowers in her grave . I 'll never forget the feeling of coming home to that empty , empty apartment . I 've had many other cats since Sakhmet 's passing , but none have equaled her in intelligence or personality . Or temperament . Unfortunately , all my pictures of her perished in the disaster of a flood caused by a burst pipe , so all I have of her is memories . Sleep well , my dear old friend . I still miss you . I believe sincerely that our animals are little angel spirits , come to Earth to make our lives happier and help us through difficult times . I have the joy and comfort of two Angel cats . This is how they came to be ours and why I believe they 're little angels . At the end of my kids ' second and fifth - grade years , we met a new family whose kids would be attending our kids ' school . The mom , Laura 's , son was a year younger than mine , her daughter a year younger than my daughter . Over the years , the kids ended up on the same swim team , soccer team , basketball team , too . We carpooled to all and became quite close . Three years later , school had just started again , her kids in fifth and eighth grades , and she was feeling great . Her stem cell transplant had been declared a success . Her hair was coming back in , her coloring good . She 'd even regained a bit of weight . When we got to their house , we found out Laura had been in that ambulance with no pulse , no respiration . She 'd collapsed in the front yard . I had her daughter in my van . It didn 't make any sense . You don 't literally drop dead from cancer . All the doctors could say was that she 'd had a lot of high - dose chemo , and it could be really hard on people 's hearts . Two other things happened that week that some people might say were coincidences , but I really don 't believe in coincidences . I believe things happen for a reason . I have faith that things work out as they 're supposed to . But the cat was going to be a mother , and I knew two kids who were in the middle of losing their mother . Life was crazy , scary and stressful . I took the path of least resistance and fed the cat , and I know what people say happens when you fed a stray cat . It becomes yours . The second thing was that I was finishing a book , due in eight days . And I 'm not saying a deadline was important in that moment . It 's just that the book happened to be about four adult children trying to come to terms with the death of their mother from cancer . The mom dies in the first chapter . I remember saying , " Really , God ? I 'm supposed to find something to say in this book to help make sense of the loss of these kids ' mother ? Because I don 't have anything to say that makes sense about this . " There was a third thing that happened , so unexpected and so bad , that if I put it in a story , people would swear I was being melodramatic . A week or two later - - I honestly don 't remember exactly when , it was such a horrible time - a little girl , in fifth or sixth grade , on our girls ' soccer team died . A bicycle accident . When I 'm writing , each day is an adventure of finding out what my characters are going to say and do next . My life , on the other hand , I like to keep on an even keel . The unexpected happens but still in an " ordinary " way . As we get older , our lives become filled with anniversary dates . I try to find positive ways to deal with those anniversary dates and holidays and when I miss someone I love . June has one of those anniversary dates for me - - my parents ' anniversary . When I was growing up , I always had a cat . My mom cuddled them . My dad tolerated them . But he knew how much I loved each one we befriended over the years . So when I got married , it was natural to have a cat or two . We have two now who are eleven years old . We hadn 't expected to bring any more into our lifestyle . After all , don 't we all know our place ? Aren 't our lives settled the way they are ? As my parents ' anniversary date approached , I was busy with a book deadline and thinking maybe this year , I would take a walk and get on with my day . But . . . My husband was gardening . When he came in for lunch , he told me he 'd heard a baby kitten in a small gnarled weeping redbud tree by our patio . When I went outside , he found her and it was love at first sight . She was tiny , scared , dehydrated and hungry . After we fed her mashed - up cat food with water , she cuddled right up with me and fell asleep in my arms . I held her most of the day , feeding her little bits often . After my husband drove to the store to buy kitten food , I asked , " Do you know what today is ? " And he did . We were keeping her . Almost two weeks after losing my Tojo , my orange multi - toed boy and companion of 18 years , I saw a picture of an orange male cat at the local shelter . . . and he had two huge front feet . He was it - I had another orange boy . In keeping with tradition I gave him another " toe " name , and he became Kato . Kato came home with me at two years of age . He had been a full male and neutered only two weeks before , so he had attitude built right in . I am his property , as the food and pet dispensary ; and he is also the boss of the two other cats I adopted at the same time . He has a right to eat everyone 's food ( in his mind ) , he can lie anywhere he wants ( others are required to move if they occupy his preferred spot ) , and he only speaks when he has something to say - and he usually doesn 't have to say anything . My name is Kato . At least , that 's the noise She makes when she sees me . This house is mine . The couch is mine . The porch is mine . The bed is mine . The big soft chairs are mine . And the food is mine . My only issue is the food , since She has to be maneuvered into giving it to me . But it pretty much works out okay . Let me tell you , I had to train her . It took me a little while , but she 's okay now . She didn 't understand that I 'd lived two years in the street and had my own methods . I am a MAN cat , unlike those other two boys she brought home . I don 't mind them at all , though , because they know who 's boss . Life is pretty good now . I spend a lot of time basking in the sun and generally overseeing my domain . Oh , and since you ask - - I do help her to poke those funny things on what she calls a keyboard . But mostly I am just nearby supervising . It 's a good thing I am around . Posted by I am an aristocat , a well - bred specimen of the noble Abyssinian breed , with all the beauty , arrogance , and noblesse oblige that befits my position . Presently , I live in Coronado , California with a reasonably dutiful Can - Opener who attends all my needs , if not all my desires . To be candid , I will never pardon her for the Unfortunate Neutering Incident . But so not think I fail to earn my keep ( although I shouldn 't be compelled to do so ) . The C - O writes stories that become books that people like , and I add lustre to her career by hosting her website and blogging at StoryBroads . If she pleases me , I may learn to Tweet . I do wish she 'd write more stories about cats , however . Some appear in her books , but it is not a sufficiency . I was excited when she produced the Golden Leopard , Heart of the Tiger , and The Silver Lion . At last , cats are the stars of the story ! But nooo . They play a symbolic role , helping delineate the natures of the characters . Housecats play a part as well , and two of them save two of the humans . Later , in a different book , their kittens help bring two lovers together . I hope many kind humans will band together to save Miss Mousie . I shall certainly do my own part , as will my C - O . For now , it is my naptime . Au revoir , mais amis . This is Foxy . Although now deceased , she owned me for twenty years . Found her at the ASPCA when I went in just on a whim , with no intention of actually leaving with an animal . As I looked around , she began " talking " to me , and held her paw out for me to shake hands . She instantly licked my hand when I touched her paw . I asked one of the workers if they 'd let me hold her . Once the crate opened up , she literally leapt into my arms . She instantly began nuzzling my neck , and licked me , making me giggle . There was no way she was letting go . She 'd found her slave , and she was holding on to me for life . The vet estimated she was about six months old when I adopted her , and she was well over twenty years when she gave me the " I 'm ready " look that broke my heart . A long - haired calico , she became Foxy because her tail was so fluffy , and she had fox - like ears . And she was also wily as a fox , too . She knew exactly how to bend me to her will . I made a ton of tuna salad over those years because she loved lapping up the tuna juice and bits . Obviously , the sound of the can opener had her galloping to the kitchen from any corner of the house . She was the greatest kitty , right to the end . She put up with the dogs , often cleaning their eyes without complaint when they 'd nose her to do so . But as you can see , this was her favorite nap spot , as the sun warmed her and she could watch all of the birds flying around outside of the window . It 's been a few years , but she 's forever in my heart . Meet Phantom , the proud owner of Anne Stuart . . . I wandered onto the property of my pet , Anne , one fall afternoon . Foolish girl , she had an excitable dog and another cat at the time , and I was going to poke around and then move on when the daughter of the house appeared with cheese . I cannot resist cheese . So I allowed them to lure me in and what do you think the first thing they did was ? I do like to sleep on her stomach at night . I just curl right up and go to sleep , and fortunately she 's learned to sleep that way as well . I 'll settle for Richie if she 's away on a trip , but I do prefer her . She 's softer . I 'm not sure I 'm crazy about the name they gave me . When I 'd slip around outside they called me " The Gray Ghost , " which had a certain amount of dignity to it , and then they changed it to Phantom as a temporary moniker . Unfortunately they took one look at my face , which , as you may notice , has one side dark and one light , and decided Phantom would remain , since Anne 's sentimental and loves Phantom of the Opera . I forgive them , though , because they adore me , feed me Fancy Feast and never put me off their laps . When I 'm sitting on Anne ( or occasionally Richie ) they make the other one go and open the door so I 'll get up on my own . But they do know how fond I am of open doors . I 've never met one I haven 't adored . I can walk in the front door and go straight out the back if it 's open , which confuses Richie . Anne simply says " he 's a peripatetic kitty " and I thank God she didn 't name me that . She received a new medicine for her ears today . She doesn 't like it much but her vet thinks it will help with the swelling . Otherwise , she 's doing well . She has two more antibiotic pills to take and will continue with her daily ear drops . The best part is she 's back to acting like herself . She 's eating and climbing the cat tree to her fave spot and sleeping next to her daddy ! She 'd stopped doing these things a little over two weeks ago so we are thrilled to have her behavior back to normal ! Miss Mousie is a senior ( no - longer a foster ) cat from the West Columbia Gorge Humane Society in Washington who needed TECA ( Total Ear Canal Ablation ) surgery that was estimated to cost an estimated $ 5000 . We managed to find another clinic who would do it for under $ 4000 ! Her romance author mom enlisted the help of cat loving writers to help Miss Mousie and raised the necessary funds for the surgery in 2012 . Be sure to check out the Authors & Their Cats posts . Links below ! And her foster family has since become Miss Mousie 's forever family . Donate |
Romance writer and cat lover , Bailey Stewart also mentioned Miss Mousie and our fundraising endeavor on her blog , Long and Writing Road . Bailey tells a touching , bittersweet tale about how she knows what it 's like to have a cat , in her case the beloved Devlin , who needs expensive medical treatment . You can read her post titled For the Love of a Cat by clicking here . Cat 's name : Kinko Sex : Female Age : 17 How long have you had the cat ? : Since she was a kitten . Where did you get the cat ? : Private home . The lady put seven kittens down in front of us and this white calico with the black tail walked straight toward Elmer and me , then sat down to check us over She 'd picked us out , so of course we had to take her home . Interesting quirks ? Kinko 's not really fond of anyone except us - - Elmer and me . She 's learned to be a great traveler in her cat carrier because we always took her when we went places . She 's been everywhere . But she always wanted to be safely in the carrier , never outside it when in the car . How does he or she like being a writer 's cat ? She curls up in an adjacent chair so she can keep an eye on me , making a remark now and then so I know she 's still there . She isn 't interested in in what I 'm doing , just wants to be close by . Has he / she ever been in one of your books ? : Not her , but I do put cats in my books . Anything you else you might want to say about your cat or your cat about you ? Both Elmer and I have been cat people from the get - go . I got my first cat , a black and white tom , when I was four . My father , a Conservation Officer at the time , picked him up in the woods as a half - starved kitten who 'd tried to climb up his pants leg , named him Merriweather , because that was the name of the town he was near and brought him home to me . Merriweather grew up , spent nights out tom - catting around and come home tired out . I 'd put a doll bonnet on him and wheel him around the house in my doll buggy . He 'd sleep soundly all the while . I loved him dearly and I 've never been without a cat since . And the first story I ever wrote at seven was about Merriweather . Elmer grew up on a farm where there were cats in the barn to keep down the mice . His mother would let the kids in the family bring kittens in the house to play with , but they always were banished back to the barn at night . Note : Kinko survived surgery for a cancer on her eyelid three years ago . The vet told us white - faced cats tend to get this from lying in the sun . He removed it without her losing the eye and , yes , it was malignant , but not the kind that metastasizes , thank heaven . He calls her his miracle cat . Other cats : The only really vocal cats I 've had in my eighty - six years were Siamese . I loved how they 'd talk to me . They were smart as well . I had a big tom named Zorro who once , when we went from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to California for Christmas , we had shut in the basement where his sandbox and food were . We had a neighbor check on him and give him more food while we were gone . Well , every time the neighbor came in , Zorro would happily greet him at the door as he entered the house . He couldn 't figure this out because he shut him back into the basement every time he left . Once day he pretended he was leaving and snuck back in to stay and watch , Pretty soon he noticed the doorknob of the basement door jiggling . Then it started turning , the door opened and out Zorro came . Checking inside the basement door , he noticed a small shelf with nothing on it right beside the doorknob on the stair landing . Ah , problem solved . Zorro had gotten onto the shelf and learned to paw at the doorknob until it finally opened and out he came . With the door ajar he was free to use the sandbox or eat whenever he felt like it . Then there was my female Siamese we finally named Kitty because the kids couldn 't agree on a name . After I was divorced and living alone with the kids , who were in school , Kitty decided it was time to have her kittens . They would be Siamese , I knew , because when she went into heat a male Siamese appeared out of nowhere and mated with her before leaving . I was headed out the door , but she followed me , obviously in the throes of birth . So I walked back to her birth box and sat on the floor . She got back in . I thought maybe after she had one kitten she 'd be content to stay there while the rest were born . No such luck . The first kitten was born and she cleaned him up . By then another was being born , a much smaller one than the first , so I figured it had to be the runt . Well , she wouldn 't clean this kitten up no matter how many times I put it under her nose . Three more were born and cleaned up . When I finally again put the poor little runt under her nose after she was through with the others , she finally cleaned him up . Then I gently put him where he could reach a free nipple . He found it and began to suck . After than Kitty accepted him as part of her brood . He turned out to be a feisty little thing despite having the sniffles , a crook in his tail and crossed - eyes - - all common afflictions in Siamese . I wondered later if somehow Kitty knew he was defective . Still , as they grew older , though smaller , he held his own against the tumble mock fights with all his brothers . Yes , they were all males - - not uncommon with Siamese litters . When the time came to give them away , I decided to sell them for a dollar each , which would pay for the ad in the paper . All but the runt were snapped up quickly . I had decided I 'd have to keep him , when a woman called me and said she 'd been away and she 'd just seen the ad in an old paper . Her daughter had been begging for a Siamese kitten , but all they 'd seen had been too expensive . I told her about his defects , saying that 's why he was left over . She said it didn 't matter . Whe " It 's like he was saved for us , " she said . Hi from Down Under . I 'm Isabelle and I 'm a blue British Shorthair . Back in the day I was a prize - winning champion for my beautiful features but turned out I had dud kittens and so my breeder took me to the vets to be euthanized ( the life of a breeding cat is kinda miserable ) . Lucky for me the vet was the sister of romance author Nikki Logan and she offered to use the fee to re - home me rather than put me to sleep . Within twenty - four hours I was sterilised and recovering at my new home with Nikki . You can probably tell from these pictures what my favourite things are - tummy rubs ( the only time my fur is ever shamelessly out of place ) and sleeping . If it 's cold enough I even sleep right on my face . I also love food and snuggles . A lot . Dogs , not so much . We have two of them here and they 're like unruly teenagers . Fortunately one swipe of my paw is all it takes to keep them in line . When no - one 's looking I even snuggle up with them but if you repeat that I 'll deny it . Why is it that humans can 't leave well enough alone ? We could all live long and happy lives if they 'd act more like cats . Hello , my name is Miss Marple , and I dominate a woman named Tricia Miles . She has provided me with everything a cat needs . A lovely home , a purpose and a place to work everyday , and sees to all my worldly needs : food , toys , catnip . But recently when she goes out , she often comes homes smelling of DOG . One dog in particular . An incredibly self - satisfied bichon frise named ( of all things ) Sarge . Perhaps he is aptly named , though , as he tends to come charging into a room barking orders like a drill sergeant . Sarge This DOG keeps arriving in our store , usually in a big pink purse being carried by Tricia 's sister . She 's okay , I suppose . She no longer calls me " that cat " or " that animal , " and she now pets me and has even kissed me once or twice . I will allow this . But that DOG , never ! At least Tricia doesn 't let her bring that DOG into our home . Just recently that DOG got Tricia into a lot of trouble . Not once , not twice , but three times ! It started in April when she was about to abandon me for an overnight stay at a lovely local inn called Sheer Comfort . That DOG had to go and do his , er , business , and Tricia was forced to be his enabler . And what did that DOG find while sniffing around the inn 's backyard ? A body ! That got Tricia into all kinds of trouble with all kinds of people . Especially when Tricia had plenty to do around the shop , including hiring a replacement for our beloved Ginny , who always fed me kitty treats when Tricia 's back was turned . I hope Tricia can find someone new who will give me even more cat cookies . I think she 's close to hiring someone who is owned by two cats ! We 'll see . In the meantime , I must keep watch from my perch behind the register . Up there I 'm safe from that DOG . I hope you 'll come and visit Tricia and me in the latest Booktown Mystery , MURDER ON THE HALF SHELF . I never owned a pet when I was growing up . As a military family , we were constantly moving , and my parents never wanted the hassle of an animal . My brother also had allergies , so it wasn 't an option . Whenever I visited people who owned dogs and cats , I enjoyed the animals , but I never really " got it " as to why people were so upset when their pet passed away . I was sad for them , but I thought these were animals , not people , right ? Fast - forward to last year . We were inundated with moles , voles , and bunnies who were determined to eat and destroy our yard plants . Humane traps didn 't work . Chasing them off was ineffective . Putting down grub preventers did nothing to stop the voles from chewing through all of my roses . I 'd had enough . I decided that we needed a cat - hopefully one who would chase off the bunnies and deter any rodents from setting up camp in our backyard . My husband initially tried to put me off it , explaining that pets were a big decision ( he 'd grown up with dogs and a cat ) . This wasn 't something we could just pick up at the shelter . It would change our lifestyles , since we couldn 't simply travel on the weekends without arranging for pet care . I was still determined to get a cat . When I first visited the SPCA , I found a personable , sweet cat who was three years old . I liked him immediately and asked my husband to come and see him the next day . When he agreed , we arrived at the shelter and the cat I 'd chosen had already been adopted . Instead , there was a new tabby cat named Fitch , who was almost two years old . He wasn 't in his cage but was busy walking around the shelter , curious about everyone and everything . He walked right up to me and nudged me with his head , as if he 'd already selected me to be his owner . I felt a bit awkward , since I knew nothing about cats , but when I petted him , he began purring and ribboning around my legs . He was an absolute sweetheart and we brought him home that day . Fitch has lived with us for seven months now , and I can 't imagine life without him . When I 'm writing , he 'll come and snuggle at my feet or he 'll meow at the door when he wants to go play outside . He loves the freedom to explore our yard , and the bunny / vole / mole population has definitely decreased ! ( thankfully he hasn 't brought me any " presents " yet . ) My husband was right . Owning a pet is life - changing . Fitch keeps me company when the children are at school , and he makes me laugh when he crawls into a brown paper bag to hide . If he 's away for too long , I worry about him , and I 'm always glad when he returns home . He 's not just an animal - he 's a member of our family . And I 'm hoping to keep him for many , many more years . Help Miss Mousie went live today . The PayPal donation buttons were installed , and we have a few Authors & Their Cats posts for you to peruse . We have more posts to upload and will continue to add to those as we hear from more authors . Last year I read an article in the New York Times that changed my life . It was about city dwellers who constructed " catios , " safe places for their cats to enjoy the outdoors . Basically they were decks or patios enclosed with mesh or screen where cats could safely take the air . Ozzie looking out the " catio " door I thought it was a great idea and decided to try it . Cautiously starting with a test run , I bought one of those ten - foot - square pavilion tents with fabric screens . I set it up on the patio outside the sliding glass door to the walk - out basement and used bricks to hold the screen sides down . I positioned it directly against the house so that cats and I could walk right out into the tent . The two adventurous cats , Ozzie and Beevel , followed me out immediately . Ozzie is a female rescued part - Maine - Coon . Beevel is an Abyssinian , the daughter of two grand champions but not quite show quality . The scaredy - cat , Harriet ( Ozzie 's daughter ) , ran screaming from the strange new contraption . I brought her out and held her in my lap . She was doing okay until a gust of wind blew the top of the tent around . In response , she promptly peed in my lap . The four of us are sitting on our catio porch now . It has turned out to be a high point in the cats ' lives and also a wonderful place for me to sit and write , outside with no bugs and pretty scenery . I have always loved gardening , and the catio plans included some garden modifications . A friend helped me construct a fishpond with a waterfall . ( No , I do not let the cats go fishing . ) As I sit here with the cats , I 'm listening to the sound of running water and looking up from time to time at the greenery around me . Hello ! I 'm Miss Mousie . Do you like my blog ? I do . I know some people worked very hard on it . And it 's a good thing . I need your help so they don 't send me some place I 'm not ready to go . There might be a rainbow there , but so what ? I like it where I am . And I 'll let you in on a little secret . I arrived here just in time in February . The truth is . . . my family needs me ! Without me , they would never wake up . Well , occasionally that dog will bark or mommy will wake up automatically because she has a book due , but if not , morning wake up is left to me . I 'm always on the job and have them up and about before that annoying sound box of last resort goes off . Can you believe none of the other cats had even thought of doing this before I arrived ? Now they reap the benefits of my brilliance . But that also puts pressure on me . I can 't let them down . Starvation is not pretty . I think mommy likes my head butting and loud purring , too , because usually I ignore her . I knew I 'd won her heart over the minute she saw me in the cat house so there 's no need for me to turn into that dog ( named Chaos and she lives up to her name let me tell you ) who just fawns and stares up at her in pure adoration . Mommy , aka the servant , puts two different kinds of icky drops in my ears each day . You 'd ignore her , too , if you were me . Deadline time is one of my favorites because she sits and types for hours . I can nap against her and know she 's not going to move . It 's almost like she 's a cat because daddy brings her food and rubs her feet . I 'm still trying to figure out what I must do to get the same treatment . Though I 'd much rather have under my chin scratched . This is how we nap while mommy works Between you and me , they are severely troubled . We 're talking really messed up in need of a animal behaviorist if not for my intervention . Yoda , who turned three at the beginning of August , actually thinks he 's a Ninja Cat . Mommy has encouraged his foolish behavior , allowing him to post on her blog . It really has to end . Cats might be two opposable thumbs away from world domination , but we are not Ninja . We are better than Ninja ! I 'm teaching Beauty how to help mommy And don 't even get me started on Beauty , the baby of the family , who still wears a bell on her collar . As if she 's going to get lost at her size . She turned one two weeks ago and everyone dotes on her . Yoda thinks she some sort of princess he must protect . That is when he 's not trying to attack her to work on his Ninja fighting skills . Beauty needs me to show her how to be a real cat , to know when to purr and when to act aloof and when to kick Yoda out of the Master Bedroom , because right now Beauty allows herself to be wheeled around in a doll stroller . Worse , she likes it . Young ones these days . . . We received the donation information for Miss Mousie 's PayPal account this morning ! You can now donate to her account . We will be bringing posts live later today ! Thanks ! Of all the cats I have had , Sakhmet was the most memorable . Some backstory - sometimes back in the 1940s someone had dumped a pair of Siamese out in the country behind my grandparents ' barn . They had stayed and interbred until over the generations a recessive gene had become dominant , resulting in a tribe of pure - black Siamese . I had just moved into my own place and was determined to have a cat , so - with a little cunning , a lot of luck and a great deal of smelly cat food - I captured a tiny little black kitten . I didn 't know what I was getting . Born feral , she never really domesticated . We lived in an uneasy truce for the next 20 years . I named her Sakhmet after the unpredictable lion - headed Egyptian goddess , and the name fit her to a T . Sakhmet could easily have been the last living saber - tooth ! Her vet , who both respected and feared her , said that she had all the Siamese traits - small feet , a heart - shaped face , a voice that sounded like a baby being skinned - but she was completely black ( and never got a gray hair ! ) with enormous eyes that went from green ( happy ) to gold ( better leave until she calms down ) . Sakhmet hated people . I was tolerated because I was the bringer of food , but whenever visitors came to my apartment she vanished . People I had known for years swore up and down I didn 't have a cat , that I merely went outside , gathered tufts of hair from the bushes and rubbed them on the carpet so that people would think I had a cat ! Sakhmet was also the most intelligent creature ( including some of the two - legged ones I dated ) I 've ever seen . She could turn lights on and off , loved to answer the telephone and could open any door in the place . I had to keep the front and back outside doors key - deadbolted just to be sure . This was during the heyday of the dinner theatre , when you could have a buffet dinner and then see a play with some of the older luminaries of Hollywood . I was an actress then and was delighted to be cast in UNDER PAPA ' S PICTURE , a piece of froth starring the late great Eve Arden . There are several blogs worth of stories from that play 's six - week run , but I 'm going to tell only one . The play ran over the Christmas holidays , so I decided I would have a great big party for the cast . The party was a success , until someone asked where Miss Arden was . Well , I had seen her and her husband Brooks West arrive , and he was in the living room talking to someone , but there was no sign of Miss Arden . I went looking . It was not that big a place , so I soon found her , and my heart almost stopped . She was in my bedroom , lying flat on the floor and scrunched about three - quarters of the way under my bed , cooing to Sakhmet , who was doubtless as far into the corner as she could get . I thought I might die . Not only was Eve Arden ( Our Miss Brooks ! ) under my bed , she was under there not only with a half - wild cat who hated everyone but a generous herd of killer dustbunnies as well ! It all worked out all right . She just got one clawing from Sakhmet , and it only took a minute or two to detach most of the dustbunnies , but for the rest of the play she talked again and again about meeting the legendary Sakhmet . She never mentioned the dustbunnies . Thank goodness . Once when I had to take a trip I frankly blackmailed a police officer friend of mine into taking care of her at his house . He was a patrolman , over 6 ft tall and very fit , but he was no match for Sakhmet . I came home to find her back in my apartment , with a shredded pillowcase and a tray of food and water just barely beyond the swing of the front door . She had lasted exactly two days at his place before terrorizing his family so much that he gave in and brought her back . For the remaining three weeks of my trip he drove almost ten miles each way every day to feed and water her . One Thanksgiving I came to stay with my widowed mother . I brought Sakhmet because the weather was deteriorating . We ended up being snowed in for a number of days . Before it was over the war between Mother and Sakhmet made me think seriously of abandoning the two of them and hiking back to my apartment through the snow . It was only four miles … Sakhmet liked to lie on shiny , slick fabric . In the den Mother had two antique chairs that were covered in a glorious satin . Sakhmet loved them . Mother was afraid she would have an ' accident ' on them . Mother covered the chairs with towels , but the next morning the towels had been scraped off onto the floor and Sakhmet was spread in luxurious abandon over the satin . The next night Mother tried pillows . The next morning they were on the floor . The next night Mother gave up and moved both chairs into the living room and shut the door . The den was carpeted in a beige shag ( this was a number of years ago ) and there were definite impressions of each chair 's four legs . In the morning - as neatly as if it had been plotted with a ruler - in the middle of each chair 's impressions was a small , brown gift . Mother said she had been right , that Sakhmet had had an accident . I said no , that was no accident , it was a deliberate ! The next day the snow melted - thank you , God ! - and Sakhmet and I went home . Though she was sometimes difficult and often downright weird , Sakhmet was also a loving companion . She would lie on my desk while I wrote and slept every night in the small of my back . She was a big part of my life . Sakhmet lived for 21 years . Toward the end she was very frail and ill , and I was so selfish I could not bring myself to do the right thing and have her put to sleep . She took the decision out of my hands . I had to be out of town , so Mother - unwilling to have Sakhmet in her home again , though this was many years later - drove the 4 miles to my apartment every day to feed her . Sakhmet waited until I was out of town to die . Mother buried her in the most beautiful part of her back garden and put flowers in her grave . I 'll never forget the feeling of coming home to that empty , empty apartment . I 've had many other cats since Sakhmet 's passing , but none have equaled her in intelligence or personality . Or temperament . Unfortunately , all my pictures of her perished in the disaster of a flood caused by a burst pipe , so all I have of her is memories . Sleep well , my dear old friend . I still miss you . I believe sincerely that our animals are little angel spirits , come to Earth to make our lives happier and help us through difficult times . I have the joy and comfort of two Angel cats . This is how they came to be ours and why I believe they 're little angels . At the end of my kids ' second and fifth - grade years , we met a new family whose kids would be attending our kids ' school . The mom , Laura 's , son was a year younger than mine , her daughter a year younger than my daughter . Over the years , the kids ended up on the same swim team , soccer team , basketball team , too . We carpooled to all and became quite close . Three years later , school had just started again , her kids in fifth and eighth grades , and she was feeling great . Her stem cell transplant had been declared a success . Her hair was coming back in , her coloring good . She 'd even regained a bit of weight . When we got to their house , we found out Laura had been in that ambulance with no pulse , no respiration . She 'd collapsed in the front yard . I had her daughter in my van . It didn 't make any sense . You don 't literally drop dead from cancer . All the doctors could say was that she 'd had a lot of high - dose chemo , and it could be really hard on people 's hearts . Two other things happened that week that some people might say were coincidences , but I really don 't believe in coincidences . I believe things happen for a reason . I have faith that things work out as they 're supposed to . But the cat was going to be a mother , and I knew two kids who were in the middle of losing their mother . Life was crazy , scary and stressful . I took the path of least resistance and fed the cat , and I know what people say happens when you fed a stray cat . It becomes yours . The second thing was that I was finishing a book , due in eight days . And I 'm not saying a deadline was important in that moment . It 's just that the book happened to be about four adult children trying to come to terms with the death of their mother from cancer . The mom dies in the first chapter . I remember saying , " Really , God ? I 'm supposed to find something to say in this book to help make sense of the loss of these kids ' mother ? Because I don 't have anything to say that makes sense about this . " There was a third thing that happened , so unexpected and so bad , that if I put it in a story , people would swear I was being melodramatic . A week or two later - - I honestly don 't remember exactly when , it was such a horrible time - a little girl , in fifth or sixth grade , on our girls ' soccer team died . A bicycle accident . When I 'm writing , each day is an adventure of finding out what my characters are going to say and do next . My life , on the other hand , I like to keep on an even keel . The unexpected happens but still in an " ordinary " way . As we get older , our lives become filled with anniversary dates . I try to find positive ways to deal with those anniversary dates and holidays and when I miss someone I love . June has one of those anniversary dates for me - - my parents ' anniversary . When I was growing up , I always had a cat . My mom cuddled them . My dad tolerated them . But he knew how much I loved each one we befriended over the years . So when I got married , it was natural to have a cat or two . We have two now who are eleven years old . We hadn 't expected to bring any more into our lifestyle . After all , don 't we all know our place ? Aren 't our lives settled the way they are ? As my parents ' anniversary date approached , I was busy with a book deadline and thinking maybe this year , I would take a walk and get on with my day . But . . . My husband was gardening . When he came in for lunch , he told me he 'd heard a baby kitten in a small gnarled weeping redbud tree by our patio . When I went outside , he found her and it was love at first sight . She was tiny , scared , dehydrated and hungry . After we fed her mashed - up cat food with water , she cuddled right up with me and fell asleep in my arms . I held her most of the day , feeding her little bits often . After my husband drove to the store to buy kitten food , I asked , " Do you know what today is ? " And he did . We were keeping her . Almost two weeks after losing my Tojo , my orange multi - toed boy and companion of 18 years , I saw a picture of an orange male cat at the local shelter . . . and he had two huge front feet . He was it - I had another orange boy . In keeping with tradition I gave him another " toe " name , and he became Kato . Kato came home with me at two years of age . He had been a full male and neutered only two weeks before , so he had attitude built right in . I am his property , as the food and pet dispensary ; and he is also the boss of the two other cats I adopted at the same time . He has a right to eat everyone 's food ( in his mind ) , he can lie anywhere he wants ( others are required to move if they occupy his preferred spot ) , and he only speaks when he has something to say - and he usually doesn 't have to say anything . My name is Kato . At least , that 's the noise She makes when she sees me . This house is mine . The couch is mine . The porch is mine . The bed is mine . The big soft chairs are mine . And the food is mine . My only issue is the food , since She has to be maneuvered into giving it to me . But it pretty much works out okay . Let me tell you , I had to train her . It took me a little while , but she 's okay now . She didn 't understand that I 'd lived two years in the street and had my own methods . I am a MAN cat , unlike those other two boys she brought home . I don 't mind them at all , though , because they know who 's boss . Life is pretty good now . I spend a lot of time basking in the sun and generally overseeing my domain . Oh , and since you ask - - I do help her to poke those funny things on what she calls a keyboard . But mostly I am just nearby supervising . It 's a good thing I am around . Posted by I am an aristocat , a well - bred specimen of the noble Abyssinian breed , with all the beauty , arrogance , and noblesse oblige that befits my position . Presently , I live in Coronado , California with a reasonably dutiful Can - Opener who attends all my needs , if not all my desires . To be candid , I will never pardon her for the Unfortunate Neutering Incident . But so not think I fail to earn my keep ( although I shouldn 't be compelled to do so ) . The C - O writes stories that become books that people like , and I add lustre to her career by hosting her website and blogging at StoryBroads . If she pleases me , I may learn to Tweet . I do wish she 'd write more stories about cats , however . Some appear in her books , but it is not a sufficiency . I was excited when she produced the Golden Leopard , Heart of the Tiger , and The Silver Lion . At last , cats are the stars of the story ! But nooo . They play a symbolic role , helping delineate the natures of the characters . Housecats play a part as well , and two of them save two of the humans . Later , in a different book , their kittens help bring two lovers together . I hope many kind humans will band together to save Miss Mousie . I shall certainly do my own part , as will my C - O . For now , it is my naptime . Au revoir , mais amis . This is Foxy . Although now deceased , she owned me for twenty years . Found her at the ASPCA when I went in just on a whim , with no intention of actually leaving with an animal . As I looked around , she began " talking " to me , and held her paw out for me to shake hands . She instantly licked my hand when I touched her paw . I asked one of the workers if they 'd let me hold her . Once the crate opened up , she literally leapt into my arms . She instantly began nuzzling my neck , and licked me , making me giggle . There was no way she was letting go . She 'd found her slave , and she was holding on to me for life . The vet estimated she was about six months old when I adopted her , and she was well over twenty years when she gave me the " I 'm ready " look that broke my heart . A long - haired calico , she became Foxy because her tail was so fluffy , and she had fox - like ears . And she was also wily as a fox , too . She knew exactly how to bend me to her will . I made a ton of tuna salad over those years because she loved lapping up the tuna juice and bits . Obviously , the sound of the can opener had her galloping to the kitchen from any corner of the house . She was the greatest kitty , right to the end . She put up with the dogs , often cleaning their eyes without complaint when they 'd nose her to do so . But as you can see , this was her favorite nap spot , as the sun warmed her and she could watch all of the birds flying around outside of the window . It 's been a few years , but she 's forever in my heart . Meet Phantom , the proud owner of Anne Stuart . . . I wandered onto the property of my pet , Anne , one fall afternoon . Foolish girl , she had an excitable dog and another cat at the time , and I was going to poke around and then move on when the daughter of the house appeared with cheese . I cannot resist cheese . So I allowed them to lure me in and what do you think the first thing they did was ? I do like to sleep on her stomach at night . I just curl right up and go to sleep , and fortunately she 's learned to sleep that way as well . I 'll settle for Richie if she 's away on a trip , but I do prefer her . She 's softer . I 'm not sure I 'm crazy about the name they gave me . When I 'd slip around outside they called me " The Gray Ghost , " which had a certain amount of dignity to it , and then they changed it to Phantom as a temporary moniker . Unfortunately they took one look at my face , which , as you may notice , has one side dark and one light , and decided Phantom would remain , since Anne 's sentimental and loves Phantom of the Opera . I forgive them , though , because they adore me , feed me Fancy Feast and never put me off their laps . When I 'm sitting on Anne ( or occasionally Richie ) they make the other one go and open the door so I 'll get up on my own . But they do know how fond I am of open doors . I 've never met one I haven 't adored . I can walk in the front door and go straight out the back if it 's open , which confuses Richie . Anne simply says " he 's a peripatetic kitty " and I thank God she didn 't name me that . She received a new medicine for her ears today . She doesn 't like it much but her vet thinks it will help with the swelling . Otherwise , she 's doing well . She has two more antibiotic pills to take and will continue with her daily ear drops . The best part is she 's back to acting like herself . She 's eating and climbing the cat tree to her fave spot and sleeping next to her daddy ! She 'd stopped doing these things a little over two weeks ago so we are thrilled to have her behavior back to normal ! Miss Mousie is a senior ( no - longer a foster ) cat from the West Columbia Gorge Humane Society in Washington who needed TECA ( Total Ear Canal Ablation ) surgery that was estimated to cost an estimated $ 5000 . We managed to find another clinic who would do it for under $ 4000 ! Her romance author mom enlisted the help of cat loving writers to help Miss Mousie and raised the necessary funds for the surgery in 2012 . Be sure to check out the Authors & Their Cats posts . Links below ! And her foster family has since become Miss Mousie 's forever family . Donate |
Rachel 's hands were numb . She 'd been washing dishes in ice cold water for hours , trying to keep apace of the frantic preparations happening in the kitchen . Her back hurt from emptying dirty water and fetching fresh for the never - ending stack of pots and dishes . She was hungry , too . There had only been time for a quick roll the housekeeper had given her as she was hurried off to the scullery to stand duty over the dishes . That had been hours before dawn , and it was now half past noon . No matter . Today was Christmas . Every Christmas , after the family was served , the staff got to enjoy their own feast . Her stomach growled in anticipation . She wondered what she would enjoy more , the roast goose or chestnut dressing . Maybe the broiled Salmon or sweet potato pie . " Rachel Douglas ! We 've no time for you to be daydreaming ! Cook needs those bowls and the pots right away ! " Mrs . Charles snapped as she hurried past the small scullery . Rachel dried her hands and gathered a stack of clean dishes to return to the kitchen . " Oh , do hurry up , girl . The family is expecting you to join them . You must never keep them waiting . " Rachel froze . " They want me to join them ? At dinner ? " She never ate with the family . And today , of all days to be invited to join them , when they had a dozen guests and all the leaves were in the table . And a five course meal was to be served . " But , I haven 't anything to wear , Mrs . Charles . I can 't join them . I would only embarrass them . " " Never mind that , girl , " Mrs . Charles waved off her concerns . " Your aunt has selected one of your cousin 's old dresses for you to wear . It 's quite a lovely dress , too , from what I hear . " She looked Rachel over once , frowning at what she saw . " Move along , now . Give yourself a quick wash else you 'll soil Miss Letiticia 's dress . Then present yourself in the dining room . The family will be seated within a half hour . " Rachel 's hands shook as she hurriedly returned Cook 's pots to the proper cabinets . She 'd lived at her aunt and uncle 's house in Georgetown since they had fetched her as an infant from her father 's ranch , twelve years ago . Twelve years , yet she had never once been invited to dine with the family . She 'd been working since the wee hours of morning , emptying chamber pots , setting coal fires in the bedrooms , and now scrubbing dishes . She was exhausted . And that was never a good state to face the family in . Much less the family and their twelve guests during a five course meal . Good heavens . She would ruin this chance , this one chance they had given her to become a member of their family . She fetched a fresh pitcher of wash water and hurried to her room . A dress had been laid out across her bed - - no - - an entire outfit with petticoats and under drawers and chemise and stockings and soft leather boots . There was even a ribbon for her hair . Rachel reached out to touch the outfit , worried it would disappear before her eyes , leaving her only her old staff uniform to join the family in for their formal gathering . Quickly , her mind ticking the seconds off as loudly as the grandfather clock in the entryway downstairs , Rachel stripped and bathed herself in the cold space of her attic room . Hurrying over to her bed , she wished she had time to admire the fine quality of her borrowed clothes . The family was waiting . She pulled the soft undergarments on , marveling at the softness of the cotton . It wasn 't scratchy like her rough woolen underclothes . She was dressed in no time , and quickly drew on Letiticia 's old boots . They were too large for her - - her cousin , a year older , was quite a bit taller than her - - with feet to match her size . Still , she was able to camouflage her small size with an artful tuck here and there and by drawing the bows at her waist rather tightly . She brushed her hair quickly , arranging it in a simple French braid , then tying it up with the ribbon . There ! She was ready ! She hurried down the servant 's stairs , wondering all the while if she would now be allowed to use the main staircase soon . Old Bascomb , her uncle 's handyman , had been brought inside , cleaned up a bit , dressed in a footman 's uniform , and given a station at the double doors to the dining room . Seeing her , his eyes lit up . He was one of the friendlier staff members . He let her hide in his workshop sometimes when she needed to a few minutes away from her chores or her cousins . He smiled at her now . She couldn 't resist doing a quick spin for him . He sniffled and pulled the smile off his face , straightening a little as he looked down at her . " You look like the lady you are , miss . " He bowed to her , then drew open the door and let her into the family 's formal dining room . Her uncle 's guests were just arranging themselves , having found their assigned seats . They laughed and chatted gaily . Rachel smiled . At last , she was one of the family ! She looked about nervously , tamping down a momentary flash of dread as she wondered where she was to sit . There was an empty seat next Mr . Tidwell , her cousins ' tutor . It was the only empty seat at the table , so she assumed it must be meant for her . Soundlessly , she slipped into the chair , not waiting for Mr . Tidwell or any of her aunt 's footmen to assist her . The tutor looked over at her . Surprise flashed across his face . He glanced at her fine clothes , and she felt her pride swell . At last , at long last , she had arrived at the very moment they had practiced for in the late hours of the evening . She wasn 't allowed to join her cousins in their school lessons , for they took place during the day when she had chores to do . But her evenings were hers to do with as she would , and Mr . Tidwell had been teaching her reading , writing , and mathematics for several years now . Recently , he 'd even begun on the social graces - - greeting people , making polite conversation , table etiquette . Before either of them could exchange a greeting , her aunt appeared behind her seat . " Good Heavens , child . Why ever are you sitting at our table ? " Rachel jumped to her feet . Her gaze briefly flew to her uncle as she assessed the situation . " Mrs . Charles said I was to join you , ma ' am . " Aunt Eunice 's eyes blazed . " Join us , yes . To attend your cousin , not participate in the meal , stupid girl , " she hissed , her lips draw back from her teeth as she leaned over Rachel . " You are to stand behind Cousin Letiticia and assist her with the various courses and fetch anything she might need . " Rachel 's cheeks blazed a brilliant hue of red . She hurried around the table , careful to take the long way around her uncle as she settled herself against the wall , behind her cousin 's chair . Vaguely she heard her aunt sneer something about the help these days . She stared at the ground , studying the scrolls and flowers of the antique carpet . The pattern wavered through the moisture in her eyes . Why had her father sent her here ? Why ? He loved her . She knew he did . He wrote to her every month . She 'd kept every single one of his letters . Had he received hers ? Had even one of them gotten past her aunt or uncle ? She was thirteen . In five years , she would leave this place . In five years , she promised herself , she would be free of this life and these people . Sid Taggert stood at the threshold of the Kessler 's store , waiting for his son , Brent , to enter . The boy stood before him with his arms crossed , his legs braced - - clearly he was not intending to do as he was told . He was the most ornery , stubborn , self - determined young man Sid had ever met . Sid closed the door behind him as he faced Brent in the cold space of the covered walkway outside the store . The boy 's mother , Isabel , had had the same pale amber eyes - rare and distinctive . Sid had known the boy was alive because he 'd caught rumors of a golden - eyed Indian over the years . Knowing his son lived was the only thing that kept Sid going after word reached him about the fate his wife suffered at the hands of the Sioux . For nearly fifteen years , Sid had searched for his wife and their son , praying to God and bargaining with the Devil , if only they would see fit to reunite him with his son . Looking at Brent 's hate - filled eyes , he figured they 'd both answered his pleas . He sighed and crossed the distance separating them . Brent never spoke to him . He insisted on going by another name . Sager . It made no sense to Sid ; it hurt , in fact . But in so many other ways , Sid found he was proud of the boy . Brent was strong . And he was brave . And he was just . Moments ago , he 'd been attacked by three of the sheriff 's men - - he could have done considerable damage when he had one of them down , pinned under his knife . But he hadn 't . He could have cried or run or cowered . But he hadn 't . The boy would become a man to be reckoned with , if only Sid could get through to him . Sid sighed , sending a look down the street behind the boy . " Come inside , boy . There 's no telling when the next band of the sheriff 's thugs will come by . I know that you don 't like buildings , but there 's nothing in the Kessler 's store that will hurt you . And I need to know you 're safe . " The boy didn 't move , didn 't show any sign he 'd heard Sid 's warning . Sid took a fistful of Brent 's jacket and dragged him across the boardwalk and into the store . He pulled him over to the side of the store , where a potbellied stove released much needed heat . The store wasn 't very crowded . There were two rancher 's wives chatting about some fabric with Sally Kessler , Sid 's stepson - - Logan , and Jim Kessler . Silence claimed the small space as Brent 's angry gaze touched each person . The boy stood stiff and aware , braced for action . The faces of the two women grew pale . They exchanged a hasty look , bid Sally good day , then scooted warily out of the store , careful to give Brent a wide berth . Sid sighed . Lifting his hat , he shoved a hand through his hair . He walked over to Jim , thinking the best approach was to ignore the boy , pretend things were normal . Jim went about the work of filling the Circle Bar supplies order , giving Sid a chance to observe his boys surreptitiously from beneath the brim of his hat . Little eight - year - old Logan came to stand next to Brent . He smiled tentatively and slowly reached up to take Brent 's hand . Brent looked at his brother , and Sid saw his face relax slightly . " We 're to pick a gift , Sager , " Logan explained as he began leading Brent over to a small section of the store where Jim had set up a few toys . " I like these . " Logan sat on the ground and showed Brent a set of toy US Calvary soldiers and their Indian counterparts . Sid cringed inwardly , fearing this would trigger another outbreak from Brent . The boy crouched next to Logan and picked up an Indian figure . He studied the piece for a moment , then looked at the remaining pieces of the set . His face looked bleak . " Which is the enemy , Logan ? " To his credit , Logan didn 't immediately answer . Sid saw him regarding the figurine Brent held . " I don 't know , Sager . Our soldiers protect us , so I know they 're good guys . But you 're an Indian , and you don 't seem so bad . " He looked at the expansive set . " My friend , Billy , says Indians are mean , butchering , sons of dogs . " He looked up at his brother . " Were they mean to you , Sager ? " Brent put the Indian warrior down . " They were my family . They were beloved . " He straightened and walked around the store , eventually coming to a stop by the front window . Logan came over to Sid . Sid gave himself a mental shake , clearing his mind to focus on his youngest child . He smiled as he lifted him to sit on the counter . " Have you found a toy you like , boy ? " He nodded . " I 'd like the soldiers and the Indians . " He looked over at his brother . " I think Sager 's too old for a toy , sir . Maybe he should have some saddle bags as a gift . " Sid felt truth of that statement like a fist in the gut . If he outfitted his son , the boy would leave him . But he couldn 't keep him against his will . How do you tame the wind ? Wind sheared a layer of snow from the overhang above , dusting Sager 's neck with ice crystals . He crossed his arms and braced his legs as he leaned against the roof support , refusing to acknowledge the cold as he glared at the door to Jim Kessler 's general store . Sid Taggert and Logan were inside , selecting gifts for the holiday they would celebrate in a couple of weeks . They had tried to get him to join them , but Sager disliked being in buildings . What he wanted most wasn 't something anyone could give him ; he wanted his life back - - his mother and his sister and his People . His vision blurred . He turned to look up at the brilliant blue sky , its color vivid against the fresh snow blanketing Defiance . " Well , lookee there , " a man 's voice sneered , drawing Sager 's attention to a trio of the sheriff 's men heading his way . " Guess Jim don 't let crazed Injuns in his store either . " " Hear Joe was mighty shook up after his run - in with the breed at the barber shop , " another of the men said . " He 's been shaking ever since . A man can 't get a good shave there no more . I reckon we ought to return the favor . " Sager remembered that day ; it wasn 't one he was especially proud of . Taggert had brought him into to town and left him at the barber 's for a haircut shortly after his encounter with Blue Thunder . Sager hadn 't understood at first what was expected of him . He sat in the barber 's odd chair and turned it around a few times , enjoying its strange mechanics . Joe , the barber , made him sit still and started clipping his hair . Sager stopped him . His hair was the way it was to show his mourning . He hadn 't wanted it trimmed . Joe didn 't take his response the right way . He 'd summoned a couple of men to restrain Sager . That 's when Sager broke . The next thing anyone knew , he had Joe on the floor with a straight razor at his throat . No one ever again attempted to trim his hair . Sager eyed the sheriff 's men as they came up the boardwalk and fanned out around him . He straightened , regretting the white man 's coat he wore . It was warmer than a blanket , true , but a whole lot less flexible for situations like this . He had a knife in a sheath at his hip that Taggert had given him . It was the one gift he 'd accepted from his mother 's murderer , one he would likely use to end Taggert 's life , when the time came . He flexed his hands , ready to pull the knife . He 'd learned much of the way white men fought from the many scuffles he 'd had at Taggert 's ranch . Though three against one were bad odds , Sager didn 't strike first . He deflected the first punch and struck the throat of one of his attackers . But the other two were on him quickly . In no time , they had him down . The third kicked at him , jamming his cowboy boot into Sager 's side . Sager wrapped his arms around the ribs of the one who was trying to strangle him , rolling him over to use as shield against the kicks of the other . He unsheathed his knife and shoved the blade into the man 's groin , just far enough to cause him a little pain and interrupt the choke hold he had on Sager 's neck . Pinning him this way was the only thing Sager could think of to hold the other men at bay . " Jaysus ! Stop ! Goddammit , stop ! " the man screamed against the hold Sager had on his Adam 's apple . " He 's got a goddamned knife in my balls , " he shouted to his friends , making them pause , one with his fist raised to batter at Sager 's head , the other readying for another kick . In the quiet that followed , the two took note of the third man 's precarious position . It was at that moment that Sid Taggert hurried out of the general store . He shoved his way through the suddenly still men . Sager looked up at him , wondering if now would be the time to kill the man who claimed to be his father . Taggert began cursing . He shoved one of the men off the boardwalk . The other quickly retreated . The third lay prone , utterly still beneath Sager 's knife . " Son - of - a - bitch , Taggert ! Call your breed off me ! " he squealed . Taggert crouched down , coming level with Sager , who watched him warily . Slowly , as if there were something feral about Sager , Taggert reached a hand out to his shoulder . " Let him go , son . It 's over . " Sager drew a ragged breath as he stared into his enemy 's eyes . He released his grip on the man 's throat at about the same time he withdrew his knife . The man leapt to his feet , cupping himself with one hand and shoving a finger at Taggert with the other . " You better keep that crazy Injun outta town , Taggert . Keep him in a cage if you have to . " Taggert lurched at the man , backing him into a support post and leaning against him . " He 's not an Indian , Hank . How many times do I have to tell you ? He 's my son . His mother was my wife . My white wife . He 's having a hard time adjusting to his new situation . You and your boys need to lay off him . Give him a chance to settle in . " The man named Hank pushed free . He twisted his head to the left and then the right , then shrugged his shoulders . " We were just walkin ' by , Taggert . We didn 't do nothing to him . Ain 't a body safe in this town when he 's around . Leave him home next time you come this way . " Taggert sighed as Hank rejoined his friends . He grabbed the door handle to the Kessler 's shop and opened the door . " Get inside , boy . " Sager wiped his blade on the sleeve of his coat , then sheathed it . He crossed his arms , braced his legs , and stayed right where he was , glaring at his enemy . Comment Life in the white man 's world begins . . . Eyes of the Wolf sat on his enemy 's horse , adrift in the endless hills of short grass . His brother 's brief pronouncement took his entire life from him , leaving him no future , no past , and no People . The braves who had accompanied his brother had already fanned out to take the news of his changed status to the neighboring villages . Soon , he would be invisible to them as well . " Your destiny lies among the white men , " his brother had said . But that was not a destiny he wanted . He didn 't know how to be a white man . He could speak English , somewhat - thanks to Albert Sager - - but he couldn 't write it . He knew how his People were treated in the white man 's towns . That was no way to live . The wind whispered there was one place he could go ; he could return to Sid Taggert . He could make his enemy teach him how to be a white man . It was nearly nightfall when Eyes of the Wolf rode into Sid Taggert 's ranch yard . Some of his enemy 's men moved about , tending to evening chores . They stopped and stared . One of them ran ahead of him and rushed inside Sid Taggert 's home . Eyes of the Wolf dismounted at the same corral he 'd taken his enemy 's horse from . He rubbed his mount down , then turned him out in the corral and fetched feed for him . Women 's work , but no female came forward to tend his horse . Several men drew near , gathering on either side of the drive that led to the house . Eyes of the Wolf walked between the two rows of men , looking at each one , judging the fight in him . No one challenged him , though some laughed and pointed at his hair . People had come out to the porch of the house - - Sid Taggert , a woman , the White Buffalo Boy , and others . The boy broke free of the woman 's hold and ran down the steps , stopping almost on top of Eyes of the Wolf 's feet . No . Eyes of the Wolf would live in his enemy 's home . He would learn the white man 's ways . But he would never be Brent Taggert . Sid Taggert was not his father : he was his mother 's murderer . He walked around the boy and approached the porch . Sid Taggert came down the steps toward him . Eyes of the Wolf kept his expression blank , weathering his enemy 's close inspection . Sid Taggert took hold of his shoulders in a talon - like grip . " You came home , Brent . You came back . " His words still made no sense to Eyes of the Wolf . This wasn 't home . It had never been home . Perhaps Sid Taggert mistook him for someone else . But why would he go to the People and steal a son when he already had one ? Eyes of the Wolf broke free , but Sid Taggert pulled him back . " Goddamn it ! You are my son . Do you hear me ? " As he shouted these words , puffs of hot breath buffeted Eyes of the Wolf 's face . " Your mother was pregnant when she was taken by the Sioux . I 've looked for you your whole life . It was a lie . His mother was dead . And Sid Taggert had killed her . He yanked free again , glaring at his enemy , then turned his back on him and walked toward the woman on the porch . She must be the White Buffalo Boy 's mother . With her gray eyes and flax - colored hair , she seemed made from moonlight and shadows . He stared at her , unable to comprehend such an ethereal appearance ; she was the most beautiful creature Eyes of the Wolf had ever seen . The pale expanse of her neck and upper chest was open to his gaze , and he took a long look . He moved up the steps , mesmerized , wanting to touch her , wondering what she smelled like . A desert rose , maybe , or wind from a snow - crested mountain . A breeze swept through the porch but did not disturb her tightly pinned hair . Beneath his perusal , her breathing quickened . He watched the soft flesh of her chest rise and fall . Women in his village did not show so much of themselves . Sid Taggert climbed the steps behind him . " This is your home , boy . You are Brent Taggert . " Eyes of the Wolf shut his eyes , closing his mind to the image of the woman . Names were as important to these people as they were to his own - - it was his first lesson . To appease them , Eyes of the Wolf decided he would indeed take a white man 's name - - but it would be a name of his choosing . There was only one white man he knew and respected . Eyes of the Wolf kept his back to his enemy as he held the gaze of the White Buffalo Boy 's mother . " I will be called Sager . " Eyes of the Wolf mourns his mother 's death . . . Night was falling . No one had yet come after him . Eyes of the Wolf ground - tethered his horse near a wide patch of grass by the bank of a narrow stream . He bathed , then took his knife and climbed to the top of a nearby sandstone bluff . Sitting cross - legged on the pebbly ground , he stared out at the softening vista as the sun behind him slowly set . Puffy clouds moved slowly across the sky , washed in brilliant hues of pink and orange and peach . His mother loved the corners of the day - dawn and sunset . She said they were gifts from the Great Spirit . Every morning and every evening she would lift her arms to embrace the colors of the sky , thanking Him for remembering her . Tears began to stream down Eyes of the Wolf 's face . He lifted his arms as his mother had done so many times , and the song of his sorrow began . His wails were loud and raw . They filled the canyon below , echoing and dissipating into the distance . Perhaps the wind carried them back to his enemy - - it didn 't matter . Eyes of the Wolf cared only that his mother 's spirit heard his sorrow . After a while , he had no more words to sing . The color had left the sky ; night had come . He thought of his years in the village , remembering things about his mother - - and his sister , too , who was so gravely injured during his abduction . He picked up his knife and sliced a chunk of his hair off , then dropped fistfuls of it into the wind . He repeated this as his mind moved through each memory . When dawn lightened the eastern sky , he had no more hair to trim and no more stories to remember . He had given his mother 's spirit his sorrow , but the void her absence left in his soul he would carry with him always . At least she was with his father and the Great Spirit . At least neither of them was alone now . He went back down to his horse . He dunked the dried loaf of bread in the stream to moisten it , then ate it and resumed his journey home . Two days later , as he crossed a vast plain of sweet grass , a rider appeared on the horizon . Eyes of the Wolf recognized his brother 's horse . The hills undulated in gentle slopes . He descended one , then moved up another . As he neared the top , he saw warriors from his village fan out to flank Blue Thunder . His brother 's ravaged hair told of his mourning . It was hard to look at him . Eyes of the Wolf pulled up facing the men . They didn 't wear war paint , which made their purpose in riding with Blue Thunder unclear . Surely his brother was riding for revenge ? " I have come home . I will join you , my brother , " Eyes of the Wolf declared . " No . " No ? " We have our mother 's death to avenge . " " Our sister , too , died from her wounds that day . But we will not seek more blood , " Blue Thunder said . " The deaths of the four are at hand . One will be bitten by the rattler . One will drink too much of the white man 's fire water and will fall from a cliff . One will be shot in a gambling disagreement . The fourth will have a riding accident and be dragged to his death . It is foretold . I come to witness these deaths . " " And what of Sid Taggert ? He sent those men . " " The one responsible will fight his own mind and lose . You yourself will come to tell me of this event many years from now . " So . There was no vengeance to be had . This did not sit well with Eyes of the Wolf , but he knew better than to disobey his brother . Blue Thunder was a powerful shaman , and his visions were never wrong . " Then I will return to the village now . " " No . " A wrinkle of fear knifed through Eyes of the Wolf 's skin . " No ? " " The village is no longer your home . " Blue Thunder 's calm words bore a finality that terrified Eyes of the Wolf . " It is my home , " he countered , embarrassed by the passion in his voice . " The People are no longer your people . " " They are my people . It is my home . " To be a person without people was to be dead while you still breathed . It was the thing Eyes of the Wolf feared above all else . Blue Thunder held up a hand , forestalling further argument . " If you go back , Sid Taggert will send more men . " " I will kill Sid Taggert , " Eyes of the Wolf vowed , making a violent slashing motion against his throat . " Then more men will come . It will not end unless it does so , now - - with you . " Eyes of the Wolf shook his head . " Don 't do this , Blue Thunder . Don 't send me away . I will be alone . " " Your destiny lies among the white men . It is time for you to meet it . " His brother 's face revealed no emotion . No regret . No anger . Nothing . Blue Thunder kneed his pony and moved down the hill in the direction Eyes of the Wolf had come from . His braves stayed behind . A stiff breeze swept through the valley , not quite a wind , but loud enough to make the mournful sound Eyes of the Wolf felt in his soul . He rode his horse along the line of the men , looking at each one . They were men he 'd known all his life . Honorable men . Strong warriors . None of them looked at him . He had become invisible to them . He could ride beyond them and return to the village . They would not stop him . They did not need to - - he would be invisible to the villagers as well . Dead , but not mourned . He turned his horse and looked for his brother , but he was gone . When he looked back to the braves , they were already riding away . Eyes of the Wolf was alone on the prairie , a man without a people . Comment Eyes of the Wolf leaves Sid Taggert 's home . . . Eyes of the Wolf paced the circumference of his hot , airless room , feeling the walls inch inward with every pass he made . The hard structure of Sid Taggert 's dwelling blocked the breeze and muted the sounds from outside . It was a bad place to be . He spent hours each day pacing , conditioning himself to walk on his injured feet . Though they had healed since he 'd been brought here , he had to be ready for the long walk home . It was a journey that would start tonight . Sid Taggert 's men left his door unlocked for the first time since his arrival last week . He eased his door open , revealing a long hallway with many doors . No lamps were lit . The only light came from the crisp blue moonlight behind him . He stepped into the hallway , distrustful of the shadows . His mind whispered every ghost story he 'd ever heard . If they lived anywhere , ghosts surely lived here , in the home of a man like Sid Taggert . Eyes of the Wolf made it to the stairs and slipped down them silently with his careful hunter 's stride . His senses were tuned to sounds before him , behind him , traps that would bind him to this dwelling forever . The lower part of Sid Taggert 's house had many rooms with much furniture . He wondered why white men couldn 't just sit on the floor . A dim light glowed around a corner ahead . He heard women 's voices speaking in Spanish . Eyes of the Wolf knew Spanish better than he knew English . Padre Xavier Francisco had taught all the people of the village his language so that he could tell them stories about the white man 's God . The English that Eyes of the Wolf knew came from Albert Sager , the trapper who traded with his village . Albert Sager was a much less frequent visitor , and so Eyes of the Wolf 's English was weaker than his Spanish . Eyes of the Wolf paused outside the door where the women worked . He could leave right now , but he needed a knife if he was to survive the trip home . And he was hungry . The smells coming from inside the room reminded him how little he 'd eaten over the past week . It would be a while before he would be a safe enough distance away that he could stop to hunt . He would eat , find a knife , then leave . A quick glance inside the room assured him the women were alone . The young one saw him first . She gasped , startling the old woman . The old woman moved to a steaming pot . That caught his attention . " Enough , muchacho . You will stop scaring Rosa . Come , take this bowl of stew . You must be hungry . You are too skinny . " Eyes of the Wolf crossed the room to the large black iron block where the old woman stirred a pot . He leaned forward and looked into its bubbling contents . He could not remember the last meal he 'd had that smelled so good . Yes , he could . His mother was the best cook in the village . But she would never again prepare a meal for him , or anyone , thanks to Sid Taggert . The old woman handed him a full bowl and motioned to him with her fingers , pinching them together and bringing them to her mouth to indicate that he should eat . He straightened , insulted she thought he didn 't understand her . " I am Eyes of the Wolf , son of Bear Talker and brother to Blue Thunder . I speak your language and that of my enemy , Sid Taggert . " The old woman drew herself up to the fullest height her rotund body allowed , which wasn 't quite to his shoulder . " I am Maria . I keep this house . You will respect me and all who serve here , muchacho - - including Rosa . " Eyes of the Wolf didn 't like being reprimanded . He glared at her , intending to out stare her , but his stomach picked an inopportune time to growl . He gave her the barest of nods . " I will eat your food . " Eyes of the Wolf took his bowl to the table . The girl brought him a board with a loaf of bread - and a knife . Disliking her persistent fear , he ignored her . She cut a chunk of bread and handed it to him . He took it without looking at her . Soon she and Maria were moving about the room , busy once again with their chores while he ate . He pulled the bread board toward him . The knife was sharp and would be useful on his journey home . When both women left the room , he slipped it into a sheath sewn in the calf of his pants . When they still had not returned , he took the remaining loaf of bread and walked out of the room . He moved through the dark house and out the front door , unchallenged . It was easy . Too easy . Where were Sid Taggert 's men ? Why wasn 't there anyone to stop him ? He walked to the closest corral that held horses . He assessed each of the half dozen geldings , surprised they were all in good health . Any one of them could carry him from here fast . He was glad he wouldn 't have to walk . One already wore a harness . He found a rope and attached it to the harness , then opened the gate and walked the horse out of the corral . His heart beat grew loud , filling his ears with its noise . Soon he would be free to mourn his mother and return to his people . He took a handful of mane and vaulted onto the horse 's back . Gentle pressure from his legs set his new mount in a quiet walk across the ranch yard . He kept that pace for a while , knowing the noise of a gallop Rachel and the Hired Gun Prequel 1 : Sager 's Beginning Years ago , when I was writing Rachel and the Hired Gun , I wrote some short vignettes about Sager , Rachel , and Sid Taggert . I was discovering how to learn about my characters - - how to listen to them . I thought I 'd share them with you here in case you 're interested in a bit of their backstory . Eyes of the Wolf stood as straight as the ropes binding him allowed . The hot summer wind dried the blood around his neck and wrists , gluing his flesh to the rope restraints . He looked at his surroundings , intent on finding escape . His captors had tried everything to prevent him from running . First they took his moccasins , then they bound him , and finally they stopped giving him water . They stood about him now , slouching and inattentive in the heat of the ranch yard . A man came out of the house , tall , with dark hair graying at the temples . Sid Taggert . He exchanged words with one of his men , then shoved him aside and walked to the edge of the porch . Sid Taggert stared at him a long moment . No one moved . No one spoke . Then he stepped hesitantly off the porch and barked an order at one of his men . Eyes of the Wolf made out the words " cut " and " rope . " The man argued . Impatient , Sid Taggert unsheathed his own knife . Eyes of the Wolf didn 't look at the knife , didn 't take his eyes from his mother 's murderer . Why he 'd been brought here , he didn 't understand . But if it was his time to die , he would do so like a man . Eyes of the Wolf felt the tremor in Sid Taggert 's hands as he sliced the taut rope that bound his feet to his hands and neck , keeping him hunched over . Sid Taggert 's knuckles dug into the raw flesh of his neck as he sawed at the rope . Freed , Eyes of the Wolf slowly straightened . His back spasmed , protesting the new position . At fourteen summers , Eyes of the Wolf was taller than most of the boys in his village . He was almost taller than his brother , Blue Thunder . He didn 't like being shorter than his enemy . Sid Taggert stared at him a long while , his eyes speaking lies that could not be believed . His hand came up to touch Eyes of the Wolf 's cheek . Eyes of the Wolf slapped it away , glaring his hatred at the man . " Good God . You are my son . You have your mother 's eyes . You are the very image of her . " Sid Taggert wept . What kind of man wept before his enemy ? " They did find you . You 're finally home . " Sid Taggert 's words made no sense to Eyes of the Wolf . He 'd been home when the murdering band of white savages had slaughtered his mother and injured his sister , shooting them in cold blood . Murderers who belonged to this man . Sid Taggert cupped Eyes of the Wolf 's face . Eyes of the Wolf jerked away . He took a step back . And another . Then spun on his heel and began to run , barefoot , across the ranch yard . The gravel and dried weed stalks hurt his scabbed feet , slowing him . One of his captors caught him , knocking him down . The man gripped his neck and slammed his head against the ground , shoving his face into the dirt and gravel . Dehydrated and weak , Eyes of the Wolf hadn 't much fight left in him . He grew still . Resisting was pointless . For now . He wouldn 't always be surrounded , watched . He would wait for that time . The man was suddenly yanked from his back . Eyes of the Wolf pushed himself up and turned over . He tried to spit out the grit , but his mouth was too dry . Sid Taggert and the man who had tackled Eyes of the Wolf shouted at each other . They spoke too fast . He couldn 't make sense of their words . One of the men went inside the house , and the others went to another building . Something moved into Eyes of the Wolf 's line of vision . The sun was in his eyes . He squinted to focus . A white buffalo . Blue Thunder had seen its coming . A white buffalo will stand between you and your enemy . Peace will follow when you hear the truth , he had said . This had long been foretold , but Eyes of the Wolf had forgotten it until now . " Who is he , father ? " Eyes of the Wolf heard the white buffalo say . He felt the hairs crawl up the back of his neck . Animals do not talk with white man 's words . The scene before him blurred . He blinked , but his eyes were too dry to clear his vision . " He is your brother , son , " Sid Taggert answered . Son . Eyes of the Wolf tried to focus again . The white buffalo moved toward him , resolving himself into a boy . Eyes of the Wolf had never seen a child so white . Hair the color of sand , skin like mother 's milk . It was a wonder he could live , being so colorless . But he wasn 't entirely colorless . His eyes were like a gray sky on a stormy day . If he was the white buffalo Blue Thunder had envisioned , he was a portent not of peace but of vindication . A humming started in Eyes of the Wolf 's head . The song of his ancestors . They were coming for him , coming to steal him from his enemy . Darkness shrouded his vision . As he surrendered to it , he wondered how it was that a murderer could have made a white buffalo child . No matter . One day , Eyes of the Wolf vowed , he would kill Sid Taggert . He would avenge his mother and sister . |
Rachel 's hands were numb . She 'd been washing dishes in ice cold water for hours , trying to keep apace of the frantic preparations happening in the kitchen . Her back hurt from emptying dirty water and fetching fresh for the never - ending stack of pots and dishes . She was hungry , too . There had only been time for a quick roll the housekeeper had given her as she was hurried off to the scullery to stand duty over the dishes . That had been hours before dawn , and it was now half past noon . No matter . Today was Christmas . Every Christmas , after the family was served , the staff got to enjoy their own feast . Her stomach growled in anticipation . She wondered what she would enjoy more , the roast goose or chestnut dressing . Maybe the broiled Salmon or sweet potato pie . " Rachel Douglas ! We 've no time for you to be daydreaming ! Cook needs those bowls and the pots right away ! " Mrs . Charles snapped as she hurried past the small scullery . Rachel dried her hands and gathered a stack of clean dishes to return to the kitchen . " Oh , do hurry up , girl . The family is expecting you to join them . You must never keep them waiting . " Rachel froze . " They want me to join them ? At dinner ? " She never ate with the family . And today , of all days to be invited to join them , when they had a dozen guests and all the leaves were in the table . And a five course meal was to be served . " But , I haven 't anything to wear , Mrs . Charles . I can 't join them . I would only embarrass them . " " Never mind that , girl , " Mrs . Charles waved off her concerns . " Your aunt has selected one of your cousin 's old dresses for you to wear . It 's quite a lovely dress , too , from what I hear . " She looked Rachel over once , frowning at what she saw . " Move along , now . Give yourself a quick wash else you 'll soil Miss Letiticia 's dress . Then present yourself in the dining room . The family will be seated within a half hour . " Rachel 's hands shook as she hurriedly returned Cook 's pots to the proper cabinets . She 'd lived at her aunt and uncle 's house in Georgetown since they had fetched her as an infant from her father 's ranch , twelve years ago . Twelve years , yet she had never once been invited to dine with the family . She 'd been working since the wee hours of morning , emptying chamber pots , setting coal fires in the bedrooms , and now scrubbing dishes . She was exhausted . And that was never a good state to face the family in . Much less the family and their twelve guests during a five course meal . Good heavens . She would ruin this chance , this one chance they had given her to become a member of their family . She fetched a fresh pitcher of wash water and hurried to her room . A dress had been laid out across her bed - - no - - an entire outfit with petticoats and under drawers and chemise and stockings and soft leather boots . There was even a ribbon for her hair . Rachel reached out to touch the outfit , worried it would disappear before her eyes , leaving her only her old staff uniform to join the family in for their formal gathering . Quickly , her mind ticking the seconds off as loudly as the grandfather clock in the entryway downstairs , Rachel stripped and bathed herself in the cold space of her attic room . Hurrying over to her bed , she wished she had time to admire the fine quality of her borrowed clothes . The family was waiting . She pulled the soft undergarments on , marveling at the softness of the cotton . It wasn 't scratchy like her rough woolen underclothes . She was dressed in no time , and quickly drew on Letiticia 's old boots . They were too large for her - - her cousin , a year older , was quite a bit taller than her - - with feet to match her size . Still , she was able to camouflage her small size with an artful tuck here and there and by drawing the bows at her waist rather tightly . She brushed her hair quickly , arranging it in a simple French braid , then tying it up with the ribbon . There ! She was ready ! She hurried down the servant 's stairs , wondering all the while if she would now be allowed to use the main staircase soon . Old Bascomb , her uncle 's handyman , had been brought inside , cleaned up a bit , dressed in a footman 's uniform , and given a station at the double doors to the dining room . Seeing her , his eyes lit up . He was one of the friendlier staff members . He let her hide in his workshop sometimes when she needed to a few minutes away from her chores or her cousins . He smiled at her now . She couldn 't resist doing a quick spin for him . He sniffled and pulled the smile off his face , straightening a little as he looked down at her . " You look like the lady you are , miss . " He bowed to her , then drew open the door and let her into the family 's formal dining room . Her uncle 's guests were just arranging themselves , having found their assigned seats . They laughed and chatted gaily . Rachel smiled . At last , she was one of the family ! She looked about nervously , tamping down a momentary flash of dread as she wondered where she was to sit . There was an empty seat next Mr . Tidwell , her cousins ' tutor . It was the only empty seat at the table , so she assumed it must be meant for her . Soundlessly , she slipped into the chair , not waiting for Mr . Tidwell or any of her aunt 's footmen to assist her . The tutor looked over at her . Surprise flashed across his face . He glanced at her fine clothes , and she felt her pride swell . At last , at long last , she had arrived at the very moment they had practiced for in the late hours of the evening . She wasn 't allowed to join her cousins in their school lessons , for they took place during the day when she had chores to do . But her evenings were hers to do with as she would , and Mr . Tidwell had been teaching her reading , writing , and mathematics for several years now . Recently , he 'd even begun on the social graces - - greeting people , making polite conversation , table etiquette . Before either of them could exchange a greeting , her aunt appeared behind her seat . " Good Heavens , child . Why ever are you sitting at our table ? " Rachel jumped to her feet . Her gaze briefly flew to her uncle as she assessed the situation . " Mrs . Charles said I was to join you , ma ' am . " Aunt Eunice 's eyes blazed . " Join us , yes . To attend your cousin , not participate in the meal , stupid girl , " she hissed , her lips draw back from her teeth as she leaned over Rachel . " You are to stand behind Cousin Letiticia and assist her with the various courses and fetch anything she might need . " Rachel 's cheeks blazed a brilliant hue of red . She hurried around the table , careful to take the long way around her uncle as she settled herself against the wall , behind her cousin 's chair . Vaguely she heard her aunt sneer something about the help these days . She stared at the ground , studying the scrolls and flowers of the antique carpet . The pattern wavered through the moisture in her eyes . Why had her father sent her here ? Why ? He loved her . She knew he did . He wrote to her every month . She 'd kept every single one of his letters . Had he received hers ? Had even one of them gotten past her aunt or uncle ? She was thirteen . In five years , she would leave this place . In five years , she promised herself , she would be free of this life and these people . Sid Taggert stood at the threshold of the Kessler 's store , waiting for his son , Brent , to enter . The boy stood before him with his arms crossed , his legs braced - - clearly he was not intending to do as he was told . He was the most ornery , stubborn , self - determined young man Sid had ever met . Sid closed the door behind him as he faced Brent in the cold space of the covered walkway outside the store . The boy 's mother , Isabel , had had the same pale amber eyes - rare and distinctive . Sid had known the boy was alive because he 'd caught rumors of a golden - eyed Indian over the years . Knowing his son lived was the only thing that kept Sid going after word reached him about the fate his wife suffered at the hands of the Sioux . For nearly fifteen years , Sid had searched for his wife and their son , praying to God and bargaining with the Devil , if only they would see fit to reunite him with his son . Looking at Brent 's hate - filled eyes , he figured they 'd both answered his pleas . He sighed and crossed the distance separating them . Brent never spoke to him . He insisted on going by another name . Sager . It made no sense to Sid ; it hurt , in fact . But in so many other ways , Sid found he was proud of the boy . Brent was strong . And he was brave . And he was just . Moments ago , he 'd been attacked by three of the sheriff 's men - - he could have done considerable damage when he had one of them down , pinned under his knife . But he hadn 't . He could have cried or run or cowered . But he hadn 't . The boy would become a man to be reckoned with , if only Sid could get through to him . Sid sighed , sending a look down the street behind the boy . " Come inside , boy . There 's no telling when the next band of the sheriff 's thugs will come by . I know that you don 't like buildings , but there 's nothing in the Kessler 's store that will hurt you . And I need to know you 're safe . " The boy didn 't move , didn 't show any sign he 'd heard Sid 's warning . Sid took a fistful of Brent 's jacket and dragged him across the boardwalk and into the store . He pulled him over to the side of the store , where a potbellied stove released much needed heat . The store wasn 't very crowded . There were two rancher 's wives chatting about some fabric with Sally Kessler , Sid 's stepson - - Logan , and Jim Kessler . Silence claimed the small space as Brent 's angry gaze touched each person . The boy stood stiff and aware , braced for action . The faces of the two women grew pale . They exchanged a hasty look , bid Sally good day , then scooted warily out of the store , careful to give Brent a wide berth . Sid sighed . Lifting his hat , he shoved a hand through his hair . He walked over to Jim , thinking the best approach was to ignore the boy , pretend things were normal . Jim went about the work of filling the Circle Bar supplies order , giving Sid a chance to observe his boys surreptitiously from beneath the brim of his hat . Little eight - year - old Logan came to stand next to Brent . He smiled tentatively and slowly reached up to take Brent 's hand . Brent looked at his brother , and Sid saw his face relax slightly . " We 're to pick a gift , Sager , " Logan explained as he began leading Brent over to a small section of the store where Jim had set up a few toys . " I like these . " Logan sat on the ground and showed Brent a set of toy US Calvary soldiers and their Indian counterparts . Sid cringed inwardly , fearing this would trigger another outbreak from Brent . The boy crouched next to Logan and picked up an Indian figure . He studied the piece for a moment , then looked at the remaining pieces of the set . His face looked bleak . " Which is the enemy , Logan ? " To his credit , Logan didn 't immediately answer . Sid saw him regarding the figurine Brent held . " I don 't know , Sager . Our soldiers protect us , so I know they 're good guys . But you 're an Indian , and you don 't seem so bad . " He looked at the expansive set . " My friend , Billy , says Indians are mean , butchering , sons of dogs . " He looked up at his brother . " Were they mean to you , Sager ? " Brent put the Indian warrior down . " They were my family . They were beloved . " He straightened and walked around the store , eventually coming to a stop by the front window . Logan came over to Sid . Sid gave himself a mental shake , clearing his mind to focus on his youngest child . He smiled as he lifted him to sit on the counter . " Have you found a toy you like , boy ? " He nodded . " I 'd like the soldiers and the Indians . " He looked over at his brother . " I think Sager 's too old for a toy , sir . Maybe he should have some saddle bags as a gift . " Sid felt truth of that statement like a fist in the gut . If he outfitted his son , the boy would leave him . But he couldn 't keep him against his will . How do you tame the wind ? Wind sheared a layer of snow from the overhang above , dusting Sager 's neck with ice crystals . He crossed his arms and braced his legs as he leaned against the roof support , refusing to acknowledge the cold as he glared at the door to Jim Kessler 's general store . Sid Taggert and Logan were inside , selecting gifts for the holiday they would celebrate in a couple of weeks . They had tried to get him to join them , but Sager disliked being in buildings . What he wanted most wasn 't something anyone could give him ; he wanted his life back - - his mother and his sister and his People . His vision blurred . He turned to look up at the brilliant blue sky , its color vivid against the fresh snow blanketing Defiance . " Well , lookee there , " a man 's voice sneered , drawing Sager 's attention to a trio of the sheriff 's men heading his way . " Guess Jim don 't let crazed Injuns in his store either . " " Hear Joe was mighty shook up after his run - in with the breed at the barber shop , " another of the men said . " He 's been shaking ever since . A man can 't get a good shave there no more . I reckon we ought to return the favor . " Sager remembered that day ; it wasn 't one he was especially proud of . Taggert had brought him into to town and left him at the barber 's for a haircut shortly after his encounter with Blue Thunder . Sager hadn 't understood at first what was expected of him . He sat in the barber 's odd chair and turned it around a few times , enjoying its strange mechanics . Joe , the barber , made him sit still and started clipping his hair . Sager stopped him . His hair was the way it was to show his mourning . He hadn 't wanted it trimmed . Joe didn 't take his response the right way . He 'd summoned a couple of men to restrain Sager . That 's when Sager broke . The next thing anyone knew , he had Joe on the floor with a straight razor at his throat . No one ever again attempted to trim his hair . Sager eyed the sheriff 's men as they came up the boardwalk and fanned out around him . He straightened , regretting the white man 's coat he wore . It was warmer than a blanket , true , but a whole lot less flexible for situations like this . He had a knife in a sheath at his hip that Taggert had given him . It was the one gift he 'd accepted from his mother 's murderer , one he would likely use to end Taggert 's life , when the time came . He flexed his hands , ready to pull the knife . He 'd learned much of the way white men fought from the many scuffles he 'd had at Taggert 's ranch . Though three against one were bad odds , Sager didn 't strike first . He deflected the first punch and struck the throat of one of his attackers . But the other two were on him quickly . In no time , they had him down . The third kicked at him , jamming his cowboy boot into Sager 's side . Sager wrapped his arms around the ribs of the one who was trying to strangle him , rolling him over to use as shield against the kicks of the other . He unsheathed his knife and shoved the blade into the man 's groin , just far enough to cause him a little pain and interrupt the choke hold he had on Sager 's neck . Pinning him this way was the only thing Sager could think of to hold the other men at bay . " Jaysus ! Stop ! Goddammit , stop ! " the man screamed against the hold Sager had on his Adam 's apple . " He 's got a goddamned knife in my balls , " he shouted to his friends , making them pause , one with his fist raised to batter at Sager 's head , the other readying for another kick . In the quiet that followed , the two took note of the third man 's precarious position . It was at that moment that Sid Taggert hurried out of the general store . He shoved his way through the suddenly still men . Sager looked up at him , wondering if now would be the time to kill the man who claimed to be his father . Taggert began cursing . He shoved one of the men off the boardwalk . The other quickly retreated . The third lay prone , utterly still beneath Sager 's knife . " Son - of - a - bitch , Taggert ! Call your breed off me ! " he squealed . Taggert crouched down , coming level with Sager , who watched him warily . Slowly , as if there were something feral about Sager , Taggert reached a hand out to his shoulder . " Let him go , son . It 's over . " Sager drew a ragged breath as he stared into his enemy 's eyes . He released his grip on the man 's throat at about the same time he withdrew his knife . The man leapt to his feet , cupping himself with one hand and shoving a finger at Taggert with the other . " You better keep that crazy Injun outta town , Taggert . Keep him in a cage if you have to . " Taggert lurched at the man , backing him into a support post and leaning against him . " He 's not an Indian , Hank . How many times do I have to tell you ? He 's my son . His mother was my wife . My white wife . He 's having a hard time adjusting to his new situation . You and your boys need to lay off him . Give him a chance to settle in . " The man named Hank pushed free . He twisted his head to the left and then the right , then shrugged his shoulders . " We were just walkin ' by , Taggert . We didn 't do nothing to him . Ain 't a body safe in this town when he 's around . Leave him home next time you come this way . " Taggert sighed as Hank rejoined his friends . He grabbed the door handle to the Kessler 's shop and opened the door . " Get inside , boy . " Sager wiped his blade on the sleeve of his coat , then sheathed it . He crossed his arms , braced his legs , and stayed right where he was , glaring at his enemy . Comment Life in the white man 's world begins . . . Eyes of the Wolf sat on his enemy 's horse , adrift in the endless hills of short grass . His brother 's brief pronouncement took his entire life from him , leaving him no future , no past , and no People . The braves who had accompanied his brother had already fanned out to take the news of his changed status to the neighboring villages . Soon , he would be invisible to them as well . " Your destiny lies among the white men , " his brother had said . But that was not a destiny he wanted . He didn 't know how to be a white man . He could speak English , somewhat - thanks to Albert Sager - - but he couldn 't write it . He knew how his People were treated in the white man 's towns . That was no way to live . The wind whispered there was one place he could go ; he could return to Sid Taggert . He could make his enemy teach him how to be a white man . It was nearly nightfall when Eyes of the Wolf rode into Sid Taggert 's ranch yard . Some of his enemy 's men moved about , tending to evening chores . They stopped and stared . One of them ran ahead of him and rushed inside Sid Taggert 's home . Eyes of the Wolf dismounted at the same corral he 'd taken his enemy 's horse from . He rubbed his mount down , then turned him out in the corral and fetched feed for him . Women 's work , but no female came forward to tend his horse . Several men drew near , gathering on either side of the drive that led to the house . Eyes of the Wolf walked between the two rows of men , looking at each one , judging the fight in him . No one challenged him , though some laughed and pointed at his hair . People had come out to the porch of the house - - Sid Taggert , a woman , the White Buffalo Boy , and others . The boy broke free of the woman 's hold and ran down the steps , stopping almost on top of Eyes of the Wolf 's feet . No . Eyes of the Wolf would live in his enemy 's home . He would learn the white man 's ways . But he would never be Brent Taggert . Sid Taggert was not his father : he was his mother 's murderer . He walked around the boy and approached the porch . Sid Taggert came down the steps toward him . Eyes of the Wolf kept his expression blank , weathering his enemy 's close inspection . Sid Taggert took hold of his shoulders in a talon - like grip . " You came home , Brent . You came back . " His words still made no sense to Eyes of the Wolf . This wasn 't home . It had never been home . Perhaps Sid Taggert mistook him for someone else . But why would he go to the People and steal a son when he already had one ? Eyes of the Wolf broke free , but Sid Taggert pulled him back . " Goddamn it ! You are my son . Do you hear me ? " As he shouted these words , puffs of hot breath buffeted Eyes of the Wolf 's face . " Your mother was pregnant when she was taken by the Sioux . I 've looked for you your whole life . It was a lie . His mother was dead . And Sid Taggert had killed her . He yanked free again , glaring at his enemy , then turned his back on him and walked toward the woman on the porch . She must be the White Buffalo Boy 's mother . With her gray eyes and flax - colored hair , she seemed made from moonlight and shadows . He stared at her , unable to comprehend such an ethereal appearance ; she was the most beautiful creature Eyes of the Wolf had ever seen . The pale expanse of her neck and upper chest was open to his gaze , and he took a long look . He moved up the steps , mesmerized , wanting to touch her , wondering what she smelled like . A desert rose , maybe , or wind from a snow - crested mountain . A breeze swept through the porch but did not disturb her tightly pinned hair . Beneath his perusal , her breathing quickened . He watched the soft flesh of her chest rise and fall . Women in his village did not show so much of themselves . Sid Taggert climbed the steps behind him . " This is your home , boy . You are Brent Taggert . " Eyes of the Wolf shut his eyes , closing his mind to the image of the woman . Names were as important to these people as they were to his own - - it was his first lesson . To appease them , Eyes of the Wolf decided he would indeed take a white man 's name - - but it would be a name of his choosing . There was only one white man he knew and respected . Eyes of the Wolf kept his back to his enemy as he held the gaze of the White Buffalo Boy 's mother . " I will be called Sager . " Eyes of the Wolf mourns his mother 's death . . . Night was falling . No one had yet come after him . Eyes of the Wolf ground - tethered his horse near a wide patch of grass by the bank of a narrow stream . He bathed , then took his knife and climbed to the top of a nearby sandstone bluff . Sitting cross - legged on the pebbly ground , he stared out at the softening vista as the sun behind him slowly set . Puffy clouds moved slowly across the sky , washed in brilliant hues of pink and orange and peach . His mother loved the corners of the day - dawn and sunset . She said they were gifts from the Great Spirit . Every morning and every evening she would lift her arms to embrace the colors of the sky , thanking Him for remembering her . Tears began to stream down Eyes of the Wolf 's face . He lifted his arms as his mother had done so many times , and the song of his sorrow began . His wails were loud and raw . They filled the canyon below , echoing and dissipating into the distance . Perhaps the wind carried them back to his enemy - - it didn 't matter . Eyes of the Wolf cared only that his mother 's spirit heard his sorrow . After a while , he had no more words to sing . The color had left the sky ; night had come . He thought of his years in the village , remembering things about his mother - - and his sister , too , who was so gravely injured during his abduction . He picked up his knife and sliced a chunk of his hair off , then dropped fistfuls of it into the wind . He repeated this as his mind moved through each memory . When dawn lightened the eastern sky , he had no more hair to trim and no more stories to remember . He had given his mother 's spirit his sorrow , but the void her absence left in his soul he would carry with him always . At least she was with his father and the Great Spirit . At least neither of them was alone now . He went back down to his horse . He dunked the dried loaf of bread in the stream to moisten it , then ate it and resumed his journey home . Two days later , as he crossed a vast plain of sweet grass , a rider appeared on the horizon . Eyes of the Wolf recognized his brother 's horse . The hills undulated in gentle slopes . He descended one , then moved up another . As he neared the top , he saw warriors from his village fan out to flank Blue Thunder . His brother 's ravaged hair told of his mourning . It was hard to look at him . Eyes of the Wolf pulled up facing the men . They didn 't wear war paint , which made their purpose in riding with Blue Thunder unclear . Surely his brother was riding for revenge ? " I have come home . I will join you , my brother , " Eyes of the Wolf declared . " No . " No ? " We have our mother 's death to avenge . " " Our sister , too , died from her wounds that day . But we will not seek more blood , " Blue Thunder said . " The deaths of the four are at hand . One will be bitten by the rattler . One will drink too much of the white man 's fire water and will fall from a cliff . One will be shot in a gambling disagreement . The fourth will have a riding accident and be dragged to his death . It is foretold . I come to witness these deaths . " " And what of Sid Taggert ? He sent those men . " " The one responsible will fight his own mind and lose . You yourself will come to tell me of this event many years from now . " So . There was no vengeance to be had . This did not sit well with Eyes of the Wolf , but he knew better than to disobey his brother . Blue Thunder was a powerful shaman , and his visions were never wrong . " Then I will return to the village now . " " No . " A wrinkle of fear knifed through Eyes of the Wolf 's skin . " No ? " " The village is no longer your home . " Blue Thunder 's calm words bore a finality that terrified Eyes of the Wolf . " It is my home , " he countered , embarrassed by the passion in his voice . " The People are no longer your people . " " They are my people . It is my home . " To be a person without people was to be dead while you still breathed . It was the thing Eyes of the Wolf feared above all else . Blue Thunder held up a hand , forestalling further argument . " If you go back , Sid Taggert will send more men . " " I will kill Sid Taggert , " Eyes of the Wolf vowed , making a violent slashing motion against his throat . " Then more men will come . It will not end unless it does so , now - - with you . " Eyes of the Wolf shook his head . " Don 't do this , Blue Thunder . Don 't send me away . I will be alone . " " Your destiny lies among the white men . It is time for you to meet it . " His brother 's face revealed no emotion . No regret . No anger . Nothing . Blue Thunder kneed his pony and moved down the hill in the direction Eyes of the Wolf had come from . His braves stayed behind . A stiff breeze swept through the valley , not quite a wind , but loud enough to make the mournful sound Eyes of the Wolf felt in his soul . He rode his horse along the line of the men , looking at each one . They were men he 'd known all his life . Honorable men . Strong warriors . None of them looked at him . He had become invisible to them . He could ride beyond them and return to the village . They would not stop him . They did not need to - - he would be invisible to the villagers as well . Dead , but not mourned . He turned his horse and looked for his brother , but he was gone . When he looked back to the braves , they were already riding away . Eyes of the Wolf was alone on the prairie , a man without a people . Comment Eyes of the Wolf leaves Sid Taggert 's home . . . Eyes of the Wolf paced the circumference of his hot , airless room , feeling the walls inch inward with every pass he made . The hard structure of Sid Taggert 's dwelling blocked the breeze and muted the sounds from outside . It was a bad place to be . He spent hours each day pacing , conditioning himself to walk on his injured feet . Though they had healed since he 'd been brought here , he had to be ready for the long walk home . It was a journey that would start tonight . Sid Taggert 's men left his door unlocked for the first time since his arrival last week . He eased his door open , revealing a long hallway with many doors . No lamps were lit . The only light came from the crisp blue moonlight behind him . He stepped into the hallway , distrustful of the shadows . His mind whispered every ghost story he 'd ever heard . If they lived anywhere , ghosts surely lived here , in the home of a man like Sid Taggert . Eyes of the Wolf made it to the stairs and slipped down them silently with his careful hunter 's stride . His senses were tuned to sounds before him , behind him , traps that would bind him to this dwelling forever . The lower part of Sid Taggert 's house had many rooms with much furniture . He wondered why white men couldn 't just sit on the floor . A dim light glowed around a corner ahead . He heard women 's voices speaking in Spanish . Eyes of the Wolf knew Spanish better than he knew English . Padre Xavier Francisco had taught all the people of the village his language so that he could tell them stories about the white man 's God . The English that Eyes of the Wolf knew came from Albert Sager , the trapper who traded with his village . Albert Sager was a much less frequent visitor , and so Eyes of the Wolf 's English was weaker than his Spanish . Eyes of the Wolf paused outside the door where the women worked . He could leave right now , but he needed a knife if he was to survive the trip home . And he was hungry . The smells coming from inside the room reminded him how little he 'd eaten over the past week . It would be a while before he would be a safe enough distance away that he could stop to hunt . He would eat , find a knife , then leave . A quick glance inside the room assured him the women were alone . The young one saw him first . She gasped , startling the old woman . The old woman moved to a steaming pot . That caught his attention . " Enough , muchacho . You will stop scaring Rosa . Come , take this bowl of stew . You must be hungry . You are too skinny . " Eyes of the Wolf crossed the room to the large black iron block where the old woman stirred a pot . He leaned forward and looked into its bubbling contents . He could not remember the last meal he 'd had that smelled so good . Yes , he could . His mother was the best cook in the village . But she would never again prepare a meal for him , or anyone , thanks to Sid Taggert . The old woman handed him a full bowl and motioned to him with her fingers , pinching them together and bringing them to her mouth to indicate that he should eat . He straightened , insulted she thought he didn 't understand her . " I am Eyes of the Wolf , son of Bear Talker and brother to Blue Thunder . I speak your language and that of my enemy , Sid Taggert . " The old woman drew herself up to the fullest height her rotund body allowed , which wasn 't quite to his shoulder . " I am Maria . I keep this house . You will respect me and all who serve here , muchacho - - including Rosa . " Eyes of the Wolf didn 't like being reprimanded . He glared at her , intending to out stare her , but his stomach picked an inopportune time to growl . He gave her the barest of nods . " I will eat your food . " Eyes of the Wolf took his bowl to the table . The girl brought him a board with a loaf of bread - and a knife . Disliking her persistent fear , he ignored her . She cut a chunk of bread and handed it to him . He took it without looking at her . Soon she and Maria were moving about the room , busy once again with their chores while he ate . He pulled the bread board toward him . The knife was sharp and would be useful on his journey home . When both women left the room , he slipped it into a sheath sewn in the calf of his pants . When they still had not returned , he took the remaining loaf of bread and walked out of the room . He moved through the dark house and out the front door , unchallenged . It was easy . Too easy . Where were Sid Taggert 's men ? Why wasn 't there anyone to stop him ? He walked to the closest corral that held horses . He assessed each of the half dozen geldings , surprised they were all in good health . Any one of them could carry him from here fast . He was glad he wouldn 't have to walk . One already wore a harness . He found a rope and attached it to the harness , then opened the gate and walked the horse out of the corral . His heart beat grew loud , filling his ears with its noise . Soon he would be free to mourn his mother and return to his people . He took a handful of mane and vaulted onto the horse 's back . Gentle pressure from his legs set his new mount in a quiet walk across the ranch yard . He kept that pace for a while , knowing the noise of a gallop Rachel and the Hired Gun Prequel 1 : Sager 's Beginning Years ago , when I was writing Rachel and the Hired Gun , I wrote some short vignettes about Sager , Rachel , and Sid Taggert . I was discovering how to learn about my characters - - how to listen to them . I thought I 'd share them with you here in case you 're interested in a bit of their backstory . Eyes of the Wolf stood as straight as the ropes binding him allowed . The hot summer wind dried the blood around his neck and wrists , gluing his flesh to the rope restraints . He looked at his surroundings , intent on finding escape . His captors had tried everything to prevent him from running . First they took his moccasins , then they bound him , and finally they stopped giving him water . They stood about him now , slouching and inattentive in the heat of the ranch yard . A man came out of the house , tall , with dark hair graying at the temples . Sid Taggert . He exchanged words with one of his men , then shoved him aside and walked to the edge of the porch . Sid Taggert stared at him a long moment . No one moved . No one spoke . Then he stepped hesitantly off the porch and barked an order at one of his men . Eyes of the Wolf made out the words " cut " and " rope . " The man argued . Impatient , Sid Taggert unsheathed his own knife . Eyes of the Wolf didn 't look at the knife , didn 't take his eyes from his mother 's murderer . Why he 'd been brought here , he didn 't understand . But if it was his time to die , he would do so like a man . Eyes of the Wolf felt the tremor in Sid Taggert 's hands as he sliced the taut rope that bound his feet to his hands and neck , keeping him hunched over . Sid Taggert 's knuckles dug into the raw flesh of his neck as he sawed at the rope . Freed , Eyes of the Wolf slowly straightened . His back spasmed , protesting the new position . At fourteen summers , Eyes of the Wolf was taller than most of the boys in his village . He was almost taller than his brother , Blue Thunder . He didn 't like being shorter than his enemy . Sid Taggert stared at him a long while , his eyes speaking lies that could not be believed . His hand came up to touch Eyes of the Wolf 's cheek . Eyes of the Wolf slapped it away , glaring his hatred at the man . " Good God . You are my son . You have your mother 's eyes . You are the very image of her . " Sid Taggert wept . What kind of man wept before his enemy ? " They did find you . You 're finally home . " Sid Taggert 's words made no sense to Eyes of the Wolf . He 'd been home when the murdering band of white savages had slaughtered his mother and injured his sister , shooting them in cold blood . Murderers who belonged to this man . Sid Taggert cupped Eyes of the Wolf 's face . Eyes of the Wolf jerked away . He took a step back . And another . Then spun on his heel and began to run , barefoot , across the ranch yard . The gravel and dried weed stalks hurt his scabbed feet , slowing him . One of his captors caught him , knocking him down . The man gripped his neck and slammed his head against the ground , shoving his face into the dirt and gravel . Dehydrated and weak , Eyes of the Wolf hadn 't much fight left in him . He grew still . Resisting was pointless . For now . He wouldn 't always be surrounded , watched . He would wait for that time . The man was suddenly yanked from his back . Eyes of the Wolf pushed himself up and turned over . He tried to spit out the grit , but his mouth was too dry . Sid Taggert and the man who had tackled Eyes of the Wolf shouted at each other . They spoke too fast . He couldn 't make sense of their words . One of the men went inside the house , and the others went to another building . Something moved into Eyes of the Wolf 's line of vision . The sun was in his eyes . He squinted to focus . A white buffalo . Blue Thunder had seen its coming . A white buffalo will stand between you and your enemy . Peace will follow when you hear the truth , he had said . This had long been foretold , but Eyes of the Wolf had forgotten it until now . " Who is he , father ? " Eyes of the Wolf heard the white buffalo say . He felt the hairs crawl up the back of his neck . Animals do not talk with white man 's words . The scene before him blurred . He blinked , but his eyes were too dry to clear his vision . " He is your brother , son , " Sid Taggert answered . Son . Eyes of the Wolf tried to focus again . The white buffalo moved toward him , resolving himself into a boy . Eyes of the Wolf had never seen a child so white . Hair the color of sand , skin like mother 's milk . It was a wonder he could live , being so colorless . But he wasn 't entirely colorless . His eyes were like a gray sky on a stormy day . If he was the white buffalo Blue Thunder had envisioned , he was a portent not of peace but of vindication . A humming started in Eyes of the Wolf 's head . The song of his ancestors . They were coming for him , coming to steal him from his enemy . Darkness shrouded his vision . As he surrendered to it , he wondered how it was that a murderer could have made a white buffalo child . No matter . One day , Eyes of the Wolf vowed , he would kill Sid Taggert . He would avenge his mother and sister . |
My friends and I always planned to go to junior prom , with or without dates . I was going to keep it a secret from my mom , who didn 't think I should go . I even bought my dress and ticket before she found out . She still refused and we got into a huge argument until I called Jenna crying about it and she had her aunt , who she lived with , talk to and convince my mom to let me go . Obviously , I 'd be going with a date . Jenna and Gabe went together , Melanie took an older guy she was dating , and pretty much everyone else went stag . We rented a limo . It was the first , and probably the last time I 've ever been in one for a happy occasion . The night was pretty uneventful . Jenna and I got mad at Melanie because she grinded up on both our dates , while practically ignoring her boyfriend . I think I ate more food than I danced . There was an awesome nacho bar . We all got pictures , we wanted to remember the night forever . I actually still have my copy . I got one group picture with my friends , and a couple - y picture of me and Caleb . I " accidentally " lost the one of me and Caleb after I left him that last time . After prom , there was a " Post Prom " at the school that we 'd decided to go to . We weren 't the type of hotel - after - prom teenagers . Towards the end of prom , Caleb told me he didn 't want to go to post prom and tried to get me to go to a hotel with him anyways . I refused and told him I didn 't care if he went to post prom or not , I wasn 't gonna let him ruin my night with my friends . But , of course I was upset until he finally showed up at post prom . We decided to go swimming , one of the activities they offered that night . Caleb got mad for something I said and refused to get in the pool . I tried getting out to go talk to him and find out what was wrong , but he pushed me . I almost hit my head on the bottom since it was the shallow end . The teacher who was supervising saw and he got kicked out for the night . They wouldn 't let me leave to go with him . He broke up with me , saying I didn 't want to leave . He turned off his phone and told me he didn 't want to talk anymore . He said if I ever called him again , he 'd kill me . Monday morning following prom , he acted like nothing had happened and we were still together . I didn 't complain , I just went along with it . My friends were mad that I 'd gotten back together with him , they saw the way he shoved me into the pool . I told them I lCar Accident Caleb just got his licence and car , and right away my mom enlisted in his help to get me too and from to work that summer . I 'd just found that I love Taco Bell , a food that I refused to try until recently . So we made it a habit to stopping there for food before he 'd drop me off for my shift . The car he 'd bought was a piece of crap and I hated it . It was a nasty shade of green . I was cautious of even riding in it because I 'd heard nothing but negative things about green cars . There was something wrong with it since it didn 't want to start and stay running half the time . It decided to act up in the Taco Bell parking lot that day . It was July 17th and I was scheduled for the 4 - 8 shift that night . I was already cutting it close so I told him I 'd walk over to work since it was only 2 blocks behind us . I was afraid though because the intersections I 'd have to cross were 2 of the busiest in the area . Halfway across the parking lot , I heard him screaming . I thought it was at me so I turned and headed back . He had somehow managed to crack the windshield . He punched it because he 'd been so mad it wouldn 't start , which it ironically did start after that . I said bye to him and said I 'd see him later but he told me to just get in and he 'd take me over to work . I got in , but voiced my concern about the windshield . He said it was nothing . We had to cross 3 lanes to get over to the turning lane for the next street where my work building was . He was so upset he was shaking and not paying attention . A car had to slam on the breaks , otherwise it would have taken out the back bumper . I put my seat belt on , work wasn 't even a minute away but I was terrified . He maneuvered the car into the turning lane . The light was red , but green for the straight lanes . He didn 't look like he should have . He didn 't even stop . He just went ahead to make the turn , and I saw a car coming at us . I put my left arm out to grab the wheel and moved my right one from the window , to across my lap . I didn 't even hear the crash , I blacked out from fear rather than impact . It was only for a few seconds though . I woke up screaming without even comprehending what had happened . Caleb was screaming at someone and trying to rip off the door on my side . The front end of the other car had hit directly on the passenger side where I was . I kept screaming while he tried talking to me , telling me to calm down . He found my glasses , they 'd been knocked off on impact , and put them back on , but it did nothing to help my vision . My eyes had boggled around on impact . I remember a woman asking if I was pregnant , I think it was the other driver . She later called me in the hospital to tell me she was glad I was okay . There were suddenly cops , a fire truck and ambulance there . They tried to pry the door off but it wouldn 't budge . Someone threw a blanket over me and told me not to push it off . They had to rip off the roof of the car to get me out . It 's a sound I 'll never forget , it makes me sick and want to scream just sitting here writing about it . I screamed some more , it 's very traumatizing , to realize that you 've just been in an accident and that they 're literally having to cut you out of it . Someone took the blanket and told me that they were going to slide a board on my back and pull me up onto it . They told me not to move . The pain I felt when they moved me was even worse thCan you believe that I tried to push the emergency people off of me and told them to turn around because I had to go to work and didn 't want them mad at me ? They either thought my brain got smashed around inside my skull , but they didn 't say anything , they just kept checking me . I pushed one of them away and sat up , until I screamed in pain anyways . They told me I had to lay still . I told them I was going to go to sleep but they told me I wasn 't aloud to . They asked why I wanted to sleep and I told them " It 'll take away the pain " . They again told me I couldn 't sleep yet . I think I passed out anyways because I remember nothing more until we got to the hospital . I knew we were in the E . R . but couldn 't tell anything more than that . I was alone and started asking for my mom and Caleb . No one payed me any attention . When my mom did get there , I was so scared . I started crying and asked her not to hate me because I loved her and didn 't want to make her mad . She told me not to worry about anything right then and that we 'd talk later . My step - dad , who took the call from Caleb about the accident is the one who called and told my mom . He loaded up his son and daughter in the van he had and headed for the hospital where Caleb said they were taking me . He later told me that when they were almost there , they were stopped at a red light , and watched my mom run a yellow one with a cop behind her , his lights lit up . I 'm not sure if the cop part is true , but my mom told me she hit 80 on her way to the hospital . My mom sat with me while we waited to get x - rays done . I couldn 't move , I was still strapped to the board . They had to insert a catheter since I kept complaining about having to pee . After they had taken the x - rays , Caleb and his parents showed up and waited with us for a little while . I didn 't want him to leave and made him hold my hand . I 'm not sure what my mom said to his parents but they left not long after getting there . It was determined that I had a fractured tailbone , and fractured right hip . If I wouldn 't have put my seat belt on before the turn , I would have been launched out the driver side window and most likely died . I spent 3 days in the hospital for observation . Caleb came to see me each day , even though my mom didn 't want him there . She filed a Restraining Order against him the very next day . After I found out , I did everything to defy it anyways . Only one friend bothered to call me in the hospital , Kaylee . She called once every day , each time apologizing for not being able to make it in to see me . She was younger than me and her mom wasn 't much for takiI didn 't really have physical therapy but I do remember having to see some sort of specialist to make sure my fractures were healing on their own . The doctors there told me that I 'd be lucky if I ever got pregnant and delivered a baby without any complications . But I think doctors just say that kind of stuff to try and restore your faith in them when you overcome what they say was impossible . ( I say this because I am now a married mother of 2 and pregnant with a third . ) I spent nearly another 2 years with Caleb before gaining the sense to leave . I never forgave him for the accident . Oh , and I refuse to get into any green colored cars . I always wear my seat belt and refuse to drive without everyone in my vehicle wearing theirs . I double check my kids ' seat belts before going anywhere . After one particularly bad fight , he came into school acting as though he couldn 't see or hear me . I spent all of first period in the guidance counselors office bawling my eyes out . I couldn 't stop crying long enough to tell them what was wrong so they just let me cry it out and sent me off when the bell rang for second period . I saw him in the hallway and tried to get his attention . He just kept walking , staring straight ahead with a stupid smirk on his face . I hated him and wanted to hurt him so I did . I shoved him against a locker and smacked him across the face , knocking his glasses clear across the hallway . He laughed and called me a pathetic stalker , which sent me into another bout of crying . A teacher found us there and led me back to the very office I 'd just left . I confessed to slapping him , told them why I did it and everything . I didn 't get suspended , but they did call my mom and she took me out of school for the rest of the day . She didn 't head for home and when asked , just told me we were going for a drive . She ended up taking me to the hospital for a psychological evaluation . They wanted to admit me to the hospital but I refused . I didn 't want people poking and prodding me for information . Plus , how embarrassing would that be to tell friends and co - workers ? We decided that I 'd have therapy once a week to talk to someone . I refused to talk at first , insisting that I didn 't need therapy . I was put on Prozac and , once mom found my razor blades , they were confiscated . I still struggled with that though , I 'd grown accustomed to the feeling of the blade cutting my skin . I liked to see my blood . I started using regular shaving razors , until they too were taken , and I could only shave while my mom was in the room with me . In the past year and a half , I was more so a shell of myself . It wasn 't solely Caleb 's fault , but he was a big part of it . In middle school , I used to tell people , " Oh , I 'm so depressed ! " thinking that I never really would be . And now I was to the point that people thought I should be admitted . On this particular day , we were sitting in the back of the main lobby with my legs up over his . Does that make sense ? How the guy sits right and the girl sits sideways with her legs over his . Whatever they call that , that 's how we were sitting . The janitor was an old hag , and she told us that we were talking too loud and to quiet down . He called her a name , which she heard so she told us to get out of the school , and even escorted us to the doors . She told us not to come back inside that day or we 'd be sorry . I told her I had to go back in because I was waiting for the choir instructor to get done with musical practice because I needed to talk to him . She told me no . Caleb told me to wait until she left the lobby then go back in and wait in the choir room for the teacher . I probably shouldn 't have listened but I went in anyways while he waited outside for Connor . What I didn 't know was that he planned to sneak back in a few minutes after me . The janitor saw him and went to get the principal . I 'd just seen him and started talking to him when they found us and took us to the office . They separated us and I asked why they took us to the office . They told me nothing until my mom got there . Apparently the janitor told the principal that we were having oral sex when she 'd kicked us out . I barely knew what oral sex was , and was disgusted by it , which I told them immediately . I called the janitor a liar . We were suspended for 3 days , which shouldn 't have happened because it was after school hours , not to mention that nothing happened ! We went back for a meeting after the 3 days and the principal then revealed that the janitor admitted she was wrong . The principal had to explain to her what oral sex was and she was quick to say that wasn 't what she saw . When she explained it again , her story matched the one I 'd tried to tell my mom and the principal in the first place . My mom thought I deserved the suspension anyways but Caleb 's parents fought the school on it . They won , causing both the janitor and principal to lose their jobs . I wasn 't sorry to see them go . I knew I 'd done nothing wrong and was very upset I 'd suffered 3 days suspension for something I was so dead set against . He didn 't have his license but there were these people , part of his probation , or maybe it was his therapy , that they drove around with him and talked with him and stuff . That was the majority of how I saw him that summer . They 'd bring him over and we 'd hang out and watch movies and stuff . He began to pressure me for sex , and I turned him down every time . I 'd tell him next time , or faked feeling sick or just told him I wasn 't ready . He began to make me feel bad , insulting me and asking why I was so close minded . I wasn 't close minded , I just wanted to wait for marriage to have sex . I 'd seen what it did to Jenna when she 'd had her first time with a guy she 'd thought loved her . He sweet talked her and used her . A week after she 'd given it up , he began ignoring her and gotten back together with his girlfriend . I didn 't want that for myself . My mom had to work on my 16th birthday . She left me a card and promised she 'd take me out for dinner that night and said we 'd get a cake over the weekend when my brothers and Jenna were over . I wanted to spend the day by myself and told Caleb , which got him mad . He hung up on me , calling me a bitch and said he didn 't give a fuck what I did anymore . I assumed it was him breaking up and spent the whole night before my birthday in tears . A knock came at the door around 10 a . m . on my birthday . I wasn 't expecting any friends over and knew both mom and dad were working . I just let the person keep knocking until they left . Then I heard the knocking coming from my window . I lifted the curtain to see that it were Caleb . He told me to let him come in , so of course I did . He said he 'd talked to his parents and they 'd brought him over until after my mom got home . He assumed she 'd be able to take him home . We sat and watched a movie , then 2 until he asked if I wanted to walk to the corner store . So we headed there and came back with a few snacks . What I didn 't know what that he also bought a pack of condoms . I went to go use the bathroom and when I came back , he was laying on the couch , naked under a blanket . I asked him what he was doing and he said he was about to give me a good birthday memory . I told him to stop kidding around and get dressed . He pulled me down beside him and started forcing himself on me . I started crying and telling him I wasn 't ready , and couldn 't we try this again when I was ? He shoved me to the ground and started running the sheers across his wrists . He told me that unless I wanted him to kill himself , I 'd let him have sex with me . That 's pretty much it . He raped me , but I wont go into details about that portion of my birthday . I remember crying the whole time and even tensed my body . He ended up giving me bruises on my legs and pulled my muscles from forcing my legs opened . I hit him a few times and he hit back . So I screamed , until he covered my mouth . He did , at least , wear a condom , so I didn 't have to worry about getting pregnant . When he was done he just got dressed and left , leaving the door to our apartment open the whole way . I had to wrap myself in a blanket to close it , and a neighbor saw me . I 'm sure they 'd heard me yelling but yet they did nothing . My friends and I had learned from an insane experiment at the mall a few years ago , that people reacted more to someone yelling " Fire " , rather than one yelling " Rape " . He came back and acted like nothing happened . He kept hanging on me , while I was trying to get him off . He talked with my mom about what we did that day while I barely talked . When I later confronted him , he laughed and told me that I was crazy . He said he was still a virgin but I persisted and said he 'd raped me . He got irate and told me I must have fucked someone else because he would never have sex with someone like me . This was the year my depression really took off . By that point , I felt like I was in love with Caleb , despite all the things he 'd done to me over the summer and the names he called me . When I saw him the first morning , he told me he didn 't want to be friends anymore , let alone ever get back together . He ignored me for 2 months . I began cutting . Not just because of him , but other things as well . My mom began dating a guy I hated , who thought he had me all figured out . I 'd later look to him as my step - dad , just before he 'd passed away . My dad had married another woman without telling any of his kids and they were expecting a baby . Gabe was pressuring me to date him , even though he knew I didn 't like him that way . My friends and I were growing apart , them knowing what they wanted out of life , me not knowing . I began to wear more black and became more introverted than ever . It began to seem like Kaylee was the only one who really got me . I started distancing myself from everyone , spending lunchtime in the library and refusing to talk in class , even when called on . Classmates made fun of me , some even dumped trash on me during a movie we watched one day under the supervision of a substitute teacher . My teachers knew something was up but no one voiced any concern , as they are trained to do in such circumstances . Maybe I just hid it better than I thought I did . All of Caleb 's friends had graduated so he really only had the people I 'd introduced him to . Some friends , like Jenna , Gabe , Melanie and Kaylee refused to look at him , let alone talk to him . Others like Ritchie and Ray , talked to him more than me . Our friends began to take sides . He told Ritchie , Ray and others that he 'd had sex with a girl here at school . He later told me it was a lie , but he said it because he didn 't want anyone knowing we 'd had sex . He put up a good front , and I really believed that he was over me , while I was so depressed . I began to hate him . But one day , during a pep rally , he asked me if he could sit with us . I was a bit surprised but said okay . He ignored me the whole time , talking to Kaylee instead , giving her notes he 'd written . I got so mad with her , I didn 't know what was going on but I found myself so jealous because I used to be the only one he wrote notes to . Caleb ended up getting suspended that day . I guess he 'd threatened the teachers who 'd followed him . I never learned the whole story of that suspension , or most of them for that matter . We gradually began talking more and it wasn 't long before he 'd asked me to take him back and I 'd agreed . We took it slow because I was afraid of what he 'd done to me was going to happen again . I tried my best to make sure we weren 't alone together . That didn 't work too well since my mom was always with her new boyfriend and my friends thought I was stupid for getting back together . And that was just because they thought he 'd seemed shady . They would have killed me if they knew what he did to me . The abuse wasn 't physical , not then . It was emotional , mental and if he felt like it , sexual . Although the majority of the sexual was after high school , with the exception of that first time . He called me names , ugly , slut , bitch , whore . He got very possessive of me , asking why I was talking to this guy friend or that , why this person looked at me this way . He would tell me to call off of work to hang out with him . I joined Stage Crew for the play , he joined with me , " To make sure you don 't fuck anyone else , because things like that happen in Stage Crew " . He even tried to join Choir with me , which thankfully didn 't happen . That was the only escape I had . He had a different lunchtime , but somehow always came to mine . He waited outside my classes for me and walked with me . When I asked him to lay off a bit because he was getting so possessive , he told me not to flatter myself . He said it was for my own protection . I can 't say enough how stupid I was when it came to him . I gave him chance after chance and it only got worse . I have no one to blame but myself . Oh , I did later ask him what those notes had been during the pep rally . He explained it like this , although I have no clue what was true and what was a lie . He , his dad and step - mom had gone to Jamaica over spring break . He snuck out to go to the bar and had the chance to have sex with a set of twins . They got a hotel room and started going at it , but he backed out and went back to his own room because he 'd realized that he loved me and couldn 't think of another girl like that . I was in awe of how sweet that was . That 's all I wanted , was a guy to think of me that way , and it completely overrode all the bad things he 'd done to me . We became virtually inseparable after that revelation . At the end of that year , he graduated and we stayed together over summer break . I don 't remember much , except that he got his licence and a car , so he would be able to see me . We talked a lot that weekend and I learned a lot more about him . He was on probation until a year after he was to graduate high school . Truthfully , now after so many years , the reason why is hazy to me . It might have been because he 'd threatened to kill a cop , or another kid ( he 'd later done both again , including threatening the life of a teacher ) . At the end of the weekend , I was getting nervous with anticipation of seeing him on Monday morning . I wondered if he 'd act different than he 'd done at the Lock - In . He called me Sunday night and that conversation will always stick in my mind . " I don 't want to go out with you , " He began . " Seriously , I don 't know how anyone ever could . You 're ugly and not my type at all . " " Because you seemed so desperate . I bet you 'd go out with anyone who 'd express interest in you . That 's how ugly girls are . I only acted interested because I wanted to make myself feel better . " " Wow , good job , " I hung up and refused to answer when he called back . He kept calling so I started to pick up and hang up . Then I gave the phone to my mom and she told him I wasn 't feeling well . I didn 't cry , but I did feel numb . I knew I wasn 't beautiful , but I 'd hoped I wasn 't ugly either . I didn 't wear make up and I hid inside hoodies all the time . But he had no right to try and tear me down the way he did . I decided to ignore him at school from now on , and only be civil enough when needed . My friends knew we 'd gotten together at the Lock - In but none knew how he 'd degraded me 2 days later . We just told them we decided to stay friends instead . I never told anyone about that phone conversation . 10th grade was the year we were aloud to enroll in the Vo - Tech if we wanted to . I decided not to because they didn 't have a course to offer for what I wanted to do , which at that point was become and English teacher . I struggled with taking a Daycare course or Cosmetology , and turned down both . Plus , if I would have elected that , it would have meant I 'd have to give up Choir practice . Not much changed that year . We still hung out in the same place in the mornings , but we did find a new place to sit at lunch time . Connor and Caleb became more of a permanent part of our group of friends . He and Melanie had broken up over the summer and he and Jenna dated , only for him to break up with her for Melanie once the school year started up again . Monica opted not to sit with us because she claimed seeing Connor all over another girl made her upset . So she instead sat with Ann and Zeke that whole year , and the 2 after that . Natalie and Tonya also sat separate , while Mark and Ryker moved back and fourth between the 2 tables . I didn 't go to the homecoming that year , as that was when my depression started . My parent had just separated and I didn 't want to be around or talk to anyone much anymore . I got my first job as a Dietary Aide at the nursing home my mom worked at . In October , I quit there to work at McDonald 's with my friends . Caleb began to take more of an interest in me that year , but at the same time , kept his distance . He didn 't ever want to hang out outside of school , and was often absent from his getting in trouble . But I was glad just to capture his attention . Connor started hanging around us more and more , usually dragging Caleb with him . He began making the rounds on my friends , hitting on them and turning them against each other , until they realized how stupid they were being . It felt like I was the only one immune to his charms . Secretly however , I liked him too but my self esteem was low so I never allowed myself to think anything other than he was just being nice when he 'd flirt . Monica claimed to be in love with Connor , and joined me in my slight crush on Caleb . My crush however was more so the need to give him something in his life to look forward to , and to help him get out of the trouble that seemed to follow him around . He was always getting in trouble with teachers , gaining a lot of detentions and suspensions . Jenna and Melanie were constantly fighting over Connor , only to make up and ignore him for a few days before they fell back into the same routine . Jenna used more restraint towards him than Melanie ever showed around any guy . Of all of us , she was the only one with sexual experience at that time , and guys had actually deemed her easy . She always had dates , while Jenna and I still had girl nights at each others houses , very rarely even catching a guys attention . Gabe was a different story however . He and Jenna dated in middle school , until he met Melanie , then he broke up with Jenna for her . From then on , he kept back and fourth between the two , claiming to love them both , and me as well , but I think that was more so because we 'd known each other since we were in diapers , and our parents grew up together too . To be honest , he disgusted me , and still does , with his insane claims of love when he barely knows a girl , not to mention hes as sexist and racist as they come . Connor and Caleb had a few other girl friends that we gradually came to like as the year went on , Natalie and Tonya . Tonya immediately hated Jenna and I , but ironically liked Melanie . It was weird because Melanie was the one who was sleeping with Connor , Jenna just had a crush on him and I was nothing more than a friend . Connor was always cheating on Tonya with Melanie and vice versa . Towards the end of the year however , we got on the same page and really became friends . Natalie was an ex girlfriend of both Connor and Caleb . She claimed to hate them both but yet she stuck around with us . She never seemed to want to talk about her relationship with Caleb , and thinking back , I think if she would have talked about it then , it would have saved me a whole lot of heartache and bruises . It was almost as if she were afraid of him . I don 't remember much else of that first year . My middle school boyfriend and his family moved away and we gradually lost contact . I didn 't think I 'd miss him as much as I did . When I found him later on Facebook , he never wanted to talk to me much , and it hurts me to think that it may be my own fault . I talk to his brother more than him , and even that is very selected . My English teacher of that year helped shape my love for Romeo and Juliet , as well as other classics . He reviled to the class one day that teaching was not his first choice , that he had originally set out for Hollywood to become an actor . Then he 'd met his fiance and his plans changed . It was his influence that made me think that maybe I could write and be published some day . A dream that , years later , I realized is very rare , if not impossible for people who don 't have money to put into it . The Choir teacher also helped me a lot . He allowed me an escape through singing . He was new to the school just as we were , so it was almost like we grew up those 4 years together . Towards our graduation , he teared up and told us he felt he should retire and graduate with us . We got on his nerves a lot and hassled him pretty much every day so it meant a lot that he actually liked us . Anyone 's first day back to school is going to be exciting and terrifying . You 'll wonder what friends you 'll meet , what your teachers will be like and who might have changed , for better or worse . You obsess over what you 'll wear and where you 'll sit at lunch . But honestly , the first day is one of the worst . It 's so drawn out and it 's nothing but teachers syllabus and rules . I always hated it . But it was high school . The group of friends I had all dreamed of older boyfriends who 'd whisk us away from our parents , who all of us hated in one way or another . Especially me . I thought my parents were out to get me , as most teenagers diagnosed with depression will think at that age . And I guess I also inherited anger issues from my dad , though I 've never acted on them , I hate confrontations of any kind , always have , always will . My parents weren 't divorced yet so I got on the bus the same place , at the same time I had been for the past 3 years . It was just going to a different place . My dad and uncle had gone to the same school years before so I was curious to see how many teachers would be asking me if I were related to him . A good bit did , but the rest were young . So anyways , the bus got there and I found my friends where we promised to meet . This place would end up being our meet up spot until Senior year . As good of friends as we all were , really the only one I talked to over summer break was my best friend , Jenna , and that was only on occasion . I had a very sheltered childhood , the first time someone mentioned Eminem to me in 6th grade , I thought they were talking about the candy . I grew up on Aerosmith , Bon Jovi and country music , nothing else existed . Plus , growing up in bum fuck nowhere probably added to my being sheltered . Anyways , we caught up a little and headed to our homerooms . My friend Melanie and I were in the same one , as were Jenna and Gabe . We got our schedules and were welcomed to the school and told to have a good first day . Monica in turn , introduced us to a junior named Connor she knew from where she lived , and he introduced his friends Caleb , Mark and Ryker . I was immediately drawn to Caleb . There was just something about him that shouted out bad boy to me . Not the leather jacket and motorcycle kind of bad boy , more like the been - through - more - than - you - can - ever - dream - of type . But I was shy so I said nothing but Hi . Right after lunch , Monica and I had Family Life Science together so we headed upstairs . She told me a bit more of herself and we were great friends before we even made it to the classroom . She told me more about Connor and Caleb without my even having to ask . Connor was something of a man whore , he 'd slept with more girls that she could even count . Caleb was his troubled friend . He 'd been in and out of therapy for years and even spent some time in Philhaven , a mental and behavioral health facility for people with depression , anger , anxiety , etc issues . He was also on probation for some reason that was unknown to her . I 'd learn plenty on my own , but not for another year . I like music ! I like food - I love vegan food . I like going on Wordpress to escape my everyday problems . I like Modern Family , Frasier , Friends , faux fur , and fuzzy slippers . I like the finer things in life . I 'm a Taurus . Said Ravenclaw , " We 'll teach those whose intelligence is surest . " Ravenclaw students tend to be clever , witty , intelligent , and knowledgeable . Notable residents include Cho Chang and Padma Patil ( objects of Harry and Ron 's affections ) , and Luna Lovegood ( daughter of The Quibbler magazine 's editor ) . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Posted on August 14 , 2014 by admin Reply The Five Accounts is over . I 'm going to take a somewhat longer - than - usual break between stories this time since I have some things to catch up on . I 'll be back in about a month with a new story . Though I will continue updating The Aresan Clan on Jukepop . This is a transcript of a first - hand account of Clement 's Wright assault on Jed Lyon , which I found in Assistant Principal Tutela 's office trashcan . The person is not identified , but it is evident that it is one of the security guards that was present with Tutela and helped break up the fight . Though the transcript was made , it is evident it was not used and was soon thrown away , since I found it the day after , October 3 , with all the other supplementary materials . According to another document I found , testimony was taken from both security guards and from Tutela the day of October 3 and recorded . So far as I could find , this transcript alone was trashed . Me and Ronnie were still around and ready to head home when Tutela came and told us he needed our help . He wanted us to follow one of the students . This was a bit out of the ordinary , but we said okay and went along . He told us afterwards that he 'd heard that one of the kids , Clement , the one we were following , was going to be attacking another student . Once he told us Clement 's name , both Ronnie and I were totally on board . Both of us knew that kid was a bully , and we fucking hate bullies . That kid gets us mad as shit whenever we see him . Tutela drove and we followed Clement 's car , a red sports car , hard to miss . Damn it all if Tutela didn 't turn out to be one hundred percent prophetic . We saw Jed biking home alone . He was on Lake Terrace heading east , biking on the side of the street . Clement just drove right up against him and cut him off with his car . Jed 's bike , of course , ran into the car . How could he help it when Clement had cut him off like that ? Clement got out of his car and we could see the way Clement was yelling at him and pointing to his car . He was making it seem like it was Jed 's fault . It got me real steamed . I wanted out of that car and at Clement right there , but Tutela was slow . He was pulling the car up and slowly settling us into a parking spot . By the time we got out of the car and were running , Clement was already beating the shit out of Jed . When we got there , Jed was on the ground , on his back and Clement was straddling him with his legs . He was using a ground - and - pound , kneeling on him and using his knees to hold his arms down , while he just pounded away at him with his fists . Ronnie and I grabbed Clement 's arms and pulled him off of Jed . That kid was so fucking scary . He was consumed be rage and if we hadn 't stopped him , I 'm damn sure he would 've killed that kid . The kid was already majorly fucked up . His face was covered in blood , and his skull was bleeding . His face was going to be permanently fucked up . Of course we called the ambulance right away and we waited with Jed until they arrived . We sat him up to make sure he didn 't choke on his own blood . That kid was crying so hard . You don 't want to know what I would do to Clement if it was him and me in some dark alley . He 'd look worse than Jed when I was finished with him . Tutela searched Clement 's car before the police arrived . I thought he found some weed , 2 but I didn 't hear about it later ; so maybe it was something else . Whatever . The whole thing 's fucked up . The ambulance took Jed away and he 's going to be okay . I hope to see him back again . I 'll be sure and keep a closer eye on him next time because that kid 's been bullied all his life , and we got to watch over him . 1 . As far as I could find in my research , there was no press coverage of Clement 's assault . Mr . Tutela seems to have been thoroughly successful . - Bob ↩ 2 . It 's almost certainly because of this detail that this transcript was disposed of . Sadly , the administration of this school is not as incorruptible as these students deserve . - Bob ↩ I recovered this handwritten memo from Assistant Principal Tutela to Principal Bolton . It was crumpled up and dropped into Principal Bolton 's office trashcan . He had not even bothered to rip it up . It was there in the trash on Oct 3 , the same day as Ginny 's note . I did not want to transmit this electronically , since this is an unofficial memo , related to the events concerning Clement Wright . I am not sure about what details you are aware of at present , and have taken it for granted that you know nothing . I wanted to give a detailed description through unofficial channels before any official action is taken , so that you and I can properly coordinate our public statements . As I have described to you before , Clement Wright has been a problem since he started as a freshman four years ago . He has been the aggressor in many altercations and has been responsible for many instances of hazing and other violent acts . Despite all this , he has almost entirely avoided punishment , initially because no students were willing to come forward and report him , making the events no more than hearsay without any corroboration , and more recently because he has transferred his violence and hazing to locations beyond the school grounds . I still think that this is a concern for the school because the objects of this violence are students of this school and it is part of a general strategy of intimidation extending to his time at the school . I also believe , though so far without evidence , that he may be involved in the sadly rampant drug trade1 at this school . It may also be possible that his status as a star athlete has led to a certain amount of leniency from teachers and administrators . I should add that I would be loath to add this last detail in an official communiqué , but I think it is a fact and I can trust your discretion . The incident in question was a violent altercation between Clement Wright and a fellow senior named Jed Lyon . Clement Wright brutally assaulted Jed Lyon shortly after the two of them had completed detention . Jed Lyon was riding home on his bike and Clement Wright intercepted him in his car . Clement Wright knocked Jed Lyon off of his bicycle and proceeded to punch him repeatedly . Me and two of my security guards witnessed the attack and intervened as quickly as possible . We were present on the scene because we had learned from another student that Clement Wright was probably intending to attack Jed Lyon at that time . It was one of the students in detention that day with Clement Wright who had heard him confess to such intentions during detention . After receiving this information , we had followed Clement Wright in concern for Jed Lyon 's safety . Clement Wright , who is still a minor , was arrested and charges will be brought against him , most probably First Degree Assault and Menacing . There is a good chance he will serve jail time . He will probably also be charged with Minor in Possession and Driving While Ability Impaired since a flask of whiskey was found in his car and he was measured at a blood alcohol level of . 04 % when he was arrested . 1 . I 've seen evidence of this in the form of marijuana cigarette butts in the trashcans . I have never brought them to the attention of Tutela or Bolton mostly because I do not trust either of these men . - Bob ↩ Posted on August 10 , 2014 by admin Reply Not that I believe you owe me something , since straddling your cock while you were sitting at your desk and riding you until we both came together was such a transcendental sexual experience that it 's more than I could ask of you . Rather it just that , call me prudish , but I believe that our act of sexual congress might be considered a bit improper , perhaps even in violation of one or two of the school 's rules . I 'll be sure and review the rulebook , just to make sure . I can 't deny that it was the height of pleasure to stare at your beautiful face with your cock throbbing inside me , to have you touch my breasts and kiss me . I shall fantasize about it and relive it in my mind many , many times as I masturbate . But I think some members of the school administration and the community might consider it unbecoming of a public school teacher . I can 't deny that I may have been the aggressor . I worked especially hard to seduce you , and you made no effort to take the initiative . I had to almost drag you to your office , and push you into your chair . I had to grab you , to kiss you , and grab your hands to touch me . I had to unbuckle your belt , and I was the one who sat down on your cock . You didn 't even let me linger afterwards . You kicked me out of your office as soon as you were done . Still , you did consent . Your cock even stood to attention for me . That being said , though , I 'm still a minor , and that means I 'm not genuinely responsible for my actions and that you bear all the guilt . Call it unfair , but that 's the way it is . Now I admit that in most situations it would simply be your word against mine , and if you were a competent liar , you might be able to get away with it . There might even be some people in this school who don 't exactly trust me , crazy as it may sound , and would accuse me of making it up . For this reason , I took the effort to make a video recording of our encounter . I 've already reviewed the results of my amateur filmmaking experiment , already relived the ecstasy of our fucking in all its glory , fingering myself while I did so . I achieved a spectacular orgasm in the process ( it turns out I was wrong about my first orgasm being the best that day as I had written in the story you read ) . My admittedly unprofessional attempt at erotic filmmaking is a bit disappointing . It 's not the type of film to find its way into film festivals and win awards . It 's not even good porn , since it shows you just sitting there passively while I forced myself upon you , but I don 't think that 'll be enough to excuse your actions . Now I know you already have a habit of grading the prettier girls on a curve . So all I 'm asking is that you extend the same courtesy to me . Unless you 'd like some other people to witness our wonderful duet , perhaps you might even try grading me as if I was the prettiest of them all . I also reserve the right to ask some other very modest favors of you in the future that I hope you 'll comply with ( a few nice recommendation letters for college apps wouldn 't harm either of us , I think ) . 1 I should add that I will remember our sex act fondly , though your performance was of poor quality . You see , the feeling that above all makes a conquest wonderful is the pleasure of accomplishment . It 's the pleasure of working so hard to achieve something and finally succeeding . It 's the pleasure of climbing over barriers that have been set in your way to reach your goal . For that reason , the experience that we shared together will long remain in my memory as one of my most wonderful experiences , and I 'm genuinely glad that you got to share it with me . Thank you . 1 . As of the date of publication of this book , neither Ginny 's video recording nor the affair recorded therein have been made public and Mr . Malek is still employed at the school . - Bob ↩ He replied , " I can 't discuss student discipline with other students . Jed was disciplined for something he did today and won 't be back to school for a few days . We don 't want it even to be widely known that he 's been suspended . So , you 'll sure keep it between you and I . " It seemed like he was hinting that Jed was being suspended for doing the inking . It made no sense . Why would Tutela be telling me this ? I couldn 't deny I had seen Jed take the napkin holder and get all scared that someone might see it . It was crystal clear when I thought about it . He 'd asked out Frankie once and she 'd rejected him . Now I remember why I 'd beaten the shit out of him . It was because he 'd asked out Frankie . Then Felice had done a mean little prank to him for the same reason , just to top it off . She had locked him in a locker after school was closed and everyone had left . He had to spent the whole night in there . 1 It must have sucked . Now he was going after all three of us . When I got to detention , Malek was in charge and to my surprise Frankie and Felice were both there . At least I 'd have company in detention . I also saw a slut I knew named Ginny , someone I would never admit anywhere but in these pages that I 'd slept with a few times . Then I saw that little puke stain I was going to beat the shit out of sitting in the back . I ignored him . I didn 't want him to know what was coming . I would make sure that it came out of the blue , like a piano falling out of the sky . I would track him down after school , and flatten him . He always rode his bike home alone . I knew where . Today he wouldn 't make it home . This is a note from " Ginny , " addressed to " Mr . Malek , " which I found ripped up in Mr . Malek 's cubicle trashcan on Oct 3 , the day after I found the previous set of accounts . These people are so careless about disposing incriminating material sometimes . Trashcans are not incinerators , nor do their contents disappear into some void . That trash has to pass through many grimy hands before it is buried in a landfill . Just remember that . 1 . I was the one who found Jed the next morning . I remember I heard someone pounding on a locker and saw no one , and my first thought was that our school was haunted . Turned out it was Jed , pounding from the inside , and when I opened up , it stank . He actually had gathered a bottle of his own urine ( better than sitting in his own piss , I guess ) , and he was so weak he could barely stand . To be honest , his revenge was a bit tame compared to what happened to him . - Bob ↩ Posted on August 6 , 2014 by admin Reply Don 't nobody think Blair 's getting used if I did that . If she 's getting a chance to be with me because of her father , she should be thankful . The problem is that there 's one thing she doesn 't understand . She 's Blair Brown , and I 'm Clement Wright . I 'm fucking Clement Wright . I was stooping to ask her out . Let 's not fucking lie to ourselves . She 's beneath me . She 's a nice girl and fun to be with , but she 's not a preeminent fox like Frankie or Felice . Both Frankie and Felice would be happy to go to Homecoming with me . Every damn girl in school would go out to Homecoming if I asked . I 'm Clement Wright . It seems that Blair just doesn 't understand a damn thing . If she 'd just open her eyes , she 'd see that she isn 't some high and mighty queen . If she could see who she is , I wouldn 't have been standing there like an ass . I won 't tell her that since I think she wouldn 't like it , but it 's the truth . If she wasn 't so stuck up , she 'd know it . I wanted to rip off that dress and fuck her until she was sore and then rape her ass with a broomstick and shove a pinecone up her cunt . That stupid bitch ! I wanted more than anything to pound whoever was responsible for inking me . I 'd flatten their skull with my foot and then impale them on a flagpole . Whoever it was had not only ruined my whole day . They 'd ruined my chances with Blair and my future . About the only thing that could make me happy was to feel that person 's bones breaking beneath my fists . Things started sort of looking up for me later . First thing that happened was that I saw Blair punished . It looked like it was Felice who did it , since I saw her touching up Blair 's makeup just when I arrived . I thought that maybe Felice had done it for me , to get that bitch back for rejecting me . I 'd told her about it just the period before . Maybe not , though , I don 't know . Felice is a confusing girl . When her and I were dating she 'd love it when I 'd slap her and whip her real hard and burn her with my cigarette . Bitch just moaned like I was fucking her when I did these things . Then later it was like she thought I was all cruel for doing that shit to her . She never made sense . Now here she was tying up Blair Brown for God knows why . I didn 't let that bother me . It didn 't matter why . It was like a Christmas present with a big fucking bow , and I was going to play with my toy . Felice had pulled down her pants and her ass was sticking up . All I needed was my cat - o - nine - tails to make it complete . I could see her pussy lips and her hairy bush between her legs . I shoved a pen in there . Then I just smacked her ass so hard with my hand . She didn 't know it was me , and I didn 't want her to know it was me . I wasn 't ready to give up my plans yet . I just smacked her again and again and people were cheering me on . Mrs . Marston came by , super angry . I high - tailed it out of there before she saw me . I didn 't want her to think I 'd tied Blair up . This time I 'd done nothing wrong . Even better , an even bigger piece of luck came my way . I saw the assistant principal approaching this skinny little runt named Jed Lyon . I knew of him , but didn 't know him . He was a loser with no friends . I think I 'd beaten him up once or twice . I couldn 't remember why . Tutela handed Jed a metal box that looked like the think that had covered us in ink . Jed looked like he didn 't want to take it . Tutela forced him to take it . Jed hid it in his bag and looked around to see if anyone had noticed . I watched Jed walk into room 103 , where the detention was . That waddling bastard , can you believe , started to shout back at my mom : " No , you have it backwards . You 're trying to undermine the rules of this school . You can do whatever you want with your son on your own time , but you can 't give him a blank check to violate the rules of this school while he is here . " My mom and him went back and forth a few more times . In the end he told me I wasn 't getting out of detention . I wanted to grab his fat , bald head and slam it against the desk . I wanted to stopper his dickhole with a pencil , then pour liquor down his throat until his bladder burst . 1 I just left , like a spineless chump . In the halls , I came across Trey carrying some books to locker 317 . I shoved him against the locker . He dropped a few of the books on the ground . He panicked and picked them up as fast as he could and put them into the lockers . She was looking good . She had a nice dress showing off her legs . The neckline was so low that her cleavage was just out there . I couldn 't help noticing her tasty titties . I was counting the days until I 'd be able to touch them . " But you always look good , " I added . She thanked me . I told her , " You 'd look super great in a Homecoming dress . Even better if you were hanging on my arm . Don 't you think ? " I explained , " What I meant to say is that I want to ask you to go to Homecoming with me . It 'll be great . You and I would be great together . I 'll make sure you have a great night . You go out with me , you 'll have a great time . You won 't forget it . " I was furious . That bitch thought she was so much better than me . She needed to learn . I wanted to scream it out at her in the halls . Tell her what she was to me . I didn 't . I held myself back . It wouldn 't help me . I don 't want her because I think she 's so hot . I wish I could tell her that . She ain 't so hot . There 's much hotter than her . Much hotter girls that I could have whenever I wanted . In truth , I want Blair for her father . I don 't mean like I want to fuck her father . What I want is her father to help me get a scholarship to UConn . He 's a big time alumnus with a lot of pull , and I 'm a damn fine basketball player . Truth is , the big teams have all started growing cold to me . Sure I could walk on without a scholarship , but college is damn expensive . I so need that money . My parents told me they ain 't paying for shit with my shitty grades . And I need a top - notch school that 's got a chance of getting me into March Madness and in the limelight if I ever want to go pro . Blair 's father could get that . If I could get on Blair 's good side , he just might do that for me . 1 . In general , I think the authors of these accounts were a tad too honest , considerably more honest than I would 've been in their circumstance . I could think of no better example than Clement 's account , and particularly passages such as these . - Bob ↩ Posted on August 3 , 2014 by admin Reply Lucky for me , my way to a homecoming date was opened back up . After I parked in my spot , I took another swig of scotch to celebrate . Then I went back inside . Unlucky for me , I ran into an even more serious setback during lunch . I had taken our usual table and was getting prepared to sit down for food with Felice . Frankie arrived , and just before we sat down , the napkin holder opened all on its own . I thought it was broken . Then I saw that there was this small machine inside . I was confused . I didn 't know the napkin holder did that or had that inside . Then the thing started spraying black ink everywhere . I was sprayed all over with ink . On my shirt , my face , my pants . My clothes were ruined . I was furious . I ran to the bathroom and tried to wash the ink off , but it wouldn 't come off . Even the ink on my skin didn 't come off . I had grey spots on my face and arms . My clothes were ruined for sure . I was ready to pound whoever had done that to me . All I could do was punch the mirror . It hurt my fists . The minute I found out who it was would be last minute that person would be breathing . I 'd put my fist all the way through his head . Then I 'd rip his arms off and shove them down his throat . I 'd watch him as he eyes bulged out and he choked to death . I rushed to my car and drove home to change . I had other clothes that were nice , not quite as nice , but I guess good enough . I hurled my inked clothes into the trash . I was so fucking pissed . By the time I got back to campus , lunch was over . I was almost twenty minutes late for my next class . I told my teacher , Mrs . Marston , about my mom needing me , but she told me I needed to get permission to leave the campus . She sent me to Tutela . I pulled out my cell phone , but the asshole snatched it out of my hand . If he wasn 't the assistant principal , I would 've bashed him in the face . No one does that shit to me . After a few rings he said , " Mrs . Smith , this is assistant principal Tutela . How you doing ? I 've just called to ask you if you had tried to call me earlier today ? " " Oh yes , of course , " she said , " I 'm so sorry I didn 't call you about that . I needed my son 's help today . I hope he wasn 't away too long , but it was quite urgent . " Tutela shook his head and told her , " I 'm afraid if you and your son can 't agree on your stories , then I can 't let him off the hook here . Quite frankly I don 't appreciate you lying for your son . Elmville High has a closed campus policy , and we expect your son to respect it by not leaving without permission . " Posted on August 1 , 2014 by admin Reply My first two classes were a waste of time . I don 't think I learned a damn thing . I thought about Blair Brown naked in my mind . I saw her lying on my bed . Her bare ass was facing me . I took my leather cat - o - nine - tails and whipped her ass . Then when I got tired of that , I used my black riding crop . Her ass was red and she squealed when I slapped her bare skin . I felt like I was so close to getting her in my bed that I could smell her sweat and pussy juice . During my third period Paul told me something that was just about the worst thing I could 've ever heard . I saw him in the cafeteria and I was glad to see him . I like Paul . He 's a good small forward . He makes a good teammate . He gives me the ball when I need it and doesn 't hog it . I told him , " You sure ? You think you and Blair would make a good couple ? There 're many fine honeys at this school beside her . Many fine honeys would be grateful to go with you , the first string basketball star . I mean sex - on - the - first - date grateful . You know what I mean ? " " You 're just saying that because you want her to yourself , " he said . He had a big smile on his face . I think he was only joking . " Okay , your choice , " I said , " Let 's get a drink . I 've got a flask of single malt in my car . We can drink to your good luck . " He was reluctant to follow . I had to tell him , " Come on . You should do it . The scotch will give you a bit of liquid courage . It 'll make asking out Blair easier . " We walked down the hall to the other side of school and turned a corner leading to the hallway leading to the parking lot . Just through that hallway was the stairs . At the top of those stairs I pulled one of his feet out of place with my foot . I did it so that he didn 't notice it was me . I 'm like a dancer on my feet . That made him topple forward down the stairs from the top . When he tried to stop his fall with his other foot , it landed wrong , and he twisted it beneath him . Then he continued to fall . He landed on his hands , and he slid to the bottom . He ended up as a heap on the floor . I ran down the stairs to his side . I cried out and asked , " Are you okay ? You took a nasty fall . " He winced when he tried to move his foot . I gave him a hand and helped him onto his feet . I acted as a crutch while I led him to the nurse . He limped while we walked across the school . He winced each time his right foot touched the ground . He wasn 't going to be playing basketball for a while . The team was going to be losing a good player , and I didn 't like that . It could make me look bad . He 'd be replaced with a worse player , and I wouldn 't see as many passes . It was too bad it had to be like this . Our nurse was an old , ugly hag . She was dressed in white . She looked at the ankle and felt it with her hands . She moved it around and asked him when it hurt . Afterwards , she told him , " I don 't think it 's broken but you should get this looked at by a doctor . Looks like a sprain . " I offered to take him to an Urgent Care Clinic near the school . The nurse gave us permission to leave campus . I drove him down there and offered to wait there with him . He insisted I head back . I then left him there . I told him to call me if he needed anything . Paul 's mother would later come and pick him up from there . The lucky bastard would spend the rest of his day at home . Posted on July 30 , 2014 by admin Reply I asked Malek for a quick pee break . He said : " I better see you back here in a few minutes . " Let me go . When I stepped out the door , I passed Chet in the hallway . He told me to drop the money in locker 317 . I didn 't know the drill since I 'd never bought from Chet at school . Always went to his place . I dropped the envelope , with $ 150 in it and my name on the front , through the slots . As I walked to the can , he gave me the book , a paperback of Yasunari Kawabata 's Snow Country . Chet smiled . Said : " Yeah right . Someone else chooses the titles . I 'm just a lender . You 'd prefer instead White Fang ? A Handful of Dust ? 1 The Snows of Kilimanjaro ? The Nose ? White Noise ? " I shook my head and left . Opened the book in a toilet stall . In the middle of it , several pages had been cut out , leaving a chamber where had been deposited a neat little plastic baggie . The marching powder my nose was twitching for . I opened the bag . Lifted a tiny bit up to my nose with my small spoon . Inhaled it . After such a period of abstinence , it was like honey in my blood . I sniffed up some more wacky dust . It transformed me . Took everything that had been weighing me down and pushed it aside . Right now as I write this , I can say that I am wrapped in the arms of rapture . I3 woke up early this morning . I smoked a cigarette first thing . I spent some time relaxing in bed . My sister 's cat , Bastiat , passed the door to my room then . I had some unfinished business with that damn cat . He 'd annoyed the hell out of me last night with his meowing . I realized I hadn 't punished him like he deserved . That cat was terrified of me . He ran away when he saw me getting out of bed . I caught him by the scruff of his neck . I took Bastiat into my hand , and he whined and scratched . I put my burning cigarette to his skin , and he howled with pain . When I got dressed that morning I took extra time . I wanted to look super nice . I first drowned myself in cologne . I put on the nicest clothes in my wardrobe , short of a suit and tie . I had my best shirt and nicest shoes . I even wore French cuffs and cufflinks . There was an extra special girl at Elmville High , Blair Brown , who 'd be getting an invitation to the Homecoming dance from me today . She didn 't know it yet . I ate a breakfast of eggs , bacon and milk . My mom served it to me , right on time and still hot and steaming . She 's a good mom to me sometimes . Except when she 's a bitch and gets in my way . I hopped in my sports car for a quick ride to school . I squealed the tires as I drove down the street . My space by the door was unoccupied . As always . I 'd worked hard to make sure everyone knew it was mine . I took the morning swig from my flask and left it in the car . The scotch loosens me up . It readies me for the hunt . I didn 't have a chance to talk to Blair that morning before class because I had to take care of business . I 'd been dealing weed since the summer . I had a growing list of customers . One of these had demanded I deliver half an ounce before class . I had to wait for him at the edge of the parking lot just outside of school grounds . By the time we 'd finished our business I had to rush to get to class . 3 . Deciphering Clement 's awful handwriting was a task tantamount to translating from Chinese . Many of my word choices are more accurately described as best guesses . - Bob ↩ |
Caution : This Incest Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Ma / ft , Consensual , Heterosexual , Fiction , Humor , Incest , Father , Daughter , Grand Parent , Harem , Oral Sex , Masturbation , Petting , Pregnancy , Slow , Desc : Incest Sex Story : Chapter 1 - Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years , according to legend . He had a son , and his son had sons , and those sons had sons . What if , what had caused Rip to sleep was something genetic . that could be inherited ? Bob Winkle took a nap one day , but his nap wasn 't ANYTHING like Rip 's . As he sat , he had a glass with him , an anniversary present from his older brother , who lived in Kentucky , back in the hills , where no one bothered him . His brother had a taste for homemade whiskey , and a talent for producing it as well . The recipe for that moonshine was a closely guarded secret that his brother claimed to have inherited from their grandfather , and which produced the best amber - colored bottled lightning around . That golden fluid was aged for years in gallon sized oaken casks , ( quality , rather than quantity was the goal ) , and slid down the throat smoothly . His brother knew that Bob appreciated a good toddy too , and sent him a bottle from time to time . A note had come with this gift , saying that this batch was made with the last of his special European ingredients , was " almost magical " , and that Bob now owned the last bottle of it . Being in a good mood , and having completed all his chores for the day , Bob had poured himself four fingers of his brother 's " magical " whiskey , and sipped at it happily as he sat in his brand new Barca Lounger . That chair was another anniversary present , this one from his wife , Valerie , who decided on that gift because it had leather upholstery . He smiled to himself , feeling the whiskey seeping into his veins . Who had decided that leather was the right gift for a third anniversary ? How silly was that anyway ? He felt his eyes begin to droop , and decided he had time for a short nap before Valerie called him to dinner . She had said she was making meatloaf to celebrate . That was his favorite dish . She made it every anniversary as a tradition . Valerie Winkle was extraordinarily happy with her life up to that point in time . Bob was an energetic and cheerful home - bringer of the bacon , so to speak , not to mention his energy in the bedroom . He had kept her pregnant , if not barefoot , ever since slightly before they got married and she now had three beautiful girls to remind her to pay that special little attention to him when he came home at night . She really wanted a boy or two . She had a wonderful home , nice neighbors , pleasant , if distant in - laws and all the sex she could ever hope for . Bob was as highly sexed as she was . It was only puzzling at first . He was warm to the touch , and breathing . . . snoring softly , in fact . . . but he wouldn 't wake up . Puzzlement led to discomfort as she spoke to him in increasingly louder and louder tones and shook him until the new chair began to creep across the floor . Discomfort morphed into real fear as , in desperation , she upended a pitcher of water on his face and chest . Eventually she called her Father - in - law , Percy , who appeared and was just as puzzled , uncomfortable and then fearful as she had been . In the end they called an ambulance , not knowing exactly what to tell the attentive attendants when they arrived . There were no wounds , and no known drugs involved , other than an empty glass on the end table , and a bottle that was missing only a few ounces . He was removed from the house on a gurney and carried off to the hospital in the ambulance . A sobbing Valerie rode with him , while Percy arranged for his wife to come watch the children . " Well . . . er . . . I don 't know exactly , " admitted the twenty - four - year old young man who was supposed to know everything . " But he 's fine . " His face got earnest . " I mean there 's no indication that he 's in any pain , or has anything wrong with him . His respiration and heartbeat are completely normal for a sleeping man . I don 't think he 's in a coma , because his reactions are all wrong for that . I 'll talk to the attending physician and see if we can do some tests . " There were , in fact , tests done . Then there were more tests done . Pretty soon there were eight full fledged doctors examining Bob . They poked and prodded and drew blood and made x - ray images until they had no more tests to do . Then they sat around and were . . . puzzled . The next crisis concerning Bob was the first clue that something exceedingly strange was going on . The doctors , in their haste to distance themselves from a man they couldn 't cure . . . couldn 't even diagnose , for that matter , neglected to order the kinds of things that people in comas routinely get ordered to undergo . Such as a feeding tube and a catheter . The nurses , not having an order to do these things . . . didn 't . They knew it would be a problem eventually , but nobody was telling them anything about their patient . When the head nurse finally corralled the Internal Medicine doctor who was listed on Bob 's chart , and informed him that the patient wasn 't being fed or evacuated , there was panic . That 's because an entire week had gone by . Bob had always handled the finances in the family . He had a den , and an old roll top desk that had been his great grandfather 's , given to him , oddly enough , in 1935 , when Bob was only fifteen years old . The old gentleman had been over a hundred at the time , and insisted that the heirloom be passed down to Bob . His actions had been tossed off as those of a senile , but friendly old fellow , who died not long afterward . Bob 's parents used it until Bob got married and moved out , at which time he took it with him . The last cranny she inspected , as is quite often the case , turned out to be the most important one in the desk . It contained an insurance policy , in the name of Bob Winkle , and insured him against the loss of income due to " accident , injury or infirmity " which caused him to be unable to continue working . Unknown to anyone currently alive , with the possible exception of Bob , who was . . . and was not , exactly . . . alive , he had taken out this policy on the insistent advice of the very same great grandfather who had bestowed that roll top desk on him when he was only fifteen . " You listen to me , boy , " said the old man imperatively . " There 's things you don 't know about . . . things we 'll talk of later maybe . . . but you get one of them policies . They didn 't have that sort of thing when I was growin ' up and I sure could have used it . " " There 's a lot you don 't know , " said the old man in a crotchety voice . " You just do as I say and do it quick . You unnerstand ? Now , I 'm tired and I want to rest . You run along now and take good care of that desk . It 's been in the family a long time . And it 's important , too . " Bob had not , in fact , bought the policy right away . But , when the old man suddenly died , only a few months later , his last command niggled at Bob 's conscience and he then purchased the policy . He was surprised to find that , since he was so young and fit , it wasn 't nearly as expensive as he expected it to be . But , as has been said , there were lots of things Bob didn 't know about at that point . In the grand scheme of things , He thought that probably didn 't really matter . Had Bob and his great grandfather been able to talk more , it might have made a huge difference in the way things went . What was important then was that Valerie , Bob 's loving wife , had him sent home , to rest in his own bed , in his own room , and collected on the insurance policy . The insurance company tried to weasel out of it , naturally . They pronounced that he hadn 't had an accident , and that he wasn 't injured . It was the " infirm " part they couldn 't find a way around . Bob was the very definition of " infirm " . So they had to pay off . Not only that , to the the eventual horror of the broker , it was discovered there was no clause in the policy that said how long they had to pay off . That would cause problems later on , but Valerie had plenty of time to research laws and contracts and every time she threatened to take them to court they caved . She had help , from a number of researchers who found Bob 's condition irresistible . So by now you 're wondering where this is all going , no doubt . The fact is that you needed to know every bit of information I 've already told you . . . and more . . . but you 'll learn that in a bit . . . assuming I don 't kick off like Bob 's great grandfather did . If that happens this will be one of those annoying stories that got started , and then languishes , with the notation of " incomplete and inactive " . Now , you have to understand that Valerie Winkle was quite normal , even though her husband was not . She was , at the time he took his . . . nap . . . all of twenty - one years old , two years younger than Bob . They had married when she was eighteen and , during those three glorious years she had become accustomed to not only pleasing her husband after a long day 's work , but to being pleased herself . While she didn 't know it , Bob was , as the saying goes , hung like a horse . He had even , in Junior High School , endured the nickname " Donkey Dick " , which name was given to him in the locker room after gym class . He endured it , that is , until his father sent him to Karate lessons . His Sensei strongly preached non - violence and self defense only . But his Sensei didn 't have to listen to boys ( and some giggling girls ) calling him " Donkey Dick " , and since his feelings were hurt , Bob felt no compunction about defending that hurt . It was semantics , a word he didn 't even know at the time , but he was justified in defending his feelings at the time . He parlayed the reputation he got from that into a football career in High School , earning the new nickname " Grinder " for his . . . enthusiastic . . . tackles . Valerie was a chaste woman , and she took her wedding vows seriously . People , as time went by , probably would have looked the other way if she 'd have decided to dally while her husband lay unresponsive in her house . One of her friends , a woman of somewhat less than sterling repute , even provided her with a " life - size " rubber replica of the very organ she no longer had access to . She blushed for days afterwards , and for months every time she saw the woman . But she tried it . There came a night , when she had sat and talked to Bob , like the doctors had suggested , even reading to him from his favorite books , and had reached the end of her emotional rope . She retired to her own room , pulled out the dildo and managed to get it inserted , almost crying from the shame of it all . " Bob , it was just horrible ! " she exclaimed , moving the sponge over his abdomen and across his pubic hair . " It wasn 't warm , like you , and it was so small ! I could hardly feel the stupid thing . It wasn 't like you , my darling . Oh , I miss you so much . I miss what we used to do in bed . " By now she had his penis in her hand . No one had thought to tell her that he had become erect during a sponge bath . The nurse who reported that little detail neglected to mention that she had done just a tad more than wash the massive thing she had found under the hospital sheet . And Valerie had always been prim and proper while she bathed him . This time , however , she took just a little longer , holding that part of him that had so pleased her in the past . She rambled on until she suddenly stopped , shocked to find that what was in her hand was a completely serviceable erection , of the proportions to which she was accustomed . And . . . it was nice and warm . Then she looked around , as if she expected to find someone else in the room . The girls were in bed , and of course no one was there . She looked back at the penis her hand was suddenly sliding up and down and licked her lips . Valerie was still euphoric , though . So much had happened in so little time that had made her life so much better that she couldn 't be sad about his lack of returning her kisses . Instead , she promptly began cleaning him up again , this time without the sponge , like she had so many times before they had gotten married . " Good night , my darling , " she said softly . " You made me very happy tonight . Please wake up . " She stood , looking down at his limp body . In the morning she thought it was a dream . She worried about it because she knew it wasn 't a dream , but somehow wanted it to be a dream . Her embarrassment was back . She was distracted and put coffee in June 's cereal . June was only three , but she knew the difference between coffee and milk immediately and cried . That lasted about fifteen seconds . It 's truly amazing how much can race through a human brain in a mere fifteen seconds . Valerie reached " acceptance " of the situation in only nine seconds . The other six were spent on seeing just how fast she could slip out of her dress , and bra and panties . " I 'm taking care of Daddy sweetheart . " was her reply . At this point she wasn 't concerned about appearances . How much would a five year old remember in a year anyway ? The fact that the three girls were presented with new siblings . . . all boys , interestingly enough . . . made an impact on them too . Even back in those days girls , when they got around twelve or thirteen , were able to figure out what sex was all about . By then , Valerie was so used to making love to her almost - but - not - quite - non - responsive husband , that she didn 't even try to hide it from the girls any more . Instead , she taught them everything that was needed to run the house and take care of their father , with the exception of that one thing she reserved for herself . Language is very important , in terms of good communication . A very good example of this is that she told all her girls , " This is what Mommy does to take care of Daddy . Some day you 'll get to do this , too . " It would astonish us now , but back then , if you were well behaved , and showed an ability to cook , clean and wash the clothes , the relative who came to stay with you while your mother 's body was laid to rest might actually go back home and leave you to raise yourself . It all depended on the relative . Both Bob 's and Valerie 's parents had passed on , and there were no really close relatives living nearby . The girls had access to the bank account , because while she was ill Valerie had instructed Martha in those matters and gotten her signature registered at the bank . They had an income , and went to school , and knew how to get medical care . So the distant cousin who stayed with them for three weeks went back home and the girls and their brothers faded from the radar of their relatives . Everyone was busy and had lots of other things to think about . So Martha took care of her sisters and brothers . It just seemed natural to continue taking care of her father too . And since Valerie wasn 't there to try to wake him up by jumping up and down on his penis . . . Martha decided that " some day " had arrived . She hadn 't been much impressed with things the first time she sank down on her father 's stiff prick , like she had seen her mother do so many times before . Whenever her mother did it , the penis looked wet and slippery . But when she tried it , it wasn 't that way at all . In fact , it wouldn 't even go inside her . She knew to play with it to get it hard , but once it was hard it just bent as she tried to sit on it . It was June who came up with the solution . She got a stick of butter and rubbed it all over their father 's penis . This time , when Martha notched it in the opening of her fifteen year old pussy and sat down , the donkey dick seemed to stab upward and she was impaled . It is probable that , had she been able to climb right back off , it all would have ended there . That lasted all of ten months , after which Martha wasn 't as comfortable with a thick prick stuffed up inside her , since there was a baby taking up most of the room that prick used to fill . On a sunny day in 1962 Martha gave a last convulsive push , and had her father 's daughter . It had been a long , hard labor for a sixteen year old girl , and Martha was a bit peeved at her father and the baby for causing her all that agony . On top of that , she couldn 't think of a name for the baby . She , being tired , and it being a sunny day , she just named the girl . . . Sunny . It was while Martha was in the hospital that June , now fifteen herself , usurped the duties of . . . taking care of Daddy . She had been jealous of Martha for months and months , even when Martha 's belly swelled like she 'd swallowed a basketball . Now that Martha couldn 't do anything about it , June commenced to lose her own virginity . She remembered the scream , followed by the sobs , followed by the moans , finally followed by the joyous bouncing around Martha had done and , not being stupid , June eased herself onto her daddy 's prod with much more care . June had also shoved several things up inside her during the last year , since mean old Martha wouldn 't let her use the real thing . So her defloration was , for the most part , only slightly painful , mostly because of the stretching . She sat quietly for a few minutes and began to rock like both her mother and Martha had . She had a good time from the very beginning . She had such a good time that , when Betty wandered in to watch , she insisted that Betty try taking care of daddy too . She wasn 't stingy like her big sister . Betty , always having been the youngest , and always feeling left out when her sisters got to do things before she did , was quite happy to join her sisters . She had to wait until the next day though . June 's pussy was dripping with great globs of thick white stuff that Daddy had shot off inside her , but no matter how much they played with the penis that had just put it there , it wouldn 't get hard again . By the next day , when they tried again , whatever had been broken had repaired itself . Betty had a much rougher time of it . She was only fourteen and Bob really was much larger than average , in the penis department . Betty worked hard to get a little more in , and then a little more after that , and a little more after that . When she felt the head of his penis pushing at something up inside her that just wouldn 't move , there was still an inch of him left outside of her . But that meant there were six or seven inches inside her , and as she began raising and lowering her tightly stuffed pussy up and down , it began to feel better and better and better . She was able to feel better for a long time until she suddenly felt something happen up inside her that was warm and felt wet too . Then her father 's penis softened and , as she stood up , she too had long strings of white goo dripping out of her pussy . It was delicious for her to be like her older sisters . Betty wasn 't far behind , giving birth to her daughter before she reached her sweet sixteenth birthday . Her water broke while she was curled up in a chair reading Pollyanna to her father . Being as unimaginative as her sisters , she named the girl Polly . Not much has been said , thus far , about the girls ' brothers . That 's because there really isn 't much to tell . The girls took care of the boys just like they took care of their own offspring . These days folks would be amazed at that , but back then it wasn 't all that odd . Part of that was because there were fewer people around to begin with , which meant there were fewer people around to poke their noses into other people 's business . There was also less government " regulation " , meaning the government didn 't poke its nose into people 's business either . If you were well behaved and didn 't draw attention to yourself , you 'd pretty much be left alone . And by the time the boys went to school , Martha was old enough that nobody thought it was odd that she was in charge of a boy whose parents were marked as " deceased " on the forms . Add in there that , at that time in American history , there were no video games to keep a boy in his room for hours . Boys went outside and played with each other . They formed impromptu baseball teams and rode bikes and climbed trees and secretly explored junk yards . The boys were busy being boys , and that 's all that really needs to be said at this point . Well , I suppose it should be pointed out , just for clarification , that the boys were not privy to how Grandpa was being taken care of . Grandpa was boring . All he ever did was sleep . Nor did the girls ever develop any interest in the other penises in the house . They got all the dick they wanted from Bob . It sounds like the girls had no thought for anything other than riding their father 's boner . But that 's not true . They did become a bit more circumspect about their daily . . . and nightly . . . attempts to make sure their sleeping Daddy was happy and would be happy when he finally woke up . The fact that they were getting all the stiff prick they wanted . . . when they wanted it . . . and that the man giving them all that stiff prick didn 't argue , or fart , or snore or tell them they were stupid , made them treasure all that quality time with their father . They also learned in school that incest was frowned upon by the community at large , so they kept their activities quiet , both from the community , and their brothers , who grew up , moved out and started families of their own . The girls , however , could think of a lot of things to do that were more interesting than reading to a sleeping man , things that didn 't involve the sleeping man at all , and they usually did those things . Thus it was that after the " grandchildren " were all in bed , their mothers went the extra mile to ensure Bob 's happiness themselves . They had , by now , learned to use birth control , else Bob 's " grandchildren " number in the teens . Eventually , first Sunny , then Gidget and finally young Polly went away to college , followed by their brothers as the years went by . Their mothers , who had raised their children in the big old house - sort of a mini village kind of concept - finally had a chance to find a place of their own . June and Betty found cheap houses not far from the homestead and Martha stayed with Daddy . All three , however , kept taking care of Daddy , who slept on . Almost everyone in town was impressed ( some positively and some not so much ) with how Bob 's daughters had all forgone a lot what most women wanted - a husband - in the pursuit of taking care of the old man , who somehow didn 't look old enough to be a grandfather . But then again , everyone knew that sleeping kept you young , and that 's all he ever did . Besides , while the women didn 't have husbands , they obviously had round heels , as evidenced by all those babies they 'd had without all those husbands . Many a man in Circleton wished he could have been one of the fathers of some of those children . . . or the next one . But their advances were rebuffed , and in a nice way that didn 't make the men feel dirty . Basically , Martha , June and Betty were well liked by everyone in the neighborhood . Sunny , Gidget and Polly did all the things girls everywhere do . They met boys , loved them , hated them , and met more . They studied , had sleepovers , went to parties and lost their virginities in ways completely different than their mothers had . Though , not to put too fine a point on it , Gidget lost her virginity to a professor who actually looked older than her grandfather did , so one could suppose her experience was close to that of her mother 's . The man " prepped " Gidget during several of their heavy petting sessions , making sure that she could take two fingers before he skewered her with his academic member . Sunny succumbed to a smooth talking assistant football coach when she was a 19 year old cheerleader at Crampton University . She was quite sure she could marry him and live happily ever after . When she told him about the happy news that they were going to be parents , he was less than enthusiastic about it , but agreed to " do the right thing . " She named the little girl she bore him Valerie , in honor of her grandmother , the baby 's great grandmother . She found out fairly soon that despite " doing the right thing " her husband was a louse and divorced him when little Valerie was only five . She graduated and became employed , and went on with life . She never remarried , having decided that men were more trouble than they were worth . Gidget managed to parallel her cousin 's story remarkably closely . She went to a different university where she became the victim of another educator , as described before . He swore he was going to divorce his wife as he was spurting deep inside Gidget 's unprotected pussy , and it only took her two or three months to figure out what kind of asshole he was . She broke it off , changed colleges , and had the asshole 's daughter in 1982 . She was named Rebecca , primarily because the professor who had knocked her up was also a closet anti - Semitic and she knew that giving his daughter a good Hebrew name would hurt him more than anything else she could do . Polly , determined not to make the same mistake as her two cousins , shopped around until she found a man who was sensitive , caring and polite in the extreme . He also didn 't push her into anything , which made her feel better , if not a little superior to her cousins . In fact , she managed to remain a virgin until 1983 , when she was every bit of twenty . She was both amazed and delighted that , when she proposed , to the man who she finally awarded her virginity to , he not only accepted . . . he helped her plan the most beautiful wedding she could have imagined . He also helped decorate the house and made baby clothes for their daughter , named Francine , born in 1984 . He was better with a sewing machine than she was . Her only complaint was that her perfect husband didn 't seem to have much of a sex drive . That was because , as she found out in the nineties , when it was okay to admit these things , that her husband was , and always would be , a flaming homosexual . He had married her in an attempt to " fit in " . Still , he was as much fun to be around as any of her girlfriends , and they stayed together . . . as friends . As fate would decree , all three cousins ended up right back in Circleton , so named , supposedly , because a group of settlers who made it all the way across the prairie and the mountains without incident , had to circle the wagons to fight off a band of roving Paiute Indians when they finally got to the West coast . The settlers had actually won the day . They stayed there and built a town , figuring that if the Indians wanted it enough to fight for it , there must be some reason . No gold was ever found in those parts , but by then everyone was pretty much tired of moving . There was a natural inclination for their daughters to band together . While their ages were disparate , they were cousins , and that counted for quite a lot . It didn 't hurt that their mothers , who were technically cousins , had been raised in the same house and thought of themselves as sisters . The younger cousins played together , went to school together , got in trouble together and basically acted like sisters themselves , even though they lived in separate houses . So they did that . And , at the odd moment when the other two weren 't there , each young girl talked to the only man they felt like they could confide practically anything to without worrying about what he 'd say back , or who he would share those secrets with . They talked about all kinds of things they 'd never have talked about with a man who was awake , including , as they grew older , how they felt about certain boys , and what their bodies felt like sometimes when they touched themselves certain places . . . or when a boy touched them in those places . . . things like that . In short , he got told a lot of these kinds of secrets . Of course it wasn 't all sugar and spice for Bob 's descendents . There came a time , in 1970 , for instance , when a man from the insurance company came , saying that the company had been paying disability for too long , and demanding to see the beneficiary . He was duly taken into the room where Bob Winkle lay . He didn 't believe it was Bob , since the man in his files would have to have been at least fifty - five years old . This man was obviously only in his early to mid twenties . A court case ensued , which was resolved by the taking of Bob 's fingerprints , which proved that he was , indeed , the same Bob Winkle that the insurance company was indebted to . Heads were shaken , but a court ruling is a court ruling and all the people involved were too busy with making money to seek further into Bob 's condition . Once again , he was forgotten by all except his daughters , and their granddaughters . And so , life went on . Martha , June and Betty had settled into a rotating schedule in which they cared for their father , who was still ensconced in the family home which Martha lived in , even though the papers on the deed still listed her father and mother as owners . Each of the women , now in her early fifties , mounted his sleeping form with great regularity , sighing and moaning as they gently rocked themselves to sweet orgasms , and welcoming into their bellies the warm spurts of his not so sleeping issue . He had given each of them a beautiful daughter , and several sons . His sons . . . or grandsons , depending on how you look at it , had all become successful at various pursuits and were pillars of their respective communities . While his other daughters , or granddaughters , again depending on how you look at it , had been somewhat less successful in their pursuit of true love , they were , for the most part , well adjusted and carried on with little more pain in their lives than anyone else would experience . It was a sunny morning in May , 2000 , when Betty shuddered , her pussy clasping her sleeping father 's prick tightly as waves of pleasure swept over her naked body . At fifty - two , Betty was still a healthy and well preserved woman . She would like to have lost fifteen pounds , and she mourned the loosening of the muscles that had held her generous breasts up for so many years . She observed this as she held up those breasts , one in each hand , squeezing the fat brown nipples that perched on their tips . She had to hurry . Her granddaughter , Francine was due to arrive in half an hour for a birthday shopping trip . Betty had already had one orgasm , and was tempted to go for another one . She decided she didn 't have time though . Over the years she had learned that she could make her father 's long hard prick spurt whenever she wanted it to by using her pussy muscles just so . . . by rocking just this way . . . and making him cum was a habit by now . She and her sisters had decided long ago that Daddy deserved to cum as part of his " care " . She began to do what she knew would get his prick to spurt . Betty 's first reaction , the most normal of reactions , was shock . Part of that shock was because his eyes were brilliant sky blue . She had never seen her father 's eyes , or at least couldn 't remember seeing them . He had , after all , gone to sleep when she was still suckling her mother 's breasts . Part of that shock was because , while she " knew " that this man was her father , his youthful appearance belied that fact . He looked like a man in his early to mid twenties . While she had been young , that hadn 't seemed notable . But as she aged , and he stayed the same , her mind had begun to rebel at the notion that this handsome young man could be anything other than what he appeared to be . . . just a handsome young man . It was very conflicting , because she loved the concept that he was her father , and while she had only nice memories of the man who had impregnated her four times , it was still difficult for her to fully grasp the idea that he really was her father . Maybe that was one reason why it was so easy for her to have let herself be impregnated by him . Who knows ? It was , after all , an unusual situation . Another part of her shock was because he took a deep breath and let out a long sigh , part of which was probably due to the fact that his prick was right in the middle of spurting her full of semen . She had neither seen nor heard him do anything other than lie there quietly . And , of course , part of the shock was because while her sisters had always stubbornly claimed he would wake up some day . . . she secretly didn 't believe it . Her face was only inches from his , her body frozen as if she were made of stone . She stared into those endlessly deep blue eyes . His penis gave two more convulsive spurts and stopped . |
I 'm panicking just a bit . I leave town Wednesday morning for five days away . This is the first time I 've left B with all three kids . The last time I went on a trip was almost two years ago when I went to New York and found out I was pregnant with Campbell . How time flies . The girls are pretty well squared away each day . Ella 's in school until almost three , and Lily is in preschool every morning . Campbell 's pretty easy to entertain at the house , but it is tough to concentrate and work with him noodling around . B can easily work from home , it 's just a question of whether he 'll get any work done while he 's here . Which is what 's making me panic . He 's stressed about three days of potentially falling behind , and his stress is affecting me . I 'm almost at the point of cancelling the trip , which will just kill my mother and our friend Jean , whom we 're staying with for the two of the days . I know that I need to get away and that I 've earned this break ( boy have I earned this break ) , but it 's still hard to think about leaving for so long . Wednesday I get into Baltimore at 1 : 30 and meet up with my mom , who arrives about 30 minutes before I do , and then we head into DC . We 're staying at some shi - shi place near the White House ( maybe I can stroll over and kick the current occupant of the WH in the shins ) and the Mall . We 'll do touristy stuff Wednesday afternoon and evening . I plan to use my morning run on Thursday to tour the Mall and see all the big monuments . Thursday afternoon our long - time family friend Jean is meeting us at the National Gallery to see an Edward Hopper exhibit . I don 't care so much about seeing the exhibit ; I just used it an excuse to go on the trip . After the National Gallery we 'll head to Shepherds Town , W VA , where Jean lives , to spend two days at her house doing absolutely nothing . In the meantime , there 's just so much to do ! I have laundry to fold and get put away so the kids and husband don 't have to go naked by day 5 , groceries to buy , and work to do . I have two projects going on at Holt , both with deadlPosted by I haven 't written about running lately because , frankly , there 's nothing much to report . Campbell 's taken taken to waking up at o ' dark - hundred every morning , and I can never tell whether he 's going to go back to sleep for 15 minutes or two hours . If I do run these days , it 's with Campbell in the jogger , and while I love having him along for the ride , pushing the jogger stinks . Wednesday morning I ran a quick 1 1 / 2 mile out - and - back in the neighborhood and then did circuit training - lunges , squats , step - ups , crunches , etc on the front lawn , followed by a lap around the block . After each lap I 'd stand outside Campbell 's window and listen for screaming . He woke up while I was on my second lap , so I finished up and headed inside . I don 't feel comfortable leaving behind a possibly screaming baby because you could drive a freight train through our bedroom and B would sleep through it . I 'm not exagerating . When I do leave the baby behind , I put the monitor next to B 's ear and turn the volume up to 11 . This morning , according to the girls , they had to go get B to tell him Campbell was up . This doesn 't help my nerves about my upcoming trip . But that 's another post for another time . Anyway , I headed down to the trail this morning for the first time in what seems like months . I got there at 6 : 20 and didn 't expect to see any running friends , which was just fine with me ; I wanted to run my own thing . But as I was headed across the MoPac bridge , I saw Cristina , who convinced me to turn around and at least say hi to the rest of the group . Long story short , they convinced me to start out with them . I ran the first two miles with Anne , Cristina , and Shannon , and I felt surprisingly strong , especially given that I was chatting with Cristina the whole way . The girls were headed off onto surface roads for what ended up being another five miles , so I stuck to the trail , finishing the four - mile loop . It was definitely the right choice : I finished feeling good and like I had accomplished something . It was a better run than many of the onesPosted by Here 's a list of things I 'd forgotten about 1 - year - olds / new toddlers . They look like a cross between Charlie Chaplin and a duck when they walk , especially if they 're just wearing a diaper . They get good at going up stairs very quickly , but it takes them MUCH longer to figure out how to get back down safely . In the meantime , I develop lightening - fast reflexes every time Campbell gets near the stairs . They develop this fascination with putting things in other things . We 've learned that whenever we can 't find our keys / cell phone / tv remote / hairbrush / etc we need to look in all of the drawers , garbage cans , and diaper pails within Campbell 's reach . Ella and Lily have learned to check the kitchen trash for missing toys . Campbell 's thrown away quite a lot of their stuff . Each time they get upset I remind them that if they had picked up the toy to begin with , Campbell wouldn 't have been able to throw it away . They demonstrate the law of physics that says , " A body in motion will stay in motion . . . " Campbell will walk and walk and walk in a straight line until he runs into something or I head him off and turn him around . Then he walk in a straight line whichever direction I 've just faced him . He 's like a little wind - up toy waddling along . They don 't sit still , not ever . Campbell will not sit in my lap at all , even when he wants comforting . If he falls down or donks his head or just needs reassurance , he will waddle over and hold up his arms for me to hold him . He 'll put his head on my shoulder for about 2 seconds and then wriggle back off my lap . He won 't even sit in my lap to drink a bottle of milk . And now that he 's down to just nursing once a day , he doesn 't even want to hold still for that . I think tonight 's his last night of nursing before bed . They are just so fun . I had been so sad about Campbell 's turning one that I forgot how fun babies are at this stage . He loves doing things to make me laugh and gives big belly laughs when I do something silly , like putting my shoe on my head . He 's a tremendous flirt with just ahokgardner Yesterday I took the kids on a long - promised trip to the new Town Lake Park , down by Auditorium Shores . I had an almost - blinding migraine , but I decided to grit my teeth and go , because I knew if we didn 't , I 'd spend the afternoon listening to crying and whining about how I had " PROMISED " to take them . I 'm glad we went . The girls ran and laughed and splashed for an hour . Campbell staggered around after them , occassionaly venturing off on his own towards the big lawn . I 'd have to head him off at the pass and herd him back to the proper area . As we left , Ella asked if she could wear her bathing suit the next time , and I said yes , but I honestly think that part of what made it so fun for them was that they were in their clothes getting soaked . After we played in the fountains , I tried to get a picture of all three kids looking happy . It didn 't go well . Scene : The girls during bath time . Ella : Lily , wanna hear a joke ? What did the strawberry do when it saw the apple turn over ? Lily : What ? Ella : It rolled ! Lily : Puzzled silenceElla : I know . I don 't get it either . After last week 's meltdown over cleaning their room , the girls have been doing a great job of straightening up each afternoon . I decided to capitalize on their current level of cooperation by having them join me in Saturday morning chores . So this Saturday , after a decent amount of cartoon time ( we 're still doing really well with our tv - free school days , by the way ) , I told the girls it was time to clean their room . They marched off cheerfully and cleaned to the song stylings of Joe McDermott , coming out a half hour later to announce they were finished . After my inspection , I told them they were going on a treasure hunt , which got their attention . The treasures were all of their books scattered throughout the house , and I promised a prize to whoever found the most books . Of course Ella won , but I told Lily there was a prize for second place . Ella 's prize was getting to dust my room . The look on her face was classic : on the one hand , she knew she 'd been had , but on the other , she loves getting to use the feather duster . She she twirled off to my room , duster in hand . I told Lily her prize was getting to dust the living room . She burst into tears and said , " But I want to vacuum the kitchen ! " So I pretended to think about it for a few minutes before letting her vacuum to her heart 's content . Then she asked to mop , and again , after " thinking " about it , I agreed to let her mop the kitchen if she did a good job vacuuming . Ella arrived to protest that it wasn 't fair that Lily got to mop but she didn 't . So I told her she could mop the living room and their bathroom . But then Lily wanted to mop more , so I told her she could mop the hall and one of the bedrooms . Before I knew it , they had vacuumed and mopped the whole front of the house . The floors weren 't spotless when they were done , but they were pretty clean . Plus the girls had fun , and I got to fold laundry instead of vacuuming and mopping . It was a good deal all around . So we celebrated by going to " Chick - ill - a " for lunch . Last night was the annual Gardner Group client appreciation party , and for a change it went really well . Two years ago we had the still - talked - about Cruise from Hell on Lake Travis . The party planner rented a party boat that docked at Lakeway Marina , about a 45 - minute drive for most people . To get to the boat , you had to climb down narrow , steep stairs and wend your way along boat docks . I did this with two kids in tow who were in constant danger of falling in . Once we got to the boat , things didn 't improve . It was mid - August at 5 : 00 pm , and it was HOT . The boat could hold 100 people , and we had 110 , so the captain refused to leave the dock until 10 people got off . So we sat at the marina , baking in the sun , with the captain walking around with his stupid little clicky counter muttering about how there were too many people . Finally , 10 people left and we set sail . The cruise itself was fine - we had good food and good wine . Rob , the office manager , brought tons of candy for all the kids , so they were happy . But things took a dire turn when one guest , a 17 - year - old touched a piece of fish and then touched her mouth . She is deathly allergic to fish , and had an immediate reaction from just that little bit of contact . We had to turn the boat around and call for an ambulance to meet us at the dock . Once we got to the dock , the captain started screaming at everyone to get off so the paramedics could do their work . He started yelling at me until I informed him I was the wife of the guy writing the check . I thought last year 's party was great , even though it wasn 't well attended . The low turnout was a result of poor scheduling , nothing more . The planner rented out this place called the Party Barn , and we had the whole spread to ourselves , including a great pool . The kids swam the whole time we were there , except for when we fished them out to eat . There was barbecue and horseshoes and ice cream and a moon bounce and little train . I had a blast , as did everyone who attended . Unfortunately , only about 50 people were there , iPosted by After spending way too much time this past week reading blogs , I 've come to a bitter realization - I can 't write funny . I just can 't . I 'm not saying I 'm not funny , because I happen to think I am - or at the very least I 'm odd . I can tell a funny story without a problem . I say funny things . My friends laugh at my stories , and I really do think they 're laughing at the stories , not at me . I can tell a joke and not step over the punchline . But I can 't write funny . I can tell a funny story about something the kids have done or said and then sit down to write it out , and it falls flat - every time . There was a " Studio 60 " show where Matt Perry 's character was trying to teach Sarah Paulson 's character to tell a joke , and as funny an actress as she was , she couldn 't deliver the joke . That 's me , but with writing . This realization is rather disheartening , because I 'm a good writer . I get paid to write . I write very well about lots of different things . And there are so many bloggers out there who aren 't very good writers , but they CAN write funny . It 's just not fair . So what do I do ? Do I try to become a funny writer ? Do I accept my non - funnyness and focus on writing well ? Do I stop reading the laugh - out - loud funny blogs ? Do I throw up my hands and give up blogging in despair ? I just don 't know . In the meantime , I think I 'm going to take the rest of the weekend off from reading and writing blogs and give my brain a rest . Besides , I have a sock to finish knitting , and blogging takes away from my limited knitting time . Even though I left last night 's PTA meeting feeling pretty good about the future of our little school , there were three bits of business that troubled me . Actually , they made me pretty angry . First , our school 's commercial - grade dishwasher has been " condemned " by the district . Apparently it was original to the school when it was built in 1950 - something and has broken to the point where it cannot be repaired . So does the district install a new dishwasher ? No . There is apparently some obscure ratio of students / teachers / staff that decides whether a school NEEDS a dishwasher , and our school doesn 't have the right ratio . Instead , the kids eat off Styrofoam trays that release all sorts of fun chemicals and MELT when hot food is put on them . Each day the school uses enough trays to fill a dumpster and then pays $ 100 per day to get the dumpster emptied . Because all that is apparently better than buying a new dishwasher . So the PTA and the soon - to - be - formed environmental club are going to research the cost of a new dishwasher and the cost of hiring someone to wash the dishes and see if the PTA can donate the money to the school . Second , the school 's photocopier can 't keep up with the demand . The school doesn 't have the money for a second one , so the PTA is looking into leasing one for the school , at a cost of $ 6 , 000 for two years . This started a bit of a commotion at the meeting , because some man kept yammering about how he works with copiers all the time and knows how we can get one cheaper . Nevermind that the PTA has to go through the district 's leasing office to get the copier . The guy wouldn 't let it go until the treasurer , the divine Lisa R , asked him he 'd like to make a motion to research copier leases . He said no . As is typical with those kinds of folks , when it was time to put up or shut up , he shut up . Too bad he had to annoy everyone and slow down the meeting first . Third , the PTA donated $ 50 to each classroom for school supplies . It 's great that the PTA did this , it really is . But I 'm upset because I know that $ 50Posted by That 's what the weather felt like to me tonight as I walked to and from our elementary school for a PTA meeting . Warm with a hint of cool is entirely different than cool with a hint of hot , which is what happens in the spring . Right now , the warm with a hint of cool holds the promise of fall and cool evenings and even cooler mornings . It holds the hope that I might just survive my 13th summer here in Austin . I love the fall in Austin ; it 's my reward for making it through the intolerable summers . The air smelled so good out as I walked home . I don 't know if lots of people have recently mowed their lawns , of if some particular tree is in bloom ( which could be the cause of my miserable allergies today ) or what , but it just smelled so good . I finished the walk home in such a peaceful mood - at least until I walked in and saw that the dinner dishes were still on the counter . Sigh . In B 's defense , he was working pretty much the whole time I was at the meeting . The PTA meeting also helped my mood . Our nice little school is definitely in transition . The school has a pretty diverse population , with a large percentage of Hispanic and non - native English speakers . Last year the PTA sort of fell apart , for a lot of reasons , but this year 's committee is really on the ball and really committed to working with the school and changing a lot of things for the better . One of the goals of the PTA is to get the minority families more involved , and I saw the beginings of it tonight . There was a pot - luck dinner at the school before the meeting , and there were families of all shapes and sizes and colors and ethnicities in attendence . It made me proud of our little school . The meeting also had the highest member attendance it 's had in years , with lots of parents who are new to the school . It 's great to see so many new folks coming in to work on making the school a better place . Seeing everyone there reinforced my decision to have the kids attend the neighborhood school . Great things are ahead for Brentwood . So I 'm feeling oddly optomistic toPosted by I finished my first sock ! It 's a bit lumpy in places , and it 's a little too small . The kitchner stitch at the toe isn 't perfect , but I can see how it 's supposed to look . I wore the sock last night after I finished it to keep me motivated as I cast on its twin - fraternal , not identical . Mom called and left a message congratulating me on the sock . She informed me that I learned four new knitting skills in just one sock : ssk - this is where you slip stitches to the right needle to knit them together . It 's like a backwards combining stitch . short row - this is what you do on the heel . Apparently it will come in handy if I ever knit other things like sweaters . kitchner stitch - this is a general , all purpose way of joining two pieces of knitting . casting on stitches from another piece - I can 't even begin to describe what this is , but it 's not the casting on you do when you start a piece . B is so thrilled that I 'm finally learning to knit socks . He 's been begging for hand - knit socks for ages . He even said he 'd go to the yarn shop with me to pick out the wool . Now I just need a good pattern for men 's socks . Posted by Some answers to questions I 've gotten : Why wouldn 't you want to take a medicine that causes you to gain weight ? It seems like a small price to pay . I did try taking the medicine , and I gained 8 pounds in five days . Not good . Plus , I have a history of , ummm , anorexia . When I get stressed , or depressed , or otherwise feel like my life is out of control , I stop eating . Having rampant migraines AND gaining weight triggered some bad behaviors on my part . So after two months , I stopped taking the medication , lost the weight almost immediately without starving myself , and stopped beating myself up about not being able to fit into my clothes . What are your triggers ? I 've been able to pin down some things that pretty much guarantee a migraine : red wine , strawberries , lack of sleep , allergies , ozone days , and stress . There are other things that might trigger a migraine if the conditions are right , or wrong , depending on how you look at it : running , not running , heat , humidity , margaritas , and chocolate . Are there different levels of pain ? Yes . I have some migraines that are mostly the side symptoms - like the visual distortions and sensitivities - with pain that 's a 3 or 4 on a scale of 10 . Those are the migraines that tend to go on for a week or so . Then there are the migraines that go all the way up to 11 . Those are the ones that put me in bed in a cold , dark room in a haze of hydrocodone . As bad as the ones that go to 11 are , it 's the low - level migraines that last for several days that take the most out of me . I get so worn down from feeling just well enough to function , but not well enough to thrive . Before I had kids , I 'd go to bed when I had one of these and sleep it off . I don 't have that luxury anymore . I have to save my retreats to bed for the really , really bad ones . I 've had bad headaches before , so I know how you feel . Umm , no offense here , but if you 've never had a migraine , you don 't know how one feels . Imagine your worst ice - cream headache . Now multiply it by ten , have it last 36 hours instead of 30 seconds , and jusPosted by I 'm currently in the throes of my second migraine in two days . Right now I 'm getting about two a week . For the past few weeks I 've maxed out on the number of Imitrex pills I 'm allowed to take in a certain number of hours . Actually , now that I think about it , I should probably say that I 've had the same migraine for two days , with a few hours ' respite in there somewhere . Usually , my migraines come on in the afternoons , which is what happened yesterday . We had a house full of friends - including lots of kids - for an impromptu party for Campbell 's birthday . We had a big one a week ago while my folks were here , but the girls insisted that we have another party ON Campbell 's birthday , so we did . Anyway , the migraine hit me like a mac truck , no warning signs , no visual distortions . I took an Imitrex and felt marginally better in the evening , but I was in bed and asleep by 9 : 30 or so . When I woke up I felt like it would be a bad day , but I went for a run anyway , hoping that doing so would help . Sometimes exercise gets rid of minor migraines . It seemed to work this morning , but as the day wore on , and the rains rolled through , the migraine returned . I 've had migraines since I was a child . I vividly remember having them when we lived in Massachusetts . I remember lying curled up on the family room sofa feeling like my head was going to explode . I remember having lots of them after we moved to Florida , having to go to the nurse 's office because I was in so much pain . And then there were the headaches in high school - maybe that 's why I did so poorly in calculus . Hmmm . I 've had people ask if I 'm upset that my parents never did anything about my headaches when I was little , but I 'm not at all . I don 't think migraines were well known then , and who would think a little kid would have them . Mom would give me aspirin and send me off to my room to rest , which is about all anyone could have done . Sometimes she gave me some flat Coke to drink , and since caffeine can sometimes help , that was actually a good thing for her to do . In colPosted by Today is Campbell 's first birthday , and I 'm feeling a little sad . I know he 's my last baby , and I feel like I have to hug and snuggle every ounce of babyness I can out of him now because he 's getting so big , so fast . Last week he decided he was going to walk , and now he walks everywhere . It looks so ridiculous to see someone so short staggering around the house , but there he goes , off on another lap around the living room . But to temper the sadness , there is the absolute joy that Campbell has brought to our family . When B and I were discussing whether to have a third child , the only thing I could say to counter all of B 's very logical , rational arguments against another baby was " Someone is missing from our family . " And Campbell is exactly who was missing . He is such a sunny littly guy , tagging along behind his big sisters . He loves sitting at the kitchen table with them for afternoon snack . He 'll join in the conversation , jabbering at them like he is telling them all about his day . And when the girls start laughing about something , Campbell will look at them for a moment and then start laughing too . He has no idea what 's so funny , but if they 're laughing , it must be funny . When Campbell gets his hands on some new toy , or something he 's not supposed to have , he 'll sit on the floor and spin in circles , like he 's on a sit ' n ' spin , jabbering . It 's hysterical to see . He also loves to throw his toys as he noodles around the house , but he usually throws them behind him , and then looks extremely puzzled at their disappearance . His greatest heartbreak is when Ella and Lily lock him out of their bedroom . If he manages to get in there with him , Ella will pick him up and plop him in the hallway and close the door . Campbell will crawl over to their door and bang on it while yelling . He got even with them last week by shredding some artwork Ella had hung on the outside of her bedroom door . Campbell keeps getting more fun every day . I really feel like I 've been able to enjoy his babyhood more than I did the girls ' . With Ella I wPosted by After a week - long lull in my knitting , I made great progress on my sock this weekend . Friday night I turned the heel , with my mom coaching me along via speakerphone . B teased us that we should try brain surgery together . I had been told that when you turn your first heel you feel like a genius , and it 's true . I felt so very smart when I looked at my needles and saw an actual heel dangling from them . I thought I was pretty close to finished and was about to start the decrease process , but at mom 's suggestion I tried the sock on . It 's a good thing I did - I have a long way to go , as you can see . Posted by Ella has her friend M spending the night tonight . The girls have been buddies since they were about 18 months old , and spending the night is their new favorite thing . M arrived with her American Girl Doll Kirsten in tow , along with Kirsten 's luggage . Kirsten and Ella 's doll , Hermione , have been sitting next to each other on the sofa all evening , having a good chat , I suppose . Right now the dolls are being changed into their nightgowns and sleeping bonnets . Later they 'll be tucked into Hermione 's crib for their own little slumber party . The main activity of the evening has been watching The Parent Trap , the original version with Hayley Mills AND Hayley Mills , and the girls have been mesmerized by it . I love that they think this is a cool movie , despite its lack of animation , special effects ( unless you count HM sharing scenes with herself ) , and princesses . They 've been cackling at the pranks pulled , and getting some bad ideas , I 'm afraid , and guessing what 's going to happen next . It 's so nice to see that they are still 6 going on 7 instead of 6 going on 13 - at least for tonight . Lily has been hanging out with the big girls . She considers this just as much her sleepover as Ella 's . She isn 't quite old enough to understand that she 's the pesky little sister in this situation . Fortunately , Ella and M are pretty tolerant of her presence , and her gymnastics on the blow - up mattress in the living room . Lily couldn 't still tonight if her life depended on it . B and I have tried to lure her out of the room with promises of one - on - one time with us , but she 'd far rather watch a movie she doesn 't quiet understand with the big girls . We 've been so fortunate with the girls ' friends so far . They are all really neat kids with great parents . I know at some point it will change , and they 'll bring home friends we aren 't fond of , so we 're enjoying the good times while they last . I have an iPod again ! My beloved iPod , which was a second - generation one , purchased two years ago when it was the newest model , has met a slow and painful death . I have a long , troubled history with my iPod , and the one that just died was my third . I had to send the first two back to be replaced , one within two months of my receiving it . This one lasted just over a year before biting the dust . I need to contact customer service about repairing it , but I just haven 't gotten around to doing so yet . For the past few months the iPod would work sporadically . Some days it would function just fine ; on others it would lock up after 5 minutes . I could usually jump start it by doing a hard shut down or connecting it to the computer and firing up iTunes . But it eventually got to the point where not even a hard shut down would start it , and the iTunes stopped recognizing it . I think the latest iTunes software is just too advanced for my ancient model iPod . So while we were at S . Padre , I checked on eBay for iPods . I had heard that lots of people were selling their fifth generation devices because they 'd gotten iPhones . It turns out I 'd heard correctly - I had more than 200 to bid on . After several tries , I won a fifth generation black iPod with 30GB for $ 150 . Yay . But then the waiting begain . It took contacting the guy I bought it from 2 times for him to actually ship it . And then he ended up sending it to the wrong address and it was returned to him . Last week I sent him my correct address , and the iPod finally arrived today . Fortunately Lily and Campbell were in rest time and Ella was at school so I could play with it without being bothered . I 've restored the drive and put all my music / books / videos on it and renamed it . I haven 't had a chance to watch a video or show on it yet , but I 'm looking forward to testing it out . In the meantime , I will be catching up on all the podcasts that have been collecting while I 've been iPod - less . It 's been a very long three weeks not having one . I wonder how we ever got along before iPods were Posted by Last night B was flipping through the channels when I spotted a scene that looked familiar , but I couldn 't quite place it . I made him go back , and when I realized what the movie was , I started laughing . It was Honky Tonk Freeway , quite possibly one of the worst movies ever made . But it also has the distinction of being partially filmed in Sarasota , FL , where I grew up . My mom also worked on the movie , for one night . She was a stand - in for some blonde actress ; she thinks it was Beverly D ' Angelo . The movie folks painted part of a small town on the outskirts of Sarasota pink and blew up an overpass on the freeway . Fun stuff ! The movie revolves around Ticlaw , a small town that 's been bypassed by the freeway . The mayor comes up with plans to lure tourists - painting the town pink , giving away gas , building a sarari park , teaching an elephant to water ski . Finally , he decides to blow up the overpass and route everyone into town . Throughout this we meet various travelers who end up in Ticlaw together . The thing that amazed me , aside from the sheer awfullness , was the cast . It had an amazing cast - Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy ( what they did to them at the end was just plain WRONG ) , Howard Hessman , Terri Garr , William Devane , Beverly D ' Angelo , and Daniel Stern , to name a few . It was a virtual who 's who of early ' 80s stars ! And it was still terrible . I called dad and offered to pay him $ 100 if he could guess the movie we were watching . Of course , he couldn 't . After Honky Tony Freeway , we watched part of Drop Dead Gorgeous , one of my absolute all - time favorite movies - ever . I laugh so hard it hurts through sections of it . Ellen Barkin and Allison Janney have to be the best on - screen pairing ever . They look like they had an absolute blast filming it - and like they were drunk the whole time . The list of ridiculous things goes on and on - the mushroom clouds every time someone blows up , the COPs film crew showing up , the vomiting at the state competition , Allison Janney at the state competition , the deaf baby . It all makes mePosted by Yesterday morning Lily was just a wreck . She was such a mess that I checked her temperature twice , thinking she was coming down with something . But Lily wans 't running a fever . She cried the whole way to preschool because she wanted me to button her sweater for her . My explanation of the laws of safety and physics and why I couldn 't button her sweater AND drive the car had no effect on her . When we got to school she stopped crying , but only because one of her friends had brought a " Baby Cinderella " doll for show and tell . Even though she wasn 't crying , she was still pretty listless . I expected to get a call during the morning to come get her because she had started running a fever or something . For the record , I strictly abide by the no fever for 24 hours rule at both our schools . I get so mad when parents bring kids to school and say , " He was running a fever at bedtime , but he was fine this morning so I brought him in . " It 's 24 hours , people , not 12 ! All you 've done is brought your child in to infect my child . Anyway , when I picked her up after lunch she was just fine , singing and twirling and telling me all about her day . She 's supposed to start " ballelet " classes again today , so we went on a field trip and bought new tights and a new leotard . My plan was to buy new slippers this morning on our way to class . But then at bedtime Lily fell apart again - crying because she was coughing and sniffling . I gave her some advil and rubbed her forehead for a while as she nodded off . She woke up a few times in the night , whimpering , but still no fever . This morning it 's a different story . She woke up with a fever of 100 . 6 , which I know will go up during the day . So she 's flat on the sofa , watching Little Bear , and being brave about staying home from her first day of ballet . I knew yesterday morning that illness was on the horizon ; my timing was just off a bit There , I 've said it . I don 't like my children , not one little bit . Not today . Don 't get me wrong - I love them more than I can bear and would do anything for them , but today I just can 't stand them . They 're ganging up on me , and I 'm ready to go crazy . And of course , B 's not here tonight to help , which makes things worse . Campbell can 't or won 't get into a nap routine . It seems like he 's ready to switch to one nap , but instead of taking one long one , he takes a 45 - minute nap in the morning and then screams when I put him down in the afternoon . Today he screamed for half an hour , despite my going in and patting him every five minutes . I gave up when Ella came home from school and we were invited next door for snack . Campbell was so tired during dinner that I thought he was going to fall asleep in his chair . The girls have embarked on a whole new level of disrespect . What baffles me about their behavior is that we don 't let them get away with back talk and sticking out of tongues and arguing , yet they persist in doing it . I 've gotten very tired of telling them to do something and not getting any acknowledgement of my presence in the room , so B and I are trying to teach them to say yes ma ' am and no ma ' am to me . It 's not going well . I have to remind Ella she 's supposed to say it , and when she does Lily just parrots her , giggling . When I 'm giving them instructions , or talking to them about anything serious , I tell the girls to look at me . Their new trick is to turn their faces towards me but to roll their eyes away . I think they think they 're following the spirit of the law - they 're looking at me , but not really . Or they don 't realize that I can clearly see what they 're up to . So I stop talking and stare at them until they really look at me . Some conversations take a very long time . As a result I 've turned into Mean , Evil Mom today . The girls ' room was such a mess that I didn 't even open the shades in there this morning because I didn 't want to run the risk of having anyone see in there from the outside . So after playtime aPosted by My mom has a genius for telling stories about horrible accidents that cause the death of a friend of a friend . I thought my mom was the only one who told these stories , but the more I talk to friends about their mothers , the more I realize it seems to be a mom trait . One friend told me how her mother , or was it her mother - in - law , told her to never knit in the car because someone she knew was knitting while riding in the car and died when they were in a crash and the knitting needle stabbed her . She also told my friend never to carry a punch bowl in her lap because she heard about this bride who was riding in the car on the way to her wedding / reception holding a punch bowl . Of course , she was in a crash and died , on her wedding day , because a shard of glass from the punch bowl pierced her heart . Heidi 's mom tells tales , too . But Heidi named my mom the winner after two recent stories . A few weeks ago Ella and I were riding on the inner tube up at the lake when B whipped us across the wake . Ella and I both went flying . When I told mom , she got pretty upset at B for driving the boat recklessly . A few days later , she called to tell me about a friend of a friend who was at the beach and leaned over to pick up a shell . While he was bent over , he got hit by a rogue wave that knocked him over and broke his neck . He died . It is tragic , really . I feel awful for his family and friends , I really do . But I had to laugh at mom for telling the story as an illustration of why B shouldn 't have sent me and Ella flying off the tube . Today I took mom and dad to Ella 's school so we could join her for lunch . As we were leaving , mom commented on the signs about how the school is doing things for the environment . Then she told me about a friend of a friend who went out to turn her compost heap , which had some rare spores in it that got released and she inhaled them . And she died . I groaned . Dad asked if she had been returned to the compost heap to join the decomposition cycle . There have been other stories - kids who climbed into dishwashersPosted by I 've become a Bravo TV junkie . They have so many addictive reality - based shows . My favorites this summer were Flipping Out ( Jeff 's not OCD , he 's just bossy and annoying ) , Welcome to the Parker ( although this one went downhill after the ping - pong tournament ) , and Top Chef ( my love of this show is only enhanced by Tony Bourdain 's regular appearances ) . Because I 've been watching lots of Bravo , I 've seen lots of ads for Tim Gunn 's Guide to Style , which premiered last week . I love Tim Gunn . He 's my favorite part of Project Runway ( Laura was robbed ! ) , so I was thrilled to hear that he was getting his own show . I watched the first show , and it just didn 't live up to my expectations . It was slow , dry , and not very inspiring . I did like the list of wardrobe essentials every woman should have , and I will use it when I start rebuilding my closet this fall . When I got pregnant with Campbell , I cleaned out my closet ruthlessly , and now that I 'm almost back to my pre - pregnancy weight and size , I don 't have much left to wear other than shorts and polo shirts . Not that I have lots of places to go that require more than shorts or polo shirts , but it would be nice to have options . Anyway , I found the show odd . It 's not like What Not to Wear , where they take clothing train wrecks and transform them . The girl this week just dressed a little frumpily , not terribly . And her after wardrobe , with the exception of the Catherine Malandrino dress , didn 't wow me . The oddest part of the evening was the woman 's reaction to the new wedding ring she got from her husband . She gushed and cried and trembled and thanked her husband Augie over and over again . He stood there and took the credit even though he saw the ring for the first time when Tim gave it to him that afternoon . Augie didn 't come up with the idea , didn 't pick it out , and didn 't pay for it , yet his wife acted like it was the best thing he 'd ever done for her . Wha ? I 'm hoping Tim hits his stride and the show improves with time . Tim 's too talented and too much fun to watch for the show to dPosted by Mom is indoctrinating the next generation of knitters . Yesterday she taught the girls to knit . Ella has taken to it completely . She 's in the process of making a lumpy scarf for her American Girl Doll - she 's extremely proud of it , and rightly so . My first scarf , which I made with my grandmother 's help , looked much the same . Mom can 't wait to get home and tell the folks in her Thursday night knitting group about it . She had less success with Lily , who at 4 has the attention span of a bug . Mostly Lily made knots out of her yarn . But she did get to go on a field trip to Hobby Lobby to buy new knitting needles and purple yarn for her project . My sock is slowly growing , one row at a time . That 's about all I can knit at a time before getting interupted by someone or something . Posted by Thanks to my mother , Barb , and the Yarn Harlot , I 've decided to try sock knitting . My grandmother taught me to knit when I was about Ella 's age , and I messed around with it over the years , never doing anything serious . After Ella was born , I decided to take it up again , and I got really good at baby hats : I knit lots of baby hats . Then when Lily was born I ran out of time to knit baby hats , and packed up my knitting needles on the top shelf of the closet . My mom has been knitting for ages , making the kids sweaters every year for Christmas . But this summer she decided to knit socks , and she sent me the first pair she knit . They 're beautiful . I can 't wait for the winter so that I can wear them . Each time mom comes to town , we have to make a pilgrimage to Hill Country Weavers , a yarn / knitting store on South Congress . We went down yesterday , and I bought some number 2 double - point needles and a skein of sock yarn . Mom gave me a copy of her sock pattern , and I cast on . My goal is to get to the heel , which is where it gets complicated , while my mom is still here so that she can talk me through it . Here 's my first sock after about an hour 's worth of knitting . And here 's the sock mom cast on yesterday morning . I have a long way to go . Both yarns are " self striping " so we won 't know what the socks will look like until they 're done . It 's fun to watch the pattern appear as you work . I 've promised B , who 's been begging for hand - knit socks for years , that once I get through my first " practice " pair , I 'll knit some for him . Maybe I 'll actually accomplish that in the next year or so . Every who knits socks says it 's addictive . I 'm not sure I believe it yet . I 've found my saviour , and he ( it ? ) is the Flying Spaghetti Monster . I 'm not sure what it all means , but it exactly suits my silly sense of humor - especially the hate mail section from people who apparently have no sense of humor or irony or satire . Take a look . In the meantime , I 'm ordering myself a Pastafarian shirt . My mom is here , spoiling the kids rotten . Her reactions to the kids crack me . And they make me wonder where this woman was when I was growing up . I think mom has been replaced by a gran - robot or alien or something . Yesterday Lily was in full melt - down mode , which was making my mom sort of frantic . First , the girls decided to have a tea party with the tea set Gran gave Ella for her birthday a few years ago . It has two place settings and a little china doll . As Ella was setting stuff out and bossing Lily about what plates and cups she could use , Lily started sobbing that she wanted a little " doll with braids " to have tea with . My response was to get another doll for Lily and sell it as a " special " doll , which it is . It was my doll when I was a child . Mom 's response ? She promised Lily she 'd take her to the store where she got Ella 's and see if she could find another tea set with a little doll . Lily learned a very fast lesson : crying works with Gran . Thus began an afternoon of tears . I responded as I usually do - I sent Lily to her room to cry and told her she could come out when she was finished . Mom was convinced each time that Lily 's heart was just breaking over whatever the issue was . Each time I pointed out that Lily stopped crying about a minute after she went in her room . I also pointed out that despite all the heart - breaking sobs , Lily 's eyes were completely dry : not a tear in sight . Campbell spent the morning here with Gran while I was at school with Lily , helping in her class . Even though I wasn 't here to witness goings - on , I 'm betting that whatever Campbell wanted , Campbell got . When I cleaned up Campbell 's lunch plate , I found remnants of a cookie . And yesterday , Campbell got his third through fifth M & Ms , thanks to Gran . Right now , Ella is taking up Gran 's complete attention , having her help select a shell for her " me " bag for school . I keep thinking I should go rescue mom , but she seems to be having a great time , so I 'm busy getting other things done . It 's nice to have an extra pair of hands around the housePosted by Mom arrived today , and I broke down and gave her my present . I had it sitting on the dresser in Campbell 's bedroom , which is where she sleeps . Here it is : It 's a collage by an artist named Claudine Hellmuth . I found out about her from Heidi , who had gotten a collage of her kids ( and her dog and cat ) for her husband for father 's day . I fell in love with the picture and decided that one would be perfect for my mother 's somethingth birthday . It 's an easy process . You fill out a request form and send Claudine photos that you want to use . She photocopies the faces and incorporates them into the collage . What you can 't tell from the picture is that it has texture - Ella 's belt is a ribbon , and the songs coming out of the birds ' mouths are from musical scores . The grass is tissue paper over the canvas . Heidi helped me pick out a frame and matting ( with further help from this awesome guy at Jerry 's Artarama ) , and I put everything together for her . The way the mats are cut you can see the rumpled edge of the canvas and the tissue paper and the wrinkles . It looks wonderful . Fortunately , after all the buildup I 've given her , mom loved the picture . I 'm having a hard time with the idea that I have to let it go . I 've gotten used to having it in my bedroom . Perhaps it 's time I commission one for myself . Posted by This morning I forgot to send Ella with lunch money to add to her account , so I decided to surprise her by joining her for lunch and dropping off the money in person . I arrived at school , with Campbell in tow , about 10 minutes before the class left for lunch . I made sure to ask the teacher if it was ok that I was there . I don 't know her well enough yet to know whether she allows drop - in visits , and I didn 't want to get off on the wrong foot . Fortunately , she said I had picked the perfect time to arrive because the kids were working on their daily writing workshop . I glanced at Ella 's writing sheet and just about had a heart attack . The first word I saw was " bich . " I was sure that she was writing about how her mother was a real " bich " sometimes . I took a deep breath and looked again and was relieved to read that instead she had written about her trip to the bich and the fun things she had done . Phew . I spent the few minutes I was in the class sitting on the floor behind Ella 's chair , just watching the goings - on . The teacher seems to run a very calm classroom , and the kids are getting the hang of the routine - most of them at least . One girl drifted over to me and said that she had run out of room on her writing sheet and asked what she should do . Instead of solving the problem for her , I asked what Ms . Sluyter would say to do . The girl thought for a moment and said that the teacher would want her to sit in her seat and raise her hand for help . I suggested that she do that and looked up to see Ms . Sluyter give me an approving nod of thanks . Double phew . Last year when parents joined their kids for lunch they sat at a special " visitors ' table . " This year , however , parents and their kids sit at the regular lunch table with the rest of the class . I like this arrangement much better . I know most of the kids in Ella 's class because they were all together last year , so it was fun to sit and catch up with them and hear about their summers . I got recaps on their trips to the beach ; updates on the numbers of teeth lost , or notPosted by Several times a year I go through horrible bouts of insomnia , and unfortunately , this is one of those times . I fall asleep without a problem ; B will attest that I am dead to the world about 15 minutes after I go to bed - often with the light on and a book across my face . My problem is staying asleep . This week I 've been popping awake at 4 am like clockwork . I think it started when Campbell went through a phase where he woke up at 4 and whimpered for a few minutes . As soon as I went in and patted his back , he 'd go right back to sleep . My body got used to waking up then , and I can 't get it to stop . During the time I 'm awake I 've written some amazing blog entries in my head that haven 't made it onto the blog because I 've forgotten about them in the morning . I 've wandered the house , cleaning up toys . I 've replied to work e - mails . I 've done everything but fall back to sleep immediately . It usually takes about an hour for me to settle back down and drift off . Unfortunately , Campbell likes to nurse at about 5 : 30 , so I get woken up right after I 've gone back to sleep . Then I have to get back up again at 6 : 45 to get my day started . As a result , I 'm exhausted . I 've tried taking a benadryl to knock me out , but I just wake up even foggier and with a killer sinus headache that turns into a migraine , which is worse than being tired . After my bad experience with making phone calls I don 't remember after taking ambien , I 'm reluctant to try heavier sleep aids . So I guess I 'll ride it out and wait for this phase to pass . But while I 'm waiting , don 't be surprised if you get e - mails from me at odd hours . We had gotten in the habit during the summer of watching cartoons in the morning while we got ready for the day . Lily 's preschool and all of Ella 's camps started at 9 : 00 , so there wasn 't the sense of urgency we have during the school year , when school starts at 7 : 40 . The girls would get up , get breakfast - Ella can now make herself and her sister toast or eggo waffles - and then turn on Noggin or Nick , Jr . and hang out while I fed the baby and read the paper . On Monday , they wanted to do the usual routine , but I put a stop to it . We don 't have time on school days for them to become hypnotized by Dora or the Backyardigans , or SpongeBob ( my personal favorite ) . I had protests and repeated requests on Monday and Tuesday , but on Wednesday they didn 't even ask to watch t . v . while they were getting ready . Not even Lily , who got to watch cartoons during the spring after Ella left and before I took her to preschool . Thursday and Friday were the same . This morning they both got up and made toast and started a joint art project with their new , huge art pad . It wasn 't until 9 : 30 , when I tried to turn on the news , that they asked to watch cartoons . I let them watch Playhouse Disney and some god - awful show called Johnny and Sprites , which was so sweet that my teeth hurt , but they only lasted for about half an hour before they went back to drawing . Shortly after that , they asked to go outside to ride bikes and roller skate . It did my heart good to know that they aren 't complete couch potatoes , despite a summer with lots of cartoons . I think I 'm going to continue the cartoon - free mornings on weekends if I can . It 's nice to start the day without the extra noise and commotion . Last night Heidi , Julia , Anne , and I ran the Fila Relays at Zilker Park . It was the first time I 'd run the relay , and I am glad I did . It was a well organized , well run event and lots of fun , to boot . We set up our little encampment right near the start / finish chute , so we had a great view of runners as they came through , and we were able to see everyone on our team come in for the hand off , which made it a lot of fun . I ran the last leg , since no one else wanted to and I was the one who talked all the others into doing the relay . I headed out on my leg with a specific plan : start off slow and work into my pace . I was tested immediately . As I left the exchange area , a runner blew past me , and I was tempted to pick up the pace and stay with her . But I didn 't ; I stuck to my plan . I started off nice and slow , keeping my breathing under control . During this stretch , I noticed that the wind had picked up a bit . When I made the u - turn just before mile 1 , I saw why it had gotten windy . You know the scene in Ghostbusters when the sky goes black over Manhattan ? That 's what Austin looked like . It was the blackest , darkest sky I 've seen in a long , long time . I had trouble in the second mile because the wind was picking up dust and grass from the soccer fields and blowing them right at the course . I had to put my glasses on just to protect my eyes . At about the 1 . 5 mile mark I caught the girl who had bolted past me at the start , proof that my strategy was working . I ran with her and another man on the part of the course that went behind the Nature Center . I 'm glad they were there . It was very dark because of the storm , and there weren 't any lights on that stretch . If I had been out there alone I would have probably freaked out . When we got to the top of the last hill on Barton Spring Road , I decided I needed to just pass the girl I 'd been running with . So I downshifted and took off . It felt good to really pick up the pace and see what I could do . It was about this time that it started raining , giving me an extra incentive to run Posted by |
Or at least that is what he calls it . It isn 't that he can 't write ; he writes fine . In fact , he writes for a living . John is a journalist for one of the biggest papers in The City , he has his own column , and he writes guest editorials for The Wyandotte Ledger six or seven times a year , but if you were to ask him , he would tell you that all of those things aren 't writing at all . He would say " That 's just my job , " or " I get paid to tell people 's opinions back to them , " or something along those lines . John would never call himself a writer because he 's never successfully written the one thing that he believes makes a writer , fiction . So John recently joined a science fiction and fantasy writer 's group that meets at The Book and the Bean every other Thursday evening around 7 : 30 to read and criticize each others ' work . John was invited by The Bean 's owner , Jim Whitney , who was familiar with his peculiar writer 's block and thought that getting John as far away from the mundane as possible might help him write fiction . Science Fiction isn 't really John 's thing . His favorite writer , in fact , is Charles Frazier , of Cold Mountain , and its structural similarity to The Odyssey , is about as close as he 's gotten to reading any Sci - Fi or Fantasy since he read Tolkien in 9th grade . John visited the group , just to observe , and he liked what he saw . The group spent about an hour and a half going over three pieces , and everyone - about a dozen people - pitched in with at least one feedback statement . Suggestions ranged from ideas for how the story might flow better to questions of perspective to discussions of what the deeper meaning of a character 's action might be to what kinds of change would make publishers more likely to at least read through the story before sending it back to physics issues within the universe of the story . Of the three stories that the group talked about , one of them was a buggy android named Jim who fell in love with a bee hive that he thought was buzzing love songs at him , one was a chapter from a Tolkien clone that had apparently been in development for quite some time because all the readers talked about the characters as if they knew them well , and one was about an entrepreneur who prevented intergalactic war by getting the alien aggressors stoned on coffee , and became extremely rich in the process . One of the stories was meant as high literature , one as comedy , and one as a kid 's story . One was well written , one was garbage , and one was just weird . They all showed signs of having been worked on extensively . After the discussion period , Jim introduced John to the group 's leader , Dan Green , who happened to hav " Oh , there 's one more thing , " Dan said . " I hate to drop this on you , but the person who recently decided to step away from the group for a while , well , she did that , among other things because her next presentation is the upcoming meeting . Now , I can revamp the schedule , but that puts several of our veteran writers in a bind because they all tend to have fairly regular writing schedules , which will have to be changed . Or , if you think you could manage it , you could jump right in at the deep end and let us read something of yours at the next meeting . " John didn 't like that idea at all . But then it occurred to him that he 's always been about to write fiction , but never actually written it . " I think I can put something together for you . " He said . Dan slapped him on the back and laughed . " Excellent , " he said . " I was hoping you 'd say that . Just imagine me as Brad Pitt . " He took a bite of the panini he was eating , licked his lips and , while chewing said , " If this is your first time at Write Club , you have to write . " It isn 't that when he starts to write a piece of fiction , he clams up or anything . John has all sorts of ideas , and whenever he sits at his desk to write them , it seems like the stories just flow right off of his finger tips and onto the page or computer screen . And the stories feel so real . Oh no , he can tell stories just as well as any of the other writing that he does every day , but he still can 't write fiction because he can 't seem to deviate from the facts by so much as a middle initial for a tertiary character . It 's the facts that get him . He 's amazing at facts , and that 's part of why he 's such a good journalist . He 's been writing for The Ledger for ten years now , ever since he graduated from Huntington , and in that time , he 's never , not once , seen a retraction or correction in the paper for one of the articles that he 's written . Sometimes he gets things wrong in a first draft , but by the time he 's cleaned things up , the facts will have adjusted themselves as well , even if he thought he had them all right in the first place , and was only line editing . He 'll catch the mistakes every time . Because he was the first timer , John got to go first . The first ten minutes were dedicated to allowing the readers to look back over Johns story and remind themselves what they wanted to say , find the parts they wanted to point out , etc . While they did this , John sat nervously and looked back over the story himself , trying not to glare at the readers as they looked through their notes . When ten minutes had passed , John looked over at Dan to see if he would call them to start the discussion , but he was absorbed in his copy of the story , and it didn 't look as if he was thumbing back through for reference . It looked as if he was reading the story straight through . John looked around the room , and it looked as if others were doing the same thing . Another five minutes passed , and John started to wonder if he should say something . Weren 't they supposed to have read this before they came to the meeting ? He coughed . No response , so not knowing what exactly to say , he just sat there . Twenty minutes after they had started reading , the faster readers finished and looked up or closed their eyes , leaned back in their chairs , or stood up for coffee refills . Finally , twenty - eight minutes after they started reading , the final reader looked up from the page and stared at John . John curled his lips away from his teeth in what he hoped would look more like a smile than the rigor mortis he was feeling . Dan Green started off the discussion the same way that he had started off the discussion of each piece at the previous meeting . " Before we start talking about your piece , why don 't you tell us a little bit about what you were hoping to accomplish with it John ? " " Well , " John said , " I had some friends in college who were really into video games , and I had some other friends who spent most of their free time taking any drugs that they could get their hands on . The friends who were always stoned were always suggesting music to me , and I noticed that a lot of the music that they suggested was very similar to the music that was in the soundtracks to a lot of the games that my gamer friends liked to play . The friends who were into drugs told me about the stuff that they had seen in their various hallucinations , and I couldn 't help but notice that some of the visions they had were either very similar to those from some of the darker games that my friends played , or would have done well as parts of such games . That just got me thinking , I guess , and I started to wonder what it would be like if we were to develop the ability to digitally record dreams or hallucinations and convert them into digital realities that others who were not drug users would then be able to interact with in games or online . I hope that using illegal drugs as a plot device in my first story wasn 't offensive or anything . I used real products for the most part to add to the realism . " A middle aged man with salt and pepper hair and a completely gray beard started off . " I thought the prose was compelling . " He said . " It is obvious that you put a lot of work into making sure that there wasn 't a lot of extraneous verbiage , and the descriptions are beautiful . I especially liked your description of The Citadel of Mercury Rain . It was exquisite . I know . " He paused uncomfortably . " I know I couldn 't have described it nearly so well myself . " John didn 't have time to wonder what the man meant buy " I couldn 't have described it nearly so well myself " because now that people had started talking , the comments came pretty quickly . Overall , people seemed to have liked the story pretty well . One woman said that she especially liked the descriptions of what Carlyle was thinking when he took the overdose that produced the Forest on a Cloud at Night , which she said was her favorite of Carlyle 's dreamscapes . " I did have one question about that , " she said . " I know you 're a journalist . Is this based on an interview you did with him at some point , or is this what you imagine he must have been thinking at the time ? My understanding was that before he became a complete recluse , he wasn 't well known enough that he would have been interviewed " She paused awkwardly , as John was staring at her with his mouth opened . " But I don 't really keep up with celebrity journalism , " she finished lamely . " I 'm not sure I know what you mean when you say - " was all John could come up with before the only teenager in the group , an intense looking fifteen or sixteen year old who John thought he might have heard called Jessie at some point interrupted to say that her boyfriend was a huge fan of the whole Dreamscape Scene , and he had gotten her Carlyle 's biography1 for her birthday . She was sure sure that his mother hadn 't been the jerk that John 's story presented her as . In fact , she was positive that it was only because of Nancy Carlyle 's support and encouragement that Dominick Carlyle had ever had the nerve to take the overdose that both sealed his career as the greatest of the first generation dreamscape artists and destroyed his sanity . Finally , Green spoke up . " There 's no denying it John . This is a great piece of narrative history . It 's strongly written , captivating , intense . If I read this kind of stuff , I 'm sure I 'd have loved it . Even so , I have to admit I love it , but here 's the deal . This writing group is a fiction group . What 's more , it 's a fantastic fiction writing group . There are other groups for practicing writing literary non - fiction or whatever they 're calling it these days , though I 'm not sure why you would want to practice , seeing as you get paid to do it all the time . The Bean has different groups meeting here all the time , but if you are going to have us read your stuff , you need to write fiction . This is why John has fiction writer 's block . It isn 't that he is obsessive compulsive about his facts . He never ever does research for writing a fiction piece , but it doesn 't matter . No matter how weird the story is , no matter how sure he is that nothing like what he is writing about has ever happened , when John sends his story out into the world , the people who read it are going to recognize what he is writing about and tell him that they thought he was writing fiction and were very surprised to find themselves reading narrative fact . The one exception that John has found to this is when he does exceptionally bad writing , which is the only way that he was able to pass his creative writing class in college . At fall break he was failing the course because the teacher refused to give him credit for true stories , no matter how well written they were . Finally , he got frustrated and just wrote a flat story with clichés and boring characters who did things that went against their character . He wrote the story in a burst and never went back to check continuity , spelling , or even formatting . He turned the story in and got a C + . After much begging , John convinced his professor to let him write new stories to replace the true ones he had turned in previously , and the partial scores he got with those , and a lot of extra credit , let him pass with the absolute minimum possible percentage to get a C - for the course . After The Bean was closed and everyone else had gone home for the night , John and Whitney sat in the café and John drank a cup of coffee with a double of espresso in it ( Priest : " You won 't sleep tonight . " John : " I try to miss a night every couple of weeks anyway . " ) , and Jim smoked . Jim tried to distract John from the fiasco with the story by telling him about some research that he had been doing , something about a project that a PhD student at Huntington did ten years ago or so , but John , normally an attentive listener , couldn 't take his mind off of the fiasco with the story . " I swear , I 'd never heard anything about ' dreamscapes ' or ' Dominick Carlyle ' or ' The Citadel of Mercury Rain ' before I wrote that story . In fact , I 'm pretty sure I 'd have laughed at someone if they told me anything even remotely associated with using illegal drugs to make art . I still can 't believe that they are saying that this has been going on for years . " " I don 't know what to tell you . Seven Suns at Midnight is a pretty popular book for new media art aficionados , and it has been for quite a while . You must have heard someone talking about it at some point and thought you made it up . " He puffed on his pipe sagely , or at least that is what John supposed it was supposed to look like . The pipe had gone out though , and Jim sneezed down the stem , blowing a cloud of ash out of the pipe . When he finished laughing , John scratched his jaw , wiped the tears from his eyes , and ran his hands through his hair . " This type of thing has been happening for years . I almost failed creative writing in college because of the same thing . " Jim packed a new bowl of tobacco , relit his pipe , and puffed on it some more , finally almost managing the sage look he had been going for earlier , football player soot lines below his eyes . After a moment his face lit up . " I know what you need to do . You need to write something completely impossible , something that you know can 't be bleeding over into your imagination from the real world . " " That 's what I did . " John almost yelled . " Am I the only person who thinks that letting people fry their brains just to make interesting computer landscapes is reckless and stupid ? " " No , you 're right . We do stupid things all the time . " More puffing . " I know . You should make your premise something that you couldn 't have found out even if it were true , something that mainly takes place in a person 's mind or something like that . Then you 'd be safe . You have any ideas like that ? " That night , John stayed up most of the night letting the caffeine burn out of his brain and writing a first draft of a story about a man who lived life after life after life , always dying and immediately finding himself back in his mother 's womb , preparing to live again . The man always tried to change things , to make the world a better place , but he always failed . Sometimes the changes he made were huge , like finding a way to prevent the terrorist attack on 9 / 11 . Other times , the changes were much more modest , like being in the right place at the right time and saving a single life . Sometimes he used what he knew about the eighty years that he had lived over and over again to become the head of a great business empire , or president . Sometimes he was poor . Sometimes he couldn 't take it anymore and killed himself as a child . Sometimes he was a criminal . Sometimes he was a prophet . The man 's greatest pain was that no matter what he did , he couldn 't seem to change to the actual amount of human suffering in the world . Crimes happened , atrocities . Once , when he prevented 9 / 11 , Osama Bin Laden used a nuclear device that killed thirty times as many . Another time , a child he saved grew up to be a rapist . Wherever he went , whatever he did , he could see the shadows of his other lives , walking along beside him , haunting him until he felt his sanity must break , for he lived in a world of ghosts more frightening than any imaginable , his own ghosts . John didn 't stop by writing the story though . He had two months before his next time to present , and he wanted to do all that he could to make sure that the idea was his and no one else 's , so he revised and cut , tightened and clarified , and he studied theories about religion and physics , the universe and the multiverse , and even though there were many theories suggesting that the universe split constantly , no theories suggested that only specific people made the choices that caused the mitosis of universes . His story was his own . This time the discussion went much better . People still got sucked into the story and read the whole thing instead of just reviewing their notes from pre - reading it , but John knew from experience with his essays for The Ledger that people genuinely liked reading his work , and he felt confident that the longer review time happened simply because they were enjoying reading back over the work . One person , however , didn 't read back over the story . The salt - and - pepper haired , grey - bearded man who had liked John 's description of The Citadel of Mercury Rain , Steve Collins , just sat across from him in the circle of chairs and glowered . John found it more than slightly uncomfortable and was getting ready to go ask Collins if everything was alright when people started to look up from reading the story . Before long , the conversation became lively . The general consensus was that the impossibility of the story made up for the historicity of his last one , though Dan Green , whose last story had been about a sentient lampshade that had fallen in love with a throw rug and eloped to Dubai , thought it was a bit too farfetched . " You never put it in the story . " He said . " You say he learned how to end the cycle , but you never say how it was done . " John had no idea what he was talking about , but he thought Collins must be referring to the man being able to end his lives . " How should I know ? " He said . " It 's just a story . " " Right , " Collins said , and winked sourly , with no mirth . " What I want to know is how you found out . I 've never told anyone this time because of what they always do when I tell . I don 't know if it is worse when they believe or don 't . How did you find out ? How do you know what I am ? " " I thought you didn 't know anything about Science Fiction . " Green said . " Where 's all this ' golden age , Van Vogt , Hubbard , and Dick ' coming from ? " " Well , " Green said . " Even if the technology involved didn 't make the story science fiction , the price of such an undertaking certainly would in today 's economic climate . I 'm thinking of writing a story about a Dachshund who finds the tree of life hidden at the bottom of a groundhog hole , guarded by fiery little sprites riding about on blind moles . " By sheer luck of the draw , John didn 't have two months to get his next story together . He was at the end of the cycle , and each cycle the whole group drew names from a hat to determine the date of their next reading . John fell at the beginning of the next cycle , so he ended up presenting with only one meeting between presentations , which meant he could theoretically not present again for another four months . Inefficient at best . He still had plenty of time to put his story together and do some research , and he intended to allow himself only a couple of technologies that didn 't already exist , finally deciding on the use of nano technology as both the anachronistic element and the problem in the story . The night that the group read his story , John felt confident that they would enjoy it , even if they would know that the style was a little outdated . As usual , they took more time on his story than they normally would have on other people 's work , and John felt good that they were lingering over it even if the prose was more stylized than they were used to , but when people finished reading and looked up , they didn 't look like they enjoyed reading the story . In fact , most of them looked angry . Jenny ( the real name of the girl whose boyfriend was a big fan of Dominick Carlyle 's dreamscapes ) had tears running down her face , and one of the older ladies put her arm around her . John was about to ask what exactly Dan was referring to when Whitney walked over from the register , where he 'd been watching the news , and said that they were finally pulling out the last of the survivors . People silently got up and walked out of the room . John went into the café last . Survivors of what ? He wondered . He had read the news very thoroughly that morning , and no great tragedies had happened , no storms or earthquakes , no bombings or eruptions , nothing . John stopped and stared at the plasma screen . They wanted to throw him out of the writing group for that , but Jim stood up for him . He said that John was writing out his pain , trying to understand for himself , in his own way , what was going on . Never mind that John hadn 't known anything about the accident . Never mind that he had told Dan three weeks ago what he was going to write about Green didn 't remember the conversation . Never mind that John protested strongly that his social skills might be a little rough around the edges , but they weren 't as horrible as all that . Never mind . Never mind . Never mind . In the end they only let him stay because they had become his friends , and Jim provided their venue . John said that he wanted to provide a new story at the next meeting , even though it wasn 't his turn . He said that he wanted to use it as a way of explaining himself . They let him because Steve was in the lineup for the following meeting , but he was a trained counselor and he had volunteered his services for the bereaved of the Lunar Meltdown . John took his place . John wrote about never being able to write fiction , about everything he ever wrote either already being true or coming true . He wrote about the frustration of trying again and again and never being able to write a good story , of wondering why he missed things that everyone else knew were going on , of writing down exactly what was happening while thinking that he was making it up himself . He changed the name , of course , and he changed all the circumstances , but the body of the story was the hard truth , all except for the ending . At the end of the story , John 's character stole another writer 's idea book , and he joined a writing group and wrote stories based on that writer 's ideas . And because it wasn 't his creation , because he had stolen the kernel of the story , it wasn 't infused with truth . It became fiction , nothing more , and they said it was his best work , better than any of his essays or reporting . The group loved his fiction and wanted him to try to get his stories published , but he couldn 't bring himself to do it . He couldn 't steal that other writer 's work . So he wrote one last story , confessing what he had done . John didn 't email this story early . He brought a dozen copies with him , and the whole group read it for the first time sitting there in one of the group meeting rooms at The Bean . John watched them read , as intent on their faces as they were on his story . It was long , much longer than the stories that he usually turned in , but no one quit reading . No one fidgeted or looked bored . No one got up to use the bathroom or get coffee . They just read , and when they were all finished reading , Steve Collins , who hadn 't written for tonight because he 'd been recovering from a root canal all week said , " So you mean to say that your story from last week , the one about the moon colony that we all liked so much was at least partially plagiarized ? " As in most of my fiction writing , this piece is not safe for the NWAG / RLC crowd , so if you intend to get offended , don 't read it . Also , for those of you who have been following my blog for a while , this is a revision , significantly changed , of a story that I posted several months ago . Where before , it was just a story , it 's now an introduction to my longer work , so it might be worth reading , or if you don 't want to read something that you 've seen most of before , you might want to skip it altogether . I told James last night . I told him that my story had to be told , and he said that if mine was to be told , then so was his , but that I had to write it . I guess I owe him that . In a single track degree , the decision is usually between a thesis of , say , 60 pages or two shorter degree papers that together might add up to anywhere between 60 and 80 pages . However , because of the overlap in my coursework , I was presented with the option of writing a thesis for each track , or only three degree papers , one from each of my fields of study and a third one from whichever of the two fields that I chose . I decided to go with what seemed like the easier of the two options and write degree papers . The first two papers came easily enough . I did a study on how technical writers working in the field of robotics learn to modulate their voice and level of technicality to create end user manuals that are both user friendly enough to allow an operator to trouble shoot lower level problems and detailed enough to assist a trained technician both higher level diagnostics and repairs . It 's a fine line , and I felt that to really make my point , it would be good to bring a practical example into the arena , so for my second paper I wrote an example of what the finished product of such an exercise might look like using a piece of equipment that was being produced at the hot - tub company where my uncle worked . It wasn 't as technical as robotics , but the principles were essentially the same . It turned out to be really good that I was able to take that semester off from work because that third paper turned out to be really difficult for me . I had a hard time coming up with a topic to write about . This is a typical problem , but usually if I chose a bad theme , I could just muddle through and no one would know the difference . After all , an A paper on a crappy topic is still an A paper . This paper was a bit longer , and it wasn 't just going to be read by one professor , but by several . Also , depending on what I decided to do with my life , if I ever decided , it might be the project that a prospective employer read when deciding to hire me or not . Looking back , I can 't help but wonder how I failed to see that this project was doomed from the beginning . The Vampire genre was fairly well worn out at the time , and though recent innovations have since breathed new life into it , I was neither creative nor brave enough to write something truly worth reading in the tired old framework of the undead yearning for his mortal love . What 's more , I knew nothing about war and even less about the Middle East . When I met with my advisor at the beginning of the semester to plan out how we were going to go about making the paper happen , I immediately found out that I had a third or fourth , depending on how you count , mark against me from the outset . I was dismayed to find that - though she never said it in so many words - she absolutely hated almost all fantasy and horror themes , and she found the words vampire and literature to be repulsive to each other to the point where only the name Bram Stoker could neutralize them into the same sentence , and that was an unfortunate accident in the history of literature . Actually , now that I think about it , she didn 't really even like fiction at all , so why I had chosen to work with her is a mystery , one that won 't get answered in this book I had signed up for six independent study hours to work on my degree paper that semester , and those could be done at home , but I was also teaching a section of Comp 101 and an introductory Technical Writing course . I knew that if I went back to work , all of my free time would be spent grading papers , and I wouldn 't get the degree paper finished in time to graduate in the spring as I had planned . For some reason , graduating on time was really important to me . I chose the subway . I 'd been spending about the same amount on gas that I would on a sub pass , so I was good there , but the subway went nowhere near Barnes and Noble or Borders . Now , the logical place to write seemed to be my apartment . After all , I didn 't have a roommate to bother me , and I owned a coffee maker , which was the only resource at Barnes and Nobles that I regularly made use of , but for some reason I just couldn 't make it happen . A week of evenings spent at home trying to write accomplished nothing but a burgeoning realization that I had chosen a terrible project to write about . Oh , and I also got caught up on numerous episodes of Star Trek : Deep Space Nine and The X - files that I had missed when I was off doing other things - like writing and teaching . I found The Book & The Bean by accident . It happened like this : I was on my way to the library to do some research about whether or not Kuwait , Iraq , or any other Middle Eastern country had an indigenous vampire myth , and at the same time I was thinking about whether or not I really wanted to even bother finishing this stupid project . I felt fairly certain that if I just gave up , seeing as I had already written two degree papers for the Technical / Professional Writing program , that I would probably still receive that degree , and I could just write the Creative portion off my studies off as personal enrichment cum time wasted cum lessons learned when I turned left where I should have turned right , and by the time I got back in touch with what my body was doing , I was standing in front of a window display for The Vampire Book : the Encyclopedia of the Undead , by J . Gordon Melton , so I walked into the store . That day I walked out of The Book & The Bean with The Vampire Book under my arm and something called a " Hangover " in my belly . Years later , I would find that Starbucks serves a similar drink called a " Blackeye , " consisting of two shots of espresso dumped into a cup of coffee , and coffee shops on the Army base offer something called the MOAC ( Mother of All Coffees ) with twice as much coffee and 4 shots of espresso , but I swear that the Hangover was even stronger than either of those , like maybe they left the coffee burning in the pot for a couple of days before adding the espresso , which had been made with paint thinner instead of water . I was hooked . Before long , I was visiting The Book & The Bean as religiously as I had previously visited Barnes and Noble , and it was only a matter of time before I became acquainted and then friends with its owner , James Whitney . James had been a teacher at Huntington before some unspecified political troubles had forced him to step down . I got the impression that he didn 't like talking about it , so after I ascertained that the trouble hadn 't been related to buggering graduate students , I never pressed the issue . Besides , after I got to know him , it was hard to imagine James as having a job , or for that matter a home anywhere besides in his store . I 'm pretty sure that if he was from the deep south , he would be one of those people who called his house or apartment " my stay . " When we met , James was smack in the middle of what I would call " late middle age . " He was of average height and build , and he had a slight middle - aged pooch , though there was still evidence that he was probably an athletic man when he was younger . He had gray hair that was thinning on the top and a matching gray beard . It wasn 't until much later , as I was describing him in my journal for an exercise he had recommended that I remarked on the color of his eyes , but I noticed almost immediately that there was something paradoxical about the way that the laugh lines around his eyes seemed designed to obscure a certain sadness to his glance . He smiled freely , and his laugh could often be heard bouncing off of the brick walls of the bookstore and running up and down between the shelves , but when his face was at rest , when he was reading or thinking private thoughts or writing in his journal , the sadness in his eyes would sometimes sneak down to pull at the corners of his mouth , even as his hand would sneak up to twist at a stray bit of beard . James was uncommonly fond of hats , and he kept a coat tree by the door year round for hanging his hats on . He didn 't keep his hats at home . He kept them at work with some spare fleece hats at home for unexpected cold snaps . That way , if he felt like a fedora in the morning , but in the evening , he wanted to go with a golf hat , he didn 't have to go home for the switch . Most days he would wear the beat up old fedora which was clearly his favorite , though the coat tree always had at least a bowler , flat cap , and gatsby hanging in reserve . The strangest hat by far that I ever saw him wearing was not long after we met . It was February , and we were in the middle of the worst cold snap of the year . James had left an assistant running the store while he went for lunch , and I arrived while he was out . When he came in , he was walking with what appeared to be a collapsible ski pole and wearing a Peruvian Chullo , looking much more suited to head down to Vale for a weekend of skiing or snowboarding than for the half - block walk that he had taken from the pizza parlor where he had passed the last three quarters of an hour . One Thursday morning the week after I found The Book & The Bean , I was sitting at the corner table by the window , where I was becoming a fixture , when James brought over the drink that I had ordered a few minutes previously at the counter . I only taught on Monday , Wednesday , and Friday , so I planned on spending most of the day working on my story before a meeting with my advisor that evening . I had even set aside 25 bucks to spend on Coffee and a soup at lunch by way of paying rent on my table , so I was a little disturbed when James sat the coffee on the table and then pulled up a chair and sat down across from me . I needed to get this written . " Judging by the amount of writing you do , " he began , " and your complete lack of reference materials , I assume that you are either writing a piece of fiction or something along the lines of a memoir . Am I right ? " Just like that . This was before we became friends , before he started giving me writing exercises to teach me everything I 'd missed in my studies . At this point in our relationship , he was the dude that made my coffee , and I was the dude who took up one of his tables for a good four or five hours , three or four times a week , but I never bought the bottomless cup , and I always paid my rent on the table . Also , I tried to buy a book or so a week rather than ordering from Amazon , just to stay in his good graces . In other words , he had no reason to talk to me . I told him that I was working on my capstone project for a MFA in Creative Writing at Huntington College , and I explained about how the Technical / Professional Writing portion of my degree was done . I also told him that I was nervous because my advisor hated my creative project . When I started to tell him that I also doubted the validity of the project , he cut me off . " Don 't tell me that . " He said . " The last thing a person needs to hear about a work he hasn 't read is the writer 's opinion about it . " I thought about this for a moment and couldn 't come up with any answer besides , " because it 's garbage and I don 't want anyone to read it ever , " which I didn 't say , so I said nothing and sipped at my hangover . It tasted like battery acid mixed with motor oil . Strong medicine . He looked at me for a moment , and then he said " Let me tell you something . Besides my affinity for hats , I 'm espoused [ he really said espoused ] of one great eccentricity and one great conceit . My great eccentricity is that any time the University sells an old Thesis or Dissertation , I buy it , no matter what it is about , no matter if it is good or bad , and I have a deal with one of the binders in town , the one that does most of the binding for Huntington 's students that he will run me off a copy of all the dissertations and theses that he binds . " " No , of course it 's not legal . Shush and let me talk . I have a whole room of these , and I read them all . Maybe I 'll show it to you sometime . It 's probably the biggest private collection of blue - bound labor in existence . The great conceit of my life , well , that 's my journal . No , there 's nothing conceited about keeping a journal . The conceit is that I write it under the assumption that someone will one day read it , that it will be used by historians or scholars to get some things unmuddled . I have a clearer view of what 's going on here than almost anyone . Not only do I assume they will read it , I assume they will want to read it because I know what quality writing looks like , and I know there is value in my observations . You get what I 'm saying ? " " What I 'm getting at is that I read a lot of stuff written for the same audience as you are writing for , and I know good writing when I see it . You know what my most discerning customers do when they come in here ? They don 't browse the bookstore ; they chat with me for a while and then ask for a recommendation . If the customer has really let me get to know them , then I can usually give them something that they will enjoy . I can help you if you let me read what you 've got . I can push you in the right direction . " So I found myself spending the next hour staring at a display full of National Book Award winners , and I eventually shuffled back over to the table with a copy of Cold Mountain , which would make me wonder why I had ever thought of becoming a writer . I sat and pretended to read the first chapter while he finished up . He was not a fast reader . I probably should have been offended or annoyed or something . Instead , I burst out laughing , shooting " tar " out of my nose , which hurt a lot and gave me a nose bleed later that night . At least , I assume that 's where the nosebleed came from . He waited with a crucified expression on his face while I guffawed , then laughed , then giggled , all the while trying to wipe down my computer and telling him that I 'd known that the story was garbage for quite some time , and he had just wasted his free coffee if that was all he was going to say about it . " See this ? " He said , pointing at a passage that read : " Those who know me best know that I have lived for years under a pressing darkness , a darkness that often threatens to overwhelm me . There was a time when it had overrun my defenses , when I had no will to resist , when I believed that all the good of my life had already been experienced , and there was no life left to me , only existence . It is only through the grace of God that the darkness receded from me and gave me will to continue on . But I feel it 's presence constantly . It is like something just beyond consciousness , that phrase on the tip of the tongue , that little bit of knowledge that slips away when you point your mind at it . I feel it in the silence when I 'm alone , when I 'm tired . Freud called it the Todestrieb , the drive of all mortals toward death . Some might call it Thanatos , each person 's personal grim reaper , forever walking beside him , holding his hand , ready to one day step out of the shadows and lead him away . For me , it is the personalitization of a dark blackness , a dark blackness that I summoned unconsciously on the night that I died . " " If you write like that , people will read it , but that 's not how you 've been writing this God awful story . This is a slip up . I bet you were drunk or high when you wrote it . You let your defenses down and your real voice came down . " Then and he told me about where that sadness that I saw in his expression came from . We talked about teaching , about The City , about the bookstore . And somehow , even though we never really got around to it in our conversation , I arrived at my advisor 's office the following evening with an idea for a completely different project , one grown from my own experience , from what the world looked like to me . My advisor was a short , hefty woman who loved anything having to do with what she called " new media , " a title just about as accurate by that point as " new criticism " is in ways of reading literature . She was an associate professor , almost ready to receive her tenure , and I 'm sure that she was more than ready for it because she had enough books stuffed into her ten by ten office to fill the much larger one that would come along with her tenure the following year . Her door was opened a little to allow for airflow , but I knocked anyway . I pushed the door opened and climbed over the pile of books beside her desk to sit at the chair that she kept in the office for meetings with students . She asked me to wait a second while she finished grading the paper she was working on - she always graded digitally even though studies had shown that students got more out of the handwritten notes on a paper copy of an assignment than they did from the sidebar comments that she would add into their documents before emailing them back to the students - and because I didn 't want to be nosy , especially since her office space left me sitting with my knees about eighteen inches from the back of her desk , I turned to look at the books on her bookshelf , mostly titles I recognized , either from having read them or from having heard her sing their praises , and I was just about to pick up her copy of A History of Repression : Feminism and a New Rhetoric to thumb through when she finished the paper she was working on and turned to face me . I didn 't know exactly how to tell her what I was thinking , especially since I figured it was bound to cause a ruckus , especially since our meeting was supposed to be the night before , but I 'd stood her up because James and I stayed at his store talking for so long . I just came right out and said it . " I know , " I said , " but you and I also know that it 's mostly garbage . The committee will pass it , but I want to write something worth reading , not just something to get my degree . And I know what you 're going to say next , that there isn 't time for me to start over and still graduate this spring . I 'm willing to wait , to use the rest of the semester to write something new , and to take my degree in the fall . So I did . I wrote something real , and in the end , I wasn 't able to receive my degree in the spring . Instead I submitted my completed project in the summer . It was a series of ten vignettes loosely based on a boy that I had known growing up and the strange adventures that he always seemed to be having . I 'd always been fascinated by the things that kid got away with , and the trouble that he always seemed to be getting me into . That project looks very immature from the perspective of a dozen or so years , but it 's writing that I 've never been ashamed of either . When I went to the committee , with my completed work , they wanted to know about it , where it had come from , and where I wanted to go . So I told them the truth , that I wanted to write and teach , that I wanted to stay in the city or leave , whichever it took to bring me back to Huntington as a real professor instead of a teaching assistant , and I also told them why I was a semester late turning it in . I told them that I 'd been trying to be something I 'm not , and that I still had copies of my original project if they wanted to see the difference . At the end of that year , I was offered a job teaching as a permanent adjunct , but I didn 't want it anymore . By that time , there was a person that I wanted more than any job or status , and the hundreds of hours that I spent in James ' bookstore writing weren 't just hours in which I learned not how to write , but what to write about . They were also hours when I learned what to want and how to go about getting it . As for the book that you 're about to read , you can call it what you want , an adventure , a picaresque , a romance , Spec Fic , horror , thriller , I don 't care . I hope you find it to be all of these and more , but what I 'll tell you is this , there 's a lot more to life outside of this city , there 's a lot more to want , a lot more to be done , and since I can 't seem to find a way to teach it , I 'm just going to go ahead and show you . Follow me , and we 'll go places we didn 't even know were there . This place is much weirder than you think . |
I am a girl who fell in love , got married and wanted to have a regular ol ' ordinary family . What I ended up getting was everything but . This blog chronicles our journey as a family who was blessed with a very special child . From the day we found out that she had only a 5 % chance of living to the present , life has been a true roller coaster of emotions . And most surprisingly , more rewarding than I ever thought possible . We invite each fan of Harlie to join the following initial crew members and commit to make a monthly contribution to The Harlie Fund . * Roger Smith DR Racing * The Lawyers and staff of Kane , Jeffries , Cooper & Carollo , LLP * Anonymous ff * Richard and Sophie Tangard * Henry Briggs , RealtorWith Christy 's willingness to share , we have worried about , prayed for and rejoiced in the accomplishments of a remarkable girl . The members of The Harlie Crew together show their support by contributing monthly . If you would like to join us , please call Bill Jeffries at ( 804 ) 288 - 1672 . We made it home just fine and the trip was uneventful , thankfully . Well , except that Maggie had me laughing the whole way home . She 's so funny ! Before we left for Boston I went by Harlie 's audiologist 's office to pick up a device she ordered for us . It acts as headphones , since it is difficult to wear headphones with a hearing aid . She wears it around her neck and a cord from it gets plugged into the place where headphones would get plugged into . Then you turn it on , and the sound goes - wirelessly - into her hearing aid . Pretty cool , huh ? I couldn 't get it to work on the way to Boston . But I tried again at the airport leaving Boston . I still couldn 't get it to work . Then I tried again on the plane - she wanted to watch Sponge Bob ( never give up , right ? ) . Finally ! I got it to work and it was AWESOME ! She loved it ! This is going to be so great for school and for watching movies in the car , etc . YAY ! I love that device ! ! ! Tom picked us up and we went home and had some really good sandwiches . You know , with deli fresh meats and crisp lettuce on really good bread ? Yum . Then I went upstairs and got into bed and took a nice long , much needed nap . Whew ! It 's taken me a few days to get back into the groove . I have felt so super tired - like to my core . I made myself take a class at the gym and then I went for a run on Sunday . Today I stayed home and went through all the kids ' toys . They seemed to be everywhere and apart and it was stressing me out . So , today me and the boys went through all the rooms and separated the toys into throw away , keep , and give away . And now I feel much better . So , do you remember this picture I posted last week ? Well , it is now hanging in my living room ! Can you believe some really nice , awesome , thoughtful and anonymous person sent this to me ? ! Seriously ! I am SO loved - just like the sign says ! Thank you whoever you are ! ! ! I love it and it looks so fitting on my living room wall . Just like it 's always been there . I LOVE IT ! ! ! Thank you ! This one is going to be a short one . Still trying to get caught up . And we 're watching the Olympics . So , I gotta go . I have more to write and will hopefully be able to soon . Much love ! We arrived at radiology right on time - 7 : 30am . I 'm only going to hit the highlights . Because to be honest - I am beat ! After a lot of waiting and lots of questions a doctor came in to talk details . She said that combining a non - radiology procedure ( dental impressions , in our case ) with a CT scan is unheard of . She wanted me to know and understand that they were making an unprecedented exception . In all of her 17 years here , it has never happened . And I get that . She said they get requests all the time to add different things to a radiology procedure to take advantage of a child being under anesthesia - but they always say no . They have to . Otherwise they would turn into a mini - OR and they would get so backed - up since all the machines are already booked as it is . So , I guess this means that we 're somewhat special . For a second , I 'm like , " wow , that 's pretty cool . " And then the reality of that sinks in , and I think , " Wow , that really sucks . " I 'll try to make this simple . . . She wanted to go with an anesthetic that I had never heard of ( not that that means anything , really ) and can 't remember what it was called now ( started with a P ) . The negatives were that the medicine would linger in her system for 48 hours , it would not relax her muscles like general anesthesia and that kids tend to be more agitated when they wake . Way to sell it , Doc ! Um , no thank you ! In her defense , the reason why she wanted to go with that particular anesthesia is because it is less risky than general anesthesia . Especially considering they didn 't know her and she is a complicated kid - heart wise ( and otherwise , but in that situation , her heart is the main issue ) . My problems with that were : 2 . At that time , we had another appointment in the afternoon and then I have to put her on a plane tomorrow . 3 . She 's been under general anesthesia more times than I can recall - more than 30 - and we 've always been perfectly fine . Her one risky episode was not anesthesia - related . It was infection related . My thinking was that it was actually more risky to NOT do general anesthesia - in the big picture , I mean . The dental impressions were a must . Period . If she went under and they were unable to get them , we 'd be screwed . Not only would she have to go under general anesthesia in the very near future anyway , we 'd have to rearrange our flights , and it would be a general nightmare . Not worth it . Especially considering I had never heard of that med before so what if she had a reaction ? Go with what you know or what you don 't ? I hated to do it - but I had to put my foot down . And I know she was annoyed . And I can understand her view point . She 's been through many years of education , she 's probably super freaking smart , she makes a ton of money and the bottom line is that she knows WAY more than me when it comes to this stuff . And I 'm a stay at home mom . However , she does not have the big picture in mind . And she will only have to deal with Harlie , and the consequences of these decisions for a short time . And , she just met her . And I know her better than anyone should know anybody . Maggie said that during our talk I said something and bent down to get my notebook from my bag when the doctor looked at her co - worker ( I have NO idea who he was or what his position was since he did not introduce himself ) and gave him this " look " like " oh brother " or something . I know I wasn 't wrong in my standing . But it still stings to think someone looked at me and thought something not positive . Especially when I work SO FREAKING HARD to do the BEST thing for my wonderful daughter whom I love more than life itself . Just look at her already ! 1 . She asked me why we 've spread our care all over the place ( Norfolk , Richmond , DC and now Boston , MA ) . To me , I think the answer is really obvious - because I freaking have to , that 's why . Same reason why I do a bunch of other crap I hate . I can guarantee you it 's not because I 'm bored , have too much time on my hands or that I WANT to . For crying old loud . Something about the way she asked me that made me want to come out of my skin . 2 . She asked me why they want dental impressions . Really ? Does it matter ? You just told me that combining procedures was a first in your 17 years . Do you think it 's not absolutely necessary ? After I told her I just wasn 't comfortable trying a new med this visit , she left the room . And I just need to say that doing this and standing my ground , or arguing my point , does not come easy . You 'd think it does since I am advocating for Harlie - but it doesn 't . So , if you 're reading this and think you 'd be all Mama Bear or something - unless you 've been in these shoes , you can 't say . Doctors have this air about them . And I would venture to say that most people think they ( the docs ) know better - so I really don 't think arguing comes naturally . At least it doesn 't to me . I 'm a " can 't we all just get along " kinda girl . Anyway , the bottom line is that they went with general anesthesia . And then the doc came back , she was super nice . Maybe she thought about it and understood my point . I made sure that I thanked her and let her know how much I appreciated her making the exception for Harlie . Because I really do . So , the dentist came in and got the impressions . He came out to the waiting room to tell me that it was done . AND THAT SHE LOST A FREAKING TOOTH ! ! ! UGH ! Maybe this shouldn 't bother me as much as it does . But I am SO over her losing her teeth before they are ready to come out . Enough already ! I 've officially lost count of the teeth that she has lost while in the hospital . It really is the little things that hurt the most . He also said that they wanted to put some sort of retainer in her mouth post - op to help things progress - but that he thought that was unlikely . He said her mouth is just too small . There 's simply no room in there for anything else . Sigh . Her jaw abnormality is severe and as much as I try to believe it 's fine , it 's not . It 's severe . And that 's that . For now . I still have hope we can turn things around for her . And the surgeons seem to , too . If you have some good connections with the Man upstairs - feel free to pray ! Oh , and I can 't remember why - but the doc wanted her to have an IV before she went into the CT scan room . We originally said that they would get an IV after she was under . They just hook up the vent with sleepy stuff to her trach and " night - night ! " I really don 't know why they couldn 't do the IV afterwards . And maybe I should have argued that , too . But , I didn 't want to push my luck . So , bring on the torture . Thank goodness the nurse got it in one stick . Woohoo ! Although Harlie fought like nobody 's business . She almost head - butted me and I can tell you that it would have HURT . She was really fighting hard ! The CT scan took forever . They wanted to confirm what the surgeon wanted , so he had to be called out of surgery . Oh ! And I got a kick out of this . . . I knew that she was going to have some blood work later in the day so I told them they had to get what they needed while she had an IV . So , they did . Although she fights anything having to do with touching the IV . She 's insane . After that we went to wind down for a little while till we had to go to our next appointment . They have this garden area and there was live music and and it was really nice . The weather was awesome . Not too hot and sunny . This is such a nice hospital . I love it . After that , we went to pre - op . I was thinking we would be done relatively quickly . We had already met with cardiac anesthesia ( since they had to do general anesthesia ) and they already took blood . So , there wasn 't much else left . If we got out of there early enough , we were going to go back down towards the aquarium and let Harlie ride the carousel . Boy , was I wrong ! One of the blood samples clotted , so they had to repeat it . UGH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I made them justify that they absolutely , without a doubt , needed it today . They seemed sympathetic . But it still had to be done . After all questions were answered ( 10 times per question at least for each specialty and department ) , we headed on over to the lab . Harlie was fine until she got called back and saw " the " chair . She knew what was going down and she was not happy about it . She started to cry and it broke my heart . It didn 't help that I had to be the one to pick her up ( against her will ) and put her in my lap and then bear hug her to hold her down . It took 5 adults . And two attempts . We were all sweating and the room ( which was tiny ) was hot as hell when we were done . One of the nurses grabbed some paper and started fanning Harlie . Something about her doing that touched me . It was a very sweet gesture , and did not go unnoticed . I HATE holding her down like that . But I hate the thought of someone else doing it more . In my mind I am hugging her . Really , really tight . And I hope that she thinks that , too . After that . . . we were DONE . Hallelujah ! Of course it was after 4pm , and there was no way in hell we were going anywhere . They have a playground there and I asked Harlie if she wanted to play on it . She said , no . So , we went back to the hotel . I left Maggie and Harlie relaxing , watching tv , while I walked to the nearest liquor store . I 'm sorry , but I had to have a drink ! It is now almost 10pm and Harlie is still awake . I don 't get her at all . She 's had such a rough day . Why isn 't she sleeping ? ? ? ? We are almost packed . I packed everything I can for now . I want to go home . And so does Harlie . She misses her Daddy ( she has signed for him everyday ) . It is daunting to think that we will have to come back . And learn a new ICU and new nurses and doctors . And then leave . Just to return again . And again . And again . I hope that we 've made the right decision and picked the right team to turn our lives around . Okay , I have GOT to go . I 'm beat . We have an early morning tomorrow . Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers this week . They were very much appreciated ! ! ! We couldn 't survive this without your support ! We saw four docs today . We started with dentistry . And that went as I expected . They were not able to get the dental molds done . Although I must say that Harlie was way more cooperative than I expected her to be , her mouth simply cannot open enough for them to get the mouth trays in . They made several attempts and tried cutting the trays to fit better . But , her mouth did not form in standard shape , so it just didn 't work all around . Taking a quick peek in there . Since that appointment went pretty quickly , we had some time to kill before the next one . Somehow we ended up in this open area and they were doing this role play thing they do once a month . They gave her a hat , which she loved , and a stuffed lobster and they had stations for her take him to to be weighed , get shots , have his temperature taken , have blood drawn , etc . It was SO cute ! We named him Claws ( he even got a hospital bracelet ) . He 's getting his vitals taken and he was weighed . Then we headed to the cafeteria for lunch . When we were at the aquarium the other day I found these nesting penguins . I knew she would love them and I had a feeling they would keep her busy ! It was written for us ! Well , and a bunch of other people . . . But , it was a little big and would be a royal pain in the butt getting it home . I 'm sure I can find it somewhere closer to home . Harlie made a bee line for this toy . . . so I just had to get it for her . She got to open it when we went to our next appointment , to see Dr . Labow and Dr . Meara . I asked her if the little girl was her and she said yes . Then I told her to tell the little girl to be nice to her mama . : - ) Dr . Labow and Dr . Taghinia ( who we saw yesterday with Dr . Padwa ) are the micro surgeons . We just spoke a little more about what to expect , etc . Nothing really new there . Although his after care about her leg was slightly different . He didn 't mention a cast at all . I meant to ask him for a little clarification , but forgot . I 'm used to hearing different info from different docs , so that 's not unusual . And I learned a long time ago that things don 't always go as expected , so we 'll just have to see what happens . After Dr . Labow left , we saw Dr . Meara . He is the plastic surgeon who is going to " fix " her left eye . I must say that I 'm pretty darn excited about that . He said it is going to be a big change . I honestly can 't imagine her looking any different than the way she looks now . So , it 's REALLY hard to picture what she 's going to look like with her eye more " normal . " And I want it understood that I think she is so freaking cute just the way she is . I 've never wanted her face to change . But , at the same time , I know that one of the first things other kids notice about her is her eye . Plus , I think it has a lot more drainage issues because it is so open and exposed . It needs to be fixed , so we might as well get it done . He said the risk is that he is working against gravity . So , he 'll bring it up , but over time , it could go back down . We 'll just hope that doesn 't happen . Back to being excited and hopeful . . . After that , we went to cardiology to see the electrophysiologist , Dr . Cecchin . He asked me a few questions about why they set her pacemaker so low ( meaning that they are letting her heart rate get pretty low before the pacemaker kicks in ) . I told him it was because they wanted her heart to initiate as many beats as possible . I think . If I remember correctly . Luckily he said that they weren 't going to change anything today . While I 'm sure he 's a fantastic doctor - I don 't need anyone else in there recreating stuff . Although he said they were going to adjust her settings for surgery . He doesn 't want it that low during / immediately after surgery . And then we were DONE ! Even though it wasn 't the busiest day we 've ever had , we were BEAT ! Surgery is exactly ONE month from today . I 'll end with two more pictures . Awww , Harlie and Maggie watching Wild Kratts . And I just HAD to have this hat . It says , " Powered by Optimism . " I might need it in the coming months ! You might notice the hodge - podge of crammed furniture in the background . And the gorgeous window treatments . Yep . Storage room . Oh ! I forgot to mention that when we checked in and got our room key , the clerk said that we got her " favorite " room . That kinda scares me . We made a mental check not to ask her for any recommendations on places to go or eat , etc . Okay , that 's it . Tomorrow we have to be at the hospital by 7 : 30am . So , more later ! Thanks for all your love ! We took our time getting started on Sunday morning . Once Harlie was up , she started signing " fish " - she clearly wanted to go to the aquarium . So , off we went . We stopped at the front desk to ask them how to get to the " T " ( train ) . He told us to take a right out the doors and to follow the family that just left - because that 's where they were going . Once we were on the " T " the little boy in that family said , " So , you 're staying at the same hotel we are . " I told him yes . And then he told me that he is having surgery at the Children 's Hospital . I told him Harlie was , too . He asked why and then told me why he was having surgery . He was eight . It was really cute to have that conversation with him . It made me wish Harlie could have a conversation , too . At her age , she 'd be able to talk to him about it , which would be really cute . Anyway , we took the Green line to Government Center , where we switched to the Blue line and then got off at the aquarium . We went to go stand in line and within seconds an aquarium employee came up to me and told me that we could skip the line and go straight into the building . What ? ! So , I thanked her and we headed on in . Totally awesome ! Then they let her in for free ! Wowza ! Things were really looking up ! We walked all through and the kids had a good time . I don 't think I 'm supposed to upload a lot of photos because I 'm using a wireless card or something ( not tech savvy over here ) so I 'm going to have to post photos later . After the aquarium , we walked over to Fanueil Hall , which was pretty cool . They have a Crocs store and Harlie needs a new pair . So , we went in there and she flat out REFUSED to try any shoes on . Which is really weird because she loves her Crocs . Which might explain why she didn 't want to try any on , now that I 'm thinking about it . They didn 't have the ones that she has at home ( I think they are getting too small ) . Interesting . And annoying . Anyway , after that we went on a Duck Tour , which I thought was awesome . I know the girls didn 't appreciate all that the driver was saying , but Heather and I thought it was very interesting . And the driver was pretty funny . After the duck was in the water , he asked if anyone wanted to drive it . So , Mallory and Harlie got to drive it for a little bit . We were supposed to meet up with a friend of mine from high school , but unfortunately that didn 't work out . My brain wasn 't as sharp after all the walking around we did and when we were figuring out the times of when we had to be where , I messed up . Ugh . After the duck tour , we headed back to the T to go back to the hotel . It was a little after 8pm by then , and the girls were worn out ! We got on the Blue line and headed towards Government Center again . We checked the map and found " Longwood " and took the Green line that would take us there . I have to admit that Heather and I were pretty darn proud of ourselves for all of our navigation . By this point , it is after 9pm and it is dark outside . So , we get off at the Longwood stop ( which is an outside stop ) and I immediately set up Harlie 's chair and get her in it . While I was doing that Heather said , " Christy , I don 't think this is where we got on . " I stop and look around . Chirp , chirp . The station is almost empty ( there is one guy on the other side of the tracks waitThe girls fell asleep and Heather and I stayed up into the wee hours drinking wine . Again , laughing and talking and having a blast . Oh , and eating a bunch of cold pizza and candy . It was a great day . Monday We got a really late start to Monday . We took the T back to the aquarium area . It was lunch time and we were hungry . Heather wanted to try a Lobster Roll . So , Tom found the Yankee Lobster Fish Company and said we should go there . Unfortunately we had to take a cab . But it was good . And then we headed back towards Fanueil Hall ( near the aquarium ) . We walked along the shops and since I am pretty stubborn , too , I took Harlie back to the Crocs store to see if she was in a better mood to buy some new shoes . Nope . Then we headed back to the hotel for our 4pm appointment with the oral surgeon and another surgeon . Heather 's flight didn 't leave till 8pm , so they went with us to our appointment . And I think that had to have been fun for Harlie . 4pm Pre - op consult with Dr . Padwa and Dr . Taghinia 2 . Dr . Padwa ( oral surgeon ) thinks she might wire her mouth shut for a few weeks . But she won 't know for sure until she gets in there and sees how things look and how things go . 3 . She examined Harlie 's mouth and just with a little bit of touching , Harlie gagged a little . She is a little concerned that Harlie won 't be able to tolerate getting the dental molds tomorrow . This was my worry , too . So , if it doesn 't work tomorrow , they are going to sedate her for the CT scan on Wednesday and do it while she 's sedated . 4 . Dr . Taghinia will be working with Dr . Labow to harvest the bone and vascular tissue from her fibula . I asked if they are going to take a vertical sliver or slice from her fibula . And he said , no . They are going to take a section of the whole bone from the middle of her leg . So , they are going to cut her bone in two places and take the piece from the center . I asked if they are going to replace it with anything . And he said , " No . " WHAT ? ! ? ! So bone will go down from her knee and will just end . And bone will come up from her ankle and just end - without the bones touching in the middle . Isn 't that crazy ? ! ? ! Apparently that is not a weight bearing bone and we don 't really need it . But it still seems pretty freaky to me . I can picture those x - rays now . . . 5 . Her leg will be casted for a few weeks and she will not be able to bear weight . So , that should be fun . Have I mentioned how much I love her new stroller ? 6 . Just in case you 're curious ( as was I ) they take turns taking breaks to eat , drink , etc . during the surgery . It will last 10 hours , give or take . I told them I did not want them to be distracted by their hunger . It was actually a funny conversation . 7 . After we covered all the info , Dr . Padwa asked how I was doing . Nice , huh ? Then we left . We stopped to get Heather and Mallory some dinner before they had to head to the airport . Then we went back to the hotel , Heather packed and we all headed to the T station . In the meantime , my friend from high school ( Mike ) was on his way to meet me for dinner . On our way to the Longwood stop , we met up with him . Then we had to say good - bye to Heather and Mallory . I am so thankful for them coming up this weekend . We all had so much fun . And I think Harlie and Mallory got to bond a little . They were actually very cute together . So , then me , Harlie and Mike went to dinner . It was great to catch up with him . Thanks for dinner , Mike ! So , we 're here and it 's already been somewhat of an adventure . Yesterday I spent most of the day packing . We got to the airport a little more than two hours before the flight . The kids were running to the window to try and see some airplanes while I took a little break to sit down ( while we were waiting for Heather and Mallory to arrive ) . And I wanted to cry . I just don 't want to go . I don 't want to do any of this ! Why does it have to be like this ? ! But , those thoughts get me no where . They are how I feel , but feeling them is a waste of energy . I have to shake it away . I have to move forward and try to think as positively as possible . Because we have to do this . We have no choice . I watched all the kids laughing and having fun running from the seats to the window and back again . Including Harlie . She was running her own , unique little " run " ( it 's really more like speed walking because she keeps one foot on the floor all the time ) , pumping her arms , trying to keep up with them . And laughing . I wanted that positive energy to be contagious . After checking in our bags , Tom and the kids went with us to the security point and we said our goodbyes . And that 's when the fun started . I told them that Harlie has a pacemaker so she can 't go through the metal detector . And that 's when progress came to a screeching halt . Apparently there have been some recent policy changes on how to handle minors who cannot go through normal screening methods . So , Heather and Mallory go through and they said we had to wait for someone . We waited for what felt like forever ! Then a man came up to me and said , " Okay , Ma ' am , let me tell you what 's going on . " What ? ! Then he told me about the policy changes and said they have to call the federal security guy and get direction from him and now he 's aware of the situation and it will be a little while . Seriously ? So , I ask , do you have to do this for every kid with a pacemaker ? I don 't remember his response . In the meantime , Heather gets a thorough screening by security for being with us ( because we had 2 cans of formula with us and that is a red flag right there ) . They put on gloves and patted her down and then tested the gloves to see if there was anything bad on them . I don 't think Heather will be traveling with us again any time soon . Finally a man came to stand beside me and he was on the phone . He would ask me a question and then tell the person on the phone . There also seemed to be an issue with Harlie 's chair . I call it a stroller , but it does sort of look like a wheelchair with really small wheels . So , I told him she can walk through and I can fold the chair and put it through the conveyor belt thingy . Anything to make this process go faster ! So , that worked . She walked through with the security guy and I went through the metal detector . Which went off because I didn 't take my bracelets off . There was a really nice female security person who was kind of watching out for us the whole time . So she gave me that bowl and I put them in there . By now I was a little frazzled and felt pretty silly for not taking them off while I was standing there doing nothing . Luckily , the airport wasn 't that busy . Mental note for future flights ! Come extra early . So , I went through and then there more questions . He asked for my driver 's license to take a photocopy of it . Then he asked for my cell number . I told Heather that I would be getting a phone call later . Then that nice security lady came up to me and handed me my bracelets . I had totally forgot to get them ! Whew ! Thank goodness she was so nice . You can really tell I don 't travel much . So , we go and sit down to get a little snack . After a little while , my phone rang . It was security . He had another question for his report about the situation . As far as security goes , they were all very nice and apologized for how long it took . And the security guy who walked Harlie through told me that any time a minor can 't be screened , they have to deal with it on a case - by - case basis . When he was on the phone asking me questions , based on his response into the phone , I am sure the guy asked him if he felt good about letting us through . I couldn 't help but remember what Brandy said earlier . I was thinking aloud about what time we had to leave to go to the airport and she said , " Christy , they say two hours early for normal people . So , you need to go even earlier . " haha ! So , the plane was fine . Bumpy for a little while , but fine after that . Harlie played musical chairs and switched seats a few times . And of course she had to see the potty . And play with the tray and the window . Right as were landing , Mallory blurts out , " Boston is awesome ! " We hadn 't even landed yet and she 's never been there before . We had to laugh , including the passengers around us . It was pretty funny . So , we land and go and get our baggage . And then walk out to find our car . Our awesome neighbor arranged this for us . . So , we hop in and start to head to the hotel . We get about three feet when my cell phone rings . It 's a Boston area code , so Heather looks at me like , " C ' mon ! " Thinking it was security again . But it was baggage claim . Apparently I grabbed the wrong red suitcase . Oops . I told you I don 't travel much ! So I ask the driver to stop and we jump out to get the wrong suitcase out of the back so I can exchange it . But , the door to the storage area of the van is broken and he can 't get it open . Ugh . He finally pushes and turns in the special way that makes it open and off I go back to baggage claim . I apologize profusely ( he was actually pretty nice about it ) and grab my bag and go . The driver puts it in the back and again , we 're off to the hotel . During our ride , Heather decides to look up the hotel on a bed bug website . Apparently , a few months ago , they had all the beds and box springs replaced on the 7th floor . Nice . So , we 're driving through a tunnel when all of a sudden a car starts honking it 's horn and saying something to the driver . Of course we stop talking to see what was going on . Then the driver stops - in the middle of the tunnel ! And says the luggage door must be open . ACK ! ! ! So , he jumps out , while Heather and I pray that no one slams into the back of the van , and shuts the door . I also pray that Harlie 's medical equipment or our clothes aren 't a few miles back laying in the street . We get to the hotel , which is right next door to Boston Children 's Hospital and check in . At this point , I 'm a nervous wreck about this stay . The hotel already looks a little dumpy . We get our room key - not on the 7th floor - by the way . Which I mention to Heather , who then says , " At least they replaced all the beds on the 7th floor . " According to the bed bug report , there was an incident in May on this floor in the room right next door ! ! ! ! ACKKKK ! So , before anyone did anything , Heather and I inspected the beds . They appear to be fine . The room is clean . Albeit run down . But , just to get it out of my system . . . . There are three beds . All in one big room . Weird . And there is a couch , and two chairs , all in a row - like touching each other - and none of them match . In fact , none of the furniture matches . Apparently we are staying in a storage room . Heather opens the drawers to a desk and tells me that there are metal trays in it for file folders and organization . Apparently , that desk was in the office and when some guy downstairs got a new desk , they were like , " Put it in room 422 , with all the other junk . " One of the electrical sockets has lost most of it 's plastic cover - so one could easily stick a finger ( or several ) in there . One sliding light switch is broken . There are three small windows with just white , grungy mini blinds on them . This place is not nice . Although it appears clean , so , I 'm holding on to that . But Harlie and Mallory don 't see this room the same as we do . They ran around like it was the best room ever . Mallory jumped from the bed , to the couch , to the chair , to the chair . It was hysterical . So I really tried hard to look at it from their view and just roll with it . Like I have a choice , right ? I think it just stings a little because it 's so freaking expensive ! ! ! ! And I would think that most people who stay here are staying here because of the children 's hospital . So , talk about taking advantage of people that already in the dumps , and don 't have a lot of options ! Just another perk to having a medical complex child ! So , Heather and I ordered a pizza ( which they got our order wrong ) and drank a bottle of wine . And we talked and laughed till after midnight . So , all 's good again . They are all sleeping in . But thanks to my dear , sweet Cooper , I can no longer sleep in . So , I thought I 'd bring you up to speed with our trip so far . I don 't know what we are going to do today . The aquarium ? A Duck tour ? Boston Commons ? We 'll see . . . I had such high hopes of getting you all caught up this week . I even started to write a few - but even since then some things have already changed . This post is just to tell you that we leave for Boston tomorrow ! I can 't believe pre - ops are already here ! And that means that surgery is just over one month away ! Crazy ! To think I started this process almost one year ago ! Whew ! My friend Heather and her daughter Mallory , are flying up with us tomorrow . We will have an abbreviated little " girl 's weekend " which should be fun . They will leave on Monday . And later Monday afternoon Harlie will have her first appointment with a couple of the plastic surgeons at Boston Children 's Hospital . Then Tuesday morning , my niece , Maggie , will fly up to help me with Harlie . She is supposed to arrive around 8am and our first appointment is at 10am . So , my fingers are crossed that everything works so she can make it before then . The thought of having to talk to all these doctors and go through all the tests and stuff all by myself with Harlie was very overwhelming . It is so hard to try to focus on what they are telling me when I have to also keep her entertained - especially when she has to go potty . So , Maggie will be a huge help ! Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be long days , full of appointments . Then we fly back home on Thursday . I sat down to think / write down Harlie 's packing list yesterday . Man , I have to take a lot of crap with us . I wish I had thought about it sooner - but we so should have shipped her formula to the hotel . I have to carry a case ( 24 cans ) of formula with me . Ugh ! At least I won 't be carrying it back . Tom told Harlie that she gets to ride on a plane again . She immediately pointed to the stuffed fish she got during our last trip there . And now she keeps signing " plane . " I 'm thankful she finds that fun . For now . We 'll see how she feels about it after she has to have dental molds done . I think I 'm more worried about that process than anything else right now . I don 't know how in the world they are going to get them done with the way her mouth opens and her inexperience with food in her mouth . I really don 't see how she 's going to tolerate that . And I 'm fearful of emotional scarring . For me , not her . Just kidding . It 's just that we 've tried so hard for years to make anything associated with oral feeding as positive of an experience as possible . And this will be far from positive . I 'm assuming , anyway . Changing subjects for a second . . . Tom 's sister , Kristie , and her two kids , Nathan and Tayne , stopped in Richmond for a quick hello while on their way to the beach for vacation . It was great to see them , if only for a few minutes . Have fun guys ! Okay , must run . I have to get up early in the am to go to Adrenaline ( must work that stress out while I can ! ) . Then it 's time to pack , then leave . Oddly , I 'm excited . I just want all of this behind us . It feels like we 've been going up the first hill of a roller coaster forever ! Even though it 's not going to be done after this trip - at least it feels like progress . Thanks ! Where to begin ? First - I want to say how awesome Lynda Reider is for offering to put on a fundraiser for us and get it organized in less than ONE month ! She did a fabulous job and I think she might have found her calling . I can 't imagine how much time she put into this thing ! I also want to thank the Daisy troop 5091 moms and daisies . They welcomed us with open arms and jumped right in to help Lynda pull this whole thing off . I have heard so much wonderful feedback from people who were at the event and they said they had such a great time . All thanks to those wonderful moms ! My niece Jordan and her friends , Kayla , Tyler , and Rocky were busy at work moving tables , putting things where they needed to go and offering to do more . Thanks guys ! ! Maggie , another niece turned 20 that day and came back into town early that morning just to help with this event . Thanks Maggie ! The event started at 8 : 30am . Set - up started at 7 : 30 . I wanted to be there a little early . But , of course we were a little late . I promise I try ! ! ! But luckily everyone else was on time and set - up was already well underway . As soon as I walked into the room and saw how many people were working to help , I wanted to cry . Seriously ? How can we be so lucky as to have so many people who care about us ? I don 't have pictures yet , but Sew Susan donated her time and expertise to make t - shirts for the daisy moms and a few others for the event . That was a last minute add - on and somehow Lynda pulled it off ! Seriously , the girl gets things done ! We went with red shirts and white lettering that said " We heart Harlie . " And Susan thought that Harlie should have her own shirt . So , she wore a white shirt , with red lettering that said " they heart ME " . How clever is that ? That was Susan 's idea - and it was SO cute ! ! ! So , walking in to see a room full of red shirts that say We heart Harlie made me a little emotional . We 've had so many people since the event say they want a shirt of their own that we are going to make them available for order . Again , thanks Sew Susan ! ! ! I 'll have all the details soon . One of the first people that arrived was a familiar face - but I just couldn 't place where I knew her from . So , I asked her how I knew her and she said Saxon shoes . I was blown away . First , YES ! That is exactly where I knew her from . I have bought many a kids ' shoes from there and she is usually the one that double - checks that the fit is a good one . And she has helped me with Harlie 's shoes , too . Second , how incredibly thoughtful is it that she ( and two other Saxon employees ) came to the event ? ! Seriously ! The whole day was like that . It was crazy ! A Sweet Frog store opened up just a few days before the event and Lynda got them involved , too . They sent t - shirts , stuffed animals and mascots ! They were huge ! It was great ! Well , except for Harlie who was TERRIFIED and wouldn 't let me ( or whoever I could pass her off to for a moment 's break ) put her down . The raffles were in the cafeteria , scattered about on round tables with flower pots in the center . And there was Zumba and Tae Kwon Do in the gym . It was awesome to see that the Zumba class was filled with all ages - older adults to little kids . And they were all having a great time ! I 've heard from numerous people that Sylvia , the Zumba teacher was awesome . Thank you , Sylvia ! ! ! After Zumba was over , Master Cho 's came in to do a Tae Kwon Do instruction . The kids looked like they were having a blast in there ! Thank you Master Cho 's ! While those activities were happening in the gym , there were relay races and Adrenaline ( and free play time on the playground ) going on outside . It was a beautiful day and everyone looked like they were having fun out there , too . Then it was time for the raffles . Everyone moved to the gym and stood around or sat on the floor . Lynda and some other daisy moms were on stage . I was a nervous wreck because I knew that when it was over I would have to go up on stage in front of all those people and speak . It was emotionally exhausting ! While I wouldn 't necessarily consider myself " shy " I am definitely not a mingler , either . I was out of my comfort zone for sure . I went up to people I didn 't know and introduced myself . And I stood up in front of a crowd of many I know and love ( I think it 's easier to speak in front of strangers ) and tried to let them know how incredibly thankful I am . That was not an easy task ! I get emotional just thinking about it . The only way I can think to describe it is that it is so emotionally complicated to have a fundraiser organized for your family . I 'm so thankful for the love and support of our friends , family , and strangers . And I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed to have that kind of support . But then I wish more than anything that it wasn 't necessary at all . I wish Harlie could be a healthy , talking , giggling , nose breathing little girl who could swim and hear and enjoy her life like her brothers and her friends . But , I try not to think about it that way . We are LUCKY to have her . And we are HAPPY to have her . Every single day . So , see what I mean ? I 'd give anything to be the giver versus the receiver in the fundraising area . I was talking to some wonderful moms a few weeks ago about the fundraiser and they were so excited about it 's success . One of the moms was there and said she had a great time . Anyway , I was explaining that she 's our responsibility and we are willing to go into massive debt to get her the care she needs . And she said , " What does every woman expecting a baby pray fI am still working on my thank you notes from the event . But in the meantime , please know how much we appreciate your support and giving spirit . And I mean everyone who donated money , all the businesses that donated items , all the people who helped get the word out and get some of those businesses involved , and everyone who chose to spend their precious time with us , supporting us . We are so thankful ! Oh , and one of the points I wanted to make in my thank you at the event ( repeated * sort of * for those that had to leave early and couldn 't hear it ) is that it can be very lonely being the mom of a child with complex medical needs . There are everyday " things " in my life that have had to become my normal that most mothers have never even heard of - nor had to accept , learn , deal with , etc . So it 's easy to feel lonely . But not on this day . Nope . On this day we were surrounded by so many people who care - even though they might not understand , they care . And I 'm going to remember that feeling in August , when we 're sitting in the OR waiting room for 10 + hours . I 'm thinking we might start to feel lonely . So , I 'll look at the video below and I 'll remember that I 'm really surrounded by some awesome people who love us . So , thank you for that ! On Friday June 29th , we went camping for the weekend . My friend Jennifer has a camper at a campground off the Mattaponi River about an hour 's drive from here . We rented a one room cabin with an A / C window unit . There is no way Harlie could handle the heat with no A / C , especially when they were calling for temps over 100 degrees . I admit that I was stressing about the weekend . I had not been there before and was a little nervous over what we were going to do with Harlie . Even though we had the cabin , we couldn 't hang out in there all day . Most of our time was going to be spent outside . And between worrying about her and having to pack , it was feeling more like work than play . And we couldn 't take Rooney ! It was going to be our first time away from him . So , I knew that was going to be hard , too . But , I trudged forward and made myself go because you never know unless you try . I dropped Rooney off at a friend 's house . She has four pugs and a dalmatian . He just blended right on in . I thought I would cry when I left . I didn 't , but he did ! She was awesome and sent me some photos . I missed him so much ! I mean , just look at his cute little face ! We got to the campground in the evening ( maybe around 8pm ? ) , got settled in , and visited with Jennifer and her family . A little after dark , we took the kids back to the cabin for bedtime . The cabin has a full - size bed , and twin bunk beds . And we brought an air mattress for Harlie . I can 't remember now , but Jennifer called us to let us know that a storm was coming . And she was nervous . The storm hit not long after that conversation . We could hear the wind and it was a little scary being in that tiny little cabin without being able to see what was going on outside . A big branch fell on the roof of the cabin and that got us scared . There was very little protection in that cabin . So , we moved Murphy down from the top bunk into the bottom bunk with Cooper . Then Jennifer called again and told us we should get out of there and that everyone was getting in their cars and going to a clearing trying to get away from the trees . By this time ( it all happened very quickly ) the wind was very scary and we had lost power . So , Tom went and got the truck ready and I was going to start to get the kids up . When he got back to the door he started yelling that we needed to hurry up . So , I struggled to get Murphy awake and told him to go with Tom to the truck . Then Tom came back to help me with Harlie and Cooper . I got Cooper and Tom got Harlie , then I realized I needed her suction machine and I wanted her hearing aid . And as I was headed out I also grabbed her emergency bag , too . I mean what if something crazy happened ? ? ? Then I ran and jumped in the truck , with everything in my lap , including Cooper . I didn 't even have the door shut before Tom was backing out of there . It was pretty scary . I think Cooper stayed pretty much asleep the whole time - which is VERY unusual . He is not that heavy of a sleeper . Harlie woke up and was very confused . Murphy was definitely scared . He said that he didn 't like seeing us scared . So , Tom said , " Murphy , we 're not scared , we 're concerned . " I don 't know if driving to the clearing was all that much better . If a tree fell , it would have still squished us . We couldn 't get far enough away to be out of the way . But , for some reason , it made us feel better . So , to lighten the mood , Tom put on some music and I took a picture . Ahhh , memories . After about 30 - 45 minutes , the storm was pretty much gone and so we headed back to the cabin to get some sleep . Since it was a small , one - room cabin , it was still cool from the A / C that was kickin ' earlier . But , it was dark , which was fine . We brought flashlights . Of course we couldn 't plug in Harlie 's suction machine or pulse ox machine . Both have batteries , but need to be recharged at some point . The worst part of not having power at the campground , is that there 's no power to run the well water pump , so that meant no water , either . Ouch . The next morning we headed over to Jennifer 's camper for breakfast . Her husband got up super early and drove back home to get his generator , which was awesome . So , at least the camper had power and A / C inside . So , throughout the day , we could go inside and cool off . For the most part , we spent the day at the beach area of the river . Here are some of my favorite pictures from the weekend : We still didn 't have power by Saturday night . So , Jennifer and I took their golf cart over to the cabin to see if it was cool enough to sleep in . It had been over 100 degrees that day , and it was HOT in there . We didn 't feel comfortable with Harlie being in that heat . So , Jennifer said we were just going to have to sleep in the camper with them . The camper sleeps six . That night , it slept 11 ! Jennifer was a real problem solver fitting us all in there . It was like a puzzle . And her husband went and got a huge thing of water and put it in the camper well so we could take showers . We were so grateful for some clean water and A / C ! That night ( Saturday ) there was another storm expected . Geez ! We all stayed in the camper that night . Of course we had to constantly go back and forth from the cabin and the camper to go get our stuff . It wasn 't until it had started to storm again that I realized I forgot to get Harlie 's formula . Ugh ! So I asked Tom if he would run over there and grab some . And he said , " So , let me get this straight , we 're in a storm , in a camper , and you want me to go and get in a golf cart ? " Um , yes ? He waited a bit and then ran over there . And then we left Sunday afternoon . The power came on an hour before we left . A huge thank you to Jennifer and Jeff for having us ! We had a great time ! This week is going to be nuts . Harlie starts summer school , Cooper starts summer preschool camp , Murphy still has swim team practice everyday , and we have a new nurse starting this week . So , here 's the schedule : Terri is working today , so today isn 't a big deal . It 's tomorrow that kinda stinks . We have a new nurse starting this week . We met last week and she seems really nice . I have no clue about her nursing abilities . I am probably not a very good interviewer when it comes to nurses . It 's just so strange to have to go through the whole thing that I just want it to be over . She came last week in the morning . It was a busy morning ( didn 't have a nurse that day ) so I had to get all the kids up to take them to swim practice with Murphy . So we chatted while I moved around doing things and then I took her upstairs so I could start getting Harlie up and dressed . Sadly , I didn 't even think about what Harlie would think when she woke up and saw a stranger standing in her bedroom . More sadly ( or gladly ? ) , she didn 't even skip a beat . I told her to say hi and she did . Then went to the potty like it was no big deal . I really can 't complain about the number of nurses we 've had . I know a lot of moms of kids with trachs go through way more than I have . In Harlie 's five and a half years , we 've had a total of five different nurses . E will make number six . Even though I know I 'm lucky , it 's still hard to introduce another person to my family . I 'd give anything to be able to know what Harlie 's thinking and how she feels about it . And let her be a part of the decision . Although to be honest , there 's not much of a decision to make . I 've been asking the nursing agency for a nurse for months , and E is the first one I 've met . Luckily , we are keeping Terri one day a week . She will work Fridays . And I am going to talk to her today about staying on for some evenings / weekends as needed . The only reason why we 're getting this nurse is because Terri 's school schedule is starting to conflict with Harlie 's . As of right now , E will start tomorrow . The problem is that I can 't just drop her and Harlie off at school and leave . She needs to be trained . I need to know that she knows what works / doesn 't work for Harlie , how to feed her , how to communicate wiThanks ! Murphy is 11 and is in sixth grade . He is constantly making us laugh with his crazy sense of humor and wonderful imagination . He is a great big brother and adjusted with no problems to this role . He has been an easy kid to raise from the get - go ( despite the fact he entered this world 5 weeks ahead of schedule ) . Harlie is 9 and is in second grade . She has Goldenhar Syndrome , VACTERL Association and a lung defect that required the removal of 2 lobes on the right side . After over 45 surgeries ( 4 of them open heart ) , she is remarkably age appropriate . She is the sweetest , funniest little girl I 've ever met . You can 't help but fall in love with her . Cooper is 7 and is in first grade . He is a very talkative , high energy and affectionate little guy . He is all boy and he is a very funny kid . We are so lucky to have him ! Rooney was born on February 5 , 2012 . He has been a wonderful addition to our family . He is such a great little dog and I just can 't imagine life without him now ! I love him so much ! ! ! |
Grade 6 ( continued from Chapter 2 ) . My mother remarried a Navy seaman from Missouri , and we moved to another state about 20 miles away . This man was a real family man , taking the family camping on weekends , coaching a my brother 's ball team , and bringing presents home for each of us when he returned from a sea tour to Spain . I began attending my fifth school in six years , and I joined the Science Club . I loved heading to school early for the club meetings , and things were going pretty well . I think I was really happy . But then summer came , and " It " happened . We had gone on a family camping trip to Lake Winnepesaukee , in New Hampshire . We arrived at the campground late at night , but that was no problem for us . My Navy step - dad had made us practice setting up our tent before we even made the trip , so we all knew just what to do . First , we laid out the ground cover mat . Then , we spread the tent out over that , pulling it tight to remove any wrinkles . Next , a procession began , each of us in line : first , the main pole , then , the cross - pieces , and finally , each corner support with its brace . Finally , my step - father went around pounding in all of the tent pegs . It went like clockwork , and we kids went to bed that night , all proud of our accomplishments . My step - dad finally told my Mom that she might as well start the two or three - hundred yard walk to the lake with the ones that were ready , before the younger kids drove everyone crazy . My mom protested and said she 'd rather wait . After a couple more exchanges of a similar nature , it became evident to me that Mom was stalling , which gave me a vague feeling of uneasiness , although I didn 't know why . Nevertheless , I couldn 't imagine anyone would hesitate to enjoy the unique pleasures that summertime water activities of any kind afforded , except for the fact that she couldn 't swim . Raised next door to a convent , such activities as swimming , or learning to ride a bicycle , were considered " un - ladylike , so she 'd never learned to do either . Finally , though , she rounded up the impatient bunch and headed towards the water , through the scattered grove of pine trees , as I disappeared into the tent , and zipped up the door , for my turn to change . When I was done , I unzipped the door and was just about to step out , when my step - father pushed me back inside , lunging in after me , saying that a hornet was chasing him . That 's what he used as his pretext for zipping up the tent door behind him , " to give the hornet time to fly off , " although I didn 't quite feel comfortable with that explanation , even though it seemed somewhat reasonable . He walked over and sat down on a lawn chair , by a card table in our tent , and then proceeded to tell me how pretty and grown up I looked . I was looking forward to becoming a teenager on my next birthday , and it felt like I would be entering a mysterious realm known as " maturity . " So , his compliment had an almost hypnotic effect , causing me to feel like I had somehow gotten the jump on this other - worldly existence . I suddenly felt warm and flushed , my mind racing with confusion . " Come sit down , here " he said , as he put his hands on my waist & set me down on one leg of his lap , with my legs between his . He then started telling me that my body would be going through some chanI considered telling my mom , but I felt too ashamed . And she seemed so happy with him , that I didn 't want to ruin everything by telling her . ( a BIG mistake ! ) Using the immature reasoning of my sixth - grade mind , I assumed two things that just weren 't true : 2 ) That what my mom didn 't know wouldn 't hurt her . Wrong again ! Had I told her right away , the next six years of continued and increasing abuse might have been avoided . After being cornered in the tent by my step - father , I wanted to get as far away as possible from what had just happened . Suddenly , I felt like I had to learn to swim , right then , that day . When I got to the beach , my two younger sisters , ages 10 , and 6 , were playing in the sand near my mom . But somehow , the idea of facing her made my face burn , and shame washed over me . I turned and walked out into the shallows , where my 11 year old sister and 8 year old brother were trying to teach themselves to float , sinking over and over , like lead balloons . Suddenly , I wanted allies , so we could all make a break for it , and float out to the diving platform in the middle of the lake . It didn 't look that far away , but it would be far enough away to keep my step - father from touching me ! I didn 't , or couldn 't , think of anything beyond just that . But , as my younger sister and brother would start to lay back in the water - at the very last second - they would each jerk their head up out of the water and begin to sink . Yet , I was desperate to get them out there , where I would feel safe from my secret terror on shore . ( At that age , I didn 't consider that I was putting my two siblings in danger with my plan . ) I finally realized , after watching for a few minutes , that neither of them wanted to lay their heads back far enough to float , because they didn 't like the sensation of water getting into their ears ! " You don 't mind it when you 're taking a bath , do you ? " I asked . But still , they argued : " Well , the tub isn 't as deep ! " So , I gave them my strategy for avoiding downing : " Go out ' til you are shoulder high in the water , and then ( and this is very important ) ALWAYS HEAD BACK TOWARDS THE SHORE ! " I lay back in the water & felt myself floating & suddenly had an idea for them to try : " Tilt your chin up to the sky , let the water get into your ears , and you will float ! " And it worked ! Well , after practicing for awhile , I really wanted to get out to that dock , But I couldn 't convince my sister to come out that far . Yet , my eight year old brother was ready , being just young enough to think that he would be perfectly ok , going out there with me , his trusted oldest sister . But just as we were about to make a break for it , who should decide to join us but my step - father ! Suddenly , I was frantically trying to get my sister , who was only 11 months younger than I , to join my brother and me , as my ally , because I didn 't see my younger brother as being able to protect me from my step - father , since he was only eight . But , she was still too scared of the water , and didn 't want to try to make it out to the platform all by herself . So , my step - father said he 'd help her , and my brother and I started floating our way along beside them . ( I was secretly relieved when he wanted to focus his attention on my sister , because that meant he would be leaving me alone . What I didn 't realize , at twelve years of age , was that he didn 't only want to molest just me . ) As the four of us made our way out towards the platform , my little brother started to get tired , and my step - father told him to go back . But , my little brother didn 't want to go back . Yet , as he turned over from floating on his back , he started bobbing up and down and pawing at the water , in trouble . In the meantime , I had swum until I was tired , then popped over on my back , and was trying to float the rest of the way to the dock . I felt like I was swimming for my life , too , like I had to keep going . I was scared to stop with no way to touch bottom . So , I just yelled to my little brother , " Kick your feet ! Kick your feet ! " , because my step - father was ignoring him . Somehow , my brother could suddenly dog paddle . And so , by some great miracle , we all made it out there safely . ( I think the grace of God had to be involved here , because if one of us would have gotten into real trouble on the way out there , we all would have panicked , and there was noSo , there we all were , out in the middle of the lake , standing on the platform . I felt proud , but shaken , at the grueling marathon we kids had just survived , as we all turned to see how far we 'd come . Each of us Olympians dealt with our fearsome victory in a different way . My little brother celebrated by quickly and thoughtlessly jumping off the platform , too young to fear the danger . My sister ( who still could not swim ) and I were both too afraid to get right back into the water just yet . So , my step - father told us that if we didn 't jump off , he 'd throw us off ! My sister was not so fortunate . She told me later that night , when we were supposed to be going to sleep in our family tent , that he threw her off , and that she kept sinking down and down , until the water started getting dark and cold , and she felt like she was going to explode . She finally was able to grab onto one of the support pilings , and pull herself up underneath the dock , or she would have drowned , unnoticed by my brother and myself , who were too busy to notice ! She became convinced that my step - father wanted her to drown on that day . ( A later experience at another lake , where he actually held her down under the water , until she managed to squirm away , would finally convince us both ! ) I soon began jumping from the dock , as my brother was doing , to get away from my step - father , trying to be wherever he wasn 't . But each time I went to get up onto the platform , I would feel my step - father 's hand and fingers come up between my legs , until he grasped and fingered my crotch , to boost me out of the water . I kept swimming around the platform to get away from him , but he kept coming up behind me from underneath the water . I tried moving next to my brother , but my step - father 's sneaky moves continued unnoticed by anyone but me . I finally saw my sister , who was clinging to the side of the dock . ( She told me later that it was because my step - father had seen her come out from underneath the platform , and had threatened to throw her off again , if she climbed out of the water . ) I told her to " watch and see where he puts his hands , " the next time he " helped " me out of the water . When she saw what he was doing , she nodded to me , and so began our secret sisterhood of the abused . I tried to stop thinking about everything that had happened on the camping trip . But instead , that was all I could think about . Why had my step - father done that to me ? Didn 't he love my mom ? Why had my step - father tried to kill my sister in the water ? And , come to think of it , why had my step - father told my brother to go back , and then not even looked back once , to check to see if he had made it back to shore ok ? It was awful , but it was over now . I thought about telling my mom ; I wanted to tell her . But , I also didn 't want to ruin things for her . And the terribleness of it all started to fade , like it had just been a dream , a nightmare . Back home , things seemed normal in every way . My step - father behaved the way I imagined a normal father - figure would behave . He took all of us out bowling , or to a drive - in movie , or out to dinner . He still coached my brother 's little league team , and he played lots of games with us older children , like cards , and board games , like chess . For the first time since my dad had died , my mom seemed really happy , and I didn 't want to ruin it for her . Or for us . We kids liked finally having an actual " father " like other kids did , not one who was always gone , or dead ! The only problem was that my step - dad started trying to control every little detail of my life , like what I wore to school , and how I wore my hair . I felt like I couldn 't even breathe , without him being in my face , and having something to say about it . My mom was constantly trying to smooth things over between him and me . And , I was sure she was wondering why we weren 't getting along , why her oldest child , who had always been so agreeable and cooperative , was now acting so grouchy and resentful all the time . Things got really bad one day , with me shouting and crying . My mom and step - dad ended up in a big fight in their room . All of us kids could hear my mom crying , from where we were gathered in the dining room , and no one knew what to do . But , I suddenly knew ! The fight was about me , so I would solve the problem : I would start doing the best I could to get along , until I turned sixteen - just 4 more years . Then , I would move out ! Problem solved . So , I decided that I wouldn 't tell my mom , and break her heart . She would never have to know ! I guess , I should have been flattered , but , instead , I was so embarrassed ! And , it didn 't just happen once . They were waiting for me at the end of that school day , and the next morning , and the next ! I felt like a tramp , so ashamed , that they were paying so much attention to me . The last thing I wanted was to be singled out for attention ! Someone would know what had happened to me ! So , I began to sneak out the back door to get to school , leaving my admirers behind . After a couple of days of being late to school , the boys gave up on me , and quit showing up to wait for nothing . I was relieved , but somehow disappointed , that they gave up on me so fast . Sometime later that same school year , my mother had to go into the hospital , and stay overnight for a miscarriage . My step - father was babysitting all five of us kids . I don 't know why I do , but I remember seeing on the news that a new Pope had just been chosen . Anyway , late that night , I woke up to find my step - father trying to put his hand down into my pajama pants . I pulled it away , but he just kept trying . Finally , I dug my long fingernails into his hand and said , " No ! " ( I remember thinking that that way my mother would see what he 'd been up to while she was gone . ) About that time , the sister who 'd been with my brother and me , on the platform at the lake that day , started stirring beside me . So , he left the room - but not before snatching up my sleeping six year old sister from her bed across the room . He took her into his and my mom 's bedroom , and shut - and locked - the door . I waited for a couple of minutes , debating what to do . I couldn 't call the hospital : I didn 't know the number , and my mother , we were told , was bed - ridden that night . I thought about my mother 's parents , but they were in their seventies , and not well . So , I finally decided to simply open up his door . I don 't know what I planned to do next , except that something inside told me that he wouldn 't keep doing what he was doing - or planning to do - if someone , anyone , was watching . I tip - toed through the short hallway to the next room , after locating a bobby - pin ( to unlock the door ) , and tried to sneak open the door , to " catch him , " at whatever he was doing . I thought that would make him stop . But he had heard ( or expected ) me , and was holding the lock button in , from the other side of the door . I strained with all my 12 - year - old might , to push the bobby - pin inside the pinhole of the doorknob , to unlock the door . But , it wouldn 't budge ; so I knew that he was holding the button in , from the other side of the door . I decided to wake my sister , who 'd fallen back asleep , to get her to help me to get the door open . I was desperate to save my baby sister . But , try as we might , we couldn 't do it . My step - father wouldn 't let go of that lock button ! We couldn 't save her . In spite of nearly an hour of trying , my step - father would not let go of that door ; he was still standing there , waiting for us to give up - as we eventually did . No one had said a word . Back in bed , that night , I cried for my little sister , and I cried for myself . I lay awake wondering , " Would the Pope know what to do ? " and " Where was God ? How could I talk to Him to get Him to help us ? " It started to rain , and I heard the thunder , and I wondered , " Is God crying , too ? " And I cried myself to sleep . ( I 've asked my grown daughter , whom I respect , to critique my writing . She 's noticed that , as my story has progressed , I have adopted a less personal style of relating . She went on to say that I 've started showing less and less of the inner life of my character , who happens to be my younger self . I think this may be due , in part , to the fact that , as time went by , and the abuse continued , it became more of a psychological type of abuse . I spent a lot of time " in my head , " pondering , feeling ashamed , experiencing a growing anger , and desperately trying to hide it all . Ages 13 - 14 . Grades 7 - 8 . I don 't remember anything about what happened in school during my middle school years , probably because of what was going on in my life at home . Whatever it was , I made straight A 's at it , even though I was in the sixth school in seven years . I do remember the walk to school though . We had to pass by a big , ultra - modern style house , with walls made of glass , that went around a pool , built right inside the house ! I remember wondering whether they had any kids , and if they were being molested , like I was . I say me , because I kept trying to put the thoughts of what my step - father had probably done to my little sister out of my head , like it never really happened , because I felt so guilty that I had failed to save her . ( This , I learned later , is something known as false guilt . At 11 years old , I could not have " saved " her . I was a child . And , unlike today , with numerous " Hotlines , " and countless other resources to help those caught in similar situations , in those days there were not large numbers of resources known about , or available , to victims or to the very important witnesses of abuse . ) Being the oldest of the ( then ) five children , I was often made an example of , for the sake of my younger siblings . For instance , I recall having to wash the family car , a red , white , and grey 1957 Chevy Impala convertible , in 12 - degree weather , for 2 dollars to buy records . I couldn 't earn money with my grades like the younger kids , I was told , because mine were so high , that my parents ( meaning my step - dad ) couldn 't afford it . I hated when he came up with things like this " high grades = no pay " deal . Every time my step - father treated me as special , there was something wrong with the reason . Either he wanted to mess around with me , or he wanted to flatter me in some weird way where I got to miss out on something good . It was messed up either way , and my hidden anger came boiling to the surface . When I threw a fit with my mom about it being unfair , way out of proportion to the actual injustice , my step - father ( whom I really blamed ) stepped in between us , and made a big fuss consoling me . I hated it when he tried to smooth over the messes he had created in the first place , by getting me off to the side and talking to me like I was special . I wanted to be special , just not like that , and not with him ! I remember having conflicting and out - of - control feelings so often . Even though I didn 't want my mother to find out about the abuse , and have her heart broken , I wanted her to figure it out on her own , or have my step - father give himself away by his unreasonable actions . But , my constantly - erupting anger kept everything in such a swirling turmoil all the time , that you , basically , " couldn 't see the forest for the trees ! " By that , I mean that my anger drew attention away from my step - father 's behavior - the opposite effect from what I had intended ! Not everything was about me , though . During that same bitter , cold New England winter , on the night of November 21st , 1963 , we were all awakened at 3 o ' clock in the morning , by my middle sister , who was 10 years old at the time . She 'd had a nightmare that someone had shot Santa Claus in the head . That brings to mind the one day of school I do remember now , out of those two blanked - out years in middle school : the day John F . Kennedy was shot , the day after my sister 's dream . I was in Geography class after lunch . Our teacher , Mr . Brown , an older man with a handlebar mustache , from Cambridge , England , had once let our class look at his real estate magazines from Great Britain . They showed huge castles for sale , for 12 and 14 thousand dollars . We liked them , and him . On the day the loudspeaker startled everyone with Walter Cronkite telling that President Kennedy had been assassinated , our teacher , normally so proper , and composed , so different from us , took off his glasses , and cried with us , right in front of our whole class . A few days later , my mother remembered my sister 's dream . She said that , to a child , Santa Claus was the most important person in the world . So , my sister 's nightmare was like a premonition of the death of President Kennedy , the most important figure in our country to adults . I also started learning to cook , and I learned how to make his favorite dishes , just the way he liked them . I took an interest in cleaning , too , and would go around after my mother had already cleaned , rearranging things , like she hadn 't done a good enough job to please me . For some reason , putting things in order on the outside , when everything was so chaotic on the inside , made me feel better for a little while . Since I felt bad every day , I went all around the house , cleaning things every day , and I 'd feel a little better . That is , until I was lying in bed each night , when my thoughts of sadness , shame , fear , and confusion would just race through my head for hours . Most nights , I wouldn 't fall asleep until two or two - thirty in the morning , after going to bed at 9 . Then , I 'd have to be up at 6 or 6 : 30 the next day . As I had become older , I felt the need to hide the secrets of what was going on in my dysfunctional family from my mom and my school chums . It may sound strange that I mention my mom as though she had not been a part of the family . Let me explain . I felt an overpowering need to protect my mother from what was going on . I loved my mom . She was a very sweet , loving person all of her life , and I did not want her to be hurt , nor be the one to hurt her . So , I expended great amounts of effort to keep her in the dark about what was going on , so she could remain happy . All the while , my step - dad had been focusing more and more attention on me . He spent a lot of time ' finagling ' ways to get me ' alone ' , even right out in the open , challenging me to a game of cards , or chess , or a trip to the store , for example . He even seemed to be jealous of the fact that I liked , or rather , loved the Beatles . So , he spent a lot of time making me listen to his kind of music , which was country western . And , after awhile , I did start to like some of it , because a lot of the music was sad , and I felt sad , very sad , all the time . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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The view from the school where we workWork has been going great . Some highlights have included gorgeous terracotta tiles with depictions of dolphins found nowhere else in the world , a tiny bone carving to ward away evil spirits , and coins . I only have a few more days of work , and I leave here to head to London on Saturday . This past Saturday was our day off , so Noon and I went to the beach . The bus leaves at 7 : 55 am , and takes about an hour , with a few stops in between . The beach , on the Adriatic Sea , is a very typical Italian beach . On the edge , there are some shops , bars , and restaurants . The actual beach is crowded ; there is a small strip of public beach , flanked by two large plots of chairs and umbrellas set up in rows for rent . Chris and I set up in the public space , read for a few minutes , and then got in the water . There is a barrier between the rest of the sea and the beach , giving a fairly large but shallow area to swim . I dove for a frisbee Chris had thrown , and landed hard on my shoulder , unaware of the sand bar in the middle . We then swam up to the barrier , and climbed along it to a place marked as safe to jump off . We spent the rest of the morning in and out of the warm water , had some pizza , and then got back on the bus at 12 : 30 ; the only bus that day back . Though the weather was beautiful while we were at the beach , about ten minutes after we got on the bus , the heavens opened up . The lightening was very impressive , as was the hail . We got back , at some pasta that Alex had made , and relaxed for the rest of the day . Before dinner , Alex and Chris and I walked up to the Cemetery above the town . It is different than any other I 've ever seen . Each family has a mausoleum , built like a house ; better built that most of the houses in town in fact - - they are the eternal resting places . In the mausoleums are an alter and drawers ; each with a photo of the deceased on the drawer . The people who don 't have money get a drawer on a shared wall of drawers . Walking through the cemetery is like walking through a town , bePosted by I am way overdue for a post ; so sorry this has taken so long . I am having a wonderful time . I 'm working hard , relaxing a bit , and hanging out with very cool people . I 've made friend with lots of locals , and since this village is so small ; I see them every day . Let me tell you about about where I am . Tornareccio 's population is 1 , 800 . It produces 15 % of the honey in Italy , and is also a large producer of mozzarella cheese . We eat mozzarella cheese with lunch most days , and wouldn 't dare eat it if was made yesterday . It is a very typical Italian town in so many ways . There are no restaurants , two very small groceries , and four bars . When you walk down the street - - there is essentially one street in the town - - everyone says hi . At all hours of the day , there are many older men lining the streets , just sitting on the benches and chatting . Often , I often see them when going for a morning coffee break , and see the same people , in the same places , six hours later . The same goes for many men at the bars . They are drinking campari - - a local favorite made of cochineal - - at ten in the morning , four in the afternoon , and , presumably , all the times between . People are very friendly . Today , we were walking to coffee , and the carpenter pulled us into his shop , just to show us a shelf he built . he brought us in , talked about making it for a minute , and then had each hold it . This , though a bit strange , was not at all an unusual occurrence . Women between the ages of twenty - five and forty - five don 't seem to exist here . You see everyone else all the time , but never young women . Presumably they are all at home raising families , while the men sit on the benches and go to the bars at night . It is never hard to locate people here at night , they are always at their bar of choice or at the futball field down the street ; as the annual competition is going on right now . I 'll write some more soon , and put up a few pictures ; though I haven 't been taking many apart from work . Today , I started to work . Unfortunately , the superintendency will not allow me to share any images , so I am very sorry in advance for a bland blog . I first shot clay posts that were used to hold up a crock - pot . They were in bad shape ; crumbling everywhere , and they took me a long time to shoot . I did , however , begin to get the hang of it . I spent all day in the " studio " ( pictures to come ) , and got a good bit done . After the messy posts , I shot some very small objects - - lamp shards , perfume jar shards , stamped pottery and terracotta . The work is fun . It is not very artistic , rather much more scientific . But , in that way , it is challenging and satisfying . With each object , I have a problem : how to represent this three dimensional object in two dimensions . How do I use the limited equipment I have - - basically two lights , a table , some paper , a camera , and playdoh - - to make an image . I have the camera hooked up to my computer , so I am controlling everything on the computer and I can see the image full size right when I take it . It is a continual lesson in making do with what I have , and of course , as with all photography , in light . The placement of lights and reflectors make all the difference ; I can make an image very flat , or , by moving the lights just a few inches , pop out and tell a story . I woke up , and had some pastries Jamie had grabbed . We headed to the school , and Sam took Jamie and I up the mountain . We had until 11 : 30 , when he was going to meet us at the waterfall that is , at this point in the summer , a very small trickle . We hiked on roads , trails , through fields , woods , and everything in between . Jamie found lots of terraces to study , and the weather was nice . We got back to the waterfall with twenty minutes extra , and I laid down to snooze . As soon as I had put my head down , Sam showed up and picked us up . We ate lunch , and then I went upstairs to play the organ . In the stairway just above my studio is a small organ . What could be more fun . After messing around for a bit , Jamie got me , and we met Susan and Ed , who took us back up the hill . This time , we were going to walk back on our own . This afternoon , the hike was hot . Though we weren 't out long , it felt like forever , and we were glad to get back . Half way through the hike , I started dreaming of the gelato at the bottom . But , when we got down , Bar Central was closed ; presumably due to Italy 's siesta from 2 - 5ish . We headed back to the school , and I looked for work , but there wasn 't much for me to do . I made some calls , then went back and showered etc . We had a delicious dinner of lamb , potatoes , corn , spaghetti , and melon . After dinner , Eli , Jamie and I headed upstairs to plunk on the organ . After a bit , we went back downstairs . As I was about to call Naomi for her birthday ( Happy birthday Naomi ! 14 ! ) , Moon slinked off mysteriously with two glasses of wine ; and returned soon after with Keith , the longest standing student of the Sangro Valley Project field school , now complete with a PhD in archeology , and his girlfriend . We sat behind the school and chatted for a bit , and then I successfully called Naomi . After some more shmoozing , it was time for bed . I woke up , ate some bread and jam , and went downstairs to the Bar Central for a cappuccino . I drank it quickly and walked to the school with Eli . After a short powwow , we got to work . I finished putting the pieces of the studio together , and then started to shoot . I have a few different set ups that I wanted to try , and I wanted to figure out what I was missing , etc . It went well . Of course , as with everything , there will be lots of challenges , but they will be fun and interesting challenges . I worked until lunch , and went down to eat . After lunch , I worked with Susan a little , showing her what I had done , thinking about which were the best . At two , Jamie and I got in Sam 's car . He drove us up to the Samonite walls and dropped us off . For the next few hours , we hiked back to town . Jamie is studying the terraces on the mountain - - and all the places where , in the past three thousand years , humans have changed the landscape for their own purposes . So as we walked , he stopped often to write in his field book , look at his compass , and mark places on his map . I was there mostly just in case of an emergency , so I took photos , and talked with him . We talked about Oberlin , about Archeology , about beekeeping , etc . it was a really nice hike . We got back and had some time to relax . After reading and showering , we headed to the car , and drove a few minutes to the only restaurant within twenty minutes from here . We took the seats right in front of the small TV , ordered fries , several different pizzas , and wine , and watched the world cup final . After a very fun , very long time at the restaurant , we came back and went to bed . After a small breakfast of bread from last night , jam , and blood - orange juice with a real kick , we heeded the message on the note that was passed under our door in the wee hours of the night last night . Ed , the archeologist from Oxford who is the other co - director of the project here , and his grad student Chris Noon , who has been coming here for five years , got in late last night , and didn 't know what the plan was or anything , and asked us to wake them and fill them in . We rung the door bell , and were greeted by a slightly confused and very sleepy Ed . He woke up Noon , who had a lot of trouble getting up . They ate our left - over breakfast , and we all walked together to meet Sam and Susan . They opened the doors to the Nursery school that is going to be our home base . It is run by the church , and is severely lacking in chairs higher than ten inches off the ground . After a short tour of the facility , which has an industrial kitchen , a dining room , and several classrooms and multi purpose rooms . We moved some chairs and tables around , and set up some full sized tables and chairs in the main work room and the dining room . We then all went back to Susan 's apartment to get things . We pulled things from their living room , the attic , and everywhere in between , stuffed it in Ed 's rental car , and unloaded it at the school . I then spent the next while putting together my studio . It is in the corner of the large room upstairs ; which fortunately has shutters on all the windows . I unpacked the new lights , table , and put things together . Unfortunately one of the light bulbs does not work , but fortunately , that was the only problem I ran into . As I was finishing the initial set up , Sam called for lunch . We ate cold cuts and salad , and then Ed and Noon went to their flat for a nap . Sam and Susan then took us for a drive . Tornareccio is situated at the foot of the Palano mountain ; this area has been inhabitant throughout the history . Our first stop was a little visitors center and summer nature camp . There are posters up about the histPosted by My alarm went off at 5 : 15 , and I finished packing up , showered quickly , walked downstairs . I ate a banana , put my things in the car , and said goodbye to the dog , cat , donkey , and horse . The sky was just lightening up ; the silhouetted hills were beautiful . We got in the car and began the long and winding drive to the train station . The sun had begun to rise , and beautiful golden light poured across the tobacco fields in the valley and the hillsides . At certain points , the valley mist was illuminated , creating a cool glow settling between the hills . When we got to the surprisingly busy for 6 : 40 train station , I bought my ticket and went to the right track . There I said goodbye to Michael , who was a fantastic host and a good friend . I then walked back to the station to grab a croissant and a cappuccino . Not long after paying , and well before I had finished either , I heard my train coming . I ran back to the track , grabbed my bag , and got on with no trouble . The train was pleasant ; affording beautiful views of sunflower fields and the Umbria countryside . I read some , wrote some , and watched the earth fly by for some time . I arrived in Rome , bought a 90 cent ticket back to the Tiburtina station , and then had a long hike to the train ; it was in the farthest part of the station , and well advanced on the tracks already . Since I was only taking it for 8 minutes , I didn 't get a real seat , and just sat on my bag in the doorway area . We got going about ten minutes late , so I arrived ten minutes late , but it was no problem ; I had plenty of time . After unsuccessfully looking for an open bathroom , I walked to the bus station . As I approached , I saw two guys who looked likely to be Oberlin students and introduced myself . Sure enough , I was right , and they introduced themselves as Jamie and Eli , the two other Obies working on the dig this season . Eli and I found a place in the shade and talked , while Jamie found a payphone to call Susan , the archeologist we are working with . We hung around for about an hour , and at ten got on our bPosted by After a breakfast of muesli and soy milk , I got to work . Michael told me not to work too hard this morning ; I had two massages scheduled for this afternoon . I moved all the things that were on the porch of the massage hut up the hill - - there was wood , trash , tools , etc . Michael 's friend Patti was excavating some tree stumps , and I took a break to talk to him for a while . He was born in England , moved to British Columbia where he welded dam parts , and now lives in Umbria , doing all kinds of work , from plumbing to excavating . My next job involved putting up some chicken - wire fencing under the massage hut . The space beneath is where Michael keeps things to reuse and recycle , but it is quite unsightly , so some fencing with dried plants will conceal it . When I was done , I read on the hammock for a bit . We ate lunch and had a long siesta in the hammock . The temperature under the porch was perfect ; warm with a cool breeze . At five , it was time for my first massage , Michael . I worked on him until his lovely girlfriend Martina and her son came . It was then Martina 's turn . She too is a massage therapist , so it was another great massage . Working in the hut is wonderful ; all the sounds of the birds , the wind in the trees , and the setting sun pouring light in through the open windows . The sunset was stunning tonight , a real treat on my last night in Umbria . Dinner was all in Italian . I could follow a few of the conversations loosely , and every once in a while someone translated something for me . After dinner , I laid on the couch listening to the conversation and reading . I woke up at 8 : 15 , fully rested , and took a cold shower . After eating a banana , I got to work cleaning the pool . All the leaves were out , and all the water had been drained ; all that was left was a layer of goop . I used a broom to sweep it to the middle , and a mop to clean up what was left . I got about halfway finished when the Italians came . We ate some breakfast , andwent back out to the pool . Since there is only one mop and one scooper , there wasn 't enough work for all of us . I went to the garden , and tied the tomato plants to the bamboo stakes . Next , I went to the big tree in front of the house , which was being strangled by ivy . With a machete and a pair of gloves , I removed all the vines on the lower part of the trunk , and attempted to erradicate the roots . There were big spiky caterpillars all over the ivy , and the ivy had covered about a third of the bark on the trunk . I think it will breathe much better now . When it was done , we ate lunch : rice , green beans , and fried zucchini flowers . After eating and writing yesterday 's entry , I took a nap in the hammock . When I got up , Michael and I set up the massage table in the newly cleaned massage studio , and I got on the table . For the next hour , I was in heaven . It has been a very long time since I 've received a massage , and it was wonderful . When I stood up , I could barely walk straight ; my whole body had turned to mush . I made my way back to the house , drank some water , and sat on the porch in post - massage bliss . It was then Michael 's turn to get on the table , and I gave him one of the most enjoyable massages ( to give ) that I 've given in a long time . After the massage , we ate dinner . After dinner , I laid in the hammock and read for a while before bed . I woke up at 8 : 15 , fully rested , and took a cold shower . After eating a banana , I got to work cleaning the pool . All the leaves were out , and all the water had been drained ; all that was left was a layer of goop . I used a broom to sweep it to the middle , and a mop to clean up what was left . I got about halfway finished when the Italians came . We ate some breakfast , and went back out to the pool . Since there is only one mop and one scooper , there wasn 't enough work for all of us . I went to the garden , and tied the tomato plants to the bamboo stakes . Next , I went to the big tree in front of the house , which was being strangled by ivy . With a machete and a pair of gloves , I removed all the vines on the lower part of the trunk , and attempted to erradicate the roots . There were big spiky caterpillars all over the ivy , and the ivy had covered about a third of the bark on the trunk . I think it will breathe much better now . When it was done , we ate lunch : rice , green beans , and fried zucchini flowers . After eating and writing yesterday 's entry , I took a nap in the hammock . When I got up , Michael and I set up the massage table in the newly cleaned massage studio , and I got on the table . For the next hour , I was in heaven . It has been a very long time since I 've received a massage , and it was wonderful . When I stood up , I could barely walk straight ; my whole body had turned to mush . I made my way back to the house , drank some water , and sat on the porch in post - massage bliss . It was then Michael 's turn to get on the table , and I gave him one of the most enjoyable massages ( to give ) that I 've given in a long time . After the massage , we ate dinner . After dinner , I laid in the hammock and read for a while before bed . I woke up early this morning ; I had a long day ahead of me . I packed up , helped clean up the kitchen a little , and said goodbye to Diane . I then headed , in a great rush , out the door . I had to get a receiver for mobile internet , come back to the apartment to get my stuff , and get to the station before my 10 : 45 train . The first phone store I went to , as I expected , didn 't open until 10 . I knew there was no way I 'd make my train in time , so I hopped on a bus and headed back to the apartment , considering myself SOL . However , on the bus , I saw another mobile phone company . I got off at the next stop , backtracked to the store , and found that it opened at 9 : 30 , which was in five minutes . Amazing . When it opened , I was the first customer helped . I was so relieved , and began the process of buying mobile internet . Then , he told me he needed my passport ; Italy requires foreigners to show a passport to issue a new phone number . I panicked ; I clearly didn 't have time to go back and forth to get my passport before my train , and I begged the guy to let it slide , to no avail . I tore apart my wallet , and as I was about to accept defeat , I found a photocopy of my passport in my wallet . Every once in a while , I 'm smarter than I think . He accepted it , finished setting me up , and left . I found a shortcut back to the apartment , grabbed my stuff , and was out by 10 . When I got en route to the station , I realized that a cab was worth it in all this heat and with these big bags . I hailed one , got in , and had nice conversation with the cabby . When we got there , he first asked for an extra euro for the luggage , and then realized he had no change , so he just took all my coins , which amounted to much less than what the meter said . I lucked out . I bought my ticket , ate some breakfast , and got on the train . Luckily , it was air conditioned , and the two hours went by quickly . Michael , my new workaway host for the next few days , picked me up from the station in his blue Honda Jazz . He is 60 , British ( though his mom is Italian , he spent around 20 yePosted by We met Mary at the coffee bar , and spent a long time there talking . It was cooler today , so being outside was a bit nicer . We went back to the apartment , and I was going to go walk around Rome , but I wasn 't feeling very inspired . I spent a long time resting , trying to figure out next moves , etc . By two thirty , I was ready to see some sights . I hopped a bus that took me across the river , and spent the next few hours exploring the streets . I happened upon Gelato del Teatro , one of the the best gelaterias in Rome , that Alan had mentioned yesterday . I got the chocolate with wine and chocolate with orange . It was amazing . You can see them in the back making the gelato . Yum . I explored , taking photos and wandering . I took the tram to get back ; I always enjoy foreign public transportation , so it was a treat , even though it was packed . When I returned , I gave Diane another massage . Not long after , she went out to a dinner party . I had expected to eat some food and see Rome ; but by the time I was done cooking an egg , I was exhausted , and was asleep before 11 . This morning began with coffee and a croissant at the coffee bar down the road , this time accompanied by Diane 's friend Mary and her husband , David . After breakfast , we went on a photo journey . We didn 't get far , however , due to the heat . We did go to a hotel around the corner . Behind the reception of this little hotel , is a glass door , which leads to roman caves . When they redid the hotel , they decided to do a little digging , and found caves filled with large artifacts , which they left there . It was surreal and beautiful . We left the hotel , walked to the market to buy some ingredients for lunch , and headed back to the apartment . Once there , we made a wonderful salad and pasta with vegetables . After lunch , we sat around and talked for a long time . When Mary left , I gave Diane a massage . Afterwards , we went on a little photo adventure ; the setting sun cast beautiful light on Rome . We shot the ruins , the streets , and the fountains . We had dinner at an amazing pizzeria . After dinner , I spent some time in the apartment , talking to people and getting some things in order . I then headed out to do some night photography . Jazz in my ears , I walked through the streets of Rome watching and taking photos . It was lonely , exciting , and beautiful . I woke up this morning and stayed in bed reading for a long time . Diane and I then went out for some breakfast and to do some errands . Breakfast was at the coffee bar down the street that Diane attends daily ; and when our bus came before she paid , she waved to indicate , I 'll pay tomorrow . We got on the bus towards the Spanish Steps . From there , we walked to the gallery where her photos are being shown and sold . The show is coming down , so they talked about which should stay , which are in the process of being sold , etc . We took two of the photos to the framer around the corner so they could switch which one was framed . We then went to the hotel down the street . Recently , the hotel bought one of Diane 's pieces for each room , and several for the hallways . It was beautiful . We went down the street to the big shopping area ; today started the summer sale in Rome . We bought some shoes , and then I headed back to the house . I meandered ; taking some photos , avoiding big streets , and getting lost . After buying some fruit and vegetables and at the local stand , I returned to the apartment . Elliot , who 's 18 , was home with his friend Leo . Elliot made a delicious lunch , and we ate and watched Germany destroy Argentina . After the game , they left for the beach , and I took a nap . When I woke up , I grabbed my camera and went out . The Coliseum is just down the road , so I headed in that direction . When I got there , however , I had no interest in taking photos of the sites . Instead , I wanted to take photos of the tourists . I walked around , mostly taking photos of tourists posing for pictures . When I got tired , I headed back . Julian , the older son , was home with his friend Tom . We hung around , and I skyped some people , and then it was time for the next game . I made a salad , and ate dinner and watched the game . When it was over , I went to bed . The first time I woke up this morning was at four am , when my family left for Geneva . I fell right back asleep , and woke up again at 7 : 30 . I showered , grabbed some breakfast in the hotel , and ran some errands . First I bought some more credit for my phone ; I was told I can only buy credit in France , so hopefully I have enough now for the next four weeks . Then , I bought a fresh , hot baguette for the road . My last errand was returning the gear I took by accident from the bike shop yesterday . I got back to the hotel , grabbed my bags , and checked out . I walked to the train station , and only got a little lost . I got on the bus to Courmayeur , and settled in . On the bus , I began my Italian study , I have tapes and an accompanying book . I 'm having a lot of fun with it , if not learning a ton of Italian . I waited for a little at the Courmayeur station , then got on the bus to Aosta . After the almost two hour ride , I got off in Aosta . There , I bought my tickets to Rome , and had two hours to kill before my first train . I walked around , went to some roman ruins , and then parked myself in a park and read for 45 minutes . I then got on the train . It was hot , and didn 't get to my second stop on time . It got in 17 minutes late , and I only had fifteen minutes between when I was supposed to arrive and my next train , so I missed my train . I changed my tickets , and sat outside and people - watched for the next 45 minutes . I got on the next hot train , and took that to Milano . In Milano I got straight on my next train , a fast train direct to Rome . It was also hot , but a nice time to read , study Italian , and rest . When I got to Rome , I called my cousins , and walked twenty minutes to their apartment . Diane is a photographer and teaches cooking classes too , and Alan is a tour guide ; last week he took Ben Stiller and family on a tour , and Diane did a cooking class with them , in the apartment I 'm in now . We ate a delicious dinner Diane put together while talking about photography , what brought me here , and the touring business . I showered , and now wPosted by We slept in late this morning . Over breakfast , we discussed the day 's activities . We decided to split up ; the boys go biking and the girls take a hike . My dad and I headed to the closest bike shop , and rented downhill mountain bikes . These bikes have full suspension , disc breaks , and huge front shocks . With the rental came a motorcycle - like helmet , knee pads and elbow pads . Though we laughed at the level of protection at the time , we did not know what was in store . The ride to the ski lift from the shop was only a few hundred meters long , but it was straight uphill . The huge front suspension and low seat make the bikes ill fit for any uphill , not to mention this huge grade . I made it up the hill in a low gear , my dad got off and walked most of the way . We bought all - day passes for the ski lifts around town , and waited for the next cabin to come . My dad went in first , and I took the next cabin . It was an impossibly hot ride up the mountain ; one kilometer of vertical elevation . We got to the top , got out , and spent some time up there . We had a perfect view of Mont Blanc , and of all the hang gliders soaring through the air . After asking for directions , we suited up , took a photo , and prepared for our descent . I went first . Our ride was down a very steep , very loosely packed gravel road . Standing on the pedals , with my butt behind the seat , I began slowly to gain confidence , and soon figured out that speed was the key to an easy and fun ride . I eased myself off the breaks , though still too dependent , and rushed down , yelping , for about five minutes . There I stopped to wait for my dad and to get a photo of him coming down the mountain . I waited about seven minutes and began to worry . Just as I was about to speed down the mountain so I could come back up and find him ( the hill was way too steep to consider going back up it ) he came around the bend at a snail 's pace . He had been at the top fussing with the gear , he had walked some , and the rest he had taken very slowly . After coaxing him to speed up , I continued down . Five Posted by Today 's hike was spectacular . We ate a delicious breakfast with fresh croissants , packed up , and began our hike . Not surprisingly , it began with an ascent . It was fairly long , but not too steep . The forest then opened up into meadow , with amazing views of Mont Blanc . We reached a split in the trail , and after deliberation , decided to go the long and more interesting way . Naomi and I ran up ahead . Along the way , we saw an Ibex . We got off the trail to get closer , and stopped when we were about five meters away . We watched them scratch themselves , sleep , and salute Mont Blanc . My parents passed us as we were watching the Ibex , and we followed soon after . We ate lunch by the side of a small alpine lake , with the mountains reflected in the freezing cold water . Lunch was French bread , cheese , and saucisson . After lunch , my mom didn 't want to do the last twenty minutes up to the bigger lake , Lac Blanc , so we split up . It was a bit of a scramble , with some snow , some rocks , and a ladder . Naomi and I bounded ahead while my dad stopped to talk to a family from Pennsylvania . We met at the top . The lake had a sheet of ice covering almost the whole thing , with bits of deep blue water showing through . There are two lakes separated by a small land mass , and we walked over some snow to see the second , larger lake . There has been , on the surface of a lot of the snow here , a deep red pigment . I just read that it is caused by an algae called protococcus nivalis , one of the oldest life forms known . We had all kinds of conjectures , from blood to mineral residue to pollen . After admiring the frozen lake with the mountains in the background , we began our descent to Chamonix . The rain clouds were darkening and collecting , so we went as quickly as we could . As we neared the ski lift we were to take down , we saw and heard huge construction machines . They are building an artificial pond to make snow with , and the construction disrupted our path . We had to hop across boulders to regain the path , and found my mom walking up the hill just ahead . Posted by |
Monthly Archives : August 2013 26Aug2013 Prom ( by Troy Todd ) Posted in family , heartbreak , loss , love , prom , Student Memoirs by TallFakeBlonde Prom . Those four letters that get every teenager 's heart racing . Just imagine : you and your best friend , maybe even your girlfriend going to the fanciest gala of your entire life . Taking those priceless photos in the backyard with all of your friends dressed to the nines , and your dates in the most beautiful gowns they could find whilst carrying a bouquet of flowers that we bought just for them . The limousine ride over : the holy grail of suburban transportation ; and the anticipation just rising to burst through the doors at the hall and see all of your lifelong friends . The people , the lights , and the music all just coming together to put the cherry on top of the four years of high school you have grown so fond of and nostalgic over . The dancing . The intimacy of a man and a woman moving together to the beat ; feeling the innermost connection and sparking lifelong memories . Yes , this is prom . Well , for most people that is . This was my fantasy , my expectation that I held for so many years . However , I learned very quickly that the universe had other plans for me , and this one spring day changed all of that . It changed much more than I could have ever planned . I kissed her . I kissed her goodbye ; it was pretty standard , being another end of another school day . I probably kissed her goodbye after school hundreds of times , and this one seemed no different . We parted ways , she drove home in her blue Acura , and I drove off in my red ford , only I was not heading home . In only 24 hours I would ask my girlfriend of nearly two and a half years to prom , to what I thought would be the best night of my life . Instead of my home , I pulled into the flower shop and bought a bouquet of red roses to give her after I pop the question . She loved roses . I headed home bouncing with excitement . I started gathering the other materials I would need to adequately surprise her , maybe even enchant her . I was pleased with everything I threw together , and thought it was about time I start my homework . It was around this moment that I read a text that would change things forever . " Hey , we need to talk . " So , that 's probably the worst phrase in human history when talking to your significant other . We talked ; we talked about how we 'd been growing apart the last few months . I had become a very involved member of the drama club , while she focused on sports and partying , something I scrutinized at the time . " We 'll maybe we have , but I still love you " I reassured her . " No " she said , " this is different . " I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . We had only fought a handful of times in what felt like a lifetime together , but I could tell that something was wrong . I still don 't know today whether it was fate , if the universe was off - balance that day , or if my duties as a boyfriend had simply not been fulfilled , but eventually , my phone rang . It was her , crying . I had never heard her cry . My eyes welled up , and my English paper I was working on soon became soaked with tears as our relationship came to a dreary , depressing end . " I won 't give up , I love you too much to just throw this away " I pleaded . " Well , I feel like we 're just beating a dead horse here . " She sputtered between wails of sadness . " Do you hate me ? " She asked . " Of course not , how could I ever hate you . You 're my everything , no matter what happens I 'll be by your side . You just watch . " Soon , we hung up . I looked at the flowers I had bought several hours before and I just lost it . The thing is , I didn 't feel terribly sad or angry or anything at this point . I was just empty , completely void of feeling ; I could barely move . What do I possibly do now ? Everything I 'd known had just gone out the window ; how do I even go about a single day on my own , I simply didn 't know how . I looked again at the flowers , and I had a moment of realization . I couldn 't let this bridge burn down . If I couldn 't go to prom with the girl I love , whether she still loves me or not , why go to prom at all ? I went to bed that night cold and alone , but I could feel a small fire burning inside of me . It was a " B " day at Marple Newtown High School the next day , and that means I had study hall the last period of the day , so I was allowed to leave an hour early . I walked out to the parking lot and put a post - it note on her car . " Come to your house for a nice surprise ! " I got into my car and drove only about a mile down to her house . I turned off the car and taking a deep breath I opened my trunk . Inside were a suit jacket , a ton of chalk , and the roses from the day before . I looked over at her driveway and noticed that her parents must not be home , which made things much easier . Having to see them would just restart the flurry of emotion I experienced the night before . I looked out across the street pavement in front of her house , and planned out how exactly I would write " PROM ? " in the most prominent way possible . I knelt down and began writing my masterpiece , but as it so happens , her next door neighbor had been watching me for quite some time now . Shortly after I hit chalk to pavement she asked me " I 've got to ask you , what exactly are you doing ? " I looked up , " Oh , I 'm just asking my girlfriend to prom . " And that 's when it truly hit me , the hollow feeling came back , but I wasn 't about to let my guard down . But the sentence I had badly wanted to say for years finally came out , only it wasn 't true . The woman smiled and walked back into her house . It only took about 20 minutes , but it felt like a lifetime in front of her house , the house I spent so much time in my high school years , laughing , loving , and learning so much about myself . I finally finished my presentation writing out " PROM ? " with " prom " written in smaller font all around it . It was beautiful , but I had no idea what she 'd think , considering the roller coaster of emotions we experienced in the past 12 hours . I sat on the curb as I waited for her to return home , trying to hold back all my emotions and memories of before , but to no avail . I had sat in this same spot with her in months past , looking at the stars , She got out of her car , and looked over at me . She smiled , but all I could see was sadness in her eyes . I looked at her ; with my hands shaking uncontrollably all I could muster was a meek " Hi , Christina . " She ran over to me and gave me a hug . This hug was something unlike I had ever felt before . I hadn 't seen her in probably 24 hours , but it felt like long - lost friends reuniting after several years . It was a short , but we held each other tight ; filling up the hollowness within me . We released . She looked over at the road in front of her house with my bold proposal written all over it . After a few moments she looked up and said " Yes " with a trembling lip and holding back tears . I was absolutely delighted . She could have easily said no , but she chose to be courted to senior prom by her newly acquired " best friend . " We sat on the curb shortly after that , and spoke about all of the changes that have already happened . There was no usual visiting her at her locker . There was no more sitting together at lunch . There was no poking my head into her econ class just to embarrass her . " All of my friends kept on asking me if I was okay , and I wasn 't really sure what to say " she said . We sat there and reflected on the night before . " In the middle of the night , I woke up crying , and I regretted everything . I wanted to take it all back . " I took this in . " No , maybe , this will all be for the better . You were right , things have changed , and I 'll always love you , but right now , we need to heal . " A tear rolled down her face . I had never seen her cry before . I had been dating her longer than I had known so many of my friends , and this was the first time she became that emotional right in front of me . I put my arm around her . " If we 're meant to be together , we 'll come back for each other , and we 'll be happy again . " " You 're right , " she said " we 'll just have to see what happens . " I wanted to tell her that this didn 't have to be the end . If I could just convince her to not leave me , shIn the months after that day we grew apart . We grew apart disturbingly quickly . I became depressed , and bruised myself regularly for feeling so guilty that I didn 't do more to keep things happy between us . We ended up going to prom together ; however by this point she was already interested in another guy , one of my best friends , which ultimately ruined any chances of either us getting back together or me respecting her as a person at all . We ended up going to senior week together where we stayed in the same house while she hooked up with my good friend Steve , which was the cause of the first time I had ever yelled at a girl . She 's scared of me now , and it 's been about ten months now since I saw her last , and we could not be on worse terms . When one door closes , several new doors open . I found myself lost , not knowing what to do , but quickly I found that this was not at all the end of the world . I built a new relationship around my family that was nearly nonexistent before . I starting hanging out with my brother at least some everyday , and spent so much more time with my parents whose bridges I rapidly rebuilt between us . We went to movies and dinners together , and were able to talk about my future together in ways I never really felt comfortable talking about before . Most importantly of all , I was able to solidify my participation with my new beautiful friend group . Joining theater in the end of my high school career earned me a group of friends so exquisite that I will cherish for the rest of my life , and the separation between me and ex - girlfriend could not have helped more in getting me closer to these people I consider my second family . Also , by experiencing the sadness that haunted me for quite a while , I was able to realize the true value in happiness . I learned that I could be happy on my own , and that it is truly up to me to conjure my own happiness . I spent the rest of the summer into my fall semester at Penn State doing whatever it took to get a smile on my face , which became easier and easier as time went on . I was free , and I was able to really rediscover who I am . I listened to more music , and I wrote more poetry . In the end , it isn 't about how a person becomes enchanted , whether it be a relationship , a trip to the prom , or a summer of countless memories with friends ; as long as the feeling is attained , the effort was worth it . As for us , we 'll always have the curb . 26Aug2013 untitled ( by Taylor ) Posted in family , heartbreak , loss , relationships , Student Memoirs , Uncategorized by TallFakeBlonde I never thought I 'd love another women as much as I did in that moment ; I was lucky to have a friend like Amy . We both knew exactly what was going on once that phone rang . I was in a state of shock listening to my mother talk to Penny , and Amy was just watching everything unravel . I put my head down in my pillow and lost all control . Everything I had been holding in the past few months was let loose as I sat there crying , gasping for air . The next thing I knew I felt the bed cave in next to me , and a hand rubbing smoothly on my back . I was never one for theatrics , tears , or being " mushy " in any sense ; and knowing that , my best friend just sat there rubbing my back . Nothing was said ; she sat there knowing that there was really nothing to say . And that was exactly what I needed . After a few minutes my mom came out , somewhat distraught , now knowing that I too knew exactly what had happened . My grandpa , her father , had passed away that night . She came out gave me a hug and told me " Focus on what you need to do today , we can always be sad later " . I wiped my tears , gave my mom and best friend a hug and started getting ready for the competition . Getting ready was always a process with our mothers , so Amy and I always took to doing it ourselves to avoid a fight about whether our poof was crooked or not , because in the scope of things , especially today , that didn 't matter . The entire morning was a blur for me , the only distinct details being that Starbucks burnt my first bagel and had to make me a second one , and the fact that I did my hair by myself . Since cheerleading is mostly mental my mom was worried about how I would preform under this kind of pressure . My grandpa 's death was on my mind all day , and memories of my childhood kept hitting me in waves . I recollected playing in the pool over the summer , going shopping with my grandmother , and listening to his old navy stories as my sister and I lay with him by the fireplace . My mom thought it would be a good idea to let my coach , Mark , know the situation , so he wouldn 't have to ask me about why I seemed " out of it " . He must have told the gym manager about it , because before I knew it half of my friends were coming up to me asking me if I was okay , and half of them would just stare and see how I was reacting . Amy helped deflect most of the comments about it and distracted me with anything else to get my mind off of it . She kept me calm and focused during stretches and warm ups , and did everything she could to make me laugh . As we moved backstage for my last performance of the year we did our proud circle and shimmied out our nerves into Mark 's invisible garbage bag . Before they left Mark and my other coach Dre , made sure to come up to me and give me a hug , knowing that I would be okay . Amy shot them both a look as if to say , " Don 't say anything ! " which must have worked because they gave me my hug and a kiss on the cheek with a simple " Good luck T , we 're proud of you " before they left . Amy and I gathered our team into a circle , to give them one last pep talk before we hit the mat . She hugged me after the team dispersed again , shaking out all of their final nerves , and said " You 've got this " . We held hands as our team name was called up to the mat , and separated into our spots . Our friend Elyse called out " One , Two , Three … . " And the whole team jumped into the air yelling " WOO ! " . I landed clean on the mat , everyone was frozen , with our heads down until the music started . I gave our routine everything I had in me that day , putting on the best performance , for me , to date . I was so proud of myself and relieved to be done . When the routine was over I frantically searched for my best friend , sprinting to give her a hug . She grabbed my hand and we walked back stage again to talk to our coaches . I felt great , everything that I did , hit and I was ecstatic . Our coaches told us we were good , but a stunt fell at the beginning , Amy 's stunt . After watching the video everyone knew it wasn 't her fault and she did everything she could have to save it . After some final words from our coaches we ran out into the sea of parents waiting for their children , and searched for our moms . People kept trying to pull me and talk to me but Amy and I just pushed past them for our mothers . I ran to my mom and gave her a huge hug . She hugged me back and said " Your grandpa would have been so proud of you ! " . That was when reality set in . It all started in early November , just after my birthday when I had come home from practice . I remember having a horrible practice that night and being in a really bitchy mood already , so when my mom asked if we could talk my snarky response was " What now , did someone die too ? " . She just looked down and said " Your grandfather is in the hospital , they think he has a bad case of pneumonia " . I instantly felt horrible for what I had said and tried consoling my mom that it would be okay . But it wasn 't . Within the next few weeks , the pneumonia medicine wasn 't working and he kept going in and out of the hospital , until he was diagnosed with lung cancer in late December . We would visit the hospital whenever he was there , and as his stays got longer our visits became more frequent . Cheerleading picked up and I was at the gym three hours a day every day almost right after school , and I wasn 't able to be there for my grandpa as much as the rest of my family . But that was okay in my mind because I had talked myself into believing that everything was going to be fine . But I could only lie to myself for so long . I realized how serious things were mid competition season in March when he was put in hospice , given six months to live , a fact that my mother could never get up the courage to say . Balancing visits to the hospital , three teams , and schoolwork every day was tough , but Amy helped me through it all . Right before I left for U . S . Finals , the week before he died , my mom and I went to their house , where they had an in - house nurse taking care of him for the time being . I gave him a big hug while he laid in his favorite recliner and helped him in anyway I could have . We talked about school and cheer like we always do , and he wished me good luck at my competition . It 's always upset me that that was my last goodbye . I always thought last goodbyes are these big important moments of your life and that you just know when they 're going to happen , but I didn 't and it was just like an ordinary day for my grandpa and I . And maybe that was the best last goodbye , at least for me , because although not knowing hurts , I feel as if I had known that would have been much worse . Two days after the fastest eight - hour car ride home from the competition , was the funeral . Something that I thought I wouldn 't have to face for quite a few more years . Walking into the cold weird room with my family was the toughest thing I 've ever had to do . It appeared as something straight out of one of my worst nightmares . After seeing the pained faces of my family , especially my mother who was in hysterics nearly the whole time , the reality hit me . I couldn 't be in that room any more . How could the rest of my family expect me to be here for such a sad , morbid event ? I had to excuse myself to the nearest bathroom where I could just sit down and collect my thoughts for a few minutes . I needed a distraction , I didn 't care what it was but I couldn 't be in that room alone . After a few minutes of collecting myself I went back into the room and sat with my sister . She was always the " emotionless " one . I always admired how she could keep herself together at times like this . I looked to her to help keep my mind from racing . Our conversations were helping , but soon people from our other side of the family kept coming up to us and talking about it . They clearly didn 't know how I handled things like this . No one did . I tuned out of the conversation with my sister and my dad 's parents and looked to my mother , who had appeared with the person that I needed most . I ran up to Aim for a much needed distraction . Amy and her parents were all here . I was ecstatic . The second she walked in we immediately started talking about our teams rank in the country . Since we won first at the competition we had just got back from , we were likely to place first overall in the country , against the other branches of competitions . She was telling me how she checked all the scores on line and how we had had the highest so far in our division , and we were most likely going to be awarded the banner for being the best team in the country . Interrupting our conversation , a small , older man that appeared to be in his fifties announced that he would like to say a few words about my grandfather . The man was with my Grandpa 's chapter of the Knights of Columbus , which my grandfather never attended , because he hated everyone there . I sat with Amy , and my sister , Katy , as we listened to the man speak . I was somber the entire speech until the man said " Richard was a very honest man with respect for the law " , that was when my sister and I lost it . My mom must have heard us because I saw her shoulders move up and down repeatedly , as I tried to maintain my own laughter . My grandpa was known for always taking a few extra screws from Home Depot and putting them in his pocket before he left , or eating a couple grapes from the counter at the grocery store . Not that he ever committed any felonies but he most certainly did not have " the highest respect for the law " . I slowly regained control of my laughing fit with my sister and told Amy that we would tell her later when it wasn 't so obvious . After the speech Katy and I filled Amy in , as my mom came over to us and yelled at us for making her laugh during the man 's speech . The service was nearly over and people were beginning to leave , but Amy and her family stayed longer than most . Before she left she gave me a big hug and told me she would see me later at practice that week . Her parents gave their condolences to my mom and dad and they left us alone with the rest of my mom 's family . That was definitely the hardest weekend of my life , and I 'll always remember what Amy did for me those few days , and the weeks leading up to that weekend . Whether it was the silent gesture of just rubbing my back when I found out , or completely distracting me at the service when I needed her most , she was my rock . I honestly don 't know what I would have been able to do without her at the competition and at home for the next few weeks . After all , you never forget losing someone , that I 'll always know . Ever since that day , May 1st 2010 , I 've been taking the time to appreciate the people I love more , because I 'm so lucky to have them in my life . Especially my best friend , who knows me better than anyone else , and who I love more than words can describe . 26Aug2013 Untitled ( by Benjamin Bobo ) Posted in family , heartbreak , loss , relationships , Student Memoirs , Uncategorized by TallFakeBlonde I took a step forward . My left hand reached out towards the box . My fingers tightly curled around its smooth wooden handle . " One , Two , Three , lift . " I thought that the casket would tug on my shoulders and cause my arms to stretch and ache , as my grandmother 's casket had . With a small pine box , carried by me , my brother , my five uncles and grandfather it was quite light . I took a step forward , pointing my feet outwards , so that I would not step on my grandfather 's shoes in front of me . I lifted my head up , my eyes finding the shoulders of my grandfather and took another step . As I took my step , I pictured myself sitting in 111 Forum for microeconomics less than a week ago . I was sitting there trying to pay attention . I had just taken a chemistry test the evening before . I was anxious about the Math 251 test I had that Tuesday evening and the physics test I would have the following night . I was counting the minutes before the class ended , so that I could run back to my dorm and use my last hour I had before the test to study . All this was going through my head when my pocket started to vibrate . I woke up from my little zone of taking notes and pretending to care about the material . My pocket vibrated again , I reached my hand inside my pocket , slipping it along the jean and pulling out my phone . I look at it and it was from my mother . I pressed the big red upside down phone symbol . I sent her a text asking if it was important , she responded that it was . After scooting past a few students with some difficulty , I made my way to the hallway in forum where I called my mother back . " Hi , honey … " she said when I called her . I knew something horrible at happened . With these two words , I could hear the sadness in her voice . From these two words I could tell that someone in my immediate family had died . It wasn 't her and it wasn 't me . This left my brother and my father . Looking back , from the loneliness I heard in her voice , from the croaking sound that came from fighting through tears , I should have been able to predict who it was . " I 'm sorry to have to tell you this , but … your father has died . " All I could responded with was a half sobering - in - disbelief " what ? " The ground rushed up towards my face and I had to block it from hitting me with my arm . I had lost control of all my other muscles except the muscles keeping the phone to my ear and the ground slamming into my face . The first thing that came to my mind is that my father would not be driving to pick me up in a few weeks . Other students would be picked up by their parents and be driven back home at the end of the semester . I , however , would now only be picked up by my mother . It would be a long , sad nine hour drive home . So , there I was lying flat on the soft carpet floor , in the hallway in forum with cold tears wiggling their way down my face . My mother then went on to explain how she was going about her daily routines . That she thought my dad was just sleeping in , so she didn 't wake him . Eventually , he didn 't get up and when she went to check on him , he was dead . I took another step . I looked to my right and saw my father 's friend . She was staring at the ground , near our feet . Her body sort of dropped , her body language showing that she could not face the pain of looking up into our eyes . I turned my head to the left , slowly , trying to savor the moment , yet at the same time trying to let it go . I forced my eyes open , trying not to blink , so that I would not miss a second . On my left was my mother 's friend . Tears were falling down her cheeks . She tried to give me and my brother a smile . You could tell in her eyes and from the dimples formed by the smile that she was proud of us , but she had a deep sorrow for what we were going through . I took another step . I started thinking about how two months ago I thought what I had to look forward to at home had disappeared . Two months ago me and my girlfriend of two years broke up . It was a long distance relationship , but I thought out of all my friends that we could be the ones to make it through . I turned out to be wrong . I knew it wasn 't the end of the world , but I thought I had lost a good chunk of what was waiting for me back home . I had lost a part of my life back home , it wasn 't quite as shiny as it was before . After a week or so I came to realize that , I had a great family and lots of caring friends back home . I had a few really close friends , a brother , a mother and a father that still loved me . Like most break - ups , I eventually discovered there might be someone else waiting out there for me in the future . I took another step . To say this was much worse would be an understatement . They weren 't even comparable . My grandfather had described it as a punch in the stomach . However , this punch felt as if it was from Hercules . This punch , is what caused me to lose control of my muscles in the Forum building . This punch will bring any grown man or woman to his or her knees . This punch sent me aching for weeks . It gave me a headache for about two days and gave my stomach pain for a few weeks . I took another step . I tilted my head to the left . Out of the corner of my eye I could see my brother one person ahead and one person to the left . I looked at my brother and saw , that with his slouched shoulders , clamped jaw , tense neck , but flexing forearm he was thinking something similar to me . What if that Tuesday I had never received a phone call ? What if I had sat through the entire class , continued on to take my math test and then my physics test ? What if , on Wednesday night I had called my father to tell him my tests were over with ? On Tuesday I was beginning to feel the end of the semester . There were a little over four weeks left , all I had to do was get through that week and finals and I would be home for the summer . I had been home for less than fifteen days since august . I was looking forward to seeing my mother and my father , even watching a movie at night as we always did . The one thing that had helped me get through my breakup and the rest of the school year was that I would still have a wonderful , happy and complete family to come home to . In the coming weeks it would have been easy to slip into a false reality . It would have been as easy as reaching out and turning on a sink faucet . I could have tricked my brain into believing he was still alive , that he was just away on a work trip . I could trick myself into believing that he would pick me up once my finals were over . All I had to do was reach out . I eventually learned to walk away from this faucet and accepted the reality that was handed to me . I took another step . I took a deep breath and sighed . Not a sigh as if it had been a long day . This sigh came from deep from within the lungs , like the breath of someone about to dive into water . This breath came from deeper within , it came from the heart . I tensed my neck . I was not going to dwell on sad thoughts , I had to keep moving forward and put one foot in front of the other . I took another step . I started giving some thought as to what the future would be like . It would not be the large things that I missed . I would miss him as a person , a father and a friend . The biggest pain , however , would come from the smallest things . I would miss the weekly call from him and how he worked so hard to keep my single pet fish alive . When I get home , it will be the absence of the soft sound of a shoe against a sock , him taking off his shoes . It will be him setting gently briefcase down with a little clunk sound after work . It will be him handing me his black Ace comb that had a few teeth missing to comb my hair before we went into church . Once again , I tried not to dwell on the sad things , I tried to focus on the good . I took another step forward . I readjusted and tightened my grip on the now warm wooden handle . I looked to my left and saw the man who had read at my baptism . He did his best to stand tall and with his dark grey and shining blue eyes , he looked at me . I gave a slight nod of my head , to show that I see him and appreciate him being there . He stood strong , looked back at me and blinked his eyes , telling me that he was confident I could get through this . That it is horrible , but when you get through with this , I am here for you . I took another step . I turned my head forward , turning my head slightly to look at all of the people in the back row . Most of them were people I did not know . But all of them had the same expression . All watching us intently , trying to see what we were going through , pitying us for what we were going through . I took another step . The doors of the sanctuary were before us . This wasn 't how it was supposed to be . I was supposed to be in State college , just getting up and making my way to the dining hall . My father was supposed to die in about twenty or more years , after I had graduated and maybe even started a family . He was supposed to die an old man , like in the movies when the family kneels around his bed and listens to his last words . My father had no known health conditions or any symptoms . It was as if someone or something had snapped its fingers . It had just woke up one morning and decided that my father would live no more . It had decided that my brother and I would not have a father , my mother would not have a husband ; my grandparents would not have a son ; my uncles and aunt would not have a brother . Until this moment , I had not fully understood the fragility of life . Death had always been something that was reserved for the old and unhealthy . For dangerous activities and freak accidents . Never could I have imagined that life could be there , and the next moment not . Never could I have imagined that in between weekly phone calls , my father would be gone . My father who had raised me to be the person I am . My father who did so many things for me . My father who showed me what friendship , kindness and love is . My father who I was looking forward to seeing when I got home . My father who wouldn 't be there to pick me up when the semester ends . Once again I took a deep , deep breath . I took another step out of the sanctuary . Eventually we made our way down the steps of the church . We then lifted up the pine box , put the box to rest in the hearse and closed the door . And that is the last time I ever saw my father . 26Aug2013 Home Is Where The Heart Is ( by Jessica Bagwell ) Posted in fire , heartbreak , home , loss , Student Memoirs , Uncategorized by TallFakeBlonde As I sat in English class awaiting the arrival of my professor , my phone rang . It was my mother . I was instantly annoyed . I had just talked to her the night before and she knew that I was in class , so why was she calling me now when she knew that I was unable to talk ? My voice cut into the stillness of the nearly empty classroom as I harshly whispered a single word into the phone . " What ? " I said , in a tone of annoyance that I instantly regretted . I could hear my mother sobbing on the other end of the line . " It 's an emergency isn 't it ? " I asked . Before I had even finished asking the question , I was standing out in the hallway , bracing myself for the news . I could barely comprehend the words that came from my mother 's mouth . " Jess , I don 't know how to tell you this , so I 'm just going to say it because you need to hear it from me . Your house , our house … it 's burning down as we speak … " And once again , I whispered " what ? " into the phone , only this time with a tone of despair rather than annoyance . My mother had to repeat herself three times before I was able to make sense of what she was telling me . My younger sister Sam grabbed the phone from my mom when the sobs made her speech incomprehensible . " Jess , " she said , " I 'm standing in the driveway and I 'm watching our bedroom burn . " My stomach churned as the disturbing vision manifested itself in my head and I could not bear to hear any more , so , after quickly promising to call after class , I ended the call . I stood in the hallway , helpless and desperate and alone , leaning against the wall for support , trying not to visualize my home of 18 years and the flames that were consuming it . I made the short journey back to the classroom and opened the door with tears spilling uncontrollably from my eyes . I could feel apprehensive stares coming from my classmates , but my efforts to keep my emotions in check were completely unsuccessful and I sat in class for 50 minutes , silently sobbing . Hours later , after the day had run its course , I sat on my bed exhausted and barely able to function , surrounded by my best friends . Every phone call brought more unbearable news and by the end of the longest day of my life , I was physically unable to shed another tear . As the day progressed , I slowly learned the details of what the media was calling " The Tragedy in Shaler . " My mother was home alone getting ready for work when she heard an unusual popping noise at around 8 : 00 am . She went outside to look for the source of the disturbance and her senses were immediately drawn to the black smoke rising out of the roof . Several people , including my mom , dialed 911 because the smoke could be seen from a distance . It was later estimated that the attic had been burning for at least a half hour while my mom was in the house . It took approximately 45 minutes for the fire trucks to get water from the fire hydrants , which were a block away , and to start extinguishing the flames that had already destroyed the majority of my house . After a three - hour battle with the flames , the 10 fire companies and the 17 fire trucks on the scene finally succeeded in putting out the fire . When the smoke cleared , all that remained of the house that had once been so sturdy were four unstable , badly charred walls . years ago , he built our house with the assistance of a few family members . He was extremely proud of the home he had built for his family . After a thorough investigation , it was determined that the fire originated from an insulated pipe that ran through our heating system . The pipe split due to an excess of heat and pressure , which caused it to catch on fire . It was deemed a " freak accident . " My entire family was content with this explanation ; we were just happy that my dad could finally stop blaming himself for something that was certainly not his fault . The cause was not determined immediately though , and watching my dad blame himself was unbearable for my entire family . With every phone call , my mother had to continually assure me that everyone was fine . I felt useless and disconnected from my family since I could not physically be there with them . There was not much I could do and I was incapable of taking care of them , so I did the only thing I could think of . I sent them Penn State t - shirts since they had lost all of their clothes . I later realized that I did not have to worry about my family at all because the entire community of Shaler was selflessly taking care of them . My grandparents housed and fed them until they found a new house . My extended family bought them clothes and other necessities . Our friends also did whatever they could to help . Complete strangers donated essential items to my family as well . I am eternally grateful to my community , which has helped us through the toughest of times . The support has been ongoing ever since the fire happened . A local church hosted a benefit spaghetti dinner and the high school organized a bake sale . The two events raised approximately $ 10 , 000 for my family and we greatly appreciate the aid the community has provided . While my mom promised me she was holding up just fine , I heard a different side of the story from my older sister , Ang . When I talked to my mom on the phone , she seemed like she was doing okay considering the circumstances . When I talked to Ang on the phone , she informed me that my mom was practically a zombie . She said that both of my parents just sat around , silent and dazed , and that they would not even eat . When she told me about my father 's reactions to the event , my heart broke . My father has a very rough exterior , so I was surprised to learn that he had cried , even considering the extreme circumstances . We had never seen my dad cry before , which made it especially hard to bear . My father is also a very proud man . The only clothes he had were the ones on his back and he refused to change out of them even though they were coated in ashes and smelled of smoke because he was digging through the debris . He did not want to change because the clothes on his back were one of his few remaining possessions . I remained in State College while all of the chaos was happening , but I was in constant contact with my family . It has now been a little over two months since the incident and I am still in constant contact with my family . I do not ignore my mom 's phone calls anymore and I talk to my other family members more often as well . I now find it significantly easier to open up to them . I have always been very close with my two sisters , but the tragedy has also brought me closer to my mom , dad , and brother . I chose to remain in State College because I could not bear to see the scorched remains of what used to be my home . Initially , I thought this was unfair and I felt extremely guilty . The other members of my family had no choice but to face the devastation , but I was sheltered from it because I was three hours away . They had to watch our house burn down and I could not even face the ruins . It felt wrong that they had to suffer more than I did . While I was talking on the phone with my mom , I told her I felt like I was cheating and that I had it easy compared to them because I did not have to see it . She responded by saying that she was glad she could protect me from seeing the destruction and that she wishes she could have done the same for my siblings . I was reunited with my family for the first time over spring break , which was three weeks after the fire . Going back to Pittsburgh for the first time after the fire was one of the most surreal experiences in my entire life . I was dropped off at my new house by my friend 's dad . I stood outside the door with my bags , unsure of the protocol for this situation . I did not know if I should knock or just walk in since it was technically my house . I decided to knock and my mom answered the door . I immediately noticed the toll that the past few weeks had taken on her and the rest of my family . They all looked exhausted and stressed , but they were in good spirits and happy to see me . My parents were no longer the zombies that my sister had described a few weeks ago . I cautiously explored the new house and by the time I left a week later , it still felt foreign to me . The house felt big and empty and I was terrified of being home alone . It was only bearable when my family was there with me . There were little pieces of home scattered throughout the new house , but most of the objects saved were seemingly insignificant . I constantly found myself wishing that my collection of track awards , medals , and scrapbooks had survived the flames instead of my old charm bracelet from third grade or my sister 's box of poker chips . Useless items were rescued from the ashes , but irreplaceable objects that I considered my prized possessions were gone forever . I would have traded everything I had with me at school for the priceless tokens of my past . While just the thought of the charred box of poker chips upset me , seeing other trivial items recovered from the ashes made my day . An afghan , handmade by my grandmother , was rescued from the house , completely unscathed . I welcomed this small piece of home and I went to bed wrapped in it each night . Even though it had been washed multiple times , it still had the distinct smell of smoke that will certainly linger in its stitches forever . I did not care though , because it felt like home . I nearly cried on the last day of spring break when my dad walked through the door with a filthy red pot . It was the pot that my mom used to steam broccoli and cauliflower . Even though I never ate anything that she cooked in that pot , I was still overjoyed to see that it had survived . Last week , my younger sister called me crying because the school district had replaced all of our yearbooks and the WPIAL track and field league had replaced our 2012 championship medals . The yearbooks do not have signatures and I do not even have a fraction of my medals back , but my heart swelled with gratitude when I heard the news . Once again , complete strangers had gone out of their way to help my family . I still think about the devastation everyday , but it is no longer at the forefront of my mind . I never actually saw the ruins of my house and the situation still seems inconceivable , but my family has moved forward . Last week , the remainder of the house was torn down and the construction of our new house began . The fire was a tragedy , but it was not as devastating as it could have been . I initially thought that this was the worst thing that could ever happen , but I now realize that I am so fortunate and that so many people are worse off than I am . My mother was home alone when it happened and I am eternally grateful that she was able to escape . I would never have gotten through this tragedy without the unwavering support system that is my family . This situation has reinforced my belief that everything happens for a reason and I am now able to now fully appreciate every aspect of life , especially after overcoming several major setbacks previously in the year . On February 13 , 2013 , I lost so much . My possessions and my house were gone , but I still had a home . My family was my home . In these past few months , I realized that I truly have an entirely new outlook on life . When I think about the fire , I no longer focus on what I lost . I now focus on the insight that I have gained and the love and gratitude that have brought my family together . My high school calculus teacher has been selling wristbands to benefit my family that contain the saying " home is where the heart is . " It might be cliché , but it perfectly encompasses the past few months of my life . 10Aug2013 My fat American toilet and my Fairy Soap . ( by me ) Posted in food , humor , London , travel , Uncategorized by TallFakeBlonde My downstairs toilet . Massive in size in comparison . A true throne . Sorry , needs to be cleaned . Damn kids . So cute . A toilet at St . Pancras train station in London I think . No tank . Not a lot of water in the bowl . Cute . I thought of oompa loompas . Before going on vacation - or " holiday " as the Europeans call it - we can 't wait to go . It seems we are stressed out at work or bored at home . Or both . We need to get the hell out of Dodge , or State College , or whatever town we are hostage . It 's glorious to think of the wonders that await us at the beach , in the city , at the lodge , at Disney , in the tropics , at the casino , or at Aunt Betty 's house . It has to be better than the drudgery we 're dealing with at home - otherwise , why would we go on vacation ? The vacation I went on included Barcelona , Paris and parts of England including London . It was fab . Most of it . I 've traveled plenty , but we all know you just learn to take the good with the bad . To get to the fun destination , you may have to wait in lines at airport security behind the wanker who failed to put all their liquids into a ziploc . You may get taken off a plane experiencing mechanical difficulties after finding the last spot in the overhead and the right angle for your kneecaps in relation to the seat in front of you . If driving , that 's a whole new set of cuss words . But I think the hardest part of traveling is figuring out where the hell you 're going . It takes brain power . It sucks the glucose straight out your head . At home I just take where the hell I 'm going for granted ; I have good ol ' Bessy parked right inside my house . There she is , in my garage . My sweet angel of a van just sits there awaiting my flabby flat , suburban ass . I don 't appreciate her enough . And my husband thumbs his nose at her - " minivan … ha … . never ! " I just get inside and drive aimlessly to my destination . I go from temperature - controlled air to temperature - controlled air in the van . My auto - pilot brain takes me wherever . Yes , I do sometimes have to think about how to get where I 'm going - but alas , I use Google Maps on my iPhone . My son is Mr . BestFriendsWithTheWorld , so there is always a new address popping up for me to play fetch . Luckily , on this last trip , I was with hubby so I didn 't have to figure out the " where the hell are we going " by myself . We got subway maps and we got city maps . He knew he 'd be driving part of the time so he brought his Euro GPS . Once at the hotel we had to figure out how to get to our next meal . And the sightseeing spots . And we needed a laundromat . And a bank . And a pub . So , you talk to the concierge . You look at maps in your hotel room . You stare at maps in metro stations . You go into shops and ask people for directions . You look incredulously at the GPS . You take wrong exits at traffic circles . You walk more blocks than you were supposed to . You find yourself staring at the ' stops map ' on the metro car you are riding in to make sure you got on the right one . You stand on street corners wondering what psychic ninny thought it was a good idea not to put names of streets on street corners . In a European city , besides spending a lot of time thinking about how to get where you need to get , you spend a lot of time getting there - and you physically exert yourself in the process . Of course , this is also true for U . S . cities , especially those like NYC where many folks rely on public transportation . It may be a number of blocks to walk to the metro station . There may be a bit of a walk inside the metro station involving stairs . Time is spent on the metro itself and it may involve a transfer . If you have to transfer to another metro line , there may be another walk within the metro station . Then more time is spent riding this other metro line . On arrival , chances are your destination ( restaurant , sightseeing spot ) is not going to be at the top of the stairs once you emerge from the metro station . So it 's another walk until you figure out where it is . Of course , this is not a bad thing . Exercise is a good thing . It 's just different to be coming home from dinner at midnight ; riding a subway for 20 minutes and walking for a mile . Remember Bessy ? I flop onto her leather seat and she takes me from Point A to Point B . Wham Bam Thank - You - M ' am . When I got home from vacation , it was weird . That first day I drove to Penn State to get some books for work . It was so wide open . Most of the students are not back in town yet for the semester , so we don 't really have what anyone would call traffic - yet we all complain about the traffic . I guess it 's all relative . That day I noticed the cars here are bigger . I didn 't see many pickup trucks in Paris . Or many SUVs in Worcestershire . Our gas is cheap . Relatively . Hotel rooms are hit and miss . Some of our rooms were decent sized and some were small . But , most interesting were the homes we stayed in . They were all in England ; one in London , one in Cheltenham , and one in Church Lench ( Worcestershire ) . The one in the pictures was from the 1700s or 1800s . The owner , Richard , told me , but I don 't remember . He said he paid about 600 , 000 pounds . That translates to about $ 900 , 000 . Holy cod . It was about 13 miles from Stratford - upon - Avon . Thank God for the GPS . I do realize real estate price is dependent on location . The owner said his area was very expensive . I got the impression that the England location is very expensive . Now that we are home I appreciate my bed , washcloths , top sheets , my van Bessy , AC when I want it , restaurants with AC , exercising only when I feel like it , free water , and my DVR . Things I miss about the city : plays ( we saw Once ) , new food , new sights , sparkling cider , new words , new friends like Gavin , Pablo , Monica , and Paul , cool churches - you know - all the stuff people go to cities for . But I think mainly I liked noticing all the things that were different … . like toilets . ( see previous blog posts ) As far as souvenirs for the kids ; my son now has socks with Arsenal and Manchester logos ( soccer teams ) . My middle daughter got funky earrings from Paris and the oldest got a necklace . And I brought home the Fairy . They say it 's the little things . Yes - every night I just want something little . Not a little piece of chocolate on my pillow and not a little shot of liquor to put me to sleep . I just want a little square of cloth to wash the mascara off my eyeballs . In Barcelona I got some from the hotel desk as they were not in the room as in U . S . hotels . In Paris they flat out told me " no . ' In Cambridge , the hotel had washcloths and I cherished them like a meth addict cherishes their last tooth . But after we left Cambridge I realized I should have stolen the washcloths because the luxury would vanish once again . Once again I found myself stuck using the end of a hand towel . My middle child would say this is a first - world problem . Others would ask why I haven 't joined the modern world of moistened face towelettes . Simple . I have to use what I call eyeball wash for my " dry eyes " - so I guess I better start packing my own washcloths . Or do they call them flannels here ? And the horror continues . Of course I 'm jesting . I love England . But as one ages we get used to having things a certain way . Like coffee … . Coffee : It is very easy to find a Starbucks or any number of coffee houses here . But when you wake in the morning it is nice to have a coffee maker in the hotel room . Often , U . S . hotels have a mini - maker that makes a cup or two . Here , the hotels give you INSTANT coffee ! ! Shudder . Wince . Wonder . Ponder . This has happened in Barcelona , Paris and all cities in England so far . Instant coffee . Granules of dehydrated coffee . 1970s Sanka style . People drink this on purpose ? I thought this was what you packed for the apocalypse . This is what my granny bought because she was being thrifty . This is emergency coffee . This is Army coffee . I bet the Army has better coffee than this . I 'm not really much of a coffee conoisseur . But I 'm a step or two above instant . And Folger 's . I drink about two cups a day at home . I try to avoid Starbucks at all costs because I 'm saving for retirement . Anyway - the takeaway thought . Brits serving Americans instant coffee is like Americans serving Brits instant tea . But I do admit that when Brits come to the U . S . they are most certainly horrified by our tea bags . From what I understand , Lipton tea bags are more like bags of tea dust . We don 't serve loose tea in a pot to be poured through a strainer . So I suppose we are even . At least I can get a good coffee on the street and Brits can get good loose tea at most groceries in the U . S . nowadays . Some other interesting observations : the shelves at the Airbnb place we are staying at now are very cute . I love the Bob 's Big Boy stuff . The character with the black hat is from a flour company - according to our hostess . We have stayed at three different Airbnb places . One in Worcestershire ( not far from Stratford - upon - Avon ) one in Cheltenham and one here in London . It is much cheaper than staying in a hotel . All of them are a bit off the beaten path but it 's nice to save the money as we are going through it quickly . ( Airbnb is an online site where folks list their own homes like a bed and breakfast . ) Gas : Yesterday , Pat filled up the tank of the Ford we rented . It cost $ 120 to fill with diesel . And gas here is $ 8 a gallon . He said that was for about 3 / 4 of a tank . There 's also no pay - at - the - pump . At least not where we were . Vacuums and dryers : It 's adorable - they call them Hoovers here . I guess kinda like we call them Kleenex or Band - Aids . " I 'm going to Hoover now . " It 's also a verb from what I understand . And everyone here seems to hang laundry to dry . Not too many ' tumble dryers ' around . Clotheslines and lines inside houses . I had to explain to one lady that our neighborhood doesn 't even allow clotheslines . I also had to explain that in the middle of the U . S . ( where I lived for a long time ) 4 - year - olds don 't carry guns . 🙂 Also , the washing machines are often in the kitchen and they are the front - loaders . Take - out food : Here they ask if you will " take - away . " The other day I ordered a " toasty " for breakfast ( cheese and tomato toasted on bread ) and I noticed it cost more to " eat in " than take away . I asked about it and the gal explained they charge more if they have to clean up after you - as in do your dishes . So we ordered it take - away but they brought it to us on plates anyway . It was very sweet . I seem to be asking people a lot of questions . I take pictures of toilets and ask questions . Water : I have spent a considerable amount of money on still water in the last two weeks . I blew the budget so when we get home , my third child is going to have to survive on Cheerios and instant coffee . I know London tap water is fine - so my guess is the scam to only sell water must be tied into the taxation system somehow . The Duke of Dukeington must be getting rich somewhere . Food names : I take it the salad cream is like Miracle Whip . The Ma - a - Mite is Marmite which is like Vegamite . They say you love it or hate it . I think I could learn to like it . It 's a yeast spread that smells like vitamins in a jar to me . The OJ says it is " with bits " or " smooth " which is very cute I think . Pub food : It 's all been very good . The odd thing is the lack of waitresses at pubs . A pub looks like a typical American bar and grill . Tables , chairs , a bar , stuff hanging off the wall - you get the idea . But it 's different because you seat yourself which I am not used to - and there are menus at the tables . But you order at the bar and pay - then they deliver the food to your table . You get your drinks when you order . Luckily my husband knew this ; otherwise we would have been sitting there for a long time . SHEETS : Oh my ! I noticed in the U . S . that some of my European friends don 't use a top sheet on their beds . They just use a comforter covered by a duvet . That seems so odd to me . What ? That is just insane . How could this be ? Then you have to wash the duvet rather than just a sheet and go through the rigamarole of putting the damn duvet back on the comforter . I do love duvets for the purpose of giving a comforter a new look but the lack of a top sheet I just can 't abide ! ! And the lack of a top sheet kept me from a good night 's sleep a few nights ago . In Cheltenham , the place we were staying did not have AC ( which makes sense since England is not hot for many days per year ) . So , the bed had the fitted sheet on the mattress and the comforter / duvet . It was too hot for the comforter but too breezy ( ceiling fan ) for nothing . Perfect example for the need of a top sheet . So all night long I was pulling up the comforter and then kicking it off and freezing . Ug . Same thing at this place - but I asked our hostess for a top sheet and she had one . She even bemoans the lack of ease in finding one here . Phrases : Some of the words are very cute - like " Brilliant " and " Cheers . " I 've heard those two the most . Last night a waiter brought me a drink he thought I would like and then asked how I liked it . I said it was good and he sounded disappointed - so I said - " Oh sorry , it 's brilliant ! " That seemed to make him happy . I also heard " up the duff " for being pregnant and " throwing a sickie " for calling in sick to work . There are a bunch of others , but I can 't spell them correctly and even if I could , it wouldn 't work in print due to the fact that I 'm not there to mispronounce them for you . But how does anything get more adorable than Fairy dish soap . When I go shopping abroad , this is the stuff I want to bring home . I bought a purse in Paris ( $ 113 ) and a watch in Cambridge ( $ 105 ) and I will spend a bit of money on hand soap here . I know . I 'm nuts . |
The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas is so . . . ugh ! Hurry , hurry , hurry to get the gifts bought before you miss the good deals and end up with the other procrastinators at the Maul on Christmas EVE ! Of course , we have to be reminded at every step what the REAL meaning of the holiday is . An also , of course , the meaning varies greatly depending on who you ask . This year I care more about finding a little PEACE than about anything else . I just want to get through this season in one piece . With the moves , the sister 's wedding , and all the other stuff going on I wish the holidays were more of a holiday and less of a chore . Take this past weekend for example . The day after Thanksgiving , otherwise called Black Friday , is the most insane shopping day of the year and I do my best not to venture out AT ALL on that entire weekend . Yesterday , however , I had no choice . The two younger girls have a uniform style dress code for school in this town , and I got rid of anything resembling a polo or slacks when we moved to the country last year . We had gotten by for two weeks or so but the teachers were starting to make a fuss so , off through the crowds I went with feeble paycheck in hand . Thankfully , DH did not leave me to fight the horde alone . He spent the first four hours with me and all three hooflings , going store to store , shopping - in vain - for pants that weren 't too tight , too long , too this , or too that . By 4 : 30 though , he had toughed it out as best as he could and , as luck would have it , he had to rush home to be by the computer in case of work calls . Being on - call can suck , you know ? When I dropped DH off , I left the older two girls with him so I could focus more efficiently on the problem shopper of the day . I swear , there is nothing more frustrating than EG trying on every pair of pants and shoes in THREE DIFFERENT STORES only to walk away empty handed . This child has the ability to find something wrong with ANYTHING , and have a valid point to argue against it . She isn 't called the Evil Genius for nothing . I couldn 't bail out and come back another day , though . The temperature outside has dropped to pre - winter levels and skirts and shorts just aren 't going to cut it out there . I had to get some pants and warm school clothes or risk getting a call from the school for sending them to school inappropriately dressed . ( Yes , they will do that around here . ) The best ( read : worst ) part of the evening , though , was finally finding TWO pair of slacks that she liked and then trying to check out only to find my card was rejected . I hate this crap . I suck at math and if I am over my limit by so much as a few cents , I get denied . Then I get confused and have no idea how far off I might be , so I really have no choice but to leave my stuff and come back after I check the bank balance . I even signed up for a bank service that will send me my balance if I text to them for it . Yeah , . . . thing is , it only works if YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN USE IT . When I realized I could have avoided the whole disaster by using something I already signed up for , I wanted to kick myself all the way down the block . Anyway , I managed to find a pair of uniform - approved warm leggings at home for EG to wear with a uniform skirt so that she wouldn 't freeze at school today and I ran back to the store this afternoon to get the clothes I had picked out but left behind . Thankfully , I paid VERY close attention to what we got last night so I only needed to run in , grab the right size off the correct rack , and go . I always tell people who ask , that I am not a chocolate person . I don 't crave it . I don 't put it on top of ice cream . I 'm not terribly fond of things made with it . Most importantly , I don 't eat it plain . Every now and then I will see a candy bar or a box of fine chocolates and I 'll think , " Wow ! That looks good ! " However , I learned the hard way that it never really tastes as good as it looks . So why am I sitting here eating a second piece of chocolate ? I 'm just not sure . I think the heart if it is that all chocolate is not created equal . The normal every day Pennsylvania brand stuff just doesn 't " do " it for me . It 's too sweet and gritty and not at all enjoyable . I can tolerate it when it has almonds or peanut butter with it , but alone - blech . I once got a giant " kiss " shaped candy for Valentine 's . I finally threw it away after it collected dust for an entire year . Why should you feel like you are suffering through a treat ? However , there are some chocolates that I DO enjoy . Dark chocolate , I 've learned , can be very tasty . Dove is pretty good , too . Even the milk chocolate is quite good . I like brownies and chocolate cake , as long as there isn 't any additional icing on it . Oh , and I do enjoy tiny slivers of the family dessert that is made from a million skinny layers of wafer - like cake and chocolate ganache . So , I guess it isn 't that I 'm not a chocolate person , it 's that I only really enjoy GOOD chocolate . The problem is that I also have developed a sweet tooth ( thanks to DH ) and there are times ( like every day after dinner ) that I start looking for something dessert - like . If there is only REGULAR chocolate around , I will eat it . I just won 't enjoy it . How dumb is that to , eat something you KNOW you won 't enjoy ? Around the holidays it gets even worse . Once the Halloween candy comes in , I give in to the flashy , colorful draw of the wrappers . I immediately feel yucky for eating something I didn 't like ( as well as guilty for filching my kids candy ) but it doesn 't seem to act as much of a deterrent . Christmas candy isn 't much better . By the time Valentine 's Day gets here , I feel like punching anyone who tries to give me any kind of chocolate or candy of any sort . The other part of this is that I have learned that there are , in fact , medicinal purposes to chocolate . One of the reasons there are so many people who become truly addicted to it , is that it really does cause your brain to be happier . I have found that at times of stress , a small piece of chocolate really can help and what can be more stressful than the Holiday season ? I 'm beginning to think that maybe the chocolate makers are REQUIRED to pump the public with all this chocolate just to keep the number of assault and battery cases to minimum between October and February . This past week , as you know , has been a real test to my limits of sanity . From the awesome wedding of Spike and her Walrus , and all the fun and family reunion - ing , to a flat tire in the middle of nowhere , to the sudden and tragic loss of our beloved doggie , to attempting to make holiday plans without my in - laws for the first time in 14 years ( they just moved to Colorado , so they can 't make it back to visit just yet . ) Plus , I just saw the pictures from the wedding and , sure enough , I did - indeed - look as much like a bloated whale in sequins as I thought I did . While my mom and D were here , they bought us some extra treats , knowing that they might be needed in the coming weeks . Thank you two for your generosity and foresight ! Along with the ice cream and the fancy butter ( trust me , it t has to be experienced to be believed ) they brought a bag of assorted mini chocolates for the kids and a bag of milk chocolate Dove bites just for me . Maybe my brain instinctively knew that it would help or maybe I 'm giving in to binge eating because of stress . Who knows ? All I can be sure of is that I truly believed I wouldn 't touch any of the candies , but I 've had at least one every day since they got them . I have to say , I feel better and much less guilt when I just resign myself to having just one and leaving it at that , instead of fretting over it all day . It feels so opposed to who I think I am by negotiating with my brain over chocolate , of all things . I guess with age comes wisdom , and a bizarre need for chocolate . This morning , I found all three of my girls were running low grade fevers and they all had sore throats . It looks like the Traveling Plague got to them and I kept them all home on the outside chance that what they have is contagious . That meant I got a reprieve on morning duties and I snuggled back into bed for a few more minutes . . . okay , hours . This led to some pretty cool and unique dreams that I remember very clearly . These dreams are just too odd and cool that I had to share them with SOMEBODY . . . and my husband is tired of listening to them , so here goes : First , I was looking at a house to potentially buy . It was HUGE . The floors were hardwood that had been painted a few times . You could tell because they were worn and you could see chips of paint from the past colors showing through . Walking around this house , I was wondering why it was so big , and why were there so many different rooms ? There were THREE kitchens , three or four bathrooms , a laundry room with eight sets of washer and dryers ( like a laundromat , but not coin operated , ) and there had to be six other rooms besides that . The previous owners had left lots of stuff behind , like furniture and decorations . That was when I realized the place had been a day care ! I immediately started thinking about what I could do with all that space and all those rooms . Maybe , I could invite one of my sisters to come live with us , share the rent , and enjoy the room ! There was a whole group of people there with me , most of them had worked in the place before , or were part of the team of realtors that was trying to sell the house . We all pitched in and took an area and everyone started cleaning , taking down the belongings of the old owners , and eventually they brought all my things in for me . I was really tired from all the work so I decided to lie down on one of the beds to take a nap , and I started dreaming . ( I know , very Inception - like , but my late morning dreams usually are . ) In THIS dream , I was millions of years in the past and I was witnessing all the animals that roamed the area . There were so many herds of different creatures that scientists would never discover ! I can 't even describe how beautiful they all were . This dream became a flying dream , at this point , and I was able to fly fast and high over miles and miles of green grass and huge trees . The animals were roaming , and different herds were mixed together , just running along side each other . I tried to fly higher , over the really tall trees , but I found I couldn 't go higher anymore . I started to drift closer to the ground and I knew it was time to wake up froAfter that I was back in the big house with all the rooms again , just waking up from my nap . This time , it was only a short time in the future . Instead of turning the place into a daycare , I had turned it into the coolest , high - end , resale shop EVER . I had a signature fragrance that filled the air and the floors were refinished and gleaming . There were marble and brass accents everywhere , and all the employees were female , beautiful , and dressed extremely well . All the racks were filled with fashionable clothes and each of the areas was dedicated to a different style . I had a whole room for bags and luggage , another area was for belts and accessories . I had a separate section for evening wear and professional day wear . Not everything was re - sale , though . I had up and coming designers making brand new clothes that I mixed in . People were coming from all over the state to shop at my place . I was in charge of everything and the people who worked for me were all kind and honest , but very hip , and all of them bought and sold for me exactly the way I would have done it myself . As I realized that I was waking up from the dream , I tried to remember every detail so I could write it down when I woke up , because this was just the coolest idea I had ever had . I really don 't believe that other people can analyze your dreams for you . Certain things always mean the same things to me , but they might be different for someone else . Anyway , I know what all this dreaming was about , and that 's really what I wanted to share with you all . The first part of the dream is about me and who I think I am . Houses always mean " Me " in my dreams . Because it was a house I was looking at and it was in disrepair it reminded me that I haven 't truly found who I want to be and I still have work to do . All the people helping me served to remind me that I can 't do all this alone . I have to ask for help , and allow people to help me , and I need to go out and meet the new people that will shape my life in the future . The multiple kitchens and rooms reminds me that I have many purposes to fulfill . Sometimes it feels like I do the same thing over and over again , but there are many , many reasons I do what I do and they are all very important . The second part of the dream is my way of finding a little peace and happiness . I love flying dreams because they always make me feel so free . The ancient animals is my way of wishing for things in my past ; things no one would understand but me . The last part of the dream is something I wish for my future . That I can be fabulous , and maybe even wealthy , but I would do it in a way that would help other people , instead of taking advantage of those who have disposable income . I have always wanted to be in charge of something that other people admired . Dressing fashionably and with class has always been a secret sort of dream for me , but I never have been able to achieve it . I am short , round , and terribly limited in the sort of money required to wear chic suits every day . Besides , I work at home . . . okay I STAY at home and sometimes I make money for what I do . There is no reason to wear anything more dressy than jeans . Still , if I could have a job where I was able to buy things ( whether I wore them myself or not ) and turn around and make money doing it . . . I would wear suits every day for the rest of my life . Yes , this is an especially long post , but I have a lot to say and that I want to share . So , bear with me , if you will . I finally have my writing muse back . So , after a whirlwind couple of weeks , we finally got everything moved out out of my in - laws house and all our stuff moved in . We still have some work to do around the house , but it was expected when we agreed to rent here , and I 'm looking forward to it . I love remodeling houses . I have to wait a little bit longer before I can grab the hammer and paint . That earthquake that hit OKC a few weeks ago ? We felt it here . And it knocked a crack in the foundation . Anyway , two weeks after we moved , we took a family trip to Austin to get my baby sister , Spike , married off to the most wonderful man ever ( next to DH , of course . ) I volunteered to decorate the cake if she could get someone there to bake and ice it . She found a sympathetic baker in town to help her out ( under a budget no less ! ) and I spent several days going to hobby shops looking for the perfect leaf - shaped cookie cutter and making home made fondant from marshmallows . Of course , nothing was prepared as early as we would have liked , and I spent more than 2 hours on Thursday night coloring , rolling , cutting , and preparing 100 little ivy leaves out of fondant . They were beautiful and tasty and I even managed to get them to the wedding in time and in one pieces ( well , 100 pieces , but you get my drift . ) The rest of my Thursday evening was spent dress shopping for the girls who were all part of the wedding party . Spike is the absolute coolest bride ever and was so conscious and gracious to think about everyone else and their budget and time constraints . All the Bridesmaids wore a green dress - whatever style or color they wanted , as long as it was green . Spike also bought the flower girls ' dresses for EG ( a sensible little frock from a local place ) and so I only had to buy a similarly colored dress for LH and TD . I had done the window shopping ahead of time , so all we had to do was go in , try on the right size and choose some shoes to match . This seriously was the easiest shopping trip I had ever taken all three girls on . I had a dress already that had been a gift from my mother , and it was the perfect color , style , and even didn 't look horrific on me . All was well . The trip down there was uneventful , and we made it to town in time for the rehearsal ( if not the dinner part ) and We checked into the hotel rooms before it was too terribly late . Of course , weddings mean fabulous hair , so Friday evening I got to spend quality time with my niece , Monster , straightening out her hair . This is ALWAYS the highlight of my day , because I LOVE playing with Monster 's beautiful , bouncy , curly , hair . Instead of a Bachelorette Party we all got some quality girly time while my other sister , Pookie , put another niece 's hair ( we call her Awesome ) in curlers . My three girls were all bouncy and excited about the wedding and totally wired - until three seconds after the lights went out . Traveling with older kids is SO much easier than when they were babies . Saturday morning , of course , was when everything took longer than it was supposed to , and everything seemed to be running late , and we thought for sure we wouldn 't get everything done in time , but of course it all came together at the last moment . I decorated the cake with the help of Pookie , and it came out beautifully , and was delicious . DH was asked to stand in for the Officiant , and he led the ceremony with every bit of class and poise as he always does . Spike was beautiful , radiant , and happy . The groom , Walrus , was sweet , and humble , and everything I wanted for my baby sister . Mom played a set of songs for the father / daughter dance , the mother / groom dance , and the first couples dance . WP cried , because that 's what he does . The grooms mother cried even more , because that 's what SHE does . The happy couple whispered and laughed , because that is what THEY do . After the wedding was over and the mess was cleaned up , we all ate a fabulous dinner at a local taco place and then we retired back to the hotel for some rest for the kiddos and the husbands while the sisters gathered in a separate room for some visiting with our mom . Actually , it was more than just the sisters . My only brother was there , too . He brought his new girlfriend along to the wedding to introduce her to the family and it was just so cool to see him happy and in love and giddy . I didn 't hang out with them as long as I wanted to , because I was just too tired , but we did get some awesome shots of the five of us kids together . We haven 't all been in the same place at the same time in at least 10 years , so this was a very special occasion . Sunday , we decided to show the kids around the Capital building , both because its really cool and we wanted to wear them out just a little before the long trip home . Mom and her husband D came along with us and it was really cool for the kids to get to know them and spend a little more alone time with them . We all met at a BBQ place for lunch , swung by Spike 's apartment for a few things and hit the road . It was very bittersweet for all of us . Spike and her Walrus are moving out of state in the next day or so . Right before the wedding , Walrus got a big promotion in another state , and since Spike works for the same company the got her a job too , and paid to move them up there . Instead of a honeymoon on an island , the get to move to Arizona . I 'm so happy for them to have great jobs and opportunities like this , but I am so very sad that they will be so far away . I 'm very thankful that we were able to all be together for a going away party , of sorts . Getting to see Mom and D , and WP , and all the sibs was really awesome , and it was really the last good thing that happened . Once we got on the road home , everything seemed to fall to pieces . Two hours into our trip home , we blew tire . Not just a little leak , either . A hole ripped in the sidewall more than six inches long . It must have been something in the road , because shortly after that , we saw four more cars pulled over within a few hundred yards of each other . Our luck was really mixed up for the rest of the night . We didn 't have a spare tire with us , which was bad . WP had left Spike 's house a few minutes after us , and so he was able to stop and help us within a few minutes , which was good . He had a spare tire - positive . It didn 't fit , and actually got stuck on and nearly ripped off the brake drums - negative . We were stopped outside a small town where my best friend lives , so she was able to direct us to the nearest 24 hour store . WP got me there just before the tire section closed , and they were able to mount the tire within 30 minutes . Then , my credit cards wouldn 't work , so I didn 't know how to pay for it . ( I remembered after that about how my bank is changing ownership and all the new bank info is still packed away in a box somewhere in the new house . ) The store took a check - and it cleared the electronic system ( thank goodness ! ) - so we took the tire back to DH and we were back on the road . Two hours later , we pulled up to the house with all of us looking forward to a snuggle from our doggie and good night 's sleep . Unfortunately , this is where the evening went from bad to tragic . We left our dog , RO alone this weekend . He had plenty of food and water , a doggie door to go out , and neighbors to look out for him . We 've done it before without issue , and we had no reason to think any different this time . DH was the first one to get to the front door . From the front seat , I saw him stare at the door , grab something from the note there , and start shaking his head in disbelief . All I could make out was , " Oh God , please no . " There , on the door , was an unsigned note from a neighbor . They had found RO in the road . He had been hit by a car . They went to pull him out of the road , but it was too late . He was already gone . Expired , he said . RO 's dog tags were taped to the letter so we would know there could be no mistake . We opened the door , praying it was a cruel prank , but there was no big , black dog there to greet . The house was eerily silent . DH walked in and got halfway across the room before falling to his knees in grief . He was crying as if his heart had truly been ripped from his chest . The girls gathered around me . They understood that something had happened to RO , but it was left to me to explain just exactly what . LH went hysterical and started screaming the dog 's name . TD broke down completely , crying for the loss of her fuzzy big brother . EG tried to hold it together , but it wasn 't long before she was consumed with grief as well . For a long time we all just sat there , huddled together , crying . Then the doorbell rang . I was confused at first , until I remembered that Mom and D left from Spike 's after us and were coming to stay with us for a few nights before going back home to Ohio . As soon as they came in , I told them what was wrong , and they immediately swooped in and helped . They snuggled up the girls and talked softly to them . D was encouraging one , while Mom held another . I was so stricken , myself , I couldn 't even think about what to do . Scott was more distraught than anyone . I let him go for a walk by himself while we all sat there in the living room , just crying and wondering what to do . It wasn 't long before I completely shut down . The roller coaster of the weekend and the shock of finding out about RO by a note on the door had just gotten too much . I sat down on the bed and the next thing I remember , I was waking up and it was three hours later . The kids were still sitting in the living room , but everyone had calmed down and the kids were getting ready for bed . We all decided that they could stay home from school the next day and we finally got them to bed and asleep . Mom and D went to bed on the fold out sofa - bed . I went to bed on my own . DH , however , stayed up . He decided to go through all our pictures and find all the ones of RO and put them together for a memorial slide show . He was up and down all night . By the time morning rolled around , he ended up calling in to work , as well . Normal things just don 't seem possible , yet . Since last night , we have come a long way in our grief . DH found where RO . was hit and was able to say his goodbyes in his own way . EG spent the entire day writing poetry about losing RO and putting each stanza in a Power point slide with pictures and transitions and everything . TD stayed snuggled up next to Mom or D . LH was on the computer all day and alternated between crying and being angry . This afternoon Pookie came by with her found kiddos , Little Man , Awesome , Good Luck , and Baby Face . Baby Face is only five months old , so all of us took every little chance we could to snuggle with the baby . Having so many people around might not be what I would have planned for something like this , but it really did help . The kids were able to be distracted and so were the adults . Mom and D were able to be sympathetic without actually grieving much themselves , since they never knew our doggie . Having kids and relatives around was good for everyone and I so very thankful for all of them . We are getting the kids ready for bed now , and tonight I hope they all sleep well . We have to get back to a regular routine tomorrow , even though no one wants to . Of course , a regular routine feels all wrong . All the little things we have to do now , just seem to drive the knife of grief deeper . We have to cancel the pet insurance plan we had . The doggie door that never really fit the sliding door will need to come out so we can close the door properly and not lose so much A / C out of it . The dog food dish is still full , sitting next to the refrigerator . RO 's pile of blankets that he used as a bed is still piled up next to the dining table . I 'll have to put those things away , but it just doesn 't feel right . I have never been through this , myself . We had pets growing up , but never for very long , and none of them were lost to this kind of tragedy . Over the last few years , I have witnessed several of my friends lose their beloved pets and I only knew a fraction of the pain they were in . We were just talking about how much we wanted to see RO on the way home , and how we should really get a new friend for him . Now , the thought of any other puppy around here just seems wrong . TD and EG are anxious to get a new pet soon . They are already talking about going to the shelter to rescue another dog and save him from " the pound . " It isn 't that they want to replace RO . They just love animals so much and our family doesn 't feel complete without a puppy . I don 't know how soon I can go through all of this again . Bringing another pet home , just knowing that someday we will have to say goodbye like this . . . I don 't know if I will EVER be ready to do it again . It is still early for bed around here but I 'm going to be heading there very shortly . every minute of quiet seems eerie without RO snoring or making noise under my feet . He was my little shadow . Everywhere I went , he was right behind me . As I moved from room to room , he would follow me , lie down , and grumble at me when I moved again . In the last few years , he was really beginning to show his age . He was nearly deaf and I believe he was losing his vision as well . I 'm sure whoever hit him never saw the big black dog crossing the street in the dark , and I know he never heard or saw them coming . I keep telling myself that it was a blessing not to have to watch him get older and sicker and begin to lose his senses . It feels wrong to find a blessing in any of this at all . I want to keep remembering that the whole reason we left this weekend was to see my little sister get married . It just reminds me of how guilty I feel . Somehow , we didn 't check the back yard well enough and RO found a hole to get through . Had we been more careful he wouldn 't have gotten out and he would never had been hit by a car . How crazy is it that I feel responsible because I would take him for walks around the neighborhood . He got used to going out every night , so when we weren 't home , he felt he needed to get out anyway . |
By " interesting " I mean surprising and awkward , like I was a little out of step with everybody the whole time . The first problem was actually kind of funny - - the others were all excited to eat turkey , but I just had turkey they other week and I kind of wasn 't in the mood for much more of it so soon . More seriously . . . I knew I 'd changed and they hadn 't , but I hadn 't really realized how much I 'd changed . And I really wasn 't prepared for what that would do to my family . It was the first time I 'd seen my aunts and uncles since I started school , and of course I haven 't seen my brother and sister - in - law very much , and they 'd all heard I 've started a new school so they were all curious about me . Somehow , the main topic of dinner conversation turned out to be me . I don 't like talking about myself at the best of times , but I especially don 't like it when nobody else really understands where I 'm coming from so all the questions are wrong . That I couldn 't actually completely answer any of the questions made the whole thing even worse . " No , I 'm not Catholic . I don 't think there 'd be anything wrong if I was , " I protested . My uncle is a really big , loud person . He kind of takes over a room . My voice seemed very small in contrast , but I couldn 't not say anything . Sarah is Catholic , after all . My uncle immediately agreed there was nothing wrong with Catholics . " It 's a liberal arts school . I have a concentration in environmental studies . We call it a seminary sometimes because we do a lot of work around service , how to use what we learn to serve the community . " Even the food caused problems . I 'd arranged to get a local free - range organic turkey , because I couldn 't stand to eat anything that had been mistreated . I remembered the deer I 'd killed , and I couldn 't forget that the only reason I 'd felt at all ok about that was that she 'd lived well while she was here . My parents agreed , though they did ask me to pay the difference in price . " It 's organic . Ever since he started that new school he 's gone all natural on us . " My Dad was smiling . He and my Mom have always been pretty into environmental things themselves , and they eat a lot of organic foods normally . He was teasing me . But my uncle gave me a look and my aunt , my other aunt , the one married to my other uncle , looked up in surprise . " Oh , do you mean it 's not really meat ? It 's made out of tofu or something ? " She hadn 't eaten the turkey , she had something wrong with her stomach this week , but she could see it . Her husband gave her a look and she blushed , I think she realized she said something dumb , but still . . . and even my Dad had missed the point . I didn 't really care that the turkey was organic as such , I cared about the whole package , how it was raised and who raised it and how much the farmers and processors were paid , and all of that , and I 'd gone with the bird I 'd bought because I could call up the grower and ask questions . And I 'd told my Dad that , all that intricacy , all that complexity , I 'd tried to teach him this new way to really think about food , to really act grateful for all the people and animals and plants that feed us , and he 'd reduced all of that to an idiosyncratic preference on my part for organic food . I didn 't used to think that everything my family said was dumb . I wasn 't one of those obnoxious teenagers you hear people complain about . I didn 't think I knew everything , and I never thought my parents were un - cool . I love my parents . I love my family , my uncles and aunts , even if I do find my one uncle a bit hard to take , he 's not a bad guy . But all of a sudden it really seems like we 're living on different planets . I can 't explain where I 'm coming from even if I want to , but I can see it hurts their feelings when I don 't try . Afterwards , after the uncles and aunts had left , I insisted on doing dishes . My sister helped me clean up while my Dad and brother and my brother 's wife watched the game . My Mom usually cleans up after holidays , but I shooed her away and so she poured herself a drink and put her feet up . " You should get used to it , Mom , " I told her . " You do dishes the rest of the year . It 's my turn . " Usually in my family cooking and cleaning is kind of women 's work , except for my Dad 's grilling and holiday meals . Nobody ever says so , and it 's not like my Dad never does dishes , but just normally it 's my Mom in the kitchen . And if somebody helps her it 's my sister , while my Dad and I watch TV or I do homework . Even my sister - in - law is getting into it . She helps my Mom in the kitchen sometimes , but my brother doesn 't . I 've never thought about any of this before , it 's just the way my family does things . I 'm not even sure it 's bad , but it kind of bugs me , and anyway , I 'm a janitor now - - cleaning has been my job for almost a year . It feels like my responsibility . I know my way around a kitchen sink and an apron . " We 're paying how much money to turn our son into a janitor ? " my Dad asked from the living room . He was joking , though . I know he 's proud of me . My Dad 's not the sort of guy who thinks a man shouldn 't help out around the house , and he 's happy I 'm finally helping out my mother . My siblings and I stayed up late after we were done cleaning , talking and drinking and having a great time . My sister - in - law is new , of course , but she seems like one of us . Nobody asked me any more questions and I felt like one of them . Today we ate leftovers and went on long walks and played video games . . . I had fun . In the evening , Kit came to get me . She came inside for a few minutes and chatted with my parents while I got my stuff together . It was strange to see her , this creature from my other life , in my parents ' living room , and of course I 'm still not used to seeing her dressed like an ordinary person , in jeans and a striped turtleneck and a black jacket with fake fur trim . Her red hair glowed like a halo . She took my bags outside and left me to say my goodbyes and to juggle bags and boxes of leftovers . " She 's your professor ? " my Mom asked . " What does she teach ? " The way she said it , she sounded catty and protective . My Dad , in a very different tone of voice , commented that Kit did look young enough to be a student . He asked how old she is . " She looks good for forty ! " he explained , and my mother gave him a dirty look . My parents aren 't usually like that . I made my farewells and left , red - faced . There was a red minivan parked in our driveway . I approached , and Kit waved from a back window and jumped out so I could get in . It wasn 't the vehicle she 'd dropped me off from , and when I got in it I saw why - - it was full of people . Allen was driving , his wife sat in the front passenger side , their three kids occupied the first bench seat and the back bench seat contained Kit , her husband , and me . " It 's not ours , " Allen explained , rather quickly . " We borrowed it from Lo 's mother for the week . " I guess they all spent the holiday together . " Did your mother say anything about me ? " Kit asked . My face must have shown my answer , because she giggled . Then she became more serious for a moment . " I don 't elicit reactions like that on purpose , " she explained , " but if someone projects something on me I will reflect it back to them . " Then she smiled again . " ' I 'm not bad , I 'm just drawn that way , ' " she quoted . It 's very cold today , with some wind , but no snow . Everything is grey and brown and silent outside , except the sky is blue and fleecy white . I 'm headed home tomorrow - - I 'll come back Friday night . There are so many people headed home that I can 't just borrow one of the school cars , so I 've gotten a ride with , of all people , Kit and her husband . I 'm not sure where they 're going , but it 's in my direction , so they 're taking me . was supposed to do an in - depth cleaning of the Great Hall - - dust the ledges , clean the ashes out of the stove , clean the little bathroom under the stairs , sweep the rugs , and dust - mop the floor . I 'm also supposed to clear the black water screen - - that 's not as gross as it sounds . It 's not actually gross at all . ( The way it works is that all the black water from the building 's toilets goes through a chamber in the basement divided by a micro - perforated barrier that catches the solid fraction of the waste . The liquid fraction then passes through a series of charcoal filters on its way out to the septic system . Once a day , someone has to close off the pipe , let the collected waste drain for an hour , then throw a pair of levers that open the screen and dumps the waste into a modified Clivus Multitrum composter . Then you reset the system and everyone can go back to using the Mansion toilets , if they want to . There 's a separate gray water system , so you can keep using the sinks and everything the whole time . It 's a pretty neat system . Other than clearing the screens and adding bark chips every day , the whole thing requires no maintenance at all . ) Anyway , I walked into the Mansion around ten , ready to work , and there was Greg , asleep on the couch . I don 't think he meant to be asleep there - - I 'd seen him reading there after breakfast , and he still had his book , lying there on his chest . His glasses were still on . I went over to look at him and his eyes were closed and his mouth was open . He looked almost unrecognizable , in comparison to his stern , waking self . I had the most intense desire to drop something into his open mouth , steal his glasses , or otherwise take advantage of the situation . I 'd never do that , but I 'm not sure the cat sitting on Greg 's chest believed me . He , the black and white cat , looked up at me with defiant , protective suspicion . The black and white cat . He 's not supposed to be in here . He 's not supposed to be upstairs in the masters ' quarters , either , but I know they 've given up and let him him come and go as he pleases now , but he 's not supposed to be down here . I mean , I like cats , I think we all do , but we could get a new student who 's allergic or something . I think that 's why we have the rule . So who let the cat in ? And how is he allowed to say here ? He 's allowed to stay because no one has evicted him , I suddenly realized . Was I going to evict the cat ? No , I wasn 't . Not with him looking at me like that . The anonymous " someone " who enforces rules and chances toilet paper roles suddenly became me . I sighed and sat down on the other couch . Looks like we have a cat . I wasn 't going to evict the cat and I wasn 't going to wake Greg up by moving around and cleaning , either , but I didn 't have anything to do in the afternoon , so I figured it could wait . I shut off the black water pipe , locked the Great Hall bathroom , and fetched my book . I 've learned that the way to get through my reading list is to never pass up an opportunity to read . I finished all three books in the Earthsea trilogy . Now I 'm reading " A Reason for Hope , " by Jane Goodall . I 'm almost done with it , actually . I 've heard of her , of course , but I 've never thought of her as especially spiritual - - she 's the chimpanzee woman . But I really see why Charlie put it on the list . I was reading about how after her second husband died she went back to the forest at Gombe , not to do research ( she has assistants for that , now ) , but just to feel better . Not just because the forest was peaceful and beautiful and familiar , but because , as she said , " death is not hidden - - or , only accidentally , by the fallen leaves . " Chimpanzees live and die and new ones are born and everything just sort of is , and somehow that helped her accept her husband 's death and restored her faith in God , gave her " the peace that passeth all understanding . " That 's so different from the ideas I was raised with , but it 's kind of like some of the things Greg says in his Dharma talks on Fridays . Except Goodall isn 't Buddhist ; she 's Christian . I expect she was raised Anglican , being British . I 'm not sure I understand it at all . . . I 've never heard about Charlie talk about this sort of thing , but somehow it seems like him . I 'm not the only person to think so - - there 's an inscription in the front of the book - - Who is Mary Anne ? A girlfriend ? I 've never heard of Charlie having a girlfriend . Would I ? I suppose I might not . But he lives on campus . How would he hide her ? And the book only came out last year , so this isn 't someone from long ago . But , thinking about it - - Charlie 's sister introduced herself as Maria when I met her at Litha , but when I asked her how she seemed so much more ethnically Italian than Charlie is she 'd laughed and said her ethnicity is " an act . " She learned to speak Italian in school , not from her parents . The culture is an interest of hers . The family really is Italian - American , and their last name sounds Italian , but like many immigrants , their parents did their best to assimilate . They named their second son Charlie , after all . That 's not exactly a traditional Italian name . Is it possible they actually named their daughter Mary ? I was looking out the window , thinking about this stuff , when movement caught my eye . Greg had shifted in her sleep . The book fell off his chest and hit the floor with a thump . The cat leaped free and hit the floor with no sound at all . Greg 's glasses had fallen askew on his face as he turned his face ti the side , towards the couch . I was afraid he 'd crush his glasses , but he didn 't wake . The cat paused in his escape and looked back at Greg , one paw in the air . He turned , returned , and stood for a moment , forepaws up on the couch , his black and white body all long and muscular , staring intently into the face of the sleeping man . After a moment he hopped back up on the couch and began to lick Greg 's face and hair , licking and licking , the way cats groom the heads of their friends . I forget if I 've mentioned it , but Charlie doesn 't just hunt deer and woodchucks . The last month or two he 's been bringing in a turkey every week or two . But the thing about a turkey is that one turkey won 't feed everybody on campus , not even with so many people gone for the winter . So the way we do it is a kind of lottery . Someone - - I think it 's some of the remaining Dining Hall people - - pluck and clean the bird and then someone from each of the dorms guesses a number between one and ten . Whoever gets closest wins the turkey . This week , we won the turkey . It looked different than I 'd expected , slimmer and sleeker , but of course I 'd never seen a wild turkey roasted before , only domestic ones . We roasted it - - it was very flavorful , but a bit chewy and dry . I 'm not sure we cooked it right . We served it with mashed potatoes and turnips and an apple and walnut stuffing . We would have offered the leftovers to people in the other dorms , but there wasn 't much left . It all evens out , anyway - - they 've won the lottery before . So , obviously I 'm thinking about Thanksgiving and the other holidays . I 'm going home for Thanksgiving , but I don 't think I 'll go home for Christmas . My brother and his wife are going on a cruise over the holidays , so it 's not like it would be a traditional Christmas anyway . I kind of want to know what Christmas is like , here , anyway . Note from Daniel - of - 2013 ; what a teeny - tiny post ! It 's true nothing much happened this week 13 years ago , but usually I can figure out something thematically related to tie in . The fact of the matter is that my wife had a minor surgical procedure done yesterday , and while she 's going to be perfectly fine , apparently worry has temporarily sucked up my mojo as a writer . That , and she 's totally hopped up on painkillers and she spent the day in her bathrobe watching a non - stop marathon of documentaries on JFK while I chase our daughter around the house and try to keep her from - - quite literally - - climbing up the drapes . We should be back in shape in time for Monday 's post . - D . K . " It 'll melt soon , " he concluded . " Actually , I walk barefoot in the snow at least once a year . I 'm always hoping someone will find the prints . " He grinned , impishly , for a moment , but something about him seemed awkward , like he was waiting for me to go away or something . somewhere if you have the key , " he said , holding up the key ring in his hand . I looked at the door . The woodshed - - it 's more like a walk - in wood - closet - - is sort of L - shaped , and one of the arms ends about where that door should be . And there is , indeed , a door there on the inside , but it 's blocked by a shelf , and at this time of year there 's stacked wood on the shelf and in front of it , six feet thick . There is no way anyone could get in from the outside even with a key . But what else could Charlie have been about to do , standing there at the door with his keys ? I looked up , four flights up , to the western corner of the masters ' floor , something like embarrassment at his indiscretion . But really , what else was I supposed to think he was doing , once I turned around and saw him there ? He must have assumed we 'd all be busy showering or something before breakfast , and , anyway , we don 't usually use that door . Usually we come and go by the Green Room or the Office . I told Rick , the other day , that I 've gotten a lot better at building fires lately . I mean , I knew how before , I 'd gone camping , but now that I live in a house heated by wood I 've gotten a lot better at it . I have a reason to be , I guess . It 's a practical thing , now . Rick does this sometimes - - decides this , that , or the other doesn 't count as ' real ' just because he doesn 't like it . I think he got it from Charlie . A physicist would agree that a grill has fire in it . But it 's true I 've never cooked over a camp fire , if you don 't count marshmallows , and I 'm pretty sure Rick would say those aren 't real food , so I didn 't even try . " So , what 's so different about cooking over a real fire ? " I asked . Obviously Rick wanted to tell me all about it , so I decided to let him go for it . I don 't think he was trying to be obnoxious - - he was trying not to be , like he didn 't want to seem to be showing off . But so much of what he does he does alone now , practicing for living on the land next year , and I suppose it gets kind of lonely . And of course Charlie is useless for compliments . So I let him talk . " Well , the thing about a real fire is if you don 't get it going , you don 't eat , " Rick explained . " No lighter fluid , no nice , pre - shaped briquets , no bottle of propane , just wood , and the behavior of wood , and if the wood is wet or it 's raining or something like that , what do you do ? You figure it out or you don 't eat . " I 've gone with Rick on his collecting expeditions a few times . He isn 't living off what he can gather now - - he still eats most of his meals with us - - but he 's storing up food for use later . His year of living on the land begins at Brigid ( " in February ? " I asked when I first heard about this . " Train hard , fight easy , " Rick replied . It 's one of his sayings . I think he got it from Karen ) , so he needs to have a winter food store on hand already . Most of what he gets is actually vegetable - - or mushrooms - - though he hunts as well . It amazes me how much he knows . But most of the time he forages and practices his survival skills alone . Most of the time when we go in the woods together we 're working on my education , not his . Charlie told us to work on tracking and also to get to know the area and all the trails . Rick decided he 'd really start teaching me tracking when it snows , because it 's easier that way , but he does point things out to me sometimes , like deer scrapes and the tiny territorial marks of squirrels . In the meantime we 're getting to know the woods , following this trail and that . If we have enough time we try to get lost and then find our way out again . I automatically name the trees as we go by , and I tell some of them to Rick - - he doesn 't know a lot of non - edible plants , so I get to be an expert , too , for once . I like that . So , maybe I 'm not completely doomed . I 've finished the first book on my list already and I 've started in on the second one , so I think , maybe , I can do this . Get all twenty books on my list done by mid - March . Charlie said I can choose the order that I read them in , and as far as I can tell the books are listed randomly , except that ones with the same author are next to each other . So I chose to read A Wizard of Earthsea first , because I 've heard of it before and it 's basically a kid 's book so I thought it would be easy - - I mean , it 's one of those " young adult " novels . It 's pretty short . I 'd heard of the book before , as I said - - a few people had said it was like an earlier version of Harry Potter , because part of the book takes place as a school for wizards , but really the mood of the book , and the way the author handles magic , is quite different . For one thing , this isn 't a book about children . I 'm not even sure it 's really a book for children , either - - it seems a lot subtler and deeper than that , though maybe I only think so because I 'm reading it for school . But reading it was a bit strange , because while it isn 't much like Harry Potter , it is quite a lot like this place . I don 't think that 's a coincidence . It was published in 1968 , so the early masters could have read it before they even started the school . We got the idea of doing the Long Dance on the summer solstice from this book , I know that . I also wonder if we call our faculty members " masters , " which is a weird term for a professor , because that 's what the teachers at the school in the book are called ? I also wonder how much this book has to do with Charlie specifically ? How much has this thing inspired him , or at least encouraged or confirmed in him something he already had ? The protagonist 's teacher ( who is not actually part of the school ) lives simply , spends a lot of time hiking and camping , can make things with his hands , like bows and walking staffs , and doesn 't always tell his student what he 's doing or why . At one point , after they 've been walking together in the woods for a couple of days without saying hardly anything to each other , the protagonist complains he hasn 't learned anything yet , so Ogion , the teacher , says " That 's because you haven 't learned what I 'm trying to teach . " Charlie underlined that part . He 's underlined a lot of things . Underlines , notes in the margins , exclamation points , question marks , in all different colored pencils and pens . . . it really surprised me . We used a lot of library books when I was a kid , so I was taught , it was really emphasized , NEVER to draw or write or mark in a book . I 've kept that up all my life . It 's almost like a desecration or something , to mark up a book . But Charlie marks his books ( I 've started the sequel , which is also on the list , and it 's marked up , too ) . I imagine he meant for me to read the markings , or at least doesn 't mind if I do , or he wouldn 't let me use his books - - he 's actually insisting that I use his books . But it 's strange to think he 's really ok with it , since on some level the markings are so personal . They 're what he was thinking when he read . . . . One note even mentions AA - - the climax of the book revolves around the protagonist saying his own name ( I won 't ruin it by explaining more ) and in the margin there Charlie wrote " AA introduction ? " And nearby , in a different color ink , " 4th step , maybe ? Or First ? " I stared at that note for a long time . It 's been nice reading weather - - calm and clear and wintery , but in a warm sort of way , if that makes sense . I mean , like how some winter days feel warm , even though the thermometer says otherwise . It hasn 't been that cold yet , though we had our first snow the other night - - big , pretty flakes fell for about half an hour and I stood on my balcony and watched . I don 't have a porch light , of course , but I have a flashlight , so I watched the flakes fly out of the darkness and through the beam like moths . But nothing stuck . Anyway , this reading thing isn 't going to be too bad . I 'll keep a book with me all the time , in case I have a spare moment , and when I can I 'll come out here to the porch at sit , wrapped up in my cloak , reading in the sunshine . It 's only been eight days since Samhain , but it feels a lot longer , I guess because I 'm getting used to the new schedule and everything . Now that we 're done shutting down Chapel Hall and the Dining Hall , I 'm back to working only my four hour shifts as a janitor , so you 'd think I 'd have a lot of free time . I don 't , not particularly . A few days before Samhain , he got me and and Rick together and gave us homework assignments . It seemed strange to me , at first that he only talked to us , since there are a lot more than just the two of us who work with Charlie . I think there might be ten or fifteen of us who work mostly with him , plus others who have him as master for something or other . But then , thinking about it , about half of them are graduating this year , so they wouldn 't have homework , and almost everyone else is working with him for horticulture , so they 'd get whatever instructions they needed from him through the groundskeeping team . So I guess it is just me and Rick . Plus our homework was related . So , we met together in the Great Hall over lunch , with Charlie sitting nonchalantly on the arm of a couch and Rich and I standing more or less at attention before him , awaiting orders . We always seem to do this when we talk to him together - - stand at attention . I don 't know why , we don 't act that way , either of us , I think , when we talk with Charlie one on one . Whatever the reason , and for all his barefooted casualness , Charlie seems to accept it as his due . " You , " he began , addressing Rick , " already have most of your homework . Just keep getting ready for Brigid . If you have any questions , you know where to find me . " He did ? I didn 't . But Charlie continued . " But I want you to work with Daniel . I want you both to get familiar with the woods , even the Land Conservancy places , learn all the trails so you don 't need a map . And I want you to teach him how to track , ok ? " " Yup . I 'll give you a reading list , and I 'll lend you books - - I want you to use my copies , not any others . I 'll put a box at the front desk . When you 're done with one book , return it to Sharon , along with some writing on it - - I want you to tell me what you think of the book - - maybe a page worth ? Single - spaced . Sharon will give you your next book . You tell Sharon what you want next , but one book ahead - - does that make sense ? You give her a book , she gives you a book , and you tell her what book you want after that , right ? " " The squares , you know , the , the plants in the squares . . . on the ground . " Articulate I am not , or at least not always . Charlie frowned at me for a moment and then his face cleared . " How good do I have to get at tracking ? I mean , by Brigid . Rick 's really good , I mean . " He smiled at me , almost - - fondly ? " Don 't worry . You don 't have to become an expert . Get as good as you get - - but I want you to be able to at least lead the tracking seminar in the spring , including the analysis and the afternoon presentation . In case I get a cold or something . Seems I 'm sick for two weeks every spring , anymore . " Well , I just got the reading list - - and it has twenty books on it . According to the note at the top , I have till Ostara to get it done , but I should try to get as many done by Brigid as I can , so I 'll have time to go to seminars and talks and such , if I want to . The thing is , that 's over a book a week , on average . And looking over this list , not all the books are short . I 've seen how Charlie reads . I 've seen him sitting on the porch in the sun on a Sunday morning with a new book and I see him a few hours later , same spot , doing the same thing , except he 's almost done the book . I 've seen his library . I 've heard how he quotes or paraphrases books , almost inexhaustibly . He has a book to refer to , from memory , for everything . I think he forgets not all of us can do that . They 've shut down the Dining Hall , though I think they still use the kitchens to process meat and so forth , but we eat in the Mansion now . That means that we take turns cooking and cleaning , more like a family than like eating in a cafeteria . We have no classes and no talks , seminars , or workshops , nothing scheduled at all , except for zazen , group therapy , and meals . Yesterday we shut down Chapel Hall - - and I mean we really shut it down , cleaned the whole thing from top to bottom , drained and winterized the plumbing system , and stabilized the composted in the basement . " We , " in this case , is the janitorial crew . Not having classes means we have more time to work . It 's like the whole campus is folding in on itself , compacting , for the winter . And we do take up less space . Half the students are gone already , and more are going , at least for a few weeks . Pretty much the only people left are the yearlings and some of the graduating students , and they have a series of events and trips and retreats planned , so we won 't see them much . This means the campus jobs - - what some of us do to earn our keep , in lieu of tuition - - all have to be reorganized . Everybody on the cleaning crew but me and Jahred have left , but since everybody on the food service crew stayed and mostly aren 't needed , most of them have switched over to cleaning , which itself has been merged with maintenance . We 're going to keep busy this winter repairing , replacing , and painting , all the things you can 't really do with people in the way . The farming crew has laid off some people and groundskeeping will lay off everybody when the first big snowfall comes . The whole campus seems quieter , emptier . Most of the leaves are down and the bare trees look dreary and skeletal . I 'll be glad when the snow comes and relieves the constant grey and brown . Most of the masters are gone . Greg is still here , both to lead zazen and because I don 't think he has any other place he needs or wants to be . Very little in this world is constant , but Greg seems to be . He even eats breakfast with us still - - the rule is that if you spend the night on campus or are hear during breakfast for some other reason , you have to go , but the rule doesn 't seem to apply to faculty and staff in the winter . Joy and Karen have both come on campus this week , because they teach classes open to outsiders and the classes are still going on , but neither came to breakfast . They seem distant . Sarah and her family have moved out , leaving students in charge of the farm . I know they like to take their kids to live with their grandparents for a couple of months , so they can get out of the strangeness and isolation of campus for a while . Sadie still lives here , but she spends most of her time in town as a guest chef for a restaurant there . She 's saving money to start her own restaurant , I 've heard . Allen still leads each therapy group once a month , but he 's rescheduled the meetings so he can do all four groups in the same week and not come in to campus otherwise . Charlie has vanished . He must be here , because I don 't think he could be anywhere else , but no one has seen him in days . to come to campus every few days in the winter just to hang out , and I 've seen her here once this week already . She 's the only one of the masters who has not turned her extracurricular activities over to students completely . I never went to her activities much , because so many of them revolve around music and I don 't play , but I 've been to her story - telling events a few times , and I just went again last night . The way these things go is she 'll announce a theme at breakfast and then that night all the stories have to be on that theme . They also can 't be completely original - - they have to be retellings of traditional stories from somewhere . And you 're not allowed to read the stories , though you can consult notes . You have to recite them , or , as Kit says , tell them . She says there is a way to remember the main points of a story and re - invent it as you go , so that you don 't have to memorize the whole thing and you can respond to the needs of your audience . Anyway , she tells the first story , and then other people tell their stories , and it goes on for maybe an hour . Then , most people leave and after they are gone Kit and whoever is left talk about the stories , analyzing their imagery and critiquing each others ' storytelling technique . I 've never told a story at one of those things , and I don 't go every time , but went I have gone I stay through to the end , mostly because I like to be around Kit when she talks . These things have an interesting effect on campus . For one thing , because of her storytelling gatherings , a lot of people tell a lot of stories at other times , too . They 're practicing , or trying to decide on which story to tell , or passing on a story to someone who missed a meeting . For another , we 've all gotten familiar with the myths of several different cultures , because we 're constantly hearing stories . And because everybody knows that everybody else has heard a lot of these stories , people refer to them in conversation , write about them in their homework , and so on . It 's like how some people talk about the Bible , and in fact some of the stories are Biblical , but we 're also getting the Greco - Roman myths , the Norse myths , the Mabinogion , the Arthurian cycle , the Brothers Grimm , and a smattering of things from Asia , Africa , the Americas , and Australia . I don 't know half as much as some people here do , but I know twice as much as I used to . For example , did you know that there are West African stories about a trickster rabbit ? They 're very funny , at least when they 're told right , and they reminded me of Brer Rabbit , which of course makes sense . But Kit pointed out that Bugs Bunny is a lot like Brer Rabbit , so it seems that Bugs Bunny is actually African - American . In brief , Psyche was a young woman who was so beautiful that men began to worship her instead of Aphrodite , so Aphrodite sent her son , Eros ( or Cupid ) to make sure that Psyche got safely married off as soon as possible . But then Eros accidentally pricked himself with one of his own arrows and fell in love with Psyche and so he arranged to marry her secretly . I 'm not sure why , but Psyche ends up living by herself in an enchanted castle where she has everything she could ever want except that her new husband is still a complete mystery to her . He only comes to visit her in the dark . Eventually , she goes home to visit her family and then her sisters convince her to find out who this guy is , because he might be a monster . So when he 's asleep she lights a lamp and he turns out to be beautiful . But a few drops of hot oil fall from the lamp and burn him and so he flies away , home to his mother . Then , to get him back Psyche has to do all of these things for Aphrodite , including going to the Land of the Dead to bring back some of Persephone 's beauty . She falls into an enchanted sleep and Eros rescues her and they get married and live happily ever after . In brief , a huge white bear comes to a poor family and asks to marry the youngest daughter in exchange for rescuing the family from poverty . With some reluctance , the girl agrees , and rides off on the white bear 's back . He takes her to live in an enchanted palace and at night , in the dark , he takes of his bear skin and becomes a man and lays with her . Eventually she goes home to visit and her mother convinces her to find out what her husband really looks like , since he might be a monster . So , when he 's asleep she lights a candle and he 's beautiful - - but she drops some wax on him by mistake and he wakes up and explains that if she had trusted him for a year she would have broken the spell that made him look like a beast by day , but as it is now he will have to go home to his mother who will make him marry an ugly troll . Then he and the castle vanish and the woman has to go through all sorts of adventures in order to find his mother 's castle , which is " east of the sun and west of the moon . " Eventually she does , but he is asleep and so she has to go through more adventures to wake him up . Eventually she does it , washes away the wax stains , and they marry and live happily ever after . In brief , a windowed merchant has three daughters . The two older two daughters are lazy and vain , but the youngest is humble , hardworking , and beautiful without trying . One day the merchant asks his daughters what they want from town and the two oldest ones want cosmetics or jewelry or something and the youngest wants only a feather of Finnist , the Bright - eyed Falcon . He gets the other gifts but not the feather , and this keeps happening a few times till he finally gets the feather . The daughter then uses the feather , in secret , to call " Finnist , my beloved bride - groom . " He appears as a beautiful man and stays with her till morning . Eventually , the other daughters find out and they fix knives to the window so Finnist can 't get in . He cuts himself , flying against the knives , and calls out a set of instructions his bride has to follow in order to find him . Then he flies away . She follows the instructions and has a lot of adventures and eventually finds him in the castle of a queen . But he 's under a sleeping spell , so she has to do various things to wake him up . Eventually she cries and her tears fall on the scars made by the knives and wake him up and he marries her instead of the queen and they live happily ever after . And yes , I could see the connection to East of the Sun , West of the Moon - - a lot of the details were actually identical . And I could see the connection to Cupid and Psyche , with the queen being another version of Aphrodite ( though weirdly recast as a competing fiancee ) . And this time I could see the connection to Beauty and the Beast . And for the first time , I told a story . I told about the merchant and his daughters , the youngest of whom wanted a strange gift - - only a rose . And I told about the girl who found herself unexpectedly married to a beast in a magic castle . And I told about how she went home to visit her family and her sisters convinced her to break her promise to the Beast and stay longer than she should have and so that when she returned to him he was dying . And she wept because she loved him and her tears fell upon his beastly body and broke the spell and turned him into a man again and they lived happily ever after . This blog depends on keeping track of a lot of characters and other information that is not reintroduced in each post . For concise introductions to any of the central faculty members , Charlie , Allen , Kit , Karen , Joy , or Greg , click here . For the other staff , Aaron , Chuck , Joe , Security Joe , Sarah , Malachi , Sadie , or Sharon , click here . For all other characters , click here or here . This blog is a work of fiction ; all characters , including the narrator , are fictional , as is the school itself ( so far ) . However , this is NOT a work of fantasy ; everything that happens in this story is , as far as I know , possible . Every book or other public work referenced will be real , and ideas presented as current within the scientific or religious communities really are current . The story begins early in the year of 2000 . The time setting may cause some confusion , because the narrator , Daniel , is writing about his past as though it were the present . The best analogy is those movies that open with someone telling a story and then most of the movie is that story , but the scenes set in the past are interspersed with scenes set in the storyteller 's present . In a similar way , the body of most entries each entry is written from the perspective of the teenager the narrator was thirteen years ago , but " interlude " posts and notes in italics is written from the perspective of the man Daniel is now . Some posts are illustrated . These are my paintings and drawings , though Daniel would say they are his . |
I was sitting opposite my oldest friend when he suggested it . We 'd been sitting there , around that small scratched oak table , for hours . I used to play cards there with my old man , gin rummy , poker , twenty - one . We used to gamble with change and he 'd always let me win just enough for whatever it was that I wanted that day . Gambling knowing you were going to win ; no finer a feeling as that . We used to play in the same light as it was now , dim enough that you could only see the outline of the face opposite you and no more than that . A face as if sketched by a stranger . Not allowing for the lines that creased your skin when you smiled or the slant of your eyes when they turned with worry . I felt a little like that with my friend now that I sat with him . We had been close , closer than brothers for the longest time . We knew each other 's shadows . But time had eroded us . The old jokes we told were the only ones we knew . There was a time when all we seemed to do was talk . We used to stream our conversations together with exactly no point at the centre and in that way we thought we could talk forever . But time , as I say , had eroded what we once had . Even with drink , the nearly empty bottle of whiskey that sat between us , had not brought us back into out old ways . I looked up and saw the face I 'd known all my life . Just a stranger I 'd known all my life . He tells me to get a haircut . He says his girlfriend , who is in the next room , consoling my sister , recommends people in our frame of mind do it all the time . I remember my friend and his girl before this happened . They used to fight like cats and dogs . They didn 't fight even . They exploded . They would pour like lava onto the streets , raining blows , screaming into each others eyes , cursing each other for all they were worth . Once I saw her scream into his chest as if she were making a final plea to his heart . Get a haircut he says , pouring two tall drinks into our glasses . It 'll be good for you , I hear him say . To change right now . In the next room I hear my sister sobbing . It breaks what my friend has to say clean in half . I walk the streets , heading towards the barbers I know in the area . I 'd been away for so long , before all this happened , that I only know the one . Hell , I don 't even know if it 's still standing . I wouldn 't be surprised if it was no longer there . An old fashioned barbers is a strange thing . A postcard of the past on modern streets . But in my heart I know it will still be round this corner . There will still be the red and white pole that sits on one corner ; there will still be the faded old blind that give the customers their privacy . That some of the blind will be at sharp angles and caught up with the next , offering a passerby a sneak inside . By the time I am actually faced with the place I don 't even think how strange it is that the snapshot in my mind is reproduced exactly in front of me now . As if I 'd projected it out in front of me on some blank screen . As I step through the door , the bell rings and I am faced with an empty sofa . This is strange . When I traveled here with my old man the sofa was brimmed full with customers . There was a point where standing and talking was the norm . I look up and see George , the old Italian barber , hard at work on a customer . I slip onto the sofa not sure whether he recognises me . I doubt he does . The first time I was in here I was as young as a starling and the last I time I set foot in here I was still hiding my face even as he cleared the hair from it . He looks up , he welcomes me to sit down and wait . I watch him as he works , talking when he feels the air needs to be filled , letting calm settle if he has to concentrate . Then the only sound is the constant nip of the steel scissors slicing air and the slight scuffing as he turns on his heels . I watch and listen and am so at peace with these sounds that I almost sleep there and then . Hell , if the vinyl of the sofa did not screech into life as I slipped across it I would have passed out . I come round . I look up . I do the barber 's trick of looking at the reflection of the people rather than the people themselves , to see if he has noticed me sleeping . But it goes on as it did before . I watch the man listen to the cost and then go through the procedure of receiving his change before dolling out his tip . There are thanks ; there are agreements to meet again . And then I find myself climbing into the chair and the cape being tied to my neck . He talks to me , as he does every other customer . He asks me what I 'd like . He listens , looking into the mirror all the while , trying to see if I am certain in my instructions . A barber is not a man who wants mistakes laid at his door . That cleared , he engages me on pleasantries . I sift through each of his words as carefully as he does mine . I am certain he does not remember me . But being unable to engage in small talk I just come right out and say who I am , and what our connections are . His eyes light up . He asks about my old man . I tell him . He says something in Italian . He says it to himself and then realises I am ignorant of what he says . ' He has gone to a better place , I think . ' I had not even thought about it in these terms . I had braced myself for the pleasantries . I was waiting for the automatic condolences . I look into the mirror and realise my eyes are swelling , trying to burn the wetness of the tears back into my skin . There is a second where we catch each other 's eye in the silence and we both look as if we have been accused . I am reaching down into my mind to try and speak when the bell rattles from what seems far away and a stranger comes to save us both . Except it is not a stranger . I recognise the man . As soon as he sits , he recognises me . He says my name , I say his . We used to work together . As he sits I notice his arm is still the same . One day the man was on a cherry picker winch . It hit a divot and he was swung full force into an iron pillar . He was pressed against it for some good few minutes as all hell broke loose . Radios roared . People ran across the dislocated fields to help him . Four ambulances rolled in quick succession . People began rumours before he 'd hit the ground . That his skin colour had changed three time whilst pinned against the metal ; that he had gone a shade of blue so deep it was as if he was black . That he was dead , paralysed . That he was not going to make the journey to the hospital . He became partly crippled but to the day does not remember a second of the incident . When I spoke to him about it , he shook his head as if it happened in a dream . I remember looking into his eyes as he spoke and seeing how haunted he looked . I think that 's what damaged him the most . Not being able to remember the pain . We talk of work as the barber begins his job in earnest . He reels off names and places as my head is pointed one way , prodded down , tilted so that my view of both men goes flying out for a moment to resurface seconds later . Then he tells me that Frank Zeadbetter had recently retired and I start thinking about what happened to Jimmy Zeadbetter , his nephew , all over again and I forget that the mirror is even in front of me , my mind screams so much . Jimmy Zedbetter worked on building sites with the rest of the gangs . He was related to someone on the gang and he was let on because of this . It was true that Jimmy was ' touched ' , as people would say . But he wasn 't stupid . He could work given simple instructions and some said he was the hardest worker because he didn 't have it in his head to work out ways to lie . He would sign his name in the signing in book in huge balloon capitals and draw two stars above and below it . He was always wedged between the signature of twin brothers whose names always seemed to have halos because of Jimmy 's drawings . And when he finished signing his name he always looked up to me and laughed and checked that I had seen what he had done and he 'd always make me smile , regardless of how many times I saw it . Just the simple act of making a signature bright and loud would swing my day sometimes , trapped in a small cabin for long hours and I could always rely on Jimmy for that . He would work . I would watch him on site , lugging brick in the barrows , sweat pouring off him as he did , his safety helmet always off at an angle where the strap was not fitted properly . He would work , following people 's instructions as if they were written at the end of his nose , dropping brick precisely where they pointed , stacking poles in exact measurements as he was told . When I saw him at the end of the day , putting the time by his starry signature , his face would be red from the sun . His wide eyes would be dulled , the blue dimmed , but he always smiled a tired smile and said goodbye as if he really meant it . But there was no denying that Jimmy was slow . He walked as if his feet were being pricked with lightning on the soles and his mouth shuddered opened sometimes when the mechanics of his brain worked out of synch with his bones . I would see him sometimes , stopped in his tracks by simple signs until he looked as if he would cry and I would call out to him what to do and his eyes would light up all over again . I would see him unraveling his lunch like it was tied with a thousand knots , his long forehead creased with a hundred lines as he set himself to the task at hand . He would shy away from noise as if the sound waves themselves had crawled inside of his ears , to the point where he would hunch as if being bombarded . His arms , when not weighed down with brick , would sometimes twist and knot ands sit on his face at strange angles , so he looked like a breathing scarecrow , cut free and set adrift . And the lads teased him . There were names and jokes and a lot of them would never use his name but just bark orders at him until he went away . Some others just felt plain uncomfortable being around him , his erratic , spider jerk movements , the uncomfortable , choking words he sometimes tried to slip inside conversations . And some men were just plain evil and couldn 't believe their luck at the chance to wreak havoc on a target that had no defenses . But the right people looked out for him , and in truth , I took him under my wing a little too . And one day , when the heat was too strong to work and Jimmy was left in the shade , the boss came in and told me a little about Jimmy outside the walls of work . The boss Frank , Jimmy 's uncle , who got Jimmy into the work , said that Jimmy lived with his two sisters . There was an aunt who oversaw the practical side of life , but at its heart it was Jimmy and his two sisters . One sister , Eve , was just like any other girl , not stung with any afflictions . But she had a cold heart . She was mindful of her siblings and made sure they ate and lived as much as a prisoner in a camp would , but she did not love them . The man went on record saying this ; ' She 'd bleed frost . ' She was blood in science but a warden in terms of a family . Then there was the other sister , Rose , who also was blighted with Jimmy 's problems . She was timid and weak and looked as if she could be led by the slightest shift in the breeze . She sowed . She made money sowing and helping out . She had a passion for flowers . She loved flowers . The man said that when she walked past a garden it was like looking into a gallery for her . She just couldn 't get enough of the petals , stems , colours , scents . She loved every particle attributed to the damn things . In her rooms lay a bed and a hundred books . Empty books ; with not a word printed in a single one but between each page lay a pressed flower , as brittle and as preserved as bones in a kingdom . If there was one thing she loved more than flowers it was Jimmy . The two were inseparable . They were simply in love with each other . They were in love because they knew maybe in their very hearts , that they would never find anyone else to love , but also because they were the same life split into two different shadows . Jimmy loved her back too . They said that Jimmy had a reckless heart . It was reckless because it was not shackled by the restraints other people have . There was no edge of consequence to suppress his feelings . There was no fear of retribution for showing his heart . Jimmy had been chased away from plenty of gardens in the neighbourhoods after he had climbed in and plucked the finest stem for his sister . He did this because she needed it and he could not bear for her to go without . They said that when Jimmy was rewarded with his bonus one Christmas he went to the florists and decked his sisters entire room in the finest flowers in the shop . Then there were the trees . On days when they could escape together the two of them headed off for the park . It was their kingdom . She was free to see and touch all her treasures from dried leaves to roses and Jimmy was given free reign to roam and exercise his boundless spirit . He would run the grasses , he would play the swings , he would watch families make their way through their day . But most of all he would climb the trees . He would do this for two reasons . He would do it because he was free . Once he had been caught looking at airplanes in his lunch every day for a week . In his own way , he was telling people that he loved the idea of being up in the sky . So being up there , where no one else could be , was his own little slice of heaven . But the second reason was for his sister . She would stand at the bottom of the trees , clutching her arms and fearing for Jimmy and the thought of him falling . She would hold herself until he finally made his way down , jumping the last few feet in triumph . It was only then that she would breathe and unfurl her arms and clap for Jimmy and what he 'd done . And every time he climbed a tree he came back down to earth with a fresh set of stories to be told . Of what he had seen when he was up there , of the people he had met . There were scenes played out on the faces of the leaves and the bark was built of a thousand tiny ladders . Some were shaped in the style of hands and if you spoke nicely to them the fingers rose and pushed his heels higher up . And when he reached the pinnacle of these scales the sky would be a blue that only the finest bluebell petals could ever be . She loved these stories . Her eyes would ignite with laughter whenever she found someone she knew at the top of these trees . Her face would lock in amazement when the branches would have her name written on the twigs and the stems way up high . He described the colours and how each one related to one of her precious flowers . It was then she would close her eyes and see them behind her lids for a second . And as her hands twitched and then locked together she could find the scent of these faraway stories on her face as sure as the sun was lingering on her cheek . Jimmy loved to indulge his sister . One day he did not turn up for work . The next day Frank would ask where he went to and stood slack jawed when he heard the explanation . Jimmy had been told a story in the café that morning of a town . This town had a problem like no other . The man who told this was the honest man out of the gang and whatever words he spoke , because he spoke so few , were the truth . He said that from out of nowhere this town was being overrun with peacocks . There were fifty if there were five , just marauding through the streets . There were no country houses nearby ; there were no sanctuaries or reservations that had accounted a lost party . They had just appeared , and they were protected . The Made men of the Mafia peacocks , the man said and smiled . By law you could not kill them and by law you could not capture them . They roamed free . If a back door was left unlocked then that was open season . The man finished his story to say that they birds lay thirty eggs it they settle and the damn town could be over - run within months . Well Jimmy was practically climbing off his seat when he heard this one . Nothing in his imagination could have been better sketched if he tried . He swallowed up all his breakfast in record time . He was normally the last , taking his time , careful not to spill anything and enjoying the taste of every morsel on his plate , but this day he was gone . He walked out before anyone could ask him what was happening and no one saw him until the following day . By all accounts he had raced back , grabbed his sister by the hand and the two of them had headed off in pursuit of this town . Jimmy bought the tickets and made sure of the stops and relied on goodwill and information to get him where they had to be . And he found it . He said the next day that the two of them spent their time surrounded by the marauding birds , some on top of cars , others wandering through the local bakery , three seen in the front garden of a house , in amongst the hydrangea bushes . They earmarked one and followed it through the afternoon before they had to get back on the bus . They moved through the streets , waiting for traffic . It pecked at the water in the fountain and ate scraps in the parks and the bins . The three of them found themselves in a church , each as scared as the other , the three of them having never been in a church . Jimmy said how the feathers looked as if the stained glass windows dripped onto its wings . Then they bird sat by the river and watched the waters ripple together . Jimmy 's sister said it was the best day ever and he had agreed . The boss shook his head , half in disbelief and half feeling good he could hear a story this good so early in the morning . Then Jimmy pulled out a peacock feather and said it was a present for missing work and he hoped it was okay and it never would happen again . So they spent their lives in this way . Jimmy working , his sister pressing her flowers and sowing , the other sister watching over them . Then things took a turn . Just because you born with problems doesn 't mean life 's going to stop from giving out more . There 's not a scale for this life . Jimmy didn 't turn up for work for three days on the spin . Questions were asked , no one could fake his signature . The banter and the cruel jokes , so loud , so often , were no longer there and the foreman knew enough about gangs to know that a quiet gang is a gang disrupted . He asked questions . Eventually someone was sent around to Jimmy 's , but the door was slammed in his face . A letter was written but none returned . A week later Jimmy returned to work . He wasn 't smiling . His eyes seemed dulled before the day had begun . His signature was muted and the stars seemed to be dying out at the corner of the pages . I asked how he was one day . He looked thunderstruck when I asked him . I worried I 'd upset him . Then I realised it was the simple fact that no one had ever asked him how he had felt before . Then his hands rose to the sides of his face as if to hide the hurt that sat on them and he told me in whispers how his aunt had grown ill . He said that she was deflated and couldn 't get out of bed anymore . That when his sister had said she should go outside and get filled with air to make her feel better , her older sister had hit her on the side of her head until she cried red tears . I looked up to Jimmy and saw that he was shaking . His face seemed to burn so red that flames were living just under the surface of his skin . His fingers drummed so hard against his face I felt sure they were going to leave bruises . I asked him if he needed any help . I 'd never really asked anyone that . Especially not a stranger . But there and then and in that moment I think I would have done anything to have helped him . And maybe I did , because as soon as I said those words it was like an antidote to what was causing the fever in him . His face settled , his hands didn 't stop twisting but they did slow down , as if the batteries in his mind were wearing down a little . He smiled . Not his normal smile but a smile that was halfway to real happiness . He looked at his name on the paper , and then he looked at me . Then he moved forward steadily , as if he was tracking something , an invisible swarm or something , and he very steadily drew his two stars on his name , as big and as bold as he 'd ever done . Then he looked up and said goodnight as strongly as he could . The stars were his gift to me . That when I said good morning and didn 't tease him and helped him with directions , it was a kindness he was not used to receiving . The stars were his way of saying thank you , as sure as buying me a drink or leaving a card at the end of a job . It was only then , the last time I ever saw Jimmy , that I realised that he considered me a friend . It was only after I stopped seeing him I realised how much I missed him in my life . That in making an effort and trying to be good , that he was a friend to me too . After that day , what turned out to be Jimmy 's last day , rumours spread , but nothing was ever confirmed . It soon came out in the obituaries that his elderly aunt had died from a stroke . Ugly words grew from their house then . There was whispers that the elder sister had cracked and was starting to spend time drinking , leaving Jimmy and Rose unattended . There was talk of violence . It was only a few months later that I heard the truth . And the truth made me wished I could 've believed in the rumours . The sister had become unstable and had sunk into drinking . It was said that with every drink she seemed to grow as afflicted as the other two in hard , bitter ways . She would scream in the quietest of places . She would lash out at the most harmless of things . It was as if she was as poisoned , as Jimmy was sedate . It was true about the men . She would sit at the bars and wait until a man would take her home . When she was finished with one , she would throw him to the street and go in search for another . She seemed hell - bent on driving herself off of this earth . She sought love in hateful places . But while she was acting this out , Jimmy and Rose were growing closer . They would only speak to each other . They would only communicate through Jimmy . If at the shops a passerby would say good morning , Rose would look to Jimmy to see if it was or not . Jimmy remained strong throughout all this . He took the money he had and bought flowers for his sister . He sought to wrap her up in petals and scents and keep the sour odour of drink and death from her skin . It was true that her skin had become pale . Not sickly though , but as if her skin was actually the colour of a petal . And this was all down to Jimmy and his love . They strove to carry on . Uncle Frank was with them on the night it happened . The four of them sat for dinner . It was barely cooked , the meat raw , the blood spreading along the dirty white plates . The uncle watched the three of them eat , the elder sister hurried , raggedly slicing , the noise of cutlery on the plate hard on their ears . Jimmy was , as always , enjoying each bite , regardless of the food . Rose waited for Jimmy and then lifted her hands , synchronized and a single beat slower . The sister seized upon this . She spat out words , the ends of which were laced with drink . She made accusations about Jimmy and Rose . Jimmy 's hands rose to his cheeks , Roses ' fell to her sides . The uncle put his foot down . He made her stop . He said nothing more . He asked Jimmy to walk him back to his house . Jimmy agreed and walked Rose to her room , even as the sister spat glances . The two men talked as they walked down the quiet road . Jimmy was a man by then ; he had the composure and dignity as good as any man the uncle had met . But the light had gone from Jimmy . The strong heart he maintained in his body had been worn down to its barest layer . The uncle thought he could hear it drumming weakly against the skin of his body where once it pounded . They said goodbye at the door , Jimmy refusing the offer of a drink , his eyes already wandering to his route back home . It was the last time the man saw Jimmy . The rest was pieced together from the police reports . When Jimmy returned , the older sister lay crying on the sofa . A scratch ran down her face . He made his way up the stairs to Roses ' door . It was open and the air was different somehow . It smelled of petals wilting , turning brown at the corners and perfume turning to a sickly scent . She was nowhere to be found . He left the house , not giving the fallen sister a second glance . He left her to sob in silence . He roamed the streets looking for his sister . He walked to their favourite gardens . He circled the florist 's windows ' countless times in case she returned . He knew by the fingerprints on the window that she had been there that night already and would not return a second time . Eventually he made his way to the park , even though he knew she would never risk going there on her own . He knew this because even though she loved the flowers and the trees , she was terrified of the shadows they cast . As he made his way over the rusted gates , he began to feel the same fear . The trees , so inviting in the daytime sunlight , took on open - mouthed , loose jawed faces . Hollowed out eyes gaped into the distance . Some of them looked as if they could swallow him whole . As he walked , he was unsettled by the soft mulch of the leaves underfoot , not crisp and brittle , like walking on a field of crisps , but instead like stepping on fallen little sparrows with crushed ribs . Then he saw the loose leaves gathered round a body like an oil slick . It was there she lay , at the foot of the tallest tree , fallen , lying hunched in a ball as if she been hit by a thousand stones . It was there Jimmy ran over , slipped on the leaves and fell lying next to his still little sister . They say that the argument must have reared again after the men walked out . All the hurtful things Eve said stung Rose as sure as nettles and hornets on her heart until she could stand no more . Choking on the taste of the sour liquor in the air she reached out for sister and hurt her . She swung her hand as she 'd seen the men do through the cracks in the doorway . Then she fled and went to the one place she knew only good stories were told : the trees . She reasoned the tallest tree would hold the finest stories and so she tried to climb its branches . Even as she feared the shadows and sounds and the hurtful wind in the sky that gathered round her , she remembered all the stories that Jimmy had told her and tried to find another for herself . But there were no hands to push her higher , only downward . There were no friends in the sky to hold onto her . And left alone , she fell . The ambulance pulled Jimmy away from his sister in the night . They say his screams echoed over the park and carried well into the morning . He was sedated and observed , but after he had screamed with his whole heart , he fell into a cold silence . He spoke to no one , he looked at no one . There was nothing left . The uncle said that his mind was still racing overtime , that his fingers raged when he thought no one was looking his way . That his eyes screwed up so tightly to stop the tears from falling , it looked as if someone had sown his sockets shut . He was discharged into his uncle 's care and sat for days , crouching like a bird on the end of the bed , looking cold and haunted and as close to everyday people as he 'd ever done in his life . Then on the third morning the old man walked up to the room and saw Jimmy had crawled into the bed . In the nighttime the uncle brought him tea but Jimmy not there . Instead he was faced with a countless number of petals hanging in the air , some shredded , some still in the air , others lain delicately on the bed . Some were arranged , others thrown in chaos . The pillow that Jimmy had clutched close to his chest the entire time , was stuffed to the brim with them . The old man looked out of the window and squinted at the sight of the siren flashing below . His heart tumbled as he watched it weave its way into the park . Not one tree was left standing . Every single one was either burnt to a crisp or chopped down . The park itself looked like Hell in broad sunlight . Cavities lay where once branches shimmered . Leaves were nothing more than ashes . The grass was razed into little more than discarded cigarette butts were . The police marveled at the strength it had taken for him to destroy every single piece of woodland . But it didn 't surprise anyone who took the time to know Jimmy . How the love in his heart was enough to rival any man 's . How when that heart was broken he wept fire . That a reckless heart knows no bounds in love or in it 's anger . Jimmy was never seen again after that night . Most assumed he died in the fire , or that he stumbled off to become one of the countless strangers who sleep rough and slip out of the world while everyone goes on with their life . No charges were pressed , Rose was buried in a modest grave , the older sister moved away . That was the end of the family ; an older sister with no home , a younger sister 's grave with no flowers and a brother who burnt his dreams to the ground . By the time the story is finished , the man shakes my hand and shrugs at Jimmy 's fate . The barber shakes my hand and I give him a note without looking for change . I leave the shop and these two people I hardly know and step out into what is now a sunny day . I think about Jimmy as I walk the streets . I have my own life and right now and it 's a bruised , damaged thing , but I hope it will get better . I think about my responsibilities and how I will have to change myself in the aftermath of what has happened . But mostly I think about Jimmy . I think about how he was a gentle soul who was cursed with bad luck . That he was a man who carried his heart each day as his biggest muscle . That he never hurt anyone even though his life was constant pain . I think about something my father wrote to my mother . Whenever they argued he would buy her a book and inscribe it the same every time . It would read ' for whenever I have hurt you , when all I want to do is make you smile ' and how time itself will never change that memory and how I keep it close . A simple act of bruised and restored love , like those flower petals that protected Rose and provided Jimmy with love and hope . I think of Jimmy , and I see him now , alive and repaired and making his own way through life , and I wish him all the best , with all my heart . And for the first time in a long while I smile , and feel the sunlight on my face . I think of these restless , ceaseless hearts and how they beat on regardless . Then I turn into the full beams of the sun and I head home . |
I am in a crisis and this is my journey . It is an unplanned journey . You see , there was an original trip planned , but plans change . This is the story of that new journey . Lily loves riding horses . She started riding when she was ten years old . I remember when she had her first really bad fall . The lady who was teaching her had said that her first hard fall would quickly show us if she was a true horse girl . She jumped right back on and took off again . Okay , she has the horse gene in her blood . It was decided ! She knew she could be hurt again and probably would be hurt again , but she wasn 't afraid to jump back in the saddle and trust again . I wish it were this easy to trust people and life again after you have been hurt . When you go through a divorce , trust dies a quick and sudden death . You are convinced that it will never live again . There are truly no words to explain it . Only those unfortunate ones who have traveled this path can understand it . You stood before God with the one that you loved and pledged to live your life out with him . " For better or worse , for richer or poorer , in sickness and health , until death do us part . " I meant that with all my heart . I knew that I would be married to Jason forever . He was my soulmate and my best friend . But now it was over , and how could I ever trust anyone again with that vow before God ? So the easiest way to protect myself is to build walls and not let anyone in . This way I don 't get hurt . Late in the summer the girls started encouraging me to get " back in the saddle . " I had a good friend who suggested on - line dating . She told me that it is a great way to ease back into dating . You can meet someone for dinner . If you don 't like him , you never see him again . You don 't have to worry about hurting his feelings or the feelings of the person who " set you up " with him . Lily was completely on board and thought it was great . Anna thought it was just weird . So I held off . Lily continued to push the envelope for a while longer , so finally I relented . I sat down with her and created an account . The deed was done . When I got home from school on Thursday , Lily checked the site . She had way too much fun with this . I was getting ready for dinner with a friend , and she was going through the e - mails and matches . She was cracking me up . The second e - mail was from a guy named David . Lily said , " I like this guy . " She called Anna back and got her in on the fun . Anna liked David too , and they both agreed I should reply to the e - mail . I am going to tell you , that must have been one of the hardest things I have done in a long time . Through sending this one e - mail , I was opening up the door to trust again . I was hopping back on the saddle , and I was absolutely terrified of getting hurt again . We typed the e - mail . It was a family affair . I could not send it . I absolutely could not bring myself to do it . I just sat there and looked at the e - mail . The next thing I knew , Lily reached over and hit send . It was done . I felt ridiculous for being so anxious . I mean , come on , it would probably be one date , and I would never see him again . We e - mailed back and forth for a few days . I have to say that he had an unfair advantage , because he was able to read my blog . He was and continues to be such a gentleman . He would not even ask me on a date until I said that I was ready to see him . I do not know how it happened , but through exchanging the e - mails and texts , something that I thought was completely dead within me began to come back to life . I am not naive , and I understand that a part of this is the excitement of a new relationship . But even so , there still is something there that I cannot explain . I finally said that I would like to see him . We had our first date on Friday , October 8 . He stressed that he felt like he was under a great deal of pressure here , because this date could show up as the subject of a future blog ! Well , I have to say that it was the perfect first date . We went out to dinner and then went geocaching . This was a new experience for me . Geocaching is a high - tech treasure hunting game played throughout the world by adventure seekers equipped with GPS devices . The basic idea is to locate hidden containers , called geocaches , outdoors and then share your experiences online . It was great because it gave us something " to do " rather than sitting at Starbucks having awkward conversation . It was also better than sitting in a movie , because we actually could have conversation while searching for the treasures . It was a great evening . One of the things that touched me the most was the way that he looked at me . When he looked at me , he didn 't look away . It is as if he were staring right down to my very soul . It was as if he saw every pain I have ever felt and knew every tear that I have ever cried . He traveled a very similar Unplanned Journey several years ago , and he does know the pain , and he knows it well . There he sat , looking at me , as if to say , " I will make it better . " Somehow , things started to come alive again . I had feelings that I have not felt in a long time , if I have ever felt them . Amazingly , I began to feel alive again . The funniest thing to me was when he met the girls and two of my " other " children , Ross and Robyn , for the first time . This funny , outgoing and witty guy was suddenly nervous and shy ! I asked him what is harder , being a teenage guy and meeting a girl 's dad or being a grown man and meeting a woman 's teenage girls . He relaxed quite a bit last week when we had a geocaching competition with the kids . Ross put the competition together . They called it the " Old Ones " versus the " Young Ones . " Guess what ? The old ones rocked the competition . There were seven caches . We found all seven and they found two ! ( Okay , I should say , David found all seven . I was just moral support ! ) The best thing of the night was that we all had fun . I never thought back in the spring that I would ever again be enjoying life like this again . What am I to do with all of this ? I honestly don 't know . Truthfully , it frightens me . It is all so fast . Is it rebound ? Is it that I am feeling cherished and appreciated after months of feeling rejected and unworthy ? I just do not know . What I do know , for now , is that when I am around him , I feel good . I feel happy . I feel special , and I feel beautiful . So for now , I choose just to put it in God 's hands and go with it . I have my idea of how future relationships should come to be . In my mind , they would happen over time , after the girls have moved on with lives of their own . But who am I to know the future ? That is all God 's business and His timing . Regardless of how anything turns out , there is one thing I know . I really like this very special guy . I like him a lot . I hope to spend much more time with him . One thing I can say is that he has invaded my thoughts and taken over the places of sadness that once existed . I find myself thinking about him , and then I realize that I am smiling . This is so much more pleasant than in times past when I would be deep in thought and come to and find myself crying . I don 't know where this is going . But for now , I choose to cherish and enjoy every moment of it ! I know as many of my close friends and family are reading this , they are preparing advice for me ! " Be careful . " " Don 't rush . " Let me say that I know all of those things . I do ! I get up every day and put this relationship in God 's hands . The best thing of all about David is that he is a man of great faith . He loves God deeply and passionately . He also seeks God on a daily basis concerning the future of this relationship . With God at the center for both of us , I may be afraid , but I feel safe . So I am going to grab the reins and go for the ride of my life ! Early on in my journey , my dear friend , Kristy Stephens , gave me a Bible verse . It is her " life verse , " and she wanted to share it with me . I don 't think there is a more fitting verse to end this blog with ! " I have read a lot of what you have written and even tried to respond silently , but that didn 't work . What I want from you for both me and you is to just hear / read just one word of anger . I could quit being so " ocd " with my prayers for you . " Seriously , just a hint of something about the unnecessariness of it all . Maybe just a little righteous indignation ? Hmmm . I have a special friend , and every time he is mulling something over , he always starts out with " Hmmm . " This topic is definitely one to be mulled over . I have been doing that a lot since I got the e - mail . Am I angry ? I have asked myself that and prayed about it and believe the answer to be " No . " Allow me to clarify . Have I had moments or even days of anger ? Absolutely ! I would be lying through my teeth if I tried to say that . My family is torn apart . I have known heartache on a level that I never knew existed . My girls have had to adapt to a " new normal " in life that they never saw coming . Anna " liked " a group on Facebook recently that was titled , " My life has changed so much this year . " Was this all unnecessary ? Absolutely ! Is it enough to fill someone with the toxic poison of bitterness ? You bet . I have felt the temporary satisfaction as the poison of that bitterness flowed through my veins . But here was the turning point . I hated the way that the anger made me feel more than I enjoyed the satisfaction of carrying that anger around . Here is what I have found . Initially , the toxic poison of bitterness feels good as it flows throughout us . After all , it is justified anger . Don 't we deserve to wallow in it for just a while ? Here is the trick of the enemy that we have to recognize . He wants us to feed off that anger . As the matter of fact , he treats us to the cheapest " All You Can Eat " buffet of bitterness . He doesn 't charge us a dime for the meal , and the table is always overflowing with endless supply . In time , it will consume us . We start feeling anger not only toward the person who wronged us , but toward others in our lives . We start lashing out at innocent victims because the anger has become a part of who we are . It becomes the way that we communicate with people . The toxin takes over and destroys us bit by bit . This , my friends , is a terrible place to be . As Christians , God wants to fill us with His presence . His presences brings peace . Let me clarify one thing . It does not happen overnight . It takes time , much prayer and encouragement from others in the faith . In the onset , it is a choice . You choose to forgive , even when you don 't feel like it . When your mind begins to wander to the contempt that you feel , One of my favorite verses is found at the end of Genesis . It is the end of the story of Joseph when he is reunited with his brothers , the same brothers that sold him into slavery . He said to them , " What you intended for harm , God has used for good . " It is my prayer that this could be said of my life ! This was a comment left on my blog , " A Very Dark Place " by one of my students . She is traveling an Unplanned Journey as well . I asked her permission to share it as a blog . There is much wisdom in the heart of this 17 year old girl that could help many people . " This really touched my heart and made me cry . I can relate to this dark place , and I know how it feels to just want to crawl in a hole and not want to come out . I know you have heard about everything that has happened with my dad , and I never ever in a million years thought that it would happen to me and my family . We were the perfect family , always taking family trips and never ever going a day without telling each other that we loved each other . Every night me and my sister would kiss him good night . I never thought the morning of Saturday , oct 24th that would be the last time I would kiss his cheek . He and my mom were together for 27 years . He was her one and only love and they had been together since she was 13 years old . I watch her everyday and it really does hurt me so much worse because I hate to see her so hurt and lost without him . My sister and I try and get her out of the house , but sometimes she just want budge . I watch her cry herself to sleep every night and I beg God for him back . I sleep with her since dad has gotten killed and there are nights she wakes me up thinking I am dad . It hurts to see all my other friends with dads and know this is my senior year and he 's not here for any of it . But I do believe with every piece of my heart that he is with my God and he is in a much better place and he looks down on me , shanda and mom and protects us . Even though he is not here , I can still feel him and I can still feel his presence . I know he is with me . Every time I get in my car and every night when I close my eyes , I say a prayer . I know how the dark place is and I know its no fun and I know how it feels to just want to lay in bed for the rest of your life . I am a lot better than I used to be because I kept telling myselfLife is hard . I am so sorry that this precious girl is traveling this Unplanned Journey . But I am so proud of her and the inspiration that she is to me and so many others . I love you , sweet Cindel . I wake up to the smell of bacon frying . I walk into the kitchen to see the most beautiful view of Lake Jordan . I have stayed up way too late visiting with friends . Maybe we were sitting around that familiar dining room table playing a game , or maybe we were just lounging on the comfortable sectional sofa . Whatever it was , it felt easy and it felt good . With keeping such late hours , I could probably sleep in a little longer , but I just can 't resist sitting on the barstool and talking with Anita as she fries the bacon . This is the Barretts ' home , and my heart calls it home . I wake up to the sound of a crazy bird fighting with itself in the glass window . Here , I can sleep in later than normal . I am not sure why , but my biological alarm clock doesn 't go off when I am here . I finally wake up around 8 : 00 , which is late for me . I walk to the house next door . Charles made a fresh pot of coffee before going to work . I pour a cup and curl up on the couch as Mary Charles and I enjoy the morning on the lake . I catch her up on my life , and she catches me up on hers . I hear about all the tales and adventures of her life with her children and grandchildren . I always tell her that when I grow up , I want to be her ! Charles puts in a long day at work and makes it home around noon ! Later in the afternoon , we may go out for a boat ride . We usually then cram around their kitchen table for a wonderful meal . There are lots of other places to eat , but it just feels better to squeeze tight and all eat together . I watch Anna and Charles fight over the fried okra . I laugh . I feel good . This is the Agertons ' home , and my heart calls it home . Speaking of fried okra , in the summertime when the days are long , Bobbie will often call and say , " Ya 'll come over , and I 'll fry up some okra . " I walk in her house without knocking . She is that kind of friend . Ellie , her dachshund comes running up . I always bend down and hold her away from me for a few seconds because she usually tinkles from the excitement of a visitor ! After cleaning up behind her , I pick her up . She just nuzzles my neck and tries to get as close to me as she can . The table in the family room always has some kind of really cool arts and crafts project that Bobbie is right in the midst of . I hear Bobbie yell , " Ya 'll come on in . " Jessie is either working on the project or on the computer . I usually start cleaning up the kitchen as Bobbie cooks . She cooks . I clean . We have this thing figured out ! ( We have decided that the days when everybody lived with Grandma might not have been such bad days . ) In a while , Steve will come strolling in from his golf or fishing outing . He and Anna will banter back and forth about one thing or another . ( She told him one time that her died blonde streak in her black hair was a birthmark . He believed it for weeks ! ) There is not much okra left when we finally sit down to eat . We have all walked by and grazed while Bobbie was cooking it , and there are only a few pieces left now . Everyone watches each other like a hawk to make sure they are not getting more than their rightful share of the small amount left ! This is the Macks ' home , and my heart calls it home . In the afternoons when I just feel stressed and want to get away for a little while , I walk down to the neighbor 's house . Pig , the dog , greets me at the door . He loves to greet company . I walk on in , and David usually meets me first . " Hey there , darlin . Come on in . " JoJo is busy running around doing something . She never sits . " What can I get you to drink ? " Do not plan on going to JoJo 's house without having something to eat and drink ! We sit around and chat about life and what is going on . We have such a great neighborhood . JoJo knows everyone , and she keeps us all up to date if there is something we need to know about one of the neighbors . Her son and daughter - in - law usually come in for dinner . They may even bring their dogs , and sometimes I will have LuLu . So this means there are four dogs running around the house : two big ones and two small ones . The small ones cause much more of a ruckus than the big ones ! This is the Turnages ' home , and my heart calls it home . It is 7 : 15 on a weekday morning . I unlock the door to my classroom and go inside . I plan on getting some things done , but it usually doesn 't happen . The majority of the time , there are three or four students gathered around my desk . I am hearing about the latest funny outing , last night 's fight with a boyfriend , or sometimes it is earth shattering news that will forever change the students ' lives . These are good moments of being able to listen to and mentor these young lives as they face the ups and downs that life brings them . This is Central , and my heart calls it home . Here is one for my girls . They are sitting on a familiar campsite . Ross is harassing Anna . She is getting so mad . Robyn is over there giggling at them , and Lily is ignoring them . They have their beds in the camper picked out . As the matter of fact , when the new camper was purchased , they went over first thing to lay claim to their spots . Ross has his Taj Mahal of tents set up . There are three rooms in the tent . Two are for sleeping , and the big one in the middle is for entertaining . The tent is air conditioned . Don 't ask questions ; you just have to know Ross to understand . The middle room is decked out with a television , a wii , and a dvd player . There is a continuous " Just Dance " competition going on in the tent . Mrs . Leigh brought lots of home baked goodies that are quickly disappearing as everyone sits around the campfire . This is the Shirers ' camper , and my girls ' hearts call it home . And then there is Echo . I am the baby of the family . When I go back , it is easy to slip back into that mode . I can walk into the home that I grew up in and say , " I 'm starving . " At that moment , I am not a forty - two - year - old with two children , a job , and all the responsibilities of life . I am my mother 's child , and she is going to take care of me . " What can I fix you , babe ? " Several of the nieces and nephews will be in and out throughout my trip . I love being their aunt . We will all go and sit around my sister 's pool as we watch the kids play . They are getting so big . Some are already adults . These days are slipping away from us all too quickly . So , for now , I relish these moments with my siblings as we watch the children enjoying the last few years of childhood . This is where I grew up , and my heart calls it home . When I started this Unplanned Journey , something changed about the house that I live in . I love this house . It is so much fun to entertain here , and it has brought us much joy through the three short years that we have lived here . But when our family changed , something changed about my feelings for this house . It is hard to explain . What I have come to realize over time is that it is just a house . According to the Urban Dictionary , the saying " Home is where the heart is " is something that you say which means that your true home is with the person or in the place that one loves most . There you have it . Home for me is being with my friends who love me and have cared for me throughout this journey . I have named a few of the places , but this list is certainly not exhaustive . There are so many people who have made their family home for us . I thank God for each and every one of them . They have made the path of the journey so much easier to travel . I don 't think we could have made it without them . My friend , Blair , sang in church this morning . It was beautiful and inspiring . I do not think there was a person in the service who was not moved to worship through her voice . It was the first time she had sung in church in eleven years . Blair 's son attended our preschool . The church had a workday to complete some projects on the playground . Blair and I just so happened to end up working beside each other . I say " just so happened , " but I believe it was a divine appointment . She and I struck up a casual friendship that day . We would always stop and chat at church , and we went out to lunch . Because of our busy lives , we didn 't get to spend a lot of time together , but we always enjoyed the time we did have . She knew nothing of my journey until March when she received the letter in the mail saying that Jason and I were divorcing . Blair called me the next week . She simply said , " I want to be there for you . " Remember , we were not really that close because we had not been able to spend the time we needed to build that relationship . I also had another casual friend , Cindy , who called within one day of Blair 's call with the same offer . I am so thankful for these two and for all of my other friends who have helped me through the journey . So many times we see people suffering , and we think , " I would like to help , but I don 't really know them , and I am just not sure what to do . " Both of these wonderful ladies said , " I don 't know what to say . I don 't know what to do . But I want to be there for whatever you need . " Let me encourage anyone reading this . If you know someone who is struggling , just offer to be there for that person . I had dinner with Blair . We laughed , and we cried . It was a good visit . Blair told me that in the past she had sung solos . She said that she had felt God nudging her to start singing again . She went home and later that week heard the song , " His Hands , " by J . J . Heller . Please allow me to share some of the lyrics with you . Blair told me that she started singing that song in the bathroom every morning . She said she would always sing it for me as she prayed for me to have the strength I needed to make this journey . This summer she sang it for us at a Bible study . That is what led to her singing in church . Everyone 's immediate comment was , " Where has she been all this time ? " God has definitely blessed her with a beautiful voice and a tender heart and spirit for sharing in song . I cried when Blair sang last Sunday . This time , I cried happy tears . Especially when I heard the last verse . . . One day you will set all things right ! As I sat there listening , I had another thought . " The enemy may have won a battle in my life . But God is NOT going to let it be in vain . " He is not sitting up there thinking to Himself , " Well , I am sorry that happened . That is just too bad . " He is working through this terrible situation to bring about good things . Most of us know Romans 8 : 28 by heart . " All things work together for good , to them that love the Lord . " I love how the Message paraphrases it : " That 's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good . " God placed that song on Blair 's heart to sing for me because of my journey . As a result of that , a talent that had been in hiding for eleven years came out today . I am certainly not the only person in that congregation on an Unplanned Journey . I know for a fact that there are others there facing far more difficult things than I have had to face . I wasn 't the only person who needed to hear that song . Others needed it as well , and today they received that wonderful blessing from God . I will never believe that my journey was God 's will . However , I will always believe that He is able to use it to bring about wonderful new things . I hope to have a video of her singing this song posted soon . Please check back for it . You will be blessed ! I love teaching . I would not do anything else in the world . I often say , " What other job in the world can you do that will make you laugh at least once every day ? " I have this one precious girl . She was new last year . She is vibrant and full of life . One day she came bouncing in to class . " Ms . Adams , I met a boy named Tree Stand . " Nothing surprises me these days . She then said , " Yeah , his parents named him that because he was consumed in a tree stand . " I just started laughing and replied , " Darlin ' , don 't you mean conceived ? " She has been really frustrated with Algebra 2 lately . She says that it just isn 't sinking in . I wish that it would come easy for her ; truly , I do . I constantly get asked the question , " When are we ever going to use this stuff in life ? " I am always honest with them and tell them that most people are not going to use it . But does that mean it is useless ? Of course not . I have a speech that I regularly give to my students when I get asked this question . Some who are in their third year with me know the speech by heart . I tell them honestly that they probably will never use matrices to solve systems of equations . People do use them in their jobs , but those very special people are few and far between ! However , this does not mean that it is useless to them . In the " real world " , employers want people working for them who are problem solvers . They are learning to be problem solvers . They are learning that when something comes along that is too hard , they don 't just quit . They plug on through and find the solution . I also think this concept can be taken a step further in teaching life skills . I care deeply for my students . I wish that algebra came easier for my sweet student that I mentioned earlier . I hate that she gets so frustrated . Last week she had a status on Facebook that said , " I am sitting here stuck on a problem in math , i thought i understood it . Ughhhh stressssing ! ! ! ! " How many times does that happen to us in life ? We think we have our lives all figured out . Then something comes along , and there we sit stuck , confused , and stressed . Well , she finally figured the problem out and made a pretty decent grade on her test . Maybe this is the greatest lesson that algebra teaches us . Life is going to have difficult moments for my dear student . She will have struggles , pain , and disappointments . But when those moments come along , maybe she can think back to algebra and remember that sometimes , she just has to keep going , even when she doesn 't understand . Maybe she will remember that even though she sat there bewildered and confused as she was struggling through her homework , with hard work and help from her favorite math teacher , she eventually worked through the problem and got to the solution . That is what I want her to do with life : face it head on and not quit when problems come ! Lisa makes me laugh . I cannot be around her two minutes without cracking up about something . The other day she was going on about someone with whom she wants to set me up . She showed me a picture and said , " AND . . . he 's a really good kisser . " She has never dated this guy . I asked her how in the world she knew , and she said , " I can tell by looking at his lips . " I never knew that one could be a kiss connoisseur simply by looking at someone 's lips , but this is Lisa about whom I am talking . Everyone who travels the journey of divorce will at some point come to the crossroad of relationships . I have avoided this road at all cost . It is me and my girls , and we are just fine . When I embarked upon this journey , I said I would never be in a relationship again . I was still in love with Jason . To think of being with someone else would have been betraying him , even though we were no longer together and were soon to be divorced . I don 't know how it has happened , but with time the love has changed . I will always love him as the father of my children , but it is different . I can 't explain it , and only those who have traveled this journey can understand this . Once I reached this point , I still did not have any desire to be in a relationship . There is one sure way to never be hurt again , and that is to never allow a relationship to develop . I am happy with who I am , so why should I open up myself up to be hurt again ? The two greatest reasons that I would not even discuss a relationship are my girls . They are my heart and soul . Unfortunately , they have been thrust on their own unplanned journey . I am so proud of how they have handled their journey . They have been strong and resilient , and their faith has not wavered , but it has not been easy for them . My life now is about them . The other day someone asked me what I do for fun on the weekends . My daughter piped up , " She caters to her daughters ' every whim . " I have enjoyed them so much . They bring laughter and life to most any situation . I am blessed to have them . Having said that , I would not want to bring someone into the picture that would complicate this in any way . It is that simple . I have been given advice from so many people about relationships . The funny thing is when two people , both of whom I trust , tell me completely conflicting things . So once again it comes back to this . Everyone 's journey is different , and what is right for one person is not right for another . Two things have happened that have made me stop and rethink my strong stance on relationships . Last spring I traveled to a workshop in Orlando with a new friend . We got to know each other really well . When you spend twenty hours in the car with someone , you can 't help but get to know that person . At the end of the trip , she told me that she wanted to tell me something before we went our separate ways , and she hoped I would not be upset with her . Her mother had gone through a similar divorce , and she told me that her mom never remarried . Actually , she never even went out on a date . She said that through the way her mom handled her journey , she taught her two things . First of all , she taught her that she could handle life on her own , and there was nothing she couldn 't do . This was the great lesson because it made my friend become a strong , independent woman . I will never forget what she said next . " Subconsciously , my mom taught me that there are no good men out there . " She was not telling me that I should jump into a romantic relationship . She was in full agreement that such a move would not be healthy . She was just suggesting that maybe dinner with someone wouldn 't be a bad idea . I listened but was not really ready to hear . That was too early in the journey . But as time has gone by , I have begun to " hear " her words and what she was saying . The second incident that made me think happened in the car with the girls . We were having a great time laughing and talking about different things . Even with them , the relationship discussion comes up . They were asking me about how I felt about that topic . I told them that I was completely fulfilled being their mother and that I just wanted to spend time enjoying them . That was enough for me . They got really quiet . I asked if something were wrong . One of them said , " Mom , I am glad that you feel that way about us . But one day we will be gone , and I just don 't want you to be alone . " We were all quiet for a moment , and then I assured them that I don 't worry about being lonely . God has a plan for my life . I don 't know what it is , but I know it will be good . As time has passed , I have processed those two incidents a little more . Maybe I am finally getting to the point of being a little more open to the whole concept . But here is the catch . The two priorities in my life are Lily and Anna . They come first . It is that simple . I will not even consider dinner with someone who cannot understand and appreciate that . They are the most innocent victims of this journey , and I have no intentions of doing anything to complicate things further for them . I have listened . I have prayed , and I have placed this matter in God 's hands . I am happy , complete , and fulfilled . But if there is someone out there that God has to be a good friend , I am open . And if there is someone out there that God has for me to get to know on a deeper level , I am open . Finally , down the road , if there is someone that God has for me to grow old with , I am also open . It is up to Him . I am not going to worry about it because when He brings His plan to fruition , it will feel right , and I will be at peace . This is God 's Word on the subject : " As soon as Babylon 's seventy years are up and not a day before , I 'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home . I know what I 'm doing . I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you , not abandon you , plans to give you the future you hope for . Posted by |
Do I hear you say that you don 't believe he ever existed ? It matters not at all to my story whether you do or not . He certainly does not exist now . The Commissioners of Woods and Forests have much to answer for , if it was they who put an end to his reign ; but I do not think they did ; it is more likely that the spelling - book used in woodland districts disagreed with his constitution . " All countries are much the same to me , " replied the stranger . " I see nothing to find fault with in this one . You have fine hawthorn - trees hereabouts ; just now they are as white as snow ; and then you have a noble wood behind you . " " Ah , you may well say that , " said the young woman . " It is a noble wood to us ; it gets us bread . My husband works in it . " The wife turned some potatoes out of the little saucepan , set a jug of beer on the table , and they all began to sup . The best of everything was offered by the wife to the stranger . The husband , after looking earnestly at him for a few minutes , kept silence . " Well , that would be a great pity , " remarked his kind hostess . " No wonder your bones ache if you have no better shelter . " As she said this , she looked appealingly at her husband . " Disdain , indeed ! " laughed the wife , as soon as they shut the door . " Why , Will , how could you say it ? I should like to see him disdain me and mine . It isn 't often , I 'll engage to say , that he sleeps in such a well - furnished kitchen . " " Bless us ! " exclaimed the little wife ; " is the Wood Ouphe in our cottage ? How frightened I am ! I wish I hadn 't put the candle out . " " Why , he comes for no harm , " said the woodman . " I 've never cut down any trees that he had not marked , and I 've always laid his toll of the wood , neatly cut up , beside his foot - path , so I am not afraid . Besides , don 't you know that he always pays where he lodges , and very handsomely , too ? " " Pays , does he ? " said the wife . " Well , but he is an awful creature to have so near one . I would much rather he had really been an old soldier . I hope he is not looking after my baby ; he shall not have him , let him offer ever so much . " The more the wife talked , the more the husband laughed at her fears , till at length he fell asleep , whilst she lay awake , thinking and thinking , till by degrees she forgot her fears , and began to wonder what they might expect by way of reward . Hours appeared to pass away during these thoughts . At length , to her great surprise , while it was still quite dark , her husband called to her from below : As quickly as possible Kitty started up and dressed herself , and ran down the ladder , and then she saw her husband kneeling on the floor over the knapsack , which the Ouphe had left behind him . Kitty rushed to the spot , and saw the knapsack bursting open with gold coins , which were rolling out over the brick floor . Here was good fortune ! She began to pick them up , and count them into her apron . The more she gathered , the faster they rolled , till she left off counting , out of breath with joy and surprise . They consulted for some time . At last they decided to bury it in the garden , all but twenty pieces , which they would spend directly . Accordingly they dug a hole and carefully hid the rest of the money , and then the woodman went to the town , and soon returned laden with the things they had agreed upon as desirable possessions ; namely , a leg of mutton , two bottles of wine , a necklace for Kitty , some tea and sugar , a grand velvet waistcoat , a silver watch , a large clock , a red silk cloak , and a hat and feather for the baby , a quilted petticoat , a great many muffins and crumpets , a rattle , and two new pairs of shoes . How enchanted they both were ! Kitty cooked the nice things , and they dressed themselves in the finery , and sat down to a very good dinner . But , alas ! the woodman drank so much of the wine that he soon got quite tipsy , and began to dance and sing . Kitty was very much shocked ; but when he proposed to dig up some more of the gold , and go to market for some more wine and some more blue velvet waistcoats , she remonstrated very strongly . Such was the change that had come over this loving couple , that they presently began to quarrel , and from words the woodman soon got to blows , and , after beating his little wife , lay down on the floor and fell fast asleep , while she sat crying in a corner . Thereupon another quarrel ensued , and the woodman , being by this time quite tipsy , beat his wife again . The next day they went and got numbers of workmen to build them a new house in their garden . It was quite astonishing even to Kitty , who did not know much about building , to see how quick these workmen were ; in one week the house was ready . But in the meantime the woodman , who had very often been tipsy , felt so unwell that he could not look after them ; therefore it is not surprising that they stole a great many of his fine things while he lay smoking on the green damask sofa which stood on the carrot bed . Those articles which the workmen did not steal the rain and dust spoilt ; but that they thought did not much matter , for still more than half the gold was left ; so they soon furnished the new house . And now Kitty had a servant , and used to sit every morning on a couch dressed in silks and jewels till dinner - time , when the most delicious hot beefsteaks and sausage padding or roast goose were served up , with more sweet pies , fritters , tarts , and cheese - cakes than they could possibly eat . As for the baby , he had three elegant cots , in which he was put to sleep by turns ; he was allowed to tear his picture - books as often as he pleased , and to eat so many sugar - plums and macaroons that they often made him quite ill . The woodman looked very pale and miserable , though he often said what a fine thing it was to be rich . He never thought of going to his work , and used generally to sit in the kitchen till dinner was ready , watching the spit . Kitty wished she could see him looking as well and cheerful as in old days , though she felt naturally proud that her husband should always be dressed like a gentleman , namely , in a blue coat , red waistcoat , and top - boots . He and Kitty could never agree as to what should be done with the rest of the money ; in fact , no one would have known them for the same people ; they quarrelled almost every day , and lost nearly all their love for one another . Kitty often cried herself to sleep - a thing she had never done when they were poor ; she thought it was very strange that she should be a lady , and yet not be happy . Every morning when the woodman was sober they invented new plans for making themselves happy , yet , strange to say , none of them succeeded , and matters grew worse and worse . At last Kitty thought she should be happy if she had a coach ; so she went to the place where the knapsack was buried , and began to dig ; but the garden was so trodden down that she could not dig deep enough , and soon got tired of trying . At last she called the servant , and told her the secret as to where the money was , promising her a gold piece if she could dig it up . The servant dug with all her strength , and with a great deal of trouble they got the knapsack up , and Kitty found that not many gold pieces were left . However , she resolved to have the coach , so she took them and went to the town , where she bought a yellow chariot , with a most beautiful coat of arms upon it , and two cream - colored horses to draw it . " Why , what a silly little thing thou art to cry about a dream , " said the woodman , smiling . " No , we are not going to quarrel as I know of . Come , Kitty , remember the Ouphe . " " I am sorry , mistress , " said the Ouphe , " that you slept uneasily - my race are said sometimes by their presence to affect the dreams of you mortals . Where is my knapsack ? Shall I leave it behind me in payment of bed and board ? " One day , when she had been talking very unkindly of some friends of hers , her mother said to her : " My child , I think if you knew a little more of the world , you would become more charitable . I would therefore advise you to set out on your travels ; you will find plenty of food , for the cowslips are now in bloom , and they contain excellent honey . I need not be anxious about your lodging , for there is no place more delightful for sleeping in than an empty robin 's nest when the young have flown . And if you want a new gown , you can sew two tulip leaves together , which will make you a very becoming dress , and one that I should be proud to see you in . " The young Fairy then flew away till she came to a large meadow , with a clear river flowing on one side of it , and some tall oak - trees on the other . She sat down on a high branch in one of these oaks , and , after her long flight , was thinking of a nap , when , happening to look down at her little feet , she observed that her shoes were growing shabby and faded . " Quite a disgrace , I declare , " said she . " I must look for another pair . Perhaps two of the smallest flowers of that snapdragon which I see growing in the hedge would fit me . I think I should like a pair of yellow slippers . " So she flew down , and , after a little trouble , she found two flowers which fitted her very neatly , and she was just going to return to the oak - tree , when she heard a deep sigh beneath her , and , peeping out from her place among the hawthorn blossoms , she saw a fine young Lark sitting in the long grass , and looking the picture of misery . " Why don 't you look for a wife , then ? " said the Fairy , laughing at him . " Do you expect one to come and look for you ? Fly up , and sing a beautiful song in the sky , and then perhaps some pretty hen will hear you ; and perhaps , if you tell her that you will help her to build a capital nest , and that you will sing to her all day long , she will consent to be your wife . " " Oh , I don 't like , " said the Lark , " I don 't like to fly up , I am so ugly . If I were a goldfinch , and had yellow bars on my wings , or a robin , and had red feathers on my breast , I should not mind the defect which now I am afraid to show . But I am only a poor brown Lark , and I know I shall never get a wife . " " It looks certainly very fierce , " said the Fairy . " Your hind claw is at least an inch long , and all your toes have very dangerous - looking points . Are you sure you never use them to fight with ? " " For , " proceeded the Fairy , " nothing is given us to be of no use . You would not have wings unless you were to fly , nor a voice unless you were to sing ; and so you would not have those dreadful spurs unless you were going to fight . If your spurs are not to fight with , " continued the unkind Fairy , " I should like to know what they are for ? " " I am sure I don 't know , " said the Lark , lifting up his foot and looking at it . " Then you are not inclined to help me at all , Fairy ? I thought you might be willing to mention among my friends that I am not a quarrelsome bird , and that I should always take care not to hurt my wife and nestlings with my spurs . " " Appearances are very much against you , " answered the Fairy ; " and it is quite plain to me that those spurs are meant to scratch with . No , I cannot help you . Good morning . " The Skylark walked as carefully as he could , that she might not see his feet ; and he thought he had never seen such a pretty bird in his life . But when she told him how much she loved music , he sprang up again into the blue sky as if he was not at all tired , and sang anew , clearer and sweeter than before . He was so glad to think that he could please her . " Indeed ! " replied the Fairy . " I wish I could say that they were always kind to me . How is that quarrelsome Lark who found such a pretty brown mate the other day ? " " Suppose you come and see the eggs that our pretty friend the Lark has got in her nest , " asked the Grasshopper . " Three pink eggs spotted with brown . I am sure she will show them to you with pleasure . " " Larks always do , " said the poor little brown bird ; and I did not know how to make a fine nest such as those in the hedges . Oh , my pretty eggs ! - my heart aches for them ! I shall never hear my little nestlings chirp ! " " My dear , " answered her mate , " don 't be unhappy . " And so saying , he hopped up to the eggs , and laying one foot upon the prettiest , he clasped it with his long spurs . Strange to say , it exactly fitted them . " To be sure I can , " replied the Lark , beginning slowly and carefully to hop on with the egg in his right foot ; " nothing more easy . I have often thought it was likely that our eggs would be disturbed in this meadow ; but it never occurred to me till this moment that I could provide against this misfortune . I have often wondered what my spurs could be for , and now I see . " So saying , he hopped gently on till he came to the hedge , and then got through it , still holding the egg , till he found a nice little hollow place in among the corn , and there he laid it and came back for the others . The Fairy said nothing , but she felt heartily ashamed of herself . She sat looking on till the happy Lark had carried the last of his eggs to a safe place , and had called his mate to come and sit on them . Then , when he sprang up into the sky again , exulting and rejoicing and singing to his mate that now he was quite happy , because he knew what his long spurs were for , she stole gently away , saying to herself , " Well , I could not have believed such a thing . I thought he must be a quarrelsome bird as his spurs were so long ; but it appears that I was wrong , after all . " At length , one day , a venerable man of a noble presence was brought to the tower , with soldiers to guard him and slaves to attend him . The prince was glad of his presence , though at first he seldom opened his lips , and it was manifest that confinement made him miserable . With restless feet he would wander from window to window of the stone tower , and mount from story to story ; but mount as high as he would there was still nothing to be seen but the vast , unvarying plain , clothed with scanty grass , and flooded with the glaring sunshine ; flocks and herds and shepherds moved across it sometimes , but nothing else , not even a shadow , for there was no cloud in the sky to cast one . The old man , however , always treated the prince with respect , and answered his questions with a great deal of patience , till at length he found a pleasure in satisfying his curiosity , which so much pleased the poor young prisoner , that , as a great condescension , be invited him to come out on the roof of the tower and drink sherbet with him in the cool of the evening , and tell him of the country beyond the desert , and what seas are like , and mountains , and towns . The prince knew not where he was , but a green country was floating before him , and he found himself standing in a marshy valley where a few wretchèd cottages were scattered here and there with no means of communication . There was a river , but it had overflowed its banks and made the central land impassable , the fences had been broken down by it , and the fields of corn laid low ; a few wretchèd peasants were wandering about there ; they looked half - clad and half - starved . " A miserable valley , indeed ! " exclaimed the prince ; but as he said it a man came down from the hills with a great bag of gold in his hand . " This valley is mine , " said he to the people ; " I have bought it for gold . Now make banks that the river may not overflow , and I will give you gold ; also make fences and plant fields , and cover in the roofs of your houses , and buy yourselves richer clothing . " So the people did so , and as the gold got lower in the bag the valley grew fairer and greener , till the prince exclaimed , " O gold , I see your value now ! O wonderful , beneficent gold ! " After this , as he wandered here and there , he saw groups of people smelting the gold under the shadow of the trees , and he observed that a dancing , quivering vapour rose up from it which dazzled their eyes , and distorted everything that they looked at ; arraying it also in different colours from the true one . He observed that this vapour from the gold caused all things to rock and reel before the eyes of those who looked through it , and also , by some strange affinity , it drew their hearts toward those who carried much gold on their persons , so that they called them good and beautiful ; it also caused them to see darkness and dullness in the faces of those who had carried none . " This , " thought the prince , " is very strange ; " but not being able to explain it , he went still farther , and there he saw more people . Each of these had adorned himself with a broad golden girdle , and was sitting in the shade , while other men waited on them . " I once had one , " answered the gold - gatherer ; " but it was so tight over my breast that my heart grew cold under it , and almost ceased to beat . Having a great quantity of gold on my back , I felt almost at the last gasp ; so I threw off my girdle , and being on the bank of a river , which I knew not how to cross , I was about to fling it in , I was so vexed ! ' But no , ' thought I , ' there are many people waiting here to cross besides myself . I will make my girdle into a bridge , and we will cross over on it . ' " " And , then , sir , after that , " he continued , " I turned one - half of my burden into bread , and gave it to these poor people . Since then I have not been oppressed by its weight , however heavy it may have been ; for few men have a heavier one . In fact , I gather more from day to day . " He raised himself upon his elbow , and tried to pierce the darkness , but could not . At length a slender blue flame darted out , as from ashes in a chafing - dish , and by the light of it he saw the strange pattern of his carpet and the cushions lying about . He did not recognize them at first , but presently he knew that he was lying in his usual place , at the top of his tower . The next morning , when he awoke , the old man was gone . He had taken with him the golden cup . And the sentinel was also gone , none knew whither . Perhaps the old man had turned his golden cup into a golden key . MY father and mother were gone out for the day , and had left me charge of the children . It was very hot , and they kept up a continual fidget . I bore it patiently for some time , for children will be restless in hot weather , but at length I requested that they would get something to do . Thereupon they ran off , leaving me to inspect the diary . Its first page was garnished with the resemblance of a large swan with curly wings ; from his beak proceeded the owner 's name in full , and underneath were his lucubration . The first few pages ran as follows : " Wednesday . To - day mamma said , as all the others were writing diaries , I might do one too if I liked , so I said I should , and I shall write it every day till I am grown up . I did a long division sum , a very hard one . We dined early to - day , and we had a boiled leg of mutton and an apple pudding , but I shall not say another time what we had for dinner , because I shall have plenty of other things to say . " " Friday . Gardener has been mending the palings ; he gave me five nails ; they were very good ones , such as I like . He said if any boy that he knew was to pull nails out of his wall trees when he 'd done them , he should certainly tell their papa of them . Aunt Fanny came and took away Sophy to spend a fortnight . Uncle Tom came too ; he said I was a fine boy , and gave me a shilling . " " Monday . To - day I had a cold , and after school I was just going to bowl my hoop when Orris said to mamma it rained , and ma said she couldn 't think of my going out in the rain , and so I couldn 't go . After that Orris called me to come into her room , and gave me a four - penny piece and two pictures , so now I 've got eight - pence . Orris is very kind , but sometimes she thinks she ought to command , because she is the eldest . " " Wednesday . I dined late with papa and mamma and the elder ones : it rained . If the others won 't tell me what to say , of course I don 't know . " " Friday . I went to the shop and bought some tin tax . I don 't like writing diaries particularly . It will be a good thing to leave off till the holidays . " This was soon done , and then the question was repeated . I saw there was but one chance of quiet , so I resolved to make a virtue of necessity , and say that if they would each immediately begin some ordinary occupation , I would tell them a story . What child was ever proof against a story ? " Oh , never mind why . Shall we tell her , Harriet ? Well , it 's because you tell cheating stories : you say , ' I 'll tell you a story about a girl , or a cottage , or a thimble , or anything you like , ' and it really is something about us . " " Now begin , please . There was once - " So I accordingly began . " There was once a boy who was very fond of pictures . There were not many pictures for him to look at , for his mother , who was a widow , lived on the borders of one of the great American forests . She had come out from England with her husband , and now that he was dead , the few pictures hanging on her walls were almost the only luxuries she possessed . " ' Child , ' said the mother , ' for my part I don 't believe there are any such things as fairies . I never saw one , and your father never did ; but by all accounts , if fairies there be , they are a jealous and revengeful race . Mind your books , my child , and never mind the fairies . ' " ' You don 't know ! nor I neither . Why , child , you look at the dumb things as if you loved them . Put on your cap and run out to play . ' " So the boy went out , and wandered toward the forest till he came to the brink of a sheet of water . It was too small to be called a lake , but it was deep , clear , and overhung with crowds of trees . It was evening , and the sun was getting low . There was a narrow strip of land stretching out into the water . Pine - trees grew upon it ; and here and there a plane - tree or a sumach dipped its large leaves over , and seemed intent on watching its own clear reflection . " The boy stood still , and thought how delightful it was to see the sun red and glorious between the black trunks of the pine - trees . Then he looked up into the abyss of clear sky overhead , and thought how beautiful it was to see the little frail clouds folded over one another like a belt of rose - coloured waves . Then he drew still nearer to the water , and saw how they were all reflected down there among the leaves and flowers of the lilies ; and he wished he were a painter , for he said to himself , ' I am sure there are no trees in the world with such beautiful leaves as these pines ; I am sure there are no other clouds in the world so lovely as these ; I know this is the sweetest piece of water in the world , and , if I could paint it , every one else would know it too . ' He stood still for awhile , watching the water - lilies as they closed their leaves for the night , and listening to the slight sound they made when they dipped their heads under water . ' The sun has been playing tricks with these lilies as well as with the clouds , ' he said to himself , ' for when I passed by in the morning they swayed about like floating snowballs , and now there is not a bud of them that has not got a rosy side . I must gather one , and see if I cannot make a drawing of it . ' So he gathered a lily , sat down with it in his hand , and tried very hard to make a correct sketch of it in a blank leaf of his copy - book . He was far more patient than usual , but he succeeded so little to his own satisfaction , that at length he threw down the book , and , looking into the cup of his lily , said to it , in a sorrowful voice , ' Ah , what use is it my trying to copy anything so beautiful as you are ? How much I wish I were a painter ! ' " Struck with astonishment , the boy kept silence . She lifted up her face , and opened her lips more than once . He expected her to say some wonderful thing ; but , when at length she did speak , she only said , ' Child , are you happy ? ' " ' I was just closing my leaves for the night , ' answered the fairy , ' when you drew me out of the water ; and I should have made you feel the effects of my resentment if it had not happened that you are the favourite of our race . Under the water , at the bottom of this lake , are our palaces and castles ; and when , after visiting the upper world , we wish to return to them , we close one of these lilies over us , and sink in it to our home . The wish that I heard you utter just now induced me to appear to you . I know a powerful charm which will ensure your success and the accomplishment of your highest wishes ; but it is one which requires a great deal of care and patience in the working , and I cannot put you in possession of it unless you will promise the most implicit obedience to my directions . ' " ' Carry it to the nearest pine - tree , ' said the fairy , ' strike the trunk with it , and a keyhole will appear . Do not be afraid to unlock that magic door . Slip in your hand , and you will bring out a wonderful palette . I have not time now to tell you half its virtues , but they will soon unfold themselves . You must be very careful to paint with colours from that palette every day . On this depends the success of the charm . You will find that it will soon give grace to your figures and beauty to your colouring ; and I promise you that , if you do not break the spell , you shall not only in a few years be able to produce as beautiful a copy of these flowers as can be wished , but your name shall become known to fame , and your genius shall be honoured , and your pictures admired on both sides the Atlantic . ' " He looked up . All the beautiful rosy flowers were faded to a shady gray . The gold had disappeared from the water , and the forest was dense and gloomy . He arose with the lily in his hand , went slowly home , laid it in a casket to protect it from injury , and then proceeded to search for the palette , which he shortly found ; and , lest he should break the spell , he began to use it that very night . " Who would not like to have a fairy friend ? Who would not like to work with a magic palette ? Every day its virtues become more apparent . He worked very hard , and it was astonishing how soon he improved . His deep , heavy outlines soon became light and clear ; and his colouring began to assume a transparent delicacy . He was so delighted with the fairy present that he even did more than was required of him . He spent nearly all his leisure time in using it , and often passed whole days beside the sheet of water in the forest . He painted it when the sun shone , and it was spotted all over with the reflection of fleeting white clouds ; he painted it covered with water - lilies rocking on the ripples ; by moonlight , when two or three stars in the empty sky shone down upon it ; and at sunset , when it lay trembling like liquid gold . " It made the young man unhappy to hear all this fault found with his proceedings , but it never made him leave off using the fairy 's palette , though about this time he himself began to doubt whether he should ever be a painter . One evening he sat at his easel , trying in vain to give the expression he wished to an angel 's face , which seemed to get less and less like the face in his heart with every touch he gave it . On a sudden he threw down his brush , and with a feeling of bitter disappointment upbraided himself for what he now thought his folly in listening to the fairy , and accepting her delusive gift . What had he got by it hitherto ? Nothing but his mother 's regrets and the ridicule of his companions . He threw himself on his bed . It grew dark ; he could no longer be vexed with the sight of his unfinished angel ; and angel he fell asleep and forgot his sorrow . " In the middle of the night he suddenly awoke . His chamber was full of moonlight . The lid of the casket where he kept the lily had sprung open , and his fairy friend stood near it . " The youth held out his hand and took the ring . As he cast his eyes upon it , the fairy vanished . He turned it to the moonlight , and saw that it was set with a stone of a transparent blue colour . It had the property of reflecting everything bright that came near it ; and there was a word engravers upon it . He thought - he could not be sure - but he thought the word was ' Hope . ' " The next thing recorded of him is this , that on a sudden he became famous . The world began to admire his works , and to seek his company . He was considered a great man , and wealth and honours flowed in upon him . It happened to him that one day in travelling he came to a great city , where there was a large collection of pictures . He went to see them , and among them he saw many of his own pictures ; some of them he had painted before he had left his forest home ; others were of more recent date . All the people and all the painters praised them . But there was one that they liked better than the others ; and when he heard them call it his masterpiece , he went and sat down opposite to it , that he might think over again some of the thoughts that he had had when he painted it . " And then it drew toward evening , and the people one by one disappeared , till he was left alone with his masterpiece . The excitement of the day had made him anxious for repose . He was thinking of leaving the place , when suddenly he fell asleep , and dreamed that he was standing behind the sheet of water in his native country , and lingering , as of old , to watch the rays of the setting sun as they melted away from its surface . He thought , too , that his beautiful lily was in his hand , and that while he looked at it the leaves withered and fell at his feet . Then followed a confused recollection of his conversation with the fairy ; and after that his thoughts became clearer , and , though still asleep , he remembered where he was , and in what place he was sitting . His impressions became more vivid . He dreamed that something lightly touched his hand . He looked up , and his fairy benefactress was at his side , standing on the arm of his chair . " ' O wonderful enchantress ! ' said the dreaming painter , ' do not vanish before I have had time to thank you for your magic gift . I have nothing to offer you but my gratitude in return ; for the diamonds of this world are too heavy for such an ethereal being , and the gold of this world is useless to you who have no wants that it can supply . The fame I have acquired I cannot impart to you , for few of my race believe in the existence of yours . What , then , can I do ? I can only thank you for your goodness . But tell me at least your name , if you have a name , that I may cut it on a ring , and wear it always on my finger . ' This cake was a real treasure , such as in the days of the fairies , who still lived in certain parts of Norway , was known to be of the kind they loved . A piece of it was always cut and laid outside in the snow , in case they should wish to taste it . Hulda 's grandmother had also dropped a ring into this cake before it was put into the oven , and it is well known that whoever gets such a ring in his or her slice of cake has only to wish for something directly , and the fairies are bound to give it , if they possibly can . There have been cases known when the fairies could not give it , and then , of course , they were not to blame . " Yes , " cried the eldest boy . " It does not seem fair that only one should wish . I am the eldest . I begin . I shall wish that Twelfth - night would come twice a year . " " I wish to be a king , " said a boy whose name was Karl . " No , I think I shall wish to be the burgomaster , that I may go on board the ships in the harbour , and make their captains show me what is in them . I shall see how the sailors make their sails go up . " " Yes , " said her mother , " and I am now going to cut the cake . See , Hulda , the knife is going into it . Think of something . " " Only one wish , " repeated the fairy . And the children were all so much astonished ( for even in those days fairies were but rarely seen ) that none of them spoke a word , not even in a whisper . " Only one wish . Speak , then , little Hulda , for I am one of that race which delights to give pleasure and to do good . Is there really nothing that you wish , for you shall certainly have it if there is ? " " Dear child , " she sighed , in a faint , mournful voice , " I had better have left you with the gift of your satisfied , contented heart , than thus have urged you to form a wish to my destruction . Alas ! alas ! my power and my happiness fade from me , and are as if they had never been . My wand must now go to you , who can make no use of it , and I must flutter about forlornly and alone in the cold world , with no more ability to do good , and waste away my time - a helpless and defenceless thing . " " Oh , no , no ! " replied little Hulda . " Do not speak so mournfully , dear fairy . I did not wish at first to ask for it . I will not take the wand if it is of value to you , and I should be grieved to have it against your will . " " Child , " said the fairy , " you do not know our nature . I have said whatever you wished should be yours . I cannot alter this decree ; it must be so . Take my wand ; and I entreat you to guard it carefully , and never to give it away lest it should get into the hands of my enemy ; for if once it should , I shall become his miserable little slave . Keep my wand with care ; it is of no use to you , but in the course of years it is possible I may be able to regain it , and on Midsummer night I shall for a few hours return to my present shape , and be able for a short time to talk with you again . " " Nothing , nothing , " said the fairy , who had now become so transparent and dim that they could scarcely see her ; only the wings on her shoulders remained , and their bright colours had changed to a dusky brown . " I have long contended with my bitter enemy , the chief of the tribe of the gnomes - the ill - natured , spiteful gnomes . Their desire is as much to do harm to mortals as it is mine to do them good . If now he should find me I shall be at his mercy . It was decreed long ages ago that I should one day lose my wand , and it depends in some degree upon you , little Hulda , whether I shall ever receive it again . Farewell . " Poor little thing ! They were very sorry for it ; but after a while they nearly forgot it , for they were but children . Little Hulda only remembered it , and she carefully enclosed the beautiful sceptre in a small box . But Midsummer day passed by , and several other Midsummer days , and still Hulda saw nothing and heard nothing of the fairy . She then began to fear that she must be dead , and it was a long time since she had looked at the wand , when one day in the middle of the Norway summer , as she was playing on one of the deep bay windows of the castle , she saw a pedlar with a pack on his back coming slowly up the avenue of pine - trees , and singing a merry song . Hulda did not much like him , he had such restless black eyes and such a cunning smile . His face showed that he was a foreigner ; it was as brown as a nut . His dress also was very strange ; he wore a red turban , and had large earrings in his ears , and silver chains wound round and round his ankles . " My father is gone out to fish in the fiord , " replied little Hulda ; " he will not return for some time , and the maids and the men are all gone to make hay in the fields ; there is no one left at home but me and my old nurse . " The pedlar was very much delighted to hear this . However , he pretended to be disappointed . " Oh , no ! " said Hulda , " I did not think there had been anything so beautiful in the world . I did not think even our queen had such fine jewels as these . Thank you , pedlar , for the sight of them . " " Will you buy something , then , of a poor man ? " answered the pedlar . " I 've travelled a great distance , and not sold anything this many a day . " Now this pedlar was the fairy 's enemy . He had long suspected that the wand must be concealed somewhere in that region , and near the sea , and he had disguised himself , and gone out wandering among the farmhouses and huts and castles to try if he could hear some tidings of it , and get it if possible into his power . The moment he heard Hulda mention her gold wand , he became excessively anxious to see it . He was a gnome , and when his malicious eyes gleamed with delight they shot out a burning ray , which scorched the hound who was lying asleep close at hand , and he sprang up and barked at him . " Very well , " replied the pedlar , " as you please ; but I may as well look at it . I should hope these beautiful things need not go begging . " As he spoke he began carefully to lock up some of the jewels in their little boxes , as if he meant to go away . " Oh , don 't go , " cried Hulda . " I am going upstairs to fetch my wand . I shall not be long ; pray wait for me . " So the two dogs stood staring at him ; but the pedlar was too cunning for them . He looked out of the window , and said , " I think I see the master coming , " upon which they both turned to look across the heath , and the pedlar snatched up the opal ring , and hid it in his vest . When they turned around he was folding up his trinkets again as calmly as possible . " One cannot be too careful to count one 's goods , " he said , gravely . " Honest people often get cheated in houses like these , and honest as these two dogs look , I know where one of them hid that leg - of - mutton bone that he stole yesterday ! " Upon hearing this the dogs sneaked under the table ashamed of themselves . " I would not have it on my conscience that I robbed my master for the best bone in the world , " continued the pedlar , and as he said this he took up a little silver horn belonging to the lord of the castle , and , having tapped it with his knuckle to see whether the metal was pure , folded it up in cotton , and put it in his pack with the , rest of his curiosities . " There , " he said , " you have got a very handsome bracelet in your hand . It is worth a great deal more than the wand . You may keep it . I have no time to waste ; I must be gone . " So saying , he hastily snatched up the rest of his jewels , thrust them into his pack , and slung it over his shoulder , leaving Hulda looking after him with the bracelet in her hand . She saw him walk rapidly along the heath till he came to a gravel - pit , very deep , and with overhanging sides . He swung himself over by the branches of the trees . " Hi ! " he said , putting his head down . " Some of you come up . I 've got the wand at last . Come and help me down with my pack . " " I 'm coming , " answered a voice , speaking under the ground ; and presently up came a head , all covered with earth , through the hole the pedlar had made . It was shaggy with hair , and had two little bright eyes , like those of a mole . Hulda thought she had never seen such a curious little man . He was dressed in brown clothes , and had a red - peaked cap on his head ; and he and the pedlar soon laid the pack at the bottom of the hole , and began to stamp upon it , dancing and singing with great vehemence . As they went on the pack sank lower and lower , till at last , as they still stood upon it , Hulda could see only their heads and shoulders . In a little time longer she could only see the top of the red cap ; and then the two little men disappeared altogether , and the ground closed over them , and the white nettles and marsh marigolds waved their heads over the place as if nothing had happened . Hulda walked away sadly and slowly . She looked at the beautiful bracelet , and wished she had not parted with the wand for it , for she now began to fear that the pedlar had deceived her . Nevertheless , who would not be delighted to have such a fine jewel ? It consisted of a gold hoop , set with turquoise , and on the clasp was a beautiful bird , with open wings , all made of gold , and which quivered as Hulda carried it . Hulda looked at its bright eyes - ruby eyes , which sparkled in the sunshine - and at its crest , all powdered with pearls , and she forgot her regret . " My beautiful bird ! " she said , " I will not hide you in a dark box , as the pedlar did . I will wear you on my wrist , and let you see all my toys , and you shall be carried every day into the garden , that the flowers may see how elegant you are . But stop ! I think I see a little dust on your wings . I must rub it off . " So saying , Hulda took up her frock and began gently rubbing the bird 's wings , when , to her utter astonishment , it opened its pretty beak and sang : " Alas ! alas ! " she said , " I have done very wrong . I have lost the wand forever ! Oh , what shall I do , dear little bird ? Do tell me . " But the bird did not sing again , and it was now time to go to bed . The old nurse came out to fetch Hulda . She had been looking all over the castle for her , and been wondering where she could have hidden herself . " Child , " said the old nurse , " look how late you are - it is nearly midnight . Come , it is full time for bed . This is Midsummer day . " " Midsummer day ! " repeated Hulda . " Ah , how sorry I am ! Then this is a day when I might have seen the fairy . How very , very foolish I have been ! " Hulda laid her beautiful bracelet upon a table in her room , where she could see it , and kissed the little bird before she got into bed . She had been asleep a long time when a little sobbing voice suddenly awoke her , and she sat up to listen . The house was perfectly still ; her cat was curled up at the door , fast asleep ; her bird 's head was under its wing ; a long sunbeam was slanting down through an opening in the green window - curtain , and the motes danced merrily in it . " Oh , fairy , fairy ! what have I done ! " said Hulda . You will never see your wand again . The gnome has got it , and he has carried it down under the ground , where he will hide it from us forever . " " Child , " said the fairy , " be cautious what you say - that gnome is my enemy ; he disguised himself as a pedlar the better to deceive you , and now he has got my wand he can discover where I am ; he will be constantly pursuing me , and I shall have no peace ; if once I fall into his hands , I shall be his slave forever . The bird is not his friend , for the race of gnomes have no friends . Speak to it again , and see if it will sing to you , for you are its mistress . " " It is a common thing among mortals , " replied the fairy , " to say the thing which is not true , and do the thing which is not honest ; but among the other races of beings who inhabit this world the penalty of mocking and imitating the vices of you , the superior race , is , that if ever one of us can be convicted of it , that one , be it gnome , sprite , or fairy , is never permitted to appear in the likeness of humanity again , nor to walk about on the face of the land which is your inheritance . Now the gnomes hate one another , and if it should be discovered by the brethren of this my enemy that he stole the opal ring , they will not fail to betray him . There is , therefore , no doubt , little Hulda , that he carries both the ring and the wand about with him wherever he goes , and if in all your walks and during your whole life you should see him again , and go boldly up to him and demand the stolen stone , he will be compelled instantly to burrow his way down again into the earth , and leave behind him all his ill - gotten gains . " " I have passed a dreary time , " replied the fairy . " I have been compelled to leave Europe and fly across to Africa , for my enemy inhabits that great hollow dome which is the centre of the earth , and he can only come up in Europe ; but my poor little brown wings were often so weary in my flight across the sea that I wished , like the birds , I could drop into the waves and die ; for what was to me the use of immortality when I could no longer soothe the sorrow of mortals ? But I cannot die ; and after I had fluttered across into Egypt , where the glaring light of the sun almost blinded me , I was thankful to find a ruined tomb or temple underground , where great marble sarcophagi were ranged around the walls , and where in the dusky light I could rest from my travels , in a place where I only knew the difference between night and day by the redness of the one sunbeam which stole in through a crevice , and the silvery blue of the moonbeam that succeeded it . " In that temple there was no sound but the rustling of the bats ' wings as they flew in before dawn , or sometimes the chirping of a swallow which had lost its way , and was frightened to see all the grim marble faces gazing at it . But the quietness did me good , and I waited , hoping that the young King of Sweden would marry , and that an heir would be born to him ( for I am a Swedish fairy ) , and then I should recover my liberty according to an ancient statute of the fairy realm , and my wand would also come again into my possession ; but alas ! he is dead , and the reason you see me to - day is , that , like the rest of my race , I am come to strew leaves on his grave and recount his virtues . I must now return , for the birds are stirring ; I hear the cows lowing to be milked , and the maids singing as they go out with their pails . Farewell , little Hulda ; guard well the bracelet ; I must to my ruined temple again . Happy for me will be the day when you see my enemy ( if that day ever comes ) the bird will warn you of his neighbourhood by pecking your hand . So they put her on a pillion , and took her slowly on to the south by short distances , as she could bear it . And as she left the old castle , the wind tossed some yellow leaves against her , and then whirled them away across the heath to the forest . Hulda said : " What a strange Christmas this is ! " said Hulda , when she looked out the next morning . " Let us stay here , mother , for we are far enough to the south . Look how the red berries hang on yonder tree , and these myrtles on the porch are fresh and green , and a few roses bloom still on the sunny side of the window . " It was so fine and warm that the next day they carried Hulda to a green bank where she could sit down . It was close by some public gardens , and the people were coming and going . She fell into a doze as she sat with her mother watching her , and in her half - dream she heard the voices of the passers - by , and what they said about her , till suddenly a voice which she remembered made her wake with a start , and as she opened her frightened eyes , there , with his pack on his back , and his cunning eyes fixed upon her , stood the pedlar . " So that is Hulda , " said the pedlar to himself , as he went down the steep path into the middle of the world . " She looks as if a few days more would be all she has to live . I will not come here any more till the spring , and then she will be dead , and I shall have nothing to fear . " But Hulda did not die . See what a good thing it is to be kind . The soft , warm air of the south revived her by degrees - so much , that by the end of the year she could walk in the public garden and delight in the warm sunshine ; in another month she could ride with her father to see all the strange old castles in that neighbourhood , and by the end of February she was as well as ever she had been in her life ; and all this came from her desire to do good to the fairy by going to the south . " This is a cool , shady place , " he said , looking round , " and these dark yew - trees conceal it very well from the road . I shall come here always in the middle of the day , when the sun is too hot , and count over my gains . How hard my mistress , the Lizard , makes me work ! Who would have thought she would have wished to deck her green head with opals down there , where there are only a tribe of brown gnomes to see her ? But I have not given her that one out of the ring which I stole , nor three others that I conjured out of the crozier of the priest as I knelt at the altar , and they thought I was rehearsing a prayer to the Virgin . " " Who did ? " asked Hulda . " Not the pedlar , surely ? Tell me , my pretty bird . " But the bird only chirped a little and fluttered its golden wings , so Hulda ceased to ask it , and presently fell asleep , but the bird woke her by pecking her wrist very early , almost before sunrise , and sang : Hulda , upon hearing this , arose in great haste and dressed herself ; then she went to her father and mother , and entreated that they would come with her to the old ruin . It was now broad day , so they all three set out together . It was a very hot morning , the dust lay thick upon the road , and there was not air enough to stir the thick leaves of the trees which hung overhead . " I impeach you before all these witnesses ! " she cried , seizing him by the hand . " See justice done , good people . I impeach you , pedlar . Where 's the ring - my mother 's ring - which you stole on Midsummer 's day in the castle ? " " Show your hand like a man ! " said the people . " If the lady says falsely , can 't you face her and tell her so ? Never hold it down so cowardly ! " " Oh , he will go down into the earth ! " cried Hulda . " But I will not let go ! Pedlar , pedlar , it is useless ! If I follow you before the Lizard , your mistress , I will not let go ! " But Hulda would not and could not let go . The pedlar had now sunk up to his waist . Her mother wrung her hands , and in an instant the earth closed upon them both , and , after falling in the dark down a steep abyss , they found themselves , not at all the worse , standing in a dimly lighted cave with a large table in it piled with mouldy books . Behind the table was a smooth and perfectly round hole in the wall about the size of a cartwheel . " After this double crime no mercy can be shown you , " said the Lizard , and she twined her scarlet tongue round him , and drew him through the hole to herself . At the same instant it closed , and a crack came in the roof of the cave , through which the sunshine stole , and as Hulda looked up in flew a brown moth and settled on the magic bracelet . She touched the moth with the wand , and instantly it stood upon her wrist - a beautiful and joyous fairy . She took her wand from Hulda 's hand , and stood for a moment looking gratefully in her face without speaking . Then she said to the wand : Hulda kissed her parents and smiled upon them ; then she turned to look for the fairy , but she was gone . So they all three walked home in the twilight , and the next day Hulda set out again with her parents to return to the old castle in Norway . As for the fairy , she was happy from that day in the possession of her wand ; but the little golden bird folded its wings and never sang any songs again . |
Sunday night ( April 26th ) we had to meet at the train station at eleven thirty in order to begin our long journey to Sochi . Sochi is a city in the South of Russia , which is on the Black Sea and in the Caucaus Mountains . It is also going to be the site of the 2014 Winter Olympics . It takes 30 hours to get from Vladimir to Sochi on the train , so we had all packed lots of goodies for the ride . Our train left Vladimir at 12 : 40 am on Monday the 27th of April . On Monday we spent most of the day playing cards , or any other sort of game we could think of . We played the game where each person writes the name of a famous person on a slip of paper and hands it to the person next to them . That person puts the paper on their forehead without looking at it and has to guess who they are using yes or no questions . The Russians on the train all thought we were crazy , and they kept giving us weird looks while passing us . I guess it must have been bizarre to see six Americans clutching pieces of paper to their foreheads . We were extremely bored and extremely stuffed the entire day . We realized that we had brought way too much food , so we ate it all day since we had nothing else to do . When we woke up on Tuesday , we could see lots of green and finally , the Black Sea . We arrived in Sochi at 9 : 30 am . We were all ecstatic to see so much green and hear so many birds singing . The weather was very warm as well . We immediately got into a bus and got a tour of the city . We first went to a park in the center of Sochi that is very big , and had lots of attractions and weird statues . We couldn 't stop saying things like , " Look how GREEN everything is ! " We also walked around the city and on the boardwalk . Afterwards we checked into our hotel , which was an odd mix of very nice , and very crappy . The outside was not incredibly nice looking , but the lobby was quite nice indeed , so I thought that the inside must be nice everywhere after all . After we got into our rooms , I realized that this wasn 't exactly right . The rooms resembled college dorm rooms . I lived with Emily and Erin . We immediately put on our bathing suits and sprinted down to the Black Sea to swim . While passing the floor attendant , she asked , " Oh you guys are going down to the pool ? " When we replied that we were actually going to the ocean , she gave us a very weird look , and said , " Um , you know the pool is warmer , right ? " We didn 't care . We had to take turns going into the Black Sea because we didn 't want anyone to steal our stuff on the beach . So we went in groups of two . Emily and Erin went first . It was very cold , but they went in anyway . Courtney and I went next , and we had to go in fast because we had been talking so much trash to Emily and Erin for being slow about it . So within a few minutes we dunked under the water ( which was about 50 degrees ) . However , the cold wasn 't the only deterant as there were many jellyfish in the water . They were moon jellies , so they don 't sting , but it was still somewhat unnerving to think that you might dive into the water and slam your face straight into a jellyfish . Anyway , we can now all say that we have been swimming in the Black Sea ! After swimming , we were all looking forward to a nice hot shower . We returned back to the hotel to discover that there was no hot water . We were rewarded for going into the 50 degree sea with a lovely freezing cold shower . The next day our excursions began . We first went to a tea plantation to hear about how tea is made . Tea is incredibly important to Russia , and Russians enjoy drinking it about five times a day . Coincidentally , I was very sick of tea . However , it ended up being interesting because I learned that there is absolutely no difference between black or green tea leaves . All tea originates as one plant , and then they are processed differently to become green tea , black tea , white tea , or red tea . After learning a little too much about tea , we all got to try some . We sat in a tea house and drank black tea and ate bread with different types of jam and honey while listening to people sing and play music . One man played the accordion , and he played smaller and smaller accordions until they got too small to play . It was incredibly weird , but cool . After the tea excursion , we tried the pool out . It was certainly warmer than the ocean , but it was still seawater . We played Frisbee in the pool and swam around until we needed to meet for dinner . The next day we went on our first ( and best ) hike . John ( the Moscow resident director ) for some reason made the Vladimir group go way ahead of the rest , so we all took a marshrutka to the mountain . A marshrutka is a form of Russian transportation that is acts as a bus , but is essentially a van . They are very uncomfortable because you get squeezed in with many people , and then the drivers weave in and out of traffic at the speed of light . I would compare these devil vans with the Knight Bus from Harry Potter , except obviously without the magic . The hike was very beautiful because there were many flowers , and lots of green . The first half and hour of the hike was incredibly difficult because it was very steep and none of us were in shape as we had been eating Russian food all winter long ( a . k . a slabs of butter and tubs of oil ) . However , it was all worth it because we got to see good views of the mountain . At the end of our hike there was a magnificent waterfall , complete with a pond that we could swim in . The Black Sea was a hot tub compared to this damn pond . It was 30 degrees . Of course , all of Vladimir went in anyways , because by God we were going to beat Moscow and Petersburg . However , Evgeni , the teacher who came with us , told us that we had to ease into it in order to not go into shock . The worst part was putting your feet in , and after that it was better because at least part of your body was completely numb . Of course , when the other two groups showed up , they jumped right in . However , after that they couldn 't really stay in for more than thirty seconds . Win . After finishing the hike , we ate Georgian food at a restaurant . It was very good . We actually had quite a lot of Georgian food on the trip because we were so close to it . Afterwards we all had to get on marshrutkas again , except there wasn 't enough room for everyone . When seven of us couldn 't fit , John decided to march us all down the side of a highway in order to get one . About ten minutes into walking on the highway and trying to avoid maniac drivers , John hailed a marshrutka and we all , thankfully , got on . The next day we went on another hike . None of us understood why we couldn 't separate the two hike days , but instead John put them back to back . This hike sucked . We walked up a highway to the top of the mountain , which was absolutely zero percent interesting . The only semi interesting part of the hike was when a dog attacked me halfway up . It was only trying to herd me away from its house , but for a while I thought it was going to bite me . At the top of the mountain there were several weird things , the first of these being the variety of animals you could be photographed with . There were parrots , a peacock , a monkey , and a lion . It was very unlike Russia . We had lunch and went up a tower to see the view . It was rather foggy , so the view wasn 't as good as it could have been . However , it was still the best part of the excursion . Afterwards , there was not enough room on the bus for everyone to go back down the mountain , so people were encouraged to walk down . All but two people who volunteered were from Vladimir . We all walked down the mountain cursing John for being the worst organizer ever . By the halfway point , our feet and knees were killing us , and we were not pleased . We later found out that each way walking was 7 miles . So we hiked 14 miles that day . Thanks John . After the hike , we decided that we deserved McDonalds . Unfortunately , the trek to McDonalds turned out to be a little more of a hike than we wanted because we couldn 't remember exactly where it was . However , when we got there , we literally ran up to the doors yelling , " Yeeeeeeah ! ! " It was only later that we realized what huge dorks we were . Drew bought Emily and I fries and a muffin because he was so grateful that we found McDonalds for him . It might have been the best meal ever . The next day we were all incredibly sore . Luckily we didn 't have a hike . Instead we were going to Krasnaya Polyana , a very popular ski resort , and the future Olympic mountain . It also happens to be Putin 's favorite ski location . We found out that Medvedev was planning on coming to the mountain that day as well , but alas we didn 't see him . We did , however , see his plane at the airport on the way to the mountain . Yes , I saw the Russian equivalent of Air Force One . At the mountain , several of us paid to ride up the ski lift to the top . There were four lifts that we needed to ride in order to get to the top , and each one was a dinky two person chair . It took and hour to get to the top . It was an absolutely gorgeous view because we could see so much of the Caucausas . The Moscow teacher got off the last lift and immediately ran up the hill , tearing her shirt off , and screaming , " Everyone take your clothes off ! ! " Needless to say , she was a bit nuts . She was also hilarious . Everyone took lots of crazy group pictures . Once we got down , we spent a little time wandering around the mountain base before we had to get back on the bus and go to a honey farm . At the honey farm we learned about different types of honey and got to try some . I learned that not all honey is delicious . Our last excursion was a little weird . First we went to a river and were supposed to drive up a ways to see a good view of the river and go into a cave . John came on the bus microphone and told us , " Well , um , the road up to the view is closed so we have to hike . " Most of the Vladimir group wanted off with his head . I suppose it wasn 't his fault , but we were still super sore from having to walk 14 miles the other day instead of 7 like everybody else . It was only a ten minute hike up to where we were going , but it was straight uphill , and I have never felt that much pain in my life . It was all for nothing as well , because we could hardly see the river , and the lady working there refused to open the gate for us to see the better view and get into the cave . We were more than a little bitter about this . Afterwards , we had to go to the second part of the excursion , which was a fish hatchery . No one was particularly interested in the fish , but we got to see the whole process . We saw tiny baby fish , then we saw bigger fish , and then we saw a lady in the parking lot slicing people 's purchases open and throwing their guts into the parking lot . That night , Medvedev ate at our hotel . Emily , Erin , three of the Moscow girls , and I went running down to the beach ( where the restaurant was ) a little too late because we had only just gotten back from dinner . We had missed him . One of the Moscow girls went up to a security guard , and asked , " Where 's our president ? " The guy responded , " He 's over on the dock having tea with Putin . " We sort of had to pull her away , because she thought the guard was serious , and we had to tell her that he was joking . We found out later that even the people who had been down there when Medvedev showed up hadn 't seen him either because he had so many security guards , and he went through the back door . When I was in a produkti ( a small Russian grocery store ) buying chips , a man rather demandingly asked for expensive chocolate while I was putting my money away . As I was walking out the store , he called me back over and gave me the chocolate . This is what we have dubbed , " the pretty discount " because if you are remotely attractive , Russian men will often buy you things , or at least give you large discounts on things you are buying . The next day we didn 't have an excursion because it was our last day in Sochi . St . Petersburg had to leave at six in the morning to make their train . However , we weren 't leaving until three , so most of us spent the day walking along the boardwalk . We were all sad to be leaving because it was so beautiful and interesting there . We spent most of our nights on Sochi walking on the boardwalk , and then having a beer on the beach . Russians don 't have the same idea of not drinking in public as Americans do . It was really nice to have a beer and watch the sun set . It seemed pretty normal to me to see the sun set over the water , but everyone else was from the East Coast , so they never see the sun set over the ocean . It was also really nice because the sun has also started setting a lot later , so it was light until about nine . ( Now it is setting at around ten and rising at four thirty or five - we 're a lot closer to white nights ) . This weekend was no less strange than any other week . We went to Ispensky Cathedral and Dmitrievsky Cathedral on Friday for our excursion , the two biggest , most important monuments in Vladimir . Ispensky Cathedral was very beautiful inside because it was completely decked out in gold . There is a tomb for Alexander Nevsky , one of the famous , early Russian tsars , inside the Cathedral . It contains his finger . Apparently people chopped up his body and distributed it among the big cities in Russia . I am not remotely surprised . So I got to see the finger of some royal dead guy . We also saw the tomb of another 900 year dead king . Our guide told us to step up on a platform to get a better look at it . I was only minorly surprised to find that the top of the casket was glass , and we could see the decrepit body . It must have been really well preserved because it was 900 years old , but still retained a body shape . Its hand ( missing a couple fingers ) was clutching a giant , gold sword . It was pretty cool . Springtime after Easter is apparently a very popular time in Russia to get married . As I said before , couples in Russia go to famous landmarks in their city to take pictures after their wedding ceremony . On Friday , by the Golden Gate , we saw a grand total of eight wedding parties . You 'd think that it would somewhat ruin the experience , to have three other brides in the background of your wedding photos , but I guess it 's tough luck . We saw one wedding party taking jumping action shots off a hill . Anyway , Fridays in Vladimir have become hellish days to be in a car or a bus , because there is a lot of traffic due to these caravan wedding parties everywhere . On Saturday Erin 's tutor found out that a free movie was going to happen that night . Emily , Sarah , Erin , and I all invited our Russian friend Misha as well , and went . The building where the movie was played looked like an abandoned hospital . We got there rather early , and a " concert " was still in full swing . They let us sit in on the concert while we waited for the film to start . We are still unsure what the heck it was , because the " concert " consisted of one man , who was wearing a flashy gold shirt , singing , reading excerpts of his books , and showcasing magazines . We were the youngest people there , apart from a boy in front of us , who was playing a game on a gameboy - type thing . Emily and I spent most of the time watching the kid 's game . So did his father . Finally , the Renaissance man finished ( late , naturally ) , and they started playing the movie . The movie was an old Russian comedy , which had a strong resemblance to " Bill and Ted 's Excellent Adventure . " In the movie , a geeky - looking man built a machine that melted his wall , and revealed Russia hundreds of years ago . Of course , the tsar got stuck in present time , and two people from the present time got stuck in the tsar 's time . It was absolutely hilarious , because it was so strange . There were lots of cat moments also , because it wouldn 't be Russia if there weren 't cats in every aspect of life . Speaking of cats , Zosya is just as bizarre as ever . She likes to claw the bathroom door open in the morning while I 'm doing my make - up . Then she sticks only her head in , meows loudly , and then leaves . It has become a daily ritual . The other day , I was reading in bed , and she came in and jumped up on the bed . I was too lazy to make her go away , so I said , " Ok fine you can stay . I 'm allergic to you though , so just don 't come near my face . " Of course , she immediately smashed her face into mine , and began rubbing it all over my nose . Thank you , devil cat . This morning , Tanya brought Zosya into the kitchen , and she looked very wide - eyed and innocent . I thought , " Aww you 're actually cute today . " Five minutes later , when everyone had forgotten about her , I looked over and saw her glaring at everyone evilly , with an expression on her face that appeared to be , " I will terminate you all . " This afternoon , I got the first healthy food I have ever gotten at home . Iya came into my room and asked which would I rather have on my salad , oil , mayonnaise , or sour cream ? I immediately sprinted into the kitchen , telling her that I didn 't want ANYTHING on my salad . She didn 't understand , and kept trying to put globs of mayonnaise on my beautiful , healthy salad . I literally had to guard the bowl with my body to keep the mayonnaise out . I won . Right now Volodya is disassembling his couch . I don 't know why . The living room ( which I call " Volodya 's space " ) is a mess . He is humming gleefully to himself , while prying nails out of the couch . The other day , Iya wasn 't home when I returned , so Volodya served me dinner . He set out my tea , potatoes , and meat , then began wiggling his hips and swirling his wooden spoon in the air , and asked me if I " required " anything else . When I said no , he informed me that his bath was ready , and he was " Going to go swimming now . " When he finishes baths , he likes to wrap a towel around his head , like women do to dry their hair . Except Volodya doesn 't have much hair , so he looks ridiculous . On the same drive , we saw , at the very least , thirty bonfires outside people 's houses . People were throwing their things into these fires . We continued to see them throughout the weekend , all over the place . When I asked a Russian friend why they were doing this , he replied , " Oh people burn the grass , so that new grass can grow better . " In the past two weeks I have seen not one , not two , but four machine guns out in the open . One of the guys who had one was an average Joe . Sun 's out , guns out boys . We are all slowly losing our English . Innocent sentences such as , " I feel gross today " have been warped to " I feel myself grossly today . " To be fair , that would be the literal translation for how you would say that in Russian . It has also gotten extremely hard to write in one language . Oftentimes I combine letters from both languages , and then honestly can 't figure out which language I was going for . There is a show on TV called , " Let 's Get Married . " A man or woman goes on the show and meets with three bachelors or bachelorettes . At the end , the man or woman chooses one of three . They get married . There is another show on TV that is a skewed version of " Wheel of Fortune . " The show involves very little spelling , and the guests all sing to the host . We haven 't figured out what the point of the show is yet , but most of the prizes are things like onions , and the contestants seem ecstatic to win them . Many Russians wear T - shirts with English writing on them . Many Russians have no idea what these T - shirts mean . I will not list examples , because they are all very inappropriate . My Russian friend told us that Moscow was very safe during the Soviet Union . He also told us that Vladimir was " like a mini Soviet Union . " We have no idea what he was talking about . When the Polish plane crash happened this weekend , I was watching the news with my host family . I asked my host mom lots of questions about it because I wanted to know details about it . Her response to all of my questions was , " It 's because of the War . " What the WHAT are you talking about ? Speaking of which , EVERYTHING is about " The War " here . " The War " is WWII . Russians will all tell you that they were immensely important in the war , and America helped too . Everyone else put in an inadequate effort . The Russian Orthodox Church celebrates Easter for a week . Russians all make what we named , " Jesus Cakes , " because they often write " Jesus " on them . They make at least seven of them . Russians tell us that these cakes are made out of a special bread that lasts seven days . It does not . By the end of the week , these cakes could have been used as weapons . In the afternoon on Easter Sunday priests , monks , and nuns come out of the Cathedral and Monestary and give sermons at the Golden Gate . They then have a procession back to the Cathedral or Monestary . Jeff , Emily , and I saw the Monestary procession . They started at the Golden Gate , but the military messed it up because they were marching too fast for the old priests . One priest came tearing out of the Gate yelling , " STOP ! STOP , STOP . " He halted the procession and they had to start again . We watched the parade file out , and then we all followed them into the Monestary . Then we left . We went to another club for Erin 's birthday . This one was much more crowded than the previous one we had gone to for Emily 's birthday . It turned out to be quite interesting . There was one guy wearing aviators the whole time , accompanied by jeans and a sweater . I named him Maverick . The whole night I kept thinking of hilarious Top Gun jokes . For example , when Jeff asked , " Where did Maverick go ? " I replied , " He 's on the highway to the danger zone , man ! " He came back in no time , and fervently began dancing AT people . He failed to land anywhere . Another guy , who looked like a heavyweight wrestler , stood by the bar alone all night , and repeatedly punched the air . He was obviously trying to raise the roof . It looked like he had seen too many episodes of Jersey Shore . Meanwhile , the DJ was playing strange English techno . My favorite song was one that repeated the lyrics , " Don 't be shy , it 's Halloween " over and over again . Yesterday , Tania ( my host mother 's granddaughter ) had a dance recital . We were extremely late , so Olya drove like a bat out of hell , two blocks down the road . We arrived five minutes before the show started , and Tania was supposed to have been there an hour before the show . Olya parked , threw the keys at Iya , and took off running toward the dressing rooms after Tania . Meanwhile , I saw the first attractive man that I 've seen in Russia . Sadly , this was the man Iya threw the car keys at , while yelling , " YOUNG MAN CLOSE MY CAR . " While the poor soul showed Iya how to lock the car , I walked off , pretending that I didn 't know Iya . Meanwhile Volodya ( wearing jeans and a jeans jacket ) was wondering off giggling to himself about God only knows what . Once inside the theater , Volodya and I were assigned the task of finding seats . We saw some in the middle of one of the rows , so we squeezed our way past people to get there . The lady promptly informed us that the seats were reserved . Volodya demanded to know why , and she replied that she was saving them for her son and husband . Volodya vehemently said , " I don 't care ! " And sat down . While she started yelling at him , I started easing my way back out of the row . Volodya finally followed me , and marched straight up to one of the ushers , saying , " This is your job isn 't it ? Good , I can 't find seats . " The lady pointed out the two seats we had just tried . " I already tried there ! " bellowed Volodya . Finally , the usher opened the balcony for us . Volodya shoved me through the door , hurting a small child in the process . We finally found seats just as the performance was starting . The performance was very interesting , and Tania danced very well . However , Iya kicked me out at intermission , despite my protests that I wanted to stay . She promptly told me that I couldn 't stay , and dragged me out of the auditorium . She led me outside , and said , " There 's your bus , go ! " before heading back into the theater . I still don 't understand . Last Sunday , we met several Russian university students at a round table discussion . One of them , Misha ( short for the name Mikhail ) , called me and offered to give me a tour of Vladimir State University one day after school . Emily , Erin , Courtney , and I all went , assuming that we would simply have a tour of the campus . We were wrong . Misha brought us to a Journalism class , which was bizarre because he isn 't even in that department . The teacher and her students were delighted to see real live Americans . They asked us who we were , and whether or not we liked Vladimir . Without further ado , the teacher popped in a video , and made us watch several short films , none of which remotely related to journalism , or anything for that matter . The first of these short films , depicted a bunch of women walking together in a line . The camera only showed their naked legs , all wearing high heels , model - walking in a dance studio , to the song " I 'm Pretty Fly for a White Guy . " The second short video showed a bunch of cats in slow motion . My favorite of all of these , however , was a video that showed clips of Putin , to the song " I 'm Too Sexy . " It also showed a man who had painted Putin 's face on his leather jacket . Reflecting on this , we probably should not have been surprised . After they finished asking questions , Misha told us that all the dorms of the university were competing in a battle of the bands that night . Naturally , we had to go . Misha himself was playing in the competition with his band . We heard them warming up before the competition started , and we all thought , " Oh no , they suck , now we 're going to have to lie to his face , and tell him they were great . " Shortly after , the concert started , and it was absolutely hilarious . There were three rounds , and each dorm had a band or singer represent them in each round . One dorm sent one guy up every single time . He changed into a new sparkling , shiny shirt each time , and sang pop songs in front of American - idol style flashing lights . He sang one song in English , the lyrics being , " Love and emotions make me so tender , give it to me in sweet surrender . " Two girls , clad in " dresses " that hid absolutely nothing , got up on stage and sang a pop song . One of the girls couldn 't sing her way out of a paper bag , but she thought that she was Mariah Carey , and sang the " Oohs " with oomph . We couldn 't believe her friends actually allowed her to think she could sing like that in front of hundreds of people . One girl sang a song from the movie " A Walk to Remember , " and she was actually very good , but I could have done without the Walk to Remember montage she played . In the end , Misha and his group got up , and we all thought , " Oh Lord here we go … " They turned out to be absolutely amazing . I want the song they played on my iPod . It should be noted that Russians , especially women , are very preoccupied with love and marriage . When I first told my host mother that I have a boyfriend in America , she said something to the tune of , " Oh wonderful , you 're on the right track . " She demanded to see pictures , and when I showed her one of him , she said , " He 's tall . He 'll make a good husband . " I tried to explain to her that twenty - year - olds in America don 't think about things like that , and she looked at me like I was off my rocker . There are many superstitions in Russia about marriage as well . If you break certain rules , it means that you won 't be married for another ten years , which is catastrophic here . When Iya 's sister came over for the first time , she told me , " You 're very beautiful . You 'll find a good husband . " Young women , as well as the old are like this as well . We spoke to sixteen - year - old girls about the matter , and they were horrified that women in America get married as late as thirty . I told them that my aunt was only just getting married for the first time at the age of forty - four , and their eyes got really wide , as they said , " What did she do wrong ? " It is yet another reason why Russian culture is so different from American culture . We have a folklore class every other Tuesday where we sing songs and learn Russian dances and games . The other day we played a game involving flowers , which is meant for Russian children . If your flower is chosen , and you don 't answer fast enough , then it is required for you to take off something you 're wearing . I am not kidding , children play this game in Russia . Most people in our group took off watches , but Jeff was forced to take off his belt because he didn 't have a watch . Apparently strip games are not only for adults in Russia . I should not have been surprised . We experienced Russian clubs for the first time this weekend . We went to two different ones . The first club played a lot of Russian techno music , with the exception of Lady Gaga , which the club played especially for Emily 's birthday . There was a brief period in the first club where all of the power went off right after we first got up to dance . We all joked that we were so bad at dancing that the system just shut down in protest . The second club was really big and really expensive . They played only English techno , and there were way more guys than girls . It was a sausage fest . The guys weren 't remotely interested in dancing with girls because they were all too busy busting out by themselves . It was a bunch of guys in beaters and jeans acting like they were in the movie Step Up . It was absolutely hilarious . I saw my first Russian bar fight in the classiest bar I 've been to yet here . A tall , gangly guy with an arguile vest literally kicked some guy out the door because he was too drunk . The guy came in again , so the innocent looking waiter kicked him out again . And I mean , he literally raised his foot and kicked this guy in the back . After the guy fell out the door , the waiter ( I swear to God ) did a superman dive out the door on top of this guy and started beating him to a pulp . Afterwards the waiter came inside and called an ambulance because there was so much blood poring out of the guy 's head . Meanwhile I was the ONLY ONE who saw any of this happen . Everyone else in my group was too deeply immersed in conversation to hear me saying , " Guys did you see that ? ? " It was crazy . I also went to Globus , which is the Russian equivalent of Costco ( which is like Sam 's Club for those of you who don 't have Costco ) . Except Globus was way nicer than Costco because it wasn 't in a crappy warehouse with birds flying around everywhere . I honestly felt like I had somehow passed through a portal to America , because absolutely nothing in Vladimir looks like this . It had absolutely everything . However , there were several reminders that I was still in Russia . For one , instead of workers looking bored in blue smocks , there were giant mafia - type men in suits with earpieces , standing still and staring at everyone . There were also too many people walking around with whole fish for it to be America . In America , most of our fish can be bought pre - gutted and without their heads . The idea is laughable in Russia . The Globus symbol is also too creepy . It is a smiley face , but one eye is a globe . It looks like it should be a villain in a James Bond movie because the globe looks more like a diamond . It is particularly eerie . I remember before I came to Russia , one of my friends told me that Russians make crazy remixes of American songs , and play them in clubs . Today I found out that Russians do not limit their remixes to American songs , but ANYTHING American . And I mean anything . Today , a couple of us were in " Whiskey Pub , " a popular bar / nightclub , when all of a sudden we heard George Bush 's voice speaking over techno music . That 's right , I kid you not , I heard a remix to George Bush 's " We got Saddam Hussein " speech . The next morning we woke up and talked about how nice Dima was , and we all agreed that he was the nicest man we had ever met . This led to the thought that he probably robbed us all blind . Thankfully , he didn 't . He came into our room later to give all the girls in our group roses because it was International Women 's Day . It is traditional for people to give all the women they know presents , but it was really nice of him to think of us also since we had known him for all of a day . It was officially the first flower a man has ever voluntarily given me ( the only one I 've ever gotten before was from my prom date , where its obligatory to give your date a corsage ) . He even gave me two because he saw that my first one was slightly drooping , and he thought I needed a new one , despite my telling him that it was fine . After that Misha , Dima , and Christina made us all breakfast , and videotaped us . Misha asked us a million questions that he recorded on his video camera , and then he would randomly want us to throw our hands in the air , and yell " Whoo ! " It was all very weird . Emily , Erin , and I went to go find the famous statue of Peter the Great , a . k . a the Bronze Horseman , that Pushkin wrote about . It was not nearly as exciting as we thought it would be . The statue a ways away from it was more interesting because it was a bust of a Stalin - look - alike with a camel sitting under it . We could not for the life of us figure out what it was supposed to be . But , naturally , we all took pictures riding the camel . God had blessed us with the gift of Pizza Hut close to our hostel , so after we wondered around the park we went there to buy AMERICAN pizzas ( as opposed to the Russian version of pizza , which involve way too much cabbage ) for the train ride back to Vladimir . We went inside and were immediately greeted by the cash register , which told us " WE LOVE YOU ! ! ! ! ! " No , no - Pizza Hut , we love YOU . Erin ordered a whole pizza for herself , but Emily and I decided to order one large pizza that we would share with the rest of our group . We sat down to wait at the " waiting area , " which had a pitcher full of nasty gas water for our enjoyment . In Russia you have to differentiate between water with or without " gas , " which is the Russian way of saying sparkling water . When we finally got our pizzas Emily and I realized that our pizza wasn 't big enough for us and Jeff and Courtney . We decided that we didn 't want to share after all , so we ordered another pizza for them . The restaurant must have thought we were so bizarre because after we ordered our third pizza , we began to eat our to - go pizzas in the restaurant . When we finally got our third pizza , we had to sprint back to the hostel because we were running late for our train . In order to make our train , we had to power walk through the city . Naturally we were all thinking very violent thoughts toward all the slow - walkers of Saint Petersburg who were strolling leisurely in our way . Of course it also began to snow violently along the way . But it turned out all right because we made our train with five minutes to spare . The train ride was mostly non eventful , but at around 11 : 30 I was awoken by a member of the militsia ( Russian police ) smacking me with his folder . It was extremely frightening because generally when foreigners are confronted by the militsia , it is not for a good reason . They usually want to find a way to prove we 're here illegally if we don 't bribe them . So , naturally , I was like oh no , here we go . I couldn 't understand what he was saying , but I heard " purse " and " ticket " a lot so I decided he wanted me to get my ticket out of my purse , but when I looked up again he was walking away . It turned out that he simply wanted me to put my purse in a safer place so it wouldn 't be stolen . It was very nice of him , but I wish he hadn 't hit me repeatedly . We got into Vladimir at 5 am . We stood around waiting for a bus until 5 : 45 . It was cold . I went home and slept until 7 : 30 when I had to get up and go to school . It was a hell of a day , but it was totally worth it . I absolutely loved Saint Petersburg , but I wish I could have spoken more Russian there because , like Moscow , they speak too much English . Many people actually assumed I was French and started speaking French to me . St . Petersburg was also super European , and not remotely Russian . I am very glad I am studying in Vladimir for the semester because I am getting a real Russian experience . |
Sunday night ( April 26th ) we had to meet at the train station at eleven thirty in order to begin our long journey to Sochi . Sochi is a city in the South of Russia , which is on the Black Sea and in the Caucaus Mountains . It is also going to be the site of the 2014 Winter Olympics . It takes 30 hours to get from Vladimir to Sochi on the train , so we had all packed lots of goodies for the ride . Our train left Vladimir at 12 : 40 am on Monday the 27th of April . On Monday we spent most of the day playing cards , or any other sort of game we could think of . We played the game where each person writes the name of a famous person on a slip of paper and hands it to the person next to them . That person puts the paper on their forehead without looking at it and has to guess who they are using yes or no questions . The Russians on the train all thought we were crazy , and they kept giving us weird looks while passing us . I guess it must have been bizarre to see six Americans clutching pieces of paper to their foreheads . We were extremely bored and extremely stuffed the entire day . We realized that we had brought way too much food , so we ate it all day since we had nothing else to do . When we woke up on Tuesday , we could see lots of green and finally , the Black Sea . We arrived in Sochi at 9 : 30 am . We were all ecstatic to see so much green and hear so many birds singing . The weather was very warm as well . We immediately got into a bus and got a tour of the city . We first went to a park in the center of Sochi that is very big , and had lots of attractions and weird statues . We couldn 't stop saying things like , " Look how GREEN everything is ! " We also walked around the city and on the boardwalk . Afterwards we checked into our hotel , which was an odd mix of very nice , and very crappy . The outside was not incredibly nice looking , but the lobby was quite nice indeed , so I thought that the inside must be nice everywhere after all . After we got into our rooms , I realized that this wasn 't exactly right . The rooms resembled college dorm rooms . I lived with Emily and Erin . We immediately put on our bathing suits and sprinted down to the Black Sea to swim . While passing the floor attendant , she asked , " Oh you guys are going down to the pool ? " When we replied that we were actually going to the ocean , she gave us a very weird look , and said , " Um , you know the pool is warmer , right ? " We didn 't care . We had to take turns going into the Black Sea because we didn 't want anyone to steal our stuff on the beach . So we went in groups of two . Emily and Erin went first . It was very cold , but they went in anyway . Courtney and I went next , and we had to go in fast because we had been talking so much trash to Emily and Erin for being slow about it . So within a few minutes we dunked under the water ( which was about 50 degrees ) . However , the cold wasn 't the only deterant as there were many jellyfish in the water . They were moon jellies , so they don 't sting , but it was still somewhat unnerving to think that you might dive into the water and slam your face straight into a jellyfish . Anyway , we can now all say that we have been swimming in the Black Sea ! After swimming , we were all looking forward to a nice hot shower . We returned back to the hotel to discover that there was no hot water . We were rewarded for going into the 50 degree sea with a lovely freezing cold shower . The next day our excursions began . We first went to a tea plantation to hear about how tea is made . Tea is incredibly important to Russia , and Russians enjoy drinking it about five times a day . Coincidentally , I was very sick of tea . However , it ended up being interesting because I learned that there is absolutely no difference between black or green tea leaves . All tea originates as one plant , and then they are processed differently to become green tea , black tea , white tea , or red tea . After learning a little too much about tea , we all got to try some . We sat in a tea house and drank black tea and ate bread with different types of jam and honey while listening to people sing and play music . One man played the accordion , and he played smaller and smaller accordions until they got too small to play . It was incredibly weird , but cool . After the tea excursion , we tried the pool out . It was certainly warmer than the ocean , but it was still seawater . We played Frisbee in the pool and swam around until we needed to meet for dinner . The next day we went on our first ( and best ) hike . John ( the Moscow resident director ) for some reason made the Vladimir group go way ahead of the rest , so we all took a marshrutka to the mountain . A marshrutka is a form of Russian transportation that is acts as a bus , but is essentially a van . They are very uncomfortable because you get squeezed in with many people , and then the drivers weave in and out of traffic at the speed of light . I would compare these devil vans with the Knight Bus from Harry Potter , except obviously without the magic . The hike was very beautiful because there were many flowers , and lots of green . The first half and hour of the hike was incredibly difficult because it was very steep and none of us were in shape as we had been eating Russian food all winter long ( a . k . a slabs of butter and tubs of oil ) . However , it was all worth it because we got to see good views of the mountain . At the end of our hike there was a magnificent waterfall , complete with a pond that we could swim in . The Black Sea was a hot tub compared to this damn pond . It was 30 degrees . Of course , all of Vladimir went in anyways , because by God we were going to beat Moscow and Petersburg . However , Evgeni , the teacher who came with us , told us that we had to ease into it in order to not go into shock . The worst part was putting your feet in , and after that it was better because at least part of your body was completely numb . Of course , when the other two groups showed up , they jumped right in . However , after that they couldn 't really stay in for more than thirty seconds . Win . After finishing the hike , we ate Georgian food at a restaurant . It was very good . We actually had quite a lot of Georgian food on the trip because we were so close to it . Afterwards we all had to get on marshrutkas again , except there wasn 't enough room for everyone . When seven of us couldn 't fit , John decided to march us all down the side of a highway in order to get one . About ten minutes into walking on the highway and trying to avoid maniac drivers , John hailed a marshrutka and we all , thankfully , got on . The next day we went on another hike . None of us understood why we couldn 't separate the two hike days , but instead John put them back to back . This hike sucked . We walked up a highway to the top of the mountain , which was absolutely zero percent interesting . The only semi interesting part of the hike was when a dog attacked me halfway up . It was only trying to herd me away from its house , but for a while I thought it was going to bite me . At the top of the mountain there were several weird things , the first of these being the variety of animals you could be photographed with . There were parrots , a peacock , a monkey , and a lion . It was very unlike Russia . We had lunch and went up a tower to see the view . It was rather foggy , so the view wasn 't as good as it could have been . However , it was still the best part of the excursion . Afterwards , there was not enough room on the bus for everyone to go back down the mountain , so people were encouraged to walk down . All but two people who volunteered were from Vladimir . We all walked down the mountain cursing John for being the worst organizer ever . By the halfway point , our feet and knees were killing us , and we were not pleased . We later found out that each way walking was 7 miles . So we hiked 14 miles that day . Thanks John . After the hike , we decided that we deserved McDonalds . Unfortunately , the trek to McDonalds turned out to be a little more of a hike than we wanted because we couldn 't remember exactly where it was . However , when we got there , we literally ran up to the doors yelling , " Yeeeeeeah ! ! " It was only later that we realized what huge dorks we were . Drew bought Emily and I fries and a muffin because he was so grateful that we found McDonalds for him . It might have been the best meal ever . The next day we were all incredibly sore . Luckily we didn 't have a hike . Instead we were going to Krasnaya Polyana , a very popular ski resort , and the future Olympic mountain . It also happens to be Putin 's favorite ski location . We found out that Medvedev was planning on coming to the mountain that day as well , but alas we didn 't see him . We did , however , see his plane at the airport on the way to the mountain . Yes , I saw the Russian equivalent of Air Force One . At the mountain , several of us paid to ride up the ski lift to the top . There were four lifts that we needed to ride in order to get to the top , and each one was a dinky two person chair . It took and hour to get to the top . It was an absolutely gorgeous view because we could see so much of the Caucausas . The Moscow teacher got off the last lift and immediately ran up the hill , tearing her shirt off , and screaming , " Everyone take your clothes off ! ! " Needless to say , she was a bit nuts . She was also hilarious . Everyone took lots of crazy group pictures . Once we got down , we spent a little time wandering around the mountain base before we had to get back on the bus and go to a honey farm . At the honey farm we learned about different types of honey and got to try some . I learned that not all honey is delicious . Our last excursion was a little weird . First we went to a river and were supposed to drive up a ways to see a good view of the river and go into a cave . John came on the bus microphone and told us , " Well , um , the road up to the view is closed so we have to hike . " Most of the Vladimir group wanted off with his head . I suppose it wasn 't his fault , but we were still super sore from having to walk 14 miles the other day instead of 7 like everybody else . It was only a ten minute hike up to where we were going , but it was straight uphill , and I have never felt that much pain in my life . It was all for nothing as well , because we could hardly see the river , and the lady working there refused to open the gate for us to see the better view and get into the cave . We were more than a little bitter about this . Afterwards , we had to go to the second part of the excursion , which was a fish hatchery . No one was particularly interested in the fish , but we got to see the whole process . We saw tiny baby fish , then we saw bigger fish , and then we saw a lady in the parking lot slicing people 's purchases open and throwing their guts into the parking lot . That night , Medvedev ate at our hotel . Emily , Erin , three of the Moscow girls , and I went running down to the beach ( where the restaurant was ) a little too late because we had only just gotten back from dinner . We had missed him . One of the Moscow girls went up to a security guard , and asked , " Where 's our president ? " The guy responded , " He 's over on the dock having tea with Putin . " We sort of had to pull her away , because she thought the guard was serious , and we had to tell her that he was joking . We found out later that even the people who had been down there when Medvedev showed up hadn 't seen him either because he had so many security guards , and he went through the back door . When I was in a produkti ( a small Russian grocery store ) buying chips , a man rather demandingly asked for expensive chocolate while I was putting my money away . As I was walking out the store , he called me back over and gave me the chocolate . This is what we have dubbed , " the pretty discount " because if you are remotely attractive , Russian men will often buy you things , or at least give you large discounts on things you are buying . The next day we didn 't have an excursion because it was our last day in Sochi . St . Petersburg had to leave at six in the morning to make their train . However , we weren 't leaving until three , so most of us spent the day walking along the boardwalk . We were all sad to be leaving because it was so beautiful and interesting there . We spent most of our nights on Sochi walking on the boardwalk , and then having a beer on the beach . Russians don 't have the same idea of not drinking in public as Americans do . It was really nice to have a beer and watch the sun set . It seemed pretty normal to me to see the sun set over the water , but everyone else was from the East Coast , so they never see the sun set over the ocean . It was also really nice because the sun has also started setting a lot later , so it was light until about nine . ( Now it is setting at around ten and rising at four thirty or five - we 're a lot closer to white nights ) . This weekend was no less strange than any other week . We went to Ispensky Cathedral and Dmitrievsky Cathedral on Friday for our excursion , the two biggest , most important monuments in Vladimir . Ispensky Cathedral was very beautiful inside because it was completely decked out in gold . There is a tomb for Alexander Nevsky , one of the famous , early Russian tsars , inside the Cathedral . It contains his finger . Apparently people chopped up his body and distributed it among the big cities in Russia . I am not remotely surprised . So I got to see the finger of some royal dead guy . We also saw the tomb of another 900 year dead king . Our guide told us to step up on a platform to get a better look at it . I was only minorly surprised to find that the top of the casket was glass , and we could see the decrepit body . It must have been really well preserved because it was 900 years old , but still retained a body shape . Its hand ( missing a couple fingers ) was clutching a giant , gold sword . It was pretty cool . Springtime after Easter is apparently a very popular time in Russia to get married . As I said before , couples in Russia go to famous landmarks in their city to take pictures after their wedding ceremony . On Friday , by the Golden Gate , we saw a grand total of eight wedding parties . You 'd think that it would somewhat ruin the experience , to have three other brides in the background of your wedding photos , but I guess it 's tough luck . We saw one wedding party taking jumping action shots off a hill . Anyway , Fridays in Vladimir have become hellish days to be in a car or a bus , because there is a lot of traffic due to these caravan wedding parties everywhere . On Saturday Erin 's tutor found out that a free movie was going to happen that night . Emily , Sarah , Erin , and I all invited our Russian friend Misha as well , and went . The building where the movie was played looked like an abandoned hospital . We got there rather early , and a " concert " was still in full swing . They let us sit in on the concert while we waited for the film to start . We are still unsure what the heck it was , because the " concert " consisted of one man , who was wearing a flashy gold shirt , singing , reading excerpts of his books , and showcasing magazines . We were the youngest people there , apart from a boy in front of us , who was playing a game on a gameboy - type thing . Emily and I spent most of the time watching the kid 's game . So did his father . Finally , the Renaissance man finished ( late , naturally ) , and they started playing the movie . The movie was an old Russian comedy , which had a strong resemblance to " Bill and Ted 's Excellent Adventure . " In the movie , a geeky - looking man built a machine that melted his wall , and revealed Russia hundreds of years ago . Of course , the tsar got stuck in present time , and two people from the present time got stuck in the tsar 's time . It was absolutely hilarious , because it was so strange . There were lots of cat moments also , because it wouldn 't be Russia if there weren 't cats in every aspect of life . Speaking of cats , Zosya is just as bizarre as ever . She likes to claw the bathroom door open in the morning while I 'm doing my make - up . Then she sticks only her head in , meows loudly , and then leaves . It has become a daily ritual . The other day , I was reading in bed , and she came in and jumped up on the bed . I was too lazy to make her go away , so I said , " Ok fine you can stay . I 'm allergic to you though , so just don 't come near my face . " Of course , she immediately smashed her face into mine , and began rubbing it all over my nose . Thank you , devil cat . This morning , Tanya brought Zosya into the kitchen , and she looked very wide - eyed and innocent . I thought , " Aww you 're actually cute today . " Five minutes later , when everyone had forgotten about her , I looked over and saw her glaring at everyone evilly , with an expression on her face that appeared to be , " I will terminate you all . " This afternoon , I got the first healthy food I have ever gotten at home . Iya came into my room and asked which would I rather have on my salad , oil , mayonnaise , or sour cream ? I immediately sprinted into the kitchen , telling her that I didn 't want ANYTHING on my salad . She didn 't understand , and kept trying to put globs of mayonnaise on my beautiful , healthy salad . I literally had to guard the bowl with my body to keep the mayonnaise out . I won . Right now Volodya is disassembling his couch . I don 't know why . The living room ( which I call " Volodya 's space " ) is a mess . He is humming gleefully to himself , while prying nails out of the couch . The other day , Iya wasn 't home when I returned , so Volodya served me dinner . He set out my tea , potatoes , and meat , then began wiggling his hips and swirling his wooden spoon in the air , and asked me if I " required " anything else . When I said no , he informed me that his bath was ready , and he was " Going to go swimming now . " When he finishes baths , he likes to wrap a towel around his head , like women do to dry their hair . Except Volodya doesn 't have much hair , so he looks ridiculous . On the same drive , we saw , at the very least , thirty bonfires outside people 's houses . People were throwing their things into these fires . We continued to see them throughout the weekend , all over the place . When I asked a Russian friend why they were doing this , he replied , " Oh people burn the grass , so that new grass can grow better . " In the past two weeks I have seen not one , not two , but four machine guns out in the open . One of the guys who had one was an average Joe . Sun 's out , guns out boys . We are all slowly losing our English . Innocent sentences such as , " I feel gross today " have been warped to " I feel myself grossly today . " To be fair , that would be the literal translation for how you would say that in Russian . It has also gotten extremely hard to write in one language . Oftentimes I combine letters from both languages , and then honestly can 't figure out which language I was going for . There is a show on TV called , " Let 's Get Married . " A man or woman goes on the show and meets with three bachelors or bachelorettes . At the end , the man or woman chooses one of three . They get married . There is another show on TV that is a skewed version of " Wheel of Fortune . " The show involves very little spelling , and the guests all sing to the host . We haven 't figured out what the point of the show is yet , but most of the prizes are things like onions , and the contestants seem ecstatic to win them . Many Russians wear T - shirts with English writing on them . Many Russians have no idea what these T - shirts mean . I will not list examples , because they are all very inappropriate . My Russian friend told us that Moscow was very safe during the Soviet Union . He also told us that Vladimir was " like a mini Soviet Union . " We have no idea what he was talking about . When the Polish plane crash happened this weekend , I was watching the news with my host family . I asked my host mom lots of questions about it because I wanted to know details about it . Her response to all of my questions was , " It 's because of the War . " What the WHAT are you talking about ? Speaking of which , EVERYTHING is about " The War " here . " The War " is WWII . Russians will all tell you that they were immensely important in the war , and America helped too . Everyone else put in an inadequate effort . The Russian Orthodox Church celebrates Easter for a week . Russians all make what we named , " Jesus Cakes , " because they often write " Jesus " on them . They make at least seven of them . Russians tell us that these cakes are made out of a special bread that lasts seven days . It does not . By the end of the week , these cakes could have been used as weapons . In the afternoon on Easter Sunday priests , monks , and nuns come out of the Cathedral and Monestary and give sermons at the Golden Gate . They then have a procession back to the Cathedral or Monestary . Jeff , Emily , and I saw the Monestary procession . They started at the Golden Gate , but the military messed it up because they were marching too fast for the old priests . One priest came tearing out of the Gate yelling , " STOP ! STOP , STOP . " He halted the procession and they had to start again . We watched the parade file out , and then we all followed them into the Monestary . Then we left . We went to another club for Erin 's birthday . This one was much more crowded than the previous one we had gone to for Emily 's birthday . It turned out to be quite interesting . There was one guy wearing aviators the whole time , accompanied by jeans and a sweater . I named him Maverick . The whole night I kept thinking of hilarious Top Gun jokes . For example , when Jeff asked , " Where did Maverick go ? " I replied , " He 's on the highway to the danger zone , man ! " He came back in no time , and fervently began dancing AT people . He failed to land anywhere . Another guy , who looked like a heavyweight wrestler , stood by the bar alone all night , and repeatedly punched the air . He was obviously trying to raise the roof . It looked like he had seen too many episodes of Jersey Shore . Meanwhile , the DJ was playing strange English techno . My favorite song was one that repeated the lyrics , " Don 't be shy , it 's Halloween " over and over again . Yesterday , Tania ( my host mother 's granddaughter ) had a dance recital . We were extremely late , so Olya drove like a bat out of hell , two blocks down the road . We arrived five minutes before the show started , and Tania was supposed to have been there an hour before the show . Olya parked , threw the keys at Iya , and took off running toward the dressing rooms after Tania . Meanwhile , I saw the first attractive man that I 've seen in Russia . Sadly , this was the man Iya threw the car keys at , while yelling , " YOUNG MAN CLOSE MY CAR . " While the poor soul showed Iya how to lock the car , I walked off , pretending that I didn 't know Iya . Meanwhile Volodya ( wearing jeans and a jeans jacket ) was wondering off giggling to himself about God only knows what . Once inside the theater , Volodya and I were assigned the task of finding seats . We saw some in the middle of one of the rows , so we squeezed our way past people to get there . The lady promptly informed us that the seats were reserved . Volodya demanded to know why , and she replied that she was saving them for her son and husband . Volodya vehemently said , " I don 't care ! " And sat down . While she started yelling at him , I started easing my way back out of the row . Volodya finally followed me , and marched straight up to one of the ushers , saying , " This is your job isn 't it ? Good , I can 't find seats . " The lady pointed out the two seats we had just tried . " I already tried there ! " bellowed Volodya . Finally , the usher opened the balcony for us . Volodya shoved me through the door , hurting a small child in the process . We finally found seats just as the performance was starting . The performance was very interesting , and Tania danced very well . However , Iya kicked me out at intermission , despite my protests that I wanted to stay . She promptly told me that I couldn 't stay , and dragged me out of the auditorium . She led me outside , and said , " There 's your bus , go ! " before heading back into the theater . I still don 't understand . Last Sunday , we met several Russian university students at a round table discussion . One of them , Misha ( short for the name Mikhail ) , called me and offered to give me a tour of Vladimir State University one day after school . Emily , Erin , Courtney , and I all went , assuming that we would simply have a tour of the campus . We were wrong . Misha brought us to a Journalism class , which was bizarre because he isn 't even in that department . The teacher and her students were delighted to see real live Americans . They asked us who we were , and whether or not we liked Vladimir . Without further ado , the teacher popped in a video , and made us watch several short films , none of which remotely related to journalism , or anything for that matter . The first of these short films , depicted a bunch of women walking together in a line . The camera only showed their naked legs , all wearing high heels , model - walking in a dance studio , to the song " I 'm Pretty Fly for a White Guy . " The second short video showed a bunch of cats in slow motion . My favorite of all of these , however , was a video that showed clips of Putin , to the song " I 'm Too Sexy . " It also showed a man who had painted Putin 's face on his leather jacket . Reflecting on this , we probably should not have been surprised . After they finished asking questions , Misha told us that all the dorms of the university were competing in a battle of the bands that night . Naturally , we had to go . Misha himself was playing in the competition with his band . We heard them warming up before the competition started , and we all thought , " Oh no , they suck , now we 're going to have to lie to his face , and tell him they were great . " Shortly after , the concert started , and it was absolutely hilarious . There were three rounds , and each dorm had a band or singer represent them in each round . One dorm sent one guy up every single time . He changed into a new sparkling , shiny shirt each time , and sang pop songs in front of American - idol style flashing lights . He sang one song in English , the lyrics being , " Love and emotions make me so tender , give it to me in sweet surrender . " Two girls , clad in " dresses " that hid absolutely nothing , got up on stage and sang a pop song . One of the girls couldn 't sing her way out of a paper bag , but she thought that she was Mariah Carey , and sang the " Oohs " with oomph . We couldn 't believe her friends actually allowed her to think she could sing like that in front of hundreds of people . One girl sang a song from the movie " A Walk to Remember , " and she was actually very good , but I could have done without the Walk to Remember montage she played . In the end , Misha and his group got up , and we all thought , " Oh Lord here we go … " They turned out to be absolutely amazing . I want the song they played on my iPod . It should be noted that Russians , especially women , are very preoccupied with love and marriage . When I first told my host mother that I have a boyfriend in America , she said something to the tune of , " Oh wonderful , you 're on the right track . " She demanded to see pictures , and when I showed her one of him , she said , " He 's tall . He 'll make a good husband . " I tried to explain to her that twenty - year - olds in America don 't think about things like that , and she looked at me like I was off my rocker . There are many superstitions in Russia about marriage as well . If you break certain rules , it means that you won 't be married for another ten years , which is catastrophic here . When Iya 's sister came over for the first time , she told me , " You 're very beautiful . You 'll find a good husband . " Young women , as well as the old are like this as well . We spoke to sixteen - year - old girls about the matter , and they were horrified that women in America get married as late as thirty . I told them that my aunt was only just getting married for the first time at the age of forty - four , and their eyes got really wide , as they said , " What did she do wrong ? " It is yet another reason why Russian culture is so different from American culture . We have a folklore class every other Tuesday where we sing songs and learn Russian dances and games . The other day we played a game involving flowers , which is meant for Russian children . If your flower is chosen , and you don 't answer fast enough , then it is required for you to take off something you 're wearing . I am not kidding , children play this game in Russia . Most people in our group took off watches , but Jeff was forced to take off his belt because he didn 't have a watch . Apparently strip games are not only for adults in Russia . I should not have been surprised . We experienced Russian clubs for the first time this weekend . We went to two different ones . The first club played a lot of Russian techno music , with the exception of Lady Gaga , which the club played especially for Emily 's birthday . There was a brief period in the first club where all of the power went off right after we first got up to dance . We all joked that we were so bad at dancing that the system just shut down in protest . The second club was really big and really expensive . They played only English techno , and there were way more guys than girls . It was a sausage fest . The guys weren 't remotely interested in dancing with girls because they were all too busy busting out by themselves . It was a bunch of guys in beaters and jeans acting like they were in the movie Step Up . It was absolutely hilarious . I saw my first Russian bar fight in the classiest bar I 've been to yet here . A tall , gangly guy with an arguile vest literally kicked some guy out the door because he was too drunk . The guy came in again , so the innocent looking waiter kicked him out again . And I mean , he literally raised his foot and kicked this guy in the back . After the guy fell out the door , the waiter ( I swear to God ) did a superman dive out the door on top of this guy and started beating him to a pulp . Afterwards the waiter came inside and called an ambulance because there was so much blood poring out of the guy 's head . Meanwhile I was the ONLY ONE who saw any of this happen . Everyone else in my group was too deeply immersed in conversation to hear me saying , " Guys did you see that ? ? " It was crazy . I also went to Globus , which is the Russian equivalent of Costco ( which is like Sam 's Club for those of you who don 't have Costco ) . Except Globus was way nicer than Costco because it wasn 't in a crappy warehouse with birds flying around everywhere . I honestly felt like I had somehow passed through a portal to America , because absolutely nothing in Vladimir looks like this . It had absolutely everything . However , there were several reminders that I was still in Russia . For one , instead of workers looking bored in blue smocks , there were giant mafia - type men in suits with earpieces , standing still and staring at everyone . There were also too many people walking around with whole fish for it to be America . In America , most of our fish can be bought pre - gutted and without their heads . The idea is laughable in Russia . The Globus symbol is also too creepy . It is a smiley face , but one eye is a globe . It looks like it should be a villain in a James Bond movie because the globe looks more like a diamond . It is particularly eerie . I remember before I came to Russia , one of my friends told me that Russians make crazy remixes of American songs , and play them in clubs . Today I found out that Russians do not limit their remixes to American songs , but ANYTHING American . And I mean anything . Today , a couple of us were in " Whiskey Pub , " a popular bar / nightclub , when all of a sudden we heard George Bush 's voice speaking over techno music . That 's right , I kid you not , I heard a remix to George Bush 's " We got Saddam Hussein " speech . The next morning we woke up and talked about how nice Dima was , and we all agreed that he was the nicest man we had ever met . This led to the thought that he probably robbed us all blind . Thankfully , he didn 't . He came into our room later to give all the girls in our group roses because it was International Women 's Day . It is traditional for people to give all the women they know presents , but it was really nice of him to think of us also since we had known him for all of a day . It was officially the first flower a man has ever voluntarily given me ( the only one I 've ever gotten before was from my prom date , where its obligatory to give your date a corsage ) . He even gave me two because he saw that my first one was slightly drooping , and he thought I needed a new one , despite my telling him that it was fine . After that Misha , Dima , and Christina made us all breakfast , and videotaped us . Misha asked us a million questions that he recorded on his video camera , and then he would randomly want us to throw our hands in the air , and yell " Whoo ! " It was all very weird . Emily , Erin , and I went to go find the famous statue of Peter the Great , a . k . a the Bronze Horseman , that Pushkin wrote about . It was not nearly as exciting as we thought it would be . The statue a ways away from it was more interesting because it was a bust of a Stalin - look - alike with a camel sitting under it . We could not for the life of us figure out what it was supposed to be . But , naturally , we all took pictures riding the camel . God had blessed us with the gift of Pizza Hut close to our hostel , so after we wondered around the park we went there to buy AMERICAN pizzas ( as opposed to the Russian version of pizza , which involve way too much cabbage ) for the train ride back to Vladimir . We went inside and were immediately greeted by the cash register , which told us " WE LOVE YOU ! ! ! ! ! " No , no - Pizza Hut , we love YOU . Erin ordered a whole pizza for herself , but Emily and I decided to order one large pizza that we would share with the rest of our group . We sat down to wait at the " waiting area , " which had a pitcher full of nasty gas water for our enjoyment . In Russia you have to differentiate between water with or without " gas , " which is the Russian way of saying sparkling water . When we finally got our pizzas Emily and I realized that our pizza wasn 't big enough for us and Jeff and Courtney . We decided that we didn 't want to share after all , so we ordered another pizza for them . The restaurant must have thought we were so bizarre because after we ordered our third pizza , we began to eat our to - go pizzas in the restaurant . When we finally got our third pizza , we had to sprint back to the hostel because we were running late for our train . In order to make our train , we had to power walk through the city . Naturally we were all thinking very violent thoughts toward all the slow - walkers of Saint Petersburg who were strolling leisurely in our way . Of course it also began to snow violently along the way . But it turned out all right because we made our train with five minutes to spare . The train ride was mostly non eventful , but at around 11 : 30 I was awoken by a member of the militsia ( Russian police ) smacking me with his folder . It was extremely frightening because generally when foreigners are confronted by the militsia , it is not for a good reason . They usually want to find a way to prove we 're here illegally if we don 't bribe them . So , naturally , I was like oh no , here we go . I couldn 't understand what he was saying , but I heard " purse " and " ticket " a lot so I decided he wanted me to get my ticket out of my purse , but when I looked up again he was walking away . It turned out that he simply wanted me to put my purse in a safer place so it wouldn 't be stolen . It was very nice of him , but I wish he hadn 't hit me repeatedly . We got into Vladimir at 5 am . We stood around waiting for a bus until 5 : 45 . It was cold . I went home and slept until 7 : 30 when I had to get up and go to school . It was a hell of a day , but it was totally worth it . I absolutely loved Saint Petersburg , but I wish I could have spoken more Russian there because , like Moscow , they speak too much English . Many people actually assumed I was French and started speaking French to me . St . Petersburg was also super European , and not remotely Russian . I am very glad I am studying in Vladimir for the semester because I am getting a real Russian experience . |
Last post of the day , I promise ! There were just too many stories to share and I blog for myself as much as anyone else . Heath and I sort of have a Halloween tradition . We don 't do it every year but it 's fun when we do . We watch an appropriate Halloween movie on Halloween night like Unbreakable , Alfred Hitchcock 's Rebecca , The Village , etc . You get the idea . Well , last night Heath had the brilliant idea of buying Just Like Heaven to watch tonight . It 's a romantic comedy set in San Francisco with sort of a ghost theme . I love that movie and have been wanting to watch it for a while now . Heath had a bunch of coupons that he needed to use at Best Buy before they expire next month . He bought the movie and a computer game upgrade for $ 5 . You can 't complain there ! I was almost finished putting the boys to bed when Heath called up to me that he was leaving . We told each other that we loved each other ( like we always do when one of us leaves ) and I told him to be careful ( something I used to say a lot but haven 't for a long time ) . I had read the story and sang the songs . Some nights I spend a little time talking about what we will do the next day and some nights I just leave right after the routine . This time I stayed to tell Gavin about how the next day was Halloween . I didn 't want to promise he could go trick or treating in case Heath changes his mind . But I talked about the fun of Halloween for a second . Then I leaned over to kiss Gavin goodnight when the floor started shaking . At first I thought Parker was jumping or something but I looked over and he was calmly laying in bed . I knew then it was an earthquake . I didn 't want my kids to get nervous so I sank to my knees and held onto both of their beds ( not for my support but to seem like I was there for both of them ) and I kept repeating , " It 's ok , it 's ok . " They didn 't seem to really even know anything out of the ordinary was going on . But my heart was pounding out of my chest . I have experienced earthquakes before but that was a very strange one . Nothing rattled on thPosted by Yesterday Heath took the day off to go with me for another ultrasound . This one was a fetal echo cardiogram - basically an ultrasound that focuses on the heart . I had one done with Parker at Primary Children 's Hospital . ( My obstetrician only mentioned the test once when I was pregnant with Gavin so I never had it done and I was later yelled at about it after Gavin was delivered . That was the last straw so I chose a perinatologist for my next pregnancy ! ) It was very interesting and the doctor gave me a diagram after he used it to explain how the heart works . It was a good experience . My experience yesterday was a little different . I have literally never been that bored in my entire life ! ! ! The technician explained that the whole exam would last about an hour or an hour and 15 minutes . I was told to expect that when I scheduled the appointment . But then he never turned the monitor for me to see . I wasn 't upset because there really isn 't much to look at . As Heath said , it 's the heart . With the anatomy ultrasound Heath would try to guess if it was a foot they were looking at or whatever but this was just the heart . Not really that exciting when you think about it . The technician apologized for being so quiet . He said he was busy concentrating and wasn 't going to small talk with us . That was fine . We just wanted him to do his job . But it was mind numbingly boring ! I wanted to jump off the table and run around like a little kid ! I was a little jealous of Heath , who could at least read an entire magazine . He was afraid I was upset with him for not acting more interested in every possible angle of our baby 's heart . I wasn 't upset . I entertained myself with the gum I was chewing , the holes in the ceiling and whether or not they looked like pictures , and the patterns the t - bars made in the drop ceiling . That did hold my attention for a decent amount of time since we were going to install a drop ceiling in our basement office but then we moved instead . By the end my feet were starting to fall asleep , my rear end was numb , anPosted by Here are the pictures from the Trunk or Treat on Saturday . This is a picture to illustrate the amount of people who came . It was a successful and fun party but I must admit I had a mini panic attack every time I walked in the gym . I barely know people in our ward so to have people from the whole stake there dressed up so you can 't even recognize them . . . well , like I said it was a mini panic attack every time I was in the building . We spent a lot of time outside " getting air . " It was hot in the building and refreshing outside . This is Parker in the Primary Room where they had the cake walk . This picture freaks me out because it looks like Gavin only with chubby cheeks . It 's amazing how much these boys look alike sometimes . It 's tradition that a local photographer sets up a cute backdrop for pictures every year . He has a digital camera connected to a computer so his wife or daughter ( whoever is with him at the time ) prints the picture as soon as he takes it and she hands it to you as you walk off the set . All free of charge . His wife told me it was their treat to the people who go to the Trunk or Treat . So this is our themed picture - Parker the dragon , the princess in the tower on my belly , and Gavin the knight . Linda 's huband ( I don 't remember his name ) and their two kids - Baby Lucas and Nicholas , Janelle 's husband Stephen and Tori , Lori 's husband ( who is full blooded , born and raised in China , Chinese who won best costume for being Uncle Sam ! ! ! ) and their kids - Baby Alexander , Abraham , and Annabelle , and my Gavin . Heath didn 't want to be in the picture . Parker was asleep in the car at this point . My Park Day friends - Linda , Janelle , Lori ( clown costume ) , me , and all our kids ( minus Parker ) President Bird participating in the pie eating contest . He is a member of the Stake Presidency . Becky , I can e - mail you the rest of the pictures Heath took of the carnival signs . But you get the idea . Nice signs that people put a lot of effort into . They were the complete opposite of the signs we had the youth make last yearPosted by This weekend was packed full of stories . Heath called me around 4 pm on Friday to say he was coming home . I was grinning like a lovestruck teenager ! I was so excited to see my honey for the weekend . He called again later and I assumed it was the call where he signaled he was in Castro Valley and it was time to leave to get him . But the phone kept ringing . Our signal is two rings and he hangs up . So I answered and he said he was minutes away from a BART train . I was sort of surprised that he hadn 't gotten on a train yet . But he asked me to bring something when I picked him up . It was really noisy so it was hard to hear what he said . He repeated it and I thought I heard base . I thought base to what ? Then he pronounced the word vase the snooty way ( voz ) and I got it . I blurted out , " What did you do ? Did you get me flowers ? " He said that he had picked up six roses for me . I melted . Heath knows I love getting roses and he surprises me with them periodically . I was so excited . How wonderful to pick him up at the BART station with him holding the roses . I felt like I had the whole package - successful , handsome husband , cute kids , and I felt pretty just looking at those flowers . They were a bright pink . The first time I have received that color . They smelled so good too . They are now drying on the back of our bedroom door . Sometimes roses last more than a week and sometimes they only last a couple of days before they start dropping their heads . But I love them for as long as they last . I was a little sad to have to throw away all of the many different dried roses we had scattered all over our house before we moved to CA . Heath took pictures of all of them before throwing them out . Based on the color and the vase they were stored in I remembered when he gave them to me . So at least I have the pictures to remind me . Do I have the best husband or what ? The next big story of our weekend was Heath bought a car ! We had been talking about it for quite a while and Heath went back and forth trying to pick the most fuel efficient Posted by For at least the last week Gavin has been waking me up in the middle of the night because he had a bad dream . I don 't mind running to the rescue of my children when they really need it but it was becoming a bad habit . Gavin would cry a little and I would think , " Just go back to sleep . " It would get quiet for 30 seconds and then I would hear , " Mommy ! " So out of bed I would stumble . Not an easy task since my belly makes it difficult to move while I 'm lying down . Plus , I am imprisoned in bed by a king size pillow on either side of me to keep me from lying flat on my back while I sleep ( the baby doesn 't get enough oxygen with the mother flat on her back ) . I 'm sure it 's pretty funny to watch me heave myself over all these obstacles to comfort a child in the middle of the night . Now when something is really terrifying Gavin it 's amazing how my adrenaline can shoot me out of bed like a rocket , over the baby gate in our doorway , down the hall and into the boys ' room , with Gavin in my arms in 2 seconds flat ! But like I said , these night wakenings are becoming a bad habit . I go in there and hug Gavin while I lay him back down . Meanwhile he is matter of factly explaining his bizarre dream to me . So I say , " It was just a dream , go back to sleep . Think of something happy and have a happy dream . " The whole exchange takes less than 30 seconds . And then I 'm up for at least an hour . This was going on every night without fail . The final straw was when it happened at 6 : 00 am yesterday morning . I get up for the day at 6 : 30 . I was not happy . My plan all day yesterday was to wait for bedtime and remind Gavin that he can take care of himself without having to wake me up . Last night Heath went to help give priesthood blessings to our friends who have been dealing with illness in their family for a while . There were no more kid friendly shows on the PVR so I switched the TV to the Disney Channel . A cheesy , made for TV movie was playing called Twitches with the Mowry sisters . Heath and I watched it once because it was like a train wreck . WPosted by Before I was a MomI never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby . I didn 't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous . I never thought about immunizations . Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on . Pooped on . Chewed on . Peed on . I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts . I slept all night . Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests . Or give shots . I never looked into teary eyes and cried . I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin . I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep . Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn 't want to put them down . I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn 't stop the hurt . I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much . I never knew that I could love someone so much . I never knew I would love being a Mom . Before I was a Mom - I didn 't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body . I didn 't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby . I didn 't know that bond between a mother and her child . I didn 't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy . Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay . I had never known the warmth , the joy , the love , the heartache , the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom . I didn 't know I was capable of feeling so much , before I was a Mom . I found this as I was copying and pasting old e - mail messages for a scrapbooking project . It was sent to me around Mother 's Day and I 'm sure most of you have seen it already but I wanted to share it because it is so true . Like I said in my blog about love a few weeks ago , I opened my heart when I met Heath . It is strange to finally love people as much as I do . Maybe it 's the pregnancy hormones since I cry at the slightest thing , or maybe it 's because my scrapbooking project is too emotional for me to try to remember which is why I was copying and pasting e - mails about it , or Posted by Grandma sent Gavin 's Halloween costume and we received it yesterday . Thanks Grandma ! Heath decided to do a little photo shoot of the boys in their costumes . I love that Gavin doesn 't know violent words ! In this picture he said he was " swording " the dragon . So cute . Sir Gavin the knight . If you look closely you can see his little toes poking out of the bottom of the boots that cover his feet / shoes . Mom is so much more interesting than Dad . We 'll look at her instead ! The boys are not really as angry as they appear . They are telling us , " No smile ! " My what a cute dragon you are Parker ! This is my favorite picture . No , Parker is not crying because he is a dragon . Heath caught him mid sneeze . What a funny picture . All that is left to do now is make my princess in a tower t - shirt and maybe Heath will find something to wear as well . I 've never done a theme before for Halloween but I think it 's so cute . My new weakness is shopping . I never thought I would enjoy it so much but I do ! Yesterday Janelle and I went shopping for girl stuff . It was a good thing that I had a 20 % off coupon because I spent a lot of money for a little girl not even born yet ! I did save $ 30 so that 's good . I was given another 20 % off coupon for next month . But I think Heath will put his foot down at some point . I don 't need to spend over $ 100 every month at Carter 's . It 's so fun to go in the baby room and see the crib with the pink blankets and the fairy pictures on the wall and the pink and purple clothes in the closet . The boys seem to be pretty excited to have a sister . Gavin told Heath that we bought clothes for his sister last night . I thought that was cute . Parker will kiss my belly unprompted . He 's getting better at kissing my belly and not going too high ! That 's an improvement . Today is very warm . 84 degrees right now ! And Utah got snow on Saturday ! Maybe my kids won 't have to wear coats with their Halloween costumes . That would be nice . I have always been impressed by a child 's vocabulary and creative interpretation of the English language . Gavin 's favorite thing to do is surf Playhouse Disney . One of the activities he loves to do is create a spooky house . Only Gavin calls it a spooky , spooky house . I guess the extra spooky makes the house that much more spooky ! Creative interpretation of superlatives . He also says things like little , little whatever . For example , last night Gavin said he would clean up his toys and do it quickly so he could get a little , little treat . He had already had ice - cream after our family game of football at the park so he didn 't get any more treats no matter how little , little . Parker 's vocabulary is almost too large for me to keep up with . He has very little pronunciation mastery of the words he says . Yet every time I push him on the swings I feel like I am being quizzed and graded on his extensive vocabulary ! He is pretty patient though , saying the same word or phrase over and over until I venture a guess as to what he 's saying ! He usually won 't accept me saying that I don 't know what he just said . I love how Parker repeats a sentence in his own simple 3 - 4 word sentence . It reminds me of a man my mom used to share a back fence with . He had suffered a stroke and communicated in simple 2 - 3 word sentences . I always wondered how he could read full sentences but not be able to express himself that eloquently . It must have been very frustrating for him . I 'm sure it 's frustrating for kids too . They can understand so much more than they are capable of expressing . The other thing that I find interesting is how quickly kids pick up on the " rules " of verbs . It 's amazing considering how many exceptions there are to the rule . But somehow they learn the rule and use it until they figure out the exceptions . Gavin says , " That 's what it dooz . " or " I goed to the playground . " He has always had a good sense of pronouns though . I heard him say something the other day about " somebody and I . " I must say it correctly enough for him to learnPosted by A friend of mine recently said that boys around age 2 and 3 are full of extra sugar or something because they are so sweet . While this is mostly true , yesterday my boys were full of hell 's fury ! It was quickly apparent that they were both tired and in need of a very early bedtime . I made Heath take a cab home so I could have the boys in bed by 7 : 00 . The whole bedtime routine was done around 6 : 45 . They even cleaned up all the toys without too much whining and no help from me . I didn 't feel guilty for a second for sending them to bed before it was completely dark . The only thing that made me feel a little bad was Gavin said , " Dad doesn 't want to see us ? " I just said that Dad was working late and I would have him kiss the boys goodnight when he got home . When Heath went in there I guess Gavin said , " Tomorrow you can pick me up from my BART station ! " I 'm not sure when the boys actually fell asleep but they were in their room for about 12 hours . They woke up well rested and very happy . I wasn 't ready for that much energy this morning but it was ok . I had a brilliant plan for today . I needed to send my mom a check so I had the boys color pictures for her and they helped me put the envelope in the mailbox . Then I had them help me clean their grimy fingerprints off the mirrored closet doors in the bedrooms . They loved that . I don 't know why I never thought to have them help me clean sooner . That 's why you have kids right ? - to do the yardwork and housecleaning ! Just kidding . Now I 'm off to clean bathrooms . I hate that job . I can 't wait until they really can help me with that . I figure I 'll be so tired when I 'm done that I will put on a movie this afternoon and we can eat popcorn . The boys will love it . Some days I 'm more organized than others . It feels like a good mom day today . I went to see my OB today . The baby still seems to be doing just fine . The doctor asked if we were having our kids dress up for Halloween . I told her that this year we were actually doing a theme in our family . I told her how Parker would wear a dragon costume and Gavin would be a knight . And I was going to decorate a plain white maternity t - shirt to have a princess in a tower on my belly . She thought that was the cutest and most creative idea . So there you go Heath . Once again you are a genius ! Speaking of Halloween - a couple of days ago Parker was playing with a cat Halloween decoration . It 's been sitting on the counter ever since I confiscated it from Parker . Heath asked why the cat was sitting on the counter when he noticed it was missing its nose . So I told Heath that Parker was swinging the cat around and dragging it on the tiled entry floor . That was how it lost its nose . I just need to hot glue it back on . Heath was laughing so hard at that story . It was pretty funny . Poor cat . Well , time to do laundry . If I don 't , Heath and I will be going commando tomorrow . Kind of an alluring idea when you 're single ( just kidding ! I have never done that or even seriously thought about it ! ) but when you 've been married as long as we have it 's an image you don 't want to imagine ! Heath and I have been discussing moving the toys out of the play room / baby room - when and how , etc . Last night I was trying to figure out how to get everything to fit in the boys ' room since space is limited with their beds not stacked . I wondered if a shelf they store some toys on in the play room would fit in their bedroom . I moved it this morning and it fits perfectly ! I was able to move their lamp onto the shelf and now you can turn the lamp on by using the light switch . Nice . I started moving in toys and got half the job done . Things were working out perfectly . My only sadness was this morning in the shower I wanted to put a white sheet in the crib but I didn 't have any girl blankets to put in there . We headed off for Janelle 's house to follow her to McDonald 's Playland since it was too rainy to go to the park . She gave me a big pink giftbag in the parking lot . I opened it in McDonald 's . She had given me the sweetest outfit she bought and a blanket she never used with her daughter . I couldn 't believe my good luck ! Not only was she so sweet to give me a gift 4 months before my baby is due but she totally read my mind on the blanket thing ! ! ! I am so excited to finish the job I started this morning with moving toys . I wanted to wait until closer to my mom coming to visit but I just started doing it all this morning . I 'm so excited . I want to look for the pictures I have saved for years hoping to display in a girl 's room . The rain has stopped and the sun is out and the day is looking up . Gavin had an accident right as I wanted to leave McDonald 's and Parker refused to finish his nap when we got home . I told him to eat a sandwich first and then he had to nap . We 'll see what happens but things are looking rosy and pink ! At least to my kids it is . Everything is new and exciting to them . They see different shapes , animals , and objects in their chips and apples all because of how they took a bite . ( Today Parker told me my apple core looked like a hot dog ! ) They play games they made up that I don 't understand and they laugh hysterically while they play . That makes me smile . We had been planning a trip to San Francisco since we moved . Last Saturday we finally did it . Friday was pouring rain in San Francisco but Saturday was sunny and warm . It was the perfect day . I wanted to see the sea lions on the docks at Fisherman 's Wharf . That was a favorite memory from when I visited San Francisco as a teenager . We saw the sea lions a lot as we tried to walk closer to them . Every time the boys heard the barking they knew it was the sea lions and their eyes would get big while Gavin excitedly said , " Sea lions ! " Parker loved them so much he took a nap with a picture of the sea lions on a chocolate wrapper ! Gavin and Parker were so excited to visit San Francisco . I love how Gavin still can 't pronounce it ! He talked about San Francisco the whole drive there on his toy cell phone . I used the blue tooth hands free kit to talk to my mom the whole way there . My uncle had called the night before to invite us to Sacramento for Thanksgiving . He said my mom would be there . I knew my mom wanted to visit in November sometime and she really wanted to come for Thanksgiving but I didn 't know she had actually made plans . When I called her she acted like I shouldn 't have been surprised . But the more we talked the more excited we both got for her to come spend a couple of days with her brother and a couple of days with us . She was even more thrilled when I told her Heath wanted us to take BART into the city so his co - workers could meet me and the boys and then we could all go to lunch together . My mom loves San Francisco and was way happy to help me get my kids on the train . When we got into the city we parked at Heath 's building where he works . That way we could pThe Piquant Storyteller I was going to blog about our trip to San Francisco on Saturday and share pictures but I can 't find where Heath stored the pictures . So I 'll have to save it for tomorrow . This is a sign that I 'm easily amused and I watch too much TV . Yesterday Heath and I watched a couple of Monk episodes we recorded a long time ago . Gavin climbed all over us until he accidentally fell into the bricks in front of the fireplace and scratched his back pretty badly . I held him while he cried and when he stopped crying I kept patting his hair . He soon fell asleep . It was so sweet for him to sleep squished in between Heath and me . Anyway , on one of the Monk episodes Randy was supposed to give Captain Stoddlemeyer ( or however you spell it ) the VIN number on a car . Randy said , " The first letter is T as in tsunami ! " They had a whole argument about that example which was funny . In the middle of it the phone rang and the Captain answered saying , " Whoever this is thank you for calling ! " I laughed so hard at that whole scene . Later Randy was spelling something else for someone and said , " G as in gnome ! " I laughed even more . Heath told me I should practice saying that so the next time I have to spell my name for someone I won 't hesitate to say , " T as in tsunami . " Well , this morning I had my chance but I chickened out . I called to make an appointment to see the opthamologist . The receptionist asked what my name was . I told her and I totally thought of saying the tsunami thing but I didn 't . She asked , " t - a - n ? " and I told her yes . Heath is hilarious . I love listening to him on the phone because he cracks me up so much . He caught RC Willey trying to cheat us on an old bill . He tried to explain that they were asking us to pay what should have been a credit to our account . Of course the person on the other end of the line wouldn 't have that as an explanation . My favorite part was when Heath said , " So where does that money go ? Into the office party pool ? " You had to be there but I was laughing so hard . He delivers these lines so dead pan , straight fPosted by Do you remember that song ? " It 's raining it 's pouring , the old man is snoring . He got out of bed and bumped his head and never got up early in the morning ! " Or something like that . I love the rain . I love the smell of rain . I love the rich colors that I see because everything is wet . I love the sound of rain . When we were stopped at a light today we were under a tree . The tree was dripping a lot on the top of the van which made a cool plunking sound . I love how cozy I feel inside when it 's raining . I wish we had a fire going right now because that would be even more cozy . I want to soak in the tub and listen to the rain but I have a lot to do today and I don 't have time . I love that it 's starting to be the rainy season here . I love that I never have to shovel snow here ! I wish my baby girl was here already so I could snuggle her in her baby smelling blankets and fall asleep holding her watching a movie . But that day will come soon enough . It 's best to just be happy right now . It 's raining . How could I not be happy ? Posted by had one of those days where you just want to scream ? ( sorry Janelle for stealing your blog title ) It 's only 10 : 30 am and I am ready to go back to bed and hopefully go back in time to my childhood when life made more sense and was a lot easier . I hate my insurance company like I have never hated anything before ! They have succeeded in making me look like the biggest idiot to ever walk the face of the earth ! Between myself and Heath we have heard 3 different stories about the same issue of my insurance not covering the test strips I currently use . 3 different stories . I 'm sorry but that is an unacceptable level of incompetence ! What , do they let anybody with a voice get a job there ? In the last month I have been sent on a wild goose chase trying to get my diabetic needs met because the insurance company is not helpful at all ! Heath called to see if they covered BD test strips ( my favorite meter ) and the answer was , " We don 't know . Just run the prescription and find out ! " ( that 's a direct quote . I 'm not making this up ! ) The prescription was rejected . I saw that I had an old Accu - Chek Complete meter . The pharmacy basically made up the prescription for those strips and filled it . However , my meter no longer works . The insurance company won 't send me a new one because they expect me to find one myself . No , they won 't pay for any meter I buy from the pharmacy but they were nice enough to give me 3 different addresses and phone numbers of companies that don 't even sell diabetic supplies ! ! ! After doing our own research we found out that the nearest place we could maybe get what we needed was in Alameda . ( Heath mentioned that it 's amazing how little anyone knows about diabetes and it 's amazing that there are very few diabetic resources anywhere close to where we live ! ) So the prescription for a meter and test strips from my doctor that I had to specially request was no good . We found out last night that nobody even makes Accu - Chek Complete meters anymore . But we were able to get a One Touch Ultra sent to us that should arrPosted by She 's stubborn ! I started out on my back . The technician tried to get every angle she could to see different parts of the baby such as brain , face ( to check for cleft palette ) , fingers , toes , etc . The baby kept her hands in front of her face most of the time like she was hiding . The technician had trouble getting a clear picture of anything . At one point she had me lay on my left side so I was facing away from the computer screen then she had me switch to my right . She would wiggle my belly trying to get the baby to wake up and move into a better position . I think she got good enough pictures and information on what she was checking for . Then the perinatologist came in who also had trouble seeing what she needed to see . But again , I think they were satisfied with what they saw . The baby is measuring perfectly on schedule with my due date . They are 90 % sure it 's a girl . Having seen two boys on ultrasound , Heath and I are much more confident that this is a girl . Of course the doctors would never say they were 100 % sure unless they saw the chromosomes from an amniocentesis . So we 'll plan on this being our little girl even though there is always the chance it could be born a boy . Heath was supposed to be a girl ! So never say never . We 're thrilled , excited , and overwhelmed as we try to let the news settle in our minds . Our children have gotten into a bad habit of disrespecting us . Parker not so much as Gavin but even Parker is now doing it because he likes to do everything Gavin does . So all day I hear , " No Mom , I not want to ! " or some variation of that . Then a great idea came to me . We should have a family home evening about what it means to honor our father and mother as stated in the 10 commandments . After a short lesson about that Heath wrote our boys ' names on separate pieces of paper where they will receive a stamp every time they obey ( criteria being : obey the first time and no complaining ) . If they learn to do that this week we will take them out for ice - cream next week . The moment of truth was when we asked them to clean up their toys . Nothing is more frustrating than having it confirmed that your words went in one ear and fell out the other ! The boys wouldn 't clean up . They didn 't care that they were not getting stamps . That 's the thing . Parker follows Gavin 's lead . Gavin doesn 't care about rewards or punishments . He never has . We have tried everything with that kid . Reverse psychology , rewards , loss of privileges , love and logic , nothing works . The only thing that remotely lit a fire under Gavin last night was when Heath told him he couldn 't play computer games the next day . Were the toys cleaned up ? No . We gave them 15 minutes to clean up and get in pajamas . They were still goofing off when the timer went off . So Heath dressed Gavin and brushed his teeth . Gavin hates that . I refused to change the channel from the news to the shows my kids like to watch this morning . They were supposed to eat breakfast and then clean up toys . As soon as they were done I would let them watch their shows . Parker didn 't eat breakfast or clean up . Gavin ate but didn 't clean up . I got bored of watching the news and then one of my shows from the PVR so I turned the TV off and showered . Long story short , after much effort on my part to be upbeat but make them get the job done , the toys were all cleaned up around 11 : 00 this morning ! I considPosted by We took these pictures of the boys a couple of weeks ago . It was our attempt at a cheap photo shoot . Not too bad . I still like last year 's pictures better when we did the same thing . I just wanted to post these pictures for Grandma because it 's her happy birthday today . Gavin talks about visiting you and Grandpa all the time . I tell him you guys will come after Christmas . He 's way excited . We all hope you have a very happy birthday . We love you ! Last Friday I was frustrated with everything . It seemed like every time I turned around I was hitting a metaphorical wall . Nothing seemed to be working out right . I had called Heath , left a message , and also e - mailed him a text message . I know he 's very busy at work but I just wanted to vent to someone who would understand . Eventually Heath called me back . He told me he was just given a promotion at work with a 20 % pay increase . Wow . I was not expecting that at all ! For the day I had the news felt like a post - it note from the Lord ( a metaphor I heard someone else use about daily miracles ) saying , " Hang in there . Things will get better . I haven 't forgotten you . Don 't forget me . " The rest of the weekend went quickly - as they always do - but it was almost hard to believe the good news was true . Today it is official and they had a big ceremony at work and everything . Heath had a co - worker leave the company for another company where she could learn more . She was always telling Heath she would put in a good word for him to get a promotion . We just never counted on it actually happening . What a pleasant surprise . Heath and I both had our own profound thoughts about the deeper meaning behind the promotion and what an incredible blessing it is . I won 't go into too much detail about Heath 's thoughts because he should be the one to say it . He puts it best . He had an epiphany of sorts about how blessed he has been for not bad mouthing a former employer when he may have wanted to . Working for that company was the hardest months of our married life . But because Heath was an analyst and a trainer he knew the product inside and out . We believe just about every job he has had since then was because he knew that product so well . And now his efforts are being recognized and rewarded . The validation he feels is overwhelming , I 'm sure . All Sunday morning I kept thinking of how blessed we have been , especially recently . I wanted to share my testimony about it since it was Fast and Testimony meeting but I chickened out . I feel like we wPosted by Today I found the box of decorations . I pulled out my meager Halloween decorations and tried to find a place for them . The boys were so excited . They wanted to play with everything . I have a black cat given to me by one of my 6th graders , painted by her mom . It has a long tail that you can stack donuts on for a party . That 's how she presented it to me . At our class Halloween party with several glazed donuts on it . I put the cat in the corner of our very large entry way that is still begging for a bench of some kind ! I put the 3 non matching pumpkins I have in the kitchen window . ( inspired a little by Janelle 's decorations in her kitchen window ) There is a wicker pumpkin that had Hershey 's kisses in it as a handout for a combined Young Men / Young Women lesson about dating and kissing . There is a metal jack - o - lantern with a smile face that I don 't remember how I became the owner of . And I have a plush teddy bear poking his head out of a pumpkin . I think that was a gift from one of my 4th graders . That one I have let the boys play with in past years but I didn 't want to lose it again this year so it 's in the window . I have a spider web frame that hangs on the fridge . It has a picture of Gavin in his dragon costume . I have a witch that I got a long time ago from Oriental Trading . She looks like she flew into the wall ! I think it 's cute but I never know where to put it so it 's actually kind of dumb . It 's on my bed right now until I get up enough nerve to just put a push pin in the wall and hang it up . I just don 't know what to do with the hole when Halloween is over . I also have a large rafia bow with black birds hanging from it that hangs on the door . My mom gave me that one and I love it . Unfortunately , I have no way of hanging it on the front door . This is the first time I have had a wooden front door . So , of course , my magnet door hanger won 't work . Those are all the decorations I have . Sad huh ? Oh wait , I did display the " thankful tree " Parker made in Nursery . It 's made of craft foam and you write on the leaves whaPosted by Today Gavin dressed himself as he always does . However , today he looks his age ! He is wearing an orange superhero shirt with orange ( not the same color orange ) shorts . He looks like a pumpkin . I took a picture but am having trouble figuring out where to insert the card in the computer . Check back later tonight because maybe Heath can help me get the picture up . As I looked at my fashion conscious 4 year old I was reminded of a chapter in The Diaper Diaries by Cynthia L . Copeland . I would like to quote the book a little if I may . The chapter is called Projecting the Future . It talks about how so many moms overanalyze their babies . For example : The Baby Trait : The baby is not afraid of strangers . Your Projection : She will be the next Katie Couric or Barbara Walters , an engaging and popular television personality . More Likely : She will be voted Best Wal - Mart Greeter by the other store employees . The Baby Trait : The baby is not afraid of getting his shots at the pediatrician 's office . Your Projection : He will be like Dr . Jonas Salk , who developed the polio vaccine . More Likely : He will be a tattoo artist in Atlantic City . The Baby Trait : The baby bangs his spoon on the high chair tray . Your Projection : He will be a famous drummer like Buddy Rich . More Likely : He will be the annoying guy in every meeting who gets bored and starts tapping his pencil on the table . I don 't know what Gavin 's fashion choices say about his future but I 'm sure it doesn 't mean he will develop his own fashion line like Tommy Hilfiger or Mossimo ! In no particular order . 10 . You 're fine when your baby / child poops or pukes on you ! 9 . When something is broken your first reaction is not , " Oh , expletive , that was my favorite ! " but rather , " What happened ? Was anyone hurt ? " 8 . You can be dead asleep , hear your child scream in the night , and get there in less than 2 seconds . 7 . Your child is dressed cuter than you ( if you got dressed at all ) and you 're ok with it . 6 . You find yourself singing along to your child 's favorite TV show . 5 . Jewelry is only worn on " date night . " 4 . You barely remember what warm food tastes like because you are so busy getting everyone else fed first . 3 . You eat goldfish crackers and fruit snacks on a daily basis . 2 . You rarely read anything more complicated than 8 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed . 1 . Every phone conversation is punctuated with , " Get off your brother ! " , " Don 't put your finger in the power outlet ! " , and " Just a second and Mommy will get you juice ! " Last week at Park Day I heard the comment , " When your kids get older things change . I get my emotional fulfillment from my kids now so I don 't miss my husband as much or worry as much about something bad happening to him . " I had walked in late to the conversation so I 'm not sure how they got to talking about that in the first place or really what she meant by it . The comment made me skeptical though . Will I ever get to a point in my life when my heart doesn 't just ache when Heath is on a business trip ? Will I really not think that he must be splattered on the road somewhere , when he 's late and I haven 't heard from him , as often as I do now ? Then I got to thinking of what a powerful emotion love is . These are random thoughts so I hope it makes sense . Love gives me a reason to get up in the morning when I would rather sleep my life away . Love makes me take care of myself . Love makes me miss my kids when I couldn 't be there to put them to bed . I try to talk myself out of going in to steal a kiss ( I 'll see them in the morning , I tell myself ) but I never succeed . I have to see them or my heart will burst . Love has made me do things I would never do otherwise . Like the taste of celery , love defies description . It 's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all . ( Will Smith in MIB ) Try it ! ( Tommy Lee Jones in MIB ) I have never truly loved and lost but I imagine it 's as hard as Tommy Lee Jones ' character implied . Whoever said love is blind is dead wrong . Love is the only thing that lets us see each other with the remotest accuracy . ( Martha Beck ) Since I have found Heath I am now following the advice to love as though I will never get hurt . It 's scary but exhilirating and very rewarding . Heath 's Aunt Chris visited us yesterday . She was in California for a conference . My heart went out to her because she is going to school in Chicago while her husband lives in Nebraska . She said it 's a 3 year program . Of course she sees her husband on school breaks and in the summer but I was impressed with both of their sacPosted by |
I 'm not really sure where to start . I never thought I 'd be writing a letter to my future self , but I suppose now is as good a time as any to do so . I know you 're going through a lot of things right now , and that 2015 wasn 't nearly the year you expected it to be , but you 've learned a lesson : never expect something to be a certain way , because you can 't predict the future . That 's a pretty important lesson to learn , and hey , it only took you 28 years . You 're such a strong person , self , and I 'm allowed to say that because I AM you . I know you don 't feel that way now , and it 's perfectly okay to feel that way . Honestly , your life is kind of a disaster right now … but you 're working on it , and that 's what really matters , because sometimes the best you can do is try . I know you 're scared about life right now , but I also happen to know that you have so much going for you that you don 't need to be scared . You 've got a good head on your shoulders , and while it isn 't always smart about men , it is smart about all of the other things in life . I know you keep that picture on your phone that compares having anxiety to that moment right before a chair tips over , but the chair never tips . I want you to know that it 's okay to feel that way . It 's also okay to deal with it in your own way . It 's okay to be antisocial . It 's okay to cry . It 's okay to hide under a blanket and listen to Adele on repeat . It 's okay to let your heart be broken and not know what to do about it . It 's okay to feel alone , but in the end , you have to realize that you 're not alone at all . Lastly , I know you always think everyone else has their life together , but I 've come to the conclusion that nobody actually has their life together , and it 's okay if you don 't either . Think about it : how many people in the world who are your age have actually taken the time to figure out who they really are as a person and not just succumbed to the societal expectations that have become the norm ? Not too many . So don 't feLeave a comment » I didn 't know what a mental illness was until I was almost 10 years old . I didn 't start to fully understand the concept until I was 17 . I wasn 't diagnosed until I was 23 . Growing up , I had a relatively normal childhood . I don 't remember anything out of the ordinary happening until I was 8 or 9 . It had to do with one of my brothers ; [ I won 't go into detail yet , because one of the upcoming posts will be dedicated to that story , and I want to be able to give it the attention it deserves ] . To keep it short yet still give you the main idea , my brother was diagnosed as Manic Bipolar , then later as Manic Bipolar / Borderline Schizophrenic . I didn 't know what either of those things were , and that meant I didn 't know what they entailed or how to deal with them , so I did what my parents told me to do : " Don 't make him mad " , " Just stay out of his way " , " Just leave him alone " . Those guidelines worked for the most part , and I was able to escape my middle school / high school years relatively unaffected by the stigma of my brothers mental illness . In general , I 've found that when dealing with something unknown , you 're usually afraid of it , and sometimes , when it comes to sharing it with others , that fear of sharing something unknown with someone else can quickly turn to embarrassment . A few of my close friends knew about my brother , and asked about him , but I always covered it up with " It 's genetic - he gets it from his dad 's side " ( we have different dads ) in the hope that they wouldn 't think it was contagious and be able to catch it if I sneezed around them or whatever . I wasn 't aware of it at the time , but the truth is , depression and bipolar disorder are genetic from both sides of our family ( both parents - our mom and his dad ) . I 'm going to move on with the story , but first I need to fill you in on the Cycle of Depression , otherwise the next half of my story will make little to no sense . I 'll try to keep it short and sweet . Bear with me if you will . Major Depressive Episode : Can last as short as 2 weeks , though most episodes may last 6 months or more . In this stage , five or more of the signs and symptoms of depression will be experienced . This stage is the key part of the depressive cycle because it differentiates diagnosis between Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar Disorder . Those with MDD will revert back to stasis , while those with Bipolar Disorder will experience an additional cycle stage : The Manic Stage . This part of the cycle is characterized by extremely outgoing social behaviors , often together with feelings of invincibility and euphoria . Return to Stasis : This final stage is simply the individual returning to a steady emotional / mood state . This can be caused by a life change or medication . It may last a few week ( depending on the type of depression ) or for life . I 'm not sure how old I was when I started the Asymptomatic Stage of my depression ; I imagine it was some time after I was sexually assaulted . I showed a few signs of the minor depressive stage ( mostly insomnia and lack of interest ) , but I went to weekly group therapy and the signs diminished quickly . I stayed in the asymptomatic stage for almost 4 years , until my marriage dissolved . The Minor Depressive Stage started after my ex - husband and I separated . I was a 22 year old girl who was terrified of being alone , completely afraid of everything , and had no idea what she wanted , so of course I jumped right into a new relationship . I took no time to adjust to who I had become , and no time to deal with what had happened . A few weeks into the new relationship , I experienced a miscarriage . I never knew I was pregnant . I wasn 't even remotely aware of how to deal with that type of loss , so I didn 't . I pushed it to the way back of my mind . And that pushed me into the next stage of the cycle . When you don 't know the cycles of depression and can 't explain to anyone else what you 're going through , it 's overwhelming . Have you ever looked into a well or a really deep pool and imagined diving in and sinking deeper and deeper until you touch the bottom ? Depression is like that , except you don 't dive , you fall ; and you sink and sink and sink and think you have the strength to swim , but you don 't . You think for a brief moment you 'll be okay if you can just reach your arm to the top - someone will grab your hand and save you ; but your arm won 't move and you don 't know whose hand you can trust . Depression is like drowning in a pool surrounded by people . My major depressive stage lasted for almost 9 months . [ I never realized until exactly this moment that it lasted for 9 months . Have you ever forgotten a traumatic moment in your life , only to subconsciously recall it ? The breaking point of my major depressive stage happened right around the time I would have given birth . Funny how the body works . ] It started with me not getting off the couch on my days off . I wouldn 't shower and I 'd live in sweatpants . Then I had terrible mood swings . I 'd love , hate , scream , fight , and cry all in the timeframe of an hour . Then I became suicidal . While driving , I 'd think nobody would miss me if I drove my car off the road . It wouldn 't happen just once , either . It happened every time I drove somewhere . Then I 'd stand at the kitchen sink while doing dishes and hold a serrated knife to my wrist . I 'd hold it so close that I could feel my pulse beat against the blade . My ex almost caught me doing this once . I don 't know what he would 've said or done . A few days later , after my ex left for work , I swallowed a handful of over - the - counter sleeping pills . There were maybe 10 or 12 there . I don 't know what I thought would happen . I took them then laid on the couch . It didn 't take long until I started to throw a bunch of them up . I could barely make it to the bed to lay down . I was still there when my ex came back . He tried to talk to me , but I was barely lucid . I hallucinated every time I opened my eyes . I slurred answers to him while watching huge ants crawling all over him and the bed . I don 't remember how long I was like that , but when I woke up it was still the same day . The next day when he came home from work , I asked him to take me for help . He refused , so I begged . He begrudgingly took me to an emergency prevention center . I saw a doctor , but because I was scared I didn 't tell him about the sleeping pills the day before . When he asked if I had a plan to kill myself I said no , but they were all there in the back of my mind . Drive my car off the road . Slit my wrist . Overdose . He determined I wasn 't an immediate danger to myself or others , prescribed Paxil for me , and sent me home . The first time I took Paxil , I was playing Plants vs Zombies on our laptop . I finished a level , then the next thing I knew my ex was shaking me , asking if I was okay . I said Yeah , why ? And he said that I 'd been staring at the same spot on the wall for half an hour . I found out later that this was a form of a seizure caused by the medication . I tried to stay positive . We made it through Christmas without drama . New Years Eve rolled around , and we had a huge fight because he wanted me to go to a party at his friends house ( who I hated ) , and I wanted to go to a party with his brother . We made up , but our relationship never really recovered . That fight was the next to last straw that broke the camels back . We managed to make it through a week long vacation with my parents during the first week of January . In mid - January , I scheduled a surgery that helps control my endometriosis . He was supposed to drive me to the hospital , but he " couldn 't leave work " even though he had managed to take a whole day off a few months prior so he could stand in line at the Apple store for the newest iPhone . Alas . He showed up ten minutes before I went into surgery , then drove us home afterward . He never offered to care for me , even though I wasn 't supposed to be moving around . He went about his life as usual , and I took care of myself . Four days after my surgery , we were supposed to go to weekly dinner at his parents house . He told me he wasn 't able to come get me , so if I wanted to go I had to drive myself ( even though I was on heavy painkillers ) . So I did . I had to go in sweatpants because I couldn 't wear anything tight over my abdomen ; I 'm sure I looked pathetic . He was cold to me during the entire dinner , then left the house before me without even a look back . So , of course , I got stuck in the snow on their street and his brother and brothers friend had to help push me out . That made me furious , so I was fuming and looking for a fight by the time I got home . ( Does Vicodin make anyone else mean ? Anyone ? ) I walked out of the bathroom calmly , but he saw the empty bottle on the counter and freaked out . He asked me if I had taken them and I shrugged and said " Yep " . He freaked out even more , called my parents , then forced me out to the car so he could take me to the hospital . When we got to the ER , I told the triage nurse what had happened ; because of my calm demeanor , she didn 't take me seriously . They left me in the waiting room for 45 minutes . My mom showed up about 20 minutes after we got there , and my boyfriend kept hanging around , even though he had kept telling me that he would leave as soon as my mom arrived . He just stood there , staring at me , and I felt so pathetic . I finally lashed out at him to leave , so he did . I was so upset after he left that I started clawing the inside of my right arm with my left hand . My heart started racing . I needed to throw up . I told my mom that I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest . She ran and got a nurse . They took me to the back . I was still in complete denial . The doctor came in and said " Soooo … I see you tried to kill yourself tonight . " I just stared at him and said " Nope " . Even now , looking back at it , suicide was never my intention that night . The nurse brought in bottles of liquid charcoal - which is used to absorb toxic drugs or chemicals that a person has ingested - for me to drink . I remember trying to drink it while the nurse was putting in my IV . It was disgusting , so I tried to give it back to her . I drank an entire bottle , but when the nurse tried to hand me the next one , my hands were shaking so badly I couldn 't hold it . My mom kept trying to talk to me to keep me conscious , but everything felt so heavy . I felt my eyes roll back into my head . I woke up the next afternoon in the ICU . I had been in a coma for almost 16 hours . Nobody I knew was there ; I was alone . I started crying immediately . The nurse came in and was trying to talk to me , but I couldn 't stop crying . Then I felt the need to apologize for crying . She explained that I didn 't need to apologize , and that I 'd probably cry for the rest of the day because that was one of the ways the medication was leaving my system . Weird , I know . So , basically , I shouldn 't be sitting here writing this post . I should be dead ; the ER doctor told my mom this many times . But … I 'm not . There 's obviously something I have left to do in this life . After my release from the hospital , I returned to stasis ( or , ya know , normal ) . I took the time to find myself . It has taken some trial and error , and a few hard knocks , but here I am . It 's been awhile since I 've written anything , and I 'm gonna tell you why : I recently went through my second MDD cycle . This cycle was bad , but bearable . I knew how to handle the stages better . It was still hard , but I 'm a survivor , or something like that . The cycle was shorter this time : from start to finish was only 6 months . I was Asymptomatic for 3 of them . Minor depression happened when my best friend accused me of coming on to her husband . Major depression happened when I had a miscarriage at the beginning of April , then carried over through the last month and a half with incredibly poor health . I was surprised by the difference between the two major depression stages I 've been through . I know you 've seen the commercial for the medicine Cymbalta . You know , " Depression hurts . Cymbalta can help . " , then it shows the women not laughing , not walking their dog , not answering their phone ? Well , this time the depression hurt . I would go days without showering ( gross , I know ) because my body would actually hurt when the water hit it . Smiling hurt . Walking hurt . Everything hurt . I felt like maybe if I could just peel my skin off , make sure my heart was still beating , I 'd be okay . Well , here I am , skin and all , and I 'm perfectly fine . I don 't know if I 'll stay this way , but I try not to dwell on my illness . I have so much to look forward to - I 'm getting married next year , for one ! - and that 's what I 'm trying to focus on . There 's beauty in everything , but not everyone can see it , right ? Well , maybe the beauty in my illness is that I can encourage one person to seek help or speak out so others will know they aren 't alone . I know I 'm not going to kick a stigma 's butt with just one blog post , but I 'm sure as hell gonna keep trying . " Mental illness is a very powerful thing . If it is with you it is probably going to be there until the day you die . I am trying so hard to break mine , but it is not easy . It is my toughest fight ever . I used to play games online : games against people , usually people I didn 't know . I usually wouldn 't talk to them - they were creepers for the most part - so I 'd turn off the chat option . One night I didn 't . I decided to leave it on , and the random person I started playing against just so happened to be from Michigan , about an hour or so from where I lived . We chatted about nothing in particular for a while , then he started asking lots of questions . I tried to be as vague as possible , but when he asked where I worked , I told the truth ( at the time I worked at Tim Hortons ) . Never in a million years did I ever think he 'd show up there , but he did . { This is the first time I 've ever admitted that fact to anyone except the police officer who handled my case . } He seemed like a pretty decent guy , so when he asked for my number , I gave it to him . We talked a few times , and sent ten texts back and forth , maybe less , so I was really surprised when he asked if he could come over and hang out sometime . I said , " Uh , maybe ? " and made sure it was clear that I lived at home . That fact didn 't seem to bother him , and he kept persisting that I let him come over ; he even persuaded me that it would be okay if I snuck him in . During the few days that we talked , we also became friends on Myspace ( I know , I know ) . After a few days of pressuring , I finally gave in . So , on a Saturday night in November after my parents had gone to bed , I snuck him into my house . He asked if we could watch a movie , so I turned one on . He also said he was cold and asked if I would turn the heater on . I was naïve , and it never even occurred to me that he wasn 't touching anything or that he wanted as much cover noise as possible . I also didn 't notice - or realize until later - that he had band - aids on his fingers , covering his fingerprints - not all of them , but the ones that really mattered . We sat in silence for a few minutes , watching the movie , then he started touching me - first my legs , then he just kept moving upward . I flinched away and said something along the lines of " I 'm really not comfortable with this " , to which he replied , " Just be quiet and relax , you 'll be fine . " When I didn 't relax he started to get forceful , then started ordering me around . I had no idea if he had a weapon , and even if he didn 't I 'm sure he would 've found some way to hurt me if I had tried to scream or get away ; I 've never been so terrified in my life . I didn 't know what to do , so I did nothing , except for what he forced me to do . I won 't go into detail , but the things he did caused long - term damage that I still deal with today . When he was done getting what he wanted , he looked down at me and said " Go clean yourself up . You 're disgusting . " I went to my bathroom , sat on the floor , and bawled my eyes out . All of a sudden , I heard a noise coming from my room ; I slowly left the bathroom and peeked around the corner into my room . He was gone - he had jumped out one of my windows . I felt so helpless . I had no idea what to do , because I didn 't know if what had just taken place was considered rape or not , partially because I never said the word " No " . There was only one person who I trusted to ask about it - my best friend at the time . It was late , but I called her anyway . I told her the short version of what happened , and she said that her future brother - in - law was a cop , so she would call and ask him then call me back . She called me back ten minutes later and told me that I needed to tell someone or report it . I agreed , but never planned on telling anyone else - I was too ashamed . I tried to sleep that night , but I couldn 't close my eyes . I was hurt ( emotionally and physically ) and embarrassed . I got out of bed early Sunday morning to ask my mom if I could stay home from church . She said no , so I showered , got ready , and went to church like I was supposed to . I tried to act normal , but I couldn 't look anyone in the eye . I called off work that night . I stayed in bed all day Monday ; I just kept telling my mom I didn 't feel well . In the early evening , I heard my dad come in from work and say something to my mom . She knocked on my door , came in , and told me to get dressed because my dad wanted to talk to me . At that point I knew he knew something . I went out to the dining room and sat down without looking at my parents . It was quiet for a minute , then my dad said , " Why don 't you tell me what happened on Saturday night ? " I still couldn 't look at him , so I just shook my head and started crying . My mom had no idea what was going on , so she asked my dad what happened . He angrily told her that I had invited a guy into the house and then had sex with him . My mom said " WHAT ? ! ? " then started to go off on me . I looked up at her and said , " No , I didn 't . I let him in , but I didn 't have sex with him . He raped me . " My mom asked what I meant by " raped " , so I told her what he did . I couldn 't even look at my dad ; I was humiliated . Eventually I asked my dad how he found out , and he said that the youth pastor of our church had called and told him . I 'm not sure how the story got so skewed ( not that it even matters anymore ) , but I 'm guessing that my friend either told , or someone we both knew overheard , misinterpreted , then called the youth pastor . It 's still a bit of a bitter pill to swallow , but in a weird way I 'm glad whoever told did what they did , even though their version was wrong . If they wouldn 't have done so , I would have never had the courage to tell anyone or seek help and emotional support . After my parents finished asking a bunch of questions , my mom decided that I should go to urgent care to get examined . I never saw a doctor while I was there , only a nurse practitioner . I explained to her what had happened . She asked if it was someone I knew , and I said barely . She replied " Well , next time be more careful ! " , then told me to go home and take a bath . She never even looked me over for bruises or did a pelvic exam ( not that I actually wanted one ) . My mom couldn 't believe what the NP had told me . She took me home so I could go to sleep , but I still couldn 't fall asleep until it was daylight outside . I didn 't know it , but while I was sleeping my mom went to the police station and asked for help . They told her to take me to the emergency room for a rape kit , so that 's what she did . I was there for hours . They took all kinds of DNA samples and ran all kinds of tests . A woman cop came to take my statement and to take a statement from my doctor ( it was at this time I learned that my cervix was ripped and my uterus was tipped ) , and a social worked from a domestic violence / sexual assault service came to talk to me and give me information on their private and group counseling . The doctor prescribed medicine to help me sleep , and I got to go home . Over the course of the next few days , I had to quit my job because he knew where I worked and I was terrified he would show up there , and the police came to my house to collect evidence that may have had his DNA on it . I explained to them that he had been wearing band - aids to cover his fingerprints , but they were still able to get a few off the window where he had opened it . They took the clothes I had been wearing and a few other things . They asked me to show them his Myspace page , but it was gone . It was a terrible stroke of luck ( for lack of a better term ) that I had happened to save a photo of him to our computer . When my dad saw it he almost broke the computer monitor . A few days after the police were at my house , I got a call from the officer who was handling my case ; she asked me to come to the station to listen to a voicemail so I could identify his voice . My mom drove me to the station , and I listened … it was him . The officer told me that they had found out where he worked , and that the name he had give me was fake . Oh , and he also had a criminal record ( big shock , right ? ) . I asked what his real name was , but she said she couldn 't tell me . She also told me that based on my statement , the collected evidence , and the recorded physical trauma I had enough to press charges . I discussed it with my parents , and we decided to move forward . In the months that followed , my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer . When the day finally came for me to go downtown to meet with the prosecutor , I was so nervous . I sat down with her , and we discussed the case for a few minutes . She told me that she was sorry for what had happened to me , but when it came down to the bare bones of my case , I didn 't have one . She said that if I was to continue and the case went to trial , I would have to testify in court and the defense would tear apart my testimony because I let him into my house ; not to mention having to face him all over again . In a way I was relieved . I explained to her about my mom 's diagnosis , and how I was ready for the ordeal to be over - I needed to move on , and that 's exactly what I did . I moved , I got engaged , I got married , I moved , then I moved again . I got divorced , I started dating again . I moved in with the guy I was dating . We moved . I got a new job . I started battling depression off and on . In 2010 , a few weeks before the holidays , my ( ex ) boyfriend and I went to a local mall to do some early Christmas shopping . We were walking on the second floor when I looked up through the crowd and saw him . The rapist was there , free , walking directly toward me . There was no way I wouldn 't have recognized him - you don 't forget someone who changed the course of your whole life . I grabbed my ex 's hand and stepped closer to him . The rapist got closer . When he was a few feet away , I made the decision to be brave . I wasn 't the naïve girl he had hurt four years before . I locked eyes with him , and I know he knew who I was . This look came over his face … a smug " I got away with it " look that I will never , ever forget . As he passed by , he brushed my hand with his . I managed to make it about fifteen feet away before I started hyperventilating . We left the mall immediately . After that , my depression got a thousand times worse . I had zero self - esteem : I lived in sweats and put on a front for everyone . Eventually my depression got so bad that I ended up in the hospital ( read about it here ) , but I ended up getting the help that I needed . 1 ) . Never minimize or belittle what happened to you . A week after my assault , I started going to group therapy at SafeHouse . Listening to other women 's stories of survival has had a lasting impact on my life . On my first visit , there was a girl who was maybe a few years older than me ; she had been tied up , raped at gunpoint , put in a closet , then robbed . After hearing her story , I had a few minutes of the " What am I doing here ? What happened to me wasn 't nearly that bad ! " feeling . I didn 't know how to not feel that way , but I 've come to realize whether it was a stranger or someone you know , whether you verbally said no or tried to fight them off , rape is rape . Sexual assault is a crime that , in my opinion , goes unpunished far too often . Minimizing what happened to you makes you feel terrible , and will no doubt make you feel like you are to blame . 2 ) . Never place blame for what happened to you on yourself . This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn . For years I 've plagued myself with " What if 's " and " If only 's " , and that is no way to live a life . As hard as it may seem , coming to terms with your sexual assault is something you will have to do . It doesn 't matter how you act , how you dress , how you talk , etc … you didn 't ask to be assaulted . At some point in time , the person who committed the crime consciously decided to take advantage of you , and the full blame lies on them . 3 ) . You will carry the emotional ( and maybe physical ) scars with you for the rest of your life . I hate to say this because it isn 't a nice thing , but the goal of this post has been for me to bring you the truth . Over the last 5 years , a goal of mine has been to overcome my sexual assault . I have determined not to let it define who I am . So far , I believe I 've done a pretty decent job , save for one thing : the triggers . My assault has never been something I 've wanted to dwell on . I 've worked hard on trying to push it to the back of my memory , but sometimes I will see , hear , or smell things and flashbacks will occur . I have no control over them . The biggest three are the smell of a space heater , band - aids on a mans fingers , and someone touching my upper back . If any of these things cause a flashback , I almost automatically have a panic attack . When they happen , I find the best thing for me is to be alone so I can read , write , or watch a movie . I cannot say what other people use as coping mechanisms , but those are mine . I was terrified to go to therapy ; I was afraid that I was going to be judged for what happened to me , just as I had been by people I already knew ( at one point I was told that I had been asking for it because I had a Myspace page ) , but it wasn 't like that . The women in the group listened with empathy - they even cried when I cried . Being able to tell your story to people who have gone through something similar will bring you a strange kind of peace . 5 ) . You are not broken . Please , please , please don 't ever let anyone tell you that you are damaged because sexual assault happened to you . People who have never experienced certain things don 't know the strength it takes to overcome them . I 'm sorry you never had the chance to experience life ; you were gone before yours ever really started . I 'm sorry I took the little things you did for me for granted . I wish I would 've known how to hold a conversation with you where I didn 't get embarrassed by every little thing ; we would 've had so much to talk about . I 'm sorry I was naive about so many things . I 'm sorry I didn 't go into the picture booth with you at the mall while I was in California . I 'm sorry people made fun of us because our names rhymed . I 'm sorry I never kissed you on our last night together . I 've never admitted this to anyone before , but you were the only guy I 've ever dated that I wasn 't embarrassed of for some stupid reason . I still miss you and your blue eyes . I 'm sorry I grew up quicker than you . I 'm sure we would 've been great together , but it just wasn 't our time . A good friend told me a few weeks ago that we were supposed to end up together but something got in the way , so you went and married someone who looks just like me . That 's the truth , but I 'm far more awesome . I 'm sorry I let other people 's opinion of you affect the way I felt about you . I 'm sorry for all those times I was overly dramatic and would cause fights for no reason . I 'm sorry you ended up having to publicly slaughter your reputation for a choice we made together . I 'm sorry we let our parents dictate our relationship , even though we were both 18 . I 'm sorry for being so cold - hearted when I broke up with you , and I 'm sorry for breaking your heart . If you ever stumble across this , please know that I 'm glad that you 're happy , and I mean it with all my heart . I 'm sorry you hid who you were to make other people happy . I 'm sorry the airline lost my luggage the first time I came to visit and you had to buy me all new makeup . I 'm sorry I didn 't help you become a better person . I 'm sorry your family hated me . I 'm sorry I was such a nag sometimes . I 'm sorry for not being an adult and breaking it off , it would 've saved us both a lot of heartache . I 'm sorry I didn 't know how to have a grown up relationship with you . I 'm sorry that things ended so badly between us - I never wanted it to be like this . If you ever read this , know that the only thing I 'm not sorry for is letting you go . I hope you 've found yourself . I 'm sorry I couldn 't be who you wanted . I 'm sorry I was immature . I 'm sorry for all those times I stormed out . I 'm sorry for that night at the Halloween party , and basically every other time we went to J and M 's house . I 'm sorry for my depression . I 'm sorry for all the drama I created . I 'm sorry for making you take care of me . I 'm sorry for the New Year 's Eve argument . I 'm sorry for dropping the phone you bought me in the washer . I 'm sorry for the days I lived in sweats and never got off the couch . I 'm sorry I never got you a Christmas present . I 'm sorry I was terrified every single time you drove us somewhere . I 'm sorry I purposely broke one of your blue glasses . I 'm sorry for snooping . I 'm sorry you had to sit with me at the ER until 2am . Most of all , I 'm sorry for the night I locked myself in the bathroom . Thank you for helping me grow up . I 'm sorry I did wrong by you , and I 'm sorry for the way you had to find out about it . I 'm sorry for not trusting you . I 'm sorry for pushing our relationship to be something it was probably never meant to be . I 'm sorry I didn 't like Cabin in the Woods and for forcing you to watch Workaholics . I 'm sorry for the time I made you stay at my aunts . I 'm sorry about that time in the basement . I 'm sorry I made you go on the disastrous double date . I 'm sorry you had to take care of me when I had that terrible fever . I 'm sorry I ended up being just like the person you said I wasn 't when you defended me . I 'm sorry I always showed my insecurities at the worst times . I 'm sorry I sucked at Munchkin . I 'm sorry for the Absinthe night . I 'm sorry I never got to see the waterfall . I 'm sorry I couldn 't be a better encourager to you . Through all of these apologies , one thing remains : You know me better than anyone I 've ever dated , and I find a strange comfort in knowing my secrets are safe with you . Thank you for Harry Potter and The Unwritten . Think about it … has there ever been a time you 've spent with a girl where she wasn 't fun at least once ? Probably not . I 'm also pretty sure that it 's only a girl thing . Dudes aren 't fun . Activities with dudes can be fun , but dudes in general are either cool or awesome . I 've never heard a guy describe another guy as fun . I 've come to the conclusion that girls master the art of flirting far quicker than guys . We have the uncanny ability to make guys feel comfortable by the way we speak to them or look at them . I was once corrected on my idea of what flirting was , and was told this : Flirting is done by one to gauge anothers romantic interest . I 've come to find that most flirting done by women ( besides body language ) , is done verbally . There are also girls who like to flirt solely for amusement and have no romantic interest in the person initiating the flirting . Once again , I believe that girls master this art far quicker than guys . Body language is a more progressive / forward form of flirting , usually involving posture , facial expressions , and gestures . Body language can also provide insight into the attitude of the person you 're speaking to . When reciprocating in a flirtatious manner , body language is often mirrored to make the person more at ease . Body language is done almost entirely subconsciously , and researchers have suggested that 60 - 70 % of all meaning comes from non - verbal behavior . I 've found that the most common flirting techniques involving body language are : This is the end of Rumspringa , and I 'm a little bit sad . I never thought I 'd become so attached to something , but I have . If what I 've written has helped even one person , then sharing my story was worth it . I won 't lie … I 've dated . A lot . But I 've only had five serious relationships , one of which resulted in a failed marriage . They all start out great , but after a while things fall apart . I 've seriously dated a few guys who are insanely computer savvy , and I have absolutely no problem with that . In fact , I find it incredibly fascinating . However , it quickly becomes tiring when the only time he removes himself from it is to go to work or bed . Once , I dated this guy and he was great . I liked everything about him … except the way he dressed . We didn 't look like we belonged together at all . After a few dates , I casually mentioned going shopping . He brushed it off . The date after that I flat out asked him if he would let me dress him . That , too , was a no - go . Maybe it was shallow and bitchy , but I broke it off soon after . Instead of falling in love , I fall in love with falling in love . In complete honesty , I 've never taken the time to thoroughly enjoy those butterflies . I have an unbelievably hard time letting fate run its course . I know that this has caused me to hurt some guys along the way . Unless you 're a complete egomaniac or narcissist , you aren 't going to want to date yourself . If a guy is attracted to you , it 's because you 're you . Personality traits and quirks are what draw me to certain guys the most , especially the geeks . Gotta love ' em , right ? I 've learned to maintain my individuality with family and friends , but not in romantic relationships - I 'm too afraid . I know that my friends and family love me no matter what , but that isn 't so when it comes to new romance . Emotions in new relationships ( to me , at least ) are circumstantial , and I feel that in order to maintain a relationship I have to lose sight of who I am in order to keep them interested . |
Well , Daddy left early this morning , around 6 : 45am . I think they are going to go a different route than the one they came on . It will only mean one border crossing , which should shave up to an hour off of their trip . Please keep daddy and Bob in your prayers . Pray for their safety and for a safe arrival , to be alert and healthy . Thank you . Last night was awesome . After the group left , I led the girls in a few songs of worship and then translated as Bob gave the message of the Father 's love . Words can not even describe how powerful it was and the impact that was shown on the girls faces . One teenager was convicted to forgive her family . Just last week , she had mentioned not even remembering how her mother 's face looked . Healing was prayed over Bárbara and Caty , and I have never seen Caty shed tears like I did last night . She was touched and it was so amazing ! ! Darlin was reminded of her leadership qualities and how she will use them to preach to thousands and they will be saved . I don 't think she really understood then , but she wrote it down and one day it will come back to her . It was really a great night and Bob did a great job . I 'm trying not to be sad today . I am , but trying just to keep praying for them . I know Daddy will be back soon , with Jami and Haven . Where did July go ? It has been such a wonderful visit with daddy ! ! He arrived Thursday morning with his friend Bob Watson , at about 2 : 30am after deciding not to stop and sleep at the border . It was such a blessing that they didn 't get sleepy at all during the whole trip . I had Thursday and Friday off , so Thursday we went to visit friends at Casa Aleluya and had lunch and dessert in Antigua . We were so stuffed after that , we just hung out with the girls and played . No dinner . Friday we headed out and went to lunch at a very nice hotel / restaurant in Zone 1 of the city . Bob had eaten there before and wanted to treat us . It was so good . I recommend the coconut cream pie ! Afterwards , we went to meet a friend of Bob 's , Mario , who is a dentist here in Zone 15 . He was such a nice guy and will find to be a great help , if I ever need anything . He even offered some help in finding a car for me and before he came over for dinner last night , he already had two cars lined up for me to pray about . Not only that , but he said he would take care of the insurance and making sure the car was in good shape . This is something that I have been praying for and waiting for to buy a car . So , I am very , very thankful . Plus , the cars sound like either one will be a great deal . Today , Daddy and I are downstairs with the older girls . Laisa is coming in a while and we are going to look at a house that will be for rent soon and probably eat lunch out . Mary is so awesome that she has offered to stay downstairs while I am gone , since Daddy 's here , so I can spend more time with him . Also , Courtney offered to stay the night down there tonight , so I can stay over at my house with daddy since he leaves early tomorrow . A group is coming tonight and bringing pizza , so it should be a fun time . Joanne asked Bob if he would speak a word to the girls tonight and relationships with God . I believe it will be a great experience for us and especially the girls . Yesterday , we took the girls on a field trip to Mayan ruins in Tecpán and Spanish ruins in Antigua . We were meant to leave by 8 , which turned into 8 : 40 , so even from the get - go we were running late . The trip to Tecpán went smoothly . The girls were excited to see where I used to work , since we passed Casa Aleluya on the way , I was able to show them . We arrived , and can you believe that the entry fee for ' gringos ' is 25 Quetzales and for Guatemalans it is only 2 ! ! Raúl was able to talk them into a small discount since we were from a children 's home . We ate a small snack of fresh fruit , and ran for the ruins . I 've been before about 5 years ago , but it seemed better kept now than before . We had a ball with the girls , climbing up and over the pyramids and temples . It really is a neat experience , that I believe I take for granted sometimes . We ate lunch at their picnic area , where I slid down a hill and landed hard on my bum and scraped a big hole into the palm of my hand . My hand still really hurts . I 'm just trying to keep it clean . After lunch we headed to Antigua . We soon discovered that it wasn 't going to be as easy as it sounded . When we arrived in Chimaltenengo , we were abruptly stopped by traffic . We were there for over 2 hours . For those of you who don 't know , driving straight through Chimaltenengo is about the same as driving straight down the parkway straight through Huntsville . . . not even . . . , Hazel Green , and it took us over 2 hours ! ! We thought we weren 't going to be able to go to Antigua , but Joanne gave us some extra time . But we were too late . All of the ruins were closed either on Mondays , or by 5pm . It was a fun trip though , but I am so tired ! Posted by I heard from my dad yesterday . He believes it will be Thursday when he gets to come to Guatemala . Please pray for his safety and that it all works out how we hope . Last night , Joanne gave me permission to take all of the interns to Antigua for the evening . We left around 3 : 30pm . First thing after we parked the van , it started pouring rain ! We were all dolled up too ! Well , sort of . We were in skirts and what - not ; ) We ran to the artisian market and the girls shopped for souveniers . I was the only ones that didn 't come out of there with at least three bags of stuff . I talked the girls into wanting to eat at Frida 's restaurant under the arch . It has amazing food . I think so anyways . But when we left , it was pouring rain again ! ! We got so soaked and took refuge under the arch and decided to wait for a taxi . We piled in a taxi and went for our vehicle . We wanted to get dessert and coffee at Café Condesa , and got soaked in completing our desires . But that cheesecake was well worth it . Too bad I don 't like any hot drinks though . It was so cold and we were so wet ! ! Mary even lost her flip - flop in a puddle in the middle of the street . Everyone around was watching us and laughing ! It was a great time . I 'm glad I could take them before everyone starts to leave , starting next week . They are an amazing group of young women . I 'm glad to have been able to know them . The situation with Wendy is still not resolved . The court sent Melvin ( the dad here ) to her school to get her , which should have been done by the courts in the first place . The principal of the school would not hand her over , with good reason , Melvin is nothing official , he just had some official papers . Then the time went on and Wendy 's mother came to get her from school . This is not good because she had no idea that the courts were trying to take her back . When the principal of the school asked Wendy if she would rather go home or to the orphanage , she answered , " To the orphanage . " Her parents were shocked and apparently angry over this . Melvin contacted the courts and they agreed to send someone official to get her . Melvin came back without her , but we expected her at any moment . To days later , she is still not here . We believe that they are having trouble finding her because her family has hidden her . There is no way of knowing if she is in danger or not . Especially after stating that she didn 't want to be with her family anymore . Who knows how they reacted to this . Please pray for Wendy . Pray that she be brought back here quickly and that she be kept safe in the meantime . I will update about her as soon as I hear something . I 'm trying to wait here patiently for a phone call from the courts . They called to see if we would take back Wendy , a girl who lived here when I was here last year . She left through the court and they gave custody to her aunt in Escuintla . Well , Wendy called to wish Rebeca a happy birthday a few weeks back and told her that she was living with her mother and stepfather again . ( he was the reason she was with us in the first place ) So , they investigated and found that to be true and are , as I type , going to take her out of her school and bring her here . I am so excited to see her again . My heart is glad that she will be here again , but saddened because I know that Wendy , and any child , would rather be in their home with their family . I have to trust God in this , but I do believe that she will be better off here . Otherwise , why would He bring her back here ? I 'm so excited that I 've already started putting together stuff for her . I 'm just worried about her heart . I know she will be sad , but at least she is coming to a familiar place where people love her . In other good news , Bárbara 's adoption is moving right along . Well , actually she has been adopted and given her new name . We were waiting on her new birth certificate , so we could get her passport and an interview for a visa to the States . Yesterday they called and said there was a bump in the road because there was no proof of her father 's death . ( which there was a death certificate ) So , Joanne went today and it seems that she 'll be coming home with all of the papers ready . So , she could be gone next week . Keep praying for her . She is having a hard time . This weekend she complained of pain in her lungs and back . But she went to the doctor day before yesterday and she said nothing was wrong except for stress , so she gave her a muscle relaxer , I think , but it made her sleep all afternoon . # 1 . ( least important ) I bought a new mouse today for this computer so my nerves will not hate me anymore . # 2 . ( most important ) I talked to my dad last night and guess who he 's coming to visit next week ? ! ? MMMEEEEEEE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I really don 't think it has hit me yet . I 'm excited about it , for sure , but until I get the call saying , " I 'll be there such and such day at this time . " # 3 . ( and this one isn 't really good news , yet ) but I 'm going to buy a paper today , and not procrastinate , and call for information about cars that are for sell . So , there you have it . My good day . And on top of it all , it 's a beautiful day in the neighborhood ! ! If it wasn 't for the promise of the rainbow , you would 've thought the world was flooding . It has rained and rained , so much in the past few days . Down pours ! I 'm sure it 's the affect the hurricanes are having on us . I 'm not even sure where they all are now , or what their names are , but I can assure you that we know when there 's one around . Sunday morning , I dropped the first group of girls off at church and just then Mary called . She said there was 2 to 3 inches of water in our living room ! Since I had an hour until I had to take the next group of girls , I went back to help . By the time I got there she had already filled and emptied one bucket , by sweeping water into a plastic bowl and dumping it in , and she had almost filled a second halfway . I grabbed a bowl and a giant squeegee I found , like the things at the gas stations to clean car windows , rolled my pants up , kicked off my shoes and jumped in . All together we filled about four buckets and then Courtney and Elizabeth came over with a wet / dry vacuum and got the majority of the rest . We dried the floor as much as we could with towels , and left for church . By last night it was dry . Gib says that the towel which is shoved under the door that leads to the roof must have been loose and it came from there . It was quite an adventure and one great way to start the day . We were all laughing about it as we worked . Especially when I almost fell twice and so did Elizabeth . I wish I would 've thought to take a picture . I need to take more pictures . I talked to Jami last night and found out that Daddy is safely in Honduras as of last night . They had to wait out the storms , I think . I ran this morning again . It has been about twice a week for three weeks so far . I 'm also finally reading Courtney 's book , The Count of Monte Cristo . I love it ! I am so addicted ! I can 't put it down . I 'm not much of a leisurely reader , but I have read more than a fourth in two days . I 'm sure I 'll finish it this week , and on time too because Courtney leaves on the 2nd . I 'm talking to my sister , Connie , online right now ! I got to see her , Will , Clay , and even William on webcam ! My fears were relieved because as soon as Clay saw me on webcam he lit up and I knew he knew who I was ! Later Connie told me that he was making faces at me from the hall and laughing at himself . heheh . That is so adorable ! They are getting so big though . I can 't believe it . I can 't imagine how they will look when I see them again , for real . But at least this way I know they 'll remember me . I took the 9 older girls to the ushers ' meeting at 4 and we got back FINALLY about 6 : 30 , ate and were done just in time to watch the movie . That 's were they are now . My throat is still sore , but no more stomach problems so far . I even jumped a minute on the trampoline with Ceilin the littlest girl . After I got off , I watched as another intern tried to do a front flip unsuccessfully , while Ceilin shaded me under an umbrella . She is truly a doll . Poor Astrid got her hair cut by a lady yesterday who chopped her hair into layers and gave her a perm . The poor thing was in tears as we tried to straighten her hair today . She is a strong girl who rarely cries , but when she does it is something that has really upset her . I felt so bad for her , but what can we do ? It just has to grow . We gave her some bobbie pins to pin back the unwanted bangs , but the rest she 'll just have to learn to live with for a while . I haven 't been to tutor in a week or so . I saw a friend of mine , Brennan , at Pricemart a few weeks back and he told me that the Osborn 's were moving . I didn 't get a chance to call before they went to the States , so I thought I would have to wait until they got back because I didn 't know where they had moved . I knew the subdivision , but not the exact house . I wrote Steve about it and found out that they hadn 't moved , so I 'll start again this week . I have missed those kids ! ! It would be so much easier coming and going if I had a car already . I love the walking , but in the rainy season , it just makes it hard . But I know there is one out there for me , I just have to be patient . I have a few numbers from the classified 's but I don 't know enough about cars and plus , I 'd have to have a ride to go look at one . It 's frustrating , but it will happen . I 've never believed that getting wet in the rain would make you sick , but I got soaked three days in a row this week and yesterday my throat started hurting and was worse this morning . I was also up all night with stomach " stuff " . But life goes on . . . I had to be at Shadow this morning at 6AM to substitute for Libni . It amazes me how even when the girls get an extra hour and a half to sleep they are still up at 6am . They are not normal teenagers , that 's for sure . I , on the other hand , will pretend to sleep even when I can 't , if I have the extra time . I 'm taking the older girls to the church this afternoon for an ushers ' meeting . They actually are ushering tomorrow . I 'm the only one here this weekend that drives , so I will take the ushers early and come back for the rest , and bring them home in two shifts as well . I like to drive though . My dad left this morning for Honduras . Please keep him in your prayers this month as he won 't be back home until the middle of August . We 're trying to plan a very short trip by bus for him to come visit me or me to go visit him . Either way , I hope it works out . I really miss my family . I 'm planning an online date for tonight with them . I 've sent them an e - mail to let them know . I just hope they get it . I may get to see my nephews on webcam . I can 't wait . I hope it works out . Well , I need to get back downstairs . Elizabeth and I went to the artisian market today to buy a quilt for Jill , the girl I roomed with last year here . She is engaged , so this will be a present from the home . So , Sarah and Courtney were off today so they asked if they could go . I really want a quilt for my bed , like I have at home , but I had will power and only bought two woven belts and a postcard . We had to pick Miriam up from school afterwards , but since I was coming from a different direction , I wasn 't sure how to get there . It wasn 't that I didn 't know where it was from there ; it was that I couldn 't get there from where we were . I could even see the road we needed to get to , but with all the one way roads and dead end roads and circle roads . . . anyway , we finally made it only about 15 minutes late . We had missed lunch , so we took Miriam and went to McDonald 's drive - through for a burger . Joanne will take the 4 interns that haven 't been to Monjas tomorrow to visit . Her and Gib will be apart these three weeks that Carroll is gone , so I know that she will take any chance to go visit him . They are apart so much because of the home here and the building progress in Monjas . It is such a sacrifice for their mission here . I know that God will bless them because of their faithfulness . Carroll left today for the States for three weeks . So that leaves Joanne and I in the office with Elizabeth helping some as well . With Rebeca in the States also , it can get crazy . This morning I took Miriam to the school where she does her practical work . ( She is studying to be a teacher ) I had only been to this school once before and I wasn 't driving . I tried to pay attention to how to get there , knowing I would be going someday , but that was weeks ago and I couldn 't remember exactly . I even dreamed about it last night , all night . A very stressful dream . But it seems that God wouldn 't allow us to get lost . It was pretty neat how it worked out . We thought we had passed the turn off , so I was trying to turn around somewhere , which just isn 't as easy as it sounds here in the city . You may have to travel a mile or more before you come to a place to turn around and go the other direction . Plus , not being familiar with this part of the city as much , I wanted to be extra careful , especially with Miriam . So , I turned down some road to try and turn around and Miriam shouts , " THIS IS IT ! ! " . We were never lost after all ! Isn 't that amazing ? ! ? The next question was how to get home from there . I remembered vaguely the way , so I ventured out . I hit the Aguilar Batres , one of the main roads , but was heading the wrong direction . I knew where I had to go , just not how to get there . I even passed the turn off , but there was no way to get over there . I had to go all the way down to Roosevelt , which is like , THE main road into the city and by that time I just decided to go the way I knew best , to Periferico to San Cristobal . I finally made it home with no problems at all , and was even welcomed by Mary ( my house mate ) with some fresh made pancakes . MMM ! ! Last night , the interns invited me along with them to go out with Alfredo from church . He is such a nice guy and always takes the interns to movies , out to eat , and things like that . We were going to this really cool place called Cuatro Grados Norte , but on Monday nights I guess there isn 't much going on . So instead , we went to Los Cebollines , a really great Mexican restaurant in Zone 10 . Courtney , Mary , and I were acting something crazy too , in the back seat of the car . Elizabeth rode in the hatch back , and Julie in front becuase she got car sick on the way . It was good times . Please pray right now for my auny Paula and her family . She lost her oldest son last night , after losing her husband only 7 months ago . My cousin Matt was around 37 years old . It 's times like these that I most want to be with my family . I feel so worn out tonight . The girls are watching a movie at the moment , so I snuck out to update my journal . This morning Mary and I went to play soccer . We shot goals for a while and passed it back and forth , but couldn 't really figure out how to play one on one , so we just kept passing . It was really fun though . I feel like I walked back and forth from the home to my home today as well . Which isn 't a far walk , just up and down hill . . . both ways . My shins hurt . Then a group came today that have been working in Monjas all week , so Elizabeth and I practiced our flips on the trampoline . I 've almost got my back flip and an ariel cartwheel ! ! Something strange happened yesterday . It just really made me realize how much control God really has . . . . TOTAL control . I was in the office all morning by myself . A social worker from Jutiapa called and asked if we could take two girls who were there at the court . I 'm not authorized to make that decision , so I asked her to leave a number and I would get right back to her . I called Carroll , who called Joanne , who decided with Carroll that we would take them . The lady had given me two phone numbers , and neither were working . I was trying like a mad man to get back in touch with that lady . Trying to find the right number . If I couldn 't get in touch with them , they would send the girls to another home . I finally after an hour got through and they had already placed them somewhere else . I felt so sad . But I knew that I wasn 't in control of the situation . I didn 't find out until Saturday morning that another new girl had come later on that afternoon . If those other girls had come , this little girl , Glendy ( 11 years old ) couldn 't have come . So , that tells me that it was all in His plan . What does that tell you ? I have to say that the other new girl , Ceilin , who came last week is here with me and asking me question after question after question . She is so cute . I will have to take a picture of her next week to put on here . ( Daddy , you will love her to death ! ! ) I woke up early this morning and ran . I used to run downstairs on the treadmill on my time off , but Carroll took the treadmill to her casita when she moved out . These new interns have gotten me motivated . Most of them run or at least do some sort of exercise . I really enjoyed the run so early . It was so nice outside . I just couldn 't make it up the hills ; I had to walk . I actually ran into Jullie , an intern . We both had the same idea , I guess . No one is in the office today . Carroll is off . Rebeka is in L . A . visiting her sister , Elizabeth is helping out at P . E . class , and Nora , the social worker , well , I never know when she works and when she supoosed to be off . Today is my day off too , but I didn 't have much to do otherwise this morning , so I thought I 'd at least come in until after lunch . We 're waiting for a phone call from the attorney about Bárbara 's case . This will let us know how soon she will be going to the States . It could be as soon as two weeks . Please continue to pray for her and that situation . She is excited , but so nervous too We received a new girl , just as Carroll suspected , we lose two and gain one . This little girl is a young one . She is only 5 years old . Her name is Ceilin and she is a live wire . So full of energy . The other girls upstairs got a little tired of her getting all of the attention at first , but now they seem to be getting used to it . Elizabeth has already taught her to do a flip on the knees on the trampoline . Sandra did leave last Friday . I wrote her a letter to take with her . It 's not like Evelyn , who since she was older , I gave her my phone number so we could keep in touch . Sandra is only 9 , so I just have to pray that God will bring us back together someday . Just like he did with Yasmin and I . Last night , my patience was tested . I wished that I was the kind of person who cound confront someone when they are upset , but I seem to always give the benefit of the doubt . I was sitting in for Libni downstairs , while she ran some errands . She said she would be back between 6 and 7 . She showed up about 8 : 30 . The girls were already in bed and since Courtney was doing dialysis down there , I came up to the office to help Miriam with her last minute homework . We had problems opening one program on her disk and then the printer wouldn 't work and then we finally got one open and then we had to print it off the other computer . . . and finally after almost an hour we got it done and I went home at 10 : 00 . This was after waking up at 5AM in vane because Miriam didn 't need me to take her to school . So needless to say , I was happy to see my bed . I am a Christian foremost , a mother second , a daughter , a sister , a friend , a missionary , an artist , a musician , a hard worker , a couch potato , a morning person , a night owl , as crazy as I wanna be , and laid back . I have learned to trust God in everything , as He has proven He will do whether I trust Him or not . I am adopting the most beautiful 4 year old on the planet . |
But we will never leave you . . . even in the face of our death . You will make my strength your own . You will see my life through your eyes , As your life will be seen through mine . Kara Zor - El was but a mere child while rocketing through space , chunks of her home planet following her ship as they shuttled towards a distant world . Life in Smallville was about to change . As the people went about their daily routines , their little world would be shaken to the core as meteor fragments rained down on their town , causing destruction and mayhem everywhere . Driving home in their new truck , Jonathan and Martha Kent veered off the road in order to avoid a collision with one of the falling rocks . As they struggled to catch their breath , having panicked from the sudden events , their eyes watched as one of the mysterious meteors created an extensive and destructive path in the ground . Getting out of the truck , the Kent 's ran over to the part where the meteor had finally stopped . Amidst the smoking ruins , they discovered something far more startling . . . a ship . " Kara , it 's time for dinner . " Martha yelled out as she stood on the porch of their house . The sun was slowly starting to dip below the line of trees that surrounded their farm . Inside her husband finished setting the table , pouring cold milk into the glasses . " I 'm almost done . " a young girl of 14 years responded , her voice carrying over her families property as she worked out in the middle of a field . Kara picked up another wooden fence post and slammed it into the ground . A smile crossed her face as she realized she was practically done before she had even started . Looking to her left she glanced at the dozen or so other wooden beams that she had fixed into the Earths surface , putting into position a brand new pen for some newly arrived livestock . What would have taken a small handful of workers to do in several hours had only taken her a few minutes . " You know , one day she 's going to forget about dinner and come inside when it 's time for dessert . " Martha said as she came back into the house , walking into the kitchen and checking on the food . Her husband Jonathan simply smiled as he leaned back in his chair . " Sometimes I wish we 'd just skip dinner and have dessert first . Nine times out ten cake is better than your cooking . " he teased , earning a quick smack to the back of his head from his wife . Kara pushed the door open and set her jacket down on one of the stools . " Yes Dad . They 're all in . I even had time to put the wiring up . We can go get the animals from Mr . Wilkins tomorrow if you want . " Kara added as she sat down at the table , running a hand through her shiny blond hair . " Work can wait till later . Right now let 's eat . " Martha said , ready to appease the hunger of her family that the long day had worked up . She started filling up their plates before finally sitting down . Kara picked up her glass and starting guzzling down the water inside . " And besides , you have school tomorrow so it 's off to bed early tonight . " Jonathan added , a smile coming across his face whereas a surprised look swept over Kara 's . With this sudden news she practically dropped her glass . " Wait , are you serious ? " Kara asked out loud , her heart beating a bit faster at the prospect of having a life outside of the farm . Jonathan nodded his head . Kara glanced over at her mother and she nodded her head too . She practically knocked the table over as she gave her parents hugs . Thoughts and ideas began filling every corner of her young mind , but they were quickly squashed as the Kents began telling her about her responsibilities as a student and how different life would be . She was reminded not to use her abilities at all while at school , and was to come straight home after the end of classes . " Deal . " she said , finally giving into their demands and then proceeding to finish up the rest of her meal . Kara woke up rather early the next day , her eyes hazily opening up to the increasing light of the sun as it slowly crept up over the horizon and pouring into her bedroom . As she sat up on bed , the smell of breakfast downstairs invaded her nose and stirred her senses . Dressing herself in a light blue t - shirt and pajama pants she went downstairs and made her way to the kitchen . " You 're up pretty early . " Martha said as she noticed her daughter enter the room . " Yeah . I guess I 'm just really excited about school , that 's all . " Kara said with a yawn , sitting down in a chair . Martha fixed her plate and set it before her . " You think they 'll like me ? " she asked , a hint of nervousness filling her voice as she bit down into some pancakes . Martha smiled warmly and nodded her head . " They will . Just be careful , though . High School can be a scary place sometimes . I remember my first time going . I thought the teachers wanted all of us to suffer . But I made a couple of friends and well . . . it was all uphill from there . " she added . Kara finished up her meal and scrambled upstairs to get ready . She showered and dressed herself in rather casual clothing , mostly a navy blue shirt , faded blue jeans , and a dusty red jacket . For some odd reason she just liked that color combination . . . " You better hurry up or you 'll miss the bus . " Martha called out from downstairs . Kara grabbed the keys to her house and ran downstairs , kissing her mother on the cheeks before darting outside . She saw the roaring yellow bus make its way down their street and off for the bend . ' Shoot ' Kara thought to herself , watching it continue on its way . A sudden idea came into her head and using her quick speed she ran down the road , catching the bus at a different intersection . When the doors opened Kara climbed aboard , drawing an odd stare from the driver . She was about to apologize but was told to quickly find a seat . Shrugging her shoulders the blond Kryptonian walked down the aisle and found an empty seat , drawing quick looks from the other students . She felt a little out of place , but as the bus lurched forward the typical noise and clatter of a High School bus once again filled the air . Bruce was woken early that morning from his butler Alfred . The sun was just coming up over the corn fields that grew just out side of the small town . Master Wayne , it 's time to get up . School is waiting for you . Alfred said as he laid down a tray next to Bruce 's bed . A stack of pancakes and a glass of orange juice sat on the tray . Alfred , it 's too early . Why can 't school be during the night ? Bruce complained as he rolled over and sat up . Because Master Bruce , the Nocturnal hours are not the hours for young men such as yourself to be running around foolishly . Alfred said , grinning . But , in any matter , it is time for you to great the world . Your first day of school in Smallville awaits you Master Bruce Alfred finished as he rose from the chair , and walked out of the room to allow Bruce to get ready . Bruce was a little nervous , which was suprising , seeings as how he never really got nervous . But he knew why he was nervous ; he was a billionare teenager , getting ready to go to a small high school in Kansas . He didn 't really expect to see many other billionare " playboys " , in Smallville . Bruce ate his breakfast , got up , and put on khaki 's and a black t - shirt , and headed downstairs . Alfred was waiting for him , dressed in a tuxedo looking outfit . Bruce grabbed his back pack , and headed out to the Mercades Benz outside , heading off to school , with a knot in his stomach . Misty woke up extremely early after tossing and turning all night long . Today was her first day of high school and she had never been so exited in her entire life . She decided to get out of bed after struggling to sleep all night at 4am and began getting ready for school . She went into her private bathroom that was one of the benefits of her dad being a high ranking employee in Lex Luthor 's new business . She had gotten to meet Lex a couple times and he was an incredibly charismatic and handsome young man . As she got a quick shower and washed her hair then brushed her hair and toweled herself dry . She then went to her walk in closet that was full of clothes . She had all kinds of dresses skirts pants etc . " Now what should I wear . Today is very important and I want to impress everyone but I don 't want to dress to nicely . " after much debate the honey blond haired girl decided on a black skirt and a Pink blouse . She got dressed and then went back to her bathroom to style her hair and to apply her makeup . After that was all taken care of she went downstairs and grabbed a strawberry yogurt and headed out the door to catch the bus . Her parents forced her to ride the bus saying it would build character until next year when she could drive herself . As Misty got on the bus she quickly found the only seat with any room left it was next to a blond girl she didn 't recognize . " Hi , I 'm Misty you must be new . " As he had done for the past ten years , Var - Sen sat on the balcony of his split - level apartment near Metropolis and looked at the morning sky . It was not quite daylight yet , and the stars were still shining . He held a cup of coffee , to which he had developed a fondness for over the years . As he sipped at it , he gazed up into the sky and hope to catch a glimpse of it . The red star that was his homeworld 's sun was gone . And that meant Krypton was no more . It had been inevitable , just as Zor - El had told them it would be . Had they only listened to Zor - El . Had he only listened . He had been warned that to stay behind on Earth would strip him of his powers . The crystal that he had kept made sure of that . But , it had been his choice , and he still believed he had chosen rightly . To live among them , he must live as one of them . With a sigh , Var - Sen stood and returned to his room where he finished dressing . The drive to Central Kansas University was almost an hour , but he enjoyed it . He liked the open areas around the town of Smallville , and even the campus itself felt peaceful . He worked there as the college librarian , where he could read , and read , and read , and occasionally help some young , fresh mind with the abundance of Earth literature . Kara had been staring out the window as the bus drove down the street , stopping now and then to pick up a few students before making its way to Smallville High . She hadn 't exactly been day - dreaming , but Kara wasn 't exactly paying attention to what was going on in the bus . She kept to herself , for the most part , until someone sat next to her . " Hi , I 'm Misty you must be new . " " Huh ? Oh , hi . " Kara said , somewhat surprised that someone was talking to her . The girl next to her had honey blond hair and deep , blue eyes . " New ? Oh , yes . This is my first time going to school . " Kara admitted . " Huh ? Oh , hi . " Kara said , somewhat surprised that someone was talking to her . The girl next to her had honey blond hair and deep , blue eyes . " New ? Oh , yes . This is my first time going to school . " Kara admitted . " Oh how fun ! Well this is my first day of high school . Do you have a name ? What did you do before if you didn 't go to school before " Misty rambles on as she looks over the blond hair blue eyed girl that sat next to her . Misty could talk someones ear off and enjoyed making new friends . " Your really pretty but whats with the fashion sense ? " Bruce sat silently in the back of the Mercedes Benz as Alfred drove him to the school . As the car pulled up to the front of the school , his stomach jumped . He didn 't like being nervous , but he couldn 't help it . Getting out of the car , Bruce noticed a red sign in the front of the school , reading : " Smallville High Home of the Crows " . Bruce chuckled . Never pictured myself being a Crow , Alfred . Bruce said as he grabbed his backpack from the back seat . Yes Master Bruce , I know . But it is for the best . Enjoy your day at school young master , and I will pick you up later Alfred said as he smiled at Bruce . Bruce smiled back , and had a warm feeling in his stomach . He loved Alfred . The Mercedes Benz drove off , leaving Bruce Wayne standing there , in front of the Smallville High , just as the buses approached . Ok Bruce , just go with the flow of things . Maybe they won 't really notice that you are a billionare Bruce said to himself . Then he thought about what he just said . Oh , like the Mercedes Benz didn 't show that much already . Bruce threw the back pack over his shoulder , and moved onto the sidewalk , out of the way of the oncoming bus . He did not know what to expect . There he stood , wearing a black t - shirt and brown Khakis , and everyone else wore jeans , t - shirts , and even some flannel button up shirts . He didn 't fit in , he stuck out , and he knew it . But that 's ok , he thought to himself , things have been worse before . He could survive this place . And he always had his martial arts to calm him down . Bruce had taken up Jiujitsu when he was a freshman , and found that it was easy for him , and it made him at ease . Every night before he went to bed , he would practise on his Bag , and then do some excersise , and finally , in the middle of the night , he would sleep . Sleeping wasn 't easy for him , because of extreme insomnia , but he seemed to manage . Bruce didn 't know what exactly to do . He just stood there as the buses pulled up behind him . He turned to see who was stepping off of the bus , to see who he would be working with for the next __________________ He sighed . Charles was Charles Cromley , the Dean of History at CKU . And John was a history buff . In truth , the history he knew the most about was the history of the planet Krypton . However , he doubted a group of high school students would believe him if he told them how Sor - El , the first in the House of El , brought all the Houses together and ended Krypton 's 100 Year War . He had become fascinated with Earth history , however , and being Kryptonian he had lived through much of it so far . Even though he was without the powers of a true Kryptonian , his lifespan was considerable longer than a human 's . And still , to this day , he appeared to be only in his mid - 30 's , though he was much , much older . And it was because all of this John had agreed to give a lecture to a class of high school students on the great accomplishments of the 20th Century . In two days , no less . Well , he was a scientist in truth , so he was sure they would find him incredibly boring . Bruce set his bag down on the bench , then proceeded to sit on the bench . He thought if he could remember anything about the people in this town , from what Alfred had told him . He couldn 't remember anything really , just a couple of last names , but no reason to remember them . He thought a little bit more . Alfred 's voice rang through his head . Remember Master Bruce , there are kind people here that won 't judge you . The Kent 's for instance , I have heard some great things about the family . The Kents . It was the only name that he could remember anything about . ' Well , I don 't see any chances of meeting one of them here . If they are as great Alfred suggested , they probably won 't really have anything to do with me . ' Bruce thought . He didn 't even fit in for them . Bruce tried to think harder . There must have been something Alfred said that could get him through the day . He remembered the name Luthor , but nothing more then that . He remembered something about the Johnson 's , and the Reynolds , but nothing that would help him . Bruce glanced at his watch . The time for school to begin was getting close , and he did not want to walk into those doors alone . He looked around again at all the people walking by . Here we go then . No turning back now . " Oh how fun ! Well this is my first day of high school . Do you have a name ? What did you do before if you didn 't go to school before " Misty rambles on as she looks over the blond hair blue eyed girl that sat next to her . Misty could talk someones ear off and enjoyed making new friends . " Your really pretty but whats with the fashion sense ? " " Kara Kent . I live out on a farm near the outskirts of town , helping my Dad with the work around there . It keeps us pretty busy , so I haven 't had any time to go to school before hand . Just picked up with I could from books and such . " Kara admitted , somewhat embarrassed that she hadn 't any real education prior to today . She looked down at her clothes with a bit of confusion . " My fashion sense ? " Kara asked , not exactly sure what Misty was asking about . She had put on , at least what she considered , normal clothes to wear . " I kind of like it . Why , is something wrong ? " she asked , perhaps maybe gaining a better understanding of how high school kids normally dressed . " oh nothing is wrong with it honey , just different for a pretty girl like you . " Misty said with a smile on her face , as she offered out her hand . There was something interesting about this girl . Misty then continued her conversation with Kara while she felt her head start to hurt . She thought nothing of it and continued the ride and conversation with Kara . Slinging her bag over one shoulder , a 17 year old girl with jet black hair and somewhat over done dark , eye make - up , trudged up the isle of the school bus . She glanced around at all of the faces and saw nothing but an annoying sea of freshman . Erin definitely didn 't care for any of this new faces already . There were a good few high - heel wearing , young blondes giggling away in their little groups ; all in all in made Erin sick to think that she had to put up with such cheerfulness for a whole damn year . Well there was always teaching them the ways of high school , i . e . keep your mouth shut or else . The black haired teen slumped down into a seat opposite two blondes , one talking a thousand miles an hour about fashion and the other asking what was wrong with her choice of clothes . Erin rolled her eyes , took a deep breath and tried her hardest not to get angered . Regardless she couldn 't stop herself from muttering a sarcastic comment , " The red jacket just makes her eyes pop , don 't you think ? " She shook her head and looked back out of the window . School sucked . Life sucked . She just had to get on with it . And to top it all off there was an irritating tingling in her stomach . Each time her attention was caught by the motor mouth across the isle , Erin 's eyes fell on the blonde next to her . She just couldn 't shrug that annoying pain in her tummy . It was the burn . Of all the days it chose to play up it had to be today , the day she was to be plagued by all these new faces to Smallville High . It 's gonna be one long day , she thought , pressing her palm against the spot she knew all too well . . . the physical reminder of that day 10 years ago . She could hear her mother 's screams , her dad trying desperately to save his only child , his daughter … her . But she couldn 't see their faces . They 'd just faded away into a blur along with all that was her life before the meteor shower . She could remember getting everything she ever wanted for her birthdays and more , they were a happy family , a rich family . Last year onErin 's attention was drawn back once again by a question directed at her . She didn 't even bother to turn her head and grace them with a look , only replying with a bitter , " What 'd you want small fry ? " " The red jacket just makes her eyes pop , don 't you think ? " Misty agreed with her though hurt by the girls rudeness towards her conversation . Misty looked at her trying to figure her out why she would be so mean to her when she hadn 't done anything wrong when she heard the girls voice but her lips didn 't move . " God that girl is a motor mouth i wish she would just shut up . " Misty quickly replied " I don 't know what your problem with me is but I 'm not a motor mouth . " Kara smiled at Misty , but she could tell that the way she looked really did set her apart from the other students on the bus . Perhaps she should ask her parents to take her out on one of their free days to go shopping ? She shrugged the thought aside as Misty exchanged a few words with a dark haired girl that sat in the seat opposite of them . Was it something that Kara had said that might have caused tension between them ? She didn 't think so . . . but the notion still bothered her . Thankfully , before any more animosity could potentially develop their bus pulled up to to Smallville High School parking lot . The doors swung open and a mass exodus took place as students of all ages filed out and began swarming the school property . Kara followed out silently , her hands at both sides as she looked all around her . " Wow . " she said , somewhat amazed at the size of the school . To most students it was fairly unimpressive , but since this was her first time at any public school facility she was deeply impressed . Looking around she saw quite a few grouping of students hanging out on some benches or on the grass , their backpacks laying down beside them as they gossiped or goofed around . A football whizzed by Kara 's head but she didn 't flinch at all . Instead her hand reached up instinctively and she caught it . " Hey , pass it here . " a male voice called from across the lawn . Kara glanced up and saw a blond haired student , wearing a red and yellow jacket with an S emblem on one sleeve , waving at her . " Come on man , look at her . Probably doesn 't even know how to throw a football . Just go get it from her . " Well . . . not knowing exactly how to throw a football , Kara more or less lobbed it at him . Luckily it was a direct pass , and she avoided embarrassing herself on the first day . What she didn 't see was that she had thrown it pretty hard , and it smacked against the football jocks chest before landing on the ground . " Dude , nice catch . " " Shut up . " Kara scratched her head as she made her way up the front steps leading into the building . She remem __________________ The bell had rung . The dreaded time had come . The last school bus arrived delivering the final students . Bruce noticed a blonde haired girl , wearing an old red coat , walking , looking as nervous as he was . Amazingly , she caught a football out of the air , with incredible speed . The bell rang moments later . Bruce grabbed his bag and headed in . The dreaded moment had come . He walked towards the door , not wanting to go in . " K , so which way is that ? " a voice came out from behind him . He turned to see the blonde haired girl behind him , looking at a piece of paper . Excuse me ? Where is what ? Bruce asked the girl . I don 't know where anything is here , only the office so I can get a schedule . But I would love to help you out . Bruce added as she looked up at him . My name is Bruce . Bruce Wayne . I 'm new here , from Gotham City . May I ask who you are ? he asked . " I 'm looking for the guidance office , I suppose . It 's where my father told me to go first . " Kara said , looking at a rather . . . well not exactly preppy but definitely someone who seemed more fit in a board room than a school hallway . He had dark hair and blue eyes , introducing himself as Bruce Wayne . " My name 's Kara Kent . I 'm from around here but this is my first time at the school . Guess we 're both in the same boat , so to speak . " she added , a polite smile lining her face . " So , you said you know where the office is , right ? " she asked , trying not to sound rude or too pushy , but then again the warning bell had rung and she would hate to be late to her first class . " I 'm looking for the guidance office , I suppose . It 's where my father told me to go first . " Kara said , looking at a rather . . . well not exactly preppy but definitely someone who seemed more fit in a board room than a school hallway . He had dark hair and blue eyes , introducing himself as Bruce Wayne . " My name 's Kara Kent . I 'm from around here but this is my first time at the school . Guess we 're both in the same boat , so to speak . " she added , a polite smile lining her face . " So , you said you know where the office is , right ? " she asked , trying not to sound rude or too pushy , but then again the warning bell had rung and she would hate to be late to her first class . Kent , Kara Kent , as in one of the Kents that Alfred had talked to him about ? Well Kara , it 's very nice to meet you . Bruce said smiling back at the young girl . He paused a moment . There was something about this girl , something he couldn 't quit put his finger on . Bruce was usually a good judge of character , but he couldn 't label anything about Kara . Oh , the office ? Yeah , I know where it is . Alfred showed me around here yesterday , so I had some idea where I was . It 's just over here Bruce said , almost forgetting that Kara had questioned him . He looked down the hallway towards the office . A sea of red and yellow lettermen jackets filled the corridor . " Who 's Alfred ? " Kara asked blankly as Bruce showed her the direction of the office . She shrugged the thought aside as they started off in the direction of the guidance department . They had to weave their way in between crowds of students and teachers , each one trying to get to their respective classes before the bells would ring . Kara finally ducked into the main administrative office and saw an elderly woman sitting at a desk with a phone to her ear . No , six o ' clock would be fine . " Guess we better wait . " Kara said , glancing at a few empty chairs as she overheard the secretary talking on the phone . She had barely taken a seat when her ears picked up the sound of a phone clamping down . She looked up to see the secretary glance over in her and Bruce 's direction . " How can I help you ? " she asked , shifting her eyes back and forth between the two . Alfred ? Oh , yeah . He 's my butler . Bruce said as they walked to the office . A woman looked up at the two , and asked if she could help them . Why yes ma ' am . We both need our schedules . I think we are the only two who don 't have any . We 're both new here , so . . . Bruce said as the lady smiled at them . Bruce thought about what she would be thinking . Of course , seeing a young man dressed in a black T with tan khakis , and a young woman wearing blue and an old red jacket , I 'd wonder what was going on too . Bruce chuckled to himself , quietly , hoping that no one heard him . The lady typed something on the computer , and asked for the names of the two students . Bruce Wayne , ma ' am . And this is Kara Kent Bruce said . He felt ridiculous answering for Kara , but it just came out . He liked saying her name . Kent made him feel more welcome . " You have a butler ? " Kara asked , a little surprised but she smiled nonetheless . The Kent 's were not exactly ' rich ' , so Kara always found it neat whenever she met someone who was ' well - off ' , so to speak . She hadn 't heard of Gotham City before , and she figured that it had to be in a state other than Kansas . Kara glanced up at the secretary as she started typing into her computer , her fingers moving at a rather rapid rate that amazed her . Kara could move fast . . . but typing on a keyboard was something foreign to her . " Kent . . . Kent . . . " " Oh here we are . Just give me one second and I 'll print out your class schedule . " the secretary said as she pushed a few more buttons . Within a moment or two the printer next to her spat out a piece of paper , and Kara took hold of it when it was handed to her . " There you go . " " Thank you . " Kara said gratefully . She glanced down at her schedule as the secretary pulled up Bruce 's own records . While not a very long list , Kara could tell that she had quite the work load . There seemed to be classes covering a rather general spectrum of topics , from English Literature to a basic science course . Each class was proceeded by a period number and there was a time slot given as well . Glancing at the clock in the guidance office Kara saw that she had a minute or two before her first class started . " You better get going , dear . " Kara heard the elderly woman say as she looked up at her standing there . Kara nodded her head and turned to Bruce as she walked out into the empty hallway . " What class does it say for you ? " __________________ Yeah , Alfred is amazing . He 's like my father . He 's been with me my entire life . Bruce said , answering her question . As Bruce and Kara walked down the hallway , away from the office , Kara asked him what class she had . I happen to have a typing class . Just down the hallway , no wait he said , looking at the paper , trying to remember the school . Upstairs . The typing lab is upstairs . Bruce corrected himself . He looked over at Kara , and noticed her eyes . Her red jacket just made them stick out , as much as Bruce stuck out in this hallway . What do you have ? Bruce asked Kara as they began to head upstairs . " Not typing , I 'm afraid . I think my first class is . . . Home Economics . Guess that means I get to learn how to cook . Oh joy . " Kara said , sticking her tongue out in disgust . She spent enough time at home cooking with her mother , so at least she 'd get an easy 100 for the class . She walked with Bruce towards the stairwell leading up to the other levels , but her own class was still on this floor . " Anyways I 've got to get going . Maybe we 'll meet up later , k ? " she asked , wondering if she 'd get to see Bruce at any other point in the day . It was nice to have made at least one good friend that she could talk to . Misty on the bus seemed more like the kind of person to do the talking whereas Bruce seemed at least interested what she had to say . With a wave she headed off in the direction of her home ec . class , the smell of baked goods filling the air as she drew closer . " You 're late . " an elderly woman remarked to her as she stepped inside the classroom . Kara saw quite a few students already at their stations , aprons around their bodies and their hands covered in paste . " Sorry . " Kara apologized , explaining her situation . The teacher gave her a disapproving nod and then pointed her in the direction of her table . Putting on her apron Kara stood next to a girl who seemed to be the same age as herself , and for the next half hour or so they attempted to make a rather small cake . It didn 't come out quite like the picture in the book , but it didn 't really matter . At one point during class a small ' food fight ' broke out between two male students , apparently disputing over whether or not they 'd date this girl named Melissa . Kara couldn 't help but smile as the teacher escorted them to the high school office . When she returned the warning bell had rung , signaling the end of class . Putting away their equipment and washing their hands clean , Kara and the rest of her classmates filed out of the classroom and headed off towards their next class . Kara glanced down at her schedule and saw that she had a history class next . Erin frowned . The weird thing was , she could have sworn she had said nothing of the sort out loud . She simply turned away from the girl and clutched at her stomach , under the cover of her bag of course . Heaven forbid anyone think that she was weak . She knew she should probably take a trip to the doctors after school as well , well , that was if her idiot foster parents decided that she was allowed to go . It mattered not what those old geezers thought , She would probably just climb out the window any . Reaching into her bag , Erin pulled out a tiny black iPod and turned it on , it was her attempt to rid herself of these irritating freshman . Well , it worked . If only for the fact that the bus had already pulled up outside the High School . Well doesn 't time just fly when your having fun . Misty saw the girl just turn away and put on her ipod . she also was sensing the girl was in pain and agitated about something so realized it was best to leave her alone for the time being . She said her goodbyes to Kara and told her that she hoped to see her in classes today . After getting off the bus she ran up to her clique of friends she had for some time . Some of them she hadn 't seen since the last day of school last year so their gossip started some of them not being able to get a word in edge wise . Misty 's headache which had died down started up again . One of her friends was glaring at her as she was telling her about her date with Johnny one of the most popular boys in their class . Then she heard something again and noticed that her lips didn 't move . " I bet she puts out thats why she keeps getting dates with the cute guys . " Misty just shrugged her off thinking it was strange that people were talking to her without moving their lips . She decided it wasn 't worth worrying about as she trotted off to her homeroom to find out where her first class was . After looking at her schedule she realized she had Biological Sciences for first class and grunted at that . God science is so boring . Bruce watched as Kara walked down the hallway , away from him . He smiled . He headed upstairs to his class , thinking about what Alfred had said about the Kents . He was right . Very nice . Bruce 's typing class went ok . He was late , but the teacher didn 't seem to mind much . The class was a piece of cake . Typing was easy for Bruce . He had been doing it for a long time , especially when he had signed over Wayne Enterprises to the company board , untill his return . The bell rang , and Bruce grabbed his bag . He hadn 't noticed anyone special in the class , but did hear a name that sounded familiar , but couldn 't think of it as he tried . Walking outside of the class , he glanced at his schedule . History . Great . Bruce hated history . It was boring for him . He headed down towards the class room to see a girl that he had noticed ealier , listening to a black I - pod , with a " gothic " look on her face . Bruce tried not to stare , but was curious as to who this girl was . She didn 't look that nice , but he didn 't say anything . Bruce walked into the History class room , and sat down next to the door , in the front seat . He was not looking forward to this class . But he knew that he had to get through it , and it wasn 't going to be the worst part of his day . . . |
Praise God , and thank you all for visiting and hopefully becoming a follower of Daddy 's Wives . Our mission is to make this a blog of comfort and encouragement for those who are looking to heal from the traumatic effects of child sexual abuse as well as increase awareness and preventive measures against child sexual abuse . I will be posting updates on book signings , literary events , discussion panels , as well as links and resources to help us all in the healing process . Once again I look forward to the uplifting words and support we will be providing one another . I give all praises and honor to God . I have trusted in God to walk me through this journey . I am confident that God 's angels have watched over me during the difficult times in my life . This blog was created for those who have been sexual abused as a child and are in the healing process . It is a home for us to comfort one another and support each other as we face the challenges of each day . My book entitled " Daddy 's Wives " is my true life testimony on how God alone brought me out of the nightmare of sexual abuse as a child at the hands of my father . I have taken a lifelong commitment and I am dedicated to encouraging and motivating other victims of child sexual abuse that we can make it , we can become SURVIVORS ! Savannah M . My story begins on a warm , bright , and sunny day in May . What a beautiful day it is . One of those days you wake up and hear the birds singing and the rush of a cool breeze coming through the bedroom window . I can hear Jada , my granddaughter , down the hall singing and practicing her graduation march . She tells us to hurry and get dressed because she wants to be on time . My daughter Alexis and I smile at her and hurry to get dressed . Today is my granddaughter 's pre - school graduation . It is one of the biggest days in the mind of a young child , as well as for the parents and relatives of that young and innocent soul . My daughter and I are pulling into the Lakeland Elementary School parking lot . There are several people getting out of cars and walking toward the school . Jada is so happy ; she sees some of her friends and calls out to them . She asked her mom if she can go with them and her mom gives her that motherly nod of approval with a loving smile . They all look so nice and grown up with their little graduation clothes on . As we enter the auditorium , it is vibrant with people talking and hugging each other and looking for seats . You can feel the unconditional affection in this room as people gather to support the young lives of those they care so much about . We find some good seats on the third row , near the end . I look around and there are mothers , fathers , grandparents , and friends all around . The air is full of joy and filled with a festive mood . I stand and look toward the door ; I can see my granddaughter 's class appear in the doorway because they will be the first class to march . I am so excited that my heart jumps with joy . I touch my daughter directing her to take pictures of Jada standing in line . I tell Alexis , Jada is the fourth girl in line . Jada looks cute with her pretty pink dress , pink and white socks , and white shoes . Her hair is in a cute bun on top with a white flower . She is beautiful . My daughter stands up to catch the first shot of Jada with the camera . As her class marches in to the beat of " The Graduation March " , lights start flashing everywhere with people standing in their chairs with cameras and camcorders catching that great moment . Everybody is yelling and clapping proudly . As Jada is approaching the aisle , turning toward the stage , I look at her smiling face . There she is , five years old , acting so mature , looking so innocent . She is marching to the beat on time , like a college graduate . Jada passes by with her head held high . And as her classmates pass by in a single line they walk proudly too , looking like winners of an Oscar award walking the red carpet . To my surprise tears come to my eyes and begin to run down my face . I am overwhelmed by everything that 's going on around me . Then I realize something is happening . My mind and all my thoughts are not in this auditorium any more . My mind begins to play back my life when I was five and I realize I am in the past . I am now remembering back over forty - five years earlier . The tears begin to flow more , and my heart begins to ache , my throat now begins to fill with tears . I can see myself at five years old , but this little girl is crying and this little five - year - old girl is hurting . All of a sudden I feel like jumping up and running out of this auditorium . My mind is telling me to run but my feet are not moving . What am I going to do ? Just as my mind leaves , it returns . My mind takes me back to this past , and then my mind returns to the present because I can now hear the people begin to clap as the children are seated . I realize this is my granddaughter 's day . This is her graduation day . Jada had worked and practiced long and hard for this day . As I look on the stage I see her eyes searching the crowd to find her mother and her grandma . I wave and she waves back and this reassurance brings such a peaceful look over her face . The teachers prepare to pass out the awards . As each child 's name is called he stands up and walks across the stage . The cheering and clapping is loud . Each child after receiving their award turns and bows to the crowd . I am so happy for them . My granddaughter walks across the stage , up to the teacher , and reaches for her award . As she receives it , she turns to the audience and says , " Dear God , please give me the strength to hold back this awful pain and hurt I am feeling . Please Lord , not now . Let it be later when I can deal with it . " After the ceremony , my daughter and I take Jada out to dinner at a restaurant . We let her choose which restaurant . She quickly shouted she wanted to go to Captain Lobster 's & Seafood . She loves seafood , especially lobsters . She loved the lobster shells because she always wants to take them home just so her mother could end up throwing them away . At the table she goes on and on about her graduation day . It was so good to see her so happy and smiling again because in January , Jada 's grandfather had passed away . She loved him very much . She was there the morning he was having a heart attack and died at home , she was strong during this time and she said , She was my rock during this time , just a child , but so strong . Today she is full of joy and I am happy for her . She even shows the waiter her two awards she received and to our surprise they bring her a little cupcake with a candle on it , which makes her just laugh and laugh so hard . She hugs the waiter and kisses her mama and me . Then my daughter tells her she has another surprise for her . This was a trip to the movies to the new Disney picture that Jada had been so anxious to see . She asks the server for her lobster shell to take home . Then she walks around the table and says to me , Jada then turns and gives me this long hard hug , and she was right on - time . I needed to hear those words and I needed that hug . Jada and Alexis left the restaurant . As I watched them leave out the door and get into their car a strange feeling came over me that disconnected from the moment . I got up and decided to go home . I walked in the house , took off my shoes and started to undress . I suddenly stopped what I was doing and said to myself , After two hours at my computer I got up to stretch my legs and prepare a cup of coffee . Everything seemed different ; I begin to have strange feelings consume me . I felt there was this person inside of me crying to come out . So I went back to the computer and my mind began to play my past like an old movie on a black and white screen . I could see me , Savannah , a four - year - old little girl playing outdoors , jumping rope on a hot sunny day . Oh , it was such a lovely day and I was such a pretty little girl , two long ponytails , with pretty ribbons , and a cute face with a smile that went from ear to ear . I was very short with pretty fat little legs , like my momma . On this day I was dressed in a white dress that seemed to blow and move with the wind . I looked like an angel . I was so happy and carefree at this age . I loved playing with my dolls and sharing with my sister . We would make mud pies and set up play stores to sell leaves and rocks to my brothers . I loved the sunrise in the early mornings , I loved getting up with my mama and looking at the night 's sky filled with the shining stars , I loved when my mom would take us in after playing late outdoors . I loved everybody ! I loved life ! My thoughts took me back to when I was a child and we lived at 1307 Macon Street , which was my grandparents ' house . It was a big house with two stories and was painted white with green trimmings . There was a very large back porch and when you opened the door there was this large kitchen where I remember eating some of the best soul food I have ever tasted . The next room was the den with grandpa 's leather recliner sofa and big radio . Grandpa was always playing the radio with a preacher preaching or religious music . To the right of the living room was a bedroom ; straight ahead was another large bedroom that led to the front room . From the front room , there were a set of stairs that led to the four bedrooms on the second floor . There was a large screened in porch with a green swing that all the children loved to play on . Only three of us could sit in the swing at a time , but we took turns . There was this huge peach tree in the back yard , and in the summer , my grandpa would let us pick peaches from his peach tree , and we would eat until our stomachs hurt . My grandmother would sometimes make peach cobbler , which was delicious . Sometimes she would preserve them and they would end up being the best jam in town . I can almost taste that peach jam on some of grandma 's homemade hot biscuits right out of the oven . My mother , Maureen Oakes , was married to a Marine Staff Sergeant whom I saw only once in my life and never as a child . He was always gone , always out to sea for months and months . My mother told us that our father 's name was Darnell William Oakes , and she had borne him four children , my two brothers , Darnell Jr . and Greg , my sister Tracy , and me . My mother , Maureen Oakes , was the baby of her mother , Ruby Wright and Walley Wright . She was her mother 's favorite child and she always did as she pleased . As a young woman , she was very promiscuous . Because of her wild lifestyle her parents sent her to New Jersey to live with her oldest brother and his wife , hoping to change her ways . She did the same in New Jersey so her brother sent her back to Wakefield , North Carolina . It was there she met and married Darnell William Oakes . While he was out to sea , Maureen still lived the nightlife . We left my grandparents ' house and moved to this large and spacious home on Coventry Road . We had a good time living there with the wide backyard and the trees that my brothers loved to climb . In the summer the house was cool with the air conditioning and in the winter the house was nice and warm all through the house . The house was white with green shutters , a pretty white picket fence , green grass , and yellow sunflowers that grew tall . Then one day my mother traded this spacious four - bedroom house , which was in a rather affluent neighborhood , with my Aunt Doris . She traded for this small crummy old apartment over my grandparents ' garage which had only one small living room , bedroom , and a kitchen that was even smaller . It smelled old . I did not like it the first time I walked up those raggedy stairs made of rotten wood . In the middle of the front room was an old stove that burned wood and once it got hot , it would turn a bright hot red . On a rainy and stormy day it would be lightning hard outdoors . The whole house would rock on its foundation like a rocking chair . Life was not easy living over my grandparents ' garage . I did not like our new home at all . My mom kept a nice and neat house , but this was not like the other house . During the day we watched the trains on the track pull into the coal yard to load up . Every night after we got into bed we would hear the train on the tracks again pulling lots of train boxcars full of coal . Things seemed to go from good to worst . My mom 's decisions were affecting all of our lives . I remember the day my mom met her lifelong boyfriend . I remember that day very well because that meeting would change my life and end my childhood forever . It was a very hot summer morning and my mom woke all of the children up , bathed and dressed us . She dressed my brothers in their little short sets with bow ties and white shoes . My sister and I were dressed in cute dresses that had starched slips that scratched our legs as we walked with white buckled shoes . My mom put on this beautiful pink dress with a pink belt , and white high heels to show off her big legs . She always smelled good . The girls held hands and walked together and the boys did the same while my mom walked behind us . We all walked downtown which was on 17th Street . We kept walking until we came to this barbershop with a red and white pole that kept turning . My mom walked us into the shop and told us to sit together and be quiet . There were two men in this barbershop and they were cutting men 's hair . They had three barber chairs , a real shiny floor , and a big fan over our head that was turning slowly . There were clipper 's hanging on the side of the desk where they were working . All three chairs had bottles of green colored water on each desk . Mirrors were everywhere . My mom stood up . As she was looking out of the door , she saw one of her friends , Ms . Veronica come by . She told us to stay and she went out the door and talked to her . As she was walking slowly out the door , she was twisting her hips and I saw the barber in the first chair watching her every move . Even as she stood outside with her hand on her hip talking to the woman , he continued to watch her . When the barber finished his customer , he went to the sink , washed his hands , and then went outside . My mom , her friend , and he stood outside talking and laughing . My mom and the man came back into the shop , and he cut my brother Darnell 's hair , first . Then he cut my Brother Greg 's hair as my mother stood by the barber and watched . My mom and this man were talking and smiling at one another . Then he brushed my brother 's hair , removed the apron , and my brother jumped out of the chair . My mom got a piece of paper from him and wrote something down . My mom came over to us and introduced him . The man made it clear that he was not just a barber , but he owned this barbershop business , pieces of real estate property , and someday he would be a millionaire . This man was very light skinned with a shiny gold tooth on the right and green eyes that scared me the first time I saw them . My mom appeared to be impressed with this man . He introduced himself as Luther Cornell Yates , Jr . He was a farmer boy who worked his Daddy 's fields . He quit school at an early age to help his father on the farm . Life on the farm was very poor . When he finished working the fields in the day , his evenings were filled with customers whose hair he cut . He said he learned to cut hair on an old stump in the back yard and he claimed people would come from miles around and wait all day just to get a haircut by this gifted boy . Luther wanted to be more than a struggling farmer ; he wanted to be rich and well known . At the age of 18 , he left the farm in Macon with only ten cents in his pocket , as the story was told , and moved to the city . My mom said it was time to go because she had some things to do . Mister Yates gave all of us a dollar before we left . We walked down 17th Street until we came to the 5 & 10 - cent store called Woolworth 's , where we bought toys . The girls bought a jump rope and bobby jacks , the boys got a bag of marbles and a small ball . On the way to the next store there was a photographer who was taking pictures . My mom told him she wanted him to take our picture . He sat all four of us on this bench with my brothers on the left and my sister and I on the right . He told us to smile and he took our picture . We left him and went to the ice cream parlor and had an ice cream cone . After that my mom called a cab to take us back home . That evening she was smiling and singing while she was preparing dinner . After feeding us and getting us ready for bed , she started to dress . I sat in the corner of the front room and just watched her as she prepared herself for this date . She was a pretty lady . Her skin was a pecan brown and very smooth . I always loved to watch her as she put on her stockings . First , she would roll them down in her hands then hold out one leg and pull them up until she reached the garter . Then she would put out the other leg and do the same . The stockings would look so nice on her big legs . When I would rub up against them they were silky and soft . Her hair was long and black . She would always wear her hair in an upsweep position . My mother looked good in every thing she put on . Once she finished dressing , she stood in front of the mirror and turned all around so she could see how nice she was looking . Soon there was a knock on the door , it was my Uncle Max . He had come over to babysit us so my mom could go out on her date . She told us all to go to bed and I heard her rushing out the door . I looked around the corner of the room as she reached back into the door to grab her purse . I tiptoed out the room and went into the front room and looked out the window . I saw a big , shiny , blue car parked in the driveway . This man got out and opened the car door for her and he was smiling . Then I saw the gold tooth just shining and I knew who he was . It was the man from the barbershop , who had cut my brothers ' hair earlier that day . It was the barber , Mister Luther Cornell Yates Jr . I could then hear my Uncle Max coming up the stairs , and I quickly ran back and jumped in the bed . After that night , my mom went out a lot and my uncle kept us night after night . Sometimes my mom would not return home until the next day . She started bringing in lots of bags and in those bags were new expensive clothes she would put on to go on her dates . He even bought her jewelry and good smelling perfumes . This went on forever to me because my mom did not have time in the evenings to be with us . In the morning she was always on the phone with him making plans to be with him that evening , and so we were left another night without her there with us . Shortly after those nights out , I recall my mom started getting sick . She was throwing up all the time . She would be so sick that she would lie down on the bed for most of the day . Then her stomach started to grow larger and she began to gain weight . The light - skinned barber started coming up the stairs and in the house . One day when we came home from school , my mom was not there . My grandma told us she had gone to the hospital to have a baby and she was going to keep us until my mom returned home . She had given birth to a little girl and named her Heather Annette Oakes . In about three days she came home with this baby wrapped in a beautiful pink blanket . Even though this was Luther 's baby , her last name was Oakes like our last name because my mother was still married to my father , Darnell W . Oakes . She used his Marine medical benefits for the doctor and hospital expenses for having the baby . In reality , Heather was my mother 's and Luther Cornell Yates Jr . 's , the barber , first child together . That evening when my mom bought the baby home , I walked over to the baby 's crib which was in the living room . I pulled the blanket back and I saw a little light baby who was crying . She looked like the barber that my mom was dating , almost white . When I turned around he was standing there with those scary green eyes reaching out to hold me . I started twisting and turning my body to get from his grip . He had this real sneaky laugh that I can hear in my head even now . Then he said , I took one look and ran out of the room . Since the baby was born he was always there at the house . One day he bought his brother Gordon over to see his baby . I recall Gordon asking Luther the barber , I later realized my mother knew the barber was married with children . Luther Cornell Yates , Jr . was married to Joann Reid Yates whom he married September 1 , 1944 . To this union were six children . Joann knew that L . C . ( this is what he wanted people to call him , short for Luther Cornell ) was seeing a woman in Wakefield . My mom had met L . C . before the barbershop meeting . I was told ; she met him at a nightclub , where he played in a band . She accepted the fact that she was his mistress . Before she started seeing this barber , my mother had lots of time for us . She would play with us , take us to the movies , and treat us to popcorn and ice cream . But now , from the time she got up in the morning until the time we went to bed , she would be preparing to leave us every chance she could , which was often . The house was always cold , and we did not appear to have a lot of money . However we had each other . My brothers , my sisters , and I were very close then . That summer of 1956 , my mother took us around the corner from my grandparents ' house to pull up weeds and clean up this yard . I remember that there was so much debris and wild roots to pull up , it seemed like we would never finish . L . C . would come out where we were working and tell us this is where he was going to build a house for our mother and us all to live . He said our new house would have three bedrooms , a large kitchen , a bathroom , a living room , and a porch . I was so happy because it sounded like the house we had moved from before we moved in the apartment over my grandparents ' garage . Now my brothers will not have to hide under the steps until their school friends left so they could come up the stairs . He called us all together and told us he was our Daddy and we were to call him " Daddy " . He even told my mama , to call him Daddy , too , and she did . Within the next few weeks , Daddy started construction on the lot to build us a house as he had promised . My mom would have us up late at night while she was painting and cleaning . We all would fall asleep in the house because she would be working so late getting the house ready . Within six months the house was completed . We moved in , and it was a nice house . I remember you came in the back door and you walked into the kitchen . The next room was like the dining room , and then there was the living room which led to the front porch . To get to the bedrooms you had to come in the dining room and facing that room was Mama 's bedroom . Then , to the left down the hall was the girls ' room with the baby 's crib and to the right of her room was the boys ' room . After the house was completed , Daddy began to come by the house every night . When he closed the barbershop at night he would come to our house and stay until late . He never slept at the house ; he would be gone in the morning . I was only five years old at this time but I felt a major change had taken place in my life . Now Daddy had become the " King of the castle . " That 's how Mama addressed him sometimes . The first thing I remember let me know he was taking over was when he started eating at the house . One of the first rules he implemented and mama made sure we followed it to the letter was ; we children were not allowed to eat until Daddy had finished eating . We all had to come in and sit down and watch Daddy eat , and then when he was finished , we could eat . My mother had begun to place him as number one . Also , when he came in we were told to do whatever he wanted . Our job was to serve him without question . It was obvious my mother had fallen deeply in love with this man . Another one of Daddy 's rules was that he wanted all the girls to greet him " properly " with a kiss , not on the cheeks , but directly in the mouth . This was to be done when we entered into the room for the first time or when we left the premises . As a five - year - old little girl , I did not want to kiss any man , especially in the mouth . I hated kissing him like that and having to greet this man called Daddy this way , but my mother insisted and I had no choice . When I would hear him coming into the house in the morning , I would run and hide but my mama would call my name and make me come and kiss him . I made it abundantly clear through my body language that I did not want to kiss him . I would start to cry and after I kissed him , she would send me to my room . When Daddy left for the barbershop , Mama would argue and fuss and sometimes even beat me for my behavior . So I learned early on that if I did not want any beatings , I had to obey . |
In my first 40 years , I have accomplished a lot and I have failed a lot , but I have learned lessons all along the way . I have been blessed with a family that loves me . Growing up , when I needed a friend , I always had several that lived under my roof . When things that would happen that would really hurt , they would be there . My heart was broken more times than I care to count . It would never make any sense at all . It never made sense , no matter how much I would want it to . Until one day , when I finally met my husband . Then it made sense . None of the other guys were meant to be my husband and the father to my children . No matter how much I wanted them to be , it just wasn 't supposed to be that way . I have been blessed to be with my husband for 12 years . He loves me ! I have changed a lot in 12 years . I have had long hair , short hair , medium length hair . I have been thinner and fatter and in between . My weight has always been one of my biggest struggles . It just can 't stay the same , but I guess I need to be thankful for that . With my luck , it would pick one of my heavier weights and stick with that . I have four wonderful children . They all have different characteristics , which keeps life amazing ! In the end , they have the same values . This is the important thing . They all know and love God . They all know that our Savior , Jesus Christ , lived and died for us and was risen on the third day . Well , I am not sure if my toddler knows or not , but I do know my three older children do . They know to treat others how they want to be treated . I know that it is a lot easier to gain weight than it is to lose weight . I know that I need to find exercise I love or it just isn 't going to happen . Life is good and it is definitely worth all of the ups and downs . There have been far many ups than downs . I have been blessed to have many friends . Many of my friends from childhood are still my friends today . This year has brought the knowledge that I suffer from celiac disease . My life has changed tremendously in the last month . Going from being a gluten eater to a non - gluten eater has not been easy , but I feel much better because of it . I think I might have managed to lose 1 lb this year . I lost more than 1 lb , but then I gained it all back so I lost a total of 1 lb . At this rate , by the time I am 80 , I will be my ideal weight . Instead , I plan to reach my ideal weight , which is 40 lbs away , this year . Why not lose 40 lbs at the age of 40 ? ! I know I can do it . My biggest downfall was getting depressed after my sister moved out . Food is a great comforter , I need to find a different one ! I am blessed to have the many good friends I have now . Through many moves in the past 12 years , I have added many new friends while keeping previous friends ( I am not sure they want to be called old friends ! ) . May Heavenly Father watch over all of you , my family and friends ! My last few weeks have been overwhelming to say the least . I started a new job on Nov . 30 . I work at the remote encoding center for the USPS . Lets just say , if you don 't write like we learned to in 1st grade , but neater , your letter will likely come across one of our screens . We have to make sure your mail is getting to where it is supposed to go . My regular work week is 45 - 55 hours . I miss my kids . My 5 year - old son turned 6 this week . I can 't believe that is has been six years since he came into our lives . I remember that so clearly . I remember Santa Claus coming to visit him in the hospital when he was just hours old . I remember bringing him home from the hospital and giving him to my dad . He was still in the carseat . My parents ' dog ran over and licked him from his chin to the top of his forehead . They were best friends from that point on . I got my hair highlighted and lowlighted . It isn 't exactly what I wanted . It doesn 't match the picture I brought in , but I am okay with it . I just have to make sure I straighten it or pull it back daily . We had a family picture taken at church . I think it turned out pretty well , when five out of the six of us are smiling , that is a good photo . I miss being home with my children . I know the economy isn 't improving . I know it because I am working . I used to be able to be a stay - at - home mom and we were okay . We could pay our bills and save some money . The money doesn 't go quite as far anymore . The food on the grocery store shelves are more expensive . Prices of almost everything has gone up . The price of gasoline is under $ 3 now , so that is nice ! The last time I went running was the day after Thanksgiving . I didn 't think that would be the last time , but now that it has gotten colder , I can 't put my daughter in a jogger and push her . I would worry she was getting too cold . I miss running . I don 't really know when I can fit in exercise with my schedule as it is . I canceled my weight watchers membership because it was pretty pointless to try to do that . I have no time to track what I eat , and I don 't have much time to eat what I shouldn 't anyway . I have come to realize that I have celiac disease . I remembered that when I had a biopsy for the pemphigoid gestationis that it came back saying that I had a high probability for celiac disease . My stomach was always killing me . I have cut gluten out of my diet and I feel much better . I do miss glutenous foods ( if that is a word ) . Living on rice and corn based meals gets very boring , very fast . Well with all that said , and knowing that I work tomorrow and Christmas , I am very sure I won 't blog again before that . Merry Christmas to you all ! When I look around my house , it is seldom ever clean to the point that I would like it to be . I would love to have a clutter - free life . I can 't watch " Hoarders " because it literally gives me a panic attack . There was a store in the town I grew up in called " Odds n Ends . " I entered that store once . I could barely catch my breath . It was a mess and nothing made sense . Things did not have a place they were supposed to be in , it appeared . I never went in the store again , I couldn 't handle it . But , with that being said , sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude . I am so blessed to have my four children . They light up my life . They are generally the cause of the clutter or disorderliness of my house , but I will absolutely take them over a clean house any day of the week . I was told a couple years before I was married that I would never have children with help from a fertility specialist . That was probably one of the worst days of my life . I remember leaving the doctor 's office and just crying . I wasn 't even sure that I wanted to go home ever again . I couldn 't imagine never being a mommy . I am so thankful that our Heavenly Father knows a lot more than the doctor . I am thankful that he blessed me with them . I have been blessed with wonderful parents . I am so thankful that they managed to find each other , get married , and have six children . My parents have sacrificed so much for us . They would do whatever they could to make sure we would have those things that we needed . We didn 't always get things we wanted , but we always had the things we needed . They showed us how to love others and each other . They taught us the things that we needed to know . They raised us to be best friends . I was raised with my best friends . I am thankful that they love our Heavenly Father . I am thankful that they taught us about our Heavenly Father and our Savior , Jesus Christ . I am sure it was not easy to get six children up and ready for church , since I know how it is to get four children up and ready to go to church . You know , words escape me because to say I am thankful doesn 't seem to express the way I actually feel . I don 't know that there are words that can do that . I love to hear the sounds of my children laughing together . I love to see them playing with each other . I love having time as a family to spend together . During this time of Thanksgiving , I think it is important to ponder what matters most in life . To me , that is my family , including my husband and children , my parents , siblings , their spouses and children , and the rest of my extended family . It also includes my friends , both old and new . I am especially thankful to Heavenly Father and Jesus , for allowing me to have all of these people in my life . There is not a day that goes by that I do not know that I am loved . I let the cheesecake cool at room temperature for 1 1 / 2 hours , then I put it in the freezer for 1 hour to hurry the cooling process . I drizzled it with Hershey 's caramel syrup instead of making a homemade caramel sauce . One thing to remember , you will need a roasting pan . After I made the crust , and poured the filling in , I realized that I needed to fill a roasting pan with hot water , so it would cover halfway up the outside of the springform pan . The worst thing about this recipe , you don 't want to share it , but if you don 't you will likely regret it ! I gave all of it away , except for 1 / 4 of it . I ate 1 / 4 of the 1 / 4 that I had left , then had my husband put it outside in the refrigerator in the garage . Here is a picture of my daughter holding the final product . I guess I should have gotten a close up : ) I can 't believe how fast each year passes by . Last year , I was gearing up for family to come here and stay for Thanksgiving . This year , Thanksgiving is going to be so many fewer people . Last year , I had 16 people , not counting the six of us , staying here for several days around Thanksgiving . On Thanksgiving day , there were 25 of us , that is counting the six of us . I felt so blessed to be surrounded by people that I love . Almost all of these family members were here , and then there have been a couple additions added since then : ) The ones in the photo that weren 't here were truly missed ! This year , it looks like there might be a total of eight of us hear for Thanksgiving . I have a 20 pound turkey , so I am expecting there are going to be a lot of leftovers for sandwiches . I am still hoping that some family members might surprise me and be able to be here , but we will see . I can 't believe that I have a 2 , 5 , 9 and 10 year - old . If you had told me 11 1 / 2 years ago that I would have four children running around the house , I don 't know if I would have believed it . I have been so blessed to be able to be at home and see them grow . They are good little kiddos . I love every minute of being their mom . Watching them grow from infants , to toddlers , to school age children has been a blast . I love seeing their personalities get stronger . I think , for the most part , you can tell what your child 's personality will be from infancy . It just gets stronger and better defined . Last night was Parent - Teacher Conference at the school . I have three children in the school , so I was there for about 1 1 / 2 hours . It was wonderful to hear the good things about my children . I am proud of them for being willing to help other children . It is nice to know the things that I have to work on with my kindergartener . We work with him but it is good to know what we should be concentrating on . On Veteran 's Day , my brother posted how glad he was that my father had been a Marine . I have always been thankful for the service he provided for our country . When I read his post , I realized how GLAD I was that he had been a Marine . If he hadn 't been a Marine , my parents would have likely never met . My mom was from a small town in California called Bridgeport . My dad was from a small town in New York called West Valley . My dad was transferred to Mountain Warfare Training Center when he was a Marine , which is in the mountains near Bridgeport . He was getting an ice cream cone one day and looked in the bakery window next door . My mom was working in my Grandpa 's bakery and Dad saw her . He went in , they met , and had their first date a few days later . Yes , I am GLAD that my Dad was a Marine . I will be starting a job at the very end of this month . My heart breaks thinking about leaving my children for several hours , but I am so thankful that it is a job that I will be working when my husband is home from work . We will not have to get a babysitter , except for during my two weeks of training , and that will only be for a few hours a day . I am thankful that many years ago , my senior year of high school , I thought I should take a keyboarding class . The reason behind the keyboarding class was so when I was in college I would be " okay " at typing papers . I wanted to learn how to type without needing to chicken peck the keys and take forever . That decision has led to most of the jobs in my life . When I was in college , I was blessed to work as a data entry operator for Vector Marketing in Olean . There was a lot of use of the ten - key number pad to the right of the computer keyboard . I didn 't even have the foggiest idea how to use that . I would always be using the numbers across the top of the keyboard . One day , one of my supervisors there saw how I was typing the numbers . He told me that I should start using the number pad . Since I like to listen to what my supervisors tell me , I tried . It came quite naturally to me . Because of my ability to use the number pad , I have had several other jobs . I am good at data entry , and I enjoy it . I don 't like talking on the phone , so straight data entry is good , and that is what I will be doing . I have worked for the IRS and my next position will be for the United States Postal Service . My 9 year - old was excited , she thought we could get free stamps . It is funny how a lot of jobs will give you a discount or something free if they are known for selling things . The IRS didn 't do that for me and neither will the USPS . I believe our Heavenly Father has a hand in all things . I don 't really think that it was just me that wanted to take a keyboarding class . Who really wants to add another class to their schedule anyway ? I know that my parents wouldn 't have met without our Heavenly Father having a hand in where they were that day . I know that our Heavenly Father has blessed me with each of my children . I am so thankful for the love I feel everyday from a kind , loving Heavenly Father . I hope that I can always realize His hand in all things . at That is how I felt this morning when I woke up ! Yesterday was so a beautiful day . I went for a run in the morning and went for a walk with my husband and kids in the evening . It was the best fall day I could think of . I am never a fan of the white stuff . I have always lovingly referred to it as the " white crap . " Yes , that isn 't a kind nickname or even a name that makes it shorter , but it describes things as I see it . By the time church was over , the white stuff was gone for the most part . I am thankful for that ! I am hoping to not wake up to more of the white stuff tomorrow . I wouldn 't mind not waking up to the white stuff again for several years . If the weather would stay at a temperature from between 68 and 72 degrees all year , things would be great : ) I live in Utah , not in Hawaii , so I guess that is very unlikely . One can dream though : ) Today I got to go to all my church meetings . It was a good day as far as that goes . I enjoyed being there for all three meetings . My toddler stayed in nursery until 10 minutes before church got over . By that point , she was having a serious meltdown , so one of the leaders came to get me . My five year - old read a scripture in sharing time today , my older son helped him since he can 't read . It was sweet to see . They did a great job ! In a couple of weeks they will be having their primary presentation . I always look forward to that ! Right now my puppy is acting like she drank a full can of Jolt soda . She is running around like a crazy girl . She got her third set of shots yesterday , so it was a hard day for her . She is always in a huge amount of pain when she gets her shots . It is good to see her running around and playing again . In other news , I joined Weight Watchers a month ago . I lost about four pounds in that month . I would love to lose 30 more , at least . I think I would feel much better about myself , both physically and mentally . I wish that it was as easy to lose weight as it is to gain it . I think I am going to plan to start running at least two miles a day , except for Sundays . I don 't think that is too far , so I should be able to run daily . at My children love this time of October . There are Halloween parties , trunk - or - treats , and then , of course , trick - or - treating . I always loved Halloween . I don 't remember how old I was when I gave up Halloween , but I am sure I was a teen . Who doesn 't love free candy ? ! I brought my children to a trunk - or - treat yesterday . They got to wear their costumes . My two sons are Mario and Luigi , my older daughter is a princess , and my toddler is a ladybug . My toddler loved her costume so much that she wouldn 't let me take it off . I finally got it off today after she spilled water all over it and I convinced her that I had to wash it . I don 't generally dress up anymore . I am contemplating being a marathon runner this year . I have some marathon attire . I just figure I will go for a run beforehand to get sweaty , throw on my marathon attire , and there I have it . Maybe I will even get a free Krispy Kreme donut and Sweet Tooth Fairy Cupcake out of it : ) Who knows ? ! ? We are handing out bubble gum this year for Halloween . I think it is much better for me to have gum in the house than to have a bunch of chocolate candy bars ! After Halloween , I will be boiling and pureeing a lot of pumpkin to freeze and use later . Then we will roast the seeds because those are a delicious treat . I love pumpkin , but I need to figure out other things to do with it besides cookies and pie , although both are delicious ! A couple of nights ago , I was acting like I didn 't know who anyone else was , when I was talking to my five year - old son . After he explained to me who he was , he went on to explain to me who my husband is . He told me that Keith is my guy . I asked him what Keith looks like . He said that he is bald . I said , " Are you kidding ? I married a bald person ? " He said , " He wasn 't bald when you married him . He had hair when you dated him and when you married him . Then he went on a mission and all his hair popped out . " We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . My husband went on a mission when he was 19 . His hair started falling out while he was on his mission . We were not married , I didn 't even know him yet . I met him when he was 26 and I was 27 . He was bald then . I found it amusing what my five year - old 's idea was about when we got married . I also found it very amusing how he explained " his hair popped out . " I imagine that he might think that when someone goes bald , they go to sleep with a full head of hair and wake up with none . That would be quite traumatizing ! Tonight my son played his last flag football game of the season . The season went quickly . His team won two games . One was due to forfeit . I couldn 't watch a few of games , which made me sad . For some of the season , we had a vehicle that would only seat 5 people , and being in a family of 6 , someone has to stay home . I stayed home with my toddler . Then she got sick , so I stayed home with her again . My son came home from one of his games with his eyes beaming . He sacked the quarterback on fourth down and goal . I was so proud of him ; I had wished I could have been there . I was there tonight . It was their playoff game . No one gave them any hope . I went with my son , just him and I . I was quite sure that there would only be one game . My husband stayed home with our toddler and three other children . It was chilly and there was a drizzling rain . We didn 't want the children to get a cold . I told my husband that we would be home after the game , unless they won . They did win . My son got the flag a few times and caught a pass . The pass didn 't count because there was a penalty , but he still caught it . It was the first time I had seen him get a ball thrown to him . He also got a kickoff and ran for a few yards . I was so proud of the team ! Since the team won the first game tonight , they got to play a second game an hour later . I offered to get the snacks for after that game . I got them some M & M cookies and Caprisun . The second game did not go as well . My son had some good plays . The whole team did well . Sometimes you just can 't win . I am thankful that he had the opportunity to play with this team . His coach was wonderful . It was my son 's first season of flag football . He learned a lot . I think it is important for children to learn how to play on a team . My toddler joined our family two years ago this past Saturday . Life has been busy and I haven 't blogged . Partly because my laptop was in the shop and it is hard to carve out time on a computer you are sharing with several other people to sit down and do a blog . On her second birthday , she was sick . I still look forward to her being healthy for a prolonged amount of time . We canceled her party and hope that she feels better this Saturday for her party . My little girl is starting to talk more . Our puppy is her favorite thing in the world , even though you wouldn 't know it by how she treats her sometimes . When the puppy is in her kennel , she says to me " Puppy out . " She hates when the puppy gets put in there . When the puppy goes outside , she wants to go outside too . She loves to brush her teeth . She would always have a toothbrush in her mouth , if I would allow it . She does not like to have her hair brushed though . She has learned the word , " Ouch ! " She got a new pair of sneakers for her birthday . I think this is her favorite gift . She brings them to me several times a day to put them on for her . She will take them off , just so I will put them back on again . She hates nursery at church . You would think we were sending her to a torture chamber instead of into a room full of toys . Due to this fact , I just go to my first meeting at church . I come home after that . I can 't bear to hear her crying . I bring her with me . She enjoys going on walks and runs . I think she appreciates them more if she is in a stroller or a baby carrier . She will go and get the milk out of the refrigerator to let me know she wants some . She loves chocolate . If something has a weird texture , she refuses to eat it . She doesn 't like oatmeal or applesauce , if it is chunky . She loves peanut butter sandwiches and I have caught her after grabbing a stick of butter from the fridge , taking a big bite out of it . She loves the Geico commercial with the owls , she will say " Who ? " " Who ? " She loves the Progressive commercial with the box . . . she yells " Cannon box ! " She will laugh and laugh . I love the laughter of my children . Each and every one of them . When they laugh , I laugh . My husband doesn 't get it sometimes , but that is okay . My ten year - old son decided he wanted to play flag football this year . My 9 year - old daughter wanted to play as well , except when my husband went to sign them up , he was told it was only for boys . We will just say that the person that was saying that was wrong . My son has two girls on his team . Oh well , my daughter is in a theater class instead . I am sure she will enjoy that much more than running up and down trying to get a flag off someone 's waist . Before his first game He had his first game on September 11 , 2013 . He was a bit confused about everything since he had never played before and they had only had one practice previously . They let him be the center for a few plays . Then he played on special teams for a kickoff . He also played as defensive end at times . During his first game Last night he had his second game . It was the third game for his team . He was running a fever on Monday and couldn 't make it to the game . Well , he could have and wanted to , but I didn 't allow him to go to his game , since his fever had been as high as 101 degrees less than 12 hours before . I wasn 't able to go to the game , because my van has decided not to run and all six of us don 't fit in the car , unless I wedge myself on the floor between the front and back seats . It is an Aveo Hatchback . It isn 't very comfortable ! If you know what those are , you would know that even a small person wouldn 't be very comfortable on the floor ! Play action during the first game He seems to be catching on very quickly to the whole flag football game . Last night , he had the ball kicked to him on the kickoff . He gained a few yards before his tag was pulled off of him . He also got the flag from the other team . I was very proud of him . I just wish I could have been there . Our minivan is going to be getting fixed soon , thankfully ! I don 't know that I want to miss many more games , seeing that the season is so short . His season started on September 11 and playoffs start after October 7 . Last photo from his first game I have always loved sports . When I was a youngster , my dad coached my brother 's football team . I would go out and practice with them . I am so excited that my son is starting to play ! Maybe he will want to start watching football games or other sports with me , we shall see ! ? ! My children and husband trained for a 5K while I was at the tail end of my training for a half marathon . The Monday following my half marathon , one of our friends told us about a 5K for a good cause . A young boy from our area has bone cancer . This run was to help raise money for his medical treatment . This was the perfect race ! We showed up on Friday night , September 6 , to run a 5K . It ended up being 3 . 4 miles , but hey , that is all right . It was an overcast evening . It was pretty windy , knocked down a lot of their signs for the event . The child 's favorite colors are yellow , lime green and turquoise blue . They asked us to wear those colors if possible . We all had something that color , except for my husband . We enjoyed the race . My two daughters and I went together and my husband and two sons went together . My daughter and I ran and walked the race , as I pushed my toddler in the jogger . She enjoys the time in her jogger . It was wonderful to get to do this with my family , even if we didn 't finish together . I was so proud of all of my children for putting in the time to train for the 5K and to follow through . There was a nice turnout at the event . I always hope that there will be good turnout for a benefit . We saw one of our friends from our previous Ward we went to before we moved . My daughter was baptized the same day as hers . It was nice to see her again . We plan to continue training to run another 5K when it is available . I enjoy doing family history work . I hadn 't done it in several years . When my mother came for a visit last May , she reintroduced me to the joys of family history work ( genealogy ) . Tonight , my daughter asked me if we have any ancestors that came from other countries . I laughed a little , and said yes . I guess that as a child , it is a common assumption that everyone was just here . It is a different concept to think that you have ancestors that traveled here in boats or on planes . She asked me on whose side of the family the people from another country came from , and who it was . I told her that both sides of the family had people that came from other countries . The most recent was a great - grandfather on my husband 's side . He came from either Hungary or Czechoslovakia . On my side , it would be great - great grandfather that came over from Ireland . I think it is interesting to children to know where their ancestors came from . My daughter really enjoyed doing family history work when my mom was here . I need to take the time in my day to start doing it again , and allowing her to do it . It gets quite addicting . The best part of family history work is learning about the people . I have ancestors that came over on the Mayflower . One of those ancestors was said to have been the first to face capital punishment in our country . He shot a fellow that was stealing on his land . He paid for the fellow to be treated , but the person didn 't take care of the wound . He got gangrene or another infection and died . This is the story I have heard in the past . There are other stories out there about how the murder took place . We have been up to Plymouth , Massachusetts , and visited the Plymouth Plantation . It is an amazing place to visit . The plantation is set back in the days of when the Mayflower landed . The people on the plantation act as if they are the person that came over on the Mayflower . It is a wonderful place to visit . It is an education for sure ! There is a lot of family history work to be done on my mother - in - law 's side of the family . There is not much of a history , on her father 's side , passed her great - grandfather . I am hoping that at some point , we are able to get a good lead on where to look next ! Until then , I am going to stick to my side of the family and look for leads on that side every so often . I have been a mother for almost 10 1 / 2 years now . It is hard for me to believe sometimes . I have learned a lot since I became a mother , but I started planning for motherhood long before that day ever came . I vowed that I would never be the parent that would say , " My child would NEVER do that . " Lets face it , we were all kids once . Did you NEVER do " that ? " I can honestly say that I was not the perfect child . I know , I know , anyone that knows me would find that hard to believe , but it is true . How could I say " My child would NEVER do that . . . " when it is very likely that I , or someone I knew as a child , did " that ? " If you tell me that one of my children did " that , " my child will be confronted with the information I have been given . My child will be questioned on the issue and I will respond to you . I will let you know what my child has said , and if necessary , my child will apologize and the appropriate punishment will be given . If my child tells me that he / she did not do " that , " then there seems to be a problem . This is when I will want to have a meeting with the person / people that said my child did " that . " In this current age of social media , there is one thing I will not do . I will not discuss issues that should not be discussed via instant messages , tweets , e - mail or Facebook messages . No matter how well you read , you can 't read the tone of a word on a page . I have seen , way too often , where a huge misunderstanding has started because the " tone " of the written word was misread . I would like to think that I am raising the perfect children . I am going to be honest , I live with them , I see what they do , I know they are not perfect . I will be the first person to admit it . They are not perfect , perhaps because they do not have perfect parents . I have always taught my children that if someone hits them , they have the right to hit back . It is called self - defense . They also know that if they do the hitting first , they will get in trouble . I am not going to raise a bully , if I can help it , but neither am I going to raise a child that will be bullied , if I can help it . I would always watch out for my younger siblings . If someone was hurting them , that person would usually end up hurt , if the person was close to my age . For instance , one time I was walking home from school and a girl was attempting to drown my sister in a snow bank . The girl that was hurting my sister learned a lesson that day , a painful lesson , but a lesson nonetheless . You do not try to drown my sister in a snow bank ! There was a boy that got new boxing gloves for his birthday . He thought it would be fun ( ny ) to try those out on my brother who is 4 years younger than me . The boxing glove boy was 1 year younger than me . He was giving my brother a good beating . I came out and saw it and told him to knock it off . The boy , thinking he was all tough , thought it would be wise to stop beating on my little brother only to " box " with me . Boxing gloves were put on , and the boy learned a lesson that day , a painful lesson , but a lesson nonetheless . You don 't beat on children that are a lot younger than you ! I 'm not saying those are the only fights I was ever in , I was in more , but those are the ones that come to mind . Neither am I saying that if you say my child did something , you are going to get it . I do want to know if my child is accused of doing something , whether it happened or not , so it can be taken care of . Just know , that as a mother , you will never hear me say , " My child would NEVER do that ! " Last night , as I was getting ready to go to sleep , my husband and I started a conversation . I don 't know really how it went , since I was really tired , but I do know that in the end , it was said " Sometimes you just have to let go . " We were talking about water - skiing by that point . When I was 17 , that was my first and only attempt at water - skiing . I was up at Bear Lake visiting some family friends . Perhaps it is believed that it would be common sense that once you get pulled over , you just let go of the tow rope . To me , it didn 't become common sense for a little while . It actually didn 't become common sense until I realized that if I didn 't let go , I was probably going to drown . My husband admitted that he had done the same thing . I wonder how many other people have not realized to let go of the rope until they had to decide between drowning and getting left behind . I thought that being left behind would be the better option . I wasn 't sure if they would notice I wasn 't still back there on the rope or not . The choice to let go is not always easy . It is not a good idea to drown in a bad choice but it is sometimes not easy , or just not fun , to let it go . I can honestly say that I have had those moments when I had to choose between drowning in a bad choice and just letting go . In the end , although it was not always easy , I would choose to let it go . It is wonderful to know that we have the opportunity to correct mistakes that we have made . I am grateful for a Savior who died for us , each one of us , so that we could return to our Heavenly Father . Through Him , repentance is made possible . We just need to make that decision to let it go . Don 't hold on to the past . Allow yourself to forgive yourself and others . It is healing to be able to let things go and to move on . Don 't drown when all you have to do is let go and get your head back above the water . My one year - old , soon - to - be two , has decided that she doesn 't like diapers anymore . We took this as our first clue to buy a toddler potty . She will quickly peel off any diaper we put on within seconds . I decided that , perhaps , I should buy some Pull - Ups and see how she likes those . I bought the Pull - Ups , they have Minnie Mouse , Sullivan from Monsters U / Inc , and Ariel on them . She will only leave on the Minnie Mouse Pull - Ups . She loves the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show . We bought her the DVD " I Gotta Go ! " It is the the same DVD we used to teach my older three children to use the potty . She loves the DVD . She will run and get her potty and then come and get the remote to let me know that she wants to watch the show . She has not yet connected the fact that she is supposed to actually sit on the potty when she goes . She will stand next to it or no where near it . She will sit on it endlessly until she needs to go though . She also lets me know when she has had an accident . I think she enjoys watching me clean them up . I go and get the spray and some paper towels . Many people have said they have potty trained their child by letting them run around naked . I don 't know how it works for other people . It just doesn 't seem to be working out too well for me , but she really doesn 't want to leave clothes on . She is at the age where she can take off her clothes . I can 't put the diaper on and then pants and then expect that she won 't be able to take them off , because she can . I have bought her some Hershey 's Kisses for treats for sitting on the potty . I am hoping this will do the trick . I joked with my husband that if we are ever going to get a puppy we should do it now and I can take care of getting the dog house - trained and the toddler potty trained at the same time . My children were really excited last night as they fell to sleep , because they were going to be starting fourth grade and fifth grade today . It is hard for me to believe that they could possibly be old enough to be in fourth and fifth grade now . I can still remember dropping them off for their first days of preschool . Where has the time gone ? ! They had their baths last night . I braided my daughter 's hair so it would be curly this morning . She likes it that way . They picked out their clothes last night . It makes life so much easier on me ! They brought me their clothes , but I didn 't see socks . I had them hunt down some socks so they would be completely ready . Thank goodness , because the sock hunt never goes too well ! I don 't know where they hide them , but they do a really good job ! My five year - old will be starting Kindergarten in a few days . His Kindergarten assessment will be on Wednesday morning , when I drop off the older children . He is really excited to be going to the same school as his big brother and big sister . He was excited to go to orientation today . They had early - outs today . They arrived home and both announced that they didn 't have any homework . My daughter did admit that she had to do 20 minutes of reading . She set a timer and started to read . She read well after the timer went off . From where I was sitting , it looked like a comic book . She loves to read , but it is usually not a comic book . My daughter is excited that she starts getting homework tomorrow . My oldest son just needed some paperwork signed for his homework . He needs it signed so that he can get his netbook for school . They have netbooks for the children to use in the classroom . We just have to sign user agreements . Both of the children have friends in their class . My daughter has a friend from up the street and my son has a friend of church . I am so excited that they started the day knowing someone . It makes life so much easier . I found out shortly after I started fourth grade that one of my friends lived on the next street over . That made me happy . I had close friends that lived across the street , but they went to Catholic school and I didn 't . The worse thing was needing to wake up my toddler in order to get everyone to school on time . She wasn 't very amused with needing to be woken up either . It led to an early nap this afternoon , which is good . I prefer early naps to late naps . I usually have to wake her up after only half an hour if she takes a late nap , because I want to get to sleep at a decent time myself . This is how my children looked as we got ready to walk out the door . Gargantuar = Gar Gan Are Tar My sons oldest daughter ( and husband ) love to play Plants vs Zombies . I have never played Plants vs Zombies . It was several months ago , I heard my five year - old yelling to my ten year - old , something about a gar - gan - are - tar ( pronounced like bargain , but w / a " g " at the beginning and then are - tar ) . I have to say , I was most puzzled about what a gar - gan - are - tar ( all one word ) was . I asked several times and they just told me it was something on the game . I wondered where the game makers came up with something called a gar - gan - are - tar . It was a strange name to say the least , and very long . It wasn 't until I was on vacation , and my husband was in the hotel room , that the children said something about the gar - gan - are - tar . My husband was playing the game and I asked him what exactly a gar - gan - are - tar is . He laughed and said , " A gargantuar . " I had heard that term before . It made much more sense . My husband brought the Ipad over to me and showed it to me . This is what I saw . . . I still don 't know what the game is all about , but I do love when I hear " gar - gan - are - tar . " My five year - old still pronounces it that way , but my ten year - old has started calling it a gargantuar . I say it how my five year - old does , just because I think it is so much cuter pronounced that way . Twelve years ago today was the day my husband proposed to me . By this time , I had moved to Sacramento , California . I had left everyone else in the world that I loved and headed out on my own , again . I met my husband on LDSchat . com . It was meant to be . I had wandered into a chat room I had never been in before . I went in as " NYLady . " I had always chatted as " GreenEyes27F " up to that point . How is that for telling about yourself in just a few letters ? My husband said to me , " I served my mission in NY . " This was Wednesday , April 11 , 2001 . I was supposed to be in Erie , PA , but I decided not to make the trip that night . I stayed up most of the night chatting with him . The next day , we were leaving to visit my sister in Massachusetts . I was exhausted , but that was okay with me . While I was in Boston , we exchanged e - mails and kept in touch that way . We talked every night , for hours , once I returned home . We continued chatting online , until May 26 , which was a Saturday night , when he came to NY to visit me . He flew in really late . I picked him up and we went up to Niagara Falls , Canada , to see the Falls . I hate the Falls . He had never been there . That is where we had our first kiss , of many to come . We spent some time up there before driving back to Olean . I showed him where I went to High School . We kissed on that lawn too . I had never been kissed there . I loaded up a U - Haul trailor , hitched it to my Blazer , and we drove back to California . We left on the 29th . We were supposed to leave on the 28th , but we spent much longer in Palmyra than we expected . We went and saw church sites . This was the first time I had visited Palmyra church sites in my life . We had several pictures taken there . On the way back to California , we took some detours . We stopped in Kirtland , OH , where the first LDS temple was built . We stopped in Nauvoo , Illinois , where the Nauvoo LDS Temple was under construction . We went to Carthage , Illinois , where the beloved prophet , Joseph Smith , and his brother Hyrum were martyred . We traveled on to California . I had no idea what to expect when I got there . We went to his parents ' house . They were very cordial . They let me stay in his sister 's room , until I found a place to live . That happened quite quickly . I moved in with a wonderful woman , Dawna , from church . I rented a room from her . Keith worked as a security guard at a college . I found a temp job with Verizon Wireless . As time went by , we got to know each other better . He decided to propose to me . He chose this day , 12 years ago . It was a Saturday . We got in his car and he drove to the LDS Oakland Temple . We walked around it around the outside . Looking at it from the front , he proposed to me on the left side . I said yes . We went to an expensive , but not so good , Italian restaurant that was close by . We then drove home . The traffic in that area is horrible . I called my parents and told them . The date we planned was October 18 , 2001 . We got married 20 days after the proposal on September 7 , we didn 't want to wait any longer . I was just sitting here , minding my own business . My five year - old son started looking through the closet for something . I am not afraid of spiders ( unless they are super poisonous , as mentioned previously ) , but there is really one word you don 't want screamed in the confines of your own house . It is " TARANTULA ! " Especially if it is being screamed as the person jumps back several feet . So , me , being the mommy , get up and go over there . I asked him where it was . He said it ran under something . Our closet isn 't immaculate . My kids like to throw things in there , thus , the reason he was searching in it . I told him to get me a stick , I use a stick to kill black widows . I haven 't seen one yet this year : ) Then I told him to get me a shoe . I started to think that the stick might not be good enough . He ran and got me his shoe . I started to slowly remove things from the closet . S - L - O - W - L - Y ! I wasn 't horribly excited to find this thing that got the " Tarantula " descriptor . On the other hand , I didn 't want this creature roaming my house . After removing some items from the closet , I found a spider . My son exclaimed , " There it is ! " I took the shoe and squished it several times . It was no bigger , including its legs , than a quarter . I was happy that it wasn 't a tarantula . I don 't know for sure what I would have done . I don 't know that I would squish it , because I imagine you would hear things getting crushed , which would cause me horrible dreams , I think . I might stick it in a jar and try to sell it to a pet store : ) When I was young , I would talk to my friends about how cool it would be if we could see the person we are talking to on the phone . I never imagined that it would happen , but it would be on the computer . I love Skype ! It gives me the chance to chat with my family throughout the country . I had a bad computer that stopped running with Skype , so I got a new one , and had to buy a webcam . We are up and running again : ) Then there is Facebook . You can add people to your page that are your friends , whether you have met them or not IRL ( in real life ) . You update your status when you want to . Some people shock you with their status sometimes . You never expect someone to write some of the things they write . Sometimes you might think they are looking for advice . I am not one to offer advice unless they explicitly ask for it . I worry about my friends and their families . I don 't have anyone on my Facebook that I wouldn 't like to see have the best life possible . I always hope that somehow I can make their life a little better for them . It is hard from distances that might be between us , but I always know that a prayer can help a person . Twitter is another one . You get to make a statement in 140 characters or less . I have done Twitter parties . I have won things at Twitter parties , sometimes . I think that the Jodi Arias murder trial is when I really started understanding a lot about Twitter . I followed it closely and I would comment on that with a lot of other people . It is fun to follow a topic with people and see their opinions . They would often make me laugh . There are , of course , blogs . I started my blog to keep a " journal " about my family . It is so hard to sit down and write in several journals for all the children . This is just so much easier . I have had a book made out of my first year of blogging so that we have it in bound print . It is important to me that we have memories written down . I don 't do this as often as I should , but I have been doing better . I am thankful for how far technology has come . I am thankful that I can chat with my siblings and my parents without needing to send a stamped letter and wait a week or so to hear back . It makes me wonder what is next . I am sure it will amaze me ! I have been thinking a lot of " home " lately . There is a lot of nostalgia around City Cup Weekend . For me , it is a time when we would all be together , enjoying some great ball games . For many , many years , more than I can really remember , we would watch softball . The City Cup pretty much was the end to softball for the season , so I would try to get as much softball as I could . I would run into old friends that I hadn 't seen in ages . I would even be known to make some new acquaintances . I miss those times with my family and my adopted brothers ( the boys on my brother 's softball team ) . I miss Olean because that is where my memories are . My good memories with my family and friends . Even if I hadn 't seen a friend in a long time , when I saw one , it was like very little time had past . To me , that is a true friend . Someone that realizes that even though time has passed , I still love them and I love to see them even though life gets in the way . I like being able to pick up where we left off last as if not a day has passed . I miss Olean and Allegany 's Allegany River Nature Trail . When I go out running now , I need to cross a road at every half mile , except for at the first half where this is an overpass for the traffic . On the Nature Trail , I could run 3 miles without needing to cross a single road . I think it was a lot safer . It was easier to get a true look at the speed you were running . It is kind of hard to do that when you need to stop for traffic every half mile . I miss my Dad 's barbecues . He is the grill master . I always looked forward to the summer so I could count on getting grilled food . He would do chicken , burgers , hotdogs and Italian sausage . We would occasionally have some steak . I am thankful that I was able to spend many years with my family in Western New York . I wish I was still there , but sometimes our Heavenly Father has different plans for us . I know this is where I am supposed to be , although there are times I would give my left arm to be at " home . " To my City Cup playing family members , and those adopted brothers previously mentioned , Best of Luck ! I will be there in spirit and I hope to hear about your games . Colette , that includes you : ) Love you all ! I wrote about my kids and husband training for a 5K . Their training started last week , as I was laid up on the couch with bronchitis . I told my husband what they were supposed to do for their training . It didn 't quite work out as I planned . My 9 year - old daughter came home from their training complaining that her heel hurt . She complained for a couple more days . She would only complain when I would ask her to do something . I started to pay attention to her walking . She would limp even when she would have no reason to be thinking about it . I hoped she could walk it off , but it wasn 't seeming like she was going to . Yesterday , she asked me if I would bring her to the urgent care . I am not a fan of going to urgent care unless I know something is wrong . Since I had seen how she was for a few days , and not seeming to get better , I relented . We went to the urgent care . The doctor ordered x - rays since there are growth plates in the heel after pressing on her heel in different places . He told me what he thought it was , but wanted to be sure she hadn 't cracked any bones in her growth plates . The good news is that she didn 't crack any bones . The bad news is that she has achilles tendonitis . This is not her foot : ) The doctor asked her what shoes she had worn to run in . She pointed at the shoes on her feet . They were flat church shoes . Apparently she wasn 't able to find her running shoes . Running in flat shoes is a bad idea . It doesn 't give her foot the cushion or the protection it needs . It causes extra strain on your achilles tendon . These are things that I learned yesterday . She was ordered to wear her running shoes for the next few days , even to church . She got to wear them everywhere , even to church . Her running shoes have Hello Kitty on them . They are cute shoes . I prefer her to wear running shoes for running and dress shoes for church though . She was also ordered to ice the heel . She has done that a few times . She was given a reprieve from running for a few days . I think she will resume training on Wednesday . My 10 year - old son didn 't like the idea that his sister didn 't have to run . When he was stung by a wasp a couple of weeks ago before we went to the playground , he didn 't have to do a lap running with his dad . While we were in the van yesterday , he stated that he wanted to get stung by another wasp . I guess he hasn 't caught the running bug yet . I really hope that one day my children enjoy running . I know it took me a little while to enjoy it . I think it will be something fun to do together . at We got the keys to our house a year ago today . This is the first house we have ever owned , and it might possibly the last . We like our home . It has a lot of space . It has a lot of storage room . We own it . Well , my husband owns it . I wasn 't here when he signed the deed to the house , and we haven 't gotten around to adding me to it . It is something we keep saying we have to do , but just haven 't . I was on my way to Buffalo to catch a flight back here with my baby and my youngest son . I was still not sure if the underwriting was going to be done or not . I didn 't know if I would be coming back to live in a house or in a hotel . We had given our apartment complex notice that we would be out on July 31 . I finally got the call saying that the mortgage had been approved and that my husband would be signing the title and getting the keys . I was relieved , mostly . I didn 't want to think about coming back to Utah and not have a place to call home . That was the last thing I would ever want . My husband , my sister , and my two older children , picked us up at the airport . It was late at night . They brought me HOME , to our home . It was basically empty . There were air mattresses to sleep on . We would not have any furniture in our house until Saturday . That is the first day we could get help getting it from storage to the house . Members of our church ward were more than willing to help us , virtual strangers , get things from the storage unit , to the U - Haul , to the house . It was very much appreciated . I have grown to like our home , more and more each day . It has had a few quirks . During the winter , the downstairs is warmer than the upstairs . I thought heat was supposed to rise , right ? ! ? The first real rainstorm , the playroom started to leak . It hasn 't leaked since then . It was a torrential rain . To run the AC , it is expensive . I am not sure this is a quirk , but it isn 't wanted : ) My sister moved out of the house , not really a quirk of the house , but I miss her all the time . The sprinkler system was placed only 2 inches underground ( at the deepest ) so my husband cut through it when tilling the space for the garden . The biggest thing is IT DOESN ' T CLEAN ITSELF ! This is much to my children 's dismay . Every day , when it is time for chores , I hear " We just did it yesterday . " I quickly reply , " Yes , but this is today . " We now have a garden that we have harvested peppers , tomatoes , onions , zucchini and crookneck squash . We have a little peach tree that is still trying to grow its peaches , only 3 survived the windstorms , the torrential rainstorm mentioned previously , and the late frost . We are going to have to cut those in half so we can all enjoy it . The plums didn 't get much bigger than their pit this year , so they weren 't very enjoyable . Hopefully next year ! We have a wonderful house . We will make many memories here , beyond the ones we already have . I have enjoyed getting to know my neighbors and the members of my ward . I have made some wonderful friends . I didn 't get out and try to meet people until my sister left . I was happy thrilled to have her live with me . I didn 't really feel the need to go out and find someone to hang out with since I had her here . My 12th anniversary will fall on a Saturday . It is six weeks away . As I have been going to different places , running errands and such , I have been seeing a lot of flyers for 5K races on September 7 , which is my anniversary . I have been running for a while now . I ran eight miles this morning . As I was running , I came up with a brilliant idea . I have always wanted my children to grow up to run with me . I thought it would be nice if my husband would run with me too . I came home and told him that I thought him and the kids should start a C25K program today and that we should run a 5K on our anniversary . Then , of course , go out to eat afterward . He thought that would be a good idea . I found the www . coolrunning . com C25K program . It was a program I started last year , when we were going to do a 4 mile run . I do know that a 5K is not as far as a 4 mile run , but it was a place to start . I really liked their program . This evening , I found it online , again , and told my husband what he is supposed to do with the children . He gathered them up and off they went . It was a 5 minute brisk walk , followed by alternating 90 second walks and 60 seconds of jogging for a total of 20 minutes . When he got home , I was informed that my daughter wasn 't too amused to be out there doing that . I am not sure if it is because she had performed in two theater performances today , or she just didn 't want to run . When they got home , I informed her of the plan for Sept . 7 , and she seemed to be more receptive . Now I need to decide which 5K we are going to do and get us registered . It always seems that the earlier you register for a race , the cheaper it is to run it . On the days that I don 't have scheduled runs for the half - marathon I am training for , I will be training with my husband and my kids . My toddler will be in the jogging stroller during the race . I have been pushing her on several of my runs . I am excited for this race , whichever one it ends up being . My toddler didn 't take a nap today . This is the first day in her life that she didn 't take a nap . I am hoping that it isn 't a new trend . I am a big fan of nap time . I especially like it when I get to have a nap with her . That hasn 't happened in a while , due to my children being out of school . I think that could also be the cause of the lack of a nap . The children had a couple of friends over and my toddler likes to play with all the children also . When it got to be around 7 PM , she wanted to go to sleep . I didn 't dare allow that , because I knew it would be a very bad idea . We had to figure out how to keep her awake . I brought her outside for a little while . We sang some songs . We watched some SpongeBob SquarePants . That is her favorite show . When it got to be around 8 PM and I had to get in my two - mile run , my husband took her to the play room . He brought a ball with him to distract her so I could go . She is my biggest fan . She almost always wants to go with me . The only time she has not wanted to go was when she had been going on little trips all day long . She would cry because she didn 't want to get back in her seat . I was gone for a little while . When I came home , she was really excited to see me . We went back outside for a couple of minutes , then I decided it was bath time . She loves bath time . This bought us about 30 more minutes of her being awake . After her bath , she was ready to be asleep . It took just a few minutes for her to doze off . She is still asleep now , so I should probably go to sleep too : ) I haven 't played kickball with my children since last summer , that is , until tonight . My son 's pack meeting tonight included a game of kickball . I had never played it with my toddler . My two older children were on the opposite team . My two younger children were on my team . Last summer we thought we were going to be in a kickball tournament back east . It would have been a lot of fun , but it wasn 't meant to be . The tournament was the day before my brother and my sister , her husband and son were moving west . There was just going to be too much to do . Before we figured that out , we had several practice session . It was a lot of fun . Tonight was fun as well . We enjoyed playing with the other members of the cub scouts and their parents and families . There were a lot of young children . I think it was wonderful to play kickball with everyone . It really was a lot of fun . I was impressed with how well my ten year - old could kick the ball . He did really good . My other two children did really well too . I think I need to go down there and play kickball with them . It reminded me of growing up and playing kickball all the time in our backyard . Our backyard consisted of three backyards . I would say it was a good 45 yards across . There were not fences between our yard and the next two neighbors yards for years . I think they went up after I graduated from high school . We spent hours , upon hours , playing kickball . My dad would pitch to both teams . Neighbors would all come over . There was a little cherry tree that didn 't have a chance in the neighbor 's yard . I think we even used it as a base every now and again . We also had a great volleyball net . We could play a full size court since there wasn 't a fence . It seems like when we weren 't playing kickball , hide and go seek , or swimming , we would be playing badminton or volleyball . We knew all the kids that lived within a block or two . These days , it seems like children don 't even know who lives next door . Sadly , the children of this generation seem to be growing up in a day of electronics . I have to admit that my children play online or on their Nintendo DS 's also . I need to be more diligent and get outside with them . I do go running , and they come with me and play at the park . I make sure that the spend time outside . I enjoy when they have friends come over . I want them to have that kind of interaction that I had growing up . I imagine that if we take the time to go to the park at the corner and bring a ball and bases , other children will join . I think it will be a fun way to get to know the other children in the area . Thank you to the Cub Scout leaders who thought of this activity . It reminded me of the fun I had as a child and it has encouraged me to share that with my children . On Mother 's Day weekend , my kids , my husband and I , worked hours getting the garden planted . We pulled excess weeds that had grown after the ground had been tilled . We got out our yard stick to make sure that we were planting the plants the correct distance apart . We went out and bought a little fence to put around it . We didn 't want our toddler to go wandering through and step on all the plants . We planted several , I think 15 , tomato plants , We planted 4 zucchini squash plants , 4 crookneck squash , 4 bell peppers , 13 peas we had grown from seeds , and 12 onions , I believe . We sat outside regularly and watched our garden . It took a while to notice any growth . We were happy when we spotted our first baby squash . We were elated to find our first little tomato . We watched with amazement as it grew . Our only wish was that the garden grew as quickly as the weeds . We went on vacation at the end of June . Ten days later we came home . My 5 year - old jumped out of the car and ran directly to the garden . He ran back to me and told me that we had huge food . He wanted me to hurry back there . I went as fast as I could . He wasn 't kidding . The zucchini had grown astronomically since we had left . We were able to harvest several zucchini and some crookneck squash . Our peas had died . I k think the tomatoes in front of them robbed them of water . We will rethink that next year . The plums on our tree were ripe . Several had fallen off the tree . It looks like we are going to have a very nice harvest this year . I hope to make a lot of salsa . I hope to have a lot of tomatoes for salad . My daughters will eat them right off the vine . They will enjoy that . I enjoy raw zucchini sliced up . I enjoy zucchini bread . I hope to make some for our neighbors and people I visiting teach one of these days . I would like to say I have a lot of photos to add for the vacation blog . I can 't say that because our camera disappeared . My watch I use for running disappeared too . I guess it was just one of those things . My toddler and I flew into Reno on Friday , June 28 . My older three children and my husband drove to Reno , leaving the same day . They got there on Saturday . We spent a few days in Reno . We let the children play games at the midway at Circus Circus and watch circus acts . They got to have fun with their cousins . They got to swim . We then headed to Topaz Lake on Wednesday . The swimming pool there was much colder than the one in Reno . My toddler refused to go in the water . She cried . I wanted to cry after jumping in . It was horribly cold . I thought that since it had been in the high 90s , low 100s , it would have warmed up the pool . I was terribly mistaken . We headed into Bridgeport , California , on July 4 . We got there in time to see the parade . I quickly discovered that my cousin , his wife and children , had made the trip from a base in Korea to be there . My other cousin , his wife and children made the trip from the San Francisco Bay area . I was so happy to see them again . We watched some arm wrestling competitions , my daughter and two of her cousins sing karaoke , the kids climbing the greased pole and looking for money in the haystack . We went to the bakery for the first time that my children can remember . There is always delicious food there . We had dinner at my uncle 's house and then headed back to the hotel . I didn 't want to stay for the fireworks because I worried that my toddler would fall to sleep on the way back to the hotel and be awake once we got there for a few hours . On July 5 , my cousin , his wife and daughter , a good family friend , my sis - in - law and I played mud volleyball together . There were 19 teams in the tournament . We lost our first set of games to the team that got either first or second place . We then won two sets of games , and then lost to the team that got second or third place . We ended up in fifth place , which we were very happy about . My children discovered the joy of playing in mud holes . They then learned about sand burrs . They are painful little thorns that about kill your feet . I got them in my feet as I walked to the river to clean off between matches . The river was a perfect temperature . I let my children know to never go in the water without me knowing . I have always warned them against swimming in rivers or ponds because of the threat of the seaweed . It can wrap you up and hold you under . We all managed to get sunburned that day , although we had applied and reapplied SPF 50 several times . After mud volleyball , we went to my uncle 's house again and had fudge . It is the best fudge in the world . We would usually have it on the 4th of July , but it couldn 't happen this year . We were happy to have it . We then returned to our hotel . They had all you can eat spaghetti , so my children had that and I had a salad bar . Vacation food had been weighing on me pretty heavily . The next day was the softball tournament . There were six teams in it . Four of the people on our team , I knew . It was two of my brothers , one nephew , and my cousin . The other six players came from out of town to help us out . They won two and lost two . The last loss bothered me because the ump seemed biased . He made some very upsetting calls in what would end up being our last inning . They play timed games here and we had only a few minutes left . Sometimes it is hard to remember it is just a game , especially when I feel someone is wronging people I love . After the games , we all headed back to Reno and had to start the goodbyes . My two brothers , and their families , that live in Washington had to start the trek home . We said goodbye at the hotel and they took off . It was a wonderful week with them . We got a hotel room and headed out the next morning . My toddler did a wonderful job on the trip home . There wasn 't much crying from her . I was proud of her . The vacation has ended and it is back to life . I gained about 5 pounds on vacation which I need to work off . With how hot it is and the fact that I am training for a half - marathon , it shouldn 't be too hard . My toddler and I flew to Reno on June 28 . My three older children and my husband drove to Reno . They left on June 28 and arrived on June 29 . I always worry about them when I am not there , but my toddler isn 't a huge fan of car trips . I figured that it would be easier if she flew there and then rode home in the car . This way , she wouldn 't have to make two , ten - hour trips . My toddler slept in the Las Vegas airport and all the way until we were descending into Reno . I think the descent bothered her ears . I was thankful that she slept for that time , because the layover was longer than it was supposed to be , and then we had to sit on the tarmac for an hour . It was horribly hot . When we arrived in Reno , my mother picked us up from the airport . We went back to the hotel room . My toddler was awake until 2 am because of the nap on the plane . Duke , my parents ' beloved dog , was there when we walked in . He looked amazing . I asked my mom if he had been groomed recently . He just looked really good . She said that he hadn 't . Duke always loved my children , so he was excited to see my toddler . On June 29 , the next day , Duke was trying to urinate but nothing would come out . My dad decided to stay at the hotel with him while Mom , my toddler and I went to breakfast . We got a call at the end of breakfast that Duke was not doing well . He was trying to urinate every few minutes and nothing would come out . We got back to the hotel and my parents brought him to the emergency vet . When they got back from the vet , they were crying . I knew something was terribly wrong . They told me that the vet was going to do a complete body x - ray to see what was going on . They didn 't know what was wrong , but I think we all knew that Duke didn 't have much longer on this earth . They had to go back to the vet at 1 : 30 , we had about an hour before then . We all cried . Duke was mine first , I left him with my parents when I moved to California . My dad let me know that he would want Duke to stay with them . I couldn 't take Duke away , that was his home , it was what he still knew . I can still see this little puppy coming toward us . That was how I knew which puppy I would pick . I can remember this little , blond , floppy - eared puppy coming toward me . His mom followed us all the way to the van . He was born June 26 , 1999 . At the moment that we brought him home from his parents , we loved him . He was an amazing little guy . We reminisced about this day and many other times with Duke , during that hour before they went back to the vet . Many tears were shed . He was loved . My mom called me upon arrival at the vet to tell me that Duke had bladder and prostate cancer . She let me know , through sobs , that they were going to have him put to sleep . They brought him back to the hotel , so we could say goodbye . My children and husband had arrived by that time , so they were able to say their goodbyes as well . My parents then brought him back to the vet so he could be put to sleep . My mother asked the vet to put him to sleep in the car . They obliged . My mom sat with him and rubbed his ears . When they arrived back at the hotel with him , before burying him , he looked like he was just sleeping . I had to take a moment to make sure he was really gone . The tears flowed . My toddler kept saying hi to him . My 5 year - old got right in and was petting him . He asked why he wasn 't moving , although I had told him he was dead . I then told him he went back to heaven . He then gave Duke a big hug and told me that he loves him even though he is in heaven . They always had an amazing bond . He always stated that it was just Duke 's egg now . I took a second and realized he meant that it is just his shell , and that his spirit is in heaven . We all petted Duke . I think it was important for the children to see that when something is dead , it just means that the spirit has moved on . It is still hard to say your goodbyes , though . Duke lived to be 14 and 3 days old . We loved every moment we had with him from July 31 , 1999 , until June 29 , 2013 . I don 't know if or when my parents will get another dog . There will never be another dog like Duke . My toddler said her first sentence , and I wasn 't within earshot . I wouldn 't have known , except my mother was there to tell me . It was last week , and I had run some clothes upstairs . She was downstairs with my mom . When I returned downstairs , my mother told me that she said a complete sentence . I asked what it was . It was , " Where are you , momma ? " My mother let her know that I would be right back . Although I missed the sentence , it wouldn 't have happened if I had been there . She is saying a lot these days . She is doing a lot too . When she is thirsty , she will go to our refrigerator and open the door . She will grab out a jug of milk and haul it out here . Generally , there isn 't much milk in the cartons that she chooses . Today was different . I heard her in a bit of distress and looked over to see her hauling a full gallon of milk . I chuckled and got up to help her . A gallon of milk weighs eight pounds . She weighs right around 22 pounds . She sure loves her milk . She calls it " meb . " My children are out of school for the summer . Their last day was June 7 . They were excited to be done . My 5 year - old got out of school on May 15 . He was excited about that . The older two children thought he should continue to go until they got out . It was nice to not have to continue driving back and forth the 7 mile , round - trip , twice a day . It has been wonderful to have my parents here to visit . That is one of the reasons I haven 't blogged in a while . We stay busy . My dad put in a laminate wood floor in the dining room for us . He has worked on my van . He built a couple of planters . We sit out back a lot and talk . I have started working on family history again . My mom got me back into doing that . It is amazing how much is left to do . We bought a lot of perennials . They were beautiful for a few days . Now they are all dying , except the dianthus and the coral bells . They are beautiful . The dianthus is thriving . I have no clue why the rest are dying . We planted a garden . We have peas , tomatoes , zucchini , crook neck squash , onion , cucumbers , strawberries and bell peppers . Some of them have started to produce . Our peach tree has several peaches . It looks like we should get a good harvest this year . I am excited about that . Tuesday was quite the day . My toddler loves to spend time outside . It is the best part of her whole day , except for when her brothers and sister get home from school . Since the weather has started to get warmer , we have started to spend a lot of time outside . She will bring me her shoes first thing in the morning . For about a week , she wouldn 't want me to take her socks and shoes off at night . She wanted to wear them to sleep . I would wait until she fell to sleep and then carefully take them off . When my sister was here visiting , I took my toddler 's sock off after she fell to sleep and she woke up immediately crying , " Why , why , why ? " We got a kick out of that . Anyway , on Tuesday , after I picked my son up from preschool , my toddler and I went out back . I was walking over to put my chair down where I wanted it when I heard slithering . I , of course , quickly looked down and saw a snake . I took many quick steps back , to get my daughter . I then took a picture of it with the camera on my phone . I wanted a picture to show my neighbor to see if he knew what kind it was . My 5 year - old son had gone to the zoo with his class on Monday . I asked him what his favorite animal was . He told me the rattlesnake . I figured he might get a kick out of seeing this one . I came inside and yelled " Guess what is in the backyard ! " He said , " What ? " I said , " A snake . " He then ran outside to see it . I told him not to get too close to it . He couldn 't see it at first so I had to grab the rake and point it out . I wasn 't going to get close . I don 't like snakes at all . He told me that it was sleeping . Sounded good enough to me . We then headed across the street to my neighbor who has helped me kill black widows . I showed him the picture of the snake . He didn 't know what kind it was , but he knows he doesn 't like snakes . He said he hasn 't seen snakes around here . I guess I am just lucky ! : ( By the time I got back here , the snake had slithered away . I have no idea where the snake went . It is making going outside a little hairy . I look all around for a snake . I have been told it is most like a garter snake . I am not going to get near them anyway . Later that evening , we had a torrential rainstorm with some hail . I was upstairs cleaning the bathroom . My 9 year - old daughter ran up and told me that I had to cover our peach tree . I told her that I didn 't have to . We were covering it when there was a frost . Then , my 10 year - old son ran up to tell me that there were cracks in the playroom . I had no clue what he was talking about . I asked him what he meant . He said the water was coming in . I knew that at that moment I had to run downstairs and see what was going on . The water was leaking where the playroom meets the kitchen wall . It was only in about a 2 foot area along that wall . The playroom was added on after the house was built in 64 . I don 't know when the playroom was added on but where the ceiling meets the original house was where it was leaking . I think that with all the snow we got in the winter , there might have been a time when it started to melt and then refroze , which might have put a bit of a separation at the add - on roof . I don 't know if that makes sense reading it , but I know what I mean : ) My husband is going to go up there and see if it is something we can just tar , or if it is something that is going to take someone that is a professional at roofs . We are hoping it is an easy tar job ! We had rain yesterday and it didn 't leak . I just think that the rain was just coming down so fast and furious that it caused the problem . We shall see ! I am a wife , mother , daughter and sister . These are the most important roles in my life . I enjoy blogging about my family and about my training for races . The training blog helps keep me motivated . |
I am myself , not what others expect me to be . I have a dog named Roxy and a man named Randy . Presently under employed . . . a bum of the state ! Today has been a very busy day . I 've been baking , doing laundry and getting packed for my trip to sanctuary . On top of that I 'm going out to diner tonight and treated myself to a hair cut . Meanwhile my brakes are being bled and fixed . Just couldn 't make it today , so X agreed to do them . So I am running in and out of the house to pump the pedal off and on . Everything is done now except for my shower . Then its off to diner . Hopefully I can hit bed early so that I am awake enough to drive tomorrow so early . I 'm taking it slowly . I 'll be doing a basic 55 MPH to give the car a break and stopping twice on the way to check things out . I 've got blankets in the car . Water , oil and food . . . just in case . My phone is charged and ready . But I 've also got a car charger for it too . I have only one complaint . . . my MP3 is missing . Music is part of driving . It keeps me from getting bored . Guess I 'll have to sing . If you read yesterday 's post , then you know I am winding up to tell you what foolish thing I did this last weekend . It is always at times like this … when I have money in my pocket and the opportunity to use it unwisely that I fall down . Impulse and the ability to ignore what I know I should not do play a major role . Desperation was the hook here and I was caught like a hungry bass on Sunday morning . The bait … a car when I had none and craved to have one again . Bullwinkle that I am , I met Boris on Craig 's List . He had a car at a price I had in my pocket . The photos looked good . Our conversation seemed sincere and honest . He set the hook when he offered to drive it to me . You can see how nice that would be since I had no way to get to the car . Perfect ! We made our agreement and I did as I always do when I meet a stranger here … I directed him to a local restaurant that has many people coming and going at all times . Yes , I do this to my dates , DH being the only exception . My son cooks here . I know all the employees by first name and even some of the Native Americans selling their fish in the parking lot . It is a very public and safe place . On top of that I had Rocket J . Squirrel with me and Max . What could possibly go wrong ? There was the car . No Borris . But it was the right car . I opened it up and checked out the insides . It was in good shape , but did have a set of laughable hooks … as in I Know What You Did Last Summer … instead of traditional door handles . This appealed to my personal sense of humor . I was undaunted by the crack in the windshield . Up here this time of year everyone has dings and cracks in their windshields from the winter freeway treatments . Rocky got busy doing the right things … checking under the hood and making sure the frame was straight . Meanwhile the Bullwinkle went inside to find Boris . I passed him in the foyer , but after a quick look around inside stopped to ask if he was Boris . He said he had been waiting quite awhile and they had a plane to catch . ( Yes … I know you are sayRocky was shutting the hood as we walked up and he said that it looked okay but we needed to listen to it . The guy jumped in the car , turned it on and it sounded wonderful . Rocky nodded at me and was about to say something when the wife yelled to hurry up … they had to go . I exchanged the money and got the title part done . He jogged over to his car and they zoomed off . There was a bit of trouble with shifting the car out of park . It took me a few minutes to figure out that there is a release button at the base of the shifter . Rocky , back in his own car by now , waved and drove off . I put it into gear and heard the most awful noise as we began to creep toward the exit . Well crap ! I was alone with Max who was more than concerned and swearing . Meanwhile the car continued to sound like a giant garbage disposal as I turned onto the street and headed for the motel down the block where X is remodeling . I did not have to announce us . The car did that . X looked up and walked over , as I sat , now quietly idling . He quickly established that I was the idiot who had just this moment purchased the broken car . When he stopped laughing uproariously at me … and yes , he was delighted … he got down on his hands and knees and did a remarkable thing for someone who had just laughed at me and who I had so recently divorced . He stuck his head under my tires and told me to pull forward . I was musing over the idea of cranking the wheel at laughing man when he directed me to now pull slowly back . Again I was entertained by the idea of being able to say " Ooops ! Offficer … I swear it was an accident ! It made the most gratifying … I mean … horrible popping sound . " But I took too long with that fantasy and opportunity passed by as he stood back up . " Well you 've got bad CV joints . I 'm not sure you can even make it home . " He shook his head and continued to laugh until I gave him my best death ray look . He says with a more sober face " Well , it 's not a total loss . That 's an easy fix and not very expensive . But you 'll be lucky if you make it a block . " He began walking back to his job , shaking his head and cackling . I put the darned humiliation into gear and headed out onto the street . This time after a block … at least it was after a block … so the X wasn 't completely right … it got even louder . Fortunately for me , I passed Just who turned and watched me drive past with an open mouth . I had not an hour before run into Just and his minion and worked out a deal to fix the Aspire the following month when I could afford it better . My automotive display softened his heart toward me . When I called after the big , big noise that soon followed and it was clear that I needed to park the piece of wrecking yard fodder , Just jumped right in to help . He promised to have my Aspire fixed by Tuesday … and kept his word . He also promised and followed through on towing my new lawn ornament to my home . But I am ahead of myself . The big , big noise happened and the engine made it clear that there was too much revving and too little moving to keep up with it . So I pulled to the curb … immediately in front of the school where I work and parked it . When I looked up , a blue pick up truck was stopping . There he was … N , the mechanic from the place that had rooked me last . Talk about ambulance chasers ! But , I am being unfair . He said the same thing that X had said , did not try to get me to give my car to his shop , and then drove us home . That was very kind . I called Rocky as soon as I got inside . Better to eat humble pie as fast as possible . He was not only sympathetic , he felt that he was responsible . " I had a bad feeling about how fast he wanted to get away . I should have insisted that he go for a drive in it . " Then he agreed to drive me to the market and to school and pick me up the next day . So I fell . Splat ! But like Bullwinkle , I hopped back up and there was no serious damage . Just is repairing both cars . The Aspire now shifts beautifully . We even managed to work out a trade so that I did not have to pull anymore money out of my pocket for the parts and labor . All things considered . I am lucky . I can always sell the new car once it is repaired and recover my money that way . As for Boris … well in Oregon we have a serious lemon law and lawyers who specialize in it . Of course the lawyer will want a cut , so the question there is how much is vengeance worth ? I sure wish I had a Way - Back Machine . I have done a number of dumb things in my life . There appear to be some idiots laws involved , not unlike and often including Murphy 's law … which I am sure you know . " If something can go wrong , it will . " I have my own little amendment to that famous law … " When something goes wrong , there is always a witness . " Another of my favorite idiot 's laws is the " Wrong me once , shame on you ! Wrong me twice , shame on me ! " But I skip the first part and just call it the " Sham on me ! " law . We seem to be constant partners . Want another one ? " The more ridiculous the situation , the more likely I am involved . " My stuffy grandmother used to call them " common sense " laws and had no trouble pointing out that I seemed to have a loss of common sense and her disappointment that I failed to use my excellent brain . Her favorite law for me was the " Look before you leap ! " law . I do look . But I also have a grand capacity to ignore the little voice in my head when I want something . Though that little voice is loud , it says " Warning … you are about to do something stupid ! " So even my little voice knows better than to think I might use my common sense and walk away . Allow me to give you a prime and recent example . As you know , I have been involved in a torrent of car disasters … leaving me dependent on the kindness of others . I loath having to depend on other people and imposing my troubles on them . I 'm old enough to remember wearing my skate key on a string around my neck night and day . I should be old enough to solve my own troubles . If only I didn 't created those troubles too ! So one car died and is living at DH 's house . Lovely . The other is up on blocks without a clutch . Very rural Oregonian looking … a car on blocks in your yard . Things are bad because everything here that you require is in one town or another to the right or the left . You cannot walk there to get it . At least not without a good pack and a sleeping bag . Another important point is that it RAINS here all the time and that plays havoc with a simple stroll to the local over priced market where you can spend twice as much and get half as much as if you did have a car to get to the next town over . It is a royal pain . Desperation and impatience set in . There should be a word , a term for the type of claustrophobia of living carless in a tiny town in the middle of not much of anywhere . Here 's another law … " If you have to get a ride to the market , you will forget the toilet paper … or the clerk will leave something out of your bag . " All I can say is many blessings on the head of Rocket J . Squirrel for driving this Bullwinkle around for the last few weeks and having the sense of humor to answer his phone cheerfully with " B 's taxi ! Where are we going this time ? " and for his attempt to keep me from doing the very dumb thing I did last weekend . He even felt bad for me after … a kind man . Okay … I 've set it all up and too many words are in this post already . Stay tuned … Bullwinkle is jumping out of the airplane with Boris 's faulty shute … how will she escape this new peril ? And how the heck did she get into whatever mess it was anyway ? Tomorrow the event and the conclusion . There is nothing like a good Boris in this world to make life interesting . Posted by Today I woke up with hives . I do not mean little red dime sized hives . I mean great mother of all time hives . Half of my forehead is one big one , another closed my right eye . At least this time I don 't have the parrot lips that sometimes go with them . Sometimes they itch . Sometimes like today they don 't . Good thing I wear clothes . . . I 've got extra lumps where no lumps should be . Ha . They will be gone in a day . Until then I can pretend to be Igor or maybe even a suitable Quasimodo . When Just brought it back to me and I drove it home , I shut it off , got out and happy danced into the house . Later when it occurred to me that I could hop in my car . . . without calling anyone to drive me . . . and go to the store . I did exactly that . I hopped down the steps , opened the door , belted in and stuck the key in the lock , gave it a twist and NOTHING . Hahaha . . . I laughed at myself . Silly woman , you have to put the clutch in or it won 't start . I jammed my foot down , gave it the twist and MORE NOTHING . Odd . It always starts like a champ . I looked around and there it was . . . the lights were on . Well crap . You see the last car I was driving for about a week was dabear 's old subaru . Its lights are automatic . The Aspire requires a person with minimal brain function to turn the lights off . Fortunately one of the things that I did for myself for Tax - mas was purchase a nice Black and Decker battery charger . . . being a person who has had the unfortunate experience of making this same mistake in the past . Less than an hour later I was back behind my own wheel and tooling on down to the market . This morning when I got up , showered and went to leave for work . . . VAROOM . I am back in business again . Man it feels good . I have to hand it to him , his minion and his grandfather . . . they did a much better job than the last fella who gave it a shot . He worked most of the night to get it in so that I did not have to bum any more rides . What a hero ! This weekend I 'll be off to Sanctuary . But I am sure that you could have guessed that eh ? The tires I have on my Aspire now are not the good ones that Billy B . got me . Those were loaned to the now dead in DH 's driveway Prism . So that is on the agenda . DH will switch them back on for me and do a compression test on the engine . We can decide how to rid myself of the Prism best for optimum cash . With luck , come June . . . I will be moving close to Sanctuary . Less wear and tear for the car . However , it occurs to me that the very act of moving will remove the need for Sanctuary . I 'll have my own little piece of peace . Cool beans ! Not that I will stay away from there either . No chance . But the hours will change to smaller doses . My life will expand in other directions . I have four friends there . . . five if I count the nudest . But , I am not crazy about visiting him at the nudest colony . My body likes clothing . Yikes ! Nor do I want to put my butt where naked butts have been . Eeewwww . Maybe , just maybe I 'll even get in to see a Ducks game next season at Autzen . Despite my very unattractive look today , I am feeling lighthearted and positive . Things are looking up . Brighter days are ahead . At the request of dabear . . . well demand acutally . Ha . I don 't blame her . I post a lot of music and I have varied tastes that are not everyone 's cup of tea . Billy B . you will not like this much . But I love it . Love it . I have wanted to post some Losing Balance for a long time to share with you . Because they are good . . . very good . . . and because of my love , appreciation and pride in Mikey P . He is dabear 's fellow . A more wonderful son I could not hope for . . . or better fella for dabear and father of my grandson , Turkey . I was not able to find a youtube of Losing Balance to put up there . But you see their logo . They have been billed as San Diego 's most popular bar band . But you will see for yourself that they are beyond a simple bar band for a fun Saturday night . They are very talented and professional . Well worth going to this site and checking them out . A quiet day and evening . I am waiting for the guys to pick up my car . DH is going to give it a compression check when I get it back on the road . Yay ! One of the frogs that I thought I was done with showed back up . Interesting . I am cautious about this one . The old favorite frog did too recently . Though I must say , he is not my favorite frog anymore . One of them , but not THE favorite . Things change . They wander in and out . I am cautious but constant . Its all good fun and nothing more . This is the bouncing souls . I love this one . It really gets you going . Sometimes I really need something to get me going . I thought you might enjoy it . But it is loud . . . so adjust your speakers to a comfort zone you prefer . Me . . . I crank this one up ! A nice pick me up for a lazy Sunday . Hey . . . I found a mechanic to fix my Aspire . Cool beans . Monday afternoon . So there you have it . . . a slice of my somewhat pathetic but happy life . Well mostly happy anyway . Today was our " 100th Day of School " celebration . The kids bring 100 things to school . 100 Skittles in a baggie , 100 Cheerieos , etc . It is a fun day full of counting things , eating them and more goodies at the party . The kiddos get pretty excited about it . These kings up there are wearing the 100 stars crowns that we made this morning . Yikes ! Kindergartners with glue . I un - did and re - did a few crowns that did not quite get to where they were going . In the end , it all worked out well and the children had a great time . But I must admit I was glad to see the little darlings hyped up on sugar get on that bus to go home . Tomorrow we are having an all - school field trip . We will see a ukulele group . Promises to be noisy if nothing else . But I have a feeling that it will be fun . I get to ride on the bus with the lowest grades . I can 't say much for my weekend at this point . I think I got my quota of fun in last weekend . This one is promising to be quiet and home bound . But with a bit of luck , one of my ex - students may put the clutch in my car . Don 't worry , he 's a grease monkey . What have you all got going ? By the way . . . today was our 100th day of school and to me , that means that I have exactly 59 working days left in this school year . What do you know . . . I might just make it out the other end . Big grins . Posted by It seems like a lot of time has passed since I saw him last . ( I tell this stuff here to DH and he says " yeah , but its been a loooong two weeks . " Yep , it has . Squeaky looked somehow taller , older and the divide between us is wider . I was afraid to hug him hello , then changed my mind . But when that embrace ended , the boy was gone and a man smiled back at me . Bear got down to business . We worked out a price for them to keep him . I agreed . He needs things and food . He 's still my responsibility . But only for a bit longer . Just until his college financial aid kicks in . A few months at best . Then the man is totally on his own . I visited and watched as he packed up the last of his stuff . Computer stuff mostly . All the while this song above ran through my head . We do not have that kind of situation at all . Not what 's in the song . But it reminded me that this changeling is the one who decides what kind of man he will be . I 've done my part . The rest is up to him . . . to be the man he wants to be for himself . A subtle change when he left . This time he did not fight me or tell me " No touching ! " the way he used to when I would sneak up to hug him . This is not my cuddly child . The quick and suffered hugs of the past turned into a good long and willing hug followed by the words " Mom , I love you . " and I didn 't even have to tell him I loved him first . It was five minutes after he left before I snuck off to my room to have a little cry . Then I thought about what Turkey said . . . " Grandma , mom has underwear . I want to go home . " and I laughed good and hard . You gotta love what goes through a two and a half year old 's mind . Posted by Well I made it through valentine 's day , a date , two days in sanctuary and a trip of a three day weekend . Its 11 : 34 PM on a workday eve . . . and I am just now getting home and settled in . Yikes ! Let me say this . . . the date with S went well . I had a good time . Nice diner out . We watched a couple of old movies and we had a lot in common so we had good conversation . We will see how it goes . Then I was off to sanctuary for a couple of days . S was kind enough to drive me to the bus station . Very strange sort of thing to kiss one fella good bye as you get on a bus and then kiss a different one hello when you get off it . But hey . . . it was Valentine 's Day . One I won 't forget . Too funny ! I had a great time there . We mostly did everyday things . We helped his daughter move a sofa and a love seat . I met his youngest son , who I have not met before and we all went out for lunch . They gave me so much food , that it was lunch , diner and tonight 's diner too . We hung out at home that evening and ate the leftovers , so no one had to cook . A nice relaxing evening . Watched some Dr . Who episodes . I think I yakked his head off . Today I was up at the crack of dawn . . . no , way before dawn . The diet I 'm on makes me very hyper and I do not sleep a lot . I have more energy than I know what to do with . . . so I entertained myself until DH got up . His mom and step - dad stopped by to take us out for lunch . His mom and I have become friends . I think the world of her and her husband . Shoot of the whole family . When we got " home " we yakked some more , then he worked on his truck while I attacked some blackberry vines in his yard . It was a war of sorts . The blackberries got first blood . . . and well , all the blood . . . but I won the battle . I made great progress , but the war will continue another time . I love to do yard work but have no yard worth working on at home . ( Mine is tiny , in the shade and anything you put in it becomes property of the park . ) He came out after he finished doing his thing on the truck and worked too until I pooped out . The rest of the day and early evening we spent chilling until it was time for me to get on that bus . Strange episode number two . . . kiss one fella as I get on the bus , kiss the other one when I get off the bus . S was waiting and drove me home . That was very nice , since he had to be up and off to the coast early in the morning . Not to mention it was about a 3 hour round trip for him . We 'll see if he decides I am more trouble than I am worth . Max was here , crashed on the sofa . So no empty house . The dog managed to tangle himself around a tree . Out I went in the rain and wind to untangle him in the dark . I fed Zitto and thought , yep . . . I am home alright . I closed up the library and headed out for my 3 day weekend , not any too pleased with what I thought lay ahead . Lorn moved out while I was at work . I knew that Max would be there for a bit before taking off to enjoy his friends for a few days up in the town to the left . Bear would be picking up the car that I 'd been using all week to trade it in on a nice Outback . I 'd be back to hoofing it . I had time to shop and get supplies for the weekend . Saw the new car and said good - byes to Max and Bear . Then there it was . . . 3 days alone . I had no clue what I was going to do with myself all that time other than clean house and do laundry . Oh the thrill of that ! Ha . The house felt strange and empty of sound . I purposely turned out every light but the one in my room . I did not want company . Not the kind that drops in here anyway . My house was quiet but the pond was loud and DH and I did our usual email thing . I had a couple of nice phone calls from two different frogs . Time passed much more quickly that I thought it would and I was certainly not lonely . Today I have a lunch date with a frog I have only talked with on the computer who does not live too far away . He has one of those names that cracks you up . . . like Ted Bear , or my friend , Mary Jane Stoner . As usual all the information on him ( verified by eharmony ) has been sent to the bear , who will call me mid - date to see if I am chunked up in glad bags yet . I 'm still nervous . No matter how careful you are , you 're still flying blind . This time I am not sure what we are going to do , but I like a good mystery . Tomorrow if things go right , I 'm off on a bus or by car . . . I 'm kind of doubting the car borrowing this time . Down to sanctuary for a couple of days with one night . Very cool beans . So much for a lonely 3 day weekend and being totally alone . I 'm glad it worked out this way . I know there will be plenty of time alone now . But I didn 't really want to have a weekend of listening to the clock tick . Okay , one of the guys I work with sent me this video . He knows that I like the White Stripes who originally did this . . . and that I am a fan of some country . I got a kick out of it and I hope that you do too . If it 's not your cup of tea , pass it by . What a weird day . The power went out in our end of the gorge and so school was held in the mostly dark . Yep , I was teaching kids to read by flashlight . I have to tell you the journey to the bathroom stalls in the windowless restrooms was a bit of a trip too . I don 't know how many little ones I escorted by the light of my cell phone . . . which I had to keep closing and opening . So I left work early . No sense in sitting in a dark library . Instead I went directly home and took a nice long nap . . . until the light I 'd left on to alter me woke me up when the power came back on . Nice . Not much doing tonight . Had my usual with DH on the computer . Cracked myself up more than I was truly funny , but hey . . . I have fun and he 's a good sport about it . New frog in the pond . Frog S . . . who lives close and is good at flattery . I keep my brain in straight though . The other frogs are there , but less . That 's okay . I am still having fun with this nonsense and unless you have actual interaction , you do run out of things to say and tell . That is one of many good things about DH . . . I know his world and he knows mine . I had an interesting offer . Not from a frog , but from a friend 's mother in the area where I want to relocate . Relocating is tricky . You have to have a place to stay while you find employment that is suitable . No running off just because I 'd like to be there . It has to make sense , there has to be work and a source of income . I do get paid year round . By the end of the school year , I will have made the money that I am paid in the summer . It won 't run out until the following fall . That gives me time to find work there . But there are still expenses to consider . Let 's see if you can follow this friend line long enough to get through it . Ny friend 's mother , who is my friend , has friend who had a stroke . He can basically care for himself . But he would like a housekeeper and a cook . Well , geez . . . I can do those things . In exchange , I would get my own room and as much time as I like for social life or work . That is a huge savings . Think of how much you pay to rent or own your house each month . That money that I spend could go into the bank . I like that . The bonus of course is that I would not be exactly alone in a place and would live in a very nice area that I would not otherwise be able to afford . Have I got enough compassion to do that ? Sure . I get along with almost everyone , especially men . So I am thinking about it . I told her that I would have to meet him first and then could better decide . But that would buy me time to get on with the district there . And really , once I meet him and it 's all good , there is no reason why I cannot go ahead and apply before I move in that direction . Use the remainder of my school year here to fish for a job there . If jobs aren 't happening , then I would know before I tried to move . The big thing here is that I want to stay in the state school system . . . I would not lose my health care or my retirement . I need both . It is iffy at this point . . . but what do you think ? Is it another case of kissmet ? Like when I got my job because I was trying to get permission to use the soccer field ? She did not know that I was looking . She thought that maybe I would want it as a summer job . . . that might work into something more that I liked . Squeaky moved out today . I have waited a long time for this … to reclaim my independence and be a single person without obligations in tow . Oh , Max and Lorn are both still here temporarily . But they are adults . They come and go as they please and I do not keep tabs on them . They will wander on their way as opportunity arrives . Both leave for extended periods to stay elsewhere . It feels funny . Not hahahaha … but ODD . I have gone through so many changes this past year . Married to single . Not dating to dating . Lots of physical and emotional changes . You know that I am contemplating a move . Yet I have kept my balance through all of that . No problem . I was moving forward instead of standing still . I would be a liar if I did not say that this event … Squeaky making his move for adulthood … has not thrown my balance off . I was expecting it in June . I had in mind a nice family BBQ to celebrate his last evening at home with fare thee well wishes and laughter . Today he moved out quietly while I was at work , oblivious . Oh , Bear informed me last night that it was happening . That they wanted to keep him and he wanted to stay . I agreed . Still , I did not expect it to happen this way . The heart is a funny thing . It is beyond any doubt the best thing for him . He has lacked a male influence in his life that I cannot give . Mikey P will fill that void . He will not spoil him . He will make him toe the line . He will finish teaching him how to drive and make sure that he gets a license . Tomorrow ( or is it today Bear ? ) they are signing him up for college and they will take care that he does the work to get his financial aid . He will begin college at spring term . Cool beans ! I know that he will be safe in that healthy household . I know that there will be curfews . Good rules . I know he will make friends that I do not know for the first time in his life . Maybe he will meet a nice girl . His adult life is just starting … an exciting time as I recall . For all these things I am thankful . Okay … so I have waited a long time for this moment . To re - start my own independent life . I have not missed him an iota since he went up there to stay , knowing where he was and who he was with and that he was having a good time . Tonight is no different from last night or the last few weeks with him gone . So tell me , why am I blue ? Wow a day of surprises . Lorn just told me that he is moving out too . He decided last week to do it , when the opportunity came up but did not know how to tell me or Squeaky . Problem solved . Another baby bird leaves the nest . Not that he was really mine , but you know , you worry about young ones . The way this starts is a real tickler . Two men lose their daughters to a senseless tragedy . That sort of thing is too big to fit in your head . So they are trying to find ways to cope with it . An opportunity arises to be able to see their daughters again . . . in a virtual setting . One man embraces the idea , the other is repelled . " That is not my daughter ! She can 't even feel her heart beat . " Interesting question . If I lost my child , would I find visiting with him or her in a virtual setting acceptable or would I be repulsed ? I know that answer because I know my self . I would see my child any way that I could . What would happen next ? I don 't know . Cylons , Pet Cemetery . . . does it ever turn out good to bring your child back from the dead ? Yet , I know that I would not be able to walk away without trying if there was an option . What a fun movie ! One of the things I got to do this weekend was see Ghost Rider . I really like this song . . . interesting version don 't you think ? Well , I 'm home again and back into my normal grind . The drive down was fast . In fact , I could not believe how fast other cars were going and I thought I was pushing it ! I had another great visit with DH . I got there about 9 : 30 AM on Saturday . Felt sort of strange to drive in the daylight , but had no car troubles at all . It did take me about an hour and a half to figure out the cruise control on the way . People were zooming past me like there was no tomorrow . I glad to get off the freeway and relax . Saturday we did a bit of shopping but otherwise spent the time visiting . His daughter and her kids dropped in . The only other time I have met them was very briefly . Her daughter was shy . She 's an adorable little thing . This time she walked in the door , smiled at me and said " Hi grandma ! " Cracked us all up . Well , I am a grandma after all . . . just not her grandma . But that 's okay . I 'm glad she likes me . DH got some comedy DVDs . We watched Abbot and Costello . I had no memory of them having a variety show , so I was a bit taken aback , expecting more of their stand - up routines . They had some acts that would have been very entertaining to someone in the 50s . Acrobats and tap dancers . Neither of us were terribly impressed by them . The skits were funny though . Mostly we watched videos . More of The Lost Room mini series that was on SciFi last summer . I am not sure if we will ever get through all of it at this rate . Its a great story , but both of us fall asleep . Its one of those movies that is dark . I mean the sets tend to be in the dark a lot . I think that contributes . Of course we also tend to watch it pretty late . This morning we watched Ghost Rider . It was on FX . Did you know that his bike in it was based on Captain America 's bike in Easy Rider ? Cool how Peter Fonda was Mephistopheles in it and even commented on what a nice bike it was . I liked the song , so it 's up there . Interesting version . Another interesting thing was that Sam Elliot plays a similar character to the one he plays in The Big Lebowski . I suppose I should mention that it starred Nicolas Cage as Johnny Blaze . Fun movie . The weekend ended with the Superbowl . Congratulations to The Saints ! Both teams played well . It was a good game that could have gone either way . But it was the first time The Saints have made it to a Superbowl , so it was nice that they won . DH was rooting for them . Naturally , I was too . Fun stuffs . Then I had a quick diner and hit the road home . Thankfully , there were no car problems at all this time . DH is going to call around and see what kind of deal he can find selling my Prism . Hopefully the Aspire will be done soon and I 'll be back behind my own wheel again . Cheaper on gas too . I 've missed my little clown car . I miss my independence . So it was a fun weekend . Relaxed and low key . I can 't ask for anything better . As always , DH was great company and sent me home smiling . Now I 'm ready to get back to the stuff of my everyday life . Have a great Monday . Posted by What do you think . . . good traveling music or what ? Yep . . . off again , thanks to bear and mikey p . and the loan of their car . Good company and the Superbowl before I head back again . Enough serious stuff for a few days . I hope you all relax and do whatever it is that makes you happy . I am . What will you do ? The weather here is actually behaving spring - like ! I hope it stays that way . But rain or shine , it won 't matter much to me . I always have a good time there . Okay . . . here we go . Got a question for you . What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do ? You tell me yours and I will tell you mine . Cat Stevens and I have had our issues . Mainly about censorship . That battle is put aside today in favor of using this song to make a point . These words are simple but wise . Think things are bad ? My recent car woes have preoccupied most of my thoughts . How to get around this mess . . . get my life on track again . Solution and action . I pace , I think , I try out ideas and obsess . I tell myself that at least I am staying positive and moving forward . Then a different reality came to land on me first thing this morning . I am thankful it does not much belong to me . My part here is tiny . Nothing really . I work with a wonderful woman who is by marriage part of my grand daughter 's mother 's family . That makes her in my head , part of my family . We work together in her class everyday and get along very well . She is a strong support for me in my job and otherwise . She is a positive support for my Sookie in a sometimes crazy life . Today she told me a story that gave me a strong sense of what is important in life . Most of us have breathed a sigh of relief that the swine flu has passes us by unscathed . Not much of a threat after all , we think . . . so what was the big deal ? Sookie has an aunt that is very young . She has been married about a year to a sweet young man who contracted the swine flu . This lead to heart damage , an emergency heart operation that was not successful . It was decided that he would require a heart transplant to save his life . He was put on a list . Last night his heart failed and he was rushed into the hospital . The news this morning is that he cannot survive long enough for a transplant . He is dying as you read this . He is twenty years old . He was as healthy as any twenty year old man a matter of weeks ago . You get the point , I 'm sure . If nothing else today , be thankful . ( Oh . . . and you know you can make it bigger right ? ) Well , I am home now . Monday was a grinder of a day . I got up when DH got up for work , made myself a pot of coffee and waited to be able to call the mechanic that fixed my car . I began chatting with his mother on line and explained why I was still there . She called me in a bit and I told her what the mechanic said . . . that he would not come that far to tow my car back . But he would look at it . . . for a price . . . if I managed to get it to Dumb Potter 's Hell . She decided that they would come and tow my car back to DH 's and she would get a mechanic she knew to give an opinion . They did that . Try to picture two people in their 70s and batty me out on the freeway in rain and spray from the cars and trucks trying to figure out how to use the tow straps and use a come - a - long to pull it onto the tow dolly . Oi ! We were soaked and frazzled but we got it back to DH 's . Unfortunately , her mechanic said that he did not think the car was worth what I would have to put in it to repair it properly . I pretty much expected this news . DH had said as much too . I can 't afford to throw more money away on it . Sigh . So DH and I will find out how much I can get for it from a scrap yard . . . and get it out of his driveway . ( Though he is being very nice about it . ) We visited for a bit with the surprised DH , who did not expect to see me or my car there today when he got home . Then they left and I sat around with DH until Bear and Cousin J came to rescue me . They had the little angels with them . But Bear finally got to meet DH and visa versa . That was nice . I 'm thinking now is the time to get that bike and turn this coal into a diamond . I think most of the bad weather is gone now . Sure , we have rain , but I am used to getting drenched . That is part of life here . Besides , I can use the exercise and it will be a nice change . Thanks to billy pilgrim 's comment on yesterday 's post , I found the cure for my blue mood . Max and I have sat up way too late laughing ourselves silly over episodes of " Fawlty Towers " . If you have never seen it , check it out . If you have and like me , have forgotten much of what happened . . . check it out too . Very cool beans ! Posted by First off , I had a wonderful 3 day weekend . It was great seeing DH . We have not seen each other since New Years . Funny how quickly you can fall back into the same comfortable pattern . I got some fun photos . One of " Pecker Rock " . . . yes , it is a big rock shaped like a giant penis . I got some photos of Autzen Stadium with its big " O " . We checked out his fishing spot . We took a drive around the area and DH pointed out the highlights of his life in location . I like stuff like that . This is a beautiful area . Springfield is not big as cities go . You are in the countryside within minutes . Rural drives like that are very relaxing . We went to a home improvement center to shop around for drawer pulls for a cabinet he just finished building . I have photos of that too . I take photos of everything . Okay . . . of most things . Then we went to his son 's house and met his son and his gal . Turns out that they had visiting relatives , so we met them too . These people had just stopped in Dumb Potter 's Hell to use the restroom . Small world ! DH 's son is a DH Jr . . . . so they have the same name . So do his son 's girlfriend and I . The relatives got a big kick out of that one . It is funny . What are the odds of that ? The weekend was supposed to end with the Pro Bowl game . But I had to leave at half time in order to get home early . We said our good - byes . . . me promising to be back for the Super Bowl . . . and away I drove . Within twenty minutes I was pulling to the side of the road and calling DH for rescue . What 's wrong with the blasted car now . . . I don 't know . I do know that I just paid over $ 600 in repair bills and it should not have had a problem with overheating . DH says he thinks it 's worse than overheating this time . Now the car sits at the side of the freeway , waiting for me to arrange a tow . I 'm sitting in DH 's office on his computer , wearing his flop - feet and sweats . Bear will be down to get me this afternoon . When upsetting things happen I sit down and count those things that have happened that were good . It makes me feel better . So here we go . . . I am thankful that I got to spend 4 very enjoyable days and nights with DH , that I met some nice new people , that I arrived safely and when stranded . . . was rescued and that this time when I was upset , there was someone there to listen to me mutter until I fell asleep , even if he did wake me up to tell me I was snoring and needed to roll over . ( Can anyone tell me why I can sleep through my snoring but no one else can ? You 'd think it would wake me . ) Well wish me luck with the car and getting it and myself home . I know I 'll make it home okay with Bear . . . but the car , I 'm not so sure about . I may have to donate it to the great state of Oregon . Time to get the Aspire back on its clutch . |
Since February I have been sharing the story of my maternal second great grand aunt Elizabeth Talmer Roberts Shepherd . She was the sister of my maternal great great grandfather Abel Roberts . I chose Elizabeth " Lizzie " , because in delving into family geneology I had come across a comprehensive written story of her life . I was impressed by this young woman 's courage and strength . If you want to start at the beginning click here . If you have been following her journey scroll down for the next and final installment of Lizzie and her family 's journey . Valie took Grace with her and went up on the train to be with Addie for a couple of weeks . Thelma and Grace had a lovely time together in the fall of 1914 when things became quiet for the winter . Lizzie rented out the hotel and took an extended trip . They went first up to Burley , Idaho where Claude and also Edna were living . They then took the train down to Salt Lake City and to southern Utah to visit Lizzie 's brother Will and Ben Roberts . Following that they traveled to Olathe , Colorado to get acquainted with some new family members that had been born there ; James Earnest Louise Wiggett ( DOB 11 / 28 / 1912 ) , Rollins Don Carlos Shepherd III ( DOB 02 / 07 / 1913 ) and Agnes Prettyman ( DOB 03 / 01 / 1913 ) . The family stayed with Carl until about the end of January and then returned to Burley on the train . When they returned they found George and Edna Hanna had a new son , Calvin Grant Hanna ( DOB 01 / 12 / 1915 ) . Carl and Annie Shepherd also had a son born that spring , Lyman Shepherd ( DOB 03 / 28 / 1915 ) . Annie was not able to leave her bed after the birth of this child . The doctor diagnosed her problem as enlargement of the liver , but Valie believed she have had cancer . Annie ( Mary Anna Abercrombia Shepherd ) suffered a great deal and died about three weeks later on April 18 , 1915 in a hospital in Montrose . She was buried on April 21st at Olathe , Colorado . Lizzie and Valie took the train and returned in order to help Carl with the young family . It became apparent he could not work and care for seven children . Annie 's son , Ira Caldwell , was sent off by train to his sister Brazilla in Green River , Wyoming . Electra and 11 and Bertha 9 , and they stayed with their father on the ranch at Olathe . Lizzie took the four smaller children back to Denton , Montana . Lora was about 7 , Clara about 5 , Carlos just past two and Lyman was a new baby only a little over a month old . Claude and Francetta remained at Burley , Idaho that year and had their first son , Claude Albert Shepherd , born there on August 6 , 1915 . Over in Colorado , Earnest Wiggett and Carl Shepherd lived on East Mesa at Olathe . Mary Wiggett has a younger sister named Hattie May Kinnaman , who lived with their mother Ellazia York Kinnaman Marley in Delta . Hattie often came to Olathe to visit Mary . Carl took a job on Ash Mesa and boarded with the Markley 's while he worked on the canal . During this time he fell in love with Hattie . They were married at Mrs . Markley 's home in Delta , Colorado on January 16 , 1916 . Meanwhile back in Denton , Montana , little baby Lyman Shepherd was ill all that spring . Although he was past a year old he could not stand on his feet and was ill until he died at age 14 months on May 1916 . Lizzie asked the elders to have President Melvin J . Ballard come and conduct the funeral . He came and preached a very powerful sermon to the large crowd of towns people who came out of curiosity . Sometime later in the summer , Lizzie took the other three children back to Colorado . One cannot begin to understand the feelings of these young children who had lost their own mother , then just as they were getting settled into a life with their grandmother , were then taken back to begin life as members of a new family . Sometime in 1916 , Claude Shepherd decided to go to the Uintah Basin of Utah . According to history regarding Joseph Prettyman an Uncle Tom Roberts was running the post office at Cedar View , Utah . The Prettyman family arrived in Roosevelt about this same time and took jobs fencing land for the government Indian reservation in this area . About this same time Jim Peacock inherited $ 4 , 000 . 00 following the death of his father in England . He took this money and invested it with Claude on a piece of land near Red Cap , Utah . Claude build a small frame house for his family and Jim had a tent nearby . The following year another son , Robert Bartley Shepherd , was born to Claude and Francetta , on January 11 , 1917 . Early in the spring of 1918 , Lizzie rented a farm near Roosevelt , Utah . Both the Hanna family and the Huffman family , came up to the area . Two little cousins , Thelma and Grace , enjoyed walking to school together . Sometime early in April , as the girls came home from school , they waded in rain puddles and got very wet . Grace developed a case of croup and became very ill . The croup took her life in a few days and Grace Esther Shepherd died at the age of 6 on April 14 , 1918 . Bill Tubbs made the casket for her to be laid to rest in . The loss of this dear little girl was very hard for the family to accept . Late in that same summer , George and Edna Hanna had another son , Harold Raymond Hanna , born at the ranch near Roosevelt , Utah on August 25 , 1918 . Also that same year Scott and Addie Huffman suffered a loss of twins . Addie had been having labor pains for about a week and was very ill . When the babies came on September 6 , 1918 , they were stillborn . The twin girls were given the names Adeline and Valie . They were buried at the foot of Grace 's grave in the Roosevelt Cemetery . Addie was very sick for about three weeks . She had always wanted twins and took the loss very hard . Valie stayed with her and took care of the family until Addie recovered and became stronger . Late in the fall , most of the Shepherd family moved to Grand Junction . Addie became very ill . Valie went to the druggist to ask what they were using to help and he just shrugged and said " Nobody knows what to do . " , so she went to the grocery and bought a bag of onions and a bag of lemons . She made a big pot of onion soup and kept everyone drinking hot lemonade . Everett had a high fever and went out of his head talking about Grace . This alarmed his mother and the family very much . Many people were dying each day during this epidemic of flu . Everyone worried for several days that Addie would not have the strength to survive . Finally she and the others began to improve . However , when Francetta Shepherd got the flu in February , she was not so fortunate . This strain of flu seemed to be especially violent for young children and for women who were expecting . Francetta was one of these women , and after many days of being very ill she died . Francetta Kelsey Shepherd , only 23 years old , was buried at Roosevelt , Utah beside her daughter Grace on February 14 , 1919 . Early in the spring of the same year , Claude moved his family to Grand Junction . It took him eight days to travel with his wagon from the town of Wellington in Utah , to Colorado . Both Bart and Claude went to work for the irrigation company in the area known as the Redlands South of Grand Juncton . Lizzie and Valie took care of the young boys . It was Grandma who raised Claude and Bob from then until manhood . Late in the fall , the family went to Olathe and spent the winter of 1919 - 1920 there . It proved to a be a pleasant winter as all the young people would get together at different homes for Saturday night dances . About the middle of May , Valie returned to Grand Junction to be with Addie when her baby arrived . She and Addie were very close and she always looked forward to spending time with her family . She was there with them when the baby , Glen Huffman , was born on May 31 , 1920 . Early in June the rest of the family returned to Grand Junction . Scott and Addie were just getting ready to move out into the Redlands where Scott had taken a job with a ditch company . The company had a house for them . The Shepherd family moved into the house that they had been living in . Soon after this , Valie and Thelma were going downtown one day when they met John Garrett on the street . He had gotten a piece of steel in his eye , and had been to the doctor . He was wearing dark glasses to protect his eye for a few days . Soon he and Valie were going together again . He took a job irrigating on the Redlands too , and became a frequent visitor at the Huffman 's house . That spring there was an epidemic of whooping cough . Florence , Nellie and Agnes Prettyman all had it . So did Marie Wiggett when her family came for a visit at Addie 's house . The older children would survive it , but a tiny baby did not have enough strength to endure the endless coughing . When Glenn began to get very sick , Addie called the doctor , He came and left a prescription slip . Valie walked out in the fields and asked him if he would take his care and get the filled for the , which he did . However , the baby died before the medicine could help him . Baby Glen Huffman passed away on June 31 , 1920 . Addie took the loss of this baby very hard . This was the third baby she had buried in less than two years . Claude stayed at Olathe until he had the crops all in . Then in the summer he traveled down to Grand Junction . He and Bill Tubbs got a big carpenter job over at Gateway , Colorado and they worked there until the last of August . Sometime during the year before , when they were living in Grand Junction , Valie had met a girl named Maude McGovern . She had first met her at church . Later Valie went with Edna and George , and a group to a dance at Maude 's house . When Valie came home from this dance , she had told Bart that she had met his wife . Bart really laughed at this idea and said he was not very interested in girls and the idea of a wife was far from his mind . Valie had almost forgotten about this incident , since it was almost a year later . Soon they met up again with Maude following their attendance at the family wedding of Sarah Prettyman and Loren Craig on June 12 , 1920 . After the wedding , Loren and Sarah were taking a group over to the store for a treat . In the group was Valie , John and Bart . On the way they met Maude . Valie introduced her to everyone else , ignoring Bart . Bart kicked his sister in the shin saying " Sis , aren 't you going to introduce me ? " Valie responded " No , this is the girl you didn 't want to meet . " Then she said , " Maude , this is my brother Bart . " Maude talked for a few minutes , congratulations were expressed to Loren and Sarah Craig , then Bart and Maude linked arms and walked off together . They were together from that moment on throughout the rest of their lives . It was not many days after this that John Garrett purchased a ruby engagement ring and presented it to Valie . When they announced their plans to be married soon , Bart and Maude thought it such a good ideas , that the two couples began to make plans for a double wedding . The wedding date was set for July 31 , 1930 , however , just a few days before the wedding Maude 's step - father died , and her family convinced her she should wait until a later date . John and Valie went ahead and were married as planned at the home of Scott and Addie Huffman on the Redlands . They moved into a little house on Main Street and began housekeeping . John was working on the Redlands where he did irrigation work . The following Sunday afternoon , August 8 , 1920 , Bartley and Maude were married at the home of Maude 's mother . In a few days they moved to a small house in West Camp of the Redlands , where Bart became an overseer of this irrigation camp . About this same time , Claude and Bill Tubbs came back to Grand Junction from the job at Gateway , where they had been building houses . Just a month later the family had another wedding when William Tubbs married Lizze Shepherd on September 8 , 1920 . They were married at the elders place on Rude Avenue . John and Valie stood up with them . In December of 1934 , George and Edna Hanna were coming to Salt Lake City , Utah to go through the temple and Lizzie decided to join them . They left Grand Junction , but somewhere out in the desert the old car broke down . They had to wait quite awhile in the cold before Bart was able to come from Helper and get them . Lizzie got chilled and became sick . It was not long after Christmas that her cold turned to pneumonia . She was weak and tired , and her hip injury pained her a great deal . Elizabeth " Lizzie " Talmer Robert Shepherd Tubbs died on January 5 , 1935 at the home of her son Bart in Helper , Utah . She was buried at Price , Utah on January 10 , 1935 . Who are your ancestors ? Whose DNA did you inherit ? Have you done any researching or digging into your family 's history ? Have you unearthed any interesting stories ? Since February I have been sharing the story of my maternal second great grand aunt Elizabeth Talmer Roberts Shepherd . She was the sister of my maternal great great grandfather Abel Roberts . I chose Elizabeth " Lizzie " , because in delving into family geneology I had come across a comprehensive written story of her life . I was impressed by this young woman 's courage and strength . If you want to start at the beginning click here . If you have been following her journey scroll down for the next installment of Lizzie and her family 's journey . It was in about December of 1909 that Valie , one of Lizzie 's daughters , began to feel ill . Her first symptoms were rheumatic pains in her joints which ached , so that she slept many nights with her feet propped up on the oven door for warmth , as she sat in a larger rocker . Early in April while on an errand for her mother Lizzie , she was caught in the rain and became thoroughly chilled . She spent several days in bed but finally was allowed to go back to school . On the last day of school there was a picnic and they were caught in a heavy rain . She became soaked and for the next few days was very ill . She had improved some when it was time for her mother to go into the mountains to cook for her brother and another man who were building homestead houses . Lizzie took Valie along thinking that the mountain air would do her some good . After a sold week of an earache while in the mountains Valie was returned home to the care of her sister Adaline , who was sixteen . Valie was fourteen at the time . Lizzie then went back to the mountains to cook for the men . The third day Valie was home she began to feel worse and when her sister brought her lunch , Valie began to hemorrhage from the nose and mouth . Adaline was frightened and sent for the doctor and send Douglas Spencer to the mountains for Lizzie . It was almost dark when he started out and had about fifteen miles to ride on horseback over unfamiliar trails . Adding to his troubles , a blizzard came up and he became lost . Lizzie had already gone to bed in the camp when she heard someone calling out . Claude , nor anyone else could hear the calls , but nevertheless Lizzie had the men get up and light a lantern . They went outside and called out into the darkness . A nearly frozen Douglas Spencer heard the shouts and located the camp . As soon as it was light enough for them to see they started back to Laurel . The doctor had been to see Valie who was still having violent hemorrhages . When Lizzie arrived he told her that he did not know what the problem was but thought that Valie should be taken to Billings , Montana to a hospital . Lizzie asked him if he thought an operation would be necessary to save her life . He told her he didn 't know since he could not diagnose the problem , but that it might be the means of saving some other life . Valie had lost so much blood that the doctor admitted he had little hope she could withstand the trip to the hospital . Lizzie told the doctor that if it was the Lord 's will that she die , that she wanted her to die at home . Early the following morning Valie had another hemorrhage , this being the eighth one . The doctor returned but said he had done all he could . He told Lizzie that she was dying and pulled the sheet up over Valie 's face as he left . Lizzie stood in the kitchen praying for her daughter , when a knock came on the door . There on the porch were two Mormon missionaries . They came in and talked to Lizzie and held a prayer circle in the kitchen . They then entered Valie 's bedroom . Valie who had been only semi - conscious for three days and unconscious all that day responded when one of the elders took her hand and asked if she would like to be administered to . She was able to respond that she would . In the blessing she was given it was promised that she would recover and become a mother in Zion . Valie ended up recovering from her unexplained illness . The same missionaries who had visited her on her " death bed " returned one day and marveled at Valie 's recovery . They shared their story of how they had come into town the night before and had planned out their route for the next day . They had planned to go to the opposite end of town , but the next morning one of them had a strong feeling that they should go the other way . They had only gone a short distance when a neighbor told them that there was a Mormon family nearby and how the daughter Valie was very sick . They were the only Latter Day Saints family living there at the time . The doctor who had told several people that Valie would not live through the day later stated that he believed a higher power must have restored her health . Valie had no further symptoms of that mysterious illness . In later years after a few years of marriage and after several doctors told her she would never have a child , she went on to eventually raise a large family . Edna and George Hanna lived for a while at Red Lodge , Montana , during this time . Addie came up from Laurel and visited with her sister . It was here she became acquainted with Scott Huffman . Later Scott came down to Laurel to visit her . It took them awhile to realize how much they cared for each other , but when they did , they became a very devoted couple . When Valie began to feel better in the fall , the Shepherd family moved to Red Lodge . They were there when Scott and Addie 's first child , a daughter named Thelma Huffman was born on October 11 , 1910 . The following year her sister Edna and husband George Hannah had a son named Milburn Minor Hannah on July 21 , 1911 . Brother Claude and his wife Francetta Kelsey were also living at Basin City and their first child , a daughter named Grace Esther Shepherd was born on August 25 , 1911 . Francetta was a very young wife and mother , only fifteen years old . Her parents Benjamin Franklin and Bolettie Vance Kelsey encouraged her to remain with them that year while Claude worked at Thermopolis on a sewer line and later at Crosby , Wyoming in the coal mines . It was at Thermopolis that Valie met Jim Peacock . Claude invited him to join the family for Thanksgiving dinner . Jim had been born in England and enjoyed hearing the soft English spoken words of Claude 's family . Jim also found himself attracted to Valie and the whole Shepherd family . He spent the next ten years near and around the family , even as they moved about . While Lizzie was at Thermopolis in 1912 she decided to sell the ranch in Burlington . She sold the 160 acres homestead that the family had worked so hard to pay off for $ 4 , 000 . 00 . Earnest Wiggett , Lizzie 's oldest son , had taken his family to Olathe , Colorado and was farming there . After the ranch sold , Carl and his family also went to Olathe , as did Burton and Florence Prettyman . A man named Bill Tubbs who was an artist , architect , carpenter and wood craftsman also entered the picture about this time . He had many talents , but didn 't always put them to use and too often sought solace in the bottle . There was much good in Bill though and Lizzie could see this in him . She chose to accept him as he was . There was sometimes resentment in the family when it seemed Lizzie put Bill before her own children . Yet they also recognized that he treated all her children with respect . He taught Claude the carpenter trade , and Bart and Gilford also learned craftsmanship from him as they grew into manhood . Lizzie was past fifty years old when Bill came into her life , and they stayed together until her death . In the spring of 1912 the Shepherd family went north to Lewistown , Montana . Lizzie rented a café on Main Street called the Lewiston Dining Parlor . Lizzie did all the cooking , while Laura Clark and Helen Bolden helped Valie wait on the tables . They ofte had fifty men to serve for meals . Claude was working with his tems for a steam shovel outfit . Bill Tubbs was building some homestead houses . Scott and Addie Huffman were living in Red Lodge , Montana . Scott was doing bookkeeping at the coal mine at Washoe . Their second child , a son named Everett Roland Huffman , was born on August 23 , 1912 . In the spring of 1913 the family went up to Denton , Montana . This was a new town about sixty mile northwest of Lewistown . The railroad was just being built into the town and plan were being made to build two large grain elevators . Lizzie felt there would be a lot of work there so she bought a piece of land that had a small old building on it and began to feed boarders . Claude took a job hauling freight from Stanford where the railroad ended at that point in time . It was a muddy wet spring . The heavy mud on the unimproved roads rolled up around the wagon wheels and made it hard to travel very fast . Claude hauled lumber from Stanford to build the Denton Hotel . Bill Tubbs drew up plans which included a gas lighting system , which he planned , built and kept operating . He and Claude did most of the work . They moved into the hotel just before Thanksgiving , and it became the family 's source of income for the next five years . They had a pump house behind the hotel with a nice well . They had six bedrooms upstairs to rent . There was one bedroom downstairs . The old majestic range stood in the kitchen . Bill built a long convenient counter in the kitchen to serve from and made shelves above it for the dishes . He build a sturdy table on the other side of the room where the pump was located . They were always heating water for some purpose . There was a large reservoir on the old stove . Each room upstairs had a pitcher for water and a basin for washing in , but the wash tub had to be used for a weekly bath . The toilet facility was located on the back of the property , but each bedroom had its own covered convenience tucked under the bed . While they ran the hotel Lizzie enjoyed the luxury of having someone else do the washing . She sent the sheets out weekly to be done . Lizzie was too busy feeing about a hundred men three meals a day . They served the food family style at five big table . Lizzie cooked big meals of meat , potatoes and gravy , and some kind of vegetable . She always made pie for lunch . In the early afternoon , Valie would bake two great big sheet cakes for supper , one white and one chocolate . Valie and Katie took turns waiting on tables . In 1914 Claude brought his family up to Denton and his wife Francetta also helped with serving . Valie and Francetta became close friends and little Grace , at about 18 months was the darling of the family . Young Gilford , as a small boy , built a play house and a garage under the back stairway and put a neat fence all around it . These were good settled years for the family . Lizzie bought two other pieces of property here . Bill Tubbs built a five room house on one of these lots which they rented out for income and later sold to the blacksmith . He built a smaller two room house on the other lot where the family lived later for a short time . Edna came down and stayed with the family during the summer and George came down in the fall and worked on the construction of the bank building . Scott and Addie Huffman 's son Wilfred Scott Huffman added to the family when he was born on October 14 , 1914 . Elizabeth " Lizzie " Talmer Roberts is the sister of my maternal great great grandfather . In the process of doing genealogical research I came across a story written down about her . Her story begins in when Lizzie was born on June 10 , 1861 in Headless Cross , Worchestershire , England . I have been sharing her story here in Mojo Mondays and if you want to start at the beginning you can do so by clicking here . . . . Meanwhile back at the ranch in Burlington , both of the young wives had recently given birth to baby daughters . The children born at the time were daughter of Carl and Annie , Bertha Adaline Shepherd , born on October 30 , 1906 and daughter of Earnest and Mary , Mary Ella Wiggett , born on October 31 , 1906 . Earnest and Carl brought their father by wagon from Burlington up to Belfry . That night the weather changed , a strong wind came first ahead of the storm . Claude and Edna spent most of the night trying to hold the ridge - pole steady to keep the tent from blowing away . The next day they went by wagons in a snowstorm to Bridger , Montana , about ten or twelve miles north . Here Laffe was laid to rest . His grave was marked with a large rock slab with the letter " S " painted on it . In 1973 his sister Valie would make a trip to Wyoming and Montana and she was able to locate a very efficient caretaker at the Bridger , Montana cemetery . He searched his records and located the grave site . The storm continued very strong . Lizzie took the girls , Bart and Gilford , and traveled back to Belfry on the train . Later the boys brought Rollins Don Carlos and the teams and wagons back to Belfry . When Earnest and Carl were ready to travel back to Burlington they left their father with his family . The family lived that winter in a tent on the bare ground . It was remarkable that those in the family made it through the winter . That winter and the next spring was a very hard time for the family . In the summer , Claude and Burton Prettyman were able to get gobs on the railroad near Billings , Montana . When the Ringling Brothers Circus came to town , the kids saw the first circus they had ever seen . When the job was finished in the fall , the Shepherd family went back to Chance , Montana and the Prettyman family , to Red Lodge . In a short time , Burton Prettyman and three of the young boys had thyphoid . They were very ill and were taken to the hospital . The family recalled how during that summer Forrest Prettyman , who was just past five years old , had said to his grandmother Lizzie on several occasion , " When I die , will you bury me by my uncle Laffe ? " Forrest died on September 18 , 1907 . Lizzie and her family came for the funeral and stayed with Florence until Burton and the other boys were better . Later that fall the Shepherd and Prettyman families went down to Worland , Wyoming to work on the big Hanover Canal . The children did not go to school that winter . Joe and Earnest with Valie and Addie , would take the big cross - cut saw and with a couple of kids on each end , they would cut wood for both families . One day the four of them were playing down by the river and taking turns being pulled on a sled on the ice along the bend of the Big Horn River . The rope slipped out of Joe 's hand as Earnest and Addie , on the sled , headed for the swift open channel . Joe quickly slid out on his stomach to grab the end of the rope . His quick action saved them from plunging into the freezing icy river . When the family moved to Laurel , Montana in the spring of 1908 , Lizzie rented a house which the family called " The Coffee House . " The railroad was building a big ice house there and Lizzie took one room where she served family style meals to a few boarders . These were very hard times and work was hard to find , but there were quite a few men employed in building the big ice house . One of these was a young man named Douglas Spencer , who became very fond of Addie . When the ice house was about half built , it collapsed . One man was killed . Douglas Spencer dove into a ditch under the flowing , which saved his life , but his foot was caught and badly broken . Another of the men who worked on this job and came to board with the Shepherd family was William Tubbs . William Tubbs had been born August 29 , 1878 in Omaha , Nebraska . According to family stories , he had married there and was the father of two small children , a boy and a girl . The story goes that he came home one evening to find another man loading his household furniture and his family into a wagon . When he asked what was going on the man bluntly told him that he was in love with the wife and that they were leaving together . A fight followed and the story continues in that the other man was knocked backwards over the wagon tongue and died of a broken neck . Ill Tubbs left Omaha that night . Were he went on his westward journey , nor how long it was before he came to Laurel , Montana . Later that year the family moved to a smaller house and Lizzie still continued to cook for a few men . Claude worked at the livery stable and there he met a man by the name of George Hanna . After George met Edna he became a frequent visitor of the family . Early in 1909 George and Edna went to Billings , Montana to be married . They moved into a small place of their own not far from where the family lived . It was here that they had their first child Mildred Fay Hannah on September 24 , 1901 . Sometime in 1908 Earnest and Mary Wiggett left the ranch and went to Olathe , Colorado . Their daughter Millie Wiggett was born on January 1 , 1909 , but sadly she died the next year on December 22 , 1910 . Carl and Annie were still living on the homestead . Two daughters were born to them during this time , Lizzie Lora Shepherd on October 13 , 1908 and Clara Shepherd on August 20 , 1910 . Many people were out of work and the winter of 1909 and 1910 found many people facing very hard times . Claude and George worked at the liverly stable . Addie worked for a lady who ran the section house . Addie helped with the cooking and in the kitchen . Valie suffered from pains in her legs and her joints all that winter . Earlier in the year their father used to take a couple of coal buckets and would follow along the railroad tracks to pick up coal . There was a curve in the railroad tracks a short distance from the house . Sometimes coal would fall off the train as it rounded this curve . Often the firemen would toss a few shovelfuls of coal off the train for people to pick up . One day in the summer father had gone for coal , but had become tired and sat down on the track where he proceeded to fall asleep . Addie notices that her father was gone just about the time she heard the train whistle . She ran out and pulled him off the track . She then gave him a lecture and asked him to stop going after coal . This was about the only time he ever left the house . He seemed more and more tired as winter and cold weather arrived . Often the family was without good food that winter . As Christmas approached they were very bad off and had very little to eat . When their father got up on Christmas morning he went to Lizzie in the kitchen and told her he was going to die . He went over to a couch - like bed which they kept in the kitchen . He laid down , went to sleep and then died in his sleep . Rollins Don Carlos Shepherd died at age 79 on December 25 , 1909 . A heavy winter snow storm came up the day of his funeral , just as it had when Laffe was buried . Valie remembered the teams that pulled the hearse , and how several of the men stood on the side of the hearse to add their weight to keep it from tipping over in the heavy snow . The family remained in very destitute conditions that winter . One of their boarders , a man by the name of Ezra King brought the family a twenty - five pound sack of flour , which was all the food they had in the house at that time . Malnutrition may have contributed largely to compounding the problems which beset Valie at this time , for it was in the sprint of 1910 that she suffered an illness which almost took her life . Elizabeth " Lizzie " Talmer Roberts is the sister of my maternal great great grandfather . In the process of doing genealogical research I came across a story written down about her . Her story begins in when Lizzie was born on June 10 , 1861 in Headless Cross , Worchestershire , England . I have been sharing her story here in Mojo Mondays and if you want to start at the beginning you can do so by clicking here . It was a time of change for Lizzie too , and while these things affected her , it was in a different way . She was just past forty - three years old and still a strong and vigorous woman . She had fought with William Packard over the irrigation water . Packer insisted that Carlos had given the water right to him , and Lizzie insisted that he was not going to have it . She had used the water to irrigate five acres of wheat and had seen it come to a good harvest under her care . She would stand up for herself , so in the Spring of 1904 , when the crop was coming along , she rented out the ranch land as pasture . Then she took the livestock and her six children and moved from the ranch into a house on the Prettyman place down by the river . She stayed here for a few months . Her husband was left in the care of Earnest Wiggett and his wife Mary . They moved back to the ranch and their first son Leslie Wiggett was born there on September 3 , 1904 . Early in the Spring of 1904 Lizzie decided to leave Burlington . She had a covered wagon to carry a few belongings . She took a horse for Claude to ride and a pony , which Edna rode . They helped to drive the cattle and milk cows , which they also took . Lizzie 's son Carl was also very restless and perhaps hoped for a better start somewhere else or perhaps he felt his mother needed his help during this time . Lizzie , Carl , and Annie with her three young children , left Burlington together . They traveled across Wyoming that summer finding work where they could . Somewhere along Lander , Wyoming the children found lots of wild berries growing along the creeks and river . They picked large quantities of the berries to use fresh and Lizzie and Annie made jelly as well . They moved on southward to Atlantic City , which was a very rough frontier town . They lived in a tent and the wagon that summer . Lizzie sold milk and butter . She baked bread to sell and took in washing from the miners there . Carl and Laffe took a job with their teams cutting and hauling cord wood and railroad ties . The man who leased them the land for cutting did not own the land and they were ordered to get off or be shot . The boys had the wagon loaded but were afraid to drive it out because of the threats . Edna at age twelve was not about to let that load be left there . She climbed up and drove the wagon down to the mill without incident . Once again that summer , Edna kept the family from having trouble . Lizzie had been carefully saving the money she made so she could pay the mortgage on the ranch . She has nearly a thousand dollars and was keeping the money in a large trunk . One evening two very rough men came to buy break and she went to the trunk for change . When they got outside the tent , one man said to the other , " That old lady has plenty of money in that trunk . We will come back after dark and get it . " Edna happened to be standing where she heard them . As soon as they were out of sight she told her mother . Lizzie put the money into two small sacks and pinned them to the inside of Addie and Valie 's clothing . She told the girls if she was caught that they were just to keep on walking . The family went to the home of the Marshall for the night . When they returned to the tent in the morning , the trunk had been kicked open , the contents scattered about and the place torn up , but the money was safe . Lizzie took it to the bank that day and sent it off to Burlington to apply on the mortgage of the ranch . Another story to add here is how Bart , who was not yet five years old , liked to dig through the trash near their tent , which happened to be near a saloon . One day he picked up a round object , but his sister Valie told him it was just an old poker chip and to throw it away . Bart was convinced it was as good as money and sure enough earned one dollar for it . He gave it to his mom to go with the other mortgage money and he liked to tell everyone how he found the last dollar to pay on the ranch mortgage . The family stayed in Atlantic City until the fall of 1904 . Carl and Annie 's first child , a daughter names Electra Shepherd was born there on September 20 , 1904 . Carl gave her the name of his beloved little sister who had died as a child . In the later Fall of that year , Carl and Annie went back to Burlington to the ranch . Earnest helped Carl build a two room house on the upper forty acres . The two young men , with their growing families , lives and worked together on the ranch for about five years . Lizzie moved to Thermopolis , Wyoming that Fall . All the children went to school there that winter . Lizzie 's last child William Gilford Shepherd was born there on December 18 , 1904 . In the spring of 1905 , Bart was ill with large abscesses on his legs . There were no miracle drugs in those days and infections were common . Lizzie could not cure them with home remedies , so she took him to one doctor who wanted to lance them . She was not satisfied with his quick diagnosis and took him to another doctor . He told Lizzie if they were lanced , the boy would never walk again . Lizzie took him home and made homemade poultices of soap and sugar to gather the infection . Finally they broke and drained . Bart was in bed most of that spring . When the family left Thermopolis in the spring , they made a bed in the back of the wagon for Bart . Valie had just completed a most satisfactory full year of school and enjoyed being Bart 's teacher . She taught him to write all the letters and when they ran out of paper they wrote on the side of a wooden box . They had some little " Buster Brown books " they had received when they bought shoes . The read and reread these stories , and also anything that had printed letters written on it . Valie was evidently a successful teacher for when Bart started school he was put right into the third grade where he could read with the best of the class . The family returned to Burlington for a short time that summer , then Claude and Carl took a contract to bale hay on the Y . U . sheep ranch some distance west of Burlington , at a place called Pitchfork . The boys used a baler that was driven by horsed . They hooked the team to the baler , and then the team went around in a circle . The hay was put into the baler which pressed it into the shaped of a bale . A wooden block was dropped into the baler to regulate the length of each bale . Edna and Addie had the job of dropping the blocks between the bales . The bales were then tied with baling wire . They worked long hard hours , and one night Addie , who was very tired , dreamt that they were still working . She shouted out in her sleep , " Block Carl , block ! This bale is a mile long now . " They baled a good many tons of hay that season . They piled the bales into long stacks . There were six or eight long stacks of these bales . Lizzie spent several weeks of misery that summer with a big abscess under her arm . She could hardly mix bread or take care of the cooking for the hungry workers . Later that summer the family went to Bear Creek where Lizzie established a little store in part of their home . In the summer of 1906 her son Claude went to Chance , Montana to work on a ranch . It was here that he first met Scott Huffman . Scott was recuperating from lung problems following pneumonia . His family had sent him to the farm of his uncle Onie Hall , to do light work and breath clean air . Claude and Scott became friends . Early in September Laffe took some time off to go on a fishing trip . He went with a fellow named Ross Nixon . ( Ross Nixon was married to Rose Clark , who had a sister named Laura Clark . His brother Claude would marry Laura many years later . ) Laffe and Ross took the spring wagon and were gone several days . When Laffe returned home he was very sick . He asked Valie and Addie to unhitch the team and take care of them as he was too sick to stand up . He went right to bed and was very ill for many days . He had caught typhoid fever . After a while , he began to feel better . Lizzie decided that the water at Bear Creek was adding to Laffe 's problem , so they packed up and moved down to Belfry , Montana . Laffe did feel better for a while and would sit outside in the sun , but his strength did not return and he continued to feel ill , which gave cause for concern to his mother Lizzie and family . Claude took a job hauling lumber that Fall . In handling the lumber , he got a big half - inch sliver in his thumb that appeared to go nearly to the bone . He tried to ignore it . One night he rode about six miles to visit his girl and when he got home he was in so much pain that he fell off the horse . A doctor came and lanced and drained the wound . Claude nearly had a case of blood poisoning as a result of that incident . The weather stayed open and quite warm until late into the fall . Laffe would feel better for a while , then would take very ill again . One day he was sitting up and a neighbor brought over a plate of food . It looked and smelled good to him and he ate it all , seeming to enjoy it very much . In a short while he began to cough . His cough became worse and he began to hemorrhage . Soon he became violently ill and he died that evening . ( Marcus De Lafayette Shepherd died at age 20 on November 14 , 1906 . ) Belfry , Montana was a very tine place with neither stores , nor a cemetery . Lizzie had to send Claude and Edna to Red Lodge , a trip or ten or twelve miles up over the mountains , to get a casket . When they got to Red Lodge , the store keeper sold them a coffin and clothing for Laffe to be laid away in . He also included a black veil for Lizzie to wear as was the custom of the day . When they got ready to start back , the stubborn old horse Kate balked as she often did . Claude was just about at the end of his patience . He picked up a 2 x 4 and gave her a beating . This caused the horse to kick wildly and Edna held the reins praying Claude would not be kicked in the head by the flying hooves . Finally the got the mare under control and made the trip back home safely . Lizzie notified the family at Burlington , and they began to prepare Laffe for burial . Now at a time when things are going along quite well for the new community and life has become a bit easier for most of them , it is sad to report that things were not going that well for the Shepherd family . As Lizzie 's husband Rollins Don Carlos Shepherd advanced into his seventies he became more and more irritable and unpredictable in his behavior . One evening Florence and Burton Prettyman stopped by the Shepherd Ranch and were caught there in a heavy rainstorm . They moved a straw tick from their wagon and prepared to stay over night . Sometime during the night , father got up and was going to set the house afire . When Burton took hold of him and spoke to him he did not even remember that Burton had been there earlier . Burton put him back to bed and talked quietly to him for awhile . Often after this , the children would carry their straw ticks out and sleep in the haystack during the summer weather . About this time Carl had a very bad attack of boils . He had three or four large boils on the back of his neck . They were very sore and made him hurt all over . He had stopped work and come into the kitchen and sat down in a chair feeling very ill . In the meantime the calves got out of their pen and in with the cows and were nursing all the days supply of milk . When father saw this he became enraged and rushed into the house to get Carl . He was carrying his irrigation shovel . Carl saw him raise the shovel , mother yelled , and he jumped out of the chair just as his father brought the shovel down with such force that he split the chair in half . Another day Rollins Don Carlos came into the house from the fields and went to the water bucket for a drink , but the bucket was empty . Lizzie was sitting at the sewing machine and did not get up . He took the bucket and went to the irrigation ditch for water . When he came back he sat the bucket down and took a drink . Then he took the heavy water dipper and began to beat Lizzie over the head with it . Her cries brought Carl on the run from the barn with the pitchfork . He told his father to quit or he would use the fork on him . Rollins Don Carlos knew that Carl meant it . Carl and his father got along well for the most part . It was Carl who stayed and cared for him longer than anyone . With two of the older boys away and only Carl to help him with the ranch work , Rollins Don Carlos became very discouraged in the fall of 1903 . He arranged to mortgage the ranch for a thousand dollars and decided to make a trip back to Beaver , Utah where his brother was living . Before he left he went to a lawyer in Burlington and had a legal paper drawn up conveying all the personal property , farm equipment and livestock to Lizzie . Their daughter Valie also believed that he had a formal bill of divorcement drawn up at this time . Lizzie sewed the money into his underclothing and the boys took him by wagon to Basin , where he took the train to begin his journey to Beaver . Rollins Don Carlos was happy to see his brother again and remained with him for several months . He was still in Beaver when his brother Marcus Lafayette Shepherd had a heart attack and fell from a load of logs on February 5 , 1904 at the age of nearly 80 years . From a book on Beaver history , J . F . Tolton said of him " Marcus L . Shepherd : Philanthropist , Church Man - One who loved God adn served his fellowman . " When their father returned to the ranch in the early spring of 1904 , he brought a velvet bonnet for each of the little girls and a China doll . Edna got a brown bonnet , Addie a red one and Valie a blue one . Not long after though Edna 's had her taken by some older boys to tease her and they dropped it into the outdoor toilet . The China dolls that Edna and Addie had , each had back hair that was painted on . Soon Claude ran one of these through the cog wheel on the wringer of the washtubs . Claude was always full of mischief . he loved to get the key to the big eight day clock that hung on the wall . he would change the alarm and set it to go off in the middle of the night . Mother tried to keep the key hidden and often scolded him for his pranks , but he did not change . The doll that Valie had was a smaller doll with real blonde hair . She cherished this doll until she was past twenty year sold . Then one day while she was cleaning out her trunk and had laid it on the bed , Claude came into the room and up to his usual mischief picked up a marble and flicked it at the doll . The marble struck the doll 's head , causing it to break all to pieces . Valie felt very bad about it for she had kept it for so many years and it was the only keepsake she had from her father . Sometime early in the year of 1904 Carl Shepherd , age 19 , married Marry Anna Montana Abercrombria ( Caldwell ) who was born December 18 , 1876 . She was 28 years old . Annie had come to the area with her parents , but she was living in a small house on the place just below the Shepherd placed . Annie had been married to James Caldwell and had four children . They were Melissa Caldwell ( who had died prior to their marriage ) , Brazilla Caldwell , who was about 8 year sold , James Caldwell , who was about 6 . 5 years old and Ira Caldwell , who was still a baby . Carl left the ranch and moved to a small house with Anie and her family sometime in the early part of 1904 . Rollins Don Carlos Shepherd was now past 74 years old and he was tired in body and spirt . He had been saddened by the passing of his brother and could feel that his own years were limited . He did not have a great deal to show for all his years of hard labor . He had mortgaged the ranch and signed away the livestock and all the farm equipment to his wife . The two boys , Earnest and Carl , who had worked so hard with him on the ranch for ten years had left to establish homes for themselves . One humorous story concerning the three little girls happened about this time . In their Sunday school attendance they had been hearing much about the power of prayer . The greatest hope of these three little girls was to have a fully equipped playhouse of their very own . They knew that their folds did not have any way to provide them with such a luxury , so they decided to make it a matter of prayer . They swept and cleaned a place under a large tree for the playhouse to be placed . Then they set about to pray . They prayed and watched , and often got up real early to see if their prayers had been answered during the night . They even imagined that each cloud might have a playhouse hidden away inside it . One afternoon the folks went to town for groceries and the girls were left with an older brother . They wanted until earnest had gone about his work , ( or so they thought ) , then they knelt down around the big wood box in the kitchen and prayed for the playhouse . They each took a turn praying in a most fervent manner . When it was Addie 's turn to pray , she brought her fist down on the wood box and said , " And I pray that our playhouse will come down , plunkety , plink , flunkety , plunk . " Outside , Earnest and his friend , who had been listening to them , were doubled over with laughter . And of course the story got passed around the family . Soon the girls decided that a playhouse was not the thing to pray for . But in later years , they enjoyed telling and retelling this story on themselves . But Edna did have one of her childhood prayers answered in a very dramatic way , and it always strengthened her to remember it . One day the family was getting ready to go to town . The children were not often taken along , but this day they were told they could go . So everyone hurried around to get ready , but they could not find the baby 's shoe . After looking everywhere else with no success , Edna decided that it must be in the bed covering so she carefully shook them out but to no avail . Not knowing where else to look , she crawled in under the quilts and began to pray that she might be able to find the shoe there . In a few minutes she crawled out to look on the top of the covered , but there was no shoe . Then she dived right back down under the covers again , and began to pray that much harder . They next time she came out to look , there was the shoe , as she had prayed that it would be , on the top of the quilts . Edna had a firm testimony that prayers could be answered . One summer day about this time the girls were amusing themselves at a game . Lacking toys for fun , they had turned a wash tub upside down in the yard . They would take turns crawling under it while the other two beat a good drum rhythm on the top of the tub . The noise soon became very annoying to their father and he shouted for them to stop the banging , but they were having such sun , they paid little attention . Valie was under the tub and Edna and Addie were beating good strong strokes , when their enraged father came around the corner carrying his pitchfork . The girls were fearful of their father 's temper . Valie stayed right where she was under the tub , Edna ran as fast as she could and hid between the house and the cellar . Addie took another route and sneaked through a hollow log and into the house where she stayed under the bed until her mother got back home . Another day soon after this , Addie and Valie decided that they would run away from home . They had crossed their own fields and gone through the fence down on Corn 's place and were hiding in the sagebrush . When they saw their mother running towards them with Bart under her arm , Valie said , " Oh , we better run . If she catches us she will give us a good whipping . " But Addie felt differently , " No , " she said " We had better go back , something is wrong . " And something was wrong . Lizzie had been scrubbing the floor with lye water . She had set the can and measuring spoon on the table and Bart who was just beginning to crawl had gotten into it . Lizzie quickly washed out his mouth again and again . Although the lye had burned his lips and the inside of his mouth quite badly , he was not seriously harmed . Valie can remember going to visit her sister 's family one summer day . Florence had taken a large empty wooden box and spread a quilt onto it for a playpen for baby Burton . As Valie bent over to say hello to the baby , she saw there was a large snake in the box with him . They quickly scooped the baby out and were relieved that it was only an old blow snake . Crops continued to be good on the ranch . After the spring planting was done , Earnest and the other boys would take jobs hauling freight to bring in extra money . They hauled the first telegraph wires , cross arms and insulators from Cody down to Thermopolis , Wyoming . Claude went along with earnest on this job . In the Spring of 1903 , Earnest hauled freight quite frequently to Thermopolis and began to save most of the money he was making . For Earnest had decided to get married and he needed the money for a wedding stake . One June 8 , 1903 Earnest Wiggett married Mary Golda Kinnamin , daughter of James Aaron Kinnamin and Eliza York . Earnest was twenty - two that year and Mary had just turned fifteen , having been born June 3 , 1888 . They rented a small place further north of Burlington and went there to live . Valie can remember a small tin trunk that Mary kept clothes folded in . They had no closet , but Mary always kept her house very neat and clean . One of the highlights of the year for all the populations of the Burlington Ward was the 24th of July Celebration . ( Pioneer Day is an official holiday celebrated on July 24 in the state of Utah , with some celebrations in regions of surrounding states originally settled by Mormon pioneers . ) The youngsters looked forward to this for weeks . It was a full day of fun . There were horse races , foot races and for the boy , sack races and three legged races . They had a ball game going all day and other games for everyone to enjoy . A long table was set up under the shade of the bowery and the lunches the ladies had brought were put all together on this big table at noon . There was fried chicken , potato salad , corn on the cob , slices of tomato , and the ward furnished a large barrel of lemonade , which was a treat for the young children . There there were all kinds of cakes and pie for dessert . It was a great day of good food and good fun for all . Later in the afternoon when everyone was resting from the games , Claude and Eugene Praetor began to fist fight . As Eugene was to remember years later , " Not because we were mad , we were the best of friends , but just to entertain the group . " Valie remembers that one of the ladies looked up at the boys and said , " Who is fighting ? " Mrs . Praetor replied , " Oh , it 's my Gene and that Shepherd kid . " |
Since February I have been sharing the story of my maternal second great grand aunt Elizabeth Talmer Roberts Shepherd . She was the sister of my maternal great great grandfather Abel Roberts . I chose Elizabeth " Lizzie " , because in delving into family geneology I had come across a comprehensive written story of her life . I was impressed by this young woman 's courage and strength . If you want to start at the beginning click here . If you have been following her journey scroll down for the next and final installment of Lizzie and her family 's journey . Valie took Grace with her and went up on the train to be with Addie for a couple of weeks . Thelma and Grace had a lovely time together in the fall of 1914 when things became quiet for the winter . Lizzie rented out the hotel and took an extended trip . They went first up to Burley , Idaho where Claude and also Edna were living . They then took the train down to Salt Lake City and to southern Utah to visit Lizzie 's brother Will and Ben Roberts . Following that they traveled to Olathe , Colorado to get acquainted with some new family members that had been born there ; James Earnest Louise Wiggett ( DOB 11 / 28 / 1912 ) , Rollins Don Carlos Shepherd III ( DOB 02 / 07 / 1913 ) and Agnes Prettyman ( DOB 03 / 01 / 1913 ) . The family stayed with Carl until about the end of January and then returned to Burley on the train . When they returned they found George and Edna Hanna had a new son , Calvin Grant Hanna ( DOB 01 / 12 / 1915 ) . Carl and Annie Shepherd also had a son born that spring , Lyman Shepherd ( DOB 03 / 28 / 1915 ) . Annie was not able to leave her bed after the birth of this child . The doctor diagnosed her problem as enlargement of the liver , but Valie believed she have had cancer . Annie ( Mary Anna Abercrombia Shepherd ) suffered a great deal and died about three weeks later on April 18 , 1915 in a hospital in Montrose . She was buried on April 21st at Olathe , Colorado . Lizzie and Valie took the train and returned in order to help Carl with the young family . It became apparent he could not work and care for seven children . Annie 's son , Ira Caldwell , was sent off by train to his sister Brazilla in Green River , Wyoming . Electra and 11 and Bertha 9 , and they stayed with their father on the ranch at Olathe . Lizzie took the four smaller children back to Denton , Montana . Lora was about 7 , Clara about 5 , Carlos just past two and Lyman was a new baby only a little over a month old . Claude and Francetta remained at Burley , Idaho that year and had their first son , Claude Albert Shepherd , born there on August 6 , 1915 . Over in Colorado , Earnest Wiggett and Carl Shepherd lived on East Mesa at Olathe . Mary Wiggett has a younger sister named Hattie May Kinnaman , who lived with their mother Ellazia York Kinnaman Marley in Delta . Hattie often came to Olathe to visit Mary . Carl took a job on Ash Mesa and boarded with the Markley 's while he worked on the canal . During this time he fell in love with Hattie . They were married at Mrs . Markley 's home in Delta , Colorado on January 16 , 1916 . Meanwhile back in Denton , Montana , little baby Lyman Shepherd was ill all that spring . Although he was past a year old he could not stand on his feet and was ill until he died at age 14 months on May 1916 . Lizzie asked the elders to have President Melvin J . Ballard come and conduct the funeral . He came and preached a very powerful sermon to the large crowd of towns people who came out of curiosity . Sometime later in the summer , Lizzie took the other three children back to Colorado . One cannot begin to understand the feelings of these young children who had lost their own mother , then just as they were getting settled into a life with their grandmother , were then taken back to begin life as members of a new family . Sometime in 1916 , Claude Shepherd decided to go to the Uintah Basin of Utah . According to history regarding Joseph Prettyman an Uncle Tom Roberts was running the post office at Cedar View , Utah . The Prettyman family arrived in Roosevelt about this same time and took jobs fencing land for the government Indian reservation in this area . About this same time Jim Peacock inherited $ 4 , 000 . 00 following the death of his father in England . He took this money and invested it with Claude on a piece of land near Red Cap , Utah . Claude build a small frame house for his family and Jim had a tent nearby . The following year another son , Robert Bartley Shepherd , was born to Claude and Francetta , on January 11 , 1917 . Early in the spring of 1918 , Lizzie rented a farm near Roosevelt , Utah . Both the Hanna family and the Huffman family , came up to the area . Two little cousins , Thelma and Grace , enjoyed walking to school together . Sometime early in April , as the girls came home from school , they waded in rain puddles and got very wet . Grace developed a case of croup and became very ill . The croup took her life in a few days and Grace Esther Shepherd died at the age of 6 on April 14 , 1918 . Bill Tubbs made the casket for her to be laid to rest in . The loss of this dear little girl was very hard for the family to accept . Late in that same summer , George and Edna Hanna had another son , Harold Raymond Hanna , born at the ranch near Roosevelt , Utah on August 25 , 1918 . Also that same year Scott and Addie Huffman suffered a loss of twins . Addie had been having labor pains for about a week and was very ill . When the babies came on September 6 , 1918 , they were stillborn . The twin girls were given the names Adeline and Valie . They were buried at the foot of Grace 's grave in the Roosevelt Cemetery . Addie was very sick for about three weeks . She had always wanted twins and took the loss very hard . Valie stayed with her and took care of the family until Addie recovered and became stronger . Late in the fall , most of the Shepherd family moved to Grand Junction . Addie became very ill . Valie went to the druggist to ask what they were using to help and he just shrugged and said " Nobody knows what to do . " , so she went to the grocery and bought a bag of onions and a bag of lemons . She made a big pot of onion soup and kept everyone drinking hot lemonade . Everett had a high fever and went out of his head talking about Grace . This alarmed his mother and the family very much . Many people were dying each day during this epidemic of flu . Everyone worried for several days that Addie would not have the strength to survive . Finally she and the others began to improve . However , when Francetta Shepherd got the flu in February , she was not so fortunate . This strain of flu seemed to be especially violent for young children and for women who were expecting . Francetta was one of these women , and after many days of being very ill she died . Francetta Kelsey Shepherd , only 23 years old , was buried at Roosevelt , Utah beside her daughter Grace on February 14 , 1919 . Early in the spring of the same year , Claude moved his family to Grand Junction . It took him eight days to travel with his wagon from the town of Wellington in Utah , to Colorado . Both Bart and Claude went to work for the irrigation company in the area known as the Redlands South of Grand Juncton . Lizzie and Valie took care of the young boys . It was Grandma who raised Claude and Bob from then until manhood . Late in the fall , the family went to Olathe and spent the winter of 1919 - 1920 there . It proved to a be a pleasant winter as all the young people would get together at different homes for Saturday night dances . About the middle of May , Valie returned to Grand Junction to be with Addie when her baby arrived . She and Addie were very close and she always looked forward to spending time with her family . She was there with them when the baby , Glen Huffman , was born on May 31 , 1920 . Early in June the rest of the family returned to Grand Junction . Scott and Addie were just getting ready to move out into the Redlands where Scott had taken a job with a ditch company . The company had a house for them . The Shepherd family moved into the house that they had been living in . Soon after this , Valie and Thelma were going downtown one day when they met John Garrett on the street . He had gotten a piece of steel in his eye , and had been to the doctor . He was wearing dark glasses to protect his eye for a few days . Soon he and Valie were going together again . He took a job irrigating on the Redlands too , and became a frequent visitor at the Huffman 's house . That spring there was an epidemic of whooping cough . Florence , Nellie and Agnes Prettyman all had it . So did Marie Wiggett when her family came for a visit at Addie 's house . The older children would survive it , but a tiny baby did not have enough strength to endure the endless coughing . When Glenn began to get very sick , Addie called the doctor , He came and left a prescription slip . Valie walked out in the fields and asked him if he would take his care and get the filled for the , which he did . However , the baby died before the medicine could help him . Baby Glen Huffman passed away on June 31 , 1920 . Addie took the loss of this baby very hard . This was the third baby she had buried in less than two years . Claude stayed at Olathe until he had the crops all in . Then in the summer he traveled down to Grand Junction . He and Bill Tubbs got a big carpenter job over at Gateway , Colorado and they worked there until the last of August . Sometime during the year before , when they were living in Grand Junction , Valie had met a girl named Maude McGovern . She had first met her at church . Later Valie went with Edna and George , and a group to a dance at Maude 's house . When Valie came home from this dance , she had told Bart that she had met his wife . Bart really laughed at this idea and said he was not very interested in girls and the idea of a wife was far from his mind . Valie had almost forgotten about this incident , since it was almost a year later . Soon they met up again with Maude following their attendance at the family wedding of Sarah Prettyman and Loren Craig on June 12 , 1920 . After the wedding , Loren and Sarah were taking a group over to the store for a treat . In the group was Valie , John and Bart . On the way they met Maude . Valie introduced her to everyone else , ignoring Bart . Bart kicked his sister in the shin saying " Sis , aren 't you going to introduce me ? " Valie responded " No , this is the girl you didn 't want to meet . " Then she said , " Maude , this is my brother Bart . " Maude talked for a few minutes , congratulations were expressed to Loren and Sarah Craig , then Bart and Maude linked arms and walked off together . They were together from that moment on throughout the rest of their lives . It was not many days after this that John Garrett purchased a ruby engagement ring and presented it to Valie . When they announced their plans to be married soon , Bart and Maude thought it such a good ideas , that the two couples began to make plans for a double wedding . The wedding date was set for July 31 , 1930 , however , just a few days before the wedding Maude 's step - father died , and her family convinced her she should wait until a later date . John and Valie went ahead and were married as planned at the home of Scott and Addie Huffman on the Redlands . They moved into a little house on Main Street and began housekeeping . John was working on the Redlands where he did irrigation work . The following Sunday afternoon , August 8 , 1920 , Bartley and Maude were married at the home of Maude 's mother . In a few days they moved to a small house in West Camp of the Redlands , where Bart became an overseer of this irrigation camp . About this same time , Claude and Bill Tubbs came back to Grand Junction from the job at Gateway , where they had been building houses . Just a month later the family had another wedding when William Tubbs married Lizze Shepherd on September 8 , 1920 . They were married at the elders place on Rude Avenue . John and Valie stood up with them . In December of 1934 , George and Edna Hanna were coming to Salt Lake City , Utah to go through the temple and Lizzie decided to join them . They left Grand Junction , but somewhere out in the desert the old car broke down . They had to wait quite awhile in the cold before Bart was able to come from Helper and get them . Lizzie got chilled and became sick . It was not long after Christmas that her cold turned to pneumonia . She was weak and tired , and her hip injury pained her a great deal . Elizabeth " Lizzie " Talmer Robert Shepherd Tubbs died on January 5 , 1935 at the home of her son Bart in Helper , Utah . She was buried at Price , Utah on January 10 , 1935 . Who are your ancestors ? Whose DNA did you inherit ? Have you done any researching or digging into your family 's history ? Have you unearthed any interesting stories ? Since February I have been sharing the story of my maternal second great grand aunt Elizabeth Talmer Roberts Shepherd . She was the sister of my maternal great great grandfather Abel Roberts . I chose Elizabeth " Lizzie " , because in delving into family geneology I had come across a comprehensive written story of her life . I was impressed by this young woman 's courage and strength . If you want to start at the beginning click here . If you have been following her journey scroll down for the next installment of Lizzie and her family 's journey . It was in about December of 1909 that Valie , one of Lizzie 's daughters , began to feel ill . Her first symptoms were rheumatic pains in her joints which ached , so that she slept many nights with her feet propped up on the oven door for warmth , as she sat in a larger rocker . Early in April while on an errand for her mother Lizzie , she was caught in the rain and became thoroughly chilled . She spent several days in bed but finally was allowed to go back to school . On the last day of school there was a picnic and they were caught in a heavy rain . She became soaked and for the next few days was very ill . She had improved some when it was time for her mother to go into the mountains to cook for her brother and another man who were building homestead houses . Lizzie took Valie along thinking that the mountain air would do her some good . After a sold week of an earache while in the mountains Valie was returned home to the care of her sister Adaline , who was sixteen . Valie was fourteen at the time . Lizzie then went back to the mountains to cook for the men . The third day Valie was home she began to feel worse and when her sister brought her lunch , Valie began to hemorrhage from the nose and mouth . Adaline was frightened and sent for the doctor and send Douglas Spencer to the mountains for Lizzie . It was almost dark when he started out and had about fifteen miles to ride on horseback over unfamiliar trails . Adding to his troubles , a blizzard came up and he became lost . Lizzie had already gone to bed in the camp when she heard someone calling out . Claude , nor anyone else could hear the calls , but nevertheless Lizzie had the men get up and light a lantern . They went outside and called out into the darkness . A nearly frozen Douglas Spencer heard the shouts and located the camp . As soon as it was light enough for them to see they started back to Laurel . The doctor had been to see Valie who was still having violent hemorrhages . When Lizzie arrived he told her that he did not know what the problem was but thought that Valie should be taken to Billings , Montana to a hospital . Lizzie asked him if he thought an operation would be necessary to save her life . He told her he didn 't know since he could not diagnose the problem , but that it might be the means of saving some other life . Valie had lost so much blood that the doctor admitted he had little hope she could withstand the trip to the hospital . Lizzie told the doctor that if it was the Lord 's will that she die , that she wanted her to die at home . Early the following morning Valie had another hemorrhage , this being the eighth one . The doctor returned but said he had done all he could . He told Lizzie that she was dying and pulled the sheet up over Valie 's face as he left . Lizzie stood in the kitchen praying for her daughter , when a knock came on the door . There on the porch were two Mormon missionaries . They came in and talked to Lizzie and held a prayer circle in the kitchen . They then entered Valie 's bedroom . Valie who had been only semi - conscious for three days and unconscious all that day responded when one of the elders took her hand and asked if she would like to be administered to . She was able to respond that she would . In the blessing she was given it was promised that she would recover and become a mother in Zion . Valie ended up recovering from her unexplained illness . The same missionaries who had visited her on her " death bed " returned one day and marveled at Valie 's recovery . They shared their story of how they had come into town the night before and had planned out their route for the next day . They had planned to go to the opposite end of town , but the next morning one of them had a strong feeling that they should go the other way . They had only gone a short distance when a neighbor told them that there was a Mormon family nearby and how the daughter Valie was very sick . They were the only Latter Day Saints family living there at the time . The doctor who had told several people that Valie would not live through the day later stated that he believed a higher power must have restored her health . Valie had no further symptoms of that mysterious illness . In later years after a few years of marriage and after several doctors told her she would never have a child , she went on to eventually raise a large family . Edna and George Hanna lived for a while at Red Lodge , Montana , during this time . Addie came up from Laurel and visited with her sister . It was here she became acquainted with Scott Huffman . Later Scott came down to Laurel to visit her . It took them awhile to realize how much they cared for each other , but when they did , they became a very devoted couple . When Valie began to feel better in the fall , the Shepherd family moved to Red Lodge . They were there when Scott and Addie 's first child , a daughter named Thelma Huffman was born on October 11 , 1910 . The following year her sister Edna and husband George Hannah had a son named Milburn Minor Hannah on July 21 , 1911 . Brother Claude and his wife Francetta Kelsey were also living at Basin City and their first child , a daughter named Grace Esther Shepherd was born on August 25 , 1911 . Francetta was a very young wife and mother , only fifteen years old . Her parents Benjamin Franklin and Bolettie Vance Kelsey encouraged her to remain with them that year while Claude worked at Thermopolis on a sewer line and later at Crosby , Wyoming in the coal mines . It was at Thermopolis that Valie met Jim Peacock . Claude invited him to join the family for Thanksgiving dinner . Jim had been born in England and enjoyed hearing the soft English spoken words of Claude 's family . Jim also found himself attracted to Valie and the whole Shepherd family . He spent the next ten years near and around the family , even as they moved about . While Lizzie was at Thermopolis in 1912 she decided to sell the ranch in Burlington . She sold the 160 acres homestead that the family had worked so hard to pay off for $ 4 , 000 . 00 . Earnest Wiggett , Lizzie 's oldest son , had taken his family to Olathe , Colorado and was farming there . After the ranch sold , Carl and his family also went to Olathe , as did Burton and Florence Prettyman . A man named Bill Tubbs who was an artist , architect , carpenter and wood craftsman also entered the picture about this time . He had many talents , but didn 't always put them to use and too often sought solace in the bottle . There was much good in Bill though and Lizzie could see this in him . She chose to accept him as he was . There was sometimes resentment in the family when it seemed Lizzie put Bill before her own children . Yet they also recognized that he treated all her children with respect . He taught Claude the carpenter trade , and Bart and Gilford also learned craftsmanship from him as they grew into manhood . Lizzie was past fifty years old when Bill came into her life , and they stayed together until her death . In the spring of 1912 the Shepherd family went north to Lewistown , Montana . Lizzie rented a café on Main Street called the Lewiston Dining Parlor . Lizzie did all the cooking , while Laura Clark and Helen Bolden helped Valie wait on the tables . They ofte had fifty men to serve for meals . Claude was working with his tems for a steam shovel outfit . Bill Tubbs was building some homestead houses . Scott and Addie Huffman were living in Red Lodge , Montana . Scott was doing bookkeeping at the coal mine at Washoe . Their second child , a son named Everett Roland Huffman , was born on August 23 , 1912 . In the spring of 1913 the family went up to Denton , Montana . This was a new town about sixty mile northwest of Lewistown . The railroad was just being built into the town and plan were being made to build two large grain elevators . Lizzie felt there would be a lot of work there so she bought a piece of land that had a small old building on it and began to feed boarders . Claude took a job hauling freight from Stanford where the railroad ended at that point in time . It was a muddy wet spring . The heavy mud on the unimproved roads rolled up around the wagon wheels and made it hard to travel very fast . Claude hauled lumber from Stanford to build the Denton Hotel . Bill Tubbs drew up plans which included a gas lighting system , which he planned , built and kept operating . He and Claude did most of the work . They moved into the hotel just before Thanksgiving , and it became the family 's source of income for the next five years . They had a pump house behind the hotel with a nice well . They had six bedrooms upstairs to rent . There was one bedroom downstairs . The old majestic range stood in the kitchen . Bill built a long convenient counter in the kitchen to serve from and made shelves above it for the dishes . He build a sturdy table on the other side of the room where the pump was located . They were always heating water for some purpose . There was a large reservoir on the old stove . Each room upstairs had a pitcher for water and a basin for washing in , but the wash tub had to be used for a weekly bath . The toilet facility was located on the back of the property , but each bedroom had its own covered convenience tucked under the bed . While they ran the hotel Lizzie enjoyed the luxury of having someone else do the washing . She sent the sheets out weekly to be done . Lizzie was too busy feeing about a hundred men three meals a day . They served the food family style at five big table . Lizzie cooked big meals of meat , potatoes and gravy , and some kind of vegetable . She always made pie for lunch . In the early afternoon , Valie would bake two great big sheet cakes for supper , one white and one chocolate . Valie and Katie took turns waiting on tables . In 1914 Claude brought his family up to Denton and his wife Francetta also helped with serving . Valie and Francetta became close friends and little Grace , at about 18 months was the darling of the family . Young Gilford , as a small boy , built a play house and a garage under the back stairway and put a neat fence all around it . These were good settled years for the family . Lizzie bought two other pieces of property here . Bill Tubbs built a five room house on one of these lots which they rented out for income and later sold to the blacksmith . He built a smaller two room house on the other lot where the family lived later for a short time . Edna came down and stayed with the family during the summer and George came down in the fall and worked on the construction of the bank building . Scott and Addie Huffman 's son Wilfred Scott Huffman added to the family when he was born on October 14 , 1914 . Elizabeth " Lizzie " Talmer Roberts is the sister of my maternal great great grandfather . In the process of doing genealogical research I came across a story written down about her . Her story begins in when Lizzie was born on June 10 , 1861 in Headless Cross , Worchestershire , England . I have been sharing her story here in Mojo Mondays and if you want to start at the beginning you can do so by clicking here . . . . Meanwhile back at the ranch in Burlington , both of the young wives had recently given birth to baby daughters . The children born at the time were daughter of Carl and Annie , Bertha Adaline Shepherd , born on October 30 , 1906 and daughter of Earnest and Mary , Mary Ella Wiggett , born on October 31 , 1906 . Earnest and Carl brought their father by wagon from Burlington up to Belfry . That night the weather changed , a strong wind came first ahead of the storm . Claude and Edna spent most of the night trying to hold the ridge - pole steady to keep the tent from blowing away . The next day they went by wagons in a snowstorm to Bridger , Montana , about ten or twelve miles north . Here Laffe was laid to rest . His grave was marked with a large rock slab with the letter " S " painted on it . In 1973 his sister Valie would make a trip to Wyoming and Montana and she was able to locate a very efficient caretaker at the Bridger , Montana cemetery . He searched his records and located the grave site . The storm continued very strong . Lizzie took the girls , Bart and Gilford , and traveled back to Belfry on the train . Later the boys brought Rollins Don Carlos and the teams and wagons back to Belfry . When Earnest and Carl were ready to travel back to Burlington they left their father with his family . The family lived that winter in a tent on the bare ground . It was remarkable that those in the family made it through the winter . That winter and the next spring was a very hard time for the family . In the summer , Claude and Burton Prettyman were able to get gobs on the railroad near Billings , Montana . When the Ringling Brothers Circus came to town , the kids saw the first circus they had ever seen . When the job was finished in the fall , the Shepherd family went back to Chance , Montana and the Prettyman family , to Red Lodge . In a short time , Burton Prettyman and three of the young boys had thyphoid . They were very ill and were taken to the hospital . The family recalled how during that summer Forrest Prettyman , who was just past five years old , had said to his grandmother Lizzie on several occasion , " When I die , will you bury me by my uncle Laffe ? " Forrest died on September 18 , 1907 . Lizzie and her family came for the funeral and stayed with Florence until Burton and the other boys were better . Later that fall the Shepherd and Prettyman families went down to Worland , Wyoming to work on the big Hanover Canal . The children did not go to school that winter . Joe and Earnest with Valie and Addie , would take the big cross - cut saw and with a couple of kids on each end , they would cut wood for both families . One day the four of them were playing down by the river and taking turns being pulled on a sled on the ice along the bend of the Big Horn River . The rope slipped out of Joe 's hand as Earnest and Addie , on the sled , headed for the swift open channel . Joe quickly slid out on his stomach to grab the end of the rope . His quick action saved them from plunging into the freezing icy river . When the family moved to Laurel , Montana in the spring of 1908 , Lizzie rented a house which the family called " The Coffee House . " The railroad was building a big ice house there and Lizzie took one room where she served family style meals to a few boarders . These were very hard times and work was hard to find , but there were quite a few men employed in building the big ice house . One of these was a young man named Douglas Spencer , who became very fond of Addie . When the ice house was about half built , it collapsed . One man was killed . Douglas Spencer dove into a ditch under the flowing , which saved his life , but his foot was caught and badly broken . Another of the men who worked on this job and came to board with the Shepherd family was William Tubbs . William Tubbs had been born August 29 , 1878 in Omaha , Nebraska . According to family stories , he had married there and was the father of two small children , a boy and a girl . The story goes that he came home one evening to find another man loading his household furniture and his family into a wagon . When he asked what was going on the man bluntly told him that he was in love with the wife and that they were leaving together . A fight followed and the story continues in that the other man was knocked backwards over the wagon tongue and died of a broken neck . Ill Tubbs left Omaha that night . Were he went on his westward journey , nor how long it was before he came to Laurel , Montana . Later that year the family moved to a smaller house and Lizzie still continued to cook for a few men . Claude worked at the livery stable and there he met a man by the name of George Hanna . After George met Edna he became a frequent visitor of the family . Early in 1909 George and Edna went to Billings , Montana to be married . They moved into a small place of their own not far from where the family lived . It was here that they had their first child Mildred Fay Hannah on September 24 , 1901 . Sometime in 1908 Earnest and Mary Wiggett left the ranch and went to Olathe , Colorado . Their daughter Millie Wiggett was born on January 1 , 1909 , but sadly she died the next year on December 22 , 1910 . Carl and Annie were still living on the homestead . Two daughters were born to them during this time , Lizzie Lora Shepherd on October 13 , 1908 and Clara Shepherd on August 20 , 1910 . Many people were out of work and the winter of 1909 and 1910 found many people facing very hard times . Claude and George worked at the liverly stable . Addie worked for a lady who ran the section house . Addie helped with the cooking and in the kitchen . Valie suffered from pains in her legs and her joints all that winter . Earlier in the year their father used to take a couple of coal buckets and would follow along the railroad tracks to pick up coal . There was a curve in the railroad tracks a short distance from the house . Sometimes coal would fall off the train as it rounded this curve . Often the firemen would toss a few shovelfuls of coal off the train for people to pick up . One day in the summer father had gone for coal , but had become tired and sat down on the track where he proceeded to fall asleep . Addie notices that her father was gone just about the time she heard the train whistle . She ran out and pulled him off the track . She then gave him a lecture and asked him to stop going after coal . This was about the only time he ever left the house . He seemed more and more tired as winter and cold weather arrived . Often the family was without good food that winter . As Christmas approached they were very bad off and had very little to eat . When their father got up on Christmas morning he went to Lizzie in the kitchen and told her he was going to die . He went over to a couch - like bed which they kept in the kitchen . He laid down , went to sleep and then died in his sleep . Rollins Don Carlos Shepherd died at age 79 on December 25 , 1909 . A heavy winter snow storm came up the day of his funeral , just as it had when Laffe was buried . Valie remembered the teams that pulled the hearse , and how several of the men stood on the side of the hearse to add their weight to keep it from tipping over in the heavy snow . The family remained in very destitute conditions that winter . One of their boarders , a man by the name of Ezra King brought the family a twenty - five pound sack of flour , which was all the food they had in the house at that time . Malnutrition may have contributed largely to compounding the problems which beset Valie at this time , for it was in the sprint of 1910 that she suffered an illness which almost took her life . Elizabeth " Lizzie " Talmer Roberts is the sister of my maternal great great grandfather . In the process of doing genealogical research I came across a story written down about her . Her story begins in when Lizzie was born on June 10 , 1861 in Headless Cross , Worchestershire , England . I have been sharing her story here in Mojo Mondays and if you want to start at the beginning you can do so by clicking here . It was a time of change for Lizzie too , and while these things affected her , it was in a different way . She was just past forty - three years old and still a strong and vigorous woman . She had fought with William Packard over the irrigation water . Packer insisted that Carlos had given the water right to him , and Lizzie insisted that he was not going to have it . She had used the water to irrigate five acres of wheat and had seen it come to a good harvest under her care . She would stand up for herself , so in the Spring of 1904 , when the crop was coming along , she rented out the ranch land as pasture . Then she took the livestock and her six children and moved from the ranch into a house on the Prettyman place down by the river . She stayed here for a few months . Her husband was left in the care of Earnest Wiggett and his wife Mary . They moved back to the ranch and their first son Leslie Wiggett was born there on September 3 , 1904 . Early in the Spring of 1904 Lizzie decided to leave Burlington . She had a covered wagon to carry a few belongings . She took a horse for Claude to ride and a pony , which Edna rode . They helped to drive the cattle and milk cows , which they also took . Lizzie 's son Carl was also very restless and perhaps hoped for a better start somewhere else or perhaps he felt his mother needed his help during this time . Lizzie , Carl , and Annie with her three young children , left Burlington together . They traveled across Wyoming that summer finding work where they could . Somewhere along Lander , Wyoming the children found lots of wild berries growing along the creeks and river . They picked large quantities of the berries to use fresh and Lizzie and Annie made jelly as well . They moved on southward to Atlantic City , which was a very rough frontier town . They lived in a tent and the wagon that summer . Lizzie sold milk and butter . She baked bread to sell and took in washing from the miners there . Carl and Laffe took a job with their teams cutting and hauling cord wood and railroad ties . The man who leased them the land for cutting did not own the land and they were ordered to get off or be shot . The boys had the wagon loaded but were afraid to drive it out because of the threats . Edna at age twelve was not about to let that load be left there . She climbed up and drove the wagon down to the mill without incident . Once again that summer , Edna kept the family from having trouble . Lizzie had been carefully saving the money she made so she could pay the mortgage on the ranch . She has nearly a thousand dollars and was keeping the money in a large trunk . One evening two very rough men came to buy break and she went to the trunk for change . When they got outside the tent , one man said to the other , " That old lady has plenty of money in that trunk . We will come back after dark and get it . " Edna happened to be standing where she heard them . As soon as they were out of sight she told her mother . Lizzie put the money into two small sacks and pinned them to the inside of Addie and Valie 's clothing . She told the girls if she was caught that they were just to keep on walking . The family went to the home of the Marshall for the night . When they returned to the tent in the morning , the trunk had been kicked open , the contents scattered about and the place torn up , but the money was safe . Lizzie took it to the bank that day and sent it off to Burlington to apply on the mortgage of the ranch . Another story to add here is how Bart , who was not yet five years old , liked to dig through the trash near their tent , which happened to be near a saloon . One day he picked up a round object , but his sister Valie told him it was just an old poker chip and to throw it away . Bart was convinced it was as good as money and sure enough earned one dollar for it . He gave it to his mom to go with the other mortgage money and he liked to tell everyone how he found the last dollar to pay on the ranch mortgage . The family stayed in Atlantic City until the fall of 1904 . Carl and Annie 's first child , a daughter names Electra Shepherd was born there on September 20 , 1904 . Carl gave her the name of his beloved little sister who had died as a child . In the later Fall of that year , Carl and Annie went back to Burlington to the ranch . Earnest helped Carl build a two room house on the upper forty acres . The two young men , with their growing families , lives and worked together on the ranch for about five years . Lizzie moved to Thermopolis , Wyoming that Fall . All the children went to school there that winter . Lizzie 's last child William Gilford Shepherd was born there on December 18 , 1904 . In the spring of 1905 , Bart was ill with large abscesses on his legs . There were no miracle drugs in those days and infections were common . Lizzie could not cure them with home remedies , so she took him to one doctor who wanted to lance them . She was not satisfied with his quick diagnosis and took him to another doctor . He told Lizzie if they were lanced , the boy would never walk again . Lizzie took him home and made homemade poultices of soap and sugar to gather the infection . Finally they broke and drained . Bart was in bed most of that spring . When the family left Thermopolis in the spring , they made a bed in the back of the wagon for Bart . Valie had just completed a most satisfactory full year of school and enjoyed being Bart 's teacher . She taught him to write all the letters and when they ran out of paper they wrote on the side of a wooden box . They had some little " Buster Brown books " they had received when they bought shoes . The read and reread these stories , and also anything that had printed letters written on it . Valie was evidently a successful teacher for when Bart started school he was put right into the third grade where he could read with the best of the class . The family returned to Burlington for a short time that summer , then Claude and Carl took a contract to bale hay on the Y . U . sheep ranch some distance west of Burlington , at a place called Pitchfork . The boys used a baler that was driven by horsed . They hooked the team to the baler , and then the team went around in a circle . The hay was put into the baler which pressed it into the shaped of a bale . A wooden block was dropped into the baler to regulate the length of each bale . Edna and Addie had the job of dropping the blocks between the bales . The bales were then tied with baling wire . They worked long hard hours , and one night Addie , who was very tired , dreamt that they were still working . She shouted out in her sleep , " Block Carl , block ! This bale is a mile long now . " They baled a good many tons of hay that season . They piled the bales into long stacks . There were six or eight long stacks of these bales . Lizzie spent several weeks of misery that summer with a big abscess under her arm . She could hardly mix bread or take care of the cooking for the hungry workers . Later that summer the family went to Bear Creek where Lizzie established a little store in part of their home . In the summer of 1906 her son Claude went to Chance , Montana to work on a ranch . It was here that he first met Scott Huffman . Scott was recuperating from lung problems following pneumonia . His family had sent him to the farm of his uncle Onie Hall , to do light work and breath clean air . Claude and Scott became friends . Early in September Laffe took some time off to go on a fishing trip . He went with a fellow named Ross Nixon . ( Ross Nixon was married to Rose Clark , who had a sister named Laura Clark . His brother Claude would marry Laura many years later . ) Laffe and Ross took the spring wagon and were gone several days . When Laffe returned home he was very sick . He asked Valie and Addie to unhitch the team and take care of them as he was too sick to stand up . He went right to bed and was very ill for many days . He had caught typhoid fever . After a while , he began to feel better . Lizzie decided that the water at Bear Creek was adding to Laffe 's problem , so they packed up and moved down to Belfry , Montana . Laffe did feel better for a while and would sit outside in the sun , but his strength did not return and he continued to feel ill , which gave cause for concern to his mother Lizzie and family . Claude took a job hauling lumber that Fall . In handling the lumber , he got a big half - inch sliver in his thumb that appeared to go nearly to the bone . He tried to ignore it . One night he rode about six miles to visit his girl and when he got home he was in so much pain that he fell off the horse . A doctor came and lanced and drained the wound . Claude nearly had a case of blood poisoning as a result of that incident . The weather stayed open and quite warm until late into the fall . Laffe would feel better for a while , then would take very ill again . One day he was sitting up and a neighbor brought over a plate of food . It looked and smelled good to him and he ate it all , seeming to enjoy it very much . In a short while he began to cough . His cough became worse and he began to hemorrhage . Soon he became violently ill and he died that evening . ( Marcus De Lafayette Shepherd died at age 20 on November 14 , 1906 . ) Belfry , Montana was a very tine place with neither stores , nor a cemetery . Lizzie had to send Claude and Edna to Red Lodge , a trip or ten or twelve miles up over the mountains , to get a casket . When they got to Red Lodge , the store keeper sold them a coffin and clothing for Laffe to be laid away in . He also included a black veil for Lizzie to wear as was the custom of the day . When they got ready to start back , the stubborn old horse Kate balked as she often did . Claude was just about at the end of his patience . He picked up a 2 x 4 and gave her a beating . This caused the horse to kick wildly and Edna held the reins praying Claude would not be kicked in the head by the flying hooves . Finally the got the mare under control and made the trip back home safely . Lizzie notified the family at Burlington , and they began to prepare Laffe for burial . Now at a time when things are going along quite well for the new community and life has become a bit easier for most of them , it is sad to report that things were not going that well for the Shepherd family . As Lizzie 's husband Rollins Don Carlos Shepherd advanced into his seventies he became more and more irritable and unpredictable in his behavior . One evening Florence and Burton Prettyman stopped by the Shepherd Ranch and were caught there in a heavy rainstorm . They moved a straw tick from their wagon and prepared to stay over night . Sometime during the night , father got up and was going to set the house afire . When Burton took hold of him and spoke to him he did not even remember that Burton had been there earlier . Burton put him back to bed and talked quietly to him for awhile . Often after this , the children would carry their straw ticks out and sleep in the haystack during the summer weather . About this time Carl had a very bad attack of boils . He had three or four large boils on the back of his neck . They were very sore and made him hurt all over . He had stopped work and come into the kitchen and sat down in a chair feeling very ill . In the meantime the calves got out of their pen and in with the cows and were nursing all the days supply of milk . When father saw this he became enraged and rushed into the house to get Carl . He was carrying his irrigation shovel . Carl saw him raise the shovel , mother yelled , and he jumped out of the chair just as his father brought the shovel down with such force that he split the chair in half . Another day Rollins Don Carlos came into the house from the fields and went to the water bucket for a drink , but the bucket was empty . Lizzie was sitting at the sewing machine and did not get up . He took the bucket and went to the irrigation ditch for water . When he came back he sat the bucket down and took a drink . Then he took the heavy water dipper and began to beat Lizzie over the head with it . Her cries brought Carl on the run from the barn with the pitchfork . He told his father to quit or he would use the fork on him . Rollins Don Carlos knew that Carl meant it . Carl and his father got along well for the most part . It was Carl who stayed and cared for him longer than anyone . With two of the older boys away and only Carl to help him with the ranch work , Rollins Don Carlos became very discouraged in the fall of 1903 . He arranged to mortgage the ranch for a thousand dollars and decided to make a trip back to Beaver , Utah where his brother was living . Before he left he went to a lawyer in Burlington and had a legal paper drawn up conveying all the personal property , farm equipment and livestock to Lizzie . Their daughter Valie also believed that he had a formal bill of divorcement drawn up at this time . Lizzie sewed the money into his underclothing and the boys took him by wagon to Basin , where he took the train to begin his journey to Beaver . Rollins Don Carlos was happy to see his brother again and remained with him for several months . He was still in Beaver when his brother Marcus Lafayette Shepherd had a heart attack and fell from a load of logs on February 5 , 1904 at the age of nearly 80 years . From a book on Beaver history , J . F . Tolton said of him " Marcus L . Shepherd : Philanthropist , Church Man - One who loved God adn served his fellowman . " When their father returned to the ranch in the early spring of 1904 , he brought a velvet bonnet for each of the little girls and a China doll . Edna got a brown bonnet , Addie a red one and Valie a blue one . Not long after though Edna 's had her taken by some older boys to tease her and they dropped it into the outdoor toilet . The China dolls that Edna and Addie had , each had back hair that was painted on . Soon Claude ran one of these through the cog wheel on the wringer of the washtubs . Claude was always full of mischief . he loved to get the key to the big eight day clock that hung on the wall . he would change the alarm and set it to go off in the middle of the night . Mother tried to keep the key hidden and often scolded him for his pranks , but he did not change . The doll that Valie had was a smaller doll with real blonde hair . She cherished this doll until she was past twenty year sold . Then one day while she was cleaning out her trunk and had laid it on the bed , Claude came into the room and up to his usual mischief picked up a marble and flicked it at the doll . The marble struck the doll 's head , causing it to break all to pieces . Valie felt very bad about it for she had kept it for so many years and it was the only keepsake she had from her father . Sometime early in the year of 1904 Carl Shepherd , age 19 , married Marry Anna Montana Abercrombria ( Caldwell ) who was born December 18 , 1876 . She was 28 years old . Annie had come to the area with her parents , but she was living in a small house on the place just below the Shepherd placed . Annie had been married to James Caldwell and had four children . They were Melissa Caldwell ( who had died prior to their marriage ) , Brazilla Caldwell , who was about 8 year sold , James Caldwell , who was about 6 . 5 years old and Ira Caldwell , who was still a baby . Carl left the ranch and moved to a small house with Anie and her family sometime in the early part of 1904 . Rollins Don Carlos Shepherd was now past 74 years old and he was tired in body and spirt . He had been saddened by the passing of his brother and could feel that his own years were limited . He did not have a great deal to show for all his years of hard labor . He had mortgaged the ranch and signed away the livestock and all the farm equipment to his wife . The two boys , Earnest and Carl , who had worked so hard with him on the ranch for ten years had left to establish homes for themselves . One humorous story concerning the three little girls happened about this time . In their Sunday school attendance they had been hearing much about the power of prayer . The greatest hope of these three little girls was to have a fully equipped playhouse of their very own . They knew that their folds did not have any way to provide them with such a luxury , so they decided to make it a matter of prayer . They swept and cleaned a place under a large tree for the playhouse to be placed . Then they set about to pray . They prayed and watched , and often got up real early to see if their prayers had been answered during the night . They even imagined that each cloud might have a playhouse hidden away inside it . One afternoon the folks went to town for groceries and the girls were left with an older brother . They wanted until earnest had gone about his work , ( or so they thought ) , then they knelt down around the big wood box in the kitchen and prayed for the playhouse . They each took a turn praying in a most fervent manner . When it was Addie 's turn to pray , she brought her fist down on the wood box and said , " And I pray that our playhouse will come down , plunkety , plink , flunkety , plunk . " Outside , Earnest and his friend , who had been listening to them , were doubled over with laughter . And of course the story got passed around the family . Soon the girls decided that a playhouse was not the thing to pray for . But in later years , they enjoyed telling and retelling this story on themselves . But Edna did have one of her childhood prayers answered in a very dramatic way , and it always strengthened her to remember it . One day the family was getting ready to go to town . The children were not often taken along , but this day they were told they could go . So everyone hurried around to get ready , but they could not find the baby 's shoe . After looking everywhere else with no success , Edna decided that it must be in the bed covering so she carefully shook them out but to no avail . Not knowing where else to look , she crawled in under the quilts and began to pray that she might be able to find the shoe there . In a few minutes she crawled out to look on the top of the covered , but there was no shoe . Then she dived right back down under the covers again , and began to pray that much harder . They next time she came out to look , there was the shoe , as she had prayed that it would be , on the top of the quilts . Edna had a firm testimony that prayers could be answered . One summer day about this time the girls were amusing themselves at a game . Lacking toys for fun , they had turned a wash tub upside down in the yard . They would take turns crawling under it while the other two beat a good drum rhythm on the top of the tub . The noise soon became very annoying to their father and he shouted for them to stop the banging , but they were having such sun , they paid little attention . Valie was under the tub and Edna and Addie were beating good strong strokes , when their enraged father came around the corner carrying his pitchfork . The girls were fearful of their father 's temper . Valie stayed right where she was under the tub , Edna ran as fast as she could and hid between the house and the cellar . Addie took another route and sneaked through a hollow log and into the house where she stayed under the bed until her mother got back home . Another day soon after this , Addie and Valie decided that they would run away from home . They had crossed their own fields and gone through the fence down on Corn 's place and were hiding in the sagebrush . When they saw their mother running towards them with Bart under her arm , Valie said , " Oh , we better run . If she catches us she will give us a good whipping . " But Addie felt differently , " No , " she said " We had better go back , something is wrong . " And something was wrong . Lizzie had been scrubbing the floor with lye water . She had set the can and measuring spoon on the table and Bart who was just beginning to crawl had gotten into it . Lizzie quickly washed out his mouth again and again . Although the lye had burned his lips and the inside of his mouth quite badly , he was not seriously harmed . Valie can remember going to visit her sister 's family one summer day . Florence had taken a large empty wooden box and spread a quilt onto it for a playpen for baby Burton . As Valie bent over to say hello to the baby , she saw there was a large snake in the box with him . They quickly scooped the baby out and were relieved that it was only an old blow snake . Crops continued to be good on the ranch . After the spring planting was done , Earnest and the other boys would take jobs hauling freight to bring in extra money . They hauled the first telegraph wires , cross arms and insulators from Cody down to Thermopolis , Wyoming . Claude went along with earnest on this job . In the Spring of 1903 , Earnest hauled freight quite frequently to Thermopolis and began to save most of the money he was making . For Earnest had decided to get married and he needed the money for a wedding stake . One June 8 , 1903 Earnest Wiggett married Mary Golda Kinnamin , daughter of James Aaron Kinnamin and Eliza York . Earnest was twenty - two that year and Mary had just turned fifteen , having been born June 3 , 1888 . They rented a small place further north of Burlington and went there to live . Valie can remember a small tin trunk that Mary kept clothes folded in . They had no closet , but Mary always kept her house very neat and clean . One of the highlights of the year for all the populations of the Burlington Ward was the 24th of July Celebration . ( Pioneer Day is an official holiday celebrated on July 24 in the state of Utah , with some celebrations in regions of surrounding states originally settled by Mormon pioneers . ) The youngsters looked forward to this for weeks . It was a full day of fun . There were horse races , foot races and for the boy , sack races and three legged races . They had a ball game going all day and other games for everyone to enjoy . A long table was set up under the shade of the bowery and the lunches the ladies had brought were put all together on this big table at noon . There was fried chicken , potato salad , corn on the cob , slices of tomato , and the ward furnished a large barrel of lemonade , which was a treat for the young children . There there were all kinds of cakes and pie for dessert . It was a great day of good food and good fun for all . Later in the afternoon when everyone was resting from the games , Claude and Eugene Praetor began to fist fight . As Eugene was to remember years later , " Not because we were mad , we were the best of friends , but just to entertain the group . " Valie remembers that one of the ladies looked up at the boys and said , " Who is fighting ? " Mrs . Praetor replied , " Oh , it 's my Gene and that Shepherd kid . " |
Christmas seemed like a whirl wind for us this year , but I don 't think we 'd have it any other way . We drove to TN on the Tuesday before Christmas . We enjoyed lots of activities while we were there . We found some amazing Christmas lights like nothing we had ever seen . The kids loved to watch the lights dance . We visited with Nanny and Grandaddy and Grandpa Ed and Grandma Sue . We saw aunts , uncles , cousins , and second cousins . The kids got to play with their second cousin Will and Cole was so excited that he wasn 't the only boy ! We even went to Cookeville and had breakfast with Uncle Joe - joe and Aunt Amanda . We drove home Christmas Eve so we could have Santa at home . Christmas morning we opened presents and then had a Birthday Party for Jesus . We read the Christmas story and sang Happy Birthday , then we had cupcakes , of course . The kids got bikes and pillow pets from Santa . After eating some muffins for breakfast we packed the car and headed to Cullman . We had a big time there too . We even found time while we were there to play in the snow . Jonathan 's friend Jared got his car hood he bought last winter and they pulled it with the truck around the field . Summer drove and was good when the kids were riding , but not so much when Jared and Jonathan would ride . She of course made sure their life insurance was up to date first . I won 't mention the fact that she almost ran over my husband . Anyeay , here 's the snow . Poor Cole didn 't know what to think about the snow . He finally got to run in it and the next time we went out it was so windy that he was miserable . Sarah was too once her hands got cold . We had so much fun over Christmas break that I think we need more break ! Normally I would not call a day of driving to TN with my kids a fun day even if Shedd is here to help , but yesterday wasn 't bad at all . We stopped in Decatur to eat lunch and go to the bathroom and Elizabeth was telling us about a friend who had pulled a tooth . She went on to say that it hurt to eat when you have a loose tooth . I asked her is she had one and she bent one of her bottom front teeth down to her lip . Sure enough it 's loose and today it is still barely hanging on . I must however not forget to mention that her father tried to pull it while we were eating lunch at McDonald 's . He would stop short every time because he was afraid he would hurt her . He does have a heart after all . Once we got to TN we spent a little time with my parents before he and I headedd out for date night . We went to Murfreesboro to Red Lobster and then to the Vandy / Middle Tennessee game . Yes , we watched basketball , but we had fun . After we ate we were headed back to the van and Shedd went to the passenger side I of course asked if he wanted me to drive . He said no , so I asked what was going on . He said he was opening the door for me . I sweetly informed him that the last time he did that was on our wedding day . We laughed and then headed to the ball game . Vandy won , of course . It was fun . Then we went to Wal - Mart to get some stocking stuffers for the kiddos . Everyone was sleeping when we got home . My kids ( although very wild at times ) have been such a blessing to me lately . Elizabeth has been wanting to learn how to fold clothes lately , so the other day she helped me fold the basketball laundry . She folded the girls ' uniforms and all the basketball towels . The she asked if she could fold our towel . I let her fold as much as she wanted and I didn 't fix it when it wasn 't perfect because I was so touched that she wanted to help . Sarah Grace has been singing up a storm lately and she has such a precious little voice . I 'm not sure what songs she 's been singing . I think she 's making them up , but they are so incredibly sweet . I 'm not sure what was going on with Cole the other day , but he climbed up in my lap and let me hold him for a long time while we watched Shrek . It was really sweet . He 's usually entirely too busy to sit with me for more than a second , so it was such a sweet time . Today is Elizabeth 's last day of school before Christmas break . She has a program at 11 : 30 and then we get to bring her home . Jonathan has a boys ' basketball tournament this weekend , so I see lots of basketball in our future this weekend . Just hoping to squeeze in a bit of family time too . The kids are so excited about Christmas . We went to protablenorthpole . com and had Santa send them video messages to my email and the absolutely loved it . If you have young children it 's really neat . He 'll call them by name and talk about a special toy they might be getting . You just have to do the leg work when they aren 't around . It 's going to be a busy time with lots of traveling , but if we get to see everyone it will be well worth it . Children have developmental milestones , but it wasn 't until the last week or so that I realize that parents have them too . There 's the first night you bring home your new bundle of joy home . If everyone survived you feel like you 've really accomplished something . You feel the same way when that same bundle of joy reaches their first birthday . You 've kept the child alive for a whole year ! There are other milestones too like the first time one of your children has surgery or your first trip to the ER . Every person in the world has heard the screams of a child in Wal - Mart because they didn 't get what they wanted . Everyone in the world has started at THAT mom and wondered what terrible act she has committed to make her child act so terrible or even worse what kind of mother is she that her child would act that way . Last week I got to be THAT mom . I was at Wal - Mart with Sarah Grace and Cole and Sarah pitched the worst fit in the entire history of Wal - Mart . I have proof from a friend that was there that she could be heard from the back of the store while we were in the check out line . It was the single worst parenting experience I have ever had . As soon as I got to the van I called Jonathan and proceeded to tell him how terribly HIS daughter had behaved . Today I have reached another milestone . I received a phone call from Elizabeth 's school and was told that she might have pink eye . So today I am THAT mom that unknowingly sent her daughter to school with pink eye in order to infect the entire student population at Verbena . We aren 't sure if it 's pink eye or not . She feel fine and says her eye isn 't bothering her . She did wake up in the night crying because it was hurting . I gave her Tylenol and Jonathan took her to school and said he would have the nurse check it out . Since a nurse cannot confirm a diagnosis I had to go get her . This of course was upsetting to me because I was about to head to the gym . Oh well , I 'm sure I have many more first coming on my parenting journey . I am always thankful this time of year . I am thankful for my friends , my family , and all the other things God has blessed me with . I think most of all though I am thankful for my Coley Bear this time of year . It was around Thanksgiving 2 years ago that we almost lost him . I can remember when he was born looking at his tiny hands and telling Jonathan that I don 't see how nurses can put IV 's in those tiny little veins . I did 't know it then , but I think God was preparing me for the sight of an IV in my tiny baby 's hand . The week of Thanksgiving 2 years ago Cole got really sick . After each bottle he would vomit . This was much more than just " spit up " it was the absolute real deal . We did lots of traveling that weekend . We saw family in GA and after each feeding we would get towel and wait for " Old Faithful " to blow . He did it every time and would cry a terrible unconsolable cry . We took him to the doctor on Monday and she said she thought it was just reflux and wanted us to change his formula , but she sent us to Children 's South for an ultrasound of his stomach just in case it was something else . The first time we went in for the ultrasound we were told his stomah was too full . We couldn 't figure that one out since he 's just tossed everything he had eaten . We went to McDonald 's and had lunch for us and the girls and went back to try again and they confirmed that Cole had Pyloric Stenosis . The muscle flap that allows food to go into his stomach was too thick , so it couldn 't move to let food in . He wasn 't getting any nourishment . We were told to go home and wait for the doctor to call . We waited forever . Jonathan went to a basketball game and I had all the kids by myself at home . I called my mother - in - law and had her to come stay with the girls since we would get the call to go to Children 's at any minute . He sat in his carseat the entire time I packed and prepared for the trip . I was told we would be there for at least 2 nights . My mother - in - law got there and Cole was still in his carseat . It had been several hours and thePosted by Since Cole 's seizures there are things that I do regularly that were not a part of my regular schedule . I check his temperature before we leave to go anywhere and I always carry a thermometer and Motrin in the diaper bag . When we 're at home I check his forehead every time he runs by me . It 's just part of my routine now which seem strange because it 's not something I used to think about on a daily basis . In other news he 's been fine . No fevers or seizures in well over a week ! As a mom of 2 girls before I had Cole there are certain things I haven 't had to deal with . The girls pitch their share of fits , but Cole tends to become a bit violent ( biting and hitting ) when he doesn 't get his way and it 's not just at home . He 's started doing it other places too . Up to now we 've been spanking him , but I think I 'm going to start trying time out if I can keep him there . We 'll see how it works . He can be the sweetest child , but not when he 's mad . I think it started when preschool started for Sarah . I kinda think he 's having trouble being by himself . Hopefully he 'll get out of that soon . He got a haircut yesterday and he looks so cute . He looks so sweet . He 's all boy though , so he 's into EVERYTHING . I 've never dealt with a child that climbed and jumped quite as much as he does . He loves to help . His favorite thing to do is help empty the dishwasher . He is quite the helper when it 's just me and him . He loves to watch Elmo . Not Sesame Street just Elmo , so we have to record it and fast forward to Elmo 's world at the end . He had ADD just like his mother . Sarah is doing great . She absolutely loves preschool ! She really seems to be doing well . Her first preschool Sunday is coming up and I can 't wait to see her up on stage . She 's such a ham ! She 's full of all kinds of personality and is never afraid to show it . Sarah loves to watch the Wiggles . They tend to be too much for me after a while though . Elizabeth is loving kindergarten . She calls me Mrs . Pike and she raises her hand to ask if she can go to the bathroom . The discipline sheet in Posted by For those who are wondering here is the full story of what 's hapened over the last 24 hours or so here at the Shedd house . Yesterday was a normal day . We went to church . Came home . Took naps ( my favorite part of Sunday afternoon ) . Just had a restful family day . Last night around 8 : 00 Cole was jumping like a mad man which is completely normal for him . He fell and hit his head on a table leg . He laid in the floor and cried and I picked him up and held him . He fell asleep almost immediately which is quite strange for him . He 's slept only in his bed from day one . I held him since I am having a hard time with my baby growing up . I just though he was tired and wanted him Mommy to hold him . We got the kids ready for bed and resumed our normal routine . I went to the bathroom and Jonathan took the kids upstairs to put them to bed . Mr . Cole climbed up on his rocking horse by his bed in an attempt to climb in while Jonathan was helping Sarah . He fell and hit his face on his bed . He has a cut on his eyebrow and one on his cheek . He was really sleepy again then , so we prayed with him real fast and put him to bed . He went right to sleep . Around 10 : 15 I heard him cry out real loud and start making a really strange sound . I went upstairs to check on him and he was having a Grand mal seizure . I rubbed his back and called his name while Jonathan called 911 . When the seizure was over I picked him up and brought him downstairs . We noticed then that he felt feverish . The EMTs arrived and suggested he be taken to Children 's in Birmingham , so he and Jonathan hopped in the ambulance and away they went . I stayed and waited on someone to sit with the girls so they could rest . I had to get gas before starting to Children 's . I drove faster than normal especially in construction zones , but I didn 't go over 80 . I called a friend that is a Respritory Therapist at Children 's and she was waiting for me when I got there . She took me straight to the ER . Jonathan and Cole had been there for a few minutes but hadn 't seen a doctor . She came in and we Posted by Exactly three years ago I was sitting in a hospital room in Cullman , AL starring at my second beautiful daughter . It all started when we were living in Auburn . I wasn 't feeling good and thought I 'd take a pregnancy test . Sure enough we were pregnant . Honestly I think those stinking tests are positive when I take them out of the box . I wasn 't sure what to think Elizabeth was 2 and she and I were starting to get a routine of our own having just moved to Auburn . Jonathan decided not to go back to Smiths Station where he was teaching and coaching , so it was on with the job and housing search yet again . He was offered 2 jobs one at Verbena and one at Rudd Middle School . He took the middle school job and we found a house to rent in Cullman so that we would be close to family . We moved to Cullman in August and we had Sarah Grace in October . Mom and Dad came and spent the night with us the night before we went to the hospital . We let Elizabeth spend some time with them before we took her to her Nanna 's house . I cried like crazy when we left her . I felt terrible . I 'm not sure why . I think I was a little scared about being induced and I guess I felt guilty for leaving her and changing her life . I knew the next time I saw her our family would be different . We were at the hospital before 5am the next morning . I went in and told them that I was checking in to be induced . I think I remember telling them that I was their first victim . We went back and I suited up and got all hooked up then they started the drugs . Everything went so fast that it 's really hard to remember . I know that I went from 4 cm to 8 cm in 30 minutes and from there to delivery in about 15 minutes . Like I said it was really fast . I was glad it was fast because I remember them telling me to roll over . The combination of the petocin and the epidural caused her heart rate to drop . When I rolled over the epidural came out , so from there on it was a very painful experience . I remember thinking that it probably wouldn 't be bad if I had prepared for child birth withPosted by Everyday when I go to work I get hit , kicked , stepped on , bit and even called a poo poo . I work 18 hour days and sometime a few hours at night , but I wouldn 't change my job for anything in the world because I get to be mom . I have stayed at home with my kids for the last 4 years and as time for me to find a job ( if all goes well I should student teach next fall ) I get sadder and sadder . Even though I have LONG hours and don 't ever really have time to relax I have thoroughly enjoyed most all of the last 4 years . Although they are not always little angels I think I have 3 of the best children in the world . With that being said here 's a glimpse of my every day life . The alarm goes off at 5 : 40 am and slowly we roll out of bed . I make muffins or fix some type of breakfast for the kids . Sometimes I fix something for Elizabeth to eat when she gets to school since she goes so early ( she 's usually there by 6 : 45 because she rides with her dad ) . I try with all my might to get them out the door without waking Sarah , but that doesn 't always happen . Most mornings she 's up between 6 and 6 : 30 . We wave bye to Daddy and Elizabeth and we crawl back in bed for a few minutes of rest ( I rest she watches the Wiggles ) . When it 's time for us to get up we get Cole and feed him breakfast . We get ready and on Tuesdays and Thursdays we take Sarah to preschool and head to the gym . Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays we go straight to the gym . When we get home it 's time to clean then lunch and naps . On Tuesdays and Thursdays we pick up Elizabeth from school , so we postpone naps till we get her home . That way all the kids can rest . Nap time is my time to shower , clean and do a little school work . If nobody naps there 's no time for any of that . When nap time is over it 's time to work on supper . After supper it 's time to have quality family time for a while before baths and bed . Of course there 's never a dull moment here . The three little monkeys make sure of that and sometime routine is sometimes thrown right out the window , but that 's our day . In betwPosted by I remember how hard it was to get a picture of Elizabeth when she was smaller . The truth is the more kids you add to the mix the harder it is to get the picture you want unless you want kids with thumbs in their mouth and sippy cups in there face . Here 's proof ! We work so hard to get one good picture of the kids ! I usually shoot videos and then pull out still shots . We went on a Dolphin Cruise with the Cold Mil Fleet . They took two ships out and when one ship found dolphins the other would come along beside it and the dolphins would jump and play in the wake of the boats . It was absolutely amazing . The first dolphins we found did beautiful jumps and while we were trying to find more Cole and Sarah fell asleep . The second set of dolphins did belly flops in the water . I kid you not on the video you can hear the dolphins hit the water ! It was the most amazing thing I 've ever done at the beach ! I would recommend a dolphin cruise to anyone going to the beach . We went to Orange Beach for 3 days and 2 nights . It was so much fun . The kids loved playing in the sand and the gulf . My favorite thing on the beach was watching them sit in the sand right by the shore and squealing with delight as the waves washed over their laps . It was a beautiful few days and we did not want to leave . For almost a year now our Sarah has been saying , " I had a Tinkerbell cake . I was a little baby . " She 's never had one and she has prayed for one since last Christmas , so today we went to Publix and ordered her a Tinkerbell cake for her upcoming 3rd birthday . I 'm excited for her , but sad that all my little babies are growing up . We took Jonathan to the doctor and then went to get something to eat and we put Cole in a high chair . I thought about it and then told Jonathan that this time last year Sarah was in a regular chair . We talked about wanting him to stay a baby for a while , but with his 2nd birthday coming up I don 't think that 's possible . Truth is all my babies are growing up . That 's a sad thing for this momma to admit . I want them to grow up and be men and women of God , but at the same time I want them to need me . I don 't guess I can have my cake and eat it too this time . As is the Yother custom we ate chili on Monday night and headed to the fair . There was a petting zoo that was pretty cute , so we did that and let the kids ride some rides . A great time was had by all I do believe . Here are the pictures . . . . We bought Tooth Fairy pillows for the girls not to long ago thinking that we had lots of time before we would need them . Needles to say we were more than wrong . We went to the fair tonight and the FFA from Thorsby had a petting zoo . At the end of the petting zoo you could pick an apple ( paper apples from a tree , but if you got one of each color they 'd give you a real apple ) . All 3 of my kids came out with apples . We tried to discourage apple eating at the fair since we hadn 't washed them , but sweet Sarah had other plans and when Cole saw her he joined in the apple eating fun . Elizabeth couldn 't be left out , so she had to have her apple too . She said that it was too hard and she couldn 't bite it . I told her to try again and bite harder . She did and I turned around and she was handing me what I thought was a piece of apple . I told her I didn 't want any apple and she said , " No , it 's my tooth , Mommy ! " . Wow ! At this point my head is spinning a bit and I show Jonathan . He was quite puzzled and I told him what it was . Now that it is sinking in I don 't think either one of us like the idea of her growing up like this very much . See yesterday she was just a baby , but with a tooth missing she looks so big . It breaks my heart ! The tooth fairy had to do some making up because she spent all her cash at the fair . I believe she did a good job of covering though . She was so excited and is talking a little funny , but that 's ok . She was a trooper . No crying , no drama , she just said hey , here 's my tooth ! Such a big girl ! I am absolutely terrible because Elizabeth got her first progress report from Kindergarten on Monday and here it is Thursday and I haven 't even mentioned it to grandparents ! Well here it is . In case you can 't read it she was tested on printing her first name , reciting the alphabet , recognizing shapes , counting to 10 , positional words , recognizing colors , conduct and knowing her right and left . She had excellent marks on all except for printing her name . She just had good on that one because she doesn 't keep her letters on the line . We 're working on it though . She seems to be doing really well and her teacher says she is wonderful ! Yesterday I wasn 't feeling very well , but I got up after lunch and started cleaning the kitchen . When Sarah got done she asked for a wipe so she could help . Cole did the same thing . They moped the floor and helped clean the table and the cabinets . It was so nice to have such good little helper . When I really sat down and thought about how hard they worked to help me I almost cried . I was so blessed by them that I won 't mention the fact that after we finished they messed up the computer while I was in the bathroom . Love these little rascals ! Cole and I took Sarah to preschool today and then went to the gym . He had been having some anxiety about me leaving him lately , but today the first day he was there without one of his sisters he didn 't have a problem at all . I asked how he did when I went to get him and they said he had been hitting . Well , I know from when Elizabeth started school that hitting seems to be his way of letting us know he 's having a hard time , so we came home and he fell asleep on me . I NEVER get to hold sleeping babies anymore , so it was really hard to get up and go get Sarah . Mrs . Linda said that Sarah had another good day . I don 't get much information from Sarah though . I asked her what she learned about today and her answer was , " Tinkerbell " . I asked her what her job was and got the same answer . I did manage to get her to tell me that she played outside , but other than that everything was Tinkerbell . She has been singing part of a new prayer she 's learning at preschool though . The only part she remembers is , " Bless it to our bodies " . Works for me though . It just come out as " bess it to our bodies " . Elizabeth seems to be doing really well . She gets her first progress report next week . After her first 2 weeks her teacher sent home some work with a list of things she needed to work on at home and the last time we got a packet of work there were only 3 things to work on , so I guess we 're improving . WARNING ! POTTY TRAINING UPDATE ! ! ! ! DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DON ' T WANT THE INFORMATION AND DON ' T SAY I DIDN ' T WARN YOU ! Sarah Grace has been wearing real panties since she started preschool on Tuesday . I think she 's done pretty good . She had a small accident Tuesday and was good for the rest of the day . She did the same thing Wednesday and was wonderful until she had an accident at church . Today she did good until she pooped in her panties after lunch . We changed panties and have done well ever since . I really think that panties might have been the key . I think she likes it so much better . END POTTY TRAINING UPDATE ! The Shedds are doing well . HopePosted by We 've talked about it for quite some time and it finally came . Today was Sarah 's first day of preschool . Although she hasn 't said too much ( I think she 's really tired ) she really seemed to like it . On the way to preschool she told me that she didn 't want to go . I knew that she was probably a little nervous , so I asked her if she was and she said yes . She asked me to say a prayer and we did and she said that made her feel better . It was her first day in real panties . We 've been working on this for quite some time now and we 're hoping that this step will finally end the potty training process . She was a little wet when we got home , so we changed and seem to be ok . Her teacher said that the only problem was that she wanted to call Sarah by Elizabeth 's name . I think that of all the problems we could have had that will do just fine . Especially since she gets that at home on occasion . I will be honest . I forgot the camera in the midst of the mad rush we have trying to get Elizabeth to kindergarten on time and I hate that . I don 't want Sarah to feel like she isn 't special because she really is . I did take pictures of her on my cell phone before I left her and remembered to take the camera when I went to get her and took pictures then . We 'll just say that I am backwards . The important this is that there are pictures of her first day of preschool . Now , you might ask how I did at home with just one kid . Let me tell you I think I can get used to this ! We had a great time . We read some books and he started talking more which really impressed me . I think this one on one time will help him start talking more . We were reading one of those baby word book which has long since been torn to pieces , but he likes to read the pages that are still in tact . I pointed to the pictures and he said , " cup , spoon , cookie , apple , choo choo , drum , car , ball , duck , toothbrush , hairbrush , and towel " . Some of the words I 've heard him say before , but I was impressed that he told me what they were without help this time . Maybe it 's just the noise in the Posted by Well , Elizabeth is doing very well in Kindergarten . Except for the one time she had to move her card to yellow she has only had green dot days ! We are very proud of her . She seems to be ahead of schedule academically , but needs to work on fine motor stuff like coloring in the lines and using scissors . Sarah Grace went to preschool orientation and I believe she loved it . She wanted to go again on Friday and today , but she only goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays . She has the same teacher that Elizabeth had her first year AND the same cubby . She had a friend from church in her class and I think there are 3 kids from our neighborhood in her class . Cole is still adjusting to Elizabeth being in school . I am hoping that when Sarah Grace starts preschool he will really enjoy some time with just him and Mommy . It 's been a LONG time since I 've just had one baby with me . When Elizabeth started preschool 2 years ago I just had Sarah at home with me , but I was pregnant with Cole and had him in October of that year . Cole got his chin glued this week . We went to McDonald 's after preschool Thursday and the kids were playing after we ate . Cole climbed up into one of the chairs and fell somehow and busted his poor chin on the bricks bellow . I being the weenie I am struggling to wipe his chin because I don 't want to mess up the glue . He has it down his neck , but I don 't want to pick at it because I don 't want him picking at his chin . What 's a mom to do ? Jonathan is away today at his first cross country meet . I think he was excited about it , but it was hard to tell at 5 : 45 am . His cross country kids have been working very hard and I really hope they do well ! He did send me a text that said that they made it to the meet , but that he hit a deer on the way , but missed the turkeys . Apparently they saw some turkeys flying low and one of his kids said that turkeys don 't fly . In the midst of the discussion the deer jumped out and hit the van . HE KILLED BAMBI ! I have been taking Elizabeth to school and going straight to the gym . Cole and Sarah GracPosted by Today was THE DAY . The day that Elizabeth started Kindergarten . All summer long I have absolutely dreaded this day and despite my tireless efforts it came anyway . Last night when putting her to bed I asked if she would laugh at me if I cried when I took her to kindergarten . Of course she told me that she wouldn 't and that she was sure I would be ok . When I was sure all the babes were sleeping I went back upstairs and as I got to the top I could see her sleeping in her bed . I bawled like a baby . I never imagined that any of this would hurt as bad as it is . This morning we got up extremely early . I made chocolate chip muffins and got snacks and all her paper work together . Sarah Grace was already awake , so she went upstairs with me to wake up Elizabeth and Cole . When Elizabeth finally woke up she jumped up and said , " It 's my first day of kindergarten ! " and ran downstairs for breakfast . Cole on the other hand was not so excited to be awoken this early . We had a breakfast , brushed our teeth , fixed our hair , took our first day of school pictures , and headed to Verbena to pick up Daddy so we could all take Elizabeth to kindergarten . She was quite upset when we passed the Annex on our way to Verbena . We picked up Daddy and headed toward the Annex . We all got out and filed in . She hung her snack box up on her hook and we started to look around . We found her name tag and she showed Sarah Grace some things in her classroom . All of a sudden Daddy decided it was time for him to get back to his school . I maintained composure till I got to the van . That 's when Sarah Grace started crying for her " sissy " . There was no holding it back then . We all buckled up and headed to Verbena to drop Daddy off . By the way he laughed at me for crying . We left him at Verbena and the babies and I headed to the playroom at Cornerstone and this made Sarah Grace feel much better . After getting my bootay kicked I got the kids and headed home . At this point I feel emotionally drained , but physically I 'm feeling pretty good . Lunch time however was a diffTechy Teacher Seems like all I did was turn around and already it 's the middle of July . The 21st of June was Elizabeth 's 5th birthday . I 'm still not ok with it and don 't know that I will be . We took her and her brother and sister to Chuck E . Cheese for her birthday so we could celebrate with Nanna , Grammy , Peepaw , Grandpa Ed , Grandma Sue , Nandie and Michael . The kids had a BLAST ! The 26th was her birthday party and she had lots of friends to come and celebrate . She had a princess cake ( of course ) and although it was outside and very hot a quick rain shower cooled us off . The kids ran up and down the stairs and played on the swing set . She got lots of wonderful presents . Elizabeth and Sarah Grace have each spent some time at their Nanna 's house . They always come back rotten . Cole will have his turn later on . Grandpa Shedd passed away , so we had to make a surprise trip to Cullman . We did however get to see Popaw ( Shedd 's dad that lives in Utah ) . The kids and I met Grammy and Peepaw in Montgomery for a swim last week and the girls stayed the night in the hotel with them . They had a night swim and slept very well . The next day they came and picked me and Coley up for a trip to TN . Shedd had a coach 's conference in Huntsville , so he come up to get us . That brings us back to today . We are finally all together again in TN , but we are also very tired . We miss our beds and just being " the 5 Shedds " . Summer seems to have gone by entirely too fast . Elizabeth starts Kindergarten August 9th and in September Sarah Grace will start preschool . On Tuesday and Thursday mornings it will just be me and my Coley . We won 't even know how to act . As crazy as this summer seems to have been I know that as these rascals grow up it will only get crazier , but I wouldn 't change it for anything in the world . I love these rascals ! Meal times are always interesting here at the Shedd house . We eat all of our meals around the table for whoever is here . Most of the time during the day it 's me and the kids , but yesterday Jonathan was here to join in the fun . I don 't even remember what we ate , but I remember hearing Sarah Grace sing , " Glory . Glory . Hallelujah . Thank you for the cross . " And somehow we got to Elizabeth saying , " Anybody need a knuckle sandwich because I 'm ready to make a delivery . " I don 't know how we got there , but we all laughed . Sometimes I don 't see how we entertained ourselves before these kiddos ! Five years ago I was sitting in our apartment in the back of Cascade Market when I started getting pains in my back . Around 10 I decided I should go on and try to get some rest . My loving husband was up playing X Box at the time . I 'm not sure when he came to bed , but I was still awake and was in pain . I remember going on the front doors of the market ever so quietly and sitting on a bench outside and calling my mom . I think this was around 1 am . I told her that my back was really starting to hurt and asked her what I should to . She told me to go to the hospital . I went back inside and woke my loving husband who proceeded to get on to me telling me that he 'd only been in bed for an hour . I told him that I was very sorry , but that I thought I was in labor and needed to go to the hospital . We drove to Bedford County Medical Center where it was confirmed that I was in labor and far enough along to admit . I remember the nurse coming in and telling me that there was someone there to see me . When she told me it was my parents I told her to go tell my father that he drove too fast . I went upstairs and they started my IV and not long after that my brother got there . As soon as he walked in the door I was sick to my stomach . I threw up and my brother left the room quickly . I think he told me later that he went outside to lay on the grass . I remember the nurses telling me to get some rest . I don 't understand why they tell you this . You 're in labor and rest is not exactly an option . I do remember watching everyone else in the room sleep though . I did my best to try , but I don 't think it worked very well . I remember being moved to the labor room and getting my epidural . From there things seemed to move fast . I asked for ice chips at some point , but did not get to eat them because it was time to push . The doctor told the Labor and Delivery nurse that she wanted the head of the baby to be partially out before she was page to come up . We got the that point and the nurse told me to quit pushing . I did and the call was made . She tPosted by As a mom one of the first major purchases you make for your child is a baby bed . This is apparently one choice that I absolutely stink at . Poor little Cole 's bed was recalled . This was the bed that we bought before we had Elizabeth , so it 's been around . Even Sarah Grace slept in it . We wanted to keep it , but had to turn it in to get a new one since the mattress supports could break and cause some serious damage . If he didn 't jump in that bed like a little monkey I wouldn 't have taken it in ! I managed to get his bed into manageable pieces and get it down stairs and in the van . We got out money and picked up a new bed . By 3 : 15 groceries were put away , lunch had been consumed , the bed was put together courtesy of my own skills of course and Cole was asleep on the couch ! I really like his new bed , but I really don 't think he cares too much one way or the other . Sarah Grace 's bed completely fell apart on me . The bracket that holds the mattress supports to the bed ( which is metal ) snapped in two and broke the mattress support . I am currently going rounds with the manufacturer trying to get the parts . They first told me I would have to pay for the parts . I then went online and found that the parts in question had been recalled . Yes I picked out 2 beds that have recalls in one form or another . I called the company back and told them that I had found the parts I needed had been recalled . After much conflict I was told to email the parts department . They want me to purchase the mattress support bar that broke as a result of the faulty bracket . I say no way . It broke when the support broke ! Today I found that another part of her bed has been recalled as well . What a day ! This past week went by so fast I think my head is still spinning . Jonathan hurt his knee dancing at a wedding and it 's gotten progressively worse . Monday he went to see the orthopedic who sent him to have an MRI done the next day . We got the results from that Wednesday and scheduled surgery on Thursday . Cole got really sick Wednesday night and I had to take him to the ER . He slept downstairs with us which meant that I go NO sleep . Thursday was surgery day and there was no rest there , but Jonathan got a good nap . They fixed the tear in his meniscus and drilled holes in his femur to set up scar tissue . In layman 's terms he 's on crutches for 3 - 4 weeks and can 't put any weight on his left leg . He also got a shot in his right leg because he 's getting old ( cortisone for arthritis ) . I don 't think we 'll be doing any more dancing for a while . Cole is doing much better . He had a great day Thursday and has done really good since . I registered Elizabeth for Kindergarten Friday . Still can 't believe that we 're ready for that . Maybe it 's just me that isn 't ready for that . Sarah Grace is getting ready for preschool ! Two mornings a week it will be just me and Cole ! I have no clue how to act with just one kid , but I guess we 'll figure it out together . The patient ( Jonathan ) is doing well . He 's sore from just using his right leg , but he 's ok . Apparently there 's little pain unless Cole smacks his knee . I 'm looking forward to getting Jonathan off crutches as soon as possible . I don 't like doing bath time and bed time by myself ! We 've been a busy little family the last few weeks . What a busy few weeks it 's been around here . I 'm working on my Masters in Special Ed and it seems like I doing something with that every day , which I guess is how it should be when you 're in school . We went to a wedding a few weeks ago and then went to visit some friends . While at their house my purse was stolen . I finally got replacement social security cards figured out and got a new license yesterday ! It was a busy day in itself . We 've visited kindergarten , been to the zoo , gotten shots and worked desperately on several projects in the back yard . We got a swing set for the kids . I don 't know if you 've ever put one of these together or not , but it 's much more worth it to pay someone to come do it . We didn 't have all the parts we needed , but as of now the slide and the swings are functional and that 's all the kids really care about ! We got a table and chairs for outside with a " bigella " or umbrella as most people would say . We also got several flowers to plant and a fountain . Long story short we 're skipping church tonight to try to get everything finished before everyone comes in for Elizabeth 's last preschool program tomorrow . By the way if anyone has any medication that might help keep me from crying my eyes out throughout the program please send it my way . I 'm still having trouble with it . We 've been so busy in the mornings that I haven 't been able to go to the gym , so when I go to Tennessee with the kids this weekend I 'll need a good run ! Hope all is well with you ! God Bless ! The Shedds I took Elizabeth to school today and received her last preschool calendar . Every time I think about her being in Kindergarten I want to cry , but today I did . I 'm sure there 's much more of this to come with us touring Kindergarten next week and her final preschool program coming up and then her last day of preschool . I know for a fact there are many more tears to come in the next few weeks and then in August when I take her to Kindergarten for the first time . I guess I didn 't realize that it would all happen so fast . All of a sudden it all seems like a blur and even though I stay at home I feel as though I 've missed it . I know that I haven 't because I 've been here day in and day out in happy times and times I thought I really needed medication . But Kindergarten ! Seems like her going to school should still be so far off and like a friend of mine said in her blog not to long ago I feel like Kindergarten leads to her getting her driver 's license , going to college , getting married and her having babies of her own and it all seems to be happening so fast . It 's not like my preschool days are over . I still have Sarah Grace and Cole to go , so you 'd think I 'd be ok with this and for the most part I " play it cool " like I am , but truth is I 'm not ! I never thought I 'd be like this by Elizabeth since I had 2 more " babies " at home with me , but apparently someone told them it was ok for them to grow up too ! Seems like yesterday I was fixing bottles and staying up all night feeding babies . Now I wake up at 6 : 30 am to the sound of Sarah Grace and Cole jumping up and down in their beds and laughing and I think about how blessed I am to have these 3 kids . I never asked for them . I never decided I was ready to have babies , but the Lord had other plans . He saw it fit for me to have them and I guess He will see me through , but that isn 't making it any easier for me right now . I know that I am blessed to have them I just wish they wouldn 't grow up so fast ! I have been constantly reminded at how much my children are growing up lately . I don 't know for sure what started it , but all of a sudden it seems like there kids and not babies . Maybe it 's the length of the girls ' ponytails or the length of Cole 's hair . Maybe it 's their vocabulary or the timing of their jokes , but these kids are really growing up . Cole loves to play basketball ( ba ball ) outside . He constantly asks for you to hold him up so he can shoot . This is Sarah Grace with her baby . It 's really a baseball bat which upset her sister because she wanted to play baseball . And last but not least is my big girl , Elizabeth . I can hardly believe that she 'll be in kindergarten next year . It just doesn 't seem right . I remember holding her when she was just born . The last 4 ( almost 5 ) years have absolutely flown by . Like I said they 've really grown . I love them even though they 're growing though . |
I am a girl who fell in love , got married and wanted to have a regular ol ' ordinary family . What I ended up getting was everything but . This blog chronicles our journey as a family who was blessed with a very special child . From the day we found out that she had only a 5 % chance of living to the present , life has been a true roller coaster of emotions . And most surprisingly , more rewarding than I ever thought possible . We invite each fan of Harlie to join the following initial crew members and commit to make a monthly contribution to The Harlie Fund . * Roger Smith DR Racing * The Lawyers and staff of Kane , Jeffries , Cooper & Carollo , LLP * Anonymous ff * Richard and Sophie Tangard * Henry Briggs , RealtorWith Christy 's willingness to share , we have worried about , prayed for and rejoiced in the accomplishments of a remarkable girl . The members of The Harlie Crew together show their support by contributing monthly . If you would like to join us , please call Bill Jeffries at ( 804 ) 288 - 1672 . Okay , I was rushed when I was writing that last post . One thing that struck me about most of my Thursday is how lucky I am . I hear a lot of nice things about how I keep it together and that I do a good job . But , really , I am lucky a lot . Some times things just go the way they are supposed to - despite my efforts to force it a different way . And it was a good day to illustrate the emotional roller coaster that is the life of raising a child with special needs . I was SAD ( and crying , something I rarely do ) by 9 freaking am . And just a few minutes later , I was THRILLED to hear that I shouldn 't have taken her to that appointment anyway . Then I was happy for a couple of hours . Then when Terri reminded me of our next appointment , I was so relieved she reminded me ! Can you imagine if we totally forgot ? Then I panicked . There was no way I was going to make it in time ! Then I was thrilled that I got lucky , yet again , that the appointment time had changed ( that never happens ) ! Not to mention that I 'm already on emotional overdrive with this surgery ( and at the time , the trip up here ) totally on my mind . We got home right at 3pm and Terri had to leave . But I had some other errands to run . So , I put the kids back in the car and we went back to the pediatrician 's office to pick up more scripts I forgot . With ADD meds you have to go and pick up a script each month and take it to the pharmacy . Of course I totally forgot to get them when we were there earlier . But , on a positive note , they are now on the same schedule . So , that takes out one trip each month . By the time all was done , it was late in the afternoon and I still had not packed the boy 's stuff for their trip the next day . On Friday morning Tom was driving them halfway to Pittsburgh to meet his Mom and Cal so they could take the boys home with them for the next week or so . It was a hectic day ! I was looking SO forward to going out with some friends that night for some laughs and drinks . We were supposed to meet at 7 : 30 . But , by the time I got the boys all packed up , itAnyway , I had a GREAT time out with my girl friends . After , ahem , a few drinks , we actually danced . I haven 't danced in years . We had a blast . I keep looking at this picture , and smiling . Another example of why I feel so lucky . I am so loved , by some wonderful people . Thank you so much for a great night , and great memories ! So , that was Thursday . Friday was okay . I wasn 't feeling 100 % well ( not surprised , are you ? ) So , it was a bit of a struggle . At almost 11am , Tom came home and loaded up the boys to meet his mom . I was definitely not looking forward to saying goodbye . As much as they drive me crazy , I don 't want to be away from them . And Cooper seems to love me so much . How 's he going to survive without me ? He 's only four ! But , they were SO freaking excited to go that I couldn 't be but so sad . Two nights without them in the house . Weird . Tom had a date night planned for that night . I don 't talk much about how much of a strain stress can be on our marriage . We are happy , most of the time . But this week was hell . Seriously . Monday night was Murphy 's swim meet ( we were both out , but not together ) . Tuesday night I had my hair cut ( I was gone ) . Wednesday night was our special needs sibling night ( I take Murphy to meet some other special moms and their kids who have special needs siblings , so I was gone ) . Thursday night was girl 's night ( I was gone again ) . So , we saw each other very little . And that just makes it worse . Plus we are in the middle of renovating our old playroom into my new office ! Woohoo ! We took out the carpet and had hardwoods installed . Tom went and picked up the hardwood material and let it acclimate for a few days . The installer was scheduled for Tuesday , I think . Then Tom pulled out a piece of wood and saw that it wasn 't the right material . Of course . So , he had to reload it in his truck and return it . Then order the correct material . Then bring it home , unload it and let it acclimate for a few days . So , it was finally installed on Friday and Saturday . And wouldn 't you know that he ran out of wood before he could finish ? Just six more pieces is allChristy xo At 7 : 30am , I went to wake Harlie for her dentist appointment and her eyes are glued shut . I know what that means - pink eye . No problem . That 's easy . Drops and that doesn 't lead to respiratory stuff . We 're good ! ! ! Clean her eyes with a warm washcloth a few times and get her up . I called Brandy to tell her we shouldn 't do something together today because she probably doesn 't want her daughter to get pink eye . While talking to her , Harlie brings me baby powder . Sometimes she wants me to put it on her , um , area , if you know what I mean . Since I was on the phone , she didn 't exactly have my 100 % attention . I take the bottle , squirt a little on and go back to doing whatever I was doing . Next thing I know , Harlie comes to me upset , points to her area and signs " hurt . " I look at the powder more closely and realize it 's medicated powder with cooling stuff . Oh no . I put her on the potty and pour water over her and ask her if it 's better . No , it wasn 't . I do that a few times , but that 's not working . So I had to put her in the bath tub . That did the trick . But , this whole thing has cost us valuable time . I asked her if she wanted to go to the dentist and she said yes . You might remember what happened the last time we went to the dentist . So I told her we had to hurry . Which , for her , she did . By the time I got her in the car it was 8 : 30am and that is when my appointment was . So , I called the dentist to let them know I was running 15 to 20 minutes late . Big mistake . Or so I thought at the time . The receptionist told me that they were going to have to reschedule her . What ? ! I was in shock . I explained that we didn 't have time to reschedule because she was having jaw distraction surgery next week and we are leaving on Sunday . She actually said , " Okay ! " And fully expected that to be that , end of conversation . Now , I get it . It was MY mistake . Our life is crazy , and I rarely get anywhere on time . If you only knew how hard I try ! But , still ! Can 't they work with me ? So , I ask her to please just check with the dentist , to be sure . She returns to the phone and says , " Dr . Bortell said she would be happy to accommodate you if someone cancels . " Seriously ? She might have thought that was polite , but I certainly didn 't hear it that way . I then tell her that probably isn 't going to work because she has an appointment with her cardiologist in the afternoon . She does NOT care . I hang up . After a few minutes I remember that I waited in Dr . Bortell 's waiting room for OVER AN HOUR just a few weeks ago . So , how is it that I can 't be 15 to 20 minutes late ? That doesn 't seem right to me . And then I thought of how much time I have spent waiting for doctors in waiting rooms in the last seven years of my life . Then I started to get a little sad . Sometimes , I just can 't believe this is our life . So , I turn the car around and go back home . I get Harlie in the house and I can feel like I 'm going to cry . So I go upstairs and call her pediatrician to see if they can see her for her pink eye . After that my friend Jennifer happened to call . And as soon as she asked me what was going on , I started to cry . I don 't cry often . Thank goodness . I mean , who likes to do that ? But , in this case , I just couldn 't help it . I just don 't understand why everything has to be so hard . Jennifer said she didn 't know . But , it 's true . Everything is really hard for us . Then she said that if it meant anything , we 've been doing a great job and that if she were me , she would have been in the loony bin a long time ago . At least my friends get my sense of humoSo , I hang up with her and I put Harlie right back in the car and go to see her ped . When we pulled in the parking lot , she said , " Mama ! and then pointed to her teeth . I took a deep breath and told her that the dentist couldn 't see her today . She seemed okay and didn 't " say " anything else about it . I would give anything to have a conversation with her . Anyway , her doc and I chat . I mention the dentist thing . And he reminded me that she needs a prophylactic ( preventive antibiotics ) before any dental work because of her heart defects . He said that he thought I should steer clear from any dental work before major oral surgery . He said that would be asking for trouble . Thank you Dr . Derco ! ! He totally turned my day around ! I left there and went to CVS to get her pink eye prescription filled . Then we went home . In my ever quest to do something fun with the kids this week , Terri and I loaded them all in the car and went to the bank . We have been meaning to take Murphy 's piggy bank money to the bank to get cash for him to be able to deposit and / or spend . Murphy had fun putting the coins in the machine . While doing that we found a bag of gift cards that he had not used yet . Awesome ! After that , we went to Toys R Us so he could use his gift cards and some of his own money to buy something he wanted . I told the kids they could each pick out one thing . Murphy and Cooper left with one thing each and Harlie left with three . Ugh . I promise I don 't mean it . But , I think the boys know how I feel sometimes . They didn 't say ONE word about it . They were all happy and that 's all that matters . We spent some time walking around in there . Murphy had no trouble making his selection . He knew exactly what he wanted - a Stars Wars Lego set . Cooper choose a Lego Chima Hero Factory guy . Harlie picked a Boo doll ( the girl from Monsters , Inc . ) and a Lalaloopsy set that was a girl " patient " and her pet , complete with a stethoscope and medicine and a cast for their legs . It 's actually really cute . And another little Monsters University thing that came with the purchase of the Boo doll . She has only played with the Lalaloopsy set , so I 'm going to take the Boo doll back . She 's still in her box . It was 12 : 15 when we left Toys R Us . So , we went to Chick - fil - A to get lunch . The place was so busy you couldn 't get in the drive through without blocking traffic . So I parked and left Terri in the car with the kids . When the guy brought out my food , it was pretty obvious I couldn 't carry it all . He immediately offered to walk it to my car for me . Can you believe that ? I told him I was pretty far away , but he said that was fine . He was super nice . So , I get in my car and start driving home . And Terri looks at the clock - it is now 12 : 36 - and says , " You have a doctor 's appointment in less than an hour ! " ACK ! ! ! I already completely forgot about the cardiology appointment ! I am such a space cadet sometimes . The appointment was originally for 1pm , but the office called back later to say they had to move it to 1 : 30 . Whew ! Good thing ! We rush home and try to eat quickly . And I spend 30 minutes trying to open Harlie 's Lalaloopsy package . Grrrrr ! And Jennifer calls again to ask me what I 'm doing around 3 : 45 . Can you believe that she called her kid 's dentist and got Harlie an appoinment for 3 : 45 ? Sometimes I 'm overwhelmed by how good my friends are to me . She said that she felt so bad for me earlier and she had to do something to help . But I told her that we couldn 't do it after all . BUT , I am totally switching to her dentist . I cannot go back to ours again . By the time we turn around and get back in the car , it is freaking 1 : 30 ! ! ! ! I 've done it AGAIN ! So , I take a risk , and call the office to let them know . Despite my earlier " lesson " with the dentist , I think it 's still right to call and let them know . I got the same person I made the appointment with the day before . She said , " You are good ! Your appointment is for 1 : 45 . Didn 't you get my message ? " I could have sworn she said 1 : 30 ( so did Terri ) but I will take that stroke of good luck for sure ! So , now I was ON TIME ! ! ! Woohoo ! ! ! Everything was fine there . It was a funny appointment . I love her cardiologist . He offers me great advice in many areas of Harlie 's issues . B ~ Christy xo So , after much consideration , we 've decided that a trip to Chuck E . Cheeses is out of the question . Sometimes I just want to be normal . I wish I didn 't have to consider such great consequences to typical activities . It sucks . But going to a place where many kids frequent is just too risky . Today 's fun activity ? Didn 't happen . It ended up being a rather crazy day . I took Murphy to swim practice and while he was swimming I went for a walk / run . It was great . It was hard , and that part wasn 't fun . But , it was great to be able to walk / run and not have back pain . It was super hot and my legs felt like lead . But I did it . My contact in Boston called today . She 's been so helpful . The first time we spoke she told me that all the pre - authorizations have been taken care of . Awesome . And she mentioned something about medical reports from the last visits to Harlie 's cardiologist and pulmonologist . Well , she last saw her cardiologist last June , which was before her last jaw surgery , so they already have those reports . But , she called later in the day to tell me that they want her to see her cardiologist again , before she has surgery . We leave on Sunday . Today is Wednesday . That gives us two days . Hmmm . It 'll take a miracle . So , I call her cardiologist 's office and can you believe that she now has an appointment for tomorrow afternoon ? Wow . So tomorrow Harlie has a dentist appointment in the morning and a cardiology appointment in the afternoon . There 's your fun , kids ! Right now , I have too serious of thoughts on my mind to be a fun mom . It 's hard to let all the responsibilities go to let loose . Especially when you have to worry about germs and her getting sick right before the big day . I wish I had thought of this sooner . But the perfect thing for her would be one of those inflatable water slides . We could put it in our driveway and the kids could have fun without germ worries . And she could play for five minutes or two hours - whatever she was up to . Darn it . Okay , that 's it for tonight . Thanks ! A week has passed since my last blog post . For some reason , the words are not coming so easily . One , I don 't feel as mentally healthy as I would like . In addition to not being able to blog like I would like ( my therapy ) I 've been unable to do anything physical due to my back issues . Grrr ! More on that later . . . Two , I 'm in focus mode now . Which I think is kinda like auto pilot . I can 't believe it , but surgery is just one week from tomorrow ( Wednesday ) . The boys are headed to Grandma 's on Friday and we are headed to Boston on Sunday ( pre - op is on Monday ) . So , I 've had to narrow my focus to just this week . I went through my " to do " notebook last night ( Monday night ) . I ended up creating two new lists . One that has to be done ( okay , should have been done ) at some point in the near future . For example , " write thank you notes . " Yes , I still want to thank you . But , with everything going on this week , that 's not going to happen . Again . I 'm really sorry . And one list of items that MUST be done THIS week . So far , there are 16 items on my list . Today I accomplished three of them . Progress ! Well , that 's not totally true . Not written on my list ( but probably should be ) is to do something " fun " each day . Unfortunately , I have nothing planned for tomorrow . That will have to be done on the fly . Yesterday we went to the movies to see Monsters University . Loved it ! And the kids did , too . Harlie knew we were going in the afternoon , so in the morning she wanted to watch Monsters , Inc . So cute ! Since it just came out on Saturday , the theater was pretty crowded . I 'm always nervous that we 're going to have to suction Harlie during the movie . We 've only taken her to see a few movies and so far we 've been lucky . I 've had to suction her before , but it 's been during a loud part in the movie and I don 't think it was noticeable . But , yesterday , it was during a more quiet scene . Crap . I know some trach moms would argue for taking Harlie out of the theater to suction . But , when she needs to be suctioned , she can be pretty loud . And most people don 't understand what they 're hearing or what 's " wrong " with her . So , I think ( in this case especially since we were in the middle of a crowded row ) that removing her while she sounded like that would have been a far worse distraction ( or annoyance ) to others than just taking the five seconds to turn the machine on and get it done . But , regardless , I still cringed . I don 't want to disturb others , I promise ! But , it is her airway . And honestly , Cooper was worse . Every five minutes he was asking me ( without using his quiet voice ) for " MORE POPCORN , PLEASEAnyway , today was less embarrassing ( I hope ) . We went to the pool . Everyone 's a loud mess at the pool , so we should be good there . Tomorrow . . . I don 't know yet . Thursday , I think we 're going to go to Chuck E . Cheeses . Every time the commercial comes on for that place Harlie goes , " Mama ! " points to the TV and signs " car . " She 's been doing this for the past year . She 's never been . So , as much as it pains me to go to that germ ridden place . . . I think I have to take her . That is how guilty I feel about what the next six to seven weeks are going to be like for her . I really think it 's the least I could do . So , we 'll take tons of hand sanitizer and hope for the best . I hope I don 't regret it . Oh ! Since I blogged last , I heard from Harlie 's pulmonologist about her lung CT scan . Here 's the summary from the radiologist 's report : Somewhat limited examination due to patient 's inability to cooperate for high resolution CT . However study actually does show that there is no significant bronchiectasis in this patient . There may be very minimal bronchiectasis in the right lower lobe medially . There does appear to be some degree of chronic lung disease but it is markedly improved compared to 2007 . Hyperinflation of the right upper lobe possibly due to some minimal narrowing of the right upper lobe bronchus near its origin . There are large vessels in the right hilum and superior mediastinum in this patient with extensive heart disease . So , overall , a pretty good report . Of course I 'm aware that to some people , reading this about your child could be quite upsetting - but my perspective is SO out of whack . In 2007 , she had most of her right lung removed ( it wasn 't really lung , it was a mass of some kind ) . So , it is wonderful to read that her chronic lung disease is markedly improved . Of course the use of the words , may , possibly , and somewhat seem a bit non - committal in a medical report . I don 't know that it answers the question of why she needed oxygen so much in the past six months . It would be nice if a summary of the report in layman 's terms was provided . Moving on . . . My back really changed things the last few weeks . Last week , I knew I had to be smart about making sure I did everything I could to help my back get better , faster . Sitting unsupported ( a seat with no back ) was the worst . I was better if I was moving or laying down . So , I saw my chiropractor a few times . And I laid down every chance I could get and iced my back as much as I could . This made me very unproductive last week . But , it paid off in the pain department . I am MUCH better now ! This morning I took Rooney for a long walk and did some light running when Rooney would allow . And I am so happy that I felt no pain ! I am going to play it very safe though , and take it slow in getting back to my old running / TRX routines . But just knowing that things are better have already lifted my spirits . Great timing , too ! I 'll end this post with some recent pics . . . Okay , maybe this one isn 't so recent . This one is from June 1 . It was Cooper 's last soccer game . I don 't think I ever blogged about it . Oh , maybe I did - he scored a goal in his last game . Did I already talk about it ? Oh well , sorry if I did ! Rooney , helping me with the laundry . He 's such a good dog . We met some friends at the pool for dinner . Harlie 's not the most affectionate kid , so this is a rare , wonderful moment . I love our walks in the evenings with the dog and the kids riding their bikes ( except for Harlie , of course ) . I think it 's safe to say that the kids like them , too . Just look at how happy Harlie is . . . Did I mention that Cooper learned to ride a bike ( without training wheels ) recently ? Oh , I am such a bad mom sometimes ! Well , he did and he 's doing great ! He 's the most polite kid sometimes . He can 't quite get started by himself yet , he still needs a push . And he is so quick to say , " Thanks , Mom ! " every time . And he 's so genuine when he says it . It 's so cute . And while riding it the other day he said , " Mom , I really love my new bike . Thanks for getting it for me ! " It 's a hand - me - down , but he doesn 't care ! Okay , that 's it for now . Thanks for reading ! I took Harlie to school since Terri had the day off . I had a cart with wheels full with the suction machine , my bag , Harlie 's lunch box ( if only it had a normal lunch in it ! ) and her backpack . Then I carried her oxygen tank . Our whole morning is upended when I have to leave with her shortly after 7am . By the time I got her to school and unloaded everything , I was already exhausted . And I wasn 't the one on oxygen . Sometimes I wonder if I push her too hard . I definitely looked at the cart and then her and thought , " What am I doing to her ? " Yet , as you can see in the picture , she 's still happy . I don 't get it . But I am grateful for her ability to find happiness in the little things , despite the big things that suck . That 's my girl ! Cooper finished swim lessons at Aqua Tots . No , he cannot swim independently - yet . But he had so much fun trying . Every time his head came out of the water , he was smiling . Friday , June 14 The last day of school for the kids . Murphy was very sad to say good - bye to his third grade teacher , Mrs . York . She is so wonderful . She was Teacher of the Year this year and it was so deserved . Murphy was especially sad because Mrs . York is moving to a different school due to redistricting . Mrs . York , we will miss you ! And Harlie had a fun last day . Here is a picture of her and one of her favorite friends on the last day of school . Just get a look at that smile on her ! This kid is so good to her ! He gave her his piggy bank at the We Heart Harlie event , and his dad told me that he insisted on going to her event vs . a birthday party he was invited to . Love his priorities ! And he brought her roses on the last day of school ! Love him ! Yes , she was still on oxygen on and off that day . But , she 's off now ! Tonight will be the second night without it . Woohoo ! It had been 10 days since I last ran . You might remember that I pulled a muscle in my back during our trip to DC . I get so cranky when I don 't run for that long . I need my stress outlets - NEED them - and if I can 't blog , or run , I definitely feel " off " and more easily sad . Nine days after pulling that muscle , I grew impatient and tried to run . Big mistake . BIG . Mistake . I didn 't get very far ( like a quarter of a mile ) and had to walk home . So , that put me back a ways in my recovery . And I am now paying the price . It hurts to do anything . So , now I 'm even MORE crabby than I was before ! This sucks really bad since we are just TWO weeks away from Boston . And there is NO way I am going to an airport , getting on a plane , spending all day in the hospital for pre - op stuff , then spending the following x amount of days in the hospital - with Harlie and NO iPad . Which means we have to replace / repair it . Clearly , we will invest in a cover that cannot be removed easily by the children Cooper . And I will have to adjust some media rules around here . Of course adjusting the rules isn 't the hard part . It 's the enforcing them . Later that night we had Murphy 's second swim meet . God bless that little guy - swimming does not come easily to him . Last week he came in dead last in 50 freestyle . Since he just turned nine , he moved up into the next age bracket and now he has to swim 50 meters . After he got out of the water he asked , " Mom , what place did I come in ? " Um , considering no one was in the water , that would be last , son . He was unfazed . This week he swam in two events - 50 freestyle and 50 breaststroke . His freestyle was way better than last week 's . And when he walked up to me fresh out of the water , he said proudly , " Mom , I beat one person ! " Now that 's progress ! He did great with his breaststroke , except he touched the wall at the turn with only one hand , so that disqualified him . But , if it weren 't for that he would have finished in the middle of that heat . If he could just get the diving thing down pat , he 'd be way better off . Tuesday , June 18 Harlie had her second CT scan in just under one month . I hope it was worth the radiation exposure ! I don 't know when I 'll get the results . Hopefully soon . She was such a champ . She walked right in and knew exactly what to do . She told Terri to take off her hearing aids ( because that 's what she had to do last time ) . The only thing she couldn 't do was hold her breath . They wanted her to do that for part of the scan . But , she doesn 't know how to do that . So , that didn 't happen . Hopefully we will still get some good info . Okay , those are the highlights for now . Reactions : I 'm going to try to make this quick . . . it is already super late and I have another long day tomorrow . A couple of posts ago I mentioned that Harlie had been coughing up some bright red blood and blood clots . Well , I ended up emailing her pulmonologist . He was thinking maybe it was bronchiectasis and suggested a CT scan of her chest . That is now scheduled for June 18 . Since then , the blood has come and gone . And then partially come back again . He also offered antibiotics . But , since she was acting fine ( blood was the only sign that anything was amiss ) , and we haven 't confirmed diagnosis , I really was hesitant to start her on antibiotics . She 's been on so many . And they usually wreak havoc on her GI system . So , I held off , waiting for another sign to tip me in that direction . Sunday morning was kind of rough . She had a really barky sounding cough . She kept on pointing to her trach ( sort of like she does when she 's telling me she needs to be suctioned ) . And she went around and opened all of her drawers with medical supplies in them , clearly looking for something . She has never done that before ( except to get a q - tip out or something ) . I wondered if she was trying to tell me she wanted a trach change . Maybe her upper airway was swollen , reducing her air leak around the trach , thereby reducing her normal air flow . So , I showed her a new trach and she said , " yea " and then went and laid down on the bed so I could change it . Crazy ! She was fine the rest of the day . But , Sunday night , her sats started to drop while she was sleeping . We went on ahead and turned on the oxygen . She was wide awake at 4am and there was a problem with the equipment . So , I had to get Tom up to help me figure it out . We 're pretty positive that she never fell back asleep . She was up way before her normal time and she was itching to get out of bed . She was playful , happy and ready to go to school . But , she seemed tired once there . And she had developed a wheeze when inhaling . That you could hear while standing next to her . So , I went and picked herI asked her if she felt good or well and she answered , " well . " Then she signed " better . " So , I took her off the oxygen so we could all go for a walk with the dog . There is something about that activity that I love . We took Rooney off his leash to let him run around a bit and Harlie got out of her chair and " ran " around a bit , too . She seemed perfectly fine and well , and was super playful and happy . But her nails were kinda blue . We didn 't take the oxygen with us . Since Cooper rode his bike without training wheels ( he just learned a few weeks ago and hasn 't been able to ride lately ) we went to Bruster 's for ice cream . Harlie licked / ate more of her ice cream cone than ever before . Maybe 10 - 15 licks instead of her normal 2 . So , again , how sick can she be ? ? ? We got home and her sats were in the low 70s . Ugh . So , now we have pretty much the same situation we had in the winter . She appears to be fine , yet her sats are in the tank . What gives ? Well , no one knows . Her pulm told me that a chest CT scan is the equivalent of 50 chest x - rays . Considering she just had a CT scan a few weeks ago , that seems like a lot of radiation in a short period of time . So , since the blood appeared to be going away , he was thinking it wasn 't worth the radiation . However , now I am thinking it is . This whole oxygen thing while appearing to be perfectly fine is really bothering me . Is there something else that 's causing this that a CT will show ? She hasn 't had a chest CT in years and years and years . It might be helpful to see what 's going on in there . But , unfortunately , that 's not going to help her get to school - and stay there - for her LAST week ! ! ! It kills me to think she could miss the last freaking week of school . Terri ( her nurse ) is off tomorrow . So , now I 'm trying to decide what to do with her . Take her with oxygen ? Keep her home ? I DON ' T KNOW WHAT TO DO ! ! ! There is no easy answer . I guess I 'll have to wait and see how she does tonight , and how she looks / acts in the morning . I am not a happy camper right now . I just want her to be wThanks ! Yesterday was Harlie 's GI appointment in DC . We scheduled this months ago . But despite having plenty of advanced notice , it was still a crazy morning , with last minute arrangements being made for the boys . Cooper is home all day . And he has swimming lessons in the middle of the day . And then Murphy has swim team practice in the afternoons , after he gets home from school . The logistical issues were car seats , transportation to and from , care in the morning , care in the afternoon . Arrangements made in advance changed due to circumstances out of my control . No one person could do it all . So , I had to piece it all together using several different people . It was crazy . And I hate logistics . Thank you so much to my Mom , Bethany and Kayla ! Life savers ! Anyway , the point of the appointment was to follow - up on the bleeding incident that happened back in February . To recap quickly , Harlie had some ( a lot , rather ) bleeding during a bowel movement , which lead me to take her to the ER . The GI doc that was attending that night , did not come to see her , but admitted her and ordered a bowel prep ( clean out ) so he could scope her in the morning . He came by in the morning for about two minutes . I never had a conversation with him . Never . In fact , one memory stands out in my mind . . . as soon as he got to her bedside , the first thing he did was turn to her nurse and ask why Harlie was there . Meaning , why was she in the step down unit vs . on the floor ( he sounded annoyed ) . I remember thinking , um , hello ? I 'm over here . Hi , to you , too . And then I thought , why does he care where she is ? She 's here because of her trach , but whatever . Was the unit she was in further from where he normally travels ? Is it not a place he likes to go ? Is it more expensive than the floor ? I don 't know . I just remember it annoying me that that was his first concern . He left and never returned . All communication was through various residents . I would ask them a question ( s ) and then they would page him . He would call back , answer the question ( s ) and then they would come tell me what he said . It was awful . Way too much room for error . And as you can imagine , his answer might lead me to ask another question , which would start the whole process over again . And to make it even worse , the resident I spoke to wouldn 't return , but a new one would come into the mix . Because I never got to have a conversation with him , I never felt confident in his diagnosis . And there was no follow - up . And , there was no scope . I really can 't say enough horrible things about that stay and the treatment ( or lack thereof ) we received . I will never see that doctor again . I remember one doctor coming to talk to me during the stay and he said that Dr . G is a good doctor . Well , he might be knowledgeable . But , if he doesn 't want to talSo , I came to the conclusion that if we are ever in an emergency and it 's GI related , I can NOT take her to the only facility that I 'm comfortable with here in town . With this particular doctor there , I will never know if he 'll be the one " attending . " Which means I have to drive her to DC ( two hours away with no traffic ) . Which means I need to have her be seen by a GI doc there so they are familiar with her . That appointment was yesterday . And it was SO worth the wait and the drive ! Our appointment was at 1 : 30 and we left at 3pm . It took eight hours of my time to have that appointment ( traffic coming home was horrible ) . Dr . K took the time to sit down and explain everything to me . He also had great bedside manner with Harlie . He spoke directly to her and he explained stuff to her during the exam . After we went over her history and he examined her , they took an x - ray of her belly . Then he returned and explained more stuff to me . Then he made some changes to her regimen , which totally make sense . I left feeling heard , educated , not alone and with a new plan . I left happy . I may not be the smartest person , but if you take the time to explain it to me , I will listen and I will learn . With the past hospital stay , it took WAY more time to go back and forth all day ( which resulted in frustration and confusion ) than it would have taken for him to just sit down and talk to me . The least he could have done was talk to me on the phone . Anyway , I am much happier now . And I think Harlie will be happier , too . She complains about her stomach hurting her every day . Hopefully , with this new plan , she will be pain free . Oh , I forgot to tell you that on the way up to DC , I had to pull over to suction Harlie . I HATE doing that . I pushed it as far as I could , but she sounded horrible , couldn 't clear it on her own and there was no exit in sight . So , I looked for the widest shoulder I could find and pulled over on 95 . I think that is so dangerous . But , I didn 't feel like I had a choice . After I suctioned her , I ran to get back in the car . When I saw a small break in traffic I ran to jump in as fast as I could . And since I didn 't want to open the door all the way , I tried to squeeze in really fast . And I pulled a back muscle doing it . Crap . I tried really hard to take it easy after that . So , hopefully it didn 't tighten up too much after that . We 'll see . Well , that 's it for now . Thanks ! Murphy is 11 and is in sixth grade . He is constantly making us laugh with his crazy sense of humor and wonderful imagination . He is a great big brother and adjusted with no problems to this role . He has been an easy kid to raise from the get - go ( despite the fact he entered this world 5 weeks ahead of schedule ) . Harlie is 9 and is in second grade . She has Goldenhar Syndrome , VACTERL Association and a lung defect that required the removal of 2 lobes on the right side . After over 45 surgeries ( 4 of them open heart ) , she is remarkably age appropriate . She is the sweetest , funniest little girl I 've ever met . You can 't help but fall in love with her . Cooper is 7 and is in first grade . He is a very talkative , high energy and affectionate little guy . He is all boy and he is a very funny kid . We are so lucky to have him ! Rooney was born on February 5 , 2012 . He has been a wonderful addition to our family . He is such a great little dog and I just can 't imagine life without him now ! I love him so much ! ! ! |
Once upon a time , there was a king and queen who lived peacefully with only one wish - they desperately wanted a daughter . Not just any daughter , but a future princess with skin as white as snow , cheeks as rosy as blood , and hair as black as ebony . Seeing as they were kind and benevolent rulers , a benign faerie granted their wish . Not long after , Queen Mitsuko had a beautiful baby girl who was everything they wanted … … Well , except that her hair was light brown , her skin was healthy looking , and her cheeks weren 't at all flushed . But they laughed off the mischievous faerie 's trick , as there daughter was still a very lovely baby . In the future , they were sure that she 'd grow up to be the most beautiful person in the world . Her name was Haruka , but they nicknamed her Snow White , just to tick the faerie off . Unfortunately , Queen Mitsuko died when young Snow White was only five years old . Distraught , King Senri quickly met and fell in love with the kingdom 's future queen , Harley . They were promptly married , despite the fact that Harley was , in fact , a male . No one protested , as not only did it make their precious king happy , but Queen Harley was also prettier than any girl in the kingdom was anyway . However , there was a large problem that even King Senri was unaware of . Queen Harley hated Snow White with his very being , due to the girl calling his beloved pokémon " kinda scary " and his prized cookies " kinda tasty " upon their first meeting . Due to her habit of being very indecisive with her words , he called her cruel names behind her back , like Kamo - chan . He put up with her though , as his new husband was very handsome , and Snow White was just an ordinary looking girl who was no competition to him . Queen Harley had a magical mirror up in his private chambers . It didn 't reflect back the looker 's image , but instead the floating head of a young man would appear . Everyday , Queen Harley would ask his mirror , For the next five years , Queen Harley pretended to love Snow White , though he secretly wished that she 'd die . Everyday she became prettier and prettier , and she even started puberty at the young age of ten . His hatred was momentarily put on hold however , as King Senri suddenly became ill and died . Queen Harley did miss his husband , but he was now the sole queen , or king as some saw it , and thus didn 't have to pretend to like Snow White anymore . The verbal abuse mounted day after day . He didn 't dare kill her though , as the kingdom still loved the young princess . However , one day something drastic happened when Queen Harley spoke to his mirror . " Alas , if worth be based on beauty , Snow White has surpassed you , cutie . " Queen Harley couldn 't believe what he heard . That was impossible ! There was no way that that little girl could ever be prettier than him ! " Look , you stupid mirror , enough with the rhymes . Now quit fooling around and tell me who the most beautiful person in the kingdom is dammit ! " The mirror just looked bemused at the conniption fit that the queen was throwing . " Hey queenie , you know I can only speak the truth . Snow White is better looking than you . It 's no big deal . You 're still the second best . " But second best had never been good enough for Queen Harley , and it certainly wasn 't going to be now . He instantly stomped out of the room , seeking out someone to put his favorite anti - Snow White fantasy into action . He soon came across a young woodsman wandering the halls , obviously lost . Instead of questioning his reasons for being in his castle in the first place , he stopped the boy , noting happily that he carried a large ax with him . " Yes , my queen ? " Queen Harley smirked evilly , the prefect plan in mind . If all went according to plan , he would be the fairest of them all again ! " I want you to take Snow White into the woods . Far , far into the woods . When you get out far enough that no one can possibly hear you , I want you to kill her . Then bring me her heart as proof . If you don 't do it , " his voice lowered dangerously at this point , " I 'll make sure that your life is a living hell , got it ? " Now , the poor boy was thoroughly freaked out . But he had a mother and a darling Pikachu at home , and he couldn 't bear to see either of them hurt . So he reluctantly agreed to the queen 's scheme to kill Snow White . An hour later , the woodsman , who introduced himself as Satoshi , and Snow White were walking through the woods . This was the first time that he 'd talked to the princess , and he found her to be extremely pleasant . If the circumstances had been different , he could see them becoming good friends . Alas … They were soon far enough from the kingdom 's limits so that no one could hear her if she screamed … " Is something wrong Satoshi ? You look kinda worried about something … " She was so kind , so caring , so beautiful … It broke his heart to rob the world of such an exquisite creature … " No Snow White , nothing 's wrong … I just … I have to do something soon that I really don 't want to do . " She smiled sadly , her compassionate nature shining through . " I 'm sorry to hear that Satoshi . But if it 's for a good cause , then you should do it anyway . Right ? " He nodded tentatively , feeling even guiltier at her kindness . " Yes , I suppose so … " He spun around quickly , pinning her to a tree . " I 'm sorry Snow White , but the queen has ordered me to kill you . I 'm afraid that he 'll have my mother and my Pikachu murdered if I don 't do it … " He raised his ax , deep sadness shining in his eyes . She didn 't struggle throughout any of it though . Her sad smile was back in place as she looked up at him . " I understand . I 'm a princess after all , and princesses are supposed to protect their subjects . If dying will save you and your family , than so be it . " During her mini - speech , Satoshi 's grip on his ax weakened and weakened . It eventually dropped to the ground , landing with a silent thud . " Don 't worry about me ! " he cut her off , still not able to look her in the eye . " I 'll think of a way to trick him . Just go ! Run deeper into the woods and don 't return ! Do you understand ? " She nodded fearfully , before realizing that he couldn 't see her . " Then go ! " She ran as fast as she could without another word . As soon as she was out of sight , he finally lifted his head , wondering how in the world he was going to get out of such a predicament … " That 's odd , " Queen Harley mused as he examined the heart that Satoshi brought to him in a glass case . " I would have thought that it would be bigger … Oh well , good job boy . You and your family are safe for now . You may leave . " Satoshi did as he was told ; glad finally to be done with the maniacal queen . Snow White ran as far as her legs would carry her , before she felt as if she might collapse from exhaustion . Luckily , she spotted a house not far in the distance . Surely , whoever lived there would help her … As she approached it , she saw that the house was rather small … Almost like someone her size would be like an adult in a regular house . She paid no mind to it though , and instead knocked on the door . She waited patiently for a few minutes , but she received no answer . She knocked again and called out for the master of the house , but she still received no answer . Again she knocked , this time harder than before . To her surprise , the door swung open , revealing a quaint little house . It did strike her as odd , however , that there were seven sets of almost everything in the house . Oddities asides , she was still very tired , so she entered the house , forgetting to shut the door behind her . She first noticed a short , though long , table with seven plates , seven cups , seven napkins , and seven sets of utensils . There was food already set out on the plates , and the cups were filled with water . The sight of food made her very hungry , but she knew that it would be rude to deprive someone of their dinner , so … She instead ate a little from each plate . Sure , it was still stealing , but a growing girl had to eat , right ? She then drank a bit of water out of each cup , apparently forgetting that it would have been much easier to drain one of the cups , and then refill it at the tap . Sure , Snow White was pretty and kind , but she was also horribly naïve when it came to practical tasks . And cooking . She was really quite the horrid chef . Now feeling less hungry but still tired , she wandered up the small set of stairs and found herself in a large bedroom that took up the entire top floor . There were seven beds , each with pillows and blankets . They looked very comforting , so she laid down on one … Only to find that it was much too short . The next five beds she tried were also too small even for her petite frame , but the seventh luckily was just big enough so her feet didn 't hang over . Whoever normally slept in this bed , she mused , was either the tallest of the bunch , or they just liked to be different . Maybe both . A few hours later , seven short figures came down from the mountain with their pokéballs on their belts , back from their long day of work . They were a ragtag group , but luckily , they were friendly enough looking . That was especially good for Snow White , because they headed straight for the house that she was sleeping in . " Don 't be ridiculous , " the shortest of the group , a light - green - haired male , chided . " There aren 't any wolves in this forest ! It could have been a Windie though … " " Yep , there sure are ! And our glasses aren 't full anymore either ! " The last girl , with bright violet hair , bounced on her heels excitedly . Whatever was going on , it was exciting , and she loved excitement ! " Maybe they 're upstairs ! I 'll go check ! " Before anyone could protest , she did just that . The boys finally entered the house , and they shared looks with the girls that equaled to , " She 's crazy . " But crazy or not , they had to make sure that she wasn 't in danger of being eaten by wild pokémon … Thus , they followed her upstairs to their bedroom . " Look at our beds , " the male brunette gasped as they walked across the room . " Someone 's been lying in them ! It must have been a human , not a pokémon ! " " Of course not ! " the violet - haired girl exclaimed from the seventh bed . " Come look ! " They did so , gasping when they saw the princess asleep , still dressed in the pink gown she 'd put on that morning . She was very beautiful , and they didn 't have the heart to wake her when she looked so peaceful … " Oh , she picked my bed ! " the redhead cheered . No one bothered to point out that she was the tallest of them all … Or that despite that fact , her bed was still much longer than she was tall . " No , " the boy with light - green hair said firmly . " She just a young girl . I highly doubt that she wants to wake up to a hyperactive , abnormally short girl like you kissing her . " The girl pouted , but didn 't press the matter . She could always do it when he wasn 't looking … All of their talking eventually began to wake Snow White up . Her eyes slowly fluttered open , and she groaned as she gradually came to . The first thing she saw was the amorous girl staring at her . It was surprising , but she wasn 't afraid . After all , she was naïve , and had no idea what that look meant . Then she noticed the other six little people staring at her , and decided that she should do the polite thing and introduce herself . Snow White explained that it wasn 't what , but rather , from whom she was running from . She told of her " stepmother " and his desire to kill her . She told of the kindly woodsman who told her of the plot against her life and let her escape unscathed . She told of her exhaustion , and of how inviting their quaint house had seemed to her weary body . They all listened intently to her story , wondering why in the world anyone would want to harm such an innocent being . " Well , what 'd you do to him ? " Snow White blinked in confusion at the boy with the light green hair , causing him to sigh . " I 'm sure he has a reason , no matter how feeble . So what 'd you do to him to make him hate you ? " " Well … " she thought hard , trying to recall when Queen Harley started being mean to her . Then she remembered ; he 'd been like that since the first time he 'd met her ! He just had never done anything in public until after her father had died . So what had she done … ? " Oh , yeah , I said his pokémon were scary . " The little people exchanged dubious glances , which only served to confuse the princess further . " That 's enough , " the boy cut her off , giving her a sharp glare . " You obviously don 't have any pokémon of your own , do you ? " She shook her head . Pokémon had never really appealed to her … The boy continued , " Obviously . If you had your own , you 'd know better then to make fun of someone else 's . " " It doesn 't matter Kanata , " he snapped . " We 're coordinators ; we can 't associate with someone like her . " Snow White , instead of taking offense , merely studied them curiously . " That means we coordinate with our pokémon , " the redhead explained . " We go up to the mountains everyday and practice to make our pokémon do beautiful things . My name is Grace by the way , and that 's my bed your in . " Snow White , though she still didn 't fully understand , nodded . " I have a great idea ! Snow White , you can stay here and take care of the house while were gone , and we 'll help you catch some pokémon ! Then we won 't have to worry about the house while we 're training , and you can get to know the joys of Pokémon ! What do you say ? Will you stay ? Please , please , please ? " Snow White smiled kindly , the girl 's hospitality warming her heart . " Of course . I need a place to stay , and if you guys need the help … It 's the least I can do for entering your house without your permission . That is … As long as no one minds . " They all looked at Shuu , who sighed and nodded his head wearily . " Sure , whatever … But no insulting anyone 's pokémon or you 're out of here , got it ? " Snow White nodded , and they all merrily went downstairs , chatting to their new friend about how wonderful things would be . " Mirror , mirror , on the wall , who 's the fairest one of all ? " The mirror snickered a bit before answering . Queen Harley really hated it when he did that … " What do you mean ? ! A dead girl can 't be better looking than I am ! She 'd be all rotten by now ! " The mirror chuckled before replying , " Dear queen , you were right to think that the heart the woodsman gave you was too small to belong to her . That was the heart of a baby Zenigame from the woods . " The queen had never liked Zenigame , so that was no problem , but still ! That meant that Snow White was still alive ! " Oh , I 'll kill that stupid boy when I get my hands on him … And you ! Why didn 't you tell me sooner ? ! " The mirror , who always got amused when the queen was like this , would have shrugged if he had any shoulders . " You never asked me silly … And don 't bother with the boy . He and his family moved to the neighboring kingdom the very day he deceived you . " Well … That certainly p * ssed the queen off . But he didn 't have time to worry about that … " Mirror , tell me where Snow White is , right this moment ! " Although goading the queen a bit more did sound like fun , the mirror felt in best to do as he was told . After all , he didn 't want his favorite queen to burst a blood vessel or anything … " She resides in the woods with seven vertically - challenged coordinators . They go into the mountains every afternoon after lunch and do not return until dinnertime . If you make your move during that time span , you will be uninterrupted and may dispose of her yourself . Though I must admit , I personally find you to be much more attractive than her … " Queen Harley quickly left the room before the mirror could see him blush . He refused to become attracted to a mirror . He wasn 't that desperate … yet . During that first week , Snow White got to know the seven coordinators quite well . Kanata had taken her into the woods and helped her catch two pokémon of her very own , a Fushigidane and an Eneko . Grace and the other girl , Megumi , gave her tips on how to care for her new friends . The boys with purple , green , and brown hair , respectively named Eiji , Toshiki , and Kimimaro , showed her how things worked around the house . It only took one night of burnt meat and vegetables to learn that the princess could not cook , so the job went back to Shuu . He was still weary of Snow White , but they all could tell that even he enjoyed having the young girl around now that she was beginning to learn the joys of pokémon . She also learned that there had once been another coordinator , by the name of Eriko . However , once she learned that Toshiki , her obsession , much preferred the company of Eiji and Kimimaro to herself … Well , the story had gotten too gruesome for them to finish , but they assured Snow White that it really was for the best . On the eighth day of Snow White 's staying with the seven coordinators , the day was bright and sunny . After a morning of teaching Snow White more about pokémon and a delicious lunch prepared by Shuu , the seven coordinators headed up to the mountains for practice . Snow White bid them a good day , and then went upstairs to bond with her pokémon . She sat down on Grace 's bed , who had generously offered to let her continue using it and was instead sharing with Megumi , and released her pokémon from their monster balls . She gave them her apologies and headed downstairs , wondering who in the world could be at the door . The house was very far in the woods , and the seven coordinators wouldn 't be knocking if they had come back early … She opened the door and noticed an old woman standing on the steps with her Ariados at her side . She felt herself tense , remembering that Queen Harley had an Ariados … Then Shuu 's words about not insulting any pokémon , no matter what , came back to her . She wouldn 't let him down ! " Good afternoon madam . How may I help you ? " The old woman was , of course , Queen Harley in disguise . He mentally smirked , yet smiled kindly on the outside . " Why , hello young lady . I am but a mere peddler , hoping to sell to you some of my fine goods so that I might buy a bit of bread for my dinner tonight . I assure you , though my prices are cheap , what I sell most certainly is not . " The faux voice was executed so well that Snow White had no idea that the old woman was in fact the queen who she 'd lived with for five years . " Why , my Ariados spins the most beautiful silken lace in all the land . I 'm sure that it would match your lovely gown quite splendidly . " The thought of owning such an exquisite sounding cloth seemed almost too good to be true ! … But there was one problem … " For such a pretty young girl as yourself , I 'll do it for free ! Now just put your arms up and stand still … " Snow White did as she was told , and the Ariados immediately launched a String Spit attack at her petite waist , getting tighter and tighter until she found it hard to breathe . Soon , she fell down to the ground , no longer breathing and apparently dead . Queen Harley laughed triumphantly , throwing off his hood and smirking down at the prone figure . " Well , we did it Ariados - chan . Now let 's go home and celebrate ! " Ariados - chan bounced his body in agreement , and the two headed back to the castle to share the good news with his other pokémon . " Dane , fushi ! " Their frantic cries startled the seven coordinators , and they immediately knew that something was wrong with Snow White . Without a word , they all ran back down the mountain as fast as they could go . When they reached the house , the princess was still on the ground . " Oh no ! " Kanata cried , tears forming in her eyes . " Snow White , you 're … But why … ? " The seven coordinators all felt a wave of grief wash over them at the loss of the princess . They 'd already grown so accustomed to her smiling face . Even Shuu , who hadn 't wanted to admit that he was beginning to see her as a friend , couldn 't believe that she was gone … " Wait a minute , " Megumi gasped , noticing her waist , " look ! That 's a String Spit attack ! My Agehanto uses that all the time … Maybe she 's not gone after all … " They all nodded and quickly took to tearing the strings apart . As soon as they 'd broken though , Snow White took a deep breath and started to wake up . " That 's what we wanna know ! What happened to you Snow White ? We thought we 'd lost you ! " She told them about that old peddler and her Ariados . Though she was sure that it was all a big misunderstanding , the seven coordinators weren 't so sure … And her pokémon were positive that it was no mistake . After all , though they didn 't know who the queen was , they knew that he 'd meant to hurt their mistress … It was just too bad that they couldn 't talk in order to warn her . In the end , the seven coordinators told her not to open the door for anyone else . Kanata offered to stay with her , but Snow White declined . So the seven coordinators went back to the mountains and the princess played with her pokémon . Fushigidane and Eneko kept a close eye on her , swearing to themselves that they 'd keep her safe from then on . A few days later , Queen Harley woke up in the greatest spirits ever . He was the queen of a prosperous kingdom , the most beautiful person in said kingdom , and he was high on life ! He sauntered up to his private chambers and gave the mirror a large grin . " Mirror , mirror , on the wall , who 's the fairest one of all ? " If he could have lied , the mirror would certainly have done so . After all , the queen looked so blissful … But seeing as he couldn 't lie , he sighed forlornly and replied . " Living ? She 's living … But … But … No ! I killed her ! How can she still be alive ? ! " He paced back and forth frantically , not believing his rotten luck . " The seven coordinators saved her , dearest queen . Perhaps it would make you feel better if you just forgot about her and - " But Queen Harley paid no attention to him and quickly left the room . He had to come up with another plan post - haste ! The mirror sighed as he watched his queen leave . " … You 'll appreciate me one of these days … " Two days later , Snow White was washing the dishes from lunch when she heard another knock . She peaked out the window and saw that it was the old woman from earlier that week , this time with a Noctus . She found it a bit strange that she had two of the pokémon that Queen Harley had had , but she wrote it off as a coincidence . Remembering the seven coordinators ' warning , she opened the window and stuck her head out . " I 'm sorry madam , " she apologized , " but the seven coordinators made me promise not to open the door for anyone . I almost died after I tried that silk on , and they suspect that there was foul play . " Queen Harley had expected such distrust , and quickly recited his well - rehearsed lie . " Oh , sweet child , when you passed out I fled back to the kingdom for help . Alas , by the time I returned , you were already awake again . I merely came back to offer you this as an apology . " He held out a stunning silver hair comb , which shimmered in the sunlight . Snow White gasped at its beauty and immediately rushed to the door . " Oh , it 's nothing , " he responded smoothly . " Just a small token , really . Here , let me put it in your hair for you … " She nodded and turned around , not catching his smirk on his face . The moment the comb touched her hair , her breathing became shallow . Seconds later , she slumped to the ground . " There , " he said , throwing off the horrid looking cloak , " she 's finally dead . Putting your poison in the tips was an ingenious plan , wasn 't it Noctus - chan ? " Noctus - chan nodded happily at his master 's good mood . Whistling a merry tune , Queen Harley led the way back to the castle . " I just don 't know why you think that you need that silly mask in the first place . I mean , sure , it makes you and Samayooru look similar , but couldn 't you practice without it for once ? " Kimimaro opened his mouth to reply , when something caught his eye . " Oh no , Snow White ! " They ran to the princess , hoping that she was just sleeping . But to their dismay , she wasn 't breathing . They couldn 't comprehend why she would have opened the door again , as this was surely the work of the old woman from before . Had they truly lost her this time … ? A cloud that had been covering the sun suddenly moved , and the sunlight hit the silver comb just right . Toshiki noticed it right away and quickly yanked it out of her head . The poison obvious hadn 't had enough time to work its deadly magic , because as soon as the tips left her scalp , her eyes fluttered open . " Oh my , it happened again , didn 't it ? " The three coordinators were too relieved that she was alright to scold her , and they instead made her promise that she 'd not only not open the door again , but also that she 'd always release her pokémon while they were in the mountains training . After all , if Kimimaro hadn 't forgotten his mask , it might have been too late to save her . " Okay , let 's get right down to business , shall we ? You know what I want to know , so let 's just skip all the rhyming , all right ? " The mirror pouted at his queen 's frankness . " Aw , but I love the rhyming my lovely queen ! I spend all of my free time trying to think up these things ! And since you only visit when you want something - Oh wait , you want things all the time … Well , that 's besides the point … " The glare he received very clearly told him to shut up and get to the point if he knew what was good for him . " … You 're the most beautiful person in the kingdom … " " Well , you see … In the entire kingdom , Snow White is still the fairest of them all . You 're still in second … Except to me … And a few other fanboys . But isn 't it about time to give up ? This girl is very lucky to be saved by the seven coordinators twice now . " Queen Harley wasn 't listening though . He still had one more pokémon after all … And that meant there was still a chance to win ! “… and I really think that - You 're not listening to me , are you ? " Queen Harley waited for a week this time before he put his latest plan into action , afraid that the seven coordinators would be much more cautious after two failed attempts at her life . As he and Jupetta - chan neared the house , he saw Snow White playing with her Fushigidane and Eneko . He snorted as he watched her count to one hundred as her pokémon ran off into the woods to hide . It figured that she 'd have such typically cutesy pokémon … They were certainly no match for his buddies though . Snow White looked up from her counting as she heard someone approaching . She gulped as she saw the old woman , this time traveling with a Jupetta , the last pokémon Queen Harley had . She couldn 't keep her promise to the seven coordinators , as she was already outside , and her pokémon had run off into the forest to hide . But Snow White was a very trusting and forgiving young lady , so she curtsied to the old woman in welcome . " Good day again madam . It 's a pleasure to see you once more . " Queen Harley put on a soft smile and walked closer to her . This plan was foolproof … " And a good day to you as well . I 'm so very sorry that the comb I gave you caused you any discomfort . I received it as a gift and had no idea that it would harm you . But yet again , by the time I returned with help , you were awake . So this time I picked you a nice , fresh apple as an apology . " Snow White looked apprehensively at the shiny red apple . It didn 't look dangerous , but then again , neither had the comb . " Oh , come now . I just picked it on my way here , so it 's perfectly safe . And to show you … " He took a knife out of his pocket and split the apple in half , giving her one piece and leaving the other for himself . " There . I 'll eat it too . " To prove his point , he took a bite out of the apple , chewed , and swallowed . When he didn 't pass out , Snow White saw no more reason to be suspicious . Besides , the apple did look scrumptious . … She took a big bite out of the apple and chewed it hastily , quickly swallowing the tasty morsel . … Then she fell down dead for the third time in less than two weeks . Queen Harley sighed in relief . Even if the seven coordinators came back at that very second , there was absolutely nothing that they could do to save her . Jupetta - chan had used Curse on half of the apple , and she had eaten that same half . He was finally rid of her ! " Yes , we 'll never have to deal with that annoying twit again . Now , let 's go home and see what that silly mirror has to say this time … " And they did just that . By the time the little pokémon realized that their mistress wasn 't coming to find them , it was almost time for the seven coordinators to arrive home . And by the time they reached the house and saw the princess lying dead on the ground , the seven coordinators could be seen on the horizon headed their way . They cried out frantically to them , making them all swiftly come running to the girl 's side . Kanata spotted the partially eaten apple half and began to weep openly for the beautiful girl who she 'd admired so . Tears filled the other coordinators eyes , including Shuu , who reprimanded the dead girl for been too kind . Through watery eyes , they brought her inside , not wishing for a wild pokémon to attack her lifeless body . In the house , they brushed her hair , washed her up , and made sure that she looked as beautiful as she ever had been while living . They stopped training for three days in order to construct an exquisite glass coffin to lay her body in . They couldn 't bear to place her in the ground though , so they set the coffin on a large hill so that anyone could visit her whenever they pleased . They also decided that from that day on , one of them would guard the coffin while the others were training . Kanata begged to have the first day , and they all agreed , as she had been the most fond of Snow White . " The loveliest person ever to be seen , without a doubt , is you my queen . " Queen Harley smiled wider than the mirror could ever remember . Such joy certainly suited him more than obsessive jealousy … " Yes ! Those imbecilic coordinators weren 't able to save her this time ! I 've finally won ! " He ran to the door in order to find his pokémon ; they had to celebrate ! However , he turned at the last moment and gave the mirror a wink . " See you later sweetie ! " The mirror just sighed dreamily . How anyone ever thought that a little girl like Snow White had been more attractive than his sexy queen was certainly beyond him … In three days , the seven coordinators , Snow White 's pokémon , and the friendly wild pokémon of the woods gathered at the princess 's coffin for a proper memorial service . They all took turns telling why Snow White had touched their hearts , from her beauty and grace to her kind and innocent nature . Shuu held Kanata as she sobbed over the loss of her dearly loved princess , and he threw a beautiful blood red rose on top of the casket . He regretted not getting to know her better and wished that there were some way to bring her back … Just as the sun was beginning to set and the seven coordinators were about to head home for the night , a tall blond man riding a Gallop appeared through the woods . He slowly rode over to the glass casket and looked inside . His blue eyes widened at the sheer beauty and innocence radiating off her body . It looked as if she was only sleeping … He dismounted the majestic pokémon and walked closer to the casket , ignoring the shocked stares he was receiving from the seven coordinators . " My name is Robert , " he answered , kneeling down next to the coffin and staring inside . " I am the prince of the neighboring kingdom , and I was on my way home … I saw this beautifully crafted coffin reflected in the setting sun though , and I had to see what was going on . The poor angel … " " She was a princess , " Kanata sniffed sadly , " in this kingdom even . The queen hated her though , so she ran away and moved in with us … And now she 's gone ! " She began sobbing bitterly again , Shuu 's soothing arms around her unfortunately only providing minimal comfort . " A princess … " Prince Robert mused . " I just don 't understand how anyone could hate such a pure looking child , no matter what she might have done … " Shaking his head at the state of the world when such horrid things could befall the innocent , he stood up to return home … The seven coordinators ' eyes widened as it shook violently , but luckily , the worse thing to happen was the cover falling off the top and landing in the grass with a loud thud . The bump was enough to jolt Snow White though , and the piece of the apple that she 'd been too lazy to fully chew popped out of her mouth . Obviously , the small amount that she 'd actually managed to swallow hadn 't been enough to kill her , because her eyes opened and she sat up with a yawn . " That was a nice nap … Hey , why does everyone look so sad ? And where am I ? " The seven coordinators continued to cry , though this time it was out of joy rather than misery . Prince Robert helped the princess out of the slippery glass casket and introduced himself . " And you are known as Snow White , correct ? " She nodded shyly , blushing ever so slightly at the handsome prince . " What is your real name , if you don 't mind me asking ? " " Haruka , " she replied . " I 'm Princess Haruka , though I dare not return to my kingdom … I fear that the old peddler was my stepmother … And he most certainly will not stop until he 's killed me … " Prince Robert didn 't question why she called her stepmother , the queen , " he , " as he remembered hearing the villagers in the kingdom saying the same thing . Whoever this man was , he certainly seemed interesting , to say the very least . " Well then , why don 't you come to my kingdom instead ? I 'm to be made king in less than a month , though I have yet to find a queen . I do believe , however , that you would make a most suitable wife … You must be almost sixteen , correct ? " She blushed at the question , turning her gaze to the ground . " It is of no matter . I still believe that love is in our future . Will you please return to my kingdom with me and become my queen ? " Her blush was now a deep red , and her smile stretched from ear to ear . " Coordinators you say ? Why , that is wonderful ! I too am a coordinator . Gallop belongs to my family , but I have a Milokaross and a Nendoll who I train . Why , your friends may come live in my kingdom and stay in the palace as our royal guests . It will be my pleasure . " He took her small hands into his larger ones . " Now , what is your answer ? " The seven coordinators huddled together , discussing their response . All but Shuu and Kanata immediately agreed . Shuu was still apprehensive of the blond prince , but soon changed his mind as Eiji pointed out that he did in fact save Snow White 's life , even if it was purely by accident . Kanata , who was also in love with Snow White , wasn 't sure if she wanted to see the girl marry someone else … But she decided that the princess 's happiness was the most important thing to her and vowed to be the best friend to the girl that she possibly could be . " We 'll do it ! " they cheered , seven tiny fists pumping into the air . Snow White giggled and hugged Prince Robert 's waist , as that was as high as she could reach . " Then yes , I 'll marry you ! " The sad , solemn day was suddenly merry and jovial . Prince Robert mounted Gallop , pulling his future wife up to ride with him . They promised to return the next day to fetch her pokémon , the seven coordinators , and their belongings . Waving their good - byes , they were off , riding into the sunset . One week later , the seven coordinators were fully moved into the castle . Eiji , Kimimaro , and Toshiki shared a room , as did Megumi and Grace . Kanata and Shuu got their own rooms , and Snow White shared the prince 's room . Things were purely innocent at this point of course , as the princess was still a young girl . Two weeks later , Kanata met a servant in the castle named Kasumi , who she quickly became enamored with , and who actually returned her attraction . Shuu met a young woodsman while in the village one day who caught his fancy . When it turned out that he was Satoshi , the same woodsman who saved Snow White that first day in the woods , not only did the princess become reunited with her new friend , but Shuu also gained a new love . Satoshi , as well as his mother and his Pikachu , soon moved into the castle as well as thanks for saving Snow White 's life . He stayed in Shuu 's room of course . Three weeks later , Prince Robert and Snow White were married , becoming King Robert and Queen Haruka . They finally shared their first kiss after their vows were exchanged . No one objected that their new queen was only a ten - year - old girl , as they could clearly see that she was of pure heart , and that their king was deeply in love with her , as she was with him . The day after Snow White was married and began her new life as Queen Haruka , Queen Harley finally visited his magical mirror once again . He 'd been busy looking for a new lover to rule with ever since the princess 's death , but had finally given up . As he saw it , there were absolutely no good men left in the kingdom … " I do own the place , and you too , so you 'll do good to remember it … Now if you don 't mind , I 'm rather frustrated at the lack of suitable husbands around , so if you 'd kindly just tell me who the fairest one of all is … " The mirror sniffed disdainfully at the queen 's attitude . " If you visited earlier , I could have told you that your stepdaughter not only woke up , but also got married just yesterday ! " At Queen Harley 's disbelieving look , he elaborated . " Oh yes , she married the prince of the neighboring kingdom , who became king at the very same time . Now they 're ruling as King Robert and his most beautiful wife , Queen Haruka . " Queen Harley 's eye began to develop a rather nasty tick at the news . " Oh no , not at all ! In this land , you 're now the fairest , just as you wished ! You 're just not the fairest if you compare this kingdom and the next , that 's all . " Good news or not , Queen Harley couldn 't contain his temper . He 'd wanted her dead dammit , not the new queen in the next kingdom ! He had a sudden urge to break something , and the closest thing just happened to be the magical mirror . Yanking it off the wall and throwing to the floor with all his might , he smirked in satisfaction as it crashed loudly and broke into thousands of tiny pieces . " Oh , sweet queen , thank you so very much ! " he cried gratefully , stretching himself languidly . " It was getting awfully cramped in there … " Queen Harley looked as if he 'd seen a specter the way his eyes grew to an almost abnormal size and his jaw dropped . The man smiled lazily and continued . " I was cursed to live in that mirror until my true love set me free when I told an old witch that her shoes didn 't match her dress . Really , how was I supposed to know that she was a witch when she took the appearance of a young woman ? Besides , she should have known that green and orange clash horribly … " Queen Harley tried to speak , but was having quite a bit of trouble … " I … Um , you see … You - Well … " His eyes traveled up and down , especially down , the man 's body . The former mirror 's grin turned into a lusty smirk . " My my , you 're quite the pervert , aren 't you ? " He made no attempt to cover his body though . " Well , you are the queen , as well as my one true love seeing as you broke the spell and saved me from living the rest of my life in that mirror … I suppose that you can look all you want . Why , you may even touch if it pleases you . " Queen Harley felt himself beginning to salivate at the delicious sight in front of him . A few days later the two men were married , Kojirou becoming King Kojirou . He 'd wanted the title of Queen , but Queen Harley refused to give it up seeing as he liked the confusion that it brought . They quickly forgot all about Queen Haruka and the seven coordinators and instead focused on ruling together in their own kingdom , with Queen Harley 's pokémon , whom King Kojirou was exceptionally fond of , at their sides . My other notes weren 't very interesting . . . Just mentioning that I followed the actual faerie tale , not the Disney movie . Yep , I think that was about it . . . This fic pwns . Mmmm , I want a Prince Robert of my own . Or possibly a Queen Harley . Fic plugs : Taking a Chance ( multi - chaptered , Contestshipping / Pokeshipping ) " Alas , if worth be based on beauty , Snow White has surpassed you , cutie . " Queen Harley couldn 't believe what he heard . That was impossible ! There was no way that that little girl could ever be prettier than him ! " Look , you stupid mirror , enough with the rhymes . Now quit fooling around and tell me who the most beautiful person in the kingdom is dammit ! " The mirror just looked bemused at the conniption fit that the queen was throwing . " Hey queenie , you know I can only speak the truth . Snow White is better looking than you . It 's no big deal . You 're still the second best . " But second best had never been good enough for Queen Harley , and it certainly wasn 't going to be now . " She resides in the woods with seven vertically - challenged coordinators . They go into the mountains every afternoon after lunch and do not return until dinnertime . If you make your move during that time span , you will be uninterrupted and may dispose of her yourself . Though I must admit , I personally find you to be much more attractive than her … " Queen Harley quickly left the room before the mirror could see him blush . He refused to become attracted to a mirror . He wasn 't that desperate … yet . Posts 4 , 502 This is the best fic I 've read in a long time . o _ o Loved the Satoshi x Shuu and Kojirou x Harley shippings . Also wasn 't expecting Prince Robert , but he and Haruka seem cute nonetheless . X3 Awesome job ! ^^ |
Once upon a time , there was a king and queen who lived peacefully with only one wish - they desperately wanted a daughter . Not just any daughter , but a future princess with skin as white as snow , cheeks as rosy as blood , and hair as black as ebony . Seeing as they were kind and benevolent rulers , a benign faerie granted their wish . Not long after , Queen Mitsuko had a beautiful baby girl who was everything they wanted … … Well , except that her hair was light brown , her skin was healthy looking , and her cheeks weren 't at all flushed . But they laughed off the mischievous faerie 's trick , as there daughter was still a very lovely baby . In the future , they were sure that she 'd grow up to be the most beautiful person in the world . Her name was Haruka , but they nicknamed her Snow White , just to tick the faerie off . Unfortunately , Queen Mitsuko died when young Snow White was only five years old . Distraught , King Senri quickly met and fell in love with the kingdom 's future queen , Harley . They were promptly married , despite the fact that Harley was , in fact , a male . No one protested , as not only did it make their precious king happy , but Queen Harley was also prettier than any girl in the kingdom was anyway . However , there was a large problem that even King Senri was unaware of . Queen Harley hated Snow White with his very being , due to the girl calling his beloved pokémon " kinda scary " and his prized cookies " kinda tasty " upon their first meeting . Due to her habit of being very indecisive with her words , he called her cruel names behind her back , like Kamo - chan . He put up with her though , as his new husband was very handsome , and Snow White was just an ordinary looking girl who was no competition to him . Queen Harley had a magical mirror up in his private chambers . It didn 't reflect back the looker 's image , but instead the floating head of a young man would appear . Everyday , Queen Harley would ask his mirror , For the next five years , Queen Harley pretended to love Snow White , though he secretly wished that she 'd die . Everyday she became prettier and prettier , and she even started puberty at the young age of ten . His hatred was momentarily put on hold however , as King Senri suddenly became ill and died . Queen Harley did miss his husband , but he was now the sole queen , or king as some saw it , and thus didn 't have to pretend to like Snow White anymore . The verbal abuse mounted day after day . He didn 't dare kill her though , as the kingdom still loved the young princess . However , one day something drastic happened when Queen Harley spoke to his mirror . " Alas , if worth be based on beauty , Snow White has surpassed you , cutie . " Queen Harley couldn 't believe what he heard . That was impossible ! There was no way that that little girl could ever be prettier than him ! " Look , you stupid mirror , enough with the rhymes . Now quit fooling around and tell me who the most beautiful person in the kingdom is dammit ! " The mirror just looked bemused at the conniption fit that the queen was throwing . " Hey queenie , you know I can only speak the truth . Snow White is better looking than you . It 's no big deal . You 're still the second best . " But second best had never been good enough for Queen Harley , and it certainly wasn 't going to be now . He instantly stomped out of the room , seeking out someone to put his favorite anti - Snow White fantasy into action . He soon came across a young woodsman wandering the halls , obviously lost . Instead of questioning his reasons for being in his castle in the first place , he stopped the boy , noting happily that he carried a large ax with him . " Yes , my queen ? " Queen Harley smirked evilly , the prefect plan in mind . If all went according to plan , he would be the fairest of them all again ! " I want you to take Snow White into the woods . Far , far into the woods . When you get out far enough that no one can possibly hear you , I want you to kill her . Then bring me her heart as proof . If you don 't do it , " his voice lowered dangerously at this point , " I 'll make sure that your life is a living hell , got it ? " Now , the poor boy was thoroughly freaked out . But he had a mother and a darling Pikachu at home , and he couldn 't bear to see either of them hurt . So he reluctantly agreed to the queen 's scheme to kill Snow White . An hour later , the woodsman , who introduced himself as Satoshi , and Snow White were walking through the woods . This was the first time that he 'd talked to the princess , and he found her to be extremely pleasant . If the circumstances had been different , he could see them becoming good friends . Alas … They were soon far enough from the kingdom 's limits so that no one could hear her if she screamed … " Is something wrong Satoshi ? You look kinda worried about something … " She was so kind , so caring , so beautiful … It broke his heart to rob the world of such an exquisite creature … " No Snow White , nothing 's wrong … I just … I have to do something soon that I really don 't want to do . " She smiled sadly , her compassionate nature shining through . " I 'm sorry to hear that Satoshi . But if it 's for a good cause , then you should do it anyway . Right ? " He nodded tentatively , feeling even guiltier at her kindness . " Yes , I suppose so … " He spun around quickly , pinning her to a tree . " I 'm sorry Snow White , but the queen has ordered me to kill you . I 'm afraid that he 'll have my mother and my Pikachu murdered if I don 't do it … " He raised his ax , deep sadness shining in his eyes . She didn 't struggle throughout any of it though . Her sad smile was back in place as she looked up at him . " I understand . I 'm a princess after all , and princesses are supposed to protect their subjects . If dying will save you and your family , than so be it . " During her mini - speech , Satoshi 's grip on his ax weakened and weakened . It eventually dropped to the ground , landing with a silent thud . " Don 't worry about me ! " he cut her off , still not able to look her in the eye . " I 'll think of a way to trick him . Just go ! Run deeper into the woods and don 't return ! Do you understand ? " She nodded fearfully , before realizing that he couldn 't see her . " Then go ! " She ran as fast as she could without another word . As soon as she was out of sight , he finally lifted his head , wondering how in the world he was going to get out of such a predicament … " That 's odd , " Queen Harley mused as he examined the heart that Satoshi brought to him in a glass case . " I would have thought that it would be bigger … Oh well , good job boy . You and your family are safe for now . You may leave . " Satoshi did as he was told ; glad finally to be done with the maniacal queen . Snow White ran as far as her legs would carry her , before she felt as if she might collapse from exhaustion . Luckily , she spotted a house not far in the distance . Surely , whoever lived there would help her … As she approached it , she saw that the house was rather small … Almost like someone her size would be like an adult in a regular house . She paid no mind to it though , and instead knocked on the door . She waited patiently for a few minutes , but she received no answer . She knocked again and called out for the master of the house , but she still received no answer . Again she knocked , this time harder than before . To her surprise , the door swung open , revealing a quaint little house . It did strike her as odd , however , that there were seven sets of almost everything in the house . Oddities asides , she was still very tired , so she entered the house , forgetting to shut the door behind her . She first noticed a short , though long , table with seven plates , seven cups , seven napkins , and seven sets of utensils . There was food already set out on the plates , and the cups were filled with water . The sight of food made her very hungry , but she knew that it would be rude to deprive someone of their dinner , so … She instead ate a little from each plate . Sure , it was still stealing , but a growing girl had to eat , right ? She then drank a bit of water out of each cup , apparently forgetting that it would have been much easier to drain one of the cups , and then refill it at the tap . Sure , Snow White was pretty and kind , but she was also horribly naïve when it came to practical tasks . And cooking . She was really quite the horrid chef . Now feeling less hungry but still tired , she wandered up the small set of stairs and found herself in a large bedroom that took up the entire top floor . There were seven beds , each with pillows and blankets . They looked very comforting , so she laid down on one … Only to find that it was much too short . The next five beds she tried were also too small even for her petite frame , but the seventh luckily was just big enough so her feet didn 't hang over . Whoever normally slept in this bed , she mused , was either the tallest of the bunch , or they just liked to be different . Maybe both . A few hours later , seven short figures came down from the mountain with their pokéballs on their belts , back from their long day of work . They were a ragtag group , but luckily , they were friendly enough looking . That was especially good for Snow White , because they headed straight for the house that she was sleeping in . " Don 't be ridiculous , " the shortest of the group , a light - green - haired male , chided . " There aren 't any wolves in this forest ! It could have been a Windie though … " " Yep , there sure are ! And our glasses aren 't full anymore either ! " The last girl , with bright violet hair , bounced on her heels excitedly . Whatever was going on , it was exciting , and she loved excitement ! " Maybe they 're upstairs ! I 'll go check ! " Before anyone could protest , she did just that . The boys finally entered the house , and they shared looks with the girls that equaled to , " She 's crazy . " But crazy or not , they had to make sure that she wasn 't in danger of being eaten by wild pokémon … Thus , they followed her upstairs to their bedroom . " Look at our beds , " the male brunette gasped as they walked across the room . " Someone 's been lying in them ! It must have been a human , not a pokémon ! " " Of course not ! " the violet - haired girl exclaimed from the seventh bed . " Come look ! " They did so , gasping when they saw the princess asleep , still dressed in the pink gown she 'd put on that morning . She was very beautiful , and they didn 't have the heart to wake her when she looked so peaceful … " Oh , she picked my bed ! " the redhead cheered . No one bothered to point out that she was the tallest of them all … Or that despite that fact , her bed was still much longer than she was tall . " No , " the boy with light - green hair said firmly . " She just a young girl . I highly doubt that she wants to wake up to a hyperactive , abnormally short girl like you kissing her . " The girl pouted , but didn 't press the matter . She could always do it when he wasn 't looking … All of their talking eventually began to wake Snow White up . Her eyes slowly fluttered open , and she groaned as she gradually came to . The first thing she saw was the amorous girl staring at her . It was surprising , but she wasn 't afraid . After all , she was naïve , and had no idea what that look meant . Then she noticed the other six little people staring at her , and decided that she should do the polite thing and introduce herself . Snow White explained that it wasn 't what , but rather , from whom she was running from . She told of her " stepmother " and his desire to kill her . She told of the kindly woodsman who told her of the plot against her life and let her escape unscathed . She told of her exhaustion , and of how inviting their quaint house had seemed to her weary body . They all listened intently to her story , wondering why in the world anyone would want to harm such an innocent being . " Well , what 'd you do to him ? " Snow White blinked in confusion at the boy with the light green hair , causing him to sigh . " I 'm sure he has a reason , no matter how feeble . So what 'd you do to him to make him hate you ? " " Well … " she thought hard , trying to recall when Queen Harley started being mean to her . Then she remembered ; he 'd been like that since the first time he 'd met her ! He just had never done anything in public until after her father had died . So what had she done … ? " Oh , yeah , I said his pokémon were scary . " The little people exchanged dubious glances , which only served to confuse the princess further . " That 's enough , " the boy cut her off , giving her a sharp glare . " You obviously don 't have any pokémon of your own , do you ? " She shook her head . Pokémon had never really appealed to her … The boy continued , " Obviously . If you had your own , you 'd know better then to make fun of someone else 's . " " It doesn 't matter Kanata , " he snapped . " We 're coordinators ; we can 't associate with someone like her . " Snow White , instead of taking offense , merely studied them curiously . " That means we coordinate with our pokémon , " the redhead explained . " We go up to the mountains everyday and practice to make our pokémon do beautiful things . My name is Grace by the way , and that 's my bed your in . " Snow White , though she still didn 't fully understand , nodded . " I have a great idea ! Snow White , you can stay here and take care of the house while were gone , and we 'll help you catch some pokémon ! Then we won 't have to worry about the house while we 're training , and you can get to know the joys of Pokémon ! What do you say ? Will you stay ? Please , please , please ? " Snow White smiled kindly , the girl 's hospitality warming her heart . " Of course . I need a place to stay , and if you guys need the help … It 's the least I can do for entering your house without your permission . That is … As long as no one minds . " They all looked at Shuu , who sighed and nodded his head wearily . " Sure , whatever … But no insulting anyone 's pokémon or you 're out of here , got it ? " Snow White nodded , and they all merrily went downstairs , chatting to their new friend about how wonderful things would be . " Mirror , mirror , on the wall , who 's the fairest one of all ? " The mirror snickered a bit before answering . Queen Harley really hated it when he did that … " What do you mean ? ! A dead girl can 't be better looking than I am ! She 'd be all rotten by now ! " The mirror chuckled before replying , " Dear queen , you were right to think that the heart the woodsman gave you was too small to belong to her . That was the heart of a baby Zenigame from the woods . " The queen had never liked Zenigame , so that was no problem , but still ! That meant that Snow White was still alive ! " Oh , I 'll kill that stupid boy when I get my hands on him … And you ! Why didn 't you tell me sooner ? ! " The mirror , who always got amused when the queen was like this , would have shrugged if he had any shoulders . " You never asked me silly … And don 't bother with the boy . He and his family moved to the neighboring kingdom the very day he deceived you . " Well … That certainly p * ssed the queen off . But he didn 't have time to worry about that … " Mirror , tell me where Snow White is , right this moment ! " Although goading the queen a bit more did sound like fun , the mirror felt in best to do as he was told . After all , he didn 't want his favorite queen to burst a blood vessel or anything … " She resides in the woods with seven vertically - challenged coordinators . They go into the mountains every afternoon after lunch and do not return until dinnertime . If you make your move during that time span , you will be uninterrupted and may dispose of her yourself . Though I must admit , I personally find you to be much more attractive than her … " Queen Harley quickly left the room before the mirror could see him blush . He refused to become attracted to a mirror . He wasn 't that desperate … yet . During that first week , Snow White got to know the seven coordinators quite well . Kanata had taken her into the woods and helped her catch two pokémon of her very own , a Fushigidane and an Eneko . Grace and the other girl , Megumi , gave her tips on how to care for her new friends . The boys with purple , green , and brown hair , respectively named Eiji , Toshiki , and Kimimaro , showed her how things worked around the house . It only took one night of burnt meat and vegetables to learn that the princess could not cook , so the job went back to Shuu . He was still weary of Snow White , but they all could tell that even he enjoyed having the young girl around now that she was beginning to learn the joys of pokémon . She also learned that there had once been another coordinator , by the name of Eriko . However , once she learned that Toshiki , her obsession , much preferred the company of Eiji and Kimimaro to herself … Well , the story had gotten too gruesome for them to finish , but they assured Snow White that it really was for the best . On the eighth day of Snow White 's staying with the seven coordinators , the day was bright and sunny . After a morning of teaching Snow White more about pokémon and a delicious lunch prepared by Shuu , the seven coordinators headed up to the mountains for practice . Snow White bid them a good day , and then went upstairs to bond with her pokémon . She sat down on Grace 's bed , who had generously offered to let her continue using it and was instead sharing with Megumi , and released her pokémon from their monster balls . She gave them her apologies and headed downstairs , wondering who in the world could be at the door . The house was very far in the woods , and the seven coordinators wouldn 't be knocking if they had come back early … She opened the door and noticed an old woman standing on the steps with her Ariados at her side . She felt herself tense , remembering that Queen Harley had an Ariados … Then Shuu 's words about not insulting any pokémon , no matter what , came back to her . She wouldn 't let him down ! " Good afternoon madam . How may I help you ? " The old woman was , of course , Queen Harley in disguise . He mentally smirked , yet smiled kindly on the outside . " Why , hello young lady . I am but a mere peddler , hoping to sell to you some of my fine goods so that I might buy a bit of bread for my dinner tonight . I assure you , though my prices are cheap , what I sell most certainly is not . " The faux voice was executed so well that Snow White had no idea that the old woman was in fact the queen who she 'd lived with for five years . " Why , my Ariados spins the most beautiful silken lace in all the land . I 'm sure that it would match your lovely gown quite splendidly . " The thought of owning such an exquisite sounding cloth seemed almost too good to be true ! … But there was one problem … " For such a pretty young girl as yourself , I 'll do it for free ! Now just put your arms up and stand still … " Snow White did as she was told , and the Ariados immediately launched a String Spit attack at her petite waist , getting tighter and tighter until she found it hard to breathe . Soon , she fell down to the ground , no longer breathing and apparently dead . Queen Harley laughed triumphantly , throwing off his hood and smirking down at the prone figure . " Well , we did it Ariados - chan . Now let 's go home and celebrate ! " Ariados - chan bounced his body in agreement , and the two headed back to the castle to share the good news with his other pokémon . " Dane , fushi ! " Their frantic cries startled the seven coordinators , and they immediately knew that something was wrong with Snow White . Without a word , they all ran back down the mountain as fast as they could go . When they reached the house , the princess was still on the ground . " Oh no ! " Kanata cried , tears forming in her eyes . " Snow White , you 're … But why … ? " The seven coordinators all felt a wave of grief wash over them at the loss of the princess . They 'd already grown so accustomed to her smiling face . Even Shuu , who hadn 't wanted to admit that he was beginning to see her as a friend , couldn 't believe that she was gone … " Wait a minute , " Megumi gasped , noticing her waist , " look ! That 's a String Spit attack ! My Agehanto uses that all the time … Maybe she 's not gone after all … " They all nodded and quickly took to tearing the strings apart . As soon as they 'd broken though , Snow White took a deep breath and started to wake up . " That 's what we wanna know ! What happened to you Snow White ? We thought we 'd lost you ! " She told them about that old peddler and her Ariados . Though she was sure that it was all a big misunderstanding , the seven coordinators weren 't so sure … And her pokémon were positive that it was no mistake . After all , though they didn 't know who the queen was , they knew that he 'd meant to hurt their mistress … It was just too bad that they couldn 't talk in order to warn her . In the end , the seven coordinators told her not to open the door for anyone else . Kanata offered to stay with her , but Snow White declined . So the seven coordinators went back to the mountains and the princess played with her pokémon . Fushigidane and Eneko kept a close eye on her , swearing to themselves that they 'd keep her safe from then on . A few days later , Queen Harley woke up in the greatest spirits ever . He was the queen of a prosperous kingdom , the most beautiful person in said kingdom , and he was high on life ! He sauntered up to his private chambers and gave the mirror a large grin . " Mirror , mirror , on the wall , who 's the fairest one of all ? " If he could have lied , the mirror would certainly have done so . After all , the queen looked so blissful … But seeing as he couldn 't lie , he sighed forlornly and replied . " Living ? She 's living … But … But … No ! I killed her ! How can she still be alive ? ! " He paced back and forth frantically , not believing his rotten luck . " The seven coordinators saved her , dearest queen . Perhaps it would make you feel better if you just forgot about her and - " But Queen Harley paid no attention to him and quickly left the room . He had to come up with another plan post - haste ! The mirror sighed as he watched his queen leave . " … You 'll appreciate me one of these days … " Two days later , Snow White was washing the dishes from lunch when she heard another knock . She peaked out the window and saw that it was the old woman from earlier that week , this time with a Noctus . She found it a bit strange that she had two of the pokémon that Queen Harley had had , but she wrote it off as a coincidence . Remembering the seven coordinators ' warning , she opened the window and stuck her head out . " I 'm sorry madam , " she apologized , " but the seven coordinators made me promise not to open the door for anyone . I almost died after I tried that silk on , and they suspect that there was foul play . " Queen Harley had expected such distrust , and quickly recited his well - rehearsed lie . " Oh , sweet child , when you passed out I fled back to the kingdom for help . Alas , by the time I returned , you were already awake again . I merely came back to offer you this as an apology . " He held out a stunning silver hair comb , which shimmered in the sunlight . Snow White gasped at its beauty and immediately rushed to the door . " Oh , it 's nothing , " he responded smoothly . " Just a small token , really . Here , let me put it in your hair for you … " She nodded and turned around , not catching his smirk on his face . The moment the comb touched her hair , her breathing became shallow . Seconds later , she slumped to the ground . " There , " he said , throwing off the horrid looking cloak , " she 's finally dead . Putting your poison in the tips was an ingenious plan , wasn 't it Noctus - chan ? " Noctus - chan nodded happily at his master 's good mood . Whistling a merry tune , Queen Harley led the way back to the castle . " I just don 't know why you think that you need that silly mask in the first place . I mean , sure , it makes you and Samayooru look similar , but couldn 't you practice without it for once ? " Kimimaro opened his mouth to reply , when something caught his eye . " Oh no , Snow White ! " They ran to the princess , hoping that she was just sleeping . But to their dismay , she wasn 't breathing . They couldn 't comprehend why she would have opened the door again , as this was surely the work of the old woman from before . Had they truly lost her this time … ? A cloud that had been covering the sun suddenly moved , and the sunlight hit the silver comb just right . Toshiki noticed it right away and quickly yanked it out of her head . The poison obvious hadn 't had enough time to work its deadly magic , because as soon as the tips left her scalp , her eyes fluttered open . " Oh my , it happened again , didn 't it ? " The three coordinators were too relieved that she was alright to scold her , and they instead made her promise that she 'd not only not open the door again , but also that she 'd always release her pokémon while they were in the mountains training . After all , if Kimimaro hadn 't forgotten his mask , it might have been too late to save her . " Okay , let 's get right down to business , shall we ? You know what I want to know , so let 's just skip all the rhyming , all right ? " The mirror pouted at his queen 's frankness . " Aw , but I love the rhyming my lovely queen ! I spend all of my free time trying to think up these things ! And since you only visit when you want something - Oh wait , you want things all the time … Well , that 's besides the point … " The glare he received very clearly told him to shut up and get to the point if he knew what was good for him . " … You 're the most beautiful person in the kingdom … " " Well , you see … In the entire kingdom , Snow White is still the fairest of them all . You 're still in second … Except to me … And a few other fanboys . But isn 't it about time to give up ? This girl is very lucky to be saved by the seven coordinators twice now . " Queen Harley wasn 't listening though . He still had one more pokémon after all … And that meant there was still a chance to win ! “… and I really think that - You 're not listening to me , are you ? " Queen Harley waited for a week this time before he put his latest plan into action , afraid that the seven coordinators would be much more cautious after two failed attempts at her life . As he and Jupetta - chan neared the house , he saw Snow White playing with her Fushigidane and Eneko . He snorted as he watched her count to one hundred as her pokémon ran off into the woods to hide . It figured that she 'd have such typically cutesy pokémon … They were certainly no match for his buddies though . Snow White looked up from her counting as she heard someone approaching . She gulped as she saw the old woman , this time traveling with a Jupetta , the last pokémon Queen Harley had . She couldn 't keep her promise to the seven coordinators , as she was already outside , and her pokémon had run off into the forest to hide . But Snow White was a very trusting and forgiving young lady , so she curtsied to the old woman in welcome . " Good day again madam . It 's a pleasure to see you once more . " Queen Harley put on a soft smile and walked closer to her . This plan was foolproof … " And a good day to you as well . I 'm so very sorry that the comb I gave you caused you any discomfort . I received it as a gift and had no idea that it would harm you . But yet again , by the time I returned with help , you were awake . So this time I picked you a nice , fresh apple as an apology . " Snow White looked apprehensively at the shiny red apple . It didn 't look dangerous , but then again , neither had the comb . " Oh , come now . I just picked it on my way here , so it 's perfectly safe . And to show you … " He took a knife out of his pocket and split the apple in half , giving her one piece and leaving the other for himself . " There . I 'll eat it too . " To prove his point , he took a bite out of the apple , chewed , and swallowed . When he didn 't pass out , Snow White saw no more reason to be suspicious . Besides , the apple did look scrumptious . … She took a big bite out of the apple and chewed it hastily , quickly swallowing the tasty morsel . … Then she fell down dead for the third time in less than two weeks . Queen Harley sighed in relief . Even if the seven coordinators came back at that very second , there was absolutely nothing that they could do to save her . Jupetta - chan had used Curse on half of the apple , and she had eaten that same half . He was finally rid of her ! " Yes , we 'll never have to deal with that annoying twit again . Now , let 's go home and see what that silly mirror has to say this time … " And they did just that . By the time the little pokémon realized that their mistress wasn 't coming to find them , it was almost time for the seven coordinators to arrive home . And by the time they reached the house and saw the princess lying dead on the ground , the seven coordinators could be seen on the horizon headed their way . They cried out frantically to them , making them all swiftly come running to the girl 's side . Kanata spotted the partially eaten apple half and began to weep openly for the beautiful girl who she 'd admired so . Tears filled the other coordinators eyes , including Shuu , who reprimanded the dead girl for been too kind . Through watery eyes , they brought her inside , not wishing for a wild pokémon to attack her lifeless body . In the house , they brushed her hair , washed her up , and made sure that she looked as beautiful as she ever had been while living . They stopped training for three days in order to construct an exquisite glass coffin to lay her body in . They couldn 't bear to place her in the ground though , so they set the coffin on a large hill so that anyone could visit her whenever they pleased . They also decided that from that day on , one of them would guard the coffin while the others were training . Kanata begged to have the first day , and they all agreed , as she had been the most fond of Snow White . " The loveliest person ever to be seen , without a doubt , is you my queen . " Queen Harley smiled wider than the mirror could ever remember . Such joy certainly suited him more than obsessive jealousy … " Yes ! Those imbecilic coordinators weren 't able to save her this time ! I 've finally won ! " He ran to the door in order to find his pokémon ; they had to celebrate ! However , he turned at the last moment and gave the mirror a wink . " See you later sweetie ! " The mirror just sighed dreamily . How anyone ever thought that a little girl like Snow White had been more attractive than his sexy queen was certainly beyond him … In three days , the seven coordinators , Snow White 's pokémon , and the friendly wild pokémon of the woods gathered at the princess 's coffin for a proper memorial service . They all took turns telling why Snow White had touched their hearts , from her beauty and grace to her kind and innocent nature . Shuu held Kanata as she sobbed over the loss of her dearly loved princess , and he threw a beautiful blood red rose on top of the casket . He regretted not getting to know her better and wished that there were some way to bring her back … Just as the sun was beginning to set and the seven coordinators were about to head home for the night , a tall blond man riding a Gallop appeared through the woods . He slowly rode over to the glass casket and looked inside . His blue eyes widened at the sheer beauty and innocence radiating off her body . It looked as if she was only sleeping … He dismounted the majestic pokémon and walked closer to the casket , ignoring the shocked stares he was receiving from the seven coordinators . " My name is Robert , " he answered , kneeling down next to the coffin and staring inside . " I am the prince of the neighboring kingdom , and I was on my way home … I saw this beautifully crafted coffin reflected in the setting sun though , and I had to see what was going on . The poor angel … " " She was a princess , " Kanata sniffed sadly , " in this kingdom even . The queen hated her though , so she ran away and moved in with us … And now she 's gone ! " She began sobbing bitterly again , Shuu 's soothing arms around her unfortunately only providing minimal comfort . " A princess … " Prince Robert mused . " I just don 't understand how anyone could hate such a pure looking child , no matter what she might have done … " Shaking his head at the state of the world when such horrid things could befall the innocent , he stood up to return home … The seven coordinators ' eyes widened as it shook violently , but luckily , the worse thing to happen was the cover falling off the top and landing in the grass with a loud thud . The bump was enough to jolt Snow White though , and the piece of the apple that she 'd been too lazy to fully chew popped out of her mouth . Obviously , the small amount that she 'd actually managed to swallow hadn 't been enough to kill her , because her eyes opened and she sat up with a yawn . " That was a nice nap … Hey , why does everyone look so sad ? And where am I ? " The seven coordinators continued to cry , though this time it was out of joy rather than misery . Prince Robert helped the princess out of the slippery glass casket and introduced himself . " And you are known as Snow White , correct ? " She nodded shyly , blushing ever so slightly at the handsome prince . " What is your real name , if you don 't mind me asking ? " " Haruka , " she replied . " I 'm Princess Haruka , though I dare not return to my kingdom … I fear that the old peddler was my stepmother … And he most certainly will not stop until he 's killed me … " Prince Robert didn 't question why she called her stepmother , the queen , " he , " as he remembered hearing the villagers in the kingdom saying the same thing . Whoever this man was , he certainly seemed interesting , to say the very least . " Well then , why don 't you come to my kingdom instead ? I 'm to be made king in less than a month , though I have yet to find a queen . I do believe , however , that you would make a most suitable wife … You must be almost sixteen , correct ? " She blushed at the question , turning her gaze to the ground . " It is of no matter . I still believe that love is in our future . Will you please return to my kingdom with me and become my queen ? " Her blush was now a deep red , and her smile stretched from ear to ear . " Coordinators you say ? Why , that is wonderful ! I too am a coordinator . Gallop belongs to my family , but I have a Milokaross and a Nendoll who I train . Why , your friends may come live in my kingdom and stay in the palace as our royal guests . It will be my pleasure . " He took her small hands into his larger ones . " Now , what is your answer ? " The seven coordinators huddled together , discussing their response . All but Shuu and Kanata immediately agreed . Shuu was still apprehensive of the blond prince , but soon changed his mind as Eiji pointed out that he did in fact save Snow White 's life , even if it was purely by accident . Kanata , who was also in love with Snow White , wasn 't sure if she wanted to see the girl marry someone else … But she decided that the princess 's happiness was the most important thing to her and vowed to be the best friend to the girl that she possibly could be . " We 'll do it ! " they cheered , seven tiny fists pumping into the air . Snow White giggled and hugged Prince Robert 's waist , as that was as high as she could reach . " Then yes , I 'll marry you ! " The sad , solemn day was suddenly merry and jovial . Prince Robert mounted Gallop , pulling his future wife up to ride with him . They promised to return the next day to fetch her pokémon , the seven coordinators , and their belongings . Waving their good - byes , they were off , riding into the sunset . One week later , the seven coordinators were fully moved into the castle . Eiji , Kimimaro , and Toshiki shared a room , as did Megumi and Grace . Kanata and Shuu got their own rooms , and Snow White shared the prince 's room . Things were purely innocent at this point of course , as the princess was still a young girl . Two weeks later , Kanata met a servant in the castle named Kasumi , who she quickly became enamored with , and who actually returned her attraction . Shuu met a young woodsman while in the village one day who caught his fancy . When it turned out that he was Satoshi , the same woodsman who saved Snow White that first day in the woods , not only did the princess become reunited with her new friend , but Shuu also gained a new love . Satoshi , as well as his mother and his Pikachu , soon moved into the castle as well as thanks for saving Snow White 's life . He stayed in Shuu 's room of course . Three weeks later , Prince Robert and Snow White were married , becoming King Robert and Queen Haruka . They finally shared their first kiss after their vows were exchanged . No one objected that their new queen was only a ten - year - old girl , as they could clearly see that she was of pure heart , and that their king was deeply in love with her , as she was with him . The day after Snow White was married and began her new life as Queen Haruka , Queen Harley finally visited his magical mirror once again . He 'd been busy looking for a new lover to rule with ever since the princess 's death , but had finally given up . As he saw it , there were absolutely no good men left in the kingdom … " I do own the place , and you too , so you 'll do good to remember it … Now if you don 't mind , I 'm rather frustrated at the lack of suitable husbands around , so if you 'd kindly just tell me who the fairest one of all is … " The mirror sniffed disdainfully at the queen 's attitude . " If you visited earlier , I could have told you that your stepdaughter not only woke up , but also got married just yesterday ! " At Queen Harley 's disbelieving look , he elaborated . " Oh yes , she married the prince of the neighboring kingdom , who became king at the very same time . Now they 're ruling as King Robert and his most beautiful wife , Queen Haruka . " Queen Harley 's eye began to develop a rather nasty tick at the news . " Oh no , not at all ! In this land , you 're now the fairest , just as you wished ! You 're just not the fairest if you compare this kingdom and the next , that 's all . " Good news or not , Queen Harley couldn 't contain his temper . He 'd wanted her dead dammit , not the new queen in the next kingdom ! He had a sudden urge to break something , and the closest thing just happened to be the magical mirror . Yanking it off the wall and throwing to the floor with all his might , he smirked in satisfaction as it crashed loudly and broke into thousands of tiny pieces . " Oh , sweet queen , thank you so very much ! " he cried gratefully , stretching himself languidly . " It was getting awfully cramped in there … " Queen Harley looked as if he 'd seen a specter the way his eyes grew to an almost abnormal size and his jaw dropped . The man smiled lazily and continued . " I was cursed to live in that mirror until my true love set me free when I told an old witch that her shoes didn 't match her dress . Really , how was I supposed to know that she was a witch when she took the appearance of a young woman ? Besides , she should have known that green and orange clash horribly … " Queen Harley tried to speak , but was having quite a bit of trouble … " I … Um , you see … You - Well … " His eyes traveled up and down , especially down , the man 's body . The former mirror 's grin turned into a lusty smirk . " My my , you 're quite the pervert , aren 't you ? " He made no attempt to cover his body though . " Well , you are the queen , as well as my one true love seeing as you broke the spell and saved me from living the rest of my life in that mirror … I suppose that you can look all you want . Why , you may even touch if it pleases you . " Queen Harley felt himself beginning to salivate at the delicious sight in front of him . A few days later the two men were married , Kojirou becoming King Kojirou . He 'd wanted the title of Queen , but Queen Harley refused to give it up seeing as he liked the confusion that it brought . They quickly forgot all about Queen Haruka and the seven coordinators and instead focused on ruling together in their own kingdom , with Queen Harley 's pokémon , whom King Kojirou was exceptionally fond of , at their sides . My other notes weren 't very interesting . . . Just mentioning that I followed the actual faerie tale , not the Disney movie . Yep , I think that was about it . . . This fic pwns . Mmmm , I want a Prince Robert of my own . Or possibly a Queen Harley . Fic plugs : Taking a Chance ( multi - chaptered , Contestshipping / Pokeshipping ) " Alas , if worth be based on beauty , Snow White has surpassed you , cutie . " Queen Harley couldn 't believe what he heard . That was impossible ! There was no way that that little girl could ever be prettier than him ! " Look , you stupid mirror , enough with the rhymes . Now quit fooling around and tell me who the most beautiful person in the kingdom is dammit ! " The mirror just looked bemused at the conniption fit that the queen was throwing . " Hey queenie , you know I can only speak the truth . Snow White is better looking than you . It 's no big deal . You 're still the second best . " But second best had never been good enough for Queen Harley , and it certainly wasn 't going to be now . " She resides in the woods with seven vertically - challenged coordinators . They go into the mountains every afternoon after lunch and do not return until dinnertime . If you make your move during that time span , you will be uninterrupted and may dispose of her yourself . Though I must admit , I personally find you to be much more attractive than her … " Queen Harley quickly left the room before the mirror could see him blush . He refused to become attracted to a mirror . He wasn 't that desperate … yet . Posts 4 , 502 This is the best fic I 've read in a long time . o _ o Loved the Satoshi x Shuu and Kojirou x Harley shippings . Also wasn 't expecting Prince Robert , but he and Haruka seem cute nonetheless . X3 Awesome job ! ^^ |
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